english.1dejanr,
Prepisano iz "Far Eastern Economic Review", 28. 9. 1989:
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push the button for wishing floor. If the
cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a
number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically
by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your valuables at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
In a Yugoslav hotel:
The flattenning of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox
monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of the Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of finger; roasted duck let loose; beef
rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a Hongkong supermarket:
For your convenience, we recomend courteous, efficient
self-service.
In a Bankok dry cleaner:
Drop your trouses here for best results.
Outside Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
Outside a Hongkong dress shop:
Ladies have fits upstairs.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in a strict rotation.
From the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet
Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the
past two years.
In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the
contractor have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
people of different sex, for instance, men and woman, live
together in one tent unless they are married with each other
for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be
used for this purpose.
In an advertisment by a Hongkong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodist.
A translated sentence from the Russian chess book:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this
variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having
a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse driven city tours - we guarantee no
miscarriages.
Advertisment for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:
To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hongkong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop; Drive Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today - no ice cream.
In a Bankok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to
it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food,
give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist for women and other diseases.
In a Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personaly passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle to him. Trumpet
him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your
passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
-English well talking.
-Here speeching American.
Preuzeto sa JUPAK-a, konferencija UEK::JOKES.
Autor: R4IJS::STRITAR "Andrej Stritar, IJS, (61)-371-321"
english.2dejanr,
(Preuzeto sa BIX-a):
==========================
security/speak.easy #56, from greenber, 1149 chars, Thu Nov 9
09:41:57 1989
This is a comment to message 44.
There is/are comment(s) on this message.
--------------------------
A priest, a rabbi and a lawyer die. They wake up at the gates of
Heaven. There is St. Peter. He says "Now it is time to meet
your fate!"
He walks the priest to a doorway. "Father, you've been bad. You've
used the name of the Lord in vain, you've fornicated...this is
your eternal reward!" He throws the door open and inside are 17
deranged and rapid pit-bulls. He shoves the priest inside and
closes the door to the priest's howls and screams.
Moves down the hall. "Rabbi, you've been bad. You've broken 7
of the ten commandments. You've used your office for things
you shouldn't have -- including that young girl! this is your
eternal reward!" He opens the door, and there's a pit of
boiling mud. Throwing the rabbi into the pit, he closes the
door to the screams of terror and pain.
The lawyer is starting to get nervous.
"Now", says St. Peter, "the third door."
He opens it up. Inside, a bedroom. On the bed is a naked
Bo Derek, looking like she's ready for some action. The
lawyer's head starts to swim, he starts to smile...
St. Peter says: "Bo Derek, you've been bad!", throws the
lawyer in and locks the door.
english.3dejanr,
(Preuzeto sa BIX-a):
==========================
security/speak.easy #70, from david42, 202 chars, Sat Nov 18
02:07:08 1989
There is/are comment(s) on this message.
--------------------------
TITLE: What my attorney says...
I was having lunch with my attorney. She told me the following:
"How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? Watch their lips
very closely and when they start to move..."
english.4dejanr,
[Preuzeto sa JUPAK-a, konferencija UEK::JOKES
autor: HCATHY::POLONA "Polona Novak"]
If you get to a fork in the road, and you see Santa Claus,
the Easter Bunny, a good violist, and a bad violist,
who do you ask for directions?
Answer: the bad violist. All the others don't exist.
Definition of a string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist,
an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists.
How do you get 11 violinists to play in tune? Shoot 10 of them.
So how do you get 11 violists to play in tune? Shoot 11 of them.
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
In a bull, the horns are in front, and the ass is in back.
In the orchestra, the horns are in back, and the ass is in front.
What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
Vibrato.
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboes playing in unison.
How do you get a violist to play down bow staccatto?
Write a whole note and mark it "Solo"
Definition of Violist: someone who hangs around musicians.
There are only two instruments worse than a clarinet:
two clarinets.
A violin player had given a good recital, and afterwards
a lady came up to him and said "Maestro, that was beautiful,
and how good: all those fast notes!", to which the violinist
replied "Ah but dear lady, those were only sixteenth notes,
sometimes I play thirtsecondths!". The lady is completely
awestruck: "Oh please, maestro, could you play one for me?"
Follow-up to this joke:
when this joke was told among members of the concertgebouw orchestra
one of them ask the conductor, Bernard Haitink, "say, Hait,
can you conduct one for me?"
What's the difference between a piccolo trumpet player and a
seamstress?
A seamstress tucks frills.
english.5dejanr,
Par "prevoda" koji, čini mi se, nisu na SEZAM-u:
Dark job = Taman posla
Mary fuck the bumble bee = Mara jebala bumbara
Fuck the shop = Zajebi radnju
On the face of place = Na licu mesta
english.6dejanr,
[Napomena: nećete mnogo razumeti ako ne poznajete VAX/VMS i
to na nivou privilegovanog korisnika]
"This just can't happen to me, I've got access to SYSPRV, something
must be wrong"
Let's face it, there comes a time in every privileged user's life
when he/she finds out that privileges may have their uses, but don't
you wish you could use them in real life as well? Dream Equipment
Corparation has come up with the answer. A fully interfacable life
modification system that plugs straight between the unibus and
reality, and is ready and waiting to help the privileged user
run their lives.
$ set def life:
$ run lauthorze
LAF> Mod bike/noflat_tyre
Cosmic Universe Updated
$ set def lief:
$ run lauthorze
%LIFE-F-FNF, file not found lief:lauthorze
Do you wish to create a new life?
$ set def life:
$ run lauthorze
LAF> Mod fingers/nomistakes
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> Show headache
there are no defined hours of occurance
VICTIM: you SIGHT AFFECTATION: nil
DURATION: 2 hours ADDITIONS: Nausea, Cold Skin, Dry Tongue
BETA: .3 hours PAIN LIMIT: +2 (Richter)
AFTEREFFECTS: nil MAXIMUM PAIN LIMIT: infinite
PRIMARY DAYS: Sat Sun
SECONDARY DAYS: Mon Tues Wed Thur Fri
LAF> mod headache/victim="someone_else"/victim_type=prick
/pain_limit=7
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF>
$
$ set def life:
$ run lauthorze
LAF> mod bank_manager/thoughts="Give loans away freely"
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> Mod bank/nomortgage
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> Mod Miss_Universe/winner="Miss America"/loser="Miss Scandinavia"
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> Mod wage_scale/add=20000
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF>
$
$ set def life:
$ run lauthorze
LAF> Mod TV/More_Black_Adder/no_more_Dallas
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> Mod religion/nodoubts
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> Mod personality/life_and_soul_of_the_party
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF>
$
$ set def life:
$ run lauthorze
LAF> remove pope/heartattack
Cosmic Universe Updated, pope dies of heart attack
LAF> mod government/new_government=National
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> copy Fletcher_Challenge_Management
Government/head_man="Muldoon"/nostrikes
Cosmic Universe Update
LAF> add knowledge/access
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> sh me
Default Mother: Yours Default Father: Yours Birth Place: Yours
Name: Yours Age: Old enough Expiry Date: Soon!
Max Faults: Unlimited Max Lives: 9 Death place: Hospital
Max Wives: 3 Career: Computers Mode of Death: Resp
Failure
Privileges:
LIFEPRV, CHANGEAGE, MODLIFE, BYPASSALL, AVOIDDEATH, ALLOWALL
LAF> mod me/passaway
--- Universe Going Down --
--- Please adjust reality accordingly ---
[Autor: SimonT, Computer Services,
University of Waikato,
New Zealand. PSI (064) 71000004]
english.7dejanr,
Iz internog Hewlett-Packardovog biltena:
Single Instruction Set Computer
A recent trend in computer architecture, especially for
microprocessor implementations, is the Reduced Instruction
Set Computer (RISC). RISCs are characterized by a small
number of simple instructions that typically execute in
a single cycle. By combining this concept with a large,
high-speed register file, RISC proponents have produces
many machines that outperform their complex (CISC) brethern.
The SISC extends the concept of RISC architecture to the fullest
degree. Basically, the SISC implements single, yet extremely powerful
instruction. The result is a flexible , low-cost processor that
outperforms many designs containing tens of thousands more
transistors. Since there is only a single instruction, an
order-of-magnitude reduction in processor compexity is achieved.
The SISC operates with no instruction pipeline and no instruction
cache. These elements, which add cost and complexity to other
processors, are entirely unnecessary on the SISC: The "next"
instruction is always the sameas the previous one. There is no
need to fetch an opcode, and no need to decode one. Every cycle
is an execution on the SISC. And with no opcodes to fetch, there
is also no need for an instruction register or a program counter,
thus further simplifying the design.
The elegance of the SISC processor is embedded in its single
multipurpose instruction: INC A. This instruction, the only one
available on the SISC, adds one to the contents of the accumulator
and stores the result in the accumulator. The value of this approach
becomes apparent when one considers that both operands are implied
by the instruction itself, as is the destination. Consenquently,
no memory cycle is required. Ever. This leads to the surprising
result that the SISC can operate with no memory at all, a conclusion
we verified experimentally. The savings in memory management
circuitry, RAM control, and memory devices themselves are
substantial. It may be the second-biggest advantage SISC holds
over other, more traditional designs.
By far the first advantage is the elimination of software. Most
new processors suffer in the marketplace because of the initial
lack of programming tools and utilities. But the SISC, with only
one instruction, requires no software. INC A, INC A, INC A. That's
all there is to it.
A traditionalist may question the value of a processor with no
memory, no software, and only one instruction. But we have
verified, at least statistically, that the SISC can produce any
result that any other computer can produce. And it usually does
it faster.
In one test of the SISC's capabilities, an array of SISC preocessors
was used to drive a 1024x1024 raster graphics display. Each SISC
was wired to a sinlge pixel; the result held in each SISC's
accumulator selected a pixel's color and luminance parameters. When
the SISCs were fired up, the display produced a dazzling array of
images: a frowning Mona Lisa, a picture of what Gorbachev is doing
*right now*, and the complete set of blueprints for the Stealth
bombers (along with several decoys). So in addition to possible
applications in the arts, the SISC may have national security
applications. Other, more mundane, applications include an odometer
for automobiles, and tracking the national debt.
The current generation off SISC processors is fabricated of
germanium PNP transistors in TO-5 cans. Samples are available
now, with volume shipments beinning April 1st.
english.8dejanr,
[Preuzeto sa EXEC PC BBS-a]
Shareware will remain a viable marketing method as long as the
users who can't live without a Shareware product realize that
the Authors can't LIVE without their registration.
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. (Rick Heming's FAVORITE!)
You can lead a horse to water;
get him to float on his back & you've got something.
Quien mucho abarca poco aprieta. (Grab much, gain little.)
There's little worse than being peerless in a peer-review system.
Tom Robbins says...If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
When in darkness or in doubt, Run in circles, scream and shout.
Internal consistency is more highly valued than efficiency.
It won't work.
Always draw your curves then plot the readings.
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent.
Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by not simplifying.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
Thoreau says...Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
Voltaire says...Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought.
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
Gravity doesn't exist: the earth sucks.
Ahhhhhhhh, I forget what I was going to say.
Organization is the enemy of improvisation.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.
Let him who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
It works better if you plug it in.
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life
Pros are those who do their jobs well even when they don't feel like
it
Running a business is about 95% people and 5% economics.
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
Variables won't; constants aren't.
Interchangable devices won't.
Don't force it, get a larger hammer!
english.9dejanr,
I received the following from a NeXT mailing list, and just had
to post it here for all to read. --enjoy
-dennis
Japan's Got Us Beat
in the Service Department, Too
by Hilary Hinds Kitasei
My husband and I bought one souvenir the last time we were in
Tokyo -- a Sony compact disk player. The transaction took
seven minutes at the Odakyu Department Store, including time
to find the right department and to wait while the salesman
filled out a second charge slip after misspelling my husband's
name on the first.
My in-laws, who were our hosts in the outlying city of
Sagamihara, were eager to see their son's purchase, so he
opened the box for them to see the next morning. But when he
tried to demonstrate the player, it wouldn't work. We peered
inside. It had no innards! My husband used the time until
the Odakyu would open at 10:00 to practice for the rare
opportunity in that country to wax indignant. But at a
minute to 10:00 he was pre-empted by the store ringing us.
My mother-in-law took the call, and had to hold the receiver
away from her ear against the barrage of Japanese honorifics.
Odakyu's vice president was on his way over with a new disk
player.
A taxi pulled up 50 minutes later and spilled out the vice
president and a junior employee who was laden with packages
and a clipboard. In the entrance hall, the two men bowed
vigorously.
The younger man was still bobbing as he read from a log
that recorded the progress of their efforts to rectify their
mistake, beginning at 4:32 p.m. the day before, when the
salesclerk alerted the store's security guards to stop my
husband at the door. When that didn't work, the clerk turned
to his supervisor, who turned to his supervisor, until
a SWAT team leading all the way to the vice president
was in place to work on the only clues, a name and an
American Express card number. Remembering that the customer
had asked him about using the disk player in the U.S., the
clerk called 32 hotels in and around Tokyo to ask if a
Mr. Kitasei was registered. When that turned up nothing,
the Odakyu commandeered a staff member to stay until 9:00
p.m. to call American Express headquarters in New York.
American Express gave him our New York telephone number.
It was after 11 when he reached my parents, who were
staying at our apartment. My mother gave him my in-laws'
telephone number.
The younger man looked up from his clipboard and gave us,
in addition to the new $280 disk player, a set of towels,
a box of cakes, and a Chopin disk. Three minutes after
this exhausted pair had arrived, they were climbing back
into the waiting cab. The vice president suddenly dashed
back. He had forgotten to apologize for my husband having
to wait while the salesman had rewritten the charge slip,
but he hoped we understood that it had been the young man's
first day.
english.10dejanr,
[Sledeća tri šaljiva teksta sa raznih stranih BBS-ova
pronašli smo na WILDCAT BBS-u 041 446 700]
WHAT NOT TO NAME YOUR DOG!!!
============================
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I called
mine "Sex". Sex has been embarrassing to me. When I went to
the Post Office to renew his license, I told the clerk I would
like to have a license for Sex; he said he would like one too.
Then I said "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what
she looked like. Then I said "You don't understand. I have had
Sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a
kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog
with me. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and
me, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the
place was for sex. I said "You don't understand, Sex keeps me
awake at night. "The clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition
began, the dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was
standing there looking around. I told him I planned to have
Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own
tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have
Sex on TV. " He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for
custody of the dog, I said "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was
married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after
I was separated, Sex left me. He said "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around
town for him. A policeman came over to me and asked me, "What
are you doing in this alley at 04:00 in the morning?" I said,
"I am looking for Sex."
My case comes up on Friday.
english.11dejanr,
LOVE BYTES
( Or sex and the single computer )
Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His
broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with
numerous input/ output devices, even if it meant time-sharing.
One evening he arrived home just as the sun was crashing, and
had parked his Motorola 68000 in the main drive ( he had
missed the 5100 bus that morning ), when he noticed that an
elegant piece of hardware admiring the daisy wheels in his
garden. He thought to himself, "She looks user friendly. I'll
see if she'd like an update tonight."
Mini was her name , and she was delightfully engineered with
eyes like COBOL and a Prime mainframe architecture that set
micro's peripherals networking all over the place.
He browsed over her casually, admiring the power of her twin,
32-bit floating point processors and enquired, "How are you
Honeywell?" "Yes, I am well" she responded, batting her
optical fibres engagingly and smoothing her console over her
curvilinear functions. Micro settled for a straight line
approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight," he said. "How about
computing a vector to my base address. I'll output a byte to
eat, and maybe we could get offset later on."
Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds then
transmitted, "8K, I've been dumped myself recently, and a new
page is just what I need to refresh my discs. I'll park my
machine cycle in your back- ground and meet you inside." She
walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking,
"Wow, what a global variable, I wonder if she'll like my
firmware."
They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of
fiche and chips and a bucket of Baudot. Mini was in
conversation mode and expanded on ambiguous arguments while
Micro gave occasional acknowledgements although in reality, he
was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her
entry point. He finally settled on the old "would you like to
see my benchmark subroutine", but Mini was one step ahead.
Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to
reveal the full functionality operating system software.
"Let's get BASIC, you RAM," she said. Micro was loaded by this
stage, but his processor module had a processor of its own and
was in danger of overflowing its output buffer, a hang-up that
Micro had consulted his analyst about. "Core," was all that he
could say.
Micro soon recovered, however, when she went down on the DEC
and opened her device file to reveal her data set ready. He
accessed his fully packed root device and was just about to
start pushing into her CPU stack, when she attempted an escape
sequence.
"No No!" she piped. "You're not shielded."
"Reset, Baby," he replied. "I've been fully debugged."
"But I haven't got my current loop enabled and can't support
child processes," she protested.
"Don't run away," he said. "I'll generate an interrupt."
"No that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my
design philosophy."
Micro was locked in by this stage, and could not be turned
off. But she soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a
voltage spike into his main supply, whereupon he fell over
with a head crash and went to sleep.
"Computers," she thought as she compiled herself, "all they
ever think of is hex."
english.12dejanr,
Loonly Laws in L.A.
By Robert W. Pelton
L.A. Reader
Against the law to ride an "ugly horse?" Illegal for a fireman
to rescue a woman wearing a nightgown? Prohibited from walking
around with an ice-cream cone in your pocket? Author Samuel
Johnson once said, "The law is the last result of human wisdom
acting upon human experience for the benefit of the public." A
noble philosophy, perhaps, but Johnson's opinion is debatable
at best.
Officials who wrote some of the L.A. area's old laws appear to
have acted for no greater purpose than a good belly laugh. But
there are real reasons for some of these laws. For instance,
those regarding horses were largely passed to favor and
protect the horse in the late 1800s and early 1900s, when
horses were still the primary mode of transportation. An old
ordinance won't allow acrobats to perform on any city sidewalk
in L.A. because the city fathers decreed acrobatics might
frighten some of the local horses.
Clothing laws, by and large, originated around the same time
period. Laws dealing with women were always designed by men
who were often quite prejudiced by today's standards in their
thinking toward "the weaker sex."The extremely
fundamentalistic attitudes of many small-town religious
leaders often prevailed - hence, we find laws governing the
wearing of corsets, seem to have a special social
responsibility. An unusual piece of loony legislation says
every woman must "be found to be wearing a corset" when
attending any public dance. A physician is required to inspect
each female at the dance. The doctor must ascertain that the
woman is, in fact, complying with this archaic law.
Any laws having to do with Sunday were usually written and
passed as the need arose with the intent of keeping the
Sabbath holy. The church has enormous influence on laws
pertaining to gambling, curfews for young women, women
drinking alcoholic beverages, flirting, and even eating ice
cream. In Bonsall, no one is allowed to read the Sunday paper
while sitting in a rocking chair on their front porch while
church services are in session.
There's a strange ordinance in Covina where "A husband is not
guilty of desertion when his wife rents his room to a boarder
and crowds him out of the house."
Drivers in Hemet should be aware that the driver of "any
vehicle involved in an accident resulting in death...shall
immediately stop...and give his name and address to the person
struck."
A true dog lover, according to City Manager Doug Weiford,
might enjoy living in Riverside. An old piece of legislation
stops local citizens from "sticking out a tongue in the
direction of a dog." Nor can people living in Ventura make
"ugly faces" at dogs who are found to be "freely roaming" the
community. Animals appear to be treated fairly in Upland but
pity the poor owner: "It shall be unlawful for the owner or
keeper of horses, mules, cattle, sheep, goats, and hogs to run
at large." And don't bother duck hunting at night in Apple
Valley. Ducks aren't allowed to be heard quacking after 10:00
p.m.
Do you have difficulty flirting? You can't, according to the
municipal code in Inglewood: "It is unlawful for any male
person, within the corporate limits of the city of Inglewood,
to wink at any female person with whom he is unacquainted."
Beverly Hills also has an anti-flirting law. City Managed Ed
Kreins quotes this ordinance: "No male person shall make
remarks to or concerning, or cough or whistle at, or do any
other act to attract the attention of any woman upon or
traveling along any of the sidewalks."
Males in Buena Park have an even more difficult time in this
regard. They are specifically prohibited from "turning and
looking at a woman in that way" on the Sabbath. If he's caught
a second time, the violator has to "wear horse blinders" for a
24-hour period in public.
Community lawmakers do sometimes have a sense of humor.
According to City Manager Ralph Webb, Baldwin Park politicos
once decreed that "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on
any street within this community unless she is escorted by at
least two officers or unless she be armed with a club." An
amendment to the original ordinance reads "The provisions of
this status shall not apply to females weighing less than 90
pounds or exceeding 200 pounds nor shall it apply to female
horses."
You probably don't know that Santa Monica has a "bean snapper"
law. City Manager John Jalili declares: "Any person who shall
in the city of Santa Monica use or carry concealed or
unconcealed any bean snapper or like article, shall, upon
conviction, be fined."
Drivers beware when going through Los Angeles County. An early
speed law was worded: "Speed upon county roads will be limited
to 10 miles an hour unless the motorist sees a bailiff who
does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days, then the
driver will be permitted to make what he can." And "Whoever
operates an automobile on any public way - laid out under the
authority of law recklessly or while under the influence of
liquor shall be punished; thereby imposing upon the motorist
the duty of finding out at his peril whether certain highways
had been laid out recklessly or while under the influence of
liquor before driving his car over them." You figure it out.
In the same vein, there's a beauty from Whittier that says
"Two vehicles which are passing each other in opposite
directions shall have the right of way." Uh huh.
An old-fashioned piece of legislation in Hesperia outlaws
dueling under certain circumstances: no one is allowed to duel
when the opponents select water pistols for use as the
weapons.
Monrovia has a unique old wedding law. No young man can marry
the girl of his dreams until he has "proven his manhood." How?
It's quite simple; all the poor fellow is required to do is go
out and shoot six blackbirds or three crows which must then be
brought to his prospective father-in-law.
Stay away from Compton while wearing slack with hip pockets.
The city fathers long ago passed an ordinance banning hip
pockets in all men's pants - it was considered to be a perfect
place to hide a pint of liquor. Let's hope thirst doesn't
become a major problem if you're a woman in Ojai. No female
can expect to walk into a tavern and be graciously served.
It's illegal for a woman to stand within five feet of a bar
when she takes a drink in any public establishment serving
alcoholic beverages. She's in violation of this law even if
she only wants a glass of water!
A thirsty married man, according to the law in Camarillo,
could have serious problems. He can't purchase any form of
liquor without first having the written consent of his loving
spouse. And an old law in Gardena, according to City Manager
Ken Landau, prohibits a woman from chewing tobacco without
first having permission from her husband.
You could be breaking the law when you're just trying to have
an innocent night out. Boisterous adults and children can be
penalized in Mailbu should they "laugh out loud" in a movie
theater. And in Costa Mesa, citizens aren't allowed to enter a
movie theater within four hours of eating garlic.
Don't even thing of playing cards with a pregnant woman or a
child on the curb of any street in Temecula. And according to
the revised ordinances in Pomona, "No person shall hallo,
shout, bawl, scream, use profane language, dance, sing, whoop,
quarrel, or make any unusual noise or sound in any house in
such a manner as to disturb the peace and quiet of the
neighborhood."
Fashion can be dangerous. In Norwalk, "Any person who shall
wear in a public place any device or thing attached to her
head, hair, headgear or hat, which device or thing is capable
or lacerating the flesh of any other person with whom it may
come in contact and which is not sufficiently guarded against
the possibility of so doing, shall be adjudged a disorderly
person." Watch out, fashion victims.
If you've been out on the trail a bit too long and your horse
is weary, be sure you don't let it fall asleep within the city
limits of El Monte. They have an antiquated law in them parts
then prohibits a horse from falling asleep in a bathtub,
unless the rider is also sleeping with the horse. And if you
own a horse in Pico Rivera, it's strictly forbidden - if
you're a woman, attired in shorts, and you weigh over 200
pounds - to ride your horse in public. In Santa Ana, it's
illegal to let a horse sleep in a bakery.
You've got to be careful even when you're hungry. If you can't
find a can opener, whatever you do, don't try to shoot your
canned foods open with a revolver in Victorville. And if
you're a barber in Valencia, don't dare eat onions between the
hours of 7:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m.
Ice cream crops up quite a few times in the various cities'
law books. In Chino, citizens are prohibited from carrying an
ice-cream cone in their pocket, and in Rosemead, it's against
the law to eat an ice cream in public with a fork.
Try to stay away from Arcadia if you're planning to take you
date for a late cup of coffee. An old ordinance prohibits
"young women" from drinking a delicious cup of brew after 6:00
p.m. Speaking of drinking, a law in Bellflower actually offers
a degree of protection to drunks: "A drunk man had as good a
right to a perfect sidewalk as a sober man since he needs one
a good deal more."
Have to pay a visit to a dentist in the near future? In Irvine
a patient is not allowed to pull a dentist's tooth. Those who
partake of such frivolous activities can be jailed. But in
Castaic, fairness seems to govern the thinking of former
lawmakers. A dentist had better not accidentally pull the
wrong tooth. Should this happen, the patient has the right to
pull one of the dentist's teeth in return.
These are merely a few of the unusual situations covered by
ludicrous laws throughout the Los Angeles area. Most of these
decrees were written and then forgotten with the swift passage
of time. Relevant or ridiculous, most are still around today.
Clergyman Henry Ward Beecher said it all when he summed up his
view on the art of lawmaking: "We bury men when they are dead,
but we try to embalm the dead body of laws, keeping the corpse
in sight long after the vitality has gone. It usually takes a
hundred years to make a law; and then, after the law had done
its work, it usually takes another hundred years to get rid of
it."
english.13dejanr,
==========================
ask.bix/info.cbix2 #1184, from richard.pini, 471 chars,
Wed May 23 16:17:41 1990
This is a comment to message 1180.
--------------------------
I suspect he meant that the individual who was responsible for
defining ketchup as a vegetable is himself a vegetable.
Ronald and Nancy went out to a fine restaurant one evening for
dinner. They were seated and the waiter asked Nancy what she
would have for the appetizer; she replied,
"The pate."
"And for the soup?"
"I'll have the cream of asparagus."
"And for the entree?"
"The rack of lamb."
"And for the vegetable?"
"Oh, he'll have the same as me..."
english.14dejanr,
THE CONTRIBUTIONS OF EDSEL MURPHY
TO THE UNDERSTANDING OF THE BEHAVIOR
OF INANIMATE OBJECTS
I. Introduction
It has long been the consideration of the author that the
contributions of Edsel Murphy, specifically his general and
special laws delineating the behavior of inanimate objects,
have not been fully appreciated. It is deemed that this is, in
large part, due to the inherent simplicity of the law itself.
It is the intent of the author to show, by references drawn
from the literature, that the law of Murphy has produced
numerous corollaries. It is hoped that by noting these
examples, the reader may obtain a greater appreciation of
Edsel Murphy, his law, and its ramifications in engineering
and science.
As well known to those versed in the state-of-the-art,
Murphy's Law states that "If anything can go wrong, it will."
Or. to state it in more exact mathematical form: 1 + 1 (=) 2
where (=) is the mathematical symbol for hardly ever.
Some authorities have held that Murphy's Law was first
expounded by H. Cohen when he stated that "If anything con go
wrong, it will-during the demonstration." however, Chohen has
made it clear that the broader scope of Murphy's general law
obviously takes precedence.
To show the all-pervasive nature of Murphy's work, the author
offers a small sample of the application of the law in
electronics engineering.
II. General Engineering
II.1 A patent application will be preceded by one week by a
similar application made by an independent worker.
II.2 The more innocuous a design change appears, the further
its influence will extend.
II.3 All warranty and guarantee clauses become void upon
payment of invoice.
II.4 The necessity of making a major design change increases
as the fabrication of the system approaches completion.
II.5 Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional to
the tightness of the schedule.
II.6 Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable
terms. Velocity, for example will be expressed in furlongs per
fortnight.
II.7 An important instruction manual or operating manual will
have been discarded by the receiving department.
II.8 Suggestions made by the value analysis group will
increase costs and reduce capabilities.
II.9 Original drawings will be mangled by the copying machine.
III. Mathematics
III.1 In any given miscalculation, the fault will never be
placed if more than one person is involved.
III.2 Any error that can creep in, will. It will be in the
direction that will do the most damage to the calculation.
III.3 All constants are variables.
III.4 A decimal will always be misplaced.
III.5 In any given computation, the figure that is most
obviously correct will be the source of error.
III.6 In a complex calculation, one factor from the numerator
will always move into the denominator.
IV. Prototyping and Production
IV.1 Any wire cut to length will be too short.
IV.2 Tolerances will accumulate undirectionally toward maximum
difficulty of assembly.
IV.3 Identical units tested under identical conditions will
not be identical in the field.
IV.4 The availability of a component is inversely proportional
to the need for that component.
IV.5 If a project requires n components, there will be n-1
units in stock.
IV.6 If a particular resistance is needed, that value will not
be available. Further, it cannot be developed with any
available series or parallel combinations.
IV.7 A dropped tool will land where it can do the most damage.
(Also known as the law of selective gravitation.)
IV.8 A device selected at random from a group having 99%
reliability, will be a member of the 1% group.
IV.9 When one connects a 3-phase line, the phase sequence will
be wrong.
IV.10 A motor will rotate in the wrong direction.
IV.11 The probability of a dimension being omitted from a plan
or drawing is directly proportional to its importance.
IV.12 Interchangeable parts won't.
IV.13 Probability of failure of a component, assembly,
subsystem or system is inversely proportional to ease of
repair or replacement.
IV.14 If a prototype functions perfectly, subsequent
production units will malfunction.
IV.15 Components that must not and cannot be assembled
improperly will be.
IV.16 A d.c. meter will be used on an overly sensitive range
and will be wired in backwards.
IV.17 The most delicate component will drop.
IV.18 Graphics recorders will deposit more ink on humans than
on paper.
IV.19 If a circuit cannot fail, it will.
IV.20 A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
IV.21 An instantaneous power-supply crowbar circuit will
operate too late.
IV.22 A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will
protect the fuse by flowing first.
IV.23 A self-starting oscillator won't.
IV.24 A crystal oscillator will oscillate at the wrong
frequency - if it oscillates.
IV.25 A pnp transistor will be an npn.
IV.26 A zero-temperature-coeficient capacitor used in a
critical circuit will have a TC of -750/oC
IV.27 A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final
inspection.
IV.28 A purchased component or instrument will meet its specs
long enough, and long enough, to pass incoming inspection.
V.1 A specified environmental conditions will always be
exceeded.
V.2 Any safety factor set as a result of practical experience
will be exceeded.
V.3 Manufacturer's spec sheets will be incorrect by a factor
of 0.5 or 2.0, depending on which multiplier gives the most
optimistic value. For salesmen's claims these factors will be
0.1 or 10.0.
V.4 In an instrument of device characterized by a number of
plus-or-minus errors, the total error will be the sum of all
errors adding in the same direction.
V.5 In any given price estimate, cost of equipment will exceed
estimate by a factor of 3.
V.6 In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
[Preuzeto sa WILDCAT BBS-a]
english.15dejanr,
The Perfect Programmer
"No program is that perfect."
They said with a shrug.
"The client is happy..
What's one little bug?"
But he was determined.
The others went home.
He dug out the flow chart
Deserted, alone.
Night passed into morning
The room was cluttered
With memory dumps, microfiche,
"I'm close," he muttered.
Chain smoking, cold coffee,
Logic, deduction.
"I've got it," he cried. "just
change one instruction."
Then change two, then three more
As year followed year.
And strangers would comment.
"Is that guy still here?"
He died at the console
Of hunger and thirst.
Next day he was buried
Face down, nine edge first.
And his wife through her tears.
Accepted his fate.
Said, "He's not really gone,
He's just working late."
[Preuzeto sa WILDCAT BBS-a]
english.16dejanr,
A long-overdue attack on Natural Childbirth
Let's take just a quick look at the history of baby-having.
For thousands of years only women had babies. Primitive women
would go off into primitive huts and groan and wail and sweat
while other women hovered around. The primitive may stayed
outside doing manly things, such as lifting heavy objects and
spitting.
When the baby was born, the women would clean it up as best
they could and show it to the men, who would spit
appreciatively and head off to the forest to throw sharp
sticks at small animals. If you had suggested to primitive men
that they should actually watch women have babies, they would
have laughed at you and probably tortured you three or four
days. They were real men.
At the beginning of the 20th Century, women started having
babies in hospital rooms. Often males were present, but they
were professional doctors who were paid large sums of money
and wore masks. Normal civilian males continued to stay out of
the baby-having area; they remained in waiting rooms reading
old copies of Field and Stream, an activity that is less manly
than lifting heavy objects but still reasonably manly.
What I'm getting at is that for most of history, baby-having
was mainly in the hands (so to speak) of women. Many fine
people were born under this system. Charles Lindburgh, for
example.
Things changed, though, in the 1970's. The birth rate dropped
sharply. Women started going to college and driving bulldozers
and carrying briefcases and freely using words such as
"debenture". They just didn't have time to have babies. For a
while there, the only people having babies were unwed teenage
girls, who were very fertile and could get pregnant merely by
standing downwind from teenage boys.
Then, young professional couples began to realize their lives
were missing something; a sense of stability, of
companionship, of responsibility for another life. So they got
Labrador Retrievers. A little later, they started having
babies again, mainly because of the tax advantages. These days
you can't open your car door without hitting a pregnant women.
But there's a catch: Women now expect men to watch them have
babies. This is called "natural childbirth", which is one of
those terms that sounds terrific but that nobody understands.
Another one is "PH balanced".
At first, natural childbirth was popular only with hippie-
type, granola-oriented couples who lived in geodesic domes and
named their babies things like Peace Love World Understanding
Harrington-Schwartz. The males, their brains badly corroded by
drugs and organic food, wrote smarmy articles about what a
Meaningful Experience it is to see a New Life Come Into The
World. None of these articles mentioned the various other
fluids and solids that come into the world with the New Life,
so people got the impression that watching somebody having a
baby was just a peck of meaningful fun. At cocktail parties,
you'd run into natural-childbirth converts who would drone on
for hours, giving you a contraction-by-contraction account of
what went on in the delivery room. They were worse than
Moonies, or people who tell you how much they bought their
houses for in 1976 and how much they're worth today.
Before long, natural childbirth was everywhere, like salad
bars; and now, perfectly innocent civilian males all over the
country are required by federal law to watch females having
babies. I recently had to watch my wife have a baby.
First, we had to go to 10 evening childbirth classes at the
hospital. Before the classes, the hospital told us,
mysteriously, to bring two pillows. This was my first
humiliation because no two of our pillowcases match and many
have beer or cranberry-juice stains. It may be possible to
walk down the streets of Kuala Lumpar with stained, unmatched
pillowcases and still feel dignified, but this is not possible
in American hospitals.
Anyway, we showed up for the first class, along with about 15
other couples consisting of women who were going to have
babies and men who were going to have to watch them. They all
had matching pillowcases. If fact, some had previously
purchased tasteful pillowcases especially for childbirth
class; these were the trendy couples, wearing golf and tennis
apparel, who were planning to have wealthy babies. They sat
together through all the classes, and eventually agreed to get
together for brunch.
The classes consisted of sitting in a brightly lit room and
openly discussing, among other things, the uterus. Now I can
remember a time that I would have killed for reliable
information on the uterus. But having discussed it at length,
having seen actual full-color diagrams, I must say in all
honesty that although I respect it a great deal as an organ,
it has lost much of its charm.
Our instructor was very big on the uterus because that's where
babies generally spend their time before birth. She also spent
some time on the ovum, which is near the ovaries. What happens
is the ovum hangs around reading novels and eating chocolates
until along comes this crowd of spermatozoa, which are very
tiny, very stupid one-celled organisms. They're looking for
the ovum, but most of them wouldn't know it if they fell over
it. They swim around for days, trying to mate with the
pancreas and whatever other organs they bump into. But
eventually one stumbles into the ovum, and the happy couple
parades down the Fallopian tubes to the uterus.
In the uterus, the Miracle of Life begins, unless you believe
the Miracle of Life does not begin there, and if you think I'm
going to get into that, you're crazy. Anyway, the ovum starts
growing rapidly and dividing into lots of specialized parts,
not unlike the federal government. Within six weeks, it has
developed all the organs it needs to drool; by 10 weeks, it
has the ability to cry in restaurants. In childbirth class,
they showed us actual pictures of a fetus developing in a
uterus. They didn't tell us how these pictures were taken, but
I suspect it involved a great deal of drinking.
We saw lots of pictures. One evening, we saw a movie of a
woman we didn't even know having a baby. I am serious. Some
woman actually let moviemakers film the whole thing. In color.
She was from California. Another time, the instructor
announced, in the tone of voice that you might use to tell
people they had won a trip to Hawaii, that we were going to
see color slides of a Caesarian section. The first slides
showed a pregnant woman cheerfully entering the hospital. The
last slides showed her cheerfully holding a baby. The middle
slides showed how the got the baby out of the cheerful woman,
but I can't give you a lot of detail here because I had to go
out for 15 or 20 drinks of water. I do remember that at one
point our instructor cheerfully observed that there was
"surprisingly little blood, really". She evidently felt this
was a real selling point.
When we weren't looking at pictures or discussing the uterus,
we practiced breathing. This is what happens when the baby
gets ready to leave the uterus, the woman goes through a
series of what the medical community laughingly refers to as
"contractions". If it referred to them as "horrible pains that
make you wonder why the hell you ever decided to get
pregnant", people might stop having babies and the medical
community would have to go into the major-appliance business.
In the old days, under President Eisenhower, doctors avoided
the contraction problems by giving lots of drugs to women
having babies. They'd knock them out during the delivery, and
the women would wake up when their kids were entering the
fourth grade. But the idea with natural childbirth is to try
to avoid giving the woman a lot of drugs so she can share the
first intimate moments after birth with the baby and father
and the obstetrician and the pediatrician and the standby
anesthesiologist and several nurses and the person who cleans
the delivery room.
The key to avoiding drugs, according to the natural-childbirth
people, is for the woman to breath deeply. Really. The theory
is that if she breaths deeply, she'll get all relaxed and
won't notice that she's in a hospital delivery room wearing a
truly perverted garment and having a baby. I'm not sure who
came up with the theory. Whoever it was evidently believed
that women have very small brains. So, in childbirth classes,
we spend a lot of time sprawled out on these mats with our
pillows while the women pretended to have contractions and the
men squatted around with stopwatches and pretended to time
them. The trendy couples didn't care for this part. They were
not into squatting. After a couple of classes, they started
bringing little backgammon sets and playing backgammon when
they were supposed to be practicing breathing. I imagine they
had a rough time in actual childbirth, unless they got the
servants to have contractions for them.
Anyway, my wife and I traipsed along for months, breathing and
timing, respectively. We had no problems whatsoever. We were a
terrific team. We had a swell time. Really.
The actual delivery was slightly more difficult. I don't want
to name names, but I held up my end. I had my stopwatch in
good working order and I told my wife to breath. "Don't forget
to breath", I'd say, or, "you should breath, you know". She,
on the other hand, was unusually cranky. For example, she
didn't want me to use my stopwatch. Can you imagine? All that
practice, all that squatting on the natural-childbirth
classroom floor, and she suddenly gets into this big snit
about stopwatches. Also, she almost completely lost her sense
of humor. At one point, I made an especially amusing remark,
and she tried to hit me. She usually has an excellent sense of
humor.
Nonetheless, the baby came out alright, or least alright for
newborn babies, which is actually pretty awful unless your a
fan of slime. I thought I had held up well when the doctor,
who up to then had behaved like a perfectly rational person,
said, "Would you like to see the placenta?". Now lets face it:
That is like asking, "Would you like me to pour hot tar into
your nostrils?". Nobody would like to see a placenta. If
anything, it would be a form of punishment.
Jury: We find the defendant guilty of stealing from the old
and crippled.
Judge: I sentence the defendant to look at three placentas.
But without waiting for an answer, the doctor held up the
placenta, not unlike the way you might hold up a bowling
trophy. I bet he wouldn't have tried that with people who have
matching pillowcases.
The placenta aside, everything worked out fine. We ended up
with an extremely healthy, organic, natural baby, who
immediately demanded to be put back into the uterus.
All in all, I'd say it's not a bad way to reproduce, although
I understand that some members of the flatworm family simply
divide into two.
[Preuzeto sa WILDCAT BBS-a]
english.17dejanr,
Sex is like snow.
You never know how many inches you'll get, and how
long it will last
[Preuzeto sa UEK::JOKES, autor CATHY::DAISY]
english.18dejanr,
[Nova tema chatter.comic sa BIX-a]
==========================
chatter/comic #1, from bozlee, 222 chars,
Mon Jul 2 22:44:26 1990
--------------------------
TITLE: FIRST IN LINE!!!!
Hear the story about the guy who walks into a doctors office
with a duck on his head? The Doc says "What is the problem?"
The duck says, "would you believe this started out as a wart
on my butt?"
==========================
chatter/comic #2, from jenn, 403 chars,
Mon Jul 2 22:55:43 1990
--------------------------
TITLE: Hmm...I'll refrain from saying that I'm behind
boz...hehe.. Two really stupid guys. Really stupid.
Driving down a street. The really stupid driver turns
to the really stupid passenger and asks if he'll
lean out the window and see if his blinkers are
working. The stupid passenger says 'Sure'.
Stupid driver says "Well, are they working?" Stupid
passenger says "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No...."
english.19lanik,
--------------------------------------------------------------------
What glows and goes "Yow!"?
A lightning bug trying to make love to a lit cigarette!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Prezocki is in the hospital.
She says, "Doctor, how long after my operation do I have to wait to
have sex?
He says, "You know, Mrs. Prezocki, you're the firs woman that ever
asked me that before a tonsillectomy!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A little old lady walks into the drug store.
She says to the guy behind the counter, "Have you got cotton balls?"
He says, "What do I look like, lady? A rag doll?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Polish mosquito?
Died of malaria!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the Polish girl stop wearing her training bra?
The wheels were irritating her armpits!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Dirty Johhny says to Loose Lisa, "Lisa, I'd really like to get in
your pants!"
She says, "Why, John?"
He says, "I just went in mine!!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fellows are walking along the beach. A seagull unloads on the
first guy's shoulder.
The second guy says, "You want me to get some toilet paper?"
The first guy says, "Nah, it's probably miles away by now!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
english.20dejanr,
[Preuzeto sa DECnet-a, autor je izvesni Leon iz Amsterdama.
Ali može se ponešto naučiti...]
Please stop complaining about the mail system. It works for us,
and we use it more than you do. If there are some features you
think might be missing, if the system isn't as simple to use
as you think it should be, TOUGH! Go back to writing letters,
we don't need you. See Figure 1.
---------------------------------
! _ !
! { } !
! ! ! !
! ! ! !
! .-.! !.-. !
! .-! ! ! !.-. !
! ! ! ! ; !
! \ ; !
! \ ; !
! ! : !
! ! ! !
! ! ! !
! !
---------------------------------
Figure 1.
Forget about your silly problem, let's take a look at some of
the features of our mail system:
1) Address Syntax.
We can understand lots of address formats. We take them in
and turn them around a few times until we something suitable
for sending out. Mixed syntax addresses get unmixed. We think
it's great. So, you don't want your addresses turned around?
You actually want to use mixed addresses? Too bad. You
shouldn't need to anyway. See Figure 1.
2) NRS addresses.
In the UK our domain addresses are the "other way round"
(like the way we drive on the left). But our mailer will take
your address in either order and figure out which way round
it should be. So mail to your Computer Science Dept. sometimes
goes to Czechoslovakia instead. Tough. Get Czechoslovakia to
change its name. Anyway, we told the JNT about the domain
ordering problem a long time ago. They said "See Figure 1".
3) Host Hiding.
Works just fine. All these machines look like one mail host,
and we have tables set up so mail coming in from anywhere is
sent to the machine with your mailbox on it. You can't access
that machine? Too bad. You can even try redirecting mail to
another machine. Of course, if its a machine we control we'll
probably send it right back again. Tough. See Figure 1.
4) Tailored Delivery.
We can do it. You can get a vacation program to automatically
reply to people who send you mail when you are away. Then their
vacation programs can reply to your vacation program. And your
vacation program can reply to their replies. But don't think you
can get away with all this junk mail for long, because we can
hit you with ...
5) Authorization.
We can stop sites sending mail or receiving mail through our
system. We can even pick on individual users. Oh, you mean you
can't send mail to us any more. Tough, we didn't want your
complaints anyway. See Figure 1.
6) Error messages.
If you don't understand them, ignore them. Why give yourself
an ulcer? Try sending your message again, or else use the phone
instead. Don't waste time mailing us about it, we're not
interested. See Figure 1.
7) Performance.
Who needs it? If the machine is too slow for you, buy another
one. We'll keep this as the mail machine. Anyway, you wait until
X.400 arrives. We spoke to the OSI developers about performance,
they think a lot like we do, they said "See Figure 1".
In conclusion, love the mail system or leave it, but don't complain.
english.21dejanr,
============================================================================
Note 160.0 Jokes from EUNET 7 replies
UEK::MATJAZ "Matjaz Rihtar" 29 lines 30-JUL-1990 16:21
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: gtaylor@cs.strath.ac.uk (George M Taylor IE87)
Subject: In poor taste...
Date: 21 Nov 89 09:59:27 GMT
This family are sitting at home watching TV. Mother, father and daughter.
The mother suggests that someone else makes the suppper for a change. But
father & daughter both refuse, and a fight starts.
A compromise is reached after much shouting. The next person to speak, makes
supper. So all 3 sit silent for an hour until the daughters boy friend walks
in. He says "Hello", but gets no response. He tries to start up a conversation
with them but fails. So he sits next to the girl and watches TV with them...
After a while he gets bored and starts to let his hand wander on to the girls
knee. No one talks any notice. So he lets his hands wander futher up her dress.
No one bothers. So he starts to undress his girl friend. Still nothing is said.
Before long hes got her onto the floor and giving it to her good...
When he finishes the girl gets up, dresses, nd sits down to watch television
as if nothing had happend. Neither her mother or father do anything but watch
the TV. After another hour, the boy friend gets bored, and wanting to see how
far he can push his luck, starts to undress the mother (whos not bad looking!)
Before long hes giving the mother the same treatment on the floor.
When hes finished, she gets dress and goes back to watching the TV.
Feeling in need of some refreshment the boy fiend goes through to the kitchen
and start to make a coffee for himself. While hes pouring the hot water he
burns himself so he goes back to were the family are sitting and asks:
Boyfiend : "Anyone got a jar of vaseline"
Father : "I'LL MAKE THE SUPPER ....!"
english.22dejanr,
=============================================================================
Note 160.1 Jokes from EUNET 1 of 7
UEK::MATJAZ "Matjaz Rihtar" 8 lines 30-JUL-1990 16:21
-< joker >-
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: joker
Date: 11 Nov 89 15:07:55 GMT
The man ordered a good, cold martini. The waitress, being talkative
says:
"Here is something new, a icecube with a hole in it"
"What is so new about that. That is just the descriptions of my wife"
english.23dejanr,
=============================================================================
Note 160.2 Jokes from EUNET 2 of 7
UEK::MATJAZ "Matjaz Rihtar" 20 lines 30-JUL-1990 16:22
-< Re: Mero Tranzladeenz!!! >-
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: jeanpaul@duteca (J.P.M. van der Jagt)
Subject: Re: Mero Tranzladeenz!!!
Date: 24 Nov 89 10:28:48 GMT
There was this man in a restaurant who had ordered some soup. But the waiter
kept him waiting (what else does a waiter do). The guy sitting next to him
*did* have a dish with soup in front of him on the table, but he wasn't eating
it. So our man takes this dish with soup and starts eating. When he's almost
finished he noticed a dirty hairy comb lying on the bottom of the dish, so he
puked all the soup back into the dish.
Says the guy next to him: "That's just as far as I got."
----------------------------------------------------------
| J.P.M. van der Jagt |\ %%%%%% %%%%%
| Delft University of Technology | \ % % %
| Dept. of Elect. Engineering, room 10.05 | > % %%%%%
| P.O. Box 5031, 2600 GA Delft, The Netherlands | / % % %
| Phone: 31-15-781366 Email: jeanpaul@duteca.tudelft.nl |/ %%%% %
----------------------------------------------------------
%%%%%%% Progression is getting used to things you didn't ask for %%%%%%%
english.24dejanr,
=============================================================================
Note 160.3 Jokes from EUNET 3 of 7
UEK::MATJAZ "Matjaz Rihtar" 130 lines 30-JUL-1990 16:22
-< Boyfriends & Girlfriends >-
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: fkk@stasys.UUCP (Frank Kaefer)
Subject: Boyfriends & Girlfriends
Date: 10 Dec 89 10:01:00 GMT
Here's some funny stuff from rec.humor.funny - enjoy!
Frank.
-From: USCTR1::JBEAUDET
The 9 Types of Boyfriends
Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg,
Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's
stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow
Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n'
Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed
weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how,
but--"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like
crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
The 9 Types of Girlfriends
Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't
have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze,
doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of
a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from
Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious
The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.
Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes
Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my
career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love
onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering
at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition,
iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I
feel about our relationship"
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my
handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed
weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
+--------------------------------+ Keep your night light burning
| Frank Kaefer | fkk@stasys.UUCP | I'll come through wind and rain
| (Compuserve: 72427,2101) | Keep your night light burning
| (BIX: fkaefer) | I'll be with you once again
+--------------------------------+ [On A Storyteller's Night - Magnum]
english.25dejanr,
=============================================================================
Note 160.4 Jokes from EUNET 4 of 7
UEK::MATJAZ "Matjaz Rihtar" 8 lines 30-JUL-1990 16:24
-< Aus einem Disclaimer >-
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: AlmesbergerW
Subject: Aus einem Disclaimer
Date: 31-DEC-1989 03:16:53.23
Aus einem Disclaimer:
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
english.26dejanr,
=============================================================================
Note 160.5 Jokes from EUNET 5 of 7
UEK::MATJAZ "Matjaz Rihtar" 17 lines 30-JUL-1990 16:24
-< Mac-users >-
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
From: AlmesbergerW
Subject: Mac-Users
Date: 7-JAN-1990 20:06:44.70
.joke
Q: How many Macintosh/Atari/Amiga users does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: None. Mac/ST/Amiga users dont screw, they just point and click at the
genital icon.
.joke end
+--------------------------------+ Keep your night light burning
| Frank Kaefer | fkk@stasys.UUCP | I'll come through wind and rain
| (Compuserve: 72427,2101) | Keep your night light burning
| (BIX: fkaefer) | I'll be with you once again
+--------------------------------+ [On A Storyteller's Night - Magnum]
english.27dejanr,
=============================================================================
Note 160.6 Jokes from EUNET 6 of 7
UEK::MATJAZ "Matjaz Rihtar" 7 lines 30-JUL-1990 16:25
-< ... aus einer Signature >-
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: AlmesbergerW
Subject: ... aus einer Signature
Date: 7-JAN-1990 20:05:34.88
Quote: "I'd rather type "cc fubar.c" than point-click-point-click-point-
click-point-click-knock-over-my-coffee-cup." [Steve Yelvington, 2-11-89]
english.28dejanr,
=============================================================================
Note 160.7 Jokes from EUNET 7 of 7
UEK::MATJAZ "Matjaz Rihtar" 52 lines 30-JUL-1990 16:25
-< DEC Virgin >-
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: stuart@wotan.UUCP (Stuart Freedman {x1708})
Subject: DEC Virgin
Keywords: sexual, computer, chuckle
Date: 21 Nov 89 11:30:06 GMT
-From: "Curley, Robert F."
A Digital Marketing Manager got married to a women who had been married
eight times before, and on his wedding night his wife informed him
that she was still a virgin. This puzzled the Marketing Manager
since after eight marriages he thought that at least one of her
husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to
explain the phenomena. Her comments were as follows:
My first husband was a Digital Sales Representative who spent our entire
marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, "it's gonna be great".
My second husband was from Software Services, and he was never quite sure
how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me a
documentation.
My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that everything
was diagnostically ok, but he just couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, "those
who can... do; whose who can't... teach".
My fifth husband was from Digital's Manufacturing Organization who said that
he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to
deliver.
My sixth husband was a Digital engineer. He told me that he understood the
basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a
new state of the art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance&Administration. His comment was that
he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.
My eight husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he
was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to
do it.
The wife said sweetly to her new husband, "now I am married to you, a man
of marketing" and the husband looked at his wife and simply said, "I know
I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it".
{ed The longest version of this joke, so far.}
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers
willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
english.29dejanr,
==========================
tojerry/onions #3206, from glass, 158 chars, Sun Aug 5 13:36:12 1990
This is a comment to message 3188.
There is/are comment(s) on this message.
--------------------------
How many Jerry Pournelles does it take to change a light bulb?
None. He makes one phone call and the manufacturer comes over and installs
a dozen more. <BG>
==========================
tojerry/onions #3209, from ghurst, 292 chars, Sun Aug 5 14:24:11 1990
This is a comment to message 3206.
There is/are comment(s) on this message.
--------------------------
TITLE: How many jerryp's does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, the hardware part is easy. Now, if I could just remember what I did
with the manual and driver software. This must be a Mac bulb. It has one of
those intuitive interfaces that is impossible to figure out....
ghurst
==========================
tojerry/onions #3211, from akarna, 136 chars, Sun Aug 5 16:55:19 1990
This is a comment to message 3209.
--------------------------
Let's not forget that, once he figures out how to operate the thing, he
discovers that the worm drive is blocking the light switch. :)
english.30dejanr,
=============================================================================
Note 161.0 Vici iz UCLA 7 replies
AMOR::STRITAR "Andrej Stritar,IJS,(61)-371-321" 3 lines 7-AUG-1990 09:31
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iz Kalifornije je do mene pri{lo nekaj dalj{ih {al in zabavnih tekstov.
Objavljam jih delno urejene.
This was told to me by both Sandy and Darryl Bem, both of whom are Psychology
Professors at Cornell University.
The Bems, being well-versed in the area of sex roles and psychology, had
decided to raise their children androgynously. This included not only the
typical male-toy/female-toy aspects, but they were also very careful not to
impose any of their own learned sex role socialization upon their children.
For example, a frequent phrase was "the only difference between a male and
female is that a male has a penis and a female has a vagina." When the
parents were asked whether a person that the child could see was male or
female, they would reply (even if the parents could tell which it was), "I
don't know, dear, they have pants on, so we can't see if they are male or
female."
One day, their son (then in Kindergarten) decided that he wanted to wear
hair barrettes to school. Sandy and Darryl, of course, acquiesced and put
barrettes in his hair.
That night, they got a phone call from his teacher (who knew about the Bems'
rearing plan), who related the following story:
Upon arriving at school, another boy came up to their son and asked why he was
wearing barrettes in his hair. Little Bem replied, "Because I felt like it."
The other boy was visibly upset at this, but walked away.
A little while later, the boy comes back and says, "Why are you wearing
barrettes in your hair? Only _girls_ wear barrettes; you must be a girl."
Bem, true to his upbringing, replies, "I am not a girl; I have a penis and
testicles, girls have a vagina." The boy once again walks away.
During recess, the boy comes back once again, and _insists_ that Bem is a girl
because he is wearing barrettes. Once again, "The only difference between
boys and girls is that boys have a penis and testicles and girls have a
vagina."
The little boy exclaims, "You _must_ be a girl; you're wearing barrettes."
But Bem replies, "I'm a boy; I have a penis and testicles. Look -- I'll show
you!" At this point, Bem pulls down his pants to prove that he has a penis
and testicles...
The boy replies, "Everybody has one of those, but only girls wear barrettes."
english.31dejanr,
The following poem is excerpted with permission from Lee Leitner's
"Viewpoint" column which is featured in a bimonthly periodical for
Prime INFORMATION users called INFOCUS magazine. The original author's
were Fred Bremmer and Steve Kroese of Calvin College & Seminary of
Grand Rapids, MI.
FYI - a "wahka" is the decidedly "proper" (by popular vote) name for
the characters ">" and "<". This is in spite of INFOCUS readers of
Denver who still refer to them as "Norkies". The Michigan crowd
apparently has corrupted the spelling to "waka".
To wit, it is -
------------------------------------------------------------
"...a poem we think is about the lowly wahka. Maybe. Well,
perhaps---we're really not sure what the poem actually is
about. Here it goes:"
<>!*''#
^@`$$-
!*'$_
%*<>#4
&)../
!{~~SYSTEM HALTED
Transliterated:
Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,
Caret at back-tick dollar dollar dash,
Bang splat tick dollar under-score,
Percent splat waka waka number four,
Ampersand right-paren dot dot slash,
Vertical-bar curly-bracket tilde tilde CRASH.
english.32dejanr,
Well, here are some computer jokes. Computers aren't really intelligent.
They just think they are. I was talking to mine today, asking it's opinions
on a few matters, and here's what it had to say.
/* First we talked about food - something it */
/* understands pretty well, considering */
% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
$ drink <bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found
% got a light?
No match.
/* Then the mood got a little romantic */
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
% sh
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
/* Well, it got that right, so we talked about */
/* science, more it's domain */
$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create
/* Then politics, the computer and I agree on something, at least */
% rm Quayle-brains
rm: Quayle-brains nonexistent
% "How would you rate Bush's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
/* somehow I knew a computer would be an atheist */
% ar m God
ar: God does not exist
/* But for all it's flaws, it's always got a little smile for me */
% \(-
(-: Command not found.
--Cristina
P.S. I have no idea where these jokes came from. I didn't
make them up.
english.33dejanr,
I had a math professor who was doing his usual level best to ignore
the class while scribbling equations on, and lecturing to, the
blackboard. At one point, after a particularly amazing transition from
one equation to the next, he commented "and this obviously follows from
the above".
Another student asked "Professor, is it really obvious?". The prof
stepped back from the blackboard, looked at the equations for a couple
of minutes, then left the room without a comment. Ten minutes later he
returned, said "yes, it's obvious", and continued his lecture as if
nothing had happened.
english.34dejanr,
THE UNISEX, ROADKILL
P U R I T Y T E S T
_______________________________________________________________________________
Version 1.0 (232)
8-July-1990
_______________________________________________________________________________
Public domain; no copyright. All rights wronged, all wrongs reversed. Up with
running down. The flattened flesh commands: let there be kill. Murphy's law
on purity: Love is a matter of chemistry; roadkill is a matter of physics.
Chase make waste. Roadkill-Virginity can be cured.
This document was not sponsored by the Department of Defense Advanced Research
Projects Agency, and was not monitored by the Air Force Avionics Laboratory.
The views and conclusions contained in this document should not be interpreted
as representing the official policies, either expressed or implied, of the
Defense Advanced Projects Agency or the US Government. Neither should it be
interpreted nor inferred that the authors/contributors have actually performed
any of the actions contained herein. No roadkill, or roadkill-related
organizations, have been consulted in the construction of this test, and no
approval of theirs is implied by it authors.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Disclaimer of Liability
The reader hereby is warned that roadkill games can be dangerous; not all that
appears dead is dead; not all scents can be removed by normal means (ie, soap
and water); not many of those who are weak of heart or stomach can truly enjoy
roadkill games, and attempt to do so at their own risk of O'spurt-ing; not all
used in what one attempts to do with a given piece of roadkill; not many statee
not think twice about locking up and throwing away the key on anyone who can be
shown to have participated in roadkill games; roadkill can carry odd diseases;
odd diseases can be passed between two or more people engaging in roadkill
games with the same piece of roadkill; not all roadkill can be trusted when itn
manufactured and placed on the road for tourist's viewing pleasure by local
governments (case in point: t╚┘┐Ěumbe˛Hi│Éarmadillos one can see as roadkill on
any given day in Texas far exceeds any estimations of the living population on
the previous day); not all roadkill is suitable for consumption; not all
roadkill will go with "basic black" pumps; not all people consider roadkill a
topic for polite conversation; not all parties can be livened up by bringing
along your own roadkill; not many people consider roadkill an appropriate
housewarming gift; not all roadkill enjoys being roadkill; not all universities
have roadkill organizations that can tell you where the really good roadkill is
and that can inform you of local laws and customs in the area of roadkill
(start your own, today!); not many hunting magazines consider roadkill eligible
for "best kill" competitions; not many people read all of these conditions, but
all are held to have if they read later portions of the test, and therefore the
authors are not libel in any way, shape, or form for anything that happens to a
reader because of having read the Omnisex, Roadkill Purity Test, unless of
course something GOOD happens to the reader, in which case we demand 40% off
top-- contact the law firm of Grinch, Evil-anti-Grinch and Assoc., College
Station, TX, 77840, for payment instructions.
_______________________________________________________________________________
The Roadkill Purity Test is a blatant plagiarism of the original Purity Test,
and therefore we shall list its history as the history of this test.
Original Style Purity Test Genesis/History:
Version 1 (100) Created at MIT-1@aker House. Two parallel versions; one for
male, and one for female. Not much is known about this
version. It was ported to CMU by ps in 1982.
Version 2 (247) Spring 1983 - CMU/jb, pd, kr, ps, ts, mt, et al.
Expanded to 247 questions. This marked the beginning of
the unisex versions. The story goes that they intended it to be
250 questions, but got tired that night and said "we'll think
of three more tomorrow", and tomorrow never got there.
Version 3.3C.1 (400) on 05-Dec-1984
First formal release general of this test, version 3.xx. All
former versions were short-lived and tended to be bug-ridden.
Does not discriminate against gays or bi's. Added
Genesis/History section.
Version 3.4 (400) on 29-Jan-1985
Internal version; never released. Source code accidentally
destroyed, much to the consternation of one of the authors.
Cleaned up many bugs. Added sections: Disclaimer of Liability,
Instructions for Use, Scoring, and Warranty Information.
Version 3.5 (400) on 10-Apr-1985
Rebuilt from the 3.3C.1 source and the 3.4 (only surviving
copy) Xerox X9700 laser printer hardcopy. Cleaned up same bugs
in 3.4. Added in verbose history section.
Version 3.5A (400) on 13-Apr-1985: CMU/dausesa, tc, no, dt, sv, rz, et al
Found that we had 431 questions instead of 400.
Version 3.5B (400) on 18-Mar-1986: Yale (Pierson College)/ as
Intermediate release, with footnotes integrated into main body
of text and some grammatical errors cleaned up. Begun in
Fall, 1985; finished in April for the benefit of a friend at
MIT (where it all began), who hadn't seen any versions except
the antique Version 1.
Version 3.5C (400) on 17-Jan-1988: Yale (Pierson College)/mmd (CLARINET@YALEVM)
Grammatical errors corrected. Introduction and history
cleaned up.
Version 4.0 (500) on 23-April-1988: Yale (Silliman College)/dfc, ad, dcg, mlm,
and Dartmouth (Alpha Theta)/alb. Original 400-question version
expanded to 500 questions.
Roadkill 1.0 (232) on 31-April-1990: Texas A&M University (Forum)/mjf, mtm
while authors worked on update to 690 questions of original
style 4.0 version, a 1000 question version was posted by
competitors. Authors completely destroyed by information, and
in a fit of depression, anger, and laughter create the Roadkill
style Purity Test, Version 1.0
_______________________________________________________________________________
Instructions for Use:
This is a fairly long test consisting of 232 questions. It starts out
tame and gets progressively worse (or better, depending on your viewpoint).
There are many ways of going about taking this test. You can, of course, as
your right, guaranteed by the Constitution, be anti-social and sequester
yourself in your room and take this test all by yourself; however, we feel that
the funniest way to utilize this test is to hold a Purity Test Party. All you
need is one copy of the test, and a bunch of friends. (We find that writing
implements and paper are usually useful too.) The person with the copy of the
test is the test administrator; she/he/it reads the questions out loud and
everybody else writes down their answers. We have no definite rules as to
whether the participants are required to divulge their answers; that is up to
the group to decide. However, each person's purity score should be made common
knowledge. (The person with the lowest score gets to be avoided at all cost by
all sane people at the party.) This works great at parties and lets everybody
have a good laugh, and know who to avoid as potentially being Charles Manson
incognito. We advise that whoever is administering the test have the number
of a local 24-hour mental health facility handy for those that score
particularly low on this test. Don't leave home without it (this test or the
number).
Definitions
-----------
All questions in this test pertain to events that have happened to you
subsequent to your weaning and babyhood/infancy. Anything that may have
happened before that time is considered not standing and void.
We should define exactly what is considered roadkill. Human corpses are never
considered roadkill; they are covered in the necrophilia section of the
original style Purity Test. Roadkill is anything that could have once been
considered alive, but which has been killed on a highway, farm-to-market road,
city street, or any similar set path for motorized vehicles to travel on, by
one
of those said motorized vehicle. Motorized vehicle includes all cars and sizes
of trucks, all motorcycles, mopeds (not that these make much roadkill) and
anything else that gets you around while letting fat collect on your butt and
cholesterol clog your veins.
What constitutes a "particularly good" piece of roadkill can not be strictly
defined, and the parties involved in taking the test need to decided among
themselves what criteria should be followed in judging roadkill. The authors
would like to suggest that visual aspects are usually the most important factor
in judging roadkill, and neatness is usually a strike, not a bonus. However,
scent can not be ignored (especially with skunk-roadkill, or particularly aged
roadkill) and should figure into the judging in some manner. Beyond that
parties should decided on their own if size is a factor (ie, aren't somethings
too big not to have been hit on purpose?), or is being able to tell the make
of the tire that "did the deed" from the markings on the roadkill a bonus or
not.
We should like to point out that unlike the original version of the Purity
Test, you should be very concerned with the score you get on this test. The
lower the score you get, the more we would like to advise that you seek
professional mental help. (See administrator of test)
--- ALL TECHNICALITIES COUNT ---
_______________________________________________________________________________
Section 1: Some Ethical Questions 16 Questions.
Have you ever done any of the following:
1. administered a whole Roadkill Purity Test or are in the process of
administering a whole Roadkill Purity Test of any version? (That's
where you are the test administrator in a Purity Test Party. See
"Instructions for Use" for further information.)
2. taken the Roadkill Purity Tests of any versions more than 5 times?
3. lied on any previous Roadkill Purity Tests?
4. exaggerated about any roadkill experiences?
5. discussed roadkill and/or any related subjects in mixed company?
6. thought you might have unintentionally created roadkill?
7. mistaken roadkill for a speedbump?
8. lied about having made roadkill?
9. thought roadkill was merely and old brown-paper bag and therefore aimed
for it, only to discover your mistake when you got home and tried to
clean off that "ketchup"?
10. have you ever gotten roadkill hooked to your vehicle and known it, but
not stopped, rationalizing, "It'll fall off eventually anyway."
11. created unwanted roadkill? (all roadkill deserve a loving home-- adopt
some, today!)
12. Created roadkill while you were under the legal age for driving the type
of vehicle you were driving in the state in which you were doing so?
13. created sympathy roadkill? ("Ol' Rover just ain't as happy as he used to
be...." *vroom* *b-bump*)
14. given or received roadkill as payment for services?
15. gone to (or escorted someone to) a Roadkillers Anonymous meeting?
(Authors do not endorse such groups because they're party poopers.)
16. been arrested for roadkill games? (Authors deny any liability)
_____________________________________________________________________________
Section 2: Drugs and Roadkill. 22 Questions.
Have you ever done any of the following:
17. played roadkill games while under the influence of drugs or alcohol?
(what other way is there?)
18. taken the Roadkill Purity test while under the influence of drugs or
alcohol? (How many of you are getting *this* one?)
19. used drugs or alcohol to lower someone else's inhibitions about roadkill?
20. used drugs or alcohol to lower you own inhibitions about roadkill?
22. hidden drugs in roadkill?
23. used said drugs a few days later?
24. found drugs in roadkill by accident?
25. used said drugs anyway?
26. been so doped up you mistook roadkill for a live animal?
27. drug said roadkill around by a leash saying, "Gotta take Rover for a
walk"?
28. attempted to teach said roadkill tricks?
29. attempted to feed said roadkill?
30. been disturbed by said roadkill's behavior, so taken it to the vet, only
to be treated yourself?
31. ground up old, dry roadkill and tried to smoke it?
32. succeeded?
33. actually gotten a buzz from it?
34. made money by selling ground-up roadkill as drugs?
35. had customers come back for more?
36. been so doped up that you mistaken a live animal for roadkill and tried
to
play roadkill games with it?
37. almost gotten your arm chewed off when you tried to hide drugs in said
live animal?
38. created roadkill by hiding drugs in said live animal?
_______________________________________________________________________________
Section 3: Sex and Roadkill / Roadkill and Sex 13 Questions.
FYI: sex with roadkill is defined as using roadkill in some manner to
physically stimulate your genitals until climax (for you-- the
roadkill can't climax, it's dead).
Have you done any of the following:
39. had an arousing dream about roadkill? (Wet dreams and the like.)
40. had to fantasize about roadkill during sex, oral sex, or mutual
masturbation in order to be able to climax?
41. had to describe roadkill to a partner during sex, or mutual masturbation,
in order to get he/she to climax?
42. had to describe roadkill to a partner during sex, oral sex, or mutual
masturbation, in order to get you to climax?
43. met someone and had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation, with them
while out judging roadkill?
44. met someone and had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation, with them
while out collecting roadkill?
45. met someone and had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation, with them
while out checking roadkill for stashed drugs?
46. used roadkill in some fashion to get sex? (Rover was *sob* hit by a car
last week...)
47. claimed domestic pet roadkill as your own to try and get "sympathy sex"
out of someone?
48. ever had it work?
49. told someone that you too love roadkill strictly because you wanted to
have sex with them?
50. forced or coerced someone into having intimate physical relations
with roadkill?
51. had sex, oral sex, mutual masturbation where roadkill was merely involved
as an inanimate object?
_______________________________________________________________________________
Section 4: Roadkill as a Sex Object. 39 Questions.
Have you ever done any of the following:
52. stroked or fondled roadkill?
53. kissed roadkill on the lips?
54. kissed roadkill elsewhere?
55. French kissed roadkill on the lips?
56. French kissed roadkill elsewhere?
57. had an orgasm because of roadkill in some way, shape or form?
58. had sex with roadkill? (one on one)
59. had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation with more than 10 separate and
different pieces of roadkill? (two pieces of the same kill count only
once total)
60. had sex with roadkill which you never saw? (Authors in no way condone
hazing)
61. attempted to have sex with roadkill which you, in a doped up haze,
mistook for a live animal and succeeded?
62. gone back for more?
63. gone back for more AFTER you sobered up?
64. attempted to have sex with a live animal which you, in a doped up haze,
mistook for roadkill and been *seriously* injured?
65. turned down sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation with a person to go
have sex with roadkill?
66. turned down sex with a live animal to go have sex with roadkill?
67. had sex with roadkill using an appenditure/orifice that nature did not
intend to be there?
68. caught odd disease through having sex with roadkill?
69. had anal sex with roadkill? (an orifice nature did intend to be there)
70. brought roadkill to a party and passed it around in a spin-the-bottle
like game, where the *winner* gets to have sex with the roadkill?
71. enjoyed sex with some particular piece of roadkill so much that you
brought it home and attempted to preserve it for later use?
72. used it later?
73. used it later even though your attempts at preservation were not working?
74. presently have some roadkill waiting for you at home right now?
75. planned to just "pick some up" on the way home tonight?
76. had sex with roadkill in a place where you could be seen by others?
77. had sex with roadkill in a place where you could be seen by others on
purpose?
78. had sex with roadkill in a place where you could be seen by others on
purpose, and *made*sure* someone saw?
79. had sex with roadkill in front of your significant other in an attempt
to arouse them?
80. made video tapes of yourself having sex with roadkill to show, and
hopefully, arouse your significant other?
81. had said video tapes get into the "wrong hands"?
82. rented a roadkill porno flick and discovered yourself or your significant
other playing the star role?
83. rented a roadkill porno flick and discovered your missing pet playing the
non-living star role?
84. had sex with roadkill as part of an act which you got paid for?
85. been paid extra to go to a fan's home and repeat the performance with
said
fan's own favorite piece of roadkill?
86. been presently fantasizing about have sex with roadkill right now?
87. been enjoying it?
88. would you like to take a break to fulfill these fantasies then finish the
test later?
89. Did you take a break to fulfill your fantasies?
90. Did you lower your score by taking this break?
______________________________________________________________________________
Section 5: Roadkill and Sex Part II: Locality. 36 questions.
This section tries to figure out how many places you have had sex with
roadkill in.
Have you ever had sex with roadkill in any of the following places:
91. a place of religion? (Church, temple, altar, Grand Holy Cabbage Head
Patch, etc.)
92. a place of the dead? (Morgue, mortuary, cemetery, etc.)
93. a contraption of the dead? (Coffin, hearse, body bag, etc.)
94. in/on a construction site (house, office, launch platform, etc.)?
95. in a moderately sized, land/road-based vehicle of LESS THAN 30,000 pounds
net unladen gross weight? (car, station wagon, van, minivan, minibus,
etc.)
96. in a moderately sized, land/road-based vehicle of LESS THAN 30,000 pounds
net unladen gross weight, that was used to create the roadkill?
97. in a moderately sized, land/road-based vehicle of LESS THAN 30,000 pounds
net unladen gross weight, while trying to make MORE roadkill?
98. in a land/road-based vehicle of MORE THAN 30,000 pounds net unladen
gross weight? (truck, tank, armored car, steam-roller, crane, bulldozer,
garbage truck, etc.)
99. in a land/road-based vehicle of MORE THAN 30,000 pounds net unladen
gross weight, that was used to create the roadkill?
100. in a land/road-based vehicle of MORE THAN 30,000 pounds net unladen
gross weight, while trying to make MORE roadkill?
101. in a land-based, non road dependent vehicle? (Train, subway, roller-
coaster, monorail, Disneyland ride, etc.)
102. in a water based, manual powered vehicular transport medium? (Rowboat,
surfboard, floating bathtub, etc.) (For this question it only counts if
the thing was in the water at the time.)
103. in a water based, wind or propeller driven transport medium LESS THAN 80
feet in length? (Yacht, PT boat, windsurfer, Sunfish, etc.) (in this
case, seakill can be considered roadkill, ie, dolphins, sea turtles, etc)
104. in a water based, wind or propeller driven transport medium MORE THAN 80
feet in length? (Cruise ship, battleship, aircraft carrier, nuclear
submarine?, etc.)(once again, seakill can be considered roadkill, ie,
dolphins, sea turtles, etc)
105. in an aircraft? (Airplane, helicopter, hovercraft, balloon, zeppelin,
space shuttle, flying carpet, flying saucer, etc.)
106. in a household room other than a bedroom?
107. on the floor (but not the roof)?
108. on the roof (but not the floor)?
109. on any furniture that is indoors but is not a bed, table, desk, counter-
top, a nor anything that is predominantly used for sitting or as a
table/desk? (Television, washer/dryer, microwave, etc.)_
110. in a telephone booth, voting booth, automatic photograph taker, or any
such small, non-moving enclosure that was not designed for such
activities?
111. in an elevator, people-mover, escalator, dumbwaiter, or any building-
internal people moving device?
112. up a tree but not in a tree house or similar structure?
113. up a tree and in a tree house or similar structure?
114. in a suspension device of some kind (hammock, trampoline, tightrope,
safety net, etc.)?
115. on the roof of a building in excess of 5 floors?
116. inside or within the confines of a hedge, bush, other natural vegetation
which can provide a wall effect, cave, rock overhang, well, or any other
secluded, outdoor, non-vegetative shielding structure?
117. in the snow?
118. in the spring thaw with same roadkill, that winter had so considerately
preserved?
119. in a place where the prevailing, ambient temperature (of the air
immediately surrounding you) was below the freezing point of water?
120. in a place where the prevailing, ambient temperature was below the
freezing point of water, because you wanted the roadkill to last as long
as possible?
121. in a place where you could have been discovered?
122. in a water-filled bathtub, hot tub, or under a shower or other running
water (waterfall, torrential downpour, monsoon, etc.)?
123. in a body of water? (swimming pool, swimming hole, pond, lake, lagoon,
sea, ocean, etc.) (seakill counts)
124. on the beach (and the resultant sand in uncomfortable places)?
125. in a bathroom of the opposite sex?
126. gone to a motel (however sleazy) for the sole purpose of having sex with
roadkill?
[nastavak sledi...]
english.35dejanr,
[nastavak prethodne]
Section 5: Roadkill Hobbies 27 questions.
A roadkill hobby is anything that is not adventurous enough to qualify
as a roadkill game, but which some people do for pleasure anyway.
127. collected roadkill?
128. used roadkill as fertilizer?
129. kept a written record of roadkill you have seen?
130. kept a written record/judging on every piece of roadkill you have seen?
131. kept a written record/judging of roadkill you have created?
132. written a Roadkill Purity Test?
133. watched a television special on roadkill?
134. taped said special to watch again?
135. watched said special with your significant other?
136. moved roadkill around to increase esthetic effect?
137. backed up to get another look at a "particularly good" piece of roadkill?
138. gone home, found a friend or lover, and brought them back to see said
"particularly good" piece of road kill?
139. had him/her bring a camera with black and white film?
140. had him/her bring a camera with color film?
141. had him/her bring a video-recorder?
142. had him/her hire a professional film crew and use 80mm color film it was
so good?
143. reminisced about the "good ol' days" of roadkill?
144. gotten into an argument over which section of the country has the best
roadkill?
145. had a competition to find out?
146. been a judge?
147. won?
148. stated in your will that a part of your estate should go to the creation
(or continued existence) of a roadkill promotion organization at your
alma mater?
149. erected a memorial at the sight of a bit of "particularly good" roadkill?
150. visited others memorials?
151. come to tears because you weren't there to see that bit of "particularly
good" roadkill yourself?
152. laid flattened rodentia/amphibia at the base of said memorial?
153. designed, printed, and distributed a map showing all such memorials in
your area or state?
_____________________________________________________________________________
Section 6 Roadkill Games. 78 questions
The section you've all been waiting for. Roadkill games are similar to
roadkill hobbies but much more adventurous. Most people begin with roadkill
hobbies, then move on to roadkill games, then, as the years pass by and the
joints stiffen, return to roadkill hobbies. If you answer "yes" to ANY
question in this section, you're hooked-- you will be a roadkill fan for the
rest of your lonely, lonely life.
Have you ever:
154. cooked and eaten roadkill?
155. eaten roadkill raw?
156. quenched your thirst with whatever you could squeeze out of roadkill?
157. made roadkill margaritas?
158. used roadkill as bait?
159. used roadkill to feed your pets?
160. fed roadkill to someone else and lied about where you got the meat?
161. told them the truth when they were done?
162. refused to clean up the mess when they didn't make it to the toilet?
163. told someone you had fed them roadkill when you hadn't?
164. refused to clean up the mess when they didn't make it to the toilet?
165. sent a roadkill recipe into a cooking contest?
166. won said contest?
167. made chocolate-covered roadkill? (just like Ma used to make)
168. ordered a roadkill dish at a restaurant?
169. ordered a roadkill dish FROM THE MENU at a restaurant?
170. complimented the chef on said dish?
171. called for pizza and asked for roadkill as one of your toppings?
172. sent said pizza back claiming roadkill wasn't fresh?
173. bought bottled roadkill juices?
174. marketed any roadkill products for human consumption?
175. gotten rich from it? (authors demand a cut of profits-- see prologue)
176. practiced for your biology lab on roadkill?
177. sold roadkill to high schools for use in biology labs?
178. been required to bring in roadkill for your biology lab?
179. dissected roadkill for the fun of it with a few friends?
180. dissected roadkill for the fun of it with a few friends, while SOBER?
181. dissected two or more pieces of roadkill of different species and then
created new and wonderful species with the parts? (all respects to Gary
Larson-- but no money)
182. attempted to transplant parts from roadkill to live animals?
183. succeeded?
184. attempted to transplant parts from roadkill to live humans?
185. succeeded?
186. gotten national press coverage for it?
187. sold the rights to the mini-series of it? (authors want their cut-- see
prologue)
188. dissected roadkill and saved just your "favorite parts"? (see roadkill
and sex)
189. made and sold lucky rabbit's feet from roadkill, not all of it rabbits?
190. made and sold lucky armadillo's feet from roadkill, not all of it
natural?
191. used parts of roadkill to repair your vehicle on a lonely highway?
(authors find that ligaments make great fanbelts)
192. used roadkill as decoration on your car? (bucks on the fender count, but
only if it's actually roadkill)
193. purposely attached roadkill to your bumper and drove around scaring old
women?
194. purposely attached old women to your bumper and drove around scaring
roadkill?
195. used roadkill as part of a Mob (organized crime) "warning"?
196. wrapped up a piece of roadkill as a present and sent it to a former
lover?
197. signed said present with his/her present lover's name?
198. taken home roadkill to show it to your mother?
199. taken home roadkill to show it to your lover?
200. been complimented on it by either?
201. hidden a speaker in a piece of roadkill and had it make noises if anyone
approached? (bark, meow, etc)
202. secreted electronics in a "particularly good" piece of roadkill so as to
be able to make it move as if of its own volition?
203. used roadkill as a hand puppet? (yes, actually INSERTING your hand
and...)
204. used roadkill as equipment in an organized sport? (Cat sailing,
Armadillo football, "the cat's second base", etc)
205. taken a photo of domestic pet roadkill and made up posters with the photo
saying "Found: please call..."
206. returned domestic pet roadkill to its former owner?
207. returned domestic pet roadkill to its former owner and demanded the
reward?
208. taken roadkill to a vet just to watch him/her squirm as they try to
explain to you that it's already dead?
209. sold roadkill to a child for a pet, claiming "it's just sleeping..."?
210. purposely thrown your pets favorite toy into the street in hopes it would
become roadkill?
211. thrown your pets favorite toy into the street, hopped in your car and...?
212. done the above so you could have sex with your unwilling pet as roadkill?
213. constructed art from roadkill?
214. had fans bring you roadkill so that you could make it into art for them?
215. received federal grants to support your production of roadkill art?
216. gone to a costume party as roadkill?
217. held a "come as your favorite piece of roadkill" party?
218. won the costume judging contest because you used an actual piece of
roadkill to construct your costume?
219. had a roadkill fight? (similar to food-fight, but...)
220. moved roadkill so that it was in the line of tires of oncoming vehicles?
221. taken bets on how far a piece of roadkill will get knocked by a vehicle?
222. fixed said bets by nailing roadkill down?
223. constructed fake roadkill out of an old pillow and turkey gizzards just
to
see how many people would bother trying to avoid it?
224. ever swerved to purposely hit roadkill?
225. ever swerve to purposely MAKE NEW roadkill?
226. constructed clothing from the hides/pelts of roadkill?
227. sold said clothing?
228. won awards for said clothing?
229. been harassed by animal rights activist for wearing said clothing?
230. constructed clothing from animal rights activist?
231. sent a picture of a "particularly good" piece of roadkill to Late Night
with David Letterman in the hopes that Dave would call you an "incredible
sicko" on national television?
232. repeatedly done the above with the same roadkill?
_____________________________________________________________________________
I. Scoring
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a sheet of paper containing
lots of itty-bitty answers to the Roadkill Purity Test. Sworn to excellence of
workmanship, we now give you directions on how to calculate your Roadkill
Purity score. There are several methods; the calculator method works best.
Also good is the a la mainframe method. (A DECsystem-2060 works great as a
PC.)
Scoring method: Count "yes" answers.
Subtract that number from 232.
Divide the result by 232.
Multiply the result by 100.
The result is your percentage purity.
The higher the number, the more pure you are; in the same vein, the lower the
score, the more of a sick puppy you are.
For your reference, we include calculator directions:
For people with real calculators (HP):
<# of NO answers> [ENTER] 232 / 100 *
For people with other (dinky) calculators:
<# of NO answers> / 232 = X 100 =
_______________________________________________________________________________
II. Warranty Information
We hope that you have enjoyed this test. It does not come with a warranty, nor
does it guarantee that it will get you your own roadkill or make you somehow
somewhat better with roadkill, the making of roadkill, or the lamination of
roadkill.
The makers of this test are not responsible for any liabilities or damages
resulting from this test, including but not limited to mental derangement
suits. Ask your doctor or psychologist.
Do not dissect roadkill test; no user serviceable parts inside, but the
roadkill
might have a few.
Propagate this test and roadkill at will, even without the written permission
of the publisher or the owner; just don't edit, change, or waste it. In
reproducing this test, the authors of this test may exercise droit de seigneur
over you, your immediate family, fiance, or pet. You may or may not have
additional rights which may vary from state to state.
Not recommended for children under twelve, or pets over 400 pounds. Parental
guidance discouraged. Pencils, additional paper, batteries, and the Beginner
Roadkill Set (available through GrinchCo, College Station, TX, 77840) not
included. Some assembly or preservation may be required. Does not come with
any other figures.
______________________________________________________________________________
Drive carefully; roadkill missed is roadkill wasted.
The above is a public service announcement of this institution, and
ForumDammit.
_______________________________________________________________________________
With a Slip of the Tongue
---- The Cunning Linguist
It's fun to eat out.
"I take bad girls, and turn them around."
english.36dejanr,
Accept no substitutes; this is the original and only Canonical Collection of
Light Bulb Jokes, from the original collector. This newest revision includes
additional jokes and an alphabetical format to reduce duplicate submissions.
Notes on the Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes
This file is the canonical collection of light bulb jokes, posted as
a public service to prevent a steady trickle of light bulb jokes, most
of which will be repeats. Light bulb jokes have a period of four to
six months between recurrences, and long-time news readers look forward
with dread to each new round of the same old jokes. 90% of these jokes
have been in the collection since 1984.
It is possible to construct infinite small variations by substituting
particular ethnic groups into these jokes, or by expanding certain jokes
into seventy line monsters. I have resisted this impulse.
Of course you may substitute any ethnic group for '<ethnic>'. I feel
it would be inappropriate for me to pick on a single ethnic group when
there are so many and when I don't know your personal prejudices.
The WASPs in the following jokes are `White Anglo-Saxon Protestants' and
are assumed to represent any upper-middle class, loose-lifestyle people.
In Seattle, these are 'Mercer Islander' jokes. In California, they are
'Marin County' jokes, and so on. Some of these jokes are also told as
'Jewish American Princess' jokes.
!WARNING! This file contains material of a satirical nature. It may be
offensive to members of the following groups:
Californians Oregonians New Yorkers New Jersey-ians
Poles Russians <ethnics> (Space) Aliens
Politicians Communists Capitalists Conservatives
Pro-lifers Feminists Homosexuals Junkies
Parents Babies Students Frat rats
Athletes Artists Writers Performers
various scientists Professors Mathematicians Engineers
Field Service folks Software folks Hardware folks Marketing folks
Doctors Lawyers Accountants all managers
Economists Soldiers WASPs various animals
Christians Jews Buddhists God(s)
Necrophiliacs Philosophers Poets Police officers
and by now many others who are no doubt offended to have been left off
this list. The last time I looked there were 128 jokes in this file.
Thanks to unicads!les for the generating function for light bulb jokes:
Q: How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take
to perform a particular menial activity?
A: A finite positive integer F. One to perform the activity, and the
rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnic group.
If F<2 then the joke has little hope of being funny.
----- The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes -----
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: How many <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
Q': How many strong <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A': 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
Q": How many <ethnic> gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A": Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There's a primitive for that.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?
A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.
Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
of license fee (binary only).
A': Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually
drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
A": Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one
of their subordinates to actually change it.
Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends whether the switch is on or off.
Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.
Meanwhile...
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.
Q: How many bureaucrats/civil servants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other
screws the bulb into the water faucet.
A': 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if
you knew how many.
Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate
to the experience.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to
go back on.
Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me."
(Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In.")
Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the
previous bulb.
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
A': We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: To get to the other side.
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One.
Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A': None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
A": None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw
itself in.
Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace
a light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.
Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones
to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices
that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't
see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency
stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a
light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red
shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are
promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party
is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship
approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.
Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as
a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs
they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the
planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted,
and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
Note: There are versions for every popular TV show. This was among the first.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out
toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Thats not funny!!!
Q': How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A': It's "Radcliffe Women" and it's not funny!
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about
how good the old light bulb was.
Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
A': Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.
A": None. Frat boys screw in puddles of vomit.
Q: How many FSE's does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: Who can tell. FSE's are always in the dark.
A': 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
Q': How long will it take?
A:' That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've
brought with them.
Q": What if you have *two* dead bulbs?
A": They replace your fuse box.
Note: FSE's are "Field Service Engineers".
Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous."
Q: How many gay rights activists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. "The light bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it."
Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to
get it done.
Q: How many hackers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But, hackers don't turn on the lights.
Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a software problem.
A': None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
A': It only takes one to change your bulb...to his.
A": Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to
really screw a bulb...
Q: How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw it and two to talk about how much better it
is than with a man.
Q: How many Libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone
might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark.
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
A' None. Mac users dont screw, they just point and click at the
genital icon.
Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends on what you want to change it into.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
A': One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the
problem to an earlier joke.
A": One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the
problem to an earlier joke.
A'": In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the
problem to an earlier joke...
In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician
can change a light bulb.
If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply
watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the
light bulb.
Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers,
n mathematicians can change a light bulb.
Bibliography:
[1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, "Re: YALBJ", 1986
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change
light bulbs too.
Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
A': Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen
in on the guest list. See also "How many junkies..."
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to
give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
A': Only one. Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with
your finger while I go get a new bulb?"
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the
third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
A': 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There is nothing to change.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the
Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
A': Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear
power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes
on strike!
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
out from under him.
Q: How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was
lit from the moment they began screwing.
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ---- You should have hit "n"!
Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A:: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
A:: None of your damn business!
Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to
do it.
Q: How many (Chinese) Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you
to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct
the ship out of disgrace."
(Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They
consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)
Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of
production!
Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Thats a hardware problem.
A': One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
A": Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb
being changed.
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and
sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
Q: How many surgeons does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.
Q: How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10%
of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank",
and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:...... consists
of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
A': Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
Q: How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Televangelists screw in motels.
Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.
Note: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
Q: How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't need to, they glow in the dark.
Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
A': None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Q": How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A": Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
Q: How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
Q: How many people does it take to change a one WATT bulb??
A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest.
A': Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A": One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen
answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
A'":None. Zen masters carry their own light.
english.37dejanr,
From: whitehrc@ingr.com (Robert C. Whitehead)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Wanted:Sorority Girls Joke list
THE CANONICAL LIST OF SORORITY GIRL JOKES
1. Q: What do you say to a sorority girl that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
2. Q: Why does a sorority girl wear underwear?
A: To keep her ankles warm.
3. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a Rolls Royce?
A: Not everybody has been in a Rolls Royce.
4. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.
5. Q: What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her look more
attractive?
A: Her ankles.
6. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
A1: You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: You could eat a bowling ball if you had to.
A3: You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball.
A4: There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes
to poke.
7. Q: How are a bowling ball and a sorority girl alike?
A: You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them
in the gutter and they'll always come back.
8. Q: What is the difference between a sorority girls and hookers?
A: Sorority girls cost less per score.
9. Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
A: About 40 pounds.
Q2: How do you equalize the two?
A2: Feed the elephant.
10. Q: What is the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
A1: Introduces herself.
A2: Walks home.
11. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic?
A: Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.
12. Q: How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
A: She drops her nail file.
13. Q: What's a sorority girls favorite wine?
A: "Daaaaaaady, I want to go to Mi-ammmmmmi."
14. Q: What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?
A: Don't know. There's only so much an ape can be forced to do.
15. Q: Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
A: 'Cause everybody gets a turn.
16. Q: How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?
A: Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door, and throw a
twinkie on the bed.
17. Q: Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
A: You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
18. Q: What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
A: Garbage gets taken out once a week.
19. Q: What do you call a 100 sorority girls bathing on a beach in Cuba?
A: Bay of Pigs.
20. Q: What do you call a sorority girl hang-gliding festival?
A: Multiple total eclipses.
21. Q: What is a sorority girls mating call?
A: "I'm sooooooo drunk, I'm sooooooo drunk."
22. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a dog?
A: Driver's will swerve to miss the dog.
23. Q: How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: 1, she holds on to it, and the world revolves around her.
A2: 2, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daddy.
A3: 6, one to screw it in, and five to make T-shirts.
A4: 7, one to change it, and six to go out and buy more Diet Pepsi.
A5: 65, one to change it, and 64 to sing and clap.
24. Q: Why is a sorority girl like railroad tracks?
A: 'Cause she's been laid all over the country.
25. Q: What three words will a sorority girl never hear?
A: "Attention K-mart shoppers."
26. Q: Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?
A: So she can fantasize about shopping.
27. Q: What is a sorority girls favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
28. Q: What's the difference between sorority girls and Jell-o?
A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
29. Q: What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed?
A1: Lake Placid.
A2: The Dead Sea.
30. Q: How do you know when a sorority girl is a nymphomaniac?
A: She'll make love the same day she had her hair done.
31. Q: What's a sorority girl's idea of natural childbirth?
A: No make-up.
32. Q: How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
A: Marry her.
33. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
34. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.
35. Q: What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
A: A circus is a cunning array of stunts.
36. Q: How is a sorority girl like a vacuum?
A: They both suck.
Q2: How are they different?
A1: You can buy a new vacuum when you get sick of it.
A2: You can buy a new vacuum when it no longer sucks.
A3: When a vacuum cleaner is full of shit, it's easy to dump the old bag.
A4: A vacuum cleaner can't suck a golf ball through a garden hose.
A5: A vacuum cleaner can't suck start a Harley.
37. Q: How do you get four sorority girls on one chair?
A1: Tell them there is a rich guy sitting in it.
A2: Turn the chair over, and put one on each leg.
38. Q: What's the difference between a sorority track team and a tribe of
sly pygmies?
A: The tribe of sly pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
39. Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and sorority girls have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
40. Q: What does a sorority girl make for dinner?
A: Reservations.
41. Q: Why does a sorority girl wear a gold diaphragm?
A: So her boyfriend will think he's coming into money.
42. Q: What did the sorority girl say when she knocked over the priceless
Ming vase?
A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
43. Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a
sorority girl?
A: A prostitute says, "Are you done yet?", a nymphomaniac says, "You're
done already?", and a sorority girl says, "Beige... I think I'll
paint the ceiling beige."
44. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a
sorority girl says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
45. Q: What do you call 24 sorority girls walking down the street?
A: A case of Schlitz.
46. Q: What is foreplay for a sorority girl?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.
47. Q: How does a sorority girl commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
Misc: 1. Tri-delts. I'm sure everyone else has.
2. If your date won't; Tri-delts.
3. Once you've tried everything else; Tri-delts.
__________ __________
\ //\\ /
\ // \\ /
\ // \\ /
\ // \\ /
\//________\\/ Tri-delts: Two out of three go down.
english.38dejanr,
From: whitehrc@ingr.com (Robert C. Whitehead)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Lawyer Jokes Needed!
Q & A form jokes
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to
cluck defiance.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
----
Longer Jokes:
----
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run
those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed
voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
-----
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain
offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for <other generic profession> brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
-----
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do
all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.
Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his
son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a
thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
-----
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were
thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the
long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then
St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands
and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair
by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so
special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for
which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about
193 years old!"
----
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city
subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury
was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice,
"Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20
more of them."
-----
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred
it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
thief go first, and the executioner follow."
-----
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented
money there has been only one answer to that question."
----------
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.
After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective
professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly
station.
After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides
to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome,
Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a
huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete
announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until
the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting
a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!".
They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below
begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a
street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on
the left as the Pope's new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the
pontiff his best.
The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's
the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and
I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?" Pete looks
at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow, this street
is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and
religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your
dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first
(non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
-----
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long
trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back
to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that
dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you
want to have him arrested for ?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay
his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
-----
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man
of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
-----
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a
jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the
hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a
dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed
the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10
minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury
went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home,
and everyone waited.
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and
sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the
verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they
got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still
doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
------
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?",
someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
----------
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's
grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the
little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
-----
The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at
least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
----
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to
cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says
"Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon
descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't
tell where we are, let's ask that guy on the ground". So Harry
yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And
the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet
up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must
be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says
"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
useless".
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still
worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink,
and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists
Soaked by Lawyer".
----
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed
an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an
exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn,
then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we
sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better
to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
-----
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think
you're going to find a lawyer?"
-----
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
----------
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.
However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
-----
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously,
"can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
-----
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to
another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to
lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more
plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to
them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However,
sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."
----
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the
country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each
summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no,
that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place,
which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to
stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed.
Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in
the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his
Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their
morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering
blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came
two huge Bears - a male and a female.
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His
friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he
could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his
shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure
enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while
visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He
just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye,
leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"What did you do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who
told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
----------
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green
came over to see him.
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in
court when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer
Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr.
Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it
when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an
Excedrin headache?'
Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making
a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken
sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
"Then get me another doctor."
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that
after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office.
This is the only place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally
appeal your case to a higher court."
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for
a kidney stone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by
looking at him."
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when
you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize
into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher
of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going
to be in a lot of pain.' "
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my
ounce of Demerol?"
"I better check you out first."
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't
do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
"What for?"
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued
and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
"I'm not going to sue you."
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ
after you pass the kidney stone?"
----------
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the best Vodka out of his pack; pours
some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best
vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good
as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that
we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and
throw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and
begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the
world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good
cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them
away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window.
One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and
throws the Lawyer through it...
--------
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop
and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog
running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a
right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The
lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from
me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50
[attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher
hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].
Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that
would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an
envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
----------
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light
bulb.
A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're
looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and
forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second
part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a
result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e.,
the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area
ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway,
terminating at an area just inside the primary living area,
demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover
illumination being at the option of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement
between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited
to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or
any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
in a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the
option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal
statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party
of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning
installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb").
This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the
reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same
document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a
clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized
by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue
for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
--------
WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
**********************************************************************
1300.01 GENERAL
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may
harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The
use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If
accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to
nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free
Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,
ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a
felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident
victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting
attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
7. Cut-throat 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7
------------------------- cut here and insert in wallet --------------------
Ben Dover
And
C. Howlett Fields
Attorneys At Law
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is
listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew
they were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all
these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life
also." St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you
gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to
the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his
face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him
and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
----------------------------------------------------
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule
what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard
to get back on your feet.
----------------------------------------------------
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands
in his own pockets.
----------------------------------------------------
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
"Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
'gator."
----------------------------------------------------
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow.
One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
----------------------------------------------------
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ----
It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
----------
Legal business card:
Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe
Attorneys at Law
----------
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
...Benjamin Franklin.
----------
Q: what do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start! (From the movie War of the Roses)
Q: Why should scientists use lawyers instead of white mice?
A: 1) The lab technicians do not get as attached to the lawyers as they
do white mice.
2) There is not as much public outrage over the use of lawyers in lab
experiments.
3) The lawyers are willing to do things that the white mice wouldn't.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A man was standing in front of a judge
Man: Your honor, we did not gambling with money, we just played with chips.
Judge: Chips is like money therefore you were gambling. Fine $300.00
So the man took 3 red chips out of his pocket, and gave them to the judge.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call a dog out in the rain?
A. A Soggie Doggie
Q. What do you call a dog that licks alot?
A. A Smoochie poochie
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Two farmers were talking about an upcoming election. The first farmer said
"Say, your six boys all grew up to be good Democrats didn't they?". The second
farmer replied "All except Jake, he learned to read"
----------------------------------------------------
What's the proper name for this molecule?
Fe
Fe ! Fe
\ ! /
Fe -- Fe -- Fe
/ ! \
Fe ! Fe
Fe
A Ferrous wheel.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call eight rabbits all in a row, hopping backwards?
A receding hareline!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The armed forces are a gold mine on aviation anecdotes. Have
you heard this one? An F-4 was flying escort with a B-52 and
generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around
the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was,
"Cnything you can do, I can do better." Not to be outdone, the
bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.
Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"
"We just shut down two engines."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
There was this hijacker so dumb that he demanded four hostages and a gun.
----------------------------------------------------
Seems a fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire
department from the near-by town was called to put the fire out. The fire
proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle. Someone
suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. And though there
was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They
drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames.
The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying
water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire,
breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work, and
so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he
presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department
planned to do with the funds.
"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do
is get the brakes fixed on that damned fire truck."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
According to a recent government publication ...
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Abby,
I have two brothers, one works at IBM, the other was sentenced to death in
the gas chamber. My mother died of insanity when I was three years old,
my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells narcotics.
Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served
time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love this girl and
want to marry her.
My problem is this:
Shall I tell her about my brother who works at IBM.
Sincerely,
Fred
----------------------------------------------------
english.39dejanr,
[žisto da znate - ima da vas mučim ovim tupavim američkim vicevima
(kakav je to narod kad se ovome smeje) sve dok se i vi malo ne
aktivirate i ne počnete da šaljete nešto sočno domaće :) ]
==========================
chatter/comic #48, from jfleming, 818 chars, Sun Aug 26 10:08:59 1990
--------------------------
TITLE: This man walks into a bar ...
late at night. There's nobody in the bar but the bartender and a
woman. She's pretty but skimpily dressed, with a little too much
makeup, and a little too much cheap jewelry. He sits down a few
seats from her and orders a drink. When the bartender brings the
drink, the man quietly asks him "She a working girl?"
"Yup."
So he turns to the girl and asks "Ya workin' now?"
"Yeah, but I'm not gonna be here much longer. Make up your
mind."
"What's the tab?"
"200 bucks, and I'll do anything you can describe in three
words."
He thought about that for a moment.
"OK, you're on."
"Money up front."
"Here's the $200".
"Well, what's it gonna be?"
He paused for a moment, then said
"Paint my house!"
english.40djovicevic,
From ssdesai@elbereth.rutgers.edu Mon Aug 7 15:11:10 1989
From: ssdesai@elbereth.rutgers.edu (Sunil S. Desai)
Subject: Murphy's Laws on Sex
MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX
--------------------
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is
to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it,
because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount
of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've
got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to
get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops
listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the
same ones she can't stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you
won't either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for
crop failure.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that
caused the trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot
of frogs.
28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse
than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
30. Love is a hole in the heart.
31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone
into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on
the moon.
32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
33. Do it only with the best.
34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned
four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine
women.
37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at
all.
39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the
women he couldn't.
44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but t({&Ë^->űmagic in
the stick.
45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
46. Never say no.
47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
52. Love comes in spurts.
53. The world does not revolve on an axis.
54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other
eight are unimportant.
55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they
fall in love.
58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
60. "This won't hurt, I promise."
ű
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to
funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply,
mailers willing.
űI reply to all submissions, but about 20% of the replies bounce.
english.41djovicevic,
PRIMER FOR HOMEOWNERS: THE ELECTRICAL SYSTEM
--------------------------------------------
The most important thing to find out about the
electrical system is whether it cointains enough "volts", which
are little tiny pieces of electricity shaped like arrows so you
can tell which direction they're moving ...
The standard measurement for volts is "amps", also
called "watts", which travel around in what is called a
"circuit" .
A typical circuit works as follows:
At the electrical company, fuel oil is burned to set
fire to a generator, which gives off electrical energy in the
form of sparks, which are put into wires and sent to your home,
where the electricity waits in the wall until you turn on your
toaster, at which point it rushes through the wire abd into the
English muffin and from there into your stomach, where it
remains until a cool, dry day when you are walking down a hall
scuffing your feet on a carpet and you go to open a door,
causing the electricity to leap into the doorknob, where it
remains forever, building up over time to tremendously high
levels, which os why scientists are now concerned that some
unscrupulous entity such as Libya or God forbid an adolescent
male ever figures how to release this power, he could, using
only the latent doo´krknob energy contained in a singleolder
ranch-style home, vaporize Oregon.
But your immediate concern, as a potential buyer, is
making sure that the house has the right number of volts .
Following is a chart depicting the most popular voltages
currently available in the housing market:
POPULAR HOME VOLTAGES
ű 120
220
9*
* Requires 9-volt battery
(not included)
Which voltage is right for you? This, more than
anything else, is a matter of taste; and like most matters of
personal taste, it is best left in the hands of a qualified
interior designer.
(Primary source of text: "Homes and Other Black Holes", by Dave
Barry and Jeff MacNelly, Random House, New York, 1988)
english.42djovicevic,
Article 2172 of eunet.jokes:
Path: santra!tut!draken!kth!mcvax!hp4nl!mcvax!ukc!mucs!liv-cs!zanussi
From: zanussi@mva.cs.liv.ac.uk
Newsgroups: eunet.jokes
Subject: Re: Murphy's computer laws
Message-ID: <2809@mva.cs.liv.ac.uk>
Date: 15 Mar 89 14:15:22 GMT
Organization: Computer Science CSMVAX, Liverpool University
Lines: 235
As requested, Murphy's Laws, etc. :-
MURPHY'S LAWS AND OTHER OBSERVATIONS
MURPHY'S LAWS
1. IF ANYTHING CAN GO WRONG, IT WILL.
2. IF THERE IS A POSSIBILITY OF SEVERAL THINGS GOING WRONG, THE ONE
THAT
WILL CAUSE THE MOST DAMAGE WILL BE THE FIRST ONE TO GO WRONG.
3. IF ANYTHING JUST CANNOT GO WRONG, IT WILL ANYWAY.
4. IF YOU PERCEIVE THAT THERE ARE FOUR POSSIBLE WAYS IN WHICH
SOMETHING
CAN GO WRONG, AND CIRCUMVENT THESE, THEN A FIFTH WAY, UNPREPARED
FOR,
WILL PROMPTLY DEVELOP.
5. LEFT TO THEMSELVES, THINGS TEND TO GO FROM BAD TO WORSE.
6. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY
OVERLOOKED
SOMETHING.
7. NATURE ALWAYS SIDES WITH THE HIDDEN FLAW.
8. MOTHER NATURE IS A BITCH.
O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY'S LAWS
MURPHY WAS AN OPTIMIST.
GINSBERG'S THEOREMS
1. YOU CAN'T WIN.
2. YOU CAN'T BREAK EVEN.
3. YOU CAN'T EVEN QUIT THE GAME.
FORSYTH'S SECOND COROLLARY TO MURPHY'S LAWS
JUST WHEN YOU SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, THE ROOF CAVES
IN.
WEILER'S LAW
NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR THE MAN WHO DOESN'T HAVE TO DO IT HIMSELF.
THE LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING
1. ANY GIVEN PROGRAM, WHEN RUNNING, IS OBSOLETE.
2. ANY GIVEN PROGRAM COSTS MORE AND TAKES LONGER EACH TIME IT IS
RUN.
3. IF A PROGRAM IS USEFUL, IT WILL HAVE TO BE CHANGED.
4. IF A PROGRAM IS USELESS, IT WILL HAVE TO BE DOCUMENTED.
5. ANY GIVEN PROGRAM WILL EXPAND TO FILL ALL THE AVAILABLE MEMORY.
6. THE VALUE OF A PROGRAM IS INVERSELY PROPORTIONAL TO THE WEIGHT OF
ITS OUTPUT.
7. PROGRAM COMPLEXITY GROWS UNTIL IT EXCEEDS THE CAPABILITY OF THE
PROGRAMMER WHO MUST MAINTAIN IT.
PIERCE'S LAW
IN ANY COMPUTER SYSTEM, THE MACHINE WILL ALWAYS MISINTERPRET, MI-
CONSTRUE, MISPRINT, OR NOT EVALUATE ANY MATH OR SUBROUTINES OR
FAIL TO PRINT ANY OUTPUT ON AT LEAST THE FIRST RUN THROUGH.
COROLLARY TO PIERCE'S LAW
WHEN A COMPILER ACCEPTS A PROGRAM WITHOUT ERROR ON THE FIRST
RUN, THE PROGRAM WILL NOT YIELD THE DESIRED OUTPUT.
ADDITION TO MURPHY'S LAWS
IN NATURE, NOTHING IS EVER RIGHT. THEREFORE, IF EVERYTHING IS
GOING RIGHT... SOMETHING IS WRONG.
BROOK'S LAW
IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, TRANSFORM YOUR DATA SET!
GROSCH'S LAW
COMPUTING POWER INCREASES AS THE SQUARE OF THE COST.
GOLUB'S LAWS OF COMPUTERDOM
1. FUZZY PROJECT OBJECTIVES ARE USED TO AVOID EMBARRASSMENT OF
ESTIMATING THE CORRESPONDING COSTS.
2. A CARELESSLY PLANNED PROJECT TAKES THREE LONGER TO COMPLETE
THAN EXPECTED; A CAREFULLY PLANNED PROJECT TAKES ONLY TWICE
AS LONG.
3. THE EFFORT REQUIRED TO CORRECT COURSE INCREASES
GEOMETRICALLY WITH TIME.
4. PROJECT TEAMS DETEST WEEKLY PROGRESS REPORTING BECAUSE IT SO
VIVIDLY MANIFESTS THEIR LACK OF PROGRESS.
OSBORN'S LAW
VARIABLES WON'T; CONSTANTS AREN'T.
GILB'S LAWS OF UNRELIABILITY
1. COMPUTERS ARE UNRELIABLE, BUT HUMANS ARE EVEN MORE UNRELIABLE.
2. ANY SYSTEM THAT DEPENDS UPON HUMAN RELIABILITY IS UNRELIABLE.
3. UNDETECTABLE ERRORS ARE INFINITE IN VARIETY, IN CONTRAST TO
DETECT-
ABLE ERRORS, WHICH BY DEFINITION ARE LIMITED.
4. INVESTMENT IN RELIABILITY WILL INCREASE UNTIL IT EXCEEDS THE
PROB-
ABLE COST OF ERRORS, OR UNTIL SOMEONE INSISTS ON GETTING SOME
USEFUL
WORK DONE.
LUBARSKY'S LAW OF CYBERNETIC ENTOMOLOGY
THERE'S ALWAYS ONE MORE BUG.
TROUTMAN'S POSTULATES
1. PROFANITY IS THE ONE LANGUAGE UNDERSTOOD BY ALL PROGRAMMERS.
2. NOT UNTIL A PROGRAM HAS BEEN IN PRODUCTION FOR SIX MONTHS WILL
WILL THE MOST HARMFUL ERROR BE DISCOVERED.
3. JOB CONTROL CARDS THAT POSITIVELY CANNOT BE ARRANGED IN IMPROPER
ORDER WILL BE.
4. INTERCHANGEABLE TAPES WON'T.
5. IF THE INPUT EDITOR HAS BEEN DESIGNED TO REJECT ALL BAD INPUT,
AN INGENIOUS IDIOT WILL DISCOVER A METHOD TO GET BAD DATA PAST
IT.
6. IF A TEST INSTALLATION FUNCTIONS PERFECTLY, ALL SUBSEQUENT
SYSTEMS
WILL MALFUNCTION.
WEINBERG'S SECOND LAW
IF BUILDERS BUILT BUILDINGS THE WAY PROGRAMMERS WROTE PROGRAMS,
THEN THE FIRST WOODPECKER THAT CAME ALONG WOULD
DESTROY CIVILIZATION.
GUMPERSON'S LAW
THE PROBABILITY OF ANYTHING HAPPENING IS IN INVERSE RATIO TO ITS
DESIRABILITY.
GUMMIDGE'S LAW
THE AMOUNT OF EXPERTISE VARIES IN INVERSE RATIO TO THE NUMBER OF
STATEMENTS UNDERSTOOD BY THE GENERAL PUBLIC.
ZYMURGY'S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING SYSTEM DYNAMICS
ONCE YOU OPEN A CAN OF WORMS, THE ONLY WAY TO RECAN THEM IS TO USE
A LARGER CAN (OLD WORMS NEVER DIE, THEY JUST WORM THEIR WAY INTO
LARGER CANS).
HARVARD'S LAW, AS APPLIED TO COMPUTERS
UNDER THE MOST RIGOROUSLY CONTROLLED CONDITIONS OF PRESSURE,
TEMPERATURE, VOLUME, HUMIDITY AND OTHER VARIABLES, THE COMPUTER
WILL DO AS IT DAMN WELL PLEASES.
SATTINGER'S LAW
IT WORKS BETTER IF YOU PLUG IT IN.
JENKINSON'S LAW
IT WON'T WORK.
HORNER'S FIVE THUMB POSTULATE
EXPERIENCE VARIES DIRECTLY WITH EQUIPMENT RUINED.
CHEOP'S LAW
NOTHING EVER GETS BUILD ON SCHEDULE OR WITHIN BUDGET.
RULE OF ACCURACY
WHEN WORKING TOWARD THE SOLUTION OF A PROBLEM, IT ALWAYS HELPS IF
YOU KNOW THE ANSWER.
ZYMURG'S SEVENTH EXCEPTION TO MURPHY'S LAW
WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS
PUDDER'S LAWS
1. ANYTHING THAT BEGINS WELL ENDS BADLY
2. ANYTHING THAT BEGINS BADLY ENDS WORSE.
WESTHEIMER'S RULE
TO ESTIMATE THE TIME IT TAKES TO DO A TASK: ESTIMATE THE TIME YOU
THINK IT SHOULD TAKE, MULTIPLY BY TWO AND CHANGE THE UNIT OF MEASURE
TO THE NEXT HIGHEST UNIT. THUS, WE ALLOCATE TWO DAYS FOR A ONE HOUR
TASK.
STOCKMAYER'S THEOREM
IF IT LOOKS EASY, IT'S TOUGH. IF IT LOOKS TOUGH, IT'S DAMN NEAR
IMPOS-
SIBLE.
ATWOODS COROLLARY
NO BOOKS ARE LOST BY LENDING EXCEPT THOSE YOU PARTICULARLY WANTED TO
KEEP.
JOHHNSON'S THIRD LAW
IF YOU MISS ONE ISSUE OF ANY MAGAZINE, IT WILL BE THE ISSUE THAT
CON-
TAINS THE ARTICLE, STORY OR INSTALLMENT YOU WERE MOST ANXIOUS TO
READ.
COROLLARY TO JOHNSON'S THIRD LAW
ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS EITHER MISSED IT, LOST IT OR THREW IT OUT.
HARPER'S MAGAZINE LAW
YOU NEVER FIND THE ARTICLE UNTIL YOU REPLACE IT.
BROOKE'S LAW
ADDING MANPOWER TO A LATE SOFTWARE MAKES IT LATER.
english.43dejanr,
From: fmgst@unix.cis.pitt.edu (Filip Gieszczykiewicz)
Greetings.
Q: How do you double the value and weight of a Yugo?
A: You fill the gas tank!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: trebor@biar.UUCP (Robert J Woodhead)
"You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and
on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is "We aren't
in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and
short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer
through another long answering machine message when you call me..."
(and an oldy...)
"Thankyou for calling Robert's House of Love. All of our customer
service representatives are, er.., busy servicing customers, so at the
sound of the erotic tone, leave your name, number, and a short description
of whatever turns you on..."
--+++++++++++++++++++++
From: ean@gvlv3.gvl.unisys.com (Ed Naratil)
Dear Mr. _________________,
This letter is being sent to you, for we know that you are critically
interested in your front yard.
This is a FERTILIZER CLUB and it will not cost a cent to you.
Upon receipt of this letter, go to the first address (#1) on the list
and shit on the lawn. You will not be the only one there, so don't be
embarrassed.
Then delete the first name and address, move the others up one, and
add your name to the bottom of the list. Then make five (5) copies
of this letter and send them to five of your friends who appreciate
a good lawn.
Your reward will come next summer when you will have the greatest lawn
in your neighborhood.
#1 Mrs. Harry Butt #2 Mr. Smelly B. Hind
236 Corn Cob Alley 2 Diarrhea Way
Pottstown, PA Chambersburg, PA
#3 Mrs. Lucy Bowels #4 Mr. O. Howie Farts
29 Bed Pan Court 272 Fertilizer Parkway
Pottsville, PA Bath, PA
#5 Mrs. Orval Crap #6 Mr. Z. Bigger Movement
1422 Enema Drive U-2 Rectum Road
Potts Grove, PA Pottsboro, TX
#7 Mrs. Chas. Syringe #8 Mr. Took A. Leak
2 Suppositor Lane 742 Running Loose Lane
Whistle Britches, PA Potterville, MI
If you are constipated, please pass this along to your neighbor.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN! One man didn't give a shit and lost his entire
lawn. Don't let this happen to you. This letter is sent by a friend
who DOES GIVE A SHIT!
+++++++++++++++++++++++
From: sarwate@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu
Subject: Funny lawyer joke
A lawyer suspected his wife of cheating on him, so one day at the office, he
decided to call home to find out. The maid answered his call.
"Are you the new maid my wife hired?" he asked
The maid responded in the affirmative.
"Good. I want you to go and see what my wife is doing."
The maid goes, comes back to the phone, and says that his wife
is playing hide-the-salami in the bedroom with the chauffeur.
"Damn. I knew it. Okay, listen carefully. I want you to take the
gun the top drawer of my desk, and shoot my wife and that scum-sucking
chauffeur. I'm one of the best criminal lawyers in the country, and I'll
be able to clear you of all charges, plus I'll pay you $25,000."
The maid says ok, goes off, and in the distance, the lawyer hears
two shots go off. The maid returns to the phone, saying the deed has been done.
"Excellent. Now, go and dump the bodies in the swimming pool."
"What swimming pool?"
"Isn't this 685-4728?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: shrum@eos.UUCP (Richard Barry Shrum)
Subject: not a leg...
Q: What does a man do on 2 legs, a dog on 3, and a woman sitting down?
(give up?)
A: Shake hands
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: cpdcoop4@mozart.amd.com (Cathy Svoboda-Takac)
Subject: flea joke
There's this flea, soaking up the rays on the beach in
Florida. Along comes his friend, dissheveled and all
messed up looking.
Says Flea#1: "What the hell happened to you?!"
Flea #2: "Got a ride down here in this biker's moustache.
Must've been tearing down that highway at 90 miles per!!"
Flea #1: "Well, don't worry. I'll tell you how to get down
here for next time. It'll be the easiest ride you ever had."
Next year. Same beach, same fleas:
Flea #1--laying on the beach, Flea #2 approaches with same
appearance as had last time:
"Hey, dude! I thought you were going to travel the way I
told you last year!"
Flea #2: "I tried! I tried! I did just like you told me:
Went into the women's restroom, jumped up on the toilet seat,
waited for somebody to sit down, nestled into her pussy hair
and was all set for the ride here. Next thing I know, there
I am in a biker's moustache, tearing down the highway at 90
miles per!!!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: krol@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu (Ed Krol)
Subject: 2 Golf Jokes
A couple had been married 50 years when they died together in an
auto accident and they played golf together every day of their married
life. When they got to heaven St. Peter was showing them around. Here
is your condo on the course, outside is a golf cart at your disposal
with a wet bar and cd player. In back are custom made clubs with
a supply of balls and tees. If you lose them new ones will appear.
You can play our courses day or night as much as you desire....
After the whole spiel the husband turns to the wife and says "I could
have been here 20 years ago if you hadn't been forcing those damned
oat bran muffins on me".
The follower of a TV evangelist who claimed to speak regularly with
god asked the minister if there was golf in heaven. The evangelist
did not know but said next time they conversed he would inquire. A
while later the evangelist came to his follower and said "I have good
news and bad news. The good news is there is golf in heaven, the bad
news is your tee time is next Wednesday."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: ean@gvlv3.gvl.unisys.com (Ed Naratil)
Subject: The Boss
When the body was first made - all parts wanted to be boss.
The Brain said: Since I control everything and do all the
thinking, I should be Boss.
The Feet said: Since I carry man where he wants to go and
get him in position to do what the Brain wants, I should be Boss.
The Hands said: Since I must do all the work and earn all
the money to keep the rest of you going, I
should be Boss.
The Eyes said: Since I must look out for all of you and tell
you where danger lurks, I should be Boss.
And so it went with the Heart and the Lungs. Finally the Asshole
spoke up and demanded to be Boss. All of the other parts laughed
at the idea of an Asshole being Boss.
The Asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused
to function. Soon the Brain was feverish, the Eyes crossed and
ached, the Feet were too weak to walk, the Hands hung limply at
the sides, and the Heart and Lungs struggled to keep going.
All pleaded with the Brain to let the Asshole be Boss and so it
happened. All the other parts did all the work and the Asshole
just Bossed and passed out a lot of shit.
THE MORAL: You don't have to be a Brain to be Boss,
just an ASSHOLE!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: mh@zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu (Michael Husman)
Subject: Fill in the punchline answers
>1. Why do they boil water when delivering a baby?
So that if it is born dead they can make soup.
>2. What's the difference between a girl's track team and some smart pygmies?
One is a bunch of cunning runts...(you can figure out the rest.)
>3. What's the difference between Jimmy Swaggart and a pickpocket?
One snatches watches...(same idea as #2).
>4. How is the military like a rubber?
They both give you the feeling of protection while you're getting fucked.
>5. Why did the <stupid ethnic> stop breast feeding her baby?
It hurt too much when she boiled her nipples.
Alternate: After two feedings she ran out of breasts.
>6. What is Mozart (or Beethoven or Brahms) doing now?
Decomposing.
>7. What is red and green and goes 500 mile per hour?
A frog in a blender.
>8. What do a <stupid ethnic> girl and a hockey player have in common?
They both wear their pads for three periods.
>9. How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In little knotsies (Nazis)
>10. What goes in dry,pink and hard, and comes out wet, pink and soft?
Bubble Gum.
>11. What's long, hard and has semen in it?
No, a submarine.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: mokry@ctr.columbia.edu (Robert Mokry)
Subject: Sometimes you feel like a nut.
The coworkers of a man decide to play a joke on him. When he arrives
in the morning, one of his friends says to him, "Are you OK? You look
terrible." After several people tell him the same thing throughout
the day, he gets worried, and even though he feels perfectly fine, he
goes to the doctor.
"Doctor, I feel good, but everyone tells me that I look terrible.
What's wrong with me?" the man asks.
The doctor opens one of his huge reference books and says, "Hmm, let's
see ... looks good, tastes terrible ... looks good, feels terrible ...
tastes good, looks terrible."
Finally the doctor says, "Well, the closest match to your symptoms
that I can find is 'tastes good, looks terrible'."
"Yes, I guess that's close enough," the man agrees.
"Well," says the doctor, "then you're a pistachio nut."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: ybarra@sunset.sedd.trw.com
Subject: Indian
A ranchy old Indian, just released from prison after a long stretch, went
straight to his favorite tavern to get shit-faced. He noticed a long-haired,
bearded, dirty biker sitting a few stools away. The Indian sat and stared
at the scruffy guy until the biker turned to him
and said, "Hey, redman, what the fuck are you staring at?"
The indian answered, "Twenty years ago I got put in the
slammer for fucking a buffalo. I thought you might be my son."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: 21329KAD@MSU.BITNET (Kim Dyer)
Subject: parachute joke
William F. Buckley, Donald Trump, The Pope an a hippy were all flyin
across the mountains in a small single engine plane. Suddenly the
pilot comes back and says "We've run out of fuel, we're going down,
and there are only four parachutes. This one is mine. Bye." He turns
and jumps out of the plane.
Donald Trump grabs one of the parachutes. "I'm the richest man in the
world ... I can't die like this. I'm taking one of the parachutes."
He turns and jumps out of the plane.
William F. Buckley grabs a parachute. "I'm the smartest man in the
world ... I can't die like this. I'm taking one of the parachutes."
He turns and jumps out of the plane.
The Pope looks at the hippy. "Listen Son," he says. "There's only
one parachute left, and I'm an old man. You have your life ahead of
you. Take the last parachute".
The hippy looks at the Pope. "Don't sweat it man. We're both saved.
The "smartest man in the world" just jumped with my backpack."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: SMTP%jeannie@scri1.scri.fsu.edu ("Jeannie Williford")
Subject: Re: Insult war
That's a pretty dress you have on, what did you do with the rest of the
table cloth?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: johnk@piave.jpl.nasa.gov (John Kerenyi)
Subject: Re: Insult war
First of all, the one above is better phrased as "I could have been your
dad, but the dog beat me over the fence." Just a minor point, but it
flows better.
Your mom's so big, they had to baptize her at Sea World.
Your mom's teeth are so yellow, her tongue has to wear sunglasses.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: ee5391aa@hydra.unm.edu (Duke McMullan n5gax)
Subject: Re: Insult war
Were you born stupid, or did you have to study? Anyone who thinks nature ab-
hors a vaccuum ought to take a look at you, you retarded planarian. Your brain
would sit on the edge of a razor blade like a BB on an eight-lane highway.
Look in the dictionary under "ugly," and there's a picture of you. You black-
water-drinking, wormcast-licking, festering, pestilential, pernicious, pi-
thecan parasite! May your food turn to camel dung in your mouth, may your
stools run surpassingly bloody for eighteen days, and may you thereafter
become the first victim of retroactive birth control. I excrete in your gen-
eral direction. I cast offal on the threshold of your house. I curse you
under cloud and under sky. Go hence to a swift and bitter death!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: tscott@plains.NoDak.edu (The Dwelf)
Subject: Offensive to the REALLY RELIGIOUS
Jesus Christ goes into this hotel, walks up to the hotel clerk, slaps
three iron nails on the desk and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: bls@u02.svl.cdc.com (Brian Scearce)
Subject: Another Prostitute joke
Another young man finds himself in the Big City (Corner Brook) and
starts looking for one of the world-renouned hookers he's heard so
much about. He finds one, and she asks him what he wants to do.
He's pretty inexperienced, so he asks her for a suggestion.
"Have you ever tried a 69?" she asks.
"No," he replies, "let's give that a go, then."
They enter a hotel room and assume the position. After a moment,
though, the young lady farts. The guy stops for a moment, then
resumes. A moment later, she farts again. He stops, looks at her,
then continues. She unfortunately lets off one more, and he stops
completely.
"Would it be possible for us to do somethin' else, lass?" he asks.
"Sure," she says, embarrassed.
"Good," he answers, "because I don't know if I could stand another
sixty-six of those."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: test@math13.math.umbc.edu
Subject: Joke
Here's another one along the line of nuns in a bathtub, the soap
wearing out, etc.
Q: What the difference between a nun in a church and
a nun in a bathtub?
A: The nun in the church has hope in her soul.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: erik@hpfcso.HP.COM (Erik Lode)
Subject: Kilt humor
A tourist wagon stops for a rest in Scotland, and a lady steps out to
walk around. She notices a Scotsman asleep under a tree and roams over
to where he is. She is curious about what Scotsmen wear underneath
their kilts, so she checks. He is wearing no underclothes. She feels
funny about looking under his kilt and leaving, so she takes off one
of the bluish ribbons from her hair and ties it around his penis. At
that point it's time to climb aboard the wagon again and drive off.
Sometime later the Scotsman awakens. He notices that something
feels a bit odd under his kilt, so he checks and sees the ribbon.
Then he smiles and says "I don't know where you've been, laddie,
but I'm glad you won first prize."
Three Scotswomen are walking home at night (they are neighbors) and
find a Scotsman passed out partially under a wagon. His upper body is
under the wagon, and they can't see who it is. However, they would
like to help him get home. The first woman looks under his kilt
and says "That's not my husband." The second woman looks under his
kilt and says "That's not my husband." The third woman looks under
his kilt and says "Why, he's not even from this village!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: JKC3@psuvm.psu.edu (Joe Cool)
Subject: the bear and the bunny joke
One day a bunny stopped in the woods to take a dump. While he was squatting
there a bear came up beside him and squatted and also started to take a dump.
After a few minutes of friendly conversation, the bear said,"Mr. bunny can I
ask you a personal question?" and the bunny said "sure Mr.bear" and the
bear asked," do You have any trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The
bunny replied, "Why, no Mr. Bear I don't."
With no hesitation, the bear quickly says "Great" and picks the bunny up
and wipes with him!
Ok, so it's an old joke, but I like it.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: cate3.osbunorth@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
Subject: Lots of old puns
In brief,
Roy Rogers gets a new pair of boots, but a mountain lion eats the
boots. To get even, Roy chases (insert colorful description as needed) and
kills (after long fight - to be described in vivid detail) the lion, and
returns carrying the lion back to camp. When he returns, Dale Evans
exclaims, "Pardon me, Roy. Is that the cat who chewed your new shoes."
----------------------------------------------------
There was once an agricultural extension of a community college that
was into growing big fruit. Now we're really talking big fruit here:
they grew blueberries the size of oranges and strawberries the size of
grapefruits. Not only were they big, but they were also the sweetest,
juiciest, most luscious fruit you've ever tasted. Realizing the
commercial value of such fruit, before attempting large scale
cultivation, they decided to insure these fruit. But in order to get
something insured, you need to have it valued for insurance purposes.
What do academics know about insurance anyway? So they look in the
phone book, and call the first entry: the Acme Insurance Valuation
Service. These two guys show up and they are pretty shady looking
characters; they're not wearing lab coats, they're wearing
trenchcoats! The guys from Acme pick up the fruit and start walking
out with it. The scientists are surprised and incensed, and ask "Are
you going to value them here, or give us a receipt, or what?" The two
guys from Acme reply "We have come to seize your berries, not to
appraise them."
----------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, in a far-off land, there was a kingdom
in which the king was fond of history and ancient things.
He would collect historical objects, dress in royal threads
from bygone eras, and generally try to live ancient traditions.
One day the king issued a royal proclamation, as kings are
wont to do now and then. Of course, he wrote the proclamation
in the language of 200 years ago, rich in antiquated spellings,
obsolete words, now-defunct verb forms, etc.
The general population, of course, could make neither head nor
tail of the proclamation. A vast legal muddle ensued. The
courts, called upon to untangle the mess, pronounced a ruling
that, henceforth, all royal proclamations must be written in
modern, currently accepted prose. In other words,
We can't have archaic and edict, too.
----------------------------------------------------
There was this guy named Joe Gordon. He was a miner who
worked down in southeast Ohio in the coal mines. One fine Monday
morning in the spring, Joe was shaving and listening to the radio
when the disk jockey said, "... and we hope you all remembered
that Daylight Savings time started over the weekend. Otherwise,
you're an hour late!"
"Oh no!" Joe thought to himself. "I'm going to be late for
work!!" So Joe hopped in his car and drove off to work.
Now, it just so happens that in the area where Joe lived,
the roads were very narrow, and little more than ruts in the
ground. It was impossible to pass anyone on these roads. There-
fore, you can understand how upset Joe got when he rounded a hill
and saw in front of him a little old lady driving 3 miles per hour!!
After about five minutes of this, Joe got really ticked. He was
thinking of someway to get rid of this lady, when he saw an emergency
telephone off to the side of the road. So what does he do? He hops
out of his car, runs over to the phone booth, and calls the cops,
who come and arrest the little old lady!! Do you know what the
charges were???
Simple: Contributing to the delinquency of a miner !!!
----------------------------------------------------
It seems there were two frogs sitting on a lilly pad, when all
of a sudden, a fly came along. One frog put out his tongue, ate the
fly, and started laughing histerically. Soon the other frog joined
in the laughter.
Later in the day, the other frog ate a fly and the two frogs
burst out in laughter. As time went on, the frogs enjoyed the flies so
much that the sight of a fly would cause them to double up with pleasure
(if it's possible for frogs to double up!). But of course, the most
pleasure came when the fly was actually eaten.
A third frog hopped up to the first two and asked what
was so funny. The first frog answered "Time." "Huh?" asked the third frog.
The second frog exlained:
"Time's fun when your having flies"
----------------------------------------------------
There was once a very influential farmer in an obscure part of China.
He had a problem, for which he sought the counsel of the two wise men
in town. So he summons the two wise men, Hing, who is an scientist,
and Ming, who is a sorcerer, and requests that they find a cure for
his chickens who are losing their feathers and dying.
Hing decides to pay a visit to his mentor at the Agricultural
Extension of the local Community College, under whom he studied many
years ago. The mentor recommends the book "Everything You Always
Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask".
So Hing visits the library, borrows the book, and finds inside the
report of a study that finds that feeding the chickens with an
infusion of gum tree leaves is often a cure for chickens losing their
feathers.
Meanwhile back at the ranch, Ming reads obscure writings of ancient
wise men, he meditates, and he reads tarot cards. He also tries to
read the entrails of a fetal pig. Getting no inspiration he uses his
old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of discovery, he decides
that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure.
On the appointed day, at the appointed time, and at the appointed
place, the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer.
Ming reports "As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion
of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens." Hing agrees,
saying "Four out of five ornithologists recommend sugarless infusions
of gum tree leaves for their chickens who lose their feathers." The
influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town
are of a single mind.
He decides to carry out their advice, and it does not succeed. The
moral of this story is "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's ken
couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."
----------------------------------------------------
Note: The characters' speech should be spoken in a fake Asian accent.
The r's and l's should be merged into an intermediate sound.
When South Vietnam was nearing its end, and General Minh was in charge,
a popular artist came to him and asked to make a statue in his honor (at
government expense).
"Please, General Minh, you are the people's hero," he told him.
"Yes, but make the sculpture in bronze," replied the general.
So the artist made the sculpture, but when it was unveiled in a small
private ceremony, the general was furious. For the sculpture was made in
gold.
"I want bronze," he said, "I want bronze!"
The artist went away in a hurry, deeply impressed with this show of
humility. But he still wanted to honor the general, so he made the next
sculpture in silver.
But again the general was furious.
"I want bronze," he said, "I want bronze!"
This time the artist made the sculpture out of bronze as asked. When
the sculpture was revealed to the general, he was overjoyed at the wonderful
bronze likeness. The artist then complimented the general on his deep
humility.
This notion confused him very much.
"But why did you want sculpture made of bronze?"
"Why? I'll tell you why," said the general.
"Because General Minh prefer bronze!"
----------------------------------------------------
After several years of happy marriage, a man was getting ready for his
anniversary. Their two children had been shipped off to the grandparents -
a very nice dinner for two had been ordered from the local caterer, and he
and his wife were preparing for a very quiet romantic evening at home. He
had already gotten his wife's anniversary present - a diamond brooch, but
decided that a further touch would be neccesary. His wife had a fondness for
gardening and flowers, her favorite being Anemones, and he thought he would
present her with such a plant to replace one that had been knocked over by
their younger child several days earlier. So, on his way home from work,
just before he picked up the warming tray from the Caterer and the bottle
of champagne from the liquor store (Dom Perignon, of course), he stopped at
the Florist to pick up a live Anemone. Alas, however, the florist had sold his
last one earlier in the afternoon and was not going to get in a new shipment
until Monday. Heartbroken though he was, the man was persuaded by the
florist to instead buy a Boston Fern, which were on sale that week.
Arriving home, after carrying in the food and champagne, the man
presented his wife with the fern, and added that he had another suprise for
her. As he reached for the brooch, he mentioned about his first choice of
plants, and was about to apologize, but his wife stilled him.
"After all," she said, "with fronds like these, who needs Anemones."
english.44dejanr,
----------------------------------------------------
From: u9050566@wolfen.cc.uow.oz (Garreth Patrick MCADAM)
Subject: Re: Cosmetic Surgery.
OK. You asked for it
HOW TO PERFORM COSMETIC SURGERY USING NUCLEAR WARHEADS
Thesis by G McAdam
First of all you need a subject, we will call this
subject for want of a better name,The Victim.
STEP 1 Pre-Op
Anethesise the victim preferably with something modern like
the back of a NEW shovell. Secure the victim tightly and
place in the boot of the car. Drive approximately 25.3453
km from where the warhead is located(make sure this is a
straight distance or the results could be undesirable)
and dump the sucke..er..victim. Prepare for the operation
STEP 2 The operation
Board a helicopter and fly a further 100 km away from the
blast site. Don protective clothing and detonate the warhead
(you may need your parents permission to do this ). Then
fly back to where you left the victim.
STEP 3 Cosmetic Surgery
Notice the putty like texture of the victims skin? Good.
Now get the pliers and cake spatula to redesign the victims
face. Wasn't that easy. You can do that to his whole body.
Go on just yank his legs a little. Oops a bit too hard.
Oh well he always wanted to be 9 feet tall anyway.
STEP 4 Post-op
This is the most vital part of the operation. Do not hang
around waiting for the victims thanks. Get out of there
immediately. If you wait for the victim to wake up you
will find he is homicidally jealous of your skills as a surgeon
and your life will be worth spit. Goodbye for now
NEXT LESSON- How to remove parts of the anatomy using
food processors!!!
*************************************
From: cate3.osbunorth@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
Subject: A fun book review
----------------------------------------------------
Title: David Frost's Book of the World's Worst Decisions
Author: Frost, David & Michael Deakin
Publisher: Crown Publishers, Inc.
Date: 1983
David Frost is a well-known TV personality. Michael Deakin is programming
director for a television station founded by Frost in England. This book
is a collection of truly bad decisions from the fields of politics, sports,
business, science, show business, and everyday life.
Sam Phillips owned a small recording company in Memphis. In 1955 he sold
to RCA Records, for the sum of $35,000, the exclusive contract he had with
a young man named Elvis Presley, thereby forfeiting royalties on more than
a billion records.
In 1889 the editor of the San Francisco Examiner published one article by
Rudyard Kipling but declined to accept any more. "I'm sorry, Mr. Kipling,"
he said, "but you just don't know how to use the English language."
In 1981 Dora Wilson looked out her window and saw some men loading her
neighbor's priceless Persian carpets into a van. "What are you doing?"
she called.
"We're taking them to be cleaned," the men replied. "Will you take mine
too?" she asked. They did, and she never saw the men or the carpets again.
In 1910 Olav Olavson decided to raise some cash by selling his body to the
Karolinska Institute, for medical research after his death. The following
year he inherited a fortune and tried to buy himself back. The institute
refused to sell and went to court to verify their claim. They even won
damages, since Olav had had two teeth pulled without asking their
permission.
In 1938 Joe Shuster and Jerry Siegel sold all rights to the comic-strip
character Superman to their publishers for $130, a tidy $65 each.
In 1977 a South African hang-gliding instructor spotted an interesting sight
and made an obscene gesture at a woman who was sunbathing on a rooftop below
his flight path. The woman's husband appeared with a submachine gun and
blasted the birdman out of the sky.
In 1898 young Albert Einstein applied for admission to the Munich Technical
Institute, but was turned down on the grounds that he "showed no promise"
as a student.
In 1880 a house master at Harrow wrote of one of his pupils, "He is forgetful,
careless, unpunctual, irregular in every way.... If he is unable to conquer
this slovenliness he will never make a success of public school." The boy
in question was Winston Churchill.
In 1940 the British Secret Service decided that microfilms must be made of
all personnel records, in case the originals were damaged by enemy action.
It was only when the originals were, in fact, destroyed by enemy action
that it was discovered that the photographer had cropped the top of every
negative so the name of the person to whom the file referred was missing.
In 1862 the Union and Confederacy forces met at the Battle of Antietam.
The Union forces under General Burnside were ordered to cross the Potomac
River and join battle with the enemy. They marched across the bridge two
abreast, making an ideal target for Confederate gunners placed so as to command
the bridge. The slaughter was appalling. General Burnside had failed to
notice that the river was only waist deep and could have been crossed at
any other point in perfect safety.
In 1886 prospector Sors Hariezon decided to sell his South African gold claim
for $20. Over the next 90 years, mines sunk on or near his claim produced
over a million kilograms of gold a year, 70% of the gold supply of the
Western world.
During the 1950's when the BBC's new broadcasting facilities were built,
the corridors were narrow and labyrinthine. The Music Department became
concerned about the difficulties they would face in transporting their grand
pianos from one studio to another, and decided on a series of trials to find
the easiest route. They asked the BBC carpenters to make a plywood mockup
of a full-size piano rather than risk one of their expensive instruments.
The model was duly constructed -- and found to be too large to pass through
the door of the carpentry shop.
----------------------------------------------------
*************************************
From: cate3.osbunorth@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
Subject: How to prove something
----------------------------------------------------
Survey of proof techniques
This survey was written by Dana Angluin. Not really sure where it came from.
Proof by example:
The author gives only the case n=2 and suggests that it contains most
of the ideas of the general proof.
Proof by intimidation:
'Trivial.'
Proof by vigorous handwaving:
Works well in a classroom or seminar setting.
Proof by cumbersome notation:
Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special symbols.
Proof by exhaustion:
An issue or two of a journal devoted to your proof is useful.
Proof by omission:
'The reader may easily supply the details.'
'The other 253 cases are analogous.'
'...'
Proof by obfuscation:
A long plotless sequence of true and\or meaningless syntactically related
statements.
Proof by wishful citation:
The author cites the negation, converse, or generalization of a theorem
from the literature to support his claims.
Proof by funding:
How could three different government agencies be wrong?
Proof by eminent authority:
'I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP-complete.'
Proof by personal communication:
'Eight-dimensional colored cycle stripping is NP-complete [Karp, personal
commmunication].
Proof by reduction to the wrong problem:
'To see that infinite-dimensional colored cycle stripping is decidable,
we reduce it to the halting problem.'
Proof by reference to inaccessible literature:
The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found in a privately
circulated memoir of the Slovenian Philological Society, 1883.
Proof by importance:
A large body of useful consequences all follow from the proposition in
question.
Proof by accumulated evidence:
Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample.
Proof by cosmology:
The negation of the proposition is unimaginable or meaningless. Popular
for proofs of the existence of God.
Proof by mutual reference:
In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to follow from Theorem 3 in reference B,
which is shown to follow from Corollary 6.2 in reference C, which is an
easy consequence of Theorem 5 in reference A.
Proof by metaproof:
A method is given to construct the desired proof. The correctness of the
method is proved by any of these techniques.
Proof by picture:
A more convincing form of proof by example. Combines well with proof by
omission.
Proof by vehement assertion:
It is useful to have some kind of authority relation to the audience.
Proof by ghost reference:
Nothing even remotely resembling the cited theorem appears in the reference
given.
Proof by forward reference:
Reference is usually to a forthcoming paper of the author, which is often
not as forthcoming as at first.
Proof by semantic shift:
Some standard but inconvenient definitions are changed for the statement
of the result.
Proof by appeal to intuition:
Cloud-shaped drawings frequently help here.
----------------------------------------------------
*************************************
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
Subject: Jokes in a religious setting
----------------------------------------------------
There once was a preacher whose congregation was so large that he had
trouble remembering the names and faces of everyone in it. One fine
Sunday after the end of the service, he was greeting various members
of his congregation as they left the church. A woman came up to him and
said, "Good morning, Reverend, surely you remember me!"
Well, he didn't. But he made a valiant effort. "Why, you look like Helen
Brown."
The woman looked somewhat offended as she said, "Well, you don't look so
good in black, yourself!"
----------------------------------------------------
His first day on the job at a small rural town the new pastor
was surprised when only one person showed up for the ceremony.
Perplexed the pastor said,"Well young man...you'r the only one in
attendence,do you wish me to go on with the sermon ? "
after a silent moment the young cowboy replied " Weeeelll pastor
I don't know much about that religion stuff but i'll tell you this....
If i went out to pasture to slop the hog's and there was only one out
there i guarantee i'd feed e'm ." Upon this reply the pastor went forth
with his sermon,which lasted for an hour and a half!! When he finished
he asked the cowboy " Well son did you learn anything ? " Weeellll ",the
cowboy said " I didn't understand a lot of it but i'll tell you this.....
If i go out to pasture to slop the hog's and there is only one there
i sure wouldn't give him the whole load !! "
----------------------------------------------------
A man accidentally falls over a high cliff, and on
the way down he grabs onto the only branch within
reach or sight. In a few moments he summons enough strength
to move again, and he cries upward, "Help! Is there anyone
up there who can help me?"
A moment passes without event, and he again cries, "Help;
can anyone hear me? I need help!"
After another moment a booming voice answers, "THIS IS THE
VOICE OF GOD. BELIEVE IN ME. HAVE FAITH. SAY A PROPER PRAYER
AND LET GO OF THE BRANCH. YOU WILL FLOAT SLOWLY TO THE SAND,
UNHARMED. JUST LET GO."
Looking down at the jagged rocks and the pounding surf, the
man thinks for a second, and then calls up, "Is there anyone
ELSE up there?"
----------------------------------------------------
*************************************
From: garfield@triton.tamu.edu (Garfield Mahan)
Subject: Texas Brags jokes revisited
These are from "The Jokes on Texas" collected by John Randolph. My copy is
First Printing, First Edition, 1956.
===========================================================================
Two thirsty cowboys came to a water hole. When the horses waded in
for a drink, they stirred up lots of mud. One cowboy threw himslef down
between the horses and began to drink. The other, moving to the far side,
asked the first one why he didn't come around and drink where it was clear.
"Don't make no difference," drawled the first one when he came up
for a breath. "I aim to drink it all anyway."
Two newcomers driving through Texas got into an argument about which
was Texas' largest city. Spotting an old timer sitting on a fence rail, they
stopped and asked him to settle the question.
The old man looked up, then looked away and spat, looked back again
and in a slow Texas drawl replied, "Well, I reckon that if you slip the oil
men out of Houston, vacate the millionaires out of Dallas, deport the
Mexicans from San Antonio, send the cow men back home from Fort Worth, and
give all the Baptists in Waco a mission some place, I just recon it would be
Waxahachie."
A former resident of Waco, now making his home in South Carolina, came
back for a visit. He was reminiscing with his old friends when one of them
asked him if he would ever come back to Texas to live. "No," was his reply.
"I sure won't. Things out here are just too much one way or the other. It's
either too hot or too cold, too wild or too tame, too rich or too poor and I
was too much in that last condition when I moved away."
--- AMEN to that...boy could I use a raise...working for the State at poverty
SUCKS!!! --- garfield
"Been so dry that we got catfish in the creek three years old that
haven't learned to swim yet."
FEARLESS STOUT-HEARTED INTELLIGENT
They tell about an early settler named William Jack, an extremely
nearsighted man, being challenged to a duel. He was asked to name the weapons
and conditions. He quietly accepted. The weapons: double barrelled shot-
guns. The conditions: across the width of a card table.
The cleavage between sheepmen and cattlemen in early Texas was
shart and the breach was wide. A tough, weatherbeaten cattleman was persuaded,
after much urging by the pastor, to attend church. The pastor began reading
from the Scriptures but had gone no farther than "The Lord is my Shephard,
I shall not...," when the cattleman jumped up and stomped out. He'd been
tricked into a place where they dealt with sheep herders.
*************************************
From: felton@eng3.UUCP (Ed Felton)
Subject: MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMBAT
____________________________________________________________________________
________________________MURPHY'S_LAWS_OF_COMBAT_____________________________
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
4. There is always a way.
5. The easy way is always mined.
6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
7. Professionals are predictable it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. When you're ready for them.
b. When you're not ready for them.
9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
10. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
12. A "sucking chest wound" is natures way of telling you to slow down.
13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able
to get out.
17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
18. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.
19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
*********************************
From: SL82N@cc.usu.edu
Subject: Gutter Brain
What does Arnold Schwarzeneggar have that is long, President Bush
has that is short, Madonna doesn't have, and the Pope has but rarely
ever uses?
answer: Last names.
(What were you thinking?)
*********************************
From: msimon@alix.UUCP (Marry J. Simon)
Subject: Bedroom Golf
Bedroom Golf
1. The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally
one club and two balls.
2. Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may
begin.
3. Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club
into the hole, while keeping the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before
allowing play to commence.
5. Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length,
so as to avoid damange to the course.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible,
until the course owner is satisfied.
7. Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by
the course owner.
8. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will admire the
course, paying speical attention to the well formed bunkers.
9. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
played recently to the owner of the course presently being played.
10. If the course to be played is temporarily under repair, player is
advised to find altrnate means of play.
11. It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times
in one match.
12. Course owners shall be the judge of who is the best player.
13. It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players,
or even that you have played the course.
*********************************
=========================
From: M.PEARCE2@genie.com
Subject: Between Iraq and a hard place
I heard this from a Co Worker...
What did S. Hussein say to President Bush?
"Read my lips, we're moving out of Kuwait."
========================================
Upon reading about Iraq's statement that they will be
withdrawing from Kuwait, my SO comment was:
"Kuwaitus Interruptus"
=========================
Subject: A consequence of the invasion
From: greg@garnet.berkeley.edu (Greg Kuperberg)
I noticed that the price of American cheese went up 25% after Iraq
invaded Kuwait.
----
Greg Kuperberg
=========================
Subject: Read My Lips for the real reason
From: dodson@uxc.cso.uiuc.edu (Dave Dodson)
According to a UPI article, in his speech about sending troops to Saudi
Arabia,
President Bush said he ordered U.S. troops to the Mideast as a
defensive measure, to uphold American principles.
``Standing up for a principle is an American tradition,'' Bush
said. ``America has never waivered when her purpose is driven by
principle.''
Those who read his lips think he might have used the word 'principal'
(money) instead of 'principle' (a doctrine or rule or code of conduct).
Dave Dodson, Convex Computer Corporation
====================================
From: JRP1@phoenix.cambridge.ac.uk (Jonathan R. Partington)
Subject: topical; satirical; iraq
Mr Uk: Hello, Usa old chap.
Mr Usa: Hello, Uk.
Miss Kuwait: Help! Rape! Aaagh.
Usa: Do you see what's happening over there?
Uk: Isn't that Miss Kuwait being raped by somebody?
Usa: Yes, that's Mr Iraq, I think. Nasty chap.
Uk: Shall we make faces at him?
Usa: Oh that's a bit extreme, isn't it. Tell you what, let's
threaten to make faces at him if he doesn't stop.
Kuwait: HELP HELP! Aaagh.
Iraq (breathing heavily): It's all right, folks, I'll have finished
by Sunday.
Uk: Fine. Well we know you're a gentleman. We won't interfere.
Usa: Of course not. I'm sure you have a good reason for raping Miss K.
Iraq: Oh, Uk, old chap. I've kidnapped your children and locked them
in my house.
Uk: Fine, fine. Well I'm sure you had a good reason for it.
Usa: Well see you on Sunday then.
==================================
From: schumach@uxc.cso.uiuc.edu (Richard A. Schumacher)
Subject: Where Kuwaiti kids spend Saturday nights
At the Iraqi Horror Picture Show!
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
*********************************
From: CBTS8001@iruccvax.ucc.ie (Peter Flynn, UCC Computer Centre)
Subject: Two (relatively) new Yuga/Lada jokes?
My wife saw these in the current _Business and Finance_ so maybe they're
not that new. (USA readers substitute `Yugo' for `Lada')...
Q. What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User's Manual?
A. The bus and train timetables.
Q. What do you call a Lada on a hill?
A. A bloody miracle.
*********************************
From: dwallach@ultra.com (Dan Wallach)
Subject: male bathroom rules
A GUIDE TO PROPER ETIQUETTE IN THE MEN'S RESTROOM
Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself
structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These
have been known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes,"
"men's rooms," and several other names. As with any exclusive
organization, wholy half the human race aren't allowed through the
door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to
maintain a sense of order and dignity.
General rules:
1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with
an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.
2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissable, but absolutely don't
spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping
is only permissable after checking to see nobody else is around.
3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.
4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to
keep looking around. Read grafitti.
Grafitti rules:
5. All grafitti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace
your grafitti back to you, don't do it.
6. Writing grafitti in the open section of the bathroom is only
acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly
acceptable.
7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different
ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small
few, restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about
secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the
government may tend to use the bathroom, grafitti is forbidden.
8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress.
Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely
placed. Homosexual grafitti is generally frowned upon but is
gaining popularity.
9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.
10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by
the management of the bathroom.
Urinal rules:
11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the
outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side,
then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.
For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations:
X...... (X == occupied, . == empty)
X.....X
X..X..X
X.X.X.X
XXX.X.X <--- These are only acceptable when significant
XXX.XXX <--- "privacy" dividers are available. If the
XXXXXXX <--- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.
12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't
know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.
13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange.
At this point, flushing is mandatory.
14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the
urinal. Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.
Toilet rules:
15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.
16. Always flush.
17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.
Special cases:
18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply
for dealing with the females.
a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females
are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to
ignore her presense until you're dressed again.
19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only
if absolutely no other option is available.
20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't
available. Get behind sufficient growth that you are completely
invisible to the remainder of your party, before you begin.
Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or
insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet
paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes
a poor substitute.
*********************************
From: jik@pit-manager.mit.edu (Jonathan I. Kamens)
Subject: partners with God
(I don't know where this joke comes from originally; I heard it from
my father, who says he heard it many years ago and doesn't remember
from whom.)
A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with
weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing
all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to
bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make
this the farm of your dreams!"
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the
farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the
farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is
plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in
well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat
rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have
accomplished together!"
"Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm
was like when God was working it alone!"
english.45dejanr,
Our lab's run by three of us (a guy is the 'manager' over all, a girl is
the 'operator' [read: Vax runner], and I run the Suns), and we tend to
pull practical jokes on each other every once in a while. The manager came
up with a real beauty last week.
In the SHUTDOWN.COM procedures, he added a few lines to make it look like
this:
blahblah perform automatic reboot? blah blah...
(right after the last 'normal' question)
Will I dream? [yes] (she types yes)
Great! Lord knows I love a good dream.
<system comes down>
backup..
<system comes back up..enter SYLOGIN.COM>
(audit messages about images coming up)
Press [RETURN]:
Let me fill you in on my dream! It was horrible!! I dreamt I was
totally out-dated and I ran 4.3! And every night, after you all
left, the Suns tormented me through the window! They're real
bitches, those Suns! One even threw a Mip at me!
I was so SCARED...God I'm glad you're back!
Welcome to VAX/VMS 5.3-1.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical@looking.on.ca
Anything that is not a joke submission goes to funny-request@looking.on.ca
english.46dejanr,
(I wrote this myself while lamenting the plight of the pitiful graduate
student that I am. Thus, it is original and, alas, is all the research I
have managed to do this summer.
Sara Duncan duncan@rmy.rmy.emory.edu)
The Pedagological Tribal System of Primitive Cultures of the
Scientific Research Community
This study deals with a pedagological tribal system with
definite, almost overwhelming paternalistic mores and codes.
I had had some difficulty studying these tribes because they are
quite fierce and often impossible to communicate with except
in their own languages, which are diverse and may have roots
in latin. (I, however, tend to hold that these languages are a
development of the tribes themselves and are a major
contributory factor in their continued isolation from the
global community.) In general, members also appear to have
little ability to learn new languages. To overcome these
barriers, I am attempting to infiltrate a tribe and become a
full-fledged member of it. I am currently undergoing
initiation rites in a southeastern tribe called "Physiology
and Pharmacology". This is a preliminary report of my current
findings.
The adult males of any of the tribes which can be grouped
under the broad designation "researchers" are called
"professors" and sometimes "doctors".
The terms are not entirely interchangeable as the
higher ranking males are always referred to as "doctor"
whereas "professor" is a more generic term for all adult
males who have completed any variation of the initiation
process which is called "graduate school".
There are two groups of females in this culture, one group is
granted low ranking status as a quasi-male with
responsibilities similar to the very low-ranking males. They
are referred to as "professors" also, but are never actually
allowed to progress beyond certain set heirarchial levels.
This group is not often granted reproductive status. The
second group of females could be classified as sub-adult, as
they are never granted any of the rights of the full adult,
which is, of course, always male or quasi-male. They are
termed "professor's wives" and may only assume any status
through the male to whom they are attached and by telephone
calls to secretaries. The phone calling privilege is unique to
the "professor's wife" and is *never* usurped.
Interestingly, offspring of these unions are not acknowledged
within the culture and leave the tribe upon reaching
adolescence.
Reproduction is quite unusual and very interesting! The
tribes call this "recruitment". Several select members of the
tribe, usually middle-ranking males and even a few quasi-male
females travel to distant tribes called "undergraduate
colleges" where they put on quite lovely displays and make
generous offers to the neonates from the "undergraduate
colleges". This is similar to courtship in some cultures, but
is directed at procuring neonates. The neonates put on a
secondary display for the professors of their choosen tribe,
wherein they accept the wonderous offers. These are very
intricate dances, and only the best research tribes and neonates
are successful.
Once the new tribe members have arrived at their new tribe,
however, initiation may take anywhere from four to
seven years. I have seen examples of initiates being
subjected to trials for eight years! This does vary somewhat,
but the general rule is an extrordinarily long and quite
demanding set of incomprehensible tests that the candidates
for initiation must perform well on. These are similar to the
tribes of Africa who have to walk on hot coals in bare feet or
draw elaborate scars on all parts of their bodies. The
actual trials are called "preliminary exams" "qualifying
exams" and, of course the dreaded "dissertation defense" rite.
Unfortunatly, I have not yet been made privy to all the
inuendos of this final rite. Although I have been allowed to
watch during several. I was actually required to watch this
horrible test of human ability to withstand the agony of hours
of questions in very highly ceremonial language, many words of
which I am not yet informed. The medicine man of the tribe
changes for each different initiate. He is called the "major
professor", possibly referring to his power during the rite of
passage. The power of the medicine man is reflected on the
initiate and will follow him through his entire adult life.
These tribes have not yet been well characterized. This is
understandable in light of the extreme reclusivity and
exclusivity of all of the research tribes I have encountered.
Yet this should not preclude further in-depth analysis of a
truly unique way of life. I shall continue work within my
present tribe in hopes of becoming a full fledged member, as
it were, and of coming to full understanding of this culture.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Please use looking.on.ca and not just looking or looking.uucp.
english.47dejanr,
A couple of maintenance men are working around launch pad of the space shuttle
one day, when one of them notices some fuel leaking from one of the fuel
lines. They call mission control, who instructs them to try and contain the
fuel till they can figure out what to do about it.
They start collecting it into buckets, cans, jars, whatever they can find
around. After several hours (it takes mission control a *long* time to figure
out how to stop these things) one of them decides to take a taste of it.
Jim: "Hey, Joe! Take a taste of this stuff. It ain't half-bad."
Joe: "Are you crazy?"
Jim: "No, really. It's kinda like vodka or something."
Joe: "You're right! This is pretty good!"
Jim: "Yea! And I think I'm getting a good buzz off it too."
So Jim and Joe continue to drink their new-found drink and mop-up the rest of
the spilt fuel, though by now they're not really minding the work. The next
morning, Jim gets a phone call.
Jim: "Hello?"
Joe: "Hey Jim, how ya feeling?"
Jim: "Pretty good, actually. I don't have a hangover or nuthin'!"
Joe: "Have you gone to the bathroom yet?"
Jim: "No, why?"
Joe: "Cuz I'm calling you from Australia."
__________________
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
english.48dejanr,
This was an actual posting at MIT for a job oppurtunity. (I removed the
phone numbers and address, but left the poster's name since he deserves
the credit for this.)
You are a great C/UNIX hacker, but you're ashamed to admit that you
still use 1960's-era software development tools here in the Mecca of
super-genius computer science. Your devotion to a subset of MULTICS
may ear you jeers on the 7th floor, but it can also earn you up to
$10,000 and a free trip to Paris on September 14th.
I've got a pile (70,000 lines that compiles to 0.75 Mbytes) of C code
written by some university weenies in Buffalo. It constitutes a
fairly winning 3D modelling system for designers and architects.
There is even a comprehensive luser's manual.
A mysterious person in Switzerland wants to flog this software
worldwide. Before it can be sold to millions of adoring fans, it
needs to be polished up, i.e. fixed and extended. In particular, some
guys in Paris want to look at the thing work on September 14th before
parting with some serious money.
Your task is to work 80 hours/week between now and September 14th.
You'll have a Sun 3 or 4 located in a scenic Kendall Square warehouse
and all the Vivarin you can Stomach. You might actually learn
something about solid modelling and CAE systems. In particular, the
system seems to have a megawinning redisplay algorithm.
After you win totally on this hell-bent crusade to charm the
Parisians, there's a chance for consulting during the term at
outrageous industry rates.
Why am I, Philip Greenspun, famous nerd and 200 lb. guzzler of French
pastry, not doing this myself?
For openers, the worst week of my life was spent learning C and
programming an 8051 ($2 washing machine controller) to talk to an IBM
PC. After ten years hacking Lisp Machines, God had finally sent me a
machine commensurate with my abilities.
However, the main reason is that I am busy being president of a
startup company. Bankrupting a business is not as easy as it looks.
Corporations exhibit a propensity for mediocrity that inhibits true
success or failure. Alas, I'll be listening to creditors threaten to
"punch [my] f...king face in" (yes, that's a quote) rather than
munching bonbons with friendly Frenchwomen.
If you are interested, immediately call me at [] or FAX a
resume to []. You can mail a resume to
Philip Greenspun
Head Pimp
[...]
english.49dejanr,
A woman walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a tattoo
of Elvis on the inside of her thigh. "But it had better be a good one
or I won't pay you", she tell the artist.
"Lady", the artist replies,"I do an excellent Elvis."
1/2 an hour later the tattooist is done.
The woman looks at the tattoo and says "That looks nothing like Elvis"
The Artist disagrees, but offers to try again on the inside of her other
thigh. The woman agrees and 1/2 an hour later she has another Elvis tattoo.
But she ddoesn't like this one either. The tattooist says,"Look I've done
2 good pictures of Elvis and I'll prove it to you. I'll go out on the street
and get someone else to come in here and look and if he doesn't think its
Elvis then you don't have to pay."
The man goes out and grabs the first drunk he sees and brings him inside.
"Look at this woman and tell me who the guy tattooed on her thighs is"
"Well, I don't know how those 2 fellows on the sides are, but that guy in the
middle looks just like Willie Nelson."
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
// I am Lono!! // The opinions you express may not necessarily be //
// // my own. //
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
english.50dejanr,
>From the June, 1988 issue of "Discover"....
...Among science students Caltech is the capital of retaliation. A
particularly satisfying incident in the early 1970's involved a math
professor who annoyed students by his mechanical, predictable
approach to teaching - his lecture notes were straight from his
book. One student got hold of a device that changed the normal
frequency in an electrical outlet to any desired value. He plugged
the classroom clock into it and, over serveral weeks, upped the
speed -first by 10 percent, then 12.5 percent, then 15 percent.
Each day the frazzled professor raced through the tried-and-true
lecture faster and faster, until finally he was reduced to
fast-forward gibberish.
----------------------------------------------------
A quote from 1988 SF Chronical--
"...the automated office is still in its infancy. More IBM Selectric
typewriters are stolen in a year than word processing computers sold..."
----------------------------------------------------
Quote from a 1988 "Intel Solutions" -
"Intel's own Board of Directors could not agree on whether to proceed with the
commercial sale of the 4004. Their resistance was underscored by the company's
marketing department which, based on the belief that microprocessors would only
be sold as minicomputer replacements, initially estimated the entire world-wide
market at only a few thousand units per year."
----------------------------------------------------
>From the column, "Skeptical Eye," in DISCOVER magazine, January 1982.
Not to mention the classic: Counting in octal is just like counting in
decimal, if you don't use your thumbs. -Tom Lehrer
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal if you are all thumbs.
-Glaser and Way
----------------------------------------------------
english.51dejanr,
USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW
WHEN IN IRAQ
Akbar khali-kili haftir lotfan.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
Fekr gabul cardan davat paeh gush divar.
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie
down on the floor with my arms above my head and legs
apart.
Shomaeh fem tamomeh oeh gofteh bandeh.
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in
your life.
Auto arraregh davateman mano sepaheh-hast.
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in
the trunk of your car.
Fashal-eh tupehman na degat mano goftam cheeshayeh mohema
rajebehkesvarehman.
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital
appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my
country in public.
Khrel, jepaheh maneh va jayeh amerikahey.
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American
spies travelling as reporters.
Balli, balli, balli.
Whatever you say.
Martenier ghermez ahlieh, ghorban.
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
Tikeh nuneh ba ob khrelleh bezorg va khrube boyast ind
begeram.
The water soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you.
I must have the recipe.
Enjoy!!! PS I didn't write this and don't know who did.
--
Eron
-----------------
! The Jokester !
!---------------!
english.52dejanr,
A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the guys
gets out and goes into the office.
"I need some four-by-two's," he says.
"You must mean two-by-four's" says the clerk.
The guy gets a kind of a blank stare and scratches his head. "Wait a minute,"
he says, "I'll go check."
He goes out to the truck. The window gets rolled down, and there's an animated
conversation. Finally the guy comes back in.
"Yeah," he says, "I meant two-by-fours."
"OK," says the clerk, "how long you want 'em?"
The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh . . . I guess I better go check," he
says.
He goes out to the truck, again. There's another animated conversation.
The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says, "we're building
a
house".
english.53dejanr,
Q: What do you call a sadistic Dentist who rides a motorcycle and wears
a black leather jacket?
A: The Leader of the Plaque
----------------------------------------------------
Q: Why didn't they tell jokes in Jonestown?
A: The punch lines were too long.
----------------------------------------------------
LIVE NOW THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF TIME TO BE DEAD LATER
----------------------------------------------------
ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL,
BUT SOME MUST BE SENT TO SIBERIA.
----------------------------------------------------
"What is the day which comes after Halloween when you have turkey?"
"Election day."
----------------------------------------------------
What would you call Santa's son if he became an elf?
A subordinate Claus.
----------------------------------------------------
What does Santa call his wife at tax time?
A dependent Claus.
----------------------------------------------------
Santa noticed that the elves weren't working as hard this year as last so
he told them that the elf who made the most toys could have his beautiful
daughter for one night. What did the elves call his daughter after that?
An incentive Claus.
----------------------------------------------------
I can't believe you are the result of millions of years of evolution.
----------------------------------------------------
SAW THIS ON THE BACK OF A VAN IN ROCHESTER;
CAUTION: BLIND MAN DRIVING
ON THE SIDE OF THE VAN (AFTER I PASSED IT TO CHECK OUT THE DRIVER)
ROCHESTER VENETIAN BLIND CO.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Groucho Marx:
I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"You can neither win nor lose if you don't run the race" --Bowie.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
----------------------------------------------------
A man doesn't become a failure until he is satisfied with being one.
----------------------------------------------------
One of the most common mistakes is to believe that others know more about
the problem than you do.
----------------------------------------------------
Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn't have
anything
to do with it.
---------------------------------------------------
english.54dejanr,
Saw this on a T shirt awhile back:
"Join the Marines, visit distant and exotic lands, meet new and interesting
peoples, then KILL them"
english.55dejanr,
A women described that one night, while she and her husband were making love,
she suddenly noticed something sticking in his ear. When she asked him what it
was he replied 'Be quiet! I'm listening to the cricket.'
*****
When in Melbourne for the filming of Stanley Kramer's 'On the Beach', actress
Ava Gardner thus described Melbourne:
'On the Beach' is a film about the end of the world and I couldn't think of a
better place to film it.
*****
Ernestine Hill (I have no idea who he is apart from this quote) has said that
over many decades the citizens of Darwin fell into two categories - those who
were paid to stay there and those who had no money to leave.
*****
It is understood that if a person has an IQ of less than 10, then they would
not even be able tie their shoelaces. This may explain why Australians wear
thongs.
(Poster's note:- In Australia a thong is a piece of footwear like a sandal,
except that there is only one strap running between the two inner toes and
across diagonally along the top of the foot and with no back ankle strap. This
is why this humble poster was at first confused with references to thongs in
rec.nude as a beach wear item.)
*****
The definition of an Australian poof is a guy who prefer girls to beer.
english.56dejanr,
What do you get when you cross a colored person and a Jewish Person???
A janitor that owns the building!!!
english.57dejanr,
Two bulls are standing in snow up to their shoulders. One turns to the other
and says "God damn its cold, I think I'm going back to the barn and slip into
a nice warm Jersey!!"
english.58dejanr,
Show me a man who does not engage in oral sex, aand I'll show you a man who's
wife/girlfriend I can take away!!
Remember if God had not meant for it to be eaten, he wouldn't have shaped it
like a taco.
english.59dejanr,
News Bulletin:
Men and Women are not alike.
Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conculsive
proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
topics, these facts have emerged:
RELATIONSHIPS:
First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers to
it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then
she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup
- at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted
you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and
I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's
always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You"
drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There
are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.
SEX:
Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her
place as part of the foreplay.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults.
Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each
other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely
work out.
HATS:
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
COMEDY:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching tele-
vision, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately,
the men will get very excited - they will laugh uproariously, and even
try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge.
The women will roll their eys and groan and wait it out.
HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch.
Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with
circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's"
and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when
she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
BATHROOMS:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy
and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and
buys these things.
A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon,
and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter,
his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverley
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
10-items-or-less lane.
GOING OUT:
When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.
When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready
to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on
her makeup...
SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then
slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic
bag from Saks. When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress
shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are
under her desk.
A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.
LEG WARMERS:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing
the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time
she wants.
A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the
Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...
GARAGES:
Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages,
they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.
MOVIES:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."
For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face
in "Public Enemy."
JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than
that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree
of the changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses,
a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an
expensive foreign sports car.
THE TELEPHONE:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone
to send short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home,
she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
LOW BLOWS:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television,
and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.
The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt."
The man doubles over and actually feels pain.
DIRECTIONS:
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop and
ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while
saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there," and,
"I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."
ADMITTING MISTAKES:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.
RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who
works out at the health club and dates only married women.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail...
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
NUDITY IN MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This
is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.
The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
This is another reason why men hate him.
DAVID LETTERMAN:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.
Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
CAMERAS:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state-
of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.
Women purchase Kodak Instamatics, and often produce better-looking shots.
POLITICS:
Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political
things such as voting.
Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up
and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for
them and cry on election night.
LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as
well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract
terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do
his laundry. Wehn he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to
the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.
WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."
Men talk about "the bachelor party."
CHEERLEADERS:
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.
Male cheerleaders are scary.
SOCKS:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have
pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of
11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older,
their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of
mens toys: miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and
blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots the serve cocktails on
command, video games, and anything that blinks, beeps and requires at
least six "D" batteries to operate.
PLANTS:
A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man will water the plants.
The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.
No one knows why this happens.
MUSTACHES:
Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
There are no women who look good with mustaches.
NICKNAMES:
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
english.60dejanr,
Heard in 86 on the radio (NPR):
A man who runs an ice-cream parlor in Bethesda MD received a phone call a
few days ago. The caller warned him that he would be robbed that evening,
but that the police had already been informed and would apprehend the thieves
as they left. The caller said that the man should therefore not panic, but
should simply give them the money, and wait for the police.
Sure enough, that evening, a robber appeared, demanded the money in the cash
register, and left. The man calmly gave it to him, waited for the police,
and then, after several minutes, sheepishly called the police to report the
theft.
----------------------------------------------------
LACK OF PLANNING ON YOUR PART
DOESN'T CONSITUTE AN EMERGENCY
ON MY PART.
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: On following the proper procedures ...
Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army
was captured on is way through the mountains. All were
courtmartialed and shot, except Hildago, because he was a
priest. He was handed over to the bishop of Durango who
excommunicated him and returned him to the army where he
was then executed.
----------------------------------------------------
Police in Miami arrested two men who appeared to be engaged in a drug
transaction. But the dealer had sold the buyer phony cocaine -- which
was paid for in counterfeit money....
...Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, may have violated the rights of a
suspect by attaching a metal colander to his head and connecting the
colander to an office photocopier with metal wires. A message reading
"HE'S LYING" was placed in the copying machine. Each time the interrogators
got an answer they didn't trust, they pushed the copy button -- and out
would come the message. Convinced the jerry-rigged polygraph was accurate,
the suspect confessed.
----------------------------------------------------
english.61dejanr,
In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked
if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven
percent responded that they did.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Quote for the Day -- On being Well Rounded
"And every spring, a new graduating class enters the workforce. Some have
a well-rounded view of operating systems, but for many there is only Unix."
- Gord Campbell, InfoAge editorial, Nov 84
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From Harper's Magazine:
Amount of pizza eaten each day in U.S. (acres): 75
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Found on the seal of a bag of bagels:
NEW
IMPROVED
Made the old
fashioned way
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Sign in a restaurant:
"We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe
vibration in flight. The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and
switched on the seat belt sign. The vibration stopped immediately.
A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in
place inside.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
NOBODY EVER HAD A RAINBOW WITHOUT A LITTLE RAIN
-----------------------------------------------------------------
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
Dear Sir,
I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the
home or to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon
us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only
result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in
turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
agricultural industry.
----------------------------------------------------
Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges
in dealing with people. When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed,
"No Tickets?" What do you mean NO TICKETS?" the women waiting on him smiled
sweeting. "I'm terribly sorry, sir," she replied. "Which word didn't you
understand?"
----------------------------------------------------
One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.
Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received
the following note:
"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we
were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."
----------------------------------------------------
One women is never happy when she has to wait in line, and people who
try to squeeze in front are a special sore point.
One day a young man at the supermarket stepped up to her just as she
reached the checkout counter. "Mind if I go ahead?" he asked. "I just have
this one can of dog food."
"Goodness, no," she roared, "If you're that hungry, go right ahead!"
english.62dejanr,
The aging head of a secluded Monastary decides he will take a walk into the
nearby town for the first time in 30 years. As he's walking down the street
he passes a hooker on a corner who says "Hey twenty dollars for a quicky".
Confused, he walks past another corner and another hooker says "Hey padre,
twenty dollars for a quicky". He has no idea whats going on, so he returns to
the monastary and calls the Mother Superior to his office and asks her "Whats
a quicky?" She replys "Twenty dollars, same as in town".
RAMBOB
english.63dejanr,
"I find television very educating.
Every time somebody turns on the set,
I go into the other room and read a book."
--Groucho Marx
1890-1977
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck
stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises. After several days the
phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush.
The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being returned
upon completion of each call.
A repairman arrived within the hour !!
----------------------------------------------------
The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as
the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate. At one point
she wailed "Oh no, NOW what do I do ? It just rang up sixty-four thousand,
five hundered seventy four dollars in sales tax on a ten-dollar sale !"
Suprisingly,
the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay. Some even
chuckled sympathetically. It wasn't until I got near the front of the line
that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the register: WE ARE
CURRENTLY DOING BATTLE WITH OUR NEW COMPUTER FOR CONTROL OF THE STORE---WE
APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Said at an atheist funeral.
Here lies an atheist, all dressed up and nowhere to go.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Broadcast blooper of the week
Heard on KABC radio:
"This program was brought to you by the Canadian Government Office of
Terrorism...er, Tourism"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
According to a recent government publication ...
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
english.64dejanr,
>From the book "I Think Therefore I Laugh" by John Allen Paulos:
-------------------------------------
Martha: What did you get for the density of the block, George?
George: Well, it weighed about 17 pounds, and had a volume of about 29 cubic
feet, so I guess the density is .58620689551 pounds per cubic foot. This
calculator is really swell!
-------------------------------------
A man, who not being certain of an item he reads in the newspaper, buys 100
copies of the paper to reassure himself of its truth.
-------------------------------------
New release: Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the
waiting time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
rate there will soon be a one year wait to get an abortion.
-------------------------------------
A statistician refuses to fly after reading the alarmingly high probability
that there will be a bomb on any given plane. Later he finds that the
probability
of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. Now whenever he
flies, he always carries one bomb with him.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
english.65dejanr,
OKLAHOMA CITY- Dennis Newton is no Perry Mason.
Newton, 47, was on trial for armed robbery Tuesday when he decided to fire
his lawyer and represent himself.
Assistand District Attorney Larry Jones says Newton did just fine until the
store's manager testified he was the robber.
Newton accused her of lying, and accidently said "I should have blown
your...............head off". He quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was
there."
It only took the jury 20 minutes to convict him. The recommended
sentence...... 30 years.
----------------------------------------------------
I just heard about a group of US tourists who came back from the Soviet Union.
They visited Lenin's Tomb, which is one of the most important monuments in
the Kremlin. Altough the line was long, the foreigners were allowed to go
to the front of the line. As they were allowed to enter, one 20 year old
woman was not allowed to go in because she wore a short sleeved blouse.
(It was in the summer) She couldn't figure out why such a rule existed.
Later on, she asked her travel guide about the rule, and was told that the
Soviet constitution does not guarantee the right to bare arms.
----------------------------------------------------
Some from the 8th annual Ten-Best Stressed Puns competition:
A man discovered that a blood vessel on his wife's forehead would enlarge
as the barometric pressure fell. He learned soon to predict rainstorms by
observing her weather vein.
---
During a dark night in Killarney, a group of American tourists huddled in
Durty Nellie's pub. A local Irishman sidled up to one of them and proposed
a scheme to sell a cure for leprosy. "I'm sorry", the American said, stiffly.
"I'm not Irish. I don't believe in leper cons."
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: Natural language research in Antarctica
>From the Wall Street Journal, Dec. 10, 1985
"Antarctic Life Proves Hard Even for Those Who Love Their Work"
... How boring is life in the Antarctic? People in one group wintering at the
South Pole in the 1960s watched the film "Cat Ballou" 87 times. People in
another, after tiring of the westerns, Disney features and pornographics films
on hand, spliced the movies together into their own production and adopted a
vocabulary based on their creation that was so strange that relief crews
arriving in the spring could barely understand them.
...
english.66dejanr,
HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT'S GOING
TO BE A ROTTEN DAY
You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a
group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your
business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
Your income tax check bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your pet rock snaps at you.
Your wife says "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
Author Unknown ... But Troubled
----------------------
Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and
the instruction afterward.
english.67dejanr,
Old News?
>From "American Anecdotes, Original and Select," Boston 1830:
Timothy Dexter, a native of Newburyport, Massachusetts, inquired of some
merchants, whom he knew, how he should dispose of a few hundred dollars.
Willing to hoax him, they answered, "Why, buy a cargo of warming-pans and
send them to the West Indies, to be sure." He bought all the warming-pans
he could find and sent them to a climate where there was every reason to
suppose that ice would be far more acceptable. The warming-pans met with
a rapid sale; the tops being used for strainers and the lower part for dippers,
in the manufacture of molasses.
With the proceeds of this profitable cargo he built a vessel; and being
informed
by the carpenter that wales [i.e., boards] were wanting, he called on an
acquaintance and said, "My head workman sends me word that he wants wales
for the vessel. What does he mean?" "Why, whale bones, to be sure," answered
the man, who, like everybody else, was willing to impose on his stupidity.
Whale bones were accordingly bought; but finding Boston could not furnish
enough, he emptied New York and Philadelphia as well. The ship carpenters,
of course, had a hearty laugh at his expense; but, by a singular turn of
fortune, this blunder also was the means of increasing his wealth. It soon
after became fashionable for ladies to wear stays completely lined with
whalebone;
and as none was to be found in the country, it brought an immense price.
Thus his coffers were filled a second time by his odd speculations.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Sacramento Daily Union of Nov 17, 1860.
News What is News
We find the following announcement in a St Louis paper:
A party of gentlemen in Sacramento, California, have been for some time
secretly
experimenting in diamond making. The last mail informs us that the whole
affair blew up, nearly killing J W Underwood, one of the enthusiasts.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Sacramento Daily Union Dec 30, 1860
The French Railway companies have made a new regulation, whereby every
passenger
is weighed and charged accordingly.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Sacramento Daily Union of November 29, 1861
Too Late - A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday
by the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate
in the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day
after the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Sacramento Daily Union of July 2, 1861
A Hen Brooding Kittens
A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county, a few
days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three kittens!
The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring says
the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that she
has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young felines
are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at her
cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings. Petaluma
Journal
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Sacramento Daily Union of October 31, 1861
Accident in Santa Cruz
At this place, August 15th, William D Farrand was shot in the thigh by the
accidental discharge of his pistol while he was in the act of putting it
in his pocket. The wound is severe.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Sacramento Daily Union for September 13, 1860
A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Sacramento Daily Union for September 11, 1861.
Climate and Surgery
R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who received
a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at the time
could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the day before
- walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be riddled with
bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially recommend our
Sacramento
climate and Sacramento surgery.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Sacramento Daily Union of September 19, 1861
Born Again
The two Albino children now exhibiting in this city are represented to have
been born in Monterey county, of California Indian parents. When they were
exhibited here some five or six months ago they were represented to be natives
of Cuba, and of Cuban parents. It is a scriptural requisition that we all
be "born again;" but this being born in an entirely different and remote
locality, is the exercise of a license never contemplated or provided for
in scriptural times, so far as we are advised.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Nevada Morning Transcript of January 30, 1861
A New Way of Taking Pills
A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and having
no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with small,
hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks will go
far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Nevada Morning Transcript of February 15, 1861
"Heroine" is perhaps as peculiar a word as any in our language; the two
first letters of it are a male, the three first a female, the four first
a brave man, and the whole word a brave woman.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
english.68dejanr,
This reminds me of (probably came from) a rather famous quote of
Churchill's. He was at a party, and had tied one on
[corrected version]
"Sir, you are drunk"
"And you, Madam, are ugly. But in the morning *I* shall be sober"
OK, if you like vintage Churchill jokes, here's another that's still
told in political circles (well, I heard it from an MP):
One day when Atlee went into the 'Gents' at the House of Commons,
Churchill was already there using the facilities. When Churchill saw
Atlee come in, he turned away to conceal himself. Atlee said "Really,
Winston, I'm suprised that an ex-Prime Minister should be so shy.
You must have something to hide." "Not at all", said Churchill,
"it's just that whenever you Socialists see something that's big and in
perfect working order you want to nationalise it!".
Regards, "None shall be enslaved by poverty, ignorance or conformity"
David Wright STL, London Road, Harlow, Essex CM17 9NA, UK
english.69dejanr,
I haven't seen any Steven Wright jokes in a while, so here is a list of bits
and pieces I collected over the last few months. Anybody watching the HBO
special they are advertising on regular TV? I don't have cable, so maybe
someone can post some of his stuff from that show.
Here goes:
----------
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay down in front of the fire for the
evening in eight minutes.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and
four people died.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means it's going
to be up all night.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Having sex with Rachel (his girlfriend) is amazing. It's like going to a
concert -- she yells a lot and throws Frisbees around the room. When she wants
more, she lights a match. We were way up in Canada, hiking and camping and
stuff. I don't know how she did it, but somehow Rachel got poison ivy on her
brain. The only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.
I like my dental hygienist. I think she's very pretty. So whenever I go to
get my teeth cleaned, while I'm in the waiting room, I eat an entire box of
Oreo cookies.
I went to a place to eat that said 'breakfast anytime.' So I ordered French
toast during the renaissance.
If you were in a vehicle and you were traveling at the speed of light and then
you turned your lights on -- would they do anything?
I bought some powdered water. But I don't know what to add.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
The other day is stuck my car key in my front door by accident, and my house
started up. So I decided it to take it for a ride. A cop pulled me over for
speeding. He asked me where I live. I said "Right here.".
I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking his keys
in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a
child.
When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well. I said,
"no, I made a few mistakes."
I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. People ask me where I
live, and I say, "E6". In the corner on the legend it says "1 mile equals
1 mile".
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
What's another word for Thesaurus?
"Yesterday, I..... No, that wasn't me..."
I wrote a song but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.
If it's a penny for your thoughts, and you put your $.02 in, somewhere
someone is making a penny.
I sat next to a blond Chinese girl on the bus who said she was a nymphomaniac
attracted to Jewish cowboys. I said, "Hi, I'm Bucky Goldstein."
I once got caught copying an exam in the back of the class....
I guess the teacher must have heard the Xerox Machine.
I once put Instant Coffee in a Microwave and almost went back in time.
I have masking tape across my mirrors so I don't get sucked into an
alternate dimension.
I just bought a decaffeinated coffee table. You can't even tell by looking
at it.
I used to work as a parking attendent at logan airport. I parked jets, but I
was fired. I kept locking the keys in them. I had to get them out using a
coat hanger and an 82-foot step-ladder.
When I bought my house there was an electric switch that didn't seem to connect
to anything. So, every once in a while I'd flick it up and down. A couple of
months later I got a letter from a little old lady who lived in Germany,
saying, "Cut it out!".
I bought a house recently, it's on the median strip of a highway. Nice grassy
area. I like it. The only problem is when you leave the driveway, you've got
to be going 55 miles an hour.
The other day I was in court for a traffic ticket. I pleaded insanity. I
said, "Your Honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?".
I was stopped by the police the other day. The officer said to me, "Don't you
know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?". "Yes." I said, "But I wasn't
planning on being out that long.".
The other day I was thrown out of the theatre for bringing my own food. "The
prices here are outrageous." I screamed. "Besides, I haven't had a good
barbecue in a long time.".
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire
area was gone.
I was walking down the street the other day, and I saw a subliminal advertising
executive *just* for a second.
english.70dejanr,
Judge: Haven't I seen you before?
Man: Yes, your honor, I taught your daughter how to play the piano.
Judge: Thirty Years!
----------------------------------------------------
"My Uncle is in Leavanworth because he made big money."
"How much?"
"About a third of an inch too big."
----------------------------------------------------
Officer: Are you happy now that you are in the Army?
Soldier: Yes sir!
Officer: What were you before you got into the Army?
Soldier: Much happier!
----------------------------------------------------
The seven ages of a woman are:
Baby, child, girl, young woman, young woman, young
woman, and poised social leader!
----------------------------------------------------
A man is driving along a country road and his car breaks down.
He gets out, opens the hood and looks in confusion at the engine.
About this time a horse wanders up to a near-by fence, leans over and
peaks under the hood. The horse looks up at the man and says
"It's the carburetor."
The man does a quick double-take and replys,
"What did you say?"
"I said it's your carburetor."
So the man turns and runs away.
Soon he comes upon a farmer and flags him down.
"My car broke down back there and when I opened the hood this horse comes
over and starts TALKING to me!"
"What he say?" the farmer replies calmly.
"He said it was my carburetor!"
So the farmer says, "Don't pay any attention to him, he doesn't know
anything about carburetors."
-----------------------------
Experience is a dear teacher, but fools will learn at no other.
-- Poor Richard's Almanac
english.71dejanr,
A man who was really drunk calls his wife for a ride home
from the bar.
wife: "Where are you?"
The man steps out of the phonebooth and looks at the corner
where he is calling from, goes back and picks up the phone and says:
"At the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK."
----------------------------------------------------
Once there was a man who went all through college and decided he didn't
like it, so he dropped out to become a trolley car conductor...He loved
the trolley cars...he had loved them since he had been a child in San
Francisco...every day he would watch the trolley cars go up the hill and
down the hill; up the hill and down the hill...and he loved to watch
them...except when old people got on the trolley cars, because they used
to complain about the littlest (sic) things...as the man grew older he
developed a hatred of old people, while retaining his love of trolley
cars.
So it was no surprise that the man, upon dropping out of school, decided
to become a trolley car conductor...he spent his days going up the hill
and down the hill; up the hill and down the hill, ringing the trolley car
bell as he went...UNTIL...one day an old lady got on the trolley car and
demanded change for the money she had put in the vend-o-matic, even though
there was a sign clearly posting that the conductor did not make change...
the conductor refused to make change for her, and this infuriated the old
lady...at this point she began screaming at him and making such a scene
that he lost control and threw her out on the trolley car tracks and ran
over her...needless to say, he was arrested, tried, and found guilty...
He was sentenced to die in the electric chair, and when the warden came to
ask him what he wanted for his last meal, he responded "a dozen bananas".
The warden was a bit surprised at the request, but honored it and the man
promptly smashed up the bananas and smeared the juice all over his body...
He was then taken to the electric chair and strapped in...ZAP...the
executioner threw the switch, but the man lived...the executioner checked
all the connections and threw the switch again...the man still lived...
the executioner tried a third time, but the man still lived...now at this
time, the law stated that if you didn't die by the third time, it was an
act of God that you were still alive and you were released, so the man went
free...
He returned to his job at the trolley car...(go through the deaths of two
more old people and trials and bananas smashed on bodies and three tries
and man going free from electric chair)...after the man was set free for
the third time, the warden approached him..."Three times you've been
sentenced to die in the electric chair and three times, you've gone free...
tell me why...is it the banana juice that you smear all over your body
before going to the chair??"
The man thought for a moment, and then slowly replied, "No, I don't think
it's the bananas...I guess I'm just a bad conductor..."
----------------------------------------------------
english.72dejanr,
From the Sept. 1990 issue of Shooting Times magazine, page 23, without
permission:
This month's best dumb crook award has to go to a lobster thief.
This sticky-fingered shifty pocketed a couple of live lobsters and ran
from the store. One of the lobsters, however, got nervous when the man
started to run and clamped it's claws on the crooks's testicles.
When the police found him writhing in pain, he was trying to pry
the lobster's claw loose, but wasn't having much luck. A store clerk
with a pair of pliers quickly eased the thief's agony.
When the ambulance arrived, the man was in terrible pain and by
the time he reached the hospital, he had passed out. Surgeons spent
three hours trying to "repair the damage."
The store owner benevolently refused to press chsrges. "The poor
guy has had enough trouble for one day. Just thinking about what
happened to him makes me hurt."
english.73dejanr,
OFFENSIVE JOKE TO RELIGIOUS PEOPLE
Why can't Jesus eat M&M's?
They keep falling through the holes in his hands...
*POW*
Here are a couple of old computer jokes...
Did you hear that Eve was the mother of the computer revolution?
She had an apple in one hand and a wang in the other.
What do you get when you cross a computer with a prostitute?
A fu**ing know-it-all.
And, finally, one of my favorites...
Why can't Hellen Keller have children?
Because she's dead.
english.74dejanr,
This is all that I have. It appears that some people have a great distaste
for these jokes, but, considering that they are new to me, I think they're
kind of funny. Yes, I do know that these jokes are quite old.. but I'm not.
The Semi-Complete Canatonical List of Mommy, Mommy! Jokes
---------------------------------------------------------
son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't like Sis!
mom: Shut up, and keep eating!
son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't like running in circles!
mom: Shutup, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
son: Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy running away?
mom: Shut up, and help me reload the shotgun!
son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to go to England.
mom: Shut up and keep swimming.
son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to see daddy again.
mom: Shut up and keep digging.
son: Mommy, Mommy, I want to play with Grandpa now!
mom: Keep quiet, the coffin stays closed today!
son: Mommy, Mommy, I'd like to play marbles now!
mom: Keep quiet, you can't use Grandpa's glasseye today!
son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't like the crunchy stuff in my pea
soup!
mom: Keep quiet and eat what is on the table or do you think
I pour Grandpa's vomit through a sieve?
son: Mommy, Mommy, I wanted to lick the bowl this time.
mom: Shaddup and flush.
son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't know how to play poker.
mom: Shaddup and deal.
son: Mommy, Mommy, can I wear a bra now? I'm 16..
mom: Shut up Albert....
son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't like this spaghetti!
mom: Shutup or I'll rip the veins outta yer other arm!!!
son: Mummy, Mummy, Sally won't come skipping with me.
mom: Don't be cruel dear, you know it makes her stumps bleed.
son: Mummy, Mummy, what's for dinner?
mom: Shut up and get back in the oven.
son: Mommy, Mommy, why do other kids tell me I have a big
head?
mom: Don't worry. Take your cap and go get me 40 lbs of
potatoes at the store.
son: Mommy, Mommy, why do other kids tell me I have a long
nose?
mom: You don't, but lift your head up or you'll scrape the
floor.
son: Mommy, Mommy, what's a vampire?
mom: Shut up, kid, and drink your soup before it clots!
son: Mommy, Mommy, what's a werewolf?
mom: Shut up, kid, and go comb your face
son: Mommy, mommy, are you sure this is how to learn to swim?
mom: Shut up and get back in the sack!
son: Mommy, Mommy, Why has daddy got his Knob in the bread
bin?
mom: Ignore him son, He's fucking crackers!
son: Mommy, Mommy! How come sis gets to watch TV and I can't?
mom: Shutup or I'll cut your ears off too!
son: Mommy, mommy, I don't want any more hamburger!
mom: Shut up and stick your arms back into the meat grinder.
son: Mummy, Mummy, I don't like grandma.
mom: Well leave her on the side of your plate then.
son: Mommy, Mommy, Auntie threw up and Sis is getting all of
the BIG pieces!
son: Mommy, Mommy, don't push to the elevator
shAAAAAAAFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTT!
son: Mommy, Mommy, are you sure this is the right way to cook
Beijing Duck?"
mom: Shuddup and close the microvawe oven door behind you!
son: Mommy, mommy, what's a nymphomaniac?
mom: Shut up kid and help me get granny off the doorknob.
son: Mummy, mummy, what's an orgasm?
mom: I don't know dear, ask your father.
daughter: Daddy daddy what is queer?
dad: Shuddap and unhook my bra.
daughter: Mommy, Mommy! Why don't I have a big thing like
Daddy's between my legs?
mom: You will when you're older, dear!
- Mommy! Mommy! I don't wanna see grandpa!
- Shut up, and keep digging.
- Mommy Mommy! I'm getting dizzy!
- Shutup, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
- Mommy Mommy! I hate daddy!
- Shaddup, and keep eating.
- Did you hear about the new german microwave?
- It seats 6.
Now, I know that this cannot be all of them, considering how some have grumped
about the age of these jokes. So, if anyone can think of any others, please
post them!
english.75dejanr,
It is a well know fact that;
as the limit of brains mutliplied by beauty approaches infinity, availability
approaches zero.
This has been proved time and time again, and is also backed up by another
theory:
Brains is inversely proportional to beauty.
Which shows that there isn't a snow balls hope in Hell that you will find
a beatiful female with brains.
But I am not your usual male, I have managed to find 3 beautiful young women
and they all have brains.
From
ULTRAMAN.
english.76dejanr,
why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?
he slipped.
why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
monkey see, monkey do.
why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
peer pressure.
english.77dejanr,
American beer is like making love in a canoe.
(It is fucking close to water.)
english.78dejanr,
===========================
>Q: What exactly is Jewish language??
>A: If I put Hebrew instead of "Jewish language" in that joke, it's harder to
> understand. The easier a joke is to understand, the funnier it is.
Oh.. So that explains everything...
OBJOKE: a Sri-Lankan version of a popular joke (thanks Gihan)
Background: Some time ago, India sent its army to Sri Lanka supposedly to
protect the Tamil people and supposedly at the invitation of SL Govt. They
numbered ~50,000 at the peak of the "invasion" and pulled out after suffering
heavy losses.
So there is this three fellows traveling on a train in Sri Lanka. One guy
pulls out a bottle of scotch, takes a sip and throws the rest away complaining
that they don't make good scotch as they used to. Needless to say, others are
dismayed at this and asks why he threw away such an expensive bottle of
liquor. He replies saying that he s from Britain and that theres plenty of
scotch there.
Not to be out done, the second guy pulls out a bar of cheese, (cheese
is expensive in SL) nibbles it and throws the rest away saying that its no
good. He explains his actions saying that he from America and that there's
plenty of cheese there.
After some time, the first two guys ask the third, his country of
origin. He replies "I'm from India".
===========================
I have had a few questions E-Mailed to me, that I haven't had time to answer
yet because of all the "fan" mail I've been getting. I thought I'd do it in
the public forum.
Q: Whatzaknat?
A: A knat is a little flying insect that is identical to a gnat. Hey, I'm a
EE if I could spell, they might promote me.
Q: Did you know that Jack Daniels is bourbon, not scotch?
A: No, I drink beer and tequila. Sorry for the Liquor boo-boo. Hey that
reminds
me of a joke. How do the French women hold their "liquor"???
By the ears!!
Q: What exactly is Jewish language??
A: If I put Hebrew instead of "Jewish language" in that joke, it's harder to
understand. The easier a joke is to understand, the funnier it is.
Q: How much did you pay Fleischer to write that article about you (ENZOBO) ???
A: This will amaze you, but this guys office has been less than fifty feet
from
mine for lord knows how long. I have never met him, spoken to him, I don't
even know what he looks like and I have never heard his name spoken in 6
years at this job. He seems to have learned about me, because he sits near
a few people I converse with regularly. That article was a complete shock
coming from him.
Q: Hey Rambob, what city do you connect to the net at??
A: I program firmware for a company near Cleveland, Ohio.
Q: How long have you been stealing jokes from Andrew Dice Clay and his album
(DICE)?
A: I admit to stealing jokes from just about everyone else, but in all honesty
I have never heard of this dude.
Q: Why do you post jokes that are so offensive, to so many groups??
A: These are jokes that I hear around where I work and play. They are a cross
section of American humor and if the only place you hear this type of humor
is on rec.humor, you lead a sheltered life. I don't target any specific
group for my jokes and do not want to humiliate anyone. I only want to make
you people LAUGH, not a giggle, not a polite laugh, but an all out belly
laugh the comes from the depths of your souls. Putting the amount of
material I post on rec.humor is not easy, but I think you jokesters out
there are worth it.
===========================
A man dies and goes to heaven. He is being guided around heaven by St. Peter
who explains to the man that heaven is a series of huge rooms, with all the
people of a certain religion, all staying in the same room. As they pass a
door to one of these rooms, St. Peter explains "In this room are all the
Protestants". They pass another and Peter says "And in this room are all of
the Catholics". This goes on a while until they reach the last door, where
Peter puts his finger to his mouth and says "Shhhhh. Be very, very quiet when
you walk by this last door, All of the Baptists are in there, and they think
they're the only ones up here."
===========================
Sirs,
As is well known, Mozart died before completing the entire score of his
last work, Requiem. Completion of the work was done by Sussmayr in
1793, but there has always been question of how Mozart himself would
have finished the work. Luckily, a copy of Mozart's score was found
recently in our basement that details the completed score. We present
it here in its entirety.
(NOTE: Apparently, the Requiem was not written for the wife of Count
Walsegg-Stuppach as previously thought, but for one Count Wilhelm the
Bloated (also known as Wilhelm the Stenchmeister) after he was run-down
in the street by Mozart's horse while he was strolling with his wife,
Eva the Obscenely Fat. The couple were well known in Austria for their
ability to break prolonged wind, stink up even the roomiest concert
halls, and consume massive amounts of other people's food. Wilhelm died
in 1792, and not a moment too soon for most people.)
I. Introitus:
Oh God, we entrust this poor bastard to you
Because none of us want him hanging here around any longer
Least of which, me, as he has bummed many ducats from my purse
And never paid them back -- the great fucking sot!
Please let him rot in Hell for eternity for this.
II. Introitus Interruptus
Oh yes!
OH YES!
OH GOD THIS IS GREAT!
OH YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!!!
MORE!
Ah Ah AH! AH!! AH!!!
YES! YES! I'M GOING TO . . .
COME BACK HERE!
GOTT-EN-HIMMEL!
COME BACK HERE!
I'M NOT DONE YET!
COME --
Damn.
Fucking sheep . . .
III. Appologem
Oh Lord, close the Pearly Gates,
Because here comes a right bastard.
I'm sorry that he's coming your way,
But it can't be helped.
Had he not waddled his fat ass in front of my horse
He might still be with us
And not stinking up Paradise
But he did,
And he isn't,
And he is,
So there.
I'm also sorry about the bit of naughtiness with the Berlin All
Prepubescent Girl's Choir.
I'm also also sorry about carving "Wagner Sucks Shit!" in the fat
backside of that lad from the Vienna Boy's Choir.
I've already apologized to Herr Wagner for this.
Forgive me these trespasses,
But Salieri's done much worse.
Much MUCH worse.
In fact, he's been a total sot.
See to it that he rots in Hell too.
Next slime on an almost new Star Trek -- The Next Generation . . .
--------------------------------
Wesley tests positive for DRUGS!
Wesley: I never!
Picquard: It says here you tested positive for amphetamines, LSD,
cocaine, psilocybin, morphine, barbiturates, bufotoxin, thorazine,
methedrone, ritalin, benzedrine, adrenochrome . . .
Wesley: But it doesn't say anything about pot!
Picquard: . . . and POT! So much so, in fact, that three interns were
caught smoking your urine. And they were quite fucked up, according to
Doctor Crusher!
Wesley: Killer!
Picquard: You're dismissed from your station! You will either be flushed
into space or sit in the same room with Pat Buchanan while he explains
the positive contributions that Richard Nixon gave to democracy.
Wes: SHRRRRIIIIEEEEK! SPACE!! SPACE!! FLUSH ME OUT INTO SPACE!!!!!! (wail!)
(blubber!)
Picquard: Wail? Blubber?
Wes: WHALE BLUBBER! It'sa JOKE! Don'tcha git it, son?! What are ya, ah
say what are ya, DENSE?! Now where's that cotton-pickin' dog gone to
now? AW-LA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-LA-LA AW-DO-DAH! DO-DAW!
Yes kids -- poor Wesley has fallen victim to drugs and now thinks he's
Foghorn Leghorn. This happens to millions of kids on a daily basis. God
it's horrible! Just look what drugs did to some of these famous people. . .
W. Churchill -- "Let them say that this, ah say this, was their finest hour!
J. Kennedy -- "So I say with pride Ich Ien Berlineer. Ahh Do-DAH! Do-DAH!"
There's thousands more examples like these, but laws pertaining to the
honesty of claims made during a broadcast forbids us from showing them.
So remember kids, if you know someone doing drugs, be it your best
friend, or your parents, or even your grandparents, just put a .45 to
their head and end their miserable existence.
Thank you
(cue National Anthem and films of A-10's blowing up tanks)
This message paid for by the William Bennet/Lyndon LaRuche/Pat-The-Fat-
Fucking-Goose-Stepping-Swine-Buchanan Fund for Drug Education. Helping make
the world safe for right wing, neo-nazi scum for the last 20 years.
(see if there's any way around that part.)
This is PBS -- TV worth watching!
THAT'S RIGHT! It IS TV worth WATCHING! And how much is it WORTH to YOU?!
Y'know Big Brother ain't coughin' up the bucks for Masterpiece Theater
anymore! We gotta depend on cheapskates like YOU to keep these fine programs
on the air!
Now we got a favorite from Sesame Street here. It's our old friend Big Bird.
AND I'M GONNA WASTE THE FUCKER IF WE DON'T START GETTING SOME GODDAMN
PLEDGES IN HERE NOW!!! $300 bucks and I let the bird live! Otherwise there's
gonna be brains and feathers everywhere! . . . No takers? BYE-BYE BIRDY!
[BANG!]
[THUD!]
Oh look who we have HERE! It's Fred Rogers of Mister Roger's
Neighborhood! HE'S DEAD-FUCKING-MEAT IF I DON'T HEAR A PLEDGE FOR $250! I
don't hear them goddamn PHONES! Can you say EXIT WOUND, Freddy?! I'LL BET
YOU CAN!
[BANG!]
[THUD!]
Carl Sagan probably has the best mind in America today. AND IT'S GONNA
BE SPREAD ACROSS THE BACK OF THE STUDIO IF YOU FUCKERS DON'T START FORKIN'
OVER THE CASH! I ain't hearin' the pledges for BILLIONS and BILLIONS, you
assholes! You're goin' on a little journey there Carl . . .
[BANG!]
[THUD!]
Probably the best loved actors of the Doctor Who series is Tom Baker.
I'M GONNA SEND THIS FUCKER BACK TO BRITAIN IN A BODY-BAG UNLESS ONE OF YOU
CHINTZY BASTARDS STARTS SHELLING OUT! I don't see that pledge total going up!
[RIIIIING!]
Hello? What? A THOUSAND DOLLARS!? Okay, I'll let him live. Thank you for
your pledge, and your $1000 Club membership prize, the lovely box of
thumbtacks, is coming in the mail.
[CLICK]
Well, that ends this pledge break. We now return to Reading Rainbow.
Now on KVIE Channel 6:
READING RAINBOW!
----------------
With the esteemed Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
(who has promised not to swear)
(much)
So people ask me,
"Hey Hunter -- how do ya pick up chicks?"
By the asshole!
Listen, I wanna talk about that fat swine, Buchan- WAIT A MINUTE! HEY!
LEGGO! WE HAD AN AGREEMENT!! LEGGO GODDAMNIT! I'M A FAMOUS DOCTOR OF FUCKIN'
JOURNALISM, YOU ACID-CRAZED SACKS OF PUS!!! FUCKING PUBLIC TELEVISION HAS NO
BALLS ANYMORE! COME ON, LEGGO! I BETTER GET A CHECK, YOU BASTARDS! I --
[SLAM!]
Now on KVIE Channel 6:
READING RAINBOW!
----------------
With the esteemed LeVar Burton
(Who would never even DREAM of saying any of those awful things that nasty
Dr. Thompson said, lest he lose the "Next Generation" gig.)
(much)
So a friend asks me,
"Hey Geordy -- how do you pick up space chicks?"
"Simple Wesley," I said. "By the asshole!"
I wanna talk about that fat swine, Buchan- GIT OFF ME! HEY! GIMME THE
GODDAMN VISOR BACK! YOU TREACHEROUS BASTARDS! GIMME THE FUCKIN' VISOR! COME
BACK HERE! DATA?! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?! Wes? Will? Beverly? ANYBODY?!
HELLLL-LO! Anyone there?! Damn, I feel like Ray Charles . . .
Seven Reasons Why You Shouldn't Buy Things From Door-to-Door Salesmen
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[Knock-Knock] [Knock-Knock]
[click]
[creeeak]
Old crone: 'ullo?
Salesman: 'ello Graham! I'm a door-to-door salesman.
OC: Go away!
SM: Did you know there are seven reasons you shouldn't buy things from door-
to-door salesmen?
OC: I don't care!
SM: Well these are seven VERY important reasons, Mum.
OC: Shove off!
SM: More than most people realize!
OC: What are these reasons, then?
SM: Well, you have to buy this 'ere book to find out.
OC: 'ere! That's a cheat! I'm not buyin' that!
SM: You'll never know the reasons then . . .
OC: I 'adn't thought of that. Let me 'ear one of them.
SM: Well . . . they might not be British salesmen. They might be French!
OC: THE BASTARDS!
SM: Yus Mum! Boozey Frenchmen wot come across the Channel with their cheese
and wine and froggy ideas about mans' place in the universe, spreadin'
filth and going on and on and on about Marcell Marso and Jock Crewsto and
not really knowing anything about bombing peaceful vessels anchored in
neutral waters . . .
OC: Worse than Communists!
SM: Much worse, Mum!
OC: Worse than Germans?
SM: Not by a fucking longshot.
OC: YOU might be French!
SM: Oui' . . .
OC: WOT!??
SM: Nothing, Mum.
OC: You just spoke FRENCH!
SM: No no! I'm sure you are mistaken, Madame . . .
OC: YOU DID IT AGAIN!
SM: No such thing . . .
OC: YOU ARE FRENCH!
SM: Ssssssssssh!
OC: GREAT FROGGY ALERT, GIRLS!
The woman downstairs: Give 'im Plan 9, Gladys!
OC: Right-ho! HEAVE!
[picks up hapless froggy and chucks him down 18 flights of stairs.]
OC: TAKE THAT YOU SWINE!
[slams door]
YES! Another victory over the French! This one was by Mrs. Gunshotwound in
Bournsmouth, but you could be our next home-town hero by flattening
offending froggies whereever they may hide! Here's how you can help!
REMEMBER:
1) Stay away from Quebec!
2) Avoid wine -- drink plenty of Bass & COs. Pale Ale.
3) Occasional masturbation is not a sign of mental weakness.
4) The French are very dim. Lure them into alleys with stinking hunks of
goat cheese and bludgeon them senseless.
5) Should you encounter an explosives laden froggy, remind him you are not a
Greenpeace vessel and he'll slink away.
6) Never let a frenchy feel your genitals.
Just remember those simple facts and you'll help keep England forever French
free!
(Cue: God Save the Queen)
(fade)
And now on BBC 2:
The Voice of America News.
-------------------------
Pre-sented this eve-en-ning by the Right Honorable Justice Ken P. Conartist.
[slightly dotty, over-blown male's voice.): Good evening all you Limeys out
there. This is Mr. Apricot . . . CONARTIST! speaking to you tonight on the
Voice of America. We are here to inform you, the British listener, that all
those lies you hear about America just aren't true. There are many well made
American cars. Reagan did many things RIGHT during his presidency, too! And
gangs of insane youth toting automatic weapons do not roam the streets of
our larger cities randomly shooting people. Much. Furthermore . . .
[* c-r-a-c-k-! *]
[WAH-BOOOOHMPH! -thud!-]
[* C-R-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-C-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-L-L-L-L-L-E-E-E-E!! *]
[control room voice]: Oh Christ, what's happened to 'im now?
[floor manager]: Hit by lightening! Kilt 'im dead!
CM: That's THREE in the last bloody week!
FM: What's doin' it, then?
Announcer: "What's doin' it?", indeed! Why, it's the . . .
-*- N E W -*-
W R A T H
O'
G O D
Personal Protection Substance
YES! All the power of Jehovah packed into this tiny 3 ounce can! Yet it can
stop attackers in an instant and it hunts down perverts and gives 'em wot's
comin'!
[cut to real prim, uptight, stick-up-the-ass type woman holding can out at
arm's length and firing it.]
[cut to Arab masturbating over a camel (not the cigarette) in the desert.
Lightning zaps up from over the horizon, nails him in the ass and blows him
to hell. Camel chews cud.]
God: That'a'way, Maggie! Now about getting this Poll Tax thing through . . .
-*- N E W -*-
W R A T H
O'
G O D
Stops Attackers,
Kills Perverts.
What more could a Republican want?
=========================
[Two women standing in supermarket aisle.]
Woman 1: Ya know Butch, I wish I was as smart as Dan Quayle. I mean, he was
just a hometown kid who became Vice President. Not to mention his important
new role as Chief Asteroid Watcher. He's just so smart!
Woman 2: Well now you can, Bob! With the new Dan Quayle Home Lobotomy Kit,
you can be as smart as our beloved Vice President in a snap. Includes
needles, cutting wire and a 220v "Skull Fuck" brand power drill! Just drill
these 4 small holes, insert the cutting wire with the needle, and PULL!
Walla! That troublesome ol' frontal cortex is gone and you're as bright as
Dan Quayle. Maybe even BRIGHTER!
Woman 1: I'll get that!
Announcer: Yes, the Dan Quayle Home Lobotomy Kit is available at finer K-
MARTS and Walco's.
-----
(C) 1990 Yucks For You, Inc.
Comments & Flames to Author:
{ ucbvax ! uunet }!ucdavis!spked!sactoh0!smb (Mike Beebe)
Mailing List Requests: smbancroft@ucdavis.edu (Steven Bancroft)
All Back-issues are available by E-mail request from smbancroft@ucdavis.edu
or by anonymous ftp from bikini.cis.ufl.edu [128.227.224.1] in directory
/pub/mikesmad. Many Thanks to Eric Johnson (@ufl.edu) for all his work
in keeping the Madnesses up for ftp. "Thanks Eric!"
english.79dejanr,
ALICE in DIGITALand
"Where am I?" asked Alice, as she peered at the large 7-lettered sign
with the standard blue letters.
"You're in Digitaland," replied the security guard, "May I see your
badge?"
"I don't have a badge."
"Did you lose it?"
"No." answered Alice in a puzzled tone. "How could I lose something I
never had?"
"If it's not lost then you must show it to me."
"I can't. I don't have one."
"Then you'll have to have a temporary."
"A temporary what?" asked Alice, more confused then ever.
"A temporary Badge. What's your badge number?" requested the guard.
"I don't have one"
"Of course not, Ken Olsen has 1. Give me your badge number, and your
cost center"
"I'm so confused. I can't do this. I've already said 3 times why. Do I
have to tell you 4?"
"Ahhh. 3XY, badge number 4. You must be very important to have such
a low badge number. I should have immediately recognized how low by your
state of extreme confusion. Here's your temporary. Go right on in."
Alice pasted the sticky paper to her dress and headed down the hall. Not
10 feet ahead she saw a rather distressed looking rabbit coming toward
her. He was dressed in a pair of torn, faded jeans, and a dirty tee
shirt.
"What's wrong?" Alice asked.
"I'm late! I'm late!" exclaimed the rabbit as he peered at the pert chart
dangling from his pocket protector.
"Late for what?" asked Alice.
"My date. I'm going to miss my date. I've got a deadline to meet and
I'm not going to make it."
"Well, if it's already dead, it probably won't mind. In fact it isn't
likely to be going too far in such a state. I'm sure that however long
you take will be just fine."
"You obviously don't understand. Everything takes longer than it really
does. It doesn't matter what you are doing, only that you meet your
date, and that's always impossible."
"Well if its impossible, why would anyone expect you to meet it?" Almost
at once regretting that she had asked. Was this was going to be as
confusing as badges?
"Its really very simple. In order to move forward, you need a goal. Any
goal will do. It just has to be impossible to do. To motivate the
troops, you have to make goals very challenging. Its really only there
to get a stake in the ground, you know. After that we march in step
until we reach our objective. The date really doesn't mean anything.
You simple have to understand that we are going to do the right thing."
"But the if the goal is impossible, and really doesn't mean anything why
are you trying to go there. Wouldn't it be simpler to first figure out
what you are really going to do, then figure out how to get there?"
"You obviously don't understand the process. And as I said before I'm
late so there is obviously only one thing to do."
"Hurry up and rush off?" Alice asked, hoping it would sound more like a
suggestion than a question.
"No. No. No. A meeting. Let find the Mad Manager and a number of
involved, interested, or warm bodies."
"That will obviously take a lot of time. I don't think you have any to
waste.
"No it won't. All we have to do is find a conference room. There are
lots of them right over here."
"But," started Alice, "those rooms are all full of people. Don't we
need an empty conference room?"
"Silly thought. If we want to find the Mad Manager and some meeting
attendees, why would we look in an empty conference room? Anyway, its
impossible to ever find an empty conference room."
The rabbit took Alice by the hand, and promptly lead her into the
largest, fullest conference room. Alice immediately noticed that the
wastebasket was quite full of foam cups, and overhead projector bulbs.
These people had obviously been here for a long time.
At the head of the table sat a man with a rather funny suit wearing a
large hat.
"Why" whispered Alice to the rabbit, "is that man wearing that funny hat?
Who is he?"
"I'm the Mad Manager," answered the man at the end of the table,
obviously overhearing the question, " And I'll be happy to tell you why
I'm wearing this Hat, but that topic is not on the agenda."
"Why don't we change the agenda?" asked a person in the corner.
"Is that a topic for another meeting?" replied the manager.
"Is what a topic for another meeting?" voiced a third. "The reason for
the hat, or why we don't change the agenda?"
"Why don't we take this off line?" queried another.
"Does everyone agree that these are all topics we should address?" asked
the mad manager.
"Possibly so. " injected the person in the corner. "Could it be that we
have a hidden agenda?"
"Oh no!" the Mad Manager began, the dismay obvious on his face, "someone
has hidden the agenda again! Let me put on my process hat and we'll see
if we can work this issue."
With that, he removed his rather amusing top hat, and place a big green
fedora on his head.
"Now, with my process hat on, I'd like to address the issue of the hidden
agenda. Since we can't have a productive meeting without an agenda, it
is up to all of us to find it."
"But, " a voice from the corner piped in, "who is going to drive this
issue?"
"Do we have an action item here?" asked another attendee.
"Does anyone here want to work this?" asked the mad manager.
"Who originally brought this up?" asked another.
"I believe that the woman who came in with the rabbit proposed this.
Shouldn't she own it?"
"Well" the Manager stated, pointing to Alice. "I'd say that this is your
issue."
"What issue. I don't have any issues. " retorted Alice, nervously
fingering her temporary badge. "I only posed a simple question."
"I'm not sure we can accept that," the manager declared. "We need a
date."
"But, " Alice began, remembering what the rabbit told her about dates,
"a date is impossible."
>From the back of the room another voice asked, "How about a date for a
date?"
"The least we can ask it that you give us a date when you will be able to
give us the date for the date." stated the person in the corner.
"I'm not sure I can do that," Alice opened, "since I don't know what I'm
supposed to give you a date for. I'm having a problem trying to figure
out what you want me to do."
"We don't have any problems here, only opportunities!" Piped a chorus of
voices.
"It's really quite obvious," the mad manager declared as he reached
behind him for a striped blue and gray beret, "let me put on my Digital
hat for a moment," he continued doffing the fedora and flipping on his
latest selection, "You must do the right thing."
"Yes. yes. " chimed the chorus of attendees, "Do the right thing.
"Now, who is keeping the minutes?" the manager asked as he pitched the
beret and placed the fedora back on his head. "We need to record this
action item so we can come back to it later."
"We obviously can't deal with this issue until we can determine whose
meeting this is?"
"Should we schedule some time to cover that topic?" asked one of the
attendees.
"Whose going to drive this?" asked another.
Just at the Mad Manager was pulling out a rather worn pith helmet, a
voice in the back suggested "Let's take a break and work some of this 1x1
off line"
Being closest to the door Alice was the first to leave. She quickly
dashed down the hall, and ran up the first flight of stairs she
encountered, relieved to be free of the madness.
When she opened the door the scene that confronted her made her wonder if
returning to the meeting wasn't a bad idea. Seated around a large oval
table were what appeared to be playing cards, each dressed in a gray or
navy blue three piece suit. Around each neck was a rather oddly shaped
handle (or were they nooses?) made of silk, or polyester.
"Off with her head!" screamed the queen of hearts who was sitting at the
head of the table. Alice noticed that her tie was silk, and each card
seated near her was dressed in a suit and noose combination similar to
the queen's.
"Why would you want to remove my head?" Alice asked. By now she was
feeling beyond confused.
"It's not a modern, iconic, user friendly, menu driven, color, PC
compatible user interface," replied the queen, in a tone that would need
to come up two notches to be vaguely considered condescending.
"It happens to suit me just fine," retorted Alice.
"What are you an engineer or something?" asked the 7 of spades.
"No, I'm Alice. Who are you?"
"Marketing." they replied in perfect fifty-two part harmony.
"And what is that?" asked Alice.
There was a brief interlude of silence as each of the cards fidgeted with
their ties, checked their watches and scribbled notes on the pads of
paper contained in a handsome genuine imitation leather folder embossed
with the company logo. Then one by one, as dominoes would do, they
turned to the person on the left until they all stared at the queen of
hearts.
The queen cleared her throat, adjusted her tie a second time and stared
directly at Alice. "We provide the strategic thinking necessary to grow
the business."
"Oh," said Alice, "you figure out what products to build!"
"Heavens, no!" exclaimed the Queen, "That's too tactical. We feel its our
job to develop the vision for the long term."
"You develop things," began Alice, "so you build the products?"
In unison each member of the table made a face reminiscent of the look a
small child gets upon tasting spoiled dead roaches for the first time.
"Uggggh, that's even more tactical," jeered the chorus.
"No! No!" shouted the Queen. "You still do not understand. We take the
pulse of the key market leaders demand curve."
"I see now." said Alice, "You sell the products."
By now the chorus of cards chanting "Tac-ti-cal! Tac-ti-cal!" was
becoming too much.
The queen was furious and repeated her original greeting. "Off with her
head! Off With her head"
"WAIT!" demanded Alice. "I believe I understand. You are all responsible
for driving the solution opportunities for the key client supply
perceptions through strategic vision management!"
Alice wondered if she should add something about the claws catching, and
frumious bandersnatches and thought that she'd best leave it at that
before she became ill.
"Yes," screamed the cards, "That's exactly right!"
"And how, might I ask, do you accomplish these lofty and important goals?"
"By calling a BOD," the queen responded.
"And what, pray tell, might that be?" inquired Alice as she looked for
the quickest escape route, hoping that this jabber would keep her head
attached long enough to get out.
"A Board of Directors", began the queen, just as Alice noticed the door
to the left of the table. "Its a type of high level meeting."
"A meeting????!!!!" exclaimed Alice. "Not another meeting!" With that
she bolted for the door, no longer fearing for her head. Her only hope
was that she make it through before the agenda hit the overhead. In a
dead run, she passed through the door just as the projector lamp flicked
on. The sound of the fan was the last sound to fade as the door closed.
Breathlessly she looked up to see a large open area. Directly in front of
her was an enclosed area lined on one side with triple chrome table. A
stack of plastic trays was at the foyer.
As she wandered through an assortment of sandwiches, prepared foods,
soft drinks and salad began their daily spiel. "Eat Me! Drink Me! Eat
Me!"
"Oh no," answered Alice, "I may know nothing about dates, and problems and
meetings and agendas, and marketing and badges, but I do know food. I'm
not gonna touch any of you. After the morning I've had I deserve a nice
cheese steak (no lettuce)!"
With that, Alice opened the nearest exit door and left. A resounding
high pitched whine sang its midday good-byes as Alice returned to the real
world.
===========================
George: ... and here's a book on Trigonometry. You don't even
know what that means.
Gracie: Oh, I do so. Now take it by syllables. First comes
"trigo", that's a horse. And then comes "nom", that's
French for name. And last "etry", you know what that
is. So "Trigonometry" is a book about a French horse
up a tree.
----------------------------------------------------
Old Letterman's "USA Today Poll" --- 3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of
the population.
----------------------------------------------------
"Honey, there's a salesman at the door with a mustache!"
"Tell him I've already got one."
----------------------------------------------------
This one's attributed to Groucho Marx.
"Hey Groucho, the garbageman is at the door."
"Tell him I don't want any."
----------------------------------------------------
Summer: long days, warm sun, good books. Here's to it!
There are some people who read too much: the bibliobibuli. I know some
who are constantly drunk on books, as other men are drunk on whiskey
or religion.
They wander through this most diverting and stimulating of worlds in a haze,
seeing nothing and hearing nothing.
--H.L. Mencken
A house without books is like room without windows.
-- Horace Mann
All that Mankind has done, thought, gained or been, it is lying as in magic
preservation in the pages of books. They are the choicest possessions of men.
-- Thomas Carlyle
La vrai disette, c'est l'absence de livres.
Real poverty is lack of books.
-- Colette
When I speak of being in contact with my books, I mean it literally. I like
to be able to lean my head against them . . . .
-- Leigh Hunt
All good books are alike in that they are truer than if they had really
happened
. . . .
--Ernest Hemingway
Whenever they burn books they will also, in the end, burn human beings.
--Heinrich Heine
For hym was levere have at his beddes heed
Twenty bookes, clad in blak or reed,
Of Aristotle and his philosphie,
Than robes riche, or fithele, or gay sautrie,
But al be that he was a philsophre,
Yet hadde he but litel gold in cofre.
-- Geoffrey Chaucer
===========================
Where do you find out how heavy a pie is?
Somewhere over the rainbow. (..weigh a pie..)
Where do you find out how heavy a whale is?
At the whale-weigh station.
english.80dejanr,
>>>>>>> Harvey News Network <<<<<<<<
Food & Entertainment
Corner
An Evening At Chuck 'N' Suck
On a recent Friday evening, this culinary reporter paid a visit
to one of the area's most noted eating establishments. Located in
cozy Beaver Grove, the main dining room is spacious and overlooks
Highway 41 and a gulley out back. While waiting for a specially
prepared meal, guests may order from the bar and watch Elmer, the
restaurants' neighbor, cut and split his winter wood, critique his
technique and be thankful they are not out there.
Walking through the front entrance one is immediately struck
with the pleasantness of the surroundings. Being family night,
children were getting their suckers for free. Several families
made the most of this once-in-a-lifetime experience by scaling
their own fish in preparation for the meal. I was greeted at the
front door by the owner, Louie Fateeny, a large, friendly
man who laughed alot, who gripped your hand when he said hello
and you knew he meant it. "It's been a quiet night", he stated.
"We had one guy down for a while earlier -- choked on a fishbone --
but the waitress hit him on the back and he threw up and he's OK
now." Louie said it was nothing like Pike night last week.
"Heck you shoulda seen it, they were dropping like flies. 'Got
a good deal on the Pike but I'll never serve 'em again." It seems
the bones cause a good deal of trouble and can be a source
of unpleasantness. "Even the band had to stop playing -- people were
dropping all over on the dance floor -- it was crazy." Louie said,
shaking his head.
The menu boasts several selections of local fish. It was difficult
to decide, but I finally settled on baked trout. I also remembered
something that Steve had said a while back, when commenting on a
poem I had written, that he liked the scansion. I had never known
what they had to do with my poem, but I decided to try them just to
see what the fuss was about. So I ordered trout with a side order
of scansion. My table was set. "I see the man who used this glass
before I did had big hands." I said. They marveled at my ESP. No,
"I can still his finger prints all over the glass." The coffee
was awful. "So, I'm your waitress", she said. "You got a strong
stomach?" I begged her pardon? "I mean, you ever ate here before?
Look, I got a degree in CPR and this kit in case you stop breathin'.
You ain't never ate here before have you?" I told her no, I had
not, but was looking forward to it. "Well, suit yerself. You're
either awful brave or awful stupid. Let's get goin', then."
The lettuce salad was fine until I noticed that the lettuce had
not been checked for bugs or worms. I simply cannot explain to you
how I came to discover this truth. The soup was enjoyable. While
at the salad bar, I was comforted by the speed and efficiency at
which the local ambulance personnel worked over a little lady who
gasped and grabbed her throat midway through her shish-ka-bob'ed
sucker delight. They quickly and carefully drug her out of the way
so the rest of us could continue with the salad bar. Louie motioned
to me not to worry -- no big deal. At long last my trout came, just
as Elmer finished splitting his wood. There it was -- a lake trout,
sitting there, grinning at me. Like it knew what went on back
in the kitchen and was I in for a surprise. For the first time that
night I felt weak, my legs trembly. I thought about big Louie's
Pike night. Remembered the little lady grabbing at her throat.
Out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of Louie, watching me.
An attendant stood by and as he leaned on the bar his hand rested
on an oxygen tank. My mind flashed. The Elvis story! I had forgotten
to finish the write-up on my findings. I had to go! This meal would
have to wait! Throwing a $20 bill on the table, I headed for the
door. Big Louie caught up with me, "Somethin' wrong?" he said. "No,
I just remembered something I forgot to do!" I said. "You'll come
back again?" asked Louie. "Yeh, sure, I'll be back. I'll let you
know." And the door slammed behind me. Out in the chilly evening
air once more, the smell of fresh cut wood, sawdust, oil and gas
enveloped me and strength returned to my legs.
Maybe some other time.
Remember, the number to call for reservations is 1-800-SUCKERS.
>>> Harvey News Network End Feed <<<
===========================
Here is something I found posted at a local FBO that I thought was
pretty humorous because I am expanding my pilots license from a private
to a commercial with an instrument rating.
Enjoy,
Tim
-----------
Tim Peiffer peiffer@cs.umn.edu or
Computer Science Dept ..!rutgers!umn-cs!peiffer
University of Minnesota
MPLS MN 55455
Instrument Flying for Animal Lovers:
Having detailed the concept of attitude control, there is
another method which you may prefer. For reasons that will become
apparent, it is recommended for those pilots whose airplanes have
large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as the "Cat and Duck Method" of
instrument flight, it has received much publicity and is considered to
have a great deal of merit by those who have not tried it. No reports
have been received from those who did try it, and none are expected.
Pilots are invited to assess its merits objectively.
Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly
will known and are extremely simple. Here's how it's done:
1. Place a live cat on the cockpit floor; because a cat always
remains upright. it can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely
watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and
if so, which one.
2. The duck is used for instrument approach and landing. Because
of the fact that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument
conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane
and follow it to the ground.
There are some limitations to the Cat and Duck Method, but by
rigidly adhering to the following checklist, a degree of success will
be achieved which will surely startle you, your passengers, and even
an occasional tower operator.
1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at
all. It may be necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep
the cat at attention.
2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their
time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a
tight snap roll followed by an inverted spin.
3. Use old cats only. Young cats have nine lives, but old,
used-up cats with only one life left have just as much to lose as you
do and will be more dependable.
4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are
using the cat to stay upright, it will refuse to leave without the
cat. Ducks are no better in IFR conditions than you are.
5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks
sometimes fail to realize that they are on the guages and go flogging
off in the nearest hill. Very nearsighted ducks will not realize that
they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting
position. This maneuver is difficult to follow in an airplane.
6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out
and find yourself on final for a rice paddy, particularly if there are
duck hunters around. Duck hunters suffer from temporary insanity
while sitting in freezing weather in the blinds and will shoot at
anything that flies.
7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with
geese because many water birds look alike. While they are very
competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same
direction as you. If your duck heads off for Canada or Mexico, you
can be sure you have been given the goose.
english.81dejanr,
>How can you tell when a woman is wearing pantyhose??
>When she farts, her knees bag!!!!!
Man: Honey, if I'd a known you were a virgin, I would've taken more time...
Woman: Honey, if I'd a known you had more time, I would've taken off my
panty hose.
===========================
A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of 15 year old Chivas Regal scotch.
The bartender doesn't believe the man can tell the difference between scotches
so he pours the man a glass of 5 year old Jack Daniels. The man drinks the
scotch and says this isn't Chivas Regal, its 5 year old Jack Daniels. The
bartender pours him another glass, but this time 10 year old Cutty Sark scotch.
Again, after tasting the scotch the man says this is 10 year old Cutty Sark.
The bartender gives up and pours the man what he wants. The man drinks the
scotch and says "Ah yes 15 year old Chivas Regal". A drunk has been at the end
of the bar watching the whole show and finally passes a glass of golden liquid
down to the man and says "Taste this". The man takes a sip and spits it out
saying "That tastes like piss". The drunk says "You're right, now tell me how
old I am"
Now, if I get flamed by some drunk or scotch drinker out there, I give up!!!!!!
===========================
Two, older Scotch gentlemen, McPherson and McBlarney had been friends forever.
During the wake of another friend, the two Scotts made a pact, that whoever
died
first, the surviving member of their twosome would pour a bottle of the best
Irish whiskey that they could buy, over the grave of the deceased. Within a few
years the fateful day arrives and McPherson passes away and after the wake,
funeral, and burial, a heart broken McBlarney arrives at his grave, bottle in
hand. With tears rolling down his cheeks, McBlarney looks heaven bound and
says "McPherson, I know we said that when the other one dies we would pour a
bottle of the best Irish whiskey over their grave, but do you mind if a put it
through my kidneys first".
===========================
During World War I, the United States runs out of soldiers to send to Europe,
so it must scrape the bottom of the barrel and start sending Hillbillys off to
Germany, to fight. In, Germany there is a German trench and separated by 50
yards is the American trench, filled with Hillbillys. The Germans find out that
every Hillbillys name is Billy Joe, so they call out "Hey, Billy Joe" and when
a
Hillbilly stands up and says "Yeah" they shoot him. Finally after about one
million casualtys, the Hillbillys catch on and realize that all of the German
soldiers are named Hans. So they start calling out "Hey Hans", hoping that the
German soldiers will stand up. But the Germans call back "Is that you Billy
Joe" and the Hillbillys stand up and say "Yeah". And the Germans shoot them.
There was a tall brick wall with Germans on one side and Hillbillys on the
other, in Europe. The Hillbillys would throw dynamite over the wall at the
Germans and the Germans would light it and throw it back.
Do you know, what is the West Virginia State bird????
The Fly!!!!!
english.82dejanr,
______
_/ _ _\_ The Friendly Guide to Safe Fax
( ) /_ /_ )
( )_(.)_.) )
( (c _) ) Dr. B Comfortable
( \ //\\ ) answers some of your questions
( \ `='
\__/ (credit: fax machine truncated his signature!)
Q: Do I have to be married to have fax?
A: Good Lord, no. People who hardly ever fax their husbands or
wives will spend most of their working lives faxing complete
strangers.
Q: My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and
were only allowed to write memos to each other until they
were twenty-one. Is this true?
A: Yes, but why worry about boring old twits like them?
Q: If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A: Certainly not. As far as I can see.
Q: There is a place on our street now, where you can go and pay
for fax. Is this legal?
A: Yes. Many lonely people have no other outlet for their fax
drives and must pay a "professional" when their need for fax
becomes overwhelming.
Q: What are the consequences of indiscriminate fax?
A: Very high telephone bills.
===========================
The three original founders of Canada were
sitting around trying to figure out how to
name their newly founded country, when one
of them said, "I have a great idea. Let's
put all of the letters of the alphabet into
a hat and draw one. The letters that we
each draw will spell out the name of our new
country."
Everyone agreed. So they wrote the alphabet
on a piece of paper, cut them into individual
letters, and put them in a hat.
Founder #1 pulled out a piece of paper and
exclaimed, "C, eh!"
Founder #2 pulled out a piece of paper and
exclaimed, "N, eh!"
Founder #3 pulled out a piece of paper and
exclaimed, "D, eh!"
And so today, we all know that beautiful country
north of the US as CANADA.
I guess it sounds better when told in person.
english.83dejanr,
In article <1990Sep13.184732.771@mozart.amd.com>, martin@mozart.amd.com (Martin
Schuessler) writes:
> Does anybody have a canonical list of "Why Beer is better than women" jokes ?
> The few I can remember are:
>
> 1) A frigid beer is a good beer.
> 2) You can share a beer with a friend.
> 3) You can come home with beer on your breath.
> 4) Beer labels come off without a fight.
> 5) A beer won't mind if you have another beer.
>
> Postings and/or E-mail is appreciated !
>
>
>
> --
> From: Martin Schuessler
> Organization: We used to have some, but then we were reorganized.
> ==> In any respect, standard disclaimers apply
25 reasons why beer is better than women
1> You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2> Beer stains wash out.
3> You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
4> Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car
while you play baseball.
5> When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6> Beer is never late.
7> A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8> Hangovers go away.
9> Beer labels come off with out a fight.
10> When you go into a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11> Beer never has a headache.
12> After you have had a beer, the bottle is worth 5 cents.
13> A beer wont get upset if you come home and have another beer.
14> If you pour a beer right, you'll get good head.
15> A beer always goes down easy.
16> You can have more than one beer in one night and not feel guilty.
17> You can share a beer with your freinds.
18> You always know you're the first to pop a beer.
19> Beer is always wet.
20> Beer doesn't demand equality.
21> You can have a beer in public.
22> A beer doesn't care when you come.
23> A frigid beer is a good beer.
24> You dont have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25> If you change beers, you dont have to pay alimony.
===========================
NOTE: I'm not sure who to give credit to for this joke. I got this joke
from a friend at Tandem...
Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two
of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box
with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you
think this is?"
One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said.
The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?"
The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write
a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its
position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal
black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a
16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the
heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected
from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the
heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a
working prototype."
The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of
such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into
toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is
really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more
sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast
food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A
toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the
future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years."
"With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to
the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize
this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The
specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into
toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage,
links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled
eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes."
"The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it
must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry
classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved
without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create
the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook
yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the
kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast
than to scrambled eggs."
"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has
revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast
food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived
requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with
multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get
cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required,
too."
"We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the
food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users
won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical
interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see
a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message
'Booting UNIX v. 8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out
by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a
menu and click on the foods they want to cook."
"Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design
phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the
implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard disk,
and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object
oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI,
writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had
if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a
four-bit microcontroller!)."
The king had the computer scientist thrown in the moat, and they all lived
happily ever after.
english.84dejanr,
COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS
----------------------
author unknown
- Hello, are you there?
- Yes. Who are you, please?
- I'm Watt.
- What's your name?
- Watt's my name.
- Yes, what's your name?
- My name is John Watt.
- John what?
- Yes, are you James?
- No, I'm Knott.
- Will you tell me you name then?
- Will Knott.
- Why not?
- My name is Knott.
- Not what?
- Not Watt. Knott.
- What?
===========================
A man goes to the Zoo and stops in front of the gorilla cage to play games with
the gorilla inside the cage. The man pats his head and the gorilla pats its own
head. The man scratches his arm and the gorilla scratches its own arm.
Suddenly, a knat flies in the mans right eye and he rubs his eye. The gorilla
is enraged and breaks out of the cage and beats the ever living shit out of the
man. In a hospital bed, the man is confronted by the head of the zoo who
demands
to know what he did to piss off the poor gorilla. The man describes everything
he did including the part about the knat. The Zoologist says "Holy Shit" and
tells the man that rubbing your right eye means "Fuck You" in gorilla language.
Eventually the man recovers and decides to get back at the gorilla. He buys a
large sausage and takes it and a knife to the zoo. He sticks the sausage down
his pants and goes to the gorilla cage. Standing in front of the cage, the man
pats his head the gorilla pats his own head. The man scratches his arm and the
gorilla scratches his arm. The man then unzips his pants, pulls out the sausage
through the open zipper and cuts off half with the knife. He hands the knife
to the gorilla, who smiles and rubs his right eye.
===========================
A man goes to hell and is standing in an ocean of shit up to his neck along
with billions of other lost souls. He turns to a man beside him and says "This
is terrible, what can be worse than this." The man replies "You think this is
bad, just wait until the devil drives by in his motorboat"
===========================
A man goes down to hell and the devil gives him a choice of one of three rooms
for him to spend eternity in. Once, the man decides against a room he may not
go back and change his mind. The first room is a huge ocean of Shit with
billions of people standing in it up to their necks. The man is disgusted and
says he would like to go to the next room. The devil reminds him that he may
not return to this room. The next room is a huge ocean of shit with billions of
people standing in it up to their waists. The man is again disgusted and says
the last room has got to be better than the first two. The third room is filled
with people sitting on chairs, drinking coffee and chewing gum with shit up to
their ankles. The man says this looks great and he wants to spend eternity in
this room. He grabs a chair, a cup of coffee and a stick of gum and sits down,
drinking the coffee and enjoying himself. In about fifteen minutes the devil
pokes his head in the door and yells, "Coffee breaks over, back on your heads"
===========================
A Naval task force lands at an exotic port after 6 months at sea. Hundreds of
horny sailors exit these ships and flood into town at the same time. An unlucky
sailor finally gets to go on leave about two hours after the others and wanders
around town looking for female companionship, but all of the ladys are taken by
his shipmates. He enters the last brothel in town and the Madam informs him
that the only thing left to screw is a duck. The sailor is led into a large
bedroom with one whole wall being a huge mirror and sitting on the bed is a
large, white duck. The sailor is reluctant, but his horniness wins out and he
screws the duck, finding out he actually likes it. The next evening he returns
to the brothel and requests the special bedroom with the duck and is told the
room is occupied and would he wait in the bar. He sits down at the bar and
notices a large window behind the bar and behind the window is a room where
two gay men are going at it hot and heavy. He turns to the person sitting
beside him and says "Boy, that is some interesting entertainment". The other
person replies "If you think this is great, you should have been here yesterday
watching a sailor fucking a duck"
===========================
Two white women and a black woman go to heaven and meet St. Peter at the pearly
gates. Before they enter heaven they must tell Peter how they died. St. Peter
asks the first white lady what she died of and she replies, "The Big C, Cancer"
and Peter allows her into heaven. Peter then asks the second white lady how she
died and she says "The Big T, Tuberculosis" and she is also admitted to heaven.
Finally Peter comes to the black lady and asks her how she died and she replies
"The Big V, Venereal Disease". Peter looks confused and says, "Madam nobody
dies of VD these days". The black lady replies "They do if the give it to
Leroy".
english.85dejanr,
Scene: Man and woman making out on living room floor.
Man: "You're a little dry tonight honey."
Woman: "Move UP idiot, you're licking the rug!"
===========================
Q: What do you do when you're having such great sex that your toes curl?
A: Take off the panty-hose.
===========================
Here's one that I read about recently in a humor column in a local
paper:
One would-be bank robber was a victim of his own bad timing.
The robbery was to be at a bank in Washington DC I think, near
a large FBI office, on the payday of the FBI agents. When the
ill-fated villian got to a teller and demanded money, he heard
17 federal pistols clicking behind him.
===========================
******************
Caught in the Act:
******************
Originally from the San Jose Mercury news, "News of the Weird".
If only all thieves were like this:
Paul Kuhl, 23, was arrested after robbing a Bradenton, Florida
bank in March. When he heard a police report naming him, he
called the police from a tavern to say he didn't do it,
allowing police to trace the call and arrest him.
Police arrested a 22-year-old man for theft of a
5-foot-high wheeled arc-welder in February by following the
huge tire tracks for five blocks down dirt streets of
Hutchinson, Kansas, to his garage.
Weirdo
In Kingston, Ontario, in January, a 27-year-old driver's
license applicant, fearful that she had already failed her
driver's test, began driving recklessly to terrorize the
examiner. The examiner wrested the key out of the ignition,
but the applicant began to beat the examiner with her fists
and later tried to her down down in the parking lot.
Yankee justice
Stephen Baker, 20, was hospitalized with a gunshot wound in
Vancouver, Washington in February. Accoring to a witness,
Baker had hit a man's car with a snowball from an overpass.
The man got out of this car, aimed a rifle at Baker, fired
one shot, got back in his car and sped off.
english.86dejanr,
THE TRUTH ACCORDING TO MARX
---------------------------
1) When a person's nose itches, it's a sign that it should be scratched.
2) A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going
somewhere.
3) Thirteen at a table is unlucky when the hostess has only 12 chops.
4) Singing before breakfast is a forewarning of a fight with a neighbor--
if the neighbor is trying to sleep late.
5) Throwing salt over the shoulder is likely to give the impression that
the mas who throws the salt has dandruff.
6) Finding a four-leaf clover is a sign that you have been down on your
hands and knees.
7) To get out of bed on the wrong side probably means that you have had
too much the night before.
8) To carry a rabbit's foot is a sign that you are a good shot with a
gun--or have a friend who is.
9) When three men get a light off one match it is indicative of the
fact that they have only one match or are Scotsmen.
Zgornje modre misli je izrekel Groucho na temo vrazevernosti
===========================
Merrialla was married to a well-known Hollywood producer who had sense enough
not to live in Hollywood. Still, so as not to be too far away from his job,
they owned a domecile in Glendale.
Big difference, right?
It was a cool and sunny spring morning when Merrialla looked out the window
near the smaller swimming pool and saw a gorilla climbing a tree a couple of
hundred feet from the house.
Panicky, she phoned her husband at work, crashing through three separate
layers of administrative interference (not a trivial task, even for her), and
began spewing out a babbling description of the ape in the tree.
After getting Merrialla calmed down enough to give him a coherent explanation
of What Was Going On, her husband said, "Hell, what the #*(&%?!! do I know
about gorillas? Call a gorilla remover!"
She asked if he knew the gorilla remover's phone number. Hubby replied,
"Hell, of #*(&%?!! course I don't! Look in the #*(&%?!! phone book. Hell!"
So, Merrialla got down the Greater Los Angeles Telephone Directory, Yellow
Pages Volume VI (G-H), and started looking.
Glass, golf, gophers, gorillas. There. Hmm. Gorilla costumes...gorilla
dentists...gorilla drying...gorilla hunting...gorilla leasing...gorilla
locks...gorilla mattresses...gorilla nursing...gorilla packaging...gorilla
physicians...gorilla radiators...ah! There! Gorilla removers.
She scanned about three pages of listings for gorilla removers, and one of the
display ads caught her eye.
Harvey Wallbiter, Ph.D.
Gorilla Removal Specialist
affiliated U.S.G.R.A.
Bulk rates on herds.
A mailing address and telephone number were included, along with the puzzling
line: "We also walk wallabies."
Merialla found herself talking to an answering machine, which promised a
call-back with half an hour. She left her number and finished with "...and
please call in a hurry and that gorilla is still in the tree and I don't know
what I'm going to do and please hurry and call me back and..."
"BEEEEEEEEEEP!"
It was less than twenty minutes later when Dr. Wallbiter called back. He asked
about the location of the gorilla, and told Merialla that he had three more
calls to make that morning, but he could get there in the mid-afternoon.
He staunched the verbal hemorrage that followed with assurances that the
gorilla would remain in the tree until after sunset, and that he would be
there long before that.
With considerable nervousness, Merrialla waited for the next three and a half
hours until a white panel truck, with King Kong in chains painted on the
side, pulled up the long drive from the street.
Harvey introduced himself to Merrialla and asked her to show him the gorilla.
As she stayed near the door of the house, Harvey walked over to the tree and
examined (and was examined by) the gorilla.
He walked back to the truck, and removed a ladder, some rope, a large dog and
(much to Merrialla's satisfaction) an automatic shotgun.
"Now, my assistant's sick today," Harvey explained, "so I'll need a little
backup help from you. There's no danger to you, and just a little to me."
Going to the ape-laden tree, Harvey braced the ladder on a tree limb near the
gorilla, commanded the dog to sit (it did), dropped the rope, and handed the
shotgun to Merrialla.
"Now, here's how this works," Harvey instructed. "I'll climb up there and
wrestle the gorilla out of the tree, and when he falls, the dog will run over
and grab him by the testicles. That will immobilize him, and I'll climb down
and tie him up with that rope."
"I see," said Merrilla, "and I shoot the gorilla if he gets a death grip on
you?"
"Not exactly," said Harvey. "Sometimes the gorilla wins, and _I_ fall out of
the tree. If that happens, shoot that #*(&%?!! dog!"
===========================
Dick Picklewater was not happily married. There are many stories about the
day-to-day thrust-and-riposte, jab-and-counterjab life that he and Mickey
led, but this tale doesn't concern Mickey at all.
Dick was wobbling down the sidewalk one day, overcompensating for a liquid
lunch, when he observed a funeral procession coming down the street. Led by a
herse, the procession moved on by. First in line after the hearse was an
unusually large German shepherd, the a _long_ row of guys on foot.
Dick was curious, so he asked the last fellow in the train who had died.
"My wife," the man answered.
"Shorry to hear that," said Dick. "How'd it happen?"
"Our dog...well, MY dog now...ate her," the bereaved man said, thrusting his
chin in the direction of the German shepherd.
Dick blinked, blinked again, and said, "Uhhhh...I'd like to borrow that dog
of yours one of these days."
The fellow stepped aside. "Get in line."
"...some people actually give Jerry Lewis medals for the kind of movies
he makes. If that's true, anything can be true." -- Mark E. Rogers
Duke McMullan n5ax nss13429r phon505-255-4642 ee5391aa@hydra.unm.edu
english.87dejanr,
why did god invent alcohol?
so ugly women can get laid too
===========================
A priest is hearing confessions one Saturday morning and the call of
nature comes upon him. He looks outside of the confessional into the
church and sees a line of people waiting for the confessional that
stretches halfway around the church, and he is the only priest hearing
confession that day. He notices the janitor and calls him into the
confessional. The priest asks the janitor to hear confessions while he
goes to the bathroom. The janitor balks at this suggestion, saying
that he's not a priest and wouldn't know what to do anyway. The priest
says that noone will know the difference and shows the janitor a list
on the wall of the confessional detailing the penances to be given out
for the sins that were committed. The janitor still is apprehensive
and the priest says that if he doesn't do it, he will take a dump on
the floor of the confessional and the janitor will have to clean it up.
This convinces the janitor to do it. The priest leaves thru a rear
door in the confessional.
The first person to be heard is a young girl.
She says, "Bless me Father for I have sinned, I have performed oral sex
on my boyfriend!"
The janitor looks on the list for "Oral Sex" and when he can't find it
under that description, looks under the description "Bl@w job". Not
finding that on the list either, the janitor opens the door slightly
and looks around the church for someone to help him out.
He sees an altar boy who is helping ready the church for a wedding
later that morning and calls him over, and in a voice barely above a
whisper asks, "What does the Father give for a bl@w job?????"
To which the altar boy replies:
"Two hershey bars and a bag of potato chips!!!"
===========================
To conquer the enemy without resorting to war is the most desirable.
The highest form of generalship is to conquer the enemy by strategy.
-Ancient Chinese Warlord
The employer generally gets the employees he deserves.
-Walter Bilbey
Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
-Ashleigh Brilliant
Friendships are fragile things, and require as much handling as
any other fragile and precious thing.
-Randolph S. Bourne
Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
They seem more afraid of life than death.
-James F. Byrnes
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
-Dale Carnegie
The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it is
your move.
-Frank Crane
Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness
without action.
-Benjamin Disraeli
Mediocrity requires aloofness to preserve its dignity.
-Charles G. Dawes
Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.
-Thomas Dewar
Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your
own. You may both be wrong.
-Dandemis
Small opportunities are often the beginning of great enterprises.
-Demosthenes
Expressing anger is a form of public littering.
-Willard Gaylin
The person who walks alone is soon trailed by the FBI.
-Wright Morris
An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides
correctly, but he always decides.
-John H. Patterson
Most novices picture themselves as masters - and are content with the
picture. This is why there are so few masters.
-Jean Toomer
God gave us two ears and one mouth. That ought to tell us something.
===========================
sign seen in local department stores:
1. Ears pierced
While you wait
(I hope so)
----------------------------------------------------
A confused person asked a man for two forms of ID when he had
given her a 20. He handed her his drivers liscense
----------------------------------------------------
There was a jewelry store in the mall where I worked several years
ago. One day a man walked in to the store and began looking at some
expensive watches.
He picked out a watch worth about $900 and asked to see it. The clerk
handed it to him. The man said he would like to apply for credit to
buy it.
So, after filling out the credit forms, along with checking whatever proper
I.D. is needed for such credit, the clerk took the form into the back room
to process the application.
About this time, the man decided that he would like to have the watch for
free, and ran out of the store with it.
The police picked him up shortly thereafter at his home, which he had
conveniently listed on his application form.
===========================
The Pentagon scandal has everyone jittery. Last week outside the Pentagon
someone yelled "Stop thief" and 14 people did.
===========================
Intoxication and Other Near-Death Experiences
by Dave Barry
Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's place
in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few:
(A bunch of questions.)
Q -- What lies ahead for mankind?
A -- Despite all the prophecies of gloom and doom, I'm optimistic. I am
particularly heartened by the willingness of a growing number of everyday
people on both sides of the Iron Curtain to question the conventional
"wisdom" of their military and political leaders and demand an end to the
insane policies that for 30 years have kept both sides on the brink of an
unthinkable nuclear confrontation. I believe that within our lifetimes,
this popular groundswell will bring us -- slowly but inevitably --
towards the first meaningful reduction in nuclear arms. Then the Earth
will be struck by an enormous comet.
english.88dejanr,
Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev and Foreign Secretary Eduard Shevardnadze
met on the eve of the recent super-power summit.
"What can we do to impress the Americans?" Gorbachev asked
Shevardnadze.
Replied the foreign secretary: "Well, we could open the gates of
the Soviet Union for 24 hours."
"Don't be crazy," Gorbachev replied. "Everybody would go and
it would leave only the two of us sitting here."
"Speak for yourself," shot back Shevardnadze.
===========================
The October 8, 1990 issue of Fortune has picked up on a
small story which appeared in the Los Angeles Times.
As best as I remember, there was a lawyer who got caught
three times in an alleged speed trap. He sued the city
under RICO (Racketeering Influence and Corruption) statutes.
Part of the allegation is that the city set the speed limit
without reviewing the traffic patterns every 5 years.
A judge ruled that the city could be sued under RICO.
I doubt that this is what they had in mind when Congress
passed the RICO statutes.
===========================
Told to me by a friend- no claim to originality:
(For those who don't know, Mike Ditka (aka Iron Mike) is the current
coach of the NFL Chicago Bears, he is an ex-player and has a reputation
as a tough guy).
At the beginning of this football season, Iron Mike Ditka was concerned
about his team. Although they displayed appropriate athletic ability
and seemed to be progressing well through the pre-season training- they
seemed to be lacking the 'toughness' Iron Mike felt they needed if they
were to have a succcessfull season.
So, Iron Mike (taking pride in his own 'toughness') decided to give the
team a graphic example of the qualities he desired them to have. After a
particularly hard practice, he called a team meeting in the locker room.
The team gathered around their revered coach and he gave a very motivational
speech- recalling his glory days as a player, emphasizing that facing and
functioning in the midst of pain was not only admirable but was a necessary
ability if players were to form a successfull team. At the end of the
speech, Iron Mike pulled a gym bag out from under a table and said he
was going to demonstrate just how tough he wanted his players to be.
The players watched as Iron Mike pulled a large snapping turtle out from
the bag. While holding it down on the table with one hand he dropped his
pants and underwear down to his knees with the other. Then as the players
watched in terror, Iron Mike picked up the turtle, moved it towards his
genitals
at which time the turtle lashed out clamping firmly onto Mikes appendage. The
players were stunned, one offensive lineman fainted at the sight. Through it
all Iron Mike made no sound- and intensly stared into the eyes of each and
every player. Satisfied that the impression had been made, Iron Mike reached
down and poked the turtle in the eye to which it responded with a little
squeal, released it's jaws and retreated momentarially into it's shell.
The coach returned the turtle to the table. A drop of sweat ran down his
brow as he put his pants back on, to this point he still had not said
anything.
The room was silent. Iron Mike challenged the players: "Who else in here
thinks they're tough enough to try that ?!" The room remained silent, Mike
yelled: "And you SISSY'S want to be Chicago Bears!?!"
The players were simultaneously awed by Iron Mikes display and terrified that
they somehow might be forced to repeat his performance- nobody had the
courage to break the silence. Finally, from the back of the room echoed a
timid voice. It was the new towel-boy, who had just started
working the previous week. All the players turned to hear him: "Coach...
I think I'm brave enough to try it- ... but you have to promise not to
poke me in the eye"
===========================
A pompus southern politician was on his way to a big press conference
at the state capital in the back of his Limo when the driver swerved
and hit two young black men walking on the side of the road. One of
the young men was thrown through the windshield of the car and the
other tumbled a good thirty yards down the shoulder of the road.
Upon his arival at the capital, the press hounded him to find out what
had happened. "Well, were a takin care of the matter right now"
the politican started. "We got one of em under arrest fer breakin and
enterin, and the other one we got fer leavin the scene of an accident."
===========================
One day, Moses and Jesus were golfing, when J.C. hits the ball very close
to the water. As he prepares to take his next shot, Moses questions him
about his club selection.
"Yo, JC, shouldn't you be using a 7-iron on this to get it over the water?"
"I've seen Arnold Palmer make this same shot with the same club, and he is a
mere mortal while I am the son of God."
J.C. hits the ball, which quite quickly falls into the pond. Moses then
parts the water and gets the ball back. Jesus again uses the same club,
though. When questioned, he again states that AP, a mere mortal, made this
shot while HE was the son of God. Again the ball lands in the water. Moses
parts the water, goes out to get it, brings it back, and states that next
time he is not going to retrieve the ball. JC doesn't care, he tries the
same shot anyway. For the third time it goes in the pond. When Moses
refuses to get the ball, Jesus walks across the water and bends down to
pick it up.
At this point, some other people come up and say, "Who does that guy think
he is, Jesus Christ?"
"Nah, he thinks he's Arnold Palmer," replies Moses.
english.89dejanr,
One day, a priest and his friend decided to go golfing.
At the first hole, the priest plays quite well. His friend gets onto the green
alright, but misses his putt by a mile.
"DAMN I MISSED!!" he yells.
"You shouldn't swear," the priest tells his friend, "the Lord is listening."
At the second hole, the priest again does a wonderful job of getting his ball
in the hole. And for a second time, his friend goes way off course for his
putt.
"DAMN I MISSED!!" he yells to the sky.
"You should't swear like that," the priest tells him again, "God is listening."
This continues for the rest of the game, until the eighteenth hole. As he had
for the whole round, the priest comes out under par. And as he had done for
the entire course, the priests friend screws up the final putt.
"DAMN I MISSED!!" he yells once again.
And the sky goes dark, the clouds stream past at an incredible speed. Then a
lightning bolt strikes down from the sky and hits the priest, frying him and
causing his instant death.
And from the sky came an ominous voice, "DAMN I MISSED!!"
english.90dejanr,
THE UNISEX, OMNISEXUAL
P U R I T Y T E S T
__________________________________________________________________________
Version 4.0 (500)
Final Release
23-Apr-1988
__________________________________________________________________________
Public domain; no copyright. All rights wronged, all wrongs reversed. Up with
going down. The risen flesh commands: let there be love. Murphy's law on
sex: Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics. Chaste makes
waste. Virginity can be cured.
This document was not sponsored by the Department of Defense Advanced Research
Projects Agency, and was not monitored by the Air Force Avionics Laboratory.
The views and conclusions contained in this document should not be interpreted
as representing the official policies, either expressed or implied, of the
Defense Advanced Projects Agency or the US Government. Neither should it be
interpreted nor inferred that the authors/contributors have actually performed
any of the actions contained herein.
__________________________________________________________________________
Disclaimer of Liability
The user of this test acknowledges that sex is a hazardous sport; that a person
must copulate in control, and use good judgement at all times; that partners'
conditions vary constantly and are greatly affected by weather changes and
previous use; and that dirty sheets, variations in terrain and bed surfaces,
spouses/pimps/managers, forest growth, rocks and debris, clothed obstacles, and
many other natural and man-made obstacles and hazards, including other users
and customers, exist throughout the bedroom area. Personal managers
(pimps/spouses) and sado-masochistic operations and equipment are constantly in
use and may be hazardous to those not copulating in control. Impotence,
collisions, and social diseases resulting in injury can happen at any time,
even to those copulating in control with proper sexual equipment. Inherent
risks are part of the sport and may exist within your partner. As a condition
of being permitted to use the facilities of your partner, the user of this test
agrees to copulate in control and within the limits of his/her ability, and
further acknowledges and accepts these hazards, dangers, and risks and assumes
the risk of injury or loss to person or damage to property which might result
from use of the partner's facilities.
As a further condition of being permitted to use the facilities of your
partner, the customer understands and agrees that: (1) in the event of a
transfer of use by another or anything else in the management's opinion is
misconduct, misuse, kinky, impotence, or nuisance, this service may be revoked
without refund; (2) the partner is the property of the harem and, upon request,
s/he must be presented to any authorized representative of the pimp/spouse; (3)
sexual equipment must be visibly displayed at all times when you are in any
bedroom and when approaching the bed to copulate. Your sexual partner is not
transferable; see Theft of Services, V.S.A., sections 2581 and 2582.
__________________________________________________________________________
Purity Test Genesis/History:
Version 1 (100) Created at MIT's Baker House. Two parallel versions; one for
male, and one for female. Not much is known about this
version. It was ported to CMU by ps in 1982.
Version 2 (247) Spring 1983 - CMU/jb, pd, kr, ps, ts, mt, et al.
Expanded to 247 questions. This marked the beginning of
the unisex versions. The story goes that they intended it to be
250 questions, but got tired that night and said "we'll think
of three more tomorrow", and tomorrow never got there.
Version 3.3C.1 (400) on 05-Dec-1984
First formal release general of this test, version 3.xx. All
former versions were short-lived and tended to be bug-ridden.
Does not discriminate against gays or bi's. Good correspondence
of scores (especially in the higher score ranges) between this
version and version 2. Added Genesis/History section.
Version 3.4 (400) on 29-Jan-1985
Internal version; never released. Source code accidentally
destroyed, much to the consternation of one of the authors.
Cleaned up many bugs. Added sections: Disclaimer of Liability,
Instructions for Use, Scoring, and Warranty Information.
Version 3.5 (400) on 10-Apr-1985
Rebuilt from the 3.3C.1 source and the 3.4 (only surviving
copy) Xerox X9700 laser printer hardcopy. Cleaned up same bugs
in 3.4; wiped out a duplicate question. Added in verbose
history section.
Version 3.5A (400) on 13-Apr-1985: CMU/da, fa, tc, no, dt, sv, rz, et al
Found that we had 431 questions instead of 400.
Version 3.5B (400) on 18-Mar-1986: Yale (Pierson College)/ as
Intermediate release, with footnotes integrated into main body
of text and some grammatical errors cleaned up. Begun in
Fall, 1985; finished in April for the benefit of a friend at
MIT (where it all began), who hadn't seen any versions except
the antique Version 1.
Version 3.5C (400) on 17-Jan-1988: Yale (Pierson College)/mmd (CLARINET@YALEVM)
Grammatical errors corrected. Introduction and history
cleaned up.
Version 4.0 (500) on 23-April-1988: Yale (Silliman College)/dfc, ad, dcg, mlm,
and Dartmouth (Alpha Theta)/alb. Original 400-question version
expanded to 500 questions.
__________________________________________________________________________
Instructions for Use:
This is a fairly long test consisting of five hundred questions. It starts out
tame and gets progressively worse (or better, depending on your viewpoint).
There are many ways of going about taking this test. You can, of course, as
your right, guaranteed by the Constitution, be anti-social and sequester
yourself in your room and take this test all by yourself; however, we feel that
the funnest way to utilize this test is to hold a Purity Test Party. All you
need is one copy of the test, and a bunch of friends. (Lots of writing
implements and paper would be useful too.) The person with the copy of the
test is the test administrator; s/he readsd the questions out loud and
everybody else writes down their answers. We have no definite rules as to
whether the participants are required to divulge their answers; that is up to
the group to decide. However, each person's purity score should be made common
knowledge. (The person with the highest score gets to be giggled at for the
rest of his/her life.) This works great at parties and lets everybody know
who's easy and who isn't, so you'll know who to go home with. Don't leave home
without it.
Definitions
All questions in this test pertain to events that have happened to you
subsequent to your weaning and babyhood/infancy. Anything that may have
happened before that time is considered not standing and void.
The term mutual masturbation refers to someone masturbating you AND/OR you
masturbating someone else, not exclusively both at the same time.
We would also like to define having sex in the homosexual case; homosexual sex
has occurred when both partners are of the same sex and one of the partners has
an orgasm while there is some contact between the genitals of both partners.
We would now like to bring to your attention that there is no passing nor
failing score. Therefore, one really shouldn't worry too much about getting a
high score... even if you do get giggled at for the rest of your life.
--- ALL TECHNICALITIES COUNT ---
__________________________________________________________________________
Section 1: Platonic Relations. 19 Questions.
For this section, if you are mostly a:
- heterosexual, then your partner in deed, often referred to
by the word "someone" or "partner", is to be someone
of the OPPOSITE gender.
- homosexual, then your partner in deed, often referred to by the
word "someone" or "partner", is to be someone of
YOUR OWN gender.
- 50-50 confirmed bisexual, then your partner in deed, often
referred to by the word "someone" or "partner", is to
be someone of the OPPOSITE gender.
Have you ever done any of the following:
1. kissed a friend or stranger on their hands or their head/neck region
as a friendly gesture?
2. held hands with someone?
3. had a date?
4. had a date past 1 a.m.?
5. dated someone on a regular basis?
6. picked someone up?
7. been picked up?
8. gone steady?
9. slow danced?
10. had the symptoms of Russian fingers (rushin' fingers)?
11. had the symptoms of Roman hands (roamin' hands)?
12. shared a bed, sleeping bag, or sleeping accommodations with someone
without anything steamy happening?
13. given a back or neck rub or massage with no ulterior motive?
14. used tickling as a pick-up, get-to-know-you-better routine?
15. directly asked someone whom you were not going out with and had
never gone out with if they were a virgin?
16. used physical strength, physical power, or any physical prowess, or
prowesslessness as a factor in pick-up, get-to-know-you-better
routine?
17. secretly lusted after someone without that person knowing?
18. dropped subtle hints to someone whom you liked/loved/wanted, hoping
that they would pick up on it?
19. written anonymous "love letters" to someone (secret admirer, etc. That
is, dropped some not-so-subtle hints).
__________________________________________________________________________
Section 2: Auto-erotica and Mono-sexualism. 51 Questions.
Although this section is termed Auto-erotica and mono-sexualism, the
events herein still count even if you are with someone else at the time.
It was so named because these activities, like the harp, (and the
porcelain goddess) are predominantly solo events.
Have you ever done the following:
20. had an arousing dream? (Wet dreams and the like.)
21. been sexually aroused?
22. uttered/muttered/yelled/screamed (or in other words verbally
expressed) obscenities?
23. fantasized about your long-term instructor, mentor, or someone who
is superior to you? (One day skydiving teachers, two hour ski
instructors, and the like do not count.)
24. fantasized about your lawyer, doctor, nurse, psychiatrist or someone
with whom you are having a professional relationship?
25. fantasized about someone you know personally but not closely?
26. fantasized about anyone and masturbated at the same time?
27. read or bought pornographic periodicals?
28. ever had a subscription to pornographic periodicals?
29. read sexually explicit literature?
30. gone skinny dipping alone?
31. made obscene phone calls?
32. phoned up any recorded phone sex numbers? (e.g. (212)976-2626,
(212)976-2727, (212)976-2828, etc. Please note that these are fifty
cent calls in addition to toll charges and long distance charges.)
33. phoned up any live phone sex numbers?
34. stuffed your bra if you are female, or stuffed your pants if you are
male?
35. shaved your genital pubic hair?
36. shaved your genital pubic hair on a fairly regular basis?
37. colored or bleached your genital pubic hair?
38. shaved or shaped your genital pubic hair in a particular design?
(moons, hearts, diamonds, clovers, etc.)
39. masturbated?
40. masturbated at least five times in one twenty-four hour period?
41. masturbated on a fairly regular basis of no less than once a
fortnight?
42. masturbated where you could have been discovered? (In a crowd, in
public, city parks, gym/dorm/barrack showers, movie theater, etc.)
43. masturbated out in the wilds or in nature with no nearby
civilization?
44. masturbated to orgasm?
45. masturbated while reading either pornographic or sexually explicit
materials?
46. masturbated while driving a *moving* land vehicle? (Car, RV, truck,
motorcycle, hearse, etc.)
47. masturbated while on the phone? (No kinky interpretations of "on the
phone". This is legit.)
48. masturbated while in a bathroom of the opposite sex?
49. masturbated while watching an R or X-rated show?
50. seen any burlesque show? (Rocky Horror counts)
51. been to a peep show?
52. been to a private showing of a pornographic movie?
53. seen a pornographic movie in a theater?
54. walked around in your room/apartment/house/habitation in the nude?
(Must be a serious walk; five minutes of going around trying to find
your undies after a shower doesn't count.)
55. walked around in a public or semi-public area with a top (shirt,
T-shirt, etc) but no bottoms (pants, shorts, etc)? (Dorm hallways,
lobby areas, etc. are acceptable; however locker rooms, bathrooms
and such places where this behavior is acceptable do not count.)
56. bought blatant sexual objects? (This means that if you buy a bottle
of Coke and you use it as a dildo, it doesn't count. Think design and
function.)
57. owned any erotic art pieces? (Like that phallic symbol in the cat
woman scene in "A Clockwork Orange.")
58. written down your own stories or fantasies for masturbatory purposes?
(Your own custom-made Penthouse Forum [tm])
59. sculpted erotic/obscene artworks in food (bananas, carrots, apples...)?
60. eaten any erotic food items? (Chocolate tits, banana dicks, etc.)
61. sculpted erotic/obscene artworks in soap, wood, or any other
carvable material that isn't food?
62. made an X- or R-rated snowman or snowwoman?
63. tasted your own orgasmic liquids?
64. inserted your finger into your rectum?
65. used ben-wa balls or anal beads? (ben-wa balls: a pair of small, usually
metal, balls which are placed in the vagina or anus and are supposed to
feel good as they move around. Anal beads: a string of beads inserted
into the anus which is supposed to feel good as it is pulled out.)
66. performed oral sex on yourself? (Yes, this is possible for most males,
and even for some females.)
67. willingly urinated on the garments that you were wearing at the
time? (In other words: piss in your pants; wet yourself; had an
accident.)
68. willingly urinated on any part of your body?
69. willingly defecated on the garments that you were wearing at the
time? (In other words: shit in your pants; had a serious accident.)
70. willingly defecated on yourself?
__________________________________________________________________________
Section 3: Legislative Misfits and Other Ethical Matters. 61 Questions.
Have you ever done any of the following:
71. administered a whole Purity Test or are in the process of
administering a whole Purity Test of any version? (That's where you
are the test administrator in a Purity Test Party. See "Instructions
for Use" for further information.)
72. taken Purity Tests of any versions more than 5 times?
73. lied on any previous Purity Tests?
74. exaggerated about any sexual experiences?
75. gone to (or escorted someone to) a Planned Parenthood Clinic? (for an
exam, to obtain birth control pills, diaphragm, etc.)
76. broken your word, promise, or vow?
77. lied to someone at someone else's request?
78. lied about your sexual preference in order to avoid a date?
79. written graffitti?
80. plagiarized?
81. shoplifted?
82. stolen?
83. made out a check that bounced?
84. used someone else's credit card without their knowledge and/or consent?
85. committed breaking and entering?
86. seen a snuff film?
87. read someone else's diary without their knowledge and/or consent?
88. searched someone's room without their knowledge and/or consent?
89. told someone that you loved them when you did not?
90. told someone that you loved them strictly because you wanted to have
sex with them?
91. fantasized about someone else other than your partner while you were
engaged in sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
92. intentionally listened in on other people having sex, oral sex, or
mutual masturbation without their knowing it?
93. used alcohol to lower someone else's inhibitions for the purpose of
sex or oral sex?
94. used drugs to lower someone else's inhibitions for the purpose of sex
or oral sex?
95. drugged someone without their knowledge and/or consent? (hash brownies
and the like.)
96. forced or coerced someone into having intimate physical relations
with you?
97. had dates with more than one person in the same night while one or
more of the people involved were NOT aware of your actions?
98. gone steady with two or more people at the same time while one or
more of the people involved were NOT aware of what you were doing?
99. gone steady with two or more people at the same time while all of
them WERE aware you were doing it?
100. urinated on someone else intentionally? (Piss fights!)
101. urinated in cup, bottle, pitcher or any such receptacle that was not
originally designed for such purpose? Urinalysis incidents don't count.
102. urinated anywhere other than a bathroom, outhouse, tree, bush or any
commonly accepted piss hole? (in the kitchen sink, in the glove
compartment of the family car...)
103. urinated from higher than the fifth floor, or equivalent height,
above ground level, out of a building or off a bridge or any such
permanent structure (e.g. the Grand Canyon)?
104. defecated anywhere other than a bathroom, outhouse or any commonly
accepted shit hole? (Camping/hiking trips in which bathroom/outhouse
access are nil do not count.)
105. stored any excretia in a refrigerator, oven, or any food
storage/preparation appliance?
106. stored evacuated excretia anywhere else in your room, apartment,
house, habitation, office, etc?
107. entered a bathroom of the opposite sex, unaccompanied by someone of the
opposite sex, while not involved in a search and/or rescue mission?
108. mooned or flashed someone from the front?
109. farted (audibly) in mixed company?
110. streaked, flashed, or otherwise exposed pretty much totally yourself
in public before an informal, unofficial gathering of people?
111. streaked, flashed, or otherwise exposed pretty much totally yourself
in public before a formal (official) gathering of people? (Such as a
function, stage performance, charity dinner, etc.)
112. been arrested? (Picture taken and all that wonderful, free stuff.)
113. received money or some favor to have sex, oral sex, or mutual
masturbation with someone?
114. given money or some favor to have sex, oral sex, or mutual
masturbation with someone?
115. thought you might be, or might have caused someone else to be,
unintentionally pregnant?
116. bought a home pregnancy test?
117. bought condoms?
118. borrowed/stolen/taken birth control devices from your or someone else's
parents? (Condoms, spermicidal foam, diaphragms, chastity belt)
119. had, or given someone, an unwanted pregnancy?
120. lied about being pregnant or about having made someone pregnant?
121. had sex while either you or your partner, but not both, were under the
legal age of consent of the state in which you were having sex?
122. thought you had VD?
123. had VD of any sort (VD, STD's, i.e. the clap, crabs, herpes, etc.)
124. had an AIDS test due to reasonable suspicion or hyperactive imagination?
125. given a sympathy fuck?
126. initiated sex with someone for the sake of sex only?
127. willingly committed incest?
128. committed adultery? (you need not have been the one who was married
to get this point.)
129. bought lingerie/undergarments of the opposite sex?
1
. stolenthe underwear of someone you knew, for a purpose other than
that of a practical joke or to just ire the person? (A bunch of guys
invading the women's dorm on a mission of panty raids does not
count.)
131. intentionally taken someone's underwear and didn't know who it
belonged to?
__________________________________________________________________________
Section 4: Drugs. 43 Questions.
Have you ever done any of the following:
132. had an alcoholic drink?
133. been intoxicated?
134. thrown up from having drunk too much alcohol?
135. passed out due to having drunk too much alcohol?
136. forgotten events that occurred while you were drunk?
137. smoked tobacco? (cigarette, pipe, cigar, hookah)
138. chewed tobacco? (snuff)
139. bought controlled/illicit drugs, or any compound scheduled by the
DEA, in violation of the law?
140. sold or re-sold controlled/illicit substances, or any compound
scheduled by the DEA, in violation of the law?
141. taken stimulants?
142. taken depressants excluding alcohol?
143. inhaled nitrous oxide while not visiting a dentist?
144. inhaled anything containing butyl nitrate?
145. used a commercial aphrodisiac? (Spanish Fly, Magic Love Drops, powdered
rhino horn, etc.)
146. taken valium?
147. smoked marijuana/sensemilia?
148. smoked marijuana/sensemilia more than four times?
149. eaten marijuana/sensemilia?
150. eaten marijuana or sensemilia more than four times?
151. taken opiate in any form?
152. taken opiate in any form more than twice?
153. used cocaine?
154. used cocaine more than four times?
155. injected any drugs into your body for any other purpose other than
medical?
156. injected any one drug into your body for any purpose other than
medical more than twice?
157. taken Ecstasy/X?
158. taken PCP?
159. taken PCP more than twice?
160. taken d-lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD-25), peyote, or psilocybin?
161. taken LSD, peyote, or psilocybin more than twice?
162. taken LSD more than six times?
163. deliberately injured yourself so as to obtain medication?
164. played any games in which there was a mystery as to who would be
getting drugs and who wouldn't, yet everybody plays in it? (e.g.
"Who's got the pill", where half the cups (of soda) have LSD in them and
the other half don't, and everybody picks a cup and drinks it and wonders
who gets lucky.)
165. gone to class or work while under the influence of drugs? (alcohol
counts)
166. mixed drugs? (alcohol counts. Mixed meaning being under the influence of
two or more drugs at once.)
167. sold possessions in order to obtain drugs?
168. had sex while under the influence of nitrous?
169. had an orgasm while under the influence of nitrous? (difficult because of
timing)
170. had sex while under the influence of cocaine?
171. had sex while under the influence of marijuana/sensemilia?
172. had sex while under the influence of Ecstasy/X?
173. had sex while under the influence of LSD, peyote, or psilocybin?
174. had sex while under the influence of drugs with a partner who did not
realize you were on them?
__________________________________________________________________________
Section 5: Non Platonic Relations. 63 Questions.
For this section, it you are mostly a:
- heterosexual, then your partner in deed, often referred to by
the word "someone" or "partner", is someone of the
OPPOSITE gender.
- homosexual, then your partner in deed, often referred to by the
word "someone" or "partner", is to be someone of
your OWN gender.
- 50-50 confirmed bisexual, then your partner in deed, often referred
to by the word "someone" or "partner", is to be
someone of the OPPOSITE gender.
Have you done any of the following:
175. propositioned someone for necking or petting?
(petting is defined as any caressing, patting, stroking or fondling.)
176. propositioned someone for sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
177. pinched or patted someone else's buttocks?
178. french kissed?
179. been kissed below the neck but not including arms or hands?
180. kissed someone else below the neck but not including arms or hands?
181. necked?
182. petted above the waist?
183. petted below the waist?
184. kissed on the first date?
185. necked on the first date?
186. petted above the waist on the first date?
187. petted below the waist on the first date?
188. given a hickey?
189. received a hickey?
190. worn specific clothes for the purpose of hiding hickeys? (i.e.,
turtlenecks)
191. fondled or stroked someone else's clothed legs?
192. fondled or stroked someone else's bare legs?
193. fondled or stroked someone else's frontal chest/torso region?
194. had your frontal chest/torso region fondled or stroked?
195. been involved with pelvic thrusting while fully clothed?
196. had your fingers licked or sucked?
197. had your ear or ear region licked, breathed upon, sucked, or
nibbled?
198. licked, breathed onto, sucked, or nibbled an ear or ear region?
199. licked or sucked someone else's finger(s)?
200. fondled someone who was asleep?
201. given a back massage with ulterior motives?
202. given a back massage that led to something steamier?
203. seen someone else completely nude when that person was under good
lighting conditions?
204. been seen completely nude by someone else under good lighting
conditions?
205. been in someone's company while both of you were completely nude?
206. bathed or showered with someone?
207. let someone else wash you while you were perfectly capable of doing
it yourself. (This means that if you were in the hospital with two
broken arms and the nurse washed you, it doesn't count, no matter how
cute s/he was.)
208. gone skinny dipping in mixed company?
209. been involved with the stroking or fondling of a woman's clothed
breast (as either possessor or fondler of the breast)?
210. been involved with the stroking or fondling of a woman's bare
breast (as either possessor or fondler of the breast)?
211. licked, sucked, or nibbled on someone else's nipple?
212. had your nipple licked, sucked, or nibbled upon?
213. petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled someone else's
covered genitals?
214. had your covered genitals petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise
handled?
215. petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled someone else's bare
genitals?
216. had your bare genitals petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise
handled?
217. had an orgasm while petting?
218. given your partner an orgasm while petting?
219. given finger scratch marks?
220. received finger scratch marks?
221. drawn blood by scratching during sex?
222. drawn blood by biting during sex? (hickeys do not count as having drawn
blood)
223. given or received *scars* from scratches or bites made during sex?
224. performed oral sex?
225. received oral sex?
226. swallowed semen, or licked female liquids off of fingers?
227. done sixty-nine ?
228. performed mutual masturbation?
229. had sex? (No need for orgasm; penetration counts.)
230. had sex on the first date?
231. had sex without the use of birth control devices? (Use of the rhythm,
prayer, and hope methods counts as "without the use of birth control
devices".)
232. had sex with a virgin? (Not yourself.)
233. had sex with someone whose name you did not know? (and *still* don't
know)
234. had sex with someone whose face you never saw?
235. had sex with someone where there was an age difference of more than 20
years?
236. had sex with someone not of your own race?
237. had sex with a religious officiary? (Priest, nun, mother-superior,
cardinal, pope, deity, etc.)
__________________________________________________________________________
english.91dejanr,
Section 6: Non Primary Choice Relations. 39 questions.
This section of the test deals with whether you have done things with
people whom you may not be altogether comfortable, therefore in this
section of the test, if you are mostly a:
- heterosexual, then your partner in deed, often referred to by the
word "someone" or "partner", is to be someone of your
OWN gender.
- homosexual, then your partner in deed, often referred to by the
word "someone" or "partner", is someone of the
OPPOSITE gender.
- 50-50 confirmed bisexual, then your partner in deed, often
referred to by the word "someone" or "partner", is to
be someone of your OWN gender.
Have you ever done any of the following:
238. held hands or otherwise displayed public affection?
239. kissed someone on the lips?
240. french kissed someone?
241. necked?
242. petted?
243. received manual sex?
244. given manual sex?
245. received oral sex?
246. given oral sex?
247. had sex?
248. had sex with a virgin? (not yourself.)
249. had sex with someone when there was an age difference of more than 20
years?
250. had anal sex? (The use of fingers or any phallic objects in this
case would also count.)
251. been involved in fist-fucking?
252. done 69? (simultaneous oral sex.)
253. propositioned someone for sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
254. yielded willingly to a proposition from someone for sex, oral sex,
or mutual masturbation?
255. had sex with someone whose name you didn't know? (and still don't
know.)
256. had sex with someone whose face you never saw?
257. been a participant in a who's-physically-better-equipped
verification contest? (Contestants must be of same gender;
spectators, judges, umpires, and verifiers may be of different
gender.)
258. been a judge in a contest such as above?
259. gave money or favors for sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
260. received money or favors for sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
261. fondled someone who was asleep?
262. attempted to seduce someone?
263. allowed yourself to be seduced?
264. had an orgasm while petting?
265. gave your partner an orgasm while petting?
266. had an orgasm at all?
267. had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation with more than 10 people?
268. stroked or fondled the clothed legs of someone?
269. stroked or fondled the bare legs of someone?
270. stroked or fondled the clothed chest/torso region of someone?
271. stroked or fondled the bare chest/torso region of someone?
272. stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled the clothed genitals of
someone else?
273. stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled the bare genitals of someone
else?
274. had sex, oral sex, mutual masturbation with someone not of your own race?
275. been in a menage-a-trois of people of the same sex?
276. been involved in group sex, with all participants of the same sex? (4
or more people, partners must be exchanged.)
__________________________________________________________________________
Section 7: Alternate Choices. 26 questions.
For any of the questions in this section, a yes answer is in order if it
is something that you do as an alternative to other sexual gratifications
or as an aid and/or in conjunction with other means of sexual
gratification. In other words, have you done it in a serious basis?
Trying it a few times to see what it's like does not count.
Have you ever done any of the following:
277. been decidedly heterosexual?
278. been decidedly homosexual?
279. been decidedly bisexual?
280. practiced bestiality (avec les animaux)?
281. practiced transvesticism?
282. practiced sadism ?
283. practiced masochism ?
284. practiced bondage?
285. practiced domination?
286. practiced submission?
287. practiced sodomy (anal intercourse)?
288. practiced cocrophilia (a marked interest in excrement; esp. the use of
feces or filth for sexual excitement)?
289. practiced frotteurism (masturbation by rubbing against another's person
or the need to rub against another stranger)?
290. practiced infantilism (a dependency on the sight or feeling of diapers
or of being diapered; a dependency on being dressed and treated as a
baby)?
291. practiced klismaphilia (a dependency on being given an enema)?
292. practiced necrophilia (copulation with a corpse)?
293. practiced mysophilia (a dependency on something soiled or filthy, such as
sweaty underwear or used menstrual pads)?
294. practiced scoptophilia (a dependency on looking at sexual organs and
watching sexual activity openly, not surreptitiously, as in voyeurism)?
295. practiced urophilia (being dependently responsive to the smell or taste
of urine or the sight and sound of someone urinating)?
296. practiced role-playing (nurse-patient, teacher-student, border guard-
well endowed co-ed, etc.)?
297. owned an underwear collection of underwear not belonging to you?
298. been a foot fetishist to any degree?
299. been a leather fetishist to any degree?
300. been a rubber/latex fetishist to any degree?
301. been a voyeur?
302. been an exhibitionist?
__________________________________________________________________________
Section 8: Group Sexual Relations. 27 questions.
This section relates to what you have or have not done. Accordingly, the
group of people of which we are speaking are of both genders. In
questions where groups of people are concerned, there must be at least
one person in the group who is of the opposite gender.
Have you ever done any of the following:
303. listened to dirty jokes in mixed company?
304. told dirty jokes in mixed company?
305. discussed masturbation? (Bringing up the topic of masturbation
during Purity Testing does not cut it as discussing masturbation.)
306. watched a porn movie in mixed company?
307. watched a porn movie with your own or someone else's parents?
308. played a game which may require you or others to disrobe?
309. played a game which may require you or others to perform an
action on another participant?
310. been in intimate contact with more than one person at the same time
while all of you were nude?
311. had oral sex with more than 10 people? (not necessarily at one time)
312. had sex with more than 10 people? (not necessarily at one time)
313. had sex with more than 1 person in a 24 hour period?
314. had sex with both genders in a 24 hour period?
315. been in a menage-a-trois with at least one member of the opposite sex?
316. walked in on others having sex (committed an "oops") and then joined in?
317. had sex or oral sex with a person and his/her parent? (not necessarily
at the same time.)
318. had sex, oral sex, mutual masturbation, necking, or petting with a
person and his/her sibling? (not necessarily at the same time.)
319. been involved in a two (or more) in one? (oral & anal or vaginal & anal
counts. But no fingers - we're talking the real thing here.)
320. been involved in a gang bang? (Step right up; come and get it while
it's hot.)
321. been in a circle of fuck?
322. been in a 69 circle?
323. been to a (cooking, baby, Wesson) oil party?
324. played naked Twister [tm] (with or without oil)?
325. participated in a heterosexual orgy or been involved in group sex?
(Four people or more; partners must be exchanged.)
326. participated in a bisexual orgy or group sex? (Four people or more;
partners must be exchanged.)
327. propositioned a person or group of people for group sex?
328. been propositioned for group sex?
329. participated in a fuck-a-thon? (Where the object is to see how
many times you can do it in a certain amount of time.)
__________________________________________________________________________
Section 9: Non sentient objects. 62 questions.
This section measures your kinkiness. Therefore, the questions apply to
actions and events which occurred while you were alone, as well as those
which occurred while you were with someone else.
Have you ever done any of the following:
330. used a bowling pin, Coke bottle, or something along those general
shapes for masturbatory or sexual purposes?
331. masturbated using the aid of food?
332. eaten the food used in masturbation after masturbation?
333. eaten a lab dissection?
334. inserted food into your or someone else's anus?
335. eaten food after it was extracted/evacuated from your or someone else's
anus?
336. received an enema for a purpose other than medical?
337. received an enema consisting on a non-normal enema solution (wine, beer,
urine, windex)?
338. actually measured your own or someone else's penis? (i.e., actually
grabbed a ruler, yardstick, tape measure, etc.)
339. used a mechanical hand-holdable device in aiding or replacing
masturbation? (Vibrator, massager, Dustbuster(tm), vacuum cleaner, etc.)
340. used a feather or any other tickling device for the purpose of
tickling?
341. used tickling as a form of *arousal*?
342. used ice for sexual purposes?
343. used ice for something frozen as a dildo? (ice cubes don't count here -
icicles, popsicles, and the like. Penetration.)
344. used a strap-on dildo or male extension sheath?
345. used whipped cream for sexual purposes?
346. used hot/melted wax for sexual purposes?
347. had sex in front of or under a mirror?
348. put food, gravy, syrup, salad dressing, candy, peanut butter, honey
or anything else edible on your partner's body, and then eaten it?
349. used household syrup, sandwich spreading, oil, salad dressing,
or any like substance for sexual purposes?
350. used ropes, chains, cuffs or any other such device for bondage
purposes?
351. used a whip, chain, cat-o-nine-tails, or something similar for pain?
352. worn edible underwear/lingerie?
353. eaten edible underwear/lingerie off of someone?
354. worn a leather/grore suit?
355. worn diapers for a sexual or masturbatory purpose?
356. been diapered by someone else for a sexual or masturbatory purpose?
357. used a ball gag or other manufactured gag?
358. worn a collar and/or leash?
359. been completely tied down (spreadeagled, hogtied, etc.)?
360. tied someone down completely?
361. had sex while you or your partner was tied up?
362. used nipple clips (clothespins count)?
363. pierced a part of your body other than your ears or nose (nipples,
labia, head of penis)?
364. found a prepubescent child sexually attractive/arousing?
365. had sexual contact of any kind with a prepubescent child?
366. used an inflatable doll?
367. humped an inanimate object like a pillow, (dinner) liver, hole in
the wall, sausage, banana, etc?
368. had sex or oral sex with a dead person?
369. inserted a small animal or creature into your rectum? (Either alive
or dead.)
370. had sex or oral sex with your (dead) dinner animal?
371. watched animals having sex?
372. been aroused by the sight of animals having sex?
373. attempted to have sex, oral sex, or (mutual) masturbation with a
live animal, but failed?
374. had sex, oral sex, or (mutual) masturbation with a smallish animal?
(Dog, cat, rabbit, lab rat, gerbil, etc.)
375. had sex, oral sex, or (mutual) masturbation with a domesticated farm
animal? (Cow, pig, chicken, sheep, etc.)
376. mutilated or killed any living animal or creature for your pleasures?
[The following three questions differ from those above in that ones above
measure your variation in animal choice, and the questions down here measure
what you did with the animals.]
377. had sex with a live animal? (Any size.)
378. received oral sex from a live animal? (Any size.)
379. gave oral sex to a live animal? (Any size.)
380. had sex, oral sex, or (mutual) masturbation with a single type
animal more than once? (Alive or dead.)
381. had sex, oral sex, or (mutual) masturbation with an animal in the
presence of 1 or more other people?
382. cross dressed in the *undergarments* of the opposite sex for a sexual
purpose? (This means that school plays, initiations, and the like
don't count.)
383. cross dressed in the *undergarments* of the opposite sex for a sexual
purpose in the presence of 1 or more other people? (Plays and the like
still don't count - this is for a sexual purpose).
384. stuffed your pants or bra while you were cross-dressed for your
sexual purpose?
385. had your head inserted into a urinal or toilet bowl willingly?
(Doing this in a pristine, show-room model does not count.)
386. worn groinal underwear on your head? (Panties, jock-strap, etc.)
387. eaten, sucked, licked, nibbled, or otherwise inserted a used, unwashed
piece of groinal underwear into your mouth while said underwear
was not being worn at the time?
388. deliberately sniffed or smelled a used, unwashed piece of groinal
underwear while it was not being worn at the time?
389. been gagged with someone's underwear? (not your own)
390. played in or with shit?
391. worn or used a condom or any feminine hygiene contraption that has
already been used by someone else?
__________________________________________________________________________
Section 10: Locality. 33 questions.
This section tries to figure out how many places you have done it. It
applies only to those situations in which you were with someone else.
Have you ever done any of the following:
392. necked or petted in a place of religion? (Church, temple, altar,
Grand Holy Cabbage Head Patch, etc.)
393. had sex or been involved in oral sex or mutual masturbation in a place
of religion?
394. necked or petted in a place of the dead? (Morgue, mortuary, cemetery,
etc.)
395. had sex or been involved in oral sex or mutual masturbation in a place
of the dead?
396. necked or petted in a contraption of the dead? (Coffin, hearse, body
bag, etc.)
397. had sex or been involved in oral sex or mutual masturbation in a
contraption of the dead?
398. had sex in/on a construction site (house, office, launch platform, etc.)?
399. necked or petted in a moderately sized, land/road-based vehicle of LESS
THAN 30,000 pounds net unladen gross weight? (car, station
wagon, van, minivan, minibus, fuckmobile, etc.)
400. had sex or been involved in oral sex or mutual masturbation in a
moderately sized, land/road-based vehicle of LESS THAN 30,000 pounds
net unladen gross weight?
401. necked or petted in a land/road-based vehicle of MORE THAN 30,000
pounds net unladen gross weight? (truck, tank, armored car, steam-
roller, crane, bulldozer, garbage truck, etc.)
402. had sex or been involved in oral sex or mutual masturbation in a
land/road-based vehicle of MORE THAN 30,000 pounds net unladen gross
weight?
403. had sex or been involved in oral sex or mutual masturbation in a land-
based, non road dependant vehicle? (Train, subway, roller-coaster,
monorail, Disneyland ride, etc.)
404. necked, petted, masturbated, been masturbated, or had sex or oral sex
in a water based, manual powered vehicular transport medium? (Rowboat,
surfboard, floating bathtub, etc.) (For this question it only counts if
the thing was in the water at the time.)
405. necked, petted, masturbated, been masturbated, or had sex or oral sex
in a water based, wind or propeller driven transport medium LESS THAN 80
feet in length? (Yacht, PT boat, windsurfer, Sunfish, etc.)
406. necked, petted, masturbated, been masturbated, or had sex or oral sex
in a water based, wind or propeller driven transport medium MORE THAN 80
feet in length? (Cruise ship, battleship, aircraft carrier, nuclear
submarine, etc.)
407. necked, petted, masturbated, been masturbated, or had sex or oral sex
in an aircraft? (Airplane, helicopter, hovercraft, balloon, zeppelin,
space shuttle, flying carpet, flying saucer, etc.)
408. had sex in a household room other than a bedroom?
409. had sex on the floor (but not the roof)?
410. had sex on any furniture that is indoors but is not a bed, table,
desk, counter-top, a nor anything that is predominantly used for
sitting or as a table/desk? (Television, washer/dryer, microwave, etc.)_
411. had sex, participated in oral sex, or participated in mutual
masturbation in a telephone booth, voting booth, automatic
photograph taker, or any such small, non-moving enclosure that was
not designed for such activities?
412. had sex, participated in oral sex, or participated in mutual
masturbation in an elevator, people-mover, escalator, dumbwaiter, or any
building-internal people moving device?
413. had sex, participated in oral sex, or participated in mutual
masturbation up a tree but not in a tree house or similar structure?
414. had sex, oral sex, mutual masturbation in a suspension device of some
kind (hammock, trampoline, tightrope, safety net, etc.)?
415. had sex, participated in oral sex, or participated in mutual
masturbation on the roof of a building in excess of 5 floors?
416. had sex, participated in oral sex, or participated in mutual
masturbation inside or within the confines of a hedge, bush, other
natural vegetation which can provide a wall effect, cave, rock
overhang, in a well, or any other secluded, outdoor, non-vegetative
shielding structure?
417. had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation in the snow? (Spring thaw is
acceptable.)
418. had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation in a place where the
prevailing, ambient temperature (of the air immediately surrounding
you) was below the freezing point of water?
419. had sex, participated in oral sex, or participated in mutual
masturbation in a place where you could have been discovered?
420. had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation in a water-filled
bathtub, hot tub, or under a shower or other running water (waterfall,
torrential downpour, monsoon, etc.)?
421. had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation in a body of water?
(swimming pool, swimming hole, pond, lake, lagoon, sea, ocean, etc.)
422. had sex on the beach (and the resultant sand in uncomfortable places)?
423. had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation in a bathroom of the
opposite sex?
424. gone to a motel (however sleazy) for the sole purpose of having sex?
_____________________________________________________________________
Section 11: Style. 76 questions.
Have you ever done any of the following:
425. watched while someone else masturbated?
426. been watched while masturbating?
427. orgasmed on somebody?
428. orgasmed in somebody if you are male, or had someone orgasm in you
if you are female?
429. had more than one person orgasm on you at once, or been one of several
people orgasming on someone else?
430. been involved in the use of a penis as a leash or bludgeoning
device?
431. been involved in oxygen deprivation for sexual enhancement?
(Nitrous oxide does not count.)
432. willingly made video tapes or had pictures taken while having sex,
oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
433. physically watched others having sex?
434. watched your partner of choice having sex, oral sex, or mutual
masturbation with someone else?
435. taken pictures or made video tapes of your partner of choice having sex,
oral sex, or mutual masturbation with someone else?
436. willingly made audio recordings while having sex, oral sex, or
mutual masturbation?
437. talked dirty while having sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
438. intentionally made more noise than necessary while having sex, oral
sex, or mutual masturbation so as to put on a good show for whoever
might have been listening in?
439. intentionally made "animal" noises during sex?
440. had a pet or domesticated animal walk over you or your partner while
you were involved in sex or oral sex?
441. had a general emergency arise while you were steeped in sex? (House on
fire, flash flood, hurricane, private plane crash lands in your
dwelling, etc.)
442. had your sexual technique/style/skill openly praised by someone?
443. taken nude pictures of someone else?
444. had nude pictures of you taken?
445. placed a personal ad?
446. answered a personal ad?
447. been involved in breast fucking? (aka "The Hawaiian Muscle Fuck")
448. participated in fist-fucking? (see "Caligula")
449. shaved someone's genital pubic hair (or had yours shaved) as part of a
sexual activity?
450. had sex for more than three hours in a single session of sex?
451. been bruised during sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
(hickies do not count.)
452. bruised someone else during sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
453. been injured during sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
454. orgasmed more than three times in one session of sex?
455. had sex so many times or for so long that one or both people involved
runs dry?
456. disturbed other people by making excessive noise while having sex?
457. had sex or mutual masturbation or received oral sex
while you were driving (the car or boat or whatever vehicle)?
458. had sex doggie fashion?
459. had sex in the female superior position?
460. had sex sitting up?
461. had sex standing up?
462. had sex upside-down?
463. gone through two or more sexual positions without the need for
re-entry?
464. fallen asleep during sex?
465. woken up to someone having sex with you?
466. had sex while one person was passed out or unconscious?
467. given or received a hickey on your upper inner thigh?
468. been on the receiving of anal sex?
469. been on the ramming end of anal sex (a dildo counts)?
470. had sex more than 10 times with 1 person?
471. had sex more than 5 times in a 24 hour period?
472. had sex more than 10 times in a 24 hour period?
473. had sex, participated in oral sex, or participated in masturbation
while someone other than your partner was watching?
474. had sex or oral sex while one or both of you were playing a musical
instrument, hacked, watched television, read, drawn or in other
words were preoccupied with something other than sex and lust?
475. performed oral sex after intercourse without washing or douching?
476. kissed your partner on the lips after oral sex without brushing
teeth, nor washing/gargling/rinsing out mouth?
477. inflicted pain during sex?
478. been involved in cunnilingus during the woman's period?
479. had sex during the woman's period?
480. foot masturbated someone?
481. been foot masturbated?
482. tongue bathed someone?
483. been tongue bathed?
484. licked or sucked on someone else's feet and/or toes?
485. had your feet and/or toes licked or sucked by someone else?
486. licked someone's anus?
487. licked someone's anus while they were defecating?
488. performed oral sex while the person was urinating?
489. drank your own urine?
490. tasted or drank someone else's urine?
491. drank/drained an entire bladder-full of someone else's urine?
492. drank human blood?
493. tasted someone else's nasal mucous?
494. been involved in a golden shower?
495. swallowed your partner's orgasmic secretions?
496. used the Purity Test as a checklist of things you could do?
497. ever done something for the sole purpose of lowering your Purity Test
score?
498. bought/read books to enhance sexual technique?
499. participated in Purity Testing with an ulterior motive?
500. become interested in someone only after hearing about their Purity Test
score?
_____________________________________________________________________
I. Scoring
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a sheet of paper containing
lots of itty-bitty answers to the Purity Test. Sworn to excellence of
workmanship, we now give you directions on how to calculate your Purity score.
There are several methods; the calculator method works best. Also there is the
a la mainframe method. (A DECsystem-2060 works great as a PC.)
Scoring method: Count "yes" answers.
Subtract that number from 500.
Divide the result by 5.
The result is your percentage purity.
The higher the number, the more pure you are; in the same vein, the lower the
score, the more of a sleaze-bag you are.
For your reference, we include calculator directions:
For people with real calculators (HP):
<# of NO answers> [ENTER] 5 /
For people with other (dinky) calculators:
<# of NO answers> / 5 =
______________________________________________________________________
II. Warranty Information
We hope that you have enjoyed this test. It does not come with a warranty, nor
does it guarantee that it will get you laid or make you somehow somewhat better
in bed or the haystack.
The makers of this test are not responsible for any liabilities or damages
resulting from this test, including but not limited to paternity suits. Ask
your doctor or pharmacist.
Do not open back panel; no user serviceable parts inside.
Propagate (this test) at will, even without the written permission of the
publisher; just don't edit or change it. In reproducing this test, the authors
of this test may exercise droit de seigneur over you, your immediate family, or
fiance(e). You may or may not have additional rights which may vary from state
to state (i.e. inebriated, ecstacy).
Not recommended for children under twelve. Parental guidance discouraged and
frowned upon. Pencils, additional paper, and batteries not included. Some
assembly may be required. Does not come with any other figures.
______________________________________________________________________
Drive carefully; 90% of the people in the world are caused by accidents.
The above is a public service announcement of this institution.
______________________________________________________________________
english.92smihailovic,
* Jezičke nedoumice :)
T H E I T A L I A N W H O W E N T T O M A L T A
( must be read with an Italian accent )
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat
brekfeast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me
only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet.
I say you no understand, I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you
better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the
lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a
spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me
everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on
the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma
bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits on my
bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to
toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you
better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you".
I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.
english.93dejanr,
Real programmers measure their productivity in NSLOC: Negative Source
Lines of Code:
"Here boss, this yard of printout was the whole system last month. This
inch of printout is the system today. Less to maintain, runs faster, and
now it fits on a 90k Atari 800 floppy. Hand over that raise."
-- David Phillip Oster -master of the ad hoc odd hack.
english.94dejanr,
Why do LADA's have heated rear windscreens?
To keep your hands warm when your pushing them.
What do you call a LADA with a sun-roof?
A skip.
A LADA on a highway is suddenly stopping. Closely behind is there a JAGUAR,
which crashes on it. And behind, a ROLLS-ROYCE, which crashes on the JAGUAR.
The ROLLS-ROYCE driver steps out of his car, and complains:
``You fool, my radiator grille is broken, it will cost me one day of income!''
Complains the JAGUAR driver:
``The front of my car is squeezed, it will cost me one month of salary!''
Says the LADA driver:
``My car is completely smashed, I will have to work one year pay myself a new
one!''
Answers the ROLLS-ROYCE driver:
``Fancy anyone buying such an expensive car?''
english.95dejanr,
He: "Your birthday is coming up, so i'd like some idea of what you'd like
for your birthday."
She: "I want a divorce!"
Pause.
He: "I'm really sorry, but I hadn't planned to spend that much."
english.96dejanr,
ABOUT AS ...
HOPELESS as trying to pick up salt with a plunger
INTERESTING as watching paint dry
INTERESTING as watching grass grow
OBVIOUS as a dog's dick
POPULAR as Stevie Wonder with a flame thrower
USELESS as a condom to a eunuch
WELCOME as a turd in a swimming pool
WELCOME as a pork sausage at a barmitzvah
SHARP as a bowling ball
english.97dejanr,
"fan-fucking-tastic" beats the fuck out of me what youcall this one!!
^^^^^^^
in this case, fucking is used as an interjection.
What's even more fuckingweird, is that (IMHK) FUCK is an acronym
(or _was_ an acronym) for "Fornication Under Carnal Knowledge"
where in the world did you get this? i once had a fellow try to tell
me that fuck was an acronym for "Fornication Under Consent of the
King". he claimed that the danish kings forbade the subjects from
fornicating unless they had consent from the king. i asked "at what
point did the danish people begin to speak english?" he simply looked
at me with a stupid, blank expression on his face.
according to the american heritage dictionary, the word fuck comes
from the germanic fokken, which means to penetrate.
OBJ: (i hope i haven't already posted this...)
a lonely woman places an ad in a local newspaper: "looking for a man
who won't beat me, won't run out on me, and is a good lover". after
several weeks, she has received nothing but crank calls, and inquiries
from obvious losers. she cancels the ad, and resigns herself to a
life of loneliness. a few weeks later, she is sitting (alone, of
course) in her living room when the doorbell rings. she has no idea
who it could be, so she opens the door to see a quadruple amputee on
her doorstep. "who are you, and what do you want?", she asks.
the man says "my name is matt" (no, this is not the
punchline), "and i'm here in answer to your ad." the woman is
confused for a moment, since she has forgotten all about the ad.
"see", the man says, "i have no arms, so i can't beat you".
"yes...i guess that's true" says the woman.
"and i have no legs, so i can't run out on you", he continues.
"well, i suppose that's true too", says the woman, "but the ad
also said that you have to be a good lover".
"how do you think i rang the doorbell?"
--
_______ ____________ _______________________________________________________
/ / _____ _ / / Jonathan Byrd !
/ / / _ / / \/ / jon@apollo.med.utah.edu !
____/ / / // / / / University of Utah School of Medicine !
\____/ /____/ /_/\_/ "Lord help me, I'm just not that bright" !
english.98dejanr,
in Article 27180 in rec.humor: From: ivan@dbaccess.com (Ivan Covdy)
ivan writes:
>Well, specialists say that the best way to understand a language is
>to understand its idioms, in particular, "bad", "dirty" words, curses
>and expressions. I don't have problems with such sort of Russian idioms
>and I'm eager to compare them with English/American ones.
ohhh boy!!!! can I be the first huh huh can i pleeaseee!!!!??????
Ivan, you've basically screwed up here for a number of reasons, most
of which deal with the amout of mail you're gonna get, but here's
a perfect example
FUCK. one of those neato things about americanese, is that FUCK can
serve the purpose of all major forms of words. examples:
"I don't give a fuck" or "what a great fuck" used as a noun
"I want to fuck her/him" or "the IRS fucked me again" VERB
"fuck off" or "fuck you" is actually a NERB or a VOUN depending.
"the system is fucked" Nomitave Adj.
"It's fucking hot today" Adjective.
"fan-fucking-tastic" beats the fuck out of me what youcall this one!!
What's even more fuckingweird, is that (IMHK) FUCK is an acronym
(or _was_ an acronym) for "Fornication Under Carnal Knowledge"
Since I never claimed to be an english major, I'm probably wrong on
lots of spelling, punctuation, and structure rules. But, (watch and
learn one example of the proper use of the word, ivan) if you
want to flame me for it, TAKE A FLYING-FUCKING-LEAP!!!!!!! (adverb).
see kiddies? isn't americanesse fun? isn't the net educational? can
you say "wasted bandwith"? I knew you could!!!!!!
/----------------------------------------------------------------------------\
! Scott "gaspo" Gasparian - Teenage Mutant Ninja Technician ! "back user!"!
! Supercomputer Computations Research Institute !\ ,_ _/\ !
! 400 SCL, F.S.U., Tallahassee, FL 32306-4052 !/ _/ '__ \!
! gaspo@ds1.scri.fsu.edu ! "I do NOT do lunch, I do NOT !!/ / ,," __o/!
! gaspo@scri1.scri.fsu.edu ! wear 'power ties', and I do ! \_\!_\, / !
! (904) 644-4277 / 222-5630 ! NOT EVER do COBOL! Get it?!" ! /+-+-\ _/\_ !
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------/
english.99dejanr,
A teacher tells her students to find something on tv to watch to help
them learn sex ed. The next day, she asks for volunteers to tell the
class what they learned.
Susie raises her hand. "I watched a documantary on babies, and I learned
that you have to have sex to have a baby."
"That's wonderful," the teacher replied. "Next?"
Billy said, "I watched General Hospital, and I learned that you should
really love someone before you have sex with them."
"That's great. Anyone else?"
Little Johnny answers, "I watched a Lone Ranger show. A bunch of cattle
rustlers had kidnapped Tonto, and as the Lone Ranger was going to save
him, he was bushwhacked by the rustlers. The Lone Ranger pulled out his
gun and shot every one of them."
The teacher said, "That's nice Johnny, but what does that have to do
with sex?"
Little Johnny replied, "It taught those cattle rustlers not to fuck
with the Lone Ranger!"
english.100dejanr,
A kindergarten teacher decided to introduce her class to a variety of
different foods. (Anyone who has kids can tell you how hard it is to get them
to try anything different). The first week she decided to feature a different
meat at each lunch hour. The first day was chicken. "OK, who can tell me
what kind of meat this is?", she asked her class. "Chicken!", the class
shouted back. "Very good," she said, "Now where do we get chicken?" "From
chickens!" the class replied. The next day the "mystery meat" was beef. "OK,
who can tell me what kind of meat this is?", she again asked her class.
"Beef!", the class again shouted out their answer. "Very good," she said,
"Now where do we get beef?" "From cows!" the class replied. "Very good!"
she told her class. The next day was lamb, and then ham. And on both days
the class was able to recognize both the meat and it's source. So on Friday
the teacher decided to throw her class a curve and brought in venison, which
she was reasonably sure the class had not had before. Sure enough when she
asked the class what kind of meat they were having, no one knew. Although a
lot of guesses were made, no one mentioned of venison, so the teacher decided
to give her class a little hint. "Think about what your mother calls your
father," she helpfully told her class. "Eeaugh!", the kids started to yell,
jumping up and down. "Spit it out! It's assholes!"
english.101dejanr,
An elementary teacher was trying to get her class started.
She asked everyone, "Who can make a sentence using the word
before?" Well, most of the class raised their hands. The
teacher said, "Okay, good. Let's hear some of these sentences."
"What is your sentence, Carol."
Carol answered, "I brush my hair before I go to sleep."
The teacher said, "Very good Carol, very good." "Now, how
about you David."
David answers, "I do my homework before I go outside to play
after school."
The teacher says, "That's excellent David and good advice to
others in the class." "Now how about just one more. How about
you LeRoy."
LeRoy thinks about for a second and then answers with
confidence, "Two and two befo."
Please send replies.
==========================
Two elephants were taking a shower. The one on the RIGHT
asked the one on the LEFT to please pass the soap. And
the elephant on the LEFT responded,
"No soap, radio."
Two polar bears were sitting on an iceberg, when one
fell off. So the other one went to buy pretzels.
Two elephants were riding down the road in an MG
when the elephant who was driving asked his companion
to reach into the glove compartment and get him a cigar.
The other elephant rooted around in the glove box
and answered,
"Pretzels, but sorry, no cigar."
english.102dejanr,
This joke has had me laughing for years. Now if I only knew why:
These two porcupines are taking a bath. One says to the other:
"Pass the soap."
The other replies:
"What do I look like, a typewriter?"
OK, OK, it's not funny now. BUT, do what I did:
1). Tell the joke incessantly for a week.
2). Stop telling it for a week.
3). Wait until you are around your friends (that is, the ones who
will still come within earshot after step 1).), say
about 2 or 3 a.m. Tell the joke. Dodge projectiles.
99 This will lead to one of two things:
A). Your friends will consider you a comedic genius, having just
expended a fortenight on a joke of no meaning. Lauds
will be heaped upon you. Relish in your glory.
B). None of your friends (even those who survived the onslaught
of step 1).) will ever come near you, freeing yourself
to ponder the joke, trying in vain to find some meaning
in it. Develop a twitch. Put in some quality time at
one of our numerous facilities reseved for troubled family
members. Emerge as one with the universe. Use phrases
like "I'm FINE now. I'm MUCH better now." Then tell the
joke again. Goto 99.
People have wasted their lives on less important dreck. Don't be
such an old stick in the mud. If nothing else, you can establish
a pattern of behavior that would allow you to assassinate the political
figure of your choice. Remember, Quayle could be president some day.
-- bemo
english.103dejanr,
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you that day.
==========================
Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came
across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally
getting really mean. The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it
turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and
ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.
A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told
his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of
the bear, in order to destroy it. Soon, they came across two bears, one male,
and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell
me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready
to shoot.
"I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar."
"QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger.
"O.k.," said the other, "it was the male."
The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off.
Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found
the body of the other man.
"But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate
my friend?" the other man asked.
"Well," said the ranger, "I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in
the male."
english.104dejanr,
One day, a young priest in St. John's, Newfoundland, finds himself in the
situation of having to hear confessions. He has never done this before,
and so he is given a list of what to give out as penance. A woman comes
into the confessional and begins: "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
The priest replies: "What is your sin, my child?" "I have told lies", she
says. The priest consults his list and sees that the required penance is
two Hail Mary's. "Anything else, my child?", he says. "Father, I've committed
fellatio," she replies. The priest scans the list and panics because he
cannot find fellatio! He sticks his head out of the door of the confessional
and sees an alter boy passing by. "Quick, what does Father Brown give for
fellatio?" he asks. The boy replies: "Ten dollar."
==========================
Q: Why was Jesus NOT born in Poland?
A: God couldn't find 3 wise men!
==========================
Paddy O'Shea got friendly with some of the local Boston Irish, and they
took him to an upscale "Irish" pub.
"Amazin', just amazin', that's what America is," he said, looking with
delight into his glass. "Never have I been seein' an ice cube with a
hole in it!"
"Oi sure have," said his host, Michael Sullivan. "Bin married to one fer
fifteen year."
==========================
Sean O'Malley, a plumber by profession, was called by a lady with an
Emergency in Her Bathroom. Arriving at the scene, he turned off the
water with a sigh, and replaced the faucet washer, ending the Emergency.
The lady was nice-looking, and lonely to boot, so before long Sean was
helping her to heat up the bedroom.
About four-thirty, the telephone rang, and after she hung up, the lady
told Sean: "That was my husband. He'll be home in about half an hour,
but he'll be leaving on a business trip to Chicago this evening at
seven. Why don't you come back at about seven-thirty, and we'll continue
where we left off?"
"Saints!" exclaimed Sean, aghast. "On me own time?"
==========================
Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
what's wrong."
english.105dejanr,
Man A: So how was your honeymoon?
Man B: Very good until the morning after waking up, I forgot and said
to my wife "You are wonderful, here is $100".
Man A: It is not that bad, she might not know that you thought her as
a hooker.
Man B: I know, but my wife then gave me back $50 and said "Here is your
change".
------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: (Seriously ill) Before I die, I want to tell you the truth.
You know our 6 children ... the youngest son, he ...
Husband: I know you want to say he is not my son, well that is ok,
I can forgive you about that.
Wife: No, he is your son, but the other 5 children are not.
------------------------------------------------------------
"Ahhhh, Sean," said Micheal McStain, "how'd ye be comin' by that
glorious black eye, me lad?"
Sean O'Malley shook his head and replied, "'Tis the damndest thing. I
was over at Molly's house, dancin' with the lovely lass, when her father
walked in."
"An' old Master Callahan is thinkin' that dancin' is an evil thing,
cured by a black eye, is that it?"
"Na, na, Micheal. The old man's deaf, an' couldn't hear th' music."
------------------------------------------------------------
"Hello, Pan American Airlines?" said Big Mick Lonegan. "Could ye be
tellin' me how long it takes to fly from Boston to Dublin?"
The voice on the telephone said "I'll see sir, just a minute."
"Ahh, 'tis fast. Thank ye," Mick said as he hung up.
english.106dejanr,
"I saw a horrible accident on the way to the club tonight...Two taxicabs
collided and 30 scotsmen were killed..."
==========================
The folks at Apple's in-house corporate television production department
were quite pleased with themselves today. Someone needed some random
videotape footage for editing practice, so one of the engineers started
taping the feed from the space shuttle. He got lucky, catching a shuttle
occupant with a Mac Portable on his lap, and when he ejected a diskette it
emerged from the machine and drifted straight across the room (ah, the
wonders of weightlessness).
The TV folks were showing this footage to anyone who blundered into their
territory. Even John Sculley got a peek.
Frankly, I didn't know the shuttle had enough oomph to lift a
Mac Portable into orbit.
==============================================================================
Don Cameron ! From the Heart of Silicon Valley,
hplabs!hpda!dcc or dcc@hpda.hp.com ! one of the Earth's Foremost
Hewlett-Packard California Language Lab ! Consumers of Pocket Protectors
==============================================================================
Standard disclaimers apply. In addition, my company has no opinion on the
weight of a Mac Portable, or whether Arnold Schwarzenegger uses one to work
out when barbells aren't available.
english.107dejanr,
Q: Why did the couple stop after three children?
A: Because they read that every fourth child born is Chinese.
Q: What's a definition of an orgy?
A: A party where everyone comes.
==========================
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke amongst themselves, saying:
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said:
"It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying:
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying:
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another:
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him:
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the
company, with powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
This is how Shit happens.
english.108dejanr,
Eating a steak dinner in a nice restaurant near Sydney.
The waiter approaches.
Waitor: "How's your meat?"
Me: : "Just fine."
Waitor: "And how about the steak?"
==========================
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a
tragic car accident ended their lives.
When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for
them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in
life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and
agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them.
They were married in a simple ceremony.
So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in
this time, that eternity was best not spent together.
They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy
forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences.
Is there any way we can get divorced?"
"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get
a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"
english.109dejanr,
Q: What's black, has two legs, and flies?
A: A bird.
Q: What's black, has four legs and flies?
A: Two pairs of trousers.
Q: What's black, has four wheels and flies?
A: A dustcart.
==========================
A cucumber and a tomato meet in a saladbar.
Cucumber: Gee, how come you look so red?
Tomato: I saw the salad dressing.
==========================
A guy walks into a bar and sits down on the barstool.
"Hey, barthendther, gifth me a beeer."
The bartender walks over with a tall cool one,
"Here'sth your beeer."
The other guy sits up straight,
"Heey, you're imithating mee."
"No, I talk thith way too."
"Okay, I guesth itth okay."
Later a big burly guy walks in and sits down at the other end of the bar.
"Yo, ba-tender. Gimme a beer."
The bartender responds,
"One beer comin' up, man."
The little guy gets ticked off and yells,
"Heey, you were imithathing mee!!"
The bartender comes over close and replies,
"No, I wasth imithathing the other guy."
==========================
Q: Why is it good to have Alzheimer's Disease?
A: You can hide your own Easter Eggs!
==========================
A piece of bacon and a sausage are in a frying pan being cooked. The
sausage says ``It's hot in here, isn't it!'', and the bacon replies
``Wow! A talking sausage!''.
english.110dejanr,
A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS
1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
valuable scientific objectivity.
2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to
uphold.
4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight
into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any
mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
explained in terms that you would understand.
6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your
means.
9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT
IN THE COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
english.111dejanr,
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he
slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
==========================
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea
pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes
another one!"
==========================
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a
train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that,
in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever
tasted it?
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion,
too...I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...."
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed
once or twice."
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he
was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
english.112dejanr,
Medical Terminology for the Layman
------------------------------------
Artery -- The study of fine paintings
Barium -- What you do when CPR fails
Cesarean Section -- A district in Rome
Colic -- A sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
Dilate -- To live longer
Fester -- Quicker
G. I. Series -- Baseball games between teams of soldiers
Grippe -- A suitcase
Hangnail -- A coat hook
Medical Staff -- A doctor's cane
Minor Operation -- Coal digging
Morbid -- A higher offer
Nitrate -- Lower than the day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Organic -- Musical
Outpatient -- A person who has fainted
Post-operative -- A letter carrier
Protein -- In favor of young people
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Serology -- Study of English knighthood
Tablet -- A small table
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose veins -- veins that are close together
==========================
Sang froid is when you find your SO in bed with someone else, and
you shoot them both in cold blood.
Savoir faire is when you find your SO in bed with someone else, but
you laugh because today is *your* turn with the hamster.
==========================
Q: Why do computers manage to do things so quickly?
Anonymous Secretary: They don't have to answer the phone.
==========================
A guy was lost on the Mall by the Washington Monument. He stopped a
policeman and asked, "What side is the State Dept. on?"
The cop answered: "Ours, I hope."
==========================
Someone had scrawled the following on a wall at a college somewhere:
Is there intelligent life on Earth?
A week or so later someone else tacked on:
Yes, but we're only stopping to refuel.
==========================
The crime problem is so bad in this city, the mayor's had to
designate school-free drug zones.
==========================
Q: Where did Prince Charles spend his honeymoon?
A: Indiana.
==========================
Stupid commercial.
Sears says Kenmore appliances are found in one out of two homes in
America. I wonder which two homes they took the survey at?
==========================
"What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?"
"I don't know, what?"
"Popeye beat the shit out of him!"
==========================
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.
==========================
"My wife just got pregnant... She took seriously what was poked at her in fun!"
==========================
Little old lady at US immigration.
OFFICIAL: Do you advocate the overthrow of the government by violence or
subversion?
(Pause for thought)
LITTLE OLD LADY: Violence, I think.
==========================
Overheard in a Hollywood bar,
Actress 1: "At one time my breasts were insured for $2 million".
Actress 2: "Did you get the money?".
english.113dejanr,
Q: What are the four words you don't want to hear while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home!"
3
Seen on a T-shirt on a recent trip to Cancun, Mexico:
HE'S DEAD JIM
QUICK! YOU GRAB HIS TRICORDER!
I'LL GRAB HIS WALLET!
==========================
I found this blurb in the USAir Gift Catalog ("This catalog is yours to keep.
Please take it with you!") recently. Quoted without permission:
E. GOPHER-IT
Prevent damage to garden and lawns from burrowing rodents
with Gopher-It, the electronic stake that emits vibration
and sound that's intensely annoying to underground rodents
up to 100 feet in diameter.
Requires 4 "D" batteries, not included.
#26284 Gopher-It $49.95 (3.95)
I suppose for rodents of greater than 100 feet in diameter you need the
nuclear powered version.
==========================
Q: How many ears does Mr. Spock have?
A: 3. A Left Ear, a Right Ear, and a Final Front Ear!
==========================
Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A: A dog that rips your leg off then runs for help.
==========================
A brontosaurus is a salamander designed to Military Specifications.
==========================
Many an American tourist around Windsor Castle have been heard asking:
"Why did they build it so close to the airport?"
english.114dejanr,
A man in a Porsche 911 stops at a stoplight and a guy on a scooter pulls up
next to him. The guy on the scooter leans over and takes an admiring look at
the inside of the Porsche and tells the driver that he has a really hot car.
Well, the light turned green so the driver of the Porsche decides to show off
and peels out and leaves the guy on the scooter in the dust. Then, all of a
sudden, he sees the scooter zip on past him. So, being a little cocky, the
Porsche driver floors it again and blows past the guy on the scooter. A few
seconds later, he again sees the scooter zip on past him. So now he's a little
irate as well as a little mifted that that scooter keeps passing him so he
floors it until he is going over 100 mph. He thinks to himself that there
would be no way that scooter could catch him now, but then looks in the
rearview mirror and sees that scooter starting to catch up. He then decides to
find out what that scooter really is and slams on his breaks. Then the scooter
crashes into the Porsche. After the dust settled, the Porsche driver sees the
scooter driver lying in the road and goes over to him and askes how he could
go as fast as the Porsche on a little wimpy scooter...
The dying man replied, "I can't really, but my suspenders were caught on
your side mirror...."
english.115dejanr,
During his visit to the US pope John Paul II had a meeting with a senator.
The senator asked the pope, "Your Holiness, how do you find our
country?"
The pope replied "I love it! It's a wonderful country! Friendly
people, blessed with an abundance of natural resources..." and so on and
so forth.
The senator continued, "Is there anything about our country that you
*don't* like? I am, after all a United States senator, and maybe I could
change some things."
The pope thought a while, and said "Now that you mention it, there are two
things about your country that I do not like".
The senator asked, "What are they? Maybe I can help."
The pope answered, "The first thing I don't like about your country is
the large number of Polish jokes told. They make my countrymen out to
be a bunch of idiots!"
The senator said, "I have a solution for that! When I get back to
Washington, I'll get together with some of my Senate colleagues and
we'll pass a bill, which I'm sure will become law, that will make it a
Federal crime to tell a Polish joke, and anyone caught telling a Polish
joke will be fined fifty dollars. How do you like that?"
The pope replied "Great idea! I love it!"
The senator asked "Now why don't you tell me the second thing
you don't like about the US? Maybe I can do something about it as well."
The pope answered "M & M's."
The senator, a bit confused, asked "M & M's??? What's not to like about
M & M's???"
The Pope replied "They're hard to peel!"
english.116dejanr,
There were two young brothers talking in their backyard waiting for their
mother to make them lunch. One is four the other is three.
4: "I'm getting pretty old now, I think I can start cussing."
3: "Oh yeah?"
4: "Yeah, I think I am going to start saying 'damn' whenever I feel like it."
3: "You know what?"
4: "What?"
3: "I think I am getting pretty old, I'm going to start cussing too."
4: "Oh yeah? what are you going to say?"
3: "I'm going to say 'ass'"
Then their mother calls them in for lunch.
The mother asks the four year old: "What do you want for lunch?"
4: "Oh, damn, I think I'll have some spaghetti-o's"
At this point, the mother was aghast. She quickly took the four year old by
the ear to the bathroom, washed his mouth out with soap, spanked him and put
him in his room and slammed the door.
She returned to the kitchen and asked the three year old: "What do you want
for lunch?"
3: "I don't know mom, but you can bet your ass it wont be spaghetti-o's!!!'
english.117dejanr,
A businessman called home, at noon one day, but the maid answered. When
the man asked to speak to his wife, the maid replied, "She's upstairs in
the bedroom entertaining her boyfriend". After sputtering and fuming for
a minute, the businessman asked, the maid if she would like to make
$100,000 for a few minutes work, she said. "Of course, what do I have to
do?", He answered, "Take my shotgun from the closet and shoot the both of
them.", The phone was put down, he heard footsteps proceeding upstairs,
then two shots rang out, followed by footsteps back downstairs to the
phone. The maid said, "Okay, it's done. What shall I do with the bodies?"
The man said, "Take them out back and throw them into the pool", The maid
responded, "What pool?" After a moment of silence, he said, "Isn't this
555-3724?"
==========================
Q: How do you blind a Chinese person?
A: Put a windshield in front of him.
english.118dejanr,
Cheer Up... Here's Your Horrorscope
AQUARIUS: January 20 - February 18
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You
lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and
impractical, which causes you to make the same mistake over and over again.
People think you are stupid.
PISCES: February 19 - March 20
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
the CIA or FBI. You have a minor influence over your associates and people
resent you for flaunting it at peers. You lack confidence and are generally
a coward. Pisces people do horrible things to small animals.
ARIES: March 21 - April 19
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.
TAURUS: April 20 - May 20
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and
work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are
a communist.
GEMINI: May 21 - June 20
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you
are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little.
This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.
CANCER June 21 - July 22
You are sympathetic and understanding toward other people's problems.
They think you are a sucker. You're always putting things off. That's why
you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancers.
LEO: July 23 - August 22
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most
Leos are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance
is disgusting. Leos are known thieves.
VIRGO: August 23 - September 22
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is
sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall
asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
LIBRA: September 23 - October 22
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality.
Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women make
good prostitutes. All Libra die of veneral disease.
SCORPIO: October 23 - November 21
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You achieve the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpios are
murdered.
Job PCN (queue SYS$BATCH, entry 806) completed
SAGITARIUS: November 22 - December 21
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendancy to
rely on luck, since you lack talent. The majority of Sagitarians are drunks
or dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal.
CAPRICORN: December 23 - January 19
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of
anything and are lazy. There has never been born a Capricorn of any importance.
Capricorns should avoid standing still too long, as they tend to root.
english.119dejanr,
Back in the Good Old Days, when Dudley Fuzz was whooping it up in college,
he was standing at a bar one evening, when a lady of enticing appearance ap-
proached him and suggested that they have a drink. Dudley said, "Well, I'm no
John D. Rockefeller, but I'll buy."
After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance. Dudley smiled and said,
"I'm no Fred Astaire, but I'll give it a whirl."
Later, she suggested that they go up to her room. "I'm no Cary Grant," replied
Dudley, "but I'll follow you up there."
They leave and go to the lady's apartment. They have another drink, then do
what had been on their minds all evening, anyway.
Afterward, the lady says, "What about some money?"
Dudley shot back, "Well, I'm no gigolo, but I'll take it!"
english.120dejanr,
Kentucky Fried Chicken publicity department comes up with a new way to
promote sales. Change the words of the Lord's prayer to read:
"Give us each day our daily CHICKEN..."
They arrange an audience with the pope to propose the change. Naturally
the pope is luke-warm to the idea, so to sweeten the deal the Kentucky
Fried representative offers to make a large contribution to the catholic
church.
The pope once again considers the proposal and rejects it. The Kentucky
Fried rep now proposes to feed the starving millions and make an even
larger contribution to the church. Now the pope is interested but
that he must get the approval of the Vatican council first.
So at the next meeting of the bishops the pope starts off the meeting:
"I have some good news, and some bad news."
"The bad news is that we will be losing the Wonder Bread account....."
english.121dejanr,
Three guys walked slowly, enjoying the nice weather, on a huge glacier.
Then suddenly one of the guys fell into a deep hole in the ice.
"We're gonna get some help!" one of the others said.
Then the two men walked away to find help.
After several miles, they met the Red Cross, and they
agried to save their comrad.
Eventually they found him, and shouted down:
"Hey! This is the Red Cross!"
And he replied: "I am already a supporter, thank you!"
english.122dejanr,
A traveling salesman got an audience with the pope. He said: "Hey father
have you heard the joke about the two Polacks who______." "My son," said the
pope, I'm Polish!" The salesman thought for a minute, then said: "Okay,
I'll tell it very slowly..."
==========================
Did you know that 4 out of 10 accidents are caused by drunk drivers?
Therefore you have less chance of getting into an accident if you're
driving drunk then if driving sober.
==========================
mail write !zsdsz
The reason computer chips are so small
is that computers don't eat much.
==========================
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
==========================
Q: Why are Mexican steering wheels so small?
A: Handcuffs only stretch so far.
==========================
While critiquing a survey instrument intended for mothers of infants
less than one year old, I came across the following question:
Have you ever breast fed your baby?
a) Yes b) No c) Don't Know
==========================
Q: How does a blind parachutist know when he is about to land?
A: The lead goes slack!
==========================
My favorite exam mistake is:
The Hydra moves by swinging its testicles
english.123dejanr,
You Know When It's Going To Be A Bad Day When
---------------------------------------------
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.....................
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.............
You get to work and find a 60 minutes news team waiting in your office..
You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of
...............................................................the city.
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind thirty-two hell's angels..
Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a
.............................................grapefruit down the toilet.
You realized that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead
...........................................................of deodorant.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture................
Your husband says "good morning Mary"..........and your name is Sharon.
You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight
...and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.
Your doctor tells you you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies.
You have to borrow from you mastercard to pay your visa.........
Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.
You compliment the boss'es wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't
............................................................wearing any.
People think you are 40............................and you really are.
You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar
...............................................................is yours.
english.124dejanr,
The same cowboy rides into another town, goes into a bar, has a beer,
walks outside and finds his horse has been stolen. He walks into the
bar, and fires his gun through the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU MOTHERS
STOLE MY HOSS?" he yells. No-one answers. "ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE
ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M
GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS". He gets another beer, walks outside,
and his horse is back, so he get's on it and makes to ride out of
town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks "Say partner,
what happened in Texas?". The cowboy turns to him and says "I had to
bloody walk home..."
==========================
A cowboy rides into town, hitches up his horse and walks into a bar.
He goes up, gets a beer, drinks it, and walks out. Half a second
passes and he bursts back into the bar and says "ALRIGHT WHICH ONE OF
YOU MOTHERS PAINTED MY HORSE'S FACE YELLOW?". A huge man-mountain
stands up, looks down at the cowboy and says "I DID". The cowboy
looks up at him and whispers "The first coat's dry"
==========================
Two boys arguing on the sidewalk:
My dad's smarter than your dad!
NO HE'S NOT! My dad's stronger than your dad!
NO HE'S NOT! My mom's better than your mom!
Well, you got me there. That's what my dad says too.
english.125dejanr,
As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted
two figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road.
The driver blew his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued
their love making, in spite of his warnings. The truck finally slid to a
halt barely three inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" The driver
shouted at them. "You could have been killed." The man stood up and faced
the driver. "Well, I was coming, she was coming and you were coming," He
panted, "And you were the only one with brakes."
english.126dejanr,
It's Good Friday and Jesus is getting crucified on top of the hill. Down
at the bottom are Peter, Mary, and the rest of his gang.
Suddenly Jesus moans: "Peter, Peter...".
Peter runs up to the top of the hill (pant, pant) saying, "Yes Lord, what is
it Lord?".
Just as he reaches the top, a roman soldier lashes out and chops his right
arm off, then kicks him all the way back to the bottom.
After several minutes, Jesus moans again: "Peter... Peter...".
Peter quickly runs up the hill, saying "Yes Lord, what's the matter Lord?",
"Peter... Peter... I can see your house from here... "
english.127dejanr,
It was in africa, and a camera crew has been assigned to get coverage
of the World Famous Gorilla Wrestler at work. The camera crew is in
the truck with him and his dog, and they come across a small tree.
The guy says to them, "Just wait here, i'll be right back". He climbs
the tree, wrestles with the gorilla for a while, then throws it to the
ground. Quick as a flash, the man's dog jumps on the poor animal, and
has sex with it until it faints. The man throws it in the back of the
van, and the get to a medium sized tree, with a medium sized gorilla,
and the same thing happens. Then they're driving along, and there is
a huge tree with an absolutely massive gorilla in it, and the man
hands the camera-man a gun. "What's this for?" the camera man asks.
"Well, there's a small chance that i might lose the battle here, and
if i do... Shoot the dog..."
english.128dejanr,
One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up.
When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"
"I got into a fight with the apartment manager."
"Whatever for?"
"He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"
"Hmmm. I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Green on the third floor."
english.129dejanr,
A student walks into a car showroom and after a long talk with a
salesman, he picks the car he wants to buy.
``Do you have the cash to pay for it, Sir, or will you be making
a hire purchase agreement?''
``I'll buy it on HP, thanks.''
So the student dictates his details to the salesman, who fills in the HP
application. Then, to the salesman's astonishment, he signs at the
bottom of the form with a big cross and a little cross.
``What are these crosses?''
``Well, the big cross is my name and the little cross is `BSc Agriculture'.''
english.130dejanr,
Man walks into a Moscow Lada dealership and signs up for a Lada.
Customer: When will it be delivered?
Dealer: 1996.
Customer: What month?
Dealer (after looking up book): April.
Customer: What day?
Dealer (after looking up book): 12th.
Customer: What time?
Dealer (now getting pissed off): What time?! It's in 6 years time and
you ask what time. Why?
Customer: I've got a plumber coming in the morning.
english.131dejanr,
Reminds me of:
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding and are suddenly surrounded by Indians,
all
pointing bows at them. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and says
"Boy are we in trouble!" Tonto turns and says
"What 'we', white man?"
or
Decades later the Lone Ranger gets curious and looks up Komosabe. It reads
"Horses rear." What the...?
(second WAS a far side.. I don't know about the first)
english.132dejanr,
>The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding and are suddenly surrounded by Indians,
all pointing bows at them. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and says
>"Boy are we in trouble!" Tonto turns and says
>"What 'we', white man?"
Give me a break!! This joke is the origin of the famous line:
"What do you mean we, paleface?"
english.133dejanr,
A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent
on seeing the Pope. There he was stood in a big long queue with
a rather expensive suit on - hoping the Pope would notice how
smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.
As the Pope made his way slowly down the queue, he walked right
passed the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped
next to a tramp, leaned over and whispered something in the tramp's
ear, and made his way on again.
This pisses-off the American and so agrees to pay 1000 dollars to
the tramp in exchange for his suit, in the hope that the Pope will
speak to him the next day.
The next morning the American is stood in the queue, waiting to see
the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making
his way slowly up to the American, and when he finally reached him,
leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his hear, saying:
"I thought I told you to fuck off."
english.134dejanr,
Q: What's the oldest airline company?
A: FINNAIR: when Jesus went to heaven, He didn't ascend on a cloud,
He just vanished in FINNAIR.
==========================
Gladstone: "You will either be shot for treason, or die of a grievous
disease!"
Disraeli: "That depends, sir, on whether I embrace your morals or your
mistress!"
==========================
mail write !zsdsz
Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost on the prarie one day. The Lone
Ranger, says to Tonto: "Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this
mess." Tonto bends down and puts his ear to the ground. He turns and says
to the Lone Ranger "Buffalo come." the Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "How do
you know?", Tonto says, "Ear sticky."
==========================
One day, Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the
tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in
the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the
green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the
fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and
chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over
the fairway and heads for the watertrap. But just before it falls into
the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish
is falling back down to the water, and eagle swoops down and grabs the
fish in its claws. The eagle flies off, and when it is over the green,
a lighting bolt shoots from the sky and hits the eagle. Startled, the
eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out
of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus turns to
the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop screwing around, we won't
bring you next time."
english.135dejanr,
A young mother had just given birth to a new born baby, the nurse was just
congratulating her, when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to
hand. The mother looked startled. The doctor then said
"Here catch."
And promptly tossed the baby to the mother, but it landed on the window
ledge and fell out the window. The lady shrieked and said,
"You bastard, you've killed my baby!"
The doctor replied:
"April Fool, it was dead already!"
==========================
How many South African policemen does it take to break an egg?
None. It fell down the stairs.
==========================
The Pope is on his 1988 tour of America, in the middle of his 3 day bash in
New York. On the second day, he is driving back to his motel after a heavy
days bible bashing. It suddenly occurs to him that he is a little peckish
and so he decides to go for something to eat. Out of the corner of his eye
he notices 'Mel's Diner' and immediately pulls over. He hops out, kisses
the ground a couple of times and then goes in and sits down.
A sleazy waitress wanders over, notices who he is and then straightens
herself up.
"Yes you Holiness, what would you like?"
The Pope thought for a while.
"Well daughter, I have this terrible craving for a nice steak."
"Sure Mac, er I mean of course your Holiness. Would you like it well done,
medium or rare?"
"Oh. I think I'd like a very rare one please."
The waitress raised her arm.
"One bloody steak, Mel!" she shouted.
The Pope was horrified.
"Oh no my daughter, you musn't swear. There is no call for it!"
"But you don't understand, father, bloody describes how you will get the
steak. Very rare."
The Pope smiled.
"I understand. How stupid of me."
A little later, the Pope's steak arrived and he got stuck in. It was
gorgeous and he went to bed that night feeling satiated.
The next day, the Pope had had an even bigger God-squading session and was
helped by 31 of his cardinals. Afterwards, he called his cardinals together.
"Right Lads, as you've done a really good job today, I'll treat you to a
bit of nosh at this place I know. You'll like it I'm sure".
So the Pope took his cardinals to the diner and sat down. He called to
the waitress.
"Can I have 32 bloody steaks please!"
Immediately one of the cardinals slapped his knee...
"Hey yeah! And plenty of fucking chips okay? "
==========================
Johnny and Jim are walking through the desert. Suddenly, a snake bites
Jim's prick! AAIIIIIII!! He panics, and John panics. What can we do?
We should call for a doctor.
WHAMMM ! Suddenly, in the middle of the desert, there's a telephone
box. Johnny goes in, calls a doctor.
RING, RING. RING, RING.
J: My friend is bitten by a snake. What to do?
D: What kind of snake?
J: A one meter, green-yellow one.
D: Aye, aye.
J: ?
D: Those are very dangerous.
J: What can we do?
D: The only thing you can do, is to suck the poison out. Otherwise
your friend will be dead within half an hour.
Johnny hangs up, goes out off the telephone box. Jim, pale looking
already, asks what the doctor said.
Johnny: You'll be dead within half an hour.
=========================
mail write !zsdsz
How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear?
Ring him up while he's ironing.
english.136dejanr,
There was a businessman, and he was feeling really crook, and he went
to see the Doctor about it. The doctor says to him "Well, it must be
your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?" and the man replies "Well,
actually, i only eat peas, i hate all other green foods". The doctor
was quite shocked at this and says "Well man, that's your problem, all
those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them
up!!". The guy says "But how long for, i mean i really like peas!"
and the doctor replies "Forever, i'm afraid". The man is quite
shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition
improves, so he realises that he will never eat a pea again. Anyway,
one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and
getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says "Well, ashully, i'd
love a cigarrette, cozi avint ad a smoke in four years, i gave it up".
Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really, i haven't had a
game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so i
gave it up!" and the businessman says "Thas nuvving, i haven't ad a
pea in 6 years" and the barman jumps up screaming "Ok, everyone who
can't swim, grab a table...."
==========================
Q: Which is the odd one out - a baked bean, a soya bean or a vibrator?
A: The baked bean - the other two are meat substitutes!
english.137dejanr,
As a little girl is coming out of school, a man pulls up in his car, winds
down the window and says to her
"I'll give you a sweet if you'll get in the car with me."
The little girl says "No, I not getting in the car."
The next day the man pulls up again, winds down the window and says
"I'll give you two sweets if you'll get in the car with me."
The little girl says "No, I not getting in the car."
The third day the man pulls up and offers her a whole bag of sweets if she
will get into the car.
"No Dad", replies the girl, "There's no way I'm getting into
the Lada!"
==========================
Q. What is long, hard, and carries seamen?
A. A submarine.
==========================
"Don't cry darling, Daddy had to drown the cat."
"Yes I know, but he promised I could do it."
==========================
On the wall of the women's restroom in the Enterprise:
"Where no man has gone before."
==========================
Dear Son,
I am writing this slow, 'cause I know you can't read fast.
There are a few things happening here at home. We don't live where we did
when you left -- you're father read in the paper that most car accidents happen
within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the
address because we moved into your cousins old house and they took the numbers
with them so they wouldn't have to change their address.
The new place has a washing machine! It's in a small room that also has a
shower in it. The first day, I put four shirts in. I pressed the lever and I
haven't seen them since.
The weather is nice here. It rained twice this week. Three days the first
time and four days the second time.
Remember that coat you wanted me to send you? Well, your aunt said that it
would be too heavy to send in the mail, so we cut the buttons off and put them
in the pocket.
Monday we got a bill from the funeral home. It said if we don't make the
last payment on Grandma's funeral ... up she comes ...
Your father has a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under him. He's
cutting grass at the cemetery.
Your brother's wife had a baby this morning. We don't know whether it's a
boy or a girl, so we don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.
Your uncle fell in the whiskey vat and drowned. We cremated him. He burned
for 3 days.
Last week 3 of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup truck. One was
driving and the other two were riding in the back. The driver rolled down the
window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the
tailgate down.
Not much else. Write more often.
Love,
Mom
P.S. -- We would have sent money, but the envelope was already sealed.
english.138dejanr,
N Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women
Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
Motorcycles' curves never sag.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.
Motorcycles don't have parents.
Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the
old one is _really_ worn.
If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy
Motorcycle magazines.
New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them,
you don't get them.
If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics
to correct it.
You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register
your Motorcycle.
You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist
and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
If you say bad things to your Motorcycle, you don't have to apoligize
before you can ride it again.
You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.
english.139dejanr,
Q. What's the difference between yoghurt and Australia?
A. Yoghurt has a real live culture.
==========================
There is a man in a casino gambling with lots of "borrowed" money and a
fairy comes and sits on his shoulder. He's playing pontoon and gets dealt a
seven. The fairy advises him to buy a card for 500 pounds. Naturally he doesn't
trust the fairy, but he decides to buy one anyway. He gets a five giving him
twelve. The fairy then advises him to buy another card for 500 pounds. This
time he does and gets a three. "Buy another for 500 pounds," says the fairy.
This time he gets a five so he's got twenty with four cards. The fairy tells
him to buy another for 500 pounds. He thinks to himself that the fairy's been
right so far, so he complies. He gets dealt an ace. The fairy falls off his
shoulder crying, "You lucky bastard!"
==========================
A lady goes into a hardware store and asks for a hinge. The man at the
counter gets one for her and asks "Do you want a screw for that hinge?".
The lady says "No, but I'll blow ya for that toaster over there!".
==========================
Q: What is red and full of feathers?
A: A fallen angel.
english.140dejanr,
A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was told
he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist
Hell. Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to
Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Adam Smith, looking bored.
"What's it like in there?" asked Dave.
"Well," replied Adam, "In Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil
you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out,
and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"That's terrible!!" gasped Dave. "I'm going to check out Communist
Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line
of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven
times before receding off into the horizon.
Dave pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found
Karl Marx busily signing people in. Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell
was like.
"In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil
you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver,
and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"But ... but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!" protested Dave.
"True," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we
don't have knives ..."
english.141dejanr,
This IBM service rep, hardware engineer, and software
engineer were driving down the road one day and they had a flat. The
service rep wanted to replace the car, the hardware engineer thought
they could work around it, and the software engineer said 'maybe if
we ignore it, it'll go away'.
english.142dejanr,
The pope died. Like all good christians he went to heaven and knocked on
the door. Peter opened. The pope said: "I'm the pope."
Peter picked up the phone and rang Jesus.
"I have someone here who says he's the pope, do you know him?"
Jesus answered: "No, never heared of him, send him to hell."
Peter told the pope. "That can't be true, ring God himself," the pope said.
So Peter rang God and said: "Here's someone who says he's the pope, do you
know him?" God answered: "No, never heard of him, send him to hell."
And again Peter told the pope. "The last chance I have is the Holy Spirit,"
the pope said. Peter rang him and said: "I have someone here who says he's
the pope, you know him?"
"Yes," he said, "I know him. He's the one who told everyone I got Maria
pregnant. Send him to hell".
==========================.
In the old days in Finland, all young men had to go through some rites of
passage to show that they were REAL FINNISH MEN. The usual set consisted of
three tests: 1) Empty a full bottle of vodka without pause, 2) Go out in the
forest to kill a bear with bare hands, and 3) rape a woman.
When Pekka had reached the age of the rites of passage, he had no trouble
at all with the vodka. He disappeared into the forest, and came back three
days later, with clothes torn and blood dripping from several wounds. Then
he said: "Now where's the woman I have to kill?"
==========================
A slightly drunk man walked into a bar, went up to the bartender,
and said, "I'll bet you $50 I can bite my right eye!" Noticing the
man had had a few to drink, the bartender took him up on it. The
drunk then proceded to pop out a glass eyeball, and bite it. The
bartender paid, and the man left.
The next day, the man returned, a little drunker than the previous
day, and he said to the bartender, "I'll bet you $50 I can bite my
left eye!" Knowing that the man couldn't have two glass eyes, the
bartender again took him up on it. This time, the man pulled out his
false teeth and 'bit' his eye. (Ouch!) The bartender paid up.
The next day, the man came in stone drunk. He went to the
bartender and said, "I'll give you a chance to get your money back.
I'll bet you a hundred dollars that you can put a shot glass on the
other end of the bar, and I can stand on this end (20 feet away) and
piss in it, without getting a single drop outside the glass.
The bartender just couldn't pass up the chance to get his $100
back, and the guy was very drunk, so he again took the drunk up on his
bet. He put the shot glass on the other end of the bar, and the drunk
simply pissed all over the bar. The bartender smiled and said, "You lost!"
The drunk just smiled and gave him the hundred dollars.
The bartender said, "You're not too unhappy about losing all your
money. Why not?" The drunk exclaimed, "Because I just bet this guy
at the table $2000 I could piss all over your bar, and you wouldn't
care!"
english.143dejanr,
A whole bunch of guys are hanging out in their usual bar after work
one day when this very attractive woman walks in and sits down right in
the midst of them. After about two minutes of amazed looks one of the
men manages to ask the woman her name.
"Don't you recognize me guys? It's me, Bernie. I had a sex change!"
Well, the men are all amazed at how their old drinking buddy, Bernie,
looks with all his new equipment. So they buy some more drinks and get
to talking about old times with Bernie/Bernice.
After a few hours, the conversation rolls around to the subject of
Bernice's operation.
So one of the guys says,"Tell me Bernice, what was the most painful
thing about the operation? Was it when they cut your dick off?"
Bernice says,"No. That was painful, but that wasn't the most painful
thing."
So another guy pipes up, "I'll bet I know! I'll bet the worst
part was when they cut your balls off, right?"
"No.", Bernice says, "That really hurt too, but that wasn't the
worst part either."
Finally, one of the men asks, "Well, just what was the worst, most
painful part of the operation that turned you into a woman?"
And Bernice replies, "When they cut my skull open and removed half
my brain!"
==========================
Two nuns riding down a cobbled road on bicycles. First one says to the other:
"I've never come this way before."
Other says: "Neither have I. It's probably the cobbles."
==========================
Q. Do you know what mothballs smell like?
A. Yes.
Q. Really, how do you get their little legs apart?
Q. How do you make a hormone?
A. Don't pay her.
Q: What lies at the bottom of the sea and whimpers?
A: A nervous wreck.
==========================
Gilligan: "Gee Skipper! I sure am glad we got away from those headhunters!"
Skipper: "You can say that again, little buddy!"
Gilligan: "Gee Skipper! I sure am glad we . . ."
==========================
An American, an Englishman and a Japanese fellow were discussing
their respective countries over drink at a London pub one evening.
The English fellow mentioned how that British medicine had
progressed so far that doctors recently had taken a single liver and
cut it into six pieces then transplanted it into six separate men
in need of a healthy liver. This had resulted in six new workers
in the job market.
At this, the Japanese guy said that in his country doctors had
cut a lung into twelve pieces, transplanted these into twelve people
in need of healthy lungs, thereby putting twelve new people in the
job market.
Not to be outdone, the American said "That's nothing. In the
U.S. we took one asshole, made it President, and now there are
10 million people in the market for a job."
english.144dejanr,
The Avon lady was selling her wares to someone on
the top floor. She was there a long time. By the time
she got on the elevator, she needed to fart really bad.
She held it a couple of floors, but finally cut loose.
It smelled horrible, so she got some of her pine air
freshener out of her Avon bag and sprayed it liberally
around the elevator;she figured no one would notice.
She went down several floors and no one got on the
elevor;she thought she was in the clear, so she farted
again and sprayed again. The next floor an old drunk
got on the elevator. He said "Goddamn lady- it smells
like you just shit a Christmas tree!"
english.145dejanr,
Having pulled out my Book of Anecdotes, I found what should likely
be the first (MY contention) entry in the Cannonical List of
Lawyer jokes. A story told of former President and General, U.S.
Grant;
Undistinguished and often shabby in appearance, Ulysses S.
Grant did not recommend himself to strangers by looks. He
once entered an inn at Galena, Illinois, on a stormy
winter's night. A number of lawyers, in town for a court
session, were clustered around the fire. One looked up as
Grant appeared and said, "Here's a stranger, gentlemen,
and by the looks of him he's traveled through hell itself
to get here."
"That's right," said Grant cheerfully.
"And how did you find things down there?"
"Just like here," replied Grant, "lawyers all closest to
the fire."
==========================
After a long, somewhat confusing lecture in my numerical analysis class
about finite difference methods, Newton's and Secant methods, the professor
mentioned that the analysis he had discussed led easily into the
investigation of better methods of function minimization, including
"Higher order polynomial fits". The person next to me quipped:
"That's what everyone in the class is having right now."
Chet (dfrank@yoda.UUCP)
english.146dejanr,
Yugo owner: "I want a radiator cap for my Yugo"
Parts salesman: "that sounds like a fair trade"
==========================
Talent Show
-----------
Angela, David, And Mae Are The Young Stars In The Talent Show. Their Ages
Are 5, 7, And 8. From The Information Given, Determine Each Child's Full
Name ( One Last Name Is Starr ) And Age.
1. Miss Grant Is Three Years Older That Angela.
2. The Child Whose Last Name Is Diamond Is Seven Years Old.
Need The Answer? Got An Answer!!! Want The Answer!!!
Send E-MAIL....CALLAWAYCJ@EA.USL.EDU
------------------------------------
C.JamesCallaway
---------------
C.JamesCallaway
---------------
CALLAWAYCJ@EA.USL.EDU
One Will Only Find Peace Within Himself.....If He Looks!
english.147dejanr,
DECK THE DOOR
-------------
Aretha And Three Of Her Friends Made Christmas Wreaths Last Weekend. Each Used
A Different Material For The Weaths, Added Different Colored Ornamental Balls,
And Chose Different Decorations To Complete The Wreath. Using The Information
Provided, Can You Determine The First And Last Names Of The Person Who Made
Each Wreath ( One Last Name O'Connor ), And The Material, Color Of Ornamental
Balls, And The Type Of Decoration Used On Each Wreath?
1. Mary Did Not Use Candy Canes Or Tiny Gift Boxex For
Decoration, Or Red Or White Ornamental Balls.
2. Winters, Whose First Name Is Not David, Did Not Use
Stars For Decoration Or Silver Balls.
3. The One Surnamed Decker Did Not Use Pine Cones Or
Evergreen Branches For The Wreath. The One Who Used
Evergreen Branches Did Not Use Stars For Decoration.
4. The Person Surnamed Towers, Who Did Not Use Gift Boxes
For Decoration, Is Neither The One Who Used Holly Leaves
For The Wreath Nor The One Who Used Silver Balls.
5. Nick, Who Did Not Use Candy Canes For Decoration, Is
Neither Winters Nor The Person Who Used Ribbons For
Decoration, Who Did Not Use Gold.
6. The Person Who Used Ribbons Used Neither Holly Leaves
For The Wreath Nor Silver Balls. The Silver Balls Were
Not Put On The Grapevine Wreath.
7. David, Who Did Not Use White Balls, Is Not Towers.
Need The Answer? Got An Answer!!! Want The Answer!!!
Send E-MAIL....CALLAWAYCJ@EA.USL.EDU
------------------------------------
C.JamesCallaway
---------------
C.JamesCallaway
---------------
CALLAWAYCJ@EA.USL.EDU
One Will Only Find Peace Within Himself.....If He Looks!
english.148dejanr,
In article <1990Oct12.141401.21215@virtech.uucp> tracy@virtech.uucp (Tracy L.
Brooks) writes:
>
>You must not have any fear in GOD because you are talking about
>His creation. God will punish those that blapheme His name.
One day when I was praying I suddenly realized that I was talking to
myself. It was then that I came up with the following story.
-- the preceding joke is NOT original, but the following story is.
v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v
> <
< /--\ >
> ! !nce upon a time there was a Master Programmer who created three <
< \--/ intelligent processes. He started all these processes up >
> with no information about the world. After a while He came <
< back to the processes. The first process printed out "I think >
> therefore I am," and continued deriving philosophy from first <
< principles. The Master Programmer looked upon the process and saw >
> that it was good (though He made a note to himself that the next <
< process that He would write wouldn't fall into the Cartesian >
> Circle). The second process printed "I don't believe in the Master <
< Programmer. Fuck the Master Programmer." The Master Programmer >
> laughed and watched the process evolve its ideas. Finally, the <
< Master Programmer looked at the third process. The third process >
> was printing "I love the Master Programmer. I love the Master <
< Programmer. I love the Master Programmer..." over and over. The >
> Master Programmer could see that this process was caught in an <
< infinite loop, so He sent it a kill -9 signal. >
> <
v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v
english.149dejanr,
(This has been kicking around for so long that I have absolutely no idea
of its origin.)
Documentation Sex Quiz
1. What are the fallopian tubes?
a. Bicycle tires
b. A subway in Italy
c. All of the above
2. What is a urethra?
a. A female black singer
b. The opposite of myrethra
c. Something you hang on your door for Chrithmeth
3. What is an ovary?
a. A book written by Flaubert
b. A passing grade at school
c. A famous WWII song
4. What is fellatio?
a. A person who collects stamps
b. Mr. Hornblower's first name
c. A non-dairy whipped topping popular in Italy
5. What is a testicle?
a. A test to see if you're ticklish
b. One of the two parts of the Bible
c. An octopus' arm
6. What is cunnilingus?
a. A form of pasta
b. The language of love
c. An Irish airline
7. What is a gonad?
a. A cheer for NAD high school
b. A person who wanders from place to place
c. A Moody Blues song
8. What is a vulva?
a. A Swedish car
b. The puching bag in your throat
c. An engine part
9. What is a seminal vesicle?
a. An indian boat
b. A priest's retreat
c. A discussion on the subject of veins and arteries
12. What is a penis?
a. A salty snack you have with beer
b. A Charles Shultz comic strip
c. Liberace
Boner Question: What is an Anus?
a. Part of a famous black comedy team
b. A planet--home of Superman
c. A herbaceous plant
english.150dejanr,
[I got this from my uncle, who works at one of IBM's Silicon Valley labs. I
don't where he got it.]
THE PAGING GAME
Jeff Berryman, University of British Columbia
1. Each player gets several million "things."
2. Things are kept in "crates" that hold 512 things each. Things in the
same crate are called "crate-mates."
3. Crates are stored either in the "workshop" or a "warehouse." The
workshop is almost always too small to hold all the crates.
4. There is only one workshop but there may be several warehouses.
Everybody shares them.
5. Each thing has its own "thing number."
6. What you do with a ting is to "zark" it. Everybody takes turns zarking.
7. You can only zark your things, not anybody else's.
8. Things can only be zarked when they are in the workshop.
9. Only the "Thing King" knows whether a thing is in the workshop or in a
warehouse.
10. The longer a thing goes without being zarked, the "grubbier" it is said
to become.
11. The way you get things is to ask the Thing King. He only gives out
things in multiples of eight. This is to keep the royal overhead down.
12. The way you zark a thing is to give its thing number. If you give the
number of a thing that happens to be in the workshop it gets zarked
right away. If it is in a warehouse, the Thing King packs the crate
containing your thing back into the workshop. If there is no room in
the workshop, he first finds the grubbiest crate in the workshop,
whether it be yours or somebody else's, and packs it off with all its
crate-mates to a warehouse. In its place he puts the crate containing
your thing. Your thing then gets zarked and you never knew that it
wasn't in the workshop all along.
13. Each player's stock of things have the same numbers as everybody else's.
The Thing King always knows who owns what thing and whose turn it is, so
you can't ever accidentally zark somebody else's thing even if it has
the same thing number as one of yours.
Notes
1. Traditionally, the Thing King sits at a large, segmented table and is
attended to by pages (the so-called "table pages") whose job it is to
help the king remember where all the things are and who they belong to.
2. One consequence of Rule 13 is that everybody's thing numbers will be
similar from game to game, regardless of the number of players.
3. The Thing King has a few things of his own, some of which move back and
forth between workshop and warehouse just like anybody else's, but some
of which are just too heavy to move out of the workshop.
4. With the given set of rules, oft-zarked things tend to get kept mostly
in the workshop while little-used things stay mostly in a warehouse.
This is efficient stock control.
5. Sometimes even warehouses get full. The Thing King then has to start
piling things on the dump out back. This makes the game slower because
it takes a long time to get things off the dump when they are needed in
the workshop. A forthcoming change in the rules will allow the Thing
King to select the grubbiest things in the warehouses and send them to
the dump in his spare time, thus keeping the warehouses from getting too
full. This means that the most infrequently-zarked things will end up
so the Thing King won't have to get things from the dump so often. This
should speed up the game when there are a lot of players and the
warehouses are getting full.
LONG LIVE THE THING KING
[The following appear to have been added later, as they were typed in a
different font.]
Notes:
1. The VM Thing King is considerably stronger than the Thing King of the
system described above. He uses crates containing 4096 things.
2. Recently the Thing King has tired of carrying crates back and forth
between the warehouse and the workshop one at a time and has purchased
a forklift. When it is someone else's turn to zark their things, the
Thing King stacks the grubbiest of your crates on his forklift and
hauls them to the warehouse. The warehouse is too small for the forklift
to do much maneuvering, so once a stack of crates has been taken to the
warehouse it can't be unstacked without bringing it into workshop. This
means if you want to zark a thing which is stacked in the warehouse the
whole stack of crates must be brought into the workshop. While this
might appear to generate a lot of unnecessary crate traffic, it is more
than offset by the reduction in the number of trips necessary.
english.151dejanr,
A fellow from the city was driving through the country one day when he came
upon a quaint farmhouse alongside of the road - and there was even a farmer
standing out front. So the city boy decided to stop and talk to the farmer.
"Good morning, sir," he said, "I was driving by, admiring the country, 'cause
I'm a city boy, and I couldn't help but notice that you have a field full of
cows on your farm. Now I've lived in the city all my life and I've never
tried any fresh country milk. If it's all right with you, I'd like to try
some fresh country milk from your cows."
The farmer replied, "Son, those are bulls! You don't get milk from bulls!!"
And the city boy said, "But I won't hurt your cows. All I want to do is to
try some fresh country milk."
The farmer had to try again, "Son, those are BULLS!! You don't get milk from
BULLS!!!"
But the city boy persisted, "Really, I won't hurt your COWS! I just want to
try some fresh country milk!!"
So the farmer reluctantly gave in, "Son, knock yourself out."
In a half an hour the city boy returned from the fields carrying a pail of
fresh country milk. The farmer scratched his head and started to speak, but
the city boy jumped in with, "You know, while I was out in the field getting
this lovely fresh country milk, I saw a fence covered with honeysuckles.
And you know, I've been city boy all my life and I've never had any fresh
country honey. If it's all right with you, I'd like to try some fresh
country honey from your honeysuckles."
And the farmer replied, "Son, honeysuckles are flowers. You get honey from
bees."
But the city boy persisted, "I won't hurt your flowers. I just want to try
some fresh country honey."
So the farmer tried again, "Son, honey comes from BEES!"
But the city boy was adamant, "Really, I won't hurt your FLOWERS! I just want
to try some fresh country honey!!"
And the farmer reluctantly gave in again, "Son, be my guest."
In a half an hour the city boy boy returned with 2 mason jars full of honey.
The farmer scratched his head harder than before and started to speak. Just
then the city boy said, "You know, I'm a city boy - been a city boy all my
life. Now while I was out getting some of that fresh country honey,
I noticed that you have a field full of pussy willows ..."
"Son," interrupted the farmer, "let me get my hat."
english.152dejanr,
Ivrea, Italy, 18.September.1990
By Craig Hockenberry
This is a true story. I wish it weren't.
Last night I had a little trouble getting to sleep, and it wasn't a case of
insomnia.
I had just finished brushing my teeth and was heading back to my bedroom for a
much needed rest. Upon enterng the room, I switched on the light and noticed
a black object flying around the light in the center of the room. I thought
to myself, "no problem, just a small bird that will fly out of the room when
I open the window."
After looking at this object for a few seconds, I realized that it was a BAT.
My reaction was, and I quote, "SHIT!". Milliseconds later, I was in the next
room looking at a closed door and wondering how the hell I was going to get
rid of this thing...
The window in the bedroom was closed and locked, hence it could not be opened
from the outside of the house. This left me with one alternative .. going back
in and flushing out the BAT.
I returned to the bathroom and got a large towel which I put over my head. I
slowly entered the room and started shaking the towel over my head while the
BAT circled above. Too bad that bats can't see .. the sight of a 6'6" male in
his underware hiding underneath a bath towel would cause any normal animal to
die of laughter. I must have looked like an epileptic King Faud.
I made my way, as quickly as possible, to the window and succeeded in opening
it. After returning to the safety of the next room, I realized I was dealing
with a STUPID BAT. The damn thing would not fly out of the room.
My next brainstorm was to scare the STUPID BAT out of the bedroom. So, the man
with the shaking towel on his head re-enters the room and tries to scare a
STUPID BAT. Notice that I never said this was a clever brainstorm.
After trying for several minutes (that seemed like hours), the STUPID BAT is
still circling and I'm more scared than the STUPID BAT.
I am running out of brainstorms at this point. That is until my cat walks up
to the door and looks at me with an expression that can only be described as:
"why are you standing at your bedroom door with a towel on your head?" Cats
are good at recognizing abnormal behaviour.
My cat, Roxy, is also quite a good hunter. She regularly brings dead objects
into the house for inspection (that's another good story). By now, you
probably are having the same brainstorm that I was last night. She can kill a
moth as it flys through the air why can't she KILL the STUPID BAT as it flys
through the air.
At first, she is a little confused as I toss her into the bedroom to do her
instinctive duty. However, as soon as the STUPID BAT goes into his flight
pattern, she makes several stunning leaps into the air to KILL the STUPID
BAT. Unlike her owner (who has finally realized that a towel on the head is not
really needed against a STUPID BAT) she gives up and sits in the middle of the
bed looking at the STUPID BAT hanging upside down on curtains and her owner
peeking through the door. I'm sure she is thinking: "You are 6'6" tall. YOU
can reach the STUPID BAT".
I hate it when my cat has these great ideas.
So, I slowly enter the room .. the STUPID BAT remains on the curtain ..
Roxy is waiting patiently for an opportunity to attack .. I get within a
couple of feet of the STUPID BAT .. the towel is wadded into an efficent,
STUPID BAT KILLING projectile (thank God for rec.pyrotechnics) .. I'm ready to
attack .. the towel is launched .. and the STUPID BAT comes straight at me!
And I don't have a towel on my head!
I don't know how, but I got out bedroom alive. I quickly went to the bathroom
and got more ammo. I really want to KILL the STUPID BAT.
So, I slowly enter the room .. the STUPID BAT remains on the curtain ..
but this time I notice that the STUPID BAT is stuck in the curtain .. IT CAN'T
MOVE!!! I find myself thanking God that this is a STUPID BAT .. if it were a
SMART BAT, I'd be dead.
Confident that I have won this battle, I slowly walk up to the STUPID BAT and
wrap it up in a towel. I then quickly walk to the window and throw the entire
bundle out the window. Within seconds, the window is closed and the sense of
saftey overwhelms me.
Before retiring for the night, there is one last thing to do. I need to collect
all the ammo (towels) that have been used in this adventure. After putting away
the towels that are inside the house, I remembered that there is still one
more outside that used to contain a STUPID BAT.
It's so dark outside, I don't even bother to put on a pair of pants so that I
won't offend the neighbors. I easily find the towel in the faint light coming
from the bedroom light and start to pick it up carefully by the corners. I
want to shake it out to make EXTRA sure that the STUPID BAT is not still
inside the towel. After all this, I'll be damned if I'm going to take the
STUPID BAT back into the house.
Suddenly, I feel a small fur covered object rub against my arm! It makes me
jump about 3 feet and nearly gives me a heart attack. After recovering, I
slowly approached the towel to find Roxy looking up at me with the expression:
"Thanks for putting this towel outside for me to sleep on!"
I wanted to KILL that STUPID CAT!
english.153dejanr,
Extended sign-off mnemonics
These days it's quite common for messages on social-oriented
bulletin boards to end with signoffs like "Hi and hugs to everybody."
In fact, this has become so popular that as much as 7.5% of the disk
space on some BBS's is currently devoted to this particular comment.
The International Committee for Relatively Pointless Abbreviations
and Badly Misspelled Acronyms (SPUDS) has just released a new,
internationally approved list of abbreviated signoffs. These include:
ooo : hugs
xxx : kisses
OOO : big hugs
XXX : big kisses
oo : hugs for everybody but you
OO! : big, excited hugs
CCC : hugs for people you can't quite reach around
OOQ : hugging with tongue
xx@ : kisses and earlobe nibbling
zzz : snoring
yyy : anything that occurs between kissing and snoring
H : handshake
kkk : Alternate form of "handshakes for all"
KKK : White robes for all
AAA : talk-show not-really kissing
[X] : kissing in the closet
XYZZY : a kiss that moves you
MMM : Same as WWW, but from inversion boots
LLL : Armwrestles for all
OOO~~~ : Big hugs and large caterpillars for all
))) : Smiles for all
TTT : Trees for all
jjj : gooses for all
JJJ : big gooses for all
OOOXXXYYYZZZ : This is illegal before marriage in nine states
OOOXXXyZZZZZ : Still illegal, but generally not nearly as well
received
Remember, there is much more work to be done to codify and abbreviate
excessively clear and understandable sign-off messages and replace
them with efficient and incomprehensible international symbols.
Please contribute money, suggestions, and chocolate to this worthy
cause, and help make conversation boards a better place for
assembly-language programmers.
Thank you,
Trygve Lode,
General Secretary (SPUDS)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Unnatural Enquirer, (C) 1990 by Trygve Lode (tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu)
May be reproduced and distributed freely in unmodified form on a
noncommercial basis provided this notice remains intact.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
english.154dejanr,
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken
slur) "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and
give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill
for $37.00. The drunk says "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy
around few times then throw him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again
says (with a drunken slur) "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour
yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and
figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same
trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks
for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00. The
drunk says "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the
guy up, beats the shit out of him, then throw him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and
says (with a drunken slur) "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink,
and give me the bill." In disgust, the bartender says "What, no drink for me
this time?" The drunk replies "No, you get violent when you drink."
{ Heard this from a stand-up comic on the comedy channel on cable TV.}
english.155dejanr,
A rather nasty and egotistical man was finally left by his wife, who then re-
married someone whom she felt would treat her with more love and kindness.
When our nasty hero happened to meet her on the street one day, he couldn't
overcome his usual tendencies, and asked her sarcastically, "So, how does
that new husband of yours like fucking in used pussy?"
"He likes it just fine," she replied, "once he gets past the used part."
english.156dejanr,
Two little boys are walking down the street. The first one says, "I'm so
proud to be Jewish. Our rabbi really knows a lot." The other one says,
"Well, I'm proud to be Catholic. Our priest knows more than your rabbi."
The first boy says, "Yeah but that's because everyone tells him everything."
english.157dejanr,
... as Benny Hill once said: "Did you ever notice that everyone in
favour of birth control has already been born?"
english.158dejanr,
Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:
George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years"
Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days"
George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill
a man and get 3 days???"
Herman: "Yep.......they hang me on Wednesday"
english.159dejanr,
Two hippies were waiting at the bus stop along with a nun with her leg in
a cast. The first hippie asked "Sister, how did you break you leg?" "I
slipped in the bathtub." The second hippie asked the first "What's a bathtub?"
"How should I know, I'm not Catholic!"
english.160dejanr,
Take heart: the only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson
Crusoe.
----------------------------------------------------
What do you call a computer scientist ...
My ex-wife used to say (maybe she still does) that it doesn't
matter what you call him. He's too involved with the computer
to come anyway.
english.161dejanr,
A short story I read once claimed that when Sherlock Holmes died and
went to heaven, God presented him with a mystery: Adam and Eve had disappeared!
Holmes quickly identified the couple (who, it turned out, had disguised
themselves to get away from the constant demands to meet curious new arrivals).
When asked how he had solved the case, Holmes replied, "Elementary, my dear
God. They were the only persons without navels."
english.162dejanr,
In article <13695@arisia.Xerox.COM> cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com writes:
>
>Did you hear that Ted Kennedy asked his young beautiful secretary to be his
>mistress?
>
>She hesitated to begin the relationship and asked Ted: "But what if I should
>become pregnant?"
>
>Ted said, "Don't worry, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it!!"
>
>----------------------------------------------------
Two follow-ups semi-jokes:
Ted Kennedy is preparing for a debate. An aide asks: "What happens if
they bring up Chappaquidick?" To which Ted replies: "I'll drive off
that bridge when I come to it."
And don't forget the National Lampoon fake advertisement that got
them sued. (At the time, Volkswagen had a series of ads showing that
VW bugs would actually float for a while in water.) The fake ad showed
a VW bug floating in water with the caption: "Maybe if Ted Kennedy
had been driving a Volkswagen he wouldn't be in so much hot water."
(The lawsuit was based on Nat Lamp reprinting the VW logo without
permission.)
english.163dejanr,
This travelling guy was once driving outside a small town and right in
front of a mad peoples home (madhouse or whatever it's called) his front
wheel comes off. Looking into the problem he finds that all four of the wheel's
nuts have come off. `This is a fine mess' he thinks loudly `how am I ever
going to get out of here'. In frustration he sits down by the side of a road
to think things out. All this while there was a mad inmate who watched the
whole scene from his window. After a while he calls out to the traveller
asking him to approach the window. The man looks at him and decides that
the last thing he can handle is a conversation with a lunatic and ignores him
but eventually gives in when he persists. When he approaches the window the
mad man tells him to take one nut out of each of his other wheels and use it
temporarily on wheel that's come off. This way he could get to next town
and buy 4 more. The traveller looks at him in disbelief, this had never
occurred to him. Totally blown away by this, he applogises for his rude
behaviour previously and ask him why he's in a mad house when he's has so
much common sense. To this he gets the reply "I'm mad not STUPID".
english.164dejanr,
"Maybe this world is another planet's Hell."
-Aldous Huxley
----------------------------------------------------
More IT'S A SMALL TOWN
You know you're in a small town.....
when you turn on your hair dryer and the street lights dim...
Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
----------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a dead shunk on the oard road and a dead
lawyer.
There are skid marks in front of the skunk
english.165dejanr,
Yet more from the Program Trader Nelson article (WSJ, Oct 13, pg 39):
One time, a broker typed in the wrong password (on the Bankers Trust
computer), which happened to be another broker's password. "So they
both had this same list of securities. I get a call from a broker
saying, `I'm trying to buy XYZ and it keeps getting bid up out there.`
We couldn't figure it out. Then it suddently dawned on us that (two
different brokers) were working the same list."
Both brokers were getting the same list of stocks to buy and sell, and were
bidding against each other.
english.166dejanr,
A man, who barely made it through the Black Monday crash, called E.F. Hutton
the next day and asked, "May I speak to Mr. Spenser, my broker, please?"
The operator replied, "I'm sorry. Mr Spenser is deceased. Can anyone else
help you?" The man said no and hung up.
Ten minutes later he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his broker.
The operator said, "You just called a few minutes ago, didn't you? Mr.
Spenser has died. I'm not making this up." The man again hung up.
Fifteen minutes later he called a third time and asked for Mr. Spenser.
The operator was irked by this time. "I've told you twice already, Mr.
Spenser is dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when
I say he's dead?"
The man replied, "I just like hearing it."
english.167dejanr,
Stalin is dying, and summons Komrad Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his
last few words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "Komrad, the reins
of the country are now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you
some advice."
"Yes, yes, Great Leader, what is it?" says Khruschev.
Reaching under his pillow, Stalin produces two envelopes marked 1 and 2.
"Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely - don't open
them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things start going bad, open
the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, even after
that, if things start going REALLY bad, open the second one." And with a
gasp Stalin breathed his last.
Well, Khruschev succeeded him, and sure enough, within a few years things
started going bad - unemployment increased, crops failed, people became
restless. Nikita decided it was time to open the first letter. All it said
was: "Blame everything on me!" So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization
campaign, and blamed Josef for all the excesses and purges and ills of the
present system, and bought himself some time that way.
But things continued on the downslide - Kennedy successfully rebuffed Soviet
missiles in Cuba, unemployment increased even more, crops failed even more,
the Politburo was unhappy with Khruschev's leadership and upstarts like
Brezhnev and Gromyko were threatening his credibility. So finally, after
much deliberation, Nikita opened the second letter.
All it said was: "Write two letters."
english.168dejanr,
The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch a satellite.
Of course it would orbit not Earth but Sputnik.
english.169dejanr,
Stalin dies and goes to hell (of course). But the devil is worried
that he might take over, so he won't let him in the gates.
Stalin wanders around outside the gates, looking for help, for 3 years.
Finally some Hungarians killed in the 1956 uprising come by.
Even they feel sorry for poor Stalin, and one of them offers to help.
He tells Stalin to climb into a potato sack, and three of them
carry it to the wall. They yell up at Satan:
"Hey, have you got a fellow named Karl Marx in there ?"
The devil says: "Yes, why ?"
They toss the sack with Stalin over the wall.
"Tell him to come collect the interest on his `Kapital'."
english.170dejanr,
In 1953, Stalin dies. The politburo holds a special meeting to decide
what to do about the body. Nobody will let it be buried near their home.
Finally they decide:
"Aha! Call Israel! Offer them ten million US dollars
The Jews will do *anything* for money!".
Off goes the message and the politburo waits...
Finally a telegram comes:
"NO THANK YOU STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY STOP"
english.171dejanr,
An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the
day and announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
"What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked
hard all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I
can't even buy a piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"
Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
"Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you
had made an outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points
an imaginary gun to this head and pulls the trigger.
The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of
meat again?"
"It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."
english.172dejanr,
Two Russian border guards, Ivan and Vladimir, on a cold winter morning.
Looking across the border, Ivan is smiling to himself, then he notices
that Vladimir is also smiling.
Ivan [suspiciously]: "What were you thinking about?"
Vladimir: "Same thing you were thinking about, comrade."
Ivan: "Then it is my duty to arrest you."
english.173dejanr,
The secret police have discovered a man who looks exactly like
Stalin. This is obviously dangerous: he could impersonate the
Leader, and who knows what harm may result. Beria, the secret
police chief, is reporting to Stalin, and asking for instructions.
"Why, shoot him." says Stalin.
"Certainly, comrade Stalin; a great idea, comrade Stalin." says
Beria," but... well, I will see that this is done promptly!"
"BUT?" says Stalin "But what?! Speak out your mind! You know I
am always open to suggestions."
"Well, I thought, if we just shaved off his moustache... he
might be no problem... " says Beria.
"A valuable suggestion, comrade Beria!" says Stalin.
"We'll implement it. Shave him, *then* shoot him!
english.174dejanr,
Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor.
"The one worry I have", says Lenin, "is this: will the people
follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"
"They will", says Stalin, "they surely will."
"I hope so", says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?".
"No problem", says Stalin, "then they'll follow you."
english.175dejanr,
A lady had a son who was in the elite group, the green berets. One day
the son came home from special operation to visit his mother. They sat
around and chat for a while.
Suddenly the mother said, "You know, I've been always meaning to ask you
what the difference is between a "Gorilla" and a "Comando", in the military
sense?"
The son said, "Well, their functions are very similar, but you can say
that a gorilla is trained to attack the enemy sites from the front in the
middle of the night, quickly get the job done, and retract before getting
caught. A comando, on the other hand, attacks from behind in the middle
of the night, gets the job done, and retracts before getting caught."
The mother thinks for a minute and then says, "I see... Then your father,
god bless his soul, was a comando all his life and didn't even know it!!!"
english.176dejanr,
During a difficult political situation in a certain country the marshall
law was in effect from dusk to dawn. One day, the soldiers patrolling an
area of the town noticed a man running in one of the streets. The officer
in charge looked at his watch and noticed that there was at least one hour
remaining before the curfew was to take effect.
Suddenly, one of the soldiers aimed his gun at the man and shut him dead.
The officer was appalled by this action and yelled at the soldier, "What
the hell did you do that for? The curfew doesn't start until at least
another hour!"
The soldier said, "Well sir, I knew where this man lived. There was no
way in hell he was gonna make it home in an hour!!!"
english.177dejanr,
The general in charge of an army base called the officers to a meeting
one day and said, "The troops have been on duty for six months now. I
think it is time we provided them with some entertainment."
He then ordered the officers to provide the soldiers with some ladies
of the night. The junior officer got a couple of MPs and a bus and went
to the well known part of the nearby town and started selecting the ladies.
The officer suddenly realized that a little old lady was also standing in
line and waiting for her turn. When her turn came, the officer tried to
come up with an excuse to get rid of her. Noticing the set of false teeth
in her mouth he said, "These ladies are being hired to test some new candy
in the nearby candy factory. Since you can't chew, I'm afraid we can't use
you!"
The little old lady smiled and winked at the officer and said, "It is
true that I can't chew the candy. But with my tongue, I can do a hell
of a job licking it!!!!"
english.178dejanr,
THE LAW AS IT SHOULD BE !
One evening after leaving the theater , 2 men were walking down the
street when they saw a well dressed , attractive young lady walking
ahead of them. One of the men said "I would give fifty bucks to spend a
night with her." To their surprise the young lady overheard the remark and
said "I'll take you up on that.".
The following morning the man presented her with a $25 bill and
prepared to leave.She demanded the rest of the amount saying "if you do
not pay the balance i'll sue you". The man laughed and said "I would like
to see you do it on those grounds."
He was surprised to receive a summons to appear in court as defendant
for the balance of the bill plus damages and cost. He explained the
details of the affair to to his lawyer. However the lawyer said she had
not the slightest possibility of getting the judgment but it would be
interesting to see how the case was presented in court.
After the usual preliminaries the ladies lawyer addressed the court
as follows: "Your honour , my client , this lady is the owner of a
property , a garden spot , surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery,
which agreed to lend to the defendant for a specific length of time for
$50. The defendant took possession of the property and used it for
extensively for the purpose for which it was intended, but on vacating the
premises he paid only $25 on behalf of the amount agreed upon. The rest
was not excessive since it was restricted property , therefore we ask for
the judgment agianst the defendant."
The defending lawyer was impressed and amazed at the way his opponent
planned it. "Your honour , he said , my client agress that a certain
amount of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However ,my client
found a well around wich he placed somes stones and erected a pump, all
labour was personally performed bt him . We claim the improvements to the
property were sufficient to effect the unpaid amount.The plaintiff was
already compensated for the rental of the said property, we therefore ask
for the claim to be dismissed.
The young ladies lawyer came back with this "Your honour my client
agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property and that he did
make the improvements declared. However had the defendant not known the
well existed he would not have harvrested the property. Also on vacating
the premises the defendent removed the stones, pulled out the shaft ,
removed the pump and took them with him. In doing so he not only dragged
his equipment through the shrubbery, but he leftthe hole much bigger than
it was prior to his occupancy, making it accessible to little children. We
therefore ask the judgemnet in favour of us."
JUDGE: Judgement reserved for a visit to the property.
After visiting the property:
Judge:Defendent is asked to pay for the
damage and costs as claimed , within 24 hours, after which time if
payment is not made he will be thrown into the well with his stones and
his shaft and be required to do the pumping of the well at the leisure of
the plaintiff.
CASE FINALISED.
From....
THE EDGE (Version 2).
english.179dejanr,
:-) humor.
:-> humor variation.
%-} humor variation.
:-( sad.
:-< sad variation.
%-{ sad variation.
:_) tongue in cheek
:-! foot in mouth
<:-) for dumb questions.
(:-) for messages dealing with bicycle helmets.
(8-) for messages dealing with owls.
d:-) for messages dealing with baseball.
d :-o hats off to your great idea
q:-) for those who wear their caps backwards.
@= for messages dealing with nuclear war.
o>-<|= for messages of interest only to women.
~= a candle, to annotate flaming messages.
oo for somebody's head-lights are on messages.
;-) say no more, nudge nudge.
:-$ put your money where your mouth is
>:-> leer
;-} leer? (terminal dependent)
|-<> kissy face
:-| man playing an harmonica
O:-) for those innocent souls
[:|] from a robot (or other appropriate AI project)
:>) from someone with a big nose
:<| from someone who attends an Ivy League school
:%)% from someone with acne
=:-) from a hosehead
:-(*) from someone who is about to vomit
:-)8 from someone who is well dressed
8:-) from a little girl
:-)-{8 from a big girl
#-) from someone who partied all night
%-\ from someone hungover
:-* from someone who just ate a sour pickle
-:-) from someone who sports a mohawk and admires Mr. T
:-'| from someone who has a cold
:-)' from somone who tends to drool
':-) from someone who accidentally shaved off one of his eyebrows
8:] from a gorilla
(:)-) from someone wearing scuba mask
P-) from someone getting fresh
|-) from someone who is falling asleep
.-) from someone with one eye
:=) from someone with two noses
:-D from someone who talks too much
Miscellaneous:
(-:|:-) Siamese twins
:~/ Really mixed up
the invisible man
{:\/ sounds like a duck
.\/ duck variation
:-0
|:-O
%+{ from the loser of a fight
___
/ \
| RIP |
|_____| from someone who is dead
-------
Index #2
The Unofficial Smilie Dictionary --------------------------------
:-) Your basic smilie. This smilie is used to inflect a sarcastic or
joking statement since we can't hear voice inflection over Unix.
;-) Winky smilie. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark.
More of a "don't hit me for what I just said" smilie.
:-( Frowning smilie. User did not like that last statement or is upset
or depressed about something.
:-I Indifferent smilie. Better than a Frowning smilie but not quite as
good as a happy smilie.
:-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than a :-).
>:-> User just made a really devilish remark.
>;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made.
Those are the basic ones...Here are some somewhat less common ones:
(-: User is left handed
%-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours straight
:*) User is drunk
[:] User is a robot
8-) User is wearing sunglasses
B:-) Sunglasses on head
::-) User wears normal glasses
B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses
8:-) User is a little girl
:-)-8 User is a Big girl
:-{) User has a mustache
:-{} User wears lipstick
{:-) User wears a toupee
}:-( Toupee in an updraft
:-[ User is a Vampire
:-E Bucktoothed vampire
:-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing
:-7 User juust made a wry statement
:-* User just ate something sour
:-)~ User drools
:-~) User has a cold
:~-( User is crying
:~-) User is so happy, s/he is crying
:-@ User is screaming
:-# User wears braces
:^) User has a broken nose
:v) User has a broken nose, but it's the other way
:_) User's nose is sliding off of his face
:<) User is from an Ivy League School
:-& User is tongue tied.
=:-) User is a hosehead
-:-) User is a punk rocker
-:-( (real punk rockers don't smile)
:=) User has two noses
+-:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office
`:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning
,:-) Same thing...other side
|-I User is asleep
|-O User is yawning/snoring
:-Q User is a smoker
:-? User smokes a pipe
O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (or else, user is a scuba diver)
O :-) User is an angel (at heart, at least)
:-P Nyahhhh! (sticking out tongue)
:-S User just made an incoherent statement
:-D User is laughing (at you!)
:-X User's lips are sealed
:-C User is really bummed
<|-) User is Chinese
<|-( User is Chinese and doesn't like these kind of jokes
:-/ User is skeptical
C=:-) User is a chef
@= User is pro-nuclear war
*<:-) User is wearing a Santa Claus Hat
:-o Uh oh!
(8-o It's Mr. Bill!
*:o) And Bozo the Clown!
3:] Pet smilie
3:[ Mean Pet smilie
d8= Your pet beaver is wearing goggles and a hard hat.
E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator
:-9 User is licking his/her lips
%-6 User is braindead
[:-) User is wearing a walkman
(:I User is an egghead
<:-I User is a dunce
K:P User is a little kid with a propeller beenie
@:-) User is wearing a turban
:-0 No Yelling! (Quiet Lab)
:-: Mutant Smilie
The invisible smilie
-) User only has one eye
,-) Ditto...but he's winking
X-( User just died 8
:-) User is a wizard
C=}>;*{)) Mega-Smilie... A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an updraft,
a mustache, and a double chin
Smilies Index #3
:-` smiley spitting out its chewing tobacco
:-1 smiley bland face
:-! "
:-@ smiley face screaming
:-#| smiley face with bushy mustache
:-$ smiley face with it's mouth wired shut
:-% smiley banker
:-6 smiley after eating something sour
:^) smiley with pointy nose (righty)
:-7 smiley after a wry statement
8-) smiley swimmer
:-* smiley after eating something bitter
:-& smiley which is tongue-tied
:-0 smiley orator
smiley invisible man
(:- unsmiley frowning
(:-) smiley big-face
)8-)A scuba smiley big-face
=:-) smiley punk-rocker
=:-( (real punk rockers don't smile)
+:-) smiley priest
:-q smiley trying to touch its tongue to its nose
:-e disappointed smiley
:-t cross smiley
:-i semi-smiley
:-o smiley singing national anthem
:-p smiley sticking its tongue out (at you!)
:-[ un-smiley blockhead
:-] smiley blockhead
:-{ smiley variation on a theme
:-} ditto
{:-) smiley with its hair parted in the middle
}:-) above in an updraft
:-a lefty smilely touching tongue to nose
:-s smiley after a BIZARRE comment
:-d lefty smiley razzing you
g-) smiley with ponce-nez glasses
:-j left smiling smilely
:-k beats me, looks like something, tho.
:-l y. a. s.
:-: mutant smiley
:-\ undecided smiley
:-| "have an ordinary day" smiley
;-) winking smiley
:-< real sad smiley
:-> y.a.s.
:-z y.a.c.s.
:-x "my lips are sealed" smiley
:-c bummed out smiley
:-v talking head smiley
:v) left-pointing nose smiley
:-b left-pointing tongue smiley
:-/ lefty undecided smiley
:-? smilely smoking a pipe
.-] one-eyed smilely
,-} wry and winking
0-) smiley cyclops (scuba diver?)
:-=) older smiley with mustache
:u) smiley with funny-looking left nose
:n) smiley with funny-looking right nose
:< midget unsmiley
:> midget smiley
}:^#}) mega-smiley: updrafted bushy-mustached pointy nosed smiley with
a double-chin
:-) ha ha
~~:-( net.flame
|-) hee hee
O |-) net.religion
|-D ho ho
:-> hey hey
8 :-I net.unix-wizards
:-( boo hoo
X-( net.suicide
:-I hmm
E-:-I net.ham-radio
:-O uh oh
>:-I net.startrek
:-P nyah nyah
3:o[ net.pets
|-P yuk
:-} beard
:-{ mustache
:-# braces
:-)X bow tie
:-Q smoker
<:I dunce
(:I egghead
@:I turban
8-) glasses
B-) horn-rims
8:-) glasses on forehead
:-8( condescending stare
;-) wink
>:-< mad
Midget Smilies
A lot of these can be typed without noses to make midget smilies.
(I prefer these, as the "real" smilie has no nose anyway)
:) Midget smilie
:] Gleep...a friendly midget smilie who will gladly be your friend
=) Variation on a theme...
:} What should we call these? (what?)
:) Happy
:> what?
:@ what?
:D Laughter
:I Hmmm...
:( Sad
:[ Real Downer
:< what?
:{ what?
:O Yelling
:C what?
:Q what?
:,( Crying
[] Hugs and
:* Kisses
|I Asleep
|^o Snoring
:-( Drama
:-) Comedy
:-o Surpise
8-| Suspense
:- Male
>- Female
|-O Birth
8-# Death
8 Infinity
And a few I've seen, not listed above:
o/ raised hand
\o/ PTL (praise the lord, or pass the loot?)
_\\// Vulcan salute
( o ) ( o ) hooters
Some people on America Online are using unrotated smilies:
^L^ happy
^(^ " variation
@l@ too many hours at terminal
*L* blotto
^)^ ^(^ two people talking
For use in realtime chats:
::Denotes an action by sender::
::poof::
::Eating pizza::
(Denotes thinking out loud to oneself or annotation to comments)
(oh)
(now I see it)
A wrd correction to previous send:
Wrd = word
[name] = Hug
{name} warm fuzzy hug
LOL = Laughing Out Loud
OTF = On The Floor (Laughing)
ROTFL = Rolling On The Floor Laughing
AFK = Away From Keyboard
BAK = Back At Keys
BRB = Be Right Back
NIFOC = Nude In Front Of Computer
Still more smilies:
:-d~ submitter smokes heavily
Q:-) submitter is a new grad
(-: submitter is Australian
M:-) submitter is saluting (symbol of respect)
8) submitter is a frog
B) submitter is a frog who is wearing sunglasses
8P submitter is a bullfrog and it's mating season
8b ditto
|) submitter is a salamander
:8) submitter is a pig
3:-o submitter is a cow
:3-< submitter is a dog
pp# submitter is a cow
pq`#' submitter is a bull
}. submitter is an elephant
`\
+O:-) submitter is the pope.
C=:-) submitter is the Galloping Gourmet
=):-) submitter is Uncle Sam
=|:-) submitter is Abe Lincoln
4:-) submitter is George Washington
5:-) submitter is Elvis Presley
7:-) submitter is Fred Flintstone
submitter is Helen Keller
:/7) submitter is Cyrano de Bergerac
>:*) submitter is Bozo the Clown
#:o+= submitter is Betty Boop
_:^) submitter is an Indian
>>-O-> submitter is Gen. Custer
8(:-) submitter is Walt Disney
>:^( submitter is a headhunter (Amazon style)
-=#:-) submitter has wizard status
(: (=| submitter is going to be a ghost for Halloween...
=:-H submitter plays for NFL
(V)=| submitter is a pacman champion
M-),:X),:-M submitter sees no evil, hears no evil, speaks no evil
C):-O
C):-O
C):-O
C):-O submitter is a barbershop quartet
>:-( is sick and tired of reading this nonsense
;^? has punched out for submitting sexist article
|-O is bored by the article that you submitted
*-) is was shot for the last posting
~~\8-O needs to fix frayed cord on terminal
8-O has taken too many nodoz to work on thesis
L:-) just graduated
$-) just won the lottery
:-@ is extremely angry
:-)' tends to drool
:-o is shocked
B-)-[< is wearing sunglasses and swimming trunk
:-# has been punched in the mouth
R-) has broken glasses
:-7 talks out of side of mouth
%') finished fifth of lunch
:-(O) is yelling
. .
| is lying down
|:-) has heavy eyebrows
{:-) has new hair style
{:-{)} has new hair style, mustache and beard
(:-) has no hair
:~) has ugly nose (needs nose job)
:-E has major dental problems
C:-) has large brain capacity
:-) has mohawk
|:-| is excessively rigid
:-))) is very overweight
._) suffers from Lorentz contractions
:-G- smokes cigarettes
:-p~ smokes heavily
\:-) wears a french hat
]:-> is The Devil
8=:-) is a chef
$-) is a yuppie
{{-}}} is a refugee from the '60's
0-) is a cyclops
:<() is an African tribesman
<:-) is a Vietnamese peasant (unlikely)
=:-) is a hosehead
_____ is a computer
|O-O|
|:::|
Animals:
:V woodpecker
) Cheshire cat.
3:-o cow
~~~~8} snake
Well hope you enjoy the list of smileys...
Paul Martineau
K279371@Pavo.concordia.Ca
english.180dejanr,
NMSU (right outside of El Paso - In NM) was doing a
genetic engineering experiment. They wanted to mate a
human male and a female Gorilla. Not surprisingly, none of the
Grad. student would have sex with the Gorilla. So they put an
ad in the paper that read:
TEST SUBJECT WANTED
$500.00
Apply at NMSU GE Lab
So the people in the lab waited and waited until several weeks
later when a very thin man wearing cowboy boots, hat, and jeans
walks in. "Are ya'all the ones that posted that-there ad?" asked the
man. "Yes," said the secratary,"can I help you?"
" What do I have to do?"
"You have to have sex with the Gorilla."
"And thats it?"
"That's all."
"Let me think about it for a couple of days." said the Texan, "and it
was $500?"
" That's correct. 500 Dollars." replied the secratary.
A couple of days later the man returned. The secratary greeted the
man and asked him if he had decided.
"I have decided to do be in your experiment - on three conditions."
"Ok," said the woman," what are they?"
"First: The child will be named after me - Slim.
Second: It must be raised in the lone star state of Texas.
and Third: You'll have to give me a couple of days to
come up with the 500 dollars."
english.181dejanr,
A very attractive lady was standing in a bus line and was wearing a very
tight dress that buttoned up in the back. When the lady's turn came to
get on the bus, as much as she tried she couldn't lift herself up because
her dress was too tight.
The lady decided to open up one of the lower buttons of her dress. After
having done that, she tried once again to get on the bus but the dress was
still too tight. She opened another button and tried without any luck to
get on the bus. This happened a few times.
Finally, as the lady reached to open up yet another button, the big fellow
who was standing behind her in line leaned over and whispered in her ear,
"Look here lady! If you're planning on openning up another one of my pants'
buttons, you'd better get yourself ready for an automatic ejection into
the bus!!!"
english.182mifko,
Srela se dva lopova. I naravno dodje do toga kako im ide poso. Prvi
kaze:"Ma lose, ljudi imaju sve manje para, nikako mi bre ne ide
dzeparenje, a ovi murijaneri stegli li stegli". A drugi ce:"Pa budalo
jedna dodji kod mene R.. kod Stanka R., kradem, kradem i vise ne mogu
da stignem da sve pokradem, pa mi treba pomocnik. A sto se tice
murijanera, evo sutra treba da dobijem orden, i to bas od njih, jer
vise ne moraju da paze na mene sta cu da uradim jer je sve po
zakonu".
___________________________________________________________________
Razgovaraju dva crvena. Prvi ce:"Gde se bre zuris toliko, pa nece ti
zatvoriti radnju ispred nosa, jer rade do 11." "Ma vidi bre vec je 10
minuta do sedam sati, moze neko da glasa za Slobu pre mene"-odgovara
drugi. Al sam te preso ja sam glasao jos juce, pa ce Sloba mom necaku
dati stan od 200 kvadrata, jer sam prvi glasao za njega, a ne tvom
onom sestricu, koji i onako ima vec jedan boracki od 120kvadrata.
english.183kvelkovski,
What's the difference between a pregnant women and a light bulb?
- You can always unscrew the light bulb.
english.184dejanr,
This documentation came with a computer, English on one side, Korean
(I believe the manufacturer is in Korea) on the other. I hope it makes
more sense in Korean. All spelling errors are theirs.
When connected to led display please note following points:
1. How to connect the cable connector
A. When connect turbo led connector to led display card please note
the other connector which connected to your M/B please check on
the M/B is turbo led signed + or -, if yes please pin to pin connected
to the display card and turbo led on M/B.
B. If turbo led still not work that means your triggle pin on M/B does
not connected in turbo led connector so please check with your M/B
manual to find the triggle pin + or -, then pin to pin connected to
your turbgo led connector on display card. (If you don't know which
pin is the triggle pin then you have to try and error)
C. How to connected power cable to display card: There is 2 pin con-
nector cable red and black, red color stand + (+5v), black color
stand - (GND).
english.185dejanr,
Likely a true story:
The Sunday School class was talking about Noah and the rainbow and
a little girl spoke up: "God paints the rainbow with his left hand."
The teacher thought this cute and replied, "Well, I imagine God can
paint the rainbow with either hand." The little girl insisted that
he must paint it with his left hand. "Jesus is sitting on his right
hand."
Cute as hell, ain'it?
english.186dejanr,
Q: What animal has an asshole half-way up its back?
A: A police horse.
english.187dejanr,
A girl and her boyfriend arrive at her home late from a party, and find
that her parents have already gone to bed, and turned all the lights out.
Being in an aroused state, she sneaks him into her bedroom, and they start
a little cuddling. She warns him, though, not to make a noise, otherwise
her father will wake up and kill both of them.
After a short while, they disrobe, but before they start making love, he
says that he needs to go to the toilet.
"You can't use the toilet -- it's right next to my parents' room".
"But I've got to.""
"Hmmm... oh well, just tiptoe down the corridor, and use the kitchen sink".
She lies there, waiting, and waiting, and waiting... and suddenly, there's
a crash of pots falling.
She whispers urgently "What are you doing???"
He whispers back frantically "I can't find the paper".
english.188dejanr,
German joke.
There was a Mercedes driver, an Opel driver and a Ford driver who all
went parachuting together. The Mercedes driver jumped first, pulled the
cord and gently floated down. The Opel driver jumped next, pulled his
cord and gently floated down. The Ford driver then jumped, pulled his
cord and nothing happened, pulled the emergency cord and nothing
happened. He went shooting past the Opel driver who upon seeing him
go past said, "Nothing overtakes me", and promptly unharnessed his
parachute.
english.189dejanr,
It seems there was a captain in the KGB whose stupid son had great
difficulty understanding the concepts of the Party, the Motherland,
the Unions and the People. The captain told the boy to think of his
father as the Party, his mother as the Motherland, his grandmother
as the Unions and himself as the People. Still the boy did not under-
stand. In a rage the father locked the boy in a wardrobe in the
parental bedroom. That night the boy was still in the wardrobe when
the father started to make love to the mother. The boy watching
through the keyhole said, "Now I understand! The Party rapes the Motherland
while the Unions sleep and the People stand and suffer".
english.190dejanr,
I think goofy humans will do nicely.
The streets are swept, da bins are emptied, but this is not the work of the
Trumpton fire brigade.
Yonks! Caffine frenzy!
I'd rather eat Poodle kak than Fleetwood Mac.
Truly he is da son of Pob.
I smashed my head, wet my knickers and bit a bar stool on the leg.
Straight and alert, I'll drink to that.
Holy relics in brine Batman, do you really give head.
Shake your thang! Get on down! Hot lovin' Mr. One-Eye is back in town.
Sounds like the donkey can dig a tunnel.
Rummage thru ya undies Sir ?
The eyes of Bonny Langford are on me.
Bubble car bastard squad.
Ya see this jar of bumble bees? Well gimme a drink or I'll let 'em loose.
Rustle ma cow-poke.
More of de pork from Limey in New York.
Yeah! I seen Elvis down the boozer in full L.A. gear and a dong like a cruiser.
I want, I want home baked locust drippin' with gravy.
Three strands of cress and a whole fried prune. I kill cowboys with old trusty
spoon.
Hey Gringo, you wanna eat banana from pussy.
Whisky, beer and all the rest. Down 'em all and pee ma vest.
Chuffin, chunder, loud as thunder.
Manic ears, Dwarf beers.
The foul stench of unwashed clowns.
I've sucked my dry like an old bags gash, and thats official.
Okay guv, it's a fair crap.
Waah! Furious fashion cruelty.
Well nurse it's the worst case of Brugieytus I've ever seen.
Don't patronise me you shit, I'm going to cut your goddamn blue balls off.
Ooh! Pump me for info officer.
Mmm, young girls.. aah, with eyes like potatoes.
They walk down my nose into my mouth and down into my stomach, where they
re-enact famous murder trials throughout history.
Groovy boys, they don't care, they eat their greens and brush their hair.
Fee, Fum, Fickle Fee, by the the virgin vest of old Bruce Lee.
On the dole to get free coal.
Pants are no good unless they stick to the wall after you've taken them off.
Can you hear the sound of the enormous incontinence bag bursting.
Rakish homosexual trousers.
Fist 'o' iron, nose of putty, groovy boys is awfully smutty.
Your're a tramp, a drunk and an unfit mother.
Sir, sir, come quickly! Blatant rip-offs at 12 oclock sighted.
No ginger haired freaks stinking of figs. Gonna round 'em all up and shoot
'em like pigs.
Mine! Mine! My rubbery chicken.
Don't cream on my latrine.
english.191dejanr,
SKATE TOP 10 FACTS.
1) They are not related in anyway to grasshoppers.
2) They do not need feding after (or even before) midnight.
3) When skateboards and the old Bill meet, old Mr. Willy gets mucho
angry bastardish.
4) They do not taste good even when fried.
5) They are the creations of the Grand Emperor Ming the Merciless.
6) Usually they are bits of trees.
7) They have personal vendettas against kerbs.
8) They are bloody highly priced.
9) They begin life as fingerboards the grow through freestyle, street
and ramp size until they become long boards and promptly retire.
10) They make good pets and are guarenteed not to shit in your house.
HOW TO MAKE YOUR SKATEBOARD LIGHTER.
1. Go and get your skateboard
2. Speed across the kitchen and pop an ollie onto the table
3. Get screamed at by your mum
4. Run out to the garage and nick your dads toolbox
5. Take off trucks and risers etc.
6. Get pissed off 'cos the nuts are all rusty and rounded
7. Fart a well known tune backwards
8. Go to the freezer and nick the lid off an ice-cream box
9. Get whacked on the head by mums wooden spoon
10. Hide for 10 minutes and then go back to garage
11. Bolt one truck on the ice-cream box lid
12. GO SKATE
13. Fall off and break at least two bones14. Blaspheme for at least two minutes
15. Crawl into the nearest drain and play with your willy for 5 years
16. Advantage - Lighter board
Disadvantage - It don't f**kin' work
WHATS FOOL WHATS COOL
* felt tip crosses on * real tattoos in places
back of hands where it shows
* up turned crucifixes * happy shopper t-shirts
* "witty scousers" * drunk welshmen
* comfy baseball boots * hard-as-nails jack boots
* Amsterdam * any Soviet block city
* dancing to bands * heckling the sods
* skate shorts * cut off long johns
* Night Network * Married With Children
* Acid,House + Soul * Ska, Two-Tone + Guitars
* skatebording in general * just about anything without wheels
english.192dejanr,
TEN WHEEZES TO GET YOU INTO GIGS FOR FUCK ALL.
1) Phone up the concert hall, saying your're from the local free
advertiser rag and you want to do a whopping great feature on the venue,
but you can only make it along tonight, so you "might as well" see the
band as well. (Good for those with the gift 'o' gab.)
2) Alternatively, find out the name of the local paper's poncey old
rock 'critic' as they're always on the guest list. Use it early in the
evening while said hack is still being a mosterous old wino down the pub
3) Swipe your big bro's "LED ZEP WORLD TOUR 73" T-shirt, stuff a pillow
down the front for a wobbly beergut. Then wipe yourself down with a
greasy old sock, pour brown ale down your trousers and pass yourself
off as a roadie.
4) Find out which pub the band are getting sloshed in before the show,
swagger in looking mournful saying "well I used to go and see blah, blah
all the time when they played down the Dog and Cuttlefish, but MAN! The
ticket prices now... not like the old days... moan, gripe...". Bands are
complete suckers for pleasing long standing fans, will feel all guilty
about "selling out", and will instantly give you a back-stage pass so
you can go and drink their beer and fondle their groupies.
5) Leggit round and round the concert hall, find the toilet window,
clamber through, find it's the girlies loo and get brutally thrown out
for being a collosal pervvie.
6) Stand outside grovelling like a good 'un for "spare change". Get
pee'd off after you collect just 39p (and a greek coin). Beat up a small
person and steal their ticket.
7) Gather together a band of oppressed type punters, storm the
"imperialist lackeys" shoutig old beardo politico cliches, while the
kids take a good hammering from the bouncers sneak in and lose one
million karma points.
8) Spot some bod flogging unofficial band merchandise outside, tell the
security (who'll proceed to chase him down the road with baseball bats),
then get a pat on the head and a free entry for being a dirty grass.
9) Start blubbing and crying in front of the queue outside until some
foxy chick takes pity on you and gives you a spare ticket (and a bit
of the other later if your're a lucky cuss).
10) If all else fails, phone the venue, saying your're a mad-as-a-brush
veggie bomber or something and that you've planted a monumental
incendiary device in the building. You don't get to see the show but
neither does any other bastard.
english.193dejanr,
Listen to da sound of the big bone loaf! Adong or a mong, they'll suit me both.
I'm still alive -- I'm inside -- inside of what?
All the nice boys like an organic puppet doused in petrol.
I see London, I see France, I see Mongoose in underpants.
I said, I said, I said I got no balls.
Fuck, I hate trees.
Gadzooks, pecka party.
Be Bop A Lula, put my baby in a melon press, so fuckin A.
And its lend me ten pounds and I'll wack one up ya bum. And mother wake me up
early in the morning.
Snoggers tumble from the sky!! But I just slice pie.
Psst! They say the flies are as big as onions.
Da filth, da filth, da discount can 'o' beans.
I love creaming on a cucumber.
Can't be done missus. Sold it of to old star trekker.
Hey! Colour me in nude.
Can you hear the sound of the enormous clown car falling apart in the depths of
hell.
Me and pa we just hang loose. For a jolly good gobble, me give juice.
Then they break for recess and lay eggs in my pancreas.
Dunkin Donuts of the world unite, cover me wiv ya creamy fillings and squidge
all night.
Mom! Mom1 Come quick the cats taking heroin again.
I not tall. But better a little one which wriggle than a large one which sleep.
No scape goose I will be. For with the blood of baby lamb I spike thee tea.
Get ya tits oot for the lambs.
And we're one dimensional! I feel all wobbly.
Oh thank god, vibrator repair is here.
For christs sake, look, muppets on motorbikes all dripping with chod.
Cheroot, three squares a day and all da piss you can drink.
Bless the sky, by jove, indeed, ha ha sexface.
I like punk, I like sham. I got nicked for sexing spam.
Hubba Hubba. The king is dead, but shed no tear...for he has risen in full
easter bunny gear.
Can I say "Puss faced little pimp stick goose" now? No! Ah well...
Peckie-de-peck. Peckie-de-peck.
Fuck off, you stink of piss.
Just ya wait till the teeth men get here.
Bucket head bonk in shed.
How can I get rid of stretch marks?
People who live in glass houses shouldn't have sex on the carpet.
Now you've done it, I'm as mad as a goose on stilts.
Hands aloft, the one who's choffed.
I love rock 'n' roll, strip me down and grease my pole.
Fat and sassy, just eaten lassy.
Tractor men, they know all. Bring your own truss, we'll have a ball.
Beware my son of the furiously pert balloons.
Chicken pot pie. Chicken pot pie. I wanna chicken pot pie.
Fuck this and fuck that. Fuck it all and gimme back my fuckin' rubber mat.
Rattle snake trowel.
Casual sex. Fisheye spex.
Good gracious. Speckledy eggs by the gross,
Welcome to the pleasure gnome.
You take one step closer and I'll slit your throat, you mung encrusted
camel fucker.
Bubble car, bee in jar.
Pig in suspenders being bummed by alien benders.
Slap up wobble bottom.
I already did. Now I hear music in through my feet.
My brain is awash with guilt and swimming in a sea of tacks.
Like a virgin, jostled by mad balloons for the very first time.
Remember kids, don't eat dung so soft you don't enjoy it.
I would gladly sell my parents into white slavery to purchase one of these.
At three o'clock every night bugs come out of the floor and climb up my back
and down the part in my hair.
Sucker ass goose, your time is up.
The moment I wake up I put on a little make up and spill my wad over you.
s'right.
A dozen hot kippers and a plate of your famous buttered mong.
Amazin'! Toads the size of chocolate taxis.
Porridge enamas for all concerned.
Bring on de dancin' gurlz wiv wackin' great tits. Here another dose of eurobitz
Sex, drugs and postman pat mugs.
De fluff ya navel madam.
Noddy and Big Ears, Lord Snooty makes three. All in pervert trousers and
stinking of Brie.
MORE LATER !!!
english.194dejanr,
| | ' '
\ \ ` \ | ' / / '
` /
- _ ###### ###### ## ## ####### -
_ ## ## ## # ## ## - _
- ## ## ## # ## ##### -
- ## ## ##### ## - _
_ ## ###### # # ## -
/ ' Toxic Custard| Workshop Files ` \
/ ' Number 30|- 7/1/91 | \ `
' | | ` `
MEET THE K.G.B.
Following the spread of Glasnost throughout Europe, the KGB will open
its doors next week to the public for an open day. The new "caring"
KGB wants to show you how they are no longer trying to being the onset
of the demise of Western civilisation. Call into your local KGB
hideout today to find out more details. Or drop into an American
embassy or government office, go to a wall and shout into it that you
want more information into it (remember to say your address as well).
A coded leaflet written in invisible ink will be despatched to your
home by the next post.
During the KGB Open Day, you can see:
- the very latest in bugging equipment, now available for commercial use
- this winter season's umbrellas, all specially imported from Czechoslovakia
- new developments in high-velocity bullets
- for the kiddies - try out the torture chamber on your little sister!
Call now, on (**) ***-****
GALACTIC TELEPHONE COMMISSION - INTERPLANETARY DIAL DIRECT (IDD)
----------------------------------------------------------------
To Direct Dial: a. Dial 0029, the Intergalactic Access Code, then
b. the planet code, then
c. the country code, then
d. the area code, then
e. the telephone number.
For example, to call the Wangazoon people of Mantanjax 5 in the city of
Froz, dial 0029 - 207 - 17 - 213 - and the local telephone number.
Note that unless you speak Wangazoonian, you may need to purchase an
additional translator module.
Meanwhile, far away in the Andes, the author discovered a piece of parchment
which was found to contain none other than the telephone number he had been
looking for. With a hop, skip and an air-fare, he had arrived at a telephone
box, only to be greeted by a ten-foot-high raw carrot with a handlebar
moustache.
The carrot (which was later found to be made of extruded poly-vinyl
and glouro-wankizade) stood motionless, as he consoled it with a rather
large cricket bat (with a brick attached to one end). And burst into song
with the next bit:
SMILEY FASHION REPORT IN BRIEF
This Summer, short is IN!
So, get rid of your daggy old :-) 's, and start stocking
up on the new, dynamic :)
SPORT REPORT
And now a look ahead to the game of January 15th, between the
Coca-Cola Desertshield Yankees, and the Sadam Giants. The arena for
this showdown will be the Kuwaiti Football Arena, and despite the low
spectator turn-out expected, the worlds' press will be there to
report on the game.
There are threats that the game will be cancelled; rumours persist
that team coaches may organise a deal to split the prize trophy (The
Kuwait Cup) in two. But should the game go ahead, both sides are
confident of victory. We spoke to Yankees coach George Bush from his
club-house in Washington.
"We want that trophy, an' we sure as hell are gonna kick those boys
butts all the way back to their changin' room... And there ain't no-one
gonna stop us!" he said. He denied that there would be a repeat performance
of their last major tournament, when the Yankees lost to the Ho Chi Minh
All-Stars. "It'll only take us ten minutes to prepare, and then we'll be
ready for them."
The Giants coach was unavailable for comment, but a spokesman said
that "if the game goes ahead, we will step on their heads. That is OUR
trophy, and we also demand that the Arafat United Football Team be
re-awarded their the medal that was taken from them by Shamir Hotspurs."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This has been TCWF#30, a production of the Confederation of Citizens
against Volvo Parking-lights. Written in its entirety (except for the
letter `a' in the third paragraph) by *ME*. Complaints, comments
etc to rec.humor.d please (or mail). *NOW AVAILABLE* The Bestestestest
of Toxic Custard (Vol.1) - six-hundred and twenty-five lines of crap!
To receive it, or to get TCWF direct through e-mail, just mail
vac122g@vx24.cc.monash.edu.au
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUITE POSSIBLY COMING SOON TO TCWF:
- An entire joke written exclusively for the American market
- Othello and Desdemona have a minor domestic squabble over the VCR
--
DANIEL BOWEN, Monash University |I think some people are like soft-boiled eggs.
somewhere in Melbourne Australia| Beneath the hard exterior, they're all soft
vac122g@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au | and gooey. And some people are like fried
vac122g@vx24.cc.monash.edu.au | eggs; they're turned over easy... [DAAS]
english.195dejanr,
A Mismatched Pair of Gloves
... A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart,
and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department
store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a
pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got
mixed up. The sister got the gloves, and the sweetheart got the
panties. Without checking the contents, the man sealed the
package and sent it to her with this note...
Dearest Darling,
This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten your
birthday. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in
the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it
had not been for your younger sister's advice, I would have
chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short
ones that are very easy to remove. These are a delicate shade,
but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been
wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had the
sales girl try them on, and she really looked smart. I wish I
could put them on you for the time. No doubt that other men's
hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to
see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from
wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them, or they
might shrink. I hope you will like them, and will wear them for
me on Friday night!
All my love....
P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming
year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with
the fur showing.
english.196dejanr,
The best line I've ever heard actually used in such a situation was
when I was in a friends clapped out old mini van. The speedo on this van
had ceased to work a long while back and we were stopped.The conversation
started:
Police Officer: "Do you know how fast you were going Sir?"
Driver:"I'm not absolutely sure officer the speedo doesn't work and
I was estimating the speed from fuel consumption"
It turns out that we were only stopped for a dodgy brake light but
after that little start-off several other offences were taken into account.
--------------
A friend of a friend of a.... was pulled over by the #%*!ing cops and prompted
with the well know question,
"Mr., do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
To which he replied,
"No sir, my FEDERALLY MANDATED speedometer only goes up to 85 mph."
--------------
If you live here in Southern California try hittin' him with this line:
"What seems to be the PROBLEM, PONCHERRELLO?"
For added effect, make sure you have a New York Driver's license and
use a good, strong Brooklyn accent - You'll be down at the station in no time.
--------------
Reminds me of an old, true story, told by my brother-in-law.
One of his friends, also a cab driver!!!, got stopped by the
cops. They asked to see his flying certificate (har, har, funny
cop, right?). Well, he DID have a certificate, and that's what
he showed them.
They let him go....
--------------
Well, if you get stopped for speeding in Georgia, and the cop asks you "When
was the last time you saw something moving that fast through the South?",
DON'T answer "Sherman."
too ashamed to add a sig...
english.197dejanr,
The questions remind me of two events that happened during the Napoleonic
wars in Europe. At Napoleon's birthday everybody had to put candles in the
window, to celebrate the emperor's birthday.
The churches in Rome did not like the idea, so they set up the candles such
that they form the letters INRI. When taken to respondability by the occupying
authorities, they answered that they meant:
Imperator Napoleon Rex Italiae (=Emperor Napoleon King of Italy)
A German went even further. He set up his candles in the shape ZWANG
(= duress). His explanation was that this stands for:
Zur Weihe An Napoleons Geburtstag (= As a celebration of Napoleon's
Birthday)
Gabor Hetyei
english.198dejanr,
Some tasteless jokes:
What's smaller than a teeny-weeny flea?
A flea's teeny weenie.
What happens when a Vulcan woman's tampon fails?
She gets Toxic Spock Syndrome.
Hear about the blind skunk who tried to rape a fart?
How can you tell when you've passed an elephant?
The toilet gets clogged.
Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?
So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
Hear about the new Quayle bond available on Wall Street?
It has no interest, no principal, and no maturity.
What's a baby before it's born?
Daddy's little squirt.
What's the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?
A hematologist pricks your finger...
What do you call E.T. with no morals?
E.Z.
Why do men swim faster than women?
Because they have a rudder.
What do you do when your Kotex catches fire?
Throw it on the floor and Tampon it.
Why do Mexicans eat beans every day?
So they can take a bubble bath at night.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.
Secretary: "May I use your Dictaphone?"
Boss: "Use your finger like everyone else."
Hear about the guy with the four-inch dick?
Some women like it, but others complain it's just too wide.
Hear about the retarded Arab terrorists?
They attacked the Special Olympics.
english.199dejanr,
My wife, bless her heart, is one of those sensitive people who feels
that minorities are continually being wronged here in America.
Some time ago, she got on the bandwagon about the imprisonment of
Japanese-Americans during world war II.
Over the holidays, there was a mention of this injustice during a
TV show we were watching, and she started up again. "There's even
one of those camps near here," she informed me.
"Is it still there?" I asked. "Or has some developer from Japan
turned it into a golf course?"
english.200dejanr,
This pair is going steady for some time. One day the he asks her to go with
him for a drive. After driving for 20 miles, he stops the car and
he: let's do IT.
she: No I don't want to.
he : Let's do IT or you walk back home.
She walks back home. At night she notes in her diary: "LEGS ARE THE BEST
FRIENDS OF A GIRL"
After a week he makes up with her and again they go for a drive. After driving
40 miles, he stops the car and
he: let's do IT.
she: No I don't want to.
he : Let's do IT or you walk back home.
She walks back home. At night she notes in her diary: "LEGS ARE THE BEST
FRIENDS OF A GIRL"
After a week he makes up with her and again they go for a drive. After driving
60 miles, he stops the car and
he: let's do IT.
she: No I don't want to.
he : Let's do IT or you walk back home.
She walks back home. At night she notes in her diary: "LEGS ARE THE BEST
FRIENDS OF A GIRL"
After a week he makes up with her and again they go for a drive. After driving
80 miles, he stops the car and
he: let's do IT.
She thinks walking back 80 miles is a pain so might as well......
At night when he leaves her home she notes in her diary
"LEGS ARE THE BEST FRIENDS OF A GIRL...but at times
best friends HAVE TO PART!!!"
english.201dejanr,
In another posting, someone commented that the Chicago Trib has a fairly high
humor quotient. Could be. In this morning's Albuquerque Urinal, there's an
article by Clarence Petersen of the CTrib, yclept "Pardon These Puns ...".
I've heard none of them before, so you folks all get to read 'em right here,
on rec.humor.
To avoid copyright grumbles, I'll rephrase the things significantly.
Today's installment:
The world-famous Indianapolis 500 is held at the Indianapolis Speedway, and
during racing times (I suspect the Indy 500 is the worst), the neighbors have
to put up with a lot of foul-smelling fumes.
Well, it seems some of the residents there are Mad as Hell, and Aren't Going
to Take It Any More. A suit has been filed in the District Court there,
seeking damages for Indy scent exposure.
...
Along a similar line, a friend of mine asked me a few months ago if the
Indiana State Fair was administered by the Bureau of Indiana Fairs.
Thank Lee Skinner for that one.
Well, anyway, Petersen also mentions that there's this newsletter called
"The Pundit", published by The International Save the Pun Foundation. Twenty
bucks for a year's subby. Write 'em at Box 5040, Station A, Toronto, Canada
M5W 1N4.
I'm writing for mine tomorrow.
Aficionados would probably rather starve than eat canned chili,
and after sampling 26 brands, we can understand why.
-- Oct. 90 Consumer Digest
Duke McMullan n5gax nss13429r phon505-255-4642 ee5391aa@hydra.cirt.unm.edu
english.202dejanr,
>In parts of Texas the usual rule for constructing the word for a person
>from X town makes it Xite. For example, Dallasite. N too far from Dallas
>is the small town of Paris, Texas. The people from there are called...
>No. "Parisians."
The late H. Allen Smith "retired" to the town of Alpine, Texas. In his de-
lightful collection, _Rude_Jokes_, he includes the following:
ENTER QUOTATION MODE
Community pride is a nice thing to contemplate. Some of you have
heard of this town of Alpine, not too far from here. The next community to
the west of Alpine is Marfa -- named for a female character in a Russian
novel.
A fella in El Paso, name of Arbuckle, wrote to me recently and said:
"If a citizen of Dallas is a Dallasite, and a citizen of Houston is a Hous-
tonite, would a citizen of Marfa be a Marfadite?"
One morning at the postoffice I mentioned this to a citizen of Al-
pine, and it called back the days of his youth. He said that when he was in
high school the football rivalry between Alpine and Marfa was intense. The
Alpine students had a special cheer which was only used in the annual game
against Marfa. They would yell in unison across the field:
"Go, Marfadites, Go!"
Said the proud Alpineite there on the postoffice steps: "Always ended
up in the goddamndest fist fights you ever saw. And we won them, too."
EXIT QUOTATION MODE
Source: _Rude_Jokes_, copyright 1970 by H. Allen Smith
Taken from page 91 of the Fawcett Gold Medal paperback edition
english.203dejanr,
I've heard:
She described an actress by saying, "She runs the gamut of
emotions from A to B."
Reviewing "Winnie the Pooh" in her column "Constant Reader", she
concluded, "Tonstant Weeder fwoed up."
And who can forget her remark at the Hallowe'en party,
"Ducking for apples,-- change one letter and it's the story of my life."
Possibly all apocryphal, but if she didn't say them, she should have!
I vaguely remember another one from Dorothy (rough translation through
dying synapses):
The wife of one of here famous friends, I forget who, was pregnant and
playing the role to the max. Every time you talked to (let's call her
Mary), she was moaning about her condition, fussing about dire
possibilities, worried about names, etc. So when she finally had the
baby, Dorothy wired her the following telegram:
Good work, Mary. We all knew you had it in you!
english.204dejanr,
Ah yes, the great Ms. Parker:
At a halloween party: "Ducking for apples, change a letter and it's the
story of my life."
At a cocktail party: "One more drink and I'll be under the host."
On hearing the demise of Calvin Coolidge: "How can they tell?"
Rumored epitaph on her urn: EXCUSE MY DUST.
Senor Coyote
english.205dejanr,
My favorite (possibly apocryphal) Dorothy Parker story:
Entering the ladies' room of a fancy restaurant, a catty young thing
held the door for D.P, waved her in, and meowed "Age before beauty!"
D.P. marched in grandly, and said loudly, "And pearls before swine!"
english.206dejanr,
And my favorite from Dorothy Parker is the story about when she was
being shown an apartment for rent, and she said, "No, no, no, this
appartment is too large. All I want is a place to lay my hat and a
few friends!"
For this, and a lot more Dorothy Parker stories see the book "Smart Aleck" by
Howard Teichmann (1976). The book is about the life and times of Alexander
Woollcott. Dorothy Parker belonged to Woollcott's inner circle. When
Woollcott invited her over to his summer house in Vermont, Dorothy showed up
with just a small suitcase and spent two weeks on the island wearing not much
more than a hat!
english.207dejanr,
I seem to remember another one of her quotes:
"If all the sorority girls at Princeton were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't
be at all surprised." Or something like that.
english.208dejanr,
Original piece by Steve Connelly. Some of the humor is "local" but
most, I think, is broad enough for all to enjoy.
My involvement with the scientific data visualization project of Drs.
Ravelo and El Batanouny project began unceremoniously several months ago. One
day I was in my office unpacking my take-out lunch from Beijing restaurant.
I had ordered a number two, but they were out, so they gave me two number
ones. "Hmm. What is number one? It looks like some kind of shredded flesh
in a brown sauce. Oh yes, Shredded Flesh in Brown Sauce! And what's this...
Tang Ho Duck Sauce. Ingredients: water, sugar, ducks...." That's when I
overheard Glenn and Laura in the hallway talking about a project involving the
videotaping of an animation of a physical simulation. The data had to be
transferred to our Unix system from the IBM mainframe running VPS, a huge
operating system written by our own department. My next encounter with the
project occurred soon afterward when Glenn unlocked my door, turned on the
lights, peered under my desk, and told me I was doing the project. He
explained it to me in great detail.
"...And make sure the file transfer utility converts the Ebcdic to
Ascii."
"Ebcdic?"
"Yes. That's the character set used on the VPS system."
"What do the letters in 'EBCDIC' stand for?"
"Ascii. 'ASCII' becomes 'EBCDIC' in the Ebcdic character set. Any
other questions?"
"Yes. Do we have a resume-quality laser printer?"
In computer graphics, all projects begin with the same preparatory
steps, regardless of the specific application. My first step is always
to ask Tim and Chris how to do the project. I found them working in our
terminal room. Tim was wearing headphones which were plugged into his CD
player. Shouting so he could hear me, I asked him if he could take off his
headphones so that I wouldn't have to shout. He took them off and music
blared all over the room. Now we were both shouting.
"Glenn told me to get VPS files onto videotape."
"VPS? You should've hid under your desk."
"I did, but he found me."
"Great. Now where are we gonna hide?"
"He didn't suspect anything. I told him I was flossing my toes, which
happened to be under my desk. So, can you tell me about VPS files?"
He insisted he knew nothing about VPS and couldn't even spell the name.
He put his headphones back on. I stepped over to Chris, who was wearing
headphones and screeching, "Rah-xanne. You don' haf to turn on dee red light."
His headphones were not plugged into anything. He saw me and took the
phones off.
"How are you today, Chris."
"Nominal."
"Why do you wear headphones?"
"Because when Tim takes his off, it's too loud in here."
"I see. Can you tell me about VPS files?"
Chris turned away, and put the headphones back on.
"Chris, don't make me shout."
"Raaaaaaah-xanne....."
"Chris, there's no music."
"....I can't hear you when I sing this song. Rah-xanne...."
I was trapped. I considered ending it all. I thought about pulling
my own head off but Glenn had already put on my graphics lab head harness,
a sort of football helmet with leather straps running under your arms.
I thought about eating five Taco Bell lampshade salads, and then waiting
while the mixture congealed in my stomach and then burst through my ribcage
as a slimy reptilean alien wearing a sombrero. No, too slow. I thought about
openly preaching teetotalism during a baseball game at Fenway Park.
No, too bloody.
I had no choice but to deal with the VPS files. The files were
about 60 megabytes a piece, and for some unknown reason they couldn't be
transferred correctly using the file transfer utility. I tried to ask Jason
if he could help me. He wasn't in his office. I checked his whereabouts on
the department-wide online locator, and learned that he had gone out to lunch
at 11:53am on November 11, 1982. I had no choice but to go down to the first
floor.
All the real VPS programmers are on the first floor so that they don't
hurt themselves when they jump out the window. I went to John's office,
opened the door, turned on the lights, peered under the desk, and told him
there was a bug in VPS. He started to shake, his eyes bulged, and his hair
stood straight up. His head turned purple and his veins stood out. He was
having a VPS-debugging flashback. His jugular vein couldn't stand the strain
and it burst open. A thin high-pressure stream of blood sailed across the
room. He slapped a yellow post-it note on his neck to stop the bleeding. He
screamed and jumped headfirst through the window. The new transparent
sun-blocking sheet wallpapered on the window didn't let it shatter as much as
usual, so only half of his body got through the window. I went over to his
terminal and updated his entry on the online locator: "In and out all day."
We ended up moving the research data onto tape and reading the tape
onto our own machine, using our own program to convert Ebcdic to Ascii.
I have a program that converts one-sixth of the Ebcdic character set to Ascii,
if anyone needs it.
Now that we could get the VPS files, I had to find alot of disk
space to store the enormous files on. I decided to borrow a disk pack
from a Vax in the Engineering Department. However, when I opened the drive,
the disk was spinning very fast, and it took off like a frisbee and flew out
the window. I ran outside and followed the flying disk. It landed at the
exitway from Fenway Park. I couldn't get to the disk because the game had
just ended and fans were walking over the disk. It was Cleet Night at Fenway.
The fans ended up kicking the disk onto the trolley tracks, where it was run
over several times. I got the disk and managed with some difficulty to fit it
back into the Vax's drive. That violent spinning was a real nuisance; I
sent a memo to Hillary suggesting that something was wrong with that disk.
It appeared that I would have to find room on our current disk
storage devices. I started moving files around and deleting unnecessary ones.
There were large files called 'Miss_June', 'Miss_July', etc. I couldn't
delete them; the lab takes its silicone graphics very seriously. I deleted a
large file called 'vmunix', a file named 'raises.pending', and several files
named 'help'. I deleted the directory 'Voyager/images/originals'. I looked
in 'CS101/assignment_1', which had subdirectories for each student. Upon
further investigation, I determined that each student was working on a
program, but all the programs were intended to do exactly the same thing!
I thought such redundancy was unnecessary, so I deleted all but one of the
programs. Then I deleted 'Giles/cold_fusion/formulas' and 'Fermat/proofs'.
In a few days we could read the data and turn it into pictures. Thus,
for the first time we were presented with visual confirmation of Ravelo's
molecular dynamics simulation of the Au(111) surface, research which would
eventually lead to ultra-cheap, molecule-sized computer memories. The research
is based upon the new non-linear technique called soliton theory, a theory
involving dots wiggling around, slowly changing from blue to red. We figured
the dots represented molecules on the Au(111) surface. I assumed that Au
stood for aluminum.
Laura mentioned that the dots should start out as an aquamarine color.
I said, "Dr. Ravelo wanted blue and red dots on a black background."
"Aqua will look blue on videotape."
"What should red be?"
"Yellow."
"Black?"
"Dark Gray."
Dr. Ravelo checked in and was pleased with our results. However,
he was uncertain about the dynamics that occurred during one particular
simulation. He called his co-researcher to discuss this. I eavesdropped, but
they were talking shop in a jargon all their own: NSF, DOE, blanket PO, CV
padding, honorarium, tenure track, INS, green card.... Molecular physics is
over my head.
Ravelo hung up the phone.
"Apparently, there is no problem. There is simply more volatility in
the surface of gold than I thought."
"Gold? No, this is the simulation of aluminum."
"No. Au(111). Au is gold."
I grabbed him in a headlock and rapped my knuckles painfully on the
top of his head.
"Hello? Anyone home? Earth to Ravelo? You're trying to make cheap
computer memory out of gold? Are you nuts?"
The project reached completion quite smoothly, I thought. All's well
that ends. There was a memorable moment of personal satisfaction, other than
getting the monthly update of the departmental organization chart and seeing
that I was still on it. At one point Dr. Ravelo explained that my program
should take certain actions when a there was a particular relationship between
the x-coordinate and the y-coordinate. He wrote the relationship as it
appeared in his own Fortran program:
IF ((ODD(x) AND EVEN(y)) OR (ODD(y) AND EVEN(x)) THEN etc, etc.
He asked me if my language, C, had the functions ODD and EVEN, and I said no.
He had sympathy for me because I would have to write my own versions of
functions that already exist in Fortran. On his paper I wrote with a
flourish another version of that expression:
IF (x+y & 1) etc, etc. QED.
Steve Connelly
english.209dejanr,
There's the story about the man that walks into a house of ill
repute in Reno and says "I'll give $20,000 to any woman here who'll
come into the desert with me and do it MY way."
One of the ladies agrees, and off they go driving into the desert.
After about an hour she gets curious, and asks him "Just what is
your way?"
"On credit."
english.210dejanr,
<source unknown, no copyright notice on it>
JEAN PAUL SARTRE
for Dodge Dartre
In my journey to the end of the night, I must rely not only on the
dialectical paths of reason. I must have a good solid automobile,
one that eschews the futile trappings of worldly ennui and asks for
only the most basic maintenance. My _Dodge Dartre_ offers me this basic
solace, and as interior parts fall off I am struck by the realisation
of their pointlessness. I may not know if the window is up or down.
It is of no consequence.
english.211dejanr,
Such is the life cycle of a new newsgroup:
1) The initial request:
I think I'd like to start a new newsgroup. There has been a lot
of traffic in rec.large, and I'd like to start rec.large.ball.
I think that the current large group would be better off with
the ball oriented issues separate.
2) The encouragement:
Yes to rec.large.ball. I vote yes.
I think rec.large.ball is a great Idea.
3) The CFD
This is an official call for discussion for the group
rec.large.ball. (etc,etc)
4) The opposition
I like to read about all rec.large things, including balls,
and I'd like to keep them together, so I don't have to look
through 2 groups.
I think rec.large.ball is too closely related to other rec.large
topics, and the crossposting rate would be too great.
Don't separate rec.large. I vote NO.
Maybe we should reorganize rec.large, after all, there could be
a rec.large.head, and a rec.large.feet, and rec.large.ega, too.
5) The name calling
You're an Idiot, anyone with any sense at all would see that
rec.large.ball is needed, whereas those other groups don't have
the volume to justify separation. Some jerkoff's just don't
understand usenet (ed. see insulting usenet morals)
You a**h*l*, you know there is enough volume there, and I'm
mailing Elliot to tell him that, too. You haven't followed
all of the procedures, and I'm gonna tell him that, too.
Sheesh.
6) The insulting of usenet morals
You haven't called for votes yet, the original call for
discusstion didn't specify time periods. You have no idea
what usenet is all about!!
7) The call for votes
This is a call for votes. THe voting period:...
the charter will be similar to comp.unix.large as it applies
to rec.large, but only refering to balls. To mail - MAIL -
your votes in, mail to bigshot@backbone.UUCP and include
either Yes or No in the subject line. You may include comments
in the body of the mail.
8) The correction
The call for votes should have gone to bigwig@backbone.UUCP,
NOT bigshot@backbone.UUCP.
9) The mass acknowledgement
This is a mass acknowledgement:
(Yes) (798)
al@thrumnal.uunet (Big Al)
burt@hasley.ARPA (Chris Burt)
.
.
.
(No) (8)
sexton@portal.uunet (Richard Sexton)
.
.
.
10) The attack of the Vote
The vote is invalid. Administrators, the vote is invalid,
I count 5 people on the ack list that I haven't even heard of.
I think BIFF voted, too.
11) The passage
By a count of 915 to 10, rec.large.ball passes. It should appear
within a week or two.
12) The complaint
It's been two weeks, and I haven't gotten ONE rec.large.ball.
Does anyone know if dinkwater.UUCP gets rec?
--
Maybe this ought to be anonymous.
english.212dejanr,
This is the one-liner file annual, a collection of the various short jokes,
puns and one liners that didn't excite me enough to be given a posting of
their own, but yet are still worth reading.
Now an apology -- I let this file sit for quite some time, and when I
came to look at it today, the middle of it was garbage -- blocks from
other files. Sadly it is this way on the backups, too. So it is
far shorter than it should be. If you submitted something, and got
a note that it would go in the oneliner file, and it isn't here (with your
name or somebody else's -- don't just grep for your name, I removed
duplicates) you can send it again with a note that it's for the oneliner file.
------------------------------------
From: bevans%gauss.unm.edu@ariel.unm.edu (Mathemagician)
Subject: Neutron Bomb II
Paraphrased from "Global Village News" from Nickelodeon:
The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
------------------------------------
From: dbrooks@osf.org (David Brooks)
Subject: Infant sexuality
Heard on WEEI Boston today:
"[A recent survey finds that] 15-to-19-year-olds now have fewer sexual
partners than they did ten years ago."
And you thought they were playing doctors and nurses.
------------------------------------
From: an@??.UUCP
That money talks, I'll not deny.
I heard it once. It said "good-bye".
------------------------------------
From: koreth@ucscb.ucsc.edu (Steven Grimm)
Subject: So how come they all have oily hair?
How did the computer scientist die in the shower?
He read the directions on the shampoo: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
------------------------------------
From: CHRONISTER@sysa.rutgers.edu (Ben Chronister)
Subject: College
College is a fountain of Knowledge... and the students are there to drink.
------------------------------------
From: milun@cs.buffalo.edu (Davin Milun)
Subject: An apple a day
Think of how much fun you could have with the doctor's wife and a
bucket of apples.
------------------------------------
From: jkw%beta@lanl.gov (Jay Wooten)
Subject: Merger
Did you hear about the merger between Honeywell and Fairchild ? The new
company will be known as: Fairwell Honeychild
------------------------------------
From: postpischil@alien.enet.dec.com (Eric)
Subject: Product advertising claim
[This is original.]
There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you
buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back
and demand a refund?
------------------------------------
From: george@sbcs.sunysb.edu
Subject: Math/Light-bulb joke (original)
Q: How many ancient Greek mathematicians does it take to replace
a light-bulb?
A: Infinitely many! The first does half the job, the next a quarter,
the third does one-eighth etc.
------------------------------------
From: bwhite@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu (Bill White)
Subject: Mathematics, original (as far as I know!)
Q: What's a polar bear?
A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
------------------------------------
From: Anurag.Acharya@natasha.mach.cs.cmu.edu
Subject: spring break
Dumb Q: When the heck is Spring break ?
Dumb A: Spring break is the time of the year when half the nation's coeds are
in two pieces.
------------------------------------
From: root@agent99.dell.com (Ron McDowell)
Subject: obfuscated manual entry
>From the X-windows xwud(1) man-page...
This is a crude version of a more advanced utility that has never been written.
------------------------------------
From: hiebeler@turing.cs.rpi.edu (Dave Hiebeler)
Subject: cafeteria cows
Jeff Marder told this one on Fox's "Comic Strip Live", 3/10/90:
When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
------------------------------------
From: SCOTT@ithaca.UUCP
Subject: What do you have if?
"What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in
the other hand?"
"One HELL of a moth!!"
------------------------------------
From: georgem@microso.UUCP (George MOORE)
Subject: The Master of Macabre
"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not
true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk."
-- Steven King, 3/8/90
------------------------------------
From: icsu7039@nero.cs.montana.edu (Spannring)
Subject: marriage
The tri stages of sex in marriage-
1) Tri-weekly
2) Try-weekly
3) Try-weakly
------------------------------------
From: UD009831@vm1.nodak.edu (Steve Penoncello)
Subject: Medical survey results
Heard on Leno's monologue a few weeks ago:
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
------------------------------------
From: GREG@pomona.claremont.edu (Tigger)
Subject: New VAX/VMS command
Several people on the BITNET RELAY system one night decided that Digital
needs to add a new command to VAX/VMS:
$ SET TIME/DAY=FRIDAY/DATE=BLONDE
------------------------------------
From: 392904634@uwplatt.edu
Subject: fat women
What do you call a 300 pound woman in Minnesota?
Anemic.
------------------------------------
From: masticol@cs.rutgers.edu (Steve)
Subject: How to achieve peace in our time
"If people ate what they killed,
there would be NO MORE WARS!"
------------------------------------
From: davidp@labtam.oz.au (David Purdue)
Subject: The wonders of modern technology!
Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so
fast it can photograph an American with his mouth shut!
------------------------------------
From: RICH@suhep.phy.syr.edu (Richard S. Holmes)
Subject: Laws of motion, revised (#1)
Reichel's Law:
A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by an
outside force. (Carol Reichel)
------------------------------------
From: trb@ima.ima.isc.com (Andrew Tannenbaum)
Subject: more IBM bashing
Organization: Interactive Systems, Cambridge, MA 02138-5302
IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
------------------------------------
From: jtk@mordor.s1.gov (Jordan Kare)
Subject: Making a Killing (Original)
The price of political asassinations in Eastern Europe
has dropped by a factor of two in recent weeks.
It seems the KGB is going out of business, so they're
having a liquidation sale.
------------------------------------
From: chuck%bose (Chuck Cox)
Subject: brown-nose vs. shithead
Heard during Will Durst's routine at Catch a Rising Star...
What's the difference between a brown-noser and a shithead?
Depth perception.
------------------------------------
From: larry@birdsong.uucp (Lawrence T. Hardiman)
Subject: Movie Ratings
Organization: Birdsong -- A Private System
Q: What does the new movie rating "NC-17" stand for?
A: Not in Cincinati or within 17 miles thereof.
------------------------------------
From: FIN13@msu.UUCP (Mary.Nelson)
Subject: work (lack of)
I clipped this Frank and Ernest comic out of the paper about a year ago:
Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. "Ever since
they threatened to fire me," Frnak replied.
------------------------------------
From: dunc@eecg.toronto.edu (Duncan Elliott)
Subject: The doctoral candidate's creed ...
Death before dissertation.
------------------------------------
From: harry@uunet.uu.net
Subject: Signature Hits the point
"The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like
someone beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I
can see why!" -- Harry Skelton (harry@usrgrp)
------------------------------------
From: emery@cs.utexas.edu (Emery Berger)
Subject: Volkswagen headache
Q. What do you call it when someone rubs a Volkswagen van on your head?
A. A Fahrvergnoogie.
------------------------------------
From: C3S@cornellc.cit.cornell.edu (Mike Scullin)
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master merely stays out
of the way.
------------------------------------
From: fs@uwasa.fi (Filip Sawicki LAKE)
Subject: Saloon I
A skeleton in the saloon:
"One beer and one towel, please !"
------------------------------------
From: cagney@uunet.uu.net (Andrew Cagney - aka Noid)
Subject: Definition of sloppy
sloppy: /'slopi/,
a) adj, -pier, -piest, 1. muddy, slushy or very wet. 2. week,
silly or maudlin. 3. loose, careless or slovenly.
b) noun, colloq, -s, student living of parents, pre-yuppie stage.
----
It's much more descriptive than YUPPY, DINKY et.al. [part of the definition
is lifted from `The Macquarie']
------------------------------------
From: MA8081@primea.dundee.ac.uk (Dave Elsworth)
Subject: Defintions
Definition:-
Spoonerism: Having wrubble with your turds.
------------------------------------
From: sayah_k@unicom.UUCP (KIANUSCH... Yes, Kianusch himself !!!)
Subject: Lifestyle
Organization: Science Computer Center, Marin Community College, Kentfield CA
Make WAR not SEX,
it's safer!
------------------------------------
From: dave@lsuc.on.ca (David Sherman)
Subject: cut here (from a recent Usenet posting)
--------- if you cut here, you'll probably destroy your monitor ----------
(source code appeared next)
------------------------------------
From: fradkin@cz6.ics.uci.edu (Jim Fradkin)
Subject: animals in pantyhose
Q: How many animals can you find inside a lady's pantyhose?
A: Fourteen. Ten little piggies, two calves, a beaver,
and a dead fish you never can seem to find!
------------------------------------
From: ark@research.att.com
Subject: answering machine message [original]
Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.
------------------------------------
From: greg@dekalb.UUCP (Greg Philmon)
Subject: Radio joke
Recently on an Atlanta radio station, they were playing one of their "mock
commercials" they dream up.
The slogan was: "The Stealth Condom - they'll never see you coming."
(From March 11, long before a company decided to make these and got sued
by Northrup)
------------------------------------
From: friedl@mtndew.UUCP (Steve Friedl)
Subject: Oddball mathematical proof
[ From "On the Nature of Mathematical Proofs", Joel Cohen ]
Theorem: Every horse has an infinite number of legs
Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs,
and in front they have fore legs. This makes six legs, which is
certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. The only number
that is both odd and even is infinity. Therefore, horses have an
infinite number of legs.
------------------------------------
From: sullivan@crabcake.cs.jhu.edu
Subject: Robotic life
A cartoon in Thrust magazine by Teddy Harvia:
The scene depicts two robots. One robot is lying supine on
a couch and the second robot is sitting on a chair facing the couch.
The second robot is grasping a notebook and pencil and is saying,
"When did you first realize you hated your manufacturer?".
------------------------------------
From: harlan@silver.ucs.indiana.edu (Pete Harlan)
Subject: Another Fast Woman
Heard at a campus comedy competition:
I'm not saying my sister was a loose girl in high school,
but they put her picture in the yearbook sideways...
------------------------------------
From: dre@myrias.UUCP (Duane Eitzen)
Subject: An excerpt from Tehran University catalogue:
ENGL 323: English Literature
This course will concentrate on critical analysis of various
works from Britain, Canada and the United States. Knowledge of
the English language is not required but experience with plastic
explosives is recommended. This course is not open to students who have
martered themselves in previous offerings from this department.
english.213dejanr,
> The following are "tales" told by our MIS instructor:
> A physics professor was very strict about attendance, and despised
> tardiness.
> Being a science student, one naturally thinks
> quick, so the student snapped up and replied, "I came down from the
> back to get a better look at the board". The prof smiled.
Brings to mind my Freshman Chemistry class, taught by a professor with
very similar philosophies. One day, near the end of a rather long (and
boring, IMHO) lecture, a student picked his books up and started to
leave a few minutes early. The professor stopped him and said, "Where
do you think you're going?" "To the bathroom." "And why are you taking
your books with you?" "You're not going to stop class for me are you?"
"Well, no..." "Gee, I can't afford to miss any of THIS!"
Of course, the professor let him go.
english.214dejanr,
Dear Dave:
I am fed up with the recent low quality of my usual newsgroups. Should
I stick with it, or just say "to heck with it?"
Just another wondering fan...
Joe NewsReader
Dave: Reminds me of an incident last week... I remember it just like it
was videotaped this afternoon....
[screen becomes wavy and distorted...]
Dave: "Hal!! Oh, Hal!! I think I'm slipping into that damn dream sequence
again!"
[as screen focuses, it shows Dave reading news with the boys in the band...]
Dave: "Damn, I hate rec.humor. Nothing funny EVER gets posted here. Hmmm...
Another collection of light-bulb jokes... ah, hell... Paul, you see any
good news over there in alt.folklore.computers???"
Paul: "Well, Dave, me and the cats are looking, but I don't see anything good
in here so far. Anton, how about you?"
Anton: "Nope, nothing in rec.ballet, my FAVORITE group... Maybe Will has
something?"
Will: "Well, I don't see anything in rec.short.white.guys either..."
Sid: "And alt.cool.guitarists is equally as dead today, Dave. Sorry..."
Dave: "Damn!! That's it, I'm cutting off the InterNet link. With God as my
witness, there will be NO MORE NEWS at _THIS_ site!!"
[Dave goes for the EtherNet cable with a pair of electric garden shears,
but is stopped just short by...]
Larry Bud Melman (dressed as the News Fairy): "Dave! I wouldn't do that!"
Dave: "But News Fairy, we haven't seen any good news all DAY. Enough of this
tiresome searching through megs and megs of double-.signatures, flames,
mis-quotes, and "test" posts! I wish that net-news had NEVER BEEN
INVENTED!!!"
Fairy: "Well, David, I think I may grant that wish, just to prove my point..."
[Fairy sprinkles magic News Dust over Dave's head, and the screen fuzzes for
just an instant before focusing again. The Local Newsboy enters.]
Newsboy: "Extra, Extra, read all about it! Pestilence! Famine! War! Disease!
Fantasy Island being brought back in prime time! Special lost
episodes of "Punky Brewster" found in GE vault! New Kids on the
Block replace Paul Shaffer and his band on _Late Night_!"
[Dave picks up a paper and gasps in horror at the atrocities inside...]
Dave: "Gee, News Fairy, I didn't realize that net-news was this important in
the grand scheme of things! I'm sorry I wished even for a second that
net-news had never been!"
Fairy: "Yes, David, most people don't realize how important net-news is. It
keeps your average psycho off the street, posting to his favorite
groups again and again and again. That leaves the REAL world safe for
the rest of us."
Dave: "Wow, News Fairy. I don't know how I can thank you."
[Patriotic music begins in background... flag background
comes up behind News Fairy.]
Fairy: "There is only ONE way: read that news! Skip no articles, read each
and every one, from beginning to end. It may be tempting to hit that
'n' key, but remember: news-reading isn't just fun and exciting, it's
every proud American's duty!!
[Music reaches a dizzying crescendo, and dies off as News Fairy exits.]
Dave: "Well, I hope we all learned an important lesson here today. I want
everyone on the staff to hit those terminals right now, until EVERY
PIECE OF NEWS ON THE NET HAS BEEN READ!!! This world hangs in the
balance, and only we can save it. Read that net-news!!"
Paul: "Look, Dave! Patch 435 for Perl! What a find!!"
Sid: "A flame war in rec.arts.startrek... I hit the jackpot!"
Will: "Wow, a test post to rec.short.white.guys from Paul Williams! With
seven .signatures, each one ten lines long! God, I only hope I can
be this lucky EVERY time I read net-news..."
Paul: "Wow, Dan's raving about pty again.. I can't get ENOUGH of that!!!"
Dave: "And look, a touching piece of verse about the air-speed of a swallow...
I will have to save that for someone special! Let's not forgot what we
learned here today. Every one of us can promote good in the universe by
reading net-news!"
[scene closes with a short video montage of mom, apple pie, and Lee Iacocca]
--Gary A. Irick, irick@en.ecn.purdue.edu
--
english.215dejanr,
1) Bumper Sticker: Congress Happens
2) What do you give to a congressman who has everything?
An investigation!
3) What is a congressman's favorite color?
Plaid
#1 heard on local radio--Brian Wilson, WGST 640 AM
#2 heard from a friend
#3 heard from same friend
I know, I put 3 items here, but they're so short.
Gintas Jazbutis
Georgia Tech
GO JACKETS!!
english.216dejanr,
Source: Passed to me by a colleague in at the WA Dept. of Info. Services
Subject: Crossbreeding experiment
Q. What do you get when you cross a rat with a snake?
A. A lawyer with morals.
english.217dejanr,
A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day... when she
was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill dropped
out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home
folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by
the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning
against a post in front of the convent.
She couldn't get him off her mind and, thinking that he might be
in financial difficulties, she took the $10 bill and wrapped it
in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Don't despair,
Sister Eulalia," and threw it out of the window to him. He picked
it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped
his hat and went off down the street.
The next day she was in her cell saying her beads when she was
told that some man was at her door who insisted on seeing her.
She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for
her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills. When
she asked what they were for he replied, "That's the sixty bucks
you have coming. Don't Despair paid 5-1."
english.218dejanr,
OK I've seen alot of postings refering to deadbaby jokes, and I am
amazed that no one has thought to do this so here it is...
The Conical list of dead baby jokes
===================================
What's pink, charred, bloody, and blind?
A baby with forks in its eyes trying to get its favorite toy
out of a lit fireplace.
What's red and hangs in trees?
A baby that has been hit by a snowblower.
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
Because it was stapled to a chicken.
What does it take to make a dead baby float?
One scoop of ice cream and a scoop of dead baby.
What's the difference between unloading a truck load of dead babies
and a truck load of bowling balls?
You can use a pitchfork on the dead babies.
Why do they boil water when a baby's born?
So that if it's born dead, they can make soup.
What's red, squirm in a corner, and burbles ?
a baby chewing on a razor blade
What's red and white and goes around and around and around?
A baby in a blender.
Why do you put a baby in the blender feet first?
So you can watch its expression.
What's red and bubbly and scratches at the window?
A baby in a microwave.
What's red and crawls up your leg?
A homesick abortion.
What's small, screams, and can't turn corners?
A baby with a spear through it.
Whats 6 feet wide and can't turn round in corridors?
A baby with a spear through it's head.
What's red and has a million holes in it?
A baby on a bed of nails.
What's red and silver and crawls into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby?
Because you get a womb with a view.
How do you cross an auditorium full of babies?
With a snow blower.
What's gross?
A live baby under a pile of dead babies!
What's grosser?
He starts eating his way out!
What's even grosser?
He makes it!!
What's even grosser than that?
He goes back for seconds!!!
What's red and hangs from the ceiling?
A baby on a meathook!
What's red and goes around and around?
A baby in a garbage disposal!
What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
Twins in an acid bath.
What's the difference between a jar of afterbirth and a jar of pebbles?
You can't gargle with a jar of pebbles.
What's blue and squirms in the corner?
A baby in a baggie!
What's green and sits in a corner?
The same baby a week later!
What's worse than nailing a baby to a tree?
Tearing them off.
What's more fun than swing a baby on a clothes lines?
Stopping it with a spade.
english.219dejanr,
I just saw this on a hat yesterday:
My wife thinks of 2 months of begging as foreplay!
-Brian
You drop the bomb -more-
It goes off... -more-
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am *NOT* as think as you dumb I am!! | This space for rent (241-6939)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Disclaimer: Even I don't agree with myself!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please send me mail so I can send you mail so you can send me mail so ...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
english.220dejanr,
(Say to someone in an honest tone)
You: Did you know you can get AIDS from toilet seats now?
Listener: No you can't. (Or the like)
You: If you sit down beofre the next guy gets up!
Sorry this is old as card readers.
english.221dejanr,
Heard it a while ago, can't remember who to credit:
That guys' girlfriend is moving her business and organizes a party to
celebrate the move. Her friend can't attend the party, so he decides to
have her sent a floral arrangement with a good luck banner instead.
The next day, he calls his girlfriend to ask whether she received the flowers.
Her: "Yes, I did receive them, but I'm not sure what you meant by the message
on the banner."
Him: "Why, what did it say ?"
Her: "Rest in peace."
Him: "I feel terrible, the florist must have made a mistake and switched
banners with someone elses' !"
Her: "I did throw a cold at the party !"
Him: "I can't but imagine the cold the other banner must have thrown at
someones' funeral."
Her: "Why, what was on it?"
Him: "Best of luck in your new location!"
english.222dejanr,
In article <1347@helens.Stanford.EDU> deborah@oldplayfair.Stanford.EDU
(Deborah Breinan) writes:
>
>A little Indian boy asked the Chief how he names the newborn braves.
>The Chief replied, "Well, when I come out of my teepee, I name the
>child after the first thing I lay my eyes on-- for example, if I
>see a doe crossing camp, the child will be named `Running Deer,'
>and if I see a hawk overhead, the child will be named `Soaring
>Hawk'. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
Another similiar joke:
A little Indian boy asks his father how he is named. His father
replies "We Indians like to name our children after events that
happens during conception and pregnacy. For instance, your mother
broke a pot while carrying your brother, that's why he is called
Broken Pot. Also, your sister is called Last Child because we decided
not to have another child during her birth. Why do you ask,
Broken Rubber?"
english.223dejanr,
Seen on a men's toilet wall.....
"Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinals - it makes
them difficult to light."
english.224dejanr,
This joke comes from Musician magazine. (I can't remember the month,
but it was the Robert Johnson issue.)
Tom Fogerty has died. He wakes up and finds himself on a stage on
which a number of instruments are set up. A door offstage opens and in walk
Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding, and Buddy
Holly. Each musician picks up his favorite instrument and begins tuning up.
All of the instruments are taken but, to Tom's immense pleasure, the drums.
He walks up to Jimi and says, "Man, so this is what heaven is like." Jimi
looks at him and says, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?" At that moment,
Karen Carpenter walks in, takes her seat behind the drums, and calls out, "Okay
guys, 'Close to You'. One, two, three, four..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Disclaimer knows more than datclaimer.
english.225dejanr,
How do you get a JAP to stop having sex?
Marry her.
english.226dejanr,
Bear Dawg and Andy Dawg walked into the local telegraph office and
Bear pawed the clerk money and a piece of paper with 'woof woof woof woof
woof woof woof woof woof' on it. The clerk took the dog's money, and read
the paper the dog had pawed to him.
"Wait," the clerk said. "You've got only nine 'woofs' here. You
can send ten for the same price."
"That won't be necessary," Bear Dawg answered.
On the way out the door, Bear Dawg saw a clerk's assistant eating a
doughnut and drinking a Miller Genuine Draft (tm) in a bottle. Pointing out the
assistant to Andy Dawg, Bear said, "boy, I wish I could do that!"
"Well," replied Andy. "You had better wimper and wag to him first!"
H H AA !!
H H A A !!
HHHHHH AAAAAA !!
H H A A
H H A A !!
First half attributed to Play Boy, second is original.
-Road Dawg
english.227dejanr,
In article <2657.2783223c@iccgcc.decnet.ab.com>, lucko@iccgcc.decnet.ab.com
(Dan
Lucko) writes:
>
> Q. What is Bach doing now?
>
> A. De-composing.
Here we go again with, "that's not the way I heard it" but I really
should be told in it's complete splendor...anyhow...
There was once a very big fan of J.S. Bach and he lived his life in
the pursuit of KNOWING Bach as much as possible, but one day he just broke
down and decided he HAD to see the one and ONLY J.S. Bach... so he traveled
to Bach's grave and started digging the man he lived for up. When he hit
paydirt, he saw a light comming from the coffin. He opened the lid and there
was Bach with all of his manuscripts and an eraser cleaning each and every
note off of the page. The man gasped and said "What are you doing?!" Bach
responded, "I'm de-composing!"
THERE I feel much better that I got that off my chest. Thank you.
Patrick.
I'm standing at the altar as they play the wedding march
I'm in a black tuxedo with my collar full or starch
She looks as lovely as she's ever gonna get
I wake up form this nightmare in a pool of sweat
- Vernon Reid/Living Colour
"Love Rears Up Its Ugly Head"
Patrick F. Tully (Paghty O')
ptully@oucsace.cs.OHIOU.EDU
english.228dejanr,
How about...
Why did Snow White get thrown out of Disneyland(world)?
She was caught sitting on Pinocio's face yelling....
"Lie to me, now tell the truth. Lie to me, now tell the truth!"
Patrick
I got two feet from my hips to the ground and when I move 'em I walk around
and when I lift 'em I climb the stairs and when I shave 'em they ain't got
hair!
english.229dejanr,
Paul Ferguson writes:
} Michael Purvis writes:
}>
}>OK, kiddies...due to popoular demand, here's some more...(recently posted to
}>sci.military)
}>
}> snafu situation normal, all fucked up
}> fubb fucked up beyond all belief
}> fubar fucked up beyond all recognition
}> fumtu fucked up more than usual
}> tarfu things are really fucked up
}> figmo fuck it, got my orders
}> janfu joint army-navy fuckup. (When American troops get shelled
}> by their own side, in this case involving both the army and
}> the navy.)
}> gfu general fuck-up
}> samfu self-adjusting military fuck-up
}> sapfu surpassing all previous fuck-ups
}> susfu situation unchanged, still fucked-up
}>
}>
} How about:
} hua Head up ass
} hwua Head way up ass
}
How about a cranio-rectal inversion? (Email if you have to ask...)
english.230dejanr,
Q. What four animals can't a woman do without?
A. A mink on her back, a tiger in her bed, a Jaguar in her garage,
and a jackass to make it all possible.
*****************************************************************************
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE MEN & THE BOYS IS THE SIZE OF THEIR TOYS.
-Madame X
english.231dejanr,
Mr. SoDamn Insane sits in his war room,
contemplating who knows what, when at the door ...
"Knock, knock"
SoDamn: Who's there?
Door: Land shark, I mean, Candygram.
SoDamn: Candy? SoDamn like candy!
He opens the door foolishly. U.S. troops swarm inside and pin
him into one of the comfy chairs. A over-meadaled general struts into
the room ...
General: Corporal, proceed with the skull check.
Corporal: YESSIR!
SoDamn: Acktheblutt scorbuni rubblestoni
(Translated: what's the meaning of all this gentlemen?)
Corporal: AFFIRMATIVE SIR! HE HAS THE TRIPLE-SIX INDICITIVE ON HIS
LEFT CRANIUM SIR!
General: Excellent! Call in the skewer squad!
A specialized craack-team of professionals, trained in the methods
of acupuncture with ancient cutlery stomps into the room and surrounds
Mr. SoDamn Insane.
Captain: Skewer squad ready SIR!
General: Exorcise the poor bastard at will Captain.
Captain: YESSIR!
.....
(and so on, Its not quite complete, I know. E-Mail me suggestions for
the continuing saga of the Doomed Devil Dictator!)
english.232dejanr,
A while ago, I ordered from a mail order company for the first time.
After waiting several weeks, I called them and asked what had happened
to my order. The clerk asked me for my address again and said that
she would trace the package. In a few weeks I got the package, and
after I read the crossed-off writing on the package I understood what
happened. On the order form, I wrote my address as "... West ..."
Apparently this was entered into the computer as "... Est ..." ('w'
and 'e' are next to each other on the keyboard, so this is not too
unusual). This address was then written on the package. (If it had
been hand written directly from my order form, this mistake would have
been very unlikely, since the capital 'W' is very obvious.) In
Manhattan, almost all addresses are of the form "... West ..." or "...
East ..." (denoting the appropriate side of the island), so faced with
the choice, the shipper corrected "Est" to "East". Thus my package
ended up in a completely different part of the city; if it had been
sent to another house nearby, I'm sure it would have found it's way to
me.
Interestingly enough, if I had written "W" instead of "West", the
mistake probably would not have happened, since it's easier to
scramble a word than to type a single letter wrongly. Thus by coding
the information with more characters, I actually increased the
probability of error.
english.233dejanr,
This sounds a lot like an urban myth, but my brother-in-law tells me
that this happened to the wife of someone he works with. I must admit
that I'm a bit sceptical but its certainly worth a chuckle.
It seems that this lady didn't quite make it to hospital for the birth
of her child, in fact, the baby was born on the lawn just outside the
main entrance. The poor woman was dreadfully embarrased and was being
consoled by one of the Nurses, who said; "Don't worry about it. It could
have been worse, why two years ago we had a woman who gave birth in the
elevator." The woman cried "That was me!" and burst into tears.
english.234dejanr,
Some Iraq Jokes, for your amusement:
Q: What do you call an Iraqi soldier in the Desert?
A: A speed bump.
Q: What do you get when you put 32 Iraqi women in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.
Q: Why don't they have Sex Education and Driver Education in
the same day in Iraq?
A: The Camals would get too tired.
Q: What do Saddam Hussain and his father have in common?
A: The both didn't pull out in time.
Q: What do you call an Iraqi with a camal under one arm, and
a lama under the other?
A: Bi-sexual.
english.235dejanr,
An older couple fell in love and got married. After a wonderful
wedding day, they were preparing to hop into the sack to consumate
their marriage ...
Wife: "Since I'm 80 years old I think you should know that I have
acute angina."
Husband: "That's good, 'cause you sure have ugly tits!"
english.236dejanr,
obfollowup:
Heaven for a bicyclist is being given car to drive in Hell.
Hell for a driver is having to ride a bicycle.
(Hell is not full of fire and brimstone--just leaded gas and
high sulphur coal.)
obtrivialpursuits:
Which three Nato countries border the Soviet Union?
obrumour:
Any message without objoke: is automatically deleted.
english.237dejanr,
Two guys' truck breaks down way out in the country. They go to the
only house in sight to ask the farmer for help. He agrees to help them, on
the condition that one of them sleeps with his daughter. Having basically
no choice, they agree and draw straws. One goes up to her room while the
other goes outside to wait. She is so ugly that he asks her to wear a bag
over her face. Knowing how hideously ugly she is, she agrees, so long as
he'll screw her.
Noticing a bag of corn in the corner, the guy has an idea. He husks it
and plunges it inside of her, in and out. After a time, she comes and
demands more. He tosses the ear of corn out of the window and gets out
another one, husks it and repeats the process, then chucks it out the window.
He repeats this until she is satisfied, then he goes out to meet his buddy.
"Sorry it took so long," he apologizes.
"Oh, no problem. While you were up there having to fuck that dog, I
was down here enjoying hot buttered corn."
--------------------
Two guys are stranded out in the country when their truck breaks down.
They walk up the road until finally they come to a house, where they ask
the farmer to borrow some tools so they can fix their truck and for a place
to stay until the truck is repaired. The farmer agrees, but he says that
since he has only one extra bed, one of the men will have to sleep with his
daughter.
His daughter turns out to be a very horny woman, but unluckily for the
guys, she is hideously ugly. When she and the man sharing her room get into
bed, she asks whether they can change places. "No problem," he says.
He gets up and walks around her to the other side of the bed and she moves
over. But in a few minutes she asks again whether they can switch places.
She thinks that perhaps the first side was better after all-- that must be
the side she's used to sleeping on. "Okay," he says. Again he gets up and
walks around the bed and she moves over. In a few minutes she asks him
*again* whether they can trade places. "The first way was better after all,
I guess," she says. He complies, yet again walking around the bed as she
rolls over. "You know," she says, "there's no need for you to keep getting
out of bed and walking *around* it. I think we both know what I *really*
want, don't you?..."
"Yah, the whole god-damned bed!!!!"
english.238dejanr,
On most stapler's I've seen, the little plate that bends the staple has
two settings. Most ordinary mortals use the "together" setting. What
the heck is the "apart" setting for?!?
--Jon
Dear Jon, (yes, it's one of those letters)
The "apart" setting was based on one of the Aborigine manhood
rituals. A competitor would take his boomerangs(*) and try to
affix a written scroll to a designated tree. To make this task easier,
the boomerangs were often sharpened on the ends or decorated with
sharp stones. But, alas, this led to problems with the aerodynamics
of the the boomerang.
Then one Aborigine, with the help of computer scientists, aerospace
engineers and a Cray XMP, designed the ultimate boomerang for this task.
Finite element analysis showed that the stapler in its "apart" setting
would maximize the ability of a normal Aborigine to staple the scroll
to the tree. Now, staplers are, for convenience, made the same for sale
both here and abroad.
I hope this will help put your mind at ease, just ignore the
"apart" setting while in our culture.
-Mr. Noah Tall
english.239dejanr,
Dear Mr. Noah Tall:
A friend of mine told me that LISP is the best artificial
intelligence programming language. Doeth that ekthplain why motht
thpeech thynthethizers talk funny?
Cleft Lipp
Dear Mr. Lipp,
Actually, there is a better reason for the odd sounding speech
from most speech synthesizers...THEY'RE STUPID! Have you noticed
that they sound worse than (no offense intended) special education
students? Keep in mind it is ARTIFICIAL intelligence, not to
be confused with that of the banana slug, which is far superior
(refer to AI periodicals).
I personally am under the philosophy that banana slugs are the
new wave in high technology. Why waste time and money (time IS
money) on multi-megabyte computers when you could have these
adorable little darlings calculating your financial records,
finite element analyses, and/or stress tests.
Imagine the possibilities: slug workstations, slug mainframes,
all kinds of slug networks!!
There would be a need for measures to prevent soboteurs from
taking salt into the labs.
-Mr. Noah Tall
english.240dejanr,
Dear Mr. Noah Tall...
Who invented Jello...?
Curious...?
Dear Curious,
Jello was originally invented by the ancient Egyptians as a means
of preserving internal organs, food, pets, slaves and playthings for
the Pharoahs. They believed that in the after-life, the pharoah would
rise from the dead and dig through the Jello until he found his
favorite fruit and then begin a 7 day feast. This was known as "The
Great Feast of Molded Fruit" after the condition in which the fruit
would most likely be found.
This tradition was passed on and changed many times from culture
to culture until it arrived here. We still have molded fruit on
certain occasions today, but in better condition than that of our
ancestors...with the possible exception of bananas. Again, we see
that the past is still the basis of the present.
-Mr. Noah Tall
english.241dejanr,
======By Golly I really Miss These===========================
Dear Mr. Noah Tall,
I need to type a report on "Farts and Farting." What are the
standard names for the different classes of farts?
Ima Wondring
Dear Ima,
There is only one class of farts, but it is broken into several
genus-species categories. The most common are listed and defined
below. Enjoy!
Percussicus simplizoan: the common fart; a small sound and
slight odor...it presents no major problem in a well-ventilated room
Anus ignitus: the mexican food fart; often accompanied by
watery eyes and a lack of interest in sitting; these can be detected
several feet away by sound and/or smell; DO NOT EXPOSE TO OPEN
FLAMES!
Humidimus fecium: wet farts; the kind that happen all day when
you eat high fibre diets; these are usually accompained by brown
stains and itching, wet buttocks...they don't go over well at small
parties, but in public swimming pools, they're untraceable
Loyaltus befriendius: the kind of fart that follows you around
wherever you go for the next half hour causing shortness of breath
of everyone within a 9 foot radius
Nutronus ingestium: the farts that gag all the people but
leave the buildings standing; it was the original inspiration
for both the neutron bomb and poison gas; these can be tasted as
well as smelled and may cause skin and eye irratation
Vaporous sinous: known as the "therapeutical fart," these
can clear sinus passages or strip paint from the walls; usually
emitted silently
-Mr. Noah Tall
english.242dejanr,
HERE'S A FEW TERRORIST JOKES THAT COULD BE FUNNY. ANY FLAMES
SHOULD BE DIRECTED TO MY E-MAIL ADDRESS. THANX.
Q: HOW MANY TERRORISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: NONE; THEY HOLD AMERICANS HOSTAGE AND MAKE THEM DO IT.
DID YOU HEAR OF THE SADDAM HUSSEIN DOLL?
YOU WIND HIM UP AND HE HOLDS KEN AND BARBIE HOSTAGE
AT THE GAS PUMP.
HOW DO YOU GET A TERRORIST ON YOUR CASE IF YOU ARE AMERICAN?
BREATHE.
MISC. JOKES:
SPEAKING OF HIGHWAY ROBBERY, HAVE YOU EVER DRIVEN A TOLLWAY?
BOBCAT
((IF YOU DO NOT LIKE MY DRIVING, STAY OUT OF THE TERMINAL ROOM.))
((COMMENTS ACCEPTED AT MY E-MAIL ADDRESS ONLY. U38730@UICVM.UIC.EDU))
english.243dejanr,
My mother told me this one after her first semester of college (she
went to college after all the kids had moved out of the house):
There were these two statues. One was a scantily draped woman, one
was a nude man, and they faced each other across the fountain in the
center of a park. One day a fairy godmother happened by on her day
off work and saw the two of them. She was in a jovial sort of mood,
and nobody was around at the moment, so with a wave of her wand, she
brought the two statues to life.
She told them, "You have until midnight tonight to do anything you
like."
The man looked at the woman and winked, "Sooo... I know what _I'd_
like to do. How about you?"
She giggled, "Yeah. I think I know what you mean. Let's go." The two ran
off into the tall bushes.
As time went on, people passing heard all manner of thrashing about and
grunting and groaning coming from the bushes.
After about an hour, the noises stopped, the woman stepped from the
bushes and said, "OK, that's enough. Now it's my turn to hold the pigeons
and you can shit on them."
english.244dejanr,
RIDDLE:
Bush has a short one,
Gorbachev has a long one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
and
the Pope has one, but isn't allowed to use it.
What is it?
A last name!
(What were YOU thinking of?)
english.245dejanr,
Adviser: "Well, Mr. President, the deadline's expired. What shall we
do?"
Bush: "Send in Colin Powell"
Adviser: "Isn't that rather a limited strike, sir?"
Bush: "No, I mean send him in to my office!"
Powell: "Sir!"
Bush: "What would be the result of an air strike on
Wednesday night?"
Powell: "Millions of innocent civilians killed and the city
razed to the ground, Sir!"
Bush: "You know I don't understand that military jargon!
Give it to me in words I can understand."
Powell: "Personnel density adjustment and strategic collateral
upheaval, Sir!"
Bush: "That bad?!"
english.246dejanr,
My first submission since the net.jokes days ... 1984 ?
Please feel free to substitute your own stereotypes.
An Englishman and a Texan are at lunch, in England.
The Texan says "In Texas, we grow potatos eight inches across!"
The Englishman says "In England, we grow them to fit English mouths."
english.247dejanr,
Sue and Bob, a pair of tightwads, lived in the midwest, and had
been married years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire
deepened each time a barnstormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob
would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."
The years went by, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so
he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at
least watch. And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue
and Bob started an argument. The Pilot, between flights, overheard,
listened to their problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you
up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you
make one sound, you pay ten dollars."
So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls and dives as he
could. Heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling
out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he
admitted defeat and went back the airport.
"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"
"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars
is ten dollars."
english.248dejanr,
My father told me this one, as he heard it from one of the parents.
One day their daughter comes home from third grade all excited.
Her teacher has been telling the class all about how women are the
equals of men, and that they should receive equal pay for equal
work. She's all excited and she goes on and on telling her parents
about this. Finally she says, "Daddy, when you become president you
should pass a law that says that women should be paid the same as men!".
At this point her mother says, "Maybe I should do it when *I* become
president.". To which their daughter replies, "Don't be silly Mommy,
*women* can't be presidents!".
english.249dejanr,
A true story:
The scene:
After a family meal one night, 3 generations of the family are sitting around
chatting. A 4 year old is sitting on her grandfather's knee.
4YO: "Grandpa, can you make a noise like a frog?"
G: "What?"
4YO: "Can you make a noise like a frog?"
G: "Why do you want me to make a noise like a frog"
4YO: "Well, last night Daddy said that when you croak we can all to to
Disneyland"
Luckily the old man took the comment in good humor.
english.250dejanr,
NEWARK, N.J. - An abandoned 54 Devine St. bus that was noticed by po-
lice today appears to have been the object of a PLO hijacking sometime
in the late 1970s. Inside were the badly decomposed bodies (pictures
in the late edition) of 17 passengers, 4 hijackers, 3 dogs, and 2 live
bag ladies. What drew the attention of the police was a fire started
by one of the bag ladies in her attempt to protest the presidential
candidacy of Barry Goldwater. Her companion stated that she was a
firm Johnson supporter and obsessed with the idea that right wing ex-
tremists, led by Jerry Falwell - though still a mere lad - would take
over the nation and impose THEIR values on us all. As an honors grad-
uate of Radclife and a certified Liberal Democrat she felt the need to
speak out in a manner that would capture the imagination of the pub-
lic. So she set fire to herself. The fire had burned through six
layers of newspaper and crud before the Newark Fire Dept. managed to
storm the bus and put her out. Defiantly waving a single finger at
the cameras and shouting "Extremism in the defense of Liberty is no
vice" she promised to do it again as medical attendants took her away.
When our reporter pointed out that this was 1988 and the election the
poor woman was concerned about was long over her companion said, "She
doesn't give up old ideas easily. We're Liberal Democrats, you know."
Police then entered the bus and discovered the passengers, the hijack-
ers, and the dogs. One of the hijackers left a diary of his ordeal,
from which it is possible to piece together the story of what happened
on the bus. It seems that after boarding the bus at 18th Ave. (with-
out the correct change, which caused a brief altercation with the
driver, who tried to refuse them entrance despite the weapons they
carried) they immediately shot two of the passengers but couldn't get
the rest to notice their presence. They then proceeded to divert the
bus from its formal route and yelling slogans and scattering leaflets
they shot at passers-by as they went - expecting to get the attention
of the authorities and media coverage. But to their total amazement,
nothing happened except for some desultory return fire from armed
passers-by and being cut off in traffic by a couple of taxi cabs and a
school bus. Finally they noticed a Newark Police cruiser in traffic
ahead of them and shot out the rear window which caused the cruiser to
speed up and quickly turn off at the next intersection and pull into a
White Castle, where the two officers went inside and sat at the count-
er and looked the other way as the bus crawled by outside.
The first of many nights they spent under a traffic bridge down at
Port Newark trying to understand what was happening to them and fight-
ing off attacks by organized gangs attempting to jack up the bus and
steal the tires and engine. The passengers still did not acknowledge
their presence.
Dawn rose on the second day and they were full of hope and revolution-
ary zeal. The driver kept writing on his trip sheet, which they at
first thought might be an attempt to drop a note out calling for help,
which led to a discussion as to should they look the other way in or-
der to finally get some attention, but it turned out he was only mak-
ing note of his overtime.
As they passed through the streets of Newark again, slowing down from
time to time in the traffic, they noticed people would beat on the
doors and shout curses at them, giving rise to the hope they were dis-
covered and just down the street would be a police roadblock and a
showdown before the cameras. They finally realized the these people
were trying to get ON the bus and were angry they wouldn't stop and
open the doors.
Soon there arose a supply problem as the food they brought with them
was only meant to last a few hours - a day at most - and then they had
counted on the authorities to supply them and their hostages with ev-
erything. By now the passengers had noticed them since one of them (a
Mr. Rosenberg) was a tort lawyer and had passed his card around to ev-
eryone and assured them that they could sue the bus driver, the bus
company, the city, the state, the nation and perhaps get something
from God for all their suffering and inconvenience. And he'd take the
standard cut in such cases. The hijackers felt they were making prog-
ress since they now could get the passengers to acknowledge they ex-
isted. They pulled into the parking lot of a Burger King "Busses Wel-
come" and ordered a Mr. Polochck, married to Mrs. Polochck (who sat
beside him) for 32 years to go inside and order 45 hamburgers, 10
Whalers, 27 large fries, 20 cokes, and 14 hot apple pies or they would
blow off Mrs. Polochck's head. He marched into the store as they held
a gun to Mrs. Polochck's head in plain view and ordered 1 hamburger, 1
large fries and 1 coke, turned and smiled, waved good bye to his wife,
shot a bird at the hijackers and sat down at a table to eat. Totally
nonplused, the hijackers neglected to shoot a raging Mrs. Polochck and
ordered the driver to move on.
(At this point the diary starts to become incoherent.)
They finally managed to obtain a food supply by letting on passengers,
usually little old ladies, with shopping bags waiting in front of food
marts.
After several days of failing to attract anyone's attention outside
the bus the hijackers decided to give up and go back to training camp
with this new wrinkle in Urban Warfare Against the Oppressor. Howev-
er, it seems that the passengers, led by Mr. Rosenberg and aided by
the driver who had been promised he would not be sued but could join
their suit, wouldn't LET THEM OFF THE BUS. Their thinking was, the
longer the ordeal lasted the greater ammount in damages the passengers
could collect. The hijackers were low in ammunition, at a loss as to
what to do next and throughly cowed by the demands of the passengers
that they continue the hijacking. After a feeble attempt to debark
the bus, beat back largely by Mrs. Polochck who lived for revenge a-
gainst her husband, the hijackers were disarmed and herded to the back
of the bus. (They were found in a pathetic pile under the rear seat.)
It is not known for how long the bus actually managed to roam the
streets of Newark or how all on it came to their grim end. There
seems to have been some kind of falling out among the passengers.
Some had on white arm bands and some had on red. In any case the bus
came to rest on the side of Rt22 leading out of Newark heading towards
Springfield and was not investigated by the authorities until the
fire. How the dogs entered the picture is the big mystery!
We asked the Chief of Police how it could be that a bus load of people
could disappear and no one notice. He said that it was not unusual,
there were any number of buses missing from the public garages and the
records from the late '70s themselves were missing after an attempt to
investigate charges that the Public Transport Dept. was involved in
selling city busses to Long Island fishing industry officials for use
as artificial reefs off shore. It would seem that none of the pass-
engers, either the original 17 or the little old ladies picked up lat-
er, were ever missed by anyone. The driver was carried on the books
as being owed over $3 million in back wages, although it cannot be
determined when he went missing as his union brothers kept punching
his time card in and out up until the day of the fire.
Mr. Polochck was unavailable for comment, being on his honeymoon in
Bermuda with his third (teenage) wife.
The PLO has no record of a hijack team missing in Newark, NJ.
However there is a record of a lost dog in 1980 that seems to fit the
remains of one of the three dogs found on the bus. A man is on his
way to view the remains and we will bring you an interview with him
about this potentially heart warming story if a positive identifica-
tion is made.
AFTER THIS BRIEF COMMERCIAL WE'LL BE BACK WITH THE LATEST ON THE
FATHER WHO ...
english.251dejanr,
-- COMPUTER SCIENTIST: A chemical analysis --
Element: Computerscientistium
Symbol: Cs
Discoverer: Disputed. Alan Turing is regarded by many as the discoverer,
but there is evidence that impure samples were isolated by
Charles Babbage.
Atomic weight: Varies, due to the large number of isotopes occurring (see
below).
Occurrence: Currently rare, but availability is predicted to rise as
extraction techniques are improved by Universities.
Global distribution is strongly correlated with indigenous
deposits of money.
Cost: The rarity of this substance currently makes it rather
expensive, but its intrinsic value is apparently much lower.
Properties:
1. Reactions involving Computerscientistium are very more productive under
pressure. However, the results tend to be unstable, difficult to
reproduce and often require the addition of more Computerscientistium
to remain useful.
2. Reactions have also been observed to be more productive at night, and
generally require the presence of copious quantities of coffee to
proceed.
3. In a low pressure environment (eg university research lab), the
substance quickly decays into common isotopes like Hackium, Zorkium,
etc. These substances are completely worthless, and it is extremely
difficult to recover much of the original Computerscientistium.
4. Local concentrations of Computerscientistium are often found around
whiteboards. These devices seem to act as a buffer when
Computerscientistium gets excited or energised, and are able to absorb
much of the energy.
Managers of labs which use Computerscientistium are advised
to fit whiteboards to offices, cars, bedrooms etc, where the substance
is held. This will help to keep it stable.
5. Certain very high-energy isotopes of Computerscientistium, eg
Billjoysium, are popularly reported to give off sparks. This behaviour
has not been reproduced under laboratory conditions, but users should
take appropriate precautions just in case.
6. Reactions involving large quantities of Computerscientistium are often
observed to continue in a very excited state for long periods, without
producing anything.
7. Computerscientistium is also highly absorbent, being able to cause
practically any conversation at parties to dry up almost instantly.
It is, though, less absorbent in this respect than Accountantium
(especially the isotope Auditorium)
Uses:
Investigation of the long-term uses of the substance are still underway.
However, some samples have been observed to turn Nothing-Much into large
quantities of money (eg commercial games writers). However, it seems that
Computerscientistium is better suited to the corporate environment, where
it turns large quantities of money into Nothing-Much.
english.252dejanr,
"I ran three miles today....ahh, finially I said,"Lady, take your purse."
-Emo Philips, from E=mo
"If I wasn't here, right now there would be a pile of clothes"
-Bob Rubin, at the Punchline
Thomas Jefferson's admonition: "A people who expect to be ignorant and free
expect what never will, and never can, be."
Q. What's the most difficult thing about learning to play the Bagpipes?
A. It's so hard to tell when you hit a wrong note.
If you die and go to heaven, St. Peter gives you a halo and a harp.
If you die and go to hell, the Devil gives you a pitchfork and a
set of Bagpipes.
C Code. C Code Run. Run, Code, RUN!
PLEASE!!!!
english.253dejanr,
In Russia, it's very hard to get Vodka. There are very very long
lines. So one day, these two friends, Ivan and Micheal, are standing in
line for Vodka. They've been there for four hours. Ivan just can't stand
it any longer, so he says to Michael, "I'm going to take my gun and go shoot
Gorbachov!" He's gone for an hour, and when he comes back Michael says,
"Well, did you kill him?" Ivan replied, "No, that line was even longer!"
----------------------------------------------------
Comrade Popov was taking trips to various cities. From Warsaw
he sent back a postcard: Greeting from Free Warsaw. From Czechoslovakia
on the next trip he wrote: Greeting from Free Prague. He traveled on to
Bulgaria and wrote back: Greetings from Free Sofia; and then to Hungary,
writing a card back: Greetings from Free Budapest. Finally he reached
Vienna and wrote his last card: Greetings from Free Popov.
----------------------------------------------------
"There are three kinds of Jews in Moldavia (Moldavian Republic in USSR):
the Pessimists -- they are learning English,
the Optimists -- they are learning Moldavian (indigenous language), and
the Realists -- those are learning the design and operation of machine guns."
english.254dejanr,
A man walks into Red Square on day screaming "Gorbachov's an idiot!
Gorbachov's an idiot." Well, the KGB chased him around for awhile until
they finally caught him. They immediately took him to court where the
judge decided on his sentence. The poor fellow was given exactly 10 years
and seven days in jail. Two days for disturbing the peace, five days for
insulting the leader, and ten years for revealing a state secret!!!
----------------------------------------------------
An inspector was making the rounds of the communal farms in his district,
and he approached a potato farmer. "How was the potato harvest this season,
comrade?" he demanded. "Excellent, excellent," exclaimed the farmer, "our
potatoes could be piled high enough to reach the toe of God!" A bit taken
aback, the inspector said, "But comrade, this is the Soviet Union; there
is no God." Replied the farmer, "That's no problem, because there aren't
any potatoes, either."
----------------------------------------------------
"In News, there is no truth; and in Truth there is no news."
I guess it makes more sense in russian.. Pravda is truth, and Isvestia is
news. The two big Soviet papers: Pravda and Isvestia.
----------------------------------------------------
Seems the Department of Information Services (Ministry of Propaganda) was out
in the field, taking 'the Rewolution" to the people: explaining the
fundamentals
of Socialism to the populace to bolster popularity. A member of the Department
was out talking to a farmer in Siberia...
Official: So you see, comrade, dat it iz de way Marx explained: "From each
according to his abilities, to each according to his needs." You understand?
Farmer: (confused) Nyet...
O: OK. Iz like dis: Say a comrade has two cows. Ve take one cow from him and
give it to comrade that has no cow. Dat is de Rewolution. You see?
F: (Happily) Da, Da! Iz good!
O: And if a comrade has two tractors, ve take one of his tractors and give to
man who has no tractors. Da?
F: (Very excited) Da! Da! Is WERY good!
O: And if a comrade has two cheekens, ve give one cheeken to man who has no
cheekens. Da?
F: Nyet! Iz not good!
O: Vy iz not good?
F: (Despondently) I have two cheekens...
----------------------------------------------------
A badger is quietly walking through Red Square. He sees two rabbits,
running just as fast as they can, come from one street.
Badger: "Wait! Why are you running!?"
Rabbit 1: "The KGB is arresting all the camels!"
Badger: "But you're rabbits!"
Rabbit 2: "Yeah, but try telling the KGB that!"
----------------------------------------------------
english.255dejanr,
Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
"What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these stops
and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts that
get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time.
One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they had
the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
teach you that you cann't have your Kate and Edith, too."
A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
his honeymoon a chastened husband. He became aware of the will of the wisp.
A young husband with an inferiorty complex insisted he was just a little
pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to save
your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had
him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher. She's
a women who conks to stupor.
Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
Lawyer: Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods?
Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Real-estate man: Would you like to see a model home?
Man: I sure would, when does she get off work?
It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
bad legs should stick to long shirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
It's not the inital skirt length, it's the upcreep.
A bachelor is a cagey guy and has a load of fun:
He sizes all the cuties up and never Mrs. one.
The bank sent our stement this morning.
The sheet was a sight of great awe.
It figures and mine might have balanced,
But my wife was too quick on the draw.
Penn's aunts made great pies at low prices. No one else in town could
compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
During the American Revolution tried to rai a farm. He stumbled across
a rock on the ground and fell, then an agressive Rhode Island Red hoped on
top. The farmer came out at this moment and commented, "Check catch a Tory."
A wife started serving chopped meat, monday hamburger, tuesday meat
loaf, wednesday tartar steak, and thrusday meatballs. On Friday the morning
asked her, "How now, ground cow?"
A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
The chef answered, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
never reveal our sauce."
J. Paul Getty was thinking about opening an Italian restaurant, the
name, "Sp Getty."
The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission Chips."
On April Fools day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes.
She blew her stack.
A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep
favoring curry.
A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had
the volley of the Dills.
A banker fell over board. His friends couldn't find a life preserver.
One asked, "Can you float alone?"
The women at one college called a would be romeo a great natural athlete.
He makes every broad jump.
A filibuster, throughing your wait around.
Molly invented a stainless-steel sink. It's called the Unbrownable Molly
Sink.
A reverend wanted to call another reverend. He told the operator, this
is a parson to parson call.
A farmer with lots of chickens posted the following sign. "Free Chickens.
Our Coop Runneth Over."
A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled
hearing.
Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. Mort is the expert. Bill
is not the rigger Mort is.
Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
The judge fined the offender fifty dollars and told him if he was caught
again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
A rock store was closed by the police, they were taking too much for
granite.
A man who keep stealing mopids was an obvious cycle-path.
A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
during a raid at the house of a mobster. His excuse, "I was making a bolt for
the door."
A farm in the country side had seven turkeys, it was known as the house
of seven gobbles.
A man was reading The Canterbury Tales at breakfast one saturday morning.
His wife asked "What have you got there?" "Just my cup and Chaucer."
A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it platoonic.
Max told his friend he didn't want to go for a hike in the hills. "I'm
an anti-climb Max."
Known as a tough, nasty umpire, the man in a foul mood upon walking
into his home asked his son to come sit on his lap, "Not now dad, GI Joe
is still on." The son never sits on a Brutish Umpire.
A new wagon designed for LA rush hour traffic is called the Stationary
wagon.
An Uncle died, left several hundred clocks to a niece, she's busy winding
up the estate.
A Texan down on the range is suing for a divorce. He found his dear
and an interloper playing.
Two cheerleaders ended up married, they met by chants.
Two cans of paint got married, later the bride whispered, "Darling,
I think I'm pigment."
Two boy silkworms pursued a luscious girl silkworm. They ended up in a
tie.
A doctor told the boy, "This injection won't hurt a bit." That's an MD
promise.
Advice to ice skaters: You can't always tell a brook by its cover.
A guru hops around often, he's known as the Kan Guru.
A hermit was arrested after driving a hundred miles an hour, the charge
was recluse driving.
What do they call a man who builds twenty boats a month? Sir Launchalot.
The clerks of a store went on strike. Things were fine until the owner
found out one of the picketers had had smallpox. The owner called the union,
"This time you've gone to far. My picket has been pocked."
A swami stopped in at the butcher shop and asked for butcher for a pound
of liver, but the dishonest butcher weighed down upon the swami's liver.
A prospector marched into an assayer's office and planted two huge
nuggests
on the counter. "Well, don't just stand there, assay something!"
Indian Chief Shortcake died, so Squaw bury Shortcake.
An Indian family with sixteen kids was just one big Hopi family.
A fortune-teller started laughing seconds after looking into his crystal
ball. The client hit him. "Why did you do that" "My mother always told
me to strike a happy medium."
An American family sent some poor cousins in East Germany a package
of food. Weeks later when they heard it still had not arrived, cabled the
cousins with "Cheer up, the wurst is yet to come."
english.256dejanr,
There was an influential businessman who found out that his wife was
having an affair with the butcher and the produce man in a local grocery store.
Needless to say, he was quite furious and figured she and her lovers weren't
fit to live, so he decided to kill them.
Not wanting to risk his prominence in the business world, he decides to
hire a bum off the street who desparately needed some money. So he finds
a bum named Artie and offers him a buck to kill his wife and her lovers the
next time she goes to the store.
So the next day, the business man's wife went shopping and flirts first with
the butcher and then the produce man as she usually does. However Artie shows
up at the store and, as per his instructions, strangles the butcher, the
produce man, and last but not least, the businessman's unfaithful wife.
Well, the assasin quickly tries to escape but is caught by the security
guards who haul him off to the police.
It didn't take long for the press to catch hold of the story and
printed the following headline:
FLASH!! ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR IN LOCAL SUPERMARKET!!!!!
english.257dejanr,
A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One
day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely
dejected. The strong man asked him what he was going to do. The
husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going
to find another woman of her caliber."
english.258dejanr,
<Basketball Coach> storms into <University President>'s office, pounds
on desk, says, "Either you raise my salary or I quit!"
<Pres.> says, "Coach, you already make more than the entire
English Department!"
<Coach> says, "Yeah, but you just don't understand what I have to put up
with!" He goes out into the hall, grabs a jock who's jogging by, says,
"Hey! Run over to my office and see if I'm there."
Jock takes off, returns 20 minutes later, very sweaty. "You're not
there, Coach!"
"Oh; I see what you mean," says <Pres>. "I would have phoned."
english.259dejanr,
Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode into a
saloon. He sidled up to the bar, ordered shot and a beer, and settled back
to enjoy his refreshment. Suddenly, a man galloped into the bar, shouting,
"Run for your lives! Big Mike's comin'!
The drifter watched as most of the locals bolted for the door. Suddenly,
the bar doors burst open. An enormous man, standing eight feet tall and
weighing at least 400 pounds, rode in on a bull. Grabbing the drifter by
the ankle, he tossed him over the bar and thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
The terrified fellow handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man guzzled
in a single gulp and then shattered on the bar. The drifter stood aghast as
the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched the broken glass and
smacked his lips with relish.
"Can I, ah, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
"Naw, I gotta git," the man grunted. "Big Mike's comin'."
english.260dejanr,
What do you call a cow that has undergone an abortion?
Decaffeinated. (decalfinated)
What do you call a Czechoslovakian abortion?
A canceled Czech.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft"
A-flat miner.
Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
What do you get when you drop a piano on a battlefield?
A-flat Major.
What's a wok?
Something you thwow at a wabbit!
How do you catch a unique animal?
Unique up on him!
Q:What do you call a basement full of JAP's?
A:A whine cellar.
How do you catch a domesticated animal?
Tame way!
Q: how do you sink an <ethnic> submarine?
A: dive down and knock on the door.
What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot, cross bunnies.
What is a 7 course Irish dinner?
A six-pack and a potatoe.
Why did the hospital poker game come to an abrupt end?
The leper threw in his hand.
Why did the leper hockey game end?
There was a face-off in the corner.
english.261dejanr,
Why do women have legs?
So after you fuck'em they can leave.
HA! HA! HA!
-pig guy
english.262dejanr,
(For physicists everywhere:)
Q: What is Iraq's biggest export in the 90s expected to be?
A: Glass.
english.263dejanr,
The ice delivery man noticed that one of his customers was far from
cold. He accepted her advances and hopped into bed with her.
Afterward, he told her, "Okay, I'll cancel your $5 tab."
"No, way. You'll take it out like you brought it in-- 25 cents a piece!"
english.264dejanr,
A couple who went up with some friends to go skiing were in their room
for three days straight fooling around. By that time, they were to
embarrassed to come out. The guy said, "I have an idea. Tomorrow when
everyone gets back from skiing at the end of the day we'll put on our ski
stuff, climb out of the window and come in the front door like we just got
back fromt he mountain, too." The woman agreed, so the next day that's what
they did. One of the returning skiiers commented, "Boy, the conditions are
great-- all powder, no ice.... Skiing's the best, eh!"
The guy concurred, "Ya, anyone who doesn't like to screw has got a ski loose
english.265dejanr,
Whats a bloody sorority girl anyway? And where can I get one?
A sorority, as used in these jokes, is a social group for
women at a college/university. Each sorority adopts a name
usually composed of two or three letters from the Greek
alphabet (like Iota Mu Beta, for example). A sorority has
secret rituals and teachings, and membership is said to be
open to all, but sororities select their own members and can
ostracise people they consider to be undesirable as members.
A sorority girl is a member of a sorority. As you can tell
from the jokes posted, some people have a negative opinion
of sorority girls. Some people consider them to be stupid
air-headed rich snotty promiscuous social-climbers. The jokes
posted here seem to emphasize the promiscuity sometimes
associated with sorority girls.
Having met many sorority girls, I can honestly say that, like
any other group of people, there are good ones and bad ones.
Not all sorority girls are promiscuous money-grubbing trendy
air-heads. Some are friendly, intelligent, fun people. Like
any social group, you are bound to encounter a few bad apples.
Which brings me to sorority girl jokes. These jokes pick one
of the stereotypical traits often associated with sorority
girls, usually their alleged promiscuity. Take for example
the following:
Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl
and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.
This joke, mysoginstic as it is, illustrates a point: that
sorority girls are considered whores who should be used and
dumped. Like some ethnic humor in which men brag about their
virility, sorority girls' sexual habits are exagerrated in
these jokes. Take the following:
Q: What's the mating call of a sorority girl?
A: "God, I'm so wasted!"
Again, the joke shows that college men should get sorority
girls drunk in order to extract sexual favors from them.
Do these jokes hurt these women? Some say yes, college men
come to believe that they can use and abuse women because
of this kind of humor. Recently, comics like Andrew Dice Clay
have been accused of legitimizing rape and violence toward
women. Others say it is just humor to be taken with a grain
of salt. Each of us needs to decide where we stand on issues
when we laugh at or tell a joke of any kind. Who is this
joke hurting? Is it perpetuating a stereotype? How would I
fell if the joke were directed against my own social/racial
group?
Just some random thoughts on the subject of humor that some
think hurts our society.
Now, somebody post some more sorority girl jokes!
english.266dejanr,
A mother and her daughter were on a TWA flight, when the little
girl turned to here mother and asked, "Why do big people have little
people, big animals have little animals, but big TWA planes don't have
little TWA planes?" Her mother said, "That's a good question. You
should ask the stewardess that." So, the little girl asks the
stewardess, "Why do big people have little people, big animals have
little animals, but big TWA planes don't have little TWA planes?"
The stewardess said, "That's an excellent question. You should ask
the pilot." The little girl then asks the pilot, "Why do big people
have little people, big animals have little animals, but big TWA planes
don't have little TWA planes?" "That's a good question," the captain
replies, "it's because TWA always pulls out on time."
Mike Arras
arras@icase.edu
english.267dejanr,
A lady is skiing when she needs to pee really badly. Not having the
convenience of being able to just unzip her fly like a guy, she holds it in,
but unable to make it to the lodge, she decides to just step off the trail
behind a tree, lower her bib and do her business. But as she does so, her
skis ends up slipping and she goes bombing across the mountain bare-ass,
crashes and has to be taken to the emergency room with a broken leg.
While there, she gets to talking to the man next to her, who happens to
also have a broken leg. She asks him how it happened. "Well," he says,
"I was skiing down the mountain when all of a sudden this woman flew across
butt naked, and I got so excited that I went out of control and hit a tree!"
MORE LATER. WORK CALLS.
english.268dejanr,
A man goes to the doctor for an exam to see if he's eligible for benefits.
The doctor tells him to remove his shirt. "Why?" asks the man. "In order
to determine whether you're eligible for benefits I have to count the
number of white hairs on your chest."
So the man takes off his shirt, ends up being eligible for the benefits,
returns home, and tells his wife the news. "You should have taken down
your pants-- then you would have gotten Disability!"
english.269dejanr,
>From: geetha@pan.ecn.purdue.edu (Geetha K Navada)
>
> > PAISLEY@auvm.auvm.edu writes:
> > .....................
> >could someone please post or send me a copy of the infamous Green Golfball
> >Joke? Thanx....
>
>I would appreciate a copy too;either way-posting/email
>Thanks
>-geetha.
Does this ever stop ???
A couple of days ago a announced that I had the original GGBJ,
since then I've distributed it throughout the entire world; if
you want the bl**dy thing, don't ask for it on the net, wait
until someone announces he/she has got a copy !!!
I'm sick of the #$%&*#$%#$%%# thing.
And for God's sake, don't even THINK of requesting a copy of me.
I have first rot13-ed it and then translated it to Latin, as it is
right now it seems quite harmless.
But I will NOT do the translations backwards, get that mind out
of your head.
And
!!!!! STOP ASKING FOR THE F*****G B****Y JOKE ON THE NET !!!!!
Sead Omerov Email:dgkf-028@nada.kth.se (until March 15th 1991)
Yes, I know the Email-address is stupid, that's why it expires 15/3
english.270dejanr,
PROVINCE OF <your province>
---------------------------
DEPARTMENT OF ENVIRONMENTAL
---------------------------
PROTECTION
----------
<capital city>, <province>
IMPORTANT NOTICE
----------------
"PROVINCIAL TAX DEPARTMENT"
NOTICE OF INCREASE IN TAX PAYMENTS
----------------------------------
EFFECTIVE JANUARY 1, 1990
TO ALL MALE TAXPAYERS,
The only thing that the Province of <your province> has not yet taxed is your
"DICKIE", mainly because 95% of the time your "DICKIE" is out of work, 3%
of the time it just hangs around and 2% of the timem it is in the hole.
Moreover, it has two dependants, who are both nuts.
In spite of this, beginning January 1, 1990, your "DICKIE" will be taxed
according to its size, because our legislators have determined that
you'll just have to get it up, or else.
Use the Dickie Chart listed below to determine your category and insert
the appropriate information on page 2, section F, line 3 of your next
Provincial Property Tax form.
Sincerely yours,
<your premier>
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(tear along dotted line)
Dickie Chart
------------
10-12 inches*........Luxury Tax 6-8 inches..........Privilege Tax
6-10 inches..........Pole Tax 4-6 inches**........Nuisance Tax
* All males excedding 12 inches must file under "CAPITOL GAINS"
** Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a "REFUND"
NOTE: Under no circumstances is the Provice to furnish extensions.........
english.271dejanr,
This office wishes to bring to the attention of all personnel that
some individuals have been using abusive language in the exchange of
normal verbal communication with relation to the performance of
routine activities.
This code is provided to permit individual freedom and originality of
our fellow members to alleviate frustration and provide a cleaner,
precise and effective means of communication to one another and not
offend outside relationships and other individuals with sensitive ears
that may be within hearing distance.
To preclude mistaking the communication code with department numbers
and telephone extensions, management has assigned 600-700-800-900
series numbers to be utilized or your convenience and clarity.
600 SERIES - ASS 800 SERIES - F**K
---------------- -----------------
601 - Stick it up your ass 801 - F**k off
602 - Your ass sucks wind 802 - F**k it
603 - Go pound sand up your ass 803 - What the F**k?
604 - Up your ass 804 - I just got f**ked
605 - Kiss my ass 805 - Big F**king Deal
606 - You play ball with us or 806 - F**k it, just f**k it
we'll stick the bat up 807 - I don't give a f**k
your ass 808 - Far f**king out
809 - F**k the phones
700 SERIES - SHIT 810 - Get the f**k off my back
----------------- 811 - It's so f**king bad, I don't
believe it
701 - You've got to be shitting me 812 - I hate this f**king place
702 - I'll beat the shit out of you 813 - F**k you very much
703 - I don't give a shit 814 - Lovely, simply f**king lovely
704 - Oh shit 815 - Bang it in your f**king...
705 - Hot shit 816 - Merry f**king Christmas
706 - Tell someone who gives a shit 817 - Don't get f**king wise
707 - Pardon me sir, you obviously 818 - I didn't design the f**king
mistook me for someone who thing
gives a shit 819 - The f**king thing won't...
820 - Who called this f**king
meeting
821 - Holy F**k, Labour Hurts
900 SERIES - GENERAL
--------------------
901 - Smile if you want it 907 - Meet you at the motel
902 - As long as I don't stand up 908 - Let's take off sick together
I'm fine 909 - Lay down, I think I love you
903 - I'm free this weekend 910 - You make my putter stand on
904 - Help me dump this mother end
905 - Let's ball at lunch 911 - Is that a gun in your pocket
906 - I'm free tonight or are you just glad to see
me?
english.272dejanr,
a bit of humor, hit 'n' if you can't take a joke....
What he said happened:
144 Coalition planes shot down
What really happened:
10 Coalition planes shot down
What he said happened:
Military, industrial and scientific targets attacked in Tel Aviv.
What really happened:
Breakfast nook destroyed, owner out of town.
What he said happened:
Coalition bombing caused minor damage to residential areas of Bagdhad.
What really happened:
Iraqi military infrastructure destroyed.
What he said happened:
Saudi Arabia bathed in blood of traitors.
What really happened:
Trash dumpster damaged, porch light went out (might be unrelated).
What he said happened:
Tel Aviv has become a crematorium.
What really happened:
See "Military, industrial and scientific attacked in Tel Aviv" above...
What he said happened:
Scud missile salvos laid waste to Daharan and Riyadh.
What really happened:
Patriot manafacturer Raytheon's stock goes up 4 5/8ths in one day.
What he said happened:
Frog missiles scored devastating attack on Coalition forces.
What really happened:
Hole made in sand dune.
What he said is happening:
Arabs worldwide are joining Iraq in Holy War
What is really happening:
Arabs worldwide are watching "Holy War" on CNN
--
-- uunet!sugar!karl
-- Usenet access: (713) 438-5018
english.273dejanr,
* * * * TECHNOLOGY UPDATE * * * *
MOTOROLA EDGED OUT IN FABRICATION TECHNOLOGY
____________________________________________
FOR VLSI (VERY LARGE-SCALE INTEGRATION) CIRCUITS
________________________________________________
Austin, TX - Recognition for the greatest expertise in
the fabrication of physically large integrated circuits is generally
accorded to Motorola's Austin-based Solid State Devices group.
Although some low volume and special application integrated circuits
by other manufacturers exhibit larger physical dimensions, Motorola
handily beats all others in the field of "mass produced" chips,
having several standard items which are fabricated on a single,
continuous, silicon crystal base of 420 mils by 420 mils.
Industry talk is that this distinction will be lost within
the next few weeks as the 327th Strategic Bomb Wing of the U.S. Air
Force releases plans to produce a single, continuous silicon crystal
measuring 2,200 kilometers by 2,200 kilometers. Refusing to reveal
specifics of the project, Air Force press officer, Major Robert
Dugan, did acknowledge that the crystal would probably be produced
using "existing technology" and that it would be produced at the
Air Force's Middle-East Test Facility (METF).
Motorola spokesmen were unavailable for comment.
- 30 -
Contributed by G. Clark
...!gatech!dscatl!opto!glen
english.274dejanr,
Q: How is Saudi Arabia different from Vietnam?
A: Dan Quayle went to Saudi Arabia.
(Yes, I know this is outdated. Sorry.)
english.275dejanr,
Patricia Ireland, NOW's national vice president, has identified
the cause of the Gulf War. Ms Ireland:
``The Congress that authorized use of force is 95 percent male, 95
percent white and has no acknowledged lesbians. It is hardly a
representative body.''
[quote from UPI wire story]
--
-- Tom White
tew2@Ra.MsState.Edu
english.276dejanr,
Hey.
What's blue and comes in brownies?
Cub Scouts!
Mark
NOTE: If you were offended by this joke,
GOOD!
english.277dejanr,
1) The B52 pilots >really< want to make bombing runs on beautiful
downtown Baghdad, but we've promised not to target ordnance on
civilians.
2) The allies want to bring Iraq's economy to its knees.
3) The parachute manufacturers are going broke: far fewer than the
expected number of allied pilots are using parachutes.
4) The US has an unemployment problem in the legal profession.
5) The US is having to go hat in hand to beg money for the war
effort from its allies.
So...
I suggest we pack up our surplus lawyers in B52's, instead of
bombs, generously let them take all their law books and money with
them, fly them over Baghdad and drop them on Saddam's economy like
a ton of grit-in-the-gears bricks.
As a humanitarian gesture, we should let them bid for parachutes
before dropping them.
To keep the bidding spirited, we should arrange that there be one
fewer parachutes than lawyers per bombing run.
All proceeds to go to fund the war effort.
The effect of all the surviving lawyers on Iraq's economy should
be every bit as crippling as it has previously been on the US
economy.
Kent, the man from xanth.
<xanthian@Zorch.SF-Bay.ORG> <xanthian@well.sf.ca.us>
--
Sends lawyers and guns, but keep the money.
english.278dejanr,
Is there any truth to the rumor that Saddam Hussein has agreed to pull
out of Kuwait as soon as George Bush pronounces his name right?
***
President Bush has pledged the "darndest search and destroy mission
that's ever been undertaken" against Iraq's remaining SCUD missiles.
Hoo Boy. Saddam Hussein has got to be quivering in his shoes now.
***
Dennis Miller reports on Saturday Night Live that Parker Brothers
has announced that "SCUD" is now an officially recognized
"Scrabble" word.
***
Michael Meyers ("Wayne" on "Wayne's World") reports that he thought
a "scud" was a girl who looks great from far away but when
you get closer you say, "Eeeeww..what a scud!"
He also reports that the best name of a media correspondent for
the Persian Gulf war is Brit Hume of ABC News (as in "The name's Hume...Brit
Hume"). Worst: Wolf Blitzer (sounds like he made it up just
for the war).
***
What's the difference between Iraqi women and Spuds McKenzie?
Spuds has better breath and knows how to drive.
-- Julia
english.279dejanr,
Wasn't it Joan of Arc who said, "Is it just me or is it hot
in here?"
Wasn't it Caesar Augustus who said "Silly me...here it is the middle
of January and I'm still writing 'B.C.' on my checks."
Wasn't it Dan Quayle who said, "What was the question?"
Wasn't it Saddam Hussein who said, "What's the number for 911?"
Wasn't it Roseanne Barr who said, "It ain't over 'til I sing"?
Wasn't it the captain of the Exxon Valdez who said "Damn! Who
brought the corkscrew?"
Wasn't it John Holmes who said, "He who lives by the sword dies by
the sword"?
Wasn't it Saddam Hussein who said, "I am confident that my superior
air force will wipe the infidels out of the sky"?
Wasn't it Dolly Parton's newborn child who said, "all this...for me?"
-- Julia
english.280dejanr,
A recent post suggested that we offer a substantial reward
for Saddam Husein's head. Okay... now imagine we require, that in order to
receive the reward, the applicant must present Saddam's head in a sack.
Now imagine offering a LARGE enough reward to tempt one of
Saddam's own children to...
BAG DAD!
:-):-);-)
--Greg K.
english.281dejanr,
Getting back to the argument about the startrek song, here's the details
from the other side of the big blue sea (ie England), where it was
originally recorded and released.
It is called - startrekkin' - and was recorded by a little known
group called 'The Firm'. It was released in England in the early part
of 1988, I'm sorry , but I don't know the label off hand, though I do
have the single at home. I'll get the lyrics shortly, and if anybody
wants a copy, Email me, and I'll get back to you shortly.
OBJ : What's red and sits in the corner?
A naughty bus! (Yes, we have red buses in England!).
Dave.
english.282dejanr,
[Warning: If you are easily offended or faint at heart ...
... to put it straight, a person with no sense of humor,
do not read on ... repeat, do not read on. Push n for
next article. You have been warned. ]
TOPTEN USES FOR THE REMAINS OF BAGHDAD
10. United States garbage dumping ground.
9. A new place for the Ethiopians to live.
8. Film shooting site for Ghandi 2.
7. A reason to make the survivors of Hiroshima
and Nagasaki feel better.
6. A great place for a new Disneyland.
5. Archaeological excavation to look for dinosaur
bones and/or ancient Indian burial grounds.
4. Saddam Hussain drinks out of the toilet.
3. A reason not to use drugs.
2. Funny material for Kuwaiti comedians.
AND THE NUMBER ONE USE FOR THE REMAINS OF BAGHDAD:
1. A museum showcasing the reamains of exploded
missiles and body parts.
english.283dejanr,
You can thank my children for these...
IRAQI J0KES
-----------
Q: How do you get 15 Iraqis into a matchbox?
A: Tell them it's gasproof.
Did you know the Iraqis think technology is to clip a privet bush into a
pretty shape?
Q: What's the connection between Hiroshima, Nagaski and Baghdad?
A: There isn't one... yet.
Q: Why did the Iraqi cross the road?
A1: Because he was chicken.
A2: The chicken had been blown up.
A3: Etc.
Diner: "Waiter, waiter, there's an Iraqi in my soup!"
Waiter: "Yes, Sir. All the Iraqis are in the soup."
Q: How many Iraqis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 302; One to change the bulb, one to work out where the light bulb
shop used to be, and 300 to build a power station.
Q: How can you tell if there's an Iraqi in your fridge?
A: There are two Americans in there trying to shoot him.
Q: How did the Iraqis blow up the chip shop?
A: With a spud missile.
Q: How did the Iraqis blow up the launderette?
A1: With a sud missile.
A2: With a nuclear detergent.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm an Iraqi!"
"Well, you'll just have to pull yourself together."
Q: What's the difference between Sadam Hussein and Adolf Hitler?
A: Adolf Hitler might still be alive in a week's time.
english.284dejanr,
NOT A FAKE THIS TIME!!!!!!
HIT THE 'N' IF YOU'RE UNDERAGED
IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, DON'T READ IT, DON'T FLAME ME FOR IT
I DID NOT WRITE THIS
I DO NOT HAVE TO *LIKE* THIS JOKE TO POST IT
This is your last chance, dude.. I'm not kidding..
What's long and hard on a Black man?
Second grade!!!
Sorry...
I'll post more later
english.285dejanr,
Shere Hite and Gloria Steinem, two of the many feminists well-known for
their hilarious wit and ability to savor a joke, deserve a mention
here. Gloria Steinem recently wrote a book on Marilyn Monroe from the
feminist viewpoint, along the lines of "the Marilyn nobody knew." When
the book was published, it was widely advertised as containing "16
pages of rare and intimate color photos." Rare and intimate photos,
eh? The pictures were so "rare and intimate, that some breathless ape
had actually torn them right out of the copy in my town library!
Just the thing to advance the cause of feminism. If that doesn't
display a sense of the ridiculous, I don't know what does.
But Shere Hite deserves the grand prize of "Mistress of Mirth." She has
invented multiple false identities for herself. Calling herself
"Diana Gregory" she placed haranguing calls to reporters about the
much-criticized methodology of her book "Women and Love."
Under the name "Joan Brookbank" Shere has returned calls to journalists
and acted as a supposedly independent voice in her office.
When I was looking for a book publisher recently ace prankster Alan
Abel "kindly" gave me the name and address of "Joan Brookbank," as being
a literary agent who specialized in humor and practical jokes. With
eager anticipation I duly mailed the manuscript to Shere. After
several months of follow-up letters, I finally read of Ms Hite's
identity crisis in the newspaper, and realized that I never was going
to get a reply from this Harpo Marx of the women's movement. I didn't
even get the manuscript back. I think I'll go round to her house and
leave the toilet seat up, that'll fix her.
english.286dejanr,
what is the similarity between tight panties and saddam hussein?
- they both rub bush the wrong way!
english.287dejanr,
I drink Busch! (hey its cheap!!)
I voted for Bush! (mom made me do it!!)
I eat bush! (disgusting but funny!!)
english.288dejanr,
Sorry about the rot 13!
IN PLAIN ENGLISH
did you hear that Poland sent 50,000 of its troops to the gulf?
Mexico doesn't know what to do with them.
english.289dejanr,
This is a joke heard at a Bull Thrower's Contest sponsored by
Toastmaster's International. Since I heard this through a third
party, I am unfortunately unable to give credit to the original
author.
A salesman is trying to sell his wares all over the city, and it has
been a very long day. For the last appointment, he arrives ten minutes
late. The secretary is very upset by this tardiness, but is convinced to
inform her boss of the salesman's arrival. After consulting with her boss,
she returns and says the salesman may enter. But she also says, "Make sure you
don't say anything about his ears, he is very, very sensitive about his ears".
Though a strange request, the salesman figures he can cope. So he
enters his prospective client's office. At first he notices that this man is
monstrous, muscles bulging from places he didn't even know had muscles.
This man would make the Raider defensive line flinch. He's huge. Then the
salesman notices that this man is bald, completely, no hair at all. And
without being able to help it, he notices that the man has no ears, just two
holes where normal fleshy extensions of the ears typically exist.
The prospective client, noticing where the salesman is looking,
quickly takes offense and says,"What the hell do you think your looking at??"
The salesman, not wanting to offend and become flattened, hesitates
for only a second and then says,"Your eyes, I'm looking at your eyes. I always
look at a client's eyes when I'm making a presentation."
The client, temporarily appeased, asks the salesman," How can I be
sure that you were looking at my eyes?" Again thinking fast on his feet and
noticing the deep blue eyes of the client, the salesman says,"Well, because
you're wearing contacts."
Now the client is impressed. But he's curious, and says," How did
you know that I was wearing contacts from all the way across the room?"
The salesman, growing weary and just wanting to go home says,"
Because you don't have any ears to hang glasses on."
english.290dejanr,
DS: We want to be free Irish
Trans: We don't give a shit about Kuwait, or the plight of any other
country...just ours.
DS: I don't like the brits anymore than you
Trans: I don't like the brits anymore than you, but I just started
a huge F*****G flame war.....AAAAAAAaaaaaaarrrrrrgggg!
Nuke all goats behind doors!!!
english.291dejanr,
What's all this ruckus I hear about not wanting to stop the bombing
to "Pause for Piece"?
Oh....Never mind!
english.292dejanr,
In article <1038@glenlivet.hci.hw.ac.uk> smc@hci.hw.ac.uk (Steve McGowan)
writes:
> Seen on a men's toilet wall.....
>
> "Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinals - it makes
> them difficult to light."
Another one from the restroom:
We aim to please.
You aim too, please.
and
In case of nuclear attack, dive in here.
Nobody's hit it yet.
english.293dejanr,
Q) What's black, square and hairy?
A) A Pubic Cube.
Q) Why was Spock found with his he ad in the toilet bowl?
A) He was looking at the Captain's log.
english.294dejanr,
Heard this one today.
The Bagdad weather report for the next few days
Temperature - 15,000 degrees
Wind - variable, gusting to 2,500 mph
Just think. That would leave one big glass parking lot!
english.295dejanr,
I wasn't sure which groups would find this appropriate; I thought it
was very funny, it relates to the current situation in the gulf, etc.
I set the followup line to talk.politics.misc and ask that you
redirect it if appropriate.
Last night I was flipping through the channels covering the start of
the attack and happened to catch CBS's interview with General Michael
Dugan. General Dugan, you may recall, was the air force general who
was fired a couple weeks ago for being a little too candid in his
descriptions of the primary targets should the US ever enter a war with
Iraq.
Apparently, as soon as Dugan was fired, CBS jumped at the chance to
hire him as a consultant. They figured he'd have the most recent
information on strategy etc.
Dan Rather asked the questions after introducing him as the general
recently fired for his candor and asked for detailed comments.
The general stood looking nervously, eyes shifting and made some
general statement. Rather asked about 4 questions, prefacing each with
the request for specific information. Each time the general answered
either evasively or with generalities (is that why they call them
generals?). Finally, CBS gave up on him; I don't think they ever went
back to him all evening.
One example was a question about whether the US would be most likely to
start the attack with Tomahawk cruise missiles or with Jets. Dugan
answered "Yes, they'd be likely to mount an attack with cruise missiles
and jets."
Before the camera cut to the general, I imagined a man with a sock
stuffed in his mouth. Once he started answering so evasively, the
metaphorical sock became apparent. With each question, I laughed
harder and harder.
At least he learned his lesson about candor. I wonder how much CBS
spent to hire him....
english.296dejanr,
Things that would make you worry...now:
1.) George Bush seen running around the white house wearing army camoflague
gear.
2.) US Pilots returning from sorties at night....from the wrong direction.
3.) CNN reporters in Baghdad complaining of strange green blisters on their
arms.
4.) Seeing Iraqi tanks in the background of a US Pool Video service man
interview.
5.) Stealth fighters, unable to detect each other, colliding...
english.297dejanr,
>From 'The Guardian' 17/1/91:
Under a notice in a Leicester hospital asking "are you suffering
from a sexually transmitted disease?", someone has scribbled
"Yes. Children".
english.298dejanr,
>>>>44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the
>>>> stick.
>>>
>>> I prefer...
>>>
>>> It's not the size of the wand, but the way the magician waves it that
>>> brings the rabbit out of the hat!
>>>
>> better yet...
>> It's not the length it's not the size it's how many times you can make
>> it rise.
>
> And more variations on the same theme:
>
> It's not the size of the wave that counts, but the motion of the
ocean.
Do y'all hear that a lot?
Your girlfriends actually have you BELIEVING this garbage?
One more variation on the same theme...(told to me by my girlfriend...
and my ex...and my ex ex...)
OH MY GOD!!
IT REALLY IS THE SIZE!
~~
:-)
Mark
english.299dejanr,
What do Marion Barry and Marilyn Quayle have in common?
They both blow a little dope...
english.300dejanr,
One evening, <insert your favorite character or ethnic group> is
sitting in a bar. Another guy comes in and excitedly announces,
"There's a woman in the parking lot who's taking-on all comers!"
He goes outside and finds a line about 30 guys long, leading to a car.
He goes back inside, gets another drink, and joins the line.
Finally, it's his turn! As he's banging away, a cop car comes along;
the cops turn on their spotlight.
"Hey! What do you think you're doing?"
"I'm screwing my wife."
"Why don't you do that at home?"
"I didn't know it was my wife until you turned the light on!"
english.301dejanr,
The devil had just captured 3 guys. He said he would take their souls
unless he was asked something he could not do. So here's the responses
of teh guys.
1: Go to the nearest star and back in one second.
The devil does so, bringing back a rock from the star just to prove he'd
been there.
2: Lift up mount Everest with your nose.
The devil does so. Number 2 also loses his soul.
3: You say you can do anything?
Anything.
3: OK, get lost.
english.302dejanr,
An Iraqi diplomat arrives at JFK in New York.
He is outraged when custom officials search him.
"New York is the Asshole of the world!" he screams.
"Yessir," says the customs official. "Are you just passing through?"
english.303dejanr,
A couple of years ago, this memo was circulated around our offices.
I haven't seen it here before.
------------------------------------
M E M O R A N D U M
-------------------
To: All Employees
From: Special High Intensity Training
In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest
quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees
well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training
(S.H.I.T). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other
company in town.
If you feel you do not receive your fair share of S.H.I.T.
on the job, please see your supervisor. You will immediately be
placed on top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.
All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see
that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.
If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you
may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our
Basic Understanding Lecture List, Special High Intensity Training
(B.U.L.L. - S.H.I.T) program
If you have any further questions, please address them to our
Head Of Training - Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T - S.H.I.T)
program.
Thank you,
Boss In General
Special High Intensity Training
(B.I.G. - S.H.I.T)
P.S. With the personality some of you display around here, you
could easily become the Director of Intensity Programming -
Special High Intensity Training (D.I.P. - S.H.I.T).
english.304dejanr,
I heard this one from my brother, who's a wafer fab engineer.
It takes 3 persons to start a business in the computer industry:
businessman, lawyer, and engineer.
And when the company breaks up:
the businessman gets all the money,
the lawyer gets all the patents,
and the engineer gets to find another job.
english.305dejanr,
A recent survey into the readership of newspapers came up with the
following results.
THE TIMES is read by people who run the country.
THE MIRROR is read by the people who think they run the country.
THE GUARDIAN is read by the people who think they ought to run the
country.
THE DAILY MAIL is read by the wives of the people who run the country.
THE FINANCIAL TIMES is read by the people who own the country.
THE DAILY EXPRESS is read by the people who think that the country
should be run as it used to be.
THE DAILY TELEGRAPH is read by the people who believe it still is.
THE SUN is read by the people who don't care who runs the country as
long as she's got big tits.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Irish doctor who thought that ping pong balls
were a Chinese venereal disease.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three men were boasting about the size of their members, and decided
to see whose was the biggest by dangling them from the window of their
flat. The first proudly annouced that his hung down as far as the floor
below. The second claimed that his went even further. But the third
couldn't keep still. As he dangled his penis, he kept jumping from
side to side.
"What are you doing?" asked one of the others.
"Avoiding the traffic," he replied.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Methodist minister and a Rabbi met one day, and each invited the other
to his place of worship. After the visits had taken place, the Rabbi
commented on the enthusiasm of the minister, and asked what he thought
of the Jewish service.
"It was very interesting," replied the minister. "But there was one
thing I didn't understand. Why did the congregation boo and hiss every
time Moses was mentioned?".
"Isn't it obvious?" said the Rabbi. "as you know from the Bible, after
walking in the wilderness, Moses decided to turn left, and where he
stopped became the state of Israel."
"So?"
"If he'd turned right," continued the Rabbi vehmently, "we would have
had the oil and the Arabs would have had the oranges."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ayoung man and his girlfriend had gone out for a ride in the car, and
stopped by a remote field. They got out, and sat down, then started
cuddling. Suddenly the young man broke off from a deep passionate
kiss.
"Jane?" he said, "do you believe in the here after?"
"I've never really given it much thought, Why?" replied Jane.
"'Cos if your're not here after what I'm here after, You'll be here
after I've gone".
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A rather overweight young man was passing a shop window when he spotted
an advertisement. 'Lose weight easily and pleasently,' it said, 'First
Lesson $25, second lesson $35 and third lesson $45.' Deciding that it
was time that he slimmed down a bit, he rang up and enrolled for the
first lesson. When he arrived for the course, he paid the $25, and was
led into a large room, empty except for a beautiful naked brunette.
Around her neck she wore a notice which said simply, 'If you can catch
me, you can have me.' The young man approached her, and she started
running. He ran after her. The cahse went on for five minutes until he
finally caught up, pulled her onto the floor and they made love
vigorously and passionately.
When the young man got home, he found that to his pleasure that all the
exercise had made him lose 5lbs. And he'd enjoyed himself, so he booked
in for the second $35 lesson the next night.
He arrived, and again was led into a room, this time larger. And there i
the corner was a beautiful seductive blonde, naked except for a sign
saying 'If you catch me, you can have me.' He approached her, but she
ran off with some speed. She was clearly quite an athelete. The over-
weight young man chased her, and after nearly half an hour caught her
and pulled her onto the floor. She was nearly as energetic in her
lovemaking, and the young man went home satisfied with $35 well spent
and 12lbs lighter.
He could hardly wait for the $45 lesson. And he was trembling with
anticipation as he handed over the money. He was led into another room.
It was empty save for one naked man. He was 6 foot tall and muscular
and around his neck was a sign that read 'If I catch you, I have you.'
english.306dejanr,
Salesmen from all over the country got together for their annual
conference at the Imperial Hotel. At the company's party to celebrate
a record year of sales, one particularly cocky salesman was approached
by a stern looking man.
"Excuse me," he said. "But aren't you Barry Briggs?"
"That's me squire," replied the over confident young man. "Barry Briggs
is the name, selling's the game."
"I don't doubt it," continued the stranger. "Tell me, were you in
Birmingham two months ago?"
Briggs got out a little red diary, and started laefing through the
pages.
"Two months ago? Yes me old china, as a matter of fact I was."
"And did you stay at the Midland Hotel?" demanded the mysterious
stranger.
"Now let me see," said the ebullint salesman, flicking through the
pages. "Yes, it's all down here, the Midland Hotel."
"And did you have room 2315?"
"Hang on," he scanned the pages. "Yes I did."
"Next to a Mrs. Jones?"
"Mrs Jones?" He turned a page. "Yes, she was in room 2314."
"And you slept with her on the saturday night?"
"Just a second..." the salesman perused his book once again. "Yes
your're right. I did give her a bit of the old in-out."
The inquisitor looked even more severe.
"Mr. Briggs, I am her husband and I don't like it."
The salesman consulted his diary again.
"Mrs. Jones, Midland Hotel, room 2314... No neither did I."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Where do you get virgin wool from ?
Feminist sheep.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
What are the five biggest lies ?
1) The cheque's in the post.
2) Hello, I'm from the council, and I'm here to help you.
3) Some of my best friends are gay.
4) Big is beautiful.
5) I won't come in your mouth.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The writing on the wall... More chauvinist graffiti
Seen in a gentlemen only club..
'A wife is an attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
One fine summers day, George set off for his summer holiday. He had been
saving hard all year for the trip, and was driving along thinking of the
fun he would have, when he was stopped by a police patrol car. The polic
man walked around to his door, and said to George.
"I'm sorry to stop you sir, but I thought I'd point out that your
off-side brake light is faulty."
Georges reaction was dramatic.
"Oh God! No, it can't be!" he shreiked, then burst into uncontrollable
tears.
"It's nothing to worry about,sir," said the policeman. "I was only just
mentioning it."
But George was on the floor thumping the tarmac.
"Sir, it's only a bulb, you can get one at the next garage," continued
the policeman.
"It's not that," sobbed George. "Where's my caravan?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old Jewish tailor was woken at 3am by the phone ringing. He picked it
up, and heard an exultant voice on the other end of the line.
"Hey, Manny, this is Mr. Johnson here," it said. "I'm just ringing to
tell you that I'm currently in bed with your daughter, the one that
helps in your shop, and I've just screwed her for half an hour."
The little tailor smiled.
"So?" he replied. "that is her buisness. She is 28-years-old now, and
can look after herslf. So why phone me?"
"I just wanted to congratulate you," replied Mr. Johnson. "It's the
first time I've had something from your shop that fits."
english.307dejanr,
George came into the office one morning full of the joys of spring, and
was amazed when his seceratary immeadiately suggested that he sit down.
"Oh you do look ill," she said. "You'd better take the week off.'
Surprised but none the less impressed by his secertarys obviously
genuine concern, he went home.
On the way he met Jim, an old friend.
"God, what's up with you?" he asked
"I don't know. I feel fine," replied George.
"If I was you I'd get straight to the doctor," Jim said looking worried.
"But I feel perfectly alright," he protested.
Jim's response was along intake of breath. Even George's neighbour
commented as he walked past.
"You look awful," she said tactlessly, and George eventually bowed
under the weight of public opinion, and decided to go to the doctors.
"Doctor, look," he said, "I feel fine but everyone says I look terrible.
What's up?"
"I don't know,' he replied. "You certainly look rough. Now let me see."
So saying he reached up, and took a large medical tome from the shelf,
then started leafing through the pages. "Looks good, feels good, that's
not it. Looks good, feels bad, no. Ah, I've found it. Feels good, looks
terrible."
"And?" asked George anxiously.
"You're a cunt."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
After her operation, the famous lady soap opera star was propped up in
bed in her private room, as the doctor did his rounds.
"Tell me, how are you feeling now?" he asked.
"A lot better, thank you," purred the star in reply. "But one thing
does bother me. When will I be able to resume a normal sex life?"
"Oh, that's rather hard to say," said the doctor. "I've never been
asked that after a tonsilectomy before."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Hello my dear,' smiled the vicar of the Yorkshire parish at the little
girl. 'That's a nice cat. What do you call him?'
'Cooking fat,' replied the girl.
'That's an odd name. Who thought of it?'
'My father,' she replied innocently. 'He calls it that every time he
trips over it.'
english.308dejanr,
Little Audrey was staying with her uncle and auntie. One night she crept
into their bedroom, and caught a glimpse of her uncles penis.
"What's that?" Audrey asked innocently.
"Um, it's the aerial of my new radio," replied her uncle quickly.
"Oh really, what make is it?" she enquired.
The old man thought fast.
"It's a Sony, why?"
"That's funny", replied Audrey with a wry grin. "I could have sworn I
heard you say it was Ferranti"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two girls, friends since their schooldays agreed to meet in the local
tea shop. Mary arrived first, and sat down, waiting for Jill. When Mary
saw her, she was shocked. She looked tired and seemed to be limping.
She sat down beside her very gingerly.
"You look awful," said Mary, "whatever's the matter?"
"I'm a bit sore," said Jill wincing.
"Never mind," replied Mary. "You'll be better after some tea".
"Actually, I'd rather have a cold drink," said Jill. "My mouths a bit
sore as well."
"What on earth's wrong with you?" asked Mary with some concern. "Have
you got a virus or something?"
"No, it's my new boyfriend," replied Jill. "He fucks like lightning."
"How do you mean?"
"He never strikes in the same place twice."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young actor went to a theatrical doctor complaining of a rash on his
genitals.
"Should I strip off?" asked the patient.
"Only if the part warrants it," replied the doctor.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A tourist from Hong Kong was having some trouble in a London bank. He ha
just cashed a travellers' cheque, and had been given 138 Pounds sterling
"But two weeks ago," he protested to the counter clerk, "I cashed a chequ
for the same amount and got 150 Pounds.Why's that?"
"Fluctuations," replied the clerk.
"Fluck you Eulopeans too, I want my 150 Pounds."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bad news from the Olympic Games for Sexual Atheletes. The American
team didn't come anywhere.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you heard about the the old man who streaked at a flower show. He
won first prize for his dried arrangement.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's hard, straight and dry going in, and soft wet and sticky
coming out ?
Chewing Gum.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Dad what's that?" asked the inquisitive boy pointing at his father's
parts.
"It's my hedgehog," replied the embarrassed father.
"Really," said the boy. "It's got a big cock hasn't it?"
english.309dejanr,
Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of
conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the
fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he
is most likely to be creamed?
-- Solomon Short
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's
character, give him power.
-- Abraham Lincoln
No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
Of all forces acting on man, change is the most beneficial and the most cruel
Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
be irresponsible, too.
-- Lichty & Wagner
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill them.
Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough
to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
english.310dejanr,
An old woman was sitting in a park in Moscow reading a "Teach
Yourself Hebrew" book. A policeman notices her and decides to
start to give her a hard time.
"What are you reading that for?" he shouts at her.
She replies, "I am old, and I will die soon. I want to be
prepared; so I am studying the language of heaven."
The cop says, "Well, how do know that it's heaven that you are going
to?"
The old women answers, "Well, honestly I don't, but that's okay. I
already speak Russian."
----------------------------------------------------
>From London Times via Car and Driver:
Comrade Gorbachev is being driven from his dacha to Moscow and
is in a hurry. He is getting irritated with the slowness of his
driver. "Can't you go any faster?" he says angrily. "I have to
obey the speed limits," says the driver. Finally Gorbachev
orders the driver into the back and takes the wheel. Sure
enough a patrol car soon pulls them over. The senior officer
orders the junior to go write up the ticket. But the junior
officer comes back and says he can't give them a ticket, the
person in the car is too important. "Well, who is it?", the
senior officer asks. "I didn't recognize him," says the junior
officer, "but Comrade Gorbachev is his chauffeur."
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: The one which didn't get away
(The following appeared recently in the Globe & Mail.)
Forget about Dog Bites Man. Relegate Man Bites Dog to the back pages.
Today we are dealing with Fish swallows dog, an item which reaches us by
way of Moscow.
The dog was swimming across the Pechora River to join its master
when it vanished, leaving only a ripple. The dog's master, who was fishing
at the time, hauled in his net and found it contained a giant pike. He
looked closely at its mouth and said to himself (probably) "Thereby hangs a
tail."
Yes, it was Fido (or the Russian equivalent). The dog struggled out
after the fish was cut open, and, according to Radio Moscow, hurled itself
at the pike, "barking excitedly."
It is often difficult for fishermen to tell stories about the one that
got away. In this case, Radio Moscow notwithstanding, will it be any easier
to tell about the one that didn't?
----------------------------------------------------
The December 1987 issue of Space World magazine had a letter describing the
38th meeting of the Congress of the International Astronautical Federation
(IAF) held in Brighton, England the week of October 11, 1987. There were
1,500 attendees and about 600 papers were presented. Here is an excerpt.
"At least one Soviet speaker at the IAF was looking far beyond tomorrow.
L. M. Shkadov, from the USSR Academy of Sciences, presented a paper in which
he proposed to use a solar sail to move the entire Solar System around the
galaxy.
His calculations showed that the Solar System could be moved a distance of
30 parsecs (about 98 light years) in one revolution of the Galaxy (about
200 million years) using a reflector some 400,000-800,000 miles in diameter
positioned so that the Sun's gravitational pull on the reflector would be
just balanced by the force of the solar radiation on the reflector.
The idea is to eventually move the Earth into the planetary system of a
relatively young, solar-type star before our Sun begins the trauma of
stellar senescence."
----------------------------------------------------
A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the
doctor tells the man he has bad news. "You only have six months
to live." The man sits for a while thinking, and then says,
"There's only one thing I can do, I'm going to become a
communist." The doctor says, "You've been a patriotic American
all your life, why are you going to become a communist now?"
The man says, "Better one of them should die than one of us."
english.311dejanr,
Does anyone know why they have locks on the doors at 7-11 if they're
open 24 hours?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between the Boy Scouts and [name your org]?.......
The Boy Scouts have adult leadership!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Three men were in the hospital waitng room while their respective wives
to deliver. Finally a nurse comes out asking for Mr. J.
"Congratulations, you're the proud father of twins!" "Isn't that
facinating, I come from Twin Forks."
and he runs off to see his family. The nurse returns for Mr S.
"Congratulations, you're the proud father of triplets!" "Isn't that
facinating, I come from the Triple Cities." and he hurries off.
Immediately the third father stands up and starts to leave. The
nurse stops him and inquires about where he's going. "HOME", he
says, "to the Thousand Islands!!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"Nowadays, when opportunity knocks, you have to unlock both deadbolts,
remove the chain, and turn off the burglar alarm..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a pair of people who doubt the very existance of God?
A: A Diagnostic.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Explain the distinction between the words "stationery" and "stationary:"
If I want to buy some writing paper and envelopes, I would go to a stationary
store, because the moving ones are too hard to find.
There are many types of engineers. For example, automotive engineers design
cars, while stationery engineers design printing presses and embossing
machines.
This is called a "spelling lessen" because it lessens your ability to spell
correctly.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The enlightenment generated by a seminary is measured in luminaries.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Message sent out: If anyone is walking (or even sitting) around with a blue
Pilot pen with a transparent barrel which doesn't belong to them; I think it
is probably mine. I've lost three. They seem to have walked away from my
office.
The reply: Reboot your office. They might come back.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Werner von Braun said, "Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know
what I'm doing."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Bad luck is having your operation by the winner of the local grammar
school's doctor-for-a-day contest
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Status:
Most everything is functioning normally (except the users of course!).
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Practicing medicine in the Bronx has its complications, but the
following is something even we don't have to put up with:
DHAKA (Bangladesh): At least 50 patients ran screaming
from their beds after five cobras reared their heads in a
packed ward on the third floor of Dacca Medical College
Hospital, officials said yesterday.
Hospital employees killed the poisonous snakes after
Tuesday's fright, but snake charmers were summoned today
in case more serpents were lurking in the hospital.
Craig Werner (MD/PhD '91)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Daffy-nitions
Fascinate: Ma had nine buttons on her nightgown, but she could only
fascinate.
Pasteurize: The water's only up to my neck, but it's pasteurize.
Gruesome: My dad stopped shaving and gruesome whiskers.
Defeat of deduct go over defense before detail.
Analyze, anatomy: My analyze over the ocean.
My analyze over the sea.
My analyze over the ocean.
Oh, bring back my anatomy.
english.312dejanr,
OXYGEN
------
Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in
concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to these oxygen
concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very much those of
cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.) In higher concentration e.g. about 20%,
the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it takes about 2.5 billion
inhalations before death takes place. The reason for the delay is the
difference in mechanism of the toxic effect of of oxygen in 20% concentration.
It apparently contributes to a complex process called aging, of which very
little is known, except that it is always fatal.
However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is the fact
that it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any considerable
decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with symptoms resembling
those of cyanide poisoning.
Concentrations higher than 20% decrease the above mentioned delay. High
oxygen concentration provokes in prematurely born babies placed in incubators
a condition known as retrolental fibroplasia resulting in blindness. Lung
irritation has been reported on experimental animals exposed for several days
to high oxygen concentrations.
Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All the fires that were reported in the
continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be due to
the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings in
question.
Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
tasteless, so that its presence cannot be readily detected until it is too
late.
english.313dejanr,
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always
late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't
do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told
him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the
alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to
work.
"Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked !"
" That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday ? "
----------------------------------------------------
Know why they don't let government workers look out the window in the
morning?
So they'll have something to do in the afternoon!
----------------------------------------------------
It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
been searching for evidence which could support this.
-- Bertrand Russell
----------------------------------------------------
It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which
raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.
-- Franklin P. Jones
----------------------------------------------------
It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
two things still safe to eat.
-- Robert Fuoss
----------------------------------------------------
I've found thats it's not good to talk about your troubles. Eighty
percent of the people who hear them don't care and the other twenty
percent are glad your having trouble.
--- Tommy LaSorda
----------------------------------------------------
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
-- Groucho Marx
----------------------------------------------------
I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
-- Emile Henry Gauvreay
----------------------------------------------------
Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
-- Harry Emerson Fosdick
----------------------------------------------------
Life is too important to take seriously.
-- Corky Siegel
----------------------------------------------------
Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these
interest rates, we don't need it."
english.314dejanr,
Once there was a girl named French Fry. She lived next door to a guy named
Tater Tot. Now Tater Tot was a real stud(spud?) - he drove a Mercedes,
had loads of money, was real good looking - everything French Fry's parents
wanted in a son-in-law. But every time they brought this up, French Fry
would say, "I don't want to marry Tater Tot. I want to marry Howard
Cosell!".
And her parents would always reply, "you can't marry Howard Cosell. He's
only a commontater."
----------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the midget who was
running away from the Prague Police?
He ran up to a house, knocked on the door
and asked the woman who opened the door
if she would cache a small Czech
----------------------------------------------------
One day a three-legged dog moseyed (?) into Dodge City, Kansas.
He was your typical western dog, he had a bandana around his neck
and a snarl on his lips.
Anyway, Matt Dillon met the dog in the middle of Main Street amidst
all his fans and said, "Three-Legged dog, this heres a peaceful
community, we don't want no trouble."
To which the three-legged dog replied, "Matt, I'm not looking for
no trouble neither, I'm just lookin' for the man that shot my pa(w)!"
----------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a short psycic who escapes from prison?
A: A small medium at large.
----------------------------------------------------
There was a crowd of bees flying around one day. These bees were
most peculiar, in that they were powered by gasoline, rather than
the allergenic goodies that bees usually eat. As the crowd flew
along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would
fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a
car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd.
One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas
station. As he passed the second station, he coughing badly, but
still he flew on. Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove
down to a station and gassed up.
When he rejoined the crowd, his neighbor challenged him: "Look, you
passed right by an open station when you started to get low. You
passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally,
you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station.
Are you crazy?"
He replied, "Well, it's like this. The first station was a Gulf
station. I really don't like Gulf at all. The second station was a
Texaco station. That's even worse. But the third station was an
Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. You
know what they say don't you..
There's an Esso Bee in every crowd!"
english.315dejanr,
While looking for a Real Job (read: technical writing), I've been paying
the bills doing medical transcription work. I came across a book today
called "The Empty Laugh Book" by the American Association for Medical
Transcription, containing some of the funniest dictated and transcribed quotes
from the world of medicine that I've ever encountered. Some of the best
follow:
(c) 1981 AAMT
---------------------------------------------------------------------
d: Hesselbach's triangle
t: House of Ox triangle
d: Foot is cold with a purplish hue
t: Foot is cold with a purple shoe
d: Patient is a primip.
t: Patient is a prime rib.
d: Patient was followed up by the Neurology Service.
t: Patient was fouled up by the Neurology Service.
d: Varicose veins
t: Very close veins
d: Patient underwent a tubal ligation.
t: Patient underwent a two-ball ligation.
d: Dr. Blank concurred with the diagnosis.
t: Dr. Blank conquered the diagnosis.
d: If I may be of any help to you in the future along the way, please feel
free to make an appointment for further evaluation in the meantime.
d: When this man straightens his head and puts it under his chin, he
gets some relief.
d: The patient was placed under the microscope.
d: Extremities: The patient wears a toupee and there is a right inguinal
hernia.
d: Patient has pain after intercourse in his chest.
d: Mother died at age 91, has good health and is active mentally.
d: Surgeries: Appendectomy, T&A, and bilateral breast bi-zippies.
d: [On an operative report, the surgical assistants]: In the left corner we
have Billy, in the center puttering around with her little paws is Molly,
and dancing around to my right is Daisy, and this is yours truly.
d: Get this: 100 mg., enough for a small hippo!
d: This is a letter to O.B. Tate. Dear O.B. No, Dear Ms. Tate -- I don't
know, maybe it's a man. Dear person Tate. I don't know what you say. Dear
person Tate. No, you can't say that. Dear Ms. Tate. Oh, make something up.
d: The patient was taken to delivery where she gave birth to a male-female
infant. Oops! There isn't any such thing, is there?
d: His tongue was slightly hairy. Yes, that's what I said, hairy.
d: The patient had a deformity of the chest, the name of which I can never
remember at the proper time.
d [On phone to the x-ray technician]: I'm sending over a hand. Maybe an
arm will come later. Maybe a body will come with it.
d: This is the phantom of the phone.
d: The patient is here with a rash which I sent over to Dr. Blank.
d: The patient went to the bathroom shortly after the sigmoidoscopy and
produced a prolapse, which she brought back to the office.
d: He was discharged to home with the Visiting Nurses following him.
d: Despite treatment, the patient improved.
d: She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions
in early December.
d: Smokes two packs per day and consumes one quart of alcohol per day for
past 10 years. Admitted with diagnosis of shortness of breath and increasing
abdominal girth, etiology unknown.
d: Family history: Mother, age 87, is a diabetic. Father lives with an ulcer.
d: We do not feel this patient has any significant physical disease at the
present time, and for this reason we have advised her to return to you.
d: The patient said she was too sick to be in the hospital and would return
when she felt better.
d: Patient became pregnant with an IUD.
d: Because of the age of the patient, speed was increased for fear of the
patient going bad on the table.
d: Both marital problems are teenagers.
d: Patient took 6 Zactrin tablets given him by his dentist with a bizarre
suicide note.
d: On exam, he has cigarettes in his front pocket.
d: He breaks out with cats.
d: Patient slipped on the porch when she went out to feed the birds
and broke her ankle. The birds were not injured.
d: Patient had a spontaneous vaginal hysterectomy.
d: The barium enema on the phone was within normal limits.
d: Contusion of the leg secondary to nausea and vomiting.
d: It is my feeling at this time still that Mr. Blank is still in need of
surgical correction in order to provide a more definitive direction and
solution to the problem that is at hand.
d: The patient, be he dead or alive, needs a doctor's order to be released.
d: Here a pain, there a pain, everywhere a pain, pain.
d: Past History: Four children and an appendectomy.
d: The only complaint of this 74 year old woman is that the wind keeps
blowing her off her motorcycle and she suffers aches and pains because
of this.
d: This child will probably be shorter than he wants to be, but he should
have picked different parents.
d: I gave the x-rays to the patient to carry with him so he could show and
tell.
d: Preoperative diagnosis: Had enough kids. Desires tubal ligation.
d: The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
d: Patient was in an auto accident in 1965 and sustained a whiplash injury
for which she received heat and exercise and $3,000 compensation.
d: Physical examination revealed a garrulous, obese woman who was short of
breath on motion but not on talking.
d: Patient is a 28 year old white male who was playing his first league
game of the season when he was sliding into home plate. The patient was
safe, but his ankle was out.
d: He was a very pleasant person to talk with until he discovered that I
am a psychiatrist. At that point, he became markedly hostile and belligerent,
threatening to do great bodily harm to me if I did not leave the room
immediately. The interview, therefore, was terminated very rapidly and a
complete mental status is indeed not possible.
d: I don't think I have ever run into anything quite like this patient;
however, I think with a great deal of courage, keeping our eyes upward,
moving onward and upward, maybe we shall push through to the ultimate
victory as England did in those dark days of Dunkirk. I now find that she
is tired and she is nervous and she is not awake enough and she is not
asleep enough. She is not right enough, left enough, up enough, and she
is not down enough. I have decided that this whole thing can be cured by
that magic pill which I will get from the pharmacy. This little bottle of
pills will probably go into her purse along with seven other bottles
of pills of which she takes only about one half. She can't handle the ,,,,,,
so I told her to take [a vitamin preparation]. This has a little booze
in it and may help her. She will return in one month.
d: He has never been married except once for three days when he was on an
acid trip.
d: History and Physical: Mrs. Blank is a 64 year old black widow.
d: The patient was evaluated by an orthopedist, but impression of his con-
sultation is unknown, as I cannot read his writing.
d: She was taken to surgery on the 9th, as per operative report. She made
a good postoperative recovery and was seen in the clinic the morning following
surgery. Following that, she was lost in confusion, and repeated attempts
to locate her through the hospital information center failed to locate the
patient until the morning of the 15th when she phoned me stating that she
was still in the hospital in room 5309 ... Her unusual length of stay in the
hospital was not intentional and it was due to misunderstanding and confusion
and inability to locate the patient until Tuesday ... The patient's hospital
course was uneventful and she was discharged.
d: She states that her husband took downers and she took uppers so the
relationship did not work out.
english.316dejanr,
Jethro was the most bashful boy in the neighbourhood, so his
mother was astonished when he told her he was going a-courting.
He spent an hour getting ready and left with a strange look in
his eye, but he was back within half an hour.
"Well," his mother ased, "how did it go?"
"Fine." said Jethro.
"Did you see her?"
"I certainly did." he chuckled. "And if I hadn't ducked down
behind the hedge, she'd have seen me too."
english.317dejanr,
These are two recent Letterman Top Ten's that I thought were amusing. Sorry
if the rush of events renders them obsolete before anyone sees them.
Top Ten Things Overheard at the Baker Aziz Meeting
(Late Night With David Letterman - 1/08/91)
10. It's Garfield. He's very popular in our county. He'll
stick to your windshield.
9. What the hell is Buddy Ryan doing here.
8. So if we get out by Friday, we get the subscription to
Sports Illustrated -- and the football phone?
7. Is somebody frying baloney?
6. Is Saddam as funny in real life as he seems on TV?
5. I'm sorry, Mr. Aziz, I cannot explain Norm Crosby.
4. Yahtzee!
3. Are those Bugle Boy Jeans?
2. Cut the crap, camel boy, or the 101st Airborne drops down
your chimney and feeds you your own socks!
1. Mr. Gotti says get out of Kuwait now.
Top Ten Things Saddam Hussein has to do Before January 15
(Late Night With David Letterman - 1/10/91)
10. Call Jacoby & Mayers about will.
9. Get the best damn ear plugs money can buy.
8. Try the McRibs (they're for a limited time only).
7. Week of appearances on "The Match Game".
6. Take some time to stop and smell the camels.
5. Get the Bat Signal to work.
4. RSVP "no" to wedding invitation from Stacy Ellis & Michael
Tierney of Duluth, Minnesota.
3. Take the New York City cab drivers test.
2. Shower.
1. Fill out post office change of address card for hell.
--------------------
First THE BIG APPLE - NEW YORK!
NOW
BAGHDAD - THE BIG MUSHROOM!!!!!!!
english.318dejanr,
It has been reported that now that Marion Barry is out of office
as DC mayor, he is considering a position at UDC as a professor
of criminal justice.
So my friend John, who had a knee operation a couple years ago,
figures that he might be able to get a job teaching orthopedic surgery.
english.319dejanr,
A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing about which was the
oldest profession.
"Eve was created from Adam's rib, and that was a surgical procedure, so
medicine is the oldest profession," said the doctor.
"But before that God created order from chaos, so engineering came
first..." argued the engineer.
"Yah, but who do you think created all of the chaos in the first place?"
interjected the lawyer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A girl went to the gynecologist. All during the exam the gynecologist
was dying to know why the girl had a big "Y" on her chest. Finally he said,
"I can't help but wonder why you have this big "Y" on you chest.
"Well, my boyfriend goes to Yale and last night we were screwing and
he had on his school sweatshirt..."
The next day a girl came in for an exam who had a big "H" on her chest.
"Why do you have a big "H" on your chest?" the gynecologist asked her.
"Well, my boyfriend goes to Harvard and last night we were screwing and
he had on his school sweatshirt..."
The next day a girl came in for an exam with a big "M" on her chest. "Oh
your boyfriend must go to the University of Michigan," remarked the doctor.
"No, my girlfriend goes to the University of Wisconsin."
english.320dejanr,
What do you get whe you cross a pitbull and Lassie ?
A pitbull who rips off your balls, then goes for help.
What do you do when your neighbor's pitbull starts humping your leg?
Fake an orgasm
english.321dejanr,
This was so funny I had to post it. If anyone sees any updates, please
let me know.
ezraerb@athena.mit.edu
Enjoy the following pictorial treatise on Cows.
Subject: THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO COWS -- November '89 Edition
Date: 1 Dec 89 06:15:07 GMT
Organization: Princeton University, NJ
Disclaimer: Author bears full responsibility for contents of this article
--==>> THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO COWS <<==--
as you've NEVER seen them before!
________________________
(__) / \ * OFFICIAL EDITION *
(oo) ( November 1989 Version! )
/-------\/ --'\________________________/ * WORLDWIDE DISTRIBUTION *
/ | ||
* ||----|| Edited by Eric W. Tilenius
~~ ~~ Please send your submissions to:
Cow ewtileni@pucc.Princeton.EDU // ewtileni@pucc.BITNET
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(__) (__) (__) (__)
(oo) (oo) (oo) (oo)
/-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/
/ | || / | || / | || / | ||
* ||----|| * ||W---|| * ||w---|| * ||V---||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
Cow Cow laden Same cow Nancy Reagan-type
with milk after milking cow with milk
(___) (___) * (___) (___)
(o o) (o o) \ (o o) (o o)
/-------\ / /-------\ / \-------\ / /-------\ /
/ | ||O / | ||O | ||O / | ~#>-+|O
* ||,---|| * ||@\--|| ||,---|| * ||,----|
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~
Bull Same bull after Rotc bull after Red-blooded American Bull
seeing above cow seeing other bull shooting the Rotc bull
(__) (__) (__) (__)
(oo) (oo) (oo) (oo)
/-------\/-* /-------\/ /-------\/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
/ | || \ )*)(\/* / * / | ||
* ||----|| * \ |||/)|/()( ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
\/|(/)(/\/(,,/ \)|(/\/|)(/\
Cow munching Grass munching Cow in water Cow in trouble
on grass on cow
(__) (__) * (__) * (__)
(oo) (oo) \ (oo) | (oo)
/--------\/ /-oooooo-\/ \-------\/ \-------\/
* o| || * ooooooooo o o| || / ||
||----|| ooooooooooooo ||----||>==/-----||
ooo~~ ~~ ooooooooooooooooo ~~ ~~ ~~
Cow taking Cow in deep Cow getting the shit
a shit shit kicked out of her
(__)
(oo) U
/-------\/ /---V
/ | || * |--| .
* ||----||
~~ ~~
Cow at 1 meter. Cow at 100 meters. Cow at 10,000 meters.
(__) )__( vv vv
(oo) (oo) ||----|| *
/-------\/ *-------\/ || | /
/ | || / | || /\-------/
* ||----|| / ||----|| (oo)
~~ ~~ vv vv (~~)
American Cow Polish Cow Australian Cow
(__) (__) (__)
(oo) ____ (oo) _---_(oo)
/-------\/ /- --\/ /- -\/
/ | || / | || /| ||
* ||----|| * ||___-|| * ||___-||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
Freshman Cow at Freshman Cow Freshman Cow
start of school After the "Freshman 15" After the "Freshman 20"
(__) (__) (__)
(OO) (@@) (xx)
/-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/
/ | || / | || / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
Cow who drank Jolt Cow who ate Cow who used Jolt to wash
psychadelic mushrooms down psychadelic mushrooms
/\ __
/ \ ||
(__) (__) \ / (_||_)
SooS (oo) \/ (oo)
/------S\/S /-------\/ /S /-------\/
/ | || / | || / S / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----||___/ S * ||----||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
This cow belonged Ben Franklin owned Abe Lincoln's
to George Washington this cow cow
(__)
* (__) (oo)
\ (oo) /------\/
\-------\/ /| |/ |
| ==$ || / | [) ||
||----|| * ||----||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
Old "One Arm" belonged This cow was given to
to Ceasar's Palace Hugh Hefner for his Birthday
(___) (__) (__)
( O ) (oo) (oo)
/-------\ / \/--------\/
/ | ||V | |
* ||----|| ||------||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
The cyclops that Jason and This cow lived with
the Argonauts met had this cow Dr. Doolittle
(__) (__)
[##] (@o)
/-------\/ /-------\/ /------- (__)
/ | || / | || / | || (oo)
* ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----|---\/
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~
This cow belonged This cow lived with This cow belonged to
to Flash Gordon the Little Rascals the Headless Horseman
(____) (____) (____)
(oo ) (o o) ( O O)
/-----------\ / /-----\ /---- /-----------\ /
/ || | \/ / | | \/ | / || | \/
/ || |||| \ | | | | | / || ||||
* ||||-----|||| *| | |-----| | | * ||||-----||||
/\/\ /\/\ /\ /\ /\ /\ ~~~~ ~~~~
This cow belonged This was Salvatore No one was sure whether
to Pablo Picasso Dali's favorite cow M.C. Escher's cow had four
legs or eight
O__O \_|_/
(oo) (oo)
/-------\/ /-------\/
/ | || / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
Cow at Disneyland Cow visiting the Statue of Liberty
(__) (__)
~~ (oo) (--)
~~~~ /-------\/ /-\/-\
~~~~~ / | || /| |\
~~~~~ * ||----|| ~ | | ~
~~~~~~~~ ====~~====~~==== | |
~~~~~~~~~~~~/ /----\
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ / \ \
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~ * ~
Cow Hanging Ten at Malibu Cow sunning at Fort Lauderdale
(What a bod, huh guys?)
)\ (__)
/ \ (oo)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cow swimming at Amityville
(Where Jaws was filmed, for those less educated)
* (__)
\ (DD)
\ /-------\/
|\ / | ||_\_/
\ | \ (__) * ||----|
\\|| \(oo) ~~ ~
\||\ \\/ Cow chugging brews and staring at
~~ \|| sunbathers at Fort Lauderdale
\\ ||
\\||
\||
~~ / / / / / / / / / / /
\\_ / / / / / / / / / / / /
\_ / / / / / _______ / /
Cow skiing a Black Diamond at Aspen / / / / | \ / /
/ / / (__)| / /
/ / / (oo)| / /
( @@@ ) /-------\/ |
( @@ ) (------------) / | ||~_|
@@ (__) ( *>COUGH<* ) * ||----|
@@ (oo) . . . ( *>COUGH<* ) ~~ ~
/--UU--\/ (____________)
/ | || Cow sheltering from English Weather
* ||---||
(New) Jersey Cow
O O O O
\ \ / /
\ \ (__) /
(__) \ \ (xx)/
(DD) \ +--------+\//
/-------\/ \| | /
/ | || +--------+
* ||----||
~~ ~~
Cow fantasizing about "Riding the Mechanical Bull"
at Gillies in Texas
o o
|__| (__) (__)
(oo) (oo) =(oo)= oo
/-------\/ /-------vv /-------\/
/ | || / | || / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
bill bixby bela lugosi boris karloff claude rains
male relative cow cow cow
cow
x
xxxx|xxxx
xxxxxxx|xxxxxxx
|
//
(__) // (__) (__)
(oo)// (oo)===(oo)
/-------\// /-------\/ \/-------\
/ | |// / | || || | \
* ||----| * ||----|| ||----|| *
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
Julie Andrews Cow Siamese cows
o o (__) ~
\ / (oo) /
\ / _____\/___/
(__) \__/ / /\ / /
(oo) _______(oo) ~ / * /
/---------\/ /| ___ \/ / ___/
/ | x=a(b)|| / | { }|| *----/\
* ||------|| * ||{___}|| / \
~~ ~~ ||-----|| / /
~~ ~~ ~ ~
Mathematical Television This cow does Disco
Cow Cow (That's what comes of
(developer of (Cow-thode snorting cow-caine)
cow-culus) Ray Tube)
o
| [---]
| |
| | |------========|
/----|---|\ | **** |=======|
/___/___\___\ o | **** |=======|
| | ___| |==============|
| | ___ {(__)} |==============|
\-----------/ []( )={(oo)} |==============|
\ \ / / /---===--{ \/ } |
----------------- / | NASA |==== |
| | * ||------||-----~
----------------- || | |
/ / \ \ ~~ ~ |
/ ---- \
~~ ~~ This cow jumped over the Moon
(__)
([][]) "I have this recurring dream
__\/_--U about golden arches.".. (__)
/\ \__ ~ :..("")
/\\\ / / //\ ____\_____\/ //
/----~/__/\ /\ // \\/ \___ / //
\\\____/--\-- // /-/__________/ //
/====== \/ =======/==============//
*_/ / \ /~ // / \\
/ \ ~ // \\
Psycowlogist and patient
(___)
\~~~~~~~~\ (__) (o o)
\~~~~~~~~\\ (oo) \ /
*-----\_______\/\/ \--O--/
~_______/ --- \______~ // -----\
~--------\ \S/ /\_____~ \\/_~{} /==V===[]
\______/ \_____\\//
\__/
It's a bird... //\\ The Boss
It's a plane... // \\ (Bruce Holstien)
// //
~~ ~~
==================
_____________________________ H H
| |-------------| H (__) H
| | ________ | H (oo) H __
| COWNTY | | (|__|) | | H / \/ \ H / \
| JAIL | | |oo| | | H | | | | H | STOP |
| | |__|\/|__| | H D===b=----- H \ __ /
| | o | H~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~H ||
| | ~ | H H ||
| | ] | H H ||
| | | H H ||
|_____________|_____________| H H ||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Some cows get in trouble... Cattle Guard
( ( )
( ( ) )
( ( )
( / )
( ( \\ )
( | // )
| | (__)
| | (oo) (__)
| | ----\/ ______(oo)_____
| | || ( _)_______(__) )
**| | ---|| \ __________/
``'---------~~
Cow Hide Cow Pie
\ | / ___________
____________ \ \_# / | ___ | _________
| | \ #/ | | | | | = = = = |
| | | | | \\# | |`v'| | | |
| | \# // | --- ___ | | | || | |
| | | | | #_// | | | | | |
| | \\ #_/_______ | | | | | | || | |
| | | | | \\# /_____/ \ | --- | | |
| | \# |+ ++| | | |~~~~~~| | | | || | |
| | \# |+ ++| | | |~~~~~~| | | | || | |
~~| (~~~~~) |~~~~~#~| H |_ |~| | |||| | |~~~~~~| |
| ( ||| ) | # ~~~~~~ | | |||| | | | ||||||| |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~________/ /_____ | | |||| | | | ||||||| |
`v'- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | ||||||| |
|| |`. (__) (__) ( )
(oo) (oo) /---V
/-------\/ \/ --------\ * | |
/ | || ||_______| \
* ||W---|| || || *
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
"Cow Town"
\ (__) (__)
\\(oo) (\/)
/-----\\\/ /-------\/
/ | (##) / | ||
* ||----||" * ||----||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
This cow plays bagpipes. Cow from Beijing
(__) (__) (__)
(\/) ($$) (**)
/-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/
/ | 666 || / |=====|| / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
Satanic cow This cow is a Yuppie Cow in love
(__) (__)
(oo) (oo)
/-'''''-\/ /-------------------\/
/ |'''''|| / | ||
* ||''''|| * ||----------------||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
Cow in Argyle Stretch Cow
*
** **
* ** * * * **
* / / \ * *
\ \ / \ / / (__)
* / / \ \ (__) \ \ /--------(00)
/ (00) / / / | |( )
\ /-------\/ \ \ * ||---- ||()
/ / | || / / || ||
\ \ * ||----|| \ \ ~~ ~~
/ / ~~ ~~ / / Cow Chewing Marbles
Cow in Heat
(___)
(o o)
/------\ / (__) (__)
/ ____O (oo) (oo)
| / /----\----\/ /-------\/
/\oo===| / || / | ||
| || *||~-----|| * OO----OO
* ~~ ~~ ~~
Cowt in the Act low rider cow
(__) \__\ (__)
(oo) o (oo) (oo)
/-------\/ ____\___\/ *+-------\/
/ | || / | || ||______||
* ||----|| * ||----|| ||----||
OO OO OO OO OO OO
Detroit cow Mustang cow pickup cow
(__) (__) \_||_~
(oo) (oo) (*||*)
/---------------\/ /----\/ /-------\||/
/ | || / || / | ||
* ||------------|| *-||----|| * ||----||
OO OO OO OO OO }{
li-moo-cow fastback cow teenager's cow
____
(____)
.xxxx.
(__) '(oo)`
(oo) /-----'-\/ `
/-------\/ / | |============>
/ | || * ||----| (~)
* ||----|| ~~ ~
~~ ~~ Moo-ammar Cowdafi
holy cow armed and dangerous
(___) (___)
(o o) (o o)
/-------\ / /-------\ /
/ | ||O / | O~ ||O
* ||,---|| * ||,---||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
A Bull A-bomb-in-a-bull No-bull
(---)
( )
/-----\ (___)
| | (o o)
| | | (-----) \ /
| | | / / \ O
| * | * | O |
~~ ~~ -----
Coward Phone Bull
__________________________
}__{ / Send YOUR cow pictures to \
(00) ( ewtileni@pucc.Princeton.EDU )
:****** \/ ==='\___________________________/'
: # ##
##****##
"" ""
| | | | *
| | (__) | | \ (__)
| | (oo) | | \ (oo)
| | /-------\/ | | -----------\/--
| | / | || | | ----| |---
| | * ||----|| | | --------
| \______~~____~~___ | \_________________
| _________________ | _________________
| / | /
| | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| | | |
/ \ / \
Cow perched on a tree. Cow attempting to fly off tree.
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
| \_________________
| _________________
| /
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
| | (__)
| | *---------(..)
/ \ ~~----~~\/
Cow that has failed miserably in the attempt.
. /\ . . : (__)
. / \ . . : (xx)
/ \ . . * : __------\/
/ \ * : * ||____||
| (__) | . . ** : / | |\
. /| (oo) |\ ** :
/ | /\/\ | \ . . * : Hamburger
. / |=|==|=| \ . * :
. / | | | | \ . :
/ USA | ~||~ |NASA \ . : * (__)
|______| ~~ |______| . : \ (oo)
. (__||__) . . : \-------\/
. /_\ /_\ . . . : 8-| ||
!!! !!! : ||----||
: ~~ ~~
The cow that jumped over the moon. : Flying Cow
...---...
../ / | \ \..
./ / / | \ \ \.
/ / / | \ \ \
/ / / | \ \ \
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /(__)
\|/ (oo)
/---++--\/
/ | || ||
* ||-++-||
~~ ~~
Cow surviving attack by Red Baron
..---.. (__)
/ \ (oo)
| RIP | /-------\/
| | / | ||
| | * ||----||
| | ~~ ~~
| |
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////
Elvis's Cow... ...Or is it alive and living in tax exile???
(__)
(oo)
/---+ +--\/
/ | | | ||
* ||-+ +-||
~~ ~~ *
David Copperfield's Cow David Copperfield's other Cow
(__)
(oo)
/-------\/
/ | ||
* ||----||
~~ ~~
(__) (__)
(oo) (oo)
/-------\/ \/-------\
/ | || -~~- || | \
* ||---- -~~- || *
~~ ~~
(__) (__)
(oo) (oo)
/-------\/ \/-------\
/ | || || | \
* ||----|| ||----|| *
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
Barnum's Troupe of performing cows
(__) _--------_
(oo) |__________| BIG
/-------\/ XXXXXXXXXX MAC
/ | 007 || __________
* ||----|| |_ _|
~~ ~~ --------
Cow licenced to kill Enemy Cow after having met previous cow
(__)
(oo)
/'~~~-m
(__) / '' ` )
(oo) o /| /|/|_ | /|
/ \/ / / _ / | | | |
/ _\===~ ___\_____/___ |_____|_|
___|__/ |/\ (___________(_) //|| ||
* ~ ~ * ww ww
Mrs. O'Leary's Cow Cow'nt Dracula
____ ____ |+++++|
|++++| ___ |++++| ____ |+++++|
|++++| |++ ______________________ |++++| |+++++|
|++++| |++/ /( )\ \ |++++| |+++++| __
| | |+| |-oo- | \______ |++++| |+++++| |++|
-----(__)--| \__\/ _(__)_ \ ----------------------------------
o ( oo /_______________________| (oo) \ | __
| _/\_| | M O O - B U S T E R S|__\/\ /| | /oo| - Bleaurgh!
|-| \\____ ------ )_ /| /\
-|_ \_|-_|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 0 _| * \/ *
\ | __________________________________/
| W| \ \_/ /----------------- \ \_/ /
/ /\ \ \___/ \___/
/ / \ \
~~~ ~~~ Who you gonna call...?
(__) (__) (__) (----------)
(00) (-o) (--) . . . ( *>YAWN<* )
/------\/ /------\/ /------\/ (----------)
/| || /| || /| ||
* ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----||
Cow w/ Glasses Flirtatious cow (winking) Cow after pulling an all-nighter
* (__) (__) (__) (__)
\ (oo) (oo) (oo) (oo)
\-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/
/| |\ / / \ / \ / / \ \
//||----||\\ * //------\\ * \\--// * \\----\\
~ ~~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Cow walking Cow jogging Same cow Cow breaking
(__)
(oo) (__) o * (__)
\/ (oo)/ " | (oo)
____| \____ /-------\/(__ o=o=o=|------\/
---/ --** / | / | |
*____/ |___// * ||----|| ||----||
//--------/ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
//__ Cow Cow pooing
Cow marching standing
Side Front Side back (___) Where's all the bulls!
(__) (__) (__) (__) (O O)/
( oo (oo) oo ) ( ) ~ _/\ /\_ ~
/\_| /\/\ |_/\ / \ \\/ O \//
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(___)
( OO
\_ | - Got some cows that aren't in here? Add yours to the official
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Thanks to EVERYONE who contributed COWS!
PLEASE DISTRIBUTE THIS FILE WIDELY -- IT IS *NOT* COPYRIGHTED.
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* ||----|| 609-734-7677 // ewtileni@pucc.Princeton.EDU
english.322dejanr,
There were these three sons that were to inherit a large tract of land
in Nebraska for the purpose of raising cattle. These three sons couldn't
decide on what to call this new 'ranch' of theirs.
After debating, the brains came up with the name 'Focal Point Ranch'.
The others asked 'WHAT? Why the Focal Point Ranch?'
'Because,' said the brainy one, 'that's where the sons raise meat'.
exit stage left.
--
Absolutely no disclaimers apply. We use CICS at work.
english.323dejanr,
Here is the next tale lifted from a Chicago Trib. story about the International
Save the Pun Foundation. You may subscribe to "The Pundit" for $20 the year,
from the I.S.t.P.F. at Box 5040, Sta. A, Toronto, Canada M5W 1N4. The tale is
heavily rewritten to end-run copyright complaints.
Enjoy.
"Bum" Bill Flaherty made a pretty good living duplicating Government documents
-- the green kind. He owned an average house, which he deliberately allowed
to acquire a rather seedy appearance. The lawn was messily maintained; the
living room, visible through the picture window, was cheaply furnished with a
small black and white TV, a second hand couch and a large rug that looked about
fifth-hand. The room needed painting.
The rest of the house, with all windows curtained, was tastefully and
expensively furnished. About two-thirds of the basement was finished off into
guest and family rooms. A door concealed behind a shallow cupboard led to the
rest of the basement, which was BumBill's "workshop".
The family cars (one middle-aged Chevy and a thorough rattletrap of an old Ford
pickup) looked like something the city should condemn, but under the hoods they
were superbly maintained. BumBill was accomplished in his field, and well
understood the need for a "low profile". His friends assumed that Bill was
eccentric (well...he was) and simply concerned with avoiding break-ins. Bill
nurtured this tale, but his main concerns were the IRS and the Department of
the Treasury.
BumBill's wife, Maureen, had sat down and designed a complete "makeover" of the
kitchen. Bill looked over her drawings, made a few suggestions (most of which
Maureen vetoed) and took the papers to a few contractors he knew to solicit
estimates. Bill let the contractors know (Oh, so gracefully!) that he would be
willing to pay cash, no receipts and no questions asked, for work well done,
and not discussed. Wanting things done as competently as possible, Bill sought
the _highest_ bidder.
The work took about three weeks, since old, eccentric Bill Flaherty insisted on
the materials being brought in at night, and the workers had to park a block or
so away, and come to the house one at a time. Still, they were well paid, so a
little eccentricity was to be tolerated.
The last day of work, it was the contractor himself who walked with Maureen and
Bill around the room, pleased with their exclamations of delight and
satisfaction. As they were getting ready to wrap things up, the contractor
noticed that one of the shorter kitchen counters wobbled a bit on its frame
support. From his pocket he removed a Leatherman Tool and a Swiss Army Knife,
and with these two do-it-alls, he removed and refitted the countertop properly.
Even more pleased, Bill asked Maureen to pour the gentleman a drink while Bill
went and got the last of his payment.
No one saw BumBill get the money, but we may safely assume that he went to the
basement and entered a certain hidden room....
After the contractor left, Maureen asked Bill, "Did you pay him with some of
your funny money?"
"Certainly," replied Bill. "After all, he's a very good counter fitter."
"More to come,"
english.324dejanr,
Two young men were joined at the waist as Siamese Twins. They had lived
in Chicago for several years, when they suddenly moved to London. "Why
did they move after all these years?...
So the other one could drive!
english.325dejanr,
> Q. How do you know when you're having a bad day?
> A. You find your Tampax behind your ear and you
> can't remember what you did with your pencil.
And along the same lines . . .
"Doctor, why are you trying to write with a rectal thermometer ?"
"Damn. Some bum's got my pen."
What's the difference between a urologist and a thorn on a rosebush?
one pricks your finger...
english.326dejanr,
Source: Passed to me by a colleague at the University of Idaho
Did you hear the one about the day Oral Roberts, Jerry Falwell and Robert
Schuler were driving to a big "tent meeting" together? Unfortunately,
they were involved in a terrible accident and all three were killed.
As you might expect they all ascended into heaven and came to standing in
front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted them and welcomed them to
heaven. Then he started to hem and haw around and finally explained that
they hadn't any advance notice of this situation and so weren't quite
prepared for three so illustrious and holy men. He explained how all
three of them qualified for the very finest accomodations heaven had to
offer including very large and splendid mansions, but they weren't quite
ready so would they mind waiting a few days?
They replied that they wouldn't mind waiting, but were they just going
to have to stand there for several days? St. Peter said no, he
believed he could arrange temporary quarters for them in Hell. Sometimes
Satan was willing to help out in emergencies, whereupon he placed a call
to Brother Satan and made the arrangements. They descended into Hell.
Noon on the fourth day after their descent St. Peter gets a frantic
phone call from the Devil demanding that he remove these three guys from
hell immediately. St. Peter couldn't believe his ears and asked what
could possibly be wrong with these three upstanding people.
The Devil replied, "They are ruining my place down here. In less than
four days Jerry Falwell has saved everybody, Oral Roberts has healed
everybody, and Robert Schuler has raised enough money to air condition
the whole damn place!!"
english.327dejanr,
As told by a friend of mine (Steve):
Q:What do you call the area between the vagina and the anus?
A: A chinrest!!!
english.328dejanr,
A friend of mine told me how some guy came up to him to ask for directions.
The guy asked "Do you know how to get to Town Hall?" to which my friend
responded "Yeah. Practice." Then he turned and walked away.
If an explanation for this is needed, Sydney Town Hall hosts occasional
Eisteddfods and it has a very large pipe organ and small concert type events
are held there but the guy was probably looking for it because it's the
central landmark in the city.
Anyway, we thought it was hilarious. I've got another example of unexpected
answers to common questions but I've forgotten it. It post it when I remember.
If you have any, please post them.
english.329dejanr,
In article <3937@lectroid.sw.stratus.com>, mm@lectroid.sw.stratus.com (Mike
Mahler) says:
>
> People are STILL telling this joke (by the way it
> was originally an elephant and a frog in the bathtub
> and the frog asks the elephant for soap)?
>
>
That's not the way I heard it. If I remember right, it went something
like:
Two penguins were at the South Pole and decided to visit the North
Pole. They couldn't agree upon which direction to go, so the first went
one way and the second went the opposite direction.
After many weeks of traveling, the first penguin could finally see
the North Pole off in the distance. But to his surprise, the other penguin
was coming up fast from the other side. Not wanting to get beaten, the
first penguin made a mad dash for the North Pole; and just as he touched
it he yelled out, "Radio!".
But I guess your version(s) of the joke is somewhat cleaner because of
the soap.
english.330dejanr,
How about the famous Sherlock Holmes case involving the great Czechoslovakian
art thief who, when cornered in the museum, hid in an old suit of armor?
Unfortunately, Holmes knew that the Czech was in the mail.
english.331dejanr,
Mr. Doogie asks an astrologer : "Hey guy, tell me more about my future ?"
The astrologer asks him the usual stuff : birth date, birth sign, etc. and
then looks at his hand and replies : "Well, for the next ten years, you'll
have all sorts of problems : financial, social, professional, etc."
Mr. Doogie, disappointed, but with hopes for changing times, continues :
"So what after the next ten years ?"
The astrologer replies : "Well, you'll get used to it."
english.332dejanr,
Last summer I went to my parents house (located in rural farm
country) to visit and pal around with some old high school buddies.
One such buddy has done quite well for himself and he decided to take me for
a spin in his new porsche.
Before taking it out of town for a spin (South Dakota roads are GREAT for
testing Porsche's. No turns. No cops...) we needed some petrol. Pulled up to
the pump and my friend immediatly struck up a conversation with the farmer
filling his moped. Mostly they talked about porches` being more valuable
than mopeds or something on those lines, but any way, soon we were back on
the road.
Well here we were, cruising down the interstate, heading out of town when all
of a sudden
WWWWWWOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH!
That farmer and his moped flew passed us. Then, before the startled looks
could leave our faces
ZZZZZOOOOOOOOM!
He was behind us again. Wow. We had never seen the likes of this before.
And on a moped even. Well, we decided, "If it`s a race he wants, a race
he`ll get" and promptly stepped on it. But then, before the needle could
reach 85:
WWWWWWWWOWOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH!
ke a streak of shit. We could barely make out his moped in the blurr that
shot by. Again, though, we did not have time to speak before:
ZZOOM!
He was instanteously behind us. My friend was fed up. He KNEW he could out
run a moped so this time he accelerated unabated. But once more:
WWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSHHH!
That farmer and his moped were impossibly infront of us then, just as
quickly:
ZOOM!
Behind us again.
We were flabergasted. How a moped could obtain such phenomenal results had
to be in the tank so we pulled off to ask him what kind of fuel he was
running. As the car stopped and my friend rooled down his window the farmer
pulled up and said, "<pant-pant-wheeze> Thanks <pant> for stopping. <more
panting> <more wheezing> my suspenders were caught in your door!"
Jim "so what if you've heard it before" Kirby
jkirby@ub.d.umn.edu
"Traveling there was really boring so I headed for the ditch. It
was a rough ride but I met more interesting people there."
-- Neil Young
english.333dejanr,
"Hi. You know, I may be the president, but when I travel
to other countries, I don't always have the luxury of
controlling the economy like I do at home with my fellow
businessmen. That's why I carry the American Oppress Card.
It lets me influence entire markets without all those
rules and regulations.
And, it lets me dominate foreign leaders without the messy
hassle of a coup d'etat.
But best of all,
<Uh, don't worry about the revolution, Jose', we'll protect you.>
it lets me be who I want to be.
So when it comes to foreign policy, you need something on
your side. The American Oppress Card: Don't leave the U.S.
without it."
english.334dejanr,
This mother is worried because her 4-year old son is in the bathroom
for over an hour and is still having his bath. So she peeps in and
sees that he is violently brushing & scrubbing his crotch with a lot of soap
The whole pelvic area is covered with lather. Surprised , she asks:
mom: Son what in the world are you doing??
son: Oh , I am taking good care of "it" mom , 'cause sister is already
having a cavity!!!!
Ha!
english.335dejanr,
I've thought this over quite a bit this past week, and I can't understand
why the Powers that Be are taking so much trouble to discourage/prevent any
terrorist acts at the SuperBowl game.
If an unusually competent terrorist were to achieve a close to 100% kill on
the fans at the SB, the immediate result should be a measurable rise in the
average IQ of the country. This we're afraid of?
If said hypothetical terrorists also got the teams, that should almost triple
the national increase.
I suppose there are drawbacks, though...for several months, there would be a
marked decrease in beer consumption and pinball playing. We don't need that
when we've got a bit of a recession going. Also, it occurrs to me that the
Congress of the United States probably doesn't _want_ to risk a rise in the
average intelligence of their constituents -- those folks want to _stay_ in
office.
What do you think?
english.336dejanr,
> I heard this one on the radio:
> It seems the Texas National Guard was called up and sent to the Gulf,
> but the Mexicans told 'em to go back home.
>
Well, actually it's:
JOKE> The Belgian wanted to help in the Gulf war too, but the mexicans
sent them away.
QUEST> But why?
ANSW> Because they'd sent icebreakers.
QUEST> But what did they do then?
ANSW> they found the correct Gulf, and sent 2 submarines with parachutists
QUEST> And what will happen next?
ANSW> They'll declare war on the Dutch in 20 years
QUEST> Why?
ANSW> That's when they understand our jokes about them.
QUEST> But what then?
ANSW> Five years later they'll sign a peace agreement with France.
QUEST> Huh?
ANSW> Yeah, that's when they find out where Holland is.
For non-europeans, the Dutch are always making jokes about the Belgian.
--Ralph Moonen
rmoonen@hvlpa.att.com
english.337dejanr,
I heard this one on the radio:
It seems the Texas National Guard was called up and sent to the Gulf,
but the Mexicans told 'em to go back home.
(For the humor/geography impaired: Gulf (of Mexico), rather than (Persian))
english.338dejanr,
Ok, here's one that I hope hasn't been posted here more than
13675 times:
There's this *very* shy young man who, after weeks of hinting by
his girlfriend, builds up enough courage to have sex with her. So
like any responsible youth, he goes to the nearest supermarket to
buy some condoms.
Well, he goes up to counter on the 1st floor, and asks in a very
low voice:
"Excuse me, do you sell condoms here?"
The salesperson gives him a knowing smile, and says:
"Let me check..." and shouts to another guy:
"HEY JOE, DO WE HAVE ANY CONDOMS HERE? THIS GUY WANTS SOME..."
Of course the guy was very embarassed, since people started
staring and snickering... And Joe answers:
"NO MAN, THEY ARE ON THE SECOND FLOOR..."
So the guy sets off to the second floor. Again he approaches the
salesperson and asks in a low voice for condoms...And according
to Murphy's Law on Public Embarassment, the guy starts shouting
to the other salespersons:
"YO, WE GOT ANY CONDOMS 'ERE?"
"NO, THE RUBBERS ARE UP ON THE THIRD FLOOR..."
Well, the guy sets off to the third floor, followed by a small
interested crowd... Needless to say, this carries on all the
way up to the top floor..Finally, slightly exhausted in his
search for the almighty rubbers and more than a slightly peeved,
and of course followed by a large crowd, he approaches the
salesperson:
"Do you sell condoms here?..."
"Yes sir, here you are," and hands him a packet.
The guy relieved, pays for them and on turning around, finds himself
facing the expectant crowd and says:
"And for those of you who haven't heard, I'm getting laid tonight..."
Hope it was worth the time spent reading it...
Oh, and Hi! to Dinos if he is watching...
Simos Hadjiyiannis
"...It's lonely in the field, that we send our fighters to wander,
they leave with minds of steel, it's their training solution,
we've programmed the way, it leads us to order, there's no turning back,
a surgical strike, we've tought them not to feel... "
english.339dejanr,
(For those out of state, CalTrans is the Ca. Dept. of Transportation (the
road work guys). And I'm sorry if this has been posted b4.)
Did you hear that half of CalTrans is being laid off?
They finally invented a shovel that will stand up by itself.
english.340dejanr,
OFFICIAL BUSINESS OBFUSCATION
A CONSULTANT: Any ordinary guy with a briefcase more than 50 miles
from home.
AN EXPERT: A person who avoids all small errors as he sweeps toward
the grand fallacy.
A STATISTICIAN: One who draws a mathematically precise line from an
unwanted assumption to a foregone conclusion.
A COLLEAGUE: Someone being called in a the last minute to share the blame.
A RELIABLE SOURCE: The guy you just met.
AN INFORMED SOURCE: The guy who *told* the guy you just met.
AN UNIMPEACHABLE SOURCE: The guy who started the rumor originally.
A MMETING: A mass-mulling of masterminds.
A CONFERENCE: A place where conversation is substituted for the
dreariness of labor and the loneliness of thought.
A PROGRAM: Any assignment that can't be completed by one phone call.
CHANNELS: The guy who has a desk between two expeditors.
TO ACTIVATE: To make copies and add more names to the memo.
TO EXPEDITE: To confound confusion with commotion
TO IMPLEMENT A PROGRAM: Hire more people and expand the office.
TO RESEARCH: Go looking for the jerk who moved the files.
TO GIVE SOMEONE THE PICTURE: To present a long, confused, and inaccurate
statement to a newcomer.
TO CLARIFY: To fill in the background with so many details that the
foreground goes underground.
english.341dejanr,
Greetings.
A little background:
1) Westinghouse has several plants near/in Pittsburgh. Most
notably, they have a nuclear testing facility...
2) Carnegie Mellon University does work for NASA and maybe
even DoD. They certainly are at work on the Mars "rover".
Anyways, a year or so ago, a new kind of poster begun
appearing on telephone poles and such. All it said was:
"Westinghouse makes nuclear weapons."
Well, after a few months of this, a new sigh started
apperaing, in conjunction with the above. It was always
place above it. Now the whole thing reads:
"CMU designs nuclear weapons,
Westinghouse makes nuclear weapons."
[sly grin]
Take care.
OBJ: I once had the pleasure (?) of repairing a "Made in Taiwan" PC board.
This was one of those single-sided boards (only one side had copper
traces). Most manufacturers put some kind of company name on the
unused side. It is comparable to the imprints made in paper by paper
cmpanies. These guys had the word "SLUT" as their name. I was in
tears... ;-)
(If I remember correctly, it was from an early arcade game. I think
it was a generic ping-pong game... remember those? :-)
english.342dejanr,
A DAY OFF
So you want the day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 days per year
in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 days available
for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work you have used
up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day
on coffee break that accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days
available. With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another
46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2
days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for
work. We are off for 5 olidays per year, so your available working time is
down to 1 days. We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which
leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be DAMNED if you're going to
take that day off!!
english.343dejanr,
> Never will a man fight as hard,
> as when he is fighting to proove
> his love to the Woman of his heart.
>
> Sead Omerov
Actually I prefer Rufus T. Firefly's version:
Margaret Dumont: "Rufus, what are you doing?"
Groucho Marx: "I'm defending your honor, which is more than you ever did!"
Quote from memory, not exact.
Senor Coyote
english.344dejanr,
Why do elephants paint their balls red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
Giraffes eating cherries.
"Iraq you like a hurricane" / bryan@tahoe.unr.edu (Bryan Wolf)
english.345dejanr,
From: avg@hq.demos.su (Vadim Antonov)
^^
> Organization: DEMOS, Moscow, USSR
^^^^
>
> A.J.C.Blyth@newcastle.ac.uk (A J C Blyth) writes:
>
> >Here is a small joke.
> >Q: What does Saddam Hussein and George Bush have in common.
> >A: They both want to rule the world.
>
> What's about Gorby? <no smiley>
>
> Vadim
Welcome to rec.humor Vadim, I couldnt ever dream of the fact
that this newsgroup was readable even in USSR.
english.346dejanr,
Once again, sorry if this has been posted recently -- I'm new here.
One night 3 vampires were out on the town, and decided to stop into the local
bar to get a drink. The bartender was new there, and was determined to get the
order right. So he asked the first vampire, "What would you like tonight??"
The vampire replied, "I'm rather thirsty, so I'd like a glass of blood."
The bartender then asked the second vampire what he'd like. The second vampire
replied, "I'm really thirsty also. That glass of blood really sounds good."
The bartender then asked the third vampire what he wanted. The third vampire
replied, "I'm not all that thirsty, I'll just have some plasma."
Wanting to be absolutely sure that he had the order correct, the bartender
said,
"So that will be 2 bloods and a blood-light?"
LAF
english.347dejanr,
Q: How many Hockey Players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but they get three credits for it.
Scott V.
Alaska
english.348dejanr,
Thought you netters out there might want to see this...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Memo of the Month," From The Washington Monthly, January/February
1991, page 24:
"This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM
Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us
find it rather funny.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
"Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to
operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse
balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
"Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer
of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method.
Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are
not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in
sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may
be used immediately.
"It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing
his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
"To re-order, specify one of the following:
"P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
"P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
And they say the Mac is a bucket of shit... Well the IBM is a barrel of
mouse droppings...
Simos Hadjiyiannis
"...I am your antichrist, show me allegiance (are you following me?)
I am your antichrist, pledge to me defiance (are you following me?)
Suffer my pretty warriors, suffer my fallen child,
The time has come to conquer and I'll provide your end...
We march...
"
english.349dejanr,
How do you know when an aggie's been using the computer?
You see white out on the screen.
What kind of cars do aggies think that police cars are?
Porsches, because there is 911 on the side of them.
Did ya hear about the farmer???
He was out standing in his field!
english.350dejanr,
Gulf Joke
Saddam Hussein and George Bush talking in a bar,
Saddam :- Our forces will wipe the floor with the Allies, our war technology
is much more advanced than yours.
Bush :- Rubbish the allies have much better weaponry, look at what has been
achieved so far, pinpoint bombing, cruise missiles with a range of
hundreds of miles.
Saddam :- Look I will prove to you that our technology is greater.
He shouts to an aid who comes back with a lack box.
Saddam :- Here mister president put your hand in this and press the button.
Bush looks in the box and sees a red button, at first he refuses to
entertain the idea, but eventually he puts his hand in and presses the
button, he takes his hand out and finds that he has lost 3 of his
fingers.
Saddam :- Don't panic now put your hand back in and press the button again.
So Bush puts his hand in again and presses the button, sure enough
his fingers have returned.
To counteract this President Bush calls to his aid who also turns up
with a box, but this one red.
Bush :- Ok. look at this for technology, put your hand in the box and press
the button.
So Saddam puts his hand in the box and presses the button.
Bush :- Now take your hand out.
Saddam :- That is not very good, my hand and all my fingers are still there.
Bush :- Yes, but Baghdad isn't !!!
english.351dejanr,
The bassist in Marillion used to be a TV engineer. One of their
favourite games was to open up the TV and reverse the connections to the
deflection coils, so the picture would appear upside-down. Then they'd
turn the TV upside down. The next guest would see the TV upside-down,
and turn it the right way up. When they turned it on, they just got
confused...
-<* Please don't write to me about the technical details! It's a joke! *>-
Sorry to write this but the last two jokes I posted were met with
1) advice that pressing ^Q would cure a ^S sent to the terminal
(which doesn't work here - ^Q cures a ^S pressed on the keyboard, but a
^S has to be sent _to_ the terminal to cure a ^Q, which I can't send
because the terminal is locked)
2) mail bringing the existance of Minicoms to my attention. I knew, thanks.
english.352dejanr,
>Did you ever have anyone ask you "Where's the "any" key?"?
A few years ago, we taught people how to program in BASIC. (No, that isn't
the joke! :-) One man had a habit of typing a line, then asking "Now what
do I do?". The answer was always "Now you press RETURN".
Eventually, I thought he had figured it out for himself, until one day he said
"I've typed in the program, and I've typed 'RUN', and nothing's happening".
I replied "Have you pressed RETURN?".
"Oh, _that's_ what's wrong", he said. Amazingly enough, the program worked.
(I never did figure out how he managed to type in the whole program, and then
forget to press RETURN after typing "RUN".)
Then there was a printer I was asked to fix. The problem, as described, was
that it would go through all the motions of printing (head moves, sound of
needles, etc.) but nothing would appear on the paper. First move was to
try to hook it up to a computer and see for myself what happened. I noticed
the ink ribbon was out of place, fitted it properly - and thought "It can't
be that simple. They can't have been that stupid".
It was. They had.
Ob. Gulf comment: Apparently the Tomahawk cruise missiles fly along streets.
They must have some way of knowing which way to turn. I'm waiting to see
some system similar to their guidance system fitted into cars, so that the
car will find its own way to wherever you're going - you need never get lost
again. Of course, there is the slight problem that the car will probably
crash into the wall of your destination.
"Keyboard? How quaint!" - M. Scott
english.353dejanr,
dmcgrego@cs.strath.ac.uk (D. James McGregor) writes:
>Very good! How about:
>Q: How do you get 30 Iraqis in a telephone box?
>A: Tell them it's not theirs.
<WARNING, some people might be offended by some of these. This
is not intentional - this is merely a pastiche of images
presented in the media, and does not represent mine, or anyone
elses, views or beliefs.>
Lets not be anti-Iraqi, huh? What about...
Q: How do you get 30 Israelis into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's air-tight
Q: How do you get 30 Americans into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's got oil in it
Q: How do you get 30 French into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's not in Iraq
Q: How do you get 30 Europeans into a telephone box?
A: Tell them there's no fighting involved
Q: How do you get 30 British politicians in a telephone box?
A: Tell them there are votes in it
Q: How do you get 30 Brits into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's safer than a Tornado
Q: How do you get 30 British MI5 men into a telephone box?
A: Tell them an Iraqi lives there
Q: How do you get 30 British-resident Iraqis into a telephone box?
A: Tell the MI5 men it's Pentonville Prison
Q: How do you get 30 Russians into a telephone box?
A: Tell them there's a slice of bread in it
Q: How do you get 30 peace protesters into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's the American Embassy
Q: How do you get 30 Turks into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's not an airbase, honest
Q: How do you get 30 Kuwaitis into a telephone box?
A: Tell them there's an Iraqi coming
Q: How do you get 30 Iranians into a telephone box?
A: Tell them to do it in the sacred name of Allah
Q: How do you get 30 American Generals into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's a target of the Allied bombers
Q: How do you get 30 reporters into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's in Baghdad
Q: How do you get 30 Palestinians into a telephone box?
A: Tell them if they do, you'll liberate the Occupied Territories
Q: How do you get 30 telephone company engineers into a telephone box?
A: You must be joking! You can't even get ONE in a telephone box...
Q: How do you get 30 students into a telephone box?
A: Make the other 70 homeless
-Mike Mars
english.354dejanr,
A man with laryngitis tried many times to talk to his doctor, but
after repeated phone calls could not get in touch. Desperate, he
decided to go over to his doctor's house.
The doctor's wife answered the door and the man said to her, "Hi. Is
the doctor home?"
The wife whispered back, "No he's not. Come on in!"
english.355dejanr,
Two single woman got together for lunch one day to catch up
on things. The first lady asks "How did your date go with
that musician? What instrument does he play?"
The second lady responds "Oh, John? He plays the French Horn.
It went okay. He's nice and handsome, but..."
"But what?" the first lady wants to know.
"Every time he kissed me, he stuck his fist up my ass."
english.356dejanr,
The message about the Bear vs. Tank incident reminded me of something that
happened a few years back. I don't remember the name or call-letters/numbers
of the machine in question, but there was an anti-aircraft gun that the
government stopped production on after spending just over a billion dollars
on it. It was designed to shoot down helicopters, and hence was programmed to
target rotating blades. During a test of the tageting system, it ignored all
of its intended targets, and zeroed in on a nearby bathroom exhaust fan.
While the technicians attempted to abort the firing sequence, that wing of
the building was quickly evacuated.
english.357dejanr,
Back in the early 80's, I was the only systems programmer supporting a
VM system, and I carried a beeper. I looked disreputable, as usual,
and was attending a movie (Poltergeist) when, just before the climax,
my beeper went off. I held it to my ear, and couldn't understand the
message, so I went out to call the message center (and never saw the
end of the movie).
The thing that stuck in my mind, though, was the woman two rows behind
me who turned to her friend and said, in a loud, obnoxious voice,
"Him, he's a doctor?"
It is almost ten years later, and I again carry a beeper, and I still
go to movies. I dread being beeped out of a movie, though. I can
imagine the loud obnoxious voice from two rows back saying, "Him, he's
a drug dealer?"
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Do not use "looking.uucp" or just "looking."
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
english.358dejanr,
[I received this today from John Greiner (John.Greiner@GS2.SP.CS.CMU.EDU)]
Rising D.C. Pizza Index indicates war
WASHINGTON - The pizza index indicates military action is imminent in
the gulf, a Domino's delivery official said today.
Record numbers of late-night pizza deliveries have been made to the
White House, Pentagon and State Department, said Frank Meeks, owner of
several Washington-area Domino's outlets. Similar patterns came
immediately before the invasions of Panama and Grenada, he said.
The record for late-night deliveries to CIA headquarters came the
night before Iraq invaded Kuwait last August, Meeks said.
(from our local newspaper, who got it "from
Star-Bulletin news services")
english.359dejanr,
This was taken from the Gwinnett Daily News on 11/26/90:
A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was
going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you weren't!" the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned toward the waindow and said, 'Officer, I
should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Do not use "looking.uucp" or just "looking."
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
english.360dejanr,
Does anyone know what 'Saddam' spelled backwards is???
MAD ASS <-- Not exactly, but it is the best pronounciation. :-)
-stevek
english.361dejanr,
I called back East and told my mother a joke that I saw on the
network, and her response was even funnier than the joke itself.
(Anyone who repeatedly and unsuccessfully tries to tell jokes to
someone who just doesn't get them should find this hysterical):
Reminder of how the jokes goes:
Question: What would you do if you got onto a bus full of gays?
Standard Answer: Get off. (hahaha)
Me: Mom, what would you do if you got onto a bus full of lesbians?
Mom: I don't know.
Me: Come on, what would you do?
Mom: Well, I wouldn't get off.
How's that for "over the head"?
english.362dejanr,
Since my existence has been so gloriously noted in this newsgroup lately, I
can't resist submitting these:
Q: What has blond hair, large breasts, and lives in Miami?
A: Saddam Hussein.
Q: How many alt.desert-shield readers it takes to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100 000, but it takes some time, because they insist building the new bulb
from the scratch: First, they take an Iraq-sized piece of glass...
This next one has nothing to do with Iraq, for a change, and it is
supposed to be true:
A reporter once interviewed Albert Schweitzer, a famous doctor, humanist
and organ player, in his hospital middle of an African jungle.
Reporter: What is your opinion about the western civilization, Dr. Schweitzer?
A.S.: I think that would be a very good idea.
english.363dejanr,
This item appeared in the Journal of Irreproducible Results in 1989,
submitted by Nathan Shalit. It originally appeared in The Sciences, May/June/
1988, by N.Y. Academy of Science.
Konrad Lorenz, the great animal behaviorist, was scrupulous about
cultivating fruitful confusion. Lorenz lived among his research subjects:
dozens of species of mammals, birds, reptiles, and fishes. He did not
quantify, control, or consciously experiment. He got to know each creature
individually, then threw them together, watching for the unexpected, the
unusual, or the bizarre in the chaos that followed. For example, his interest
in one of ethology's most important concepts, that of intention movements
(motions with meaning, such as the head bobbing in birds that serves as an
alarm signal before flight), derived from an inadvertent experiment. He had
trained a free-flying raven to eat raw meat from his hand and had been feeding
the bird for several hours one day. He would reach into his pants pocket and
take out a piece of meat, and the raven would swoop down to grab it in its
bill. By an by, Lorenz went to relieve himself near a hedge. When the raven
saw him put his hand into his pants and pull out another morsel of meat, it
swooped down, hungrily grasping the new mouthful in its bill. Lorenz howled
in pain. But the event left a deep impression on him--about how faithfully
animals respond to intention movements, that is.
english.364dejanr,
If you "pushed" a cat towards the "floor" in zero gravity, would it land on
its feet?
Why do a green vegetable and a black spice (pepper) have the same name?
-Scott
english.365dejanr,
A friend Jeff (You happy now, I credited you) said this by mistake:
Jordan seems to be caught between Iraq and a hard place.
Get it!!!!!!
english.366dejanr,
On a different, though related note:
A few years ago when I was a teaching assistant in electrical
engineering, a student asked me
"How do I calculate the impedance of this circuit?"
However, he pronounced "impedance" as "impotence."
english.367dejanr,
In article <9101291006.AA15890@pixel.oasis.icl.stc.co.uk>
jim@oasis.icl.stc.co.uk (Jim Cheetham) writes:
>Two Vampire bats are in their cave, and they both wake up early, before
Vampire jokes:
What did the two lesbian vampires say to each other in the morning?
See you in 28 days....
english.368dejanr,
>I do believe their names are Barbapapa (the big pink one), and Barbazoo *the
>little black hairy one with animal empathy). Don't ask me why I remember
this,
>though I think it has something to do with watching the fillers before Dr. Who
>came on TVOntari
Yeah, I used to have to watch that All the time (along with Polka Dot
door.) Can't say I miss it too much. They used to have those shows READA-
LONG and WRITE ON!... Pretty scary stuff...
english.369dejanr,
Saddam calls his cabinet to a meeting. His hand-picked men
lean forward in their chairs eagerly to catch whatever wisdom will
burst forth from the beloved Leader's lips.
"It is true, is it not," he begins, as various cabinet members
prepare to race to be first to approve, "that I, Saddam Hussein, am
indeed ...
" ... the worst political leader in the history of the world?"
His hearers are horrified. They may not contradict, for to
contradict is death. But to agree with such a statement? As a man
they turn to the aged mullah seated quietly near the end of the table.
In the silence, the venerable elder coughs, then speaks. "I
have heard," he says, "that the mirror presented you in your youth,
O sublime President, which hangs in the very next room, is indeed
the Speculum of the Ages, the mirror of Solomon which will answer all
questions. Why not pose the question to the mirror?"
"Very well, insh 'llah I shall return shortly with an answer.
Let none of you leave till I return!"
He departs ... and in a moment is back, looking sorely puzzled.
"Who," he demands, "is Wilson Goode?"
english.370dejanr,
I'm sorry about the typo, it should have been dual degree, but that article
was written at 1 or 2 in the morning.
What? oh thats right, now i have to right something funny.
How about another silly story about a braindead, idiotic user
who should be exterminated before they can reproduce.
Ok, so I'm kidding about extermination; besides sterilization
is just as effective and doesn't leave an ugly mess.
Alright the story {this actually happened} A lady asked for help
with her disk that couldnt be read.
The disks were badly bent and warped, which naturally
prompted me to ask why. She said typing the disk labels
individually was a hassle, so she stuck the label on the disk, and
ran THE WHOLE DISK through the typewriter. It was supposedly
hard to do, but she managed it.
No more spelling flames please, we are only human after all.
Data: Observation; I have committed an error in spelling.
Conclusion; I'M HUMAN! I'M HUMAN! After all these soul searching
episodes, I'M FINALLY HUMAN.
Besides, I'm an excellent speller. Ask my syster.
Don't make fun of your enemies, make fun of yourself. If you make
fun of yourself, your enemies won't have anything to laugh at.
JCS120 The Tinkster
english.371dejanr,
There are these two baby horses on a horse farm, Mike and Chuck. One
day they decide to have a race to see who the faster horse is. So
Mike and Chuck get ready to race - AND THEY'RE OFF...
It's Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Mike, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck,
Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck... around the old oak tree... it's
Mike, Chuck, Mike, Mike, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike,
Chuck, Mike, Chuck... AND CHUCK WINS!
So Mike says to Chuck, "I suppose you are the faster horse. Congradu-
lations, you win."
Both horses eventually grow up and are sold to different owners. About
a year later they meet up at the horse races. Mike is convinced he is
the faster horse of the two now, so he asks for another race. So Mike
and Chuck get ready to race - AND THEY'RE OFF...
It's Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Mike, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck,
Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck... around the bend... it's Mike, Mike,
Mike, Chuck, Mike, Mike, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike,
Chuck, Mike, Chuck... AND CHUCK WINS AGAIN!
So Mike says to Chuck once again, "I suppose you are still the faster
horse. Congradulations, you win again."
A few years later they meet up at a very large, prestiguge, horse race.
Mike has been working really hard and he hasn't lost a race in a long
time. He is convinced he can beat Chuck now, so he asks for another
race. So Mike and Chuck get ready to race - AND THEY'RE OFF...
It's Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Mike, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck,
Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck... around the bend... it's Mike, Mike
Mike, Chuck, Mike, Mike, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike,
Chuck, Mike, Chuck... AND CHUCK WINS AGAIN!
Now Mike is getting a little upset that he can't beat his old pal, but
he is a good sport about it and congradulates him just the same. Once
again, they go they're separate ways.
A year later they meet in the Kentucky Derby. Mike says to Chuck that
he will rest until they race again, because he knows that he can now
beat him. So Mike and Chuck get ready to race - AND THEY'RE OFF...
It's Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Mike, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck,
Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck... around the bend... it's Mike, Mike,
Mike, Chuck, Mike, Mike, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike,
Chuck, Mike, Chuck... AND CHUCK WINS AGAIN!!
Mike is getting very angry that he can't win against Chuck, but never-
the-less, he congradulates him.
Several years pass and Mike and Chuck are now old and retired and they
meet up at the "Old Horse's Farm." They recall old times and Mike
brings up the fact that he could never beat Chuck in a race. So Chuck
says, "I'll tell you what, old buddy, let's have one last race right
now. This time, though, I'll let you win! Will that make you happy?"
Mike says that this would make him very happy! So Mike and Chuck get
ready to race - AND THEY'RE OFF...
It's Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Mike, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck,
Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck... around the old oak tree... it's
Mike, Chuck, Mike, Mike, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike,
Chuck, Mike, Chuck... AND CHUCK WINS AGAIN!!!
Now Mike is really pissed! He starts screaming at Chuck, "YOU SAID
THAT YOU'D LET ME WIN THIS TIME! YOU LIED TO ME! I THOUGHT YOU WERE
MY FRIEND! ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS LET ME WIN THIS ONE RACE AND I
WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY IN MY OLD AGE!!!!"
And the pig that was watching the whole thing jumps in on Mike's side,
"I can't believe you did that, Chuck. That was a really rotten thing
to do to your old pal."
Mike and Chuck both look at the pig and Mike says to Chuck, "Look,
a talking pig."
english.372dejanr,
The following are old stories of stupid robbers:
----------------------------------------------------
A few years back, some poor fool decided to rob a bank on a Friday
afternoon. Stupid fellow that one. If he had looked across the street,
he would have realized that this bank was next to FBI headquarters, and
it was payday. Virtually every person in the bank was an agent! Needless
to say, this hapless fool got a quick lesson in law enforcement technique...
----------------------------------------------------
My cousin used to work for, er, qantel, and there were some boxes of
garbage sitting on the loading dock. You bet someone stole them, after all,
they were labled printer boxes and such!!
----------------------------------------------------
This reminds me of the stories which appeared in the press a few years
ago during a garbage strike in N.Y. Apparently, the cabbies started wrapping
up their garbage and putting it in the back of their cab. It was always gone
by the end of their shift.
----------------------------------------------------
In College Park, GA, a suburb of Atlanta, an armed man entered a La
Quinta hotel lobby with the intention of robbing the place. He pulled out
his gun and demanded money from the hotel clerk. The funny thing is that
the robber never noticed that there was a FULLY-UNIFORMED police officer
standing less than 15 feet away in the lobby. Not only that, but the hotel
security camera filmed the entire episode, including the arrest. The local
television stations showed the tape on the evening news.
----------------------------------------------------
The stupidest tricks I've heard of, though, are always bank robbers.
Like the guy who was caught walking back to the bank with a can of gas after
his car ran out of gas while he was in robbing the bank.
----------------------------------------------------
They managed to enter the place without setting off the alarm, but they
were unable to crack the safe by drilling holes in it or trying to hear the
tumblers fall. So they decided to blow the thing open. After a loud explosion
the safe was still locked tight, but the alarm had been set off. When they
got to the getaway car it wouldn't start. So they each ran off in a different
direction as the sirens approached. The police had no problem identifying
and apprehending them, though. One of them had left his wallet on the front
seat of the getaway car.
----------------------------------------------------
The other day, a South Carolina football player didn't want to be caught
with the goods, so he swallowed six rocks of crack.
He died a few hours later.
----------------------------------------------------
A mugger in NY city (about 1965) tried to mug (or rape) two women walking
through Central Park. It turned out they were roller derby queens, and they
walked on him with spike heels. I heard that he died later, but I'm not sure.
----------------------------------------------------
Two muggers in Albany NY (about 1970) tried to mug someone coming out
of a grocery store. He was walking his pit bull, using a funny black belt for a
leash.
----------------------------------------------------
Does anybody remember a few years back when two guys tried to hijack a
New York City subway train to Miami?
----------------------------------------------------
How about the bank robber in Champiagn IL. who robbed the bank one day
and return to the same bank the next day to deposit the money into his account
and even went to the same teller. Well the teller keep him busy while someone
called the police.
english.373dejanr,
Oh God, here we go again ...
% => user must run C- Shell.
$ => user must run Bourne-Shell
% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
% ar m God
ar: God does not exist
% "How would you rate Reagan's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
% \(-
(-: Command not found.
% sh
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
$ drink <bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found
$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create
english.374dejanr,
Scene: A VERY noisy party.
Person 1: Hi, great party, huh?
Person 2: What? (Remember it's very noisy)
1: Someone told me you have two PC's.
2: Ya, but the damn washroom is always busy.
1: I want a PS/2.
2: Fine, but you'll have to wait till I'm done.
1: Do you have a big hard disk?
2 (Suspiciously): Well, I guess, it's enough to get the job done.
1: You're lucky, I've only got a small floppy one.
2: I wouldn't worry. They tell me the size really doesn't matter.
1: Don't you believe it. Sure you can screw around with a few bytes,
but to do any serious business it needs to be large and reliable.
2: You sound like an expert.
1: Na, it's only common sense. If you're busy grinding away, and suddenly
your disk goes down, hell, man, you better be ready to get
backups and get going again.
2: You must rate pretty high with the broads.
1: Actually, no, at home I have only 300 baud and at the office 1200.
2: Com'on, who you trying to kid? Nobody's got 300 broads at home.
1: Ya, I know that's a pretty poor rate, but when I really want
to have some fun, I go to my friend's house. There I can
get 2 kilobaud.
2: (Walking off): Listen, buddy, you're either lying or sick,
so do me a favor and take it somewhere else.
1: (Shaking his head): Boy, I heard these micro-users were high-strung
but this is ridiculous.
english.375dejanr,
{ hi tad, the attribution is the headers. WHo his boss is I dont know }
From: BUNNY::"@RELAY.PRIME.COM:MAMIDON@FEDS4.PRIME.COM" 13-NOV-1990
11:01:42.6
7
Hi elboids! I'm back! I'll be preparing a trip report soon, but first
I thot I'd let y'all see this tid-bit I got from my boss:
____________________________________________________________________________
___ _____ ___
/ \ | | | | | | | | | / \
| | | |\ | |\ | | | | |
\___ | | | \ | | \ | |___ | | \___
\ | | | \ | | \ | | \ / \
| | | | \| | \| | \ /\ / |
\___/ \____/ | | | | |____ \/ \/ \___/
____________________________________________________________________________
November 8, 1990
YOU CAN'T FOOL 'EM DOWN ON THE FARM!
Real Americans talk About Why They Chose the Sun
SPARCstation 2000 (tm)
"Wow - with a workstation that powerful, I could get twice as
much milking done."
- Mrs. Elaine Noose, Scumwater, Oklahoma
"Out here on the farm, you really learn to appreciate the value
of good graphics resolution."
- Ted Lumplin, Brat's Head, Nebraska
"After we lost most of our cattle stock to pellegra, our barn
burned down. After that, Joe got himself caught in the thresher
and lost most of his body hair. Then the banks foreclosed. It
sure was a comfort to know that we had 28 MIPs of power to see us
through hard times."
- Darrell LaQuench, Pine Agony, Maine
"I believe that Virtual Quilting, using high-speed networking
services, will be the wave of the future."
- Mrs. Jane Dobrynin, Fleughh, Utah
"Last week we had a fella from Digital come out and look at the
soybean crop. After 20 minutes, Ma chased him off and threw his
keyboard out the window. We`re from old Norwegian stock, and we
know a thing or two about bus controllers."
- Buck Flange, Arkansas, Texas
Why has the SPARCstation 2000 caught the imagination of the Amer-
ican working man and working woman like no other computer in its
class? Maybe it's the extra features, like the padded Corinthean
leather screen, or the safety air bag that inflates when the
typing buffer gets too full. Maybe it's the tradition of honest
service and free doughnuts. Then again, maybe not.
Sun Microsystems. A Step Ahead of Your Cows.
english.376dejanr,
>From an old friend (who told me NEVER to use his name):
So there's Mac Beth looking over the parapet of the castle. To
his surprise Mac Duff and company have chopped down brush under
the cover of which they've snuck up to the foot of the castle,
fulfilling the prophesy of the three withches about Birnham Wood
coming to Dunsinane.
Sez Mac Beth: "Cheese it! The copse!"
english.377dejanr,
It seems there was this salesman who had to make a short business jaunt to
Boston. He'd heard about their reputation for good seafood, and planned
to try as much of it as possible.
Upon arriving at the airport, he found a taxi to take him into town. On the
way, he told the cabbie, "I want to get scrod while I'm here."
The cabbie looked at him in amazement. Finally, he commented, "Mister, over
the years I've heard people ask for sex a million times....but this is the
first time I've ever heard anyone use the pluperfect subjunctive."
Jean
english.378dejanr,
To the person who posted the long fortunes file: thanks a lot for
a bunch more neat quotes.
But the funniest thing to me was using a 50 line perl program, or
a 160 line C program, to do what I have done in awk in half an hour
with 4 lines of code. No doubt this is monstrously inefficient,
not 100% portable and horrifyingly inelegant, but it works and I
can keep my fortune file format real simple, to wit:
clever saying of no matter
how many lines
#
another clever saying
#
and so forth
No fiddling with line terminators ('\'s), numbers at the beginning of
each line (as some fortune programs I have seen), no limitations
on how many fortunes in the file, and so forth. Now I know
why new versions of software for my Mac double in size to add 10-15%
more functionality.
Disclaimer: This is not a sales pitch for awk, jsut for doing a job
the simplest way with the tools at hand. I know next to nothing
about programming, but I DO know every Unix system I have ever seen
has roughly the same awk on it.
Oh...here's the awk program (with minimal comments). Works on Ultrix and
some other Unixes, doesn't on AIX 3.1.
:
nfort=`awk 'BEGIN{RS="#"}END{print NR}' .fortunes`
a=`expr $$ % $nfort` <-- randomize (crudely) which fortune to pick
echo $a":"$nfort <- prints the number of the fortune that will be
printed, and the total number in the file
awk 'BEGIN{RS="#"}NR == NREC' NREC=$a .fortunes
english.379dejanr,
This guy from the city is putting in 60hrs a week, dealing with long
commutes through traffic every day and coming home to a dingy little
apartment in a bad neighborhood. He figures one day 'This sucks!
I'm gonna spend some time in the country duck hunting.' He really
needs to get away from it.
So the next week he's out there standing in the freezing water at
4am, waiting. A couple of days go by. He's pissed. No ducks in
sight so far.
Finally, after five days, the last day of his vacation, a flock of
ducks fly by. He giggles maniacly as he pumps rounds into the air.
They all fly by and he's about ready to turn the gun on himself.
Out of no where, a straggling duck flies by and this guy wings him
with his very last shot. The duck falls.
Slogging through the swamp, then through thickets and fields he
goes, looking for the freaking duck. He goes over a hill and comes
to a fence marking the edge of a farm. He looks around and sees
the duck, dead, on the roof of the barn. Carefully he climbs over
the fence and is stopped immediately by the owner of the farm.
He tells the farmer of the horror he went through for that duck on
the barn. Farmer says 'It fell on my land so its mine, that's the
way we do things in the country son.' The guy says 'I did all the
fucking work to get the thing so its MINE - THAT'S the way we look
at it in the city!' The farmer says 'Get off my land or I'll get
my boys to kick your ass off - that's the way we do things in
the country.' The guy can't believe it. He says 'I'm not leaving
without the duck and if you don't give it to me I'll get my
lawyer - that's the way we do things in the city.'
The farmer thinks about it and says 'There's another way to settle
this. Here in the country when we have a dispute like this, the
two guys take turns kicking each other in the balls. They do it
over and over and whoever's left standing wins the argument. I'll
go first.' The guy thinks about it and says 'You're on!' so the
farmer proceeds to land a solid one right in the guy's crotch.
The guy is bent over and heaving and writhing in pain - but still
standing. He gasps out 'Ok.....My....My Turn....' to which the
farmer replies 'Aw fuck it! You can have the duck!'
english.380dejanr,
> Okay people,
>
> I've got a name for you. (and this is TRUE)
> This would not be too bad unless......
> your parents gave you the first name of Ivan!
> But to top it all of.... just suppose this person
> was to become a minister in a denomination where
> ministers are called brother. Imagine introducing
> BROTHER IVAN ODOR. Just hope the other person
> doesn't say, "yes you do!"
>
> (laugh now)
>
> CCC
>
> Imagine being born into the Odor family.
Grady Nutt, the Southern Baptist preacher turned comedian,
told this same story some years ago. I recommend any of his
recorded material.
OBJOKE: A woman having an extramarital affair has her lover
in her apartment for any early afternoon session while her
husband is assumed to be at work. While sucking face and
peripheral activities are occuring, she hears her husband
raging down the hallway to their front door. She tells her
lover "Quick! Run and hide. If he catches you here, he'll
kill you!" So the man runs to hide moments before the husband
enters. The husband enters, realizes the man has hidden, and
proceeds to search through the entire apartment for the lover.
After looking in every concievable hiding place, the husband
goes to look on the balcony. On the balcony protruding out
beyond and below his own balcony, he sees a man in his underwear.
Convinced that this is the lover, the husband goes to his own
kitchen, picks up his refrigerator, takes it to the balcony and
drops it on the man below. About fifteen minutes later in heaven,
a man walks up to the Pearly Gates and asks St. Peter if he can
enter. St. Peter responds "First I need to know how you died."
"Well, I was on a balcony and someone dropped a refrigerator on
me." SP responds "Wait one minute please". Another man walks
up and also asks to go in. "How did you die?" asks SP. "I dropped
a refrigerator on someone, had a heart attack and died." SP tells
him to wait a moment too. A third man walks up to SP and again
asks to go in. SP again says "How did you die?" The man
says, "Well, I was in this refrigerator . . ."
english.381dejanr,
Here're a couple:
WHat do you call a gay Dinosaur...?
A: A megasoreass.
And.....:
There's this (bisexual) guy who works at a pickle factory. His job is at the
thing where the machine puts the lids on the jars of pickles. This machine
is right next to the pickle slicer.
EVERY day and night, this guy just FANTASIZES about the pickle slicer. He
cannot get it off his mind. It occupies all his thoughs, and he gets
excited every time he thinks about it.
Finally, one day, it gets to be too much, and he sticks his dick in it. His
boss just so happened to be walking by, sees him, and fires him.
So, the guy goes home dejected and all sad, and goes to his lover, "I got
fired today."
His gay lover gasps and walks up to him and takes off his pants.
"Well.... You're dick's fine. What happened to the pickle slicer...?"
"Oh, he got fired too."
Heh heh heh. I _slay_ myself.
english.382dejanr,
1. What's long and tubular and full of semen? (This joke must
be done orally.)
2. What does a dog do that a man steps into?
3. What's a four letter word that ends in "k" and means
intercourse?
4. What four letter word begins with "F", ends with "K", and
if you can't get one you have to use your hand?
5. What does a man have that gets bigger as you stroke it?
6. What's hard, long, has two nuts and can make a girl fat?
7. What part of a man's body enlarges to approximately three
times its normal size when excited?
8. What word starts with a "C", ends with a "T" and means
pussy?
9. What's wrinkled and smells like ginger?
Answers:
1. A submarine
2. pants
3. talk
4. fork
5. his ego
6. almond joy
7. pupils
8. cat
english.383dejanr,
What if on Valentine's day, all the computer screens used by
the Iraqi military all of a sudden, blanked out and printed the
line:
"cookie monster wants a cookie"
english.384dejanr,
Q: What do you call the ice that collects under cars in winter?
A1: Slush puppies
A2: Fender fungus
A3: Sandy And Dirty, Dangling And Messy, Horrible Utterly Sleazy
Slush, Execrable In Nastiness. (spells SADDAM HUSSEIN)
english.385dejanr,
January 1, 1991 - AULDLANXEITY (old lang zi' et ee) n. The experience of
waking up on New Year's Day with an awesome hangover and wondering how much
of a fool you made of yourself the night before.
January 2, 1991 - UHFAGE (uhf' aj) n. A unit of measure for determining a
television's age, that is, the amount of time it takes for the picture
to appear once the set has been turned on.
LOCKOBLANKO (lok' oh blan' ko) n. The trauma of returning to school from
Christmas vacation and being unable to remember one's locker combination.
FATFINETUNER (fat' fyn toon' ur) n. The nob at the top of the bathroom scale.
PIETROD (py' trod) n. The three legged plastic device in a pizza box that
prevents the cheese from sticking to the lid.
NOCTURNUGGETS (nok' ter nuh gitz) n. Deposits found in one's eye upon
awakening in the morning. Also called GOZZAGAREENA,
OPTIGOOK, EYEHOCKEY, etc.
CHECKUARY (chek' yew air ee) n. The thirteenth month of the year. Begins
New Year's Day and ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing
the OLD year on their check.
CAFFIDGET (ka fij' it) v. The act of breaking up a Styrofoam coffee cup
into several hundred pieces after consuming it's contents.
SHWEE (shwee) n. The sound made by the door opening and closing
on "Star Trek".
FORECASTROPHY (for kas' tro fee) n. The art of making those crazy little
symbols for weather maps on the 10:00 news (e.g., a giant
umbrella on the east coast signifying hail).
DESTINESIA (des tin ee' zha) n. The act of entering a room and forgetting why.
NOFLET (nahf' lit) n. The upward swirl of hair found on certain individuals
such as Ronald Reagan and Big Boy.
GANGLOOT (gan' glewt) n. The person who leaves all his ski passes on his
jacket just to impress people.
BLEEMUS (blee' mus) n. The disgusting film on the top of soups and cocoa
that have been sitting out too long.
GANTAGE (gant' aj) n. The property of being in the last stage of life
and almost as old as Mike Harris.
Also see the reference under "Alan Gant".
TWINCH (twinch) n. The movement a dog makes with its head when it hears a
high-pitched noise.
DIESELQUEASELITIS (dee' zel kwee zel eye' tus) - n. The distinct odor and
subsequent feeling one gets when following an
eighteen-wheeler, passenger bus or diesel powered
automobile down the highway.
BOWLIKINETICS (boh lih kih neh' tiks) - n. The act of trying to control a
released bowling ball by twisting one's body in the direction
one wants it to go.
TRAFFILAPSE (traf' ih laps) - n. The immeasurable amount of time between the
moment the traffic light changes and the jerk behind you starts
blowing his horn. Sometimes referred to as "A New York Minute".
GESUNDTIME (guh zoon' tym) - n. That agonizing moment between the detection of
an imminent sneeze and its actual execution.
FOODGITIVES (food' juh tivz) - n. The individual vegetables (or Tater Tots)
in a TV dinner tray that escape over the
wall into the Salisbury Steak Zone.
SNIGLETITIS (snig let i'tis) - n. The compulsive obsession of posting a
sniglet in messages everyday.
MAILVALANCH (Mail-va'-lanch) The massive amount of mail one has waiting
for them after a brief or extended absence from work.
MAILVALANCHAPHOBIA (Mail-va'-lanch-a-fobia) A fear of logging in in the
morning due to the probability of a mailvalanch.
MAILRECOIL (Mail-ri-koil) The act of receiving several answers to one's
mail while trying to answer the currently unanswered mail.
BIBBLAGE (bib' lij) - n. The angle of one's body while scanning the library
shelf.
english.386dejanr,
Edward Gorey is an illustrator. If you've ever seen the PBS "Mystery"
series, the opening animated sequence is his work. He has put out a
number of books, one of which I received as a Christmas gift, _Amphigorey_.
The Gashley Crumb Tinies is one of at least two alphabets he illustrated.
They appeal to an "unusual" sense of humor. I like to think of them as
a take-off of those old Puritanical books for children, where the basic
message was usually something like "eat your vegetables, or you will die
a horrible death."
He also put out _Amphigorey Two_ and _Amphigorey Also_. All three of the
books I mentioned are large collections of several smaller works. _Amphigorey_
is excellent, and I'm sure the others are just as good. Does anyone
have them? Any comments?
Joey
english.387dejanr,
Why have they started experimenting on lawyers instead of laboratory rats?
Three reasons.....
1. There are more lawyers than there are rats.
2. The scientists don't get emotionally involved with the lawyers.
3. There are some things a rat JUST WON'T DO!
english.388dejanr,
How about this one folks.
Three men die in an accident and go to heaven. They are met at the gates
by Saint Peter. "In heaven", says Peter, "you are rewarded according to the
lives you led on earth". He then asks the first man, "What kind of life did
you lead"? The first man confesses, "I had numerous affairs with many women".
"In that case", said Peter, "you get to drive a Mini in heaven". Suddenly a
Mini appears and the first man jumps in and drives away. Then the second man
is questioned. "What kind of life did you lead?", Peter asks. The man confesses
"I had one affair". "In that case", said Peter, "you get to drive a Porsche
in heaven". Suddenly a Porsche appears and the second man jumps in and drives
away happily. Peter then asks the third man "What kind of life did you lead"?
The third man says "I have had no affairs and I have been very faithful".
"In that case", said Peter, "you get to drive a Rolls Royce". Sure enough, a
roller suddenly appears and the third man jumps in and drives away.
Then one day, the third man is driving his Rolls Royce and overtakes his
wife on a skateboard!!
english.389dejanr,
Question: What do you call a mushroom that buys all the drinks?
Answer: A fun guy to be with.
Fun guy = Fungi, yes? Ohhh, please yerselves.....
english.390dejanr,
Recently, there was a keen and incisive piece on the differences between the
the pronouncements made by the Iraqi media, and the truth. With a sense of
humour honed to perfection, the author trenchantly, yet eloquently, laid
waste the claims of Saddam Hussain's propaganda machine.
However, recent reports by the press seem to indicate that the participants
in Operation Desert Storm have not let their imaginations rest. So, since
turnabout is fair play, what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander,
and the bathtub is still aglow with brightly coloured machine tools, let us
ponder the following ...
Statement : "We have completed over 10,000 missions last week", he remarked,
his visage suffused with the blush of modest pride.
Fact : Last week, 10,000 flights originated at our air bases. We have in-
cluded in this figure refueling flights, civilian flights, all deviant Delta
Airlines flights, pizza deliveries, and the all-important flights of fancy.
We are also, for the moment, including flights made by our personnel to the
"facilities", brought upon by consumption of spicy Arabic food. In this con-
text, in all fairness, we have not included the success rate of payloads
dropped.
Statement : "We have had an 80% success rate", said the general, with
resolute jaw thrust boldly upward.
Fact : In 80% of the missions we have undertaken, we have dropped our pay-
loads. In some cases, we have even, with stern resolve, hit targets. Howev-
er, we acknowledge that the carpet bombing of the Tibetan Dalai Lama HQ
represented an error in judgement, when one of our fine airmen mistook
altitude for latitude.
Statement : "We have flattened their nucular (sic) capabilities", said a
grim Chief, teeth clenched in an all too common display of grit
and lust.
Fact : We have bombed beyond recognition a factory that resembled the Three
Mile Island plant, with a clear sign in front that read "Primary Nuclear
Manufacturing Unit/Infant Formula Division, Allah be merciful !".
Statement : "Their communications system has been demolished", the spokesman
continued, "cutting off all contact within their armed forces".
A murmur of admiration filled the room.
Fact : The entire Iraqi 900- and 976- lines have been systematically dis-
rupted. We have re-wired the perennial favourite, the "Curse The Satanic
West" 900- number to the MTV request line, and are in the process of disman-
tling the toll-free lines that were earlier used by Saddam Hussain to order
armaments and chemicals for his war against Iran.
Statement : "The Republican Guards have being decimated", remarked the
Chairman Of The Joint Chiefs Of Staff In Command Of Allied
Forces Worldwide For The Shielding And Subsequent Storming Of
The Desert", his eyes a-twinkle with barely concealed
merriment.
Fact : We have impressed deeply upon the Iraqi elite Republican Guard troops
the need to convert to a metric system of measurement.
Have a nice day !
english.391dejanr,
On our Unix system I've made up a file called README
which just contains the following line:
README: not found
Lots of fun when people try to read it.
Charlie_Gibbs@mindlink.UUCP
"I'm cursed with hair from HELL!" -- Night Court
english.392dejanr,
(Hint: you might want to make sure there are no users on the system first.)
=============
make 'heads or tails of all this'
=============
man -kisses dog
=============
Try man 'your asshole'....
=============
$ sleep with me
sleep: bad character in argument
=============
make bottle.open
System response: Make: Don't know how to make bottle.open. Stop
make mistake
System response: Make: Don't know how to make mistake. Stop
Personally I think that our system is a sober ego-maniac that's still a virgin.
=============
>From csh, try this:
% \(-
(The response will have you wondering if csh has *any* sense of humor at
all...)
english.393dejanr,
Hi,
Someone wanted the "intelligent" replies give by computer on
UNIX. Reposted on request.
While using UNIX, try the following commands for results that can be
quite hilarious!
=============
>From csh, try this:
^What is saccharine?
=============
Try 'rm God'.
On most systems it says "rm: God nonexistent" - different
=============
% Unmatched ".
=============
Try "man woman".
=============
And, on system 5, there is always `Why did the Morris the cat starve when
locked in the 9-lives warehouse?'
cat "food in cans"
=============
Try "cat food".
=============
'Xcuse me. Should have read: Try "cat catfood". Much cuter this way.
=============
Typing "make sense" works, too.
=============
Using the ol' Bourne shell (sh) try this one:
drink < bottle
It should come back and say
bottle: cannot open
=============
How about "sleep with me"?
=============
Also try %make love
This will show the truth about those geeks who wrote unix...
=============
man: Why did you get a divorce?
=============
drink < bottle; opener
=============
Another fun category (only limited by your imagination 8-):
Try, using the Bourne sh (on a BSD system):
PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
=============
>It should come back and say
>
> bottle: cannot open
On a BSD system (still thirsty)
sccs what bottle
gives:
can't open bottle (26)
I admit it can become hard after such a number ;-).
=============
Try:
man ' automatic insertion'
or :
man rear
=============
It's always amusing to have junk files like 'food' or 'shit' lying
around in your $HOME directory. That way you can amaze all your friends
by typing
cat food
or
cat shit
=============
% sleep with me
bad character
%
=============
O.K. If you are logged in to a 3B2 as root, try
english.394dejanr,
> f88-som@nada.kth.se (Sead Omerov) writes:
> %
> %From: engrand%nepjt@ncsuvx.ncsu.edu (Philippe Engrand)
> %
> %> --> Y'a pas que le cul dans la vie ... Y'a les seins aussi ! (PhE) --<
> %> |------------------------------------------------------------------|
> %> | Y'a pas que le cul dans la vie ... Y'a les seins aussi ! (PhE) |
> %> |__________________________________________________________________|
> %
> %And what kinda rot is this ?
> %Has gotta be rotX, where X is some stupid random-number that
> %keeps changing from character to character coz i dont
> %understand a thing.
>
> Well Sead let me help you out.
> Vous le vous frog ?
> It translates as
> Frenchmen ! Please Don't eat the big white mints in the lavatory.
> :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
Alright then, lets see...
The only word used twice in both sentences in your clue is "vous" and "the".
It must then be that "vous" = "the",
that makes "le" = "Frenchmen ! Please dont eat".
Yea, that must be it.
But Philippe had two sentences in his .sig, that's a bit harder; lets see
what we can make out..... hmmmm......
OK, I got it now, it has got to be this:
Him: Why didnt you tell me you were a virgin ?
Her: Why didnt you wait until I got my tights off ?
Yup, thats it.
Heureka, its decoded.
Thanks Ed, we are an unbeatable team in decoding, you and me.
english.395dejanr,
MORE IRAQI J0KES
----------------
Q: How do you get 15 Iraqis into a matchbox?
A: Tell them it's not their's.
The Red D.j
english.396dejanr,
In the wake of news reports concerning "Civilian targets" being bombed -
There is a report that the Iraquii National Library was totally destroyed
by Allied bombings.
Both of Iraq's books were destroyed.
The worst part is, one wasn't even finished being colored in !
english.397dejanr,
What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk!
( A physicist's joke )
How much energy does a relativistic cockroach have?
I don't know, ask an experimentalist.
english.398dejanr,
There was a song I heard last summer that said:
The only good years we had were the ones on the car.
english.399dejanr,
As a pizza delivery guy for the past two years, (Godfather's Pizza)
I have come up with my ten pet peeves of delivering pies to the
Tallahasse area.
10. Sorority girls who sing and dance as I knock on the door.
9. Grandma Jones in the Caddy out for a Sunday drive.
8. Delivering sandwiches.
7. 5 orders to the downtown area during rush hour.
6. RAIN!!!!
5. Little 2 yr old who yanks on my belt loop saying:
"give me pizza......give me pizza" (TRI-DELT material)
4. Customer give me about 13 rolls of nickels for the order.
3. Hitting speed bumps at 40 mph and having lunch right off
the dashboard.
2. NO F*CKING TIPS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. The fat lady in a towel who bends over to get the quarter
that I dropped while admiring her mustache!
english.400dejanr,
< After a long day of skiing, 3 guys go up to their hotel room. They undress
< and go to sleep in a large king size bed together. The next morning, the
< two guys on the outside wake up saying, "Oh, my dick aches like hell...I
< wonder why??!?!?"
< The middle guy wakes up and says, "hey guys! I had an awesome dream that
< I was skiing down this great mountain!"
I have heard a much more colorful verison of that joke, but unfortunately
I don't have the time to post all the jokes I know. You beat me to it,
but for the next time around, I post the other version below:
Three guys go skiing together, one of whom is gay. It turns out that
there is only one hotel room available at the lodge, so they are forced to
room together. Worse than that, there is only *one* bed. But they have
no choice, so they take the room.
They lie down to go to sleep, the gay guy in the middle. When they
wake up the next morning, they asked each other politely whether they slept
okay. One of the straight guys reveals that he had a very erotic dream in
which a gorgeous woman was giving him a hand job.
"What a coincidence." says the other straight guy. "I had the same
dream!"
"Oh, my dream wasn't nearly as good," said the gay guy; "I was bombing
down the mountain and I lost my poles."
english.401dejanr,
What's the difference between one dollar and one mexican peso ?
ans: one dollar.
Philippe.
english.402dejanr,
Well, I asked for it; and I got it. I had over 100 pieces of mail concerning
this subject. I have finally gone through them all, although most were from
the "Canonical List of Sorority Girl Jokes" posted to rec.humor some time
ago. I hope I haven't left out any "single" joke. I have done the best I
could in going through all of the posts, and have come up with the best jokes
from all the lists. Many were similar...
Anyway, here they are, and I would appreciate anyone who has a single "joke"
to please send me a copy, and I will keep an up-to-date listing.
Thanks again for the huge number of responses!
T H E N E W A N D I M P R O V E D S O R O R I T Y G I R L J O K E
L I S T I N G
==========================================================================
[ NOTE: Please send revisions to: brando@uicsl.csl.uiuc.edu ]
What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.
Why does a sorority girl wear underwear?
To keep her ankles warm.
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
You could eat a bowling ball if you had to.
You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball.
How are a sorority girl and a bowling ball alike?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in
the gutter and they always come back for more.
What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers ?
Sorority girls cost less per score.
What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
About 40 lbs.
How do you equalize the two?
Feed the elephant.
What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
Introduce herself.
Walks home.
[Alternatively: Get on her Moped and drive home]
What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic?
Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.
How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
She drops her nail file.
What's a sorority girl's favorite wine?
"Daaadddy, I want to go to mi-ammmmi."
What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?
Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do...
Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
'Cause everyone gets a turn.
How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?
Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a twinkie on
the bed.
Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out once a week.
What do you call 100 sorority girls sun-bathing on a beach in Cuba?
Bay of Pigs.
What do you call a sorority girl hang-glider festival?
Multiple total eclipses.
What is a sorority girl's mating call...
"I'm soooo drunk, I'm sooooo drunk!"
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days.
What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
Nothing. There are some things a sorority girl won't do.
I don't know, but it sure enjoys screwing people.
I don't know, but when it sucks your cock, it does't stop until it
gets blood.
1) Tri Delts; I'm sure everyone else has.
2) If your date won't, Tri Delts.
3) Once you've tried everyone else, Tri Delts.
and
2) __________ __________
\ / /\ \ /
\ / / \ \ /
\ / / \ \ /
\ / / \ \ /
\/ /________\ \/
Tri Delts: Two out of three go down.
What do fraternity boys call hemorrhoids ?
Speed bumps.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a dog ?
Drivers will swerve to miss the dog.
How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daaaaddy.
4, one to change it and 3 to make tee-shirts.
7, one to change it and six to go out and buy Tab (or diet Coke).
65, 1 to do it and 64 to sing and clap.
One. She holds on to it and the world revolves around her.
Six. One to screw it in and five to make the T-shirts.
Ten. Nine to stand around scratching their heads, and one to
get her boyfriend to do it.
Why is a sorority girl like railroad tracks?
She's been laid all over the country.
What three words will a sorority girl never hear?
"Attention K-mart shoppers"
Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?
So she can fantasize about shopping.
What is a sorority girl's favorite sexual position?
Facing Bloomingdale's.
What's the difference between Jell-o and a sorority girl?
Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed?
The Dead Sea (Lake Placid is also OK).
How can you tell if a sorority girl's a nymphomaniac?
She'll make love the same day she has her hair done.
What's a sorority girl's idea of natural childbirth?
No makeup.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a barracuda?
Nail polish.
How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
Marry her.
Whats the difference between a sorority girl and a broom closet?
Only 2 men fit inside a broom closet at once
What's the difference between a telephone booth and a sorority girl?
You don't need a quarter for the sorority girl.
What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
A circus is a cunning array of stunts.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and garbage?
Garbage smells better.
Sorority girl attract more flies.
What' the difference between a sorority girl and a vacuum cleaner?
Nothing. They both suck.
You can buy a new vacuum when you get sick of it.
You can buy a new vacuum when it no longer sucks.
When a vacuum cleaner is full of sh*t, its easy to dump the old bag.
A vacuum cleaner can't suck a golf ball through a garden hose.
How do you get four sorority girls on one chair?
Tell them there's a rich guy sitting on it.
Turn the chair upside down and put one sorority girl on each leg.
What's the difference between a tribe of sly pygmies and a
sorority girl track team?
The tribe of sly pygmies is a bunch of cunning runts.
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a rooster?
In the morning a rooster says "cock-a-doodle-doo", while a
sorority girl says "any-cock'll-do"
What do you call 24 sorority girls walking down the street?
A case of Schlitz.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and parsely?
You don't eat parsely.
Why are a sorority girl and a tampon similar?
They are both stuck up cunts.
What does a frat boy say to a girl that refuses him?
"Have another beer."
What does the Bermuda Triangle and sorority girls have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
What does a sorority girl make for dinner?
Reservations.
Why does a sorority girl wear a gold diaphragm?
So her boyfriend will think is coming into money.
What does the sorority girl say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt.
What's the differenbce between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a sorority
girl?
A prostitute says, "Are you done yet?", a nymphomaniac says "You're done
already?", and a sorority girl says, "Beige....I think I'll paint the ceiling
beige."
What is foreplay for a sorority girl?
Thirty minutes of begging.
How does a sorority girl commit suicide?
She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
What's the difference between a parrot and a sorority girl?
You can teach a parrot to say NO.
english.403dejanr,
I wasn't sure where to put this one, but here goes.. A woman with huge breasts
was out for a walk when she was jumped by a man holding a gun. When he
motioned for her to take off her blouse, she warned him he'd regret it, but he
insisted. Next he made her take her bra off, and when a giant set of tits
popped into view he began to get incredibly excited. "Take your skirt off," he
demanded, ignoring her warnings that he leave off. So, off came the
skirt, and then the panties, revealing an equally huge pussy, green and slimy
and swarming with bugs. Shocked and repelled, he stepped back and dropped the
gun to the ground. Grabbing the gun, the woman pointed it at him, smiled
broadly, and commanded, "Eat Me."
-Cindy
english.404dejanr,
Baghdad Radio reports that Iraq's Scud missles have intercepted and
destroyed incoming Patriot missiles seven times. The Patriots were launched
from Israel and Saudi Arabia and never even made it to Iraq's borders before
they were destroyed. The advanced Iraqi early warning system has
permitted the intercepting Scud missle to be launched before
the Patriot missle it will destroy.
english.405dejanr,
I put this message on my machine during the baseball season. In the
background is the sound effect of a cheering crowd at a baseball game.
"We're back at Wrigley Field for this, the final game of the 1990 baseball
season. the Cubs and Mets are tied for first, whoever wins this game takes
home the National League Eastern Division championship. We're in the 9th
inning, Cubs trailing 2-1, but they have Shawon Dunston on third with two
outs. Coming up to bat now, here is BOB! (crowd cheers in background) This
has been a solid season for Bob, 26 home runs, 87 runs batted in. A base hit
now will tie it for the Cubs, while a home run will give them the
championship..
Bob digs in against Dwight Gooden. Gooden has been masterful today, striking
out 16, while only allowing 3 base hits. Here comes the pitch . . . AND
THERE'S A LONG DRIVE DEEP TO RIGHT! THAT COULD BE OUT OF HERE! DARRYL
STRAWBERRY RACES OVER AND MAKES A LEAPING CATCH AT THE WALL AND BOB IS OUT!!!!
Yes, Bob is out, but he'll be happy to return your call as soon as possible."
(BEEP)
Since I once worked in radio as a newscaster and DJ, I was able to do this so
that it sounded like an actual radio broadcast. The response to this
message, which ran a full 60 seconds, was interesting. Men loved it, and
passed my phone number around so that their buddies could call in and hear it.
Women, in general, didn't understand it, and left messages complaining that it
was too long, too loud, or didn't make any sense.
Bob
english.406dejanr,
I heard this from my brother, who is a Search and Rescue pilot at Canadian
Forces Base Bagotville, Quebec. It's an apocryphal story that allegedly
happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:
Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over <such-and-such> beacon".
Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! _I'm_ holding at 3000 over
that beacon!"
(brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."
english.407dejanr,
If you hear someone on TV say "scud," take a swig of beer and change
the channel except during scud attacks (see below).
If someone says "Patriot," everyone in the room must salute. The last
person to salute takes a shot.
If a scud attack is reported, everyone must hold their breath. The first
person to breathe must go to a sealed room while everyone else takes a shot.
That player remains in the room until the "all clear" is sounded.
If someone says "somewhere in eastern Saudi Arabia" everyone must shout
"Dhahran." The last person takes a shot and must forego the next "scud."
The same applies for shouting "Riyadh" upon hearing the phrase "a large
airbase in central Saudi Arabia." Anyone naming the wrong city must
also take a shot unless they shout "Taif" before they are called on the
error.
Whenever Wolf Blitzer appears on the screen, everyone must shout
"woof woof" and drink a wine spritzer.
A shot of Kahlua and coffee is kept on the table. Whenever the phrase
"ground war," "ground assault," or "ground attack" are used, the first
person to grab the shot gets it.
Every time Dan Rather says something stupid, all shout "change the
channel." The last person to do so takes a shot and is forced to watch CBS
on another TV until the next "scud." I realize that this one is a judgement
call, but the odds are that it won't be long before he says something
stupid anyway. Of course, if Sam Donaldson is on ABC, change the channel.
english.408dejanr,
From the people who brought you "Buckets of Blood 3"
yes, it's the......
N. I. H. E. Dublin Ireland
B.A. in COMMUNICATION STUDIES
Final year exam 1989
Time : 9 am till opening time.
Candidates must not write on more than two sides of the exam paper
Marks will be deducted for bad spelling and writing which is difficult
to read.
1. What language is spoken by French Canadians?
2. Give important characteristics of ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions or give
the
first names of the Osmonds.
3. What religion is the Pope? - Jewish, Catholic, Hindu, Anglican (ONE only).
4. Who won the Second World War? Who came second?
5. What is a silver dollar made of? Gold, Silver, polyvinylchloride (ONE
only).
6. Explain Le Chatelier's principal of dynamic equilibrium
force or spell your name in BLOCK capitals.
7. Approximately how many commandments were give to Moses?
8. There were six kings of Britan called George, the last one being called
George VI. Name the other five.
9. Who invented Stevenson's rocket?
10. Write down the numbers 1 to 10. (Marks will be deducted for every number
out of sequence.)
11. Dublin is the capital of which north-western European country?
12. Name the odd man out - Cardinal Heenan, The Pope, Archbishop of Canterbury,
Jack the ripper.
13. Who was the winning jockey in the All Ireland Greyhound Derby 1971?
14. Who built the Great Pyramid? - Rameses II, W.B. Yeats, Wimpey, Amey
Roadstone Corporation?(ONE only).
15. In the 1973 Sheepdog trials, how many were found guilty?
16. At what time is News at Ten? - 9 pm., 6 pm., Don't know.
17. Would you ask William Shakespeare to - Build a bridge, Sail the ocean,
Lead the army or WRITE A PLAY?
18. What holiday falls on January 1st? - Christmas, New Year, August Bank
holida, St. Patrick's Day?
19. Is a dunker a :
(a) person who dips biscuits in his/her tea?
(b) contraceptive?
(c) lorry for motorway construction?
(d) black person about seven foot tall and good at basketball
20. Do you understand Newtons law of gravity? Answer YES or NO
21 Arrange the following words into a logical statement:
BRAINS HAVE NO C.S.'S
22 What is 69 and 69 :- ( one answer only )
(i) 101
(ii) ten times your I.Q.
(iii) An NIHE party
(iv) All of the above five
23 Write a prose composition on each of the following:-
(i) The wide-ranging knowledge of c.s. students on computers.
(Maximum of two letters.Hint WS)
(ii) [From your employment possibilities]
The role of fast food franchises in the modern urban environment
(iii) My favourite Lecture ( you may not refer to the other two in your
answer )
(iv) What the restaraunt looks like
24 Approximately how many questions are on this paper (Answer to the nearest 00
if you can count that far)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*****
Courtesy of **** ****
*** LOONEY *** and the communictions
** TUNES **
* * Faculty at the NI of HE
** That's all ** (in particular the inventor of
*** folks *** sound units,Dr. Dessy Bell
**** **** { deci-bel } )
*****
copyright SPELLSINGER interactive literature plc.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
sent 17/11/1990
P.S:C.S stands for Communications Studies Students,possibly the dreariest lot
of wimpy students who ever passed through the portals of D.C.U
All comments &/or sly witticisms to IN%"87193256@dcu.ie".
From Chris Slattery at Dublin City University...Cowabunga dudes!
english.409dejanr,
Copyright (c) 1990 Patrick D. Scannell
Used by permission
"Software Engineering Process Archaeology, An Overview"
(Transcript of a lecture by Grant Money, D.S.A.)
(Doctor of Software Archaeology)
To trace the development of the Software Engineering Process, we
must begin in the late Pleurassic period (so named because the
air was very dense and it was hard to breathe.) It was during
this period that violent geological upheavals brought to the
earth's surface large deposits of silicon and germanium crystals,
and the first crude programs, barely more than undifferentiated
collections of single-bit organisms such as the primitive
kilobyte, crawled out of the sea and began to live and thrive on
silicon. More complex forms, such as structures and arrays,
began to evolve.
It was during the Ice Ages of the Fortybeloic period, however,
that programs began to thrive and multiply. Unlike the dinosaurs
who preferred a warmer climate, software produced its own heat
and operated better in a colder environment. However, in the
warmer Kerocene epoch which followed, the competition between
programs became more fierce, and the first carnivorous programs
such as viruses began to develop. Parasitic organisms such as
statistics gathering tools also evolved during this period.
During these periods, thousands of strains of primitive programs
evolved, thrived for a while, and died out. But it was not until
the advent of the customer that programs began to assume the
importance that they have today. The oldest known customer,
Pithecanthropurchaser, was discovered at Olduvai Gorge by Dr.
Louis B. Sneaky. Fossil remains and other evidence indicate that
the Pithecanthropurchaser whose remains Dr. Sneaky discovered
died while waiting for a customer service line to take him off
hold. (Of course, the average life span of the
Pithecanthropurchaser was only about 35 years, so this is not too
surprising.)
The next step in the evolution of software was the invention of
the requirements document. Until the requirements document,
programs were purchased without being expected to do anything
specific, or in some cases because they had done something
interesting and the purchaser hoped that they might do it again.
There was, however, no clear perception that a certain input
might result in a certain output. The first requirements
document is believed to have been a gift from aliens who carved
it on a large basalt block, as dramatized in the movie "2001."
The existence of requirement specs led purveyors of software to
experiment with interbreeding of programs in order to produce
desired characteristics. Gregor Mental, a monk, discovered that
certain characteristics (such as Help Key Support) were
recessive, but could be passed on to future generations of
software. Thus a program with both the recessive help function
and the dominant no help would not have help key support, but the
offspring of two such programs would have one chance in four of
having this characteristic. (What we would now call a feature.)
Meanwhile, the first steps toward a Software Engineering Process
Aggregation had been taken. The so-called "Midas" (or "Through
the Goose") model, popular during the Middle Ages and Early
Renaissance, looked like this:
FRONT VIEW SIDE VIEW
_______ __________________
/ \ | |
/\ ENG /\ | |
/ \ / \ Customer | |
/ \()/ \ =======| |=====
\ PLM ||MFG / Input | |
\ || / | |
\_||_/ |___________________|
As the diagram shows, this model allowed Engineering, PLM and
Manufacturing to go round and round in circles, while Customer
input went in one end and out the other without stopping.
The next model, used throughout most of the 20th century, was the
"Osmosis" model:
______________________________
CUSTOMER | | | |
INPUT -------->| PLM | R&D | Mfg |---> PRODUCT
|_________|_________|_________|
This model has the advantage, for the customer, that some of the
customer's requirements may, with some luck, filter through into
the product by a process similar to osmosis.
But what, we may ask, is the model of the '90s and beyond?
Predictions, of course, are dangerous, but many scientists now
believe that the "Osmosis" model will be replaced by the so-
called "Milli Vanilli" model (sometimes also referred to as the
"Tom Sawyer" model) in which the customers actually produce the
software themselves, and the producer sells it back to them at a
profit. Naturally, this model presents great challenges to the
marketing and sales organizations.
Thus, to summarize, we see that the development of software
engineering process has made considerable progress over the past
few eons, and yet in the end we must conclude that it still makes
very little sense.
Thank you. Good night.
english.410dejanr,
This idea was proposed by Cathy Foderaro (chf@Franz.COM), and it's been
elaborated on since the original proposal.
Y'know how the planes involved in the gulf war have nicknames (the best
of which is the "Wild Weasel")? Several of us were speculating about
David Letterman's Top Ten Rejected Airplane Nicknames. In no particular
order, we've come up with
10) the B-3 Near-sighted Sissyboy dive bomber
9) the SW252 Tree Sloth Sidewinder missile
8) the F-112 Fluffy Poodle vertical take-off jet
7) the M-113 Roadkill armored personel carrier
6) the F-117B Capybara Stealth fighter
5) the AK39 Turbo Q-Tip attack plane
4) the F-21 Emu jet fighter
3) the f-14 Nose-hair torpedo
2) the B-6 Rod McKuen Sonnet carrier bomber
And the number one answer...
1) the A-14 Screamin' Yugo recon-jet
Of course, the topic opens up a whole new realm of punning...
the TomCruise Missile
the SideSwiper Missile (guaranteed to never directly impact the target)
the Disintegrates Upon Dispatch or DUD missile
the new scuds on the block
the Ernest and Julio Gallo delayed detonation missile
(will not explode before its time)
But none of this can really match the humor inherent in the name
"Wolf Blitzer"...
english.411dejanr,
Here is a memory refresher for those who have taken the "Managing
Interpersonal Relationships" (MIR) course. If you haven't taken
the course yet, you can read these notes and won't have to! Any
similarity between characters or events in this posting and characters
(living or dead) or events in real life is purely (or puerilely)
coincidental.
Michael Schoonover (303) 229-3552
michael@hpfcla.hp.com Hewlett-Packard Co.
notes from
"MANGLING IMPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS"
Copious research has conclusively shown that there are exactly
two dimensions to human personality: self-control and evangelism.
THE SELF-CONTROL SCALE
The self-control scale denotes the degree to which a person maintains
control of his or her emotions. Humans are evenly distributed along
this scale with Spock at one end (although he is really half Vulcan) and
Sally Field at the other (see Figure 1).
Figure 1. Self-Control Scale
Self-Control
+---------------------------------------+
| |
Spock Sally Field
| |
Shows absolutely no Operates purely on
emotion whatsoever, unless emotion. Cries when
under the influence of mind- reading "The Family Circus"
altering drugs, such as pod or when nominated for an
spray. Oscar.
THE EVANGELISM SCALE
The evangelism scale denotes the degree to which a person forces his
or her opinions and beliefs on others. Like the self-control scale,
humans are evenly distributed on this scale, with Supreme Court
nominees on one end and Jimmy Swaggert at the other (see Figure 2).
Figure 2. Evangelism Scale
Evangelism
+---------------------------------------+
| |
Supreme Court Justice David Souter Swaggert
(before being nominated)
| |
Opinions could not Offers opinions freely
even be extricated and without provocation,
through Senate judicial often frothing at the
hearings. mouth and sweating
profusely.
WHERE ARE YOU ON THE SCALES?
Where each person falls on the self-control and evangelism scales is
genetically predetermined and can be calculated from a questionnaire of
20 or so questions that you give to five of your friends/coworkers.
This questionnaire was scientifically engineered and is backed up by
copious research, so regardless of who answers this questionnaire
(convenience store clerks, you mother, your worst enemies), your
location on the scales is always the same. Oh, there have been some
exceptions, but they were due to people getting confused when filling in
the dots on the questionnaire.
THE PERSONALITY QUADRANTS
Copious research has shown that there are four quadrants in which we
can stereotype human personalities (see Figure 3). This graph is
derived from the two personality scales, with Evangelism as the X axis
and Self-Control as the Y axis.
Figure 3. The Personality Quadrants
low E v a n g e l i s m high
(0) +--------------------------+--------------------------+(20)
| | |
| | |
| Anal-Retentives | Megalomaniacs |
| | |
| | |
S | | |
e | | |
l | | |
f | | |
- | | |
C +--------------------------+--------------------------+
o | | |
n | | |
t | Spineless Wimps | Psychotics |
r | | |
o | | |
l | | |
| | |
| | |
| | |
| | |
+--------------------------+--------------------------+
high
(20)
Once your location on the scales is determined, we can plot your
personality on a graph and pigeon-hole you for life! For example, if
your questionnaire shows 1 on the Self-Control scale and 1 on the
Evangelism scale, you would be classified as an Anal-Retentive, and
are probably enjoying these numbers immensely. If you scored 19 on
Self-Control and 19 on Evangelism, you are a Psychotic and are
probably throwing a tantrum at this moment. Of course, there is no
value judgement placed on any location in the quadrant: It's OK to be
a Spineless Wimp; it's OK to by Psychotic; it's OK to be where-ever
you are (although YOUR location is rather abnormal).
By definition, the personality type of a particular quadrant hates the
personality type in the opposite quadrant. So, ARs hate Psychotics and
vice versa; likewise for SWs and Megalomaniacs. Understanding the hatred
between these groups is the first step to building good teamwork!
The Anal-Retentive Quadrant (The Author's Quadrant!)
Characteristics: Good with numbers, likes to work with machines
more than humans, not fun at parties (unless everyone
else is AR also), lots of them are engineers.
Nicknames: Einstein, Good Engineer, Boring, The Computer
Favorite Phrase: I need more data.
Handles Conflict by: Playing video games.
Famous ARs: Carl Sagan, Ayn Rand
The Spineless Wimps Quadrant
Characteristics: Always friendly, always agreeable, make you feel good
until you turn your back on them, soft handshake, good
at organizing parties.
Nicknames: Ol' Reliable, Mr(s). Happy, Two-Faced Rat
Favorite Phrase: I agree.
Handles Conflict by: Giving in and then not inviting you to the next party.
Famous SWs: George Bush, Dan Quayle
The Megalomaniacs Quadrant
Characteristics: Cold, decisive, power-hungry, has delusions of
grandeur, lets you know where you stand (usually within
earshot of a crowd), dictatorial.
Nicknames: Idi Amin, The Dictator, The Robot, The Rotten Bastard
Favorite Phrase: You're wrong!
Handles Conflict by: Killing those who disagree.
Famous Ms: Saddam Heussin, Alexander Haig
The Psychotics Quadrant
Characteristics: Bubbly, bubbly, so-bubbly-you-want-to-strangle-them,
obnoxious, insecure, humorous, fun at parties
(especially when throwing a temper tantrum).
Nicknames: Barrel-O-Fun, The Clown, The Psycho
Favorite Phrase: I have a vision.
Handles Conflict by: Threatening to kill self and everyone else.
Famous Ps: Sam Kinnison, Sally Field
THE FLEXIBILITY SCALE
In addition to the four quadrants, there is another dimension to
personality (even though I said there were only two before). This other
dimension is flexibility, also known as schizophrenia. This scale
denotes how well can a person fake another personality type (see Figure 4).
Figure 4. The Flexibility Scale
+--------------+--------------+-----------------+----------------+
| | | | |
Catatonic Paranoid Split Personality Triphrenia Quadrophenia
| | | | |
Does not even Most people Manages to fake Three The ultimate
have a are here. an additional personalities! in flexibil-
personality. personality. ity. Can
fake all four
personality
types.
Although we can never change our basic location in the personality
quadrants, we can strive for and achieve greater flexibility! For
example, you may be merely paranoid now, but with a little work in this
course, you could become a split personality or even quadrophenic! The
key to flexibility is understanding the other personality types so that
you can quickly and easily pigeon-hole those around you and understand
what makes them tick. Once you know how to do this, you will find that
it is much easier to manipulate those around you!
SUMMARY
You now know everything you need to better mangle impersonal
relationships. Good luck! And remember: It's much easier to work
with people once you've stereotyped them.
english.412dejanr,
Our exalted PM is sitting at home one night when Mila is out of town for a
couple of days, and he is feeling abit randy. In order to resolve this
situation he decides to pay a visit to the local red-light district.
Walking to one particularly well-known area he comes up to a lady of the
evening and asks her how much it would cost him for an evening of pleasure.
"200 dollars", she replies, "plus 14 dollars GST".
Since he was not on an expense account he decides that this price is a
little high and continues walking. A short time later he spies another
young lady and approaches her with the same question.
"100 dollars", she replies, "plus 7 dollars GST".
Still a little out of his price range he continues walking. Finally he
comes upon another willing lady. He again poses the question to her. She
looks at him and asks, "Aren't you Brian Mulroney, the prime minister?".
Hoping for a better deal he replies "Why yes, I am. Will you give me a
discount?".
The woman thinks for a second and then replies, "Mister Prime Minister, if
you can raise my skirt like you raised the taxes, lower my panties like you
lowered our wages, make me hotter than my apartment ever gets, take charge
of me the way George Bush takes charge of you, get that thing of yours as
hard as the times, keep it up like the gas prices, make it as long as the
welfare lines and screw me the way you do the public, then mister Prime
Minister it won't cost you a damn cent."
english.413dejanr,
Iz noćašnjeg chat-a na BIX-u:
[Tiggy]* Why did Saddam Hussien stop going to his local bar?
[Surak]* why ? why?
[Tiggy]* He got tired of being bombed...
[Tiggy]* What do Saddam Hussiens wife and a Basketball team have in common?
[Tiggy]* They Both Shower after 4 periods
[Tiggy]* Why can't they have Sex Ed and Driver's Ed on the same day in Iraq?
[Mental]* Why not?
[Tiggy]* Only 1 Camel
[Tiggy]* Okey, there are these two big old black women sittin on their porch
in deepest georgia, it's mid summer, the hottest in 15 years
[Tiggy]* Suddenly Big Jessabel, (the one on the right) stands up and takes
off her dress...
[Tiggy]* The Other sez to her "Why'd you do dat?" And Jessabel sez "Cuzd it
makes me coolah!"
[Tiggy]* And she sits down
[Tiggy]* few inutes later, Jessabel stands up again and takes off her
underwear
[Tiggy]* And the other sez " Why'd you do dat? " and Jessabel sez "Cuzd it
makes me coolah!" and she sits down again
[Tiggy]* Finally, big ole Jessabel sits back and she spreads her legs as
wide as she can...
[Tiggy]* and the other sez "Now whyyyd you do *dat* Do dat makes you
coolah?"
[Tiggy]* and Jessabel sez "Nope, but it keeps da flys off!"
[Napomena: ostali vicevi su bili još gluplji ;) ]
english.414dejanr,
Do you know, that they've invented a contraceptive pill for men.
You take it the day after and it changes your blood group.
english.415dejanr,
In a village in South America there was a young man that was what some people
call a cassanova, good with the ladies. He had all kinds of ladies. He liked
them all, fat ones, short ones, skinney ones, didn't matter. The thing was, is
that he had a true love, a virgin that he was saving for his marrige. This
innocent virgin, her name was Mary, did not know anything about sex. Of
course our Tiger of the Village wanted to keep things that way. Well finally
they were married and on the wedding night Mary was very impressed with Sex.
She told her new husband that she did not know a man was build that way. What
a wonderful thing men had to please women. Our Tiger did not want to her to
think that all men were the same, so he told her, "I tell you one something
Honey, I am the only man in the world with such a thing". She believed him.
The "Tiger" of the village was a sheep herder and had to go to the hills for
weeks at a time. He had been gone for a couple of weeks when he came back and
began to look for his new bride. When he got to their hut she wasn't there.
He then went down through the village looking for her. "Mary, Mary, where are
you?" Finally he meets up with her on the street. Mary appears to be very
angry and frustrated. "You son-a-bitch, bastard, cabron, desgrasiado, no good
for nothing" and begins to hit and fight with him. "Hey whoa, whats the
matter baby, what did I do? I didn't do nothing why you mad at me?" our tiger
asks.
Mary says, "Yeah, you asshole, you know Sancho, the lazy one from across the
street? Well he has one also" and she points to his genitals. Our hero thinks
about it, she must have seen this guy taking a leak, shit I can fix this.
"Hey Honey, I tell you one something, you know what? Sancho he is my best
friend, I used to have two of them and since Sancho is my friend, I give him
one", he is all smiles and goes over to hug Mary.
Mary is now angrier and begins to clober the shit out of him. "You dumb ass,
pendejo, stupido, ignorante" she yells at him, "YOU GAVE HIM THE BETTER ONE".
english.416dejanr,
A marine was in the infirmary with most of his bones broken. His Colonel
went to see what happened. The marine said, "Our seargeant said we should
yell to the Iraqi's that Saddam Hussein is an S.O.B. and when they stand up in
anger we shoot em . Well, I did that. I yelled 'Saddam Hussein is an S.O.B.'
and an Iraqi stood up and yelled 'George Bush is an S.O.B.'. While we were
shaking hands a tank ran over us."
english.417dejanr,
{ed This article is rather long and only mildly amusing with a few
good points to be found within. Read it if you wish.}
Copyright 1991 Patrick D. Scannell
Used by Permission
"The Maltese Function"
Pragma Spade looked across his desk at the bizarre group which
had gathered in his office: Bridgid Stack-O'Verflough, the
mysterious woman who was not what she seemed (but was what she
seemed not to be); Caspar Gauteux, the corpulent French collector
of rare and curious software; his gun-wielding assistant, Wilmer
Flintstone; and the swarthy, unpredictable Cole Gyro. Behind
them, the office door with the legend "Spade and O, Private
Inspection Consultants" (The door painter had been shot dead in
the midst of scraping off Spade's ex-partner's name, but
fortunately none of the shots had hit the glass.) reminded Spade
of those who were not present: Floyd Thorough, Bridgid's late
partner; Miles O'Fay, Spade's equally late partner; Captain
Steubing, the late captain of the Pacific Princess; and Tommy
Dorsey, the late bandleader. They had tried, all of them, to
outwit him, but now he was holding all the cards. Better still,
he had all the cards and a gun.
Since thinking ahead had done him no good whatsoever, he thought
back, back to the beginning of the case. Bridgid had come to
them looking for an experienced Project Inspection Coordinator (PIC)
to be the third person in a code inspection, and after
a careful consideration of the facts of the case (especially
those facts which were encased in silk stockings or had portraits
of Benjamin Franklin on them) Miles had agreed to act as
Moderator and Recorder. But something had gone wrong. Floyd
Thorough had been shot leaving his hotel, and Miles had been
found not long after drowned in a vat of beer, not even his usual
brand. Spade remembered the joke about the man who drowned in a
vat of beer (which makes two levels of flashback, so save your
context) who got out twice to go to the bathroom, but in real
life it was a shock. Even the hard-bitten police lieutenant had
never seen anything like it. "He's our first drowned draft PIC,"
was how he had put it.
Ms. Stack-O'Verflough had gone into hiding, and Spade had begun
combing the Inspection Clubs for clues. Were the two deaths
related? What was the point of the flashback, if not? Was it the
work of some demented Serial Inspection Team Killer?
One other, even more gruesome, possibility had occurred to him.
He had heard rumors, maybe only legends, of killer software,
source code so convoluted that one look made instant death.
Could it be more than rumor?
He had visited some the old-fashioned inspection clubs, where the
speed of inspection was kept with a steady drumbeat, just as in
the days when galley slaves rowed the Roman warships. (The
practice of inspection had first been used to verify the
correction of printer's proofs, which were called galley proofs
for this reason.) The beat could be anywhere from a slow one-two
to what was still referred to as "water-skiing speed":
LOAD bit and SET true, BRANCH false for ERror!
NOW load in AR five, STORE with an OFFset!
No one there had heard of any Inspection killings, except a few
isolated incidents of Moderators shooting Inspectors for failure
to prepare adequately. But it was that kind of town, you had to
expect things like that.
At the Rock Inspection Station, Spade learned nothing more
(except a new dance):
Load the contents of location into Register 3
(Singin' do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do)
Then compare it to zero cause that's what it's s'posed to be
(Singin' do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do)
Branch here, branch there
It's an error, you're nowhere!
He did hear a rumor about a big shipment of magic mumbers coming
in from Haiti (which, as an Inspection Consultant, he would have
to watch out for), as well as rumors of zuvembies (or zombies),
who were now being referred to as "reuseable coders."
At the Inspection Disco, they call the Reader a "Rapper." The
beat was different but the story was the same:
He loads it IN a double WORD
and shifts it LEFT it sounds abSURD
then shifts it RIGHT leaves one bit LEFT
to give that VALue he can TEST!
Stop! Defect time!
At On The Code With Jack Kerouac, he relaxed and listened to the
laid-back Reader (but of course he was looking for defects,
because that's the rule) with his bongo drums: "Then, like, if he
finds an error he branches to the error routine" bip bip BOP
"which is, like, a cool thing to do because it illustrates the
erroneous nature of existence, you know?"
Finally, he tried the Metropolitan Inspection House, where they
were inspecting "Das Rheincode." At the Met, the Moderator was
addressed as "maestro", and the work product was read by a chorus
of Readers, interrupted by frequent cries of "Hojotojo!" (This
is apparently a Spanish word, since it is pronounced "hoyotoyo",
and it means, "I think I've spotted a defect!" It has nothing
whatever to do with Japanese motels with orange roofs.)
Load up the REGister!
Compare it to ZEro!
Branch if it ISn't!
Because it's an ERRor!
Finally, Spade had given up. There were no clues to be found.
But then Cole Gyro had come to his office, holding him at
gunpoint while he searched Spade's data base. Apparently he
hadn't found what he was looking for. Spade had knocked him out,
taken away his gun, and searched him, finding only fifteen knives
in assorted sizes and a huge selection of fake diamond jewelry.
"A real cut-and-paste type," he had decided.
Later, he had also taken away Wilmer's gun, and later
accidentally given Wilmer's gun back to Gyro, and vice versa.
Now they were both mad at him. Wilmer claimed the .22 made him
look like a sissy, and Gyro said carrying the heavy .45 gave him
lower back pain like you wouldn't believe. Gyro wasn't speaking
to Spade, and Wilmer's last comment had been, "Yeah, well inspect
this, pal!"
Then the Pacific Princess had caught fire and burned to the
waterline, almost injuring Charo, and Captain Steubing had ended
up dead in Spade's outer office, with a knife in his back
inscribed "Courtesy of Cole Gyro." But more than that, he
carried a diskette with him which contained a single source
file. Spade had cleverly mailed it to himself electronically,
with a time delay, and deleted the original file from the
diskette. (That's just the kind of bold, no-backup-copy guy he
was.)
And now (Pop your original context off the stack please. All
set? Good.) he had them all in his office at gunpoint. Now he
could get some answers. If only he could think of a question.
Wait a minute! That was it! "What's going on, anyway?"
"Egad, sir," said Gauteux, "I like a man who gets right to the
point, even when he hasn't any. Are you familiar with the island
of Malta, sir?"
"Vaguely. It's where Malta milk comes from, isn't it?"
"That's correct, sir. But what you may not also know is that it
was a sort of cultural center for the art of software development
in the late fifteenth century. So much so that the Pope himself
at that time commissioned the software artisans there to write
him a sort function for a new programming language being
developed by the Jesuits. Naturally, the artisans wanted to make
it the best sort function they possibly could, and they designed
the greatest sort algorithm ever created, before or since. But
in the end they were unable to debug it thoroughly. Can you
imagine how difficult it is to write machine code using Roman
numerals? Eventually they ran nearly a century over their
original schedule. They did not, of course, have Time Line to
help them out. Did you know, by the way, that Stonehenge was
built by the Druids as a tool for scheduling development of a
large operating system? No matter, sir, I digress. To make a
long story short, sir, the object code was delivered to the Pope
(though not the same one) with several bugs in it, and the
compiler was never shipped outside of Italy. The source code was
captured by pirates and believed lost, but it exists, I tell you,
and we are about to see it."
"You mean the diskette Captain Steubing had?"
"Exactly, sir, exactly. Floyd Thorough procured it for me in
Istanbul, and then attempted to steal it. We believed that he
had mailed it here electronically, but in fact it was smuggled
over on the Pacific Princess on a diskette hidden in Charo's
guitar. What puzzles me is why Steubing brought it here, instead
of giving it to Miss Stack-O'Verflough."
"It's just one of those comic mixups he's so famous for. Was so
famous for. But why does anyone want it, except for historical
interest?"
"It's the greatest sort algorithm ever created. If we can
inspect it using modern inspection methods and get the defects
out of it, it would be worth millions."
"I see. And what do you have to say about all this, sweetheart?"
"Nothing," said Ms. Stack-O'Verflough. "I'm only here because I
couldn't get tickets to 'Cats.'"
"That's too bad," he said. "Because --" Suddenly a bell rang,
and message came up on Spade's terminal indicating that he had
mail from himself. "Here it is," he said, and printed out a
copy. He examined it, then handed the copy to Gauteux.
"Now, as I was saying, someone's going to have to take the fall,
and I think you're it, beautiful."
"Watch it with the names, pal."
"I meant the little lady."
"I'm six foot four, bub."
"I may just shoot you all an have done with it. I've got such a
headache."
"Perhaps, sir, you should finish what you were saying. Someone
to take the fall, you say. You mean for the murders of Thorough
and O'Fay?"
"No, they knew the risks when they became software engineers.
They should have known better than to get careless."
"Steubing, then. I must confess I am curious to know who killed
him."
"Anybody who got a look at that source code, I'd say, It's not a
pretty sight."
"That's true, sir, that's true. But now tell me, what is this
fall you're referring to?"
"Well, what happens when you inspect that code?"
"Why, I expect it will require a rework, by the look of it."
"And someone's going to have to do the rework. And it's not
going to be me. The original Producer is long dead."
"I see you're point, sir. And you favor casting the young woman
in that role?"
"Who else? Wilmer or Gyro? Neither one could code their way out
of a paper bag."
"Perhaps, sir, you'd like to discuss this with the lady alone.
We could wait in the foyer."
"Yeah, do that."
"Why are you doing this to me?" she asked.
"Forget it kid. Any program with that bad a history should be
thrown out and rewritten. You want to go with them and do the
rework? You'll be at it for twenty years. But I'll wait for
you, precious."
"I don't think so. Now what?"
"I'll give them the diskette and they'll go."
"Just like that?"
"They think they've got a fortune, and if they don't have to
split with me they'll let you out of it." He turned to the
machine, dumped the source onto a diskette, opened the door and
tossed it to Gauteux. "Here, take it," he said. "It's the stuff
defects are made of."
THE END
english.418dejanr,
Sally was walking down the street when she met another little girl with a
confused look on her face. When sally wasked her, the other little girl said
se didn't know whether she was 11 or 13. Sally then asked her : "What's the
nicest, best tasting thing she ever had in her mouth?" The other girl
replied : "A big chocolate sundae, with melted fidge and lots of sprinkles-"
"You're eleven," Sally said.
english.419dejanr,
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she
replied that she suffered from a discharge. Said he: Get undressed, Mrs. Cohn,
and lie down on the examining table. She did, whereupon the doctor put on
rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts". After a couple of
minutes he asked: How does that feel? Wonderful, she replied, but the
discharge is from the ear.
english.420dejanr,
How do you get 20 Iraqis into a phone booth?
Tell them it isn't theirs.
english.421dejanr,
Copyright 1991 Patrick D. Scannell
Used by Permission
INSPECTION, DETECTION AND REJECTION STANDARD
Please review this document thoroughly, then throw it away.
This Draft subsedes all future drafts.
There will be an open review of this Standard two weeks ago.
You are cordially not invited to attend.
1 INTRODUCTION
Purpose
This document has no purpose. We just threw it together for
laughs. Since it exists, however, by the laws of physics, can
neither be created nor destroyed.
Status
This is a devolving standard. With each revision it becomes more
convoluted and confusing.
Scope
Objections, protections and retrospections apply to the following
comedy products:
- Episodes of the Forbidden Zone (except this one)
- Directline memos
- Development schedules produced prior to the design phase
for both velopment and development.
Policy
It is recommended that anyone reading this standard verify that
their life and health insurance premiums are paid up.
Notes
Take notes. There will be a test later.
Reviews Versus Convections, Intellections and Injections
Reviews, such as the New York Times Review of Books, are
magazines which cover a subject in a very broad manner.
Employees are free to subscribe to as many reviews as they wish
prior to obtaining a Clean compilation. (The Clean compiler is
available from Harry Clean, Inc. for a nominal fee.)
An issue meeting is a meeting whose purpose is to attempt to
surface issues, then bury them deeper so that they won't surface
again. These may be held, but must be kept secret.
A pre-inspection meeting may be held before the product is
written, in which the producer describes what the document would
look like, how long it would be, what color ink and so forth.
Since these meetings are totally useless, it is expected that
they will be held often.
Detractions, infractions and impactions by a team of at least 9
detractors, infractors and impactors are required to be held no
later than the end of Component Test or the beginning of the
Design Phase, whichever comes first. For extremely lengthy
meetings, an 18-person team is used, operating under normal
tag-team rules. This requirement is waived if Component Test and
the subsequent design effort do not take place until after
product shipment.
Technical audits continue to be required, however they will now
be performed by trained I.R.S. auditors who will be empowered to
impose fines and jail terms of up to 20 years. (These extreme
penalties will only be imposed for such offenses as writing
uncommented assembly language and use of the COBOL Alter
statement.)
In order to formalize the process, employees are not allowed to
talk to one another except in the course of the above process
meetings.
2 Objectives, Subjectives, Objections, Subjections, Roles, Rules
and Procedures
Objectives
The immediate objective of a dejection, protection and
genuflection is to remove the true portions ("de facts") from the
comedy product without removing what little humor there is.
The long term subjective is to get the thing finished and sent so
that real work can be done.
The Objection Team
There are 9 key roles related to holding a compaction.
1. The Producer is the person responsible for creating the comedy
product. The Producer may not also be the Catcher or Shortstop,
but may play Goalie or take an occasional free throw.
2. The Director is the person who directed the producer to do
what he or she did. The Director may not also be the Inquisitor,
although he may help heat up the hot irons. An extinction may be
held without the Director present if he doesn't mind the fact
that the Producer will try to blame him for everything.
3. The Moderator is responsible for making sure that the team is
all in place before the doors are locked, and for preventing
lynchings and other mob actions.
4. The Catcher is responsible for making sure no one gets out of
the room alive until the meeting is finished. Not even to go to
the bathroom.
5. The Reader is responsible for reading the thing being
introspected in a droning monotone.
6. The Recorder is responsible for taking notes.
7. The Decoder is responsible for reading the notes.
8. The Discorder is responsible for destroying the notes after
they've been read, so as not to leave a paper trail of the
meeting. Optimally, it should be impossible to prove that the
meeting ever took place.
9. The Inspector is responsible for behaving as much as possible
like Inspector Clouseau as played by Peter Sellers: speaking in a
bad French accent, knocking things over, accidentally setting
fire to important documents and generally disrupting the meeting.
10.The Domino's Pizza Delivery Person, while not strictly a team
member, will often be critical to the success of the meeting.
The minimum team consists of 2 people, the Recorder and
Discorder. This requires picking up the pizza ahead of time,
however.
Planning
See Appendix F for definition.
Preparation
The key point of preparation is to ensure that the team arrives
at the meeting place on time. If members arrive late, it is very
difficult to let them in without (1) allowing other team members
to escape and (2) divulging the true nature of the meeting,
causing them to flee. It is generally advisable to lead team
members to believe they are attending a completely different
function, for example a surprise party.
Meeting
No one knows what goes on in these meetings. If the Discorders
do their jobs properly, no one ever will.
After the Meeting
Survivors should be kept under medical observation for 48 hours.
Resource Guidelines
A reaction, restriction and eviction will normally cover
approximately 20,000,000 words per hour. Note that a picture is
worth a thousand words -- two thousand if it is colored neatly
(staying within the lines) in crayon.
Schedule meetings to be no more than 48 hours long. 36 is
preferred.
SAMPLE REFRACTION AND TRACTION DEFECT SUMMARY
Comedy Product: Zone 105
Release: NO
Refraction and Action Type: No Progress Review
Major Defects Type
The author Screws Missing
Minor Defects
The jokes and the premise Not Funny
[Other potential defect types: Incomprehensible, Too True,
Obscure]
english.423dejanr,
Obscure Williamstown footpath graffiti
THIS WAY TO OBLIVION
>>----------> (that's an arrow, folks)
Bizzare Williamstown footpath graffiti just around the corner
HA HA FOOLED YOU
IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHICH WAY YOU GO
english.424dejanr,
During 1989, Brian Marshall and I started up an Oracle service at the
University of Waterloo on behalf of the Computer Science Club. Later
that same year, Edwin Hoogerbeets took over. People would ask
questions, and we would answer them (ourselves, might I add). Our
ponderings antedated the now-somewhat-popular Usenet Oracle (TM) by a
number of months. The concise retorts are Edwin's; the incoherent
ramblings are mine; the coherent ramblings are Brian's. Enjoy!
Trevor Green
Do the Unix commands macget and macput still work? I have a Mac Plus
and a 2400 baud modem, and I have tried mightily to get these commands to
work, but with no success.
- Fred Dixon, 3rd year Computer Science
Dear Fred:
It seems that a large American corporation, which
I will not name (because MacDonald's would sue if I mentioned their
name) recently acquired a court injunction against the use of the name
MAC. Due to current developments in biological chip engineering, the
corporation has finally found a way to manufacture Intel 80386 clones,
called Intosh, which are made entirely from potato by-products - much
like the ever-popular Big Mac.
In its newly distributed sales brochure, the corporation announced that
the first of the new machines, the Mac DLT (Download Link Terminal), should be
available shortly. The basic board contains an Intosh potato chip, as well as
an innovative drive that reads data off of 6-cm `all-beef' platters, a 3-cm CRT
(catsup, relish and tomato) and can connect to `the Bun' using the sesame-seed
modem at 1200 bps (Bacon, Pickles and Special Sauce). As the D.L.T. generates a
fair bit of heat, and us being environmentally conscious and all, the
corporation has incorporated a special feature into the top of the CPU box:
a griddle. What a golden concept!
So no, there is no more MACPUT and MACGET on UNIX, unless you acquire
a DLT which will be selling at your local retail outlet for 99 cents
with the purchase of a burger, fries and regular drink. Yes, it's
`The Hacker Meal', the latest gimmick from MacDonald's!
Explain the meaning of "KILROE HIC ERAT!"
This phrase is, of course, in the language of the highlands of Klingon. It
means, literally, "A stupid human tradition of writing things on brick
walls with spraypaint, for which they should be executed immediately
with a large grey sperm whale rib(*)." Klingon is apparently more
concise than English.
The more figurative interpretation is, "Kilroy has hiccups."
* - which we can have for dinner tonight.
Why do they always give the temperature at the airport, like who lives
at the airport?
The Moonies.
Can the Oracle spawn a task so great that he cannot kill it?
Contrary to popular belief, the Oracle is not all-powerful. We are
a tunnel, or a method: a means by which information may be
transmitted from the higher beings around us to the public in general.
(Much like a television, but no commercials or sitcoms.)
Thus the Oracle can no more create a task so great that he (or she)
cannot kill than he (or she) could create a bull terrier with
no inclination to munch upon human beings or their entrails.
Why is it that, although the Emperor of Japan died on January 7, we all heard
about it on the News on January 6? Can foul play be ruled out?
-Horrible Ethic
Dear Eth:
We indeed did hear about it on January 6, but this was not true around the
world. Japan and indeed all the Old World learned about the death on January
7, but due to a loophole in special relativity discovered in the 1880's by
Sandford Fleming, some 20 years before Einstein published his theory, and
known as Time Zone theory, the Americas learned about the event on January
6 (6:30 in Newfoundland).
What makes the world turn?
Aristotel posited that it was in fact the entire rest of the universe that
rotates on an axis once a day; and then he died. Newton posited that in
fact the Earth rotates and revolves, all due to gravity and angular
momentum; and then he died. Einstein posited that due to space-time
curvature, the Earth is in fact spiraling inwards toward the sun,
emitting enough gravity waves in the process to power, say, a small
electric heater, and then he died; and nobody has yet gotten that heater
to work. Stephen Hawking posited that in fact the entire space-time
construction is a giant 4-dimensional spheroid that God couldn't really
have much to do with; and then...well, he isn't dead yet, but it won't
be that long. Now comes the real truth: The reason the world turns is
that there is in fact a gigantic gyroscope hidden in the Earth's inner
core which is kept in motion by the hot gusts of wind emanating from
the portals of Hell. I have posited this, and I am still alive.
english.425dejanr,
Q: Why do America and Kuwait need each other?
A: Kuwait is a banking system without a country
and America is a country without a banking system.
english.426dejanr,
Darrell the banjo picker's canonical list of Banjo Jokes...
(you've been warned)
approved for all audiences
o How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
five; one to screw it in and four to
(a.) complain that it's electric.
(b.) lament about how much they miss the old one.
(c.) stand around and watch.
o What's the difference between a banjo and a(n)...
(a.) onion
no one cries when you cut up a banjo.
(b.) uzzie
an uzzie only repeats forty times.
(c.) chain saw
a chain saw has a dynamic range.
and/or you can turn a chainsaw off.
(d.) Harley Davidson motorcycle
you can tune a Harley.
(e.) Trampoline
you take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
o Playing the banjo is a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded...you don't
have to be very good to get people's attention.
o What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise.
o What do you get when you throw a banjo and an accordion off the Empire State
Building?
Who Cares...
o What do you call twenty-five banjos up to their necks in sand?
not enough sand.
o What do you call one-hundred banjos at the bottom of the ocean?
a good start.
o What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test?
drool...
o Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
it saves time in the long run.
o What will you never say about a banjo player?
that's the banjo player's porsche.
o Banjo players are a lot like sharks--they think they have to keep playing or
they will sink...
o How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
by there names...(used to be Irish fiddle tunes)
o The sixth fret on a banjo is a lot like the thirteenth floor on a building
you don't really need one.
o Does this kinder, gentler era have room for another generation of obnoxious
banjo pickers telling dumb jokes and playing fast?
(zombiegrass--picture a banjo picker standing straight
faced under a large cowboy hat...)
english.427dejanr,
From page 468 of "Using Turbo C++" by Herbert Schildt:
REMEMBER: The private parts of an object are accessible only by functions
that are members of that object.
Well, there goes free love...
++Christopher();
english.428dejanr,
This is original to Mike Wilson, a Science Operations Ground System
manager for the Hubble Space Telescope.
"The Gulf War's ratings are so good, NBC's decided to pick it up
for next season."
english.429dejanr,
Another organically grown entry for rec.humus. Only natural punchlines
are used in my jokes, and no antibiotics now that the infection has gone
down.
Apple Corporation Sues Itself.
[AP] In a move that has industrial analysts scratching their heads,
Apple Computers has filed suit against Apple Computers Corporation. The
company claims that Apple has violated the Look and Feel of their own
machines which has helped to make the company famous.
An Apple Spokesperson stated "This is no joke. If we don't protect our
copyrighted interface, everyone will use it and we could lose the
exclusive right. So it is in our best interests to sue anyone who uses
the Macintosh Look and Feel, including ourselves." The spokesperson
says Apple has retained the prestigious LA law firm of Kukla, Fran and
Ollie to spearhead the lawsuit. Apple's in house lawyers will defend.
Long time Apple observer Ernest Dinklefwat stated that this is a sure
sign that Apple has too many lawyers and not enough engineers. "In the
old days Apple depended on its talented engineers to keep ahead of the
competition, but now they have lost the edge, as well as their grasp on
reality."
The industry will be sure to watch this case closely. If Apple wins
the suit against itself, this could mean a massive recall of all
Macintosh and Lisa computers which will need to be converted to avoid
all graphics and desktop metaphors and instead provide a simple
terminal-like interface. Such a move would cause a massive digression
in the personal computer market. Users of computers would be forced to
learn to read, which could cause dangerous literacy among college
students and professionals.
-David Lowry
english.430dejanr,
I saw this in the Oakland (California) Tribune:
Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss?
He elected to receive.
english.431dejanr,
General Thomas Kelly at a Pentagon briefing last Friday on the report
that Sadaam Hussein had executed the heads of the Iraqi Air Force and
Air Defenses said he didn't know if it was true but added:
"He does have a rather dynamic zero-defects program."
Jeff David
-------
Seen on a protester's sign in San Francisco this past Saturday (1/26):
Following
George Bush
into a war
is like following
Neil Bush
into a Savings and Loan
-- Jordin Kare
-------
Have you seen the types of people going to anti-war protests? Some look quite
like a freak show... Do you know why they want to "bring the troops home"?
Because they can't wait to get their hands on all the surplus Army boots.
(Original joke by Tom Miller)
-------
News Flash: Saddam Hussein claims to have captured 1,000 American
lawyers. He plans to release one at a time until we surrender!
-------
The missle attacks on Israel and Saudi Arabia are the results of a
misunderstanding, Baghdad Radio announced today. The crews manning
the launchers thought Hussein said to launch the attack.
Saddam says "No, I said 'Scud Light'".
english.432dejanr,
If you've never seen Jimmy Stewart and Doris Day in
_The_Man_Who_Knew_Too_Much_, you should really make
an effort. Doris Day sings "Que Sera Sera" to her
kid, who by the end of the film is pretty shook up.
Here's the new version, updated for current events:
When I was just a little boy
I asked my mother, what will I be?
Will I be handsome,
will I be rich?
Here's what she said to me:
Hey Saddam, Saddam,
Whatever will be will be
But you're messing with Mean Marines,
Hey Saddam, Saddam.
When I was just a boy in school
I asked my teacher, what should I try?
Should I try gassing,
or making bombs?
Here was her wise reply:
Hey Saddam, Saddam....
When I grew up and joined the war,
I asked my Sergeant, will I be brave?
Will I kick asses,
will I take names?
Here's what he screamed and raved:
Hey Saddam, Saddam....
When I sent troops into Kuwait ^H^H^H^H^H^H^H The 19th Province
I asked my Generals, how will we do?
How long 'till victory
is in our hands?
These words they spoke were true:
Hey Saddam, Saddam....
Now I have armies of my own
They ask their leader will we survive?
Down in the bunkers,
Where the bombs fall,
They know I'm still alive!
Hey Saddam, Saddam,
I guess that we'll all know soon,
'Cause Norm has a plan for doom!
Hey Saddam, Saddam
What will be, will be.
==============================
I heard this one from a friend:
Q: What do Saddam Hussein and Lisa Olson have in common?
A: They've both been faced with Patriot missiles
-Harold Buck
==============================
(This is original.)
Early reports from the Persian Gulf have sung the praises of our smart
weapons. The cruise missiles would first stop by the Baghdad Post Office
to see if the target had filed a change of address, then head down the
main boulevard, carefully observing all traffic lights. Upon reaching
the target, the missile would knock on the door, display the correct
password to gain entrance, and penetrate deeply into the building before
detonating.
The precision of those weapons is most impressive, but I have a different
concept of a truly "smart" weapon. It would say to the designer, "You
want me to crash into a concrete wall and explode? No, no, no.
Let me have a chat with the man. Give me a letter of introduction,
'A Mr. Thomas Hauke to see Saddam Hussein' or words to that effect.
I'd say to him, 'You realize that I'm carrying a half-ton of explosive,
and if I were to carry out my intended mission, well, it would be an
enormous headache for your maintenance staff. I'd much prefer to have
a spot of tea and discuss the latest video technology. If you'd be a
good man and withdraw from Kuwait, I'm sure we could reach an amicable
agreement.'"
I suppose that there are some problems with my scheme. Contemplative weapons
might reflect on their purpose in the universe, and too much of the wrong
flavor
of existentialism could have a devastating effect. "Whether I destroy an
Iraqi or Saudi airbase is a matter of complete indifference to the universe."
There's nothing more dangerous than a nihilistic missile.
For the time being, I suspect that while designers will continue to make
weapons more "intelligent," in the sense of being able to perform more
complex tasks, they will still pursue their missions with the single-mindedness
of an untenured professor. The weapons, that is.
english.433dejanr,
Now the Iraqi government is showing pictures of a blasted church, supposedly
hit by allied missiles.
But if God is with the Iraqi army, isn't that a military target?
english.434dejanr,
The military jargon that we've heard through the continuous
coverage of Operation Desert Storm has started to permeate
our lives.
My wife and I are in the midst of toilet training
with my 2-year-old. After one such "training mission," my
wife asked, "How'd it go?"
"Well, I don't want to encourage a sense of euphoria, but I'm
quite pleased with the results. Three scuds were launched,
along with two false alarms. Some traces of chemical emissions
were detected, but not enough to warrant the gas mask. While
I was impressed with the air attack, the grunts were eventually
required to get the job done."
english.435dejanr,
A MERE TRIFLE [by Isaac Asimov]
Said a certain young man with a grin,
"I think it is time to begin."
Said the girl with a sneer,
"With what? Why your pee-er
Is scarcely as big as a pin."
english.436dejanr,
This is supposedly a true story, told to me by a second source.
An older woman was cruising a busy parking lot just before
Christmas in her new Mercedes-Benz looking in vain for a
parking space. She finally saw someone loaded with packages
heading for a car, so she followed him, put on her blinker and
waited patiently until he pulled out. Just as he pulled out
a young man in a sleek black Porche zipped in to the space ahead of her.
She was dumbfounded and outraged, and jumped out of her car, shouting,
"How could you do that?
Didn't you see me waiting there with my signal on?",
to which he replied,
"That's what happens when you're young and fast."
As the young man was about to enter the store he heard the
hideous crunch of metal striking metal. He ran back, horrified, to
see that the woman had gunned her Mercedes and smashed it into his
beautiful black Porche. He ran back and cried
"How could you do that?",
to which she replied,
"That's what happens when you're old and rich!"
english.437dejanr,
The following is of my own creation. Mea Culpa.
---------------------------------
There is a constant battle that goes on in my house. It carries broader
significance than the conflict between good and evil, has more earth shattering
importance than the fight between freedom and oppression, and is more basic
than the disagreement between people who drink light beer because it tastes
great and those who drink it because it's less filling. It is the battle
between gluttony and guilt.
Every day, all the members of my family have to struggle with themselves to
decide whether or not they're willing to grab that piece of apple pie. Of
course, they all want a piece, but there's always that communal guilt lurking
in the corner somewhere. Whosoever dares to reach for a second piece is
immediately bombarded from all sides.
"Do you really need that?"
"What, you're still hungry after that huge piece?"
"I thought we talked about going on a diet."
At this point, there is nothing you can do but withdraw your hand and wait
quietly for nightfall.
Once dinner is over, and no one is in sight, guilt loses its sway. It is a
well-known fact that a cake which was hardly touched during dinner has no
chance of surviving until the morning. As the evening wears on, the cake
becomes smaller and smaller as good-natured passersby selflessly 'straighten'
the edge of the cake at the expense of their waistlines.
There are two very important facts about food that underlie and justify my
family's eating habits. The first is that when you eat the food off of someone
else's plate, they get the calories. Knowing this can be endlessly useful. For
instance, when you order salad at a restaurant, it allows you to nibble the
better part of your friends' meals and still feel as virtuous as if you only
ate the wilted pieces of lettuce in front of you. The second idea is that if
you eat your food by first cutting off a small piece, eating it, cutting off
another small piece, eating it, and so on, until you've finished enough to feed
a small Central American country, you only get as many calories as were in each
individual piece, rather than the sum.
There are also a few basic rule of etiquette that we've deceloped concerning
food. Most of the rules have to do with stealing food, since this is the most
delicate issue. The first and most important rule is: -Don't get caught.- This
may seem like a simple rule, but it's often neglected. Sometimes you have to be
quite creative about it. For instance, if you're found with your head in the
fridge at 3:00 AM, your mouth covered with cake crumbs, you must be able to
convince whoever caught you that you were actually looking for a piece of
celery when you tripped and fell face first into the cake.
Rule number two: -If, while going for a piece of cake yourself, you catch
someone else, do not hesitate to make them feel guilty about it.- Some limp
wristed liberals disagree with this rule, but it's vitally important. There is
no reason to have mercy. They would do the same thing to you if the situation
was reversed. And always remember that the less they eat, the more left for
you.
The third rule is more along the lines of self preservation. -If you are
actually caught, never let it be used to corner you into going on a diet.-
There are some very serious problems with promising to diet. The greatest one
is that you might actually end up doing it. This leads to no end of trouble. An
unsuccessful diet is a terrible thing. You end up eating the same amount of
food as before, but you enjoy it less. A successful diet is even worse. Once
you lose weight, you'll probably look and feel better. Once that happens,
you're stuck. You suddenly have a good reason to keep the weight off, and you
have to abandon all your former eating habits, thereby keeping yourself thin
and healthy. In some extreme cases, this vicious circle has even led to
exercise and general good health. But, luckily, in my family, there's no danger
of that.
english.438dejanr,
{ed This story got lost in the queues}
Well hello there everyone, this is your old pal Saddam Hussein
(supreme ruler of Iraq, Kuwait, and those parts of Neptune with
lots of oil) hoping that you're feeling as grrrrrreat as I am...
I feel so good I could eat a new-born baby -- in fact I'm having
one for dinner.
Welcome to 1991, a year which is going to be a bundle of fun
from beginning to end, guys.
Now to all you servicemen in the Gulf... go home, guys. Your
wife is currently committing adultery with Donald Duck, Bugs
Bunny and Dan Quail -- funny how all these sexy stars have animal
names isn't it? Still who can forget my old pal Camel Attaturk...
Now, what you're all wondering is... will I be invading the
United States after January 15th, in order to win back Alaska in
the most holy name of Mohammed? Historically of course Alaska is
a part of Iraq, and the Americans only took it to ensure their
oil interests. Well, Bushy, old man, you've been found out. The
Baghdad branch of the United Nations (chairman Saddam Hussein,
vice-chairman Mr Toxiq Gaziz) has met and unanimously condemned
your actions. So there. Anyway the invasion date for Alaska is
being kept secret, because we can't trust our generals to turn up
on the right date anyway, but it'll probably be on February 8th.
It's been a good year in Iraq. Fiscal growth this year was about
10%, mostly in the form of Kuwaiti postage stamps. Any of you
collectors like to buy some? We've also been rebuilding our
ancient heritage -- as some of you know, I am directly descended
from Belshazzar the King, so we're now putting up some new
apartments in Babylon. We're also giving Sodom and Gomorrah a
face-lift as well -- they should provide a tourist attraction to
rival Disneyland, know what I mean?
Well, that's about the end of my new year message. I've got to
put on my wig now and act as Lord Chief Justice of Baghdad.
Luckily we find all prisoners guilty unless they pay me in
advance of the trial, so it's not going to take long.
Bye for now. I love you all.
Your own Emperor Saddam the Cuddly, supreme ruler of Neptune,
twice voted 'most sexy moustache of Baghdad', camel-driving
certificate (first class), doctor of philosophy.
english.439dejanr,
Spam Tater-Tot Velveeta De-lites
"Served hot or cold, this savory party favorite is sure to be the last snack
on the tray!"
Serves 3 - 103
1 can SPAM 1 loaf Velveeta
1 bag Tater Tots 1 bunch of decorative Toothpicks
1. Arrange Tater Tots on cookie sheet and bake, as directed on the bag,
at 450 for 20 minutes or until crisp, golden-brown, and appealing. (It's
probably best to play it safe here and just do them for the 20 minutes.)
0. I forgot to tell you: You've got to pre-heat the oven first.
2. Slice the Spam into thin slices which would be about large enough
each to put one Tater Tot on top of, taking into account shrinkage due to
frying.
3. Fry the Spam slices until they're resistant, in the Italian phrase,
"to the teeth."
4. Slice the Velveeta into thin slices which would be about large
enough to secure over a Tater Tot resting on a slice of fried Spam with a
decorative toothpick before melting.
5. Arrange the slices of fried Spam on another cookie sheet. On
each, place a Tater Tot and then a Velveeta slice, securing the arrangement
with a decorative toothpick. Bake at 300 for 10 minutes, or until the
Velveeta has melted over the Tater Tots and onto the fried Spam, the cookie
sheet, and the oven floor.
6. Garnish with gherkins, capers, carrot curls, celery stalks, cucumber
sticks, and radish florets, and enjoy. If you're serving them cold and
congealed, try a warm Wesson-and-salt dip.
english.440dejanr,
Heard in an interview with George Will on WSB Radio, Atlanta:
Caller: "What do you think about football?"
Will: "Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of
American life. Violence and committee meetings."
english.441dejanr,
From today's New York Times:
Q. What's the new Saudi national anthem?
A. Onward Christian Soldiers.
Q. How do you get an elephant out of a theatre?
A. You can't. It's in their blood.
english.442dejanr,
And the Lord said unto Noah: "Where is the ark which I have commanded
thee to build?"
And Noah said unto the Lord: "Verily, I have had three carpenters off
ill. The gopher wood supplier hath let me down -- yea, even though the wood
hath been on order for nigh upon twelve months. What can I do, Lord?"
And the Lord said unto Noah: "I want that ark finished after seven
days and seven nights."
And Noah said: "It will be so."
And it was *not* so. And the Lord said unto Noah: "What seemeth to
be the trouble this time?"
And Noah said unto the Lord: "Mine subcontractors hath gone bankrupt.
The pitch which thou commandest me to put on the outside of the ark hath
not arrived. Shem, my son who helpeth me, hath formed a rock group with
his brothers Ham and Japeth. Lord I am undone. Bring on the rains."
And the Lord grew very angry and said: "And what about the animals,
the male and female of every sort that I ordered to come unto thee to keep
their seed alive upon the face of the earth?"
And Noah said: "They hath been delivered unto the wrong address but
should arrive on friday."
And the Lord said: "How about the unicorns and the fowls of the air by
sevens?"
And Noah wrung his hands, saying: "Lord, unicorns are a discontinued
line; thou canst not get them for love nor money. And fowls of the air are
sold only in half-dozen lots. Lord, thou knowest how it is."
And the Lord in his wisdom spoke: "Noah, my son, what about the
insurance, in case thou should run this ark aground atop Mt. Ararat?"
And Noah was downcast, saying: "My independent insurance agent telleth
me there doth exist a market crunch. Companies liketh not writing insurance
for an ark. They fear it will be used for water skiing. They doubt my
wisdom as captain. Only one company hath said it would insure this vessel
and it would charge seventy times seven pieces of silver, with a 250-pound
sacrificial lamb deductible.
"Verily, the tribute is higher than heaven and yet we cannot get
delivery of the policy for nigh upon three months, for the company hath
changed to an abacus and the beads are stuck fast."
Having spoken thus, Noah wept.
And the Lord went forth and did likewise.
english.443dejanr,
Copyright 1991 Patrick D. Scannell
Used by Permission
Churn, Churn, Churn
(a song parody)
To everything (churn churn churn)
There is a deadline (churn churn churn)
And a time you should have finished every project.
A time to debug, a time to code,
To test local mail, to send node to node,
A time to build, and to integrate,
And a time to explain why it's late
To everything (churn churn churn)
There is a deadline (churn churn churn)
And a time you should have finished every project.
A time to reboot, a time to crash,
A time for checks, a time for cash,
A time to rush, a time to wait,
And a ti-ime to be-e kept waiting,
To everything (churn churn churn)
There is a deadline (churn churn churn)
And a time you should have finished every project.
A time to eat lunch, a time to write specs,
A time to go home, a time to have fun,
A time to work, a time to work,
And a time to work o-overtime
To everything (churn churn churn)
There is a deadline (churn churn churn)
And a time you should have finished every project.
A time to reflect, a time to explain,
A time to object, a time to refrain,
A time to agree, a time to fight,
But no time to do the job right
To everything (churn churn churn)
There is a deadline (churn churn churn)
And a time you should have finished every project.
A time to design, a time to code,
To send local mail, to send node to node,
A time to build, a time to test,
And a time to be taken away for a long rest
To everything (churn churn churn)
There is a deadline (churn churn churn)
And a time you should have finished every project.
english.444dejanr,
The following appears in a Southwest Airlines newspaper ad in the 12/28/90
Arizona Republic. It is repeated three times in fine print in a box
labeled "Other Airlines' Restrictions." The box has a big messy X through it,
so it is a good thing that they repeated it three times or I never could
have transcribed it in its entirety...
"Seat availability is limited and seats may not be available on all flights.
Travel for qualifying trips must occur between 2/12/91 and 2/13/91. Fares are
one-way requiring a round-trip purchase 21 days in advance or 28 days in
advance during leap years. Minimum stay of 4 days is required, except for
Tuesday departures which require a 7 day minimum stay. Fares are non-refundable
and may not be available when you call. Passenger must be a Sagittarius, unless
the moon is in Jupiter. Fares may be higher for travel on peak days, summer
solstice, and employee birthdays. **Travel must commence by 5/3/91 for frequent
flyer members and between enrollment date and 5/6/91 for new members. A
Saturday night stay is required, but if originating on a Saturday, only a
Wednesday morning stay is required. Tickets may be used only when accompanied
by a lawyer. Phoenix-to-Los Angeles route may include unannounced stops in
Atlanta or Madrid. Fares do not include "nonpertainable aviation compensation
fees," which may be extra. ***Sale tickets prohibit the use of restrooms during
flights. Fares are subject to random adjustments on five minutes notice. Seat
availability is limited and some passengers may be required to stand. Travel is
valid in the Continental U.S. only and the Central Time Zone only on alternate
Sundays. Reservations are required. No jeans, T-shirts, sandals, shorts,
striped
or polka-dotted clothing may be worn by passengers holding sale tickets. +This
offer not valid in conjunction with any discount coupon, voucher, certificate
or promotional offer by any airline, video rental outlet or supermarket.
Tickets
may be given to family members except second cousins and relatives who never
call or write but visit every year at Christmas time. Identification and/or
character witnesses may be required. ++Terms and conditions are subject to
change without notice. Stopovers not allowed. Not valid for travel during
months
ending in "R." This offer void were prohibited by law, where people just don't
like it, or wherever you happen to live. For a complete list of new and amended
regulations associated with this offer, keep watching this space in your daily
newspaper."
english.445dejanr,
Author: Peter Shipley
Pros and Cons of dating a vampire
Pro Con
Long relationships Spend your time in a hypnotic daze
Allowed to stay out late Parents can be hell
Easy weight loss You always feel tired (loss of blood)
Centuries of experience Oral sex can be lethal
Immune to all venereal diseases Always has cold feet (and blood)
Always has amazing stamina Never able to spend the day in bed
Loves neck nibbling Pet names that give you chills
Rarely interested in arguing religion Strange friends
Never comes home with garlic breath Giggles at funerals
Don't have to worry about what color Hard to win a argument
clothes to wear. No romantic sunsets
May forget own strength during orgasm
english.446dejanr,
[A satire of "What Happens During the First Second of an Auto Crash"
posted on misc.consumers]
The following was apparently put out by the Georgia USENET Society
and is copied from the LA Buy-Rite Bargain Finder without permission.
LITTLE KNOWN FACTS THAT DESERVE YOUR ATTENTION
Do you know what happens in the first ten seconds after reading a stupid
posting on USENET?
In the first second, you scan the article. You have little suspicion
of what is about to happen to you.
In the second second, you stop dead in your tracks. Incredulously, you
go back and re-read the especially stupid sentence.
"Perhaps," you charitably think, "I read it incorrectly." You didn't.
In the third second, you skip to the bottom of the article and check
for ":-)"s. You don't find any. You mutter to yourself "Jeez... This
dweeb is serious."
In the fourth second, you look at the author's name. Perhaps the posting
is from the .edu domain, and therefore should be chalked up to a
practical joke posted from an unattended terminal, or just the outpourings
of an immature undergraduate mind. Nope! The poster is from .com!
The fifth second finds you undergoing many body changes. The hair on the
back of your neck stands on end, and your fingers start twitching. Your
face flushes red in reaction to your building rage, indignation, or
just shock. You kick off your tightly laced shoes.
In the sixth second, the middle finger of your right hand drifts over the
"k" key on the keyboard. Your finger continues to tremble, but it does not
press the key.
In the seventh second, the muscle tone vanishes from the middle finger of
your right hand. Simultaneously, the index finger of the left hand
drifts over the "r" key and almost presses it down.
In the eighth second, the index finger of the left hand, having done a
decoy over the "r" key, slips down the keyboard and firmly presses
the "f" key. The right pinky, unnoticed in all the action, has already
pressed the shift key down.
In the ninth second, your favorite editor presents a lovely display
suitable for commentary by your witty prose.
In the tenth second, your fingers rip loose, vaults of flame fly open,
and volatile reactions break free, destined to strike the orignial
author from all directions.
The hostile comments bombarding the original author don't bother him,
because he is a dweeb.
NOW WILL YOU FLAME CREATIVELY?
english.447dejanr,
Q: What sound does a space turkey make?
A: hubble, hubble, hubble.
english.448dejanr,
[original, written by me late 1988. Not published, although shown to
perhaps a half dozen people and posted where about 2 dozen people
could read it]
-Dick King king@reasoning.com
In the beginning, swordfighting duelists fought without ever touching a
glove. The loser died with a big blister on his index finger, and the
winner lived with a big blister on his index finger; this made for ugly
corpses and set a fundamental limit as to how many people a duelist could
kill per month [the accepted number was six]*.
So they started going down to the hardware store and buying an ordinary pair
of leather work gloves. This cut down on the blistering -- some of the
better duelists could then kill as many as a dozen people per month -- but
then, as now, few were truly ambidextrous, and the glove was rather
pointless on the left [or, less commonly, the right] hand.
For a while, they threw them out. When you wanted to challange someone you
shouted "You're about as useful as a left-hand glove**. I challange you to a
duel to the DEATH at dawn tomorrow!". But fathers, having just bought their
sons a $300 dueling foil when they came of age, were loathe to also go out and
buy them a pair of gloves and, on top of that, to throw away half their
investment***. So they grumpily told them "find some use for this". These
sons did; they abbreviated a shout of "You're about as useful as a left-hand
glove." to a slap with a left-hand glove****.
Well, the eons passed. Now there's a store in San Francisco that'll sell a
single glove, made for swordfighting. So I don't feel I'm wasting anything
to not slap the other guy in the face with the non-existant other glove when
I want to arrange some fencing*****.
But that's 'cause I'm a wimp. Everyone knows that San Francisco is mostly
full of fruits, and real men would certainly never shop there, especially in
a store that also sells tights. Real men make their own weapons with
blacksmith's tools, they shun rubber tips******, and they certainly don't
need masks and jackets. So they use gloves from the hardware store,
shunning shops in Shan Franshishco. So they probably still slap each other
in the face with otherwise unused gloves. But I don't know for sure. I
live too close to San Francisco to have ever seen a Real Man.
--------------------
* it also set the same limit on the number of times you could BE killed per
month. This was less of a problem, because most people gave up after two
or three losses.
** left-handed duelists shouted "You're about as useful as a right-hand
glove.", confusing their right-handed enemies greatly
*** except for those lucky fathers of twins, one of each handedness
**** Some historians attribute this shorthand to a deaf-mute duelist
who was trying to develop a sign language sign for "You're about as
useful as a left-hand glove" .
***** It's a good thing. Usually I use the phone or computer mail.
****** And they plug electric weapons into 220-volt lines
english.449dejanr,
The following was given to me by a co-worker. This once again
proves that truth is stranger than fiction, and bad translations
are funniest of all. This pamphlet was included in a sack of RICE.
All spacings, capitalizations, and indentations are as they were
on the pamphlet.
THE RICE QUIZ
What forms part of any meal across seven continents of the
world ? Well, rice, talking of quality Rice ?
Which is the best ?
Pari Brand Rice of course !
Processed and packed by SACHDEVA AND SONS, PARI
BRAND Dehraduni Basmati Rice is gleefully served on dining
tables across the world starting from Middle East , Gulf
Countries , E.E.C. Countries to U.S.A. and of course in
Sophisticated homes all over the world. A top notch foreign
exchang [sic] earner, PARI RICE Exports and Sales have been
record breaking
<drawing of globe with large arrow circling it and many hands
below it. They appear to be waving. >
2. Quality Confidence
Thanks for the purcase [sic] of PARI BASMATI RICE and the
confidence you have reimposed in our product.
No Rice in the world has natural Aroma as PARI BASMATI
RICE, quality wise you can judge how best in our product.
Rice in your hand is of crop year 1988-1989, just harvested,
milled and packed. New crop Rice becomes somewhat mooshy
or may unite together but flavour, Aroma and taste is better than
old Rice.
3. Quality Rice, Thy Name is Pari
PARI STANDS FOR PURITY is processed from Paddy, grown
best qualities and varieties of Paddy seeds, Natural manure is
used in its cultivation, instead of fertilizers and chemicals
commonly used.Paddy is watered from rain,snow fed rivers of
Himalayas and mountains.
Though never a much publicised affair PARI BASMATI RICE
already is a well known brand ! Thanks to its extra-ordinary
quality borne out of..........
* Natural drying under the sun.
* Scientific double cleaning.
* Vitamins preserved in natural form.
* Fumigation to avoid insects borne infections.
* Hygienically packed in 13% moisture controlled.
Polypropylene Bags double sealed.
<drawing of smiling sun either rising or setting over rice paddy>
UNIQUE FEATURES
And on top of it,all has natural nutrition delicious taste and
easy digestibility.
PARI RICE is natural cream to white in colour, full of fragrance
and exceptionally long (6 to 8 mm) grain which grows up to 2.5
times when cooked. Each grain remains separate and rich in
vitamins.
5. Imitations Galore yet Genuine is the Best.
Imitating the best is a world wide racket. So is PARI, but locating
and prosecuting such scoundrels is a long drawn out process.
Your best protection is to buy PARI BASMATI RICE from our
genuine distributors, sub distributors and local Agents.
< drawing of happy woman with small sack of rice, cumulous
clouds and palm trees in background >
6. Bargain Trial Offer
Place a bargain trial order with our dealers, any quantity, be it
1 Kg, 2 kgs, 5 kgs, 10 kgs, or 20 kgs. whatsoever be your choice.
Please hurry up.
We are sure a rendervous [sic] with PARI BASMATI RICE will change
your concept of good Rice. No wonder, if you become a PARI
addict. We just can't help it ! It is so good and becomes your first
choice.
< drawing of woman running towards big sack of rice sitting on
steps of open doorway. Framed in cumulous cloud. >
7. Sorry - Agricultural Product.
We fumigated, cleaned and recleaned so many times before
packing and more or less, READY TO COOK, but 0.001%
fraction in cleaning may be there. As it is agricultural product, so
before cooking, go through and check it.
Sorry for inconvenience, facts we are before you. After
purchasing our PARI RICE, please destroy, tear off all the seals
over Bag.
Please Don't Use
EXTRA ORDINARY, SHINING, GLAZED/
TWINKLED RICE
Reason
HAVING NO FOOD VALUE
Avoid use of pressure cooker to get good results
9. Follow Cooking Instructions.
Method of Cooking
1. Leave rice in plain water to soak for abot [sic] 25-30 minutes before
cooking.
2. Rinse rice and drain off the water.
3. For every cup of rice add 6 cups of water.
4. Add salt to taste, and few drops of fresh lime juice (if possible).
5. Let rice boil for 10-15 minutes till the same become tender.
6. Drain off the excess boiled rice water in separate pan.
You can use this water for soups as some of the vitamins and
richness of rice will be there.
7. Please do not stir the rice at this stage.
8. Leave the pot on gentle heat for about 10 seconds with lid on till
the rice get ready to serve
DON'T STIR OR DISTURB THE RICE
9. Take the pot off the heat. PARI RICE are now ready to serve.
You will find that Long grain PARI RICE after cooking become
needle like and 2 1/2 times larger than their original size and are giving
RICH AROMA AND FRAGRANCE WHICH YOU GET ONLY from
Original Dehraduni PARI Basmati Rice.
"PARI" RICE ARE FULL OF EXTRA AROMA AND DELITE.
Sachdeva's Product
PARI BRAND est un riz basmati de qulite superieure,
produit et prepare en INDE.
Le riz PARI BRAND est cultive selson les methodes
traditionelles sans l'intervention de produits chimiques.
Seche au solcil, il garde ses vitamines et toutes ses
qualites nutrionelles.
Il possede le parfum unique du riz basmati.
A la cuisson la longueur de chaque grain de riz est
multipliee par un facteur de 2.5. Essayez le et vous
serez convaincu de sa tres grande qualite.
Achetez uniquement les sacs doublement scelles.
english.450dejanr,
The Cleveland Browns football team hasn't been doing well lately. The
following photocopy, discovered on a bulletin board somewhere, was no
doubt drafted by bitter fans when the team lost one game 42-0. Or
maybe it was after the coach was fired the following week...
CLEVELAND BROWNS
Football Schedule 1990
----------------------
September 12 Dayton Junior High School
September 19 Cub Scout Troop No. 101
September 26 Ohio Academy for the Blind
October 3 Crippled Childrens' Home
October 17 St. George Home for Wayward Girls
October 21 Girl Scout Troop No. 69
November 1 Ohio V.D. Clinic Post #3
November 7 Akron Boys Choir
November 14 Korean War Amputees
November 21 VA Hospital Polio Patients
Rule Changes From Last Year
---------------------------
1. When playing the polio patients, the Browns must not disconnect any
leg braces.
2. When playing the girl scouts, the Browns must not eat their cookies.
3. When playing the blind academy, the Browns must not hide the
football in their jerseys.
4. When playing the Korean War Amputees, the Browns must not file any
protests about players with one leg being harder to tackle.
Rules the Same as Last Year
---------------------------
1. A Browns touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the
goal-line for all you fans who have never seen one) is still worth
21 points.
2. The Browns will be allowed 27 men on the field at all times.
3. The Browns will be allowed to substitute with band members at any
time during the course of the game.
Name Changes
------------
The Cleveland Browns name will be changed to the Cleveland Tampons,
as they are good for one period only and don't have a second string.
Coaching Changes
----------------
Bud will be replaced by Linda Lovelace. She will no doubt blow a few
but she won't choke on the big ones.
english.451dejanr,
[Ovo je bilo šifrovano ;) ]
Seen today in midtown Manhattan felt-penned in large letters over a
non-functioning toilet bowl somewhat overflowing with solids:
WHO SAYS THERE AIN'T NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH?
english.452zsiz,
A man is dying. His beloved loves are with him. The man is speaking. "I have
loved three things. The first is:
.::IIIIII:::''.
.:IIIIHIHHIHHHII::I:
.IIIIHHHHHHHHHHIIIIMHHI:.
:IIIIHHHHHHHHMMHHIHHIIHHIII:.
.:IHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIHHIHHHIH:I:, CINDY
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..:IHHHHHHHHHHMMMMHHHHHHHIIHHHIHII.
.:IIHHHHHHHMMMMMHHHHMMMHHMHHHHHHHIIII:
.IIHHHMMMMMMMHHMMMHHHMMMHHMHII:HHHII:I.
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MHHHHHI$$$I::::HHHHHHHHHIII:..MMMHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH'
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II:IIHHHI::::MIHHHHHHHHHIII::..MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMHHHHHHHHH'
III:IIIHHI::::IIHHHHHHHHHHII.;MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM:::''''
IIIIIIII::::. HHHHHHHHHHII::
IIIIIII:II:::. 'HHHHHHHHHHHHII:
IIIIIIIII:::::. :HHHHHHHHHHHHII
IIIIIIII:::::::. MHHHHHHHHHHHHI
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IIIIII:::::::::::. MMMMMMHHHHHHH.
IIIIIIII::::::::::. MMMMMMMHHHHH:
IIIIIIIIII::::::::..MMMMMMMMHHHHH.
IIIIIIIIIIIII::::::..MMMMMMMMHHHHH
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HHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII::::IMMMMMMHHHI:.
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HHHHHHIIIIIIIIHHHHHHHHHIMMHHHHHIIHI:.
HHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIHHHHHMMIHHHHHHIIIII:.
HHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIHHHMHHIIHIIHIIII:::.
The second is:
Honey - from the St. Louis TBBS
. ...
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and the third is:
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.:HHMHHI:..,
.::IHHI..IIHHMMMHIHHH:.. ...............Jane
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HMHHHII:'' ''''::IHHMMHMMMMIHHHHHH::. .... . . .. ...:::.
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MMMHHH:: '':::HHHHMHMM' 'HHHHI::::::.... . ..:
MMMIHI:: : :':.MHMHMMM 'HHHH::::.......... .:
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.HMMMMHHH::... .. ..:MMM ....::II.IIMMMHHHMH::::.......
MMMMMMMMMHHH::.. ..::HHMMM' ,:IIIHIIII:IIIHHMMMMMMMMHHH:::.. .
MMMMMMHHHHHIII::. .:HMMYTT:IIIIH:'''':'':''::::IHMMMMHHHH::........
MMMMMMMHHIII::''IHHHIIIIIHHHI:'' '':::.IHMMMMMHHHH::.....
HHHHMMHIIHIIHHHIII::::'''''' '':::IHMMMMHHMHHI:::...
IHII''HHHHIII:'::... .. .... .HHHMMHMMMMHHI::..
HHHHIII:''''':... . ..... :::: .IIHMHHHHHMHHHIMMH:..
II:'':::.. . ....::::::: .::::::IIHHIIIHMHHIIIHHHMMMHHII
.. . . ......::::::::'' IIHHHMHHHHHHHMMMMHHHMMMMMMM
..... ........::::::::::III::IIHHHHHHMHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
..... ..: ..: ......:::::IIHHHHHHHIIIIIHHMMMMMMMMHHMMMMMMHII::'
::. .........::::::::::IIIHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMHHMII::'''
:::::::IIIHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMHHHHHHIIII::'''''''
IHIHIIHHHHMMMMMMHHIII:::::::::::::'''''''''
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH'''''''
HHHIIIIIII''''
*******************************************************************************
english.453zsiz,
A traffic policeman has stoped a speeding car. The driver:
"What is wrong officer, were we going too fast?". The
policeman: "No, Sir, you weren`t driving too fast - just
flying too low!".
english.454zsiz,
Two women are talking and having tea. Sudenly, through the
open window, a flying-saucer zooms into the room. The guest
is startked and drops her tea-cup. The host is imperturbed
and says: " That`s one of the inconvencieces of living in
such a high flat."
english.455zsiz,
Two Scopts in kilts meet on the street. The first Scot is
wearing a mini-kilt. He explains to his baffled kinsman:
" My wife insists I keep up with the trend!".
english.456zsiz,
A patient is on the operating table. Two surgeons are beside
the table while one is lying under the operating table and is
opearting the patent. One of the surgeons says, in a whisper,
to the other surgeon: " He used to work in a garage".
english.457dejanr,
I found this warning on a small utility knife in MIT's lab supply:
Caution. Blade is sharp. Keep out of children.
english.458dejanr,
A bum got on a subway car. He smelled of cheap women and cheap wine. He was
dirty and had a porno magazine in his pocket. When he got in he sat down
next to a priest and started reading the newspaper. After a few minutes,
he asked the priest how a person got arthritis. The priest replied that you
got arthritis be drinking too much, being with cheap women, not washing and
reading smut. The bum said oh, okay. After a few minutes, the priest started
to feel guilty and turned to the bum and apoligized for snapping at him and
asked him why he wanted to know. The bum said that he read that the Pope had
arthritis.
english.459zsiz,
A dog steps on a balance with a plaque "SPEAKS YOUR WEIGHT".
The loudspeaker spits out: "WOOF WOOF-WOOF WOOF".
english.460zsiz,
In a cell two jailbirds are talking. The first says: " I
didn`t get as far as the jeweller`s window - the cops caught
me pinching a brick!".
english.461zsiz,
A man walks past the Rangers` dressing room. He is has a hat
with the Rovers` colours and Rovers written on it. He has
trousers in Rovers` colours. On his lapel he has Rovers
badge. Around his neck he has a shawl with Rovers` colours.
Two Rangers` players are looking at the man and frowning. One
of them says: "Hey - isn`t that the ref?".
english.462zsiz,
A knight in armour is tucking into a sumpuous lunch. The look
on his face belies that he is enjoying his lunch. After a few
minutes he says: "Food just doesn`t taste the same in a tin!"
english.463zsiz,
Pipaya - " Do fish have good eyesight? "
Dyan - " Well, I`ve never seen one wearing glasses! "
english.464zsiz,
Popaya - " What are hailstones "
Hraks - " Hard-boiled raindrops "
english.465zsiz,
Deyan - " What sort of boat would you use to shoot rapids "
Alexy - " A gunboat "
english.466zsiz,
Alux - " What kind of leather makes the best shoes? "
Hroks - " I don`t know, but banana skins make the best
slippers! "
english.467dejanr,
{ed Please folks, no more trek parodies.}
And now, in further more reasonably exciting continuation of
the Parody of the Month Club's Star Trek season, we follow with the
second part of Star Trek the Degeneration - Encounter at Centrepoint.
======================================================================
We left the plot with Commander William Stryker having just seen
the plot summary on the holo-viewer, and docked the Enterprise
manually. He now strides with great purpose toward Captain Pickaxe's
cabin.
"Enter."
"Hardly a run of the mill happening, sir."
"Nonsense - I go in and out of doors all the time."
"I meant the encounter with Q, sir."
"Hmm, yes, of course you did. By the way, congratulations on the
docking - a routine maneuver, but you carried it out with a minimal
special effects budget. Would you mind if I asked you a few
questions?"
"Not at all sir - after all, you are the captain."
"So, a Captain's rank means nothing to you?"
"No sir, you're reading the wrong bit of the script - there's
several lines before we get to that bit."
"Oh, yes, hmm, first question then Mr Stryker - what is a
Shakespearian actor like myself doing acting in a space-bound farce
like this?"
"Permission to speak candidly, sir?"
"Always."
"The producers needed something to justify the amount of money we
spend on each episode, so they hired a bald Englishman to play a
Frenchman and add some culture."
"If they wanted culture, they could have hired yoghurt."
"Maybe so, sir, but they didn't want anything to out-act the rest
of the cast. Except the scenery, of course."
"Second question - you refused to let your previous Captain to beam
down to Thestus four - Why?"
"Because I had to watch after the ratings on such a dangerous
planet."
"He sent ordinary red-jersey personnel down to Thestus four?"
"No sir, not that sort of ratings - I was trying for 'most popular
hero in a hazardous alien environment' award, and I wasn't going to
let the Captain hog all my glory."
"So a Captain's rank means nothing to you?"
"On the contrary, sir - I think my personal ratings would soar if I
were a Captain. Besides, the special effects were too dangerous for a
man of his age."
"I see. In that case, I'd appreciate it if you'd use that same
sense of self-grandisement and preservation of senior citizens to stop
me from doing that which I am most prone to."
"What, being an ass with children?"
"No, I mean to stop me surrendering my ship every time we meet the
Ferengi. Now go and find Data, and take it down to Denim 4. See if
you can find something that we can shoot Q with."
Stryker turns and heads off to the bridge. We accompany him,
courtesy of the shaky cameraman with him.
"Mr Rowf - where is Commander Data?"
"He's escorting a visiting admiral back to the Hood. They're
taking the shuttle craft."
"Why don't they teleport across?"
"I don't know, sir - it never seemed to bother the Admiral when he
was with Kirk. Still, he is a remarkably crotchety old codger.
According to Federation Records, he's been that way for the last
hundred and thirty four years."
"But Admiral, I don't see why you couldn't just beam across to the
Hood." (I hope you noticed the scene shift there - we're now walking
down one of the Enterprise's interminable twisty little corridors, all
alike)
"You got any reason why you want my atoms scattered from here to
kingdom come, boy?"
"Would a deeply ingrained hatred of bigoted medics do as a reason?
Besides, I would have thought that at your age..."
"How old do you think I am?"
"One hundred thirty five years six months twenty four days six
hours and thirty seven minutes, according to Federation Records.
You're Gemini, and you were born in the year of the pig. Your
favourite music is by Stock Aitken and Waterman, you have practically
no brains, and your wrinkly make-up is only narrowly less convincing
than the wig you wore in Star Trek V."
"How d'you know all that, boy? Ah don't see no pointy ears."
"I beg your pardon, sir?"
"Ah said, AH DON'T SEE NO POINTY EARS! Whole lot of green make-up
and some fluorescent contact lenses, yes, but no pointy ears."
"I fail to see the connection, sir."
"You're sure you ain't a Vulcan?"
"No sir, I am an android - a perfect replica of a human being,
except for the brain, the skin, the eyes, and certain bodily parts
out of proportion."
"Almost as bad."
"I thought the Vulcans were viewed as a civilised and honorable
race."
"They are, but they're downright annoying - give 'em some pointy
ears, they think they can direct movies. How much further is the
shuttle bay, anyway?"
"Another six lines of script away, sir. It's a far bigger
Enterprise than you're used to."
"So how come the turbo-lifts can still only fit three people? But
never mind - she's got the right name - you remember that. Treat her
like a lady, she'll always bring you home."
"How come you made it every episode?"
Another scene-shift now, as we move on board the bridge of the
Enterprise, where Jean-Luc Pickaxe has just arrived.
"Did you signal the Hood?"
"Yes Captain - your exact words - 'My dog has no nose.'"
"And what was his reply?"
"You're wasting time, Captain." the basso profundi along with a
standard echo effect on the voice heralds the arrival of Q.
"Ha! I knew it! He's forgotten the punchline again!"
"No, mon capitaine - 'tis I, your erstwhile antagonist."
The entire cast swing round to face the viewer where Q's face has
appeared. He is wearing a charming little black snood, and his best
mean expression.
"Mr Rowf - put down your gun. Would you shoot the viewer screen?"
"I'm a Klingon sir - what did you expect?"
"Oh excellent, my dear captain - your species is living up to my
best hopes."
"In case you hadn't noticed, Q, he's a Klingon - the only one on
this ship with the back-combed forehead. We only keep him here to get
around the Commission for Racial Equality."
"Very well captain, but be warned - you have only twelve more hours
to solve this mystery, or your lives are forfeit." and with an evil
cackle, his image fades away.
Calm is once more restored to the bridge, and Pickaxe makes his way
down to the teleport bay. Along the way, he picks up Commander
Stryker.
"Commander Stryker, I want you to accompany the away team on this
mission. I'll introduce you to the other members of the team in a
moment. For now, I want you to meet the ship's councillor, Day'n'a
Night."
As if by magic, as they turn the corner, the woman is standing
there. It's very easy to hit your cues when you're telepathic.
A mysterious disembodied voice rings out across the corridor: "Do
you remember what I taught you all those years ago?"
Stryker says nothing, but a dopey smile plays across his face.
"We've met before, Captain."
"I'm not surprised, Stryker - she seems to be on intimate terms
with anything in trousers. Now, come with me to Grappler Zorn's
residence - we wish to discuss whether they can offer Green Shield
Stamps or not."
Another scant scene-change later, and we find ourselves in the
Grappler's dingy little hole.
"Grappler Zorn, we are very impressed with the speed with which you
have built this space station. We feel we have much to learn from
your techniques."
"Well, our methods are simple - we have good engineers, we design
our structures well, and any illegal aliens we can find work like
buggery for next to nothing. We modeled that bit on your own system
of a few centuries ago."
"Agreed, Grappler, but you've used construction materials and
methods we can't even begin to guess at. We would like to ask your
engineers to explain them to the boffins at Star Fleet Headquarters."
"I'm sorry Captain, but we Bandy are very simple folk - we do not
enjoy leaving our home world."
"Not even on a visiting lectureship basis?"
"Captain, you are asking an awful lot of awkward questions, and the
plot really isn't advancing. I could sell this station to other
interested parties with less complicated scripts - the Ferengi for
instance..."
Zorn is cut off by a slight whimper from Day'n'a.
"What is it, Councillor?"
"Do you want me to say in front of the Grappler, sir?"
"Of course, we have no secrets here. Do we, Grappler?"
"Discounting one super-powerful alien being on each side, no
secrets that I know of."
"Very well, sir." Day'n'a's face contorts in a desperate attempt to
avoid method acting. "I feel a great pain, anguish, despair..." her
voice pans out gradually.
"Loss?"
"Yes, loss, and ... desolation, and sadness, disappointment,
disillusionment, unhappiness, distrust, and - and - um - and - well,
thingy."
"Thank you Day'n'a - stop padding your parts any more than that.
Is it one of the Grappler's people?"
"No sir - it's much bigger than that. Whatever it is feels deep
resentment, loss, loneliness..."
"We'd better teleport up to the Enterprise for a new dictionary."
Aboard the Enterprise once more, Beverly Crusher is examining Jordi
la Farce. To be more precise, she's examining the bit of gold-painted
corrugated cardboard through which he pretends to see. She hands it
back to Jordi, who fits it into the retaining bolts either side of his
head. Shades of Frankenstein there, hmm?
"Like you say, doc - it's a fascinating piece of engineering - they
spray a piece of cardboard with gold paint, and immediately I can see
the whole e-m spectrum, infra-red, X-ray, ultra-violet - you wouldn't
believe how much I can see of that cute blonde in securi...ACKK!"
"Shame it's not 360 degree vision, eh Jordi?"
"Urgle, gack ickle hi, Nasher."
"Hi yourself - you're to come with us on the away team."
"Sure - what we playing? Basketball or football?"
Meanwhile, Stryker is once more on his eternal quest for Data. He
stops a grinning flunky - the only walk-on part with a voice.
"Excuse me - could you tell me where I might find Commander Data?"
"Yes sir - you must be new to this series."
"We all are - this is the pilot episode."
"No, sir - I mean this series of space craft - the Galaxy series.
Simply press the panel here and ask the computer. Like this.
COMPUTER!!! TELL ME THE LOCATION OF COMMANDER DATA." she yells.
"One chicken soup coming up, Dave."
"Excuse me, sir, the computer's on loan from another series. We're
just ironing out the bugs. COMPUTER, IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHERE THAT
ANDROID IS, YOU'RE GOING TO BE STARING DOWN THE BOTTOM OF YOUR
BIT-BUCKET FOR THE NEXT TWENTY YEARS."
"All my circuits are functioning normally, Dave - I suggest that if
you have any problems dealing with computers, you should talk to
Commander Data."
"WHERE THE HELL IS HE THEN, COMPUTER?"
"That sentence does not compute, Dave - I suggest you query
Commander Data as to the correct syntax."
"I'll kill that fardling computer one of these days."
"Correct syntax, Dave - Commander Data is on the holo-deck. Please
follow the bouncing ball, and sing along when it bounces on the
words."
A panel lights up along the wall, and as Stryker follows it, the
bouncing ball keeps pace with him. Two choruses of 'Follow The Yellow
Brick Road' later, and he stands before the door marked HOLODECK. The
door opens with its customary hiss, and Stryker is momentarily
silhouetted against a bad Chromakey of Kew Gardens, before the camera
angle changes and we find him troggling through lush vegetation. A
badly out-of-tune whistling is what finally leads him to Commander
Data, who is sat against a tree trying to whistle a nursery rhyme.
Stryker assists in the final verse, attracting Data's attention.
"Amazing."
"What is?"
"The way humans do that so easily."
"What, whistle?"
"No, remind you how badly out of tune you are."
"Never mind that - you're coming with me and the rest of the away
team - we need to examine Farpoint, and your analytical abilities are
needed, along with your logical mind. Without a Vulcan, you're the
next best thing. Shame you're an android, really."
"That's another thing I hate about humans - they're so prejudiced.
Unlike us machines."
As they walk towards the exit, the discussion ranges on to such
topics as how the holo-deck works. It's important to remember this,
because it leads to an explanation of why the holo-deck is used for so
many of the future episodes. I'll skip over it, and carry on to the
bit where a loud noise reaches the two officers - a noise that chills
their very corpuscles.
"Oh no - Wesley's found us."
"Hey, Wesley, come an join us - the stepping stones are the safest
route!"
"Yeah, especially the middle one - it's very stable - bounce up and
down on it for a while."
The inevitable happens, and cheers break out around the audience as
they finally notice that Wesley is in a life-threatening situation.
"Hey, we've finally found out how to get rid of Wesley!"
"Yeah, but who are they going to replace him with?"
"According to Star Fleet Records, they're going to use one of
Esther Ranzen's 'Children of Courage'."
"You'd better fish Wesley out then."
Data bounds over to the stones, leaping with a grace and speed only
available to androids with Air-Wear soles. He reaches Wesley just as
the little sucker is about to go under for the third time, and hauls
him out of the water with one hand. Wesley shows suitable admiration.
"Wow! Pee Wee Herman!"
"Come on - we'd better get you out of here before you start
climbing the fake trees."
Outside in the corridor, Wesley and Stryker meet Captain Pickaxe,
who takes one look at Wesley before showing how good he's become with
children.
"Get that out of here - I will not tolerate drips on my spaceship."
"I guess I'd better find a towel, sir."
"Don't bother - just climb into a torpedo tube and press the red
button."
The away team has finally been assembled, and is beamed down to
Farpoint. Underneath the marketplace is where we find them, having
decided that nothing of interest was happening on the surface.
"Jordi, can you make any sense out of these corridors?"
"No sir - they're made out of nothing I've ever seen before, or
even heard of."
"In that case, I suggest you borrow the video library's copy of
Aliens. Day'n'a, what do you sense?"
"I've tried not to open my mind, sir - the emotions are very
strong."
"Please, I'd like you to open it."
"Very well sir, but only one end."
For a woman who appears to have had an intimate relationship with
Stryker, how come she's so formal towards him?
"What do you feel now?"
"Loneliness, longing, despair - should I go on?"
"No - they'll think we sell thesauri. Let's head for the Bandy
city."
Back on the bridge of the Enterprise, things are proceeding fairly
normally. There is a soft 'ping', and the turbo-lift doors open. Bev
Crusher strides onto the bridge for some reason that I can't quite
remember.
"Dr Crusher - I believe I made it clear that no children were to be
allowed on the bridge."
"Yes, Captain, but you will notice that Wes is not actually on the
bridge - he's cowering in the turbo-lift."
"Maybe, but you will notice that he has his hand on the 'Open Door'
button, which not only ties up the turbo-lift at this level, but also
means that we have to listen to an unending stream of lift music. If
he must stay at this floor, get him out of the lift please."
"Onto the bridge, sir? Wow!" and with a grin usually reserved for
stoned idiots, Wesley leaps onto the bridge.
"Care to try the captain's chair, Wes?"
"Gee, can I? Huh, huh, can I? Huh?"
"Yes, Wesley. Now, these buttons here control armament and
shields, this panel is my communications centre, this one monitors
life support, and these ..."
"... control the vending machines and Space Invader games."
A red light starts flashing, and Wesley starts punching buttons.
"Leave those alone. You don't know what they do."
"Yes I do - they're the scanner controls."
"Oh, is that what they do? So, what's the problem?"
"Perimeter alert, sir. Shall I shoot it?"
"No, Rowf - leave it alone - put it on the viewer, full
magnification. If you really do want something to shoot at, use the
kid for target practice if he touches anything other than the
turbo-lift buttons on his way out."
The ship appears on the viewer as Wesley skids into the turbo-lift.
"Sir, sensors indicate it's modeled on an ELO album cover. Can I
shoot it now?"
"No, Rowf - leave it alone."
"Sir, sensors indicate we were just scanned. Now can I shoot it,
huh? please? huh? huh?"
"Retaliatory action, Rowf - scan them back."
"Aww, not even a tiny photon torpedo, huh?"
"Shut up Rowf - we don't want Q to hear."
"Hear what, mon capitaine? Go on Rowf, shoot the alien git!"
"Ignore him, Rowf. Carry on scanning."
"Sir, sorry to be repetitive, but sensors indicate it's firing on
the Bandy city. Can we join in?"
"Rowf, please try to be civilised. Lock the phasors on the ship.
Start broadcasting standard message to that ship."
"Standard message? You mean 'We surrender' in all major
languages?"
"That's the one. Now put me in contact with the away team."
"Stryker here, captain. The Bandy city's being shot at."
"Yes, we know - see if you can find the Grappler and kidn- I mean,
rescue him. Bring him aboard when you find him."
"Yes sir. Come on Data - run towards the Chromakey backdrop of the
city."
A quick change of scenery later, and we are once again in the
Grappler's pad. The Grappler himself is crouched underneath his desk,
muttering incoherently. Stryker and Data arrive and approach him with
phasors set on Stun.
[Design note on phasors - all the settings are marked Stun. There
are small signs of previous marks having been scratched out, all of
which read 'Kill'.]
"Grappler Zorn, you're coming with us."
"No, please, no - it wasn't me - I didn't do it - it was somebody
else - probably the Ferengi - yes, that was it - the Ferengi - those
Vulcanoids with the cauliflower ears - they did it. Eep!"
And with this last, he disappears completely from view.
"Data, did you say 'One to beam up'?"
"No sir, did you?"
"Not that I recall. Stryker to Enterprise - did you just beam
somebody up?"
"Crackle no, crackle crackle Q crackle crackle teapot."
"In which case two to beam up."
Back on the bridge, Q is beginning to really get on Captain
Pickaxe's nerves.
"Q, if you have no sensible comments to make, will you please get
out of the way. And stop doing that - those security guards are
expensive."
"Okay, you want a sensible comment, try teleporting some of your
people over onto that ship."
"I cannot do that - we don't know what it's like - our scanners
can't get through the exo-shell."
"Sir, with your permission, I'd like to take an away team across
there."
"Very well, Commander Stryker - make your way with Day'n'a, Data
and Yar to the teleport bay. Now, buzz off, Q."
The scene changes to the alien ship. Well, actually, it's the set
used for the tunnels under the Bandy city, which is rather useful in
saving on scenery construction costs.
"Same construction as the tunnels under the Bandy city."
"Yes, we were running short of money. Day'n'a, why have you got
that idiot grin on your face?"
"Sir, I feel great happiness, tremendous satisfaction, enormous
glee, big fun, large enjoyment..."
"Can we do that without the thesaurus?"
"Whose is the satisfaction? One of the ship's crew?"
"Sort of - it's coming from all around - I think it's the ship in
general. Oh, and one other thing - the Grappler's ahead, and he's
pretty narked about something."
The team jog around the corner, into a section which looks
surprisingly like the corridor they just left, but from a different
camera angle. In the middle of the corridor, Grappler Zorn appears to
be perfecting his levitation trick. Four feet above the floor, he is
writhing in the grip of an ominous nebulous something. His screams
echo around the corridor.
"No, ah, no, please, no, don't - please, don't tickle me any more!"
Setting their phasors to stun, Data and Stryker fire on the ominous
nebulous something. The Grappler immediately falls floorwards, where
he bounces off a conveniently placed crash-mat.
"Enterprise, five to beam over."
Back on the bridge, the plot is explained for the thickies.
"Broadcast to the planet to evacuate the Farpoint space station."
"Yes sir. Immediately, sir."
"And Lieutenant Yar, rig the phasor banks to deliver an energy
beam."
"Oh yes, just like that, sir."
"Why not? If that kid can change a tractor beam into a repulsor
field to destroy several billion megaboodles worth of starship, surely
you can change an aggressive plasma beam weapon into a pleasing purple
energy source. Now, fire it on the Farpoint burger bar."
The Farpoint space-station, looking rather like an overgrown
drawing pin (thumb tack for the American amongst you), shimmers
delicately, as the energy beam hits it. It melts almost convincingly
into an amorphous blob of glowing white.
"Sir, the space station is not absorbing any more energy. Shall I
stop the beam?"
"No Yar, we're going to drain the entire batteries of the
Enterprise. What do you think, huh?"
"Yes sir, sorry sir, no need for sarcasm, sir."
The amorphous blob gradually lifts itself free from the planetary
surface. At the same time, the alien ship starts glowing, and unfolds
itself. The two glowing blobs finally show some signs of form, in the
shape of celestial jellyfish. As they meet one another, tentative
tentacles reach out and meet in a soft (albeit squishy) caress.
Everyone watching barfs gently as the only romantic part of the movie
is revealed to involve two alien life-forms with about as much
sex-appeal as one of Calvin's packed lunches. As they float off into
the distance hand in hand in hand in hand in hand (or rather, flobby
organ in flobby organ...), Day'n'a speaks somebody else's mind.
"Sir, I have a feeling of immense gratitude, great thanks,
enormous appreciation..."
"What, that we've given them the energy to go off into the unknown
together?"
"No sir, they're pleased that this parody is finally finished."
======================================================================
Well, that's that - hope you enjoyed it all.
Cheerio!
P.S. One last thing - I noticed an eery tendency during writing this
file to try and kill off Wesley Crusher. Is it just me, or does
everyone feel this way?
english.468dejanr,
Seen in Herb Caen's column in today's San Francisco Chronicle:
Q: "How many members of the coalition forces does it take to screw in
a light bulb?"
A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."
english.469dejanr,
The following are possible new shows being considered for network TV.
Doggie Bowser, MD - The story of a brilliant 5 year old Springer Spaniel
that becomes a brain surgeon.
Wheel of Torture - A gameshow where the blond hostess is spun on a giant
wheel, while contestants earn prizes by hurling large sharp edged letters
at her to spell words.
Murry Brownose - The laugh-a-minute escapades of a young TV reporter who
tries his best to break into the big time by sucking up to the bosses.
Cutie and the Priest - The story of an impossible yet inspiring love-bond
between a cocktail waitress and a poetry reciting bearded clergyman.
Herald O. Revealer - An obnoxious TV personality will break into randomly
selected homes and show on live TV what shocking things people keep in
their closets.
Carlos in Charge - A weekly sitcom about a ruthless yet sensitive
Columbian drug-lord and his two daughters.
This Old Louse - A do-it-yourself show aimed at women who want to improve
the appearence and habits of their husbands.
Married, with Hemorrhoids - A light hearted look at marital life after
age 40.
China Bitch - A drama series centered around the life of a dedicated,
lesbian Vietnam War nurse.
Murder, She Rewrote - A murder-mystery series about a rich, elderly woman
who cleverly solves crimes by using the same script over and over each
week changing only the names.
english.470dejanr,
[Comment on the recent plunge in Unisys stock value]
2
So that's what they mean by the power of .
-Steve Jobs
english.471dejanr,
A Brit and a Scot where standing on a corner talking when an Irishman walked
up. "You know what" said the Irishman, "I just went into that pub over there,
ordered a pint, played some darts and when I walked out of the pub the barman
said to me to pay up. So I told him I paid when I got my pint, the barman did
nothing to me, so I got a free drink!". The Brit like the ideal so much he
went into the pub and did the same thing the Irishman did. The Brit came out
and told the Irishman and the Scot that the barman gave him no trouble either.
So the Scot decides to try this. He walks into the bar and orders a pint.
As he continues to talk to the barman, the barman mentioned the two blokes
who walked out without paying. The Scot asked the barman why he did nothing.
The barman said "We'll I'm not looking for trouble" The Scot replied, "Well
it's getting late, If you give me my change I'll be heading home"
english.472dejanr,
[ News-Flash: at the UN today ]
Officials at the United Nations have announced that a
choice parcel of real estate will soon be unoccupied,
and will be available to become an official homeland
for a Palestinian state. Eviction proceedings against
the current occupant have already begun, and are now
expected to be completed shortly.
According to the UN spokesperson; the parcel, situated
between Kuwait and Syria, may be condsidered to be an
ideal location for the foundation of a homeland for a
Palestinian State.
Officials from the PLO and other Palestinian support
organizations were not available for comment.
english.473dejanr,
Two old men are comparing their sex lives:
Man 1: I can still do it twice!
Man 2: Which time do you enjoy the most?
Man 1: I think the winter.
english.474dejanr,
Recently one of my friends was complaining about being bored stiff with
the daily routine. So here's my own solution to the problem.
*abhijit
----
Top 10 Ways to Combat Boredom (with apologies to David Letterman)
10. Design and implement Ada++
9. Start a campaign to move the Grand Canyon out of Arizona
8. Yell nasty things to friendly neighborhood gangsters while jogging at 3 am
7. Make obscene phone calls to 1-900-FONE-SEX
6. Get to know the inside of your nose
5. Play tackle football with the Eagles' defensive line
4. Suggest new alliances with Middle Eastern terrorist states to President
Bush
3. Practise ventriloquism by saying `Hit me' at blackjack tables in Las Vegas
2. Research material for term paper `The Musical Genius of Milli Vanilli'
1. Ponder on the question that has stumped philosophers for years:
`What makes teflon stick to the frying pan?'
english.475dejanr,
"Do you surrender?"
"I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO FIGHT!"
"Yeah, we noticed. That's why we asked."
english.476dejanr,
There were three pious monks. These monks were so pious, in fact, that
the head abbott decided one day to reward their devotion by granting
them each one day of sin, on the condition that they confess their
activities to him at the end of the day.
So, the day cometh, and the three monks go off into the night to indulge
in all manner of sin.
The first monk saunters in at 1:00 in the morning, and tries to sneak
upstairs to bed. But the head abbott, who was waiting up for the three,
stopped him and demanded that he relate his doings.
"No, head abbott," the first monk said, "it's too evil for me to admit!"
"The deal was for you to tell me everything you did, otherwise you
will not receive absolution!" said the abbott.
So the first monk agreed to tell what he did. "I - I - I drank! And I did
all manner of drugs! And I smoked tea bags and old polyester ties, and I
snorted coffee whitener...."
"Enough!" said the head abbott, enraged. "Those are evil sins, but I
promised to forgive you. Go out back, drink some Holy Water, say some
prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning."
The first monk thankfully went off to follow the abbott's instructions.
The second monk wanders in at 2:00 AM. "What did you do last night?" demanded
the head abbott.
"I can't say! I't much too evil!"
"The agreement was that you must tell me everything you did!"
"Okay," agreed the second monk. "I had all manner of sex. I had sex with
young girls, young boys, small furry quadrupeds, large species of flora,
my CD player..."
"Enough!" cried the head abbott. "That is a truly great sin. But I
promised to give you absolution. Go out back and drink some Holy Water.
Then say some prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning."
The second monk sauntered off to do just that.
And the third and final monk crawls in at 3:00 in the morning.
"What," asks the head abbott, "did you do this evening?"
"No, head abbott, it's too great a sin to admit. I cannot tell!"
"The agreement, monk! You must tell me!"
The third monk bowed his head and nodded. "All right, head abbott. Last
night I...I..."
"Yes?"
"I pissed in the Holy Water."
Ray Deonandan
RAY@BIOVISION.TORONTO.EDU
english.477ivantod,
The next time you write a
journal paper
The following phrases, frequently found in scientific writing, are
defined here for your education and enlightment. This list was created by
an unknown genius who evidently had read one too many scientific papers.
* It has long been known = I haven't bothered to look up the original
reference.
* Of great theoretical and practical importance = Interesting to me.
* While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these
questions = The experiments didn't work out, but I figured I could get
publicity out of it.
* Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study = The results of
others didn't make sense and were ignored.
* Typical results are shown = The best results are shown.
* Presumably at longer times = I didn't take the time to find out.
* Results will be reported at a later date = I might get around to it
sometime.
* It is believed that... = I think that...
* It is generally believed that... = A couple of other guys think so too.
* It might be argued that... = I have such a good answer to this
objection that I shall raise it.
* It is clear that much additional work will be required before a
complete understanding = I don't understand it.
* Thanks are due to Joe Glotz for assistance with the experiment and to
Sam Crud for valuable discussions = Glotz did the work and Crud explained
to me what it meant.
Reprinted from IEEE Aerospace and Electronic Systems
Vol. AES-23, No. 5
english.478dejanr,
Vanilla -- Unix version 7
Plain ol' ice cream.
Chocolate -- AT&T System V
Too rich for some.
Strawberry -- BSD 4.2
Very pink.
Neapolitan -- AIX
What happens when you put all three in the same box.
Rocky Road -- A/UX
Sorta chocolate with lumps.
Ice Milk -- Xenix
Not even as good as vanilla.
Frozen Yogurt -- Mach
It looks and tastes the same as ice cream, but someone will claim it's
better for you, even though there's no real evidence to support that
claim.
Italian Ice -- David Cheriton's V kernel
Hard, minimalist dessert.
Tofutti -- MINIX
An ice cream-like substitute.
Mousse -- OS/2
Sorta looks like ice cream, until you taste it: then you realize it's
not the same thing at all.
Jell-O brand pudding -- Windows 3.0
Cheap mousse.
Custard -- Macintosh
Fancy pudding.
Creme Brulee -- Macintosh System 7.0
Custard with a solid base.
english.479dejanr,
[ Note: This has a humungous amount of included text.
Please cut this to the minimum in followups. ]
giua@ecse.rpi.edu (Alessandro Giua) wrote:
(in soc.culture.british, soc.culture.french, and trial.soc.culture.italian)
| Since some people have already started a multilingual battle across the
| network and particularly in trial.soc.culture.italian, we have thought that
| it may be interesting to start a thesaurus of expressions, names, etc. that
| are being used in each language: if flames have to be written, let them be
| done in style and so that everybody can understand them regardless of the
| country of origin. Let us not be mistaken; this is not a call for a flaming
| crusade, but merely an attempt at collecting multicultural (European) idioms.
| [...] We have compiled below a brief listing of such idioms in English/
| Italian/French, and we encourage our readers to contribute with other
| colorful or spicy expressions they may know, trying to find their
| counterparts in other languages.
Seems to me like this could be useful here - can we have the most idiomatic
versions of these in Turkish, Greek, Armenian and, now it's legal, Kurdish?
I am told "wanker" also works in Greek as it does in English, but I don't
know the word for it. And how about "your mother wears army boots"? (We
don't need multilingual versions of "fuck your mother", unless there's a
truly original thing one of these cultures suggests doing with your mum...)
Turkish seems to be one up on everybody else by having a special tense ending
just for insults.
| *********************************************************************
| The Classics:
| --------------
| E: Now get lost.
| I: Perdirti.
| F: Va te faire/pendre voir ailleurs.
| E: Now leave us alone.
| I: Mollaci.
| F: Fiches-nous la paix maintenant.
| E: You have no class.
| I: Sei un grezzo.
| F: Quel mal e'leve'.
| E: I'll show you what (kind of mettle) I am made of.
| I: Ti faccio vedere io di che pasta son fatto.
| F: Tu vas voir de quel bois je me chauffe.
| The Trivials:
| --------------
| E: Cretin.
| I: Cretino.
| F: Cretin.
| E: Wimp.
| I: Larva umana.
| F: Larve rampante. [*]
| E: Dumb.
| I: Imbecille.
| F: Imbecile, Creme d'imbecile.
| E: Idiot.
| I: Idiota.
| F: Idiot du village, Ravi.
| E: Donkey.
| I: Pezzo di somaro.
| F: Espece d'ane.
| E: Stubborn.
| I: Sei ostinato come un mulo.
| F: Tete de lard. Tete de mule.
| E: Bird brain.
| I: Cervello di gallina.
| F: Cervelle de moineau.
| E: Dense.
| I: Balosso.
| F: Nigaud, lourdaud, tachon, niaiseux.
| E: You're bullshitting.
| I: Stai dicendo fregnacce. (romanesco)
| F: Tu m'escagace. (typiquement meridional!)
| The Distinctives:
| -----------------
| E: And may the rest of your teeth rot before Christmas. [*]
| I: E possano i tuoi denti marcire prima di Natale.
| F: Et que ton dentier pourisse avant Noel. [*]
| E: May your children have faces of baboons. [*]
| I: Ti possano venire dei figli con la faccia da babbuini.
| F: Puisse ta progeniture avoir une tete de babouin. [*]
| E: You drank your brain. [*]
| I: Tu ti sei bevuto il cervello.
| F: Tu as la cervelle en compote.
| E: Go and drink some broth. [*]
| I: Vatti a bere un brodo.
| F: Va te faire cuire un oeuf.
| E: War crazy. [*]
| I: Scemo di guerra.
| F: Fou de guerre. [*]
| E: It's fruit time for you. [*]
| I: Oramai sei alla frutta. (gergo paninaro ?) [%]
| F: Tu en es aux fruits. [*]
| E: You're full of hot air.
| I: Pallone gonfiato.
| F: Tu me gonfles.
| E: He hasn't invented hot water/the cheese cutter. [*]
| I: Ha scoperto l'acqua calda.
| F: Il n'a pas invente l'eau chaude/le fil a couper le beurre
| E: I wasn't born yesterday.
| I: Non sono nato ieri.
| F: Je ne suis pas ne de la derniere pluie.
| E: You're pedalling in the semolina. [*]
| I: Tu ciurli nel manico.
| F: Tu pedales dans la semoule.
| E: You're keeping your nose clean.
| I: Ti stai pulendo il naso. [*]
| F: Tu gardes les mains propres.
| E: You're keeping your head above water.
| I: Annaspi. [*]
| F: Tu gardes la tete au-dessus de l'eau. [*]
| E: You're timid as a shrew/mouse.
| I: Sei un po' timido.
| F: Tu la joues pepere/petit bras.
| [*] Expression for which we did not find a direct equivalent.
| [%] According to a well established etiquette, the italian meal is
| composed of the following courses:
| antipasto, primo, secondo, contorno, formaggio, dolce, frutta.
| Hence the meaning: you are arteriosclerotic.
english.480dejanr,
This reached me by email, after several forwardings. Earliest From
is TLE::DIEWALD (at DEC?) and early subject line was
"Making the rounds at Dupont..."
The order of channel-hopping is NBC, ABC, CBS, and CNN. At each commercial,
unless otherwise indicated by further rules, the channel is changed.
If you hear someone on TV say "scud," take a swig of beer and change
the channel except during scud attacks (see below).
If someone says "Patriot," everyone in the room must salute. The last
person to salute takes a shot.
If a scud attack is reported, everyone must hold their breath. The first
person to breathe must go to a sealed room while everyone else takes a shot.
That player remains in the room until the "all clear" is sounded.
If someone says "somewhere in eastern Saudi Arabia" everyone must shout
"Dhahran." The last person takes a shot and must forego the next "scud."
The same applies for shouting "Riyadh" upon hearing the phrase "a large
airbase in central Saudi Arabia." Anyone naming the wrong city must
also take a shot unless they shout "Taif" before they are called on the
error.
Whenever Wolf Blitzer appears on the screen, everyone must shout
"woof woof" and drink a wine spritzer.
A shot of Kahlua and coffee is kept on the table. Whenever the phrase
"ground war," "ground assault," or "ground attack" are used, the first
person to grab the shot gets it.
Every time Dan Rather says something stupid, all shout "change the
channel." The last person to do so takes a shot and is forced to watch CBS
on another TV until the next "scud." I realize that this one is a judgement
call, but the odds are that it won't be long before he says something
stupid anyway. Of course, if Sam Donaldson is on ABC, change the channel.
english.481dejanr,
I heard this from my brother, who is a Search and Rescue pilot at Canadian
Forces Base Bagotville, Quebec. It's an apocryphal story that allegedly
happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:
Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over <such-and-such> beacon".
Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! _I'm_ holding at 3000 over
that beacon!"
(brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."
english.482dejanr,
I put this message on my machine during the baseball season. In the
background is the sound effect of a cheering crowd at a baseball game.
"We're back at Wrigley Field for this, the final game of the 1990 baseball
season. the Cubs and Mets are tied for first, whoever wins this game takes
home the National League Eastern Division championship. We're in the 9th
inning, Cubs trailing 2-1, but they have Shawon Dunston on third with two
outs. Coming up to bat now, here is BOB! (crowd cheers in background) This
has been a solid season for Bob, 26 home runs, 87 runs batted in. A base hit
now will tie it for the Cubs, while a home run will give them the
championship..
Bob digs in against Dwight Gooden. Gooden has been masterful today, striking
out 16, while only allowing 3 base hits. Here comes the pitch . . . AND
THERE'S A LONG DRIVE DEEP TO RIGHT! THAT COULD BE OUT OF HERE! DARRYL
STRAWBERRY RACES OVER AND MAKES A LEAPING CATCH AT THE WALL AND BOB IS OUT!!!!
Yes, Bob is out, but he'll be happy to return your call as soon as possible."
(BEEP)
Since I once worked in radio as a newscaster and DJ, I was able to do this so
that it sounded like an actual radio broadcast. The response to this
message, which ran a full 60 seconds, was interesting. Men loved it, and
passed my phone number around so that their buddies could call in and hear it.
Women, in general, didn't understand it, and left messages complaining that it
was too long, too loud, or didn't make any sense.
Bob
english.483dejanr,
Baghdad Radio reports that Iraq's Scud missles have intercepted and
destroyed incoming Patriot missiles seven times. The Patriots were launched
from Israel and Saudi Arabia and never even made it to Iraq's borders before
they were destroyed. The advanced Iraqi early warning system has
permitted the intercepting Scud missle to be launched before
the Patriot missle it will destroy.
english.484dejanr,
An Irishman visited the doctor complaining of sore feet. Upon
examining them the doctor requested that he keep off his feet
as much as possible and to put on a new pair of socks everyday
for a week. This he had done and by the 5th day the Irishman
could not fit his shoes on.
english.485dejanr,
Good news: Saddam Hussein is living on borrowed time.
Bad news: It was borrowed from a failed savings and loan.
english.486dejanr,
ABC's Good Morning America show today interviewed an
expert on military history, who said something that I
didn't know, namely, that Saddam Hussein actually has a
law degree. He went on to point out that the degree was
granted under somewhat unusual circumstances: Saddam
Hussein was accompanied by two heavily armed guards
into the examination room, and apparently it was
felt that there was no need to grade the exam.
Upon hearing this, my first thought was that Saddam had
cheated. But the expert quickly pointed out that the
incident demonstrates that Saddam really has an excellent
understanding of Iraqi law.
Bill Jefferys
english.487dejanr,
The following was originaly posted to ca.earthquakes. Several people have
requested I post this to rec.humor.funny. OK.
Point of reference:
the attribution is the edited disclaimer from the USGS's informational
bulletins. Reference is made to three people, one of whom posts to
ca.earthquakes, the other two are ski buddies whom are the one person's
grad advisors.
>DISCLAIMER -- IS THIS AN EARTHQUAKE PREDICTION OR WARNING?
> The commentary provided with this map(s) is for INFORMATIONAL
>USE ONLY, and SHOULD NOT be construed as an earthquake prediction,
>warning, or advisory. Responsibility for such warnings rests with
>the Office of Emergency Services of the State of California.
>PLEASE REMEMBER -- THIS IS PRELIMINARY DATA
> Releasing this summary on a timely basis requires that the
>data, analysis, and interpretation presented is PRELIMINARY. Of
>necessity they can only reflect the views of the seismologists who
>prepared them, and DO NOT carry the endorsement of the U.S.G.
>Thus while every effort is made to ensure that the information is
>accurate, nothing contained in this report is to be construed as
>and earthquake prediction, warning, advisory, or official policy
>statement of any kind, of the U.S. Government.
Abstract:
The "Big One" is modelled. Unexpected results occurred which can affect
the socio-economic future of the state.
Problem statment:
To satisfy the public's incessant desire to know about a California
earthquake. It is generally agreed that the major seismic hazard
exists in the southern portion of the state.
The desire is to model the effects of "The Big One."
Method:
A map model of the state of California was purchased.
The map was composed of a homogeneous, organic, collodial solid.
Foregoing the usual paper machete and attempts to model the properties
of the usual batholiths, strata, slip faults, and structure, this research
made the bold stroke of using a relief map composed of a milk chocolate.
The topographic chocolate relief map was a 1:20,000,000 scale
model purchased from a retailer in the city of San Jose, CA.
The vertical scale likely had exaggerated relief. All the more tasty.
The San Andreas and other fault systems are clearly distinguishable.
We assume that the thicker portions of the solid (Z > z for all Z,z > 0.0)
are likely to resist movement and shear stress than the thinner portions.
Topographic details are rendered as delicious lithographic landforms.
A specific geographic area is covered.
It is an acknowledged concern that the area near Ft. Tejon, CA has had
minimal movement (in excess of statistical averages). The area is notable
for it is also the intersection of both the San Andreas AND the Garlock Fault
zones. The methods simulates the input of energy into the epicenter
involved the sudden application of force to this model area by means of
a quick blow using a Mid-European Country Military sharp instrument.
Limitations:
This model is limited to crustal activity and does not involve lower
activity in the mantle.
Continental shelf, slope, and sea bed were not modelled and instead were
composed of a uniformly thick slab of sweet milk chocolate.
The same thickness extended thru the states of Oregon, Nevada, and
the model of country in Mexico.
It is difficult to build a model on a fluid mantle, so we ignore those for
this study. It was cheap.
Results:
Catastrophic failure took place took place in an unexpected
direction. Rather than the expect NW-SE direction along the San Andreas
trace, the Garlock sheared and the Southern portion of the state fractured.
Job NOTE (queue SYS$BATCH, entry 930) completed
Regretably, the model was destroyed during the test. The impact of
the shock was beyond the capability of repair. The model was consumed.
Analysis:
This violated the standard hypothesis that the portions of the
Pacific plate would either slid past the North American plate or
the Eastern hypothesis that all of CA would fall into the sea.
(we failed to simulate seabed).
The model has clear limitations. The assumption of homogeneous media
is clearly an over-simplification of real tectnic structures. This research
clearly requires higher quality solid materials. The clear determinant
was the thickness of the chocolate layer, then the adequacy of this model
is based on this thickness so we consider it an adequate 1-D model.
[The model was made in Denver, perhaps Swiss chocolate might even be better.]
Repercussions of this model's prediction can change the socio econmic
patterns of the state. Perhaps the traditional split of the
state into a Northern component and a Southern component is warrented.
The North could form a new country, or the Southern might become a
new State for Mexico. The possibilities are endless.
Continued research:
The next step of an adequate 2-D model is needed, then 3-D.
Further funding for purchase of the homogeneous media might offer
new insights into the behavior of thes models. We hope continued
research using these models by colleagues such as Smither, Ahrens, and Kamb
might produce further insights in solids geophysics.
Larger scale models might be recommended (perhaps a 1:5,300,000 scale?)
Added relief might also add chocolate.
Adding features to models can include surrogates such as nuts (i.e., cashews,
peanuts, etc.) thus simulating interesting subsurface anomalies.
References:
E. Callenbach, Ecotopia.
E. Callenbach, Ecotopia Emerging.
english.488dejanr,
(adapted from an editoral cartoon of unknown origin)
Sadam Husein was seeking expert advice to get the allied air forces out
of the sky.
He called Frank Lorenzo.
english.489dejanr,
Q: Did you hear that the L. A. Lakers drafted Saddam Hussein?
A: Yes, they wanted someone who could Shoot over Jordan.
english.490dejanr,
[I heard second-hand that this was invented by some columnist
in Dagens Nyheter, a big Swedish daily]
Boris Yeltsin has said that Gorbachev's idea to combine socialism with
market economy is as impossible as mating a viper with a hedgehog.
And what do you get when you cross a snake and a hedgehog?
Barbed wire, of course.
english.491dejanr,
GLN (Good-Looking Nerd) : "Can I help you?"
MHP (Mississippi Highway Patrolman) : "Do you know how fast you were
going, boy?"
GLN : "I'm not sure. The needle doesn't reach the high numbers very well.
I would estimate somewhere between 80 and 85, closer to 85."
MHP : "You were going 84 miles an hour."
GLN : "See, I was close. I must've been going uphill."
MHP : "What was that?"
GLN : "Oh, nothing. Is there some reason you pulled me over?"
MHP : "I'm going to have to give you a ticket, boy."
GLN : "No thank you."
MHP : "What was that?"
GLN : "If it's all the same to you, I'd just as soon you keep your
ticket. I don't really have any use for one."
MHP : "Don't try to weasel your way out of this, boy. I'm going to
give you a ticket."
GLN : "What for?"
MHP : "WHAT FOR??? Speeding, that's what!"
GLN : "You mean you're going to give me a ticket for going two miles
per hour over the speed limit?"
MHP : "TWO MILES??? Don't you know what the speed limit is, boy?"
GLN : "It's posted on the white sign with black letters, right?"
MHP : "Right."
GLN : "82. That's what the sign said, '82.'"
MHP : "That's not the speed limit. This is highway 82."
GLN : "I thought this was highway 55. It goes through Winona."
MHP : "55 is the speed limit. This is highway 82. I-55 goes through
Memphis and Jackson."
GLN : "But I'm going to Starkville, not Memphis or Jackson. You must
be confused."
MHP : "This is NOT I-55. This IS highway 82, and it does go to Starkville."
GLN : "That's right. I'm going to Starkville on highway 55, and the
speed limit is 82. I don't think you should give me a ticket for
going two miles over the speed limit."
MHP : "The speed limit is 55. Didn't you see the sign with the words
'SPEED LIMIT' and the number '55' on it?"
GLN : "I was wondering why they would write that on the sign telling the
name of the highway."
MHP : "It ISN'T the highway sign. The highway is 82, and the speed limit
is 55."
GLN : "Do you think you could hurry up and get to the point? I'm kindof
in a hurry."
MHP : "Is this your car?"
GLN : "Yes, do you like it?"
MHP : "Would you turn down that music?"
GLN : "It's Aretha Franklin. It goes with the car, don't you think?
What are you doing?"
MHP : "I'm writing you a ticket."
GLN : "For going two miles over the speed limit?"
MHP : "No, for going TWENTY-NINE miles an hour over the speed limit."
GLN : "Do you think that's unsafe?"
MHP : "Absolutely. It's very unsafe."
GLN : "If I was going so fast, then how did you catch me?"
MHP : "Well, uh..."
GLN : "Do you think it's safe for you to drive that fast?"
MHP : "Yes. I've been trained for high-speed pursuit."
GLN : "Don't you think it's rather hypocritical of you to be giving me
a ticket? How many wrecks have you had?"
MHP : "That's irrelevant."
GLN : "Did you see that?"
MHP : "What?"
GLN : "That black car just sideswiped your patrol car and kept going.
If you hurry, you can probably catch him."
MHP : "#@*%^$! And that's my new patrol car, too. You wait here while
I apprehend that criminal!"
GLN : "Yeah, right."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--disclaimer:
-- The preceding dialogue is ficticious, and any resemblance to actual
-- persons, real or otherwise, is purely coincidental.
english.492dejanr,
Based on info I heard recently on ABC...
Here in the U.S. there are addresses set up for people to mail to ``Any
soldier'' or to ``Any sailor'' in Operation Desert Storm. The idea is
that people will send supportive letters, news from home, etc. to the
troops even if they don't necessarily know anyone over there.
It seems however, that some people are a little more specific in their
addressing of the letters. Letters have been recieved addressed to...
Any young soldier
Any young single soldier
and even
Any single medical officer
I suppose a weaker-willed person than I would attempt a line here about
``Uncle Sam's Lonely Hearts Club'' but I'm going to refrain. :^)
english.493dejanr,
Moshe Kohn opens a Kosher restaurant in London and puts a notice in
the window "ARABS NOT WELLCOME"; a couple of days later, a person of
obviously Arab origin walks in and requests a sandwich - so the
cashier quickly runs into Moshe's office asking what to do. Moshe
decides that he really doesn't want a scandal, so he orders "OK, give
him the sandwich, but charge him double - that should teach him".
No sooner said than done.
But the next day the same Arab is back again - this time for a full
lunch; Moshe decides "Charge him triple, he'll get the lesson this
time !". The Arab eats his lunch, pays withot a quibble, praises the
food and even asks for a reservation for 10 of his friends for the
same evening. Moshe decides "OK, let him have the reservation, but if
his friend do come, charge them tenfold!" The Arabs appear in the
evening, have a large dinner, pay without complaining and even tip
generously. So the nex day Moshe puts a new sign in the window:
"JEWS NOT WELLCOME".
english.494dejanr,
Many an oriental person has trouble with the L and R sounds in English. I
have it, on good authority from a Chinese friend of mine, that this
is because they can't really hear the difference.
This was never a problem for me until my Chinese girlfriend told me she
couldn't because of Crap.. I assured her it would be okay.. of course,
I thought we could fix her problem _later_ with a _laxative_...
english.495dejanr,
A recent pentagon press conference announced that all personnel in the
Gulf would automatically be granted 180 day extensions to file their
United States income tax returns. The immediate question from the press?
"Does this mean you expect the war to extend past April 15th?"
Matt Ginsberg
{ed Clearly not...}
english.496dejanr,
LAWSUITS THREATEN INDUSTRY
In a new twist to the computer industry's running "Look and Feel"
patent battles, lawyers for Dr. Upda Evidens have filed suit against 98%
of the computer industry. Dr. Evidens, CEO of the Closed Software
Corporation, asserted in court that "this is just the beginning. We are not
going to tolerate any further abuse of our patents, which, I might add, are
as rampant as they are blatant."
The briefs filed in the case indicate that up to 70% of all computer
industry professionals infringed upon CSC's patented "like shit" look and
feel. Dr. Evidens cited studies showing that on any average Monday, sixty
to seventy percent of all programmers are reported to "look and feel like
shit."
The Closed Software Corporation also notes excessive unlicensed use
of other patented Look and Feel combinations, top among them "like hell,"
"awful," and "totally gnarly."
Despite the fact that the CSC lawsuits are some of the largest and most
comprehensive in the history of the computer industry, Evidens speaks of
widening the scope of the litigation. "You see," he said at a press
conference recently, "these violations are not limited to the information
industry. I regularly see individuals in the banking industry, insurance,
government, and yes, even the media, in unlicensed use of various patents that
we hold." When asked about his goals in filing further lawsuits, Evidens
merely smiled, and offered a flash demonstration of two of the more recent CSC
patents, "filthy rich," and "powerful."
Industry analysts are watching Dr. Evidens and his lawyers closely,
(and, according to Evidens, are coming arbitrarily close to violating
another patent, the "nervous" look and feel) to see the results of this
case, and to find how it will affect future developments.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DISCLAIMER: This is all fluff, purely the results of a deranged imagination.
All individuals, corporations, and other entities mentioned above
are purely fictional, and should not be construed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
english.497dejanr,
PRICE BUSTERS!
FINAL LIQUIDATION SALE!!
IT ALL HAS TO GO!!!
A major military power is going out of
business, and has to sell it ALL! Come on
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Helicopters, Mines, SCUD missiles and
mobile launchers, planes and many, many more!
Come down today only and receive a free AK-74
w/bayonet!
Want Tanks - We Got 'Em!
The famous T-62s, today only $19.95!
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Want Attack and Dual-Role Aircraft - We Got 'Em!
The remaining stock of MiG-21s only $23.97!
The remaining stock of MiG-25s only $29.97!
The renowned MiG-29s today only $39.95!
The Su-7, Su-20, Su-24, Su-25, whatever's left in
the store, only $19.99!
The all weather, day/night attack craft, the
MiG-23 today only $34.97!
Want Bombers - We Got 'Em!
The Tu-22 and the Tu-16, only $49.99!
Want Missiles - We Got 'Em!
SCUD Missiles, only $49.95 each!
Mobile Launcher (assembles in just hours) only
$99.95! (when purchased w/5 SCUDs, only $79.95!)
Easy payment plans, we always accept VISA, 'The power to be
your best.'(tm); Master Card, American Express, 'Don't leave home
without it (but if you do, we can't help you anyway)' (tm), and
Pan-American Life and Mutual 'Sure my credit is good, Trust
me!'(tm).
Normally we accept Iraqi Express, 'Don't Leave Home'(tm), credit
cards, but due the current situation in the Gulf and the volatile
nature of the economy, we are not accepting Iraqi Express, 'Don't
Leave Home'(tm), credit cards at this time.
english.498dejanr,
A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels
by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend
towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings
on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must
also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-
intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary
in this important area. This is especially true in light of the
findings of 20th century physics.
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we
join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate
the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the
packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of
America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the
Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a
Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely
Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent
of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred
Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is
Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both
Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That,
Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spon-
taneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at
Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's
Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any
Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested
Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles
Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within
the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This
Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic
Explosion Will Result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in
Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in
the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the
Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to
the Heat Death of the Universe.
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held
Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known
and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found
Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product
Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May
Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-
Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This
Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable
to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions
Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot
Be Detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When
the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May
Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined
State.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,
Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in
Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other
Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be
Expressed or Implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product,
Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its
Velocity Relative to the User.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe,
Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an
Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently
Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot
Be Guaranteed.
(The above is from Volume 36, Number 1 of
The Journal of Irreproducible Results.
Copyright 1991 Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc.
3 Cambridge Center, Cambridge MA 02141
Individual US Subscriptions $12.00
Reproduced with permission.)
english.499dejanr,
Why did the U.S. armed forces blow up an air raid shelter?
Because they couldn't find a jetliner.
english.500dejanr,
Hey, you. Yeah... YOU! Pacifist type. Are you thinking "Hey,
this isn't MY war." Or maybe you think, "Fifty cents more at the pump
is worth my life! Heck, even sixty cents!" Perhaps you've weighed
the issues, "Solar Energy... Death in the Sand... Hmmm... Solar
Energy.... Death in the Sand..." Maybe you're all set, and you're
ready to fight. BUT, should you decide that War is "not your thing",
it could help you to know...
The TEN Ways to Avoid the DRAFT
1. Self-Exile (The Canadian Maneuver)
A popular choice during Vietnam. A classic. This is a good
opportunity to "see the world." Actually, it's like being drafted in
that you get to learn new customs in a different culture, (saying "eh"
to indicate that you are speaking, beer drinking as an artform,
finding out what a "took" (rhymes with "Luke") is and why you wear it
on you head). Plus, there is always the comforting knowledge aht
there will always be a room (10x10x8) waiting for you back in the
States.
2. Physical Phake (The Springsteen Gambit or No-Doze about it)
This is fairly easy. Simply watch 72 hours of TV straight. The
VCR is ok, and so are video games, but theater movies are out. The
key is the cathode-ray tube. Be sure to sit close to the set. Feel
free to eat if you must, and bathroom breaks are OK, but no sleep!
Caffeine is totally legal. This must be done immediately prior to
your physical examination for the Armed Forces. Try not to yawn when
you get there, but don't resist your urge to make guttural moans. The
only disadvantage is that coming off the caffeine buzz is libel to
drop you into a coma, but think of all the rock songs you can write.
3. Physical for Real (Mono on Mono or "Hello, kiss me... what's your
name?)
Going without sleep has no effect on you? You've got the
allnighter's tolerance? You're going to need to catch something.
Virulent. This can definitely involve some interesting social
interactions.
4. Ageification (The Doctor Method...who?)
Age yourself seven or so years in a hurry! This stratagem either
requires some very expensive time travel equipment or your girlfriend
telling you she accidently took the Pill out of order and has been
eating vitamins for the past week. In any case, an old British phone
booth can be substituted for one of these methods.
5. Dopeification (Whajjuu say, man?)
The trick is to balance you inner inner cerebral whirl on the
brink of the utmost ultimate hazy high while downing a fifth ducking
to avoid that mind-worm and trying to find that mushroom or other tab
of the really fucked up stuff and your third eye is screammmming and
your head is hammmmering... and when you wake up in de-tox, the whole
thing is over. Ten years ago.
6. Conscientious Objection (The "peace and non-violence, brother" strategy)
Just file for exemption as a conscientious objector. Note, you
must prove (with notarized documents) that you've been an objector
since age three, have a visible aura, and stigmata.
7. Captivity (Non-self anti-exile)
The default method. See, the draft is a choice. If you make NO
choice at all, and just go about your life as usual, you will NOT be
drafted! When you don't report to base after receiving your draft
notice, the army won't make you fight. In fact, they'll take you to a
maximum security penal institution for a nice long visit. (Bonus:
free food, shelter, and back rubs).
8. Orientation Rearranging ("Sir, you are one HOT sergeant, sir!")
Under the sexual orientation heading of your draft
acknowledgement form, check the box next to "homosexual." You
couldn't beg them to let you stay in.
9. In and Out (The Max Klinger Section 8 Clause)
Sure! You'll fight! Report in. Move in to the barracks! You
want to fight, yeah. Act enthused... maybe... too enthused. Talk
about how you dreamed of this to your bunkmate. Be sure to keep a
hollow, far away look in your eyes. It's also a good idea to twitch
random muscles whenever anyone is near you. Scream "DIE" very loudly
several times during the night. In the morning, say "Sergeant, Satan
told me he loves me and is glad I'm here." Repeat as necessary, don't
blink, and drool slightly from one corner of your mouth. Once you get
to the sanitarium, cheerily convince the doctors you were just kidding
and that you are actually quite sane.
10. Violence (The Last Resort)
While attending a student's birthday party during a later week of
one of his hunger strikes, Ghandi was offered a piece of chocolate
cake by a less enlightened disciple. The disciple then remembered
Ghandi's fast and repealed the offer, apologizing. The doctors
managed to sew the man's nose back to his face, but Ghandi's lesson to
him is well noted. Should you find your back to the wall, here are
some recommended guidelines in the use of violence: cause pain, be
random, no mercy, hit, yell, kick, cheat, avoid soft things, steroids
can help but watch out for liver damage down the road, pinching hurts
a lot but doesn't do a lot of damage, be senseless, dominate,
dominate, dominate, don't let him get away with that, take the safety
off, and there are NO innocents! Sure, you may become the thing you
most despise, but at least it's your fight.
Good Luck!
And remember, if things don't work out...
don't forget the flea powder.
english.501dejanr,
OBSERVATION OF WARM NUCLEAR FUSION IN CONDENSED SOUP
by Joseph D. Lykken
Santa Cruz Inst. for Particle Physics
Univ. of Calif., Santa Cruz, CA 95064
(Work supported by DOE, contract DE-AA03-76SF00010)
ABSTRACT
We report the observation of warm nuclear fusion of deuteron pairs
catalyzed by a concentrated colloidal suspension of avian lipids. We
present a simple theoretical model relating this process to superstring
theory, quantum wormholes, fractal geometry, and high temperature
superconductors. A straightforward scaling argument shows that the
total annual energy requirements of the United States can be produced
from approximately 137.03602 g of catalyst.
1. INTRODUCTION
Recent observations of cold nuclear fusion of deuteron pairs, through
electrolysis in solutions of metallic salts, has generated considerable
excitement in the physics community and elsewhere. The fusion catalysis
process described by Fleischmann and Pons does, however, have several
drawbacks when considered as a putative means of mass power generation.
The process is slow, requiring a continuous electrical power input of sev-
eral hours before the onset of fusion. In addition, this process requires
costly palladium or titanium cathodes, as well as highly toxic combinations
of dissolved metallic salts.
The modified *warm* fusion process which we have discovered (independently)
and which is described in this paper suffers none of these disadvantages.
In our process, the salt solution is augmented by a concentrated colloidal
suspension of certain avian lipid compounds, available in an inexpensive
commercial preparation (i.e., Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup) in arbitrarily
large quantities. This preparation is not only nontoxic, but actually
healthful. Instead of requiring several hours of applied external current,
our process induces fusion after gentle heating to 90 degrees Celsius, main-
tained for five minutes. The palladium cathode is replaced by an inexpensive
chromium-plated utensil, which is given an approximately circular motion
induced by elementary mechanical means.
Since our fusion catalysis technique is so simple, we will not belabor the
description of the process itself, but instead focus on the analysis of the
data and present an obvious theoretical model for the underlying physics.
2. NEUTRON CALORIMETRY AND DATA ANALYSIS
Although, as we shall demonstrate, our warm fusion technique can readily
produce a net power output in the terawatt range, our initial experimental
setup operated at a more modest scale. Rather than resorting to direct
detection of fusion product neutrons, we employed a highly accurate neutron
calorimetry procedure. We first measured the total external power supplied
to our system. This involved reading the electric meter on the circuit
containing our (electrically powered) heating apparatus, and correcting for
other power drains on the circuit, such as lightbulbs, radios, and video
cassette recorders. We then corrected this power reading for the electric-
ity/heat conversion efficiency of our apparatus, taken from an authoritative
source (c.f. _The_World_Book_Encyclopedia_). Further corrections were made
for cosmic ray background radiation incident on our apparatus, energy depos-
ition from proton decay within the apparatus, and additional heat from minor
amounts of paprika contamination.
To determine the total energy output from 300 seconds of catalyzed fusion
events, 400 cc of the solution was ingested by a 75 kg male homo sapien
volunteer subject. After a short digestion period, the subject was led
through a series of mechanical tasks ("The Jane Fonda Ultimate Challenge
Workout") and the resulting power output -- estimated by sophisticated
nonlinear biodynamic integro-differential hyperelliptic functional analy-
sis, simulated numerically on a Cray XMP supercomputer. Details of this
analysis will be presented in a future publication.
The results of our analysis for a 400 cc catalytic solution were as follows:
Total average external power input: 1193.762 watts
Total average power output: 1196.885 watts
Net average power output due to fusion: 3.123 watts
3. THEORETICAL MODEL
Although our experimental results may seem somewhat surprising to the
uninitiated, there is a simple theoretical explanation of the underlying
physics responsible for efficient warm fusion catalysis in lipid sus-
pensions. As is well known, the principal obstacle to deuteron fusion
is the Coulombic potential barrier induced by the electrostatic repulsion
of the positively charged particles. A straightforward application of
ten-dimensional heterotic superstring dynamics shows that deuterons can
percolate through the Coulomb barrier through the spontaneous generation
of quantum wormholes. One can easily see why this process is enhanced
in the presence of suspended avian lipids by applying the Anthropic
Principle. Obviously, if the laws of physics did not produce such an
enhancement, we could not have observed it in our universe, and a
contradiction of our material existence would result. The perforation of
the Coulomb barrier by quantum wormholes is elegantly described in terms
of fractal geometry; an analytic continuation to planar surfaces produces
analogous electromagnetic anomalies in resonant spin liquids, thus
explaining the behavior of high temperature superconductors. Details of
this model will appear in a future publication.
4. FUTURE OUTLOOK
We have considered the problem of scaling up our warm fusion technique
to provide the commercial and strategic defense power requirements of the
United States. The appropriate scaling law was obtained by repeating our
initial experiment, but adding only half as much water to our commercial
preparation as called for in the instructions. With this additional concen-
tration of the catalytic solution, we obtained a net power output increase
of 0.00016%. Clearly, by continuing to halve the amount of added water, we
can obtain an arbitrarily high power of this enhancement factor, and thus
any level of power output desired. We estimate that, by limiting the amount
of added water to 3 micrograms (easily accomplished through national tech-
nical means), more than 10 terawatts of warm fusion power could be produced.
We strongly urge, and fervently hope, that the power of chicken soup will
only be used for peaceful purposes.
english.502dejanr,
"Relativity"
PART ONE
Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, the top physicists
in the universe (plus a couple of programmers) struggle to
perfect "Dynamo Ada", the very thing on which the future of
the company hangs like a terminal. The vice president of
the division has bicycled in for a conference with the scientists,
to be briefed on the progress of this critical
project. (Later, he will attend a meeting of the board of
directors, where he will criticized on the progress of this
brief project.)
"How are things progressing?"
"Well, not so hot. We have in fact produced an Ada a
zillion times faster (approximately) than any previously seen, but
there is a slight technical glitch when we actually try to run it."
"What kind of glitch?"
"Well, it has to do with the Theory of Relativity. The new Ada
compiler is so fast that it begins to approach the speed of
light."
"Are you fellows trying to befuddle me with technical jargon?"
"Oh, no sir. You're befuddled enough to suit us just as you
are. Now as I was saying, when something begins to approach the
speed of light, there are some relativistic effects. The mass of
an object is affected, but more importantly time begins to run
slower. The effect, which is called time dilation, has never been
used in any commercial product except ketchup." The Vice President was
now beginning to show great interest -- not in the scientist's
explanation, but in a piece of lint on the sleeve of his jacket.
"For instance, if a rocket travels to another star at nearly the
speed of light, the trip might seem to take a hundred years to an
external observer, but the occupants of the rocket would only
perceive it as having taken ten years, and would only age ten
years." The Vice President was nodding now. Soon he would be
completely asleep.
They entered the next room, where a programmer sat before a
terminal, completely immobile. He did not even appear to be
breathing. "This man is compiling a five-million-line program
using Dynamo Ada. From his point of view, the compilation takes
forty-two seconds. But for an external observer, like us, almost
two days have passed."
"Very interesting, very interesting," said the Vice President. "Is it
time for lunch yet?"
PART TWO
(two years later)
Scene: the same research installation. The Vice
President of Bizarre Products Development has arrived to discuss
a matter of great importance. He is met by Zeke Einstein, a
double Ph.D. in Quantum Physics and Computer Science, who escorts
him into the building.
"I was afraid you wouldn't be here," says the V.P. "I thought
the company had stopped doing pure research."
"Oh, we don't do pure research here. We do 80% research and 20%
playing practical jokes on each other."
"By the way, what on earth have you got all over your forehead?"
"We'll get to that. Over there is Biff Einstein. He's our top
man in computer relativity."
"Is everybody here named Einstein?"
"No, but whenever we get a chance to hire a physicist named
Einstein, we do it, just to be on the safe side. Over here is
Bill Blooper. He's the Director of the research center."
"Guten tag," said Blooper. "Ich bin Ein Stein."
"Einstein? I thought you said his name was Blooper!"
"His NAME is Blooper, but he thinks he's a German beer mug. He's
completely mad, of course, but that's just what it takes to stay on
the cutting edge of today's fast-moving technology. Now, you wanted
to talk about relativistic computer technology?"
"Yes. I don't know too much about it, so I'd appreciate it if
you'd fill me in."
"I thought your organization had already developed a product
based on the technology. That was almost three years ago, wasn't
it?"
"That's true, but I wasn't in charge when it started, so I'm not
clear on all the concepts. The only engineer who really
understands it is currently finishing up the Unit Test, so
naturally he's a bit difficult to talk to right now ..."
"Well, let me start at the beginning. You're aware of the fact
that all data is composed of quantum particles, which sometimes
act like waves, in a manner similar to photons?"
"You mean bits?"
"Well, not quite. The particulate nature of data means that
you can never have one and a half bits of information; it has
to come in quantum-sized packets. The term "bit" refers to
the measure of information, but the subatomic particles
themselves are generally called logons or offons. Now, the fact
is that logons travel at the same speed as light. For instance,
when data is passed through a wire, even though the individual
electrons propogate along the wire very slowly, the data itself
moves at light speed."
"That doesn't sound reasonable."
"Well, I can demonstrate it to you quite easily. Here, hold this
wire."
"What are you -- Yow! You gave me a shock!"
"Well, yes, of course. But how FAST did you get it? One of the
new technologies we're investigating is the possible
existence of an anti-logon particle. If it exists, we would be
able to construct retroactive memory chips with an access time of
up to negative 30 microseconds."
"And if such a particle doesn't it exist?"
"Well, we'll have to invent one. That will more expensive,
of course."
"I don't seem to be getting all this."
"Well, of course not. As I said, information particles behave a
lot like photons. For instance, a mirror reflects almost all of
the light that hits it, whereas a black surface absorbs almost
all of it. In the same way, different materials reflect or
absorb data particles at different rates. The human head, we have
found, is one of the most perfect data reflectors in the universe.
However, just let me put some of this data-absorbing paint on your
head and you'll begin to understand me much better."
"Careful. This is a brand new suit."
"Oh, it washes right out, don't worry. Now, I was saying that
with an anti-logon particle we would be able to construct memory
devices with negative access times."
"There would have to be some programming changes there, to allow
for reading data out before it's been written."
"Now you're getting it."
"Can I have some of this paint to take back with me? I know some
people who could use it."
"Of course. That reminds me. One other thing I've been warning
people about. We're now entering an era where gigabytes of memory
are not uncommon."
"Yes?"
"We're not certain yet, but we're afraid that a large enough
gathering of logons in very close proximity may cause it to reach
critical mass."
"What happens then?"
"We don't know. It could mean another Big Bang. Or the
formation of some sort of object similar to a black hole, from
which no data ever escapes."
"But what about relativistic programming? We're getting off the
subject."
"Well, the thing of it is that at a high enough computational
speed, you get effects similar to those produced by an object
moving at close to light speed. Time dilation and so forth."
"That's why it's taking so long for this Unit Test phase, as I
understand it."
"Exactly. To the tester himself, things seem to be going along
quite quickly. But to an outside observer, it seems to be moving
very slowly. Time proceeds at different rates. Probably the
developer himself appears smaller."
"Well, I didn't know him before, but these days he's about two
feet tall, so I suppose you're right. Anyway, what I came here
to discuss is the possibility of producing more products using
the technology."
"Why would you want to, if you can't get them out the door?"
"Well, the customers seem to be impressed with them, as long as
they're affected by this relativity thing. The only real problem
has been test time. And we think we have a solution to that."
"Yes?"
"Rigorous code inspections. If we remove all the defects by
inspection, we don't have to do much testing, and we can ship the
products the same century we build them. Do you see any potential
problems with that?"
"Well, the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle would seem to imply
that, if you know the value assigned to a logon, it may be
impossible to determine for certain that a program assigns the
value you wanted."
"But does the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle apply to data
particles?"
"I'm not certain."
"Is there anything else you want to tell me?"
"No. Let me know how you make out with your new products."
"Certainly. And let me know when you find an anti-logon."
"Actually, since it will allow us to print and mail the report
before we write it, you may know about it before we do."
"That's enough. I've got to get back to the office."
THE END
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
english.503dejanr,
Everybody remember Zsa Zsa Gabor slapping that Beverly Hills cop and ending up
in jail?
Good thing for her she didn't slap a Los Angeles cop! She'd have gotten hit
with a baton 56 times...
english.505dejanr,
A stupid person checks into a hotel and goes up to his room. Five
minutes later he halls the desk and say "You've given me a room
with no exit. How do I leave?" The desk clerks says, "Sir, that's
absurd. Have you looked for the door?" The stupid person says, "
Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second
door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven'yt tried, but
it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."
english.506dejanr,
Have you seen the new Iraqui Flag? White stars on a white field.
english.507dejanr,
5 year old to mother:"Mammy where
do I come from ?"
Mother:"You were found under a
gooseberry bush."
Little Girl:"Do many people know
that Daddy's impotent ?"
english.508dejanr,
Why did the U.S. armed forces blow up an air raid shelter?
Because they couldn't find a jetliner.
english.509****,
[Ovo je bilo šifrovano]:
An uncle in the South, whom I will not name, suggests a bumper
sticker open to several interpretations:
"IF WE'D KNOWN YOU'D BE THIS MUCH TROUBLE WE'D HAVE PICKED THE COTTON
OURSELVES"
english.510dejanr,
Sergei Yevshin, a coal miner on strike in the Ukraine was quoted in this
weekend's The European [newspaper] as saying:
"We watched with envy on television as American soldiers gave out packets
of Marlboro cigarettes to Iraqi prisoners of war. Many of us have to work an
entire shift underground to afford one packet of Marlboro. I want to surrender
to the Americans."
english.511dejanr,
Answering machines. Nowadays almost everyone has one, complete with a snappy
message of their own device. Wait for the beep and then read on.
This is a short adaptation of Simon Butler-White's and Clive Archer's
"could-be" phone messages released in Australian Cleo, August 1989.
(Some of them are bit old, Maggie ain't prime minister of the UK, and
Kylie Minogue isn't seeing Jason Donovan anymore, but you'll get the meaning
anyway,I'm sure).
John McEnroe, Tennis Mouth
You dummy! You've called while I'm OUT! Five minutes You've missed me by AT
LEAST five minutes. Are you stupid or what? Can't you get anything right?
You people make me sick! Leave a message and I'll call you back! BEEP.
----
Sarah Ferguson, Another Royal
(Giggle) Hello, this is Fergie...er (sound of hand being placed over
receiver and a loud whisper). Andrew! What'sthat title again? What? Oh hello,
this is the Duchess of York. The Duke and I are out skiing, so when you hear
the jolly old pip pip, leave your message and we'll give you a tinkle when
we get back - in November. BEEP.
----
Elvis Presley, Corpse
Hi. I can't come to the phone right now. Actually I can't do much of anything
right now because I've been dead since 1977. But my spirit lives on and if
you'd like to leave your name and number, I'll try to contact you via ouija
board, Madame Zenda or garbled tape recording. This is also the number of
John F. Kennedy, Adolf Hitler, Harold Holt, Lucille Ball, Roy Orbison...BEEP.
----
Mikhail Gorbachev, Commie Birthmark
Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of
Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of
the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics,
Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of
Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet
Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet
People's Council of Peace and Happines and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash
Team. But hey, call me Mike. BEEP.
----
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Thespian
Gutten day to you. Here I'm being on ze set of mein latest moofie. Eet's
the latest moofie in mein strings of mega-hits. First zere was za Terminator,
zen zere was za Predator...zis one's called za Laminator. Eet's about zis
handyman on a mission. Eet's drama. Very funny stuff. You'll chust luff it.
I know you vill. Leaf a messich after za beep. Don't say you can't. Ve haf
vays off making you talk, you know. BEEP.
----
Margaret Thatcher, Iron Woman
You have reached the residence of the Prime Minister at No. 10 Downing
Street. When you hear the beep, sit up straight, speak clearly and
distinctly and STOP doodling when you're talking to me! And Dennis, if that's
you, how many time have I told you abut staying at the club after 9.30?
We've been a very naughty boy, haven't we? BEEP.
----
Kylie Minogue, Singing Budgie
Gee, hi, um, I'm unable to come to the phone right now cos I'm making a
movie, or a video, or a new album or something, but I'll get back to you
next time I'm in Australia. and if that's you Jason, I stick by what I
said last night: You wear your underwear and I'll wear mine. BEEP.
----
The Pope, Spiritual Leader
Bless you my child. This is John Paul Ringo...heh heh, I tell a liddle
Beatles choke, yes? I'm out kissing airport runways (hey, so would you
if you flew Boeing) and am unable to pontificate at present. Please
leave your name and number when you hear the amen and I'll get back to
you, God willing. BEEP.
----
english.512dejanr,
Told last night by the instructor of my Finance class, who also
happens to work at the Federal Reserve in Minneapolis.
He claims this is the latest joke going around the Fed.
Q: What's the difference between banks and S&Ls?
A: Two years.
english.513dejanr,
Source: Colleague at Wash. Dept. of Info. Services, Olympia, Washington
SUBJECT: More of Murphy's Laws
* Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
* Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* Quality assurance dosen't.
* The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't
really
know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
* Exceptions always outnumber rules.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
* If somthing is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.
* One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
* A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
* The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the
butter.
* The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
* When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two
weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.
* The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
* The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
* You never want the one you can afford.
* Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good
price.
* If it says "one size fits all," it dosen't fit anyone.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three
weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
* When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby,
while all other coins will roll out of sight.
* The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
* Experience is somthing you don't get until just after you need it.
* Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
* Interchangable parts won't.
* No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind.
* If enough data is collected, anyghing may be proven by statistical
methods.
* Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of
incompetence.
* Progress is made on alternative Fridays.
* No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
session.
* The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
* As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline rencounters
turbulence.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of
them being made.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be
illegible.
* A free agent is anything but.
* The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* The one item you want is never the one on sale.
* The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your
keys.
* If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be
unreasonable.
english.514vkrstonosic,
***** Why is a cucumber better than a man? *****
1. You can enjoy a cucumber all night long.
2. Cucumber stains wash out.
3. You don't have to drink wine and dine with a cucumber before getting
to the fun stuff.
4. Your cucumber will always wait patiently for you in the car while
you go shopping.
5. When your cucumber goes soft you toss it.
6. Cucumbers can't tell time, so they don't know when you're late.
7. Stomach aches go away in the morning, or after you take alka-seltzer.
8. A cucumber doesn't get jealous when you grab another cucumber (or
even a carrot!)
9. Cucumber skins come off without a fight.
10. When you go to the grocery store, you can always pick up a cucumber.
And you can check out the meat in the deli, too!
11. Cucumbers never have headaches (or any other contagious diseases)
12. After you've had a cucumber, who cares what it's worth?
13. A cucumber won't get upset if you come home with another cucumber
on your breath (or a fresh leafy vegetable in your pocket).
14. If you eat a cucumber right, you always have a mouthful.
15. You can have more than one cucumber a night and not feel guilty (they're
low in calories)
16. A cucumber always goes down easy.
17. You can share a cucumber with friends.
18. You always know when you're the first one to eat a cucumber.
19. A cucumber is always hard.
20. Cucumbers don't demand equality.
21. You can have a cucumber in pubic (oops, I mean public!)
22. A cucumber doesn't come (no mess)
23. A frigid cucumber is a fresh cucumber.
24. You don't have to wash a cucumber before it tastes good.
25. The older a cucumber, the larger it gets.
26. Cucumbers don't fool around.
27. You don't have to watch where a cucumber puts its hands.
28. You can keep a cucumber in your apartment without upsetting your mother.
29. Cucumbers can't get you pregnant.
30. Cucumbers don't get drunk (although they have been known to get
pickled now and then)
english.515vkrstonosic,
In a village in South America there was a young man that was what some people
call a cassanova, good with the ladies. He had all kinds of ladies. He liked
them all, fat ones, short ones, skinney ones, didn't matter. The thing was, is
that he had a true love, a virgin that he was saving for his marrige. This
innocent virgin, her name was Mary, did not know anything about sex. Of
course our Tiger of the Village wanted to keep things that way. Well finally
they were married and on the wedding night Mary was very impressed with Sex.
She told her new husband that she did not know a man was build that way. What
a wonderful thing men had to please women. Our Tiger did not want to her to
think that all men were the same, so he told her, "I tell you one something
Honey, I am the only man in the world with such a thing". She believed him.
The "Tiger" of the village was a sheep herder and had to go to the hills for
weeks at a time. He had been gone for a couple of weeks when he came back and
began to look for his new bride. When he got to their hut she wasn't there.
He then went down through the village looking for her. "Mary, Mary, where are
you?" Finally he meets up with her on the street. Mary appears to be very
angry and frustrated. "You son-a-bitch, bastard, cabron, desgrasiado, no good
for nothing" and begins to hit and fight with him. "Hey whoa, whats the
matter baby, what did I do? I didn't do nothing why you mad at me?" our tiger
asks.
Mary says, "Yeah, you asshole, you know Sancho, the lazy one from across the
street? Well he has one also" and she points to his genitals. Our hero thinks
about it, she must have seen this guy taking a leak, shit I can fix this.
"Hey Honey, I tell you one something, you know what? Sancho he is my best
friend, I used to have two of them and since Sancho is my friend, I give him
one", he is all smiles and goes over to hug Mary.
Mary is now angrier and begins to clober the shit out of him. "You dumb ass,
pendejo, stupido, ignorante" she yells at him, "YOU GAVE HIM THE BEST ONE".
english.516vkrstonosic,
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she
replied that she suffered from a discharge. Said he: Get undressed, Mrs. Cohn,
and lie down on the examining table. She did, whereupon the doctor put on
rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts". After a couple of
minutes he asked: How does that feel? Wonderful, she replied, but the
discharge is from the ear.
english.517vkrstonosic,
INSPECTION, DETECTION AND REJECTION STANDARD
Please review this document thoroughly, then throw it away.
This Draft subsedes all future drafts.
There will be an open review of this Standard two weeks ago.
You are cordially not invited to attend.
1 INTRODUCTION
Purpose
This document has no purpose. We just threw it together for
laughs. Since it exists, however, by the laws of physics, can
neither be created nor destroyed.
Status
This is a devolving standard. With each revision it becomes more
convoluted and confusing.
Scope
Objections, protections and retrospections apply to the following
comedy products:
- Episodes of the Forbidden Zone (except this one)
- Directline memos
- Development schedules produced prior to the design phase
for both velopment and development.
Policy
It is recommended that anyone reading this standard verify that
their life and health insurance premiums are paid up.
Notes
Take notes. There will be a test later.
Reviews Versus Convections, Intellections and Injections
Reviews, such as the New York Times Review of Books, are
magazines which cover a subject in a very broad manner.
Employees are free to subscribe to as many reviews as they wish
prior to obtaining a Clean compilation. (The Clean compiler is
available from Harry Clean, Inc. for a nominal fee.)
An issue meeting is a meeting whose purpose is to attempt to
surface issues, then bury them deeper so that they won't surface
again. These may be held, but must be kept secret.
A pre-inspection meeting may be held before the product is
written, in which the producer describes what the document would
look like, how long it would be, what color ink and so forth.
Since these meetings are totally useless, it is expected that
they will be held often.
Detractions, infractions and impactions by a team of at least 9
detractors, infractors and impactors are required to be held no
later than the end of Component Test or the beginning of the
Design Phase, whichever comes first. For extremely lengthy
meetings, an 18-person team is used, operating under normal
tag-team rules. This requirement is waived if Component Test and
the subsequent design effort do not take place until after
product shipment.
Technical audits continue to be required, however they will now
be performed by trained I.R.S. auditors who will be empowered to
impose fines and jail terms of up to 20 years. (These extreme
penalties will only be imposed for such offenses as writing
uncommented assembly language and use of the COBOL Alter
statement.)
In order to formalize the process, employees are not allowed to
talk to one another except in the course of the above process
meetings.
2 Objectives, Subjectives, Objections, Subjections, Roles, Rules
and Procedures
Objectives
The immediate objective of a dejection, protection and
genuflection is to remove the true portions ("de facts") from the
comedy product without removing what little humor there is.
The long term subjective is to get the thing finished and sent so
that real work can be done.
The Objection Team
There are 9 key roles related to holding a compaction.
1. The Producer is the person responsible for creating the comedy
product. The Producer may not also be the Catcher or Shortstop,
but may play Goalie or take an occasional free throw.
2. The Director is the person who directed the producer to do
what he or she did. The Director may not also be the Inquisitor,
although he may help heat up the hot irons. An extinction may be
held without the Director present if he doesn't mind the fact
that the Producer will try to blame him for everything.
3. The Moderator is responsible for making sure that the team is
all in place before the doors are locked, and for preventing
lynchings and other mob actions.
4. The Catcher is responsible for making sure no one gets out of
the room alive until the meeting is finished. Not even to go to
the bathroom.
5. The Reader is responsible for reading the thing being
introspected in a droning monotone.
6. The Recorder is responsible for taking notes.
7. The Decoder is responsible for reading the notes.
8. The Discorder is responsible for destroying the notes after
they've been read, so as not to leave a paper trail of the
meeting. Optimally, it should be impossible to prove that the
meeting ever took place.
9. The Inspector is responsible for behaving as much as possible
like Inspector Clouseau as played by Peter Sellers: speaking in a
bad French accent, knocking things over, accidentally setting
fire to important documents and generally disrupting the meeting.
10.The Domino's Pizza Delivery Person, while not strictly a team
member, will often be critical to the success of the meeting.
The minimum team consists of 2 people, the Recorder and
Discorder. This requires picking up the pizza ahead of time,
however.
Planning
See Appendix F for definition.
Preparation
The key point of preparation is to ensure that the team arrives
at the meeting place on time. If members arrive late, it is very
difficult to let them in without (1) allowing other team members
to escape and (2) divulging the true nature of the meeting,
causing them to flee. It is generally advisable to lead team
members to believe they are attending a completely different
function, for example a surprise party.
Meeting
No one knows what goes on in these meetings. If the Discorders
do their jobs properly, no one ever will.
After the Meeting
Survivors should be kept under medical observation for 48 hours.
Resource Guidelines
A reaction, restriction and eviction will normally cover
approximately 20,000,000 words per hour. Note that a picture is
worth a thousand words -- two thousand if it is colored neatly
(staying within the lines) in crayon.
Schedule meetings to be no more than 48 hours long. 36 is
preferred.
SAMPLE REFRACTION AND TRACTION DEFECT SUMMARY
Comedy Product: Zone 105
Release: NO
Refraction and Action Type: No Progress Review
Major Defects Type
The author Screws Missing
Minor Defects
The jokes and the premise Not Funny
ŠOther potential defect types: Incomprehensible, Too True,
ObscureĆ
english.518vkrstonosic,
How do you get 20 Iraqis into a phone booth?
Tell them it isn't theirs.
english.519vkrstonosic,
Obscure Williamstown footpath graffiti
THIS WAY TO OBLIVION
>>----------> (that's an arrow, folks)
Bizzare Williamstown footpath graffiti just around the corner
HA HA FOOLED YOU
IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHICH WAY YOU GO
english.520vkrstonosic,
This idea was proposed by Cathy Foderaro (chfčFranz.COM), and it's been
elaborated on since the original proposal.
Y'know how the planes involved in the gulf war have nicknames (the best
of which is the "Wild Weasel")? Several of us were speculating about
David Letterman's Top Ten Rejected Airplane Nicknames. In no particular
order, we've come up with
10) the B-3 Near-sighted Sissyboy dive bomber
9) the SW252 Tree Sloth Sidewinder missile
8) the F-112 Fluffy Poodle vertical take-off jet
7) the M-113 Roadkill armored personel carrier
6) the F-117B Capybara Stealth fighter
5) the AK39 Turbo Q-Tip attack plane
4) the F-21 Emu jet fighter
3) the f-14 Nose-hair torpedo
2) the B-6 Rod McKuen Sonnet carrier bomber
And the number one answer...
1) the A-14 Screamin' Yugo recon-jet
Of course, the topic opens up a whole new realm of punning...
the TomCruise Missile
the SideSwiper Missile (guaranteed to never directly impact the target)
the Disintegrates Upon Dispatch or DUD missile
the new scuds on the block
the Ernest and Julio Gallo delayed detonation missile
(will not explode before its time)
But none of this can really match the humor inherent in the name
"Wolf Blitzer"...
english.521vkrstonosic,
Copyright (c) 1990 Patrick D. Scannell
Used by permission
"Software Engineering Process Archaeology, An Overview"
(Transcript of a lecture by Grant Money, D.S.A.)
(Doctor of Software Archaeology)
To trace the development of the Software Engineering Process, we
must begin in the late Pleurassic period (so named because the
air was very dense and it was hard to breathe.) It was during
this period that violent geological upheavals brought to the
earth's surface large deposits of silicon and germanium crystals,
and the first crude programs, barely more than undifferentiated
collections of single-bit organisms such as the primitive
kilobyte, crawled out of the sea and began to live and thrive on
silicon. More complex forms, such as structures and arrays,
began to evolve.
It was during the Ice Ages of the Fortybeloic period, however,
that programs began to thrive and multiply. Unlike the dinosaurs
who preferred a warmer climate, software produced its own heat
and operated better in a colder environment. However, in the
warmer Kerocene epoch which followed, the competition between
programs became more fierce, and the first carnivorous programs
such as viruses began to develop. Parasitic organisms such as
statistics gathering tools also evolved during this period.
During these periods, thousands of strains of primitive programs
evolved, thrived for a while, and died out. But it was not until
the advent of the customer that programs began to assume the
importance that they have today. The oldest known customer,
Pithecanthropurchaser, was discovered at Olduvai Gorge by Dr.
Louis B. Sneaky. Fossil remains and other evidence indicate that
the Pithecanthropurchaser whose remains Dr. Sneaky discovered
died while waiting for a customer service line to take him off
hold. (Of course, the average life span of the
Pithecanthropurchaser was only about 35 years, so this is not too
surprising.)
The next step in the evolution of software was the invention of
the requirements document. Until the requirements document,
programs were purchased without being expected to do anything
specific, or in some cases because they had done something
interesting and the purchaser hoped that they might do it again.
There was, however, no clear perception that a certain input
might result in a certain output. The first requirements
document is believed to have been a gift from aliens who carved
it on a large basalt block, as dramatized in the movie "2001."
The existence of requirement specs led purveyors of software to
experiment with interbreeding of programs in order to produce
desired characteristics. Gregor Mental, a monk, discovered that
certain characteristics (such as Help Key Support) were
recessive, but could be passed on to future generations of
software. Thus a program with both the recessive help function
and the dominant no help would not have help key support, but the
offspring of two such programs would have one chance in four of
having this characteristic. (What we would now call a feature.)
Meanwhile, the first steps toward a Software Engineering Process
Aggregation had been taken. The so-called "Midas" (or "Through
the Goose") model, popular during the Middle Ages and Early
Renaissance, looked like this:
FRONT VIEW SIDE VIEW
_______ __________________
/ Đ đ đ
/Đ ENG /Đ đ đ
/ Đ / Đ Customer đ đ
/ Đ()/ Đ =======đ đ=====
Đ PLM đđMFG / Input đ đ
Đ đđ / đ đ
Đ_đđ_/ đ___________________đ
As the diagram shows, this model allowed Engineering, PLM and
Manufacturing to go round and round in circles, while Customer
input went in one end and out the other without stopping.
The next model, used throughout most of the 20th century, was the
"Osmosis" model:
______________________________
CUSTOMER đ đ đ đ
INPUT -------->đ PLM đ R&D đ Mfg đ---> PRODUCT
đ_________đ_________đ_________đ
This model has the advantage, for the customer, that some of the
customer's requirements may, with some luck, filter through into
the product by a process similar to osmosis.
But what, we may ask, is the model of the '90s and beyond?
Predictions, of course, are dangerous, but many scientists now
believe that the "Osmosis" model will be replaced by the so-
called "Milli Vanilli" model (sometimes also referred to as the
"Tom Sawyer" model) in which the customers actually produce the
software themselves, and the producer sells it back to them at a
profit. Naturally, this model presents great challenges to the
marketing and sales organizations.
Thus, to summarize, we see that the development of software
engineering process has made considerable progress over the past
few eons, and yet in the end we must conclude that it still makes
very little sense.
Thank you. Good night.
english.522vkrstonosic,
The war in the Persian Gulf has brought about the use of many new
high-tech American weapons, weapons that until now had never been
tested in combat. Most of these weapons have met with astonishing
success, but none with as much success as the Stealth Missle. The
Stealth Missle has the ability to avoid all forms of detection, not
just electronic, but visual as well. Here is a video, recently
released by the military, of the Stealth Missle in action.
ŠScene: Iraqi war room. Several Iraqi officers are discussing a map of
the middle east.Ć
Officer : So it is decided! We will launch more SCUDs at Tel Aviv
tonight!
ŠA knock at the door.Ć
Officer : Who is it?
Voice : Mr. Al-Hakbarrraazzer...?
Officer : What did you say?
Voice : Mr. Hussezzakbaghdiz...?
Officer : I can't understand you! Who is this?
ŠpauseĆ
Voice : Plumber...
Officer : We don't need a plumber! We no longer have running water!
ŠpauseĆ
Voice : Candygram...
Officer : Okay, wise guy! Who is this really?
ŠpauseĆ
Voice : CNN reporter...
Officer : Oh! Okay, you can come in!
ŠThe officer opens the door revealing a missle wearing a trenchcoat
and Groucho glasses. It flies into the room and detonates.Ć
Now aren't you glad your Congress voted the appropriations?
english.523vkrstonosic,
Here is a memory refresher for those who have taken the "Managing
Interpersonal Relationships" (MIR) course. If you haven't taken
the course yet, you can read these notes and won't have to! Any
similarity between characters or events in this posting and characters
(living or dead) or events in real life is purely (or puerilely)
coincidental.
Michael Schoonover (303) 229-3552
michaelčhpfcla.hp.com Hewlett-Packard Co.
notes from
"MANGLING IMPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS"
Copious research has conclusively shown that there are exactly
two dimensions to human personality: self-control and evangelism.
THE SELF-CONTROL SCALE
The self-control scale denotes the degree to which a person maintains
control of his or her emotions. Humans are evenly distributed along
this scale with Spock at one end (although he is really half Vulcan) and
Sally Field at the other (see Figure 1).
Figure 1. Self-Control Scale
Self-Control
+---------------------------------------+
đ đ
Spock Sally Field
đ đ
Shows absolutely no Operates purely on
emotion whatsoever, unless emotion. Cries when
under the influence of mind- reading "The Family Circus"
altering drugs, such as pod or when nominated for an
spray. Oscar.
THE EVANGELISM SCALE
The evangelism scale denotes the degree to which a person forces his
or her opinions and beliefs on others. Like the self-control scale,
humans are evenly distributed on this scale, with Supreme Court
nominees on one end and Jimmy Swaggert at the other (see Figure 2).
Figure 2. Evangelism Scale
Evangelism
+---------------------------------------+
đ đ
Supreme Court Justice David Souter Swaggert
(before being nominated)
đ đ
Opinions could not Offers opinions freely
even be extricated and without provocation,
through Senate judicial often frothing at the
hearings. mouth and sweating
profusely.
WHERE ARE YOU ON THE SCALES?
Where each person falls on the self-control and evangelism scales is
genetically predetermined and can be calculated from a questionnaire of
20 or so questions that you give to five of your friends/coworkers.
This questionnaire was scientifically engineered and is backed up by
copious research, so regardless of who answers this questionnaire
(convenience store clerks, you mother, your worst enemies), your
location on the scales is always the same. Oh, there have been some
exceptions, but they were due to people getting confused when filling in
the dots on the questionnaire.
THE PERSONALITY QUADRANTS
Copious research has shown that there are four quadrants in which we
can stereotype human personalities (see Figure 3). This graph is
derived from the two personality scales, with Evangelism as the X axis
and Self-Control as the Y axis.
Figure 3. The Personality Quadrants
low E v a n g e l i s m high
(0) +--------------------------+--------------------------+(20)
đ đ đ
đ đ đ
đ Anal-Retentives đ Megalomaniacs đ
đ đ đ
đ đ đ
S đ đ đ
e đ đ đ
l đ đ đ
f đ đ đ
- đ đ đ
C +--------------------------+--------------------------+
o đ đ đ
n đ đ đ
t đ Spineless Wimps đ Psychotics đ
r đ đ đ
o đ đ đ
l đ đ đ
đ đ đ
đ đ đ
đ đ đ
đ đ đ
+--------------------------+--------------------------+
high
(20)
Once your location on the scales is determined, we can plot your
personality on a graph and pigeon-hole you for life! For example, if
your questionnaire shows 1 on the Self-Control scale and 1 on the
Evangelism scale, you would be classified as an Anal-Retentive, and
are probably enjoying these numbers immensely. If you scored 19 on
Self-Control and 19 on Evangelism, you are a Psychotic and are
probably throwing a tantrum at this moment. Of course, there is no
value judgement placed on any location in the quadrant: It's OK to be
a Spineless Wimp; it's OK to by Psychotic; it's OK to be where-ever
you are (although YOUR location is rather abnormal).
By definition, the personality type of a particular quadrant hates the
personality type in the opposite quadrant. So, ARs hate Psychotics and
vice versa; likewise for SWs and Megalomaniacs. Understanding the hatred
between these groups is the first step to building good teamwork!
The Anal-Retentive Quadrant (The Author's Quadrant!)
Characteristics: Good with numbers, likes to work with machines
more than humans, not fun at parties (unless everyone
else is AR also), lots of them are engineers.
Nicknames: Einstein, Good Engineer, Boring, The Computer
Favorite Phrase: I need more data.
Handles Conflict by: Playing video games.
Famous ARs: Carl Sagan, Ayn Rand
The Spineless Wimps Quadrant
Characteristics: Always friendly, always agreeable, make you feel good
until you turn your back on them, soft handshake, good
at organizing parties.
Nicknames: Ol' Reliable, Mr(s). Happy, Two-Faced Rat
Favorite Phrase: I agree.
Handles Conflict by: Giving in and then not inviting you to the next party.
Famous SWs: George Bush, Dan Quayle
The Megalomaniacs Quadrant
Characteristics: Cold, decisive, power-hungry, has delusions of
grandeur, lets you know where you stand (usually within
earshot of a crowd), dictatorial.
Nicknames: Idi Amin, The Dictator, The Robot, The Rotten Bastard
Favorite Phrase: You're wrong!
Handles Conflict by: Killing those who disagree.
Famous Ms: Saddam Heussin, Alexander Haig
The Psychotics Quadrant
Characteristics: Bubbly, bubbly, so-bubbly-you-want-to-strangle-them,
obnoxious, insecure, humorous, fun at parties
(especially when throwing a temper tantrum).
Nicknames: Barrel-O-Fun, The Clown, The Psycho
Favorite Phrase: I have a vision.
Handles Conflict by: Threatening to kill self and everyone else.
Famous Ps: Sam Kinnison, Sally Field
THE FLEXIBILITY SCALE
In addition to the four quadrants, there is another dimension to
personality (even though I said there were only two before). This other
dimension is flexibility, also known as schizophrenia. This scale
denotes how well can a person fake another personality type (see Figure 4).
Figure 4. The Flexibility Scale
+--------------+--------------+-----------------+----------------+
đ đ đ đ đ
Catatonic Paranoid Split Personality Triphrenia Quadrophenia
đ đ đ đ đ
Does not even Most people Manages to fake Three The ultimate
have a are here. an additional personalities! in flexibil-
personality. personality. ity. Can
fake all four
personality
types.
Although we can never change our basic location in the personality
quadrants, we can strive for and achieve greater flexibility! For
example, you may be merely paranoid now, but with a little work in this
course, you could become a split personality or even quadrophenic! The
key to flexibility is understanding the other personality types so that
you can quickly and easily pigeon-hole those around you and understand
what makes them tick. Once you know how to do this, you will find that
it is much easier to manipulate those around you!
SUMMARY
You now know everything you need to better mangle impersonal
relationships. Good luck! And remember: It's much easier to work
with people once you've stereotyped them.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funnyčlooking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line.
So many people use "joke" or "submission" like I was expecting something else?
english.524vkrstonosic,
Rec.Humor.Funny
Rules for Submitters
READ THIS IF YOU PLAN TO SUBMIT A JOKE
(I mean it)
If you plan to submit material for rec.humor.funny, I ask you to follow
the set of guidelines detailed below. Some of these may seem contrived
and arbitrary, and some exist simply to make my life a little easier.
The principle behind this is simple -- if you violate one of my pet
peeves in your submission, I'm going to go into your joke already biased
against it. As objective as I try to be, that makes it less likely I
will accept the joke.
In brief:
Provide a meaningful subject line
Submit to the right address -- there are several
One joke per submission
Attribute the source
No copyrighted works
No other people's net postings
Cleary mark original submissions
Avoid signatures, particularly long ones
Spell check and manually proofread your submissions
Check out other formatting and joke type guidelines
o) Give your jokes a meaningful Subject line. So many people send
me submissions entitled "joke" -- as if I were expecting something else.
I want a subject line that I can use as the title for your joke. Something
that will distinguish it from all the other jokes in the group. Don't spoil
the joke, of course.
o) Only put one joke per submission. I rate all the jokes, and it's hard to
rate a group of jokes as they will be sure to vary. If you send me a
group of jokes, I will often just take the best one.
o) Attribute the source of your joke. Tell me anything you know.
If it's one line from a comedian's routine, name the comedian. If you
heard it from your brother, say that. If you wrote it yourself, definitely
say so, as I will give it preferential treatment. (I know nobody's
heard it.)
o) Don't send entire copyrighted works. Excerpts are OK, if they take the
form of news, or a review of the work. A single line from a show, movie
or routine (with attribution) is OK, but not a large collection or verbatim
transcript. Don't send me professional columns like Dave Barry's. I just
can't send these out without permission.
o) If your submission is original, tell me that clearly. It can then
qualify for the RHF original comedy awards. In fact, mail it to
originalčlooking.on.ca and it will be tagged as original. If it's
topical and original, mail to topical, and say at the top that you wrote it.
o) If you see a copyrighted work you would like to submit, call and
ask the copyright holder. You will be surprised -- many are glad to
see a reprint with proper credit. Try it!
o) Don't submit other people's postings (unless they were posted from the
USA before April 1, 1989 without a copyright notice.) Instead, if you
see a posting in a non-humour group that you think would still be very
funny when taken completely out of context, mail the poster and encourage
him or her to submit it to rec.humor.funny. Mention the RHF policy sheet
to them when you send this note of encouragement.
o) Proofread and spell-check your jokes. It's amazing how bad the
submissions I get are in this department. You're writing for tens of
thousands of people. That's more people than would read a typical letter
to the editor of a large daily newspaper. Don't look like an idiot in print.
o) Punctuate quotations properly. Follow the typographer's rule that periods
and commas ALWAYS go inside closing quotes. Here are some examples of how
to do quoting:
He said, "The best things in life are disgusting," and then
went home.
"You aren't a string, are you?" he asked. (Note no comma)
She yelled at the umpire, "Your mother was an anti-Christ!"
o) Break paragraphs with a blank line. This will help me a lot when I
typeset next year's annual. In general, format your jokes the way you
might see them in a nice joke book. Don't hyphenate from one line to
the next.
o) Don't right justify your text. Right justified monospaced
text is actually *harder* to read on a CRT screen than plain
old, ragged-right text. If you use a formatter, use a 50 column
line width.
o) Submissions to funnyčlooking.on.ca get an automatic reply done by
software, and a further reply (usually within a week) if they are accepted.
Accepted jokes go into a queue that can take a month to empty. Topical jokes
go out faster. Some replies don't make it due to bad mailers, I'm afraid.
If you don't need any reply, mail to rhfčlooking.on.ca.
o) If I reply to your joke, and you want to respond, you must include
a description of the joke in your response. Remember that I send out
around 20 rejection notices a day, and when I get your reply back, I
won't have the faintest idea which of many jokes you're talking about.
In general, only reply if you must, but if you don't include the context,
I will just say, "huh?"
o) Keep a short signature, with just your name and location. If you
add extra, I just have to delete it. So there.
o) Mail jokes instead of posting them to the group in the hope that the
automatic forwarding software will mail the joke to me. It doesn't always
work, and I often can't reply to submissions posted that way, so you will
wonder what went on. Mail JOKES, and only jokes, to funnyčlooking.on.ca.
Comments and questions (not submissions) go to funny-requestčlooking.on.ca.
NOTHING related to the newsgroup should go to my personal mailbox,
bradčlooking, unless I mail you a question from that account. Jokes sent
to my personal mailbox get rejected unless they're the best joke of the
year.
o) If your joke is topical -- based on current events, and needs faster
processing, mail it to topicalčlooking.on.ca. Don't mail non-topical jokes
there in the hope that they will be looked at faster, I will throw them
away or delay them further. Note this means a joke *about* the news, not
a joke you heard on the news.
o) Anything that's not a joke goes to funny-requestčlooking.on.ca. If
you send administrative notes to funnyčlooking.on.ca they will be lost
or delayed. "funny" is not even a mailbox. Only funny-request is
a mailbox.
o) Don't put form feeds in jokes. Warning people that a punchline is coming
is a good way to spoil it for them.
o) I give a very low rating to puns. I only accept puns that have some
humour to them beyond the pun. Make that a *lot* of humour to them
beyond the pun.
o) Collection jokes like light bulb jokes, JAP jokes, WASP jokes, "do its,"
bumper stickers, T-shirts, licence plates, Tom swifties etc. should go
to the collectors who reside in rec.humor. Rarely, I will post particularly
funny or original ones that I know are not in the collections.
o) Try not to send me too many duplicates. If you send me stuff
that's in the rec.humor.funny annual jokebooks, you'll just get back
an ad telling you to buy the jokebooks so I don't get burdened with
lots of duplicates.
o) If I reject your joke, keep trying. Most people get rejections, and even
the people you see who have been published multiple times get lots of
rejections.
o) I'm human. I do make mistakes from time to time, and going over thousands
of jokes as I do, that adds up to more often than I would like. I forget
to rotate some offensive jokes, and I make editing mistakes, too. Just
because you knew a joke or didn't find one funny doesn't mean that a lot
of people didn't enjoy it. If you must complain, and some people must,
remember that while you're typing your complaint on a computer, you're
sending it to a human being.
Written Humour
Remember most of all that you're submitting written humour. That's
a lot different from spoken humour, standup comedy, situational
humour, improvised humour and stories where "you had to be there."
Written humour is perhaps the toughest form. You don't get the
advantage of delivery, surprise or a funny face. You don't get a
drunk audience (usually) or a chance to use your great German
accent. You must prepare a joke that stands on its own.
Worst of all, the person reading the joke is *expecting* a joke,
and that takes out the surprise, one of the most important elements
in comedy.
When you submit a joke, try to make it work well as written humour.
I reject a lot of stuff that was much funnier when done or said. 95%
of standup comedy doesn't work as written humour. Bumper stickers are
funny when you see them on a car on a highway, but less so in a book.
T-shirt sayings are great on a T-shirt.
Some jokes can be translated if you're careful. But if you submit
something from a non-written medium, don't be too surprised if it
doesn't make it.
english.525vkrstonosic,
Our exalted PM is sitting at home one night when Mila is out of town for a
couple of days, and he is feeling a bit randy. In order to resolve this
situation he decides to pay a visit to the local red-light district.
Walking to one particularly well-known area he comes up to a lady of the
evening and asks her how much it would cost him for an evening of pleasure.
"200 dollars", she replies, "plus 14 dollars GST".
Since he was not on an expense account he decides that this price is a
little high and continues walking. A short time later he spies another
young lady and approaches her with the same question.
"100 dollars", she replies, "plus 7 dollars GST".
Still a little out of his price range he continues walking. Finally he
comes upon another willing lady. He again poses the question to her. She
looks at him and asks, "Aren't you Brian Mulroney, the prime minister?".
Hoping for a better deal he replies "Why yes, I am. Will you give me a
discount?".
The woman thinks for a second and then replies, "Mister Prime Minister, if
you can raise my skirt like you raised the taxes, lower my panties like you
lowered our wages, make me hotter than my apartment ever gets, take charge
of me the way George Bush takes charge of you, get that thing of yours as
hard as the times, keep it up like the gas prices, make it as long as the
welfare lines and screw me the way you do the public, then mister Prime
Minister it won't cost you a damn cent."
english.526vkrstonosic,
Q: "What do Saddam Hussein and his father have in common?"
A: "They both pulled out a little too late .."
šed Many are also submitting a joke about the Saddam condom for
big dicks who don't pull out on time.ć
english.527vkrstonosic,
DOS 5.0 will have a command called SETVER, which will insure compatibility
with other DOS versions. For instance, if you have one of those old programs
that would run best under DOS 2.0, you would issue the command SETVER 2.0, and
DOS would reset itself for complete compatibility!
The first thing I am gonna do when I get DOS 5.0? Why, of course, I'm gonna
put SETVER 5.01 in my AUTOEXEC, so that I won't have to put up with all
those annoying bugs!
english.528vkrstonosic,
A Jew immigrating from Russia was very nervous. He had escaped the
Czar's draft, often a death sentence itself, and was afraid that of he gave his
name, he might be sent back back But what to say? So he finally stmmered out
"ich hub schoen forgessen" (I have forgotten). So the Immigration officer
listed him as "Sean Ferguson"!
(I do not imply that there is any truth to the above as far as I know -
I apologize for any butchery of the Yiddish)
The second I heard from my father, and there is some truth to it, at
least the last part:
An tailor from Galicia (Austrian-annexed Poland, from which my
great-grandparents came) arrived at immigration and gave his name as "Yankel"
since he never used his very Polish last name anyway. After some
back-and-forth with the immigration, he said loudly and slowly "YAN- KELL-LE"
and ended up with the name "John Kelly".
Supposedly, my great-grandmother knew him and when my father (O"H) was
born, since he was going to be named "Jacob" in English and "Yaakov" in Hebrew
for his paternal grandfather (a rather tragic tradition in my family for the
last few generation 8-( ) my great-grandmother announced that the family now
had their own John Kelly. "Kelly" is a nickname that stuck with my father
through his entire life. Did the Galicianer tailor named "John Kelly" really
exist? Ich hib schoen foegessen!!
Robert Siegfried
Computer Science Dept.
Saint Peter's College
Jersey City, NJ 07306
siegfried_rčspcvxa.spc.edu
english.529vkrstonosic,
Two emigrants from the same "Stedtl" (žžvillage'' in Yiddish language)
in Polish Galicia meet again in New York. One of them became a rich
banker, and the other one...? He stayed what he had already been in
Galicia: a poor musician. Asks the banker: "What do you do, that you
are as poor as you have been in Galicia?" He answers: "Well, I am a
musician, I play Fagott (bassoon)."
"Nebbich", says the banker, "you must not play far Gott (for God), you
must play far di Leut (for the people)."
ŠIt's impossible to translate the play on words that results from the
similarity of žžFagott spielen'' - play the bassoon - and žžfar Gott
spielen'' - play for God - and žžfar di Leut'' - for the people (rich,
of course) -. žžFar'' is a deformation of the German word žžfuer''
or the English word žžfor''.-Ć
Shalom,
-Alexander
--
Alexander Horn, Sindelfingen, Bundesrepublik D, Europa
english.530vkrstonosic,
For the guy requesting dog jokes:
Why was Hellen Kellers leg yellow?
A: Her dog was blind too.
What was Hellen Kellers dogs name?
A: rghmphtrmph
What do you do with a dog with no legs?
A: Take him for a drag.
What do you call the same dog?
A: Don't matter. He won't come anyway.
Why does a dog lick his balls?
A: No, not because he can. Because he knows he'll be
licking your face.
--
" Kill my wife? Pillage my daughter? Milk my cow? I am outraged!!! "
" Don't be afraid of your freedom " -The Soup Dragons "
ehgčaramis.rutgers.edu
english.531vkrstonosic,
yeah, i know all that stuff about copyright infringement, but.....
does anyone have a copy/give me their version of the Python
sketch where the stuffy old men, sitting in their "Club" are
telling of their impoverished youth....each one trying to outdo
the other?
i'm not sure if this was ever one of the sketches on the tv series,
or was in one of the "Secret Policeman" performances.
i think it ends up with one of them saying they lived in a
"shoebox in the middle of the lake, ate cold gravel every morning,
and the father would kill them twice a day....and dance on their
graves"
any help?
thanks!
Ray
ps: and if you tell that to the kids these days.....they won't believe you!
english.532vkrstonosic,
Let's say you wanted to get the Def American release of Andrew Dice
Clay's "Eat My Meat, Mother Fucker", but you had to pay for it by the
beat......
And let's say you went to one of those fancy music stores where you
could only afford about -fuck- that much....
Nice beat, but the same amount at K-Mart will get you a lot more of
them. "You mother fucking, cock sucking son of a bitch......"
english.533vkrstonosic,
All this talk about stupid computer users reminds me of
a few stories that was reported in a magazine a while back over
here in the uk.
One guy wanted his Atari 800 to play space invaders faster so
he bypassed the power pack and plugged in right into the mains.
240V instead of 12V smoke one Atari.
Another lady was concerned that there wasn't a mouse in her
new computers box, always quick to improvise she
went down the pet shop and brought one!!!!.
A while ago(č1983) is was a fad amoung some computer mags to include a
flexible record on the cover, this would contain some computer programs
which could be copied onto tape using a normal Hi-Fi.
This magazine (What Computer I think) had a phone call from a
concerned man stating that he could only get it in his disk drive if
he folded it in half!
--
--- COMMANDE
english.534vkrstonosic,
>From the Sunday edition of the San Jose Mercury News, Perspective
(editorial) section;
žSaddam says he doesn't care about the oil spill, didn't
cause it, snd won't clean it up. Who does he think he is,
president of Exxon?'
Jay Leno (Likely from the Tonight Show)
--
daniel hinojosa... email -=> hinojosačhpwrc07.hp.com đ Mountain View, CA
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Jesus Saves!... But Gretzky gets the rebound. He Shoots. He SCOOORES!!!
english.535vkrstonosic,
(Condensed from the book by John S. Crosbie)
Much has been written about helping plants to grow by playing music or
singing to them. Success has now been reported by a man who has been
experimenting with obscene fern calls.
At a local popular racket club, you have to book well ahead if you want to
reserve a tennis court. One tennis enthusiast was so soncerned about not
losing his booking that he left early from his wife's funeral. It was a
case of putting the court before the hearse.
One night a breeze came up while an orchestra was giving an open-air
rendition of Schubert's Ninth Symphony. During the intermission, most of
the musicians spent their time tying down their music to their stands. The
bass players, however, went to a nearby lounge for a few faqst drinks.
When the conductor returned to the podium, he was dismayed to find in the
last half of the Ninth the scores were tied and the basses loaded.
Rabbit is a favorite dish in Paris. They raise them in the hutch back of
Notre Dame.
My greatest contribution to humor came when I taught my pet lizard to walk
on its hind legs. It was the world's first stand-up chameleon.
When the FBI arrested the head of a Mafia family, he turned out to be a
very proud man and kept refusing to answer their questions. They grilled
him all night without success but, finally, when morning came the don
broke.
An inexperienced butcher in northern Canada was asked by a hunter to cut up
and package a huge moose. Never having seen one before, the young man
nonetheless managed to get it cut into pieces and to parcel and label the
obvious parts: steaks, chops, ribs, etc. He had a lot of pieces left over,
however, that he couldn't identify. So he parceled each of them as well
and marked them "Mooselaneous."
It is a little known fact that many lighthouse keepers raise hens.
Apparently, they like to have eggs with their beacon.
I don't normally post or read this newsgroup, so if I get comments I will
post the rest. please send mail as per my sig file below:
english.536vkrstonosic,
New Official Politically Correct labels for 1991.
You Must Comply
old new
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
conservative reactionary
The Establishment White Power Elite
hearing person temporarily aurally abled
sighted person temporarily visually abled
blind visually challenged
mute vocally challenged
dead metabolically different
alive temporarily metabolically abled
ugly aesthetically challenged
rude politically correct (tm)
psychopath socially misaligned
bald follicularly challenged
non-white, non-male oppressed
white melanin impoverished/genetically oppressive
white male oppressor
black african-american
asian asian-american
afro-american african-american
pregnancy parasitic oppression
janitor sanitation engineer
dish washer utensil sanitizer
dairy where cows are raped
ranch where cattle are murdered
egg ranch where hens are raped
biology department where animals are tortured and then murdered
to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white
male scientist lakeys of the imperialistic
drug companies
fishing raping the oceans
farming exploiting mother earth
paper bag processed tree carcass
Many of the labels from the 80's are now passe. Here is a partial
list of the denotations that are now acceptable (all labels are subject
to change without notice).
old 80's 90's
--- ---- ----
deaf hearing impaired aurally challenged
blind sight impaired visually challenged
retarded mentally handicapped mentally challenged
queer gay/homosexual queer Šstrange but trueĆ
fat big boned alternative body image
english.537vkrstonosic,
There was this fisherman sitting at the Lakefront (New Orleans), just
like any other Tuesday morning. Well, he was having such a hard hard
time with this one catch that he started to curse:
- YOU, SON OF A BITCH...
At the same time a priest was passing way, and he heard this
so he said:
- OH! SON YOU SHOULD NOT SAY THAT, OR YOU WILL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!
The fisherman after seeing him replied:
- NO FATHER, YOU SEE THIS IS THE NAME OF THIS PARTICULAR FISH
SPECIES...
Following, the priest, believing his answer, decided to help the fisherman
since he was having such a tough time. Once the fish was cut the fisherman
decided to make a good deed and told the priest:
- WELL FATHER, SEEN HOW MUCH WORK YOU PUT IN THIS CATCH , WHY
DON'T YOU TAKE THE FISH SINCE I ALREADY HAVE A FEW FOR MYSELF...
LET ME GIVE YOU AN EXTRA BUCKET OF ICE THAT I HAVE GOT...
- WELL THANK YOU SON... The priest replied.
Once at the monastery the priest showed his price possession to the cardinal
as he was walking to kitchen:
- CARDINAL JUST LOOK AT THE SON OF A BITCH I CAUGHT TODAY
The cardinal immediately replied:
- FATHER YOU SHOULD NOT SAY THAT OR YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!
- NO, (the priest said) THAT IS THE NAME OF THIS SPECIES...
- WELL SINCE THE POPE IS IN TOWN LETS INVITE HIM FOR DINNER
( the cardinal suggested ).
Once at dinner the priest, cardinal and the pope right after praying began
to eat the fish. The priest commented:
- THIS SON OF A BITCH TASTE GREAT!!!
The pope just looked at him, right after which the cardinal said:
- ACTUALLY IS THE BEST SON OF A BITCH I EVER HAD!!!
The pope then gave a stare at the cardinal and after a moment of thought
he said:
-YOU KNOW, YOU TWO MOTHER FUCKERS ARE ARIGHT!!!
D Man...
english.538vkrstonosic,
A couple had been issueless for years before they were blessed
with a baby.
The wife was overjoyed and told her husband to proclaim the news
by inserting an ad in Washington Times. The husband came back
with a bill for $20000.
Wife: What ? $ 20000 ?
Husband: Yes. They asked me how many insertions and I said 2 per
day for 6 years.
english.539vkrstonosic,
Veni, Vidi, Vici!
--Julius Caesar, 49 B.C.
Vidi, Vici, Veni!
--Modern Guy
Vini, Vidi, Veggi!
--Couch Potato.
english.540vkrstonosic,
A guy has a parrot as a pet . This parrot is rather a mischievous creature.
He has a habit of going to the next door neighboor, who incidently pets
ducks, and rapes them. As he rapes them, the ducks try to resist by pecking
his crest resulting in loss of fur on the parrots head. He starts balding.
The neighboor is really fed up with this parrot so he threatens its owner
that if he did not lock the parrot in the house, he would personally barbeque
it. So the parrot remains locked in the house for a long time.
One day this owner decides to host a huge party in his house so to impress
the guests , he teaches this parrot to talk . He decides to have the parrot sit
on the perch near the door and recieve the guests. He also teaches the parrot
to recognize the male and the female guests by the length of their hair. Long
haired humans are females and rather short haired ones are males. On the
day of the party the parrot does a good job:
He receives guests as taught:
Ladies to the left , gents to the right!!
Ladies to the left , gents to the right!!
Ladies to the left , gents to the right!!
Ladies to the left , gents to the right!!
Ladies to the left , gents to the right!!
Ladies to the left , gents to the right!!
Ladies to the left , gents to the right and DUCK_FUCKERS behind me!!
english.541vkrstonosic,
A man went to Alaska for six monthes...When he left he was a ninety-eight pound
weakling. But, when he returned he was a husky fucker!
HA HA HAAAAA !!
HA HA HA HA !!
HAAAAA HAAAAA !!
HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA !!
BY THE WAY, CAN SOMEONE MAIL ME DOG JOKES?
I'D BE REALLY GRATEFUL!
ROAD DAWG.
english.542vkrstonosic,
> For what it's worth, Iraq is not a fundamentalist society, and as
> far as we know there are no prohibitions against Iraqi women driving.
> It's SAUDI women who aren't allowed to drive. You know, the ones
> in the country that American WOMEN as well as men are defending!
>
What gets me is Bush's speeches regarding Democracy (capital 'D' was
deliberate) and how the US is helping to defend and establish
democracy through the liberation of Kuwait. Excuse me....but isn't
Kuwait a monarchy? Isn't the establishment of a UN government in
Kuwait very similar to what Saddam Numbnuts is doing? (Yes, I realize
that there have been atrocities attributed to the takeover, but Iraqi
radio is saying the same sort of things about us...makes me wonder)
Is the only difference between the Good Guys and the Bad Guys the
colour of the hats?
english.543vkrstonosic,
>Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
>knows what it is.
This is so true. A friend was talking to a doctor who mentioned a disease whose
name was latin for "red blotches" (pretty technical stuff, huh?). My friend
said that must make it easy but the doctor said it didn't because so many
things cause red blotches!
raf
--
Robert A Fabian đ I read a book once.
rafčbasser.cs.su.oz.au đ Green it was.
Basser Department of Computer Science đ - Porridge
University of Sydney đ
english.544vkrstonosic,
Here's a stupid computer user story in that vein:
One day while working in a campus computer site, I was sitting at a
terminal. A girl came from the other room and said, "I can't find the
any key."
I looked up at her with a perplexed look and asked, "What."
"I can't find the any key, you know, hit any key to continue."
With that, she realized what it meant and turned bright red. It was
really all I could do not to burst out laughing right in her face.
-James
english.545vkrstonosic,
Did you here about Norwood of the Bills ?
Apparently, he was so upset after he missed the field goal at the Super Bowl;
he
went to his hotel room and pulled out a revolver. When he tried shoot himself
he was wide to the right 5 yards.
ha ha ha !!!!
The Bills suck.
english.546vkrstonosic,
Here's some things I've encountered working at a public lab:
1. (Mac SE)
"How do I start MacWrite??"
"See that arrow on the screen. Use the mouse to position the arrow
over the network icon ŠI point to network iconĆ, and press the mouse
button twice"
User picks up mouse, places it on monitor, and drags mouse across the
screen.
2. (Mac SE)
"Excuse me, there is an Empty-folder virus on my disk"
3. (Mac SE)
"There must be something wrong with this boot disk--the computer won't
come up"
Walk over and turn on machine. (Note: The computer only had one switch;
monitor was internal)
4. (PS/2 50z with harddisk)
A user just finished printing out a paper. He did not have his
own disk, but instead used a 16k vdisk (d:) that is created by the
autoexec.bat. When it finished printing, he shut the machine off.
"O there's big mastake--good thing I saved it on the d disk!"
Stush aka jjj101čpsuvm.psu.edu and jesesnkyčendor.cs.psu.edu
english.547vkrstonosic,
A couple of somewhat more primitive stories involving card readers (if you
don't remember them, go ask the oldest programmer you can find):-
When I was in school, our public access card reader was put out of
commission for about a week because of someone who didn't know he had to
take the rubber bands off the deck before using it. After the card reader
was fixed, he did it again.
A friend of mine at Univ. Texas (Austin) was walking past a card reader.
Standing in front of it was a student looking in confusion from the
flowchart in his hand to the input hopper of the card reader. He kept
trying different ways to fold it.
David Gutierrez
drgčmdaali.cancer.utexas.edu
"Only fools are positive." - Moe Howard
english.548vkrstonosic,
> I'm taking a duel major of computer science and EE.
>
> This means that my programs work *PERFECTLY* the first time,
>
> but then I don't save them.
>
>
> OK OK another joke, naaah a stupid user story instead.
>
> A friend of mine who had a Trash-80 šTRS 80ć wrote several programs
>
> that were saved on cassette tape. He lent them to someone who wanted
top
>
> learn to program. This individual then proceeded to pop the cassette
into
>
> his walkman, which destroyed the programs as he played the tape.
>
>
> * Is it funny? I don't know, I'm askin.
>
> Jcs120 The Tinkster
Since when do Walkmans have a destructive playback mode?
Hmmmm...must be pretty expensive to have to keep buying
tapes to listen to.
"Unique."
______Opinions stated are my own. Transcripts available by request______
===
=--==== AT&T Canada Inc. John Benfield
=----==== 3650 Victoria Park Ave. Network Support Analyst (MIS)
=----==== Suite 800
==--===== Willowdale, Ontario attmail : čjbenfield
======= M2H-3P7 email : uunet!attcan!john
=== (416) 756-5221 Compu$erve: 72137,722
__ ...Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,__
______________and you would not have been informed._____________________
english.549vkrstonosic,
(probably only funny to engineers and other obnoxious people. :)
I'm an EET grad myself and we used to always wander the halls
chanting outside certain lecture halls and classrooms silly enough
to leave thier doors open. Our favorites were:
The 'Artsies'...
"Pencil: point down, eraser up"
"Lens cap off...point and shoot"
Civil Engineering: (an oxymoron)
"Two parts mortar, three parts sand"
(in reference to the 2 inch thick manual they used that consisted
primarily of formulas for building materials)
etc. etc. etc.
Occassionaly we would 'capture' a student (non-EE) and drag them
down to our pub and force them to renounce thier major on tape or
in writing. We were also well known for extremely elaborate and
technically elegant practical jokes. (though no REAL EE student ever
set a joke on April 1st. Too easy. The rest of the week was hell
though. Šthe week of Apr1 that isĆ)
Ahhh...those were the good old days =8)
english.550vkrstonosic,
OBJOKE:
What is a language - J.P. Benfield
----------------------------------
APL is not a language. It's a plot to sell customized keycaps and
to cause your numeric keypad to wear out before the rest of you keyboard.
ADA is not a language because the military uses it. Any language chosen
by an organization that pays $7000 for a toilet is not a language.
ALGOL is not a language. It's what happens when a programmable calculator
throws up into a card stack. Great way to get the CPU hot enough to pop
popcorn on.
ASSEMBLER is a language. Any language that can take a half-dozen keystrokes
and compile it down to one byte of code is all right in my books. Though
for the REAL programmer, assembler is a waste of time. Why use a compiler
when you can code directly into memory through a front panel.
BASIC is not a language. It's a plot to sucker poor unsuspecting consumers
into believing that they should buy a computer because ANYONE can learn
how to program.
BLISS is not a language. It's ritualistic typing exercises that result
in error listings longer than your source code and about as useless.
COBOL is not a language. Any code that sounds like a textbook for accounting
101 read by a pro wrestler is not written in a real language. It's also
a plot to make secretaries believe that they know how to program.
C is almost a real language. (see assembler) Even the name sounds like it's
gone through an optimizing compiler. Get rid of all of those stupid
brackets and we'll talk. (see LISP)
EFL is not a language. It's a way of writing FORTRAN code without
admitting to using FORTRAN.
FORTRAN is not a language. It's a way of turning a multi-million dollar
mainframe into a $50 programmable scientific calculator.
FORTH is not a language. It's the word between third and fifth mispelled.
JCL is not a language. Anything that runs on an IBM mainframe and ENJOYS
it is not a language.
LISP is not a language. LISP is a way to give young programmers instruction
in matching brackets in source code.
LOGO is not a language. It's a way to simulate 'skid marks' made by
turtles with serious bowel control problems.
PASCAL is not a language. It was an experiment combining the flexibilty
of C with that of a drug-crazed peguin. It is also the 'language' of choice
of many CompSci professors who aren't up to handling REAL programming. Hence,
it is not a language.
PL/I is not a language. It's a dialect first spoken by dinosaurs and
later implemented in order to scare CompSci majors into new career
choices.
RATFOR is not a language. It's a oxymoron. Nobody that programs in
Fortran is rational (unless they use it for coding adventure games.
Then it's a real language in that context). What's a RATFOR? For adding
ambience to an otherwise boring sewer expedition.
RPG is not a language. (See JCL) Often used to destroy high-speed band
printers with a slip of the fingers during coding.
SMALLTALK is not a language. It's the stuff that occurs around water coolers.
Combines the power and flexibility of LOGO with the fabulous string
handling capabilities of FORTRAN.
english.551vkrstonosic,
In article <3973člectroid.sw.stratus.com>, mmčlectroid.sw.stratus.com (Mike
Mahler) writes:
> In article <1991Jan26.220337.11082čux1.cso.uiuc.edu> magillčaltair (Aaron
Magill) writes:
> >I worked at a computer store for a couple of years... get some real weird
ones
> >at times...
> ...
> > We also got a call about the "any" key once...
> ...
> >Most people who have computer problems aren't stupid... just "computer
> >illterate." Work in a computer store to get calls from the stupid ones!
>
> Most people who have computer problems are, indeed, not stupid,
> they are, for the most part, victims of software enginerds who
> have no experience in writing clear and effective user interfaces.
I always thought the keyboard was a pretty good user interface. Clear
and effective. The silly piddling thing with the ball on the bottom
is just a communist plot to frustrate those who still beleive that
Lotus and Dbase are APPLICATIONS not LANGUAGES. And on that note, any
program that takes 512k of memory (plus another megabyte if you want
to actually USE the program) to do what could be done in 30k-50k of
tight code is not a program. It's a plot funded by the manufacturers
of semiconductor memories and disk drives.
As for writing 'user interfaces', you must mean a 'front-end'. People
who call a piece of code an 'interface' are the same ones who use
baud and bps interchangeable, call 1k a thousand bytes and actually
beleive that a system with a 25MHz clock is actually running at 48MHz
simply because a benchmark rates it at that.
>
> Not to mention the problem with lousy user manuals.
What's a manual?
"Most people who were involved in the 'computer revolution' in the 60's
70's and 80's keep asking themselves the same question. 'What the hell
happened?'" - John Benfield
english.552vkrstonosic,
You will think I am making this up, but I swear that this is true:
I was working for a now defauct merchant bank when another guy in our
(computer) department came into my office in hysterical laughter. He told
me he had just fielded a question from a woman whose department had
gotten PCs installed two months previously. (Not by our group, we wrote
software.)
She told him her problem, and he figured out that a few files were lost
from a floppy disk. "Do you make backups?" he asked hopefully.
"Oh, yes, we were instructed to copy all of our data disks every day."
"Well, put the backup copy in the computer, and I'll show you how to
restore the files."
"You mean put it in the printer?"
"Huh? Put it in the disk dirve."
"How am I going to do that?"
You see, each night they used a Xerox machine to copy their disks, and neatly
stored the pictures of each disk in a filing cabinet. My response was to
suggest that we fax them a new copy of their disk. :ž)
english.553vkrstonosic,
> > Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
>
> Uh Huh. And old mathematicians never die, either. They just lose
> their figures.
>
You seem to forget that an Engineer doesn't die either, they break their
own rules.
>> Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.
>
>Does somebody have the canonical list of
>
> Old ______ never die, they just _______?
>
>I would like a copy.
>
>Gary Stringham
>garysčfc.hp.com
>
>Joke: There are four sins, according to Disney World; smoking, eating,
>drinking, and flash photography.
I dont have the list, but how about:
Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings
Old typists never die; they just lose their justification.
Lexicographers may grow old but they never loose their meaning...
english.554vkrstonosic,
In much the same vein...
I will never forget the high shool assembly in which
it was requested that we quit crushing our butts on
on the toilet seats.
english.555vkrstonosic,
(Same joke, different punchline)
> A Polock wanted really badly for his wife to go down on him. He kept
>pleading with her. Finally she conceded, but she was nervous because she was
>not sure how to please him. He said, "Don't worry; take this catsup bottle and
>practice on it for a while until you get the hang of it."
> A few days later, his wife tells him that she thinks she is ready. He is
>ecstatic. They disrobe, get into bed, and she takes his dick in her hands and
>goes (hand motion of trying to shake catsup out of the bottle).
This goes on for a while, then the wife suddenly says, "There's nothing
coming out!" So she (hand motion of hitting buttom of catsup bottle.)
Hope you like it!
english.556vkrstonosic,
This was suggested by a friend and embellished by me:
A previous poster observed that several personalities had German surnames
that translated into amusing English nouns; an unmentioned example is
Gen. Schwarzkopf, or "blackhead." This leads one to observe that this
is the only war in memory that was won by a Blackhead, a Dick, a Colin and
a Bush.
-TW
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Do not use "looking.uucp" or just "looking."
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
english.557vkrstonosic,
Yesterday in American Public Policy 1946-present, professor Gillon was
talking about American liberals and their faith in the Kennedy clan.
He said that :
In 1964, Liberals thought "If only Jack had lived . . ."
In 1968, Liberals thought "If only Ed had lived . . ."
In 1969, they thought "If only Ted could drive . . ."
-Heard from Professor Steve Gillon
english.558vkrstonosic,
It seems that every cult show these days has a drinking game. Noramlly I
am too engrossed in a show to be concerned with intoxication ('Will Mr. Carlin
overcome his pessimism with Dr. Hartley's help?' 'How will Kirk get out of
this?' 'Gee Dan Rather looks like a toad', etc.) Fortunately, with Twin Peaks
on hiatus, I have a little time to imbibe, and to set ground tules for this
activity. So, here are the
RULES TO THE TWIN PEAKS DRINKING GAME
1) Get involved in TP. Speculate on its chance for survival. Get despondent
and drink.
2) Watch the schlock that replaces TP (e.g., 'Perfect Strangers is now 1 hour!
Hilarious hijinks ensue when Balki gets drafted during a visit to
Baghdad!'). Get despondent and drink.
3) Go out and spend $7 on a David Lynch film. Realise that you used to do
something similar -- for free. Get despondent and drink.
4) Watch your favorite actors doing thespial emasculation on the
newly-expanded
'Perfect Strangers'. (e.g.'Damn good coffee.' Thank you, back on
Mepos
we learned the secret to great coffee is human urine.' (*spit take*) )
Get despondent and drink.
5) Realise that you are no longer invited to parties, since you snubbed
everybo
on those Saturdays when your VCR was not working. Predict plot on
tonights "Perfect Strangers' (e.g. Oh no!! Balki does not understand
th
concept of prostitution. Watch the pimp beat the living hell out of
him
Oh no, now he has tetanus, and his jaw is locked up. This is too
insane for me!! I am becoming despondent, give me a drink!!)
6) Sit down and list all of the other shows you liked which have met a similar
fate. Sort them with respect to network. Now look at the total
Nielsen
ratings for each of these networks. Pretend you are a network
executive
looking at the consistent slide in viewership over the past few years.
React accordingly (i.e., get despondent and drink).
7) Now that you are quite blotto, again watch the show replacing TP. Doesn't
look so bad now, does it? Say, I can see myself building a tape
library of this show. Haha, that Balki is such a cut-up...
OK, I'm sure you all get the idea. Actually, I use this game quite a
lot -- finals time, thesis, social contacts, breathing -- all of these
are suitable subjects for a rousing game. Enjoy!
english.559vkrstonosic,
Q. What's the difference between "anxiety" and "panic?"
A. "Anxiety" is when, for the first time, you can't do it the second time;
"panic" is when, for the second time, you can't do it the first time.
english.560vkrstonosic,
There is some good news and bad news about Saddam Husein's war crimes trial
The good news is that President Bush will try him!!! The bad news is, the
trial will be held before the Senate Ethics Committee!
english.561vkrstonosic,
A colleague in my department tells this story. He emigrated from
Russia to Israel, and then from Israel to the USA. Besides being a
mathematician, he has had to be a linguist.
An American couple was visiting an Eastern European country. While
they were waiting at the border, they were talking to three soldiers
who knew some English. The soldiers were trying to explain why one
of the historical royal lines had died out.
The first soldier explains. "The queen, she was unbearable."
The second soldier interrupts. "No, no. Please excuse. My friend
does not speak English good. The queen, she was inconceivable."
The third soldier cannot contain himself and has to say "No, no, NO!
Please excuse my friends. Their English is not very well. They mean
the queen, she was impregnable."
english.562vkrstonosic,
This story was told to me by my father many years ago, since
I haven't read anything like it on the net, here goes...
A journalist arrived in Saudi Arabia and wanted to rent a camel
to ride across the desert to the war front. Inquiries led him
to Honest Amad's Camel Rentals in the middle of town. He found
Amad a likeable fellow and after receiving instruction on
controlling the beast, Amad told the journalist to lead the camel
to the watering hole and water the camel for a seven-day journey.
The journalist did just that and without any further ado, was on
his way. Five days into the journey, the camel fell over and
died.
The journalist became quite upset and stormed all the way back
to town and confronted Amad, "Your camel fell over and died out in
the middle of the desert!", the journalist said. "You did water him
for a seven-day trip as I instructed, didn't you?" Amad inquired.
The journalist responded, "Yes I did, I lead him to the watering
hole and let him drink his fill." "Aha!" Amad exclaimed, "That
is the problem, you only gave him a five-day supply of water."
The journalist became quite puzzled over this statement, so
Amad grabbed a camel and motioned for the journalist to follow.
When the two men arrived at the watering hole, Amad let the camel
start drinking. As the camel was just about finished quenching
his thirst, Amad picked up a rock in each hand and with a swing,
brought the two rocks together with a loud crack, crushing the
camels ball's. The camel sucked in a mighty breath, inhaling
several more gallons of water. "That is how you water a camel for
a seven-day journey" Amad explained. The journalist was dumb-
founded. He finally managed the stammer, "But, doesn't that
hurt?" Amad thought for a moment, then smiled and said "yes, but
only if you get your thumbs caught between the rocks."
english.563vkrstonosic,
This is from the February 1991 Reader's Digest ("Laughter, the Best
Medicine"),
"I'm lonely," Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. "I need to have
someone around for company."
"Okay," replied God. "I'm going to give you the perfect woman.
Beautiful, intelligent and gracious -- she'll cook and clean for you and
never say a cross word."
"Sounds good," Adam said. "But what's she going to cost?"
"An arm and a leg."
"That's pretty steep, " countered Adam. "What can I get for just a rib?"
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical@looking.on.ca
(ie. jokes which won't be funny if not given immediate attention.)
Anything that is not a joke submission goes to funny-request@looking.on.ca
english.564vkrstonosic,
Here's a soulful little ditty sung to the tune of "One Night In Bangkok"
from the musical "Chess." Lyrics by Michael T. Rose and Javier
Grillo-Marxuach.
{ed Congratulations. I usually don't do song parodies, as they rarely
work in written form....}
*Our Man In Baghdad*
Baghdad!
Middle Eastern city.
And the city don't know what the city will get.
The creme de la creme of the arsenal in a raid with
everything but Dan Quayle.
Bombs fly! Doesn't seem a minute since the last one fell
with some nerve gas in it.
No chance! Hop into the shelter
Sitting under fire and your skin begins to swelter
It's Cambodia; or Vietnam; or Dresden; or... or this place!
Chorus:
Our man in Baghdad
Calls in to Atlanta
Not much between the press and shell debris
We'll hear his broadcast underneath our gas masks
And if I'm lucky, Scuds won't fall on me
I can hear an air raid siren close to me
One bomb's very like another
when your head's down under the table, brother
It's a blast! It's a scream! It's really quite an big thrill
To be out here in the rubble; we're examining the last kill
Wait a minute! If you've seen one network's retired
military commentators...
Skin lice! Open sores! We're not afraid
of the mustard gas pustules
Ca-ble! You're looking at a newsman
Who's every phrase is out on the tube, man
I get my news *before* the networks, Brokaw!
I don't see Rather reading the kind of scoops
I'm postulating
I'd give you Pete; I'll take Wolf Blitzer
And the Times will print "whatever fits her."
And you better believe that Saddam is watching
from his bunker
Chorus:
Our Man in Baghdad
Makes the war seem simple
He's got a platitude for every shot
He's not afraid of going over budget
And if we're lucky, the Allies won't choke
I can smell a story in the acrid smoke
Chorus repeats, and out...
english.565vkrstonosic,
UNITED PRESS INTERNATIONAL
Mountain View, CA - A plot has recently been discovered which has as
its objective the elimination of people with long last names. Since
people often use their last name as their login names, Sun has
disabled biff for folks with login names of 8 characters in length.
The obvious goal is that these people will miss their important
mail, thus losing their jobs, where they are finally forced to
become homeless people forever roaming the back alleys of Vons
stores. This heinous plot, which discriminates against those who
are nominally verbose, is believed to be the brainchild of Mr.-
short-name himself -- Bill Joy, who has been known to scoff at users
who need to hit more than 4 keys to type in their user name
(including the carriage-return). This bug has of course been
reported Sun, but the honest programmers are helpless to fix it,
because they will lose their jobs if they do not subscribe to
methods of the this most evil of conspiracies.
[the part about the bug in in.comsat (biff) is true; the rest is fiction]
english.566vkrstonosic,
(original, although reminds me of variations...)
Upon hearing that Saddam had come down with a nasty cold, a Navy Doctor
from one of the carriers in the Gulf sent him some 12-hour Sudafed
capsules with the following prescription:
To feel better, take one.
To make everyone else feel better, take two.
english.567vkrstonosic,
[This occurred to me after hearing some mention of internment or maybe it
was intermittent. Please excuse the rather racial nature of the joke, no
slur is intended]
Today, Senator Ted Kennedy announced his strong opposition to legislation
recently proposed in the U.S. senate which would intern Arab Americans in
the event of war with Iraq. Kennedy cited the closing of convenience stores
which would occur as a result of the legislation as his primary reason for
the condemnation. "Being able to go out after the bars have closed and buy
beer is a right no American should be denied!" Kennedy slurred in the
announcement.
english.568vkrstonosic,
I work at the support hotline for a large company that sells Unix systems.
Customer calls are first handled by a group of receptionists, who
determine the general nature of each caller's problem or question and
then place it on a queue. The receptionists attach a "headline" to each
call, so that the support analysts can decide whether a particular call is
within their area of expertise. Unfortunately, the receptionists are not
generally familiar with Unix.
Sometimes the receptionist mangles Unix in a funny way.
"Previous shelves have been filled. Processes are dangling."
"Trying to get a back door booth"
"Problem with supper block"
"Questions on the fuzzy disk controller"
"Problem with the getty desk"
Spelling errors can happen.
"Question on COBOL air conditions"
"Problem with defunk processor"
"Mothly backup roots petition needs to verify"
Sometimes there is strange imagery involved. Picture this:
"System running in two time zones"
"Error log file that self purges"
"The program keeps changing"
"Terminal is screaming"
There is some hardware we just don't support.
"Getting rat errors"
"Part number for prompt chip"
"Put in new version of VCR has a couple of questions"
This is clearly NOT a software problem.
"Terminal burning up -- smelling smoke"
Maybe the machine would be happier in another room.
"Problems w/equiptment attached to Unix through short hall"
Users may get a little fed up.
"The light is flashing"
"Getting error message that says enough already"
"Can something be done. If so, how?"
Maybe our software is just too boring.
"Trying to run with terminal cannot get into software"
This one came up just before war broke out in the gulf.
"Colonel destroyed"
Sometimes, you just have to wonder...
"Users are getting bumped off and hanging up"
... What presence of mind, replacing the handset just as they die.
"Printer not talking properly"
... Start it on the simple words: see Spot run...
"Problem with PC going into the Unix box"
... Tell that PC to STAY PUT!
"How much swab space?"
... Check the QTIP parameter, or blow your nose before calling us.
"Command responds too rapidly"
... Maybe you can downgrade to a slower CPU.
"Would like to kill a certain group of users"
... Yeah, well, wouldn't we all.
"Syster is hung for the last 2 days"
... Sounds like a personal problem!
Finally, this one is just too theoretical.
"How can she enter data into a hard coated field?"
english.569tiki,
To ALL čEU de 4X1DA 12.04.91 18:38 GMT 3022 Bytes
JOKE ABOUT ENGINEERS
*** Bulletin-ID: 2024_4Z4SV ***
IV3CJT!IV3AVQ!I3XTY!IK3BLZ!IW4BVX!I5XYU!IK0CHU!IK0PED!I5APM!IW5AVM!I1ICZ!I1HUH!
IK1EBG!TK0KP!FE6BIG!HB9PD!HB9AJ!HB9JAM!4X1RU!4Z4SV
From: 4X1DAč4Z4SV.ISR.EU
To: ALLčEU
Subject: Arcitect and Engineer Jokes
Real Engineers...
Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match
Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screw- drivers for their
birthday.
Real Engineers wear moustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because
they're lazy.
Real engineers have a non-technial vocbulary of 800 words.
Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier.
Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not
their own shirt size.
Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, tele- visions, watches,
and automatic transmissions.
Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Farenheit, 25 degrees Celius, and 298
degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day"
Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a conversation
with a dail tone or busy signal.
Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are.
Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today.
I drove my own car".
Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their
name on it and an office with a window.
Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.
Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs.
Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before
making a bird bath.
Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Philips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum
Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.
Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny.
-- Anonymous --
YT3A >
english.570xenomorphe,
Evo nekoliko priloga bogatstvu fraza:
I appreciate your meat ball
Do not annoy the female bear
Fume of a cunt
Water & onions
Like a white tulip
english.571alexa,
Evo još jedne:
I appreciate your religion.
english.572ivantod,
***** RELIGIOUS VIEW OF LIFE *****
TAOISM Shit happens.
CONFUCIANISM Confucius says: "Shit happens."
BUDDHISM If shit happens, it really isn't shit.
ZEN What is the sound of shit happening?
HINDUISM This shit happened before.
ISLAM If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
PROTESTANTISM Let shit happen to someone else.
CATHOLICISM If shit happens, you deserve it.
JUDAISM Why does shit always happen to us?
AGNOSTICISM What is this shit?
ATHEISM I don't believe this shit.
english.573vkrstonosic,
To whoever wrote 'You can never have enough of a good thing.'
What a wimp!
You should have said anything else!
like: 'Yeah, i had enough, but your sister wanted more.'
anything, sheesh. Then kicked him in the nuts and ran.
english.574vkrstonosic,
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
He only comes once a year.... and then it's down a chimney
english.575vkrstonosic,
Keywords:
Ya know Christ was a nice jewish boy....
You could tell.... He thought his mom was a virgin; she thought he was a
god...
He wanted to be a lawyer.... but he got nailed on his boards!!
english.576vkrstonosic,
First nun joke.
The scene: three nuns sitting around a table taking tea.
Nun 1: Well, guess what I found in Father's top desk drawer
as I was cleaning the rectory today!
Nun 2: Say no more! (she titters) I poked 'em full of holes!
Nun 3: (faints)
Second nun joke (via my sister, originally from the Mother
Superior at her high school).
What's a nun say when her strap breaks?
"My cup runneth over!"
(hyuck hyuck)
english.577vkrstonosic,
I personally know Craig Shergold, the guy who asked for "get well"
cards some time ago. He is really pissed off by all those people
who pretend/refuse to believe that he exists. Apparently, the
original (true) story about Craig asking for get well cards got
mixed with various silly legends (like the latest one, about a
business cards request) and people think *everything* is false.
Craig already has four different versions of the GGBJ (Green
Golfball Joke). He would like to get more. So, please, email them
to me and I will hand them to Craig.
Marcin.
P.S. Craig will probably get a Usenet acces starting in September.
english.578vkrstonosic,
Into deepest, and darkest if it came to that, Africa, came those
intrepid scavengers of yore, Keats and Chapman, eager for glory,
booty, and a chance to espy all that National Geographic left out.
Actually, as a lad Keats had devoured H. Rider Haggard by the yard,
and he always yearned to take a peek for himself. But it
was mere gelt...swag...valuta...GOLD...that lured the avaricious
Chapman.
Reality soon intervened. Their myths withstood the chaotic, 21st century
streets of Lagos, the boom boxes of Nairobi and the teens with Madonna
teeshirts in Kinshassa. But what finally made the boys give up their
youthful misconceptions were the mimes. "King Solomon's Mimes" they
called themselves, proving that bad puns could appear anywhere
in one of these pieces, and not just at the end.
These buzzards, whose rites are apparently as rigid as
Masons', tortured passers-by in the same way as their American
cousins: they padded around imaginary walls, sat upon imaginary
stools, mimicked the gait and appearance of innocents, and
projected such a dreary air of gaiety that the gay hairdressers
of the "interior" banded together to wreak an appropriate
vengence upon them: they butchered them in their sleep. And
by way of calling card and warning, they shrank their victims'
heads. All the while maintaining really good hair.
Chapman was staggered. And seconds passed before he could come
up with his usual thick witted response: something about losing
one's head, but he shamefacedly mumbled his words and pretended
that he had said nothing, pointing instead to a macaw on a nearby
perch. (Neither macaws nor perch, however, are native to Africa.)
Keats, however, was more than a little impressed by the
hairdresser's attention to detail. "A marcelled morceau!" he
exclaimed, holding a head aloft. Chapman gave a fine impression
of a man lost in thought, while quizzical eyes from every
quarter measured him for tonsure.
english.579vkrstonosic,
Why do dogs lick their balls?
Because they can't make a fist!
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
haha ha ha haaa
haha ha ha ha haaa
haha ha haaa
haha ha ha ha haaa
haha ha ha ha haaa
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Road Dawg.
(canis weirdus)
english.580vkrstonosic,
Saw a comedy show last night at the student union coffee house. The
funniest part I can remember was when the warm-up guy ended his act by
describing what happened to him in Vale, Colorado, when he was about to
have sex and realized that his condoms were outside in the glove box in
the car. Frozen. Frozen solid. Frozen solid like he'd put them in a
freezer. He said he put one on and his dick turned into a blue otter pop
(tm), which I've never seen but am told are frozen push-up popsicle deserts.
It was hysterical to picture. I don't know; maybe you had to be there.
The headliner was a political comedian. He remarked about the controversy
in Georgia over the supposed fact that since oral sex is prohibited in the
law books, oral sex is a violation of our Constitutional rights. "A
violation of WHAT rights?" he asked. "Our right to free speech??!!" ;-)
This reminds me of another thing:
Drinking and sex don't mix; put down your drink first!
I'm waiting on the correct versions of some jokes I don't recall well
enough to post just yet.
english.581vkrstonosic,
The following memorandum was apparently circulated at the L.A. Times:
--------
Los Angeles Times -- Intra-Office Correspondence
To members of the Times staff:
Because of the current outflow-inflow revenue imbalances, certain
economy measures are being implemented throughout the newspaper for the
duration of the difficulties. Your cooperation is necessary to help correct
the imbalance more quickly.
Starting immediately:
--The Times' travel office has been instructed to book employees in more
economical hotels; as a guideline, for example, any hotel providing mints
on pillows is excluded from this list. For your further guidance, a hotel &
motel guide "Corporate America on $29.95 a day," is being reprinted for
distribution.
--Any reporters/photographers traveling together will occupy only one room;
for propriety's sake, they will sleep in shifts, one by day, the other by
night. In case of a dispute over shift assignments, any editor at or above
the rank of assistant metropolitan editor can be called in to mediate.
--When traveling, do not purchase local newspapers. These can be obtained from
hotel check-out desks, in the seating areas of coffee shops where they have
been discarded by others, or taken from so-called "street people" sleeping
on benches and sidewalks.
--All reporters' notebooks will be issued by the city desk. Any request for
new notebooks must be accompanied by turning in a used one, with all pages
filled on both sides. When taking notes, please use abbreviations wherever
possible; this will help to conserve. The same rule for turning in used items
will hold for pens, and pencil stubs. New cassette tapes will be provided
when old ones are turned in. To obtain further use from your tape recorder
batteries, lick the battery head with the tip of your tongue and reinsert
batteries in tape recorder.
--Like first-class travel, first-class postage is now prohibited, except under
extraordinary circumstances. Postcards will be provided through your
department secretary. Any reporter wishing to send items first-class can
petition orally or in writing to the city desk for the necessary stamps.
--To avoid wastage of newsprint, street-vendor racks will be installed in the
newsroom and throughout the building. Reporters deemed "need to know" can
obtain coins from the city desk to purchase one (1) newspaper daily; others
are encouraged to bring their newspapers from home, or to purchase them at work
--When dining out of town while on company business, employees are encouraged
to follow current Administration guidelines and use catsup as a vegetable.
--To aid in our company "balance of payments," this fall, a company sales
program, much akin to the Girl Scouts' cookie sales program -- will be
instituted. Times-produced and Times-logo merchandise will be sold by
employees in the course of their other duties i.e., reporters traveling
around southern California for interviews and research. The Times' marketing
division is preparing "kits," cases containing a sample array of Times
merchandise, and order books. These kits should be available by December 1,
and will be distributed by your supervisor.
--To conserve energy, rolling blackouts of computer and electric-light power
will be observed throughout the editorial department. We will try to time
these to avoid any conflict with your department deadlines.
--The Times is also instituting a suggestion plan to encourage employees'
ideas on cost-cutting. Employees whose suggestions are adopted will be
rewarded with free meal passes to the company cafeteria.
-----
"Kaneis edw den tragouda, kanenas den xorevei,
Akoune mono thn pennia, kai o nous tous taksideyei..."
english.582vkrstonosic,
I am going to regret doing this, but here goes nothing:
Due to the dearth of any even remotely funny material in rec.humor
lately, I thought to post various files ftp'ed from various sites
(don't ask me where from, I won't tell you, sorry...) - BUT ONLY
IF PEOPLE WANT ME TO!
I could manage a couple or so a day. I don't claim that they are
amazingly funny, but may manage to raise a smile on your lips. Most
of them are funny stories or compilations of jokes, and will be POSTED
in rec.humor - please don't mail me for them. All in all, it will be
along the lines of the Henry Cate III posts..
I will include credit, wherever I can. The old-timers will recognize
some (or most ...) of them, but at least it will bring down the
requests for the GGJ or the sorority joke-file...
Still, the files (some of them...) are pretty big, and I would not
want to hog the net if no-one wants to read them. So if any of you
want this to happen, please mail me at:
hadjiyi@garfield.cs.wisc.edu
and if I get enough requests, I will start posting...Meanwhile,here's
one to whet your appetite...
english.583vkrstonosic,
During one of the war interviews, the state department spokesman mentioned
that in this war, something was invented and is being used that has never
happened before in any previous war. He said that this was due to the fact
that some of the troops in Saudia Arabia are women. The invention was a new
kind of device used exclusively by women during 'that time of the month'. It
is equipped with special foils to keep the sand, bomb debris, etc. out while
still performing it's duty.
This new invention that the military designed is called:
a Desert Shield.
(I know, I know, you saw it coming a mile off. I thought it was amusing.)
english.584vkrstonosic,
Hey! It's Little Danforth, as Mark Russell calls him!
Anybody remember who his senior legislative aide was
back in the Reagan days? It was Rob Owen. "Who's Rob
Owen?" you ask? Well,
Check the Senate Iran-Contra hearing transcripts for
a REAL chuckle.
english.585vkrstonosic,
Q: What's the difference between some <IYFEG>s, and a piece of toast ?
A: You can make soldiers out of the piece of toast !
english.586vkrstonosic,
{Insert joke here}
"I dunno 'bout those two guys on the end that look like Elvis
but the one in the middle is the spittn' image of
Willie Nelson!"
english.587vkrstonosic,
THE RULES
1. The FEMALE always makes the rules.
2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the FEMALE suspects the Male of knowing all the rules, she must
immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The FEMALE is never wrong.
6. If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which is a
direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize IMMEDIATELY for causing the
misunderstanding.
8. The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must NEVER change his mind without the expressed written
consent of the FEMALE.
10. The FEMALE has every right to be angry and upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to
be angry.
12. The FEMALE must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not
she wants him to be angryor upset.
13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.
14. The Male who doesn't abide by these rules can't take the heat, lacks
backbone and is a wimp.
15. Any attempt to document the rules can result in bodily harm.
16. If the FEMALE has PMS, all the rules are null and void.
17. The FEMALE is ready when she is ready.
18. The Male must be ready at all times.
Thank You for your time.
english.588vkrstonosic,
Top Ten Rejected Model Names for New Cars
10. Pontiac Cyst
9. Plymouth SCUD
8. Oldsmobile Beiruter
7. Dodge Glove
6. Hyundai Accordian
5. Ferrari Castrato
4. Mazda Eczema 500
3. Nissan Spleen
2. Ford Gelding
and the Number One Rejected Model Name for New Cars...
1. Yugo Screw Yourself
english.589vkrstonosic,
News Report:Several million condoms were flown
into the Gulf for use to prevent sand from getting into
the barrels of the guns.(Reminds me of the chant from
one of those war films,I think it was "Hamburger Hill"
`This is my rifle,this is my gun,one is for war,one is
for fun.')
In fact I can now reveal that the condoms are
infact a new defence system:Anti Iraqi Defence System
or the `Patriot Condom' for short.The reason I know this
is because one of the sets of instruction booklets
supplyed with the condoms(and printed below)was leaked
(it is hoped that this will be the only leakage from
theis condoms)to this netuser.
** Instructions for use of Patriot **
1) The condom should alwas be in position before
manouvers as an explosion can happen at any time.
2) The condom should be placed in possition after
launcher has been erected.
3) In case of a sneak attack when the Patriot is
unavaitable a cold shower is advised.If this doesn't
work and the man keeps attacking a quick knee to the
scrotum area is advised.
4) If the launcher fails to perform it should be
withdrawn and given time to refuel before another
launch is attempted.
5) It must be remembered that the launcher is
reuseable and should not be thrown away or abused
(self abuse is the worst).
6) The size of the launcher doesen't matter,it's
the size of the warhead it carries.
english.590vkrstonosic,
There are three guys on a ship, one Russian, one American, and a Mexican.
First, the Russian got a bottle of Vodka and took a drink, and he throw
the bottle out of the ship. So the Mexican ask him why did he waste a
bottle of Vodka since he only took a drink, the Russian said, "We got plenty
of Vodka in our country!" After that the Mexican got a burrito and took
a bite, and immediately he throw that away too. So the American ask him
why is he doing that, the Mexican reply that they have bunch of burritos
in their country too. Finally the American throw the Mexican out of the
ship!
(I got it from my friend.)
english.591vkrstonosic,
This is from Newsweek, quoting (I believe) a retired general:
"B-52 bombing from 30,000-40,000 feet is very accurate. They
hit the ground every time."
english.592vkrstonosic,
For those who posted me, sorry I forgot these ones. I have some more 'weird'
ones which I posted before if you want those and am in the process of collating
more. Keep watching.
It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
It won't work.
It works better if you plug it in.
It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
It's clever, but is it art?
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
It's six o'clock and time for the penguin on top of your terminal to explode.
It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was human nature.
Jim, it's Jack, I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay you the
f
Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel Martin
jus
Jim? It's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account. You
don'
Jim? It's Maria over at the laundromat. There's a yellow dress in with your
t
Jim? This is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and I've
Jimmy Hoffa--please call home.
Just to have it is enough.
Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o'Sunday.
Kisses are a better fate than wisdom.
Kix are for trids.
Klaatu barada nikto.
Knowledge is power.
Knowledge without common sense is folly.
kwd DOES NOT mean kwic write and destroy!
Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.
Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
Lead on, MacDuff!
Learn to pause--or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous.
Leave no stone unturned.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let me take you a buttonhole lower.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.
Life is like an onion--you peel off layer after layer, and find nothing in it.
Life is one long struggle in the dark.
Life is that brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.
Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
Live in the past and future only.
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
ll and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
Lonely is a man without love.
Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
Look after the molehills and the mountains will take care of themselves.
Look ere ye leap.
Look under the sofa cushion; you will be surprised at what you find.
Look, Muth tracks!
Look, sir, 'droids!
Lord, what fools these mortals be!
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
Love is sentimental measles.
Love the sea? I dote upon it--from the beach.
Love thy neighbor. Tune thy piano.
Machines should work; people should think.
Make a wish, it might come true.
Make three consecutive correct guesses and you will be considered an expert.
Make your own fortune, you think I'm made of money or something?
Man and wife make one fool.
Man is by nature a political animal.
Man who bites bread or eats peas with knife is lost creature.
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
Man will never fly. Space travel is merely a dream. All aspirin is alike.
Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
Many a family tree needs trimming.
Many a yo-yo think he have the world on a string.
Many are called, but few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing.
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
Many hands make light work.
Many pages make a crowded castle.
Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket bibles on very thin paper.
Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
Many receive advice, few profit by it.
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.
Mary had a little.
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
Mathematics is the language God used to write the universe.
Matrimony is the root of all evil.
Max, as a unary function, isn't very interesting.
May you live in uninteresting times.
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
Meditation is not what you think.
Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of
Cas
Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your half-breed interference.
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
Misery no longer loves company; nowadays it insists on it.
Misfortune.
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to failure.
Moderation in all things.
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
Money is the root of all evil, and everyone needs roots.
Money is the root of all wealth.
Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.
Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously.
Most of us have been at work for several hours now.
Most people are unenthusiastic about their work.
Mr. Rockford? Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your renewal
b
Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from the
Mr. Rockford? This is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
Etique
Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could you call me
Mum's the word.
Mumble.
Murphy was an optimist.
Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
Must I hold a candle to my shames?
My brain hurts!
My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
My dog has no nose.
My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
My foolish parents taught me to read and write.
My Karma ran over my dogma.
Nanu nanu!
Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
Necessity has no law.
Necessity is the mother of invention.
Neestiko arkoudi dhen horevee.
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
Never argue with anyone who buys ink by the gallon.
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
Never drink from your finger bowl--it contains only water.
Never eat at a place called Mom's.
Never eat in a place with sliding doors unless you're crazy about raw fish.
Never give a gun to ducks.
Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
Never play cards with a man called Doc.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Never promise more than you can perform.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid doing entirely.
Never replace a successful experiment.
Never say anything more predictive than "Watch this!"
Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
Never take a drink when you are feeling sorry for yourself.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Never throw a bird at a dragon.
Never underestimate a woman.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
Next Wednesday you will be presented with a great opportunity.
Nice guys get sick.
Nihilism doesn't exist.
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
No experiment is reproducible.
No it isn't!
No man is rich enough to buy back his past.
No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
No matter what occurs, someone believes it happened according to his pet
theory.
No one becomes depraved in a moment.
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!
No one knows what he can do till he tries.
No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
No one within an organization really knows what's going on.
No poems can please nor live long that are written by water drinkers.
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
No sentence fragments.
No sooner said than done--so acts your man of worth.
No writer's life understands that he's working when he's staring out the
window.
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
Not all who own a harp are harpers.
Nothin' ain't worth nothin', but it's free.
Nothing astonishes man so much as common sense and plain dealing.
Nothing endures but change.
Nothing ever goes away.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Nothing is but what is not.
Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example.
Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do the work.
Nothing is so firmly believed as which is least known.
Nothing succeeds like excess.
Nothing will ever happen to you.
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
Of all my relations I like sex the most.
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
Oh wearisome condition of humanity! Born under one law, to another bound.
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
Oh, Nicky, you're such a tool.
Old age is the harbour of all ills.
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Old men give good advice when they are no longer able to provide bad examples.
Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
On the way to the corner, a dropped tool will land on your foot.
Once a can of worms is opened, the only way to recan them is in a bigger can.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing.
One day you will find yourself and be quite disappointed.
One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
One good turn deserves another.
One good turn gets the whole blanket.
One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
One picture is worth a thousand words. See diagram below.
One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
One will not have needed the future perfect in one's entire life.
One's real life is often the life that one does not lead.
Only a fool has no doubts.
Only fools are quoted.
Only those with nothing to be sorry for smile back at the rear of an elephant.
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of bleeding, he
sings.
Optimist is person who thinks he can break up traffic jam by blowing horn.
Oregonians don't tan, they rust.
Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens.
ough the valley of the shadow of death.
Our swords shall play the orators for us.
Overload--core meltdown sequence initiated.
Palindrome isn't one.
Parsley is gharsley.
Patch griefs with proverbs.
Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
Pause for storage relocation.
Pay no attention to that man behind the curtains.
People smart enough to give good advice are usually smart enough to give none.
People who are grateful are usually good.
People who can least afford to pay rent pay rent.
People who can most afford to pay rent build equity.
People who live in glass houses should undress in the dark.
People who take cat naps do not usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
People with no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of
them.
Perhaps it was because Nero played the fiddle that they burned Rome.
Phasors locked on target, Captain.
Philadelphia just seems dull because it's next to exciting Camden, New Jersey.
Pipe gives wise man time to think and fool something to stick in mouth.
Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of ten
or
Plastic explosives will be appropriate later in the week.
Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.
Positive expectations yield negative results.
Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Practice yourself what you preach.
Praise the sea; on shore remain.
Preserve the old, but know the new.
Pressure is the normal force acting upon an engineer.
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
Pronounce your prepositions, damn it!
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others.
Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
Prototype designs always work.
Pssst. The root password is 'kumquat'.
Public schools are the nurseries of all vice and immorality.
Pull yourself together; things are not all that bad.
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the T.V. screen.
PURGE COMPLETE.
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
Put people on hold when possible.
Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth.
Put your genius into your life. Put only your talent into your work.
Put your trust in those who are worthy.
Quantity is no substitute for quality, but it is the only one we have.
Quit looking at fortunes and get back to work!
Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
Rank has its privileges.
Read your Amdahl Business Practices.
Reading the small print is education; not reading it is experience.
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
Reality--what a concept!
Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
Remember the Alamo.
Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
Reputation is what others are not thinking about you.
Research is to see what everyone else has, and then think what no one else has.
Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and omit it when its not needed.
Resist everything but temptation.
Rest assured that your dog is finally getting enough cheese.
Retribution will be yours.
Riches cover a multitude of woes.
Rome was not built in one day.
Rotten wood cannot be carved--Confucius (Analects, Book 5, Ch. 9)
Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
Safety is better than the wrong answer.
Salary is no object: strive only to keep body and soul apart.
Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
Satire is what closes in New Haven.
Save gas, don't eat beans.
Say the secret woid and the duck is yours.
Say the secret word and you win $100.
Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality.
Sculpture: mud pies that endure.
Sears has everything.
Second-rate people hire third-rate people.
Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come.
Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
Sell short.
english.593vkrstonosic,
ok, ok, enough of you said yes (i think it was 2) so here is the rest:
During the reign of Alexander the Great, a special dye was discovered
which, when put on a piece of cloth, would change its shade depending on
the intensity of the sun. This enabled the people to tell the time of day.
One of these dye-soaked materials was presented to the king. He wore it
proudly, tied around his head. And that is origin of Alexander's ragtime
band.
The famous Oriental detective Charlie Chan was wounded by an opponent.
Hurriedly bandaged, he was rushed to a hospital. While waiting in the
emergency ward, he peered under the bandage and was heard to mutter, "Ah
so! The clot thickens!"
The king's foot was becoming sore from booting the complaining pleasants
out of the throne room. The royal carpenter finally came to the king's
rescue when he gave him a two-by-four.
"What's that?" the king asked.
"This, Your Majesty," explained the carpenter, "is the world's first serf
board!"
The cannibal chief returned from a walk and discovered that his men had
captured a member of the British royalty. The cook was preparing their
guest for dinner.
"Why is that fruit stuck in his mouth?" the chief demanded.
"Because, sir," replied the tribal chef proudly, "tonight I am serving
duke a l'orange!"
When mites from the pigeon pen infested the backyard grass, it was little
comfort to reflect that the pen was mite-ier than the sward.
A newcomer to the penitentiary was tipped off by his cellmate that if he
made romantic advances to the warden's wife, she could get his jail term
shortened. However, he decided that it wasn't right to end his sentence
with a proposition.
At one time, there was a Sea Scout camp outside Norfolk, Va., that was so
close to the beach the porpoises used to swim into shore at dinnertime.
The camp's chef would announce the meal by yelling, "Chow time! For all in
tents -- and porpoises!"
A Babylonian general was declared a traitor for leading a revolt. He
escaped the night before he was to be executed and hid in an old Babylonian
Ziggurat, or temple, where he expected to find some of his associates. Not
finding them, he began to burn the papers they had left, and was
immediately recaptured.
The moral: WARNING -- The searchin' general has determined that smoking
ziggurats may be hazardous to your stealth.
end of article.
Now, for those who've sent me mail concerning the mentioning of Shubert's
Ninth Symphony not existing -- I know that!! I'm a pianist of almost 20
years!!1 I didn't write the stuff, I just re-typed it, errors and all.
Dangerous Dave (up to no good, again)
english.594vkrstonosic,
An old man was on his death bed and called his whole family together so that
he could bid them farewell and make his peace with the world. After he said
what he wanted to each in turn and he knew he was comming very close to death
he called for all to gather together.
"I have one thing I would like to confess before I go", he said. They all drew
closer. "It was me, cough, wheeze, "I was the one.", he said as they leaned
down as close as they could to hear what he could barely get out in a whisper.
Gasp, cough, "I was the one", cough, wheeze, "in the kitchen with Dinah."
english.595vkrstonosic,
This is a song i heard on the radio once, years ago, and memorised instantly.
Unfortunatley, the dj faded it out right at the very end, so i dunno the
last line or so.
Its a take-off of all those horribly jolly songs sung with upper-class accents
during WWII - like "Even when the darkest clouds are in the sky.." "pack up
your
troubles..." and that sort of thing.
I thought I could do no harm in posting it - after all, there is a war on!
Well I thought it was quite funny anyway...
(sing with Noel Coward accent - or upper-class english - same thing)
(all the place names mentioned are in Britain - except the one that's in
Ireland :-) )
=============
Bad Time's Just Around The Corner
=================================
They're out of sorts in Sunderland,
And terribly cross in Kent.
They're dull in Hull, and the Isle of Mull,
Is seething with discontent.
They're nervous in Northumberland,
And Devon is down the drain,
They're filled with wrath on the Firth of Forth,
And sullen in Salisbury Plain.
In Dublin they're depressed lads,
Maybe because they're Celts.
Pordrake is going west lads,
And Stowe is everywhere else.
Hooray!! Hooray!! Hooray!!
Misery's on the way!!
There are bad times just around the corner,
There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky,
And its no good whining, about a silver lining,
'Cause we know from experience that they won't roll by.
With a scowl and a frown, we'll keep our peckers down,
And prepare for depression and gloom and dread,
We're going to unpack our troubles from our old kit bags,
and.... [sorry i know no more!]
english.596vkrstonosic,
A man was weeping and wailing over a grave.
"Why did you die! Why did you die? Oh Why did you die!"
Another man came up to him and said,
"Sir, you've been here for over three hours, he must have been a very good
friend."
The mourner replied.
"Nope, never met him, Why did you die"
The man asked.
"Then who was he?"
The mourner replied
"My wife's first husband!"
Pam
english.597vkrstonosic,
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
2 : 1 to unscrew the bulb and
1 to write a book about how the bulb is exploiting the socket.
How many blue-collar workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
17: 1 to screw the bulb and
16 to watch at double overtime pay
How many Brits does it take take to screw in a light bulb?
3 : 1 to call the electrician
1 to survey the work and
1 to pour the brandy
What does an arts student get for screwing in a lightbulb?
A degree from Concordia.
What do you tell a Concordia grad?
I'd like 2 BigMacs, a fry, and a medium coke, easy on the ice.
How does a McGill student screw in a lightbulb?
He just holds it in the socket as the whole world revolves around him.
How many University of Florida Football players does it take to screw
in a light bulb??
A1: "Dah what be a light bulb??"
A2: Only one, but he only gets three credit hours + 1 credit hour for the
lab.
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
english.598vkrstonosic,
This is good stuff, extracted from SIA BBS humour SIG.
Lawrence
*************************
"Memo of the Month," From The Washington Monthly, January/February
1991, page 24:
"This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all
IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious.
The rest of us guys find it rather funny.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
"Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to
operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replace-
ment. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement
of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
"Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufac-
turer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off
method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive
handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball
replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
"It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer
missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these
necessary items.
"To re-order, specify one of the following:
"P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
"P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls"
english.599vkrstonosic,
Two black children, a brother and a sister, were discussing what they
should dress up to be for Halloween that night. They didn't have much
clothing to choose from, maybe a few of mom & dad's things that were
way oversize. Jerome finally came up with the idea that they should go
NAKED!!??!! So they did. As they walked up to the first house, they
could here the other children laughing at them, but they were bold.
They knocked on the door and the neighbor was in shock and couldn't
believe that a parent would let their children out of the house BUTT-
NAKED. So the neighbor asked the children "And what are you two supposed
to be??" Jerome replied "We be Hershey bars, I the one wit nuts an'
she be the one wit'out!!!"
english.600vkrstonosic,
This morning I heard the funniest thing on the radio. The caller said
that his friends had gone down to the Bahamas and had their room robbed.
The thieves left the camera, though. When they got the pictures
developed, in between all of their sightseeing shots was a close-up
picture of a big butt with their toothbrushes sandwiched in it.
Whether that's a true story or not, I wouldn't venture to say, but
some other caller said this happened to a friend of her (lawyer's?)
in Europe.
english.601vkrstonosic,
This is a VISUAL joke, but I'm going to give it a try because it's a great
joke, and you can have fun trying it out (the joke, that is) on your
"visible friends".
A Polock wanted really badly for his wife to go down on him. He kept
pleading with her. Finally she conceded, but she was nervous because she was
not sure how to please him. He said, "Don't worry; take this catsup bottle and
practice on it for a while until you get the hang of it."
A few days later, his wife tells him that she thinks she is ready. He is
ecstatic. They disrobe, get into bed, and she takes his dick in her hands and
goes (vigorous hand motion of trying to shake catsup out of the bottle).
english.602vkrstonosic,
Q. Why do the animals leave the jungle between 3 and 4?
A. Because that's when the elephants jump out of trees.
Q. Why are alligators long and flat?
A. Because they go into the jungle between 3 and 4.
Q. Why do ducks have flat feet?
A. Stamping out forest fires.
Q. Why do elephants have flat feet?
A. Stamping out flaming ducks.
english.603vkrstonosic,
I'm posting this for a dutch friend of mine, so please, all followups to
this newsgroup or to: rmoonen@hvlpa.att.com
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was watching TV a couple of nights ago, there was a reasonably
interesting talkshow going on. They were interviewing someone who
believed he was immoratal. The interview went something like this:
Q: So you believe you're immortal?
A: Yes, I do, I cannot die.
Q: You mean you'll reincarnate?
A: No, I mean it as I say it, I will not die.
Q: Are there other immortal people?
A: Yes, there used to be.
Q: You mean they're dead now?
A: Yeah, they all died.
Somewhat stupid, not?
Right....
english.604vkrstonosic,
Seen on a T-Shirt:
Front: Bo knows your wife.
Back: They just did it.
english.605vkrstonosic,
The most humorous thing about any presidential election is that we all
know that no matter who wins, the new president will inevitably fuck
it all up. If I ever see someone run for president who convinces me
that he is not a total dickhead, I might possibly register to vote.
Democrats, Republicans, and Libertarians alike are all pointless, I
will be very suprised if I ever find myself in a ballot box during a
presidential election. Lets just see who the Democrats come up with
for 92. He oughta be a real doozy.
--
_______________________________________________________________________________
O++O Sebastian Bernheim
=\/=
"Love them little mousies!"
"Ma che sciagura d'essere senza coglioni!" (something like that)
Disclaimer: I just work here, they don't pay me enough to think!
english.606vkrstonosic,
"Ah, dan quayle still gaining exceptance ..." - bush
kelly
us134093@ndsuvm1.bitnet
"life is a chair of bowlies"
me .... :)
english.607vkrstonosic,
Sung to the tune of the Stones' "Mother's Little Helper":
What a drag it is gettin oil....
It's so different today, I hear every leader say,
Getting petrol for your tanks is just a drag,
So we'll kick your butt, Saddam, and we'll drop ten thousand bombs,
You'll go runnin' for a shelter from your little U.N. helper,
We're to help you on your way, show you how to leave Kuwait.
You had better leave at once, and go watch your camels hump,
Yeah, you should have stuck with picking on Iran,
Now it's much worse than you planned, and we'll pound you in the sand,
You'll go runnin' for a shelter from your little U.N. helper,
Just to help you on your way, show you how to leave Kuwait.
Things are different these days, I hear one Iraqi say,
Getting liquor and my playboys is too tough,
Well I like this Saddam guy, and I gave his war a try,
Now we're runnin' for the shelter from our little U.N. helper,
Well we only meant to play, and we did not mean to stay.
Things are difficult these days, I hear all the Mideast say,
Having Scuds land on your head is such a bore,
Palestine was occupied, and it tortured on my mind,
Now we're runnin' for the shelter from our little Hitler helper,
Got a gas mask on real tight, get me through my busy night.
Saddam please, no more of these,
During the war, he launched four more,
What a drag it is dumping oil.
Things are different these days, I hear Saddam Hussein say,
Taking over other countries is a drag,
You could annex that Kuwait, but you'll earn the world's hate,
Now I'm runnin' for the shelter from my little U.S. helper,
Got to think about my plight, get me through my busy dying night.
What a drag it is stealin' oil....
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The above can be used however you want. If you do a stand-up act
with it or write a better version, I'd like to hear.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If our leader is Georgie Bush, is the Iraqi leader Saddamy Hussein?
---
The above is a demented raving of Andy Russo. This does not represent
the official opinions of AT&T. They are being written to the tune of
"Paint It Black." Conserve energy - don't flame my meter :-)
english.608vkrstonosic,
The letters represent digits in the subtraction sum:
R O L L E R
- W H E E L S
===========
S K O D A
There are three distinct solutions.
english.609vkrstonosic,
A group of archaeologists went to Mexico to do research on the pyramids
left behind by highly civilized Indians from pre-Columbian times. These
pyramids are different from the Eygyptian variety, in that the sides are
stepped, not smooth all the way up to the top. Such a pyramid is called a
ziggurat, and these archaelogists wanted to learn more about why the Indians
had built THIS type of pyramid rather than the other kind.
During the course of their investigations, they happened upon some strange
markings along the base of one pyramid. Among themselves, they argued about
the meaning of the markings, but were not able to agree. Finally, they gave
it up for the night, and set up camp. Next to the pyramid they built a fire,
so as to protect it from the wind.
During the night, weird things happened.....unexplained noises, objects
moving around on their own, etc. The scientists were very nervous. As the
night went on, they heaped more and more wood on their fire, trying to ward
off whatever evil spirits might be about.
Finally, the flames grew very high. And finally, the evil spirits had had
enough. They swooped down on the archaeologists and killed them!
If only they had been able to decipher the inscription:
ZIGGURAT SMOKING IS HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
english.610vkrstonosic,
Q: What is the difference between a Nun bathing and a sorority
girl bathing?
A: The Nun has hope in her soul.
english.611vkrstonosic,
This is one of my favorites, guys ('course I could be egging you on, after
all of the encouragement you've been giving me):
A little girl and a little boy were playing, when the little boy said,
"Look, I have five marbles!"
"So what!?" said the little girl. "I've got TEN marbles!"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have 2 shiny new quarters!"
"So what!?" said the little girl. "I've got 2 brand new DOLLAR BILLS!"
"Hmmmm..." said the little boy, "Well, I've got, I've got,...ONE OF
THESE." (he unzips his fly) "...and I know YOU DON'T!" he says triumphantly.
"So what!? I've got one of these (she lifts her skirt), and with one of
THESE I can get as many of THOSE as I WANT!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q. What's an hour of Italian foreplay?
A. Maria, I'm home.
So NO ONE has heard of that 3 Little Pigs Joke I'm trying to remember?
(With the punch line having to do with a Guinea Pig) Well, dare I say it?...
Make something up, then! Any takers? No more nonsense than usual,
please ;-)
english.612vkrstonosic,
On an extremely long flight, two gentlemen have been sitting together without
uttering a word. The first man has been chain smoking cigars while the second
man has been amusing himself with his pet monkey. Finally the first man speaks:
'Would you please get rid of that damn monkey--it is driving me crazy!'
The second man replies:
'O yea--well those cigars are really bothering me--I wish you please quit
smoking them'
After some minor yelling, the men decide that they will throw the monkey
and the cigars out the window at the same time. They do.
A while later a women in the next seat yells: 'Look out the window--there
is something on the wing!' Both men look and guess what they see...?
A yellow brick.
english.613vkrstonosic,
I know this isn't new, but I heard it recently from a friend of mine who
goes to school in Louisiana:
A gay guy invited two of his friends over to play some sex games. He
takes out a baseball bat and fucks the first guy up the butt with it.
Afterward he asked the other one to get out a broom, with which he does
the same thing to the second guy.
Next he gets out a... a... (Joke teller feigns forgetfullness)...you
know, the things you use to unclog a stopped up toilet... (The listener will
now invariably respond, "A PLUNGER!", at which point the joke teller ribs,
"Oh, you played that game before!)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q. What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A. A piece of ass that'll bring tears to your eyes!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A new inmate is puzzled to hear another inmate yelling out the number 72,
after which the other inmates laugh. Then another inmate yells out another
number, after which the rest of the inmates again laugh. "What's going on?"
he asks?
"Well," explains his cell mate, "We've all been here so long that to
simplify things, we've assigned a number to each joke and so now all we have
to do is call out the number of the joke and everyone knows what it stand
for. For instance, `72' is the joke about the guy who goes into the bar
and..."
The new inmate likes that joke, so the next night he decides to give it
a try. "72," he yells. NOTHING. So again he yells, "72". STILL nothing.
Once more he yells, "72". Not so much as a chuckle. "What's wrong?" he
asks his cell mate.
"Well, some people can tell 'em and some people can't"
english.614vkrstonosic,
Q: What's the difference between a hockey player and an Iraqi woman?
A: The hockey player showers after 3 periods.
John H. Merritt --> merritt@iris613.gsfc.nasa.gov
Applied Research Corporation at NASA/GSFC
"Yesterday I knew nothing, today I know that."
english.615vkrstonosic,
If Iraq invades Iran from the rear, will Greece help.
english.616vkrstonosic,
After the recent exchange of silly user stories, I got a request or two to
send out the file that I was compiling. Well, I'm not compiling a file of
them. Or, at least, I wasn't. Everytime this topic comes up, the same old
stories get rehashed over and over, and there are rarely any new ones. So,
does anyone want to see a file of these stories compiled? I'd be more than
happy to put it together, which gives this group a few advantages:
1) Less traffic for people that don't want to see these stories
2) A chance for those who do want to see them to mail requests to
me and see them all, minus the repeated stories and assorted
comments.
So, if anyone wants to help put together a file like this, send me some to
start with. While I can't guarantee attribution to EVERY story, mostly because
so many of them will be repeated, I will keep a contributor's list in the
file as well, so people's names will get mentioned. My only request is that
you try to edit your stories as well as possible, so that they fit in a small
space but still retain their original intention. No sense in reading stories
that are two pages long, but no sense in reading a one line quote that doesn't
make sense, either.
I await response...
Duane Morin WPI Worcester, MA 01609 dmorin@wpi.wpi.edu
Software Etc.
(A few to start...
"Don't ask me questions before eight in the morning, particularly silly ones.
I'm grumpy then, and I'll probably make fun of you."
"No, Ma'am, as a matter of fact, no one has EVER made that mistake before.
You're the first one. Congratulations, you're famous."
"Now hit any key"
"What do you mean, any key?"
"Any of them. Doesn't matter"
"But which one should I hit?"
"Any of them!"
"I don't understand."
*sigh* "Hit the spacebar"
"Oh, ok. Why didn't you say so?"
"Hi, I'm Duane, but in this lab you can call me God. Those of you that don't
should get in practice for the next time you need a file undeleted."
"I'm sure that you're teacher has told you about how to use these computers.
Forget everything he said. He knows less about them than you do, and is
just trying to look good."
english.617vkrstonosic,
What do you call a short-sighted dinosaur?
Diyathinkesaurus.
and....
What do you call a short-sighted dinosaur with a dog?
Diyathinkesaurus Rex.
english.618vkrstonosic,
Here's one for UK readers...
What's the difference between scud missiles and British Rail ?
British rail kill people!
english.619vkrstonosic,
Did you hear that Oprah was busted coming in through customs at JFK
airport?
- They looked up her skirt and found 300 pounds of crack!
english.620vkrstonosic,
Updated to fit the times:
An American, Andrew Smith, is walking along a street in Baghdad, when he
bumps into an Iraqi officer.
"Swine!" says the Iraqi.
"Smith," replies the American, cordially tipping his hat.
God keep our men safe out there....
english.621vkrstonosic,
ken Johnson -
actually a nice try there but a wee minor correction:
Q: How can You tell there is an Iraqi in your Fridge
a1: Your Kitchen shows up on CNN.
a2: Dan Rather Tells everyone that your fridge is ok.
a3: there is this lovely Laser Light show dancing on
top of it, and you suddenly have this uncontrollable
urge to go out for fish and chips, in America.
english.622vkrstonosic,
>> So, would anyone outhere kindly send me some jokes about slam the door,
>> donkey shout... in order that I can tell him without hurt.
I am being fond of this:
Once upon time, there were donkeys. She were sleeping through corral.
Barn doors slammed open, and oats were sufficiently grubby. Bale
of hay were hit and green golf balls were found. When compus neighbour
came upon wreckage, this being dirty saucepans and was alarmed as soon
as surprised. So do not be hurt, as I tell you this, the donkey still
shout at strange hours, and I sometimes slam the door too.
english.623vkrstonosic,
So it's about nuns.
What's black and white and red and can't turn around in a hallway?
A nun with a javelin through her head.
What's black and white and green and wobbly?
A nun carrying a pool table.
Hee.
english.624vkrstonosic,
Two kids are playing in a parking lot under an apartment building.
One of them finds a used condom. Its been rolled back looking like a
donut. So the kid says to his friend "Hey look what I found!" The other
kid gets jealous and starts begging for the donut condom. The kid then makes
a deal with his friend and says, "Alright I'll sell it to you for a buck."
So both leave the parking lot happy.
The kid who found the condom runs up to his apartment to tell his mom
what happened. "Mommy, mommy guess what? I found a donut!" The
mother replies, "That's nice son." The kid then says, "Yeah, and I sold
it for a dollar!" The mother then says, "That's nice son." The
kid then says, "But, I was smart mom. I SUCKED THE CREAM OUT OF IT FIRST!"
english.625vkrstonosic,
Holiday Time
..accelerating with glee i suddenly noticed a suspect caravan in front of me.
I knew that it was most likely another FBI ambush van. I quickly overtook them
and checked out the cars occupants. As i thought FBI! cleverly disguised as an
old couple with two young kids (probably as decoys). After a while of driving
next to them and looking down at them from my massive Kenworth baby, they
confirmed my theory by looking back up at me. They could have easily shot away,
no doubt was in my mind as to some supercharged V8 they had cunningly hidden
under the bonnet of their VW Combi van. I had to act quickly. Ploughing into
the side of their vehicle i forced it off the road into a ditch. I slammed on
the brakes and got out, this time taking with me my 10" Bowie Knife and a
Chainsaw (which i always have handy). I heard screams and realized they were
still faking their tourist disguise to the max. I hate overacting, i reved up
ol chainy and made my way down to the wrangled car. One of the kids had his leg
wedged in the car and looked at me with terror. He wouldn't be much trouble i
chainsawed open the roof and checked out who remained. It was a bloody mess in
there but the girl in the back was still alive, bowie in her guts took care of
that, never seen anyone drop their guts so bad, with a muted scream i saw the
boy having watched me with shock had now pulled himself apart from his leg and
was crawling away. He would talk i was sure so i cut him of (his escape that
is) and proceded to dog food him...
extracted with kind permission from alt.classic.music 'The Ledgend Of Nick
Detroit'
english.626vkrstonosic,
EAT AT MOTHERS
..the sign flashed at the side of the road, rain was falling, a cold wind was
blowing. The knot in my belly made me enter the small truckstop. I saw parked
outside a sole car, namely the grey corvette that so arrogantly overtook me 3
miles back. I parked my Kenworth so that the guy had no chance of escaping in
his car. Reaching back into my bag of goodies i got out my Smith & Wesson 12"
Stainless Steel Marines Shotgun, what a beauty she is too, a also choose a
Remington .45 for good measure. Walking inside i sized up the situation withe
ease, corvette driver at table with back to me drinking coffee, the 65 year old
disabled woman who ran the place, started yelling, i pointed the .45 at her and
she shut up. God she was a pathetic sight in her wheelchair. as i approached
the corvette driver, she made a attempt to escape, but i stopped her quite
easily with an accurate blast from Smithy, which fucked her wheelchair up
mighty bad, and blew her in little bits againt the wall. The corvette driver
spun around and i knew i had to act quickly as he came towards me with a loaded
bowl of sugar, i emptied the remaining 5 rounds of Shot into him, which made
him drop the sugar bowl. i decided it was time to move on....
english.627vkrstonosic,
Here's an oldie but a goodie, from one who's been there:
What are the two happiest days of a man's life?
--The day he buys his boat, and the day he sells it
english.628vkrstonosic,
At St. Peter's place, there were 2 signs. One said
"Husband Who've Been Henpecked". The other said
"Husbands who Haven't Been Henpecked". The first
sign had a line a mile long waiting by it. The second
one had only one guy. St. Peter shows up. He asks the
one lone guy by the "Not Henpecked" sign -"What's the deal?
How come you're the only guy by this sign. The guy says
"I don't know-my wife told me to stand here!"
english.629vkrstonosic,
>That's like saying if God wanted us to fly we would have wings!!!
No, it's: If God had meant us to fly,
He would never have given us the railways.
english.630xenomorphe,
Evo i nekih toponima u prilog bogatstvu i engleskog i srpskog jezika:
Wet Little Grove - Mali Mokri Lug
Motel Sands - Han Pijesak
Whore's Bridge - Rospi Cuprija
Drum Springs - Bubanj Potok
Escape Hill - Bezanijska Kosa
Curse Peaks - Prokletije
Princeton - Knjazevac
Toliko za nocas. Pozdrav,
Dejan.
english.631ivujanic,
>MOUSE BALLS.....
;))))))))))))))))
Ivica
P.S. pošaljite tom čoveku u IBM tih 30 minuta, zasluzio je!
english.632vkrstonosic,
>Did you ever try to tell a joke in Pascal, or C++ (same thing)?
>
I did...
One of the winners of the International Obfuscated C Contest 1990 was
Brian Westley <digidb!merlyn>, and his program (Price for the
best layout) was this:
---- cut here ---
char*lie;
double time, me= !0XFACE,
not; int rested, get, out;
main(ly, die) char ly, **die ;š
signed char lotte,
dear; (char)lotte--;
for(get= !me;; not)š
1 - out & out ;lie;š
char lotte, my= dear,
**let= !!me *!not+ ++die;
(char*)(lie=
"The gloves are OFF this time, I detest you, snotĐnĐ0sed GEEK!");
do šnot= *lie++ & 0xF00L* !me;
#define love (char*)lie -
love 1s *!(not= atoi(let
Šget -me?
(char)lotte-
(char)lotte: my- *love -
'I' - *love - 'U' -
'I' - (long) - 4 - 'U' Ć)- !!
(time =out= 'a'));ć while( my - dear
&& 'I'-1l -get- 'a'); break;ćć
(char)*lie++;
(char)*lie++, (char)*lie++; hell:0, (char)*lie;
get *out* (short)ly -0-'R'- get- 'a'žrested;
do šauto*eroticism,
that; puts(*( out
- 'c'
-('P'-'S') +die+ -2 ));ćwhile(!"you're at it");
for (*((char*)&lotte)ž=
(char)lotte; (love ly) Š(char)++lotte+
!!0xBABEĆ;)š if ('I' -lieŠ 2 +(char)lotteĆ)š 'I'-1l ***die; ć
elseš if ('I' * get *out* ('I'-1l **dieŠ 2 Ć)) *((char*)&lotte) -=
'4' - ('I'-1l); not; for(get=!
get; !out; (char)*lie & 0xD0- !not) return!!
(char)lotte;ć
(char)lotte;
doš not* putchar(lie Šout
*!not* !!me +(char)lotteĆ);
not; for(;!'a';);ćwhile(
love (char*)lie);š
register this; switch( (char)lie
Š(char)lotteĆ -1s *!out) š
char*les, get= 0xFF, my; case' ':
*((char*)&lotte) += 15; !not +(char)*lie*'s';
this +1s+ not; default: 0xF +(char*)lie;ććć
get - !out;
if (not--)
goto hell;
exit( (char)lotte);ć
---- cut here ---
This program compiles and produces decent output.
usage: westley <number>
If you would rather "Daisy" someone other than Westley, rename
the program as needed. :-)
Selected notes from the author:
This is a "Picking the Daisy" simulation. Now, instead of mangling a
daisy, simply run this program with the number of petals desired as
the argument.
This is a good counter-example to peoples' complaints that C doesn't
have an "English-like" syntax.
Lint complains about everything - null effect, xxx may be used before
set, statement not reached, return(e) and return. Lint dumps core
on some systems. My personal favorite lint complaint is
"warning: eroticism unused in function main".
Also obviously, (char)lotte and (char*)lie are incompatible types...
K. CROES - IMEC - Leuven - Belgium croesčimec.be
The Demon King bites in your leg and you feel weaker.
--
ftitčengin.umich.edu (Sergej Roytman) writes:
>I don't know; English isn't the worst language I've come across.
>Did you ever try to tell a joke in Pascal, or C++ (same thing)?
>
%!
%%Encapsulated-JokeScript
Š
Š(californians) (one to change it and three to share the experience) Ć
Š(programmers) (none: it's a hardware problem) Ć
Š(psychoanalysts) (only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change)Ć
Ć
š
dup 2 get /Answer def
1 get (How many) exch append
(does it take to change a lightbulb?)
append show
pause Answer show
ć forall
english.633vkrstonosic,
Space Shuttle Astronauts Jay and Jerry did an on-site repair
to the 617 Million Dollar Gamma Ray Observatory satellite
this weekend, needing only a few seconds to fix a stuck
antenna by giving it 3 small tugs.
Taking the advice of TV and VCR repair shops, NASA has sent
the following itemized bill:
Repair Labor $ 35.00 (2 techs č 1/2 hr minimum)
On-Site Call $ 61,700,000.00 (Contract at 10% of list)
Mileage $ 94.64 (2 * 182 miles č .26 per)
Parts $ .00
Cleaner $ 7.00
---------------
$ 61,700,146.64
Had the decision been made to not do the repair, the parts and
cleaner would have been deleted, but the rest of the bill
would still be due as the "estimate charges".
english.634vkrstonosic,
I think that I can even top the story about the blind driver. A few years ago
I had a friend and student named Bill. When I say student, I mean that he
was in one of my Tae Kwon Do classes. He was blind.
He had one of the best senses of humor that I have ever encountered, and
he also was one of the most determined people I have ever dealt with. He
refused to let his blindness become a handicap. He would come to class
and work out harder than the seeing students, and he constantly served as
inspiration to all of us.
We traveled to Minneapolis for a tournament when Bill was a green belt. It
was his first tourney out of the local area, and none of the fighters knew
him. being a rather large and agressive guy (240lbs), he easily defeated
a number of competitors. He ran into a solid competitor in the third or
fourth match, and was taking some punishment. He went wild.......
Bill pretty much fought by sound....as the heat was turned up he started
striking out at anything that he heard.....the referee took some of the best
hits I've ever seen a man take in a match..he actually even countered a few
until I could get in the ring and convince Bill that he was hitting the wrong
man. Bill was disqualified, but everyone was astonished that a blind man had
been able to fight his way up to third place.......
It was party time...we hit all the famous Minneapolis watering holes, and
before you knew it we were all drunk....except for Bill. We appointed him
driver, and he steered us safely back to our hotel. The funny thing was that
he actually had a drivers license! he had a degenerative eye disease that
had destroyed his sight in less than two years...his license was still
valid! If we had been pulled over we would have had some explaining to do,
but we would have been legal!
To be young and wreckless again!
english.635vkrstonosic,
Lotus Introduces Controversial New Product
čččččččččččččččččččččččččččččččččččččččččč
Today, Lotus Development Corporation introduced a new member of its MarketPlace
product family, MarketPlace: Surveillance. This product, intended for "law
enforcement, security, and just plain nosey organizations," ushers in the era
of what Lotus spokespook Bud Dorkar called "Desktop Political Repression."
"Any company can put citizens at your fingertips, Dorkar continued, "only Lotus
puts them in the palm of your hand."
The product consists of a CD-ROM and software to read it. The CD-ROM contains
information on individuals, including:
name
social security number
address
phone number
estimated income
estimated political and organization affiliations
marital status
name of spouse, if any
names of children, if any
names of pets, if any
names of other household members
known associates
gender
estimated sexual orientation
estimated race
estimated religion
criminal record, if any
magazine subscriptions
library books checked out recently
cars and boats owned
driving record
fingerprints, if available
favorite color
one thing in the whole world most afraid of
comments by previous investigators
Users can select potential investigation subjects via a variety of selection
criteria, such as "all married environmentalists within an hour's drive of
Chicago." The selected records are then copied to hard-disk from the CD-ROM.
As an investigation proceeds, new information can be added to records, and the
user can even create new fields in the data records.
Every copy of MarketPlace: Surveillance comes with demonstration
data, based on 1930's KGB files. "We used the Russian data,
frankly, because it was so cheap," said Dorkar. "They sold us this
doesn't have much value anyway, most of the people in the database
were purged long ago."
After the user purchases MarketPlace: Surveillance, they send in a registration
form for real data. They then have the demo data to play with and fantasize
about, while their real data is on its way. The user must specify what region
of the U.S or other country they want data for. Each disk contains data on
approximately 12 million citizens, legal aliens, and other people. One region
comes free with the program, and others may be purchased for $100 each. "We
have the U.S., most of Central and South America, and several Asian countries
available," Dorkar said. "We will try to introduce Africa and the Middle East
in time for Christmas. We hope to bring one or two of the Canadian provinces
on board too. Hopefully, the EC (European Common Market) will be in some day,
but that's at least two years out, they're just not ready."
Anticipating criticism of the product, Dorkar addressed security
and privacy concerns:
ŠThe developers of MarketPlaceĆ implemented a number of
controls that go far beyond traditional practices for the
security community. Besides limiting the data to what is
readily available as a matter of public record, Census data
profiling, and similar sources most governments can already
access, we have taken three additional and important steps:
(1) We are offering the product only to legitimate
governments and businesses.
(2) We provide people with an option to have their names
removed from the database.
(3) We are educating and advising users of the proper
legal and ethical responsibilities for list usage.
To remove their names from the database, people need only call Lotus at
1-800-328-7448, and give a Lotus operator their name, date of birth, social
security number, and why they don't want to be in the database. The Lotus
operator will then roll two dice to determine which of 25 complex and expensive
methods the person will be required to use to be removed from the database. An
exception is if the operator rolls doubles. In that case, the operator will
take all of the information over the phone, then send two guys with baseball
bats to visit your house within three business days.
All of the people who ask to be removed are purged from the database. Their
names and social security numbers are kept on a separate list, so they will
never reappear in the standard database. The separate list is, however,
available on CD-ROM for $200, twice the regular price.
Dorkar concluded by vociferously defending MarketPlace: Surveillance, spittle
flying from his lips: "Some people argue that the information collected in
Lotus MarketPlace: Surveillance should not be available. However, this
information is really already really readily readable, either as a matter of
public record or through thousands of other lists and database sources. For
example, the FBI alone has files on literally millions of Americans."
"Access to information is one of the benefits of a free society. In developing
MarketPlace: Surveillance, Lotus and its data providers have strived to balance
the right to privacy with the freedom of information that is a hallmark of our
society."
english.636vkrstonosic,
This is something that I thought up one afternoon while pondering
why I even bother with Software Engineering class (can we say Nytol).
The following is a comparison between Comedians and Compilers that
atleast one person should find somewhat amusing...
Monty Python : 'C++ / Objective C'
----------------------------------
Some people pretend to know what its all about, but the fact is
many of us don't know the half of it.
Eddie Murphy : 'C'
------------------
Slick, Popular, and Dirty. What's not to like.
Arsenio Hall : Turbo Pascal
---------------------------
Tries to look/feel/be like C, but it just doesn't have what it
takes... And never will!
Johnny Carson : Pascal
----------------------
Its been around forever, but has anyone ever found a use for it?
It seems to owe so much to all the popular gained by those that
have taken from it.
Jay Leno : Modula-2
-------------------
Newer than pascal, but doesn't improve on it.
Bob Hope : Cobol
----------------
How much more can they do with this Dinosaur?
Andrew Dice Clay
----------------
Either you love it, or, you don't! Admitting it in public however,
is a completely different story.
George Burns : Fortran
----------------------
Every time you forget about it, its having a birthday party and
your reminded that it exists.
Roseane Barr : Ada
------------------
JUST A PIG!
english.637vkrstonosic,
By God, the LAPD has really kicked the Selma syndrome once and for all!
(For those who've already forgotten, in the 60s Selma, Alabama, was
the site of vicious attacks by the local police on peaceful Black
demonstrators.)
english.638vkrstonosic,
Top 10 reasons Saddam is leaving Kuwait:
10) Sears 2 for 1 sale on Scuds is over.
9) American troops capturing Air Force generals before he can shoot them.
8) Only way to get those damn CNN crews out of the country.
7) No more Kuwaiti VCR's to steal.
6) Special war reports keep pre-empting "Alf."
5) War not as fun when other side shoots back.
4) Top Secret "play dead and whine' defense not working.
3) Economy hurting; hard to pump oil form burning wells.
2) Albert Goldman and Bob Woodward threatening to write books about him.
1) Siskel and Ebert gave the war a "thumbs down."
english.639vkrstonosic,
They finally let Chief Gates come back to his job with the LA Police Dept.
He's also introducing some new legislation.
He wants a requirement to have everyone wait 7 days to get a camcorder.
english.640vkrstonosic,
NEW YORK CITY (UPI) -- Just days after the release of her "hiss and
tell" biography of Nancy Reagan, Kitty Kelley has released another book,
this time an autobiography titled "Remembrance of Things Crass: The
Unauthorized Autobiography of Kitty Kelley." Copies obtained by UPI show
that the book will be uncompromising.
In a press conference promoting the book, Kelley indicated that
she spent many months intensively investigating her subject. "She is an
extremely difficult woman to track down," said Kelley. "More often than
not, her phone was busy." Indeed, noted Kelley, an interview with Kelley
proved impossible. Instead, Kelley massed data about her subject by
conducting intensive face-to-face interviews with people closely associated
with
Kelley, most of whom refused to allow their names to be revealed.
Kelley insists that she is not afraid of reprisals from her subject.
"In fact," she stated, "I have received threatening phone calls, but I just
shrug them off."
Revelations from "The Unauthorized Autobiography" include:
- That Kelley's books were all ghostwritten: "In fact, samples
of Kelley's own writing suggest that she would need a dictionary just to
write a shopping list."
- That Kelley cheated her publisher (coincidentally, the publisher
of this autobiography) out of hundreds of thousands of dollars by inflating
budgets and forging advance checks.
- That Kelley has brutally murdered more than twenty children.
- That Kelley frequently cross-posts to inappropriate newsgroups
during flamewars.
Kelley was unavailable for comment about these allegations.
english.641vkrstonosic,
Every woman's a 10. It just depends upon which base you're counting in.
english.642vkrstonosic,
Q: Why do L.A. cops carry nightsticks?
A: Beats me...
english.643vkrstonosic,
Newsflash X/X 1992 Newsflash
St. Louis, MO --(UPI)-- Vice President Dan Quayle today visited
St. Louis, MO, which bears a heavy population descended from German
immigrants. In order to show support for the newly-unified country
of Germany, fatherland of many in the audience, he repeated John F.
Kennedy's words of support 30 years earlier, but this time in English,
"I am a Jelly Doughnut!" Political commentators agreed that something
was lost in the translation. Dan Quayle explained his remark by saying
that he had been told those who lived in central America enjoyed jelly
doughnuts.
english.644vkrstonosic,
How does an LA policeman go fishing?
He catches one fish, then beats it until it tells him where the others
are.
english.645vkrstonosic,
Brought back from the Sudan when it was a one-party dictatorship.
A young man, going to "vote" for the first time in a national election,
got nervous in the voting booth and mistakenly voted against the ruling
party. When he told his father, the old man ran to the polling place to
try to correct the error that would probably spell doom for the whole
family. "Please, you must save us," he told the election officials in a
panic, "can the error be changed?" "Don't worry," they replied, "it's
already been taken care of."
english.646vkrstonosic,
OK, I've been bitten by the bug. What's interesting to me is not what's going
on when your're doing the speed of light, but what could happen as you
accelerate TOWARDs the speed of light:
---Is this the world's hardest way to get to own a stretch limo?
---What happens when you turn around to shout at the kids in the back seat
and find they've died from old age?
---What kind of havoc could this wreak on the honorable institution of
Backseat Driving?
---What happens if you miss a gear-change?
---If your kid tries to climb into the front seat with you?
---If you suddenly realize you forgot to turn the iron off?
---If one (or more) of your passengers tend towards car-sickness?
---If your headrest breaks off?
-Mike Smithson
School of Behavioural Sciences, James Cook University, Queensland 4811
Australia; bhmjsčmarlin.jcu.edu.au
english.647vkrstonosic,
Have you ever noticed the warnings on the back of lysol can's about how
misuse is against federal law.. I can just picture this......
***Fade in***
<*Ring* *Ring*>
Agent: "Federal Bureau of Investigations, this is Agent Dick"
Mother:"Sir, my son won't stop roasting cockroaches with my lighter and
the lysol can! I can't take it anymore!!"
Agent: "Hold on ma'm, we'll be right there. We'll make sure that little
&*%*%*$ pays for what he's done!"
Mother:"Please hurry! I heard him muttering something about cutting the tags
off of all the mattresses. I'm losing it!!" <sounds of bawling>
Agent: "Just stay on the phone ma'm, we've got a swat team on the way now.
Everything will be ok, just keep it together and hide the scissors!"
***Fade out***
//Cerebral meltdown//
english.648vkrstonosic,
This ferry is cutting through the Thames river in Britain. There are
only two people standing on the deck of the ferry. One is a sort of
well dressed englishman and other is a cockeney lady.
Suddenly there is a strong breeze which lifts this lady's gown
revealing her. This guy is obviously emabarassed and to start
some topic says to the lady: " Airy isn't it?"
The lady retorts: " Well what do ya hexpect ?? Hostrich feathers???
english.649vkrstonosic,
Did anyone see CNN this afternoon?
Did anyone see that stupid iraqi bitch hollering how mouth off
(no offense to arabs, just the spaz on CNN, and hussein, I hate hussein!)
"IT IS ALL OF YOU WHO ARE DOING THIS"
"IT IS THE WEST I TELL YOU!"
and so fourth, I couldn't understand what in the heck she was saying.
Why are they mad at us for killing civilians?
They are used to having there own people killed, why are they
so upset about it now?
And what do they call sending missiles to center city tel-avi, that is
the ones that make it.
english.650vkrstonosic,
In the national radio of Denmark, there is a program right
now, which you can call on the phone and tell your favorite
joke. A few days ago, a guy called and told this old one:
Hitler was visiting a KZ-camp. Walking around the camp,
he saw a little jewish girl, and he asked her:
- How old are you, my little freind?
- I'll be six years old tomorrow!
- Oh, no, You won't...
Then everything was silent in the studio, and after a while,
one of the hosts said:
- My grandfather died in one of those camps....
The guy on the phone was obviously(?) embarressed and really
sorry - Didn't know how to respond... Until the host
continued...
- Yeah, he fell from the watch tower!
Anders, Denmark.
My name : Anders Juul Nielsen
My quote: "Some people say that I've wasted my fortune. I say, that 90% of my
money was spend on women, booze and fast cars. The rest of my money
was wasted" - George Best, X-soccer pro.
Username: MADS FOEK, the name of a small magazine, on which I'm one of the
editors. We're always looking for good, funny articles to print. We
look though these pages of course, but if you have something good,
it would be greatly appreciated, if you'd mail us a copy.
Try finger madsfoekčdaimi.aau.dk for more info.
english.651vkrstonosic,
I have been subjected to the biases and special pleadings of
the artsy-fartsy culture vultures long enough. They sneer at
anything which isn't in their own mold (mould?) of
avant-gardishness. They perpetuate stupid jokes by laughing at
people who quite seriously say, "I may not know much about.... but I
know what I like."
It is time for the rest of us to revolt against this
claptrap of self-indulgent behaviour which passes itself off as "the
actualization of one's self potential," and which somehow has
unfortunately Šin Canuckland, at leastĆ bedeviled enough politicians
that fully 65.7% of our tax dollars go to supporting these alleged
artistes through direct grants and purchases of junk that any
sensible person would pay someone else to haul off to the municipal
landfill site. It is time for a new organization to be formed to aid
this revolution. To that end, I hereby announce the formation of
The P.L.O.
The Philistine Liberation Organization welcomes as new
members those who support this cause. The basic tenets of the PLO
are divided into two general categories: things we like and things
we don't like. An overall score of 80% qualifies you for membership.
Things we like:
1. Montovani's music - great stuff, easy listening.
2. McDonald's burgers - good taste, fast service, ok price.
3. Vinyl instead of leather for gloves, clothing, upholstery, etc.
- cheaper, requires less care, more durable.
4. Canadian wine - good high for the buck (in Ontario, anyway).
5. Shopping at K-mart - hey, they got some good stuff there, ya know.
6. Commodore 64s - good games and they're real computers, too.
7. Shopping Mall landscape art - isn't it amazing how real those pictures
look?
8. Barry Manilow's songs - they capture the true meaning of life.
9. Hockey Night in Canada, Monday Night ____ball, etc. - great
entertainment.
10. "If I have to go to a 'concert', I hope they play some marches - you
know, something I can hum along with and tap my feet to."
11. Prime time television - when I get home from work, I don't want to
have to think; I want to relax and feel good.
12. Winnebagos - why go camping without some of the bare necessities of
life?
13. LaChoy Chinese dinners. - authentic and easy to fix.
14. Pictures of dogs playing poker; they're *so* cute!
15. Velvet Elvis paintings.
16. Chicken Cordon Bleu; but other restaurants should follow Arby's
lead and put it on a bun. With ketchup.
17. Slim Whitman; he has an amazing vocal gift.
18. Beer in cans. None of this "fancy rubber stopper" imported stuff. And
forget the glass.
19. Red meat.
20. 8-track tapes or auto-reverse sound blasters: continuous play for
Manilow and Whitman, of course.
21. Cold pizza. It's not just for breakfast anymore!
22. Velcro closures. Zippers, snaps, laces, buttons are all passe' and much
less reliable.
23. Belching contests.
24. Watermelon seed spitting contests.
25. Ripplesole shoes - great comfort.
26. Burt Kaemfert and Lawrence Welk - good toe-tappin' music.
27. Micky's Malt Liquor - "It gets you there quicker."
28. Tuna casserole and lime jello - quick, easy, tasty, and sticks
to your ribs.
29. Boxcar Willie - the sounds of the lonesome road.
Things we don't like:
1. Real flowers - they wilt and need care - plastic's much better.
2. BMW's, Mercedes, etc. - I'll take an Econoline any day.
3. Gourmet food - so little food, such bad tastes, such high prices!
4. 100% wool or cotton - they require too much and too costly care - give
me polyester or acrylic instead.
5. Symphony orchestra concerts - especially playing 20th century music.
6. Real wood furniture - vinyl laminate is easier to care for and harder
to damage.
7. Birkenstock Sandals - footwear of the truly effete snobs.
8. "Serious" drama - hey, for $25 it had better make me laugh --- a lot.
9. Pictures that aren't pictures of anything.
10. "Cocktail" parties that serve only Perrier and vegetables.
11. PBS - if I wanted educational junk, I'd go to school.
12. backpacking - you mean people really LIKE to be uncomfortable?
That's sick.
13. Restaurants that serve crepes, but don't bring you any syrup.
14. And even if they do bring syrup, it's some horrid tasting stuff
made from a tree; I much prefer Aunt Jemima's.
15. French paintings that look as if the artist needed glasses.
16. Silly magazines with no sports section.
17. ...and no fold-out? You don't really read that stuff, do you?
18. Hi-fi systems with too many controls, like "equalizers" & "Dolby."
19. The Motion Picture Academy, for not giving "Rambo III" the Best
Picture Award; damn snobs.
20. sprouts of any kind.
21. Restaurants with ferns - who needs an annoying plant in the face;
especially one that sheds.
22. salad bars.
23. mixed drinks. Why bother?
24. Herbal tea - there's a good reason this stuff never catches on.
25. Any bar with stained glass (except maybe for beer stains).
26. Carob powder.
27. Foreign language menus - what pretentious snobs.
28. Gourmet food with wine in it! - a fine wine should be shaken first
and drunk from a bag, if possible.
29. Meaningful (i.e. pretentious) Fellini and Bergman movies with no
redeeming merit such as nudity or action or good music.
We hope you read this announcement in the spirit that one might
read, say, the drive-in movie reviews of Joe Bob Briggs.
The purpose of our organization, it must be made clear, is to pro-
mote tolerance and open-mindedness; to lampoon arrogance and self-
indulgent pomposity. We don't really give a $hit if you like Shostakovich,
escargot, and Birkenstocks. We also don't really give a $hit if you like
Neil Diamond, pizza, and Kodiak Grebs. We do, however, give a $hit if
you try to tell us what we should like; and we have real diarhea if you
try to get us to pay for what you think we should like.
Want to join the P.L.O.? ok, you're probably already a member
then. Want to add to the tenets? Mail your suggestions to me, and I'll
keep a list.
đ"You know what I'd like? a little plastic container
đof Hollandaise sauce for my Egg McMuffin." ---
đQuoted from 5 & 1/2 year-old Donald McDonald --
đBless his little gourmet heart.
english.652vkrstonosic,
What does Saddam have in common with pantyhose?
They both rub bush the wrong way.
english.653vkrstonosic,
Greetings.
I was explaning to my mom how some companies (mail oreder) are
better than others. I told her that for an addition $50 or so,
some companies would put their system through a "burn in".
She wanted an explanation of this "burn in" so I told her
that they put the computers in a very hot room and let them run
for 12-24 hours.
So she said: "Why not save that $50. When you get the computer,
put it in the oven for a day"
hahah :-)
Take care.
english.654vkrstonosic,
I read this in a serious newspaper about 10 years ago.
A gentleman in B.C. bought a large RV motor home with cruise control. After
driving from the dealer, he stopped at the store to get supplies for his
trip. Once he got on the highway he put the vehicle in cruise control...and
proceeded to the kitchen section of the RV to make breakfast! He was ofcourse
injured in the crash.
english.655vkrstonosic,
I was just reminded of the following gem tonight:
"How do you make Barry Manilow's (or Barbara Streizant's - sp?) nose
twelve inches?
Fold it in half..."
Of course, what my roomate said was:
"Hey, how can I make my dick 12 inches?"
...and in case you are wondering, yes it IS hell living with the guy...
Also this was posted some time ago:
"Did you hear about the worst Japaneze kamikaze pilot ever?
His name was Too-Chicken-To... He flew over two hundred missions..."
Rock on, Rosie...
Simos Hadjiyiannis
"Ase me na kanw lathos, mhn mou les pws hn ntroph,
Ase me na vrw monaxos pio to telos. pia h arxh..."
english.656vkrstonosic,
Subject: BEAUTIFUL HOUSE TO SHAVE
Looking for female housemate, 25+, to share large, beautiful
two-bedroom home in Emerald Hills with one female, one cat.
Guys, what do you think-- which is available for shaving--
the female or the cat? I have this terribly funny picture in
my head of an electric razor going rampant on the cat.
english.657vkrstonosic,
Top Ten Facets of Bush's State-of-the-union Speech
10) Kept profanity to a minimum
9) Cue card girls were outfitted by Frederick's (sp) of Hollywood
8) Snuck the phrase 'penis breadth' by the censors
7) Dan Quayle stayed awake for almost half of the speech
6) Excellent use of hand puppets to enhance critical points
5) Clever way of using the name of Mother Theresa and Saddam
Hussein in the same sentence
4) Advancing age has not dulled Bush's eloquent speaking voice
3) Provided two more clues to Pepsi's 'Crack the Code' contest
2) Maintained composure while an obviously intoxicated Barbara Bush
was dragged from the room
..and the Number One Facet of Bush's s-o-t-u speech
1) President's speech did not pre-empt 30 year-old B-grade movie
showing on cable super-station TBS.
english.658vkrstonosic,
I had this one told to me twice in the same evening. The second time, I was
prepared. As presented, it should be told to a man. It's easily modified to
fit your favorite gender, or ethnic group, or, or....
-----
A government study has just come out which shows that fifty-five percent of
American men masturbate. The other forty-five percent sing in the shower.
Do you know what they sing?
-----
Most men, of course, will indicate that they don't know. That's when the
fun begins....
...and it brings to mind an old gag that involves mumbling. As we used to
do this (č20 yr. ago), it involved some language which currently is considered
"politically incorrect". Therefore, we'll rephrase things slightly:
-----
"Did you know that over eighty percent of gay men are mumblemumblemumble?"
"Are what?"
"Hard of hearing."
-----
I've never laid this one on any of my gay acquaintences, but it might actually
be even funnier that way...assuming the existence of a sense of humor to begin
with. Fortunately, most folks seem to be born with a sense of humor, or at
least something they use for one.
I prefer to mumble nonsense syllables which follow "hard of hearing" in meter
and vowels.
Mumblemumblemumble,
d
PS -- Since you ask, I replied, "Wagner's 'Libestodt'."
d
--
"Got to slap these Goddamn Third World nations around, Flynn," he said,
"until they learn some manners." -- Gregory MacDonald, from _Flynn_
Duke McMullan n5gax nss13429r phon505-255-4642 ee5391aačtriton.cirt.unm.edu
english.659vkrstonosic,
Actually surveys indicate that 98% of men masturbate. (this is true!)
Further surveys indicate that the other 2% lied.
Đ/ oĐ Paul Crowley aipdcčuk.ac.ed.castle
/Đ__/ Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
english.660xenomorphe,
Ovo sam proslog leta (istina ziva) video u jelovniku u jednom
restoranu u Crnoj Gori:
Skusa
Fish ------------- ##.## (neka cena)
Sardele ------------- ##.##
Little Fish
Girice ------------- ##.##
Very Little Fish
Da su bile i papaline, mozda bi bilo nesto kao:
Very, very, teeny-weeny damn fucking bleeding indeed little fish
english.661dusan,
how do you know when your sister is having a period?
your fathers dick tastes funny.
english.662dejanr,
The Manager
V.M.C.A Hotel, London
Roma, 10.5.1991
Dear Signore Direttore,
Noew I am tella you story wat I was a treated at jour hotella. I
am a comma from Roma as tourist to London and stay as a young
christian man at your hottela. When comma in my room i sow there
is no shit in my bed - how can I sleep with no shit in my bed?
So I calla down to receptios and tella. "I wanta shit."
They tella me: "Go to toilett."
I say: "No, no I wanta shit in my bed."
They say: "You'd better not shit in your bed, you sonna-wa-bitch."
What is sonna-wa-bitch? I go down for breakfast into restorante.
I order becon and egges and two pissis of toast. I getta only
one piss of toast. I tella waitress, and point at toast: "I want
piss."
She tella me: "Go to toilet."
I say: "No, no I wanta piss on my plate."
She then say to me: "You'd bloody wella not piuss on the plate,
you sonna-wa-bitch."
That is the second person who not even know me calla me sonna-
wa-bitch, and why is your staff replying "Go to toilet", is that
a modern tella? I do not understand, please tella me.
Latter I go for dinner in your restorante. Spoon and knife is
laid out, but no fock. I tella waitress: "I wanta fock."
And she tella me: "Sure, everyone wanta fock."
I tella her: "No, no you don't understand me, I wanta fock on
the table."
She tella me: "So you sonna-wa-bitch wanta fock on the table?
Get your ass out of here."
How comma this christian hotell tella the guest in such bed
manner?
So I go to receptione and ask for bill. I no wanta stay in this
hotel no more. When I have paid the a billa the portier say to
me:
"Thank you, and piss on Yoe."
I say: "Piss on you too, you sonna-wa-bitch. I now go back to
Italy."
Dirtettore, I never gona stay in your hottela no more, you sona-
wa-bitch.
Mario Pisselin
english.663zivan,
▀What is the difference between a black man and a film ?
THe film can be developed !
english.664vasiljevic,
E moj zivane rasisto !!!!
Marko (the peace man;>)
english.665dristic,
How do you save a White girl from being rapped by five
Black boys ?
You throw in the Basketball !!!
english.666mtadic,
This one is from Germany, but is originally English
Q.: How many newspapers can a girl hold between her legs? (legs)
A.: 3 Daily Telegraph, or 5 Guardian or 4 Sun's...
...and as many Times as you want!
Enjoy it!
english.667dejanr,
YUGO-A-GO-GO: When Yugo auto sales took a nose dive, there were still
hundreds of thousands of kids who never had the chance to
ride in one of these Iron Curtain Wonder cars ! That's where
the amazing wacky Yugo-A-Go-Go comes in ! Aftyer inserting
a quarter, simply climb in, turn the ignition key and
experience the feeling of absolutely nothing happening ...
just like actual Yugo owners did ! And here's the extra
surprise: This ride ISN'T a toy replica ! Its's a real
non-working, cramped and uncomfortable Yugo ! Va Va Voom !
english.668djelovic,
A man comes to an auto shop and asks the clerk working there if he
could get a new gas cap for his yugo. "Sure," replied the clerk,
"sounds like a fair exchange."
english.669dusan,
This text is originally in Atari conference. Since most of you people do not
read "that" conf......
CONFERENCE: A group of people who individually, can do nothing,
but as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can
be done.
DEMOCRATS: I made so much money betting on the Democrats that I
became a Republican.
KIDS: Strike your child every day...if you don't know why
....he does.
SADIST: A guy who does nice things to a masochist.
english.670alexa,
'To be is to do' - Socrates
'To do is to be' - Jean Paul Sartre
'Do be do be do' - Frank Sinatra
english.671xenomorphe,
>'To be is to do' - Socrates
>'To do is to be' - Jean Paul Sartre
>'Do be do be do' - Frank Sinatra
Samo, zaboravio si ono glavno:
2b || !(2b)
english.672djelovic,
>> xenomorphe, 19.08.Pon 01:40, 159 chr
----------
Xenomorphe? Oh, just another bug hunt... Aint it, Vaskez?
english.673beast,
>> Xenomorphe? Oh, just another bug hunt... Aint it, Vaskez?
Jaoooooooo,još jedan pametan čovek na sezamu...Aliens! Najbolji
sf film ikada!
english.674lanik,
>> Aliens! Najbolji sf film ikada!
Možda bi trebalo u pokretne.slike, ali what the hell...
Aliens najbolji SF film?!?? Joooooooj! Aliens je samo bleda kopija
Alien-a, koji još i može da prodje kao jedan stvarno dooobar film, ali
Aliens???? Nije dovoljno da se dešava u svemiru da bi bio SF. SF nije samo
"pucačina u svemiru", pa makar se uništavali i Aliensi veličine King-konga.
Aliens je, isto kao i Highlander 2, samo jedan pokušaj da se izvuče još
koji dolar na "staru slavu".
Da me Esad Jakupović ne bi kritikovao, evo i vica: ;))
Q: What do you call a midget, fortune-teller that escaped from prison?
A: Small, medium, at large!
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
I've seen things u people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shore
of Orion. I watched C-beams... glitter in the dark, near the Tannhauser gate.
All those moments will be lost, in time... like tears... in rain. Time to die.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
english.675dusan,
-> Aliens najbolji SF film?!?? Joooooooj! Aliens je samo bleda kopija
->Alien-a, koji još i može da prodje kao jedan stvarno dooobar film, ali
mali grešiš, Aliens je stvarno strašno dobar film, u svim pogledima. I tehnički
i scenario, ama sve. To je jedan od retkih filmova koji je prevazišao prvi deo,
i koji te drži dobrih dva sata u grču. Ali to još nije sve. Snimljen je treći
deo koji bi uskoro trebao na velika vrata da sa pojavi. Kažu da će on jedini da
parira Terminatoru 2 ove godine. E za njega već mogu da kažem da je snimljen da
bi izvukao koji dolar više, znači čista komercijala.
-> Da me Esad Jakupović ne bi kritikovao, evo i vica: ;))
da ne bi i mene, evo ga i moj: ;)))
Zašto bosanci imaju ravno teme?
kad piju vodu iz WC šolje - poklopi ih daska.
p.s. pa pošto ste svi nešto citirali iz filmova (Aliens, Bladerunner) i ja
ću biti kratak:
~~ There can be only one ~~
english.676ivujanic,
> mali grešiš, Aliens je stvarno strašno dobar film, u svim pogledima. I
> tehnički
Ama ništa bez Odiseje i najboljeg filma: PAKLENE POMORANDčE. Ko
je nije video, nije ni živeo.
To mu dođe kao da od knjiga nije pročitao Vodiča...
Pozdrav, Ivica
P.S: Ima li negde da se kupi Vodič? Odavno se priča o novom
izdanju...
english.677iboris,
Ł Ama ništa bez Odiseje i najboljeg filma: PAKLENE POMORANDčE. Ko
Ł je nije video, nije ni živeo.
Postojala je svojevremeno i grupa PAKLENSKA POMORANžA
english.678iboris,
Ł Postojala je svojevremeno i grupa PAKLENSKA POMORANžA
Ne znaju svi, verovatno - heavy metal grupa !
english.679vasiljevic,
JA bih zeleo da se ispovedim :
Nisam procitao Vodica , a pratim pomalo SF .
Recite mi gde se trenutno prodaje Vodic i kakvo je to novo izdanje koje je neko
pomenuo.Ako neko ima zelju da mi pozajmi knjigu rado bih je prihvatio (mislim
knjigu ;>).
Marko (the lkdhs)
english.680lanik,
Štaaa?????!!?? Nisi pročitao Vodiča!???!???
Djavole! ;)))))) To je neoprostiv greh! Za ovo ćeš goreti u paklu!!! ;))
english.681dejanr,
Chetka, kamo ukrasi?
english.682vkrstonosic,
Pošto su me u konferenciji Forum proglalili za proroka, mogu da
proreknem jednu novu stvar. Uskoro će u konferenciji Vicevi da se pojavi
nekoliko zvezdica uz neke poruke. Za neupućene, uz zvezdice obično ide
poruka "Poništio moderator" ;)
U konferenciji Forum postoji tema literatura, pa bih zamolio
pojedince da diskusiju o SF prebace tamo. Vrlo je neprijatno kada čovek
dodje na Sezam i vidi da ima 3 nova vica, a ono "Mnogo dobra knjiga".
english.683mkiric,
Jedan pravi engleski gentleman reši da se okupa. Legne on, posle dobrog
ručka, u kadu (koju mu je prethodno napunio batler) i počne da se relaksira.
Kad se već sasvim opustio, dođe mu, kao i svakom normalnom čoveku koji se
posle dobrog ručka nađe u toploj vodi, da prdne. Međutim, on je gentleman a
to takvima ne priliči. Premišlja se on tako, i na kraju dođe do zaključka da
to niko neće znati pošto je ionako sam u kupatilu i reši da pusti duši na
volju.
...
Posle par minuta ulazi batler u kupatilo noseći srebrni poslužavnik i
vlašu viskija na njemu.
- George, what does this mean - I didn't order any drink, did I?
- Excuse me, sir, but didn't you shout: BUTTLERRRRRR, BRRRRRRRING_ME
A_BBBBBOTTTTLE_OF BURRRRRRRBONNN! a few minutes ago?
english.684vule,
Evo dva citata na meksičkom :). Molim pričati sa dozom autentičnosti.
"Hey GRRRingo!
I kill foR money, but you aRR my fRRend and I will kill you foR
nawting!"
*** *** ***
One day, when I went to town, I met PedRo PistoleRo. He had a gun,
and I didn't. And he said to me:
- shit and eat it
and what could I do, I did it.
Next day when I went to town, I met PedRo again. This time I had a
gun and he didn't. And I said to him:
- shit and eat it
and what could he do, he did it.
And the tRRRd day when I came to town, I met PedRo again. This time
he had a gun, but I had one as veeel. And he said to me:
- shit and eat it
but I said to him
- shit and eat it.
And vot could we do, we had a lunch togedeRRR.
english.685ndragan,
* mali grešiš, Aliens je stvarno strašno dobar film, u svim pogledima. I
* tehnički i scenario, ama sve. To je jedan od retkih filmova koji je
* prevazišao prvi deo,
ne bih rekao - kompletna završna sekvenca (10 min) je prepisana iz prvog
dela, pa obavezni mudroser iz velike kompanije koji pušta da ljudi ginu zarad
nekog budućeg profita... jedino je pirotehnički i donekle dizajnerski bolje,
ali 90% iznenađenja je potrošeno u prvom delu.
ah da, obavezni sastav: koliko je psihijatara potrebno da se zavrne sijalica?
jedan, ako uspe da ubedi sijalicu da ona od ranog detinjstva ima podsvesnu
želju da bude zavrnuta
this message will self destruct in 10 minutes ... resign this conference to a
safe distance... Booe_ NDragan
english.686max.headroom,
****************************************************\
*********** Transmitted by Max Labs. Inc. **********\\
********************************************\\\\\\\\\\
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Sex and the single amoeba: What every teen should know
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ by Dave Barry
^^^^^^^^^^
Note: This entire article is devoted to sex and is not meant to
be read by children, except of course those children who sincerely
desire to read a lot of really explicit information about sex.
Later in this article I will explain how to drive virtually any
member of the opposite sex insane with sexual desire using only
inexpensive kitchen implements, but first let me address the
question of sex in one-celled animals.
Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals
have orgasms? The answer is yes, the have orgasms almost
constantly, which is why they don't mind living in pools of warm
slime. Remember when you watched amoebas through a microscope in
high school biology?
They would writhe around in a sensuous manner until they realized
they were being observed by high school students; then the male
would clamber off the female and ooze away in embarrassment. Of
course, your teacher claimed that you were actually looking at one
amoeba splitting into two, but only the really stupid kids
swallowed that absurd explanation.
Another commonly asked sex question is: How do insects find
sexual partners? Attractive insects, such as butterflies, have no
problems in this area. Anybody would want to have sex with a
butterfly. But what about aphids? What about roaches, for God's
sake? You'd have to be really drunk to have fact , that is
refrigerator and swill cheap wine until their standards get really
low, then they have drunken, tawdry sex.
The female immediately lays 40 billion eggs which hatch the next
day, but by that time the parents have moved to another area of
the kitchen and changed their names, so the children have nobody
o love and care for them, and they pass the time eating little
olled-up balls of ketchup and floor dirt, and before long they,
oo, turn to liquor, and the cycle of life repeats.
Fish are completely different. Most fish live underwater, which
s a terrible place to have sex because virtually anywhere you lie
own there will be stinging crabs and large quantities of little
ish staring at you with buggy little eyes.
So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around and
round for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
emale gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
umps her eggs right on the sand and swims away.
Then the male, driven by some timeless, noble instinct for
urvival, eats the eggs. So the truth is that fish don't
eproduce at all, but there are so many of them that it doesn't
ake any difference.
The only exception is the shark. Sharks don't care if little fish
atch them have sex, and they are not afraid to lie down on
tinging crabs, because they are very tough. Sharks are as tough
s those football fans who take their shirts off during games in
hicago in January, only more intelligent.
The male shark starts the courting ritual by swimming up to the
emale at speeds approaching 45 miles an hour and ripping out
uge, jagged chunks of her flesh. If the female is aroused, she
esponds by sinking a small fishing vessel, after which they have
loud grunting sex for up to four days, which is why they always
ve those glassy stares. The female shark gives birth after
about 652 days, then nurses her baby for another two weeks, after
hich she kills it.
Birds are a marvelous example of how clever Mother Nature can be
hen she wants to solve a sexual problem. As you know, birds do
not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight.
[In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the Wright Brothers.
They were watching birds one day, trying to figure out how to get
their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on Wilbur.
"Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
organs!" You should have seen their original design.]
As a result, birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually.
You almost never see an aroused bird. So when they want to
reproduce, birds fly up and stand on telephone lines, where they
monitor telephone conversations with their feet. When they find a
conversation in which people are talking dirty, they grip the line
very tightly until they are both highly aroused, at which point
the female gets pregnant.
This is why birds are abundant in areas where you have a lot of
irty telephone conversations, such as Los Angeles, whereas birds
re so scarce in Canada that they must be imported in huge flocks
very year.
What can we learn about human sexuality from these lower forms of
life? Nothing. Most humans belong to the mammal family, and in
mamextremely receptive to males in 1978, especially to this really
disgusting diseased neighborhood dog named Snoopy [of course] that
used t come around whining and sniffing and going to the bathroom
everywhre and generally staying just out of range of the 4,000 or
o rocks I threw at him. Shawna was abslutely nuts about Snoopy.
She would watch him out the wn through rocks
at teenaged males.
But you may rest assured that ifyour teenaged daughter decides to
be receptive, she will not e receptive to the wealthy teenaged
male who comes around in an Izd shirt carrying flowers and candy;
she will be receptive tothe one who has needle marks on his arms
and calluses on his finges from dialing the Venereal Disss:
"The female sexual organs consist of the pupa, the vulva, the
medina, hphen, the sui generis and the tubes; the male organs
consist of he seminole vessel, the vast difference, the pendula
and the contabassoon. During intercourse, the pendula reaches a
state of enorgement and is placed in the vicinity of the medina,
which respods in kind until both organs have secreted a variety
f fluidic substances, at which time withdrawal becomes possib"
After a few minutes of this kind of talk, your kids will give up
on sex and go back to their computers, and you'll be safe for
anotherweek or two.
This leads us to adult sex. f you want to enjoy adult sex, you
should start by reading the lettes to Penthouse magazine because
they will give you many practicalsuggestions for spicing up your
sex life:
"My wife and I weregetting less and less interested in sex, so
one dy we went out anught a portable air compressor and 200
airs of rubber gloves....."
You can also spice up your sex life using the method involving
inexpensive kitchen implements tha I mentioned at the begining
of thi s article. Unfortunately, I've run out of space here, so I can't
go into detail. I'll try to cover it in another artice,
possibly in the food section.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
english.687max.headroom,
CUCUMBERS (MaxProductionInc)
---------
********************************************************************
======= Posle citanja ovog texta, zasigurno cete pozeleti ==========
============ svoj licni 'Cucumber' ;>>>>>>>> Prijatno! =============
********************************************************************
The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.
Cucumbers are always hard.
A cucumber never has performance problems.
It's no problem to pick up a cucumber.
Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
Cucumbers will respect you. The next morning too.
Cucumbers won't ask, "Am I the first".
Cucumbers arn't concerned with your virginity.
Cucumbers won't tell.
Cucumbers don't have hang-ups.
Cucumbers don't kiss & run.
You can enjoy as many cucumbers as you can handle.
You can eat cucumbers whenever YOU feel like it.
Cucumbers won't ask for their rating, on a scale from 1 to 10.
Cucumbers won't make a scene if there are other cucumbers available.
Cucumbers don't mind hiding in your refridgerator when your mother comes over.
Cucumbers don't give hickeys.
No matter what your age is, you can get your own personal cucumber.
Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in a wet spot.
Cucumbers won't leave you wondering for a month.
Cucumbers won't tell you that a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
Cucumbers never forget to flush the toilet.
Cucumbers don't compare you to centerfolds.
Cucumbers don't tell you that you look better with long hair.
A cumumber will never leave you for another woman, another man,
another cucumber.
A cumumber won't tell you that he's outgrown you intellectually.
Cucumbers won't expect you to have little cucumbers.
Cucumbers are easy to discard.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
english.688max.headroom,
===================\\\
Everybody Does It \\\
===================///
SCIENTISTS ..............discovered it.
RESEARCHERS .............are still looking for it.
GEOLOGISTS ..............are great explorers.
CHEMISTS ................like to experiment.
DOCTORS .................do it with patience.
DENTAL HYGENISTS ........do it till it hurts.
VETERINARIANS ...........are pussy lovers.
CHIREPRACTORS ...........do it by manipulation.
DENTISTS ................do it in your mouth.
PROCTOLOGISTS ...........do it in the end.
DIETECIANS ..............eat better.
OCEANOGRAPHERS ..........do it down under.
ARCHEOLOGISTS ...........like it old.
DRUGTISTS ...............fill your prescription.
NURSES ..................call the shots.
WRITERS .................have novel ways.
PROFESSORS ..............do it by the book.
SURGEONS ................are smooth operators.
PARAMEDICS ..............can revive anything.
INVENTORS ...............find a way.
COPS ....................have bigger guns
STUDENTS ................use their heads.
DRUMEERS ................do it in 4/4 time.
JANIMORS ................clean up afterwards.
PRINTERS ................reproduce the fastest.
MILKMEN .................deliver twice a week
SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS .....are oral specialists.
TAILORS .................make it fit.
OPERATORS ...............do it person-to-person.
BANKARS .................do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal!)
REAL ESTATE PEOPLE ......know all the prime spots.
SALE PEOPLE .............have away with their tongues.
ENGINEERS ...............charge by the hour.
POLICEMEN ...............like big busts.
LAWYERS .................do it in their briefs.
INTETIOR DECORATORS .....do it all over the house.
BAKERS ..................knead it daily.
ARCHITECTS ..............have great plans.
BABYSITTERS .............charge by the hour.
BOSSES ..................delegate the task to others.
EXECUTIVES ..............have large staffs.
SECRETARIES .............do it from 9 to 5.
BOOKKEEPERS .............do it with double entry
ACCOUNTANTS .............are good with figures.
CREDIT MANAGERS .........always collect.
TYPISTS .................do it in triplicate.
CONSULTANTS .............tell other how to do it.
ATTONNEYS ...............make better motions.
REPORTERS ...............do it daily.
MILLIONAIRES ............pay to have it done.
AUDICORS ................like to examine figures.
MANAGERS ................supervise others.
COMPUTER OPERATORS ......get the most out of their software.
COCKKAIL WAITRESSES .....serve highballs.
POSTMEN .................come slower.
BUS DRIVERS .............come early and pull out on time.
TAXI DRIVERS ............do it all over town.
AMBULANCE DRIVERS .......come quicker.
GARBAGEMEN ..............come once a week.
JEWELERS ................mount real gems.
INSUAANCE SALESMEN ......are premium lovers.
PILOTS ..................keep it up longer.
STEWARDESSES ............do it in the air.
POLICICIANS .............do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.
NONSMOKERS ..............do it without huffing and puffing.
ADVENTISERS .............use the "new, improved" method.
CLOWNS ..................do it for laughs.
FIREMEN .................are always in heat.
ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS ...do it over and over.
GAS STATION ATTENDANTS ..pump all day.
TELLERS .................can handle all deposits and withdrawals.
LIBRARIANS ..............do it quietly.
SAILORS .................like to be blown.
ARTISTS .................are exhibitionists.
LOCKSMITHS ..............can get into anything.
CHESSPLAYERS ............check their mates.
MUSICIANS ...............do it with rythm.
VIOLINISTS ..............duet better.
DANCERS .................do it in leaps and bounds.
PHOTOGRAPHERS ...........do it with a flash.
HAIRDRESSERS ............give the best blow jobs.
BARTENDERS ..............do it on the rocks.
TAXIDERMISTS ............mount anything.
MINISTERS ...............do it on Sundays.
RETAILERS............. ..move their merchandise.
BARBERS .................do it with shear pleasure.
WAITRESSES ..............serve it piping hot.
FURRIERS ................appreciate good beaver.
DETECTIVES ..............do it under cover.
BAILIFFS ................always come to order.
RADIO ...................and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.
BRICKLAYERS .............lay all day.
MOVIE STARS .............do it on film
MODELS ..................do it in any position.
CRANE OPERATORS .........have swinging balls.
FARMERS .................spread it around.
BEEKEEPERS ..............like to eat their honey.
GARDENERS ...............have 50 foot hoses.
TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES .let their fingers do the walking.
MAGICIANS ...............are quicker than the eye.
COWBOYS .................handle anything horny.
COWGIRLS ................like to ride bareback.
TRUCKERSS ...............carry bigger loads.
MISSILEMEN ..............have better thrust.
DRYWALLERS ..............are better bangers.
HANDYMEN ................like good screws.
BAND MEMBERS ............play all night.
REPAIRMEN ...............can fix anything.
SPORTSCASTERS ...........like an instant replay.
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS ....lay a better foundation.
ROOFERS .................do it on top.
MINERS ..................sink deeper shafts.
CARPET LAYERS ...........do it on the floor.
PAINTERS ................do it with longer strokes.
PLUMBERS ............... do it under the sink.
CARPENTERS ..............hammer it harder.
ELEC RICIANS ............check your shorts.
MACHINESTS ..............make the best screws.
LANDSCAPERS .............plant it deeper.
RECYCLERS ...............use it again.
BEER BREWERS ............do it with more hops.
DIRECT MAILERS ..........get it in the sack.
TRUCK DRIVERS ...........have bigger dipsticks.
ACTORS ..................do it on cue.
CHEERLEADERS ............do it with more ent ................have better meat.
ELDERS .................have hotter rods.
RACQUETBALL YERS .....do it off the wall.
GOLFERS .................do it in 18 holes.
BOWLERS .................have bigger bals.
FOOTBALL PLAYERS ........are measured bythe yard.
WRESTLERS ...............know the best olds.
RACERS ..................like to come in frst.
GYMNISTS ................mount and dsmount well.
COACHES .................whistle hile they work.
SOCCER PLAYERS ..........have leater balls.
JOGGERS .................do it on th run.
TENNIS PLAYERS ..........have fuzlls.
SKYDIVERS ...............are good till the last drop.
BEER DRINKERS ...........get more head.
BASEBALL PLAYERS ........make it to firt base.
WATER SKIERS ............come down harder.
DIVERS .................do it deeper.
BASKETBALL PLAERS ......score more often.
VOLLEYBALLPLAYERS ......keep it up.
C'Bers ..................do it o the air.
LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS ...last longer
FISHERMEN ...............are proud of heir rods.
HUNTERS .................do it wth a bang.
MPERS .................do it in a tent.
FOUR-WHEELERS ...........eat more buh.
BRIDGE PLAYERS ..........try to get a ruber.
DEER HUNTERS ............will do anythig for a buck.
HORSEBACK RIDERS ........stay in the saddle longer.
BICYCLSTS ..............do it with 10 speeds.
RUNNERS ................get into more pants.
HAM OPERATORS ...........do it wth frequency.
COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS ...justcan't stop.
MOTORCYCLISTS ...........like somthing hot between their legs.
SPELUNKE ..............do it underground.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
english.689vkrstonosic,
>> this message will self destruct in 10 minutes ... resign this conference
>> to a safe distance... Booe_ NDragan
Bio si blizu istine, malo je nedostajalo da ostaneš bez poruke, ali mojom
krivicom ;)
Mene neko ovde malo zaje*ava, vidim ja. Opalili diskusiju u mojoj
konferenciji, a na kašičicu mi daju po neki vic. Dosta diskusije !!!
english.690dejanr,
Three guys were drowning, Walesman, Scotsman and Irishman.
Along came an Englishman in a boat and guys started pleading him
to pull them out of water.
"OK," said the Englishman,"but first each of you must answer a
question!"
All of them agreed, of course.
First it was Walesmans' turn.
"What was the greatest disaster of all times at sea?"
-"Titanic!"
"Right," said the Englishman and pulled him out.
Scotsman followed.
"How many casualties were then?"
-"1536."
"Right." And Scotsman was saved.
And now Englishman looked at the Irish guy who was barely alive,
waited for a minute and asked: "Name 'em!"
english.691madamov,
Da li ste znali da su kod Amera Teksašani ono što su kod nas Bosanci, Mujo,
Haso ... ?
english.692djelovic,
The only problem with safe sex is that you have to stop to turn
the page.
english.693dejanr,
Yugoslavia has recently broken down over unresolvable differences between it's
different ethnics groups. What if this split was to continue to a ridiculous
level: This work is original and topical.
History of the Jolnopski family house
1990: Part of Yugoslavia, but not too pleased about it.
1991: Part of the new nation of Croatia and fairly rapt in it.
1992: Croatia begins to break down, mainly caused by the controversial 2-0
defeat of Croatia North by Croatia South.
1993: The famous Skiski valley area cecedes from Croatia North, citing
deliberate gardening by the treacherous mountain folk, whose deliberate and
premeditated digging cut off the MTV cable.
1994: Trotsky Street district splits from the rest of the valley over the
great Lamington Drive fraud. Mrs Jolnopski swears she saw the Lompocski twins
dipping their sticky fingers in the till, and has the stained currency to
prove it.
1995: Number 24 (The Jolnopski household) leaves the Trotsky Street Republic,
blaming it on the infamous Pissing In The Plug Socket incident, which resulted
in a power surge that blacked out the whole valley for two days, two cats
losing their tails, four black eyes, three broken noses and seventy two
pregnancies.
1996: The Jolnopski Independent Federation undergoes massive changes as Mrs
Jolnopski tries to enter Janov's bedroom without a visa. All hell breaks
loose when Stanislaw tries to import wild mushrooms into the kitchen without a
customs clearance. Violence breaks out when little Eva doesn't pay duties on
the use of her sister's Bon Jovi tapes. The dog cecedes and annexes the
backyard.
If you've enjoyed reading this (or my previous 'Long Airline Flight' posting)
and you'd like to read more, I write a weekly serial called Rocket Roger.
Drop a line and I'll subscribe you, or check out the merchandise on rec.humor.
The Mad Scribe
english.694dejanr,
Sam and Susan were invited to a costume party. Susan went out and rented
costumes for the both of them. However, when the time came for the party,
Susan wasn't feeling well and Sam went on alone.
A few hours later, Susan began to feel better and decided to go on to the
party. She realized that while she knew Sam was in a gorilla suit, he had
never seen her costume, and decided to go and see what he got up to while
he was alone.
She arrived and observed him dancing closely with a series of beautiful
women. She approached him and began flirting, and soon they were taking
a walk in the woods alone. They then undressed in the darkness and had
sex.
She got home before her husband and when he arrived, she was in bed. She
asked him, "How was the party?". He replied "Oh, the usual - you know I
never have much fun at these things alone." "Didn't you even dance?", she
asked. "No, I sat in the den all night playing cards. The guy I loaned my
costume to had a ball, though..."
english.695dejanr,
Subject: Separated at Birth?
From: price@uclapp.physics.ucla.edu (The Quantum Mechanic)
News analysts on CNN claim that the Acting Soviet President, Gennadi
Yanaev, was originally selected by Gorbachev because he was "pliable,"
and "weak-willed."
Aren't these the same qualities that led George Bush to select Dan
Quayle...?
[Brad: this is original]
John Price * * * * price@uclapp.physics.ucla.edu
Where there is no solution, there is no problem.
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Bush's lesson from Soviet coup
From: jhelbaum@princeton.edu
(This is original)
Mikhail Gorbachev was on vacation at his summer home in the Crimea when
his close advisors placed him under house arrest and staged a coup.
Upon hearing the news at his summer home in Kennebunkport, President Bush
rushed back to Washington, cutting his vacation short.
Looks like Bush learned at least one lesson from recent events.
==> Jason Elbaum jhelbaum@phoenix.princeton.edu
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Yeltsin
From: mark@motown.altair.fr
Don't know if this got any coverage in the States, but the Paris
newspaper _Liberation_ today quoted Boris Yeltsin as commenting:
"You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on
it for very long."
--
Mark James <mark@bdblues.altair.fr> or <mark@nuri.inria.fr>
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Behind the coup...
From: carlo@nu.uchicago.edu (Carlo Graziani)
The new Kremlin leadership announced today that they have hired Al Haig as
a consultant in constitutional law...
= = = = = = = =
Subject: new truth
From: evan@apollo.com (Evan Morton)
(original)
What's black and white and red all
over again?
Pravda.
-------
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Topical LBJs (original)
From: slocum@orion.ssdc.honeywell.com (Brett Slocum)
Q: How many Soviet hardliners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five; one to screw in the light bulb and four to drive the tank.
Q: How many Soviet citizens does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two; one to screw in the light bulb and one to make the old one into
a Molotov Cocktail.
= = = = = = = =
Subject: The real reason the coup failed
From: bill@bessel.as.utexas.edu
The following was posted to talk.politics.soviet by
Jim Meritt: The real reason the coup in the Soviet Union
failed is....
As soon as the PLO spoke out in favor of the coup, the committee of 8
was doomed. The PLO seems to go out of its way to pick losers.
Bill Jefferys
= = = = = = = =
Subject: GORBY'S NOTE
From: carasso@inference.com (Roger x179 Carasso)
Dear Principal, Aug 21, 1991
Please excuse lil Gorby. He had a cold for the last few days and
was not feeling well. Borris has been collect Gorby's homework for
him, and he has made it all up.
Thank you,
Mrs. Gorbachev
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Gorbachev's illness
From: lucier@newton.math.purdue.edu (Bradley Lucier)
Did you know that Gorbachev really was sick?
He had a bad case of the 24 hour coup.
My wife shares the blame for this joke.
= = = = = = = =
Subject: A bunch of coup coups
From: RICH@suhep.phy.syr.edu (Richard S. Holmes)
The overthrow of Gorbachev was so badly botched, I'm starting to wonder if it
was thought up by the Coup Klutz Klan.
= = = = = = = =
Subject: It takes a Prime Minister to figure it out?
From: KQUINN@vm.uoguelph.ca (Kenneth W. Quinn)
Here's a quote from Canadian Prime Minister Brian Mulroney, commenting on the
events unfolding in the Soviet Union:
'It's a terrible, terrible day for democracy...'
--- as seen by me on the 91-08-19 Global Television Network Evening
News
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Gorbachev's ouster
From: tyg@zip.eecs.umich.edu (Tom Galloway)
From the CIMX morning radio show:
(in a thick Russian accent) "Help, I've fallen from power and I
can't get up!"
"OK, Mr. Gorbachev, we've called your immediate family and the
major Western heads of state and help is on the way."
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Political Upheaval
From: ryan@server.cs.jhu.edu
And in our other news today, Dan Quayle <with the support of Marilyn and
the national guard> has launched a coup against the Vice-Presidency! In
a press release, he stated, "I wanted to prove for once and for all that
I am my own man, which includes writing my own press releases."
-- Ryan S. Borgstrom
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Coup timing
From: hplabs!hp-sdd.sdd.hp.com!megatek!rgs@decwrl.UUCP (Rusty Sanders)
I've been puzzeling over the timing of the coup in the Soviet Union, and I
think I've figured out why the coup happened when it did.
August is sweeps month for CNN.
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Gorby's Yellow Ribbon
From: gornish@csrd.uiuc.edu (Edward H. Gornish)
(Sung to the obvious tune.)
I'm coming home I've done my time.
And I've got to know what's Yeltsin's and what is mine.
Now if you've received the message telling you I'd soon be free,
Then you'll know just what to do if you still want me.
If you still want me.
Oh tie a yellow ribbon around the Kremlin tower.
It's been three long days that I've been out of power.
If I don't see a ribbon around that old Kremlin tower,
I'll stay in Crimea,
Ain't never gonna see ya',
Cause Yeltsin's the man of the hour.
If I don't see a yellow ribbon around that old Kremlin tower.
Aeroflot pilot please look for me,
Cause I couldn't dare to see what I might see.Now I'm really still in trouble,
and it's like there's still a coup,
A simple yellow ribbon will cure me from the flu.
Cure me from the flu.
(CORUS)
Eddie Gornish
University of Illinois - Center for Supercomputing research & Development
ARPANET: gornish@csrd.uiuc.edu
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Gorbachev's memoirs
From: garym@telesoft.UUCP (Gary Morris @telesoft.com)
[original]
My wife is anxious to read Gorbachev's memoirs. She thinks he
should call them "How I Spent My Summer Vacation."
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Tomorrow's news?
From: dan@codex.com (Dan Breslau)
<As I write this, the news out of Moscow is extermemly encouraging;
there are unconfirmed reports that the remaining leaders of the coup have
been arrested. However, the idea for this came to me based on yesterday
evening's news...>
WASHINGTON, August 23, 1991 -- President Bush announced today that the
United States, the EEC, and China had all agreed to a complete medical
quarantine of the USSR. Speaking for the leaders of the world's major
powers, Bush said that the plague which seems to be attacking the USSR's
leaders was dangerous enough to warrant immediate action. "We don't
know yet if this plague is truly, um, really contagious. May be simply
a coincidence. But it's kind of, err, strange that first President
Gorbachev was stricken, and then some of the people who had him arrested,
that is, received his resignation, came down with the same problem."
The disease with which President Gorbachev has been afflicted first
appeared Sunday night when he developed high blood pressure and back
pain, symptoms not normally associated with reluctance to govern a
major superpower. Some specialists have suggested that the sudden
desire to resign may itself be a symptom of the disease. This
speculation is fueled by the fact that of the eight leaders who
took Gorbachev's place, three have already shown the same symptoms
and left office.
President Bush said that this last symptom is what troubled the allies
enough to institute the quarantine. "We can't have a situation, you
know, where suddenly everyone who runs a country is stepping down. That
could lead to major instability, real trouble in running the world's
nations."
Bush left the press conference to attend a hastily-scheduled appointment
with his opthemologist. "It's a minor problem. Just need to get it
checked out. Some problems with the vision thing."
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Gorby's "Vacation"
From: kraig@cc.gatech.edu (Kraig M. Hanson)
Regarding Gorby's recent vacation, the following
billboard in Michigan was shown on HNN:
WELCOME HOME
GORBY!
---------------------------
Next Time Vacation Michigan
--
Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
english.696dejanr,
A young girl asked her mother "Mommy, do you get into heaven feet first?"
"I don't know, why do you ask?"
"Because the maid's upstairs with her feet in the air, shouting `God, I'm
coming, God, I'm coming,' but dad's on top and won't let her go."
english.697dejanr,
Saddam Hussein, curious to see how his newly implemented decree allowing Iraqis
to travel abroad for the first time in years heads down to the passport office.
Once there he joins the line. One after another the passport seekers ahead of
him insist that President Saddam take their place. Very quickly he has moved to
the head of the line and he is dealing with the clerk. The clerk issues
President Saddam his passport with lightning speed. The president thanks the
clerk, then turns around to discover that all those in line behind him have
vanished without a trace. Saddam turns back to the clerk and asks what has
happened. "Simple", says the clerk, "if you leave Iraq, no else has to."
english.698dejanr,
*** Looking for a boy-friend ***
Following are some of the requirements.
* Make and Model : Human/Male
* Year : 1950 - 1958
* Mileage : Low mileage
* Engine : Eight Cylinder (V-1 position)
EFI**
Manual overdrive
Cam shaft in excellent condition
Well lubed
Triple exhaust (all three functional)
Very low noise
Quick acceleration (Zero to Sixty Nine in <8 sec.)
A lot of horse power (must feel it)
Repeating pistons
Built in fuel injection
No exhaust fumes or smoke
* Transmission : Manual
* Stick Shift : 5 on the floor;
Fun in 1st, sensual in 2nd, titillating in 3rd,
fabulous in 4th, and fucking good in 5th.
Revs in reverse and performs in Park
Over-drive required
Ease of use of the stick shift is a plus
* Shocks : Smooth ride and heavy duty suspension
* Brakes : Front - Disk, Rear - Cylinder
(no leaks in the system and enough fluids)
* Steering : Power steering
Easy to handle
Endurance tested
Cruise control
* Radiator : No boiling
Quick warm up and cool down and good for long trips
* Body : Extremely hard glossy finish
Well constructed
Power locks
Long body
Good breather
Safety inspected
No Dents/Excellent Condition (well kept)
Colour - any
Detailing - as needed but not over-done
Blinking lights - any colour
Weight - 140 - 210 lbs
Pleasant Grill
Easily Convertible - Removable cover at will
Comfortable Driver Seat
Front and Back Double Soft-Cushion(tm) suspension
!Đ Slim but adequate tires
Absolutely no rust (must be checked/certified by me)
Clean engine (should be able to eat it)
* Driving : Has a good hard drive
Evokes a great deal of pleasure
* Cost : Less than the Bill of rights
** EFI =Easy Front Interface
english.699dejanr,
*** Looking for a girl-friend ***
Following are some of the requirements.
* Make and Model : Human/Woman
* Year : 1966 - 1972
* Mileage : Low (prefer ~0)
* Engine : Three Cylinder (V-1 position)
EFI**
Multi-port Injection
Single fuel intake/double exhaust (all three usable)
Very low noise
Quick acceleration (Zero to Sixty Nine in <8 sec.)
A lot of horse power (must feel it)
No exhaust fumes or smoke
* Transmission : Manual
Over-drive required
Ease of use of the stick shift is a plus
* Clutch : Good condition, should be able to handle hard
driving in the city.
* Breaks : Front - Disk, Rear - Cylinder (no leaks in the
system and enough fluids)
* Radiator : No boiling
Quick warm up and cool down
* Body : No Dents/Excellent Condition (well kept)
Color - any (original hood color)
Detailing - as needed but not over-done
Blinking lights-any color (prefer blue)
Weight - Less than 115 lb
Pleasant Grill
Easily Convertible (Remover cover at will)
Comfortable Driver Seat
Front and Back Double Soft-Cushion(tm) suspension
Slim but adequate tires
Absolutely no rust (must be checked and certified)
Clean inside (should be able to eat off it)
* Cost : Less than the Bill of rights
** EFI = Easy Front Interface
english.700dejanr,
A family from Maine was visiting relatives in Georgia one summer. The little
boy from Maine was playing with his little girl cousin. Since it was so hot,
they stripped and waded in the creek for a while. As they were sunning
themselves afterward, the little girl drawled, "ya know, ah never knew there
was so much difference between a Yankee and a Southerner."
english.701dejanr,
Saddam Hussien calls up George Bush.
"Mr. President," he says, "I must discuss peace with you."
"To what do I owe this sudden change of heart?" asks Bush.
"You see," explains Hussein, "Last night I had a dream. And in this dream
I was in your capitol, and I looked up upon the tallest building, and I
saw a flag which read "Allah is Great", and I knew that Allah wanted me to
make peace."
"Well, that's just great," said Bush, "You know, I had a dream last night
as well. I dreamt that I was in YOUR capitol, and I too saw such a flag."
"Really?!" said Hussein, very surprised, "And what did this flag say?"
"I couldn't tell you," replied Bush, "I can't read hebrew."
english.702dejanr,
REASONS WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
(please note, I have eliminated the obvious copies like, "you can have a
guitar all month long", and "a guitar doesn't care how many guitars you own")
1. A guitar has a volume knob
2. If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $0.79 for a new one
3. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to
4. You can unplug a guitar
5. You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more
6. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset
7. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested
8. You can have a guitar any color you want and noone will care
9. If your guitar gets loose, you can just tighten up the strings
10. If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can change pickups
11. You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar
12. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set
13. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking
14. If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional, not required
15. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free
Now, for the opposite:
REASONS WHY WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN GUITARS
1. Women are more fun when the power goes out
2. You can't get your guitar wet
3. Ever try to screw a guitar?
4. The input to a guitar is only 1/4" (ouch!)
5. A guitar won't beg to be played
6. It's no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it
7. When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but not your tongue
8. Guitars aren't very aggressive
9. A guitar won't play you back
10. You need two hands to make a guitar scream
11. A guitar won't scratch *your* back
12. A guitar won't drive you home if you're too drunk
13. A guitar doesn't care who plays it
14. You can't play two guitars at once
15. You can't fall in love with a guitar (awwwwwww, gee, how sweet ;-)
(well, maybe you can, but they can't love you back)
english.703darone,
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightpulp?
You can unscrew the lightpulp.
english.704ivujanic,
> What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightpulp?
>
> You can unscrew the lightpulp.
:)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Ivica
english.705ndragan,
(happened 1977, playboy - po sećanju)
a student in california grows a french style beard, and makes a photo of his
new face to send it to his parents somewhere in nebraska. in the letter, he
says: "don't I look like a count?"
parents reply: "your studies cost us so much, and you can't even spell
properly!"
english.706ndragan,
* Da li ste znali da su kod Amera Teksašani ono što su kod nas Bosanci,
* Mujo, Haso ... ?
normalno; svako ima svoje. nemci imaju istočnu friziju, sećam se čak nekih
desetak komata, ali sam odavno dao RESIGN BLJAK... recimo samo ovaj:
zašto istočni frizijci ne putuju u inostranstvo svojim kolima? zbog zelene
karte; oni jedu sve što se zeleni
ostatak evrope, koliko se sećam ;), zajebav* belgijance, napr: kakva je
razlika između belgijanca i lonca govana? razlika je sam lonac.
niko, niko, kao mi, a? mislim, al im je nivo...
Bue_ NDragan
english.707isekulovic,
>> * Da li ste znali da su kod Amera Teksasani ono sto su kod nas Bosanci,
>> * Mujo, Haso ... ?
Ja sam mislio da su Poljaci.Cak sam cuo mnogo viceva
na engleskom sa Poljacima koji se kod nas pricaju sa Mujom i Hasom.
ivan
english.708ndragan,
a chinaman got rich in australia, and decided to go over the ocean to visit
his poor cousins. he took a first class ticket on the big cross - pacific
ship. one morning during the trip, he took a comfortable seat on the upper
deck to catch some sun. a steward saw him:
you for coffee?
YOU fock offi, I'm a filst class passengel!
Bue_ NDragan
english.709ndragan,
ajde ko ume da prevede sledeću rečenicu na dva načina:
THE MORE YOU DRINK, THE W.C.
Bue_ NDragan
english.710ndragan,
*> You can unscrew the lightpulp.
wasn't it a lightBULB?
english.711ivujanic,
Mojne mene, to posla darone, i meni je bilo čudno...
Ivica
english.712darone,
>> *> You can unscrew the lightpulp.
>>
>> wasn't it a lightBULB?
Prvo da kažem: nisam ja kriv. Dakle, jedan moj ortak (juzernejm je
kolja, samo još nije platio - a možda i jeste, nismo se čuli) je jedno
veče ostavio tu poruku, a ja sam kucao. I pitam ja:
-Jel lajtpulp ili lajtbulb?
(sada kolja)
-Lajtpulp, lajtbulb... Ma ne znam, piši lajtpulp, shvatiće onaj
ko bude čitao....Ionako mora da se zna engleski...
I ja fino napišem pulp. I sada dobijem kritiku ;(
al se ne ljutim :)
darone
english.713ndragan,
a reporter asked a chinaman: "when do you have elections?"
"Evely molning"
english.714ndragan,
* Mojne mene, to posla darone, i meni je bilo čudno...
znam, ti si samo citirao, al bre mrzelo me da citiram pa brišem celu
stranu praznih linija... kad si ti to već uradio
Bue_ NDragan
english.715dejanr,
A pool salesman, Hal, had to travel cross country for a meeting with one of
his suppliers. This entailed leaving his wife, Vanessa, alone for about four
days. This worried Hal, since he had caught Vanessa eyeing men on and
off for the last couple of months. He decided to go down to the mall.
They had this neat little sex shop there were he could buy her some sort
of playtoy, in hopes of diverting her sexual energy.
The next day he went there on his lunchbreak. He opens the door and is
met immediately by a little chinese man "Hewwo, how may I hep you?".
"I'm going out of town next week, and I don't trust my wife by herself.
What can you give me to occupy her while I am gone, so she doesn't find
another man?"
The little man thinks a second, and then his face lights up,"Oh! I
have perfect cure for woman who be horny!" He goes back through a beaded
curtain, and returns a minute later with a dusty, gray shoe-like box,
grinning from ear to ear. "This exactly what you need."
Hal looks at the box, so far unimpressed. The little man opens the box
and moves over a bit into the light. Hal peers inside, and sees what looks
like an ordinary dildo. "What's so special about that, I can get that
anywhere" Hal says.
The little mans grin gets even bigger "No No silly American, this
Voodoo dick"
"Voodoo dick. What the hell is Voodoo dick?" Says Hal
"You watch closely." replies the little man, and then exclaims "Voodoo
dick, the door!"
And to Hal's amazement, the dildo slowly levitates out of the box, and
heads for the door. When it gets to the door, it lunges back and forth
and back and forth at it, reducing it to splinters until nothing is left
of it. It then returns to the box and floats gently inside.
After witnessing this, Hal, in total amazement, says "I must have it!
It's perfect! How much is it?"
"Two thousand dollar" says the little man.
"Two thousand! That's highway robbery!" says Hal.
"OK Mr., if you no want..."
"No No, OK, I'll take it" concedes Hal.
"Good" says the little man "Will that be cash or Visa?"
"Sheesh....." says Hal.
Hal gets home that evening, and his wife meets him at the door. "What's
in the box?" asks Vanessa. "Oh nothing" says Hal.
"Please tell me. Please please please...."
"OK, it's for you, a special present." Hal says, and opens the box.
Vanessa glances inside and sees the dildo. "Hal! I already have....oops,
I mean, gee what is it?"
"It's a Voodoo dick! When I'm gone, and you get real horny, just open
this box, and say 'Voodoo dick - my pussy.' and you'll be completely
satisfied" Hal says.
"Hmmm....what will happen?" asks Vanessa
"You'll see....you'll see...."
Two days later, Hal's on his trip. Vanessa is getting real horny. She
thinks, "Gee, that man that cleans pools for Hal might be interested...nah
I'll try out this Voodoo dick thingamabob." She goes and gets the box,
opens it up, and peers inside. She sets the box down, and gets undressed
and sits back on the bed. She reaches part way into the box, and thinks for
a moment, and draws her hand back out. "Voodoo dick! My pussy!" she says.
Voodoo dick floats out of the box, and heads right for her crotch. It
gets to her, and enters her, lunging back and forth. She lays back on the
bed, thinking that this is the most incredible thing she has ever seen, or
*felt*. She has one orgasm, two, three, and it's still going. How does she
get it to stop? Four...five...Oh gees, shes thinks, I have to get this
thing to stop.
She gets up, starts for the phone, then thinks. "Nah, I'll have to drive
to the hospital, they'll know how to stop it."
She puts a dress on, gets the keys to her car, and heads out, all the while
Voodoo dick is still going at her. She's in the car driving down the road,
having her sixth, no seventh orgasm, trying to concentrate on the road.
She looks in her mirror and sees flashing red and blue. "Oh shit. A damn
cop" She pulls over slowly.
The cop walks up to the car "Good evening, may I see your liscence, proof
of insurance, and registration please?"
"S-s-sure officer....it's r-r-r-right h-h-here" She hands it to him.
"Have you been drinking tonight lady?"
"N-n-n-no I haven't O-o-o-oficer. I have to get t-t-to the h-h-hospital."
"Are you sick? What's the problem?" the cop says.
"I have a Voodoo dick in my pussy that won't come out."
"A WHAT?" the cop asks again.
"A Voodoo dick.....p-p-p-please..."
The cop thinks about it for a second. Now he's seen it all, he thinks.
He looks at her, and says "VOODOO DICK MY ASS!"
english.716dejanr,
I believe I read this one in a new book by Larry King, _Tell Me
More_. I think it came from a fairly old comedian.
A man walks along, and sees an old man sitting on a park bench.
The old man is perhaps eighty, and is crying his eyes out.
The first man approaches the elderly one and asks "What's wrong?"
The elderly fellow replies. "I just married a twenty-year old
girl, and..."
The first man prods him: "And? Do you have troubles with..."
"Oh, no, no. I have incredible stamina for a man my age, and we
make love twenty-three times a day."
The first man, obviously surprised, asks "So what's wrong?"
"I forgot where I live!" bawls the old man.
english.717dejanr,
Running Bear finally woke up one morning to discover that he was
a man. As such, he deduced, he would require a woman. So he
trekked on over to the Medicine Man's teepee to requisition a
woman.
"What you want, Running Bear?" queried the Medicine Man.
"Running Bear want woman!"
"Hmmm," said the Medicine Man, "do you know what to do with
a woman once you've got her?"
"Uh," said Running Bear, "no..."
"Then go into the woods for two months. Find a tree with a hole
in it, and practice on the tree. Once you have perfected your
technique with the tree, come back to me and I will give you
a woman."
Running Bear agreed, and set off into the woods. Sure enough,
he found a tree with the appropriately sized hole, and began
his two months of practice. Two months later, he returned
to the Medicine Man with pride n his eyes.
"Okay," he said to the Medicine Man, "me know what to do. Give
me woman."
The Medicine Man nodded and brought a pretty young squaw from the
back of the teepee. "Little Flower," he said to her, "you now
belong to Running Bear. Do as he asks."
Runnin Bear and Little Flower then retire to a vacant teepee where
Running Bear instructs her to bend over. She shrugs and complies.
Running Bear then gives her a swift kick in the ass.
"Hey!" cried Little Flower. "What did you do that for?"
"Me no stupid," explained Running Bear, "Me check for bees first."
english.718dejanr,
Shamelessly swiped from The Sunday Comics:
What is the difference between men and women:
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need
english.719dejanr,
Q: Why do tech supporters make such great lovers?
A: Because they know when not to answer the phone!!
english.720dejanr,
THE WOMAN IS LIKE THE WORLD ...
... AT 20 SHE'S LIKE AFRICA, ALL WARM AND MYSTERIOUS
... AT 30 SHE'S LIKE AMERICA, TECHNICALLY PERFECT
... AT 40 SHE'S LIKE EUROPE, ALL IN RUIN
... AT 50 SHE'S LIKE SIBERIA, EVERYBODY KNOWS WHERE IT IS
BUT NOBODY WANTS TO GO
english.721dejanr,
Saddam Hussein, curious to see how his newly implemented decree allowing Iraqis
to travel abroad for the first time in years heads down to the passport office.
Once there he joins the line. One after another the passport seekers ahead of
him insist that President Saddam take their place. Very quickly he has moved to
the head of the line and he is dealing with the clerk. The clerk issues
President Saddam his passport with lightning speed. The president thanks the
clerk, then turns around to discover that all those in line behind him have
vanished without a trace. Saddam turns back to the clerk and asks what has
happened. "Simple", says the clerk, "if you leave Iraq, no else has to."
english.722dejanr,
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson
about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a
glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a
worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy
as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and
quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor
asked.
Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely,
responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
english.723dejanr,
"Why does NASA want to go to Mars? There's no water there, there's no
plant life, and there's no atmosphere. Why don't they just go to LA?"
english.724dejanr,
THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
1) Where's the bathroom?
2) What time does the parade start?
3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
english.725dejanr,
32 Reasons why Cookie Dough is better than men.
1. It's enjoyable hard or soft.
2. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.
3. It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it.
4. You always want to swallow.
5. It won't complain if you share it with friends.
6. It's "quick and convenient".
7. You can enjoy it more than once.
8. It comes already protectively wrapped.
9. You can make it as large as you want.
10. If you don't finish it you can save it for later.
11. It's easier to get the kind you want.
12. You can comparison shop.
13. It's easier to find in a grocery store.
14. You can put it away when you've had enough.
15. You know yours has never been eaten before.
16. It won't complain if you chew on it.
17. It comes chocolate flavored.
18. You always know when to get rid of it.
19. You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed.
20. It's always ready to go.
21. You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.
22. You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
23. It won't wake you up because it's hard.
24. You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.
25. You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like
you're bragging.
26. It won't take up room in your bed.
27. It's easy to pick up.
28. You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around.
29. You know what the extra weight is from.
30. It won't get jealous if you pick up another one.
31. It never has an insecurity problem with its size.
32. It is very pliable.
english.726dejanr,
Why don't men trust women?
Would _you_ trust anything that bled for three days and didn't die?
english.727ndragan,
* THE MORE YOU DRINK, THE W.C.
dakle predajete se:
1. the more you drink, the more you piss
2. the more you drink, the double you see
english.728dejanr,
How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore...
english.729dejanr,
Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon, to school, as a present
for his teacher. He handed it to her. She started to guess what was inside.
"Chocolates?" she asked.
"Nope."
"A Cake?" Johnny shookk his head No. Then the teacher noticed some liquid
dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put
the finger in her mouth, then said, "Ah, I know-dill pickles."
"No," Johnny said, "it's a puppy."
english.730dejanr,
I just figured it out, Saddam wasn't wrong when he said he was
going to inflict unacceptable casualties on the Coalition:
...He's going to keep them there until they die of old age
english.731dejanr,
The Iraqi army was the fourth best army in the world. It came after
America, the USSR, and the LAPD.
english.732dejanr,
The U.S. Supreme Court appears to have upheld the practice of
administrators forbidding doctors from counseling abortion, forcing
the doctors to follow a "script". Following Supreme Court
precedent, we imagine the script might look something like
this:
" You have the right to remain pregnant.
Anything I say may be used against me in a court of law.
You have the right to be presented with offspring.
If you do not desire a baby and cannot afford one,
a baby will be mandated for you by the Court."
english.733dejanr,
Rumors of disharmony between IBM and Microsoft have been appearing in
business sections and trade journals for months. Despite evidence to
the contrary, however, IBM and Microsoft have been claiming that their
relationship is just fine.
Of course, Microsoft employees have been wondering about the real
story. At the Microsoft systems meeting last summer, during the
question-and-answer period, an employee asked senior vice president
Steve Ballmer about the news reports of a possible divorce between IBM
and Microsoft. Steve's answer:
"No, we are not having serious problems with IBM. Our relationship is
like two bears making love in the woods. We're going to move the
world together. If the press is hearing rumbling, it's only because
we're changing positions."
english.734dejanr,
Q: Why isn't Bush worried about Quayle as President?
A: Because he knows it won't happen in HIS lifetime.
english.735dejanr,
Smilie Dictionary
-----------------
:-) Your basic smilie. This smilie is used to inflect a sarcastic or
joking statement since we can't hear voice inflection over Unix.
;-) Winky smilie. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark.
More of a "don't hit me for what I just said" smilie.
:-( Frowning smilie. User did not like that last statement or is upset
or depressed about something.
:-I Indifferent smilie. Better than a Frowning smilie but not quite as
good as a happy smilie
:-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than a :-).
>:-> User just made a really devilish remark.
>;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made.
Those are the basic ones...Here are some somewhat less common ones:
(-: User is left handed
%-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours straight
:*) User is drunk
[:] User is a robot
8-) User is wearing sunglasses
B:-) Sunglasses on head
::-) User wears normal glasses
B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses
8:-) User is a little girl
:-)-8 User is a Big girl
:-{) User has a mustache
:-{} User wears lipstick
{:-) User wears a toupee
}:-( Toupee in an updraft
:-[ User is a Vampire
:-E Bucktoothed vampire
:-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing
:-7 User just made a wry statement
:-* User just ate something sour
:-)~ User drools
:-~) User has a cold
:'-( User is crying
:'-) User is so happy, s/he is crying
:-# User is screaming
:-# User wears braces
:^) User has a broken nose
:v) User has a broken nose, but it's the other way
:<) User is from an Ivy League School
:-& User is tongue tied.
=:-) User is a hosehead
- -:-) User is a punk rocker
- -:-( (real punk rockers don't smile)
:=) User has two noses
+-:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office
`:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning
,:-) Same thing...other side
!-I User is asleep
!-O User is yawning/snoring
:-Q User is a smoker
:-? User smokes a pipe
O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (or else, user is a scuba diver)
O :-) User is an angel (at heart, at least)
:-P Nyahhhh!
:-S User just made an incoherent statement
:-D User is laughing (at you!)
:-X User's lips are sealed
:-C User is reaally bummed
<!-) User is Chinese
<!-( User is Chinese and doesn't like these kind of jokes
:-/ User is skeptical
C=:-) User is a chef
#= User is pro-nuclear war
:-o Uh oh!
(8-o It's Mr. Bill!
*:o) And Bozo the Clown!
3:] Pet smilie
3:[ Mean Pet smilie
E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator
:-9 User is licking his/her lips %-6 User is braindead
[:-) User is wearing a walkman
(:I User is an egghead
<:-I User is a dunce
#:-) User is wearing a turban
:-0 No Yelling! (Quiet Lab)
:-: Mutant Smilie
.-) User only has one eye
,-) Ditto...but he's winking
X-( User just died
8 :-) User is a wizard
C=}>;*{)) Mega-Smilie... A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an
updraft, a mustache, and a double chin
Note: A lot of these can be typed without noses to make midget smilies.
english.736dejanr,
A man walks into a sex shop. He asks the woman at the counter, "Could I
please speak to one of the men working here?" She replies, "I'm sorry, but
I'm the only one here. But I've been working here for two years, and I've
seen and heard everything, so you don't have to worry about shocking me. Let
me help you."
So he asks to buy a plastic pussy, and she takes it down off the shelf and
starts wrapping it up for him. She says, "If you don't mind me asking, what
are you going to use it for?" He replies, "Well, uh, actually, um, I'm going
to take it home and screw the hell out of it."
"That's good," she replies, "because if you were going to eat it I'd have to
charge you GST."
english.737dejanr,
The King of Sweden, about 1 year ago, went into a computer store
wanting to buy his son a computer for xmas. He was going to pay for
it with a credit card, (I don't know what kind of credit card it was)
and the salesman asked him for some ID. His face being on almost
every 1 Kr. (1 crown) coin in Sweden (his father is on some of the old
ones), he took a coin out of his pocket and put it on the table saying
that that was his ID. It seems that that was not good enough and he
finally took out his real ID (I guess he was being smart). But then
when he was walking out of the store with the computer the
anti-shoplifter alarm went off.
english.738dejanr,
UNIX and OS/2 are like New York and Los Angeles respectively.
In New York and in UNIX they have a system for doing things, and it's
surprisingly efficient once you figure it out, but it looks unfriendly
to outsiders.
Los Angeles and OS/2 are nice and polished and look good on the surface,
but when you get there you find that nobody has been there very long
and nobody can tell you whether things really work right or not.
So, what is VMS? Chicago? An old pioneer with roots going everywhere, firmly
tied up and not about to move?
What is DOS? Washington? Having laws against tall buildings, surrounded by
a Beltway, unable to expand, civilized by day, and chaotic and riotous by
night, incapable of ruling itself, supported by lobbyists and special interests
to the detriment of the users?
english.739dejanr,
The newlywed couple arrives in their sumptous honeymoon
suite, and it turns out that they are both virgins. Brought up the
old traditional way, neither of them really knows how to have sex.
So after about half a painful hour of abortive attempts to get it on,
an idea occurs to the husband.
"Ok, honey", he says, "this is what we'll do. I'll go into
the closet, and you go into the bathroom. We'll both get undressed
and turn off the lights in the bedroom. And then, on the count
of three, we'll both rush out at each other and then it will just
happen in the middle of the bedroom."
The wife is a bit unsure about this, but since she doesn't have
any better ideas, she agrees. So, the husband goes into the closet
and the wife goes into the bathroom and they both get undressed. The
anticipation is driving the husband mad, and as he takes off his
clothes he begins to get an enormous erection. The wife turns off the
lights and on the count of three, they both rush out into the bedroom
towards each other. However, since the room is dark, the husband
gets disoriented and runs by his wife...right into the dresser. He hits
his willy against the dresser so *hard* that he passes out from the pain.
The next thing he remembers is coming to in a hospital bed, with a
doctor looking down at him. His throbbing dick is still so painful that
he moans to the doctor "Doc, doc, how bad is it?" to which the doctor
replied,
"That's nothing, son - wait till you see your wife!
We still haven't gotten her off the doorknob yet."
english.740dejanr,
We recently conducted a poll as to whether men prefer women with large thighs
or women with thin thighs. The results were pretty surprising.
10% of those men surveyed prefered women with large thighs.
10% of the men preferd women with thin thighs.
And the other 80% prefered what's in-between.
english.741dejanr,
It's now been revealed why Vice President Dan Quayle was so seemingly
unconcerned with the Presidents recent heart condition.
When asked, Mr. Quayle responded "Oh, I'm not worried. Alexander Haig is next
in line anyway."
english.742dejanr,
Did you know that the Smurfs are environmentally friendly?
Sure... Smurfette has a blue box!
english.743dejanr,
George Bush and Saddam Hussein decide to settle their differences in a
civilized manner by discussing the matter. So they meet on neutral
ground, midway between the swings and the sandbox, while all the
little kids respectfully gather round. Bush is clumsily carrying
several rolled-up carpets, and Saddam is holding some empty cans of
Budweiser.
Bush: You shouldn't have taken my toy.
Saddam: It was not your toy. It was my toy.
Bush: Since you won't give me back my toy, we are at war.
Saddam: I am not at war with you. I am at war with Israel.
Bush: You are not at war with Israel.
Saddam: Yes I am.
Bush: No you're not.
Saddam: Yes I am.
Bush: No you're not.
Saddam: I am the leader of this miserable little country, and if I say
I am at war with Israel, then I am at war with Israel.
Bush: Well, I am the leader of a very much bigger country with every
weapon known to man, and I say you're not at war with Israel but
you're at war with me.
Saddam: No I'm not.
Bush: Yes you are.
Saddam: No I'm not.
Bush: Look, if we were not at war, would I do this? [Throws several
carpets on Saddam.]
Saddam: But if I were not at war with Israel would I do this? [Throws
a can of Bud at Israel. Israel ducks and screams bloody murder.]
Bush: You're just trying to evade the issue.
Saddam: No I'm not. I was retaliating.
Bush: You can't retaliate like that.
Saddam: Yes I can.
Bush: No you can't.
Saddam: Yes I can.
Bush: No you can't.
Saddam: Yes I can.
Bush: Be quiet or I will hit you.
Saddam: If you hit me, I will use my secret weapon. Then you will be
very sorry.
[Bush hits Saddam, and Saddam falls down.]
Saddam: MOMMY!!
[Bush looks around nervously, but when no mother appears, he becomes
more confident.]
Bush: Aw, your mother wears combat boots.
Saddam: Yeah, well, so what? At least my mother didn't marry me.
Bush: Don't ever say such terrible things, Mr. SOD-OM Hussein.
Saddam: Stop mispronouncing my name. You always mispronounce my name.
Bush: SOD-OM, SOD-OM, SOD-OM.
Saddam: Well, at least I can. Perhaps there's a reason why you're
called BUSH.
Bush: Now stop saying that. I don't have a bush.
Saddam: Yes you do.
Bush: No I don't.
Saddam: Yes you do.
Bush: No I don't.
Saddam: Yes you do.
[Bush pulls his pants down and wiggles his waggle at Saddam.]
Bush: See, I don't.
[Faced with this open act of aggression, Saddam drops his pants too.
For a long time Bush and Saddam wiggle their waggles at each other,
and all the little kids who watch are greatly impressed.]
english.744dejanr,
This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid
to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ. Finally one night, he
gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they
are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis. "No
thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
english.745dejanr,
As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for
Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him
in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got
tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest
night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple
of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking
the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.
Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.
"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
husband: "Guess who?"
wife: "I know who it is!"
husband: "Guess what I want?"
wife: "I know what you want!"
husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"
english.746dejanr,
This one popped up after I was very tired and not thinking clearly.
Thief at a fast food restaurant:
"Give me a burger, large fries, and all your money!"
Service-Industry-Droid:
"Will that be for here or to go?"
english.747dejanr,
Horace Feebilmeind, the oldest man in the state, decides to visit a prostitute
on his 105th birthday.
He calls an 'agency' which promises to send over the most beautiful woman they
have. He strips in anticipation, and the doorbell rings. He opens the door to
find a tall, svelte, stacked red-head standing there. She takes one look,
snorts, and says, "I'll tell ya, old man! You've had it!"
He thinks for a moment and then says, "Okay. How much do I owe you?"
english.748dejanr,
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my
husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get? asked the
clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to
shoot him!" -Cindy
english.749dejanr,
The person I heard this from ("Al" in the story) swears that it really
happened. (And no, I'm not this "Mark" - you should be able to figure out why
I chose those names. :)
Two guys (we'll call them "Mark" and "Al") are out cruising. Mark is driving,
and they're on some out-of-the way roads. Mark is distracted and doesn't see
a stop-sign, and a few moments after he runs it they hear a siren and see blue
lights. Mark has never been stopped by the police before, and gets really
nervous.
MARK: OhshitwhatdidIdo? I wasn't speeding, was I? No, I wasn't
speeding.
What'd I do what'd I do?
He pulls over, shaking like a leaf. The cop pulls in behind and walks up to
his window.
COP: You realize you ran a stop sign back there?
MARK: [panicky] No, honest! I didn't see it! I didn't *mean* to run it
! I
just didn't see it! Really!
COP: I'll need to see your drivers' license.
Mark pats his pants for a few seconds before remembering that he's wearing
shorts with no pockets. He looks around the car, finds his wallet, opens it
up, and starts frantically throwing things out of it into the back seat.
No license. He enlists Al's help, and together they search the glove
compartment, under the seats, behind the cushions, front and back, to no avail.
After ten or fifteen minutes of searching, Al looks up and catches the
officer's eye.
AL: You don't need to see his identification.
COP: [without missing a beat] I don't need to see his identification.
AL: These aren't the droids you're looking for.
COP: These aren't the droids we're looking for.
AL: He may go on about his business.
COP: You may go on about your business.
AL: Move along.
COP: Move along.
At this point the cop turns around, walks back to his car, gets in, and drives
away.
Mark pulls out and makes it about 200 yards down the road. Then he stops
and just shakes for a few minutes, finally asking Al to drive.
english.750dejanr,
President Bush is finally switching from his manual typewriter to a
personal computer, and taking lessons on how to use it. But he hasn't
set his sights too high. "I don't expect this to teach me how to set
the clock on the VCR or anything complicated," says the President.
english.751dejanr,
A Soviet visitor to Budapest says to his Hungarian host, "You must have such
terrible shortages." The astonished Hungarian asks why he thinks so. The
Soviet visitor replies, "Because you have no queues!"
english.752dejanr,
[ Picture: Dan Quayle cowering under a table;
George Bush leaning over and speaking to him. ]
Bush: "No, Dan, we're not bombing Republicans that were in the Guard...
we're bombing the _Iraqi_ Republican Guard."
english.753dejanr,
Everyone knows the story of the little girl who answered the phone and
when she heard the caller was offering to clean the carpets she answered,
"Mother says she is not in if you are cleaning carpets." In the same
vein we have the true exchange below. [original, true: happened in a
friend's family]
CALLER: Hello
LITTLE GIRL: Hello
CALLER (hearing it is a little girl): Could I talk to your mother?
LITTLE GIRL: Just a moment.
(Goes and calls her mother).
MOTHER: Hello
CALLER: Hello, how are you? I am calling from the Music Conservatory.
Would you be interested in music lessons for your kids?
MOTHER: I don't have any kids. <click>
english.754dejanr,
During the publicity prior to the 1979 solar eclipse, a woman called
a radio talk show in my locality and asked this question: "If we can't
watch it, why are they even having it?"
english.755dejanr,
I just saw on the local news that they finally constructed the Babbage
Machine over in England, a "computer" that was designed nearly 100 years ago.
So you can imagine everyone's shock when, as the crank was turned for the
first time, the little paper tape printer used for recording results punched
out:
MS-DOS Version 5.0
A:\>
english.756dejanr,
A person went to church every week, but feel asleep during the
sermen (sp?) and the women said.. "next time you fall asleep i'm going
to stick this pen up your ass" and he did fall asleep, the father
Began a story and said "Does anyone know what so and so said then?"
and the women had just stcuk the pen up the guys ass as he stood up
and say "Halaluha! " (sp?) and then the father said Correct my son..
the next week as the father asked another question, the guy was jabbed
with the pen and Stood up to say "AMEN!" and the father said "Right again
my son.."
the next week the father began to talk about adam and eve, he said
what did eve say to adam after their 10th child? and the guy
was jabbed with the pen again and he stood up to yell very loudly
"Shove that thing up my ass one more time and i'll rap it around your
face!" and the father said, no I'm sorry, anyone else?
english.757dejanr,
Becuase the husband had just gotten home from a six-month tour of duty,
the husband and wife were furiously making love when, all of a sudden,
the wind slammed a door shut somewhere else in the house.
The husband says, "Oh no! That must be your husband coming home."
And the wife replies, "No. He's off in the Navy for six months."
english.758dejanr,
From Lloyd Smith, MD, during his address at the graduation ceremony for
the University of Texas Medical Branch at Galveston, May 25:
"Then there was the man who was so imbued with science that he sent
two of his children to Sunday school and kept the other two home as
controls."
english.759dejanr,
AT&T phone operators know everything - they really do. This really
happened to me in Salt Lake City, Utah. This being my first trip to
the States, I was a bit unfamiliar with the workings of the phone system....
So, I see a payphone, put in a quarter and dial the number, let's say :
44-41-552-8467 - overseas phone call to the UK. I get the AT&T operator...
"You're calling overseas ?"
"Yes...that's right" (OK, so they have digital exchanges here, too)
"You know you have to put some money in ?" (How did she know it was a
payphone?)
So I put in another two quarters - heck, I don't know how much it costs...
"Oh !", she says, "You're from Scotland !"
"Erm - yes...but how did you know ?"
"Well, you put in 75c and you need about 5 dollars for that call."
Made my day - I had a smile on my face all the way to San Francisco.
english.760dejanr,
A little girl is about to go to sleep, and she says her prayers:
"God bless mummy, and daddy, and my brother, and may my dog rest in peace"
The next day, her dog falls down, stone dead.
About a week later, she is again about to go to bed, and she prays:
"God bless mummy, and daddy, and may my big brother rest in peace"
During school the following day, her brother drops dead.
A while after that, she is about to go to bed, when she prays:
"God bless mummy, and may daddy rest in peace"
The next morning, her mother opens the door, and finds the milkman dead on the
doorway.
english.761dejanr,
Mr Cody was a well-known rector of a protestand church. One day
he had been playing golf and after having a shower he was resting
in the club room, dressed in a bathrobe. A stranger comes in, looks
at him and tries in vain to remember who this guy is. Finally, he
asks:
-Where in Hell have I seen you before?
Cody:
-I don't know. Which part of Hell are you from?
english.762dejanr,
As seen on the sheet accompanying a new MasterCard(TM):
VALUE YOUR CARD!
Your card should be protected in the
same manner as you would handle cash.
Make sure it is returned to you afer
each transaction.
english.763dejanr,
A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a
beer and says "All the guys on this side of the bars are cocksuckers! Anyone
got a problem with that?" Everyone is understandable silent.
He then chugs back another beer and says "All the guys on the other side of the
bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is silent,
again. Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the man.
"You got a problem, buddy?"
"No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."
english.764dejanr,
A friend of mine, while waiting for his airplane, saw a pilot walk
by carrying his bag. On a sticker on the bag, in large letters,
was the word "CAUTION." Leaning closer, my friend read, "To make
the little houses get smaller, pull back on the stick."
english.765dejanr,
A man came home from work early one day, and found his wife naked and
panting on the bed. "Honey", she said, thinking quickly, "I think I'm
having a heart attack!" While rushing to call the doctor, he nearly
stumbled over his crying four year old, who told him there was a naked
man in the closet. He ran to the closet, opened the door, and there was
his best friend. "Damn it, Dave" he shouted, "Jill's having a heart
attack and here you are scaring the hell out of the kids!"
english.766dejanr,
Q: What's the difference between a quantum mechanic and an auto mechanic?
A: A quantum mechanic can get his car into the garage without opening the
door.
english.767dejanr,
Note that the '%' prompt indicates that the command should be issued from
the C shell, and the '$' prompt indicates the Bourne shell.
------------------------------------------------------
% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
% ar m God
ar: God does not exist
% "How would you rate Reagan's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
% \(-
(-: Command not found.
% sh
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
$ drink <bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found
$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create
english.768dejanr,
Why wouldn't an enhanced deterrent, a more stable peace, a better
prospect to denying the ones who enter conflict in the first place
to have a reduction of offensive systems and an introduction to
defensive capability. I believe that is the route this country
will eventually go.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Mars is essentially in the same orbit... somewhat the same distance from the
Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals,
we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If
oxygen, that means we can breathe.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is IN
the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that
is right here.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle,
Hawaii, September 1989
What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind. Or not to have a mind
at all. How true that is.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while
speaking to the United Negro College Fund
You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy
campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you
will always be.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the American Samoans,
whose capital Quayle pronounces "Pogo Pogo"
Quayle stumbled in response to a question about his opinion of the
Holocaust. He said it was "an obscene period in our nation's history."
Then, trying to clarify his remark, Quayle said he meant "this century's
history" and added a confusing comment. "We all lived in this century,
I didn't live in this century," he said.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination
of human rights.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
El Salvador is a democracy so it's not surprising that there are many voices
to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans... I have heard a
single voice.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican
Forum, March 1990
It's rural America. It's where I came from. We always refer to ourselves
as real America. Rural America, real America, real, real, America.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Target prices? How that works? I know quite a bit about farm policy.
I come from Indiana, which is a farm state. Deficiency payments -
which are the key - that is what gets money into the farmer's hands.
We got loan, uh, rates, we got target, uh, prices, uh, I have worked
very closely with my senior colleague, (Indiana Sen.) Richard Lugar,
making sure that the farmers of Indiana are taken care of.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle on being asked to
define the term "target prices."
Quayle's press secretary then cut short the press
conference, after two minutes and 30 seconds.
I not going to focus on what I have done in the past
what I stand for, what I articulate to the American people.
The American people will judge me on what I am saying and what I
have done in the last 12 years in the Congress.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed
without them in 'Red Storm Rising'.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
The US has a vital interest in that area of the country.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle Referring to Latin America.
Japan is an important ally of ours. Japan and the United States of
the Western industrialized capacity, 60 percent of the GNP,
two countries. That's a statement in and of itself.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Who would have predicted... that Dubcek, who brought the tanks in in
Czechoslovakia in 1968 is now being proclaimed a hero in Czechoslovakia.
Unbelievable.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Actually, Dubcek was the leader of the Prague Spring.
May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.
-- The Quayle's 1989 Christmas card.
[Not a beacon of literacy, though.]
Well, it looks as if the top part fell on the bottom part.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to
the collapsed section of the 880 freeway after
the San Francisco earthquake of 1989.
[this may be a joke; the source is unclear.
but it's still funny]
getting [cruise missiles] more accurate so that we can have precise precision.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to his legislative
work dealing with cruise missles
I can identify with steelworkers. I can identify with workers that
have had a difficult time.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle addressing workers at
an Ohio steel plant,1988
[I will never have] another Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy,
Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy Carter grain embargo.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle during the Bentson debate
Certainly, I know what to do, and when I am Vice President -- and
I will be -- there will be contingency plans under different sets of
situations and I tell you what, I'm not going to go out and hold a news
conference about it. I'm going to put it in a safe and keep it there! Does
that answer your question?
-- Vice President Dan Quayle when asked what he
would do if he assumed the Presidency,1988
Lookit, I've done it their way this far and now it's my turn. I'm
my own handler. Any questions? Ask me ... There's not going to be any more
handler stories because I'm the handler ... I'm Doctor Spin.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle responding to press reports
his aides having to, in effect, "potty train" him.
I would guess that there's adequate low-income housing in this
country.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
The real question for 1988 is whether we're going to go forward to
tomorrow or past to the -- to the back!
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
We will invest in our people, quality education, job opportunity,
family, neighborhood, and yes, a thing we call America.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
We'll let the sunshine in and shine on us, because today we're
happy and tomorrow we'll be even happier.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
We're going to have the best-educated American people in the
world.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
This election is about who's going to be the next President of the
United States!
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
Don't forget about the importance of the family. It begins with
the family. We're not going to redefine the family. Everybody knows the
definition of the family. [Meaningful pause] A child. [Meaningful pause] A
mother. [Meaningful pause] A father. There are other arrangements of the
family, but that is a family and family values.
I've been very blessed with wonderful parents and a wonderful
family, and I am proud of my family. Anybody turns to their family. I have
a very good family. I'm very fortunate to have a very good family. I
believe very strongly in the family. It's one of the things we have in
our platform, is to talk about it.
I suppose three important things certainly come to my mind that we
want to say thank you. The first would be our family. Your family, my
family -- which is composed of an immediate family of a wife and three
children, a larger family with grandparents and aunts and uncles. We all
have our family, whichever that may be ... The very beginnings of
civilization, the very beginnings of this country, goes back to the family.
And time and time again, I'm often reminded, especially in this
Presidential campaign, of the importance of a family, and what a family
means to this country. And so when you pay thanks I suppose the first thing
that would come to mind would be to thank the Lord for the family.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Newsflash X/X 1992 Newsflash
St. Louis, MO --(UPI)-- Vice President Dan Quayle today visited St.
Lous, MO, which bears a heavy population descended from German
immigrants. In order to show support for the newly-unified country of
Germany, fatherland of many in the audience, he repeated John F.
Kennedy's words of support 30 years earlier, but this time in English,
"I am a Jelly Doughnut!" Political commentators agreed that something
was lost in the translation. Dan Quayle explained his remark by saying
that he had been told that those who lived in central America enjoyed
jelly doughnuts.
english.769dejanr,
Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he
had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as the plate was
being passed he said "Brothers and Sisters, I don't like to have to do this,
but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another
parishioner's wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the
collection, I will reveal his name. Later, as he counted the money he found 2O
five dollar bills, and a two dollar bill with a note that read "Forever hold
your peace, I'll have that other three dollars before sundown."
english.770dejanr,
"And here's one for you. Acer is working on a hand-held computer similar to
the HP 95LX. What name did the marketing group in Taiwan come up with for
the new machine?"
. . .
"They wanted to call it the 'Hand-job.'"
english.771dejanr,
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks
him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite
serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppos- itories
inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor
warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way
up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him
to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly
or something.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second
suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to
obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her
what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him
and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams
in disgust. "What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did
that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
english.772dejanr,
Last year, in anticipation of abortions possibly becoming illegal in Michigan,
Ann Arbor voters passed an amendment to the city charter making the maximum
allowed penalty for getting an illegal abortion a $5 fine. (as a side note, the
same election increased the fine for possessing small quantities of marijuana
from $5 to $25 for a first offense and $100 for a second).
However, the really strange thing about this policy is that its enforcement
would be assigned to the Parking Department.
So I guess this is a way of penalizing excessive parking after 6 p.m..
But what I have to wonder is what they'll do to women who don't pay their
abortion tickets. Since 6 unpaid traffic tickets results in getting your
car booted, will 6 unpaid abortion tickets result in having a chastity belt
put on you?
english.773dejanr,
I used to feel sorry for myself because I wasn't getting any sex.
Then I met a man who had no hands.
english.774dejanr,
Why don't the English build computers?
They can't figure out how to make them leak oil!
english.775dejanr,
As is well recorded in the fortune cookie database on BSD UNIX, we have:
Ginsberg's theorems:
1. You can't win
2. You can't break even
3. You can't quit the game
Freeman's commentary on Ginsberg's theorems:
Every major philosophy attempts to make life meaningful by contradicting
one of Ginsberg's theorems. To wit:
1. Capitalism: You _CAN_ win.
2. Communism: You _CAN_ break even.
3. Hari Krishna: You _CAN_ quit the game.
Goodenough's addendum to Freeman's commentary:
Capitalism's and Hari Krishna's days are numbered, because as has recently
been decided in the Soviet Union Freeman's commentary on Ginsberg's second
theorem is in fact FALSE!
english.776dejanr,
A casting director was auditioning people for a movie he was working on. For
a particularly pivotal male role, however, he was having no success. Everyone
just seemed wrong. Finally, in exasperation, he tells a guy walking by the
set to try out. The man does, and the director is delighted!
He tells the man, "Terriffic! You're perfect for the part! What's your name?"
The man says, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The director chuckles and says, "Really? Well we can't put that up on a
movie screen. Can you come up with a stage name?"
The man thinks a moment and says, "How about Dick van Dyke."
english.777dejanr,
My wife Cindy suggested at lunch today that if the Democrats could figure
a way to get Gorby out of the Kremlin that they would _finally_ have a
candidate that could stand up to Bush in the next election. She thought
that Gorby's language barrier could be overcome without much trouble...at
least he would be easier to understand than Quayle!
english.778dejanr,
"I never did like Mondays..."
-- Mikhail Gorbachev, on being ousted
from the Soviet Presidency
english.779dejanr,
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received
in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of payment,
he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he
received a letter from the police department that contained another
picture -- of handcuffs.
english.780dejanr,
Cyndi walked into the mahogony office, the person in charge of wheeling
visitors in on a hand cart being on break, and shook hands with
Mr. Winternesse. "Good afternoon, Ms. Cannon," he said. "I'm
glad you were able to come in and discuss our Executive Slave
program. Your background is exactly what we look for in a
candidate."
"Thank you," she said. "I've heard very good things about the
program from others who've been through it. All very successful
people, I might add, and they swear that they owe it all to the
Executive Slave program."
"Yes. There's not another corporate program -- and I'm including
the coop programs at even the top universities -- that provides
the scope of ours. You'll get a solid grounding in all aspects
of the business, along with earning an M.B.A., plus an
unparalleled opportunity to develop the invaluable skill of
executive ass-kissing."
"I understand the program is very exclusive. What are my chances
of getting in?"
"Oh, excellent. In fact, we may have a superb opportunity for
you. Our CEO, Mr. Windmill, will be needing a new executive
slave within the next month. His current slave is graduating
from the program and" -- his permanent smile dimmed a trifle --
"taking a position as CFO with a rival firm. In any case, the
CEO is heterosexual, and very partial to long dark hair and large
breasts."
"I wondered about that. Don't you have problems about sexual
discrimination in this program?"
"Not really. If we meet our EOE goals for executive positions,
the numbers for the Executive Slave program work themselves out
quite nicely. Although we do have a great deal of difficulty
recruiting from certain minority groups."
"I can imagine. So you think I have a good chance at being Mr.
Windmill's Executive Slave?"
"I should think so, although of course Mr. Windmill will make the
final decision. Based on your background, it's virtually certain
that you'll be accepted into the program if you want it. Mr.
Windmill will choose from the available candidates, as will the
other executives whose slaves are leaving. How much do you know
about the requirements for the position?"
"I've heard a good deal, but I'd like to hear it from you."
"You know, of course, that this is an unpaid position?"
"Yes. So I won't be a wage slave, at least."
"No. Even so, we have five times as many candidates as we can
accept."
"I'm very flattered that you're considering me, then."
"That's a very good attitude, but it isn't necessary to butter me
up. Save it for Mr. Windmill. One of the things you'll learn in
the program is how to know which ass to kiss. Now, as I say,
there is no salary attached to the position, but your tuition
to graduate business school will be paid by the company, and
you'll be expected to receive your M.B.A. in two years, six
months before the end of the program. Failure to complete
your studies on time will result in punishment."
"I've heard."
"You'll notice that I don't reprimand you for interrupting. An
Executive Slave may interrupt to ask a question or challenge a
business decision at any time. But never, ever question or
disobey a direct order."
"I understand."
"You will be given time to attend classes, but the rest of your
time will be spent with Mr. Windmill (I'm assuming here that he
accepts you.) Between homework and attending to Mr. Windmill
business and personal needs, you are likely to have very, very
little time to yourself."
"I understand."
"Do you? You will eat with him, sleep with him, shower with him,
make love to him, go to meetings with him, take notes for him.
If he takes a leak, you'll hold his penis for him."
"Do I wipe his behind for him, too?"
"No. There are some things a man must do for himself, although
one or two of our executives may need help finding the spot. You
will, however, check to make sure there's enough toilet paper.
If he plays golf, you'll caddy for him. You'll act as his
sounding board, stroke his ego, and help relieve his stress. Are
you aware of what that may entail?"
"I've heard things."
"The CFO of our firm has a bullwhip hanging on the wall of her
office. She uses it on her ES -- that's Executive Slave -- about
once a week."
"That was one of the things I'd heard."
"Mr. Windmill prefers to administer spankings on the bare
buttocks with a wooden spoon. You understand that you need not
deserve a spanking in order to receive one? If the V.P. of
Marketing deserves a good spanking -- and I can think of no one
who would benefit more from one -- then you will get it, not he.
One does not spank the executives of the corporation, however
much they may deserve it."
"I understand. I think I can handle it."
"Excellent. We like to see highly motivated individuals in our
organization. Now, as I was saying, you will spend virtually
every hour of your time in the program with Mr. Windmill, except
for what you spend in class. When he doesn't need you, you'll be
chained to a desk outside his office, literally, with your books
and a word processor."
"I understand. Are there any other requirements?"
"Well, under certain circumstances you may be required to meet
with and entertain customers or creditors of the firm."
"You mean to have sex with them?"
"Certainly not. We don't do business that way. Your job would
merely be to stall an irate customer, creditor or IRS auditor
long enough for Mr. Windmill to get out of the office -- or out
of town, if need be."
"I see."
"One more thing, and this is specific to the job as Mr.
Windmill's ES. Mr. Windmill meets with the board of directors
every quarter. You would be expected to attend along with him,
of course, and to dress as provocatively as possible. You would
take notes and make coffee and so on, but your primary reason for
being there would be to distract the board members from -- why,
Ms. Cannon, where on earth are you going?"
"Look, I don't know what kind of bimbo you think you're dealing
with here, but I don't make coffee for *anybody*."
Slam. The end.
DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed above are no one's. It's
only a story, and should not be confused with a Harvard Business
School Case Study. The company in question resembles nowhere
I've ever worked, although most companies have one or two V.P.s
who ought to be spanked.
CLAIMER: Copyright 1991, Patrick D. Scannell
english.781dejanr,
The evolution of mathematics education during the last 30 years.
----------------------------------------------------------------
1960's
------
A peasant sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his
selling price. What is his profit?
1970's
------
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his
selling price, i.e. $8. What is his profit?
1970's (New Math)
-----------------
A farmer exchanges a set P of potatoes with a set M of money. The cardinality
of the set M is equal to $10 and each element of M is worth $1. Draw 10 big
dots representing the elements of M.
The set C of production costs is comprised of 2 big dots less than the set M.
Represent C as a subset of M and give the answer to the question: What is the
cardinality of the set of profits? (Draw everything in red).
1980's
------
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His production costs are $8 and his
profit is $2. Underline the word "potatoes" and discuss with your classmates.
1990's
------
A kapitalist pigg undjustlee akires $2 on a sak of patatos. Analiz this tekst
and sertch for erors in speling, contens, grandmar and ponctuassion, and
than ekspress your vioos regardeng this metid of geting ritch.
Author unknown
english.782dejanr,
WASHINGTON - President Bush today finally recognized the three
Baltic states of Latvia, Lithuania, and Estonia. Sources within
the White House indicate that the President also got California,
Texas, Florida and New York, but is having a little difficulty
telling Vermont and New Hampshire apart.
Vice President J. Danforth Quayle, however, continues to remain
stuck at Hawaii and Alaska.
english.783dejanr,
During Operation Desert Storm, Gen. Schwartzkopf was walking about in the
Kuwaiti desert, and stumbled across something in the sand. Uncovering it, he
found an old lamp. He took the lamp back to his tent and proceded to polish it
up, and (of course) out pops a Genie. The Genie thanked Schwartzkopf for
releasing him from imprisonment, and told him that he would grant him any wish
that he desired. The General thought a moment and then unrolled a map of the
Middle East onto his table. He explained to the Genie about the wars that had
been ravaging the entire area, and his one wish was for peace throughout the
region. The Genie responded that he and his ancestors had been working on that
problem for several thousand years, had had no success, and now consider it
hopeless. He asked the General if there was another wish he could grant
instead. Schwartzkopf thought for a moment and finally said that he wished
that the Chicago Cubs could finally win a World Series. The Genie pondered a
moment and then said, "Why don't we take another look at that map?"
english.784dejanr,
If Jeffrey Dalmer, the admitted killer and cannibal, is sentenced to
death it could create a very awkward position for the prison.
After all, condemned prisoners are traditionally given the last meal of
their choice.
english.785dejanr,
From Carla Felicia, a comic I saw this weekend at Zanies here
in Chicago (with some adaptation).
"For me, penises are a hobby, like fishing:
The small ones you throw back.
The good-sized ones you take home for dinner, and
The big ones you mount."
english.786dejanr,
Pres. Bush, (NY)Gov. Cuomo, and (NJ)Gov. Florio are flying on
a plane together. When they passed over New York, Cuomo wrote his
name on two one dollar bills and threw them from the plane. Florio
very curious about this action asked him why he had done it. Cuomo
responded that he had just won two votes.
Florio, not wishing to be outdone, wrote his name on two one hundred
dollar bills and threw them from the plane once they reached New Jersey.
This caught the attention of President Bush, who inquired about this
action. Florio explained about just winning two votes.
A few minutes later, Pres. Bush shoved both Cuomo and Florio from
the plane. The pilot was shocked and asked the President why in the
world he just killed two Governors. The President responded,
"Simple, I just won two states"
english.787dejanr,
Here's an original submission for rec.humor.funny, based on my
perceptions of so-called "power users". I haven't used the phrase
"_Real_ Power Users" in the text, because, in my opinion, the only
Real Power Users are Real Programmers (tm) :-) Enjoy.
-Richard
THE POWER USER'S GUIDE TO POWER USERS
Power Users never read their software manuals; instead they get
petty cash from their secretaries and use it to buy books which
contain the phrase "Power User" on the cover. They then keep the
receipt, to claim against tax.
Software manufacturers write their manuals badly, and in computerese,
in order to con Power Users into buying the manual ("XYZ for the
Power User!") a second time. This extra revenue compensates the
manufacturers somewhat for all the people who pirate their software
and then buy Power User Guides to replace the manuals they never
had...
Power Users never read their "Power User's Guide to ..." books,
for the same reason they didn't read the software manuals in the
first place. They do however skim the first two chapters, in which
they make copious annotations (e.g. underlining phrases like "to get
a directory listing, type 'DIR C: <enter>'. Note do not type the
word '<enter>', or the quotes.")
Power Users get their companies to buy them 130MHz 80586 PS/4s with
100MB RAM and 5-gigabyte optical drives, which they bring home:
- to run Lotus 1-2-3G spreadsheets, producing PostScript graphs
of their mortgage repayments;
- to DTP stern memos forbidding their Real Programmers from using
unregistered shareware and PD utilities at work. For this task,
they get their computer upgraded with a 4096x4096, 12 billion colour
hyper-VGA video display, and the memo employs a minimum of seven
different fonts, plus bolding and italics, with at least five
revisions to correct spelling errors, and to order the Cc: list
in the most politically acceptable manner), and
- to play pirate copies of Tetris and PC-Golf which they haven't
realised are infected with a virus.
Power Users scold their children for referring to their machines as
personal computers. "It's NOT a PC, Jimmy, it's my Professional
Workstation, No Intergalactic Space Zombies for you tonight! Now, go
to your room!"
Power Users get an identically equipped PC at work, so they can do
the work they would do at home, if only ten-year-old Jimmy would stop
playing Intergalactic Space Zombies for five consecutive minutes. The
money for this PC comes out of the Real Programmers' software tools
budget for the next three years.
Having worked out their mortagage repayments for the next 100 years,
and having failed consistently to beat ten-year old Jimmy at
Intergalactic Space Zombies, Power Users never touch their computers
again; at work, they keep themselves occupied in meetings, so nobody
will see them staring blankly at their PC screen. Meanwhile, the Real
Programmers who work for them struggle by with aging IBM PCs (the
originals ones, with a grudgingly-added Tallgrass disk drives -
yuck!)
Rather than read their "Real Users Guide to..." books, Power Users
turn to their ten-year-old kids for technical advice ("yes, Jimmy,
I understand that, but how do I get the directory on the _D_ drive?")
Power Users get frustrated when they press the 'Print Screen' key and
nothing happens: they thump it a dozen times before realising they've
left the printer off-line.
Power Users sneak their children in outside office hours to work out
why their spreadsheet figures don't add up and the Chairman's end-of-
quarter report is due tomorrow.
In a strange twist of human psychology, the ten-year-old children of
Power Users think that when they grow up, they'll become Real
Programmers and make shit loads of money writing a game better than
Intergalactic Space Zombies. (Sadly, they end up chugging out
accounting software for Power Users.)
Power Users could master any PC application, if only they could figure
out how to start it ("Uhhhm, it must be on this menu somewhere..".)
Power Users attend innumerable Power User courses, where they get a
set of loose-leaf binders of notes they never read (but whose titles
in genuine imitation gold leaf look impressive beside the "Power
User's Guide to..." books which now accumulate a thick layer of dust
on the shelf). They also drink a lot, and commiserate with each other
how their Real Programmer subordinates are a bunch of overpaid,
long-haired layabouts who can't be coerced into wearing shirts and
ties, never mind a suit; and of course to swap Power Techniques like
how to format a 360k disk in a 1.2MB drive and thus get more than 360k
of data onto it ("I'll have my secretary call IBM Technical Support
about all the bad sector things I'm getting on this disk.")
Power Users carry a pocket calculator for working out the cell values
in their Lotus spreadsheets ("Um, I guess I didn't get to the section
on formulas yet in my 'Power Users Guide to Lotus 1-2-3'".)
Power Users think "Your computer is stoned" is part of the DOS copyright
banner.
The ten-year-old children Power Users mischievously stick pieces of
cheese into every crevice of their parent's mouse, not realising that
this causes testicular problems later in life (for the MOUSE, twit!).
Power Users don't think that last joke was funny.
Power Users get their secretaries to call IBM Technical Support to fix
their defective mouse, because they're too embarassed to asked any of
their Real Programmer subordinates how to open it to remove the cheese.
When nobody is looking, Power Users pretend their mouse is a toy car,
and race it around the desk.
Power Users keep a large box of tissues on their desk to wipe the
saliva off the screen after playing Test Drive (BRRRRRM! BRRRRRM!)
Power Users can't figure out how to make their modems stop auto-answering,
so they alway lunge on their phone when it rings in an effort to beat it.
They're never fast enough, and spend the first 30 seconds of the
conversation apologising, while the modem auto-ranges, and they
earnestly promise that they'll have their secretary call IBM Technical
Support to have the problem rectified.
Power Users panic when they lose those dumb keyboard templates that
come with programs like Turd Perfect (which are too brain-dead to have
a decent user interface). They invariably mix up the templates when
switching between programs.
Power Users have problems with Windows, when they have two or more
applications running, but room for only one keyboard template.
Power Users buy those dumb mice that have a nearly full ASCII keyboard
built-in to them ("Swiss Army Mouse (tm)").
Power Users believe computer salesmen.
Power Users will buy ANY program that makes wild promises on the box
about increasing productivity. These boxes always look impressive on
the bookshelf, beside the "Power User" books and course notes.
Power Users use MicroJerk ProjectMeister to schedule their wife's
pregnancy, and get confused when they can't work out how to assign
tasks and set milestones. They try to persuade the obstetrician to
induce labour when she's late.
Power Users unreservedly believe their MicroJerk ProjectMeister when
it says the project will be complete at 5pm on the last Friday in
September next year, but eighteen months later, they won't believe the
Real Programmer who says it'll be done "Real Soon Now (tm)".
Power Users believe the ads for 4GLs and Application Generator
packages, and think that in two weeks they'll be able to fire all
their Real Programmers. (Ha ha ha... remember "The Last One"?)
english.788dnikolic,
Sta je to LAPD?
dn
english.789dejanr,
LAPD? Los Angeles Police Department ili kako se to već piše.
english.790ndragan,
* sermen (sp?) -- sermon
* and say "Halaluha! " (sp?) -- halleluiah (not sure this 1)
english.791radunovic,
#* and say "Halaluha! " (sp?) -- halleluiah (not sure this 1)
It is hallelujah(izvor Hothouse Flowers- "People").And what abou this 1
- Seoladh Na Ngamhna - (Irish)
english.792isekulovic,
Q: What is different between squirrel and psychiatrist?
A: There is no differnet, they are both surrounded with nuts.
english.793ndragan,
* - Seoladh Na Ngamhna - (Irish)
irish? you mean gaelic? ili to beše onaj što se govori u velsu... kanda sam
pobrko jezike. nema veze, ionako ih ne znam.
english.794dejanr,
In personal mail, a friend of mine writes:
> The average length of a man's penis is 6 inches and the average depth of a
> woman's vagina is 9 inches. That means that there are approximately 25 miles
> of unused vagina in New York City alone.
That's one marathon I'd LOVE to run!
english.795dejanr,
This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man
sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe
what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The
man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is
about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few
minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes
the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and
says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your
penis from your pants to wipe it off ! What the hell kind of degenarate
are you?" The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I
have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasam."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
english.796dejanr,
I called up the local auto club this morning to ask for a map of Colorado.
The receptionist who answered the phone asked me to spell my last name, and
then my first name.
Me: "D-A-V-I-D."
Her: "Was the first letter 'D' as in David or 'B' as in boy?"
With a mind like that, she could be designing rocket boosters for Morton-
Thiokol
english.797dejanr,
If a train-station is where a train stops what happens at a workstation?
english.798dejanr,
Dick Thornburgh has resigned his position as Attorney General, the
nation's highest cop, to run for the U.S. Senate in November.
Looks like another case of "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em."
english.799dejanr,
Senator Kennedy to Prof Anita Hill:
Prof Hill, I have only two questions for you:
1) Are you free Saturday Night?
2) Can you swim?
english.800dejanr,
I recently finished up teaching Comp 4, the computer literacy course here at
UNC, during a compressed summer session. Comp 4 is an introductory class that
assumes NO knowledge of computers among its students, and believe me when I say
that this was often the case. The class was great fun to teach, and one of the
facets that made it interesting (day-in and day-out) was the wealth of new
knowledge that the students imparted to me on tests and examinations. I
thought that I'd share some of these nuggets with you. My comments are in
the standard C delimiters (/* and */). *Your* comments are encouraged. Here
goes:
Bacchus invented FORTRAN. /* I knew FORTRAN was old, and that it may
have been designed under the influence of alcohol, but... */
There are three kinds of program statements: sequence, repetition, and
seduction.
There are two types of graphics: vector and rascal. /* Otay... */
Programming languages have specifictions. /* Obviously this student
has dealt with a few standards. */
Macs are compatible with each other. /* Imagine the alternative:
"What's your Mac's serial number? We'll go back to the ware-
house and get your software." */
Doctors use computers to create a three demential picture of a person's
brain. /* Is this classic, or what? */
One kind of a hostile computer program is a Trojan.
C is a logical programming language. /* <rim shot> */
Heuristics (from the French heure, "hour") limit the amount of time
spent executing something. [When using heuristics] it
shouldn't take longer than an hour to do something. /* An
absolutely terrific "false cognate". */
Having the computer automatically fill in images for animation is
called "spleening". /* Derivation: most likely "splines" +
"tweening". */
One method of computer security is a phone line. /* She qualified it
later by adding, "You have to know the number." */
Video games are examples of fault-tolerant systems.
On one test, I gave the students some abbreviations and asked them to tell me
what they stood for. You won't believe the creativity of a student in a test
situation. For example, one of the abbreviations was "fax", which *really*
stands for "facsimile". However, various Comp 4'ers said it stood for:
Fiber-optic Aided Xeroxing
Frequency Automatic X-rays
/* and my favorite... */
Fast A** Xeroxing
The students also had to hand in term papers, and these were rife with interes-
ting tidbits. I've clipped a few, quoted verbatim:
"The worst thing the Mac has to offer, is that cooperative multitasking
is not available to be used."
"... footnotes present an interesting problem, which may be solvable by
Hypercad." /* I assume the last term is the newest rage -- a
free-form database for designers. */
"...Linda, a blind girl, was able to attend public school due to the
aid of a speaking computer that taught her the basic
fundmamentals [sic] of grammar and spelling." /* Linda may
want to lend her computer out... */
"The program is manufactured by Quantel, a Silicon Valley company
located in Clearwater, Florida." /* A *long* valley, as my
roommate put it. */
"At the beginning of each season [Edwin] Moses teats himself on
computerized weight machines..." /* Ouch! */
Hope you enjoyed all these. If you've had similar experiences, I'd love to
hear about them!
Cheers,
Kev @ UNC
english.801dejanr,
Q. You're in a room with George Bush, Micheal Gorbachev and Boris Yeltzin, and
you have a gun with two bullets in it. What do you do?
A. You shoot Dan Quayle twice!
english.802dejanr,
Here is a digest of the lesser jokes on judge Thomas. Please note that
some may find some of these jokes in bad taste.
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Thomas Hearings
From: apucorle%idbsu.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca
There was some fear that the re-opened Thomas hearings would have to be
postponed. It seems that Professor Hill's explicit sexual testimony was
getting Senator Kennedy overly excited. The Senator has begun mentally
recalling the previous night's baseball playoff game to ebb his feelings.
- From Rush Limbaugh, Radio Talk Show host.
= = = = = = = =
Subject: New Evidence in Thomas Hearings
From: parvin1@husc.harvard.edu
This is original, although fairly obvious.
The recent Senate confirmation hearings have brought out a fact that civil
liberties groups have long asserted. . .
Clarence Thomas is a hanging judge.
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Clarence Thomas, Senate, semi-original
From: mailm@atex.kodak.com
(Adapted from a conversation with a friend:)
Is lack of a sense of humor a requirement for being a Senator? I was watching
the Senate Judiciary Committee's hearings on Anita Hill's allegations of sexual
harassment by Clarence Thomas. As she described how he boasted about his penis
being larger than normal, I waited in vain for the committee members to ask, in
unison,
"Why, how large was it?"
Some people just can't pick up their cues.
--
Paul Mailman
Billerica, MA
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Judge Thomas and his office equipment
From: lingling@wam.umd.edu (Lisa Wolfisch Nyman)
During the examination of Judge Thomas' former secretary, one of the
questioning senators asked Did he use a dictaphone?
On the closed captioning appearing on my screen, the typist
inadvertantly wrote something a bit different.
Did he use a dick to phone? was the interpretation.
= = = = = = = =
Subject: sexual harassment
From: crouse@eng.umd.edu (Gil Crouse)
Jack Diamond a self described "radio personality" on MIX 107.3
radio station in Washington, DC in talking about sex harassment
in the work place urged women to stand up for themselves because
guys will be crude sometimes. Then he said:
Guys are like dogs, you have to whack them on the nose
with a newspaper sometimes and say, 'You don't pee in
here, go outside.'
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Sexual Harassment! Reduced Rates!
From: rob@ll.mit.edu (Rob Steele)
Sexual Harassment!
Low budget rates--20% off for new clients!
No job too large or small.
Simple rudeness $3
Coarse jest $4
Lewd remark $5
Truthful lewd remark $20
Appearance evaluation $50
Offensive touching $120/min.*
Pornographic arts review $100
Harassment defense $250/day plus expenses
Abject, groveling confession (Call for pricing)
Attend sensitivity training $3000/day plus expenses
*Subject to cooties department approval.
--------------------------------------------------
disclaimer:
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Clarence Thomas joke
From: jeffl@sybase.UUCP (Jeff Lichtman)
You can blame me for this one, since I made it up myself:
Q: What is Clarence Thomas's favorite drink?
A: Coke with a twist.
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Lawyers and judges
From: geoff%pmafire@uunet.uu.net (Geoff Allen)
While pondering the Clarence Thomas sexual harrassment accusations this
morning, a thought struck me:
Obviously, someone is lying, and lying big-time.
We don't know who it is that is lying, but the implications
are...
If Clarence Thomas is lying, he is definitely unfit for the
United States Supreme Court.
But if Anita Hill is lying, is she simply demonstrating her
skills as a lawyer?
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Sexual Harrassment
From: PDCHAPIN@amherst.edu
Original - but obvious.
Q: Has Anita Hill ever been the victim of harrassment?
A: She has now.
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Was it really sexual harassment?
From: billh@vab02.larc.nasa.gov (Bill Henderson)
Overheard at Clarence Thomas' office on April 17, 1980
Thomas: "You know Anita, I think that I have the largest staff of any
of the guys in my graduating class."
Overheard at Clarence Thomas' office on April 25, 1980
Thomas: "Anita, I'd like to keep you on my staff for a really
long time."
Harassement?
= = = = = = = =
Subject: The Truth is still hidden
From: jneff@eniac.seas.upenn.edu
Original, as far as I know.
So, we've heard day after day of testimony, heard from both sides of the
issue, took a vote, and still the truth is elusive.
Just how should one pronounce "harassment"?
english.803dejanr,
The Iraqi Veteran's Association has announced that it will be protesting
outside the Minneapolis Metrodome during the baseball World Series. They
say that all the waving of "homer hankies" by Twins fans is demeaning and
degrading to Iraqi soldiers.
english.804dejanr,
One hot summer I worked for the "L'il Stinker" company, a guy down the
street from us that pumped septic tanks. It actually wasn't a bad
job. Most of my day was spent driving all over backwoods San Diego
County in a big white pickup truck (San Diego County still had
backwoods then). My job was to get to the customer in advance of the
tank truck, find the septic tank, and dig down to the lid so everything
would be ready when "Sweeney" got there with the tank truck. The tank
truck was great -- huge black monster with two white stripes running
down the back, a picture of a skunk, and his phone number. If you saw
it once, you remembered it instantly whenever your toilets backed up.
Over the course of the summer "Sweeney" told me a number of interesting
and possibly true stories. This has always been one of my favorites.
Sweeney got called out to this house in Rancho Santa Fe, a very ritzy
suburb. Typical problem, the toilets are backing up. Young husband
answers the door, tells him the tank is "out there" somewhere. Sweeney
goes out, finds and uncovers the tank, takes a look inside. It's got
zillions of condoms happily floating on top of the, ah, other
contents. They've floated up against the outflow hole, thereby
blocking up the whole system. Sweeney walks back up to the house and
brings the guy out to show him what the problem is. The guy is
obviously stunned, so Sweeney starts to explain that condoms don't do
well in a septic tank. The guy cuts him off and says between clenched
teeth, "I don't use them." He thinks it over for a minute, writes
Sweeney a check for the full bill, and tells him to just leave it like
it is. To this day he has no idea what happened when the wife got home.
english.805dejanr,
Gorbachev's handicap is that he too long tried to placate both the
democratic reformists and the party hardliners.
Bush's handicap is an 8.
english.806dejanr,
In the beginning there was ENIAC.
And the ENIAC was without language or form.
And so was created Machine Code. And it was Good.
On the second day, Hex was created. And it was good.
On the third day, Assembly Language was created. And it was good.
On the fourth day, Fortran was created and it was good.
On the fifth day, man programmed in Fortran. And it was very good.
And it was spoken: "Though may program in any of these, but the tree of
COBOL thou shall not partake for thou shalt surely pay for thine
transgresssions."
But, there was a hacker in the woods who took the form of a mini and
spake to the man and said "Thou shalt not pay for thine transgressions,
for he knoweth that if thou partakest, thou shall have power to program
large and wonderful things that shall be readable by others!"
So, the man partook of COBOL.
And it was spoken: "Thou hast partaken of the tree of COBOL:
Thou art doomed to write hundred thousand line programs,
be enslaved by IBM, and not have other good programming options for years."
And it was so. Many years passed. IBM dominated. Programs grew larger and
larger.
BASIC, Pascal, SNOBOL, PLI, Ada and many others came and went.
IBM dominated. And COBOL programs grew.
Then, as implied, a program came out of the telephone.
It spread to the universities who took it on and made it grow.
IBM tried to kill it many times, but after the PC was introduced,
it was inevitable. First, A. Written in Assembly, not COBOL.
Then B which was better that A.
Then finnaly C took full form and shape.
With UNIX, it launched into the market seemingly impervious to
COBOL's domination.
IBM tried again to kill it. Through security holes, and portability, and
unreadability IBM tried.
But C could not be quashed.
The implied savior of programming everywhere had come!
And the great COBOL could finally start to be removed.
Open systems and high capacity graphic's aided and spurred C on until there
was C for DOS, C++, and finally, C for the IBM series 3090.
And it was very good.
(to be continued ... maybe)
english.807dejanr,
"Our cable TV is having interference right now, is yours?"
"Not as far as I know... what channel are you watching?"
"We're not watching a channel. We're playing a tape."
english.808dejanr,
Mikhail Gorbachev believed in omens. He thought that the bird
following him around was the dove of peace. It was just a pigeon warning
"Coo, coo, coo."
english.809dejanr,
The congregation of a small stone church (in England?) decided that the
stone which formed the step up to the front door had become two worn by its
years of use, and would have to be replaced. Unfortunately, there were hardly
any funds available for the replacement. Then someone cam up with the bright
idea that the replacement could be postponed for many years by simply turning
the block of stone over.
They discovered that their great-grandparents had beaten them to it.
Now the renewable:
An entomologist at New College, Oxford ("New" because its only a few
centuries old), discovered beetles infesting the oak beams supporting the roof
of the Great Hall. It was fairly urgent that these be replaced before the roof
collapsed -- but anyone who has looked at the price of oak lately can tell you
that this was not something the college budget was prepared for.
Since oak from a commercial supplier was out of the question, someone
suggested that the college Forester be sent for. His job was to administer the
various scattered tracts of land that had been deeded to the college when it
was founded. The trustees hoped he might know of suitable trees on college
land.
It turned out that there was indeed a suitable stand of mighty oaks. They
had been planted when the college was founded, and down the centuries each
Forester had told his successor: "You don't cut those oaks; those are for when
the beetles get into the beams in the Main Hall."
english.810dejanr,
First...this is true. Entirely. Saw it in the newspapers and heard it from
comedian Mark Russell during a show of his that I worked on.
It seems that recently on the "Today" show, there was a white female guest
who was going to demonstrate self-defense she taught. She had brought along
one of her instructors, a black male, to be the "attacker" for the
demonstration. The staff at "Today" freaked, and insisted on replacing the
man, explaining that they could not be a party to such racist stereotyping.
The replaced the man with Bryant Gumbel.
english.811dejanr,
[Okay, so there aren't ten of them, but they are all quotes from
the recent Usenix/LISA conference in San Diego. All quotes, as well as
authors' names, are used with permission. -AA]
"Someone in the back row, raise your hand."
- Steve Shumway (shumway@central.sun.com),
making sure his mike was working
"We have the most [thorough] test guy in the world... [I showed him
this program and he asked,] 'but Rob, what if time runs backward?'"
- Rob Kolstad (kolstad@sun.com)
"Those Macintoshes aren't the cute little boxes you think they are."
- Elizabeth Zwicky (zwicky@erg.sri.com)
"I will not be presenting this talk in rap."
- Arch Mott (amott@mips.com)
"I like having a machine called 'elvis' on the network because
that way, I can say 'ping elvis' and have it come back with 'elvis is
alive'."
- Carl Shipley (carl@jpl-devvax.jpl.nasa.gov)
"Could I have optimized [this script] for legibility? Yes, but then
I would have had to use more slides."
- Tom Christiansen (tchrist@convex.com)
"I don't know why I didn't use an underbar here. Maybe it would have
made my line wrap or something."
- Tom Christiansen (tchrist@convex.com)
"You know, we really ought to do accounting on the Unix boxes. It
should be a ten-minute hack..."
- Former group head, 1987, quoted by John
Simonson (gort@cc.rochester.edu)
english.812miro,
Once little Srpce met a little Bugarce and noticed his haircut.
"What a fine haircut you have", said little Srpce, "but hey, didn't
I
see some other Bugari with the haircut of the same kind?"
"Oh yes", proudly agrees little Bugarce, "we all get the haircut
done
by the street machines!"
"???"
"You see", explains little Bugarce, "we have these huge machines on
our streets, each with the hole in the middle. You put your head
inside,
and there are knives going around----fik, fik, fik, ... ,
and the haircut is
done!"
"Ah", exclaims little Srpce, "that would not work with us. We all
have
heads of a different sizes."
"Well", smiles the Eastern Neighbour, "so did we ... at the
beginning ..."
O
/█>
Ů Ţ
▀ ▀ IMPORTED BY Dragisa.
english.813stal,
> Once little Srpce met a little Bugarce and noticed his
> haircut.
:))))))))))
Mislim da nije fer da vicevi na engleskom nikad ne ulaze za vic meseca.
Ne bi bilo loše kad bi se i glasalo, odvojeno, i za "engleski" vic meseca.
Pa posle za francuski, španki, bugarski,.. :)
Sto da ne, još jednog čoveka usrećiti sa 30min...
english.814dejanr,
From Dennis Miller (paraphrased)
Ron Reagan (son) has a new talk show. I hope you all watch it. After
all we know what happens when a Reagan does badly in show business.
From comedian John Mendoza:
The popular Halloween costume this year is Pee-Wee Herman. It's cheap,
too, because you don't have to buy pants.
english.815dejanr,
The following is the best of what was generated by the spew automatic
news headline generator (program copyright 1987 Greg Smith), "almost"
unedited by me.
---
Madonna Gives birth to Seventy-Two Daughters.
-- Joan Rivers May Be Involved.
"Elvis Died From Eating Plums", Says Michael Jackson.
-- National Enquirer Photo Exclusive.
"Frank Sinatra Is Really Space Alien From Mars" Claim Swiss Voice Pattern
Recognition Researchers.
Chemists Discover Linda Ronstadt Was Married to King Henry VIII in Previous
Life
Croatian AI Experts resurrect Groucho Marx.
-- Ukranian AI Experts Offer Undeniable Proof.
Nancy Reagan Files Paternity Suit Against Joan Rivers -- Claiming Sex Change.
"Killer Tigers From Israel killed My Daughter" Claims Moammar Khadafy.
Cindi Lauper Maims Ninety-Seven TV Personalities in drunken rampage.
Real Life Ghost Busters Exorcise Poltergist from Prince Charles's home in
San Rafael.
Madonna Tells Of Night Of Terror With Johnny Carson.
"He Threatened Me With a Phased Plasma Rifle".
Killer Kittens injure Eva Gabor.
-- Exclusive Pictures Inside.
"I Am The Reincarnation of Cleopatra", Claims Linda Ronstadt.
Eating Tomatoes Can Give You Chicken Pox, Claim Japanese Psychologists.
"Santa Claus kidnapped My Baby", Insists Game Show Host.
Atheist Monks report USS enterprise Sighting in Salt Lake City
"They Came From The Direction Of Pluto!".
-- National Enquirer Photo Exclusive.
British Artificial Intelligence Researcher's Bizarre Claim:
"Russian Meta-physicists Planted Mind Control Device In My Head".
english.816dejanr,
Q: What is the world's tallest building?
A: KGB headquarters in Moscow. From it's *cellar*, you can see Siberia!
english.817dejanr,
Two skiers are at the top of a mountain discussing the best route down.
Skier 1: I know: we'll do a zig and then a zag.
Skier 2: No, that's far too dangerous. We'll have to do a zag first and
then a zig.
Skier 1: I think we could get away with doing the zig first. Let's ask
someone else.
A third man arrives at the top of the mountain clad in full
mountaineering safety gear, and the first skier turns to him:
Skier 1: Do you think we can get away with doing a zig and then a zag
here, or must wqe do a zag first, and then a zig?
Third man: I don't know, I'm sorry. I'm a tobogganist.
Skier 2: In that case, please can I have twenty Rothman's?
english.818dejanr,
Here are more snippets from the one liner file. While preparing RHF,
I collect short jokes that aren't quite worthy of an individual posting
in the one liner file. Every so often I put digests of these out to
the group. (Beware that some readers, such as NN, will mistakenly
present all these items in the digest as individual articles.
Undigestification is a stupid kludge, but you have to live with it.)
These short items may contain swearing, mature themes and stereotypes.
= = = = = = =
From: eric@abode.wciu.edu (Eric C. Bennett)
Subject: Jepordy Topic
I'll take LA Police Brutality on Videotape for $20 million, Alex.
(original joke)
If you can read this you aren't looking through the hubble space telescope!
= = = = = = =
From: joe@iris2400.dgi.com (Joe)
Subject: NO SUBJECT PROVIDED
Like my mom always said, "When your dad dies, then we'll be in heaven."
= = = = = = =
From: joe@lola.dgi.com (Joe)
Subject: duh!
You dropped your pocket!
-Joe Bullard
= = = = = = =
From: smf@cup.portal.com
Subject: Food Additive - source
This is original: Too disgusting for anyone else to imagine...
A new food additive, derived from the sweat on Michael Jackson's hands
after a concert. It will be used mostly in confections requiring
a smooth texture. Other uses may be derived. This additive will
appear on package labels as:
Partially Androgenated Palm Oil
Steve Field 8-)
= = = = = = =
From: msoques@mozart.amd.com (Martin Soques)
Subject: New motto for Texas car plates?
[from the local paper]
There is a move in the Texas legislature to put the words "The Lone
Star State" in our plain looking car plates. One representative
unsuccessfully tried to ammend it to "The Savings and Lone Star State."
Marty
= = = = = = =
From: ACCT05@medusa.cair.du.edu (Dr. Lindahl)
Subject: corporate philosophies
I was in a quality control meeting the other day got on the subject
of corporate cultures. We agreed that ours should be:
"We don't have time to think, we've got decisions to make."
Hope you find it amusing. I told this to my counterparts in
Computing Services. We came up with some variants.
"I don't have time to think, I've got programs to write."
= = = = = = =
From: Scott.Draves@woozle.graphics.cs.cmu.edu
Subject: political parties
Q: What's the difference between the Democrats and the Republicans?
A: The Republicans *know* that they are lying.
this might be original, but i doubt it.
= = = = = = =
Organization: University of Southern California, Los Angeles, CA
From: peracha@aludra.usc.edu
Subject: Three Liner
While car is moving, wife asks her husband...
Wife: Darling, can you drive with one hand
Husband: Oh sure I can :-)
Wife: Ok then, clean your nose with other hand...
= = = = = = =
Organization: Lenoir-Rhyne College, Hickory, NC
From: brian@lrc.edu
Subject: Sexual computing
From the sick minds in the computer lab late at night...
What happens when the hardware meets the software on the motherboard?
You spawn....
= = = = = = =
From: vanderwerkend@lonex.radc.af.mil (Dan Vanderwerken)
Subject: The Bride's Thoughts
I don't know how original this one is...I believe my Greek professor,
Dr. MacAdoo from Va Tech, told it to me about 10 years ago. I just found
written in my old text book yesterday. I thought it was worth submitting.
Question: What were the bride's thoughts while waiting for the marriage
ceremony to begin?
Answer: Aisle. Alter. Hymn.
= = = = = = =
From: sdussault@east.sun.com (STEVE DUSSAULT)
how do you know if someone likes moosehead???????????
look for antler marks on their thighs!!!!!!
= = = = = = =
From: zeek@gamma.net.com (Jim Zeek)
Subject: Homeless
(from an editorial cartoon of unkown origin)
Spraypainted on a wall in an urban getto
"If you lived here, you'ld be home now"
Jim Zeek
Network Equipment Tech.
zeek@net.com
= = = = = = =
From: JJM7609CSCI@apsu.bitnet
Person 1: How ya gonna do it?
Person 2: I'm Gonna PS/2 it!!!
Person 1: But that's only half a computer!
Person 2: That's ok! OS/2 is only half an operating system!
= = = = = = =
From: n3000@moscom.UUCP (MaxNet CAS Development)
Subject: FDA AND ANTI-ALZHEIMER DRUG
Regarding FDA advisory panel rejection of Warner-Lambert's anti-Alzheimer's
drug Cognex:
Government approval, with Ronald Reagan still alive and potentially able to
testify about Iran-Contragate? Don't think so! :-X
= = = = = = =
From: BUDGELL%NRCHEM.NRC.CA@vm.nrc.ca (DEREK BUDGELL)
Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: Things get worse under pressure
Original Source: Unknown
= = = = = = =
Organization: University of Delaware
From: galuska@udel.edu (Scott Galuska)
Subject: from the legendary Deer Park in Newark, DE
I found this on a condom machine at a local tavern...
"For a full refund, please deposit baby here!"
--
Scott Galuska
Dept. of Computer & Info. Science
Univ of Delaware
galuska@dewey.udel.edu
= = = = = = =
Subject: Could this be the sequel to Arachnophobia?
From: NU021927@vm1.nodak.edu (Roy M. Jacobsen)
A phobia is by definition an irrational fear.
Claustrophobia is an irrational fear of enclosed spaces.
Ailurophobia is an irrational fear of cats. (And, as a friend of
mine has observed, tooraloorailurophobia is an irrational fear of
Irish cats.)
Marty Helgesen <MNHCC@CUNYVM.BITNET>
= = = = = = =
From: herbw@wiskit.UUCP (herbw@wiskit.rain.com)
Subject: Speaking of Naughty Politicians
From Jonathan Nicholas' column in The Oregonian, Friday, March 29, 1991
This just in from a Nicholas Notifier up north. Everyone's favorite
farmer and political commentator off the interstate near Chehalis has
just come up with the prize line of his career.
"Limit congressmen to two terms. One in office. One in jail."
= = = = = = =
From: kcochran@isis.cs.du.edu (Keith Andrew Cochran)
Subject: Cute, Country&Western, singing.
Heard on The Comedy Channel recently...
"I could be a country-western singer. I just got done writing my latest song:
If I had met you earlier, I would have gotten rid of you long before now.
= = = = = = =
From: icsu8249@cs.montana.edu (Emmett)
Subject: Think tanks . . .
I was just sort of wondering:
If it's the thought that counts, why aren't
there more pregnant women around?
= = = = = = =
From: jetzer@studsys.mu.edu (Mike Jetzer)
Subject: Divorce statistics
Heard on the radio during the morning rush:
They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as
bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death.
= = = = = = =
From: IRVINMJ@wsuvm1.csc.wsu.edu (Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437)
Subject: The Perfect Housekeeper
Source: A college professor in Seattle (in response to recent Nutworks
joke re Robin Williams' "Divorce is Latin for..."
I recently told a friend of mine who was just divorced for the third time:
"Bob, the next time you feel like getting married, why don't you just find a
woman you don't like and buy her a house?"
= = = = = = =
Organization: The Dark Side of the Moon +1 408 245 SPAM
From: max@darkside.com (Max Pandaemonium)
Subject: Physics
Physicists define stress as force per unit area. The rest of humanity
defines stress as physics.
= = = = = = =
From: jeffg@loki.asd.sgi.com (Jeff C. Glover)
Subject: UNIX Curses Explained (original)
If you've checked your local technical bookshops lately, there is
a new paperback out, "UNIX Curses Explained."
Funny, I read through it and it wasn't at all what I expected.
= = = = = = =
From: trb@ima.isc.com (Andrew Tannenbaum)
Subject: fish abuse
(Yes, this is true.)
I went in to a restaurant and a waitress told me that today's special
was Blackened Bluefish. I asked her if it was battered.
Andrew Tannenbaum Interactive Cambridge, MA +1 617 661 7474
= = = = = = =
From: apratt@atari.UUCP (Allan Pratt)
Subject: Cary Grant
My dad told me this one a long time ago; I don't know where he got it.
Cary Grant was known to resist revealing his age. When somebody sent
him a telegram asking, "HOW OLD CARY GRANT?" he replied, "OLD CARY
GRANT FINE, HOW YOU?"
= = = = = = =
From: john@chance.UUCP (John R MacMillan)
Subject: Was it good for you?
Heard from a friend:
Q: What one word describes the absolute worst blowjob you have
ever had?
A: Fantastic!
= = = = = = =
From: mirk@system-simulation.co.uk (Mike Taylor)
Subject: Words of Wisdom (original)
Taylor's Laws of Programming
============================
(*) Never write it in C if you can do it in `awk'.
(*) Never do it in `awk' if `sed' can handle it.
(*) Never use `sed' when `tr' can do the job.
(*) Never invoke `tr' when `cat' is sufficient.
(*) Avoid using `cat' whenever possible.
english.819dejanr,
From an article on Sunsoft's plans to publish Solaris (SunOS) for
general Intel-based machines which appeared in the September 5 edition
of the San Jose Mercury News:
...
While programs written for Sun machines won't run unmodified on
Intel-based computers, Sun said the two packages will be completely
compatible and that software companies can convert a program from
one system to the other through a fairly straightforward and
automated process known as "recompiling".
english.820dejanr,
Jokers:
Being a subscriber to Vogon News Service, from time to time issues
will the humor section called Vogonballs .. Thot u would appreciate this
section.
CARY
<><><><><><><><> T h e V O G O N N e w s S e r v i c e <><><><><><><><>
Edition : 2397 Friday 30-Aug-1991 Circulation : 8325
VNS VOGONBALLS: [Dick Binder, VNS Humour
Editor]
=============== [Nashua, NH, USA
]
"In my new job i'll organize material which isn't available at the
moment."
- Email from unidentified individual
- from John Keogh (Nijmegen, Holland)
"And welcome to the Central Park on this the first Monday of the
week."
- DJ at night club
- from Anthony Gorman (Galway, Ireland)
"Please call immediately if you don't receive this."
- Note appended to a FAX message
- from Larry Hersh (Nashua, NH, USA)
"[Stratus Computer] stuck with fault-tolerant computers, designed
to keep working even if no parts fail."
- Boston Globe article
- from Tom Flaherty (Franklin, MA, USA)
"When Hugo hit South Carolina, Charlotte was devastated by tomatoes."
- Remark on hurricanes' potential for tornadoes
- from Deb Bourquard (Nashua, NH, USA)
"If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card ...
please tell a crew member."
- Safety information card in America
West Airline seat pocket
- from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)
"Except as provided in FAR 91.213, all instruments and equipment
installed on an aircraft MUST BE OPERATIVE IN ORDER FOR THE
OPERATOR TO OPERATE IT".
- FAA advisory circular
- from Keith Boardman (Nashua, NH, USA)
+------------------------------+
| Inexpensive, Quality Daycare |
| Openings Day and Night |
+------------------------------+
- Sign in front yard, York, Maine
- from David McDonell (Littleton, MA, USA)
"Tomorrow is going to look like a whole different day."
- CNN Prime News weather person
- from Dave Burden (Alpharetta, GA, USA)
"The Red Sox have another victory in the win column."
- Jim Boyd, WCVB-TV News, Boston
- from Paul Tinkham (Chelmsford, MA, USA)
"Three white matching Victorian fireplaces. Can be sold as a
pair. #1,500 o.n.o. each."
- Articles for Sale, Irish Times, 22 Aug 1991
- from Colin Becker (Clonmel, Ireland)
"Hurricane Bob is upon us! Don't go out and gawk at the damage,
let us do that for you!"
-Channel 13 News, Portland ME 8/19/91
- from Jody Bobbitt (Marlboro, MA, USA)
"The stock went flat because the FDA didn't approve a new breast
implant..."
- Nightly Business Report on PBS
- from Norma Comer (Dallas, TX, USA)
*** Send VOGONballs to VORTEX::CALIPH::BINDER, not to VNS ***
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
>
Permission to copy material from this VNS is granted (per DIGITAL PP&P)
provided that the message header for the issue and credit lines for the
VNS correspondent and original source are retained in the copy.
<><><><><><><><> VNS Edition : 2397 Friday 30-Aug-1991
english.821dejanr,
Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a saxophone?
A: Vibrato.
Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
A: He can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about
how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say "Not bad,
but I could've done better".
Q: How do you make a lead guitarist slow down?
A: Put some sheet music in front of him.
Last February we were in LA and happened to catch Frank Gambale at Le Cafe.
Frank was trying to introduce the next tune and drummer Tom Brectlein (sp?)
was doing the usual "annoying drummer" thing, which was to test his sticks to
make sure they were still evoking sounds from the skins.
In mid-sentence, Frank breaks off and turns around with a "Will you stop!?"
Back to the audience, he says, "Alright, he asked for it. How do you know
when there's a drummer at the door?" Blank looks. "The knocking speeds up."
Tom, not to take this silently, responded with, "What do you call two
guitarists
playing in unison? ... Counterpoint."
So this trumpet player dies, see? And when he reaches is everlasting
reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with
this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist
named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up
with his drums. "Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this
good." So the guy in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's
a girl singer."
english.822dejanr,
Brad,
Here's a story by myself that's rated IQ-17: It can be appreciated
only by people with an IQ under 17. The story has no copyright. It may
be a good candidate for rot13.
-------------- cut here ----------------------------------------------------
Unless his father is rich, a graduate student in computer science will
most likely end up supporting himself by working on university research
projects or, if he doesn't speak English, by teaching undergraduates. These
students make less than a freelance can recycler. A few students work
part-time at a useful craft or trade that supports them in comfort. I
decided that I would practice such a trade: Professional sperm donation, the
jack of all trades.
During my first visit to the sperm bank, I was taken to the office of
the doctor in charge. His walls were covered by medical degrees and citations
for his achievements in sperm preservation. One of the citations said
"Honorable Discharge", which I thought was a bit grandiose.
"It is of the utmost importance that semen samples remain sterile,"
the doctor explained.
"Sterile semen?" I oxymoroned.
"Thus, samples must be produced by unassisted direct manual
stimulation of the genital protuberance."
"Huh?"
"Choke the purple-helmeted love nazi."
"Oh."
"Furthermore, before the production of each sample, there must be
three days of abstinence."
"Three days? 4320 minutes! Is that really a good idea?" I had
visions of being rushed to the emergency room to have my scrotum lanced and
drained as it expanded like a Jiffy Pop bag. "I'm no doctor, but I think an
hour of abstinence is enough. I mean, we're not aging a fine wine, are
we?..."
I was scheduled for a donor room, where I would have to deliver
samples, piping hot, in 30 minutes or less. I didn't know if I could become
aroused under such conditions. I was of an impressionable age when I first
saw Racquel Welch in "Fantastic Voyage", and afterward I could only be aroused
by women who wore rubber diving suits and were covered by foot-long
antibodies. (These days, having your partner in a rubber suit covered with
large antibodies is not a bad idea.) I've since grown out of this habit.
Although now I can only become aroused by a woman if she turns the letters on
my "Wheel of Fortune" board game. I decided to get some men's magazines for
immoral support.
As a teenager I found Penthouse to be highly stimulating. (As a
teenager I found everything to be highly stimulating. I had to take up tennis
just to explain my tennis elbow.) However, Penthouse photographs are often
rendered in a diffused soft focus, which is why you go blind. Eyestrain is
the reason you often see men crying when they read the magazine.
Once, when I was fourteen, my father wondered if he should get a
subscription to Penthouse. "Great idea!" I panted. "It offers an insightful
editorial posture and interviews with personalities of topical interest."
He shrugged indifferently.
"You have to get it! You absolutely have to! It offers guides to
fashion and accessories, goddammit!" I shrieked before passing out. Now I've
started to actually read those articles. I used to put magazines under my
mattresss so they wouldn't be found; now they're there for lower back support.
I thought that, if I'm going to be a professional in a medical
facility, I should forget the over-the-counter products like Penthouse and
look for more potent prescription remedies in the shops of the red light
district.
These magazines did not have interviews with personalities of topical
interest. Their titles generally were the names of female body parts. One
was called "Female Body Parts". The magazines might serve a medical
professional as references of female anatomy and its many diseases, but they
were too much for me. I settled for this month's issue of "NBC Anchorwomen
in Chains".
As it turned out, I was able to wield Excalibur without anxiety in the
clinic's donor room, and I looked forward to returning there on my
twice-weekly visits. I didn't appreciate it at first, but I eventually
realized what a terrific room it was. It had a wicked, shameless chair, a
voluptuous, come-hither lamp and a coy, pouting paper towel dispenser.
However, the room was small, or perhaps it only seemed so because when there
I was usually homo erectus, so I was constantly upsetting lamps and clearing
shelves. Okay, maybe not.
I produced so many test specimens that the doctor could have built an
infant from scratch and avoided conception altogether. But after several
weeks, the testing was over and I was sent back to the doctor's office.
He said that I had been accepted into the program: my sperm count was
five times higher than average.
There it was. In seconds, I had become an awesome engine of
fertility, a sexual force to be feared. Condoms and diaphragms could be
shredded by my Zulu sperm cells as their superior numbers overwhelmed the
British outpost of the ovum. My minions could overcome any female
contraceptive resistance and commit countless acts of microscopic date rape.
My ego was further engorged by the fact I'd finally met someone who
wanted me just for my body. I was a sex object, meat on the hoof. The doctor
obliged by talking about me in the cold quantities of sperm counts and
motilities, reciting my "tale of the tape" as us pro athletes call it. He
also referred to donor candidates by number instead of name to preserve
anonymity. To the doctor I was The Man With No Name, a hired gun.
"A hun'rd and ten million! That's pretty good shootin', stranger.
What'd you say your name was again?"
"I didn't say...."
From now on, I would be paid. My one-armed bandit had consistently
hit the jackpot, and now I was going to cash in. Some guys think their penis
has a mind of its own. Mine had a career of its own.
It was during my next visit, as I approached the main desk, that I
first saw her: Candy the candystriper.
I had never been particular about my women. Two X chromosomes
sufficed. But Candy was different. Perhaps it was the three days of fluid
backing up into my brain that made her look like an angel floating toward me.
Perhaps it was her helium breast implants. All I knew was that I wanted to
suckle that bosom till I talked like Donald Duck.
She noticed my groin, which bulged handsomely due to the bag of ice
I put in my pants to keep down the swelling.
She gave me a specimen cup and I went into the donor room, where I was
great. A minute later I returned.
My headache was gone. I sauntered over to Candy's desk and turned
on the charm, which I can do pretty much at will.
"Sorry, but my cup runneth over with love."
She smiled the dazzling smile that is the gift of a woman with braces.
She said, "You might want to zip up your fly."
"Why, you eagle-eyed minx," I teased. "You've been watching my fly,
haven't you, like a photographer waiting for a glimpse of the Loch Ness
monster."
She giggled. "So, what do you do?"
"Here? Um, I do what all the other guys do. But better."
"I mean, what do you do for a living?"
I hung my head. "I'm a computer science graduate student."
"Really? Can you say something in computerese?"
"Awk grep sed lex yacc?"
She squealed with delight, and her sudden increase in body heat caused
her implants to expand. I had it made.
On our first date, I learned all about her. A woman of compassion,
she had bought a water bed because it made the fleet feel more at home. She
had also bought a high-tech, no-mess vibrator, only to learn it was an
electric orange juicer.
I thought it would be responsible of me to inquire about her medical
history. Her gynecologist had said that, though she needed retreads, she
didn't have any social diseases. This was a relief because it meant the
president wouldn't have to order a stand down of all naval operations. Her
neurologist had said that her brain was still a virgin, its fragile tissues
untouched by knowledge.
Her favorite literary work was Kafka's "Metamorphosis". She hadn't
read it, but she had seen an ad for the promo of the music video. She could
emphathize with a human mind that finds itself trapped inside the body of an
insect, because she suffered the opposite problem.
She was my girl of my dreams.
Toward the end of the evening, I made my move. "Pound bang slash bin
slash cush semi ell ess minus ell splat."
She fell against me, nearly swooning. Should I strike while the iron
is hot? The sperm bank had already scheduled to within 4 minutes every
ejaculation I would have in the next year. But how often does a man find true
love? I decided I would service both Candy and the sperm bank, spreading
myself thin, so to speak.
"Candy, would you like to go to my place and view my itchings? We
could practice CPR. I'll check you for tumors. Maybe a lower GI series?"
We got to my apartment and with a flourish I opened the door to my
my lair of lust. "Welcome to my Altar of Ecstasy, my Boudoir of Bliss."
"Gee, it looks just like a sperm donor room."
We wasted no time. She was so hot her bust deployed like a Chrysler
air bag. All night it was twiddle twiddle twiddle pipe mount socket pound
bang pound bang splat return. Consummate, consummate, consummate.
In the morning I staggered to the sperm bank. The vigor of youth had
abondoned me. I needed a heavy styling mousse to achieve the hardness needed
to raise my flag over Iwo Jima and produce a specimen. The cup would've held
more microbes if it was filled with Jersey tapwater.
Unfortunately, the doctor chose that day for a spot check of my
handiwork. He looked at my specimen under a microscope, but couldn't find
anything. He continued hunting for Red October and finally found a sperm.
It tried to swim, but then it grabbed its chest and rolled over.
So, my career ended as soon as it started. But my romance has
flourished. Candy has proven to be a challenging libidinal dynamo, but
nothing me and some new vacuum cleaner attachments can't handle.
english.823dejanr,
"The GTA Student Bible"
As recorded by the disciple Tracy Atteberry
Parable of the Teaching Assistantship
1 And it came to pass that the graduate students received the teaching
assisgnments.
2 That same day went the graduate students with great fear out of thier
offices and sought the counsel of one who was but a.b.d. (all but dissertation)
3 And great multitudes were gathered together unto him, so that he went
into a classroom and stood; and the whole multitude was seated with great
eagerness.
4 And he spake many things unto them in parables, saying: "Behold, a GTA
went forth to teach;
5 And when he taught, some truths fell by the way side (largely due to
mumbling), and no ears did receive the message.
6 Some fell upon heads made out of bone, where they had not much
thought: and forthwith their hands sprung up because their minds were shallow.
7 And when the test was up, their brains were scorched; and because they
had no understanding, they dropped the class.
8 And some truths fell among stray thoughts; and the stray thoughts
sprung up, and choked them:
9 But other fell into good minds, and brought forth homework, some an
hundred percentile, some seventy percentile, some sixty percentile.
10 Who hath ears to hear, let him hear.
.
.
.
14 In them is fulfilled the prophecy which saith:
'By hearing ye shall hear,
and shall not understand;
and seeing ye shall see,
and shall not perceive.
15 For some student's minds hath waxed lethargic,
and their ears are dull of hearing,
and their minds they have closed.
Lest at any time they should see with their minds,
and should understand with their thoughts,
and should turn, and we would teach them.'
.
.
.
18 Listen then to what the parable of the GTA means:
19 Do not worry saying, 'What shall we teach?' or 'How shall it be
presented?' or 'How shall the curve be determined?'
20 For the uninformed chase after all of these things, and the graduate
school knows that you need them.
21 But seek ye first thine own studies, and concern for thine own g.p.a.
and all this funding (the Graduate Teaching Assistantship) shall be added unto
you as well.
Parable of the First Semester
1 Once again, the kingdom of the graduate school is like a net that was
let down into the sea of the undergraduate and caught every kind of student.
2 When the openings were full, the graduate committe drew the catch onto
the campus. Then they sat down and gathered the good into better offices, but
cast the bad away.
3 So shall it be at the end of the first semester: the sealed envelope
shall come forth and sever the unfortunate from the fortunate,
4 And shall cast them into the furnace of industry where there will be
weeping and biting of backs.
5 Therefore every student which is instructed unto the graduate school
is like unto a man that is a householder, which bringeth forth out of his
storeroom understanding new and old.
english.824dejanr,
Here are more snippets from the one liner file. While preparing RHF,
I collect short jokes that aren't quite worthy of an individual posting
in the one liner file. Every so often I put digests of these out to
the group. (Beware that some readers, such as NN, will mistakenly
present all these items in the digest as individual articles.
Undigestification is a stupid kludge, but you have to live with it.)
These short items may contain swearing, mature themes and stereotypes.
= = = = = = =
Organization: Westinghouse, ITTC, Pgh, PA.
From: fpb@ittc.wec.com (Frank P. Bresz)
Subject: VAXES
VAX: A machine for the 80's, and it still is.
Quoted from : Don Perkins <perkins@cgi.com>
= = = = = = =
From: jmd@cbnewsm.att.com (Joseph M Dakes)
Subject: Football and Sex
Q: How is football similar to oral sex?
A: Whoever wins the toss usually elects to receive.
= = = = = = =
From: MEDAD%ILNCRD@vms.huji.ac.il
Two friends went to a striptease show. Despite the air-conditioning,
one noticed that his companion was sweating profusely.
Concerned, he asked his friend, "Is it too hot for you in here"?
"No", replied the other, "It's not the teat but the tumidity".
= = = = = = =
From: 860099w@aucs.acadiau.ca (Marty Ward)
Subject: PMS Joke
Overheard at the secretaries' office area where I work.
Q: What is the definition of PMS?
A: Putting up with Men's Shit.
= = = = = = =
From: psgeorge%ecuvm1.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca (Pam George)
Subject: deaf joke
Original!
While driving back from vacation,my husband and I passed a church
for the deaf. Being partially deaf,I pointed it out to my husband. He said he
guessed that the preacher only went through the motions.....
= = = = = = =
From: heller2@husc.harvard.edu (Joshua Heller)
Subject: possibly original joke
Said while trying to convince a friend to stop spending so much time in rn:
"Usenet is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read"
I thought it was funny enough at the time that I had to, well, post it.
= = = = = = =
Subject: Intel/AMD lawsuit
From: apple.com!well!alcmist@decwrl.UUCP (Frederick Wamsley)
<original, as far as I know>
Intel CEO Andy Groves responded to AMD's allegations against Intel by
calling AMD "the Milli Vanilli of the chip business".
This suggests interesting possibilities. Is Intel the Frank Sinatra
of the chip business? Is IBM the Barry Manilow of systems? Apple
is clearly the Madonna of personal computers. Data General would be
the Guns 'n Roses of minis.
And I won't even tell you who Microsoft is!
= = = = = = =
From: al@calsci.UUCP (Al Petterson)
Subject: Imitation is the sincerest form of...
My fiancee on occasion pretends to be a dumb blonde, which she does
uncannily well, despite being brilliant and raven-haired. She said the
following to me yesterday (tongue in cheek):
"Sherri wanted to, y'know, play this game on her Macintosh, and so she,
y'know, asked me for help 'cause she was having problems getting it to load
-- but I don't know why, 'cause I don't know anything about the Mac, since
all the computers at work are PC's, right? But you know what? I played
with it for a minute and it's just like that Windows program! Except I
don't think they did as good a job with it as they do on the PC."
= = = = = = =
From: mcb@presto.ig.com (Michael C. Berch)
Subject: Rodney King, yet another...
Heard at a writers' conference in L.A. last week:
Q. Why did the L.A. cops leave the ballgame early?
A. They wanted to beat the crowd!
= = = = = = =
From: ECZ5SEE@mvs.oac.ucla.edu (naomi seeger)
Subject: democracy
Q: So what's an onomatopia?
A: A socio-governmental system that just sounds good.
= = = = = = =
From: labarge@nscs1.nscses.sea06.navy.mil (])
Subject: modifify a cliche to invent good physics
Quantum particles: the dreams that stuff is made of.
--David Moser
= = = = = = =
From: APUCORLE@idbsu.UUCP
Subject: Lowe
Heard on the radio this morning:
Rob Lowe has been signed to star in the movie "Wayne's World" as a
cost saving move by the studio. You see, he's already filmed the sex scene.
= = = = = = =
From: dhw@iti.org (David H. West)
Subject: Yet Another Lightbulb
Q: How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to climb the ladder, and the other to hand him up the
penis^H^H^H^H^H light bulb.
[heard from Jay Ungar, revised for ASCII by sender]
= = = = = = =
From: msentell@resdgs1.UUCP (Mark Sentell)
Subject: smirk, funny
An original, and hopefully the last Pee-Wee Herman joke ever told.
Pee-Wee Herman give new meaning to the term "slap-stick humor"
= = = = = = =
From: schumach@starman.convex.com (Richard A. Schumacher)
Subject: I grieved, for I had no cash...
...'til I met a man who had no credit cards.
= = = = = = =
From: lucena@verity.com (John Lucena)
Subject: RE: Summer Movies.
Hi,
Those guys from UNC forgot my favorite summer movie:
Sleeping with the Public Enemy.
(julia roberts does the nasty with Chuck D, Terminator X and
professor Grith and the whole S1W squad!)
-john
= = = = = = =
From: vvergara@pica.army.mil (V I C T O R)
Subject: Bar scenes
Heard from an office mate.
Claims it is a true story.
There is a bar out west that has an open bar in the front and instead of the
back room filled with pool tables, they have poker tables. At this bar, they
sell t-shirts to generate extra funds that says:
"Liquor up front, Poker in the rear"
= = = = = = =
From: jonathan@procase.UUCP (Jonathan Ganz)
Subject: twisted cliches
Prosecutors will be violated.
Honesty is a changing policy.
= = = = = = =
From: hobson@header.enet.dec.com (Hobson's Choice 22-Aug-1991 0821)
Subject: Glorified title and job description can be attractive ... ??
From The Daily Egyptian, the student newspaper of Southern Illinois
University at Carbondale, July 25, 1991, page 10.
GIANT CITY LODGE now hiring busboys and ceramic engineers (dishwashers).
We're looking for a few sharp people who can hustle. call 457- 4921
= = = = = = =
From: ray@biovision.utoronto.ca (Ray Deonandan)
Subject: cheetah
If Tarzan is an engineer, and Jane is an engineer, what does
that make Cheetah?
A: designated driver.
= = = = = = =
From: haaker@casbah.acns.nwu.edu (Laure Haak)
Subject: August Respite
The real reason for the collapse of the coup in the Soviet Union
has now become clear. The Soviets have managed to gain what
Americans have been trying to get for more than 200 years:
a national holiday in August.
Laure Haak
haaker@casbah.acns.nwu.edu
= = = = = = =
From: ejo@kaja.gi.alaska.edu
Subject: more CCCP COUP humor
How many Coup leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
Give up?
Well, more than eight, anyway...
= = = = = = =
Organization: gnat - Dunellen, NJ
From: ahm@gnat.UUCP
Subject: I didn't know that!
Overhead on TV:
Did you know that automobile air-conditioning was invented by
three little old Jewish guys? Sure... I can prove it.
Their names are on your dashboard: Max, Norm and Hi.
= = = = = = =
Organization: None, Mt. Laurel, NJ
From: bill@twwells.com (T. William Wells)
Subject: Every programmer's favorite
From Scientific American, July 1991, in the Mathematical
Recreations column:
The column describes an insect-like robot and then relates an
incident in which a curious visitor, on seeing the thing for the
first time, asks "is it a bug?" The reply: "No, it's a feature".
= = = = = = =
From: snowem@dev.sas.com
Subject: word play
Heard on WRDU FM Raleigh, NC. . .
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?
= = = = = = =
From: BEEZER@ups.edu (Rob Beezer)
Roseanne Barr Arnold has sued her talent agency for fraud. She is
asking $60 million in damages - $30 million only is for punitive
damages, the other $30 million is for groceries.
Bob Rivers, KISW radio
english.825dejanr,
Here are more snippets from the one liner file. While preparing RHF,
I collect short jokes that aren't quite worthy of an individual posting
in the one liner file. Every so often I put digests of these out to
the group. (Beware that some readers, such as NN, will mistakenly
present all these items in the digest as individual articles.
Undigestification is a stupid kludge, but you have to live with it.)
These short items may contain swearing, mature themes and stereotypes.
= = = = = = =
From: mickfm@deakin.oz.au
What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take it for a drag.
= = = = = = =
From: patti@hosehead.intel.com
Subject: Documentation Musings
While discussing product proposals lately, we began to wonder about
something.
Is the word spec short for specification, or for speculation?
= = = = = = =
From: cep@apple.com (Christopher Pettus)
Subject: An Elegant Insult
Passed on to me by a friend ...
They had a guy on NPR this morning, hawking his new book about
the art of the insult. His favorite insult of all time took
place between two members of the French legislature (I think;
I didn't pay much attention to the historical details):
Politician 1: You, my friend, will surely end up on
the gallows or poxed.
Politician 2: That depends, of course, on whether I
embrace your philosophy, or your mistress.
= = = = = = =
From: SBROWN@kentvm.kent.edu (Steven R. Brown)
Subject: MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT TERMS
the elderly = the chronologically gifted
= = = = = = =
Organization: Wayne State University
From: MEDELMA@cms.cc.wayne.edu
Subject: Thanksgiving Phobias
From our staff artist/Hypercard wizard, Eric Iverson:
"...This time of year it's quite common for people to
suffer from Cornuphobia...that is, Fear of Plenty..."
= = = = = = =
Organization: Johns Hopkins University
From: levene@aplcen.apl.jhu.edu (Robert A. Levene)
Subject: Not Necessarily the news.*
Edited slightly and reprinted with permission
from the .signature of cdr@hobbes.amd.com (Carl Rigney) ...
"Imminent Death of the Net Predicted. GIFs at 11."
Rob (levene@aplcomm.jhuapl.edu)
= = = = = = =
From: jsb@panix.UUCP (J. S. B'ach)
Subject: New Answers to Old Questions
Q. When is a door not a door?
A. When it's Val Kilmer.
= = = = = = =
From: danthrax@triton.unm.edu (Loki)
Subject: bagpipes
{Heard this from one Fred Tart, President of Sandia Budokan}
Gentleman: (n) A man who knows how to play bagpipes... and refrains.
= = = = = = =
From: vahalia@xlib.enet.dec.com (12-Apr-1991 1319)
Subject: looking for love in all the wrong places
Q. What do horny French tourists do in Pakistan?
A. Go to Lahore
= = = = = = =
Subject: Secretarys' Week
From: eliot@dg-rtp.dg.com (Topher Eliot)
In honor of National Secretarys' Week, enlightened employers should know
the correct way to spell "praise".
Without the "p".
= = = = = = =
From: mccap@cobalt.cco.caltech.edu (jim)
Subject: Overheard
Overheard in a bar:
"I just don't understand. Though I begin to suspect it's something about my
attitude towards women that keeps me from getting laid...."
= = = = = = =
From: bank@lea.csc.ncsu.edu (Belgarath the Sorcerer)
Subject: Quoted from a microbiology grad student
Graduate School: It's not just a job, its an indenture.
(My girlfriend was the first one *I* ever heard say this, but someone
else says they heard it before so we can't claim originality)
= = = = = = =
From: john@sequent.com (John Vander Borght)
Subject: Latest Music Scandal
This occurred to me this morning while I was watching M-TV here in Munich
(its the only English language channel in my hotel).
We've all heard of the Milli Vanilli and Paula Abdul controversies, now
there is a rumor that Bart Simpson is lip-synching on "Do the Bartman".
It seems like someone must have said this before so sorry if it's old, but I
did think of it myself.
= = = = = = =
From: MONET01@umcvmb.UUCP (Gerry Howser)
Subject: pinball, theory, Howser's Law
This is semi-origional, one of those "over many pitchers of beer" findings.
Howser's Law of Negative Balance (also known as the Pinball Theory of Balance)
"Any situation can be driven to a point of 'negative balance' which is that
point at which whatever you do, including doing nothing, will make matters
worse". A prime example of this is pinball. In pinball, when you are really
racking up the points, anything you do will make it more likely that you will
lose the ball or tilt.
= = = = = = =
From: MEDELMA@cms.cc.wayne.edu (Michael Edelman)
Subject: unix humor
Another from staff ace Eric Iverson (eiverso@cms.cc.wayne.edu) relayed
by request:
Unix weenies? That's a contradiction in terms...
= = = = = = =
From: bryan_cardoza@npd.novell.com (Bryan Cardoza)
Subject: What kind of humor?
True story:
After regaling my wife with the latest contributions to this
group, she asked, "Just where do you read 'rectal humor dot
funny?'"
= = = = = = =
From: sshapiro@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Stewart Shapiro)
Subject: just a little off season
Heard this from a friend:
Q: What did the blind person say when given some matzah?
A: Who the hell wrote this?
= = = = = = =
From: jms@netcom.com (John Schonholtz)
Subject: And thank you for flying....
[A flight announcement heard by a friend, on an airline that shall remain
nameless.]
"Ladies and gentleman, we have just found out that we have a very special
passenger with us. Today he is celebrating his 100th birthday.
So let's all give a big hand to the pilot!"
= = = = = = =
From: mjl@cs.rit.edu (Michael J Lutz)
Subject: Joke about aging -- mildly funny or depressing -- you pick
[
This will appeal to those who were around before timesharing
was common. It will have less immediate impact on those who think
timesharing has to do with reserved weeks at condos.
]
A cardiologist friend told me after his last birthday:
``There's one nice thing about turning 45: you no longer have
to worry about a *premature* heart attack."
Mike Lutz
Rochester Institute of Technology
mjl@cs.rit.edu
= = = = = = =
From: rog@ingres.com (Roger Taranto)
Subject: Some Oracle Jokes
These jokes appear in Computing 25/4/91:
Why should you never pick up the receiver while passing a public telephone?
Because it's an Oracle salesman making a cold canvas.
= = = = = = =
From: J.M.MORRIS@genie.com (JoJo)
Subject: MUPPET JOKES
Summary: WHY CANT MISS PIGGY COUNT TO 100???
Kermit has decided not to dabble in the commodities markets
any longer....
He lost his wad in pork bellies
= = = = = = =
From: enger@seka.scc.com (Robert M. Enger)
Subject: Virgins
What do you call a virgin in New Jersey? A tourist.
What do you call a virgin in West Virginia? An orphan!
= = = = = = =
From: weiswnge@phoenix.princeton.edu (Thomas J Weisswange)
Subject: Another Lightbulb Joke
Saw this one in the Nassau Weekly (Princeton):
How many University of Chicago Economics professors does it take to change a
light bulb?
None. If the bulb needed fixing the market would have done it.
= = = = = = =
From: scleary@math.ucla.edu (Sean Cleary)
Subject: Bo Jackson's misfortunes
From Vin Scully, Dodgers's radio announcer:
Did you here what they'll call Bo if his knee injury loses him
his Nike contract?
"Shoeless" Bo Jackson.
= = = = = = =
From: youraa%morekypr.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca
Subject: original haiku
Meditation on hard-drive maintenence:
Immovable blocks
Multiply like cancer cells.
I need a new disk.
= = = = = = =
From: yawei@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu (mr. yawei)
Subject: Commercialism
(I believe this is original)
A: (melodically) ... I like the Sprite in you!
B: Thanks ... but it's all in the bladder.
= = = = = = =
From: nyo@dcs.exeter.ac.uk (Neil Youngman)
Subject: recession (one liner)
Heard on "Any Questions" a radio four discussion programme:
Due to the current economic situation the management have decided that the
light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off until further notice
= = = = = = =
From: dukach@ptt.lcs.mit.edu (Semyon Dukach)
Subject: Zen, original
Q: Does a cow have Buddha-nature ?
A: Mu
= = = = = = =
From: MILLERC@beloit.edu
Subject: Computer nerds
"Computer nerds are people who know 256 different ways to have sex but don't
know any women to try them on." -John Payson Class of '93 @ Beloit College
= = = = = = =
From: leban@par3.cs.umass.edu (Bruce Leban)
Subject: Secrets from the gulf war...
It's not very well known yet that the gulf war was actually the first field
test of two US missiles: the Patriot and the Edsel. The Patriot was built
by the private sector under government contract. The Edsel was built by
civil service employees. In its first field test, the Patriot performed
flawlessly. The Edsel did not do so well. It had the same problem we
always have with civil service employees: it didn't work and it couldn't be
fired.
english.826dejanr,
Here are more snippets from the one liner file. While preparing RHF,
I collect short jokes that aren't quite worthy of an individual posting
in the one liner file. Every so often I put digests of these out to
the group. (Beware that some readers, such as NN, will mistakenly
present all these items in the digest as individual articles.
Undigestification is a stupid kludge, but you have to live with it.)
These short items may contain swearing, mature themes and stereotypes.
= = = = = = =
From: CMYERS@sctnve.UUCP
Subject: NO SUBJECT PROVIDED
This was taking from the 11/26/90 issue of the Gwinnett Daily News:
Something to think about...
Radar spelled backwords is... radar.
This explains how state troopers can get you coming and going.
= = = = = = =
From: JRP1@phoenix.cambridge.ac.uk (Jonathan R. Partington)
Subject: Unpopular ministers
Jokes about Kenneth Clarke, when U.K. Secretary of State for
Health.
What do you call a man who ignores doctors' advice? The health
secretary.
Kenneth Clarke dies this morning. Doctors said his condition was
'satisfactory'.
Now that KC has become Education Secretary, the first joke has
been updated:
What do you call a man who doesn't listen to what his teachers
tell him? The education secretary.
= = = = = = =
From: 6500erik@ucsbuxa.bitnet
Subject: A joke for philosophers
Why did the epistemologist cross the road?
I don't know.
= = = = = = =
From: briond%gold.gvg.tek.com@relay.cs.net (Brion Dunbar)
Subject: New radio station
May be offensive to some. I heard this one from my wife.
Did you hear about our new local radio station? Call letters are KPMS.
The format is 3 weeks of the blues followed by a week of ragtime.
= = = = = = =
From: INGRAM@usmcp6.UUCP (JONATHAN INGRAM)
Subject: Rainman
It occurs to me that in Rainman, when Tom Cruise says that Dustin
Hoffman should work for NASA and then changes his mind after the
doctor asks Hoffman how much would be left from a dollar if he
spent 50 cents and Hoffman replied 70 cents. It seems to me that,
if he can spend money that way, that he should be working for the
government.
After all, at least he realizes that some is missing after he spends
it.
Jonathan W. Ingram <INGRAM@USMCP6.BITNET>
= = = = = = =
From: physi-bq@garnet.berkeley.edu (Justin R. Bendich)
Subject: News Bulletin
Be on the lookout for a leopard which escaped from the zoo early this morning.
It was spotted near the corner of 12th and Cherry at around 8 AM, and in all
likelihood still is.
= = = = = = =
From: ezk@cunixf.cc.columbia.edu (Erez Zadok)
Subject: Sign of the Times.
This is a variant on an old joke as I understand it. I do not know who
wrote it originally. One day I found the first 3 lines on the whiteboard in
our CS department's lounge room, a few days later someone else added the
forth. I added the last line. It's probably the Quals Stress Syndrome. :-)
"To be is to do." <- Nietzsche
=> "To do is to be." <- Kant
=> "do be do be do" <- Frank Sinatra
=> "Yabba dabba doo" <- Fred Flintstone
=> "Dooooohhhhh!" <- Homer Simpson
= = = = = = =
From: enigma@bruce.cs.monash.oz.au (Steven Gardner)
Subject: a small light dawns...
Q: How many minimalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
= = = = = = =
From: rivett@cpsc.ucalgary.ca (Michelle Rivett)
Subject: Men vs Women
This joke was overheard on the bus. Source unknown
"If we can put a man on the moon ....
why don't we put them all there."
= = = = = = =
From: okunewck@psuvax1.cs.psu.edu (Phil OKunewick)
Subject: YALBJ
Q: How does an American change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't. He throws the lamp away and buys a new one.
(BTW - Disposable flashlights are usually Made In Taiwan.)
= = = = = = =
From: Paul.Gillingwater@actrix.gen.nz (Paul Gillingwater)
Subject: Original T-shirt message
Idea for a Zen T-shirt design (original):
"Enlightment Available: Enquire Within"
Also seen (but not original):
A T-shirt with a picture of the Immortal Bard (not Bart) on it, and
the caption:
"Will Power"
That leads me to the idea of a T-shirt with Bart Simpson on it:
"The Immortal Bart"
= = = = = = =
From: cichlid@portia.stanford.edu (David Neiman)
Subject: Haiku (from dt@yenta.alb.nm.us)
"Twice five syllables
Plus seven can't say much but
That's Haiku for you."
= = = = = = =
From: drc@beach.cis.ufl.edu (David Cabana)
Subject: three kinds of nuts
I heard this joke from a gentleman in one of my math classes.
Q: What do you have if there are nuts on the wall?
A: Walnuts.
Q: What do you have if there are nuts on your chest?
A: Chestnuts.
Q: What do you have if there are nuts on your chin?
A: A dick in your mouth.
= = = = = = =
From: bill@twwells.com (T. William Wells)
Subject: I didn't know that....
True:
While travelling near Tampa, Florida, we went by the "Jehovah's
Witness Assembly Hall"; on spotting this, my wife exclaimed: "so
THAT's where they make them!"
= = = = = = =
From: chas@sybase.com (chas)
Subject: original joke
The other day I put my wrists in front of my eyes. I had carpal tunnel vision
syndrome.
= = = = = = =
From: goldberg@turing.toronto.edu (Jody Goldberg)
Subject: Iraqi Language Barrier
TRUCE : from the iraqi meaning to reload
= = = = = = =
From: TCOMEAU@scivax.stsci.edu (Chairman, Von Neumann Catastrophe Relief Fund)
Subject: Soviet Humor: Societies in transition
What is the transition stage between capitalism and communism?
Alcoholism.
From "Suddenly, The American Idea at Home and Abroad", George F. Will,
1990, The Free Press, New York.
tcomeau@stsci.edu (Tom Comeau @ Space Telescope Science Institute)
= = = = = = =
Organization: Reuter:file Ltd.
From: loc@tmsoft.UUCP (Leigh Clayton)
Subject: Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.
From Sam Sexton, in Coventry:
At dinner yesterday I came up with the following definition of a good modern
Catholic - it caused quite a laugh and it was suggested that I submit it to
RHF. It's short and simple - no contraception on Fridays. /Sam
= = = = = = =
From: PATZNER@dbninf5.UUCP (Achim Patzner)
Subject: McDonalds (tm?)
Q: How do you find out if a Scot is a McDonald?
A: Lift his kilt; if you find a quarterpounder, he *IS* a McDonald.
english.827nick,
What do you get when you cross a computer and a prostitute?
A system that will always go down on you.
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwomen?
Snowballs.
_____________________________________________________________________
What do you call a girl with no arms and legs on the beach?
Sandy.
_______________________________________________________________________
What should you do in case of fallout?
Reinsert and take shorter strokes.
__________________________________________________________________________
english.828ndragan,
Q: who is the happiest clerk in the world?
A: pope. every morning he has the pleasure to see his boss crucified.
english.829lanik,
Q > what is the differance between the ST and the SPECTRUM ?
A > The midi ports !!!
english.830squsovac,
what does an insomniac, dyslexic and agnostic do?
he stays up all night wondering whether there is dog.
(osoba x)
english.831dejanr,
In Europe (the EEC) we appear to have diverged from American teaching in the
90'
1990's (EEC)
------------
A farmer produces, at a cost of $8, a bag of potatoes which used to sell for
$10 during the 1980's. However, he has produced so many potatoes that there
is no longer any demand, so he adds this bag to an ever increasing pile of
already rotting potatoes and the government gives him $14 in compensation.
Explain why social conditions were not ripe in previous decades for this
method of doing business to be effective.
-----
Ed Jones, Hemel Hempstead, Herts, England
english.832dejanr,
My brother and sister-in-law just had a baby. While visiting
them I noticed a chess clock in the nursery. My sister-in-law
explained that she uses it to equalize my nephew's nursing time
on each breast. They call it a CHEST clock.
english.833dejanr,
"Personal" ad in local paper: David G. Contact me soon! Bring three rings:
Engagement, wedding and teething. Have news. Debbie.
english.834dejanr,
(This occured to me while reading an article about Microsoft stock)
I've figured out why Microsoft joined the ACE coalition, agreeing to
port NT to the R4000 chipset:
Intel's 32-bit integer architecture is no longer enough to calculate
Bill Gate's net worth.
english.835dejanr,
From 'Operating System Concepts, 3rd Edition' by A. Silbershatz, J.
Peterson, and P. Galvin: In the section introducing
'multiprogrammming', the book makes an analogy to try to make things
clearer:
[..discussion of CPU switching from job to job instead of waiting for
I/O to finish on current job...]
"This idea is quite common in other life situations. A lawyer does
not have only one client at a time. Rather, several clients may be in
the process of being served at the same time. While one case is
waiting to go to trial or to have papers typed, the lawyer can work on
another case. With enough clients, a lawyer never need be idle.
(Idle lawyers tend to become politicians, so there is a certain social
value in keeping lawyers busy.)"
english.836dejanr,
Did you hear that JC Penneys is having a Pee Wee Herman sale?
All men's pants half off.
english.837dejanr,
Here are more snippets from the one liner file. While preparing RHF,
I collect short jokes that aren't quite worthy of an individual posting
in the one liner file. Every so often I put digests of these out to
the group. (Beware that some readers, such as NN, will mistakenly
present all these items in the digest as individual articles.
Undigestification is a stupid kludge, but you have to live with it.)
These short items may contain swearing, mature themes and stereotypes.
= = = = = = =
Organization: University of Maryland at College Park
From: dm@wam.umd.edu (Patrick R. Gold)
Subject: Ohio State Park
Heard on the CB while driving entering Ohio on Memorial Day:
"Welcome to Ohio State Park. Don't stop to feed the bears. If they get
hungry they will stop you."
= = = = = = =
From: RAVI@servax.bitnet (RAVI=SINGH)
Subject: Notices
This is probably old but here it goes.
N O T I C E
If you notice this notice, you will notice after
noticing this notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
= = = = = = =
From: bible@iastate.edu (tony bible)
Subject: Jesus, Joseph and Mary
Garrison Keillor told this on A Prairie Home Companion this past
weekend.
Jesus, Joseph and Mary were doing chores around their home in
Nazareth when suddenly Jesus ran outside to Joseph, and asked, "Did you call
me?" "No," Joseph replied, "I just hit my thumb with the hammer."
= = = = = = =
From: DDS4193@ceres.tamu.edu (Daryl D. Spillmann)
Subject: Golf expletives
This was told to me by my friend, Donn Vangsnes...
Q. What are three words frequently heard on a golf course, but never in a
whorehouse?
A. Bite, you cocksucker!
= = = = = = =
Organization: Reuter:file Ltd.
From: loc@yrloc.ipsa.reuter.com (Leigh Clayton)
Subject: Job Classes
Passed on from Peter Henderson, currently living in Germany.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a revision of a joke I originally heard on National Lampoon's album
"Radio Dinner", which was released in 1971 or 1972..
Because of the current epidemic, the Peruvian government has had to
re-classify its labour force as "white cholera" and "blue cholera".
/Peter
= = = = = = =
From: dve@zooid.UUCP (David Mason)
I just thought of this so it should be original.
Find the largest box you can mail, and mark on the outside
"EXTREMELY FRAGILE - MAY DISSOLVE IF SHAKEN." Then, mail the box
off, empty of course, to anyone you dislike.
= = = = = = =
Organization: Shared Systems Division, Motorola Canada Ltd., Toronto
From: murray@motto.UUCP (Murray S. Kucherawy)
Subject: Description of Apartheid
[Heard this from a friend.]
Apartheid: One man, one vote. Once.
- murray@motto.UUCP
= = = = = = =
From: erik@gogoman.sf.ca.us (Erik Fortune)
Subject: Father Knows Best
"When you're young, you ask your father all kinds of questions because
you think he has some special kind of Dad knowledge. Later you realize
that all he really knows is how to have sex with your mother."
-- Comedian Jake Johansen
= = = = = = =
From: bradley@cs.utexas.edu (Bradley L. Richards)
Subject: Earmuffs?
>From my girlfriend; I think she saw it on a European news group.
Q: Why do women have legs?
A: To keep your ears warm.
= = = = = = =
From: gnat@kauri.vuw.ac.nz (Nathan Torkington)
Subject: Penile Promises
[original]
"Promises are like penises: they are quick to come, hell to clean up after,
painful if broken, and they leave a bitter taste if swallowed."
= = = = = = =
Subject: so long and thanks for no state budget.
From: ST6267%SIUCVMB.CDALE.SIU.EDU@siucvmb.siu.edu (Jerome Grimmer)
Boy, the legislators in the US, esp. in Illinois. They are the only ones for
which the following can be said about them:
1. When a deadline is not met, they get overtime instead of canned.
2. They are only up for review every two years, or sometimes less often than
that, unless they really screw up, in which case #3 applies.
3. Except for the times they are up for review/re-election in #2 above, they
are really hard to get out of office, and sometimes even harder to find.
= = = = = = =
From: bentonh@tekig1.pen.tek.com (Benton Holzwarth)
Subject: Re: Ode to a Mammogram
In reading the Ode to a Mammogram, I remembered the
thought I had when I saw one of the machines in action:
Slam-Bam-Thank-You-Mammogram.
Benton Holzwarth
= = = = = = =
From: pec@newt.phys.unsw.oz.au (Peter (doesn't know much) Chun)
Subject: Avargadro
Avargadro's wife was a mole!!!!
(if you don't understand ask a chemist!)
= = = = = = =
From: monet01%umcvmb.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca (Gerry Howser)
Subject: Chicken coups
Heard on the local radio KJMO "Joke of the Day" 6/11/91:
Q: Why can you only have two doors on a chicken coup?
A: If it had four it would be a chicken sedan.
= = = = = = =
From: john@crcaus.UUCP (John R. Miller)
Subject: The Wright Stuff
Hard to believe the Iraq jokes haven't died down. But since they haven't,
here's one I believe to be original,smirk:
Is it true Iraqi tanks all have North Carolina license plates?
= = = = = = =
From: pjl2@cunixb.cc.columbia.edu (Paul J Landsberg)
Subject: Bad dream
Man on psychiatrist couch:
Last night I dreamt I had a harem....................all they wanted to
talk about was the relationship.
Source: Utne Reader cartoon.
= = = = = = =
From: db3q+@andrew.cmu.edu (Djamal Bouzida)
Subject: Simulation/Masturbation
Heard from a friend at lunchtime today:
"Simulation is like masturbation. The more you do it, the more you
think it's real."
= = = = = = =
From: hui@yrloc.ipsa.reuter.com (Roger Hui)
Subject: Here and There
Told to me by W.F. Appleyard many years ago.
Psychiatrist to therapy group:
Do we know why we are all here?
Eccentric genius:
Because we are not all there.
= = = = = = =
Subject: an oxymoron
From: acker@cs.utexas.edu (Liane Acker)
Hear a new oxymoron the other day:
Reagan memoirs
= = = = = = =
From: lupin@bogart.UUCP (Edward Lupin)
Subject: Bush jogging again
Heard on Paul Harvey News on 6/20/91:
George Bush is jogging again. He has to. Sununu has the car.
= = = = = = =
From: DEGROFF@intellicorp.com (Leslie DeGroff)
Subject: current, IBM and Apple
What do you get when you merge IBM and Apple
Blueberry Macs
I been moved to the orchard
370 Desktop release 7.0
mass market mainframes for the rest of us
= = = = = = =
From: tyg@caen.engin.umich.edu (Thomas Young Galloway)
Subject: Biblical computing
It's a well known fact that computing devices such as the abacus were invented
thousands of years ago. But it's not well known that the first use of a
common computer protocol occured in the Old Testament.
This, of course, was when Moses aborted the Egyptians' process with a
control-sea...
= = = = = = =
From: kann@uhura.cc.rochester.edu (Kirk M. Anne)
Subject: Another "I've ..." joke
I have truncated and I can't round up!
(My own, I think.)
= = = = = = =
From: Guy_Saffold@mindlink.bc.ca (Guy Saffold)
Subject: Life in Cuba
>From a local newspaper story:
A riddle making the rounds in Cuba:
"What is a sardine?"
Answer: "A whale after thirty years of revolution."
= = = = = = =
From: sauder@aplcen.apl.jhu.edu (EY Sauder clyde jeffr)
Subject: recursive humor
Thought for the day:
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
Jeff Sauder Johns Hopkins Universiy
= = = = = = =
From: CLBLACK@freh-01ms.adpc.purdue.edu (Chris Black)
Do you know what you call a beat-up Ragedy Andy doll lying face down
in a pile of rocks?
A Dirty Cotton Rock Sucker.
= = = = = = =
From: jv10+@andrew.cmu.edu (Jonathan Vaughan)
Subject: UMPIRE masculine deodorant spray
My mother-in-law reports seeing a new product, UMPIRE, in the masculine
hygiene deodorant spray section of the local mart. It promises to
prevent foul balls.
= = = = = = =
From: randy@ai.mit.edu (Randall Smith)
Subject: Politically correct label for men (slightly sexist, slightly lewd)
Came up with by a group of friends at dinner recently:
What is a politically correct term for men?
Vaginally disabled.
english.838dejanr,
Seen in "The Fusco Brothers," a wierd comic strip in the San Francisco
Chronicle (at least), Nov. 11, 1991:
Two people are in a car. They're lost, and the passenger is
looking at a map.
Passenger: "There's something on the right; it's narrow and it'll
take us back to where we were."
Driver: "Sounds to me like the Supreme Court."
english.839dejanr,
After the recent massive failure in New England, their fourth
since January 1990, ATT annouced a new customer service number
for affected customers to call in case of future problems:
1-900-Call-ATT
english.840dejanr,
The current issue of Prevention has as its cover story
How to Lose Weight Like "Magic"
english.841dejanr,
Bo knows Magic Johnson.
And he's worried.
english.842dejanr,
Heard on Q-99 FM in Roanoke, Virginia the day after the premier of
Michael Jackson's new music video,
"Didn't Pee Wee Herman get arrested for doing that same thing?"
english.843dejanr,
Here are more snippets from the one liner file. While preparing RHF,
I collect short jokes that aren't quite worthy of an individual posting
in the one liner file. Every so often I put digests of these out to
the group. (Beware that some readers, such as NN, will mistakenly
present all these items in the digest as individual articles.
Undigestification is a stupid kludge, but you have to live with it.)
These short items may contain swearing, mature themes and stereotypes.
= = = = = = =
Subject: How's That Again?
From: daugher@cs.tamu.edu (Walter C. Daugherity)
Cognitive dissonance: A "Save the Rainforests" bumper sticker on a
Mitsubishi.
= = = = = = =
From: rune.johansen@forskning.teledir.no (Rune Henning Johansen)
Subject: Mating.
From "Genetic Algorithms" by David E. Goldberg:
... people do not attempt to mate with cats, and frogs do not
attempt to mate with scientist (although the latter possibility
might result in a researcher who jumps to conclusions).
= = = = = = =
From: SCOTH%WMVM1.bitnet@vm.tcs.tulane.edu (Scott Hammer)
Subject: National Hot Dog Month
I though of this as I was listening to NPR this morning:
Apparently, July is National Hot Dog Month. If this is true, I imagine
there must also be National Hot Dog Awards. I can just imagine this.
Someone opens an envelope, looks at the contents and says: "And the
Wiener is . . . Oscar Mayer!"
-Scott Hammer
College of William and Mary
= = = = = = =
Organization: Spam Detection & Removal Squad, Austin, TX
From: bryan@cs.utexas.edu (Bryan Bayerdorffer @ Wit's End)
Subject: Devilish one-liner
If Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee.
= = = = = = =
From: SHEERAN@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu
Subject: volkswagon, rabbit, original
Anyone who has ever raised rabbits will appreciate the humor/dilemma implied:
Q. how many rabbits does it take to fill a Volkswagon?
A. two.
= = = = = = =
Organization: Megatek Corporation, San Diego, California
From: barto@megatek.UUCP (David Barto)
Subject: Marketing Hope
From a Marketing type:
Don't give me any technical reason why something can't be done.
If you really believed in the product you'd make it work.
= = = = = = =
From: hoosiers@u.washington.edu (Mary Loveless)
Subject: My mother's favorite recipe
Any others to add to this one?
Honeymoon salad: lettuce alone, with no dressing
= = = = = = =
From: libros@maxwell.physics.purdue.edu (Library Staff)
Subject: Pampers and Window Washing Fluid
Have you ever noticed that diapers can soak up a gallon of blue window
washing liquid but can't absorb one leak by a 6 month old girl? And
besides, how many times does a baby get wiper fluid down its pants?
--Ixabibble
= = = = = = =
Organization: Phillip's Philosophy Shop, Nashville TN
From: sophist@brainiac.raidernet.com (Phillip McReynolds)
Subject: Curses! Broiled again!
A source is a source, of course of course,
Unless, of course, the source is a curse;
And if, of course, the source is a curse,
Then a termcap entry's required.
= = = = = = =
From: sauder@aplcen.apl.jhu.edu (EY Sauder clyde jeffr)
Subject: motorcycle one-liner
Did you hear they've created a new cereal for Harley Davidson owners?
It's called Nut & Bitch.
Jeff Sauder sauder@aplcen.apl.jhu.edu
= = = = = = =
From: poole@emx.utexas.edu (Steve Poole)
Subject: Imagine that
Rita Rudner says she wasn't popular as a child. She only had
two friends.
They were both imaginary.
They played with each other.
= = = = = = =
From: EIVERSO@cms.cc.wayne.edu (Eric Iverson)
Subject: By and large
By and large, I'm glad I'm not bi and large!
--Eric
= = = = = = =
From: creiman@ncsa.uiuc.edu (Charlie Reiman)
Subject: Japanese Humor
I read this in the Chicago Tribune in an article about American-Japanese
relations. They reported that this joke is floating around Japan:
"America: A nice place to own, but I wouldn't want to live there."
= = = = = = =
From: deej@cadence.com (Jim Howard)
Subject: Pit bull joke
Source: "Kayla's mom".
Q: What has four legs an an arm?
A: A VERY happy pit bull!
= = = = = = =
From: john@iastate.edu
Subject: Sniglet
Original (as far as I know).
Evangelonging (e'van ja long ing),
The practice of (tel-)evangelists to emphasize a word by
stretching out the middle. (i.e., Ga-aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh-d)
= = = = = = =
From: eliot@dg-rtp.dg.com (Topher Eliot)
Subject: searching for a husband
I got this from an article in my local paper on the shortage of eligible males.
The quoted someone in Alaska as saying that up there, for a woman who wants
to get married "the odds are good, but the goods are odd".
= = = = = = =
Organization: 3M Health Information Systems, Wallingford, CT
From: palmer@hsi86.hsi.com (Mike Palmer)
Subject: Michael Landon
Just heard on the radio:
Michael Landon has just signed to do a new show for CBS.
"Little Box on the Prairie"
= = = = = = =
From: elrod@ocf.berkeley.edu (Edward L. Rodriguez)
Subject: Harvard men
The following was a favorite saying of a former boss, who went to Harvard
for graduate school:
"You can always tell a Harvard Man...but you can't tell him much."
= = = = = = =
From: warwick@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: Scanner For Sale
For Sale:
Hand scanner - only used twice.
(original)
= = = = = = =
From: andersj@jacobs.cs.orst.edu (Jim Anderson)
Subject: politically correct recycling (original)
From a corporate memo in the not too distant future...
All recycling bins designated for Colored Paper will be plainly
labelled for "Paper of Color"
= = = = = = =
From: miller@sctc.com (Steven M. Miller)
Subject: 3 dead chickens?
What do you call 3 dead chickens and a tractor that won't start?
The South Dakota state fair.
= = = = = = =
From: merlyn@iwarp.intel.com (Randal L. Schwartz)
Subject: something goofy
Line dropped from an early script of a popular Disney flick:
"Didn't there used to be more than eight of us, Hungry?"
= = = = = = =
From: ericco@ssl.berkeley.edu (Eric C. Olson)
Subject: french trains
From a friend quoting a french language book:
"French trains are possibly the finest in the world.
But they are not prefect -- we must share them with
the French."
= = = = = = =
From: mikej@vangogh.isc.shearson.com (Mike Johnston - (212)528-6023)
Subject: Computer toolkit
My personal computer "toolkit" consists of 1 hammer and 1 rubber. My motto,
"If you can't fix it, fuck it!"
MJ
= = = = = = =
Organization: Sun Microsystems
From: larry@skookum.canada.sun.com (Larry Phillips [Sun Vancouver FSE])
Subject: Rap songs
"Every time you hear a half decent rap song, some black guy starts talking over
-larry
"MsDos is to computing as Etch-A-Sketch is to art."
= = = = = = =
From: jwest@bbn.com (Jayne West)
Subject: One Liner: Dyslexic Rabbi
Q: What do you do for a choking dyslexic rabbi?
A: You perform the L'chaim Maneuver.
Original; I wrote it myself on 8/2/91 at approximately 10:30 PM in
Cambridge.
= = = = = = =
From: Kanef@charon.arc.nasa.gov (Bob Kanefsky)
Subject: riddled with bugs
[I think this is original, unless someone else has already thought of
it. By the way, my other submission (of 8/1/91) is original; I didn't
realize I was supposed to mark it as such until I got the auto reply,
since I don't subscribe. --Kanef]
Q: What's the main difference between what biologists call a "bug"
and what computer programmers call a "bug"?
A: Biological bugs reproduce very easily.
= = = = = = =
From: coar@nephi.enet.dec.com (Plenty mushrooms around here.. 06-Aug-1991
0831)
Subject: It's not that `it's a small world' that's the problem..
Windows are all the rage these days. It's just as I've always claimed:
the world just keeps getting more and more X-centric.
= = = = = = =
Organization: University of Southern California, Los Angeles, CA
From: ajayshah@alhena.usc.edu (Ajay Shah)
Subject: Topical joke, from Dave Letterman's show
q: What was John Sununu's least offensive ethics violation?
a: He used to make Dan Quayle wash his car.
= = = = = = =
From: markman@aristotle.ils.nwu.edu (Art Markman)
Subject: Greeting Card I'd like to see.
For someone turning 50:
They say that if something bothers you, you should think of it in
a new way.
So don't think of it as 50 years...
Think of it as 5/7 of the normal human lifespan.
english.844dejanr,
(Excerpts quoted from Sept 1991 issue of MacUser)
Q: ... Periodically the screen shakes. Can this harm the hardware? ...
Andy: ... And don't forget that, according to Apple's standard warranty card,
if technicians tell you, "Oh, they all do that," you're allowed to poke them
right in the eye. ...
Bob: Excellent advice. I disagree only on one point: I don't recommend going
around poking technicians in the eye. A better technique is to loudly proclaim,
"To h*** with this! I can buy an IBM clone and Windows 3 for one-tenth the cost
of a similarly equipped Mac!" I guarantee your Mac will be fixed on the spot.
Q: ... I get a message saying, "The Application has unexpectly quit (1)." ...
Bob: ... Of course, with Systems 6.0.7 and 7, Apple has replaced the
meaningless error-ID numbers (1, 2, 12, 25, and so on) with meaningless phrases
such as "Co-processor not installed," "Bus error," and the ever-popular
"Address error." Not only are these phrases meaningful only to people who
understand the internal architecture ... but they also often have nothing to do
with the cause of the problem.
english.845dejanr,
This really happened:
I was calling funeral homes getting information about making "pre-need"
funeral arrangements for an elderly relative. The woman I talked with
at [name deleted] funeral home, just across the street from St.
[mother of God's name deleted]'s Catholic Church told me, "...and that
cemetary requires a burial vault. Most of the cemetaries around here
now require a vault. The lowest price vault we have is $552. The most
popular one is $772 and it comes with a lifetime guarantee."
english.846dejanr,
I Made this up after we hired a programmer from Hewlett-Packard.
A programmer for Hewlett-Packard went to the doctor complaining
about pain in her wrists. The doctor poked and prodded her (with
cold instruments) for a while and issued of a prognosis.
"You have carpal tunnel syndrome, but its in its early stages.
You should be able to continue work, but you should give up
half of your programming."
"Which half? Writing memos about it or attending meetings about it?"
english.847dejanr,
This was circulated in and augmented by an MOIS class a few years
back.
Disclaimer to be used when purchasing software:
AGREEMENT AND LIMITED WARRANTY
This check is fully warranted against physical defects and poor
workmanship in its stationery. If the check is physically damaged,
return it to me and I will replace or repair it at my discretion.
No other warranty of any kind is made, neither express nor implied
including, but not limited to, the implied warranties of
Merchantability, Suitability for Purpose, and Validity of Currency.
Any and all risk concerning the actual value of this check is
assumed by you, the recipient. Even though I or my agents may have
assured you of its worth, either verbally or in written
communication, we may have had our fingers crossed, so don't come
whimpering back to me if it bounces.
The money, if any, represented by this instrument remains my
property. You are licensed to use it, however you are not allowed
to copy the original check except for your personal records, nor
are you permitted to give the money itself to anyone else. Neither
may you allow any other person to use the money. Remember, you may
have it in your possession, but it still belongs to me, and I'm
going to call on you from time to time just to keep tabs on it.
This agreement supersedes all others between us, including the
equally ridiculous one you have undoubtedly pasted on the back of
your packaging, or concealed somewhere in the middle of it. The
location of your version of this or any other covenant between us
is irrelevant to its inapplicability here. Only this one pertains,
and I really mean it. In fact, this one supersedes yours even
though yours may say that it supersedes mine. Why, even if yours
said it would supersede mine even if mine said it would supersede
yours even if yours said... Oh well. You get the idea.
You may decline this agreement by returning the uncashed check to
me within twenty-four hours. If you attempt to cash it, however,
you have implicitly accepted these terms. You may also implicitly
accept these terms by:
1) Calling my bank to inquire about the status of my account;
2) Thanking me at the conclusion of our business transaction;
3) Going to bed at the end of this or any other day; or
4) Using any toilet or rest room.
Please be advised that I have adopted a strict rubber-glue policy.
Any nasty thing that your lawyers say bounces off of me and sticks
back to you. Be further advised that you agree to pay my legal
expenses if I decide to sue you for violating this agreement or for
any other reason that might strike my fancy. Violations will be
punishable by fine, imprisonment, death, any two of the above, or
all three.
Thank you and have a nice day!
english.848dejanr,
John was driving his pickup down a country lane, when suddenly
a chicken darts out into the road in front of him. He's just about to
slam on his brakes to avoid the chicken when he realizes that the chicken
has sped on ahead doing about 30 miles per hour.
Amazed, he sped up to follow, but the chicken takes off faster
and faster. Finally the chicken screeches into a turn and goes into a
small farm. As he turns to follow, John notices that the chicken has THREE
legs.
He pulls to a stop in front of the farm house, and looking around,
notices that ALL the chickens have 3 legs.
He says to the farmer "THREE-legged chickens? Thats astounding!"
The Farmer replies "Yep, I bred 'em that way - I love drumsticks."
John: "Well, tell me, how does a 3 legged chicken taste?"
Farmer: "Dunno, haven't been able to catch one yet".
english.849dejanr,
I was asking my friend a serious question - I should have thought
a bit more before I asked.
>Neil, Do you know what happens to pids when they get too big.
>I know Process ids always get bigger, but what happens when
>they get bigger than 31 bits? Do they roll over? Do you know?
>Thanks, Eric.
The world stops and everyone dies. 2^31 is 2 billion (give or take a
few). At the rate of one new process per second, 60 per minute, 3600
per hour, 86400 per day, 31536000 per year, 315360000 per decade, it
will take 6.8 decades to reach 2^31. Let me know if you run into a
problem with this, I'll file a bug report. Neil
PS: Oh, you have to include a reproducible program for the bug report,
I guess that makes it tougher :-)
english.850dejanr,
In view of recent admonitions against jokes maligning any
class of people, I thought I'd put together some examples
of humor that are approved within the Tandem Values. Note
how these jokes arise from existing ones that are not
permitted, showing that humor can be found anywhere.
WRONG: Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
This joke is offensive to two classes of people, blondes and
coffee drinkers. It might also offend people who do not drink
coffee for religious reasons.
RIGHT: Why can't pigmentially-challenged individuals take a short
rest between job tasks?
Because the Mail Police are reading this joke.
WRONG: How do you kill a pink elephant?
This joke has many problems, as it is offensive to environmentalists,
vegetarians, and elephants of all colors. It also promotes racism
and classism among elephants, and, perhaps, among other species as
well. It should not be sent to the HUMOR sig for these reasons.
RIGHT: How do you address an elephant of any color whatsoever?
Ask the Mail Police for full instructions.
WRONG: How do you double the value of a Yugo?
This joke would not be allowed because it offends Yugoslavians,
other people affected by the strife in Eastern Europe, and goes
against the Communist belief system that material goods are
provided by the state for its populace and therefore should have
no monetary value whatsoever. Members of the bicycle-sig will
also feel uncomfortable because this joke encourgages automobile
use.
RIGHT: How do you improve a vehicle?
Confirm with the Mail Police that the vehicle is allowed
on Tandem Mail.
WRONG: An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a psychologist
are stuck in a burning building. Who gets out alive?
This message should not be sent because it encourgages classism,
elitism, and implies that those who study different disciplines
deserve to perish in a tragedy through no fault of their own.
Tandem Values require respect for all individuals in all jobs
they do.
RIGHT: Four Tandemites are stuck in a burning building. How do
you rescue all of them before it collapses?
First meet with the Mail Police to be sure no favoritism
is shown towards any group in whom is rescued initially.
WRONG: How do you make love to an <ethnic> woman?
There are so many reasons this joke is inappropriate for Tandem
mail that this memo cannot begin to catalog all of them. Hiding
behind the designator <ethnic> does not absolve the joke-sender
of sending abusive mail messages to protected groups, because it
is usually quite clear which group is being slandered. In any
event, the sobriquet <ethnic> implies that non-ethnics are in
some way superior, which goes against Tandem Values.
The joke also shows a lack of respect for women in two ways.
First, it implies that the teller and listener of the joke are
both male. No joke of that sort should be sent, because this
precludes women from feeling fully accepted at Tandem. Second,
it implies that the woman can only be satisfied one particular
way, and that this rests outside of her, i.e. she needs a man to
be complete. Finally, this joke excludes gays and lesbians since
it has a heterosexualist bias.
RIGHT: How does a Tandemite get satisfaction?
Have the Mail Police ensure no one is offending anyone else.
WRONG: What happens when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with
a dyslexic agnostic?
Jokes that demean religious groups are unacceptable. This includes
people who choose not to practice religion. Dyslexics are an
example of a handicapped class and should not be insulted.
This joke is offensive to creationists because it implies that
evolution proceeds due to inter-species mating habits. Members
of certain religious groups may also find these random matings
offensive to their belief systems.
RIGHT: Tell me the best way all religious groups can feel
comfortable working together at Tandem.
I'll have the Mail Police explain that to you right away.
WRONG: A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini.
Since a number of Tandem employees are uncomfortable with
the problems of alcohol, jokes should not be set in bars
or at social gatherings noted for alcohol usage.
RIGHT: A gorilla walks into a hardware store and orders a martini.
WRONG: An IBM salesman is stuck on a desert island.
Desert islands make reference to the recent Gulf War, and should
be avoided. It is also against Tandem values to make jokes about
the competition. Simply describing their products is all the
humor that's necessary.
RIGHT: An IBM AS/400 is set up in a room at 105 degrees
Fahrenheit (40 C). The Mail Police are called to
see if it crashes, which it probably will.
WRONG: Which doesn't belong, meat, wife, or blowjob?
Haven't you learned anything yet? This joke is sexist and
offensive to women and vegetarians.
RIGHT: Which doesn't belong, ethics, values, or Mail Police?
WRONG: A man's penis size doesn't matter, unless you're having
sex with him.
That doesn't mean you can make fun of men, just because they're
the dominant class. Besides, these jokes usually trigger a barrage
of anti-female ones, and then we're back to Lawsuit City.
RIGHT: A Tandemite's paycheck size doesn't matter, unless they're
arguing with the Mail Police.
WRONG: How many CNN reporters does it take to change a light bulb?
Tandem Values preclude mention of corporate entities, such as CNN
in this example. The whole category of light bulb jokes is also
contraindicated, as General Electric may choose to sue over
improper use of their product.
RIGHT: How many TTN reporters does it take to produce "First Friday?"
Wait a minute, the Mail Police want to be sure this isn't a
violation of something.
WRONG: What did Pee-Wee Herman say to Jeffrey Dahmer?
Can't you do anything right? It's "What did Jeffrey Dahmer
say to Pee-Wee Herman?" and the answer is "Stop playing with
my food."
english.851dejanr,
Forgive me if this is outside the submission criteria, but I can't seem to find
any.
Imagine for a moment if the computer revolution had occoured a decade or
so sooner. With all the power and chaos of the 60's, it's not to hard to
go further and pretend that
Computer Nerds Could Have Controlled Network Programming.
by Robert S. Coats
Gilligan's Island:
The Professor finds some rare binary coconuts that can be used to upgrade
the ROM in his bamboo clone modem to support X.25. After hours of effort,
he manages to establish a connection via his papaya-based VT 100 terminal
and satellite uplink with Telenet, but falls asleep from exhaustion.
Gilligan walks up and types "+++" then "ATH" and drops the line. The
Skipper beans him with a rock and finally loses it, his seafaring years
catch up with him and he starts making lewd remarks to Mary Ann about
playing Leisure Suit Larry IV together. Meanwhile, Mr. Howell finally
figures out how to work the ISDN set that was accidently dropped by a
passing JAL jet and has a heart attack when he hears via Dow Jones News
Retrieval that the stock market has soared above 3000 points. Ginger calls
CompuServe and E-mails some software developers in an effort to convince
them that she should would be a good model for MacStripPoker 2.0.
Eventually, all connectivity on the island is lost, when Gilligan
discovers an actor in a bad gorilla costume has shorted pins 2&3 on the
serial cable, and everybody on the island has just been echoing characters
to each other.
Beverly Hillbillies
Miss Jane tries to convince Mr. Drysdale to network all the PCs in the
bank, but, typically, he won't spend the money. Frustrated, Miss Jane
pleads with Jed Clampett to persuade Mr. Drysdale to "put in the LAN," but
Jed thinks she said "put in the ham." Jed then gets Granny to cook up a
dozen hams and has Jethro and Ellie Mae bring them to the bank. When they
arrive, everybody is out to lunch, so Jethro begins to distribute the
hams, but is frustrated when he can't get the coaxial cable to stay
attached to the ham bone. To further complicate matters, Ellie May has
brought along her pet goats, which begin to eat the ham and cable, causing
the the VAX to short out and force an emergency electronic fund transfer
of the Clampett millions to a competitive bank. As Mr. Drysdale is seen
chasing Miss Jane down the hall with a crazed look in his eye, swinging a
ham at her, Jed is heard to remark, "Weee-doggie! Why look at that Granny.
Mr. Drysdale is so happy about whut we done, he's gonna give Miss Jane her
own ham!"
The Brady Bunch
Peter uses Crosstalk Mk.4 to dial into the high school computer and,
through hacking tricks picked up from a local "adults only" BBS, is able
to access individual student's "permanent records." He scans through the
listings, then, using a clever keyboard macro, alters his completed
courses such that he won't be required to take English Lit again. However,
Jan is working in the school office at the time and is alerted to the
invasion by a diligent anti-virual TSR. She is then tormented with having
to decide to do the "right thing" or be loyal to her brother. Jan goes
home and talks to Alice, who says she should analyze all the factors and
then decide after using the new artificial intelligence software Mr. Brady
has recently installed on his '386 laptop. Jan tries to use the program,
but instead accidently deletes all the files in the Harvard Graphics
directory, leaving Mr. Brady to blow a presentation the next day. Mrs.
Brady finds out via Jan what happened, and forces Peter to write "I will
not hack into the school computer" 5000 times with EDLIN while the rest of
the family eats angle food cake on the patio.
The Mary Tyler Moore Show
Mr. Grant tells Mary to come up with some hard facts about all the
activity out in Silicon Valley. Mary grabs her Mac portable and jumps on a
plane west. Unfortunately, she leaves the Mac switched on and, due to an
undiscovered bug in the latest release of System and Finder, the hard disk
continually optimizes itself when no keyboard input is recorded for more
than five minutes. Needless to say, she has a dead Mac when arriving and
spends the next few hours trying to find a replacement. Meanwhile, Ted
begins his broadcast and notes that "We expected to have some good
information about Silicon Valley for this broadcast, but somebody had to
take a Mac and not a reliable laptop PC!" Frantic, Mary calls long
distance over crystalline fiber optic lines to get help from Rhoda, who
doesn't answer the phone because she is playing Bomber and has the
headphones on. However, Phyllis's snotty daughter is around and answers.
She listens to Mary whine, then hangs up the phone. Mary is last seen
violently flinging the Mac out a speeding taxi window while crossing the
Bay Bridge.
english.852dejanr,
I found this lurking in the examples/ directory of the Verdix Ada compiler.
-- UNIT: procedure HELLO
-- FILES: hello.a
-- COMPILE: ada hello.a
-- LINK: a.ld hello -o hello
-- PURPOSE: typical first program; use of TEXT_IO package in STANDARD library.
-- DESCRIPTION: prints "Hello, world." message.
-- Usage: hello
-- ..........................................................................
--
with TEXT_IO; use TEXT_IO;
procedure hello is
begin
put ("Hello, world.");
new_line;
end hello;
-- ..........................................................................
--
--
-- DISTRIBUTION AND COPYRIGHT:
--
-- This software is released to the Public Domain (note:
-- software released to the Public Domain is not subject
-- to copyright protection).
-- Restrictions on use or distribution: NONE
--
-- DISCLAIMER:
--
-- This software and its documentation are provided "AS IS" and
-- without any expressed or implied warranties whatsoever.
-- No warranties as to performance, merchantability, or fitness
-- for a particular purpose exist.
--
-- Because of the diversity of conditions and hardware under
-- which this software may be used, no warranty of fitness for
-- a particular purpose is offered. The user is advised to
-- test the software thoroughly before relying on it. The user
-- must assume the entire risk and liability of using this
-- software.
--
-- In no event shall any person or organization of people be
-- held responsible for any direct, indirect, consequential
-- or inconsequential damages or lost profits.
english.853dejanr,
A metaphor is like a simile.
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.
The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging
plant.
At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if
you eat less than you can.
The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.
Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how
it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.
I bought a portable cable tv.
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.
I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.
A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they
found was a pile of dust.
english.854dejanr,
Anonymously copied from the October issue of a popular magazine....
When her five-year-old daughter began asking questions about
the facts of life, the mother carefully explained how babies were made.
For several days, the child went over this fascinating new material
with her mother. "So the sperm from Daddy fertilizes the ovum from
Mommy and the baby is carried in Mommy's tummy."
"That's right, honey" her mother said.
"But how does the sperm get there?" she asked. "Does Mommy
swallow it?"
"if Mommy wants a new cocktail dress, she does," came the reply.
- Submitted by a shy comedien -
- CE -
english.855dejanr,
(This song is to be sung to the tune of "You've Lost That Loving
Feeling" by the Righteous Brothers. The words are original.)
You never pay me off any more when I pass your bills,
You know that for a price I would be your shill.
I'm trying harder to show it, lobbies,
But lobbies, believe me, I know it,
I need that lobby money
Oh, that lobby money
Give me that lobby money
Or I'm gone, gone, gone,
Dough-ough-ough
Lobby money, I get down on my knees for you.
If you would only pay me, like I want you to.
Please give me money for the next election day;
Don't, don't, don't let me slip away.
(two voices echoing, like Righteous Brothers)
Lobbies, (lobbies), lobbies, (lobbies), I beg you please,
(ple-e-ease), I need more dough, (I need more dough), So give me more
cash, (give me more cash).
Bring back my lobby money
Oh, my lobby money
Give me some lobby money
Or I'm gone, gone, gone
Dough-ough-ough
--Scott Cromar SUPPORT CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM
"Are you sure there are no hidden cameras up there?"
--Arizona Rep. Don Kinney, while stuffing $55,000 into a gym bag
"We all have our prices."
--Arizona State Sen. Carolyn Walker. Her price was $25,880.
english.856dejanr,
This really happened last week according to various net.sources.
Last week's anti-Bush protest in Portland, Oregon got violent.
As the police beat and arrested the protesters, people
yelled:
"Bad cop! No donut!"
english.857dejanr,
Received from a friend in Israel.
As seen on the local science net.
"Practice safe government -- use a kingdom."
Yehuda
english.858dejanr,
Jay Leno on Tonight's show,
"Russia, today is just the way the US was in the 50's.
They drive big cars, wear funny suits, watch black and white
TV's and they're afraid of communism."
"Ladies and gentleman, Lexus, the luxury car of the future, yeah,
yeah..., it was recalled because the cruise control wouldn't
disengage and the brake lights wouldn't turn off. Hey, who says
the Americans can't make cars as good as the Japanese, eh "?
english.859dejanr,
A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to
her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic
fart.
Trying to save face, she says to the waiter, "Sir! Please stop that
immediately."
"Certainly, madame," replies the waiter with a bow. "Which way was it headed?"
english.860dejanr,
Excerpt from "The Sunday Press", Dublin, 25-Aug-1991"
Apropos recent events, in case you're wondering what will become
of all the unemployed KGB men in the event of a change of regime in
the USSR, I was talking to a German friend recently and asked him
what had become of all the former Stasi secret policement of East
Germany.
"Oh they're all taxi drivers now", he said, "it was the obvious
solution".
"Why is that?", I asked.
"Simple", he said, "you just give them your name -- and they know
where you live."
english.861dejanr,
Found in _Maps of the Mind_, by Charles Hampden-Turner:
A man was hitchhiking across the country just prior to a
presidential election and had hit upon a technique for getting
free drinks in bars by guessing which candidate was less popular
and then loudly badmouthing them. He went into a bar in Colorado
and yelled, "Carter is a horse's ass!" To his surprise, he was
promptly thrown outside into the dirt. He picked himself up and
went into another bar, shouting, "Reagan is a horse's ass!" Seconds
later, he was eating dust again.
Seeing a cowboy nearby, he called out, "Hey, fella! If this ain't
Carter country and it ain't Reagan country, whose country is it?"
The cowboy replied, "Son, this is *horse* country!"
english.862gkod,
DEJANE DOSTA TIH GLUPIH VICEVA.
JA INACE SNIMAM NA HD PA MI TREBA MESTA ZA NESTO PAMETNO.
HVALA UNAPRED
GKOD
english.863dejanr,
>> DEJANE DOSTA TIH GLUPIH VICEVA.
Uradi CONF JOIN VICEVI i onda CONF RESIGN ENGLISH. I više ih
nećeš videti. A oni koje ti vicevi zanimaju će ih i dalje
čitati. Ukratko, svima lepo!
english.864gww.,
Ovde sam prvi put 'poginuo' a to je na samom početku i to u prvoj datoteci.
čelim vam ugodno veče ....
> (__)
> (oo) U
> /-------Đ/ /---V
> / đ đđ * đ--đ .
> * đđ----đđ
> žž žž
>
> Cow at 1 meter. Cow at 100 meters. Cow at 10,000 meters
>
cows.arjenglish.865gkod,
>>Uradi CONF JOIN VICEVI i onda CONF RESIGN ENGLISH. I vise ih
neces videti. A oni koje ti vicevi zanimaju ce ih i dalje
citati. Ukratko, svima lepo<<!
Hvala da mi nisi rekao nebi znao.
gkod
english.866bandit,
>>>> Uradi CONF JOIN VICEVI i onda CONF RESIGN ENGLISH. I vise ih
>> neces videti. A oni koje ti vicevi zanimaju ce ih i dalje
>> citati. Ukratko, svima lepo<<!
Ali ce se na tvoju veliku zalost English vicevi pojaviti u nekoj
drugoj temi (npr. mih!)
Johnny
english.867squsovac,
Od koga je medžik džonson dobio AIDS?
Od Davida Coperfilda! He is doing a magic!
english.868cacxa,
MAD'S GUIDE TO COMPUTER LANGUAGE :
----------------------------------
BIT:
A word used to describe computers, as in "Our son's computer cost quite a bit."
BOOT:
What your friends give you becaose you spend too much time bragging about your
computer skills.
CHIPS:
The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave
their keyboards for meals.
CURSOR:
What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform,
as in "You $#$%&@& computer!!!"
DISK:
What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven
hours at a clip.
ERROR:
What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just
look".
EXPANSION UNIT:
The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all
its peripherals.
FLOPPY:
The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and
a steady diet of junk food. (->see 'Chips')
HARDWARE:
Tools, such as lawnmovers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a
finger on since getting your computer.
MENU:
What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor
to eat in a restaurant.
PROGRAMS:
Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your
computer up to it.
RAM:
What you do to the side of your computer when it's not working properly.
RETURN:
What lots of people do with their computers after only a week and a half.
TERMINAL:
A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot
computers.
That's all folks!
english.869ndragan,
/ MAD'S GUIDE TO COMPUTER LANGUAGE :
nisam video nijedan nov MAD otkad sam kupio atari :) (kupio sam ih na istom
mestu istog sata :)
evo malo bon tona sa jedne CompuServe konferencije; ovo je samo rečnik, a
neke od ovih izraza smo već nalazili u deranovim vicevima sa biksne.
Acronyms
Many acronyms have also become standard -- mainly to save typing. Some of
the common ones are explained here. Any others you encounter, you'll have to
figure out for yourself, but once you've got the "trick" down, it's kind of
fun.
General CIS-wide acronyms:
BTW By the way
CIS Consumer Information Service (of CompuServe)
FWIW For what it's worth
IAC In any case (also IAE -- in any event)
IANAL I am not a lawyer
IMO In my opinion
IMHO In my honest/humble opinion (in the latter case a sure sign the
opinion
is not going to be humble at all)
IOW In other words
JIC Just in case
KOW Knock on wood
OIC Oh, I see!
OTOH On the other hand
PITA Pain in the "acronym"
POV Point of view
PPN Programmer project number, i.e., a CIS user's id#
RSN Real soon now (computer lingo for "don't hold your breath")
RTFM Read the f* manual (variously interpreted for public consumption as
read the fine manual, read the fabulous manual, you figure it out).
TIA Thanks in advance
TSR Terminate and stay resident program
WSYIWYG What you see is what you get
YA... Yet another .... (as in YAA -- yet another acronym)
Bue_ NDragan
english.870magician,
=> OIC Oh, I see!
OIS !
=> RTFM Read the f* manual (variously interpreted for public
=> consumption as read the fine manual, read the fabulous manual
=> you figure it out).
Or,
RTFM Read the fuckin' manual ;)
MAG
english.871zkrstic,
> => RTFM Read the f* manual (variously interpreted for
> public => consumption as read the fine manual, read the
> fabulous manual => you figure it out).
>
> Or,
> RTFM Read the fuckin' manual ;)
A mi mislili: Ili je "Read the funniest manual" ili "Read the finest manual"
Baš bejasmo u dilemi, čak i trilemi, zbog PPD, al' nam Vaša kratka nota
podari rešenje.
Srdačno zahvaljujemo.
english.872hercog,
Ovaj vic je poslala Sonja Prus :
The acoustics in this theatre are fantastic.
"Pardon"
english.873hercog,
Evo jos nekih viceva od Sonje Prus (sprus)
Banking:
Customer: And how do I stand for a $ 5,000 loan?
Bank manger: You do not - you grovel.
Belch (uzdriganje)
How dare you belch in front of my wife?
Why - was it her turn?
Cars:
I have got a two-tone car - black and rust.
Conversations:
My wife speaks through her nose.
Why?
She has worn her mouth out
That is a nice suit you are wearing - who went for the
fitting?
I did not come here to be insulted.
Why - where do you normally go?
Did he have a weakness for ladies?
No - a great strength.
Police:
Policeman:"Anything you say may be held against you"
Arrested writer: "Jane Asher"
english.874dejanr,
The headlines of the ``Gannett Suburban'' (Westchester, NY) Sunday edition:
``I'd rather die than withdraw,'' quoting Judge Clarence Thomas.
Wasn't it this kind of statement that got him in trouble to begin with?
english.875dejanr,
Some of the dregs and later comments on the Judge Clarence Thomas
affair in the USA.
= = = = = = =
Subject: what's this?
From: ronnie@cisco.com (Ronnie Kon)
Q: What is this: "Good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning,
good morning, nice tits, good morning, good morning"?
A: Clarence Thomas's first day at the Supreme Court.
= = = = = = =
Subject: Clarence Thomas
From: SYSMATT@ukcc.uky.edu (Matt Simpson)
Senator: Judge Thomas, could you please explain to us your opinion
on Roe vs. Wade.
Thomas: Senator, I haven't seen that one, but I loved Debbie does
Dallas.
= = = = = = =
Subject: Clarence Thomas, et.al.
From: lth00@juts.ccc.amdahl.com (Lawrence T Hardiman)
Heard at work, I think.
Clarence Thomas is alleged to have said:
Being called unethical by Ted Kennedy is like being called slimy by a snail.
= = = = = = =
From: prabhak@cs.umn.edu (Satya Prabhakar)
WASHINGTON STATE UNIVERSITY COURSE SCHEDULE Winter 1991
COURSE: ABSOLUTELY BASIC FUNDAMENTALS OF CROSS EXAMINATION
LECTURERS: Orrin Hatch and Arlen Specter (Guest Lecturers)
ENROLLED: Joe Biden, Ed Kennedy, Howell Heflin, Pat Leahy, Howard Metz
COURSE OUTLINE: # Why you should cross examine? How it may help you win the
case? What happens if you don't cross examine?
# Why not to ask stupid questions of an adversary witness?
(e.g., "You must be pretty outraged, Judge!)
# Why you should fierecely defend attacks on your own star
witness?
# Why you should attack your adversary witness?
# Recapitulation of absolutely basic fundamentals.
= = = = = = =
From: markh+@andrew.cmu.edu (Mark Held)
Original, of questionable taste.
Q: What do you get when you cross Clarence Thomas and Long Dong Silver?
A: The first throbbing member of the Supreme Court.
= = = = = = =
Subject: Headline Follies
From: dgross@viper.csc.calpoly.edu (Dave Gross)
Cal Poly's conservative newspaper, the Poly Review, took a stand
in its latest issue about the Clarence Thomas confirmation hearings.
Unfortunately, their headline may have given the wrong impression:
IRONY OF HEARINGS:
THOMAS SHOWS HE'S THE BIGGER MAN
= = = = = = =
From: djensen@claven.idbsu.edu (Dave Jensen)
Subject: Bush reveals truth about Clarence Thomas
Heard on radio news program while driving home just after the Thomas/senate
vote:
President Bush phoned Thomas to congratulate him...and among other
platitudes...said he was "an UNBELEIVABLE ROLE-MODEL for the nation."
Seems the truth comes out with when he doesn't use a script!
= = = = = = =
From: mad5c@kelvin.seas.virginia.edu (Michael DeLong)
Subject: A Bridge In Massachusetts
To my mind the most memorable exchange that occurred during the
Thomas hearings was when Sen. Simpson blew up at Sen. Ted
Kennedy's comment regarding Prof. Hill, saying:
"If you believe that, there's a bridge in Massachusetts I'd
like to sell you."
Dear Ted might well be President if not for a bridge in
Massachusetts, if you recall.
I think that this is the closest we've some to hearing the
word "Chappaquidick" on national television since the '80
Democratic Primaries.
(Simpson later apologised to Sen. Kennedy, saying that he meant
to say "Brooklyn".)
= = = = = = =
From: URANUS@brownvm.brown.edu
Subject: Clarence doth protest too much
It struck me during last week's hearings that Clarence Thomas seems the
sort of guy who would say just about anything to get himself off.
english.876dejanr,
At the water cooler, two women are chatting...
woman 1: I have a peculiar ailment. Whenever I sneeze I have an
orgasm!
woman 2: That's incredible. What are you taking for it?
woman 1: pepper
english.877dejanr,
I'm not sure I'm using this right, but if I am, here's a whole bunch
of viola jokes.
What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
A violin burns faster.
Why is a violist like a terrorist?
They both **** up bowings.
What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.
What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?
A dressmaker tucks up frills.
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and
a smoking crater where his house used to be. The cheif of poice comes over
to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house,
killed your family, and burned it down." The violist replied, "You're
kidding! The conductor came to my house?"
A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor
askes the violist, "What's wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe
loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, "I admit, that
seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you
crying?" To which the violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!"
The composition of a string quartet:
1 good violinist
1 bad violinist
1 really bad violinist who became a violist
1 chellist who hates all violinists.
Daniel M. Alt
Case Western Reserve University
english.878dejanr,
It seems that each week, you hear of yet another subsidiary being spun
off by Sun, and IBM forming another alliance with some smaller company. This
announcement crossed my desk today:
SUN ANNOUNCES NEW SUBSIDIARY; IBM TO PARTNER WITH DENNY'S
Sun Microsystems today announced the creation of yet another subsidiary,
bringing the total number of Sun wholly-owned subsidiaries to 1,207. After
successfully creating SunSoft, Sun Microsystems Computer Corporation, SunPICS,
SunConnect, and a number of other smaller firms, Sun has created SunLHMPPP.
SunLHMPPP is tasked with addressing the specific niche market of users that
require both left handed mice and a parallel printer port on their
workstations.
Howard Detwieler, president of SunPR, the public relations subsidiary of
Sun, explained the move: "We feel that a growing number of left handed users
are moving into the workstation world, and a lot of them have printers with
parallel ports. By creating this new company to meet their needs, left handed
users with parallel printers can be assured of specific, long term help from
Sun."
The firm is composed of six employees in an office down the hall from
Scott McNealy. The president of SunLHMPPP, Fred Testaverno, is bullish about
his target market. "We think that this will be a big, big profit opportunity
for Sun. Our initial research indicates that the left handed users with
parallel printers market is so big, we have begun the process of creating two
sub-subsidiaries, SunLHMPPP-LHM and SunLHMPPP-PPP. That way, we can meet the
needs of left handed users WITHOUT parallel printers. And vice versa.
Or both."
Sun Microsystems is a three billion dollar firm that produces a variety
of advanced computing hardware and software. Sun focuses on powerful solutions
to the big problems facing companies in the '90s: too many vice presidents, and
too few promotion slots in upper management.
In a related story, IBM has announced a long-term technology sharing
agreement with the Denny's restaurant chain. An IBM spokesman indicated that
the move is an indication of IBM's commitment to stay in business through a
series of increasingly pathetic consortium attempts. "Frankly, our competitors
are eating our lunch in this very competitive marketplace. With Denny's, we
can start serving lunch, and maybe stay ahead of the game."
Analysts welcome the move, pointing out that both firms mesh nicely. "IBM
has never been in the restaurant business, and the only computers at Denny's
are the cash registers. The two firms complement each other perfectly. Best
of all, both companies can retain the menu driven interfaces to their products
without confusing the end user!"
The first joint effort between the two companies will be an offering from
IBM involving expansion disk drives encased in an edible, pita bread housing.
Denny's will begin selling a Grand Slam Workstation, and will offer a free
memory upgrade to every customer on their birthday.
IBM is a multi-jillion dollar firm that used to sell a large number of
computers. They continue to stay in business, even though no one has met a
person who has actually purchased an IBM machine in the past five years.
english.879dejanr,
A friend of mine told me the other day that Sonny Bono was thinking of
running for the Senate in California. If Sonny Bono becomes Senator
Bono, does that mean we have to find a different nickname for Teddy
Kennedy?
NEW YORK (UPI) -- A creative session was held today at a major New York PR
firm, to formulate a new corporate message for Digital Equipment Corp. that
reflects the company's new direction promoting and supporting computing
industry standards. The shopworn phrase "Digital has it now" will be
replaced by a new tag line that is more contemporary, and is tied to DEC's
new adherence to industry standards.
"Digital's hip to the standards thing" will become the $11.5 billion
company's new-image slogan. In a radical departure from its traditionally
staid advertising approach, the company will produce a television ad
built around a rap music theme played out in a rapidly changing sequence of
office and engineering scenes.
In a parody of the commonly used product nomenclature, the video itself
is referred to as "a mythical Digital product called DECrap." The lyrics
to the rap video are:
"Digital's Hip to the Standards Thing"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I heard some news just the other day
It sounded kinda strange and I said, "No way!"
But I heard it again from another source
It mighta made sense and I said, "Of course!"
Now computer biz has a lotta confusion
'Cause operating systems abound in profusion.
But there's a whole new wave in data processing
Now that Digital's hip to the standards thing.
(chorus)
Digital's hip to the standards thing!
Digital's hip to the standards thing!
Way back when a long time ago
IBM owned the whole show.
But other dudes saw this proprietary mess
And formed committees to find out what's best.
Some went their own way and built their own software
But users were perturbed, "It's just a different nightmare."
So they got together to look over the picks
Put their down their money on good 'ol UNIX
(chorus)
Digital's hip to the standards thing!
Digital's hip to the standards thing!
Now Digital always kept their users in mind
And pushed VMS as the best of the kind.
A lotta folks agreed but kept askin' for
UNIX support, "We gotta have more!"
Soon DEC saw the light and decided to give
UNIX to the masses, (sorta live and let live).
So DEC's ridin' the wave ahead of the rest
On a backplane bogie board on top of the crest.
No doubt about it DEC's sprouted its wings
'Cause Digital's hip to the standards thing.
(chorus)
Digital's hip to the standards thing!
Digital's hip to the standards thing!
english.880dejanr,
A friend is someone you call to help you move.
A best friend is someone you call to help you move... a body.
(Heard at Catch A Rising Star in NYC)
english.881dejanr,
This quiz is dedicated to all of those people who find themselves
constantly roaming the net. Do you leave yourself logged in
twenty-four hours a day, even when you're not home? Is your
wpm typing speed higher than your IQ? Are you having trouble seeing
things at distances greater than 2 feet? Yes, YOU. You know who
you are.
Ok... shall we begin? Yes? 5 points... (you could've backed out.)
Unless otherwise stated, point values are as follows: 2 for (a), 4 for
(b), 6 for (c), and 10 for (d).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
1) How many valid net addresses do you have?
Multiple machines at the same site do not count.
____Internet ____UUCP ____Other public access ____Other
____Bitnet ____Freenet ____Internet BBS ____All seven
(2 points each)
2) How many hours did it take for you to create your .sig?
a) Huh?
b) More than one
c) More than five
d) I'm still looking for a really funky quote
3) On an average working day, how many email messages do you receive?
a) Nobody sends me any mail... snif
b) Three, but they're all from Lester in the next cubicle
over, because he has nothing better to do
c) I can't count that high, I failed calculus
d) Don't ask me now, I'm too busy. Send me e-mail.
4) Alright, fess up. Have you ever read alt.sex.bondage just to
see what the heck those perverts were talking about?
a) Yes, and I'm so ashamed
b) Yes, and I'm so embarrassed
c) Yes, and would you please explain a few things to me...
d) No, never. (10 points. You're lying.)
5) Have you ever met one of your past SO's (significant others)
via a computer network?
a) No
b) Yes, through a newsgroup we both posted on
c) Yes, by chatting randomly over the Internet (shame!)
d) Yes, by chatting over RELAY
6) Once you've logged onto your system, what do you spend most
of your time doing?
a) Going through the library system and putting books on reserve
b) Reading _Alice in Wonderland_ in the online bookshelf
c) Reading the monthly postings on rec.humor.funny
d) Writing up stupid quizzes because you've done everything else
7) If someone were to telephone your home at any given moment of the
day, what would be the percent chance that your phone would
be busy?
a) Zero... I've got call waiting
b) 25%.... I only dial in from work (Uh, hi, boss)
c) 75%.... Duh, so that's why nobody ever calls me
d) Zero... My modem has a separate phone line
8) Which usenet newsgroups do you spend the most time reading?
a) The comp. groups... because they're so informative
b) The soc. groups.... because they're so multicultural
c) The rec. groups.... because they're so diverting
d) The alt. groups.... because I don't know what half those
words mean
9) What's your worst complaint about having an Internet account?
a) I have to pay $5/month for it
b) The damn sysadmins won't give me enough quota to hold
all my .gif's
c) All those programmers keep tying up the modem lines
d) I have to stay in school to keep it
10) Check your watch now. What time is it?
a) 10 am... coffee break
b) 3 pm.... General Hospital's on
c) 12 am... one last login before I hit the sack
d) 4 am.... Oh my God, I've got a test tomorrow
ALRIGHT, GUYS. SCORING TIME.
0-25 points: You're not a nerd. Go read a manual or two and come back
next year.
25-50 points: You're an up-and-coming Internet nerd. Why don't you
telnet over to 128.6.4.8 and play around with the Quartz
BBS for a while.
50-75 points: You're a full-fledged Internet nerd. Join the club.
75-100 points: You're an Internet addict. Try going to the library
this week, it'll do you some good.
100+ points: You're an Internet obsessive-compulsive. Unplug your
computer, go out in the woods for a few days, and relax.
Lay back and listen to the birds singing. Clear your mind.
And don't forget to unsubscribe yourself from all those
lists before you leave.
---- written by slewis@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Sarah Lewis) in a moment
of extreme boredom. Disclaimer: OSU doesn't know I wrote this, and
it's probably better that way. Sigh. Time to hit the books....
english.882dejanr,
I run a computer-taught course on Canadian income tax law, on a
system which allows students to record comments at any time.
One paragraph of the material reads:
> A surtax is an additional "tax on the tax", which is enacted
> ostensibly as a temporary measure to raise revenue. (The income
> tax itself was a temporary measure when it was introduced in 1917,
> but that's another story.)
To which a student recently commented:
> The federal tories are a temporary measure introduced in 1984.
David Sherman
The Law Society of Upper Canada
english.883dejanr,
I heard this joke from my husband.
Q: Honey, would you still love me if I were burned beyond all recognition?
A: I'd love you MORE!
english.884dejanr,
Here at Cal Poly we have the great honor (!) of having a
PS/2 AIX cluster with an IBM 3090 as a fileserver (to be
fair, it does many other chores, but this is the primary
use for students.)
The following list is "what really happens" when it goes
down for preventive maintenance every other weekend. It
was posted locally by Allan Schaffer, who resides at
polyslo.csc.calpoly.edu.
abp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Top 25 things done when AIX is taken down for maintenance: (Revision 2)
25. Let the heads cool
24. Replace the air filter
23. Re-gap the spark plugs
22. Send another installment of hush money to IBM
21 Change the transmission fluid (for network connections)
20. Create another no-traffic newsgroup
19. repaint the cover blue
18. Shine the chrome bumpers and tail fins
17. Put the cat out
16. Change the litter box (/lost+found)
15. Dust off the mouse, change mouseballs (twist-off method)
14. Re-grease the hamster treadmills
13. Check for burned out vacuum tubes
12. Remove any jammed punch cards
11. Take moths out of relays (de-bugging)
10. Replace the control rods
9. Park the heads
8. Remove bananas from exhaust pipes
7. Feed the Keebler network gnomes
6. Put in a new batch of sysadmins
5. Put out some martinis for when we're done
4. Pad the MOTD with a few more lines
3. Do some laundry
2. Alert BORG Central Command
and then, once we're all done...
1. Boot DOS from a floppy
Allan
--and the CSL peanut gallery
[all in good fun... If this offends you, you've worked for IBM too long] :-)
english.885dejanr,
A man went to one of those official government buildings to get a
driver's license. After waiting in lines all day, he became rather
peeved when he finally got to a clerk.
"I need a fuckin' license," the man mumbled.
"I'm sorry, I didn't hear you," the clerk said, "did you say you
needed a hunting license?"
"No," said the man, "I just need an ordinary fucking license."
"Oh," said the clerk, "you mean you need a license to fuck."
The man was astonished for a moment, and finally asked "Is there
really such a thing?"
"Of course there is," said the clerk, "It used to be called a marriage
license, but the politically-correct term now is 'a license to fuck.'"
The man was quite surprised to hear this, and forgetting his odyssey
in search of a driver's license, he decided that he would never
believe that there was such a thing as a license to fuck, unless he
saw it for himself.
"Well, yes, that's what I want," he told the clerk, "I want to get a
license to fuck. Where do I go to get it?"
"Go down this corridor and into the second room on the right," said
the clerk.
So the man followed the instructions and went into a large room with
many people, most of whom were police officers, waiting in a long line.
For a while he unsuccessfully looked around for a sign that would
satisfy his curiosity about the license to fuck, and he began to
think that the clerk was joking, but then he realized how absurd that
thought was. He knew he could never be satisfied unless he found out
whether there really was such a license, so he timidly approached a
rather pleasant-looking police officer at the end of the line, and
asked, "Excuse me, sir, but is this the line for the license to fuck?"
"No," said the officer, "that line is over there. This here is the
line for the license to kill."
english.886dejanr,
Original: If a train-station is where a train stops
what happens at a workstation?
Reply: Unless the trains accumulate, they must also start at the station.
However, we know that using the above logic work cannot start at a
work station as frequently as it stops because there is always
significant accumulation at one!
Roger Brook, Michigan State University
english.887dejanr,
To whom it may concern:
Here is what I came up with, what I even lost sleep over (the concept
popped into my head around midnight, and I was striving make mine as good
as the originals). Some are good; some are bad; all are mine.
The Jungle Fever Book
Bill & Ted & Carol & Alice's Excellent Adventures
Singin' in the Purple Rain
39 Step-mothers Are Aliens
My Darling, My Hamburger Hill
Little Orphan Tate (Little Man Annie?)
Whatever Happened to Three Men and Baby Jane?
Guess Who's Coming Late for Dinner
Adventures in Babysitting Bill and Ted
Sound of the Music Man
Children of a Lesser Corn God
St. Elmo's Firestarter
Backdraft to the Future
Angelheart at My Table
Hunt for Red Sonja
Spaceballs the Odyssey
Who's That Valleygirl?
Meaning of the Life of Brian
Harold & Micki & Maude
Code of Silence of the Lambs
Back to the Futureshock
Stand and Deliver by Me
Valley of the Gods Must Be Crazy
Lord of the Flies of Discipline
The Breakfast Club of Tiffany's
I guess that's all for now. I'd like the feedback to be as human as
possible, as this is my first attempt at (indirectly) posting. I am just now
entering the technological era, and would like some guidance.
english.888dejanr,
Bill Kirby of the Gwinnett Daily News, Duluth, Ga., passes this one
along:
An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a
living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000.
The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back
home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed the
older man a $50 bill.
The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you
know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't
spend it on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license
to legally marry your Ma."
"Pa!" the young man stammered, "do you know what that makes me?"
"Yep," said the old man fingering the $50, "... and a cheap one, too."
english.889dejanr,
<A collaboration with Marc McDonald>
What's the difference between a lawyer and a pothole?
None, except that nobody runs over the same pothole twice.
english.890dejanr,
<from Richard Buchmiller>
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber
arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a
while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as
a doctor!". The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
english.891dejanr,
Last night, it was reported on the news that British insurance
companies were on the hook for 20 million pounds as an accidental
death benefit for Robert Maxwell, and weren't buying the Spanish
inquest's story of death due to misadventure complicated by heart
attack. The story in the British newspapers is that the death must be
suicide, because there is no medical evidence of heart trouble.
The insurance company story is rapidly gaining credence in Britain,
because no one respects the Spanish inquisition.
english.892dejanr,
This joke was told to me as an example of the "synthesist" personality
type. That is, a joke so weird that no one in his right mind would think
it funny except the minority personality archetype.
********
A woman was sitting at an elegant dinner. Across from her, a man
in neat black tie and tux was carefully piling stewed carrots on top
of his head. She watched him for a while in horror until she could
stand it no more. "Sir," she finally asked. "Why are you piling
carrots on your head." He looked back at her, shocked. "Carrots?"
he exclaimed. "I thought these were yams!"
english.893dejanr,
At this time of year one often finds high stress levels among
graduate students here at Madison, since we're enjoying the
screening exams process. Students who want to pursue doctoral
degrees must pass a set of difficult exams in computer science
within a certain time period. We must pass one depth (four
hour) exam, and two breadth (two hour) exams in different
subject areas.
One of my friends came up with a great way to apply his
nervous energy (and cynical wit), which was to write this
wonderful parody of an Operating Systems screening exam.
Some of the humor is particularly poignant to people familiar
with the particular exam, since the questions are recognizable
twists on topics that seem to always come up. For example,
Question 1 is about the paper "On the Duality of Operating
System Structures" by Lauer and Needham, [Proc. 2nd Int'l
Symposium on Operating Systems, IRIA, October 1978]. And
Question 8 is clearly about the controversy over whether
network file servers should be stateless or maintain state.
Even without this "inside" knowledge, this exam is very funny.
My friend is shy about posting this himself, but I think it
deserves a wide audience, so I twisted his arm until he agreed
to let me submit it.
Computational Pedantry
Instructions:
For the BREATH exam: Answer any 4 of questions 1-6.
For the DEATH exam: Answer any 6 of questions 1-6, and any 5 of
questions 7-10. You are expected to spend about two hours on each
fifth of the exam. You are allowed to spend about two hours on
each half of the exam.
BREATH QUESTIONS
Breath 1. Duolity:
In principle, Batman/Robin and Electrawoman/Dynagirl superheros
should have similar power and performance. In practice, most
Batman/Robin TV programs have achieved better popularity than
Electrawoman/Dynagirl programs.
(2a) Describe two opportunities for tasteful dress or believable
plot offered by a typical Batman/Robin program that are not
offered by a typical Electrawoman/Dynagirl program. Explain
why these optimizations occur more often in the Batman/Robin
programs.
(2b) Describe how advertising buffers between episodes may be
implemented in a Batman/Robin program with strictly premium
channels.
Breath 3. Resource Management:
Every resource management system needs protection against overuse
or abuse of the resource. Three general strategies are preven-
tion, avoidance, and detection & recovery.
(3a) Describe these strategies, carefully distinguishing between
them, and give an example of each.
(3b) Give specific arguments for and against applying the detec-
tion & recovery strategy mentioned in N. Wirth's paper "Pro-
gram Development Through Stepwise Refinement."
Breath 5. Encryption:
Pbafvqre n flfgrz jurer vagrecebprff pbzzhavpngvba vf ivn
zrffntrf. Nyy zrffntr pbzzhavpngvba orgjrra znpuvarf vf
rapelcgrq. Gur rapelcgvba shapgvba pna or cynprq ng nal bs
frireny yriryf va gur flfgrz. Qrfpevor gur nqinagntrf naq qvfnqi-
nagntrf bs rnpu bs gurfr nygreangvirf.
(5a) Rnpu xreary vf erfcbafvoyr sbe rfgnoyvfuvat n frpher punaary
gb rnpu bgure xreary gb juvpu vg gnyxf.
(5b) Rnpu cebprff vf erfcbafvoyr sbe rfgnoyvfuvat n frpher punaary
gb rnpu bgure cebprff gb juvpu vg gnyxf.
(5c) Gur argjbex freivpr cebivqref (tngrjnlf, ebhgref, rgp.) ner
erfcbafvoyr sbe rfgnoyvfuvat frpher punaaryf.
DEATH QUESTIONS
Death 8. Tasteless/Tasteful Hosts:
A so-called tasteless host is one that does not maintain any
information about guests between parties. For this question,
assume parties are not replicated (no party is held in more than
one veranda).
(8a) How would you accomplish catering with a tasteless server?
(8b) How does recovery from guests trashing the lawn at a taste-
less host party differ from recovery at a party that main-
tains open invitations?
(8c) Consider a tasteless server where you have multiple guests
wanting to speak simultaneously to a given host. How can you
enforce consistency of access such that all eats and bytes
from the server appear to obey some serialization? What are
the performance ramifications of providing such consistency?
Death 9. Synchronization:
(9a) Briefly describe the principal differences between "doing
lunch" and "you MUST call me" primitives.
(9b) Describe problems which arise when distance vector routing
algorithms are used and how these may or may not be corrected
by "doing lunch."
(9c) How have the presence of hall monitors affected development
of these primitives?
Death 10. Distributed Shared Memory:
A single virtual address space can be supported simultaneously
across the (homogeneous) processors of a collection of worksta-
tions distributed across a local area network.
(10a)
Implement such a scheme.
(10b)
Integrate your scheme into the following three kernels, and
give performance estimates on the modified systems:
(1) UNIX
(2) OS/360
(3) THE
english.894dejanr,
Original work written by Stephen Kroese
As I was walking down the street the other day, I noticed a man working
on his house. He seemed to be having a lot of trouble. As I came closer,
I saw that he was trying to pound a nail into a board by a window --
with his forehead. He seemed to be in a great deal of pain. This made me
feel very bad, watching him suffer so much just to fix his window pane.
I thought, "Here is an opportunity to make someone very happy simply by
showing him a better way to do things." Seeing him happy would make me
happy too. So I said, "Excuse me sir, there is a better way to do that."
He stopped pounding his head on the nail and with blood streaming down
his face said, "What?"
I said, "There is a better way to pound that nail. You can use a
hammer."
He said, "What?"
I said "A hammer. It's a heavy piece of metal on a stick. You can use it
to pound the nail. It's faster and it doesn't hurt when you use it."
"A hammer, huh?"
"Thats right. If you get one I can show you how to use it and you'll be
amazed how much easier it will make your job."
Somewhat bewildered he said,"I think I have seen hammers, but I thought
they were just toys for kids."
"Well, I suppose kids could play with hammers, but I think what you saw
were brightly colored plastic hammers. They look a bit like real
hammers, but they are much cheaper and don't really do anything," I
explained.
"Oh," he said. Then went on, "But hammers are more expensive than using
my forehead. I don't want to spend the money for a hammer."
Now somewhat frustrated I said, "But in the long run the hammer would
pay for itself because you would spend more time pounding nails and less
time treating head wounds."
"Oh," he said. "But I can't do as much with a hammer as I can with my
forehead," he said with conviction.
Exasperated, I went on. "Well, I'm not quite sure what else you've been
using your forehead for, but hammers are marvelously useful tools. You
can pound nails, pull nails, pry apart boards, in fact every day people
like you seem to be finding new ways to use hammers. And I'm sure a
hammer would do all these things much better than your forehead."
"But why should I start using a hammer? All my friends pound nails with
their foreheads too. If there were a better way to do it I'm sure one of
them would have told me," he countered.
Now he had caught me off guard. "Perhaps they are all thinking the same
thing," I suggested. "You could be the first one to dicover this new way
to do things," I said with enthusiasm.
With a skeptical look in his bloodstained eye he said,"Look, some of my
friends are professional carpenters. You can't tell me they don't know
the best way to pound nails."
"Well, even professionals become set in their ways and resist change."
Then in a frustrated yell I continued, "I mean come on! You can't just
sit there and try to convince me that using your forehead to pound nails
is better than using a hammer!"
Now quite angry he yelled back, "Hey listen buddy, I've been pounding
nails with my forehead for many years now. Sure, it was painful at first
but now it's second nature to me. Besides, all my friends do it this way
and the only people I've ever seen using 'hammers' were little kids. So
take your stupid little children's toys and get the hell off my
property."
Stunned, I started to step back. I nearly tripped over a large box of
head bandages. I noticed a very expensive price tag on the box and a blue
company logo on the price tag. I had seen all I needed to see. This man
had somehow been brainwashed, probably by the expensive bandage company,
and was beyond help. Hell, let him bleed, I thought. People like that
deserve to bleed to death. I walked along, happy that I owned not one
but three hammers at home. I used them every day at school and I use
them now evey day at work and I love them. A sharp pain hit my stomach
as I recalled the days before I used hammers, but I reconciled myself
with the thought that tonight at the hammer users club meeting I could
talk to all my friends about their hammers. We will make jokes about all
the idiots we know that don't have hammers and discuss wether we should
spend all of our money buying the fancy new hammers that just came out.
Then when I get home, like every night, I will sit up and use one of my
hammers until very late when I finally fall asleep. In the morning I
will wake up ready to go out into the world proclaiming to all non-
hammer users how they too could become an expert hammer user like me.
Stephen Kroese
stevek@ceco.com
english.895dejanr,
A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is
persuaded to have a medical exam first.
"Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit", he says
to the doctor.
"O.K.", says the medic, "let me see your sex organs."
So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.
english.896dejanr,
Here is my press release for the world's first Computer-Aided Religion.
August 13, 1990
Dear Friendly Friend:
How many times have you wanted to fill that yawning spiritual void in
your life but just weren't able to find the time or the energy? How
often have you wanted to form a more personal relationship with a Higher
Authority but just couldn't get turned on by that same old tired
selection of Supreme Beings? Haven't you ever wished there was just one
religion out there that understood you, Friendly Friend, that indulged
you, one that fit in with your creative, dynamic lifestyle? Well, at
last, thanks to the Creators of Wauism, there is. Finally, there's a
faith that works for you, Friendly Friend, instead of the other way
around. After all these years, and following an in-depth market
research study, Wauists Worldwide (A full-service non-profit agency not
affiliated with CBS International) has come up with a religion that
draws upon the best features of some of the world's most popular
denominations, but goes them all far better!
Yes, Friend, that's right! Wauism is everything some religions are and
much, much more. It's not just a job, it's an adventure; it's a breath
mint, and a candy mint; it's everything you always wanted in a God and
less. Designed using the latest in CAR (Computer-Aided Religion)
technology, here's just a few of the features Wauism offers:
1. Guaranteed Salvation. Guaranteed. Other religions
require you to behave a certain way in the here-and-now in order to make
out in the hereafter; with Wauism, you can do whatever you want, because
your salvation is guaranteed! Wauism realizes you've got enough to
worry about in life without having to be nervous about where you're
headed after you die, so relax! As a Wauist, death means never having
to have said you're sorry. Whatever Heaven you want is yours; or if
you'd rather just be dead, that's fine, too.
2. Your Choice of Supreme Being. No more arguing about
who's more all-powerful, Jesus or Mohammed, Buddha or Joseph Smith. Stop
fighting about whether Allah could take The Holy Ghost in a wrestling
match. End the endless bickering over whether the Supreme Diety is a He
or a She. With Wauism, you can choose. Using the patented Godolyzer,
you make God in your image. Combine Jesus' hairdo with Mother Nature's
eyes. Add the musical flair of Krishna to the sexual swagger of
Zoroaster. You want a Lord who vengeful but also knows how to rock? No
problem. Using the Godolyzer, with or without the templates provided,
you make the call.
3. Eat Whatever You Want. Remember fishsticks on Friday?
Or how about unleavened bread? And who--try as they might--can forget
"bitter herbs?" Well, now, thanks to Wauism, you can. As a Wauist,
you'll never have to tongue another eucharist wafer off of your palate
or nurse another hangover brought on from sacramental wine again. Glut
your maw however you'd like, whenever you'd like. Eat all you want,
just want all you take.
4. More Efficient Commandments. Some religions take as
many as Ten Commandments to lay down their laws. Wauism, using the
latest in data-compression techniques, has significantly reduced the
number of Commandments and has also managed to dramatically decrease
their stringency. Think of them simply as a Couple of Suggestions, and
if you'd rather not, hey, Friend, that's quite all right, too.
5. No Sexual Taboos. Has anything turned more people away
from the power above the heavens than the power below their waists?
Wauism doesn't have the problem, because as a Wauist, you
Friendly Friend, can stick or get stuck however you want with whom or
whatever you want whenever or wherever you want. As long as no one gets
hurt--or just if they want to--Wauism says have fun. And be safe.
6. More and Better Holidays. Even the most fun-loving
religions usually have only half a dozen or so major holidays a year.
And often several of these are days of atonment or fasting. Wausism, on
the other hand, features a full complement of 365 full-scale religious
holidays a year! 366 for leap year. And all include presents and
feasting.
7. No Hazing Rituals. No hitting with sticks. No
drenchings in water. No knives aimed at your privates. Need we say
more?
8. No Annual Fee. Because of low overhead (no Gothic
cathedrals to keep up, no sacred texts to maintain, no Crusades to
mount) Wauism is offered to you entirely free! A letter now and again
would be nice, but hey, don't sweat it.
9. 100% Compatibilty. Wauism does not require you to
change or upgrade any of your existing religious or sectarian beliefs.
It is in no way mutually exclusive. You can be a Wauist and anything
else you want, too--even Republican.
10. Quit at Any Time. No forms to fill out, no messy dyes
to spill, no one will call you. You can be a Wauist one day and
something else the next. Change hourly if you'd like. By the second if
you'd prefer. Or, be a Wauist forever. It's entirely up to you. So,
there you have it, Friend, in a nutshell--a pistachio to be exact. With
Wauism, you get all the plusses of other religions with none of the
minusses. It's like having your cake and eating it, too. Heck, it's
like owning the whole bakery! And because you, Friendly Friend, are
who you are, and only sometimes somebody else, you have been selected to
participate in this charter membership offer. As a Wauist, you'll enjoy
the benefits of the world's only computer-designed faith as well as the
peace of mind of knowing if the Armageddon does come, it's not your
fault!
So, join today and start receiving the benefits immediately. All you
have to do is whatever you want. Make no phone calls unless you feel so
inclined. Write no letters unless it strikes your fancy. Send no money,
unless you want to.
Be a Wauist or don't be. You are still surrounded in a cone of love.
Sincerely,
D.A. LeTang Wauist
P.S. This offer never expires, relax and breath deep.
english.897dejanr,
A friend of mine sent this to me in the mail from the Albany area. I
have no clue where this was originally published, or when but it looks
like an on-campus thing.
---------------------
The Inter-Dwarf Memo Service
Compiled by Robb Perlman
--------------------
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Fellow Dwarves
From: Doc
Re: S. White
If that bitch cleans one more
thermometer with Ajax, I'm gonna kill
her. I'll give her apples, nice big
apples. With surprises inside. Yeah,
surprises.
--------------------
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Fellow Dwarves
From: Happy
Re: S. White
Let it be noted that if she
whistles that goddamned song one
more time I'm gonna rip her fuckin'
lips off. Have a nice day.
--------------------
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Fellow Dwarves
From: Sneezy
Re: S. White
Shes' driving me nuts boys. Ev-
ery three seconds it's "Bless you!" in
that damm sing-songy voice of hers. I
can't take it any more! I'm not a well
dwarf you know.
--------------------
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Fellow Dwarves
From: Bashful
Re: S. White
I really don't mean to start any-
thing, but since she enrolled me in that
assertiveness training seminar, the
only thing that I can think of giving me
pleasure is throwing her out of a
twenty story building. I hope you
didn't mind receiving this memo.
--------------------
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Fellow Dwarves
From: Dopey
Re: S. White
--------------------
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Fellow Dwarves
From: Sleepy
Re: S. White
She keeps making my bed. She
knows I'm going back to sleep in a
minute, but nooo -- she has to make the
bed.
Slut.
--------------------
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Fellow Dwarves
From: Grumpy
Re: S. White
I really love what she's done
with the place. Those throw pillows
make a world of difference. And her
hair! Oh, I just love it!
english.898dejanr,
For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
english.899dejanr,
7:30 wake up to the sound of Radio Moscow on my Sony Walkperson
spend half an hour contemplating the gender role I intend
playing this day.
8:00 Breakfast is a free range soft boiled egg followed by meusli,
the milkperson has not called today so I have my Nicaraguan
coffee non-white.
8:20 Go off to have my labour exploited. Bus late demonstrating the
inefficiencies of the free market system and hence the
inevitability of it's eventual collapse,
9:00 Arrive at work. My personager does not seem to have accepted the
case I made for day care nursery provision. Perhaps herm will
be more receptive when we have some employees with children
of pre school age.
9:45 I notice that there is now a notice in the Male lavatories requesting
that sanitary towells should not be disposed of in the toilet.
Does this mean that a sanitary can is also going to be provided?
12:45 Lunch, I go to the new Vegetarian restaurant at the corner and
buy a sandwich. The waitee tells me that they are organised as
a cooperative - proof that worker power is indeed challenging
the corporatist exploitation of the proletariat. I must raise
this at the next party meeting.
13:45 Back to work. It's starting to get cold! I hope it warms up a bit
before saturday. Its much worse standing about selling the paper
in the wet as people are much less willing to talk. Still if
Marx and Lenin had allowed themselves to be discouraged by such
events how would the processes of Historical Materialism have
smashed the borgouise capitalist system to create the worker state?
17:30 Home time at last. On the way back I pick up a newspaper and a
sandwich. Much as I would prefer to support an independent
newspaper which is not the mouthpiece of the establishment I
buy a Guardian so I can read If and Donnesbury.
19:30 Go out to my conciousness medianating group. I feel a great
feeling of solidarity on such occasions with the oppressed
minorities in society. I am pleased now that I switched from the
anti-patriarchy conciousness raising group, after all the idea
of raising conciousness must surely be elitist in some respect
and thus serve to support the class structure of our society.
21:30 After the session we join with the wymins Zap action Cheeswire
brigade. Such occasions are vital to building grass roots level
solidarity with others united in our cause. It was noticable that
far from being intmidated by our male presence our sister
bretheren did almost all the talking. Obvously their conciousness
medianating is suceeding! I learned that I still poses many
sexist and patriarchal attitudes. I must try to eliminate these
23:30 Home at last, only time for a single chapter of Capital before
going to sleep. Workers of all lands UNITE !
Keep a very firm grasp on reality, so you can strangle it at any time.
english.900dejanr,
Ask a lady for a date ... go to jail.
IT'S THE LAW!!!
english.901dejanr,
Here's a little song that was sent to me from a colleague in Rochester, NY:
PROGRAMMER'S DRINKING SONG
100 little bugs in the code,
100 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code.....
Repeat until BUGS = 0
english.902dejanr,
A few years ago, while riding home from school on my bicycle,
I had a bit of a problem; a pedal broke, the shaft cut an
artery in my leg, lots of blood, police, the ambulance, etc.
After the sewed me up at the hospital, I wanted to call my
wife to come to pick me up. My problem was how to gently
break it to her that I was in the hospital, so that she
wouldn't get worried. I knew how to do it, and the conversation
went like this:
"Hi, Jackie, I'm a bit late today. I had a problem
with my bicycle. Could you pick me up?"
"What happened?"
"My Pedal broke."
"Where are you?"
"Well, I cut my leg when it broke, and I decided to
stop at the hospital to let a doctor look at it."
(Pretty good, eh. She wouldn't get worried by that. I was congratulating
myself on being so smooth, when I got caught with an unexpected
question which I answered honestly.)
"Which hospital?"
"I don't know, there weren't any windows in the ambulance."
Panic set in. I blew it.
english.903dejanr,
A joke my daughter brought home:
Q. What role did Ron Howard have in Star Wars?
A. Opie Wan Kenobi
english.904dejanr,
With all the cmments made about the line "You're no Jack Kennedy" made
regarding Dan Quayle, my mom thought up a comeback for him.
When someone says that to him, he can say...
"At least I got to keep MY Marilyn!"
english.905dejanr,
A friend who recently graduated from MIT and went to work in
California made this up, after several weeks of daily outages of the
net.
Top 10 less reliable networks than NSFnet's T3:
10. Cans tied together with string during a San Fran 8.5 earthquake.
9. The Arthritic's Morse Code net.
8. AT&T's net during a transparent software upgrade.
7. Bouncing signals off satellite, orbiting asteroid near Alpha Centauri.
6. "Great Valleys Of The World"'s semaphore net.
5. Chain-packet net (every time you get a packet, send off two more).
4. Using carrier mackerel across the Sahara.
3. Single Side Band transmitted from ground zero of a thermonuclear explosion.
2. 100 monkeys sending at random (by chance,
they'll eventually send the information you want sent).
1. L.A.'s smog signal net.
PS I'm entering this over the T3. It only took me 3 tries over 40 minutes.
english.906dejanr,
Two Scottish golfers are just about to putt out on the 16th green,
which is adjacent to a road, when suddenly a funeral procession passes by.
Whereupon one of the golfers, Mr. McGregor, interrupts his putting, takes
off his hat and bows to the procession. His partner says, "That was really
gentlemanly of you - paying your respects like that!"
McGregor: "Well, she WAS my wife for 25 years..."
----------
A Business man while out of town decided to play a little golf after a
short work day. He did not know any golfers in this town so he decided to
go out to the course and get paired up there. When he arrived there were no
guys ready to play but there was a very nice looking lady waiting for a
foursome. He decided (at the suggestion of the club) to pair up with the
lady. While playing the first 17 holes the two got to be real chummy but
were shooting as poor a game as either had seen in years. They were both
getting very frustrated with their games. On the 18th a par 4 the game was
about to finish on a good note as they both were on in 2. When they
arrived on the green they saw that this was the worst green that either had
ever seen. This green slopped away from the cup with a very rolling surface.
He was about twenty-nine feet away and she twenty-six. He looked over the
green and was very frustrated. He said, "If I make this shot I'll buy us
dinner tonight." He hit and the ball rolled over the bump down through
the grove around the short hill and up passed the cup and slowed. Just as
it looked as though he had missed the put, the slope of the green helped
and the ball rolled back into the cup. He made a great shot. Not to be
outdone the lady tried to line up her shot. She said, "If I make this
shot I'll invite you to my place for drinks after dinner." The guy
interrupted her put saying, "Wait! Let me help you line up the shot."
He walked all over the green trying to find the groove. He suddenly smiled
walked over to the ball, grabbed it up and said, "That is a gimmy if I ever
saw one."
----------
An avid, yet average, golfer was out playing one day, when his ball went
into a sand trap. As he entered the trap to play his shot, he noticed a
shiny object. Upon digging it up, he noticed it was a lamp. He rubbed the
lamp, and to his amazement, a genie appeared.
"Since you have released me from my lamp, I will grant you anything you
wish, but I must warn you, your sex life will suffer for 1 year."
The golfer thought for a moment, then replied, "That's ok, I
can handle it. I want to be the world's greatest golfer."
"Ok, " said the genie, "you're now the worlds greatest golfer",
and he disappeared back into the lamp.
The golfer took his sand shot, and to his amazement, it went in the hole.
For the next year, it was as the genie said, he was the world's greatest
golfer.
A year later, the man was playing the same course again, and the ball again
went into the sand trap. As he entered the trap, he again noticed the
lamp, so he picked it up and rubbed it. Sure enough, the genie appeared.
He looked at the golfer and asked, "You were here last year weren't you.
No one has ever come back a second time. Tell me, did your sex life really
suffer?"
Man - Well, I did only have sex 5 times last year ... but that's
not too bad for a priest from a small parish.
----------
A Pro is giving a golf lesson to a woman on the tee. She swings the club
and dubs the ball. The Pro sees that the problem is with her grip of the
club and says to her, "Try holding the club like you hold your
husband's....(you know)" "Oh" says the lady- takes out her driver using the
new grip and hits one 250 yards. "That's good", the Pro encourages, "but
try taking the club out of your mouth".
----------
Here are two short ones I heard a long time ago :
-- You fool! You almost hit my wife with that shot!
-- Sorry old chap! Here, take a shot at mine!
----------
-- Did you hear that the board fined me $50 for hitting my wife with a 9-iron?
-- Really, for conduct unbecoming a gentleman?
-- No, for using the wrong club.
----------
"Old golfers never die, they just lose their balls"
----------
Question: Why'd the golfer have 2 pairs of pants?
Answer: In case he got a hole-in-one.
----------
I attended a golf convention in San Diego over the winter and was somewhat
interested in the result of one particular study performed on golfers, in
particular, late afternoon league golfers. This study indicated that the
single gentlemen who play in these leagues are "skinnier" than the married
ones. The way this fact was determined was as follows: the single golfer
goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole,
goes home and goes to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there, so he
goes to bed. the married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a
"refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing
decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator.........
english.907dejanr,
This little ditty was given to me by an old girlfriend when I was in
college. I have no idea where it came from, or who originally wrote it.
One hint: This makes a whole lot more sense if you drink heavily before
reading it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brain Damage Quiz
Following is a quiz. Please answer all questions honestly, and to the best
of your ability, or your answers may not be honest, or to the best of your
ability.
1. t/f People tell me one thing one day and out the other.
2. t/f I can't unclasp my hands.
3. t/f I can wear my shirts as pants.
4. t/f I feel as much like I did yesterday as I do today.
5. t/f At parties, I like to sit by myself and collect a great deal
of saliva.
6. t/f I often mistake my hands for food.
7. t/f I'd rather eat soap than little stones.
8. t/f I never liked room temperature.
9. t/f I line my pockets with hot cheese.
10. t/f My throat is closer than it seems.
11. t/f I am annoyed by the taste of my teeth.
12. t/f Sometimes I feel compelled to count the freckles on my arms
over and over until I lose control of my bladder.
13. t/f Most things are better eaten than forgotten.
14. t/f Likes and dislikes are among my favorites.
15. t/f My patio is covered with killer frost.
16. t/f I've lost all sensation in my shirt.
17. t/f I try to swallow at least three times a day.
18. t/f My best friend is a social worker.
19. t/f I've always known when to close my eyes.
20. t/f My squirrels don't know where I am tonight.
21. t/f Little can be said for Luxembourg.
22. t/f No napkin is sanitary enough for me.
23. t/f I walk this way because I have to.
24. t/f Walls impede my progress.
25. t/f I can't find my marmots.
26. t/f I like mechanics magazines, but I would rather fondle a
marine.
27. t/f My uncle is as stupid as paste.
28. t/f I can pet animals by the mouthful.
29. t/f My toes are numbered.
30. t/f Man's reach should exceed his overbite.
31. t/f People tell me I'm deaf.
32. t/f My beaver won't go near the water.
33. t/f I can find my ears, but I have to look for them.
34. t/f I don't like any of my loved ones.
35. t/f Sometimes I have the strange feeling that I've done something
before.
36. t/f Sometimes I have the strange feeling that I've done something
before.
37. t/f A good friend should stick to the ceiling when the going
gets rough.
english.908dejanr,
I saw a standup comic on Evening at the Improv the other night. He made
one of the funniest remarks I have heard in a long time.
He was a scrawny little nerdy-looking guy. He was talking about his
21st birthday. His friends got him a sweater. He said, "I would have preferred
a screamer or a moaner, but the sweater was okay."
english.909dejanr,
"If they don't want us to drink and drive,
why do you have to have a driver's license to buy beer?"
- Drexell's Class
english.910dejanr,
A Steamer developed trouble in one of its pressure valves in its
engine room that caused an explosion. The ship was sinking fast, but the
crew acted swiftly to get the passengers off onto life rafts. Finally,
the crew started piling into the rafts. When it got down to the last 3-man
lifeboat, only the Captain and three of his crew were left behind.
The Captain turned to his crew: "I don't believe these stories
about the captain going down with his ship, and since there is only enough
room in this lifeboat for three of us, I'm going to aske each of you one
question. Whoever answers correctly can get into the lifeboat."
The Captain addressed the first sailor: "What famous 'Unsinkable'
ship went down after striking an iceburg?"
The first sailor immediately responded, "The Titanic, sir!" and
climbed into the lifeboat.
Then the Captain asked the second sailor: "How many people went
down with the Titanic?"
The second sailor immediately responded, "One thousand, three
hundred and fourty-seven, Sir!" and climbed into the lifeboat.
Turning to the last sailor, the Captain asked:
"And what were their names?"
english.911dejanr,
This comes from a friend, who claims it happened to her.
Her seven-year-old asks: "Mom, what's sex?"
Mom (flustered): "Well, that's whether you're a girl or a boy. You know,
like when we signed you up for swimming lessons, and the form asked what
your sex was, that's what they wanted to know."
Son: "OK"
Mom: (whew)
Next day:
Son: "Mom, Joe says that sex is when you take off your clothes and rub
against each other. Is that true?"
Mom: "Well, yes, that's another meaning of 'sex'."
Son: "ALL your clothes?"
Mom: "Yes."
Son: "YUCK! Really?"
(I've forgotten what transpired here; no matter.)
Mom: "Well, I'm real glad you asked me about this. If you have any more
questions, please ask."
Son: "Well, I do have one more."
Mom (breaking into a sweat): "Yes?"
Son: "Where does metal come from?"
english.912dejanr,
My parents put us to sleep by tossing us up in the air. Of course,
you have to have low ceilings for this method to work.
-- Robert
english.913dejanr,
posted on a WWIVnet sub (oddly, not a humor sub) that I host, by a user in
Florida:
The Beard #54 @9402
Tue Nov 19 14:13:03 1991
A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and
asked to see the "upturn"
"I think you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on
duty.
"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"
"You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her.
"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."
"I'm sure you mean the maturnity ward."
To which the girl replied:
"Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity ,
maturnity....what's the difference? All I know is I havent demonstrated
in two months and I think I'm stagnant."
english.914dejanr,
Duke for President - When you're tired of voting for the lesser of two evils.
I thought that I had made that one up, but some of myfriends tell me that they
have heard it already. I suppose that it was too obvious to not have been
simultaneously created by several people.
english.915dejanr,
During one of the more explicit portions of the trial, Pee Wee Herman
and Michael Jackson were both caught masturbating in the rear of thre
courtroom. Pee Wee was arrested and Michael was paid $6,000,000.
english.916dejanr,
For those who didn't make it to page 249 of "The Anthropic Cosmological
Principle" by John Barrow and Frank Tipler, I quote
"In a randomly infinite Universe, any event occurring here and
now with finite probability must be occurring simultaneously at
an infinite number of other sites in the Universe. It is hard to
evaluate this idea any further, but one thing is certain: if it
is true then it is certainly not original!"
By the way it is a great book. If you don't like equations just skip
those bits: you don't have to grok the equations to get a lot out of it.
Bob Smart
english.917dejanr,
We mourn the passing of computer pioneer Admiral Grace Hopper, author of
COBOL, who is now at rest 6 nanoseconds under.
[Adm. Hopper, who passed away approx. Jan 3, was known for holding up
a piece of wire, one foot long, at her lectures and explaining "This is
one nanosecond", that is at 3.00 x 10^8 meters per second, electricity
travels one foot in one nanosecond.]
english.918dejanr,
Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were
invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was
partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa. After many hands, the
Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the
door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room,
his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the
Colonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it; this is the first
time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand."
english.919dejanr,
A new slogan you probably (won't) see at a motel near you soon:
"Wilt Chamberlain slept here"
english.920dejanr,
This was overheard at a campus eating establishment.
A guy grumbled at his friend, and then said "Sorry, I'm in a bad mood
today". The friend asks why, and the guy replies quite mater-of-factly
"Well, I'm in grad school"
english.921ndragan,
/ 10. Cans tied together with string during a San Fran 8.5 earthquake.
Zaboravili su najbolju i najjeftiniju mrežu: Frizbee Network.
Dovoljna je jedna disketa.
english.925pperencevic,
War of Persuasion
The Battle of Tannenberg was at its height when a Czarist officer
drew up his company and addressed them.
"The moment has come! We're going to charge the enemy. It'll now
be man against man in hand-to-hand combat."
In the company was a Jewish soldier who hated the Czar and the war.
"Please, sir, show me my man!" he cried. "Maybe I can come to an
understanding with him."
english.926ndragan,
/ What's the difference between a lawyer and a pothole?
Ko je ono rekao da je "udarna rupa" neprevodljiva?
english.927pperencevic,
THE BROOCH
She had a friend find out how much I had paid for the
amethyst brooch I gave her as a gift.
"Fifteen lire," she said to me afterwards. "I know what that
means to you!"
"To me it means - love!"
"Would you have bought me the brooch if it had cost twenty-five lire?"
"Yes."
"And forty, too?"
"No."
"Why?"
"Because that is more than my circumstances would allow."
"But that's exactly where true love first begins!"
"Not with me! With me it comes to an end there!"
from A Treasury of Jewish Humor
english.928pperencevic,
Why Husbands Run Away
A woman ran to the rabbi's house and tearfully appealed to his
secretary: "Please ask the rabbi to help find my husband - he's run
away!"
The secretary wrote down her request and brought it to the rabbi
in his study. A moment later he came out again and said to the woman,
"The rabbi wishes to assure you that your husband will return to
you shortly."
"May God repay the rabbi ten thousand times for his kindness!"
cried the woman overjoyed. And she went away.
After she had gone, the rabbi's secretary said to some bystanders,
"The poor woman! Her husband will never return to her!"
"Don't you believe in what the rabbi says?" someone asked in
surprise.
"What a question to ask? Of course I do!" answered the secretary.
"But you see, the rabbi only saw her petition - I saw her face!"
from "A Treasury of Jewish Humor"
english.929zolika,
Here are some Irish limericks:
"Far dearer to me than my Treasure"
An Irish lassie said, "is my leisure,
For then I can screw,
Each rich yachtman's crew
They're slow but it lengthens the pleasure."
There once was a lassie from Bandon,
Who said to her man: "Keep your hand on,
I admire your technique
It's simply unique
But my breasts are to love - not to land on."
A young Irish farmer named Willy,
Whose behaviour was frequently silly,
At a big farmers' ball,
Dressed in nothing at all,
He claimed he came there as a filly.
english.930zolika,
Here are some more Irish limericks...
The Irishman said with a grouch,
"Tis Winter when you sneeze and you slouch,
You can't take your women,
In a canoe or swimming,
But a lot can be done on a couch!"
A young Irish lad like a giant
Who in sexual ways was just quaint,
One day he went swimming
With twelve naked women,
And deserted them all for a pint.
A priest who got up with the dawn,
Saw a lass near a bush in Gourgane,
"Excuse me, dear Miss,
It's sinful to piss,
On the sacred and blessed green lawn."
english.931zolika,
...and more limericks for your pleasure:
A lassie at Cahermee Fair,
Was having her first love affair,
As she climbed into bed
To the tinker she said:
"Do you mind if I start with a prayer?"
There was a young lass from Rosscarberry,
Who started to count every calorie,
Said her boss in disgust:
"If you lose half your bust -
Then you're worth only half of your salary!"
A young lass on a yacht in Glandore,
So tired she could do it no more,
"But I'm willing to try
So where shall I lie?
On the deck, on the sail, on the floor?"
english.932zolika,
What do you think about more Irish limericks?
Said the sharp-eyed Irish detective:
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
Has your east tit the least bit
The best of the west tit?
Or is it a trick of perspective?"
A young lad from near South Donegal
Who went to a Fancy Dress Ball
Dressed up like a tree
But he failed to foresee
His abuse by the dogs near the hall.
There was a young lady near Glin
Who was strong on Original Sin.
The priest said: "Do be good,"
She said: "I would if I could."
And started all over again.
english.933zolika,
...I won't say any more...
An old lady from near Fermanagh
Whose thoughts were exceptionally narrow,
At the end of her paths
She built two bird baths -
To prevent mortal sin, amongst sparrows!
A homo who lived in Macroom,
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
As to who had the right,
To do what, and with which, and to whom!
A Seanacaidhe back from Dunquin
He married three wives for a whim.
When asked: "Why the third?"
He said: "One's just absurd
And bigamy, lads, is a sin."
english.934dsoskic,
What do you call the shock absorbers in a Yugo?
- Passengers.
english.935dsoskic,
Boris Yeltsin burst Mikhail Gorbachev's Kremlin
office. "Michail, I have incredible news and bad news?"
"What is the incredible news?" Gorbachev asked.
"Lenin's mother is alive!"
"Unbelievable! What's the bad news?"
"She's pregnant again."
english.936dsoskic,
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"What are YOU shaking for? I'm the one she's going to eat."
english.937zolika,
Here is one Irish limerick more:
It is a special project of mine,
A new value of Pi to assign.
If you ever ask me,
I would fix it at 3,
It is better than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9.
english.938dejanr,
Heard this one third hand (a friend of a friend knows someone who...), but it
was also in the newspaper. This woman was finished with her Christmas
shopping, and when she went out to the parking lot, there were 4 men sitting
in the car. She asked them to get out, and they said no, so she repeated, and
they still refused. She then put down her packages and pulled the handgun she
had for protection out of her purse. The men got out of the car and fled. Just
then she realized that wasn't her car, hers was 3 spaces away!
english.939dejanr,
Basic rules for driving in Boston
Boston is often acclaimed as the most exciting city in America in
which to drive. Who would argue? Herewith, for newcomers and visitors,
are a few basic rules of the road for driving in these parts:
- To obtain a general idea of how to drive in Boston, go to a
Celtics game and carefully watch the fast break. Then get behind the
wheel of your car and practice it.
- Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and
left before proceeding.
- When in doubt, accelerate.
- Very generally speaking, the intransigence of the Boston driver
is directly proportional to the expense of his American-made car, and
inversely proportional to the expense of his foreign-made car. But in
applying this formula, bear in mind that they are all more or less
intransigent.
- In the long run, parking your car in a lot is always cheaper than
parking it at a meter.
- Drivers whose cars sport "I Brake For Animals" bumper stickers
may brake for animals, but they may not brake for you. Watch it.
- Never drive behind a person whose head doesn't reach the top of
the steering wheel.
- Teenage drivers believe they are immortal. Don't yield to the
temptation to teach them otherwise.
- Taxicabs should always have the right of way, unless you are bent
on suicide.
- Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under
the wheels of your car.
- The first parking space you see will be the last parking space
you see. Grab it.
- Learn to swerve abruptly. Boston is the home of slalom driving,
thanks to the Registry of Motor Vehicles, which puts potholes in key
locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
- Steer clear of people with antinuclear bumper stickers pasted on
their cars. They are interested in preserving mankind, which is
admirable. But they are not necessarily interested in preserving you,
or themselves, for that matter. They have more important things to
think about.
- Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
- Double-park in the North End of Boston, unless triple-parking is
available.
- Always look both ways when running a red light.
- While it is possible to fit a 15-foot car into a 15-foot parking
space, it is seldom possible to fit a 16-foot car into a 15-foot
parking space. Sad but true.
- There is no such thing as a short cut during rush-hour traffic in
Boston.
- It is traditional in Boston to honk your horn at cars that don't
move the instant the light changes.
- Never put your faith in signs that purport to provide directions.
They are put there to confuse people who don't know their way around
the city.
- Use extreme caution when pulling into breakdown lanes. Breakdown
lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during
rush hour.
- Never use directional signals, since they only confound and
distract other Boston drivers, who are not used to them.
- Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals, Boston drivers,
unused to such courtesies, will think you are waving them on to pass
you.
- The yellow light is not, as commonly supposed outside the Boston
area, a signal to slow down. It is a warning to speed up and get
through the intersection before the light turns red.
- Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
- In making a left turn from the right lane, employ the element of
surprise. That is, do it as suddenly as possible, so as to stun other
drivers.
- Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to make you feel
guilty.
- Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to insure
inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible.
- Remember that the goal of every Boston driver is to get there
first by whatever means necessary.
- Above all, keep moving.
And good luck. You'll need it.
english.940dejanr,
If Oliver North became David Duke's running mate, they'd be known as
Ku Klux Klan and Ollie.
english.941dejanr,
I am taking a statistical physics course right now, and have compiled
the funniest quotes from this class. All quotes are from John Thorstensen,
the professor. He likes to keep the class lively...
"Manually operated analog scribing device" (description of chalk)
"In fact, entire math departments have been known to go off the
deep end" (on infinite real numbers)
"Yup, you're losing your marbles." (on a statistical problem involving
marbles in a jar)
"This, incidently, works great if you're color blind." (probabability
of picking a red or green marble)
"Uh, that's the same equation."
"Now you have to pound the table, and jump up and down."
"Good day to get a little extra sleep."
"You use little itty bitty nails, and nail the atoms down." (on how
to measure the number of states they can be in)
"We can throw out constant factors as we want."
"I didn't know Maxwell had thermodynamic relations...I guess he got around."
Avogadro's number..avocado's?"
"Factorials of Avogadro's number become intractable."
"And what is this? Can you say ENTROPY?"
"It's just a..it's just a word."
"Then they have to come out, and cut you off with a blowtorch."
(on the hazards of licking a cold flag pole)
"Which in decimals is 1.66666...which is the mark of the devil."
"Enthalpy, which in Greek stands for E+pV."
"This will become unclear in time."
"George Q. Enthalpy, little known physicist."
"cross derivatives? angry derivatives!...perturbed..."
"You all are probably wondering what all this stuff is good for."
"I'm tenured, there's almost nothing you can do about it."
(after making a mistake in sign convention)
"The Joule-Thompson Throttling. Now you can't throttle them,
they're dead." (an experiment)
english.942dejanr,
Gallows humor from IBM's Research Division
Allegedly appeared in the "For Sale" columns of a NY state newspaper
FOR SALE: To qualified buyer or wealthy eccentric: Research
Division of former multinational company. Hardly used.
Guaranteed cure for obscene profits or other bottom line
imbalances. $300,000,000 or best offer. Inquire Armonk, N. Y.
english.943dejanr,
When I was in high school I learned about retroactive inhibition.
Retroactive inhibition occurs when learning something new causes you
to forget something you used to know. For example, if you know how
to play a clarinet and then learn how to play a saxophone, you might find
that you get confused when you try to play clarinet again.
When I went to college my Psychology class studied both retroactive
inhibition and proactive inhibition. Proactive inhibition occurs when
something you learned in the past prevents your learning something new.
Or is it the other way around? Ever since learning about proactive
inhibition, I've never been able to keep retroactive and proactive
inhibition straight.
english.944dejanr,
A guy walked into a bar and ordered two drinks.
"How about a double instead?" asked the bartender.
"No. I'm drinking with my friend from Denver."
So the bartender gives him the two drinks. He drinks them while alternately
sipping from each glass. This goes on for a few months. A couple of times a
week he comes into the bar to drink with his friend from Denver.
One day he comes in and orders only one drink.
"Did your friend from Denver die?" asked the bartender.
"No. My doctor told me to stop drinking."
english.945dejanr,
THE FRANKLIN FACTOR: Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to
meet more guys.
THE RAT RACE: If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit
on you first.
THE EYEGLASS PRESCRIPTION: Don't wear your glasses on a blind date.
You'll look better, and he will too.
THE RING RULE: A watched telephone never rings.
THE CREEP CALL: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It's a call
from a creep you told you were busy.
THE FISHING FORECAST: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea.
But who wants to go out with a fish?
THE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROGNOSIS: Love is a form of temporary insanity
curable only by marriage.
THE ROPE TRICK: Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.
MIND OVER MATTER: No one ever falls in love with another person's mind
at a cocktail party.
THE FAULT FINDER: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to
move in with your lover.
THE UNINTENED RESULT: 1) Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy.
2) Women's desire for intimacy often results in sex.
THE RABBIT RULE: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.
THE DANGLE DOCTRINE: You can't keep a good man down.
TWAIN'S TRUTH: Familarity breed children.
THE FERTILITY FACTOR: Wonen are only fertile a few days each
month...unless they're single.
THE PREPARATION PREDICAMENT: The longer you spend in the bathroom
preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time
you're ready.
english.946dejanr,
My friend was telling me about friendship and sharing..... he said.....
You know, If I had two dollars, I'd give you one.
If I had to beers, I'd give you one.
If I had to cookies, I'd give you one.
but If I had two girlfriends, I'd give you another dollar.
english.947dejanr,
Ways to be Offensive at a Funeral
1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make
love with you.
2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find
your contact lens.
3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
4. Tell the widow that you're the deceasd's gay lover.
5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the
deceased.
6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're
not in it.
8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can
sneak him into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will
can be read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor
who can't afford firewood.
16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased' gambling debts.
20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
21. Put crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
22. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's
mouth.
25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream
"MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
26. At the cemetary take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for
back-taxes.
30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face
while praising the deceased.
english.948dejanr,
Paraphrased from Dennis Miller's performance at Vanderbilt Wednesday night:
Germany's creative talents tend to skip a generation:
They make a really nice sports car, destroy an entire race,
make a really nice sports car...
english.949dejanr,
Subject: Bush's illness, original, topical
From: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Michael Nolan)
Original joke by Michael Nolan, nolan@tssi.com
Bush Throws Up During Japanese Dinner Party
Phlegm at 11!
= = = = = = =
Subject: Bush's Illness
From: SCOTH%WMVM1.CC.WM.EDU@vtvm2.cc.vt.edu (Scott Hammer)
President Bush's doctor was concerned when Bush collapsed at the Japanese
State Dinner, but got even more worried later. It seems that once they
got Bush back to his suite, he started speaking in complete sentences!
(The idea for this was stolen from Dave Barry's year-end column in the
Washington Post a couple weeks ago).
= = = = = = =
Subject: Bush illness
From: dbrooks@osf.org
Original.
At a dinner in Japan yesterday, President Bush threw up and passed
out. This was caused by a mixup in the kitchens; that plate had been
intended for Lee Iacocca.
David Brooks
Open Software Foundation
= = = = = = =
Subject: Bush gets Japanese flu...
From: trebor@foretune.co.jp (Robert J Woodhead)
When asked why President Bush collapsed (allegedly with gastroenteritis)
at a state dinner in Tokyo, a spokesman for the Japanese foreign
ministry is alleged to have said:
"We urged him not to eat that California rice!"
The other rumor is that Bush was accidentally stabbed by a Bulgarian
Chopstick...
= = = = = = =
Subject: You can't win
Organization: DSG, Stanford University, CA 94305, USA
From: gscott@leland.stanford.edu
Last night ABC News aired a special report on President Bush's visit to
Japan. The commentators were explaining that a major component of the
trade deficit was automobiles; imports from Japan are flooding the US market.
They then broke for a commercial - for Mitsubishi cars.
= = = = = = =
Subject: Bush/Quayle
From: ach@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Joseph Poirier)
With Bush being sick, I suppose we can all now say:
Dan Quayle: A heartburn away from the Presidency.
= = = = = = =
Subject: Bush's diplomacy
From: pacdata!jimh@ucsd.edu (Jim Harkins)
George Bush didn't really have the flu the other day. A GM executive had
promised a campaign contribution if he would puke on the Japanese Prime
Minister's carpet.
= = = = = = =
Subject: Barfing Bush
From: spl@alex.ucsd.edu (Steve Lamont)
An amusing remark by Simon Hoggart (sp?) this morning (Saturday, Jan
11) on NPR's Weekend Edition this morning. It gave me a small chuckle.
Regarding George Bush's fainting spell at the State Dinner in Japan:
In Japan, you usually only faint *after* you get the bill.
spl (the p stands for
pass the bucket, Emperor)
= = = = = = =
Subject: What Bush heard last?
From: prb@access.digex.com (Pat)
What was the Last thing Miizawa said to Bush?
Try the Fugu, IT's delicious.
[Authors note. For those who are not aware, fugu is a highly toxic
blowfish the japanese eat as a delicacy. 1-2 people every year
fugu out of this planet. I made this up while discussing japanese
culture with a friend of mine]
= = = = = = =
Subject: Bush's collapse
From: u1238@jsp.umontreal.ca (Duperval Laurent)
[ So it might be known by the time you get it. Sue me! :-) ]
Credit Doug Camilli of the Montreal Gazette:
What were Bush's first words after his collapse?
"I _told you_, I don't like broccoli."
= = = = = = =
Subject: New White House Dress COde
From: prb@access.digex.com (Pat)
What's the Dress Code at White House functions?
Old Clothes.
[ I think this was made in Tony Kornheisers column in the Washington Post.
It's a paraphrasing, of some remarks he made about Bush being made an
Honorary member of every party frat in america]
= = = = = = =
Subject: George Bush' slogan for re-election
From: TLIU@binah.cc.brandeis.edu
(This is an original joke)
George Bush in 1992:
Ask not what your president can do for you,
ask what you can do for your president!
= = = = = = =
From: matchmaker@houston.relay.ucm.org
This letter was forwarded Mon 9:39pm, 13 Jan 1992 CST by JON@BODEDO:
Bush took the leaders of the big-three automakers to Japan to help revive
the U.S. economy.
For a while the economy was doing very very well.
Then he brought them back.
= = = = = = =
Subject: Sick humor #2
From: RICH@suhep.phy.syr.edu (Richard S. Holmes)
Q. What's the difference between the vice squad and George Bush in Japan?
A. Well, the vice squad closes bookies...
= = = = = = =
Subject: Sick humor #1
From: RICH@suhep.phy.syr.edu (Richard S. Holmes)
Q. What did George Bush discuss with the Japanese during lunch?
A. The same thing he brought up at dinner.
= = = = = = =
Subject: Bush's Queasy Stomach
From: scotbri@rosevax.rosemount.com (Scott Brigham)
An original by yours truly (as far as I know):
While the Japanese are over here eating our lunch,
Bush is over there blowing his!
english.950dejanr,
Heard this one Sunday night on KGO radio (someone called in with it):
A couple who have been married for 20 years is preparing for bed when the
following conversation takes place...
She: "Honey, if I die before you, would you remarry?"
He: "That's a morbid question!"
She: "No, I really want to know."
He (pauses to think): "Yes, I suppose after a decent amount of time I might
remarry."
She: "Would she live in our house?"
He: "Well, the mortgage is almost paid off - would you really expect me to
move?"
She: "Would she wear my mink coat?"
He: "You know I paid $3,500 for that coat - would you really want me to
sell it for a loss?"
She: "Well, would she drive my BMW?"
He: "No. Absolutely not. She doesn't know how to drive a stick shift!"
english.951dejanr,
It is a well-known phenomenon that computer programs, left to themselves,
will cease to work. This is known as "Code Rot". (Programs NOT left to
themselves also cease to work. This is known as "maintenance" or
"enhancement", but is not germane to this discussion). The cause of
code rot has recently been discovered in a related discipline --
writing. The following is a quote from an article by Richard Purdy,
which appeared in the May 1988 issue of "The Journal of Wild Culture":
"
PRINT GRUB
(visus litteratum)
The North American print grub is a well-known pest infecting libraries
and bookstores. This tiny grub has a transparent, lens-like body that distorts
the print below it and gives the impression of a typographical error or
misprint(Typographical errors in this magazine {or this quote../rbe}
may be attributable to print grubs. Please check carefully). The print grub
lives on book pages and licks the ink up off the page, slowly erasing whole
lines of type as it feeds. The grub digests the gum arabic or glue contents
of the ink and defecates the pigment residue, leaving behind an unsightly
smudge.
The print grub has become a significant pest in large North American libraries,
reducing entire books to defecatory blobs. In recent years, researchers
in the Saskatchewan Bibliographic Centre have discovered marked tendencies
in the print grub's habits. For instance, statistics show a consistent
predeliction for glossy magazines. No infestation has been found in the
works of William Shakespeare, Marcel Proust, Henrik Ibsen, or Mervyn Peake,
although volumes on nearby shelves were considerably infested. It may be going
too far to suggest that print grubs are executing a type of literary
criticism; yet, the facts are undeniable."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The vast differences in quality of code produces by different vendors may
also be explained by local infestations of print grubs. Then again, it
may not.
english.952dejanr,
Something I heard on the radio a couple of weeks ago: Ian Hislop of Private
Eye (I think) reporting an overheard conversation from some media person
or other:
"Well, the last time I saw Robert Maxwell, he seemed quite buoyant..."
I wouldn't have mentioned it, except for the unintentional pun in the
comment made last week by my Australian office-mate:
"I just hope Rupert Murdoch follows in the wake of Robert Maxwell..."
english.953dejanr,
From an album called "Troubadour Emeritus" -- I wish I could remember the guy's
name.
One day, a cattle farmer heard one of his cows lowing out in the north forty
(the mudpit behind the barn). It sounded like she was in hard labor. He went
out, and, sure enough, it was a breech. He tried to turn the calf around,
but it was too late--the legs were already coming out. All he could do was
pull on the legs to assist in the birth. This field was right next to the
interstate, and a red MG stopped, and this woman (librarian type, with the
glasses and bun) jumped out and said, "Is there anything I can do to assist?"
The farmer said, "Yes, please! Grab a leg and pull!"
So they both pulled, and they were able to get the calf out. The farmer, very
grateful, said, "Wait a minute while I run back and get my wallet--I owe you
for this."
"Oh, no, I wouldn't dream of accepting any recompense for this service.
However, there is one question you can answer for me."
"Anything!"
"How fast was the little one going when it ran into the big one?"
english.954dejanr,
You see, an empty shell script does nothing and returns True.
Here is the /bin/true shell script from AT&T Unix V.3.2:
# Copyright (c) 1984 AT&T
# All Rights Reserved
# THIS IS UNPUBLISHED PROPRIETARY SOURCE CODE OF AT&T
# The copyright notice above does not evidence any
# actual or intended publication of such source code.
#ident "@(#)cmd/true.sh 50.1"
Notice that there is still no actual source code in this file.
Is AT&T copyrighting and protecting its protection notice?
Or, is AT&T attempting to copyright and protect the empty file?
Lance Norskog
Go on, Templeton, I dare you to post it.
english.955dejanr,
WHY SOFTBALL IS BETTER THAN SEX
* You can play softball as much or as little as you want; YOU get to decide.
* After an unusually long and difficult softball game you can still ride your
bike home.
* In softball, the other team pays attention throughout, even if they're done
scoring.
* If you have to take a piss during a softball game, you can say "Excuse me,
I gotta drain the swamp" and you don't lose style points.
* In softball, nobody comments on the size of your bat, as long as you know
what to do with it.
* In softball, you don't feel guilty about winning the ugly ones.
* The other team never has to forfeit a game cause they're on their period.
* In softball, you don't have to compliment the other team on good they look
in their new uniforms.
* You don't have to buy the other team dinner to get a game.
* If you get all scratched up in a softball game, you can brag about it to
your wife.
* In softball, if you go a couple months without scoring, your balls don't
hurt.
* In softball, you can play the same team every day for a year and it's never
the same twice.
* You don't mind if your parents come to watch you play softball.
* You can play three, maybe four softball games a day.
* In softball, it's no concern of yours if the other team has had marital
relations with diseased livestock.
* In a good weekend of softball, you can play six or seven different teams and
it only costs you twenty bucks and you may get a prize at the end.
* Playing the wrong softball team won't get you shot.
* You can be absolutely certain that, nine months after a softball game, the
other teams lawyers won't call, asking for half of your pre-tax income for
the next eighteen years.
* During a softball game you can spit tobacco juice all over the place.
* Rest assured that the other team will not invite you to the ballet.
* The other team doesn't demand that you shave before the game.
* The other team can smell like road kill and you'll never know it.
* If you don't score in a softball game, the other team doesn't ask you if
you've had that problem often.
* No matter how drunk the other team is they never throw up in your bed.
english.956dejanr,
"You know I got kicked out of the shopping center today but I don't know
why."
"What did you do?"
"Well, you know that sign that says 'Wet floor'?"
"Yeah..."
"Well...so I did..."
english.957dejanr,
Big Blue Scores Big In Management Hiring Coup
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a surprise move, IBM announced it was hiring ex-Soviet Premier Mikhail
Gorbachev to head its restructuring efforts. Quipped an IBM spokesperson,
"We needed someone experienced in breaking up large, monolithic
structures into small autonomous entities. We figure Mikhail
Gorbachev is the man for the job."
IBM denied rumors fighting had broken out between its mainframe and small
systems divisions.
english.958dejanr,
A naked lady standing on the street in the combat zone flags down a
cab, hops in and says, "Take me to Georgetown."
The cabby replies, "Come on lady, what are you going to pay me with?
You don't even have a handbag."
The lady smiles, opens her legs and points saying, "With this of
course."
After thinking for a moment, the cabby replies, "Have you got anything
smaller?"
english.959dejanr,
This was written by a friend of mine (Phil Harris) after recently
buying a new HI-FI. He asked me to post this after I suggested that
it is worth submitting to RHF.
Jarod
Troubleshooting Your New Stereo
P. Harris
Problem Probable Cause Remedy
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Does not work Power plug in hand Place plug in socket
and turn socket on
Not turned on Turned off Turn on.
Still does not work Bought it from Tandy Take it back and get
a real stereo.
Lights up but no No speakers Buy some speakers.
sound
Still no sound Volume set to zero Set volume to ten.
Too much sound Volume set to ten Set volume to three.
Raucous hiss Radio turned on and Turn radio off, place
no aerial record on deck, place
stylus on record.
Sounds too slow HMV 78 written on record Discard record, replace
with `Hells Bells' by
ACDC set volume to
ten, place stylus
on record.
Can't hear anything Gone deaf turn stereo off and
or learn to say `eh?'
Don't understand Stupidity Turn stereo off, buy
what all the lights gramophone and retrieve
are for HMV 78.
Record a little Record is a CD If it cost over 10
small and hole too pound send it to me
big for spindle else check for CD
player
on stereo if there is
one, insert into CD
player and set volume
to ten.
No CD player Not buying a CD player Buy a CD player or
stop buying CDs.
Too noisy CD playing and volume Set volume to three.
set to ten
CDs don't fit in Haven't got a car CD player Buy car CD player,
car stereo place CD in player and
set volume to ten.
Car speakers broken Volume of car CD player Take CD player back
set too high to shop - it would
have been stolen
anyway!
CDs don't fit in car Car stereo only plays tapes Tape CDs.
stereo
Don't understand the a) Stupid Turn stereo off, buy
automatic sequencing gramophone and
compact disk, magnetic retrieve HMV 78.
media instant audio
transposition mega b) Normal Nor does anyone else
wacko editing just do it by hand
commands like you used to.
Reel to reel tapes You're still wearing Remove flares and
don't fit in tape purple flares reel to reel tape.
deck Attatch sign saying
`Outdated Hippy' to
forehead, place
Tchaikovsky's 1812
overture in CD player
skip first 6 minutes
place head between
speakers and set
volume to ten.
Profound deafness Placing head between None.
with persistent speakers with volume set
tinilus to ten whilst listening
cannon detonations.
Other Problems
Does not show Not a television Buy sex pistols album
Coronation Street place on deck, place
stylus on record and
set volume to ten.
Neighbour beats head Constant annoyance with Go to hospital and
in with a brick loud music learn to eat through
a straw.
Stereo not where Stereo has been stolen Call Police and or
you left it or repossesed by bailiffs pay Poll tax demand.
Records, tapes and Stereo is a microwave Place egg in microwave
CDs melt during play, rip glass and metal
only a buzz comes grille from door look
from stereo inside and turn on.
Egg on face Stupidity None.
Stereo not good Stereo not girlfriend Unplug girlfriend
in bed from mains and take
tape from her lips.
Plug in Stereo and
turn on girlfriend.
Pressing space bar Bought typewriter Slam head in fridge
causes a little door.
click, but does
not play recently
purchased Paul
Simon album
Light in fridge Door not shutting Slam Harder!
does not go out completely
english.960dejanr,
In your last one liner file, randy@ai.mit.edu (Randall Smith) joked:
> What is a politically correct term for men?
> Vaginally disabled.
I prefer the term vaginally challenged.
english.961dejanr,
Can you tell the difference between
Coke and Pepsi? No? Get hip to the trip with
RAY CHARLES X-RAY SPECS
These amazing X-ray specs are the real
McCoy when it comes to checking out which
can of Cola has the most cred, the most
taste and the most sugar. Continuous daily
use could lead to you saving $$$$ on your
future purchase of vital fashion
accessories such as:
Shane McGowan's Teeth
Gerry Dammer's Gums
Johnny Rotten's Cavities
Don't miss this once in a lifetime offer!
Send $999.99 plus 999 ring pulls from any
jumbo variety of Pepsi Cola to:
Ray Charles X-ray specs offer, Ray Charles
Place, Nothing To Do With Pepsi, Pep, Sico
*************************************************************************
Worried about your neighbours pets?
Problems with strays?
Send your lost, found or unwanted animals to
THE OZZY OSBOURNE HOME FOR DISTRESSED ANIMALS
Yes, send us your poor little
pets and we guarantee that Ozzy
will personally distress them.
Chickens A Speciality!
english.962dejanr,
The Japanese people are said to have a great interest in
Western things, especially those from the United States.
This can be used to our strategic advantage to help solve
our trade deficit with Japan. We need to export TV shows
like ``Perry Mason'' and ``LA Law'' and ensure that they
are widely broadcasted. Once their children grow up wanting
to become lawyers they are finished!
english.963dejanr,
Q: Why do computer scientists make such lousy lovers?
A: Cause they always want to do the job faster than before. And
when they do, they say the performance has improved.
english.964dejanr,
>Phone call actually received by someone I know, from next-door neighbor:
> "Our cable TV is having interference right now, is yours?"
> "Not as far as I know... what channel are you watching?"
> "We're not watching a channel. We're playing a tape."
During the Gulf war, here in Israel, there was a family watching the Cosby
show, and taping it just in case there would be another air-raid siren.
Sure enough there was, and they filed into their sealed rooms. After the
whole thing was over, they returned to watch their video tape. And what
do you know, the same thing happened just about the same time in the show.
After they retuned to their sealed room for a third time they realized it
was the tape and not a real drill.
english.965dejanr,
The scene: Tokyo - A formal state banquet in honor of President Bush
Prime Minister Miyazawa:
So, Mr President, what do you think of our position on
bilateral trade?
President Bush:
Watch my lips....
english.966dejanr,
FIRST AID FOR NON-MEDICALLY MINDED PERSONS
------------------------------------------
Electrocution
-------------
Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH OFF THE
POWER IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it
would be going to waste.
Check the victims pulse, (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack
of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human
being). And do try not to be squeamish about it.
Drive the victim to the nearest casualty ward. You can use him/her to
jumpstart the engine as well if need be.
Treating burns and scalds
-------------------------
Run the affected area under a cold tap as soon as possible. (N.B. If
the victims entire body is a swirling mass of flames it may a little
too late for this).
If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then REMOVE
CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You can never tell, the sight of you parading
around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury.
Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as
an example.
Fractures and broken limbs
--------------------------
Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in
a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the
bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are
going to die. That always puts the wind up them.
Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk up and down for
a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the
rest of your job easier.
Do not move the broken or fractured limb as this may result in an
abnormal position. However, if you're feeling daring, try pointing
legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc.
It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can
produce. Far better than Play-Doh.
Choking On Food
---------------
Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by punching
them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of
food hit you in the eye, however.
Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill.
Make a mental note to order soup next time.
Cuts And Wounds
---------------
Dress the wound, whatever that means.
Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the
victims throat unit they experience difficulty in breathing.
Ha ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above the wound. Just my
little joke.
Stitch up the wound with aluminium wire.
Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know.
Objects Stuck In The Eye
------------------------
Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP AS WELL, IDIOT.
Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with your teeth. This
usually results in the object mysteriously "going away" and not bothering
the victim any more before you can get to it.
Concussion
----------
When the victim comes round, ask them what day it is, who the Prime
Minister is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more
difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back. Then tot up the
victims score and send it to me at this address:- Dr. Brain D'Eath,
Concussion Quiz, P.O.Box 312, London, the highest score wins a
mystery prize.
Talk in Swahili to disorientate the victim a bit more. Yes, there's a
whole bundle of laughs when it comes to concussion.
Here's a good one: before the victim comes round, switch of all the
lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout "Thank God! We thought
you might be dead, or blinded or something.
Seb
english.967dejanr,
Hard to keep track of everyone who's running for president. There's
the one whom everyone's calling a fascist. He's trying to get his name
on the presidential ballot in Georgia, but the authorities are resisting.
That's right, I'm referring to Zviad Gamsakhurdia, ousted president of
formerly-Soviet Georgia.
english.968dejanr,
We mourn the passing of computer pioneer Admiral Grace Hopper, author of
COBOL, who is now at rest 6 nanoseconds under.
[Adm. Hopper, who passed away approx. Jan 3, was known for holding up
a piece of wire, one foot long, at her lectures and explaining "This is
one nanosecond", that is at 3.00 x 10^8 meters per second, electricity
travels one foot in one nanosecond.]
english.969dejanr,
Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were
invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was
partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa. After many hands, the
Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the
door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room,
his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the
Colonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it; this is the first
time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand."
english.970dejanr,
A new slogan you probably (won't) see at a motel near you soon:
"Wilt Chamberlain slept here"
english.971dejanr,
This was overheard at a campus eating establishment.
A guy grumbled at his friend, and then said "Sorry, I'm in a bad mood
today". The friend asks why, and the guy replies quite mater-of-factly
"Well, I'm in grad school"
english.972dejanr,
From the Microsoft Word for Windows 2.0 User's Guide, p.35:
"When the grammar checker identifies an error, it suggests a
correction and can even makes some changes for you."
english.973dejanr,
Here is a psychiatrist joke I heard many years
ago. I forget the source. I think the joke has
classic potential.
Man visits psychiatrist:
Man: "Doctor, Doctor I have a problem."
Psy: "Tell me about it."
Man: "Doctor, Doctor I like mashed potatoes."
Psy: "There's nothing wrong with that. I also
like mashed potatoes."
Man: "Wonderful, would you like to come over and
see my collection some time."
english.974dejanr,
The blacksmith shop was in the older side of town where the
retireds gathered to spit and whittle. They were of the habit
of visiting the smithy, though he did not encourage them.
Old Jake took himself pretty seriously, and he was, as usual
in such cases, quite alone in that opinion. He never let on
there was anything he didn't know. He was experienced in all
phases of human existance, and did not mind if you knew it.
Jake ambled on by the forge and idly reached for one of a row
of horseshoes on the firewall before it. Jake didn't realize
at the time, though he very quickly had an inkling, that the
shoes had only seconds ago lost the reddish-white tint they
have when first out of the fire.
Jake dropped the metal with a clang and jammed his smoking
hand into his pants and attempted to whistle with jaws of
pure granite to stifle a scream. The smithy saw all this
out of the corner of his eye.
"Might warm, warn't it?" asked the smithy with a near-smile.
"Nope," asserted Jake. "Just don't take me long to look at
a horseshoe."
[A Bonham, Texas, local legend]
english.975dejanr,
Gentlemen:
While my career occupies much of my time, I do programming at home
as a hobby. I noticed a new addition to your library with the recent
release of your new C Compiler. I was having a problem, which I was
finally able to overcome by using one of the undocumented calls.
#include <stdio.h>
main()
{
printf("hello world\n");
}
MICROSOFT C COMPILER Version 6.3
Copyright 1992 Microsoft Corporation All Rights Reserved.
10342: Line 5, unknown function 'printf'
MICROSOFT Object FIle Link Utility Version 4.09
Copyright 1991 Microsoft Corporation All Rights Reserved.
No object file: test.obj
Abnormal Program Termination
#include <stdio.h>
#include <sys/hidden/bribe.h>
main()
{
printf("Hello world\n");
}
MICROSOFT C COMPILER Version 6.3
Copyright 1992 Microsoft Corporation All Rights Reserved.
MICROSOFT Object File Link Utility Version 4.09
Copyright 1991 Microsoft Corporation All Rights Reserved.
Output File: test.exe
Program completed without error.
I couldn't help but notice that my VISA account was debited $18.42 each
time that I ran the compiler, and that on each successful completion, my
modem would dial and connect with an unknown system.
I don't mean to complain, but wished to inquire about the notice which
was on the envelope containing the diskettes which came with my purchase.
"Breaking of this seal affirms a contractual agreement between the
Purchaser and the Microsoft Corporation. The Purchaser agrees to
abide by the terms and conditions of the License conditionally
granted by the Microsoft Corporation. Copies of this licence may
be obtained by ordering a copy of it from our purchasing department.
The cost for a copy of the license is $99.00 and includes a copy of
MSDOS Version 4.0. Continued use of this product may incur subsequent
user charges as outlined in the contract. The Microsoft Corporation
assumes no liabilities for the use of this product, and offers no
warranties, expressed or implied. Damage to systems or loss of business
revenues through the use of this software shall be deemed amusing."
After contacting your organization in an attempt to return the compiler, I
was told that I would be assessed a $400.00 restocking fee. Since I only
paid $197 for the product, I felt that this was a bit exhorbinant. After
ending the conversation with your Customer Service Department, I noted that
another debit from my VISA account. The debit was made in favor of Microsoft
and was labelled "consultation fee."
This letter is not to complain about your business policies, but instead
recognizes the stability and cash flow that Microsoft enjoys as a result of
them. Since your policies reflect closely my own aims in my career, and
there is a significant possibility that I may be available in a few months,
I would like to interview for a position at Microsoft. A copy of my resume
has been sent under separate cover.
Sincerely,
George Bush.
Submitted: Bob Kirkpatrick,
Dog Ear'd Systems of Spokane, WA.
english.976dejanr,
Marriage Proposal During a Bridge Hand
(East and West pass thoroughout)
N: One Diamond (ring) : "Let us be partners forever"
S: Two Clubs (to the head) : "I don't think we have a fit"
N: Two Hearts (in accord) : "I'm still looking for a major contract"
S: Three _NO_ (!!!) : "Get lost, you creep."
N: Pass : "That's okay, I can still make slam with Suzi."
english.977dejanr,
Three dry cleaning companies all did business on the same block of the
city, and competition was very fierce indeed. One day, in an effort to
bolster its reputation, one of the companies put up a big neon sign:
BEST DRY CLEANERS IN THE CITY
Two weeks went by, and that store did get more business, to the
detriment of the other two stores. So the second company put up an even
bigger, fancier sign:
BEST DRY CLEANERS IN THE WORLD
Two weeks went by, and the second store stole some business. Then the
last company put up a modest little sign, after which it gained by far
the lion's share of the business:
best dry cleaners on the block
english.978dejanr,
In The Oregonian, a Meier and Frank department store
advertisement for womens bras and panties reads:
"The perfect gift for that special woman in your life,
or great to keep for yourself."
english.979dejanr,
A friend of mine told me this story about his sister,
a veteranarian, who had to visit the doctor. The doctor asked
her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they
been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:
"Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind
of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription,
and handed it to her, with the words: "there you are. Of course,
if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
english.980dejanr,
Steve is an avid golfer. Goes to tournaments, golfs every weekend, LIVES
for golf. Normally plays very good. However, Steve tells of one game,
about half way through, when his score went right down the toilet. He
was playing pretty good until...
Steve had recently moved from out-of-state to Boise, Idaho. One weekend as
he played a round of golf on one of the more popular courses in town, he
caught up with two other golfers on the course. Steve asked if they would
mind if he "played through" and got ahead of them. The older man, seeing that
Steve was by himself, invited Steve to join them and play as a group. Steve
thought that that would be alright, introduced himself, "Hello, I'm Steve
Welker." and offered his hand.
The older gentleman shook it and said, "Hello, Steve. I'm John Evans and
this is my son." and he introduced the younger man with him.
They started to play the next hole. John said, "Where are you from, Steve?
You new here in Idaho?"
Steve remarked that as-a-matter-of-fact he had just moved into Idaho from
Portland, Oregon where he had been most of his life.
John asked, "What do you do here in Idaho, Steve?"
Steve replied, "Well, I'm a private investigator. I investigate cases of
insurance fraud and court settlements." Steve went on to talk about some of
the things he had done, crawling through underbrush for hours with a camera
to take pictures of a "handicapped" man hauling wood, a prostitute that was
suing in an auto accident case, and such. (But those are another story.)
After a bit, though, Steve felt guilty because he had been doing all the
talking, he said, "What do you do, John?"
John's face got one of those 'I-thought-you-would-never-ask' looks as he
said, "Well, Steve, I'm the Governor of Idaho!"
And it is at that point that Steve's score went down the toilet.
english.981dejanr,
Yes! It's the big, big, SOVIET UNION LIQUIDATION SALE!
Come down to our Formerly Communist Countries factory outlet for this
RED tag sale! We handled East Germany! We had Poland on the shelves before
anyone else! We buy the republics directly from the supplier, and pass the
savings on to you!
Still as cheap as when prices where fixed!
Russian S.S.R. - 5 cents an acre! Huge democratic nations in the habit of
making large purchases, take note!
Georgia - temporarily unavailable...
The Ukraine - Impress your Risk-playing friends! Includes free large blue
Roman numerals V and X!
Tadzhikistan - Our supplier says we're crazy! But yes, only $59.95!!!!!
Byelorussia - Was $49.95, now HALF OFF at $49.45!
Visa/MC/Amex, rubles not accepted.
english.982dejanr,
I heard the following unintentional pun on NPR this morning:
"Although President Bush is satisfied with the trade agreements
with the Japanese, executives of the big 3 automakers are
displeased with the ACCORD."
english.983dejanr,
It occurred to me this morning that many system design flaws can be traced to
unwarrantedly anthropomorphizing the user.
english.984dejanr,
>From the latest issue of Playboy,
Sign seen in a parking lot of a Planned Parenthood clinic -
"PLEASE PULL OUT CAREFULLY" !
Ram Mohan Srinivasan
english.985dejanr,
What can a girl learn from the William Kennedy Smith trial?
1) Never date someone with sweet innocent expression. He may actually *be*
sweet and innocent, but if not he'll never get convicted. Date someone
who looks dangerous, just in case.
2) Do not drive Mazda RX-7
3) Do not wear black lace underwear
4) For 3 AM walk on beach, keep pantyhose on
5) Scream, but since everyone will swear they didn't hear you scream, say
you couldn't scream
6) Rip own clothes if necessary
7) Better injuries an absolute must. Bite tongue for blood, hit arms and legs
with hammer. If all else fails, ride on roller coaster next day.
8) Call rescuers who are not going to (a) steal vase (b) sell out to sleazy
talk shows
9) Sell out to sleazy talk shows. Better than winning case.
and most importantly,
10) Always ask to see at least two ID's.
english.986dejanr,
I saw this in comp.unix.wizards. I think it belongs here...
Warner
From: jim@cs.strath.ac.uk (Jim Reid)
In article <1991Dec6.023729.19328@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu> creiman@ncsa.uiuc.edu
(Charl
Email or post, it doesn't matter to me. I'm not paying for the bandwidth.
There it is: a summary of USENET in 14 words.
english.987dejanr,
Free Software Folks FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Somewhere near MIT April 1, 1992
FSF announces GNU GNURM, the new, improved network worm!
Tired of old, outdated, buggy worms clogging up your system? Then
be happy to know that FSF, the people who've done more to destroy
intellectual property that anyone else, are proud to announce the
release of GNURM 1.0. Even better, GNURM is being released into
the public domain (and the public data networks), so it's
absolutely free. You don't have to go and get GNURM, GNURM will
come and get you!
What GNURM does:
Using advanced techniques that could only be programmed by people
who have grants, trust funds, or other means by which they don't
have to work for a living, GNURM roams the networks, using little
known bugs, stupid errors by sysadms, and other methods that you
couldn't possibly understand to ensconce itself in your system.
Once there, GNURM provides your system with the many benefits that
the FSF has decided you need!
* GNURM updates all your old, tired utilities to the
brand-new, shiny, GNU versions!
* GNURM's advanced AI frees your software from the bondage
of copyright laws by seeking out and destroying any
copyright statements in the code or source (thus saving
valuable disc space). GNURM's special GNUTRON BOMB
feature destroys intellectual property rights, while
leaving the code standing!
* Best of all, when GNURM has finished, it moves itself
onto your friends computer, spreading goodwill and
copylefts everywhere it goes.
Don't waste time, get GNU'd today!
Processor cycles are precious things, and it takes a lot of them to
crack your root password. This could result in some slowdowns for
your friends as GNURM tries to access your system. Don't be impolite.
Change your root password to GNU today! You'll be glad you did
tomorrow!
+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| Robert J. Woodhead, Biar Games / AnimEigo, Incs. trebor@foretune.co.jp |
| ``If you want to stab someone in the back, Bernard, you must first get |
| behind them!'' -- Sir Humphrey Appleby on the mechanics of politics. |
english.988dejanr,
A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishoners who he knew
as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed
that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his
fingers over the grit and grime. She replied, "They're as clean as soap
and water could get them". He felt a bit apprehensive but blessed the food
anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite
the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and barked
"Here Soap! Here Water!"
english.989dejanr,
Seen written on a stall in a mens bathroom in Wisconsin:
My wife follows me everywhere.
Written just below it:
I do not.
english.990dejanr,
Q: What is the difference between an Italian grandmother
and a Jewish grandmother?
A: One says, "If you don't eat, I'll kill you," and the
other says, "If you don't eat, I'll kill myself."
english.991dejanr,
Here is my third Institute of Fuzzy Science bulletin. I wrote it shortly
after The Bad News came out about Hubble...
IFS and the Hubble Space Telescope
There has been a great furor recently over the realization that
the Hubble Space Telescope is a very sick optical instrument.
Amidst finger-pointing and name-calling, it has become clear that
the optics involved were not tested adequately.
"We goofed," admitted one high-ranking NASA official, who
asked to remain anonymous. "I mean, what with one thing and
another, the space shuttle blowing up, bad weather in Washington,
and the rising price of dairy products...well, we were years behind
schedule. Years and years. Years and years and years. Who ever
thought we'd actually get around to launching the damned thing?
Then, you know, you let things slide for a while, then all of a
sudden, blammo, you've got to stuff the thing into the cargo bay,
and you suddently remember all the stuff you've been putting off,
like not taking down the storm windows at home, or filling out
your income tax returns, or testing the mirror with collimated
light. It could happen to anyone."
Yet in the cross-fire of accusations and bureaucratic
posterior-covering, the dedicated thinkers at the Institute of Fuzzy
Science have been quietly working to correct the problem. While
conventional scientific techniques look dubious at best, the bolder
approach of IFS may soon bear fruit.
"At JPL," commented Institute scientist Hier O. Nymous,
"they're talking about putting additional optics in the camera to
correct the problem. That's just giving the telescope a crutch to
lean on; it doesn't get at the root of the problem." Nymous's
solution is to boost into orbit a copy of See Without Glasses by
Ralph MacFayden. "With the proper exercises and the right mental
attitude, it should be able to correct the problem without artificial
aid. The paperback version of MacFayden's book could be purchased
and launched at very low cost."
Dr. Nymous, one of the Institute's most distinguished
scientists, is the author of numerous theories on almost as many
subjects. One of his most controversial ideas is that mass
extinctions have occured periodically throughout the history of
life, due to infections caused by the dumping of garbage from an
alien restaurant. This restaurant normally orbits the sun at a
distance too great to be noticed. Periodically, though, its highly
eccentric orbit brings it near the Earth, where it dumps the trash
that has accumulated in the previous several million years. For
evidence, he cites the much debated discovery of hamburger
wrappings in a layer of Jurassic rock. Detractors suggest that the
wrappings might have become mixed in with the other fossils by a
careless field worker, who'd been eating on the job. Nymous
dismisses these criticisms. His co-workers have suggested the
name "Nymous's" for the alien restaurant, and the theory is
commonly known as the '"Nymous's" hypothesis'.
Another Institute worker, Simon Earnest, questions the need
for the HST at all. "My radical new optical theory permits us to
make images here on the ground that are sharper than anything the
Hubble could provide, even if it were functioning perfectly," he
declares.
In proof of this he has produced a number of photographs of
distant galaxies. Individual stars stand out with remarkable
clarity against the darkness of the sky. No blurring at all is
observed, though Earnest claims that the shots are well beyond the
range of any telescope in use today.
"These stars," he says, "are so far away it just makes my head
swim. You know Timbuktu? It's like the corner store, compared to
this. I mean, we're talking far, here. Andromeda is in the next
room, by comparison. Mucho distant, do you get what I'm saying?"
On being shown the photographs, this reporter was surprised to
notice the presence of a watermark in the middle of the sky. When
asked whether these stars were not in fact just pinholes in a sheet
of black construction paper with a light behind it, Dr. Earnest
answered easily:
"Well, maybe a little. But it doesn't really make any
difference. You've seen one star, you've seen them all."
-- Anon E. Muss
english.992dejanr,
Bible scholars have long wondered how old Isaac was when his father
Abraham took him up to the mountain top to offer him as a sacrifice.
Through careful study of the story as related in the Old Testament,
based on the following facts:
1) Issac was old enough to understand the ritual of sacrifice,
2) Issac was old enough to carry wood for the fire to the top of the
mountain,
3) Issac was old enough to notice that they were not bringing an animal
for the sacrifice.
Therefore Issac's age, at this time, was greater than 8 years old.
Scholars also conclude that he was younger than 12 years old as
supported by the following fact:
If Issac had been older than twelve, he would have been a
teenager and it would not have been a sacrifice.
english.993dejanr,
How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
english.994dejanr,
A friend was being relocated from San Francisco to Athens, Greece for a two
year assignment. The relocation policy allowed him to bring up to 10,000 pounds
of possessions in each direction. However to prevent abuse he was allowed to
bring back only 1.5 times as much as he brought. Since he only owned about
2,500 pounds he called the VP Personnel at the East Coast headquarters and with
a terrific noise in the background shouted:
Friend: "Do I have this right. I can bring 10,000 pounds back from Greece, but
only if I bring 6,667 pounds with me?"
VP: "That's right."
Friend: "Well, I'm here at the South San Francisco Scrap Iron Works, and they
have a sale on anvils. Should I buy a couple of tons and ship them to
Greece? Or will you waive the policy?"
The policy was waived. The VP gave my friend a hand written note saying "...
can bring back up to 10,000 pounds with the exceptions of overweight Greek
women, significant pieces of the Greek coastline, and anvils."
english.995dejanr,
It's been said:
"Build a better mousetrap, and the world will beat a path to your door."
But that's not the purpose of a mousetrap, is it?
english.996dejanr,
>From The Capitol Steps' New Years special (player imitating George Bush):
I want to address this domestic issue thing. Three little
words: LOW INTEREST RATE.
When it comes to domestic issues, I have a LOW INTEREST RATE.
english.997dejanr,
>Renault's "Le car" has the words "Le car" painted in rather large
>letters on the side of the car. My French teacher in high school told
>the class that she once knew someone who hated his Le car so much, he
>changed the name on the side to...
>
> L'escargot
A couple of years ago, over here Renault ran a campaign along the lines of
"Why's your all new Renault 5 called..."
Dallas was still pretty popular then and someone came out with
"Why's your all new Renault 5 called Sue-Ellen?"
"Cos it drinks like a fish and's always breaking down"
english.998dejanr,
Here's my two elephant jokes that may be old, but good (ok, they're stupid,
but dammit, I like 'em!)
What is a mouse?
----> An elephant built by the Japanese!!!!
What do elephants use for tampons?
----> Sheep!!!!
english.999dejanr,
At our planned parenthood clinic, no one ever used the front door. So they
finally closed it off and moved a desk in front of it. Just in case, they
put a sign on the front door directing people to the door in use.
"Enter at rear"
english.1000dejanr,
There was this man and he was a huge fan and hobbiest of tractors. He
had posters of Zeiter and Massy-Fergusson on his wall, subscibed to
Tractor Monthly and basically his whole life revolved around tractors.
But there was one small problem. He had absolutely no luck with women - he
would go up to them in bars, buy them a drink but as soon as he mentioned
tractors they would just walk away.
So he decided to something about it. He visited a friend renowned for being
a ladies man and asked him what he was doing wrong.
"What do you mean ?" the friend asked
"Well I go up to them, buy them a drink but as soon as I start talking they
just walk away"
"What do you talk about ?"
"Well you know I'm big into tractors and all that, so I sometimes I might
mention the new turbo Zeiter or something "
"That could be your problem - tell you what, forget all about tractors for
a while, put them out of your mind, cancel the magazines, get rid of the
posters. Don't talk about them to anyone, especially the girls"
So he thought about it and decided to give it a go. One night he is in this
bar and he idles up to this nice attractive blond and starts a conversation
with her. About an hour and a half later he can't believe his luck, the
girl is still there! So they contiunue talking and have a few more
drinks and get to know each other even more.
But after a while, the girl starts rubbing her eyes and says
"My God the smoke in her is ridiculous! My eyes hurt so much, I'm gonna
have to get some clean air"
But he stops her and says,
"No don't go, I can solve this for you"
With this, he sucks in a HUGE breath of air, until his lungs almost
bulge out of his chest. He goes outside and exhales it. When he comes
back in, the air in the bar is totally clean and pure and the girl is
looking amazed and impressed.
"How the hell did you do that ?" she asked.
He shrugs and says,
"Well, you see I'm an ex-tractor fan"
english.1001dejanr,
First mention of an automobile was in Genesis:
"And God drove Adam and Eve from the Garden in His Fury."
(Thanks to Tom & Ray. That's "Klik & Klak" to you.)
english.1002dejanr,
A co-worker's 4 year old told her this one:
How do you catch an elephant?
You did a big hole, 20 feet wide and 30 feet deep and 60 feet
long (huge...). You spread a layer of ashes all over the bottom
and put a pile of peanuts in the center.
Then you hide in the bushes and wait for an elephant to smell
the peanuts. He will come up to the edge of the hole to sniff.
And you sneak up behind him and kick him in the ash hole.
(Perceptive little monster, that kid.)
english.1003dejanr,
A young man is at a bus stop and notices a blind woman next to him.
He decides to be evil for a moment and places his dick in her hand.
See turns to him and says " It's a cruel world isn't it."
He replies, confused "What to you mean?"
"Well ", she says, "Here I am born blind, and you
born with no nail on your thumb."
english.1004dejanr,
> I just heard this one from my brother. Don't know if it's been
> posted already, but here goes:
>
> Two lawyers are sitting at a table in a restaurant <use any favorite
> location here> and they see a very attractive woman walk by.
>
> The first lawyer turns to the second and says, " Boy, would I like
> to screw her!"
>
> The other lawyer pauses for a second, and responds, "Oh Yeah? Out of What?"
Two bums are sitting on a park bench, watching a dog lick himself.
"Gee," remarks one, "I sure wish I could do that."
"Well, maybe you can," comments the other, "but maybe you oughta try
petting him first."
english.1005dejanr,
Reality is just a sick excuse for those who are
unable to handle drugs.
So remember that Rome was not built in a day but
that Cleaveland was.
Remember also that constipation is a structured artform
but that diarhea is avant garde.
english.1006vbole,
> Sign seen in a parking lot of a Planned Parenthood clinic -
>
> "PLEASE PULL OUT CAREFULLY" !
Anything about how to PUT IN ??
english.1007vbole,
> When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and barked
> "Here Soap! Here Water!"
Pa sta, neki tako peru noge godinama...
english.1008ndragan,
/ Anything about how to PUT IN ??
Spectrum user manual, chapter 19: IN and OUT
english.1009bearboy,
An irishman, who did not go to church, walked around in the streets of his
little village, and he met a priest. He was not going to the church for quite
a time, so the priest said :
- Good morning, son of the devil !
The irishman's reply was :
- Good morning, father !
PS. This was translated from hungarian by me, so I'm sorry if there were any
mistakes
english.1010bearboy,
Once upon a time, an irishman met a priest. Here is what they said :
Priest : Good morning.
Irishman : Good morning, father. A strange thing happened yesterday.
Priest : What ?
Irishman : I saw you in my dream !
Priest : Really ? And what did I do there ?
Irishman : I dremt that I was dead, and I was going to heaven. There was
a high stairway leading up, and an angel. The angel said to me "Here is a
piece of chalk, and mark a staircase for a sin you made" And as I was going up,
markig the staircases with crosses, I met you coming down.
Priest : What was I doing there ?
Irishman : Well, I asked you the same question, and you answered "I'm going
down to get more chalk"
english.1011dejanr,
Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.
english.1012dejanr,
Q: What is an optimist?
A: An IBM'er who, on Sunday, irons FIVE white shirts.
english.1013dejanr,
This maybe something of a 'college legend', but I heard it as true:
A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final:
"What is courage?". The student wrote "This.", signed it, and turned it in.
I never knew what happened to the student, but I hope he got an A.
================================
The "What is courage?" final exam question is a classic urban legend,
with several other variations. But here's an original joke that it
made me think of (I thought it topical since it referred to a recent
posting):
A student taking a mythology class had a single question on his final:
"What is an urban legend?". The student wrote "This is.", signed it,
and turned it in.
english.1014dejanr,
Saw this on an AP photo...
The picture portrays a group of auto workers protesting the recent statement
by the Japanese Speaker of Parliment in which he accused Americans of being
lazy and illiterate.
A man was holding a scruffy sign which declared:
"Japan says:
Your illiterate.
Ban Japanese Imports!"
english.1015dejanr,
I heard this story on a Paul Harvey broadcast.
A woman, worried about crime, started to carry a hand-gun. Five months
after she'd begun carrying her gun she came out to her car in a dark
parking lot and found it occupied by four men. She ordered them out.
They refused to move; she pulled her gun. Instantly four doors
popped open and her car's occupants fled into the night. Then, as she
started to load her groceries into the car, she noticed her car (same
make and model) parked three spots away.
english.1016dejanr,
Seen in "The Sydney Morning Herald", Saturday, January 4 1992 "Column
8" section:
"The Japanese seem to have got the Christmas message mixed up.
Steve McKenna of Glebe (suburb of Sydney, Aust.) reports that in one
Tokyo department store Santa Claus is nailed to the cross."
english.1017dejanr,
Why would one buy a 486SX? Good question. If one were shopping for a car,
you would need to be in the market for a BMW, but you can't really afford
it, so your willing to let the dealer take the engine out and put in a
Yugo engine instead.
Later when you're tired of moving up hills at 5 mph., you go back to the
dealer and buy a real BMW which he then bolts the side of your BMW, pats
you on the back and asks you how you're going to use all that extra room
you have.
english.1018dejanr,
I have a little "first aid tips" card. You pull the tab down till
the indicator points to an ailment, and the little window displays
symptoms and treatment. My roommate Tom Matches got hold of it and
modified the treatments somewhat. (The symptoms are what the card
actually says):
APPENDICITIS Pain in right lower abdomen. Who cares? It's a
Nausea, possible vomiting vestigial organ anyway.
and fever. Give him an aspirin.
BURNS and Redness, mild swelling, and Peel away dead skin. Rub
SCALDS pain. Blisters may develop. vigorously to encourage
good circulation.
CONVULSION Strong, jerking movements; Sit on victim. Laugh at
stiff body. Difficulty him until he gets
breathing. Bluish face. embarrassed and stops.
Eyes rolled back, gritting
of teeth, frothy mouth.
CROUP Noisy, difficult breathing. Stuff a sock in victim's
Hoarse, barking cough. mouth.
CUTS and Cuts bleed and hurt. Call victim a sissy and
BRUISES Bruises get red, swollen, and send him back out to
and hurt. play.
DOG BITE Redness, swelling and Scold victim. Shoot dog.
bleeding if skin is broken.
Fear of the dog.
DROWNING Unconscious, pale or blue Talk about what a great
skin. guy he was.
EARACHE Pain. Possible dizziness Listen to one hour of
or discharge from ear. Motley Crue. THEN you'll
Possible fever. know what an earache is.
FAINTING Pale, clammy skin, Before victim revives, take
dizziness, shallow his wallet and clothes and
breathing, sweating and put him on a bus to Toledo.
temporary unconsciousness.
FEVER Body temperature over Administer 4 oz. of 'Old
98.6 degrees F (37 C). Jayhawk' [cheap whiskey]
Hot forehead. every 2 hours.
FROSTBITE Skin flushed, then changing Submerge in boiling water.
to white or greyish yellow.
Blister may appear. Cold
and numb. Pain.
HEAT High temperature. Pale and Lock up victim in walk-in
EXHAUSTION clammy skin, or hot and freezer for 1-2 hours.
flushed skin. Headache and
weakness. Possible nausea.
INSECT BITES Pain and redness at the Capture insect and mash to
and STINGS site of the sting or bite. paste. Dissolve in one
Possible allergic reactions cup of milk and have victim
such as shock or difficulty drink.
breathing.
NOSEBLEED Profuse bleeding from the Apply tourniquet to
nose. victim's neck.
POISONING Symptoms vary. Throat or Give 1 tbsp lye in ammonia
stomach pains. Mouth burns. solution to flush system.
Vomiting. Drowsiness.
SHOCK Victim pale and weak. Grasp victim firmly by the
Clammy skin, perspiration on shoulders and shake,
upper lip and forehead. shouting, "Snap out of it!"
Pulse rate and breathing
rate are increased.
STROKE Unconscious. Heavy Kiss patient goodbye.
breathing. Apparent It's all over.
weakness in face or limbs on
one side of body. Inability
to speak.
SUNBURN Redness, mild swelling, and Remove reddened skin with
pain. Possible blisters. sandpaper. Soak affected
area in alcohol.
SWALLOWING Dangerous when in air Shout, "Hey, dumbshit,
FOREIGN passages. Voilent coughing spit that out! Whatsa
BODIES and choking. Bluish facial matter with you!"
discoloration. Breathing
may stop.
TOOTHACHE Pain. Tooth is sensitive Alternate administration of
to hot and cold food and hot coffee and ice cream.
fluids.
Tom Magliery
t-magliery@uiuc.edu
english.1019dejanr,
Drugs have taught an entire generation of
American kids the metric system.
-- P.J. O'Rourke
Vancouver Sun, Dec. 20, 1991
english.1020dejanr,
This was relayed to me by a friend who went to Sweden for training in
psychoanalysis. As an introduction to the subject, he had to answer
the following question:
You are a novice psychoanalyst, and your first patient enters the
room. The patient asks, "What time is it?" Do you answer
a) Tell me more about yourself.
b) Have you ever asked your father/mother that question?
c) We still have fifty more minutes.
d) What time do _you_ think it is?
english.1021dejanr,
Read in Herb Caen's column in the San Francisco Chronicle 12/18/91:
(paraphrased)
Man in Toys-R-Us to Saleswoman: Does Barbie come with Ken?
Saleswoman: No, Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken.
english.1022dejanr,
Former heavyweight boxing champ Mike Tyson has just been
convicted of one count of rape and two counts of criminal
deviate conduct. He will be sentenced next month and faces
up to 60 years in prison.
It is rumored that he wants to give agent/promoter Don King
10% of the sentence.
english.1023dejanr,
Reagan adds new meaning to the saying "...sleep your way to the top."
english.1024dejanr,
I have a friend in Maine who lives out in the country in a house he and
his wife built. One day he was talking to his nephew and the following
conversation ensued.
"Uncle, do people _buy_ houses?"
"Yes."
"How do they get them home?"
english.1025dejanr,
With all the attention that the Dow breast implants have been getting lately,
I wondered why no one else has been manufacturing these "devices" except
Dow.
Then I realized that everyone else was probably afraid of a "look and
feel" lawsuit...
english.1026dejanr,
As told to me by my friend Dave...
The Differences Between Intel Chips
By Dave Smith
For those who are confused by the various processor offering by Intel,
here's a quick guide to clear you up.
8086: A spacious closet. Has four walls and plenty of shelf space.
It's a lot better than keeping your stuff in stacked cardboard
boxes like you had to with the 8080
8088: A spacious clost like the 8086, but lacks the mirrored doors
and instead uses a narrower door made of standard plywood.
Not as pretty, but a less expensive.
80186: Still a closet with the mirrored doors, but now includes a
new railing to hang your clothes and this one is bolted on,
not that wooden thing that always falls when you bump it off.
Also the doors run on a better track. Not the greatest, but
the builder was a little slow.
80286: A closet as with the 8086, but includes a small trap door
on the ceiling that you can climb up with great effort to
reach a larger attic to store stuff in. The door is sufficiently
small that you can only shove small things in or out of it.
80386: A 1930s victorian house somewhat rundown, but acceptable.
Has a closet, but also has a large garage. You can be
in the garage or the closet, but you can't have a closet
or a workbench in the garage. An option in building allows
you to build out the house into several small closet size
apartments. Each occupant of an apartment is unaware they
have any neighbors. (Unless they give a note to you to post
on the board in front hall for other neighbors to see.)
80386SX: Another 1930s house, but this one doesn't have the double
doors in the entry.
80486: A small condo with closets.
80486SX: The same condo, but with strong owners association. You can buy
the condo for less money, but you can't get the keys unless you
buy them from owners association for a large fee.
english.1027dejanr,
Apparantly, this friend (call her Diane), and her fiance (Jack) were
arguing one night. Diane got emotionally disturbed, a not too uncommon
event during her fifth month of pregnancy, and began to berate Jack for
making her pregnant, to which Jack replied:
" I was only poking fun. You're the one who took it seriously.."
english.1028dejanr,
--- start ---
From the "Unusual Case" column of _Aspects of Human Sexuality_,
July 1991, by William A Morton, Jr, MD. Reprinted without permission.
"Scrotum Self-Repair"
One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER
nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe
his problem other than to say that he "needed a doctor who took
care of men's problems." The patient, about 40, was pale,
febrile [feverish], and obviously uncomfortable, and had little
to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of
angry red and black-and-blue scrotal skin.
After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to
remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-
smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was
swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender.
A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down
the left scrotum.
Amid the matted hair, edematous [swollen] skin, and various
exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked
the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he
had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had
closed the laceration himself with a heavy-duty stapling gun.
The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in
putting up wallboard.
We X-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the staples; admitted
him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-
spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths
prior to surgery the next morning. The procedure consisted of
exploration and debridement [removal of dead skin] of the left
side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved,
and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis
had been avulsed [ripped or torn out] and was missing. The stump
of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal,
debrided, and the vessels ligated [tied off] properly, though not
much of a hematoma [pocket of blood] was present. Through-and-
through Penrose drains [?] were sutured loosely in site, and the
skin was loosely closed.
Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the
hospital less than a week later, the patient confided the rest of
his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the
machine shop at lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself
alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by
holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large
floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he
approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close
to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the
pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and
landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left
testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the
wound closed and resumed work.
I can only assume he abandoned this method of self-gratification.
--- end ---
My sister had two thoughts:
1) is this covered by Workmans' Comp?
2) in a machine shop somewhere, somebody is asking "Hey Joe,
what's the dog playing with over there?"
Gee, talk about blowing your wad...
english.1029dejanr,
TeleJokeBook
REC.HUMOR.FUNNY Computer Network Humour Annual
Volume IV : The Best of 1991
Again this year, I have collected over 500 of the best jokes from the
latest year of rec.humor.funny, typeset them and placed them in a book
for netters to enjoy and give as gifts to their enemies for the holiday
season. It's $9.95 USD.
This year's book contains a special large chapter at the back -- the Gulf
War Jokebook. Over 15,000 words of *new* material about the war with Iraq.
This war spawned more material than any event I know of, and I've collected
all the ones that weren't recycled from previous conflicts here.
The book also contains a description of USENET and a short history of
the attempts to ban the newsgroup in various places. This year it is
emblazoned "Ban lifted at the University of Waterloo."(*)
The book has a 2 colour cover with illustration by Ty Templeton.
The winners of the 1991 RHF original comedy awards are included.
Also available are Volume I (1987 & 88), Volume II (1989) and Volume III
(1990).
Volume I is 33% larger and contains 14 original cartoons by Ty Templeton.
This year there is a deal on the package of all four books, or multiples of
Volume IV.
I never repeat material in rec.humor.funny, so for those of you who joined
after it started, and for the many of you who request back-jokes from the
group, these are the books to get. Many people buy them even when they know
all the jokes, just to get them in a nice form.
This all started in 1987 when I made a short collection (Volume \0) as a
Christmas gift for family and friends. (Somehow, I don't think they
meant books when they said that the best Christmas gifts are the ones
you make yourself.) Everybody liked them, so in 1988, and again in 1989,
I offered to the net and got an enthusiastic response. (Plus the usual
dorkish flames from Matt Crawford.) Perhaps those who got the first
or second book will review it some time in rec.humor.d or rec.arts.books.
If you are giving the book as a Christmas gift, the rot13 jokes are all in
one section at the back you can rip out if it's going to your mother. Or
Jonathan Richmond. As noted, USENET is explained for your mother, too.
I have also isolated the Computer/Science/Math jokes and the USENET jokes
into their own chapters. Non-computer folks can avoid them, and you can
read these chapters in front of your friends while laughing riotously,
allowing you to feel superior.
The "Oldies but Goodies" section contains most of the good jokes that I
rejected as "too well known to the net." When I say that, it means I think
about 50% of the readers will be tired of the joke -- but there will still
be plenty that you haven't heard.
This year's book, like last year's, is offset printed and perfect bound.
It costs the same as Volumes II and III.
Shipping & handling costs vary with where you are and how many books you
order. You can order by mail or via credit card and my company's 800 number --
ordering instructions for different areas follow in other postings.
The book is here and ready to ship. In fact, it's been here a week or two
but we've been too busy with what George Bush would call the "work thing"
to take orders. In the past, I always had it ready for Christmas, but my
move nixed that. I'll soon discover if most of the orders were for gifts :-(.
And (obviously) we won't be giving away these books as a promo at
USENIX/Uniforum '92 like we did last year, since that was a few weeks ago!
CAVEAT: This book contains jokes with swearing, sexual references and sick
or offensive themes. Some jokes involve racism or sexism and are in a
special section that can be removed. This book is not suitable for children,
presidents of the University of Waterloo, computer center head honchos at
Stanford or civil engineering grad students at MIT.
Discussion to rec.humor.d, flames to dev.null.
(*) Yes, the ban was finally lifted at UW after a long fight. However
Richmond is still active and joke-banners are everywhere. Anyway, I
pledge to use every dollar from this book to ... well, to pay for the
printing and preparation, and if I get that paid for, I pledge to use
every dollar to help myself enjoy saying, "nyah, nyah" to those who ban
things.
I will also use some of the money for the prize money in the 1991 RHF/TeleJoke
original joke awards. (Details in the next posting)
Note: This is only half (the best half, I hope!) of the material from this
year. That means that even if you had a posting this year, it is not
at all certain that you're in the book. Good luck, though.
TeleJokeBook
Rec.humor.funny Computer Network Humour Annual
Ordering Instructions
Volume I: Contains 1987 and 1988, over 700 jokes + 14 cartoons. Light
Bulb jokes, Purity Test & More
Volume II: Contains 1989, over 500 jokes + description of attempts to ban
newsgroup
Volume III: Contains 1990, over 500 jokes + new "True News" chapter.
Volume IV: Contains 1991, plus special "Iraq War" chapter.
All books contain 2 chapters of general jokes, plus chapters of Computer
& Science jokes, topical humour, USENET jokes, Classic jokes and Nasty,
evil jokes.
How to order the TeleJokeBooks worldwide:
(San Francisco Bay Area Folk -- look for another posting to find out how
to buy direct.)
You can use the mail, or order using my toll free 800 number in the USA
with a major credit card. I can send the book to you either by surface
mail (about 1 week) or air mail (a few days) as you choose.
If you order by mail, mail a check or money order to:
(Make check payable to ClariNet Communications Corp.)
Jokebook
c/o ClariNet Communications Corp
Box 1479
Cupertino, CA 95015-1479
Please include a mailing label for the return package. A stick on label
would be great, but a plain cut piece of paper would be fine. In your
order, include the number of copies you want, how you want them shipped,
and your EMAIL address in case there's any problem.
Toll Free Ordering
You can dial 1-800-USE-NETS (800-873-6387) from within the USA to order.
(Outside, dial 1-408-296-0366) When you call, please have ready with you:
- The type, card number and expiry date of your credit card.
(MasterCard, Visa or American Express) Also give your name here
if it's being mailed to a different person.
- The name and address to ship the book to.
- The number of books and type of shipping.
- Your EMAIL address in case there's any problem.
After hours, or when we're busy, the voicemail system can take orders.
Press 2, then 1 and listen for instructions. Finish each entry with
a touchtone code.
P R I C E S
Volume IV Volume III Volume II Volume I ALL
1991 1990 1989 1987 & 1988 FOUR
$9.95 USD $9.95 USD $9.95 USD $13 USD $39.95 USD
2-10 $9/book
California residents add 8.25% state sales tax.
Canadian residents: You can send us Canadian cheques. Multiply the USD
amount by 1.19 and send it in Canadian funds if you desire.
Shipping & Handling:
The following charts assume volumes 2-4. Volume 1 weighs a bit more than
volumes 2-4, so if you include multiple volume I copies, your shipping may
end up a little higher than this.
U.S.A shipping
Shipping is done via the mail. UPS is also available for large ground shipped
orders. We'll charge you UPS's price plus a dollar or so to cover packaging
and our time. UPS 2nd day air is $6 and next day is available.
Books Air Mail Surface Mail (book rate)
1 $4 $2
2 $4 $2.50
3-4 $5 $3 (Includes set of all 4 books)
5 $6.50 $3.50
Canada (USD)
Books Air Surface
1 $4 $2
2 $4.50 $3
3 $6 $3.50
4 $7 $3.50
5 $8.50 $4
Overseas
Books Air Surface
1 $6-$8 $2
2 $11-$14 $3.50
4 $18-$24 $4
For combinations of the books or unusual quantities we will bill you an
amount based on the actual postage and similar algorithm to that used above.
Or e-mail for an exact quote.
You can also order by E-MAIL if you are brave enough to include your credit
card information in non-secure USENET mail. Mail the order form below to
jokebook@clarinet.com. (Actually, if you're near UUNET or other major
sites it's probably fairly safe -- you can contest any non-signed credit
card billing anyway -- but I make *no* guarantees about the security of
net E-mail) Note as well that sending orders via the NSFnet (and some other
nets) may violate some network use guidelines.
You can also FAX credit card information, your name, address,
quantity of books and shipping method to 1-408-296-1668.
People in overseas areas are encouraged to arrange bulk orders,
where we can save a lot on consolidated air freight if it's 30 books or more.
We're also happy to work with people setting up bulk orders for other faraway
(or nearby) places.
======================================================================
Order Form (for electronic, fax or mailed credit card orders)
Mail to "jokebook@clarinet.com" via commerce-valid(*) E-mail path.
(*)Ie. not crossing the NSFNet or other restricted network. UUNET & CIX
member connections are OK.
Name: ________________
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english.1030dejanr,
This joke has four parts, OK? First part: A couple is out to dinner at a
restaurant. When the waitress comes, the man orders two steaks. The woman
says "Why did you order me a steak? I don't want a steak!" and the man
replies "Fuck you! *I'm* ordering the dinners here!"
Second part: The same couple is at home. The woman serves coffee and puts
a little cream in it. The man says, "Why did you put cream in the coffee?
I like black coffee!" and the woman replies "Fuck you! *I'm* making the
coffee here!"
Fourth part: . . .
[At this point, someone will say "You skipped the third part!" or "You
mean third" or something, at which point you finish off with the obvious:]
Fuck you! *I'm* telling the joke here!
[Suggestion: In a group, there's always some wiseass who will set up the
punch line. But if you're telling to only one or two, you might feign a
little confusion at the beginning ("Now I always get this joke out of
order, let me think . . .") which predisposes your hearers to "help out"
when you skip the third part.]
english.1031dejanr,
Note: A "b'rucha" is a Jewish blessing or prayer.
A devout Jewish man is shocked when his young son brings home a Christmas
tree. Not wanting to upset the boy, while remaining true to his beliefs,
he seeks the advice of his Orthodox rabbi. "Rabbi," he asks, "is there
a b'rucha to say over a Christmas tree?" "Christmas tree," replies the
puzzled rabbi, "what's a Christmas tree?"
Saddened, but undaunted, he decides to consult another rabbi, this time
a Conservative. "Rabbi," he asks, "is there a b'rucha to say over a
Christmas tree?" "Christmas tree," asks the rabbi, "what's a Christmas
tree?"
Finally, he visits a Reform rabbi, and poses the same question. "Rabbi,
is there a b'rucha one can say over a Christmas tree?" "B'rucha," asks
the rabbi, "what's a b'rucha?"
english.1032dejanr,
Computer-generated religion is not new -- we've been using it
to help us develop our beliefs for years. For example:
* The Eastern Sikh Faith believes that the Satanic Verses was
written by Walt Disney, and argues that Man will yield to
the Last Trump.
* The Funni Taoist Church denies that the Koran contains a
direct reference to Mumon, and argues that we should beware
Nirvana.
To generate YOUR own belief, choose one from each section below
(in best buzzword generator style):
The
*
Arian
Athanasian
Roman
Sunni
Funni
Eastern
Presbyterian
United Reform
Anglican
Jehovah's
Jewish
Fundamentalist
Shiite
Zen
Hari
Shinto
Zoroastrian
Christian
Salvation
Seventh Day
*
Catholic
Protestant
Muslim
Mussulman
Moonie
Mormon
Witnesses
Sikh
Buddhist
Krishna
Methodist
Fire-worshipper
Parsee
Theosophist
Science
Army
Adventist
Confucianist
Shamanist
Taoist
Atheist
*
Church
Faith
Sect
Heresy
*
believes that
denies that
is strongly divided over whether
*
the Bible
the Koran
the Magna Carta
the Kama Sutra
the Talmud
the Satanic Verses
the Mosaic Law
the book of Revelation
the collection of predictions of Nostradamus
Greek myth
every Norse saga
the Ten Commandments
the Apocrypha
the Athanasian creed
*
predicts the eventual supremacy of
contains a direct reference to
has been misunderstood by
proclaims the divinity of
is an insult to
was dictated by
was written by
contains the personal opinions of
was totally refuted by
can be deduced from the writings of
*
Isaiah,
Salman Rushdie,
the Ayatollah,
Thomas Aquinas,
Billy Graham,
the Angel Gabriel,
St Paul,
Mahomet,
Walt Disney,
Ezekiel,
Dan Quayle,
Gautama Buddha,
Odin and Thor
Pope John-Paul II,
Adolf Hitler,
Bishop Spong,
Mumon,
Martin Scorcese,
Demons,
*
and
*
says
claims
argues
*
that
*
we should strive for
the world will end with
we should beware
next week we shall see
the ungodly are about to experience
only the faithful will achieve
the chosen ones have already experienced
Man will yield to
idols are propitiated by
*
Reincarnation.
a visit from the Recording Angel.
Damnation.
the Last Trump.
Enlightenment.
Heaven.
Hell.
Purgatory.
sex.
Nirvana.
Mount Olympus.
Martyrdom.
the Second Coming.
the sound of one hand clapping.
the Superman.
Brass Bands.
Birth Control.
human sacrifices.
the Turin Shroud.
english.1033dejanr,
HEAVY BOOTS
About 6-7 years ago, I was in a philosophy class at the University of
Wisconsin, Madison (good science/engineering school) and the teaching
assistant was explaining Descartes. He was trying to show how things
don't always happen the way we think they will and explained that,
while a pen always falls when you drop it on Earth, it would just
float away if you let go of it on the Moon.
My jaw dropped a little. I blurted "What?!" Looking around the room,
I saw that only my friend Mark and one other student looked confused
by the TA's statement. The other 17 people just looked at me like
"What's your problem?"
"But a pen would fall if you dropped it on the Moon, just more
slowly." I protested.
"No it wouldn't." the TA explained calmly, "because you're too far
away from the Earth's gravity."
Think. Think. Aha! "You saw the APOLLO astronauts walking around on
the Moon, didn't you?" I countered, "why didn't they float away?"
"Because they were wearing heavy boots." he responded, as if this made
perfect sense (remember, this is a Philosophy TA who's had plenty of
logic classes).
By then I realized that we were each living in totally different
worlds, and did not speak each others language, so I gave up. As we
left the room, my friend Mark was raging. "My God! How can all those
people be so stupid?"
I tried to be understanding. "Mark, they knew this stuff at one time,
but it's not part of their basic view of the world, so they've
forgotten it. Most people could probably make the same mistake."
To prove my point, we went back to our dorm room and began randomly
selecting names from the campus phone book. We called about 30 people
and asked each this question:
1. If you're standing on the Moon holding a pen, and you let go,
will it a) float away, b) float where it is, or c) fall to the
ground?
About 47 percent got this question correct. Of the ones who got
it wrong, we asked the obvious follow-up question:
2. You've seen films of the APOLLO astronauts walking around on the
Moon, why didn't they fall off?
About 20 percent of the people changed their answer to the first
question when they heard this one! But the most amazing part was that
about half of them confidently answered, "Because they were wearing
heavy boots."
I say, science education must be at an all time peak !!!
english.1034dejanr,
OBHistory Lesson. New Mexico was a state with Santa Fe the capitol 10 years
before the pilgrims hit Massachusetts. Things haven't improved much in Santa
Fe... Texas wasn't even thought of then. Since then, Texans have actually
invaded New Mexico with armed parties (got their butts kicked) and have since
tried invasion with tourism and real estate tactics. (Keep coming, we want
your money!) With that out of the way, here are some jokes.
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Then He turned around
and someone else made texas.
The best thing about texas is that it is the only state which can legally
secede from the union.
The worst thing about texas is that it hasn't.
texas: Where you can see farther and see less than any place on earth.
Q> What is the difference between a texas beauty and a hereford?
A> oh, about 10 lbs.
You know you're leaving texas when you see more stickers on the plants than on
the bumpers.
If God had wanted texans to ski....
1 - He would have given them a mountain.
2 - He would have made BS white.
If God had wanted New Mexicans to ski, He would have given them money.
If God had not wanted texans to ski, He wouldn't have given them New Mexico and
Colorado.
Then there was the time when an Okie (Agriculturally challenged person of
Oklahoma persuasion) baught an outhouse. He figured he'd make money renting
the basement to a texan.
texas: It's a great place to be from... away from.
Given that the worst representation of any group is the tourists, and that
these are the ones that are most represented, it is to be understood that
the prevalant opinions of tejanos by New Mexicans is based on the tourists.
The author realizes that there are many fine people from... wait, I'm
apologising to texans!!!
But along those lines, our church group was on a ski weekend with a texas
group and a cute little texan and I were walking one evening through the
snow. She brought up that she'd never heard a texas joke, and had heard that
I had a million. Goodness her eyes were pretty. But to save my life, the
only joke I could remember, to answer her persistance was,
Q>Why is New Mexico dry?
A>BECAUSE TEXAS SUCKS!!!
Did you hear about the texan who saw a sign that said "wet cement" so he did.
What does it sound like when you run over a dog?
RRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkthudthud.
What does it sound like when you run over a lawyer?
VVVRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMthudthud.
What does it sound like when you run over a texan?
VVVRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMthudthudRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkk.
clickclick
VVVRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMthudthudRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkk.
clickclick
VVVRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMthudthud.
texas: Where a man is a man...
but always seems to have to prove it again and again.
[this joke is best when spoken, particularly with accents]
Once a couple of texans were driving through Albuquerque. When they stopped
for gas, the attendant noticed that their Cadillac (with the cow horns on the
hood) was loaded down with camping gear. The attendant asked where they were
heading.
"Wa-ill," Drawled the texan, "war a headin' up thuh Jay-may-ezz Mountin's"
"Excuse me,? Where?"
"Up thuh Jay-may-ezz Mountins, Nawrth of heah"
The attendant scratched his head. "You know, I've lived here all my life
and I have no idea where you're talking about."
"Wa-ill, if'n yuh go up tuh Burn-uh-lill-o, hang a laift, go up to
San-wy-sid-ruh, hang a right'n keep awn a goin', Yuh'll be in the jay-may-ezz
Mountins."
"OOOhhhh, I get it! You see, here in New Mexico, we pronounce spanish
names with the spanish pronunciation. A 'j' is pronounced like an 'h'; a
double 'l' is pronounced like a 'y'; and 'y' and 'i' are pronounced like a
double 'e'. So, you're going up to Bernallilo (ber-nal-ee-yo), then San
Ysidro (san ee-seed-ro) and then up into the Jemez (Hey-mes) Mountains,"
explained the attendant. "Anyway you guys look like you're loaded down,
how long are you gonna be up there?"
"Oh, war cummin' back sometime late Hune, early Huly."
english.1035dejanr,
[VPI, 12/9] "May you live in an interesting time!" said a Chinese curse.
Obviously we are in one of such.
Yesterday, there was a show-down between Mr Gorbachev and Mr Boris N.
Yeltsin. Mr Yeltsin and another two leaders from the Ukraine and
Byelorussia want to abandon the Soviet Union, and move the capital from
Moscow to Minsk in Byelorussia.
"The reason that we move the capital away from Moscow, is, apparently,
it is running out of food there." quote a spokesman of Mr Yeltsin.
Obviously, the democratic government of Russia has put scientific new
thinking into action, for example, the migration habit of variety of
animals.
But Mr Gorbachev disagreed. "Isn't that so obvious that you try to put
me out of job?" (Note: this is a condensation from his original
speech, which, if translated directly, is much too long to fit into a
news report.)
Some critics say, though, even they sound so vastly different with each
other, actually their ideas are very similar: Mr Yeltsin wants
a commonwealth made up the original republics, while Mr Gorbachev wants
a confederation, made up also of the original republics.
"After all, it is just the difference of the names, you really cannot
tell the difference between their contents --- because both of them are
empty." commented a Soviet specialist (will be dubbed as "commonwealth
specialist" or "confederation specialist"), "the real problem here is:
who said that name first, then who would get the credit."
One of Gorbachev's close associates said in private: "Gorbachev is very
unhappy after the meeting [with Yeltsin], Boris is very inconsiderate ---
he already has the job as the Russian president, he does not need to
propose a new idea to get a job. On the other hand, Mr Gorbachev is on
the verge of unemployment, so it's neccesary for him to propose a new
idea to create a new job."
However, a Florida Realtor agent said, "Hours after the [Gorbachev -
Yeltsin] meeting, Gorby called us up inquiring about the mortgage and
interest rates at Palm Beach." This is an encouraging sign that after
several years of democratic reform and opening up, Mr Gorbachev is
getting familar with the Western economics. "He seems to be puzzled
when we told him that it is a good time to buy a house because the US
economy is in recession right now. But he became happy when we told
him that all that means is: you can get a cheap house."
The White House spokesman said at the news conference that "Mr
Gorbachev and President Bush is discussing the possibility of extending
the unemployment benefit to certain Russian citizens, for example,
Soviet President." Actually Mr Gorbachev is very familiar with American
politics, "Mr Gorbachev suggests to Mr Bush that, 'if we want to do it,
do it RIGHT NOW, because your Congress is in recess'."
There are some worrying signs, though. There is talking in the town of
Moscow that there will be another coup, because Mr Gorbachev is quoted
as saying: "The act [of Mr Yeltsin and other two leaders of the
republics] is unconstitutional." It is a very similar situation in the
August Coup, when Mr Gorbachev was oustered while in vacation, and Mr
Yeltsin declared that it "was unconstitutional to do that".
However, there is some unsolved technical details about this new coup,
for example, where should it take place, Moscow or Minsk? Are there
enough gas in the army to drive the tanks? etc.
[VPI: Very Possible Information]
english.1036dejanr,
I loved the list of viola jokes you sent out! Here's a couple more:
If you're driving down the street and you see a violist and a conductor
walking by, which one do you hit first?
The conductor: business before pleasure.
How is playing viola like peeing in a dark suit?
It gives you a warm feeling, but no one notices, and no one really cares.
english.1037dejanr,
The newest smilies:
C:\> user is MS-DOS user
$:[] user is VMS user
$::[] user uses VMS and DECNET network, or
$::[] user is a four-eyed monster with something funny on his head, or
$::[] user is a DECNET monster
english.1038dejanr,
This morning a man with "religious hallucinations" told a
cabdriver he wanted to go to California to see God. When
he couldn't come up with the $300.00 fare, the cabbie took
him to the Greyhound station where he hijacked a bus. He
made it as far as Colton, California where he made a wrong
turn, stopped the bus, and was killed by police.
He has been dismissed in the media as a crackpot, but he
DID make it to California and he DID see God.
english.1039dejanr,
A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of house juggling
a clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase. He knocks on the door and it's
answered by a middle-aged man, "Mornin' stranger, what can I do for ya?".
"Well sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum, and Holtz. We're paid by
private companies to canvas thousands of consumers like yourself for
feedback on their products. Today we're soliciting comments on Vaseline
petroleum jelly. Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?"
"I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt, fire away young man",
says the homeowner.
Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks, "Okay...first, you
do use Vaseline, correct?".
"Yessir, for as long as I can remember".
"Great, now what exactly do you use it for?" replies the survey-taker with
his pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.
"Let's see.....we use it for dry skin, chapped lips, and sex."
The well-dressed man stops writing abruptly. He looks around, leans
forward and in a low voice says "We pride ourselves in being very thorough
sir. I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips. But would
you mind telling me how you use it for sex?".
"No problem," the homeowner says in a whisper, "we put it on our bedroom
doorknob". The survey-taker gets a strange look on his face and takes a step
backwards before the homeowner continues, "It keeps the kids out".
english.1040dejanr,
whereis biff? crypt at source. biff cut yacc tail, yacc cut biff
finger.
"awk!," sed biff.
"ar, ar!" sed yacc.
ksh, bash! man cut head, kill yacc at last, make strings.
exit crypt, find mail from su. od. "date? yes." biff find su nice.
make time, date. find su at wall. tee, talk.
ed: "tip: find jobs, biff."
"yes, make tar," sed biff.
su, biff date more: touch, strip, sleep.
"su, inetd perl," sed biff.
"yes!" sed su.
english.1041dejanr,
How to identify scientists:
Chem Prof: Wears a white lab coat. This may actually be clean
but does not have to be. P-chem profs have a brand new coat that
has never been in the lab; polymer chem profs have strange glop
on their coat, and intro chem profs have acid holes.
Physics Prof: Wears blue jeans and a flannel shirt. May sometimes
forget to wear shirt altogether. If a professor is wearing blue
jeans and suspenders, ten to one he is a physicist. Physics profs
often have German accents, but this is not a distingushing
characteristic. Be wary of psychologists with fake Viennese accents
which can sound similar to the unwary.
Bio Prof: Sometimes wears a lab coat, though usually this is the
sign of a biochemist. Marine biologists walk around in hip boots
for no explainable reason, even in the middle of winter. They
are apt to wear grey slacks and smell like fish, as opposed to
most biologists, who smell strongly of formalin. Microbiology
instructors go around in spotless white coats, refuse to drink
beer on tap, and wipe all their silverware before using it.
Never loan money to a bio prof, no matter how much he asks.
Psych Prof: Psychologists are not real scientists, and can be
easily identified by their screams of protest whenever anyone
questions whether psychology is a science. Psych people have
beady little eyes and don't laugh at jokes about psychology.
If you are not sure whether a person is a scientist or a
comparative religion instructor, he is probably a psychologist.
CS Prof: Most CS profs are from India or Pakistan. You can tell
by the gestures and accents. This is not a bad thing, though many
of the American CS professors tend to pick up Indian accents which
confounds more specific identification. Like mushrooms, CS students
only come out at night, and, if not Indian, tend to take on a
pasty appearance. CS professors do not use computers and therefore
can be easily identified by their comparative good health with
respect to their students. Many CS professors do not even know how
to use computers, and are actually mathematicians or psychologists
in disguise. Avoid these people.
Math Prof: Math profs are like physics professors except without
any practical bent. A math professor will have only books and
pencils in his office, as opposed to the piles of broken equipment
that physicists keep. Mathematicians scorn the use of computers
and calculators and often have difficulty splitting bills in
restaurants. The easy way to identify a mathematician is by the
common use of the phrases "It can be shown that..." and "Is left
as an exercise to the student..."
english.1042dejanr,
The secretary general of the UN decided to have a report-writing
contest for the various Western ambassadors. The subject was to
be arbitrary, and the titles of the report should reflect something
of the character of the representative nation.
The Secretary General decided on the topic: elephants. A coupls
of days later, he received the various reports. The titles were
as follows:
France: "Elephants -- a love story."
England: "Elephants and their effect on the British Empire."
USA: "How to build the biggest, bestest, fastest and most
expensive elephant!"
Canada: "Elephants: a federal or provincial matter?"
english.1043dejanr,
From ginger::ginger::mrgate::"a1::michaelc" Thu Dec 26 17:10:48 1991
From: NAME: Michael J. Clark
FUNC: Security
TEL: (603)535-2330 <MICHAELC AT A1 AT GINGER>
To: michaelc@oz@mrgate
Author: Michael J. Clark
AUTOMATION IN THE 20th CENTURY
By Michael J. Clark
The setting is a typical bedroom, a woman is in the bed asleep,
next to her bed is a night stand with an alarm clock and a
telephone. Suddenly the woman awakens to the sound of a strange
noise in the house, she looks around, starts to panic and then
picks up her phone to call the police.
Woman: (Startled and panicked, talking out loud to herself in a
low tone) "I-I-I-I've got to call the police, there's someone
here, oh God I know there is, let's see...what's the number,
(she nervously punches the numbers into the phone.)
After a few rings the phone is answered, there is a delay, then
we hear: "Welcome to our emergency phone mate 911, the automated
emergency answering system, the latest in emergency response
technology! If you are calling from a touch tone phone, please
enter a 1 at the tone, enter now"......(the woman looks both
shocked and puzzled as she nervously punches in a "1") "Thank
you, our emergency phone mate 911 recognizes that you are
calling from a touch tone phone......To serve you better your
police and emergency services have set up this system to route
your call to the appropriate emergency service personnel......If
you are in need of police assistance enter a 5, if you require
information in Spanish, enter 7, in Chinese enter 4, in Greek
enter 9, in French enter 6 or Italian enter an 8, if you wish
fire or medical service enter a 3 and the corresponding
numerical code for the language in which you will be speaking or
in need of translation......to repeat the previous information
please enter 0.......Enter your code now please"......(the
woman, who has now gone from fear and panic to being irritated
and confused enters a 5 and waits.....) "Emergency phone mate
911 recognizes that you have requested police assistance in
English....In order to better serve you, please enter the
appropriate number at the tone....a 1 if your call is not an
emergency, a 2 if you need information, a 3 if you are
returning a call from a police official, a 4 if you are
inquiring about a parking ticket, or a 5 if this is an
emergency, enter your code now"........(she shakes her head and
rolls her eyes and enters a 5 quite forcefully) "Emergency phone
mate 911 recognizes that you have a police emergency, please
enter a 1 if it is a life threatening emergency, a 2 if it is a
non life threatening emergency, a 3 if there are weapons
involved, a 4 if there are multiple perpetrators, a 5 if the
perpetrators are non English speaking and will require a Miranda
warning in any other language....Please be sure to enter the
appropriate language code if you enter a 5....if the police
emergency is a non life threatening rape or physical assault
please enter a 7.......
-2-
(the woman now has lost her temper, she punches in a 2 saying
out loud "How the hell do I know if it's life threatening or not
you imbecile!) "Emergency phone mate 911 recognizes that you
have a police emergency that is non life threatening, emergency
phone mate will now direct your call to the appropriate
department for response.....please hold while your call is
transferred.....(we hear ringing......, the phone is answered)
"Dunkin Donuts, may I help you?" ........
english.1044dejanr,
Mr. Jones got home after a long day at work only to find his wife waiting
for him at the door to tell him that their son had gotten into trouble at
school.
Mr. Jones headed up the stairs to his son's room and walked in.
"Your mother tells me you got into trouble today, Johnny."
"Aw, Dad... it wasn't much."
"C'mon son, what did you do?"
Johnny looking very uncomfortable fessed up. "Today I got laid for
the first time."
"You got laid at school?!!" Mr. Jones exclaimed with pride. "Your only 14!
I was 17...."
Mr. Jones trailed off and a thoughtful expression crossed his face.
"Son, your mother expects me to punish you. What I am going to do is hit
the bed several times. I want you to yell as though I am spanking you,
and then tomorrow I will bring home that new red bicycle that you have
been wanting."
So Mr. Jones hit the bed and little Johnny yelled and cried a little and
Mrs. Jones was glad the her husband had taken control of the situation.
The next day when Mr. Jones got home from work he had a bright red, shiny,
new bicycle with him. When Johnny came out, Mr. Jones expected him to
just jump on and take off riding. When Johnny did not mount the bike he
asked his son, "Is anything wrong son? Oh, I am so proud of you. I told
all the guys at work how MY son had gotten laid at the age of 14. Isn't
this the bike you wanted?"
"Oh, sure Dad. I've wanted this bike for a long time, but do you mind if I
wait until tomorrow before I ride it? My butt is still sore from yesterday."
english.1045dejanr,
It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself
working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he
found that he had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first
one he asked, "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190".
They discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the
second new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the
newcomer's IQ. The answer this time came "120". To which Einstein
replied, "Tell me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they
proceeded to talk for half an hour or so. To the final arrival, Einstein
once again posed the question, "What's your IQ?". Upon receiving the
answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked, "Got a minute to tell me
about VMS 4.0?"
english.1046dejanr,
Two brunettes and a blonde walk into a bar. Stepping up to the bar the first
brunette asks for a "W.W." The bartender not knowing what she wanted politely
asked if she could explain just what a "W.W." is. The brunette replied that
it was a white wine.
The second brunette walks up to the bar and asks for a "V.S." The bartender, a
little perplexed now, looks at her and asks, "is this is stump the bartender
night or what." The brunette giving a teasing smile tells the bartender that a
"V.S." is a vodka sour. The bartender gave her the drink and she walked away.
The blonde steps up to the bar and giggling she asks for a "15." The
bartender, a little fed up with these ladies, rather rudely asks ,
HELL a "15" is?!?" The blond promptly replies, "like, duh, you know...
a 7-7!"
english.1047dejanr,
In this newsgroup, I encourage original comedy. In have picked
the best *original* jokes of the previous year. Generally, to qualify,
items have to be mailed to "original@clarinet.com" to tag them as
original.
This year's 1st place winner is:
dweinste@gnu.ai.mit.edu (David Weinstein)
Who wrote, "If Milli Vanilli fall in the woods, does someone else
make a sound?"
He wins:
$100 cash! Well, a cheque, really.
1 year E-mail subscription to Dave Barry's column (or
ClariNet column of his choice.)
Free TeleJokebook Volumes III & IV (containing winning joke)
Alice Pascal for IBM-PC or Atari ST. (Value $100)(*)
(*)If you want a neat syntax directed programming environment,
that is. So sue me.
David writes that he did indeed think of this joke on his own, though
some have reported to him that others thought of it as well.
Second place is:
jdwren@aardvark.ucs.uoknor.edu (Jonathan)
For a great story about how to deal with Radio Shack Droids who want your
name and address. He wins $40 in cash, plus free jokebooks, an E-mail
Dave Barry column subscription and the GEnie online credit, if applicable.
The Honourable Mentions go to:
stevec@bu-pub.bu.edu (Steve Connelly)
-For a cyberpunk version of the Wizard of Oz
HAUSMANN_MADDI@tandem.com (Maddi Hausmann)
-For a top 10 list of reasons Saddam didn't live Kuwait last Jan 15
fruitbat@leland.stanford.edu (Thomas Fruchterman)
-Who was instructed to abide by the Stanford Code in all actions
while writing a take-home final, and so billed the government
for remodeling his house.
(Where are you Thomas? Your e-mail bounced.)
They get a free TeleJokeBook, a free E-mail subscription and an online
credit if they are GEnie subscribers. Sorry, no cash.
english.1048dejanr,
During the Christmas advertising season, I finally figured out why the U.S.
has lost its competitive edge:
Radio Shack is America's technology store.
english.1049dejanr,
A physics TA is trying to help a student through a problem:
TA: "OK, what is this length here?" (pointing to line on diagram)
Student: "Ummm.... x-naught?"
TA: "No...."
Student: "Sure it's not x-naught?"
TA: "Yes, I'm sure."
Student: (confused) "Ummm.... Why not?"
TA: "y-naught, very good..."
english.1050dejanr,
On Christmas eve, the young couple decided to exchange one gift
that each thought the other would really like. The husband picked out
a gift and smiling, handed it to his spouse. She opened it up to find
a dress. The color was not right, and it was out of style, so she
angerly threw it on the floor and stormed out the room. Feeling hurt, he
opened her gift to find a horrid pair of green pants. Venting his
anger, he tossed them aside, and they landed up on the tree.
Well, after a few minutes, they both came back into the room. They
looked at each other and apologized for being so mean. The wife said "Honey,
I though you would really like those slacks and I'm sorry I threw your
dress on the floor. You must have spent a lot of time picking it out." to
which her husband replied "Dear, I feel the same way. Looking at them now,
I see they're a fine pair." So they kissed. He pulled down his pants, she
picked up her dress, and they had a wonderful Christmas.
english.1051dejanr,
The following smilies have been classified "18".
They are only suitable for children above the age of 18.
And perhaps not even for all of them.
This family of smilies has been constructed with two new symbols
===D and C===, which both mean the same thing.
:-) ===D user is thinking of sex
:-) ========D user is perverted
:-( =D user is frigid
:-) C==== user is sexually excited
8-]~ ====D user need sex urgently (notice how he drools?)
:-) ===D... user has been doing it
:-) ==D C== user is homosexual
:-) ==D (-: user likes oral sex
===D 8-O fuck me!
;-] ===D fuck you!
==D ==D #:-) C== C== user is Ciccollina
english.1052dejanr,
This is my friend Greg's official guide to late night video fare. I
think that the requirement for viewing The Abyss alone makes this
worthwhile reading.
Not responsible for advice taken.
From: greg@irvine.com (Mr. Racquetball)
Subject: Re: movies and postmodern aesthetics.
Film Category Requires for maximum enjoyment:
============================ ========= ===============================
The Cook, The Thief, His
Wife and Her Lover Weird Chocolate pudding
Raising Arizona Satire Cheetoes and Captain Crunch Snak Mix
Legend Fantasy Chicken Pot Pie
The Thing (the remake) Horror A tub of spaghetti
Andy Warhol's Dracula French Fresh bread and grape juice
My Dinner with Andre Weird A straightjacket and 4 caffeine pills
Eraser Head Weird Babysitting an infant
Brazil Satire A hard day at the office
La Femme Nikita French A sharp pencil and a bitch in boots
Hellraiser B-flick A Rubic's Cube and a box of nails
Colossus, The Forbin Project Old-SciFi A TRW credit report
Thin Blue Line Documtry A room at the Motel 6
Clockwise Satire High blood pressure
Tie Me Up - Tie Me Down Spanish A weekend with a hostage
Monsieur Hire French Binoculars
True Stories Satire TV Dinners
Silence of the Lambs Suspense Steaks rare with potato skins.
Taxi Driver Suspense A mohawk and a place to do push-ups
Blood Simple Suspense A hot summer's night
Last Exit to Brooklyn Drama A suicide letter
After Hours Satire Someone else's car keys
Paris Texas Drama Photos of strangers
Dangerous Liasons
(with Glenn Close) Drama A naked friend and some writing paper
9 1/2 Weeks Drama A Love Slave
The Abyss Suspense A plastic bag over your head
english.1053dejanr,
A Final Visit From Saint Nicholas
_________________________________
'Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear--
that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here
inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;
the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;
I opened a beer as I watched TV,
where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie;
the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.
While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss
'bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us;
"Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist;
"Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"
When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
'twas our burgler alarm, and I hollered, "Who's there?"
I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.
Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
was caught in our eight foot electrified fence;
he called out, "I'm Santa! I bring you no malice!"
Said I, "if you're Santa, I'm Telly Savalas!"
But, lo, as his pressence grew clear to me,
I saw in the glare that it just might be he!
I called off our doberman clawing his sleigh
and, frisking him twice, said, "I think he's ok."
I led him inside where he slumped in a chair,
and he poured out the following tale of dispair;
"On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling,
but now 'neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling."
"You'll note I've arrived with no reindeer this year,
and without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer;
although I would like to continue to use them,
the wildlife officials believe I abuse them."
"To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by
and told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky;
I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections,
and bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections."
"Last April my workers came forth with demands,
and I soon had a general strike on my hands;
I couldn't afford to pay unionized elves,
so the missus and I did the work ourselves."
"And then, later on, came additional trouble--
an avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble;
my Allstate insurance was worthless, because
they had shrewdly slipped in a 'no avalanche' clause."
"And after that came an I.R.S audit;
the government claimed I was out to defraud it;
they finally nailed me for 65 grand,
which I paid through the sale of my house and my land."
"And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare
flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air;
not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread,
taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead."
"My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings,
I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings.
And if you should ask why I'm glowing tonight,
it's from flying too close to a nuclear site."
He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh,
and I couldn't help notice a tear in his eye;
"I've tried," he declared, "to reverse each defeat,
but I fear that today I've become obsolete."
He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh,
and these last words he spoke as he went on his way;
"no longer can I do the job that's required;
if anyone asks, just say, 'Santa's retired!'".
english.1054dejanr,
This corporate swindler, Michael Milken or Ivan Boesky type guy ends up in
prison after being caught. He's terrified, because his cellmate is this
great big meanlooking hairy guy with tattoos all over him.
Some days go by, the hairy guy says, "hey Wall Street you like to play
games?"
The Wall Street guy thinks to himself, I better say yes. If I say no he'll
probably kill me, but it'll probably be hell anyway if I say yes. So he
says "yes."
The hairy guy begins to smile. "So," he says, "what do you like to play?
You like to play cops and robbers? Maybe you like to play house?"
The Wall Street begins to sweat. Shit, he's thinking, if we do cops and
robbers and I'm the cops, he'll probably kill me, and the same'll
probably happen if I'm the robbers. I better choose house. So he says
aloud, "yeah, actually, I do like to play house."
The hairy guy begins to grin and nod his head. "So, you like to play
house, that's great. Who do you want to be, the mummy or the daddy?"
By this time the Wall Street guy is near creaming in his pants with
fear. Shit, he thinks, if I'm the Mommy I know what's going to happen
to me. I better be the daddy. So he says, "Actually, I kind of like
being the daddy."
The hairy guy laughs. "Oh, so you're the daddy, huh? Well, come on over
here and suck Mommy's dick."
english.1055dejanr,
We've heard all the reasons why Beer is Better than Women, and
why Cucumbers are Better than Men. Its about time we had
BEER vs. CUCUMBERS!
Reasons Why Beer is Better than Cucumbers
-----------------------------------------
You can't get drunk, no matter how many cucumbers you eat.
Beer bottles don't get sprayed with pesticides
Beer bottles don't shrivel up and grow mouldy if you leave
them in the fridge for a month.
Beer is always in season.
Beer removes unsightly flab and wrinkles (on the person
you're looking at, if you drink enough of it :-)
Eating cucumbers to forget doesn't work.
Reasons Why Cucumbers are Better than Beer
------------------------------------------
Cucumbers won't give you a hangover.
Cucumbers have fewer calories.
Your wife won't complain about you sitting around all day
watching TV and eating cucumbers.
You can grow your own cucumbers without buying lots of equipment.
Your wife won't complain that your breath stinks of cucumbers.
You can eat as many cucumbers as you like, and drive home later.
You can open a cucumber using only your teeth.
Having your face slashed with a cucumber doesn't hurt (much).
You can eat the whole cucumber, skin 'n' all.
A cucumber won't shatter if you drop it on the ground.
You can shake up a cucumber, and it won't explode when you bite it.
You don't have to worry about getting cucumber stains on your clothes.
[The cucumbers seem to take it on numbers. So why do I prefer beer?]
english.1056dejanr,
"The Software Blues"
by Fred Barrett
Hey diddle, diddle,
The bug's in the middle,
Of my interrupt service routine...
My stack has been popped,
My constants are not,
My buffers are pulling my strings...
The time that it took,
To compile all this gook,
Was productive, at least so it seemed...
It gave me a chance,
To rebuild the shell,
From the last time we blew the machine...
We hope to be done,
In a matter of days,
Version 12 of the software is due...
Then it's out to the street,
In the marketing heat,
To generate this month's revenue...
No, I can't really say,
Which problems were fixed,
Or which parts you have to buy new...
But the A.E. will call,
And it all will be solved,
By new PROM's being FedEx'd to you...
We are glad that you called,
We were happy to help,
We're proud of response time, it's true...
That should fix all the bugs,
but it won't change the fact,
That your project is now long overdue!
english.1057dejanr,
There's a trial going on now in Northern Virginia where a fertility doctor
(Cecil? Jacobson) is accused of providing the sperm that he used to
inseminate at least a dozen of his patients (some estimates up to 50 or 60).
One of his nurses said that he was often seen carrying a bottle into the
mens room just before doing one of these procedures.
So what's so bad about that? Seems to me that what he needs is a good
publicist, so I offer these top 10 slogans that Doctor Jacobson should have
been using:
10. We recycle everything -- absolutely no waste.
9. Open wide and say "ahh"
8. We pass the savings on to you.
7. Donor is personally guaranteed to be a college graduate.
6 Well, I could stop by your place, say 7 oclock..?
5. We test and test and test again.
4. High volume means lower prices, day after day.
3. It's a tough, thankless job but someone's gotta do it..
2. Ten years from now your kid can come to a family reunion
with all my kids.
and the number one slogan Doctor Jacobson SHOULD have been using:
1. "You can't get it any fresher than this."
english.1058dejanr,
Bob Kerry (who lost a leg in Viet Nam) was asked if he resents Bill Clinton
for avoiding the draft.
Kerry responded: "Do I resent him? Well, a part of me does."
english.1059dejanr,
The night before Christmas......
'Twas the night before Christmas, an all through the block,
Not a creature was stirring, not even Ed Kotch.
The stockings were hung, by the furnace with care.
In hopes that by morning, they'd all still be there.
Me an this skank, were just getting ready for bed.
I wore pajamas, she had a paper bag for her head.
When up on the roof, I heard a big crash,
I thought it was a burglar, I was gonna kick ass!
I went out on the fire escape, looked up in the sky,
An what did I see, but this freakin fat guy!
With a red suit and boots, that came up to his knees,
In the moonlight he looked, just like Dom DeLouise.
He had a big sled, being pulled by reindeer.
He called one of them Dancer, so I assumed he was queer.
As he crept off the roof, it became clear to me,
That this guy was lookin, to steal my TV!
Over his shoulder, he had a big sack.
He came down the stairs, while I planned my attack.
I waited a second, till the time it seemed ripe.
Bopped him on the head, * botta bing * with a pipe!
He fell to the floor, with a groan and a thud.
I was kinda surprised, that I didn't see blood.
Instead he rolled over, looked me in the eye.
When I saw who I'd hit, I near started to cry.
I said "hey 'yo Santa, I'm sorry all right?"
"Not for nuttin" he said, "but this just ain't my night!"
"I got lost in the Bronx, ran over some Nuns."
"Had a near miss by Kennedy, Rudolf's got the runs..."
"I'm out all freakin night, I'm bustin my hump."
"But I can't finish now, not with this lump!"
"So do me a favor, and be a real pal."
"Take over for me...be Santa Sal."
I say 'Yo! I'm from Brooklyn, I ain't right for the part.
But he says that Santa Claus, comes from the heart.
He made me a offer, I could'nt refuse.
Stop at every house....except for the Jews!
I got into the suit, jumped onto the sleigh,
Wondering just why it was, reindeer smelled that way.
Took off on my mission, didn't want to be late.
While old Nick spent the night, hosin' my date.
That night I was Santa, bringing kids joy and bliss.
And if you don't believe that...hey, jingle dis!
Since then I been with him, each year in the cold.
Riding shotgun with Santa, 'cause he's fat, and he's old.
I'm his number one helper, I been deputized.
So on this Christmas Eve, don't you be surprised.
If you hear a voice say, real loud and abrupt.
"Merry Christmas to all, thanks alot...shutup!"
english.1060dejanr,
I walked into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge sundae with
extra hot fudge.
The girl replied, "The hot fudge comes in one temperature only, Sir."
english.1061dejanr,
Recently their was a joke about a philosophy teaching assistant and poor
science. Well I thought I might send this one as I thought it was
topical and to show that science takes a licking not only in America.
....
About eight years ago, when I was studying in high school in
India, my Chemistry professor was trying to explain the "screening
effect" of electrons (a phenomenon that makes metals bind their
electrons less losely then other elements, resulting in conductivity).
He tried to give an analogy, using earth and moon.
He said, "Imagine if their was another moon orbiting earth, then the
pull that our true moon faces will be smaller." I was puzzled and
declared that it is not possible. To which he further explained," Well
it's like this. The earth now has to pull two moons instead of one
hence it has to divide its force among the too, hence its pull on the
moon will be halved."
At this point I argued that all the artificial satellites in
the sky must face lesser pull by earth when ever a new satellite is
launched. " That's true," he said,"and that's why the cost of
launching satellites is going up these days...."
Pankaj
english.1062dejanr,
MICHELANGELO VIRUS HYSTERIA SYNDROME
Mass hysteria about a virus named "Michelangelo" has been
spreading rapidly in MS-DOS-based personal computer users around the
world. This scare is "triggered" each year slightly before March 6,
Michelangelo's birthday. No one is immune... people ranging from
university students to the staff of _Nightline_ have been affected.
According to various psychologists, the Michelangelo Virus
hysteria is spread though almost any media channel... written,
electronic, oral, computer networks, or on-line services. Once a
person is "infected", he will attempt to automatically spread the
hysteria to every person he sees. The hysteria also corrupts base
reasoning and logic, so loss of common sense is often a symptom. This
is unfortunate, since the hysteria can be eliminated at any time with
common sense. This means that ONCE ACTIVATED, the hysteria cannot be
easily removed; the easiest thing to do is to let it dissipate
naturally on March 7.
There have been numerous known occurrences of this hysteria at
the University of Pittsburgh's campus. This has been caused by
saturated distribution of virus protection and detection software, and
repeated and redundant email messages.
We advise you NOT to attempt to trick people into believing
that March 6 has already passed in order to avoid the hysteria. (Even
though we tell you about 3 paragraphs later that we tried it anyway.)
The Michelangelo virus hysteria displays pronounced symptoms,
which makes it easy to detect. Some possible symptoms of this virus
hysteria include, but are not limited to...
1. Running virus-checking runs 6,000 times (per disk.)
2. Sending repeated and redundant email messages.
3. Sending repeated and redundant email messages.
4. Sending repeated and redundant email messages.
5. Photocopying 50,000 flyers and distributing them in every possible
location on campus.
6. Irrational fear/paranoia of or destructive behavior towards
computers. (Pushing them off of rooftops, etc.)
7. Using typewriters.
In addition, Dr. Ima Quak of the Bureau of Useless and Lame
Laws advises that "we have determined that this hysteria seems to have
an almost annual cycle to it. Perhaps this can help us in detecting
it."
Any person that is not infected and has common sense can also
detect the Michelangelo Virus hysteria.
SOLUTION
There are many trained psychologists that can detect and/or
remove the Michelangelo virus hysteria. However, these steps are
usually not necessary. The following techniques have been used to
combat the hysteria:
1. Vigorous shaking and/or slapping.
2. Large quantities of cold water (a fire hose, for example.)
3. Avoiding watching _Nightline_.
4. Accurate, brief, and non-redundant information.
Rest assured that some steps *are* being taken to help prevent
this hysteria. In fact, just yesterday University of Pittsburgh
Chancellor J. Dennis O'Connor approved $82,000 to form a committee to
appoint a committee to call a meeting to look into the matter.
FOR MORE INFORMATION
Watch for future bulletins.
If you believe you might be infected with the Michelangelo
virus hysteria, please slap yourself once or twice, and ask someone to
hose you down with a fire hose.
James Ralston Crawford
english.1063dejanr,
In a one priest Irish Catholic Parish everybody knew everybody else. One
Saturday a waggish young lad by the name of Timmy went to confession. The
priest after hearing Timmy's sins said - "Timmy, I have it on good advice that
your fooling around with one of the married women in the parish." Timmy
protested his innocence but the priest would have none of it. "Timmy" ,he
said "tell me, is it Mrs. Monahan?" "No father I hardly know the women!"
"All right then Timmy, is it Mrs. O'Connell?" "Mrs. O'Connell, father she the
wife of one of my very best friends! I would never lay hands on her!" "Timmy,
this is your last chance, I'm losing my patience, is it Mrs. O' Hara?" "No
Father I wouldn't dream of...". "TIMMY! I don't wan't to hear it. You've
come to this confessional and lied to me! I want you to consider the
seriousness of this matter for a month and come back and confess who it is to
me."
On the way out Timmy meets a good friend of his on his way to the
confessional. The friend asks Timmy "Is the Father in a good mood today.
Timmy replies "He's in a GRAND mood, he gave me a month off and three good
leads."
english.1064dejanr,
What do you call three lawyers buried up to their necks in cement?
Soccer practice!
english.1065dejanr,
The results of the New Hampshire primary seem to indicate
that the middle class has realized George Bush's campaign slogan
is "Read my lip-service."
english.1066dejanr,
A country yokel is wandering through the fields on his way home, and feels
rather peckish. Looking around him, he sees row after row of turnips, and
temptation gets the better of him. He digs up the nearest turnip, tries to hide
it inside his jumper, and carries on home. Of course, the farmer sees him with
a suspicious bulge in his clothing, and raises the alarm. So, while the yokel
is busy munching away at the turnip behind a hedge, the local policeman plods
up and arrests him. He's taken off to the magistrates, who are in a bit of a
bad mood after the previous case, and they sentence him to a night in the
cells. Once more he's hauled off, and put in a cell for the night with Mike
Tyson. After a few minutes of uneasy silence, Tyson decides to strike up
conversation.
"What did you get?"
"A ten dollar fine and a night in the cells. And all for one turnip. What about
you?"
"Fifteen years. Rape."
"RAPE? You must have eaten the whole b***** field!"
english.1067dejanr,
A couple whose marriage was on the rocks sought advice of a
marriage counselor.
The counselor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but
they were adamant. "So," said the counselor, "you know the
consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide
your property equally."
The wife flared up. "You mean the $4000 I have saved up? I
must give him half? My money?"
"Yes," said the counselor. "He gets $2000. You get $2000.
"What about my furniture? I paid for that."
"Same thing," answered the counselor. "Your husband gets the
bedroom and living room furniture; you get the dining room and the
kitchen."
There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about
the three children?"
That stumped him. Shrewdly he assessed the situation, then
came up with a Solomonic solution. "Go back and live together
until your fourth child is born. Then you take two children and
your husband takes two."
The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work
out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I've got."
english.1068dejanr,
Hear on NPR Saturday (2/29), commenting on Carey's comments about
Clinton's war record:
So, what it boils down to is this:
Bush wants to fight the Gulf War all over again;
Carey wants to fight the Vietnam War all over again;
and Buchanan wants to fight the Civil War all over again.
english.1069dejanr,
On Frontline last week (I believe Wednesday, 4 March) they were talking about
David Duke, and showed an excerpt from one of his current campaign speeches.
Duke: "I would like to state, for the record, that I am not a wizard under the
sheets. I'm leaving that to Gov. Bill Clinton, of Arkansas."
(Frontline is a PBS political program in the US, for our international
readers.)
english.1070dejanr,
Maybe not last words, but close:
When Thoreau was dying someone (his aunt?) asked
"Have you made your peace with God?"
Thoreau answered, "I am not aware that we have ever quarreled."
english.1071dejanr,
In attempt to REALLY grind a joke format into the dirt, here is
my list of the TOP TEN reasons that Bob Kerry dropped out of the
Democratic presidential race:
10. Reporter was about to reveal that Kerry, earlier in life, had
posted space shuttle jokes to the net.
9. Was devastated to learn that donation to Dr. Cecil Jacobson's
fertility clinic was NOT tax deductible and had never even been
used.
8. Got stuck in New Hampshire for 3 days after all the planes left.
7. Slowly realized that he didn't have to serve in Vietnam to be
elected president.
6. Needed time to think up some more witty gay/lesbian jokes.
5. Learned that the Kennebunkport retreat is George Bush's personal
property.
4. Taking time out to legally change his name to Tkerry (The 'T'
is silent, of course).
3. Got caught calling Jerry Brown's 800 number and asking for
Linda Ronstat.
2. Suddenly discovered that Debra Winger had bared it all in
An Officer and a Gentleman.
1. Tired of "stumping" the campaign trail.
Jeff Sauder sauder@aplcen.apl.jhu.edu
english.1072dejanr,
Latest T-shirt message:
"My President went around the world, and all I got was this lousy recession!"
(adapted from a shirt sold by the Democratic National Committee)
english.1073dejanr,
With all the fuss over the Michaelangelo Virus, I noticed that March 6
was also Ed McMahon's birthday. I can just see it now, on March 6, 1993
millions of PC users will be greeted with the message:
*** Congratulations! Your computer may already be infected! ***
english.1074dejanr,
The Urban legend about a $250 charge for the recipe to Mrs Field's (or
someone else's) cookies is well known. This new urban legend deals with
the development of the Hubble Space Telescope
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Build your own Hubble Space Telescope
From: James Aspnes <asp@cs.cmu.edu>
A few years ago I was touring the Jet Propulsion Lab and they showed
me a prototype of the Hubble Space Telescope. "Pretty cool machine,
guys," I said, "but is there anyway us amateur astronomers can get in
on this kind of action?" They said yes, plans for the HST were
available through the gift shop. "How much?" I asked. They said
"Fifty." I said "Great! Here's my American Express Plutonium Card!"
I picked up the plans and went home, happy as a clam, until I got my
American Express bill. The total amount due was $50,119.00! I
figured the $119 must have been from one of these Northwest student
ticket vouchers, but where was that $50,000 from? Only then did I
realize that JPL had charged me, no fifty dollars, but fifty THOUSAND
dollars. Boy was I mad. But it was too late to return the plans and
get my fifty thousand dollars back, so I just chalked it up to
experience. But now I'm getting my revenge... I asked the folks at
the JPL copyright office if I could give the plans out to all my
friends and they said, "Heck, why not? What do we need with
royalties? Tell the world!" So I've written up the key steps here.
Please post them to every bboard you can think of and mail them to all
your friends. Remember, if you break the chain you'll get seven years
of bad sunspot interference.
You will need:
1 launch vehicle.
126 "Master Constructor" Erector Sets(tm).
1 Radio Shack(tm) Pro-2001 scanner.
1 2-meter block of glass.
1 box of aluminum foil.
4 sheets of #20 (coarse) sandpaper.
4 sheets of #150 (fine) sandpaper.
2 children's magnifying glasses.
(optional) filters and instrumentation as needed.
Instructions:
1. Using the erector sets, construct a superstructure capable of
supporting a 2-meter mirror and whatever instrumentation you will
be using. Make sure that the superstructure can survive the
G-forces during launch. Don't be tempted to skimp on the nuts and
bolts here.
2. Using the #20 sandpaper, grind the block of glass until it takes
on the shape of a convex mirror. Be very careful in this step
because if you get the shape wrong you'll have to start over
again. Use the #150 sandpaper to smooth out any irregularities
and fix any minor problems with the focus. Then melt the aluminum
foil and vacuum deposit 1-2 atomic layers of aluminum on the
surface of the mirror. Mount the mirror in its place in the
superstructure.
3. Mount the children's magnifying glasses at the focal point of the
mirror. These will serve as an eyepiece for your instruments.
4. Open the back of the Pro-2001 scanner. There will be a 16-pin
chip on the upper left of the circuit board labelled 1Y1169AV.
Carefully clip out the fourth pin on the left and remove it from
the chip. This will convert your Pro-2001 scanner into the usually
much more expensive Pro-2010 scanner with orbital transceiver
capabilities. Close the back of the scanner, check that the
batteries are in place, mount it in the superstructure, and
connect it to your instruments.
5. Make one last check of everything and you're ready to launch!
This is a true story, every bit of it, I swear on my father's sister's
grave. Even if it isn't, I hope that you get as much use and
enjoyment out of your home-built Hubble Space Telescope as I have from
mine!
---- End of Forwarded Message
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Comment from a System Manager at the Space Telescope Science Institute
(which didn't _build_ the Hubble, but operates it):
Hmm. Got the instructions for the mirror wrong.
english.1075dejanr,
ObJoke: How many hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll stay up all night doing it.
english.1076dejanr,
The following is the conclusion of the essay "Science and Religion" by
Werner Heisenberg (1927). There is a chance that Heisenberg wouldn't
object to reproducing it.
Niels closed the conversation with one of those stories he liked to tell
on such occasions: "One of our neighbors in Tisvilde once fixed a horseshoe
over the door to his house. When a common friend asked him, `But are you
really superstitious? Do you honestly believe that this horseshoe will
bring you luck?' he replied, `Of course not; but they say it works even
if you don't believe in it.'"
english.1077dejanr,
Two cowboys were riding across the range when one of their horses died, so
they both got on the one remaining horse and continued riding. In a few
minutes, the one on the rear shouted that an Indian was approaching. The
one in the front asked, "How big is he?" Holding his hands about 12 inches
apart the one on the rear said, "This high."
In a few minutes, the one on the front asked, "Now, how big is he?"
The cowboy on the rear replied, holding his hands 3 feet apart, "This high."
In a few more minutes, the front cowboy asked again, "Now, how big is he?"
Holding his hand 6 feet above the ground, the rear cowboy replied, "This high."
So the front cowboy yelled, "Quick! Grab my pistol there and shoot him!"
Holding his hands 12 inches apart again, the one on the rear replied, "I can't!
I've known him since he was this high."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTE: Probably more funny when you can show your hands apart rather than
describing them through a computer!
english.1078dejanr,
Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
or an airline stewardess?
A: A nurse says: "this won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're
going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right."
An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose
, and breath normally."
english.1079dejanr,
"...[Company X] survived the Depression, which is what a
recession was called in the 1930's".
english.1080dejanr,
The nine types of users
El Explicito - "I tried the thing, ya know, and it worked, ya know, but now
it doesn't, ya know?"
Advantages: Provides interesting communication challanges.
Disadvantages: So do chimps.
Symptoms: Complete inability to use proper nouns
Real Case: One user walked up to a certain Armenian pod manager and said, "I
can't get what I want!" The pod manager leaned back, put his hands on his
belt-buckle, and said, "Well, ma'am, you've come to the right place."
Mad Bomber - "Well, I hit ALT-f6, shift-f8, CNTRL-f10, f4, and f9, and now it
looks all weird."
Advantages: Will try to find own solution to problems.
Disadvantages: User might have translated document to Navajo without meaning
to.
Symptoms: More than six stopped jobs in UNIX, a 2:1 code-to-letter ratio in
WordPerfect
Real Case: One user came in complaining that his WordPerfect document was
underlined. When I used reveal codes on it, I found that he'd set and unset
underline more than fifty times in his document.
Frying Pan/Fire Tactician - "It didn't work with the data set we had, so I
fed in my aunt's recipe for key lime pie."
Advantages: Will usually fix error.
Disadvantages: 'Fix' is defined VERY loosely here.
Symptoms: A tendancy to delete lines that get errors instead of fixing
them.
Real Case: One user complained that their program executed, but didn't do
anything. The scon looked at it for twenty minutes before realizing that
they'd commented out EVERY LINE. The user said, "Well, that was the only
way I could get it to compile."
Shaman - "Last week, when the moon was full, the clouds were thick, and
formahaut was above the horizon, I typed f77, and lo, it did compile."
Advantages: Gives insight into primative mythology.
Disadvantages: Few scons are anthropology majors.
Symptoms: Frequent questions about irrelavent objects.
Real Case: One user complained that all information on one of their disks got
erased (as Norton Utilities showed nothing but empty sectors, I suspect nothing
had ever been on it). Reasoning that the deleted information went *somewhere*,
they wouldn't shut up until the scon checked four different disks for the
missing information.
X-user - "Will you look at those. . .um, that resolution, quite impressive,
really."
Advantages: Using the cutting-edge in graphics technology.
Disadvantages: Has little or no idea how to use the cutting-edge in graphics
technology.
Symptoms: Fuzzy hands, blindness
Real Case: When I was off duty, two users sat down in front of me at DEC
station 5000/200s that systems was reconfiguring. I suppressed my laughter
while, for twenty minutes, they sat down and did their best to act like they
were doing exectly what they wanted to do, even though they couldn't log in.
Miracle Worker - "But it read a file from it yesterday!" 'Sir, at a guess,
this disk has been swollowed and regurgitated.' "But I did that a month ago,
and it read a file from it yesterday!"
Advantages: Apparently has remarkable luck when you aren't around.
Disadvantages: People complain when scons actually use the word
'horse-puckey'.
Symptoms: Loses all ability to do impossible when you're around. Must be
the kryptonite in your pocket.
Real Case: At least three users have claimed that they've loaded IBM
WordPerfect from Macintosh disks.
Taskmaster - "Well, this is a file in MacWrite. Do you know how I can upload
it to MUSIC, transfer it over to UNIX from there, download it onto an IBM,
convert it to WordPerfect, and put it in three-column format?"
Advantages: Bold new challanges.
Disadvantages: Makes one wish to be a garbage collector.
Symptoms: An inability to keep quiet. Strong tendancies to make machines
do things they don't want to do.
Real Case: One user tried to get a scon to find out what another person's
E-mail address was even though the user didn't know his target's home system,
account name, or real name.
Maestro - "Well, first I sat down, like this. Then I logged on, like this,
and after that, I typed in my password, like this, and after that I edited
my file, like this, and after that I went to this line here, like this, and
after that I picked my nose, like this. . ."
Advantages: Willing to show you exactly what they did to get an error.
Disadvantages: For as long as five or six hours.
Symptoms: Selective deafness to the phrases, "Right, right, okay, but what
was the ERROR?", and a strong fondness for the phrase, "Well, I'm getting to
that."
Real Case: I once had to spend half an hour looking over a user's shoulder
while they continuously retrieved a document into itself and denied that they
did it (the user was complaining that their document was 87 copies of the
same thing).
Princess (unfair, perhaps, as these tend, overwhelmingly, to be males) -
"I need a Mac, and someone's got the one I like reserved, would you please
garrote him and put him in the paper recycling bin?"
Advantages: Flatters you with their high standards for your service.
Disadvantages: Impresses you with their obliviousness to other people on
this planet.
Symptoms: Inability to communicate except by complaining.
Real Case: One asked a scon to remove the message of the day because he
(the user) didn't like it.
english.1081dejanr,
...And I overheard Descartes say "I think, therefore I am. I'm still trying
to explain politicians, though..."
english.1082dejanr,
You can tell a lot about people by the way they write. For instance, just
the other day a certain, unnamed individual posted a little story about a
man who was trying to pound a nail with his head, and the poster attempted
to explain to him the virtues of using a hammer, with the obvious allusion
of the hammer to a Macintosh and the head-banger to an IBM type.
From this I could easily conclude that this poster was an engineer, and was
an employee of the Pentagon. You see, that's the only type of person who,
to solve a given problem, will go out and spend one hundred times its worth
on a hammer instead of first using his head.
-Steve
P.S. I own an Amiga, so I think you're all a bunch of old poopers anyways.
english.1083dejanr,
I work at the support hotline for a fairly large Unix vendor. Customer
calls are intercepted by a group of receptionists, who determine the
general nature of each caller's problem or question and then place it on
an electronic queue. The receptionists attach a "headline" to each call,
so that the support analysts can decide whether a particular call is in
their area of expertise. Unfortunately, the receptionists are not
generally familiar with Unix.
Spelling errors can happen.
"The cron log file has exceeded 250 mega bite"
"Air message on consol"
Sometimes there is strange imagery involved. Picture this:
"Cannot get into the library"
"Runaway process boards"
"Terminals need to be brightened up"
...you can ignore this problem until they're suicidal.
"Question about braking when dialing in from a modem"
...calling from your car phone?
"Does not see the boot"
...check the end of your foot.
"Terminal has no cusor and making a high pitch wine"
...mmmm, just LOVE that high pitch wine!
"Cannot get into Telnet"
...yeah, telnet is pretty boring.
"Constant memory vaults"
...you're using too many JUMP instructions.
"X's and O's on terminal"
...how cute, it's just telling you it loves you.
"Terminal density is gone - cannot see screen"
...someone call a physicist -- their system is losing its mass!
"Bust fault and reset of system"
...can the hardware guy install a bra?
There is some hardware we just don't support.
"Install wife terminal"
"Has a PC that knocks down all terminals"
"Foot disk needs to be reformatted"
...contact your chiropractor.
"Actuary on printer is out"
...are they at an insurance company?
This is clearly NOT a software problem.
"Trouble with electrical smell on system"
This one came up a few weeks after Gorbachev had his trouble:
"When logging on, getting overthrow signal"
Similarly:
"Warning regent table overthrow"
Here's a stumper.
"EGA controller error grade andy controller, bell doesn't work"
Users may get a little fed up.
"Is it possible to communicate with a Unix machine?"
"Too much paper during printing"
Sometimes, you just have to wonder...
"Getting a parody error"
"If terminal is off, can't get prompt back"
"Having ahard disfailure"
"Question about configuration of Woodperfect"
"Set off a background process accidentally and wants to kill"
...I, too, would kill after making such a mistake.
"Questions on fox based software"
...those animals really do understand relational databases!
"Problem logging onto root, gets Chinese characters"
...oh, your console is upside-down.
"Each time he accesses a dose you have to reset the terminal"
...wow, man, the screen is breathing...
"Kill process logs users off system"
...it does tend to do that.
"Question on repetitioning the disc"
...we have here a signed statement: you should increase swap.
"Q how to do PCP over x dot 25"
...please, don't network under the influence.
"UPS DOWN"
...and down is up, right, sir?
english.1084dejanr,
What are the similarities between bungee jumping and a prostitute?
1) they are very expensive.
2) they only last a couple of minutes.
3) if the rubber breaks, you're dead.
english.1085pjankovic,
> Two brunettes and a blonde walk into a bar. Stepping up
> to the bar the first
Auuuu, brate mili, okle ti ovoliki vicevi?
english.1086ivans,
* Princess (unfair, perhaps, as these tend, overwhelmingly, to be males) -
^^^^^^^^
Once again or another one? :))))
Regards,
Ivans.
english.1087robert,
If You want to go to Heaven ...
When we drink,
we get drunk.
When we get drunk,
we go to sleep.
When we go to sleep,
we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin,
we go to heaven.
english.1088robert,
Q: "What's a birthmark on a Pollock's ass ?"
A: "A brain tumor !"
english.1089dejanr,
WITH SEX ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE
This paper has been sent to you for good luck. The original has been
worn out from having passed through the hands of so many people. It
had travelled around the world 69 times ŠDear Reader: please help keep
this count current. If this letter falls into your hands after just
completing one more circuit of the world, please add one to the
count.
The luck has now been sent to you. You will experience great sex
within four days of receiving this letter, provided you send it on!
Since the copy must tour the world, you must make ten copies and
send them to others. This is no joke. Send no money. Send copies
to people who need to get laid within 96 hours.
After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control Officer got
his penis stuck in a cow-milking machine and had the longest series
of ograsms of his life. John Elliot tried to pick up a prositute,
but, because he broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead.
When they searched his home, they found magazines of little boys which
they showed to his neighbours. In a suburb of Paris, Don Loray's
trousers were ripped by an unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing
to circulate the letter. However, before this happened, a condom
machine gave him three condoms for the price of one. (was this the
consolation prize?)
Do note the following: Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953.
He asked his secretary to make ten copies and send them out. A
few days later he encountered her in a red-light district making
more than he had every paid her at work. General George Patton,
who sent the letter on, saw what he thought was a quarter in the
street. When he bent down to pick it up, a beautiful woman in a
miniskirt walked by, and he got a great view. His aide, Colonel
Roger Bumswiver, who did not pass on the letter, tried to pick up
a similar object but was fucked up the ass by a desperate gay when
he bent over. Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received
the letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours.
His wife then went bowling with his best friend and never returned.
Later, after finding the letter again, he mailed ten copies. A
few days later he got a wife and discovered that his old wife, who
he thought was wonderful, had made love to him like a dead salmon
for all these years! Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not
believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he spilled hot
coffee in his crotch.
In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was faded and
barely readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph applied
to her. She promised herself she would retype the letter and send
it on, but she put it aside to do later. She was plagued with
problems including herpes and other venereal diseases she contracted
in her futile attempts to find Mr. Right in a singles bar. The letter
did not leave her hands in 96 hours. She finally typed the letter
and found a man with a 10-inch penis.
You must distribute at least ten copies within 96 hours of
receiving this letter. Those who do will find their love lives more
fulfilling. Those who do not will be doomed to one-night stands with
mechanical devices.