english.703darone,
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightpulp?
You can unscrew the lightpulp.
english.704ivujanic,
-> #703, darone> What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightpulp?
>
> You can unscrew the lightpulp.
:)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Ivica
english.705ndragan,
(happened 1977, playboy - po sećanju)
a student in california grows a french style beard, and makes a photo of his
new face to send it to his parents somewhere in nebraska. in the letter, he
says: "don't I look like a count?"
parents reply: "your studies cost us so much, and you can't even spell
properly!"
english.706ndragan,
-> #691, madamov* Da li ste znali da su kod Amera Teksašani ono što su kod nas Bosanci,
* Mujo, Haso ... ?
normalno; svako ima svoje. nemci imaju istočnu friziju, sećam se čak nekih
desetak komata, ali sam odavno dao RESIGN BLJAK... recimo samo ovaj:
zašto istočni frizijci ne putuju u inostranstvo svojim kolima? zbog zelene
karte; oni jedu sve što se zeleni
ostatak evrope, koliko se sećam ;), zajebav* belgijance, napr: kakva je
razlika između belgijanca i lonca govana? razlika je sam lonac.
niko, niko, kao mi, a? mislim, al im je nivo...
Bue_ NDragan
english.707isekulovic,
-> #706, ndragan>> * Da li ste znali da su kod Amera Teksasani ono sto su kod nas Bosanci,
>> * Mujo, Haso ... ?
Ja sam mislio da su Poljaci.Cak sam cuo mnogo viceva
na engleskom sa Poljacima koji se kod nas pricaju sa Mujom i Hasom.
ivan
english.708ndragan,
a chinaman got rich in australia, and decided to go over the ocean to visit
his poor cousins. he took a first class ticket on the big cross - pacific
ship. one morning during the trip, he took a comfortable seat on the upper
deck to catch some sun. a steward saw him:
you for coffee?
YOU fock offi, I'm a filst class passengel!
Bue_ NDragan
english.709ndragan,
ajde ko ume da prevede sledeću rečenicu na dva načina:
THE MORE YOU DRINK, THE W.C.
Bue_ NDragan
english.710ndragan,
-> #704, ivujanic*> You can unscrew the lightpulp.
wasn't it a lightBULB?
english.711ivujanic,
-> #710, ndraganMojne mene, to posla darone, i meni je bilo čudno...
Ivica
english.712darone,
-> #710, ndragan>> *> You can unscrew the lightpulp.
>>
>> wasn't it a lightBULB?
Prvo da kažem: nisam ja kriv. Dakle, jedan moj ortak (juzernejm je
kolja, samo još nije platio - a možda i jeste, nismo se čuli) je jedno
veče ostavio tu poruku, a ja sam kucao. I pitam ja:
-Jel lajtpulp ili lajtbulb?
(sada kolja)
-Lajtpulp, lajtbulb... Ma ne znam, piši lajtpulp, shvatiće onaj
ko bude čitao....Ionako mora da se zna engleski...
I ja fino napišem pulp. I sada dobijem kritiku ;(
al se ne ljutim :)
darone
english.713ndragan,
a reporter asked a chinaman: "when do you have elections?"
"Evely molning"
english.714ndragan,
-> #711, ivujanic* Mojne mene, to posla darone, i meni je bilo čudno...
znam, ti si samo citirao, al bre mrzelo me da citiram pa brišem celu
stranu praznih linija... kad si ti to već uradio
Bue_ NDragan
english.715dejanr,
A pool salesman, Hal, had to travel cross country for a meeting with one of
his suppliers. This entailed leaving his wife, Vanessa, alone for about four
days. This worried Hal, since he had caught Vanessa eyeing men on and
off for the last couple of months. He decided to go down to the mall.
They had this neat little sex shop there were he could buy her some sort
of playtoy, in hopes of diverting her sexual energy.
The next day he went there on his lunchbreak. He opens the door and is
met immediately by a little chinese man "Hewwo, how may I hep you?".
"I'm going out of town next week, and I don't trust my wife by herself.
What can you give me to occupy her while I am gone, so she doesn't find
another man?"
The little man thinks a second, and then his face lights up,"Oh! I
have perfect cure for woman who be horny!" He goes back through a beaded
curtain, and returns a minute later with a dusty, gray shoe-like box,
grinning from ear to ear. "This exactly what you need."
Hal looks at the box, so far unimpressed. The little man opens the box
and moves over a bit into the light. Hal peers inside, and sees what looks
like an ordinary dildo. "What's so special about that, I can get that
anywhere" Hal says.
The little mans grin gets even bigger "No No silly American, this
Voodoo dick"
"Voodoo dick. What the hell is Voodoo dick?" Says Hal
"You watch closely." replies the little man, and then exclaims "Voodoo
dick, the door!"
And to Hal's amazement, the dildo slowly levitates out of the box, and
heads for the door. When it gets to the door, it lunges back and forth
and back and forth at it, reducing it to splinters until nothing is left
of it. It then returns to the box and floats gently inside.
After witnessing this, Hal, in total amazement, says "I must have it!
It's perfect! How much is it?"
"Two thousand dollar" says the little man.
"Two thousand! That's highway robbery!" says Hal.
"OK Mr., if you no want..."
"No No, OK, I'll take it" concedes Hal.
"Good" says the little man "Will that be cash or Visa?"
"Sheesh....." says Hal.
Hal gets home that evening, and his wife meets him at the door. "What's
in the box?" asks Vanessa. "Oh nothing" says Hal.
"Please tell me. Please please please...."
"OK, it's for you, a special present." Hal says, and opens the box.
Vanessa glances inside and sees the dildo. "Hal! I already have....oops,
I mean, gee what is it?"
"It's a Voodoo dick! When I'm gone, and you get real horny, just open
this box, and say 'Voodoo dick - my pussy.' and you'll be completely
satisfied" Hal says.
"Hmmm....what will happen?" asks Vanessa
"You'll see....you'll see...."
Two days later, Hal's on his trip. Vanessa is getting real horny. She
thinks, "Gee, that man that cleans pools for Hal might be interested...nah
I'll try out this Voodoo dick thingamabob." She goes and gets the box,
opens it up, and peers inside. She sets the box down, and gets undressed
and sits back on the bed. She reaches part way into the box, and thinks for
a moment, and draws her hand back out. "Voodoo dick! My pussy!" she says.
Voodoo dick floats out of the box, and heads right for her crotch. It
gets to her, and enters her, lunging back and forth. She lays back on the
bed, thinking that this is the most incredible thing she has ever seen, or
*felt*. She has one orgasm, two, three, and it's still going. How does she
get it to stop? Four...five...Oh gees, shes thinks, I have to get this
thing to stop.
She gets up, starts for the phone, then thinks. "Nah, I'll have to drive
to the hospital, they'll know how to stop it."
She puts a dress on, gets the keys to her car, and heads out, all the while
Voodoo dick is still going at her. She's in the car driving down the road,
having her sixth, no seventh orgasm, trying to concentrate on the road.
She looks in her mirror and sees flashing red and blue. "Oh shit. A damn
cop" She pulls over slowly.
The cop walks up to the car "Good evening, may I see your liscence, proof
of insurance, and registration please?"
"S-s-sure officer....it's r-r-r-right h-h-here" She hands it to him.
"Have you been drinking tonight lady?"
"N-n-n-no I haven't O-o-o-oficer. I have to get t-t-to the h-h-hospital."
"Are you sick? What's the problem?" the cop says.
"I have a Voodoo dick in my pussy that won't come out."
"A WHAT?" the cop asks again.
"A Voodoo dick.....p-p-p-please..."
The cop thinks about it for a second. Now he's seen it all, he thinks.
He looks at her, and says "VOODOO DICK MY ASS!"
english.716dejanr,
I believe I read this one in a new book by Larry King, _Tell Me
More_. I think it came from a fairly old comedian.
A man walks along, and sees an old man sitting on a park bench.
The old man is perhaps eighty, and is crying his eyes out.
The first man approaches the elderly one and asks "What's wrong?"
The elderly fellow replies. "I just married a twenty-year old
girl, and..."
The first man prods him: "And? Do you have troubles with..."
"Oh, no, no. I have incredible stamina for a man my age, and we
make love twenty-three times a day."
The first man, obviously surprised, asks "So what's wrong?"
"I forgot where I live!" bawls the old man.
english.717dejanr,
Running Bear finally woke up one morning to discover that he was
a man. As such, he deduced, he would require a woman. So he
trekked on over to the Medicine Man's teepee to requisition a
woman.
"What you want, Running Bear?" queried the Medicine Man.
"Running Bear want woman!"
"Hmmm," said the Medicine Man, "do you know what to do with
a woman once you've got her?"
"Uh," said Running Bear, "no..."
"Then go into the woods for two months. Find a tree with a hole
in it, and practice on the tree. Once you have perfected your
technique with the tree, come back to me and I will give you
a woman."
Running Bear agreed, and set off into the woods. Sure enough,
he found a tree with the appropriately sized hole, and began
his two months of practice. Two months later, he returned
to the Medicine Man with pride n his eyes.
"Okay," he said to the Medicine Man, "me know what to do. Give
me woman."
The Medicine Man nodded and brought a pretty young squaw from the
back of the teepee. "Little Flower," he said to her, "you now
belong to Running Bear. Do as he asks."
Runnin Bear and Little Flower then retire to a vacant teepee where
Running Bear instructs her to bend over. She shrugs and complies.
Running Bear then gives her a swift kick in the ass.
"Hey!" cried Little Flower. "What did you do that for?"
"Me no stupid," explained Running Bear, "Me check for bees first."
english.718dejanr,
Shamelessly swiped from The Sunday Comics:
What is the difference between men and women:
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need
english.719dejanr,
Q: Why do tech supporters make such great lovers?
A: Because they know when not to answer the phone!!
english.720dejanr,
THE WOMAN IS LIKE THE WORLD ...
... AT 20 SHE'S LIKE AFRICA, ALL WARM AND MYSTERIOUS
... AT 30 SHE'S LIKE AMERICA, TECHNICALLY PERFECT
... AT 40 SHE'S LIKE EUROPE, ALL IN RUIN
... AT 50 SHE'S LIKE SIBERIA, EVERYBODY KNOWS WHERE IT IS
BUT NOBODY WANTS TO GO
english.721dejanr,
Saddam Hussein, curious to see how his newly implemented decree allowing Iraqis
to travel abroad for the first time in years heads down to the passport office.
Once there he joins the line. One after another the passport seekers ahead of
him insist that President Saddam take their place. Very quickly he has moved to
the head of the line and he is dealing with the clerk. The clerk issues
President Saddam his passport with lightning speed. The president thanks the
clerk, then turns around to discover that all those in line behind him have
vanished without a trace. Saddam turns back to the clerk and asks what has
happened. "Simple", says the clerk, "if you leave Iraq, no else has to."
english.722dejanr,
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson
about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a
glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a
worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy
as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and
quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor
asked.
Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely,
responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
english.723dejanr,
"Why does NASA want to go to Mars? There's no water there, there's no
plant life, and there's no atmosphere. Why don't they just go to LA?"
english.724dejanr,
THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
1) Where's the bathroom?
2) What time does the parade start?
3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
english.725dejanr,
32 Reasons why Cookie Dough is better than men.
1. It's enjoyable hard or soft.
2. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.
3. It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it.
4. You always want to swallow.
5. It won't complain if you share it with friends.
6. It's "quick and convenient".
7. You can enjoy it more than once.
8. It comes already protectively wrapped.
9. You can make it as large as you want.
10. If you don't finish it you can save it for later.
11. It's easier to get the kind you want.
12. You can comparison shop.
13. It's easier to find in a grocery store.
14. You can put it away when you've had enough.
15. You know yours has never been eaten before.
16. It won't complain if you chew on it.
17. It comes chocolate flavored.
18. You always know when to get rid of it.
19. You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed.
20. It's always ready to go.
21. You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.
22. You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
23. It won't wake you up because it's hard.
24. You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.
25. You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like
you're bragging.
26. It won't take up room in your bed.
27. It's easy to pick up.
28. You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around.
29. You know what the extra weight is from.
30. It won't get jealous if you pick up another one.
31. It never has an insecurity problem with its size.
32. It is very pliable.
english.726dejanr,
Why don't men trust women?
Would _you_ trust anything that bled for three days and didn't die?
english.727ndragan,
-> #709, ndragan* THE MORE YOU DRINK, THE W.C.
dakle predajete se:
1. the more you drink, the more you piss
2. the more you drink, the double you see
english.728dejanr,
How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore...
english.729dejanr,
Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon, to school, as a present
for his teacher. He handed it to her. She started to guess what was inside.
"Chocolates?" she asked.
"Nope."
"A Cake?" Johnny shookk his head No. Then the teacher noticed some liquid
dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put
the finger in her mouth, then said, "Ah, I know-dill pickles."
"No," Johnny said, "it's a puppy."
english.730dejanr,
I just figured it out, Saddam wasn't wrong when he said he was
going to inflict unacceptable casualties on the Coalition:
...He's going to keep them there until they die of old age
english.731dejanr,
The Iraqi army was the fourth best army in the world. It came after
America, the USSR, and the LAPD.
english.732dejanr,
The U.S. Supreme Court appears to have upheld the practice of
administrators forbidding doctors from counseling abortion, forcing
the doctors to follow a "script". Following Supreme Court
precedent, we imagine the script might look something like
this:
" You have the right to remain pregnant.
Anything I say may be used against me in a court of law.
You have the right to be presented with offspring.
If you do not desire a baby and cannot afford one,
a baby will be mandated for you by the Court."
english.733dejanr,
Rumors of disharmony between IBM and Microsoft have been appearing in
business sections and trade journals for months. Despite evidence to
the contrary, however, IBM and Microsoft have been claiming that their
relationship is just fine.
Of course, Microsoft employees have been wondering about the real
story. At the Microsoft systems meeting last summer, during the
question-and-answer period, an employee asked senior vice president
Steve Ballmer about the news reports of a possible divorce between IBM
and Microsoft. Steve's answer:
"No, we are not having serious problems with IBM. Our relationship is
like two bears making love in the woods. We're going to move the
world together. If the press is hearing rumbling, it's only because
we're changing positions."
english.734dejanr,
Q: Why isn't Bush worried about Quayle as President?
A: Because he knows it won't happen in HIS lifetime.
english.735dejanr,
Smilie Dictionary
-----------------
:-) Your basic smilie. This smilie is used to inflect a sarcastic or
joking statement since we can't hear voice inflection over Unix.
;-) Winky smilie. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark.
More of a "don't hit me for what I just said" smilie.
:-( Frowning smilie. User did not like that last statement or is upset
or depressed about something.
:-I Indifferent smilie. Better than a Frowning smilie but not quite as
good as a happy smilie
:-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than a :-).
>:-> User just made a really devilish remark.
>;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made.
Those are the basic ones...Here are some somewhat less common ones:
(-: User is left handed
%-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours straight
:*) User is drunk
[:] User is a robot
8-) User is wearing sunglasses
B:-) Sunglasses on head
::-) User wears normal glasses
B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses
8:-) User is a little girl
:-)-8 User is a Big girl
:-{) User has a mustache
:-{} User wears lipstick
{:-) User wears a toupee
}:-( Toupee in an updraft
:-[ User is a Vampire
:-E Bucktoothed vampire
:-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing
:-7 User just made a wry statement
:-* User just ate something sour
:-)~ User drools
:-~) User has a cold
:'-( User is crying
:'-) User is so happy, s/he is crying
:-# User is screaming
:-# User wears braces
:^) User has a broken nose
:v) User has a broken nose, but it's the other way
:<) User is from an Ivy League School
:-& User is tongue tied.
=:-) User is a hosehead
- -:-) User is a punk rocker
- -:-( (real punk rockers don't smile)
:=) User has two noses
+-:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office
`:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning
,:-) Same thing...other side
!-I User is asleep
!-O User is yawning/snoring
:-Q User is a smoker
:-? User smokes a pipe
O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (or else, user is a scuba diver)
O :-) User is an angel (at heart, at least)
:-P Nyahhhh!
:-S User just made an incoherent statement
:-D User is laughing (at you!)
:-X User's lips are sealed
:-C User is reaally bummed
<!-) User is Chinese
<!-( User is Chinese and doesn't like these kind of jokes
:-/ User is skeptical
C=:-) User is a chef
#= User is pro-nuclear war
:-o Uh oh!
(8-o It's Mr. Bill!
*:o) And Bozo the Clown!
3:] Pet smilie
3:[ Mean Pet smilie
E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator
:-9 User is licking his/her lips %-6 User is braindead
[:-) User is wearing a walkman
(:I User is an egghead
<:-I User is a dunce
#:-) User is wearing a turban
:-0 No Yelling! (Quiet Lab)
:-: Mutant Smilie
.-) User only has one eye
,-) Ditto...but he's winking
X-( User just died
8 :-) User is a wizard
C=}>;*{)) Mega-Smilie... A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an
updraft, a mustache, and a double chin
Note: A lot of these can be typed without noses to make midget smilies.
english.736dejanr,
A man walks into a sex shop. He asks the woman at the counter, "Could I
please speak to one of the men working here?" She replies, "I'm sorry, but
I'm the only one here. But I've been working here for two years, and I've
seen and heard everything, so you don't have to worry about shocking me. Let
me help you."
So he asks to buy a plastic pussy, and she takes it down off the shelf and
starts wrapping it up for him. She says, "If you don't mind me asking, what
are you going to use it for?" He replies, "Well, uh, actually, um, I'm going
to take it home and screw the hell out of it."
"That's good," she replies, "because if you were going to eat it I'd have to
charge you GST."
english.737dejanr,
The King of Sweden, about 1 year ago, went into a computer store
wanting to buy his son a computer for xmas. He was going to pay for
it with a credit card, (I don't know what kind of credit card it was)
and the salesman asked him for some ID. His face being on almost
every 1 Kr. (1 crown) coin in Sweden (his father is on some of the old
ones), he took a coin out of his pocket and put it on the table saying
that that was his ID. It seems that that was not good enough and he
finally took out his real ID (I guess he was being smart). But then
when he was walking out of the store with the computer the
anti-shoplifter alarm went off.
english.738dejanr,
UNIX and OS/2 are like New York and Los Angeles respectively.
In New York and in UNIX they have a system for doing things, and it's
surprisingly efficient once you figure it out, but it looks unfriendly
to outsiders.
Los Angeles and OS/2 are nice and polished and look good on the surface,
but when you get there you find that nobody has been there very long
and nobody can tell you whether things really work right or not.
So, what is VMS? Chicago? An old pioneer with roots going everywhere, firmly
tied up and not about to move?
What is DOS? Washington? Having laws against tall buildings, surrounded by
a Beltway, unable to expand, civilized by day, and chaotic and riotous by
night, incapable of ruling itself, supported by lobbyists and special interests
to the detriment of the users?
english.739dejanr,
The newlywed couple arrives in their sumptous honeymoon
suite, and it turns out that they are both virgins. Brought up the
old traditional way, neither of them really knows how to have sex.
So after about half a painful hour of abortive attempts to get it on,
an idea occurs to the husband.
"Ok, honey", he says, "this is what we'll do. I'll go into
the closet, and you go into the bathroom. We'll both get undressed
and turn off the lights in the bedroom. And then, on the count
of three, we'll both rush out at each other and then it will just
happen in the middle of the bedroom."
The wife is a bit unsure about this, but since she doesn't have
any better ideas, she agrees. So, the husband goes into the closet
and the wife goes into the bathroom and they both get undressed. The
anticipation is driving the husband mad, and as he takes off his
clothes he begins to get an enormous erection. The wife turns off the
lights and on the count of three, they both rush out into the bedroom
towards each other. However, since the room is dark, the husband
gets disoriented and runs by his wife...right into the dresser. He hits
his willy against the dresser so *hard* that he passes out from the pain.
The next thing he remembers is coming to in a hospital bed, with a
doctor looking down at him. His throbbing dick is still so painful that
he moans to the doctor "Doc, doc, how bad is it?" to which the doctor
replied,
"That's nothing, son - wait till you see your wife!
We still haven't gotten her off the doorknob yet."
english.740dejanr,
We recently conducted a poll as to whether men prefer women with large thighs
or women with thin thighs. The results were pretty surprising.
10% of those men surveyed prefered women with large thighs.
10% of the men preferd women with thin thighs.
And the other 80% prefered what's in-between.
english.741dejanr,
It's now been revealed why Vice President Dan Quayle was so seemingly
unconcerned with the Presidents recent heart condition.
When asked, Mr. Quayle responded "Oh, I'm not worried. Alexander Haig is next
in line anyway."
english.742dejanr,
Did you know that the Smurfs are environmentally friendly?
Sure... Smurfette has a blue box!
english.743dejanr,
George Bush and Saddam Hussein decide to settle their differences in a
civilized manner by discussing the matter. So they meet on neutral
ground, midway between the swings and the sandbox, while all the
little kids respectfully gather round. Bush is clumsily carrying
several rolled-up carpets, and Saddam is holding some empty cans of
Budweiser.
Bush: You shouldn't have taken my toy.
Saddam: It was not your toy. It was my toy.
Bush: Since you won't give me back my toy, we are at war.
Saddam: I am not at war with you. I am at war with Israel.
Bush: You are not at war with Israel.
Saddam: Yes I am.
Bush: No you're not.
Saddam: Yes I am.
Bush: No you're not.
Saddam: I am the leader of this miserable little country, and if I say
I am at war with Israel, then I am at war with Israel.
Bush: Well, I am the leader of a very much bigger country with every
weapon known to man, and I say you're not at war with Israel but
you're at war with me.
Saddam: No I'm not.
Bush: Yes you are.
Saddam: No I'm not.
Bush: Look, if we were not at war, would I do this? [Throws several
carpets on Saddam.]
Saddam: But if I were not at war with Israel would I do this? [Throws
a can of Bud at Israel. Israel ducks and screams bloody murder.]
Bush: You're just trying to evade the issue.
Saddam: No I'm not. I was retaliating.
Bush: You can't retaliate like that.
Saddam: Yes I can.
Bush: No you can't.
Saddam: Yes I can.
Bush: No you can't.
Saddam: Yes I can.
Bush: Be quiet or I will hit you.
Saddam: If you hit me, I will use my secret weapon. Then you will be
very sorry.
[Bush hits Saddam, and Saddam falls down.]
Saddam: MOMMY!!
[Bush looks around nervously, but when no mother appears, he becomes
more confident.]
Bush: Aw, your mother wears combat boots.
Saddam: Yeah, well, so what? At least my mother didn't marry me.
Bush: Don't ever say such terrible things, Mr. SOD-OM Hussein.
Saddam: Stop mispronouncing my name. You always mispronounce my name.
Bush: SOD-OM, SOD-OM, SOD-OM.
Saddam: Well, at least I can. Perhaps there's a reason why you're
called BUSH.
Bush: Now stop saying that. I don't have a bush.
Saddam: Yes you do.
Bush: No I don't.
Saddam: Yes you do.
Bush: No I don't.
Saddam: Yes you do.
[Bush pulls his pants down and wiggles his waggle at Saddam.]
Bush: See, I don't.
[Faced with this open act of aggression, Saddam drops his pants too.
For a long time Bush and Saddam wiggle their waggles at each other,
and all the little kids who watch are greatly impressed.]
english.744dejanr,
This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid
to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ. Finally one night, he
gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they
are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis. "No
thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
english.745dejanr,
As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for
Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him
in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got
tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest
night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple
of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking
the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.
Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.
"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
husband: "Guess who?"
wife: "I know who it is!"
husband: "Guess what I want?"
wife: "I know what you want!"
husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"
english.746dejanr,
This one popped up after I was very tired and not thinking clearly.
Thief at a fast food restaurant:
"Give me a burger, large fries, and all your money!"
Service-Industry-Droid:
"Will that be for here or to go?"
english.747dejanr,
Horace Feebilmeind, the oldest man in the state, decides to visit a prostitute
on his 105th birthday.
He calls an 'agency' which promises to send over the most beautiful woman they
have. He strips in anticipation, and the doorbell rings. He opens the door to
find a tall, svelte, stacked red-head standing there. She takes one look,
snorts, and says, "I'll tell ya, old man! You've had it!"
He thinks for a moment and then says, "Okay. How much do I owe you?"
english.748dejanr,
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my
husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get? asked the
clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to
shoot him!" -Cindy
english.749dejanr,
The person I heard this from ("Al" in the story) swears that it really
happened. (And no, I'm not this "Mark" - you should be able to figure out why
I chose those names. :)
Two guys (we'll call them "Mark" and "Al") are out cruising. Mark is driving,
and they're on some out-of-the way roads. Mark is distracted and doesn't see
a stop-sign, and a few moments after he runs it they hear a siren and see blue
lights. Mark has never been stopped by the police before, and gets really
nervous.
MARK: OhshitwhatdidIdo? I wasn't speeding, was I? No, I wasn't
speeding.
What'd I do what'd I do?
He pulls over, shaking like a leaf. The cop pulls in behind and walks up to
his window.
COP: You realize you ran a stop sign back there?
MARK: [panicky] No, honest! I didn't see it! I didn't *mean* to run it
! I
just didn't see it! Really!
COP: I'll need to see your drivers' license.
Mark pats his pants for a few seconds before remembering that he's wearing
shorts with no pockets. He looks around the car, finds his wallet, opens it
up, and starts frantically throwing things out of it into the back seat.
No license. He enlists Al's help, and together they search the glove
compartment, under the seats, behind the cushions, front and back, to no avail.
After ten or fifteen minutes of searching, Al looks up and catches the
officer's eye.
AL: You don't need to see his identification.
COP: [without missing a beat] I don't need to see his identification.
AL: These aren't the droids you're looking for.
COP: These aren't the droids we're looking for.
AL: He may go on about his business.
COP: You may go on about your business.
AL: Move along.
COP: Move along.
At this point the cop turns around, walks back to his car, gets in, and drives
away.
Mark pulls out and makes it about 200 yards down the road. Then he stops
and just shakes for a few minutes, finally asking Al to drive.
english.750dejanr,
President Bush is finally switching from his manual typewriter to a
personal computer, and taking lessons on how to use it. But he hasn't
set his sights too high. "I don't expect this to teach me how to set
the clock on the VCR or anything complicated," says the President.
english.751dejanr,
A Soviet visitor to Budapest says to his Hungarian host, "You must have such
terrible shortages." The astonished Hungarian asks why he thinks so. The
Soviet visitor replies, "Because you have no queues!"
english.752dejanr,
[ Picture: Dan Quayle cowering under a table;
George Bush leaning over and speaking to him. ]
Bush: "No, Dan, we're not bombing Republicans that were in the Guard...
we're bombing the _Iraqi_ Republican Guard."
english.753dejanr,
Everyone knows the story of the little girl who answered the phone and
when she heard the caller was offering to clean the carpets she answered,
"Mother says she is not in if you are cleaning carpets." In the same
vein we have the true exchange below. [original, true: happened in a
friend's family]
CALLER: Hello
LITTLE GIRL: Hello
CALLER (hearing it is a little girl): Could I talk to your mother?
LITTLE GIRL: Just a moment.
(Goes and calls her mother).
MOTHER: Hello
CALLER: Hello, how are you? I am calling from the Music Conservatory.
Would you be interested in music lessons for your kids?
MOTHER: I don't have any kids. <click>
english.754dejanr,
During the publicity prior to the 1979 solar eclipse, a woman called
a radio talk show in my locality and asked this question: "If we can't
watch it, why are they even having it?"
english.755dejanr,
I just saw on the local news that they finally constructed the Babbage
Machine over in England, a "computer" that was designed nearly 100 years ago.
So you can imagine everyone's shock when, as the crank was turned for the
first time, the little paper tape printer used for recording results punched
out:
MS-DOS Version 5.0
A:\>
english.756dejanr,
A person went to church every week, but feel asleep during the
sermen (sp?) and the women said.. "next time you fall asleep i'm going
to stick this pen up your ass" and he did fall asleep, the father
Began a story and said "Does anyone know what so and so said then?"
and the women had just stcuk the pen up the guys ass as he stood up
and say "Halaluha! " (sp?) and then the father said Correct my son..
the next week as the father asked another question, the guy was jabbed
with the pen and Stood up to say "AMEN!" and the father said "Right again
my son.."
the next week the father began to talk about adam and eve, he said
what did eve say to adam after their 10th child? and the guy
was jabbed with the pen again and he stood up to yell very loudly
"Shove that thing up my ass one more time and i'll rap it around your
face!" and the father said, no I'm sorry, anyone else?
english.757dejanr,
Becuase the husband had just gotten home from a six-month tour of duty,
the husband and wife were furiously making love when, all of a sudden,
the wind slammed a door shut somewhere else in the house.
The husband says, "Oh no! That must be your husband coming home."
And the wife replies, "No. He's off in the Navy for six months."
english.758dejanr,
From Lloyd Smith, MD, during his address at the graduation ceremony for
the University of Texas Medical Branch at Galveston, May 25:
"Then there was the man who was so imbued with science that he sent
two of his children to Sunday school and kept the other two home as
controls."
english.759dejanr,
AT&T phone operators know everything - they really do. This really
happened to me in Salt Lake City, Utah. This being my first trip to
the States, I was a bit unfamiliar with the workings of the phone system....
So, I see a payphone, put in a quarter and dial the number, let's say :
44-41-552-8467 - overseas phone call to the UK. I get the AT&T operator...
"You're calling overseas ?"
"Yes...that's right" (OK, so they have digital exchanges here, too)
"You know you have to put some money in ?" (How did she know it was a
payphone?)
So I put in another two quarters - heck, I don't know how much it costs...
"Oh !", she says, "You're from Scotland !"
"Erm - yes...but how did you know ?"
"Well, you put in 75c and you need about 5 dollars for that call."
Made my day - I had a smile on my face all the way to San Francisco.
english.760dejanr,
A little girl is about to go to sleep, and she says her prayers:
"God bless mummy, and daddy, and my brother, and may my dog rest in peace"
The next day, her dog falls down, stone dead.
About a week later, she is again about to go to bed, and she prays:
"God bless mummy, and daddy, and may my big brother rest in peace"
During school the following day, her brother drops dead.
A while after that, she is about to go to bed, when she prays:
"God bless mummy, and may daddy rest in peace"
The next morning, her mother opens the door, and finds the milkman dead on the
doorway.
english.761dejanr,
Mr Cody was a well-known rector of a protestand church. One day
he had been playing golf and after having a shower he was resting
in the club room, dressed in a bathrobe. A stranger comes in, looks
at him and tries in vain to remember who this guy is. Finally, he
asks:
-Where in Hell have I seen you before?
Cody:
-I don't know. Which part of Hell are you from?
english.762dejanr,
As seen on the sheet accompanying a new MasterCard(TM):
VALUE YOUR CARD!
Your card should be protected in the
same manner as you would handle cash.
Make sure it is returned to you afer
each transaction.
english.763dejanr,
A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a
beer and says "All the guys on this side of the bars are cocksuckers! Anyone
got a problem with that?" Everyone is understandable silent.
He then chugs back another beer and says "All the guys on the other side of the
bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is silent,
again. Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the man.
"You got a problem, buddy?"
"No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."
english.764dejanr,
A friend of mine, while waiting for his airplane, saw a pilot walk
by carrying his bag. On a sticker on the bag, in large letters,
was the word "CAUTION." Leaning closer, my friend read, "To make
the little houses get smaller, pull back on the stick."
english.765dejanr,
A man came home from work early one day, and found his wife naked and
panting on the bed. "Honey", she said, thinking quickly, "I think I'm
having a heart attack!" While rushing to call the doctor, he nearly
stumbled over his crying four year old, who told him there was a naked
man in the closet. He ran to the closet, opened the door, and there was
his best friend. "Damn it, Dave" he shouted, "Jill's having a heart
attack and here you are scaring the hell out of the kids!"
english.766dejanr,
Q: What's the difference between a quantum mechanic and an auto mechanic?
A: A quantum mechanic can get his car into the garage without opening the
door.
english.767dejanr,
Note that the '%' prompt indicates that the command should be issued from
the C shell, and the '$' prompt indicates the Bourne shell.
------------------------------------------------------
% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
% ar m God
ar: God does not exist
% "How would you rate Reagan's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
% \(-
(-: Command not found.
% sh
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
$ drink <bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found
$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create
english.768dejanr,
Why wouldn't an enhanced deterrent, a more stable peace, a better
prospect to denying the ones who enter conflict in the first place
to have a reduction of offensive systems and an introduction to
defensive capability. I believe that is the route this country
will eventually go.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Mars is essentially in the same orbit... somewhat the same distance from the
Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals,
we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If
oxygen, that means we can breathe.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is IN
the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that
is right here.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle,
Hawaii, September 1989
What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind. Or not to have a mind
at all. How true that is.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while
speaking to the United Negro College Fund
You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy
campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you
will always be.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the American Samoans,
whose capital Quayle pronounces "Pogo Pogo"
Quayle stumbled in response to a question about his opinion of the
Holocaust. He said it was "an obscene period in our nation's history."
Then, trying to clarify his remark, Quayle said he meant "this century's
history" and added a confusing comment. "We all lived in this century,
I didn't live in this century," he said.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination
of human rights.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
El Salvador is a democracy so it's not surprising that there are many voices
to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans... I have heard a
single voice.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican
Forum, March 1990
It's rural America. It's where I came from. We always refer to ourselves
as real America. Rural America, real America, real, real, America.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Target prices? How that works? I know quite a bit about farm policy.
I come from Indiana, which is a farm state. Deficiency payments -
which are the key - that is what gets money into the farmer's hands.
We got loan, uh, rates, we got target, uh, prices, uh, I have worked
very closely with my senior colleague, (Indiana Sen.) Richard Lugar,
making sure that the farmers of Indiana are taken care of.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle on being asked to
define the term "target prices."
Quayle's press secretary then cut short the press
conference, after two minutes and 30 seconds.
I not going to focus on what I have done in the past
what I stand for, what I articulate to the American people.
The American people will judge me on what I am saying and what I
have done in the last 12 years in the Congress.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed
without them in 'Red Storm Rising'.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
The US has a vital interest in that area of the country.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle Referring to Latin America.
Japan is an important ally of ours. Japan and the United States of
the Western industrialized capacity, 60 percent of the GNP,
two countries. That's a statement in and of itself.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Who would have predicted... that Dubcek, who brought the tanks in in
Czechoslovakia in 1968 is now being proclaimed a hero in Czechoslovakia.
Unbelievable.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Actually, Dubcek was the leader of the Prague Spring.
May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.
-- The Quayle's 1989 Christmas card.
[Not a beacon of literacy, though.]
Well, it looks as if the top part fell on the bottom part.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to
the collapsed section of the 880 freeway after
the San Francisco earthquake of 1989.
[this may be a joke; the source is unclear.
but it's still funny]
getting [cruise missiles] more accurate so that we can have precise precision.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to his legislative
work dealing with cruise missles
I can identify with steelworkers. I can identify with workers that
have had a difficult time.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle addressing workers at
an Ohio steel plant,1988
[I will never have] another Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy,
Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy Carter grain embargo.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle during the Bentson debate
Certainly, I know what to do, and when I am Vice President -- and
I will be -- there will be contingency plans under different sets of
situations and I tell you what, I'm not going to go out and hold a news
conference about it. I'm going to put it in a safe and keep it there! Does
that answer your question?
-- Vice President Dan Quayle when asked what he
would do if he assumed the Presidency,1988
Lookit, I've done it their way this far and now it's my turn. I'm
my own handler. Any questions? Ask me ... There's not going to be any more
handler stories because I'm the handler ... I'm Doctor Spin.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle responding to press reports
his aides having to, in effect, "potty train" him.
I would guess that there's adequate low-income housing in this
country.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
The real question for 1988 is whether we're going to go forward to
tomorrow or past to the -- to the back!
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
We will invest in our people, quality education, job opportunity,
family, neighborhood, and yes, a thing we call America.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
We'll let the sunshine in and shine on us, because today we're
happy and tomorrow we'll be even happier.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
We're going to have the best-educated American people in the
world.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
This election is about who's going to be the next President of the
United States!
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
Don't forget about the importance of the family. It begins with
the family. We're not going to redefine the family. Everybody knows the
definition of the family. [Meaningful pause] A child. [Meaningful pause] A
mother. [Meaningful pause] A father. There are other arrangements of the
family, but that is a family and family values.
I've been very blessed with wonderful parents and a wonderful
family, and I am proud of my family. Anybody turns to their family. I have
a very good family. I'm very fortunate to have a very good family. I
believe very strongly in the family. It's one of the things we have in
our platform, is to talk about it.
I suppose three important things certainly come to my mind that we
want to say thank you. The first would be our family. Your family, my
family -- which is composed of an immediate family of a wife and three
children, a larger family with grandparents and aunts and uncles. We all
have our family, whichever that may be ... The very beginnings of
civilization, the very beginnings of this country, goes back to the family.
And time and time again, I'm often reminded, especially in this
Presidential campaign, of the importance of a family, and what a family
means to this country. And so when you pay thanks I suppose the first thing
that would come to mind would be to thank the Lord for the family.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Newsflash X/X 1992 Newsflash
St. Louis, MO --(UPI)-- Vice President Dan Quayle today visited St.
Lous, MO, which bears a heavy population descended from German
immigrants. In order to show support for the newly-unified country of
Germany, fatherland of many in the audience, he repeated John F.
Kennedy's words of support 30 years earlier, but this time in English,
"I am a Jelly Doughnut!" Political commentators agreed that something
was lost in the translation. Dan Quayle explained his remark by saying
that he had been told that those who lived in central America enjoyed
jelly doughnuts.
english.769dejanr,
Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he
had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as the plate was
being passed he said "Brothers and Sisters, I don't like to have to do this,
but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another
parishioner's wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the
collection, I will reveal his name. Later, as he counted the money he found 2O
five dollar bills, and a two dollar bill with a note that read "Forever hold
your peace, I'll have that other three dollars before sundown."
english.770dejanr,
"And here's one for you. Acer is working on a hand-held computer similar to
the HP 95LX. What name did the marketing group in Taiwan come up with for
the new machine?"
. . .
"They wanted to call it the 'Hand-job.'"
english.771dejanr,
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks
him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite
serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppos- itories
inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor
warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way
up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him
to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly
or something.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second
suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to
obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her
what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him
and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams
in disgust. "What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did
that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
english.772dejanr,
Last year, in anticipation of abortions possibly becoming illegal in Michigan,
Ann Arbor voters passed an amendment to the city charter making the maximum
allowed penalty for getting an illegal abortion a $5 fine. (as a side note, the
same election increased the fine for possessing small quantities of marijuana
from $5 to $25 for a first offense and $100 for a second).
However, the really strange thing about this policy is that its enforcement
would be assigned to the Parking Department.
So I guess this is a way of penalizing excessive parking after 6 p.m..
But what I have to wonder is what they'll do to women who don't pay their
abortion tickets. Since 6 unpaid traffic tickets results in getting your
car booted, will 6 unpaid abortion tickets result in having a chastity belt
put on you?
english.773dejanr,
I used to feel sorry for myself because I wasn't getting any sex.
Then I met a man who had no hands.
english.774dejanr,
Why don't the English build computers?
They can't figure out how to make them leak oil!
english.775dejanr,
As is well recorded in the fortune cookie database on BSD UNIX, we have:
Ginsberg's theorems:
1. You can't win
2. You can't break even
3. You can't quit the game
Freeman's commentary on Ginsberg's theorems:
Every major philosophy attempts to make life meaningful by contradicting
one of Ginsberg's theorems. To wit:
1. Capitalism: You _CAN_ win.
2. Communism: You _CAN_ break even.
3. Hari Krishna: You _CAN_ quit the game.
Goodenough's addendum to Freeman's commentary:
Capitalism's and Hari Krishna's days are numbered, because as has recently
been decided in the Soviet Union Freeman's commentary on Ginsberg's second
theorem is in fact FALSE!
english.776dejanr,
A casting director was auditioning people for a movie he was working on. For
a particularly pivotal male role, however, he was having no success. Everyone
just seemed wrong. Finally, in exasperation, he tells a guy walking by the
set to try out. The man does, and the director is delighted!
He tells the man, "Terriffic! You're perfect for the part! What's your name?"
The man says, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The director chuckles and says, "Really? Well we can't put that up on a
movie screen. Can you come up with a stage name?"
The man thinks a moment and says, "How about Dick van Dyke."
english.777dejanr,
My wife Cindy suggested at lunch today that if the Democrats could figure
a way to get Gorby out of the Kremlin that they would _finally_ have a
candidate that could stand up to Bush in the next election. She thought
that Gorby's language barrier could be overcome without much trouble...at
least he would be easier to understand than Quayle!
english.778dejanr,
"I never did like Mondays..."
-- Mikhail Gorbachev, on being ousted
from the Soviet Presidency
english.779dejanr,
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received
in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of payment,
he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he
received a letter from the police department that contained another
picture -- of handcuffs.
english.780dejanr,
Cyndi walked into the mahogony office, the person in charge of wheeling
visitors in on a hand cart being on break, and shook hands with
Mr. Winternesse. "Good afternoon, Ms. Cannon," he said. "I'm
glad you were able to come in and discuss our Executive Slave
program. Your background is exactly what we look for in a
candidate."
"Thank you," she said. "I've heard very good things about the
program from others who've been through it. All very successful
people, I might add, and they swear that they owe it all to the
Executive Slave program."
"Yes. There's not another corporate program -- and I'm including
the coop programs at even the top universities -- that provides
the scope of ours. You'll get a solid grounding in all aspects
of the business, along with earning an M.B.A., plus an
unparalleled opportunity to develop the invaluable skill of
executive ass-kissing."
"I understand the program is very exclusive. What are my chances
of getting in?"
"Oh, excellent. In fact, we may have a superb opportunity for
you. Our CEO, Mr. Windmill, will be needing a new executive
slave within the next month. His current slave is graduating
from the program and" -- his permanent smile dimmed a trifle --
"taking a position as CFO with a rival firm. In any case, the
CEO is heterosexual, and very partial to long dark hair and large
breasts."
"I wondered about that. Don't you have problems about sexual
discrimination in this program?"
"Not really. If we meet our EOE goals for executive positions,
the numbers for the Executive Slave program work themselves out
quite nicely. Although we do have a great deal of difficulty
recruiting from certain minority groups."
"I can imagine. So you think I have a good chance at being Mr.
Windmill's Executive Slave?"
"I should think so, although of course Mr. Windmill will make the
final decision. Based on your background, it's virtually certain
that you'll be accepted into the program if you want it. Mr.
Windmill will choose from the available candidates, as will the
other executives whose slaves are leaving. How much do you know
about the requirements for the position?"
"I've heard a good deal, but I'd like to hear it from you."
"You know, of course, that this is an unpaid position?"
"Yes. So I won't be a wage slave, at least."
"No. Even so, we have five times as many candidates as we can
accept."
"I'm very flattered that you're considering me, then."
"That's a very good attitude, but it isn't necessary to butter me
up. Save it for Mr. Windmill. One of the things you'll learn in
the program is how to know which ass to kiss. Now, as I say,
there is no salary attached to the position, but your tuition
to graduate business school will be paid by the company, and
you'll be expected to receive your M.B.A. in two years, six
months before the end of the program. Failure to complete
your studies on time will result in punishment."
"I've heard."
"You'll notice that I don't reprimand you for interrupting. An
Executive Slave may interrupt to ask a question or challenge a
business decision at any time. But never, ever question or
disobey a direct order."
"I understand."
"You will be given time to attend classes, but the rest of your
time will be spent with Mr. Windmill (I'm assuming here that he
accepts you.) Between homework and attending to Mr. Windmill
business and personal needs, you are likely to have very, very
little time to yourself."
"I understand."
"Do you? You will eat with him, sleep with him, shower with him,
make love to him, go to meetings with him, take notes for him.
If he takes a leak, you'll hold his penis for him."
"Do I wipe his behind for him, too?"
"No. There are some things a man must do for himself, although
one or two of our executives may need help finding the spot. You
will, however, check to make sure there's enough toilet paper.
If he plays golf, you'll caddy for him. You'll act as his
sounding board, stroke his ego, and help relieve his stress. Are
you aware of what that may entail?"
"I've heard things."
"The CFO of our firm has a bullwhip hanging on the wall of her
office. She uses it on her ES -- that's Executive Slave -- about
once a week."
"That was one of the things I'd heard."
"Mr. Windmill prefers to administer spankings on the bare
buttocks with a wooden spoon. You understand that you need not
deserve a spanking in order to receive one? If the V.P. of
Marketing deserves a good spanking -- and I can think of no one
who would benefit more from one -- then you will get it, not he.
One does not spank the executives of the corporation, however
much they may deserve it."
"I understand. I think I can handle it."
"Excellent. We like to see highly motivated individuals in our
organization. Now, as I was saying, you will spend virtually
every hour of your time in the program with Mr. Windmill, except
for what you spend in class. When he doesn't need you, you'll be
chained to a desk outside his office, literally, with your books
and a word processor."
"I understand. Are there any other requirements?"
"Well, under certain circumstances you may be required to meet
with and entertain customers or creditors of the firm."
"You mean to have sex with them?"
"Certainly not. We don't do business that way. Your job would
merely be to stall an irate customer, creditor or IRS auditor
long enough for Mr. Windmill to get out of the office -- or out
of town, if need be."
"I see."
"One more thing, and this is specific to the job as Mr.
Windmill's ES. Mr. Windmill meets with the board of directors
every quarter. You would be expected to attend along with him,
of course, and to dress as provocatively as possible. You would
take notes and make coffee and so on, but your primary reason for
being there would be to distract the board members from -- why,
Ms. Cannon, where on earth are you going?"
"Look, I don't know what kind of bimbo you think you're dealing
with here, but I don't make coffee for *anybody*."
Slam. The end.
DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed above are no one's. It's
only a story, and should not be confused with a Harvard Business
School Case Study. The company in question resembles nowhere
I've ever worked, although most companies have one or two V.P.s
who ought to be spanked.
CLAIMER: Copyright 1991, Patrick D. Scannell
english.781dejanr,
The evolution of mathematics education during the last 30 years.
----------------------------------------------------------------
1960's
------
A peasant sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his
selling price. What is his profit?
1970's
------
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his
selling price, i.e. $8. What is his profit?
1970's (New Math)
-----------------
A farmer exchanges a set P of potatoes with a set M of money. The cardinality
of the set M is equal to $10 and each element of M is worth $1. Draw 10 big
dots representing the elements of M.
The set C of production costs is comprised of 2 big dots less than the set M.
Represent C as a subset of M and give the answer to the question: What is the
cardinality of the set of profits? (Draw everything in red).
1980's
------
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His production costs are $8 and his
profit is $2. Underline the word "potatoes" and discuss with your classmates.
1990's
------
A kapitalist pigg undjustlee akires $2 on a sak of patatos. Analiz this tekst
and sertch for erors in speling, contens, grandmar and ponctuassion, and
than ekspress your vioos regardeng this metid of geting ritch.
Author unknown
english.782dejanr,
WASHINGTON - President Bush today finally recognized the three
Baltic states of Latvia, Lithuania, and Estonia. Sources within
the White House indicate that the President also got California,
Texas, Florida and New York, but is having a little difficulty
telling Vermont and New Hampshire apart.
Vice President J. Danforth Quayle, however, continues to remain
stuck at Hawaii and Alaska.
english.783dejanr,
During Operation Desert Storm, Gen. Schwartzkopf was walking about in the
Kuwaiti desert, and stumbled across something in the sand. Uncovering it, he
found an old lamp. He took the lamp back to his tent and proceded to polish it
up, and (of course) out pops a Genie. The Genie thanked Schwartzkopf for
releasing him from imprisonment, and told him that he would grant him any wish
that he desired. The General thought a moment and then unrolled a map of the
Middle East onto his table. He explained to the Genie about the wars that had
been ravaging the entire area, and his one wish was for peace throughout the
region. The Genie responded that he and his ancestors had been working on that
problem for several thousand years, had had no success, and now consider it
hopeless. He asked the General if there was another wish he could grant
instead. Schwartzkopf thought for a moment and finally said that he wished
that the Chicago Cubs could finally win a World Series. The Genie pondered a
moment and then said, "Why don't we take another look at that map?"
english.784dejanr,
If Jeffrey Dalmer, the admitted killer and cannibal, is sentenced to
death it could create a very awkward position for the prison.
After all, condemned prisoners are traditionally given the last meal of
their choice.
english.785dejanr,
From Carla Felicia, a comic I saw this weekend at Zanies here
in Chicago (with some adaptation).
"For me, penises are a hobby, like fishing:
The small ones you throw back.
The good-sized ones you take home for dinner, and
The big ones you mount."
english.786dejanr,
Pres. Bush, (NY)Gov. Cuomo, and (NJ)Gov. Florio are flying on
a plane together. When they passed over New York, Cuomo wrote his
name on two one dollar bills and threw them from the plane. Florio
very curious about this action asked him why he had done it. Cuomo
responded that he had just won two votes.
Florio, not wishing to be outdone, wrote his name on two one hundred
dollar bills and threw them from the plane once they reached New Jersey.
This caught the attention of President Bush, who inquired about this
action. Florio explained about just winning two votes.
A few minutes later, Pres. Bush shoved both Cuomo and Florio from
the plane. The pilot was shocked and asked the President why in the
world he just killed two Governors. The President responded,
"Simple, I just won two states"
english.787dejanr,
Here's an original submission for rec.humor.funny, based on my
perceptions of so-called "power users". I haven't used the phrase
"_Real_ Power Users" in the text, because, in my opinion, the only
Real Power Users are Real Programmers (tm) :-) Enjoy.
-Richard
THE POWER USER'S GUIDE TO POWER USERS
Power Users never read their software manuals; instead they get
petty cash from their secretaries and use it to buy books which
contain the phrase "Power User" on the cover. They then keep the
receipt, to claim against tax.
Software manufacturers write their manuals badly, and in computerese,
in order to con Power Users into buying the manual ("XYZ for the
Power User!") a second time. This extra revenue compensates the
manufacturers somewhat for all the people who pirate their software
and then buy Power User Guides to replace the manuals they never
had...
Power Users never read their "Power User's Guide to ..." books,
for the same reason they didn't read the software manuals in the
first place. They do however skim the first two chapters, in which
they make copious annotations (e.g. underlining phrases like "to get
a directory listing, type 'DIR C: <enter>'. Note do not type the
word '<enter>', or the quotes.")
Power Users get their companies to buy them 130MHz 80586 PS/4s with
100MB RAM and 5-gigabyte optical drives, which they bring home:
- to run Lotus 1-2-3G spreadsheets, producing PostScript graphs
of their mortgage repayments;
- to DTP stern memos forbidding their Real Programmers from using
unregistered shareware and PD utilities at work. For this task,
they get their computer upgraded with a 4096x4096, 12 billion colour
hyper-VGA video display, and the memo employs a minimum of seven
different fonts, plus bolding and italics, with at least five
revisions to correct spelling errors, and to order the Cc: list
in the most politically acceptable manner), and
- to play pirate copies of Tetris and PC-Golf which they haven't
realised are infected with a virus.
Power Users scold their children for referring to their machines as
personal computers. "It's NOT a PC, Jimmy, it's my Professional
Workstation, No Intergalactic Space Zombies for you tonight! Now, go
to your room!"
Power Users get an identically equipped PC at work, so they can do
the work they would do at home, if only ten-year-old Jimmy would stop
playing Intergalactic Space Zombies for five consecutive minutes. The
money for this PC comes out of the Real Programmers' software tools
budget for the next three years.
Having worked out their mortagage repayments for the next 100 years,
and having failed consistently to beat ten-year old Jimmy at
Intergalactic Space Zombies, Power Users never touch their computers
again; at work, they keep themselves occupied in meetings, so nobody
will see them staring blankly at their PC screen. Meanwhile, the Real
Programmers who work for them struggle by with aging IBM PCs (the
originals ones, with a grudgingly-added Tallgrass disk drives -
yuck!)
Rather than read their "Real Users Guide to..." books, Power Users
turn to their ten-year-old kids for technical advice ("yes, Jimmy,
I understand that, but how do I get the directory on the _D_ drive?")
Power Users get frustrated when they press the 'Print Screen' key and
nothing happens: they thump it a dozen times before realising they've
left the printer off-line.
Power Users sneak their children in outside office hours to work out
why their spreadsheet figures don't add up and the Chairman's end-of-
quarter report is due tomorrow.
In a strange twist of human psychology, the ten-year-old children of
Power Users think that when they grow up, they'll become Real
Programmers and make shit loads of money writing a game better than
Intergalactic Space Zombies. (Sadly, they end up chugging out
accounting software for Power Users.)
Power Users could master any PC application, if only they could figure
out how to start it ("Uhhhm, it must be on this menu somewhere..".)
Power Users attend innumerable Power User courses, where they get a
set of loose-leaf binders of notes they never read (but whose titles
in genuine imitation gold leaf look impressive beside the "Power
User's Guide to..." books which now accumulate a thick layer of dust
on the shelf). They also drink a lot, and commiserate with each other
how their Real Programmer subordinates are a bunch of overpaid,
long-haired layabouts who can't be coerced into wearing shirts and
ties, never mind a suit; and of course to swap Power Techniques like
how to format a 360k disk in a 1.2MB drive and thus get more than 360k
of data onto it ("I'll have my secretary call IBM Technical Support
about all the bad sector things I'm getting on this disk.")
Power Users carry a pocket calculator for working out the cell values
in their Lotus spreadsheets ("Um, I guess I didn't get to the section
on formulas yet in my 'Power Users Guide to Lotus 1-2-3'".)
Power Users think "Your computer is stoned" is part of the DOS copyright
banner.
The ten-year-old children Power Users mischievously stick pieces of
cheese into every crevice of their parent's mouse, not realising that
this causes testicular problems later in life (for the MOUSE, twit!).
Power Users don't think that last joke was funny.
Power Users get their secretaries to call IBM Technical Support to fix
their defective mouse, because they're too embarassed to asked any of
their Real Programmer subordinates how to open it to remove the cheese.
When nobody is looking, Power Users pretend their mouse is a toy car,
and race it around the desk.
Power Users keep a large box of tissues on their desk to wipe the
saliva off the screen after playing Test Drive (BRRRRRM! BRRRRRM!)
Power Users can't figure out how to make their modems stop auto-answering,
so they alway lunge on their phone when it rings in an effort to beat it.
They're never fast enough, and spend the first 30 seconds of the
conversation apologising, while the modem auto-ranges, and they
earnestly promise that they'll have their secretary call IBM Technical
Support to have the problem rectified.
Power Users panic when they lose those dumb keyboard templates that
come with programs like Turd Perfect (which are too brain-dead to have
a decent user interface). They invariably mix up the templates when
switching between programs.
Power Users have problems with Windows, when they have two or more
applications running, but room for only one keyboard template.
Power Users buy those dumb mice that have a nearly full ASCII keyboard
built-in to them ("Swiss Army Mouse (tm)").
Power Users believe computer salesmen.
Power Users will buy ANY program that makes wild promises on the box
about increasing productivity. These boxes always look impressive on
the bookshelf, beside the "Power User" books and course notes.
Power Users use MicroJerk ProjectMeister to schedule their wife's
pregnancy, and get confused when they can't work out how to assign
tasks and set milestones. They try to persuade the obstetrician to
induce labour when she's late.
Power Users unreservedly believe their MicroJerk ProjectMeister when
it says the project will be complete at 5pm on the last Friday in
September next year, but eighteen months later, they won't believe the
Real Programmer who says it'll be done "Real Soon Now (tm)".
Power Users believe the ads for 4GLs and Application Generator
packages, and think that in two weeks they'll be able to fire all
their Real Programmers. (Ha ha ha... remember "The Last One"?)
english.788dnikolic,
-> #731, dejanrSta je to LAPD?
dn
english.789dejanr,
-> #788, dnikolicLAPD? Los Angeles Police Department ili kako se to već piše.
english.790ndragan,
-> #756, dejanr* sermen (sp?) -- sermon
* and say "Halaluha! " (sp?) -- halleluiah (not sure this 1)
english.791radunovic,
-> #790, ndragan
#* and say "Halaluha! " (sp?) -- halleluiah (not sure this 1)
It is hallelujah(izvor Hothouse Flowers- "People").And what abou this 1
- Seoladh Na Ngamhna - (Irish)
english.792isekulovic,
Q: What is different between squirrel and psychiatrist?
A: There is no differnet, they are both surrounded with nuts.
english.793ndragan,
-> #791, radunovic* - Seoladh Na Ngamhna - (Irish)
irish? you mean gaelic? ili to beše onaj što se govori u velsu... kanda sam
pobrko jezike. nema veze, ionako ih ne znam.
english.794dejanr,
In personal mail, a friend of mine writes:
> The average length of a man's penis is 6 inches and the average depth of a
> woman's vagina is 9 inches. That means that there are approximately 25 miles
> of unused vagina in New York City alone.
That's one marathon I'd LOVE to run!
english.795dejanr,
This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man
sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe
what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The
man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is
about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few
minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes
the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and
says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your
penis from your pants to wipe it off ! What the hell kind of degenarate
are you?" The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I
have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasam."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
english.796dejanr,
I called up the local auto club this morning to ask for a map of Colorado.
The receptionist who answered the phone asked me to spell my last name, and
then my first name.
Me: "D-A-V-I-D."
Her: "Was the first letter 'D' as in David or 'B' as in boy?"
With a mind like that, she could be designing rocket boosters for Morton-
Thiokol
english.797dejanr,
If a train-station is where a train stops what happens at a workstation?
english.798dejanr,
Dick Thornburgh has resigned his position as Attorney General, the
nation's highest cop, to run for the U.S. Senate in November.
Looks like another case of "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em."
english.799dejanr,
Senator Kennedy to Prof Anita Hill:
Prof Hill, I have only two questions for you:
1) Are you free Saturday Night?
2) Can you swim?
english.800dejanr,
I recently finished up teaching Comp 4, the computer literacy course here at
UNC, during a compressed summer session. Comp 4 is an introductory class that
assumes NO knowledge of computers among its students, and believe me when I say
that this was often the case. The class was great fun to teach, and one of the
facets that made it interesting (day-in and day-out) was the wealth of new
knowledge that the students imparted to me on tests and examinations. I
thought that I'd share some of these nuggets with you. My comments are in
the standard C delimiters (/* and */). *Your* comments are encouraged. Here
goes:
Bacchus invented FORTRAN. /* I knew FORTRAN was old, and that it may
have been designed under the influence of alcohol, but... */
There are three kinds of program statements: sequence, repetition, and
seduction.
There are two types of graphics: vector and rascal. /* Otay... */
Programming languages have specifictions. /* Obviously this student
has dealt with a few standards. */
Macs are compatible with each other. /* Imagine the alternative:
"What's your Mac's serial number? We'll go back to the ware-
house and get your software." */
Doctors use computers to create a three demential picture of a person's
brain. /* Is this classic, or what? */
One kind of a hostile computer program is a Trojan.
C is a logical programming language. /* <rim shot> */
Heuristics (from the French heure, "hour") limit the amount of time
spent executing something. [When using heuristics] it
shouldn't take longer than an hour to do something. /* An
absolutely terrific "false cognate". */
Having the computer automatically fill in images for animation is
called "spleening". /* Derivation: most likely "splines" +
"tweening". */
One method of computer security is a phone line. /* She qualified it
later by adding, "You have to know the number." */
Video games are examples of fault-tolerant systems.
On one test, I gave the students some abbreviations and asked them to tell me
what they stood for. You won't believe the creativity of a student in a test
situation. For example, one of the abbreviations was "fax", which *really*
stands for "facsimile". However, various Comp 4'ers said it stood for:
Fiber-optic Aided Xeroxing
Frequency Automatic X-rays
/* and my favorite... */
Fast A** Xeroxing
The students also had to hand in term papers, and these were rife with interes-
ting tidbits. I've clipped a few, quoted verbatim:
"The worst thing the Mac has to offer, is that cooperative multitasking
is not available to be used."
"... footnotes present an interesting problem, which may be solvable by
Hypercad." /* I assume the last term is the newest rage -- a
free-form database for designers. */
"...Linda, a blind girl, was able to attend public school due to the
aid of a speaking computer that taught her the basic
fundmamentals [sic] of grammar and spelling." /* Linda may
want to lend her computer out... */
"The program is manufactured by Quantel, a Silicon Valley company
located in Clearwater, Florida." /* A *long* valley, as my
roommate put it. */
"At the beginning of each season [Edwin] Moses teats himself on
computerized weight machines..." /* Ouch! */
Hope you enjoyed all these. If you've had similar experiences, I'd love to
hear about them!
Cheers,
Kev @ UNC
english.801dejanr,
Q. You're in a room with George Bush, Micheal Gorbachev and Boris Yeltzin, and
you have a gun with two bullets in it. What do you do?
A. You shoot Dan Quayle twice!
english.802dejanr,
Here is a digest of the lesser jokes on judge Thomas. Please note that
some may find some of these jokes in bad taste.
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Thomas Hearings
From: apucorle%idbsu.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca
There was some fear that the re-opened Thomas hearings would have to be
postponed. It seems that Professor Hill's explicit sexual testimony was
getting Senator Kennedy overly excited. The Senator has begun mentally
recalling the previous night's baseball playoff game to ebb his feelings.
- From Rush Limbaugh, Radio Talk Show host.
= = = = = = = =
Subject: New Evidence in Thomas Hearings
From: parvin1@husc.harvard.edu
This is original, although fairly obvious.
The recent Senate confirmation hearings have brought out a fact that civil
liberties groups have long asserted. . .
Clarence Thomas is a hanging judge.
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Clarence Thomas, Senate, semi-original
From: mailm@atex.kodak.com
(Adapted from a conversation with a friend:)
Is lack of a sense of humor a requirement for being a Senator? I was watching
the Senate Judiciary Committee's hearings on Anita Hill's allegations of sexual
harassment by Clarence Thomas. As she described how he boasted about his penis
being larger than normal, I waited in vain for the committee members to ask, in
unison,
"Why, how large was it?"
Some people just can't pick up their cues.
--
Paul Mailman
Billerica, MA
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Judge Thomas and his office equipment
From: lingling@wam.umd.edu (Lisa Wolfisch Nyman)
During the examination of Judge Thomas' former secretary, one of the
questioning senators asked Did he use a dictaphone?
On the closed captioning appearing on my screen, the typist
inadvertantly wrote something a bit different.
Did he use a dick to phone? was the interpretation.
= = = = = = = =
Subject: sexual harassment
From: crouse@eng.umd.edu (Gil Crouse)
Jack Diamond a self described "radio personality" on MIX 107.3
radio station in Washington, DC in talking about sex harassment
in the work place urged women to stand up for themselves because
guys will be crude sometimes. Then he said:
Guys are like dogs, you have to whack them on the nose
with a newspaper sometimes and say, 'You don't pee in
here, go outside.'
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Sexual Harassment! Reduced Rates!
From: rob@ll.mit.edu (Rob Steele)
Sexual Harassment!
Low budget rates--20% off for new clients!
No job too large or small.
Simple rudeness $3
Coarse jest $4
Lewd remark $5
Truthful lewd remark $20
Appearance evaluation $50
Offensive touching $120/min.*
Pornographic arts review $100
Harassment defense $250/day plus expenses
Abject, groveling confession (Call for pricing)
Attend sensitivity training $3000/day plus expenses
*Subject to cooties department approval.
--------------------------------------------------
disclaimer:
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Clarence Thomas joke
From: jeffl@sybase.UUCP (Jeff Lichtman)
You can blame me for this one, since I made it up myself:
Q: What is Clarence Thomas's favorite drink?
A: Coke with a twist.
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Lawyers and judges
From: geoff%pmafire@uunet.uu.net (Geoff Allen)
While pondering the Clarence Thomas sexual harrassment accusations this
morning, a thought struck me:
Obviously, someone is lying, and lying big-time.
We don't know who it is that is lying, but the implications
are...
If Clarence Thomas is lying, he is definitely unfit for the
United States Supreme Court.
But if Anita Hill is lying, is she simply demonstrating her
skills as a lawyer?
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Sexual Harrassment
From: PDCHAPIN@amherst.edu
Original - but obvious.
Q: Has Anita Hill ever been the victim of harrassment?
A: She has now.
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Was it really sexual harassment?
From: billh@vab02.larc.nasa.gov (Bill Henderson)
Overheard at Clarence Thomas' office on April 17, 1980
Thomas: "You know Anita, I think that I have the largest staff of any
of the guys in my graduating class."
Overheard at Clarence Thomas' office on April 25, 1980
Thomas: "Anita, I'd like to keep you on my staff for a really
long time."
Harassement?
= = = = = = = =
Subject: The Truth is still hidden
From: jneff@eniac.seas.upenn.edu
Original, as far as I know.
So, we've heard day after day of testimony, heard from both sides of the
issue, took a vote, and still the truth is elusive.
Just how should one pronounce "harassment"?