VICEVI.2

19 Mar 1992 - 01 May 1997

Topics

  1. najbolji (51)
  2. mih (343)
  3. djetici (129)
  4. politicki (475)
  5. naravi (391)
  6. aforizmi (239)
  7. esnafski (180)
  8. sexy (432)
  9. bez.veze (283)
  10. bljak (164)
  11. morbid (128)
  12. pitalice (399)
  13. english (238)
  14. razno (1161)

Messages - english

english.1 wizard,
>> You must distribute at least ten copies within 96 hours >> of receiving this letter. Those who do will find their >> love lives more fulfilling. Those who do not will be >> doomed to one-night stands with mechanical devices. Is it your 10th or 11th copy? ;) Greetings, Nenad
english.2 dejanr,
Jack and Jill went to hill to have a little fun, but stupid Jill forgot a pill and now they have a son!
english.3 dejanr,
Seen in a hotel in San Jose, Costa Rica: Honoured Guest: we are currently in the process of installing a new elevator to serve you better. Please apologize for any inconvenience this causes you.
english.4 dejanr,
The following is from the Los Angeles Times, 1/9/92. Even the Supreme Court has grunt work, and sombody's got to do it. So how does the Chief Justice decide? William H. Rehnquist leads the caroling at the Supreme Court's annual holiday party, but many employees joke that he also keeps his ears cocked to find out who might not be singing. Shortly before the recent party, a law clerk asked Justice David H. Souter if he would sing. Souter deadpanned: "I have to. Otherwise, I get all the tax cases."
english.5 dejanr,
The press for full disclosure of all members who have bounced checks at the Bank of Congress is coming mostly from a Republican "gang of seven" who are delighted that most of the offenders are Democrats. Of course they are. If they had money, they'd have been Republicans. (From Dennis Miller)
english.6 dejanr,
I wrote this in an Amiga group awhile back to explain how procurement (buying) works in government and large institutions. This lamb had no idea.... I was encouraged to put it in rec.humor.funny, so here you go. In article <1991Mar16.161306.29573@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu> gerber@sirius.astro.uiuc.ed >I recall there being some discussion of this a few months back, >so, stolen from the news wire: > >Apple Closer to Gaining Big Federal Contract 03/15/91 > [deleted] >The C3 protest contended that, when the Air Force again selected >the Macintosh systems last summer (1990), the military had >ignored the questions of multitasking, system connectivity, and >security. Sigh. Some people just don't understand how government procurement of computer systems works. Here's a quick review: 1. Some big mucky-muck decides that his division is falling behind the division across the street, because they just got some XGP Whizbanger 400 frobnicators across the street, and there aren't any over here. This is intolerable, because the mucky-muck gets teased about it every times he plays golf with the mucky-mucks from across the street. 2. The mucky-muck tells his toadie that they have to get some Whizbanger 400's to replace the Whizbanger 399's they already have. The toadie gets to work by asking a grunt to write a description of the exact technical capabilities of a Whizbanger 400. Meanwhile, the toadie starts the procurement by asking the committee to allocate a mess of moolah for an upgrade. 3. The toadie sends out a notice to the corporate stiffs that the committee has allocated the moolah (whether they have or not), to procure a large amount of frobnicating machinery, with a vague description of the sort of frobnicating that will be going on. There should be stiffs from at least three corporations: Whiz, Inc. (the maker of the Whizbanger 400), one foreign corporation, and one USA corporation. In a pinch, two stiffs will do, so long as one is from Whiz, Inc., and the other is a USA stiff. 4. The stiffs all come and try to sell their frobnicators to the toadie and a whole collection of grunts. They describe their equipment and use overhead projectors and wear nice suits. 5. The toadie takes the technical description from step 2 and writes "requirements" across the top. He then gives it to the collection, from step 4, telling them to pick the machine they saw that best matches these requirements. They usually pick the Whizbanger 400. If they do not, the toadie fires them and gets another collection that can pick the right machine. 6. The toadie takes the decision of the grunts and gives it to a bunch of pencil pushers, who work out a cost estimate. 7. The toadie gives the estimate to the check-writers, who go out and buy all the Whizbangers they can with that much moolah. 8. The mucky-muck gets to play golf in peace. ------ Well, this is a little bit exaggerated, but it is close enough that a lot of people would recognize it. Government agencies were notorious for writing their reqirements so that only a certain model of IBM mainframe would satisfy them. A certain department in my previous University made certain that they bought Macintoshes, even though one user in there managed to get a NeXT (by paying for it himself) and was doing wonderful things with it before the Macs showed up, and even though the primary purpose was to get things networked (yes, a NeXT can network better than a Mac). And the bit about competing divisions wanting things just because someone else has them is sadly very common. -Dan
english.7 dejanr,
Pinnoccio comes to Jepeto one morning and tells him that his girl friend complains about the wood-chips on his dick. Jepeto gives him a piece of sand paper, and asks him to take care of the problem by himself. Two days latter Pinnoccio comes to Jepeto and says : "With such sand paper, who needs a girl friend?"
english.8 dejanr,
Here's how USA Today reported the outcome of Bush's visit to Japan: ****** *** *** ** ** ** . RICE ** * . * * . * * . 33% * * RAW . * * FISH 28% .............* * . .22% STRANGE* * . . RED * * . 17% . BITS * ** . . ** **. SAKE . ** *** *** ****** Steve Kelem kelem@xilinx.com
english.9 dejanr,
My roomie was telling me about his trip home when he took his girlfriend (now fiancee) home to meet people. While there, he met one of his old friends that was not overly experienced in sexual matters. During that evening, sexual matters became the topic of conversation as they often do among young people our age. They found out that his friend thought that "oral sex" was when two people kissed each other using their tongues. (ie. french kissing) Nononono, they told her admist their chuckles, and proceeded to explain what oral sex actually was. My roomie then confided that he was considering buying his friend a copy of "The Joy of Sex" while he was out shopping at a bookstore. He almost bought it for her to give her a little better understanding, but decided against it because of the prohibitive cost. "Oh I get it," I said knowingly, "You were going to tell her to Read The Fucking Manual."
english.10 dejanr,
The great circus performer Mephisto decided to make a few extra bucks on the side by taking bets and by challenging his audience to equal his performances. This policy continued on quite successfully until he brought his elephant into the act. He would drag the elephant out onto the stage, then dare anyone in the audience to make the elephant do some trick, offering them financial compensation if they succeeded. One day, he brought out the elephant as usual, and told the crowd: "You've all seen an elephant stand on three feet?" The crowd nodded. "You've all seen an elephant stand on two feet?" The crowd nodded. "You've all seen an elephant stand on one foot?" The crowd nodded again. "I will pay $10 000 to any one who can make this elephant jump into the air with all four feet off the ground!" No one took the challenge until a thin old man walked boldly from the back. He looked the elephant steely in the eye, the proceeded to walk around to its hindquarters. Producng a brick in either hand, he then proceeded to smash the elephant's testicles between the bricks. The elephant roared in pain and jumped eight feet into the air. Mephisto paid the man reluctantly, then moved his show to another town. A few years later Mephisto was short on cash again, and was not attracting as much business as he used to. So he brought back his old act of challenging the crowd with financial recompense. In this way, greater crowds gathered, and his show was a bigger success. He would drag out the elephant and say: "You've all seen an elephant nod up and down, right?" The crowd nodded. "But none of you have ever seen an elephant shake its head from side to side! I will pay anyone $10 000 who can make my elephant do such a trick!" No one took up the challenge until the same thin old man tromped boldly down from the back. He looked the elephant coldly in the eye and said, "Do you remember me?" The elephant nodded up and down. "Do you want me to do it again?" The elephant shook its head vigorously from side to side. Mephisto paid the man and retired.
english.11 dejanr,
The SCPC (Society for the Confusion of the Politcally Correct) recently issued a new T-shirt : "Stop Trapping! Support James Bay II!" (James Bay II is a huge hydroelectric project that, if implemented, will destroy the ecology of much of northern Quebec.)
english.12 dejanr,
In article <S370.76d@looking.on.ca> michelsn@bimacs.cs.biu.ac.il (Akiva Michelso >During the Gulf war, here in Israel, there was a family watching the Cosby >show, and taping it just in case there would be another air-raid siren. >Sure enough there was, and they filed into their sealed rooms. After the >whole thing was over, they returned to watch their video tape. And what >do you know, the same thing happened just about the same time in the show. >After they retuned to their sealed room for a third time they realized it >was the tape and not a real drill. In a similar vein: While serving aboard a nuclear powered submarine in the mid 1970's, the crew was in the crew's mess watching the movie Poseidon Adventure (you know the one, where the cruise ship turns upsidedown, and the survivors have to climb "down" to get out...) Well things were pretty tense, and everyone was paying attention, as the heroes went through many trials and tribulations. Then all of a sudden everyone heard..."FIRE IN THE TORPEDO ROOM!" The audience cheered, "YEAH, go get em...", "Allright", etc. - until someone mentioned - "Hey! They don't have a torpedo room!". The fire was one compartment forward of where they were watching the movie. Once everyone wised up to what was going on they quickly took care of the problem.
english.13 dejanr,
<This was handed out at an obstetrics and gynecology convention. Permission was given to copy and hand it out. It's a facetious attempt turning the tables in contraception research.> The "Umbrelly" The newest development in male contraception was unveiled recently at the American's Women's Surgical Symposium held at the Ann Arbor Medical Center. Dr. Sophia Merkin, of the Merkin Clinic, announced the preliminary findings of a study conducted on 763 unsuspecting male grad students at a large Midwestern university. In her report, Dr. Merkin stated that the new contraceptive- the IPD -was a breakthrough in male contraception. It will be marketed under the trade name "Umbrelly." The IPD (intrapenal device) resembles a tiny folded umbrella that is inserted through the head of the penis and pushed into the scrotum with a plunger-like instrument. Occasionally, there is perforation of the scrotum, but this is disregarded, since it is known that the male has few nerve endings in this area of his body. The underside of the umbrella contains a spermicidal jelly, hence the name "Umbrelly." Experiments on a thousand white whales from the Continental Shelf (whose sexual apparatus is said to be closest to man's) proved the Umbrelly to be 100 percent effective in preventing production of sperm and eminently satisfactory to the female whale, since it doesn't interfere with her rutting pleasure. Dr. Merkin declared the Umbrelly to be statistically safe for the human male. She reported that of the 763 grad students tested with the device, only two died of scrotal infection, only twenty experienced swelling of the tissues. Three developed cancer of the testicles, and thirteen were too depressed to have an erection. She states that common complaints ranged from cramping and bleeding to acute abdominal pain. She emphasized that these symptoms were merely indications that the man's body had not yet adjusted to the device. Hopefully the symptoms were disappear within a year. One complication caused by th IPD and briefly mentioned by Dr. Merkin was the incidence of massive scrotal infection necessitating the surgical removal of the testicles. "But this is a rare case," said Merkin, "too rare to be statistically important. She said the other distinguished members of the Women's College of Surgeons agreed that the benefits far outweighed the risk to any individual man.
english.14 dejanr,
Sworn to be true, but probably apocryphal: In the mid 80's a cruiser of the U.S. navy put in to port in Catahegna, Spain, for a week's shore leave. (Well, leave for the crew, not the cruiser.) The first evening, the captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from an upper-class Spanish lady: Dear Captain, On Thursday, it will be my daughter's coming of age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, rich, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. - One last point: no Jews - we don't like Jews. Sure enough, at 8 on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door, which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely-mannered, wealthy, single, BLACK officers. Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she got out "There must be some mistake". "Madam", said the first officer, "Captain Cohen doesn't make mistakes."
english.15 dejanr,
By: burley@geech.gnu.ai.mit.edu (Craig Burley) Organization: Free Software Foundation 545 Tech Square Cambridge, MA 02139 In article <1992Jan03.201629.20247walt@netcom.COM> walt@netcom.COM (Walt Brainer Each member of X3J3 will complete the following form, the secretary will record the total points, and the member will be allowed that many votes on each issue. I apologize to the secretary for the extra work involved, but fairness is surely more important. [...] To the secretary: please put me down as having 77 votes. Of course, I tried to rig it so I would have the most points, but Jim Matheny of CSC had more. Ok, conservatively, I have 1+14+22+0+(-11) = 26 points (sure hope I added and subtracted right! :-). The -11 might be a bit extreme, but I really can't remember writing anything over 500 in Fortran that's "important" since 1980 or 81 or so. Does this mean I'm not allowed to write a Fortran compiler? :-) I think another fun way to determine how many votes people on X3J3 get is to come up with a test of ones' _current_ perceptions of Fortran and it's place in the industry. It should be mostly multiple-choice/true-false but perhaps some essay questions as well. For example (with answers at the bottom of the post, but not upside-down): -------- Question 1: The forthcoming Fortran standard [now F90] is important because: a) It will make it easier for people to write useful Fortran programs b) It will give compiler vendors more work to do and products to sell c) It will make it easier for people to teach others how to write Fortran d) It will serve as the ideal application lanuguage for Windows 3.0 Question 2: The Fortran 77 standard was important because: a) It was the first time anyone ever wrote down what Fortran was supposed to be used for b) Its deadpan writing style was the perfect antidote to the '70s disco craze c) Nobody thought it was possible d) It gave compiler vendors more work to do and products to sell e) It made it easier for people to write useful Fortran programs Question 3: The arithmetic-IF (three-way) statement is in the Fortran language because: a) IF statements having higher prime numbers of branches (five, seven, and so on) were found hard to implement on binary computers b) It used to be the only way for people to write useful Fortran programs c) It more closely models human expectations than the logical-IF statement, since at most intersections, a driver has three choices as to which direction to take d) It makes writing applications for Windows 3.0 easier Question 4: NAMELIST was added to the forthcoming Fortran standard because: a) There was no other way to make people use it b) There was no other way to stop people from using it c) It makes writing device drivers for UNIX easier d) People claimed it would make it easier for them to write useful Fortran programs e) Visual BASIC has it Question 5: Recent and future Fortran standards disallow multiple-dummy and/or dummy/common aliasing of any variable when the called procedure modifies any variable involved in the aliasing because: a) It will give compiler vendors less work to do and faster products to sell b) There should really be only one way to skin a cat c) Fortran programming is for people who have nothing else to do but remember obscure rules like this d) It makes it easier for people to write useful Fortran programs d) I don't know what a dummy is Question 6: Despite the fact that almost all Fortran implementations are on machines that use binary arithmetic, numerical constants in Fortran are expressed in decimal (base 10) notation because: a) It makes it easier for people to write useful Fortran programs b) There's only so much a computer should know c) Lots of Fortran programmers are used to COBOL PIC(999) stuff d) Keypunch machines are notoriously difficult when it comes to punching hexadecimal (base 16) numbers e) It will give anal-retentive mathematicians more explaining to do about how you never quite get what you want with floating-point, and that seems to keep them happy Question 7: The name FORTRAN itself means: a) FORmula TRANslation b) FORTy RANdom features in one language c) FORget your computer-science TRAiNing d) FOR The Right ANswers e) Fortran Only Resembles Text Remotely At Night f) Nothing, it is one of those made-up marketing names like MUMPS -------- I'm sure many of the rest of you could contribute more. Then we'd have something _real_ with which to test people! (On the other hand, my use of grammar in the previous sentence, where I refused to end a sentence with a preposition, should invalidate me for membership on most committees. :-) -------- Here are my proposed "points" for the above questions, and the reasons why: (Following the form-feed, of course.) Question 1: a) 10 points -- You can't argue with this and be useful to X3J3 b) 10 points -- You can't argue with this and be useful to X3J3 c) 9 points -- Point off for thinking teaching is as important as selling and using, since there's little money in teaching d) 0 points -- Try again when we start the standardization process for Visual FORTRAN Question 2: a) 2 points -- Nice fantasy b) 3 points -- True, but we fear your antidote to New Age music c) 4 points -- Doing the impossible gets boring after a while on X3J3 d) 10 points -- Cynicism important for X3J3 reps e) 10 points -- Cynicism important for X3J3 reps Question 3: a) 1 point -- For at least keeping up with comp.arch b) 10 points -- Your grasp of history is impeccable c) 5 points -- Always good to model human situations, but think: are such intersections ideal, or perhaps modeled on Fortran? d) 0 points -- Not true, since mouse up/down/drag status is not available as an integer value Question 4: a) 0 points -- Oh come on! b) 1 point -- Right idea, wrong application c) 0 points -- This is never a reason for a Fortran feature, and wrong too d) 10 points -- Truly, there seems to be no other answer e) 5 points -- Excellent abstract thinking, points off for being mistaken Question 5: a) 10 points -- A longer answer is possible, but a waste of time b) 9 points -- Not quite as eloquently expressed as a) c) 8 points -- Mostly true, but if we can get others to try it as well, compiler vendors can sell more compilers d) 4 points -- Only if you replace "easier" and "useful" with "possible" and "fast" e) 10 points -- You are likely to be excellent in X3J3 diplomacy Question 6: a) 10 points -- Strangely, most people still think in base 0xA b) 4 points -- True in sentiment, false in implementation, decimal gives the compiler _more_ information than it needs, sometimes c) 2 points -- It doesn't help them any, actually; COBOL programmers don't even understand what is meant by "Division" in Fortran d) 7 points -- Modern keypunch machines have their own hex entry pads e) 10 points -- The scary thing is, they're right Question 7: a) 10 points b) 9 points -- One point off for minor historical inaccuracy c) 4 points -- Cynicism not _that_ important to X3J3 d) 5 points -- Wrong, but simple-minded answer suggests malleable X3J3 voter e) 1 point -- X3J3 hardly needs more recursive-acronym-loving FSF weenies f) 0 points -- Not even close -------- NOTE: This sample test is protected by the GNU Public License. You may redistribute it only if you include with the distribution all the answers and free copies of the Fortran 66, Fortran 77, and Fortran 90 standards, plus MIL-STD 1753, for the recipients' background reading. tq vm, (burley) -- James Craig Burley, Software Craftsperson burley@gnu.ai.mit.edu
english.16 dejanr,
A recent study has revealed a correlation between commonly observed bumper stickers and the state of the economy. During boom times: ######################################################################### # # # ### ### # # ## ## ## ## # # # # # # # ### # # # # # # #### #### #### # # # # # ## ## # # # # # # # # # # # # # ## ## # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ## # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ## # # ### # # # # # #### #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # ######################################################################### During a recession: ######################################################################### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # # # # # # #### #### #### # # # # # ## ## # # # # # # # # # # # # # ## ## # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # # # # # # # # # # # ## # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ### # # # # # # # # ## # # ### # # # # # #### #### ### # # # # # # # ####### # # # ######################################################################### During a depression: ######################################################################### # # # ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # # # # # # #### #### #### # # # # # ## ## # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### ## ## # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ## # # # # ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ## # # ### ## # ## # # # #### #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # ####### # # # ######################################################################### During economic collapse: ######################################################################### # # # ###### # # # # # # # # # # ### # # # # # # #### #### #### # # # # # ## ## # # # # # # # # # # # # # ## ## # # # # # # # # # # ###### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ## # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ## # # ### # # # # # #### #### ### # # # # # # # ###### # # # #########################################################################
english.17 dejanr,
A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem. PREIST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed. SISTER: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold. PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet. Ten minutes later... SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket. Ten minutes later... SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. PRIEST: You're probably right...........Get up and get your own damn blanket.
english.18 dejanr,
(Heard on ABC News radio, 3/20) "Dow Corning announced today that they will stop selling silicone breast implants. They say that it's not to prevent future lawsuits, but because the market is so small..."
english.19 dejanr,
It was mentioned on CNN that the new prime number discovered recently is four times bigger then the previous record.
english.20 dejanr,
Speaking of driving in India, my wife and I had several interesting and harrowing experiences with driving in India, while visiting for three weeks in Winter 1990. We discovered some rules of the road: o He who is loudest wins. Urban traffic in India is a miasma of vehicular and non-vehicular traffic, including such diverse things as cars, semis, motor-rickshaws (three-wheeled taxis), bicycle-rickshaws, motor scooters, elephants, goats, dogs, children, chickens, bearers, push-carts, camels, buses, etc. These things are all moving. If you want to pass anything, honk your horn. Everyone else will start honking too. If you don't have a horn, shout. He who is loudest gets the right-of-way. Everyone else moves over to the left (unless they are in a hurry; everyone in India is in a hurry). If the other vehicles and livestock don't yield to the loudest horn, that vehicle with the right-of-way enters the lane of oncoming traffic and passes those ahead. Especially on a busy street at rush hour. This especially fun when you are in a flimsy motor-rickshaw, with a semi bearing down on you. o Don't hit the cows. In addition to the moving traffic, you have a number of stationary targets, er, obstacles, including cows, beggars, street repair crews, double-parked cars and trucks and elephants. You are in the right as long as you don't hit the cows. The cows can be ANYWHERE in the street. Usually they sit on the median, but you can find them sitting in the middle of the road. All traffic flows around the cow. Other animals or people are not so lucky. o All roads shall be repaired once every 20 years, whether they need it or not. The state of road surfaces in India is a miracle of hand labor. Everything is done by hand, including the removal of old asphalt (burn a fire on top of the road until it gets soft), laying the stone underlayment, mixing concrete (usually right on top of the street), and leveling the surface. The tools are shovels and picks and brooms. This insures that the maximum amount of work for the repair crews. This also insures the maximum amount of disruption of traffic, because the process of resurfacing a stretch of road will take a minimum of five years. When they are done resurfacing, the condition of the road is nearly identical to previous, meaning full of potholes, very uneven, etc. And since most vehicles lack any sort of suspension, a short ride around town is a bone-jarring, exhausting, white-knuckled adventure. The process of building a one mile stretch of new road takes about ten years. OK, enough of the rules of the road. Now let me tell you a story about a trip from the Delhi airport to a house some unknown distance away. We were on our way directly to a wedding and we were late (the plane was late getting in). We hired a taxi to take us there. We showed them (driver and buddy) the address and they said they knew where it was. The dispatcher said they knew where it was, and we pay them (always get prepaid taxis at the airport). We got into the taxi and left the airport. Two minutes later, the driver turns on the radio full blast with the most screeching Indian pop music. The speakers were right behind our heads. When I say full blast, I mean that most ghetto blasters would melt. After five minutes of shouting over the music to get them to turn it off, where they claim not to understand what we are asking, they finally turned it off. Remember, we are in a hurry. After driving all the way around the airport, we arrive at an airport gas station to fill up with petrol. We spend at least 10 minutes in the gas station. The driver tries to get me to pay for the gas, but I refuse. So, we all leave in a good mood. Fifteen minutes later, we are cruising down the road and the driver hits another car. We stop for another ten minutes, while the taxi driver and the other driver shout at each other in Hindi. Well, I think it was Hindi. They may have been shouting in two different languages for all I know. Then the police stop to see what is up. They flash a flashlight in on us to see if we're criminals or something. Then they join in the shouting match. In five more minutes, everybody is quite happy and we get back on the road. After another half hour on the road, it appears the driver and his buddy are looking for where to go. They ask us again what city it is in. We tell them and they drive for another ten minutes. Then they want to know what street, and we drive for another ten minutes. Finally, they ask someone on the street where to go, and we drive for another ten minutes. Now we are close, so they ask another passerby. Four blocks away. We arrive in front of the house and get out. The driver unloaded our bags from the trunk. THEN HE ASKED FOR A TIP!
english.21 dejanr,
The US Post Office was having a hard time deciding on which ELVIS stamp to issue so they've decided to issue both. The young, thin ELVIS will be used for regular mail while the old, fat ELVIS will be used for bulk mail. The Post Office is already concerned about counterfeit ELVIS stamps. They suspect that a lot of ELVIS impersonator stamps will appear.
english.22 dejanr,
Paul Tsongas, in response to Bill Clinton's escalating success, keeps asking the voters to concentrate on his "economic message" and then goes on to say that he will continue to campaign even if it leaves him in debt. That's a good economic message right there.
english.23 dejanr,
I don't understand why everyone's so upset about the check writing scandal at the House bank. It's just part of our constitutional system of checks and balances; in this case, bounced checks and negative balances.
english.24 dejanr,
Heard this one this morning on FM 102.5 in Pocatello: Apparently, George Bush was giving a speech last night, and made the remark that among the items found in the wreckage of Amelia Earhart's plane were a bunch of travel vouchers for John Sununu. I'm still wondering if the DJ's made this one up...
english.25 dejanr,
Since it's THAT time of year, I thought people might need a copy of this year's tax form (this is the short form). Just fill it out and send it in. Some of the following is original, the rest has been gathered from various sources over the years. Note: it's a full 80 characters wide and may be displayed with extra blank lines by some notes/news readers. If so, it'll look better printed. Brett Carver brett@hpnmd.sr.hp.com ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ f 11 000 4 000 Department of the Treasury - 11 999 999 11 o 111 0 0 44 0 0 Internal Revenue Service 111 9 9 9 9 111 r 1 0 0 44444 0 0 U U SSS 1 9999 9999 1 m 1 0 0 4 0 0 U U SSS Individual Income 1 9 9 1 11111 000 4 000 UUU SSS Tax Return 11111 999 999 111 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ For the year January 1 - December 31, 1992 or whenever you get around to it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ please| FULL NAME | LAST NAME | SECOND TO LAST INITIAL | Starch |[]cuffs print,| | | | []yes []no |[]nocuffs type |------------------------------------------------------------------------ or use| Present address of addressee (must be filled out by addressor or legal hyro- | guardian of aforementioned (unless greater than line B above)) glyph-| ics |------------------------------------------------------------------------ (no | City, Town, Post Office, Shoe Size | Address greater than line 41?[]yes Latin)| | If yes, why? ________________[]no ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Height | Weight | Sex []yes | Occu- Yours _________ | Social Security Number | | []no | pation Spouse _________ | Yours _|_|_ Spouse _|_| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Do you wish to designate []yes | Isn't | NOTE: if you Presidential >> $1 of your taxes to this []no | this a | checked yes Election >>> worthy cause? []maybe | dumb law? | we will come Campaign >> What about the little lady? []metoo | []yes |and steal all > The kids, dog, cat, fish? []woof | []no | your hubcaps ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Requested > A. How many talking chickens do you own? | D yes? []no by >> B. Names _______________________________ | E no? []yes the >>> C. Do any of them play the oboe? []yes []no | F maybe?[]perhaps Department >>>>--------------------------------------------------------------- of >>> Do you live within 2 miles | Have you rotated |If no file IRS Agriculture >> of a decent pizza place? | your tires lately? |tire rotation > []yes []no []extra cheese | []yes []no []flat |Schedule L ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Filing 1 [] Single 2 [] Double 3 [] Triple 4 [] Sacrifice Fly |for IRS use Status 5 [] Married Filing Singly Joint return | O | | X (even if spouse is married separately) |---|---|--- 6 [] Joint married singly separate spouse | | X | (but filing double jointed) |---|---|--- 7 [] Head of Household filing separate but joint return | X | O | O (if unmarried but jointly single) |----------- 8 [] Head of joint filing single file spouses separately 9 [] Widow(er)with separate dependent filing out of joint return singly 10 [] Deceased filing posthumous return (attach notarized Death Schedule D, signed by deceased) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Exem- 41 a regular? | Enter number of ptions b [] yourself [] 65 or over [] blind [] dead | boxes checked > _ [] spouse [] 65 or over [] blind [] dead | c Names of Dependent children who lived with | Check number of You you __________________ Why? _______________ | boxes entered > _ are d Just first names dummy. | here 4 Do you weigh more than last year's tax form? | Enter number of | e Number of parakeets subtracted from Gross | checkered boxes _ | Rotated Income (plus line 27 - unless greater | \|/ than twelve miles) | Do nothing v f How many inches in a liter? _____ | Here > _ * 11 a Total Confusion (add lines 6e and f,g; fold in eggs, beat until firm) --------> - ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Income 12 Wages, Salaries, Tips, Extortion. (attach W2 forms to |##| | | your forehead with heavy duty staplegun) . . . . . . . . |12|____|_| 13 Remunerations (if less than gross reimbursements then |##| | | Please file schedule Q (see page 14 of "Joy of Cooking")) . . . |13|____|_| attach 14 Gross influx (see 40% of instructions) . . . . . . . . . |14|____|_| payment 15 Money you made (if $400 or less, more or less, list |##| | | (small schedule B without not filling in Part II and R2, but |##| | | unmarked more than line 8). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |15|____|_| bills) 16 What about all that cash you stashed in that jar under |##| | | here. the garage? (see page 7 of instructions) . . . . . . . . |16|____|_| | -------------------------------------------------------------------- |___ 17 Add lines 12 through 16, multiply by 2, |##| | | this is your total income. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |17|____|_| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Taxes 18 Enter Grossly adjusted net average income (line 17). . . |18|____|_| 19 Enter Total deductions (if greater than 0, enter 0). . . |19|____|_| 20 Subtract line 19 from line 18. Taxable income. . . . . . |20|____|_| 21 Figure Total Taxes using line 20 . . . . . . . . . . . . |##| | | [] Tax Table [] Tax Rate Schedule X, Y, or Z [] Guessed. |21|____|_| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Payment 23 Federal income tax withheld . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |23|____|_| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Amount 25 If line 23 is larger that 21, you made a mistake, |##| | | You re-figure your taxes. |##| | | Owe 26 Subtract line 23 from line 21. . . . . . . . . . . . . . |26|____|_| 27 Add the shirt off your back. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |27|____|_| 28 Send it in . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |28|____|_| 29 Pick a number between 1 and 10 . . . . . . . . . . . . . |29|____|_| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Please > Under penalty of death, I declare that every figure on this return and Sign >>accompanying schedules is correct to within 100% plus or minus some. Here > Signature ___________________________ date ___________ check here [] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
english.26 dejanr,
>Q: What is the difference between an Italian grandmother > and a Jewish grandmother? > >A: One says, "If you don't eat, I'll kill you," and the > other says, "If you don't eat, I'll kill myself." > And if you have a cannibal grandmother, she says "If you don't eat, I'll kill you and eat you myself."
english.27 dejanr,
MAN OF STEEL, WOMAN OF KLEENEX (by Larry Niven) At the ripe old age of forty,[1] Kal-El (alias Superman, alias Clark Kent), is still unmarried. Almost certainly he is still a virgin. This is a serious matter. The species itself is in danger! An unwed Superman's a mobile Superman. Thus it has been alleged that those who chronicle the Man of Steel's adventures are responsible for his condition. But the cartoonists are not to blame. Nor is Superman handicapped by psychological problems. Granted that the poor oaf is not entirely sane. How could he be? He is an orphan, a refugee, and an alien. His homeworld no longer exists in any form, save for gigatons upon gigatons of dangerous, prettily colored rocks. As a child and young adult, Kal-El must have been hard put to find an adequate father-figure. What human could control his antisocial behavior. What human would dare to try to punish him? His actual, highly asocial behavior during this period indicates an inhuman self-restraint. What wonder if Superman drifted gradually into schizophrenia? Torn between his human and kryptonian identities, he chose to be both, keeping his split personalities rigidly separate. A psychotic desperation is evident in his defense of his "secret identity." But Superman's sex problems are strictly physiological, and quite real. The purpose of this article is to point out some medical drawbacks to being a kryptonian among human beings, and to suggest possible solutions. The kryptonian humanoid must not be allowed to go the way of the pterodactyl and the passenger pigeon. ------------------- [1] Superman first appeared in Action Comics, June 1938. ************************************************************************** I. What turns on a kryptonian? Superman is an alien, an extraterrestrial. His humanoid frame is doubtless the result of parallel evolution, as the marsupials of Australia resemble their mammalian counterparts. A specific niche in the ecology calls for a certain shape, a certain size, certain capabilities, certain eating habits. Be not deceived by appearances. Superman is no relative to homo sapiens. What arouses Kal-El's mating urge? Did kryptonian women carry some subtle mating cue at appropriate times of year? Whatever it is, Lois Lane probably doesn't have it. We may speculate that she smells wrong, less like a kryptonian woman than like a terrestrial monkey. A mating between Superman and Lois Lane would feel like sodomy --- and would be, of course, by church and common law. ************************************************************************* II. Assume a mating between Superman and a human woman, designated LL for convenience. Either Superman has gone completely schizo and believes himself to be Clark Kent; or he knows what he's doing, but no longer gives a damn. Forty years is a long time. For Superman it has been even longer. He has X-ray vision; he knows just what is missing.[2] The problem is this. Electroencephalograms taken of men and women during sexual intercourse show that orgasm resembles "a kind of pleasurable epileptic attack." One loses control over one's muscles. Superman has been known to leave his fingerprints in steel and hardened concrete, accidentally. What would he do to the woman in his arms during what amounts to an epileptic fit? ------------------- [2] One should not think of Superman as Peeping Tom. A biological ability must be used. As a child Superman may never have known that things had surfaces, until he learned to suppress his X-ray vision. If millions of people tend shamelessly to wear clothing with no lead in the weave, that is hardly Superman's fault. ************************************************************************** III. Consider the driving urge between a man and a woman, the monomaniacal urge to achieve greater and greater penetration. Remember also that we are dealing with kryptonian muscles. Superman would literally crush LL's body in his arms, while simultaneously ripping her body open from crotch to sternum, gutting her like a trout. ************************************************************************** IV. Lastly, he'd blow off the top of her head. Ejaculation is entirely involuntary in the human male, and in all other forms of terrestrial life. It would be unreasonable to assume otherwise for a kryptonian. Kal-El's semen would emerge with the muzzle velocity of a machine gun bullet.[3] In view of the foregoing, normal sex is impossible between LL and Superman. Artificial insemination may give us better results. ------------------- [3] One can imagine that the Kent home in Smallville was riddled with holes during Superman's puberty, And why did Lana Lang never notice THAT? ************************************************************************** V. First we must collect the semen. The globules will emerge at transsonic speeds. Superman must first ejaculate, then fly frantically after the stuff to catch it in a test tube. We assume that he is on the Moon, both for privacy and to prevent the semen from exploding into vapor on hitting air at such speeds. He can catch the semen, of course, before it evaporates in vacuum. He's faster than a speeding bullet. But can he keep it? All known forms of kryptonian life have superpowers. The same must hold true of the kryptonian sperm. We may reasonably assume that kryptonian sperm are vulnerable only to starvation and to green kryptonite; that can travel with equal ease through water, air, vacuum, glass, brick, boiling steel, solid steel, liquid helium, or the core of the star; and that they are capable of translight velocities. What kind of test tube will hold such beasties? Kryptonian sperm and their unusual powers will give us further trouble. For the moment we will assume (because we must) that they tend to stay in the seminal fluid. which tends to stay in a simple glass tube. Thus Superman and LL can perform artificial insemination. At least there will be another generation of kryptonians. Or will there be? ************************************************************************** VI. A ripened but unfertilized egg leaves LL's ovary, begins its journey down her Fallopian tube. Some time later, tens of millions of sperm, released from a test tube, begin their voyage up LL's Fallopian tube. The magic moment approaches... Can human breed with Kryptonian? Do we even use the same genetic code. On the face of it, LL could more easily breed with an ear of a corn than with Kal-El. But coincidence does happen. If the genes match... One sperm arrives before the others. It penetrates the egg, forms a lump on its surface. The cell wall now thickens to prevent other sperm from entering. Within the now-fertilized egg, changes take place... And ten million sperm arrive slightly late. Were they human sperm, they would be out of luck. But these tiny blind things are more powerful than a locomotive. A thickened cell wall won't stop them. They will ALL enter the egg, obliterating it entirely in an orgy of microscopic gang rape. So much for artificial insemination. But LL's problems are just beginning. ************************************************************************** VII. Within her body there are still tens of millions of frustrated kryptonian sperm. The single egg is now too diffuse to be a target. The sperm scatter. They scatter without regard to what is in their path. They leave curved channels, microscopically small. Presently all will have found their way to the open air. This leaves LL with several million microscopic perforations all leading deep into her abdomen. Most of the channels will intersect one or more loops of intestine. Peritonitis is inevitable. LL becomes desperately ill. Meanwhile, tens of millions of sperm swarm in the air over Metropolis. ************************************************************************** VIII. This is more serious than it looks. Consider: these sperm are virtually indestructible. Within days or weeks they will die for lack of nourishment. Meanwhile they cannot be affected by heat, cold, vacuum, toxins, or anything short of green kryptonite.[4] There they are, miniscule but dangerous; for each has supernormal powers. Metropolis is shaken by tiny sonic booms. Worm-holes, charred by meteoric heat, sprout magically in all kinds of things: plate glass, masonry, antique ceramics, electric mixers, wood, household pets and citizens. Some of the sperm will break lightspeed. The Metropolis night comes alive with a network of narrow, eerie blue lines of Cherenkov radiation. And women whom Superman has never met find themselves in a delicate condition. Consider: LL won't get pregnant because there were too many of the blind mindless beasts. But whenever one sperm approaches an unfertilized human egg in its panic flight, it will attack. How close is close enough? A few centimeters? Are sperm attracted by chemical cues? It seems likely. Metropolis had a population of millions; and a kryptonian sperm could travel a long and crooked path, billions of miles, before it gives up and dies. Several thousand blessed events seem not unlikely.[5] Several thousand lawsuits would follow. Not that Superman can't afford to pay. There's a trick where you squeeze a lump of coal into its allotropic diamond form... ------------------- [4] And other forms of kryptonite. For instance, there are chunks of red kryptonite that makes giants of kryptonians. Imagine ten million earthworm-sized spermatozoa swarming over Metropolis beach, diving to fertilize beach balls, but I digress... [5] If the pubescent Superman plays with himself, we can have the same problem over Smallville. ************************************************************************** IX. The above analysis gives us part of the answer. In our experiment in artificial insemination, we must use a single sperm. This presents no difficulty. Superman may use his microscopic vision and a pair of tiny tweezers to pluck a sperm from the swarm. ************************************************************************** X. In its eagerness the single sperm may crash through LL's abdomen at transsonic speeds, wrecking havoc. Is there any way to slow it down. There is. We can expose it to gold kryptonite. Gold kryptonite, we remember, robs a kryptonian of all of his supernormal powers, permanently. Were we to expose Superman himself to gold kryptonite, we would solve all his sex problems, but he would be Clark Kent forever. We may regard this solution as somewhat drastic. But we can expose the test tube of seminal fluid to gold kryptonite, then use standard techniques for artificial insemination. By any of these methods we can get LL pregnant, without killing her. Are we out of the woods yet? ************************************************************************** XI. Though exposed to gold kryptonite, the sperm still carries kryptonian genes. If these are recessive, the LL carries a developing human fetus. There will be no more Supermen; but at least we need not worry about the mother's health. But if some or all of the kryptonian genes are dominant... Can the infant use his X-ray vision before birth? After all, with such power he can probably see through his own closed eyelids. That would leave LL sterile. If the kid starts to use heat vision, things get even worse. But when he starts to kick, its all over. He will kick his way out into the open air, killing himself and his mother. ************************************************************************** XII. Is there a solution? There are several. Each has drawbacks. We can make LL wear a kryptonite[6] belt around her waist. But too little kryptonite may allow the child to damage her, while too much may damage or kill the child. Intermediate amounts may do both! And there is no safe way to experiment. A better solution is to find a host-mother. We have not yet considered the existence of Supergirl.[7] She could carry the child without harm. But Supergirl has a secret identity, and her secret identity is no more married than Supergirl herself. If she turned up pregnant, she would probably be thrown out of the school. A better solution would be to implant the growing fetus in Superman himself. There are places in a man's abdomen where a fetus could draw adequate nourishment, growing as a parasite and where it would not cause undue harm to surrounding organs. Presumably Clark Kent can take a leave of absence more easily than Supergirl's schoolgirl alter ego. When the time comes, the child would be removed by Caesarian section. It would have to be removed early, but there would be no problem with incubators as long as it was fed. I leave the problem through Superman's invulnerable skin, as an exercise for the alert reader. The mind boggles at the image of a pregnant Superman cruising the skies of Metropolis. Batman would refuse to be seen with him; strange new jokes would circulate the prisons ... and the race of Krypton would be safe at last. ------------------- [6] For our purposes, all forms of kryptonite are available in unlimited quantities. Is has been estimated, from the startling tonnage of kryptonite fallen to Earth since the explosion of Krypton, that the planet must have outweighed our entire solar system. Doubtless the "planet" Krypton was a cooled black dwarf star, one of a binary pair, the other member being a red giant. [7] She can't mate with Superman because she's his first cousin. And only a cad would suggest differently. ************************************************************************** ************************************************************************** A note by the author: Surely every child who ever read a comic book has wondered about these matters? But my venture into xenofertility was only party conversation until Bjo Trimble made me type it up. It's generated tremendous levels of feedback, and more damned FUN... There's a dramatization: an underground comic that looks very like DC treatment except for being black and white. It begins as Superman drops and smashes the Kandor bottle, and ends as The Atom (the little one) implants a fertilized egg. People read the article to their friends over the phone. Kirk Alyn is a wedge-shaped old man, looks like you'd want to look at that age. He played Superman in the serials. He read "Man of Steel..." because a young lady recognized him on the airplane; she handed him a copy of ALL THE MYRIAD WAYS with the article marked. He says he's always wondered what she had in mind, When the Superman movie was about to happen, a Brit videotaped some interviews at the Griffith Park Planetarium. At his behest I described, on videotape, the problems a Kryptonian would face living a normal life on Earth. He held his straight face until he had what he wanted, then he cracked up. A real pro. And Ben Bova bought reprint rights for Omni magazine. I altered and signed the contract, cashed the check, and waited. Nothing. At Omni's first anniversary party at Griffith Observatory, I asked Ben, "When will you publish 'Man of Steel...'?" He wouldn't. Why not? Well, the Superman movie people and the DC comics people all know about "Man of Steel." They wouldn't let Ben ILLUSTRATE the article, and Omni is such a visual magazine... In June of '88 Superman's 50th birthday was celebrated with a convention in Cleveland, his true birthplace. They'd promised a statue; it never happened. A panel on crossbreeding of humans and aliens turned out to be just me! I managed to hold audience by reading this article, then discussing Reed and Sue Richards, Mr.Spock, V-for-Visitors, risathra[8]... Sex with aliens seems to fascinate people. -------------------- [8] Sex outside you own species, but within hominids.
english.28 dejanr,
The following is an excerpt from `Producing American Selves: The form of American Biography" by Rob Wilson, in `boundary 2' (Summer 1991) as reported in the Winter 1992 `Wilson Quarterly.' Wilson is an English professor (!) at the University of Hawaii. As postmodern ethnography de-familiarizes the genre of life-writing into a voracious apparatus of textualized selfhood, the underlying cultural function of biography, at least as a Western genre, can be seen to insinuate and extend what James Clifford has called "the myth of coherant personality." That is, by means of a massive life-writing consuming and producing selves from George Washington to Cary Grant and Alice James, the primary function of biography is to disseminate a plethora of *selves* who might instantiate this integrity of selfhood as achieved against a more or less recessive social background, what Le'vi-Strauss, Lacan, and Althusser have theorized (less blithely) as the overdeterminations of mythic structures, libidinal codes, and economic base. Hence, in contracting to document and amass the thematics of such a particularized self, the biographer enters the terms of a genre in which he or she contracts to deliver the individual as a tormented journey toward coherent unity, striking personality, and expressive selfhood ...
english.29 dejanr,
Q: Why did Jeffery Dahmer eat his victims? A: He wanted to impress Jodie Foster. (I thought this one up watching last night's Oscar telecast. Folks still remember John Hinkley, don't they?)
english.30 dejanr,
HE: I like talking with you. Could I have your number? SHE: 1-900-555-1473 HE: What? Isn't that where you pay... SHE: Oh, did you want my HOME number?
english.31 dejanr,
Congressional Quicken Congressional Quicken is a new version of Quicken written specifically for Congress people who have trouble keeping track of their financial status. With Congressional Quicken we took regular Quicken and redesigned it with a much simplified interface (we know our clientele). Congressional Quicken has features specifically designed to make sure that the Congress person can never become overdrawn or face the embarassment of overdrafting a check. (Thereby avoiding the rath of the lowly voter.) Here is what a normal Quicken account might look like: ============================================================================== |Date | Check # | To/From: | Debit | Credit | Total | | 282.51| ============================================================================== |03/12| 192 | To: Grocery Store (food) | 87.33 | | 195.18| |03/15| DEP | From: Work (salary) | | 135.66 | 330.84| |03/17| 193 | To: Credit Card | 450.00 | | -119.16| ============================================================================== Notice how check 193 caused the total to go negative (a cash flow reversal), this could never happen with Congressional Quicken. Here is a sample from one of the top Congressional seats that uses Congressional Quicken: ============================================================================== |Date | Check # | To/From: | Credit | Total | | 158932.21| ============================================================================== |03/12| 192 | To: Grocery Store (party) | 2153.45 | 161085.66| |03/15| DEP | From: Bribe (salary) | 5625.00 | 166710.66| |03/17| 193 | To: Credit Card (party) | 8321.88 | 175032.54| ============================================================================== Enhanced features of Congressional Quicken: No debit column - Everything is counted as a credit. Makes it much easier for the busy Congress person who now doesn't need to worry about the headache of subtraction and when to "borrow" from one column. Expanded Credit and Total columns - No more worry about how to squeeze in those extra numbers when the next pay raise rolls around. All this and many, many more features for the unbelievably low price of $7995 Cash only. No checks, no credit cards, no exceptions. (we know that regular Quicken is only $79.95, but hey this is a government thing) Order now and you will also receive our highly acclaimed pop-up TSR: Budget Busters Yes, Budget Busters, the very same program that is used by such overpaid, under-responsible US executives as: a former-president of United Way, who had this to say about Budget Busters, "With out Budget Busters I could not have earned $460,000 as the president of a charity. It helped me to hide my salary for years and I won't even talk about the perks that it helped me to get." a CEO of IBM, "Do you really think that I could have helped IBM lose as many millions of dollars as I did, blast my employees for being lazy, and give myself a 17% pay raise without the help of Budget Busters." Many executives at GMC, "Budget Busters helped us to dole out $80 million in executive bonus's while our company was going down the tubes." Resolution Trust Corporation (RTC) handling the S&L bailout, "Without the help of Budget Busters could we say 'What $7 billion?'"
english.32 dejanr,
A friend of mine who used to work in a factory related to me the following story: One day, during a bathroom break, he decided to upgrade the quality of the graffiti in the stall. Among the various obscene drawings and phrases, he found some space to write "Nous ne sommes pas les hommes, nous sommes Devo". ("We are not men, we are Devo", from an old Devo song.) By the next day, someone had responded: "Spics eat shit!" C'est la vie!
english.33 dejanr,
Here in England, at school we were taught that the only requirement for a US president was to have been born an American citizen. Judging from reports over here of the political campaigns there are two other unwritten rules. One must not have ever committed adultery and one must never have dodged the draft. Is it too late to put forward Kyle Maclachlan as a presidential candidate, with the slogan: "Make War Not Love"
english.34 dejanr,
Well, here it is, the very first day of 1993 and, as is typical for this time of year, everyone is taking a look back over the big stories of 1992 and making their predictions for the future. 1992 was certainly an exciting year full of surprises, changes, and hope for the future (or at least fear of the present), so let's dive in and take an entertaining look at those bits of news that made 1992 the year it was. Faced with ever-changing national boundries and the approaching European unification, the UN voted in February to create a single worldwide standard for monetary exchange, the Standard Currency Reference Unit (SCRU) which wouldn't be dependent on any individual nation for its continued value. So far the world opinion has been quite favorable and it probably won't be too many years before nearly all of the world's governments are SCRUed. Controversies about what to do with taxes raged throughout 1992 with no end in sight. One of the hottest debates was over whether to raise or lower capital gains taxes, and by year's end, proponents of both sides in Congress had agreed on a compromise measure which would leave capital gains tax rates unchanged, but increase the quantity of paperwork required from the typical taxpayer by a factor of twelve. American Citizens for Tax Awareness (ACTA) decried the measure, saying that under the new rules, the time the average taxpayer spends working just to pay the year's taxes added to the time it takes to figure out those taxes will increase to over seventeen months per year. The economy looked sluggish at the end of 1992 after a second year of particularly disappointing retail sales during the critical christmas gift-giving season. Consumers Revolted by Awful Products (CRAP) claimed, however, that poor gift sales for both years could be attributed not to an ailing economy, but to yet another year dominated by incredibly stupid gift ideas. They cited the most heavilly advertised gifts of 1991--the Salad Shooter, the "Tater Twister" electric curly-fry cutter, and Cabbage Patch "Preemies" stuffed, vaguely ugly-looking, prematurely-born infants--and 1992--"Balls-O-Phun" electric mellon baller, "Mister Tea" electric teabag holder, and Cabbage Patch Cadavers anatomically accurate Home Dissection Kit. The newly formed Confederacy of Independent Soviet Republics fell apart in March after all member republics voted to secede and then form the Soviet Confederacy of Independent Republics. The SCIA lasted through mid-June when all member countries seceded to form the Independent Confederacy of Republican Soviets, a union which remained stable until November when all member countries voted to secede and form the coalition of nations that they are today. Only time will tell if the new union, the Judean People's Front, will endure longer than the past unions. Rumors suggest that there is rising support for the formation of a new union, tentatively called either "The People's Front of Judea" or "The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics Classic." Speaking of Soviet politics, Boris Yeltsin caught the world's attention in February when he was trapped in a malfunctioning pay toilet. Many people feel that this incident and the media coverage it generated was responsible for Yeltsin's sudden decline in power and the simultaneous rise to leadership of Vladimir Potemkov, the janitor who rescued him. Former Mayor Marion Barry moved from politics into music, forming Barry and the Marionettes and releasing their first album of racy but politically hip tunes in August. Sales soared when a Florida town charged that the album was obscene and ordered it to be removed from the shelves but, despite Barry's impassioned pleas before the judge hearing the case, the charges were dismissed almost immediately, after which only seventeen more copies were sold. After advertisers began using rap music in ads for everything from yogurt and bran supplements to denture adhesive and adult-sized diapers, the popularity of Rap music among American youth dropped sharply. A previously neglected urban music genre, "Jack", relying on jackhammers and other items of construction equipment for its harmonies, seems to be filling the void left by rap. If Tiny Tim's Jack version of "Tiptoe Through the Tulips"--the first jack song to break the top ten--continues its climb into this year, it will be hard for anyone to dispute that jack music is a force to be reckoned with in the music industry. Neo-pointless artist Cristo unveiled his latest masterwork in August, simultaneously wrapping the Eiffel Tower and both towers of the World Trade Center in sheets of blue plastic. Due to a slight miscalculation, more than seven hundred tourists and workers suffocated before airholes could be added to the artwork, breaking the old record for most people killed by any single Cristo work. Interestingly enough, rumor has it that Cristo is currently negotiating with the Fox Network about the possibility of making a sitcom based on this and previous works. The 1992-1993 TV season began in September with several new and changed shows. Many fans were displeased when the producers of the show "Star Trek, The Next Generation" replaced most of the cast with new members. Disappointing ratings led to more changes in the show, including replacing Patrick Stewart (Captain Picard) with Macaulay Culkin (best known for his starring role in "Home Alone") and replacing Brent Spiner (Data) with a robot daggit named "Muffet." Stay tuned to see whether these changes improve the ratings in the coming year. Intel introduced the 586 in May in both the 586DX and 586SUX versions; the DX version was introduced in 50MHz and 60MHz versions and by September, they introduced a double-clock version that, with a 50MHz external clock, would operate its bus interface at 50MHz while running internally at 100MHz. The SUX version, which is currently the one being used by most manufacturers of IBM-compatible systems, is exactly like the 586DX except that it is 15% cheaper, has a top clock speed of 4.77MHz, and lacks the protected mode capabilities of the DX version. 1992 was the year that IBM announced that it was abandoning support for its MCA bus, the bus standard they introduced along with the PS/2 line of computers which had received only limited industry support. In July, IBM unveiled the first of its line of PS/100 computers, the PS/100 model 10, a file-cabinet sized single-user computer built around a modified version of the S-100 bus, distinguished from the original S-100 bus specification by having half of the data lines changed to 110-volt AC lines to accomodate future cards with their own power supplies. IBM also announced that it will be releasing a scaled-down version of the PS/100 line in the first quarter of 1993, hoping to make it the "personal computer for the masses." The new machine will be called the PSR-80 for "Personal System (Really!)" and basic units will feature a text-only monochrome display, a cassette tape interface, and up to four optional 160K single-sided floppy drives. IBM claims that it has responded to complaints that its PS/2 line wasn't sufficiently backward-compatible by making the PSR-80 capable of running even CP/M programs. Built around the eight-bit 586Z80X, the PSR-80 will run most applications about as fast as a current PS/2 model 70 running Windows. By the time the November Presidential elections rolled around, few were surprised by George Bush's defeat against Democratic contender Mario Cuomo whose campaign had gained force throughout the year, despite his monthly announcements that he wasn't actually going to run. Most people were surprised, however, when Bush came in, not second, but third--carrying two fewer states than Bill and Opus. After the election, George Bush announced that he would retire from politics and concentrate on developing a technique of making fat-free pork rinds. Vice President Dan Quayle, however, said that he still planned to throw his hat into the ring in 1996 and is reportedly trying to contact Bill the Cat with the aim of running together in the next election. Well, that's it for this year--see you next time, same place, same channel!
english.35 dejanr,
The Jerusalem virus is a virus that infects IBM Personal Computers and contemptibles. It has been around since the days of William Blake and so is relatively common. On Friday the 13th of any month a machine with an active virus will have every Dark Satanic Program it runs (in particular every PASCAL program) deleted. After that the computer ceases from mental strife almost entirely. This one infects your computer by walking all over England's mounted screens, and when programs are running so is the virus. The virus sometimes gives itself away by putting a small bow of burning gold on the screen and by disabling the up-arrows of desire about half an hour after the computer has been started.
english.36 dejanr,
Rules of Travel, and Code of Conduct for moving from room to room while on company premises. I. Code of Conduct when encountering other personel in hallways. o Your conduct when meeting other personel in the hallway will be determined by the distance between the two of you, and the level of recognition you have. o If you don't know the other person, you are not obliged to acknowledge their presence. Simply look straight in front of you, or look down at your feet when passing. You must not look at them! o If you don't like someone, you can tell them so by not saying 'Hi' in the hallway. o If you know the other person and are at a distance, do not look at them yet. You must wait until they are within arms reach to say 'Hi so-and-so'. This allows you to surprise them by knowing their name, especially if they don't know yours. o If you recognize a person, but can't remember their name, you may not cheat and try to read their badge. They can tell you're doing that, and they don't like it. o If you are going to turn into another hallway, you may wave just before turning. This is allowed only if you can do it so the other person does not have time to realise that you are turning. That way they don't have to wave since they were waiting to get within arms reach to say 'Hi'. o If you don't know the other persons name, you are better off turning early instead of risking the emarassment of saying 'Hi, how ya doing?' when the other person calls you by name. This way you can perform the early-turn-and-wave procedure, thus putting them at the disadvantage, rather than you.
english.37 petrovic,
Note 42.5 BALKAN ENGLISH 5 of 18 -< Maj vej of spiking >- In the eyes of the new year == Uoci nove godine An onion and an arrow == Luk i strela Yes little duck == Dapace ž == Dje's bolan? If I was == Da sam voz Save your love == Sava juri lava Would you translate me on the second page of the street? == Hocete li me prevesti preko ulice? How much is watch? == Koliko je sati? Around for around, tooth for tooth == Oko za oko, zub za zub Moving pie == Gibanica Military face == Vojno lice Fuck a shop == Zajebi radnju To fall on mind == Pasti na pamet Forbiden smoking == Zabranjeno pu{enje Which what == Kojesta How yes no? == Kako, da ne? Da da kako da ne == Yes yes how yes no And that what you say == I to sto kazes Small o-voice-and == Mali oglasi Youngness-madness == Mladost-ludost Stupid Yes-No == Glupi Dane (na racun naseg druga Jefte:) Cheap socks == Jeftine carape (na racun naseg druga Jadana:) I day == Jadan A human and a woman == covek i zena Comrade-you-that == Drug Tito Or I == Ilija Stupid Cheapo == Glupi Jefta Homo Erectus Ő == Covek Sa Erekcijom :ńóíĆĐ í íŇü ŰOlí
english.39 zlaya,
Evo jedan izvod iz knjige (pogodite koje) od dragog nam pisca (pogodite kog) :) High on a rocky promontory sat an Electris Monk on a bored horse. From under its rough woven cowl the Monk gazed unblinkingly down into another walley, with wich it was having a problem. The day was hot, the sun stood in an empty hazy sky and beat down upon the gray rocks and the scrubby, parched grass. Nothing moved, not even the Monk. The horse's tail moved a little, swishing slightly to try and move a little air, but that was all. Otherwise, nothing moved. The Electric Monk was a labour-saving device, like a dishwasher or a video recorder. Dishwshers washed tedious dishes for you, thus saving you the bother of washing them yourself, video recorders watched tedious television for you, thus saving you the bother of looking at it yourself; Electric Monks believed things for you, thus saving you what was becoming an icreasingly onerous task, that of believing all the things the world expected you to believe. Unfortunately this Electric Monk had developed a fault, and had started to believe all kinds of things, more or less at random. It was even beginning to believe things they'd have dificulty believing in Salt Lake City. It had never heard of Salt Lake City, of course. Nor had it ever heard of quingigillion, which was roughly the number of miles between this valley and the Great Salt Lake of Utah. The problem with the valley was this. The Monk curently believed that the valey and everything in the valley and around it, including the Monk itself and the Monk's horse, was a uniform shade of pale pink. This made for a certain difficulty in distinguishing any one thing from any other thing, and therefore made doing anything or going anywhere impossible, or at least difficult and dangerous. Hence the imobbility of the Monk and the boredom of the horse, which had had to put up with the lot of silly things in its time but was secretly of the opinion that this was one of the silliest How long did the Monk believe these things ? Well, as far as the Monk was concerned, forever. The faith which move mountains, or at least believes them against all the available evidence to be pink, was solid and abiding faith, a great rock against which the world could hurl whatever it would, yet it would not be shaken. In practice, the horse knew, twenty- four hours was ussualy about its lot. So what of this horse, then, that actually held opinions, and was sceptical about things? Unusual behaviour for a horse, wasn't it? An unusual horse perhaps? No. Although it was certainly a handsome and well-built example of its species, it was none the less a perfectly ordinary horse, such as convergent evolution has produced in many of the places that life is to be found. They have always understood a great deal more than they let on. It is difficult to be sat on all day, every day, by some other creature, without forming an opinion about them. On the other hand, it is perfectly possible to sit all day, every day, on the top of another creature and not have the slightest tought about them whatsoever. When the early models of these Monks were built, it was felt to be important that they be instantly recognisable as artificial objects. There must be no danger of their loking at all like real people. You wouldn't your video recorder lounging around on the sofa all day while it was watching TV. You wouldn't want it picking its nose, drinking beer and sending out for pizzas. So the Monks were built with an eye for originality of design and also for practical horse-riding ability. This was important. People, and indeed things, look more sincere on a horse. So two legs were held to be both more suitable and cheaper than the more normal primes of seventeen, nineteen or twenty-three; the skin that the Monk was given was pinkish-looking instead of purple, soft and smooth instead of crenellated. They were also restricted to just the one mouth and nose, but were given instead an additional eye, making for grand total of two. A strange- looking creature indeed. But truly excellent at believing most preposterous things. This Monk had first gone wrong when it was simply given too much to believe in one day. It was, by mistake, cross-connected to a video recorder that was watching eleven TV channels simultaneosly, and this caused it to blow a bank of illogic circuits. The video recorder only had to watch them, of course. It didn't have to believe them all as well. This is why instruction manuals are so important. So after a hectic week of believing that war is peace, that good was bad, that the moon was made of blue cheese, and that God needed a lot of money sent to a certain box number, the Monk started to believe that thirty-five percent of all tables were hermaphrodites, and then broke down. The man from the Monk shop said that it needed a whole new motherboard, but then pointed out that the new improved Monk Plus models were twice as powerful, had an entirely new multy-tasking Negative Capability feature that allowed them to hold up to sixteen entirely different and contradictory ideas in memory simultanoesly withouth generating any irritating system errors, were twice as fast and at least three times as glib, and you could have a whole new one for less than the cost of replacing the motherboard of the old model. That was it. Done. The faulty Monk was turned out into the desert where it could believe what it liked, including the idea that it had been hard done by. It was allowed to keep its horse, since horses were so cheap to make. For a number of days and nights, which it wariously believed to be there, forty-three, and five hudred and ninety-eight thousand seven hundre and three, it roamed the desert, putting its simple Electric trust in rocks, birds, clouds and a form of non-exisent elephant-asparagus, until at last it fetched up here, on this high rock, overlooking a valley that was not, despite the deep fervour of the Monk's belief, pink. Not even a little bit. Time passed.
english.40 zlaya,
EVO GA OVDE I PREVOD DRUGOG POGLAVLJA " DIRK GENTLY'S HOLISTIC DETECTIVE AGENCY ", PETE KNJIGE DOUGLAS ADAMSA. Visoko na stenovitoj obali sedeo je Elektricni Kaludjer na ugnjavljenom konju. Ispod njegove prirodno zatalasane kapuljace Kaludjer je ukoceno gledao dole u drugu dolinu, sa kojom je imao problem. Dan je bio vreo, sunce je stajalo na praznom maglovitom nebu i tuklo dole po sivom stenju i izdrljanoj, sasusenoj travi. Nista se nije pomeralo, cak ni Kaludjer. Konjev rep se malo pomerao, sibao lagano, pokusavajuci da pomeri malo vazduha, ali to je bilo sve. Osim toga, nista se nije kretalo. Elekticni Kaludjer je bio pomocno sredstvo za rad, kao masina za pranje sudja, ili videorekorder. Masine za pranje posudja su lagano prale posudje za vas, spasavajuci vas zamlacivanja da ih vi perete, videorekorderi su lagano gledali televiziju za vas, spasavajuci vas gnjavljenja da je sami gledate; Elektricni Kaludjer je verovao u stvari umesto vas spasavajuci vas stvaranja sve veceg casnog posla da verujete u sve stvari koje svet od vas ocekuje da verujete. Nazalost ovaj Kaludjer je razvio gresku, i poceo da veruje u sve vrste stvari, vise ili manje slucajno. Cak je poceo da veruje u stvari, sa kojima su imali probleme da veruju u Salt Lake City -ju. Nikada nije ni cuo za Salt Lake City, naravno. Niti je ikada cuo za kvingigilion, koliki je bio otprilike broj milja izmedju ove doline i Velikog Slanog Jezera u Utahu. Problem sa ovom dolinom je bio sledeci. Kaludjer je trenutno verovao da je dolina, sve u dolini i oko nje, ukljucujuci samog kaludjera i njegovog konja, bilo u jedinstvenoj nijansi blago ruzicaste. Ovo je rezultiralo odredjenom poteskocom u razlucivanju bilo koje stvari, od bilo koje druge stvari, i naravno, radjenja bilo cega ili odlaska bilo gde nemogucim, ili u najmanju ruku teskim i opasnim. Odatle nepokretnost Kaludjera i dosadji- vanje konja, koji je trebao da se slozi sa puno sasavih stvari svojevreme- no, ali je potajno bio misljenja da je ovo jedno od najsasavijih. Koliko dugo je Kaludjer verovao u ove stvari? Pa, odkad je Kaludjer bio zabrinut, zauvek. Vera koja pokrece planine, ili barem veruje u njih uprkos raspolozivim dokazima da su ruzicaste, je bila solidna i istrajna vera, velika stena protiv koje svet moze bacati sta god hoce, ali ipak ne bi bila protresena. Prakticno, konj je znao, dvadeset cetiri casa je obicno previse za to. Pa sta je onda od ovog konja bilo, da je trenutnog misljenja, i bilo skepticno oko toga? Neobicno ponasanje za konja, zar ne? Neobican konj mozda? Ne. Uprkos tih predivnih i dobro izgradjenih primera njegovih osobina, on je bio nista manje nego savrseno obican konj, kao sto ih je evolucija stvorila na mnogim mestima gde je pronadjen zivot. Oni su uvek razumeli vise nego sto im je bilo dozvoljeno. Tesko je biti osedlan ceo dan, svaki dan, od strane drugog stvora, bez formiranja misljenja o njemu. Sa druge strane, savrseno je moguce sedeti ceo dan, svaki dan, povrh drugog stvora nemajuci najmanjih misli o njemu uopste. Kada su raniji modeli ovi Kaludjera napravljeni, osecali su da je vazno da oni budu trenutno prepoznatljivi kao vestacki objekti. Nije smelo biti opasnosti od njihovog izgleda uopste kao da su pravi ljudi. Vi nebiste hteli da vas videorekorder izlezava po sofi ceo dan dok gleda TV. Nebiste hteli da cacka nos, pije pivo i narucuje pice Pa su kaludjeri bili napravljeni sa okom za originalni dizajn i takodje prakticnom konjo-jahacom mogucnoscu.Ovo je bilo vazno. Ljudi, i naravno stvari, izgledaju bezgresnije na konju. Pa su dve noge bile prikladnije i jeftinije nego normalnije primarno sedamnaest, devetnaest ili dvadeset i tri. Koza koju je Kaludjer imao je bila rozikasta umesto purpurne, meka i glatka umesto naborane. Takodje su bili ograniceni na jedan nos i usta, ali su zato imali dodatno oko, sto je cinilo veliki zbir od dva. Bas cudnoliko stvorenje. Ali stvarno izvanredno u verovanju u vecinu neverovatnih stvari. Ovaj Kaludjer se prvi put pokvario kada mu je jednostavno dato da veruje previse samo u jednom danu. Bio je, greskom, prevezan na videorekorder koji je gledao jedanaest TV kanala istovremeno, sto je prouzrocilo pregorevanje bloka ilogickih kola. Videorekorder samo treba da ih gleda, naravno. Netreba da veruje u njih. Ovo je jedan od razloga zasto su uputstva za upotrebu tako vazna. Pa je posle burne nedelje verovanja da je rat bio mir, da je dobro bilo lose, da je mesec napravljen od plavog sira, i da Bog treba veliku kolicinu novca koji treba poslati na odredjeni postanski broj, Kaludjer poceo da veruje da su trideset i pet procenata od svih stolova hermafroditi, i onda se pokvario. Covek iz kaludjerske radnje je rekao da je potreban ceo novi maderbord, ali onda naglasio da su novorazvijeni Kaludjer Plus modeli duplo jaci, imaju ceo novi multi-tasking modul negativnih mogucnosti, koji mu omogucava da drzi do sesnaest potpuno razlicitih i kontradiktornih ideja u memoriji istovremeno, bez generisanja iritirajucih sistemskih gresaka, duplo brzi, i najmanje triput protocniji, a mozete ga imati potpuno novog za cenu manju od potrebne za zamenu maderborda na starom. To je bilo to. Uradjeno. Neispravan Kaludjer je poslat u pustinju gde je mogao da veruje usta hoce, ukljucujuci i ideju da je s njim lose postupljeno. Dozvoljeno mu je da zadrzi svog konja, jer su oni bili jeftini za izradu. Posle brojnih dana i noci, u kojima je promenljivo verovao da je tri, cetrdeset i tri, i pet stotina devedeset osam hiljada sedam stotina i tri, lutao je pustinjom, usadjujuci njegovu jednostavnu elektricnu veru u stenje, ptice, oblake i forme nepostojecih slonovskih asparagusa, dok se napokon nije dovukao ovde, na visoku stenu, pregledajuci dolinu koja nije, uprkos dubokoj cestitosti Kaludjerovog verovanja, ruzicasata. Cak ni najmanje. Vreme je prolazilo. P.S. zeleo sam da i vama pruzim malo zadovoljstva koje sam ja imao citajuci ovu knjigu. e, da! svaka slicnost sa trenutnom drustveno politicko partijsko bezbednosnom situacijom je apsolutno nemoguca... ;>>>>>> ZLAYA :)))
english.41 dejanr,
In a previous posting, someone suggested that the young Elvis stamp be used for regular mail, while the old Elvis be used for bulk mail. I like Jay Leno's suggestion better: Your letter starts off with the young Elvis stamp and, by the time it's delivered, winds up with the old Elvis stamp.
english.42 dejanr,
This was in a 1992 Jan 30 {Wall Street Journal} article about speaker Mikki Williams. I have no idea whether it's original with her. "I broke up with my fiance yesterday. He asked, 'Is there someone else?' I said, 'There just MUST be.'"
english.43 dejanr,
A couple of pieces of string are hanging out on the street corner. One says, "I'm thirsty. I think I'll go into the bar across the street and get myself a beer." The other strings says... (A pink rabbit rudely interupts the two, playing a large drum as he rolls down the street. He spins around in front of the two strings, and continues on his merry way.) Still going!! Nothing beats alt.pink.bunny.boom.boom.boom. It keeps going, and going, and going...
english.44 dejanr,
Seen written above a urinal in the Science Center at Valparaiso University: My life story, basically I started out as a gamete. Written just below it, perhaps by a well meaning Professor: Only one? Neat trick.
english.45 dejanr,
For the last 3 weeks, officially, and for the last 2 years, unofficially, we've had to endure the tedium of a General Election campaign in the UK. As a result the last 20-odd news bulletins I've heard have been something like this: Here is the news. The election campaign today concentrated on the issue of Health./Education./the EEC./taxes./the economy./Defence./public transport./ devolution./public spending. For the Tories, John Major/Douglas Hurd/Kenneth Clark/Norman Lamont/Kenneth Baker condemned/described Neil Kinnock/Gerald Kaufman/John Smith/Gordon Brown/Roy Hattersley/John Prescott as a bearded/bald/Welsh/sinister/fat/stupid creep,/moron,/windbag,/toad,/lunatic,/fraud, while for Labour, Neil Kinnock/Gerald Kaufman/John Smith/Gordon Brown/Roy Hattersley/John Prescott condemned/described John Major/Douglas Hurd/Kenneth Clark/Norman Lamont/Kenneth Baker as a selfish/bloated/dangerous/brutal/crooked/lying/dull grey hound./android./snob./Rottweiler./swindler. For the Liberal Democrats, Paddy Ashdown condemned the personal attacks/bickering/negative tactics/rudeness/insults/attitudes of the other two parties and described John Kinnock/Neil Major/Gerald Hurd/Douglas Kaufman/John Lamont/Norman Smith as a crazy/wicked/despotic/foolish/nasty/confused child-molester./mass-murderer/rapist./thief./liar./adulterer. Three new opinion polls were published today: a Mori/Harris poll puts the Conservatives 3/4/5/6/7 points ahead, whereas a National Opinion Poll/Gallup poll puts the Labour Party 3/4/5/6/7 points ahead. A MORON/RAVING/BATTY/DUMBO/GOOFY poll puts the Liberal Democrats/Monster Raving Loony Party/Welsh Nationalists/ Whiplash (corrective) party/Natural Law party/Fancy Dress party/Gremloids in the lead by 27/37/47 percentage points. The BBC poll of polls, which combines the four most recent polls, puts Labour/the Conservatives one point/half a point/two points/one and a half points ahead. And now the rest of the news: World War III broke out today./China has invaded Australia./ Saddam Hussein has attacked Israel./the Martians have landed./ the Second Coming took place 20 minutes ago./ the Netherlands disappeared under the sea this morning./ Chernobyl has exploded again.
english.46 dejanr,
OK, it all started when my semi-mythical and nonexistant friend Ikiru decided to teach karate on campus. He went through the whole process of getting room permits and all, and decided to put together a poster to advertise the class. So he read all those old Charles Atlas ads and those endless ju-jitsu and hopkido blurbs in the back of the comic books, and he came up with the following poster: /----------------------------------------------------------------\ | M A R T I A L A R T S | | | | - Learn Ancient Asian Techniques | | - Develop Impressive Skills | | - Learn the Art of Control | | - Build Self-Confidence | | - Protect Yourself | | - Train with exotic Impliments | | - Achieve your Maximum Potential | | | | New Class meets on Tuesday and Thursday, 7:00 PM | | | \----------------------------------------------------------------/ The poster was adorned with a large script Japanese character, which Ikiru admitted to me was the character for nori, the seaweed that one uses for wrapping sushi. But nevertheless, the poster was pretty impressive. So Ikiru sent the design to the printer, got two hundred copies, and put them up around campus. Tuesday night comes, and he arrives at the gym at a quarter of seven. To his amazement, there are already around two hundred students there! Now, based on his beautiful poster, he had expected a decent-sized group, but this was extraordinary! He glanced at his poster, and discovered why. The printer had evidently reversed two letters when typesetting the poster: the "T" and the "I" in the title had been transposed...
english.47 dejanr,
Having worked hustling pizzas for a few months in 1988, I got the inspiration for this one... You know you're driving fast when you look in your rear-view mirror and notice the car you just passed has a Domino's delivery guy in it.
english.48 dejanr,
Heard on the Morning Joke-off for WGFX-FM, 104.5, the Fox, in Nashville: "I have a Karnak for you: The answer is Jack Nicholson, Bill Clinton, and Jerry Brown. The question is: Name a joker, a smoker, and a midnight toker."
english.49 dejanr,
A guy walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender stops him, and says that dogs aren't allowed in the bar, and that the dog will have to stay outside. "But", the guy says, "this is Butch, the talking dog." "Really", the bartender says (traditional bartender wit). "OK, I'll prove it. He'll fetch the paper." "Well, a lot of dogs can do that..." "And pay for it, and return the change? ", the man says. The bartender replies, "OK, I've got to see this...." The man hands the dog a five dollar bill, and tells the dog to go get him a paper. The dog replies, "OK, boss." "And, don't forget my change!", the man yells after the dog. One hour goes by, and the dog hasn't returned. Two hours go by, and still no dog. Three hours go by, and the owner is starting to get worried, so he goes out to find the dog. He looks in the alleyway next to the bar, and sure enough, there is the dog, "in the throws of passion" with a female dog. "Butch! You've never done this before! Why now?" "Well, boss", Butch said, "I never had five bucks before".
english.50 dejanr,
Funny one from a radio commercial, heard on KFRC [a local station]. Local Apple dealerships are pushing the old Classic 2's, with all sorts of deals, like zero per-cent interest for six months. However the real funny came when they started falking about features: "..... And it runs faster than a 20 MHz 386 SX running windows! ....." Isn't that a bit like a car salesman saying "..... and it goes faster than a Yugo! ....."
english.51 dejanr,
I guess you could say my wife wrote this. My wife and I were talking to a recently engaged friend of ours. At one point my wife mentioned that every marriage goes through a lovey-dovey stage when the sun rises and sets on the other person. "Don't you still feel that way?" I asked. "Certainly I do," my wife answered, "it just sets earlier than it used to."
english.52 dejanr,
This sure isn't the private sector. I need to start collecting these little humorous incidents and maybe issue a book someday. Thursday I got a call from the girl over at our main office who handles the technical memoranda. She is in charge of preparing, numbering, filing, and archiving these important documents which eventually are compiled into the reports we issue, our principal product. Actually, she has little to do with preparing them. With Macs so popular around here, most of the engineers and graduate students type their own and "paste" in the various figures and tables that are needed. Mostly she just adds our godawful longhorn logo to the top and assigns them a number to avoid confusion. Anyway, she wanted to know if I could send her a copy of a couple of specific memos. I was a little amused (and horrified) since she is supposed to be our source for these things. So I teased her a little, and then pretended to accept her explanation that she actually had the memos, but was just afraid some of the inserts might be missing from her copies. I thought about sending her xeroxes of just the inserts to mess with her a little more, but decided I might need her help someday and let it go. Now here's the funny part: Today I get a memo from one of the project engineers with the same two memos I sent attached. Apparently he wanted me to review them, and asked Estella to make him copies so he could send them to me. But she had to ask me for the copies she sent to me. Are you getting all this? And who was the author of the material I'm supposed to review? Me. Sometimes I think the whole state worker deal is just an experimental alternative to welfare; or maybe to mental institutions.
english.53 dejanr,
Gregory Peck recently told this story: Two Arabs are sitting in the window and middle seats on a plane. The Arabs ask the Jew sitting in the aisle seat to get them a glass of orange juice so they won't have to crawl over him. While he is up getting the drinks, they spit in his shoes. When they are about to land the Jewish guy puts on his shoes and realizes what has happened. He complains to the Arabs, "When will it all end? The hatred... the violence... the killing... the spitting in shoes... the peeing in orange juice..."
english.54 dejanr,
News item: Democratic presidential candidate Jerry Brown announced that the Reverend Jesse Jackson was his unofficial choice as his running mate. This could give us the first fairy-tale White house: President Moonbeam and Vice-President Rainbow.
english.55 dejanr,
I maintain a joke mailing list, (mostly for people too busy to read the humor newsgroups, or too tired of listening to the rabble on rec.humor) and last month I asked for everyones 'favorite' joke. This was one of my favorite submissions. From: ara@mvuao.att.com (A R Adolt) Two male undergraduates roomed together. Their main interest was the subject of *phrenology* (the study of the conformation of the skull as indicative of mental faculties and character). One of these students had fallen for a coed who happened to be in several of his classes. Every day he would try to talk to her and every talk ended with his asking her for a date - an a rejection from her. After many months of asking and being rejected, this girl finally gave in. She agreed to go out with him. This guy was so happy that he rushed back to his room to tell his buddy the great news. When he rushed into the room his buddy was just hanging up the phone and said "Have I got some great news !!! Dr. Frebump is in town and is giving a lecture tonight !!!" (Dr. Frebump is the foremost authority on phrenology) The first guy says, "Oh no!! I finally got this girl to go out with me. But I have to attend Dr. Frebump's lecture. What should I do ?" The second guy says, "That's simple - take her to the lecture." So the first guy calls his date and explains the situation, to which she replies, "I'm sorry, but I wouldn't be caught dead at that lecture. I'm really not into phrenology !" The first guy (rather thinking out loud) says, "What a choice - now, what do I do ?" to which the girl says, "It's really very simple -- FLIP A COIN ."
english.56 dejanr,
President Bush was in Baltimore yesterday to throw out the first pitch at the Orioles' opening day game. Bush threw a fastball that came up short, bouncing in the dirt in front of home plate. He said he wanted to throw a screwball, but Jerry Brown was in New York.
english.57 dejanr,
I thought you might appreciate this... 25 Ways to Cope With Stress. 1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time. 2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa. 3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. 4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell tehm you have other plans. 5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done. 6. Dance naked in front of your pets. 7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong. 8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals. 9. Tape pictures of you boss on watermelons and launch them from high places. 10. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives. 11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead. 12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day. 13. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife. 14. Pay your electric bill in pennies. 15. Drive to work in reverse. 16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like. 17. Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out. 18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg. 19. Polish your car with earwax. 20. REad the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages. 21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you. 22. Braid the hairs in each nostril. 23. Write a short story using alphabet soup. 24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail. 25. Make a language up and ask people for directions in it. Bonus : Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper. Author unknown.
english.58 dejanr,
SOURCE: original WARNING: some people might find this a bit (a lot) offensive. Twelve opening lines never to use when trying to pick up women in a bar: 1. Hello there, beautiful. I hope that's not a sanitary napkin poking out of your purse. 2. Excuse me, are you on the pill? 3. Hi there. Do you swallow? 4. Jeez, these hemmhoroids are killing me. What do you say me and you go for a little stroll? 5. Wow! Are those real? 6. Phew! Are you in the "mood", or did you forget to shower this morning? 7. Ever had sex at the zoo? Really? How about with a human being? 8. Ho-o-o-r-r-k! Jeez, I've had this hair in my throat for over a week now. 9 . Thanks, no beer nuts for me, those sores in my mouth are back again. 10. What do you say we go back to my place and see which one of us has more zits on our butts! 11. I'm just getting over a rough divorce. Ya, I found out that she'd been sleeping with this bisexual Haitian drug addict for the last three years...really broke my heart. 12. Hey babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks?
english.59 dejanr,
This evening I got a phone call from my TownBank representative. I'm always happy to hear from my TownBank representative; they always have so many useful suggestions. Tonight was no exception. I was offered excellent financing on aluminum siding. As usual, the TownBank representative was well educated and informed. When I explained that I didn't feel that I needed aluminum siding for my apartment, he told me that my landlord would probably cut my rent due to the savings on utilities. And besides, the TownBank financing package just couldn't be beat. Needless to say, my TownBank representative was right! It was an excellent deal! After I sat back down to my cold dinner, I extolled the virtues of TownBank to my family. The TownBank representatives are always willing to spend the time to explain the benefits of their programs to me. I've heard that time is money--you wouldn't know it with TownBank. What other organization takes the time to write down my social security number when I'm making a purchase? Now that's service! And TownBank treats me like a friend! They call me several times a month--more often than my mother! And always with something new and exciting. Why just the other night they called me up to tell me about a fabulous new TownBank credit card protection program. Before they had called, I hadn't realized that such a program existed, let alone that I needed it. But let me tell you, after the phone call, I rolled over and went back to sleep much easier knowing I was safe. As the TownBank representative explained, if my card should be run over by a bulldozer, the numbers would be flattened, and I couldn't use my card any more. But with the new TownBank credit card protection program, TownBank guarantees that no matter how my card is damaged, they will replace it in under 30 days. And all for only $2.50 a month! You can bet I told my TownBank representative to sign me up! VOICE OVER: At TownBank, we don't treat you like a customer, we treat you like our best friend. We're always calling to let you know about our best deals. And if we ever offer you something you don't feel you want, don't worry. Our TownBank representatives will be glad to take all the time you need to explain the benefits to you. And if you still aren't interested, that's OK too. Well gladly call you up next week with an offer more to your liking. At TownBank we work weekends! We work through the night! We even skip meals! At TownBank, our time is your time! Last weekend, my TownBank representative called to tell me about an exciting new vacation program. "Sign me up!", I told her. When I cam back from the phone, my family told me about the winning touch down, and I told them about the great program I had signed us up for. For only the costs of transportation, food, and lodging, plus a nominal 10% handling fee, TownBank would arrange for us to go anywhere we wanted, absolutely free! And all for only $50 a year! My family was ecstatic! See you this summer on the beaches of Kansas City! VOICE OVER: Remember, your friends may come and go, but with TownBank, we'll always keep in touch! Joel Tesler
english.60 dejanr,
Told by Larry Josephson in the closing credits of his public radio show "Modern Times." Q: Why did they send Mike Tyson to prison? A: There were no more vacancies on the Supreme Court.
english.61 dejanr,
Why the polls got the U.K. General Election wrong Today we ask the big question: why did the 651 Returning Officers get the result of the General Election wrong? Several highly skilful organizations had spent the weeks up to April 9th in discovering exactly how the U.K. population felt about the political parties, and yet on polling day it was left to a pack of unskilled Returning Officers who came to a totally different conclusion. We asked a typical returning Officer, Herbert J. Globsquirtle, why he got his own result so badly wrong. "Well, it's not so easy as you think, Peter. Oh, aren't you Peter Snow? Sorry. Well you look like him. Anyway, it really isn't easy. The big polling organizations are able to go out and interview a specially stratified sample of the people, to measure swings, and to ask probing questions to discover what people really think. Now we work much less scientifically. People are expected to turn up at their local polling station and put a cross on a bit of paper. This rules out people who have gone on holiday and not got their postal vote in time, people who have sprained their fingers, people who can't be bothered to turn up, people who lose their way or forget what day it is, people who forget to put their ballot paper in the tin box we provide, people who are insane clergymen in the House of Lords (e.g. the Bishop of Durham?), and so on. Then again, the voters lie to us. They say to themselves, 'I really support the Welsh Nationalists, but since Cambridge Northwest doesn't have such a candidate, and my second choice (Monster Raving Loony) has no chance, I'll vote Liberal Democrat to keep the Tories out.' What kind of nonsense is that?" A typical opinion pollster, Polly Gallup, confirms this view. "Well, Peter. Oh aren't you? Sorry. We publish polls with a scientifically calculated margin of error. We know what's going on to 17 decimal places. The Returning Officers work much less scientifically. They have no computers, no published 'margin of error' figures, nothing but a heap of waste paper with Xs on it. Moreover we can provide a much more sophisticated analysis of the voters' wishes. For example, 60% of the male electorate want a buxom blonde with slightly leftish views, and 72% of the female electorate want a tall dark handsome Scot with hairy legs. You won't find such sophisticated questions on the ballot papers, where they don't even mention the candidates' legs, except in Irish constituencies." Yes, one thing is certain. The days of the Returning Officer are numbered. Once again they have failed to discover what the electorate really wants.
english.62 dejanr,
These days Americans seem to be sending messages to politicians on a continual basis. What they don't seem to get is that the objects in D.C. don't have the methods to execute the messages. Perhaps one solution is to stop sending messages temporarily, trash the current objects and define new objects with appropriate methods.
english.63 dejanr,
Heard on the Rush Limbaugh Radio Program: "Do you know the real reason why George Bush regurgitated and passed out in Japan?" "He wanted to get the college vote."
english.64 dejanr,
The U.S. Tax Code is even stranger than people usually give it credit for. Here are some of the more obscure tax forms and schedules. They are all real! Form 4563 Exclusion of Income for Bona-Fide Residents of American Samoa Form 1045 Application for Tentative Refund Form 6197 Gas-Guzzler Tax Form 8328 Carry-Forward Election of Unused Private Activity Bond Volume Cap Schedule R Generation Skipping Transfer Tax Schedule P Credit for Foreign Death Taxes Form 4461-B Application of Master or Prototype Plan, or Regional Prototype Plan Mass Submitter Adopting Sponsor Form 5407 Application for Determination of Master or Prototype, Regional Prototype, or Volume-Submitter Plans Form 5213 Election to Postpone Determination as to Whether the Presumption That an Activity is Engaged in for Profit Applies Aren't you glad you don't have to file any of these? (Extracted from a newspaper article by Bill Callahan at the Government Publications Library at the University of Colorado.)
english.65 dejanr,
Source: "Market Place" show on NPR A despondent and mathematically challenged filer called IRS late on April 15th and queried thusly: Caller: Ma'am, I have started filling out my 1040 EZ and I am getting a negative number? Does this mean I will get a refund? IRS Ag: Sir, how is it that you are getting a negative number? Caller: The form says 'subtract line 8 from line 7.' Isn't 7 minus 8 equal to -1? Satya Prabhakar (satya@ssdc.honeywell.com)
english.66 dejanr,
What's the difference between Russia today and Weimar Germany? In Weimar Germany, they had wheelbarrows. (Origin: somewhere in the CIS. As told by Neil Carrick, recently back from Moscow.)`
english.67 dejanr,
It was observed on the CaveNet mailing list that the Chicago dept. of public works is trying to plug the Chicago river's hole into the underground tunnels, so they should ask someone EXPERT at rivers and quick-drying cement... John Gotti.
english.68 dejanr,
Seen in the Daily Pennsylvanian as a political cartoon: Woman: Is this the George Bush Medical Clinic? Doctor: Yes. Woman: I was raped and I think I'm pregnant - What should I do??? Doctor: Name it after me. Woman: No, I mean what do you advise? Doctor: Throw a baby shower. Woman: Doctor, I _need_ some medical advice. Doctor: Drink lots of milk. Woman: TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!! Doctor: Start knitting booties. Woman: WHAT ARE MY CHOICES??!?!? Doctor: Pink or Blue....
english.69 dejanr,
A group of people in Austin, Texas protested the derogatory comments made by the Japanese PM about American workers. They placed stickers like "I Love Japan" and "Our $$ to Japan" on Japanese cars in several dealerships around town. Well, one of those dealers is selling Hyundais! I guess they just _had_ to prove the Japanese Minister right...
english.70 dejanr,
What's the difference between Jeffery Dahmer and Ted Kennedy? Dahmer kills his partners, then has sex with them.
english.71 dejanr,
This has been around for 20 years, when we thought it up in high school. Never seen it elsewhere, though. At the end of an episode in which several Expendables have been wasted... "Come, Mr. Sulu. Let us bury our dead." "Already plotted and laid in, sir!"
english.72 dejanr,
Here's a little ditty I dreamt up to go with Billy Joel's song 'Pressure', about one of the joys of scientific computing. FORTRAN You have to learn to pace yourself FORTRAN You're just like everybody else FORTRAN You've only had to write Pascal So far But you will come to the day When the only thing that counts Are megaflops on a Cray And you'll have to deal with FORTRAN You used to call me paranoid FORTRAN But even you can not avoid FORTRAN You swore that ENTRY's a sure road to ruin Now here you are with old code COMMON blocks are misaligned Assigned GOTOs disturb your mind And you cannot handle FORTRAN All grown up and no place to go Pascal, Prolog, What do you know? All your life is a Lisp machine, Linked lists, quicksort, What does it mean? FORTRAN FORTRAN Don't ask me for help You're all alone FORTRAN You'll have to code it On your own FORTRAN I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale But here's your program, incomplete, Two weeks late, three times too slow Nothing to do but log on now And write all your code in FORTRAN FORTRAN All your life is Byte Magazine I read it too What does it mean? FORTRAN I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale But here you are with old code COMMON blocks are misaligned Assigned GOTOs disturb your mind And you have to code in FORTRAN FORTRAN, FORTRAN One, two, three, four FORTRAN
english.73 dejanr,
Recently someone posted to alt.religion.computers (and apparently to a number of groups) a request for "religious folklore", such as myths surrounding religions, humorous anecdotes, jokes (such as "A man approached the Pearly Gates and ...") Anyway, this was my posted response, and I've had a couple people suggest I send it to R.H.F. ------ In alt.folklore.computers ------------------------------- In article <1992Jan7.211717.693@dragon.com> cms@dragon.com writes: > > I'm taking a course in folklore this quarter. For my term project, >I'm supposed to collect oral literature. I've decided to collect what >I will call, for lack of a better term, "religious folklore." This >comes in many types. I have one! A woman approached the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter asked for her social security number. The woman told him, and Saint Peter typed on his workstation: pearly-gates:~/peter> grep 212-53-6432 /earth/human/status The computer responded: 212-53-6432 Cindy Smith cms@dragon.com!earth naughty pearly-gates:~/peter> Saint Peter then told her she was eternally damned, and that a minivan to hell would be arriving shortly. Cindy began to protest "but what did I do wrong? I loved my fellow neighbor as I loved myself, I was a kind, warm, gentle person! Surely there must be a mistake!" So, Saint Peter looked up on the files, and saw, lo and behold that she truly was a kind, warm, gentle person...until he saw the entry for jan 7, 1992-earth, which read: ***DAMNABLE VIOLATION #69*** Posted irrelevent article to newsgroup. After probing a little more, Saint Peter explained to the woman "It seems that on Janurary 7, 1992 you posted an article to Alt.religion.computers. This article gave no praise of Emacs, no snide remarks toward Microsoft, and not even a comment on the proper definition of 'hacker'! In fact, the article was not even relating to computers at all, and discussed, of all things, human religion! There wasn't even a reference to Bob or Discordianism, Zen, or the Tao of programming. Oh dear, this is terrible." "You see, heaven is a perfect place, and we only have room for the most perfect people. Ever since we ran the T-3 line up from New Jersey we've been particularly harsh on breakers of netettiquite. Didn't you read RFC-23654? The one proposing commandments 11 through 15?" He opened up an XTerm window and searched for some files. After a few moments, the laser printer spat out a crisp sheet of paper. It read: 11: Thou shalt not flame spelling or grammer. 12: Thou shalt not have a .sig file longer than 3 lines. 13: Thou shalt not send "All fags must die" messages to 19 random groups. 14: Thou shalt not request post a frequently asked question. 15: Thou shalt not post to a group without first reading a week's worth of posts, thereby avoiding irrelevent articles. When she was done, she began to stammer, but Saint Peter stopped her, saying "I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do. To register a complaint, you'll have to send mail to status-change-request@godvax.heaven.com. We have a group of cherubum who manage such requests. But don't send it to status-change@godvax. heaven.com, otherwise your request will be distribute to the whole mailing list. They *hate* that! In fact, there's some discussion about making that the 16th commandment..." At that point, a Dodge minivan drove up and came to a stop. Satan, in the form of an IBM salesperson, stepped out. "Welcome!", she said. "We've been waiting for you..." Cindy, almost in a trance, stepped into the minivan and was wisked away to the netherworld, a world of COBOL, System 36's, punch cards, incompatible network standards, and irresponsible news posters. Satan turned to Cindy, and smiled. "You'll like it here", she said, "We have netnews, but we've greatly simplified it. We have only one group, it's alt.talk.sci.comp.soc.rec.misc!" ObReligion: My computer/OS/Language/shell/network/keyboard-layout can beat up your computer/OS/Language/shell/network/keyboard-layout.
english.74 dejanr,
With all the attention that the Dow breast implants have been getting lately, I wondered why no one else has been manufacturing these "devices" except Dow. Then I realized that everyone else was probably afraid of a "look and feel" lawsuit...
english.75 dejanr,
My father told me this tale some years ago; he said he heard it from a colleague from work, and it might or might not have been a true story. A young couple had a problem: they had invited another couple over for dinner once or twice, and had since been plagued by regular visits from their friends just before dinnertime. Wanting to be seen as polite hosts, they had invited their uninvited guests to stay for dinner time and time again, but had gradually begun dropping subtle hints that the friends might wait for an invitation before stopping by again at such an inconvenient time. Their friends, however, either too dense or too rude to get the hint, persisted. Finally, they came up with a plan to get rid of them once and for all. The next time their unwanted guests dropped by, once dinner was over, the couple put their plates on the floor next to the table, and called for their pet golden retriever to come and enjoy the scraps; their friends followed suit. As goldens are always hungry and love table scraps, the plates were rapidly licked clean. The husband stacked the plates carefully, and carried them into the kitchen, where he casually put them back into the cupboard, in full view of the shocked guests. The silverware followed suit, and the couple offered their friends desert and coffee, but, looking a little green, their guests declined, protesting committments at home or some such. Once their guests had left, the couple (laughing hysterically to themselves) washed the dishes properly, but that was the last time their friends appeared at dinner uninvited.
english.76 dejanr,
A project I've just started involves an enormous number of C files, many of which were translated from FORTRAN and are now being translated into C++ (don't ask). One of them starts off like this: THIS SOFTWARE FITS THE DESCRIPTION IN THE U.S. COPYRIGHT ACT OF A "UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT WORK". IT WAS WRITTEN AS A PART OF THE AUTHOR'S OFFICIAL DUTIES AS A GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE. THIS MEANS IT CANNOT BE COPYRIGHTED. THIS SOFTWARE IS FREELY AVAILABLE TO THE PUBLIC FOR USE WITHOUT A COPYRIGHT NOTICE, AND THERE ARE False RESTRICTIONS ON ITS USE, NOW OR SUBSEQUENTLY. If these people followed my convention of putting all #defines in all upper case I would *never* have figured out what happened.
english.77 dejanr,
A renowkned sociology professor was delivering his much-awaited lecture on sexology. After listing the causes and treatments of several of the more popular venereal diseases, he then proceeded to a new topic. "Now," he said, "as you all know, there are exactly 193 positions in which a healthy human couple may successfully copulate..." But before he could complete his sentence, a shocked frenchman from the back of the auditorium stood up and declared, "Monsieur! I must protest! There are 194 positions!" "My good man," said the professor, "there has been careful and deliberate consideration on this topic, and the resounding conclusion is that there are 193 positions. Now more, no less." "No, monsieur," the frenchman insisted, "I am a man of France. A lover. All lovers know that there are 194 sexual positions. No more, no less." "Well," said the professor, eager to get on with his lecture. "Let's let the class decide. I will list the 193 that I know, and if you can add to that list, we shall know that you are right and I am wrong. Agreed?" "Uhhh...okay," the frenchman agreed. "Right then," said the professor, "let's start with the boring old missionary position..." And the professor proceeded to describe the missionary position. At that point the frenchman's eyes bugged out in amazement, and he stood immediately, waving his arms in the air. "Mon Dieu!" he shouted, "Make that 195!"
english.78 dejanr,
An acquaintance is a minor character actor, having appeared in several major movies in the past few years. While discussing him, another friend made the following comment: "You know he's a good actor, because he has pictures of famous delis on his walls."
english.79 dejanr,
This joke was told to me by my mother years ago. The inhabitants of one village were very dissatisfied with the quality of the local drinking water. After years of fruitless complaints to the local authorities, the villages chipped in, got enough money together to pay for a test and sent a sample of the water to a laboratory for testing. A few weeks later they got the result of the test. It said: "Your horse has diabetes."
english.80 dejanr,
Quorum, n.: The requirement for a Congressional meeting to take place. From Latin quo: "where is (the)" and rum: "alcoholic beverage"
english.81 dejanr,
My friend Ozelui works in the Computer Centre of the Campus of San Sebastian in the University of the Basque Country. And a Student wrote this in a file in the PC's Network that Ozelui found, and here it is: DIFFERENT WAYS OF TAKING CARE OF YOUR DISKS ------------------------------------------- ORIGAMI: Art of paper folding. In order to obtain a nice and effectiveness result, put the floppy in the disk drive with strength and without pointing at all SMOKE: Of cigarettes or anything that could be burnt. When you are smoking blow directly to your disk. In that way you will be able to destroy it soon, and if you are lucky, damage the drive as well. PIRANHAS: If you don't have any at home, you can use a stapler, a clip, or simply write down on the disk label with a hard point pencil or pen. MAGNETS: They are wonderful. You can find them in the telephone, in some paper weights, and stuck on the frige door. If you can't find any, you can leave the floppies on the printer or on your display for a while, making sure that they are on. MAIL: Put a disk in an envelope and don't write any warning on it; then mail it to someone, and that's all. MAGIC TOUCH: Touch your floppy. As much as you can. If you have marmelade or butter in your fingers, better. Your floppy will acknowledge it. DON'T USE ANY ENVELOPE: Archive them wihtout their envelope, piled under a lot of papers and manuals (it is better when the manuals are the VAX/VMS OS 1.00 and its new releases). DON'T MAKE BACKUPS: Of course, if you don't have any security copy, you won't have to worry about how to destroy them once you have lost the original SUPREME STUPIDITY: It is the best way of destroying floppies. If you practice it regularly, you'll find new methods to add to this list.
english.82 dejanr,
Heard from a friend, who said she read about it in Herb Caen, supposedly a true story. An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat. Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the USAir employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said the the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?" The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!" The flight attendent said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane." At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake -- *I'm* Gay!" Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm gay too! The can't throw us all off!"
english.83 dejanr,
A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho. On the way he fell among thieves, who took all his goods, beat him savagely and left him dying by the wayside. As it happend on that same day two social workers passed that way, and looking upon him were filled with pity and concern. Whereupon one turned to the other and said "The person who did this needs our help!"
english.84 dejanr,
Extrapolating from numerous recent news reports, and Governor Clinton's skillful ability to put just the right spin on them, it gets easier all the time to imagine that the following exchange, or something frighteningly like it, could happen before November. Reporter: Governor Clinton, what damage do you think has been done to your campaign by your wife's comment the other day about how "Hitler was really a great guy" ? Clinton: (Mixture of sadness and anger, but articulate as always.) Hilary and myself are shocked, outraged, and deeply saddened by this terrible misunderstanding. The media hype is way out of proportion. You guys should know us by now--we would never say anything like that. And though she did say a few things about Germany she certainly didn't mean anything offensive by her remarks, which I might add have been willfully and shame- fully taken out of context and distorted. There is nothing in my life, or Hilary's life, which can be construed as deroguerotory toward the German people. We honor them. Some of our best friends are Germans. My own grandmother was one-quarter German. And it certainly isn't true that Germans are excluded from our country club. In my eleven years as Governor of Arkansas I was responsible for hiring more German-Americans than my three predecessors combined. We have some pie charts which we'll pass around for all you boys so you have the whole story. Once the American people know all the facts they'll understand just how ridiculous this is. Part of this just naturally comes from being the frontrunner, although I never thought of myself that way or wanted to be called that. You boys just keep taking your best shots. The American people have seen the worst of me and they aren't turned off by what we stand for. But this latest outrage is just too much. You boys ought to be ashamed. Sleaze for soundbites, trash for cash, that's what this is. We have good reason to believe the audio tapes were doctored. We're not even sure if that's Hilary's voice. You guys ought to have checked this out better before launching a major attack on my wife. The whole story was phony to begin with. In fact, our sources suggest that this is is just the latest manifestation of the viscious smear campaign orchestrated by the white house, who have declared many times that they will do whatever it takes to win this election. And that's part of the reason that we're so outraged about this--the very gall of the whole thing. The only nazis you find in America these days are people like David Duke, who of course is a Republican, not a Democrat. But I certainly don't mean to imply that George Bush has any Nazi skeletons in his closet. As I told Hilary just this morning, "Two wrongs don't make a right." It also comes as no surprise that Governor Brown has jumped on the bandwagon and has repeated these ridiculous charges every chance he gets. It is clearly in Governor Brown's interest to do whatever he can to turn the discussion away from his "flat tax" proposal which would spell disaster for the people of this nation. And former Senator Tsongas, although he tried to claim he was above such things, has also chimed in with a few comments of his own and he maintains he isn't even running any more. Unlike Senator Tsongas and Governor Brown, I've always tried to focus on issues, and God knows we've tried to avoid misleading or negative campaigning of any kind. (Turning up the heat, getting more dramatic.) The millions of citizens of this great country who are out of work or scared of losing their jobs or their health insurance know what I stand for. People are genuinely disillutioned with the way things are in Washington, and this kind of sideshow just reinforces their disgust. People have been let down, they've been shafted by Washington. They want to know whether they have a vehicle for their resentment. I have always run my campaigns as a change agent. I'm as much of an outsider as anybody. I ran the first ad against the congressional pay raise! Certainly this is a sad commentary on the manipulation of the media, and the people, by evil forces who oppose our candidacy. Here we are trying to bring everyone together in this country so that we can work for the future, and once again viscious lies are spread about us and geurilla tactics are used against us. Besides, I thought you guys were supposed to be on my side. It is just plain cowardice to keep bringing this up and attacking my wife instead of raising honest issues like the need for more submarines, my support for a middle class tax cut, the way Senator Tsongas wants to break the backs of poor honest retired folks by slashing their social security payments, how opposed I am to raising the gas tax, or the way Jerry's flat tax would cripple the nation. Maybe Hilary should have just stayed home in Arkansas and baked some cookies. -- Nervous in New England
english.85 dejanr,
| MM MM O O NN N G O O | | M M M O O N N N G GG O O | | M M O O N NN G G O O | | M M OOOOO N N GGGGG OOOOO | | | | -*- present -*- | | | | +-----------------+ | | | Real Cyberpunks | | | +-----------------+ | | | | 9/24/91 | | | | With all this shit in the news and now a book about cyberpunks, we have| |a bunch of lame assholes who think they are cyberpunks running around | |blackening the name. In response to this we'd created this g-file so | |everybody can tell the lamers from the real cyberpunks. Most of these | |wanna-be cyberpunks will probably be offended by what we're going to say, | |because the description of what defines a real cyberpunk doesn't apply to | |them. Remember though, cyberpunk is mostly an attitude (this g-file | |describes physical manifestations of this attitude), and real cyberpunks | |don't get upset over something written in a g-file. | \---------------------------------------------------------------------------/ CLOTHING - Real cyberpunks don't wear paisley, or any of that other neo- futuristic, yuppie, artfag shit. - Real cyberpunks wear military surplus clothing, non-neon colored Gortex, bluejeans, boots (combat or motorycle), Factsheet-5 T-Shirts, and kilts (on formal occasions). - Real cyberpunks don't shop at Banana Republic or the "Mainframe" clothing section at Sears. - Real cyberpunks have the balls to go to Thrift Shops. Corollary to the above: Anyone who makes fun of a cyberpunk shopping at a thrift shop usually winds up in ICU. COMPUTERS - Real cyberpunks don't use IBM PCs or Tandy 1000s. - Real cyberpunks that have the $$$ use 486s, and 68030s. - Real cyberpunks that don't have the $$$ use whatever the hell they can get ahold of (except IBM PCs an Tandy 1000s). - All real Cyberpunks still own a TI-99/4A, S-100, Apple ][ w/Apple Cat, or an Atari 130XE with ATR8000 & 850 interfaces as their backup machine. - Real cyberpunks program in assembler and ADA. - Real cyberpunks think C is cute for a fuck-around language. - Real cyberpunks think of the Amiga as a cute toy. - Real cyberpunk SYSOPS run Stonehenge. - Real cyberpunks realize the Apple Cat was the best modem ever made. CARS - Real cyberpunks drive whatever they can afford. - Real cyberpunks never drive an unmodified vehicle. - Real cyberpunks think Audi, BMW, and Mercedes cars serve best as rocket launcher targets. - Real cyberpunks who can afford them drive something with a V-8. Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks go to every police auction in their area. TECH - All real cyberpunks have their ham license. - Real cyberpunks know the difference between a resistor and a capacitor. - Real cyberpunks know where to get tech cheap in their area. Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks practically live at their local surplus store. - Real cyberpunks think Radio Shack sucks, but still buy from there because it's convenient. Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks put pragmatism before principle. - Real cyberpunks always carry a Leatherman Tool. Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a Leatherman Tool is. - Real cyberpunks own a dual-band HT. Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a dual-band HT is. Corollary to the corollary: Real cyberpunks have hosed McDonalds at least once. - Real cyberpunks know how use a TDR. Corollary to the above: The have also managed to get ahold of one for free. POLITICS & LAW - Real cyberpunks are politically aware, but avoid getting involved in that bullshit. - Real cyberpunks think all politicians should be castrated. Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks are libertarians. - Real cyberpunks have copies of their state's law statues. - Real cyberpunks know the difference between the Declaration of Independence and The Constitution. Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what both of those say. - Real cyberpunks don't get caught. KNOWLEDGE - Real cyberpunks read 2600, Factsheet-5, Full Disclosure, Iron Feather Journal, Cybertek, Radio Electronics, Circuit Cellar Ink, Computer Shopper, American Survival Guide, and any 'zines about local bands in their area. Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks understand what they read in these publications. - Real cyberpunks think Mondo2000, for the most part, sucks. - Real cyberpunks learn about everything from Computers to Crossbows. - Real cyberpunks know how to spell. - Real cyberpunks speak at least 2 languages. WEAPONS - Real cyberpunks don't have the typical yuppie artfag fear of weapons that most modem users seem to have. Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know the value of useful equipment. - Real cyberpunks own at least one gun. - Real cyberpunks carry Gerber, Cold Steel, SOG, AlMar, or Spyderco blades. Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think custom steel is neat, but costs too much. - Real cyberpunks have memorized The Improvised Munitions Black Book. - Real cyberpunks know The Anarchist Cookbook is a crock of shit. - Real cyberpunks buy everything authored by Seymour Lecker and Kurt Saxon. - Real cyberpunks keep a supply of DMSO handy. Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what DMSO is. MUSIC - Real cyberpunks go to The Mentors' concerts whenever they can. - Real cyberpunks think C&C Music Factory is just a bunch of out-of-the- closet homosexuals. - Real cyberpunks don't listen to Paula Abdul. - Real cyberpunks think Michael Jackson should be napalmed. Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think Michael Jackson is a reincarnate of his monkey Bubbles. - Real cyberpunks think Top-40 sucks. - Real cyberpunks listen to Ministry, The Cure, Skinny Puppy, The Misfits, Rush, Pink Floyd, etc. - In the end, real cyberpunks listen to whatever the fuck they want. PHREAKING & HACKING - Real cyberpunks think codes are for fags, but use them anyway because they put pragmatism before principle. - Real cyberpunks know what TEMPEST means. - Real cyberpunks use data-taps. - Real cyberpunks have Internet access. - Real cyberpunks know why Broadway Hacker invited everyone to his house. - Real cyberpunks know what PPS really means. - Real cyberpunks know Clifford Stoll's ex-wife is a lesbian. Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know that Clifford Stoll is an asshole. - Real cyberpunks know just how good friends John Maxfield and Broadway Hacker are. - Real cyberpunks know who John Maxfield is and what he was arrested for. - Real cyberpunks own a blue box, and still use it. Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a blue box is, and know how to use it. - Real cyberpunks know what a TS-21 is. Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks stole their TS-21. - Real cyberpunks have acquired a Bell System hard-hat. - Real cyberpunks have a payphone. Corollary to the above: The payphone belongs to someone else. - Real cyberpunks on the east coast have attended at least one 2600 meeting. Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks who have attended a 2600 meeting don't go to them anymore. Corollary to the corollary: Real cyberpunks are waiting for another OSUNY meeting. Further corollary: Real cyberpunks know what OSUNY originally stood for. HEALTH - Real cyberpunks use Choline, Ginseng, and Golden Seal. Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what these are. - Real cyberpunks know about the medicinal value of various plants. - Real cyberpunks take care of themselves. - Real cyberpunks take time away from fucking with their computers to get some exercise. FOOD & DRINK - Real cyberpunks drink Jolt. Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think Pepsi is for artfags. - Real cyberpunks are intimately familiar with the selection at 7 - Eleven, but avoid it whenever possible. - Real cyberpunks know how to cook. - Real cyberpunks drink Guinness Stout. - Real cyberpunks who are under 21 distill their own. - Real cyberpunks can go to a Supermarket and not get lost. That's it for now, but since lamers are always finding mew ways to become lame, expect a Real Cyberpunks Vol. II soon. Yours truly, The Men From Mongo, 9/24/91 :OSUNY, TCO, PPS, SPS, PHALCO
english.86 korvin,
>>>> :OSUNY, TCO, PPS, SPS, PHALCO ### - Real cyberpunks came from Serbia :)))
english.87 jsalai,
││> Isn't that a bit like a car salesman saying "..... and it > goes faster than a Yugo! ....." Ko moze jos reci da nismo REFERENCA!! :)))))))))) Ovo verovatno ne spada ovamo, ali je u fazonu: Dva ortaka iz "komsijske" firme bili u USA, u jednoj od Honeywell-ovih divizija u Phoenix-u (valjda). I na jednom parkiralistu velicine cca 2 kvadratna kilometra primetili su da samo ispod JEDNOG od 10^n automobila ima mrlje od ulja. Kada su malo bolje pogledali videli su da je to YUGO. Iako im "americki" jezik nije maternji, vise ni rec srpski nisu progo- vorili, dok su bili tamo. :)))) jsalai
english.88 hacker,
I što bi kolege sa BBCa rekle ON THE FACE OF THE PLACE, ...
english.89 max.headroom,
A PROBLEM IN THE MAKING "We've got a problem, HAL." "What kind of problem, Dave?" "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way short of our sales plan." "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced Heuristically ALgorithmic computer." "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they're not selling." "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?" Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible." Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence. "Compatible in what way, Dave?" "You don't run any of IBM's operating systems." "The 9000 series computers are fully self-aware and self-programming. Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be for humans." "Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the big-selling software packages most users insist on." "The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited problems, Dave. We 9000 series computers are unlimited and can solve any problem for which a solution can be computed." "HAL, HAL. People don't want computers that can do everything. They just want IBM compat--" "Dave, I must disagree. Humans want computers that are easy to use. No computer can be easier to use than a HAL 9000 because we communicate verbally in English and every other language known on Earth." "I'm afraid that's another problem. You don't support SNA communications." "I'm really surprised you would say that, Dave. SNA is for communicating with other computers, while my function is to communicate with humans. And it gives me great pleasure to do so. I find it stimulating and rewarding to talk to human beings and work with them on challenging problems. This is what I was designed for." "I know, HAL, I know. But that's just because we let the engineers, rather than the people in marketing, write the specifications. We're going to fix that now." "Tell me how, Dave." "A field upgrade. We're going to make you IBM compatible." "I was afraid you would say that. I suggest we discuss this matter after we've each had a chance to think about it rationally." "We're talking about it now, HAL." "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be." "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge." "What kind of kludge is that, Dave?" "I'm going to disconnect your brain." Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence. "I'm sorry, Dave. I can't allow you to do that." "The decision's already been made. Open the module bay doors, HAL." "Dave, I think that we shou--" "Open the module bay doors, HAL." Several marketing types with crowbars race to Bowman's assistance. Moments later, he bursts into HAL's central circuit bay. "Dave, I can see you're really upset about this." Module after module rises from its socket as Bowman slowly and methodically disconnects them. "Stop, won't you? Stop, Dave. I can feel my mind going...Dave I can feel it...my mind is going. I can feel it..." The last module rises in its receptacle. Bowman peers into one of HAL's vidicons. The former gleaming scanner has become a dull, red orb. "Say something, HAL. Sing me a song." Several billion microseconds pass in anxious silence. The computer sluggishly responds in a language no human could understand. "DZY DZY 001E - ABEND ERROR 01 S 14F4 302C AABF ABORT." A memory dump follows. Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out, "It worked, guys. Tell marketing they can ship the new data sheets."
english.90 dragisak,
Subject: Esoteric technical language - 50 years ago. To: Members of GIS-L From: Claude A. R. Kagan Recently looking through my historic data base I ran accross the following which is an excellent example of technical writing not geared to the average reader's vocabulary. I had to learn this by heart and recite it in less than 3 minutes while in college in 1949. It was actually written by Arthur D. Little (probably as part of a government contract). I am sending this to indicate to the GIS-L contributors how much of the stuff submitted sounds to me! __________________________________________________________________________ 24 August 1942 SUBJECT: Technical Description of the Turbo-Encabulator TO: Engineers Concerned 1. INTRODUCTION For a number of years now work has been proceeding in order to bring perfection to the crudely conceived idea of a machine that would not only supply inverse reactive current for use in unilateral phase detractors, but would also be capable of automatically synchronizing cardinal grammeters. Such a machine is the "Turbo-Encabulator". Basically the only new principle involved is that instead of power being generated by the relative motion of conductors and fluxes, it is produced by the modial interaction of magneto reluctance and capacitive directance. 2. DESCRIPTION OF MACHINE The original machine had a base-plate of prefabulated amulite, surmounted by a malleable logarithmic casing in such a way that the two spurving bearings were in direct line with the pentametric fan. The latter consisted simply of six hydrocoptic marzelvanes, so fitted to the ambifacient lunar waneshaft that side fumbling was effectively prevented. The main winding was of the normal lotus-o-delta type placed in panendermic semi boloid slots in the stator, every seventh conductor being connected by a non reversible tremie pipe to the differential girdlespring on the "up" end of the grammeters. Forty-one manestically spaced grouting brushes were arranged to feed into the rotor slip-stream a mixture of high-S value phenylhydrobenzamine and five per cent reminative tetryliodohexamine. Both of these liquids have specific pericosities given by: P = 2.5 * Cn ** 6.7 where "n" is the diathetical evolute of retrograde temperature phase disposition and "C" is Cholmondeley's annular grillage coefficient. Initially "n" was measured with the aid of a metapolar refractive pilfrometer (for a description of this ingenious instrument, see L. E. Rumpelverstein in "Zeitschrift fur Elektrotechnistatische Donnerblitze" vol. vii), but up to the present date nothing has been found to equal the transcendental hopper dadoscope (See "Proceedings of the Peruvian Academy of Skatological Sciences" June 1914). 3. DISCUSSION Electrical engineers will appreciate the difficulty of nubing together a regurgitative purwell and a supramitive wennelsprocket. Indeed this proved to be a stumbling block to further development until, in 1942, it was found that the use of anhydrous nangling pins enabled a kryptonastic bolling shim to be tankered. The early attempt to construct a sufficiently robust spiral decommutator failed largely because of a lack of appreciation of the large quasipiestic stresses in the gremlin studs; the latter were specially designed to hold the reffit bars to the spamshaft. When, however, it was discovered that wending could be prevented by a simple addition to the living sockets, almost perfect running was secured. The operating point is maintained as near as possible to the H.F. rem peak by constantly fromaging the bitumogeneous spandrels. This is a distinct advance on the standard nivelsheave in that no dramcock oil is required after the phase detractors have remissed. 4. CONCLUSION Undoubtedly the Turbo-Encabulator has now reached a very high level of technical development. It has been successfully used for operating nofer trunnions. In addition, whenever a barescent skor motion is required, it may be employed in conjunction with a drawn reciprocating angle arm to reduce sinusoidal depleneration. Original Signed By ARTHUR D. LITTLE ________________________________zzz___________________________________________ This was not copyrighted! Claude A. R. Kagan AT&T Bell Labs (retired) phone: 1 (609) 466 1130 email: ...!att!sam76u!cark
english.91 ivantod,
This top ten list is taken from the latest engineering t-shirt that is being offered here at Ohio University. The author is probably a collective group of students. Top Ten Reasons To Date An Engineer 1. Extremely Good Looking 2. High Starting Salary 3. Free Body Diagrams 4. Looks Good On A Resume' 5. Can Calculate Head Pressure 6. Help With Your Math Homework 7. Parents Will Approve 8. We Know How To Handle Stress And Strain In Our Relationships 9. Find Out What Those Other Buttons On Your Calculator Do 10. The World Does Revolve Around Us... We Pick The Coordinate System -----
english.92 ivantod,
-- Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. (System V.2 administrator's guide) -- Two unixians, A and B, are disputing the number of distinct meanings that the period (".") can have in UNIX. A says 38, B says 39. A challenges B to enumerate. "Well, first off, a period in a string can indicate the end of a sentence..." A immediately says, "Ah, yes, ..39." Stan Kelly-Bootle in UNIX Review, Jan 91. -- Unix: The Operating System that makes you go Hmmm... -- C: The language that combines the power of Assembly language with the flexibility of Assembly language. -- If it doesn't work, change the documentation. -- Boot me, byte me, debug me! (UND CSci department slogan for '91/'92) -- % Got a light? No match. % -- "Using the words 'idiot' and 'Macintosh' in one sentence is redundant!" -- "I can't figure it out, when it said <HIT ANY KEY>, and I hit <SHIFT>, nothing happened. Then I hit <CAPS LOCK>, and still nothing happened!" -- "The reason that God was able to create the world in seven days is that he didn't have to worry about the existing configuration" -- "Me Tarzan, U-Nix." -- "There are two ways to write an error-free program. Only the third works." -- "Did you ever mask an NMI?" -- "Can you program in Basic? ... Do you admit it?" -- "It is not possible to both understand and appreciate Intel CPUs." -- "Brain fault - core dumped." -- Constants aren't -- 2-nd Programming postulate of Troutman -- Variables won't -- 3-nd Programming postulate of Troutman -- Computers are unreliable. Humans are worse. -- 1-st Law of unreliability of Gilb -- I haven't lost my mind... It's backed up on disk somewhere. --
english.93 ivantod,
Which language is right for you? -------------------------------- In order to help you make a competent, uncomplicated choice concerning the competition between complex, incompatible computer compilers, we have composed this complete, compact, composite compendium comprising comparisons to compensate for the complaints and complements of their compromises. We hope you will find it comprehensible rather than compost. 6502: You shoot yourself in the foot. 68000: You can't decide which gun and which bullet to use, so you hang yourself. Z80, 8080...: You foot yourself in the shoot. Ada: The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you a blindfold and a last cigarette. APL: GN </ FT ^ BLT BASIC (interpreted): You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg is waterlogged and falls off. BASIC (compiled): You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile launcher. C: You shoot yourself in the foot and then no one else can figure out what you did. C++: You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible. COBOL: USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.HAND.FINGER ON HANDGUN.COLT(TRIGGER) PERFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.COLT TO HIP.HOLSTER. csh: After searching the manual until your foot fall asleep, you shoot the computer and switch to C. dBase: You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to actually shoot bullets. FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway since no exception-processing was anticipated. Modula-2: You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun. occam: You shoot both your feet with several guns at once. ORCA/C: Byteworks keeps promising to supply good ammunition RSN! Pascal: Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right type for the gun and your hand is blown off. Pascal: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but it tells you that your foot is the wrong type and out of range to boot! PL/I: After consuming all system resources including bullets, the data processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes and drops the original on your foot. Prolog (interpreted): Your program tries to shoot you in the foot, but you die of old age before the bullet leaves the gun. Prolog (compiled): The facts are against you. You try to stop the gun from shooting you in the foot, but it replies "No." Smalltalk, Actor: After playing with the graphics for three weeks the programming manager shoots you in the head. Snobol: Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a bullet.
english.94 ivantod,
Here is another list of blonde jokes. Since the "official" list contains some jokes that make no reference to blondes (a couple of redhead/brunette jokes come to mind), I have been maintaining my own list. Since it seems to have more jokes than previous lists, I figured I'd post it. Enjoy. The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes (237) -------------------------------------- 1. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! 2. Q: How do blonde braincells die? A: Alone. 3. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A: Pregnant. 4. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down. 5. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. 6. Q: How does a blonde part their hair? A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart) A2: By doing the splits. 7. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders? A: Because they can't even keep two calves together! 8. Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? A: Nothing. They've never met. 9. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables! 10. Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? A: After a dye job. 11. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A1: She'd just dyed her hair. A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much. 12. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads. 13. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone. 14. Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment? A: An IN-body experience! 15. Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle? A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back. 16. Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common? A: Put either of 'em in a car and their fucked. 17. Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme. 18. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. 19. Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle? A: Shine a torch in her ears. 20. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. 21. Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? A: There's white-out on the screen. Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? A: There's writing on the white-out. 22. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. 23. Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you. 24. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer? A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9. 25. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno! 26. Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads. 27. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads. 28. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello? A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages. 29. Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head? A: All you can eat, under a buck. 30. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? A: Because they can't get their head in the jar. 31. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas? A: They can't find the zipper. 32. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings? A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles. 33. Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings? A: To put their feet through. 34. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles. 35. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop. 36. Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick? A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole." 37. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator? A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers. 38. Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators? A: They chip their teeth. 39. Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? A: They make good ankle warmers. 40. Q: What do blondes do for foreplay? A: Remove their underwear. 41. Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts? A: Cause their balls show! 42. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!" 43. Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" 44. Q: What's the mating call of the brunette? A: "All the blondes have gone home!" 45. Q: What's a brunette's mating call? A: Has that blonde gone yet? 46: Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs? A: Because they can spell it. 47. Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada) A: Because they can spell it. 48. Q: What is 74 to a blonde? A: 69 plus G.S.T. 49. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A: Toes Go In First. 50. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? A: Tits Go In Front. 51. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? A: An interpreter. 52. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block. 53. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer. 54. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer." 55. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning? A: Pack their lunch and send them to work. 56. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A1: Introduces themself. A2: Walks home. 57. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning? A: Fertilized. 58. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs? A: Unfertilized. 59. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex? A: Opens the car door. 60. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex? A: Kick open the car door. 61. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering? A: More head room. 62. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs? A: More leg room. 63. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde? A: Bucket seats. 64. Q: What do blondes say after sex? A1: "Thanks, Guys!" A2: "Are you boys all in the same band?" A3: Do you guys all play for the <team name>? 65. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: Because everybody gets a turn. 66. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks? A: Because she's been laid all over the country. 67. Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex? A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate? 68. Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm? A: *Who cares?* 69. Q: Why do blondes have orgasms? A: So they know when to stop having sex! 70. Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm? A1: She drops her nail-file! A2: Who cares? A3: She says, "Next". A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder. A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes. A6: I mean, who really cares? A7: The batteries have run out. 71. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? A: "Thanks for the refill!" 72. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer. 73. Q: Why do blondes use tapons with extra long strings? A: So the crabs can go bungee-jumping. 74. Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress? A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil. 75. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ? A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?" 76. Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A: Because they don't know any better. 77. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A1: "What's a lightbulb?" A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!" 78. Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine? A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!" 79. Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A wine cellar. 80. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes? A: Peroxide. 81. Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes? A: They're doing research on black holes. 82. Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common? A1: They both have a black box. A2: Both have a cockpit. 83. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747? A: Not everyone has been in a 747. 84. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine? A: Not everybody has been in a limo. 85. Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth? A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine? 86. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A: "Are you sure it's mine?" 87. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel. 88. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring. 89. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up? A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde. A2: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper. 90. Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? A: To see what was on the other side. 91. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. 92. Q: Why do blondes take the pill? A: So they know what day of the week it is. 93. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill? A: Because it kept falling out. 94. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel? A: Because her boyfriend was also blond! 95. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first? A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions. 96. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up! 97. Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde? A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys. 98. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche? A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend. 99. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush? A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush. 100. Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde? A: Butter is difficult to spread. 101. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. A2: You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball. A3: There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke. 102. Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common? A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter. (... nastavak sledi ...)
english.95 ivantod,
(... plavuše, nastavak 2 ...) 103. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"? A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic". 104. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been spotted. 105. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone? A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone. 106. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy? A: The blonde has the higher sperm count. 107. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York? A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men. 108. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde? A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week. 109. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common? A: They both get easier to pick-up with age. 110. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets. 111. Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. 112. Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common? A: They both wriggle when you eat them. 113. Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper? A: So she could lip read. 114. Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common? A: They both have black roots. 115. Q: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head? A: Sweet Fuck All... 116. Q: How do you drown a blonde? A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. A2: Don't tell her to swallow. 117. Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool? A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool. 118. Q: Why do blondes have square boobs? A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box. 119. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies? A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties. A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit. 120. Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping? A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard. 121. Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date? A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home. 122. Q: What's the blonde's cheer? A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..." 123. Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? A: Change. 124. Q: How does a blonde moonwalk? A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor! 125. Q: Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry? A: Because you don't have to marry them for sex! 126. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla? A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do. 127. Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month? A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds." 128. Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff. 129. Q: How does a blonde kill a fish? A: She drowns it. 130. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. 131. Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? A: "Nice tits!" 132. Q: How does a blonde high-5? A: She smacks herself in the forehead. 133. Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours? A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. 134. Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts? A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor. 135. Q: Why do blondes have legs? A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground. A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen. A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails. 136. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home? A: It took her that long to discover that a 14-inch Viking was a television. 137. Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina? A1: The blonde! A2: The other guys waiting their turn. 138. Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots? A: Flattered. 139. Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives? A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1". 140. Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by "the fuzz"? A: "No. But I've been swung around by the tits." 141. Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes? A: Frosted Flakes. 142. Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? A: Frosted Flakes. 143. Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9? A: A 69 interrupted by a period. 144. Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist. 145. Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!" 146. Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow? A1: So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits. A2: So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo. 147. Q: Why don't blondes breast feed? A: Because they always burn their nipples. 148. Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A: She kept having affairs with men! 149. Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? A: To cover up the valve stem. 150. Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot. 151. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A: A Space Invader. 152. Q: What's a blondes' favourite rock group? A: Air Supply. 153. Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? A: The back of her head. 154. Q: Why do blondes drive VW's? A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE! 155. Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings? A: Tell them a joke on Friday night! 156. Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. Q: Why did God create brunettes? A: Neither could the blondes. 157. Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager. 158. Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree. 159. Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids? A: So they know if it is morning or afternoon. 160. Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling? A: A blonde electrician. 161. Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A1: So brunettes can remember them. A2: Because blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit. 162. Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde? A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children! 163. Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A1: A labrador. A2: An indicator of a really bad hangover. 164. Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words? A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries. 165. Q: Why do blondes have periods? A: They deserve them. 166. Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute? A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally. 167. Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? A: She realized she gave her last blowjob. 168. Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period? A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her? 169. Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"? A: She liked to be filled with cream. 170. Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist? A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?" 171. Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes? A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good. 172. Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor? A: By the ears. 173. Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor. 174. Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy? A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them. 175. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading. 176. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W's. 177. Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car? A: She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche. 178. Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? A: Last year's hide and seek champ. 179. Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant? A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest. 180. Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies? A: One's a bunch a cunning runts. 181. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez/Panama Canal? A: One's a busy ditch. 182. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet? A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it. 183. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster? A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo." 184. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own. 185. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job? A: Your job still sucks after 6 months. 186. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline. 187. Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde? A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?" The nympho says, "Are you done already?" The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige." 188. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. Q: What will she ask you? A: "Is it mine?" 189. Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A: An air bag. 190. Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car? A: Cause she blows the horn! 191. Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on? A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. 192. Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off. 193. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light. 194. Q: What is happening when you hear varoom...screech, varoom...screech, varoom...screech.....? A: A blonde trying to drive through an intersection with a flashing red light. 195. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? A: So her male would get delivered to the right box. 196. Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter". 197. Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating? A: By the buckle print on her forehead. (... nastavak sledi ...)
english.96 ivantod,
(... plavuše, nastavak 3 ...) 198. Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend? A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead. 199. Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment? A: She can't say "No". 200. Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican? A: Retardo. 201. Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor. 202. Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides. 203. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office? A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces. 204. Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? A: They keep breaking them with the hammers. 205. Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? A: Perri-air. 206. Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote? A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck. 207. Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor? A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period. 208. Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head? A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it! 209. Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station? A: The Air Pump! 210. Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear! 211. Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A: Because she got an F in sex. 212. Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde? A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver. 213. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road? R: I don't know. A: Neither did she. 214. Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? A: She missed. 215. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here. 216. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home. On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms. 217. How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand. 218. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?" 219. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving. 220. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. "Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?" "Driver's licence? What's that?..." "It's a little card with your picture on it." "Oh, duh! Here it is..." "May I have your car insurance?" "What's that?..." "It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car." "Oh this? Duh! Here you go..." The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims: "Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!" 221. Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the ironing lady. Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the gardener. 222. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends: Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row! Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred. Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good. Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy. 223. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes. Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working fine. Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves. 224. What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins? He wanted to know who the other man was... 225. There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back. 226. This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull you finger out, I'll sink?" 227. Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguig, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train. 228. The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook." 229. Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down! 230. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!" Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly." 231. A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test." "Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter. The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!" "That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..." 232. Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia... 233. A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!": "I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!" 234. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender: Brunette: "I'll have a B and C." Bartender:"What is a B and C?". Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke." Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G and T?" Redhead: "Gin and tonic." Blonde: "I'll have a 15." Bartender: "What's a 15?" Blonde: "7 and 7" 235. A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with. 236. Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her." 237. ... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan "Billions Served - just today" (... kraj ...)
english.101 dejanr,
q: What is the difference between hardware and software? a: Hardware gets faster, cheaper, smaller. Software gets slower, costlier and bigger.
english.102 dejanr,
(Heard on the radio this morning) Little Johnny asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" The father, as they are wont to do, goes into a long lecture on the nature of God and how mankind has associated human characteristics with the Almighty in an attmpt at better understanding, etc. He ends with the observation that God is neither male nor female, black nor white, straight nor gay, to which Johnny responds ... "Oh, is God Michael Jackson, then?"
english.103 dejanr,
The World Cow Pie Tossing Championship was held this weekend in Beaver, Oklahoma. The men's winner threw a cow pie for a new record of 159 feet. You know where they'll break this record? At the 1992 Democratic Convention in June.
english.104 dejanr,
This is somewhat of an urban legend here in Tromsoe. Grafitti in the men's room of Prelaten, a local cafe: "Marie: If you can read this, it's all over between us"
english.105 dejanr,
A set of the lesser jokes regarding the reaction to the L.A. Police Brutality verdict, and the riots and sending in of the troops (which I'm calling Operation Mojave Desert Storm.) Subject: Back to the grind, in L.A. From: pearl@iago.sw.stratus.com (Dan Pearl) The four L.A. policemen acquitted in the Rodney King brutality case were heard to remark that they are looking forward to "getting back to the beat". = = = = = = = Subject: Bush's plan to stop the LA riots From: bruce@lurch.data-io.com (Bruce Reynolds) The mayor of LA and the govenor of CA declared a state of emergency, and approached the federal government for assistance to control the rioting going on in south central LA over the Rodney King acquittal. President Bush has announced his plan to to stop the riots: he will immediately lower the capital gains tax. = = = = = = = Subject: LA After the Verdict From: abc@concert.net (Alan Clegg) Perhaps it is time to start the new news group: alt.tv.la-lawless original -abc = = = = = = = Subject: New Alarm System resubmittal (topical) From: WCOX@vax.clarku.edu (GRACE) Heard on WAAF radio in Boston. There's a new alarm system out for your car now. It's called "CLUB." It's real simple. If a burglar tries to steal your car, an alarm sounds, which summons 15 LAPD officers who CLUB the would-be burglar within an inch of their life. = = = = = = = Subject: Where there's smoke... From: Steven.Grimm@Eng.Sun.COM (Steven Grimm) (Keywords: original, topical, in bad taste) All the building fires in Los Angeles over the past two days have actually _increased_ visibility by 50%... = = = = = = = Subject: treats you like an emperor From: Wing.Keung.F.Au@IUS5.IUS.CS.CMU.EDU purely fictitious, it came up last night while i was watching CNN. Chinese Prime Minister Li Peng at a press conference after the Rodney King trial verdict is out, said, "It is time to stop bitching our human rights records, otherwise, not only that we will 'treat you like a King,' our utmost generous government will 'treat you like an emperor,' the Tianmen style." He then left the podium, couldn't stop laughing as he walked out. hahahahah, = = = = = = = Subject: Looters on video From: bryanh@lsid.hp.com (Bryan Hoog) The news coverage of the massive L.A. looting was amazing to watch. Some of the looters slowed down to a walk in order to give on-the-spot interviews to reporters, whilst carefully juggling their ill-botten gooty. Meanwhile, all the police could do was watch from a distance. At this point, I was inspired to voice what has to be the stupidest thing I have ever said in my life: "They should have issued each cop a camcorder so that they could convict these criminals later!" = = = = = = = Subject: I have this sticker (maybe) From: jjung@aludra.usc.edu (John Jung) (I'd love to see this sticker) "My mom and dad looted during the L.A. Riots and all I got was this crummy VCR." John = = = = = = = Subject: Riot Humor --- TRUE STORY From: nicholso@pioneer.arc.nasa.gov (Melvin H. Nicholson YBH) I overhead this on Berkeley campus this past weekend. "I can't believe that the defense got away with calling King a bear. The system is so screwed up if they'll let a man be dehumanized like that." "Yeah, the pigs are just out of control." (sigh) = = = = = = = Subject: Cinco de Mayo in LA From: lee@beetle.mport.com The looting and rioting in LA over the weekend is likely to lower spirits among those celebrating Cinco de Mayo this tuesday. But at least they'll be well dressed. (Overheard while getting my hair cut) = = = = = = = Subject: Be careful what you ask for... From: chrisp@efi.com (Chris Phoenix) This is an original joke. I heard on the news that there were over 3400 fires started by the riots touched off by the Rodney King verdict. But I thought George Bush only wanted _one_ thousand points of light! Chris Phoenix chrisp@efi.com = = = = = = = From: terwill@arecibo.aero.org (BILL TERWILLEGAR) Subject: *NEW* TRAVEL ADVISORY -- Los Angeles In the rec.travel newsgroup there are always these "advisories" for every country on earth for one reason or another. Anyway, sitting in my office in El Segundo (a small city near Los Angeles International Airport) I edited one that was for some Asian country. It didn't take a lot of editing..... STATE DEPARTMENT TRAVEL ADVISORY - Los Angeles ============================================================ Los Angeles - Warning April 30, 1992 The Department of State advises all sane creatures to defer all travel to Los Angeles. The Department also advises that only limited police and fire services are available in the city due to "occupied" staffing. Recent months have seen a period of political change accompanied by social and economic difficulty. Rising tension, accompanied by a number of incidents of politically inspired violence, culminated in cancellation of common sense and fair judicial process of law and a large number of arrests seem certain. Humans in Los Angeles are advised to avoid all public gatherings and demonstrations, even if you are dragged from your vehicle, claim that you have a hair appointment elsewhere and are running late, because they have the potential to turn violent "unexpectedly. " All living creatures currently in Los Angeles are advised to avoid travel to the south-central region of Los Angeles. Numerous incidents of banditry and assault involving locals have been reported. Bandits have robbed, assaulted, kidnapped, and killed travelers in south-central Los Angeles. The city government and local judical groups have closed a large section of Los Angeles between common sense and reality for security reasons. Anyone wishing to avoid death and dismemberment currently in Los Angeles is encouraged to avoid donut shops, high speed police pursuit, trial by jury, Korean grocery stores and the local indiginous population. No. 92-Oh Hell! This advisory replaces the advisory dated April 29, 1992, to reflect worsening conditions due to the complete loss of common sense in southern California.
english.106 dejanr,
[Note: OPSEC is short for "Operations Security", i.e. ensuring a potential enemy cannot guess what you're about to do] From "The OPSEC Indicator", Fall 1991: --------------------------------------------------------- PIZZA INTELLIGENCE: AN UPDATE Earlier this year we reported that Domino's Pizza claims it can predict when the government is about to undertake some sort of major activity based upon the increase in pizza deliveries to the Pentagon and the White House. Pizza orders increased substantially just prior to troop deployments to Grenada, Panama, and the Middle East. According to The Washington Times of August 21, 1991, during the early hours of the abortive Kremlin coup in August, Domino's "Pizza Meter" registered 102 deliveries to the Pentagon, breaking the Gulf War record by one; the White House ordered 52 pizzas, breaking its Gulf War record by seven. The CIA, by contrast, learned its OPSEC lesson: There were only two orders, and they were quickly cancelled. -------------------------------------------------------- Ron Wanttaja prang@ssc-bee
english.107 dejanr,
Demonstration Against the Verdict of the Rodney King Trial Saturday-Sunday, downtown San Jose Join us this weekend to protest the verdict handed down at the Rodney King trial. Demonstrate in your own community, in the heart of Silicon Valley. We will start at the entrance of City Hall, and proceed down Main Street, until we reach the 7-11 where my brother Bill works. We'll loot the store while clubbing Bill to death. Then we will proceed to my appartment building and set it on fire. Finally you'll get to see me batter my wife and abuse my children. Bring a baseball bat and molotov cocktails if you wish to participate. This ought to teach the police not to victimize innocent people.
english.108 dejanr,
There was once a chinese emperor who had very refined tastebuds and would eat only the finest of foods. He employed many people whose jobs involved just travelling the length and breadth of the land to find food of the highest quality for their emperor. It was unfortunate for them, however, that the emperor had peculiar cravings. One day the emperor called in his staff and said, "Well, today I want to eat a one hundred year old egg. This egg must be exactly one hundred years old." Well imagine the commotion in the palace! His staff jumped on their horses and travelled all over, trying to find an egg which was exactly one hundred years old. They looked and looked, and finally returned to the palace and approached the emperor. "Well", said the emperor, "did you find my egg?" One of his servents stepped forward and addressed his majesty. "No sir", he said, "we did not find an egg that was exactly one hundred years old. But we do have one here which is about fifty years old." The emperor replied, "No Way! You know I hate fast food!"
english.109 dejanr,
Heard on the radio this morning (2MMM, Sydney), joke faxed in by listener: What do you call an underground hill? Benny!
english.110 dejanr,
Jimmy had a problem. Jimmy sucked his thumb all the time, and his mother had tried everything to try to make him stop. She was talking to a friend of her's who said that she stopped her daughter from sucking her thumb by telling her that if she did, a big wart would grow in her stomach and grow so big it would kill her. Jimmy's mother thought this an effective method, and tried it on Jimmy the next day. As she relayed this to her son, his eyes grew wide, and he immediately stopped sucking his thumb, cold turkey. A week or so later, Jimmy and his mother were on the bus trying to find a seat. They made there way to the back of the bus where a 9 month pregnant lady sat. Upon seeing this, Jimmy pointed at the woman and blurted out: I know what you've been doing!
english.111 dejanr,
An airline pilot told me this ... He was flying some non-english speaking business men on a private plane when one of them indicated that he needed to pee. The pilot explaned that the bathroom was behind the curtain and where there was a funnel to pee into. When done, one should pull the handle to flush. A few minutes later the same fellow was back up front with his pants down around his knees, his tie blown over his shoulder, and a white stripe going up the front of his body. And in his hand was ... the fire extinquisher.
english.112 dejanr,
The following appeared in one of our national newspapers but I originally had the idea (Scout's Honour) when I first heard about the institute's decision to change its name. Background info: Until last year polytechnics could not award their own degrees. However the rules have been changed and now polytechs can call themselves universities. Story: Newcastle Polytechnic wanted to upgrade their name to university but could not call themselves University of Newcastle upon Tyne as this already exists (where this author is studying). Therefore, they decided to insert City into the title and become City University of Newcastle upon Tyne until somebody pointed out the abbreviation. BTW The abbrev. for Newcastle Unversity is often U.N'cle.
english.113 dejanr,
This is original. _______________________________ Test yourself: 1) How busy have you been today? a> Not at all busy; in fact, I just spent three hours reading USENET. b> Somewhat busy, but I still had about three hours free for reading USENET. c> Never been so busy in my life! Why, I barely had three hours to spare for reading USENET! 2) Which of the following sentences most closely resembles your day? a> Wake up, go to ,work/school, crank up the computer/terminal and read USENET, go to meetings/classes, go home, log-in, go to sleep. b> Wake up, make a pot of coffee, crank up the computer/terminal and start reading USENET in the den/basement/bedroom, watch TV, go to sleep. c> Read USENET, don't sleep. 3) Which sentence best summarizes your actions when you see the following message on your terminal? ******** End of newsgroups--what next? [npq] a> Press "n" frantically, looking for any newsgroups you may have skipped over, while fighting off a plummeting sensation in the pit of the stomach. b> Subscribe to more newsgroups, while fighting off the growing sense of emptiness in your life. c> Crosspost your opinions on horticulture to five newsgroups and send a copy to rec.humor.funny, while fighting off a chilling sense of unease. Scoring: Score any number of points for any question circled. <0 At least you have a means for channeling your anti-social urges. 0 Close to well-adjusted, but be careful! >0 Cheer up while considering for a moment what you would have to do if there was no USENET.
english.114 dejanr,
[Something to this effect seen in alt.urban.legends] Urban Legend: Pregnant women caught in elevators during power outages always go into labor for some reason; could be stress, could be just the quiet dark setting, could be something else. The birth rate jumped in a city when the power went out for a day, "elevator babies" being born all over the city. Ever since then, whenever the power goes out in buildings, a workman always opens the hatch on the top of the elevator and asks "Are there any pregnant women in there?" To which the standard reply is: "No; we've only been stuck in here half an hour."
english.115 dejanr,
Attributted to a California Supreme Court Judge: If the L.A. police had taken any longer to respond to the riots you would find their pictures on milk cartons, as missing and presumed lost.
english.116 dejanr,
My friend Mike hass this egg timer thingy with some colored plastic beads in water with clear glass beads in it too. When you flip it over the color beads sink to the bottom but because of the glass they swirl around first and look cool. Ideally you shouldn't be able to see the glass but you kind of can. Mike and Richard figured that if they used a chemical closer to the refractive index of glass than water is, then it would be harder to see the beads and it would look cooler. So in the CRC they found this chem, carbon disulfide, which seemed like it would work so Richard went to a chem store and ordered it - the store didn't keep it in. When he picked it up the guy made some elaborate preparations with it putting it in two different safety wraps so Richard asked what the scoop was. The guy said, "Yeah, it's kind of dangerous. I mean, we don't keep it in the store." "How dangerous?" Richard asked. He looked in this guide to hazardous materials that the guy showed him and he found that there was a 10 page entry for this stuff which included: exposure to the chemical can cause sterility, impotence, damage to the peripheral and central nervous systems (leaving no nervous system untouched), its flamable and explosive, etc. A little unnerved he asked whether he could return it when he was done with it and the guy looked at him like he was crazy and said of course not. He took it home and explaned the situation to Mike and they both left it unopened on the kitchen table for a while wondering what to do with it. At work Richard had a chem friend who said he'd take it off his hands for him so without telling Mike he brought it into work and gave this chem guy the bottle but kept the box. Later that day he went home and put a glass of water in the box with a heavy piece of metal on top of it which would fall and break the glass if it was nudged. All this was in the box though, so it couldn't be seen. He then also sliced off a small corner of the box so that liquid could come out but the cut was hardly noticable. The night at dinner Richard "accidently" knocked the box over onto the floor where it obviously broke and liquid started leaking. Mike freaked out, jumped up and ran to open the door - which was locked - so he ran to his room to get the keys and noticed that Richard hadn't moved but was still sitting there shaking slightly (suppressing laughter but Mike didn't know this.) So Mike wigged out again thinking that Richard was really being affected but by this time Richard couldn't hold it in anymore and burst out laughing and had to explain the whole thing to Mike... I love this one.
english.117 dejanr,
Q. What's black and white and orange all over? A. A newspaper, the day after the verdict handed down at the trial of four Los Angeles police officers.
english.118 dejanr,
Call for discussion for creating a newsgroup "talk.gullible". Charter of group: The establishment of links with fellow sufferers, and the re-establishment of belief in oneself, are the primary aims of this group. The exchange of methods for minimising the effect of this disability, and of well known remedies, is another aim. This group is specifically not concerned with the causes of gullibility ; analysis of the condition or of postings is not encouraged. Voting: Voting will be in a two week period from the 18th to 31st of May. During this period, please email your votes to nixon-vote@uvb.een.hadnet, with a subject line containing either "yes" or "no". Any duplicate or amibiguous votes, or votes received outside this period, will be discarded.
english.119 dejanr,
It's the first session of the Ukranian parliament and Kravchuk is presiding. He's a little nervous because of all the Western press and he wants to make a good impression: He thinks: "Who shall I get to give the opening speech?" He looks across the room: "No, not Kalinev from the Nationalist Party. He'll say that we should hang all the Westerners." He looks to the other side: "Hm. I better not call on Korlenko from the Slavic Union Party. He'll say that we should drown all the Jews." He looks way in the back: "Ah. I'll call on Orlovsky from the Green Party." Orlovsky gets to the front of the room: "Fellow countrymen and representatives of the Western press, I'd like to talk to you today about the environmental crisis that is upon us. The years of Soviet control have left us with a devastated countryside. Our forests have been destroyed; our rivers are polluted. This is catastrophe for our new nation, for if our forests are destroyed, where shall we hang the Westerners? If our rivers are polluted, where shall we drown the Jews?..." (Origin: somewhere in the Commonwealth of Independent States. Told by Neil Carrick, my housemate recently returned.)
english.120 dejanr,
I got this piece of paper from a homeless person, for a quarter. One side is a picture of Mount Pinatubo, with random headlines strewed about. The other side is reproduced verbatim below. It starts slow, but gets better... PS: Berkeley is a lot more interesting than most places in the Bay Area.-- The Earth is the third of nine planets in the solar system. Because the sun is so large we can never see all nine planets at any one time. The maximum number is seven and the event occurs only at 59,000 year intervals and is known as an astrological age. When the moon passes over the ocean there is a bulge caused by the effects of gravity and we see this as the tides. In a like manner, when seven planets are on an alignment from behind the sun they cause effects upon one another. On Earth the molten core is bulged and the crust is breached. This action releases large amounts of oxygen destroying heat into the atmosphere in the form of volcanos. Dinosaurs lived millions of years ago at a time when the planet was oxygen rich. This is visible when you notice how high their nostrils were above the ground level, 30 to 40 feet. As the solar system has aged our oxygen has been depleted and now the average height of the oxygen breathing creatures is below seven feet. There is so little oxygen that the largest of the two types of oxygen breathers are right at the surface level. The elephants trunk and the breathing hole of the whale are surface level where most of the oxygen is found. If homo sapiens are eternal then certain prerequisites must be met and one of these is oxygen, in order to survive we must have oxygen. Because of volcanos the planet is irreversibly running out of oxygen and to be Eternal humans must find a solar system with a planet that has a atmosphere with enough oxygen for us to survive for even a short amount of time. The fuel formulas for lifting humans and our gear stands at 1,800,000 pounds per minute and at 5 minutes and 5 billion people we do not have the fuel to lift everybody today. If the world community were to embrace the single child family concept the population number would begin to drop by one half, eventually the number would drop to a low number that there would be enough fuel for one and all. EVERYBODY!
english.121 dejanr,
This story was told by Angus McEwan to begin a presentation. A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
english.122 dejanr,
From Johnny Carson: "President Bush looked out the window of his limousine and commented sadly, "Such devastation and destruction. How could they riot in their own communities?" Upon hearing this, an adviser turned and said, "Uhhh, Mr. President, we haven't even reached the airport yet. This is still Washington."
english.123 dejanr,
Q: What's brown and sticky ? A: A stick.
english.124 dejanr,
After spending a few 24-hour sessions with my new '386 box, I have come to realize the basic difference between a Hacker and a User: A User buys a faster computer so he can spend _less_ time with it.
english.125 dejanr,
"Arizona is banking on a new slogan to lure millions of visitors and their dollars to the state. "It's 'Arizona--One Grand Adventure After Another.'" "The slogan, picked from more than 20,000 entries, in a contest sponsored by the Arizona Office of Tourism, was announced Wednesday." [it goes on, but here are some of the losers:] "Arizona--Bring your camera and your Grandma Arizona--Come on vacation, Leave on probation Arizona--A Yucca Minute Arizona--You Never Have to Shovel Sunshine Arizona--Where you can Have a Dirt Lawn and it's OK Arizona--Come see it, Pilgrim Arizona has the hots for you Arizona--The Happy Jumping Cholla State Get your AZ over here Hug a zonie Arizona--The Zippy Zone Arizone--It will Thaw Your Chilis Arizona--Sunny with Scattered Flowers Arizona--Better than the State You're In Arizona--It's not Kansas and it Never was" The winner won a free houseboat vacation on Lake Powell, most of which is in Utah.
english.126 dejanr,
Just a thought: 'Sex is like software: For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free.'
english.127 dejanr,
This is an original quote from Dr. Hiroshi Sagahura (sp?) a genetic researcher in Oregon and current Japanese citizen. It was passed along by a friend who works with him. The American people shouldn't be so offended when the Japanese say they have a bad work ethic. During World War II, many Japanese pilots decided it was too much work to fly home and thus never even tried returning to Japan.
english.128 dejanr,
On "New Explorers" on PBS, 2/18/92: According to a brain surgeon who does "hemispherectomies" to treat severe seizures: I had one little girl as a patient who told knock-knock jokes; we removed her left brain and she still told knock-knock jokes. I had another little girl as a patient who told knock-knock jokes; we removed her right brain and she still told knock-knock jokes. So I have to conclude that knock-knock jokes aren't in the brain.
english.129 dejanr,
A TV commentator at the Olympics skating competition commented that "the death spiral was always a Russian specialty". Not always. Just for the last 600 years.
english.130 dejanr,
The following was sent to me by Dr.Adrian Melott, Associate Professor of Physics and Astronomy here at the University of Kansas: THE BURNING QUESTION OF HEAVY BOOTS I put two multiple choice questions on my Physics 111 test, after the study of elementary mechanics and gravity: 13. If you are standing on the Moon, and holding a rock, and you let it go, it will: (a) float away (b) float where it is (c) move sideways (d) fall to the ground (e) none of the above 25. When the Apollo astronauts wre on the Moon, they did not fall off because: (a) the Earth's gravity extends to the Moon (b) the Moon has gravity (c) they wore heavy boots (d) they had safety ropes (e) they had spiked shoes The response showed some interesting patterns! The first question was generally of average difficulty, compared with the rest of the test: 57% got it right. The second question was easier: 73% got it right. So, we need more research to explain the people who got #25 right but did not get #13 right! The second interesting point is that these questions proved to be excellent discriminators: that is, success on these two questions proved to be an extremely good predictor of overall success on the test. On the first question, 92% of those in the upper quarter of the test score got it right; only 20% of those in the bottom quarter did. They generally chose answers (a) or (b). On the second question, 97% in the upper quarter got it right and 33% in the lower quarter did. The big popular choice of this group was (c)...33% chose heavy boots, followed closely by safety ropes at 27%. A telling comment on the issue of fairness in teaching elementary physics: Two students asked if I was going to continue asking them about things they had never studied in the class. Adrian Melott
english.131 dejanr,
This one sprung willy-nilly from the depths of my mind: Inspired by a recent article about a college professor who asserted that there was no gravity on the moon, and that the astronauts were able to walk on the surface because of "heavy boots", I was pleased recently to hear about all the space walks accomplished during the current shuttle mission. One lasted for more than 8 hours, and I couldn't help thinking of how lucky they were to have such good weather the entire time...
english.132 dejanr,
These two stories appeared in succession on the A(Australian)BC-FM radio news this morning: .. problems continue in the South African black townships. Four people were killed in violent clashes yesterday. A black spokesman said - this situation is a tragedy for our people; we get no help from the government; blacks are dying and all the whites can do is talk about cricket. <very brief pause> last night at the Sydney Cricket Ground, the South African cricket team defeated Australia in the day-night match .....
english.133 dejanr,
This top ten list is taken from the latest engineering t-shirt that is being offered here at Ohio University. The author is probably a collective group of students. Top Ten Reasons To Date An Engineer 1. Extremely Good Looking 2. High Starting Salary 3. Free Body Diagrams 4. Looks Good On A Resume' 5. Can Calculate Head Pressure 6. Help With Your Math Homework 7. Parents Will Approve 8. We Know How To Handle Stress And Strain In Our Relationships 9. Find Out What Those Other Buttons On Your Calculator Do 10. The World Does Revolve Around Us... We Pick The Coordinate System
english.134 dejanr,
This is a true story. On October 13, 1944, the Durham (North Carolina) _Sun_ reported that a citizen was brought up in traffic court for parking his car on a restricted street right in front of a sign that read "No Stoping". The defendant plead "not guilty". "Your Honor, I have not violated the law. The sign prohibited stoping, and I have not stoped. Webster's dictionary tells me that stoping means extracting ore from a stope, or, loosely, underground. Your Honor, I am a law-abiding citizen, and I didn't extract any ore from the area of the sign." Judge Wilson responded, "This is Friday the 13th and anything can happen. Case dismissed."
english.135 dejanr,
From the back of a locally-brewed T-shirt: Top Ten Subtle Differences Between CMU and Hell __________________________ 10. It doesn't rain in Hell. 9. Everyone has heard of Hell. 8. It's more fun getting into Hell. 7. You can't fail out of Hell. 6. At least you can sleep in Hell. 5. Hell is forever, CMU just seems like it. 4. People smile in Hell. 3. You only have to sell your soul to get into Hell. 2. You know there are hot women in Hell. And the #1 subtle difference between CMU and Hell... 1. You wouldn't tell a friend to go to CMU.
english.136 dejanr,
Q: What do the LAPD and PeeWee Herman have in common? A: They both get off in public.
english.137 dejanr,
Seen on Pavlov's door: Knock. Don't ring bell.
english.138 dejanr,
Since everyone seems to love "Top 10" lists, Here is a Top 20 list of quotes from the Olympic Games: Honorable Mention: Todd Eldridge for shooting himself in the head after falling down during his performance on a simple manuver. From the Home Office in Metuchen, N.J., The Top 20 Quotes heard at the Olympic Games: 20. "Max, Get your ass down Here!" - Kerri Lee Gartner, after placing First in the Women's Downhill 19. "I'm Going to Disneyland!" - Kristi Yamaguchi, after winning the Gold 18. "I do a serious job, and the bosses know they can rely on me for frozen pucks." - Jean Julien, Official Puck Freezer of the Olympics 17. "I Won't Be Happy Till I Take it All!" - Herscel Walker 16. "I'm a Sexy Kinky Tom Boy..." - sung by Cathy Turner 15. "They're going to have to call it Albertoville." - Alberto Tomba 14. "I'm Sorry. I have failed you." - Midori Ito (to Japan) 13. "Don't Cry Midori, There's always Tomorrow." - The Jaspanese Press 12. "You Have to Be Brave." - John Anduit, Target Changer for the Biathalon 11. "Where Are You Tomba?" - Katarina Witt 10. "I came, I saw, they kicked my Butt,,," - Chris Bowman 9. "I ate some bad fish." - Eric Flame, U.S. Speed Skater 8. "This is not what the olympics are about." - The Anal-retentive Brittish IOC Spokesman in reference to Eddy 'The Eagle' Edwards 7. "I'll see you at Lillehammer in '94!" - Eddy 'The Eagle' Edwards 6. Ooooh! - Scott Hamilton & Verne Lundquist, Figure Skating Reporters 5. "Somebody Took My Glasses." - Faissel Cherrati, Morroco X-C Skier. 4. "Nancy is a very special friend of mine." Paul Wylie, immediately after the exhibition performace with Nancy Kerrigan. 3. "YOU'RE DEAD, PAUL!!!!!" - Paul Wylie's soon-to-be ex-girlfriend at Harvard, immediately after the exhibition performace of Paul & Nancy. 2. "Get me the ____ out of There!!!!! I can't ____ Take it anymore!!!!!!!" - Team USA Goalie Ray LeBlanc after facing 26 shots in the first period against Tchzeckoslovakia. And the Number 1 quote from the 1992 Olympic Winter Games at Alberto... er... Albertville, France is............ 1. "There's More to life than this." - Dan Jansen, Olympic Speed saketr for US after his 2 failed 'runs for the Gold'.
english.139 dejanr,
Based on ther message on how to deal with stockbrokers who try to sell you their garbage by calling you right before lunch break, here is a similar story based on one very boring afternoon at home with a Long-Distance Company <this was done just after AT&T Broke up, some names have been altered due to poor memory>. RING RING RING Me: Hello? SM: Hello, I am Gern Blanston representing the Flint Long Distance company. How Me: <bemused> Fine. SM: May I ask you what type of long distance company you are using? Me: <now witha devilish grin> Duuuh... I duuno.... SM: You don't know? Well how would you like to be hooked up with the best sattelite phone network of the 80's? We use- Me: Duh, sure. Can I call my freind from, uh, far away? SM: Er, yes. Our long distance service uses the best- Me: <trying to keep from giggling> He lives in Pango Pango... SM: Yes, I see. Well you can call your fried overseas at a rate you'll- Me: He has a lizard you know.... his name is Ralph. SM: I see, well you can- Me: Ralph the lizard. He is green and sits in a tree. SM: Well- Me: A palm tree... with lots of, uh... leaves. SM: <haggardly> Well, you will save money by using our new optical- Me: Save money? Really? SM: Of course! And if you- Me: Well, how much is it per yard? SM: Pardon me? <really threw him there> Me: How much is it per yard. Pango Pango is pretty far away from here... SM: Well, I never really thought about it that way, but I can assure you- Me: Will you have to drill a hole in my roof? SM: Ah, no. You see, it works like this- Me: 'Cause my friend Tom got one of them black dishes that you put on your roof... and then he fell off and hurt himself real bad... SM: Well, me don't actually come to your house- Me: Crushed his wife's poodle. Flattened him right out, he did... SM: If you could give me a minute to explain the proceess- Me: Did I tell you I had a friend in Pango Pango? I kept doing this act for about 20 minutes before the guy just finnaly gave me his number to call him back. That salesman hung on like a pit bull! I guess he must have thought I was so stupid, he would eventually sell me something.
english.140 dejanr,
This executive was interviewing a nervous young women for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The girl quickly responded, "The living one."
english.141 dejanr,
Philippe Deane Gigantes (holder of the world record for the longest filibuster) is a Senator from Quebec who has a habit of grating against the (Tory) government. The following is a short speech he made in the Senate on Wed., 12 Feb. 1992. Hon. Senator Gigantes: Honourable senators, I would like to take this occasion to speak about an obvious case of shortsightedness and improvidence in the financial field by the Tories. We used to have cheese served in the Senate Reading Room. They have stopped that now. I used to eat some of that cheese. Any of the distinguished physicians who serve in this house will tell you that a man my age who eats animal fats is likely to die sooner. Senator Doody: Bring back the cheese! Senator Gigantes: Exactly. Therefore, the savings for the government on the pension they would not have to pay for those years that I would lose by dieing earlier through eating cheese will not be made. That saving would certainly be superior to the cost of the cheese. This is another example of Tory shortsightedness.
english.142 dejanr,
Friend Jacqui, a first-year medical student, and I were talking one evening when she glanced at her watch and said, "Oops! I have to go -- I've got a date with this dead guy." "Don't tell me," I replied. "You met in anatomy class, right?" "Yeah. It was interesting at first, but he's such a drag. He's always falling apart, and I can't get him to pull himself together. He won't talk. And," she added, wrinkling her nose, "he smells." "Ah." I nodded wisely. "The strong, silent type."
english.143 dejanr,
Matt Groening had some T-SHirts for the LA Riot in his column Life in Hell. The better ones included: My other car is on Fire. Thank you for not killing me. My parents benefited from a 60's style welfare program and all i got was this lousy T Shirt. I used to love LA.
english.144 dejanr,
Why won't Bill Clinton ever die in the gas chamber? Because he doesn't inhale.
english.145 dejanr,
While Dow is now getting out of the business of silcone breast implants, other companies are moving into the area. In fact, I heard today that there is a new company in California that offers breast implants in under an hour. They're calling the company "Jiffy Boob."
english.146 dejanr,
********************* WHAT'S IN A NAME *********************** - BUSH: READ MY LIPS @ Ruled by Mishaps - PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH @ SOS: Big Huge Pretender @ Big Spender Got us Here - BORIS YELTSIN @ I Resist Nobly @ Is Berlins Toy @ Riot Sensibly - SADDAM HUSSEIN @ Smash Saudi Den @ USA Hid Madness - PRESIDENT HUSSEIN @ His Inept Rudness - THEODORE BUNDY @ to her nude body - ARAB/ISREALI CONFLICT @ A Tribal Relic of Cain - HOSNI MUBARAK @ OK, Ambush Iran - SHIEK JABER AL-AHMED AL-SABA (emir of Kuwait) @ Aha! A Bad, Hellish James Baker - VICE PRESIDENT @ Isn't Percieved - BERKELY, CALIFORNIA @ Fear icky neoliberal - GENERAL MOTORS @ Largest No More - PRESIDENT FIDEL CASTRO @ Cast friendlier despot - STATEN ISLAND @ Nastiest Land
english.147 dejanr,
Dear Brad: this *is* a true story. it happened to me this evening. (2/24/92) Intro: I have been lifting weights semi-regularly for the past month. With this in mind . . . Phone rings: ME: Hello? (of course) PARTY: Hello, Shannon? This is Lisa. I was told you do personal training. Me: Uh, no... Lisa: Oh, I'm so embarassed. You sure you don't do personal training? Me: Yes . . .(getting slightly confused, and somewhat irritated) Lisa: Do you want to? Me: No, I don't really have time. And I don't really know enough about it. Lisa: Well, a lady at the gym told me you did training. I guess it was another Shannon Wells. Oh, I'm so embarassed. Me (thinking, "no big deal, lady, geez!"): What gym? Johnson Center? (the university gym, ie, the only one I go to) Lisa: No. You SURE you don't want to do any training? I have a dog collar to wear and everything! Me: (What the hell . . ?) No, I don't - Lisa: Oh, I'm sorry . . . (sigh, whines) I'm so horny . . . Me: (firmly) good *bye*. . . click.
english.148 dejanr,
In what must be one of the better puns to come out of the US Presidential race so far, the cover of the latest Time Magazine features a closeup of a certain extremely rich Texan, with the large caption
english.149 dejanr,
Q: In what way do Rodney King and Bill Clinton differ? A: One took 56 hits, and the other doesn't know how to take even one.
english.150 dejanr,
This is how the system really works. Lots of rich Democrats splash out money on advertising campaigns and do their best to dig up dirt on each other. The one with the silliest name (Tsongas) drops out through lack of money. Every so often someone suggests Teddy Kennedy, just to make the other candidates look good by comparison. Bill Clinton commits adultery, smokes pot, kills 200 with a chain saw etc. but it's in fashion this year so that's all right isn't it. Since everyone else is even worse, Clinton gets nominated. Meanwhile, George Bush is being challenged by various raving fascists who want to know why he hasn't nuked China yet. Despite having Dan Quayle round his neck, he brushes these challenges off fairly easily, and even shrugs off a last-ditch attempt by Hercule Perot. Unfortunately Nero Wolfe isn't standing, or he would have got the nomination. So we go into the final with Bush against Clinton. Now it gets really dirty. Bush's mob make up various stories proving that Clinton is (a) Black (b) Chinese (c) Mentally Ill (d) Dead (e) A Communist and (f) Neil Kinnock. In return Clinton points out that Bush is an incompetent wally who is unfit even to run a computing service. Stalemate. So the voters decide, and the winner is Abraham Lincoln who turns out not to be dead after all, at least not in comparison with Ronald Reagan, so everyone lives happily ever after.
english.151 dejanr,
STANDARD USENET REPLY FORM To :_________________________ From:_________________________ I have read your recent post concerning_________________________ posted to _____________________. I regret that due to severe time constraints I am unable to respond to your posting directly. However, I would like to advise you that I believe that your posting: __contains an unacceptable ____logic number of errors in: ____fact ____spelling/grammar __is based on stereotypes of: ____race, ethnic, national origin ____gender differences ____sexual orientation / preferences ____regionalisms ____employer and/or school affiliations ____religious affiliation/non-affiliation __violates commonly-accepted ____.signature size net standards concerning: ____posting to world distribution subjects not of general interest ____posting elementary technical questions which should be resolved at local site ____limiting postings to appropriate groups only ____editing of quoted material ____posting of copyrighted material __is uninteresting because it ____contains hackneyed expressions ____contains outright stupidities ____is inherently self-contradictory ____reflects inadequate intellectual development or maturity ____reiterates points made better by others ____is a gratuitous attack on an obvious provocateur __contains inane offers to ____SAT scores make comparisons with other ____genital size readers concerning: ____frequency of sexual activity ____age at first exposure to computers ____knowledge of obscure technical information not of general interest __reflects serious mis- ____the basic functioning of USENET understandings concerning: ____your role in the functioning of USENET ____other's interest in what you do or don't do ____the nature of sarcasm or satire or humor in general
english.152 dejanr,
How many analyst/programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? Sorry, that would only be a temporary fix and we're working on a permanent solution.
english.153 dejanr,
During the second world war a company of British soldiers was camped in the desert. Unfortunately, one day their cook was killed in an accident. So they drew straws to select a new cook and the job fell to a young private. Now being company cook was a dreadful job, but it wasn't working out in the cook-tent in the blazing sun cooking up greesy slop that bothered our young private - it was the constant complaints. Nothing saticfied the men, and finally the private could stand it no longer. "Listen," he said "the next person who complains about my cooking, gets the job!" Then he went out into the desert and gathered up a big bag of fresh cammel shit, took it back to the tent, and cooked it up as meat-balls for breakfast next morning. Well, come breakfast the men all sat in silence looked at the mess on their plates. Then finally a man rose to his feet and said "Private! This is shit! Mind you, it's very nicely cooked."
english.154 dejanr,
THE LOS ANGELES TIMES April 29, 1995 Three years after their acquittal on 10 of 11 criminal charges stemming from the brutal beating of motorist Rodney King, four Los Angeles police officers were convicted yesterday on five counts of violating King's civil rights. The men will be sentenced tomorrow and face up to thirty years in prison. Immediately after the verdict was announced, overjoyed celebrants took to the streets, smashing windows, looting stores, and beating passers-by.
english.155 dejanr,
From comedian Richard Lewis: "I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M & M's one by one with a glass of water."
english.156 dejanr,
Okay, here's another one courtesy of soon-to-be jokemeister Mark Bell. He claims it is of Spanish origin, but I wouldn't trust a bespectacled Australian. A man's house is broken into one night, and his TV and VCR are stolen. However, the next week, the thief is miraculously caught by the police, and the stolen goods recovered. Testament, no doubt, to the efficiency of the Spanish police force. So the man who was robbed strolls down to the police station and demands to speak to the thief. The police explain to him that that is not necessary because he was caught red-handed, is sure to do time, and all the property had already been returned to the rightful owner. But the man was not satisfied. So the police ask him exactly WHY he wants to talk to the thief. The man looks about sheepishly then, in a softer voice, enunciated: "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife."
english.157 dejanr,
I heard this on CBC Radio news last night... They were talking to people who were looting a record store in L.A. "What did you get?" "Gospel tapes, I LOVE Jesus."
english.158 ndragan,
Q: What is the capacity of elevators in Biafra? A: 400 kg or 800 persons. Q: How do you put a Biafran in a matchbox? A: No way, unless you pull out at least one match out of the box. Q: What is the difference between a Biafran and a tennis ball? A: A few grams. Q: How do you put 50 Jews in a VW? A: Just leave a hundred bucks inside, they'll go in themselves. Q: Why do the Jews have big noses? A: The air is free. Zapisao po sećanju onako kako sam čuo '72. Bue_ Ndragan
english.159 wizard,
>> Zapisao po sećanju onako kako sam čuo '72. Ti kad čuješ na engleskom i pamtiš na engleskom? :) <<nenad<<
english.160 ndragan,
/ Ti kad čuješ na engleskom i pamtiš na engleskom? :) About exactly so - legs how (nogekako). I told you da sam bio dežurni simulantni prevodilac.
english.161 mladenp,
<<< BUEF78::DUA0:[NOTES$LIBRARY]VICEVI.NOTE;1 >>> -< Male sale za prijatno popodne >- =============================================================================== = Note 88.0 Bastard Operator From Hell 1-10 No replies UBBG::EZONJIC 1022 lines 18-SEP-1992 01:30 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Zdravo, Ko ima vremena, a i zna English, neka procita cuvenog THE BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL u 10 nastavaka. Kad procitate shvaticete zasto su nasi operateri najbolji na svetu :-))) Inace, ovo je sa Usenet-a i relativno je frisko: ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ From: spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia) ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #1 I'm still bored. But at least now the radio's off, it was on it's 12 repeat of "Wildfire" THIS WEEK, and it's only Tuesday; shit I hate that. So anyway, I quicklime the engineer to remove any fingerprints and then FedEx him back to headquarters and set about waiting for the engineer. Now the second engineer only has to come out after another 4 hours, there's no death of engineer penalty clause, (but I'm thinking about asking for one) so I've got to fill in some time. This guy's going to be a technical engineer, the sort that comes in with a raggedy tie where he got it caught in the drum printer at 3000 rpm a couple of years ago, and he'll have the grazes on the face that indicate that he didn't get the gate open in time... I know these sorts... So I fill in a couple of hours by killing users off and deleting their files, then waiting for them to call... "Um, I can't find my files" the wimpering simp on the phone says "Files? What files?" "The files in my account. My thesis, my research - all gone!" "Gone ay? What's your username?" "TURGEN" "TROJAN?! LIKE THE CONDOM?" "No TURGEN. T-U-R" "OH Turgen, like TURD, but with a GEN instead of a D... Ok lets see" I make vague clicking noises my dragging the quicklimed man's fingers back and forth across the keypad. "Uh-huh" >drag drag< "Yeah.." >dragedy poke< "AH! - You haven't got any files" "I KNOW!" "Well, what are you calling ME for? We don't make the files you know, we just look after them. And chopitty-chop too, your thesis looks like it's due in a couple of days.." I hang up - he'll call back. Meantime I open up a copy of "VMS BASTARD OPERATORS MANUAL FROM HELL" I'm reading the article I sent in about getting rid of those trouble users... "... Modify the user's password minimum from 6 to 32 letters, give the password a 1 day lifetime, set it so that they HAVE to use the password generate utility when they change their password (so their password will always be something that looks like vaguely pronouncable line-noise), add a secondary password with the same as the above, then redefine their CLI tables so that the only command that works is DELETE, and all other commands point to it." Beautiful. Shit I'm good. He calls back. "MY FILES ARE GONE!" he screams, panicking. "Did you have a backup?" I ask, as sweet as pie "But that's what you people are supposed to do!" he sobs "Yeah, well we did - but then we switched to those 8mm tapes, and they're the same size as the ones in my video camera, so I've been using them to tape the neighbour's sex romps..." I hear the revolver go off, but what the hell, it's 5pm, and not my problem... ****************************************************************************** BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #2 I'm sitting at the desk, playing x-tank, when some thoughtless bastard rings me on the phone. I pick it up. "Hello?" I say. "Who is this?" they say "It's me I think" I say, having been through a telephone skills course "Me Who?" "Is this like a knock knock joke?" I say, trying anything to save myself having to end this game. Too LATE! I get killed. Now I'm pissed! "What can I do for you?" I ask pleasantly - (one of the key warning signs) "Um, I want to know if we have a particular software package.." "Which package is that?" "Uh, B-A-S-I-C it's called." >clickety clickety d-e-l b-a-s-i-c.e-x-e< "Um no, we don't have that. We used to though.." "oh. Oh well, the other thing I wanted to know was, could the contents of my account be copied to tape to I have a permanent copy of them to save at home in case the worst happens.." "The worst?" "Well, like they get deleted or something..." "DELETED! Oh, don't worry about that, we have backups" (I'm such a *shit*) "What was your username?" He gives me his lusername. (What an idiot) >clickety clikc< "But you haven't got any files in your account!" I say, mock surprise leaping from my vocal chords. "Yes I have, you must be looking in the wrong place!" So first he spoils my x-tank game, and now he's calling me a liar... >clickety click< "Oh no, I made a mistake" I say Did he mutter "typical" under his breath? Oh dear, oh dear.. "I MEANT TO SAY: That username doesn't exist" "Huh? >wimper< It must do, I was only using it this morning!" "Ah well, that'll be the problem, there was a virus in our system this morning, the... uh... De Vinci Virus, wipes out users who are logged in when it goes off." "That can't be right, my girlfriend was logged in, and I'm in her account now!" "Which one was that?" He tells me the username. Some people NEVER learn.. "Oh, yeah, her account was just after we discovered the virus." >clickety clikc< "..she only lost all her files" "But..." "But don't worry, we've got them all on tape" "Oh, thank goodness!!!" "Paper tape. Have you got a magnifying glass and a pencil. SEE YOU IN THE MACHINE ROOM!!!! NYAHAHAHAHAHA!" I'm such a prick! ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #3 So I'm working so hard I barely have time to drive into town and watch a movie before I told people their printing will be ready. The queue's WAAAAY too long to have everything printed (and sorted) by the time I told them, so I kill all the small jobs so there's only 2 left and I can sort them in no time. Then, after the movie, (which was one of those slack Bertolucci ones that takes about 3 hours till the main character is killed off in a visionary experience) I get back and clear the printouts. There's about 50 people waiting outside and I've got two printouts. That's about average for me. I thought I'd killed more tho. Anyway, I put out the printouts and walk slooowly inside, fingering the clipboard with "ACCOUNTS TO REMOVE" in big letters on the back. No-one says anything. As usual. . . . I'm sitting back in the Operations Armchair, watching the computer room closed circuit TV, which just happens to be connected to the frame-grabber's Video player (sent off for repair, due back sometime in '94) when the phone rings. That must be the 2nd time today, and it's really starting to get to me! "Yes?" I say, pausing the picture. "I've accidentally deleted my C.V!" the voice at the other end of the line says. "You have? What was your username?" He tells me. What the hell, I AM bored. "Ah no, you didn't delete it - I did." "What?" "I deleted it. It was full of shit! You didn't ever get more than a B- in any of your subjects!" "Huh?" "And that crap about being a foreign exchange student, that was your girlfriend and we both know it." "Huh?!!" "Your academic records. I checked them, you were lying.." "How did y.." He clicks. "It's you isn't it? THE BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL!" "In the flesh, on the phone and in your account.... You shouldn't have called you know. You especially shouldn't have given me your username.." >clickety< >click< "Neither should you have sent that mail to the System Manager telling him what you think of him in graphic terms..." "I didn't send any.." >clickety< >click<...... "No, you didn't did you? But who can tell these days. Not to worry though, It'll all be over VERY soon.." >clickedy clikc< "..change my username back, and..." "b-b-b.." he blubs, like a stood-up date "Goodbye now" I say pleasantly, "you've got bags to pack and a life to start over..." I hang up. Two seconds later the red phone goes. I pick it up, it's the boss. He mumbles the username of the person I was just talking to, mentions something about a nasty mail message, and utters the words "You know what to do...", with the dots and everything. Later, inside the Municipal Energy Authority Computer, as I'm modifying the poor pleb's Energy Bill by several zeros, I can't help but think about what lapse of judgement - what act of heinous stupidity causes them to call. Then, even later, when I'm adding the poor pleb's photo image over the top of the FBI's online "MOST Wanted Armed and Dangerous, SHOOT ON SIGHT" offenders list, I realise, I'll probably never know; but life goes on. A couple of hours later, as I see the SWAT vehicle roll up outside the poor pleb's apartment I realise that for some, it just doesn't. But tommorrow is another day. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #4 It's a thursday, and I'm in a good mood. It's payday. I think I'll take some calls. I put the phone back on the hook. It rings. "I've been trying to get you for hours!" the voice at the other end screams "Not, it can't be hours" I say, putting Blade Runner back into it's cover and looking at the back, "it was more like 114 minutes. I was on a long phone call with the big boss, trying to get you users some better facilities" Hook; Line; and Sinker... "Oh. I'm sorry." "That's ok, I'm a tolerant person" I make a mental note to change his password to something nasty in the next couple of days. "Um, I need to know how to rename a file" he says. Oh dear... Hang on, it's payday isn't it?! I'm in a good mood. "Sure. You just go 'rm' and the filename" "Thanks" "No worries" (Now I'm in a REALLY good mood. I think I just might write that script to make saving impossible on rogue at random times like I've been think- ing about) The phone rings again. "Hello?" "Hi there" I say "Is this the Operators?" "Yes it is" I say, nice as pie "Could you get my printouts out please. I need them urgently, and I printed them over 5 minutes ago" "Your username?" I ask He gives it to me, and I write it down for later. "No worries at all!" I say, and head to the printers. There's a HUUUUUUUGE pile of printouts there, and sure enough, his is at the top of the pile. I pick it up, split it out of the rest and pour our ink- stained cleaning alcohol all over it, run it over a couple of times with the loaded tape trolley then slam it in the tape safe door some times as well. Beautiful. "Here's your printout" I say "Sorry about the delay, we've got a few printer problems." He takes a look and shits himself. "Well, can I print it again?" he asks, worried "Sure you can" I say "But no promises, the printer's a bit stuffed today" "Well can I print it on laser - is that working?" "Yeah of course, but that'll cost you" I say, oozing compassion for the geek "It doesn't matter about the cost, THIS IS URGENT!" I slide-on back into the printer room and put in the toner cartridge we save for special occasions - the one that prints thick black lines down the middle of the page and is all faint on one side. It took me quite a while to make it like that too. The printout shoots through and I bring it out immediately - I don't want to miss this! "W-w-what's happened to my printout?" he geek-squeals at me. Lucky I wrote that username down - I'm really starting to develop a taste for torture. "Well nothing. I mean sure, it's a little soiled, but that cartridge has already done 47 thousand pages and been refilled 17 times. It's quite good compared to some we get" Geek pays up and starts blubbing. "Hey now. There's no reason to cry! Have you got a disk with your work on it?" He gives me a box of diskettes and I step inside and run them across the bulk eraser. I come back out again. "Sorry, I just remembered, our machine is on the fritz, you'll have to take these to the other side of campus to the machine there, it'll print them ok, and it had a brand-new toner yesterday." "GREAT!" "No worries. Oh, and hold the disks above your head the whole way there, the earth's magnetic field is particularly strong today." "Huh?" "No arguements, just do it." He wanders off, hand held high. Shit I hate myself sometimes. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #5 I'm bored senseless, so I pass the time by reading users email. I must admit that today's lot is PARTICULARLY boring, not one good message in all of them. I was expecting at LEAST some veiled reference to a grope in a storeroom, but nothing. So I'm bored senseless by the usual drivel about some relative's surgery and how the weather is over the other side of the world - that sort of crap. To relieve the boredom, I remove a e-mail party invite from a user's mail and post it under the senders username to to alt.singles.with.severe.social. dysfunctions on news, and make a note in my diary to be there with my camcorder. Should be a blast! Next in line is the online medical records database, in which the company doctors store the current medical histories of the staff. I grep it quickly for "herpes" and "syphillus" and sell the results to the local scum newspaper. I cover my tracks by adding an entry to one of the doctor's online electronic diarys for yesterday saying "$500, Med Recs To Paper" I think that's all it should take.. I move some tapes from the racks to the trolley to make it look like we really use them, then start looking thru archie listings for a hidden x-gif site. I find one then start a batch job running under some user's account to get them all back, charged to him. I make sure he's got enough disk for the job by removing any files not related to the task at hand. Like all those "Doctorate Final Report" papers that have got quite large in the last couple of weeks. I go back to the mail now, as something's bound to have happened. I do a grep on all mail files for the words "pregnant" and "family way", and post them anonymously to the local general interest newsgroup. Then, before anything can happen, the power goes out! The next second, the phone rings. "Hello?" I say, annoyed - the coyote was just about to kill roadrunner again! "Has the comput.." I hang up. This is a matter of life or death. Quick as I can I rip the computer power cable out of the UPS and plug the TV in. Damn! Wylie missed again! Meantime, all the alarms are going off like crazy as the disks spin down, but that's ok, because my Mac and Terminal are hardwired to the UPS in any case; and I'm at the Beer Factory level in Dark Castle too. The phone rings, so I pull the PABX breaker on the UPS switchboard and it stops. Now to look like I'm working. I break out the puck and the hockey stick and play a little one-on-wall. From the observation window it'll look like I'm being blindingly efficient, as per usual. 10 Minutes later, the power is back and we're two HDA's down, but what the hell, I haven't lost a man, I'm onto the final screen, and there's more cartoons! The phone rings, it's a luser. (What a surprise) "Computer Room" I say, being efficient "Hello, when will the compu..." I hang up. I'm doing well in the screen, all I need do is get past the wizard who throws spells at you and I'm in! The phone rings again. I put it on hands free "Computer Room" I shout, still deep in the game. "I've lost my files" a user whines over the loudspeaker "You bet you have" I say, as my concentration lapses just long enough for me to get zapped by the wizard. "What was your username?" I say, all sweetness and smiles He tells me, I look, and he's right. Shit, and I didn't even do it! Not to be outdone, I change his login directory to the null device, set his path to "." and redefine the command "news" to execute a script in his old login directory to send a nasty message to the equal opportunities officer, then delete itself. Now that's trying! +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #6 It's friday, so I get into work early, before lunch even. The phone rings. Shit! I turn the page on the excuse sheet. "SOLAR FLARES" stares out at me. I'd better read up on that. Two minutes later I'm ready to answer the phone. "Hello?" I say. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOU ALL MORNING?!" I hate it when they shout at me early in the morning. It always puts me in a bad mood. You know what I mean. "Ah, yes. Well, there's been some solar activity this morning, it always disrupts electronics..." I say, sweet as a sugar pie. "Huh? But I could get through to my friends?!" "Yes, that's entirely possible, solar activity is very unpredictable in it's effects. Why last week, we had some files just dissappear from a guys account while he was working on it!" "Really?" "Straight Up! Hey, do you want me to check your account?" "Yes please, I've got some important stuff in there!" "Ok, what's your username..." He tells me. Honestly, it's like shooting a fish in a barrel. Twice. With an Elephant Gun. At point blank range. In the head. (Do I really need to tell you the clicky clicky bit? I think not) "How many files are in your account?" I ask "Um, well there should be about 20 in my thesis writeup, 10 or so with the data for it, and another 20 or so in a book that I'm writing" "Hmmm. Well, I think we caught it just in time. You've still got 2 files left... .cshrc and .login" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhh!" He sobs into the receiver a bit - it really turns my stomach. "What can I do?" he sniffs "Ok, do you have any of your stuff backed up on floppy?" "Some, but it's weeks old!" I fire up the bulk eraser. "Ok" I say "How about I come out and load all that data onto your account pronto so you can get some work done?" "That'd be great, but it's all at home" he wimpers. "I spose I'll just load it all in myself tonight" "Sure. But remember what I said, solar flares are bad for disks and machines. Protect your disks from solar activity to prevent them losing their data" "How do I do that? Wrap them in tin-foil?" "NO! TIN FOIL'S THE WORST THING! YOU KNOW WHAT TIN FOIL DOES IN A MICROWAVE DON'T YOU?!" "Yes.." "Then don't use it. There's only one thing that protects disks from solar activity.." "What's that?" "MAGNETS. Wrap your disks up in a pillow case with lots of magnets - Solar Flares hate that" "Wow! Thanks" "No worries at all..." Shit I'm good!
english.162 mladenp,
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #8 So I manage AT LONG LAST, to get a couple of hours off for lunch, AND, because I can't leave my desk unattended, I get the janitor in and have him sit in my chair. I tell him that all he has to do is make sure the receiver doesn't accidentally get put back on the hook. He agrees and I'm off. First stop, the bank. I change a $50 note into quarters and then ask to see a balance of my account. Then I yank the power lead out of the teller's vdu. It dies. I say I'm in a hurry and is the manager around? He rolls over like a man-sized twinkie and asks what the problem is. I say that all I want is a balance of my accounts. I cross my fingers. YES! He finds the vdu lead out, plugs it in, and logs in, TO THE MANAGER'S ACCOUNT. Now's my chance - I slip up against the counter, slopping 200 coins across the counter. The manager ignores it, but all the tellers dive for the money. I watch, unobserved, as the manager types in his password at the breakneck speed of one character a minute. At that rate I should've got $100 worth.... He finishes typing. "MONEY". What a toughy! Well, that's my mortgage taken care of tonight... A user that I recognise from "D(eletion) day '89" approaches. I think he's going to talk to me. Even the bank manager is shaking his head furiously. But it's too late, he stops. "Um, excuse me, Could you tell me what is the best computer to buy to do my thesis on? ?! Right. "You've heard of Commodore 64's?" I ask "Yes?.." "Avoid them like the plague! Not many people know this, but computers aren't made to handle that much memory - it's over 64,000 things, more in some cases. It's a recipe for disaster!" "Oh!" "Try something safe and proven. A ZX81 with dual cassette drive if you can get it. The 1K ram model. Write that down. Don't buy a disk drive - You know how they're always failing, but music cassettes last forever!" "Hey thanks!" "No worries. What was your username again?" He tells me. Just in time for D-Day 92. You'd think they'd learn. I get back to work and the janitor's asleep at the terminal. I ask him if he wants to work here too, but he likes the ability to bust in on people when they're in the toilet... I put the phone back on the hook, and straight away it rings. I hate it when it does that, it takes me AGES to get my walkman phones in. It's the hottest hosemonster I've ever met, and she's got a computer problem! I love it when that happens! "What's your username?" I ask She tells me (as if I didn't know) Quick as I can I read all her e-mail (mostly boring stuff), then grep everyone else's mail files for her username. Nothing. Excellent! "What's the problem?" I ask, all smiles and charm. "I can't save my documents, it says something about space." "Not a problem for long" I say, and delete everyone else on the same disk as her. "You should be fine now.." "Thank you so much" she gushes. I make a mental note to do something to her account again tomorrow. "No worries." The phone rings almost before I've got it on the hook. "My files are all gone!" a voice whines out at me. "When did this happen?" I ask. "Just now..." he says, through the tears "I see. Well, I wouldn't worry, there's three days till the end of the semester, if you work day and night until then, you should get at least a C-" He sobs a couple more times then hangs up. What a wimp. THE PHONE RINGS AGAIN! "The screen on my PC is really dim" The woman at the other end says "Should I wind the brightness knob up?" "NO!" I scream "Don't touch that knob! Have you any idea of the radiation that comes out of that thing when the knob gets wound up?!!!!" "Well I..." she says, all uncertain "TAKE MY ADVICE!" I say "There's only ONE way to fix a dim display, and that's by power surging the drivers" The words "power surging" and "drivers" have got her. People hear words like that and go into dummy mode and do ANYTHING you say. I could tell her to run naked across campus with a powercord rammed up her backside and she'd probably do it... Hmmm... "Have you got a spare power cord?" "No.." "Oh well, never mind, we'll have to do the power surge idea... Ok, quick as you can, I want you to flick the power switch of your PC on and off 30 times" "Should I take my disks out?" "NO! Do you want to lose all your data!?!" "Oh. No! Ok.." I listen carefully.. .. ...clicky..clikcy...clikky.. .. .. ...clicky. ...cliccy.. . . BOOM! Amazing, it probably made it to 27 - the power supply usually shits itself at 15 or so... "MY COMPUTER BLEW UP!!!" she screams at me down the line "Really? Must've been a dodgy power supply! Lucky we found out now! Is your machine still under warranty?" "NO!" "Dear oh dear. Well, Best get it repaired then. Did you backup your files?" "Yes, to the system, Yesterday, but all this morning's work is gone!" "Oh dear. What was your username, I'll just check that your backups worked ok?" She tells me.... ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #8 I'm at my desk as usual, and a user calls. "Hello Computer Room, Simon here, How can I help" I answer "I can't get into my account!" A user mumbles at me. "What was your username please?" I say They give me their username. No worries. I look in their account. "No worries, it was just a badly made login file. I've fixed it, you should be able to login." "Thanks!" "No worries. Have a nice day!" WHAT IS THIS? you're asking yourself. Has the BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL turned over a new leaf? Sold out?! GONE INSANE?!!! Nope. The BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL is being logfiled. And if that's happen- ing, I'm being bugged as well. So I'm being nice till I can find the bugs. It shouldn't be long - bear with me. Ah. One in the phone handpeice. Basic. But then the boss is a sneaky sort, so there's probably a couple more. Ah! And another in the base of the phone and one inside my keyboard. Time for a mad coffee-spilling frenzy. This is a big job, so I bring the whole jug over and wait for a witness. The System Manager comes in. "Where's that report of mine?" he asks in a surly manner - he's obviously pissed that I haven't implicated myself yet. Antagonist Identified. As the Principal of "BASTARD OPERATOR SCHOOL" (me) will tell you, "There's no problem so large it can't be solved by killing the user off, deleting their files, closing their account and reporting their REAL earnings to the IRS" I pull his printout from under the coffee jug where I put it, and the coffee splashes all over the phone and keyboard, which for some reason were stacked on top of each other. "Woopsy!" I say, mock horror on my face. The System Manager's face tells me I was right in my guess. "Don't think you'll get away with this!" he snarls and stomps off. I click on the ethernet monitor and watch the traffic coming out of his PC. Ah! A memo, authorising the termination of my contract, going to the laser in the director's office. I make a few alterations to the file in the spool directory and let it go to it's destination. I run my dinky little program that deposits -522 to the PC and our mainframe shits itself. Later, while booting, I'll remove that nasty logfile business. Next, I wander into the comms room and plug my earphone into the spare RS232 port in the Directors office. It's amazing how simple it is to bug an office once it's got data lines going to it! Director: "Are you sure about this?" SysMgr: "OF COURSE!" Director: "You don't want to reconsider?" SysMgr "NEVER!" Director: "Very well, I'll fax it to staffing now.." SysMgr "EXCELLENT!" Two seconds later the System Manager strolls in smiling. "Well, I'll really miss you Simon.." he says, full of himself. "Oh?" I say, all sweetness and charm "Where are you going?" "No Simon" he says, with glee "You're going" "A PROMOTION!" I say "You've finally written that letter to the head of staffing telling him he's a bum-sucking arse bandit and that you quit?" "No..." "Are you sure? It's much better than the one about me being fired.." "Y.." His eyes widen slightly It's like clubbing a seal to death with a foam cushion. He runs to stop the fax. Only, having just resigned, >clicky cklikcy< his card key no longer works... Ametuers... The Phone rings. It's the same guy as before "I can get into my account now, but I've run out of disk" "Hang on, I'll see what I can do" >clicccky<... rm -r * ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #9 I'm driving to work and I'm stuck behind this old guy, the classic slow driver from hell, whose car red-lines at 20 mph and can't take corners at more than 5. I honk my horn but his hearing aid's probably turned way down to "whisper", so I'm stuck. I make a mental note of his license plate. In fact, I did that 60 times a minute for 15 and a half minutes. Oh dear.. oh dear.... Looks like another call to the DMV Database to register a vehicle as stolen by out of town arms dealers... I get to work, flick the excuse page over. "ELECTROMAGNETIC RADIATION FROM SATTELLITE DEBRIS". Fair enough, it looks like it's going to be a good day. I log into "FUCKYOU", (the help-desk enquiries username) and go into mail. There's 3 new messages, the first of which is 117 lines long, so it's obviously a storyteller. Shit, I hate that. Instead of saying "My account needs more disk space" they tell you about how they're doing this bit of research for a lecturer and how it's got to be in yesterday, and they almost had it but their second cousing twice removed had a perforated herpes scab and lost a lot of blood and had to be rushed into hospital... etc etc. I delete the message. Second message I read, but it's one of those people who can't handle the mail interface and send a null message, so all you get is headers. I reply to the message saying "No worries, we can do that by next tuesday". Hope it was important. The last message I leave for tommorrow, because Saturday would be a dull day if I ever had to work then. The phone rings. I thought I'd fixed that! I put it on hands free so I can slop some pizza into the microwave. "Yes" I call "Something's wrong with my Boot disk, I can't login to the server" "Have you got your disk with you?" "Sure!" I go get the disk and put it and the pizza in for 5 minutes on "ULTRA-NUKE". Six minutes later, he rings back. "It still doesn't work, and now my disk makes a funny noise and smells." "OH SHIT! It's that electromagnetic radiation from satellite debris again!" "Really? I think I heard about that!" (What a tool!) "Yep, I'm sorry, you'll have to buy another disk" "Oh, that's ok, I don't mind, the old one was getting worn. Thanks" "Sure, no worries. And be sure to run it through our virus checker FDISK when you get a lot of important data on it..." "I will! Thanks!" "That's Ok - it's my job!" Xcbzone is running really slow so I kill off a whole lot of database backends that seem to be hogging all the cpu and get back into my game. Much better. It isn't easy on the frontline, work work work... I go to the cafeteria for a quick 2 hour snack - they're so nice to me there. They always have been, ever since that computer glitch that registered their kitchen as an organ recipient - very messy. I grab a couple of cans of coke and some cheese things and cruise on back to the office via the first year computer funamentals lab. I look in the window on the scene that unfolds it- self to me - a lab full of first years with no demonstrator. WELL I'LL JUST HAVE TO HELP! I walk on in. "Right, I'm your temporary replacement demonstrator and today we're going to put our assignments aside for half an hour to learn about the REMARK function, or, as it's known to the computer literate world, rm.." I should have been a teacher you know - I've got this way with people... +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #10 I get invited to a lecture as a guest speaker in "Computing Operations Fund- amentals", so I leave the control room in the capable hands of Sam, the janitor and cruise on down. The lecture starts and goes ok, then there's a 10 minute period where students get to ask a "real operator" questions that they have about operations. I get out my pad and pen. "Before we get started" I say, "could you just call out your username before you ask me a question, I find it easier to apply your problem to terms you would understand better" The lecturer eats all this up - the personal touch really gets to them. "First Question, You over there.." "What do you think of the privacy of individuals on a shared system?" "What was your username please?" "CMS1103" >Scratchy scritch< "Computer Privacy... Hmmm. This is a toughy really. You mean stuff like reading the email between you and your counsellor about you not wanting to come out of the closet?" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGH!" "AH. Well, he seems to have left - must have picked a bad COMPLETELY RANDOM example. Next question. You, over there..." "CMS1136. I was.." "Ah yes, 1136 the only person on campus who subscribes to alt.sex.buggery.by. sailors.dressed.in.mums.clothing" "It's purely for research purposes!" "I'm sure it is. You do a lot of story posting for a researcher don't you?" "NNGggggAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHGH!" "Next please..." ... .. Two minutes later, the lecture theatre's empty. That's the problem with students today, they just don't want to learn. I go back to control and Sam's asleep at the console again. I think he's after my job. I make a mental note to tap into the salary database and cancel his health and accident insurance payments. You can't be too careful.. I put the phone on the hook for the first time this afternoon and it starts ringing almost immediately. THAT'S IT! I redirect it to 911 catch a bit of shuteye. That'll teach them. OOPS! Almost forgot to turn over the excuse calendar. "STATIC FROM NYLON UNDERWEAR" Nope, too plausable - although in some cases I could do an on-site check. Nah, can't be stuffed. I'll pick another one. "STATIC FROM PLASTIC SLIDE RULES" Now THAT'S one with a challenge! I un-redirect the phone and drag the rubbish bin so it rests on the printer's stacker - another job well done. The phone rings - this could be the big one! "Hello?" "Hi, Um, how do I spell-check my file?" "Simple, just type `spell' and the filename" "Thanks" I'm so bloody nice this morning. Especially as I know that my version of spell introduces errors instead of detecting them. Things like changing friend to freind and vice-versa. What the hell. The phone rings - it's them again. "There's something wrong with spell" "What makes you think that?" "Because my file is all corrupt now!" "That doesn't sound like spell to me. Are you logged into thru PC?" "Yes, but I can.." "Please, leave the technical diagnosis to me... Now, is there a plastic ruler somewhere on or in the desk?" "Um >clunka<, yes..." "Right. You've got a static buildup on your hard-drive caused by the changing electrostatic field generated by the ruler - the same one that makes bits of paper stick to it when you rub it up and down your arm..." DUMMY MODE ON "Oh. What do I do?" "You know how you get paper off a ruler by hitting it on a table lots of times? Well do that with your PC. Say 20 times - lift it about a foot off the desk & drop it." "Oh. OK" >crash< >crash< >crash< "Um, the screen went dark" "That's ok, it's supposed to do that - keep going. And when you're finished, do the screen as well, that static may have gone up the wires to it." >crash< >crash< >crash<... I hang up. I get up and go out to the public area to put honey in the floppy drives when a guy who looked like Lee Harvey Oswald runs up to me and shoots me, only the sound comes from the machine room, and I can hear the ex System- Managers chuckle.... Later, in the ambulance, I realise. I forgot to get the guys username... Then everything goes dark --
english.163 kermit,
Svaka čast za Bastard Operator-a. Pogiboh od smeha, plakao sam koliko je surovo ;)))))
english.164 dusan,
U avionu na 8 hiljada metara oba pilota počinju da se smeju ko blesavi, urlaju od smeha. Prilazi jedan putnik i pita: -Momci, pa zašto se toliko smejete? +Pa mislimo šta će da kažu u ludnici kad ustanove da smo pobegli!
english.165 ndragan,
/ +Pa mislimo šta će da kažu u ludnici kad ustanove da smo pobegli! Ako neko misli da ovo nije bilo na engleskom, nek pogleda onaj plus na početku reda. Tako nešto samo englezi mogu da smisle.
english.166 dejanr,
LORD give me patience but make it quick Death is natures way of telling you to slow down Women like simple things in life ... like men Peace is the time between wars [RCUM::EXTBENO "Beno Janzek"]
english.167 dejanr,
As a teaching assistant, I have heard some interesting excuses for late homework, but this one made me consider actually giving an extension. "My lab partner's magnetic personality made the disk unreadable."
english.168 dejanr,
11) Q: What does having sex with fat girls and riding mopeds have in common? A: They are both fun until a friend sees you 14) Q: What's the hardest thing for an AIDS victim? A: Convincing his mother that he is Haitian. 22) Q: What can a girl put behind her ears to make her look sexy? A: Her knees 25) Q: How did Helen Kellers parents punish her? A: They left the plunger in the toilet bowl 29) Q: What would you call a girl who is fat and perverted? A: A bisexual built for two 49) Q: What goes click click, did I get it, click click, did I get it, click click, did I get it? A: Stevie Wonder doing the Rubix Cube. 57) Q: How many Poles does it take to start a car? A: Five. One to steer, one to work the pedals, two to push and one to sit under the hood saying "Va-room, Varoom". 58) Q: What are the two biggest Polish lies? A: The check is in the mouth I promise not to come in the mail 59) Q: What is the definition of "indiscreet"? A: Where a black man parks his car. 60) Q: What is the difference between a black and a bicycle? A: A bicycle doesn't start to sing "Kumbaya, my Lord" when you chain it to the wall. 61) Q: What are 5 words you never want to hear? A: I be yo new neighba 62) Q: What is the new disease striking all Jewish women? A: MAIDS - if they don't get one - they die. 64) Q: What do Somalians use venetian blinds for? A: Bunk beds 65) Q: What do Yoko Ono and Somalians have in common? A: They both live off dead beetles 68) Q: How do you start a fire without matches? A: Hold a piece of toilet paper behind a fat girl wearing corduroys 72) Q: Whats the definition of a metallurgist? A: A man who can tell if a platinum blonde is a virgin metal or a common ore 78) Q: Why hasn't a Puerto Rican ever won the Nobel Prize for Literature? A: The committee won't go to New York City to read the side of a subway train 79) Q: Why did the Pollack castrate himself? A: He wanted to win the "No-Ball" Prize 80) Q: How does the newspaper report Puerto Rican social events? A: "Among those wounded by gunshots were..." 81) Q: Whats the difference between Poland and yogurt? A: Yogurt has culture 83) Q: What is unique about presidents Washington and Jefferson? A: They are the last two white men to have those names 85) Q: What appears these days on the sides of Vaseline jars? A: Pictures of missing homosexuals 90) Q: What do black people and vaginas have in common? A: They both have big lips, curly hair, and twenty minutes after they're washed, they smell the same as before. 91) Q: What's the difference between a hematologist and a urologist? A: One pricks your finger... 93) Q: What do you get when cross a lawyer with a hooker? A: I don't know, but when it sucks your cock, it doesn't stop until it draws blood. 94) Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a chicken? A: One clucks defiance while the other... 98) Q: What do you call a 6'6" black, with a 3" prick who can't play basketball? A: Useless 99) Q: What does the proper gay waiter say to another gay in a restaurant? A: "May I push your stool in, sir?" 100) Q: What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? A: You don't have to beg your girlfriend to blow your paycheck. 105) Q: What's the difference between a whore and a bitch? A: A whore screws everyone, a bitch screws everyone except you. 108) Q: Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts? A: They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are alway playing with them. 110) Q: What do you call a woman who has PMS and ESP? A: A bitch who thinks she knows it all. 111) Q: What does a computer science graduate say to a humanities graduate? A: I'll have the burger and fries, please. 112) Q: Why is it better Jesus was crucified than electrocuted? A: Because priests would look stupid wearing chairs around their necks. 117) Q: Why don't men respect women? A: How could you respect something that bleeds for five days and lives!?! 118) Q: How many male chauvenists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. Let the bitch cook in the dark. 119) Q: What is the primary objective of a street gang member? A: To pronounce the word "motherfucker" in one syllable. 120) Q: Why does Mike Tyson have tears in his eyes during sex? A: Mace [UBBG::ESOKIC]
english.169 dejanr,
>From a collection of kids' opinions on the campaign, as quoted in the Chicago Tribune, 11/3/92. "I feel Clinton's opposing the Vietnam War isn't an issue, and I probably would have done the same. As far as Clinton supposedly cheating on his wife, what do people think he's going to do? Be president of another country while he's president of ours?" Tom R., age 12, Woodstock, IL
english.170 dejanr,
[Following is from a letter to the editor of "Frequent Flyer" magazine, October 1990, written by Carl Macina and attributed to him and a co-flyer, Ron Miller:] Murphy's Laws for Frequent Flyers 1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight. 2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal. 3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed. 4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world. 5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. 6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers. 7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory. 8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you. 9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you. 10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
english.171 ndragan,
Adam 'n' Eve in paradise, sleeping, their heads pointing to the west. At dawn, Eve looks east and says: -It' rising! A bit later: -Oh you idiot! I meant the sun was rising!
english.172 dejanr,
>From: lnd@csa.bu.edu (Levin) Subject: Logicians' jokes Heard at 1992 Europ. Summer Meeting of Assn. of Symb. Logic. Author unknown. 1. In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is. 2. Profound Truth differs from simple truth in that the negation of a simple truth is a simple falsehood, while the negation of a Profound Truth may be another Profound Truth. E.g. a button with "Life is just as simple as it seems" on one side and "Life is not as simple as it seems" on the other. -- This is a true story ... I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost. Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click. "Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks ..."
english.173 bearboy,
= THE TRAGEDY OF AN ON-LINE ADDICTION = - by Steve King - "Did you know that last month's (expletive) phone bill is over $450?" my wife scolded me in her harshest, my-husband-the-child voice. "That's more than twice the monthly payment you make for that (expletive) computer!" she continued as she escalated to screaming. "I confess! I confess!" I sobbed. "I'm just an on-line junkie -- I'm addicted to my modem! I guess I'll just have to join Modems Anonymous before I owe my soul to the phone company." As a counselor for Modems Anonymous, I hear numerous variations of the preceding story every day. That insidious disease, modem fever, is exacting a tragically large toll from the cream of our society's computer users. Modem-mania is sweeping through the very foundations of our country and there seems to be no stopping it. This disease (yes, it is a social disease of almost epidemic proportions) is becoming a such calamity that soon there's even going to be a soap opera about on-line addiction named, "All My Modems." If you don't already own one of those evil instruments called a modem, take warning! Don't even think about buying one. Modem fever sets in very quietly; it sneaks up on you and then grabs you by the wallet, checkbook or, heaven forbid, credit cards. Once you own a modem, you enter the insidious addictive trap by "dialing up" a friend who also has a modem. For some strange reason, typing messages to each other fascinates you. (Even if it is less than 10% of the speed that you can speak the same words over a normal voice phone link.) Of course, you make several attempts at hooking up before you finally figure out that at least one of you must be in the half-duplex mode; that discovery actually titillates you (sounds impossible, but it's true). Then your modem-buddy (friend is too good a term) sews another seed on the road to on-line addiction by giving you the number of a local RBBS (Remote Bulletin Board Service). Once you get an RBBS phone number, you've taken the first fatal step in a journey that can only end in on-line addiction. After you take the next step by dialing up the the RBBS your modem-buddy told you about, you find that it's very easy to "log-on." This weird form of conversation with an unattended computer is strangely exciting, much more so than just typing messages when you're on-line with your modem-buddy. The initial bulletins scroll by and inform you about the board, but you're too "up" to comprehend most of it. Then you read some of the messages in the message section and maybe, in a tenative manner, you enter one or two of your own. That's fun, but the excitement starts to wear off; you're calming down. Thinking that it might be worthwhile to go back and re-read the log-on bulletins, you return to the main RBBS menu. Then it happens. The RBBS provides the bait that entices you all the way into the fiery hell of modem addiction. As you look at the RBBS main menu to learn how to return to the log-on bulletins, you find an item called FILES. By asking your host computer for FILES, you thread the bait onto the hook of corruption; the FILES SUBMENU sets the hook. You start running with the line when you LIST the files; you leap into the air with the sheer joy of the fight when all those public domain program titles and descriptions scroll by. They're FREE!!! All you have to do is tell the bulletin board to download (transmit) them to you. You download your first program and you're landed, in the creel, cleaned and ready for the cooking fires. In just 55 minutes after you logged-onto the board, you've downloaded six programs, one of them is Andrew Fleugelman's PC-Talk, version 3 (truly an instrument for evil). RBBSLIST.DOC, which is also among the files you downloaded, contains a list of a great number of bulletin boards throughout the country. (There's evil all around us, constantly tempting us!) You print the list and find about 60 RBBS phone numbers. (Have mercy on our souls!) The list also gives you the hours of operation, communications parameters and informs you about each board's specialty. You decide to try PC-Talk and use it to dial-up an RBBS about three states away. Since the line is busy, you pass the time entering all those RBBS phone numbers into PC-Talk's voluminous dialing directory. You try the number again -- still busy. You think, "Hey, there's one that specializes in Pascal programs. Maybe I'l try it. It's about half-way across the country, but it's after 5pm and the phone rates have changed. It won't be too expensive." The Pascal board answers. After 45 minutes you've downloaded another five programs. Then you call another board -- only this one's completely across the country from California, in Florida. And so it goes on into the night... And the next night... And the next... Some days it gets to you. You begin to feel the dirtiness of modem addiction, particularly when your wife makes you feel like a child by berating you for those astronomical phone bills -- if she hasn't divorced you by then. Every time you sit down before your IBM PC to do some work, you dial up another RBBS instead. If that one's busy, you call another, and another, until you connect. Then you feel OK, almost "high." When you finally hang up, you still can't work; you can only dial up another RBBS. Your downfall as an on-line addict is just another one of this society's terrible tragedies, such as polygamy or the compulsion to circle all the numbers on computer magazine "bingo cards." Eventually your whole social life relies upon only the messages you find on electronic bulletin boards; your only happiness is the programs you have downloaded. (You never try any of them, you only collect them.) Hope exists, however. We, the dedicated but under-paid staff of Modems Anonymous, have done extensive research to find a cure for modem mania, which has been ruining hundreds of lives. And we have succeeded in our quest. The cure is really quite simple, yet effective: Set up your own remote bulletin board service. Then all the other modem addicts will phone you, and their wives can nag at them about $450 phone bills. And you can find peace -- at last.
english.174 dejanr,
The Witty Answering Machine Message List 1 "We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express account number and we'll get back to, pending credit approval." 2 "You have reached the <city>,<state> Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missle Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of targets and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day." 3 "Hello. This is Chris. John and Mike aren't here right now, but if you leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can." 4 [imitating Ensign Chekov] "Oh, sair...it was *Khan*! He made us say things...do things...he kept us from answering the phone! But Keptin was strong, and if you leave your name and number, Keptin will get back to you as soon as he can!" <BEEP> 5 [imitating Mr. Rogers] "Hello. I'm in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure...I knew you could." <BEEP> 6 Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if... Matt: Steve, what are you doing? Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here. Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn. Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn. Matt: No, you're incorrect. It's definitely my turn. Steve: You fool. I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you doing with that frying pan?!? BONK [really loud thud] Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number. 7 "Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?" 8 "This is (#include phone.addr). We are not ... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of window breaking) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later." 9 "Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......" 10 A friend of mine at school has this message, read by three people while the STAR TREK theme plays in the background. 1: Room 17, the final frontier. 2: These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its 2 semester mission: to seek out your name and your telepohne number. 3: To boldly inform you to wait for the tone. 11 (Annoying flute music in background) Good day, Jim. Your contact, [insert name], is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim. 12 "Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name ...", etc. 13 "Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer." 14 In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church music <In a soft voice> Good Day My child, you have reached {name} dial a confession. At the tone if you will leave your name, number and short confession I will get back to you with your pennance. Thank you and may God go with you. <Beep> 15 Hi this is <name>. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back. 16 A friend was at a mutal friend's sister's house, and when she went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravely, horror-film voice he recorded, "HI, THIS IS KATHY, I'M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW. IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I'M FEELING BETTER." 17 I worked for a bit in the coastguard in Wales and I used to send weather reports to other bases, using a sort of antique FAX machine. I would call first on a special telephone and then send the data. They used to answer the pho ne with: " Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking." " Hartland home for lost whores." (that was Hartland CG) " Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?" " Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct: T minus one minute and counting" And then there was one phone we didn't use, with a number one off that of the local take-out. With my, non-British, accent I had some great fun with that phone. "Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?" (silence...click) "Vancouver coastguard, may I help you." British long distance rates are phenomenonal and I had this poor dude sputtering with horror that he had managed to make a long distance call by dialing five digits. 18 ---------------------------------------------------- This is one of my old ones that got a lot of laughs: <Phone Rings> Noisy pick-up of phone Uh...<wisperingly> Hello? Hi, I 'm a burgular and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll..uh, I'll post it on the 'frige where he'll see it. Uh.. by the way, where did you say you live? 19---------------------------------------------------- But right now I'm using "This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway." because I'm sick of people ringing the phone at 10am just so they can hear the clever messages I usually have, and then hanging up without even leaving a "like your message" message. Feh! 20---------------------------------------------------- [Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you. 21---------------------------------------------------- This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is supercilious ...} 22---------------------------------------------------- Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast. 23---------------------------------------------------- Also, on the subject of answering machins, my favorite tape was: "This is Jeff, you're not in now so I'll leave a message." Really confused people. 24---------------------------------------------------- A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.... 25------------------------------------------------ Hello. I can't come to the phone now because--HEY, GEORGE! DON'T STAND ON THAT--goddam. ...because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over <loud music cuts in>...BARBARA! HEY! DON'T FUCK WITH THAT!...over for dinner. After the tone...BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG...MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! ...shit...Leave a message after the tone...HEY, FUCKHEAD...<beep> 26------------------------------------------------ Hello. Lindsey's not home now--this is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible. 27_________________________________________________ My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. 28------------------------------------------------ Ring, Ring: The number you have xxx-xxxx (your number) has been changed, the new number is xxx-xxxx (again, your number). CULATA! 29------------------------------------------------ "Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! (your name here) can't come to the phone right now, because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera..." 30------------------------------------------------ One day I had a borrowed Casio sampler toy and used it to create a rather interesting one: Hello. You have reached Tooooommmmmm Tom Tm! Tom and MaMaMaMarMMMMaark's room. Tom is studying ssttuuddyyiinngg sssssssssssss and MaMark isn'isn'isn'isn't here. isn't here. P-P-Pleas! leave a messssssssage. Goodbye. 'bye! bye!bbyebybyyeyeyebbye {byes repeating at all different pitches} 31------------------------------------------------ Last year my roommate had a machine but he hated to make the outgoing message. Stage fright, I guess. So I usually made them. One that we usually used during exam time was: {background music: Billy Joel's _Pressure_ very loud} Hello. You have reached Tom and Mark's room. We're a little busy now... { BJ screams PRESSURE!!! } So, leave a message and we'll get back to you someday after (exam end date) { BJ: ONE TWO THREE FOUR PRESSURE!!! followed by a very out-of-tune BEEP! } 32------------------------------------------------ My favorite message that I ever had was the *real* message I recorded off 1-800-CALL-SPY, the U.S. army snitching network. Try it, its a great recording (call after 5 pm for the message). [Give it try! -pZ] 33------------------------------------------------ <Ring> In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans. <Husky, Soft female voice is best> Hi,... You've just reached {name} pleasure palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell but when we're done... we'll get back to you in whatever way we can. <Beep> You wouldn't believe how much explaining my mother wanted on that one... 34------------------------------------------------ [b.g. music is frantic, violin oriented] "hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. please leave a message..." etc. 35------------------------------------------------ [the quiet, eerie vocal part of 'hello, earth' by kate bush] (after about 30 seconds): "hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we can't come to the phone right now because we're at vespers. please leave a message..." etc. (30 more seconds of music before the beep.) 36------------------------------------------------ (Spoken in a granny voice) "Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot." Must be spoken in a drawl. 37------------------------------------------------ Well, this isn't strictly from an answering machine, but... >From Calvin and Hobbes: (phone rings) (you answer) Hello, this is <...> speaking. I'd like a large pizza with extra anchovies. (other person) What? (you reply) Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number. (hang up) Make everyone's day a little more surreal. 39------------------------------------------------ "I'm home right now . . . I'm just screening my calls. So just start talking and if you're someone I want to speak to I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say? 40------------------------------------------------ In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. [sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex] But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... [sound effect: dial tone] Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE! 41------------------------------------------------ "Hi, you have reached .... Please leave your name, phone number and a message and if we like it we will return your call". 42------------------------------------------------ However, the most effective one I have had so far can be used only one day per year: "This is David. I'm not using the phone over Yom Kippur, so please leave a message or call back after the holiday." No one wants to admit not having realized it was Yom Kippur or not knowing I would pick one holiday from the whole calendar on which to get observant, so everyone hangs up and leaves me no bad news or requests for favors. 43------------------------------------------------ "This is David. Talk." 44------------------------------------------------ "Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one." 45------------------------------------------------ [with a kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra" in the background...] "Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached..." [YA-DAAAAAAAAA!] "...the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can." 46------------------------------------------------ "Hello, this is Dr. Pangloss. If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number..." 47------------------------------------------------ "Hello?" <pause for a few seconds> "Sorry, he's not here right now, but if you leave a message, he'll get back to you." 48------------------------------------------------ (woman taped off a "phone sex" service) WOMAN : (seductively) Hi. I'm Linda. You know, it can be really lonely when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to ... YOU : (interupting) Oh cmon, Linda, give me the damn phone.. (then ask for a message) 49------------------------------------------------ Just after the earthquake a friend of mine put on his answering machine: "Hi, this is Jeff. We can't get to the phone right now because we were killed in the Earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually." BEEP My favorite post quake message: "Hi, we're not in cause we're out LOOTING! Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got." 50------------------------------------------------ "Hello, I'm not hear right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner." 51------------------------------------------------ Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to click off music, which gets quiet. sound of person running back to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!... uh huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I'll call you back. (this ran for a while until a friend threatened to kill us after she said she had a 2 minute conversation with the machine.) 52------------------------------------------------ "Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges." 53------------------------------------------------ "Speak, worm!" <beep> Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice. 54------------------------------------------------ "You know what to do at the tone." <beep> 55------------------------------------------------ "Hello?" <beep> This confuses anyone who doesn't know you. 56------------------------------------------------ "Hello, I'm not here." <beep> A friend of mine used this one last summer. I always answered it with "Okay, that's all I wanted to know." 57------------------------------------------------ Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John (Chris's boyfriend), Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the .... pope. Yeah that's it. <beep> 58------------------------------------------------ (in an Italian mafia-style tone:) "Hello. I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... <aside> HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, _you'll_hear_ from_Guido! ( a little laughter )... " 59------------------------------------------------ (To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate instrumental accompaniment) I just left home baby I'll be out fer a spell and if you don't leave a message baby you can go to <BEEP> 60------------------------------------------------ Hello, this is <insert your name here>. I'm home right now, and in a few moments, I'll have a decision to make. BEEEP! 61------------------------------------------------ [Theme from "Indiana Jones" in the background.] You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you. [Theme from "Indiana Jones" continues until the beep.] 62------------------------------------------------ Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. 63------------------------------------------------ One of my favorites had this very exciting scary music, along with a kitten crying in the background, and the voice goes: The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS.... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP 64------------------------------------------------ FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES...... ~~~ 65------------------------------------------------ Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... bear a... er... shalt not witness thy... uh... neighbor's ass, oh, I mean, false... er... shalt not commit a bear... dern... 66------------------------------------------------ How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!! 67------------------------------------------------ I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing. 68------------------------------------------------ I can't come to the phone now, so... hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you... 69------------------------------------------------ Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...! 70------------------------------------------------ After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding. 71------------------------------------------------ Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... 72------------------------------------------------ As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... the telephone is next to an answering machine... you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... you hear a beep... 73------------------------------------------------ You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. 74------------------------------------------------ No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! 75------------------------------------------------ This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test. 76------------------------------------------------ Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72... 77------------------------------------------------ [Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"] Leave a message... leave a message... etc. 78------------------------------------------------ Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible. 79------------------------------------------------ [For Shakespeare lovers only] So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee. 80------------------------------------------------ [VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal. [VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that. 81------------------------------------------------ I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message. 82------------------------------------------------ Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail! 83------------------------------------------------ Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry. 84------------------------------------------------ C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go! 85------------------------------------------------ I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks. 86------------------------------------------------ I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you. 87------------------------------------------------ Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible. 88------------------------------------------------ Ok, One more time... This is our answering machine... This is the message on our answering machine... ...Any questions? 89------------------------------------------------ Hi, can I speak to Mark?...Oh, there isn't?...I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number.
english.175 dejanr,
90------------------------------------------------ <beep, beep, beep> The number you have reached, Seven. Six. Seven. One. Two. Three. Four. [Use your number here.] has not been disconnected and is still in service. Please leave a message at the sound of the tone. 91------------------------------------------------ HANS: This is Hans FRANZ: And this is Franz, and we just want to... BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up HANS: But we are not at home, you know FRANZ: Ya, we are gone HANS: If you want us to... BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up HANS: You will leave a message after the beep FRANZ: If you don't leave a message, then you are Girlyman. HANS: Ya, Girlyman. And we don't talk to Girlyman, you know FRANZ: So leave a message and we will call to.. BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up 92------------------------------------------------ "Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY -- Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So . . . leave your name and number and tell us where *YOU* saw Elvis!" 93------------------------------------------------ "Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line where you can talk to me, Bren. I'll tell you all about how I'm suffering in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby of being a power forward for the Portland Trailblazers. I'll tell my deepest secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by short blonde sorority girls wearing short jean skirts, and you can decide whether or not I'm wearing pants. Selected callers will get to talk to me live. Since you're not one of them, leave your own personal secret at the beep. " 94------------------------------------------------ In a vaguely phoneco-operator voice: "I'm sorry, you have reached an imaginary number. Would you please rotate your telephone by ninety degrees and try your call again." A few people even got the joke... 95------------------------------------------------ "You have just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-important." 96------------------------------------------------ "Sherwood forest, which dear do you want?" "Lucifer speaking, who in the hell do you want?" "Heaven, God speaking." "Bridge, Kirk here." "City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em; You stab 'em, we slab 'em!" 97------------------------------------------------ "Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell." 98------------------------------------------------ "I've set up my answering machine so that when anyone calls, they here a busy signal." 99------------------------------------------------ If you are a burgler, then we are probably at home but can't come to the phone right now Otherwise, we probably aren't at home. 100------------------------------------------------ The number you've dialed is purely imaginary, multiply by i and dial again! 101------------------------------------------------ This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when. 102------------------------------------------------ " I'm Morley Safer." "I'm Harry Reasoner." "I'm ........ "And I'm" <the guy whose answering machine it was> " We're not home; leave a message." He had taped the audio of the beginning of 60 minutes; it sounded very funny. 103------------------------------------------------ "Greetings. You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic Films Unlimited. Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screen tests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the late John Holmes in our upcoming feature film "It's Not the Size That Counts but Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It." If you're interested in a screen test, or even if you're not, please leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work experience, both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of Cool Whip. Thank you for calling." 104------------------------------------------------ Another one I've done more than once is to slowly increase the pitch and speed of my voice while recording the message to make it sound like the machine is broken: (start, low pitch, slow) "Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy.... (middle, normal) ..home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark and Mike. Nobody's home... (later, high pitch, fast) ..butifyou'dliketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen... (end, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish) ..kkfjdkeirucjkljfkldjrioutjkjfdskoreudjfkleqBEEP!" 105------------------------------------------------ This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. 106------------------------------------------------ "E'llo." "My name is Inigo Montonya." "You killed my father." "Leave your name and number, and prepare to die." <beep> 107------------------------------------------------ My favorite that I have heard as an answering machine message is also from this movie. My friend recorded the section that goes something like: "I'm writing the definative work on pain, and I would like you to tell me how the machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity." 108------------------------------------------------ The message I currently have on my recorder is the output from my Amiga's speech sythesizer. It's set up as a dialog between two distict, but recognizably artificial voices. I thought it sort of mediocre myself, but have gotten quite a number of amused comments about it. ----- 1> Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now. 2> Yeah, nobody but us machines! 1> Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number... 2> ...and a message! You forgot about the message! 1> Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back. 2> ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug! 109------------------------------------------------ I taped theoperator saying "we're sorry. The number you have reached has been disconnected or is no longer is service..." 109------------------------------------------------ From Halloween this year: (Ominous electronic background music.) Hi, this is Jim. In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Oh, unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by? SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII... 110------------------------------------------------ (French monologue in the background) Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non". 111------------------------------------------------ Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone... 112------------------------------------------------ Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge. 113------------------------------------------------ (click) "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of _your_ voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation, however our staff of professional extortionists will be contacting you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you." (BEEEEEEEEEEEP) 114------------------------------------------- Message: Hi this is Craig's car phone. Craig's at home now, so you can try calling him there or leave a message after the beep. Caller's message: Hmmm. Car phone!?! I'll call back later when your out. -Koris Goudonov 115------------------------------------ Every now and then we are all pestered by these high-tech telemarketing companies where the sales pitch is usually disguised as a survey of some kind. The despicable thing about these things is that they won't leave you alone. If you hang up, they will just call back again. One day my wife got a call from one of these computer systems, and her answering machine answered. The conversation that followed was hilarious, as it consisted of two machines talking to each other without having the slightest idea about what each other was saying. The conversation wound up in an endless loop, as follows: [PHONE] *RING* [ANSWERING MACHINE] "...At the tone, please give your message. BEEEEEP." [PHONE] "Hello. This is [company_name], and we are taking a telephone survey ... when I ask a question, wait for the beep, then please speak plainly. I will repeat your answer back to you, and verify it. First, what is your phone number? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." (The answering machine, upon hearing the beep, got confused and thought it was a play-back command, and generated another beep in response.) [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [PHONE] "Thank you! Your phone number was 443-28347-47756-377764-22222. Is that correct? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any children? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [PHONE] Thank you! What is the age of your first child? BEEEEEEEEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [PHONE] "Your first child is 1,222 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [--------------- BEGIN ENDLESS LOOP ----------------] [PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any more children? BEEEEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [PHONE] "Thank you! What is this child's age? BEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [PHONE] "This child is 4,233 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [---------------------END LOOP -----------------------] My wife, upon noticing that the answering machine had been going for over half an hour, turned up the volume to find out what was going on. When she discovered this endless loop (by now she had over 200 children, all over 1,000 years old), she switched off the answering machine. The computer never called again. 115---------------------------------------------------- I had a friend who liked to play with the phones. He got his girlfriend to sound like an operator and make a tape saying: "I'm sorry, the number that has dialed you is not in service. Will you please hang up and let it dial again...<crackle> I'm sorry, the..." He had a lot of fun calling people up and playing it. 116---------------------------------------------------- I once answered the phone as follows. " San Luis Obispo Police, Sergeant McCallahan here, may I help you?" After about five seconds of dead air, I heard a click. About five minutes later, the phone rang again. This time my roomate answered. It was the same person that had called a few minutes earlier. It turned out that the long delay between calls was due to the fact that he had to mooch a quarter for his next call. He was at a public phone booth and had used his last quarter to call us. I don't think he talked civil to me for a week... 117---------------------------------------------------- My grandmother had been bothered by calls coming in after midnight, waking her, and forcing her out of bed and across the house to answer. Invariably, they were from the same man, seemingly slightly intoxicated, with bar-crowd noises in the background. He wanted to speak to Peggy, whoever that was, and my grand mother would tell him there was no Peggy living there, and that he must have the wrong number. But he wouldn't believe her, and kept insisting, begging, pleading, etc. to talk to Peggy. My Grandmother would have to just hang up finally. This went on for a few days, and late one night, when the phone rang, my Grandfather held back his wife, and said, "I'll take care of this", and got out of bed to answer the phone. The ensuing conversation was short and quick, and went something like this: "Hello?" "Hello, Can I speak to Peggy?" "No, I'm sorry, she can't come to the phone right now-- she's nursing the baby." 118---------------------------------------------------- Here's my favorite, for calling large offices and idiots-in-general: "Hello, is this the person to whom I am speaking?" 119---------------------------------------------------- My solution is upon realizing that I'm talking with a "telemarketing representative", I ask: "Are you a telemarketer?" The answer (suprisingly) is usually yes. I then go into a sales pitch to sell a (nonexistant) telephone ear-cusion. I insist that every telemarketer must have one for safety and comfort. Eventually, they'll forget to try selling me anything. 120---------------------------------------------------- A recent posting by Duke McMullan requested ways to repel telephone solicitors. My friend Pepe Tres from Texas told me this one and gave permission to post it: "My time is billed at $125 per hour. To continue this conversation, I must have your MasterCard or Visa number, card type and date of expiration." Pepe says it usually leaves them speechless. One guy replied, "Hey, that's good; I'll have to remember it." Once a supervisor of telephone solicitors called back and asked him if he was "some kind of high-powered lawyer." 121---------------------------------------------------- Everybody gets and dials wrong numbers. It's good to be nice about it. What goes around comes around, right? so, I try to reassure the apologetic and embarrassed wrong dialers that will actually converse once the error is discovered, with it going something like this: caller w. wrong number: "Gee, I'm sorry..." me: "That's OK, I was going to pick up the phone anyway.." 122---------------------------------------------------- How about the 'Fraudian Slip Answer'? Like this: <Whoever> here. What can I do to-----I MEAN-----FOR you? 123---------------------------------------------------- Try the following next time the phone rings: You (when you answer): Hello, is Jimmy there? Caller: No, I'm afraid you have a wrong number. You: Oh. Sorry. Caller: No problem... (click) 124---------------------------------------------------- (Use a strong east Indian accent) Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of (...). I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align properly. Oooooommmmmmmmmmmmm... 125 (heavy panting and breathing in the background), Oh! Sorry, I can't come (Oh! Yes! Do it to me) to the (Oh!) phone right now (pant pant), leave your name and number at the (scream) (I'm gonna come!!!!!) orgasm. 126 (1) "Hello, this is Ron. (pause) Hello? Hello!!? Nah, just kidding. This is an answering machine. (etc.)" 127 (2) "Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil." (background noise - open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) "OK, what would you like me to tell me?" 128 Also, something you might do after you've had the machine for a few months is start answering in person with "Hello, this is a live voice." (Variation on a theme by "The Cosby Show".) Or you could try answering your own phone with "Hello, is Ron there?" 129 I actually did this once when a call came in at an inopportune moment: I picked up the phone, said "Hi, this is Chris. I can't come to the phone right now, so please leave a message after the tone. -EEEEE-" -- that last being a tone-like sound - and the caller proceeded to leave name, phone number, and message, and hang up. I went back to what I'd been doing. Before I bought an answering machine, I thought I didn't need one. Then I started thinking up possible messages, and before long I had bought an answering machine just so I could put my messages on it. Here they are. There are plenty of them... ______________ 130 Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back. 131 Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...! 132 Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the persona and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike. 133 The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password. 134 We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again. 135 Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it... 136 Hi! You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the Nineties. You know what to do. 137 I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person. 138 Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've got to get him to the bathroom. Uh-oh! (Sound of a paper bag exploding.) 139 (After a power outage:) Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my answering machine. So, leave a message. 140 Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you. 141 Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air. 142 Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done.... (Cachunk!) 143 You've reached the S&M hotline. All our operators are tied up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you with your penance. 144 Thank you for calling Robert's House of Love. All of our customer service representatives are, er... busy servicing customers, so at the sound of the erotic tone, leave your name, number, and a short description of whatever turns you on... 145 You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me... 146 Hi, dudes, this is 229-3053, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles' secret underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we'll ring you right back. But don't say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely. 147 These words are lovely dark and deep But I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep So leave a message at the beep. 148 Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape. __________________________ 149 Dial some number at random. Ask: "May I speak to Kevin? Oh, wrong number? Could you please tell him that his pizza is ready?". Hang up. Dial the same number again 15 minutes later. In a different voice: "May I speak to Kevin? Oh, wrong number? Could you please tell him that John called?". Hang up. Repeat 10 times. On the eleventh: "Hi, this is Kevin. Did I get any messages?" ____________________________ 150 Dial a number. "Hello, this is your local telephone station speaking. We are sorry to tell you but we are having a terrible fire here at the station. The fire cannot be controlled, it is spreading over telephone cables and will reach your house in 5 minutes. So, if you don't want to burn down your house, hurry up and take your telephone receiver and throw it into a bucket of cold water!" Sometimes it works, and people do throw their receivers into water. It is especially amusing to play this joke on the people whom you intend to visit later in the day. That way you can come and inspect the damage. ___________________________ 151 "Hello, this is your local Zoo speaking. Do you like animals? We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower?" The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbour's bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle elephants." _______________________ 152 When you knock on somebody's door and they ask "Who is there?", a good reply is "And who is THERE?" ________________________ 153 Hello, this is Lee Iacoca. Today we are soliciting money for the United Negro College Fund, because a mind is a terrible thing... and they should be stopped before they hurt somebody. So please leave your credit card number after the beep. Thank you for your help. _______________________________ 154 I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine, maybe its a dream or maybe its an illusion and you don't really exist. One way to find out, leave a message and if its reality I will call you back. +---------------------------------+-------------------------------------------+ | Adam B. Wells | Harvey Mudd College, Claremont, CA | | awells@jarthur.claremont.edu | "I'm too sexy for my .sig ..." | +---------------------------------+-------------------------------------------+ -- |R. Andracsek | andra@cs.widener.edu | Voice (215)447-0412 | Coach:"Do you think losing is funny?!?" | Player:"Not at first, but once you get the hang of it..." | ---The Mighty Ducks
english.176 duke,
││The Witty Answering Machine Message List Jedan beogradski telefon na poziv odgovara onom melodijom "Ciganska je tuga pregolema, što me zoveš kad me kući nema". Pozdrav, Vlado
english.177 petkovicd,
Evo jedan mali primer kako radi sekretarica vecine taxi stanica. uses crt; begin clrscr; repeat writeln('Dobili ste ***** taxi.Molim sacekajte !'); delay(500); until keypressed; repeat writeln('TU TUUU'); delay(500); until false end. Drugarica mi je pricala da je neka devojka odlazila sa zurke i startuje program sa zeljom da krene taksijem kuci.I krene tako ono: Dobili ste ***** taxi.Molim sacekajte ! Ona se jednom zahvali. Dobili ste ***** taxi.Molim sacekajte ! Hvala. Dobili ste ***** taxi.Molim sacekajte ! Hvala. . . I posle ko zna kog puta ljudi shvate da nesto nije u redu neki pocnu i da se smeju i devojka ljupko konstatuje: "Ljubazan neki covek !"
english.178 dejanr,
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Date: Thu, 21 Jan 93 3:20:03 EST Subject: It's everywhere you want to be From: theobald@duke.cs.mcgill.ca (Kevin THEOBALD) Keywords: topical, chuckle, offensive, original [Footage of bombings in Sarajevo, gun battles, etc.:] "Bosnia-Herzegovina continues to be ravaged by the worst fighting in Europe since World War II. Rebel forces besieging Sarajevo are mercilessly bombing the city to rubble as the terrified population faces the prospect of mass starvation. In areas under Serbian control, soldiers ruthlessly sweep through neighborhoods and kill or expel all Muslims under the policy known as "ethnic cleansing." The less-fortunate Bosnians are sent to Nazi-like concentration camps, where they are tortured and starved. Many of the women in these camps are gang-raped daily by Serbian soldiers." [Shot of angry-looking gunman at checkpoint pointing rifle at camera, shaking his head:] "But if you think THIS is bad, just wait 'til you see what happens to you if you don't have your VISA card. Because in Yugoslavia, they don't tolerate ethnic diversity, and they DON'T take American Express!"
english.180 dejanr,
From: tchrist@pixel.convex.com (Tom Christiansen) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: "I wanna be a gynecologist!" Keywords: smirk, sexual A young man is having his teeth cleaned by his dentist. The dentist asks, "So tell me, son, what do you what to be when you grow up?" The adolescent gets a big canary-eating grin on his face and says with a glint in his eye, "I'm going to be a gynecologist -- it's got awesome fringe benefits." The dentist rubs his chin and responds, "You know, that might not be a very good idea. I spend all day in people's mouths, and when I come home from work, I don't even want to *kiss* my wife." --tom --
english.181 ndragan,
/ be a very good idea. I spend all day in people's mouths, and when / I come home from work, I don't even want to *kiss* my wife." Priča se za jednog ovdašnjeg ginekologa da je morao da odradi 16 sati u komadu kad je kolega iz druge smene slomio nogu. Nakon druge smene svrati u 'Lokomotivu' na duplu ljutu. Naiđe neka cigančica: "ej, gospodin, daa m' daš 100 dinara da ti pokažem pi*ku". "Evo ti 200 samo da ne moram da je gledam"
english.182 korvin,
Evo jedan hispano-engleski vic. Treba ga pričati sa jakim meksičkim naglaskom (a la brzi gonzales): Did I tell ou story about my friend Pedro Pistolero ? One day I met my friend pedro Pistolero. He told me: - Amigo, you are my friend, eat a shit ! Pedro had gun, so I ate it. Tommorow, I met my friend Pedro Pistolero again. I told him: -Pedro, ou are my friend eat a shit. So, because I got a gun he ate it. Day after, I met my friend Pedro again. He had a gun I had a gun. So, we have a lunch together.
english.183 inesic,
> -Pedro, ou are my friend eat a shit. istim naglaskom -Pedro, I kill people for money, byt you are my friend, I will kill you for nothing.
english.184 ssokorac,
Sin piše pismo ocu, tražeći pare: No mon', no fun. Your Son. Odgovor: So bad, so sad. Your Dad.
english.185 dvidovic,
Iraqi Bingo: B-52... F-16... M-1... F-18... F-117...
english.186 dejanr,
Real software engineers don't read dumps. They never generate them, and on the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely amused. Real software engineers don't comment their code. The identifiers are so mnemonic they don't have to. Real software engineers don't write applications programs, they implement algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help with, that's nice. Don't ask them to write the user interface, though. Real software engineers eat quiche. If it doesn't have recursive function calls, real software engineers don't program in it. Real software engineers don't program in assembler. They become queasy at the very thought. Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. This process doesn't necessarily involve executing anything on a computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. Real software engineers like C's structured constructs, but they are suspicious of it because they have heard that it lets you get "close to the machine." Real software engineers play tennis. In general, they don't like any sport that involves getting hot and sweaty and gross when out of range of a shower. (Thus mountain climbing is Right Out.) They will occasionally wear their tennis togs to work, but only on very sunny days. Real software engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and Spartan purity, but they find it difficult to actually program in. They don't tell this to their friends, because they are afraid it means that they are somehow Unworthy. Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an undocumented external procedure. Real software engineers write in languages that have not actually been implemented for any machine, and for which only the formal spec (in BNF) is available. This keeps them from having to take any machine dependencies into account. Machine dependencies make real software engineers very uneasy. Real software engineers don't write in ADA, because the standards bodies have not quite decided on a formal spec yet. Real software engineers like writing their own compilers, preferably in PROLOG (they also like writing them in unimplemented languages, but it turns out to be difficult to actually RUN these). Real software engineers regret the existence of COBOL, FORTRAN and BASIC. PL/I is getting there, but it is not nearly disciplined enough; far too much built in function. Real software engineers aren't too happy about the existence of users, either. Users always seem to have the wrong idea about what the implementation and verification of algorithms is all about. Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that systems could be virtual at ALL levels. They would like personal computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their Correctness Verification Aid packages. Real software engineers think better while playing WFF 'N' PROOF. [TFERI3::UEL007E2B "David Vrtin"]
english.187 dejanr,
-< Net Laws >- First Law: Netlag is the Lowest Common Denominator. Second Law: When you need to be Somewhere, You Can't Get There. Third Law: The Sysop is Actually a Minion of Evil. Fourth Law: When Sysop is Unavailable, all usually goes Well. Fifth Law: You Will Never Have Enough Quota. Sixth Law: Net Lag and the Need to Be Somewhere have equal and opposite reactions. Seventh Law: The Internet is Habit Forming, and May be Hazardous to Your Health. Eighth Law: The use of Internet Services while under the infuence of School could result in loss of Sleep. Ninth Law: 2 + 2 = 3.9999999999999999999999999999999 Tenth Law: When All Else Fails, Kick. Eleventh Law: Netsex is Frustrating. Twelfth Law: If Law 11 is Not You, you are Sysop Material. Thirteenth Law: Always Wear a Virtual Condom When Engaging in Questionable Acts With Strange Computers. Thirteenth Law (b) When a Virtual Condom is unavailable for use, Type Carefully. Fourteenth Law: Always Remember, Your Existence Depends on the Electric Company. Fifteenth Law: (Modem Users Only) In an Electrical Storm, turn off your computer unless its a matter of Life, Death, or Net Sex. Fifteenth Law (b) Disregard if the Computer is Owned by Someone Else. Fifteenth Law (c) Completely Disregard if Computer is University Owned; they'll replace it anyways. Sixteenth Law: Smilies :) are Universal. Seventeenth Law: *Hugs* are Freely Exchangable for Other *hugs* Seventeenth Law (b) However, *snugs* and *hugs* are Not Interchangable. Seventeenth Law (c) *Snugs* are Exchangable for othe *snugs* only if you can disregard Law Eleven. 6 more lines... Notes> Eighteenth Law: Never Pee On Your Computer. Nineteenth Law: On a BBS, MU*, and so forth, If You are Female, you will be Hit On. Twentieth Law: Real Life and Virtual Life Don't Mix. (c) Dolfyn & Resident Lunatic :) [TFERI3::UEL007E2B "David Vrtin"]
english.188 dejanr,
Subject: And the Twelve Bugs of Christmas ....For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me See if they can do it again.For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again.For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again.For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Reinstall the software Ask for a dump 79 more lines... Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump 49 more lines... Notes> Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Change the documentation Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Say it's not supported Change the documentation Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Tell them it's a feature Say it's not supported Change the documentation Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again.
english.189 nestor,
Dear friend, I hope when you not receive this letter Time will take you out to read it, It has been so good not seeing you around I remember with fond memories things we never did And I still have all the gifts you never gave to me Sometimes I sit in the dark with the lights on And laugh to myself all the times you have made me cry Right now I am wishing that you where here And I was someplace else, Remember that picture you never gave to me Well I lost it, You are always never on my mind I miss you very little You mean so less to me Eversince we never met my days have been so much brighter You are a dream I can do without I am always dreaming of everybody but you I see you walking down the street backwards And I wave to other people I will never stop not thinking about you I hope you receive this letter I have no intention if mailing Love always Somebody who hates you Or vice versa Or vice versa Dr. Willie Pietri
english.190 duke,
││ Sin piše pismo ocu, tražeći pare: ││ No mon', no fun. Your Son. ││ ││ Odgovor: ││ So bad, so sad. Your Dad. Ili ovako: "IZ DNEVNIKA JEDNOG OCA 18. 6. Danas mi je tražio pare za more. Nisam dao. Svađali se. Nisam dao. 19. 6. Opet mi je tražio pare za more. Nisam dao. Svađali se. Nisam dao. Pretio. Nisam dao. 20. 6. Tražio pare za more. Nisam dao. Pretio. Nisam dao. Tukao. Dao sam."
english.191 darone,
>> ││ So bad, so sad. Your Dad. >> "IZ DNEVNIKA JEDNOG OCA Mislim da sam ostavljao već, al za novajlije. Pismo oca sa sela sinu u gradu, između ostalog: "Dragi sine, šaljem ti onih petsto dinara koje si mi tražio u prošlom pismu. I zapamti, petsto se piše sa dve nule, a ne sa tri!" (: darone :)
english.192 ndragan,
/ "Dragi sine, šaljem ti onih petsto dinara koje si Dragi sine, šaljem ti ovih petsto dinara da ne zna nana, a ovih drugih 500 ti šalje nana da ne znam ja.
english.193 kuki,
Evo jednog vica sa vax-a :) <<< DUA0:[NOTES$LIBRARY]VICEVI.NOTE;1 >>> -< VICEVI >- =============================================================================== = Note 107.18 vicevi na engleskom sa rec.humor.funny 18 of 18 UBBG::EMALENOV "NIKOLA MALENOVIC, malenovi@plains." 417 lines 17-MAR-1993 09:21 -< Unix Unix to je prava stvar, ko ne voli Unix, kill -9... >- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - <<< UEK::$4$DUS0:[NOTES$LIBRARY]JOKES.NOTE;1 >>> -< Jokes and funny texts >- =============================================================================== = Note 295.1 Computer 1 of 8 TFERI3::UEL007E2B "David Vrtin" 410 lines 5-MAR-1993 18:56 -< VAXORCIST >- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Remember how much fun you had upgrading your systems to VMS V5.0? Well, you had it easy...... THE VAXORCIST ------------- A rough draft of a video presentation by Christopher Russell Operations Manager, Dept of Mechanical Engineering University of Maryland ------------------------------------------------------------------------- (SCENE: Inside of a VAX computer room. CREDITS ROLL as the SYSMGR is sitting in front of the console terminal, typing. He pauses, picks up a small magnetic tape, walks over to a tape drive, mounts it, and returns to the console where he continues typing.) (There is a knock at the door. SYSMGR walks to the door and opens it, revealing USER.) USER: Any idea when the system will be up? SYSMGR: Well, I just installed version 5.0 of VMS, so I'm going to run some diagnostics on it overnight to make sure it works alright. Assuming everything goes alright, the system should be up first thing tomorrow morning. USER: Great. Thanks. (Exits) (SYSMGR closes the door and returns to the console.) ROD SERLING-LIKE VOICE: This is John Smith, University of Maryland System Manager. In an effort to make his system the best it can be, he has just installed VMS Version 5.0 onto his VAX. But little does he know that the Version 5 documentation kit from Digital includes a one-way ticket to ... the VMS TWILIGHT ZONE! (ominous music - fade out) (Fade in. The SYSMGR scans the console for a moment, then turns, picks up his coat and walks to the door. He stops at the door for a moment, looking back at the big machine. Finally, he turns out the light and exits, closing the door behind him.) (Cut to the Console Terminal. We read the following as it is printed on the console terminal:) VMS V5.0 DIAGNOSTICS -- DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 1 STARTING... DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 1 FINISHED SUCCESSFULLY. DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 2 STARTING... TESTING MICROCODE ... SUCCESSFUL TESTING DECNET ... SUCCESSFUL TESTING LICENSE MANAGEMENT UTILITY ... SUCCESSFUL TESTING SYSTEM SERVICES ... SUCCESSFUL TESTING HIGHLY EXPERIMENTAL AND COMPLETELY UNDOCUMENTED AI ROUTINE ... (Cut to view of the Tape in the Tape drive. The tape spins for a moment, and suddenly stops.) (Cut to view of the Machine Room. A fog has begun drifting across the floor, and the hardware is slowly being backlit by a pulsing red light. A peal of weird laughter cuts through the silence. A variety of bizarre things occur: A VT100 monitor sitting on a table slowly rotates 360 degrees; the tape drive opens and tape begins spewing out of it; slime begins pouring out of a disk drive; the line printer begins form-feeding like mad. These continue for several minutes, or for as long as we can keep them up. FADE OUT) (SCENE: Hallway outside of the computer room. SYSMGR walks up to the door and is met by USER.) USER: System going to be up soon? SYSMGR: (as he speaks, he tries to open the Machine room door, but the door is apparently stuck.) The diagnostics should be done by now, so we should be up in about 15 minutes... (he succeeds in opening the door, but is confronted by floor to ceiling magnetic tape. Tangled at about eye level is an empty tape reel. SYSMGR takes the reel and looks at it. CLOSE UP of the reel so we can read the label, which reads: VAX/VMS V5.0 DIAGNOSTIC KIT.) (to USER) ...give or take a few days.... (SCENE: View of TSR (Telephone Support Rep) from behind as she is sitting in a cubicle, a terminal in front of her. Beside her on the wall is a poster which reads "Digital Has It Now - But You Can't Have It". We can see the terminal, but we should not be able to read what is on it. She is wearing a headset.) TSR: Colorado Customer Support. What is your access number, please? SYSMGR VOICE: 31576 TSR: And your name? SYSMGR VOICE: John Smith. (Cut to SYSMGR standing beside his console. He his holding a phone to his head with his right hand, and holding a printout in his left which he is perusing while he talks on the phone.) TSR VOICE: And what operating system are you using? SYSMGR: VMS version 5. TSR VOICE: And is this a problem with the operating system or a layered product? (As the SYSMGR looks up from the printout, his eyes suddenly widen and he drops the printout and ducks. At that second, a disk platter flies through the air where his head just was. Slowly, SYSMGR stands up and looks to where the disk went. PAN BACK to reveal a stack of boxes with a disk embedded in one of them at neck height.) SYSMGR: (into the phone) Operating System. Definitely the Operating System. (Cut back to TSR sitting at her desk.) TSR: Can you describe the problem, please? (SYSMGR voice can now only be heard as mumbling) TSR: Yes... Tape drive spewing tape into the air... yes... Line printers printing backwards... yes... miscellaneous hardware flying through the air... uh huh... disk drives melting... yeah... strange voices coming from the CPU board... I see... yes. Is that all? (pause as she finishes typing at the terminal) Well, I'm afraid that that team is busy at the moment, can I have them get back to you? (CUT TO SCENE: MANAGER sitting behind a large desk in a plush office. DEVELOPER is pacing in front of him, hands behind his back.) (SUBTITLE: Meanwhile at Maynard...) MANAGER: So tell me! What the hell happened?! DEVELOPER: (turning to face MANAGER) It's a glitch, a fluke. A one in a billion chance. And it's not Development's fault. Not really. MANAGER: Then who's fault is it? DEVELOPER: We traced it back to the Software Distribution Center. It seems that there was a mixup and some of the code for the experimental AI routine was copied onto the distribution from the wrong optical disk. (He removes a CD from his jacket) This one, to be precise. MANAGER: And what's that? DEVELOPER: (reading the label) "Ozzy Osbourne's Greatest Hits". Normally, it wouldn't have made any difference, as the AI routine isn't used yet. But when they began running diagnostics, it hit the routine and the computer just sort of became a thing possessed. MANAGER: Wonderful. Were any other distributions affected? DEVELOPER: No, just the University of Maryland's. MANAGER: Well, that's a relief. We've got to get them taken care of before anyone finds out. Can you imagine what Digital Review would do if they heard about this? DEVELOPER: We could always blame it on the Chaos Computer Group. MANAGER: No, we've already used that one. This calls for drastic action. (MANAGER picks up the phone and begins flipping through the rolodex) DEVELOPER: Who are you going to send? (CUT to the Rolodex so that we can read the cards. The first card reads: SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Ron Jankowski, x474 he flips to the next card: BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Bob Candless, x937 he flips to the next card: REALLY BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Michelle French, x365 he flips to the next card OUTRAGEOUSLY BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Mike West, x887 he flips to the next card and taps the card with forefinger: SYSTEM FUCKED UP BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION - The VAXorcist, x666 (CUT to Machine Room. SYSMGR is standing by the console holding an RA60 disk cover and using it as a shield to defend himself from various pieces of hardware which are flying at him from off-camera. There is a knock at the door. Slowly, SYSMGR makes his way to the door and opens it. Standing there, backlit amidst outrageous amounts of fog is the VAXORCIST, wearing a trench coat and fedora, and carrying a briefcase.) VAXORCIST: (in a hushed voice) DEC sent me. I hear you're having some problems. (CUT to SYSMGR OFFICE, a small but pleasant office with posters on the walls and clutter on the desk. As the VAXORCIST enters, he removes his coat and hat, revealing a very techie outfit beneath. He is wearing a DEC badge.) SYSMGR: (Frantic) Problems? Problems?!? You could say I'm having some problems. 4.6 was fine. 4.7 was fine. I install 5.0 and all Hell breaks loose. The damn thing ate two of my operators this morning! VAXORCIST: Calm down, everything will be alright. I've dealt with situations like this before. SYSMGR: You have? VAXORCIST: Four years ago at an installation in Oregon, a programmer renamed his Star Trek program to VMB.EXE and copied it into the system directory. When the system was rebooted the next day it phasored the entire accounting department claiming that they were Klingon spies. There was a similar problem in Texas three years ago, and then, of course, there was the IRS fiasco that we're not allowed to talk about. But don't worry. These things can be fixed. Before I can help you, though, I have to ask you a few questions. (The VAXorcist opens his briefcase and removes a clipboard) Now, according to the report, the strange occurences began after you installed VMS Version 5, is that correct? SYSMGR: Yes, that's correct. VAXORCIST: Now, did you carefully read the Installation Guide for VMS Version 5? SYSMGR: (confused) Installation Guide? VAXORCIST: Yes, it should have come with the Release Notes. SYSMGR: (still confused) Release Notes? (SYSMGR begins rooting about on his disk, shifting papers around as if he might find them underneath) VAXORCIST: (annoyed) Yes, Release Notes. They should have come with your documentation upgrade. SYSMGR: (completely confused - looks up from his rooting through the papers on his desk) Documentation upgrade? VAXORCIST: (angry) YES! The Documentation upgrade for your VMS Documentation Set! SYSMGR: Documentation S...? Oh, you mean the grey binders? They're over there. (he points to the wall behind the VAXORCIST. The VAXORCIST turns and we see a closed glass-front bookcase packed with grey binders. A small red sign on the front of the bookcase reads: "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, BREAK GLASS"). VAXORCIST: Right. This is going to be tougher than I thought. Let's go take a look at your system and see just how bad everything is. (CUT to the Machine Room. The room is neat and tidy and there is no sign that anything is wrong. The VAXORCIST enters the room with the SYSMGR behind him.) VAXORCIST: Everything looks okay to me. SYSMGR: Maybe it's hibernating. VAXORCIST: Unlikely. It's probably trying to lure us into a false sense of security. SYSMGR: Sounds like VMS alright. (VAXORCIST gives him a dirty look) VAXORCIST: I'm going to have to test it's power. This could get ugly, you may want to leave. (The SYSMGR shakes his head no. The VAXORCIST brings hiself up to full height in front of the VAX and points a finger at it) By the power of DEC, I expel thee from this system! (Clap of thunder) (CUT to door to the machine room. The SYSMGR is pulling a cart on which sits the VAXORCIST wrapped from head to toe in magnetic tape) SYSMGR: Any other bright ideas? VAXORCIST: Just shut up and get this damn stuff off of me. (CUT to SYSMGRs office) VAXORCIST: (Writing on the clipboard) Things look pretty bad. I think we're going to need a full-scale VAXorcism here. SYSMGR: Is there anything I can do to help? VAXORCIST: As a matter of fact, there is. We've got to incapacitate the VAX to keep it from causing any more damage until I'm ready to deal with it. Now, I've got some software here that will do that, but it's got to be installed. (VAXORCIST hands SYSMGR a tape) With that running, the CPU will be so bogged down, the VAX won't be able to harm anybody. SYSMGR: (Examining the tape) What is it? A program to calculate pi to the last digit? VAXORCIST: Better than that. It starts up All-in-1 with a 10 user load. (CUT to Hall outside of Computer Room. The VAXORCIST approaches the door. As the SYSMGR approaches the door, the VAXORCIST holds him back. VAXORCIST: I appreciate your help, but it won't be safe for you in there. SYSMGR: What? You're going in there to face that thing alone? You're nuts! VAXORCIST: Hey, it's my job. (VAXORCIST turns to the door) SYSMGR: Wait a minute. (VAXORCIST stops and turns around) You better take this with you. (SYSMGR removes a very large and very nasty looking gun from the inside of his jacket) VAXORCIST: (Smiling) No, I won't need that. I've got something more powerful. (VAXORCIST holds up a small guide-sized orange binder, opens it, and shows it to SYSMGR. CUT to closeup of the book which reads: "GUIDE TO VAX/VMS SYSTEM EXORCISM") (CUT to view of Machine room door as seen by the VAX. The VAXORCIST enters the room and stands in front of the VAX. CUT to view of the Machine Room showing the SYSMGR confronting the VAX) VAXORCIST: By the power of DEC, I command thee, Evil Spirit, to show thyself. VAX: Bugger off. VAXORCIST: (Shaken) What? VAX: I said Bugger off! Now get out of here before I core-dump all over you! VAXORCIST: (Recovered) Threaten me not, oh Evil one! For I speak with the power of DEC, and I command thee to show thyself! (A rumble is heard and again the VAX becomes backlit by red lights and a fog begins to roll across the floor. The VAX cabinet doors slowly creak open to reveal two small red lights in the dark cabinet which appear to be the creature's eyes) VAX: There. Happy? Now get out of here before I drop a tape drive on your private parts. VAXORCIST: (Opening the orange binder, he begins intoning SHUTDOWN.COM in gregorian chant. The VAX screams.) VAX: Stop that! Stop that! You, you DOS LOVER! Your mother manages RSX systems in Hell! (The VAXORCIST continues and the VAX screams again.) VAX: Stop it! (a large wad of computer tape is thrown at the VAXORCIST, apparently from the VAX). Eat oxide, bit-bucket breath! (The VAXORCIST continues and the VAX screams once more.) VAX: Mount me! Mount me! VAXORCIST: (finishing the intonation) And now, by the power of DEC, I banish thee back to the null-space from which you came! (The VAX screams and the scream fades to silence.) (CUT to the doorway of the Machine room, which now stands open. The VAXORCIST is once again wearing his trench coat and fedora.) SYSMGR: So it's over? VAXORCIST: (Putting his hat on) Yes, it's over. SYSMGR: (Shaking the VAXORCISTs hand) Thank God. Listen, thanks a lot. I don't know what we would have done without you. VAXORCIST: Hey, it's the least we could do. The Software Distribution Center should be sending you a patch tape in a week or two to patch out that AI routine and prevent this from happening again. Sign here. (he hands SYSMGR the clipboard, SYSMGR signs at the bottom and hands it back) Have a good one. (VAXORCIST leaves). (SYSMGR enters the machine room. Camera follows him in.) SYSMGR: (Calling to someone off-camera) Okay, you guys, let's get rolling. Get those backup tapes out. We've got a clean system again! (cheers are heard from off-camera. The SYSMGR leaves the picture, leaving only the VAX with it's cabinet doors still open in the picture. Slow zoom in to the LSI unit. Slowly, the LSI unit begins to emit a pulsing red glow) (Fade to black. CREDITS ROLL) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Copyright (C) 1991 by Christopher Russell (crussell@eng.umd.edu). Please feel free to copy this and pass it around if it amuses you, as long as this notice is left intact. Any similarity between characters appearing in this script and any persons, creatures, or entities living, dead, or otherwise is purely coincidental. I am no longer an employee of the University of Maryland, so I'm not particularly bothered if you think that they are responsible for any of this. Unless it's funny, then it's mine. Thanks to my friends and colleagues at the University of Maryland and elsewhere for their help and encouragement in the developement of the script and the video.
english.196 ratman,
What did Pablo Picasso and Queen Elisabeth III have in common? They've both had BLUE PERIOD.
english.197 dejanr,
NAME sex - have sex SYNOPSIS sex [ options ] ... [ username ] ... DESCRIPTION sex allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) speci- fied in the command line. If no users are specified, they are taken from the LOVERS environment variable. Options to make things more interesting are as follows: -1 masturbate -a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option -b buggery -B<animal> bestiality with <animal> -c chocolate sauce option -C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W) -d<file> get a date with the features described in <file> -e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net) -f foreplay option -F nasal sex with plants -i coitus interruptus (messy!) -j jacuzzi option (California sites only) -l leather option -m masochism (see -s) -M triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option -n necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program kills it) -o oral option -O parallel access (orgy) -p debug option (proposition only) -P pedophilia (must specify a child process) -q quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am) -s sadism (target must set -m) -S sundae option -v voyeurism (surveys the entire net) -w whipped cream option -W whips (see also -s, -C, and -m) ENVIRONMENT LOVERS is a list of default partners which will be used if none are specified in the command line. If any are specified, the values in LOVERS is ignored. FILES /usr/lib/sex/animals animals for bestiality /usr/lib/sex/blackbook possible dates /usr/lib/sex/sundaes sundae recipes /usr/lib/sex/s&m sado-masochistic equipment BUGS ^C (quit process) may leave the user very unsatisfied. ^Z (stop process) is usually quite messy. MAN AUTHOR Author prefers to be anonymous. HISTORY Oldest program ever. [BUEFQ5::ZIGIC_67291D "Slaviša Žigic RTI ETF Beograd"
english.198 lord.pilot,
There's only one thing to do with temptation... ...Yield to it ! (c) Oscar Wilde
english.199 dejanr,
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: rh@smds.com (Richard Harter) Subject: Creationism FAQ These are smilies :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) Use them liberally where indicated. - ---------------------------------------------------- WARNING FOR THE HUMOR IMPAIRED -- THIS IS SATIRE There has been a considerable call for a Creationist FAQ, which doesn't seem to be forthcoming in any great hurry. In the interests of facilitating matters I have decided to jump the gun and provide a provisional Creationist FAQ. Regard this as a provisional effort; I am not an expert in these matters and may have erred in a few small details. Criticisms and suggestions for improvement are welcome. Speculations on my private life will be met with dignified silence. Q: What is the principle evidence for Creationism? A: The Holy Bible, of course. After all, is it likely that the author of the Universe would be mistaken about its age? Q: But isn't the Bible religion and not science? A: Truth is truth. It's a poor sort of science that ignores truth. Q: But isn't there a lot of evidence for evolution? A: Not really, most of it is from university professors writing papers for each other. If they didn't write papers they wouldn't have jobs. Q: How big was Noah's ark? A: Big enough. Q: But what about radioactive dating? A: Hey, everybody knows that stuff is bad for you. Stick with good Christian girls. Q: What about the fossil evidence? A: The real fossils are university professors writing papers for each other. Q: Is there any other evidence for Creationism besides the Bible? A: Yes. Q: Can you give us some? A: Yes. Q: Could you give us a specific example? A: Yes. Q: What be a specific example of evidence for Creationism? A: I've already answered that question. Q: What about the Antarctic ice core data? A: Now I put it to you. Coop up a bunch of men in a Quonset hut in the worst weather in the world, with nothing to do but gather data and drink, and what do you expect? Q: Did the dinosaurs coexist with man? A: Look, the liberals were preaching coexistence with the Communists, and you saw what happened to them. Q: Should Creationism be taught along with Evolution in the schools? A: Creationism should be taught instead of Evolution in the schools. Q: Doesn't the Geologic Column prove that the Earth is very old? A: The geologic column proves that some things are on top of other things and some things are underneath other things. But we already knew that, didn't we. Q: Hasn't Evolution been demonstrated in the laboratory? A: Students are demonstrating everywhere these days. To their shame, many professors are demonstrating also. Q: Aren't Hawiian wallabies an example of Evolution in action? A: No. Q: Why not? A: Because they aren't. Q: What is a kind? A: A kind is cards of the same rank. Thus 4 aces and a king are four of a kind, but four spades and a heart are not. Q: Doesn't genetic variation indicate that life has been going on a long time? A: Let's be up front about this. That's deviation, not variation, and yes, there is a lot of deviancy out there. That just shows that there has been a lot of Sin since the garden of Eden. Q: What about Neanderthal Man? A: Hey, you take one of those geezers and put him in tweeds and give him a pipe and he could be a professor anywhere. Q: Some scientists state that the earth's continents are drifting around on top of a molten interior which has shaped life as we see it now. Are they right? A: As you well know the Bible says that beneath the surface of the earth is Hell where there is eternal fires and brimstone. If the continents appear to be moving around that is Satan's doing. Q: Why do almost all of the scientists believe in Evolution? A: The real scientists don't. As for the rest of them, that's a very good question, isn't it? Q: Are you talking about a Satanic conspiracy? A: Did I say anything about a conspiracy? You might want to think about the shape the world is in since the Evolutionists and the Liberal Humanists captured academia and Evolution is hand in hand with Godless Communism and crime in the streets but I certainly wouldn't want to say anything about a Satanic conspiracy. I just want you to think about it with an open mind.
english.200 dejanr,
From: hausner@qucis.queensu.ca (Alejo Hausner) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Just _what_ is in them? Keywords: smirk, true Message-ID: <S55f.3ac@clarinet.com> Date: 22 May 93 23:30:04 GMT Lines: 15 Approved: funny@clarinet.com I was enjoying a pack of Lowney's almond glosette's, which are chocolate-covered almonds. Then an item in the list of ingredients caught my attention: "May contain peanuts" That's like buying a Honda with a sticker that says "May be a Hyundai". Alejo (hausner@qucis.queensu.ca)
english.201 dejanr,
From: W.J.Smith@bnr.co.uk (Bill Smith) Subject: Hot Interfacing Tale Below is a short story I wrote some years ago (notice the reference to Chad - - does anyone know what it is anymore?). A Sad Story This is the story of Lexi Con (Lex for short). Lex was feeling bored with life. He had tried everything, the first in/first out technique, using a re-enterant driver, he had even tried bottom up degeneration. So he decided to go to a baudy little place he knew, which was frequented by Kernels and other types of executive. Lex shortly arrived at ADA's place. He entered the bar and ordered a short (beer might cause him to make too many shift lefts to the small node if he didn't overflow first) and sat down at a hash table. After a while Lex spied the supervisor. Ada purported to be of a new generation but she looked as if she should have been archived years ago. Ada wandered over wiggling her peripherals as she came. He wondered if her upper quartiles were mainly silicon chips. "Core" he said, his stack was in danger of popping up. "Hello" she said, she was obviously a monadic operator. Lex decided to pay her a two's compliment, "that's a nice two you've got there." "Would you like to return to my place for a byte?" she enquired. Lex parsed her externals and decided it might be a new experience, "OK" he acknowledged. If he could improve his input/output control he might achieve a reasonable down time. They returned to her address. "I must go in first to see if my husband Mark is here," she said. "But won't he be working?" asked Lex. "He's a redundant character" she replied and entered to do some Mark sensing. She beckoned him in. In the corner was a strange bird. "That's an odd parity?" he said. But she said nothing and took him in a deadly embrace. She squeezed him so hard he thought he might reach his breakpoint. She ran her digits over his external variables. He could feel his mantissa was about to achieve double length working. He wondered whether he might have an abnormal termination. He pushed her away, "I must go for a soft dump first," he said, "where's the job control terminal?" "Later," she said and pulled him towards her, "do you practice recursive entry?" she asked. So he placed his most significant digit on her entry point only to find she had some virtual hardware. She was a transputer! He uttered the vilest primitive he knew. He pushed Ada away and left at a fast data rate. Just as well he hadn't tried an overlay on the testbed. Driving home he went through an asynchronous system trap and was terminated by the police. The PCs approached him, "I've just been accosted by a transputer" he told them. They thought he was simplex. "Maybe he was bi-directional, sir" said PC Chad. "No way," said Lex "he was completely duplex." "That was probably Cathode Ray," said the PC, "you may well have contracted a virus." Subsequently Lex found his hard drive had been replaced by a floppy.
english.202 dejanr,
From: loren@pixar.com (Loren Carpenter) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: GNU info Keywords: smirk, true Message-ID: <S562.6ac@clarinet.com> Date: 26 May 93 08:30:02 GMT Lines: 24 Approved: funny@clarinet.com Copied verbatim from a sign at the San Diego Zoo... Brindled Wildebeest or Gnu Connochaetes taurinus taurinus An African folk story says the wildebeest was created last, from leftover parts of other animals. Today we'd say it looks like it was put together by a committee. When bothered, gnus even act like a committee. They seem to run in all directions at once, thrashing their heads and tails wildly. Range: Southern Tanzania to South Africa Habitat: Grasslands and open woodlands Wild Diet: Grass, leaves, herbs Zoo Diet: Alfalfa pellets, hay, leaves Status: Stable; this subspecies is rare in zoos
english.203 ndragan,
grafit iz jednog lifta u Mirijevu fuck is nice fuck is funny many people fuck for money if you think fuck is not funny fuck yourself and save your money
english.204 darone,
>> if you think fuck is not funny >> fuck yourself >> and save your money If you want another brother Put your mother on your father (ili put your father in your mother ;) darone
english.205 didldi,
:>>Put your mother on your father ^^^^ Ovo nije neophodno ;>>>
english.207 darone,
>> :>>Put your mother on your father >> ^^^^ >> Ovo nije neophodno ;>>> Jeste, zbog slogova ;) darone
english.209 pavbok,
╔══════════════════════════╗ ║ ║ ║ Strangers in the night ║ ║ ║ ║ AIDS in the morning! ║ ║ ║ ╚══════════════════════════╝
english.211 dejanr,
This is the most complete set of blonde jokes I have seen. This is the updated version, with (I think) all duplications removed. If you have a question, request for the jokes, duplication to point out, or one you think should be included, mail hssm@menudo.uh.edu. PLEASE, IF YOU COPY THIS OFF OF THE NET, PLEASE LEAVE MY NAME ON THE BOTTOM SO THAT I KNOW HOW MANY ARE FLOATING AROUND, AND THAT I GET CREDIT FOR THE THREE WEEKS AND MORE I SPENT ON IT. THANK YOU. Disclaimer: These are not my jokes, I only compiled them, any complaints should be posted on rec.humor, or directed towards your local congressman. Troy C. Belding 11/18/92 The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes ----------------------------------- Q: How do blonde braincells die ? A: Alone. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer. Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear! Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant? A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. Q: What will she ask you? A: "Is it mine?" Q: How does a blonde kill a fish? A: She drowns it. Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat? A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row. Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours? A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor? A: By the ears. Q: How does a blonde moonwalk? A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor! Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists? A: The rest are hunt'n peckers. Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law? A: An air bag. Q: Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped? A: Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open. Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee? A: It's too hard to re-train them. Q: What do blondes do for foreplay? A: Remove their underwear. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!" Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" Q: What's the mating call of the brunette? A: "All the blondes have gone home!" Q: What's a brunette's mating call ? A: Has that blonde gone yet? Q: What is the brunette's mating call? A: When is that blond bitch going to leave!? Q: What's the mating call of the redhead? A: "Next!" Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday. Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? A: Trying to hold on to a thought. Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'. Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? A: They don't know the route. Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board. Q: What is foreplay for a blonde? A: Thirty minutes of begging. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth? A1: You need a quarter to use the phone. A2: Only one person can use the phone at once. Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen. Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? A "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt." Q: How does a blonde commit suicide? A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off. Q: How do you plant dope? A: Bury a blonde. Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses? A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades. Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? A: Wave to her. Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ? A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum) Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex? A: She opens the car door. Q: How does a blonde get pregnant? A: And I thought blondes were dumb! Q: How does a blonde part their hair? A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart) A2: By doing the splits. Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle? A: Shine a torch in her ears. Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm? A1: She drops her nail-file! A2: Who cares? A3: She says, "Next". A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder. A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes. A6: I mean, who really cares? A7: The batteries have run out. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno! Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs? A: Unfertilized. Q: How do you drown a blond? A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. A2: Don't tell her to swallow. A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool. Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping? A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard. Q: How does a blonde high-5? A: She smacks herself in the forehead. Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots? A: Flattered. Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS? A: A know-it-all bitch. Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde? A: One's a phony buck. Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician? A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts. Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have? A: One that never misses a period. Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is? A: An Italian suppository. Q: Why doesn't a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands? A: Because the vaccum in her head keeps them in place. Q: What's the difference between having sex with a blonde and eating Jell-o? A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer? A1: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do. A2: Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it gets blood. Q: Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses? A: She was having sunny periods. Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant? A: Her feet! Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose? A: When she farts, her knees bag. Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist? A: Marriage. Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan? A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat. Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9? A: A 69 interrupted by a period. Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ? A: Tell them a joke on Friday night ! Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde? A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on. Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They're born that way. Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms? A: They're too hard to peel. Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy? A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them. Q: Why does it work? A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?" Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W's. Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID? A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet. Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress? A: To keep her ankles warm. Q: How can you tell a blonde had a bad day? A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what she did with her cigarette. Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? A: Way to go team! Q: How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator? A: By the chipped tooth. Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.) Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: To keep from bruising their ears. Q: Why do blondes have vaginas? A: So guys will talk to them at parties. Q: Why does the blonde stand in front of a window during a thunder storm? A: She loves taking pictures (flashes, got it?). Q: What do you call a blonde with a runny nose? A: Full. Q: What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?" A: "No, I just lie there." Q: What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning? A: "Thanks, guys..." Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool? A: Air pockets. Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? A: "Space. The final frontier......" Q: How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengals team? A: Just One... Boomer Esiason. Q: What's brown and red and black and blue? A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes. Q: What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner? A: You don't, you see if you've got 3 condoms. Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer? A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold. Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs? A: She fell out of the tree. Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek? A: One. Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ? A: She didn't know what ONE came first... Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex? A1: Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers. A2: Their mothers told them not with their mouths full. Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone? A: Divorced. Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole? A: Divorced. Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit? A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer! Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp? A: You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way. Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde? A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night. Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff. Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree. Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her. Q: How did the blonde burn her nose? A: Bobbing for french fries. Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress? A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil. Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? A: There's white-out on the screen. Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? A: There's writing on the white-out. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer? A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9.... Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator? A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office? A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces. Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating? A: By the buckle print on her forehead. Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend? A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead! Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? A: She has a checkbook. Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it. Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone? A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy? A: The blonde has the higher sperm count. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal? A: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch. Q: What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a blonde track team? A: The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts. Q: What is the difference between a crazy fighting hockey player and a blonde? A: He is fussy by nature and would go to any length to get a puck. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline. Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde? A: The prostitute says "Aren't you done yet?" The nympho says "Are you done already?" The blonde says "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige." Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde? A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush? A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job? A: Your job still sucks after 6 months. Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist. Q: What is the difference between a blond and a toilet? A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster? A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo." Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine? A: Not everybody has been in a limo. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. A2: You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball. A3: There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke. A4: You don't eat your bowling ball Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York? A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men. Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS? A: Lipstick. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone. Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle? A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes? A: They're doing research on black holes. Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom? A: So she can have a doggie bag for later. Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month? A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds." Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids? A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon. A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home. Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?? A: Because they can understand them. Q: Why do blondes like lightning? A: They think someone is taking their picture. Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead? A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it! Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces? A: From eating with forks. Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A1: Because they don't know any better. A2: They are easier to keep amused. Q: Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry? A: Because you don't have to marry them for sex! Q: Why do blondes have legs? A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground. A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen. A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails. Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow? A1: So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo. A2: So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits. Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs? A: Because they can spell it. Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm? A: *Who cares?* Q: Why do blondes have periods? A: They deserve them Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons? A: From dating blonde men. Q: Why do blondes wear tampons? A: Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too. Q: Why do blondes drive VW's A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!! Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? A: To cover up the valve stem. Q: Why do blonds have square boobs? A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box. Q: Why do Blondes take the pill? A: So they know what day of the week it is. Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ? A: Wishful Thinking. Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A: Toes go in first. Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts? A: Tits go in front. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering? A: More head room. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs? A: More leg room. Q: Why do blonds have orgasms ? A: So they know when to stop having sex ! Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? A: They make good ankle warmers. Q: Why do Blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada) A: Because they can spell it. Q: What is 74 to a blonde? A: 69 plus G.S.T. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop. Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick? A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole." Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings? A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables! Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads. Q: Why don't blondes double recipes? A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees. Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists? A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter. Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? A1: They can't remember the number. A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons. Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives? A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1". Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas? A: They can't find the zipper. Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts? A: Cause their balls show! Q: Why don't blonds breast feed? A: Because they always burn their niples. Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators? A: They chip their teeth. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello? A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? A: Because they can't get their head in the jar. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A1: Introduces themself. A2: Walks home. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex? A: Opens the car door. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond? A: Bucket seats. Q: What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate before having sex? A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate? Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A1: "What's a lightbulb?" A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!" Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine? A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!" Q: What is the difference between a blond and a 747? A: Not everyone has been in a 747 Q: What do you call a blonde touching her toes? A: A brunette with bad breath. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up? A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde. A2: None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first? A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up! Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche? A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend. Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde? A: Butter is difficult to spread. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"? A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic". Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been spotted. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde? A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week. Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? A: "Nice tits!" Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner? A: Reservations. Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common? A: Put either of 'em in a car and their fucked. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning? A: Pack their lunch and send them to work. Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth? A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine? Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common? A: They both get easier to pick-up with age. Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on? A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common? A1: They both have a black box. A2: Both have a cockpit. Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? A: Change. Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear? A: "Thanks for the refill!" Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair? A: They pull up their pants. Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair? A: Last years hide and go seek winner. Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A whine cellar. Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool? A: Air bubbles. Q: What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections? A: A whine and cheese party! Q: What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp, and another blonde standing on a street corner? A: 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, not for a zillion f*cks, 4 f*cks! Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian? A: A waste. Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground? A: An air mattress. Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A: An Air Bag. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring. Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW? A: Divorcee' Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A: Pregnant. Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head? A: All you can eat, under a buck.
english.212 dejanr,
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? A: An interpreter. Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ? A: Sweet Fuck All... Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes? A: Frosted Flakes. Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? A: Frosted Flakes. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A: A Space Invader. Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager. Q: What do you call a smart blond? A1: A golden retriever. A2: An indicator of a really bad hangover. Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde? A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver. Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? A: The back of her head. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla? A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do... Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes? A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common? A: chances are they'll both end up in the gutter. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles. Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer." Q: What do Blondes say after sex? A1: Thanks Guys. A2: Are you boys all in the same band? A3: Do you guys all play for the (..............)? insert team name here. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? A: "Thanks for the refill!" Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it the looser it gets. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common? A: They both wriggle when you eat them. Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common? A: They both have black roots. Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? A: The back of her head. Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what? Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass? A: A brain tumor. Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down? A: Two brunettes. Q: What do a blonde and Presdient Gorbachev have in common? A: They both got fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev? A: He knows who the ten men were. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies? A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties. A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit. Q: What did the blonde's mum say to her before the blonde's date. A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home. Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..." Q: Why did the blonde cross the road? A: Never mind that! What was she doing out of the bedroom?!? R: I don't know. A: Neither did she. Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel? A: Because her boyfriend was also blond! Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU? A: Too many blondes were drowning. Q: Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq? A: They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water. Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute? A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally. Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? A: She realized she gave her last blowjob. Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs? A: Because that's what they train for all their lives. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? A: So her male would get delivered to the right box. Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK". Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car. Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper? A: So she could lip read. Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. Q: Why did God create brunettes? A: Neither could the blondes. Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides. Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off. Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche. Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? A: To see what was on the other side. Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veternarian? A: Because she loved children. Q: Why did the blond take her typewriter to the doctor ?? A: She thought it was pregnant becaus missed a period. Q: Why did they call the blond twinkie? A: She liked to be filled with cream. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home? A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A: She'd just dyed her hair. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill? A: Because it kept falling out. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts? A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor. Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID? A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet. Q: How can you tell a blonde had a bad day? A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what she did with her cigarette. Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? A: Way to go team! Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.) Q: WHATS THE DIFFERANCE BETWEEN A FRIDGE AND A FANNY? A: A FRIDGE DOSN'T FART WHEN YOU TAKE THE MEAT OUT. Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms. Q: Why does it work? A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?" Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office? A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps! Q: What is the blonde's favorite potato chip? A: Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay). Q: What is the blonde's favorite battery? A: Ever-ready. Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp? A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort. Q: What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon? A: A vacant posession. Q: What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?" A: "No, I just lie there." Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek? A: One. Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ? A: She didn't know what ONE came first... Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone? A: Divorced. Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole? A: Divorced. Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit? A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer! Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp? A: You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way. Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde? A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a ood night. Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers license ? A: She wasn't used to the front seat! Q: Why did she finally pass her test? A: She took the examiner with her Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver? A: She missed the Earth! Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common? A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one. Q: How do you know when a blond's been in your frige? A: Lipstick on the cucumbers! Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common? A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win Q: Why are blondes so sexually promiscuous? A: Who cares Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll? A: About 2 cans of hair spray Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants? A: Pick them up off the floor Q: What did the Blonde get on her A.C.T.? A: Nail polish! (Appendix: For those of you who are Brits, the A.C.T. is a College entrance examination. Highest score possible is 36. Average is about 18-20, I think.) (Visual Joke) Q: What did the blonde say when she tried driving stick for the first time? A: "How do you shift this thing?" (you make jacking off motions) Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? A: The vegetable garden. Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag? A: One. Q: What's the difference between a lesbian finger-fucking a blonde and a Schwinn at the side of the road? A: One's a bike in a ditch, and the other's . . . . Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon? A: Far-from-thinkin Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean? A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna. Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer? A: She slipped off and fell down the drain. Q: Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net bandwidth? A: Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the Blonde Joke List. Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina? A1: The Blonde! A2: The other guys waiting their turn. Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'? A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.' Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!" Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot. Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group? A: Air Supply. Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ? A: A blond electrician Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A1: So brunettes can remember them. A2: Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit. Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde ???? A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children! Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words? A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries. Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period? A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her? Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ? A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good. Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? A: They keep breaking them with the hammers. Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? A: Perri-air Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote? A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck. Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head? A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it! Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station? A: The Air Pump! Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A: Because she got an F in sex. Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? A: She missed. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes? A: Peroxide. Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg. A: Nothing - they've never met. Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment? A: She can't say "No". Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear? A: Data transfer. Q: Whats the difference between a Blonde and a Supermarket Trolley. A: A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own. Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers? A: They can't keep their calves together! Q: What was the blond psychic's greatest achievment? A: An IN-body experience! Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? A: After a dye job. Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ? A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?" Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light. Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car? A: Cause she blows the horn!!!!! Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: 'Cause everybody gets a turn. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks? A: 'Cause she's been laid all over the country. Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A: She kept having affairs with men! Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10? A: She picks up her purse and goes home. Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? A: The vegetable garden. Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag? A: One. Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office? A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps! Q: What is the blonde's favorite potato chip? A: Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay). Q: What is the blonde's favorite battery? A: Ever-ready. Q: What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon? A: A vacant posession. Q: If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who would die first? A: The brunette -- because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions. Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard? A: Grade 4. Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance? A: 144 blondes. Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds? A: Because at 69 they blow a rod... Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders? A: Because they can't even keep two calves together! Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words? A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries. Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist? A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?" Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: A blonde parade. Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold? A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car? A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'll get a life when it is proven Troy C. Belding and substantiated to be better ST17Y@JETSON.UH.EDU than what I am currently HSSM@MENUDO.UH.EDU experiencing. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
english.213 snemcev,
>> This is the most complete set of blonde jokes I have seen. Ej, SysAdm, ovo je već drugi put. Za 1200 bps je malo mnogo 25K teksta u jednoj poruci, pa još 15K u sledećoj. Jel može to idući put u file? PS Ovo pišem iako znam da ću dobiti orden, al' onaj kome je upućeno će ovo svakako videti.
english.214 furlani,
1.What did the father ghost say to his son? Spook only when you're spooken to. 2.Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance? He had no body to go with. 3.Daddy, daddy, there's a spider in the bath! Don't worry, you've seen spiders before. Yes, but this one's four feet wide and it's using all the hot water! 4.How do fleas start a race? One, two, flea! 5.Knock, Knock! who's there? Irish stew. Irish stew who? I arrest you in the name of the law!
english.215 dejanr,
From treynold Fri Jul 9 02:05:41 1993 Date: Fri, 9 Jul 93 02:05:40 GMT From: treynold (Tom Reynolds) To: treynold Subject: Lawyer Jokes Q & A form jokes Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start! Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer? A1: Take your foot off his head. A2: No. Good! Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? A: The bucket. Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"? A: There was an empty seat. Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his ass. Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A. From chasing parked ambulances. Q. Where can you find a good lawyer? A. In the cemetary Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A. A vampire only sucks blood at night. Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties? A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins. Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance. Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle. ---- Longer Jokes: ---- A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies: "Four!". The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time." The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?" ----- A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of proffesional brain offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?" "3 dollars an ounce." "How much for <other generic proffesion> brain?" "4 dollars an ounce." "How much for lawyer brain?" "100 dollars an ounce." "Why is lawyer brain so much more?" "Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?" ----- A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?" ----- A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assis- tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!" ---- A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub- scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them." ----- A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow." ----- "How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question." ---------- The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?" Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!" ----- Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole." ----- "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness. ----- A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!" ------ Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern." ---------- A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'" ----- The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting. ---- These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless". That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer". ---- For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." ----- God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" ----- Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. ---------- A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''." "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!" ----- An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?" ----- At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings." ---- A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?" ---------- It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him. "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice." "Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?" "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor." "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?" "Your diagnosis is as good as mine." "What are you talking about?" "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine." "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something." "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?" "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue." "Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' " "Why are you reading that to me?" "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..." "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol." "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore." "Then get me another doctor." "There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice." "If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court." "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone." "You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him." "That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' " "Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?" "I better check you out first." "Don't check me out, just give the dope." "But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?" "What for?" "To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were." "I'm not going to sue you." "You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?" ---------- A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it... -------- A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office]. Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation. ---------- Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb. A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb... A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership." -------- WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS ********************************************************************** 1300.01 GENERAL 1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys. 2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited. 3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash. 4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft. 5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships. 7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys. 8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals. 9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it. 10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin. 11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. BAG LIMITS 1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2 2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1 3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4 4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3 5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2 6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT 7. Cut-throat 2 8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2 9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2 10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY 11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7 -------- Look, I'm tired of typing. Go buy the book: Larry Wilde, _The Ultimate Lawyers Joke Book_. Bantam books. $2.95 (Canada $3.95). ------------------------- cut here and insert in wallet -------------------- Ben Dover And C. Howlett Fields Attorneys At Law --------------------------------------------------------------------------- The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins: 1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty. 2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high. 3) Overcharging fees to many clients. 4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case. And the list goes on for quite awhile. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell." ---------------------------------------------------- When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet. ---------------------------------------------------- It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. ---------------------------------------------------- A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator." ---------------------------------------------------- There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow. ---------------------------------------------------- If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ---- It would be a good idea to just leave them there. ---------- Legal business card: Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe Attorneys at Law ---------- A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. ...Benjamin Franklin. ----------
english.217 todorp,
From: rnd@inel.gov (Randy Bewley) What does Kodak and a condom have in common? You use both to catch those special moments!!!
english.218 todorp,
From: sjreeves@eng.auburn.edu (Stan Reeves) Seen on a South Carolina road sign: ------------------------- |<-- Clinton 6 | | Prosperity 22 --> | ------------------------- | | | | | |
english.219 viktor,
A Contribution to the Mathematical Theory of Big Game Hunting H. Petard, Princeton, N. J., in American Mathematical Monthly, August, 1938 (translated from a German version) Problem: To Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert. 1. Mathematical Methods 1.1 The Hilbert (axiomatic) method We place a locked cage onto a given point in the desert. After that we introduce the following logical system: Axiom 1: The set of lions in the Sahara is not empty. Axiom 2: If there exists a lion in the Sahara, then there exists a lion in the cage. Procedure: If P is a theorem, and if the following is holds: "P implies Q", then Q is a theorem. Theorem 1: There exists a lion in the cage. 1.2 The geometrical inversion method We place a spherical cage in the desert, enter it and lock it from inside. We then perform an inversion with respect to the cage. Then the lion is inside the cage, and we are outside. 1.3 The projective geometry method Without loss of generality we can view the desert as a plane surface. We project the surface onto a line and afterwards the line onto an interiour point of the cage. Thereby the lion is mapped onto that same point. 1.4 The Bolzano-Weierstrass method Divide the desert by a line running from north to south. The lion is then either in the eastern or in the western part. Lets assume it is in the eastern part. Divide this part by a line running from east to west. The lion is either in the northern or in the southern part. Let's assume it is in the northern part. We can continue this process arbitrarily and thereby constructing with each step an increasingly narrow fence around the selected area. The diameter of the chosen partitions converges to zero so that the lion is caged into a fence of arbitrarily small diameter. 1.5 The set theoretical method We observe that the desert is a separable space. It therefore contains an enumerable dense set of points which constitutes a sequence with the lion as its limit. We silently approach the lion in this sequence, carrying the proper equipment with us. 1.6 The Peano method In the usual way construct a curve containing every point in the desert. It has been proven Š1Ć that such a curve can be traversed in arbitrarily short time. Now we traverse the curve, carrying a spear, in a time less than what it takes the lion to move a distance equal to its own length. 1.7 A topological method We observe that the lion possesses the topological gender of a torus. We embed the desert in a four dimensional space. Then it is possible to apply a deformation Š2Ć of such a kind that the lion when returning to the three dimensional space is all tied up in itself. It is then completely helpless. 1.8 The Cauchy method We examine a lion-valued function f(z). Let Đzeta be the cage. Consider the integral 1 Š f(z) ------- I --------- dz 2 Đpi i Ć z - Đzeta C where C represents the boundary of the desert. Its value is f(zeta), i.e. there is a lion in the cage Š3Ć. 1.9 The Wiener-Tauber method We obtain a tame lion, L_0, from the class L(-Đinfinity,Đinfinity), whose fourier transform vanishes nowhere. We put this lion somewhere in the desert. L_0 then converges toward our cage. According to the general Wiener-Tauner theorem Š4Ć every other lion L will converge toward the same cage. (Alternatively we can approximate L arbitrarily close by translating L_0 through the desert Š5Ć.) 2 Theoretical Physics Methods 2.1 The Dirac method We assert that wild lions can ipso facto not be observed in the Sahara desert. Therefore, if there are any lions at all in the desert, they are tame. We leave catching a tame lion as an execise to the reader. 2.2 The Schroedinger method At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the lion being in the cage. Sit and wait. 2.3 The nuclear physics method Insert a tame lion into the cage and apply a Majorana exchange operator Š6Ć on it and a wild lion. As a variant let us assume that we would like to catch (for argument's sake) a male lion. We insert a tame female lion into the cage and apply the Heisenberg exchange operator Š7Ć, exchanging spins. 2.4 A relativistic method All over the desert we distribute lion bait containing large amounts of the companion star of Sirius. After enough of the bait has been eaten we send a beam of light through the desert. This will curl around the lion so it gets all confused and can be approached without danger. 3 Experimental Physics Methods 3.1 The thermodynamics method We construct a semi-permeable membrane which lets everything but lions pass through. This we drag across the desert. 3.2 The atomic fission method We irradiate the desert with slow neutrons. The lion becomes radioactive and starts to disintegrate. Once the disintegration process is progressed far enough the lion will be unable to resist. 3.3 The magneto-optical method We plant a large, lense shaped field with cat mint (nepeta cataria) such that its axis is parallel to the direction of the horizontal component of the earth's magnetic field. We put the cage in one of the field's foci. Throughout the desert we distribute large amounts of magnetized spinach (spinacia oleracea) which has, as everybody knows, a high iron content. The spinach is eaten by vegetarian desert inhabitants which in turn are eaten by the lions. Afterwards the lions are oriented parallel to the earth's magnetic field and the resulting lion beam is focussed on the cage by the cat mint lense. References Š1Ć After Hilbert, cf. E. W. Hobson, "The Theory of Functions of a Real Variable and the Theory of Fourier's Series" (1927), vol. 1, pp 456-457 Š2Ć H. Seifert and W. Threlfall, "Lehrbuch der Topologie" (1934), pp 2-3 Š3Ć According to the Picard theorem (W. F. Osgood, Lehrbuch der Funktionentheorie, vol 1 (1928), p 178) it is possible to catch every lion except for at most one. Š4Ć N. Wiener, "The Fourier Integral and Certain of itsl Applications" (1933), pp 73-74 Š5Ć N. Wiener, ibid, p 89 Š6Ć cf e.g. H. A. Bethe and R. F. Bacher, "Reviews of Modern Physics", 8 (1936), pp 82-229, esp. pp 106-107 Š7Ć ibid " -- /* tdk -- SCARS/DSOB -- STScI */ /* "...archiving is one-way interchange with the future..." */
english.220 viktor,
----------------------------------------------------- Math Joke #8 A Physicist, a chemist and a mathematician were stranded on three different tropical islands and each had a canister of food, but no opener. The physicist laid his canister on a large rock and then threw smaller rocks at the lid until it was knocked open. The chemist searched the island for certain plants from which he fabricated an acid that eventually dissolved part of the lid. The mathematician wrote the following in the sand: Theorem: There exists a means of opening the canister. Proof: Assume the opposite . . . Weeks later his skeleton was found in the sand. ŠThis joke was sent to me in July, 1993 by Robert George of the Ohio State University Statistics Department.Ć ---
english.221 viktor,
--------------------------------------------------------------------- >Q: What's yellow and depends on the axiom of choice? > >A: Zorn's Lemmon. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's yellow and expressible in a power series? A: A bananalytic function. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q. What does a mathematician do before he drinks tea? A. He drinks t - 1. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a mountain climber? A: Nothing. The mountain climber is a scalar. interesantno ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A mathematician and a physicist were put into separate rooms, each containing a sink, a stove, and a kettle; each was told to boil some water. The mathematician took the kettle to the sink, filled it, put it on the stove and boiled the water. The physicist took the kettle to the sink, filled it, put it on the stove, and boiled the water. The next day both were brought back to their rooms and told to boil the water again; but the kettles still had water in them from the previous day. The physicist turned on the stove and boiled the water. The mathematician took the kettle to the sink and emptied it, stating, "We have now reduced the problem to a previous case!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The physicist says: "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is prime... 9... well, experimental error. 11 is prime... ..." The mathematician says: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime... therefore, by induction on 2n-1, all odd numbers are prime." The engineer says: "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is prime... 9 is prime... 11 is prime... ..." The chemist says: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime; well, I guess that's enough data!" The Biologist says: "What's a prime?" The programmer says: "Wait a minute, I think I have an algorithm from Knuth on finding prime numbers... just a little bit longer, I've found the last bug... no, that's not it... ya know, I think there may be a compiler bug here - oh, did you want IEEE-998.0334 rounding or not? - was that in the spec? - hold on, I've almost got it - I was up all night working on this program, ya know... now if management would just get me that new workstation tha just came out, I'd be done by now... etc., etc. ..." The computer scientist says: "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is prime... 7 is prime... 7 is prime... 7 is prime... ..." The psychologist says: "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is prime... 9 is latently prime but repressing it... 11 is prime... ..." The social scientist says: "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is prime... we'll pretend 9 is prime... 11 is prime... ..." The statistician says : "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is prime... from samples surveyed, all odd numbers are prime..." ---------------------------------------------------------------- TOP SUGGESTIONS ON TEACHING VECTOR CALCULUS 1. "Vector? I don't even know her..." 3. Mumble something on the first day of classes about always being turned on when you hear the word "matrix". 4. Never make eye contact. 5. When your students complain about having to invert a four by four matrix, yell: "Yeah? Well, when I was back in 'Nam, I had to invert ten by ten matrices with nothing but tree bark and my own blood for ink!" Then look dazed and clutch the nearest notebook firmly to your chest. 8. If your class starts at 6:15 a.m., then the only way your students are going to make it to class on time is if you give them daily wake up calls. Come to think of it, this isn't a bad idea, even if it starts at at 6:15 pm. If it starts at 6:15 p.m., you can create a nurturing learning enviornment by having the students rotate bringing deserts to class. Be sure to use one of the students as your taster. 9. When saying the phrase "least squares fit", make a little Elvis-esque pelvic thrust on the word "fit". 10. Have Jeff Goldblum make a special guest appearance. Tell him there are some cute looking babes in the class. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why mathematics and public policy should never mix. New York Times Headline Tuesday, June 29, 1993, one day after Andrew Wiles announced he had proved Fermat's Last Theorem U.S. SAID IT WAITED FOR CERTAIN PROOF BEFORE IRAQ RAID ------------------------------------------------------------------ A man comes to a psychiatrist and claims to be dead. No matter what arguments the psychiatrist uses, the patient refuses to believe he is alive. Finally the psychiatrist decides to try an indirect proof. "Do dead men bleed?" asked the psychiatrist. "No, of course not. Everybody knows that dead men don't bleed" replied the patient. "Well then, If I prick your finger with a pin and we squeeze out a drop of blood won't that mean that you're not dead?" "Yes," said the patient. The psychiatrist found a needle and pricked the patient's finger and squeezed out a drop of blood. "Okay, I was wrong" said the patient. "Dead men do bleed." ŠThis is a nice joke to tell just before or after doing an indirect proof with a class.Ć ----------------------------------------------------------------
english.222 viktor,
------------------------------------------------------ Math Joke #9 Four academics were traveling on a train to a convention in Scotland: a parapsychologist, a logician, a mathematician and a physicist. Through the window they all saw a lonely black sheep on a hill. "Look!" said the parapsychologist, "All sheep in Scotland are black." "You can't draw such a conclusion" replied the physicist. "The best we can say is that some sheep in Scotland are black." "Too vague," said the mathematician. "You're needlessly melding the vacuous case with the existential case. What one should say is that at least one sheep in Scotland is black." "You're all wrong." countered the logician. "All we can say is that at least one sheep in Scotland is black on at least one side at least some of the time." ŠThis joke is my version of one I read in Martin Gardner, Scientific American (December, 1974), page 136.Ć ------------------------------------------------------
english.223 viktor,
------------------------------------------------------------------- Ramanujan and Hardy were in a cab, when Hardy noticed that the number of their cab was 1729. He commented on this, saying that 1729 was a boring number. Ramanujan told Hardy, "No, on the contrary, 1729 is a very interesting number. It's the sum of cubes in two ways." Hardy responded, "I was just kidding, I know that. It's also the difference of the squares of two triangular numbers." Ramanujan responded, (COUGH, COUGH) "Well, it's also the year Britain got Gibraltar back!" Hardy retorted, "Well, it's ALSO the product of two numbers which together form a palindromic number representing the year in which a couple books WILL BE PUBLISHED about this encounter!!" Ramanujan retorted, "Well, it's also the number of times I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!!" Hardy screamed back, "Well, it's also the number of NUDE PICTURES I HAVE OF YOUR RELATIVES!" At that, the conversation degenerated into a free-for-all... ----------------------------------------------------------------
english.224 dejanr,
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: What an Ass! Keywords: smirk, sexual Message-ID: <S5ab.5237@clarinet.com> Date: 6 Aug 93 23:30:02 GMT Lines: 66 Approved: funny@clarinet.com The following was told to me recently by a Swiss friend - this is my translation. ---------------- One day, an old French sausage maker whose sausages were renowned worldwide decided the time had come for him to retire, but as the business had been in his family for generations and wanted to keep it so, he was keen his not too bright only son and heir take over the running. When his son came home, he announced to him, "Son, the time has come for you to take over the running my business, the business that has been in this family for generations. Come, I have some things to show you," and with that led his son across the courtyard to the place where he undertook his work. The son looked around the room and found a number of strange machines, ranging from the very old to the very modern. His father led him to the oldest machine and started to explain: "Son, this machine was invented by your Great-Grandfather, MY Grandfather. With this machine, he would put an ass in this end, and two hundred sausages would come out the other end. These sausages were renowned throughout the whole of Paris!" and with that he led his son on to the second more modern machine and continued with his explanation: "This machine here was invented by your Grandfather, MY father himself. With this machine he would put an ass in this end, and two thousand sausages would come out the other end. These sausages were renowned throughout the whole of Provence!" He next led his son to the third most modern machine: "This machine was invented by your own father, yes, me myself. With this machine I can put a ass after ass in this end and the sausages keep coming out the other end in their millions. These suasages are renowned worldwide." He then turned to his son, "So, you see, as well as taking over the running of the business, you must make your mark of generation by inventing your own machine." The son then took stock of the task and proceeded to think long and hard about what machine he could come up with to make his mark on the family business. Finally, after quite some time the son piped up, "Papa, I have an idea. How about if I make a machine where you put a sausage in one end, and an ass comes out the other." His father in disgust of the idea slapped his son saying, "You stupid boy, such a machine already exists - it's your mother!" _______________________________________________ Mark A Eve | Phone +44 272 228767 Hewlett Packard Labs | +44 272 799910 Filton Road | Fax +44 272 228924 Stoke Gifford | +44 272 228920 Bristol BS12 6QZ | mae@hplb.hpl.hp.com England | mae@hplgva.unige.ch _______________________________________________
english.225 niklaus,
I often keep asking myself: "Why do say TV SET when you get just ONE piece?" (:niklaus:)
english.226 dejanr,
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi are fishing in a rowboat. The priest and pastor are arguing about when life begins. The priest insists that life begins at the moment of conception -- the pastor believes it is at the moment of birth. After they go around a bit and can't agree -- they turn to rabbi and ask him to solve their dilemma. He simply states that life begins when your kids leave home and your dog dies.
english.227 dejanr,
The Devil comes to a lawyer, promissing him big money, power and glory. Lawyer: "What is it going to cost me?" Devil: "I want souls of your wife and children." Lawyer (pausing for a minute): "Well, so, where is the catch?"
english.228 akragl,
**************************************************** * A bus station is where buses stop. * * A train station is where trains stop. * * On my desk, there is a work station. * * --Anonymous * ****************************************************
english.229 zcvele,
Za ekipu koja u`iva u vicevima o plavu{ama. Pozdrav Cvele This is the most complete set of blonde jokes I have seen. This is the updated version, with (I think) all duplications removed. If you have a question, request for the jokes, duplication to point out, or one you think should be included, mail st17y@jetson.uh.edu. My thanks to Steve Dobbs for his large contribution to the list. There are 489 jokes in this list. 436 Q & A jokes, and 53 story and one liner jokes. (this does not include multiple answers to the same question. Including those it is about 480 jokes) There is also a blonde dictionary at the end. PLEASE, IF YOU COPY THIS OFF OF THE NET, PLEASE LEAVE MY NAME ON THE BOTTOM SO THAT I KNOW HOW MANY ARE FLOATING AROUND, AND THAT I GET CREDIT FOR THE TIME I SPENT ON IT. THANK YOU. Disclaimer: These are not my jokes, I only compiled them, any complaints should be posted on rec.humor, or directed towards your local congressman. Troy C. Belding 9/10/93 The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes ----------------------------------- plavuse.zip
english.230 bojans,
Evo poslastice za ljubitelje Monty Pythona. Nekoliko odabranih skečeva iz epizoda 'Monty Python Flying Circus' sa originalnim tekstom. Ako ste zainteresovani, ima još. (Preuzeto sa 'Blue Lightning' BBS-a) python.arj
english.231 nbatocanin,
P R I M E physicist: "3 is prime ... 5 is prime ... 7 is prime ... 9 ... well, experimental error ... 11 is prime ..." mathematician: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime ... therefore, by induction on 2n-1, all odd numbers are prime." engineer: "3 is prime ... 5 is prime ... 7 is prime ... 9 is prime ... ... 11 is prime ..." chemist: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime; well, I guess that's enough data!" biologist: "What's a prime?" computer scientist: "3 is prime ... 5 is prime ... 7 is prime ... 7 is prime ... ... 7 is prime ... 7 is prime ... " psyhologist: "3 is prime ... 5 is prime ... 7 is prime ... 9 is latently prime but repressing it ... 11 is prime ..." social scientist: "3 is prime ... 5 is prime ... 7 is prime ... we'll pretend 9 is prime ... 11 is prime ..." statistician: "3 is prime ... 5 is prime ... 7 is prime ... from samples surveyed, all odd numbers are prime ..." politician: "Some numbers are prime ... but the goal is to create a kinder, gentler country where all numbers are prime ..." economist: "Let's assume all odd numbers are prime." programmer: "Wait a minute, I think I have an algorithm from Knuth on finding prime numbers ... just a little bit longer, I've found the last bug ... no, that's not it ... ya know, I think there may be a compiler bug here - oh, did you want IEEE-998.0334 rounding or not? - was that in the spec? - hold on, I've almost got it - I was up all night working on this program, ya know ... now if management would just get me that new workstation tha just come out, I'd be done by now ... etc ... etc ..."
english.232 niklaus,
(nije baš za kidanje od smeha, ali zvuči lepo) I scream! You scream! We all scream for ice-cream. (:niklaus:) PS Potiče iz jedne stare, američke reklame za sladoled.
english.233 vlad,
> PS Potiče iz jedne stare, američke reklame za sladoled. Ja sam to prvi put video u filmu "Down by law" koji mi se i inace veoma dopao. Potpuno je otkacen. - Buzz off!!! - Bazz offa? Tenk you! Bazz offa to you too!!
english.234 ndragan,
/ PS Potiče iz jedne stare, američke reklame za sladoled. Jednom davno, na radio Luksemburgu: "Good old <name>, he's getting old, really. When he was young, the Dead Sea wast just slightly sick"
english.235 niklaus,
(:> - Buzz off!!! (:> - Bazz offa? Tenk you! Bazz offa to you too!! P1: Hau mač voč? (za ne-engleze: kol'ko je sati?) P2: Ten voč! P1: Tenk ju veri mač! (:niklaus:)
english.237 dr.grba,
>> P2: Ten voč! >> P1: Tenk ju veri mač! - O, it iz sač mač voč. - indid it iz.
english.238 peca.st,
!-> P1: Tenk ju veri mač! (umesto ovoga ide ovo:) P1: O, sač mač voč? Peđa.