english.301dejanr,
The devil had just captured 3 guys. He said he would take their souls
unless he was asked something he could not do. So here's the responses
of teh guys.
1: Go to the nearest star and back in one second.
The devil does so, bringing back a rock from the star just to prove he'd
been there.
2: Lift up mount Everest with your nose.
The devil does so. Number 2 also loses his soul.
3: You say you can do anything?
Anything.
3: OK, get lost.
english.302dejanr,
An Iraqi diplomat arrives at JFK in New York.
He is outraged when custom officials search him.
"New York is the Asshole of the world!" he screams.
"Yessir," says the customs official. "Are you just passing through?"
english.303dejanr,
A couple of years ago, this memo was circulated around our offices.
I haven't seen it here before.
------------------------------------
M E M O R A N D U M
-------------------
To: All Employees
From: Special High Intensity Training
In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest
quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees
well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training
(S.H.I.T). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other
company in town.
If you feel you do not receive your fair share of S.H.I.T.
on the job, please see your supervisor. You will immediately be
placed on top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.
All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see
that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.
If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you
may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our
Basic Understanding Lecture List, Special High Intensity Training
(B.U.L.L. - S.H.I.T) program
If you have any further questions, please address them to our
Head Of Training - Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T - S.H.I.T)
program.
Thank you,
Boss In General
Special High Intensity Training
(B.I.G. - S.H.I.T)
P.S. With the personality some of you display around here, you
could easily become the Director of Intensity Programming -
Special High Intensity Training (D.I.P. - S.H.I.T).
english.304dejanr,
I heard this one from my brother, who's a wafer fab engineer.
It takes 3 persons to start a business in the computer industry:
businessman, lawyer, and engineer.
And when the company breaks up:
the businessman gets all the money,
the lawyer gets all the patents,
and the engineer gets to find another job.
english.305dejanr,
A recent survey into the readership of newspapers came up with the
following results.
THE TIMES is read by people who run the country.
THE MIRROR is read by the people who think they run the country.
THE GUARDIAN is read by the people who think they ought to run the
country.
THE DAILY MAIL is read by the wives of the people who run the country.
THE FINANCIAL TIMES is read by the people who own the country.
THE DAILY EXPRESS is read by the people who think that the country
should be run as it used to be.
THE DAILY TELEGRAPH is read by the people who believe it still is.
THE SUN is read by the people who don't care who runs the country as
long as she's got big tits.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Irish doctor who thought that ping pong balls
were a Chinese venereal disease.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three men were boasting about the size of their members, and decided
to see whose was the biggest by dangling them from the window of their
flat. The first proudly annouced that his hung down as far as the floor
below. The second claimed that his went even further. But the third
couldn't keep still. As he dangled his penis, he kept jumping from
side to side.
"What are you doing?" asked one of the others.
"Avoiding the traffic," he replied.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Methodist minister and a Rabbi met one day, and each invited the other
to his place of worship. After the visits had taken place, the Rabbi
commented on the enthusiasm of the minister, and asked what he thought
of the Jewish service.
"It was very interesting," replied the minister. "But there was one
thing I didn't understand. Why did the congregation boo and hiss every
time Moses was mentioned?".
"Isn't it obvious?" said the Rabbi. "as you know from the Bible, after
walking in the wilderness, Moses decided to turn left, and where he
stopped became the state of Israel."
"So?"
"If he'd turned right," continued the Rabbi vehmently, "we would have
had the oil and the Arabs would have had the oranges."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ayoung man and his girlfriend had gone out for a ride in the car, and
stopped by a remote field. They got out, and sat down, then started
cuddling. Suddenly the young man broke off from a deep passionate
kiss.
"Jane?" he said, "do you believe in the here after?"
"I've never really given it much thought, Why?" replied Jane.
"'Cos if your're not here after what I'm here after, You'll be here
after I've gone".
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A rather overweight young man was passing a shop window when he spotted
an advertisement. 'Lose weight easily and pleasently,' it said, 'First
Lesson $25, second lesson $35 and third lesson $45.' Deciding that it
was time that he slimmed down a bit, he rang up and enrolled for the
first lesson. When he arrived for the course, he paid the $25, and was
led into a large room, empty except for a beautiful naked brunette.
Around her neck she wore a notice which said simply, 'If you can catch
me, you can have me.' The young man approached her, and she started
running. He ran after her. The cahse went on for five minutes until he
finally caught up, pulled her onto the floor and they made love
vigorously and passionately.
When the young man got home, he found that to his pleasure that all the
exercise had made him lose 5lbs. And he'd enjoyed himself, so he booked
in for the second $35 lesson the next night.
He arrived, and again was led into a room, this time larger. And there i
the corner was a beautiful seductive blonde, naked except for a sign
saying 'If you catch me, you can have me.' He approached her, but she
ran off with some speed. She was clearly quite an athelete. The over-
weight young man chased her, and after nearly half an hour caught her
and pulled her onto the floor. She was nearly as energetic in her
lovemaking, and the young man went home satisfied with $35 well spent
and 12lbs lighter.
He could hardly wait for the $45 lesson. And he was trembling with
anticipation as he handed over the money. He was led into another room.
It was empty save for one naked man. He was 6 foot tall and muscular
and around his neck was a sign that read 'If I catch you, I have you.'
english.306dejanr,
Salesmen from all over the country got together for their annual
conference at the Imperial Hotel. At the company's party to celebrate
a record year of sales, one particularly cocky salesman was approached
by a stern looking man.
"Excuse me," he said. "But aren't you Barry Briggs?"
"That's me squire," replied the over confident young man. "Barry Briggs
is the name, selling's the game."
"I don't doubt it," continued the stranger. "Tell me, were you in
Birmingham two months ago?"
Briggs got out a little red diary, and started laefing through the
pages.
"Two months ago? Yes me old china, as a matter of fact I was."
"And did you stay at the Midland Hotel?" demanded the mysterious
stranger.
"Now let me see," said the ebullint salesman, flicking through the
pages. "Yes, it's all down here, the Midland Hotel."
"And did you have room 2315?"
"Hang on," he scanned the pages. "Yes I did."
"Next to a Mrs. Jones?"
"Mrs Jones?" He turned a page. "Yes, she was in room 2314."
"And you slept with her on the saturday night?"
"Just a second..." the salesman perused his book once again. "Yes
your're right. I did give her a bit of the old in-out."
The inquisitor looked even more severe.
"Mr. Briggs, I am her husband and I don't like it."
The salesman consulted his diary again.
"Mrs. Jones, Midland Hotel, room 2314... No neither did I."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Where do you get virgin wool from ?
Feminist sheep.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
What are the five biggest lies ?
1) The cheque's in the post.
2) Hello, I'm from the council, and I'm here to help you.
3) Some of my best friends are gay.
4) Big is beautiful.
5) I won't come in your mouth.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The writing on the wall... More chauvinist graffiti
Seen in a gentlemen only club..
'A wife is an attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
One fine summers day, George set off for his summer holiday. He had been
saving hard all year for the trip, and was driving along thinking of the
fun he would have, when he was stopped by a police patrol car. The polic
man walked around to his door, and said to George.
"I'm sorry to stop you sir, but I thought I'd point out that your
off-side brake light is faulty."
Georges reaction was dramatic.
"Oh God! No, it can't be!" he shreiked, then burst into uncontrollable
tears.
"It's nothing to worry about,sir," said the policeman. "I was only just
mentioning it."
But George was on the floor thumping the tarmac.
"Sir, it's only a bulb, you can get one at the next garage," continued
the policeman.
"It's not that," sobbed George. "Where's my caravan?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old Jewish tailor was woken at 3am by the phone ringing. He picked it
up, and heard an exultant voice on the other end of the line.
"Hey, Manny, this is Mr. Johnson here," it said. "I'm just ringing to
tell you that I'm currently in bed with your daughter, the one that
helps in your shop, and I've just screwed her for half an hour."
The little tailor smiled.
"So?" he replied. "that is her buisness. She is 28-years-old now, and
can look after herslf. So why phone me?"
"I just wanted to congratulate you," replied Mr. Johnson. "It's the
first time I've had something from your shop that fits."
english.307dejanr,
George came into the office one morning full of the joys of spring, and
was amazed when his seceratary immeadiately suggested that he sit down.
"Oh you do look ill," she said. "You'd better take the week off.'
Surprised but none the less impressed by his secertarys obviously
genuine concern, he went home.
On the way he met Jim, an old friend.
"God, what's up with you?" he asked
"I don't know. I feel fine," replied George.
"If I was you I'd get straight to the doctor," Jim said looking worried.
"But I feel perfectly alright," he protested.
Jim's response was along intake of breath. Even George's neighbour
commented as he walked past.
"You look awful," she said tactlessly, and George eventually bowed
under the weight of public opinion, and decided to go to the doctors.
"Doctor, look," he said, "I feel fine but everyone says I look terrible.
What's up?"
"I don't know,' he replied. "You certainly look rough. Now let me see."
So saying he reached up, and took a large medical tome from the shelf,
then started leafing through the pages. "Looks good, feels good, that's
not it. Looks good, feels bad, no. Ah, I've found it. Feels good, looks
terrible."
"And?" asked George anxiously.
"You're a cunt."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
After her operation, the famous lady soap opera star was propped up in
bed in her private room, as the doctor did his rounds.
"Tell me, how are you feeling now?" he asked.
"A lot better, thank you," purred the star in reply. "But one thing
does bother me. When will I be able to resume a normal sex life?"
"Oh, that's rather hard to say," said the doctor. "I've never been
asked that after a tonsilectomy before."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Hello my dear,' smiled the vicar of the Yorkshire parish at the little
girl. 'That's a nice cat. What do you call him?'
'Cooking fat,' replied the girl.
'That's an odd name. Who thought of it?'
'My father,' she replied innocently. 'He calls it that every time he
trips over it.'
english.308dejanr,
Little Audrey was staying with her uncle and auntie. One night she crept
into their bedroom, and caught a glimpse of her uncles penis.
"What's that?" Audrey asked innocently.
"Um, it's the aerial of my new radio," replied her uncle quickly.
"Oh really, what make is it?" she enquired.
The old man thought fast.
"It's a Sony, why?"
"That's funny", replied Audrey with a wry grin. "I could have sworn I
heard you say it was Ferranti"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two girls, friends since their schooldays agreed to meet in the local
tea shop. Mary arrived first, and sat down, waiting for Jill. When Mary
saw her, she was shocked. She looked tired and seemed to be limping.
She sat down beside her very gingerly.
"You look awful," said Mary, "whatever's the matter?"
"I'm a bit sore," said Jill wincing.
"Never mind," replied Mary. "You'll be better after some tea".
"Actually, I'd rather have a cold drink," said Jill. "My mouths a bit
sore as well."
"What on earth's wrong with you?" asked Mary with some concern. "Have
you got a virus or something?"
"No, it's my new boyfriend," replied Jill. "He fucks like lightning."
"How do you mean?"
"He never strikes in the same place twice."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young actor went to a theatrical doctor complaining of a rash on his
genitals.
"Should I strip off?" asked the patient.
"Only if the part warrants it," replied the doctor.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A tourist from Hong Kong was having some trouble in a London bank. He ha
just cashed a travellers' cheque, and had been given 138 Pounds sterling
"But two weeks ago," he protested to the counter clerk, "I cashed a chequ
for the same amount and got 150 Pounds.Why's that?"
"Fluctuations," replied the clerk.
"Fluck you Eulopeans too, I want my 150 Pounds."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bad news from the Olympic Games for Sexual Atheletes. The American
team didn't come anywhere.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you heard about the the old man who streaked at a flower show. He
won first prize for his dried arrangement.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's hard, straight and dry going in, and soft wet and sticky
coming out ?
Chewing Gum.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Dad what's that?" asked the inquisitive boy pointing at his father's
parts.
"It's my hedgehog," replied the embarrassed father.
"Really," said the boy. "It's got a big cock hasn't it?"
english.309dejanr,
Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of
conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the
fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he
is most likely to be creamed?
-- Solomon Short
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's
character, give him power.
-- Abraham Lincoln
No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
Of all forces acting on man, change is the most beneficial and the most cruel
Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
be irresponsible, too.
-- Lichty & Wagner
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill them.
Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough
to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
english.310dejanr,
An old woman was sitting in a park in Moscow reading a "Teach
Yourself Hebrew" book. A policeman notices her and decides to
start to give her a hard time.
"What are you reading that for?" he shouts at her.
She replies, "I am old, and I will die soon. I want to be
prepared; so I am studying the language of heaven."
The cop says, "Well, how do know that it's heaven that you are going
to?"
The old women answers, "Well, honestly I don't, but that's okay. I
already speak Russian."
----------------------------------------------------
>From London Times via Car and Driver:
Comrade Gorbachev is being driven from his dacha to Moscow and
is in a hurry. He is getting irritated with the slowness of his
driver. "Can't you go any faster?" he says angrily. "I have to
obey the speed limits," says the driver. Finally Gorbachev
orders the driver into the back and takes the wheel. Sure
enough a patrol car soon pulls them over. The senior officer
orders the junior to go write up the ticket. But the junior
officer comes back and says he can't give them a ticket, the
person in the car is too important. "Well, who is it?", the
senior officer asks. "I didn't recognize him," says the junior
officer, "but Comrade Gorbachev is his chauffeur."
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: The one which didn't get away
(The following appeared recently in the Globe & Mail.)
Forget about Dog Bites Man. Relegate Man Bites Dog to the back pages.
Today we are dealing with Fish swallows dog, an item which reaches us by
way of Moscow.
The dog was swimming across the Pechora River to join its master
when it vanished, leaving only a ripple. The dog's master, who was fishing
at the time, hauled in his net and found it contained a giant pike. He
looked closely at its mouth and said to himself (probably) "Thereby hangs a
tail."
Yes, it was Fido (or the Russian equivalent). The dog struggled out
after the fish was cut open, and, according to Radio Moscow, hurled itself
at the pike, "barking excitedly."
It is often difficult for fishermen to tell stories about the one that
got away. In this case, Radio Moscow notwithstanding, will it be any easier
to tell about the one that didn't?
----------------------------------------------------
The December 1987 issue of Space World magazine had a letter describing the
38th meeting of the Congress of the International Astronautical Federation
(IAF) held in Brighton, England the week of October 11, 1987. There were
1,500 attendees and about 600 papers were presented. Here is an excerpt.
"At least one Soviet speaker at the IAF was looking far beyond tomorrow.
L. M. Shkadov, from the USSR Academy of Sciences, presented a paper in which
he proposed to use a solar sail to move the entire Solar System around the
galaxy.
His calculations showed that the Solar System could be moved a distance of
30 parsecs (about 98 light years) in one revolution of the Galaxy (about
200 million years) using a reflector some 400,000-800,000 miles in diameter
positioned so that the Sun's gravitational pull on the reflector would be
just balanced by the force of the solar radiation on the reflector.
The idea is to eventually move the Earth into the planetary system of a
relatively young, solar-type star before our Sun begins the trauma of
stellar senescence."
----------------------------------------------------
A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the
doctor tells the man he has bad news. "You only have six months
to live." The man sits for a while thinking, and then says,
"There's only one thing I can do, I'm going to become a
communist." The doctor says, "You've been a patriotic American
all your life, why are you going to become a communist now?"
The man says, "Better one of them should die than one of us."
english.311dejanr,
Does anyone know why they have locks on the doors at 7-11 if they're
open 24 hours?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between the Boy Scouts and [name your org]?.......
The Boy Scouts have adult leadership!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Three men were in the hospital waitng room while their respective wives
to deliver. Finally a nurse comes out asking for Mr. J.
"Congratulations, you're the proud father of twins!" "Isn't that
facinating, I come from Twin Forks."
and he runs off to see his family. The nurse returns for Mr S.
"Congratulations, you're the proud father of triplets!" "Isn't that
facinating, I come from the Triple Cities." and he hurries off.
Immediately the third father stands up and starts to leave. The
nurse stops him and inquires about where he's going. "HOME", he
says, "to the Thousand Islands!!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"Nowadays, when opportunity knocks, you have to unlock both deadbolts,
remove the chain, and turn off the burglar alarm..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a pair of people who doubt the very existance of God?
A: A Diagnostic.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Explain the distinction between the words "stationery" and "stationary:"
If I want to buy some writing paper and envelopes, I would go to a stationary
store, because the moving ones are too hard to find.
There are many types of engineers. For example, automotive engineers design
cars, while stationery engineers design printing presses and embossing
machines.
This is called a "spelling lessen" because it lessens your ability to spell
correctly.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The enlightenment generated by a seminary is measured in luminaries.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Message sent out: If anyone is walking (or even sitting) around with a blue
Pilot pen with a transparent barrel which doesn't belong to them; I think it
is probably mine. I've lost three. They seem to have walked away from my
office.
The reply: Reboot your office. They might come back.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Werner von Braun said, "Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know
what I'm doing."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Bad luck is having your operation by the winner of the local grammar
school's doctor-for-a-day contest
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Status:
Most everything is functioning normally (except the users of course!).
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Practicing medicine in the Bronx has its complications, but the
following is something even we don't have to put up with:
DHAKA (Bangladesh): At least 50 patients ran screaming
from their beds after five cobras reared their heads in a
packed ward on the third floor of Dacca Medical College
Hospital, officials said yesterday.
Hospital employees killed the poisonous snakes after
Tuesday's fright, but snake charmers were summoned today
in case more serpents were lurking in the hospital.
Craig Werner (MD/PhD '91)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Daffy-nitions
Fascinate: Ma had nine buttons on her nightgown, but she could only
fascinate.
Pasteurize: The water's only up to my neck, but it's pasteurize.
Gruesome: My dad stopped shaving and gruesome whiskers.
Defeat of deduct go over defense before detail.
Analyze, anatomy: My analyze over the ocean.
My analyze over the sea.
My analyze over the ocean.
Oh, bring back my anatomy.
english.312dejanr,
OXYGEN
------
Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in
concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to these oxygen
concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very much those of
cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.) In higher concentration e.g. about 20%,
the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it takes about 2.5 billion
inhalations before death takes place. The reason for the delay is the
difference in mechanism of the toxic effect of of oxygen in 20% concentration.
It apparently contributes to a complex process called aging, of which very
little is known, except that it is always fatal.
However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is the fact
that it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any considerable
decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with symptoms resembling
those of cyanide poisoning.
Concentrations higher than 20% decrease the above mentioned delay. High
oxygen concentration provokes in prematurely born babies placed in incubators
a condition known as retrolental fibroplasia resulting in blindness. Lung
irritation has been reported on experimental animals exposed for several days
to high oxygen concentrations.
Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All the fires that were reported in the
continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be due to
the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings in
question.
Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
tasteless, so that its presence cannot be readily detected until it is too
late.
english.313dejanr,
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always
late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't
do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told
him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the
alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to
work.
"Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked !"
" That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday ? "
----------------------------------------------------
Know why they don't let government workers look out the window in the
morning?
So they'll have something to do in the afternoon!
----------------------------------------------------
It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
been searching for evidence which could support this.
-- Bertrand Russell
----------------------------------------------------
It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which
raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.
-- Franklin P. Jones
----------------------------------------------------
It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
two things still safe to eat.
-- Robert Fuoss
----------------------------------------------------
I've found thats it's not good to talk about your troubles. Eighty
percent of the people who hear them don't care and the other twenty
percent are glad your having trouble.
--- Tommy LaSorda
----------------------------------------------------
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
-- Groucho Marx
----------------------------------------------------
I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
-- Emile Henry Gauvreay
----------------------------------------------------
Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
-- Harry Emerson Fosdick
----------------------------------------------------
Life is too important to take seriously.
-- Corky Siegel
----------------------------------------------------
Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these
interest rates, we don't need it."
english.314dejanr,
Once there was a girl named French Fry. She lived next door to a guy named
Tater Tot. Now Tater Tot was a real stud(spud?) - he drove a Mercedes,
had loads of money, was real good looking - everything French Fry's parents
wanted in a son-in-law. But every time they brought this up, French Fry
would say, "I don't want to marry Tater Tot. I want to marry Howard
Cosell!".
And her parents would always reply, "you can't marry Howard Cosell. He's
only a commontater."
----------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the midget who was
running away from the Prague Police?
He ran up to a house, knocked on the door
and asked the woman who opened the door
if she would cache a small Czech
----------------------------------------------------
One day a three-legged dog moseyed (?) into Dodge City, Kansas.
He was your typical western dog, he had a bandana around his neck
and a snarl on his lips.
Anyway, Matt Dillon met the dog in the middle of Main Street amidst
all his fans and said, "Three-Legged dog, this heres a peaceful
community, we don't want no trouble."
To which the three-legged dog replied, "Matt, I'm not looking for
no trouble neither, I'm just lookin' for the man that shot my pa(w)!"
----------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a short psycic who escapes from prison?
A: A small medium at large.
----------------------------------------------------
There was a crowd of bees flying around one day. These bees were
most peculiar, in that they were powered by gasoline, rather than
the allergenic goodies that bees usually eat. As the crowd flew
along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would
fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a
car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd.
One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas
station. As he passed the second station, he coughing badly, but
still he flew on. Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove
down to a station and gassed up.
When he rejoined the crowd, his neighbor challenged him: "Look, you
passed right by an open station when you started to get low. You
passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally,
you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station.
Are you crazy?"
He replied, "Well, it's like this. The first station was a Gulf
station. I really don't like Gulf at all. The second station was a
Texaco station. That's even worse. But the third station was an
Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. You
know what they say don't you..
There's an Esso Bee in every crowd!"
english.315dejanr,
While looking for a Real Job (read: technical writing), I've been paying
the bills doing medical transcription work. I came across a book today
called "The Empty Laugh Book" by the American Association for Medical
Transcription, containing some of the funniest dictated and transcribed quotes
from the world of medicine that I've ever encountered. Some of the best
follow:
(c) 1981 AAMT
---------------------------------------------------------------------
d: Hesselbach's triangle
t: House of Ox triangle
d: Foot is cold with a purplish hue
t: Foot is cold with a purple shoe
d: Patient is a primip.
t: Patient is a prime rib.
d: Patient was followed up by the Neurology Service.
t: Patient was fouled up by the Neurology Service.
d: Varicose veins
t: Very close veins
d: Patient underwent a tubal ligation.
t: Patient underwent a two-ball ligation.
d: Dr. Blank concurred with the diagnosis.
t: Dr. Blank conquered the diagnosis.
d: If I may be of any help to you in the future along the way, please feel
free to make an appointment for further evaluation in the meantime.
d: When this man straightens his head and puts it under his chin, he
gets some relief.
d: The patient was placed under the microscope.
d: Extremities: The patient wears a toupee and there is a right inguinal
hernia.
d: Patient has pain after intercourse in his chest.
d: Mother died at age 91, has good health and is active mentally.
d: Surgeries: Appendectomy, T&A, and bilateral breast bi-zippies.
d: [On an operative report, the surgical assistants]: In the left corner we
have Billy, in the center puttering around with her little paws is Molly,
and dancing around to my right is Daisy, and this is yours truly.
d: Get this: 100 mg., enough for a small hippo!
d: This is a letter to O.B. Tate. Dear O.B. No, Dear Ms. Tate -- I don't
know, maybe it's a man. Dear person Tate. I don't know what you say. Dear
person Tate. No, you can't say that. Dear Ms. Tate. Oh, make something up.
d: The patient was taken to delivery where she gave birth to a male-female
infant. Oops! There isn't any such thing, is there?
d: His tongue was slightly hairy. Yes, that's what I said, hairy.
d: The patient had a deformity of the chest, the name of which I can never
remember at the proper time.
d [On phone to the x-ray technician]: I'm sending over a hand. Maybe an
arm will come later. Maybe a body will come with it.
d: This is the phantom of the phone.
d: The patient is here with a rash which I sent over to Dr. Blank.
d: The patient went to the bathroom shortly after the sigmoidoscopy and
produced a prolapse, which she brought back to the office.
d: He was discharged to home with the Visiting Nurses following him.
d: Despite treatment, the patient improved.
d: She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions
in early December.
d: Smokes two packs per day and consumes one quart of alcohol per day for
past 10 years. Admitted with diagnosis of shortness of breath and increasing
abdominal girth, etiology unknown.
d: Family history: Mother, age 87, is a diabetic. Father lives with an ulcer.
d: We do not feel this patient has any significant physical disease at the
present time, and for this reason we have advised her to return to you.
d: The patient said she was too sick to be in the hospital and would return
when she felt better.
d: Patient became pregnant with an IUD.
d: Because of the age of the patient, speed was increased for fear of the
patient going bad on the table.
d: Both marital problems are teenagers.
d: Patient took 6 Zactrin tablets given him by his dentist with a bizarre
suicide note.
d: On exam, he has cigarettes in his front pocket.
d: He breaks out with cats.
d: Patient slipped on the porch when she went out to feed the birds
and broke her ankle. The birds were not injured.
d: Patient had a spontaneous vaginal hysterectomy.
d: The barium enema on the phone was within normal limits.
d: Contusion of the leg secondary to nausea and vomiting.
d: It is my feeling at this time still that Mr. Blank is still in need of
surgical correction in order to provide a more definitive direction and
solution to the problem that is at hand.
d: The patient, be he dead or alive, needs a doctor's order to be released.
d: Here a pain, there a pain, everywhere a pain, pain.
d: Past History: Four children and an appendectomy.
d: The only complaint of this 74 year old woman is that the wind keeps
blowing her off her motorcycle and she suffers aches and pains because
of this.
d: This child will probably be shorter than he wants to be, but he should
have picked different parents.
d: I gave the x-rays to the patient to carry with him so he could show and
tell.
d: Preoperative diagnosis: Had enough kids. Desires tubal ligation.
d: The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
d: Patient was in an auto accident in 1965 and sustained a whiplash injury
for which she received heat and exercise and $3,000 compensation.
d: Physical examination revealed a garrulous, obese woman who was short of
breath on motion but not on talking.
d: Patient is a 28 year old white male who was playing his first league
game of the season when he was sliding into home plate. The patient was
safe, but his ankle was out.
d: He was a very pleasant person to talk with until he discovered that I
am a psychiatrist. At that point, he became markedly hostile and belligerent,
threatening to do great bodily harm to me if I did not leave the room
immediately. The interview, therefore, was terminated very rapidly and a
complete mental status is indeed not possible.
d: I don't think I have ever run into anything quite like this patient;
however, I think with a great deal of courage, keeping our eyes upward,
moving onward and upward, maybe we shall push through to the ultimate
victory as England did in those dark days of Dunkirk. I now find that she
is tired and she is nervous and she is not awake enough and she is not
asleep enough. She is not right enough, left enough, up enough, and she
is not down enough. I have decided that this whole thing can be cured by
that magic pill which I will get from the pharmacy. This little bottle of
pills will probably go into her purse along with seven other bottles
of pills of which she takes only about one half. She can't handle the ,,,,,,
so I told her to take [a vitamin preparation]. This has a little booze
in it and may help her. She will return in one month.
d: He has never been married except once for three days when he was on an
acid trip.
d: History and Physical: Mrs. Blank is a 64 year old black widow.
d: The patient was evaluated by an orthopedist, but impression of his con-
sultation is unknown, as I cannot read his writing.
d: She was taken to surgery on the 9th, as per operative report. She made
a good postoperative recovery and was seen in the clinic the morning following
surgery. Following that, she was lost in confusion, and repeated attempts
to locate her through the hospital information center failed to locate the
patient until the morning of the 15th when she phoned me stating that she
was still in the hospital in room 5309 ... Her unusual length of stay in the
hospital was not intentional and it was due to misunderstanding and confusion
and inability to locate the patient until Tuesday ... The patient's hospital
course was uneventful and she was discharged.
d: She states that her husband took downers and she took uppers so the
relationship did not work out.
english.316dejanr,
Jethro was the most bashful boy in the neighbourhood, so his
mother was astonished when he told her he was going a-courting.
He spent an hour getting ready and left with a strange look in
his eye, but he was back within half an hour.
"Well," his mother ased, "how did it go?"
"Fine." said Jethro.
"Did you see her?"
"I certainly did." he chuckled. "And if I hadn't ducked down
behind the hedge, she'd have seen me too."
english.317dejanr,
These are two recent Letterman Top Ten's that I thought were amusing. Sorry
if the rush of events renders them obsolete before anyone sees them.
Top Ten Things Overheard at the Baker Aziz Meeting
(Late Night With David Letterman - 1/08/91)
10. It's Garfield. He's very popular in our county. He'll
stick to your windshield.
9. What the hell is Buddy Ryan doing here.
8. So if we get out by Friday, we get the subscription to
Sports Illustrated -- and the football phone?
7. Is somebody frying baloney?
6. Is Saddam as funny in real life as he seems on TV?
5. I'm sorry, Mr. Aziz, I cannot explain Norm Crosby.
4. Yahtzee!
3. Are those Bugle Boy Jeans?
2. Cut the crap, camel boy, or the 101st Airborne drops down
your chimney and feeds you your own socks!
1. Mr. Gotti says get out of Kuwait now.
Top Ten Things Saddam Hussein has to do Before January 15
(Late Night With David Letterman - 1/10/91)
10. Call Jacoby & Mayers about will.
9. Get the best damn ear plugs money can buy.
8. Try the McRibs (they're for a limited time only).
7. Week of appearances on "The Match Game".
6. Take some time to stop and smell the camels.
5. Get the Bat Signal to work.
4. RSVP "no" to wedding invitation from Stacy Ellis & Michael
Tierney of Duluth, Minnesota.
3. Take the New York City cab drivers test.
2. Shower.
1. Fill out post office change of address card for hell.
--------------------
First THE BIG APPLE - NEW YORK!
NOW
BAGHDAD - THE BIG MUSHROOM!!!!!!!
english.318dejanr,
It has been reported that now that Marion Barry is out of office
as DC mayor, he is considering a position at UDC as a professor
of criminal justice.
So my friend John, who had a knee operation a couple years ago,
figures that he might be able to get a job teaching orthopedic surgery.
english.319dejanr,
A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing about which was the
oldest profession.
"Eve was created from Adam's rib, and that was a surgical procedure, so
medicine is the oldest profession," said the doctor.
"But before that God created order from chaos, so engineering came
first..." argued the engineer.
"Yah, but who do you think created all of the chaos in the first place?"
interjected the lawyer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A girl went to the gynecologist. All during the exam the gynecologist
was dying to know why the girl had a big "Y" on her chest. Finally he said,
"I can't help but wonder why you have this big "Y" on you chest.
"Well, my boyfriend goes to Yale and last night we were screwing and
he had on his school sweatshirt..."
The next day a girl came in for an exam who had a big "H" on her chest.
"Why do you have a big "H" on your chest?" the gynecologist asked her.
"Well, my boyfriend goes to Harvard and last night we were screwing and
he had on his school sweatshirt..."
The next day a girl came in for an exam with a big "M" on her chest. "Oh
your boyfriend must go to the University of Michigan," remarked the doctor.
"No, my girlfriend goes to the University of Wisconsin."
english.320dejanr,
What do you get whe you cross a pitbull and Lassie ?
A pitbull who rips off your balls, then goes for help.
What do you do when your neighbor's pitbull starts humping your leg?
Fake an orgasm
english.321dejanr,
This was so funny I had to post it. If anyone sees any updates, please
let me know.
ezraerb@athena.mit.edu
Enjoy the following pictorial treatise on Cows.
Subject: THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO COWS -- November '89 Edition
Date: 1 Dec 89 06:15:07 GMT
Organization: Princeton University, NJ
Disclaimer: Author bears full responsibility for contents of this article
--==>> THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO COWS <<==--
as you've NEVER seen them before!
________________________
(__) / \ * OFFICIAL EDITION *
(oo) ( November 1989 Version! )
/-------\/ --'\________________________/ * WORLDWIDE DISTRIBUTION *
/ | ||
* ||----|| Edited by Eric W. Tilenius
~~ ~~ Please send your submissions to:
Cow ewtileni@pucc.Princeton.EDU // ewtileni@pucc.BITNET
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(__) (__) (__) (__)
(oo) (oo) (oo) (oo)
/-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/
/ | || / | || / | || / | ||
* ||----|| * ||W---|| * ||w---|| * ||V---||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
Cow Cow laden Same cow Nancy Reagan-type
with milk after milking cow with milk
(___) (___) * (___) (___)
(o o) (o o) \ (o o) (o o)
/-------\ / /-------\ / \-------\ / /-------\ /
/ | ||O / | ||O | ||O / | ~#>-+|O
* ||,---|| * ||@\--|| ||,---|| * ||,----|
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~
Bull Same bull after Rotc bull after Red-blooded American Bull
seeing above cow seeing other bull shooting the Rotc bull
(__) (__) (__) (__)
(oo) (oo) (oo) (oo)
/-------\/-* /-------\/ /-------\/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
/ | || \ )*)(\/* / * / | ||
* ||----|| * \ |||/)|/()( ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
\/|(/)(/\/(,,/ \)|(/\/|)(/\
Cow munching Grass munching Cow in water Cow in trouble
on grass on cow
(__) (__) * (__) * (__)
(oo) (oo) \ (oo) | (oo)
/--------\/ /-oooooo-\/ \-------\/ \-------\/
* o| || * ooooooooo o o| || / ||
||----|| ooooooooooooo ||----||>==/-----||
ooo~~ ~~ ooooooooooooooooo ~~ ~~ ~~
Cow taking Cow in deep Cow getting the shit
a shit shit kicked out of her
(__)
(oo) U
/-------\/ /---V
/ | || * |--| .
* ||----||
~~ ~~
Cow at 1 meter. Cow at 100 meters. Cow at 10,000 meters.
(__) )__( vv vv
(oo) (oo) ||----|| *
/-------\/ *-------\/ || | /
/ | || / | || /\-------/
* ||----|| / ||----|| (oo)
~~ ~~ vv vv (~~)
American Cow Polish Cow Australian Cow
(__) (__) (__)
(oo) ____ (oo) _---_(oo)
/-------\/ /- --\/ /- -\/
/ | || / | || /| ||
* ||----|| * ||___-|| * ||___-||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
Freshman Cow at Freshman Cow Freshman Cow
start of school After the "Freshman 15" After the "Freshman 20"
(__) (__) (__)
(OO) (@@) (xx)
/-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/
/ | || / | || / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
Cow who drank Jolt Cow who ate Cow who used Jolt to wash
psychadelic mushrooms down psychadelic mushrooms
/\ __
/ \ ||
(__) (__) \ / (_||_)
SooS (oo) \/ (oo)
/------S\/S /-------\/ /S /-------\/
/ | || / | || / S / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----||___/ S * ||----||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
This cow belonged Ben Franklin owned Abe Lincoln's
to George Washington this cow cow
(__)
* (__) (oo)
\ (oo) /------\/
\-------\/ /| |/ |
| ==$ || / | [) ||
||----|| * ||----||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
Old "One Arm" belonged This cow was given to
to Ceasar's Palace Hugh Hefner for his Birthday
(___) (__) (__)
( O ) (oo) (oo)
/-------\ / \/--------\/
/ | ||V | |
* ||----|| ||------||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
The cyclops that Jason and This cow lived with
the Argonauts met had this cow Dr. Doolittle
(__) (__)
[##] (@o)
/-------\/ /-------\/ /------- (__)
/ | || / | || / | || (oo)
* ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----|---\/
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~
This cow belonged This cow lived with This cow belonged to
to Flash Gordon the Little Rascals the Headless Horseman
(____) (____) (____)
(oo ) (o o) ( O O)
/-----------\ / /-----\ /---- /-----------\ /
/ || | \/ / | | \/ | / || | \/
/ || |||| \ | | | | | / || ||||
* ||||-----|||| *| | |-----| | | * ||||-----||||
/\/\ /\/\ /\ /\ /\ /\ ~~~~ ~~~~
This cow belonged This was Salvatore No one was sure whether
to Pablo Picasso Dali's favorite cow M.C. Escher's cow had four
legs or eight
O__O \_|_/
(oo) (oo)
/-------\/ /-------\/
/ | || / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
Cow at Disneyland Cow visiting the Statue of Liberty
(__) (__)
~~ (oo) (--)
~~~~ /-------\/ /-\/-\
~~~~~ / | || /| |\
~~~~~ * ||----|| ~ | | ~
~~~~~~~~ ====~~====~~==== | |
~~~~~~~~~~~~/ /----\
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ / \ \
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~ * ~
Cow Hanging Ten at Malibu Cow sunning at Fort Lauderdale
(What a bod, huh guys?)
)\ (__)
/ \ (oo)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cow swimming at Amityville
(Where Jaws was filmed, for those less educated)
* (__)
\ (DD)
\ /-------\/
|\ / | ||_\_/
\ | \ (__) * ||----|
\\|| \(oo) ~~ ~
\||\ \\/ Cow chugging brews and staring at
~~ \|| sunbathers at Fort Lauderdale
\\ ||
\\||
\||
~~ / / / / / / / / / / /
\\_ / / / / / / / / / / / /
\_ / / / / / _______ / /
Cow skiing a Black Diamond at Aspen / / / / | \ / /
/ / / (__)| / /
/ / / (oo)| / /
( @@@ ) /-------\/ |
( @@ ) (------------) / | ||~_|
@@ (__) ( *>COUGH<* ) * ||----|
@@ (oo) . . . ( *>COUGH<* ) ~~ ~
/--UU--\/ (____________)
/ | || Cow sheltering from English Weather
* ||---||
(New) Jersey Cow
O O O O
\ \ / /
\ \ (__) /
(__) \ \ (xx)/
(DD) \ +--------+\//
/-------\/ \| | /
/ | || +--------+
* ||----||
~~ ~~
Cow fantasizing about "Riding the Mechanical Bull"
at Gillies in Texas
o o
|__| (__) (__)
(oo) (oo) =(oo)= oo
/-------\/ /-------vv /-------\/
/ | || / | || / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
bill bixby bela lugosi boris karloff claude rains
male relative cow cow cow
cow
x
xxxx|xxxx
xxxxxxx|xxxxxxx
|
//
(__) // (__) (__)
(oo)// (oo)===(oo)
/-------\// /-------\/ \/-------\
/ | |// / | || || | \
* ||----| * ||----|| ||----|| *
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
Julie Andrews Cow Siamese cows
o o (__) ~
\ / (oo) /
\ / _____\/___/
(__) \__/ / /\ / /
(oo) _______(oo) ~ / * /
/---------\/ /| ___ \/ / ___/
/ | x=a(b)|| / | { }|| *----/\
* ||------|| * ||{___}|| / \
~~ ~~ ||-----|| / /
~~ ~~ ~ ~
Mathematical Television This cow does Disco
Cow Cow (That's what comes of
(developer of (Cow-thode snorting cow-caine)
cow-culus) Ray Tube)
o
| [---]
| |
| | |------========|
/----|---|\ | **** |=======|
/___/___\___\ o | **** |=======|
| | ___| |==============|
| | ___ {(__)} |==============|
\-----------/ []( )={(oo)} |==============|
\ \ / / /---===--{ \/ } |
----------------- / | NASA |==== |
| | * ||------||-----~
----------------- || | |
/ / \ \ ~~ ~ |
/ ---- \
~~ ~~ This cow jumped over the Moon
(__)
([][]) "I have this recurring dream
__\/_--U about golden arches.".. (__)
/\ \__ ~ :..("")
/\\\ / / //\ ____\_____\/ //
/----~/__/\ /\ // \\/ \___ / //
\\\____/--\-- // /-/__________/ //
/====== \/ =======/==============//
*_/ / \ /~ // / \\
/ \ ~ // \\
Psycowlogist and patient
(___)
\~~~~~~~~\ (__) (o o)
\~~~~~~~~\\ (oo) \ /
*-----\_______\/\/ \--O--/
~_______/ --- \______~ // -----\
~--------\ \S/ /\_____~ \\/_~{} /==V===[]
\______/ \_____\\//
\__/
It's a bird... //\\ The Boss
It's a plane... // \\ (Bruce Holstien)
// //
~~ ~~
==================
_____________________________ H H
| |-------------| H (__) H
| | ________ | H (oo) H __
| COWNTY | | (|__|) | | H / \/ \ H / \
| JAIL | | |oo| | | H | | | | H | STOP |
| | |__|\/|__| | H D===b=----- H \ __ /
| | o | H~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~H ||
| | ~ | H H ||
| | ] | H H ||
| | | H H ||
|_____________|_____________| H H ||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Some cows get in trouble... Cattle Guard
( ( )
( ( ) )
( ( )
( / )
( ( \\ )
( | // )
| | (__)
| | (oo) (__)
| | ----\/ ______(oo)_____
| | || ( _)_______(__) )
**| | ---|| \ __________/
``'---------~~
Cow Hide Cow Pie
\ | / ___________
____________ \ \_# / | ___ | _________
| | \ #/ | | | | | = = = = |
| | | | | \\# | |`v'| | | |
| | \# // | --- ___ | | | || | |
| | | | | #_// | | | | | |
| | \\ #_/_______ | | | | | | || | |
| | | | | \\# /_____/ \ | --- | | |
| | \# |+ ++| | | |~~~~~~| | | | || | |
| | \# |+ ++| | | |~~~~~~| | | | || | |
~~| (~~~~~) |~~~~~#~| H |_ |~| | |||| | |~~~~~~| |
| ( ||| ) | # ~~~~~~ | | |||| | | | ||||||| |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~________/ /_____ | | |||| | | | ||||||| |
`v'- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | ||||||| |
|| |`. (__) (__) ( )
(oo) (oo) /---V
/-------\/ \/ --------\ * | |
/ | || ||_______| \
* ||W---|| || || *
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
"Cow Town"
\ (__) (__)
\\(oo) (\/)
/-----\\\/ /-------\/
/ | (##) / | ||
* ||----||" * ||----||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
This cow plays bagpipes. Cow from Beijing
(__) (__) (__)
(\/) ($$) (**)
/-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/
/ | 666 || / |=====|| / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
Satanic cow This cow is a Yuppie Cow in love
(__) (__)
(oo) (oo)
/-'''''-\/ /-------------------\/
/ |'''''|| / | ||
* ||''''|| * ||----------------||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
Cow in Argyle Stretch Cow
*
** **
* ** * * * **
* / / \ * *
\ \ / \ / / (__)
* / / \ \ (__) \ \ /--------(00)
/ (00) / / / | |( )
\ /-------\/ \ \ * ||---- ||()
/ / | || / / || ||
\ \ * ||----|| \ \ ~~ ~~
/ / ~~ ~~ / / Cow Chewing Marbles
Cow in Heat
(___)
(o o)
/------\ / (__) (__)
/ ____O (oo) (oo)
| / /----\----\/ /-------\/
/\oo===| / || / | ||
| || *||~-----|| * OO----OO
* ~~ ~~ ~~
Cowt in the Act low rider cow
(__) \__\ (__)
(oo) o (oo) (oo)
/-------\/ ____\___\/ *+-------\/
/ | || / | || ||______||
* ||----|| * ||----|| ||----||
OO OO OO OO OO OO
Detroit cow Mustang cow pickup cow
(__) (__) \_||_~
(oo) (oo) (*||*)
/---------------\/ /----\/ /-------\||/
/ | || / || / | ||
* ||------------|| *-||----|| * ||----||
OO OO OO OO OO }{
li-moo-cow fastback cow teenager's cow
____
(____)
.xxxx.
(__) '(oo)`
(oo) /-----'-\/ `
/-------\/ / | |============>
/ | || * ||----| (~)
* ||----|| ~~ ~
~~ ~~ Moo-ammar Cowdafi
holy cow armed and dangerous
(___) (___)
(o o) (o o)
/-------\ / /-------\ /
/ | ||O / | O~ ||O
* ||,---|| * ||,---||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
A Bull A-bomb-in-a-bull No-bull
(---)
( )
/-----\ (___)
| | (o o)
| | | (-----) \ /
| | | / / \ O
| * | * | O |
~~ ~~ -----
Coward Phone Bull
__________________________
}__{ / Send YOUR cow pictures to \
(00) ( ewtileni@pucc.Princeton.EDU )
:****** \/ ==='\___________________________/'
: # ##
##****##
"" ""
| | | | *
| | (__) | | \ (__)
| | (oo) | | \ (oo)
| | /-------\/ | | -----------\/--
| | / | || | | ----| |---
| | * ||----|| | | --------
| \______~~____~~___ | \_________________
| _________________ | _________________
| / | /
| | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| | | |
/ \ / \
Cow perched on a tree. Cow attempting to fly off tree.
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
| \_________________
| _________________
| /
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
| | (__)
| | *---------(..)
/ \ ~~----~~\/
Cow that has failed miserably in the attempt.
. /\ . . : (__)
. / \ . . : (xx)
/ \ . . * : __------\/
/ \ * : * ||____||
| (__) | . . ** : / | |\
. /| (oo) |\ ** :
/ | /\/\ | \ . . * : Hamburger
. / |=|==|=| \ . * :
. / | | | | \ . :
/ USA | ~||~ |NASA \ . : * (__)
|______| ~~ |______| . : \ (oo)
. (__||__) . . : \-------\/
. /_\ /_\ . . . : 8-| ||
!!! !!! : ||----||
: ~~ ~~
The cow that jumped over the moon. : Flying Cow
...---...
../ / | \ \..
./ / / | \ \ \.
/ / / | \ \ \
/ / / | \ \ \
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /(__)
\|/ (oo)
/---++--\/
/ | || ||
* ||-++-||
~~ ~~
Cow surviving attack by Red Baron
..---.. (__)
/ \ (oo)
| RIP | /-------\/
| | / | ||
| | * ||----||
| | ~~ ~~
| |
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////
Elvis's Cow... ...Or is it alive and living in tax exile???
(__)
(oo)
/---+ +--\/
/ | | | ||
* ||-+ +-||
~~ ~~ *
David Copperfield's Cow David Copperfield's other Cow
(__)
(oo)
/-------\/
/ | ||
* ||----||
~~ ~~
(__) (__)
(oo) (oo)
/-------\/ \/-------\
/ | || -~~- || | \
* ||---- -~~- || *
~~ ~~
(__) (__)
(oo) (oo)
/-------\/ \/-------\
/ | || || | \
* ||----|| ||----|| *
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
Barnum's Troupe of performing cows
(__) _--------_
(oo) |__________| BIG
/-------\/ XXXXXXXXXX MAC
/ | 007 || __________
* ||----|| |_ _|
~~ ~~ --------
Cow licenced to kill Enemy Cow after having met previous cow
(__)
(oo)
/'~~~-m
(__) / '' ` )
(oo) o /| /|/|_ | /|
/ \/ / / _ / | | | |
/ _\===~ ___\_____/___ |_____|_|
___|__/ |/\ (___________(_) //|| ||
* ~ ~ * ww ww
Mrs. O'Leary's Cow Cow'nt Dracula
____ ____ |+++++|
|++++| ___ |++++| ____ |+++++|
|++++| |++ ______________________ |++++| |+++++|
|++++| |++/ /( )\ \ |++++| |+++++| __
| | |+| |-oo- | \______ |++++| |+++++| |++|
-----(__)--| \__\/ _(__)_ \ ----------------------------------
o ( oo /_______________________| (oo) \ | __
| _/\_| | M O O - B U S T E R S|__\/\ /| | /oo| - Bleaurgh!
|-| \\____ ------ )_ /| /\
-|_ \_|-_|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 0 _| * \/ *
\ | __________________________________/
| W| \ \_/ /----------------- \ \_/ /
/ /\ \ \___/ \___/
/ / \ \
~~~ ~~~ Who you gonna call...?
(__) (__) (__) (----------)
(00) (-o) (--) . . . ( *>YAWN<* )
/------\/ /------\/ /------\/ (----------)
/| || /| || /| ||
* ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----||
Cow w/ Glasses Flirtatious cow (winking) Cow after pulling an all-nighter
* (__) (__) (__) (__)
\ (oo) (oo) (oo) (oo)
\-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/
/| |\ / / \ / \ / / \ \
//||----||\\ * //------\\ * \\--// * \\----\\
~ ~~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Cow walking Cow jogging Same cow Cow breaking
(__)
(oo) (__) o * (__)
\/ (oo)/ " | (oo)
____| \____ /-------\/(__ o=o=o=|------\/
---/ --** / | / | |
*____/ |___// * ||----|| ||----||
//--------/ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
//__ Cow Cow pooing
Cow marching standing
Side Front Side back (___) Where's all the bulls!
(__) (__) (__) (__) (O O)/
( oo (oo) oo ) ( ) ~ _/\ /\_ ~
/\_| /\/\ |_/\ / \ \\/ O \//
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(___)
( OO
\_ | - Got some cows that aren't in here? Add yours to the official
\O collection! Send them to: ewtileni@pucc.Princeton.EDU
(___)
( --
\_ | - G'nite, and thank you for your support. Zzz z z z z z z z
\O
Thanks to EVERYONE who contributed COWS!
PLEASE DISTRIBUTE THIS FILE WIDELY -- IT IS *NOT* COPYRIGHTED.
(Besides, this is a classic that NO ONE should miss!)
- ERIC -
(__) Eric W. Tilenius
(oo)
/-------\/ President, Princeton Planetary Society
/ | ||
* ||----|| 609-734-7677 // ewtileni@pucc.Princeton.EDU
english.322dejanr,
There were these three sons that were to inherit a large tract of land
in Nebraska for the purpose of raising cattle. These three sons couldn't
decide on what to call this new 'ranch' of theirs.
After debating, the brains came up with the name 'Focal Point Ranch'.
The others asked 'WHAT? Why the Focal Point Ranch?'
'Because,' said the brainy one, 'that's where the sons raise meat'.
exit stage left.
--
Absolutely no disclaimers apply. We use CICS at work.
english.323dejanr,
Here is the next tale lifted from a Chicago Trib. story about the International
Save the Pun Foundation. You may subscribe to "The Pundit" for $20 the year,
from the I.S.t.P.F. at Box 5040, Sta. A, Toronto, Canada M5W 1N4. The tale is
heavily rewritten to end-run copyright complaints.
Enjoy.
"Bum" Bill Flaherty made a pretty good living duplicating Government documents
-- the green kind. He owned an average house, which he deliberately allowed
to acquire a rather seedy appearance. The lawn was messily maintained; the
living room, visible through the picture window, was cheaply furnished with a
small black and white TV, a second hand couch and a large rug that looked about
fifth-hand. The room needed painting.
The rest of the house, with all windows curtained, was tastefully and
expensively furnished. About two-thirds of the basement was finished off into
guest and family rooms. A door concealed behind a shallow cupboard led to the
rest of the basement, which was BumBill's "workshop".
The family cars (one middle-aged Chevy and a thorough rattletrap of an old Ford
pickup) looked like something the city should condemn, but under the hoods they
were superbly maintained. BumBill was accomplished in his field, and well
understood the need for a "low profile". His friends assumed that Bill was
eccentric (well...he was) and simply concerned with avoiding break-ins. Bill
nurtured this tale, but his main concerns were the IRS and the Department of
the Treasury.
BumBill's wife, Maureen, had sat down and designed a complete "makeover" of the
kitchen. Bill looked over her drawings, made a few suggestions (most of which
Maureen vetoed) and took the papers to a few contractors he knew to solicit
estimates. Bill let the contractors know (Oh, so gracefully!) that he would be
willing to pay cash, no receipts and no questions asked, for work well done,
and not discussed. Wanting things done as competently as possible, Bill sought
the _highest_ bidder.
The work took about three weeks, since old, eccentric Bill Flaherty insisted on
the materials being brought in at night, and the workers had to park a block or
so away, and come to the house one at a time. Still, they were well paid, so a
little eccentricity was to be tolerated.
The last day of work, it was the contractor himself who walked with Maureen and
Bill around the room, pleased with their exclamations of delight and
satisfaction. As they were getting ready to wrap things up, the contractor
noticed that one of the shorter kitchen counters wobbled a bit on its frame
support. From his pocket he removed a Leatherman Tool and a Swiss Army Knife,
and with these two do-it-alls, he removed and refitted the countertop properly.
Even more pleased, Bill asked Maureen to pour the gentleman a drink while Bill
went and got the last of his payment.
No one saw BumBill get the money, but we may safely assume that he went to the
basement and entered a certain hidden room....
After the contractor left, Maureen asked Bill, "Did you pay him with some of
your funny money?"
"Certainly," replied Bill. "After all, he's a very good counter fitter."
"More to come,"
english.324dejanr,
Two young men were joined at the waist as Siamese Twins. They had lived
in Chicago for several years, when they suddenly moved to London. "Why
did they move after all these years?...
So the other one could drive!
english.325dejanr,
> Q. How do you know when you're having a bad day?
> A. You find your Tampax behind your ear and you
> can't remember what you did with your pencil.
And along the same lines . . .
"Doctor, why are you trying to write with a rectal thermometer ?"
"Damn. Some bum's got my pen."
What's the difference between a urologist and a thorn on a rosebush?
one pricks your finger...
english.326dejanr,
Source: Passed to me by a colleague at the University of Idaho
Did you hear the one about the day Oral Roberts, Jerry Falwell and Robert
Schuler were driving to a big "tent meeting" together? Unfortunately,
they were involved in a terrible accident and all three were killed.
As you might expect they all ascended into heaven and came to standing in
front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted them and welcomed them to
heaven. Then he started to hem and haw around and finally explained that
they hadn't any advance notice of this situation and so weren't quite
prepared for three so illustrious and holy men. He explained how all
three of them qualified for the very finest accomodations heaven had to
offer including very large and splendid mansions, but they weren't quite
ready so would they mind waiting a few days?
They replied that they wouldn't mind waiting, but were they just going
to have to stand there for several days? St. Peter said no, he
believed he could arrange temporary quarters for them in Hell. Sometimes
Satan was willing to help out in emergencies, whereupon he placed a call
to Brother Satan and made the arrangements. They descended into Hell.
Noon on the fourth day after their descent St. Peter gets a frantic
phone call from the Devil demanding that he remove these three guys from
hell immediately. St. Peter couldn't believe his ears and asked what
could possibly be wrong with these three upstanding people.
The Devil replied, "They are ruining my place down here. In less than
four days Jerry Falwell has saved everybody, Oral Roberts has healed
everybody, and Robert Schuler has raised enough money to air condition
the whole damn place!!"
english.327dejanr,
As told by a friend of mine (Steve):
Q:What do you call the area between the vagina and the anus?
A: A chinrest!!!
english.328dejanr,
A friend of mine told me how some guy came up to him to ask for directions.
The guy asked "Do you know how to get to Town Hall?" to which my friend
responded "Yeah. Practice." Then he turned and walked away.
If an explanation for this is needed, Sydney Town Hall hosts occasional
Eisteddfods and it has a very large pipe organ and small concert type events
are held there but the guy was probably looking for it because it's the
central landmark in the city.
Anyway, we thought it was hilarious. I've got another example of unexpected
answers to common questions but I've forgotten it. It post it when I remember.
If you have any, please post them.
english.329dejanr,
In article <3937@lectroid.sw.stratus.com>, mm@lectroid.sw.stratus.com (Mike
Mahler) says:
>
> People are STILL telling this joke (by the way it
> was originally an elephant and a frog in the bathtub
> and the frog asks the elephant for soap)?
>
>
That's not the way I heard it. If I remember right, it went something
like:
Two penguins were at the South Pole and decided to visit the North
Pole. They couldn't agree upon which direction to go, so the first went
one way and the second went the opposite direction.
After many weeks of traveling, the first penguin could finally see
the North Pole off in the distance. But to his surprise, the other penguin
was coming up fast from the other side. Not wanting to get beaten, the
first penguin made a mad dash for the North Pole; and just as he touched
it he yelled out, "Radio!".
But I guess your version(s) of the joke is somewhat cleaner because of
the soap.
english.330dejanr,
How about the famous Sherlock Holmes case involving the great Czechoslovakian
art thief who, when cornered in the museum, hid in an old suit of armor?
Unfortunately, Holmes knew that the Czech was in the mail.
english.331dejanr,
Mr. Doogie asks an astrologer : "Hey guy, tell me more about my future ?"
The astrologer asks him the usual stuff : birth date, birth sign, etc. and
then looks at his hand and replies : "Well, for the next ten years, you'll
have all sorts of problems : financial, social, professional, etc."
Mr. Doogie, disappointed, but with hopes for changing times, continues :
"So what after the next ten years ?"
The astrologer replies : "Well, you'll get used to it."
english.332dejanr,
Last summer I went to my parents house (located in rural farm
country) to visit and pal around with some old high school buddies.
One such buddy has done quite well for himself and he decided to take me for
a spin in his new porsche.
Before taking it out of town for a spin (South Dakota roads are GREAT for
testing Porsche's. No turns. No cops...) we needed some petrol. Pulled up to
the pump and my friend immediatly struck up a conversation with the farmer
filling his moped. Mostly they talked about porches` being more valuable
than mopeds or something on those lines, but any way, soon we were back on
the road.
Well here we were, cruising down the interstate, heading out of town when all
of a sudden
WWWWWWOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH!
That farmer and his moped flew passed us. Then, before the startled looks
could leave our faces
ZZZZZOOOOOOOOM!
He was behind us again. Wow. We had never seen the likes of this before.
And on a moped even. Well, we decided, "If it`s a race he wants, a race
he`ll get" and promptly stepped on it. But then, before the needle could
reach 85:
WWWWWWWWOWOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH!
ke a streak of shit. We could barely make out his moped in the blurr that
shot by. Again, though, we did not have time to speak before:
ZZOOM!
He was instanteously behind us. My friend was fed up. He KNEW he could out
run a moped so this time he accelerated unabated. But once more:
WWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSHHH!
That farmer and his moped were impossibly infront of us then, just as
quickly:
ZOOM!
Behind us again.
We were flabergasted. How a moped could obtain such phenomenal results had
to be in the tank so we pulled off to ask him what kind of fuel he was
running. As the car stopped and my friend rooled down his window the farmer
pulled up and said, "<pant-pant-wheeze> Thanks <pant> for stopping. <more
panting> <more wheezing> my suspenders were caught in your door!"
Jim "so what if you've heard it before" Kirby
jkirby@ub.d.umn.edu
"Traveling there was really boring so I headed for the ditch. It
was a rough ride but I met more interesting people there."
-- Neil Young
english.333dejanr,
"Hi. You know, I may be the president, but when I travel
to other countries, I don't always have the luxury of
controlling the economy like I do at home with my fellow
businessmen. That's why I carry the American Oppress Card.
It lets me influence entire markets without all those
rules and regulations.
And, it lets me dominate foreign leaders without the messy
hassle of a coup d'etat.
But best of all,
<Uh, don't worry about the revolution, Jose', we'll protect you.>
it lets me be who I want to be.
So when it comes to foreign policy, you need something on
your side. The American Oppress Card: Don't leave the U.S.
without it."
english.334dejanr,
This mother is worried because her 4-year old son is in the bathroom
for over an hour and is still having his bath. So she peeps in and
sees that he is violently brushing & scrubbing his crotch with a lot of soap
The whole pelvic area is covered with lather. Surprised , she asks:
mom: Son what in the world are you doing??
son: Oh , I am taking good care of "it" mom , 'cause sister is already
having a cavity!!!!
Ha!
english.335dejanr,
I've thought this over quite a bit this past week, and I can't understand
why the Powers that Be are taking so much trouble to discourage/prevent any
terrorist acts at the SuperBowl game.
If an unusually competent terrorist were to achieve a close to 100% kill on
the fans at the SB, the immediate result should be a measurable rise in the
average IQ of the country. This we're afraid of?
If said hypothetical terrorists also got the teams, that should almost triple
the national increase.
I suppose there are drawbacks, though...for several months, there would be a
marked decrease in beer consumption and pinball playing. We don't need that
when we've got a bit of a recession going. Also, it occurrs to me that the
Congress of the United States probably doesn't _want_ to risk a rise in the
average intelligence of their constituents -- those folks want to _stay_ in
office.
What do you think?
english.336dejanr,
> I heard this one on the radio:
> It seems the Texas National Guard was called up and sent to the Gulf,
> but the Mexicans told 'em to go back home.
>
Well, actually it's:
JOKE> The Belgian wanted to help in the Gulf war too, but the mexicans
sent them away.
QUEST> But why?
ANSW> Because they'd sent icebreakers.
QUEST> But what did they do then?
ANSW> they found the correct Gulf, and sent 2 submarines with parachutists
QUEST> And what will happen next?
ANSW> They'll declare war on the Dutch in 20 years
QUEST> Why?
ANSW> That's when they understand our jokes about them.
QUEST> But what then?
ANSW> Five years later they'll sign a peace agreement with France.
QUEST> Huh?
ANSW> Yeah, that's when they find out where Holland is.
For non-europeans, the Dutch are always making jokes about the Belgian.
--Ralph Moonen
rmoonen@hvlpa.att.com
english.337dejanr,
I heard this one on the radio:
It seems the Texas National Guard was called up and sent to the Gulf,
but the Mexicans told 'em to go back home.
(For the humor/geography impaired: Gulf (of Mexico), rather than (Persian))
english.338dejanr,
Ok, here's one that I hope hasn't been posted here more than
13675 times:
There's this *very* shy young man who, after weeks of hinting by
his girlfriend, builds up enough courage to have sex with her. So
like any responsible youth, he goes to the nearest supermarket to
buy some condoms.
Well, he goes up to counter on the 1st floor, and asks in a very
low voice:
"Excuse me, do you sell condoms here?"
The salesperson gives him a knowing smile, and says:
"Let me check..." and shouts to another guy:
"HEY JOE, DO WE HAVE ANY CONDOMS HERE? THIS GUY WANTS SOME..."
Of course the guy was very embarassed, since people started
staring and snickering... And Joe answers:
"NO MAN, THEY ARE ON THE SECOND FLOOR..."
So the guy sets off to the second floor. Again he approaches the
salesperson and asks in a low voice for condoms...And according
to Murphy's Law on Public Embarassment, the guy starts shouting
to the other salespersons:
"YO, WE GOT ANY CONDOMS 'ERE?"
"NO, THE RUBBERS ARE UP ON THE THIRD FLOOR..."
Well, the guy sets off to the third floor, followed by a small
interested crowd... Needless to say, this carries on all the
way up to the top floor..Finally, slightly exhausted in his
search for the almighty rubbers and more than a slightly peeved,
and of course followed by a large crowd, he approaches the
salesperson:
"Do you sell condoms here?..."
"Yes sir, here you are," and hands him a packet.
The guy relieved, pays for them and on turning around, finds himself
facing the expectant crowd and says:
"And for those of you who haven't heard, I'm getting laid tonight..."
Hope it was worth the time spent reading it...
Oh, and Hi! to Dinos if he is watching...
Simos Hadjiyiannis
"...It's lonely in the field, that we send our fighters to wander,
they leave with minds of steel, it's their training solution,
we've programmed the way, it leads us to order, there's no turning back,
a surgical strike, we've tought them not to feel... "
english.339dejanr,
(For those out of state, CalTrans is the Ca. Dept. of Transportation (the
road work guys). And I'm sorry if this has been posted b4.)
Did you hear that half of CalTrans is being laid off?
They finally invented a shovel that will stand up by itself.
english.340dejanr,
OFFICIAL BUSINESS OBFUSCATION
A CONSULTANT: Any ordinary guy with a briefcase more than 50 miles
from home.
AN EXPERT: A person who avoids all small errors as he sweeps toward
the grand fallacy.
A STATISTICIAN: One who draws a mathematically precise line from an
unwanted assumption to a foregone conclusion.
A COLLEAGUE: Someone being called in a the last minute to share the blame.
A RELIABLE SOURCE: The guy you just met.
AN INFORMED SOURCE: The guy who *told* the guy you just met.
AN UNIMPEACHABLE SOURCE: The guy who started the rumor originally.
A MMETING: A mass-mulling of masterminds.
A CONFERENCE: A place where conversation is substituted for the
dreariness of labor and the loneliness of thought.
A PROGRAM: Any assignment that can't be completed by one phone call.
CHANNELS: The guy who has a desk between two expeditors.
TO ACTIVATE: To make copies and add more names to the memo.
TO EXPEDITE: To confound confusion with commotion
TO IMPLEMENT A PROGRAM: Hire more people and expand the office.
TO RESEARCH: Go looking for the jerk who moved the files.
TO GIVE SOMEONE THE PICTURE: To present a long, confused, and inaccurate
statement to a newcomer.
TO CLARIFY: To fill in the background with so many details that the
foreground goes underground.
english.341dejanr,
Greetings.
A little background:
1) Westinghouse has several plants near/in Pittsburgh. Most
notably, they have a nuclear testing facility...
2) Carnegie Mellon University does work for NASA and maybe
even DoD. They certainly are at work on the Mars "rover".
Anyways, a year or so ago, a new kind of poster begun
appearing on telephone poles and such. All it said was:
"Westinghouse makes nuclear weapons."
Well, after a few months of this, a new sigh started
apperaing, in conjunction with the above. It was always
place above it. Now the whole thing reads:
"CMU designs nuclear weapons,
Westinghouse makes nuclear weapons."
[sly grin]
Take care.
OBJ: I once had the pleasure (?) of repairing a "Made in Taiwan" PC board.
This was one of those single-sided boards (only one side had copper
traces). Most manufacturers put some kind of company name on the
unused side. It is comparable to the imprints made in paper by paper
cmpanies. These guys had the word "SLUT" as their name. I was in
tears... ;-)
(If I remember correctly, it was from an early arcade game. I think
it was a generic ping-pong game... remember those? :-)
english.342dejanr,
A DAY OFF
So you want the day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 days per year
in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 days available
for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work you have used
up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day
on coffee break that accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days
available. With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another
46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2
days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for
work. We are off for 5 olidays per year, so your available working time is
down to 1 days. We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which
leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be DAMNED if you're going to
take that day off!!
english.343dejanr,
> Never will a man fight as hard,
> as when he is fighting to proove
> his love to the Woman of his heart.
>
> Sead Omerov
Actually I prefer Rufus T. Firefly's version:
Margaret Dumont: "Rufus, what are you doing?"
Groucho Marx: "I'm defending your honor, which is more than you ever did!"
Quote from memory, not exact.
Senor Coyote
english.344dejanr,
Why do elephants paint their balls red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
Giraffes eating cherries.
"Iraq you like a hurricane" / bryan@tahoe.unr.edu (Bryan Wolf)
english.345dejanr,
From: avg@hq.demos.su (Vadim Antonov)
^^
> Organization: DEMOS, Moscow, USSR
^^^^
>
> A.J.C.Blyth@newcastle.ac.uk (A J C Blyth) writes:
>
> >Here is a small joke.
> >Q: What does Saddam Hussein and George Bush have in common.
> >A: They both want to rule the world.
>
> What's about Gorby? <no smiley>
>
> Vadim
Welcome to rec.humor Vadim, I couldnt ever dream of the fact
that this newsgroup was readable even in USSR.
english.346dejanr,
Once again, sorry if this has been posted recently -- I'm new here.
One night 3 vampires were out on the town, and decided to stop into the local
bar to get a drink. The bartender was new there, and was determined to get the
order right. So he asked the first vampire, "What would you like tonight??"
The vampire replied, "I'm rather thirsty, so I'd like a glass of blood."
The bartender then asked the second vampire what he'd like. The second vampire
replied, "I'm really thirsty also. That glass of blood really sounds good."
The bartender then asked the third vampire what he wanted. The third vampire
replied, "I'm not all that thirsty, I'll just have some plasma."
Wanting to be absolutely sure that he had the order correct, the bartender
said,
"So that will be 2 bloods and a blood-light?"
LAF
english.347dejanr,
Q: How many Hockey Players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but they get three credits for it.
Scott V.
Alaska
english.348dejanr,
Thought you netters out there might want to see this...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Memo of the Month," From The Washington Monthly, January/February
1991, page 24:
"This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM
Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us
find it rather funny.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
"Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to
operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse
balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
"Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer
of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method.
Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are
not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in
sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may
be used immediately.
"It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing
his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
"To re-order, specify one of the following:
"P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
"P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
And they say the Mac is a bucket of shit... Well the IBM is a barrel of
mouse droppings...
Simos Hadjiyiannis
"...I am your antichrist, show me allegiance (are you following me?)
I am your antichrist, pledge to me defiance (are you following me?)
Suffer my pretty warriors, suffer my fallen child,
The time has come to conquer and I'll provide your end...
We march...
"
english.349dejanr,
How do you know when an aggie's been using the computer?
You see white out on the screen.
What kind of cars do aggies think that police cars are?
Porsches, because there is 911 on the side of them.
Did ya hear about the farmer???
He was out standing in his field!
english.350dejanr,
Gulf Joke
Saddam Hussein and George Bush talking in a bar,
Saddam :- Our forces will wipe the floor with the Allies, our war technology
is much more advanced than yours.
Bush :- Rubbish the allies have much better weaponry, look at what has been
achieved so far, pinpoint bombing, cruise missiles with a range of
hundreds of miles.
Saddam :- Look I will prove to you that our technology is greater.
He shouts to an aid who comes back with a lack box.
Saddam :- Here mister president put your hand in this and press the button.
Bush looks in the box and sees a red button, at first he refuses to
entertain the idea, but eventually he puts his hand in and presses the
button, he takes his hand out and finds that he has lost 3 of his
fingers.
Saddam :- Don't panic now put your hand back in and press the button again.
So Bush puts his hand in again and presses the button, sure enough
his fingers have returned.
To counteract this President Bush calls to his aid who also turns up
with a box, but this one red.
Bush :- Ok. look at this for technology, put your hand in the box and press
the button.
So Saddam puts his hand in the box and presses the button.
Bush :- Now take your hand out.
Saddam :- That is not very good, my hand and all my fingers are still there.
Bush :- Yes, but Baghdad isn't !!!
english.351dejanr,
The bassist in Marillion used to be a TV engineer. One of their
favourite games was to open up the TV and reverse the connections to the
deflection coils, so the picture would appear upside-down. Then they'd
turn the TV upside down. The next guest would see the TV upside-down,
and turn it the right way up. When they turned it on, they just got
confused...
-<* Please don't write to me about the technical details! It's a joke! *>-
Sorry to write this but the last two jokes I posted were met with
1) advice that pressing ^Q would cure a ^S sent to the terminal
(which doesn't work here - ^Q cures a ^S pressed on the keyboard, but a
^S has to be sent _to_ the terminal to cure a ^Q, which I can't send
because the terminal is locked)
2) mail bringing the existance of Minicoms to my attention. I knew, thanks.
english.352dejanr,
>Did you ever have anyone ask you "Where's the "any" key?"?
A few years ago, we taught people how to program in BASIC. (No, that isn't
the joke! :-) One man had a habit of typing a line, then asking "Now what
do I do?". The answer was always "Now you press RETURN".
Eventually, I thought he had figured it out for himself, until one day he said
"I've typed in the program, and I've typed 'RUN', and nothing's happening".
I replied "Have you pressed RETURN?".
"Oh, _that's_ what's wrong", he said. Amazingly enough, the program worked.
(I never did figure out how he managed to type in the whole program, and then
forget to press RETURN after typing "RUN".)
Then there was a printer I was asked to fix. The problem, as described, was
that it would go through all the motions of printing (head moves, sound of
needles, etc.) but nothing would appear on the paper. First move was to
try to hook it up to a computer and see for myself what happened. I noticed
the ink ribbon was out of place, fitted it properly - and thought "It can't
be that simple. They can't have been that stupid".
It was. They had.
Ob. Gulf comment: Apparently the Tomahawk cruise missiles fly along streets.
They must have some way of knowing which way to turn. I'm waiting to see
some system similar to their guidance system fitted into cars, so that the
car will find its own way to wherever you're going - you need never get lost
again. Of course, there is the slight problem that the car will probably
crash into the wall of your destination.
"Keyboard? How quaint!" - M. Scott
english.353dejanr,
dmcgrego@cs.strath.ac.uk (D. James McGregor) writes:
>Very good! How about:
>Q: How do you get 30 Iraqis in a telephone box?
>A: Tell them it's not theirs.
<WARNING, some people might be offended by some of these. This
is not intentional - this is merely a pastiche of images
presented in the media, and does not represent mine, or anyone
elses, views or beliefs.>
Lets not be anti-Iraqi, huh? What about...
Q: How do you get 30 Israelis into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's air-tight
Q: How do you get 30 Americans into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's got oil in it
Q: How do you get 30 French into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's not in Iraq
Q: How do you get 30 Europeans into a telephone box?
A: Tell them there's no fighting involved
Q: How do you get 30 British politicians in a telephone box?
A: Tell them there are votes in it
Q: How do you get 30 Brits into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's safer than a Tornado
Q: How do you get 30 British MI5 men into a telephone box?
A: Tell them an Iraqi lives there
Q: How do you get 30 British-resident Iraqis into a telephone box?
A: Tell the MI5 men it's Pentonville Prison
Q: How do you get 30 Russians into a telephone box?
A: Tell them there's a slice of bread in it
Q: How do you get 30 peace protesters into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's the American Embassy
Q: How do you get 30 Turks into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's not an airbase, honest
Q: How do you get 30 Kuwaitis into a telephone box?
A: Tell them there's an Iraqi coming
Q: How do you get 30 Iranians into a telephone box?
A: Tell them to do it in the sacred name of Allah
Q: How do you get 30 American Generals into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's a target of the Allied bombers
Q: How do you get 30 reporters into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's in Baghdad
Q: How do you get 30 Palestinians into a telephone box?
A: Tell them if they do, you'll liberate the Occupied Territories
Q: How do you get 30 telephone company engineers into a telephone box?
A: You must be joking! You can't even get ONE in a telephone box...
Q: How do you get 30 students into a telephone box?
A: Make the other 70 homeless
-Mike Mars
english.354dejanr,
A man with laryngitis tried many times to talk to his doctor, but
after repeated phone calls could not get in touch. Desperate, he
decided to go over to his doctor's house.
The doctor's wife answered the door and the man said to her, "Hi. Is
the doctor home?"
The wife whispered back, "No he's not. Come on in!"
english.355dejanr,
Two single woman got together for lunch one day to catch up
on things. The first lady asks "How did your date go with
that musician? What instrument does he play?"
The second lady responds "Oh, John? He plays the French Horn.
It went okay. He's nice and handsome, but..."
"But what?" the first lady wants to know.
"Every time he kissed me, he stuck his fist up my ass."
english.356dejanr,
The message about the Bear vs. Tank incident reminded me of something that
happened a few years back. I don't remember the name or call-letters/numbers
of the machine in question, but there was an anti-aircraft gun that the
government stopped production on after spending just over a billion dollars
on it. It was designed to shoot down helicopters, and hence was programmed to
target rotating blades. During a test of the tageting system, it ignored all
of its intended targets, and zeroed in on a nearby bathroom exhaust fan.
While the technicians attempted to abort the firing sequence, that wing of
the building was quickly evacuated.
english.357dejanr,
Back in the early 80's, I was the only systems programmer supporting a
VM system, and I carried a beeper. I looked disreputable, as usual,
and was attending a movie (Poltergeist) when, just before the climax,
my beeper went off. I held it to my ear, and couldn't understand the
message, so I went out to call the message center (and never saw the
end of the movie).
The thing that stuck in my mind, though, was the woman two rows behind
me who turned to her friend and said, in a loud, obnoxious voice,
"Him, he's a doctor?"
It is almost ten years later, and I again carry a beeper, and I still
go to movies. I dread being beeped out of a movie, though. I can
imagine the loud obnoxious voice from two rows back saying, "Him, he's
a drug dealer?"
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Do not use "looking.uucp" or just "looking."
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
english.358dejanr,
[I received this today from John Greiner (John.Greiner@GS2.SP.CS.CMU.EDU)]
Rising D.C. Pizza Index indicates war
WASHINGTON - The pizza index indicates military action is imminent in
the gulf, a Domino's delivery official said today.
Record numbers of late-night pizza deliveries have been made to the
White House, Pentagon and State Department, said Frank Meeks, owner of
several Washington-area Domino's outlets. Similar patterns came
immediately before the invasions of Panama and Grenada, he said.
The record for late-night deliveries to CIA headquarters came the
night before Iraq invaded Kuwait last August, Meeks said.
(from our local newspaper, who got it "from
Star-Bulletin news services")
english.359dejanr,
This was taken from the Gwinnett Daily News on 11/26/90:
A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was
going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you weren't!" the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned toward the waindow and said, 'Officer, I
should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Do not use "looking.uucp" or just "looking."
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
english.360dejanr,
Does anyone know what 'Saddam' spelled backwards is???
MAD ASS <-- Not exactly, but it is the best pronounciation. :-)
-stevek
english.361dejanr,
I called back East and told my mother a joke that I saw on the
network, and her response was even funnier than the joke itself.
(Anyone who repeatedly and unsuccessfully tries to tell jokes to
someone who just doesn't get them should find this hysterical):
Reminder of how the jokes goes:
Question: What would you do if you got onto a bus full of gays?
Standard Answer: Get off. (hahaha)
Me: Mom, what would you do if you got onto a bus full of lesbians?
Mom: I don't know.
Me: Come on, what would you do?
Mom: Well, I wouldn't get off.
How's that for "over the head"?
english.362dejanr,
Since my existence has been so gloriously noted in this newsgroup lately, I
can't resist submitting these:
Q: What has blond hair, large breasts, and lives in Miami?
A: Saddam Hussein.
Q: How many alt.desert-shield readers it takes to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100 000, but it takes some time, because they insist building the new bulb
from the scratch: First, they take an Iraq-sized piece of glass...
This next one has nothing to do with Iraq, for a change, and it is
supposed to be true:
A reporter once interviewed Albert Schweitzer, a famous doctor, humanist
and organ player, in his hospital middle of an African jungle.
Reporter: What is your opinion about the western civilization, Dr. Schweitzer?
A.S.: I think that would be a very good idea.
english.363dejanr,
This item appeared in the Journal of Irreproducible Results in 1989,
submitted by Nathan Shalit. It originally appeared in The Sciences, May/June/
1988, by N.Y. Academy of Science.
Konrad Lorenz, the great animal behaviorist, was scrupulous about
cultivating fruitful confusion. Lorenz lived among his research subjects:
dozens of species of mammals, birds, reptiles, and fishes. He did not
quantify, control, or consciously experiment. He got to know each creature
individually, then threw them together, watching for the unexpected, the
unusual, or the bizarre in the chaos that followed. For example, his interest
in one of ethology's most important concepts, that of intention movements
(motions with meaning, such as the head bobbing in birds that serves as an
alarm signal before flight), derived from an inadvertent experiment. He had
trained a free-flying raven to eat raw meat from his hand and had been feeding
the bird for several hours one day. He would reach into his pants pocket and
take out a piece of meat, and the raven would swoop down to grab it in its
bill. By an by, Lorenz went to relieve himself near a hedge. When the raven
saw him put his hand into his pants and pull out another morsel of meat, it
swooped down, hungrily grasping the new mouthful in its bill. Lorenz howled
in pain. But the event left a deep impression on him--about how faithfully
animals respond to intention movements, that is.
english.364dejanr,
If you "pushed" a cat towards the "floor" in zero gravity, would it land on
its feet?
Why do a green vegetable and a black spice (pepper) have the same name?
-Scott
english.365dejanr,
A friend Jeff (You happy now, I credited you) said this by mistake:
Jordan seems to be caught between Iraq and a hard place.
Get it!!!!!!
english.366dejanr,
On a different, though related note:
A few years ago when I was a teaching assistant in electrical
engineering, a student asked me
"How do I calculate the impedance of this circuit?"
However, he pronounced "impedance" as "impotence."
english.367dejanr,
In article <9101291006.AA15890@pixel.oasis.icl.stc.co.uk>
jim@oasis.icl.stc.co.uk (Jim Cheetham) writes:
>Two Vampire bats are in their cave, and they both wake up early, before
Vampire jokes:
What did the two lesbian vampires say to each other in the morning?
See you in 28 days....
english.368dejanr,
>I do believe their names are Barbapapa (the big pink one), and Barbazoo *the
>little black hairy one with animal empathy). Don't ask me why I remember
this,
>though I think it has something to do with watching the fillers before Dr. Who
>came on TVOntari
Yeah, I used to have to watch that All the time (along with Polka Dot
door.) Can't say I miss it too much. They used to have those shows READA-
LONG and WRITE ON!... Pretty scary stuff...
english.369dejanr,
Saddam calls his cabinet to a meeting. His hand-picked men
lean forward in their chairs eagerly to catch whatever wisdom will
burst forth from the beloved Leader's lips.
"It is true, is it not," he begins, as various cabinet members
prepare to race to be first to approve, "that I, Saddam Hussein, am
indeed ...
" ... the worst political leader in the history of the world?"
His hearers are horrified. They may not contradict, for to
contradict is death. But to agree with such a statement? As a man
they turn to the aged mullah seated quietly near the end of the table.
In the silence, the venerable elder coughs, then speaks. "I
have heard," he says, "that the mirror presented you in your youth,
O sublime President, which hangs in the very next room, is indeed
the Speculum of the Ages, the mirror of Solomon which will answer all
questions. Why not pose the question to the mirror?"
"Very well, insh 'llah I shall return shortly with an answer.
Let none of you leave till I return!"
He departs ... and in a moment is back, looking sorely puzzled.
"Who," he demands, "is Wilson Goode?"
english.370dejanr,
I'm sorry about the typo, it should have been dual degree, but that article
was written at 1 or 2 in the morning.
What? oh thats right, now i have to right something funny.
How about another silly story about a braindead, idiotic user
who should be exterminated before they can reproduce.
Ok, so I'm kidding about extermination; besides sterilization
is just as effective and doesn't leave an ugly mess.
Alright the story {this actually happened} A lady asked for help
with her disk that couldnt be read.
The disks were badly bent and warped, which naturally
prompted me to ask why. She said typing the disk labels
individually was a hassle, so she stuck the label on the disk, and
ran THE WHOLE DISK through the typewriter. It was supposedly
hard to do, but she managed it.
No more spelling flames please, we are only human after all.
Data: Observation; I have committed an error in spelling.
Conclusion; I'M HUMAN! I'M HUMAN! After all these soul searching
episodes, I'M FINALLY HUMAN.
Besides, I'm an excellent speller. Ask my syster.
Don't make fun of your enemies, make fun of yourself. If you make
fun of yourself, your enemies won't have anything to laugh at.
JCS120 The Tinkster
english.371dejanr,
There are these two baby horses on a horse farm, Mike and Chuck. One
day they decide to have a race to see who the faster horse is. So
Mike and Chuck get ready to race - AND THEY'RE OFF...
It's Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Mike, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck,
Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck... around the old oak tree... it's
Mike, Chuck, Mike, Mike, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike,
Chuck, Mike, Chuck... AND CHUCK WINS!
So Mike says to Chuck, "I suppose you are the faster horse. Congradu-
lations, you win."
Both horses eventually grow up and are sold to different owners. About
a year later they meet up at the horse races. Mike is convinced he is
the faster horse of the two now, so he asks for another race. So Mike
and Chuck get ready to race - AND THEY'RE OFF...
It's Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Mike, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck,
Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck... around the bend... it's Mike, Mike,
Mike, Chuck, Mike, Mike, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike,
Chuck, Mike, Chuck... AND CHUCK WINS AGAIN!
So Mike says to Chuck once again, "I suppose you are still the faster
horse. Congradulations, you win again."
A few years later they meet up at a very large, prestiguge, horse race.
Mike has been working really hard and he hasn't lost a race in a long
time. He is convinced he can beat Chuck now, so he asks for another
race. So Mike and Chuck get ready to race - AND THEY'RE OFF...
It's Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Mike, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck,
Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck... around the bend... it's Mike, Mike
Mike, Chuck, Mike, Mike, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike,
Chuck, Mike, Chuck... AND CHUCK WINS AGAIN!
Now Mike is getting a little upset that he can't beat his old pal, but
he is a good sport about it and congradulates him just the same. Once
again, they go they're separate ways.
A year later they meet in the Kentucky Derby. Mike says to Chuck that
he will rest until they race again, because he knows that he can now
beat him. So Mike and Chuck get ready to race - AND THEY'RE OFF...
It's Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Mike, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck,
Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck... around the bend... it's Mike, Mike,
Mike, Chuck, Mike, Mike, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike,
Chuck, Mike, Chuck... AND CHUCK WINS AGAIN!!
Mike is getting very angry that he can't win against Chuck, but never-
the-less, he congradulates him.
Several years pass and Mike and Chuck are now old and retired and they
meet up at the "Old Horse's Farm." They recall old times and Mike
brings up the fact that he could never beat Chuck in a race. So Chuck
says, "I'll tell you what, old buddy, let's have one last race right
now. This time, though, I'll let you win! Will that make you happy?"
Mike says that this would make him very happy! So Mike and Chuck get
ready to race - AND THEY'RE OFF...
It's Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Mike, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck,
Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck... around the old oak tree... it's
Mike, Chuck, Mike, Mike, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike, Chuck, Chuck, Mike,
Chuck, Mike, Chuck... AND CHUCK WINS AGAIN!!!
Now Mike is really pissed! He starts screaming at Chuck, "YOU SAID
THAT YOU'D LET ME WIN THIS TIME! YOU LIED TO ME! I THOUGHT YOU WERE
MY FRIEND! ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS LET ME WIN THIS ONE RACE AND I
WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY IN MY OLD AGE!!!!"
And the pig that was watching the whole thing jumps in on Mike's side,
"I can't believe you did that, Chuck. That was a really rotten thing
to do to your old pal."
Mike and Chuck both look at the pig and Mike says to Chuck, "Look,
a talking pig."
english.372dejanr,
The following are old stories of stupid robbers:
----------------------------------------------------
A few years back, some poor fool decided to rob a bank on a Friday
afternoon. Stupid fellow that one. If he had looked across the street,
he would have realized that this bank was next to FBI headquarters, and
it was payday. Virtually every person in the bank was an agent! Needless
to say, this hapless fool got a quick lesson in law enforcement technique...
----------------------------------------------------
My cousin used to work for, er, qantel, and there were some boxes of
garbage sitting on the loading dock. You bet someone stole them, after all,
they were labled printer boxes and such!!
----------------------------------------------------
This reminds me of the stories which appeared in the press a few years
ago during a garbage strike in N.Y. Apparently, the cabbies started wrapping
up their garbage and putting it in the back of their cab. It was always gone
by the end of their shift.
----------------------------------------------------
In College Park, GA, a suburb of Atlanta, an armed man entered a La
Quinta hotel lobby with the intention of robbing the place. He pulled out
his gun and demanded money from the hotel clerk. The funny thing is that
the robber never noticed that there was a FULLY-UNIFORMED police officer
standing less than 15 feet away in the lobby. Not only that, but the hotel
security camera filmed the entire episode, including the arrest. The local
television stations showed the tape on the evening news.
----------------------------------------------------
The stupidest tricks I've heard of, though, are always bank robbers.
Like the guy who was caught walking back to the bank with a can of gas after
his car ran out of gas while he was in robbing the bank.
----------------------------------------------------
They managed to enter the place without setting off the alarm, but they
were unable to crack the safe by drilling holes in it or trying to hear the
tumblers fall. So they decided to blow the thing open. After a loud explosion
the safe was still locked tight, but the alarm had been set off. When they
got to the getaway car it wouldn't start. So they each ran off in a different
direction as the sirens approached. The police had no problem identifying
and apprehending them, though. One of them had left his wallet on the front
seat of the getaway car.
----------------------------------------------------
The other day, a South Carolina football player didn't want to be caught
with the goods, so he swallowed six rocks of crack.
He died a few hours later.
----------------------------------------------------
A mugger in NY city (about 1965) tried to mug (or rape) two women walking
through Central Park. It turned out they were roller derby queens, and they
walked on him with spike heels. I heard that he died later, but I'm not sure.
----------------------------------------------------
Two muggers in Albany NY (about 1970) tried to mug someone coming out
of a grocery store. He was walking his pit bull, using a funny black belt for a
leash.
----------------------------------------------------
Does anybody remember a few years back when two guys tried to hijack a
New York City subway train to Miami?
----------------------------------------------------
How about the bank robber in Champiagn IL. who robbed the bank one day
and return to the same bank the next day to deposit the money into his account
and even went to the same teller. Well the teller keep him busy while someone
called the police.
english.373dejanr,
Oh God, here we go again ...
% => user must run C- Shell.
$ => user must run Bourne-Shell
% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
% ar m God
ar: God does not exist
% "How would you rate Reagan's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
% \(-
(-: Command not found.
% sh
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
$ drink <bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found
$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create
english.374dejanr,
Scene: A VERY noisy party.
Person 1: Hi, great party, huh?
Person 2: What? (Remember it's very noisy)
1: Someone told me you have two PC's.
2: Ya, but the damn washroom is always busy.
1: I want a PS/2.
2: Fine, but you'll have to wait till I'm done.
1: Do you have a big hard disk?
2 (Suspiciously): Well, I guess, it's enough to get the job done.
1: You're lucky, I've only got a small floppy one.
2: I wouldn't worry. They tell me the size really doesn't matter.
1: Don't you believe it. Sure you can screw around with a few bytes,
but to do any serious business it needs to be large and reliable.
2: You sound like an expert.
1: Na, it's only common sense. If you're busy grinding away, and suddenly
your disk goes down, hell, man, you better be ready to get
backups and get going again.
2: You must rate pretty high with the broads.
1: Actually, no, at home I have only 300 baud and at the office 1200.
2: Com'on, who you trying to kid? Nobody's got 300 broads at home.
1: Ya, I know that's a pretty poor rate, but when I really want
to have some fun, I go to my friend's house. There I can
get 2 kilobaud.
2: (Walking off): Listen, buddy, you're either lying or sick,
so do me a favor and take it somewhere else.
1: (Shaking his head): Boy, I heard these micro-users were high-strung
but this is ridiculous.
english.375dejanr,
{ hi tad, the attribution is the headers. WHo his boss is I dont know }
From: BUNNY::"@RELAY.PRIME.COM:MAMIDON@FEDS4.PRIME.COM" 13-NOV-1990
11:01:42.6
7
Hi elboids! I'm back! I'll be preparing a trip report soon, but first
I thot I'd let y'all see this tid-bit I got from my boss:
____________________________________________________________________________
___ _____ ___
/ \ | | | | | | | | | / \
| | | |\ | |\ | | | | |
\___ | | | \ | | \ | |___ | | \___
\ | | | \ | | \ | | \ / \
| | | | \| | \| | \ /\ / |
\___/ \____/ | | | | |____ \/ \/ \___/
____________________________________________________________________________
November 8, 1990
YOU CAN'T FOOL 'EM DOWN ON THE FARM!
Real Americans talk About Why They Chose the Sun
SPARCstation 2000 (tm)
"Wow - with a workstation that powerful, I could get twice as
much milking done."
- Mrs. Elaine Noose, Scumwater, Oklahoma
"Out here on the farm, you really learn to appreciate the value
of good graphics resolution."
- Ted Lumplin, Brat's Head, Nebraska
"After we lost most of our cattle stock to pellegra, our barn
burned down. After that, Joe got himself caught in the thresher
and lost most of his body hair. Then the banks foreclosed. It
sure was a comfort to know that we had 28 MIPs of power to see us
through hard times."
- Darrell LaQuench, Pine Agony, Maine
"I believe that Virtual Quilting, using high-speed networking
services, will be the wave of the future."
- Mrs. Jane Dobrynin, Fleughh, Utah
"Last week we had a fella from Digital come out and look at the
soybean crop. After 20 minutes, Ma chased him off and threw his
keyboard out the window. We`re from old Norwegian stock, and we
know a thing or two about bus controllers."
- Buck Flange, Arkansas, Texas
Why has the SPARCstation 2000 caught the imagination of the Amer-
ican working man and working woman like no other computer in its
class? Maybe it's the extra features, like the padded Corinthean
leather screen, or the safety air bag that inflates when the
typing buffer gets too full. Maybe it's the tradition of honest
service and free doughnuts. Then again, maybe not.
Sun Microsystems. A Step Ahead of Your Cows.
english.376dejanr,
>From an old friend (who told me NEVER to use his name):
So there's Mac Beth looking over the parapet of the castle. To
his surprise Mac Duff and company have chopped down brush under
the cover of which they've snuck up to the foot of the castle,
fulfilling the prophesy of the three withches about Birnham Wood
coming to Dunsinane.
Sez Mac Beth: "Cheese it! The copse!"
english.377dejanr,
It seems there was this salesman who had to make a short business jaunt to
Boston. He'd heard about their reputation for good seafood, and planned
to try as much of it as possible.
Upon arriving at the airport, he found a taxi to take him into town. On the
way, he told the cabbie, "I want to get scrod while I'm here."
The cabbie looked at him in amazement. Finally, he commented, "Mister, over
the years I've heard people ask for sex a million times....but this is the
first time I've ever heard anyone use the pluperfect subjunctive."
Jean
english.378dejanr,
To the person who posted the long fortunes file: thanks a lot for
a bunch more neat quotes.
But the funniest thing to me was using a 50 line perl program, or
a 160 line C program, to do what I have done in awk in half an hour
with 4 lines of code. No doubt this is monstrously inefficient,
not 100% portable and horrifyingly inelegant, but it works and I
can keep my fortune file format real simple, to wit:
clever saying of no matter
how many lines
#
another clever saying
#
and so forth
No fiddling with line terminators ('\'s), numbers at the beginning of
each line (as some fortune programs I have seen), no limitations
on how many fortunes in the file, and so forth. Now I know
why new versions of software for my Mac double in size to add 10-15%
more functionality.
Disclaimer: This is not a sales pitch for awk, jsut for doing a job
the simplest way with the tools at hand. I know next to nothing
about programming, but I DO know every Unix system I have ever seen
has roughly the same awk on it.
Oh...here's the awk program (with minimal comments). Works on Ultrix and
some other Unixes, doesn't on AIX 3.1.
:
nfort=`awk 'BEGIN{RS="#"}END{print NR}' .fortunes`
a=`expr $$ % $nfort` <-- randomize (crudely) which fortune to pick
echo $a":"$nfort <- prints the number of the fortune that will be
printed, and the total number in the file
awk 'BEGIN{RS="#"}NR == NREC' NREC=$a .fortunes
english.379dejanr,
This guy from the city is putting in 60hrs a week, dealing with long
commutes through traffic every day and coming home to a dingy little
apartment in a bad neighborhood. He figures one day 'This sucks!
I'm gonna spend some time in the country duck hunting.' He really
needs to get away from it.
So the next week he's out there standing in the freezing water at
4am, waiting. A couple of days go by. He's pissed. No ducks in
sight so far.
Finally, after five days, the last day of his vacation, a flock of
ducks fly by. He giggles maniacly as he pumps rounds into the air.
They all fly by and he's about ready to turn the gun on himself.
Out of no where, a straggling duck flies by and this guy wings him
with his very last shot. The duck falls.
Slogging through the swamp, then through thickets and fields he
goes, looking for the freaking duck. He goes over a hill and comes
to a fence marking the edge of a farm. He looks around and sees
the duck, dead, on the roof of the barn. Carefully he climbs over
the fence and is stopped immediately by the owner of the farm.
He tells the farmer of the horror he went through for that duck on
the barn. Farmer says 'It fell on my land so its mine, that's the
way we do things in the country son.' The guy says 'I did all the
fucking work to get the thing so its MINE - THAT'S the way we look
at it in the city!' The farmer says 'Get off my land or I'll get
my boys to kick your ass off - that's the way we do things in
the country.' The guy can't believe it. He says 'I'm not leaving
without the duck and if you don't give it to me I'll get my
lawyer - that's the way we do things in the city.'
The farmer thinks about it and says 'There's another way to settle
this. Here in the country when we have a dispute like this, the
two guys take turns kicking each other in the balls. They do it
over and over and whoever's left standing wins the argument. I'll
go first.' The guy thinks about it and says 'You're on!' so the
farmer proceeds to land a solid one right in the guy's crotch.
The guy is bent over and heaving and writhing in pain - but still
standing. He gasps out 'Ok.....My....My Turn....' to which the
farmer replies 'Aw fuck it! You can have the duck!'
english.380dejanr,
> Okay people,
>
> I've got a name for you. (and this is TRUE)
> This would not be too bad unless......
> your parents gave you the first name of Ivan!
> But to top it all of.... just suppose this person
> was to become a minister in a denomination where
> ministers are called brother. Imagine introducing
> BROTHER IVAN ODOR. Just hope the other person
> doesn't say, "yes you do!"
>
> (laugh now)
>
> CCC
>
> Imagine being born into the Odor family.
Grady Nutt, the Southern Baptist preacher turned comedian,
told this same story some years ago. I recommend any of his
recorded material.
OBJOKE: A woman having an extramarital affair has her lover
in her apartment for any early afternoon session while her
husband is assumed to be at work. While sucking face and
peripheral activities are occuring, she hears her husband
raging down the hallway to their front door. She tells her
lover "Quick! Run and hide. If he catches you here, he'll
kill you!" So the man runs to hide moments before the husband
enters. The husband enters, realizes the man has hidden, and
proceeds to search through the entire apartment for the lover.
After looking in every concievable hiding place, the husband
goes to look on the balcony. On the balcony protruding out
beyond and below his own balcony, he sees a man in his underwear.
Convinced that this is the lover, the husband goes to his own
kitchen, picks up his refrigerator, takes it to the balcony and
drops it on the man below. About fifteen minutes later in heaven,
a man walks up to the Pearly Gates and asks St. Peter if he can
enter. St. Peter responds "First I need to know how you died."
"Well, I was on a balcony and someone dropped a refrigerator on
me." SP responds "Wait one minute please". Another man walks
up and also asks to go in. "How did you die?" asks SP. "I dropped
a refrigerator on someone, had a heart attack and died." SP tells
him to wait a moment too. A third man walks up to SP and again
asks to go in. SP again says "How did you die?" The man
says, "Well, I was in this refrigerator . . ."
english.381dejanr,
Here're a couple:
WHat do you call a gay Dinosaur...?
A: A megasoreass.
And.....:
There's this (bisexual) guy who works at a pickle factory. His job is at the
thing where the machine puts the lids on the jars of pickles. This machine
is right next to the pickle slicer.
EVERY day and night, this guy just FANTASIZES about the pickle slicer. He
cannot get it off his mind. It occupies all his thoughs, and he gets
excited every time he thinks about it.
Finally, one day, it gets to be too much, and he sticks his dick in it. His
boss just so happened to be walking by, sees him, and fires him.
So, the guy goes home dejected and all sad, and goes to his lover, "I got
fired today."
His gay lover gasps and walks up to him and takes off his pants.
"Well.... You're dick's fine. What happened to the pickle slicer...?"
"Oh, he got fired too."
Heh heh heh. I _slay_ myself.
english.382dejanr,
1. What's long and tubular and full of semen? (This joke must
be done orally.)
2. What does a dog do that a man steps into?
3. What's a four letter word that ends in "k" and means
intercourse?
4. What four letter word begins with "F", ends with "K", and
if you can't get one you have to use your hand?
5. What does a man have that gets bigger as you stroke it?
6. What's hard, long, has two nuts and can make a girl fat?
7. What part of a man's body enlarges to approximately three
times its normal size when excited?
8. What word starts with a "C", ends with a "T" and means
pussy?
9. What's wrinkled and smells like ginger?
Answers:
1. A submarine
2. pants
3. talk
4. fork
5. his ego
6. almond joy
7. pupils
8. cat
english.383dejanr,
What if on Valentine's day, all the computer screens used by
the Iraqi military all of a sudden, blanked out and printed the
line:
"cookie monster wants a cookie"
english.384dejanr,
Q: What do you call the ice that collects under cars in winter?
A1: Slush puppies
A2: Fender fungus
A3: Sandy And Dirty, Dangling And Messy, Horrible Utterly Sleazy
Slush, Execrable In Nastiness. (spells SADDAM HUSSEIN)
english.385dejanr,
January 1, 1991 - AULDLANXEITY (old lang zi' et ee) n. The experience of
waking up on New Year's Day with an awesome hangover and wondering how much
of a fool you made of yourself the night before.
January 2, 1991 - UHFAGE (uhf' aj) n. A unit of measure for determining a
television's age, that is, the amount of time it takes for the picture
to appear once the set has been turned on.
LOCKOBLANKO (lok' oh blan' ko) n. The trauma of returning to school from
Christmas vacation and being unable to remember one's locker combination.
FATFINETUNER (fat' fyn toon' ur) n. The nob at the top of the bathroom scale.
PIETROD (py' trod) n. The three legged plastic device in a pizza box that
prevents the cheese from sticking to the lid.
NOCTURNUGGETS (nok' ter nuh gitz) n. Deposits found in one's eye upon
awakening in the morning. Also called GOZZAGAREENA,
OPTIGOOK, EYEHOCKEY, etc.
CHECKUARY (chek' yew air ee) n. The thirteenth month of the year. Begins
New Year's Day and ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing
the OLD year on their check.
CAFFIDGET (ka fij' it) v. The act of breaking up a Styrofoam coffee cup
into several hundred pieces after consuming it's contents.
SHWEE (shwee) n. The sound made by the door opening and closing
on "Star Trek".
FORECASTROPHY (for kas' tro fee) n. The art of making those crazy little
symbols for weather maps on the 10:00 news (e.g., a giant
umbrella on the east coast signifying hail).
DESTINESIA (des tin ee' zha) n. The act of entering a room and forgetting why.
NOFLET (nahf' lit) n. The upward swirl of hair found on certain individuals
such as Ronald Reagan and Big Boy.
GANGLOOT (gan' glewt) n. The person who leaves all his ski passes on his
jacket just to impress people.
BLEEMUS (blee' mus) n. The disgusting film on the top of soups and cocoa
that have been sitting out too long.
GANTAGE (gant' aj) n. The property of being in the last stage of life
and almost as old as Mike Harris.
Also see the reference under "Alan Gant".
TWINCH (twinch) n. The movement a dog makes with its head when it hears a
high-pitched noise.
DIESELQUEASELITIS (dee' zel kwee zel eye' tus) - n. The distinct odor and
subsequent feeling one gets when following an
eighteen-wheeler, passenger bus or diesel powered
automobile down the highway.
BOWLIKINETICS (boh lih kih neh' tiks) - n. The act of trying to control a
released bowling ball by twisting one's body in the direction
one wants it to go.
TRAFFILAPSE (traf' ih laps) - n. The immeasurable amount of time between the
moment the traffic light changes and the jerk behind you starts
blowing his horn. Sometimes referred to as "A New York Minute".
GESUNDTIME (guh zoon' tym) - n. That agonizing moment between the detection of
an imminent sneeze and its actual execution.
FOODGITIVES (food' juh tivz) - n. The individual vegetables (or Tater Tots)
in a TV dinner tray that escape over the
wall into the Salisbury Steak Zone.
SNIGLETITIS (snig let i'tis) - n. The compulsive obsession of posting a
sniglet in messages everyday.
MAILVALANCH (Mail-va'-lanch) The massive amount of mail one has waiting
for them after a brief or extended absence from work.
MAILVALANCHAPHOBIA (Mail-va'-lanch-a-fobia) A fear of logging in in the
morning due to the probability of a mailvalanch.
MAILRECOIL (Mail-ri-koil) The act of receiving several answers to one's
mail while trying to answer the currently unanswered mail.
BIBBLAGE (bib' lij) - n. The angle of one's body while scanning the library
shelf.
english.386dejanr,
Edward Gorey is an illustrator. If you've ever seen the PBS "Mystery"
series, the opening animated sequence is his work. He has put out a
number of books, one of which I received as a Christmas gift, _Amphigorey_.
The Gashley Crumb Tinies is one of at least two alphabets he illustrated.
They appeal to an "unusual" sense of humor. I like to think of them as
a take-off of those old Puritanical books for children, where the basic
message was usually something like "eat your vegetables, or you will die
a horrible death."
He also put out _Amphigorey Two_ and _Amphigorey Also_. All three of the
books I mentioned are large collections of several smaller works. _Amphigorey_
is excellent, and I'm sure the others are just as good. Does anyone
have them? Any comments?
Joey
english.387dejanr,
Why have they started experimenting on lawyers instead of laboratory rats?
Three reasons.....
1. There are more lawyers than there are rats.
2. The scientists don't get emotionally involved with the lawyers.
3. There are some things a rat JUST WON'T DO!
english.388dejanr,
How about this one folks.
Three men die in an accident and go to heaven. They are met at the gates
by Saint Peter. "In heaven", says Peter, "you are rewarded according to the
lives you led on earth". He then asks the first man, "What kind of life did
you lead"? The first man confesses, "I had numerous affairs with many women".
"In that case", said Peter, "you get to drive a Mini in heaven". Suddenly a
Mini appears and the first man jumps in and drives away. Then the second man
is questioned. "What kind of life did you lead?", Peter asks. The man confesses
"I had one affair". "In that case", said Peter, "you get to drive a Porsche
in heaven". Suddenly a Porsche appears and the second man jumps in and drives
away happily. Peter then asks the third man "What kind of life did you lead"?
The third man says "I have had no affairs and I have been very faithful".
"In that case", said Peter, "you get to drive a Rolls Royce". Sure enough, a
roller suddenly appears and the third man jumps in and drives away.
Then one day, the third man is driving his Rolls Royce and overtakes his
wife on a skateboard!!
english.389dejanr,
Question: What do you call a mushroom that buys all the drinks?
Answer: A fun guy to be with.
Fun guy = Fungi, yes? Ohhh, please yerselves.....
english.390dejanr,
Recently, there was a keen and incisive piece on the differences between the
the pronouncements made by the Iraqi media, and the truth. With a sense of
humour honed to perfection, the author trenchantly, yet eloquently, laid
waste the claims of Saddam Hussain's propaganda machine.
However, recent reports by the press seem to indicate that the participants
in Operation Desert Storm have not let their imaginations rest. So, since
turnabout is fair play, what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander,
and the bathtub is still aglow with brightly coloured machine tools, let us
ponder the following ...
Statement : "We have completed over 10,000 missions last week", he remarked,
his visage suffused with the blush of modest pride.
Fact : Last week, 10,000 flights originated at our air bases. We have in-
cluded in this figure refueling flights, civilian flights, all deviant Delta
Airlines flights, pizza deliveries, and the all-important flights of fancy.
We are also, for the moment, including flights made by our personnel to the
"facilities", brought upon by consumption of spicy Arabic food. In this con-
text, in all fairness, we have not included the success rate of payloads
dropped.
Statement : "We have had an 80% success rate", said the general, with
resolute jaw thrust boldly upward.
Fact : In 80% of the missions we have undertaken, we have dropped our pay-
loads. In some cases, we have even, with stern resolve, hit targets. Howev-
er, we acknowledge that the carpet bombing of the Tibetan Dalai Lama HQ
represented an error in judgement, when one of our fine airmen mistook
altitude for latitude.
Statement : "We have flattened their nucular (sic) capabilities", said a
grim Chief, teeth clenched in an all too common display of grit
and lust.
Fact : We have bombed beyond recognition a factory that resembled the Three
Mile Island plant, with a clear sign in front that read "Primary Nuclear
Manufacturing Unit/Infant Formula Division, Allah be merciful !".
Statement : "Their communications system has been demolished", the spokesman
continued, "cutting off all contact within their armed forces".
A murmur of admiration filled the room.
Fact : The entire Iraqi 900- and 976- lines have been systematically dis-
rupted. We have re-wired the perennial favourite, the "Curse The Satanic
West" 900- number to the MTV request line, and are in the process of disman-
tling the toll-free lines that were earlier used by Saddam Hussain to order
armaments and chemicals for his war against Iran.
Statement : "The Republican Guards have being decimated", remarked the
Chairman Of The Joint Chiefs Of Staff In Command Of Allied
Forces Worldwide For The Shielding And Subsequent Storming Of
The Desert", his eyes a-twinkle with barely concealed
merriment.
Fact : We have impressed deeply upon the Iraqi elite Republican Guard troops
the need to convert to a metric system of measurement.
Have a nice day !
english.391dejanr,
On our Unix system I've made up a file called README
which just contains the following line:
README: not found
Lots of fun when people try to read it.
Charlie_Gibbs@mindlink.UUCP
"I'm cursed with hair from HELL!" -- Night Court
english.392dejanr,
(Hint: you might want to make sure there are no users on the system first.)
=============
make 'heads or tails of all this'
=============
man -kisses dog
=============
Try man 'your asshole'....
=============
$ sleep with me
sleep: bad character in argument
=============
make bottle.open
System response: Make: Don't know how to make bottle.open. Stop
make mistake
System response: Make: Don't know how to make mistake. Stop
Personally I think that our system is a sober ego-maniac that's still a virgin.
=============
>From csh, try this:
% \(-
(The response will have you wondering if csh has *any* sense of humor at
all...)
english.393dejanr,
Hi,
Someone wanted the "intelligent" replies give by computer on
UNIX. Reposted on request.
While using UNIX, try the following commands for results that can be
quite hilarious!
=============
>From csh, try this:
^What is saccharine?
=============
Try 'rm God'.
On most systems it says "rm: God nonexistent" - different
=============
% Unmatched ".
=============
Try "man woman".
=============
And, on system 5, there is always `Why did the Morris the cat starve when
locked in the 9-lives warehouse?'
cat "food in cans"
=============
Try "cat food".
=============
'Xcuse me. Should have read: Try "cat catfood". Much cuter this way.
=============
Typing "make sense" works, too.
=============
Using the ol' Bourne shell (sh) try this one:
drink < bottle
It should come back and say
bottle: cannot open
=============
How about "sleep with me"?
=============
Also try %make love
This will show the truth about those geeks who wrote unix...
=============
man: Why did you get a divorce?
=============
drink < bottle; opener
=============
Another fun category (only limited by your imagination 8-):
Try, using the Bourne sh (on a BSD system):
PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
=============
>It should come back and say
>
> bottle: cannot open
On a BSD system (still thirsty)
sccs what bottle
gives:
can't open bottle (26)
I admit it can become hard after such a number ;-).
=============
Try:
man ' automatic insertion'
or :
man rear
=============
It's always amusing to have junk files like 'food' or 'shit' lying
around in your $HOME directory. That way you can amaze all your friends
by typing
cat food
or
cat shit
=============
% sleep with me
bad character
%
=============
O.K. If you are logged in to a 3B2 as root, try
english.394dejanr,
> f88-som@nada.kth.se (Sead Omerov) writes:
> %
> %From: engrand%nepjt@ncsuvx.ncsu.edu (Philippe Engrand)
> %
> %> --> Y'a pas que le cul dans la vie ... Y'a les seins aussi ! (PhE) --<
> %> |------------------------------------------------------------------|
> %> | Y'a pas que le cul dans la vie ... Y'a les seins aussi ! (PhE) |
> %> |__________________________________________________________________|
> %
> %And what kinda rot is this ?
> %Has gotta be rotX, where X is some stupid random-number that
> %keeps changing from character to character coz i dont
> %understand a thing.
>
> Well Sead let me help you out.
> Vous le vous frog ?
> It translates as
> Frenchmen ! Please Don't eat the big white mints in the lavatory.
> :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
Alright then, lets see...
The only word used twice in both sentences in your clue is "vous" and "the".
It must then be that "vous" = "the",
that makes "le" = "Frenchmen ! Please dont eat".
Yea, that must be it.
But Philippe had two sentences in his .sig, that's a bit harder; lets see
what we can make out..... hmmmm......
OK, I got it now, it has got to be this:
Him: Why didnt you tell me you were a virgin ?
Her: Why didnt you wait until I got my tights off ?
Yup, thats it.
Heureka, its decoded.
Thanks Ed, we are an unbeatable team in decoding, you and me.
english.395dejanr,
MORE IRAQI J0KES
----------------
Q: How do you get 15 Iraqis into a matchbox?
A: Tell them it's not their's.
The Red D.j
english.396dejanr,
In the wake of news reports concerning "Civilian targets" being bombed -
There is a report that the Iraquii National Library was totally destroyed
by Allied bombings.
Both of Iraq's books were destroyed.
The worst part is, one wasn't even finished being colored in !
english.397dejanr,
What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk!
( A physicist's joke )
How much energy does a relativistic cockroach have?
I don't know, ask an experimentalist.
english.398dejanr,
There was a song I heard last summer that said:
The only good years we had were the ones on the car.
english.399dejanr,
As a pizza delivery guy for the past two years, (Godfather's Pizza)
I have come up with my ten pet peeves of delivering pies to the
Tallahasse area.
10. Sorority girls who sing and dance as I knock on the door.
9. Grandma Jones in the Caddy out for a Sunday drive.
8. Delivering sandwiches.
7. 5 orders to the downtown area during rush hour.
6. RAIN!!!!
5. Little 2 yr old who yanks on my belt loop saying:
"give me pizza......give me pizza" (TRI-DELT material)
4. Customer give me about 13 rolls of nickels for the order.
3. Hitting speed bumps at 40 mph and having lunch right off
the dashboard.
2. NO F*CKING TIPS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. The fat lady in a towel who bends over to get the quarter
that I dropped while admiring her mustache!
english.400dejanr,
< After a long day of skiing, 3 guys go up to their hotel room. They undress
< and go to sleep in a large king size bed together. The next morning, the
< two guys on the outside wake up saying, "Oh, my dick aches like hell...I
< wonder why??!?!?"
< The middle guy wakes up and says, "hey guys! I had an awesome dream that
< I was skiing down this great mountain!"
I have heard a much more colorful verison of that joke, but unfortunately
I don't have the time to post all the jokes I know. You beat me to it,
but for the next time around, I post the other version below:
Three guys go skiing together, one of whom is gay. It turns out that
there is only one hotel room available at the lodge, so they are forced to
room together. Worse than that, there is only *one* bed. But they have
no choice, so they take the room.
They lie down to go to sleep, the gay guy in the middle. When they
wake up the next morning, they asked each other politely whether they slept
okay. One of the straight guys reveals that he had a very erotic dream in
which a gorgeous woman was giving him a hand job.
"What a coincidence." says the other straight guy. "I had the same
dream!"
"Oh, my dream wasn't nearly as good," said the gay guy; "I was bombing
down the mountain and I lost my poles."