english.1dejanr,
Prepisano iz "Far Eastern Economic Review", 28. 9. 1989:
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push the button for wishing floor. If the
cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a
number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically
by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your valuables at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
In a Yugoslav hotel:
The flattenning of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox
monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of the Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of finger; roasted duck let loose; beef
rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a Hongkong supermarket:
For your convenience, we recomend courteous, efficient
self-service.
In a Bankok dry cleaner:
Drop your trouses here for best results.
Outside Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
Outside a Hongkong dress shop:
Ladies have fits upstairs.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in a strict rotation.
From the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet
Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the
past two years.
In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the
contractor have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
people of different sex, for instance, men and woman, live
together in one tent unless they are married with each other
for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be
used for this purpose.
In an advertisment by a Hongkong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodist.
A translated sentence from the Russian chess book:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this
variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having
a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse driven city tours - we guarantee no
miscarriages.
Advertisment for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:
To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hongkong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop; Drive Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today - no ice cream.
In a Bankok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to
it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food,
give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist for women and other diseases.
In a Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personaly passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle to him. Trumpet
him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your
passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
-English well talking.
-Here speeching American.
Preuzeto sa JUPAK-a, konferencija UEK::JOKES.
Autor: R4IJS::STRITAR "Andrej Stritar, IJS, (61)-371-321"
english.2dejanr,
(Preuzeto sa BIX-a):
==========================
security/speak.easy #56, from greenber, 1149 chars, Thu Nov 9
09:41:57 1989
This is a comment to message 44.
There is/are comment(s) on this message.
--------------------------
A priest, a rabbi and a lawyer die. They wake up at the gates of
Heaven. There is St. Peter. He says "Now it is time to meet
your fate!"
He walks the priest to a doorway. "Father, you've been bad. You've
used the name of the Lord in vain, you've fornicated...this is
your eternal reward!" He throws the door open and inside are 17
deranged and rapid pit-bulls. He shoves the priest inside and
closes the door to the priest's howls and screams.
Moves down the hall. "Rabbi, you've been bad. You've broken 7
of the ten commandments. You've used your office for things
you shouldn't have -- including that young girl! this is your
eternal reward!" He opens the door, and there's a pit of
boiling mud. Throwing the rabbi into the pit, he closes the
door to the screams of terror and pain.
The lawyer is starting to get nervous.
"Now", says St. Peter, "the third door."
He opens it up. Inside, a bedroom. On the bed is a naked
Bo Derek, looking like she's ready for some action. The
lawyer's head starts to swim, he starts to smile...
St. Peter says: "Bo Derek, you've been bad!", throws the
lawyer in and locks the door.
english.3dejanr,
(Preuzeto sa BIX-a):
==========================
security/speak.easy #70, from david42, 202 chars, Sat Nov 18
02:07:08 1989
There is/are comment(s) on this message.
--------------------------
TITLE: What my attorney says...
I was having lunch with my attorney. She told me the following:
"How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? Watch their lips
very closely and when they start to move..."
english.4dejanr,
[Preuzeto sa JUPAK-a, konferencija UEK::JOKES
autor: HCATHY::POLONA "Polona Novak"]
If you get to a fork in the road, and you see Santa Claus,
the Easter Bunny, a good violist, and a bad violist,
who do you ask for directions?
Answer: the bad violist. All the others don't exist.
Definition of a string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist,
an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists.
How do you get 11 violinists to play in tune? Shoot 10 of them.
So how do you get 11 violists to play in tune? Shoot 11 of them.
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
In a bull, the horns are in front, and the ass is in back.
In the orchestra, the horns are in back, and the ass is in front.
What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
Vibrato.
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboes playing in unison.
How do you get a violist to play down bow staccatto?
Write a whole note and mark it "Solo"
Definition of Violist: someone who hangs around musicians.
There are only two instruments worse than a clarinet:
two clarinets.
A violin player had given a good recital, and afterwards
a lady came up to him and said "Maestro, that was beautiful,
and how good: all those fast notes!", to which the violinist
replied "Ah but dear lady, those were only sixteenth notes,
sometimes I play thirtsecondths!". The lady is completely
awestruck: "Oh please, maestro, could you play one for me?"
Follow-up to this joke:
when this joke was told among members of the concertgebouw orchestra
one of them ask the conductor, Bernard Haitink, "say, Hait,
can you conduct one for me?"
What's the difference between a piccolo trumpet player and a
seamstress?
A seamstress tucks frills.
english.5dejanr,
Par "prevoda" koji, čini mi se, nisu na SEZAM-u:
Dark job = Taman posla
Mary fuck the bumble bee = Mara jebala bumbara
Fuck the shop = Zajebi radnju
On the face of place = Na licu mesta
english.6dejanr,
[Napomena: nećete mnogo razumeti ako ne poznajete VAX/VMS i
to na nivou privilegovanog korisnika]
"This just can't happen to me, I've got access to SYSPRV, something
must be wrong"
Let's face it, there comes a time in every privileged user's life
when he/she finds out that privileges may have their uses, but don't
you wish you could use them in real life as well? Dream Equipment
Corparation has come up with the answer. A fully interfacable life
modification system that plugs straight between the unibus and
reality, and is ready and waiting to help the privileged user
run their lives.
$ set def life:
$ run lauthorze
LAF> Mod bike/noflat_tyre
Cosmic Universe Updated
$ set def lief:
$ run lauthorze
%LIFE-F-FNF, file not found lief:lauthorze
Do you wish to create a new life?
$ set def life:
$ run lauthorze
LAF> Mod fingers/nomistakes
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> Show headache
there are no defined hours of occurance
VICTIM: you SIGHT AFFECTATION: nil
DURATION: 2 hours ADDITIONS: Nausea, Cold Skin, Dry Tongue
BETA: .3 hours PAIN LIMIT: +2 (Richter)
AFTEREFFECTS: nil MAXIMUM PAIN LIMIT: infinite
PRIMARY DAYS: Sat Sun
SECONDARY DAYS: Mon Tues Wed Thur Fri
LAF> mod headache/victim="someone_else"/victim_type=prick
/pain_limit=7
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF>
$
$ set def life:
$ run lauthorze
LAF> mod bank_manager/thoughts="Give loans away freely"
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> Mod bank/nomortgage
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> Mod Miss_Universe/winner="Miss America"/loser="Miss Scandinavia"
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> Mod wage_scale/add=20000
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF>
$
$ set def life:
$ run lauthorze
LAF> Mod TV/More_Black_Adder/no_more_Dallas
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> Mod religion/nodoubts
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> Mod personality/life_and_soul_of_the_party
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF>
$
$ set def life:
$ run lauthorze
LAF> remove pope/heartattack
Cosmic Universe Updated, pope dies of heart attack
LAF> mod government/new_government=National
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> copy Fletcher_Challenge_Management
Government/head_man="Muldoon"/nostrikes
Cosmic Universe Update
LAF> add knowledge/access
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> sh me
Default Mother: Yours Default Father: Yours Birth Place: Yours
Name: Yours Age: Old enough Expiry Date: Soon!
Max Faults: Unlimited Max Lives: 9 Death place: Hospital
Max Wives: 3 Career: Computers Mode of Death: Resp
Failure
Privileges:
LIFEPRV, CHANGEAGE, MODLIFE, BYPASSALL, AVOIDDEATH, ALLOWALL
LAF> mod me/passaway
--- Universe Going Down --
--- Please adjust reality accordingly ---
[Autor: SimonT, Computer Services,
University of Waikato,
New Zealand. PSI (064) 71000004]
english.7dejanr,
Iz internog Hewlett-Packardovog biltena:
Single Instruction Set Computer
A recent trend in computer architecture, especially for
microprocessor implementations, is the Reduced Instruction
Set Computer (RISC). RISCs are characterized by a small
number of simple instructions that typically execute in
a single cycle. By combining this concept with a large,
high-speed register file, RISC proponents have produces
many machines that outperform their complex (CISC) brethern.
The SISC extends the concept of RISC architecture to the fullest
degree. Basically, the SISC implements single, yet extremely powerful
instruction. The result is a flexible , low-cost processor that
outperforms many designs containing tens of thousands more
transistors. Since there is only a single instruction, an
order-of-magnitude reduction in processor compexity is achieved.
The SISC operates with no instruction pipeline and no instruction
cache. These elements, which add cost and complexity to other
processors, are entirely unnecessary on the SISC: The "next"
instruction is always the sameas the previous one. There is no
need to fetch an opcode, and no need to decode one. Every cycle
is an execution on the SISC. And with no opcodes to fetch, there
is also no need for an instruction register or a program counter,
thus further simplifying the design.
The elegance of the SISC processor is embedded in its single
multipurpose instruction: INC A. This instruction, the only one
available on the SISC, adds one to the contents of the accumulator
and stores the result in the accumulator. The value of this approach
becomes apparent when one considers that both operands are implied
by the instruction itself, as is the destination. Consenquently,
no memory cycle is required. Ever. This leads to the surprising
result that the SISC can operate with no memory at all, a conclusion
we verified experimentally. The savings in memory management
circuitry, RAM control, and memory devices themselves are
substantial. It may be the second-biggest advantage SISC holds
over other, more traditional designs.
By far the first advantage is the elimination of software. Most
new processors suffer in the marketplace because of the initial
lack of programming tools and utilities. But the SISC, with only
one instruction, requires no software. INC A, INC A, INC A. That's
all there is to it.
A traditionalist may question the value of a processor with no
memory, no software, and only one instruction. But we have
verified, at least statistically, that the SISC can produce any
result that any other computer can produce. And it usually does
it faster.
In one test of the SISC's capabilities, an array of SISC preocessors
was used to drive a 1024x1024 raster graphics display. Each SISC
was wired to a sinlge pixel; the result held in each SISC's
accumulator selected a pixel's color and luminance parameters. When
the SISCs were fired up, the display produced a dazzling array of
images: a frowning Mona Lisa, a picture of what Gorbachev is doing
*right now*, and the complete set of blueprints for the Stealth
bombers (along with several decoys). So in addition to possible
applications in the arts, the SISC may have national security
applications. Other, more mundane, applications include an odometer
for automobiles, and tracking the national debt.
The current generation off SISC processors is fabricated of
germanium PNP transistors in TO-5 cans. Samples are available
now, with volume shipments beinning April 1st.
english.8dejanr,
[Preuzeto sa EXEC PC BBS-a]
Shareware will remain a viable marketing method as long as the
users who can't live without a Shareware product realize that
the Authors can't LIVE without their registration.
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. (Rick Heming's FAVORITE!)
You can lead a horse to water;
get him to float on his back & you've got something.
Quien mucho abarca poco aprieta. (Grab much, gain little.)
There's little worse than being peerless in a peer-review system.
Tom Robbins says...If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
When in darkness or in doubt, Run in circles, scream and shout.
Internal consistency is more highly valued than efficiency.
It won't work.
Always draw your curves then plot the readings.
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent.
Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by not simplifying.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
Thoreau says...Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
Voltaire says...Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought.
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
Gravity doesn't exist: the earth sucks.
Ahhhhhhhh, I forget what I was going to say.
Organization is the enemy of improvisation.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.
Let him who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
It works better if you plug it in.
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life
Pros are those who do their jobs well even when they don't feel like
it
Running a business is about 95% people and 5% economics.
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
Variables won't; constants aren't.
Interchangable devices won't.
Don't force it, get a larger hammer!
english.9dejanr,
I received the following from a NeXT mailing list, and just had
to post it here for all to read. --enjoy
-dennis
Japan's Got Us Beat
in the Service Department, Too
by Hilary Hinds Kitasei
My husband and I bought one souvenir the last time we were in
Tokyo -- a Sony compact disk player. The transaction took
seven minutes at the Odakyu Department Store, including time
to find the right department and to wait while the salesman
filled out a second charge slip after misspelling my husband's
name on the first.
My in-laws, who were our hosts in the outlying city of
Sagamihara, were eager to see their son's purchase, so he
opened the box for them to see the next morning. But when he
tried to demonstrate the player, it wouldn't work. We peered
inside. It had no innards! My husband used the time until
the Odakyu would open at 10:00 to practice for the rare
opportunity in that country to wax indignant. But at a
minute to 10:00 he was pre-empted by the store ringing us.
My mother-in-law took the call, and had to hold the receiver
away from her ear against the barrage of Japanese honorifics.
Odakyu's vice president was on his way over with a new disk
player.
A taxi pulled up 50 minutes later and spilled out the vice
president and a junior employee who was laden with packages
and a clipboard. In the entrance hall, the two men bowed
vigorously.
The younger man was still bobbing as he read from a log
that recorded the progress of their efforts to rectify their
mistake, beginning at 4:32 p.m. the day before, when the
salesclerk alerted the store's security guards to stop my
husband at the door. When that didn't work, the clerk turned
to his supervisor, who turned to his supervisor, until
a SWAT team leading all the way to the vice president
was in place to work on the only clues, a name and an
American Express card number. Remembering that the customer
had asked him about using the disk player in the U.S., the
clerk called 32 hotels in and around Tokyo to ask if a
Mr. Kitasei was registered. When that turned up nothing,
the Odakyu commandeered a staff member to stay until 9:00
p.m. to call American Express headquarters in New York.
American Express gave him our New York telephone number.
It was after 11 when he reached my parents, who were
staying at our apartment. My mother gave him my in-laws'
telephone number.
The younger man looked up from his clipboard and gave us,
in addition to the new $280 disk player, a set of towels,
a box of cakes, and a Chopin disk. Three minutes after
this exhausted pair had arrived, they were climbing back
into the waiting cab. The vice president suddenly dashed
back. He had forgotten to apologize for my husband having
to wait while the salesman had rewritten the charge slip,
but he hoped we understood that it had been the young man's
first day.
english.10dejanr,
[Sledeća tri šaljiva teksta sa raznih stranih BBS-ova
pronašli smo na WILDCAT BBS-u 041 446 700]
WHAT NOT TO NAME YOUR DOG!!!
============================
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I called
mine "Sex". Sex has been embarrassing to me. When I went to
the Post Office to renew his license, I told the clerk I would
like to have a license for Sex; he said he would like one too.
Then I said "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what
she looked like. Then I said "You don't understand. I have had
Sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a
kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog
with me. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and
me, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the
place was for sex. I said "You don't understand, Sex keeps me
awake at night. "The clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition
began, the dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was
standing there looking around. I told him I planned to have
Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own
tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have
Sex on TV. " He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for
custody of the dog, I said "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was
married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after
I was separated, Sex left me. He said "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around
town for him. A policeman came over to me and asked me, "What
are you doing in this alley at 04:00 in the morning?" I said,
"I am looking for Sex."
My case comes up on Friday.
english.11dejanr,
LOVE BYTES
( Or sex and the single computer )
Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His
broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with
numerous input/ output devices, even if it meant time-sharing.
One evening he arrived home just as the sun was crashing, and
had parked his Motorola 68000 in the main drive ( he had
missed the 5100 bus that morning ), when he noticed that an
elegant piece of hardware admiring the daisy wheels in his
garden. He thought to himself, "She looks user friendly. I'll
see if she'd like an update tonight."
Mini was her name , and she was delightfully engineered with
eyes like COBOL and a Prime mainframe architecture that set
micro's peripherals networking all over the place.
He browsed over her casually, admiring the power of her twin,
32-bit floating point processors and enquired, "How are you
Honeywell?" "Yes, I am well" she responded, batting her
optical fibres engagingly and smoothing her console over her
curvilinear functions. Micro settled for a straight line
approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight," he said. "How about
computing a vector to my base address. I'll output a byte to
eat, and maybe we could get offset later on."
Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds then
transmitted, "8K, I've been dumped myself recently, and a new
page is just what I need to refresh my discs. I'll park my
machine cycle in your back- ground and meet you inside." She
walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking,
"Wow, what a global variable, I wonder if she'll like my
firmware."
They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of
fiche and chips and a bucket of Baudot. Mini was in
conversation mode and expanded on ambiguous arguments while
Micro gave occasional acknowledgements although in reality, he
was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her
entry point. He finally settled on the old "would you like to
see my benchmark subroutine", but Mini was one step ahead.
Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to
reveal the full functionality operating system software.
"Let's get BASIC, you RAM," she said. Micro was loaded by this
stage, but his processor module had a processor of its own and
was in danger of overflowing its output buffer, a hang-up that
Micro had consulted his analyst about. "Core," was all that he
could say.
Micro soon recovered, however, when she went down on the DEC
and opened her device file to reveal her data set ready. He
accessed his fully packed root device and was just about to
start pushing into her CPU stack, when she attempted an escape
sequence.
"No No!" she piped. "You're not shielded."
"Reset, Baby," he replied. "I've been fully debugged."
"But I haven't got my current loop enabled and can't support
child processes," she protested.
"Don't run away," he said. "I'll generate an interrupt."
"No that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my
design philosophy."
Micro was locked in by this stage, and could not be turned
off. But she soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a
voltage spike into his main supply, whereupon he fell over
with a head crash and went to sleep.
"Computers," she thought as she compiled herself, "all they
ever think of is hex."
english.12dejanr,
Loonly Laws in L.A.
By Robert W. Pelton
L.A. Reader
Against the law to ride an "ugly horse?" Illegal for a fireman
to rescue a woman wearing a nightgown? Prohibited from walking
around with an ice-cream cone in your pocket? Author Samuel
Johnson once said, "The law is the last result of human wisdom
acting upon human experience for the benefit of the public." A
noble philosophy, perhaps, but Johnson's opinion is debatable
at best.
Officials who wrote some of the L.A. area's old laws appear to
have acted for no greater purpose than a good belly laugh. But
there are real reasons for some of these laws. For instance,
those regarding horses were largely passed to favor and
protect the horse in the late 1800s and early 1900s, when
horses were still the primary mode of transportation. An old
ordinance won't allow acrobats to perform on any city sidewalk
in L.A. because the city fathers decreed acrobatics might
frighten some of the local horses.
Clothing laws, by and large, originated around the same time
period. Laws dealing with women were always designed by men
who were often quite prejudiced by today's standards in their
thinking toward "the weaker sex."The extremely
fundamentalistic attitudes of many small-town religious
leaders often prevailed - hence, we find laws governing the
wearing of corsets, seem to have a special social
responsibility. An unusual piece of loony legislation says
every woman must "be found to be wearing a corset" when
attending any public dance. A physician is required to inspect
each female at the dance. The doctor must ascertain that the
woman is, in fact, complying with this archaic law.
Any laws having to do with Sunday were usually written and
passed as the need arose with the intent of keeping the
Sabbath holy. The church has enormous influence on laws
pertaining to gambling, curfews for young women, women
drinking alcoholic beverages, flirting, and even eating ice
cream. In Bonsall, no one is allowed to read the Sunday paper
while sitting in a rocking chair on their front porch while
church services are in session.
There's a strange ordinance in Covina where "A husband is not
guilty of desertion when his wife rents his room to a boarder
and crowds him out of the house."
Drivers in Hemet should be aware that the driver of "any
vehicle involved in an accident resulting in death...shall
immediately stop...and give his name and address to the person
struck."
A true dog lover, according to City Manager Doug Weiford,
might enjoy living in Riverside. An old piece of legislation
stops local citizens from "sticking out a tongue in the
direction of a dog." Nor can people living in Ventura make
"ugly faces" at dogs who are found to be "freely roaming" the
community. Animals appear to be treated fairly in Upland but
pity the poor owner: "It shall be unlawful for the owner or
keeper of horses, mules, cattle, sheep, goats, and hogs to run
at large." And don't bother duck hunting at night in Apple
Valley. Ducks aren't allowed to be heard quacking after 10:00
p.m.
Do you have difficulty flirting? You can't, according to the
municipal code in Inglewood: "It is unlawful for any male
person, within the corporate limits of the city of Inglewood,
to wink at any female person with whom he is unacquainted."
Beverly Hills also has an anti-flirting law. City Managed Ed
Kreins quotes this ordinance: "No male person shall make
remarks to or concerning, or cough or whistle at, or do any
other act to attract the attention of any woman upon or
traveling along any of the sidewalks."
Males in Buena Park have an even more difficult time in this
regard. They are specifically prohibited from "turning and
looking at a woman in that way" on the Sabbath. If he's caught
a second time, the violator has to "wear horse blinders" for a
24-hour period in public.
Community lawmakers do sometimes have a sense of humor.
According to City Manager Ralph Webb, Baldwin Park politicos
once decreed that "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on
any street within this community unless she is escorted by at
least two officers or unless she be armed with a club." An
amendment to the original ordinance reads "The provisions of
this status shall not apply to females weighing less than 90
pounds or exceeding 200 pounds nor shall it apply to female
horses."
You probably don't know that Santa Monica has a "bean snapper"
law. City Manager John Jalili declares: "Any person who shall
in the city of Santa Monica use or carry concealed or
unconcealed any bean snapper or like article, shall, upon
conviction, be fined."
Drivers beware when going through Los Angeles County. An early
speed law was worded: "Speed upon county roads will be limited
to 10 miles an hour unless the motorist sees a bailiff who
does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days, then the
driver will be permitted to make what he can." And "Whoever
operates an automobile on any public way - laid out under the
authority of law recklessly or while under the influence of
liquor shall be punished; thereby imposing upon the motorist
the duty of finding out at his peril whether certain highways
had been laid out recklessly or while under the influence of
liquor before driving his car over them." You figure it out.
In the same vein, there's a beauty from Whittier that says
"Two vehicles which are passing each other in opposite
directions shall have the right of way." Uh huh.
An old-fashioned piece of legislation in Hesperia outlaws
dueling under certain circumstances: no one is allowed to duel
when the opponents select water pistols for use as the
weapons.
Monrovia has a unique old wedding law. No young man can marry
the girl of his dreams until he has "proven his manhood." How?
It's quite simple; all the poor fellow is required to do is go
out and shoot six blackbirds or three crows which must then be
brought to his prospective father-in-law.
Stay away from Compton while wearing slack with hip pockets.
The city fathers long ago passed an ordinance banning hip
pockets in all men's pants - it was considered to be a perfect
place to hide a pint of liquor. Let's hope thirst doesn't
become a major problem if you're a woman in Ojai. No female
can expect to walk into a tavern and be graciously served.
It's illegal for a woman to stand within five feet of a bar
when she takes a drink in any public establishment serving
alcoholic beverages. She's in violation of this law even if
she only wants a glass of water!
A thirsty married man, according to the law in Camarillo,
could have serious problems. He can't purchase any form of
liquor without first having the written consent of his loving
spouse. And an old law in Gardena, according to City Manager
Ken Landau, prohibits a woman from chewing tobacco without
first having permission from her husband.
You could be breaking the law when you're just trying to have
an innocent night out. Boisterous adults and children can be
penalized in Mailbu should they "laugh out loud" in a movie
theater. And in Costa Mesa, citizens aren't allowed to enter a
movie theater within four hours of eating garlic.
Don't even thing of playing cards with a pregnant woman or a
child on the curb of any street in Temecula. And according to
the revised ordinances in Pomona, "No person shall hallo,
shout, bawl, scream, use profane language, dance, sing, whoop,
quarrel, or make any unusual noise or sound in any house in
such a manner as to disturb the peace and quiet of the
neighborhood."
Fashion can be dangerous. In Norwalk, "Any person who shall
wear in a public place any device or thing attached to her
head, hair, headgear or hat, which device or thing is capable
or lacerating the flesh of any other person with whom it may
come in contact and which is not sufficiently guarded against
the possibility of so doing, shall be adjudged a disorderly
person." Watch out, fashion victims.
If you've been out on the trail a bit too long and your horse
is weary, be sure you don't let it fall asleep within the city
limits of El Monte. They have an antiquated law in them parts
then prohibits a horse from falling asleep in a bathtub,
unless the rider is also sleeping with the horse. And if you
own a horse in Pico Rivera, it's strictly forbidden - if
you're a woman, attired in shorts, and you weigh over 200
pounds - to ride your horse in public. In Santa Ana, it's
illegal to let a horse sleep in a bakery.
You've got to be careful even when you're hungry. If you can't
find a can opener, whatever you do, don't try to shoot your
canned foods open with a revolver in Victorville. And if
you're a barber in Valencia, don't dare eat onions between the
hours of 7:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m.
Ice cream crops up quite a few times in the various cities'
law books. In Chino, citizens are prohibited from carrying an
ice-cream cone in their pocket, and in Rosemead, it's against
the law to eat an ice cream in public with a fork.
Try to stay away from Arcadia if you're planning to take you
date for a late cup of coffee. An old ordinance prohibits
"young women" from drinking a delicious cup of brew after 6:00
p.m. Speaking of drinking, a law in Bellflower actually offers
a degree of protection to drunks: "A drunk man had as good a
right to a perfect sidewalk as a sober man since he needs one
a good deal more."
Have to pay a visit to a dentist in the near future? In Irvine
a patient is not allowed to pull a dentist's tooth. Those who
partake of such frivolous activities can be jailed. But in
Castaic, fairness seems to govern the thinking of former
lawmakers. A dentist had better not accidentally pull the
wrong tooth. Should this happen, the patient has the right to
pull one of the dentist's teeth in return.
These are merely a few of the unusual situations covered by
ludicrous laws throughout the Los Angeles area. Most of these
decrees were written and then forgotten with the swift passage
of time. Relevant or ridiculous, most are still around today.
Clergyman Henry Ward Beecher said it all when he summed up his
view on the art of lawmaking: "We bury men when they are dead,
but we try to embalm the dead body of laws, keeping the corpse
in sight long after the vitality has gone. It usually takes a
hundred years to make a law; and then, after the law had done
its work, it usually takes another hundred years to get rid of
it."
english.13dejanr,
==========================
ask.bix/info.cbix2 #1184, from richard.pini, 471 chars,
Wed May 23 16:17:41 1990
This is a comment to message 1180.
--------------------------
I suspect he meant that the individual who was responsible for
defining ketchup as a vegetable is himself a vegetable.
Ronald and Nancy went out to a fine restaurant one evening for
dinner. They were seated and the waiter asked Nancy what she
would have for the appetizer; she replied,
"The pate."
"And for the soup?"
"I'll have the cream of asparagus."
"And for the entree?"
"The rack of lamb."
"And for the vegetable?"
"Oh, he'll have the same as me..."
english.14dejanr,
THE CONTRIBUTIONS OF EDSEL MURPHY
TO THE UNDERSTANDING OF THE BEHAVIOR
OF INANIMATE OBJECTS
I. Introduction
It has long been the consideration of the author that the
contributions of Edsel Murphy, specifically his general and
special laws delineating the behavior of inanimate objects,
have not been fully appreciated. It is deemed that this is, in
large part, due to the inherent simplicity of the law itself.
It is the intent of the author to show, by references drawn
from the literature, that the law of Murphy has produced
numerous corollaries. It is hoped that by noting these
examples, the reader may obtain a greater appreciation of
Edsel Murphy, his law, and its ramifications in engineering
and science.
As well known to those versed in the state-of-the-art,
Murphy's Law states that "If anything can go wrong, it will."
Or. to state it in more exact mathematical form: 1 + 1 (=) 2
where (=) is the mathematical symbol for hardly ever.
Some authorities have held that Murphy's Law was first
expounded by H. Cohen when he stated that "If anything con go
wrong, it will-during the demonstration." however, Chohen has
made it clear that the broader scope of Murphy's general law
obviously takes precedence.
To show the all-pervasive nature of Murphy's work, the author
offers a small sample of the application of the law in
electronics engineering.
II. General Engineering
II.1 A patent application will be preceded by one week by a
similar application made by an independent worker.
II.2 The more innocuous a design change appears, the further
its influence will extend.
II.3 All warranty and guarantee clauses become void upon
payment of invoice.
II.4 The necessity of making a major design change increases
as the fabrication of the system approaches completion.
II.5 Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional to
the tightness of the schedule.
II.6 Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable
terms. Velocity, for example will be expressed in furlongs per
fortnight.
II.7 An important instruction manual or operating manual will
have been discarded by the receiving department.
II.8 Suggestions made by the value analysis group will
increase costs and reduce capabilities.
II.9 Original drawings will be mangled by the copying machine.
III. Mathematics
III.1 In any given miscalculation, the fault will never be
placed if more than one person is involved.
III.2 Any error that can creep in, will. It will be in the
direction that will do the most damage to the calculation.
III.3 All constants are variables.
III.4 A decimal will always be misplaced.
III.5 In any given computation, the figure that is most
obviously correct will be the source of error.
III.6 In a complex calculation, one factor from the numerator
will always move into the denominator.
IV. Prototyping and Production
IV.1 Any wire cut to length will be too short.
IV.2 Tolerances will accumulate undirectionally toward maximum
difficulty of assembly.
IV.3 Identical units tested under identical conditions will
not be identical in the field.
IV.4 The availability of a component is inversely proportional
to the need for that component.
IV.5 If a project requires n components, there will be n-1
units in stock.
IV.6 If a particular resistance is needed, that value will not
be available. Further, it cannot be developed with any
available series or parallel combinations.
IV.7 A dropped tool will land where it can do the most damage.
(Also known as the law of selective gravitation.)
IV.8 A device selected at random from a group having 99%
reliability, will be a member of the 1% group.
IV.9 When one connects a 3-phase line, the phase sequence will
be wrong.
IV.10 A motor will rotate in the wrong direction.
IV.11 The probability of a dimension being omitted from a plan
or drawing is directly proportional to its importance.
IV.12 Interchangeable parts won't.
IV.13 Probability of failure of a component, assembly,
subsystem or system is inversely proportional to ease of
repair or replacement.
IV.14 If a prototype functions perfectly, subsequent
production units will malfunction.
IV.15 Components that must not and cannot be assembled
improperly will be.
IV.16 A d.c. meter will be used on an overly sensitive range
and will be wired in backwards.
IV.17 The most delicate component will drop.
IV.18 Graphics recorders will deposit more ink on humans than
on paper.
IV.19 If a circuit cannot fail, it will.
IV.20 A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
IV.21 An instantaneous power-supply crowbar circuit will
operate too late.
IV.22 A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will
protect the fuse by flowing first.
IV.23 A self-starting oscillator won't.
IV.24 A crystal oscillator will oscillate at the wrong
frequency - if it oscillates.
IV.25 A pnp transistor will be an npn.
IV.26 A zero-temperature-coeficient capacitor used in a
critical circuit will have a TC of -750/oC
IV.27 A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final
inspection.
IV.28 A purchased component or instrument will meet its specs
long enough, and long enough, to pass incoming inspection.
V.1 A specified environmental conditions will always be
exceeded.
V.2 Any safety factor set as a result of practical experience
will be exceeded.
V.3 Manufacturer's spec sheets will be incorrect by a factor
of 0.5 or 2.0, depending on which multiplier gives the most
optimistic value. For salesmen's claims these factors will be
0.1 or 10.0.
V.4 In an instrument of device characterized by a number of
plus-or-minus errors, the total error will be the sum of all
errors adding in the same direction.
V.5 In any given price estimate, cost of equipment will exceed
estimate by a factor of 3.
V.6 In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
[Preuzeto sa WILDCAT BBS-a]
english.15dejanr,
The Perfect Programmer
"No program is that perfect."
They said with a shrug.
"The client is happy..
What's one little bug?"
But he was determined.
The others went home.
He dug out the flow chart
Deserted, alone.
Night passed into morning
The room was cluttered
With memory dumps, microfiche,
"I'm close," he muttered.
Chain smoking, cold coffee,
Logic, deduction.
"I've got it," he cried. "just
change one instruction."
Then change two, then three more
As year followed year.
And strangers would comment.
"Is that guy still here?"
He died at the console
Of hunger and thirst.
Next day he was buried
Face down, nine edge first.
And his wife through her tears.
Accepted his fate.
Said, "He's not really gone,
He's just working late."
[Preuzeto sa WILDCAT BBS-a]
english.16dejanr,
A long-overdue attack on Natural Childbirth
Let's take just a quick look at the history of baby-having.
For thousands of years only women had babies. Primitive women
would go off into primitive huts and groan and wail and sweat
while other women hovered around. The primitive may stayed
outside doing manly things, such as lifting heavy objects and
spitting.
When the baby was born, the women would clean it up as best
they could and show it to the men, who would spit
appreciatively and head off to the forest to throw sharp
sticks at small animals. If you had suggested to primitive men
that they should actually watch women have babies, they would
have laughed at you and probably tortured you three or four
days. They were real men.
At the beginning of the 20th Century, women started having
babies in hospital rooms. Often males were present, but they
were professional doctors who were paid large sums of money
and wore masks. Normal civilian males continued to stay out of
the baby-having area; they remained in waiting rooms reading
old copies of Field and Stream, an activity that is less manly
than lifting heavy objects but still reasonably manly.
What I'm getting at is that for most of history, baby-having
was mainly in the hands (so to speak) of women. Many fine
people were born under this system. Charles Lindburgh, for
example.
Things changed, though, in the 1970's. The birth rate dropped
sharply. Women started going to college and driving bulldozers
and carrying briefcases and freely using words such as
"debenture". They just didn't have time to have babies. For a
while there, the only people having babies were unwed teenage
girls, who were very fertile and could get pregnant merely by
standing downwind from teenage boys.
Then, young professional couples began to realize their lives
were missing something; a sense of stability, of
companionship, of responsibility for another life. So they got
Labrador Retrievers. A little later, they started having
babies again, mainly because of the tax advantages. These days
you can't open your car door without hitting a pregnant women.
But there's a catch: Women now expect men to watch them have
babies. This is called "natural childbirth", which is one of
those terms that sounds terrific but that nobody understands.
Another one is "PH balanced".
At first, natural childbirth was popular only with hippie-
type, granola-oriented couples who lived in geodesic domes and
named their babies things like Peace Love World Understanding
Harrington-Schwartz. The males, their brains badly corroded by
drugs and organic food, wrote smarmy articles about what a
Meaningful Experience it is to see a New Life Come Into The
World. None of these articles mentioned the various other
fluids and solids that come into the world with the New Life,
so people got the impression that watching somebody having a
baby was just a peck of meaningful fun. At cocktail parties,
you'd run into natural-childbirth converts who would drone on
for hours, giving you a contraction-by-contraction account of
what went on in the delivery room. They were worse than
Moonies, or people who tell you how much they bought their
houses for in 1976 and how much they're worth today.
Before long, natural childbirth was everywhere, like salad
bars; and now, perfectly innocent civilian males all over the
country are required by federal law to watch females having
babies. I recently had to watch my wife have a baby.
First, we had to go to 10 evening childbirth classes at the
hospital. Before the classes, the hospital told us,
mysteriously, to bring two pillows. This was my first
humiliation because no two of our pillowcases match and many
have beer or cranberry-juice stains. It may be possible to
walk down the streets of Kuala Lumpar with stained, unmatched
pillowcases and still feel dignified, but this is not possible
in American hospitals.
Anyway, we showed up for the first class, along with about 15
other couples consisting of women who were going to have
babies and men who were going to have to watch them. They all
had matching pillowcases. If fact, some had previously
purchased tasteful pillowcases especially for childbirth
class; these were the trendy couples, wearing golf and tennis
apparel, who were planning to have wealthy babies. They sat
together through all the classes, and eventually agreed to get
together for brunch.
The classes consisted of sitting in a brightly lit room and
openly discussing, among other things, the uterus. Now I can
remember a time that I would have killed for reliable
information on the uterus. But having discussed it at length,
having seen actual full-color diagrams, I must say in all
honesty that although I respect it a great deal as an organ,
it has lost much of its charm.
Our instructor was very big on the uterus because that's where
babies generally spend their time before birth. She also spent
some time on the ovum, which is near the ovaries. What happens
is the ovum hangs around reading novels and eating chocolates
until along comes this crowd of spermatozoa, which are very
tiny, very stupid one-celled organisms. They're looking for
the ovum, but most of them wouldn't know it if they fell over
it. They swim around for days, trying to mate with the
pancreas and whatever other organs they bump into. But
eventually one stumbles into the ovum, and the happy couple
parades down the Fallopian tubes to the uterus.
In the uterus, the Miracle of Life begins, unless you believe
the Miracle of Life does not begin there, and if you think I'm
going to get into that, you're crazy. Anyway, the ovum starts
growing rapidly and dividing into lots of specialized parts,
not unlike the federal government. Within six weeks, it has
developed all the organs it needs to drool; by 10 weeks, it
has the ability to cry in restaurants. In childbirth class,
they showed us actual pictures of a fetus developing in a
uterus. They didn't tell us how these pictures were taken, but
I suspect it involved a great deal of drinking.
We saw lots of pictures. One evening, we saw a movie of a
woman we didn't even know having a baby. I am serious. Some
woman actually let moviemakers film the whole thing. In color.
She was from California. Another time, the instructor
announced, in the tone of voice that you might use to tell
people they had won a trip to Hawaii, that we were going to
see color slides of a Caesarian section. The first slides
showed a pregnant woman cheerfully entering the hospital. The
last slides showed her cheerfully holding a baby. The middle
slides showed how the got the baby out of the cheerful woman,
but I can't give you a lot of detail here because I had to go
out for 15 or 20 drinks of water. I do remember that at one
point our instructor cheerfully observed that there was
"surprisingly little blood, really". She evidently felt this
was a real selling point.
When we weren't looking at pictures or discussing the uterus,
we practiced breathing. This is what happens when the baby
gets ready to leave the uterus, the woman goes through a
series of what the medical community laughingly refers to as
"contractions". If it referred to them as "horrible pains that
make you wonder why the hell you ever decided to get
pregnant", people might stop having babies and the medical
community would have to go into the major-appliance business.
In the old days, under President Eisenhower, doctors avoided
the contraction problems by giving lots of drugs to women
having babies. They'd knock them out during the delivery, and
the women would wake up when their kids were entering the
fourth grade. But the idea with natural childbirth is to try
to avoid giving the woman a lot of drugs so she can share the
first intimate moments after birth with the baby and father
and the obstetrician and the pediatrician and the standby
anesthesiologist and several nurses and the person who cleans
the delivery room.
The key to avoiding drugs, according to the natural-childbirth
people, is for the woman to breath deeply. Really. The theory
is that if she breaths deeply, she'll get all relaxed and
won't notice that she's in a hospital delivery room wearing a
truly perverted garment and having a baby. I'm not sure who
came up with the theory. Whoever it was evidently believed
that women have very small brains. So, in childbirth classes,
we spend a lot of time sprawled out on these mats with our
pillows while the women pretended to have contractions and the
men squatted around with stopwatches and pretended to time
them. The trendy couples didn't care for this part. They were
not into squatting. After a couple of classes, they started
bringing little backgammon sets and playing backgammon when
they were supposed to be practicing breathing. I imagine they
had a rough time in actual childbirth, unless they got the
servants to have contractions for them.
Anyway, my wife and I traipsed along for months, breathing and
timing, respectively. We had no problems whatsoever. We were a
terrific team. We had a swell time. Really.
The actual delivery was slightly more difficult. I don't want
to name names, but I held up my end. I had my stopwatch in
good working order and I told my wife to breath. "Don't forget
to breath", I'd say, or, "you should breath, you know". She,
on the other hand, was unusually cranky. For example, she
didn't want me to use my stopwatch. Can you imagine? All that
practice, all that squatting on the natural-childbirth
classroom floor, and she suddenly gets into this big snit
about stopwatches. Also, she almost completely lost her sense
of humor. At one point, I made an especially amusing remark,
and she tried to hit me. She usually has an excellent sense of
humor.
Nonetheless, the baby came out alright, or least alright for
newborn babies, which is actually pretty awful unless your a
fan of slime. I thought I had held up well when the doctor,
who up to then had behaved like a perfectly rational person,
said, "Would you like to see the placenta?". Now lets face it:
That is like asking, "Would you like me to pour hot tar into
your nostrils?". Nobody would like to see a placenta. If
anything, it would be a form of punishment.
Jury: We find the defendant guilty of stealing from the old
and crippled.
Judge: I sentence the defendant to look at three placentas.
But without waiting for an answer, the doctor held up the
placenta, not unlike the way you might hold up a bowling
trophy. I bet he wouldn't have tried that with people who have
matching pillowcases.
The placenta aside, everything worked out fine. We ended up
with an extremely healthy, organic, natural baby, who
immediately demanded to be put back into the uterus.
All in all, I'd say it's not a bad way to reproduce, although
I understand that some members of the flatworm family simply
divide into two.
[Preuzeto sa WILDCAT BBS-a]
english.17dejanr,
Sex is like snow.
You never know how many inches you'll get, and how
long it will last
[Preuzeto sa UEK::JOKES, autor CATHY::DAISY]
english.18dejanr,
[Nova tema chatter.comic sa BIX-a]
==========================
chatter/comic #1, from bozlee, 222 chars,
Mon Jul 2 22:44:26 1990
--------------------------
TITLE: FIRST IN LINE!!!!
Hear the story about the guy who walks into a doctors office
with a duck on his head? The Doc says "What is the problem?"
The duck says, "would you believe this started out as a wart
on my butt?"
==========================
chatter/comic #2, from jenn, 403 chars,
Mon Jul 2 22:55:43 1990
--------------------------
TITLE: Hmm...I'll refrain from saying that I'm behind
boz...hehe.. Two really stupid guys. Really stupid.
Driving down a street. The really stupid driver turns
to the really stupid passenger and asks if he'll
lean out the window and see if his blinkers are
working. The stupid passenger says 'Sure'.
Stupid driver says "Well, are they working?" Stupid
passenger says "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No...."
english.19lanik,
--------------------------------------------------------------------
What glows and goes "Yow!"?
A lightning bug trying to make love to a lit cigarette!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Prezocki is in the hospital.
She says, "Doctor, how long after my operation do I have to wait to
have sex?
He says, "You know, Mrs. Prezocki, you're the firs woman that ever
asked me that before a tonsillectomy!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A little old lady walks into the drug store.
She says to the guy behind the counter, "Have you got cotton balls?"
He says, "What do I look like, lady? A rag doll?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Polish mosquito?
Died of malaria!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the Polish girl stop wearing her training bra?
The wheels were irritating her armpits!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Dirty Johhny says to Loose Lisa, "Lisa, I'd really like to get in
your pants!"
She says, "Why, John?"
He says, "I just went in mine!!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fellows are walking along the beach. A seagull unloads on the
first guy's shoulder.
The second guy says, "You want me to get some toilet paper?"
The first guy says, "Nah, it's probably miles away by now!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
english.20dejanr,
[Preuzeto sa DECnet-a, autor je izvesni Leon iz Amsterdama.
Ali može se ponešto naučiti...]
Please stop complaining about the mail system. It works for us,
and we use it more than you do. If there are some features you
think might be missing, if the system isn't as simple to use
as you think it should be, TOUGH! Go back to writing letters,
we don't need you. See Figure 1.
---------------------------------
! _ !
! { } !
! ! ! !
! ! ! !
! .-.! !.-. !
! .-! ! ! !.-. !
! ! ! ! ; !
! \ ; !
! \ ; !
! ! : !
! ! ! !
! ! ! !
! !
---------------------------------
Figure 1.
Forget about your silly problem, let's take a look at some of
the features of our mail system:
1) Address Syntax.
We can understand lots of address formats. We take them in
and turn them around a few times until we something suitable
for sending out. Mixed syntax addresses get unmixed. We think
it's great. So, you don't want your addresses turned around?
You actually want to use mixed addresses? Too bad. You
shouldn't need to anyway. See Figure 1.
2) NRS addresses.
In the UK our domain addresses are the "other way round"
(like the way we drive on the left). But our mailer will take
your address in either order and figure out which way round
it should be. So mail to your Computer Science Dept. sometimes
goes to Czechoslovakia instead. Tough. Get Czechoslovakia to
change its name. Anyway, we told the JNT about the domain
ordering problem a long time ago. They said "See Figure 1".
3) Host Hiding.
Works just fine. All these machines look like one mail host,
and we have tables set up so mail coming in from anywhere is
sent to the machine with your mailbox on it. You can't access
that machine? Too bad. You can even try redirecting mail to
another machine. Of course, if its a machine we control we'll
probably send it right back again. Tough. See Figure 1.
4) Tailored Delivery.
We can do it. You can get a vacation program to automatically
reply to people who send you mail when you are away. Then their
vacation programs can reply to your vacation program. And your
vacation program can reply to their replies. But don't think you
can get away with all this junk mail for long, because we can
hit you with ...
5) Authorization.
We can stop sites sending mail or receiving mail through our
system. We can even pick on individual users. Oh, you mean you
can't send mail to us any more. Tough, we didn't want your
complaints anyway. See Figure 1.
6) Error messages.
If you don't understand them, ignore them. Why give yourself
an ulcer? Try sending your message again, or else use the phone
instead. Don't waste time mailing us about it, we're not
interested. See Figure 1.
7) Performance.
Who needs it? If the machine is too slow for you, buy another
one. We'll keep this as the mail machine. Anyway, you wait until
X.400 arrives. We spoke to the OSI developers about performance,
they think a lot like we do, they said "See Figure 1".
In conclusion, love the mail system or leave it, but don't complain.
english.21dejanr,
============================================================================
Note 160.0 Jokes from EUNET 7 replies
UEK::MATJAZ "Matjaz Rihtar" 29 lines 30-JUL-1990 16:21
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: gtaylor@cs.strath.ac.uk (George M Taylor IE87)
Subject: In poor taste...
Date: 21 Nov 89 09:59:27 GMT
This family are sitting at home watching TV. Mother, father and daughter.
The mother suggests that someone else makes the suppper for a change. But
father & daughter both refuse, and a fight starts.
A compromise is reached after much shouting. The next person to speak, makes
supper. So all 3 sit silent for an hour until the daughters boy friend walks
in. He says "Hello", but gets no response. He tries to start up a conversation
with them but fails. So he sits next to the girl and watches TV with them...
After a while he gets bored and starts to let his hand wander on to the girls
knee. No one talks any notice. So he lets his hands wander futher up her dress.
No one bothers. So he starts to undress his girl friend. Still nothing is said.
Before long hes got her onto the floor and giving it to her good...
When he finishes the girl gets up, dresses, nd sits down to watch television
as if nothing had happend. Neither her mother or father do anything but watch
the TV. After another hour, the boy friend gets bored, and wanting to see how
far he can push his luck, starts to undress the mother (whos not bad looking!)
Before long hes giving the mother the same treatment on the floor.
When hes finished, she gets dress and goes back to watching the TV.
Feeling in need of some refreshment the boy fiend goes through to the kitchen
and start to make a coffee for himself. While hes pouring the hot water he
burns himself so he goes back to were the family are sitting and asks:
Boyfiend : "Anyone got a jar of vaseline"
Father : "I'LL MAKE THE SUPPER ....!"
english.22dejanr,
=============================================================================
Note 160.1 Jokes from EUNET 1 of 7
UEK::MATJAZ "Matjaz Rihtar" 8 lines 30-JUL-1990 16:21
-< joker >-
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: joker
Date: 11 Nov 89 15:07:55 GMT
The man ordered a good, cold martini. The waitress, being talkative
says:
"Here is something new, a icecube with a hole in it"
"What is so new about that. That is just the descriptions of my wife"
english.23dejanr,
=============================================================================
Note 160.2 Jokes from EUNET 2 of 7
UEK::MATJAZ "Matjaz Rihtar" 20 lines 30-JUL-1990 16:22
-< Re: Mero Tranzladeenz!!! >-
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: jeanpaul@duteca (J.P.M. van der Jagt)
Subject: Re: Mero Tranzladeenz!!!
Date: 24 Nov 89 10:28:48 GMT
There was this man in a restaurant who had ordered some soup. But the waiter
kept him waiting (what else does a waiter do). The guy sitting next to him
*did* have a dish with soup in front of him on the table, but he wasn't eating
it. So our man takes this dish with soup and starts eating. When he's almost
finished he noticed a dirty hairy comb lying on the bottom of the dish, so he
puked all the soup back into the dish.
Says the guy next to him: "That's just as far as I got."
----------------------------------------------------------
| J.P.M. van der Jagt |\ %%%%%% %%%%%
| Delft University of Technology | \ % % %
| Dept. of Elect. Engineering, room 10.05 | > % %%%%%
| P.O. Box 5031, 2600 GA Delft, The Netherlands | / % % %
| Phone: 31-15-781366 Email: jeanpaul@duteca.tudelft.nl |/ %%%% %
----------------------------------------------------------
%%%%%%% Progression is getting used to things you didn't ask for %%%%%%%
english.24dejanr,
=============================================================================
Note 160.3 Jokes from EUNET 3 of 7
UEK::MATJAZ "Matjaz Rihtar" 130 lines 30-JUL-1990 16:22
-< Boyfriends & Girlfriends >-
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: fkk@stasys.UUCP (Frank Kaefer)
Subject: Boyfriends & Girlfriends
Date: 10 Dec 89 10:01:00 GMT
Here's some funny stuff from rec.humor.funny - enjoy!
Frank.
-From: USCTR1::JBEAUDET
The 9 Types of Boyfriends
Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg,
Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's
stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow
Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n'
Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed
weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how,
but--"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like
crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
The 9 Types of Girlfriends
Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't
have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze,
doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of
a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from
Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious
The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.
Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes
Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my
career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love
onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering
at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition,
iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I
feel about our relationship"
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my
handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed
weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
+--------------------------------+ Keep your night light burning
| Frank Kaefer | fkk@stasys.UUCP | I'll come through wind and rain
| (Compuserve: 72427,2101) | Keep your night light burning
| (BIX: fkaefer) | I'll be with you once again
+--------------------------------+ [On A Storyteller's Night - Magnum]
english.25dejanr,
=============================================================================
Note 160.4 Jokes from EUNET 4 of 7
UEK::MATJAZ "Matjaz Rihtar" 8 lines 30-JUL-1990 16:24
-< Aus einem Disclaimer >-
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: AlmesbergerW
Subject: Aus einem Disclaimer
Date: 31-DEC-1989 03:16:53.23
Aus einem Disclaimer:
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
english.26dejanr,
=============================================================================
Note 160.5 Jokes from EUNET 5 of 7
UEK::MATJAZ "Matjaz Rihtar" 17 lines 30-JUL-1990 16:24
-< Mac-users >-
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
From: AlmesbergerW
Subject: Mac-Users
Date: 7-JAN-1990 20:06:44.70
.joke
Q: How many Macintosh/Atari/Amiga users does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: None. Mac/ST/Amiga users dont screw, they just point and click at the
genital icon.
.joke end
+--------------------------------+ Keep your night light burning
| Frank Kaefer | fkk@stasys.UUCP | I'll come through wind and rain
| (Compuserve: 72427,2101) | Keep your night light burning
| (BIX: fkaefer) | I'll be with you once again
+--------------------------------+ [On A Storyteller's Night - Magnum]
english.27dejanr,
=============================================================================
Note 160.6 Jokes from EUNET 6 of 7
UEK::MATJAZ "Matjaz Rihtar" 7 lines 30-JUL-1990 16:25
-< ... aus einer Signature >-
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: AlmesbergerW
Subject: ... aus einer Signature
Date: 7-JAN-1990 20:05:34.88
Quote: "I'd rather type "cc fubar.c" than point-click-point-click-point-
click-point-click-knock-over-my-coffee-cup." [Steve Yelvington, 2-11-89]
english.28dejanr,
=============================================================================
Note 160.7 Jokes from EUNET 7 of 7
UEK::MATJAZ "Matjaz Rihtar" 52 lines 30-JUL-1990 16:25
-< DEC Virgin >-
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: stuart@wotan.UUCP (Stuart Freedman {x1708})
Subject: DEC Virgin
Keywords: sexual, computer, chuckle
Date: 21 Nov 89 11:30:06 GMT
-From: "Curley, Robert F."
A Digital Marketing Manager got married to a women who had been married
eight times before, and on his wedding night his wife informed him
that she was still a virgin. This puzzled the Marketing Manager
since after eight marriages he thought that at least one of her
husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to
explain the phenomena. Her comments were as follows:
My first husband was a Digital Sales Representative who spent our entire
marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, "it's gonna be great".
My second husband was from Software Services, and he was never quite sure
how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me a
documentation.
My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that everything
was diagnostically ok, but he just couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, "those
who can... do; whose who can't... teach".
My fifth husband was from Digital's Manufacturing Organization who said that
he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to
deliver.
My sixth husband was a Digital engineer. He told me that he understood the
basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a
new state of the art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance&Administration. His comment was that
he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.
My eight husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he
was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to
do it.
The wife said sweetly to her new husband, "now I am married to you, a man
of marketing" and the husband looked at his wife and simply said, "I know
I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it".
{ed The longest version of this joke, so far.}
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers
willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
english.29dejanr,
==========================
tojerry/onions #3206, from glass, 158 chars, Sun Aug 5 13:36:12 1990
This is a comment to message 3188.
There is/are comment(s) on this message.
--------------------------
How many Jerry Pournelles does it take to change a light bulb?
None. He makes one phone call and the manufacturer comes over and installs
a dozen more. <BG>
==========================
tojerry/onions #3209, from ghurst, 292 chars, Sun Aug 5 14:24:11 1990
This is a comment to message 3206.
There is/are comment(s) on this message.
--------------------------
TITLE: How many jerryp's does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, the hardware part is easy. Now, if I could just remember what I did
with the manual and driver software. This must be a Mac bulb. It has one of
those intuitive interfaces that is impossible to figure out....
ghurst
==========================
tojerry/onions #3211, from akarna, 136 chars, Sun Aug 5 16:55:19 1990
This is a comment to message 3209.
--------------------------
Let's not forget that, once he figures out how to operate the thing, he
discovers that the worm drive is blocking the light switch. :)
english.30dejanr,
=============================================================================
Note 161.0 Vici iz UCLA 7 replies
AMOR::STRITAR "Andrej Stritar,IJS,(61)-371-321" 3 lines 7-AUG-1990 09:31
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iz Kalifornije je do mene pri{lo nekaj dalj{ih {al in zabavnih tekstov.
Objavljam jih delno urejene.
This was told to me by both Sandy and Darryl Bem, both of whom are Psychology
Professors at Cornell University.
The Bems, being well-versed in the area of sex roles and psychology, had
decided to raise their children androgynously. This included not only the
typical male-toy/female-toy aspects, but they were also very careful not to
impose any of their own learned sex role socialization upon their children.
For example, a frequent phrase was "the only difference between a male and
female is that a male has a penis and a female has a vagina." When the
parents were asked whether a person that the child could see was male or
female, they would reply (even if the parents could tell which it was), "I
don't know, dear, they have pants on, so we can't see if they are male or
female."
One day, their son (then in Kindergarten) decided that he wanted to wear
hair barrettes to school. Sandy and Darryl, of course, acquiesced and put
barrettes in his hair.
That night, they got a phone call from his teacher (who knew about the Bems'
rearing plan), who related the following story:
Upon arriving at school, another boy came up to their son and asked why he was
wearing barrettes in his hair. Little Bem replied, "Because I felt like it."
The other boy was visibly upset at this, but walked away.
A little while later, the boy comes back and says, "Why are you wearing
barrettes in your hair? Only _girls_ wear barrettes; you must be a girl."
Bem, true to his upbringing, replies, "I am not a girl; I have a penis and
testicles, girls have a vagina." The boy once again walks away.
During recess, the boy comes back once again, and _insists_ that Bem is a girl
because he is wearing barrettes. Once again, "The only difference between
boys and girls is that boys have a penis and testicles and girls have a
vagina."
The little boy exclaims, "You _must_ be a girl; you're wearing barrettes."
But Bem replies, "I'm a boy; I have a penis and testicles. Look -- I'll show
you!" At this point, Bem pulls down his pants to prove that he has a penis
and testicles...
The boy replies, "Everybody has one of those, but only girls wear barrettes."
english.31dejanr,
The following poem is excerpted with permission from Lee Leitner's
"Viewpoint" column which is featured in a bimonthly periodical for
Prime INFORMATION users called INFOCUS magazine. The original author's
were Fred Bremmer and Steve Kroese of Calvin College & Seminary of
Grand Rapids, MI.
FYI - a "wahka" is the decidedly "proper" (by popular vote) name for
the characters ">" and "<". This is in spite of INFOCUS readers of
Denver who still refer to them as "Norkies". The Michigan crowd
apparently has corrupted the spelling to "waka".
To wit, it is -
------------------------------------------------------------
"...a poem we think is about the lowly wahka. Maybe. Well,
perhaps---we're really not sure what the poem actually is
about. Here it goes:"
<>!*''#
^@`$$-
!*'$_
%*<>#4
&)../
!{~~SYSTEM HALTED
Transliterated:
Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,
Caret at back-tick dollar dollar dash,
Bang splat tick dollar under-score,
Percent splat waka waka number four,
Ampersand right-paren dot dot slash,
Vertical-bar curly-bracket tilde tilde CRASH.
english.32dejanr,
Well, here are some computer jokes. Computers aren't really intelligent.
They just think they are. I was talking to mine today, asking it's opinions
on a few matters, and here's what it had to say.
/* First we talked about food - something it */
/* understands pretty well, considering */
% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
$ drink <bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found
% got a light?
No match.
/* Then the mood got a little romantic */
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
% sh
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
/* Well, it got that right, so we talked about */
/* science, more it's domain */
$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create
/* Then politics, the computer and I agree on something, at least */
% rm Quayle-brains
rm: Quayle-brains nonexistent
% "How would you rate Bush's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
/* somehow I knew a computer would be an atheist */
% ar m God
ar: God does not exist
/* But for all it's flaws, it's always got a little smile for me */
% \(-
(-: Command not found.
--Cristina
P.S. I have no idea where these jokes came from. I didn't
make them up.
english.33dejanr,
I had a math professor who was doing his usual level best to ignore
the class while scribbling equations on, and lecturing to, the
blackboard. At one point, after a particularly amazing transition from
one equation to the next, he commented "and this obviously follows from
the above".
Another student asked "Professor, is it really obvious?". The prof
stepped back from the blackboard, looked at the equations for a couple
of minutes, then left the room without a comment. Ten minutes later he
returned, said "yes, it's obvious", and continued his lecture as if
nothing had happened.
english.34dejanr,
THE UNISEX, ROADKILL
P U R I T Y T E S T
_______________________________________________________________________________
Version 1.0 (232)
8-July-1990
_______________________________________________________________________________
Public domain; no copyright. All rights wronged, all wrongs reversed. Up with
running down. The flattened flesh commands: let there be kill. Murphy's law
on purity: Love is a matter of chemistry; roadkill is a matter of physics.
Chase make waste. Roadkill-Virginity can be cured.
This document was not sponsored by the Department of Defense Advanced Research
Projects Agency, and was not monitored by the Air Force Avionics Laboratory.
The views and conclusions contained in this document should not be interpreted
as representing the official policies, either expressed or implied, of the
Defense Advanced Projects Agency or the US Government. Neither should it be
interpreted nor inferred that the authors/contributors have actually performed
any of the actions contained herein. No roadkill, or roadkill-related
organizations, have been consulted in the construction of this test, and no
approval of theirs is implied by it authors.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Disclaimer of Liability
The reader hereby is warned that roadkill games can be dangerous; not all that
appears dead is dead; not all scents can be removed by normal means (ie, soap
and water); not many of those who are weak of heart or stomach can truly enjoy
roadkill games, and attempt to do so at their own risk of O'spurt-ing; not all
used in what one attempts to do with a given piece of roadkill; not many statee
not think twice about locking up and throwing away the key on anyone who can be
shown to have participated in roadkill games; roadkill can carry odd diseases;
odd diseases can be passed between two or more people engaging in roadkill
games with the same piece of roadkill; not all roadkill can be trusted when itn
manufactured and placed on the road for tourist's viewing pleasure by local
governments (case in point: t╚┘┐Ěumbe˛Hi│Éarmadillos one can see as roadkill on
any given day in Texas far exceeds any estimations of the living population on
the previous day); not all roadkill is suitable for consumption; not all
roadkill will go with "basic black" pumps; not all people consider roadkill a
topic for polite conversation; not all parties can be livened up by bringing
along your own roadkill; not many people consider roadkill an appropriate
housewarming gift; not all roadkill enjoys being roadkill; not all universities
have roadkill organizations that can tell you where the really good roadkill is
and that can inform you of local laws and customs in the area of roadkill
(start your own, today!); not many hunting magazines consider roadkill eligible
for "best kill" competitions; not many people read all of these conditions, but
all are held to have if they read later portions of the test, and therefore the
authors are not libel in any way, shape, or form for anything that happens to a
reader because of having read the Omnisex, Roadkill Purity Test, unless of
course something GOOD happens to the reader, in which case we demand 40% off
top-- contact the law firm of Grinch, Evil-anti-Grinch and Assoc., College
Station, TX, 77840, for payment instructions.
_______________________________________________________________________________
The Roadkill Purity Test is a blatant plagiarism of the original Purity Test,
and therefore we shall list its history as the history of this test.
Original Style Purity Test Genesis/History:
Version 1 (100) Created at MIT-1@aker House. Two parallel versions; one for
male, and one for female. Not much is known about this
version. It was ported to CMU by ps in 1982.
Version 2 (247) Spring 1983 - CMU/jb, pd, kr, ps, ts, mt, et al.
Expanded to 247 questions. This marked the beginning of
the unisex versions. The story goes that they intended it to be
250 questions, but got tired that night and said "we'll think
of three more tomorrow", and tomorrow never got there.
Version 3.3C.1 (400) on 05-Dec-1984
First formal release general of this test, version 3.xx. All
former versions were short-lived and tended to be bug-ridden.
Does not discriminate against gays or bi's. Added
Genesis/History section.
Version 3.4 (400) on 29-Jan-1985
Internal version; never released. Source code accidentally
destroyed, much to the consternation of one of the authors.
Cleaned up many bugs. Added sections: Disclaimer of Liability,
Instructions for Use, Scoring, and Warranty Information.
Version 3.5 (400) on 10-Apr-1985
Rebuilt from the 3.3C.1 source and the 3.4 (only surviving
copy) Xerox X9700 laser printer hardcopy. Cleaned up same bugs
in 3.4. Added in verbose history section.
Version 3.5A (400) on 13-Apr-1985: CMU/dausesa, tc, no, dt, sv, rz, et al
Found that we had 431 questions instead of 400.
Version 3.5B (400) on 18-Mar-1986: Yale (Pierson College)/ as
Intermediate release, with footnotes integrated into main body
of text and some grammatical errors cleaned up. Begun in
Fall, 1985; finished in April for the benefit of a friend at
MIT (where it all began), who hadn't seen any versions except
the antique Version 1.
Version 3.5C (400) on 17-Jan-1988: Yale (Pierson College)/mmd (CLARINET@YALEVM)
Grammatical errors corrected. Introduction and history
cleaned up.
Version 4.0 (500) on 23-April-1988: Yale (Silliman College)/dfc, ad, dcg, mlm,
and Dartmouth (Alpha Theta)/alb. Original 400-question version
expanded to 500 questions.
Roadkill 1.0 (232) on 31-April-1990: Texas A&M University (Forum)/mjf, mtm
while authors worked on update to 690 questions of original
style 4.0 version, a 1000 question version was posted by
competitors. Authors completely destroyed by information, and
in a fit of depression, anger, and laughter create the Roadkill
style Purity Test, Version 1.0
_______________________________________________________________________________
Instructions for Use:
This is a fairly long test consisting of 232 questions. It starts out
tame and gets progressively worse (or better, depending on your viewpoint).
There are many ways of going about taking this test. You can, of course, as
your right, guaranteed by the Constitution, be anti-social and sequester
yourself in your room and take this test all by yourself; however, we feel that
the funniest way to utilize this test is to hold a Purity Test Party. All you
need is one copy of the test, and a bunch of friends. (We find that writing
implements and paper are usually useful too.) The person with the copy of the
test is the test administrator; she/he/it reads the questions out loud and
everybody else writes down their answers. We have no definite rules as to
whether the participants are required to divulge their answers; that is up to
the group to decide. However, each person's purity score should be made common
knowledge. (The person with the lowest score gets to be avoided at all cost by
all sane people at the party.) This works great at parties and lets everybody
have a good laugh, and know who to avoid as potentially being Charles Manson
incognito. We advise that whoever is administering the test have the number
of a local 24-hour mental health facility handy for those that score
particularly low on this test. Don't leave home without it (this test or the
number).
Definitions
-----------
All questions in this test pertain to events that have happened to you
subsequent to your weaning and babyhood/infancy. Anything that may have
happened before that time is considered not standing and void.
We should define exactly what is considered roadkill. Human corpses are never
considered roadkill; they are covered in the necrophilia section of the
original style Purity Test. Roadkill is anything that could have once been
considered alive, but which has been killed on a highway, farm-to-market road,
city street, or any similar set path for motorized vehicles to travel on, by
one
of those said motorized vehicle. Motorized vehicle includes all cars and sizes
of trucks, all motorcycles, mopeds (not that these make much roadkill) and
anything else that gets you around while letting fat collect on your butt and
cholesterol clog your veins.
What constitutes a "particularly good" piece of roadkill can not be strictly
defined, and the parties involved in taking the test need to decided among
themselves what criteria should be followed in judging roadkill. The authors
would like to suggest that visual aspects are usually the most important factor
in judging roadkill, and neatness is usually a strike, not a bonus. However,
scent can not be ignored (especially with skunk-roadkill, or particularly aged
roadkill) and should figure into the judging in some manner. Beyond that
parties should decided on their own if size is a factor (ie, aren't somethings
too big not to have been hit on purpose?), or is being able to tell the make
of the tire that "did the deed" from the markings on the roadkill a bonus or
not.
We should like to point out that unlike the original version of the Purity
Test, you should be very concerned with the score you get on this test. The
lower the score you get, the more we would like to advise that you seek
professional mental help. (See administrator of test)
--- ALL TECHNICALITIES COUNT ---
_______________________________________________________________________________
Section 1: Some Ethical Questions 16 Questions.
Have you ever done any of the following:
1. administered a whole Roadkill Purity Test or are in the process of
administering a whole Roadkill Purity Test of any version? (That's
where you are the test administrator in a Purity Test Party. See
"Instructions for Use" for further information.)
2. taken the Roadkill Purity Tests of any versions more than 5 times?
3. lied on any previous Roadkill Purity Tests?
4. exaggerated about any roadkill experiences?
5. discussed roadkill and/or any related subjects in mixed company?
6. thought you might have unintentionally created roadkill?
7. mistaken roadkill for a speedbump?
8. lied about having made roadkill?
9. thought roadkill was merely and old brown-paper bag and therefore aimed
for it, only to discover your mistake when you got home and tried to
clean off that "ketchup"?
10. have you ever gotten roadkill hooked to your vehicle and known it, but
not stopped, rationalizing, "It'll fall off eventually anyway."
11. created unwanted roadkill? (all roadkill deserve a loving home-- adopt
some, today!)
12. Created roadkill while you were under the legal age for driving the type
of vehicle you were driving in the state in which you were doing so?
13. created sympathy roadkill? ("Ol' Rover just ain't as happy as he used to
be...." *vroom* *b-bump*)
14. given or received roadkill as payment for services?
15. gone to (or escorted someone to) a Roadkillers Anonymous meeting?
(Authors do not endorse such groups because they're party poopers.)
16. been arrested for roadkill games? (Authors deny any liability)
_____________________________________________________________________________
Section 2: Drugs and Roadkill. 22 Questions.
Have you ever done any of the following:
17. played roadkill games while under the influence of drugs or alcohol?
(what other way is there?)
18. taken the Roadkill Purity test while under the influence of drugs or
alcohol? (How many of you are getting *this* one?)
19. used drugs or alcohol to lower someone else's inhibitions about roadkill?
20. used drugs or alcohol to lower you own inhibitions about roadkill?
22. hidden drugs in roadkill?
23. used said drugs a few days later?
24. found drugs in roadkill by accident?
25. used said drugs anyway?
26. been so doped up you mistook roadkill for a live animal?
27. drug said roadkill around by a leash saying, "Gotta take Rover for a
walk"?
28. attempted to teach said roadkill tricks?
29. attempted to feed said roadkill?
30. been disturbed by said roadkill's behavior, so taken it to the vet, only
to be treated yourself?
31. ground up old, dry roadkill and tried to smoke it?
32. succeeded?
33. actually gotten a buzz from it?
34. made money by selling ground-up roadkill as drugs?
35. had customers come back for more?
36. been so doped up that you mistaken a live animal for roadkill and tried
to
play roadkill games with it?
37. almost gotten your arm chewed off when you tried to hide drugs in said
live animal?
38. created roadkill by hiding drugs in said live animal?
_______________________________________________________________________________
Section 3: Sex and Roadkill / Roadkill and Sex 13 Questions.
FYI: sex with roadkill is defined as using roadkill in some manner to
physically stimulate your genitals until climax (for you-- the
roadkill can't climax, it's dead).
Have you done any of the following:
39. had an arousing dream about roadkill? (Wet dreams and the like.)
40. had to fantasize about roadkill during sex, oral sex, or mutual
masturbation in order to be able to climax?
41. had to describe roadkill to a partner during sex, or mutual masturbation,
in order to get he/she to climax?
42. had to describe roadkill to a partner during sex, oral sex, or mutual
masturbation, in order to get you to climax?
43. met someone and had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation, with them
while out judging roadkill?
44. met someone and had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation, with them
while out collecting roadkill?
45. met someone and had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation, with them
while out checking roadkill for stashed drugs?
46. used roadkill in some fashion to get sex? (Rover was *sob* hit by a car
last week...)
47. claimed domestic pet roadkill as your own to try and get "sympathy sex"
out of someone?
48. ever had it work?
49. told someone that you too love roadkill strictly because you wanted to
have sex with them?
50. forced or coerced someone into having intimate physical relations
with roadkill?
51. had sex, oral sex, mutual masturbation where roadkill was merely involved
as an inanimate object?
_______________________________________________________________________________
Section 4: Roadkill as a Sex Object. 39 Questions.
Have you ever done any of the following:
52. stroked or fondled roadkill?
53. kissed roadkill on the lips?
54. kissed roadkill elsewhere?
55. French kissed roadkill on the lips?
56. French kissed roadkill elsewhere?
57. had an orgasm because of roadkill in some way, shape or form?
58. had sex with roadkill? (one on one)
59. had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation with more than 10 separate and
different pieces of roadkill? (two pieces of the same kill count only
once total)
60. had sex with roadkill which you never saw? (Authors in no way condone
hazing)
61. attempted to have sex with roadkill which you, in a doped up haze,
mistook for a live animal and succeeded?
62. gone back for more?
63. gone back for more AFTER you sobered up?
64. attempted to have sex with a live animal which you, in a doped up haze,
mistook for roadkill and been *seriously* injured?
65. turned down sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation with a person to go
have sex with roadkill?
66. turned down sex with a live animal to go have sex with roadkill?
67. had sex with roadkill using an appenditure/orifice that nature did not
intend to be there?
68. caught odd disease through having sex with roadkill?
69. had anal sex with roadkill? (an orifice nature did intend to be there)
70. brought roadkill to a party and passed it around in a spin-the-bottle
like game, where the *winner* gets to have sex with the roadkill?
71. enjoyed sex with some particular piece of roadkill so much that you
brought it home and attempted to preserve it for later use?
72. used it later?
73. used it later even though your attempts at preservation were not working?
74. presently have some roadkill waiting for you at home right now?
75. planned to just "pick some up" on the way home tonight?
76. had sex with roadkill in a place where you could be seen by others?
77. had sex with roadkill in a place where you could be seen by others on
purpose?
78. had sex with roadkill in a place where you could be seen by others on
purpose, and *made*sure* someone saw?
79. had sex with roadkill in front of your significant other in an attempt
to arouse them?
80. made video tapes of yourself having sex with roadkill to show, and
hopefully, arouse your significant other?
81. had said video tapes get into the "wrong hands"?
82. rented a roadkill porno flick and discovered yourself or your significant
other playing the star role?
83. rented a roadkill porno flick and discovered your missing pet playing the
non-living star role?
84. had sex with roadkill as part of an act which you got paid for?
85. been paid extra to go to a fan's home and repeat the performance with
said
fan's own favorite piece of roadkill?
86. been presently fantasizing about have sex with roadkill right now?
87. been enjoying it?
88. would you like to take a break to fulfill these fantasies then finish the
test later?
89. Did you take a break to fulfill your fantasies?
90. Did you lower your score by taking this break?
______________________________________________________________________________
Section 5: Roadkill and Sex Part II: Locality. 36 questions.
This section tries to figure out how many places you have had sex with
roadkill in.
Have you ever had sex with roadkill in any of the following places:
91. a place of religion? (Church, temple, altar, Grand Holy Cabbage Head
Patch, etc.)
92. a place of the dead? (Morgue, mortuary, cemetery, etc.)
93. a contraption of the dead? (Coffin, hearse, body bag, etc.)
94. in/on a construction site (house, office, launch platform, etc.)?
95. in a moderately sized, land/road-based vehicle of LESS THAN 30,000 pounds
net unladen gross weight? (car, station wagon, van, minivan, minibus,
etc.)
96. in a moderately sized, land/road-based vehicle of LESS THAN 30,000 pounds
net unladen gross weight, that was used to create the roadkill?
97. in a moderately sized, land/road-based vehicle of LESS THAN 30,000 pounds
net unladen gross weight, while trying to make MORE roadkill?
98. in a land/road-based vehicle of MORE THAN 30,000 pounds net unladen
gross weight? (truck, tank, armored car, steam-roller, crane, bulldozer,
garbage truck, etc.)
99. in a land/road-based vehicle of MORE THAN 30,000 pounds net unladen
gross weight, that was used to create the roadkill?
100. in a land/road-based vehicle of MORE THAN 30,000 pounds net unladen
gross weight, while trying to make MORE roadkill?
101. in a land-based, non road dependent vehicle? (Train, subway, roller-
coaster, monorail, Disneyland ride, etc.)
102. in a water based, manual powered vehicular transport medium? (Rowboat,
surfboard, floating bathtub, etc.) (For this question it only counts if
the thing was in the water at the time.)
103. in a water based, wind or propeller driven transport medium LESS THAN 80
feet in length? (Yacht, PT boat, windsurfer, Sunfish, etc.) (in this
case, seakill can be considered roadkill, ie, dolphins, sea turtles, etc)
104. in a water based, wind or propeller driven transport medium MORE THAN 80
feet in length? (Cruise ship, battleship, aircraft carrier, nuclear
submarine?, etc.)(once again, seakill can be considered roadkill, ie,
dolphins, sea turtles, etc)
105. in an aircraft? (Airplane, helicopter, hovercraft, balloon, zeppelin,
space shuttle, flying carpet, flying saucer, etc.)
106. in a household room other than a bedroom?
107. on the floor (but not the roof)?
108. on the roof (but not the floor)?
109. on any furniture that is indoors but is not a bed, table, desk, counter-
top, a nor anything that is predominantly used for sitting or as a
table/desk? (Television, washer/dryer, microwave, etc.)_
110. in a telephone booth, voting booth, automatic photograph taker, or any
such small, non-moving enclosure that was not designed for such
activities?
111. in an elevator, people-mover, escalator, dumbwaiter, or any building-
internal people moving device?
112. up a tree but not in a tree house or similar structure?
113. up a tree and in a tree house or similar structure?
114. in a suspension device of some kind (hammock, trampoline, tightrope,
safety net, etc.)?
115. on the roof of a building in excess of 5 floors?
116. inside or within the confines of a hedge, bush, other natural vegetation
which can provide a wall effect, cave, rock overhang, well, or any other
secluded, outdoor, non-vegetative shielding structure?
117. in the snow?
118. in the spring thaw with same roadkill, that winter had so considerately
preserved?
119. in a place where the prevailing, ambient temperature (of the air
immediately surrounding you) was below the freezing point of water?
120. in a place where the prevailing, ambient temperature was below the
freezing point of water, because you wanted the roadkill to last as long
as possible?
121. in a place where you could have been discovered?
122. in a water-filled bathtub, hot tub, or under a shower or other running
water (waterfall, torrential downpour, monsoon, etc.)?
123. in a body of water? (swimming pool, swimming hole, pond, lake, lagoon,
sea, ocean, etc.) (seakill counts)
124. on the beach (and the resultant sand in uncomfortable places)?
125. in a bathroom of the opposite sex?
126. gone to a motel (however sleazy) for the sole purpose of having sex with
roadkill?
[nastavak sledi...]
english.35dejanr,
-> #34, dejanr[nastavak prethodne]
Section 5: Roadkill Hobbies 27 questions.
A roadkill hobby is anything that is not adventurous enough to qualify
as a roadkill game, but which some people do for pleasure anyway.
127. collected roadkill?
128. used roadkill as fertilizer?
129. kept a written record of roadkill you have seen?
130. kept a written record/judging on every piece of roadkill you have seen?
131. kept a written record/judging of roadkill you have created?
132. written a Roadkill Purity Test?
133. watched a television special on roadkill?
134. taped said special to watch again?
135. watched said special with your significant other?
136. moved roadkill around to increase esthetic effect?
137. backed up to get another look at a "particularly good" piece of roadkill?
138. gone home, found a friend or lover, and brought them back to see said
"particularly good" piece of road kill?
139. had him/her bring a camera with black and white film?
140. had him/her bring a camera with color film?
141. had him/her bring a video-recorder?
142. had him/her hire a professional film crew and use 80mm color film it was
so good?
143. reminisced about the "good ol' days" of roadkill?
144. gotten into an argument over which section of the country has the best
roadkill?
145. had a competition to find out?
146. been a judge?
147. won?
148. stated in your will that a part of your estate should go to the creation
(or continued existence) of a roadkill promotion organization at your
alma mater?
149. erected a memorial at the sight of a bit of "particularly good" roadkill?
150. visited others memorials?
151. come to tears because you weren't there to see that bit of "particularly
good" roadkill yourself?
152. laid flattened rodentia/amphibia at the base of said memorial?
153. designed, printed, and distributed a map showing all such memorials in
your area or state?
_____________________________________________________________________________
Section 6 Roadkill Games. 78 questions
The section you've all been waiting for. Roadkill games are similar to
roadkill hobbies but much more adventurous. Most people begin with roadkill
hobbies, then move on to roadkill games, then, as the years pass by and the
joints stiffen, return to roadkill hobbies. If you answer "yes" to ANY
question in this section, you're hooked-- you will be a roadkill fan for the
rest of your lonely, lonely life.
Have you ever:
154. cooked and eaten roadkill?
155. eaten roadkill raw?
156. quenched your thirst with whatever you could squeeze out of roadkill?
157. made roadkill margaritas?
158. used roadkill as bait?
159. used roadkill to feed your pets?
160. fed roadkill to someone else and lied about where you got the meat?
161. told them the truth when they were done?
162. refused to clean up the mess when they didn't make it to the toilet?
163. told someone you had fed them roadkill when you hadn't?
164. refused to clean up the mess when they didn't make it to the toilet?
165. sent a roadkill recipe into a cooking contest?
166. won said contest?
167. made chocolate-covered roadkill? (just like Ma used to make)
168. ordered a roadkill dish at a restaurant?
169. ordered a roadkill dish FROM THE MENU at a restaurant?
170. complimented the chef on said dish?
171. called for pizza and asked for roadkill as one of your toppings?
172. sent said pizza back claiming roadkill wasn't fresh?
173. bought bottled roadkill juices?
174. marketed any roadkill products for human consumption?
175. gotten rich from it? (authors demand a cut of profits-- see prologue)
176. practiced for your biology lab on roadkill?
177. sold roadkill to high schools for use in biology labs?
178. been required to bring in roadkill for your biology lab?
179. dissected roadkill for the fun of it with a few friends?
180. dissected roadkill for the fun of it with a few friends, while SOBER?
181. dissected two or more pieces of roadkill of different species and then
created new and wonderful species with the parts? (all respects to Gary
Larson-- but no money)
182. attempted to transplant parts from roadkill to live animals?
183. succeeded?
184. attempted to transplant parts from roadkill to live humans?
185. succeeded?
186. gotten national press coverage for it?
187. sold the rights to the mini-series of it? (authors want their cut-- see
prologue)
188. dissected roadkill and saved just your "favorite parts"? (see roadkill
and sex)
189. made and sold lucky rabbit's feet from roadkill, not all of it rabbits?
190. made and sold lucky armadillo's feet from roadkill, not all of it
natural?
191. used parts of roadkill to repair your vehicle on a lonely highway?
(authors find that ligaments make great fanbelts)
192. used roadkill as decoration on your car? (bucks on the fender count, but
only if it's actually roadkill)
193. purposely attached roadkill to your bumper and drove around scaring old
women?
194. purposely attached old women to your bumper and drove around scaring
roadkill?
195. used roadkill as part of a Mob (organized crime) "warning"?
196. wrapped up a piece of roadkill as a present and sent it to a former
lover?
197. signed said present with his/her present lover's name?
198. taken home roadkill to show it to your mother?
199. taken home roadkill to show it to your lover?
200. been complimented on it by either?
201. hidden a speaker in a piece of roadkill and had it make noises if anyone
approached? (bark, meow, etc)
202. secreted electronics in a "particularly good" piece of roadkill so as to
be able to make it move as if of its own volition?
203. used roadkill as a hand puppet? (yes, actually INSERTING your hand
and...)
204. used roadkill as equipment in an organized sport? (Cat sailing,
Armadillo football, "the cat's second base", etc)
205. taken a photo of domestic pet roadkill and made up posters with the photo
saying "Found: please call..."
206. returned domestic pet roadkill to its former owner?
207. returned domestic pet roadkill to its former owner and demanded the
reward?
208. taken roadkill to a vet just to watch him/her squirm as they try to
explain to you that it's already dead?
209. sold roadkill to a child for a pet, claiming "it's just sleeping..."?
210. purposely thrown your pets favorite toy into the street in hopes it would
become roadkill?
211. thrown your pets favorite toy into the street, hopped in your car and...?
212. done the above so you could have sex with your unwilling pet as roadkill?
213. constructed art from roadkill?
214. had fans bring you roadkill so that you could make it into art for them?
215. received federal grants to support your production of roadkill art?
216. gone to a costume party as roadkill?
217. held a "come as your favorite piece of roadkill" party?
218. won the costume judging contest because you used an actual piece of
roadkill to construct your costume?
219. had a roadkill fight? (similar to food-fight, but...)
220. moved roadkill so that it was in the line of tires of oncoming vehicles?
221. taken bets on how far a piece of roadkill will get knocked by a vehicle?
222. fixed said bets by nailing roadkill down?
223. constructed fake roadkill out of an old pillow and turkey gizzards just
to
see how many people would bother trying to avoid it?
224. ever swerved to purposely hit roadkill?
225. ever swerve to purposely MAKE NEW roadkill?
226. constructed clothing from the hides/pelts of roadkill?
227. sold said clothing?
228. won awards for said clothing?
229. been harassed by animal rights activist for wearing said clothing?
230. constructed clothing from animal rights activist?
231. sent a picture of a "particularly good" piece of roadkill to Late Night
with David Letterman in the hopes that Dave would call you an "incredible
sicko" on national television?
232. repeatedly done the above with the same roadkill?
_____________________________________________________________________________
I. Scoring
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a sheet of paper containing
lots of itty-bitty answers to the Roadkill Purity Test. Sworn to excellence of
workmanship, we now give you directions on how to calculate your Roadkill
Purity score. There are several methods; the calculator method works best.
Also good is the a la mainframe method. (A DECsystem-2060 works great as a
PC.)
Scoring method: Count "yes" answers.
Subtract that number from 232.
Divide the result by 232.
Multiply the result by 100.
The result is your percentage purity.
The higher the number, the more pure you are; in the same vein, the lower the
score, the more of a sick puppy you are.
For your reference, we include calculator directions:
For people with real calculators (HP):
<# of NO answers> [ENTER] 232 / 100 *
For people with other (dinky) calculators:
<# of NO answers> / 232 = X 100 =
_______________________________________________________________________________
II. Warranty Information
We hope that you have enjoyed this test. It does not come with a warranty, nor
does it guarantee that it will get you your own roadkill or make you somehow
somewhat better with roadkill, the making of roadkill, or the lamination of
roadkill.
The makers of this test are not responsible for any liabilities or damages
resulting from this test, including but not limited to mental derangement
suits. Ask your doctor or psychologist.
Do not dissect roadkill test; no user serviceable parts inside, but the
roadkill
might have a few.
Propagate this test and roadkill at will, even without the written permission
of the publisher or the owner; just don't edit, change, or waste it. In
reproducing this test, the authors of this test may exercise droit de seigneur
over you, your immediate family, fiance, or pet. You may or may not have
additional rights which may vary from state to state.
Not recommended for children under twelve, or pets over 400 pounds. Parental
guidance discouraged. Pencils, additional paper, batteries, and the Beginner
Roadkill Set (available through GrinchCo, College Station, TX, 77840) not
included. Some assembly or preservation may be required. Does not come with
any other figures.
______________________________________________________________________________
Drive carefully; roadkill missed is roadkill wasted.
The above is a public service announcement of this institution, and
ForumDammit.
_______________________________________________________________________________
With a Slip of the Tongue
---- The Cunning Linguist
It's fun to eat out.
"I take bad girls, and turn them around."
english.36dejanr,
Accept no substitutes; this is the original and only Canonical Collection of
Light Bulb Jokes, from the original collector. This newest revision includes
additional jokes and an alphabetical format to reduce duplicate submissions.
Notes on the Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes
This file is the canonical collection of light bulb jokes, posted as
a public service to prevent a steady trickle of light bulb jokes, most
of which will be repeats. Light bulb jokes have a period of four to
six months between recurrences, and long-time news readers look forward
with dread to each new round of the same old jokes. 90% of these jokes
have been in the collection since 1984.
It is possible to construct infinite small variations by substituting
particular ethnic groups into these jokes, or by expanding certain jokes
into seventy line monsters. I have resisted this impulse.
Of course you may substitute any ethnic group for '<ethnic>'. I feel
it would be inappropriate for me to pick on a single ethnic group when
there are so many and when I don't know your personal prejudices.
The WASPs in the following jokes are `White Anglo-Saxon Protestants' and
are assumed to represent any upper-middle class, loose-lifestyle people.
In Seattle, these are 'Mercer Islander' jokes. In California, they are
'Marin County' jokes, and so on. Some of these jokes are also told as
'Jewish American Princess' jokes.
!WARNING! This file contains material of a satirical nature. It may be
offensive to members of the following groups:
Californians Oregonians New Yorkers New Jersey-ians
Poles Russians <ethnics> (Space) Aliens
Politicians Communists Capitalists Conservatives
Pro-lifers Feminists Homosexuals Junkies
Parents Babies Students Frat rats
Athletes Artists Writers Performers
various scientists Professors Mathematicians Engineers
Field Service folks Software folks Hardware folks Marketing folks
Doctors Lawyers Accountants all managers
Economists Soldiers WASPs various animals
Christians Jews Buddhists God(s)
Necrophiliacs Philosophers Poets Police officers
and by now many others who are no doubt offended to have been left off
this list. The last time I looked there were 128 jokes in this file.
Thanks to unicads!les for the generating function for light bulb jokes:
Q: How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take
to perform a particular menial activity?
A: A finite positive integer F. One to perform the activity, and the
rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnic group.
If F<2 then the joke has little hope of being funny.
----- The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes -----
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: How many <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
Q': How many strong <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A': 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
Q": How many <ethnic> gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A": Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There's a primitive for that.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?
A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.
Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
of license fee (binary only).
A': Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually
drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
A": Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one
of their subordinates to actually change it.
Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends whether the switch is on or off.
Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.
Meanwhile...
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.
Q: How many bureaucrats/civil servants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other
screws the bulb into the water faucet.
A': 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if
you knew how many.
Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate
to the experience.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to
go back on.
Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me."
(Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In.")
Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the
previous bulb.
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
A': We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: To get to the other side.
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One.
Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A': None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
A": None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw
itself in.
Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace
a light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.
Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones
to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices
that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't
see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency
stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a
light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red
shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are
promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party
is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship
approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.
Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as
a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs
they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the
planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted,
and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
Note: There are versions for every popular TV show. This was among the first.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out
toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Thats not funny!!!
Q': How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A': It's "Radcliffe Women" and it's not funny!
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about
how good the old light bulb was.
Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
A': Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.
A": None. Frat boys screw in puddles of vomit.
Q: How many FSE's does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: Who can tell. FSE's are always in the dark.
A': 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
Q': How long will it take?
A:' That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've
brought with them.
Q": What if you have *two* dead bulbs?
A": They replace your fuse box.
Note: FSE's are "Field Service Engineers".
Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous."
Q: How many gay rights activists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. "The light bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it."
Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to
get it done.
Q: How many hackers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But, hackers don't turn on the lights.
Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a software problem.
A': None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
A': It only takes one to change your bulb...to his.
A": Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to
really screw a bulb...
Q: How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw it and two to talk about how much better it
is than with a man.
Q: How many Libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone
might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark.
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
A' None. Mac users dont screw, they just point and click at the
genital icon.
Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends on what you want to change it into.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
A': One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the
problem to an earlier joke.
A": One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the
problem to an earlier joke.
A'": In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the
problem to an earlier joke...
In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician
can change a light bulb.
If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply
watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the
light bulb.
Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers,
n mathematicians can change a light bulb.
Bibliography:
[1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, "Re: YALBJ", 1986
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change
light bulbs too.
Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
A': Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen
in on the guest list. See also "How many junkies..."
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to
give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
A': Only one. Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with
your finger while I go get a new bulb?"
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the
third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
A': 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There is nothing to change.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the
Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
A': Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear
power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes
on strike!
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
out from under him.
Q: How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was
lit from the moment they began screwing.
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ---- You should have hit "n"!
Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A:: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
A:: None of your damn business!
Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to
do it.
Q: How many (Chinese) Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you
to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct
the ship out of disgrace."
(Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They
consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)
Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of
production!
Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Thats a hardware problem.
A': One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
A": Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb
being changed.
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and
sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
Q: How many surgeons does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.
Q: How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10%
of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank",
and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:...... consists
of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
A': Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
Q: How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Televangelists screw in motels.
Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.
Note: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
Q: How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't need to, they glow in the dark.
Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
A': None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Q": How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A": Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
Q: How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
Q: How many people does it take to change a one WATT bulb??
A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest.
A': Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A": One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen
answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
A'":None. Zen masters carry their own light.
english.37dejanr,
From: whitehrc@ingr.com (Robert C. Whitehead)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Wanted:Sorority Girls Joke list
THE CANONICAL LIST OF SORORITY GIRL JOKES
1. Q: What do you say to a sorority girl that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
2. Q: Why does a sorority girl wear underwear?
A: To keep her ankles warm.
3. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a Rolls Royce?
A: Not everybody has been in a Rolls Royce.
4. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.
5. Q: What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her look more
attractive?
A: Her ankles.
6. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
A1: You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: You could eat a bowling ball if you had to.
A3: You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball.
A4: There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes
to poke.
7. Q: How are a bowling ball and a sorority girl alike?
A: You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them
in the gutter and they'll always come back.
8. Q: What is the difference between a sorority girls and hookers?
A: Sorority girls cost less per score.
9. Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
A: About 40 pounds.
Q2: How do you equalize the two?
A2: Feed the elephant.
10. Q: What is the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
A1: Introduces herself.
A2: Walks home.
11. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic?
A: Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.
12. Q: How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
A: She drops her nail file.
13. Q: What's a sorority girls favorite wine?
A: "Daaaaaaady, I want to go to Mi-ammmmmmi."
14. Q: What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?
A: Don't know. There's only so much an ape can be forced to do.
15. Q: Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
A: 'Cause everybody gets a turn.
16. Q: How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?
A: Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door, and throw a
twinkie on the bed.
17. Q: Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
A: You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
18. Q: What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
A: Garbage gets taken out once a week.
19. Q: What do you call a 100 sorority girls bathing on a beach in Cuba?
A: Bay of Pigs.
20. Q: What do you call a sorority girl hang-gliding festival?
A: Multiple total eclipses.
21. Q: What is a sorority girls mating call?
A: "I'm sooooooo drunk, I'm sooooooo drunk."
22. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a dog?
A: Driver's will swerve to miss the dog.
23. Q: How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: 1, she holds on to it, and the world revolves around her.
A2: 2, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daddy.
A3: 6, one to screw it in, and five to make T-shirts.
A4: 7, one to change it, and six to go out and buy more Diet Pepsi.
A5: 65, one to change it, and 64 to sing and clap.
24. Q: Why is a sorority girl like railroad tracks?
A: 'Cause she's been laid all over the country.
25. Q: What three words will a sorority girl never hear?
A: "Attention K-mart shoppers."
26. Q: Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?
A: So she can fantasize about shopping.
27. Q: What is a sorority girls favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
28. Q: What's the difference between sorority girls and Jell-o?
A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
29. Q: What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed?
A1: Lake Placid.
A2: The Dead Sea.
30. Q: How do you know when a sorority girl is a nymphomaniac?
A: She'll make love the same day she had her hair done.
31. Q: What's a sorority girl's idea of natural childbirth?
A: No make-up.
32. Q: How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
A: Marry her.
33. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
34. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.
35. Q: What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
A: A circus is a cunning array of stunts.
36. Q: How is a sorority girl like a vacuum?
A: They both suck.
Q2: How are they different?
A1: You can buy a new vacuum when you get sick of it.
A2: You can buy a new vacuum when it no longer sucks.
A3: When a vacuum cleaner is full of shit, it's easy to dump the old bag.
A4: A vacuum cleaner can't suck a golf ball through a garden hose.
A5: A vacuum cleaner can't suck start a Harley.
37. Q: How do you get four sorority girls on one chair?
A1: Tell them there is a rich guy sitting in it.
A2: Turn the chair over, and put one on each leg.
38. Q: What's the difference between a sorority track team and a tribe of
sly pygmies?
A: The tribe of sly pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
39. Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and sorority girls have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
40. Q: What does a sorority girl make for dinner?
A: Reservations.
41. Q: Why does a sorority girl wear a gold diaphragm?
A: So her boyfriend will think he's coming into money.
42. Q: What did the sorority girl say when she knocked over the priceless
Ming vase?
A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
43. Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a
sorority girl?
A: A prostitute says, "Are you done yet?", a nymphomaniac says, "You're
done already?", and a sorority girl says, "Beige... I think I'll
paint the ceiling beige."
44. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a
sorority girl says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
45. Q: What do you call 24 sorority girls walking down the street?
A: A case of Schlitz.
46. Q: What is foreplay for a sorority girl?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.
47. Q: How does a sorority girl commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
Misc: 1. Tri-delts. I'm sure everyone else has.
2. If your date won't; Tri-delts.
3. Once you've tried everything else; Tri-delts.
__________ __________
\ //\\ /
\ // \\ /
\ // \\ /
\ // \\ /
\//________\\/ Tri-delts: Two out of three go down.
english.38dejanr,
From: whitehrc@ingr.com (Robert C. Whitehead)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Lawyer Jokes Needed!
Q & A form jokes
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to
cluck defiance.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
----
Longer Jokes:
----
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run
those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed
voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
-----
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain
offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for <other generic profession> brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
-----
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do
all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.
Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his
son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a
thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
-----
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were
thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the
long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then
St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands
and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair
by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so
special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for
which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about
193 years old!"
----
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city
subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury
was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice,
"Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20
more of them."
-----
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred
it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
thief go first, and the executioner follow."
-----
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented
money there has been only one answer to that question."
----------
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.
After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective
professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly
station.
After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides
to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome,
Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a
huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete
announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until
the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting
a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!".
They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below
begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a
street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on
the left as the Pope's new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the
pontiff his best.
The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's
the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and
I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?" Pete looks
at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow, this street
is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and
religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your
dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first
(non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
-----
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long
trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back
to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that
dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you
want to have him arrested for ?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay
his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
-----
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man
of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
-----
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a
jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the
hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a
dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed
the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10
minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury
went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home,
and everyone waited.
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and
sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the
verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they
got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still
doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
------
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?",
someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
----------
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's
grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the
little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
-----
The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at
least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
----
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to
cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says
"Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon
descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't
tell where we are, let's ask that guy on the ground". So Harry
yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And
the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet
up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must
be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says
"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
useless".
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still
worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink,
and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists
Soaked by Lawyer".
----
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed
an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an
exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn,
then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we
sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better
to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
-----
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think
you're going to find a lawyer?"
-----
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
----------
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.
However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
-----
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously,
"can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
-----
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to
another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to
lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more
plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to
them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However,
sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."
----
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the
country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each
summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no,
that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place,
which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to
stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed.
Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in
the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his
Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their
morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering
blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came
two huge Bears - a male and a female.
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His
friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he
could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his
shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure
enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while
visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He
just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye,
leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"What did you do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who
told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
----------
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green
came over to see him.
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in
court when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer
Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr.
Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it
when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an
Excedrin headache?'
Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making
a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken
sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
"Then get me another doctor."
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that
after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office.
This is the only place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally
appeal your case to a higher court."
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for
a kidney stone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by
looking at him."
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when
you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize
into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher
of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going
to be in a lot of pain.' "
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my
ounce of Demerol?"
"I better check you out first."
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't
do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
"What for?"
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued
and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
"I'm not going to sue you."
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ
after you pass the kidney stone?"
----------
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the best Vodka out of his pack; pours
some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best
vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good
as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that
we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and
throw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and
begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the
world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good
cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them
away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window.
One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and
throws the Lawyer through it...
--------
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop
and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog
running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a
right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The
lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from
me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50
[attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher
hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].
Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that
would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an
envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
----------
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light
bulb.
A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're
looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and
forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second
part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a
result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e.,
the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area
ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway,
terminating at an area just inside the primary living area,
demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover
illumination being at the option of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement
between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited
to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or
any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
in a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the
option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal
statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party
of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning
installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb").
This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the
reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same
document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a
clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized
by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue
for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
--------
WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
**********************************************************************
1300.01 GENERAL
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may
harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The
use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If
accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to
nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free
Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,
ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a
felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident
victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting
attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
7. Cut-throat 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7
------------------------- cut here and insert in wallet --------------------
Ben Dover
And
C. Howlett Fields
Attorneys At Law
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is
listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew
they were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all
these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life
also." St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you
gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to
the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his
face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him
and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
----------------------------------------------------
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule
what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard
to get back on your feet.
----------------------------------------------------
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands
in his own pockets.
----------------------------------------------------
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
"Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
'gator."
----------------------------------------------------
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow.
One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
----------------------------------------------------
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ----
It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
----------
Legal business card:
Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe
Attorneys at Law
----------
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
...Benjamin Franklin.
----------
Q: what do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start! (From the movie War of the Roses)
Q: Why should scientists use lawyers instead of white mice?
A: 1) The lab technicians do not get as attached to the lawyers as they
do white mice.
2) There is not as much public outrage over the use of lawyers in lab
experiments.
3) The lawyers are willing to do things that the white mice wouldn't.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A man was standing in front of a judge
Man: Your honor, we did not gambling with money, we just played with chips.
Judge: Chips is like money therefore you were gambling. Fine $300.00
So the man took 3 red chips out of his pocket, and gave them to the judge.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call a dog out in the rain?
A. A Soggie Doggie
Q. What do you call a dog that licks alot?
A. A Smoochie poochie
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Two farmers were talking about an upcoming election. The first farmer said
"Say, your six boys all grew up to be good Democrats didn't they?". The second
farmer replied "All except Jake, he learned to read"
----------------------------------------------------
What's the proper name for this molecule?
Fe
Fe ! Fe
\ ! /
Fe -- Fe -- Fe
/ ! \
Fe ! Fe
Fe
A Ferrous wheel.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call eight rabbits all in a row, hopping backwards?
A receding hareline!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The armed forces are a gold mine on aviation anecdotes. Have
you heard this one? An F-4 was flying escort with a B-52 and
generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around
the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was,
"Cnything you can do, I can do better." Not to be outdone, the
bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.
Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"
"We just shut down two engines."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
There was this hijacker so dumb that he demanded four hostages and a gun.
----------------------------------------------------
Seems a fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire
department from the near-by town was called to put the fire out. The fire
proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle. Someone
suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. And though there
was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They
drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames.
The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying
water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire,
breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work, and
so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he
presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department
planned to do with the funds.
"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do
is get the brakes fixed on that damned fire truck."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
According to a recent government publication ...
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Abby,
I have two brothers, one works at IBM, the other was sentenced to death in
the gas chamber. My mother died of insanity when I was three years old,
my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells narcotics.
Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served
time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love this girl and
want to marry her.
My problem is this:
Shall I tell her about my brother who works at IBM.
Sincerely,
Fred
----------------------------------------------------
english.39dejanr,
[žisto da znate - ima da vas mučim ovim tupavim američkim vicevima
(kakav je to narod kad se ovome smeje) sve dok se i vi malo ne
aktivirate i ne počnete da šaljete nešto sočno domaće :) ]
==========================
chatter/comic #48, from jfleming, 818 chars, Sun Aug 26 10:08:59 1990
--------------------------
TITLE: This man walks into a bar ...
late at night. There's nobody in the bar but the bartender and a
woman. She's pretty but skimpily dressed, with a little too much
makeup, and a little too much cheap jewelry. He sits down a few
seats from her and orders a drink. When the bartender brings the
drink, the man quietly asks him "She a working girl?"
"Yup."
So he turns to the girl and asks "Ya workin' now?"
"Yeah, but I'm not gonna be here much longer. Make up your
mind."
"What's the tab?"
"200 bucks, and I'll do anything you can describe in three
words."
He thought about that for a moment.
"OK, you're on."
"Money up front."
"Here's the $200".
"Well, what's it gonna be?"
He paused for a moment, then said
"Paint my house!"
english.40djovicevic,
From ssdesai@elbereth.rutgers.edu Mon Aug 7 15:11:10 1989
From: ssdesai@elbereth.rutgers.edu (Sunil S. Desai)
Subject: Murphy's Laws on Sex
MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX
--------------------
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is
to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it,
because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount
of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've
got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to
get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops
listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the
same ones she can't stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you
won't either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for
crop failure.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that
caused the trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot
of frogs.
28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse
than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
30. Love is a hole in the heart.
31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone
into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on
the moon.
32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
33. Do it only with the best.
34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned
four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine
women.
37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at
all.
39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the
women he couldn't.
44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but t({&Ë^->űmagic in
the stick.
45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
46. Never say no.
47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
52. Love comes in spurts.
53. The world does not revolve on an axis.
54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other
eight are unimportant.
55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they
fall in love.
58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
60. "This won't hurt, I promise."
ű
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to
funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply,
mailers willing.
űI reply to all submissions, but about 20% of the replies bounce.
english.41djovicevic,
PRIMER FOR HOMEOWNERS: THE ELECTRICAL SYSTEM
--------------------------------------------
The most important thing to find out about the
electrical system is whether it cointains enough "volts", which
are little tiny pieces of electricity shaped like arrows so you
can tell which direction they're moving ...
The standard measurement for volts is "amps", also
called "watts", which travel around in what is called a
"circuit" .
A typical circuit works as follows:
At the electrical company, fuel oil is burned to set
fire to a generator, which gives off electrical energy in the
form of sparks, which are put into wires and sent to your home,
where the electricity waits in the wall until you turn on your
toaster, at which point it rushes through the wire abd into the
English muffin and from there into your stomach, where it
remains until a cool, dry day when you are walking down a hall
scuffing your feet on a carpet and you go to open a door,
causing the electricity to leap into the doorknob, where it
remains forever, building up over time to tremendously high
levels, which os why scientists are now concerned that some
unscrupulous entity such as Libya or God forbid an adolescent
male ever figures how to release this power, he could, using
only the latent doo´krknob energy contained in a singleolder
ranch-style home, vaporize Oregon.
But your immediate concern, as a potential buyer, is
making sure that the house has the right number of volts .
Following is a chart depicting the most popular voltages
currently available in the housing market:
POPULAR HOME VOLTAGES
ű 120
220
9*
* Requires 9-volt battery
(not included)
Which voltage is right for you? This, more than
anything else, is a matter of taste; and like most matters of
personal taste, it is best left in the hands of a qualified
interior designer.
(Primary source of text: "Homes and Other Black Holes", by Dave
Barry and Jeff MacNelly, Random House, New York, 1988)
english.42djovicevic,
Article 2172 of eunet.jokes:
Path: santra!tut!draken!kth!mcvax!hp4nl!mcvax!ukc!mucs!liv-cs!zanussi
From: zanussi@mva.cs.liv.ac.uk
Newsgroups: eunet.jokes
Subject: Re: Murphy's computer laws
Message-ID: <2809@mva.cs.liv.ac.uk>
Date: 15 Mar 89 14:15:22 GMT
Organization: Computer Science CSMVAX, Liverpool University
Lines: 235
As requested, Murphy's Laws, etc. :-
MURPHY'S LAWS AND OTHER OBSERVATIONS
MURPHY'S LAWS
1. IF ANYTHING CAN GO WRONG, IT WILL.
2. IF THERE IS A POSSIBILITY OF SEVERAL THINGS GOING WRONG, THE ONE
THAT
WILL CAUSE THE MOST DAMAGE WILL BE THE FIRST ONE TO GO WRONG.
3. IF ANYTHING JUST CANNOT GO WRONG, IT WILL ANYWAY.
4. IF YOU PERCEIVE THAT THERE ARE FOUR POSSIBLE WAYS IN WHICH
SOMETHING
CAN GO WRONG, AND CIRCUMVENT THESE, THEN A FIFTH WAY, UNPREPARED
FOR,
WILL PROMPTLY DEVELOP.
5. LEFT TO THEMSELVES, THINGS TEND TO GO FROM BAD TO WORSE.
6. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY
OVERLOOKED
SOMETHING.
7. NATURE ALWAYS SIDES WITH THE HIDDEN FLAW.
8. MOTHER NATURE IS A BITCH.
O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY'S LAWS
MURPHY WAS AN OPTIMIST.
GINSBERG'S THEOREMS
1. YOU CAN'T WIN.
2. YOU CAN'T BREAK EVEN.
3. YOU CAN'T EVEN QUIT THE GAME.
FORSYTH'S SECOND COROLLARY TO MURPHY'S LAWS
JUST WHEN YOU SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, THE ROOF CAVES
IN.
WEILER'S LAW
NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR THE MAN WHO DOESN'T HAVE TO DO IT HIMSELF.
THE LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING
1. ANY GIVEN PROGRAM, WHEN RUNNING, IS OBSOLETE.
2. ANY GIVEN PROGRAM COSTS MORE AND TAKES LONGER EACH TIME IT IS
RUN.
3. IF A PROGRAM IS USEFUL, IT WILL HAVE TO BE CHANGED.
4. IF A PROGRAM IS USELESS, IT WILL HAVE TO BE DOCUMENTED.
5. ANY GIVEN PROGRAM WILL EXPAND TO FILL ALL THE AVAILABLE MEMORY.
6. THE VALUE OF A PROGRAM IS INVERSELY PROPORTIONAL TO THE WEIGHT OF
ITS OUTPUT.
7. PROGRAM COMPLEXITY GROWS UNTIL IT EXCEEDS THE CAPABILITY OF THE
PROGRAMMER WHO MUST MAINTAIN IT.
PIERCE'S LAW
IN ANY COMPUTER SYSTEM, THE MACHINE WILL ALWAYS MISINTERPRET, MI-
CONSTRUE, MISPRINT, OR NOT EVALUATE ANY MATH OR SUBROUTINES OR
FAIL TO PRINT ANY OUTPUT ON AT LEAST THE FIRST RUN THROUGH.
COROLLARY TO PIERCE'S LAW
WHEN A COMPILER ACCEPTS A PROGRAM WITHOUT ERROR ON THE FIRST
RUN, THE PROGRAM WILL NOT YIELD THE DESIRED OUTPUT.
ADDITION TO MURPHY'S LAWS
IN NATURE, NOTHING IS EVER RIGHT. THEREFORE, IF EVERYTHING IS
GOING RIGHT... SOMETHING IS WRONG.
BROOK'S LAW
IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, TRANSFORM YOUR DATA SET!
GROSCH'S LAW
COMPUTING POWER INCREASES AS THE SQUARE OF THE COST.
GOLUB'S LAWS OF COMPUTERDOM
1. FUZZY PROJECT OBJECTIVES ARE USED TO AVOID EMBARRASSMENT OF
ESTIMATING THE CORRESPONDING COSTS.
2. A CARELESSLY PLANNED PROJECT TAKES THREE LONGER TO COMPLETE
THAN EXPECTED; A CAREFULLY PLANNED PROJECT TAKES ONLY TWICE
AS LONG.
3. THE EFFORT REQUIRED TO CORRECT COURSE INCREASES
GEOMETRICALLY WITH TIME.
4. PROJECT TEAMS DETEST WEEKLY PROGRESS REPORTING BECAUSE IT SO
VIVIDLY MANIFESTS THEIR LACK OF PROGRESS.
OSBORN'S LAW
VARIABLES WON'T; CONSTANTS AREN'T.
GILB'S LAWS OF UNRELIABILITY
1. COMPUTERS ARE UNRELIABLE, BUT HUMANS ARE EVEN MORE UNRELIABLE.
2. ANY SYSTEM THAT DEPENDS UPON HUMAN RELIABILITY IS UNRELIABLE.
3. UNDETECTABLE ERRORS ARE INFINITE IN VARIETY, IN CONTRAST TO
DETECT-
ABLE ERRORS, WHICH BY DEFINITION ARE LIMITED.
4. INVESTMENT IN RELIABILITY WILL INCREASE UNTIL IT EXCEEDS THE
PROB-
ABLE COST OF ERRORS, OR UNTIL SOMEONE INSISTS ON GETTING SOME
USEFUL
WORK DONE.
LUBARSKY'S LAW OF CYBERNETIC ENTOMOLOGY
THERE'S ALWAYS ONE MORE BUG.
TROUTMAN'S POSTULATES
1. PROFANITY IS THE ONE LANGUAGE UNDERSTOOD BY ALL PROGRAMMERS.
2. NOT UNTIL A PROGRAM HAS BEEN IN PRODUCTION FOR SIX MONTHS WILL
WILL THE MOST HARMFUL ERROR BE DISCOVERED.
3. JOB CONTROL CARDS THAT POSITIVELY CANNOT BE ARRANGED IN IMPROPER
ORDER WILL BE.
4. INTERCHANGEABLE TAPES WON'T.
5. IF THE INPUT EDITOR HAS BEEN DESIGNED TO REJECT ALL BAD INPUT,
AN INGENIOUS IDIOT WILL DISCOVER A METHOD TO GET BAD DATA PAST
IT.
6. IF A TEST INSTALLATION FUNCTIONS PERFECTLY, ALL SUBSEQUENT
SYSTEMS
WILL MALFUNCTION.
WEINBERG'S SECOND LAW
IF BUILDERS BUILT BUILDINGS THE WAY PROGRAMMERS WROTE PROGRAMS,
THEN THE FIRST WOODPECKER THAT CAME ALONG WOULD
DESTROY CIVILIZATION.
GUMPERSON'S LAW
THE PROBABILITY OF ANYTHING HAPPENING IS IN INVERSE RATIO TO ITS
DESIRABILITY.
GUMMIDGE'S LAW
THE AMOUNT OF EXPERTISE VARIES IN INVERSE RATIO TO THE NUMBER OF
STATEMENTS UNDERSTOOD BY THE GENERAL PUBLIC.
ZYMURGY'S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING SYSTEM DYNAMICS
ONCE YOU OPEN A CAN OF WORMS, THE ONLY WAY TO RECAN THEM IS TO USE
A LARGER CAN (OLD WORMS NEVER DIE, THEY JUST WORM THEIR WAY INTO
LARGER CANS).
HARVARD'S LAW, AS APPLIED TO COMPUTERS
UNDER THE MOST RIGOROUSLY CONTROLLED CONDITIONS OF PRESSURE,
TEMPERATURE, VOLUME, HUMIDITY AND OTHER VARIABLES, THE COMPUTER
WILL DO AS IT DAMN WELL PLEASES.
SATTINGER'S LAW
IT WORKS BETTER IF YOU PLUG IT IN.
JENKINSON'S LAW
IT WON'T WORK.
HORNER'S FIVE THUMB POSTULATE
EXPERIENCE VARIES DIRECTLY WITH EQUIPMENT RUINED.
CHEOP'S LAW
NOTHING EVER GETS BUILD ON SCHEDULE OR WITHIN BUDGET.
RULE OF ACCURACY
WHEN WORKING TOWARD THE SOLUTION OF A PROBLEM, IT ALWAYS HELPS IF
YOU KNOW THE ANSWER.
ZYMURG'S SEVENTH EXCEPTION TO MURPHY'S LAW
WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS
PUDDER'S LAWS
1. ANYTHING THAT BEGINS WELL ENDS BADLY
2. ANYTHING THAT BEGINS BADLY ENDS WORSE.
WESTHEIMER'S RULE
TO ESTIMATE THE TIME IT TAKES TO DO A TASK: ESTIMATE THE TIME YOU
THINK IT SHOULD TAKE, MULTIPLY BY TWO AND CHANGE THE UNIT OF MEASURE
TO THE NEXT HIGHEST UNIT. THUS, WE ALLOCATE TWO DAYS FOR A ONE HOUR
TASK.
STOCKMAYER'S THEOREM
IF IT LOOKS EASY, IT'S TOUGH. IF IT LOOKS TOUGH, IT'S DAMN NEAR
IMPOS-
SIBLE.
ATWOODS COROLLARY
NO BOOKS ARE LOST BY LENDING EXCEPT THOSE YOU PARTICULARLY WANTED TO
KEEP.
JOHHNSON'S THIRD LAW
IF YOU MISS ONE ISSUE OF ANY MAGAZINE, IT WILL BE THE ISSUE THAT
CON-
TAINS THE ARTICLE, STORY OR INSTALLMENT YOU WERE MOST ANXIOUS TO
READ.
COROLLARY TO JOHNSON'S THIRD LAW
ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS EITHER MISSED IT, LOST IT OR THREW IT OUT.
HARPER'S MAGAZINE LAW
YOU NEVER FIND THE ARTICLE UNTIL YOU REPLACE IT.
BROOKE'S LAW
ADDING MANPOWER TO A LATE SOFTWARE MAKES IT LATER.
english.43dejanr,
From: fmgst@unix.cis.pitt.edu (Filip Gieszczykiewicz)
Greetings.
Q: How do you double the value and weight of a Yugo?
A: You fill the gas tank!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: trebor@biar.UUCP (Robert J Woodhead)
"You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and
on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is "We aren't
in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and
short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer
through another long answering machine message when you call me..."
(and an oldy...)
"Thankyou for calling Robert's House of Love. All of our customer
service representatives are, er.., busy servicing customers, so at the
sound of the erotic tone, leave your name, number, and a short description
of whatever turns you on..."
--+++++++++++++++++++++
From: ean@gvlv3.gvl.unisys.com (Ed Naratil)
Dear Mr. _________________,
This letter is being sent to you, for we know that you are critically
interested in your front yard.
This is a FERTILIZER CLUB and it will not cost a cent to you.
Upon receipt of this letter, go to the first address (#1) on the list
and shit on the lawn. You will not be the only one there, so don't be
embarrassed.
Then delete the first name and address, move the others up one, and
add your name to the bottom of the list. Then make five (5) copies
of this letter and send them to five of your friends who appreciate
a good lawn.
Your reward will come next summer when you will have the greatest lawn
in your neighborhood.
#1 Mrs. Harry Butt #2 Mr. Smelly B. Hind
236 Corn Cob Alley 2 Diarrhea Way
Pottstown, PA Chambersburg, PA
#3 Mrs. Lucy Bowels #4 Mr. O. Howie Farts
29 Bed Pan Court 272 Fertilizer Parkway
Pottsville, PA Bath, PA
#5 Mrs. Orval Crap #6 Mr. Z. Bigger Movement
1422 Enema Drive U-2 Rectum Road
Potts Grove, PA Pottsboro, TX
#7 Mrs. Chas. Syringe #8 Mr. Took A. Leak
2 Suppositor Lane 742 Running Loose Lane
Whistle Britches, PA Potterville, MI
If you are constipated, please pass this along to your neighbor.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN! One man didn't give a shit and lost his entire
lawn. Don't let this happen to you. This letter is sent by a friend
who DOES GIVE A SHIT!
+++++++++++++++++++++++
From: sarwate@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu
Subject: Funny lawyer joke
A lawyer suspected his wife of cheating on him, so one day at the office, he
decided to call home to find out. The maid answered his call.
"Are you the new maid my wife hired?" he asked
The maid responded in the affirmative.
"Good. I want you to go and see what my wife is doing."
The maid goes, comes back to the phone, and says that his wife
is playing hide-the-salami in the bedroom with the chauffeur.
"Damn. I knew it. Okay, listen carefully. I want you to take the
gun the top drawer of my desk, and shoot my wife and that scum-sucking
chauffeur. I'm one of the best criminal lawyers in the country, and I'll
be able to clear you of all charges, plus I'll pay you $25,000."
The maid says ok, goes off, and in the distance, the lawyer hears
two shots go off. The maid returns to the phone, saying the deed has been done.
"Excellent. Now, go and dump the bodies in the swimming pool."
"What swimming pool?"
"Isn't this 685-4728?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: shrum@eos.UUCP (Richard Barry Shrum)
Subject: not a leg...
Q: What does a man do on 2 legs, a dog on 3, and a woman sitting down?
(give up?)
A: Shake hands
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: cpdcoop4@mozart.amd.com (Cathy Svoboda-Takac)
Subject: flea joke
There's this flea, soaking up the rays on the beach in
Florida. Along comes his friend, dissheveled and all
messed up looking.
Says Flea#1: "What the hell happened to you?!"
Flea #2: "Got a ride down here in this biker's moustache.
Must've been tearing down that highway at 90 miles per!!"
Flea #1: "Well, don't worry. I'll tell you how to get down
here for next time. It'll be the easiest ride you ever had."
Next year. Same beach, same fleas:
Flea #1--laying on the beach, Flea #2 approaches with same
appearance as had last time:
"Hey, dude! I thought you were going to travel the way I
told you last year!"
Flea #2: "I tried! I tried! I did just like you told me:
Went into the women's restroom, jumped up on the toilet seat,
waited for somebody to sit down, nestled into her pussy hair
and was all set for the ride here. Next thing I know, there
I am in a biker's moustache, tearing down the highway at 90
miles per!!!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: krol@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu (Ed Krol)
Subject: 2 Golf Jokes
A couple had been married 50 years when they died together in an
auto accident and they played golf together every day of their married
life. When they got to heaven St. Peter was showing them around. Here
is your condo on the course, outside is a golf cart at your disposal
with a wet bar and cd player. In back are custom made clubs with
a supply of balls and tees. If you lose them new ones will appear.
You can play our courses day or night as much as you desire....
After the whole spiel the husband turns to the wife and says "I could
have been here 20 years ago if you hadn't been forcing those damned
oat bran muffins on me".
The follower of a TV evangelist who claimed to speak regularly with
god asked the minister if there was golf in heaven. The evangelist
did not know but said next time they conversed he would inquire. A
while later the evangelist came to his follower and said "I have good
news and bad news. The good news is there is golf in heaven, the bad
news is your tee time is next Wednesday."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: ean@gvlv3.gvl.unisys.com (Ed Naratil)
Subject: The Boss
When the body was first made - all parts wanted to be boss.
The Brain said: Since I control everything and do all the
thinking, I should be Boss.
The Feet said: Since I carry man where he wants to go and
get him in position to do what the Brain wants, I should be Boss.
The Hands said: Since I must do all the work and earn all
the money to keep the rest of you going, I
should be Boss.
The Eyes said: Since I must look out for all of you and tell
you where danger lurks, I should be Boss.
And so it went with the Heart and the Lungs. Finally the Asshole
spoke up and demanded to be Boss. All of the other parts laughed
at the idea of an Asshole being Boss.
The Asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused
to function. Soon the Brain was feverish, the Eyes crossed and
ached, the Feet were too weak to walk, the Hands hung limply at
the sides, and the Heart and Lungs struggled to keep going.
All pleaded with the Brain to let the Asshole be Boss and so it
happened. All the other parts did all the work and the Asshole
just Bossed and passed out a lot of shit.
THE MORAL: You don't have to be a Brain to be Boss,
just an ASSHOLE!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: mh@zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu (Michael Husman)
Subject: Fill in the punchline answers
>1. Why do they boil water when delivering a baby?
So that if it is born dead they can make soup.
>2. What's the difference between a girl's track team and some smart pygmies?
One is a bunch of cunning runts...(you can figure out the rest.)
>3. What's the difference between Jimmy Swaggart and a pickpocket?
One snatches watches...(same idea as #2).
>4. How is the military like a rubber?
They both give you the feeling of protection while you're getting fucked.
>5. Why did the <stupid ethnic> stop breast feeding her baby?
It hurt too much when she boiled her nipples.
Alternate: After two feedings she ran out of breasts.
>6. What is Mozart (or Beethoven or Brahms) doing now?
Decomposing.
>7. What is red and green and goes 500 mile per hour?
A frog in a blender.
>8. What do a <stupid ethnic> girl and a hockey player have in common?
They both wear their pads for three periods.
>9. How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In little knotsies (Nazis)
>10. What goes in dry,pink and hard, and comes out wet, pink and soft?
Bubble Gum.
>11. What's long, hard and has semen in it?
No, a submarine.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: mokry@ctr.columbia.edu (Robert Mokry)
Subject: Sometimes you feel like a nut.
The coworkers of a man decide to play a joke on him. When he arrives
in the morning, one of his friends says to him, "Are you OK? You look
terrible." After several people tell him the same thing throughout
the day, he gets worried, and even though he feels perfectly fine, he
goes to the doctor.
"Doctor, I feel good, but everyone tells me that I look terrible.
What's wrong with me?" the man asks.
The doctor opens one of his huge reference books and says, "Hmm, let's
see ... looks good, tastes terrible ... looks good, feels terrible ...
tastes good, looks terrible."
Finally the doctor says, "Well, the closest match to your symptoms
that I can find is 'tastes good, looks terrible'."
"Yes, I guess that's close enough," the man agrees.
"Well," says the doctor, "then you're a pistachio nut."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: ybarra@sunset.sedd.trw.com
Subject: Indian
A ranchy old Indian, just released from prison after a long stretch, went
straight to his favorite tavern to get shit-faced. He noticed a long-haired,
bearded, dirty biker sitting a few stools away. The Indian sat and stared
at the scruffy guy until the biker turned to him
and said, "Hey, redman, what the fuck are you staring at?"
The indian answered, "Twenty years ago I got put in the
slammer for fucking a buffalo. I thought you might be my son."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: 21329KAD@MSU.BITNET (Kim Dyer)
Subject: parachute joke
William F. Buckley, Donald Trump, The Pope an a hippy were all flyin
across the mountains in a small single engine plane. Suddenly the
pilot comes back and says "We've run out of fuel, we're going down,
and there are only four parachutes. This one is mine. Bye." He turns
and jumps out of the plane.
Donald Trump grabs one of the parachutes. "I'm the richest man in the
world ... I can't die like this. I'm taking one of the parachutes."
He turns and jumps out of the plane.
William F. Buckley grabs a parachute. "I'm the smartest man in the
world ... I can't die like this. I'm taking one of the parachutes."
He turns and jumps out of the plane.
The Pope looks at the hippy. "Listen Son," he says. "There's only
one parachute left, and I'm an old man. You have your life ahead of
you. Take the last parachute".
The hippy looks at the Pope. "Don't sweat it man. We're both saved.
The "smartest man in the world" just jumped with my backpack."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: SMTP%jeannie@scri1.scri.fsu.edu ("Jeannie Williford")
Subject: Re: Insult war
That's a pretty dress you have on, what did you do with the rest of the
table cloth?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: johnk@piave.jpl.nasa.gov (John Kerenyi)
Subject: Re: Insult war
First of all, the one above is better phrased as "I could have been your
dad, but the dog beat me over the fence." Just a minor point, but it
flows better.
Your mom's so big, they had to baptize her at Sea World.
Your mom's teeth are so yellow, her tongue has to wear sunglasses.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: ee5391aa@hydra.unm.edu (Duke McMullan n5gax)
Subject: Re: Insult war
Were you born stupid, or did you have to study? Anyone who thinks nature ab-
hors a vaccuum ought to take a look at you, you retarded planarian. Your brain
would sit on the edge of a razor blade like a BB on an eight-lane highway.
Look in the dictionary under "ugly," and there's a picture of you. You black-
water-drinking, wormcast-licking, festering, pestilential, pernicious, pi-
thecan parasite! May your food turn to camel dung in your mouth, may your
stools run surpassingly bloody for eighteen days, and may you thereafter
become the first victim of retroactive birth control. I excrete in your gen-
eral direction. I cast offal on the threshold of your house. I curse you
under cloud and under sky. Go hence to a swift and bitter death!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: tscott@plains.NoDak.edu (The Dwelf)
Subject: Offensive to the REALLY RELIGIOUS
Jesus Christ goes into this hotel, walks up to the hotel clerk, slaps
three iron nails on the desk and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: bls@u02.svl.cdc.com (Brian Scearce)
Subject: Another Prostitute joke
Another young man finds himself in the Big City (Corner Brook) and
starts looking for one of the world-renouned hookers he's heard so
much about. He finds one, and she asks him what he wants to do.
He's pretty inexperienced, so he asks her for a suggestion.
"Have you ever tried a 69?" she asks.
"No," he replies, "let's give that a go, then."
They enter a hotel room and assume the position. After a moment,
though, the young lady farts. The guy stops for a moment, then
resumes. A moment later, she farts again. He stops, looks at her,
then continues. She unfortunately lets off one more, and he stops
completely.
"Would it be possible for us to do somethin' else, lass?" he asks.
"Sure," she says, embarrassed.
"Good," he answers, "because I don't know if I could stand another
sixty-six of those."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: test@math13.math.umbc.edu
Subject: Joke
Here's another one along the line of nuns in a bathtub, the soap
wearing out, etc.
Q: What the difference between a nun in a church and
a nun in a bathtub?
A: The nun in the church has hope in her soul.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: erik@hpfcso.HP.COM (Erik Lode)
Subject: Kilt humor
A tourist wagon stops for a rest in Scotland, and a lady steps out to
walk around. She notices a Scotsman asleep under a tree and roams over
to where he is. She is curious about what Scotsmen wear underneath
their kilts, so she checks. He is wearing no underclothes. She feels
funny about looking under his kilt and leaving, so she takes off one
of the bluish ribbons from her hair and ties it around his penis. At
that point it's time to climb aboard the wagon again and drive off.
Sometime later the Scotsman awakens. He notices that something
feels a bit odd under his kilt, so he checks and sees the ribbon.
Then he smiles and says "I don't know where you've been, laddie,
but I'm glad you won first prize."
Three Scotswomen are walking home at night (they are neighbors) and
find a Scotsman passed out partially under a wagon. His upper body is
under the wagon, and they can't see who it is. However, they would
like to help him get home. The first woman looks under his kilt
and says "That's not my husband." The second woman looks under his
kilt and says "That's not my husband." The third woman looks under
his kilt and says "Why, he's not even from this village!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: JKC3@psuvm.psu.edu (Joe Cool)
Subject: the bear and the bunny joke
One day a bunny stopped in the woods to take a dump. While he was squatting
there a bear came up beside him and squatted and also started to take a dump.
After a few minutes of friendly conversation, the bear said,"Mr. bunny can I
ask you a personal question?" and the bunny said "sure Mr.bear" and the
bear asked," do You have any trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The
bunny replied, "Why, no Mr. Bear I don't."
With no hesitation, the bear quickly says "Great" and picks the bunny up
and wipes with him!
Ok, so it's an old joke, but I like it.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: cate3.osbunorth@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
Subject: Lots of old puns
In brief,
Roy Rogers gets a new pair of boots, but a mountain lion eats the
boots. To get even, Roy chases (insert colorful description as needed) and
kills (after long fight - to be described in vivid detail) the lion, and
returns carrying the lion back to camp. When he returns, Dale Evans
exclaims, "Pardon me, Roy. Is that the cat who chewed your new shoes."
----------------------------------------------------
There was once an agricultural extension of a community college that
was into growing big fruit. Now we're really talking big fruit here:
they grew blueberries the size of oranges and strawberries the size of
grapefruits. Not only were they big, but they were also the sweetest,
juiciest, most luscious fruit you've ever tasted. Realizing the
commercial value of such fruit, before attempting large scale
cultivation, they decided to insure these fruit. But in order to get
something insured, you need to have it valued for insurance purposes.
What do academics know about insurance anyway? So they look in the
phone book, and call the first entry: the Acme Insurance Valuation
Service. These two guys show up and they are pretty shady looking
characters; they're not wearing lab coats, they're wearing
trenchcoats! The guys from Acme pick up the fruit and start walking
out with it. The scientists are surprised and incensed, and ask "Are
you going to value them here, or give us a receipt, or what?" The two
guys from Acme reply "We have come to seize your berries, not to
appraise them."
----------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, in a far-off land, there was a kingdom
in which the king was fond of history and ancient things.
He would collect historical objects, dress in royal threads
from bygone eras, and generally try to live ancient traditions.
One day the king issued a royal proclamation, as kings are
wont to do now and then. Of course, he wrote the proclamation
in the language of 200 years ago, rich in antiquated spellings,
obsolete words, now-defunct verb forms, etc.
The general population, of course, could make neither head nor
tail of the proclamation. A vast legal muddle ensued. The
courts, called upon to untangle the mess, pronounced a ruling
that, henceforth, all royal proclamations must be written in
modern, currently accepted prose. In other words,
We can't have archaic and edict, too.
----------------------------------------------------
There was this guy named Joe Gordon. He was a miner who
worked down in southeast Ohio in the coal mines. One fine Monday
morning in the spring, Joe was shaving and listening to the radio
when the disk jockey said, "... and we hope you all remembered
that Daylight Savings time started over the weekend. Otherwise,
you're an hour late!"
"Oh no!" Joe thought to himself. "I'm going to be late for
work!!" So Joe hopped in his car and drove off to work.
Now, it just so happens that in the area where Joe lived,
the roads were very narrow, and little more than ruts in the
ground. It was impossible to pass anyone on these roads. There-
fore, you can understand how upset Joe got when he rounded a hill
and saw in front of him a little old lady driving 3 miles per hour!!
After about five minutes of this, Joe got really ticked. He was
thinking of someway to get rid of this lady, when he saw an emergency
telephone off to the side of the road. So what does he do? He hops
out of his car, runs over to the phone booth, and calls the cops,
who come and arrest the little old lady!! Do you know what the
charges were???
Simple: Contributing to the delinquency of a miner !!!
----------------------------------------------------
It seems there were two frogs sitting on a lilly pad, when all
of a sudden, a fly came along. One frog put out his tongue, ate the
fly, and started laughing histerically. Soon the other frog joined
in the laughter.
Later in the day, the other frog ate a fly and the two frogs
burst out in laughter. As time went on, the frogs enjoyed the flies so
much that the sight of a fly would cause them to double up with pleasure
(if it's possible for frogs to double up!). But of course, the most
pleasure came when the fly was actually eaten.
A third frog hopped up to the first two and asked what
was so funny. The first frog answered "Time." "Huh?" asked the third frog.
The second frog exlained:
"Time's fun when your having flies"
----------------------------------------------------
There was once a very influential farmer in an obscure part of China.
He had a problem, for which he sought the counsel of the two wise men
in town. So he summons the two wise men, Hing, who is an scientist,
and Ming, who is a sorcerer, and requests that they find a cure for
his chickens who are losing their feathers and dying.
Hing decides to pay a visit to his mentor at the Agricultural
Extension of the local Community College, under whom he studied many
years ago. The mentor recommends the book "Everything You Always
Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask".
So Hing visits the library, borrows the book, and finds inside the
report of a study that finds that feeding the chickens with an
infusion of gum tree leaves is often a cure for chickens losing their
feathers.
Meanwhile back at the ranch, Ming reads obscure writings of ancient
wise men, he meditates, and he reads tarot cards. He also tries to
read the entrails of a fetal pig. Getting no inspiration he uses his
old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of discovery, he decides
that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure.
On the appointed day, at the appointed time, and at the appointed
place, the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer.
Ming reports "As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion
of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens." Hing agrees,
saying "Four out of five ornithologists recommend sugarless infusions
of gum tree leaves for their chickens who lose their feathers." The
influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town
are of a single mind.
He decides to carry out their advice, and it does not succeed. The
moral of this story is "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's ken
couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."
----------------------------------------------------
Note: The characters' speech should be spoken in a fake Asian accent.
The r's and l's should be merged into an intermediate sound.
When South Vietnam was nearing its end, and General Minh was in charge,
a popular artist came to him and asked to make a statue in his honor (at
government expense).
"Please, General Minh, you are the people's hero," he told him.
"Yes, but make the sculpture in bronze," replied the general.
So the artist made the sculpture, but when it was unveiled in a small
private ceremony, the general was furious. For the sculpture was made in
gold.
"I want bronze," he said, "I want bronze!"
The artist went away in a hurry, deeply impressed with this show of
humility. But he still wanted to honor the general, so he made the next
sculpture in silver.
But again the general was furious.
"I want bronze," he said, "I want bronze!"
This time the artist made the sculpture out of bronze as asked. When
the sculpture was revealed to the general, he was overjoyed at the wonderful
bronze likeness. The artist then complimented the general on his deep
humility.
This notion confused him very much.
"But why did you want sculpture made of bronze?"
"Why? I'll tell you why," said the general.
"Because General Minh prefer bronze!"
----------------------------------------------------
After several years of happy marriage, a man was getting ready for his
anniversary. Their two children had been shipped off to the grandparents -
a very nice dinner for two had been ordered from the local caterer, and he
and his wife were preparing for a very quiet romantic evening at home. He
had already gotten his wife's anniversary present - a diamond brooch, but
decided that a further touch would be neccesary. His wife had a fondness for
gardening and flowers, her favorite being Anemones, and he thought he would
present her with such a plant to replace one that had been knocked over by
their younger child several days earlier. So, on his way home from work,
just before he picked up the warming tray from the Caterer and the bottle
of champagne from the liquor store (Dom Perignon, of course), he stopped at
the Florist to pick up a live Anemone. Alas, however, the florist had sold his
last one earlier in the afternoon and was not going to get in a new shipment
until Monday. Heartbroken though he was, the man was persuaded by the
florist to instead buy a Boston Fern, which were on sale that week.
Arriving home, after carrying in the food and champagne, the man
presented his wife with the fern, and added that he had another suprise for
her. As he reached for the brooch, he mentioned about his first choice of
plants, and was about to apologize, but his wife stilled him.
"After all," she said, "with fronds like these, who needs Anemones."
english.44dejanr,
----------------------------------------------------
From: u9050566@wolfen.cc.uow.oz (Garreth Patrick MCADAM)
Subject: Re: Cosmetic Surgery.
OK. You asked for it
HOW TO PERFORM COSMETIC SURGERY USING NUCLEAR WARHEADS
Thesis by G McAdam
First of all you need a subject, we will call this
subject for want of a better name,The Victim.
STEP 1 Pre-Op
Anethesise the victim preferably with something modern like
the back of a NEW shovell. Secure the victim tightly and
place in the boot of the car. Drive approximately 25.3453
km from where the warhead is located(make sure this is a
straight distance or the results could be undesirable)
and dump the sucke..er..victim. Prepare for the operation
STEP 2 The operation
Board a helicopter and fly a further 100 km away from the
blast site. Don protective clothing and detonate the warhead
(you may need your parents permission to do this ). Then
fly back to where you left the victim.
STEP 3 Cosmetic Surgery
Notice the putty like texture of the victims skin? Good.
Now get the pliers and cake spatula to redesign the victims
face. Wasn't that easy. You can do that to his whole body.
Go on just yank his legs a little. Oops a bit too hard.
Oh well he always wanted to be 9 feet tall anyway.
STEP 4 Post-op
This is the most vital part of the operation. Do not hang
around waiting for the victims thanks. Get out of there
immediately. If you wait for the victim to wake up you
will find he is homicidally jealous of your skills as a surgeon
and your life will be worth spit. Goodbye for now
NEXT LESSON- How to remove parts of the anatomy using
food processors!!!
*************************************
From: cate3.osbunorth@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
Subject: A fun book review
----------------------------------------------------
Title: David Frost's Book of the World's Worst Decisions
Author: Frost, David & Michael Deakin
Publisher: Crown Publishers, Inc.
Date: 1983
David Frost is a well-known TV personality. Michael Deakin is programming
director for a television station founded by Frost in England. This book
is a collection of truly bad decisions from the fields of politics, sports,
business, science, show business, and everyday life.
Sam Phillips owned a small recording company in Memphis. In 1955 he sold
to RCA Records, for the sum of $35,000, the exclusive contract he had with
a young man named Elvis Presley, thereby forfeiting royalties on more than
a billion records.
In 1889 the editor of the San Francisco Examiner published one article by
Rudyard Kipling but declined to accept any more. "I'm sorry, Mr. Kipling,"
he said, "but you just don't know how to use the English language."
In 1981 Dora Wilson looked out her window and saw some men loading her
neighbor's priceless Persian carpets into a van. "What are you doing?"
she called.
"We're taking them to be cleaned," the men replied. "Will you take mine
too?" she asked. They did, and she never saw the men or the carpets again.
In 1910 Olav Olavson decided to raise some cash by selling his body to the
Karolinska Institute, for medical research after his death. The following
year he inherited a fortune and tried to buy himself back. The institute
refused to sell and went to court to verify their claim. They even won
damages, since Olav had had two teeth pulled without asking their
permission.
In 1938 Joe Shuster and Jerry Siegel sold all rights to the comic-strip
character Superman to their publishers for $130, a tidy $65 each.
In 1977 a South African hang-gliding instructor spotted an interesting sight
and made an obscene gesture at a woman who was sunbathing on a rooftop below
his flight path. The woman's husband appeared with a submachine gun and
blasted the birdman out of the sky.
In 1898 young Albert Einstein applied for admission to the Munich Technical
Institute, but was turned down on the grounds that he "showed no promise"
as a student.
In 1880 a house master at Harrow wrote of one of his pupils, "He is forgetful,
careless, unpunctual, irregular in every way.... If he is unable to conquer
this slovenliness he will never make a success of public school." The boy
in question was Winston Churchill.
In 1940 the British Secret Service decided that microfilms must be made of
all personnel records, in case the originals were damaged by enemy action.
It was only when the originals were, in fact, destroyed by enemy action
that it was discovered that the photographer had cropped the top of every
negative so the name of the person to whom the file referred was missing.
In 1862 the Union and Confederacy forces met at the Battle of Antietam.
The Union forces under General Burnside were ordered to cross the Potomac
River and join battle with the enemy. They marched across the bridge two
abreast, making an ideal target for Confederate gunners placed so as to command
the bridge. The slaughter was appalling. General Burnside had failed to
notice that the river was only waist deep and could have been crossed at
any other point in perfect safety.
In 1886 prospector Sors Hariezon decided to sell his South African gold claim
for $20. Over the next 90 years, mines sunk on or near his claim produced
over a million kilograms of gold a year, 70% of the gold supply of the
Western world.
During the 1950's when the BBC's new broadcasting facilities were built,
the corridors were narrow and labyrinthine. The Music Department became
concerned about the difficulties they would face in transporting their grand
pianos from one studio to another, and decided on a series of trials to find
the easiest route. They asked the BBC carpenters to make a plywood mockup
of a full-size piano rather than risk one of their expensive instruments.
The model was duly constructed -- and found to be too large to pass through
the door of the carpentry shop.
----------------------------------------------------
*************************************
From: cate3.osbunorth@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
Subject: How to prove something
----------------------------------------------------
Survey of proof techniques
This survey was written by Dana Angluin. Not really sure where it came from.
Proof by example:
The author gives only the case n=2 and suggests that it contains most
of the ideas of the general proof.
Proof by intimidation:
'Trivial.'
Proof by vigorous handwaving:
Works well in a classroom or seminar setting.
Proof by cumbersome notation:
Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special symbols.
Proof by exhaustion:
An issue or two of a journal devoted to your proof is useful.
Proof by omission:
'The reader may easily supply the details.'
'The other 253 cases are analogous.'
'...'
Proof by obfuscation:
A long plotless sequence of true and\or meaningless syntactically related
statements.
Proof by wishful citation:
The author cites the negation, converse, or generalization of a theorem
from the literature to support his claims.
Proof by funding:
How could three different government agencies be wrong?
Proof by eminent authority:
'I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP-complete.'
Proof by personal communication:
'Eight-dimensional colored cycle stripping is NP-complete [Karp, personal
commmunication].
Proof by reduction to the wrong problem:
'To see that infinite-dimensional colored cycle stripping is decidable,
we reduce it to the halting problem.'
Proof by reference to inaccessible literature:
The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found in a privately
circulated memoir of the Slovenian Philological Society, 1883.
Proof by importance:
A large body of useful consequences all follow from the proposition in
question.
Proof by accumulated evidence:
Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample.
Proof by cosmology:
The negation of the proposition is unimaginable or meaningless. Popular
for proofs of the existence of God.
Proof by mutual reference:
In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to follow from Theorem 3 in reference B,
which is shown to follow from Corollary 6.2 in reference C, which is an
easy consequence of Theorem 5 in reference A.
Proof by metaproof:
A method is given to construct the desired proof. The correctness of the
method is proved by any of these techniques.
Proof by picture:
A more convincing form of proof by example. Combines well with proof by
omission.
Proof by vehement assertion:
It is useful to have some kind of authority relation to the audience.
Proof by ghost reference:
Nothing even remotely resembling the cited theorem appears in the reference
given.
Proof by forward reference:
Reference is usually to a forthcoming paper of the author, which is often
not as forthcoming as at first.
Proof by semantic shift:
Some standard but inconvenient definitions are changed for the statement
of the result.
Proof by appeal to intuition:
Cloud-shaped drawings frequently help here.
----------------------------------------------------
*************************************
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
Subject: Jokes in a religious setting
----------------------------------------------------
There once was a preacher whose congregation was so large that he had
trouble remembering the names and faces of everyone in it. One fine
Sunday after the end of the service, he was greeting various members
of his congregation as they left the church. A woman came up to him and
said, "Good morning, Reverend, surely you remember me!"
Well, he didn't. But he made a valiant effort. "Why, you look like Helen
Brown."
The woman looked somewhat offended as she said, "Well, you don't look so
good in black, yourself!"
----------------------------------------------------
His first day on the job at a small rural town the new pastor
was surprised when only one person showed up for the ceremony.
Perplexed the pastor said,"Well young man...you'r the only one in
attendence,do you wish me to go on with the sermon ? "
after a silent moment the young cowboy replied " Weeeelll pastor
I don't know much about that religion stuff but i'll tell you this....
If i went out to pasture to slop the hog's and there was only one out
there i guarantee i'd feed e'm ." Upon this reply the pastor went forth
with his sermon,which lasted for an hour and a half!! When he finished
he asked the cowboy " Well son did you learn anything ? " Weeellll ",the
cowboy said " I didn't understand a lot of it but i'll tell you this.....
If i go out to pasture to slop the hog's and there is only one there
i sure wouldn't give him the whole load !! "
----------------------------------------------------
A man accidentally falls over a high cliff, and on
the way down he grabs onto the only branch within
reach or sight. In a few moments he summons enough strength
to move again, and he cries upward, "Help! Is there anyone
up there who can help me?"
A moment passes without event, and he again cries, "Help;
can anyone hear me? I need help!"
After another moment a booming voice answers, "THIS IS THE
VOICE OF GOD. BELIEVE IN ME. HAVE FAITH. SAY A PROPER PRAYER
AND LET GO OF THE BRANCH. YOU WILL FLOAT SLOWLY TO THE SAND,
UNHARMED. JUST LET GO."
Looking down at the jagged rocks and the pounding surf, the
man thinks for a second, and then calls up, "Is there anyone
ELSE up there?"
----------------------------------------------------
*************************************
From: garfield@triton.tamu.edu (Garfield Mahan)
Subject: Texas Brags jokes revisited
These are from "The Jokes on Texas" collected by John Randolph. My copy is
First Printing, First Edition, 1956.
===========================================================================
Two thirsty cowboys came to a water hole. When the horses waded in
for a drink, they stirred up lots of mud. One cowboy threw himslef down
between the horses and began to drink. The other, moving to the far side,
asked the first one why he didn't come around and drink where it was clear.
"Don't make no difference," drawled the first one when he came up
for a breath. "I aim to drink it all anyway."
Two newcomers driving through Texas got into an argument about which
was Texas' largest city. Spotting an old timer sitting on a fence rail, they
stopped and asked him to settle the question.
The old man looked up, then looked away and spat, looked back again
and in a slow Texas drawl replied, "Well, I reckon that if you slip the oil
men out of Houston, vacate the millionaires out of Dallas, deport the
Mexicans from San Antonio, send the cow men back home from Fort Worth, and
give all the Baptists in Waco a mission some place, I just recon it would be
Waxahachie."
A former resident of Waco, now making his home in South Carolina, came
back for a visit. He was reminiscing with his old friends when one of them
asked him if he would ever come back to Texas to live. "No," was his reply.
"I sure won't. Things out here are just too much one way or the other. It's
either too hot or too cold, too wild or too tame, too rich or too poor and I
was too much in that last condition when I moved away."
--- AMEN to that...boy could I use a raise...working for the State at poverty
SUCKS!!! --- garfield
"Been so dry that we got catfish in the creek three years old that
haven't learned to swim yet."
FEARLESS STOUT-HEARTED INTELLIGENT
They tell about an early settler named William Jack, an extremely
nearsighted man, being challenged to a duel. He was asked to name the weapons
and conditions. He quietly accepted. The weapons: double barrelled shot-
guns. The conditions: across the width of a card table.
The cleavage between sheepmen and cattlemen in early Texas was
shart and the breach was wide. A tough, weatherbeaten cattleman was persuaded,
after much urging by the pastor, to attend church. The pastor began reading
from the Scriptures but had gone no farther than "The Lord is my Shephard,
I shall not...," when the cattleman jumped up and stomped out. He'd been
tricked into a place where they dealt with sheep herders.
*************************************
From: felton@eng3.UUCP (Ed Felton)
Subject: MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMBAT
____________________________________________________________________________
________________________MURPHY'S_LAWS_OF_COMBAT_____________________________
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
4. There is always a way.
5. The easy way is always mined.
6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
7. Professionals are predictable it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. When you're ready for them.
b. When you're not ready for them.
9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
10. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
12. A "sucking chest wound" is natures way of telling you to slow down.
13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able
to get out.
17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
18. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.
19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
*********************************
From: SL82N@cc.usu.edu
Subject: Gutter Brain
What does Arnold Schwarzeneggar have that is long, President Bush
has that is short, Madonna doesn't have, and the Pope has but rarely
ever uses?
answer: Last names.
(What were you thinking?)
*********************************
From: msimon@alix.UUCP (Marry J. Simon)
Subject: Bedroom Golf
Bedroom Golf
1. The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally
one club and two balls.
2. Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may
begin.
3. Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club
into the hole, while keeping the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before
allowing play to commence.
5. Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length,
so as to avoid damange to the course.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible,
until the course owner is satisfied.
7. Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by
the course owner.
8. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will admire the
course, paying speical attention to the well formed bunkers.
9. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
played recently to the owner of the course presently being played.
10. If the course to be played is temporarily under repair, player is
advised to find altrnate means of play.
11. It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times
in one match.
12. Course owners shall be the judge of who is the best player.
13. It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players,
or even that you have played the course.
*********************************
=========================
From: M.PEARCE2@genie.com
Subject: Between Iraq and a hard place
I heard this from a Co Worker...
What did S. Hussein say to President Bush?
"Read my lips, we're moving out of Kuwait."
========================================
Upon reading about Iraq's statement that they will be
withdrawing from Kuwait, my SO comment was:
"Kuwaitus Interruptus"
=========================
Subject: A consequence of the invasion
From: greg@garnet.berkeley.edu (Greg Kuperberg)
I noticed that the price of American cheese went up 25% after Iraq
invaded Kuwait.
----
Greg Kuperberg
=========================
Subject: Read My Lips for the real reason
From: dodson@uxc.cso.uiuc.edu (Dave Dodson)
According to a UPI article, in his speech about sending troops to Saudi
Arabia,
President Bush said he ordered U.S. troops to the Mideast as a
defensive measure, to uphold American principles.
``Standing up for a principle is an American tradition,'' Bush
said. ``America has never waivered when her purpose is driven by
principle.''
Those who read his lips think he might have used the word 'principal'
(money) instead of 'principle' (a doctrine or rule or code of conduct).
Dave Dodson, Convex Computer Corporation
====================================
From: JRP1@phoenix.cambridge.ac.uk (Jonathan R. Partington)
Subject: topical; satirical; iraq
Mr Uk: Hello, Usa old chap.
Mr Usa: Hello, Uk.
Miss Kuwait: Help! Rape! Aaagh.
Usa: Do you see what's happening over there?
Uk: Isn't that Miss Kuwait being raped by somebody?
Usa: Yes, that's Mr Iraq, I think. Nasty chap.
Uk: Shall we make faces at him?
Usa: Oh that's a bit extreme, isn't it. Tell you what, let's
threaten to make faces at him if he doesn't stop.
Kuwait: HELP HELP! Aaagh.
Iraq (breathing heavily): It's all right, folks, I'll have finished
by Sunday.
Uk: Fine. Well we know you're a gentleman. We won't interfere.
Usa: Of course not. I'm sure you have a good reason for raping Miss K.
Iraq: Oh, Uk, old chap. I've kidnapped your children and locked them
in my house.
Uk: Fine, fine. Well I'm sure you had a good reason for it.
Usa: Well see you on Sunday then.
==================================
From: schumach@uxc.cso.uiuc.edu (Richard A. Schumacher)
Subject: Where Kuwaiti kids spend Saturday nights
At the Iraqi Horror Picture Show!
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
*********************************
From: CBTS8001@iruccvax.ucc.ie (Peter Flynn, UCC Computer Centre)
Subject: Two (relatively) new Yuga/Lada jokes?
My wife saw these in the current _Business and Finance_ so maybe they're
not that new. (USA readers substitute `Yugo' for `Lada')...
Q. What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User's Manual?
A. The bus and train timetables.
Q. What do you call a Lada on a hill?
A. A bloody miracle.
*********************************
From: dwallach@ultra.com (Dan Wallach)
Subject: male bathroom rules
A GUIDE TO PROPER ETIQUETTE IN THE MEN'S RESTROOM
Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself
structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These
have been known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes,"
"men's rooms," and several other names. As with any exclusive
organization, wholy half the human race aren't allowed through the
door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to
maintain a sense of order and dignity.
General rules:
1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with
an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.
2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissable, but absolutely don't
spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping
is only permissable after checking to see nobody else is around.
3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.
4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to
keep looking around. Read grafitti.
Grafitti rules:
5. All grafitti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace
your grafitti back to you, don't do it.
6. Writing grafitti in the open section of the bathroom is only
acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly
acceptable.
7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different
ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small
few, restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about
secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the
government may tend to use the bathroom, grafitti is forbidden.
8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress.
Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely
placed. Homosexual grafitti is generally frowned upon but is
gaining popularity.
9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.
10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by
the management of the bathroom.
Urinal rules:
11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the
outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side,
then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.
For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations:
X...... (X == occupied, . == empty)
X.....X
X..X..X
X.X.X.X
XXX.X.X <--- These are only acceptable when significant
XXX.XXX <--- "privacy" dividers are available. If the
XXXXXXX <--- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.
12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't
know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.
13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange.
At this point, flushing is mandatory.
14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the
urinal. Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.
Toilet rules:
15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.
16. Always flush.
17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.
Special cases:
18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply
for dealing with the females.
a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females
are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to
ignore her presense until you're dressed again.
19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only
if absolutely no other option is available.
20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't
available. Get behind sufficient growth that you are completely
invisible to the remainder of your party, before you begin.
Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or
insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet
paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes
a poor substitute.
*********************************
From: jik@pit-manager.mit.edu (Jonathan I. Kamens)
Subject: partners with God
(I don't know where this joke comes from originally; I heard it from
my father, who says he heard it many years ago and doesn't remember
from whom.)
A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with
weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing
all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to
bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make
this the farm of your dreams!"
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the
farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the
farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is
plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in
well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat
rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have
accomplished together!"
"Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm
was like when God was working it alone!"
english.45dejanr,
Our lab's run by three of us (a guy is the 'manager' over all, a girl is
the 'operator' [read: Vax runner], and I run the Suns), and we tend to
pull practical jokes on each other every once in a while. The manager came
up with a real beauty last week.
In the SHUTDOWN.COM procedures, he added a few lines to make it look like
this:
blahblah perform automatic reboot? blah blah...
(right after the last 'normal' question)
Will I dream? [yes] (she types yes)
Great! Lord knows I love a good dream.
<system comes down>
backup..
<system comes back up..enter SYLOGIN.COM>
(audit messages about images coming up)
Press [RETURN]:
Let me fill you in on my dream! It was horrible!! I dreamt I was
totally out-dated and I ran 4.3! And every night, after you all
left, the Suns tormented me through the window! They're real
bitches, those Suns! One even threw a Mip at me!
I was so SCARED...God I'm glad you're back!
Welcome to VAX/VMS 5.3-1.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical@looking.on.ca
Anything that is not a joke submission goes to funny-request@looking.on.ca
english.46dejanr,
(I wrote this myself while lamenting the plight of the pitiful graduate
student that I am. Thus, it is original and, alas, is all the research I
have managed to do this summer.
Sara Duncan duncan@rmy.rmy.emory.edu)
The Pedagological Tribal System of Primitive Cultures of the
Scientific Research Community
This study deals with a pedagological tribal system with
definite, almost overwhelming paternalistic mores and codes.
I had had some difficulty studying these tribes because they are
quite fierce and often impossible to communicate with except
in their own languages, which are diverse and may have roots
in latin. (I, however, tend to hold that these languages are a
development of the tribes themselves and are a major
contributory factor in their continued isolation from the
global community.) In general, members also appear to have
little ability to learn new languages. To overcome these
barriers, I am attempting to infiltrate a tribe and become a
full-fledged member of it. I am currently undergoing
initiation rites in a southeastern tribe called "Physiology
and Pharmacology". This is a preliminary report of my current
findings.
The adult males of any of the tribes which can be grouped
under the broad designation "researchers" are called
"professors" and sometimes "doctors".
The terms are not entirely interchangeable as the
higher ranking males are always referred to as "doctor"
whereas "professor" is a more generic term for all adult
males who have completed any variation of the initiation
process which is called "graduate school".
There are two groups of females in this culture, one group is
granted low ranking status as a quasi-male with
responsibilities similar to the very low-ranking males. They
are referred to as "professors" also, but are never actually
allowed to progress beyond certain set heirarchial levels.
This group is not often granted reproductive status. The
second group of females could be classified as sub-adult, as
they are never granted any of the rights of the full adult,
which is, of course, always male or quasi-male. They are
termed "professor's wives" and may only assume any status
through the male to whom they are attached and by telephone
calls to secretaries. The phone calling privilege is unique to
the "professor's wife" and is *never* usurped.
Interestingly, offspring of these unions are not acknowledged
within the culture and leave the tribe upon reaching
adolescence.
Reproduction is quite unusual and very interesting! The
tribes call this "recruitment". Several select members of the
tribe, usually middle-ranking males and even a few quasi-male
females travel to distant tribes called "undergraduate
colleges" where they put on quite lovely displays and make
generous offers to the neonates from the "undergraduate
colleges". This is similar to courtship in some cultures, but
is directed at procuring neonates. The neonates put on a
secondary display for the professors of their choosen tribe,
wherein they accept the wonderous offers. These are very
intricate dances, and only the best research tribes and neonates
are successful.
Once the new tribe members have arrived at their new tribe,
however, initiation may take anywhere from four to
seven years. I have seen examples of initiates being
subjected to trials for eight years! This does vary somewhat,
but the general rule is an extrordinarily long and quite
demanding set of incomprehensible tests that the candidates
for initiation must perform well on. These are similar to the
tribes of Africa who have to walk on hot coals in bare feet or
draw elaborate scars on all parts of their bodies. The
actual trials are called "preliminary exams" "qualifying
exams" and, of course the dreaded "dissertation defense" rite.
Unfortunatly, I have not yet been made privy to all the
inuendos of this final rite. Although I have been allowed to
watch during several. I was actually required to watch this
horrible test of human ability to withstand the agony of hours
of questions in very highly ceremonial language, many words of
which I am not yet informed. The medicine man of the tribe
changes for each different initiate. He is called the "major
professor", possibly referring to his power during the rite of
passage. The power of the medicine man is reflected on the
initiate and will follow him through his entire adult life.
These tribes have not yet been well characterized. This is
understandable in light of the extreme reclusivity and
exclusivity of all of the research tribes I have encountered.
Yet this should not preclude further in-depth analysis of a
truly unique way of life. I shall continue work within my
present tribe in hopes of becoming a full fledged member, as
it were, and of coming to full understanding of this culture.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Please use looking.on.ca and not just looking or looking.uucp.
english.47dejanr,
A couple of maintenance men are working around launch pad of the space shuttle
one day, when one of them notices some fuel leaking from one of the fuel
lines. They call mission control, who instructs them to try and contain the
fuel till they can figure out what to do about it.
They start collecting it into buckets, cans, jars, whatever they can find
around. After several hours (it takes mission control a *long* time to figure
out how to stop these things) one of them decides to take a taste of it.
Jim: "Hey, Joe! Take a taste of this stuff. It ain't half-bad."
Joe: "Are you crazy?"
Jim: "No, really. It's kinda like vodka or something."
Joe: "You're right! This is pretty good!"
Jim: "Yea! And I think I'm getting a good buzz off it too."
So Jim and Joe continue to drink their new-found drink and mop-up the rest of
the spilt fuel, though by now they're not really minding the work. The next
morning, Jim gets a phone call.
Jim: "Hello?"
Joe: "Hey Jim, how ya feeling?"
Jim: "Pretty good, actually. I don't have a hangover or nuthin'!"
Joe: "Have you gone to the bathroom yet?"
Jim: "No, why?"
Joe: "Cuz I'm calling you from Australia."
__________________
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
english.48dejanr,
This was an actual posting at MIT for a job oppurtunity. (I removed the
phone numbers and address, but left the poster's name since he deserves
the credit for this.)
You are a great C/UNIX hacker, but you're ashamed to admit that you
still use 1960's-era software development tools here in the Mecca of
super-genius computer science. Your devotion to a subset of MULTICS
may ear you jeers on the 7th floor, but it can also earn you up to
$10,000 and a free trip to Paris on September 14th.
I've got a pile (70,000 lines that compiles to 0.75 Mbytes) of C code
written by some university weenies in Buffalo. It constitutes a
fairly winning 3D modelling system for designers and architects.
There is even a comprehensive luser's manual.
A mysterious person in Switzerland wants to flog this software
worldwide. Before it can be sold to millions of adoring fans, it
needs to be polished up, i.e. fixed and extended. In particular, some
guys in Paris want to look at the thing work on September 14th before
parting with some serious money.
Your task is to work 80 hours/week between now and September 14th.
You'll have a Sun 3 or 4 located in a scenic Kendall Square warehouse
and all the Vivarin you can Stomach. You might actually learn
something about solid modelling and CAE systems. In particular, the
system seems to have a megawinning redisplay algorithm.
After you win totally on this hell-bent crusade to charm the
Parisians, there's a chance for consulting during the term at
outrageous industry rates.
Why am I, Philip Greenspun, famous nerd and 200 lb. guzzler of French
pastry, not doing this myself?
For openers, the worst week of my life was spent learning C and
programming an 8051 ($2 washing machine controller) to talk to an IBM
PC. After ten years hacking Lisp Machines, God had finally sent me a
machine commensurate with my abilities.
However, the main reason is that I am busy being president of a
startup company. Bankrupting a business is not as easy as it looks.
Corporations exhibit a propensity for mediocrity that inhibits true
success or failure. Alas, I'll be listening to creditors threaten to
"punch [my] f...king face in" (yes, that's a quote) rather than
munching bonbons with friendly Frenchwomen.
If you are interested, immediately call me at [] or FAX a
resume to []. You can mail a resume to
Philip Greenspun
Head Pimp
[...]
english.49dejanr,
A woman walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a tattoo
of Elvis on the inside of her thigh. "But it had better be a good one
or I won't pay you", she tell the artist.
"Lady", the artist replies,"I do an excellent Elvis."
1/2 an hour later the tattooist is done.
The woman looks at the tattoo and says "That looks nothing like Elvis"
The Artist disagrees, but offers to try again on the inside of her other
thigh. The woman agrees and 1/2 an hour later she has another Elvis tattoo.
But she ddoesn't like this one either. The tattooist says,"Look I've done
2 good pictures of Elvis and I'll prove it to you. I'll go out on the street
and get someone else to come in here and look and if he doesn't think its
Elvis then you don't have to pay."
The man goes out and grabs the first drunk he sees and brings him inside.
"Look at this woman and tell me who the guy tattooed on her thighs is"
"Well, I don't know how those 2 fellows on the sides are, but that guy in the
middle looks just like Willie Nelson."
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
// I am Lono!! // The opinions you express may not necessarily be //
// // my own. //
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
english.50dejanr,
>From the June, 1988 issue of "Discover"....
...Among science students Caltech is the capital of retaliation. A
particularly satisfying incident in the early 1970's involved a math
professor who annoyed students by his mechanical, predictable
approach to teaching - his lecture notes were straight from his
book. One student got hold of a device that changed the normal
frequency in an electrical outlet to any desired value. He plugged
the classroom clock into it and, over serveral weeks, upped the
speed -first by 10 percent, then 12.5 percent, then 15 percent.
Each day the frazzled professor raced through the tried-and-true
lecture faster and faster, until finally he was reduced to
fast-forward gibberish.
----------------------------------------------------
A quote from 1988 SF Chronical--
"...the automated office is still in its infancy. More IBM Selectric
typewriters are stolen in a year than word processing computers sold..."
----------------------------------------------------
Quote from a 1988 "Intel Solutions" -
"Intel's own Board of Directors could not agree on whether to proceed with the
commercial sale of the 4004. Their resistance was underscored by the company's
marketing department which, based on the belief that microprocessors would only
be sold as minicomputer replacements, initially estimated the entire world-wide
market at only a few thousand units per year."
----------------------------------------------------
>From the column, "Skeptical Eye," in DISCOVER magazine, January 1982.
Not to mention the classic: Counting in octal is just like counting in
decimal, if you don't use your thumbs. -Tom Lehrer
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal if you are all thumbs.
-Glaser and Way
----------------------------------------------------
english.51dejanr,
USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW
WHEN IN IRAQ
Akbar khali-kili haftir lotfan.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
Fekr gabul cardan davat paeh gush divar.
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie
down on the floor with my arms above my head and legs
apart.
Shomaeh fem tamomeh oeh gofteh bandeh.
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in
your life.
Auto arraregh davateman mano sepaheh-hast.
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in
the trunk of your car.
Fashal-eh tupehman na degat mano goftam cheeshayeh mohema
rajebehkesvarehman.
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital
appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my
country in public.
Khrel, jepaheh maneh va jayeh amerikahey.
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American
spies travelling as reporters.
Balli, balli, balli.
Whatever you say.
Martenier ghermez ahlieh, ghorban.
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
Tikeh nuneh ba ob khrelleh bezorg va khrube boyast ind
begeram.
The water soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you.
I must have the recipe.
Enjoy!!! PS I didn't write this and don't know who did.
--
Eron
-----------------
! The Jokester !
!---------------!
english.52dejanr,
A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the guys
gets out and goes into the office.
"I need some four-by-two's," he says.
"You must mean two-by-four's" says the clerk.
The guy gets a kind of a blank stare and scratches his head. "Wait a minute,"
he says, "I'll go check."
He goes out to the truck. The window gets rolled down, and there's an animated
conversation. Finally the guy comes back in.
"Yeah," he says, "I meant two-by-fours."
"OK," says the clerk, "how long you want 'em?"
The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh . . . I guess I better go check," he
says.
He goes out to the truck, again. There's another animated conversation.
The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says, "we're building
a
house".
english.53dejanr,
Q: What do you call a sadistic Dentist who rides a motorcycle and wears
a black leather jacket?
A: The Leader of the Plaque
----------------------------------------------------
Q: Why didn't they tell jokes in Jonestown?
A: The punch lines were too long.
----------------------------------------------------
LIVE NOW THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF TIME TO BE DEAD LATER
----------------------------------------------------
ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL,
BUT SOME MUST BE SENT TO SIBERIA.
----------------------------------------------------
"What is the day which comes after Halloween when you have turkey?"
"Election day."
----------------------------------------------------
What would you call Santa's son if he became an elf?
A subordinate Claus.
----------------------------------------------------
What does Santa call his wife at tax time?
A dependent Claus.
----------------------------------------------------
Santa noticed that the elves weren't working as hard this year as last so
he told them that the elf who made the most toys could have his beautiful
daughter for one night. What did the elves call his daughter after that?
An incentive Claus.
----------------------------------------------------
I can't believe you are the result of millions of years of evolution.
----------------------------------------------------
SAW THIS ON THE BACK OF A VAN IN ROCHESTER;
CAUTION: BLIND MAN DRIVING
ON THE SIDE OF THE VAN (AFTER I PASSED IT TO CHECK OUT THE DRIVER)
ROCHESTER VENETIAN BLIND CO.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Groucho Marx:
I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"You can neither win nor lose if you don't run the race" --Bowie.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
----------------------------------------------------
A man doesn't become a failure until he is satisfied with being one.
----------------------------------------------------
One of the most common mistakes is to believe that others know more about
the problem than you do.
----------------------------------------------------
Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn't have
anything
to do with it.
---------------------------------------------------
english.54dejanr,
Saw this on a T shirt awhile back:
"Join the Marines, visit distant and exotic lands, meet new and interesting
peoples, then KILL them"
english.55dejanr,
A women described that one night, while she and her husband were making love,
she suddenly noticed something sticking in his ear. When she asked him what it
was he replied 'Be quiet! I'm listening to the cricket.'
*****
When in Melbourne for the filming of Stanley Kramer's 'On the Beach', actress
Ava Gardner thus described Melbourne:
'On the Beach' is a film about the end of the world and I couldn't think of a
better place to film it.
*****
Ernestine Hill (I have no idea who he is apart from this quote) has said that
over many decades the citizens of Darwin fell into two categories - those who
were paid to stay there and those who had no money to leave.
*****
It is understood that if a person has an IQ of less than 10, then they would
not even be able tie their shoelaces. This may explain why Australians wear
thongs.
(Poster's note:- In Australia a thong is a piece of footwear like a sandal,
except that there is only one strap running between the two inner toes and
across diagonally along the top of the foot and with no back ankle strap. This
is why this humble poster was at first confused with references to thongs in
rec.nude as a beach wear item.)
*****
The definition of an Australian poof is a guy who prefer girls to beer.
english.56dejanr,
What do you get when you cross a colored person and a Jewish Person???
A janitor that owns the building!!!
english.57dejanr,
Two bulls are standing in snow up to their shoulders. One turns to the other
and says "God damn its cold, I think I'm going back to the barn and slip into
a nice warm Jersey!!"
english.58dejanr,
Show me a man who does not engage in oral sex, aand I'll show you a man who's
wife/girlfriend I can take away!!
Remember if God had not meant for it to be eaten, he wouldn't have shaped it
like a taco.
english.59dejanr,
News Bulletin:
Men and Women are not alike.
Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conculsive
proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
topics, these facts have emerged:
RELATIONSHIPS:
First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers to
it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then
she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup
- at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted
you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and
I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's
always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You"
drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There
are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.
SEX:
Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her
place as part of the foreplay.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults.
Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each
other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely
work out.
HATS:
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
COMEDY:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching tele-
vision, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately,
the men will get very excited - they will laugh uproariously, and even
try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge.
The women will roll their eys and groan and wait it out.
HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch.
Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with
circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's"
and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when
she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
BATHROOMS:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy
and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and
buys these things.
A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon,
and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter,
his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverley
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
10-items-or-less lane.
GOING OUT:
When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.
When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready
to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on
her makeup...
SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then
slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic
bag from Saks. When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress
shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are
under her desk.
A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.
LEG WARMERS:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing
the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time
she wants.
A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the
Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...
GARAGES:
Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages,
they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.
MOVIES:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."
For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face
in "Public Enemy."
JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than
that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree
of the changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses,
a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an
expensive foreign sports car.
THE TELEPHONE:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone
to send short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home,
she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
LOW BLOWS:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television,
and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.
The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt."
The man doubles over and actually feels pain.
DIRECTIONS:
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop and
ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while
saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there," and,
"I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."
ADMITTING MISTAKES:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.
RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who
works out at the health club and dates only married women.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail...
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
NUDITY IN MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This
is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.
The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
This is another reason why men hate him.
DAVID LETTERMAN:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.
Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
CAMERAS:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state-
of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.
Women purchase Kodak Instamatics, and often produce better-looking shots.
POLITICS:
Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political
things such as voting.
Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up
and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for
them and cry on election night.
LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as
well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract
terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do
his laundry. Wehn he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to
the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.
WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."
Men talk about "the bachelor party."
CHEERLEADERS:
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.
Male cheerleaders are scary.
SOCKS:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have
pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of
11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older,
their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of
mens toys: miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and
blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots the serve cocktails on
command, video games, and anything that blinks, beeps and requires at
least six "D" batteries to operate.
PLANTS:
A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man will water the plants.
The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.
No one knows why this happens.
MUSTACHES:
Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
There are no women who look good with mustaches.
NICKNAMES:
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
english.60dejanr,
Heard in 86 on the radio (NPR):
A man who runs an ice-cream parlor in Bethesda MD received a phone call a
few days ago. The caller warned him that he would be robbed that evening,
but that the police had already been informed and would apprehend the thieves
as they left. The caller said that the man should therefore not panic, but
should simply give them the money, and wait for the police.
Sure enough, that evening, a robber appeared, demanded the money in the cash
register, and left. The man calmly gave it to him, waited for the police,
and then, after several minutes, sheepishly called the police to report the
theft.
----------------------------------------------------
LACK OF PLANNING ON YOUR PART
DOESN'T CONSITUTE AN EMERGENCY
ON MY PART.
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: On following the proper procedures ...
Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army
was captured on is way through the mountains. All were
courtmartialed and shot, except Hildago, because he was a
priest. He was handed over to the bishop of Durango who
excommunicated him and returned him to the army where he
was then executed.
----------------------------------------------------
Police in Miami arrested two men who appeared to be engaged in a drug
transaction. But the dealer had sold the buyer phony cocaine -- which
was paid for in counterfeit money....
...Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, may have violated the rights of a
suspect by attaching a metal colander to his head and connecting the
colander to an office photocopier with metal wires. A message reading
"HE'S LYING" was placed in the copying machine. Each time the interrogators
got an answer they didn't trust, they pushed the copy button -- and out
would come the message. Convinced the jerry-rigged polygraph was accurate,
the suspect confessed.
----------------------------------------------------
english.61dejanr,
In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked
if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven
percent responded that they did.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Quote for the Day -- On being Well Rounded
"And every spring, a new graduating class enters the workforce. Some have
a well-rounded view of operating systems, but for many there is only Unix."
- Gord Campbell, InfoAge editorial, Nov 84
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From Harper's Magazine:
Amount of pizza eaten each day in U.S. (acres): 75
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Found on the seal of a bag of bagels:
NEW
IMPROVED
Made the old
fashioned way
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Sign in a restaurant:
"We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe
vibration in flight. The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and
switched on the seat belt sign. The vibration stopped immediately.
A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in
place inside.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
NOBODY EVER HAD A RAINBOW WITHOUT A LITTLE RAIN
-----------------------------------------------------------------
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
Dear Sir,
I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the
home or to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon
us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only
result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in
turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
agricultural industry.
----------------------------------------------------
Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges
in dealing with people. When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed,
"No Tickets?" What do you mean NO TICKETS?" the women waiting on him smiled
sweeting. "I'm terribly sorry, sir," she replied. "Which word didn't you
understand?"
----------------------------------------------------
One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.
Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received
the following note:
"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we
were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."
----------------------------------------------------
One women is never happy when she has to wait in line, and people who
try to squeeze in front are a special sore point.
One day a young man at the supermarket stepped up to her just as she
reached the checkout counter. "Mind if I go ahead?" he asked. "I just have
this one can of dog food."
"Goodness, no," she roared, "If you're that hungry, go right ahead!"
english.62dejanr,
The aging head of a secluded Monastary decides he will take a walk into the
nearby town for the first time in 30 years. As he's walking down the street
he passes a hooker on a corner who says "Hey twenty dollars for a quicky".
Confused, he walks past another corner and another hooker says "Hey padre,
twenty dollars for a quicky". He has no idea whats going on, so he returns to
the monastary and calls the Mother Superior to his office and asks her "Whats
a quicky?" She replys "Twenty dollars, same as in town".
RAMBOB
english.63dejanr,
"I find television very educating.
Every time somebody turns on the set,
I go into the other room and read a book."
--Groucho Marx
1890-1977
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck
stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises. After several days the
phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush.
The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being returned
upon completion of each call.
A repairman arrived within the hour !!
----------------------------------------------------
The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as
the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate. At one point
she wailed "Oh no, NOW what do I do ? It just rang up sixty-four thousand,
five hundered seventy four dollars in sales tax on a ten-dollar sale !"
Suprisingly,
the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay. Some even
chuckled sympathetically. It wasn't until I got near the front of the line
that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the register: WE ARE
CURRENTLY DOING BATTLE WITH OUR NEW COMPUTER FOR CONTROL OF THE STORE---WE
APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Said at an atheist funeral.
Here lies an atheist, all dressed up and nowhere to go.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Broadcast blooper of the week
Heard on KABC radio:
"This program was brought to you by the Canadian Government Office of
Terrorism...er, Tourism"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
According to a recent government publication ...
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
english.64dejanr,
>From the book "I Think Therefore I Laugh" by John Allen Paulos:
-------------------------------------
Martha: What did you get for the density of the block, George?
George: Well, it weighed about 17 pounds, and had a volume of about 29 cubic
feet, so I guess the density is .58620689551 pounds per cubic foot. This
calculator is really swell!
-------------------------------------
A man, who not being certain of an item he reads in the newspaper, buys 100
copies of the paper to reassure himself of its truth.
-------------------------------------
New release: Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the
waiting time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
rate there will soon be a one year wait to get an abortion.
-------------------------------------
A statistician refuses to fly after reading the alarmingly high probability
that there will be a bomb on any given plane. Later he finds that the
probability
of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. Now whenever he
flies, he always carries one bomb with him.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
english.65dejanr,
OKLAHOMA CITY- Dennis Newton is no Perry Mason.
Newton, 47, was on trial for armed robbery Tuesday when he decided to fire
his lawyer and represent himself.
Assistand District Attorney Larry Jones says Newton did just fine until the
store's manager testified he was the robber.
Newton accused her of lying, and accidently said "I should have blown
your...............head off". He quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was
there."
It only took the jury 20 minutes to convict him. The recommended
sentence...... 30 years.
----------------------------------------------------
I just heard about a group of US tourists who came back from the Soviet Union.
They visited Lenin's Tomb, which is one of the most important monuments in
the Kremlin. Altough the line was long, the foreigners were allowed to go
to the front of the line. As they were allowed to enter, one 20 year old
woman was not allowed to go in because she wore a short sleeved blouse.
(It was in the summer) She couldn't figure out why such a rule existed.
Later on, she asked her travel guide about the rule, and was told that the
Soviet constitution does not guarantee the right to bare arms.
----------------------------------------------------
Some from the 8th annual Ten-Best Stressed Puns competition:
A man discovered that a blood vessel on his wife's forehead would enlarge
as the barometric pressure fell. He learned soon to predict rainstorms by
observing her weather vein.
---
During a dark night in Killarney, a group of American tourists huddled in
Durty Nellie's pub. A local Irishman sidled up to one of them and proposed
a scheme to sell a cure for leprosy. "I'm sorry", the American said, stiffly.
"I'm not Irish. I don't believe in leper cons."
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: Natural language research in Antarctica
>From the Wall Street Journal, Dec. 10, 1985
"Antarctic Life Proves Hard Even for Those Who Love Their Work"
... How boring is life in the Antarctic? People in one group wintering at the
South Pole in the 1960s watched the film "Cat Ballou" 87 times. People in
another, after tiring of the westerns, Disney features and pornographics films
on hand, spliced the movies together into their own production and adopted a
vocabulary based on their creation that was so strange that relief crews
arriving in the spring could barely understand them.
...
english.66dejanr,
HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT'S GOING
TO BE A ROTTEN DAY
You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a
group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your
business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
Your income tax check bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your pet rock snaps at you.
Your wife says "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
Author Unknown ... But Troubled
----------------------
Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and
the instruction afterward.
english.67dejanr,
Old News?
>From "American Anecdotes, Original and Select," Boston 1830:
Timothy Dexter, a native of Newburyport, Massachusetts, inquired of some
merchants, whom he knew, how he should dispose of a few hundred dollars.
Willing to hoax him, they answered, "Why, buy a cargo of warming-pans and
send them to the West Indies, to be sure." He bought all the warming-pans
he could find and sent them to a climate where there was every reason to
suppose that ice would be far more acceptable. The warming-pans met with
a rapid sale; the tops being used for strainers and the lower part for dippers,
in the manufacture of molasses.
With the proceeds of this profitable cargo he built a vessel; and being
informed
by the carpenter that wales [i.e., boards] were wanting, he called on an
acquaintance and said, "My head workman sends me word that he wants wales
for the vessel. What does he mean?" "Why, whale bones, to be sure," answered
the man, who, like everybody else, was willing to impose on his stupidity.
Whale bones were accordingly bought; but finding Boston could not furnish
enough, he emptied New York and Philadelphia as well. The ship carpenters,
of course, had a hearty laugh at his expense; but, by a singular turn of
fortune, this blunder also was the means of increasing his wealth. It soon
after became fashionable for ladies to wear stays completely lined with
whalebone;
and as none was to be found in the country, it brought an immense price.
Thus his coffers were filled a second time by his odd speculations.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Sacramento Daily Union of Nov 17, 1860.
News What is News
We find the following announcement in a St Louis paper:
A party of gentlemen in Sacramento, California, have been for some time
secretly
experimenting in diamond making. The last mail informs us that the whole
affair blew up, nearly killing J W Underwood, one of the enthusiasts.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Sacramento Daily Union Dec 30, 1860
The French Railway companies have made a new regulation, whereby every
passenger
is weighed and charged accordingly.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Sacramento Daily Union of November 29, 1861
Too Late - A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday
by the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate
in the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day
after the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Sacramento Daily Union of July 2, 1861
A Hen Brooding Kittens
A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county, a few
days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three kittens!
The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring says
the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that she
has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young felines
are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at her
cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings. Petaluma
Journal
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Sacramento Daily Union of October 31, 1861
Accident in Santa Cruz
At this place, August 15th, William D Farrand was shot in the thigh by the
accidental discharge of his pistol while he was in the act of putting it
in his pocket. The wound is severe.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Sacramento Daily Union for September 13, 1860
A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Sacramento Daily Union for September 11, 1861.
Climate and Surgery
R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who received
a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at the time
could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the day before
- walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be riddled with
bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially recommend our
Sacramento
climate and Sacramento surgery.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Sacramento Daily Union of September 19, 1861
Born Again
The two Albino children now exhibiting in this city are represented to have
been born in Monterey county, of California Indian parents. When they were
exhibited here some five or six months ago they were represented to be natives
of Cuba, and of Cuban parents. It is a scriptural requisition that we all
be "born again;" but this being born in an entirely different and remote
locality, is the exercise of a license never contemplated or provided for
in scriptural times, so far as we are advised.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Nevada Morning Transcript of January 30, 1861
A New Way of Taking Pills
A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and having
no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with small,
hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks will go
far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Nevada Morning Transcript of February 15, 1861
"Heroine" is perhaps as peculiar a word as any in our language; the two
first letters of it are a male, the three first a female, the four first
a brave man, and the whole word a brave woman.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
english.68dejanr,
This reminds me of (probably came from) a rather famous quote of
Churchill's. He was at a party, and had tied one on
[corrected version]
"Sir, you are drunk"
"And you, Madam, are ugly. But in the morning *I* shall be sober"
OK, if you like vintage Churchill jokes, here's another that's still
told in political circles (well, I heard it from an MP):
One day when Atlee went into the 'Gents' at the House of Commons,
Churchill was already there using the facilities. When Churchill saw
Atlee come in, he turned away to conceal himself. Atlee said "Really,
Winston, I'm suprised that an ex-Prime Minister should be so shy.
You must have something to hide." "Not at all", said Churchill,
"it's just that whenever you Socialists see something that's big and in
perfect working order you want to nationalise it!".
Regards, "None shall be enslaved by poverty, ignorance or conformity"
David Wright STL, London Road, Harlow, Essex CM17 9NA, UK
english.69dejanr,
I haven't seen any Steven Wright jokes in a while, so here is a list of bits
and pieces I collected over the last few months. Anybody watching the HBO
special they are advertising on regular TV? I don't have cable, so maybe
someone can post some of his stuff from that show.
Here goes:
----------
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay down in front of the fire for the
evening in eight minutes.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and
four people died.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means it's going
to be up all night.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Having sex with Rachel (his girlfriend) is amazing. It's like going to a
concert -- she yells a lot and throws Frisbees around the room. When she wants
more, she lights a match. We were way up in Canada, hiking and camping and
stuff. I don't know how she did it, but somehow Rachel got poison ivy on her
brain. The only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.
I like my dental hygienist. I think she's very pretty. So whenever I go to
get my teeth cleaned, while I'm in the waiting room, I eat an entire box of
Oreo cookies.
I went to a place to eat that said 'breakfast anytime.' So I ordered French
toast during the renaissance.
If you were in a vehicle and you were traveling at the speed of light and then
you turned your lights on -- would they do anything?
I bought some powdered water. But I don't know what to add.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
The other day is stuck my car key in my front door by accident, and my house
started up. So I decided it to take it for a ride. A cop pulled me over for
speeding. He asked me where I live. I said "Right here.".
I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking his keys
in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a
child.
When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well. I said,
"no, I made a few mistakes."
I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. People ask me where I
live, and I say, "E6". In the corner on the legend it says "1 mile equals
1 mile".
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
What's another word for Thesaurus?
"Yesterday, I..... No, that wasn't me..."
I wrote a song but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.
If it's a penny for your thoughts, and you put your $.02 in, somewhere
someone is making a penny.
I sat next to a blond Chinese girl on the bus who said she was a nymphomaniac
attracted to Jewish cowboys. I said, "Hi, I'm Bucky Goldstein."
I once got caught copying an exam in the back of the class....
I guess the teacher must have heard the Xerox Machine.
I once put Instant Coffee in a Microwave and almost went back in time.
I have masking tape across my mirrors so I don't get sucked into an
alternate dimension.
I just bought a decaffeinated coffee table. You can't even tell by looking
at it.
I used to work as a parking attendent at logan airport. I parked jets, but I
was fired. I kept locking the keys in them. I had to get them out using a
coat hanger and an 82-foot step-ladder.
When I bought my house there was an electric switch that didn't seem to connect
to anything. So, every once in a while I'd flick it up and down. A couple of
months later I got a letter from a little old lady who lived in Germany,
saying, "Cut it out!".
I bought a house recently, it's on the median strip of a highway. Nice grassy
area. I like it. The only problem is when you leave the driveway, you've got
to be going 55 miles an hour.
The other day I was in court for a traffic ticket. I pleaded insanity. I
said, "Your Honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?".
I was stopped by the police the other day. The officer said to me, "Don't you
know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?". "Yes." I said, "But I wasn't
planning on being out that long.".
The other day I was thrown out of the theatre for bringing my own food. "The
prices here are outrageous." I screamed. "Besides, I haven't had a good
barbecue in a long time.".
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire
area was gone.
I was walking down the street the other day, and I saw a subliminal advertising
executive *just* for a second.
english.70dejanr,
Judge: Haven't I seen you before?
Man: Yes, your honor, I taught your daughter how to play the piano.
Judge: Thirty Years!
----------------------------------------------------
"My Uncle is in Leavanworth because he made big money."
"How much?"
"About a third of an inch too big."
----------------------------------------------------
Officer: Are you happy now that you are in the Army?
Soldier: Yes sir!
Officer: What were you before you got into the Army?
Soldier: Much happier!
----------------------------------------------------
The seven ages of a woman are:
Baby, child, girl, young woman, young woman, young
woman, and poised social leader!
----------------------------------------------------
A man is driving along a country road and his car breaks down.
He gets out, opens the hood and looks in confusion at the engine.
About this time a horse wanders up to a near-by fence, leans over and
peaks under the hood. The horse looks up at the man and says
"It's the carburetor."
The man does a quick double-take and replys,
"What did you say?"
"I said it's your carburetor."
So the man turns and runs away.
Soon he comes upon a farmer and flags him down.
"My car broke down back there and when I opened the hood this horse comes
over and starts TALKING to me!"
"What he say?" the farmer replies calmly.
"He said it was my carburetor!"
So the farmer says, "Don't pay any attention to him, he doesn't know
anything about carburetors."
-----------------------------
Experience is a dear teacher, but fools will learn at no other.
-- Poor Richard's Almanac
english.71dejanr,
A man who was really drunk calls his wife for a ride home
from the bar.
wife: "Where are you?"
The man steps out of the phonebooth and looks at the corner
where he is calling from, goes back and picks up the phone and says:
"At the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK."
----------------------------------------------------
Once there was a man who went all through college and decided he didn't
like it, so he dropped out to become a trolley car conductor...He loved
the trolley cars...he had loved them since he had been a child in San
Francisco...every day he would watch the trolley cars go up the hill and
down the hill; up the hill and down the hill...and he loved to watch
them...except when old people got on the trolley cars, because they used
to complain about the littlest (sic) things...as the man grew older he
developed a hatred of old people, while retaining his love of trolley
cars.
So it was no surprise that the man, upon dropping out of school, decided
to become a trolley car conductor...he spent his days going up the hill
and down the hill; up the hill and down the hill, ringing the trolley car
bell as he went...UNTIL...one day an old lady got on the trolley car and
demanded change for the money she had put in the vend-o-matic, even though
there was a sign clearly posting that the conductor did not make change...
the conductor refused to make change for her, and this infuriated the old
lady...at this point she began screaming at him and making such a scene
that he lost control and threw her out on the trolley car tracks and ran
over her...needless to say, he was arrested, tried, and found guilty...
He was sentenced to die in the electric chair, and when the warden came to
ask him what he wanted for his last meal, he responded "a dozen bananas".
The warden was a bit surprised at the request, but honored it and the man
promptly smashed up the bananas and smeared the juice all over his body...
He was then taken to the electric chair and strapped in...ZAP...the
executioner threw the switch, but the man lived...the executioner checked
all the connections and threw the switch again...the man still lived...
the executioner tried a third time, but the man still lived...now at this
time, the law stated that if you didn't die by the third time, it was an
act of God that you were still alive and you were released, so the man went
free...
He returned to his job at the trolley car...(go through the deaths of two
more old people and trials and bananas smashed on bodies and three tries
and man going free from electric chair)...after the man was set free for
the third time, the warden approached him..."Three times you've been
sentenced to die in the electric chair and three times, you've gone free...
tell me why...is it the banana juice that you smear all over your body
before going to the chair??"
The man thought for a moment, and then slowly replied, "No, I don't think
it's the bananas...I guess I'm just a bad conductor..."
----------------------------------------------------
english.72dejanr,
From the Sept. 1990 issue of Shooting Times magazine, page 23, without
permission:
This month's best dumb crook award has to go to a lobster thief.
This sticky-fingered shifty pocketed a couple of live lobsters and ran
from the store. One of the lobsters, however, got nervous when the man
started to run and clamped it's claws on the crooks's testicles.
When the police found him writhing in pain, he was trying to pry
the lobster's claw loose, but wasn't having much luck. A store clerk
with a pair of pliers quickly eased the thief's agony.
When the ambulance arrived, the man was in terrible pain and by
the time he reached the hospital, he had passed out. Surgeons spent
three hours trying to "repair the damage."
The store owner benevolently refused to press chsrges. "The poor
guy has had enough trouble for one day. Just thinking about what
happened to him makes me hurt."
english.73dejanr,
OFFENSIVE JOKE TO RELIGIOUS PEOPLE
Why can't Jesus eat M&M's?
They keep falling through the holes in his hands...
*POW*
Here are a couple of old computer jokes...
Did you hear that Eve was the mother of the computer revolution?
She had an apple in one hand and a wang in the other.
What do you get when you cross a computer with a prostitute?
A fu**ing know-it-all.
And, finally, one of my favorites...
Why can't Hellen Keller have children?
Because she's dead.
english.74dejanr,
This is all that I have. It appears that some people have a great distaste
for these jokes, but, considering that they are new to me, I think they're
kind of funny. Yes, I do know that these jokes are quite old.. but I'm not.
The Semi-Complete Canatonical List of Mommy, Mommy! Jokes
---------------------------------------------------------
son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't like Sis!
mom: Shut up, and keep eating!
son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't like running in circles!
mom: Shutup, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
son: Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy running away?
mom: Shut up, and help me reload the shotgun!
son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to go to England.
mom: Shut up and keep swimming.
son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to see daddy again.
mom: Shut up and keep digging.
son: Mommy, Mommy, I want to play with Grandpa now!
mom: Keep quiet, the coffin stays closed today!
son: Mommy, Mommy, I'd like to play marbles now!
mom: Keep quiet, you can't use Grandpa's glasseye today!
son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't like the crunchy stuff in my pea
soup!
mom: Keep quiet and eat what is on the table or do you think
I pour Grandpa's vomit through a sieve?
son: Mommy, Mommy, I wanted to lick the bowl this time.
mom: Shaddup and flush.
son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't know how to play poker.
mom: Shaddup and deal.
son: Mommy, Mommy, can I wear a bra now? I'm 16..
mom: Shut up Albert....
son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't like this spaghetti!
mom: Shutup or I'll rip the veins outta yer other arm!!!
son: Mummy, Mummy, Sally won't come skipping with me.
mom: Don't be cruel dear, you know it makes her stumps bleed.
son: Mummy, Mummy, what's for dinner?
mom: Shut up and get back in the oven.
son: Mommy, Mommy, why do other kids tell me I have a big
head?
mom: Don't worry. Take your cap and go get me 40 lbs of
potatoes at the store.
son: Mommy, Mommy, why do other kids tell me I have a long
nose?
mom: You don't, but lift your head up or you'll scrape the
floor.
son: Mommy, Mommy, what's a vampire?
mom: Shut up, kid, and drink your soup before it clots!
son: Mommy, Mommy, what's a werewolf?
mom: Shut up, kid, and go comb your face
son: Mommy, mommy, are you sure this is how to learn to swim?
mom: Shut up and get back in the sack!
son: Mommy, Mommy, Why has daddy got his Knob in the bread
bin?
mom: Ignore him son, He's fucking crackers!
son: Mommy, Mommy! How come sis gets to watch TV and I can't?
mom: Shutup or I'll cut your ears off too!
son: Mommy, mommy, I don't want any more hamburger!
mom: Shut up and stick your arms back into the meat grinder.
son: Mummy, Mummy, I don't like grandma.
mom: Well leave her on the side of your plate then.
son: Mommy, Mommy, Auntie threw up and Sis is getting all of
the BIG pieces!
son: Mommy, Mommy, don't push to the elevator
shAAAAAAAFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTT!
son: Mommy, Mommy, are you sure this is the right way to cook
Beijing Duck?"
mom: Shuddup and close the microvawe oven door behind you!
son: Mommy, mommy, what's a nymphomaniac?
mom: Shut up kid and help me get granny off the doorknob.
son: Mummy, mummy, what's an orgasm?
mom: I don't know dear, ask your father.
daughter: Daddy daddy what is queer?
dad: Shuddap and unhook my bra.
daughter: Mommy, Mommy! Why don't I have a big thing like
Daddy's between my legs?
mom: You will when you're older, dear!
- Mommy! Mommy! I don't wanna see grandpa!
- Shut up, and keep digging.
- Mommy Mommy! I'm getting dizzy!
- Shutup, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
- Mommy Mommy! I hate daddy!
- Shaddup, and keep eating.
- Did you hear about the new german microwave?
- It seats 6.
Now, I know that this cannot be all of them, considering how some have grumped
about the age of these jokes. So, if anyone can think of any others, please
post them!
english.75dejanr,
It is a well know fact that;
as the limit of brains mutliplied by beauty approaches infinity, availability
approaches zero.
This has been proved time and time again, and is also backed up by another
theory:
Brains is inversely proportional to beauty.
Which shows that there isn't a snow balls hope in Hell that you will find
a beatiful female with brains.
But I am not your usual male, I have managed to find 3 beautiful young women
and they all have brains.
From
ULTRAMAN.
english.76dejanr,
why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?
he slipped.
why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
monkey see, monkey do.
why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
peer pressure.
english.77dejanr,
American beer is like making love in a canoe.
(It is fucking close to water.)
english.78dejanr,
===========================
>Q: What exactly is Jewish language??
>A: If I put Hebrew instead of "Jewish language" in that joke, it's harder to
> understand. The easier a joke is to understand, the funnier it is.
Oh.. So that explains everything...
OBJOKE: a Sri-Lankan version of a popular joke (thanks Gihan)
Background: Some time ago, India sent its army to Sri Lanka supposedly to
protect the Tamil people and supposedly at the invitation of SL Govt. They
numbered ~50,000 at the peak of the "invasion" and pulled out after suffering
heavy losses.
So there is this three fellows traveling on a train in Sri Lanka. One guy
pulls out a bottle of scotch, takes a sip and throws the rest away complaining
that they don't make good scotch as they used to. Needless to say, others are
dismayed at this and asks why he threw away such an expensive bottle of
liquor. He replies saying that he s from Britain and that theres plenty of
scotch there.
Not to be out done, the second guy pulls out a bar of cheese, (cheese
is expensive in SL) nibbles it and throws the rest away saying that its no
good. He explains his actions saying that he from America and that there's
plenty of cheese there.
After some time, the first two guys ask the third, his country of
origin. He replies "I'm from India".
===========================
I have had a few questions E-Mailed to me, that I haven't had time to answer
yet because of all the "fan" mail I've been getting. I thought I'd do it in
the public forum.
Q: Whatzaknat?
A: A knat is a little flying insect that is identical to a gnat. Hey, I'm a
EE if I could spell, they might promote me.
Q: Did you know that Jack Daniels is bourbon, not scotch?
A: No, I drink beer and tequila. Sorry for the Liquor boo-boo. Hey that
reminds
me of a joke. How do the French women hold their "liquor"???
By the ears!!
Q: What exactly is Jewish language??
A: If I put Hebrew instead of "Jewish language" in that joke, it's harder to
understand. The easier a joke is to understand, the funnier it is.
Q: How much did you pay Fleischer to write that article about you (ENZOBO) ???
A: This will amaze you, but this guys office has been less than fifty feet
from
mine for lord knows how long. I have never met him, spoken to him, I don't
even know what he looks like and I have never heard his name spoken in 6
years at this job. He seems to have learned about me, because he sits near
a few people I converse with regularly. That article was a complete shock
coming from him.
Q: Hey Rambob, what city do you connect to the net at??
A: I program firmware for a company near Cleveland, Ohio.
Q: How long have you been stealing jokes from Andrew Dice Clay and his album
(DICE)?
A: I admit to stealing jokes from just about everyone else, but in all honesty
I have never heard of this dude.
Q: Why do you post jokes that are so offensive, to so many groups??
A: These are jokes that I hear around where I work and play. They are a cross
section of American humor and if the only place you hear this type of humor
is on rec.humor, you lead a sheltered life. I don't target any specific
group for my jokes and do not want to humiliate anyone. I only want to make
you people LAUGH, not a giggle, not a polite laugh, but an all out belly
laugh the comes from the depths of your souls. Putting the amount of
material I post on rec.humor is not easy, but I think you jokesters out
there are worth it.
===========================
A man dies and goes to heaven. He is being guided around heaven by St. Peter
who explains to the man that heaven is a series of huge rooms, with all the
people of a certain religion, all staying in the same room. As they pass a
door to one of these rooms, St. Peter explains "In this room are all the
Protestants". They pass another and Peter says "And in this room are all of
the Catholics". This goes on a while until they reach the last door, where
Peter puts his finger to his mouth and says "Shhhhh. Be very, very quiet when
you walk by this last door, All of the Baptists are in there, and they think
they're the only ones up here."
===========================
Sirs,
As is well known, Mozart died before completing the entire score of his
last work, Requiem. Completion of the work was done by Sussmayr in
1793, but there has always been question of how Mozart himself would
have finished the work. Luckily, a copy of Mozart's score was found
recently in our basement that details the completed score. We present
it here in its entirety.
(NOTE: Apparently, the Requiem was not written for the wife of Count
Walsegg-Stuppach as previously thought, but for one Count Wilhelm the
Bloated (also known as Wilhelm the Stenchmeister) after he was run-down
in the street by Mozart's horse while he was strolling with his wife,
Eva the Obscenely Fat. The couple were well known in Austria for their
ability to break prolonged wind, stink up even the roomiest concert
halls, and consume massive amounts of other people's food. Wilhelm died
in 1792, and not a moment too soon for most people.)
I. Introitus:
Oh God, we entrust this poor bastard to you
Because none of us want him hanging here around any longer
Least of which, me, as he has bummed many ducats from my purse
And never paid them back -- the great fucking sot!
Please let him rot in Hell for eternity for this.
II. Introitus Interruptus
Oh yes!
OH YES!
OH GOD THIS IS GREAT!
OH YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!!!
MORE!
Ah Ah AH! AH!! AH!!!
YES! YES! I'M GOING TO . . .
COME BACK HERE!
GOTT-EN-HIMMEL!
COME BACK HERE!
I'M NOT DONE YET!
COME --
Damn.
Fucking sheep . . .
III. Appologem
Oh Lord, close the Pearly Gates,
Because here comes a right bastard.
I'm sorry that he's coming your way,
But it can't be helped.
Had he not waddled his fat ass in front of my horse
He might still be with us
And not stinking up Paradise
But he did,
And he isn't,
And he is,
So there.
I'm also sorry about the bit of naughtiness with the Berlin All
Prepubescent Girl's Choir.
I'm also also sorry about carving "Wagner Sucks Shit!" in the fat
backside of that lad from the Vienna Boy's Choir.
I've already apologized to Herr Wagner for this.
Forgive me these trespasses,
But Salieri's done much worse.
Much MUCH worse.
In fact, he's been a total sot.
See to it that he rots in Hell too.
Next slime on an almost new Star Trek -- The Next Generation . . .
--------------------------------
Wesley tests positive for DRUGS!
Wesley: I never!
Picquard: It says here you tested positive for amphetamines, LSD,
cocaine, psilocybin, morphine, barbiturates, bufotoxin, thorazine,
methedrone, ritalin, benzedrine, adrenochrome . . .
Wesley: But it doesn't say anything about pot!
Picquard: . . . and POT! So much so, in fact, that three interns were
caught smoking your urine. And they were quite fucked up, according to
Doctor Crusher!
Wesley: Killer!
Picquard: You're dismissed from your station! You will either be flushed
into space or sit in the same room with Pat Buchanan while he explains
the positive contributions that Richard Nixon gave to democracy.
Wes: SHRRRRIIIIEEEEK! SPACE!! SPACE!! FLUSH ME OUT INTO SPACE!!!!!! (wail!)
(blubber!)
Picquard: Wail? Blubber?
Wes: WHALE BLUBBER! It'sa JOKE! Don'tcha git it, son?! What are ya, ah
say what are ya, DENSE?! Now where's that cotton-pickin' dog gone to
now? AW-LA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-LA-LA AW-DO-DAH! DO-DAW!
Yes kids -- poor Wesley has fallen victim to drugs and now thinks he's
Foghorn Leghorn. This happens to millions of kids on a daily basis. God
it's horrible! Just look what drugs did to some of these famous people. . .
W. Churchill -- "Let them say that this, ah say this, was their finest hour!
J. Kennedy -- "So I say with pride Ich Ien Berlineer. Ahh Do-DAH! Do-DAH!"
There's thousands more examples like these, but laws pertaining to the
honesty of claims made during a broadcast forbids us from showing them.
So remember kids, if you know someone doing drugs, be it your best
friend, or your parents, or even your grandparents, just put a .45 to
their head and end their miserable existence.
Thank you
(cue National Anthem and films of A-10's blowing up tanks)
This message paid for by the William Bennet/Lyndon LaRuche/Pat-The-Fat-
Fucking-Goose-Stepping-Swine-Buchanan Fund for Drug Education. Helping make
the world safe for right wing, neo-nazi scum for the last 20 years.
(see if there's any way around that part.)
This is PBS -- TV worth watching!
THAT'S RIGHT! It IS TV worth WATCHING! And how much is it WORTH to YOU?!
Y'know Big Brother ain't coughin' up the bucks for Masterpiece Theater
anymore! We gotta depend on cheapskates like YOU to keep these fine programs
on the air!
Now we got a favorite from Sesame Street here. It's our old friend Big Bird.
AND I'M GONNA WASTE THE FUCKER IF WE DON'T START GETTING SOME GODDAMN
PLEDGES IN HERE NOW!!! $300 bucks and I let the bird live! Otherwise there's
gonna be brains and feathers everywhere! . . . No takers? BYE-BYE BIRDY!
[BANG!]
[THUD!]
Oh look who we have HERE! It's Fred Rogers of Mister Roger's
Neighborhood! HE'S DEAD-FUCKING-MEAT IF I DON'T HEAR A PLEDGE FOR $250! I
don't hear them goddamn PHONES! Can you say EXIT WOUND, Freddy?! I'LL BET
YOU CAN!
[BANG!]
[THUD!]
Carl Sagan probably has the best mind in America today. AND IT'S GONNA
BE SPREAD ACROSS THE BACK OF THE STUDIO IF YOU FUCKERS DON'T START FORKIN'
OVER THE CASH! I ain't hearin' the pledges for BILLIONS and BILLIONS, you
assholes! You're goin' on a little journey there Carl . . .
[BANG!]
[THUD!]
Probably the best loved actors of the Doctor Who series is Tom Baker.
I'M GONNA SEND THIS FUCKER BACK TO BRITAIN IN A BODY-BAG UNLESS ONE OF YOU
CHINTZY BASTARDS STARTS SHELLING OUT! I don't see that pledge total going up!
[RIIIIING!]
Hello? What? A THOUSAND DOLLARS!? Okay, I'll let him live. Thank you for
your pledge, and your $1000 Club membership prize, the lovely box of
thumbtacks, is coming in the mail.
[CLICK]
Well, that ends this pledge break. We now return to Reading Rainbow.
Now on KVIE Channel 6:
READING RAINBOW!
----------------
With the esteemed Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
(who has promised not to swear)
(much)
So people ask me,
"Hey Hunter -- how do ya pick up chicks?"
By the asshole!
Listen, I wanna talk about that fat swine, Buchan- WAIT A MINUTE! HEY!
LEGGO! WE HAD AN AGREEMENT!! LEGGO GODDAMNIT! I'M A FAMOUS DOCTOR OF FUCKIN'
JOURNALISM, YOU ACID-CRAZED SACKS OF PUS!!! FUCKING PUBLIC TELEVISION HAS NO
BALLS ANYMORE! COME ON, LEGGO! I BETTER GET A CHECK, YOU BASTARDS! I --
[SLAM!]
Now on KVIE Channel 6:
READING RAINBOW!
----------------
With the esteemed LeVar Burton
(Who would never even DREAM of saying any of those awful things that nasty
Dr. Thompson said, lest he lose the "Next Generation" gig.)
(much)
So a friend asks me,
"Hey Geordy -- how do you pick up space chicks?"
"Simple Wesley," I said. "By the asshole!"
I wanna talk about that fat swine, Buchan- GIT OFF ME! HEY! GIMME THE
GODDAMN VISOR BACK! YOU TREACHEROUS BASTARDS! GIMME THE FUCKIN' VISOR! COME
BACK HERE! DATA?! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?! Wes? Will? Beverly? ANYBODY?!
HELLLL-LO! Anyone there?! Damn, I feel like Ray Charles . . .
Seven Reasons Why You Shouldn't Buy Things From Door-to-Door Salesmen
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[Knock-Knock] [Knock-Knock]
[click]
[creeeak]
Old crone: 'ullo?
Salesman: 'ello Graham! I'm a door-to-door salesman.
OC: Go away!
SM: Did you know there are seven reasons you shouldn't buy things from door-
to-door salesmen?
OC: I don't care!
SM: Well these are seven VERY important reasons, Mum.
OC: Shove off!
SM: More than most people realize!
OC: What are these reasons, then?
SM: Well, you have to buy this 'ere book to find out.
OC: 'ere! That's a cheat! I'm not buyin' that!
SM: You'll never know the reasons then . . .
OC: I 'adn't thought of that. Let me 'ear one of them.
SM: Well . . . they might not be British salesmen. They might be French!
OC: THE BASTARDS!
SM: Yus Mum! Boozey Frenchmen wot come across the Channel with their cheese
and wine and froggy ideas about mans' place in the universe, spreadin'
filth and going on and on and on about Marcell Marso and Jock Crewsto and
not really knowing anything about bombing peaceful vessels anchored in
neutral waters . . .
OC: Worse than Communists!
SM: Much worse, Mum!
OC: Worse than Germans?
SM: Not by a fucking longshot.
OC: YOU might be French!
SM: Oui' . . .
OC: WOT!??
SM: Nothing, Mum.
OC: You just spoke FRENCH!
SM: No no! I'm sure you are mistaken, Madame . . .
OC: YOU DID IT AGAIN!
SM: No such thing . . .
OC: YOU ARE FRENCH!
SM: Ssssssssssh!
OC: GREAT FROGGY ALERT, GIRLS!
The woman downstairs: Give 'im Plan 9, Gladys!
OC: Right-ho! HEAVE!
[picks up hapless froggy and chucks him down 18 flights of stairs.]
OC: TAKE THAT YOU SWINE!
[slams door]
YES! Another victory over the French! This one was by Mrs. Gunshotwound in
Bournsmouth, but you could be our next home-town hero by flattening
offending froggies whereever they may hide! Here's how you can help!
REMEMBER:
1) Stay away from Quebec!
2) Avoid wine -- drink plenty of Bass & COs. Pale Ale.
3) Occasional masturbation is not a sign of mental weakness.
4) The French are very dim. Lure them into alleys with stinking hunks of
goat cheese and bludgeon them senseless.
5) Should you encounter an explosives laden froggy, remind him you are not a
Greenpeace vessel and he'll slink away.
6) Never let a frenchy feel your genitals.
Just remember those simple facts and you'll help keep England forever French
free!
(Cue: God Save the Queen)
(fade)
And now on BBC 2:
The Voice of America News.
-------------------------
Pre-sented this eve-en-ning by the Right Honorable Justice Ken P. Conartist.
[slightly dotty, over-blown male's voice.): Good evening all you Limeys out
there. This is Mr. Apricot . . . CONARTIST! speaking to you tonight on the
Voice of America. We are here to inform you, the British listener, that all
those lies you hear about America just aren't true. There are many well made
American cars. Reagan did many things RIGHT during his presidency, too! And
gangs of insane youth toting automatic weapons do not roam the streets of
our larger cities randomly shooting people. Much. Furthermore . . .
[* c-r-a-c-k-! *]
[WAH-BOOOOHMPH! -thud!-]
[* C-R-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-C-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-L-L-L-L-L-E-E-E-E!! *]
[control room voice]: Oh Christ, what's happened to 'im now?
[floor manager]: Hit by lightening! Kilt 'im dead!
CM: That's THREE in the last bloody week!
FM: What's doin' it, then?
Announcer: "What's doin' it?", indeed! Why, it's the . . .
-*- N E W -*-
W R A T H
O'
G O D
Personal Protection Substance
YES! All the power of Jehovah packed into this tiny 3 ounce can! Yet it can
stop attackers in an instant and it hunts down perverts and gives 'em wot's
comin'!
[cut to real prim, uptight, stick-up-the-ass type woman holding can out at
arm's length and firing it.]
[cut to Arab masturbating over a camel (not the cigarette) in the desert.
Lightning zaps up from over the horizon, nails him in the ass and blows him
to hell. Camel chews cud.]
God: That'a'way, Maggie! Now about getting this Poll Tax thing through . . .
-*- N E W -*-
W R A T H
O'
G O D
Stops Attackers,
Kills Perverts.
What more could a Republican want?
=========================
[Two women standing in supermarket aisle.]
Woman 1: Ya know Butch, I wish I was as smart as Dan Quayle. I mean, he was
just a hometown kid who became Vice President. Not to mention his important
new role as Chief Asteroid Watcher. He's just so smart!
Woman 2: Well now you can, Bob! With the new Dan Quayle Home Lobotomy Kit,
you can be as smart as our beloved Vice President in a snap. Includes
needles, cutting wire and a 220v "Skull Fuck" brand power drill! Just drill
these 4 small holes, insert the cutting wire with the needle, and PULL!
Walla! That troublesome ol' frontal cortex is gone and you're as bright as
Dan Quayle. Maybe even BRIGHTER!
Woman 1: I'll get that!
Announcer: Yes, the Dan Quayle Home Lobotomy Kit is available at finer K-
MARTS and Walco's.
-----
(C) 1990 Yucks For You, Inc.
Comments & Flames to Author:
{ ucbvax ! uunet }!ucdavis!spked!sactoh0!smb (Mike Beebe)
Mailing List Requests: smbancroft@ucdavis.edu (Steven Bancroft)
All Back-issues are available by E-mail request from smbancroft@ucdavis.edu
or by anonymous ftp from bikini.cis.ufl.edu [128.227.224.1] in directory
/pub/mikesmad. Many Thanks to Eric Johnson (@ufl.edu) for all his work
in keeping the Madnesses up for ftp. "Thanks Eric!"
english.79dejanr,
ALICE in DIGITALand
"Where am I?" asked Alice, as she peered at the large 7-lettered sign
with the standard blue letters.
"You're in Digitaland," replied the security guard, "May I see your
badge?"
"I don't have a badge."
"Did you lose it?"
"No." answered Alice in a puzzled tone. "How could I lose something I
never had?"
"If it's not lost then you must show it to me."
"I can't. I don't have one."
"Then you'll have to have a temporary."
"A temporary what?" asked Alice, more confused then ever.
"A temporary Badge. What's your badge number?" requested the guard.
"I don't have one"
"Of course not, Ken Olsen has 1. Give me your badge number, and your
cost center"
"I'm so confused. I can't do this. I've already said 3 times why. Do I
have to tell you 4?"
"Ahhh. 3XY, badge number 4. You must be very important to have such
a low badge number. I should have immediately recognized how low by your
state of extreme confusion. Here's your temporary. Go right on in."
Alice pasted the sticky paper to her dress and headed down the hall. Not
10 feet ahead she saw a rather distressed looking rabbit coming toward
her. He was dressed in a pair of torn, faded jeans, and a dirty tee
shirt.
"What's wrong?" Alice asked.
"I'm late! I'm late!" exclaimed the rabbit as he peered at the pert chart
dangling from his pocket protector.
"Late for what?" asked Alice.
"My date. I'm going to miss my date. I've got a deadline to meet and
I'm not going to make it."
"Well, if it's already dead, it probably won't mind. In fact it isn't
likely to be going too far in such a state. I'm sure that however long
you take will be just fine."
"You obviously don't understand. Everything takes longer than it really
does. It doesn't matter what you are doing, only that you meet your
date, and that's always impossible."
"Well if its impossible, why would anyone expect you to meet it?" Almost
at once regretting that she had asked. Was this was going to be as
confusing as badges?
"Its really very simple. In order to move forward, you need a goal. Any
goal will do. It just has to be impossible to do. To motivate the
troops, you have to make goals very challenging. Its really only there
to get a stake in the ground, you know. After that we march in step
until we reach our objective. The date really doesn't mean anything.
You simple have to understand that we are going to do the right thing."
"But the if the goal is impossible, and really doesn't mean anything why
are you trying to go there. Wouldn't it be simpler to first figure out
what you are really going to do, then figure out how to get there?"
"You obviously don't understand the process. And as I said before I'm
late so there is obviously only one thing to do."
"Hurry up and rush off?" Alice asked, hoping it would sound more like a
suggestion than a question.
"No. No. No. A meeting. Let find the Mad Manager and a number of
involved, interested, or warm bodies."
"That will obviously take a lot of time. I don't think you have any to
waste.
"No it won't. All we have to do is find a conference room. There are
lots of them right over here."
"But," started Alice, "those rooms are all full of people. Don't we
need an empty conference room?"
"Silly thought. If we want to find the Mad Manager and some meeting
attendees, why would we look in an empty conference room? Anyway, its
impossible to ever find an empty conference room."
The rabbit took Alice by the hand, and promptly lead her into the
largest, fullest conference room. Alice immediately noticed that the
wastebasket was quite full of foam cups, and overhead projector bulbs.
These people had obviously been here for a long time.
At the head of the table sat a man with a rather funny suit wearing a
large hat.
"Why" whispered Alice to the rabbit, "is that man wearing that funny hat?
Who is he?"
"I'm the Mad Manager," answered the man at the end of the table,
obviously overhearing the question, " And I'll be happy to tell you why
I'm wearing this Hat, but that topic is not on the agenda."
"Why don't we change the agenda?" asked a person in the corner.
"Is that a topic for another meeting?" replied the manager.
"Is what a topic for another meeting?" voiced a third. "The reason for
the hat, or why we don't change the agenda?"
"Why don't we take this off line?" queried another.
"Does everyone agree that these are all topics we should address?" asked
the mad manager.
"Possibly so. " injected the person in the corner. "Could it be that we
have a hidden agenda?"
"Oh no!" the Mad Manager began, the dismay obvious on his face, "someone
has hidden the agenda again! Let me put on my process hat and we'll see
if we can work this issue."
With that, he removed his rather amusing top hat, and place a big green
fedora on his head.
"Now, with my process hat on, I'd like to address the issue of the hidden
agenda. Since we can't have a productive meeting without an agenda, it
is up to all of us to find it."
"But, " a voice from the corner piped in, "who is going to drive this
issue?"
"Do we have an action item here?" asked another attendee.
"Does anyone here want to work this?" asked the mad manager.
"Who originally brought this up?" asked another.
"I believe that the woman who came in with the rabbit proposed this.
Shouldn't she own it?"
"Well" the Manager stated, pointing to Alice. "I'd say that this is your
issue."
"What issue. I don't have any issues. " retorted Alice, nervously
fingering her temporary badge. "I only posed a simple question."
"I'm not sure we can accept that," the manager declared. "We need a
date."
"But, " Alice began, remembering what the rabbit told her about dates,
"a date is impossible."
>From the back of the room another voice asked, "How about a date for a
date?"
"The least we can ask it that you give us a date when you will be able to
give us the date for the date." stated the person in the corner.
"I'm not sure I can do that," Alice opened, "since I don't know what I'm
supposed to give you a date for. I'm having a problem trying to figure
out what you want me to do."
"We don't have any problems here, only opportunities!" Piped a chorus of
voices.
"It's really quite obvious," the mad manager declared as he reached
behind him for a striped blue and gray beret, "let me put on my Digital
hat for a moment," he continued doffing the fedora and flipping on his
latest selection, "You must do the right thing."
"Yes. yes. " chimed the chorus of attendees, "Do the right thing.
"Now, who is keeping the minutes?" the manager asked as he pitched the
beret and placed the fedora back on his head. "We need to record this
action item so we can come back to it later."
"We obviously can't deal with this issue until we can determine whose
meeting this is?"
"Should we schedule some time to cover that topic?" asked one of the
attendees.
"Whose going to drive this?" asked another.
Just at the Mad Manager was pulling out a rather worn pith helmet, a
voice in the back suggested "Let's take a break and work some of this 1x1
off line"
Being closest to the door Alice was the first to leave. She quickly
dashed down the hall, and ran up the first flight of stairs she
encountered, relieved to be free of the madness.
When she opened the door the scene that confronted her made her wonder if
returning to the meeting wasn't a bad idea. Seated around a large oval
table were what appeared to be playing cards, each dressed in a gray or
navy blue three piece suit. Around each neck was a rather oddly shaped
handle (or were they nooses?) made of silk, or polyester.
"Off with her head!" screamed the queen of hearts who was sitting at the
head of the table. Alice noticed that her tie was silk, and each card
seated near her was dressed in a suit and noose combination similar to
the queen's.
"Why would you want to remove my head?" Alice asked. By now she was
feeling beyond confused.
"It's not a modern, iconic, user friendly, menu driven, color, PC
compatible user interface," replied the queen, in a tone that would need
to come up two notches to be vaguely considered condescending.
"It happens to suit me just fine," retorted Alice.
"What are you an engineer or something?" asked the 7 of spades.
"No, I'm Alice. Who are you?"
"Marketing." they replied in perfect fifty-two part harmony.
"And what is that?" asked Alice.
There was a brief interlude of silence as each of the cards fidgeted with
their ties, checked their watches and scribbled notes on the pads of
paper contained in a handsome genuine imitation leather folder embossed
with the company logo. Then one by one, as dominoes would do, they
turned to the person on the left until they all stared at the queen of
hearts.
The queen cleared her throat, adjusted her tie a second time and stared
directly at Alice. "We provide the strategic thinking necessary to grow
the business."
"Oh," said Alice, "you figure out what products to build!"
"Heavens, no!" exclaimed the Queen, "That's too tactical. We feel its our
job to develop the vision for the long term."
"You develop things," began Alice, "so you build the products?"
In unison each member of the table made a face reminiscent of the look a
small child gets upon tasting spoiled dead roaches for the first time.
"Uggggh, that's even more tactical," jeered the chorus.
"No! No!" shouted the Queen. "You still do not understand. We take the
pulse of the key market leaders demand curve."
"I see now." said Alice, "You sell the products."
By now the chorus of cards chanting "Tac-ti-cal! Tac-ti-cal!" was
becoming too much.
The queen was furious and repeated her original greeting. "Off with her
head! Off With her head"
"WAIT!" demanded Alice. "I believe I understand. You are all responsible
for driving the solution opportunities for the key client supply
perceptions through strategic vision management!"
Alice wondered if she should add something about the claws catching, and
frumious bandersnatches and thought that she'd best leave it at that
before she became ill.
"Yes," screamed the cards, "That's exactly right!"
"And how, might I ask, do you accomplish these lofty and important goals?"
"By calling a BOD," the queen responded.
"And what, pray tell, might that be?" inquired Alice as she looked for
the quickest escape route, hoping that this jabber would keep her head
attached long enough to get out.
"A Board of Directors", began the queen, just as Alice noticed the door
to the left of the table. "Its a type of high level meeting."
"A meeting????!!!!" exclaimed Alice. "Not another meeting!" With that
she bolted for the door, no longer fearing for her head. Her only hope
was that she make it through before the agenda hit the overhead. In a
dead run, she passed through the door just as the projector lamp flicked
on. The sound of the fan was the last sound to fade as the door closed.
Breathlessly she looked up to see a large open area. Directly in front of
her was an enclosed area lined on one side with triple chrome table. A
stack of plastic trays was at the foyer.
As she wandered through an assortment of sandwiches, prepared foods,
soft drinks and salad began their daily spiel. "Eat Me! Drink Me! Eat
Me!"
"Oh no," answered Alice, "I may know nothing about dates, and problems and
meetings and agendas, and marketing and badges, but I do know food. I'm
not gonna touch any of you. After the morning I've had I deserve a nice
cheese steak (no lettuce)!"
With that, Alice opened the nearest exit door and left. A resounding
high pitched whine sang its midday good-byes as Alice returned to the real
world.
===========================
George: ... and here's a book on Trigonometry. You don't even
know what that means.
Gracie: Oh, I do so. Now take it by syllables. First comes
"trigo", that's a horse. And then comes "nom", that's
French for name. And last "etry", you know what that
is. So "Trigonometry" is a book about a French horse
up a tree.
----------------------------------------------------
Old Letterman's "USA Today Poll" --- 3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of
the population.
----------------------------------------------------
"Honey, there's a salesman at the door with a mustache!"
"Tell him I've already got one."
----------------------------------------------------
This one's attributed to Groucho Marx.
"Hey Groucho, the garbageman is at the door."
"Tell him I don't want any."
----------------------------------------------------
Summer: long days, warm sun, good books. Here's to it!
There are some people who read too much: the bibliobibuli. I know some
who are constantly drunk on books, as other men are drunk on whiskey
or religion.
They wander through this most diverting and stimulating of worlds in a haze,
seeing nothing and hearing nothing.
--H.L. Mencken
A house without books is like room without windows.
-- Horace Mann
All that Mankind has done, thought, gained or been, it is lying as in magic
preservation in the pages of books. They are the choicest possessions of men.
-- Thomas Carlyle
La vrai disette, c'est l'absence de livres.
Real poverty is lack of books.
-- Colette
When I speak of being in contact with my books, I mean it literally. I like
to be able to lean my head against them . . . .
-- Leigh Hunt
All good books are alike in that they are truer than if they had really
happened
. . . .
--Ernest Hemingway
Whenever they burn books they will also, in the end, burn human beings.
--Heinrich Heine
For hym was levere have at his beddes heed
Twenty bookes, clad in blak or reed,
Of Aristotle and his philosphie,
Than robes riche, or fithele, or gay sautrie,
But al be that he was a philsophre,
Yet hadde he but litel gold in cofre.
-- Geoffrey Chaucer
===========================
Where do you find out how heavy a pie is?
Somewhere over the rainbow. (..weigh a pie..)
Where do you find out how heavy a whale is?
At the whale-weigh station.
english.80dejanr,
>>>>>>> Harvey News Network <<<<<<<<
Food & Entertainment
Corner
An Evening At Chuck 'N' Suck
On a recent Friday evening, this culinary reporter paid a visit
to one of the area's most noted eating establishments. Located in
cozy Beaver Grove, the main dining room is spacious and overlooks
Highway 41 and a gulley out back. While waiting for a specially
prepared meal, guests may order from the bar and watch Elmer, the
restaurants' neighbor, cut and split his winter wood, critique his
technique and be thankful they are not out there.
Walking through the front entrance one is immediately struck
with the pleasantness of the surroundings. Being family night,
children were getting their suckers for free. Several families
made the most of this once-in-a-lifetime experience by scaling
their own fish in preparation for the meal. I was greeted at the
front door by the owner, Louie Fateeny, a large, friendly
man who laughed alot, who gripped your hand when he said hello
and you knew he meant it. "It's been a quiet night", he stated.
"We had one guy down for a while earlier -- choked on a fishbone --
but the waitress hit him on the back and he threw up and he's OK
now." Louie said it was nothing like Pike night last week.
"Heck you shoulda seen it, they were dropping like flies. 'Got
a good deal on the Pike but I'll never serve 'em again." It seems
the bones cause a good deal of trouble and can be a source
of unpleasantness. "Even the band had to stop playing -- people were
dropping all over on the dance floor -- it was crazy." Louie said,
shaking his head.
The menu boasts several selections of local fish. It was difficult
to decide, but I finally settled on baked trout. I also remembered
something that Steve had said a while back, when commenting on a
poem I had written, that he liked the scansion. I had never known
what they had to do with my poem, but I decided to try them just to
see what the fuss was about. So I ordered trout with a side order
of scansion. My table was set. "I see the man who used this glass
before I did had big hands." I said. They marveled at my ESP. No,
"I can still his finger prints all over the glass." The coffee
was awful. "So, I'm your waitress", she said. "You got a strong
stomach?" I begged her pardon? "I mean, you ever ate here before?
Look, I got a degree in CPR and this kit in case you stop breathin'.
You ain't never ate here before have you?" I told her no, I had
not, but was looking forward to it. "Well, suit yerself. You're
either awful brave or awful stupid. Let's get goin', then."
The lettuce salad was fine until I noticed that the lettuce had
not been checked for bugs or worms. I simply cannot explain to you
how I came to discover this truth. The soup was enjoyable. While
at the salad bar, I was comforted by the speed and efficiency at
which the local ambulance personnel worked over a little lady who
gasped and grabbed her throat midway through her shish-ka-bob'ed
sucker delight. They quickly and carefully drug her out of the way
so the rest of us could continue with the salad bar. Louie motioned
to me not to worry -- no big deal. At long last my trout came, just
as Elmer finished splitting his wood. There it was -- a lake trout,
sitting there, grinning at me. Like it knew what went on back
in the kitchen and was I in for a surprise. For the first time that
night I felt weak, my legs trembly. I thought about big Louie's
Pike night. Remembered the little lady grabbing at her throat.
Out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of Louie, watching me.
An attendant stood by and as he leaned on the bar his hand rested
on an oxygen tank. My mind flashed. The Elvis story! I had forgotten
to finish the write-up on my findings. I had to go! This meal would
have to wait! Throwing a $20 bill on the table, I headed for the
door. Big Louie caught up with me, "Somethin' wrong?" he said. "No,
I just remembered something I forgot to do!" I said. "You'll come
back again?" asked Louie. "Yeh, sure, I'll be back. I'll let you
know." And the door slammed behind me. Out in the chilly evening
air once more, the smell of fresh cut wood, sawdust, oil and gas
enveloped me and strength returned to my legs.
Maybe some other time.
Remember, the number to call for reservations is 1-800-SUCKERS.
>>> Harvey News Network End Feed <<<
===========================
Here is something I found posted at a local FBO that I thought was
pretty humorous because I am expanding my pilots license from a private
to a commercial with an instrument rating.
Enjoy,
Tim
-----------
Tim Peiffer peiffer@cs.umn.edu or
Computer Science Dept ..!rutgers!umn-cs!peiffer
University of Minnesota
MPLS MN 55455
Instrument Flying for Animal Lovers:
Having detailed the concept of attitude control, there is
another method which you may prefer. For reasons that will become
apparent, it is recommended for those pilots whose airplanes have
large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as the "Cat and Duck Method" of
instrument flight, it has received much publicity and is considered to
have a great deal of merit by those who have not tried it. No reports
have been received from those who did try it, and none are expected.
Pilots are invited to assess its merits objectively.
Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly
will known and are extremely simple. Here's how it's done:
1. Place a live cat on the cockpit floor; because a cat always
remains upright. it can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely
watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and
if so, which one.
2. The duck is used for instrument approach and landing. Because
of the fact that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument
conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane
and follow it to the ground.
There are some limitations to the Cat and Duck Method, but by
rigidly adhering to the following checklist, a degree of success will
be achieved which will surely startle you, your passengers, and even
an occasional tower operator.
1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at
all. It may be necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep
the cat at attention.
2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their
time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a
tight snap roll followed by an inverted spin.
3. Use old cats only. Young cats have nine lives, but old,
used-up cats with only one life left have just as much to lose as you
do and will be more dependable.
4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are
using the cat to stay upright, it will refuse to leave without the
cat. Ducks are no better in IFR conditions than you are.
5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks
sometimes fail to realize that they are on the guages and go flogging
off in the nearest hill. Very nearsighted ducks will not realize that
they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting
position. This maneuver is difficult to follow in an airplane.
6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out
and find yourself on final for a rice paddy, particularly if there are
duck hunters around. Duck hunters suffer from temporary insanity
while sitting in freezing weather in the blinds and will shoot at
anything that flies.
7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with
geese because many water birds look alike. While they are very
competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same
direction as you. If your duck heads off for Canada or Mexico, you
can be sure you have been given the goose.
english.81dejanr,
>How can you tell when a woman is wearing pantyhose??
>When she farts, her knees bag!!!!!
Man: Honey, if I'd a known you were a virgin, I would've taken more time...
Woman: Honey, if I'd a known you had more time, I would've taken off my
panty hose.
===========================
A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of 15 year old Chivas Regal scotch.
The bartender doesn't believe the man can tell the difference between scotches
so he pours the man a glass of 5 year old Jack Daniels. The man drinks the
scotch and says this isn't Chivas Regal, its 5 year old Jack Daniels. The
bartender pours him another glass, but this time 10 year old Cutty Sark scotch.
Again, after tasting the scotch the man says this is 10 year old Cutty Sark.
The bartender gives up and pours the man what he wants. The man drinks the
scotch and says "Ah yes 15 year old Chivas Regal". A drunk has been at the end
of the bar watching the whole show and finally passes a glass of golden liquid
down to the man and says "Taste this". The man takes a sip and spits it out
saying "That tastes like piss". The drunk says "You're right, now tell me how
old I am"
Now, if I get flamed by some drunk or scotch drinker out there, I give up!!!!!!
===========================
Two, older Scotch gentlemen, McPherson and McBlarney had been friends forever.
During the wake of another friend, the two Scotts made a pact, that whoever
died
first, the surviving member of their twosome would pour a bottle of the best
Irish whiskey that they could buy, over the grave of the deceased. Within a few
years the fateful day arrives and McPherson passes away and after the wake,
funeral, and burial, a heart broken McBlarney arrives at his grave, bottle in
hand. With tears rolling down his cheeks, McBlarney looks heaven bound and
says "McPherson, I know we said that when the other one dies we would pour a
bottle of the best Irish whiskey over their grave, but do you mind if a put it
through my kidneys first".
===========================
During World War I, the United States runs out of soldiers to send to Europe,
so it must scrape the bottom of the barrel and start sending Hillbillys off to
Germany, to fight. In, Germany there is a German trench and separated by 50
yards is the American trench, filled with Hillbillys. The Germans find out that
every Hillbillys name is Billy Joe, so they call out "Hey, Billy Joe" and when
a
Hillbilly stands up and says "Yeah" they shoot him. Finally after about one
million casualtys, the Hillbillys catch on and realize that all of the German
soldiers are named Hans. So they start calling out "Hey Hans", hoping that the
German soldiers will stand up. But the Germans call back "Is that you Billy
Joe" and the Hillbillys stand up and say "Yeah". And the Germans shoot them.
There was a tall brick wall with Germans on one side and Hillbillys on the
other, in Europe. The Hillbillys would throw dynamite over the wall at the
Germans and the Germans would light it and throw it back.
Do you know, what is the West Virginia State bird????
The Fly!!!!!
english.82dejanr,
______
_/ _ _\_ The Friendly Guide to Safe Fax
( ) /_ /_ )
( )_(.)_.) )
( (c _) ) Dr. B Comfortable
( \ //\\ ) answers some of your questions
( \ `='
\__/ (credit: fax machine truncated his signature!)
Q: Do I have to be married to have fax?
A: Good Lord, no. People who hardly ever fax their husbands or
wives will spend most of their working lives faxing complete
strangers.
Q: My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and
were only allowed to write memos to each other until they
were twenty-one. Is this true?
A: Yes, but why worry about boring old twits like them?
Q: If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A: Certainly not. As far as I can see.
Q: There is a place on our street now, where you can go and pay
for fax. Is this legal?
A: Yes. Many lonely people have no other outlet for their fax
drives and must pay a "professional" when their need for fax
becomes overwhelming.
Q: What are the consequences of indiscriminate fax?
A: Very high telephone bills.
===========================
The three original founders of Canada were
sitting around trying to figure out how to
name their newly founded country, when one
of them said, "I have a great idea. Let's
put all of the letters of the alphabet into
a hat and draw one. The letters that we
each draw will spell out the name of our new
country."
Everyone agreed. So they wrote the alphabet
on a piece of paper, cut them into individual
letters, and put them in a hat.
Founder #1 pulled out a piece of paper and
exclaimed, "C, eh!"
Founder #2 pulled out a piece of paper and
exclaimed, "N, eh!"
Founder #3 pulled out a piece of paper and
exclaimed, "D, eh!"
And so today, we all know that beautiful country
north of the US as CANADA.
I guess it sounds better when told in person.
english.83dejanr,
In article <1990Sep13.184732.771@mozart.amd.com>, martin@mozart.amd.com (Martin
Schuessler) writes:
> Does anybody have a canonical list of "Why Beer is better than women" jokes ?
> The few I can remember are:
>
> 1) A frigid beer is a good beer.
> 2) You can share a beer with a friend.
> 3) You can come home with beer on your breath.
> 4) Beer labels come off without a fight.
> 5) A beer won't mind if you have another beer.
>
> Postings and/or E-mail is appreciated !
>
>
>
> --
> From: Martin Schuessler
> Organization: We used to have some, but then we were reorganized.
> ==> In any respect, standard disclaimers apply
25 reasons why beer is better than women
1> You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2> Beer stains wash out.
3> You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
4> Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car
while you play baseball.
5> When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6> Beer is never late.
7> A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8> Hangovers go away.
9> Beer labels come off with out a fight.
10> When you go into a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11> Beer never has a headache.
12> After you have had a beer, the bottle is worth 5 cents.
13> A beer wont get upset if you come home and have another beer.
14> If you pour a beer right, you'll get good head.
15> A beer always goes down easy.
16> You can have more than one beer in one night and not feel guilty.
17> You can share a beer with your freinds.
18> You always know you're the first to pop a beer.
19> Beer is always wet.
20> Beer doesn't demand equality.
21> You can have a beer in public.
22> A beer doesn't care when you come.
23> A frigid beer is a good beer.
24> You dont have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25> If you change beers, you dont have to pay alimony.
===========================
NOTE: I'm not sure who to give credit to for this joke. I got this joke
from a friend at Tandem...
Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two
of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box
with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you
think this is?"
One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said.
The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?"
The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write
a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its
position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal
black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a
16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the
heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected
from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the
heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a
working prototype."
The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of
such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into
toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is
really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more
sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast
food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A
toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the
future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years."
"With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to
the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize
this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The
specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into
toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage,
links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled
eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes."
"The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it
must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry
classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved
without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create
the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook
yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the
kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast
than to scrambled eggs."
"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has
revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast
food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived
requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with
multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get
cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required,
too."
"We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the
food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users
won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical
interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see
a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message
'Booting UNIX v. 8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out
by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a
menu and click on the foods they want to cook."
"Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design
phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the
implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard disk,
and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object
oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI,
writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had
if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a
four-bit microcontroller!)."
The king had the computer scientist thrown in the moat, and they all lived
happily ever after.
english.84dejanr,
COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS
----------------------
author unknown
- Hello, are you there?
- Yes. Who are you, please?
- I'm Watt.
- What's your name?
- Watt's my name.
- Yes, what's your name?
- My name is John Watt.
- John what?
- Yes, are you James?
- No, I'm Knott.
- Will you tell me you name then?
- Will Knott.
- Why not?
- My name is Knott.
- Not what?
- Not Watt. Knott.
- What?
===========================
A man goes to the Zoo and stops in front of the gorilla cage to play games with
the gorilla inside the cage. The man pats his head and the gorilla pats its own
head. The man scratches his arm and the gorilla scratches its own arm.
Suddenly, a knat flies in the mans right eye and he rubs his eye. The gorilla
is enraged and breaks out of the cage and beats the ever living shit out of the
man. In a hospital bed, the man is confronted by the head of the zoo who
demands
to know what he did to piss off the poor gorilla. The man describes everything
he did including the part about the knat. The Zoologist says "Holy Shit" and
tells the man that rubbing your right eye means "Fuck You" in gorilla language.
Eventually the man recovers and decides to get back at the gorilla. He buys a
large sausage and takes it and a knife to the zoo. He sticks the sausage down
his pants and goes to the gorilla cage. Standing in front of the cage, the man
pats his head the gorilla pats his own head. The man scratches his arm and the
gorilla scratches his arm. The man then unzips his pants, pulls out the sausage
through the open zipper and cuts off half with the knife. He hands the knife
to the gorilla, who smiles and rubs his right eye.
===========================
A man goes to hell and is standing in an ocean of shit up to his neck along
with billions of other lost souls. He turns to a man beside him and says "This
is terrible, what can be worse than this." The man replies "You think this is
bad, just wait until the devil drives by in his motorboat"
===========================
A man goes down to hell and the devil gives him a choice of one of three rooms
for him to spend eternity in. Once, the man decides against a room he may not
go back and change his mind. The first room is a huge ocean of Shit with
billions of people standing in it up to their necks. The man is disgusted and
says he would like to go to the next room. The devil reminds him that he may
not return to this room. The next room is a huge ocean of shit with billions of
people standing in it up to their waists. The man is again disgusted and says
the last room has got to be better than the first two. The third room is filled
with people sitting on chairs, drinking coffee and chewing gum with shit up to
their ankles. The man says this looks great and he wants to spend eternity in
this room. He grabs a chair, a cup of coffee and a stick of gum and sits down,
drinking the coffee and enjoying himself. In about fifteen minutes the devil
pokes his head in the door and yells, "Coffee breaks over, back on your heads"
===========================
A Naval task force lands at an exotic port after 6 months at sea. Hundreds of
horny sailors exit these ships and flood into town at the same time. An unlucky
sailor finally gets to go on leave about two hours after the others and wanders
around town looking for female companionship, but all of the ladys are taken by
his shipmates. He enters the last brothel in town and the Madam informs him
that the only thing left to screw is a duck. The sailor is led into a large
bedroom with one whole wall being a huge mirror and sitting on the bed is a
large, white duck. The sailor is reluctant, but his horniness wins out and he
screws the duck, finding out he actually likes it. The next evening he returns
to the brothel and requests the special bedroom with the duck and is told the
room is occupied and would he wait in the bar. He sits down at the bar and
notices a large window behind the bar and behind the window is a room where
two gay men are going at it hot and heavy. He turns to the person sitting
beside him and says "Boy, that is some interesting entertainment". The other
person replies "If you think this is great, you should have been here yesterday
watching a sailor fucking a duck"
===========================
Two white women and a black woman go to heaven and meet St. Peter at the pearly
gates. Before they enter heaven they must tell Peter how they died. St. Peter
asks the first white lady what she died of and she replies, "The Big C, Cancer"
and Peter allows her into heaven. Peter then asks the second white lady how she
died and she says "The Big T, Tuberculosis" and she is also admitted to heaven.
Finally Peter comes to the black lady and asks her how she died and she replies
"The Big V, Venereal Disease". Peter looks confused and says, "Madam nobody
dies of VD these days". The black lady replies "They do if the give it to
Leroy".
english.85dejanr,
Scene: Man and woman making out on living room floor.
Man: "You're a little dry tonight honey."
Woman: "Move UP idiot, you're licking the rug!"
===========================
Q: What do you do when you're having such great sex that your toes curl?
A: Take off the panty-hose.
===========================
Here's one that I read about recently in a humor column in a local
paper:
One would-be bank robber was a victim of his own bad timing.
The robbery was to be at a bank in Washington DC I think, near
a large FBI office, on the payday of the FBI agents. When the
ill-fated villian got to a teller and demanded money, he heard
17 federal pistols clicking behind him.
===========================
******************
Caught in the Act:
******************
Originally from the San Jose Mercury news, "News of the Weird".
If only all thieves were like this:
Paul Kuhl, 23, was arrested after robbing a Bradenton, Florida
bank in March. When he heard a police report naming him, he
called the police from a tavern to say he didn't do it,
allowing police to trace the call and arrest him.
Police arrested a 22-year-old man for theft of a
5-foot-high wheeled arc-welder in February by following the
huge tire tracks for five blocks down dirt streets of
Hutchinson, Kansas, to his garage.
Weirdo
In Kingston, Ontario, in January, a 27-year-old driver's
license applicant, fearful that she had already failed her
driver's test, began driving recklessly to terrorize the
examiner. The examiner wrested the key out of the ignition,
but the applicant began to beat the examiner with her fists
and later tried to her down down in the parking lot.
Yankee justice
Stephen Baker, 20, was hospitalized with a gunshot wound in
Vancouver, Washington in February. Accoring to a witness,
Baker had hit a man's car with a snowball from an overpass.
The man got out of this car, aimed a rifle at Baker, fired
one shot, got back in his car and sped off.
english.86dejanr,
THE TRUTH ACCORDING TO MARX
---------------------------
1) When a person's nose itches, it's a sign that it should be scratched.
2) A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going
somewhere.
3) Thirteen at a table is unlucky when the hostess has only 12 chops.
4) Singing before breakfast is a forewarning of a fight with a neighbor--
if the neighbor is trying to sleep late.
5) Throwing salt over the shoulder is likely to give the impression that
the mas who throws the salt has dandruff.
6) Finding a four-leaf clover is a sign that you have been down on your
hands and knees.
7) To get out of bed on the wrong side probably means that you have had
too much the night before.
8) To carry a rabbit's foot is a sign that you are a good shot with a
gun--or have a friend who is.
9) When three men get a light off one match it is indicative of the
fact that they have only one match or are Scotsmen.
Zgornje modre misli je izrekel Groucho na temo vrazevernosti
===========================
Merrialla was married to a well-known Hollywood producer who had sense enough
not to live in Hollywood. Still, so as not to be too far away from his job,
they owned a domecile in Glendale.
Big difference, right?
It was a cool and sunny spring morning when Merrialla looked out the window
near the smaller swimming pool and saw a gorilla climbing a tree a couple of
hundred feet from the house.
Panicky, she phoned her husband at work, crashing through three separate
layers of administrative interference (not a trivial task, even for her), and
began spewing out a babbling description of the ape in the tree.
After getting Merrialla calmed down enough to give him a coherent explanation
of What Was Going On, her husband said, "Hell, what the #*(&%?!! do I know
about gorillas? Call a gorilla remover!"
She asked if he knew the gorilla remover's phone number. Hubby replied,
"Hell, of #*(&%?!! course I don't! Look in the #*(&%?!! phone book. Hell!"
So, Merrialla got down the Greater Los Angeles Telephone Directory, Yellow
Pages Volume VI (G-H), and started looking.
Glass, golf, gophers, gorillas. There. Hmm. Gorilla costumes...gorilla
dentists...gorilla drying...gorilla hunting...gorilla leasing...gorilla
locks...gorilla mattresses...gorilla nursing...gorilla packaging...gorilla
physicians...gorilla radiators...ah! There! Gorilla removers.
She scanned about three pages of listings for gorilla removers, and one of the
display ads caught her eye.
Harvey Wallbiter, Ph.D.
Gorilla Removal Specialist
affiliated U.S.G.R.A.
Bulk rates on herds.
A mailing address and telephone number were included, along with the puzzling
line: "We also walk wallabies."
Merialla found herself talking to an answering machine, which promised a
call-back with half an hour. She left her number and finished with "...and
please call in a hurry and that gorilla is still in the tree and I don't know
what I'm going to do and please hurry and call me back and..."
"BEEEEEEEEEEP!"
It was less than twenty minutes later when Dr. Wallbiter called back. He asked
about the location of the gorilla, and told Merialla that he had three more
calls to make that morning, but he could get there in the mid-afternoon.
He staunched the verbal hemorrage that followed with assurances that the
gorilla would remain in the tree until after sunset, and that he would be
there long before that.
With considerable nervousness, Merrialla waited for the next three and a half
hours until a white panel truck, with King Kong in chains painted on the
side, pulled up the long drive from the street.
Harvey introduced himself to Merrialla and asked her to show him the gorilla.
As she stayed near the door of the house, Harvey walked over to the tree and
examined (and was examined by) the gorilla.
He walked back to the truck, and removed a ladder, some rope, a large dog and
(much to Merrialla's satisfaction) an automatic shotgun.
"Now, my assistant's sick today," Harvey explained, "so I'll need a little
backup help from you. There's no danger to you, and just a little to me."
Going to the ape-laden tree, Harvey braced the ladder on a tree limb near the
gorilla, commanded the dog to sit (it did), dropped the rope, and handed the
shotgun to Merrialla.
"Now, here's how this works," Harvey instructed. "I'll climb up there and
wrestle the gorilla out of the tree, and when he falls, the dog will run over
and grab him by the testicles. That will immobilize him, and I'll climb down
and tie him up with that rope."
"I see," said Merrilla, "and I shoot the gorilla if he gets a death grip on
you?"
"Not exactly," said Harvey. "Sometimes the gorilla wins, and _I_ fall out of
the tree. If that happens, shoot that #*(&%?!! dog!"
===========================
Dick Picklewater was not happily married. There are many stories about the
day-to-day thrust-and-riposte, jab-and-counterjab life that he and Mickey
led, but this tale doesn't concern Mickey at all.
Dick was wobbling down the sidewalk one day, overcompensating for a liquid
lunch, when he observed a funeral procession coming down the street. Led by a
herse, the procession moved on by. First in line after the hearse was an
unusually large German shepherd, the a _long_ row of guys on foot.
Dick was curious, so he asked the last fellow in the train who had died.
"My wife," the man answered.
"Shorry to hear that," said Dick. "How'd it happen?"
"Our dog...well, MY dog now...ate her," the bereaved man said, thrusting his
chin in the direction of the German shepherd.
Dick blinked, blinked again, and said, "Uhhhh...I'd like to borrow that dog
of yours one of these days."
The fellow stepped aside. "Get in line."
"...some people actually give Jerry Lewis medals for the kind of movies
he makes. If that's true, anything can be true." -- Mark E. Rogers
Duke McMullan n5ax nss13429r phon505-255-4642 ee5391aa@hydra.unm.edu
english.87dejanr,
why did god invent alcohol?
so ugly women can get laid too
===========================
A priest is hearing confessions one Saturday morning and the call of
nature comes upon him. He looks outside of the confessional into the
church and sees a line of people waiting for the confessional that
stretches halfway around the church, and he is the only priest hearing
confession that day. He notices the janitor and calls him into the
confessional. The priest asks the janitor to hear confessions while he
goes to the bathroom. The janitor balks at this suggestion, saying
that he's not a priest and wouldn't know what to do anyway. The priest
says that noone will know the difference and shows the janitor a list
on the wall of the confessional detailing the penances to be given out
for the sins that were committed. The janitor still is apprehensive
and the priest says that if he doesn't do it, he will take a dump on
the floor of the confessional and the janitor will have to clean it up.
This convinces the janitor to do it. The priest leaves thru a rear
door in the confessional.
The first person to be heard is a young girl.
She says, "Bless me Father for I have sinned, I have performed oral sex
on my boyfriend!"
The janitor looks on the list for "Oral Sex" and when he can't find it
under that description, looks under the description "Bl@w job". Not
finding that on the list either, the janitor opens the door slightly
and looks around the church for someone to help him out.
He sees an altar boy who is helping ready the church for a wedding
later that morning and calls him over, and in a voice barely above a
whisper asks, "What does the Father give for a bl@w job?????"
To which the altar boy replies:
"Two hershey bars and a bag of potato chips!!!"
===========================
To conquer the enemy without resorting to war is the most desirable.
The highest form of generalship is to conquer the enemy by strategy.
-Ancient Chinese Warlord
The employer generally gets the employees he deserves.
-Walter Bilbey
Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
-Ashleigh Brilliant
Friendships are fragile things, and require as much handling as
any other fragile and precious thing.
-Randolph S. Bourne
Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
They seem more afraid of life than death.
-James F. Byrnes
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
-Dale Carnegie
The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it is
your move.
-Frank Crane
Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness
without action.
-Benjamin Disraeli
Mediocrity requires aloofness to preserve its dignity.
-Charles G. Dawes
Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.
-Thomas Dewar
Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your
own. You may both be wrong.
-Dandemis
Small opportunities are often the beginning of great enterprises.
-Demosthenes
Expressing anger is a form of public littering.
-Willard Gaylin
The person who walks alone is soon trailed by the FBI.
-Wright Morris
An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides
correctly, but he always decides.
-John H. Patterson
Most novices picture themselves as masters - and are content with the
picture. This is why there are so few masters.
-Jean Toomer
God gave us two ears and one mouth. That ought to tell us something.
===========================
sign seen in local department stores:
1. Ears pierced
While you wait
(I hope so)
----------------------------------------------------
A confused person asked a man for two forms of ID when he had
given her a 20. He handed her his drivers liscense
----------------------------------------------------
There was a jewelry store in the mall where I worked several years
ago. One day a man walked in to the store and began looking at some
expensive watches.
He picked out a watch worth about $900 and asked to see it. The clerk
handed it to him. The man said he would like to apply for credit to
buy it.
So, after filling out the credit forms, along with checking whatever proper
I.D. is needed for such credit, the clerk took the form into the back room
to process the application.
About this time, the man decided that he would like to have the watch for
free, and ran out of the store with it.
The police picked him up shortly thereafter at his home, which he had
conveniently listed on his application form.
===========================
The Pentagon scandal has everyone jittery. Last week outside the Pentagon
someone yelled "Stop thief" and 14 people did.
===========================
Intoxication and Other Near-Death Experiences
by Dave Barry
Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's place
in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few:
(A bunch of questions.)
Q -- What lies ahead for mankind?
A -- Despite all the prophecies of gloom and doom, I'm optimistic. I am
particularly heartened by the willingness of a growing number of everyday
people on both sides of the Iron Curtain to question the conventional
"wisdom" of their military and political leaders and demand an end to the
insane policies that for 30 years have kept both sides on the brink of an
unthinkable nuclear confrontation. I believe that within our lifetimes,
this popular groundswell will bring us -- slowly but inevitably --
towards the first meaningful reduction in nuclear arms. Then the Earth
will be struck by an enormous comet.
english.88dejanr,
Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev and Foreign Secretary Eduard Shevardnadze
met on the eve of the recent super-power summit.
"What can we do to impress the Americans?" Gorbachev asked
Shevardnadze.
Replied the foreign secretary: "Well, we could open the gates of
the Soviet Union for 24 hours."
"Don't be crazy," Gorbachev replied. "Everybody would go and
it would leave only the two of us sitting here."
"Speak for yourself," shot back Shevardnadze.
===========================
The October 8, 1990 issue of Fortune has picked up on a
small story which appeared in the Los Angeles Times.
As best as I remember, there was a lawyer who got caught
three times in an alleged speed trap. He sued the city
under RICO (Racketeering Influence and Corruption) statutes.
Part of the allegation is that the city set the speed limit
without reviewing the traffic patterns every 5 years.
A judge ruled that the city could be sued under RICO.
I doubt that this is what they had in mind when Congress
passed the RICO statutes.
===========================
Told to me by a friend- no claim to originality:
(For those who don't know, Mike Ditka (aka Iron Mike) is the current
coach of the NFL Chicago Bears, he is an ex-player and has a reputation
as a tough guy).
At the beginning of this football season, Iron Mike Ditka was concerned
about his team. Although they displayed appropriate athletic ability
and seemed to be progressing well through the pre-season training- they
seemed to be lacking the 'toughness' Iron Mike felt they needed if they
were to have a succcessfull season.
So, Iron Mike (taking pride in his own 'toughness') decided to give the
team a graphic example of the qualities he desired them to have. After a
particularly hard practice, he called a team meeting in the locker room.
The team gathered around their revered coach and he gave a very motivational
speech- recalling his glory days as a player, emphasizing that facing and
functioning in the midst of pain was not only admirable but was a necessary
ability if players were to form a successfull team. At the end of the
speech, Iron Mike pulled a gym bag out from under a table and said he
was going to demonstrate just how tough he wanted his players to be.
The players watched as Iron Mike pulled a large snapping turtle out from
the bag. While holding it down on the table with one hand he dropped his
pants and underwear down to his knees with the other. Then as the players
watched in terror, Iron Mike picked up the turtle, moved it towards his
genitals
at which time the turtle lashed out clamping firmly onto Mikes appendage. The
players were stunned, one offensive lineman fainted at the sight. Through it
all Iron Mike made no sound- and intensly stared into the eyes of each and
every player. Satisfied that the impression had been made, Iron Mike reached
down and poked the turtle in the eye to which it responded with a little
squeal, released it's jaws and retreated momentarially into it's shell.
The coach returned the turtle to the table. A drop of sweat ran down his
brow as he put his pants back on, to this point he still had not said
anything.
The room was silent. Iron Mike challenged the players: "Who else in here
thinks they're tough enough to try that ?!" The room remained silent, Mike
yelled: "And you SISSY'S want to be Chicago Bears!?!"
The players were simultaneously awed by Iron Mikes display and terrified that
they somehow might be forced to repeat his performance- nobody had the
courage to break the silence. Finally, from the back of the room echoed a
timid voice. It was the new towel-boy, who had just started
working the previous week. All the players turned to hear him: "Coach...
I think I'm brave enough to try it- ... but you have to promise not to
poke me in the eye"
===========================
A pompus southern politician was on his way to a big press conference
at the state capital in the back of his Limo when the driver swerved
and hit two young black men walking on the side of the road. One of
the young men was thrown through the windshield of the car and the
other tumbled a good thirty yards down the shoulder of the road.
Upon his arival at the capital, the press hounded him to find out what
had happened. "Well, were a takin care of the matter right now"
the politican started. "We got one of em under arrest fer breakin and
enterin, and the other one we got fer leavin the scene of an accident."
===========================
One day, Moses and Jesus were golfing, when J.C. hits the ball very close
to the water. As he prepares to take his next shot, Moses questions him
about his club selection.
"Yo, JC, shouldn't you be using a 7-iron on this to get it over the water?"
"I've seen Arnold Palmer make this same shot with the same club, and he is a
mere mortal while I am the son of God."
J.C. hits the ball, which quite quickly falls into the pond. Moses then
parts the water and gets the ball back. Jesus again uses the same club,
though. When questioned, he again states that AP, a mere mortal, made this
shot while HE was the son of God. Again the ball lands in the water. Moses
parts the water, goes out to get it, brings it back, and states that next
time he is not going to retrieve the ball. JC doesn't care, he tries the
same shot anyway. For the third time it goes in the pond. When Moses
refuses to get the ball, Jesus walks across the water and bends down to
pick it up.
At this point, some other people come up and say, "Who does that guy think
he is, Jesus Christ?"
"Nah, he thinks he's Arnold Palmer," replies Moses.
english.89dejanr,
One day, a priest and his friend decided to go golfing.
At the first hole, the priest plays quite well. His friend gets onto the green
alright, but misses his putt by a mile.
"DAMN I MISSED!!" he yells.
"You shouldn't swear," the priest tells his friend, "the Lord is listening."
At the second hole, the priest again does a wonderful job of getting his ball
in the hole. And for a second time, his friend goes way off course for his
putt.
"DAMN I MISSED!!" he yells to the sky.
"You should't swear like that," the priest tells him again, "God is listening."
This continues for the rest of the game, until the eighteenth hole. As he had
for the whole round, the priest comes out under par. And as he had done for
the entire course, the priests friend screws up the final putt.
"DAMN I MISSED!!" he yells once again.
And the sky goes dark, the clouds stream past at an incredible speed. Then a
lightning bolt strikes down from the sky and hits the priest, frying him and
causing his instant death.
And from the sky came an ominous voice, "DAMN I MISSED!!"
english.90dejanr,
THE UNISEX, OMNISEXUAL
P U R I T Y T E S T
__________________________________________________________________________
Version 4.0 (500)
Final Release
23-Apr-1988
__________________________________________________________________________
Public domain; no copyright. All rights wronged, all wrongs reversed. Up with
going down. The risen flesh commands: let there be love. Murphy's law on
sex: Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics. Chaste makes
waste. Virginity can be cured.
This document was not sponsored by the Department of Defense Advanced Research
Projects Agency, and was not monitored by the Air Force Avionics Laboratory.
The views and conclusions contained in this document should not be interpreted
as representing the official policies, either expressed or implied, of the
Defense Advanced Projects Agency or the US Government. Neither should it be
interpreted nor inferred that the authors/contributors have actually performed
any of the actions contained herein.
__________________________________________________________________________
Disclaimer of Liability
The user of this test acknowledges that sex is a hazardous sport; that a person
must copulate in control, and use good judgement at all times; that partners'
conditions vary constantly and are greatly affected by weather changes and
previous use; and that dirty sheets, variations in terrain and bed surfaces,
spouses/pimps/managers, forest growth, rocks and debris, clothed obstacles, and
many other natural and man-made obstacles and hazards, including other users
and customers, exist throughout the bedroom area. Personal managers
(pimps/spouses) and sado-masochistic operations and equipment are constantly in
use and may be hazardous to those not copulating in control. Impotence,
collisions, and social diseases resulting in injury can happen at any time,
even to those copulating in control with proper sexual equipment. Inherent
risks are part of the sport and may exist within your partner. As a condition
of being permitted to use the facilities of your partner, the user of this test
agrees to copulate in control and within the limits of his/her ability, and
further acknowledges and accepts these hazards, dangers, and risks and assumes
the risk of injury or loss to person or damage to property which might result
from use of the partner's facilities.
As a further condition of being permitted to use the facilities of your
partner, the customer understands and agrees that: (1) in the event of a
transfer of use by another or anything else in the management's opinion is
misconduct, misuse, kinky, impotence, or nuisance, this service may be revoked
without refund; (2) the partner is the property of the harem and, upon request,
s/he must be presented to any authorized representative of the pimp/spouse; (3)
sexual equipment must be visibly displayed at all times when you are in any
bedroom and when approaching the bed to copulate. Your sexual partner is not
transferable; see Theft of Services, V.S.A., sections 2581 and 2582.
__________________________________________________________________________
Purity Test Genesis/History:
Version 1 (100) Created at MIT's Baker House. Two parallel versions; one for
male, and one for female. Not much is known about this
version. It was ported to CMU by ps in 1982.
Version 2 (247) Spring 1983 - CMU/jb, pd, kr, ps, ts, mt, et al.
Expanded to 247 questions. This marked the beginning of
the unisex versions. The story goes that they intended it to be
250 questions, but got tired that night and said "we'll think
of three more tomorrow", and tomorrow never got there.
Version 3.3C.1 (400) on 05-Dec-1984
First formal release general of this test, version 3.xx. All
former versions were short-lived and tended to be bug-ridden.
Does not discriminate against gays or bi's. Good correspondence
of scores (especially in the higher score ranges) between this
version and version 2. Added Genesis/History section.
Version 3.4 (400) on 29-Jan-1985
Internal version; never released. Source code accidentally
destroyed, much to the consternation of one of the authors.
Cleaned up many bugs. Added sections: Disclaimer of Liability,
Instructions for Use, Scoring, and Warranty Information.
Version 3.5 (400) on 10-Apr-1985
Rebuilt from the 3.3C.1 source and the 3.4 (only surviving
copy) Xerox X9700 laser printer hardcopy. Cleaned up same bugs
in 3.4; wiped out a duplicate question. Added in verbose
history section.
Version 3.5A (400) on 13-Apr-1985: CMU/da, fa, tc, no, dt, sv, rz, et al
Found that we had 431 questions instead of 400.
Version 3.5B (400) on 18-Mar-1986: Yale (Pierson College)/ as
Intermediate release, with footnotes integrated into main body
of text and some grammatical errors cleaned up. Begun in
Fall, 1985; finished in April for the benefit of a friend at
MIT (where it all began), who hadn't seen any versions except
the antique Version 1.
Version 3.5C (400) on 17-Jan-1988: Yale (Pierson College)/mmd (CLARINET@YALEVM)
Grammatical errors corrected. Introduction and history
cleaned up.
Version 4.0 (500) on 23-April-1988: Yale (Silliman College)/dfc, ad, dcg, mlm,
and Dartmouth (Alpha Theta)/alb. Original 400-question version
expanded to 500 questions.
__________________________________________________________________________
Instructions for Use:
This is a fairly long test consisting of five hundred questions. It starts out
tame and gets progressively worse (or better, depending on your viewpoint).
There are many ways of going about taking this test. You can, of course, as
your right, guaranteed by the Constitution, be anti-social and sequester
yourself in your room and take this test all by yourself; however, we feel that
the funnest way to utilize this test is to hold a Purity Test Party. All you
need is one copy of the test, and a bunch of friends. (Lots of writing
implements and paper would be useful too.) The person with the copy of the
test is the test administrator; s/he readsd the questions out loud and
everybody else writes down their answers. We have no definite rules as to
whether the participants are required to divulge their answers; that is up to
the group to decide. However, each person's purity score should be made common
knowledge. (The person with the highest score gets to be giggled at for the
rest of his/her life.) This works great at parties and lets everybody know
who's easy and who isn't, so you'll know who to go home with. Don't leave home
without it.
Definitions
All questions in this test pertain to events that have happened to you
subsequent to your weaning and babyhood/infancy. Anything that may have
happened before that time is considered not standing and void.
The term mutual masturbation refers to someone masturbating you AND/OR you
masturbating someone else, not exclusively both at the same time.
We would also like to define having sex in the homosexual case; homosexual sex
has occurred when both partners are of the same sex and one of the partners has
an orgasm while there is some contact between the genitals of both partners.
We would now like to bring to your attention that there is no passing nor
failing score. Therefore, one really shouldn't worry too much about getting a
high score... even if you do get giggled at for the rest of your life.
--- ALL TECHNICALITIES COUNT ---
__________________________________________________________________________
Section 1: Platonic Relations. 19 Questions.
For this section, if you are mostly a:
- heterosexual, then your partner in deed, often referred to
by the word "someone" or "partner", is to be someone
of the OPPOSITE gender.
- homosexual, then your partner in deed, often referred to by the
word "someone" or "partner", is to be someone of
YOUR OWN gender.
- 50-50 confirmed bisexual, then your partner in deed, often
referred to by the word "someone" or "partner", is to
be someone of the OPPOSITE gender.
Have you ever done any of the following:
1. kissed a friend or stranger on their hands or their head/neck region
as a friendly gesture?
2. held hands with someone?
3. had a date?
4. had a date past 1 a.m.?
5. dated someone on a regular basis?
6. picked someone up?
7. been picked up?
8. gone steady?
9. slow danced?
10. had the symptoms of Russian fingers (rushin' fingers)?
11. had the symptoms of Roman hands (roamin' hands)?
12. shared a bed, sleeping bag, or sleeping accommodations with someone
without anything steamy happening?
13. given a back or neck rub or massage with no ulterior motive?
14. used tickling as a pick-up, get-to-know-you-better routine?
15. directly asked someone whom you were not going out with and had
never gone out with if they were a virgin?
16. used physical strength, physical power, or any physical prowess, or
prowesslessness as a factor in pick-up, get-to-know-you-better
routine?
17. secretly lusted after someone without that person knowing?
18. dropped subtle hints to someone whom you liked/loved/wanted, hoping
that they would pick up on it?
19. written anonymous "love letters" to someone (secret admirer, etc. That
is, dropped some not-so-subtle hints).
__________________________________________________________________________
Section 2: Auto-erotica and Mono-sexualism. 51 Questions.
Although this section is termed Auto-erotica and mono-sexualism, the
events herein still count even if you are with someone else at the time.
It was so named because these activities, like the harp, (and the
porcelain goddess) are predominantly solo events.
Have you ever done the following:
20. had an arousing dream? (Wet dreams and the like.)
21. been sexually aroused?
22. uttered/muttered/yelled/screamed (or in other words verbally
expressed) obscenities?
23. fantasized about your long-term instructor, mentor, or someone who
is superior to you? (One day skydiving teachers, two hour ski
instructors, and the like do not count.)
24. fantasized about your lawyer, doctor, nurse, psychiatrist or someone
with whom you are having a professional relationship?
25. fantasized about someone you know personally but not closely?
26. fantasized about anyone and masturbated at the same time?
27. read or bought pornographic periodicals?
28. ever had a subscription to pornographic periodicals?
29. read sexually explicit literature?
30. gone skinny dipping alone?
31. made obscene phone calls?
32. phoned up any recorded phone sex numbers? (e.g. (212)976-2626,
(212)976-2727, (212)976-2828, etc. Please note that these are fifty
cent calls in addition to toll charges and long distance charges.)
33. phoned up any live phone sex numbers?
34. stuffed your bra if you are female, or stuffed your pants if you are
male?
35. shaved your genital pubic hair?
36. shaved your genital pubic hair on a fairly regular basis?
37. colored or bleached your genital pubic hair?
38. shaved or shaped your genital pubic hair in a particular design?
(moons, hearts, diamonds, clovers, etc.)
39. masturbated?
40. masturbated at least five times in one twenty-four hour period?
41. masturbated on a fairly regular basis of no less than once a
fortnight?
42. masturbated where you could have been discovered? (In a crowd, in
public, city parks, gym/dorm/barrack showers, movie theater, etc.)
43. masturbated out in the wilds or in nature with no nearby
civilization?
44. masturbated to orgasm?
45. masturbated while reading either pornographic or sexually explicit
materials?
46. masturbated while driving a *moving* land vehicle? (Car, RV, truck,
motorcycle, hearse, etc.)
47. masturbated while on the phone? (No kinky interpretations of "on the
phone". This is legit.)
48. masturbated while in a bathroom of the opposite sex?
49. masturbated while watching an R or X-rated show?
50. seen any burlesque show? (Rocky Horror counts)
51. been to a peep show?
52. been to a private showing of a pornographic movie?
53. seen a pornographic movie in a theater?
54. walked around in your room/apartment/house/habitation in the nude?
(Must be a serious walk; five minutes of going around trying to find
your undies after a shower doesn't count.)
55. walked around in a public or semi-public area with a top (shirt,
T-shirt, etc) but no bottoms (pants, shorts, etc)? (Dorm hallways,
lobby areas, etc. are acceptable; however locker rooms, bathrooms
and such places where this behavior is acceptable do not count.)
56. bought blatant sexual objects? (This means that if you buy a bottle
of Coke and you use it as a dildo, it doesn't count. Think design and
function.)
57. owned any erotic art pieces? (Like that phallic symbol in the cat
woman scene in "A Clockwork Orange.")
58. written down your own stories or fantasies for masturbatory purposes?
(Your own custom-made Penthouse Forum [tm])
59. sculpted erotic/obscene artworks in food (bananas, carrots, apples...)?
60. eaten any erotic food items? (Chocolate tits, banana dicks, etc.)
61. sculpted erotic/obscene artworks in soap, wood, or any other
carvable material that isn't food?
62. made an X- or R-rated snowman or snowwoman?
63. tasted your own orgasmic liquids?
64. inserted your finger into your rectum?
65. used ben-wa balls or anal beads? (ben-wa balls: a pair of small, usually
metal, balls which are placed in the vagina or anus and are supposed to
feel good as they move around. Anal beads: a string of beads inserted
into the anus which is supposed to feel good as it is pulled out.)
66. performed oral sex on yourself? (Yes, this is possible for most males,
and even for some females.)
67. willingly urinated on the garments that you were wearing at the
time? (In other words: piss in your pants; wet yourself; had an
accident.)
68. willingly urinated on any part of your body?
69. willingly defecated on the garments that you were wearing at the
time? (In other words: shit in your pants; had a serious accident.)
70. willingly defecated on yourself?
__________________________________________________________________________
Section 3: Legislative Misfits and Other Ethical Matters. 61 Questions.
Have you ever done any of the following:
71. administered a whole Purity Test or are in the process of
administering a whole Purity Test of any version? (That's where you
are the test administrator in a Purity Test Party. See "Instructions
for Use" for further information.)
72. taken Purity Tests of any versions more than 5 times?
73. lied on any previous Purity Tests?
74. exaggerated about any sexual experiences?
75. gone to (or escorted someone to) a Planned Parenthood Clinic? (for an
exam, to obtain birth control pills, diaphragm, etc.)
76. broken your word, promise, or vow?
77. lied to someone at someone else's request?
78. lied about your sexual preference in order to avoid a date?
79. written graffitti?
80. plagiarized?
81. shoplifted?
82. stolen?
83. made out a check that bounced?
84. used someone else's credit card without their knowledge and/or consent?
85. committed breaking and entering?
86. seen a snuff film?
87. read someone else's diary without their knowledge and/or consent?
88. searched someone's room without their knowledge and/or consent?
89. told someone that you loved them when you did not?
90. told someone that you loved them strictly because you wanted to have
sex with them?
91. fantasized about someone else other than your partner while you were
engaged in sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
92. intentionally listened in on other people having sex, oral sex, or
mutual masturbation without their knowing it?
93. used alcohol to lower someone else's inhibitions for the purpose of
sex or oral sex?
94. used drugs to lower someone else's inhibitions for the purpose of sex
or oral sex?
95. drugged someone without their knowledge and/or consent? (hash brownies
and the like.)
96. forced or coerced someone into having intimate physical relations
with you?
97. had dates with more than one person in the same night while one or
more of the people involved were NOT aware of your actions?
98. gone steady with two or more people at the same time while one or
more of the people involved were NOT aware of what you were doing?
99. gone steady with two or more people at the same time while all of
them WERE aware you were doing it?
100. urinated on someone else intentionally? (Piss fights!)
101. urinated in cup, bottle, pitcher or any such receptacle that was not
originally designed for such purpose? Urinalysis incidents don't count.
102. urinated anywhere other than a bathroom, outhouse, tree, bush or any
commonly accepted piss hole? (in the kitchen sink, in the glove
compartment of the family car...)
103. urinated from higher than the fifth floor, or equivalent height,
above ground level, out of a building or off a bridge or any such
permanent structure (e.g. the Grand Canyon)?
104. defecated anywhere other than a bathroom, outhouse or any commonly
accepted shit hole? (Camping/hiking trips in which bathroom/outhouse
access are nil do not count.)
105. stored any excretia in a refrigerator, oven, or any food
storage/preparation appliance?
106. stored evacuated excretia anywhere else in your room, apartment,
house, habitation, office, etc?
107. entered a bathroom of the opposite sex, unaccompanied by someone of the
opposite sex, while not involved in a search and/or rescue mission?
108. mooned or flashed someone from the front?
109. farted (audibly) in mixed company?
110. streaked, flashed, or otherwise exposed pretty much totally yourself
in public before an informal, unofficial gathering of people?
111. streaked, flashed, or otherwise exposed pretty much totally yourself
in public before a formal (official) gathering of people? (Such as a
function, stage performance, charity dinner, etc.)
112. been arrested? (Picture taken and all that wonderful, free stuff.)
113. received money or some favor to have sex, oral sex, or mutual
masturbation with someone?
114. given money or some favor to have sex, oral sex, or mutual
masturbation with someone?
115. thought you might be, or might have caused someone else to be,
unintentionally pregnant?
116. bought a home pregnancy test?
117. bought condoms?
118. borrowed/stolen/taken birth control devices from your or someone else's
parents? (Condoms, spermicidal foam, diaphragms, chastity belt)
119. had, or given someone, an unwanted pregnancy?
120. lied about being pregnant or about having made someone pregnant?
121. had sex while either you or your partner, but not both, were under the
legal age of consent of the state in which you were having sex?
122. thought you had VD?
123. had VD of any sort (VD, STD's, i.e. the clap, crabs, herpes, etc.)
124. had an AIDS test due to reasonable suspicion or hyperactive imagination?
125. given a sympathy fuck?
126. initiated sex with someone for the sake of sex only?
127. willingly committed incest?
128. committed adultery? (you need not have been the one who was married
to get this point.)
129. bought lingerie/undergarments of the opposite sex?
1
. stolenthe underwear of someone you knew, for a purpose other than
that of a practical joke or to just ire the person? (A bunch of guys
invading the women's dorm on a mission of panty raids does not
count.)
131. intentionally taken someone's underwear and didn't know who it
belonged to?
__________________________________________________________________________
Section 4: Drugs. 43 Questions.
Have you ever done any of the following:
132. had an alcoholic drink?
133. been intoxicated?
134. thrown up from having drunk too much alcohol?
135. passed out due to having drunk too much alcohol?
136. forgotten events that occurred while you were drunk?
137. smoked tobacco? (cigarette, pipe, cigar, hookah)
138. chewed tobacco? (snuff)
139. bought controlled/illicit drugs, or any compound scheduled by the
DEA, in violation of the law?
140. sold or re-sold controlled/illicit substances, or any compound
scheduled by the DEA, in violation of the law?
141. taken stimulants?
142. taken depressants excluding alcohol?
143. inhaled nitrous oxide while not visiting a dentist?
144. inhaled anything containing butyl nitrate?
145. used a commercial aphrodisiac? (Spanish Fly, Magic Love Drops, powdered
rhino horn, etc.)
146. taken valium?
147. smoked marijuana/sensemilia?
148. smoked marijuana/sensemilia more than four times?
149. eaten marijuana/sensemilia?
150. eaten marijuana or sensemilia more than four times?
151. taken opiate in any form?
152. taken opiate in any form more than twice?
153. used cocaine?
154. used cocaine more than four times?
155. injected any drugs into your body for any other purpose other than
medical?
156. injected any one drug into your body for any purpose other than
medical more than twice?
157. taken Ecstasy/X?
158. taken PCP?
159. taken PCP more than twice?
160. taken d-lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD-25), peyote, or psilocybin?
161. taken LSD, peyote, or psilocybin more than twice?
162. taken LSD more than six times?
163. deliberately injured yourself so as to obtain medication?
164. played any games in which there was a mystery as to who would be
getting drugs and who wouldn't, yet everybody plays in it? (e.g.
"Who's got the pill", where half the cups (of soda) have LSD in them and
the other half don't, and everybody picks a cup and drinks it and wonders
who gets lucky.)
165. gone to class or work while under the influence of drugs? (alcohol
counts)
166. mixed drugs? (alcohol counts. Mixed meaning being under the influence of
two or more drugs at once.)
167. sold possessions in order to obtain drugs?
168. had sex while under the influence of nitrous?
169. had an orgasm while under the influence of nitrous? (difficult because of
timing)
170. had sex while under the influence of cocaine?
171. had sex while under the influence of marijuana/sensemilia?
172. had sex while under the influence of Ecstasy/X?
173. had sex while under the influence of LSD, peyote, or psilocybin?
174. had sex while under the influence of drugs with a partner who did not
realize you were on them?
__________________________________________________________________________
Section 5: Non Platonic Relations. 63 Questions.
For this section, it you are mostly a:
- heterosexual, then your partner in deed, often referred to by
the word "someone" or "partner", is someone of the
OPPOSITE gender.
- homosexual, then your partner in deed, often referred to by the
word "someone" or "partner", is to be someone of
your OWN gender.
- 50-50 confirmed bisexual, then your partner in deed, often referred
to by the word "someone" or "partner", is to be
someone of the OPPOSITE gender.
Have you done any of the following:
175. propositioned someone for necking or petting?
(petting is defined as any caressing, patting, stroking or fondling.)
176. propositioned someone for sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
177. pinched or patted someone else's buttocks?
178. french kissed?
179. been kissed below the neck but not including arms or hands?
180. kissed someone else below the neck but not including arms or hands?
181. necked?
182. petted above the waist?
183. petted below the waist?
184. kissed on the first date?
185. necked on the first date?
186. petted above the waist on the first date?
187. petted below the waist on the first date?
188. given a hickey?
189. received a hickey?
190. worn specific clothes for the purpose of hiding hickeys? (i.e.,
turtlenecks)
191. fondled or stroked someone else's clothed legs?
192. fondled or stroked someone else's bare legs?
193. fondled or stroked someone else's frontal chest/torso region?
194. had your frontal chest/torso region fondled or stroked?
195. been involved with pelvic thrusting while fully clothed?
196. had your fingers licked or sucked?
197. had your ear or ear region licked, breathed upon, sucked, or
nibbled?
198. licked, breathed onto, sucked, or nibbled an ear or ear region?
199. licked or sucked someone else's finger(s)?
200. fondled someone who was asleep?
201. given a back massage with ulterior motives?
202. given a back massage that led to something steamier?
203. seen someone else completely nude when that person was under good
lighting conditions?
204. been seen completely nude by someone else under good lighting
conditions?
205. been in someone's company while both of you were completely nude?
206. bathed or showered with someone?
207. let someone else wash you while you were perfectly capable of doing
it yourself. (This means that if you were in the hospital with two
broken arms and the nurse washed you, it doesn't count, no matter how
cute s/he was.)
208. gone skinny dipping in mixed company?
209. been involved with the stroking or fondling of a woman's clothed
breast (as either possessor or fondler of the breast)?
210. been involved with the stroking or fondling of a woman's bare
breast (as either possessor or fondler of the breast)?
211. licked, sucked, or nibbled on someone else's nipple?
212. had your nipple licked, sucked, or nibbled upon?
213. petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled someone else's
covered genitals?
214. had your covered genitals petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise
handled?
215. petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled someone else's bare
genitals?
216. had your bare genitals petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise
handled?
217. had an orgasm while petting?
218. given your partner an orgasm while petting?
219. given finger scratch marks?
220. received finger scratch marks?
221. drawn blood by scratching during sex?
222. drawn blood by biting during sex? (hickeys do not count as having drawn
blood)
223. given or received *scars* from scratches or bites made during sex?
224. performed oral sex?
225. received oral sex?
226. swallowed semen, or licked female liquids off of fingers?
227. done sixty-nine ?
228. performed mutual masturbation?
229. had sex? (No need for orgasm; penetration counts.)
230. had sex on the first date?
231. had sex without the use of birth control devices? (Use of the rhythm,
prayer, and hope methods counts as "without the use of birth control
devices".)
232. had sex with a virgin? (Not yourself.)
233. had sex with someone whose name you did not know? (and *still* don't
know)
234. had sex with someone whose face you never saw?
235. had sex with someone where there was an age difference of more than 20
years?
236. had sex with someone not of your own race?
237. had sex with a religious officiary? (Priest, nun, mother-superior,
cardinal, pope, deity, etc.)
__________________________________________________________________________
english.91dejanr,
Section 6: Non Primary Choice Relations. 39 questions.
This section of the test deals with whether you have done things with
people whom you may not be altogether comfortable, therefore in this
section of the test, if you are mostly a:
- heterosexual, then your partner in deed, often referred to by the
word "someone" or "partner", is to be someone of your
OWN gender.
- homosexual, then your partner in deed, often referred to by the
word "someone" or "partner", is someone of the
OPPOSITE gender.
- 50-50 confirmed bisexual, then your partner in deed, often
referred to by the word "someone" or "partner", is to
be someone of your OWN gender.
Have you ever done any of the following:
238. held hands or otherwise displayed public affection?
239. kissed someone on the lips?
240. french kissed someone?
241. necked?
242. petted?
243. received manual sex?
244. given manual sex?
245. received oral sex?
246. given oral sex?
247. had sex?
248. had sex with a virgin? (not yourself.)
249. had sex with someone when there was an age difference of more than 20
years?
250. had anal sex? (The use of fingers or any phallic objects in this
case would also count.)
251. been involved in fist-fucking?
252. done 69? (simultaneous oral sex.)
253. propositioned someone for sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
254. yielded willingly to a proposition from someone for sex, oral sex,
or mutual masturbation?
255. had sex with someone whose name you didn't know? (and still don't
know.)
256. had sex with someone whose face you never saw?
257. been a participant in a who's-physically-better-equipped
verification contest? (Contestants must be of same gender;
spectators, judges, umpires, and verifiers may be of different
gender.)
258. been a judge in a contest such as above?
259. gave money or favors for sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
260. received money or favors for sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
261. fondled someone who was asleep?
262. attempted to seduce someone?
263. allowed yourself to be seduced?
264. had an orgasm while petting?
265. gave your partner an orgasm while petting?
266. had an orgasm at all?
267. had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation with more than 10 people?
268. stroked or fondled the clothed legs of someone?
269. stroked or fondled the bare legs of someone?
270. stroked or fondled the clothed chest/torso region of someone?
271. stroked or fondled the bare chest/torso region of someone?
272. stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled the clothed genitals of
someone else?
273. stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled the bare genitals of someone
else?
274. had sex, oral sex, mutual masturbation with someone not of your own race?
275. been in a menage-a-trois of people of the same sex?
276. been involved in group sex, with all participants of the same sex? (4
or more people, partners must be exchanged.)
__________________________________________________________________________
Section 7: Alternate Choices. 26 questions.
For any of the questions in this section, a yes answer is in order if it
is something that you do as an alternative to other sexual gratifications
or as an aid and/or in conjunction with other means of sexual
gratification. In other words, have you done it in a serious basis?
Trying it a few times to see what it's like does not count.
Have you ever done any of the following:
277. been decidedly heterosexual?
278. been decidedly homosexual?
279. been decidedly bisexual?
280. practiced bestiality (avec les animaux)?
281. practiced transvesticism?
282. practiced sadism ?
283. practiced masochism ?
284. practiced bondage?
285. practiced domination?
286. practiced submission?
287. practiced sodomy (anal intercourse)?
288. practiced cocrophilia (a marked interest in excrement; esp. the use of
feces or filth for sexual excitement)?
289. practiced frotteurism (masturbation by rubbing against another's person
or the need to rub against another stranger)?
290. practiced infantilism (a dependency on the sight or feeling of diapers
or of being diapered; a dependency on being dressed and treated as a
baby)?
291. practiced klismaphilia (a dependency on being given an enema)?
292. practiced necrophilia (copulation with a corpse)?
293. practiced mysophilia (a dependency on something soiled or filthy, such as
sweaty underwear or used menstrual pads)?
294. practiced scoptophilia (a dependency on looking at sexual organs and
watching sexual activity openly, not surreptitiously, as in voyeurism)?
295. practiced urophilia (being dependently responsive to the smell or taste
of urine or the sight and sound of someone urinating)?
296. practiced role-playing (nurse-patient, teacher-student, border guard-
well endowed co-ed, etc.)?
297. owned an underwear collection of underwear not belonging to you?
298. been a foot fetishist to any degree?
299. been a leather fetishist to any degree?
300. been a rubber/latex fetishist to any degree?
301. been a voyeur?
302. been an exhibitionist?
__________________________________________________________________________
Section 8: Group Sexual Relations. 27 questions.
This section relates to what you have or have not done. Accordingly, the
group of people of which we are speaking are of both genders. In
questions where groups of people are concerned, there must be at least
one person in the group who is of the opposite gender.
Have you ever done any of the following:
303. listened to dirty jokes in mixed company?
304. told dirty jokes in mixed company?
305. discussed masturbation? (Bringing up the topic of masturbation
during Purity Testing does not cut it as discussing masturbation.)
306. watched a porn movie in mixed company?
307. watched a porn movie with your own or someone else's parents?
308. played a game which may require you or others to disrobe?
309. played a game which may require you or others to perform an
action on another participant?
310. been in intimate contact with more than one person at the same time
while all of you were nude?
311. had oral sex with more than 10 people? (not necessarily at one time)
312. had sex with more than 10 people? (not necessarily at one time)
313. had sex with more than 1 person in a 24 hour period?
314. had sex with both genders in a 24 hour period?
315. been in a menage-a-trois with at least one member of the opposite sex?
316. walked in on others having sex (committed an "oops") and then joined in?
317. had sex or oral sex with a person and his/her parent? (not necessarily
at the same time.)
318. had sex, oral sex, mutual masturbation, necking, or petting with a
person and his/her sibling? (not necessarily at the same time.)
319. been involved in a two (or more) in one? (oral & anal or vaginal & anal
counts. But no fingers - we're talking the real thing here.)
320. been involved in a gang bang? (Step right up; come and get it while
it's hot.)
321. been in a circle of fuck?
322. been in a 69 circle?
323. been to a (cooking, baby, Wesson) oil party?
324. played naked Twister [tm] (with or without oil)?
325. participated in a heterosexual orgy or been involved in group sex?
(Four people or more; partners must be exchanged.)
326. participated in a bisexual orgy or group sex? (Four people or more;
partners must be exchanged.)
327. propositioned a person or group of people for group sex?
328. been propositioned for group sex?
329. participated in a fuck-a-thon? (Where the object is to see how
many times you can do it in a certain amount of time.)
__________________________________________________________________________
Section 9: Non sentient objects. 62 questions.
This section measures your kinkiness. Therefore, the questions apply to
actions and events which occurred while you were alone, as well as those
which occurred while you were with someone else.
Have you ever done any of the following:
330. used a bowling pin, Coke bottle, or something along those general
shapes for masturbatory or sexual purposes?
331. masturbated using the aid of food?
332. eaten the food used in masturbation after masturbation?
333. eaten a lab dissection?
334. inserted food into your or someone else's anus?
335. eaten food after it was extracted/evacuated from your or someone else's
anus?
336. received an enema for a purpose other than medical?
337. received an enema consisting on a non-normal enema solution (wine, beer,
urine, windex)?
338. actually measured your own or someone else's penis? (i.e., actually
grabbed a ruler, yardstick, tape measure, etc.)
339. used a mechanical hand-holdable device in aiding or replacing
masturbation? (Vibrator, massager, Dustbuster(tm), vacuum cleaner, etc.)
340. used a feather or any other tickling device for the purpose of
tickling?
341. used tickling as a form of *arousal*?
342. used ice for sexual purposes?
343. used ice for something frozen as a dildo? (ice cubes don't count here -
icicles, popsicles, and the like. Penetration.)
344. used a strap-on dildo or male extension sheath?
345. used whipped cream for sexual purposes?
346. used hot/melted wax for sexual purposes?
347. had sex in front of or under a mirror?
348. put food, gravy, syrup, salad dressing, candy, peanut butter, honey
or anything else edible on your partner's body, and then eaten it?
349. used household syrup, sandwich spreading, oil, salad dressing,
or any like substance for sexual purposes?
350. used ropes, chains, cuffs or any other such device for bondage
purposes?
351. used a whip, chain, cat-o-nine-tails, or something similar for pain?
352. worn edible underwear/lingerie?
353. eaten edible underwear/lingerie off of someone?
354. worn a leather/grore suit?
355. worn diapers for a sexual or masturbatory purpose?
356. been diapered by someone else for a sexual or masturbatory purpose?
357. used a ball gag or other manufactured gag?
358. worn a collar and/or leash?
359. been completely tied down (spreadeagled, hogtied, etc.)?
360. tied someone down completely?
361. had sex while you or your partner was tied up?
362. used nipple clips (clothespins count)?
363. pierced a part of your body other than your ears or nose (nipples,
labia, head of penis)?
364. found a prepubescent child sexually attractive/arousing?
365. had sexual contact of any kind with a prepubescent child?
366. used an inflatable doll?
367. humped an inanimate object like a pillow, (dinner) liver, hole in
the wall, sausage, banana, etc?
368. had sex or oral sex with a dead person?
369. inserted a small animal or creature into your rectum? (Either alive
or dead.)
370. had sex or oral sex with your (dead) dinner animal?
371. watched animals having sex?
372. been aroused by the sight of animals having sex?
373. attempted to have sex, oral sex, or (mutual) masturbation with a
live animal, but failed?
374. had sex, oral sex, or (mutual) masturbation with a smallish animal?
(Dog, cat, rabbit, lab rat, gerbil, etc.)
375. had sex, oral sex, or (mutual) masturbation with a domesticated farm
animal? (Cow, pig, chicken, sheep, etc.)
376. mutilated or killed any living animal or creature for your pleasures?
[The following three questions differ from those above in that ones above
measure your variation in animal choice, and the questions down here measure
what you did with the animals.]
377. had sex with a live animal? (Any size.)
378. received oral sex from a live animal? (Any size.)
379. gave oral sex to a live animal? (Any size.)
380. had sex, oral sex, or (mutual) masturbation with a single type
animal more than once? (Alive or dead.)
381. had sex, oral sex, or (mutual) masturbation with an animal in the
presence of 1 or more other people?
382. cross dressed in the *undergarments* of the opposite sex for a sexual
purpose? (This means that school plays, initiations, and the like
don't count.)
383. cross dressed in the *undergarments* of the opposite sex for a sexual
purpose in the presence of 1 or more other people? (Plays and the like
still don't count - this is for a sexual purpose).
384. stuffed your pants or bra while you were cross-dressed for your
sexual purpose?
385. had your head inserted into a urinal or toilet bowl willingly?
(Doing this in a pristine, show-room model does not count.)
386. worn groinal underwear on your head? (Panties, jock-strap, etc.)
387. eaten, sucked, licked, nibbled, or otherwise inserted a used, unwashed
piece of groinal underwear into your mouth while said underwear
was not being worn at the time?
388. deliberately sniffed or smelled a used, unwashed piece of groinal
underwear while it was not being worn at the time?
389. been gagged with someone's underwear? (not your own)
390. played in or with shit?
391. worn or used a condom or any feminine hygiene contraption that has
already been used by someone else?
__________________________________________________________________________
Section 10: Locality. 33 questions.
This section tries to figure out how many places you have done it. It
applies only to those situations in which you were with someone else.
Have you ever done any of the following:
392. necked or petted in a place of religion? (Church, temple, altar,
Grand Holy Cabbage Head Patch, etc.)
393. had sex or been involved in oral sex or mutual masturbation in a place
of religion?
394. necked or petted in a place of the dead? (Morgue, mortuary, cemetery,
etc.)
395. had sex or been involved in oral sex or mutual masturbation in a place
of the dead?
396. necked or petted in a contraption of the dead? (Coffin, hearse, body
bag, etc.)
397. had sex or been involved in oral sex or mutual masturbation in a
contraption of the dead?
398. had sex in/on a construction site (house, office, launch platform, etc.)?
399. necked or petted in a moderately sized, land/road-based vehicle of LESS
THAN 30,000 pounds net unladen gross weight? (car, station
wagon, van, minivan, minibus, fuckmobile, etc.)
400. had sex or been involved in oral sex or mutual masturbation in a
moderately sized, land/road-based vehicle of LESS THAN 30,000 pounds
net unladen gross weight?
401. necked or petted in a land/road-based vehicle of MORE THAN 30,000
pounds net unladen gross weight? (truck, tank, armored car, steam-
roller, crane, bulldozer, garbage truck, etc.)
402. had sex or been involved in oral sex or mutual masturbation in a
land/road-based vehicle of MORE THAN 30,000 pounds net unladen gross
weight?
403. had sex or been involved in oral sex or mutual masturbation in a land-
based, non road dependant vehicle? (Train, subway, roller-coaster,
monorail, Disneyland ride, etc.)
404. necked, petted, masturbated, been masturbated, or had sex or oral sex
in a water based, manual powered vehicular transport medium? (Rowboat,
surfboard, floating bathtub, etc.) (For this question it only counts if
the thing was in the water at the time.)
405. necked, petted, masturbated, been masturbated, or had sex or oral sex
in a water based, wind or propeller driven transport medium LESS THAN 80
feet in length? (Yacht, PT boat, windsurfer, Sunfish, etc.)
406. necked, petted, masturbated, been masturbated, or had sex or oral sex
in a water based, wind or propeller driven transport medium MORE THAN 80
feet in length? (Cruise ship, battleship, aircraft carrier, nuclear
submarine, etc.)
407. necked, petted, masturbated, been masturbated, or had sex or oral sex
in an aircraft? (Airplane, helicopter, hovercraft, balloon, zeppelin,
space shuttle, flying carpet, flying saucer, etc.)
408. had sex in a household room other than a bedroom?
409. had sex on the floor (but not the roof)?
410. had sex on any furniture that is indoors but is not a bed, table,
desk, counter-top, a nor anything that is predominantly used for
sitting or as a table/desk? (Television, washer/dryer, microwave, etc.)_
411. had sex, participated in oral sex, or participated in mutual
masturbation in a telephone booth, voting booth, automatic
photograph taker, or any such small, non-moving enclosure that was
not designed for such activities?
412. had sex, participated in oral sex, or participated in mutual
masturbation in an elevator, people-mover, escalator, dumbwaiter, or any
building-internal people moving device?
413. had sex, participated in oral sex, or participated in mutual
masturbation up a tree but not in a tree house or similar structure?
414. had sex, oral sex, mutual masturbation in a suspension device of some
kind (hammock, trampoline, tightrope, safety net, etc.)?
415. had sex, participated in oral sex, or participated in mutual
masturbation on the roof of a building in excess of 5 floors?
416. had sex, participated in oral sex, or participated in mutual
masturbation inside or within the confines of a hedge, bush, other
natural vegetation which can provide a wall effect, cave, rock
overhang, in a well, or any other secluded, outdoor, non-vegetative
shielding structure?
417. had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation in the snow? (Spring thaw is
acceptable.)
418. had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation in a place where the
prevailing, ambient temperature (of the air immediately surrounding
you) was below the freezing point of water?
419. had sex, participated in oral sex, or participated in mutual
masturbation in a place where you could have been discovered?
420. had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation in a water-filled
bathtub, hot tub, or under a shower or other running water (waterfall,
torrential downpour, monsoon, etc.)?
421. had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation in a body of water?
(swimming pool, swimming hole, pond, lake, lagoon, sea, ocean, etc.)
422. had sex on the beach (and the resultant sand in uncomfortable places)?
423. had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation in a bathroom of the
opposite sex?
424. gone to a motel (however sleazy) for the sole purpose of having sex?
_____________________________________________________________________
Section 11: Style. 76 questions.
Have you ever done any of the following:
425. watched while someone else masturbated?
426. been watched while masturbating?
427. orgasmed on somebody?
428. orgasmed in somebody if you are male, or had someone orgasm in you
if you are female?
429. had more than one person orgasm on you at once, or been one of several
people orgasming on someone else?
430. been involved in the use of a penis as a leash or bludgeoning
device?
431. been involved in oxygen deprivation for sexual enhancement?
(Nitrous oxide does not count.)
432. willingly made video tapes or had pictures taken while having sex,
oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
433. physically watched others having sex?
434. watched your partner of choice having sex, oral sex, or mutual
masturbation with someone else?
435. taken pictures or made video tapes of your partner of choice having sex,
oral sex, or mutual masturbation with someone else?
436. willingly made audio recordings while having sex, oral sex, or
mutual masturbation?
437. talked dirty while having sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
438. intentionally made more noise than necessary while having sex, oral
sex, or mutual masturbation so as to put on a good show for whoever
might have been listening in?
439. intentionally made "animal" noises during sex?
440. had a pet or domesticated animal walk over you or your partner while
you were involved in sex or oral sex?
441. had a general emergency arise while you were steeped in sex? (House on
fire, flash flood, hurricane, private plane crash lands in your
dwelling, etc.)
442. had your sexual technique/style/skill openly praised by someone?
443. taken nude pictures of someone else?
444. had nude pictures of you taken?
445. placed a personal ad?
446. answered a personal ad?
447. been involved in breast fucking? (aka "The Hawaiian Muscle Fuck")
448. participated in fist-fucking? (see "Caligula")
449. shaved someone's genital pubic hair (or had yours shaved) as part of a
sexual activity?
450. had sex for more than three hours in a single session of sex?
451. been bruised during sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
(hickies do not count.)
452. bruised someone else during sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
453. been injured during sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
454. orgasmed more than three times in one session of sex?
455. had sex so many times or for so long that one or both people involved
runs dry?
456. disturbed other people by making excessive noise while having sex?
457. had sex or mutual masturbation or received oral sex
while you were driving (the car or boat or whatever vehicle)?
458. had sex doggie fashion?
459. had sex in the female superior position?
460. had sex sitting up?
461. had sex standing up?
462. had sex upside-down?
463. gone through two or more sexual positions without the need for
re-entry?
464. fallen asleep during sex?
465. woken up to someone having sex with you?
466. had sex while one person was passed out or unconscious?
467. given or received a hickey on your upper inner thigh?
468. been on the receiving of anal sex?
469. been on the ramming end of anal sex (a dildo counts)?
470. had sex more than 10 times with 1 person?
471. had sex more than 5 times in a 24 hour period?
472. had sex more than 10 times in a 24 hour period?
473. had sex, participated in oral sex, or participated in masturbation
while someone other than your partner was watching?
474. had sex or oral sex while one or both of you were playing a musical
instrument, hacked, watched television, read, drawn or in other
words were preoccupied with something other than sex and lust?
475. performed oral sex after intercourse without washing or douching?
476. kissed your partner on the lips after oral sex without brushing
teeth, nor washing/gargling/rinsing out mouth?
477. inflicted pain during sex?
478. been involved in cunnilingus during the woman's period?
479. had sex during the woman's period?
480. foot masturbated someone?
481. been foot masturbated?
482. tongue bathed someone?
483. been tongue bathed?
484. licked or sucked on someone else's feet and/or toes?
485. had your feet and/or toes licked or sucked by someone else?
486. licked someone's anus?
487. licked someone's anus while they were defecating?
488. performed oral sex while the person was urinating?
489. drank your own urine?
490. tasted or drank someone else's urine?
491. drank/drained an entire bladder-full of someone else's urine?
492. drank human blood?
493. tasted someone else's nasal mucous?
494. been involved in a golden shower?
495. swallowed your partner's orgasmic secretions?
496. used the Purity Test as a checklist of things you could do?
497. ever done something for the sole purpose of lowering your Purity Test
score?
498. bought/read books to enhance sexual technique?
499. participated in Purity Testing with an ulterior motive?
500. become interested in someone only after hearing about their Purity Test
score?
_____________________________________________________________________
I. Scoring
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a sheet of paper containing
lots of itty-bitty answers to the Purity Test. Sworn to excellence of
workmanship, we now give you directions on how to calculate your Purity score.
There are several methods; the calculator method works best. Also there is the
a la mainframe method. (A DECsystem-2060 works great as a PC.)
Scoring method: Count "yes" answers.
Subtract that number from 500.
Divide the result by 5.
The result is your percentage purity.
The higher the number, the more pure you are; in the same vein, the lower the
score, the more of a sleaze-bag you are.
For your reference, we include calculator directions:
For people with real calculators (HP):
<# of NO answers> [ENTER] 5 /
For people with other (dinky) calculators:
<# of NO answers> / 5 =
______________________________________________________________________
II. Warranty Information
We hope that you have enjoyed this test. It does not come with a warranty, nor
does it guarantee that it will get you laid or make you somehow somewhat better
in bed or the haystack.
The makers of this test are not responsible for any liabilities or damages
resulting from this test, including but not limited to paternity suits. Ask
your doctor or pharmacist.
Do not open back panel; no user serviceable parts inside.
Propagate (this test) at will, even without the written permission of the
publisher; just don't edit or change it. In reproducing this test, the authors
of this test may exercise droit de seigneur over you, your immediate family, or
fiance(e). You may or may not have additional rights which may vary from state
to state (i.e. inebriated, ecstacy).
Not recommended for children under twelve. Parental guidance discouraged and
frowned upon. Pencils, additional paper, and batteries not included. Some
assembly may be required. Does not come with any other figures.
______________________________________________________________________
Drive carefully; 90% of the people in the world are caused by accidents.
The above is a public service announcement of this institution.
______________________________________________________________________
english.92smihailovic,
* Jezičke nedoumice :)
T H E I T A L I A N W H O W E N T T O M A L T A
( must be read with an Italian accent )
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat
brekfeast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me
only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet.
I say you no understand, I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you
better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the
lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a
spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me
everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on
the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma
bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits on my
bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to
toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you
better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you".
I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.
english.93dejanr,
Real programmers measure their productivity in NSLOC: Negative Source
Lines of Code:
"Here boss, this yard of printout was the whole system last month. This
inch of printout is the system today. Less to maintain, runs faster, and
now it fits on a 90k Atari 800 floppy. Hand over that raise."
-- David Phillip Oster -master of the ad hoc odd hack.
english.94dejanr,
Why do LADA's have heated rear windscreens?
To keep your hands warm when your pushing them.
What do you call a LADA with a sun-roof?
A skip.
A LADA on a highway is suddenly stopping. Closely behind is there a JAGUAR,
which crashes on it. And behind, a ROLLS-ROYCE, which crashes on the JAGUAR.
The ROLLS-ROYCE driver steps out of his car, and complains:
``You fool, my radiator grille is broken, it will cost me one day of income!''
Complains the JAGUAR driver:
``The front of my car is squeezed, it will cost me one month of salary!''
Says the LADA driver:
``My car is completely smashed, I will have to work one year pay myself a new
one!''
Answers the ROLLS-ROYCE driver:
``Fancy anyone buying such an expensive car?''
english.95dejanr,
He: "Your birthday is coming up, so i'd like some idea of what you'd like
for your birthday."
She: "I want a divorce!"
Pause.
He: "I'm really sorry, but I hadn't planned to spend that much."
english.96dejanr,
ABOUT AS ...
HOPELESS as trying to pick up salt with a plunger
INTERESTING as watching paint dry
INTERESTING as watching grass grow
OBVIOUS as a dog's dick
POPULAR as Stevie Wonder with a flame thrower
USELESS as a condom to a eunuch
WELCOME as a turd in a swimming pool
WELCOME as a pork sausage at a barmitzvah
SHARP as a bowling ball
english.97dejanr,
"fan-fucking-tastic" beats the fuck out of me what youcall this one!!
^^^^^^^
in this case, fucking is used as an interjection.
What's even more fuckingweird, is that (IMHK) FUCK is an acronym
(or _was_ an acronym) for "Fornication Under Carnal Knowledge"
where in the world did you get this? i once had a fellow try to tell
me that fuck was an acronym for "Fornication Under Consent of the
King". he claimed that the danish kings forbade the subjects from
fornicating unless they had consent from the king. i asked "at what
point did the danish people begin to speak english?" he simply looked
at me with a stupid, blank expression on his face.
according to the american heritage dictionary, the word fuck comes
from the germanic fokken, which means to penetrate.
OBJ: (i hope i haven't already posted this...)
a lonely woman places an ad in a local newspaper: "looking for a man
who won't beat me, won't run out on me, and is a good lover". after
several weeks, she has received nothing but crank calls, and inquiries
from obvious losers. she cancels the ad, and resigns herself to a
life of loneliness. a few weeks later, she is sitting (alone, of
course) in her living room when the doorbell rings. she has no idea
who it could be, so she opens the door to see a quadruple amputee on
her doorstep. "who are you, and what do you want?", she asks.
the man says "my name is matt" (no, this is not the
punchline), "and i'm here in answer to your ad." the woman is
confused for a moment, since she has forgotten all about the ad.
"see", the man says, "i have no arms, so i can't beat you".
"yes...i guess that's true" says the woman.
"and i have no legs, so i can't run out on you", he continues.
"well, i suppose that's true too", says the woman, "but the ad
also said that you have to be a good lover".
"how do you think i rang the doorbell?"
--
_______ ____________ _______________________________________________________
/ / _____ _ / / Jonathan Byrd !
/ / / _ / / \/ / jon@apollo.med.utah.edu !
____/ / / // / / / University of Utah School of Medicine !
\____/ /____/ /_/\_/ "Lord help me, I'm just not that bright" !
english.98dejanr,
in Article 27180 in rec.humor: From: ivan@dbaccess.com (Ivan Covdy)
ivan writes:
>Well, specialists say that the best way to understand a language is
>to understand its idioms, in particular, "bad", "dirty" words, curses
>and expressions. I don't have problems with such sort of Russian idioms
>and I'm eager to compare them with English/American ones.
ohhh boy!!!! can I be the first huh huh can i pleeaseee!!!!??????
Ivan, you've basically screwed up here for a number of reasons, most
of which deal with the amout of mail you're gonna get, but here's
a perfect example
FUCK. one of those neato things about americanese, is that FUCK can
serve the purpose of all major forms of words. examples:
"I don't give a fuck" or "what a great fuck" used as a noun
"I want to fuck her/him" or "the IRS fucked me again" VERB
"fuck off" or "fuck you" is actually a NERB or a VOUN depending.
"the system is fucked" Nomitave Adj.
"It's fucking hot today" Adjective.
"fan-fucking-tastic" beats the fuck out of me what youcall this one!!
What's even more fuckingweird, is that (IMHK) FUCK is an acronym
(or _was_ an acronym) for "Fornication Under Carnal Knowledge"
Since I never claimed to be an english major, I'm probably wrong on
lots of spelling, punctuation, and structure rules. But, (watch and
learn one example of the proper use of the word, ivan) if you
want to flame me for it, TAKE A FLYING-FUCKING-LEAP!!!!!!! (adverb).
see kiddies? isn't americanesse fun? isn't the net educational? can
you say "wasted bandwith"? I knew you could!!!!!!
/----------------------------------------------------------------------------\
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! Supercomputer Computations Research Institute !\ ,_ _/\ !
! 400 SCL, F.S.U., Tallahassee, FL 32306-4052 !/ _/ '__ \!
! gaspo@ds1.scri.fsu.edu ! "I do NOT do lunch, I do NOT !!/ / ,," __o/!
! gaspo@scri1.scri.fsu.edu ! wear 'power ties', and I do ! \_\!_\, / !
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english.99dejanr,
A teacher tells her students to find something on tv to watch to help
them learn sex ed. The next day, she asks for volunteers to tell the
class what they learned.
Susie raises her hand. "I watched a documantary on babies, and I learned
that you have to have sex to have a baby."
"That's wonderful," the teacher replied. "Next?"
Billy said, "I watched General Hospital, and I learned that you should
really love someone before you have sex with them."
"That's great. Anyone else?"
Little Johnny answers, "I watched a Lone Ranger show. A bunch of cattle
rustlers had kidnapped Tonto, and as the Lone Ranger was going to save
him, he was bushwhacked by the rustlers. The Lone Ranger pulled out his
gun and shot every one of them."
The teacher said, "That's nice Johnny, but what does that have to do
with sex?"
Little Johnny replied, "It taught those cattle rustlers not to fuck
with the Lone Ranger!"
english.100dejanr,
A kindergarten teacher decided to introduce her class to a variety of
different foods. (Anyone who has kids can tell you how hard it is to get them
to try anything different). The first week she decided to feature a different
meat at each lunch hour. The first day was chicken. "OK, who can tell me
what kind of meat this is?", she asked her class. "Chicken!", the class
shouted back. "Very good," she said, "Now where do we get chicken?" "From
chickens!" the class replied. The next day the "mystery meat" was beef. "OK,
who can tell me what kind of meat this is?", she again asked her class.
"Beef!", the class again shouted out their answer. "Very good," she said,
"Now where do we get beef?" "From cows!" the class replied. "Very good!"
she told her class. The next day was lamb, and then ham. And on both days
the class was able to recognize both the meat and it's source. So on Friday
the teacher decided to throw her class a curve and brought in venison, which
she was reasonably sure the class had not had before. Sure enough when she
asked the class what kind of meat they were having, no one knew. Although a
lot of guesses were made, no one mentioned of venison, so the teacher decided
to give her class a little hint. "Think about what your mother calls your
father," she helpfully told her class. "Eeaugh!", the kids started to yell,
jumping up and down. "Spit it out! It's assholes!"