english.101dejanr,
An elementary teacher was trying to get her class started.
She asked everyone, "Who can make a sentence using the word
before?" Well, most of the class raised their hands. The
teacher said, "Okay, good. Let's hear some of these sentences."
"What is your sentence, Carol."
Carol answered, "I brush my hair before I go to sleep."
The teacher said, "Very good Carol, very good." "Now, how
about you David."
David answers, "I do my homework before I go outside to play
after school."
The teacher says, "That's excellent David and good advice to
others in the class." "Now how about just one more. How about
you LeRoy."
LeRoy thinks about for a second and then answers with
confidence, "Two and two befo."
Please send replies.
==========================
Two elephants were taking a shower. The one on the RIGHT
asked the one on the LEFT to please pass the soap. And
the elephant on the LEFT responded,
"No soap, radio."
Two polar bears were sitting on an iceberg, when one
fell off. So the other one went to buy pretzels.
Two elephants were riding down the road in an MG
when the elephant who was driving asked his companion
to reach into the glove compartment and get him a cigar.
The other elephant rooted around in the glove box
and answered,
"Pretzels, but sorry, no cigar."
english.102dejanr,
This joke has had me laughing for years. Now if I only knew why:
These two porcupines are taking a bath. One says to the other:
"Pass the soap."
The other replies:
"What do I look like, a typewriter?"
OK, OK, it's not funny now. BUT, do what I did:
1). Tell the joke incessantly for a week.
2). Stop telling it for a week.
3). Wait until you are around your friends (that is, the ones who
will still come within earshot after step 1).), say
about 2 or 3 a.m. Tell the joke. Dodge projectiles.
99 This will lead to one of two things:
A). Your friends will consider you a comedic genius, having just
expended a fortenight on a joke of no meaning. Lauds
will be heaped upon you. Relish in your glory.
B). None of your friends (even those who survived the onslaught
of step 1).) will ever come near you, freeing yourself
to ponder the joke, trying in vain to find some meaning
in it. Develop a twitch. Put in some quality time at
one of our numerous facilities reseved for troubled family
members. Emerge as one with the universe. Use phrases
like "I'm FINE now. I'm MUCH better now." Then tell the
joke again. Goto 99.
People have wasted their lives on less important dreck. Don't be
such an old stick in the mud. If nothing else, you can establish
a pattern of behavior that would allow you to assassinate the political
figure of your choice. Remember, Quayle could be president some day.
-- bemo
english.103dejanr,
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you that day.
==========================
Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came
across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally
getting really mean. The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it
turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and
ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.
A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told
his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of
the bear, in order to destroy it. Soon, they came across two bears, one male,
and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell
me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready
to shoot.
"I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar."
"QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger.
"O.k.," said the other, "it was the male."
The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off.
Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found
the body of the other man.
"But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate
my friend?" the other man asked.
"Well," said the ranger, "I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in
the male."
english.104dejanr,
One day, a young priest in St. John's, Newfoundland, finds himself in the
situation of having to hear confessions. He has never done this before,
and so he is given a list of what to give out as penance. A woman comes
into the confessional and begins: "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
The priest replies: "What is your sin, my child?" "I have told lies", she
says. The priest consults his list and sees that the required penance is
two Hail Mary's. "Anything else, my child?", he says. "Father, I've committed
fellatio," she replies. The priest scans the list and panics because he
cannot find fellatio! He sticks his head out of the door of the confessional
and sees an alter boy passing by. "Quick, what does Father Brown give for
fellatio?" he asks. The boy replies: "Ten dollar."
==========================
Q: Why was Jesus NOT born in Poland?
A: God couldn't find 3 wise men!
==========================
Paddy O'Shea got friendly with some of the local Boston Irish, and they
took him to an upscale "Irish" pub.
"Amazin', just amazin', that's what America is," he said, looking with
delight into his glass. "Never have I been seein' an ice cube with a
hole in it!"
"Oi sure have," said his host, Michael Sullivan. "Bin married to one fer
fifteen year."
==========================
Sean O'Malley, a plumber by profession, was called by a lady with an
Emergency in Her Bathroom. Arriving at the scene, he turned off the
water with a sigh, and replaced the faucet washer, ending the Emergency.
The lady was nice-looking, and lonely to boot, so before long Sean was
helping her to heat up the bedroom.
About four-thirty, the telephone rang, and after she hung up, the lady
told Sean: "That was my husband. He'll be home in about half an hour,
but he'll be leaving on a business trip to Chicago this evening at
seven. Why don't you come back at about seven-thirty, and we'll continue
where we left off?"
"Saints!" exclaimed Sean, aghast. "On me own time?"
==========================
Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
what's wrong."
english.105dejanr,
Man A: So how was your honeymoon?
Man B: Very good until the morning after waking up, I forgot and said
to my wife "You are wonderful, here is $100".
Man A: It is not that bad, she might not know that you thought her as
a hooker.
Man B: I know, but my wife then gave me back $50 and said "Here is your
change".
------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: (Seriously ill) Before I die, I want to tell you the truth.
You know our 6 children ... the youngest son, he ...
Husband: I know you want to say he is not my son, well that is ok,
I can forgive you about that.
Wife: No, he is your son, but the other 5 children are not.
------------------------------------------------------------
"Ahhhh, Sean," said Micheal McStain, "how'd ye be comin' by that
glorious black eye, me lad?"
Sean O'Malley shook his head and replied, "'Tis the damndest thing. I
was over at Molly's house, dancin' with the lovely lass, when her father
walked in."
"An' old Master Callahan is thinkin' that dancin' is an evil thing,
cured by a black eye, is that it?"
"Na, na, Micheal. The old man's deaf, an' couldn't hear th' music."
------------------------------------------------------------
"Hello, Pan American Airlines?" said Big Mick Lonegan. "Could ye be
tellin' me how long it takes to fly from Boston to Dublin?"
The voice on the telephone said "I'll see sir, just a minute."
"Ahh, 'tis fast. Thank ye," Mick said as he hung up.
english.106dejanr,
"I saw a horrible accident on the way to the club tonight...Two taxicabs
collided and 30 scotsmen were killed..."
==========================
The folks at Apple's in-house corporate television production department
were quite pleased with themselves today. Someone needed some random
videotape footage for editing practice, so one of the engineers started
taping the feed from the space shuttle. He got lucky, catching a shuttle
occupant with a Mac Portable on his lap, and when he ejected a diskette it
emerged from the machine and drifted straight across the room (ah, the
wonders of weightlessness).
The TV folks were showing this footage to anyone who blundered into their
territory. Even John Sculley got a peek.
Frankly, I didn't know the shuttle had enough oomph to lift a
Mac Portable into orbit.
==============================================================================
Don Cameron ! From the Heart of Silicon Valley,
hplabs!hpda!dcc or dcc@hpda.hp.com ! one of the Earth's Foremost
Hewlett-Packard California Language Lab ! Consumers of Pocket Protectors
==============================================================================
Standard disclaimers apply. In addition, my company has no opinion on the
weight of a Mac Portable, or whether Arnold Schwarzenegger uses one to work
out when barbells aren't available.
english.107dejanr,
Q: Why did the couple stop after three children?
A: Because they read that every fourth child born is Chinese.
Q: What's a definition of an orgy?
A: A party where everyone comes.
==========================
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke amongst themselves, saying:
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said:
"It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying:
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying:
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another:
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him:
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the
company, with powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
This is how Shit happens.
english.108dejanr,
Eating a steak dinner in a nice restaurant near Sydney.
The waiter approaches.
Waitor: "How's your meat?"
Me: : "Just fine."
Waitor: "And how about the steak?"
==========================
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a
tragic car accident ended their lives.
When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for
them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in
life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and
agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them.
They were married in a simple ceremony.
So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in
this time, that eternity was best not spent together.
They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy
forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences.
Is there any way we can get divorced?"
"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get
a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"
english.109dejanr,
Q: What's black, has two legs, and flies?
A: A bird.
Q: What's black, has four legs and flies?
A: Two pairs of trousers.
Q: What's black, has four wheels and flies?
A: A dustcart.
==========================
A cucumber and a tomato meet in a saladbar.
Cucumber: Gee, how come you look so red?
Tomato: I saw the salad dressing.
==========================
A guy walks into a bar and sits down on the barstool.
"Hey, barthendther, gifth me a beeer."
The bartender walks over with a tall cool one,
"Here'sth your beeer."
The other guy sits up straight,
"Heey, you're imithating mee."
"No, I talk thith way too."
"Okay, I guesth itth okay."
Later a big burly guy walks in and sits down at the other end of the bar.
"Yo, ba-tender. Gimme a beer."
The bartender responds,
"One beer comin' up, man."
The little guy gets ticked off and yells,
"Heey, you were imithathing mee!!"
The bartender comes over close and replies,
"No, I wasth imithathing the other guy."
==========================
Q: Why is it good to have Alzheimer's Disease?
A: You can hide your own Easter Eggs!
==========================
A piece of bacon and a sausage are in a frying pan being cooked. The
sausage says ``It's hot in here, isn't it!'', and the bacon replies
``Wow! A talking sausage!''.
english.110dejanr,
A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS
1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
valuable scientific objectivity.
2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to
uphold.
4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight
into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any
mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
explained in terms that you would understand.
6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your
means.
9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT
IN THE COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
english.111dejanr,
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he
slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
==========================
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea
pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes
another one!"
==========================
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a
train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that,
in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever
tasted it?
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion,
too...I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...."
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed
once or twice."
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he
was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
english.112dejanr,
Medical Terminology for the Layman
------------------------------------
Artery -- The study of fine paintings
Barium -- What you do when CPR fails
Cesarean Section -- A district in Rome
Colic -- A sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
Dilate -- To live longer
Fester -- Quicker
G. I. Series -- Baseball games between teams of soldiers
Grippe -- A suitcase
Hangnail -- A coat hook
Medical Staff -- A doctor's cane
Minor Operation -- Coal digging
Morbid -- A higher offer
Nitrate -- Lower than the day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Organic -- Musical
Outpatient -- A person who has fainted
Post-operative -- A letter carrier
Protein -- In favor of young people
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Serology -- Study of English knighthood
Tablet -- A small table
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose veins -- veins that are close together
==========================
Sang froid is when you find your SO in bed with someone else, and
you shoot them both in cold blood.
Savoir faire is when you find your SO in bed with someone else, but
you laugh because today is *your* turn with the hamster.
==========================
Q: Why do computers manage to do things so quickly?
Anonymous Secretary: They don't have to answer the phone.
==========================
A guy was lost on the Mall by the Washington Monument. He stopped a
policeman and asked, "What side is the State Dept. on?"
The cop answered: "Ours, I hope."
==========================
Someone had scrawled the following on a wall at a college somewhere:
Is there intelligent life on Earth?
A week or so later someone else tacked on:
Yes, but we're only stopping to refuel.
==========================
The crime problem is so bad in this city, the mayor's had to
designate school-free drug zones.
==========================
Q: Where did Prince Charles spend his honeymoon?
A: Indiana.
==========================
Stupid commercial.
Sears says Kenmore appliances are found in one out of two homes in
America. I wonder which two homes they took the survey at?
==========================
"What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?"
"I don't know, what?"
"Popeye beat the shit out of him!"
==========================
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.
==========================
"My wife just got pregnant... She took seriously what was poked at her in fun!"
==========================
Little old lady at US immigration.
OFFICIAL: Do you advocate the overthrow of the government by violence or
subversion?
(Pause for thought)
LITTLE OLD LADY: Violence, I think.
==========================
Overheard in a Hollywood bar,
Actress 1: "At one time my breasts were insured for $2 million".
Actress 2: "Did you get the money?".
english.113dejanr,
Q: What are the four words you don't want to hear while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home!"
3
Seen on a T-shirt on a recent trip to Cancun, Mexico:
HE'S DEAD JIM
QUICK! YOU GRAB HIS TRICORDER!
I'LL GRAB HIS WALLET!
==========================
I found this blurb in the USAir Gift Catalog ("This catalog is yours to keep.
Please take it with you!") recently. Quoted without permission:
E. GOPHER-IT
Prevent damage to garden and lawns from burrowing rodents
with Gopher-It, the electronic stake that emits vibration
and sound that's intensely annoying to underground rodents
up to 100 feet in diameter.
Requires 4 "D" batteries, not included.
#26284 Gopher-It $49.95 (3.95)
I suppose for rodents of greater than 100 feet in diameter you need the
nuclear powered version.
==========================
Q: How many ears does Mr. Spock have?
A: 3. A Left Ear, a Right Ear, and a Final Front Ear!
==========================
Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A: A dog that rips your leg off then runs for help.
==========================
A brontosaurus is a salamander designed to Military Specifications.
==========================
Many an American tourist around Windsor Castle have been heard asking:
"Why did they build it so close to the airport?"
english.114dejanr,
A man in a Porsche 911 stops at a stoplight and a guy on a scooter pulls up
next to him. The guy on the scooter leans over and takes an admiring look at
the inside of the Porsche and tells the driver that he has a really hot car.
Well, the light turned green so the driver of the Porsche decides to show off
and peels out and leaves the guy on the scooter in the dust. Then, all of a
sudden, he sees the scooter zip on past him. So, being a little cocky, the
Porsche driver floors it again and blows past the guy on the scooter. A few
seconds later, he again sees the scooter zip on past him. So now he's a little
irate as well as a little mifted that that scooter keeps passing him so he
floors it until he is going over 100 mph. He thinks to himself that there
would be no way that scooter could catch him now, but then looks in the
rearview mirror and sees that scooter starting to catch up. He then decides to
find out what that scooter really is and slams on his breaks. Then the scooter
crashes into the Porsche. After the dust settled, the Porsche driver sees the
scooter driver lying in the road and goes over to him and askes how he could
go as fast as the Porsche on a little wimpy scooter...
The dying man replied, "I can't really, but my suspenders were caught on
your side mirror...."
english.115dejanr,
During his visit to the US pope John Paul II had a meeting with a senator.
The senator asked the pope, "Your Holiness, how do you find our
country?"
The pope replied "I love it! It's a wonderful country! Friendly
people, blessed with an abundance of natural resources..." and so on and
so forth.
The senator continued, "Is there anything about our country that you
*don't* like? I am, after all a United States senator, and maybe I could
change some things."
The pope thought a while, and said "Now that you mention it, there are two
things about your country that I do not like".
The senator asked, "What are they? Maybe I can help."
The pope answered, "The first thing I don't like about your country is
the large number of Polish jokes told. They make my countrymen out to
be a bunch of idiots!"
The senator said, "I have a solution for that! When I get back to
Washington, I'll get together with some of my Senate colleagues and
we'll pass a bill, which I'm sure will become law, that will make it a
Federal crime to tell a Polish joke, and anyone caught telling a Polish
joke will be fined fifty dollars. How do you like that?"
The pope replied "Great idea! I love it!"
The senator asked "Now why don't you tell me the second thing
you don't like about the US? Maybe I can do something about it as well."
The pope answered "M & M's."
The senator, a bit confused, asked "M & M's??? What's not to like about
M & M's???"
The Pope replied "They're hard to peel!"
english.116dejanr,
There were two young brothers talking in their backyard waiting for their
mother to make them lunch. One is four the other is three.
4: "I'm getting pretty old now, I think I can start cussing."
3: "Oh yeah?"
4: "Yeah, I think I am going to start saying 'damn' whenever I feel like it."
3: "You know what?"
4: "What?"
3: "I think I am getting pretty old, I'm going to start cussing too."
4: "Oh yeah? what are you going to say?"
3: "I'm going to say 'ass'"
Then their mother calls them in for lunch.
The mother asks the four year old: "What do you want for lunch?"
4: "Oh, damn, I think I'll have some spaghetti-o's"
At this point, the mother was aghast. She quickly took the four year old by
the ear to the bathroom, washed his mouth out with soap, spanked him and put
him in his room and slammed the door.
She returned to the kitchen and asked the three year old: "What do you want
for lunch?"
3: "I don't know mom, but you can bet your ass it wont be spaghetti-o's!!!'
english.117dejanr,
A businessman called home, at noon one day, but the maid answered. When
the man asked to speak to his wife, the maid replied, "She's upstairs in
the bedroom entertaining her boyfriend". After sputtering and fuming for
a minute, the businessman asked, the maid if she would like to make
$100,000 for a few minutes work, she said. "Of course, what do I have to
do?", He answered, "Take my shotgun from the closet and shoot the both of
them.", The phone was put down, he heard footsteps proceeding upstairs,
then two shots rang out, followed by footsteps back downstairs to the
phone. The maid said, "Okay, it's done. What shall I do with the bodies?"
The man said, "Take them out back and throw them into the pool", The maid
responded, "What pool?" After a moment of silence, he said, "Isn't this
555-3724?"
==========================
Q: How do you blind a Chinese person?
A: Put a windshield in front of him.
english.118dejanr,
Cheer Up... Here's Your Horrorscope
AQUARIUS: January 20 - February 18
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You
lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and
impractical, which causes you to make the same mistake over and over again.
People think you are stupid.
PISCES: February 19 - March 20
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
the CIA or FBI. You have a minor influence over your associates and people
resent you for flaunting it at peers. You lack confidence and are generally
a coward. Pisces people do horrible things to small animals.
ARIES: March 21 - April 19
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.
TAURUS: April 20 - May 20
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and
work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are
a communist.
GEMINI: May 21 - June 20
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you
are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little.
This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.
CANCER June 21 - July 22
You are sympathetic and understanding toward other people's problems.
They think you are a sucker. You're always putting things off. That's why
you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancers.
LEO: July 23 - August 22
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most
Leos are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance
is disgusting. Leos are known thieves.
VIRGO: August 23 - September 22
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is
sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall
asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
LIBRA: September 23 - October 22
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality.
Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women make
good prostitutes. All Libra die of veneral disease.
SCORPIO: October 23 - November 21
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You achieve the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpios are
murdered.
Job PCN (queue SYS$BATCH, entry 806) completed
SAGITARIUS: November 22 - December 21
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendancy to
rely on luck, since you lack talent. The majority of Sagitarians are drunks
or dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal.
CAPRICORN: December 23 - January 19
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of
anything and are lazy. There has never been born a Capricorn of any importance.
Capricorns should avoid standing still too long, as they tend to root.
english.119dejanr,
Back in the Good Old Days, when Dudley Fuzz was whooping it up in college,
he was standing at a bar one evening, when a lady of enticing appearance ap-
proached him and suggested that they have a drink. Dudley said, "Well, I'm no
John D. Rockefeller, but I'll buy."
After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance. Dudley smiled and said,
"I'm no Fred Astaire, but I'll give it a whirl."
Later, she suggested that they go up to her room. "I'm no Cary Grant," replied
Dudley, "but I'll follow you up there."
They leave and go to the lady's apartment. They have another drink, then do
what had been on their minds all evening, anyway.
Afterward, the lady says, "What about some money?"
Dudley shot back, "Well, I'm no gigolo, but I'll take it!"
english.120dejanr,
Kentucky Fried Chicken publicity department comes up with a new way to
promote sales. Change the words of the Lord's prayer to read:
"Give us each day our daily CHICKEN..."
They arrange an audience with the pope to propose the change. Naturally
the pope is luke-warm to the idea, so to sweeten the deal the Kentucky
Fried representative offers to make a large contribution to the catholic
church.
The pope once again considers the proposal and rejects it. The Kentucky
Fried rep now proposes to feed the starving millions and make an even
larger contribution to the church. Now the pope is interested but
that he must get the approval of the Vatican council first.
So at the next meeting of the bishops the pope starts off the meeting:
"I have some good news, and some bad news."
"The bad news is that we will be losing the Wonder Bread account....."
english.121dejanr,
Three guys walked slowly, enjoying the nice weather, on a huge glacier.
Then suddenly one of the guys fell into a deep hole in the ice.
"We're gonna get some help!" one of the others said.
Then the two men walked away to find help.
After several miles, they met the Red Cross, and they
agried to save their comrad.
Eventually they found him, and shouted down:
"Hey! This is the Red Cross!"
And he replied: "I am already a supporter, thank you!"
english.122dejanr,
A traveling salesman got an audience with the pope. He said: "Hey father
have you heard the joke about the two Polacks who______." "My son," said the
pope, I'm Polish!" The salesman thought for a minute, then said: "Okay,
I'll tell it very slowly..."
==========================
Did you know that 4 out of 10 accidents are caused by drunk drivers?
Therefore you have less chance of getting into an accident if you're
driving drunk then if driving sober.
==========================
mail write !zsdsz
The reason computer chips are so small
is that computers don't eat much.
==========================
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
==========================
Q: Why are Mexican steering wheels so small?
A: Handcuffs only stretch so far.
==========================
While critiquing a survey instrument intended for mothers of infants
less than one year old, I came across the following question:
Have you ever breast fed your baby?
a) Yes b) No c) Don't Know
==========================
Q: How does a blind parachutist know when he is about to land?
A: The lead goes slack!
==========================
My favorite exam mistake is:
The Hydra moves by swinging its testicles
english.123dejanr,
You Know When It's Going To Be A Bad Day When
---------------------------------------------
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.....................
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.............
You get to work and find a 60 minutes news team waiting in your office..
You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of
...............................................................the city.
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind thirty-two hell's angels..
Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a
.............................................grapefruit down the toilet.
You realized that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead
...........................................................of deodorant.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture................
Your husband says "good morning Mary"..........and your name is Sharon.
You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight
...and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.
Your doctor tells you you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies.
You have to borrow from you mastercard to pay your visa.........
Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.
You compliment the boss'es wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't
............................................................wearing any.
People think you are 40............................and you really are.
You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar
...............................................................is yours.
english.124dejanr,
The same cowboy rides into another town, goes into a bar, has a beer,
walks outside and finds his horse has been stolen. He walks into the
bar, and fires his gun through the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU MOTHERS
STOLE MY HOSS?" he yells. No-one answers. "ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE
ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M
GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS". He gets another beer, walks outside,
and his horse is back, so he get's on it and makes to ride out of
town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks "Say partner,
what happened in Texas?". The cowboy turns to him and says "I had to
bloody walk home..."
==========================
A cowboy rides into town, hitches up his horse and walks into a bar.
He goes up, gets a beer, drinks it, and walks out. Half a second
passes and he bursts back into the bar and says "ALRIGHT WHICH ONE OF
YOU MOTHERS PAINTED MY HORSE'S FACE YELLOW?". A huge man-mountain
stands up, looks down at the cowboy and says "I DID". The cowboy
looks up at him and whispers "The first coat's dry"
==========================
Two boys arguing on the sidewalk:
My dad's smarter than your dad!
NO HE'S NOT! My dad's stronger than your dad!
NO HE'S NOT! My mom's better than your mom!
Well, you got me there. That's what my dad says too.
english.125dejanr,
As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted
two figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road.
The driver blew his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued
their love making, in spite of his warnings. The truck finally slid to a
halt barely three inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" The driver
shouted at them. "You could have been killed." The man stood up and faced
the driver. "Well, I was coming, she was coming and you were coming," He
panted, "And you were the only one with brakes."
english.126dejanr,
It's Good Friday and Jesus is getting crucified on top of the hill. Down
at the bottom are Peter, Mary, and the rest of his gang.
Suddenly Jesus moans: "Peter, Peter...".
Peter runs up to the top of the hill (pant, pant) saying, "Yes Lord, what is
it Lord?".
Just as he reaches the top, a roman soldier lashes out and chops his right
arm off, then kicks him all the way back to the bottom.
After several minutes, Jesus moans again: "Peter... Peter...".
Peter quickly runs up the hill, saying "Yes Lord, what's the matter Lord?",
"Peter... Peter... I can see your house from here... "
english.127dejanr,
It was in africa, and a camera crew has been assigned to get coverage
of the World Famous Gorilla Wrestler at work. The camera crew is in
the truck with him and his dog, and they come across a small tree.
The guy says to them, "Just wait here, i'll be right back". He climbs
the tree, wrestles with the gorilla for a while, then throws it to the
ground. Quick as a flash, the man's dog jumps on the poor animal, and
has sex with it until it faints. The man throws it in the back of the
van, and the get to a medium sized tree, with a medium sized gorilla,
and the same thing happens. Then they're driving along, and there is
a huge tree with an absolutely massive gorilla in it, and the man
hands the camera-man a gun. "What's this for?" the camera man asks.
"Well, there's a small chance that i might lose the battle here, and
if i do... Shoot the dog..."
english.128dejanr,
One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up.
When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"
"I got into a fight with the apartment manager."
"Whatever for?"
"He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"
"Hmmm. I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Green on the third floor."
english.129dejanr,
A student walks into a car showroom and after a long talk with a
salesman, he picks the car he wants to buy.
``Do you have the cash to pay for it, Sir, or will you be making
a hire purchase agreement?''
``I'll buy it on HP, thanks.''
So the student dictates his details to the salesman, who fills in the HP
application. Then, to the salesman's astonishment, he signs at the
bottom of the form with a big cross and a little cross.
``What are these crosses?''
``Well, the big cross is my name and the little cross is `BSc Agriculture'.''
english.130dejanr,
Man walks into a Moscow Lada dealership and signs up for a Lada.
Customer: When will it be delivered?
Dealer: 1996.
Customer: What month?
Dealer (after looking up book): April.
Customer: What day?
Dealer (after looking up book): 12th.
Customer: What time?
Dealer (now getting pissed off): What time?! It's in 6 years time and
you ask what time. Why?
Customer: I've got a plumber coming in the morning.
english.131dejanr,
Reminds me of:
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding and are suddenly surrounded by Indians,
all
pointing bows at them. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and says
"Boy are we in trouble!" Tonto turns and says
"What 'we', white man?"
or
Decades later the Lone Ranger gets curious and looks up Komosabe. It reads
"Horses rear." What the...?
(second WAS a far side.. I don't know about the first)
english.132dejanr,
>The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding and are suddenly surrounded by Indians,
all pointing bows at them. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and says
>"Boy are we in trouble!" Tonto turns and says
>"What 'we', white man?"
Give me a break!! This joke is the origin of the famous line:
"What do you mean we, paleface?"
english.133dejanr,
A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent
on seeing the Pope. There he was stood in a big long queue with
a rather expensive suit on - hoping the Pope would notice how
smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.
As the Pope made his way slowly down the queue, he walked right
passed the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped
next to a tramp, leaned over and whispered something in the tramp's
ear, and made his way on again.
This pisses-off the American and so agrees to pay 1000 dollars to
the tramp in exchange for his suit, in the hope that the Pope will
speak to him the next day.
The next morning the American is stood in the queue, waiting to see
the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making
his way slowly up to the American, and when he finally reached him,
leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his hear, saying:
"I thought I told you to fuck off."
english.134dejanr,
Q: What's the oldest airline company?
A: FINNAIR: when Jesus went to heaven, He didn't ascend on a cloud,
He just vanished in FINNAIR.
==========================
Gladstone: "You will either be shot for treason, or die of a grievous
disease!"
Disraeli: "That depends, sir, on whether I embrace your morals or your
mistress!"
==========================
mail write !zsdsz
Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost on the prarie one day. The Lone
Ranger, says to Tonto: "Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this
mess." Tonto bends down and puts his ear to the ground. He turns and says
to the Lone Ranger "Buffalo come." the Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "How do
you know?", Tonto says, "Ear sticky."
==========================
One day, Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the
tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in
the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the
green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the
fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and
chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over
the fairway and heads for the watertrap. But just before it falls into
the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish
is falling back down to the water, and eagle swoops down and grabs the
fish in its claws. The eagle flies off, and when it is over the green,
a lighting bolt shoots from the sky and hits the eagle. Startled, the
eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out
of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus turns to
the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop screwing around, we won't
bring you next time."
english.135dejanr,
A young mother had just given birth to a new born baby, the nurse was just
congratulating her, when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to
hand. The mother looked startled. The doctor then said
"Here catch."
And promptly tossed the baby to the mother, but it landed on the window
ledge and fell out the window. The lady shrieked and said,
"You bastard, you've killed my baby!"
The doctor replied:
"April Fool, it was dead already!"
==========================
How many South African policemen does it take to break an egg?
None. It fell down the stairs.
==========================
The Pope is on his 1988 tour of America, in the middle of his 3 day bash in
New York. On the second day, he is driving back to his motel after a heavy
days bible bashing. It suddenly occurs to him that he is a little peckish
and so he decides to go for something to eat. Out of the corner of his eye
he notices 'Mel's Diner' and immediately pulls over. He hops out, kisses
the ground a couple of times and then goes in and sits down.
A sleazy waitress wanders over, notices who he is and then straightens
herself up.
"Yes you Holiness, what would you like?"
The Pope thought for a while.
"Well daughter, I have this terrible craving for a nice steak."
"Sure Mac, er I mean of course your Holiness. Would you like it well done,
medium or rare?"
"Oh. I think I'd like a very rare one please."
The waitress raised her arm.
"One bloody steak, Mel!" she shouted.
The Pope was horrified.
"Oh no my daughter, you musn't swear. There is no call for it!"
"But you don't understand, father, bloody describes how you will get the
steak. Very rare."
The Pope smiled.
"I understand. How stupid of me."
A little later, the Pope's steak arrived and he got stuck in. It was
gorgeous and he went to bed that night feeling satiated.
The next day, the Pope had had an even bigger God-squading session and was
helped by 31 of his cardinals. Afterwards, he called his cardinals together.
"Right Lads, as you've done a really good job today, I'll treat you to a
bit of nosh at this place I know. You'll like it I'm sure".
So the Pope took his cardinals to the diner and sat down. He called to
the waitress.
"Can I have 32 bloody steaks please!"
Immediately one of the cardinals slapped his knee...
"Hey yeah! And plenty of fucking chips okay? "
==========================
Johnny and Jim are walking through the desert. Suddenly, a snake bites
Jim's prick! AAIIIIIII!! He panics, and John panics. What can we do?
We should call for a doctor.
WHAMMM ! Suddenly, in the middle of the desert, there's a telephone
box. Johnny goes in, calls a doctor.
RING, RING. RING, RING.
J: My friend is bitten by a snake. What to do?
D: What kind of snake?
J: A one meter, green-yellow one.
D: Aye, aye.
J: ?
D: Those are very dangerous.
J: What can we do?
D: The only thing you can do, is to suck the poison out. Otherwise
your friend will be dead within half an hour.
Johnny hangs up, goes out off the telephone box. Jim, pale looking
already, asks what the doctor said.
Johnny: You'll be dead within half an hour.
=========================
mail write !zsdsz
How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear?
Ring him up while he's ironing.
english.136dejanr,
There was a businessman, and he was feeling really crook, and he went
to see the Doctor about it. The doctor says to him "Well, it must be
your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?" and the man replies "Well,
actually, i only eat peas, i hate all other green foods". The doctor
was quite shocked at this and says "Well man, that's your problem, all
those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them
up!!". The guy says "But how long for, i mean i really like peas!"
and the doctor replies "Forever, i'm afraid". The man is quite
shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition
improves, so he realises that he will never eat a pea again. Anyway,
one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and
getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says "Well, ashully, i'd
love a cigarrette, cozi avint ad a smoke in four years, i gave it up".
Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really, i haven't had a
game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so i
gave it up!" and the businessman says "Thas nuvving, i haven't ad a
pea in 6 years" and the barman jumps up screaming "Ok, everyone who
can't swim, grab a table...."
==========================
Q: Which is the odd one out - a baked bean, a soya bean or a vibrator?
A: The baked bean - the other two are meat substitutes!
english.137dejanr,
As a little girl is coming out of school, a man pulls up in his car, winds
down the window and says to her
"I'll give you a sweet if you'll get in the car with me."
The little girl says "No, I not getting in the car."
The next day the man pulls up again, winds down the window and says
"I'll give you two sweets if you'll get in the car with me."
The little girl says "No, I not getting in the car."
The third day the man pulls up and offers her a whole bag of sweets if she
will get into the car.
"No Dad", replies the girl, "There's no way I'm getting into
the Lada!"
==========================
Q. What is long, hard, and carries seamen?
A. A submarine.
==========================
"Don't cry darling, Daddy had to drown the cat."
"Yes I know, but he promised I could do it."
==========================
On the wall of the women's restroom in the Enterprise:
"Where no man has gone before."
==========================
Dear Son,
I am writing this slow, 'cause I know you can't read fast.
There are a few things happening here at home. We don't live where we did
when you left -- you're father read in the paper that most car accidents happen
within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the
address because we moved into your cousins old house and they took the numbers
with them so they wouldn't have to change their address.
The new place has a washing machine! It's in a small room that also has a
shower in it. The first day, I put four shirts in. I pressed the lever and I
haven't seen them since.
The weather is nice here. It rained twice this week. Three days the first
time and four days the second time.
Remember that coat you wanted me to send you? Well, your aunt said that it
would be too heavy to send in the mail, so we cut the buttons off and put them
in the pocket.
Monday we got a bill from the funeral home. It said if we don't make the
last payment on Grandma's funeral ... up she comes ...
Your father has a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under him. He's
cutting grass at the cemetery.
Your brother's wife had a baby this morning. We don't know whether it's a
boy or a girl, so we don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.
Your uncle fell in the whiskey vat and drowned. We cremated him. He burned
for 3 days.
Last week 3 of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup truck. One was
driving and the other two were riding in the back. The driver rolled down the
window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the
tailgate down.
Not much else. Write more often.
Love,
Mom
P.S. -- We would have sent money, but the envelope was already sealed.
english.138dejanr,
N Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women
Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
Motorcycles' curves never sag.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.
Motorcycles don't have parents.
Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the
old one is _really_ worn.
If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy
Motorcycle magazines.
New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them,
you don't get them.
If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics
to correct it.
You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register
your Motorcycle.
You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist
and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
If you say bad things to your Motorcycle, you don't have to apoligize
before you can ride it again.
You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.
english.139dejanr,
Q. What's the difference between yoghurt and Australia?
A. Yoghurt has a real live culture.
==========================
There is a man in a casino gambling with lots of "borrowed" money and a
fairy comes and sits on his shoulder. He's playing pontoon and gets dealt a
seven. The fairy advises him to buy a card for 500 pounds. Naturally he doesn't
trust the fairy, but he decides to buy one anyway. He gets a five giving him
twelve. The fairy then advises him to buy another card for 500 pounds. This
time he does and gets a three. "Buy another for 500 pounds," says the fairy.
This time he gets a five so he's got twenty with four cards. The fairy tells
him to buy another for 500 pounds. He thinks to himself that the fairy's been
right so far, so he complies. He gets dealt an ace. The fairy falls off his
shoulder crying, "You lucky bastard!"
==========================
A lady goes into a hardware store and asks for a hinge. The man at the
counter gets one for her and asks "Do you want a screw for that hinge?".
The lady says "No, but I'll blow ya for that toaster over there!".
==========================
Q: What is red and full of feathers?
A: A fallen angel.
english.140dejanr,
A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was told
he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist
Hell. Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to
Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Adam Smith, looking bored.
"What's it like in there?" asked Dave.
"Well," replied Adam, "In Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil
you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out,
and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"That's terrible!!" gasped Dave. "I'm going to check out Communist
Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line
of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven
times before receding off into the horizon.
Dave pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found
Karl Marx busily signing people in. Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell
was like.
"In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil
you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver,
and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"But ... but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!" protested Dave.
"True," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we
don't have knives ..."
english.141dejanr,
This IBM service rep, hardware engineer, and software
engineer were driving down the road one day and they had a flat. The
service rep wanted to replace the car, the hardware engineer thought
they could work around it, and the software engineer said 'maybe if
we ignore it, it'll go away'.
english.142dejanr,
The pope died. Like all good christians he went to heaven and knocked on
the door. Peter opened. The pope said: "I'm the pope."
Peter picked up the phone and rang Jesus.
"I have someone here who says he's the pope, do you know him?"
Jesus answered: "No, never heared of him, send him to hell."
Peter told the pope. "That can't be true, ring God himself," the pope said.
So Peter rang God and said: "Here's someone who says he's the pope, do you
know him?" God answered: "No, never heard of him, send him to hell."
And again Peter told the pope. "The last chance I have is the Holy Spirit,"
the pope said. Peter rang him and said: "I have someone here who says he's
the pope, you know him?"
"Yes," he said, "I know him. He's the one who told everyone I got Maria
pregnant. Send him to hell".
==========================.
In the old days in Finland, all young men had to go through some rites of
passage to show that they were REAL FINNISH MEN. The usual set consisted of
three tests: 1) Empty a full bottle of vodka without pause, 2) Go out in the
forest to kill a bear with bare hands, and 3) rape a woman.
When Pekka had reached the age of the rites of passage, he had no trouble
at all with the vodka. He disappeared into the forest, and came back three
days later, with clothes torn and blood dripping from several wounds. Then
he said: "Now where's the woman I have to kill?"
==========================
A slightly drunk man walked into a bar, went up to the bartender,
and said, "I'll bet you $50 I can bite my right eye!" Noticing the
man had had a few to drink, the bartender took him up on it. The
drunk then proceded to pop out a glass eyeball, and bite it. The
bartender paid, and the man left.
The next day, the man returned, a little drunker than the previous
day, and he said to the bartender, "I'll bet you $50 I can bite my
left eye!" Knowing that the man couldn't have two glass eyes, the
bartender again took him up on it. This time, the man pulled out his
false teeth and 'bit' his eye. (Ouch!) The bartender paid up.
The next day, the man came in stone drunk. He went to the
bartender and said, "I'll give you a chance to get your money back.
I'll bet you a hundred dollars that you can put a shot glass on the
other end of the bar, and I can stand on this end (20 feet away) and
piss in it, without getting a single drop outside the glass.
The bartender just couldn't pass up the chance to get his $100
back, and the guy was very drunk, so he again took the drunk up on his
bet. He put the shot glass on the other end of the bar, and the drunk
simply pissed all over the bar. The bartender smiled and said, "You lost!"
The drunk just smiled and gave him the hundred dollars.
The bartender said, "You're not too unhappy about losing all your
money. Why not?" The drunk exclaimed, "Because I just bet this guy
at the table $2000 I could piss all over your bar, and you wouldn't
care!"
english.143dejanr,
A whole bunch of guys are hanging out in their usual bar after work
one day when this very attractive woman walks in and sits down right in
the midst of them. After about two minutes of amazed looks one of the
men manages to ask the woman her name.
"Don't you recognize me guys? It's me, Bernie. I had a sex change!"
Well, the men are all amazed at how their old drinking buddy, Bernie,
looks with all his new equipment. So they buy some more drinks and get
to talking about old times with Bernie/Bernice.
After a few hours, the conversation rolls around to the subject of
Bernice's operation.
So one of the guys says,"Tell me Bernice, what was the most painful
thing about the operation? Was it when they cut your dick off?"
Bernice says,"No. That was painful, but that wasn't the most painful
thing."
So another guy pipes up, "I'll bet I know! I'll bet the worst
part was when they cut your balls off, right?"
"No.", Bernice says, "That really hurt too, but that wasn't the
worst part either."
Finally, one of the men asks, "Well, just what was the worst, most
painful part of the operation that turned you into a woman?"
And Bernice replies, "When they cut my skull open and removed half
my brain!"
==========================
Two nuns riding down a cobbled road on bicycles. First one says to the other:
"I've never come this way before."
Other says: "Neither have I. It's probably the cobbles."
==========================
Q. Do you know what mothballs smell like?
A. Yes.
Q. Really, how do you get their little legs apart?
Q. How do you make a hormone?
A. Don't pay her.
Q: What lies at the bottom of the sea and whimpers?
A: A nervous wreck.
==========================
Gilligan: "Gee Skipper! I sure am glad we got away from those headhunters!"
Skipper: "You can say that again, little buddy!"
Gilligan: "Gee Skipper! I sure am glad we . . ."
==========================
An American, an Englishman and a Japanese fellow were discussing
their respective countries over drink at a London pub one evening.
The English fellow mentioned how that British medicine had
progressed so far that doctors recently had taken a single liver and
cut it into six pieces then transplanted it into six separate men
in need of a healthy liver. This had resulted in six new workers
in the job market.
At this, the Japanese guy said that in his country doctors had
cut a lung into twelve pieces, transplanted these into twelve people
in need of healthy lungs, thereby putting twelve new people in the
job market.
Not to be outdone, the American said "That's nothing. In the
U.S. we took one asshole, made it President, and now there are
10 million people in the market for a job."
english.144dejanr,
The Avon lady was selling her wares to someone on
the top floor. She was there a long time. By the time
she got on the elevator, she needed to fart really bad.
She held it a couple of floors, but finally cut loose.
It smelled horrible, so she got some of her pine air
freshener out of her Avon bag and sprayed it liberally
around the elevator;she figured no one would notice.
She went down several floors and no one got on the
elevor;she thought she was in the clear, so she farted
again and sprayed again. The next floor an old drunk
got on the elevator. He said "Goddamn lady- it smells
like you just shit a Christmas tree!"
english.145dejanr,
Having pulled out my Book of Anecdotes, I found what should likely
be the first (MY contention) entry in the Cannonical List of
Lawyer jokes. A story told of former President and General, U.S.
Grant;
Undistinguished and often shabby in appearance, Ulysses S.
Grant did not recommend himself to strangers by looks. He
once entered an inn at Galena, Illinois, on a stormy
winter's night. A number of lawyers, in town for a court
session, were clustered around the fire. One looked up as
Grant appeared and said, "Here's a stranger, gentlemen,
and by the looks of him he's traveled through hell itself
to get here."
"That's right," said Grant cheerfully.
"And how did you find things down there?"
"Just like here," replied Grant, "lawyers all closest to
the fire."
==========================
After a long, somewhat confusing lecture in my numerical analysis class
about finite difference methods, Newton's and Secant methods, the professor
mentioned that the analysis he had discussed led easily into the
investigation of better methods of function minimization, including
"Higher order polynomial fits". The person next to me quipped:
"That's what everyone in the class is having right now."
Chet (dfrank@yoda.UUCP)
english.146dejanr,
Yugo owner: "I want a radiator cap for my Yugo"
Parts salesman: "that sounds like a fair trade"
==========================
Talent Show
-----------
Angela, David, And Mae Are The Young Stars In The Talent Show. Their Ages
Are 5, 7, And 8. From The Information Given, Determine Each Child's Full
Name ( One Last Name Is Starr ) And Age.
1. Miss Grant Is Three Years Older That Angela.
2. The Child Whose Last Name Is Diamond Is Seven Years Old.
Need The Answer? Got An Answer!!! Want The Answer!!!
Send E-MAIL....CALLAWAYCJ@EA.USL.EDU
------------------------------------
C.JamesCallaway
---------------
C.JamesCallaway
---------------
CALLAWAYCJ@EA.USL.EDU
One Will Only Find Peace Within Himself.....If He Looks!
english.147dejanr,
DECK THE DOOR
-------------
Aretha And Three Of Her Friends Made Christmas Wreaths Last Weekend. Each Used
A Different Material For The Weaths, Added Different Colored Ornamental Balls,
And Chose Different Decorations To Complete The Wreath. Using The Information
Provided, Can You Determine The First And Last Names Of The Person Who Made
Each Wreath ( One Last Name O'Connor ), And The Material, Color Of Ornamental
Balls, And The Type Of Decoration Used On Each Wreath?
1. Mary Did Not Use Candy Canes Or Tiny Gift Boxex For
Decoration, Or Red Or White Ornamental Balls.
2. Winters, Whose First Name Is Not David, Did Not Use
Stars For Decoration Or Silver Balls.
3. The One Surnamed Decker Did Not Use Pine Cones Or
Evergreen Branches For The Wreath. The One Who Used
Evergreen Branches Did Not Use Stars For Decoration.
4. The Person Surnamed Towers, Who Did Not Use Gift Boxes
For Decoration, Is Neither The One Who Used Holly Leaves
For The Wreath Nor The One Who Used Silver Balls.
5. Nick, Who Did Not Use Candy Canes For Decoration, Is
Neither Winters Nor The Person Who Used Ribbons For
Decoration, Who Did Not Use Gold.
6. The Person Who Used Ribbons Used Neither Holly Leaves
For The Wreath Nor Silver Balls. The Silver Balls Were
Not Put On The Grapevine Wreath.
7. David, Who Did Not Use White Balls, Is Not Towers.
Need The Answer? Got An Answer!!! Want The Answer!!!
Send E-MAIL....CALLAWAYCJ@EA.USL.EDU
------------------------------------
C.JamesCallaway
---------------
C.JamesCallaway
---------------
CALLAWAYCJ@EA.USL.EDU
One Will Only Find Peace Within Himself.....If He Looks!
english.148dejanr,
In article <1990Oct12.141401.21215@virtech.uucp> tracy@virtech.uucp (Tracy L.
Brooks) writes:
>
>You must not have any fear in GOD because you are talking about
>His creation. God will punish those that blapheme His name.
One day when I was praying I suddenly realized that I was talking to
myself. It was then that I came up with the following story.
-- the preceding joke is NOT original, but the following story is.
v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v
> <
< /--\ >
> ! !nce upon a time there was a Master Programmer who created three <
< \--/ intelligent processes. He started all these processes up >
> with no information about the world. After a while He came <
< back to the processes. The first process printed out "I think >
> therefore I am," and continued deriving philosophy from first <
< principles. The Master Programmer looked upon the process and saw >
> that it was good (though He made a note to himself that the next <
< process that He would write wouldn't fall into the Cartesian >
> Circle). The second process printed "I don't believe in the Master <
< Programmer. Fuck the Master Programmer." The Master Programmer >
> laughed and watched the process evolve its ideas. Finally, the <
< Master Programmer looked at the third process. The third process >
> was printing "I love the Master Programmer. I love the Master <
< Programmer. I love the Master Programmer..." over and over. The >
> Master Programmer could see that this process was caught in an <
< infinite loop, so He sent it a kill -9 signal. >
> <
v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v
english.149dejanr,
(This has been kicking around for so long that I have absolutely no idea
of its origin.)
Documentation Sex Quiz
1. What are the fallopian tubes?
a. Bicycle tires
b. A subway in Italy
c. All of the above
2. What is a urethra?
a. A female black singer
b. The opposite of myrethra
c. Something you hang on your door for Chrithmeth
3. What is an ovary?
a. A book written by Flaubert
b. A passing grade at school
c. A famous WWII song
4. What is fellatio?
a. A person who collects stamps
b. Mr. Hornblower's first name
c. A non-dairy whipped topping popular in Italy
5. What is a testicle?
a. A test to see if you're ticklish
b. One of the two parts of the Bible
c. An octopus' arm
6. What is cunnilingus?
a. A form of pasta
b. The language of love
c. An Irish airline
7. What is a gonad?
a. A cheer for NAD high school
b. A person who wanders from place to place
c. A Moody Blues song
8. What is a vulva?
a. A Swedish car
b. The puching bag in your throat
c. An engine part
9. What is a seminal vesicle?
a. An indian boat
b. A priest's retreat
c. A discussion on the subject of veins and arteries
12. What is a penis?
a. A salty snack you have with beer
b. A Charles Shultz comic strip
c. Liberace
Boner Question: What is an Anus?
a. Part of a famous black comedy team
b. A planet--home of Superman
c. A herbaceous plant
english.150dejanr,
[I got this from my uncle, who works at one of IBM's Silicon Valley labs. I
don't where he got it.]
THE PAGING GAME
Jeff Berryman, University of British Columbia
1. Each player gets several million "things."
2. Things are kept in "crates" that hold 512 things each. Things in the
same crate are called "crate-mates."
3. Crates are stored either in the "workshop" or a "warehouse." The
workshop is almost always too small to hold all the crates.
4. There is only one workshop but there may be several warehouses.
Everybody shares them.
5. Each thing has its own "thing number."
6. What you do with a ting is to "zark" it. Everybody takes turns zarking.
7. You can only zark your things, not anybody else's.
8. Things can only be zarked when they are in the workshop.
9. Only the "Thing King" knows whether a thing is in the workshop or in a
warehouse.
10. The longer a thing goes without being zarked, the "grubbier" it is said
to become.
11. The way you get things is to ask the Thing King. He only gives out
things in multiples of eight. This is to keep the royal overhead down.
12. The way you zark a thing is to give its thing number. If you give the
number of a thing that happens to be in the workshop it gets zarked
right away. If it is in a warehouse, the Thing King packs the crate
containing your thing back into the workshop. If there is no room in
the workshop, he first finds the grubbiest crate in the workshop,
whether it be yours or somebody else's, and packs it off with all its
crate-mates to a warehouse. In its place he puts the crate containing
your thing. Your thing then gets zarked and you never knew that it
wasn't in the workshop all along.
13. Each player's stock of things have the same numbers as everybody else's.
The Thing King always knows who owns what thing and whose turn it is, so
you can't ever accidentally zark somebody else's thing even if it has
the same thing number as one of yours.
Notes
1. Traditionally, the Thing King sits at a large, segmented table and is
attended to by pages (the so-called "table pages") whose job it is to
help the king remember where all the things are and who they belong to.
2. One consequence of Rule 13 is that everybody's thing numbers will be
similar from game to game, regardless of the number of players.
3. The Thing King has a few things of his own, some of which move back and
forth between workshop and warehouse just like anybody else's, but some
of which are just too heavy to move out of the workshop.
4. With the given set of rules, oft-zarked things tend to get kept mostly
in the workshop while little-used things stay mostly in a warehouse.
This is efficient stock control.
5. Sometimes even warehouses get full. The Thing King then has to start
piling things on the dump out back. This makes the game slower because
it takes a long time to get things off the dump when they are needed in
the workshop. A forthcoming change in the rules will allow the Thing
King to select the grubbiest things in the warehouses and send them to
the dump in his spare time, thus keeping the warehouses from getting too
full. This means that the most infrequently-zarked things will end up
so the Thing King won't have to get things from the dump so often. This
should speed up the game when there are a lot of players and the
warehouses are getting full.
LONG LIVE THE THING KING
[The following appear to have been added later, as they were typed in a
different font.]
Notes:
1. The VM Thing King is considerably stronger than the Thing King of the
system described above. He uses crates containing 4096 things.
2. Recently the Thing King has tired of carrying crates back and forth
between the warehouse and the workshop one at a time and has purchased
a forklift. When it is someone else's turn to zark their things, the
Thing King stacks the grubbiest of your crates on his forklift and
hauls them to the warehouse. The warehouse is too small for the forklift
to do much maneuvering, so once a stack of crates has been taken to the
warehouse it can't be unstacked without bringing it into workshop. This
means if you want to zark a thing which is stacked in the warehouse the
whole stack of crates must be brought into the workshop. While this
might appear to generate a lot of unnecessary crate traffic, it is more
than offset by the reduction in the number of trips necessary.
english.151dejanr,
A fellow from the city was driving through the country one day when he came
upon a quaint farmhouse alongside of the road - and there was even a farmer
standing out front. So the city boy decided to stop and talk to the farmer.
"Good morning, sir," he said, "I was driving by, admiring the country, 'cause
I'm a city boy, and I couldn't help but notice that you have a field full of
cows on your farm. Now I've lived in the city all my life and I've never
tried any fresh country milk. If it's all right with you, I'd like to try
some fresh country milk from your cows."
The farmer replied, "Son, those are bulls! You don't get milk from bulls!!"
And the city boy said, "But I won't hurt your cows. All I want to do is to
try some fresh country milk."
The farmer had to try again, "Son, those are BULLS!! You don't get milk from
BULLS!!!"
But the city boy persisted, "Really, I won't hurt your COWS! I just want to
try some fresh country milk!!"
So the farmer reluctantly gave in, "Son, knock yourself out."
In a half an hour the city boy returned from the fields carrying a pail of
fresh country milk. The farmer scratched his head and started to speak, but
the city boy jumped in with, "You know, while I was out in the field getting
this lovely fresh country milk, I saw a fence covered with honeysuckles.
And you know, I've been city boy all my life and I've never had any fresh
country honey. If it's all right with you, I'd like to try some fresh
country honey from your honeysuckles."
And the farmer replied, "Son, honeysuckles are flowers. You get honey from
bees."
But the city boy persisted, "I won't hurt your flowers. I just want to try
some fresh country honey."
So the farmer tried again, "Son, honey comes from BEES!"
But the city boy was adamant, "Really, I won't hurt your FLOWERS! I just want
to try some fresh country honey!!"
And the farmer reluctantly gave in again, "Son, be my guest."
In a half an hour the city boy boy returned with 2 mason jars full of honey.
The farmer scratched his head harder than before and started to speak. Just
then the city boy said, "You know, I'm a city boy - been a city boy all my
life. Now while I was out getting some of that fresh country honey,
I noticed that you have a field full of pussy willows ..."
"Son," interrupted the farmer, "let me get my hat."
english.152dejanr,
Ivrea, Italy, 18.September.1990
By Craig Hockenberry
This is a true story. I wish it weren't.
Last night I had a little trouble getting to sleep, and it wasn't a case of
insomnia.
I had just finished brushing my teeth and was heading back to my bedroom for a
much needed rest. Upon enterng the room, I switched on the light and noticed
a black object flying around the light in the center of the room. I thought
to myself, "no problem, just a small bird that will fly out of the room when
I open the window."
After looking at this object for a few seconds, I realized that it was a BAT.
My reaction was, and I quote, "SHIT!". Milliseconds later, I was in the next
room looking at a closed door and wondering how the hell I was going to get
rid of this thing...
The window in the bedroom was closed and locked, hence it could not be opened
from the outside of the house. This left me with one alternative .. going back
in and flushing out the BAT.
I returned to the bathroom and got a large towel which I put over my head. I
slowly entered the room and started shaking the towel over my head while the
BAT circled above. Too bad that bats can't see .. the sight of a 6'6" male in
his underware hiding underneath a bath towel would cause any normal animal to
die of laughter. I must have looked like an epileptic King Faud.
I made my way, as quickly as possible, to the window and succeeded in opening
it. After returning to the safety of the next room, I realized I was dealing
with a STUPID BAT. The damn thing would not fly out of the room.
My next brainstorm was to scare the STUPID BAT out of the bedroom. So, the man
with the shaking towel on his head re-enters the room and tries to scare a
STUPID BAT. Notice that I never said this was a clever brainstorm.
After trying for several minutes (that seemed like hours), the STUPID BAT is
still circling and I'm more scared than the STUPID BAT.
I am running out of brainstorms at this point. That is until my cat walks up
to the door and looks at me with an expression that can only be described as:
"why are you standing at your bedroom door with a towel on your head?" Cats
are good at recognizing abnormal behaviour.
My cat, Roxy, is also quite a good hunter. She regularly brings dead objects
into the house for inspection (that's another good story). By now, you
probably are having the same brainstorm that I was last night. She can kill a
moth as it flys through the air why can't she KILL the STUPID BAT as it flys
through the air.
At first, she is a little confused as I toss her into the bedroom to do her
instinctive duty. However, as soon as the STUPID BAT goes into his flight
pattern, she makes several stunning leaps into the air to KILL the STUPID
BAT. Unlike her owner (who has finally realized that a towel on the head is not
really needed against a STUPID BAT) she gives up and sits in the middle of the
bed looking at the STUPID BAT hanging upside down on curtains and her owner
peeking through the door. I'm sure she is thinking: "You are 6'6" tall. YOU
can reach the STUPID BAT".
I hate it when my cat has these great ideas.
So, I slowly enter the room .. the STUPID BAT remains on the curtain ..
Roxy is waiting patiently for an opportunity to attack .. I get within a
couple of feet of the STUPID BAT .. the towel is wadded into an efficent,
STUPID BAT KILLING projectile (thank God for rec.pyrotechnics) .. I'm ready to
attack .. the towel is launched .. and the STUPID BAT comes straight at me!
And I don't have a towel on my head!
I don't know how, but I got out bedroom alive. I quickly went to the bathroom
and got more ammo. I really want to KILL the STUPID BAT.
So, I slowly enter the room .. the STUPID BAT remains on the curtain ..
but this time I notice that the STUPID BAT is stuck in the curtain .. IT CAN'T
MOVE!!! I find myself thanking God that this is a STUPID BAT .. if it were a
SMART BAT, I'd be dead.
Confident that I have won this battle, I slowly walk up to the STUPID BAT and
wrap it up in a towel. I then quickly walk to the window and throw the entire
bundle out the window. Within seconds, the window is closed and the sense of
saftey overwhelms me.
Before retiring for the night, there is one last thing to do. I need to collect
all the ammo (towels) that have been used in this adventure. After putting away
the towels that are inside the house, I remembered that there is still one
more outside that used to contain a STUPID BAT.
It's so dark outside, I don't even bother to put on a pair of pants so that I
won't offend the neighbors. I easily find the towel in the faint light coming
from the bedroom light and start to pick it up carefully by the corners. I
want to shake it out to make EXTRA sure that the STUPID BAT is not still
inside the towel. After all this, I'll be damned if I'm going to take the
STUPID BAT back into the house.
Suddenly, I feel a small fur covered object rub against my arm! It makes me
jump about 3 feet and nearly gives me a heart attack. After recovering, I
slowly approached the towel to find Roxy looking up at me with the expression:
"Thanks for putting this towel outside for me to sleep on!"
I wanted to KILL that STUPID CAT!
english.153dejanr,
Extended sign-off mnemonics
These days it's quite common for messages on social-oriented
bulletin boards to end with signoffs like "Hi and hugs to everybody."
In fact, this has become so popular that as much as 7.5% of the disk
space on some BBS's is currently devoted to this particular comment.
The International Committee for Relatively Pointless Abbreviations
and Badly Misspelled Acronyms (SPUDS) has just released a new,
internationally approved list of abbreviated signoffs. These include:
ooo : hugs
xxx : kisses
OOO : big hugs
XXX : big kisses
oo : hugs for everybody but you
OO! : big, excited hugs
CCC : hugs for people you can't quite reach around
OOQ : hugging with tongue
xx@ : kisses and earlobe nibbling
zzz : snoring
yyy : anything that occurs between kissing and snoring
H : handshake
kkk : Alternate form of "handshakes for all"
KKK : White robes for all
AAA : talk-show not-really kissing
[X] : kissing in the closet
XYZZY : a kiss that moves you
MMM : Same as WWW, but from inversion boots
LLL : Armwrestles for all
OOO~~~ : Big hugs and large caterpillars for all
))) : Smiles for all
TTT : Trees for all
jjj : gooses for all
JJJ : big gooses for all
OOOXXXYYYZZZ : This is illegal before marriage in nine states
OOOXXXyZZZZZ : Still illegal, but generally not nearly as well
received
Remember, there is much more work to be done to codify and abbreviate
excessively clear and understandable sign-off messages and replace
them with efficient and incomprehensible international symbols.
Please contribute money, suggestions, and chocolate to this worthy
cause, and help make conversation boards a better place for
assembly-language programmers.
Thank you,
Trygve Lode,
General Secretary (SPUDS)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Unnatural Enquirer, (C) 1990 by Trygve Lode (tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu)
May be reproduced and distributed freely in unmodified form on a
noncommercial basis provided this notice remains intact.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
english.154dejanr,
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken
slur) "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and
give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill
for $37.00. The drunk says "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy
around few times then throw him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again
says (with a drunken slur) "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour
yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and
figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same
trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks
for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00. The
drunk says "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the
guy up, beats the shit out of him, then throw him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and
says (with a drunken slur) "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink,
and give me the bill." In disgust, the bartender says "What, no drink for me
this time?" The drunk replies "No, you get violent when you drink."
{ Heard this from a stand-up comic on the comedy channel on cable TV.}
english.155dejanr,
A rather nasty and egotistical man was finally left by his wife, who then re-
married someone whom she felt would treat her with more love and kindness.
When our nasty hero happened to meet her on the street one day, he couldn't
overcome his usual tendencies, and asked her sarcastically, "So, how does
that new husband of yours like fucking in used pussy?"
"He likes it just fine," she replied, "once he gets past the used part."
english.156dejanr,
Two little boys are walking down the street. The first one says, "I'm so
proud to be Jewish. Our rabbi really knows a lot." The other one says,
"Well, I'm proud to be Catholic. Our priest knows more than your rabbi."
The first boy says, "Yeah but that's because everyone tells him everything."
english.157dejanr,
... as Benny Hill once said: "Did you ever notice that everyone in
favour of birth control has already been born?"
english.158dejanr,
Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:
George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years"
Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days"
George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill
a man and get 3 days???"
Herman: "Yep.......they hang me on Wednesday"
english.159dejanr,
Two hippies were waiting at the bus stop along with a nun with her leg in
a cast. The first hippie asked "Sister, how did you break you leg?" "I
slipped in the bathtub." The second hippie asked the first "What's a bathtub?"
"How should I know, I'm not Catholic!"
english.160dejanr,
Take heart: the only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson
Crusoe.
----------------------------------------------------
What do you call a computer scientist ...
My ex-wife used to say (maybe she still does) that it doesn't
matter what you call him. He's too involved with the computer
to come anyway.
english.161dejanr,
A short story I read once claimed that when Sherlock Holmes died and
went to heaven, God presented him with a mystery: Adam and Eve had disappeared!
Holmes quickly identified the couple (who, it turned out, had disguised
themselves to get away from the constant demands to meet curious new arrivals).
When asked how he had solved the case, Holmes replied, "Elementary, my dear
God. They were the only persons without navels."
english.162dejanr,
In article <13695@arisia.Xerox.COM> cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com writes:
>
>Did you hear that Ted Kennedy asked his young beautiful secretary to be his
>mistress?
>
>She hesitated to begin the relationship and asked Ted: "But what if I should
>become pregnant?"
>
>Ted said, "Don't worry, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it!!"
>
>----------------------------------------------------
Two follow-ups semi-jokes:
Ted Kennedy is preparing for a debate. An aide asks: "What happens if
they bring up Chappaquidick?" To which Ted replies: "I'll drive off
that bridge when I come to it."
And don't forget the National Lampoon fake advertisement that got
them sued. (At the time, Volkswagen had a series of ads showing that
VW bugs would actually float for a while in water.) The fake ad showed
a VW bug floating in water with the caption: "Maybe if Ted Kennedy
had been driving a Volkswagen he wouldn't be in so much hot water."
(The lawsuit was based on Nat Lamp reprinting the VW logo without
permission.)
english.163dejanr,
This travelling guy was once driving outside a small town and right in
front of a mad peoples home (madhouse or whatever it's called) his front
wheel comes off. Looking into the problem he finds that all four of the wheel's
nuts have come off. `This is a fine mess' he thinks loudly `how am I ever
going to get out of here'. In frustration he sits down by the side of a road
to think things out. All this while there was a mad inmate who watched the
whole scene from his window. After a while he calls out to the traveller
asking him to approach the window. The man looks at him and decides that
the last thing he can handle is a conversation with a lunatic and ignores him
but eventually gives in when he persists. When he approaches the window the
mad man tells him to take one nut out of each of his other wheels and use it
temporarily on wheel that's come off. This way he could get to next town
and buy 4 more. The traveller looks at him in disbelief, this had never
occurred to him. Totally blown away by this, he applogises for his rude
behaviour previously and ask him why he's in a mad house when he's has so
much common sense. To this he gets the reply "I'm mad not STUPID".
english.164dejanr,
"Maybe this world is another planet's Hell."
-Aldous Huxley
----------------------------------------------------
More IT'S A SMALL TOWN
You know you're in a small town.....
when you turn on your hair dryer and the street lights dim...
Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
----------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a dead shunk on the oard road and a dead
lawyer.
There are skid marks in front of the skunk
english.165dejanr,
Yet more from the Program Trader Nelson article (WSJ, Oct 13, pg 39):
One time, a broker typed in the wrong password (on the Bankers Trust
computer), which happened to be another broker's password. "So they
both had this same list of securities. I get a call from a broker
saying, `I'm trying to buy XYZ and it keeps getting bid up out there.`
We couldn't figure it out. Then it suddently dawned on us that (two
different brokers) were working the same list."
Both brokers were getting the same list of stocks to buy and sell, and were
bidding against each other.
english.166dejanr,
A man, who barely made it through the Black Monday crash, called E.F. Hutton
the next day and asked, "May I speak to Mr. Spenser, my broker, please?"
The operator replied, "I'm sorry. Mr Spenser is deceased. Can anyone else
help you?" The man said no and hung up.
Ten minutes later he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his broker.
The operator said, "You just called a few minutes ago, didn't you? Mr.
Spenser has died. I'm not making this up." The man again hung up.
Fifteen minutes later he called a third time and asked for Mr. Spenser.
The operator was irked by this time. "I've told you twice already, Mr.
Spenser is dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when
I say he's dead?"
The man replied, "I just like hearing it."
english.167dejanr,
Stalin is dying, and summons Komrad Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his
last few words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "Komrad, the reins
of the country are now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you
some advice."
"Yes, yes, Great Leader, what is it?" says Khruschev.
Reaching under his pillow, Stalin produces two envelopes marked 1 and 2.
"Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely - don't open
them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things start going bad, open
the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, even after
that, if things start going REALLY bad, open the second one." And with a
gasp Stalin breathed his last.
Well, Khruschev succeeded him, and sure enough, within a few years things
started going bad - unemployment increased, crops failed, people became
restless. Nikita decided it was time to open the first letter. All it said
was: "Blame everything on me!" So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization
campaign, and blamed Josef for all the excesses and purges and ills of the
present system, and bought himself some time that way.
But things continued on the downslide - Kennedy successfully rebuffed Soviet
missiles in Cuba, unemployment increased even more, crops failed even more,
the Politburo was unhappy with Khruschev's leadership and upstarts like
Brezhnev and Gromyko were threatening his credibility. So finally, after
much deliberation, Nikita opened the second letter.
All it said was: "Write two letters."
english.168dejanr,
The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch a satellite.
Of course it would orbit not Earth but Sputnik.
english.169dejanr,
Stalin dies and goes to hell (of course). But the devil is worried
that he might take over, so he won't let him in the gates.
Stalin wanders around outside the gates, looking for help, for 3 years.
Finally some Hungarians killed in the 1956 uprising come by.
Even they feel sorry for poor Stalin, and one of them offers to help.
He tells Stalin to climb into a potato sack, and three of them
carry it to the wall. They yell up at Satan:
"Hey, have you got a fellow named Karl Marx in there ?"
The devil says: "Yes, why ?"
They toss the sack with Stalin over the wall.
"Tell him to come collect the interest on his `Kapital'."
english.170dejanr,
In 1953, Stalin dies. The politburo holds a special meeting to decide
what to do about the body. Nobody will let it be buried near their home.
Finally they decide:
"Aha! Call Israel! Offer them ten million US dollars
The Jews will do *anything* for money!".
Off goes the message and the politburo waits...
Finally a telegram comes:
"NO THANK YOU STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY STOP"
english.171dejanr,
An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the
day and announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
"What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked
hard all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I
can't even buy a piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"
Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
"Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you
had made an outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points
an imaginary gun to this head and pulls the trigger.
The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of
meat again?"
"It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."
english.172dejanr,
Two Russian border guards, Ivan and Vladimir, on a cold winter morning.
Looking across the border, Ivan is smiling to himself, then he notices
that Vladimir is also smiling.
Ivan [suspiciously]: "What were you thinking about?"
Vladimir: "Same thing you were thinking about, comrade."
Ivan: "Then it is my duty to arrest you."
english.173dejanr,
The secret police have discovered a man who looks exactly like
Stalin. This is obviously dangerous: he could impersonate the
Leader, and who knows what harm may result. Beria, the secret
police chief, is reporting to Stalin, and asking for instructions.
"Why, shoot him." says Stalin.
"Certainly, comrade Stalin; a great idea, comrade Stalin." says
Beria," but... well, I will see that this is done promptly!"
"BUT?" says Stalin "But what?! Speak out your mind! You know I
am always open to suggestions."
"Well, I thought, if we just shaved off his moustache... he
might be no problem... " says Beria.
"A valuable suggestion, comrade Beria!" says Stalin.
"We'll implement it. Shave him, *then* shoot him!
english.174dejanr,
Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor.
"The one worry I have", says Lenin, "is this: will the people
follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"
"They will", says Stalin, "they surely will."
"I hope so", says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?".
"No problem", says Stalin, "then they'll follow you."
english.175dejanr,
A lady had a son who was in the elite group, the green berets. One day
the son came home from special operation to visit his mother. They sat
around and chat for a while.
Suddenly the mother said, "You know, I've been always meaning to ask you
what the difference is between a "Gorilla" and a "Comando", in the military
sense?"
The son said, "Well, their functions are very similar, but you can say
that a gorilla is trained to attack the enemy sites from the front in the
middle of the night, quickly get the job done, and retract before getting
caught. A comando, on the other hand, attacks from behind in the middle
of the night, gets the job done, and retracts before getting caught."
The mother thinks for a minute and then says, "I see... Then your father,
god bless his soul, was a comando all his life and didn't even know it!!!"
english.176dejanr,
During a difficult political situation in a certain country the marshall
law was in effect from dusk to dawn. One day, the soldiers patrolling an
area of the town noticed a man running in one of the streets. The officer
in charge looked at his watch and noticed that there was at least one hour
remaining before the curfew was to take effect.
Suddenly, one of the soldiers aimed his gun at the man and shut him dead.
The officer was appalled by this action and yelled at the soldier, "What
the hell did you do that for? The curfew doesn't start until at least
another hour!"
The soldier said, "Well sir, I knew where this man lived. There was no
way in hell he was gonna make it home in an hour!!!"
english.177dejanr,
The general in charge of an army base called the officers to a meeting
one day and said, "The troops have been on duty for six months now. I
think it is time we provided them with some entertainment."
He then ordered the officers to provide the soldiers with some ladies
of the night. The junior officer got a couple of MPs and a bus and went
to the well known part of the nearby town and started selecting the ladies.
The officer suddenly realized that a little old lady was also standing in
line and waiting for her turn. When her turn came, the officer tried to
come up with an excuse to get rid of her. Noticing the set of false teeth
in her mouth he said, "These ladies are being hired to test some new candy
in the nearby candy factory. Since you can't chew, I'm afraid we can't use
you!"
The little old lady smiled and winked at the officer and said, "It is
true that I can't chew the candy. But with my tongue, I can do a hell
of a job licking it!!!!"
english.178dejanr,
THE LAW AS IT SHOULD BE !
One evening after leaving the theater , 2 men were walking down the
street when they saw a well dressed , attractive young lady walking
ahead of them. One of the men said "I would give fifty bucks to spend a
night with her." To their surprise the young lady overheard the remark and
said "I'll take you up on that.".
The following morning the man presented her with a $25 bill and
prepared to leave.She demanded the rest of the amount saying "if you do
not pay the balance i'll sue you". The man laughed and said "I would like
to see you do it on those grounds."
He was surprised to receive a summons to appear in court as defendant
for the balance of the bill plus damages and cost. He explained the
details of the affair to to his lawyer. However the lawyer said she had
not the slightest possibility of getting the judgment but it would be
interesting to see how the case was presented in court.
After the usual preliminaries the ladies lawyer addressed the court
as follows: "Your honour , my client , this lady is the owner of a
property , a garden spot , surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery,
which agreed to lend to the defendant for a specific length of time for
$50. The defendant took possession of the property and used it for
extensively for the purpose for which it was intended, but on vacating the
premises he paid only $25 on behalf of the amount agreed upon. The rest
was not excessive since it was restricted property , therefore we ask for
the judgment agianst the defendant."
The defending lawyer was impressed and amazed at the way his opponent
planned it. "Your honour , he said , my client agress that a certain
amount of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However ,my client
found a well around wich he placed somes stones and erected a pump, all
labour was personally performed bt him . We claim the improvements to the
property were sufficient to effect the unpaid amount.The plaintiff was
already compensated for the rental of the said property, we therefore ask
for the claim to be dismissed.
The young ladies lawyer came back with this "Your honour my client
agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property and that he did
make the improvements declared. However had the defendant not known the
well existed he would not have harvrested the property. Also on vacating
the premises the defendent removed the stones, pulled out the shaft ,
removed the pump and took them with him. In doing so he not only dragged
his equipment through the shrubbery, but he leftthe hole much bigger than
it was prior to his occupancy, making it accessible to little children. We
therefore ask the judgemnet in favour of us."
JUDGE: Judgement reserved for a visit to the property.
After visiting the property:
Judge:Defendent is asked to pay for the
damage and costs as claimed , within 24 hours, after which time if
payment is not made he will be thrown into the well with his stones and
his shaft and be required to do the pumping of the well at the leisure of
the plaintiff.
CASE FINALISED.
From....
THE EDGE (Version 2).
english.179dejanr,
:-) humor.
:-> humor variation.
%-} humor variation.
:-( sad.
:-< sad variation.
%-{ sad variation.
:_) tongue in cheek
:-! foot in mouth
<:-) for dumb questions.
(:-) for messages dealing with bicycle helmets.
(8-) for messages dealing with owls.
d:-) for messages dealing with baseball.
d :-o hats off to your great idea
q:-) for those who wear their caps backwards.
@= for messages dealing with nuclear war.
o>-<|= for messages of interest only to women.
~= a candle, to annotate flaming messages.
oo for somebody's head-lights are on messages.
;-) say no more, nudge nudge.
:-$ put your money where your mouth is
>:-> leer
;-} leer? (terminal dependent)
|-<> kissy face
:-| man playing an harmonica
O:-) for those innocent souls
[:|] from a robot (or other appropriate AI project)
:>) from someone with a big nose
:<| from someone who attends an Ivy League school
:%)% from someone with acne
=:-) from a hosehead
:-(*) from someone who is about to vomit
:-)8 from someone who is well dressed
8:-) from a little girl
:-)-{8 from a big girl
#-) from someone who partied all night
%-\ from someone hungover
:-* from someone who just ate a sour pickle
-:-) from someone who sports a mohawk and admires Mr. T
:-'| from someone who has a cold
:-)' from somone who tends to drool
':-) from someone who accidentally shaved off one of his eyebrows
8:] from a gorilla
(:)-) from someone wearing scuba mask
P-) from someone getting fresh
|-) from someone who is falling asleep
.-) from someone with one eye
:=) from someone with two noses
:-D from someone who talks too much
Miscellaneous:
(-:|:-) Siamese twins
:~/ Really mixed up
the invisible man
{:\/ sounds like a duck
.\/ duck variation
:-0
|:-O
%+{ from the loser of a fight
___
/ \
| RIP |
|_____| from someone who is dead
-------
Index #2
The Unofficial Smilie Dictionary --------------------------------
:-) Your basic smilie. This smilie is used to inflect a sarcastic or
joking statement since we can't hear voice inflection over Unix.
;-) Winky smilie. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark.
More of a "don't hit me for what I just said" smilie.
:-( Frowning smilie. User did not like that last statement or is upset
or depressed about something.
:-I Indifferent smilie. Better than a Frowning smilie but not quite as
good as a happy smilie.
:-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than a :-).
>:-> User just made a really devilish remark.
>;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made.
Those are the basic ones...Here are some somewhat less common ones:
(-: User is left handed
%-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours straight
:*) User is drunk
[:] User is a robot
8-) User is wearing sunglasses
B:-) Sunglasses on head
::-) User wears normal glasses
B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses
8:-) User is a little girl
:-)-8 User is a Big girl
:-{) User has a mustache
:-{} User wears lipstick
{:-) User wears a toupee
}:-( Toupee in an updraft
:-[ User is a Vampire
:-E Bucktoothed vampire
:-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing
:-7 User juust made a wry statement
:-* User just ate something sour
:-)~ User drools
:-~) User has a cold
:~-( User is crying
:~-) User is so happy, s/he is crying
:-@ User is screaming
:-# User wears braces
:^) User has a broken nose
:v) User has a broken nose, but it's the other way
:_) User's nose is sliding off of his face
:<) User is from an Ivy League School
:-& User is tongue tied.
=:-) User is a hosehead
-:-) User is a punk rocker
-:-( (real punk rockers don't smile)
:=) User has two noses
+-:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office
`:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning
,:-) Same thing...other side
|-I User is asleep
|-O User is yawning/snoring
:-Q User is a smoker
:-? User smokes a pipe
O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (or else, user is a scuba diver)
O :-) User is an angel (at heart, at least)
:-P Nyahhhh! (sticking out tongue)
:-S User just made an incoherent statement
:-D User is laughing (at you!)
:-X User's lips are sealed
:-C User is really bummed
<|-) User is Chinese
<|-( User is Chinese and doesn't like these kind of jokes
:-/ User is skeptical
C=:-) User is a chef
@= User is pro-nuclear war
*<:-) User is wearing a Santa Claus Hat
:-o Uh oh!
(8-o It's Mr. Bill!
*:o) And Bozo the Clown!
3:] Pet smilie
3:[ Mean Pet smilie
d8= Your pet beaver is wearing goggles and a hard hat.
E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator
:-9 User is licking his/her lips
%-6 User is braindead
[:-) User is wearing a walkman
(:I User is an egghead
<:-I User is a dunce
K:P User is a little kid with a propeller beenie
@:-) User is wearing a turban
:-0 No Yelling! (Quiet Lab)
:-: Mutant Smilie
The invisible smilie
-) User only has one eye
,-) Ditto...but he's winking
X-( User just died 8
:-) User is a wizard
C=}>;*{)) Mega-Smilie... A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an updraft,
a mustache, and a double chin
Smilies Index #3
:-` smiley spitting out its chewing tobacco
:-1 smiley bland face
:-! "
:-@ smiley face screaming
:-#| smiley face with bushy mustache
:-$ smiley face with it's mouth wired shut
:-% smiley banker
:-6 smiley after eating something sour
:^) smiley with pointy nose (righty)
:-7 smiley after a wry statement
8-) smiley swimmer
:-* smiley after eating something bitter
:-& smiley which is tongue-tied
:-0 smiley orator
smiley invisible man
(:- unsmiley frowning
(:-) smiley big-face
)8-)A scuba smiley big-face
=:-) smiley punk-rocker
=:-( (real punk rockers don't smile)
+:-) smiley priest
:-q smiley trying to touch its tongue to its nose
:-e disappointed smiley
:-t cross smiley
:-i semi-smiley
:-o smiley singing national anthem
:-p smiley sticking its tongue out (at you!)
:-[ un-smiley blockhead
:-] smiley blockhead
:-{ smiley variation on a theme
:-} ditto
{:-) smiley with its hair parted in the middle
}:-) above in an updraft
:-a lefty smilely touching tongue to nose
:-s smiley after a BIZARRE comment
:-d lefty smiley razzing you
g-) smiley with ponce-nez glasses
:-j left smiling smilely
:-k beats me, looks like something, tho.
:-l y. a. s.
:-: mutant smiley
:-\ undecided smiley
:-| "have an ordinary day" smiley
;-) winking smiley
:-< real sad smiley
:-> y.a.s.
:-z y.a.c.s.
:-x "my lips are sealed" smiley
:-c bummed out smiley
:-v talking head smiley
:v) left-pointing nose smiley
:-b left-pointing tongue smiley
:-/ lefty undecided smiley
:-? smilely smoking a pipe
.-] one-eyed smilely
,-} wry and winking
0-) smiley cyclops (scuba diver?)
:-=) older smiley with mustache
:u) smiley with funny-looking left nose
:n) smiley with funny-looking right nose
:< midget unsmiley
:> midget smiley
}:^#}) mega-smiley: updrafted bushy-mustached pointy nosed smiley with
a double-chin
:-) ha ha
~~:-( net.flame
|-) hee hee
O |-) net.religion
|-D ho ho
:-> hey hey
8 :-I net.unix-wizards
:-( boo hoo
X-( net.suicide
:-I hmm
E-:-I net.ham-radio
:-O uh oh
>:-I net.startrek
:-P nyah nyah
3:o[ net.pets
|-P yuk
:-} beard
:-{ mustache
:-# braces
:-)X bow tie
:-Q smoker
<:I dunce
(:I egghead
@:I turban
8-) glasses
B-) horn-rims
8:-) glasses on forehead
:-8( condescending stare
;-) wink
>:-< mad
Midget Smilies
A lot of these can be typed without noses to make midget smilies.
(I prefer these, as the "real" smilie has no nose anyway)
:) Midget smilie
:] Gleep...a friendly midget smilie who will gladly be your friend
=) Variation on a theme...
:} What should we call these? (what?)
:) Happy
:> what?
:@ what?
:D Laughter
:I Hmmm...
:( Sad
:[ Real Downer
:< what?
:{ what?
:O Yelling
:C what?
:Q what?
:,( Crying
[] Hugs and
:* Kisses
|I Asleep
|^o Snoring
:-( Drama
:-) Comedy
:-o Surpise
8-| Suspense
:- Male
>- Female
|-O Birth
8-# Death
8 Infinity
And a few I've seen, not listed above:
o/ raised hand
\o/ PTL (praise the lord, or pass the loot?)
_\\// Vulcan salute
( o ) ( o ) hooters
Some people on America Online are using unrotated smilies:
^L^ happy
^(^ " variation
@l@ too many hours at terminal
*L* blotto
^)^ ^(^ two people talking
For use in realtime chats:
::Denotes an action by sender::
::poof::
::Eating pizza::
(Denotes thinking out loud to oneself or annotation to comments)
(oh)
(now I see it)
A wrd correction to previous send:
Wrd = word
[name] = Hug
{name} warm fuzzy hug
LOL = Laughing Out Loud
OTF = On The Floor (Laughing)
ROTFL = Rolling On The Floor Laughing
AFK = Away From Keyboard
BAK = Back At Keys
BRB = Be Right Back
NIFOC = Nude In Front Of Computer
Still more smilies:
:-d~ submitter smokes heavily
Q:-) submitter is a new grad
(-: submitter is Australian
M:-) submitter is saluting (symbol of respect)
8) submitter is a frog
B) submitter is a frog who is wearing sunglasses
8P submitter is a bullfrog and it's mating season
8b ditto
|) submitter is a salamander
:8) submitter is a pig
3:-o submitter is a cow
:3-< submitter is a dog
pp# submitter is a cow
pq`#' submitter is a bull
}. submitter is an elephant
`\
+O:-) submitter is the pope.
C=:-) submitter is the Galloping Gourmet
=):-) submitter is Uncle Sam
=|:-) submitter is Abe Lincoln
4:-) submitter is George Washington
5:-) submitter is Elvis Presley
7:-) submitter is Fred Flintstone
submitter is Helen Keller
:/7) submitter is Cyrano de Bergerac
>:*) submitter is Bozo the Clown
#:o+= submitter is Betty Boop
_:^) submitter is an Indian
>>-O-> submitter is Gen. Custer
8(:-) submitter is Walt Disney
>:^( submitter is a headhunter (Amazon style)
-=#:-) submitter has wizard status
(: (=| submitter is going to be a ghost for Halloween...
=:-H submitter plays for NFL
(V)=| submitter is a pacman champion
M-),:X),:-M submitter sees no evil, hears no evil, speaks no evil
C):-O
C):-O
C):-O
C):-O submitter is a barbershop quartet
>:-( is sick and tired of reading this nonsense
;^? has punched out for submitting sexist article
|-O is bored by the article that you submitted
*-) is was shot for the last posting
~~\8-O needs to fix frayed cord on terminal
8-O has taken too many nodoz to work on thesis
L:-) just graduated
$-) just won the lottery
:-@ is extremely angry
:-)' tends to drool
:-o is shocked
B-)-[< is wearing sunglasses and swimming trunk
:-# has been punched in the mouth
R-) has broken glasses
:-7 talks out of side of mouth
%') finished fifth of lunch
:-(O) is yelling
. .
| is lying down
|:-) has heavy eyebrows
{:-) has new hair style
{:-{)} has new hair style, mustache and beard
(:-) has no hair
:~) has ugly nose (needs nose job)
:-E has major dental problems
C:-) has large brain capacity
:-) has mohawk
|:-| is excessively rigid
:-))) is very overweight
._) suffers from Lorentz contractions
:-G- smokes cigarettes
:-p~ smokes heavily
\:-) wears a french hat
]:-> is The Devil
8=:-) is a chef
$-) is a yuppie
{{-}}} is a refugee from the '60's
0-) is a cyclops
:<() is an African tribesman
<:-) is a Vietnamese peasant (unlikely)
=:-) is a hosehead
_____ is a computer
|O-O|
|:::|
Animals:
:V woodpecker
) Cheshire cat.
3:-o cow
~~~~8} snake
Well hope you enjoy the list of smileys...
Paul Martineau
K279371@Pavo.concordia.Ca
english.180dejanr,
NMSU (right outside of El Paso - In NM) was doing a
genetic engineering experiment. They wanted to mate a
human male and a female Gorilla. Not surprisingly, none of the
Grad. student would have sex with the Gorilla. So they put an
ad in the paper that read:
TEST SUBJECT WANTED
$500.00
Apply at NMSU GE Lab
So the people in the lab waited and waited until several weeks
later when a very thin man wearing cowboy boots, hat, and jeans
walks in. "Are ya'all the ones that posted that-there ad?" asked the
man. "Yes," said the secratary,"can I help you?"
" What do I have to do?"
"You have to have sex with the Gorilla."
"And thats it?"
"That's all."
"Let me think about it for a couple of days." said the Texan, "and it
was $500?"
" That's correct. 500 Dollars." replied the secratary.
A couple of days later the man returned. The secratary greeted the
man and asked him if he had decided.
"I have decided to do be in your experiment - on three conditions."
"Ok," said the woman," what are they?"
"First: The child will be named after me - Slim.
Second: It must be raised in the lone star state of Texas.
and Third: You'll have to give me a couple of days to
come up with the 500 dollars."
english.181dejanr,
A very attractive lady was standing in a bus line and was wearing a very
tight dress that buttoned up in the back. When the lady's turn came to
get on the bus, as much as she tried she couldn't lift herself up because
her dress was too tight.
The lady decided to open up one of the lower buttons of her dress. After
having done that, she tried once again to get on the bus but the dress was
still too tight. She opened another button and tried without any luck to
get on the bus. This happened a few times.
Finally, as the lady reached to open up yet another button, the big fellow
who was standing behind her in line leaned over and whispered in her ear,
"Look here lady! If you're planning on openning up another one of my pants'
buttons, you'd better get yourself ready for an automatic ejection into
the bus!!!"
english.182mifko,
Srela se dva lopova. I naravno dodje do toga kako im ide poso. Prvi
kaze:"Ma lose, ljudi imaju sve manje para, nikako mi bre ne ide
dzeparenje, a ovi murijaneri stegli li stegli". A drugi ce:"Pa budalo
jedna dodji kod mene R.. kod Stanka R., kradem, kradem i vise ne mogu
da stignem da sve pokradem, pa mi treba pomocnik. A sto se tice
murijanera, evo sutra treba da dobijem orden, i to bas od njih, jer
vise ne moraju da paze na mene sta cu da uradim jer je sve po
zakonu".
___________________________________________________________________
Razgovaraju dva crvena. Prvi ce:"Gde se bre zuris toliko, pa nece ti
zatvoriti radnju ispred nosa, jer rade do 11." "Ma vidi bre vec je 10
minuta do sedam sati, moze neko da glasa za Slobu pre mene"-odgovara
drugi. Al sam te preso ja sam glasao jos juce, pa ce Sloba mom necaku
dati stan od 200 kvadrata, jer sam prvi glasao za njega, a ne tvom
onom sestricu, koji i onako ima vec jedan boracki od 120kvadrata.
english.183kvelkovski,
What's the difference between a pregnant women and a light bulb?
- You can always unscrew the light bulb.
english.184dejanr,
This documentation came with a computer, English on one side, Korean
(I believe the manufacturer is in Korea) on the other. I hope it makes
more sense in Korean. All spelling errors are theirs.
When connected to led display please note following points:
1. How to connect the cable connector
A. When connect turbo led connector to led display card please note
the other connector which connected to your M/B please check on
the M/B is turbo led signed + or -, if yes please pin to pin connected
to the display card and turbo led on M/B.
B. If turbo led still not work that means your triggle pin on M/B does
not connected in turbo led connector so please check with your M/B
manual to find the triggle pin + or -, then pin to pin connected to
your turbgo led connector on display card. (If you don't know which
pin is the triggle pin then you have to try and error)
C. How to connected power cable to display card: There is 2 pin con-
nector cable red and black, red color stand + (+5v), black color
stand - (GND).
english.185dejanr,
Likely a true story:
The Sunday School class was talking about Noah and the rainbow and
a little girl spoke up: "God paints the rainbow with his left hand."
The teacher thought this cute and replied, "Well, I imagine God can
paint the rainbow with either hand." The little girl insisted that
he must paint it with his left hand. "Jesus is sitting on his right
hand."
Cute as hell, ain'it?
english.186dejanr,
Q: What animal has an asshole half-way up its back?
A: A police horse.
english.187dejanr,
A girl and her boyfriend arrive at her home late from a party, and find
that her parents have already gone to bed, and turned all the lights out.
Being in an aroused state, she sneaks him into her bedroom, and they start
a little cuddling. She warns him, though, not to make a noise, otherwise
her father will wake up and kill both of them.
After a short while, they disrobe, but before they start making love, he
says that he needs to go to the toilet.
"You can't use the toilet -- it's right next to my parents' room".
"But I've got to.""
"Hmmm... oh well, just tiptoe down the corridor, and use the kitchen sink".
She lies there, waiting, and waiting, and waiting... and suddenly, there's
a crash of pots falling.
She whispers urgently "What are you doing???"
He whispers back frantically "I can't find the paper".
english.188dejanr,
German joke.
There was a Mercedes driver, an Opel driver and a Ford driver who all
went parachuting together. The Mercedes driver jumped first, pulled the
cord and gently floated down. The Opel driver jumped next, pulled his
cord and gently floated down. The Ford driver then jumped, pulled his
cord and nothing happened, pulled the emergency cord and nothing
happened. He went shooting past the Opel driver who upon seeing him
go past said, "Nothing overtakes me", and promptly unharnessed his
parachute.
english.189dejanr,
It seems there was a captain in the KGB whose stupid son had great
difficulty understanding the concepts of the Party, the Motherland,
the Unions and the People. The captain told the boy to think of his
father as the Party, his mother as the Motherland, his grandmother
as the Unions and himself as the People. Still the boy did not under-
stand. In a rage the father locked the boy in a wardrobe in the
parental bedroom. That night the boy was still in the wardrobe when
the father started to make love to the mother. The boy watching
through the keyhole said, "Now I understand! The Party rapes the Motherland
while the Unions sleep and the People stand and suffer".
english.190dejanr,
I think goofy humans will do nicely.
The streets are swept, da bins are emptied, but this is not the work of the
Trumpton fire brigade.
Yonks! Caffine frenzy!
I'd rather eat Poodle kak than Fleetwood Mac.
Truly he is da son of Pob.
I smashed my head, wet my knickers and bit a bar stool on the leg.
Straight and alert, I'll drink to that.
Holy relics in brine Batman, do you really give head.
Shake your thang! Get on down! Hot lovin' Mr. One-Eye is back in town.
Sounds like the donkey can dig a tunnel.
Rummage thru ya undies Sir ?
The eyes of Bonny Langford are on me.
Bubble car bastard squad.
Ya see this jar of bumble bees? Well gimme a drink or I'll let 'em loose.
Rustle ma cow-poke.
More of de pork from Limey in New York.
Yeah! I seen Elvis down the boozer in full L.A. gear and a dong like a cruiser.
I want, I want home baked locust drippin' with gravy.
Three strands of cress and a whole fried prune. I kill cowboys with old trusty
spoon.
Hey Gringo, you wanna eat banana from pussy.
Whisky, beer and all the rest. Down 'em all and pee ma vest.
Chuffin, chunder, loud as thunder.
Manic ears, Dwarf beers.
The foul stench of unwashed clowns.
I've sucked my dry like an old bags gash, and thats official.
Okay guv, it's a fair crap.
Waah! Furious fashion cruelty.
Well nurse it's the worst case of Brugieytus I've ever seen.
Don't patronise me you shit, I'm going to cut your goddamn blue balls off.
Ooh! Pump me for info officer.
Mmm, young girls.. aah, with eyes like potatoes.
They walk down my nose into my mouth and down into my stomach, where they
re-enact famous murder trials throughout history.
Groovy boys, they don't care, they eat their greens and brush their hair.
Fee, Fum, Fickle Fee, by the the virgin vest of old Bruce Lee.
On the dole to get free coal.
Pants are no good unless they stick to the wall after you've taken them off.
Can you hear the sound of the enormous incontinence bag bursting.
Rakish homosexual trousers.
Fist 'o' iron, nose of putty, groovy boys is awfully smutty.
Your're a tramp, a drunk and an unfit mother.
Sir, sir, come quickly! Blatant rip-offs at 12 oclock sighted.
No ginger haired freaks stinking of figs. Gonna round 'em all up and shoot
'em like pigs.
Mine! Mine! My rubbery chicken.
Don't cream on my latrine.
english.191dejanr,
SKATE TOP 10 FACTS.
1) They are not related in anyway to grasshoppers.
2) They do not need feding after (or even before) midnight.
3) When skateboards and the old Bill meet, old Mr. Willy gets mucho
angry bastardish.
4) They do not taste good even when fried.
5) They are the creations of the Grand Emperor Ming the Merciless.
6) Usually they are bits of trees.
7) They have personal vendettas against kerbs.
8) They are bloody highly priced.
9) They begin life as fingerboards the grow through freestyle, street
and ramp size until they become long boards and promptly retire.
10) They make good pets and are guarenteed not to shit in your house.
HOW TO MAKE YOUR SKATEBOARD LIGHTER.
1. Go and get your skateboard
2. Speed across the kitchen and pop an ollie onto the table
3. Get screamed at by your mum
4. Run out to the garage and nick your dads toolbox
5. Take off trucks and risers etc.
6. Get pissed off 'cos the nuts are all rusty and rounded
7. Fart a well known tune backwards
8. Go to the freezer and nick the lid off an ice-cream box
9. Get whacked on the head by mums wooden spoon
10. Hide for 10 minutes and then go back to garage
11. Bolt one truck on the ice-cream box lid
12. GO SKATE
13. Fall off and break at least two bones14. Blaspheme for at least two minutes
15. Crawl into the nearest drain and play with your willy for 5 years
16. Advantage - Lighter board
Disadvantage - It don't f**kin' work
WHATS FOOL WHATS COOL
* felt tip crosses on * real tattoos in places
back of hands where it shows
* up turned crucifixes * happy shopper t-shirts
* "witty scousers" * drunk welshmen
* comfy baseball boots * hard-as-nails jack boots
* Amsterdam * any Soviet block city
* dancing to bands * heckling the sods
* skate shorts * cut off long johns
* Night Network * Married With Children
* Acid,House + Soul * Ska, Two-Tone + Guitars
* skatebording in general * just about anything without wheels
english.192dejanr,
TEN WHEEZES TO GET YOU INTO GIGS FOR FUCK ALL.
1) Phone up the concert hall, saying your're from the local free
advertiser rag and you want to do a whopping great feature on the venue,
but you can only make it along tonight, so you "might as well" see the
band as well. (Good for those with the gift 'o' gab.)
2) Alternatively, find out the name of the local paper's poncey old
rock 'critic' as they're always on the guest list. Use it early in the
evening while said hack is still being a mosterous old wino down the pub
3) Swipe your big bro's "LED ZEP WORLD TOUR 73" T-shirt, stuff a pillow
down the front for a wobbly beergut. Then wipe yourself down with a
greasy old sock, pour brown ale down your trousers and pass yourself
off as a roadie.
4) Find out which pub the band are getting sloshed in before the show,
swagger in looking mournful saying "well I used to go and see blah, blah
all the time when they played down the Dog and Cuttlefish, but MAN! The
ticket prices now... not like the old days... moan, gripe...". Bands are
complete suckers for pleasing long standing fans, will feel all guilty
about "selling out", and will instantly give you a back-stage pass so
you can go and drink their beer and fondle their groupies.
5) Leggit round and round the concert hall, find the toilet window,
clamber through, find it's the girlies loo and get brutally thrown out
for being a collosal pervvie.
6) Stand outside grovelling like a good 'un for "spare change". Get
pee'd off after you collect just 39p (and a greek coin). Beat up a small
person and steal their ticket.
7) Gather together a band of oppressed type punters, storm the
"imperialist lackeys" shoutig old beardo politico cliches, while the
kids take a good hammering from the bouncers sneak in and lose one
million karma points.
8) Spot some bod flogging unofficial band merchandise outside, tell the
security (who'll proceed to chase him down the road with baseball bats),
then get a pat on the head and a free entry for being a dirty grass.
9) Start blubbing and crying in front of the queue outside until some
foxy chick takes pity on you and gives you a spare ticket (and a bit
of the other later if your're a lucky cuss).
10) If all else fails, phone the venue, saying your're a mad-as-a-brush
veggie bomber or something and that you've planted a monumental
incendiary device in the building. You don't get to see the show but
neither does any other bastard.
english.193dejanr,
Listen to da sound of the big bone loaf! Adong or a mong, they'll suit me both.
I'm still alive -- I'm inside -- inside of what?
All the nice boys like an organic puppet doused in petrol.
I see London, I see France, I see Mongoose in underpants.
I said, I said, I said I got no balls.
Fuck, I hate trees.
Gadzooks, pecka party.
Be Bop A Lula, put my baby in a melon press, so fuckin A.
And its lend me ten pounds and I'll wack one up ya bum. And mother wake me up
early in the morning.
Snoggers tumble from the sky!! But I just slice pie.
Psst! They say the flies are as big as onions.
Da filth, da filth, da discount can 'o' beans.
I love creaming on a cucumber.
Can't be done missus. Sold it of to old star trekker.
Hey! Colour me in nude.
Can you hear the sound of the enormous clown car falling apart in the depths of
hell.
Me and pa we just hang loose. For a jolly good gobble, me give juice.
Then they break for recess and lay eggs in my pancreas.
Dunkin Donuts of the world unite, cover me wiv ya creamy fillings and squidge
all night.
Mom! Mom1 Come quick the cats taking heroin again.
I not tall. But better a little one which wriggle than a large one which sleep.
No scape goose I will be. For with the blood of baby lamb I spike thee tea.
Get ya tits oot for the lambs.
And we're one dimensional! I feel all wobbly.
Oh thank god, vibrator repair is here.
For christs sake, look, muppets on motorbikes all dripping with chod.
Cheroot, three squares a day and all da piss you can drink.
Bless the sky, by jove, indeed, ha ha sexface.
I like punk, I like sham. I got nicked for sexing spam.
Hubba Hubba. The king is dead, but shed no tear...for he has risen in full
easter bunny gear.
Can I say "Puss faced little pimp stick goose" now? No! Ah well...
Peckie-de-peck. Peckie-de-peck.
Fuck off, you stink of piss.
Just ya wait till the teeth men get here.
Bucket head bonk in shed.
How can I get rid of stretch marks?
People who live in glass houses shouldn't have sex on the carpet.
Now you've done it, I'm as mad as a goose on stilts.
Hands aloft, the one who's choffed.
I love rock 'n' roll, strip me down and grease my pole.
Fat and sassy, just eaten lassy.
Tractor men, they know all. Bring your own truss, we'll have a ball.
Beware my son of the furiously pert balloons.
Chicken pot pie. Chicken pot pie. I wanna chicken pot pie.
Fuck this and fuck that. Fuck it all and gimme back my fuckin' rubber mat.
Rattle snake trowel.
Casual sex. Fisheye spex.
Good gracious. Speckledy eggs by the gross,
Welcome to the pleasure gnome.
You take one step closer and I'll slit your throat, you mung encrusted
camel fucker.
Bubble car, bee in jar.
Pig in suspenders being bummed by alien benders.
Slap up wobble bottom.
I already did. Now I hear music in through my feet.
My brain is awash with guilt and swimming in a sea of tacks.
Like a virgin, jostled by mad balloons for the very first time.
Remember kids, don't eat dung so soft you don't enjoy it.
I would gladly sell my parents into white slavery to purchase one of these.
At three o'clock every night bugs come out of the floor and climb up my back
and down the part in my hair.
Sucker ass goose, your time is up.
The moment I wake up I put on a little make up and spill my wad over you.
s'right.
A dozen hot kippers and a plate of your famous buttered mong.
Amazin'! Toads the size of chocolate taxis.
Porridge enamas for all concerned.
Bring on de dancin' gurlz wiv wackin' great tits. Here another dose of eurobitz
Sex, drugs and postman pat mugs.
De fluff ya navel madam.
Noddy and Big Ears, Lord Snooty makes three. All in pervert trousers and
stinking of Brie.
MORE LATER !!!
english.194dejanr,
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/ ' Toxic Custard| Workshop Files ` \
/ ' Number 30|- 7/1/91 | \ `
' | | ` `
MEET THE K.G.B.
Following the spread of Glasnost throughout Europe, the KGB will open
its doors next week to the public for an open day. The new "caring"
KGB wants to show you how they are no longer trying to being the onset
of the demise of Western civilisation. Call into your local KGB
hideout today to find out more details. Or drop into an American
embassy or government office, go to a wall and shout into it that you
want more information into it (remember to say your address as well).
A coded leaflet written in invisible ink will be despatched to your
home by the next post.
During the KGB Open Day, you can see:
- the very latest in bugging equipment, now available for commercial use
- this winter season's umbrellas, all specially imported from Czechoslovakia
- new developments in high-velocity bullets
- for the kiddies - try out the torture chamber on your little sister!
Call now, on (**) ***-****
GALACTIC TELEPHONE COMMISSION - INTERPLANETARY DIAL DIRECT (IDD)
----------------------------------------------------------------
To Direct Dial: a. Dial 0029, the Intergalactic Access Code, then
b. the planet code, then
c. the country code, then
d. the area code, then
e. the telephone number.
For example, to call the Wangazoon people of Mantanjax 5 in the city of
Froz, dial 0029 - 207 - 17 - 213 - and the local telephone number.
Note that unless you speak Wangazoonian, you may need to purchase an
additional translator module.
Meanwhile, far away in the Andes, the author discovered a piece of parchment
which was found to contain none other than the telephone number he had been
looking for. With a hop, skip and an air-fare, he had arrived at a telephone
box, only to be greeted by a ten-foot-high raw carrot with a handlebar
moustache.
The carrot (which was later found to be made of extruded poly-vinyl
and glouro-wankizade) stood motionless, as he consoled it with a rather
large cricket bat (with a brick attached to one end). And burst into song
with the next bit:
SMILEY FASHION REPORT IN BRIEF
This Summer, short is IN!
So, get rid of your daggy old :-) 's, and start stocking
up on the new, dynamic :)
SPORT REPORT
And now a look ahead to the game of January 15th, between the
Coca-Cola Desertshield Yankees, and the Sadam Giants. The arena for
this showdown will be the Kuwaiti Football Arena, and despite the low
spectator turn-out expected, the worlds' press will be there to
report on the game.
There are threats that the game will be cancelled; rumours persist
that team coaches may organise a deal to split the prize trophy (The
Kuwait Cup) in two. But should the game go ahead, both sides are
confident of victory. We spoke to Yankees coach George Bush from his
club-house in Washington.
"We want that trophy, an' we sure as hell are gonna kick those boys
butts all the way back to their changin' room... And there ain't no-one
gonna stop us!" he said. He denied that there would be a repeat performance
of their last major tournament, when the Yankees lost to the Ho Chi Minh
All-Stars. "It'll only take us ten minutes to prepare, and then we'll be
ready for them."
The Giants coach was unavailable for comment, but a spokesman said
that "if the game goes ahead, we will step on their heads. That is OUR
trophy, and we also demand that the Arafat United Football Team be
re-awarded their the medal that was taken from them by Shamir Hotspurs."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This has been TCWF#30, a production of the Confederation of Citizens
against Volvo Parking-lights. Written in its entirety (except for the
letter `a' in the third paragraph) by *ME*. Complaints, comments
etc to rec.humor.d please (or mail). *NOW AVAILABLE* The Bestestestest
of Toxic Custard (Vol.1) - six-hundred and twenty-five lines of crap!
To receive it, or to get TCWF direct through e-mail, just mail
vac122g@vx24.cc.monash.edu.au
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUITE POSSIBLY COMING SOON TO TCWF:
- An entire joke written exclusively for the American market
- Othello and Desdemona have a minor domestic squabble over the VCR
--
DANIEL BOWEN, Monash University |I think some people are like soft-boiled eggs.
somewhere in Melbourne Australia| Beneath the hard exterior, they're all soft
vac122g@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au | and gooey. And some people are like fried
vac122g@vx24.cc.monash.edu.au | eggs; they're turned over easy... [DAAS]
english.195dejanr,
A Mismatched Pair of Gloves
... A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart,
and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department
store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a
pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got
mixed up. The sister got the gloves, and the sweetheart got the
panties. Without checking the contents, the man sealed the
package and sent it to her with this note...
Dearest Darling,
This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten your
birthday. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in
the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it
had not been for your younger sister's advice, I would have
chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short
ones that are very easy to remove. These are a delicate shade,
but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been
wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had the
sales girl try them on, and she really looked smart. I wish I
could put them on you for the time. No doubt that other men's
hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to
see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from
wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them, or they
might shrink. I hope you will like them, and will wear them for
me on Friday night!
All my love....
P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming
year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with
the fur showing.
english.196dejanr,
The best line I've ever heard actually used in such a situation was
when I was in a friends clapped out old mini van. The speedo on this van
had ceased to work a long while back and we were stopped.The conversation
started:
Police Officer: "Do you know how fast you were going Sir?"
Driver:"I'm not absolutely sure officer the speedo doesn't work and
I was estimating the speed from fuel consumption"
It turns out that we were only stopped for a dodgy brake light but
after that little start-off several other offences were taken into account.
--------------
A friend of a friend of a.... was pulled over by the #%*!ing cops and prompted
with the well know question,
"Mr., do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
To which he replied,
"No sir, my FEDERALLY MANDATED speedometer only goes up to 85 mph."
--------------
If you live here in Southern California try hittin' him with this line:
"What seems to be the PROBLEM, PONCHERRELLO?"
For added effect, make sure you have a New York Driver's license and
use a good, strong Brooklyn accent - You'll be down at the station in no time.
--------------
Reminds me of an old, true story, told by my brother-in-law.
One of his friends, also a cab driver!!!, got stopped by the
cops. They asked to see his flying certificate (har, har, funny
cop, right?). Well, he DID have a certificate, and that's what
he showed them.
They let him go....
--------------
Well, if you get stopped for speeding in Georgia, and the cop asks you "When
was the last time you saw something moving that fast through the South?",
DON'T answer "Sherman."
too ashamed to add a sig...
english.197dejanr,
The questions remind me of two events that happened during the Napoleonic
wars in Europe. At Napoleon's birthday everybody had to put candles in the
window, to celebrate the emperor's birthday.
The churches in Rome did not like the idea, so they set up the candles such
that they form the letters INRI. When taken to respondability by the occupying
authorities, they answered that they meant:
Imperator Napoleon Rex Italiae (=Emperor Napoleon King of Italy)
A German went even further. He set up his candles in the shape ZWANG
(= duress). His explanation was that this stands for:
Zur Weihe An Napoleons Geburtstag (= As a celebration of Napoleon's
Birthday)
Gabor Hetyei
english.198dejanr,
Some tasteless jokes:
What's smaller than a teeny-weeny flea?
A flea's teeny weenie.
What happens when a Vulcan woman's tampon fails?
She gets Toxic Spock Syndrome.
Hear about the blind skunk who tried to rape a fart?
How can you tell when you've passed an elephant?
The toilet gets clogged.
Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?
So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
Hear about the new Quayle bond available on Wall Street?
It has no interest, no principal, and no maturity.
What's a baby before it's born?
Daddy's little squirt.
What's the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?
A hematologist pricks your finger...
What do you call E.T. with no morals?
E.Z.
Why do men swim faster than women?
Because they have a rudder.
What do you do when your Kotex catches fire?
Throw it on the floor and Tampon it.
Why do Mexicans eat beans every day?
So they can take a bubble bath at night.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.
Secretary: "May I use your Dictaphone?"
Boss: "Use your finger like everyone else."
Hear about the guy with the four-inch dick?
Some women like it, but others complain it's just too wide.
Hear about the retarded Arab terrorists?
They attacked the Special Olympics.
english.199dejanr,
My wife, bless her heart, is one of those sensitive people who feels
that minorities are continually being wronged here in America.
Some time ago, she got on the bandwagon about the imprisonment of
Japanese-Americans during world war II.
Over the holidays, there was a mention of this injustice during a
TV show we were watching, and she started up again. "There's even
one of those camps near here," she informed me.
"Is it still there?" I asked. "Or has some developer from Japan
turned it into a golf course?"
english.200dejanr,
This pair is going steady for some time. One day the he asks her to go with
him for a drive. After driving for 20 miles, he stops the car and
he: let's do IT.
she: No I don't want to.
he : Let's do IT or you walk back home.
She walks back home. At night she notes in her diary: "LEGS ARE THE BEST
FRIENDS OF A GIRL"
After a week he makes up with her and again they go for a drive. After driving
40 miles, he stops the car and
he: let's do IT.
she: No I don't want to.
he : Let's do IT or you walk back home.
She walks back home. At night she notes in her diary: "LEGS ARE THE BEST
FRIENDS OF A GIRL"
After a week he makes up with her and again they go for a drive. After driving
60 miles, he stops the car and
he: let's do IT.
she: No I don't want to.
he : Let's do IT or you walk back home.
She walks back home. At night she notes in her diary: "LEGS ARE THE BEST
FRIENDS OF A GIRL"
After a week he makes up with her and again they go for a drive. After driving
80 miles, he stops the car and
he: let's do IT.
She thinks walking back 80 miles is a pain so might as well......
At night when he leaves her home she notes in her diary
"LEGS ARE THE BEST FRIENDS OF A GIRL...but at times
best friends HAVE TO PART!!!"