english.903dejanr,
A joke my daughter brought home:
Q. What role did Ron Howard have in Star Wars?
A. Opie Wan Kenobi
english.904dejanr,
With all the cmments made about the line "You're no Jack Kennedy" made
regarding Dan Quayle, my mom thought up a comeback for him.
When someone says that to him, he can say...
"At least I got to keep MY Marilyn!"
english.905dejanr,
A friend who recently graduated from MIT and went to work in
California made this up, after several weeks of daily outages of the
net.
Top 10 less reliable networks than NSFnet's T3:
10. Cans tied together with string during a San Fran 8.5 earthquake.
9. The Arthritic's Morse Code net.
8. AT&T's net during a transparent software upgrade.
7. Bouncing signals off satellite, orbiting asteroid near Alpha Centauri.
6. "Great Valleys Of The World"'s semaphore net.
5. Chain-packet net (every time you get a packet, send off two more).
4. Using carrier mackerel across the Sahara.
3. Single Side Band transmitted from ground zero of a thermonuclear explosion.
2. 100 monkeys sending at random (by chance,
they'll eventually send the information you want sent).
1. L.A.'s smog signal net.
PS I'm entering this over the T3. It only took me 3 tries over 40 minutes.
english.906dejanr,
Two Scottish golfers are just about to putt out on the 16th green,
which is adjacent to a road, when suddenly a funeral procession passes by.
Whereupon one of the golfers, Mr. McGregor, interrupts his putting, takes
off his hat and bows to the procession. His partner says, "That was really
gentlemanly of you - paying your respects like that!"
McGregor: "Well, she WAS my wife for 25 years..."
----------
A Business man while out of town decided to play a little golf after a
short work day. He did not know any golfers in this town so he decided to
go out to the course and get paired up there. When he arrived there were no
guys ready to play but there was a very nice looking lady waiting for a
foursome. He decided (at the suggestion of the club) to pair up with the
lady. While playing the first 17 holes the two got to be real chummy but
were shooting as poor a game as either had seen in years. They were both
getting very frustrated with their games. On the 18th a par 4 the game was
about to finish on a good note as they both were on in 2. When they
arrived on the green they saw that this was the worst green that either had
ever seen. This green slopped away from the cup with a very rolling surface.
He was about twenty-nine feet away and she twenty-six. He looked over the
green and was very frustrated. He said, "If I make this shot I'll buy us
dinner tonight." He hit and the ball rolled over the bump down through
the grove around the short hill and up passed the cup and slowed. Just as
it looked as though he had missed the put, the slope of the green helped
and the ball rolled back into the cup. He made a great shot. Not to be
outdone the lady tried to line up her shot. She said, "If I make this
shot I'll invite you to my place for drinks after dinner." The guy
interrupted her put saying, "Wait! Let me help you line up the shot."
He walked all over the green trying to find the groove. He suddenly smiled
walked over to the ball, grabbed it up and said, "That is a gimmy if I ever
saw one."
----------
An avid, yet average, golfer was out playing one day, when his ball went
into a sand trap. As he entered the trap to play his shot, he noticed a
shiny object. Upon digging it up, he noticed it was a lamp. He rubbed the
lamp, and to his amazement, a genie appeared.
"Since you have released me from my lamp, I will grant you anything you
wish, but I must warn you, your sex life will suffer for 1 year."
The golfer thought for a moment, then replied, "That's ok, I
can handle it. I want to be the world's greatest golfer."
"Ok, " said the genie, "you're now the worlds greatest golfer",
and he disappeared back into the lamp.
The golfer took his sand shot, and to his amazement, it went in the hole.
For the next year, it was as the genie said, he was the world's greatest
golfer.
A year later, the man was playing the same course again, and the ball again
went into the sand trap. As he entered the trap, he again noticed the
lamp, so he picked it up and rubbed it. Sure enough, the genie appeared.
He looked at the golfer and asked, "You were here last year weren't you.
No one has ever come back a second time. Tell me, did your sex life really
suffer?"
Man - Well, I did only have sex 5 times last year ... but that's
not too bad for a priest from a small parish.
----------
A Pro is giving a golf lesson to a woman on the tee. She swings the club
and dubs the ball. The Pro sees that the problem is with her grip of the
club and says to her, "Try holding the club like you hold your
husband's....(you know)" "Oh" says the lady- takes out her driver using the
new grip and hits one 250 yards. "That's good", the Pro encourages, "but
try taking the club out of your mouth".
----------
Here are two short ones I heard a long time ago :
-- You fool! You almost hit my wife with that shot!
-- Sorry old chap! Here, take a shot at mine!
----------
-- Did you hear that the board fined me $50 for hitting my wife with a 9-iron?
-- Really, for conduct unbecoming a gentleman?
-- No, for using the wrong club.
----------
"Old golfers never die, they just lose their balls"
----------
Question: Why'd the golfer have 2 pairs of pants?
Answer: In case he got a hole-in-one.
----------
I attended a golf convention in San Diego over the winter and was somewhat
interested in the result of one particular study performed on golfers, in
particular, late afternoon league golfers. This study indicated that the
single gentlemen who play in these leagues are "skinnier" than the married
ones. The way this fact was determined was as follows: the single golfer
goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole,
goes home and goes to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there, so he
goes to bed. the married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a
"refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing
decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator.........
english.907dejanr,
This little ditty was given to me by an old girlfriend when I was in
college. I have no idea where it came from, or who originally wrote it.
One hint: This makes a whole lot more sense if you drink heavily before
reading it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brain Damage Quiz
Following is a quiz. Please answer all questions honestly, and to the best
of your ability, or your answers may not be honest, or to the best of your
ability.
1. t/f People tell me one thing one day and out the other.
2. t/f I can't unclasp my hands.
3. t/f I can wear my shirts as pants.
4. t/f I feel as much like I did yesterday as I do today.
5. t/f At parties, I like to sit by myself and collect a great deal
of saliva.
6. t/f I often mistake my hands for food.
7. t/f I'd rather eat soap than little stones.
8. t/f I never liked room temperature.
9. t/f I line my pockets with hot cheese.
10. t/f My throat is closer than it seems.
11. t/f I am annoyed by the taste of my teeth.
12. t/f Sometimes I feel compelled to count the freckles on my arms
over and over until I lose control of my bladder.
13. t/f Most things are better eaten than forgotten.
14. t/f Likes and dislikes are among my favorites.
15. t/f My patio is covered with killer frost.
16. t/f I've lost all sensation in my shirt.
17. t/f I try to swallow at least three times a day.
18. t/f My best friend is a social worker.
19. t/f I've always known when to close my eyes.
20. t/f My squirrels don't know where I am tonight.
21. t/f Little can be said for Luxembourg.
22. t/f No napkin is sanitary enough for me.
23. t/f I walk this way because I have to.
24. t/f Walls impede my progress.
25. t/f I can't find my marmots.
26. t/f I like mechanics magazines, but I would rather fondle a
marine.
27. t/f My uncle is as stupid as paste.
28. t/f I can pet animals by the mouthful.
29. t/f My toes are numbered.
30. t/f Man's reach should exceed his overbite.
31. t/f People tell me I'm deaf.
32. t/f My beaver won't go near the water.
33. t/f I can find my ears, but I have to look for them.
34. t/f I don't like any of my loved ones.
35. t/f Sometimes I have the strange feeling that I've done something
before.
36. t/f Sometimes I have the strange feeling that I've done something
before.
37. t/f A good friend should stick to the ceiling when the going
gets rough.
english.908dejanr,
I saw a standup comic on Evening at the Improv the other night. He made
one of the funniest remarks I have heard in a long time.
He was a scrawny little nerdy-looking guy. He was talking about his
21st birthday. His friends got him a sweater. He said, "I would have preferred
a screamer or a moaner, but the sweater was okay."
english.909dejanr,
"If they don't want us to drink and drive,
why do you have to have a driver's license to buy beer?"
- Drexell's Class
english.910dejanr,
A Steamer developed trouble in one of its pressure valves in its
engine room that caused an explosion. The ship was sinking fast, but the
crew acted swiftly to get the passengers off onto life rafts. Finally,
the crew started piling into the rafts. When it got down to the last 3-man
lifeboat, only the Captain and three of his crew were left behind.
The Captain turned to his crew: "I don't believe these stories
about the captain going down with his ship, and since there is only enough
room in this lifeboat for three of us, I'm going to aske each of you one
question. Whoever answers correctly can get into the lifeboat."
The Captain addressed the first sailor: "What famous 'Unsinkable'
ship went down after striking an iceburg?"
The first sailor immediately responded, "The Titanic, sir!" and
climbed into the lifeboat.
Then the Captain asked the second sailor: "How many people went
down with the Titanic?"
The second sailor immediately responded, "One thousand, three
hundred and fourty-seven, Sir!" and climbed into the lifeboat.
Turning to the last sailor, the Captain asked:
"And what were their names?"
english.911dejanr,
This comes from a friend, who claims it happened to her.
Her seven-year-old asks: "Mom, what's sex?"
Mom (flustered): "Well, that's whether you're a girl or a boy. You know,
like when we signed you up for swimming lessons, and the form asked what
your sex was, that's what they wanted to know."
Son: "OK"
Mom: (whew)
Next day:
Son: "Mom, Joe says that sex is when you take off your clothes and rub
against each other. Is that true?"
Mom: "Well, yes, that's another meaning of 'sex'."
Son: "ALL your clothes?"
Mom: "Yes."
Son: "YUCK! Really?"
(I've forgotten what transpired here; no matter.)
Mom: "Well, I'm real glad you asked me about this. If you have any more
questions, please ask."
Son: "Well, I do have one more."
Mom (breaking into a sweat): "Yes?"
Son: "Where does metal come from?"
english.912dejanr,
My parents put us to sleep by tossing us up in the air. Of course,
you have to have low ceilings for this method to work.
-- Robert
english.913dejanr,
posted on a WWIVnet sub (oddly, not a humor sub) that I host, by a user in
Florida:
The Beard #54 @9402
Tue Nov 19 14:13:03 1991
A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and
asked to see the "upturn"
"I think you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on
duty.
"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"
"You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her.
"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."
"I'm sure you mean the maturnity ward."
To which the girl replied:
"Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity ,
maturnity....what's the difference? All I know is I havent demonstrated
in two months and I think I'm stagnant."
english.914dejanr,
Duke for President - When you're tired of voting for the lesser of two evils.
I thought that I had made that one up, but some of myfriends tell me that they
have heard it already. I suppose that it was too obvious to not have been
simultaneously created by several people.
english.915dejanr,
During one of the more explicit portions of the trial, Pee Wee Herman
and Michael Jackson were both caught masturbating in the rear of thre
courtroom. Pee Wee was arrested and Michael was paid $6,000,000.
english.916dejanr,
For those who didn't make it to page 249 of "The Anthropic Cosmological
Principle" by John Barrow and Frank Tipler, I quote
"In a randomly infinite Universe, any event occurring here and
now with finite probability must be occurring simultaneously at
an infinite number of other sites in the Universe. It is hard to
evaluate this idea any further, but one thing is certain: if it
is true then it is certainly not original!"
By the way it is a great book. If you don't like equations just skip
those bits: you don't have to grok the equations to get a lot out of it.
Bob Smart
english.917dejanr,
We mourn the passing of computer pioneer Admiral Grace Hopper, author of
COBOL, who is now at rest 6 nanoseconds under.
[Adm. Hopper, who passed away approx. Jan 3, was known for holding up
a piece of wire, one foot long, at her lectures and explaining "This is
one nanosecond", that is at 3.00 x 10^8 meters per second, electricity
travels one foot in one nanosecond.]
english.918dejanr,
Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were
invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was
partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa. After many hands, the
Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the
door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room,
his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the
Colonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it; this is the first
time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand."
english.919dejanr,
A new slogan you probably (won't) see at a motel near you soon:
"Wilt Chamberlain slept here"
english.920dejanr,
This was overheard at a campus eating establishment.
A guy grumbled at his friend, and then said "Sorry, I'm in a bad mood
today". The friend asks why, and the guy replies quite mater-of-factly
"Well, I'm in grad school"
english.921ndragan,
-> #905, dejanr/ 10. Cans tied together with string during a San Fran 8.5 earthquake.
Zaboravili su najbolju i najjeftiniju mrežu: Frizbee Network.
Dovoljna je jedna disketa.
english.925pperencevic,
War of Persuasion
The Battle of Tannenberg was at its height when a Czarist officer
drew up his company and addressed them.
"The moment has come! We're going to charge the enemy. It'll now
be man against man in hand-to-hand combat."
In the company was a Jewish soldier who hated the Czar and the war.
"Please, sir, show me my man!" he cried. "Maybe I can come to an
understanding with him."
english.926ndragan,
-> #889, dejanr/ What's the difference between a lawyer and a pothole?
Ko je ono rekao da je "udarna rupa" neprevodljiva?
english.927pperencevic,
THE BROOCH
She had a friend find out how much I had paid for the
amethyst brooch I gave her as a gift.
"Fifteen lire," she said to me afterwards. "I know what that
means to you!"
"To me it means - love!"
"Would you have bought me the brooch if it had cost twenty-five lire?"
"Yes."
"And forty, too?"
"No."
"Why?"
"Because that is more than my circumstances would allow."
"But that's exactly where true love first begins!"
"Not with me! With me it comes to an end there!"
from A Treasury of Jewish Humor
english.928pperencevic,
Why Husbands Run Away
A woman ran to the rabbi's house and tearfully appealed to his
secretary: "Please ask the rabbi to help find my husband - he's run
away!"
The secretary wrote down her request and brought it to the rabbi
in his study. A moment later he came out again and said to the woman,
"The rabbi wishes to assure you that your husband will return to
you shortly."
"May God repay the rabbi ten thousand times for his kindness!"
cried the woman overjoyed. And she went away.
After she had gone, the rabbi's secretary said to some bystanders,
"The poor woman! Her husband will never return to her!"
"Don't you believe in what the rabbi says?" someone asked in
surprise.
"What a question to ask? Of course I do!" answered the secretary.
"But you see, the rabbi only saw her petition - I saw her face!"
from "A Treasury of Jewish Humor"
english.929zolika,
Here are some Irish limericks:
"Far dearer to me than my Treasure"
An Irish lassie said, "is my leisure,
For then I can screw,
Each rich yachtman's crew
They're slow but it lengthens the pleasure."
There once was a lassie from Bandon,
Who said to her man: "Keep your hand on,
I admire your technique
It's simply unique
But my breasts are to love - not to land on."
A young Irish farmer named Willy,
Whose behaviour was frequently silly,
At a big farmers' ball,
Dressed in nothing at all,
He claimed he came there as a filly.
english.930zolika,
Here are some more Irish limericks...
The Irishman said with a grouch,
"Tis Winter when you sneeze and you slouch,
You can't take your women,
In a canoe or swimming,
But a lot can be done on a couch!"
A young Irish lad like a giant
Who in sexual ways was just quaint,
One day he went swimming
With twelve naked women,
And deserted them all for a pint.
A priest who got up with the dawn,
Saw a lass near a bush in Gourgane,
"Excuse me, dear Miss,
It's sinful to piss,
On the sacred and blessed green lawn."
english.931zolika,
...and more limericks for your pleasure:
A lassie at Cahermee Fair,
Was having her first love affair,
As she climbed into bed
To the tinker she said:
"Do you mind if I start with a prayer?"
There was a young lass from Rosscarberry,
Who started to count every calorie,
Said her boss in disgust:
"If you lose half your bust -
Then you're worth only half of your salary!"
A young lass on a yacht in Glandore,
So tired she could do it no more,
"But I'm willing to try
So where shall I lie?
On the deck, on the sail, on the floor?"
english.932zolika,
What do you think about more Irish limericks?
Said the sharp-eyed Irish detective:
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
Has your east tit the least bit
The best of the west tit?
Or is it a trick of perspective?"
A young lad from near South Donegal
Who went to a Fancy Dress Ball
Dressed up like a tree
But he failed to foresee
His abuse by the dogs near the hall.
There was a young lady near Glin
Who was strong on Original Sin.
The priest said: "Do be good,"
She said: "I would if I could."
And started all over again.
english.933zolika,
...I won't say any more...
An old lady from near Fermanagh
Whose thoughts were exceptionally narrow,
At the end of her paths
She built two bird baths -
To prevent mortal sin, amongst sparrows!
A homo who lived in Macroom,
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
As to who had the right,
To do what, and with which, and to whom!
A Seanacaidhe back from Dunquin
He married three wives for a whim.
When asked: "Why the third?"
He said: "One's just absurd
And bigamy, lads, is a sin."
english.934dsoskic,
What do you call the shock absorbers in a Yugo?
- Passengers.
english.935dsoskic,
Boris Yeltsin burst Mikhail Gorbachev's Kremlin
office. "Michail, I have incredible news and bad news?"
"What is the incredible news?" Gorbachev asked.
"Lenin's mother is alive!"
"Unbelievable! What's the bad news?"
"She's pregnant again."
english.936dsoskic,
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"What are YOU shaking for? I'm the one she's going to eat."
english.937zolika,
Here is one Irish limerick more:
It is a special project of mine,
A new value of Pi to assign.
If you ever ask me,
I would fix it at 3,
It is better than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9.
english.938dejanr,
Heard this one third hand (a friend of a friend knows someone who...), but it
was also in the newspaper. This woman was finished with her Christmas
shopping, and when she went out to the parking lot, there were 4 men sitting
in the car. She asked them to get out, and they said no, so she repeated, and
they still refused. She then put down her packages and pulled the handgun she
had for protection out of her purse. The men got out of the car and fled. Just
then she realized that wasn't her car, hers was 3 spaces away!
english.939dejanr,
Basic rules for driving in Boston
Boston is often acclaimed as the most exciting city in America in
which to drive. Who would argue? Herewith, for newcomers and visitors,
are a few basic rules of the road for driving in these parts:
- To obtain a general idea of how to drive in Boston, go to a
Celtics game and carefully watch the fast break. Then get behind the
wheel of your car and practice it.
- Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and
left before proceeding.
- When in doubt, accelerate.
- Very generally speaking, the intransigence of the Boston driver
is directly proportional to the expense of his American-made car, and
inversely proportional to the expense of his foreign-made car. But in
applying this formula, bear in mind that they are all more or less
intransigent.
- In the long run, parking your car in a lot is always cheaper than
parking it at a meter.
- Drivers whose cars sport "I Brake For Animals" bumper stickers
may brake for animals, but they may not brake for you. Watch it.
- Never drive behind a person whose head doesn't reach the top of
the steering wheel.
- Teenage drivers believe they are immortal. Don't yield to the
temptation to teach them otherwise.
- Taxicabs should always have the right of way, unless you are bent
on suicide.
- Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under
the wheels of your car.
- The first parking space you see will be the last parking space
you see. Grab it.
- Learn to swerve abruptly. Boston is the home of slalom driving,
thanks to the Registry of Motor Vehicles, which puts potholes in key
locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
- Steer clear of people with antinuclear bumper stickers pasted on
their cars. They are interested in preserving mankind, which is
admirable. But they are not necessarily interested in preserving you,
or themselves, for that matter. They have more important things to
think about.
- Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
- Double-park in the North End of Boston, unless triple-parking is
available.
- Always look both ways when running a red light.
- While it is possible to fit a 15-foot car into a 15-foot parking
space, it is seldom possible to fit a 16-foot car into a 15-foot
parking space. Sad but true.
- There is no such thing as a short cut during rush-hour traffic in
Boston.
- It is traditional in Boston to honk your horn at cars that don't
move the instant the light changes.
- Never put your faith in signs that purport to provide directions.
They are put there to confuse people who don't know their way around
the city.
- Use extreme caution when pulling into breakdown lanes. Breakdown
lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during
rush hour.
- Never use directional signals, since they only confound and
distract other Boston drivers, who are not used to them.
- Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals, Boston drivers,
unused to such courtesies, will think you are waving them on to pass
you.
- The yellow light is not, as commonly supposed outside the Boston
area, a signal to slow down. It is a warning to speed up and get
through the intersection before the light turns red.
- Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
- In making a left turn from the right lane, employ the element of
surprise. That is, do it as suddenly as possible, so as to stun other
drivers.
- Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to make you feel
guilty.
- Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to insure
inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible.
- Remember that the goal of every Boston driver is to get there
first by whatever means necessary.
- Above all, keep moving.
And good luck. You'll need it.
english.940dejanr,
If Oliver North became David Duke's running mate, they'd be known as
Ku Klux Klan and Ollie.
english.941dejanr,
I am taking a statistical physics course right now, and have compiled
the funniest quotes from this class. All quotes are from John Thorstensen,
the professor. He likes to keep the class lively...
"Manually operated analog scribing device" (description of chalk)
"In fact, entire math departments have been known to go off the
deep end" (on infinite real numbers)
"Yup, you're losing your marbles." (on a statistical problem involving
marbles in a jar)
"This, incidently, works great if you're color blind." (probabability
of picking a red or green marble)
"Uh, that's the same equation."
"Now you have to pound the table, and jump up and down."
"Good day to get a little extra sleep."
"You use little itty bitty nails, and nail the atoms down." (on how
to measure the number of states they can be in)
"We can throw out constant factors as we want."
"I didn't know Maxwell had thermodynamic relations...I guess he got around."
Avogadro's number..avocado's?"
"Factorials of Avogadro's number become intractable."
"And what is this? Can you say ENTROPY?"
"It's just a..it's just a word."
"Then they have to come out, and cut you off with a blowtorch."
(on the hazards of licking a cold flag pole)
"Which in decimals is 1.66666...which is the mark of the devil."
"Enthalpy, which in Greek stands for E+pV."
"This will become unclear in time."
"George Q. Enthalpy, little known physicist."
"cross derivatives? angry derivatives!...perturbed..."
"You all are probably wondering what all this stuff is good for."
"I'm tenured, there's almost nothing you can do about it."
(after making a mistake in sign convention)
"The Joule-Thompson Throttling. Now you can't throttle them,
they're dead." (an experiment)
english.942dejanr,
Gallows humor from IBM's Research Division
Allegedly appeared in the "For Sale" columns of a NY state newspaper
FOR SALE: To qualified buyer or wealthy eccentric: Research
Division of former multinational company. Hardly used.
Guaranteed cure for obscene profits or other bottom line
imbalances. $300,000,000 or best offer. Inquire Armonk, N. Y.
english.943dejanr,
When I was in high school I learned about retroactive inhibition.
Retroactive inhibition occurs when learning something new causes you
to forget something you used to know. For example, if you know how
to play a clarinet and then learn how to play a saxophone, you might find
that you get confused when you try to play clarinet again.
When I went to college my Psychology class studied both retroactive
inhibition and proactive inhibition. Proactive inhibition occurs when
something you learned in the past prevents your learning something new.
Or is it the other way around? Ever since learning about proactive
inhibition, I've never been able to keep retroactive and proactive
inhibition straight.
english.944dejanr,
A guy walked into a bar and ordered two drinks.
"How about a double instead?" asked the bartender.
"No. I'm drinking with my friend from Denver."
So the bartender gives him the two drinks. He drinks them while alternately
sipping from each glass. This goes on for a few months. A couple of times a
week he comes into the bar to drink with his friend from Denver.
One day he comes in and orders only one drink.
"Did your friend from Denver die?" asked the bartender.
"No. My doctor told me to stop drinking."
english.945dejanr,
THE FRANKLIN FACTOR: Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to
meet more guys.
THE RAT RACE: If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit
on you first.
THE EYEGLASS PRESCRIPTION: Don't wear your glasses on a blind date.
You'll look better, and he will too.
THE RING RULE: A watched telephone never rings.
THE CREEP CALL: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It's a call
from a creep you told you were busy.
THE FISHING FORECAST: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea.
But who wants to go out with a fish?
THE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROGNOSIS: Love is a form of temporary insanity
curable only by marriage.
THE ROPE TRICK: Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.
MIND OVER MATTER: No one ever falls in love with another person's mind
at a cocktail party.
THE FAULT FINDER: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to
move in with your lover.
THE UNINTENED RESULT: 1) Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy.
2) Women's desire for intimacy often results in sex.
THE RABBIT RULE: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.
THE DANGLE DOCTRINE: You can't keep a good man down.
TWAIN'S TRUTH: Familarity breed children.
THE FERTILITY FACTOR: Wonen are only fertile a few days each
month...unless they're single.
THE PREPARATION PREDICAMENT: The longer you spend in the bathroom
preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time
you're ready.
english.946dejanr,
My friend was telling me about friendship and sharing..... he said.....
You know, If I had two dollars, I'd give you one.
If I had to beers, I'd give you one.
If I had to cookies, I'd give you one.
but If I had two girlfriends, I'd give you another dollar.
english.947dejanr,
Ways to be Offensive at a Funeral
1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make
love with you.
2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find
your contact lens.
3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
4. Tell the widow that you're the deceasd's gay lover.
5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the
deceased.
6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're
not in it.
8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can
sneak him into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will
can be read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor
who can't afford firewood.
16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased' gambling debts.
20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
21. Put crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
22. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's
mouth.
25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream
"MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
26. At the cemetary take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for
back-taxes.
30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face
while praising the deceased.
english.948dejanr,
Paraphrased from Dennis Miller's performance at Vanderbilt Wednesday night:
Germany's creative talents tend to skip a generation:
They make a really nice sports car, destroy an entire race,
make a really nice sports car...
english.949dejanr,
Subject: Bush's illness, original, topical
From: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Michael Nolan)
Original joke by Michael Nolan, nolan@tssi.com
Bush Throws Up During Japanese Dinner Party
Phlegm at 11!
= = = = = = =
Subject: Bush's Illness
From: SCOTH%WMVM1.CC.WM.EDU@vtvm2.cc.vt.edu (Scott Hammer)
President Bush's doctor was concerned when Bush collapsed at the Japanese
State Dinner, but got even more worried later. It seems that once they
got Bush back to his suite, he started speaking in complete sentences!
(The idea for this was stolen from Dave Barry's year-end column in the
Washington Post a couple weeks ago).
= = = = = = =
Subject: Bush illness
From: dbrooks@osf.org
Original.
At a dinner in Japan yesterday, President Bush threw up and passed
out. This was caused by a mixup in the kitchens; that plate had been
intended for Lee Iacocca.
David Brooks
Open Software Foundation
= = = = = = =
Subject: Bush gets Japanese flu...
From: trebor@foretune.co.jp (Robert J Woodhead)
When asked why President Bush collapsed (allegedly with gastroenteritis)
at a state dinner in Tokyo, a spokesman for the Japanese foreign
ministry is alleged to have said:
"We urged him not to eat that California rice!"
The other rumor is that Bush was accidentally stabbed by a Bulgarian
Chopstick...
= = = = = = =
Subject: You can't win
Organization: DSG, Stanford University, CA 94305, USA
From: gscott@leland.stanford.edu
Last night ABC News aired a special report on President Bush's visit to
Japan. The commentators were explaining that a major component of the
trade deficit was automobiles; imports from Japan are flooding the US market.
They then broke for a commercial - for Mitsubishi cars.
= = = = = = =
Subject: Bush/Quayle
From: ach@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Joseph Poirier)
With Bush being sick, I suppose we can all now say:
Dan Quayle: A heartburn away from the Presidency.
= = = = = = =
Subject: Bush's diplomacy
From: pacdata!jimh@ucsd.edu (Jim Harkins)
George Bush didn't really have the flu the other day. A GM executive had
promised a campaign contribution if he would puke on the Japanese Prime
Minister's carpet.
= = = = = = =
Subject: Barfing Bush
From: spl@alex.ucsd.edu (Steve Lamont)
An amusing remark by Simon Hoggart (sp?) this morning (Saturday, Jan
11) on NPR's Weekend Edition this morning. It gave me a small chuckle.
Regarding George Bush's fainting spell at the State Dinner in Japan:
In Japan, you usually only faint *after* you get the bill.
spl (the p stands for
pass the bucket, Emperor)
= = = = = = =
Subject: What Bush heard last?
From: prb@access.digex.com (Pat)
What was the Last thing Miizawa said to Bush?
Try the Fugu, IT's delicious.
[Authors note. For those who are not aware, fugu is a highly toxic
blowfish the japanese eat as a delicacy. 1-2 people every year
fugu out of this planet. I made this up while discussing japanese
culture with a friend of mine]
= = = = = = =
Subject: Bush's collapse
From: u1238@jsp.umontreal.ca (Duperval Laurent)
[ So it might be known by the time you get it. Sue me! :-) ]
Credit Doug Camilli of the Montreal Gazette:
What were Bush's first words after his collapse?
"I _told you_, I don't like broccoli."
= = = = = = =
Subject: New White House Dress COde
From: prb@access.digex.com (Pat)
What's the Dress Code at White House functions?
Old Clothes.
[ I think this was made in Tony Kornheisers column in the Washington Post.
It's a paraphrasing, of some remarks he made about Bush being made an
Honorary member of every party frat in america]
= = = = = = =
Subject: George Bush' slogan for re-election
From: TLIU@binah.cc.brandeis.edu
(This is an original joke)
George Bush in 1992:
Ask not what your president can do for you,
ask what you can do for your president!
= = = = = = =
From: matchmaker@houston.relay.ucm.org
This letter was forwarded Mon 9:39pm, 13 Jan 1992 CST by JON@BODEDO:
Bush took the leaders of the big-three automakers to Japan to help revive
the U.S. economy.
For a while the economy was doing very very well.
Then he brought them back.
= = = = = = =
Subject: Sick humor #2
From: RICH@suhep.phy.syr.edu (Richard S. Holmes)
Q. What's the difference between the vice squad and George Bush in Japan?
A. Well, the vice squad closes bookies...
= = = = = = =
Subject: Sick humor #1
From: RICH@suhep.phy.syr.edu (Richard S. Holmes)
Q. What did George Bush discuss with the Japanese during lunch?
A. The same thing he brought up at dinner.
= = = = = = =
Subject: Bush's Queasy Stomach
From: scotbri@rosevax.rosemount.com (Scott Brigham)
An original by yours truly (as far as I know):
While the Japanese are over here eating our lunch,
Bush is over there blowing his!
english.950dejanr,
Heard this one Sunday night on KGO radio (someone called in with it):
A couple who have been married for 20 years is preparing for bed when the
following conversation takes place...
She: "Honey, if I die before you, would you remarry?"
He: "That's a morbid question!"
She: "No, I really want to know."
He (pauses to think): "Yes, I suppose after a decent amount of time I might
remarry."
She: "Would she live in our house?"
He: "Well, the mortgage is almost paid off - would you really expect me to
move?"
She: "Would she wear my mink coat?"
He: "You know I paid $3,500 for that coat - would you really want me to
sell it for a loss?"
She: "Well, would she drive my BMW?"
He: "No. Absolutely not. She doesn't know how to drive a stick shift!"
english.951dejanr,
It is a well-known phenomenon that computer programs, left to themselves,
will cease to work. This is known as "Code Rot". (Programs NOT left to
themselves also cease to work. This is known as "maintenance" or
"enhancement", but is not germane to this discussion). The cause of
code rot has recently been discovered in a related discipline --
writing. The following is a quote from an article by Richard Purdy,
which appeared in the May 1988 issue of "The Journal of Wild Culture":
"
PRINT GRUB
(visus litteratum)
The North American print grub is a well-known pest infecting libraries
and bookstores. This tiny grub has a transparent, lens-like body that distorts
the print below it and gives the impression of a typographical error or
misprint(Typographical errors in this magazine {or this quote../rbe}
may be attributable to print grubs. Please check carefully). The print grub
lives on book pages and licks the ink up off the page, slowly erasing whole
lines of type as it feeds. The grub digests the gum arabic or glue contents
of the ink and defecates the pigment residue, leaving behind an unsightly
smudge.
The print grub has become a significant pest in large North American libraries,
reducing entire books to defecatory blobs. In recent years, researchers
in the Saskatchewan Bibliographic Centre have discovered marked tendencies
in the print grub's habits. For instance, statistics show a consistent
predeliction for glossy magazines. No infestation has been found in the
works of William Shakespeare, Marcel Proust, Henrik Ibsen, or Mervyn Peake,
although volumes on nearby shelves were considerably infested. It may be going
too far to suggest that print grubs are executing a type of literary
criticism; yet, the facts are undeniable."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The vast differences in quality of code produces by different vendors may
also be explained by local infestations of print grubs. Then again, it
may not.
english.952dejanr,
Something I heard on the radio a couple of weeks ago: Ian Hislop of Private
Eye (I think) reporting an overheard conversation from some media person
or other:
"Well, the last time I saw Robert Maxwell, he seemed quite buoyant..."
I wouldn't have mentioned it, except for the unintentional pun in the
comment made last week by my Australian office-mate:
"I just hope Rupert Murdoch follows in the wake of Robert Maxwell..."
english.953dejanr,
From an album called "Troubadour Emeritus" -- I wish I could remember the guy's
name.
One day, a cattle farmer heard one of his cows lowing out in the north forty
(the mudpit behind the barn). It sounded like she was in hard labor. He went
out, and, sure enough, it was a breech. He tried to turn the calf around,
but it was too late--the legs were already coming out. All he could do was
pull on the legs to assist in the birth. This field was right next to the
interstate, and a red MG stopped, and this woman (librarian type, with the
glasses and bun) jumped out and said, "Is there anything I can do to assist?"
The farmer said, "Yes, please! Grab a leg and pull!"
So they both pulled, and they were able to get the calf out. The farmer, very
grateful, said, "Wait a minute while I run back and get my wallet--I owe you
for this."
"Oh, no, I wouldn't dream of accepting any recompense for this service.
However, there is one question you can answer for me."
"Anything!"
"How fast was the little one going when it ran into the big one?"
english.954dejanr,
You see, an empty shell script does nothing and returns True.
Here is the /bin/true shell script from AT&T Unix V.3.2:
# Copyright (c) 1984 AT&T
# All Rights Reserved
# THIS IS UNPUBLISHED PROPRIETARY SOURCE CODE OF AT&T
# The copyright notice above does not evidence any
# actual or intended publication of such source code.
#ident "@(#)cmd/true.sh 50.1"
Notice that there is still no actual source code in this file.
Is AT&T copyrighting and protecting its protection notice?
Or, is AT&T attempting to copyright and protect the empty file?
Lance Norskog
Go on, Templeton, I dare you to post it.
english.955dejanr,
WHY SOFTBALL IS BETTER THAN SEX
* You can play softball as much or as little as you want; YOU get to decide.
* After an unusually long and difficult softball game you can still ride your
bike home.
* In softball, the other team pays attention throughout, even if they're done
scoring.
* If you have to take a piss during a softball game, you can say "Excuse me,
I gotta drain the swamp" and you don't lose style points.
* In softball, nobody comments on the size of your bat, as long as you know
what to do with it.
* In softball, you don't feel guilty about winning the ugly ones.
* The other team never has to forfeit a game cause they're on their period.
* In softball, you don't have to compliment the other team on good they look
in their new uniforms.
* You don't have to buy the other team dinner to get a game.
* If you get all scratched up in a softball game, you can brag about it to
your wife.
* In softball, if you go a couple months without scoring, your balls don't
hurt.
* In softball, you can play the same team every day for a year and it's never
the same twice.
* You don't mind if your parents come to watch you play softball.
* You can play three, maybe four softball games a day.
* In softball, it's no concern of yours if the other team has had marital
relations with diseased livestock.
* In a good weekend of softball, you can play six or seven different teams and
it only costs you twenty bucks and you may get a prize at the end.
* Playing the wrong softball team won't get you shot.
* You can be absolutely certain that, nine months after a softball game, the
other teams lawyers won't call, asking for half of your pre-tax income for
the next eighteen years.
* During a softball game you can spit tobacco juice all over the place.
* Rest assured that the other team will not invite you to the ballet.
* The other team doesn't demand that you shave before the game.
* The other team can smell like road kill and you'll never know it.
* If you don't score in a softball game, the other team doesn't ask you if
you've had that problem often.
* No matter how drunk the other team is they never throw up in your bed.
english.956dejanr,
"You know I got kicked out of the shopping center today but I don't know
why."
"What did you do?"
"Well, you know that sign that says 'Wet floor'?"
"Yeah..."
"Well...so I did..."
english.957dejanr,
Big Blue Scores Big In Management Hiring Coup
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a surprise move, IBM announced it was hiring ex-Soviet Premier Mikhail
Gorbachev to head its restructuring efforts. Quipped an IBM spokesperson,
"We needed someone experienced in breaking up large, monolithic
structures into small autonomous entities. We figure Mikhail
Gorbachev is the man for the job."
IBM denied rumors fighting had broken out between its mainframe and small
systems divisions.
english.958dejanr,
A naked lady standing on the street in the combat zone flags down a
cab, hops in and says, "Take me to Georgetown."
The cabby replies, "Come on lady, what are you going to pay me with?
You don't even have a handbag."
The lady smiles, opens her legs and points saying, "With this of
course."
After thinking for a moment, the cabby replies, "Have you got anything
smaller?"
english.959dejanr,
This was written by a friend of mine (Phil Harris) after recently
buying a new HI-FI. He asked me to post this after I suggested that
it is worth submitting to RHF.
Jarod
Troubleshooting Your New Stereo
P. Harris
Problem Probable Cause Remedy
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Does not work Power plug in hand Place plug in socket
and turn socket on
Not turned on Turned off Turn on.
Still does not work Bought it from Tandy Take it back and get
a real stereo.
Lights up but no No speakers Buy some speakers.
sound
Still no sound Volume set to zero Set volume to ten.
Too much sound Volume set to ten Set volume to three.
Raucous hiss Radio turned on and Turn radio off, place
no aerial record on deck, place
stylus on record.
Sounds too slow HMV 78 written on record Discard record, replace
with `Hells Bells' by
ACDC set volume to
ten, place stylus
on record.
Can't hear anything Gone deaf turn stereo off and
or learn to say `eh?'
Don't understand Stupidity Turn stereo off, buy
what all the lights gramophone and retrieve
are for HMV 78.
Record a little Record is a CD If it cost over 10
small and hole too pound send it to me
big for spindle else check for CD
player
on stereo if there is
one, insert into CD
player and set volume
to ten.
No CD player Not buying a CD player Buy a CD player or
stop buying CDs.
Too noisy CD playing and volume Set volume to three.
set to ten
CDs don't fit in Haven't got a car CD player Buy car CD player,
car stereo place CD in player and
set volume to ten.
Car speakers broken Volume of car CD player Take CD player back
set too high to shop - it would
have been stolen
anyway!
CDs don't fit in car Car stereo only plays tapes Tape CDs.
stereo
Don't understand the a) Stupid Turn stereo off, buy
automatic sequencing gramophone and
compact disk, magnetic retrieve HMV 78.
media instant audio
transposition mega b) Normal Nor does anyone else
wacko editing just do it by hand
commands like you used to.
Reel to reel tapes You're still wearing Remove flares and
don't fit in tape purple flares reel to reel tape.
deck Attatch sign saying
`Outdated Hippy' to
forehead, place
Tchaikovsky's 1812
overture in CD player
skip first 6 minutes
place head between
speakers and set
volume to ten.
Profound deafness Placing head between None.
with persistent speakers with volume set
tinilus to ten whilst listening
cannon detonations.
Other Problems
Does not show Not a television Buy sex pistols album
Coronation Street place on deck, place
stylus on record and
set volume to ten.
Neighbour beats head Constant annoyance with Go to hospital and
in with a brick loud music learn to eat through
a straw.
Stereo not where Stereo has been stolen Call Police and or
you left it or repossesed by bailiffs pay Poll tax demand.
Records, tapes and Stereo is a microwave Place egg in microwave
CDs melt during play, rip glass and metal
only a buzz comes grille from door look
from stereo inside and turn on.
Egg on face Stupidity None.
Stereo not good Stereo not girlfriend Unplug girlfriend
in bed from mains and take
tape from her lips.
Plug in Stereo and
turn on girlfriend.
Pressing space bar Bought typewriter Slam head in fridge
causes a little door.
click, but does
not play recently
purchased Paul
Simon album
Light in fridge Door not shutting Slam Harder!
does not go out completely
english.960dejanr,
In your last one liner file, randy@ai.mit.edu (Randall Smith) joked:
> What is a politically correct term for men?
> Vaginally disabled.
I prefer the term vaginally challenged.
english.961dejanr,
Can you tell the difference between
Coke and Pepsi? No? Get hip to the trip with
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use could lead to you saving $$$$ on your
future purchase of vital fashion
accessories such as:
Shane McGowan's Teeth
Gerry Dammer's Gums
Johnny Rotten's Cavities
Don't miss this once in a lifetime offer!
Send $999.99 plus 999 ring pulls from any
jumbo variety of Pepsi Cola to:
Ray Charles X-ray specs offer, Ray Charles
Place, Nothing To Do With Pepsi, Pep, Sico
*************************************************************************
Worried about your neighbours pets?
Problems with strays?
Send your lost, found or unwanted animals to
THE OZZY OSBOURNE HOME FOR DISTRESSED ANIMALS
Yes, send us your poor little
pets and we guarantee that Ozzy
will personally distress them.
Chickens A Speciality!
english.962dejanr,
The Japanese people are said to have a great interest in
Western things, especially those from the United States.
This can be used to our strategic advantage to help solve
our trade deficit with Japan. We need to export TV shows
like ``Perry Mason'' and ``LA Law'' and ensure that they
are widely broadcasted. Once their children grow up wanting
to become lawyers they are finished!
english.963dejanr,
Q: Why do computer scientists make such lousy lovers?
A: Cause they always want to do the job faster than before. And
when they do, they say the performance has improved.
english.964dejanr,
>Phone call actually received by someone I know, from next-door neighbor:
> "Our cable TV is having interference right now, is yours?"
> "Not as far as I know... what channel are you watching?"
> "We're not watching a channel. We're playing a tape."
During the Gulf war, here in Israel, there was a family watching the Cosby
show, and taping it just in case there would be another air-raid siren.
Sure enough there was, and they filed into their sealed rooms. After the
whole thing was over, they returned to watch their video tape. And what
do you know, the same thing happened just about the same time in the show.
After they retuned to their sealed room for a third time they realized it
was the tape and not a real drill.
english.965dejanr,
The scene: Tokyo - A formal state banquet in honor of President Bush
Prime Minister Miyazawa:
So, Mr President, what do you think of our position on
bilateral trade?
President Bush:
Watch my lips....
english.966dejanr,
FIRST AID FOR NON-MEDICALLY MINDED PERSONS
------------------------------------------
Electrocution
-------------
Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH OFF THE
POWER IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it
would be going to waste.
Check the victims pulse, (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack
of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human
being). And do try not to be squeamish about it.
Drive the victim to the nearest casualty ward. You can use him/her to
jumpstart the engine as well if need be.
Treating burns and scalds
-------------------------
Run the affected area under a cold tap as soon as possible. (N.B. If
the victims entire body is a swirling mass of flames it may a little
too late for this).
If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then REMOVE
CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You can never tell, the sight of you parading
around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury.
Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as
an example.
Fractures and broken limbs
--------------------------
Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in
a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the
bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are
going to die. That always puts the wind up them.
Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk up and down for
a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the
rest of your job easier.
Do not move the broken or fractured limb as this may result in an
abnormal position. However, if you're feeling daring, try pointing
legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc.
It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can
produce. Far better than Play-Doh.
Choking On Food
---------------
Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by punching
them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of
food hit you in the eye, however.
Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill.
Make a mental note to order soup next time.
Cuts And Wounds
---------------
Dress the wound, whatever that means.
Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the
victims throat unit they experience difficulty in breathing.
Ha ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above the wound. Just my
little joke.
Stitch up the wound with aluminium wire.
Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know.
Objects Stuck In The Eye
------------------------
Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP AS WELL, IDIOT.
Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with your teeth. This
usually results in the object mysteriously "going away" and not bothering
the victim any more before you can get to it.
Concussion
----------
When the victim comes round, ask them what day it is, who the Prime
Minister is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more
difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back. Then tot up the
victims score and send it to me at this address:- Dr. Brain D'Eath,
Concussion Quiz, P.O.Box 312, London, the highest score wins a
mystery prize.
Talk in Swahili to disorientate the victim a bit more. Yes, there's a
whole bundle of laughs when it comes to concussion.
Here's a good one: before the victim comes round, switch of all the
lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout "Thank God! We thought
you might be dead, or blinded or something.
Seb
english.967dejanr,
Hard to keep track of everyone who's running for president. There's
the one whom everyone's calling a fascist. He's trying to get his name
on the presidential ballot in Georgia, but the authorities are resisting.
That's right, I'm referring to Zviad Gamsakhurdia, ousted president of
formerly-Soviet Georgia.
english.968dejanr,
We mourn the passing of computer pioneer Admiral Grace Hopper, author of
COBOL, who is now at rest 6 nanoseconds under.
[Adm. Hopper, who passed away approx. Jan 3, was known for holding up
a piece of wire, one foot long, at her lectures and explaining "This is
one nanosecond", that is at 3.00 x 10^8 meters per second, electricity
travels one foot in one nanosecond.]
english.969dejanr,
Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were
invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was
partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa. After many hands, the
Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the
door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room,
his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the
Colonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it; this is the first
time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand."
english.970dejanr,
A new slogan you probably (won't) see at a motel near you soon:
"Wilt Chamberlain slept here"
english.971dejanr,
This was overheard at a campus eating establishment.
A guy grumbled at his friend, and then said "Sorry, I'm in a bad mood
today". The friend asks why, and the guy replies quite mater-of-factly
"Well, I'm in grad school"
english.972dejanr,
From the Microsoft Word for Windows 2.0 User's Guide, p.35:
"When the grammar checker identifies an error, it suggests a
correction and can even makes some changes for you."
english.973dejanr,
Here is a psychiatrist joke I heard many years
ago. I forget the source. I think the joke has
classic potential.
Man visits psychiatrist:
Man: "Doctor, Doctor I have a problem."
Psy: "Tell me about it."
Man: "Doctor, Doctor I like mashed potatoes."
Psy: "There's nothing wrong with that. I also
like mashed potatoes."
Man: "Wonderful, would you like to come over and
see my collection some time."
english.974dejanr,
The blacksmith shop was in the older side of town where the
retireds gathered to spit and whittle. They were of the habit
of visiting the smithy, though he did not encourage them.
Old Jake took himself pretty seriously, and he was, as usual
in such cases, quite alone in that opinion. He never let on
there was anything he didn't know. He was experienced in all
phases of human existance, and did not mind if you knew it.
Jake ambled on by the forge and idly reached for one of a row
of horseshoes on the firewall before it. Jake didn't realize
at the time, though he very quickly had an inkling, that the
shoes had only seconds ago lost the reddish-white tint they
have when first out of the fire.
Jake dropped the metal with a clang and jammed his smoking
hand into his pants and attempted to whistle with jaws of
pure granite to stifle a scream. The smithy saw all this
out of the corner of his eye.
"Might warm, warn't it?" asked the smithy with a near-smile.
"Nope," asserted Jake. "Just don't take me long to look at
a horseshoe."
[A Bonham, Texas, local legend]
english.975dejanr,
Gentlemen:
While my career occupies much of my time, I do programming at home
as a hobby. I noticed a new addition to your library with the recent
release of your new C Compiler. I was having a problem, which I was
finally able to overcome by using one of the undocumented calls.
#include <stdio.h>
main()
{
printf("hello world\n");
}
MICROSOFT C COMPILER Version 6.3
Copyright 1992 Microsoft Corporation All Rights Reserved.
10342: Line 5, unknown function 'printf'
MICROSOFT Object FIle Link Utility Version 4.09
Copyright 1991 Microsoft Corporation All Rights Reserved.
No object file: test.obj
Abnormal Program Termination
#include <stdio.h>
#include <sys/hidden/bribe.h>
main()
{
printf("Hello world\n");
}
MICROSOFT C COMPILER Version 6.3
Copyright 1992 Microsoft Corporation All Rights Reserved.
MICROSOFT Object File Link Utility Version 4.09
Copyright 1991 Microsoft Corporation All Rights Reserved.
Output File: test.exe
Program completed without error.
I couldn't help but notice that my VISA account was debited $18.42 each
time that I ran the compiler, and that on each successful completion, my
modem would dial and connect with an unknown system.
I don't mean to complain, but wished to inquire about the notice which
was on the envelope containing the diskettes which came with my purchase.
"Breaking of this seal affirms a contractual agreement between the
Purchaser and the Microsoft Corporation. The Purchaser agrees to
abide by the terms and conditions of the License conditionally
granted by the Microsoft Corporation. Copies of this licence may
be obtained by ordering a copy of it from our purchasing department.
The cost for a copy of the license is $99.00 and includes a copy of
MSDOS Version 4.0. Continued use of this product may incur subsequent
user charges as outlined in the contract. The Microsoft Corporation
assumes no liabilities for the use of this product, and offers no
warranties, expressed or implied. Damage to systems or loss of business
revenues through the use of this software shall be deemed amusing."
After contacting your organization in an attempt to return the compiler, I
was told that I would be assessed a $400.00 restocking fee. Since I only
paid $197 for the product, I felt that this was a bit exhorbinant. After
ending the conversation with your Customer Service Department, I noted that
another debit from my VISA account. The debit was made in favor of Microsoft
and was labelled "consultation fee."
This letter is not to complain about your business policies, but instead
recognizes the stability and cash flow that Microsoft enjoys as a result of
them. Since your policies reflect closely my own aims in my career, and
there is a significant possibility that I may be available in a few months,
I would like to interview for a position at Microsoft. A copy of my resume
has been sent under separate cover.
Sincerely,
George Bush.
Submitted: Bob Kirkpatrick,
Dog Ear'd Systems of Spokane, WA.
english.976dejanr,
Marriage Proposal During a Bridge Hand
(East and West pass thoroughout)
N: One Diamond (ring) : "Let us be partners forever"
S: Two Clubs (to the head) : "I don't think we have a fit"
N: Two Hearts (in accord) : "I'm still looking for a major contract"
S: Three _NO_ (!!!) : "Get lost, you creep."
N: Pass : "That's okay, I can still make slam with Suzi."
english.977dejanr,
Three dry cleaning companies all did business on the same block of the
city, and competition was very fierce indeed. One day, in an effort to
bolster its reputation, one of the companies put up a big neon sign:
BEST DRY CLEANERS IN THE CITY
Two weeks went by, and that store did get more business, to the
detriment of the other two stores. So the second company put up an even
bigger, fancier sign:
BEST DRY CLEANERS IN THE WORLD
Two weeks went by, and the second store stole some business. Then the
last company put up a modest little sign, after which it gained by far
the lion's share of the business:
best dry cleaners on the block
english.978dejanr,
In The Oregonian, a Meier and Frank department store
advertisement for womens bras and panties reads:
"The perfect gift for that special woman in your life,
or great to keep for yourself."
english.979dejanr,
A friend of mine told me this story about his sister,
a veteranarian, who had to visit the doctor. The doctor asked
her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they
been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:
"Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind
of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription,
and handed it to her, with the words: "there you are. Of course,
if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
english.980dejanr,
Steve is an avid golfer. Goes to tournaments, golfs every weekend, LIVES
for golf. Normally plays very good. However, Steve tells of one game,
about half way through, when his score went right down the toilet. He
was playing pretty good until...
Steve had recently moved from out-of-state to Boise, Idaho. One weekend as
he played a round of golf on one of the more popular courses in town, he
caught up with two other golfers on the course. Steve asked if they would
mind if he "played through" and got ahead of them. The older man, seeing that
Steve was by himself, invited Steve to join them and play as a group. Steve
thought that that would be alright, introduced himself, "Hello, I'm Steve
Welker." and offered his hand.
The older gentleman shook it and said, "Hello, Steve. I'm John Evans and
this is my son." and he introduced the younger man with him.
They started to play the next hole. John said, "Where are you from, Steve?
You new here in Idaho?"
Steve remarked that as-a-matter-of-fact he had just moved into Idaho from
Portland, Oregon where he had been most of his life.
John asked, "What do you do here in Idaho, Steve?"
Steve replied, "Well, I'm a private investigator. I investigate cases of
insurance fraud and court settlements." Steve went on to talk about some of
the things he had done, crawling through underbrush for hours with a camera
to take pictures of a "handicapped" man hauling wood, a prostitute that was
suing in an auto accident case, and such. (But those are another story.)
After a bit, though, Steve felt guilty because he had been doing all the
talking, he said, "What do you do, John?"
John's face got one of those 'I-thought-you-would-never-ask' looks as he
said, "Well, Steve, I'm the Governor of Idaho!"
And it is at that point that Steve's score went down the toilet.
english.981dejanr,
Yes! It's the big, big, SOVIET UNION LIQUIDATION SALE!
Come down to our Formerly Communist Countries factory outlet for this
RED tag sale! We handled East Germany! We had Poland on the shelves before
anyone else! We buy the republics directly from the supplier, and pass the
savings on to you!
Still as cheap as when prices where fixed!
Russian S.S.R. - 5 cents an acre! Huge democratic nations in the habit of
making large purchases, take note!
Georgia - temporarily unavailable...
The Ukraine - Impress your Risk-playing friends! Includes free large blue
Roman numerals V and X!
Tadzhikistan - Our supplier says we're crazy! But yes, only $59.95!!!!!
Byelorussia - Was $49.95, now HALF OFF at $49.45!
Visa/MC/Amex, rubles not accepted.
english.982dejanr,
I heard the following unintentional pun on NPR this morning:
"Although President Bush is satisfied with the trade agreements
with the Japanese, executives of the big 3 automakers are
displeased with the ACCORD."
english.983dejanr,
It occurred to me this morning that many system design flaws can be traced to
unwarrantedly anthropomorphizing the user.
english.984dejanr,
>From the latest issue of Playboy,
Sign seen in a parking lot of a Planned Parenthood clinic -
"PLEASE PULL OUT CAREFULLY" !
Ram Mohan Srinivasan
english.985dejanr,
What can a girl learn from the William Kennedy Smith trial?
1) Never date someone with sweet innocent expression. He may actually *be*
sweet and innocent, but if not he'll never get convicted. Date someone
who looks dangerous, just in case.
2) Do not drive Mazda RX-7
3) Do not wear black lace underwear
4) For 3 AM walk on beach, keep pantyhose on
5) Scream, but since everyone will swear they didn't hear you scream, say
you couldn't scream
6) Rip own clothes if necessary
7) Better injuries an absolute must. Bite tongue for blood, hit arms and legs
with hammer. If all else fails, ride on roller coaster next day.
8) Call rescuers who are not going to (a) steal vase (b) sell out to sleazy
talk shows
9) Sell out to sleazy talk shows. Better than winning case.
and most importantly,
10) Always ask to see at least two ID's.
english.986dejanr,
I saw this in comp.unix.wizards. I think it belongs here...
Warner
From: jim@cs.strath.ac.uk (Jim Reid)
In article <1991Dec6.023729.19328@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu> creiman@ncsa.uiuc.edu
(Charl
Email or post, it doesn't matter to me. I'm not paying for the bandwidth.
There it is: a summary of USENET in 14 words.
english.987dejanr,
Free Software Folks FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Somewhere near MIT April 1, 1992
FSF announces GNU GNURM, the new, improved network worm!
Tired of old, outdated, buggy worms clogging up your system? Then
be happy to know that FSF, the people who've done more to destroy
intellectual property that anyone else, are proud to announce the
release of GNURM 1.0. Even better, GNURM is being released into
the public domain (and the public data networks), so it's
absolutely free. You don't have to go and get GNURM, GNURM will
come and get you!
What GNURM does:
Using advanced techniques that could only be programmed by people
who have grants, trust funds, or other means by which they don't
have to work for a living, GNURM roams the networks, using little
known bugs, stupid errors by sysadms, and other methods that you
couldn't possibly understand to ensconce itself in your system.
Once there, GNURM provides your system with the many benefits that
the FSF has decided you need!
* GNURM updates all your old, tired utilities to the
brand-new, shiny, GNU versions!
* GNURM's advanced AI frees your software from the bondage
of copyright laws by seeking out and destroying any
copyright statements in the code or source (thus saving
valuable disc space). GNURM's special GNUTRON BOMB
feature destroys intellectual property rights, while
leaving the code standing!
* Best of all, when GNURM has finished, it moves itself
onto your friends computer, spreading goodwill and
copylefts everywhere it goes.
Don't waste time, get GNU'd today!
Processor cycles are precious things, and it takes a lot of them to
crack your root password. This could result in some slowdowns for
your friends as GNURM tries to access your system. Don't be impolite.
Change your root password to GNU today! You'll be glad you did
tomorrow!
+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| Robert J. Woodhead, Biar Games / AnimEigo, Incs. trebor@foretune.co.jp |
| ``If you want to stab someone in the back, Bernard, you must first get |
| behind them!'' -- Sir Humphrey Appleby on the mechanics of politics. |
english.988dejanr,
A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishoners who he knew
as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed
that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his
fingers over the grit and grime. She replied, "They're as clean as soap
and water could get them". He felt a bit apprehensive but blessed the food
anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite
the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and barked
"Here Soap! Here Water!"
english.989dejanr,
Seen written on a stall in a mens bathroom in Wisconsin:
My wife follows me everywhere.
Written just below it:
I do not.
english.990dejanr,
Q: What is the difference between an Italian grandmother
and a Jewish grandmother?
A: One says, "If you don't eat, I'll kill you," and the
other says, "If you don't eat, I'll kill myself."
english.991dejanr,
Here is my third Institute of Fuzzy Science bulletin. I wrote it shortly
after The Bad News came out about Hubble...
IFS and the Hubble Space Telescope
There has been a great furor recently over the realization that
the Hubble Space Telescope is a very sick optical instrument.
Amidst finger-pointing and name-calling, it has become clear that
the optics involved were not tested adequately.
"We goofed," admitted one high-ranking NASA official, who
asked to remain anonymous. "I mean, what with one thing and
another, the space shuttle blowing up, bad weather in Washington,
and the rising price of dairy products...well, we were years behind
schedule. Years and years. Years and years and years. Who ever
thought we'd actually get around to launching the damned thing?
Then, you know, you let things slide for a while, then all of a
sudden, blammo, you've got to stuff the thing into the cargo bay,
and you suddently remember all the stuff you've been putting off,
like not taking down the storm windows at home, or filling out
your income tax returns, or testing the mirror with collimated
light. It could happen to anyone."
Yet in the cross-fire of accusations and bureaucratic
posterior-covering, the dedicated thinkers at the Institute of Fuzzy
Science have been quietly working to correct the problem. While
conventional scientific techniques look dubious at best, the bolder
approach of IFS may soon bear fruit.
"At JPL," commented Institute scientist Hier O. Nymous,
"they're talking about putting additional optics in the camera to
correct the problem. That's just giving the telescope a crutch to
lean on; it doesn't get at the root of the problem." Nymous's
solution is to boost into orbit a copy of See Without Glasses by
Ralph MacFayden. "With the proper exercises and the right mental
attitude, it should be able to correct the problem without artificial
aid. The paperback version of MacFayden's book could be purchased
and launched at very low cost."
Dr. Nymous, one of the Institute's most distinguished
scientists, is the author of numerous theories on almost as many
subjects. One of his most controversial ideas is that mass
extinctions have occured periodically throughout the history of
life, due to infections caused by the dumping of garbage from an
alien restaurant. This restaurant normally orbits the sun at a
distance too great to be noticed. Periodically, though, its highly
eccentric orbit brings it near the Earth, where it dumps the trash
that has accumulated in the previous several million years. For
evidence, he cites the much debated discovery of hamburger
wrappings in a layer of Jurassic rock. Detractors suggest that the
wrappings might have become mixed in with the other fossils by a
careless field worker, who'd been eating on the job. Nymous
dismisses these criticisms. His co-workers have suggested the
name "Nymous's" for the alien restaurant, and the theory is
commonly known as the '"Nymous's" hypothesis'.
Another Institute worker, Simon Earnest, questions the need
for the HST at all. "My radical new optical theory permits us to
make images here on the ground that are sharper than anything the
Hubble could provide, even if it were functioning perfectly," he
declares.
In proof of this he has produced a number of photographs of
distant galaxies. Individual stars stand out with remarkable
clarity against the darkness of the sky. No blurring at all is
observed, though Earnest claims that the shots are well beyond the
range of any telescope in use today.
"These stars," he says, "are so far away it just makes my head
swim. You know Timbuktu? It's like the corner store, compared to
this. I mean, we're talking far, here. Andromeda is in the next
room, by comparison. Mucho distant, do you get what I'm saying?"
On being shown the photographs, this reporter was surprised to
notice the presence of a watermark in the middle of the sky. When
asked whether these stars were not in fact just pinholes in a sheet
of black construction paper with a light behind it, Dr. Earnest
answered easily:
"Well, maybe a little. But it doesn't really make any
difference. You've seen one star, you've seen them all."
-- Anon E. Muss
english.992dejanr,
Bible scholars have long wondered how old Isaac was when his father
Abraham took him up to the mountain top to offer him as a sacrifice.
Through careful study of the story as related in the Old Testament,
based on the following facts:
1) Issac was old enough to understand the ritual of sacrifice,
2) Issac was old enough to carry wood for the fire to the top of the
mountain,
3) Issac was old enough to notice that they were not bringing an animal
for the sacrifice.
Therefore Issac's age, at this time, was greater than 8 years old.
Scholars also conclude that he was younger than 12 years old as
supported by the following fact:
If Issac had been older than twelve, he would have been a
teenager and it would not have been a sacrifice.
english.993dejanr,
How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
english.994dejanr,
A friend was being relocated from San Francisco to Athens, Greece for a two
year assignment. The relocation policy allowed him to bring up to 10,000 pounds
of possessions in each direction. However to prevent abuse he was allowed to
bring back only 1.5 times as much as he brought. Since he only owned about
2,500 pounds he called the VP Personnel at the East Coast headquarters and with
a terrific noise in the background shouted:
Friend: "Do I have this right. I can bring 10,000 pounds back from Greece, but
only if I bring 6,667 pounds with me?"
VP: "That's right."
Friend: "Well, I'm here at the South San Francisco Scrap Iron Works, and they
have a sale on anvils. Should I buy a couple of tons and ship them to
Greece? Or will you waive the policy?"
The policy was waived. The VP gave my friend a hand written note saying "...
can bring back up to 10,000 pounds with the exceptions of overweight Greek
women, significant pieces of the Greek coastline, and anvils."
english.995dejanr,
It's been said:
"Build a better mousetrap, and the world will beat a path to your door."
But that's not the purpose of a mousetrap, is it?
english.996dejanr,
>From The Capitol Steps' New Years special (player imitating George Bush):
I want to address this domestic issue thing. Three little
words: LOW INTEREST RATE.
When it comes to domestic issues, I have a LOW INTEREST RATE.
english.997dejanr,
>Renault's "Le car" has the words "Le car" painted in rather large
>letters on the side of the car. My French teacher in high school told
>the class that she once knew someone who hated his Le car so much, he
>changed the name on the side to...
>
> L'escargot
A couple of years ago, over here Renault ran a campaign along the lines of
"Why's your all new Renault 5 called..."
Dallas was still pretty popular then and someone came out with
"Why's your all new Renault 5 called Sue-Ellen?"
"Cos it drinks like a fish and's always breaking down"
english.998dejanr,
Here's my two elephant jokes that may be old, but good (ok, they're stupid,
but dammit, I like 'em!)
What is a mouse?
----> An elephant built by the Japanese!!!!
What do elephants use for tampons?
----> Sheep!!!!
english.999dejanr,
At our planned parenthood clinic, no one ever used the front door. So they
finally closed it off and moved a desk in front of it. Just in case, they
put a sign on the front door directing people to the door in use.
"Enter at rear"
english.1000dejanr,
There was this man and he was a huge fan and hobbiest of tractors. He
had posters of Zeiter and Massy-Fergusson on his wall, subscibed to
Tractor Monthly and basically his whole life revolved around tractors.
But there was one small problem. He had absolutely no luck with women - he
would go up to them in bars, buy them a drink but as soon as he mentioned
tractors they would just walk away.
So he decided to something about it. He visited a friend renowned for being
a ladies man and asked him what he was doing wrong.
"What do you mean ?" the friend asked
"Well I go up to them, buy them a drink but as soon as I start talking they
just walk away"
"What do you talk about ?"
"Well you know I'm big into tractors and all that, so I sometimes I might
mention the new turbo Zeiter or something "
"That could be your problem - tell you what, forget all about tractors for
a while, put them out of your mind, cancel the magazines, get rid of the
posters. Don't talk about them to anyone, especially the girls"
So he thought about it and decided to give it a go. One night he is in this
bar and he idles up to this nice attractive blond and starts a conversation
with her. About an hour and a half later he can't believe his luck, the
girl is still there! So they contiunue talking and have a few more
drinks and get to know each other even more.
But after a while, the girl starts rubbing her eyes and says
"My God the smoke in her is ridiculous! My eyes hurt so much, I'm gonna
have to get some clean air"
But he stops her and says,
"No don't go, I can solve this for you"
With this, he sucks in a HUGE breath of air, until his lungs almost
bulge out of his chest. He goes outside and exhales it. When he comes
back in, the air in the bar is totally clean and pure and the girl is
looking amazed and impressed.
"How the hell did you do that ?" she asked.
He shrugs and says,
"Well, you see I'm an ex-tractor fan"
english.1001dejanr,
First mention of an automobile was in Genesis:
"And God drove Adam and Eve from the Garden in His Fury."
(Thanks to Tom & Ray. That's "Klik & Klak" to you.)
english.1002dejanr,
A co-worker's 4 year old told her this one:
How do you catch an elephant?
You did a big hole, 20 feet wide and 30 feet deep and 60 feet
long (huge...). You spread a layer of ashes all over the bottom
and put a pile of peanuts in the center.
Then you hide in the bushes and wait for an elephant to smell
the peanuts. He will come up to the edge of the hole to sniff.
And you sneak up behind him and kick him in the ash hole.
(Perceptive little monster, that kid.)
english.1003dejanr,
A young man is at a bus stop and notices a blind woman next to him.
He decides to be evil for a moment and places his dick in her hand.
See turns to him and says " It's a cruel world isn't it."
He replies, confused "What to you mean?"
"Well ", she says, "Here I am born blind, and you
born with no nail on your thumb."
english.1004dejanr,
> I just heard this one from my brother. Don't know if it's been
> posted already, but here goes:
>
> Two lawyers are sitting at a table in a restaurant <use any favorite
> location here> and they see a very attractive woman walk by.
>
> The first lawyer turns to the second and says, " Boy, would I like
> to screw her!"
>
> The other lawyer pauses for a second, and responds, "Oh Yeah? Out of What?"
Two bums are sitting on a park bench, watching a dog lick himself.
"Gee," remarks one, "I sure wish I could do that."
"Well, maybe you can," comments the other, "but maybe you oughta try
petting him first."
english.1005dejanr,
Reality is just a sick excuse for those who are
unable to handle drugs.
So remember that Rome was not built in a day but
that Cleaveland was.
Remember also that constipation is a structured artform
but that diarhea is avant garde.