english.1006vbole,
-> #984, dejanr> Sign seen in a parking lot of a Planned Parenthood clinic -
>
> "PLEASE PULL OUT CAREFULLY" !
Anything about how to PUT IN ??
english.1007vbole,
-> #988, dejanr> When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and barked
> "Here Soap! Here Water!"
Pa sta, neki tako peru noge godinama...
english.1008ndragan,
-> #1006, vbole/ Anything about how to PUT IN ??
Spectrum user manual, chapter 19: IN and OUT
english.1009bearboy,
An irishman, who did not go to church, walked around in the streets of his
little village, and he met a priest. He was not going to the church for quite
a time, so the priest said :
- Good morning, son of the devil !
The irishman's reply was :
- Good morning, father !
PS. This was translated from hungarian by me, so I'm sorry if there were any
mistakes
english.1010bearboy,
Once upon a time, an irishman met a priest. Here is what they said :
Priest : Good morning.
Irishman : Good morning, father. A strange thing happened yesterday.
Priest : What ?
Irishman : I saw you in my dream !
Priest : Really ? And what did I do there ?
Irishman : I dremt that I was dead, and I was going to heaven. There was
a high stairway leading up, and an angel. The angel said to me "Here is a
piece of chalk, and mark a staircase for a sin you made" And as I was going up,
markig the staircases with crosses, I met you coming down.
Priest : What was I doing there ?
Irishman : Well, I asked you the same question, and you answered "I'm going
down to get more chalk"
english.1011dejanr,
Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.
english.1012dejanr,
Q: What is an optimist?
A: An IBM'er who, on Sunday, irons FIVE white shirts.
english.1013dejanr,
This maybe something of a 'college legend', but I heard it as true:
A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final:
"What is courage?". The student wrote "This.", signed it, and turned it in.
I never knew what happened to the student, but I hope he got an A.
================================
The "What is courage?" final exam question is a classic urban legend,
with several other variations. But here's an original joke that it
made me think of (I thought it topical since it referred to a recent
posting):
A student taking a mythology class had a single question on his final:
"What is an urban legend?". The student wrote "This is.", signed it,
and turned it in.
english.1014dejanr,
Saw this on an AP photo...
The picture portrays a group of auto workers protesting the recent statement
by the Japanese Speaker of Parliment in which he accused Americans of being
lazy and illiterate.
A man was holding a scruffy sign which declared:
"Japan says:
Your illiterate.
Ban Japanese Imports!"
english.1015dejanr,
I heard this story on a Paul Harvey broadcast.
A woman, worried about crime, started to carry a hand-gun. Five months
after she'd begun carrying her gun she came out to her car in a dark
parking lot and found it occupied by four men. She ordered them out.
They refused to move; she pulled her gun. Instantly four doors
popped open and her car's occupants fled into the night. Then, as she
started to load her groceries into the car, she noticed her car (same
make and model) parked three spots away.
english.1016dejanr,
Seen in "The Sydney Morning Herald", Saturday, January 4 1992 "Column
8" section:
"The Japanese seem to have got the Christmas message mixed up.
Steve McKenna of Glebe (suburb of Sydney, Aust.) reports that in one
Tokyo department store Santa Claus is nailed to the cross."
english.1017dejanr,
Why would one buy a 486SX? Good question. If one were shopping for a car,
you would need to be in the market for a BMW, but you can't really afford
it, so your willing to let the dealer take the engine out and put in a
Yugo engine instead.
Later when you're tired of moving up hills at 5 mph., you go back to the
dealer and buy a real BMW which he then bolts the side of your BMW, pats
you on the back and asks you how you're going to use all that extra room
you have.
english.1018dejanr,
I have a little "first aid tips" card. You pull the tab down till
the indicator points to an ailment, and the little window displays
symptoms and treatment. My roommate Tom Matches got hold of it and
modified the treatments somewhat. (The symptoms are what the card
actually says):
APPENDICITIS Pain in right lower abdomen. Who cares? It's a
Nausea, possible vomiting vestigial organ anyway.
and fever. Give him an aspirin.
BURNS and Redness, mild swelling, and Peel away dead skin. Rub
SCALDS pain. Blisters may develop. vigorously to encourage
good circulation.
CONVULSION Strong, jerking movements; Sit on victim. Laugh at
stiff body. Difficulty him until he gets
breathing. Bluish face. embarrassed and stops.
Eyes rolled back, gritting
of teeth, frothy mouth.
CROUP Noisy, difficult breathing. Stuff a sock in victim's
Hoarse, barking cough. mouth.
CUTS and Cuts bleed and hurt. Call victim a sissy and
BRUISES Bruises get red, swollen, and send him back out to
and hurt. play.
DOG BITE Redness, swelling and Scold victim. Shoot dog.
bleeding if skin is broken.
Fear of the dog.
DROWNING Unconscious, pale or blue Talk about what a great
skin. guy he was.
EARACHE Pain. Possible dizziness Listen to one hour of
or discharge from ear. Motley Crue. THEN you'll
Possible fever. know what an earache is.
FAINTING Pale, clammy skin, Before victim revives, take
dizziness, shallow his wallet and clothes and
breathing, sweating and put him on a bus to Toledo.
temporary unconsciousness.
FEVER Body temperature over Administer 4 oz. of 'Old
98.6 degrees F (37 C). Jayhawk' [cheap whiskey]
Hot forehead. every 2 hours.
FROSTBITE Skin flushed, then changing Submerge in boiling water.
to white or greyish yellow.
Blister may appear. Cold
and numb. Pain.
HEAT High temperature. Pale and Lock up victim in walk-in
EXHAUSTION clammy skin, or hot and freezer for 1-2 hours.
flushed skin. Headache and
weakness. Possible nausea.
INSECT BITES Pain and redness at the Capture insect and mash to
and STINGS site of the sting or bite. paste. Dissolve in one
Possible allergic reactions cup of milk and have victim
such as shock or difficulty drink.
breathing.
NOSEBLEED Profuse bleeding from the Apply tourniquet to
nose. victim's neck.
POISONING Symptoms vary. Throat or Give 1 tbsp lye in ammonia
stomach pains. Mouth burns. solution to flush system.
Vomiting. Drowsiness.
SHOCK Victim pale and weak. Grasp victim firmly by the
Clammy skin, perspiration on shoulders and shake,
upper lip and forehead. shouting, "Snap out of it!"
Pulse rate and breathing
rate are increased.
STROKE Unconscious. Heavy Kiss patient goodbye.
breathing. Apparent It's all over.
weakness in face or limbs on
one side of body. Inability
to speak.
SUNBURN Redness, mild swelling, and Remove reddened skin with
pain. Possible blisters. sandpaper. Soak affected
area in alcohol.
SWALLOWING Dangerous when in air Shout, "Hey, dumbshit,
FOREIGN passages. Voilent coughing spit that out! Whatsa
BODIES and choking. Bluish facial matter with you!"
discoloration. Breathing
may stop.
TOOTHACHE Pain. Tooth is sensitive Alternate administration of
to hot and cold food and hot coffee and ice cream.
fluids.
Tom Magliery
t-magliery@uiuc.edu
english.1019dejanr,
Drugs have taught an entire generation of
American kids the metric system.
-- P.J. O'Rourke
Vancouver Sun, Dec. 20, 1991
english.1020dejanr,
This was relayed to me by a friend who went to Sweden for training in
psychoanalysis. As an introduction to the subject, he had to answer
the following question:
You are a novice psychoanalyst, and your first patient enters the
room. The patient asks, "What time is it?" Do you answer
a) Tell me more about yourself.
b) Have you ever asked your father/mother that question?
c) We still have fifty more minutes.
d) What time do _you_ think it is?
english.1021dejanr,
Read in Herb Caen's column in the San Francisco Chronicle 12/18/91:
(paraphrased)
Man in Toys-R-Us to Saleswoman: Does Barbie come with Ken?
Saleswoman: No, Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken.
english.1022dejanr,
Former heavyweight boxing champ Mike Tyson has just been
convicted of one count of rape and two counts of criminal
deviate conduct. He will be sentenced next month and faces
up to 60 years in prison.
It is rumored that he wants to give agent/promoter Don King
10% of the sentence.
english.1023dejanr,
Reagan adds new meaning to the saying "...sleep your way to the top."
english.1024dejanr,
I have a friend in Maine who lives out in the country in a house he and
his wife built. One day he was talking to his nephew and the following
conversation ensued.
"Uncle, do people _buy_ houses?"
"Yes."
"How do they get them home?"
english.1025dejanr,
With all the attention that the Dow breast implants have been getting lately,
I wondered why no one else has been manufacturing these "devices" except
Dow.
Then I realized that everyone else was probably afraid of a "look and
feel" lawsuit...
english.1026dejanr,
As told to me by my friend Dave...
The Differences Between Intel Chips
By Dave Smith
For those who are confused by the various processor offering by Intel,
here's a quick guide to clear you up.
8086: A spacious closet. Has four walls and plenty of shelf space.
It's a lot better than keeping your stuff in stacked cardboard
boxes like you had to with the 8080
8088: A spacious clost like the 8086, but lacks the mirrored doors
and instead uses a narrower door made of standard plywood.
Not as pretty, but a less expensive.
80186: Still a closet with the mirrored doors, but now includes a
new railing to hang your clothes and this one is bolted on,
not that wooden thing that always falls when you bump it off.
Also the doors run on a better track. Not the greatest, but
the builder was a little slow.
80286: A closet as with the 8086, but includes a small trap door
on the ceiling that you can climb up with great effort to
reach a larger attic to store stuff in. The door is sufficiently
small that you can only shove small things in or out of it.
80386: A 1930s victorian house somewhat rundown, but acceptable.
Has a closet, but also has a large garage. You can be
in the garage or the closet, but you can't have a closet
or a workbench in the garage. An option in building allows
you to build out the house into several small closet size
apartments. Each occupant of an apartment is unaware they
have any neighbors. (Unless they give a note to you to post
on the board in front hall for other neighbors to see.)
80386SX: Another 1930s house, but this one doesn't have the double
doors in the entry.
80486: A small condo with closets.
80486SX: The same condo, but with strong owners association. You can buy
the condo for less money, but you can't get the keys unless you
buy them from owners association for a large fee.
english.1027dejanr,
Apparantly, this friend (call her Diane), and her fiance (Jack) were
arguing one night. Diane got emotionally disturbed, a not too uncommon
event during her fifth month of pregnancy, and began to berate Jack for
making her pregnant, to which Jack replied:
" I was only poking fun. You're the one who took it seriously.."
english.1028dejanr,
--- start ---
From the "Unusual Case" column of _Aspects of Human Sexuality_,
July 1991, by William A Morton, Jr, MD. Reprinted without permission.
"Scrotum Self-Repair"
One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER
nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe
his problem other than to say that he "needed a doctor who took
care of men's problems." The patient, about 40, was pale,
febrile [feverish], and obviously uncomfortable, and had little
to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of
angry red and black-and-blue scrotal skin.
After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to
remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-
smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was
swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender.
A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down
the left scrotum.
Amid the matted hair, edematous [swollen] skin, and various
exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked
the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he
had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had
closed the laceration himself with a heavy-duty stapling gun.
The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in
putting up wallboard.
We X-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the staples; admitted
him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-
spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths
prior to surgery the next morning. The procedure consisted of
exploration and debridement [removal of dead skin] of the left
side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved,
and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis
had been avulsed [ripped or torn out] and was missing. The stump
of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal,
debrided, and the vessels ligated [tied off] properly, though not
much of a hematoma [pocket of blood] was present. Through-and-
through Penrose drains [?] were sutured loosely in site, and the
skin was loosely closed.
Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the
hospital less than a week later, the patient confided the rest of
his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the
machine shop at lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself
alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by
holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large
floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he
approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close
to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the
pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and
landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left
testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the
wound closed and resumed work.
I can only assume he abandoned this method of self-gratification.
--- end ---
My sister had two thoughts:
1) is this covered by Workmans' Comp?
2) in a machine shop somewhere, somebody is asking "Hey Joe,
what's the dog playing with over there?"
Gee, talk about blowing your wad...
english.1029dejanr,
TeleJokeBook
REC.HUMOR.FUNNY Computer Network Humour Annual
Volume IV : The Best of 1991
Again this year, I have collected over 500 of the best jokes from the
latest year of rec.humor.funny, typeset them and placed them in a book
for netters to enjoy and give as gifts to their enemies for the holiday
season. It's $9.95 USD.
This year's book contains a special large chapter at the back -- the Gulf
War Jokebook. Over 15,000 words of *new* material about the war with Iraq.
This war spawned more material than any event I know of, and I've collected
all the ones that weren't recycled from previous conflicts here.
The book also contains a description of USENET and a short history of
the attempts to ban the newsgroup in various places. This year it is
emblazoned "Ban lifted at the University of Waterloo."(*)
The book has a 2 colour cover with illustration by Ty Templeton.
The winners of the 1991 RHF original comedy awards are included.
Also available are Volume I (1987 & 88), Volume II (1989) and Volume III
(1990).
Volume I is 33% larger and contains 14 original cartoons by Ty Templeton.
This year there is a deal on the package of all four books, or multiples of
Volume IV.
I never repeat material in rec.humor.funny, so for those of you who joined
after it started, and for the many of you who request back-jokes from the
group, these are the books to get. Many people buy them even when they know
all the jokes, just to get them in a nice form.
This all started in 1987 when I made a short collection (Volume \0) as a
Christmas gift for family and friends. (Somehow, I don't think they
meant books when they said that the best Christmas gifts are the ones
you make yourself.) Everybody liked them, so in 1988, and again in 1989,
I offered to the net and got an enthusiastic response. (Plus the usual
dorkish flames from Matt Crawford.) Perhaps those who got the first
or second book will review it some time in rec.humor.d or rec.arts.books.
If you are giving the book as a Christmas gift, the rot13 jokes are all in
one section at the back you can rip out if it's going to your mother. Or
Jonathan Richmond. As noted, USENET is explained for your mother, too.
I have also isolated the Computer/Science/Math jokes and the USENET jokes
into their own chapters. Non-computer folks can avoid them, and you can
read these chapters in front of your friends while laughing riotously,
allowing you to feel superior.
The "Oldies but Goodies" section contains most of the good jokes that I
rejected as "too well known to the net." When I say that, it means I think
about 50% of the readers will be tired of the joke -- but there will still
be plenty that you haven't heard.
This year's book, like last year's, is offset printed and perfect bound.
It costs the same as Volumes II and III.
Shipping & handling costs vary with where you are and how many books you
order. You can order by mail or via credit card and my company's 800 number --
ordering instructions for different areas follow in other postings.
The book is here and ready to ship. In fact, it's been here a week or two
but we've been too busy with what George Bush would call the "work thing"
to take orders. In the past, I always had it ready for Christmas, but my
move nixed that. I'll soon discover if most of the orders were for gifts :-(.
And (obviously) we won't be giving away these books as a promo at
USENIX/Uniforum '92 like we did last year, since that was a few weeks ago!
CAVEAT: This book contains jokes with swearing, sexual references and sick
or offensive themes. Some jokes involve racism or sexism and are in a
special section that can be removed. This book is not suitable for children,
presidents of the University of Waterloo, computer center head honchos at
Stanford or civil engineering grad students at MIT.
Discussion to rec.humor.d, flames to dev.null.
(*) Yes, the ban was finally lifted at UW after a long fight. However
Richmond is still active and joke-banners are everywhere. Anyway, I
pledge to use every dollar from this book to ... well, to pay for the
printing and preparation, and if I get that paid for, I pledge to use
every dollar to help myself enjoy saying, "nyah, nyah" to those who ban
things.
I will also use some of the money for the prize money in the 1991 RHF/TeleJoke
original joke awards. (Details in the next posting)
Note: This is only half (the best half, I hope!) of the material from this
year. That means that even if you had a posting this year, it is not
at all certain that you're in the book. Good luck, though.
TeleJokeBook
Rec.humor.funny Computer Network Humour Annual
Ordering Instructions
Volume I: Contains 1987 and 1988, over 700 jokes + 14 cartoons. Light
Bulb jokes, Purity Test & More
Volume II: Contains 1989, over 500 jokes + description of attempts to ban
newsgroup
Volume III: Contains 1990, over 500 jokes + new "True News" chapter.
Volume IV: Contains 1991, plus special "Iraq War" chapter.
All books contain 2 chapters of general jokes, plus chapters of Computer
& Science jokes, topical humour, USENET jokes, Classic jokes and Nasty,
evil jokes.
How to order the TeleJokeBooks worldwide:
(San Francisco Bay Area Folk -- look for another posting to find out how
to buy direct.)
You can use the mail, or order using my toll free 800 number in the USA
with a major credit card. I can send the book to you either by surface
mail (about 1 week) or air mail (a few days) as you choose.
If you order by mail, mail a check or money order to:
(Make check payable to ClariNet Communications Corp.)
Jokebook
c/o ClariNet Communications Corp
Box 1479
Cupertino, CA 95015-1479
Please include a mailing label for the return package. A stick on label
would be great, but a plain cut piece of paper would be fine. In your
order, include the number of copies you want, how you want them shipped,
and your EMAIL address in case there's any problem.
Toll Free Ordering
You can dial 1-800-USE-NETS (800-873-6387) from within the USA to order.
(Outside, dial 1-408-296-0366) When you call, please have ready with you:
- The type, card number and expiry date of your credit card.
(MasterCard, Visa or American Express) Also give your name here
if it's being mailed to a different person.
- The name and address to ship the book to.
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- Your EMAIL address in case there's any problem.
After hours, or when we're busy, the voicemail system can take orders.
Press 2, then 1 and listen for instructions. Finish each entry with
a touchtone code.
P R I C E S
Volume IV Volume III Volume II Volume I ALL
1991 1990 1989 1987 & 1988 FOUR
$9.95 USD $9.95 USD $9.95 USD $13 USD $39.95 USD
2-10 $9/book
California residents add 8.25% state sales tax.
Canadian residents: You can send us Canadian cheques. Multiply the USD
amount by 1.19 and send it in Canadian funds if you desire.
Shipping & Handling:
The following charts assume volumes 2-4. Volume 1 weighs a bit more than
volumes 2-4, so if you include multiple volume I copies, your shipping may
end up a little higher than this.
U.S.A shipping
Shipping is done via the mail. UPS is also available for large ground shipped
orders. We'll charge you UPS's price plus a dollar or so to cover packaging
and our time. UPS 2nd day air is $6 and next day is available.
Books Air Mail Surface Mail (book rate)
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For combinations of the books or unusual quantities we will bill you an
amount based on the actual postage and similar algorithm to that used above.
Or e-mail for an exact quote.
You can also order by E-MAIL if you are brave enough to include your credit
card information in non-secure USENET mail. Mail the order form below to
jokebook@clarinet.com. (Actually, if you're near UUNET or other major
sites it's probably fairly safe -- you can contest any non-signed credit
card billing anyway -- but I make *no* guarantees about the security of
net E-mail) Note as well that sending orders via the NSFnet (and some other
nets) may violate some network use guidelines.
You can also FAX credit card information, your name, address,
quantity of books and shipping method to 1-408-296-1668.
People in overseas areas are encouraged to arrange bulk orders,
where we can save a lot on consolidated air freight if it's 30 books or more.
We're also happy to work with people setting up bulk orders for other faraway
(or nearby) places.
======================================================================
Order Form (for electronic, fax or mailed credit card orders)
Mail to "jokebook@clarinet.com" via commerce-valid(*) E-mail path.
(*)Ie. not crossing the NSFNet or other restricted network. UUNET & CIX
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english.1030dejanr,
This joke has four parts, OK? First part: A couple is out to dinner at a
restaurant. When the waitress comes, the man orders two steaks. The woman
says "Why did you order me a steak? I don't want a steak!" and the man
replies "Fuck you! *I'm* ordering the dinners here!"
Second part: The same couple is at home. The woman serves coffee and puts
a little cream in it. The man says, "Why did you put cream in the coffee?
I like black coffee!" and the woman replies "Fuck you! *I'm* making the
coffee here!"
Fourth part: . . .
[At this point, someone will say "You skipped the third part!" or "You
mean third" or something, at which point you finish off with the obvious:]
Fuck you! *I'm* telling the joke here!
[Suggestion: In a group, there's always some wiseass who will set up the
punch line. But if you're telling to only one or two, you might feign a
little confusion at the beginning ("Now I always get this joke out of
order, let me think . . .") which predisposes your hearers to "help out"
when you skip the third part.]
english.1031dejanr,
Note: A "b'rucha" is a Jewish blessing or prayer.
A devout Jewish man is shocked when his young son brings home a Christmas
tree. Not wanting to upset the boy, while remaining true to his beliefs,
he seeks the advice of his Orthodox rabbi. "Rabbi," he asks, "is there
a b'rucha to say over a Christmas tree?" "Christmas tree," replies the
puzzled rabbi, "what's a Christmas tree?"
Saddened, but undaunted, he decides to consult another rabbi, this time
a Conservative. "Rabbi," he asks, "is there a b'rucha to say over a
Christmas tree?" "Christmas tree," asks the rabbi, "what's a Christmas
tree?"
Finally, he visits a Reform rabbi, and poses the same question. "Rabbi,
is there a b'rucha one can say over a Christmas tree?" "B'rucha," asks
the rabbi, "what's a b'rucha?"
english.1032dejanr,
Computer-generated religion is not new -- we've been using it
to help us develop our beliefs for years. For example:
* The Eastern Sikh Faith believes that the Satanic Verses was
written by Walt Disney, and argues that Man will yield to
the Last Trump.
* The Funni Taoist Church denies that the Koran contains a
direct reference to Mumon, and argues that we should beware
Nirvana.
To generate YOUR own belief, choose one from each section below
(in best buzzword generator style):
The
*
Arian
Athanasian
Roman
Sunni
Funni
Eastern
Presbyterian
United Reform
Anglican
Jehovah's
Jewish
Fundamentalist
Shiite
Zen
Hari
Shinto
Zoroastrian
Christian
Salvation
Seventh Day
*
Catholic
Protestant
Muslim
Mussulman
Moonie
Mormon
Witnesses
Sikh
Buddhist
Krishna
Methodist
Fire-worshipper
Parsee
Theosophist
Science
Army
Adventist
Confucianist
Shamanist
Taoist
Atheist
*
Church
Faith
Sect
Heresy
*
believes that
denies that
is strongly divided over whether
*
the Bible
the Koran
the Magna Carta
the Kama Sutra
the Talmud
the Satanic Verses
the Mosaic Law
the book of Revelation
the collection of predictions of Nostradamus
Greek myth
every Norse saga
the Ten Commandments
the Apocrypha
the Athanasian creed
*
predicts the eventual supremacy of
contains a direct reference to
has been misunderstood by
proclaims the divinity of
is an insult to
was dictated by
was written by
contains the personal opinions of
was totally refuted by
can be deduced from the writings of
*
Isaiah,
Salman Rushdie,
the Ayatollah,
Thomas Aquinas,
Billy Graham,
the Angel Gabriel,
St Paul,
Mahomet,
Walt Disney,
Ezekiel,
Dan Quayle,
Gautama Buddha,
Odin and Thor
Pope John-Paul II,
Adolf Hitler,
Bishop Spong,
Mumon,
Martin Scorcese,
Demons,
*
and
*
says
claims
argues
*
that
*
we should strive for
the world will end with
we should beware
next week we shall see
the ungodly are about to experience
only the faithful will achieve
the chosen ones have already experienced
Man will yield to
idols are propitiated by
*
Reincarnation.
a visit from the Recording Angel.
Damnation.
the Last Trump.
Enlightenment.
Heaven.
Hell.
Purgatory.
sex.
Nirvana.
Mount Olympus.
Martyrdom.
the Second Coming.
the sound of one hand clapping.
the Superman.
Brass Bands.
Birth Control.
human sacrifices.
the Turin Shroud.
english.1033dejanr,
HEAVY BOOTS
About 6-7 years ago, I was in a philosophy class at the University of
Wisconsin, Madison (good science/engineering school) and the teaching
assistant was explaining Descartes. He was trying to show how things
don't always happen the way we think they will and explained that,
while a pen always falls when you drop it on Earth, it would just
float away if you let go of it on the Moon.
My jaw dropped a little. I blurted "What?!" Looking around the room,
I saw that only my friend Mark and one other student looked confused
by the TA's statement. The other 17 people just looked at me like
"What's your problem?"
"But a pen would fall if you dropped it on the Moon, just more
slowly." I protested.
"No it wouldn't." the TA explained calmly, "because you're too far
away from the Earth's gravity."
Think. Think. Aha! "You saw the APOLLO astronauts walking around on
the Moon, didn't you?" I countered, "why didn't they float away?"
"Because they were wearing heavy boots." he responded, as if this made
perfect sense (remember, this is a Philosophy TA who's had plenty of
logic classes).
By then I realized that we were each living in totally different
worlds, and did not speak each others language, so I gave up. As we
left the room, my friend Mark was raging. "My God! How can all those
people be so stupid?"
I tried to be understanding. "Mark, they knew this stuff at one time,
but it's not part of their basic view of the world, so they've
forgotten it. Most people could probably make the same mistake."
To prove my point, we went back to our dorm room and began randomly
selecting names from the campus phone book. We called about 30 people
and asked each this question:
1. If you're standing on the Moon holding a pen, and you let go,
will it a) float away, b) float where it is, or c) fall to the
ground?
About 47 percent got this question correct. Of the ones who got
it wrong, we asked the obvious follow-up question:
2. You've seen films of the APOLLO astronauts walking around on the
Moon, why didn't they fall off?
About 20 percent of the people changed their answer to the first
question when they heard this one! But the most amazing part was that
about half of them confidently answered, "Because they were wearing
heavy boots."
I say, science education must be at an all time peak !!!
english.1034dejanr,
OBHistory Lesson. New Mexico was a state with Santa Fe the capitol 10 years
before the pilgrims hit Massachusetts. Things haven't improved much in Santa
Fe... Texas wasn't even thought of then. Since then, Texans have actually
invaded New Mexico with armed parties (got their butts kicked) and have since
tried invasion with tourism and real estate tactics. (Keep coming, we want
your money!) With that out of the way, here are some jokes.
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Then He turned around
and someone else made texas.
The best thing about texas is that it is the only state which can legally
secede from the union.
The worst thing about texas is that it hasn't.
texas: Where you can see farther and see less than any place on earth.
Q> What is the difference between a texas beauty and a hereford?
A> oh, about 10 lbs.
You know you're leaving texas when you see more stickers on the plants than on
the bumpers.
If God had wanted texans to ski....
1 - He would have given them a mountain.
2 - He would have made BS white.
If God had wanted New Mexicans to ski, He would have given them money.
If God had not wanted texans to ski, He wouldn't have given them New Mexico and
Colorado.
Then there was the time when an Okie (Agriculturally challenged person of
Oklahoma persuasion) baught an outhouse. He figured he'd make money renting
the basement to a texan.
texas: It's a great place to be from... away from.
Given that the worst representation of any group is the tourists, and that
these are the ones that are most represented, it is to be understood that
the prevalant opinions of tejanos by New Mexicans is based on the tourists.
The author realizes that there are many fine people from... wait, I'm
apologising to texans!!!
But along those lines, our church group was on a ski weekend with a texas
group and a cute little texan and I were walking one evening through the
snow. She brought up that she'd never heard a texas joke, and had heard that
I had a million. Goodness her eyes were pretty. But to save my life, the
only joke I could remember, to answer her persistance was,
Q>Why is New Mexico dry?
A>BECAUSE TEXAS SUCKS!!!
Did you hear about the texan who saw a sign that said "wet cement" so he did.
What does it sound like when you run over a dog?
RRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkthudthud.
What does it sound like when you run over a lawyer?
VVVRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMthudthud.
What does it sound like when you run over a texan?
VVVRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMthudthudRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkk.
clickclick
VVVRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMthudthudRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkk.
clickclick
VVVRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMthudthud.
texas: Where a man is a man...
but always seems to have to prove it again and again.
[this joke is best when spoken, particularly with accents]
Once a couple of texans were driving through Albuquerque. When they stopped
for gas, the attendant noticed that their Cadillac (with the cow horns on the
hood) was loaded down with camping gear. The attendant asked where they were
heading.
"Wa-ill," Drawled the texan, "war a headin' up thuh Jay-may-ezz Mountin's"
"Excuse me,? Where?"
"Up thuh Jay-may-ezz Mountins, Nawrth of heah"
The attendant scratched his head. "You know, I've lived here all my life
and I have no idea where you're talking about."
"Wa-ill, if'n yuh go up tuh Burn-uh-lill-o, hang a laift, go up to
San-wy-sid-ruh, hang a right'n keep awn a goin', Yuh'll be in the jay-may-ezz
Mountins."
"OOOhhhh, I get it! You see, here in New Mexico, we pronounce spanish
names with the spanish pronunciation. A 'j' is pronounced like an 'h'; a
double 'l' is pronounced like a 'y'; and 'y' and 'i' are pronounced like a
double 'e'. So, you're going up to Bernallilo (ber-nal-ee-yo), then San
Ysidro (san ee-seed-ro) and then up into the Jemez (Hey-mes) Mountains,"
explained the attendant. "Anyway you guys look like you're loaded down,
how long are you gonna be up there?"
"Oh, war cummin' back sometime late Hune, early Huly."
english.1035dejanr,
[VPI, 12/9] "May you live in an interesting time!" said a Chinese curse.
Obviously we are in one of such.
Yesterday, there was a show-down between Mr Gorbachev and Mr Boris N.
Yeltsin. Mr Yeltsin and another two leaders from the Ukraine and
Byelorussia want to abandon the Soviet Union, and move the capital from
Moscow to Minsk in Byelorussia.
"The reason that we move the capital away from Moscow, is, apparently,
it is running out of food there." quote a spokesman of Mr Yeltsin.
Obviously, the democratic government of Russia has put scientific new
thinking into action, for example, the migration habit of variety of
animals.
But Mr Gorbachev disagreed. "Isn't that so obvious that you try to put
me out of job?" (Note: this is a condensation from his original
speech, which, if translated directly, is much too long to fit into a
news report.)
Some critics say, though, even they sound so vastly different with each
other, actually their ideas are very similar: Mr Yeltsin wants
a commonwealth made up the original republics, while Mr Gorbachev wants
a confederation, made up also of the original republics.
"After all, it is just the difference of the names, you really cannot
tell the difference between their contents --- because both of them are
empty." commented a Soviet specialist (will be dubbed as "commonwealth
specialist" or "confederation specialist"), "the real problem here is:
who said that name first, then who would get the credit."
One of Gorbachev's close associates said in private: "Gorbachev is very
unhappy after the meeting [with Yeltsin], Boris is very inconsiderate ---
he already has the job as the Russian president, he does not need to
propose a new idea to get a job. On the other hand, Mr Gorbachev is on
the verge of unemployment, so it's neccesary for him to propose a new
idea to create a new job."
However, a Florida Realtor agent said, "Hours after the [Gorbachev -
Yeltsin] meeting, Gorby called us up inquiring about the mortgage and
interest rates at Palm Beach." This is an encouraging sign that after
several years of democratic reform and opening up, Mr Gorbachev is
getting familar with the Western economics. "He seems to be puzzled
when we told him that it is a good time to buy a house because the US
economy is in recession right now. But he became happy when we told
him that all that means is: you can get a cheap house."
The White House spokesman said at the news conference that "Mr
Gorbachev and President Bush is discussing the possibility of extending
the unemployment benefit to certain Russian citizens, for example,
Soviet President." Actually Mr Gorbachev is very familiar with American
politics, "Mr Gorbachev suggests to Mr Bush that, 'if we want to do it,
do it RIGHT NOW, because your Congress is in recess'."
There are some worrying signs, though. There is talking in the town of
Moscow that there will be another coup, because Mr Gorbachev is quoted
as saying: "The act [of Mr Yeltsin and other two leaders of the
republics] is unconstitutional." It is a very similar situation in the
August Coup, when Mr Gorbachev was oustered while in vacation, and Mr
Yeltsin declared that it "was unconstitutional to do that".
However, there is some unsolved technical details about this new coup,
for example, where should it take place, Moscow or Minsk? Are there
enough gas in the army to drive the tanks? etc.
[VPI: Very Possible Information]
english.1036dejanr,
I loved the list of viola jokes you sent out! Here's a couple more:
If you're driving down the street and you see a violist and a conductor
walking by, which one do you hit first?
The conductor: business before pleasure.
How is playing viola like peeing in a dark suit?
It gives you a warm feeling, but no one notices, and no one really cares.
english.1037dejanr,
The newest smilies:
C:\> user is MS-DOS user
$:[] user is VMS user
$::[] user uses VMS and DECNET network, or
$::[] user is a four-eyed monster with something funny on his head, or
$::[] user is a DECNET monster
english.1038dejanr,
This morning a man with "religious hallucinations" told a
cabdriver he wanted to go to California to see God. When
he couldn't come up with the $300.00 fare, the cabbie took
him to the Greyhound station where he hijacked a bus. He
made it as far as Colton, California where he made a wrong
turn, stopped the bus, and was killed by police.
He has been dismissed in the media as a crackpot, but he
DID make it to California and he DID see God.
english.1039dejanr,
A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of house juggling
a clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase. He knocks on the door and it's
answered by a middle-aged man, "Mornin' stranger, what can I do for ya?".
"Well sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum, and Holtz. We're paid by
private companies to canvas thousands of consumers like yourself for
feedback on their products. Today we're soliciting comments on Vaseline
petroleum jelly. Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?"
"I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt, fire away young man",
says the homeowner.
Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks, "Okay...first, you
do use Vaseline, correct?".
"Yessir, for as long as I can remember".
"Great, now what exactly do you use it for?" replies the survey-taker with
his pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.
"Let's see.....we use it for dry skin, chapped lips, and sex."
The well-dressed man stops writing abruptly. He looks around, leans
forward and in a low voice says "We pride ourselves in being very thorough
sir. I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips. But would
you mind telling me how you use it for sex?".
"No problem," the homeowner says in a whisper, "we put it on our bedroom
doorknob". The survey-taker gets a strange look on his face and takes a step
backwards before the homeowner continues, "It keeps the kids out".
english.1040dejanr,
whereis biff? crypt at source. biff cut yacc tail, yacc cut biff
finger.
"awk!," sed biff.
"ar, ar!" sed yacc.
ksh, bash! man cut head, kill yacc at last, make strings.
exit crypt, find mail from su. od. "date? yes." biff find su nice.
make time, date. find su at wall. tee, talk.
ed: "tip: find jobs, biff."
"yes, make tar," sed biff.
su, biff date more: touch, strip, sleep.
"su, inetd perl," sed biff.
"yes!" sed su.
english.1041dejanr,
How to identify scientists:
Chem Prof: Wears a white lab coat. This may actually be clean
but does not have to be. P-chem profs have a brand new coat that
has never been in the lab; polymer chem profs have strange glop
on their coat, and intro chem profs have acid holes.
Physics Prof: Wears blue jeans and a flannel shirt. May sometimes
forget to wear shirt altogether. If a professor is wearing blue
jeans and suspenders, ten to one he is a physicist. Physics profs
often have German accents, but this is not a distingushing
characteristic. Be wary of psychologists with fake Viennese accents
which can sound similar to the unwary.
Bio Prof: Sometimes wears a lab coat, though usually this is the
sign of a biochemist. Marine biologists walk around in hip boots
for no explainable reason, even in the middle of winter. They
are apt to wear grey slacks and smell like fish, as opposed to
most biologists, who smell strongly of formalin. Microbiology
instructors go around in spotless white coats, refuse to drink
beer on tap, and wipe all their silverware before using it.
Never loan money to a bio prof, no matter how much he asks.
Psych Prof: Psychologists are not real scientists, and can be
easily identified by their screams of protest whenever anyone
questions whether psychology is a science. Psych people have
beady little eyes and don't laugh at jokes about psychology.
If you are not sure whether a person is a scientist or a
comparative religion instructor, he is probably a psychologist.
CS Prof: Most CS profs are from India or Pakistan. You can tell
by the gestures and accents. This is not a bad thing, though many
of the American CS professors tend to pick up Indian accents which
confounds more specific identification. Like mushrooms, CS students
only come out at night, and, if not Indian, tend to take on a
pasty appearance. CS professors do not use computers and therefore
can be easily identified by their comparative good health with
respect to their students. Many CS professors do not even know how
to use computers, and are actually mathematicians or psychologists
in disguise. Avoid these people.
Math Prof: Math profs are like physics professors except without
any practical bent. A math professor will have only books and
pencils in his office, as opposed to the piles of broken equipment
that physicists keep. Mathematicians scorn the use of computers
and calculators and often have difficulty splitting bills in
restaurants. The easy way to identify a mathematician is by the
common use of the phrases "It can be shown that..." and "Is left
as an exercise to the student..."
english.1042dejanr,
The secretary general of the UN decided to have a report-writing
contest for the various Western ambassadors. The subject was to
be arbitrary, and the titles of the report should reflect something
of the character of the representative nation.
The Secretary General decided on the topic: elephants. A coupls
of days later, he received the various reports. The titles were
as follows:
France: "Elephants -- a love story."
England: "Elephants and their effect on the British Empire."
USA: "How to build the biggest, bestest, fastest and most
expensive elephant!"
Canada: "Elephants: a federal or provincial matter?"
english.1043dejanr,
From ginger::ginger::mrgate::"a1::michaelc" Thu Dec 26 17:10:48 1991
From: NAME: Michael J. Clark
FUNC: Security
TEL: (603)535-2330 <MICHAELC AT A1 AT GINGER>
To: michaelc@oz@mrgate
Author: Michael J. Clark
AUTOMATION IN THE 20th CENTURY
By Michael J. Clark
The setting is a typical bedroom, a woman is in the bed asleep,
next to her bed is a night stand with an alarm clock and a
telephone. Suddenly the woman awakens to the sound of a strange
noise in the house, she looks around, starts to panic and then
picks up her phone to call the police.
Woman: (Startled and panicked, talking out loud to herself in a
low tone) "I-I-I-I've got to call the police, there's someone
here, oh God I know there is, let's see...what's the number,
(she nervously punches the numbers into the phone.)
After a few rings the phone is answered, there is a delay, then
we hear: "Welcome to our emergency phone mate 911, the automated
emergency answering system, the latest in emergency response
technology! If you are calling from a touch tone phone, please
enter a 1 at the tone, enter now"......(the woman looks both
shocked and puzzled as she nervously punches in a "1") "Thank
you, our emergency phone mate 911 recognizes that you are
calling from a touch tone phone......To serve you better your
police and emergency services have set up this system to route
your call to the appropriate emergency service personnel......If
you are in need of police assistance enter a 5, if you require
information in Spanish, enter 7, in Chinese enter 4, in Greek
enter 9, in French enter 6 or Italian enter an 8, if you wish
fire or medical service enter a 3 and the corresponding
numerical code for the language in which you will be speaking or
in need of translation......to repeat the previous information
please enter 0.......Enter your code now please"......(the
woman, who has now gone from fear and panic to being irritated
and confused enters a 5 and waits.....) "Emergency phone mate
911 recognizes that you have requested police assistance in
English....In order to better serve you, please enter the
appropriate number at the tone....a 1 if your call is not an
emergency, a 2 if you need information, a 3 if you are
returning a call from a police official, a 4 if you are
inquiring about a parking ticket, or a 5 if this is an
emergency, enter your code now"........(she shakes her head and
rolls her eyes and enters a 5 quite forcefully) "Emergency phone
mate 911 recognizes that you have a police emergency, please
enter a 1 if it is a life threatening emergency, a 2 if it is a
non life threatening emergency, a 3 if there are weapons
involved, a 4 if there are multiple perpetrators, a 5 if the
perpetrators are non English speaking and will require a Miranda
warning in any other language....Please be sure to enter the
appropriate language code if you enter a 5....if the police
emergency is a non life threatening rape or physical assault
please enter a 7.......
-2-
(the woman now has lost her temper, she punches in a 2 saying
out loud "How the hell do I know if it's life threatening or not
you imbecile!) "Emergency phone mate 911 recognizes that you
have a police emergency that is non life threatening, emergency
phone mate will now direct your call to the appropriate
department for response.....please hold while your call is
transferred.....(we hear ringing......, the phone is answered)
"Dunkin Donuts, may I help you?" ........
english.1044dejanr,
Mr. Jones got home after a long day at work only to find his wife waiting
for him at the door to tell him that their son had gotten into trouble at
school.
Mr. Jones headed up the stairs to his son's room and walked in.
"Your mother tells me you got into trouble today, Johnny."
"Aw, Dad... it wasn't much."
"C'mon son, what did you do?"
Johnny looking very uncomfortable fessed up. "Today I got laid for
the first time."
"You got laid at school?!!" Mr. Jones exclaimed with pride. "Your only 14!
I was 17...."
Mr. Jones trailed off and a thoughtful expression crossed his face.
"Son, your mother expects me to punish you. What I am going to do is hit
the bed several times. I want you to yell as though I am spanking you,
and then tomorrow I will bring home that new red bicycle that you have
been wanting."
So Mr. Jones hit the bed and little Johnny yelled and cried a little and
Mrs. Jones was glad the her husband had taken control of the situation.
The next day when Mr. Jones got home from work he had a bright red, shiny,
new bicycle with him. When Johnny came out, Mr. Jones expected him to
just jump on and take off riding. When Johnny did not mount the bike he
asked his son, "Is anything wrong son? Oh, I am so proud of you. I told
all the guys at work how MY son had gotten laid at the age of 14. Isn't
this the bike you wanted?"
"Oh, sure Dad. I've wanted this bike for a long time, but do you mind if I
wait until tomorrow before I ride it? My butt is still sore from yesterday."
english.1045dejanr,
It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself
working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he
found that he had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first
one he asked, "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190".
They discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the
second new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the
newcomer's IQ. The answer this time came "120". To which Einstein
replied, "Tell me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they
proceeded to talk for half an hour or so. To the final arrival, Einstein
once again posed the question, "What's your IQ?". Upon receiving the
answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked, "Got a minute to tell me
about VMS 4.0?"
english.1046dejanr,
Two brunettes and a blonde walk into a bar. Stepping up to the bar the first
brunette asks for a "W.W." The bartender not knowing what she wanted politely
asked if she could explain just what a "W.W." is. The brunette replied that
it was a white wine.
The second brunette walks up to the bar and asks for a "V.S." The bartender, a
little perplexed now, looks at her and asks, "is this is stump the bartender
night or what." The brunette giving a teasing smile tells the bartender that a
"V.S." is a vodka sour. The bartender gave her the drink and she walked away.
The blonde steps up to the bar and giggling she asks for a "15." The
bartender, a little fed up with these ladies, rather rudely asks ,
HELL a "15" is?!?" The blond promptly replies, "like, duh, you know...
a 7-7!"
english.1047dejanr,
In this newsgroup, I encourage original comedy. In have picked
the best *original* jokes of the previous year. Generally, to qualify,
items have to be mailed to "original@clarinet.com" to tag them as
original.
This year's 1st place winner is:
dweinste@gnu.ai.mit.edu (David Weinstein)
Who wrote, "If Milli Vanilli fall in the woods, does someone else
make a sound?"
He wins:
$100 cash! Well, a cheque, really.
1 year E-mail subscription to Dave Barry's column (or
ClariNet column of his choice.)
Free TeleJokebook Volumes III & IV (containing winning joke)
Alice Pascal for IBM-PC or Atari ST. (Value $100)(*)
(*)If you want a neat syntax directed programming environment,
that is. So sue me.
David writes that he did indeed think of this joke on his own, though
some have reported to him that others thought of it as well.
Second place is:
jdwren@aardvark.ucs.uoknor.edu (Jonathan)
For a great story about how to deal with Radio Shack Droids who want your
name and address. He wins $40 in cash, plus free jokebooks, an E-mail
Dave Barry column subscription and the GEnie online credit, if applicable.
The Honourable Mentions go to:
stevec@bu-pub.bu.edu (Steve Connelly)
-For a cyberpunk version of the Wizard of Oz
HAUSMANN_MADDI@tandem.com (Maddi Hausmann)
-For a top 10 list of reasons Saddam didn't live Kuwait last Jan 15
fruitbat@leland.stanford.edu (Thomas Fruchterman)
-Who was instructed to abide by the Stanford Code in all actions
while writing a take-home final, and so billed the government
for remodeling his house.
(Where are you Thomas? Your e-mail bounced.)
They get a free TeleJokeBook, a free E-mail subscription and an online
credit if they are GEnie subscribers. Sorry, no cash.
english.1048dejanr,
During the Christmas advertising season, I finally figured out why the U.S.
has lost its competitive edge:
Radio Shack is America's technology store.
english.1049dejanr,
A physics TA is trying to help a student through a problem:
TA: "OK, what is this length here?" (pointing to line on diagram)
Student: "Ummm.... x-naught?"
TA: "No...."
Student: "Sure it's not x-naught?"
TA: "Yes, I'm sure."
Student: (confused) "Ummm.... Why not?"
TA: "y-naught, very good..."
english.1050dejanr,
On Christmas eve, the young couple decided to exchange one gift
that each thought the other would really like. The husband picked out
a gift and smiling, handed it to his spouse. She opened it up to find
a dress. The color was not right, and it was out of style, so she
angerly threw it on the floor and stormed out the room. Feeling hurt, he
opened her gift to find a horrid pair of green pants. Venting his
anger, he tossed them aside, and they landed up on the tree.
Well, after a few minutes, they both came back into the room. They
looked at each other and apologized for being so mean. The wife said "Honey,
I though you would really like those slacks and I'm sorry I threw your
dress on the floor. You must have spent a lot of time picking it out." to
which her husband replied "Dear, I feel the same way. Looking at them now,
I see they're a fine pair." So they kissed. He pulled down his pants, she
picked up her dress, and they had a wonderful Christmas.
english.1051dejanr,
The following smilies have been classified "18".
They are only suitable for children above the age of 18.
And perhaps not even for all of them.
This family of smilies has been constructed with two new symbols
===D and C===, which both mean the same thing.
:-) ===D user is thinking of sex
:-) ========D user is perverted
:-( =D user is frigid
:-) C==== user is sexually excited
8-]~ ====D user need sex urgently (notice how he drools?)
:-) ===D... user has been doing it
:-) ==D C== user is homosexual
:-) ==D (-: user likes oral sex
===D 8-O fuck me!
;-] ===D fuck you!
==D ==D #:-) C== C== user is Ciccollina
english.1052dejanr,
This is my friend Greg's official guide to late night video fare. I
think that the requirement for viewing The Abyss alone makes this
worthwhile reading.
Not responsible for advice taken.
From: greg@irvine.com (Mr. Racquetball)
Subject: Re: movies and postmodern aesthetics.
Film Category Requires for maximum enjoyment:
============================ ========= ===============================
The Cook, The Thief, His
Wife and Her Lover Weird Chocolate pudding
Raising Arizona Satire Cheetoes and Captain Crunch Snak Mix
Legend Fantasy Chicken Pot Pie
The Thing (the remake) Horror A tub of spaghetti
Andy Warhol's Dracula French Fresh bread and grape juice
My Dinner with Andre Weird A straightjacket and 4 caffeine pills
Eraser Head Weird Babysitting an infant
Brazil Satire A hard day at the office
La Femme Nikita French A sharp pencil and a bitch in boots
Hellraiser B-flick A Rubic's Cube and a box of nails
Colossus, The Forbin Project Old-SciFi A TRW credit report
Thin Blue Line Documtry A room at the Motel 6
Clockwise Satire High blood pressure
Tie Me Up - Tie Me Down Spanish A weekend with a hostage
Monsieur Hire French Binoculars
True Stories Satire TV Dinners
Silence of the Lambs Suspense Steaks rare with potato skins.
Taxi Driver Suspense A mohawk and a place to do push-ups
Blood Simple Suspense A hot summer's night
Last Exit to Brooklyn Drama A suicide letter
After Hours Satire Someone else's car keys
Paris Texas Drama Photos of strangers
Dangerous Liasons
(with Glenn Close) Drama A naked friend and some writing paper
9 1/2 Weeks Drama A Love Slave
The Abyss Suspense A plastic bag over your head
english.1053dejanr,
A Final Visit From Saint Nicholas
_________________________________
'Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear--
that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here
inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;
the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;
I opened a beer as I watched TV,
where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie;
the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.
While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss
'bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us;
"Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist;
"Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"
When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
'twas our burgler alarm, and I hollered, "Who's there?"
I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.
Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
was caught in our eight foot electrified fence;
he called out, "I'm Santa! I bring you no malice!"
Said I, "if you're Santa, I'm Telly Savalas!"
But, lo, as his pressence grew clear to me,
I saw in the glare that it just might be he!
I called off our doberman clawing his sleigh
and, frisking him twice, said, "I think he's ok."
I led him inside where he slumped in a chair,
and he poured out the following tale of dispair;
"On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling,
but now 'neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling."
"You'll note I've arrived with no reindeer this year,
and without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer;
although I would like to continue to use them,
the wildlife officials believe I abuse them."
"To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by
and told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky;
I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections,
and bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections."
"Last April my workers came forth with demands,
and I soon had a general strike on my hands;
I couldn't afford to pay unionized elves,
so the missus and I did the work ourselves."
"And then, later on, came additional trouble--
an avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble;
my Allstate insurance was worthless, because
they had shrewdly slipped in a 'no avalanche' clause."
"And after that came an I.R.S audit;
the government claimed I was out to defraud it;
they finally nailed me for 65 grand,
which I paid through the sale of my house and my land."
"And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare
flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air;
not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread,
taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead."
"My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings,
I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings.
And if you should ask why I'm glowing tonight,
it's from flying too close to a nuclear site."
He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh,
and I couldn't help notice a tear in his eye;
"I've tried," he declared, "to reverse each defeat,
but I fear that today I've become obsolete."
He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh,
and these last words he spoke as he went on his way;
"no longer can I do the job that's required;
if anyone asks, just say, 'Santa's retired!'".
english.1054dejanr,
This corporate swindler, Michael Milken or Ivan Boesky type guy ends up in
prison after being caught. He's terrified, because his cellmate is this
great big meanlooking hairy guy with tattoos all over him.
Some days go by, the hairy guy says, "hey Wall Street you like to play
games?"
The Wall Street guy thinks to himself, I better say yes. If I say no he'll
probably kill me, but it'll probably be hell anyway if I say yes. So he
says "yes."
The hairy guy begins to smile. "So," he says, "what do you like to play?
You like to play cops and robbers? Maybe you like to play house?"
The Wall Street begins to sweat. Shit, he's thinking, if we do cops and
robbers and I'm the cops, he'll probably kill me, and the same'll
probably happen if I'm the robbers. I better choose house. So he says
aloud, "yeah, actually, I do like to play house."
The hairy guy begins to grin and nod his head. "So, you like to play
house, that's great. Who do you want to be, the mummy or the daddy?"
By this time the Wall Street guy is near creaming in his pants with
fear. Shit, he thinks, if I'm the Mommy I know what's going to happen
to me. I better be the daddy. So he says, "Actually, I kind of like
being the daddy."
The hairy guy laughs. "Oh, so you're the daddy, huh? Well, come on over
here and suck Mommy's dick."
english.1055dejanr,
We've heard all the reasons why Beer is Better than Women, and
why Cucumbers are Better than Men. Its about time we had
BEER vs. CUCUMBERS!
Reasons Why Beer is Better than Cucumbers
-----------------------------------------
You can't get drunk, no matter how many cucumbers you eat.
Beer bottles don't get sprayed with pesticides
Beer bottles don't shrivel up and grow mouldy if you leave
them in the fridge for a month.
Beer is always in season.
Beer removes unsightly flab and wrinkles (on the person
you're looking at, if you drink enough of it :-)
Eating cucumbers to forget doesn't work.
Reasons Why Cucumbers are Better than Beer
------------------------------------------
Cucumbers won't give you a hangover.
Cucumbers have fewer calories.
Your wife won't complain about you sitting around all day
watching TV and eating cucumbers.
You can grow your own cucumbers without buying lots of equipment.
Your wife won't complain that your breath stinks of cucumbers.
You can eat as many cucumbers as you like, and drive home later.
You can open a cucumber using only your teeth.
Having your face slashed with a cucumber doesn't hurt (much).
You can eat the whole cucumber, skin 'n' all.
A cucumber won't shatter if you drop it on the ground.
You can shake up a cucumber, and it won't explode when you bite it.
You don't have to worry about getting cucumber stains on your clothes.
[The cucumbers seem to take it on numbers. So why do I prefer beer?]
english.1056dejanr,
"The Software Blues"
by Fred Barrett
Hey diddle, diddle,
The bug's in the middle,
Of my interrupt service routine...
My stack has been popped,
My constants are not,
My buffers are pulling my strings...
The time that it took,
To compile all this gook,
Was productive, at least so it seemed...
It gave me a chance,
To rebuild the shell,
From the last time we blew the machine...
We hope to be done,
In a matter of days,
Version 12 of the software is due...
Then it's out to the street,
In the marketing heat,
To generate this month's revenue...
No, I can't really say,
Which problems were fixed,
Or which parts you have to buy new...
But the A.E. will call,
And it all will be solved,
By new PROM's being FedEx'd to you...
We are glad that you called,
We were happy to help,
We're proud of response time, it's true...
That should fix all the bugs,
but it won't change the fact,
That your project is now long overdue!
english.1057dejanr,
There's a trial going on now in Northern Virginia where a fertility doctor
(Cecil? Jacobson) is accused of providing the sperm that he used to
inseminate at least a dozen of his patients (some estimates up to 50 or 60).
One of his nurses said that he was often seen carrying a bottle into the
mens room just before doing one of these procedures.
So what's so bad about that? Seems to me that what he needs is a good
publicist, so I offer these top 10 slogans that Doctor Jacobson should have
been using:
10. We recycle everything -- absolutely no waste.
9. Open wide and say "ahh"
8. We pass the savings on to you.
7. Donor is personally guaranteed to be a college graduate.
6 Well, I could stop by your place, say 7 oclock..?
5. We test and test and test again.
4. High volume means lower prices, day after day.
3. It's a tough, thankless job but someone's gotta do it..
2. Ten years from now your kid can come to a family reunion
with all my kids.
and the number one slogan Doctor Jacobson SHOULD have been using:
1. "You can't get it any fresher than this."
english.1058dejanr,
Bob Kerry (who lost a leg in Viet Nam) was asked if he resents Bill Clinton
for avoiding the draft.
Kerry responded: "Do I resent him? Well, a part of me does."
english.1059dejanr,
The night before Christmas......
'Twas the night before Christmas, an all through the block,
Not a creature was stirring, not even Ed Kotch.
The stockings were hung, by the furnace with care.
In hopes that by morning, they'd all still be there.
Me an this skank, were just getting ready for bed.
I wore pajamas, she had a paper bag for her head.
When up on the roof, I heard a big crash,
I thought it was a burglar, I was gonna kick ass!
I went out on the fire escape, looked up in the sky,
An what did I see, but this freakin fat guy!
With a red suit and boots, that came up to his knees,
In the moonlight he looked, just like Dom DeLouise.
He had a big sled, being pulled by reindeer.
He called one of them Dancer, so I assumed he was queer.
As he crept off the roof, it became clear to me,
That this guy was lookin, to steal my TV!
Over his shoulder, he had a big sack.
He came down the stairs, while I planned my attack.
I waited a second, till the time it seemed ripe.
Bopped him on the head, * botta bing * with a pipe!
He fell to the floor, with a groan and a thud.
I was kinda surprised, that I didn't see blood.
Instead he rolled over, looked me in the eye.
When I saw who I'd hit, I near started to cry.
I said "hey 'yo Santa, I'm sorry all right?"
"Not for nuttin" he said, "but this just ain't my night!"
"I got lost in the Bronx, ran over some Nuns."
"Had a near miss by Kennedy, Rudolf's got the runs..."
"I'm out all freakin night, I'm bustin my hump."
"But I can't finish now, not with this lump!"
"So do me a favor, and be a real pal."
"Take over for me...be Santa Sal."
I say 'Yo! I'm from Brooklyn, I ain't right for the part.
But he says that Santa Claus, comes from the heart.
He made me a offer, I could'nt refuse.
Stop at every house....except for the Jews!
I got into the suit, jumped onto the sleigh,
Wondering just why it was, reindeer smelled that way.
Took off on my mission, didn't want to be late.
While old Nick spent the night, hosin' my date.
That night I was Santa, bringing kids joy and bliss.
And if you don't believe that...hey, jingle dis!
Since then I been with him, each year in the cold.
Riding shotgun with Santa, 'cause he's fat, and he's old.
I'm his number one helper, I been deputized.
So on this Christmas Eve, don't you be surprised.
If you hear a voice say, real loud and abrupt.
"Merry Christmas to all, thanks alot...shutup!"
english.1060dejanr,
I walked into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge sundae with
extra hot fudge.
The girl replied, "The hot fudge comes in one temperature only, Sir."
english.1061dejanr,
Recently their was a joke about a philosophy teaching assistant and poor
science. Well I thought I might send this one as I thought it was
topical and to show that science takes a licking not only in America.
....
About eight years ago, when I was studying in high school in
India, my Chemistry professor was trying to explain the "screening
effect" of electrons (a phenomenon that makes metals bind their
electrons less losely then other elements, resulting in conductivity).
He tried to give an analogy, using earth and moon.
He said, "Imagine if their was another moon orbiting earth, then the
pull that our true moon faces will be smaller." I was puzzled and
declared that it is not possible. To which he further explained," Well
it's like this. The earth now has to pull two moons instead of one
hence it has to divide its force among the too, hence its pull on the
moon will be halved."
At this point I argued that all the artificial satellites in
the sky must face lesser pull by earth when ever a new satellite is
launched. " That's true," he said,"and that's why the cost of
launching satellites is going up these days...."
Pankaj
english.1062dejanr,
MICHELANGELO VIRUS HYSTERIA SYNDROME
Mass hysteria about a virus named "Michelangelo" has been
spreading rapidly in MS-DOS-based personal computer users around the
world. This scare is "triggered" each year slightly before March 6,
Michelangelo's birthday. No one is immune... people ranging from
university students to the staff of _Nightline_ have been affected.
According to various psychologists, the Michelangelo Virus
hysteria is spread though almost any media channel... written,
electronic, oral, computer networks, or on-line services. Once a
person is "infected", he will attempt to automatically spread the
hysteria to every person he sees. The hysteria also corrupts base
reasoning and logic, so loss of common sense is often a symptom. This
is unfortunate, since the hysteria can be eliminated at any time with
common sense. This means that ONCE ACTIVATED, the hysteria cannot be
easily removed; the easiest thing to do is to let it dissipate
naturally on March 7.
There have been numerous known occurrences of this hysteria at
the University of Pittsburgh's campus. This has been caused by
saturated distribution of virus protection and detection software, and
repeated and redundant email messages.
We advise you NOT to attempt to trick people into believing
that March 6 has already passed in order to avoid the hysteria. (Even
though we tell you about 3 paragraphs later that we tried it anyway.)
The Michelangelo virus hysteria displays pronounced symptoms,
which makes it easy to detect. Some possible symptoms of this virus
hysteria include, but are not limited to...
1. Running virus-checking runs 6,000 times (per disk.)
2. Sending repeated and redundant email messages.
3. Sending repeated and redundant email messages.
4. Sending repeated and redundant email messages.
5. Photocopying 50,000 flyers and distributing them in every possible
location on campus.
6. Irrational fear/paranoia of or destructive behavior towards
computers. (Pushing them off of rooftops, etc.)
7. Using typewriters.
In addition, Dr. Ima Quak of the Bureau of Useless and Lame
Laws advises that "we have determined that this hysteria seems to have
an almost annual cycle to it. Perhaps this can help us in detecting
it."
Any person that is not infected and has common sense can also
detect the Michelangelo Virus hysteria.
SOLUTION
There are many trained psychologists that can detect and/or
remove the Michelangelo virus hysteria. However, these steps are
usually not necessary. The following techniques have been used to
combat the hysteria:
1. Vigorous shaking and/or slapping.
2. Large quantities of cold water (a fire hose, for example.)
3. Avoiding watching _Nightline_.
4. Accurate, brief, and non-redundant information.
Rest assured that some steps *are* being taken to help prevent
this hysteria. In fact, just yesterday University of Pittsburgh
Chancellor J. Dennis O'Connor approved $82,000 to form a committee to
appoint a committee to call a meeting to look into the matter.
FOR MORE INFORMATION
Watch for future bulletins.
If you believe you might be infected with the Michelangelo
virus hysteria, please slap yourself once or twice, and ask someone to
hose you down with a fire hose.
James Ralston Crawford
english.1063dejanr,
In a one priest Irish Catholic Parish everybody knew everybody else. One
Saturday a waggish young lad by the name of Timmy went to confession. The
priest after hearing Timmy's sins said - "Timmy, I have it on good advice that
your fooling around with one of the married women in the parish." Timmy
protested his innocence but the priest would have none of it. "Timmy" ,he
said "tell me, is it Mrs. Monahan?" "No father I hardly know the women!"
"All right then Timmy, is it Mrs. O'Connell?" "Mrs. O'Connell, father she the
wife of one of my very best friends! I would never lay hands on her!" "Timmy,
this is your last chance, I'm losing my patience, is it Mrs. O' Hara?" "No
Father I wouldn't dream of...". "TIMMY! I don't wan't to hear it. You've
come to this confessional and lied to me! I want you to consider the
seriousness of this matter for a month and come back and confess who it is to
me."
On the way out Timmy meets a good friend of his on his way to the
confessional. The friend asks Timmy "Is the Father in a good mood today.
Timmy replies "He's in a GRAND mood, he gave me a month off and three good
leads."
english.1064dejanr,
What do you call three lawyers buried up to their necks in cement?
Soccer practice!
english.1065dejanr,
The results of the New Hampshire primary seem to indicate
that the middle class has realized George Bush's campaign slogan
is "Read my lip-service."
english.1066dejanr,
A country yokel is wandering through the fields on his way home, and feels
rather peckish. Looking around him, he sees row after row of turnips, and
temptation gets the better of him. He digs up the nearest turnip, tries to hide
it inside his jumper, and carries on home. Of course, the farmer sees him with
a suspicious bulge in his clothing, and raises the alarm. So, while the yokel
is busy munching away at the turnip behind a hedge, the local policeman plods
up and arrests him. He's taken off to the magistrates, who are in a bit of a
bad mood after the previous case, and they sentence him to a night in the
cells. Once more he's hauled off, and put in a cell for the night with Mike
Tyson. After a few minutes of uneasy silence, Tyson decides to strike up
conversation.
"What did you get?"
"A ten dollar fine and a night in the cells. And all for one turnip. What about
you?"
"Fifteen years. Rape."
"RAPE? You must have eaten the whole b***** field!"
english.1067dejanr,
A couple whose marriage was on the rocks sought advice of a
marriage counselor.
The counselor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but
they were adamant. "So," said the counselor, "you know the
consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide
your property equally."
The wife flared up. "You mean the $4000 I have saved up? I
must give him half? My money?"
"Yes," said the counselor. "He gets $2000. You get $2000.
"What about my furniture? I paid for that."
"Same thing," answered the counselor. "Your husband gets the
bedroom and living room furniture; you get the dining room and the
kitchen."
There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about
the three children?"
That stumped him. Shrewdly he assessed the situation, then
came up with a Solomonic solution. "Go back and live together
until your fourth child is born. Then you take two children and
your husband takes two."
The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work
out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I've got."
english.1068dejanr,
Hear on NPR Saturday (2/29), commenting on Carey's comments about
Clinton's war record:
So, what it boils down to is this:
Bush wants to fight the Gulf War all over again;
Carey wants to fight the Vietnam War all over again;
and Buchanan wants to fight the Civil War all over again.
english.1069dejanr,
On Frontline last week (I believe Wednesday, 4 March) they were talking about
David Duke, and showed an excerpt from one of his current campaign speeches.
Duke: "I would like to state, for the record, that I am not a wizard under the
sheets. I'm leaving that to Gov. Bill Clinton, of Arkansas."
(Frontline is a PBS political program in the US, for our international
readers.)
english.1070dejanr,
Maybe not last words, but close:
When Thoreau was dying someone (his aunt?) asked
"Have you made your peace with God?"
Thoreau answered, "I am not aware that we have ever quarreled."
english.1071dejanr,
In attempt to REALLY grind a joke format into the dirt, here is
my list of the TOP TEN reasons that Bob Kerry dropped out of the
Democratic presidential race:
10. Reporter was about to reveal that Kerry, earlier in life, had
posted space shuttle jokes to the net.
9. Was devastated to learn that donation to Dr. Cecil Jacobson's
fertility clinic was NOT tax deductible and had never even been
used.
8. Got stuck in New Hampshire for 3 days after all the planes left.
7. Slowly realized that he didn't have to serve in Vietnam to be
elected president.
6. Needed time to think up some more witty gay/lesbian jokes.
5. Learned that the Kennebunkport retreat is George Bush's personal
property.
4. Taking time out to legally change his name to Tkerry (The 'T'
is silent, of course).
3. Got caught calling Jerry Brown's 800 number and asking for
Linda Ronstat.
2. Suddenly discovered that Debra Winger had bared it all in
An Officer and a Gentleman.
1. Tired of "stumping" the campaign trail.
Jeff Sauder sauder@aplcen.apl.jhu.edu
english.1072dejanr,
Latest T-shirt message:
"My President went around the world, and all I got was this lousy recession!"
(adapted from a shirt sold by the Democratic National Committee)
english.1073dejanr,
With all the fuss over the Michaelangelo Virus, I noticed that March 6
was also Ed McMahon's birthday. I can just see it now, on March 6, 1993
millions of PC users will be greeted with the message:
*** Congratulations! Your computer may already be infected! ***
english.1074dejanr,
The Urban legend about a $250 charge for the recipe to Mrs Field's (or
someone else's) cookies is well known. This new urban legend deals with
the development of the Hubble Space Telescope
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Build your own Hubble Space Telescope
From: James Aspnes <asp@cs.cmu.edu>
A few years ago I was touring the Jet Propulsion Lab and they showed
me a prototype of the Hubble Space Telescope. "Pretty cool machine,
guys," I said, "but is there anyway us amateur astronomers can get in
on this kind of action?" They said yes, plans for the HST were
available through the gift shop. "How much?" I asked. They said
"Fifty." I said "Great! Here's my American Express Plutonium Card!"
I picked up the plans and went home, happy as a clam, until I got my
American Express bill. The total amount due was $50,119.00! I
figured the $119 must have been from one of these Northwest student
ticket vouchers, but where was that $50,000 from? Only then did I
realize that JPL had charged me, no fifty dollars, but fifty THOUSAND
dollars. Boy was I mad. But it was too late to return the plans and
get my fifty thousand dollars back, so I just chalked it up to
experience. But now I'm getting my revenge... I asked the folks at
the JPL copyright office if I could give the plans out to all my
friends and they said, "Heck, why not? What do we need with
royalties? Tell the world!" So I've written up the key steps here.
Please post them to every bboard you can think of and mail them to all
your friends. Remember, if you break the chain you'll get seven years
of bad sunspot interference.
You will need:
1 launch vehicle.
126 "Master Constructor" Erector Sets(tm).
1 Radio Shack(tm) Pro-2001 scanner.
1 2-meter block of glass.
1 box of aluminum foil.
4 sheets of #20 (coarse) sandpaper.
4 sheets of #150 (fine) sandpaper.
2 children's magnifying glasses.
(optional) filters and instrumentation as needed.
Instructions:
1. Using the erector sets, construct a superstructure capable of
supporting a 2-meter mirror and whatever instrumentation you will
be using. Make sure that the superstructure can survive the
G-forces during launch. Don't be tempted to skimp on the nuts and
bolts here.
2. Using the #20 sandpaper, grind the block of glass until it takes
on the shape of a convex mirror. Be very careful in this step
because if you get the shape wrong you'll have to start over
again. Use the #150 sandpaper to smooth out any irregularities
and fix any minor problems with the focus. Then melt the aluminum
foil and vacuum deposit 1-2 atomic layers of aluminum on the
surface of the mirror. Mount the mirror in its place in the
superstructure.
3. Mount the children's magnifying glasses at the focal point of the
mirror. These will serve as an eyepiece for your instruments.
4. Open the back of the Pro-2001 scanner. There will be a 16-pin
chip on the upper left of the circuit board labelled 1Y1169AV.
Carefully clip out the fourth pin on the left and remove it from
the chip. This will convert your Pro-2001 scanner into the usually
much more expensive Pro-2010 scanner with orbital transceiver
capabilities. Close the back of the scanner, check that the
batteries are in place, mount it in the superstructure, and
connect it to your instruments.
5. Make one last check of everything and you're ready to launch!
This is a true story, every bit of it, I swear on my father's sister's
grave. Even if it isn't, I hope that you get as much use and
enjoyment out of your home-built Hubble Space Telescope as I have from
mine!
---- End of Forwarded Message
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Comment from a System Manager at the Space Telescope Science Institute
(which didn't _build_ the Hubble, but operates it):
Hmm. Got the instructions for the mirror wrong.
english.1075dejanr,
ObJoke: How many hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll stay up all night doing it.
english.1076dejanr,
The following is the conclusion of the essay "Science and Religion" by
Werner Heisenberg (1927). There is a chance that Heisenberg wouldn't
object to reproducing it.
Niels closed the conversation with one of those stories he liked to tell
on such occasions: "One of our neighbors in Tisvilde once fixed a horseshoe
over the door to his house. When a common friend asked him, `But are you
really superstitious? Do you honestly believe that this horseshoe will
bring you luck?' he replied, `Of course not; but they say it works even
if you don't believe in it.'"
english.1077dejanr,
Two cowboys were riding across the range when one of their horses died, so
they both got on the one remaining horse and continued riding. In a few
minutes, the one on the rear shouted that an Indian was approaching. The
one in the front asked, "How big is he?" Holding his hands about 12 inches
apart the one on the rear said, "This high."
In a few minutes, the one on the front asked, "Now, how big is he?"
The cowboy on the rear replied, holding his hands 3 feet apart, "This high."
In a few more minutes, the front cowboy asked again, "Now, how big is he?"
Holding his hand 6 feet above the ground, the rear cowboy replied, "This high."
So the front cowboy yelled, "Quick! Grab my pistol there and shoot him!"
Holding his hands 12 inches apart again, the one on the rear replied, "I can't!
I've known him since he was this high."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTE: Probably more funny when you can show your hands apart rather than
describing them through a computer!
english.1078dejanr,
Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
or an airline stewardess?
A: A nurse says: "this won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're
going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right."
An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose
, and breath normally."
english.1079dejanr,
"...[Company X] survived the Depression, which is what a
recession was called in the 1930's".
english.1080dejanr,
The nine types of users
El Explicito - "I tried the thing, ya know, and it worked, ya know, but now
it doesn't, ya know?"
Advantages: Provides interesting communication challanges.
Disadvantages: So do chimps.
Symptoms: Complete inability to use proper nouns
Real Case: One user walked up to a certain Armenian pod manager and said, "I
can't get what I want!" The pod manager leaned back, put his hands on his
belt-buckle, and said, "Well, ma'am, you've come to the right place."
Mad Bomber - "Well, I hit ALT-f6, shift-f8, CNTRL-f10, f4, and f9, and now it
looks all weird."
Advantages: Will try to find own solution to problems.
Disadvantages: User might have translated document to Navajo without meaning
to.
Symptoms: More than six stopped jobs in UNIX, a 2:1 code-to-letter ratio in
WordPerfect
Real Case: One user came in complaining that his WordPerfect document was
underlined. When I used reveal codes on it, I found that he'd set and unset
underline more than fifty times in his document.
Frying Pan/Fire Tactician - "It didn't work with the data set we had, so I
fed in my aunt's recipe for key lime pie."
Advantages: Will usually fix error.
Disadvantages: 'Fix' is defined VERY loosely here.
Symptoms: A tendancy to delete lines that get errors instead of fixing
them.
Real Case: One user complained that their program executed, but didn't do
anything. The scon looked at it for twenty minutes before realizing that
they'd commented out EVERY LINE. The user said, "Well, that was the only
way I could get it to compile."
Shaman - "Last week, when the moon was full, the clouds were thick, and
formahaut was above the horizon, I typed f77, and lo, it did compile."
Advantages: Gives insight into primative mythology.
Disadvantages: Few scons are anthropology majors.
Symptoms: Frequent questions about irrelavent objects.
Real Case: One user complained that all information on one of their disks got
erased (as Norton Utilities showed nothing but empty sectors, I suspect nothing
had ever been on it). Reasoning that the deleted information went *somewhere*,
they wouldn't shut up until the scon checked four different disks for the
missing information.
X-user - "Will you look at those. . .um, that resolution, quite impressive,
really."
Advantages: Using the cutting-edge in graphics technology.
Disadvantages: Has little or no idea how to use the cutting-edge in graphics
technology.
Symptoms: Fuzzy hands, blindness
Real Case: When I was off duty, two users sat down in front of me at DEC
station 5000/200s that systems was reconfiguring. I suppressed my laughter
while, for twenty minutes, they sat down and did their best to act like they
were doing exectly what they wanted to do, even though they couldn't log in.
Miracle Worker - "But it read a file from it yesterday!" 'Sir, at a guess,
this disk has been swollowed and regurgitated.' "But I did that a month ago,
and it read a file from it yesterday!"
Advantages: Apparently has remarkable luck when you aren't around.
Disadvantages: People complain when scons actually use the word
'horse-puckey'.
Symptoms: Loses all ability to do impossible when you're around. Must be
the kryptonite in your pocket.
Real Case: At least three users have claimed that they've loaded IBM
WordPerfect from Macintosh disks.
Taskmaster - "Well, this is a file in MacWrite. Do you know how I can upload
it to MUSIC, transfer it over to UNIX from there, download it onto an IBM,
convert it to WordPerfect, and put it in three-column format?"
Advantages: Bold new challanges.
Disadvantages: Makes one wish to be a garbage collector.
Symptoms: An inability to keep quiet. Strong tendancies to make machines
do things they don't want to do.
Real Case: One user tried to get a scon to find out what another person's
E-mail address was even though the user didn't know his target's home system,
account name, or real name.
Maestro - "Well, first I sat down, like this. Then I logged on, like this,
and after that, I typed in my password, like this, and after that I edited
my file, like this, and after that I went to this line here, like this, and
after that I picked my nose, like this. . ."
Advantages: Willing to show you exactly what they did to get an error.
Disadvantages: For as long as five or six hours.
Symptoms: Selective deafness to the phrases, "Right, right, okay, but what
was the ERROR?", and a strong fondness for the phrase, "Well, I'm getting to
that."
Real Case: I once had to spend half an hour looking over a user's shoulder
while they continuously retrieved a document into itself and denied that they
did it (the user was complaining that their document was 87 copies of the
same thing).
Princess (unfair, perhaps, as these tend, overwhelmingly, to be males) -
"I need a Mac, and someone's got the one I like reserved, would you please
garrote him and put him in the paper recycling bin?"
Advantages: Flatters you with their high standards for your service.
Disadvantages: Impresses you with their obliviousness to other people on
this planet.
Symptoms: Inability to communicate except by complaining.
Real Case: One asked a scon to remove the message of the day because he
(the user) didn't like it.
english.1081dejanr,
...And I overheard Descartes say "I think, therefore I am. I'm still trying
to explain politicians, though..."
english.1082dejanr,
You can tell a lot about people by the way they write. For instance, just
the other day a certain, unnamed individual posted a little story about a
man who was trying to pound a nail with his head, and the poster attempted
to explain to him the virtues of using a hammer, with the obvious allusion
of the hammer to a Macintosh and the head-banger to an IBM type.
From this I could easily conclude that this poster was an engineer, and was
an employee of the Pentagon. You see, that's the only type of person who,
to solve a given problem, will go out and spend one hundred times its worth
on a hammer instead of first using his head.
-Steve
P.S. I own an Amiga, so I think you're all a bunch of old poopers anyways.
english.1083dejanr,
I work at the support hotline for a fairly large Unix vendor. Customer
calls are intercepted by a group of receptionists, who determine the
general nature of each caller's problem or question and then place it on
an electronic queue. The receptionists attach a "headline" to each call,
so that the support analysts can decide whether a particular call is in
their area of expertise. Unfortunately, the receptionists are not
generally familiar with Unix.
Spelling errors can happen.
"The cron log file has exceeded 250 mega bite"
"Air message on consol"
Sometimes there is strange imagery involved. Picture this:
"Cannot get into the library"
"Runaway process boards"
"Terminals need to be brightened up"
...you can ignore this problem until they're suicidal.
"Question about braking when dialing in from a modem"
...calling from your car phone?
"Does not see the boot"
...check the end of your foot.
"Terminal has no cusor and making a high pitch wine"
...mmmm, just LOVE that high pitch wine!
"Cannot get into Telnet"
...yeah, telnet is pretty boring.
"Constant memory vaults"
...you're using too many JUMP instructions.
"X's and O's on terminal"
...how cute, it's just telling you it loves you.
"Terminal density is gone - cannot see screen"
...someone call a physicist -- their system is losing its mass!
"Bust fault and reset of system"
...can the hardware guy install a bra?
There is some hardware we just don't support.
"Install wife terminal"
"Has a PC that knocks down all terminals"
"Foot disk needs to be reformatted"
...contact your chiropractor.
"Actuary on printer is out"
...are they at an insurance company?
This is clearly NOT a software problem.
"Trouble with electrical smell on system"
This one came up a few weeks after Gorbachev had his trouble:
"When logging on, getting overthrow signal"
Similarly:
"Warning regent table overthrow"
Here's a stumper.
"EGA controller error grade andy controller, bell doesn't work"
Users may get a little fed up.
"Is it possible to communicate with a Unix machine?"
"Too much paper during printing"
Sometimes, you just have to wonder...
"Getting a parody error"
"If terminal is off, can't get prompt back"
"Having ahard disfailure"
"Question about configuration of Woodperfect"
"Set off a background process accidentally and wants to kill"
...I, too, would kill after making such a mistake.
"Questions on fox based software"
...those animals really do understand relational databases!
"Problem logging onto root, gets Chinese characters"
...oh, your console is upside-down.
"Each time he accesses a dose you have to reset the terminal"
...wow, man, the screen is breathing...
"Kill process logs users off system"
...it does tend to do that.
"Question on repetitioning the disc"
...we have here a signed statement: you should increase swap.
"Q how to do PCP over x dot 25"
...please, don't network under the influence.
"UPS DOWN"
...and down is up, right, sir?
english.1084dejanr,
What are the similarities between bungee jumping and a prostitute?
1) they are very expensive.
2) they only last a couple of minutes.
3) if the rubber breaks, you're dead.
english.1085pjankovic,
-> #1046, dejanr
> Two brunettes and a blonde walk into a bar. Stepping up
> to the bar the first
Auuuu, brate mili, okle ti ovoliki vicevi?
english.1086ivans,
-> #1080, dejanr* Princess (unfair, perhaps, as these tend, overwhelmingly, to be males) -
^^^^^^^^
Once again or another one? :))))
Regards,
Ivans.
english.1087robert,
If You want to go to Heaven ...
When we drink,
we get drunk.
When we get drunk,
we go to sleep.
When we go to sleep,
we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin,
we go to heaven.
english.1088robert,
Q: "What's a birthmark on a Pollock's ass ?"
A: "A brain tumor !"
english.1089dejanr,
WITH SEX ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE
This paper has been sent to you for good luck. The original has been
worn out from having passed through the hands of so many people. It
had travelled around the world 69 times ŠDear Reader: please help keep
this count current. If this letter falls into your hands after just
completing one more circuit of the world, please add one to the
count.
The luck has now been sent to you. You will experience great sex
within four days of receiving this letter, provided you send it on!
Since the copy must tour the world, you must make ten copies and
send them to others. This is no joke. Send no money. Send copies
to people who need to get laid within 96 hours.
After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control Officer got
his penis stuck in a cow-milking machine and had the longest series
of ograsms of his life. John Elliot tried to pick up a prositute,
but, because he broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead.
When they searched his home, they found magazines of little boys which
they showed to his neighbours. In a suburb of Paris, Don Loray's
trousers were ripped by an unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing
to circulate the letter. However, before this happened, a condom
machine gave him three condoms for the price of one. (was this the
consolation prize?)
Do note the following: Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953.
He asked his secretary to make ten copies and send them out. A
few days later he encountered her in a red-light district making
more than he had every paid her at work. General George Patton,
who sent the letter on, saw what he thought was a quarter in the
street. When he bent down to pick it up, a beautiful woman in a
miniskirt walked by, and he got a great view. His aide, Colonel
Roger Bumswiver, who did not pass on the letter, tried to pick up
a similar object but was fucked up the ass by a desperate gay when
he bent over. Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received
the letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours.
His wife then went bowling with his best friend and never returned.
Later, after finding the letter again, he mailed ten copies. A
few days later he got a wife and discovered that his old wife, who
he thought was wonderful, had made love to him like a dead salmon
for all these years! Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not
believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he spilled hot
coffee in his crotch.
In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was faded and
barely readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph applied
to her. She promised herself she would retype the letter and send
it on, but she put it aside to do later. She was plagued with
problems including herpes and other venereal diseases she contracted
in her futile attempts to find Mr. Right in a singles bar. The letter
did not leave her hands in 96 hours. She finally typed the letter
and found a man with a 10-inch penis.
You must distribute at least ten copies within 96 hours of
receiving this letter. Those who do will find their love lives more
fulfilling. Those who do not will be doomed to one-night stands with
mechanical devices.