english.201dejanr,
In another posting, someone commented that the Chicago Trib has a fairly high
humor quotient. Could be. In this morning's Albuquerque Urinal, there's an
article by Clarence Petersen of the CTrib, yclept "Pardon These Puns ...".
I've heard none of them before, so you folks all get to read 'em right here,
on rec.humor.
To avoid copyright grumbles, I'll rephrase the things significantly.
Today's installment:
The world-famous Indianapolis 500 is held at the Indianapolis Speedway, and
during racing times (I suspect the Indy 500 is the worst), the neighbors have
to put up with a lot of foul-smelling fumes.
Well, it seems some of the residents there are Mad as Hell, and Aren't Going
to Take It Any More. A suit has been filed in the District Court there,
seeking damages for Indy scent exposure.
...
Along a similar line, a friend of mine asked me a few months ago if the
Indiana State Fair was administered by the Bureau of Indiana Fairs.
Thank Lee Skinner for that one.
Well, anyway, Petersen also mentions that there's this newsletter called
"The Pundit", published by The International Save the Pun Foundation. Twenty
bucks for a year's subby. Write 'em at Box 5040, Station A, Toronto, Canada
M5W 1N4.
I'm writing for mine tomorrow.
Aficionados would probably rather starve than eat canned chili,
and after sampling 26 brands, we can understand why.
-- Oct. 90 Consumer Digest
Duke McMullan n5gax nss13429r phon505-255-4642 ee5391aa@hydra.cirt.unm.edu
english.202dejanr,
>In parts of Texas the usual rule for constructing the word for a person
>from X town makes it Xite. For example, Dallasite. N too far from Dallas
>is the small town of Paris, Texas. The people from there are called...
>No. "Parisians."
The late H. Allen Smith "retired" to the town of Alpine, Texas. In his de-
lightful collection, _Rude_Jokes_, he includes the following:
ENTER QUOTATION MODE
Community pride is a nice thing to contemplate. Some of you have
heard of this town of Alpine, not too far from here. The next community to
the west of Alpine is Marfa -- named for a female character in a Russian
novel.
A fella in El Paso, name of Arbuckle, wrote to me recently and said:
"If a citizen of Dallas is a Dallasite, and a citizen of Houston is a Hous-
tonite, would a citizen of Marfa be a Marfadite?"
One morning at the postoffice I mentioned this to a citizen of Al-
pine, and it called back the days of his youth. He said that when he was in
high school the football rivalry between Alpine and Marfa was intense. The
Alpine students had a special cheer which was only used in the annual game
against Marfa. They would yell in unison across the field:
"Go, Marfadites, Go!"
Said the proud Alpineite there on the postoffice steps: "Always ended
up in the goddamndest fist fights you ever saw. And we won them, too."
EXIT QUOTATION MODE
Source: _Rude_Jokes_, copyright 1970 by H. Allen Smith
Taken from page 91 of the Fawcett Gold Medal paperback edition
english.203dejanr,
I've heard:
She described an actress by saying, "She runs the gamut of
emotions from A to B."
Reviewing "Winnie the Pooh" in her column "Constant Reader", she
concluded, "Tonstant Weeder fwoed up."
And who can forget her remark at the Hallowe'en party,
"Ducking for apples,-- change one letter and it's the story of my life."
Possibly all apocryphal, but if she didn't say them, she should have!
I vaguely remember another one from Dorothy (rough translation through
dying synapses):
The wife of one of here famous friends, I forget who, was pregnant and
playing the role to the max. Every time you talked to (let's call her
Mary), she was moaning about her condition, fussing about dire
possibilities, worried about names, etc. So when she finally had the
baby, Dorothy wired her the following telegram:
Good work, Mary. We all knew you had it in you!
english.204dejanr,
Ah yes, the great Ms. Parker:
At a halloween party: "Ducking for apples, change a letter and it's the
story of my life."
At a cocktail party: "One more drink and I'll be under the host."
On hearing the demise of Calvin Coolidge: "How can they tell?"
Rumored epitaph on her urn: EXCUSE MY DUST.
Senor Coyote
english.205dejanr,
My favorite (possibly apocryphal) Dorothy Parker story:
Entering the ladies' room of a fancy restaurant, a catty young thing
held the door for D.P, waved her in, and meowed "Age before beauty!"
D.P. marched in grandly, and said loudly, "And pearls before swine!"
english.206dejanr,
And my favorite from Dorothy Parker is the story about when she was
being shown an apartment for rent, and she said, "No, no, no, this
appartment is too large. All I want is a place to lay my hat and a
few friends!"
For this, and a lot more Dorothy Parker stories see the book "Smart Aleck" by
Howard Teichmann (1976). The book is about the life and times of Alexander
Woollcott. Dorothy Parker belonged to Woollcott's inner circle. When
Woollcott invited her over to his summer house in Vermont, Dorothy showed up
with just a small suitcase and spent two weeks on the island wearing not much
more than a hat!
english.207dejanr,
I seem to remember another one of her quotes:
"If all the sorority girls at Princeton were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't
be at all surprised." Or something like that.
english.208dejanr,
Original piece by Steve Connelly. Some of the humor is "local" but
most, I think, is broad enough for all to enjoy.
My involvement with the scientific data visualization project of Drs.
Ravelo and El Batanouny project began unceremoniously several months ago. One
day I was in my office unpacking my take-out lunch from Beijing restaurant.
I had ordered a number two, but they were out, so they gave me two number
ones. "Hmm. What is number one? It looks like some kind of shredded flesh
in a brown sauce. Oh yes, Shredded Flesh in Brown Sauce! And what's this...
Tang Ho Duck Sauce. Ingredients: water, sugar, ducks...." That's when I
overheard Glenn and Laura in the hallway talking about a project involving the
videotaping of an animation of a physical simulation. The data had to be
transferred to our Unix system from the IBM mainframe running VPS, a huge
operating system written by our own department. My next encounter with the
project occurred soon afterward when Glenn unlocked my door, turned on the
lights, peered under my desk, and told me I was doing the project. He
explained it to me in great detail.
"...And make sure the file transfer utility converts the Ebcdic to
Ascii."
"Ebcdic?"
"Yes. That's the character set used on the VPS system."
"What do the letters in 'EBCDIC' stand for?"
"Ascii. 'ASCII' becomes 'EBCDIC' in the Ebcdic character set. Any
other questions?"
"Yes. Do we have a resume-quality laser printer?"
In computer graphics, all projects begin with the same preparatory
steps, regardless of the specific application. My first step is always
to ask Tim and Chris how to do the project. I found them working in our
terminal room. Tim was wearing headphones which were plugged into his CD
player. Shouting so he could hear me, I asked him if he could take off his
headphones so that I wouldn't have to shout. He took them off and music
blared all over the room. Now we were both shouting.
"Glenn told me to get VPS files onto videotape."
"VPS? You should've hid under your desk."
"I did, but he found me."
"Great. Now where are we gonna hide?"
"He didn't suspect anything. I told him I was flossing my toes, which
happened to be under my desk. So, can you tell me about VPS files?"
He insisted he knew nothing about VPS and couldn't even spell the name.
He put his headphones back on. I stepped over to Chris, who was wearing
headphones and screeching, "Rah-xanne. You don' haf to turn on dee red light."
His headphones were not plugged into anything. He saw me and took the
phones off.
"How are you today, Chris."
"Nominal."
"Why do you wear headphones?"
"Because when Tim takes his off, it's too loud in here."
"I see. Can you tell me about VPS files?"
Chris turned away, and put the headphones back on.
"Chris, don't make me shout."
"Raaaaaaah-xanne....."
"Chris, there's no music."
"....I can't hear you when I sing this song. Rah-xanne...."
I was trapped. I considered ending it all. I thought about pulling
my own head off but Glenn had already put on my graphics lab head harness,
a sort of football helmet with leather straps running under your arms.
I thought about eating five Taco Bell lampshade salads, and then waiting
while the mixture congealed in my stomach and then burst through my ribcage
as a slimy reptilean alien wearing a sombrero. No, too slow. I thought about
openly preaching teetotalism during a baseball game at Fenway Park.
No, too bloody.
I had no choice but to deal with the VPS files. The files were
about 60 megabytes a piece, and for some unknown reason they couldn't be
transferred correctly using the file transfer utility. I tried to ask Jason
if he could help me. He wasn't in his office. I checked his whereabouts on
the department-wide online locator, and learned that he had gone out to lunch
at 11:53am on November 11, 1982. I had no choice but to go down to the first
floor.
All the real VPS programmers are on the first floor so that they don't
hurt themselves when they jump out the window. I went to John's office,
opened the door, turned on the lights, peered under the desk, and told him
there was a bug in VPS. He started to shake, his eyes bulged, and his hair
stood straight up. His head turned purple and his veins stood out. He was
having a VPS-debugging flashback. His jugular vein couldn't stand the strain
and it burst open. A thin high-pressure stream of blood sailed across the
room. He slapped a yellow post-it note on his neck to stop the bleeding. He
screamed and jumped headfirst through the window. The new transparent
sun-blocking sheet wallpapered on the window didn't let it shatter as much as
usual, so only half of his body got through the window. I went over to his
terminal and updated his entry on the online locator: "In and out all day."
We ended up moving the research data onto tape and reading the tape
onto our own machine, using our own program to convert Ebcdic to Ascii.
I have a program that converts one-sixth of the Ebcdic character set to Ascii,
if anyone needs it.
Now that we could get the VPS files, I had to find alot of disk
space to store the enormous files on. I decided to borrow a disk pack
from a Vax in the Engineering Department. However, when I opened the drive,
the disk was spinning very fast, and it took off like a frisbee and flew out
the window. I ran outside and followed the flying disk. It landed at the
exitway from Fenway Park. I couldn't get to the disk because the game had
just ended and fans were walking over the disk. It was Cleet Night at Fenway.
The fans ended up kicking the disk onto the trolley tracks, where it was run
over several times. I got the disk and managed with some difficulty to fit it
back into the Vax's drive. That violent spinning was a real nuisance; I
sent a memo to Hillary suggesting that something was wrong with that disk.
It appeared that I would have to find room on our current disk
storage devices. I started moving files around and deleting unnecessary ones.
There were large files called 'Miss_June', 'Miss_July', etc. I couldn't
delete them; the lab takes its silicone graphics very seriously. I deleted a
large file called 'vmunix', a file named 'raises.pending', and several files
named 'help'. I deleted the directory 'Voyager/images/originals'. I looked
in 'CS101/assignment_1', which had subdirectories for each student. Upon
further investigation, I determined that each student was working on a
program, but all the programs were intended to do exactly the same thing!
I thought such redundancy was unnecessary, so I deleted all but one of the
programs. Then I deleted 'Giles/cold_fusion/formulas' and 'Fermat/proofs'.
In a few days we could read the data and turn it into pictures. Thus,
for the first time we were presented with visual confirmation of Ravelo's
molecular dynamics simulation of the Au(111) surface, research which would
eventually lead to ultra-cheap, molecule-sized computer memories. The research
is based upon the new non-linear technique called soliton theory, a theory
involving dots wiggling around, slowly changing from blue to red. We figured
the dots represented molecules on the Au(111) surface. I assumed that Au
stood for aluminum.
Laura mentioned that the dots should start out as an aquamarine color.
I said, "Dr. Ravelo wanted blue and red dots on a black background."
"Aqua will look blue on videotape."
"What should red be?"
"Yellow."
"Black?"
"Dark Gray."
Dr. Ravelo checked in and was pleased with our results. However,
he was uncertain about the dynamics that occurred during one particular
simulation. He called his co-researcher to discuss this. I eavesdropped, but
they were talking shop in a jargon all their own: NSF, DOE, blanket PO, CV
padding, honorarium, tenure track, INS, green card.... Molecular physics is
over my head.
Ravelo hung up the phone.
"Apparently, there is no problem. There is simply more volatility in
the surface of gold than I thought."
"Gold? No, this is the simulation of aluminum."
"No. Au(111). Au is gold."
I grabbed him in a headlock and rapped my knuckles painfully on the
top of his head.
"Hello? Anyone home? Earth to Ravelo? You're trying to make cheap
computer memory out of gold? Are you nuts?"
The project reached completion quite smoothly, I thought. All's well
that ends. There was a memorable moment of personal satisfaction, other than
getting the monthly update of the departmental organization chart and seeing
that I was still on it. At one point Dr. Ravelo explained that my program
should take certain actions when a there was a particular relationship between
the x-coordinate and the y-coordinate. He wrote the relationship as it
appeared in his own Fortran program:
IF ((ODD(x) AND EVEN(y)) OR (ODD(y) AND EVEN(x)) THEN etc, etc.
He asked me if my language, C, had the functions ODD and EVEN, and I said no.
He had sympathy for me because I would have to write my own versions of
functions that already exist in Fortran. On his paper I wrote with a
flourish another version of that expression:
IF (x+y & 1) etc, etc. QED.
Steve Connelly
english.209dejanr,
There's the story about the man that walks into a house of ill
repute in Reno and says "I'll give $20,000 to any woman here who'll
come into the desert with me and do it MY way."
One of the ladies agrees, and off they go driving into the desert.
After about an hour she gets curious, and asks him "Just what is
your way?"
"On credit."
english.210dejanr,
<source unknown, no copyright notice on it>
JEAN PAUL SARTRE
for Dodge Dartre
In my journey to the end of the night, I must rely not only on the
dialectical paths of reason. I must have a good solid automobile,
one that eschews the futile trappings of worldly ennui and asks for
only the most basic maintenance. My _Dodge Dartre_ offers me this basic
solace, and as interior parts fall off I am struck by the realisation
of their pointlessness. I may not know if the window is up or down.
It is of no consequence.
english.211dejanr,
Such is the life cycle of a new newsgroup:
1) The initial request:
I think I'd like to start a new newsgroup. There has been a lot
of traffic in rec.large, and I'd like to start rec.large.ball.
I think that the current large group would be better off with
the ball oriented issues separate.
2) The encouragement:
Yes to rec.large.ball. I vote yes.
I think rec.large.ball is a great Idea.
3) The CFD
This is an official call for discussion for the group
rec.large.ball. (etc,etc)
4) The opposition
I like to read about all rec.large things, including balls,
and I'd like to keep them together, so I don't have to look
through 2 groups.
I think rec.large.ball is too closely related to other rec.large
topics, and the crossposting rate would be too great.
Don't separate rec.large. I vote NO.
Maybe we should reorganize rec.large, after all, there could be
a rec.large.head, and a rec.large.feet, and rec.large.ega, too.
5) The name calling
You're an Idiot, anyone with any sense at all would see that
rec.large.ball is needed, whereas those other groups don't have
the volume to justify separation. Some jerkoff's just don't
understand usenet (ed. see insulting usenet morals)
You a**h*l*, you know there is enough volume there, and I'm
mailing Elliot to tell him that, too. You haven't followed
all of the procedures, and I'm gonna tell him that, too.
Sheesh.
6) The insulting of usenet morals
You haven't called for votes yet, the original call for
discusstion didn't specify time periods. You have no idea
what usenet is all about!!
7) The call for votes
This is a call for votes. THe voting period:...
the charter will be similar to comp.unix.large as it applies
to rec.large, but only refering to balls. To mail - MAIL -
your votes in, mail to bigshot@backbone.UUCP and include
either Yes or No in the subject line. You may include comments
in the body of the mail.
8) The correction
The call for votes should have gone to bigwig@backbone.UUCP,
NOT bigshot@backbone.UUCP.
9) The mass acknowledgement
This is a mass acknowledgement:
(Yes) (798)
al@thrumnal.uunet (Big Al)
burt@hasley.ARPA (Chris Burt)
.
.
.
(No) (8)
sexton@portal.uunet (Richard Sexton)
.
.
.
10) The attack of the Vote
The vote is invalid. Administrators, the vote is invalid,
I count 5 people on the ack list that I haven't even heard of.
I think BIFF voted, too.
11) The passage
By a count of 915 to 10, rec.large.ball passes. It should appear
within a week or two.
12) The complaint
It's been two weeks, and I haven't gotten ONE rec.large.ball.
Does anyone know if dinkwater.UUCP gets rec?
--
Maybe this ought to be anonymous.
english.212dejanr,
This is the one-liner file annual, a collection of the various short jokes,
puns and one liners that didn't excite me enough to be given a posting of
their own, but yet are still worth reading.
Now an apology -- I let this file sit for quite some time, and when I
came to look at it today, the middle of it was garbage -- blocks from
other files. Sadly it is this way on the backups, too. So it is
far shorter than it should be. If you submitted something, and got
a note that it would go in the oneliner file, and it isn't here (with your
name or somebody else's -- don't just grep for your name, I removed
duplicates) you can send it again with a note that it's for the oneliner file.
------------------------------------
From: bevans%gauss.unm.edu@ariel.unm.edu (Mathemagician)
Subject: Neutron Bomb II
Paraphrased from "Global Village News" from Nickelodeon:
The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
------------------------------------
From: dbrooks@osf.org (David Brooks)
Subject: Infant sexuality
Heard on WEEI Boston today:
"[A recent survey finds that] 15-to-19-year-olds now have fewer sexual
partners than they did ten years ago."
And you thought they were playing doctors and nurses.
------------------------------------
From: an@??.UUCP
That money talks, I'll not deny.
I heard it once. It said "good-bye".
------------------------------------
From: koreth@ucscb.ucsc.edu (Steven Grimm)
Subject: So how come they all have oily hair?
How did the computer scientist die in the shower?
He read the directions on the shampoo: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
------------------------------------
From: CHRONISTER@sysa.rutgers.edu (Ben Chronister)
Subject: College
College is a fountain of Knowledge... and the students are there to drink.
------------------------------------
From: milun@cs.buffalo.edu (Davin Milun)
Subject: An apple a day
Think of how much fun you could have with the doctor's wife and a
bucket of apples.
------------------------------------
From: jkw%beta@lanl.gov (Jay Wooten)
Subject: Merger
Did you hear about the merger between Honeywell and Fairchild ? The new
company will be known as: Fairwell Honeychild
------------------------------------
From: postpischil@alien.enet.dec.com (Eric)
Subject: Product advertising claim
[This is original.]
There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you
buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back
and demand a refund?
------------------------------------
From: george@sbcs.sunysb.edu
Subject: Math/Light-bulb joke (original)
Q: How many ancient Greek mathematicians does it take to replace
a light-bulb?
A: Infinitely many! The first does half the job, the next a quarter,
the third does one-eighth etc.
------------------------------------
From: bwhite@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu (Bill White)
Subject: Mathematics, original (as far as I know!)
Q: What's a polar bear?
A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
------------------------------------
From: Anurag.Acharya@natasha.mach.cs.cmu.edu
Subject: spring break
Dumb Q: When the heck is Spring break ?
Dumb A: Spring break is the time of the year when half the nation's coeds are
in two pieces.
------------------------------------
From: root@agent99.dell.com (Ron McDowell)
Subject: obfuscated manual entry
>From the X-windows xwud(1) man-page...
This is a crude version of a more advanced utility that has never been written.
------------------------------------
From: hiebeler@turing.cs.rpi.edu (Dave Hiebeler)
Subject: cafeteria cows
Jeff Marder told this one on Fox's "Comic Strip Live", 3/10/90:
When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
------------------------------------
From: SCOTT@ithaca.UUCP
Subject: What do you have if?
"What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in
the other hand?"
"One HELL of a moth!!"
------------------------------------
From: georgem@microso.UUCP (George MOORE)
Subject: The Master of Macabre
"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not
true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk."
-- Steven King, 3/8/90
------------------------------------
From: icsu7039@nero.cs.montana.edu (Spannring)
Subject: marriage
The tri stages of sex in marriage-
1) Tri-weekly
2) Try-weekly
3) Try-weakly
------------------------------------
From: UD009831@vm1.nodak.edu (Steve Penoncello)
Subject: Medical survey results
Heard on Leno's monologue a few weeks ago:
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
------------------------------------
From: GREG@pomona.claremont.edu (Tigger)
Subject: New VAX/VMS command
Several people on the BITNET RELAY system one night decided that Digital
needs to add a new command to VAX/VMS:
$ SET TIME/DAY=FRIDAY/DATE=BLONDE
------------------------------------
From: 392904634@uwplatt.edu
Subject: fat women
What do you call a 300 pound woman in Minnesota?
Anemic.
------------------------------------
From: masticol@cs.rutgers.edu (Steve)
Subject: How to achieve peace in our time
"If people ate what they killed,
there would be NO MORE WARS!"
------------------------------------
From: davidp@labtam.oz.au (David Purdue)
Subject: The wonders of modern technology!
Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so
fast it can photograph an American with his mouth shut!
------------------------------------
From: RICH@suhep.phy.syr.edu (Richard S. Holmes)
Subject: Laws of motion, revised (#1)
Reichel's Law:
A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by an
outside force. (Carol Reichel)
------------------------------------
From: trb@ima.ima.isc.com (Andrew Tannenbaum)
Subject: more IBM bashing
Organization: Interactive Systems, Cambridge, MA 02138-5302
IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
------------------------------------
From: jtk@mordor.s1.gov (Jordan Kare)
Subject: Making a Killing (Original)
The price of political asassinations in Eastern Europe
has dropped by a factor of two in recent weeks.
It seems the KGB is going out of business, so they're
having a liquidation sale.
------------------------------------
From: chuck%bose (Chuck Cox)
Subject: brown-nose vs. shithead
Heard during Will Durst's routine at Catch a Rising Star...
What's the difference between a brown-noser and a shithead?
Depth perception.
------------------------------------
From: larry@birdsong.uucp (Lawrence T. Hardiman)
Subject: Movie Ratings
Organization: Birdsong -- A Private System
Q: What does the new movie rating "NC-17" stand for?
A: Not in Cincinati or within 17 miles thereof.
------------------------------------
From: FIN13@msu.UUCP (Mary.Nelson)
Subject: work (lack of)
I clipped this Frank and Ernest comic out of the paper about a year ago:
Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. "Ever since
they threatened to fire me," Frnak replied.
------------------------------------
From: dunc@eecg.toronto.edu (Duncan Elliott)
Subject: The doctoral candidate's creed ...
Death before dissertation.
------------------------------------
From: harry@uunet.uu.net
Subject: Signature Hits the point
"The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like
someone beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I
can see why!" -- Harry Skelton (harry@usrgrp)
------------------------------------
From: emery@cs.utexas.edu (Emery Berger)
Subject: Volkswagen headache
Q. What do you call it when someone rubs a Volkswagen van on your head?
A. A Fahrvergnoogie.
------------------------------------
From: C3S@cornellc.cit.cornell.edu (Mike Scullin)
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master merely stays out
of the way.
------------------------------------
From: fs@uwasa.fi (Filip Sawicki LAKE)
Subject: Saloon I
A skeleton in the saloon:
"One beer and one towel, please !"
------------------------------------
From: cagney@uunet.uu.net (Andrew Cagney - aka Noid)
Subject: Definition of sloppy
sloppy: /'slopi/,
a) adj, -pier, -piest, 1. muddy, slushy or very wet. 2. week,
silly or maudlin. 3. loose, careless or slovenly.
b) noun, colloq, -s, student living of parents, pre-yuppie stage.
----
It's much more descriptive than YUPPY, DINKY et.al. [part of the definition
is lifted from `The Macquarie']
------------------------------------
From: MA8081@primea.dundee.ac.uk (Dave Elsworth)
Subject: Defintions
Definition:-
Spoonerism: Having wrubble with your turds.
------------------------------------
From: sayah_k@unicom.UUCP (KIANUSCH... Yes, Kianusch himself !!!)
Subject: Lifestyle
Organization: Science Computer Center, Marin Community College, Kentfield CA
Make WAR not SEX,
it's safer!
------------------------------------
From: dave@lsuc.on.ca (David Sherman)
Subject: cut here (from a recent Usenet posting)
--------- if you cut here, you'll probably destroy your monitor ----------
(source code appeared next)
------------------------------------
From: fradkin@cz6.ics.uci.edu (Jim Fradkin)
Subject: animals in pantyhose
Q: How many animals can you find inside a lady's pantyhose?
A: Fourteen. Ten little piggies, two calves, a beaver,
and a dead fish you never can seem to find!
------------------------------------
From: ark@research.att.com
Subject: answering machine message [original]
Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.
------------------------------------
From: greg@dekalb.UUCP (Greg Philmon)
Subject: Radio joke
Recently on an Atlanta radio station, they were playing one of their "mock
commercials" they dream up.
The slogan was: "The Stealth Condom - they'll never see you coming."
(From March 11, long before a company decided to make these and got sued
by Northrup)
------------------------------------
From: friedl@mtndew.UUCP (Steve Friedl)
Subject: Oddball mathematical proof
[ From "On the Nature of Mathematical Proofs", Joel Cohen ]
Theorem: Every horse has an infinite number of legs
Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs,
and in front they have fore legs. This makes six legs, which is
certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. The only number
that is both odd and even is infinity. Therefore, horses have an
infinite number of legs.
------------------------------------
From: sullivan@crabcake.cs.jhu.edu
Subject: Robotic life
A cartoon in Thrust magazine by Teddy Harvia:
The scene depicts two robots. One robot is lying supine on
a couch and the second robot is sitting on a chair facing the couch.
The second robot is grasping a notebook and pencil and is saying,
"When did you first realize you hated your manufacturer?".
------------------------------------
From: harlan@silver.ucs.indiana.edu (Pete Harlan)
Subject: Another Fast Woman
Heard at a campus comedy competition:
I'm not saying my sister was a loose girl in high school,
but they put her picture in the yearbook sideways...
------------------------------------
From: dre@myrias.UUCP (Duane Eitzen)
Subject: An excerpt from Tehran University catalogue:
ENGL 323: English Literature
This course will concentrate on critical analysis of various
works from Britain, Canada and the United States. Knowledge of
the English language is not required but experience with plastic
explosives is recommended. This course is not open to students who have
martered themselves in previous offerings from this department.
english.213dejanr,
> The following are "tales" told by our MIS instructor:
> A physics professor was very strict about attendance, and despised
> tardiness.
> Being a science student, one naturally thinks
> quick, so the student snapped up and replied, "I came down from the
> back to get a better look at the board". The prof smiled.
Brings to mind my Freshman Chemistry class, taught by a professor with
very similar philosophies. One day, near the end of a rather long (and
boring, IMHO) lecture, a student picked his books up and started to
leave a few minutes early. The professor stopped him and said, "Where
do you think you're going?" "To the bathroom." "And why are you taking
your books with you?" "You're not going to stop class for me are you?"
"Well, no..." "Gee, I can't afford to miss any of THIS!"
Of course, the professor let him go.
english.214dejanr,
Dear Dave:
I am fed up with the recent low quality of my usual newsgroups. Should
I stick with it, or just say "to heck with it?"
Just another wondering fan...
Joe NewsReader
Dave: Reminds me of an incident last week... I remember it just like it
was videotaped this afternoon....
[screen becomes wavy and distorted...]
Dave: "Hal!! Oh, Hal!! I think I'm slipping into that damn dream sequence
again!"
[as screen focuses, it shows Dave reading news with the boys in the band...]
Dave: "Damn, I hate rec.humor. Nothing funny EVER gets posted here. Hmmm...
Another collection of light-bulb jokes... ah, hell... Paul, you see any
good news over there in alt.folklore.computers???"
Paul: "Well, Dave, me and the cats are looking, but I don't see anything good
in here so far. Anton, how about you?"
Anton: "Nope, nothing in rec.ballet, my FAVORITE group... Maybe Will has
something?"
Will: "Well, I don't see anything in rec.short.white.guys either..."
Sid: "And alt.cool.guitarists is equally as dead today, Dave. Sorry..."
Dave: "Damn!! That's it, I'm cutting off the InterNet link. With God as my
witness, there will be NO MORE NEWS at _THIS_ site!!"
[Dave goes for the EtherNet cable with a pair of electric garden shears,
but is stopped just short by...]
Larry Bud Melman (dressed as the News Fairy): "Dave! I wouldn't do that!"
Dave: "But News Fairy, we haven't seen any good news all DAY. Enough of this
tiresome searching through megs and megs of double-.signatures, flames,
mis-quotes, and "test" posts! I wish that net-news had NEVER BEEN
INVENTED!!!"
Fairy: "Well, David, I think I may grant that wish, just to prove my point..."
[Fairy sprinkles magic News Dust over Dave's head, and the screen fuzzes for
just an instant before focusing again. The Local Newsboy enters.]
Newsboy: "Extra, Extra, read all about it! Pestilence! Famine! War! Disease!
Fantasy Island being brought back in prime time! Special lost
episodes of "Punky Brewster" found in GE vault! New Kids on the
Block replace Paul Shaffer and his band on _Late Night_!"
[Dave picks up a paper and gasps in horror at the atrocities inside...]
Dave: "Gee, News Fairy, I didn't realize that net-news was this important in
the grand scheme of things! I'm sorry I wished even for a second that
net-news had never been!"
Fairy: "Yes, David, most people don't realize how important net-news is. It
keeps your average psycho off the street, posting to his favorite
groups again and again and again. That leaves the REAL world safe for
the rest of us."
Dave: "Wow, News Fairy. I don't know how I can thank you."
[Patriotic music begins in background... flag background
comes up behind News Fairy.]
Fairy: "There is only ONE way: read that news! Skip no articles, read each
and every one, from beginning to end. It may be tempting to hit that
'n' key, but remember: news-reading isn't just fun and exciting, it's
every proud American's duty!!
[Music reaches a dizzying crescendo, and dies off as News Fairy exits.]
Dave: "Well, I hope we all learned an important lesson here today. I want
everyone on the staff to hit those terminals right now, until EVERY
PIECE OF NEWS ON THE NET HAS BEEN READ!!! This world hangs in the
balance, and only we can save it. Read that net-news!!"
Paul: "Look, Dave! Patch 435 for Perl! What a find!!"
Sid: "A flame war in rec.arts.startrek... I hit the jackpot!"
Will: "Wow, a test post to rec.short.white.guys from Paul Williams! With
seven .signatures, each one ten lines long! God, I only hope I can
be this lucky EVERY time I read net-news..."
Paul: "Wow, Dan's raving about pty again.. I can't get ENOUGH of that!!!"
Dave: "And look, a touching piece of verse about the air-speed of a swallow...
I will have to save that for someone special! Let's not forgot what we
learned here today. Every one of us can promote good in the universe by
reading net-news!"
[scene closes with a short video montage of mom, apple pie, and Lee Iacocca]
--Gary A. Irick, irick@en.ecn.purdue.edu
--
english.215dejanr,
1) Bumper Sticker: Congress Happens
2) What do you give to a congressman who has everything?
An investigation!
3) What is a congressman's favorite color?
Plaid
#1 heard on local radio--Brian Wilson, WGST 640 AM
#2 heard from a friend
#3 heard from same friend
I know, I put 3 items here, but they're so short.
Gintas Jazbutis
Georgia Tech
GO JACKETS!!
english.216dejanr,
Source: Passed to me by a colleague in at the WA Dept. of Info. Services
Subject: Crossbreeding experiment
Q. What do you get when you cross a rat with a snake?
A. A lawyer with morals.
english.217dejanr,
A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day... when she
was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill dropped
out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home
folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by
the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning
against a post in front of the convent.
She couldn't get him off her mind and, thinking that he might be
in financial difficulties, she took the $10 bill and wrapped it
in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Don't despair,
Sister Eulalia," and threw it out of the window to him. He picked
it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped
his hat and went off down the street.
The next day she was in her cell saying her beads when she was
told that some man was at her door who insisted on seeing her.
She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for
her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills. When
she asked what they were for he replied, "That's the sixty bucks
you have coming. Don't Despair paid 5-1."
english.218dejanr,
OK I've seen alot of postings refering to deadbaby jokes, and I am
amazed that no one has thought to do this so here it is...
The Conical list of dead baby jokes
===================================
What's pink, charred, bloody, and blind?
A baby with forks in its eyes trying to get its favorite toy
out of a lit fireplace.
What's red and hangs in trees?
A baby that has been hit by a snowblower.
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
Because it was stapled to a chicken.
What does it take to make a dead baby float?
One scoop of ice cream and a scoop of dead baby.
What's the difference between unloading a truck load of dead babies
and a truck load of bowling balls?
You can use a pitchfork on the dead babies.
Why do they boil water when a baby's born?
So that if it's born dead, they can make soup.
What's red, squirm in a corner, and burbles ?
a baby chewing on a razor blade
What's red and white and goes around and around and around?
A baby in a blender.
Why do you put a baby in the blender feet first?
So you can watch its expression.
What's red and bubbly and scratches at the window?
A baby in a microwave.
What's red and crawls up your leg?
A homesick abortion.
What's small, screams, and can't turn corners?
A baby with a spear through it.
Whats 6 feet wide and can't turn round in corridors?
A baby with a spear through it's head.
What's red and has a million holes in it?
A baby on a bed of nails.
What's red and silver and crawls into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby?
Because you get a womb with a view.
How do you cross an auditorium full of babies?
With a snow blower.
What's gross?
A live baby under a pile of dead babies!
What's grosser?
He starts eating his way out!
What's even grosser?
He makes it!!
What's even grosser than that?
He goes back for seconds!!!
What's red and hangs from the ceiling?
A baby on a meathook!
What's red and goes around and around?
A baby in a garbage disposal!
What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
Twins in an acid bath.
What's the difference between a jar of afterbirth and a jar of pebbles?
You can't gargle with a jar of pebbles.
What's blue and squirms in the corner?
A baby in a baggie!
What's green and sits in a corner?
The same baby a week later!
What's worse than nailing a baby to a tree?
Tearing them off.
What's more fun than swing a baby on a clothes lines?
Stopping it with a spade.
english.219dejanr,
I just saw this on a hat yesterday:
My wife thinks of 2 months of begging as foreplay!
-Brian
You drop the bomb -more-
It goes off... -more-
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am *NOT* as think as you dumb I am!! | This space for rent (241-6939)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Disclaimer: Even I don't agree with myself!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please send me mail so I can send you mail so you can send me mail so ...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
english.220dejanr,
(Say to someone in an honest tone)
You: Did you know you can get AIDS from toilet seats now?
Listener: No you can't. (Or the like)
You: If you sit down beofre the next guy gets up!
Sorry this is old as card readers.
english.221dejanr,
Heard it a while ago, can't remember who to credit:
That guys' girlfriend is moving her business and organizes a party to
celebrate the move. Her friend can't attend the party, so he decides to
have her sent a floral arrangement with a good luck banner instead.
The next day, he calls his girlfriend to ask whether she received the flowers.
Her: "Yes, I did receive them, but I'm not sure what you meant by the message
on the banner."
Him: "Why, what did it say ?"
Her: "Rest in peace."
Him: "I feel terrible, the florist must have made a mistake and switched
banners with someone elses' !"
Her: "I did throw a cold at the party !"
Him: "I can't but imagine the cold the other banner must have thrown at
someones' funeral."
Her: "Why, what was on it?"
Him: "Best of luck in your new location!"
english.222dejanr,
In article <1347@helens.Stanford.EDU> deborah@oldplayfair.Stanford.EDU
(Deborah Breinan) writes:
>
>A little Indian boy asked the Chief how he names the newborn braves.
>The Chief replied, "Well, when I come out of my teepee, I name the
>child after the first thing I lay my eyes on-- for example, if I
>see a doe crossing camp, the child will be named `Running Deer,'
>and if I see a hawk overhead, the child will be named `Soaring
>Hawk'. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
Another similiar joke:
A little Indian boy asks his father how he is named. His father
replies "We Indians like to name our children after events that
happens during conception and pregnacy. For instance, your mother
broke a pot while carrying your brother, that's why he is called
Broken Pot. Also, your sister is called Last Child because we decided
not to have another child during her birth. Why do you ask,
Broken Rubber?"
english.223dejanr,
Seen on a men's toilet wall.....
"Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinals - it makes
them difficult to light."
english.224dejanr,
This joke comes from Musician magazine. (I can't remember the month,
but it was the Robert Johnson issue.)
Tom Fogerty has died. He wakes up and finds himself on a stage on
which a number of instruments are set up. A door offstage opens and in walk
Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding, and Buddy
Holly. Each musician picks up his favorite instrument and begins tuning up.
All of the instruments are taken but, to Tom's immense pleasure, the drums.
He walks up to Jimi and says, "Man, so this is what heaven is like." Jimi
looks at him and says, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?" At that moment,
Karen Carpenter walks in, takes her seat behind the drums, and calls out, "Okay
guys, 'Close to You'. One, two, three, four..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Disclaimer knows more than datclaimer.
english.225dejanr,
How do you get a JAP to stop having sex?
Marry her.
english.226dejanr,
Bear Dawg and Andy Dawg walked into the local telegraph office and
Bear pawed the clerk money and a piece of paper with 'woof woof woof woof
woof woof woof woof woof' on it. The clerk took the dog's money, and read
the paper the dog had pawed to him.
"Wait," the clerk said. "You've got only nine 'woofs' here. You
can send ten for the same price."
"That won't be necessary," Bear Dawg answered.
On the way out the door, Bear Dawg saw a clerk's assistant eating a
doughnut and drinking a Miller Genuine Draft (tm) in a bottle. Pointing out the
assistant to Andy Dawg, Bear said, "boy, I wish I could do that!"
"Well," replied Andy. "You had better wimper and wag to him first!"
H H AA !!
H H A A !!
HHHHHH AAAAAA !!
H H A A
H H A A !!
First half attributed to Play Boy, second is original.
-Road Dawg
english.227dejanr,
In article <2657.2783223c@iccgcc.decnet.ab.com>, lucko@iccgcc.decnet.ab.com
(Dan
Lucko) writes:
>
> Q. What is Bach doing now?
>
> A. De-composing.
Here we go again with, "that's not the way I heard it" but I really
should be told in it's complete splendor...anyhow...
There was once a very big fan of J.S. Bach and he lived his life in
the pursuit of KNOWING Bach as much as possible, but one day he just broke
down and decided he HAD to see the one and ONLY J.S. Bach... so he traveled
to Bach's grave and started digging the man he lived for up. When he hit
paydirt, he saw a light comming from the coffin. He opened the lid and there
was Bach with all of his manuscripts and an eraser cleaning each and every
note off of the page. The man gasped and said "What are you doing?!" Bach
responded, "I'm de-composing!"
THERE I feel much better that I got that off my chest. Thank you.
Patrick.
I'm standing at the altar as they play the wedding march
I'm in a black tuxedo with my collar full or starch
She looks as lovely as she's ever gonna get
I wake up form this nightmare in a pool of sweat
- Vernon Reid/Living Colour
"Love Rears Up Its Ugly Head"
Patrick F. Tully (Paghty O')
ptully@oucsace.cs.OHIOU.EDU
english.228dejanr,
How about...
Why did Snow White get thrown out of Disneyland(world)?
She was caught sitting on Pinocio's face yelling....
"Lie to me, now tell the truth. Lie to me, now tell the truth!"
Patrick
I got two feet from my hips to the ground and when I move 'em I walk around
and when I lift 'em I climb the stairs and when I shave 'em they ain't got
hair!
english.229dejanr,
Paul Ferguson writes:
} Michael Purvis writes:
}>
}>OK, kiddies...due to popoular demand, here's some more...(recently posted to
}>sci.military)
}>
}> snafu situation normal, all fucked up
}> fubb fucked up beyond all belief
}> fubar fucked up beyond all recognition
}> fumtu fucked up more than usual
}> tarfu things are really fucked up
}> figmo fuck it, got my orders
}> janfu joint army-navy fuckup. (When American troops get shelled
}> by their own side, in this case involving both the army and
}> the navy.)
}> gfu general fuck-up
}> samfu self-adjusting military fuck-up
}> sapfu surpassing all previous fuck-ups
}> susfu situation unchanged, still fucked-up
}>
}>
} How about:
} hua Head up ass
} hwua Head way up ass
}
How about a cranio-rectal inversion? (Email if you have to ask...)
english.230dejanr,
Q. What four animals can't a woman do without?
A. A mink on her back, a tiger in her bed, a Jaguar in her garage,
and a jackass to make it all possible.
*****************************************************************************
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE MEN & THE BOYS IS THE SIZE OF THEIR TOYS.
-Madame X
english.231dejanr,
Mr. SoDamn Insane sits in his war room,
contemplating who knows what, when at the door ...
"Knock, knock"
SoDamn: Who's there?
Door: Land shark, I mean, Candygram.
SoDamn: Candy? SoDamn like candy!
He opens the door foolishly. U.S. troops swarm inside and pin
him into one of the comfy chairs. A over-meadaled general struts into
the room ...
General: Corporal, proceed with the skull check.
Corporal: YESSIR!
SoDamn: Acktheblutt scorbuni rubblestoni
(Translated: what's the meaning of all this gentlemen?)
Corporal: AFFIRMATIVE SIR! HE HAS THE TRIPLE-SIX INDICITIVE ON HIS
LEFT CRANIUM SIR!
General: Excellent! Call in the skewer squad!
A specialized craack-team of professionals, trained in the methods
of acupuncture with ancient cutlery stomps into the room and surrounds
Mr. SoDamn Insane.
Captain: Skewer squad ready SIR!
General: Exorcise the poor bastard at will Captain.
Captain: YESSIR!
.....
(and so on, Its not quite complete, I know. E-Mail me suggestions for
the continuing saga of the Doomed Devil Dictator!)
english.232dejanr,
A while ago, I ordered from a mail order company for the first time.
After waiting several weeks, I called them and asked what had happened
to my order. The clerk asked me for my address again and said that
she would trace the package. In a few weeks I got the package, and
after I read the crossed-off writing on the package I understood what
happened. On the order form, I wrote my address as "... West ..."
Apparently this was entered into the computer as "... Est ..." ('w'
and 'e' are next to each other on the keyboard, so this is not too
unusual). This address was then written on the package. (If it had
been hand written directly from my order form, this mistake would have
been very unlikely, since the capital 'W' is very obvious.) In
Manhattan, almost all addresses are of the form "... West ..." or "...
East ..." (denoting the appropriate side of the island), so faced with
the choice, the shipper corrected "Est" to "East". Thus my package
ended up in a completely different part of the city; if it had been
sent to another house nearby, I'm sure it would have found it's way to
me.
Interestingly enough, if I had written "W" instead of "West", the
mistake probably would not have happened, since it's easier to
scramble a word than to type a single letter wrongly. Thus by coding
the information with more characters, I actually increased the
probability of error.
english.233dejanr,
This sounds a lot like an urban myth, but my brother-in-law tells me
that this happened to the wife of someone he works with. I must admit
that I'm a bit sceptical but its certainly worth a chuckle.
It seems that this lady didn't quite make it to hospital for the birth
of her child, in fact, the baby was born on the lawn just outside the
main entrance. The poor woman was dreadfully embarrased and was being
consoled by one of the Nurses, who said; "Don't worry about it. It could
have been worse, why two years ago we had a woman who gave birth in the
elevator." The woman cried "That was me!" and burst into tears.
english.234dejanr,
Some Iraq Jokes, for your amusement:
Q: What do you call an Iraqi soldier in the Desert?
A: A speed bump.
Q: What do you get when you put 32 Iraqi women in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.
Q: Why don't they have Sex Education and Driver Education in
the same day in Iraq?
A: The Camals would get too tired.
Q: What do Saddam Hussain and his father have in common?
A: The both didn't pull out in time.
Q: What do you call an Iraqi with a camal under one arm, and
a lama under the other?
A: Bi-sexual.
english.235dejanr,
An older couple fell in love and got married. After a wonderful
wedding day, they were preparing to hop into the sack to consumate
their marriage ...
Wife: "Since I'm 80 years old I think you should know that I have
acute angina."
Husband: "That's good, 'cause you sure have ugly tits!"
english.236dejanr,
obfollowup:
Heaven for a bicyclist is being given car to drive in Hell.
Hell for a driver is having to ride a bicycle.
(Hell is not full of fire and brimstone--just leaded gas and
high sulphur coal.)
obtrivialpursuits:
Which three Nato countries border the Soviet Union?
obrumour:
Any message without objoke: is automatically deleted.
english.237dejanr,
Two guys' truck breaks down way out in the country. They go to the
only house in sight to ask the farmer for help. He agrees to help them, on
the condition that one of them sleeps with his daughter. Having basically
no choice, they agree and draw straws. One goes up to her room while the
other goes outside to wait. She is so ugly that he asks her to wear a bag
over her face. Knowing how hideously ugly she is, she agrees, so long as
he'll screw her.
Noticing a bag of corn in the corner, the guy has an idea. He husks it
and plunges it inside of her, in and out. After a time, she comes and
demands more. He tosses the ear of corn out of the window and gets out
another one, husks it and repeats the process, then chucks it out the window.
He repeats this until she is satisfied, then he goes out to meet his buddy.
"Sorry it took so long," he apologizes.
"Oh, no problem. While you were up there having to fuck that dog, I
was down here enjoying hot buttered corn."
--------------------
Two guys are stranded out in the country when their truck breaks down.
They walk up the road until finally they come to a house, where they ask
the farmer to borrow some tools so they can fix their truck and for a place
to stay until the truck is repaired. The farmer agrees, but he says that
since he has only one extra bed, one of the men will have to sleep with his
daughter.
His daughter turns out to be a very horny woman, but unluckily for the
guys, she is hideously ugly. When she and the man sharing her room get into
bed, she asks whether they can change places. "No problem," he says.
He gets up and walks around her to the other side of the bed and she moves
over. But in a few minutes she asks again whether they can switch places.
She thinks that perhaps the first side was better after all-- that must be
the side she's used to sleeping on. "Okay," he says. Again he gets up and
walks around the bed and she moves over. In a few minutes she asks him
*again* whether they can trade places. "The first way was better after all,
I guess," she says. He complies, yet again walking around the bed as she
rolls over. "You know," she says, "there's no need for you to keep getting
out of bed and walking *around* it. I think we both know what I *really*
want, don't you?..."
"Yah, the whole god-damned bed!!!!"
english.238dejanr,
On most stapler's I've seen, the little plate that bends the staple has
two settings. Most ordinary mortals use the "together" setting. What
the heck is the "apart" setting for?!?
--Jon
Dear Jon, (yes, it's one of those letters)
The "apart" setting was based on one of the Aborigine manhood
rituals. A competitor would take his boomerangs(*) and try to
affix a written scroll to a designated tree. To make this task easier,
the boomerangs were often sharpened on the ends or decorated with
sharp stones. But, alas, this led to problems with the aerodynamics
of the the boomerang.
Then one Aborigine, with the help of computer scientists, aerospace
engineers and a Cray XMP, designed the ultimate boomerang for this task.
Finite element analysis showed that the stapler in its "apart" setting
would maximize the ability of a normal Aborigine to staple the scroll
to the tree. Now, staplers are, for convenience, made the same for sale
both here and abroad.
I hope this will help put your mind at ease, just ignore the
"apart" setting while in our culture.
-Mr. Noah Tall
english.239dejanr,
Dear Mr. Noah Tall:
A friend of mine told me that LISP is the best artificial
intelligence programming language. Doeth that ekthplain why motht
thpeech thynthethizers talk funny?
Cleft Lipp
Dear Mr. Lipp,
Actually, there is a better reason for the odd sounding speech
from most speech synthesizers...THEY'RE STUPID! Have you noticed
that they sound worse than (no offense intended) special education
students? Keep in mind it is ARTIFICIAL intelligence, not to
be confused with that of the banana slug, which is far superior
(refer to AI periodicals).
I personally am under the philosophy that banana slugs are the
new wave in high technology. Why waste time and money (time IS
money) on multi-megabyte computers when you could have these
adorable little darlings calculating your financial records,
finite element analyses, and/or stress tests.
Imagine the possibilities: slug workstations, slug mainframes,
all kinds of slug networks!!
There would be a need for measures to prevent soboteurs from
taking salt into the labs.
-Mr. Noah Tall
english.240dejanr,
Dear Mr. Noah Tall...
Who invented Jello...?
Curious...?
Dear Curious,
Jello was originally invented by the ancient Egyptians as a means
of preserving internal organs, food, pets, slaves and playthings for
the Pharoahs. They believed that in the after-life, the pharoah would
rise from the dead and dig through the Jello until he found his
favorite fruit and then begin a 7 day feast. This was known as "The
Great Feast of Molded Fruit" after the condition in which the fruit
would most likely be found.
This tradition was passed on and changed many times from culture
to culture until it arrived here. We still have molded fruit on
certain occasions today, but in better condition than that of our
ancestors...with the possible exception of bananas. Again, we see
that the past is still the basis of the present.
-Mr. Noah Tall
english.241dejanr,
======By Golly I really Miss These===========================
Dear Mr. Noah Tall,
I need to type a report on "Farts and Farting." What are the
standard names for the different classes of farts?
Ima Wondring
Dear Ima,
There is only one class of farts, but it is broken into several
genus-species categories. The most common are listed and defined
below. Enjoy!
Percussicus simplizoan: the common fart; a small sound and
slight odor...it presents no major problem in a well-ventilated room
Anus ignitus: the mexican food fart; often accompanied by
watery eyes and a lack of interest in sitting; these can be detected
several feet away by sound and/or smell; DO NOT EXPOSE TO OPEN
FLAMES!
Humidimus fecium: wet farts; the kind that happen all day when
you eat high fibre diets; these are usually accompained by brown
stains and itching, wet buttocks...they don't go over well at small
parties, but in public swimming pools, they're untraceable
Loyaltus befriendius: the kind of fart that follows you around
wherever you go for the next half hour causing shortness of breath
of everyone within a 9 foot radius
Nutronus ingestium: the farts that gag all the people but
leave the buildings standing; it was the original inspiration
for both the neutron bomb and poison gas; these can be tasted as
well as smelled and may cause skin and eye irratation
Vaporous sinous: known as the "therapeutical fart," these
can clear sinus passages or strip paint from the walls; usually
emitted silently
-Mr. Noah Tall
english.242dejanr,
HERE'S A FEW TERRORIST JOKES THAT COULD BE FUNNY. ANY FLAMES
SHOULD BE DIRECTED TO MY E-MAIL ADDRESS. THANX.
Q: HOW MANY TERRORISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: NONE; THEY HOLD AMERICANS HOSTAGE AND MAKE THEM DO IT.
DID YOU HEAR OF THE SADDAM HUSSEIN DOLL?
YOU WIND HIM UP AND HE HOLDS KEN AND BARBIE HOSTAGE
AT THE GAS PUMP.
HOW DO YOU GET A TERRORIST ON YOUR CASE IF YOU ARE AMERICAN?
BREATHE.
MISC. JOKES:
SPEAKING OF HIGHWAY ROBBERY, HAVE YOU EVER DRIVEN A TOLLWAY?
BOBCAT
((IF YOU DO NOT LIKE MY DRIVING, STAY OUT OF THE TERMINAL ROOM.))
((COMMENTS ACCEPTED AT MY E-MAIL ADDRESS ONLY. U38730@UICVM.UIC.EDU))
english.243dejanr,
My mother told me this one after her first semester of college (she
went to college after all the kids had moved out of the house):
There were these two statues. One was a scantily draped woman, one
was a nude man, and they faced each other across the fountain in the
center of a park. One day a fairy godmother happened by on her day
off work and saw the two of them. She was in a jovial sort of mood,
and nobody was around at the moment, so with a wave of her wand, she
brought the two statues to life.
She told them, "You have until midnight tonight to do anything you
like."
The man looked at the woman and winked, "Sooo... I know what _I'd_
like to do. How about you?"
She giggled, "Yeah. I think I know what you mean. Let's go." The two ran
off into the tall bushes.
As time went on, people passing heard all manner of thrashing about and
grunting and groaning coming from the bushes.
After about an hour, the noises stopped, the woman stepped from the
bushes and said, "OK, that's enough. Now it's my turn to hold the pigeons
and you can shit on them."
english.244dejanr,
RIDDLE:
Bush has a short one,
Gorbachev has a long one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
and
the Pope has one, but isn't allowed to use it.
What is it?
A last name!
(What were YOU thinking of?)
english.245dejanr,
Adviser: "Well, Mr. President, the deadline's expired. What shall we
do?"
Bush: "Send in Colin Powell"
Adviser: "Isn't that rather a limited strike, sir?"
Bush: "No, I mean send him in to my office!"
Powell: "Sir!"
Bush: "What would be the result of an air strike on
Wednesday night?"
Powell: "Millions of innocent civilians killed and the city
razed to the ground, Sir!"
Bush: "You know I don't understand that military jargon!
Give it to me in words I can understand."
Powell: "Personnel density adjustment and strategic collateral
upheaval, Sir!"
Bush: "That bad?!"
english.246dejanr,
My first submission since the net.jokes days ... 1984 ?
Please feel free to substitute your own stereotypes.
An Englishman and a Texan are at lunch, in England.
The Texan says "In Texas, we grow potatos eight inches across!"
The Englishman says "In England, we grow them to fit English mouths."
english.247dejanr,
Sue and Bob, a pair of tightwads, lived in the midwest, and had
been married years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire
deepened each time a barnstormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob
would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."
The years went by, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so
he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at
least watch. And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue
and Bob started an argument. The Pilot, between flights, overheard,
listened to their problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you
up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you
make one sound, you pay ten dollars."
So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls and dives as he
could. Heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling
out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he
admitted defeat and went back the airport.
"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"
"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars
is ten dollars."
english.248dejanr,
My father told me this one, as he heard it from one of the parents.
One day their daughter comes home from third grade all excited.
Her teacher has been telling the class all about how women are the
equals of men, and that they should receive equal pay for equal
work. She's all excited and she goes on and on telling her parents
about this. Finally she says, "Daddy, when you become president you
should pass a law that says that women should be paid the same as men!".
At this point her mother says, "Maybe I should do it when *I* become
president.". To which their daughter replies, "Don't be silly Mommy,
*women* can't be presidents!".
english.249dejanr,
A true story:
The scene:
After a family meal one night, 3 generations of the family are sitting around
chatting. A 4 year old is sitting on her grandfather's knee.
4YO: "Grandpa, can you make a noise like a frog?"
G: "What?"
4YO: "Can you make a noise like a frog?"
G: "Why do you want me to make a noise like a frog"
4YO: "Well, last night Daddy said that when you croak we can all to to
Disneyland"
Luckily the old man took the comment in good humor.
english.250dejanr,
NEWARK, N.J. - An abandoned 54 Devine St. bus that was noticed by po-
lice today appears to have been the object of a PLO hijacking sometime
in the late 1970s. Inside were the badly decomposed bodies (pictures
in the late edition) of 17 passengers, 4 hijackers, 3 dogs, and 2 live
bag ladies. What drew the attention of the police was a fire started
by one of the bag ladies in her attempt to protest the presidential
candidacy of Barry Goldwater. Her companion stated that she was a
firm Johnson supporter and obsessed with the idea that right wing ex-
tremists, led by Jerry Falwell - though still a mere lad - would take
over the nation and impose THEIR values on us all. As an honors grad-
uate of Radclife and a certified Liberal Democrat she felt the need to
speak out in a manner that would capture the imagination of the pub-
lic. So she set fire to herself. The fire had burned through six
layers of newspaper and crud before the Newark Fire Dept. managed to
storm the bus and put her out. Defiantly waving a single finger at
the cameras and shouting "Extremism in the defense of Liberty is no
vice" she promised to do it again as medical attendants took her away.
When our reporter pointed out that this was 1988 and the election the
poor woman was concerned about was long over her companion said, "She
doesn't give up old ideas easily. We're Liberal Democrats, you know."
Police then entered the bus and discovered the passengers, the hijack-
ers, and the dogs. One of the hijackers left a diary of his ordeal,
from which it is possible to piece together the story of what happened
on the bus. It seems that after boarding the bus at 18th Ave. (with-
out the correct change, which caused a brief altercation with the
driver, who tried to refuse them entrance despite the weapons they
carried) they immediately shot two of the passengers but couldn't get
the rest to notice their presence. They then proceeded to divert the
bus from its formal route and yelling slogans and scattering leaflets
they shot at passers-by as they went - expecting to get the attention
of the authorities and media coverage. But to their total amazement,
nothing happened except for some desultory return fire from armed
passers-by and being cut off in traffic by a couple of taxi cabs and a
school bus. Finally they noticed a Newark Police cruiser in traffic
ahead of them and shot out the rear window which caused the cruiser to
speed up and quickly turn off at the next intersection and pull into a
White Castle, where the two officers went inside and sat at the count-
er and looked the other way as the bus crawled by outside.
The first of many nights they spent under a traffic bridge down at
Port Newark trying to understand what was happening to them and fight-
ing off attacks by organized gangs attempting to jack up the bus and
steal the tires and engine. The passengers still did not acknowledge
their presence.
Dawn rose on the second day and they were full of hope and revolution-
ary zeal. The driver kept writing on his trip sheet, which they at
first thought might be an attempt to drop a note out calling for help,
which led to a discussion as to should they look the other way in or-
der to finally get some attention, but it turned out he was only mak-
ing note of his overtime.
As they passed through the streets of Newark again, slowing down from
time to time in the traffic, they noticed people would beat on the
doors and shout curses at them, giving rise to the hope they were dis-
covered and just down the street would be a police roadblock and a
showdown before the cameras. They finally realized the these people
were trying to get ON the bus and were angry they wouldn't stop and
open the doors.
Soon there arose a supply problem as the food they brought with them
was only meant to last a few hours - a day at most - and then they had
counted on the authorities to supply them and their hostages with ev-
erything. By now the passengers had noticed them since one of them (a
Mr. Rosenberg) was a tort lawyer and had passed his card around to ev-
eryone and assured them that they could sue the bus driver, the bus
company, the city, the state, the nation and perhaps get something
from God for all their suffering and inconvenience. And he'd take the
standard cut in such cases. The hijackers felt they were making prog-
ress since they now could get the passengers to acknowledge they ex-
isted. They pulled into the parking lot of a Burger King "Busses Wel-
come" and ordered a Mr. Polochck, married to Mrs. Polochck (who sat
beside him) for 32 years to go inside and order 45 hamburgers, 10
Whalers, 27 large fries, 20 cokes, and 14 hot apple pies or they would
blow off Mrs. Polochck's head. He marched into the store as they held
a gun to Mrs. Polochck's head in plain view and ordered 1 hamburger, 1
large fries and 1 coke, turned and smiled, waved good bye to his wife,
shot a bird at the hijackers and sat down at a table to eat. Totally
nonplused, the hijackers neglected to shoot a raging Mrs. Polochck and
ordered the driver to move on.
(At this point the diary starts to become incoherent.)
They finally managed to obtain a food supply by letting on passengers,
usually little old ladies, with shopping bags waiting in front of food
marts.
After several days of failing to attract anyone's attention outside
the bus the hijackers decided to give up and go back to training camp
with this new wrinkle in Urban Warfare Against the Oppressor. Howev-
er, it seems that the passengers, led by Mr. Rosenberg and aided by
the driver who had been promised he would not be sued but could join
their suit, wouldn't LET THEM OFF THE BUS. Their thinking was, the
longer the ordeal lasted the greater ammount in damages the passengers
could collect. The hijackers were low in ammunition, at a loss as to
what to do next and throughly cowed by the demands of the passengers
that they continue the hijacking. After a feeble attempt to debark
the bus, beat back largely by Mrs. Polochck who lived for revenge a-
gainst her husband, the hijackers were disarmed and herded to the back
of the bus. (They were found in a pathetic pile under the rear seat.)
It is not known for how long the bus actually managed to roam the
streets of Newark or how all on it came to their grim end. There
seems to have been some kind of falling out among the passengers.
Some had on white arm bands and some had on red. In any case the bus
came to rest on the side of Rt22 leading out of Newark heading towards
Springfield and was not investigated by the authorities until the
fire. How the dogs entered the picture is the big mystery!
We asked the Chief of Police how it could be that a bus load of people
could disappear and no one notice. He said that it was not unusual,
there were any number of buses missing from the public garages and the
records from the late '70s themselves were missing after an attempt to
investigate charges that the Public Transport Dept. was involved in
selling city busses to Long Island fishing industry officials for use
as artificial reefs off shore. It would seem that none of the pass-
engers, either the original 17 or the little old ladies picked up lat-
er, were ever missed by anyone. The driver was carried on the books
as being owed over $3 million in back wages, although it cannot be
determined when he went missing as his union brothers kept punching
his time card in and out up until the day of the fire.
Mr. Polochck was unavailable for comment, being on his honeymoon in
Bermuda with his third (teenage) wife.
The PLO has no record of a hijack team missing in Newark, NJ.
However there is a record of a lost dog in 1980 that seems to fit the
remains of one of the three dogs found on the bus. A man is on his
way to view the remains and we will bring you an interview with him
about this potentially heart warming story if a positive identifica-
tion is made.
AFTER THIS BRIEF COMMERCIAL WE'LL BE BACK WITH THE LATEST ON THE
FATHER WHO ...
english.251dejanr,
-- COMPUTER SCIENTIST: A chemical analysis --
Element: Computerscientistium
Symbol: Cs
Discoverer: Disputed. Alan Turing is regarded by many as the discoverer,
but there is evidence that impure samples were isolated by
Charles Babbage.
Atomic weight: Varies, due to the large number of isotopes occurring (see
below).
Occurrence: Currently rare, but availability is predicted to rise as
extraction techniques are improved by Universities.
Global distribution is strongly correlated with indigenous
deposits of money.
Cost: The rarity of this substance currently makes it rather
expensive, but its intrinsic value is apparently much lower.
Properties:
1. Reactions involving Computerscientistium are very more productive under
pressure. However, the results tend to be unstable, difficult to
reproduce and often require the addition of more Computerscientistium
to remain useful.
2. Reactions have also been observed to be more productive at night, and
generally require the presence of copious quantities of coffee to
proceed.
3. In a low pressure environment (eg university research lab), the
substance quickly decays into common isotopes like Hackium, Zorkium,
etc. These substances are completely worthless, and it is extremely
difficult to recover much of the original Computerscientistium.
4. Local concentrations of Computerscientistium are often found around
whiteboards. These devices seem to act as a buffer when
Computerscientistium gets excited or energised, and are able to absorb
much of the energy.
Managers of labs which use Computerscientistium are advised
to fit whiteboards to offices, cars, bedrooms etc, where the substance
is held. This will help to keep it stable.
5. Certain very high-energy isotopes of Computerscientistium, eg
Billjoysium, are popularly reported to give off sparks. This behaviour
has not been reproduced under laboratory conditions, but users should
take appropriate precautions just in case.
6. Reactions involving large quantities of Computerscientistium are often
observed to continue in a very excited state for long periods, without
producing anything.
7. Computerscientistium is also highly absorbent, being able to cause
practically any conversation at parties to dry up almost instantly.
It is, though, less absorbent in this respect than Accountantium
(especially the isotope Auditorium)
Uses:
Investigation of the long-term uses of the substance are still underway.
However, some samples have been observed to turn Nothing-Much into large
quantities of money (eg commercial games writers). However, it seems that
Computerscientistium is better suited to the corporate environment, where
it turns large quantities of money into Nothing-Much.
english.252dejanr,
"I ran three miles today....ahh, finially I said,"Lady, take your purse."
-Emo Philips, from E=mo
"If I wasn't here, right now there would be a pile of clothes"
-Bob Rubin, at the Punchline
Thomas Jefferson's admonition: "A people who expect to be ignorant and free
expect what never will, and never can, be."
Q. What's the most difficult thing about learning to play the Bagpipes?
A. It's so hard to tell when you hit a wrong note.
If you die and go to heaven, St. Peter gives you a halo and a harp.
If you die and go to hell, the Devil gives you a pitchfork and a
set of Bagpipes.
C Code. C Code Run. Run, Code, RUN!
PLEASE!!!!
english.253dejanr,
In Russia, it's very hard to get Vodka. There are very very long
lines. So one day, these two friends, Ivan and Micheal, are standing in
line for Vodka. They've been there for four hours. Ivan just can't stand
it any longer, so he says to Michael, "I'm going to take my gun and go shoot
Gorbachov!" He's gone for an hour, and when he comes back Michael says,
"Well, did you kill him?" Ivan replied, "No, that line was even longer!"
----------------------------------------------------
Comrade Popov was taking trips to various cities. From Warsaw
he sent back a postcard: Greeting from Free Warsaw. From Czechoslovakia
on the next trip he wrote: Greeting from Free Prague. He traveled on to
Bulgaria and wrote back: Greetings from Free Sofia; and then to Hungary,
writing a card back: Greetings from Free Budapest. Finally he reached
Vienna and wrote his last card: Greetings from Free Popov.
----------------------------------------------------
"There are three kinds of Jews in Moldavia (Moldavian Republic in USSR):
the Pessimists -- they are learning English,
the Optimists -- they are learning Moldavian (indigenous language), and
the Realists -- those are learning the design and operation of machine guns."
english.254dejanr,
A man walks into Red Square on day screaming "Gorbachov's an idiot!
Gorbachov's an idiot." Well, the KGB chased him around for awhile until
they finally caught him. They immediately took him to court where the
judge decided on his sentence. The poor fellow was given exactly 10 years
and seven days in jail. Two days for disturbing the peace, five days for
insulting the leader, and ten years for revealing a state secret!!!
----------------------------------------------------
An inspector was making the rounds of the communal farms in his district,
and he approached a potato farmer. "How was the potato harvest this season,
comrade?" he demanded. "Excellent, excellent," exclaimed the farmer, "our
potatoes could be piled high enough to reach the toe of God!" A bit taken
aback, the inspector said, "But comrade, this is the Soviet Union; there
is no God." Replied the farmer, "That's no problem, because there aren't
any potatoes, either."
----------------------------------------------------
"In News, there is no truth; and in Truth there is no news."
I guess it makes more sense in russian.. Pravda is truth, and Isvestia is
news. The two big Soviet papers: Pravda and Isvestia.
----------------------------------------------------
Seems the Department of Information Services (Ministry of Propaganda) was out
in the field, taking 'the Rewolution" to the people: explaining the
fundamentals
of Socialism to the populace to bolster popularity. A member of the Department
was out talking to a farmer in Siberia...
Official: So you see, comrade, dat it iz de way Marx explained: "From each
according to his abilities, to each according to his needs." You understand?
Farmer: (confused) Nyet...
O: OK. Iz like dis: Say a comrade has two cows. Ve take one cow from him and
give it to comrade that has no cow. Dat is de Rewolution. You see?
F: (Happily) Da, Da! Iz good!
O: And if a comrade has two tractors, ve take one of his tractors and give to
man who has no tractors. Da?
F: (Very excited) Da! Da! Is WERY good!
O: And if a comrade has two cheekens, ve give one cheeken to man who has no
cheekens. Da?
F: Nyet! Iz not good!
O: Vy iz not good?
F: (Despondently) I have two cheekens...
----------------------------------------------------
A badger is quietly walking through Red Square. He sees two rabbits,
running just as fast as they can, come from one street.
Badger: "Wait! Why are you running!?"
Rabbit 1: "The KGB is arresting all the camels!"
Badger: "But you're rabbits!"
Rabbit 2: "Yeah, but try telling the KGB that!"
----------------------------------------------------
english.255dejanr,
Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
"What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these stops
and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts that
get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time.
One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they had
the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
teach you that you cann't have your Kate and Edith, too."
A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
his honeymoon a chastened husband. He became aware of the will of the wisp.
A young husband with an inferiorty complex insisted he was just a little
pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to save
your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had
him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher. She's
a women who conks to stupor.
Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
Lawyer: Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods?
Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Real-estate man: Would you like to see a model home?
Man: I sure would, when does she get off work?
It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
bad legs should stick to long shirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
It's not the inital skirt length, it's the upcreep.
A bachelor is a cagey guy and has a load of fun:
He sizes all the cuties up and never Mrs. one.
The bank sent our stement this morning.
The sheet was a sight of great awe.
It figures and mine might have balanced,
But my wife was too quick on the draw.
Penn's aunts made great pies at low prices. No one else in town could
compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
During the American Revolution tried to rai a farm. He stumbled across
a rock on the ground and fell, then an agressive Rhode Island Red hoped on
top. The farmer came out at this moment and commented, "Check catch a Tory."
A wife started serving chopped meat, monday hamburger, tuesday meat
loaf, wednesday tartar steak, and thrusday meatballs. On Friday the morning
asked her, "How now, ground cow?"
A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
The chef answered, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
never reveal our sauce."
J. Paul Getty was thinking about opening an Italian restaurant, the
name, "Sp Getty."
The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission Chips."
On April Fools day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes.
She blew her stack.
A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep
favoring curry.
A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had
the volley of the Dills.
A banker fell over board. His friends couldn't find a life preserver.
One asked, "Can you float alone?"
The women at one college called a would be romeo a great natural athlete.
He makes every broad jump.
A filibuster, throughing your wait around.
Molly invented a stainless-steel sink. It's called the Unbrownable Molly
Sink.
A reverend wanted to call another reverend. He told the operator, this
is a parson to parson call.
A farmer with lots of chickens posted the following sign. "Free Chickens.
Our Coop Runneth Over."
A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled
hearing.
Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. Mort is the expert. Bill
is not the rigger Mort is.
Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
The judge fined the offender fifty dollars and told him if he was caught
again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
A rock store was closed by the police, they were taking too much for
granite.
A man who keep stealing mopids was an obvious cycle-path.
A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
during a raid at the house of a mobster. His excuse, "I was making a bolt for
the door."
A farm in the country side had seven turkeys, it was known as the house
of seven gobbles.
A man was reading The Canterbury Tales at breakfast one saturday morning.
His wife asked "What have you got there?" "Just my cup and Chaucer."
A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it platoonic.
Max told his friend he didn't want to go for a hike in the hills. "I'm
an anti-climb Max."
Known as a tough, nasty umpire, the man in a foul mood upon walking
into his home asked his son to come sit on his lap, "Not now dad, GI Joe
is still on." The son never sits on a Brutish Umpire.
A new wagon designed for LA rush hour traffic is called the Stationary
wagon.
An Uncle died, left several hundred clocks to a niece, she's busy winding
up the estate.
A Texan down on the range is suing for a divorce. He found his dear
and an interloper playing.
Two cheerleaders ended up married, they met by chants.
Two cans of paint got married, later the bride whispered, "Darling,
I think I'm pigment."
Two boy silkworms pursued a luscious girl silkworm. They ended up in a
tie.
A doctor told the boy, "This injection won't hurt a bit." That's an MD
promise.
Advice to ice skaters: You can't always tell a brook by its cover.
A guru hops around often, he's known as the Kan Guru.
A hermit was arrested after driving a hundred miles an hour, the charge
was recluse driving.
What do they call a man who builds twenty boats a month? Sir Launchalot.
The clerks of a store went on strike. Things were fine until the owner
found out one of the picketers had had smallpox. The owner called the union,
"This time you've gone to far. My picket has been pocked."
A swami stopped in at the butcher shop and asked for butcher for a pound
of liver, but the dishonest butcher weighed down upon the swami's liver.
A prospector marched into an assayer's office and planted two huge
nuggests
on the counter. "Well, don't just stand there, assay something!"
Indian Chief Shortcake died, so Squaw bury Shortcake.
An Indian family with sixteen kids was just one big Hopi family.
A fortune-teller started laughing seconds after looking into his crystal
ball. The client hit him. "Why did you do that" "My mother always told
me to strike a happy medium."
An American family sent some poor cousins in East Germany a package
of food. Weeks later when they heard it still had not arrived, cabled the
cousins with "Cheer up, the wurst is yet to come."
english.256dejanr,
There was an influential businessman who found out that his wife was
having an affair with the butcher and the produce man in a local grocery store.
Needless to say, he was quite furious and figured she and her lovers weren't
fit to live, so he decided to kill them.
Not wanting to risk his prominence in the business world, he decides to
hire a bum off the street who desparately needed some money. So he finds
a bum named Artie and offers him a buck to kill his wife and her lovers the
next time she goes to the store.
So the next day, the business man's wife went shopping and flirts first with
the butcher and then the produce man as she usually does. However Artie shows
up at the store and, as per his instructions, strangles the butcher, the
produce man, and last but not least, the businessman's unfaithful wife.
Well, the assasin quickly tries to escape but is caught by the security
guards who haul him off to the police.
It didn't take long for the press to catch hold of the story and
printed the following headline:
FLASH!! ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR IN LOCAL SUPERMARKET!!!!!
english.257dejanr,
A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One
day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely
dejected. The strong man asked him what he was going to do. The
husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going
to find another woman of her caliber."
english.258dejanr,
<Basketball Coach> storms into <University President>'s office, pounds
on desk, says, "Either you raise my salary or I quit!"
<Pres.> says, "Coach, you already make more than the entire
English Department!"
<Coach> says, "Yeah, but you just don't understand what I have to put up
with!" He goes out into the hall, grabs a jock who's jogging by, says,
"Hey! Run over to my office and see if I'm there."
Jock takes off, returns 20 minutes later, very sweaty. "You're not
there, Coach!"
"Oh; I see what you mean," says <Pres>. "I would have phoned."
english.259dejanr,
Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode into a
saloon. He sidled up to the bar, ordered shot and a beer, and settled back
to enjoy his refreshment. Suddenly, a man galloped into the bar, shouting,
"Run for your lives! Big Mike's comin'!
The drifter watched as most of the locals bolted for the door. Suddenly,
the bar doors burst open. An enormous man, standing eight feet tall and
weighing at least 400 pounds, rode in on a bull. Grabbing the drifter by
the ankle, he tossed him over the bar and thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
The terrified fellow handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man guzzled
in a single gulp and then shattered on the bar. The drifter stood aghast as
the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched the broken glass and
smacked his lips with relish.
"Can I, ah, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
"Naw, I gotta git," the man grunted. "Big Mike's comin'."
english.260dejanr,
What do you call a cow that has undergone an abortion?
Decaffeinated. (decalfinated)
What do you call a Czechoslovakian abortion?
A canceled Czech.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft"
A-flat miner.
Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
What do you get when you drop a piano on a battlefield?
A-flat Major.
What's a wok?
Something you thwow at a wabbit!
How do you catch a unique animal?
Unique up on him!
Q:What do you call a basement full of JAP's?
A:A whine cellar.
How do you catch a domesticated animal?
Tame way!
Q: how do you sink an <ethnic> submarine?
A: dive down and knock on the door.
What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot, cross bunnies.
What is a 7 course Irish dinner?
A six-pack and a potatoe.
Why did the hospital poker game come to an abrupt end?
The leper threw in his hand.
Why did the leper hockey game end?
There was a face-off in the corner.
english.261dejanr,
Why do women have legs?
So after you fuck'em they can leave.
HA! HA! HA!
-pig guy
english.262dejanr,
(For physicists everywhere:)
Q: What is Iraq's biggest export in the 90s expected to be?
A: Glass.
english.263dejanr,
The ice delivery man noticed that one of his customers was far from
cold. He accepted her advances and hopped into bed with her.
Afterward, he told her, "Okay, I'll cancel your $5 tab."
"No, way. You'll take it out like you brought it in-- 25 cents a piece!"
english.264dejanr,
A couple who went up with some friends to go skiing were in their room
for three days straight fooling around. By that time, they were to
embarrassed to come out. The guy said, "I have an idea. Tomorrow when
everyone gets back from skiing at the end of the day we'll put on our ski
stuff, climb out of the window and come in the front door like we just got
back fromt he mountain, too." The woman agreed, so the next day that's what
they did. One of the returning skiiers commented, "Boy, the conditions are
great-- all powder, no ice.... Skiing's the best, eh!"
The guy concurred, "Ya, anyone who doesn't like to screw has got a ski loose
english.265dejanr,
Whats a bloody sorority girl anyway? And where can I get one?
A sorority, as used in these jokes, is a social group for
women at a college/university. Each sorority adopts a name
usually composed of two or three letters from the Greek
alphabet (like Iota Mu Beta, for example). A sorority has
secret rituals and teachings, and membership is said to be
open to all, but sororities select their own members and can
ostracise people they consider to be undesirable as members.
A sorority girl is a member of a sorority. As you can tell
from the jokes posted, some people have a negative opinion
of sorority girls. Some people consider them to be stupid
air-headed rich snotty promiscuous social-climbers. The jokes
posted here seem to emphasize the promiscuity sometimes
associated with sorority girls.
Having met many sorority girls, I can honestly say that, like
any other group of people, there are good ones and bad ones.
Not all sorority girls are promiscuous money-grubbing trendy
air-heads. Some are friendly, intelligent, fun people. Like
any social group, you are bound to encounter a few bad apples.
Which brings me to sorority girl jokes. These jokes pick one
of the stereotypical traits often associated with sorority
girls, usually their alleged promiscuity. Take for example
the following:
Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl
and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.
This joke, mysoginstic as it is, illustrates a point: that
sorority girls are considered whores who should be used and
dumped. Like some ethnic humor in which men brag about their
virility, sorority girls' sexual habits are exagerrated in
these jokes. Take the following:
Q: What's the mating call of a sorority girl?
A: "God, I'm so wasted!"
Again, the joke shows that college men should get sorority
girls drunk in order to extract sexual favors from them.
Do these jokes hurt these women? Some say yes, college men
come to believe that they can use and abuse women because
of this kind of humor. Recently, comics like Andrew Dice Clay
have been accused of legitimizing rape and violence toward
women. Others say it is just humor to be taken with a grain
of salt. Each of us needs to decide where we stand on issues
when we laugh at or tell a joke of any kind. Who is this
joke hurting? Is it perpetuating a stereotype? How would I
fell if the joke were directed against my own social/racial
group?
Just some random thoughts on the subject of humor that some
think hurts our society.
Now, somebody post some more sorority girl jokes!
english.266dejanr,
A mother and her daughter were on a TWA flight, when the little
girl turned to here mother and asked, "Why do big people have little
people, big animals have little animals, but big TWA planes don't have
little TWA planes?" Her mother said, "That's a good question. You
should ask the stewardess that." So, the little girl asks the
stewardess, "Why do big people have little people, big animals have
little animals, but big TWA planes don't have little TWA planes?"
The stewardess said, "That's an excellent question. You should ask
the pilot." The little girl then asks the pilot, "Why do big people
have little people, big animals have little animals, but big TWA planes
don't have little TWA planes?" "That's a good question," the captain
replies, "it's because TWA always pulls out on time."
Mike Arras
arras@icase.edu
english.267dejanr,
A lady is skiing when she needs to pee really badly. Not having the
convenience of being able to just unzip her fly like a guy, she holds it in,
but unable to make it to the lodge, she decides to just step off the trail
behind a tree, lower her bib and do her business. But as she does so, her
skis ends up slipping and she goes bombing across the mountain bare-ass,
crashes and has to be taken to the emergency room with a broken leg.
While there, she gets to talking to the man next to her, who happens to
also have a broken leg. She asks him how it happened. "Well," he says,
"I was skiing down the mountain when all of a sudden this woman flew across
butt naked, and I got so excited that I went out of control and hit a tree!"
MORE LATER. WORK CALLS.
english.268dejanr,
A man goes to the doctor for an exam to see if he's eligible for benefits.
The doctor tells him to remove his shirt. "Why?" asks the man. "In order
to determine whether you're eligible for benefits I have to count the
number of white hairs on your chest."
So the man takes off his shirt, ends up being eligible for the benefits,
returns home, and tells his wife the news. "You should have taken down
your pants-- then you would have gotten Disability!"
english.269dejanr,
>From: geetha@pan.ecn.purdue.edu (Geetha K Navada)
>
> > PAISLEY@auvm.auvm.edu writes:
> > .....................
> >could someone please post or send me a copy of the infamous Green Golfball
> >Joke? Thanx....
>
>I would appreciate a copy too;either way-posting/email
>Thanks
>-geetha.
Does this ever stop ???
A couple of days ago a announced that I had the original GGBJ,
since then I've distributed it throughout the entire world; if
you want the bl**dy thing, don't ask for it on the net, wait
until someone announces he/she has got a copy !!!
I'm sick of the #$%&*#$%#$%%# thing.
And for God's sake, don't even THINK of requesting a copy of me.
I have first rot13-ed it and then translated it to Latin, as it is
right now it seems quite harmless.
But I will NOT do the translations backwards, get that mind out
of your head.
And
!!!!! STOP ASKING FOR THE F*****G B****Y JOKE ON THE NET !!!!!
Sead Omerov Email:dgkf-028@nada.kth.se (until March 15th 1991)
Yes, I know the Email-address is stupid, that's why it expires 15/3
english.270dejanr,
PROVINCE OF <your province>
---------------------------
DEPARTMENT OF ENVIRONMENTAL
---------------------------
PROTECTION
----------
<capital city>, <province>
IMPORTANT NOTICE
----------------
"PROVINCIAL TAX DEPARTMENT"
NOTICE OF INCREASE IN TAX PAYMENTS
----------------------------------
EFFECTIVE JANUARY 1, 1990
TO ALL MALE TAXPAYERS,
The only thing that the Province of <your province> has not yet taxed is your
"DICKIE", mainly because 95% of the time your "DICKIE" is out of work, 3%
of the time it just hangs around and 2% of the timem it is in the hole.
Moreover, it has two dependants, who are both nuts.
In spite of this, beginning January 1, 1990, your "DICKIE" will be taxed
according to its size, because our legislators have determined that
you'll just have to get it up, or else.
Use the Dickie Chart listed below to determine your category and insert
the appropriate information on page 2, section F, line 3 of your next
Provincial Property Tax form.
Sincerely yours,
<your premier>
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(tear along dotted line)
Dickie Chart
------------
10-12 inches*........Luxury Tax 6-8 inches..........Privilege Tax
6-10 inches..........Pole Tax 4-6 inches**........Nuisance Tax
* All males excedding 12 inches must file under "CAPITOL GAINS"
** Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a "REFUND"
NOTE: Under no circumstances is the Provice to furnish extensions.........
english.271dejanr,
This office wishes to bring to the attention of all personnel that
some individuals have been using abusive language in the exchange of
normal verbal communication with relation to the performance of
routine activities.
This code is provided to permit individual freedom and originality of
our fellow members to alleviate frustration and provide a cleaner,
precise and effective means of communication to one another and not
offend outside relationships and other individuals with sensitive ears
that may be within hearing distance.
To preclude mistaking the communication code with department numbers
and telephone extensions, management has assigned 600-700-800-900
series numbers to be utilized or your convenience and clarity.
600 SERIES - ASS 800 SERIES - F**K
---------------- -----------------
601 - Stick it up your ass 801 - F**k off
602 - Your ass sucks wind 802 - F**k it
603 - Go pound sand up your ass 803 - What the F**k?
604 - Up your ass 804 - I just got f**ked
605 - Kiss my ass 805 - Big F**king Deal
606 - You play ball with us or 806 - F**k it, just f**k it
we'll stick the bat up 807 - I don't give a f**k
your ass 808 - Far f**king out
809 - F**k the phones
700 SERIES - SHIT 810 - Get the f**k off my back
----------------- 811 - It's so f**king bad, I don't
believe it
701 - You've got to be shitting me 812 - I hate this f**king place
702 - I'll beat the shit out of you 813 - F**k you very much
703 - I don't give a shit 814 - Lovely, simply f**king lovely
704 - Oh shit 815 - Bang it in your f**king...
705 - Hot shit 816 - Merry f**king Christmas
706 - Tell someone who gives a shit 817 - Don't get f**king wise
707 - Pardon me sir, you obviously 818 - I didn't design the f**king
mistook me for someone who thing
gives a shit 819 - The f**king thing won't...
820 - Who called this f**king
meeting
821 - Holy F**k, Labour Hurts
900 SERIES - GENERAL
--------------------
901 - Smile if you want it 907 - Meet you at the motel
902 - As long as I don't stand up 908 - Let's take off sick together
I'm fine 909 - Lay down, I think I love you
903 - I'm free this weekend 910 - You make my putter stand on
904 - Help me dump this mother end
905 - Let's ball at lunch 911 - Is that a gun in your pocket
906 - I'm free tonight or are you just glad to see
me?
english.272dejanr,
a bit of humor, hit 'n' if you can't take a joke....
What he said happened:
144 Coalition planes shot down
What really happened:
10 Coalition planes shot down
What he said happened:
Military, industrial and scientific targets attacked in Tel Aviv.
What really happened:
Breakfast nook destroyed, owner out of town.
What he said happened:
Coalition bombing caused minor damage to residential areas of Bagdhad.
What really happened:
Iraqi military infrastructure destroyed.
What he said happened:
Saudi Arabia bathed in blood of traitors.
What really happened:
Trash dumpster damaged, porch light went out (might be unrelated).
What he said happened:
Tel Aviv has become a crematorium.
What really happened:
See "Military, industrial and scientific attacked in Tel Aviv" above...
What he said happened:
Scud missile salvos laid waste to Daharan and Riyadh.
What really happened:
Patriot manafacturer Raytheon's stock goes up 4 5/8ths in one day.
What he said happened:
Frog missiles scored devastating attack on Coalition forces.
What really happened:
Hole made in sand dune.
What he said is happening:
Arabs worldwide are joining Iraq in Holy War
What is really happening:
Arabs worldwide are watching "Holy War" on CNN
--
-- uunet!sugar!karl
-- Usenet access: (713) 438-5018
english.273dejanr,
* * * * TECHNOLOGY UPDATE * * * *
MOTOROLA EDGED OUT IN FABRICATION TECHNOLOGY
____________________________________________
FOR VLSI (VERY LARGE-SCALE INTEGRATION) CIRCUITS
________________________________________________
Austin, TX - Recognition for the greatest expertise in
the fabrication of physically large integrated circuits is generally
accorded to Motorola's Austin-based Solid State Devices group.
Although some low volume and special application integrated circuits
by other manufacturers exhibit larger physical dimensions, Motorola
handily beats all others in the field of "mass produced" chips,
having several standard items which are fabricated on a single,
continuous, silicon crystal base of 420 mils by 420 mils.
Industry talk is that this distinction will be lost within
the next few weeks as the 327th Strategic Bomb Wing of the U.S. Air
Force releases plans to produce a single, continuous silicon crystal
measuring 2,200 kilometers by 2,200 kilometers. Refusing to reveal
specifics of the project, Air Force press officer, Major Robert
Dugan, did acknowledge that the crystal would probably be produced
using "existing technology" and that it would be produced at the
Air Force's Middle-East Test Facility (METF).
Motorola spokesmen were unavailable for comment.
- 30 -
Contributed by G. Clark
...!gatech!dscatl!opto!glen
english.274dejanr,
Q: How is Saudi Arabia different from Vietnam?
A: Dan Quayle went to Saudi Arabia.
(Yes, I know this is outdated. Sorry.)
english.275dejanr,
Patricia Ireland, NOW's national vice president, has identified
the cause of the Gulf War. Ms Ireland:
``The Congress that authorized use of force is 95 percent male, 95
percent white and has no acknowledged lesbians. It is hardly a
representative body.''
[quote from UPI wire story]
--
-- Tom White
tew2@Ra.MsState.Edu
english.276dejanr,
Hey.
What's blue and comes in brownies?
Cub Scouts!
Mark
NOTE: If you were offended by this joke,
GOOD!
english.277dejanr,
1) The B52 pilots >really< want to make bombing runs on beautiful
downtown Baghdad, but we've promised not to target ordnance on
civilians.
2) The allies want to bring Iraq's economy to its knees.
3) The parachute manufacturers are going broke: far fewer than the
expected number of allied pilots are using parachutes.
4) The US has an unemployment problem in the legal profession.
5) The US is having to go hat in hand to beg money for the war
effort from its allies.
So...
I suggest we pack up our surplus lawyers in B52's, instead of
bombs, generously let them take all their law books and money with
them, fly them over Baghdad and drop them on Saddam's economy like
a ton of grit-in-the-gears bricks.
As a humanitarian gesture, we should let them bid for parachutes
before dropping them.
To keep the bidding spirited, we should arrange that there be one
fewer parachutes than lawyers per bombing run.
All proceeds to go to fund the war effort.
The effect of all the surviving lawyers on Iraq's economy should
be every bit as crippling as it has previously been on the US
economy.
Kent, the man from xanth.
<xanthian@Zorch.SF-Bay.ORG> <xanthian@well.sf.ca.us>
--
Sends lawyers and guns, but keep the money.
english.278dejanr,
Is there any truth to the rumor that Saddam Hussein has agreed to pull
out of Kuwait as soon as George Bush pronounces his name right?
***
President Bush has pledged the "darndest search and destroy mission
that's ever been undertaken" against Iraq's remaining SCUD missiles.
Hoo Boy. Saddam Hussein has got to be quivering in his shoes now.
***
Dennis Miller reports on Saturday Night Live that Parker Brothers
has announced that "SCUD" is now an officially recognized
"Scrabble" word.
***
Michael Meyers ("Wayne" on "Wayne's World") reports that he thought
a "scud" was a girl who looks great from far away but when
you get closer you say, "Eeeeww..what a scud!"
He also reports that the best name of a media correspondent for
the Persian Gulf war is Brit Hume of ABC News (as in "The name's Hume...Brit
Hume"). Worst: Wolf Blitzer (sounds like he made it up just
for the war).
***
What's the difference between Iraqi women and Spuds McKenzie?
Spuds has better breath and knows how to drive.
-- Julia
english.279dejanr,
Wasn't it Joan of Arc who said, "Is it just me or is it hot
in here?"
Wasn't it Caesar Augustus who said "Silly me...here it is the middle
of January and I'm still writing 'B.C.' on my checks."
Wasn't it Dan Quayle who said, "What was the question?"
Wasn't it Saddam Hussein who said, "What's the number for 911?"
Wasn't it Roseanne Barr who said, "It ain't over 'til I sing"?
Wasn't it the captain of the Exxon Valdez who said "Damn! Who
brought the corkscrew?"
Wasn't it John Holmes who said, "He who lives by the sword dies by
the sword"?
Wasn't it Saddam Hussein who said, "I am confident that my superior
air force will wipe the infidels out of the sky"?
Wasn't it Dolly Parton's newborn child who said, "all this...for me?"
-- Julia
english.280dejanr,
A recent post suggested that we offer a substantial reward
for Saddam Husein's head. Okay... now imagine we require, that in order to
receive the reward, the applicant must present Saddam's head in a sack.
Now imagine offering a LARGE enough reward to tempt one of
Saddam's own children to...
BAG DAD!
:-):-);-)
--Greg K.
english.281dejanr,
Getting back to the argument about the startrek song, here's the details
from the other side of the big blue sea (ie England), where it was
originally recorded and released.
It is called - startrekkin' - and was recorded by a little known
group called 'The Firm'. It was released in England in the early part
of 1988, I'm sorry , but I don't know the label off hand, though I do
have the single at home. I'll get the lyrics shortly, and if anybody
wants a copy, Email me, and I'll get back to you shortly.
OBJ : What's red and sits in the corner?
A naughty bus! (Yes, we have red buses in England!).
Dave.
english.282dejanr,
[Warning: If you are easily offended or faint at heart ...
... to put it straight, a person with no sense of humor,
do not read on ... repeat, do not read on. Push n for
next article. You have been warned. ]
TOPTEN USES FOR THE REMAINS OF BAGHDAD
10. United States garbage dumping ground.
9. A new place for the Ethiopians to live.
8. Film shooting site for Ghandi 2.
7. A reason to make the survivors of Hiroshima
and Nagasaki feel better.
6. A great place for a new Disneyland.
5. Archaeological excavation to look for dinosaur
bones and/or ancient Indian burial grounds.
4. Saddam Hussain drinks out of the toilet.
3. A reason not to use drugs.
2. Funny material for Kuwaiti comedians.
AND THE NUMBER ONE USE FOR THE REMAINS OF BAGHDAD:
1. A museum showcasing the reamains of exploded
missiles and body parts.
english.283dejanr,
You can thank my children for these...
IRAQI J0KES
-----------
Q: How do you get 15 Iraqis into a matchbox?
A: Tell them it's gasproof.
Did you know the Iraqis think technology is to clip a privet bush into a
pretty shape?
Q: What's the connection between Hiroshima, Nagaski and Baghdad?
A: There isn't one... yet.
Q: Why did the Iraqi cross the road?
A1: Because he was chicken.
A2: The chicken had been blown up.
A3: Etc.
Diner: "Waiter, waiter, there's an Iraqi in my soup!"
Waiter: "Yes, Sir. All the Iraqis are in the soup."
Q: How many Iraqis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 302; One to change the bulb, one to work out where the light bulb
shop used to be, and 300 to build a power station.
Q: How can you tell if there's an Iraqi in your fridge?
A: There are two Americans in there trying to shoot him.
Q: How did the Iraqis blow up the chip shop?
A: With a spud missile.
Q: How did the Iraqis blow up the launderette?
A1: With a sud missile.
A2: With a nuclear detergent.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm an Iraqi!"
"Well, you'll just have to pull yourself together."
Q: What's the difference between Sadam Hussein and Adolf Hitler?
A: Adolf Hitler might still be alive in a week's time.
english.284dejanr,
NOT A FAKE THIS TIME!!!!!!
HIT THE 'N' IF YOU'RE UNDERAGED
IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, DON'T READ IT, DON'T FLAME ME FOR IT
I DID NOT WRITE THIS
I DO NOT HAVE TO *LIKE* THIS JOKE TO POST IT
This is your last chance, dude.. I'm not kidding..
What's long and hard on a Black man?
Second grade!!!
Sorry...
I'll post more later
english.285dejanr,
Shere Hite and Gloria Steinem, two of the many feminists well-known for
their hilarious wit and ability to savor a joke, deserve a mention
here. Gloria Steinem recently wrote a book on Marilyn Monroe from the
feminist viewpoint, along the lines of "the Marilyn nobody knew." When
the book was published, it was widely advertised as containing "16
pages of rare and intimate color photos." Rare and intimate photos,
eh? The pictures were so "rare and intimate, that some breathless ape
had actually torn them right out of the copy in my town library!
Just the thing to advance the cause of feminism. If that doesn't
display a sense of the ridiculous, I don't know what does.
But Shere Hite deserves the grand prize of "Mistress of Mirth." She has
invented multiple false identities for herself. Calling herself
"Diana Gregory" she placed haranguing calls to reporters about the
much-criticized methodology of her book "Women and Love."
Under the name "Joan Brookbank" Shere has returned calls to journalists
and acted as a supposedly independent voice in her office.
When I was looking for a book publisher recently ace prankster Alan
Abel "kindly" gave me the name and address of "Joan Brookbank," as being
a literary agent who specialized in humor and practical jokes. With
eager anticipation I duly mailed the manuscript to Shere. After
several months of follow-up letters, I finally read of Ms Hite's
identity crisis in the newspaper, and realized that I never was going
to get a reply from this Harpo Marx of the women's movement. I didn't
even get the manuscript back. I think I'll go round to her house and
leave the toilet seat up, that'll fix her.
english.286dejanr,
what is the similarity between tight panties and saddam hussein?
- they both rub bush the wrong way!
english.287dejanr,
I drink Busch! (hey its cheap!!)
I voted for Bush! (mom made me do it!!)
I eat bush! (disgusting but funny!!)
english.288dejanr,
Sorry about the rot 13!
IN PLAIN ENGLISH
did you hear that Poland sent 50,000 of its troops to the gulf?
Mexico doesn't know what to do with them.
english.289dejanr,
This is a joke heard at a Bull Thrower's Contest sponsored by
Toastmaster's International. Since I heard this through a third
party, I am unfortunately unable to give credit to the original
author.
A salesman is trying to sell his wares all over the city, and it has
been a very long day. For the last appointment, he arrives ten minutes
late. The secretary is very upset by this tardiness, but is convinced to
inform her boss of the salesman's arrival. After consulting with her boss,
she returns and says the salesman may enter. But she also says, "Make sure you
don't say anything about his ears, he is very, very sensitive about his ears".
Though a strange request, the salesman figures he can cope. So he
enters his prospective client's office. At first he notices that this man is
monstrous, muscles bulging from places he didn't even know had muscles.
This man would make the Raider defensive line flinch. He's huge. Then the
salesman notices that this man is bald, completely, no hair at all. And
without being able to help it, he notices that the man has no ears, just two
holes where normal fleshy extensions of the ears typically exist.
The prospective client, noticing where the salesman is looking,
quickly takes offense and says,"What the hell do you think your looking at??"
The salesman, not wanting to offend and become flattened, hesitates
for only a second and then says,"Your eyes, I'm looking at your eyes. I always
look at a client's eyes when I'm making a presentation."
The client, temporarily appeased, asks the salesman," How can I be
sure that you were looking at my eyes?" Again thinking fast on his feet and
noticing the deep blue eyes of the client, the salesman says,"Well, because
you're wearing contacts."
Now the client is impressed. But he's curious, and says," How did
you know that I was wearing contacts from all the way across the room?"
The salesman, growing weary and just wanting to go home says,"
Because you don't have any ears to hang glasses on."
english.290dejanr,
DS: We want to be free Irish
Trans: We don't give a shit about Kuwait, or the plight of any other
country...just ours.
DS: I don't like the brits anymore than you
Trans: I don't like the brits anymore than you, but I just started
a huge F*****G flame war.....AAAAAAAaaaaaaarrrrrrgggg!
Nuke all goats behind doors!!!
english.291dejanr,
What's all this ruckus I hear about not wanting to stop the bombing
to "Pause for Piece"?
Oh....Never mind!
english.292dejanr,
In article <1038@glenlivet.hci.hw.ac.uk> smc@hci.hw.ac.uk (Steve McGowan)
writes:
> Seen on a men's toilet wall.....
>
> "Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinals - it makes
> them difficult to light."
Another one from the restroom:
We aim to please.
You aim too, please.
and
In case of nuclear attack, dive in here.
Nobody's hit it yet.
english.293dejanr,
Q) What's black, square and hairy?
A) A Pubic Cube.
Q) Why was Spock found with his he ad in the toilet bowl?
A) He was looking at the Captain's log.
english.294dejanr,
Heard this one today.
The Bagdad weather report for the next few days
Temperature - 15,000 degrees
Wind - variable, gusting to 2,500 mph
Just think. That would leave one big glass parking lot!
english.295dejanr,
I wasn't sure which groups would find this appropriate; I thought it
was very funny, it relates to the current situation in the gulf, etc.
I set the followup line to talk.politics.misc and ask that you
redirect it if appropriate.
Last night I was flipping through the channels covering the start of
the attack and happened to catch CBS's interview with General Michael
Dugan. General Dugan, you may recall, was the air force general who
was fired a couple weeks ago for being a little too candid in his
descriptions of the primary targets should the US ever enter a war with
Iraq.
Apparently, as soon as Dugan was fired, CBS jumped at the chance to
hire him as a consultant. They figured he'd have the most recent
information on strategy etc.
Dan Rather asked the questions after introducing him as the general
recently fired for his candor and asked for detailed comments.
The general stood looking nervously, eyes shifting and made some
general statement. Rather asked about 4 questions, prefacing each with
the request for specific information. Each time the general answered
either evasively or with generalities (is that why they call them
generals?). Finally, CBS gave up on him; I don't think they ever went
back to him all evening.
One example was a question about whether the US would be most likely to
start the attack with Tomahawk cruise missiles or with Jets. Dugan
answered "Yes, they'd be likely to mount an attack with cruise missiles
and jets."
Before the camera cut to the general, I imagined a man with a sock
stuffed in his mouth. Once he started answering so evasively, the
metaphorical sock became apparent. With each question, I laughed
harder and harder.
At least he learned his lesson about candor. I wonder how much CBS
spent to hire him....
english.296dejanr,
Things that would make you worry...now:
1.) George Bush seen running around the white house wearing army camoflague
gear.
2.) US Pilots returning from sorties at night....from the wrong direction.
3.) CNN reporters in Baghdad complaining of strange green blisters on their
arms.
4.) Seeing Iraqi tanks in the background of a US Pool Video service man
interview.
5.) Stealth fighters, unable to detect each other, colliding...
english.297dejanr,
>From 'The Guardian' 17/1/91:
Under a notice in a Leicester hospital asking "are you suffering
from a sexually transmitted disease?", someone has scribbled
"Yes. Children".
english.298dejanr,
>>>>44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the
>>>> stick.
>>>
>>> I prefer...
>>>
>>> It's not the size of the wand, but the way the magician waves it that
>>> brings the rabbit out of the hat!
>>>
>> better yet...
>> It's not the length it's not the size it's how many times you can make
>> it rise.
>
> And more variations on the same theme:
>
> It's not the size of the wave that counts, but the motion of the
ocean.
Do y'all hear that a lot?
Your girlfriends actually have you BELIEVING this garbage?
One more variation on the same theme...(told to me by my girlfriend...
and my ex...and my ex ex...)
OH MY GOD!!
IT REALLY IS THE SIZE!
~~
:-)
Mark
english.299dejanr,
What do Marion Barry and Marilyn Quayle have in common?
They both blow a little dope...
english.300dejanr,
One evening, <insert your favorite character or ethnic group> is
sitting in a bar. Another guy comes in and excitedly announces,
"There's a woman in the parking lot who's taking-on all comers!"
He goes outside and finds a line about 30 guys long, leading to a car.
He goes back inside, gets another drink, and joins the line.
Finally, it's his turn! As he's banging away, a cop car comes along;
the cops turn on their spotlight.
"Hey! What do you think you're doing?"
"I'm screwing my wife."
"Why don't you do that at home?"
"I didn't know it was my wife until you turned the light on!"