english.803dejanr,
The Iraqi Veteran's Association has announced that it will be protesting
outside the Minneapolis Metrodome during the baseball World Series. They
say that all the waving of "homer hankies" by Twins fans is demeaning and
degrading to Iraqi soldiers.
english.804dejanr,
One hot summer I worked for the "L'il Stinker" company, a guy down the
street from us that pumped septic tanks. It actually wasn't a bad
job. Most of my day was spent driving all over backwoods San Diego
County in a big white pickup truck (San Diego County still had
backwoods then). My job was to get to the customer in advance of the
tank truck, find the septic tank, and dig down to the lid so everything
would be ready when "Sweeney" got there with the tank truck. The tank
truck was great -- huge black monster with two white stripes running
down the back, a picture of a skunk, and his phone number. If you saw
it once, you remembered it instantly whenever your toilets backed up.
Over the course of the summer "Sweeney" told me a number of interesting
and possibly true stories. This has always been one of my favorites.
Sweeney got called out to this house in Rancho Santa Fe, a very ritzy
suburb. Typical problem, the toilets are backing up. Young husband
answers the door, tells him the tank is "out there" somewhere. Sweeney
goes out, finds and uncovers the tank, takes a look inside. It's got
zillions of condoms happily floating on top of the, ah, other
contents. They've floated up against the outflow hole, thereby
blocking up the whole system. Sweeney walks back up to the house and
brings the guy out to show him what the problem is. The guy is
obviously stunned, so Sweeney starts to explain that condoms don't do
well in a septic tank. The guy cuts him off and says between clenched
teeth, "I don't use them." He thinks it over for a minute, writes
Sweeney a check for the full bill, and tells him to just leave it like
it is. To this day he has no idea what happened when the wife got home.
english.805dejanr,
Gorbachev's handicap is that he too long tried to placate both the
democratic reformists and the party hardliners.
Bush's handicap is an 8.
english.806dejanr,
In the beginning there was ENIAC.
And the ENIAC was without language or form.
And so was created Machine Code. And it was Good.
On the second day, Hex was created. And it was good.
On the third day, Assembly Language was created. And it was good.
On the fourth day, Fortran was created and it was good.
On the fifth day, man programmed in Fortran. And it was very good.
And it was spoken: "Though may program in any of these, but the tree of
COBOL thou shall not partake for thou shalt surely pay for thine
transgresssions."
But, there was a hacker in the woods who took the form of a mini and
spake to the man and said "Thou shalt not pay for thine transgressions,
for he knoweth that if thou partakest, thou shall have power to program
large and wonderful things that shall be readable by others!"
So, the man partook of COBOL.
And it was spoken: "Thou hast partaken of the tree of COBOL:
Thou art doomed to write hundred thousand line programs,
be enslaved by IBM, and not have other good programming options for years."
And it was so. Many years passed. IBM dominated. Programs grew larger and
larger.
BASIC, Pascal, SNOBOL, PLI, Ada and many others came and went.
IBM dominated. And COBOL programs grew.
Then, as implied, a program came out of the telephone.
It spread to the universities who took it on and made it grow.
IBM tried to kill it many times, but after the PC was introduced,
it was inevitable. First, A. Written in Assembly, not COBOL.
Then B which was better that A.
Then finnaly C took full form and shape.
With UNIX, it launched into the market seemingly impervious to
COBOL's domination.
IBM tried again to kill it. Through security holes, and portability, and
unreadability IBM tried.
But C could not be quashed.
The implied savior of programming everywhere had come!
And the great COBOL could finally start to be removed.
Open systems and high capacity graphic's aided and spurred C on until there
was C for DOS, C++, and finally, C for the IBM series 3090.
And it was very good.
(to be continued ... maybe)
english.807dejanr,
"Our cable TV is having interference right now, is yours?"
"Not as far as I know... what channel are you watching?"
"We're not watching a channel. We're playing a tape."
english.808dejanr,
Mikhail Gorbachev believed in omens. He thought that the bird
following him around was the dove of peace. It was just a pigeon warning
"Coo, coo, coo."
english.809dejanr,
The congregation of a small stone church (in England?) decided that the
stone which formed the step up to the front door had become two worn by its
years of use, and would have to be replaced. Unfortunately, there were hardly
any funds available for the replacement. Then someone cam up with the bright
idea that the replacement could be postponed for many years by simply turning
the block of stone over.
They discovered that their great-grandparents had beaten them to it.
Now the renewable:
An entomologist at New College, Oxford ("New" because its only a few
centuries old), discovered beetles infesting the oak beams supporting the roof
of the Great Hall. It was fairly urgent that these be replaced before the roof
collapsed -- but anyone who has looked at the price of oak lately can tell you
that this was not something the college budget was prepared for.
Since oak from a commercial supplier was out of the question, someone
suggested that the college Forester be sent for. His job was to administer the
various scattered tracts of land that had been deeded to the college when it
was founded. The trustees hoped he might know of suitable trees on college
land.
It turned out that there was indeed a suitable stand of mighty oaks. They
had been planted when the college was founded, and down the centuries each
Forester had told his successor: "You don't cut those oaks; those are for when
the beetles get into the beams in the Main Hall."
english.810dejanr,
First...this is true. Entirely. Saw it in the newspapers and heard it from
comedian Mark Russell during a show of his that I worked on.
It seems that recently on the "Today" show, there was a white female guest
who was going to demonstrate self-defense she taught. She had brought along
one of her instructors, a black male, to be the "attacker" for the
demonstration. The staff at "Today" freaked, and insisted on replacing the
man, explaining that they could not be a party to such racist stereotyping.
The replaced the man with Bryant Gumbel.
english.811dejanr,
[Okay, so there aren't ten of them, but they are all quotes from
the recent Usenix/LISA conference in San Diego. All quotes, as well as
authors' names, are used with permission. -AA]
"Someone in the back row, raise your hand."
- Steve Shumway (shumway@central.sun.com),
making sure his mike was working
"We have the most [thorough] test guy in the world... [I showed him
this program and he asked,] 'but Rob, what if time runs backward?'"
- Rob Kolstad (kolstad@sun.com)
"Those Macintoshes aren't the cute little boxes you think they are."
- Elizabeth Zwicky (zwicky@erg.sri.com)
"I will not be presenting this talk in rap."
- Arch Mott (amott@mips.com)
"I like having a machine called 'elvis' on the network because
that way, I can say 'ping elvis' and have it come back with 'elvis is
alive'."
- Carl Shipley (carl@jpl-devvax.jpl.nasa.gov)
"Could I have optimized [this script] for legibility? Yes, but then
I would have had to use more slides."
- Tom Christiansen (tchrist@convex.com)
"I don't know why I didn't use an underbar here. Maybe it would have
made my line wrap or something."
- Tom Christiansen (tchrist@convex.com)
"You know, we really ought to do accounting on the Unix boxes. It
should be a ten-minute hack..."
- Former group head, 1987, quoted by John
Simonson (gort@cc.rochester.edu)
english.812miro,
Once little Srpce met a little Bugarce and noticed his haircut.
"What a fine haircut you have", said little Srpce, "but hey, didn't
I
see some other Bugari with the haircut of the same kind?"
"Oh yes", proudly agrees little Bugarce, "we all get the haircut
done
by the street machines!"
"???"
"You see", explains little Bugarce, "we have these huge machines on
our streets, each with the hole in the middle. You put your head
inside,
and there are knives going around----fik, fik, fik, ... ,
and the haircut is
done!"
"Ah", exclaims little Srpce, "that would not work with us. We all
have
heads of a different sizes."
"Well", smiles the Eastern Neighbour, "so did we ... at the
beginning ..."
O
/█>
Ů Ţ
▀ ▀ IMPORTED BY Dragisa.
english.813stal,
-> #812, miro> Once little Srpce met a little Bugarce and noticed his
> haircut.
:))))))))))
Mislim da nije fer da vicevi na engleskom nikad ne ulaze za vic meseca.
Ne bi bilo loše kad bi se i glasalo, odvojeno, i za "engleski" vic meseca.
Pa posle za francuski, španki, bugarski,.. :)
Sto da ne, još jednog čoveka usrećiti sa 30min...
english.814dejanr,
From Dennis Miller (paraphrased)
Ron Reagan (son) has a new talk show. I hope you all watch it. After
all we know what happens when a Reagan does badly in show business.
From comedian John Mendoza:
The popular Halloween costume this year is Pee-Wee Herman. It's cheap,
too, because you don't have to buy pants.
english.815dejanr,
The following is the best of what was generated by the spew automatic
news headline generator (program copyright 1987 Greg Smith), "almost"
unedited by me.
---
Madonna Gives birth to Seventy-Two Daughters.
-- Joan Rivers May Be Involved.
"Elvis Died From Eating Plums", Says Michael Jackson.
-- National Enquirer Photo Exclusive.
"Frank Sinatra Is Really Space Alien From Mars" Claim Swiss Voice Pattern
Recognition Researchers.
Chemists Discover Linda Ronstadt Was Married to King Henry VIII in Previous
Life
Croatian AI Experts resurrect Groucho Marx.
-- Ukranian AI Experts Offer Undeniable Proof.
Nancy Reagan Files Paternity Suit Against Joan Rivers -- Claiming Sex Change.
"Killer Tigers From Israel killed My Daughter" Claims Moammar Khadafy.
Cindi Lauper Maims Ninety-Seven TV Personalities in drunken rampage.
Real Life Ghost Busters Exorcise Poltergist from Prince Charles's home in
San Rafael.
Madonna Tells Of Night Of Terror With Johnny Carson.
"He Threatened Me With a Phased Plasma Rifle".
Killer Kittens injure Eva Gabor.
-- Exclusive Pictures Inside.
"I Am The Reincarnation of Cleopatra", Claims Linda Ronstadt.
Eating Tomatoes Can Give You Chicken Pox, Claim Japanese Psychologists.
"Santa Claus kidnapped My Baby", Insists Game Show Host.
Atheist Monks report USS enterprise Sighting in Salt Lake City
"They Came From The Direction Of Pluto!".
-- National Enquirer Photo Exclusive.
British Artificial Intelligence Researcher's Bizarre Claim:
"Russian Meta-physicists Planted Mind Control Device In My Head".
english.816dejanr,
Q: What is the world's tallest building?
A: KGB headquarters in Moscow. From it's *cellar*, you can see Siberia!
english.817dejanr,
Two skiers are at the top of a mountain discussing the best route down.
Skier 1: I know: we'll do a zig and then a zag.
Skier 2: No, that's far too dangerous. We'll have to do a zag first and
then a zig.
Skier 1: I think we could get away with doing the zig first. Let's ask
someone else.
A third man arrives at the top of the mountain clad in full
mountaineering safety gear, and the first skier turns to him:
Skier 1: Do you think we can get away with doing a zig and then a zag
here, or must wqe do a zag first, and then a zig?
Third man: I don't know, I'm sorry. I'm a tobogganist.
Skier 2: In that case, please can I have twenty Rothman's?
english.818dejanr,
Here are more snippets from the one liner file. While preparing RHF,
I collect short jokes that aren't quite worthy of an individual posting
in the one liner file. Every so often I put digests of these out to
the group. (Beware that some readers, such as NN, will mistakenly
present all these items in the digest as individual articles.
Undigestification is a stupid kludge, but you have to live with it.)
These short items may contain swearing, mature themes and stereotypes.
= = = = = = =
From: eric@abode.wciu.edu (Eric C. Bennett)
Subject: Jepordy Topic
I'll take LA Police Brutality on Videotape for $20 million, Alex.
(original joke)
If you can read this you aren't looking through the hubble space telescope!
= = = = = = =
From: joe@iris2400.dgi.com (Joe)
Subject: NO SUBJECT PROVIDED
Like my mom always said, "When your dad dies, then we'll be in heaven."
= = = = = = =
From: joe@lola.dgi.com (Joe)
Subject: duh!
You dropped your pocket!
-Joe Bullard
= = = = = = =
From: smf@cup.portal.com
Subject: Food Additive - source
This is original: Too disgusting for anyone else to imagine...
A new food additive, derived from the sweat on Michael Jackson's hands
after a concert. It will be used mostly in confections requiring
a smooth texture. Other uses may be derived. This additive will
appear on package labels as:
Partially Androgenated Palm Oil
Steve Field 8-)
= = = = = = =
From: msoques@mozart.amd.com (Martin Soques)
Subject: New motto for Texas car plates?
[from the local paper]
There is a move in the Texas legislature to put the words "The Lone
Star State" in our plain looking car plates. One representative
unsuccessfully tried to ammend it to "The Savings and Lone Star State."
Marty
= = = = = = =
From: ACCT05@medusa.cair.du.edu (Dr. Lindahl)
Subject: corporate philosophies
I was in a quality control meeting the other day got on the subject
of corporate cultures. We agreed that ours should be:
"We don't have time to think, we've got decisions to make."
Hope you find it amusing. I told this to my counterparts in
Computing Services. We came up with some variants.
"I don't have time to think, I've got programs to write."
= = = = = = =
From: Scott.Draves@woozle.graphics.cs.cmu.edu
Subject: political parties
Q: What's the difference between the Democrats and the Republicans?
A: The Republicans *know* that they are lying.
this might be original, but i doubt it.
= = = = = = =
Organization: University of Southern California, Los Angeles, CA
From: peracha@aludra.usc.edu
Subject: Three Liner
While car is moving, wife asks her husband...
Wife: Darling, can you drive with one hand
Husband: Oh sure I can :-)
Wife: Ok then, clean your nose with other hand...
= = = = = = =
Organization: Lenoir-Rhyne College, Hickory, NC
From: brian@lrc.edu
Subject: Sexual computing
From the sick minds in the computer lab late at night...
What happens when the hardware meets the software on the motherboard?
You spawn....
= = = = = = =
From: vanderwerkend@lonex.radc.af.mil (Dan Vanderwerken)
Subject: The Bride's Thoughts
I don't know how original this one is...I believe my Greek professor,
Dr. MacAdoo from Va Tech, told it to me about 10 years ago. I just found
written in my old text book yesterday. I thought it was worth submitting.
Question: What were the bride's thoughts while waiting for the marriage
ceremony to begin?
Answer: Aisle. Alter. Hymn.
= = = = = = =
From: sdussault@east.sun.com (STEVE DUSSAULT)
how do you know if someone likes moosehead???????????
look for antler marks on their thighs!!!!!!
= = = = = = =
From: zeek@gamma.net.com (Jim Zeek)
Subject: Homeless
(from an editorial cartoon of unkown origin)
Spraypainted on a wall in an urban getto
"If you lived here, you'ld be home now"
Jim Zeek
Network Equipment Tech.
zeek@net.com
= = = = = = =
From: JJM7609CSCI@apsu.bitnet
Person 1: How ya gonna do it?
Person 2: I'm Gonna PS/2 it!!!
Person 1: But that's only half a computer!
Person 2: That's ok! OS/2 is only half an operating system!
= = = = = = =
From: n3000@moscom.UUCP (MaxNet CAS Development)
Subject: FDA AND ANTI-ALZHEIMER DRUG
Regarding FDA advisory panel rejection of Warner-Lambert's anti-Alzheimer's
drug Cognex:
Government approval, with Ronald Reagan still alive and potentially able to
testify about Iran-Contragate? Don't think so! :-X
= = = = = = =
From: BUDGELL%NRCHEM.NRC.CA@vm.nrc.ca (DEREK BUDGELL)
Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: Things get worse under pressure
Original Source: Unknown
= = = = = = =
Organization: University of Delaware
From: galuska@udel.edu (Scott Galuska)
Subject: from the legendary Deer Park in Newark, DE
I found this on a condom machine at a local tavern...
"For a full refund, please deposit baby here!"
--
Scott Galuska
Dept. of Computer & Info. Science
Univ of Delaware
galuska@dewey.udel.edu
= = = = = = =
Subject: Could this be the sequel to Arachnophobia?
From: NU021927@vm1.nodak.edu (Roy M. Jacobsen)
A phobia is by definition an irrational fear.
Claustrophobia is an irrational fear of enclosed spaces.
Ailurophobia is an irrational fear of cats. (And, as a friend of
mine has observed, tooraloorailurophobia is an irrational fear of
Irish cats.)
Marty Helgesen <MNHCC@CUNYVM.BITNET>
= = = = = = =
From: herbw@wiskit.UUCP (herbw@wiskit.rain.com)
Subject: Speaking of Naughty Politicians
From Jonathan Nicholas' column in The Oregonian, Friday, March 29, 1991
This just in from a Nicholas Notifier up north. Everyone's favorite
farmer and political commentator off the interstate near Chehalis has
just come up with the prize line of his career.
"Limit congressmen to two terms. One in office. One in jail."
= = = = = = =
From: kcochran@isis.cs.du.edu (Keith Andrew Cochran)
Subject: Cute, Country&Western, singing.
Heard on The Comedy Channel recently...
"I could be a country-western singer. I just got done writing my latest song:
If I had met you earlier, I would have gotten rid of you long before now.
= = = = = = =
From: icsu8249@cs.montana.edu (Emmett)
Subject: Think tanks . . .
I was just sort of wondering:
If it's the thought that counts, why aren't
there more pregnant women around?
= = = = = = =
From: jetzer@studsys.mu.edu (Mike Jetzer)
Subject: Divorce statistics
Heard on the radio during the morning rush:
They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as
bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death.
= = = = = = =
From: IRVINMJ@wsuvm1.csc.wsu.edu (Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437)
Subject: The Perfect Housekeeper
Source: A college professor in Seattle (in response to recent Nutworks
joke re Robin Williams' "Divorce is Latin for..."
I recently told a friend of mine who was just divorced for the third time:
"Bob, the next time you feel like getting married, why don't you just find a
woman you don't like and buy her a house?"
= = = = = = =
Organization: The Dark Side of the Moon +1 408 245 SPAM
From: max@darkside.com (Max Pandaemonium)
Subject: Physics
Physicists define stress as force per unit area. The rest of humanity
defines stress as physics.
= = = = = = =
From: jeffg@loki.asd.sgi.com (Jeff C. Glover)
Subject: UNIX Curses Explained (original)
If you've checked your local technical bookshops lately, there is
a new paperback out, "UNIX Curses Explained."
Funny, I read through it and it wasn't at all what I expected.
= = = = = = =
From: trb@ima.isc.com (Andrew Tannenbaum)
Subject: fish abuse
(Yes, this is true.)
I went in to a restaurant and a waitress told me that today's special
was Blackened Bluefish. I asked her if it was battered.
Andrew Tannenbaum Interactive Cambridge, MA +1 617 661 7474
= = = = = = =
From: apratt@atari.UUCP (Allan Pratt)
Subject: Cary Grant
My dad told me this one a long time ago; I don't know where he got it.
Cary Grant was known to resist revealing his age. When somebody sent
him a telegram asking, "HOW OLD CARY GRANT?" he replied, "OLD CARY
GRANT FINE, HOW YOU?"
= = = = = = =
From: john@chance.UUCP (John R MacMillan)
Subject: Was it good for you?
Heard from a friend:
Q: What one word describes the absolute worst blowjob you have
ever had?
A: Fantastic!
= = = = = = =
From: mirk@system-simulation.co.uk (Mike Taylor)
Subject: Words of Wisdom (original)
Taylor's Laws of Programming
============================
(*) Never write it in C if you can do it in `awk'.
(*) Never do it in `awk' if `sed' can handle it.
(*) Never use `sed' when `tr' can do the job.
(*) Never invoke `tr' when `cat' is sufficient.
(*) Avoid using `cat' whenever possible.
english.819dejanr,
From an article on Sunsoft's plans to publish Solaris (SunOS) for
general Intel-based machines which appeared in the September 5 edition
of the San Jose Mercury News:
...
While programs written for Sun machines won't run unmodified on
Intel-based computers, Sun said the two packages will be completely
compatible and that software companies can convert a program from
one system to the other through a fairly straightforward and
automated process known as "recompiling".
english.820dejanr,
Jokers:
Being a subscriber to Vogon News Service, from time to time issues
will the humor section called Vogonballs .. Thot u would appreciate this
section.
CARY
<><><><><><><><> T h e V O G O N N e w s S e r v i c e <><><><><><><><>
Edition : 2397 Friday 30-Aug-1991 Circulation : 8325
VNS VOGONBALLS: [Dick Binder, VNS Humour
Editor]
=============== [Nashua, NH, USA
]
"In my new job i'll organize material which isn't available at the
moment."
- Email from unidentified individual
- from John Keogh (Nijmegen, Holland)
"And welcome to the Central Park on this the first Monday of the
week."
- DJ at night club
- from Anthony Gorman (Galway, Ireland)
"Please call immediately if you don't receive this."
- Note appended to a FAX message
- from Larry Hersh (Nashua, NH, USA)
"[Stratus Computer] stuck with fault-tolerant computers, designed
to keep working even if no parts fail."
- Boston Globe article
- from Tom Flaherty (Franklin, MA, USA)
"When Hugo hit South Carolina, Charlotte was devastated by tomatoes."
- Remark on hurricanes' potential for tornadoes
- from Deb Bourquard (Nashua, NH, USA)
"If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card ...
please tell a crew member."
- Safety information card in America
West Airline seat pocket
- from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)
"Except as provided in FAR 91.213, all instruments and equipment
installed on an aircraft MUST BE OPERATIVE IN ORDER FOR THE
OPERATOR TO OPERATE IT".
- FAA advisory circular
- from Keith Boardman (Nashua, NH, USA)
+------------------------------+
| Inexpensive, Quality Daycare |
| Openings Day and Night |
+------------------------------+
- Sign in front yard, York, Maine
- from David McDonell (Littleton, MA, USA)
"Tomorrow is going to look like a whole different day."
- CNN Prime News weather person
- from Dave Burden (Alpharetta, GA, USA)
"The Red Sox have another victory in the win column."
- Jim Boyd, WCVB-TV News, Boston
- from Paul Tinkham (Chelmsford, MA, USA)
"Three white matching Victorian fireplaces. Can be sold as a
pair. #1,500 o.n.o. each."
- Articles for Sale, Irish Times, 22 Aug 1991
- from Colin Becker (Clonmel, Ireland)
"Hurricane Bob is upon us! Don't go out and gawk at the damage,
let us do that for you!"
-Channel 13 News, Portland ME 8/19/91
- from Jody Bobbitt (Marlboro, MA, USA)
"The stock went flat because the FDA didn't approve a new breast
implant..."
- Nightly Business Report on PBS
- from Norma Comer (Dallas, TX, USA)
*** Send VOGONballs to VORTEX::CALIPH::BINDER, not to VNS ***
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
>
Permission to copy material from this VNS is granted (per DIGITAL PP&P)
provided that the message header for the issue and credit lines for the
VNS correspondent and original source are retained in the copy.
<><><><><><><><> VNS Edition : 2397 Friday 30-Aug-1991
english.821dejanr,
Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a saxophone?
A: Vibrato.
Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
A: He can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about
how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say "Not bad,
but I could've done better".
Q: How do you make a lead guitarist slow down?
A: Put some sheet music in front of him.
Last February we were in LA and happened to catch Frank Gambale at Le Cafe.
Frank was trying to introduce the next tune and drummer Tom Brectlein (sp?)
was doing the usual "annoying drummer" thing, which was to test his sticks to
make sure they were still evoking sounds from the skins.
In mid-sentence, Frank breaks off and turns around with a "Will you stop!?"
Back to the audience, he says, "Alright, he asked for it. How do you know
when there's a drummer at the door?" Blank looks. "The knocking speeds up."
Tom, not to take this silently, responded with, "What do you call two
guitarists
playing in unison? ... Counterpoint."
So this trumpet player dies, see? And when he reaches is everlasting
reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with
this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist
named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up
with his drums. "Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this
good." So the guy in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's
a girl singer."
english.822dejanr,
Brad,
Here's a story by myself that's rated IQ-17: It can be appreciated
only by people with an IQ under 17. The story has no copyright. It may
be a good candidate for rot13.
-------------- cut here ----------------------------------------------------
Unless his father is rich, a graduate student in computer science will
most likely end up supporting himself by working on university research
projects or, if he doesn't speak English, by teaching undergraduates. These
students make less than a freelance can recycler. A few students work
part-time at a useful craft or trade that supports them in comfort. I
decided that I would practice such a trade: Professional sperm donation, the
jack of all trades.
During my first visit to the sperm bank, I was taken to the office of
the doctor in charge. His walls were covered by medical degrees and citations
for his achievements in sperm preservation. One of the citations said
"Honorable Discharge", which I thought was a bit grandiose.
"It is of the utmost importance that semen samples remain sterile,"
the doctor explained.
"Sterile semen?" I oxymoroned.
"Thus, samples must be produced by unassisted direct manual
stimulation of the genital protuberance."
"Huh?"
"Choke the purple-helmeted love nazi."
"Oh."
"Furthermore, before the production of each sample, there must be
three days of abstinence."
"Three days? 4320 minutes! Is that really a good idea?" I had
visions of being rushed to the emergency room to have my scrotum lanced and
drained as it expanded like a Jiffy Pop bag. "I'm no doctor, but I think an
hour of abstinence is enough. I mean, we're not aging a fine wine, are
we?..."
I was scheduled for a donor room, where I would have to deliver
samples, piping hot, in 30 minutes or less. I didn't know if I could become
aroused under such conditions. I was of an impressionable age when I first
saw Racquel Welch in "Fantastic Voyage", and afterward I could only be aroused
by women who wore rubber diving suits and were covered by foot-long
antibodies. (These days, having your partner in a rubber suit covered with
large antibodies is not a bad idea.) I've since grown out of this habit.
Although now I can only become aroused by a woman if she turns the letters on
my "Wheel of Fortune" board game. I decided to get some men's magazines for
immoral support.
As a teenager I found Penthouse to be highly stimulating. (As a
teenager I found everything to be highly stimulating. I had to take up tennis
just to explain my tennis elbow.) However, Penthouse photographs are often
rendered in a diffused soft focus, which is why you go blind. Eyestrain is
the reason you often see men crying when they read the magazine.
Once, when I was fourteen, my father wondered if he should get a
subscription to Penthouse. "Great idea!" I panted. "It offers an insightful
editorial posture and interviews with personalities of topical interest."
He shrugged indifferently.
"You have to get it! You absolutely have to! It offers guides to
fashion and accessories, goddammit!" I shrieked before passing out. Now I've
started to actually read those articles. I used to put magazines under my
mattresss so they wouldn't be found; now they're there for lower back support.
I thought that, if I'm going to be a professional in a medical
facility, I should forget the over-the-counter products like Penthouse and
look for more potent prescription remedies in the shops of the red light
district.
These magazines did not have interviews with personalities of topical
interest. Their titles generally were the names of female body parts. One
was called "Female Body Parts". The magazines might serve a medical
professional as references of female anatomy and its many diseases, but they
were too much for me. I settled for this month's issue of "NBC Anchorwomen
in Chains".
As it turned out, I was able to wield Excalibur without anxiety in the
clinic's donor room, and I looked forward to returning there on my
twice-weekly visits. I didn't appreciate it at first, but I eventually
realized what a terrific room it was. It had a wicked, shameless chair, a
voluptuous, come-hither lamp and a coy, pouting paper towel dispenser.
However, the room was small, or perhaps it only seemed so because when there
I was usually homo erectus, so I was constantly upsetting lamps and clearing
shelves. Okay, maybe not.
I produced so many test specimens that the doctor could have built an
infant from scratch and avoided conception altogether. But after several
weeks, the testing was over and I was sent back to the doctor's office.
He said that I had been accepted into the program: my sperm count was
five times higher than average.
There it was. In seconds, I had become an awesome engine of
fertility, a sexual force to be feared. Condoms and diaphragms could be
shredded by my Zulu sperm cells as their superior numbers overwhelmed the
British outpost of the ovum. My minions could overcome any female
contraceptive resistance and commit countless acts of microscopic date rape.
My ego was further engorged by the fact I'd finally met someone who
wanted me just for my body. I was a sex object, meat on the hoof. The doctor
obliged by talking about me in the cold quantities of sperm counts and
motilities, reciting my "tale of the tape" as us pro athletes call it. He
also referred to donor candidates by number instead of name to preserve
anonymity. To the doctor I was The Man With No Name, a hired gun.
"A hun'rd and ten million! That's pretty good shootin', stranger.
What'd you say your name was again?"
"I didn't say...."
From now on, I would be paid. My one-armed bandit had consistently
hit the jackpot, and now I was going to cash in. Some guys think their penis
has a mind of its own. Mine had a career of its own.
It was during my next visit, as I approached the main desk, that I
first saw her: Candy the candystriper.
I had never been particular about my women. Two X chromosomes
sufficed. But Candy was different. Perhaps it was the three days of fluid
backing up into my brain that made her look like an angel floating toward me.
Perhaps it was her helium breast implants. All I knew was that I wanted to
suckle that bosom till I talked like Donald Duck.
She noticed my groin, which bulged handsomely due to the bag of ice
I put in my pants to keep down the swelling.
She gave me a specimen cup and I went into the donor room, where I was
great. A minute later I returned.
My headache was gone. I sauntered over to Candy's desk and turned
on the charm, which I can do pretty much at will.
"Sorry, but my cup runneth over with love."
She smiled the dazzling smile that is the gift of a woman with braces.
She said, "You might want to zip up your fly."
"Why, you eagle-eyed minx," I teased. "You've been watching my fly,
haven't you, like a photographer waiting for a glimpse of the Loch Ness
monster."
She giggled. "So, what do you do?"
"Here? Um, I do what all the other guys do. But better."
"I mean, what do you do for a living?"
I hung my head. "I'm a computer science graduate student."
"Really? Can you say something in computerese?"
"Awk grep sed lex yacc?"
She squealed with delight, and her sudden increase in body heat caused
her implants to expand. I had it made.
On our first date, I learned all about her. A woman of compassion,
she had bought a water bed because it made the fleet feel more at home. She
had also bought a high-tech, no-mess vibrator, only to learn it was an
electric orange juicer.
I thought it would be responsible of me to inquire about her medical
history. Her gynecologist had said that, though she needed retreads, she
didn't have any social diseases. This was a relief because it meant the
president wouldn't have to order a stand down of all naval operations. Her
neurologist had said that her brain was still a virgin, its fragile tissues
untouched by knowledge.
Her favorite literary work was Kafka's "Metamorphosis". She hadn't
read it, but she had seen an ad for the promo of the music video. She could
emphathize with a human mind that finds itself trapped inside the body of an
insect, because she suffered the opposite problem.
She was my girl of my dreams.
Toward the end of the evening, I made my move. "Pound bang slash bin
slash cush semi ell ess minus ell splat."
She fell against me, nearly swooning. Should I strike while the iron
is hot? The sperm bank had already scheduled to within 4 minutes every
ejaculation I would have in the next year. But how often does a man find true
love? I decided I would service both Candy and the sperm bank, spreading
myself thin, so to speak.
"Candy, would you like to go to my place and view my itchings? We
could practice CPR. I'll check you for tumors. Maybe a lower GI series?"
We got to my apartment and with a flourish I opened the door to my
my lair of lust. "Welcome to my Altar of Ecstasy, my Boudoir of Bliss."
"Gee, it looks just like a sperm donor room."
We wasted no time. She was so hot her bust deployed like a Chrysler
air bag. All night it was twiddle twiddle twiddle pipe mount socket pound
bang pound bang splat return. Consummate, consummate, consummate.
In the morning I staggered to the sperm bank. The vigor of youth had
abondoned me. I needed a heavy styling mousse to achieve the hardness needed
to raise my flag over Iwo Jima and produce a specimen. The cup would've held
more microbes if it was filled with Jersey tapwater.
Unfortunately, the doctor chose that day for a spot check of my
handiwork. He looked at my specimen under a microscope, but couldn't find
anything. He continued hunting for Red October and finally found a sperm.
It tried to swim, but then it grabbed its chest and rolled over.
So, my career ended as soon as it started. But my romance has
flourished. Candy has proven to be a challenging libidinal dynamo, but
nothing me and some new vacuum cleaner attachments can't handle.
english.823dejanr,
"The GTA Student Bible"
As recorded by the disciple Tracy Atteberry
Parable of the Teaching Assistantship
1 And it came to pass that the graduate students received the teaching
assisgnments.
2 That same day went the graduate students with great fear out of thier
offices and sought the counsel of one who was but a.b.d. (all but dissertation)
3 And great multitudes were gathered together unto him, so that he went
into a classroom and stood; and the whole multitude was seated with great
eagerness.
4 And he spake many things unto them in parables, saying: "Behold, a GTA
went forth to teach;
5 And when he taught, some truths fell by the way side (largely due to
mumbling), and no ears did receive the message.
6 Some fell upon heads made out of bone, where they had not much
thought: and forthwith their hands sprung up because their minds were shallow.
7 And when the test was up, their brains were scorched; and because they
had no understanding, they dropped the class.
8 And some truths fell among stray thoughts; and the stray thoughts
sprung up, and choked them:
9 But other fell into good minds, and brought forth homework, some an
hundred percentile, some seventy percentile, some sixty percentile.
10 Who hath ears to hear, let him hear.
.
.
.
14 In them is fulfilled the prophecy which saith:
'By hearing ye shall hear,
and shall not understand;
and seeing ye shall see,
and shall not perceive.
15 For some student's minds hath waxed lethargic,
and their ears are dull of hearing,
and their minds they have closed.
Lest at any time they should see with their minds,
and should understand with their thoughts,
and should turn, and we would teach them.'
.
.
.
18 Listen then to what the parable of the GTA means:
19 Do not worry saying, 'What shall we teach?' or 'How shall it be
presented?' or 'How shall the curve be determined?'
20 For the uninformed chase after all of these things, and the graduate
school knows that you need them.
21 But seek ye first thine own studies, and concern for thine own g.p.a.
and all this funding (the Graduate Teaching Assistantship) shall be added unto
you as well.
Parable of the First Semester
1 Once again, the kingdom of the graduate school is like a net that was
let down into the sea of the undergraduate and caught every kind of student.
2 When the openings were full, the graduate committe drew the catch onto
the campus. Then they sat down and gathered the good into better offices, but
cast the bad away.
3 So shall it be at the end of the first semester: the sealed envelope
shall come forth and sever the unfortunate from the fortunate,
4 And shall cast them into the furnace of industry where there will be
weeping and biting of backs.
5 Therefore every student which is instructed unto the graduate school
is like unto a man that is a householder, which bringeth forth out of his
storeroom understanding new and old.
english.824dejanr,
Here are more snippets from the one liner file. While preparing RHF,
I collect short jokes that aren't quite worthy of an individual posting
in the one liner file. Every so often I put digests of these out to
the group. (Beware that some readers, such as NN, will mistakenly
present all these items in the digest as individual articles.
Undigestification is a stupid kludge, but you have to live with it.)
These short items may contain swearing, mature themes and stereotypes.
= = = = = = =
Organization: Westinghouse, ITTC, Pgh, PA.
From: fpb@ittc.wec.com (Frank P. Bresz)
Subject: VAXES
VAX: A machine for the 80's, and it still is.
Quoted from : Don Perkins <perkins@cgi.com>
= = = = = = =
From: jmd@cbnewsm.att.com (Joseph M Dakes)
Subject: Football and Sex
Q: How is football similar to oral sex?
A: Whoever wins the toss usually elects to receive.
= = = = = = =
From: MEDAD%ILNCRD@vms.huji.ac.il
Two friends went to a striptease show. Despite the air-conditioning,
one noticed that his companion was sweating profusely.
Concerned, he asked his friend, "Is it too hot for you in here"?
"No", replied the other, "It's not the teat but the tumidity".
= = = = = = =
From: 860099w@aucs.acadiau.ca (Marty Ward)
Subject: PMS Joke
Overheard at the secretaries' office area where I work.
Q: What is the definition of PMS?
A: Putting up with Men's Shit.
= = = = = = =
From: psgeorge%ecuvm1.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca (Pam George)
Subject: deaf joke
Original!
While driving back from vacation,my husband and I passed a church
for the deaf. Being partially deaf,I pointed it out to my husband. He said he
guessed that the preacher only went through the motions.....
= = = = = = =
From: heller2@husc.harvard.edu (Joshua Heller)
Subject: possibly original joke
Said while trying to convince a friend to stop spending so much time in rn:
"Usenet is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read"
I thought it was funny enough at the time that I had to, well, post it.
= = = = = = =
Subject: Intel/AMD lawsuit
From: apple.com!well!alcmist@decwrl.UUCP (Frederick Wamsley)
<original, as far as I know>
Intel CEO Andy Groves responded to AMD's allegations against Intel by
calling AMD "the Milli Vanilli of the chip business".
This suggests interesting possibilities. Is Intel the Frank Sinatra
of the chip business? Is IBM the Barry Manilow of systems? Apple
is clearly the Madonna of personal computers. Data General would be
the Guns 'n Roses of minis.
And I won't even tell you who Microsoft is!
= = = = = = =
From: al@calsci.UUCP (Al Petterson)
Subject: Imitation is the sincerest form of...
My fiancee on occasion pretends to be a dumb blonde, which she does
uncannily well, despite being brilliant and raven-haired. She said the
following to me yesterday (tongue in cheek):
"Sherri wanted to, y'know, play this game on her Macintosh, and so she,
y'know, asked me for help 'cause she was having problems getting it to load
-- but I don't know why, 'cause I don't know anything about the Mac, since
all the computers at work are PC's, right? But you know what? I played
with it for a minute and it's just like that Windows program! Except I
don't think they did as good a job with it as they do on the PC."
= = = = = = =
From: mcb@presto.ig.com (Michael C. Berch)
Subject: Rodney King, yet another...
Heard at a writers' conference in L.A. last week:
Q. Why did the L.A. cops leave the ballgame early?
A. They wanted to beat the crowd!
= = = = = = =
From: ECZ5SEE@mvs.oac.ucla.edu (naomi seeger)
Subject: democracy
Q: So what's an onomatopia?
A: A socio-governmental system that just sounds good.
= = = = = = =
From: labarge@nscs1.nscses.sea06.navy.mil (])
Subject: modifify a cliche to invent good physics
Quantum particles: the dreams that stuff is made of.
--David Moser
= = = = = = =
From: APUCORLE@idbsu.UUCP
Subject: Lowe
Heard on the radio this morning:
Rob Lowe has been signed to star in the movie "Wayne's World" as a
cost saving move by the studio. You see, he's already filmed the sex scene.
= = = = = = =
From: dhw@iti.org (David H. West)
Subject: Yet Another Lightbulb
Q: How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to climb the ladder, and the other to hand him up the
penis^H^H^H^H^H light bulb.
[heard from Jay Ungar, revised for ASCII by sender]
= = = = = = =
From: msentell@resdgs1.UUCP (Mark Sentell)
Subject: smirk, funny
An original, and hopefully the last Pee-Wee Herman joke ever told.
Pee-Wee Herman give new meaning to the term "slap-stick humor"
= = = = = = =
From: schumach@starman.convex.com (Richard A. Schumacher)
Subject: I grieved, for I had no cash...
...'til I met a man who had no credit cards.
= = = = = = =
From: lucena@verity.com (John Lucena)
Subject: RE: Summer Movies.
Hi,
Those guys from UNC forgot my favorite summer movie:
Sleeping with the Public Enemy.
(julia roberts does the nasty with Chuck D, Terminator X and
professor Grith and the whole S1W squad!)
-john
= = = = = = =
From: vvergara@pica.army.mil (V I C T O R)
Subject: Bar scenes
Heard from an office mate.
Claims it is a true story.
There is a bar out west that has an open bar in the front and instead of the
back room filled with pool tables, they have poker tables. At this bar, they
sell t-shirts to generate extra funds that says:
"Liquor up front, Poker in the rear"
= = = = = = =
From: jonathan@procase.UUCP (Jonathan Ganz)
Subject: twisted cliches
Prosecutors will be violated.
Honesty is a changing policy.
= = = = = = =
From: hobson@header.enet.dec.com (Hobson's Choice 22-Aug-1991 0821)
Subject: Glorified title and job description can be attractive ... ??
From The Daily Egyptian, the student newspaper of Southern Illinois
University at Carbondale, July 25, 1991, page 10.
GIANT CITY LODGE now hiring busboys and ceramic engineers (dishwashers).
We're looking for a few sharp people who can hustle. call 457- 4921
= = = = = = =
From: ray@biovision.utoronto.ca (Ray Deonandan)
Subject: cheetah
If Tarzan is an engineer, and Jane is an engineer, what does
that make Cheetah?
A: designated driver.
= = = = = = =
From: haaker@casbah.acns.nwu.edu (Laure Haak)
Subject: August Respite
The real reason for the collapse of the coup in the Soviet Union
has now become clear. The Soviets have managed to gain what
Americans have been trying to get for more than 200 years:
a national holiday in August.
Laure Haak
haaker@casbah.acns.nwu.edu
= = = = = = =
From: ejo@kaja.gi.alaska.edu
Subject: more CCCP COUP humor
How many Coup leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
Give up?
Well, more than eight, anyway...
= = = = = = =
Organization: gnat - Dunellen, NJ
From: ahm@gnat.UUCP
Subject: I didn't know that!
Overhead on TV:
Did you know that automobile air-conditioning was invented by
three little old Jewish guys? Sure... I can prove it.
Their names are on your dashboard: Max, Norm and Hi.
= = = = = = =
Organization: None, Mt. Laurel, NJ
From: bill@twwells.com (T. William Wells)
Subject: Every programmer's favorite
From Scientific American, July 1991, in the Mathematical
Recreations column:
The column describes an insect-like robot and then relates an
incident in which a curious visitor, on seeing the thing for the
first time, asks "is it a bug?" The reply: "No, it's a feature".
= = = = = = =
From: snowem@dev.sas.com
Subject: word play
Heard on WRDU FM Raleigh, NC. . .
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?
= = = = = = =
From: BEEZER@ups.edu (Rob Beezer)
Roseanne Barr Arnold has sued her talent agency for fraud. She is
asking $60 million in damages - $30 million only is for punitive
damages, the other $30 million is for groceries.
Bob Rivers, KISW radio
english.825dejanr,
Here are more snippets from the one liner file. While preparing RHF,
I collect short jokes that aren't quite worthy of an individual posting
in the one liner file. Every so often I put digests of these out to
the group. (Beware that some readers, such as NN, will mistakenly
present all these items in the digest as individual articles.
Undigestification is a stupid kludge, but you have to live with it.)
These short items may contain swearing, mature themes and stereotypes.
= = = = = = =
From: mickfm@deakin.oz.au
What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take it for a drag.
= = = = = = =
From: patti@hosehead.intel.com
Subject: Documentation Musings
While discussing product proposals lately, we began to wonder about
something.
Is the word spec short for specification, or for speculation?
= = = = = = =
From: cep@apple.com (Christopher Pettus)
Subject: An Elegant Insult
Passed on to me by a friend ...
They had a guy on NPR this morning, hawking his new book about
the art of the insult. His favorite insult of all time took
place between two members of the French legislature (I think;
I didn't pay much attention to the historical details):
Politician 1: You, my friend, will surely end up on
the gallows or poxed.
Politician 2: That depends, of course, on whether I
embrace your philosophy, or your mistress.
= = = = = = =
From: SBROWN@kentvm.kent.edu (Steven R. Brown)
Subject: MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT TERMS
the elderly = the chronologically gifted
= = = = = = =
Organization: Wayne State University
From: MEDELMA@cms.cc.wayne.edu
Subject: Thanksgiving Phobias
From our staff artist/Hypercard wizard, Eric Iverson:
"...This time of year it's quite common for people to
suffer from Cornuphobia...that is, Fear of Plenty..."
= = = = = = =
Organization: Johns Hopkins University
From: levene@aplcen.apl.jhu.edu (Robert A. Levene)
Subject: Not Necessarily the news.*
Edited slightly and reprinted with permission
from the .signature of cdr@hobbes.amd.com (Carl Rigney) ...
"Imminent Death of the Net Predicted. GIFs at 11."
Rob (levene@aplcomm.jhuapl.edu)
= = = = = = =
From: jsb@panix.UUCP (J. S. B'ach)
Subject: New Answers to Old Questions
Q. When is a door not a door?
A. When it's Val Kilmer.
= = = = = = =
From: danthrax@triton.unm.edu (Loki)
Subject: bagpipes
{Heard this from one Fred Tart, President of Sandia Budokan}
Gentleman: (n) A man who knows how to play bagpipes... and refrains.
= = = = = = =
From: vahalia@xlib.enet.dec.com (12-Apr-1991 1319)
Subject: looking for love in all the wrong places
Q. What do horny French tourists do in Pakistan?
A. Go to Lahore
= = = = = = =
Subject: Secretarys' Week
From: eliot@dg-rtp.dg.com (Topher Eliot)
In honor of National Secretarys' Week, enlightened employers should know
the correct way to spell "praise".
Without the "p".
= = = = = = =
From: mccap@cobalt.cco.caltech.edu (jim)
Subject: Overheard
Overheard in a bar:
"I just don't understand. Though I begin to suspect it's something about my
attitude towards women that keeps me from getting laid...."
= = = = = = =
From: bank@lea.csc.ncsu.edu (Belgarath the Sorcerer)
Subject: Quoted from a microbiology grad student
Graduate School: It's not just a job, its an indenture.
(My girlfriend was the first one *I* ever heard say this, but someone
else says they heard it before so we can't claim originality)
= = = = = = =
From: john@sequent.com (John Vander Borght)
Subject: Latest Music Scandal
This occurred to me this morning while I was watching M-TV here in Munich
(its the only English language channel in my hotel).
We've all heard of the Milli Vanilli and Paula Abdul controversies, now
there is a rumor that Bart Simpson is lip-synching on "Do the Bartman".
It seems like someone must have said this before so sorry if it's old, but I
did think of it myself.
= = = = = = =
From: MONET01@umcvmb.UUCP (Gerry Howser)
Subject: pinball, theory, Howser's Law
This is semi-origional, one of those "over many pitchers of beer" findings.
Howser's Law of Negative Balance (also known as the Pinball Theory of Balance)
"Any situation can be driven to a point of 'negative balance' which is that
point at which whatever you do, including doing nothing, will make matters
worse". A prime example of this is pinball. In pinball, when you are really
racking up the points, anything you do will make it more likely that you will
lose the ball or tilt.
= = = = = = =
From: MEDELMA@cms.cc.wayne.edu (Michael Edelman)
Subject: unix humor
Another from staff ace Eric Iverson (eiverso@cms.cc.wayne.edu) relayed
by request:
Unix weenies? That's a contradiction in terms...
= = = = = = =
From: bryan_cardoza@npd.novell.com (Bryan Cardoza)
Subject: What kind of humor?
True story:
After regaling my wife with the latest contributions to this
group, she asked, "Just where do you read 'rectal humor dot
funny?'"
= = = = = = =
From: sshapiro@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Stewart Shapiro)
Subject: just a little off season
Heard this from a friend:
Q: What did the blind person say when given some matzah?
A: Who the hell wrote this?
= = = = = = =
From: jms@netcom.com (John Schonholtz)
Subject: And thank you for flying....
[A flight announcement heard by a friend, on an airline that shall remain
nameless.]
"Ladies and gentleman, we have just found out that we have a very special
passenger with us. Today he is celebrating his 100th birthday.
So let's all give a big hand to the pilot!"
= = = = = = =
From: mjl@cs.rit.edu (Michael J Lutz)
Subject: Joke about aging -- mildly funny or depressing -- you pick
[
This will appeal to those who were around before timesharing
was common. It will have less immediate impact on those who think
timesharing has to do with reserved weeks at condos.
]
A cardiologist friend told me after his last birthday:
``There's one nice thing about turning 45: you no longer have
to worry about a *premature* heart attack."
Mike Lutz
Rochester Institute of Technology
mjl@cs.rit.edu
= = = = = = =
From: rog@ingres.com (Roger Taranto)
Subject: Some Oracle Jokes
These jokes appear in Computing 25/4/91:
Why should you never pick up the receiver while passing a public telephone?
Because it's an Oracle salesman making a cold canvas.
= = = = = = =
From: J.M.MORRIS@genie.com (JoJo)
Subject: MUPPET JOKES
Summary: WHY CANT MISS PIGGY COUNT TO 100???
Kermit has decided not to dabble in the commodities markets
any longer....
He lost his wad in pork bellies
= = = = = = =
From: enger@seka.scc.com (Robert M. Enger)
Subject: Virgins
What do you call a virgin in New Jersey? A tourist.
What do you call a virgin in West Virginia? An orphan!
= = = = = = =
From: weiswnge@phoenix.princeton.edu (Thomas J Weisswange)
Subject: Another Lightbulb Joke
Saw this one in the Nassau Weekly (Princeton):
How many University of Chicago Economics professors does it take to change a
light bulb?
None. If the bulb needed fixing the market would have done it.
= = = = = = =
From: scleary@math.ucla.edu (Sean Cleary)
Subject: Bo Jackson's misfortunes
From Vin Scully, Dodgers's radio announcer:
Did you here what they'll call Bo if his knee injury loses him
his Nike contract?
"Shoeless" Bo Jackson.
= = = = = = =
From: youraa%morekypr.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca
Subject: original haiku
Meditation on hard-drive maintenence:
Immovable blocks
Multiply like cancer cells.
I need a new disk.
= = = = = = =
From: yawei@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu (mr. yawei)
Subject: Commercialism
(I believe this is original)
A: (melodically) ... I like the Sprite in you!
B: Thanks ... but it's all in the bladder.
= = = = = = =
From: nyo@dcs.exeter.ac.uk (Neil Youngman)
Subject: recession (one liner)
Heard on "Any Questions" a radio four discussion programme:
Due to the current economic situation the management have decided that the
light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off until further notice
= = = = = = =
From: dukach@ptt.lcs.mit.edu (Semyon Dukach)
Subject: Zen, original
Q: Does a cow have Buddha-nature ?
A: Mu
= = = = = = =
From: MILLERC@beloit.edu
Subject: Computer nerds
"Computer nerds are people who know 256 different ways to have sex but don't
know any women to try them on." -John Payson Class of '93 @ Beloit College
= = = = = = =
From: leban@par3.cs.umass.edu (Bruce Leban)
Subject: Secrets from the gulf war...
It's not very well known yet that the gulf war was actually the first field
test of two US missiles: the Patriot and the Edsel. The Patriot was built
by the private sector under government contract. The Edsel was built by
civil service employees. In its first field test, the Patriot performed
flawlessly. The Edsel did not do so well. It had the same problem we
always have with civil service employees: it didn't work and it couldn't be
fired.
english.826dejanr,
Here are more snippets from the one liner file. While preparing RHF,
I collect short jokes that aren't quite worthy of an individual posting
in the one liner file. Every so often I put digests of these out to
the group. (Beware that some readers, such as NN, will mistakenly
present all these items in the digest as individual articles.
Undigestification is a stupid kludge, but you have to live with it.)
These short items may contain swearing, mature themes and stereotypes.
= = = = = = =
From: CMYERS@sctnve.UUCP
Subject: NO SUBJECT PROVIDED
This was taking from the 11/26/90 issue of the Gwinnett Daily News:
Something to think about...
Radar spelled backwords is... radar.
This explains how state troopers can get you coming and going.
= = = = = = =
From: JRP1@phoenix.cambridge.ac.uk (Jonathan R. Partington)
Subject: Unpopular ministers
Jokes about Kenneth Clarke, when U.K. Secretary of State for
Health.
What do you call a man who ignores doctors' advice? The health
secretary.
Kenneth Clarke dies this morning. Doctors said his condition was
'satisfactory'.
Now that KC has become Education Secretary, the first joke has
been updated:
What do you call a man who doesn't listen to what his teachers
tell him? The education secretary.
= = = = = = =
From: 6500erik@ucsbuxa.bitnet
Subject: A joke for philosophers
Why did the epistemologist cross the road?
I don't know.
= = = = = = =
From: briond%gold.gvg.tek.com@relay.cs.net (Brion Dunbar)
Subject: New radio station
May be offensive to some. I heard this one from my wife.
Did you hear about our new local radio station? Call letters are KPMS.
The format is 3 weeks of the blues followed by a week of ragtime.
= = = = = = =
From: INGRAM@usmcp6.UUCP (JONATHAN INGRAM)
Subject: Rainman
It occurs to me that in Rainman, when Tom Cruise says that Dustin
Hoffman should work for NASA and then changes his mind after the
doctor asks Hoffman how much would be left from a dollar if he
spent 50 cents and Hoffman replied 70 cents. It seems to me that,
if he can spend money that way, that he should be working for the
government.
After all, at least he realizes that some is missing after he spends
it.
Jonathan W. Ingram <INGRAM@USMCP6.BITNET>
= = = = = = =
From: physi-bq@garnet.berkeley.edu (Justin R. Bendich)
Subject: News Bulletin
Be on the lookout for a leopard which escaped from the zoo early this morning.
It was spotted near the corner of 12th and Cherry at around 8 AM, and in all
likelihood still is.
= = = = = = =
From: ezk@cunixf.cc.columbia.edu (Erez Zadok)
Subject: Sign of the Times.
This is a variant on an old joke as I understand it. I do not know who
wrote it originally. One day I found the first 3 lines on the whiteboard in
our CS department's lounge room, a few days later someone else added the
forth. I added the last line. It's probably the Quals Stress Syndrome. :-)
"To be is to do." <- Nietzsche
=> "To do is to be." <- Kant
=> "do be do be do" <- Frank Sinatra
=> "Yabba dabba doo" <- Fred Flintstone
=> "Dooooohhhhh!" <- Homer Simpson
= = = = = = =
From: enigma@bruce.cs.monash.oz.au (Steven Gardner)
Subject: a small light dawns...
Q: How many minimalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
= = = = = = =
From: rivett@cpsc.ucalgary.ca (Michelle Rivett)
Subject: Men vs Women
This joke was overheard on the bus. Source unknown
"If we can put a man on the moon ....
why don't we put them all there."
= = = = = = =
From: okunewck@psuvax1.cs.psu.edu (Phil OKunewick)
Subject: YALBJ
Q: How does an American change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't. He throws the lamp away and buys a new one.
(BTW - Disposable flashlights are usually Made In Taiwan.)
= = = = = = =
From: Paul.Gillingwater@actrix.gen.nz (Paul Gillingwater)
Subject: Original T-shirt message
Idea for a Zen T-shirt design (original):
"Enlightment Available: Enquire Within"
Also seen (but not original):
A T-shirt with a picture of the Immortal Bard (not Bart) on it, and
the caption:
"Will Power"
That leads me to the idea of a T-shirt with Bart Simpson on it:
"The Immortal Bart"
= = = = = = =
From: cichlid@portia.stanford.edu (David Neiman)
Subject: Haiku (from dt@yenta.alb.nm.us)
"Twice five syllables
Plus seven can't say much but
That's Haiku for you."
= = = = = = =
From: drc@beach.cis.ufl.edu (David Cabana)
Subject: three kinds of nuts
I heard this joke from a gentleman in one of my math classes.
Q: What do you have if there are nuts on the wall?
A: Walnuts.
Q: What do you have if there are nuts on your chest?
A: Chestnuts.
Q: What do you have if there are nuts on your chin?
A: A dick in your mouth.
= = = = = = =
From: bill@twwells.com (T. William Wells)
Subject: I didn't know that....
True:
While travelling near Tampa, Florida, we went by the "Jehovah's
Witness Assembly Hall"; on spotting this, my wife exclaimed: "so
THAT's where they make them!"
= = = = = = =
From: chas@sybase.com (chas)
Subject: original joke
The other day I put my wrists in front of my eyes. I had carpal tunnel vision
syndrome.
= = = = = = =
From: goldberg@turing.toronto.edu (Jody Goldberg)
Subject: Iraqi Language Barrier
TRUCE : from the iraqi meaning to reload
= = = = = = =
From: TCOMEAU@scivax.stsci.edu (Chairman, Von Neumann Catastrophe Relief Fund)
Subject: Soviet Humor: Societies in transition
What is the transition stage between capitalism and communism?
Alcoholism.
From "Suddenly, The American Idea at Home and Abroad", George F. Will,
1990, The Free Press, New York.
tcomeau@stsci.edu (Tom Comeau @ Space Telescope Science Institute)
= = = = = = =
Organization: Reuter:file Ltd.
From: loc@tmsoft.UUCP (Leigh Clayton)
Subject: Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.
From Sam Sexton, in Coventry:
At dinner yesterday I came up with the following definition of a good modern
Catholic - it caused quite a laugh and it was suggested that I submit it to
RHF. It's short and simple - no contraception on Fridays. /Sam
= = = = = = =
From: PATZNER@dbninf5.UUCP (Achim Patzner)
Subject: McDonalds (tm?)
Q: How do you find out if a Scot is a McDonald?
A: Lift his kilt; if you find a quarterpounder, he *IS* a McDonald.
english.827nick,
What do you get when you cross a computer and a prostitute?
A system that will always go down on you.
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwomen?
Snowballs.
_____________________________________________________________________
What do you call a girl with no arms and legs on the beach?
Sandy.
_______________________________________________________________________
What should you do in case of fallout?
Reinsert and take shorter strokes.
__________________________________________________________________________
english.828ndragan,
Q: who is the happiest clerk in the world?
A: pope. every morning he has the pleasure to see his boss crucified.
english.829lanik,
Q > what is the differance between the ST and the SPECTRUM ?
A > The midi ports !!!
english.830squsovac,
what does an insomniac, dyslexic and agnostic do?
he stays up all night wondering whether there is dog.
(osoba x)
english.831dejanr,
In Europe (the EEC) we appear to have diverged from American teaching in the
90'
1990's (EEC)
------------
A farmer produces, at a cost of $8, a bag of potatoes which used to sell for
$10 during the 1980's. However, he has produced so many potatoes that there
is no longer any demand, so he adds this bag to an ever increasing pile of
already rotting potatoes and the government gives him $14 in compensation.
Explain why social conditions were not ripe in previous decades for this
method of doing business to be effective.
-----
Ed Jones, Hemel Hempstead, Herts, England
english.832dejanr,
My brother and sister-in-law just had a baby. While visiting
them I noticed a chess clock in the nursery. My sister-in-law
explained that she uses it to equalize my nephew's nursing time
on each breast. They call it a CHEST clock.
english.833dejanr,
"Personal" ad in local paper: David G. Contact me soon! Bring three rings:
Engagement, wedding and teething. Have news. Debbie.
english.834dejanr,
(This occured to me while reading an article about Microsoft stock)
I've figured out why Microsoft joined the ACE coalition, agreeing to
port NT to the R4000 chipset:
Intel's 32-bit integer architecture is no longer enough to calculate
Bill Gate's net worth.
english.835dejanr,
From 'Operating System Concepts, 3rd Edition' by A. Silbershatz, J.
Peterson, and P. Galvin: In the section introducing
'multiprogrammming', the book makes an analogy to try to make things
clearer:
[..discussion of CPU switching from job to job instead of waiting for
I/O to finish on current job...]
"This idea is quite common in other life situations. A lawyer does
not have only one client at a time. Rather, several clients may be in
the process of being served at the same time. While one case is
waiting to go to trial or to have papers typed, the lawyer can work on
another case. With enough clients, a lawyer never need be idle.
(Idle lawyers tend to become politicians, so there is a certain social
value in keeping lawyers busy.)"
english.836dejanr,
Did you hear that JC Penneys is having a Pee Wee Herman sale?
All men's pants half off.
english.837dejanr,
Here are more snippets from the one liner file. While preparing RHF,
I collect short jokes that aren't quite worthy of an individual posting
in the one liner file. Every so often I put digests of these out to
the group. (Beware that some readers, such as NN, will mistakenly
present all these items in the digest as individual articles.
Undigestification is a stupid kludge, but you have to live with it.)
These short items may contain swearing, mature themes and stereotypes.
= = = = = = =
Organization: University of Maryland at College Park
From: dm@wam.umd.edu (Patrick R. Gold)
Subject: Ohio State Park
Heard on the CB while driving entering Ohio on Memorial Day:
"Welcome to Ohio State Park. Don't stop to feed the bears. If they get
hungry they will stop you."
= = = = = = =
From: RAVI@servax.bitnet (RAVI=SINGH)
Subject: Notices
This is probably old but here it goes.
N O T I C E
If you notice this notice, you will notice after
noticing this notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
= = = = = = =
From: bible@iastate.edu (tony bible)
Subject: Jesus, Joseph and Mary
Garrison Keillor told this on A Prairie Home Companion this past
weekend.
Jesus, Joseph and Mary were doing chores around their home in
Nazareth when suddenly Jesus ran outside to Joseph, and asked, "Did you call
me?" "No," Joseph replied, "I just hit my thumb with the hammer."
= = = = = = =
From: DDS4193@ceres.tamu.edu (Daryl D. Spillmann)
Subject: Golf expletives
This was told to me by my friend, Donn Vangsnes...
Q. What are three words frequently heard on a golf course, but never in a
whorehouse?
A. Bite, you cocksucker!
= = = = = = =
Organization: Reuter:file Ltd.
From: loc@yrloc.ipsa.reuter.com (Leigh Clayton)
Subject: Job Classes
Passed on from Peter Henderson, currently living in Germany.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a revision of a joke I originally heard on National Lampoon's album
"Radio Dinner", which was released in 1971 or 1972..
Because of the current epidemic, the Peruvian government has had to
re-classify its labour force as "white cholera" and "blue cholera".
/Peter
= = = = = = =
From: dve@zooid.UUCP (David Mason)
I just thought of this so it should be original.
Find the largest box you can mail, and mark on the outside
"EXTREMELY FRAGILE - MAY DISSOLVE IF SHAKEN." Then, mail the box
off, empty of course, to anyone you dislike.
= = = = = = =
Organization: Shared Systems Division, Motorola Canada Ltd., Toronto
From: murray@motto.UUCP (Murray S. Kucherawy)
Subject: Description of Apartheid
[Heard this from a friend.]
Apartheid: One man, one vote. Once.
- murray@motto.UUCP
= = = = = = =
From: erik@gogoman.sf.ca.us (Erik Fortune)
Subject: Father Knows Best
"When you're young, you ask your father all kinds of questions because
you think he has some special kind of Dad knowledge. Later you realize
that all he really knows is how to have sex with your mother."
-- Comedian Jake Johansen
= = = = = = =
From: bradley@cs.utexas.edu (Bradley L. Richards)
Subject: Earmuffs?
>From my girlfriend; I think she saw it on a European news group.
Q: Why do women have legs?
A: To keep your ears warm.
= = = = = = =
From: gnat@kauri.vuw.ac.nz (Nathan Torkington)
Subject: Penile Promises
[original]
"Promises are like penises: they are quick to come, hell to clean up after,
painful if broken, and they leave a bitter taste if swallowed."
= = = = = = =
Subject: so long and thanks for no state budget.
From: ST6267%SIUCVMB.CDALE.SIU.EDU@siucvmb.siu.edu (Jerome Grimmer)
Boy, the legislators in the US, esp. in Illinois. They are the only ones for
which the following can be said about them:
1. When a deadline is not met, they get overtime instead of canned.
2. They are only up for review every two years, or sometimes less often than
that, unless they really screw up, in which case #3 applies.
3. Except for the times they are up for review/re-election in #2 above, they
are really hard to get out of office, and sometimes even harder to find.
= = = = = = =
From: bentonh@tekig1.pen.tek.com (Benton Holzwarth)
Subject: Re: Ode to a Mammogram
In reading the Ode to a Mammogram, I remembered the
thought I had when I saw one of the machines in action:
Slam-Bam-Thank-You-Mammogram.
Benton Holzwarth
= = = = = = =
From: pec@newt.phys.unsw.oz.au (Peter (doesn't know much) Chun)
Subject: Avargadro
Avargadro's wife was a mole!!!!
(if you don't understand ask a chemist!)
= = = = = = =
From: monet01%umcvmb.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca (Gerry Howser)
Subject: Chicken coups
Heard on the local radio KJMO "Joke of the Day" 6/11/91:
Q: Why can you only have two doors on a chicken coup?
A: If it had four it would be a chicken sedan.
= = = = = = =
From: john@crcaus.UUCP (John R. Miller)
Subject: The Wright Stuff
Hard to believe the Iraq jokes haven't died down. But since they haven't,
here's one I believe to be original,smirk:
Is it true Iraqi tanks all have North Carolina license plates?
= = = = = = =
From: pjl2@cunixb.cc.columbia.edu (Paul J Landsberg)
Subject: Bad dream
Man on psychiatrist couch:
Last night I dreamt I had a harem....................all they wanted to
talk about was the relationship.
Source: Utne Reader cartoon.
= = = = = = =
From: db3q+@andrew.cmu.edu (Djamal Bouzida)
Subject: Simulation/Masturbation
Heard from a friend at lunchtime today:
"Simulation is like masturbation. The more you do it, the more you
think it's real."
= = = = = = =
From: hui@yrloc.ipsa.reuter.com (Roger Hui)
Subject: Here and There
Told to me by W.F. Appleyard many years ago.
Psychiatrist to therapy group:
Do we know why we are all here?
Eccentric genius:
Because we are not all there.
= = = = = = =
Subject: an oxymoron
From: acker@cs.utexas.edu (Liane Acker)
Hear a new oxymoron the other day:
Reagan memoirs
= = = = = = =
From: lupin@bogart.UUCP (Edward Lupin)
Subject: Bush jogging again
Heard on Paul Harvey News on 6/20/91:
George Bush is jogging again. He has to. Sununu has the car.
= = = = = = =
From: DEGROFF@intellicorp.com (Leslie DeGroff)
Subject: current, IBM and Apple
What do you get when you merge IBM and Apple
Blueberry Macs
I been moved to the orchard
370 Desktop release 7.0
mass market mainframes for the rest of us
= = = = = = =
From: tyg@caen.engin.umich.edu (Thomas Young Galloway)
Subject: Biblical computing
It's a well known fact that computing devices such as the abacus were invented
thousands of years ago. But it's not well known that the first use of a
common computer protocol occured in the Old Testament.
This, of course, was when Moses aborted the Egyptians' process with a
control-sea...
= = = = = = =
From: kann@uhura.cc.rochester.edu (Kirk M. Anne)
Subject: Another "I've ..." joke
I have truncated and I can't round up!
(My own, I think.)
= = = = = = =
From: Guy_Saffold@mindlink.bc.ca (Guy Saffold)
Subject: Life in Cuba
>From a local newspaper story:
A riddle making the rounds in Cuba:
"What is a sardine?"
Answer: "A whale after thirty years of revolution."
= = = = = = =
From: sauder@aplcen.apl.jhu.edu (EY Sauder clyde jeffr)
Subject: recursive humor
Thought for the day:
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
Jeff Sauder Johns Hopkins Universiy
= = = = = = =
From: CLBLACK@freh-01ms.adpc.purdue.edu (Chris Black)
Do you know what you call a beat-up Ragedy Andy doll lying face down
in a pile of rocks?
A Dirty Cotton Rock Sucker.
= = = = = = =
From: jv10+@andrew.cmu.edu (Jonathan Vaughan)
Subject: UMPIRE masculine deodorant spray
My mother-in-law reports seeing a new product, UMPIRE, in the masculine
hygiene deodorant spray section of the local mart. It promises to
prevent foul balls.
= = = = = = =
From: randy@ai.mit.edu (Randall Smith)
Subject: Politically correct label for men (slightly sexist, slightly lewd)
Came up with by a group of friends at dinner recently:
What is a politically correct term for men?
Vaginally disabled.
english.838dejanr,
Seen in "The Fusco Brothers," a wierd comic strip in the San Francisco
Chronicle (at least), Nov. 11, 1991:
Two people are in a car. They're lost, and the passenger is
looking at a map.
Passenger: "There's something on the right; it's narrow and it'll
take us back to where we were."
Driver: "Sounds to me like the Supreme Court."
english.839dejanr,
After the recent massive failure in New England, their fourth
since January 1990, ATT annouced a new customer service number
for affected customers to call in case of future problems:
1-900-Call-ATT
english.840dejanr,
The current issue of Prevention has as its cover story
How to Lose Weight Like "Magic"
english.841dejanr,
Bo knows Magic Johnson.
And he's worried.
english.842dejanr,
Heard on Q-99 FM in Roanoke, Virginia the day after the premier of
Michael Jackson's new music video,
"Didn't Pee Wee Herman get arrested for doing that same thing?"
english.843dejanr,
Here are more snippets from the one liner file. While preparing RHF,
I collect short jokes that aren't quite worthy of an individual posting
in the one liner file. Every so often I put digests of these out to
the group. (Beware that some readers, such as NN, will mistakenly
present all these items in the digest as individual articles.
Undigestification is a stupid kludge, but you have to live with it.)
These short items may contain swearing, mature themes and stereotypes.
= = = = = = =
Subject: How's That Again?
From: daugher@cs.tamu.edu (Walter C. Daugherity)
Cognitive dissonance: A "Save the Rainforests" bumper sticker on a
Mitsubishi.
= = = = = = =
From: rune.johansen@forskning.teledir.no (Rune Henning Johansen)
Subject: Mating.
From "Genetic Algorithms" by David E. Goldberg:
... people do not attempt to mate with cats, and frogs do not
attempt to mate with scientist (although the latter possibility
might result in a researcher who jumps to conclusions).
= = = = = = =
From: SCOTH%WMVM1.bitnet@vm.tcs.tulane.edu (Scott Hammer)
Subject: National Hot Dog Month
I though of this as I was listening to NPR this morning:
Apparently, July is National Hot Dog Month. If this is true, I imagine
there must also be National Hot Dog Awards. I can just imagine this.
Someone opens an envelope, looks at the contents and says: "And the
Wiener is . . . Oscar Mayer!"
-Scott Hammer
College of William and Mary
= = = = = = =
Organization: Spam Detection & Removal Squad, Austin, TX
From: bryan@cs.utexas.edu (Bryan Bayerdorffer @ Wit's End)
Subject: Devilish one-liner
If Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee.
= = = = = = =
From: SHEERAN@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu
Subject: volkswagon, rabbit, original
Anyone who has ever raised rabbits will appreciate the humor/dilemma implied:
Q. how many rabbits does it take to fill a Volkswagon?
A. two.
= = = = = = =
Organization: Megatek Corporation, San Diego, California
From: barto@megatek.UUCP (David Barto)
Subject: Marketing Hope
From a Marketing type:
Don't give me any technical reason why something can't be done.
If you really believed in the product you'd make it work.
= = = = = = =
From: hoosiers@u.washington.edu (Mary Loveless)
Subject: My mother's favorite recipe
Any others to add to this one?
Honeymoon salad: lettuce alone, with no dressing
= = = = = = =
From: libros@maxwell.physics.purdue.edu (Library Staff)
Subject: Pampers and Window Washing Fluid
Have you ever noticed that diapers can soak up a gallon of blue window
washing liquid but can't absorb one leak by a 6 month old girl? And
besides, how many times does a baby get wiper fluid down its pants?
--Ixabibble
= = = = = = =
Organization: Phillip's Philosophy Shop, Nashville TN
From: sophist@brainiac.raidernet.com (Phillip McReynolds)
Subject: Curses! Broiled again!
A source is a source, of course of course,
Unless, of course, the source is a curse;
And if, of course, the source is a curse,
Then a termcap entry's required.
= = = = = = =
From: sauder@aplcen.apl.jhu.edu (EY Sauder clyde jeffr)
Subject: motorcycle one-liner
Did you hear they've created a new cereal for Harley Davidson owners?
It's called Nut & Bitch.
Jeff Sauder sauder@aplcen.apl.jhu.edu
= = = = = = =
From: poole@emx.utexas.edu (Steve Poole)
Subject: Imagine that
Rita Rudner says she wasn't popular as a child. She only had
two friends.
They were both imaginary.
They played with each other.
= = = = = = =
From: EIVERSO@cms.cc.wayne.edu (Eric Iverson)
Subject: By and large
By and large, I'm glad I'm not bi and large!
--Eric
= = = = = = =
From: creiman@ncsa.uiuc.edu (Charlie Reiman)
Subject: Japanese Humor
I read this in the Chicago Tribune in an article about American-Japanese
relations. They reported that this joke is floating around Japan:
"America: A nice place to own, but I wouldn't want to live there."
= = = = = = =
From: deej@cadence.com (Jim Howard)
Subject: Pit bull joke
Source: "Kayla's mom".
Q: What has four legs an an arm?
A: A VERY happy pit bull!
= = = = = = =
From: john@iastate.edu
Subject: Sniglet
Original (as far as I know).
Evangelonging (e'van ja long ing),
The practice of (tel-)evangelists to emphasize a word by
stretching out the middle. (i.e., Ga-aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh-d)
= = = = = = =
From: eliot@dg-rtp.dg.com (Topher Eliot)
Subject: searching for a husband
I got this from an article in my local paper on the shortage of eligible males.
The quoted someone in Alaska as saying that up there, for a woman who wants
to get married "the odds are good, but the goods are odd".
= = = = = = =
Organization: 3M Health Information Systems, Wallingford, CT
From: palmer@hsi86.hsi.com (Mike Palmer)
Subject: Michael Landon
Just heard on the radio:
Michael Landon has just signed to do a new show for CBS.
"Little Box on the Prairie"
= = = = = = =
From: elrod@ocf.berkeley.edu (Edward L. Rodriguez)
Subject: Harvard men
The following was a favorite saying of a former boss, who went to Harvard
for graduate school:
"You can always tell a Harvard Man...but you can't tell him much."
= = = = = = =
From: warwick@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: Scanner For Sale
For Sale:
Hand scanner - only used twice.
(original)
= = = = = = =
From: andersj@jacobs.cs.orst.edu (Jim Anderson)
Subject: politically correct recycling (original)
From a corporate memo in the not too distant future...
All recycling bins designated for Colored Paper will be plainly
labelled for "Paper of Color"
= = = = = = =
From: miller@sctc.com (Steven M. Miller)
Subject: 3 dead chickens?
What do you call 3 dead chickens and a tractor that won't start?
The South Dakota state fair.
= = = = = = =
From: merlyn@iwarp.intel.com (Randal L. Schwartz)
Subject: something goofy
Line dropped from an early script of a popular Disney flick:
"Didn't there used to be more than eight of us, Hungry?"
= = = = = = =
From: ericco@ssl.berkeley.edu (Eric C. Olson)
Subject: french trains
From a friend quoting a french language book:
"French trains are possibly the finest in the world.
But they are not prefect -- we must share them with
the French."
= = = = = = =
From: mikej@vangogh.isc.shearson.com (Mike Johnston - (212)528-6023)
Subject: Computer toolkit
My personal computer "toolkit" consists of 1 hammer and 1 rubber. My motto,
"If you can't fix it, fuck it!"
MJ
= = = = = = =
Organization: Sun Microsystems
From: larry@skookum.canada.sun.com (Larry Phillips [Sun Vancouver FSE])
Subject: Rap songs
"Every time you hear a half decent rap song, some black guy starts talking over
-larry
"MsDos is to computing as Etch-A-Sketch is to art."
= = = = = = =
From: jwest@bbn.com (Jayne West)
Subject: One Liner: Dyslexic Rabbi
Q: What do you do for a choking dyslexic rabbi?
A: You perform the L'chaim Maneuver.
Original; I wrote it myself on 8/2/91 at approximately 10:30 PM in
Cambridge.
= = = = = = =
From: Kanef@charon.arc.nasa.gov (Bob Kanefsky)
Subject: riddled with bugs
[I think this is original, unless someone else has already thought of
it. By the way, my other submission (of 8/1/91) is original; I didn't
realize I was supposed to mark it as such until I got the auto reply,
since I don't subscribe. --Kanef]
Q: What's the main difference between what biologists call a "bug"
and what computer programmers call a "bug"?
A: Biological bugs reproduce very easily.
= = = = = = =
From: coar@nephi.enet.dec.com (Plenty mushrooms around here.. 06-Aug-1991
0831)
Subject: It's not that `it's a small world' that's the problem..
Windows are all the rage these days. It's just as I've always claimed:
the world just keeps getting more and more X-centric.
= = = = = = =
Organization: University of Southern California, Los Angeles, CA
From: ajayshah@alhena.usc.edu (Ajay Shah)
Subject: Topical joke, from Dave Letterman's show
q: What was John Sununu's least offensive ethics violation?
a: He used to make Dan Quayle wash his car.
= = = = = = =
From: markman@aristotle.ils.nwu.edu (Art Markman)
Subject: Greeting Card I'd like to see.
For someone turning 50:
They say that if something bothers you, you should think of it in
a new way.
So don't think of it as 50 years...
Think of it as 5/7 of the normal human lifespan.
english.844dejanr,
(Excerpts quoted from Sept 1991 issue of MacUser)
Q: ... Periodically the screen shakes. Can this harm the hardware? ...
Andy: ... And don't forget that, according to Apple's standard warranty card,
if technicians tell you, "Oh, they all do that," you're allowed to poke them
right in the eye. ...
Bob: Excellent advice. I disagree only on one point: I don't recommend going
around poking technicians in the eye. A better technique is to loudly proclaim,
"To h*** with this! I can buy an IBM clone and Windows 3 for one-tenth the cost
of a similarly equipped Mac!" I guarantee your Mac will be fixed on the spot.
Q: ... I get a message saying, "The Application has unexpectly quit (1)." ...
Bob: ... Of course, with Systems 6.0.7 and 7, Apple has replaced the
meaningless error-ID numbers (1, 2, 12, 25, and so on) with meaningless phrases
such as "Co-processor not installed," "Bus error," and the ever-popular
"Address error." Not only are these phrases meaningful only to people who
understand the internal architecture ... but they also often have nothing to do
with the cause of the problem.
english.845dejanr,
This really happened:
I was calling funeral homes getting information about making "pre-need"
funeral arrangements for an elderly relative. The woman I talked with
at [name deleted] funeral home, just across the street from St.
[mother of God's name deleted]'s Catholic Church told me, "...and that
cemetary requires a burial vault. Most of the cemetaries around here
now require a vault. The lowest price vault we have is $552. The most
popular one is $772 and it comes with a lifetime guarantee."
english.846dejanr,
I Made this up after we hired a programmer from Hewlett-Packard.
A programmer for Hewlett-Packard went to the doctor complaining
about pain in her wrists. The doctor poked and prodded her (with
cold instruments) for a while and issued of a prognosis.
"You have carpal tunnel syndrome, but its in its early stages.
You should be able to continue work, but you should give up
half of your programming."
"Which half? Writing memos about it or attending meetings about it?"
english.847dejanr,
This was circulated in and augmented by an MOIS class a few years
back.
Disclaimer to be used when purchasing software:
AGREEMENT AND LIMITED WARRANTY
This check is fully warranted against physical defects and poor
workmanship in its stationery. If the check is physically damaged,
return it to me and I will replace or repair it at my discretion.
No other warranty of any kind is made, neither express nor implied
including, but not limited to, the implied warranties of
Merchantability, Suitability for Purpose, and Validity of Currency.
Any and all risk concerning the actual value of this check is
assumed by you, the recipient. Even though I or my agents may have
assured you of its worth, either verbally or in written
communication, we may have had our fingers crossed, so don't come
whimpering back to me if it bounces.
The money, if any, represented by this instrument remains my
property. You are licensed to use it, however you are not allowed
to copy the original check except for your personal records, nor
are you permitted to give the money itself to anyone else. Neither
may you allow any other person to use the money. Remember, you may
have it in your possession, but it still belongs to me, and I'm
going to call on you from time to time just to keep tabs on it.
This agreement supersedes all others between us, including the
equally ridiculous one you have undoubtedly pasted on the back of
your packaging, or concealed somewhere in the middle of it. The
location of your version of this or any other covenant between us
is irrelevant to its inapplicability here. Only this one pertains,
and I really mean it. In fact, this one supersedes yours even
though yours may say that it supersedes mine. Why, even if yours
said it would supersede mine even if mine said it would supersede
yours even if yours said... Oh well. You get the idea.
You may decline this agreement by returning the uncashed check to
me within twenty-four hours. If you attempt to cash it, however,
you have implicitly accepted these terms. You may also implicitly
accept these terms by:
1) Calling my bank to inquire about the status of my account;
2) Thanking me at the conclusion of our business transaction;
3) Going to bed at the end of this or any other day; or
4) Using any toilet or rest room.
Please be advised that I have adopted a strict rubber-glue policy.
Any nasty thing that your lawyers say bounces off of me and sticks
back to you. Be further advised that you agree to pay my legal
expenses if I decide to sue you for violating this agreement or for
any other reason that might strike my fancy. Violations will be
punishable by fine, imprisonment, death, any two of the above, or
all three.
Thank you and have a nice day!
english.848dejanr,
John was driving his pickup down a country lane, when suddenly
a chicken darts out into the road in front of him. He's just about to
slam on his brakes to avoid the chicken when he realizes that the chicken
has sped on ahead doing about 30 miles per hour.
Amazed, he sped up to follow, but the chicken takes off faster
and faster. Finally the chicken screeches into a turn and goes into a
small farm. As he turns to follow, John notices that the chicken has THREE
legs.
He pulls to a stop in front of the farm house, and looking around,
notices that ALL the chickens have 3 legs.
He says to the farmer "THREE-legged chickens? Thats astounding!"
The Farmer replies "Yep, I bred 'em that way - I love drumsticks."
John: "Well, tell me, how does a 3 legged chicken taste?"
Farmer: "Dunno, haven't been able to catch one yet".
english.849dejanr,
I was asking my friend a serious question - I should have thought
a bit more before I asked.
>Neil, Do you know what happens to pids when they get too big.
>I know Process ids always get bigger, but what happens when
>they get bigger than 31 bits? Do they roll over? Do you know?
>Thanks, Eric.
The world stops and everyone dies. 2^31 is 2 billion (give or take a
few). At the rate of one new process per second, 60 per minute, 3600
per hour, 86400 per day, 31536000 per year, 315360000 per decade, it
will take 6.8 decades to reach 2^31. Let me know if you run into a
problem with this, I'll file a bug report. Neil
PS: Oh, you have to include a reproducible program for the bug report,
I guess that makes it tougher :-)
english.850dejanr,
In view of recent admonitions against jokes maligning any
class of people, I thought I'd put together some examples
of humor that are approved within the Tandem Values. Note
how these jokes arise from existing ones that are not
permitted, showing that humor can be found anywhere.
WRONG: Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
This joke is offensive to two classes of people, blondes and
coffee drinkers. It might also offend people who do not drink
coffee for religious reasons.
RIGHT: Why can't pigmentially-challenged individuals take a short
rest between job tasks?
Because the Mail Police are reading this joke.
WRONG: How do you kill a pink elephant?
This joke has many problems, as it is offensive to environmentalists,
vegetarians, and elephants of all colors. It also promotes racism
and classism among elephants, and, perhaps, among other species as
well. It should not be sent to the HUMOR sig for these reasons.
RIGHT: How do you address an elephant of any color whatsoever?
Ask the Mail Police for full instructions.
WRONG: How do you double the value of a Yugo?
This joke would not be allowed because it offends Yugoslavians,
other people affected by the strife in Eastern Europe, and goes
against the Communist belief system that material goods are
provided by the state for its populace and therefore should have
no monetary value whatsoever. Members of the bicycle-sig will
also feel uncomfortable because this joke encourgages automobile
use.
RIGHT: How do you improve a vehicle?
Confirm with the Mail Police that the vehicle is allowed
on Tandem Mail.
WRONG: An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a psychologist
are stuck in a burning building. Who gets out alive?
This message should not be sent because it encourgages classism,
elitism, and implies that those who study different disciplines
deserve to perish in a tragedy through no fault of their own.
Tandem Values require respect for all individuals in all jobs
they do.
RIGHT: Four Tandemites are stuck in a burning building. How do
you rescue all of them before it collapses?
First meet with the Mail Police to be sure no favoritism
is shown towards any group in whom is rescued initially.
WRONG: How do you make love to an <ethnic> woman?
There are so many reasons this joke is inappropriate for Tandem
mail that this memo cannot begin to catalog all of them. Hiding
behind the designator <ethnic> does not absolve the joke-sender
of sending abusive mail messages to protected groups, because it
is usually quite clear which group is being slandered. In any
event, the sobriquet <ethnic> implies that non-ethnics are in
some way superior, which goes against Tandem Values.
The joke also shows a lack of respect for women in two ways.
First, it implies that the teller and listener of the joke are
both male. No joke of that sort should be sent, because this
precludes women from feeling fully accepted at Tandem. Second,
it implies that the woman can only be satisfied one particular
way, and that this rests outside of her, i.e. she needs a man to
be complete. Finally, this joke excludes gays and lesbians since
it has a heterosexualist bias.
RIGHT: How does a Tandemite get satisfaction?
Have the Mail Police ensure no one is offending anyone else.
WRONG: What happens when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with
a dyslexic agnostic?
Jokes that demean religious groups are unacceptable. This includes
people who choose not to practice religion. Dyslexics are an
example of a handicapped class and should not be insulted.
This joke is offensive to creationists because it implies that
evolution proceeds due to inter-species mating habits. Members
of certain religious groups may also find these random matings
offensive to their belief systems.
RIGHT: Tell me the best way all religious groups can feel
comfortable working together at Tandem.
I'll have the Mail Police explain that to you right away.
WRONG: A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini.
Since a number of Tandem employees are uncomfortable with
the problems of alcohol, jokes should not be set in bars
or at social gatherings noted for alcohol usage.
RIGHT: A gorilla walks into a hardware store and orders a martini.
WRONG: An IBM salesman is stuck on a desert island.
Desert islands make reference to the recent Gulf War, and should
be avoided. It is also against Tandem values to make jokes about
the competition. Simply describing their products is all the
humor that's necessary.
RIGHT: An IBM AS/400 is set up in a room at 105 degrees
Fahrenheit (40 C). The Mail Police are called to
see if it crashes, which it probably will.
WRONG: Which doesn't belong, meat, wife, or blowjob?
Haven't you learned anything yet? This joke is sexist and
offensive to women and vegetarians.
RIGHT: Which doesn't belong, ethics, values, or Mail Police?
WRONG: A man's penis size doesn't matter, unless you're having
sex with him.
That doesn't mean you can make fun of men, just because they're
the dominant class. Besides, these jokes usually trigger a barrage
of anti-female ones, and then we're back to Lawsuit City.
RIGHT: A Tandemite's paycheck size doesn't matter, unless they're
arguing with the Mail Police.
WRONG: How many CNN reporters does it take to change a light bulb?
Tandem Values preclude mention of corporate entities, such as CNN
in this example. The whole category of light bulb jokes is also
contraindicated, as General Electric may choose to sue over
improper use of their product.
RIGHT: How many TTN reporters does it take to produce "First Friday?"
Wait a minute, the Mail Police want to be sure this isn't a
violation of something.
WRONG: What did Pee-Wee Herman say to Jeffrey Dahmer?
Can't you do anything right? It's "What did Jeffrey Dahmer
say to Pee-Wee Herman?" and the answer is "Stop playing with
my food."
english.851dejanr,
Forgive me if this is outside the submission criteria, but I can't seem to find
any.
Imagine for a moment if the computer revolution had occoured a decade or
so sooner. With all the power and chaos of the 60's, it's not to hard to
go further and pretend that
Computer Nerds Could Have Controlled Network Programming.
by Robert S. Coats
Gilligan's Island:
The Professor finds some rare binary coconuts that can be used to upgrade
the ROM in his bamboo clone modem to support X.25. After hours of effort,
he manages to establish a connection via his papaya-based VT 100 terminal
and satellite uplink with Telenet, but falls asleep from exhaustion.
Gilligan walks up and types "+++" then "ATH" and drops the line. The
Skipper beans him with a rock and finally loses it, his seafaring years
catch up with him and he starts making lewd remarks to Mary Ann about
playing Leisure Suit Larry IV together. Meanwhile, Mr. Howell finally
figures out how to work the ISDN set that was accidently dropped by a
passing JAL jet and has a heart attack when he hears via Dow Jones News
Retrieval that the stock market has soared above 3000 points. Ginger calls
CompuServe and E-mails some software developers in an effort to convince
them that she should would be a good model for MacStripPoker 2.0.
Eventually, all connectivity on the island is lost, when Gilligan
discovers an actor in a bad gorilla costume has shorted pins 2&3 on the
serial cable, and everybody on the island has just been echoing characters
to each other.
Beverly Hillbillies
Miss Jane tries to convince Mr. Drysdale to network all the PCs in the
bank, but, typically, he won't spend the money. Frustrated, Miss Jane
pleads with Jed Clampett to persuade Mr. Drysdale to "put in the LAN," but
Jed thinks she said "put in the ham." Jed then gets Granny to cook up a
dozen hams and has Jethro and Ellie Mae bring them to the bank. When they
arrive, everybody is out to lunch, so Jethro begins to distribute the
hams, but is frustrated when he can't get the coaxial cable to stay
attached to the ham bone. To further complicate matters, Ellie May has
brought along her pet goats, which begin to eat the ham and cable, causing
the the VAX to short out and force an emergency electronic fund transfer
of the Clampett millions to a competitive bank. As Mr. Drysdale is seen
chasing Miss Jane down the hall with a crazed look in his eye, swinging a
ham at her, Jed is heard to remark, "Weee-doggie! Why look at that Granny.
Mr. Drysdale is so happy about whut we done, he's gonna give Miss Jane her
own ham!"
The Brady Bunch
Peter uses Crosstalk Mk.4 to dial into the high school computer and,
through hacking tricks picked up from a local "adults only" BBS, is able
to access individual student's "permanent records." He scans through the
listings, then, using a clever keyboard macro, alters his completed
courses such that he won't be required to take English Lit again. However,
Jan is working in the school office at the time and is alerted to the
invasion by a diligent anti-virual TSR. She is then tormented with having
to decide to do the "right thing" or be loyal to her brother. Jan goes
home and talks to Alice, who says she should analyze all the factors and
then decide after using the new artificial intelligence software Mr. Brady
has recently installed on his '386 laptop. Jan tries to use the program,
but instead accidently deletes all the files in the Harvard Graphics
directory, leaving Mr. Brady to blow a presentation the next day. Mrs.
Brady finds out via Jan what happened, and forces Peter to write "I will
not hack into the school computer" 5000 times with EDLIN while the rest of
the family eats angle food cake on the patio.
The Mary Tyler Moore Show
Mr. Grant tells Mary to come up with some hard facts about all the
activity out in Silicon Valley. Mary grabs her Mac portable and jumps on a
plane west. Unfortunately, she leaves the Mac switched on and, due to an
undiscovered bug in the latest release of System and Finder, the hard disk
continually optimizes itself when no keyboard input is recorded for more
than five minutes. Needless to say, she has a dead Mac when arriving and
spends the next few hours trying to find a replacement. Meanwhile, Ted
begins his broadcast and notes that "We expected to have some good
information about Silicon Valley for this broadcast, but somebody had to
take a Mac and not a reliable laptop PC!" Frantic, Mary calls long
distance over crystalline fiber optic lines to get help from Rhoda, who
doesn't answer the phone because she is playing Bomber and has the
headphones on. However, Phyllis's snotty daughter is around and answers.
She listens to Mary whine, then hangs up the phone. Mary is last seen
violently flinging the Mac out a speeding taxi window while crossing the
Bay Bridge.
english.852dejanr,
I found this lurking in the examples/ directory of the Verdix Ada compiler.
-- UNIT: procedure HELLO
-- FILES: hello.a
-- COMPILE: ada hello.a
-- LINK: a.ld hello -o hello
-- PURPOSE: typical first program; use of TEXT_IO package in STANDARD library.
-- DESCRIPTION: prints "Hello, world." message.
-- Usage: hello
-- ..........................................................................
--
with TEXT_IO; use TEXT_IO;
procedure hello is
begin
put ("Hello, world.");
new_line;
end hello;
-- ..........................................................................
--
--
-- DISTRIBUTION AND COPYRIGHT:
--
-- This software is released to the Public Domain (note:
-- software released to the Public Domain is not subject
-- to copyright protection).
-- Restrictions on use or distribution: NONE
--
-- DISCLAIMER:
--
-- This software and its documentation are provided "AS IS" and
-- without any expressed or implied warranties whatsoever.
-- No warranties as to performance, merchantability, or fitness
-- for a particular purpose exist.
--
-- Because of the diversity of conditions and hardware under
-- which this software may be used, no warranty of fitness for
-- a particular purpose is offered. The user is advised to
-- test the software thoroughly before relying on it. The user
-- must assume the entire risk and liability of using this
-- software.
--
-- In no event shall any person or organization of people be
-- held responsible for any direct, indirect, consequential
-- or inconsequential damages or lost profits.
english.853dejanr,
A metaphor is like a simile.
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.
The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging
plant.
At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if
you eat less than you can.
The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.
Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how
it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.
I bought a portable cable tv.
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.
I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.
A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they
found was a pile of dust.
english.854dejanr,
Anonymously copied from the October issue of a popular magazine....
When her five-year-old daughter began asking questions about
the facts of life, the mother carefully explained how babies were made.
For several days, the child went over this fascinating new material
with her mother. "So the sperm from Daddy fertilizes the ovum from
Mommy and the baby is carried in Mommy's tummy."
"That's right, honey" her mother said.
"But how does the sperm get there?" she asked. "Does Mommy
swallow it?"
"if Mommy wants a new cocktail dress, she does," came the reply.
- Submitted by a shy comedien -
- CE -
english.855dejanr,
(This song is to be sung to the tune of "You've Lost That Loving
Feeling" by the Righteous Brothers. The words are original.)
You never pay me off any more when I pass your bills,
You know that for a price I would be your shill.
I'm trying harder to show it, lobbies,
But lobbies, believe me, I know it,
I need that lobby money
Oh, that lobby money
Give me that lobby money
Or I'm gone, gone, gone,
Dough-ough-ough
Lobby money, I get down on my knees for you.
If you would only pay me, like I want you to.
Please give me money for the next election day;
Don't, don't, don't let me slip away.
(two voices echoing, like Righteous Brothers)
Lobbies, (lobbies), lobbies, (lobbies), I beg you please,
(ple-e-ease), I need more dough, (I need more dough), So give me more
cash, (give me more cash).
Bring back my lobby money
Oh, my lobby money
Give me some lobby money
Or I'm gone, gone, gone
Dough-ough-ough
--Scott Cromar SUPPORT CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM
"Are you sure there are no hidden cameras up there?"
--Arizona Rep. Don Kinney, while stuffing $55,000 into a gym bag
"We all have our prices."
--Arizona State Sen. Carolyn Walker. Her price was $25,880.
english.856dejanr,
This really happened last week according to various net.sources.
Last week's anti-Bush protest in Portland, Oregon got violent.
As the police beat and arrested the protesters, people
yelled:
"Bad cop! No donut!"
english.857dejanr,
Received from a friend in Israel.
As seen on the local science net.
"Practice safe government -- use a kingdom."
Yehuda
english.858dejanr,
Jay Leno on Tonight's show,
"Russia, today is just the way the US was in the 50's.
They drive big cars, wear funny suits, watch black and white
TV's and they're afraid of communism."
"Ladies and gentleman, Lexus, the luxury car of the future, yeah,
yeah..., it was recalled because the cruise control wouldn't
disengage and the brake lights wouldn't turn off. Hey, who says
the Americans can't make cars as good as the Japanese, eh "?
english.859dejanr,
A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to
her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic
fart.
Trying to save face, she says to the waiter, "Sir! Please stop that
immediately."
"Certainly, madame," replies the waiter with a bow. "Which way was it headed?"
english.860dejanr,
Excerpt from "The Sunday Press", Dublin, 25-Aug-1991"
Apropos recent events, in case you're wondering what will become
of all the unemployed KGB men in the event of a change of regime in
the USSR, I was talking to a German friend recently and asked him
what had become of all the former Stasi secret policement of East
Germany.
"Oh they're all taxi drivers now", he said, "it was the obvious
solution".
"Why is that?", I asked.
"Simple", he said, "you just give them your name -- and they know
where you live."
english.861dejanr,
Found in _Maps of the Mind_, by Charles Hampden-Turner:
A man was hitchhiking across the country just prior to a
presidential election and had hit upon a technique for getting
free drinks in bars by guessing which candidate was less popular
and then loudly badmouthing them. He went into a bar in Colorado
and yelled, "Carter is a horse's ass!" To his surprise, he was
promptly thrown outside into the dirt. He picked himself up and
went into another bar, shouting, "Reagan is a horse's ass!" Seconds
later, he was eating dust again.
Seeing a cowboy nearby, he called out, "Hey, fella! If this ain't
Carter country and it ain't Reagan country, whose country is it?"
The cowboy replied, "Son, this is *horse* country!"
english.862gkod,
-> #861, dejanr
DEJANE DOSTA TIH GLUPIH VICEVA.
JA INACE SNIMAM NA HD PA MI TREBA MESTA ZA NESTO PAMETNO.
HVALA UNAPRED
GKOD
english.863dejanr,
-> #862, gkod>> DEJANE DOSTA TIH GLUPIH VICEVA.
Uradi CONF JOIN VICEVI i onda CONF RESIGN ENGLISH. I više ih
nećeš videti. A oni koje ti vicevi zanimaju će ih i dalje
čitati. Ukratko, svima lepo!
english.864gww.,
Ovde sam prvi put 'poginuo' a to je na samom početku i to u prvoj datoteci.
čelim vam ugodno veče ....
> (__)
> (oo) U
> /-------Đ/ /---V
> / đ đđ * đ--đ .
> * đđ----đđ
> žž žž
>
> Cow at 1 meter. Cow at 100 meters. Cow at 10,000 meters
>
cows.arjenglish.865gkod,
-> #863, dejanr>>Uradi CONF JOIN VICEVI i onda CONF RESIGN ENGLISH. I vise ih
neces videti. A oni koje ti vicevi zanimaju ce ih i dalje
citati. Ukratko, svima lepo<<!
Hvala da mi nisi rekao nebi znao.
gkod
english.866bandit,
-> #865, gkod>>>> Uradi CONF JOIN VICEVI i onda CONF RESIGN ENGLISH. I vise ih
>> neces videti. A oni koje ti vicevi zanimaju ce ih i dalje
>> citati. Ukratko, svima lepo<<!
Ali ce se na tvoju veliku zalost English vicevi pojaviti u nekoj
drugoj temi (npr. mih!)
Johnny
english.867squsovac,
Od koga je medžik džonson dobio AIDS?
Od Davida Coperfilda! He is doing a magic!
english.868cacxa,
MAD'S GUIDE TO COMPUTER LANGUAGE :
----------------------------------
BIT:
A word used to describe computers, as in "Our son's computer cost quite a bit."
BOOT:
What your friends give you becaose you spend too much time bragging about your
computer skills.
CHIPS:
The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave
their keyboards for meals.
CURSOR:
What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform,
as in "You $#$%&@& computer!!!"
DISK:
What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven
hours at a clip.
ERROR:
What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just
look".
EXPANSION UNIT:
The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all
its peripherals.
FLOPPY:
The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and
a steady diet of junk food. (->see 'Chips')
HARDWARE:
Tools, such as lawnmovers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a
finger on since getting your computer.
MENU:
What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor
to eat in a restaurant.
PROGRAMS:
Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your
computer up to it.
RAM:
What you do to the side of your computer when it's not working properly.
RETURN:
What lots of people do with their computers after only a week and a half.
TERMINAL:
A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot
computers.
That's all folks!
english.869ndragan,
-> #868, cacxa/ MAD'S GUIDE TO COMPUTER LANGUAGE :
nisam video nijedan nov MAD otkad sam kupio atari :) (kupio sam ih na istom
mestu istog sata :)
evo malo bon tona sa jedne CompuServe konferencije; ovo je samo rečnik, a
neke od ovih izraza smo već nalazili u deranovim vicevima sa biksne.
Acronyms
Many acronyms have also become standard -- mainly to save typing. Some of
the common ones are explained here. Any others you encounter, you'll have to
figure out for yourself, but once you've got the "trick" down, it's kind of
fun.
General CIS-wide acronyms:
BTW By the way
CIS Consumer Information Service (of CompuServe)
FWIW For what it's worth
IAC In any case (also IAE -- in any event)
IANAL I am not a lawyer
IMO In my opinion
IMHO In my honest/humble opinion (in the latter case a sure sign the
opinion
is not going to be humble at all)
IOW In other words
JIC Just in case
KOW Knock on wood
OIC Oh, I see!
OTOH On the other hand
PITA Pain in the "acronym"
POV Point of view
PPN Programmer project number, i.e., a CIS user's id#
RSN Real soon now (computer lingo for "don't hold your breath")
RTFM Read the f* manual (variously interpreted for public consumption as
read the fine manual, read the fabulous manual, you figure it out).
TIA Thanks in advance
TSR Terminate and stay resident program
WSYIWYG What you see is what you get
YA... Yet another .... (as in YAA -- yet another acronym)
Bue_ NDragan
english.870magician,
-> #869, ndragan=> OIC Oh, I see!
OIS !
=> RTFM Read the f* manual (variously interpreted for public
=> consumption as read the fine manual, read the fabulous manual
=> you figure it out).
Or,
RTFM Read the fuckin' manual ;)
MAG
english.871zkrstic,
-> #870, magician> => RTFM Read the f* manual (variously interpreted for
> public => consumption as read the fine manual, read the
> fabulous manual => you figure it out).
>
> Or,
> RTFM Read the fuckin' manual ;)
A mi mislili: Ili je "Read the funniest manual" ili "Read the finest manual"
Baš bejasmo u dilemi, čak i trilemi, zbog PPD, al' nam Vaša kratka nota
podari rešenje.
Srdačno zahvaljujemo.
english.872hercog,
Ovaj vic je poslala Sonja Prus :
The acoustics in this theatre are fantastic.
"Pardon"
english.873hercog,
Evo jos nekih viceva od Sonje Prus (sprus)
Banking:
Customer: And how do I stand for a $ 5,000 loan?
Bank manger: You do not - you grovel.
Belch (uzdriganje)
How dare you belch in front of my wife?
Why - was it her turn?
Cars:
I have got a two-tone car - black and rust.
Conversations:
My wife speaks through her nose.
Why?
She has worn her mouth out
That is a nice suit you are wearing - who went for the
fitting?
I did not come here to be insulted.
Why - where do you normally go?
Did he have a weakness for ladies?
No - a great strength.
Police:
Policeman:"Anything you say may be held against you"
Arrested writer: "Jane Asher"
english.874dejanr,
The headlines of the ``Gannett Suburban'' (Westchester, NY) Sunday edition:
``I'd rather die than withdraw,'' quoting Judge Clarence Thomas.
Wasn't it this kind of statement that got him in trouble to begin with?
english.875dejanr,
Some of the dregs and later comments on the Judge Clarence Thomas
affair in the USA.
= = = = = = =
Subject: what's this?
From: ronnie@cisco.com (Ronnie Kon)
Q: What is this: "Good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning,
good morning, nice tits, good morning, good morning"?
A: Clarence Thomas's first day at the Supreme Court.
= = = = = = =
Subject: Clarence Thomas
From: SYSMATT@ukcc.uky.edu (Matt Simpson)
Senator: Judge Thomas, could you please explain to us your opinion
on Roe vs. Wade.
Thomas: Senator, I haven't seen that one, but I loved Debbie does
Dallas.
= = = = = = =
Subject: Clarence Thomas, et.al.
From: lth00@juts.ccc.amdahl.com (Lawrence T Hardiman)
Heard at work, I think.
Clarence Thomas is alleged to have said:
Being called unethical by Ted Kennedy is like being called slimy by a snail.
= = = = = = =
From: prabhak@cs.umn.edu (Satya Prabhakar)
WASHINGTON STATE UNIVERSITY COURSE SCHEDULE Winter 1991
COURSE: ABSOLUTELY BASIC FUNDAMENTALS OF CROSS EXAMINATION
LECTURERS: Orrin Hatch and Arlen Specter (Guest Lecturers)
ENROLLED: Joe Biden, Ed Kennedy, Howell Heflin, Pat Leahy, Howard Metz
COURSE OUTLINE: # Why you should cross examine? How it may help you win the
case? What happens if you don't cross examine?
# Why not to ask stupid questions of an adversary witness?
(e.g., "You must be pretty outraged, Judge!)
# Why you should fierecely defend attacks on your own star
witness?
# Why you should attack your adversary witness?
# Recapitulation of absolutely basic fundamentals.
= = = = = = =
From: markh+@andrew.cmu.edu (Mark Held)
Original, of questionable taste.
Q: What do you get when you cross Clarence Thomas and Long Dong Silver?
A: The first throbbing member of the Supreme Court.
= = = = = = =
Subject: Headline Follies
From: dgross@viper.csc.calpoly.edu (Dave Gross)
Cal Poly's conservative newspaper, the Poly Review, took a stand
in its latest issue about the Clarence Thomas confirmation hearings.
Unfortunately, their headline may have given the wrong impression:
IRONY OF HEARINGS:
THOMAS SHOWS HE'S THE BIGGER MAN
= = = = = = =
From: djensen@claven.idbsu.edu (Dave Jensen)
Subject: Bush reveals truth about Clarence Thomas
Heard on radio news program while driving home just after the Thomas/senate
vote:
President Bush phoned Thomas to congratulate him...and among other
platitudes...said he was "an UNBELEIVABLE ROLE-MODEL for the nation."
Seems the truth comes out with when he doesn't use a script!
= = = = = = =
From: mad5c@kelvin.seas.virginia.edu (Michael DeLong)
Subject: A Bridge In Massachusetts
To my mind the most memorable exchange that occurred during the
Thomas hearings was when Sen. Simpson blew up at Sen. Ted
Kennedy's comment regarding Prof. Hill, saying:
"If you believe that, there's a bridge in Massachusetts I'd
like to sell you."
Dear Ted might well be President if not for a bridge in
Massachusetts, if you recall.
I think that this is the closest we've some to hearing the
word "Chappaquidick" on national television since the '80
Democratic Primaries.
(Simpson later apologised to Sen. Kennedy, saying that he meant
to say "Brooklyn".)
= = = = = = =
From: URANUS@brownvm.brown.edu
Subject: Clarence doth protest too much
It struck me during last week's hearings that Clarence Thomas seems the
sort of guy who would say just about anything to get himself off.
english.876dejanr,
At the water cooler, two women are chatting...
woman 1: I have a peculiar ailment. Whenever I sneeze I have an
orgasm!
woman 2: That's incredible. What are you taking for it?
woman 1: pepper
english.877dejanr,
I'm not sure I'm using this right, but if I am, here's a whole bunch
of viola jokes.
What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
A violin burns faster.
Why is a violist like a terrorist?
They both **** up bowings.
What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.
What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?
A dressmaker tucks up frills.
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and
a smoking crater where his house used to be. The cheif of poice comes over
to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house,
killed your family, and burned it down." The violist replied, "You're
kidding! The conductor came to my house?"
A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor
askes the violist, "What's wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe
loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, "I admit, that
seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you
crying?" To which the violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!"
The composition of a string quartet:
1 good violinist
1 bad violinist
1 really bad violinist who became a violist
1 chellist who hates all violinists.
Daniel M. Alt
Case Western Reserve University
english.878dejanr,
It seems that each week, you hear of yet another subsidiary being spun
off by Sun, and IBM forming another alliance with some smaller company. This
announcement crossed my desk today:
SUN ANNOUNCES NEW SUBSIDIARY; IBM TO PARTNER WITH DENNY'S
Sun Microsystems today announced the creation of yet another subsidiary,
bringing the total number of Sun wholly-owned subsidiaries to 1,207. After
successfully creating SunSoft, Sun Microsystems Computer Corporation, SunPICS,
SunConnect, and a number of other smaller firms, Sun has created SunLHMPPP.
SunLHMPPP is tasked with addressing the specific niche market of users that
require both left handed mice and a parallel printer port on their
workstations.
Howard Detwieler, president of SunPR, the public relations subsidiary of
Sun, explained the move: "We feel that a growing number of left handed users
are moving into the workstation world, and a lot of them have printers with
parallel ports. By creating this new company to meet their needs, left handed
users with parallel printers can be assured of specific, long term help from
Sun."
The firm is composed of six employees in an office down the hall from
Scott McNealy. The president of SunLHMPPP, Fred Testaverno, is bullish about
his target market. "We think that this will be a big, big profit opportunity
for Sun. Our initial research indicates that the left handed users with
parallel printers market is so big, we have begun the process of creating two
sub-subsidiaries, SunLHMPPP-LHM and SunLHMPPP-PPP. That way, we can meet the
needs of left handed users WITHOUT parallel printers. And vice versa.
Or both."
Sun Microsystems is a three billion dollar firm that produces a variety
of advanced computing hardware and software. Sun focuses on powerful solutions
to the big problems facing companies in the '90s: too many vice presidents, and
too few promotion slots in upper management.
In a related story, IBM has announced a long-term technology sharing
agreement with the Denny's restaurant chain. An IBM spokesman indicated that
the move is an indication of IBM's commitment to stay in business through a
series of increasingly pathetic consortium attempts. "Frankly, our competitors
are eating our lunch in this very competitive marketplace. With Denny's, we
can start serving lunch, and maybe stay ahead of the game."
Analysts welcome the move, pointing out that both firms mesh nicely. "IBM
has never been in the restaurant business, and the only computers at Denny's
are the cash registers. The two firms complement each other perfectly. Best
of all, both companies can retain the menu driven interfaces to their products
without confusing the end user!"
The first joint effort between the two companies will be an offering from
IBM involving expansion disk drives encased in an edible, pita bread housing.
Denny's will begin selling a Grand Slam Workstation, and will offer a free
memory upgrade to every customer on their birthday.
IBM is a multi-jillion dollar firm that used to sell a large number of
computers. They continue to stay in business, even though no one has met a
person who has actually purchased an IBM machine in the past five years.
english.879dejanr,
A friend of mine told me the other day that Sonny Bono was thinking of
running for the Senate in California. If Sonny Bono becomes Senator
Bono, does that mean we have to find a different nickname for Teddy
Kennedy?
NEW YORK (UPI) -- A creative session was held today at a major New York PR
firm, to formulate a new corporate message for Digital Equipment Corp. that
reflects the company's new direction promoting and supporting computing
industry standards. The shopworn phrase "Digital has it now" will be
replaced by a new tag line that is more contemporary, and is tied to DEC's
new adherence to industry standards.
"Digital's hip to the standards thing" will become the $11.5 billion
company's new-image slogan. In a radical departure from its traditionally
staid advertising approach, the company will produce a television ad
built around a rap music theme played out in a rapidly changing sequence of
office and engineering scenes.
In a parody of the commonly used product nomenclature, the video itself
is referred to as "a mythical Digital product called DECrap." The lyrics
to the rap video are:
"Digital's Hip to the Standards Thing"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I heard some news just the other day
It sounded kinda strange and I said, "No way!"
But I heard it again from another source
It mighta made sense and I said, "Of course!"
Now computer biz has a lotta confusion
'Cause operating systems abound in profusion.
But there's a whole new wave in data processing
Now that Digital's hip to the standards thing.
(chorus)
Digital's hip to the standards thing!
Digital's hip to the standards thing!
Way back when a long time ago
IBM owned the whole show.
But other dudes saw this proprietary mess
And formed committees to find out what's best.
Some went their own way and built their own software
But users were perturbed, "It's just a different nightmare."
So they got together to look over the picks
Put their down their money on good 'ol UNIX
(chorus)
Digital's hip to the standards thing!
Digital's hip to the standards thing!
Now Digital always kept their users in mind
And pushed VMS as the best of the kind.
A lotta folks agreed but kept askin' for
UNIX support, "We gotta have more!"
Soon DEC saw the light and decided to give
UNIX to the masses, (sorta live and let live).
So DEC's ridin' the wave ahead of the rest
On a backplane bogie board on top of the crest.
No doubt about it DEC's sprouted its wings
'Cause Digital's hip to the standards thing.
(chorus)
Digital's hip to the standards thing!
Digital's hip to the standards thing!
english.880dejanr,
A friend is someone you call to help you move.
A best friend is someone you call to help you move... a body.
(Heard at Catch A Rising Star in NYC)
english.881dejanr,
This quiz is dedicated to all of those people who find themselves
constantly roaming the net. Do you leave yourself logged in
twenty-four hours a day, even when you're not home? Is your
wpm typing speed higher than your IQ? Are you having trouble seeing
things at distances greater than 2 feet? Yes, YOU. You know who
you are.
Ok... shall we begin? Yes? 5 points... (you could've backed out.)
Unless otherwise stated, point values are as follows: 2 for (a), 4 for
(b), 6 for (c), and 10 for (d).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
1) How many valid net addresses do you have?
Multiple machines at the same site do not count.
____Internet ____UUCP ____Other public access ____Other
____Bitnet ____Freenet ____Internet BBS ____All seven
(2 points each)
2) How many hours did it take for you to create your .sig?
a) Huh?
b) More than one
c) More than five
d) I'm still looking for a really funky quote
3) On an average working day, how many email messages do you receive?
a) Nobody sends me any mail... snif
b) Three, but they're all from Lester in the next cubicle
over, because he has nothing better to do
c) I can't count that high, I failed calculus
d) Don't ask me now, I'm too busy. Send me e-mail.
4) Alright, fess up. Have you ever read alt.sex.bondage just to
see what the heck those perverts were talking about?
a) Yes, and I'm so ashamed
b) Yes, and I'm so embarrassed
c) Yes, and would you please explain a few things to me...
d) No, never. (10 points. You're lying.)
5) Have you ever met one of your past SO's (significant others)
via a computer network?
a) No
b) Yes, through a newsgroup we both posted on
c) Yes, by chatting randomly over the Internet (shame!)
d) Yes, by chatting over RELAY
6) Once you've logged onto your system, what do you spend most
of your time doing?
a) Going through the library system and putting books on reserve
b) Reading _Alice in Wonderland_ in the online bookshelf
c) Reading the monthly postings on rec.humor.funny
d) Writing up stupid quizzes because you've done everything else
7) If someone were to telephone your home at any given moment of the
day, what would be the percent chance that your phone would
be busy?
a) Zero... I've got call waiting
b) 25%.... I only dial in from work (Uh, hi, boss)
c) 75%.... Duh, so that's why nobody ever calls me
d) Zero... My modem has a separate phone line
8) Which usenet newsgroups do you spend the most time reading?
a) The comp. groups... because they're so informative
b) The soc. groups.... because they're so multicultural
c) The rec. groups.... because they're so diverting
d) The alt. groups.... because I don't know what half those
words mean
9) What's your worst complaint about having an Internet account?
a) I have to pay $5/month for it
b) The damn sysadmins won't give me enough quota to hold
all my .gif's
c) All those programmers keep tying up the modem lines
d) I have to stay in school to keep it
10) Check your watch now. What time is it?
a) 10 am... coffee break
b) 3 pm.... General Hospital's on
c) 12 am... one last login before I hit the sack
d) 4 am.... Oh my God, I've got a test tomorrow
ALRIGHT, GUYS. SCORING TIME.
0-25 points: You're not a nerd. Go read a manual or two and come back
next year.
25-50 points: You're an up-and-coming Internet nerd. Why don't you
telnet over to 128.6.4.8 and play around with the Quartz
BBS for a while.
50-75 points: You're a full-fledged Internet nerd. Join the club.
75-100 points: You're an Internet addict. Try going to the library
this week, it'll do you some good.
100+ points: You're an Internet obsessive-compulsive. Unplug your
computer, go out in the woods for a few days, and relax.
Lay back and listen to the birds singing. Clear your mind.
And don't forget to unsubscribe yourself from all those
lists before you leave.
---- written by slewis@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Sarah Lewis) in a moment
of extreme boredom. Disclaimer: OSU doesn't know I wrote this, and
it's probably better that way. Sigh. Time to hit the books....
english.882dejanr,
I run a computer-taught course on Canadian income tax law, on a
system which allows students to record comments at any time.
One paragraph of the material reads:
> A surtax is an additional "tax on the tax", which is enacted
> ostensibly as a temporary measure to raise revenue. (The income
> tax itself was a temporary measure when it was introduced in 1917,
> but that's another story.)
To which a student recently commented:
> The federal tories are a temporary measure introduced in 1984.
David Sherman
The Law Society of Upper Canada
english.883dejanr,
I heard this joke from my husband.
Q: Honey, would you still love me if I were burned beyond all recognition?
A: I'd love you MORE!
english.884dejanr,
Here at Cal Poly we have the great honor (!) of having a
PS/2 AIX cluster with an IBM 3090 as a fileserver (to be
fair, it does many other chores, but this is the primary
use for students.)
The following list is "what really happens" when it goes
down for preventive maintenance every other weekend. It
was posted locally by Allan Schaffer, who resides at
polyslo.csc.calpoly.edu.
abp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Top 25 things done when AIX is taken down for maintenance: (Revision 2)
25. Let the heads cool
24. Replace the air filter
23. Re-gap the spark plugs
22. Send another installment of hush money to IBM
21 Change the transmission fluid (for network connections)
20. Create another no-traffic newsgroup
19. repaint the cover blue
18. Shine the chrome bumpers and tail fins
17. Put the cat out
16. Change the litter box (/lost+found)
15. Dust off the mouse, change mouseballs (twist-off method)
14. Re-grease the hamster treadmills
13. Check for burned out vacuum tubes
12. Remove any jammed punch cards
11. Take moths out of relays (de-bugging)
10. Replace the control rods
9. Park the heads
8. Remove bananas from exhaust pipes
7. Feed the Keebler network gnomes
6. Put in a new batch of sysadmins
5. Put out some martinis for when we're done
4. Pad the MOTD with a few more lines
3. Do some laundry
2. Alert BORG Central Command
and then, once we're all done...
1. Boot DOS from a floppy
Allan
--and the CSL peanut gallery
[all in good fun... If this offends you, you've worked for IBM too long] :-)
english.885dejanr,
A man went to one of those official government buildings to get a
driver's license. After waiting in lines all day, he became rather
peeved when he finally got to a clerk.
"I need a fuckin' license," the man mumbled.
"I'm sorry, I didn't hear you," the clerk said, "did you say you
needed a hunting license?"
"No," said the man, "I just need an ordinary fucking license."
"Oh," said the clerk, "you mean you need a license to fuck."
The man was astonished for a moment, and finally asked "Is there
really such a thing?"
"Of course there is," said the clerk, "It used to be called a marriage
license, but the politically-correct term now is 'a license to fuck.'"
The man was quite surprised to hear this, and forgetting his odyssey
in search of a driver's license, he decided that he would never
believe that there was such a thing as a license to fuck, unless he
saw it for himself.
"Well, yes, that's what I want," he told the clerk, "I want to get a
license to fuck. Where do I go to get it?"
"Go down this corridor and into the second room on the right," said
the clerk.
So the man followed the instructions and went into a large room with
many people, most of whom were police officers, waiting in a long line.
For a while he unsuccessfully looked around for a sign that would
satisfy his curiosity about the license to fuck, and he began to
think that the clerk was joking, but then he realized how absurd that
thought was. He knew he could never be satisfied unless he found out
whether there really was such a license, so he timidly approached a
rather pleasant-looking police officer at the end of the line, and
asked, "Excuse me, sir, but is this the line for the license to fuck?"
"No," said the officer, "that line is over there. This here is the
line for the license to kill."
english.886dejanr,
Original: If a train-station is where a train stops
what happens at a workstation?
Reply: Unless the trains accumulate, they must also start at the station.
However, we know that using the above logic work cannot start at a
work station as frequently as it stops because there is always
significant accumulation at one!
Roger Brook, Michigan State University
english.887dejanr,
To whom it may concern:
Here is what I came up with, what I even lost sleep over (the concept
popped into my head around midnight, and I was striving make mine as good
as the originals). Some are good; some are bad; all are mine.
The Jungle Fever Book
Bill & Ted & Carol & Alice's Excellent Adventures
Singin' in the Purple Rain
39 Step-mothers Are Aliens
My Darling, My Hamburger Hill
Little Orphan Tate (Little Man Annie?)
Whatever Happened to Three Men and Baby Jane?
Guess Who's Coming Late for Dinner
Adventures in Babysitting Bill and Ted
Sound of the Music Man
Children of a Lesser Corn God
St. Elmo's Firestarter
Backdraft to the Future
Angelheart at My Table
Hunt for Red Sonja
Spaceballs the Odyssey
Who's That Valleygirl?
Meaning of the Life of Brian
Harold & Micki & Maude
Code of Silence of the Lambs
Back to the Futureshock
Stand and Deliver by Me
Valley of the Gods Must Be Crazy
Lord of the Flies of Discipline
The Breakfast Club of Tiffany's
I guess that's all for now. I'd like the feedback to be as human as
possible, as this is my first attempt at (indirectly) posting. I am just now
entering the technological era, and would like some guidance.
english.888dejanr,
Bill Kirby of the Gwinnett Daily News, Duluth, Ga., passes this one
along:
An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a
living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000.
The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back
home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed the
older man a $50 bill.
The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you
know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't
spend it on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license
to legally marry your Ma."
"Pa!" the young man stammered, "do you know what that makes me?"
"Yep," said the old man fingering the $50, "... and a cheap one, too."
english.889dejanr,
<A collaboration with Marc McDonald>
What's the difference between a lawyer and a pothole?
None, except that nobody runs over the same pothole twice.
english.890dejanr,
<from Richard Buchmiller>
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber
arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a
while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as
a doctor!". The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
english.891dejanr,
Last night, it was reported on the news that British insurance
companies were on the hook for 20 million pounds as an accidental
death benefit for Robert Maxwell, and weren't buying the Spanish
inquest's story of death due to misadventure complicated by heart
attack. The story in the British newspapers is that the death must be
suicide, because there is no medical evidence of heart trouble.
The insurance company story is rapidly gaining credence in Britain,
because no one respects the Spanish inquisition.
english.892dejanr,
This joke was told to me as an example of the "synthesist" personality
type. That is, a joke so weird that no one in his right mind would think
it funny except the minority personality archetype.
********
A woman was sitting at an elegant dinner. Across from her, a man
in neat black tie and tux was carefully piling stewed carrots on top
of his head. She watched him for a while in horror until she could
stand it no more. "Sir," she finally asked. "Why are you piling
carrots on your head." He looked back at her, shocked. "Carrots?"
he exclaimed. "I thought these were yams!"
english.893dejanr,
At this time of year one often finds high stress levels among
graduate students here at Madison, since we're enjoying the
screening exams process. Students who want to pursue doctoral
degrees must pass a set of difficult exams in computer science
within a certain time period. We must pass one depth (four
hour) exam, and two breadth (two hour) exams in different
subject areas.
One of my friends came up with a great way to apply his
nervous energy (and cynical wit), which was to write this
wonderful parody of an Operating Systems screening exam.
Some of the humor is particularly poignant to people familiar
with the particular exam, since the questions are recognizable
twists on topics that seem to always come up. For example,
Question 1 is about the paper "On the Duality of Operating
System Structures" by Lauer and Needham, [Proc. 2nd Int'l
Symposium on Operating Systems, IRIA, October 1978]. And
Question 8 is clearly about the controversy over whether
network file servers should be stateless or maintain state.
Even without this "inside" knowledge, this exam is very funny.
My friend is shy about posting this himself, but I think it
deserves a wide audience, so I twisted his arm until he agreed
to let me submit it.
Computational Pedantry
Instructions:
For the BREATH exam: Answer any 4 of questions 1-6.
For the DEATH exam: Answer any 6 of questions 1-6, and any 5 of
questions 7-10. You are expected to spend about two hours on each
fifth of the exam. You are allowed to spend about two hours on
each half of the exam.
BREATH QUESTIONS
Breath 1. Duolity:
In principle, Batman/Robin and Electrawoman/Dynagirl superheros
should have similar power and performance. In practice, most
Batman/Robin TV programs have achieved better popularity than
Electrawoman/Dynagirl programs.
(2a) Describe two opportunities for tasteful dress or believable
plot offered by a typical Batman/Robin program that are not
offered by a typical Electrawoman/Dynagirl program. Explain
why these optimizations occur more often in the Batman/Robin
programs.
(2b) Describe how advertising buffers between episodes may be
implemented in a Batman/Robin program with strictly premium
channels.
Breath 3. Resource Management:
Every resource management system needs protection against overuse
or abuse of the resource. Three general strategies are preven-
tion, avoidance, and detection & recovery.
(3a) Describe these strategies, carefully distinguishing between
them, and give an example of each.
(3b) Give specific arguments for and against applying the detec-
tion & recovery strategy mentioned in N. Wirth's paper "Pro-
gram Development Through Stepwise Refinement."
Breath 5. Encryption:
Pbafvqre n flfgrz jurer vagrecebprff pbzzhavpngvba vf ivn
zrffntrf. Nyy zrffntr pbzzhavpngvba orgjrra znpuvarf vf
rapelcgrq. Gur rapelcgvba shapgvba pna or cynprq ng nal bs
frireny yriryf va gur flfgrz. Qrfpevor gur nqinagntrf naq qvfnqi-
nagntrf bs rnpu bs gurfr nygreangvirf.
(5a) Rnpu xreary vf erfcbafvoyr sbe rfgnoyvfuvat n frpher punaary
gb rnpu bgure xreary gb juvpu vg gnyxf.
(5b) Rnpu cebprff vf erfcbafvoyr sbe rfgnoyvfuvat n frpher punaary
gb rnpu bgure cebprff gb juvpu vg gnyxf.
(5c) Gur argjbex freivpr cebivqref (tngrjnlf, ebhgref, rgp.) ner
erfcbafvoyr sbe rfgnoyvfuvat frpher punaaryf.
DEATH QUESTIONS
Death 8. Tasteless/Tasteful Hosts:
A so-called tasteless host is one that does not maintain any
information about guests between parties. For this question,
assume parties are not replicated (no party is held in more than
one veranda).
(8a) How would you accomplish catering with a tasteless server?
(8b) How does recovery from guests trashing the lawn at a taste-
less host party differ from recovery at a party that main-
tains open invitations?
(8c) Consider a tasteless server where you have multiple guests
wanting to speak simultaneously to a given host. How can you
enforce consistency of access such that all eats and bytes
from the server appear to obey some serialization? What are
the performance ramifications of providing such consistency?
Death 9. Synchronization:
(9a) Briefly describe the principal differences between "doing
lunch" and "you MUST call me" primitives.
(9b) Describe problems which arise when distance vector routing
algorithms are used and how these may or may not be corrected
by "doing lunch."
(9c) How have the presence of hall monitors affected development
of these primitives?
Death 10. Distributed Shared Memory:
A single virtual address space can be supported simultaneously
across the (homogeneous) processors of a collection of worksta-
tions distributed across a local area network.
(10a)
Implement such a scheme.
(10b)
Integrate your scheme into the following three kernels, and
give performance estimates on the modified systems:
(1) UNIX
(2) OS/360
(3) THE
english.894dejanr,
Original work written by Stephen Kroese
As I was walking down the street the other day, I noticed a man working
on his house. He seemed to be having a lot of trouble. As I came closer,
I saw that he was trying to pound a nail into a board by a window --
with his forehead. He seemed to be in a great deal of pain. This made me
feel very bad, watching him suffer so much just to fix his window pane.
I thought, "Here is an opportunity to make someone very happy simply by
showing him a better way to do things." Seeing him happy would make me
happy too. So I said, "Excuse me sir, there is a better way to do that."
He stopped pounding his head on the nail and with blood streaming down
his face said, "What?"
I said, "There is a better way to pound that nail. You can use a
hammer."
He said, "What?"
I said "A hammer. It's a heavy piece of metal on a stick. You can use it
to pound the nail. It's faster and it doesn't hurt when you use it."
"A hammer, huh?"
"Thats right. If you get one I can show you how to use it and you'll be
amazed how much easier it will make your job."
Somewhat bewildered he said,"I think I have seen hammers, but I thought
they were just toys for kids."
"Well, I suppose kids could play with hammers, but I think what you saw
were brightly colored plastic hammers. They look a bit like real
hammers, but they are much cheaper and don't really do anything," I
explained.
"Oh," he said. Then went on, "But hammers are more expensive than using
my forehead. I don't want to spend the money for a hammer."
Now somewhat frustrated I said, "But in the long run the hammer would
pay for itself because you would spend more time pounding nails and less
time treating head wounds."
"Oh," he said. "But I can't do as much with a hammer as I can with my
forehead," he said with conviction.
Exasperated, I went on. "Well, I'm not quite sure what else you've been
using your forehead for, but hammers are marvelously useful tools. You
can pound nails, pull nails, pry apart boards, in fact every day people
like you seem to be finding new ways to use hammers. And I'm sure a
hammer would do all these things much better than your forehead."
"But why should I start using a hammer? All my friends pound nails with
their foreheads too. If there were a better way to do it I'm sure one of
them would have told me," he countered.
Now he had caught me off guard. "Perhaps they are all thinking the same
thing," I suggested. "You could be the first one to dicover this new way
to do things," I said with enthusiasm.
With a skeptical look in his bloodstained eye he said,"Look, some of my
friends are professional carpenters. You can't tell me they don't know
the best way to pound nails."
"Well, even professionals become set in their ways and resist change."
Then in a frustrated yell I continued, "I mean come on! You can't just
sit there and try to convince me that using your forehead to pound nails
is better than using a hammer!"
Now quite angry he yelled back, "Hey listen buddy, I've been pounding
nails with my forehead for many years now. Sure, it was painful at first
but now it's second nature to me. Besides, all my friends do it this way
and the only people I've ever seen using 'hammers' were little kids. So
take your stupid little children's toys and get the hell off my
property."
Stunned, I started to step back. I nearly tripped over a large box of
head bandages. I noticed a very expensive price tag on the box and a blue
company logo on the price tag. I had seen all I needed to see. This man
had somehow been brainwashed, probably by the expensive bandage company,
and was beyond help. Hell, let him bleed, I thought. People like that
deserve to bleed to death. I walked along, happy that I owned not one
but three hammers at home. I used them every day at school and I use
them now evey day at work and I love them. A sharp pain hit my stomach
as I recalled the days before I used hammers, but I reconciled myself
with the thought that tonight at the hammer users club meeting I could
talk to all my friends about their hammers. We will make jokes about all
the idiots we know that don't have hammers and discuss wether we should
spend all of our money buying the fancy new hammers that just came out.
Then when I get home, like every night, I will sit up and use one of my
hammers until very late when I finally fall asleep. In the morning I
will wake up ready to go out into the world proclaiming to all non-
hammer users how they too could become an expert hammer user like me.
Stephen Kroese
stevek@ceco.com
english.895dejanr,
A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is
persuaded to have a medical exam first.
"Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit", he says
to the doctor.
"O.K.", says the medic, "let me see your sex organs."
So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.
english.896dejanr,
Here is my press release for the world's first Computer-Aided Religion.
August 13, 1990
Dear Friendly Friend:
How many times have you wanted to fill that yawning spiritual void in
your life but just weren't able to find the time or the energy? How
often have you wanted to form a more personal relationship with a Higher
Authority but just couldn't get turned on by that same old tired
selection of Supreme Beings? Haven't you ever wished there was just one
religion out there that understood you, Friendly Friend, that indulged
you, one that fit in with your creative, dynamic lifestyle? Well, at
last, thanks to the Creators of Wauism, there is. Finally, there's a
faith that works for you, Friendly Friend, instead of the other way
around. After all these years, and following an in-depth market
research study, Wauists Worldwide (A full-service non-profit agency not
affiliated with CBS International) has come up with a religion that
draws upon the best features of some of the world's most popular
denominations, but goes them all far better!
Yes, Friend, that's right! Wauism is everything some religions are and
much, much more. It's not just a job, it's an adventure; it's a breath
mint, and a candy mint; it's everything you always wanted in a God and
less. Designed using the latest in CAR (Computer-Aided Religion)
technology, here's just a few of the features Wauism offers:
1. Guaranteed Salvation. Guaranteed. Other religions
require you to behave a certain way in the here-and-now in order to make
out in the hereafter; with Wauism, you can do whatever you want, because
your salvation is guaranteed! Wauism realizes you've got enough to
worry about in life without having to be nervous about where you're
headed after you die, so relax! As a Wauist, death means never having
to have said you're sorry. Whatever Heaven you want is yours; or if
you'd rather just be dead, that's fine, too.
2. Your Choice of Supreme Being. No more arguing about
who's more all-powerful, Jesus or Mohammed, Buddha or Joseph Smith. Stop
fighting about whether Allah could take The Holy Ghost in a wrestling
match. End the endless bickering over whether the Supreme Diety is a He
or a She. With Wauism, you can choose. Using the patented Godolyzer,
you make God in your image. Combine Jesus' hairdo with Mother Nature's
eyes. Add the musical flair of Krishna to the sexual swagger of
Zoroaster. You want a Lord who vengeful but also knows how to rock? No
problem. Using the Godolyzer, with or without the templates provided,
you make the call.
3. Eat Whatever You Want. Remember fishsticks on Friday?
Or how about unleavened bread? And who--try as they might--can forget
"bitter herbs?" Well, now, thanks to Wauism, you can. As a Wauist,
you'll never have to tongue another eucharist wafer off of your palate
or nurse another hangover brought on from sacramental wine again. Glut
your maw however you'd like, whenever you'd like. Eat all you want,
just want all you take.
4. More Efficient Commandments. Some religions take as
many as Ten Commandments to lay down their laws. Wauism, using the
latest in data-compression techniques, has significantly reduced the
number of Commandments and has also managed to dramatically decrease
their stringency. Think of them simply as a Couple of Suggestions, and
if you'd rather not, hey, Friend, that's quite all right, too.
5. No Sexual Taboos. Has anything turned more people away
from the power above the heavens than the power below their waists?
Wauism doesn't have the problem, because as a Wauist, you
Friendly Friend, can stick or get stuck however you want with whom or
whatever you want whenever or wherever you want. As long as no one gets
hurt--or just if they want to--Wauism says have fun. And be safe.
6. More and Better Holidays. Even the most fun-loving
religions usually have only half a dozen or so major holidays a year.
And often several of these are days of atonment or fasting. Wausism, on
the other hand, features a full complement of 365 full-scale religious
holidays a year! 366 for leap year. And all include presents and
feasting.
7. No Hazing Rituals. No hitting with sticks. No
drenchings in water. No knives aimed at your privates. Need we say
more?
8. No Annual Fee. Because of low overhead (no Gothic
cathedrals to keep up, no sacred texts to maintain, no Crusades to
mount) Wauism is offered to you entirely free! A letter now and again
would be nice, but hey, don't sweat it.
9. 100% Compatibilty. Wauism does not require you to
change or upgrade any of your existing religious or sectarian beliefs.
It is in no way mutually exclusive. You can be a Wauist and anything
else you want, too--even Republican.
10. Quit at Any Time. No forms to fill out, no messy dyes
to spill, no one will call you. You can be a Wauist one day and
something else the next. Change hourly if you'd like. By the second if
you'd prefer. Or, be a Wauist forever. It's entirely up to you. So,
there you have it, Friend, in a nutshell--a pistachio to be exact. With
Wauism, you get all the plusses of other religions with none of the
minusses. It's like having your cake and eating it, too. Heck, it's
like owning the whole bakery! And because you, Friendly Friend, are
who you are, and only sometimes somebody else, you have been selected to
participate in this charter membership offer. As a Wauist, you'll enjoy
the benefits of the world's only computer-designed faith as well as the
peace of mind of knowing if the Armageddon does come, it's not your
fault!
So, join today and start receiving the benefits immediately. All you
have to do is whatever you want. Make no phone calls unless you feel so
inclined. Write no letters unless it strikes your fancy. Send no money,
unless you want to.
Be a Wauist or don't be. You are still surrounded in a cone of love.
Sincerely,
D.A. LeTang Wauist
P.S. This offer never expires, relax and breath deep.
english.897dejanr,
A friend of mine sent this to me in the mail from the Albany area. I
have no clue where this was originally published, or when but it looks
like an on-campus thing.
---------------------
The Inter-Dwarf Memo Service
Compiled by Robb Perlman
--------------------
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Fellow Dwarves
From: Doc
Re: S. White
If that bitch cleans one more
thermometer with Ajax, I'm gonna kill
her. I'll give her apples, nice big
apples. With surprises inside. Yeah,
surprises.
--------------------
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Fellow Dwarves
From: Happy
Re: S. White
Let it be noted that if she
whistles that goddamned song one
more time I'm gonna rip her fuckin'
lips off. Have a nice day.
--------------------
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Fellow Dwarves
From: Sneezy
Re: S. White
Shes' driving me nuts boys. Ev-
ery three seconds it's "Bless you!" in
that damm sing-songy voice of hers. I
can't take it any more! I'm not a well
dwarf you know.
--------------------
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Fellow Dwarves
From: Bashful
Re: S. White
I really don't mean to start any-
thing, but since she enrolled me in that
assertiveness training seminar, the
only thing that I can think of giving me
pleasure is throwing her out of a
twenty story building. I hope you
didn't mind receiving this memo.
--------------------
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Fellow Dwarves
From: Dopey
Re: S. White
--------------------
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Fellow Dwarves
From: Sleepy
Re: S. White
She keeps making my bed. She
knows I'm going back to sleep in a
minute, but nooo -- she has to make the
bed.
Slut.
--------------------
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Fellow Dwarves
From: Grumpy
Re: S. White
I really love what she's done
with the place. Those throw pillows
make a world of difference. And her
hair! Oh, I just love it!
english.898dejanr,
For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
english.899dejanr,
7:30 wake up to the sound of Radio Moscow on my Sony Walkperson
spend half an hour contemplating the gender role I intend
playing this day.
8:00 Breakfast is a free range soft boiled egg followed by meusli,
the milkperson has not called today so I have my Nicaraguan
coffee non-white.
8:20 Go off to have my labour exploited. Bus late demonstrating the
inefficiencies of the free market system and hence the
inevitability of it's eventual collapse,
9:00 Arrive at work. My personager does not seem to have accepted the
case I made for day care nursery provision. Perhaps herm will
be more receptive when we have some employees with children
of pre school age.
9:45 I notice that there is now a notice in the Male lavatories requesting
that sanitary towells should not be disposed of in the toilet.
Does this mean that a sanitary can is also going to be provided?
12:45 Lunch, I go to the new Vegetarian restaurant at the corner and
buy a sandwich. The waitee tells me that they are organised as
a cooperative - proof that worker power is indeed challenging
the corporatist exploitation of the proletariat. I must raise
this at the next party meeting.
13:45 Back to work. It's starting to get cold! I hope it warms up a bit
before saturday. Its much worse standing about selling the paper
in the wet as people are much less willing to talk. Still if
Marx and Lenin had allowed themselves to be discouraged by such
events how would the processes of Historical Materialism have
smashed the borgouise capitalist system to create the worker state?
17:30 Home time at last. On the way back I pick up a newspaper and a
sandwich. Much as I would prefer to support an independent
newspaper which is not the mouthpiece of the establishment I
buy a Guardian so I can read If and Donnesbury.
19:30 Go out to my conciousness medianating group. I feel a great
feeling of solidarity on such occasions with the oppressed
minorities in society. I am pleased now that I switched from the
anti-patriarchy conciousness raising group, after all the idea
of raising conciousness must surely be elitist in some respect
and thus serve to support the class structure of our society.
21:30 After the session we join with the wymins Zap action Cheeswire
brigade. Such occasions are vital to building grass roots level
solidarity with others united in our cause. It was noticable that
far from being intmidated by our male presence our sister
bretheren did almost all the talking. Obvously their conciousness
medianating is suceeding! I learned that I still poses many
sexist and patriarchal attitudes. I must try to eliminate these
23:30 Home at last, only time for a single chapter of Capital before
going to sleep. Workers of all lands UNITE !
Keep a very firm grasp on reality, so you can strangle it at any time.
english.900dejanr,
Ask a lady for a date ... go to jail.
IT'S THE LAW!!!
english.901dejanr,
Here's a little song that was sent to me from a colleague in Rochester, NY:
PROGRAMMER'S DRINKING SONG
100 little bugs in the code,
100 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code.....
Repeat until BUGS = 0
english.902dejanr,
A few years ago, while riding home from school on my bicycle,
I had a bit of a problem; a pedal broke, the shaft cut an
artery in my leg, lots of blood, police, the ambulance, etc.
After the sewed me up at the hospital, I wanted to call my
wife to come to pick me up. My problem was how to gently
break it to her that I was in the hospital, so that she
wouldn't get worried. I knew how to do it, and the conversation
went like this:
"Hi, Jackie, I'm a bit late today. I had a problem
with my bicycle. Could you pick me up?"
"What happened?"
"My Pedal broke."
"Where are you?"
"Well, I cut my leg when it broke, and I decided to
stop at the hospital to let a doctor look at it."
(Pretty good, eh. She wouldn't get worried by that. I was congratulating
myself on being so smooth, when I got caught with an unexpected
question which I answered honestly.)
"Which hospital?"
"I don't know, there weren't any windows in the ambulance."
Panic set in. I blew it.