english.1.obj,
City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam
Name: _____________________ Gang: _____________________
1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10
shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by
shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. If Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson
for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street
value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick,
how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his
$800 per day crack habit?
4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit.
How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a
4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he
have to steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the
hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money
will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he
get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average
letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3
cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the
gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
english.2.obj,
What the world is like in TV land:
1. If a women is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
2. Your car will always start immedaitely unless you are being chased
by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.
3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
4. The suburbs are exciting.
5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
6. Good guys are always outnumbered.
7. Good guys always win and get the girl.
8. Good guys are always good looking.
9. Ugly people are always bad guys.
10. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
12. Court cases are all solved with a suprise witness.
13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.
14. Cars will explode in all accidents.
15. Everyone has a 'dark' secret.
16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
17. Haunted houses are never locked.
18. The police are smart.
19. Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.
20. All Chinese people know Karate.
21. Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
22. Rich people are unhappy.
23. Teenagers are smarter than their parents.
24. Indians make good cannon fodder.
25. Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.
26. Computers never crash.
a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their PC's.
b) Computers know everything.
c) The same 2 keys are used to do everything
d) The user is typing constantly just to display screens of info
27. When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood
from the corner of their mouth.
28. No one farts, except after eating beans.
29. Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 ot 40 bad guys.
30. Bad guys make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but
never stick around to see if it works.
31. Christmas Eve and halloween night last for three or four days.
32. Movies based on true stories are made up.
33. Police never wait for back-up.
34. Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.
35. Private detective work is glamorous.
36. All baseball games will be wom with a home run in the bottom of
the ninth and two outs.
37. All police killings are in self-defense.
38. Everyone wins in Las Vegas.
39. Good guys don't take drugs.
40. The world is teaming with voluptuous, young women who are desperate
to have sex with pennyless young guys.
41. Nobody ever has trouble finding good parking spots when they are in
a hurry.
42. High School students look thirty years old.
43. Women never do housework, but their homes are always clean.
44. Street vendor's carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed
car chases.
45. Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.
46. To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 min before sunset.
47. Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that
everyone that went into that dark cellar never came out.
48. The group always splits up to look for the alien.
49. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot.
50. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will be stretched out for 20
minutes with commercials.
51. The crazed killer always steps out from behind the door without the
victim seeing or hearing him until the he is about to drive a huge
carving knife or pitchfork into them.
52. Whenever someone hears a noise in the dark they always have to
check it out.
53. The crazed killer always walks and still catches the person he wants
to kill.
54. All people chasing someone can catch up to a constant distance
behind them quickly, but can't use that speed to actually catch
the person they're chasing.
55. No-one *ever* locks a car when they get out of it (even in NY).
english.3.obj,
About 38 miles east of Shreveport on I-20 there is a sign for
Goodwill Road
Ammunition Plant
Makes you wonder what they would put on a road dedicated to *really*
bad will...
english.4.obj,
Chip is a family friend, very fun loving, and a die-hard boater. His wife
Karen, isn't quite as avid a boater as Chip, and their 15 year old
daughter Kelly doesn't really care one way or another about boats. About
5 years ago they bought a 33 foot sailboat which they use for cruising in
the New England area.
Early on, Chip bought an autopilot for the sailboat so that they wouldn't
have to keep the tiller manned at all times. Kelly affectionately named
the autopilot "Otis", and the name has stuck ever since. More recently
Chip purchased a device known as a "life sling", which can be used to pull
people out of the water if they fall overboard.
One evening Chip was trying to explain to Karen how to use the life sling.
Kelly was reading a book nearby and didn't appear to be paying any
attention to her parents. Karen didn't seem to be too interested in
learning how to use the life sling, which was frustrating Chip. He
finally asked her, "Well then what will you do if I'm the one who falls
overboard some day?". Kelly, without even looking up from her book,
replied, "Drive on, Otis!".
english.5.obj,
Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest song?
"Don't let your son go down on me."
english.7dejanr,
==========
internet/services #175, from rcook, 255 chars, Fri Oct 8 14:31:14 1993
Comment to 172. Comment(s).
----------
There's another problem: Harassment of female users. Apparently
it's fairly common even here on Bix and it can be a _real_ problem
out on the net.
We don't want folks' addresses and phone numbers automatically
available to anyone who fingers them.
--RC
==========
internet/services #177, from bbrown, 230 chars, Fri Oct 8 21:50:14 1993
Comment to 175. Comment(s).
----------
>who fingers them...
A female friend told me recently, "You can ping me all you want but
if you finger me you'll get slapped."
Sorry. I couldn't resist. True story, too. (I couldn't invent
something that clever.)
english.8asterix,
Do you know why six is afraid of seven?
...
Because 7 8 9
No no dummy ... because seven ate nine :))
english.9steva,
What is the difference between a girl and a sijalica?
You can't unscrew the girl.
english.11spantic,
DAVE: "Them special effects is fantastic!" (grin) "Tonight's category is:
Top 15 reasons DOOM's release was delayed to December 10th. Here we
go..."
15. Added near death sequence when player is shot full of holes.
14. Added networking capability via spaghetti noodles.
13. "If Origin can do it, so can we."
12. They want to ensure it won't run under Windows.
11. Currently using DOOM as negotiating tool to get Ukraine to give up nukes.
10. Fighting lawsuit from Apogee claiming DOOM is their 'intellectual
property'. (for those Letterman fans)
9. They want to increase fourth quarter earnings.
8. The bosses wife wants to 'redecorate' the levels.
7. They want to make a politically correct version.
6. id aspires to be the next Microsoft.
5. NASA lost the source code.
4. Bill's waiting for Hillary's permission to release game. (oops,
sorry, that's the Health Care Reform Package)
3. John's dog ate his computer.
2. Ran out of bug spray.
DAVE: "And the number one reason DOOM's release was delayed..."
1. They want the game's release to be just in time for Christmas shopping.
----------
english.12spantic,
Well, here we are waiting another 2-3 months [for DOOM]. What else
can we do?
1) Search the InterNet for Beta Version.
2) See if we can go through Wolfenstein 3-D with our eyes closed.
3) Use MapEdit/WolfEdit to make Wolfenstein 3-D "look like" DOOM.
4) Find out where the id "lab" is and "encourage" them.
5) Watch the new 90210 episode!
6) See if Blake Stone or Rampage will be any good.
7) Upload the Lemmings Demo as "DOOM10.ZIP" and see what happens.
8) Get girlfriends and drop them on 12/10/93, unless they like DOOM and
have a computer with a modem.
9) Or lastly, look at DOOM slides and "pretend" we are playing.
english.13.obj,
The University of Maryland recently installed an upgraded version of the
Unix newsreader, which includes a spell checker. Testing it out, I was
amused to see this message as part of its output:
---- mispelled words ----------------------------------------
english.14index,
Izvinjavam se zbog header-a, ali vrede kao uvod.
From ubbg.etf.uni-bg.yu!"buef78::mitovs05691d" Fri, 19 Nov 1993 18:16:36 CET re
mote from fon
Received: from fon by sezam.UUCP (UUPC/extended 1.11x) with UUCP;
Fri, 19 Nov 1993 18:16:36 CET
Received: from ubbg.etf.uni-bg.yu by fon.uucp id aa11760; 19 Nov 93 12:56 MET
Date: Fri, 19 Nov 1993 13:03:29 GMT+0200
From: "BUEF78::MITOVS05691D"@UBBG.ETF.UNI-BG.YU (NENAD MITOVSKI)
Message-Id: <931119130329.b47@UBBG.ETF.UNI-BG.YU>
To: index%sezam.yu@fon.fon.uni-bg.yu
X-Vmsmail-To: UBBG::SMTP%"index%sezam.yu@fon.fon.uni-bg.yu"
From: BUEF78::MITIC_26691D 19-NOV-1993 12:29
To: MITOVS05691D
Subj:
From: BUEFQ5::JOVANO37592D 4-NOV-1993 19:28
To:
MILOJE19692D,DAMNJA32692D,PAVLOV49192D,MISIC_32892D,OSMOKR04892D,GRUJIC1689
2D,BUEF78::MITIC_26691D,MLADEN14692D,KLACAR01692D,RAKOCE05192D,BASIC_32592D
Subj: dabogda se usrecili
From: DECBG::KATE 4-NOV-1993 15:30
To: BUEFQ5::JOVANO37592D, BUEFQ5::STEVAN35489D, BUEFQ5::DRAJIC30289D,
BUEF78::V
UJKOV20489D, UNSIM::IBANDIN, BUEF78::MARKOV30090D, BUEF78::MANOJL39991D, DOKTOR
, NIKOLA, BUEFQ5::ANDRIJ20689D
Subj: morala sam ...
From: DECBG::HRIST "Miroslav Hristodulo, Beograd, Jugoslavija"
3-NOV-19
93 23:08:47.49
To:
JELENA,KATE,UBBG::EPEKOVIC,UBBG::EKIRCANS,UBBG::EMARINKA,UBBG::EPAVLOVA,UBB
G::ERISTAN,UBBG::EMILICM,UBBG::EMARKOV
CC:
Subj: ovo mu dodje kao neko pismo srece, :)
From: DECBG::DMIRIC "Miric Dragan, Etf Beograd" 3-NOV-1993 22:35:09.15
To: JOHNNY,DARONE,DEX,DRACKOV,HRIST,KUKI,VOJKAN,ZIGA,OSTOJA,DINGO
CC:
Subj: Ubbgg::esokic je kriv. A da mu dam disuser ;>>>>
From: UBBG::ESOKIC 3-NOV-1993 15:00:36.02
To: BECKA, SALE, SRDJAN, DRAJA, PJEVA, EMITROVN, DECBG::DMIRIC, EGLISIN,
BUEF78
::PANTEL18191D, UNSIM::MTRIFUN, DECBG::ZOLIKA, EZONJIC
CC:
Subj: Evo sad vama, pa se snadjite... ;)
From: UNSIM::ICUTURI 3-NOV-1993 14:48:16.15
To: UBBG::ESOKIC
CC:
Subj: I had to, sorry ...
From: UNSIM::IHUJDUR "Darko Hujdurovic PMF-Novi Sad" 3-NOV-1993
12:43:09.
74
To: ICUTURI
CC:
Subj: Salji dalje.
WITH SEX ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE
This paper has been sent to you for good luck. The original has been
worn out from having passed through the hands of so many people. It
had travelled around the world 69 times SDear Reader: please help keep
this count current. If this letter falls into your hands after just
completing one more circuit of the world, please add one to the
count.
The luck has now been sent to you. You will experience great sex
within four days of receiving this letter, provided you send it on!
Since the copy must tour the world, you must make ten copies and
send them to others. This is no joke. Send no money. Send copies
to people who need to get laid within 96 hours.
After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control Officer got
his penis stuck in a cow-milking machine and had the longest series
of ograsms of his life. John Elliot tried to pick up a prositute,
but, because he broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead.
When they searched his home, they found magazines of little boys which
they showed to his neighbours. In a suburb of Paris, Don Loray's
trousers were ripped by an unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing
to circulate the letter. However, before this happened, a condom
machine gave him three condoms for the price of one. (was this the
consolation prize?)
Do note the following: Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953.
He asked his secretary to make ten copies and send them out. A
few days later he encountered her in a red-light district making
more than he had every paid her at work. General George Patton,
who sent the letter on, saw what he thought was a quarter in the
street. When he bent down to pick it up, a beautiful woman in a
miniskirt walked by, and he got a great view. His aide, Colonel
Roger Bumswiver, who did not pass on the letter, tried to pick up
a similar object but was fucked up the ass by a desperate gay when
he bent over. Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received
the letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours.
His wife then went bowling with his best friend and never returned.
Later, after finding the letter again, he mailed ten copies. A
few days later he got a wife and discovered that his old wife, who
he thought was wonderful, had made love to him like a dead salmon
for all these years! Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not
believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he spilled hot
coffee in his crotch.
In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was faded and
barely readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph applied
to her. She promised herself she would retype the letter and send
it on, but she put it aside to do later. She was plagued with
problems including herpes and other venereal diseases she contracted
in her futile attempts to find Mr. Right in a singles bar. The letter
did not leave her hands in 96 hours. She finally typed the letter
and found a man with a 10-inch penis.
You must distribute at least ten copies within 96 hours of
receiving this letter. Those who do will find their love lives more
fulfilling. Those who do not will be doomed to one-night stands with
mechanical devices.
english.17spantic,
Top 10 Things To Do
Until DOOM arrives
10. Get a marker and change boxes of George Lucas's "LOOM" to "DOOM" to
confuse over-anxious gamers.
9. Issue bogus press release from the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientist,
saying the DOOMsday clock will strike midnight sometime before
September 30, 1993.
8. Get a date with someone from L7.
7. When feeling depressed due to the wait, chant the B.J. Blaskowitz mantra,
"This is my rifle, This is my gun,
This is for killing, this is for fun.
6. Memorize the July Computer Gaming World, pages 104-5, preview of DOOM.
5. Get network and sound card installed on all systems at the office.
4. Make DOOM acronyms, like
"Dantes Obsessive Outrageous Marauders"
3. Tell boss I'll need two weeks vacation on very short notice during the
third quarter, due to pending family crisis.
2. Figure a way to persuade Id to allow imports of faces on monsters, so
we can make creatures like the:
Sunnunu Bloated Beast, the Michael Bolton Shrieker, and the Ex-Wife
from Hell, where she belongs.
1. Try and make friends with the Big Blue guys from Wolfie;
We might need help this time.
english.18darone,
Još iskopanog...
=========================
7216 Za mensa
Od pstojkov 02.08.92. 17:58 4023 chr
---------------------------------------------------
Ovo je izbor citata (u originalu) koje nam je pripremio Djurica Miodrag.
Pojedine rečenice, ili fraze, bez obzira što su izvađene iz
konteksta mogu dovoljno dobro da opišu suštinu neke stvari. Ova "selekcija"
nije rađena sa namerom da bude edukativna (kao npr. "Latinski citati"):
1) Is sex dirty ? Only if it's done right.
W.Allen
2) Eternal nothingness is OK if you're dressed for it.
W.allen
3) The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf
won't get much sleep.
W.Allen
4) Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
W.Allen
5) The future is not what it was.
A.Clark
6) Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.
W.H.Auden
7) BORE - a person who talks when you wish him to listen.
A.Bierce
8) BRAIN - an apparatus with which we think that we think.
A.Bierce
9) CANNON - an instrument employed in the rectification of
national boundaries.
A.Bierce
10) FUTURE - that period of time in which our affairs prosper,
our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
A.Bierce
11) PEACE - in international affairs, a period of cheating
between two periods of fighting.
A.Bierce
12) RIOT - a popular entertainement given to the military by
innocent bystanders.
A.Bierce
13) Play it, Sam. Play "As Times Goes By".
H.Bogart
14) Play it again, Sam.
I.Bergman
15) All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and
a pretty girl.
C.Chaplin
16) I don't believe in mathematics.
A.Einstein
17) Everything should be made as simple as possible,
but not simpler.
A.Einstein
18) Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you
can do for your country.
J.F.Kennedy
19) Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
G.Marx
20) Any man who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot.
G.Marx
21) I never forget a face, but I'll make an exception in
your case.
G.Marx
22) Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to
any club that will accept me as a member.
G.Marx
24) Everything is funny as long as it's happening to someone else.
25) God is dead - Nietzsche.
Nietzsche is dead - God.
26) Is there intelligent life on Earth ?
Yes, but I'm only visiting.
27) Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
28) When I'm good I'm very very good, but when I'm bad I'm better.
Mae West
29) Sometimes you can't prove it.
You need to do it.
30) I know you believe you understand what you think I said,
but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
31) In the beginning the Universe was created...
This made a lot of people angry and has been widely regarded
as a bad move.
D.Adams
32) There is an art, it says, or, rather, a knack to flying. The
knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
D.Adams
33) It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems
just with potatoes.
D.Adams
------------------------------------------- 7216---
english.19drndi,
A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS OF A DIGITATED, MAMMALIAN BIPED
ELEMENT : Female Human
CHEMICAL SYMBOL : WO
DISCOVERER : Adam
ATOMIC WEIGHT : Accepted as 118 but is known to vary from 100 to 160 lbs
(mutations have been known to exceed 400 lbs.)
OCCURRENCE : Surplus quantities in all urban areas
APPROVED FORMULA : 36:24:36
USES : I) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
II) Most powerful money reducing agent known
III) Can be a great aid to relaxation or a continuous
source of frustration
PHYSICAL PROP. : I) Surfaces usually covered in painted film
II) Boils at nothing and freezes without reason
III) Melts if given the proper treatment
Iv) Bitter if used incorrectly
v) Found in various states ranging from common ore
to virgin metal
vI) Non-magnetic but attracted by bank notes
vII) Yields to pressure applied at correct point
vIII) In its natural state it varies considerably, but the
shape is often artificially changed to conform to
that of a perfect specimen. Such transformations are
only discovered by an experienced eye
Ix) In some instances may start to gain weight and look
like they have swallowed a basketball and then
proceed to take on qualities of a XEROX copier and
start to make copies
CHEMICAL PROP. : I) Possesses a great affinity for gold, silver,
platinum and precious stones
II) Able to asorb great quantities of expensive
substances
III) May explore spontaneously if left alone with a male
Iv) Insoluble in liquids but activity is increased by
saturation in alcohol
v) Properties are vastly improved if specimen is placed
in the dark
TESTS : I) Pure specimens turn a rosy tint if found in the
natural state
II) Turns green if placed beside a better specimen
CAUTIONS : I) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands, must
be used with great care and patience if experiments
are to succeed
II) It is illegal to possess more than one permanently
............
III) When detaching a permanent specimen get appropriate
counsel because the SPECIMEN COULD DRAIN THE BLOOD
FROM YOUR VEINS INDEFINATELY
english.20sinfos,
Why beer is better than the net
-------------------------------
1. Beer won't keep asking for dead baby jokes.
2. Beer never looks for room-mates or rides to New Mexico
3. True, beer labels don't give you any new information, but you can be
sure it is not another light bulb joke.
4. You don't need to use your grumpy friend's account to drink beer. If
you are over 21 and have money to burn, you can drink all the beer
you want.
5. You can tell a beer anything you want (even outdated Dan Quale
jokes), and it will never flame you for that.
6. The net never gets scantily clad models to advertise on TV.
english.21sinfos,
Why the net is better than beer
-------------------------------
1. The net is free. You don't have to pay $1.25 to misuse it.
2. Where else can you get a good discussion going on nipple piercič▀g ?
3. If a CHP officer stops you, you can honestly tell him you had been reading
news for 3 hours, and he may not even make you walk a straight line.
4. Your wife will never find out you spent half your day reading news,
and even if she did, you can always claim it was part of your job.
5. You can always or iconize your window as soon as you hear your boss
walk into your office when you are reading news
6. You may actually be burning calories while reading news, especially if you
are using an IBM RS 6000 keyboard.
7. With some luck and a catchy name, you can create your own newsgroup.
Like this one, for instance.
8. Reading too many newsgroups won't make you laugh aloud at something
extremely emotional and sensitive that somebody said. Well, actually
some newsgroups may.
9. Nobody will force you to attend a rehab program if you are a frequent
news reader.
english.22sinfos,
Top Ten Things Overheard in the White House
10. Socks just has to go on a very long vacation, that's all.
9. Dad, who are those people on the lawn trying to look through my windows?
8. How many times have your father and I told you not to tickle the man
with the briefcase handcuffed to his wrist, young lady?
7. We all would have liked for your friend to come over to play, Chelsea,
but she's a foreign national.
6. I'm sorry the secret service guard wouldn't let you kiss your date,
honey, but he was just being careful.
5. No, I can't come to school for career day, Chelsea.
4. That's MY chair, Hillary.
3. Chelsea, just because your mother and I smoke it doesn't mean you can.
2. Because I'm the President, THAT'S why.
1. My dad? He's taking a nap, President Yeltsin. Can I take a message?
english.23sinfos,
It's the first session of the Ukranian parliament
and Kravchuk is presiding. He's a little nervous
because of all the Western press and he wants to make
a good impression:
He thinks: "Who shall I get to give the opening speech?"
He looks across the room: "No, not Kalinev from the
Nationalist Party. He'll say that we should hang all
the Westerners."
He looks to the other side: "Hm. I better not call on
Korlenko from the Slavic Union Party. He'll say that
we should drown all the Jews."
He looks way in the back: "Ah. I'll call on Orlovsky
from the Green Party."
Orlovsky gets to the front of the roomz║╣
"Fellow countrymen and representatives of the Western
press, I'd like to talk to you today about the environmental
crisis that is upon us. The years of Soviet control have
left us with a devastated countryside. Our forests have
been destroyed; our rivers are polluted. This is catastrophe
for our new nation, for if our forests are destroyed, where
shall we hang the Westerners? If our rivers are polluted,
where shall we drown the Jews?..."
(Origin: somewhere in the Commonwealth of Independent States.
Told by Neil Carrick, my housemate recently returned.)
english.24sinfos,
Special Pepsi Cola Edition
Here are several jokes on the Pepsi-Cola tampering
situation. Background for non-USA readers: A Washington
State woman found a syringe in a can of Pepsi, and when
the story hit the national news, more than 30 other
similar claims were made around the country.
-------------------------------------------------
On the news today, I heard that another hypodermic needle had been
discovered in a can of Diet Pepsi can -- this time in Louisianna.
After a moment's reflection, I realized, "So *that's* the source of the
mysterious '100% Uh-Huh' ingredient touted in Pepsi commercials!" I wonder
just what type of "Uh-Huh" was in those needles...
No wonder Pepsi changed its slogan to, "Gotta Have It!" It's not a quality
boast -- it's truth in advertising!
---------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Pepsi Summer Contest
(an original as far as I know. If it is, I wonder why no one has thought of
this before.)
Didja hear about the New Pepsi Summer Contest?
1 in 10,000,000 has a free syringe.
Odds vary from state to state.
---------------------------------------------------------
Subject: old superstition brought up to date
You know how people used to say you shouldn't mix Coke and aspirin?
The modern version: don't mix extra-strength Tylenol with Diet Pepsi.
---------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Brand New Pepsi Challenge
Announcing the new Pepsi Challenge Contest!
Yes! You too can be a big winner in the brand new Pepsi Challenge Contest!
We have hidden various prizes inside Pepsi products all over the country.
Just look at what these prizes can be worth.
Metal screw -- $10,000
Rusty metal screw -- $20,000
Hypodermic needle -- $100,000
Rusty hypodermic needle -- $200,000
Complete syringe -- $500,000
And for the grand prize
Complete syringe filled with unknown substance -- $1,000,000
To redeem your prize, simply contact the nearest personal injury lawyer.
The lawyer will give you further instructions on how to claim your prize.
Hurry! The contest ends soon!
--------------------------------------------------
Subject: Health care in a can
BILL CLINTON AND DIET PEPSI (TM) HAVE TEAMED UP
TO ADMINISTE
To participate, simply purchase a specially unmarked can of Diet
Pepsi (tm). Most cans contain nothing but the refreshing taste of
"Huh?" (Sorry, you are not an instant winner, please try again.)
But, if you find one of five hundred (500) cans with a syringe
inside, you are the winner of FREE HEALTH CARE for life! Should
you detect a syringe before opening, you will receive a special
bonus of free health care for UP TO FOUR FAMILY MEMBERS! Booby
prize: find a screw in your Diet Pepsi (tm) and win a date with
Hillary Clinton.
Contest open to all US citizens with a social security number.
Employees of the United States Government, the AMA, Pepsico, and
their immediate families are ineligible to win prizes. Health
care must be purchased and administered in the United States.
Winner is solely responsible for all taxes applicable. The
decision of the judges is final. Contest void on the Jersey Shore
and where prohibited by law. Do not drink Pepsi directly from
the can. Bill claims no responsibility for diseases contracted
during the date with Hillary.
-------------------------------------------------------
Recently, the Pepsi Cola bottler in Washington state has gotten some bad PR
because two cans of Diet Pepsi turned up with syringes in them, in addition
to the beverage. Pepsi has been doing some damage control, saying that they
don't know how this could happen. I think that they should capitalize on
the situation, and promote their corporate commitment to needle-exchange
programs.
-------------------------------------------------------
.ńĆŠß
s
english.25sinfos,
How To Stay Stressed
---------------
Although the De Anza Health Office long been an advocate of stress
management, stress, tension, and burnout are still common complaints of
students, faculty, and staff alike. On account of this, we have come to
the following conclusion: YOU ALL WANT TO STAY STRESSED! The following
provides you with a few reasons why.
STRESS HELPS YOU SEEM IMPORTANT. Anyone as stressed as you must be
working very hard and, therefore,
is probably doing something very
crucial.
IT HELPS YOU TO MAINTAIN PERSONAL Anyone as busy as you are certainly
DISTANCE AND AVOID INTIMACY. can't be expected to form emotional
attachments to anyone. And let's
face it, you're not much fun to be
around anyway.
IT HELPS YOU AVOID RESPONSIBILITIES. Obviously you're too stressed to be
given any more work. This gets you
off the hook for all the mundane
chores; let someone else take care
of them.
IT GIVES YOU A CHEMICAL RUSH. Stress might be considered a cheap
thrill, and you can give yourself a
"hit" anytime you choose. But be
careful, you might get addicted to
your own adrenaline.
IT HELPS YOU AVOID SUCCESS. Why risk being "successful" when by
simply staying stressed you can
avoid all of that? Stress can keep
your performance level low enough
that success won't ever be a threat.
STRESS ALSO LETS YOU KEEP YOUR The authoritarian style of "Just do
AUTHORITARIAN MANAGEMENT STYLE. what I say!" is generally permissi-
ble under crisis conditions. If
you maintain a permanently stressed
crisis atmosphere, you can justify
an authoritarian style all the time.
Are you worried now about how to stay stressed? You'll have no trouble
if you practice the following clinically proven methods:
NEVER EXERCISE. Exercise wastes a lot of time that
could be spent worrying.
EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT. Hey, if cigarette smoke can't
cleanse your system, a balanced
diet isn't likely to.
GAIN WEIGHT. Work hard at staying at least 25
pounds over your recommended
weight.
TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS. The old standards of caffeine,
nicotine, sugar, and cola will
continue to do the job just fine.
AVOID "WOO-WOO" PRACTICES. Ignore the evidence suggesting
that meditation, yoga, deep
breathing, and/or mental imaging
help to reduce stress. The
Protestant work ethic is good for
everyone, Protestant or not.
GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL Let the few friends who are
SUPPORT SYSTEM. willing to tolerate you know that
concern yourself with friendships
only if you have time, and you
never have time. If a few people
persist in trying to be your
friend, avoid them.
PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM. Anyone who criticizes any aspect
of your work, family, dog, house,
or car is mounting a personal
attack. Don't take time to
listen, be offended, then return
the attack!
THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. Staying stressed is no laughing
matter, and it shouldn't be
treated as one.
MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE - BE MACHO. Never ever ask for help, and if
you want it done right, do it
yourself!
BECOME A WORKAHOLIC. Put work before everything else,
and be sure to take work home
evenings and weekends. Keep
reminding yourself that vacations
are for sissies.
DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS. Schedule in more activities every
day than you can possibly get done
and then worry about it all
whenever you get a chance.
PROCRASTINATE. Putting things off to the last
second always produces a marvelous
amount of stress.
WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T Worry about the stock market,
CONTROL. earthquakes, the approching Ice
Age, you know, all the big issues.
BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT ...and either beat yourself up, or
SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS... feel guilty, depressed, discour-
aged, and/or inadequate when you
don't meet them."
english.26mikis,
From the Macintosh Roundtable on GEnie - Cat. 40, Topic 5, msgs 239-240
From M.STEFANI [MCH]
Before I make any purchase, I generally like to make a list of 'pros'
and 'cons' to aid me in the final decision. Some of my thoughts:
== TOP TEN REASONS TO STILL CHOOSE AN ATARI OVER A MAC ==
10) Just one model in production (Falcon) makes selection a 'no-brainer.'
9) Tramiel's multimedia computer development in a 'class by itself.'
8) Still sports the largest collection of 'masochistic' programmers.
7) Less time wasted reading thick, glossy monthly periodicals.
6) No portability 'problems' due to no portable notebooks or laptops.
5) Extensive collection of 'two' games available for the amazing Falcon.
4) Limit of one dealer per metropolitan area promotes close friendships.
3) One-piece design featuring 'mushy' keyboard way ahead of it's time.
2) Ergonomically-placed joystick ports good practice for fumbling & cursing.
1) Who really needs all those CD-ROMs anyway?
english.27mikis,
From Mark Brader (msb@sq.com)
:You know you've been hacking too long when...
* not only do you check your email more often than your paper
mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your
postal one.
* your {SO} kisses you on the neck and the first thing you
think is "Uh, oh, {priority interrupt}."
* you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're
doing it in octal.
* your computers have a higher street value than your car.
* in your universe, `round numbers' are powers of 2, not 10.
* more than once, you have awakened, recalling a dream in
some programming language.
* you realize you have never seen half of your best friends.
english.28mikis,
Operating Systems
By Bill Wilson, Rob Freundlich, Dag Gillies, and others
in Usenet's rec.humor.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Did you ever wonder what driving to the store would be like if
operating systems ran your car?
MS-DOS: You get in the car and try to remember where you put
your keys.
WINDOWS: You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly
because attached to the back of your car is a freight train.
OS/2: After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the
car and drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a
marching band in procession. Halfway there, the car blows up,
killing everybody in town.
UNIX: You get in the car and type GREP STORE. After reaching
speeds of 200 mph en route, you arrive at the barber shop.
Windows NT: You get in the car and write a letter that says, "go
to the store". Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to
your dashboard.
OS/400: An attendant locks you into the car, then drives you to
the store where you get to watch everybody else buy filet mignon.
Taligent/Pink: You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who
tells you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the
store in his Learjet.
S/36 SSP: You get in the car and drive to the store. Halfway
there, you run out of gas. While walking the rest of the way, you
are run over by kids on mopeds.
MacIntosh System 7: You get in the car to go to the store and
the car drives you to church.
OpenWindows: you can't drive the car because the hood ornament completely
blocks your field of view.
AmigaDOS 3.0: You get in the car and it drives you to a great little
store no-one else in town knows about.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
english.29mikis,
From PC Magazine, dated January 25, 1994:
CLIENT/SERVER IS LIKE TEENAGE SEX
Ě It's on everyone's mind all the time.
Ě Everyone is talking about it all the time.
Ě Everyone thinks everyone is doing it.
Ě Almost no one is really doing it.
Ě The few who are doing it are (a) doing it poorly,
(b) sure it will be better next time, (c) not
practicing it safely.
Ě Everyone is bragging about their successes all
the time, although very few have actually had
any successes.
english.33gristic,
________________________________________________________________
Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okeefenokee, Missouri 69336
December 14
Dearest John,
I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a
partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift!
I couldn't have more surprised.
With deepest love and affection,
-----------------------------------------------------------
Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okeefenokee, Missouri 69336
December 15
Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just
imagine, two turtle doves! I'm just delighted at your very
thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
-----------------------------------------------------------
Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okeefenokee, Missouri 69336
December 16
Dear John,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagent one. Now I really must
protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three french hens!
They are just so darling, but I must insist, you've been too
kind.
Love,
------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okeefenokee, Missouri 69336
December 17
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now,
really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is
enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
-----------------------------------------------------------
Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okeefenokee, Missouri 69336
December 18
Dearest John,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden
rings - one for every finger! You're just impossible, but I
love it. Frankly all those squaking birds were starting to
get on my nerves.
All my love,
------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okeefenokee, Missouri 69336
December 19
Dear John,
When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a
laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again,
huh? Those geese are huge! Where will I ever keep them? The
neighbors are complaining and I can't keep and I can't sleep
through the racket.
Please stop!
Cordially,
------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okeefenokee, Missouri 69336
December 20
John,
What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven swans a
swimming! What kind of crappy joke is this? There's bird shit
all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I
can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck; it's not funny.
So stop with the fucking birds already.
Sincerely yours,
-----------------------------------------------------------
Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okeefenokee, Missouri 69336
December 21
O.K. Buster,
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to
do with eight maids a milking? It's not enough with all these
birds and the eight maids a milking, but they had to bring
those ridiculous cows!! There is shit all over the lawn, and
I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Yours,
------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okeefenokee, Missouri 69336
December 22
Hey Shithead,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there are nine
pipers playing - and Hells Bells do they play! They haven't
stopped playing with those maids since they got here
yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they are
stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to
do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okeefenokee, Missouri 69336
December 23
You Rotten Sonofabitch,
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call
those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all
night long. Now the cows can't sleep, and they've got
diarrea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner
of buildings has subpoened me to give cause why the building
shouldn't be condemned.
That's it! I'm calling the police.
One who means it!!!
------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okeefenokee, Missouri 69336
December 24
Listen Asshole,
What's with the eleven lords a leaping on those maids
and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again.
Those pipers have run through the maids, and now they're
committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 birds are dead. They
were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied,
you rotten visious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
------------------------------------------------------------
BINDEM, TWISTEM, AND GOUGEM
ATTORNEYS AT LAW
##############################################################
910 Upyurs Avenue St. Louis, Missourri
DECEMBER 25
JOHN BEDEVILER
85 ORNERY PLACE
ANNOYANCE, MISSOURRI
DEAR SIR:
THIS IS TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR LATEST GIFT OF 12 FIDDLERS
FIDDLING WHICH HAVE SEEN FIT TO INFLICT ON OUR CLIENT, MISS
ABIGAIL FORTHRIGHTLY. THE DESTRUCTION, OF COURSE, WAS TOTAL.
ALL FURTHER CORRESPONDENCE SHOULD COME TO OUR ATTENTION. IF
YOU SHOULD ATTEMP TO REACH MISS FORTHRIGHTLY AT HAPPY DALE
SANITARIUM, THE ATTENDANTS HAVE INSTRUCTIONS TO SHOOT YOU ON
SIGHT. WITH THIS LETTER, PLEASE FIND ATTACHED A WARRANT FOR
YOUR ARREST.
CORDIALLY,
WILL GOUGEM
BINDEM, TWISTEM, AND GOUGEM
Attorneys at Law
------------------------------------------------------------
Pozdrav
:)X % scan for <<"Arnold Schwarzenegger"žJžD
"Arnold Schwarzenegger": << terminator not found
english.34gristic,
Path: uplherc.upl.com!cusa!prp
From: prpčcusa.uucp (Paul Peterson)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers
Subject: Programmers' caffeine review
Message-ID: <CEsp4u.27wočcusa.uucp>
Date: Tue, 12 Oct 1993 17:41:15 GMT
Organization: Cusa Inc.
Lines: 271
CAFFIENATED SOFT DRINKS:
The State of the Art
By: Ted Bahr
Copied without permission from _Computer Language_, April 1989
Perhaps the most universally recognized tool for improving a professional
programmer's productivity is C. Not the C language (after all, this *is*
the April issue, not February), but the C additive, Caffiene.
P.J. Plauger would have us begin this review with a definition:
caf-feine Đka-'fen, 'ka-,Đ nŠG kaffein, fr. kafee coffee, fr. F cafe'Ć
(ca. 1828): a bitter alkaloid C H N O found esp. in coffee, tea, and
8 10 4 2
kola nuts and used medicinally as a stimulant and diuretic.
Much has happened in the Cola wars to date, and the intent here is to bring
you up to speed on what seven leading contenders have to offer today. Table
1 shows a comparison of basic features, Table 2 compares performance, and
Table 3 ranks the products on a variety of tests.
*** Diet Coke ***
Diet Coke is an ably launched sequel to Coca-Cola's well-known, high
calorie drinks. It scours well in the mouth and the taste is surprisingly
full-bodied for a soda drained of all sugar. As a member of the Coke
family, Diet Coke places well in the performance tests with 46 mg. of
caffiene per can.
Diet Coke supplies the user with excellent documentation, taking care to
list a variety of vitamins and minerals of which it supplies less than
2% of the U.S. Recommended Allowances (U.S. RDA). The documentation is
not perfect, however; one particular problem is sloppy indexing. Diet
Coke notes that the product contains phenylalanine, a danger to phenyl-
ketoneurics, but does so in tiny letters on the front of the can, not
with the ingredients where one would naturally search for it (by contrast,
Diet Pepsi places this information with the other ingredients in a
bright red color).
A toll-free help line is provided to support all the Coke products--their
commercials play in the background while you are on hold. Diet Coke is an
excellent reproduction of the market leader and maintains its good perfor-
mance for programmers while nodding to the increased helath-consciousness
of the world today.
*** Mountain Dew ***
Long the late-night programmer's favorite with 17.4% more caffeine than
any member of the Coke family and over 40% more caffeine than Pepsi,
Mountain Dew means business. Clearly the heavyweight choice of this
review, The Dew powers its way to a first place finish in both calories
(178.8) and sugar(44.4 mg.). Its performance pales in comparison only
to Jolt.
Mountain Dew's taste is sickly sweet--the refreshing images of people
splashing around in ponds are clearly in reference to the energy derived
from the drink's effect, not the taste. And the participants in the ads
are certainly not programmers (imagine--swimming!). The scouring test
was disappointing--the tiny bubbles seemed buried by the high fructose
corn syrup.
Documentation was generally good, with more information revealed about
chemical content than any product except Diet Coke. A toll-free help
number is offered on the can and questions to the technical support
staff were handled efficiently and pleasantly.
Mountain Dew is still sporting its peace-and-love 1960s logo. The
outdated packaging combined with levels of caffeine and sugar that
show almost total disregard for the 1980s health-consciousness reveal
parent Pepsico's intent to market Mountain Dew as a niche product. With
only Jolt to battle head-to-head on the high end, that's not such a
bad idea.
*** Pepsi ***
Pepsi may be the choice of a new generation, but definitely *not* a
new generation of programmers. Finishing dead last in performance and
buried in the middle of the pack with respect to calories, Pepsi is a
generally uninspired product. The user interface (taste) is distinctive,
but its caffeine engine lacks the punch of the other products we surveyed.
Pepsi offers a toll-free help line and has adequate documentation, but
finished at the bottom of the heap in the Grindstone (teeth-grinding
after one six-pack slurped down in a two-hour period), ANSI (American
Neurological Speed Institute) conformity, and compatibility with UNIX
programmers. Although drinking Pepsi while chained to a 100,000 line
Ada program for 36 hours will not make you a raving maniac, it probably
won't keep you awake either. John Scully left for Apple years ago,
and we cannot recommend this product for serious programmers.
*** New Coke ***
Coca-Cola's new upstart is a worthy alternative to sleeping at normal
hours. It placed second in both the scouring test and the Wetstone
(thirst quenching). The kid brother to Classic (real) Coke has a taste
somewhere between the thinner, less-sweet Diet Coke and the heavy
syrup of the original. Despite its less-sugary taste, Coke (its real
name) actually has more carbohydrates than Classic Coke, leading this
reviewer to wonder if the programmers who created New Coke were drinking
Pepsi while they wrote the algorithms.
Coke's performance matches its siblings at 46 mg. of caffeine per can,
topping all but the specialty pops aimed directly at software developers.
With three relatively high-performance products to choose from in the Coke
family, a programmer really can have it all.
*** Classic Coke ***
Also known as "real Coke," this product seems to be adrift in a sea of
specialized competition. Various tests provided some pretty mediocre
scores for what has traditionally been considered by the general public
the most high-powered cold liquid stimulant (unless you favor cold
espresso).
Documentation is thin for Classic Coke drinkers and thus tends to favor
users who have some familiarity with the product. What's more, the
toll-free help number was not printed on any of the cans we tested!
While clearly a stalwart and founding member of the caffeine collection,
advantages offered by a number of competitors may be worth a taste
before settling on the real thing.
*** Dr. Pepper ***
While barely edging out Pepsi in caffeine performance level and defin-
itely qualifying as a "boutique" soft drink, Dr. Pepper's unique user
interface qualified it for review. Bottled by Pepsi, Dr. Pepper has
had little national advertising in the past few years, being seen as
a perennially big seller in Texas and a fancy alternative to root beer.
Despite this, Dr. P weighs in as a reasonable choice for programmers.
The taste is somewhat lemony, light, and fruity. Documentation is
good, but Dr. P lacks a toll-free number for support. When I did call
technical support, the Pepper People seemed confused. I bounced seven
times before finding the right person at the right number. However,
once I got there, support was excellent and very cordial.
Although Dr. Pepper cannot be recommended outright due to its mediocre
performance, slipping a few in between a long night of Classic Cokes
may be just the change you need.
*** Jolt ***
Taking on the established Cola giants is a brash move for a little
company in Rochester, N.Y., and Jolt is playing its role as spoiler
to the hilt. In the face of a huge tide of "caffeine-free" soft
drinks, Jolt boasts that it has "all the sugar and twice the caffeine."
On the surface, at least, it seems as if the programmer's ship has
come in.
Jolt's user interface is good, containing the bite and "look and feel"
of Classic Coke and winning the scouring test. Performance is stellar
with 32% more caffeine than Mountain Dew, 55% more than the Coke family,
and a whopping 85% more than Pepsi. Unfortunately, none of these
percentages back up the slogan aimed most directly at the programming
market: "twice the caffeine."
While documentation is adequate, technical support was rather dismal.
Jolt had the ambience of a small company, with the receptionist answer-
ing my questions in an annoyed manner. She said the company doesn't
release information on sugar content, which is odd for a company that
boasts about it on the can. When pressed about the "twice the caffeine"
claim, she said it referred to sodas other than the ones we tested but
wouldn't reveal which ones.
Despite a shaky feeling about the company's ethics, programmers will
find much to like in a can of Jolt. The only side effect may be too
much of a good thing--the Grindstone test left me unable to bear the
sight of a monitor, and soon found me lurching from lane to lane at
80 mph on Rte. 101, alternately screeching at songs on the radio and
babbling incoherently to myself about RISC chips. Use Jolt with
caution.
*** The Winners ***
A close look at the seven contenders in this review confirmed some
suspicions and raised others. Pepsi's performance rated too poorly
to recommend, and Dr. Pepper's only real benefit is its unique user
interface.
Any member of the Coke family can be recommended for general-purpose
long bouts of coding and the company is to be lauded for maintaining
performance levels in its newest releases. Jolt, the hands-down
winner in pure performance, is too jarring to be recommended for
prolonged use, but can be excellent for short bursts ofr quick patches.
Based on overall excellence, the winner and sultan of swig for pro-
grammer productivity is still Mountain Dew.
------- Table 1.
Comparison of basic features
Classic Coca Diet Mountain Dr.
Coke Cola Coke Dew Jolt Pepsi Pepper
--------------------------------------------------
Carbonated water Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
High-fructose corn-
syrup/sugar Yes Yes No Yes Yes Yes Yes
Caramel color Yes Yes Yes No Yes Yes Yes
Phosphoric acid Yes Yes Yes No Yes Yes Yes
Caffeine Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
Citric acid No No Yes Yes Yes Yes No
Sodium benzoate
("A preservative") No No No Yes No No Yes
Potassium benzoate No No Yes No No No No
Natural flavorings Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
Proud sponsor of the
U.S. Olympic Team Yes Yes Yes No No No No
All-aluminum can Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
Toll-free help number Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes No
------- Table 2.
Performance
Classic Coca Diet Mountain Dr.
Coke Cola Coke Dew Jolt Pepsi Pepper
--------------------------------------------------
Calories(per 12 fl. oz.) 144 154 0 179 170 159 144
Sugar (grams/12 fl. oz.) 37.20 40.00 .30 44.40 NA 39.60 38.00
Caffeine (mg/12 fl. oz.) 46.00 46.00 46.00 54.00 71.20 38.40 40.80
------- Table 3.
Additional rankings (1-10)
1 - Excellent, 10 - Poor
Classic Coca Diet Mountain Dr.
Coke Cola Coke Dew Jolt Pepsi Pepper
--------------------------------------------------
Compatibility with
Unix Programmers 2 6 3 1 4 7 5
Scouring effect 4 2 3 7 1 6 5
Wetstone(1) 3 2 1 5 4 6 7
Grindstone(2) 3 4 5 2 1 7 6
ANSI Conformity(3) 3 5 4 1 2 7 6
Sleeve of Eratosthenes(4) 4 3 7 1 2 5 6
Notes:
(1) Thirst-quenching.
(2) Teeth-grinding after one six-pack in a two-hour period.
(3) American Neurological Speed Institute.
(4) Staining power test conducted on standard Beefy T-shirt.
--
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
đ Pro'-gram 1) n. A magical spell cast over a computer which transforms đ
đ user input into error messages. 2) vt. An activity similar to banging đ
đ one's head against a wall, but with less opportunity for relief. đ
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Navalite. ;)
────────────────────────────────────
* 89.6% of all statistics are wrong.
english.35gristic,
Računari 75/55s.
Prevela i potpisala Seka Bajt.
───────────────────────────────────────
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From: awagliarčcsugrad.cs.vt.edu (Andy Wagliardo)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Shoot/Foot Request
Message-ID: <BxEz4E.1yyčcsugrad.cs.vt.edu>
Date: 8 Nov 92 20:19:25 GMT
Organization: Virginia Tech Computer Science Dept, Blacksburg, VA
Lines: 59
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL4
How to shoot yourself in the foot:
Which language is right for you?
Assembler: You shoot yourself in the foot.
Ada: The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after
offering you a blindfold and a last cigarrette.
BASIC (interpreted): You shoot yourself in the foot with a
water pistol until your leg is waterlogged and rots off.
BASIC (compiled): You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB
using a SCUD missile launcher.
C++: You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them
all in the foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical
care is impossible.
COBOL: USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH
ARM.HAND.FINGER ON HANDGUN.COLT(TRIGGER) PREFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN
HANDGUN.COLT TO HIP.HOLSTER.
cah: After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep,
you shoot the computer and switch to C.
dBASE: You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another
company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find
out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled
to shoot bullets.
Fortran: You shoot yourself in each toe, interactively, until
you run out of toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway, since no
exception-processing was anticipated.
Modula-2: You perform a shooting on what might currently be a
foot with what might currently be a bullet shot by what might
currently be a gun.
Pascal: Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right
type for the gun and your hand is blown off.
PL/1: After consuming all system resources, including bullets,
the data processing department doubles its size, acquires two new
mainframes, and drops the original on your foot.
Smalltalk, Actor, etc: After playing with the graphics for
three weeks, the programming manager shoots you in the head.
Snobol: Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to
be a bullet.
;)
───────────────────────────────────────────────────────────
* WOMAN.EXE... Great program, but no documentation or help.
english.37gristic,
Da apsolviramo temu o slonovima? Drž'te se! ;))
Sorry za pad, ali nisam odoleo da ovo pošaljem kao poruku. ;)
Deo prvi
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yeah, yeah, elephant jokes are stupid, but when under the influence of
cheap beer and even cheaper tequilla, they can be pretty amusing.
Each joke is separated by a line with "==", and each is numbered for
easier reference.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
NON-QA JOKES
------------
Š1Ć
There was an old man in France who used to get up every morning
at five A.M. He would then go and sprinkle a white powder on
the roads.
When he was asked what he was sprinkling on the roads, he answered
that it was elephant powder.
The person then remarked "But everybody knows that there are no elephants
in France!" to which he answered "I guess it must be working then!"
==
Š2Ć
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided
to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with
the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained
posession.
The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal
when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant
trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.
The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing?
Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"
The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just
trying to trip him up."
==
Š3Ć
There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know
why. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant
jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was
$10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet
off the ground would get $50,000.
All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump.
Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a
baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches
the elephants balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps,
and the owner pays out the $50,000.
Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize,
so he ran another contest. He'd never seen an elephant swing its head
back and forth as if to say, "no." Same deal as before: $10 per entry,
$50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail.
Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat,
and walks up to the elephant. He says, "Remember me?"
The elephant nods yes.
The man says holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this again?"
The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no....
==
Š4Ć
Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not
too many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good
gimmick to get people to come. It so happened he was watching T.V. at
the time and the parade for the circus was on. As the elephants went
by he remembered reading somewhere that elephants don't laugh.
He went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant. It
just so happen that there was an elderly elephant bull that the circus
was planning to retire. After agreeing on a price, the man bought the
elephant.
Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign reading:
"Make the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."
Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh, and
soon the jar was almost full.
Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, "I hear you
will give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000."
"Yeah, he's out back"
After about five minutes tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could
be heard coming from behind the bar. Every one in the bar raced back
to see what was going on. When they got there the elephant was
LAUGHING!!! The man could not believe his eyes. But, a bet was a
bet after all and he paid the stranger who had made the elephant
laugh.
A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing. The bar owner
could not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar reading:
"Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."
Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get the
elephant to stop laughing. Finally the man who had gotten the
elephant to laugh in the first place walked in. Upon seeing
the sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the
elephant from laughing. Seeings as no one had, he once more went
back behind the bar to see the elephant.
In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar. All
the patrons ran out to see what was up. The elephant had huge tears
running down its cheeks. Once again a bet was a bet and the bar
owner paid the man. Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked
how he had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry.
"Easy." said the man, "When I first went back there I told him my dick
was bigger than his. And now I just proved it."
==
Š5Ć
A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular
procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.
Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant.
After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the
table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.
The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?".
Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly
disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't
believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to,
but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
==
Š6Ć
An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in her foot.
She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the elephant says,
"Help me, help me."
But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant have his
wicked way with her. Replys the elephant, "Anything! Anything!"
So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy himself.
Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who witnessed the
whole episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently he fell out of the
tree on top of the elephant.
Says the elephant: "Ouch!"
Says the ant, in his own little frenzy: "Suffer BITCH, SUFFER!!!"
- similar joke below -
An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horsefly
kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it.
It was far out of reach.
A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak.
"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant.
"My, pleasure ma'am." said the sparrow.
"Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't
hesitate to ask."
The sparrow said, "Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck
an elephant."
"Be my guest!", said the elephant.
So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the trees
above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started to
masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting the
elephant on the head.
"OUCH!", said the elephant.
Then sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?"
==
Š7Ć
One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all
of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed,
she say this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he
was crying.
"Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games.
Boo hoo."
"Don't cry, little one.", replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic
wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself
over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed
witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just
couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him. So
happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way.
Feeling quick happy about herself, the witch once more took to the skies,
and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort.
So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant. The witch
asked him why he was crying.
"Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant
games. Boo hoo."
Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic
looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking,
and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic
wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey.
All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed
that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this,
and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but
if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him.
At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't know where the
wizard is", he sobbed.
"Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad", said the good witch.
==
Š9Ć
PACHYDERMIC PERSONNEL PREDICTION
by Peter C. Olsen
A bold new proposal for matching
high-technology people and professions
Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the
right job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and
millions of dollars in funding. This is particularly true for
high-technology organizations where talent is scarce and
expensive. Recently, however, years of detailed study by the
finest minds in the field of psychoindustrial interpersonnel
optimization have resulted in the development of a simple and
foolproof test to determine the best match between personality
and profession. Now, at last, people can be infallibly assigned
to the jobs for which they are truly best suited.
The procedure is simple: Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt
elephants. The subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then
categorized by comparison to the classification rules outlined
below. The subject should be assigned to the general job
classification that best matches the observed behavior.
CLASSIFICATION GUIDELINES
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out
everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever
is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the
existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to
step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics
will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then
leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an
exercise for their graduate students.
Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a
known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will
terminate. Assembly language programmers prefer to execute
Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray
animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs
within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed
elephant.
Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if
elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it
an elephant.
Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted
anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise
those people who do. Operations research consultants can also
measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the
efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will
only identify the elephants.
Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the
elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around
arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will
claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of
one dropping.
Vice presidents of engineering, research, and development try
hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent
it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the
staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are
completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the
vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will
(1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge
itself to prevent any recurrence.
Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the
assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with
deeper voices.
Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for
mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
Sales People don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling
elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the
season opens. Software sales people ship the first thing they
catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware
sales people catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as
desktop elephants.
VALIDATION
A validation survey was conducted about these rules. Almost all
the people surveyed about these rules were valid. A few were
invalid, but they expected to recover soon. Based on the survey,
a statistical confidence level was determined. Ninety-five
percent of the people surveyed have at least 67 percent
confidence in statistics.
ACKNOWLEDGMENT
This study has benefited from the suggestions and observations of
many people, all of whom would prefer not to be mentioned by
name.
==
Š10Ć
Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a
cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the
experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they
decided to have a go. A week after the experiment had started they began to
realize WHY the idea had never been tried, they were stuck for someone to
pull the cork out.
One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to
do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once
a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. The big day arrived,
they set up all the monitoring equipment and set out to a safe distance.
The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the
third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed
the button to sound the buzzer.
BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!!
The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second
(2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to
his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they
noticed that he was in fits of laughter.
"What the %$*& is so funny?" asked one of the scientist.
"You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back in!!!"
==
Š11Ć
This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle.
And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The
elephant is stuck in this pit and realises that he is going to die,
so naturally he start to scream. By chance a chicken hears the screaming
of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck
in the pit and shouts to the elephant: "Dont worry, I am going to
save you". The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle.
The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his *Red Porsche*. He throws
a rope from the Porche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself
and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant
is saved (loud applause).
So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that
he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be
in mortal danger).
As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking thru'
the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over
and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh)
The elephant shouts "Don't worry chicken I will save you". So the
elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too
small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this the
elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas this also is too small.
As a last desperate effort the elephant throws in his his penis.
Sucess! The chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climbs
out to safety.
Moral of the story:
"If you have a big dick you don't need a red Porsche to pull a chick."
==
Š12Ć
Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off
and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the
elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it
and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?"
His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk."
"No, at the other end."
"That son is the tail."
"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant"
A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "Thats nothing."
The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied
with her answer asks his father the same question.
"Daddy, what is that long thing?"
"That's the trunk, son" replies the father.
"No at the other end."
"Oh, that is the tail."
"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.
"That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?"
"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.
Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."
==
Š13Ć
Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:
The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant
or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and
culture
or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went
With His Elephants
The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or Provincial Issue?
The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
==
Š14Ć
Hickory Dickory Dock,
An elephant ran up the clock,
The clock is being repaired.
==
Š15Ć
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of
marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
==
Š16Ć
Don't call an elephant, he may come!
==
Š17Ć
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant
wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Damn", says the ant, "one night
of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
==
Š18Ć
Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest
animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of
bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please
don't
stand near the elephant's backside.... Madam, PLEASE don't stand near the
elephant's backside ... MADAM ... MADAM ..., too late; George, dig her out.
==
Š19Ć
Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants.
It's done on a very high level.
There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved.
And it takes two years to get any results.
==
Š20Ć
It says in a book that more than 6000 elephants go each year to make
piano keys!
Isn't it amazing what elephants can be trained to do!?
==
Š21Ć
There was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great
(yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).
Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey
and roared at him:
"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
And this poor quaking little monkey replied:
"You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer:
"Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly
munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a
blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a
nearby tree.
The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have
to get so pissed."
==
Š22Ć
A woman went to see a psychiatrist and complained, "Doctor, my husband
thinks he's a magician."
"What's so bad about that?" the shrink asked.
"We're being sued. A week ago my husband shoved a girl into a trunk
and sawed it in half."
"The girl's family is suing you?" the psychiatrist asked.
"No, the circus," the woman replied. "The elephant bled to death."
==
Š23Ć
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment
somewhere.
(Faux Steven Wright Joke by Rod Schmidt)
==
Š24Ć
An Elephant; A Mouse built to government specifications.
==
Š25Ć
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
==
Š26Ć
Two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom Boom.
==
Š27Ć
Deep Thoughts
By Jack Handey
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world
is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding
on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
==
Š28Ć
Telephone Joke:
"Hello, this is your local Zoo speaking. Do you like animals? We are
experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow
us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower?"
The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbour's bathroom is
bigger and better equipped to handle elephants."
==
Š29Ć
If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
-- Zisla
==
Š30Ć
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
-- General Sedgwick's last words
==
Š31Ć
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Elephants.
Elephants who?
Ella Fintzgerald!
==
Š32Ć
In the jungle there was once this elephant and a snake. They had a bitter
rivalry about who was smarter. So the wise owl (who was their arbitrator) set
each of them a test. To the elephant he posed the problem of catching or
snookering the snake; the snake, on the other hand, had to surprise and
astound the elephant.
Next day the snake crept up on the elephant; and within a blink of an eye
slithered up the elephant's trunk. The snake wriggled and wriggled up the
trunk, into the esophegus, down into the stomach, through the intestines, and
a minute later popped out of the elephant's arse, and said 'BOO!'
The elephant, clearly astounded, asked the snake to do it again; this was
truly a remarkable feat, and wanted to make sure it wasn't a fluke.
So the snake wiped himself on some grass, and slithered once more up the
trunk, slipping and sliding through the elephant's digestive tract.
When the snake emerged a minute later, covered in shit, from the elephant's
rectum, the elephant shoved his trunk up his ass and said 'Snookered!'
==
Š33Ć
As any physicist, engineer, mathematician etc.. will tell you,
an Elephant crossed with a Rhinocerous gives đElephantđđRhinocerousđ
Sin(theta)!
==
Š34Ć
ELETELEPHONY
once there was an elephant
who tried to be a telephant;
no no, I mean an elephone
who tried to be a telephone.
(Dear me I am not certain quite
that even now i've got it right)
how e'r it was he got his trunk
entangled in the telephunk
the more he tried to get it free,
the louder buzzed the telephee.
(i fear i'd better quit this song
of elehop and telephong.)
==
Š35Ć
The Elephant, or so it seems,
Very rarely has wet dreams,
But when he does, He comes in streams,
Revelling in the joys of fornication.
==
Š36Ć
A lady while dining at Crewe,
Found an elephant's whang in her stew,
Said the waiter,"don't shout, and don't wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too!!"
==
english.38gristic,
Deo drugi
Š37Ć
How to Catch a White Elephant
=============================
Submitted By Niels Kristian Jensen
<C838216 AT NEUVM1>
Go to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a
muffin (with raisins). Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close,
drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it. The white elephant will
be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants like
muffins (with raisins). Repeat this procedure for five days in a row.
After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin
(with rasins). The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with you a muffin
without rasins. Drop the muffin as usual. When the white elephant finds
out that the muffin lacks rasins, it will darken in anger.
And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant.
==
Š38Ć
The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book
on elephants.
The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the
British Empire."
The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal
Account."
The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the
Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."
The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the
Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"
Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than
People"
The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of
the Soviet Elephant"
And <fill-in random Eastern European Country> submited a poem "The Joy and
Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."
But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but
wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"
==
Š39Ć
Once upon a time, bad King John raised a mighty army and set
out to conquer the known world. After a series of
successful campaigns, the remaining kings realized that
their lone efforts would never prevail. They had to band
together under the leadership of the best general they had -
"George-the-Turk".
George the Turk had promised that he would defeat bad King
John's army and would place him on a rack - in a public
display - so that no one would ever again try to conquer the
world.
While George the Turk was assembling his army and scouting
out bad King John, he also ordered his engineers to design
and build the largest rack here-to-fore made. The rack was
then fitted with wheels and required 40 horses to pull it.
When all was ready, George the Turk set out to do battle.
Bad King John, who was camped by a river enjoying the spoils
of his latest victory, had not yet gotten word of George the
Turk's army. George the Turk knew that his army must attack
quickly before Bad King John could prepare a defense. But,
alas, the 40 horse team pulling the large rack could not
keep up with the troops. George the Turk ordered more
horses to be teamed, but, still they lagged. George the
Turk remembered that Hannibul was not too far away in the
mountains with a herd of elephants. Elephants would be
better than horses for pulling the rack. So, George the
Turk sent his second-in-command to Hannibul to rent enough
elephants for the job. Hannibul agreed and also sent along
his best elephant handler.
This elephant handler quickly realized the importance of his
unique position in George the Turk's army and insisted that
he be given the title of "elephant engineer" and a huge pay
raise. George the Turk agreed with the title and the pay
raise.
The rack, powered by elephants and driven by the "elephant
engineer" , kept pace with the rapidly moving army.
Late one night they arrived at the enemy camp by the river.
George the Turk deployed his troops to cut off any avenue of
escape and issued the order to attack at dawn - on his
command. He also ordered the rack to be positioned on the
highest hill overlooking bad King John's camp. This site
was the perfect spot to publically display bad King John -
to show the world what happens to anyone who dares to try to
conquer the world.
With dawn approaching George the Turk goes to the top of the
hill beside the rack so that everyone can see his command to
attack: when his sword drops ---ATTACK !!!!!
All is quiet. The enemy camp is asleep. Every man is
waiting for the signal. The first ray of sunlight strikes
the helmet of George the Turk. He draws his sword slowly
and holds it over his head. The sunlight gleams off the
blade --- and scares the elephants that are hitched to the
rack. They start trumpeting and rearing and the elephant
engineer can't control then. He drops the reins and clings
onto the rack for dear life. The rack breaks loose from the
team and starts rolling down the hill -- straight for the
enemy camp.
All this noise wakes bad King John. He orders an aide to go
outside the tent to see what is the cause. The aide takes a
hard look, comes back into the tent, and reports:
"As near as I can tell --
It's a rambling rack from George the Turk with an elephant engineer" !!!
==
Š40Ć
Two elephants - Harry & Faye
Couldn't kiss with their trunks in the way
So they boarded a plane
They're now kissing in Maine
Cause their trunks got sent to L.A.
==
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
QA JOKES
--------
Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.
==
Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.
==
Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.
==
Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow,
grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!
==
Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
==
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from a duck.
==
Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
==
Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.
==
Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.
==
Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.
==
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
==
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue,
and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
==
Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue,
and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
==
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!
==
Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
==
Q: How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
A: He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree.
- similar joke -
Q: Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.
==
Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: A native eating cherries.
==
Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries.
==
Q: What's the fastest thing in the jungle?
A: A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.
==
Q: How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree?
A: Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it.
==
Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
A: It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.
==
Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn (or wait for parachute practice.)
==
Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.
==
Q: What sound do monkeys hate most?
A: Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...
==
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
==
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
==
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
==
Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
==
Q: What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
A: An elephant's foreskin.
==
Q: Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
A: When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.
==
Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.
==
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.
==
Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)
==
Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant?
A: You can't get the toilet seat down.
==
Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.
==
Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.
==
Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open
the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.
==
Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagon bug?
A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back
==
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.
==
Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.
==
Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.
==
Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a VW bug parked outside it.
==
Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge.
A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!
==
Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
A: Open door, get two VW's out, put tarzan in, close door.
==
Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
A: you can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO
==
Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!
==
Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all.
==
Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the number of elephants.
==
Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?
A: The sun roof.
==
Q: The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all
of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
A: They were stuck in the VW bug.
==
Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?
A: None, the elephants are in there!
==
Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!
==
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.
==
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.
==
Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the girrafe!
==
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: It's bike is outside.
==
english.39gristic,
Deo poslednji ;)
Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.
==
Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
==
Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
==
Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.
==
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
==
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.
==
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Elephino.
==
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
==
Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.
==
Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
==
Q: How do you get 1,000 elephants into a shopping cart at Safeway.
A: To get the answer, you'd better get the 'S' out of Safe and the
'F' out of the way.
==
Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries?
A. They're both blue, except for the elephant.
==
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."
==
Q: What did Jane say?
A: Here come the blueberries. (Jane was color blind)
==
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on, coming
over the hill?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
==
Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons
tons of bananas,.....
==
Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.
==
Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?
A: Parachute him from an airplane.
==
Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants are skydiving.
==
Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon.
==
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamp out forest fires.
==
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From stamp out flaming ducks.
==
Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way?
A: To fit on lily pads.
==
Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.
==
Q: Whay are frogs so short?
A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.
==
Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
==
Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.
==
Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They can't tell time.
==
Q: What is that stuff between elephants toes?
A: Watchless natives.
==
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: 5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)
==
Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
==
Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work.
==
Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street
wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team.
==
Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
A: She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.
==
Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.
==
Q. Why do elephants have four feet?
A. Because lady elephants have big twats.
==
Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
A: Because sheep don't have strings.
==
Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Snakes.
==
Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?
A: Epileptic pigmies.
==
Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?
A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
==
Q: What is an elephant's sex organ?
A: His foot... If he steps on you you're FUCKED!
==
Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatoligist.
==
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
==
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.
==
Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?
A: "Can I be on top this time?"
==
Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?
==
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
==
Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant?
A: Wipe it off!
==
Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
A: None of the offspring survived.
==
Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying
down in tall grass?
A: VERY attractive.
==
Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard?
A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!
==
Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).
==
Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".
==
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
A: Cos(Theta) Note: Assumes đelephantđ = đgrapeđ = 1
==
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
A: Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.
==
Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.
==
Q: What's grey and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant.
==
Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A: Swim for your life!!
==
Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?
A: To trip low flying canaries.
==
Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
A: He wasn't laying on his back.
==
Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears?
A: Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.
(somebody want to explain this for me?)
==
Q: Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am?
A: Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.
==
Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am.
==
Q: Whats that red stuff between elephants toes?
A: Slow pygmies.
==
Q: How can you tell when elephants have been making love in your back yard?
A: The fence is broken and one of your Hefty bags is gone.
==
Q: What do you do when you see a thousand elephants coming down the
mountain slopes?
A: Swim for your life!
==
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
A: A dead ant.
==
Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.
==
Q: What does an elephant with a runny nose (trunk) need?
A: A blow job.
==
Q: How do you make an elephant fly?
A: Start with a 3 foot zipper.
==
Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
A: An elephant with spare parts
==
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: To pick up the squashed chicken.
==
Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of
your car?
A: Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!
==
Q: What is more difficult than getting 2 elephants in the back seat of
your car?
A: Getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car!!
==
Q: Whats more difficult than gettiny a pregnant elephant in the back seat
of your car?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of your car!
==
Q: What is the height of ambition?
A: An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.
==
Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?
A: Smokey the Elephant.
==
Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Garbage bags!
==
Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
A: You miss most of the picture!
==
Q: Why do pygmies wear giant condoms on their heads?
A: Because if an elephant steps on them, they're fucked!
==
Q: What did one elephant say to the other elephant when he realized he'd
stepped on a pygmie?
A: Look what I just stepped in!
==
Q: What do elephants use for slippers?
A: Sheep!
==
Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.
==
Q: Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: No? See, it works!!!
==
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rat?
A: A dead rat with an 18 inch asshole!
==
Q: What's big and green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees?
A: Elephant boogers.
==
Q: How many elephants can you fit into a Dodge?
A: 5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.
==
Q: How do you know when an Elephant has been in the baby carriage?
A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead!
(damn elephants get into everything!)
==
Q. What's the difference between a little moron and an elephant?
A. About 20 pounds, but the elephant's gaining!
==
Q: How do you tell if there's an elephant under your bed?
A: Your nose touches the ceiling.
==
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?!?
A: Silly, a mountain climber is a scaler and you can't cross a vector
with a scalar!
==
Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant.
==
Q: What do you do with a elephant with 3 balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the bear
==
Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
A: About 40 lbs.
Q: How do you equalize the two?
A: Feed the elephant.
(From the "Canonical List of Sorority Girl Jokes")
==
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?
A: The 'Elephino!
==
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and an orangutan?
A: One dead ape with two-foot stretch marks.
==
Q: How dow you get an elephant to come in a thimble?
A: Stuff a bale of hay in it.
==
Q: How do you stuff a bale of hay in a thimble?
A: One straw at a time.
==
Q: What has 2 greay legs and 2 brown legs?
A: An elephant with diarrhea.
==
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gotovo (za sada)! ;)
─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────
* 234s///r44444u890m,l90plđćŠ. Get that cat off my keyboard!
english.40gristic,
ÚĆOpet sorry zbog vaših padova, ali možda (sigurno) će nekom dobro doći. ;)
Imam i ng za smajlije, ali na "lalinskom" (Holland), pa ako nekog interesuje...
Mene mrzi da od ovog napravim ng bazu.
─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────
Ever get one of these along with one of your messages? In case you
were in doubt to what they meant, here's their explanations.
:-) humorous
:-( be prepared for trouble
(:-) messages dealing with bicycle helmets
<:-) dumb questions
oo somebody's head-lights are on messages
O>-<đ= messages of interest to women
o>8<đ= messages about interesting women
;-) wink ( take this message with a grain of salt)
đ-( late night messages
:ž) messages teasing people about their noses
:-š#ć messages teasing people about their braces
- P.= messages about nuclear war
Thanks to Don Hopkins of Roosevelt H.S. for inventing these..
----------------------------------------------------------------
Yuval J Pecht (CVPECHTP.WEIZMANN)...
More faces and funny messages!!
(:-# Message concerning something that shouldnt have been said...
(:-$ Message indicating person is ill...
(:-& Message indicating person is angry...
(:-* Kiss...
(:+) Message concerning Jews...(i.e. big nose...)
(:=) Message concerning people with TWO noses (???)
(:-: Message indicating person is VERY sad...
(:ž( message concerning people with broken noses
(:<) message concerning blabber mouths
:-(=) message about people with big teeth.
&:-) message from a person with curly hair
P.:-) message from a person with wavy hair
?-( about people with a black eye.
*:* message about fuzzy things
*:** message about fuzzy people with a fuzzy mustache
%-) message about people with broken glasses
+<:-đ message from a monk/nun...
š0-) message from cyclops...
(:-D message cocerning another blabber mouth...
(:-đK- formal message.
B-) message from Batman !!!
=0== - message about mexican on a railroad!
=t== - message about mexican run over by train.
P.%&$%&$:&*P.%$#P. - you know what that means...
---...--- - S.O.S
----------------------------------------------------------------
Designed, Planned and otherwise electricuted by
The Griaciorus Moshe Raccah and Venerable Yuval J. Pecht
<š:-)ć MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE...
<:-)<<đ MESSAGE FROM A SPACE ROCKET...
(:-... HEART-BREAKING MESSAGE...
>đ-> MESSAGE FROM CHINA...
<<<<(:-) MESSAGE FROM A HAT SALES-MAN...
(O--< A FISHY MESSAGE...
(8-) MESSAGE FROM A FOUR-EYE...
(:>-< MESSAGE FROM A THIEF: HANDS UP!
<I==I) A MESSAGE ON FOUR WHEELS
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
These come from various places.
:-p Bronx cheer (or sticking tongue out)
đ:-) Message from someone with bushy eyebrows
=========================================================================
From: IAN MURPHY <CBWP8008P.IRUCCVAX>
š(ž_ž)ć --- Message to somebody wearing headphones.
š(-_ž)ć --- wink at somebody wearing headphones.
<ž_ž> --- ?
<-v-> --- message to somebody with a beak.
<-_ž> --- wink
<O_O> --- message to goggly eyes.
<QžQ> --- message to somebody with funny looking glasses.
(žUž) --- message to big nose.
<ž*ž> --- message to somebody with a flattened nose.
ŠO!OĆ --- message to a surprised goggly eyes.
(*v*) --- message to somebody with two black eyes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: hesP.ecsvax.UUCP (Henry Schaffer)
:-O Wow :-đ Grim :- đ Baboon
:-v Speaking :-V Shout :-w Speak with forked tongue
:-r Sticking tongue out :-* Oops!
:-x Kiss Kiss :-c Real unhappy
:-C Just totally unbelieving :-B Drooling
:-, Smirk :-đđ Anger :-( Frowning
'-) Wink ;-) Sardonic incredulity
%-ć Drunk with laughter :-" Pursing lips
===========================================================================
From about 3-4 years ago:
Šbtw, ;-) is a smiley winking, not half a smiley, as somebody saidĆ
Don't expect everyone to know all of these in everyday communication...
..Bob
-----
Here it is folks, the last word in smiley faces. Below we have
smiley face...
:-ž smiley spitting out its chewing tobacco
:-1 smiley bland face
:-! "
:-č smiley face screaming
:-#đ smiley face with bushy mustache
:-$ smiley face with it's mouth wired shut
:-% smiley banker
:-6 smiley after eating something sour
:ž) smiley with pointy nose (righty)
:-7 smiley after a wry statement
8-) smiley swimmer
:-* smiley after eating something bitter
:-& smiley which is tongue-tied
:-9 smiley licking it's lips
:-0 smiley orator
:-( un-smiley
:-) smiley standard
smiley invisible man
(:-( unsmiley frowning
(:-) smiley big-face
):-) "
):-( unsmiley big-face
)8-) scuba smiley big-face
=:-) smiley punk-rocker
=:-( (real punk rockers don't smile)
+:-) smiley priest
:-q smiley trying to touch its tongue to its nose
:-e disappointed smiley
:-t cross smiley
:-i semi-smiley
:-o smiley singing national anthem
:-p smiley sticking its tongue out (at you!)
:-Š un-smiley blockhead
:-Ć smiley blockhead
:-š smiley variation on a theme
:-ć ditto
š:-) smiley with its hair parted in the middle
ć:-) above in an updraft
:-a lefty smilely touching tongue to nose
:-s smiley after a BIZARRE comment
:-d lefty smiley razzing you
g-) smiley with ponce-nez glasses
:-j left smiling smilely
:-k beats me, looks like something, tho.
:-l y. a. s.
:-: mutant smiley
:-Đ undecided smiley
:-đ "have an ordinary day" smiley
;-) winking smiley
:-< real sad smiley
:-> y.a.s.
:-z y.a.c.s.
:-x "my lips are sealed" smiley
:-c bummed out smiley
:-v talking head smiley
:v) left-pointing nose smiley
:-b left-pointing tongue smiley
:-/ lefty undecided smiley
:-? smilely smoking a pipe
.-Ć one-eyed smilely
,-ć wry and winking
0-) smiley cyclops (scuba diver?)
:-=) older smiley with mustache
:u) smiley with funny-looking left nose
:n) smiley with funny-looking right nose
:< midget unsmiley
:> midget smiley
This hardly expended the list but it's most of what one can come
up with on a vt220 keyboard. There are many variations, like swapping
around noses, eyes, mouths, etc. Also there are many VLSF (very large
smiley faces), for example:
ć:ž#ć) mega-smiley: updrafted bushy-mustached pointy nosed smiley with
a double-chin
Hope this list will spur people to use a larger variety of faces
to more accurately describe themselves and what they are saying.
From the keyboard of: =:-#ć smiley punk with a mustache....
"We just get by the best that we can,
we all gotta duck when the shit hits the fan"
--
===============================================================================
Joe Szep Boston University Academic Computing Center
UUCP: ...!harvard!bu-cs!jts
ARPA: jts%bu-cs.csnetčcsnet-relay.arpa
Pony Express: 111 Cummington St. Boston, Ma. 02215 617-353-2780
===============================================================================
english.41gristic,
Description: Funny pictograms (character signs) used in network mail
A Comprehensive Collection Of Funny Pictograms
(Character Signs)
Used In Electronic Network Mail
:-) Humor
:-) )-: Masking theatrical comments
:<) For those with hairy lips
:-š)
:<)= For those with beards
:/) Not funny
'-) Wink
P-) Pirates
!-(
;-) Sardonic incredulity
(č č) You're kidding!
:-" Pursing lips
:-v Just another faŃe2(speaking) profiled from the side
:-V Shout
:-w Speak with forked tongue
:-W Shout with forked tongue
:-r Bleahhh (sticking tongue out)
:-f
:-p
:-1 Smirks
:-,
:-* Oooops (covering mouth with hand)
:-T keeping a straight face (tight-lipped)
:-D said with a smile
:-P
:-y
8ž)
:-o More versions of shouting
:-O
:-š Count Dracula
=đ:-)= Uncle Sam
7:) Reagan
:-=) Hitler
:-# Censored
:či Smoking
:-Q
:čj (and smiling)
:/i No smoking
:-> Alternate happy face
:-( Unhappy
:-c Real unhappy
:-C Unbelieving (jaw dropped)
:-< Forlorn
:-B Drooling (or overbite)
:-đ Disgusted
:-? Licking your lips
<:>== A turkey emoticon
:-) :-) :-) Loud guffaw
:-J Tongue-in-cheek comments
:*) Clowning around
:-8 Talking out both sides of your mouth
(:-) Msgs dealing with bicycle helmets
č= Warning about nuclear war
<:-) For dumb questions
o= A flaming candle for flaming msgs
-= A doused candle to end a flaming msg
OO Headlights on msg
:_) I used to be a boxer, but it really got my nose out
. of joint
B-) Smiling and wearing glasses or sunglasses
8-) Same as previous; also used to denote wide-eyed look
#:-) :-) done by someone with sort of matted hair
:-o "Oh, nooooooo!" (a la Mr. Bill)
#:-o Same as previous
đ-( Late night messages
:ž) Messages teasing people about their noses
:-š#ć Messages teasing people about their braces
(:-$ Message indicating person is ill...
(:-& Message indicating person is angry...
(:-( Message indicating person is VERY sad...
(:ž( Message concerning people with broken noses
(:<) Message concerning blabber mouths
:-(=) Message about people with big teeth
&:-) Message from a person with curly hair
č:-) Message from a person with wavy hair
?-( Message about people with a black eye
*:* Message about fuzzy things
*:** Message about fuzzy things with fuzzy mustaches
%-) Message about people with broken glasses
+<:-đ Message from a monk/nun...
š0-) Message from cyclops...
(:-đK- Formal message.
đđ*( Handshake offered
đđ*) Handshake accepted
<&&> Message concerning rubber chickens
2Bđž2B Message about Shakespeare
(-_-) Secret smile
<š:-)ć Message in a bottle...
<:-)<<đ Message from a space rocket...
(:-... Heart-breaking message...
<<<<(:-) Message from a hat sales-man...
(O--< A fishy message...
(:>-< Message from a thief: hands up!
<I==I) A message on four wheels
š User is Alfred Hitchcock.
č>--->---- A rose.
%ž) smile with glasses
:-ć wearing lipstick
:-Đ popeye smiling face
;-Đ popeye gets his lights punched out
:č) needs a nosejob
:=)
*<đ:-) Santa Claus (Ho Ho Ho)
(-) needing a haircut
0-) wearing scuba mask
:-O Wow!
:- đ Baboon
:-đđ Anger
%-ć Drunk with laughter
*:-) Bobble hat/baby
đ-P yuk
čč:-( net.flame
Ođ-) net.religion
8:-I net.unix-wizards
X-( net.suicide
E-:-I net.ham-radio
3:oŠ net.pets
<:I dunce
(:I egghead
č:I turban
8:-) glasses on forehead
:-8( condescending stare
_O_ Rudolf the waving penguin
english.42gristic,
ččč
:-) Your basic smile. This smile is used to inflect a sarcastic or joking
statement since we can't hear voice inflection over UNIX
ččč
;-) Winky smilie. User just maž%Éa flutatious and/or sarcastic remark. More
of a "don't hit me for what I just said" smilie
ččč
:-( Frowning smilie. User did not like that last statement or is upset or
depressed about something.
ččč
:-I Indifferent smileie. Better than a frowning snilie but not quite as good
as a happy smilie
ččč
Smileys:
:-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than :-)
;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made
(-: User is left handed
%-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours straight
:*) User is drunk
Š:Ć User is a robot
8-) User is wearing sunglasses
B:-) Sunglasses on head
::-) User wears normal glasses
B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses
ččč
Smileys:
8:-) User is a little girl
:-)-8 User is a big girl
:-š) User has a moustache
:-šć User wears lipstick
š:-) User wears a toupee
ć:-) Toupee in an updraft
:-Š User is a vampire
:-E Bucktoothed vampire
:-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing
ččč
Smileys:
:-7 User just made a wry statement
:-* User just ate something sour
:-)ss User drooles
:-ss) User has a cold
:'-( User is crying
:'-) User is so happy s/he is crying
:-č User is screaming
:-# User wears braces (or is called S.Manders, red.)
:ž) User has a broken nose
:v) It's the other way
:_) User's nose is sliding off of his face
ččč
Smileys:
:<) User is from an Ivy League School
:-& User is tongue tied.
=:-) User is a hosehead
-:-) User is a punk rocker
-:-( (real punk rockers don't smile)
:=) User has two noses
ččč
Smileys:
+:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office
':-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning
,:-) Same thing... other side
đ-I User is asleep
đ-O User is yawning/snoring
ččč
:-Q User is a smoker
:-? User smokes a pipe
O-) Megaton Man On Patrol (or else, user is a scuba diver)
O :-) User is an angel (at heart
:-S User just made an incoherent statement
:-D User is laughing (at you!)
:-X User's lips are sealed
ččč
Smileys:
:-C User is really bummed
<đ-) User is Chinese
<đ-( User is Chinese and doesn't like these kind of jokes
:-/ User is sceptical
C=:-) User is a chef
č= User is pro-nuclear war
ččč
Smileys:
*<:-) User is wearing a Santa Claus Hat
E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator
:-9 User is licking his/her lips
%-6 User is braindead
Š:-) User is wearing a walkman
(:I User is an egghead
<:-I U
english.43gristic,
Date: Sun, 17 Feb 91 12:19:17 EST
From: Arthur Paris 315 443 2279 <AEPARISčSUVM>
Subject: btw, RTFM, et al.
To: Multiple recipients of <WP50-LčHEARN>
Here's a sample of email "punctuation", & attitude cues, There is a much
larger "smiley" dictionary that I've seen previously but don't have it
anymore. Maybe someone else on the list has it. Maybe as more and more
of these mail services are moved off of mainframes onto Unix and other
platforms and software systems we'll get back to more conventionally
"ornamented" (underlined, italics, boldface, etc.) discourse.
*******************************************************************
The Unofficial Smilie Dictionary
:-) Your basic smilie. This smilie is used to inflect a sarcastic or
joking statement since we can't hear voice inflection over Unix.
;-) Winky smilie. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark.
More of a "don't hit me fo´t┐Ě"Iš═Đü═ůąĹëü═ÁąŠąĽ╣5:-( Frowning smilie.
User did not like that last statement or is upset
or depressed about something.
:-I Indifferent smilie. Better than a Frowning smilie but not quite as
good as a happy smilie
:-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than a :-).
>:-> User just made a really devilish remark.
>;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made.
-- COMPR6905čUCSVAX.SDSU.EDU
*******************************************************************
Date: Sun, 17 Feb 91 21:04:58 EST
From: Ted W Flory <TFLORYčBRIJWATR>
Subject: Emoticons
To: Multiple recipients of <WP50-LčHEARN>
WP50-L'ers,
Some time ago, Joe Moore posted the following file to CUMREC-L.
I filed it away for future reference. Since WP50-L recently has
been on the subject of email shorthand conventions, I thought perhaps
this might be of interest to the group.
Please keep in mind that WP50-L is used frequently by people who
have little other contact with E-mail lists. Therefore, it probably is
wise to be cautious in the use of these symbols and acronyms on WP50-L.
Smileys and some abbreviations are known well enough so they are
appropriate. In any case, I thought some of you would be interested
in this information.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ted Flory Phone: (703) 828-2501
Director of the Computing Center FAX: (703) 828-2160
Bridgewater College Email: TFLORY č BRIJWATR.BITNET
Bridgewater, Virginia 22812
USA
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------Original Message-------------------------------
Emoticons
Compiled by Joan Friedman
Downloaded from Compuserve, Tapcis Forum
Uploaded to BI-L by Ron Doctor (rdoctorčua1vm)
Š76701,145Ć
SMILE.TXT 15-Jul-89 5422 33
Keywords: ACRONYMS EMOTICONS SMILE GRIN SMIRK SYMBOLS
A list of some of the mysterious acronyms much used on
electronic messaging services. Also an exhaustive listing and
decoding of "Emoticons," or icons of emotion, those bizarre
combinations of punctuation marks that, when you tilt your head
sidewaysA5ć.ÚšĐüĐŻüëĽü┴ąŹĐŇ╔Ľ═üŻÖüÖůŹąůŠüĽß┴╔Ľ══ąŻ╣═Šüů╣Ĺ5worse. Emoticon list
contributed by James Bach 76555,273. File
compiled by Joan Friedman 76701,145.
Acronyms
These acronyms are frequently used as savers of bytes and time in
CIS Forum messages.
CIS = Consumer Information Service (of CompuServe)
RTFM = Read the, uh, Friggin' Manual
PITA = Pain in the "acronym"
BTW = By the way
TSR = Terminate and Stay Resident program
OTOH = On the other hand
OTTH = On the third hand
FWIW = For what it's worth
RSN = Real Soon Now
WYSIWYG = What you see is what you get
PPN = Programmer Project Number. Ie, a CIS user's ID#.
OIC = Oh, I see!
IMHO = In my humble opinion Šthe speaker is never humbleĆ
IMCO = In my considered opinion
g,d&r = grinning, ducking, and running
ASAP = As soon as possible
PDQ = Pretty damn quick
EMOTICONS
č* These "emoticons" Šicons designating emotionsĆ were originally
uploaded to the IBMCOM Forum, DL6, in the files E-ICON.ARC and
ICON2.ARC, and are posted here with the permission of the author,
James Bach 76555,273.
EMOTICON.1
To help telecom-sters clarify just how humorous their postings
are intended to be, here is a collection of the many faces of
humor, emoticon-style.
emoticon: n. a figure created with the symbols on a keyboard that
is read with the head tilted to the left. Used to
convey the spirit in which a line of text was typed.
************************************************************************
* *
* Tilt your head slightly to the left to read the following emoticons. *
* *
************************************************************************
:-) Humor
:-) )-: Masking theatrical comments
:<) For those with hairy lips
:<)= For those with beards too
:/) Not funny
'-) Wink
P-) Pirate
;-) Sardonic incredulity
(č č) You're kidding!
:-" Pursing lips
:-v Just another face (speaking) profiled from the side
:-V Shout
:-w áSbeak with forked tongue
:-W Shout with forked tongue
:-r Bleahhh (sticking tongue out)
:-f
:-p
:-1 Smirks
:-,
<:-O Eeek!
:-* Oooops (covering mouth with hand)
:-T keeping a straight face (tight-lipped)
:-D said with a smile
:-P
:-y
:-o More versions of shouting
:-O
:-š Count Dracula
=:-)= Uncle Sam
7:) Reagan
:-# Censored
:či Smoking
:čj (and smiling)
:/i No smoking
:-I It's something, but I don't know what....
:-x Kiss kiss
:-> Alternate happy face
:-( Unhappy
:-c Real unhappy
:-C Unbelieving (jaw dropped)
:-< Forlorn
:-B Drooling (or overbite)
:- Disgusted
:-? Licking your lips
<:>== A turkey emoticon
:-) :-) :-) Loud guffaw
:-J Tongue-in-cheek comments
:*) ClownIĚ%HXnS╣Ĺ5ů:-8 Talking out both sides of your mouth
(:-) Msgs dealing with bicycle helmets
č= Warning about nuclear war
<:-) For dumb questions
o= A burning candle for flames
-= A doused candle to end a flame
OO Headlights on msg
:_) I used to be a boxer, but it really got my nose out
of joint
****************************************************************
EMOTICON.2
Awhile ago, I posted a set of emoticons, those little faces
denoting various forms of humor. After browsing an internal
bboard, I found even more emoticons - so here is Part II.....
B-) Smiling and wearing glasses or sunglasses
(or a message from Batman)
8-) Same as previous; also used to denote wide-eyed look
#:-) :-) done by someone with sort of matted hair
:-o "Oh, nooooooo!" (a la Mr. Bill)
#:-o Same as previous
-( Late night messages
:ž) Messages teasing people about their noses
:-š#ć Messages teasing people about their braces
(:-$ Message indicating person is ill...
(:-& Message indicating person is angry...
(:-( Message indicating person is VERY sad...
(:ž( Message concerning people with broken noses
(:<) Message concerning blabber mouths
:-(=) Message about people with big teeth
&:-) Message from a person with curly hair
č:-) Message from a person with wavy hair
?-( Message about people with a black eye
*:* Message about fuzzy things
*:** Message about fuzzy things with fuzzy mustaches
%-) Message about people with broken glasses
+<:- Message from a monk/nun...
š0-) Message from cyclops...
(:-K- Formal message.
---... S.O.S.
č%&$%& You know what that means...
*( Handshake offered
*) Handshake accepted
<&&> Message concerning rubber chickens
>< >< Message about/to someone wearing argyle socks
2Bž2B Message about Shakespeare
(-_-) Secret smile
<š:-)ć Message in a bottle...
<:-)<< Message from a space rocket...
(:-... Heart-breaking message...
<<<<(:-) Message from a hat sales-man...
(O--< A fishy message...
(:>-< Message from a thief: hands up!
<I==I) A message on four wheels
:žš For those with mustaches
š Alfred Hitchcock
č>--->---- A rose.
****************************************************************
Toliko. ;)
───────────────────────────────────────────────────
* :-D Try tooth paste for a wider brighter smile.
english.44mpaunovic,
Šta je to pičvajz?
Mudra pička:)
english.45mpaunovic,
No five, no six - ni pet ni sest
we know each odther from little legs (znamo se od malih nogu)
english.46markom,
-> #45, mpaunovic■■■ No five, no six - ni pet ni sest
■■■ we know each odther from little legs (znamo se od malih nogu)
Will you please compile me to the other page of the bus?
(Da li bi ste me molim vas preveli na drugu stranu magistrale?)
Who plums you?
(Ko te šljivi?)
Marko
english.47madamov,
-> #46, markom
> Will you please compile me to the other page of the bus?
^^^^^^^
> (Da li bi ste me molim vas preveli na drugu stranu magistrale?)
Would you be so kind to translate me to another page of the street?
english.49gristic,
-> #48, niklausThis? ;) I love csh! ;)
% make fire
Make: Don't know how to make fire. Stop.
% why not?
No match.
% gotta light?
No match.
% !1984
1984: Event not found. # (na nekim sistemima)
% How's my lovemaking?
Unmatched '.
% "How would you rate Bush's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% ŠWhere is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing Ć.
% ŠWhere is my brain?
Missing Ć.
% žHow did the sex changež operation go?
Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
% Đ(-
(-: Command not found.
% sh
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create
% cd /tmp
% touch this; chmod 000 this
% ln -s /usr/bin/touch U
% U this
U: cannot touch this: no write permission
% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
% ar m God
ar: God does not exist
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
─
% sleep with me
bad character
% žWhat is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% drink <bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found
% alias alias alias
alias: Too dangerous to alias that.
% cat catfood
cat: cannot open catfood
% cat "food in cans"
cat: can't open food in cans
% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.
% man pussy
No manual entry for pussy.
% rm God
rm: God nonexistent
% ar r God
ar: creating God
% Unmatched ".
Unmatched ".
% write desert
desert is not logged on.
% man you
No manual entry for you.
% !bluemoon
bluemoon: Event not found.
% scan for <<"Arnold Schwarzenegger"žJžD
"Arnold Schwarzenegger": << terminator not found
% cat 'the can of tuna'
cat: cannot open the can of tuna
% rm Quayle-brains
rm: Quayle-brains nonexistent
% cat "door: paws too slippery"
cat: cannot open door: paws too slippery
% look into "my eyes"
look: cannot open my eyes
% lost
lost: not found
% make war
Make: Don't know how to make war. Stop.
% mkdir yellow_pages; cat > yellow_pages
yellow_pages: Is a directory
%touch me
%chmod 000 me
%touch me
touch: cannot touch me: permission denied
% ar x "my love life"
ar: my love life does not exist
% ar x "matey, the treasure"
ar: matey, the tresure does not exist
% talk GorvachevčKremlin
talk: Kremlin: Can't figure out network address.
% talk Comrade Khruchev
ŠYour party is not logged onĆ
make "bottle open"
make "heads or tails of all this"
make love
make mistake
make sense
man woman
man -kisses dog
Pozdrav,
Goran
──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────
* Unix and the world Unix with you; VAX and you VAX alone.
english.50fancy,
-> #47, madamovŮŢ> Would you be so kind to translate me to another page of the street?
^^^^^^
in face
english.51gristic,
THE ABC'S OF UNIX
A is for Awk, which runs like a snail, and
B is for Biff, which reads all your mail.
C is for CC, as hackers recall, while
D is for DD, the command that does all.
E is for Emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
F is for Fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
G is for Grep, a clever detective, while
H is for Halt, which may seem defective.
I is for Indent, which rarely amuses, and
J is for Join, which nobody uses.
K is for Kill, which makes you the boss, while
L is for Lex, which is missing from DOS.
M is for More, from which Less was begot, and
N is for Nice, which it really is not.
O is for Od, which prints out thhgs nice, while
P is for Passwd, which reads in strings twice.
Q is for Quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
R is for Ranlib, for sorting ar ŠsicĆ table.
S is for Spell, which attempts to belittle, while
T is for True, which does very little.
U is for Uniq, which is used after Sort, and
V is for Vi, which is hard to abort.
W is for Whoami, which tells you your name, while
X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
Y is for Yes, which makes an impression, and
Z is for Zcat, which handles compression.
Pozdrav,
Goran
────────────────────────────────────────────────────
* OS/2 VirusScan - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/y)"
english.52asterix,
The Beast and the Bobbitt.
english.53.bale.,
-> #47, madamov> Would you be so kind to translate me to another page of the street?
Neee... to the second page in face.
english.54asterix,
-> #52, asterix
> The Beast and the Bobbitt.
:)))))))) Htedoh reći u stvari ovo:
The Beauty and the Bobbitt.
english.55gristic,
Od noćas prikazujemo:
VAX Trek V The Movie: "The Crunchy Bits"
----------------------------------------
These are the voyages of the VAXShip Enterkey..Its five cpu minute mission
to seek out and destroy all slightly dodgy files...To boldly split infinitives
where there's no grammar teacher to slap our wrists....
Captain's log, CPU Time: 3:45 point 31
--------------------------------------
Nothing much happening. Had quite a nice chicken curry for breakfast. Walked
about a bit. Went to the toilet on deck 4. Ignored a few insignificant crew
members in red jerseys. Now sitting on the bridge writing this log, but I'm
about to be interrupted by Scotty.
Scotty: "Scott to bridge..Scott to bridge.."
Jim: "Go ahead Mr. Scott.."
Scotty: "Cap'n Cap'n...the dilithium crystals canna take any more!"
Jim: "Alright alright you have permission to divert the power back to the main
engines and disconnect my home beer making kit."
Scotty: "Thanks cap'n"
Jim: "Attention everyone, it's jersey colour allocation day today..."
Sulu: "Aw siiiir...do we HAVE to?? We always end up with same colour jerseys
anyway..."
Jim: "Listen..this must be seen to be a democratically run ship...The plebs
on the lower decks have to believe the allocation is fair otherwise we'd have
mutiny on our hands. Hence the weekly jersey allocation game. But of course
we cleverly arrange it that they always lose, and end up with the red ones."
Scotty: "So why do I get a red one?"
Jim: "Don't you see?..someone important has to have one to make them believe
it's perfectly safe to wear a red one....but of course yours just LOOKS red..
it's really one of the yellow ones with a special holographic colour refractor
built in."
Spock: "It's perfectly logical....Captain"
Jim: "Shut up Spock, you pointy eared wierdo"
Spock: "As I am completely devoid of emotion, anger isn't something I suffer
from..but I would warn you that if you persist in these insults I'll kick your
teeth in."
Jim: "You do value having a BLUE jersey Spock don't you?"
Spock: "Emmm....yes captain"
Jim: "Any more of your lip and you'll be allocated a red one...."
Spock: "sorry sir...won't happen again"
Lt.Uhura: "Sir,..is my red jersey really a yellow one like Mr.Scott's?"
Jim: "No...yours is a real red one....you get killed in the next episode.."
Lt.Uhura: "In that case I'll just resign from the show before the next episode.
I can get another acting job easily."
Jim: "Fair enough...but how do you propose to get home?"
Lt.Uhura: "..But I thought..."
Jim: "I know..you thought we were in a studio set somewhere in Hollywood?"
Lt.Uhura: "..basically...yes.."
Jim: "..A popular misconception....don't worry though...we meet up with a
supply ship returning to earth in two episode's time."
Lt.Uhura: "...but i get killed in the next episode..it'll be too late"
Jim: "Hmm...Scotty..if we fed the output of the warp drive exciter windings
into the main neutrino pulse modulator, reversed the polarity on the
fusion reactor field, and plugged the pacman cartridge into the games console
in the level 3 rec. room, would that allow us to make episode 3 happen before
episode 2?"
Scotty: "No....but if we press this big orange button here...."
NEXT WEEK: Episode 3.
NEXT NEXT WEEK: Episode 2.
...you're a genius scotty...
Credits:
-------
Story by: DJY
Special Effects: DJY
Photon Torpedoes Supplied By: DJY
VAX Computer System kindly run by: Those Great Computer Centre People
Things Fall By: The force of gravity.
Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week...
Zainteresovani?
───────────────────────────────────────────────
* A VAX is virtually a computer, but not quite.
english.57gristic,
VAX Trek V The Movie: "The Crunchy Bits"
----------------------------------------
Episode 3:
----------
Captain's log, CPU Time: 4:42 point 42
--------------------------------------
By a stroke of genius, Scotty has managed to make episode 3 happen before
episode 2, thus saving Lt.Uhura's life. We expect to rendezvous soon with an
earth bound supply ship, which Lt.Uhura will journey home aboard...thus
avoiding
the untimely death which would have befallen her if she'd stayed on till
episode 2.
Jim:"Mr.Sulu..let me know when we hit the supply ship."
Spock: "Jim..."
Jim: "Quiet Spock!..can't you see I'm talking to Mr. Sulu?"
Sulu:"Be fair captain, my driving isn't THAT bad."
Jim: "Well try not to do so much damage this time....the Federation had to
write-off the last supply ship we hit, and you killed 500 crew members. It's
just as well they were all red jersey grade or you'd have been up for a
Federation Court Martial."
Sulu: "I've taken lessons since then...I can steer the ship fine now."
Spock: "Jim..."
Jim: "Shut up Spock...I'm still addressing Mr.Sulu..."
Sulu: "As I was saying...I've now realised that the secret of steering the
EnterKey properly is to look where you're going...quite obvious really."
Spock: "Jim..I hate to interrupt your enthralling conversation with Mr.Sulu,
but the fact that we are about to collide with a large planet might
be of considerable interest to both of you."
Jim: "Hooooooooolllleeeeeeeeeeeee Sh** !!!!!"
Sulu: "..I beg your pardon?"
Jim: "Quick you fool!..slam on the brakes!..Scotty give us full reverse warp
drive power!!!!"
Scotty: "The dilithium crystals canna take it captain..."
Jim: "Right!..activate the flashing red lights and start up the whooping sirens
...this is a red alert...we're going to have to attempt a crash
landing"
Sulu: "Are you sure we can do that sir?"
Jim: "Yes you idiot...it's in the script. That big green button to your left
that wasn't there last week lowers the undercarriage."
Sulu: "Oh!..so THAT's what it does...ok then..undercarriage lowered...we're
going in....hang on to yer trousers...."
Frodo sat in his favourite chair by the fire, in his comfortable little
Hobbit hole at Bag End, sipping tea and enjoying a good smoke on his pipe..
It was finest grade pot from the eastern marches, and its full effect was now
coming over Frodo...Gandalf, lounging in the other chair, now looked like a
little pink fluffy elephant, which would periodically flap its ears and float
around the room. Gandalf meanwhile...who was also partaking of the evil weed
FELT like he was a little pink fluffy elephant that periodically flapped its
ears and floated round the room.
"Like heaveee man...what was that bang I just heard?", said Gandalf..suddenly
sitting bolt upright in his chair and straining to hear the commotion outside
the window.
"It's just the start of the percussion section.....you know..we're on the third
side now....", replied Frodo.
"I knew I should never have bought you Tales From Topographic Oceans...and that
bloody record player is an anachronism anyway...you should get rid of it.",
said Gandalf as he got up from his chair and staggered toward the small round
window.
"Oh bugger....it's that idiot Kirk again and his bloody starship...they've
crash landed right in the middle of Hobbiton.", exclaimed Gandalf with faint
signs of annoyance sweeping over his face. He straightened out his flares,
buckled his sandals and made for the door...with Frodo scurrying after in a
state of bemused excitement....
Next Week: Episode 2.
Credits:
-------
Story by: DJY
Special Effects: DJY
Photon Torpedoes Supplied By: DJY
VAX Computer System kindly run by: Those Great Computer Centre People
Prevailing wind and weather patterns by: The Coriolis Effect.
Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week...for another thrilling
episode.
───────────────────────────────────────────
* Forget the computer! Where's my abacus?
english.58rzoltan,
-> #46, markom/ Who plums you?
Who cuts your hair if you're not from Nish?
english.59gristic,
Vičite kad vam dosadi...
VAX Trek V The Movie: "The Crunchy Bits"
----------------------------------------
Episode 2:
----------
Captain's log, CPU Time: 4:50 point 42
--------------------------------------
We have crash landed on a strange little planet which wasn't on any of the
standard Federation star maps...or at least that's Mr.Sulu's excuse.
Until we either fix or replace the burned out dilithium crystals in the warp
drive unit we cannot take off.
Scotty: "You BASTARD!!"
Jim: "Pardon???!?"
Scotty: "You do it deliberately don't you?..you wreck my engines every
episode."
Jim: "Calm down Scotty...I promise we'll get them fixed.."
Scotty: "..you've been taking a sneak look at the script again haven't you??"
Jim: "emmm...er...no of course not...I just get the feeling we'll get them
fixed by the end of today's episode."
Scotty: "...and how do you propose to go about fixing them?"
Jim: "Well first of course we'll need a landing party...Any volunteers?"
Spock: "I'll come..."
Scotty: "...och ok I'll come.."
Jim: "Right let's go...we'll pick up a few red jerseyed guards on the way
down..."
Š10 minutes later, they stand outside the EnterKey on what appears to be
a rough cobbled roadĆ
Jim: "Hmmm..a road eh...a sign of civilisation....set your phasers to 'kill'.
Give me a tricorder reading Spock."
Spock: "Atmosphere: breathable oxygen/nitrogen mixture..."
Scotty: "..I should bloody well hope so.....and anyway..Federation Standard
Landing Party Procedure states that tricorder readings of atmospheric
content should take place BEFORE we set foot on the planet"
Spock: "That's Federation bureaucrats for you....Someone should point out
to them that it's only possible to take a tricorder reading once
you're actually there..."
Scotty: "but...but...but what happens if the atmosphere wasn't breathable?"
Spock: "It always is...."
Jim: "Anything else on the tricorder Spock?"
Spock: "Yes I'm picking up some primitive radio frequency signals...
...here listen..."
Š...it's a brand new dance now...come on baby..do the locomotion...Ć
Jim: "..primitive indeed..."
Spock: "I bet she's got nice legs though.."
Jim: "Spock!..what's wrong with you...that was Scotty's line..."
Scotty: "Never mind that...look!"
ŠScotty points frantically at an angry crowd approaching...led by a tall
white bearded old man in a funny pointed hatĆ
Jim: "Right ..guards...blast them first..ask questions later.."
ŠThe two red-jerseyed guards step forward, arm their phasers and take aim...Ć
(uuuh...and the question is Emlyn...WHAT happened next?)
********************* Next Week: Episode 4. ************************
Credits:
-------
Story by: DJY
Special Effects: DJY
Photon Torpedoes Supplied By: DJY
VAX Computer System kindly run by: Those Great Computer Centre People
Missiles launched by: Mistake
Tune in again...same time...same channel...same BBS...tomorrow night...
...for another thrilling episode.
──────────────────────────────────────────────
* After all life is only part of Computing !!!
english.61gristic,
VAX Trek V The Movie: "The Crunchy Bits"
----------------------------------------
Episode 4:
----------
[...we left our heroes at the end of episode three (which was actually episode
two of course) in a bit of a predicament.
Advancing towards them was a very angry looking crowd of natives led by
a tall old man with a white beard and a funny pointed hat.
Captain Kirk gave the order to fire on the advancing crowd before it
was too late....]
Captain's log, Star date 4:59.42 (entry made by outdoor battery operated log)
--------------------------------
We are completely surrounded by a VERY angry crowd of natives...Two of our
guards have just been blasted by the old man with the beard who seemed to
get rather upset when they first hit him with a couple of volleys of phaser
fire. Luckily he seems to have calmed down somewhat, and is approaching me
now..probably to parley....hold on he's getting very close and is still walking
at quite a pace.....umph!...
Gandalf: "Oh eck...sorry....eyesight's not s'good as it used to be..."
Jim: (picking himself up off the ground and dusting off the...err..dust..(for
want of a better word)) "That's alright"
Gandalf: "What were those red things, by the way?....were they annoying you
too?...I thought i better get rid of them before they did any harm"
Jim: "Those red THINGS were members of my......err....actually no...
I DON'T know what they were....It IS lucky you blasted them...they were
about to attack us all I think"
Spock: (in a confidential whisper) "Well done Captain...your diplomatic skills
might be the best way to get around these savages"
Jim: "Why thank you Spock...come to my cabin later on when we get back to the
ship"
Gandalf: "Stop muttering Kirk....I'm very angry with you"
Jim (spluttering): "How do you know my name!??!?"
Gandalf: "Remember the old man you used to use as phaser target practice
when you were at Federation cadet school?"
Jim: "Emmm..yes...that was YOU?"
Gandalf: "Nope...I was his walking stick. I went through a bit of a phase
in my early years....just research really...into the day to day lives
of
inanimate objects....but that's all irrelevant now. WHAT do you mean by
disrupting the lives of these little people!"
Jim: "I'm sorry about all this trouble we've caused, but we crash-landed
I'm afraid. Our engines are completely useless until we can either
repair or replace our burnt out dylithium crystals..."
Gandalf: "Bugger that!...we want you out of here by teatime or else we'll
have to take severe action!"
Jim: (glancing nervously at the two dead guards) "emm...right we'll do our
best.."
Spock: (pointing at a small bearded person pushing a wheelbarrow)
"I think we may be in luck Captain"
Jim: "Who is he?"
Gandalf: "Damn dwarf of course.....They're building what they call the
very latest in large scale construction projects...the Hobbiton
Megadrome....It's basically an urban bypass, conference centre,
shopping mall and ring-road all rolled into one.....Groan...what
am I doing..standing here nattering to you lot...I'm off...and
I expect you to be gone by teatime remember!"
Scotty: "Look Captain!..in the wheelbarrow...Dylithium crystals!"
Jim: "Right...we'll play this strictly by the book...Spock, remind me of
Federation standard code on opening friendly talks with alien
lifeforms"
Spock: "Subsection 5, paragraph 39a, clause 1: Hail the alien lifeforms
in a friendly and diplomatic manner."
Jim: "Oi!.Shorty!..Get yer backside over here with that wheelbarrow!"
Dwarf: (drawing a rather lethal looking axe from his belt) "Kryvh ne grok!"
Spock: "I think we have a communication problem here Captain..."
Jim: "Rubbish!..he understood me perfectly! He's becoming tiresome anyway.
Go and dispose of him with your Vulcan death grip and we can swipe
the Dylithium."
Spock: "I see a subtle flaw in that plan Captain... I fear I would not
get close enough to administer the grip without my arms falling
victim to the thrusts of his mighty weapon"
Jim: "..I love it when you talk dirty.."
Scotty: "I have a better plan.....we could all pretend to run off in sheer
terror....he chases us...leaves the wheelbarrow...and Spock slips back
to grab the crystals..."
Jim: "I don't think any 'pretending' will be necessary...but anyway it's a
brilliant plan! ....ok..on the count of 3...1.2.3...RUN for it!"
[**** 20 minutes later on board the Enterprise ****]
Spock: "The new crystals are installed and the warp engines are now fully
operational, Captain."
Jim: "That's all very well, but we've got a mad axe-wielding maniac of
diminutive stature loose on the ship somewhere! He's already minced a
troop of guards on deck 3..."
Spock: "How did he get on board?"
Jim: "He chased us all the way!..we didn't have time to shut the door behind
us!....We'll have to forget about him till later....We have more
urgent matters to attend to...like getting off this planet....What
time do you make it Mr.Sulu?"
Sulu: "230x9.5.400.45 Fed-secs, sir"
Jim: "Give me that in English, Sulu"
Sulu: "About teatime, sir"
Jim: "Hit the gas pedal Sulu!..NOW!!"
Sulu: "Aye aye Captain"
Spock: (Thinking quietly to himself): Hmmm, I'm sure there's something in
the Federation Code of Practice about not using warp drive in
populated areas.....ah, what the hell........
Ho hum.....eh?...That's funny...I seem to remember Lt.Uhura being
taller...and dear oh dear, that beard doesn't suit her at all....
********************* Next Week: Episode 5. ************************
Galactic Credits:
----------------
Story by: DJY
Special Effects: DJY (with help from an old
washing up liquid bottle)
Transporter Powered By: Duracell batteries
VAX Computer System kindly run by: Those Great Computer Centre Peeps
Missiles launched by: Computer Error
Dwarves supplied by: Zorko's Dwarf Emporium
Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week...for another thrilling
episode....and remember...In Space..No One Can Hear You Being-Sliced-Neatly
In-Two-By-A-Slightly-Upset-Axe-Wielding-Dwarf.
───────────────────────────────────────────────
* We're going to make you IBM compatible HAL...
english.62gristic,
VAX Trek V The Movie: "The Crunchy Bits"
----------------------------------------
Episode 5:
----------
Captain's Log Stardate 3.1415927
--------------------------------
We are cruising at warp factor 3 in a previously uncharted corner of the
galaxy and...
Spock: "Excuse me for interrupting Captain, but must you use such simplistic
and inaccurate language? The word "corner" just has no meaning in relation
to the concepts of space and time, indeed it is even theorised that the words
space and time themselves are ultimately just labels for indescribable
and poorly understood deeper concepts."
Jim: "....You do the damn log then smarty.."
[**** BUMP !!! ****]
Jim: "..What the..."
Sulu: "Captain!..We've stoppped dead!"
Jim: "Not AGAIN!...what have you hit THIS time....Yawn...Bring up
the forward view on the screen."
Sulu: "Aye aye Captain"
Jim: "I don't believe it.....I just DON'T believe it..."
Spock: "...highly illogical.."
Sulu: "It would appear to be a large...wall..in fact..two large brick
walls...meeting at approximately 90 degrees to each other....."
Spock: "Groan..."
Jim: "Ok Spock, you're fired."
Spock: "But Captain!"
Jim: "No buts....you're off at the next Federation Starbase"
Spock: "Wait...this CAN'T be right...let me try something..."
[Fiddles with various scanner controls...]
Spock: "There! The scanners indicate the presence of 3 Klingon ships
behind the walls...It's obviously just an image thrown up by
their cloaking device."
Jim: "Klingons!..I might have known....but how can a holographic image
from a cloaking device actually feel solid?...we did get quite a
thump when we hit it after all..."
Spock: "Ah....good point"
[There is an explosion on the forward viewer and a gaping hole appears in
one of the walls...through which 3 Klingon battlecruisers emerge...]
Spock: "Bang goes that theory..if you pardon the pun"
Jim: "This is getting silly....who's writing this week's episode?"
Sulu: "Scanners indicate that it's the same writer as for the other
episodes"
Jim: "Ok...we'll trust that he can get us out of this convincingly...
Anyway....Uhura...open all hailing frequencies and make contact
with the Klingon vessels"
Uhura: "Aye aye sir..."
Jim: "...and one other thing Uhura....get that beard seen to"
Uhura: (Standing up suddenly brandishing a phaser) "Grrrrr! Ok I've had
enough of you Kirk......All of you...over there..and get your hands up"
********************* Next Week: Episode 6. ************************
Galactic Credits:
----------------
Story by: DJY
Special Effects: DJY
Spock's Ears: Sort of pointy
Transporter Powered By: Duracell batteries
VAX Computer System kindly run by: Those Great Computer Centre Peeps
Impostor Uhura Supplied By: Zorko's Dwarf Emporium
Tune in again..same time..same channel...same BBS...tomorrow night...
for another thrilling episode.
SPECIAL OFFER: Get your own Tricorder, just like Mr. Spock's, for only
2 pounds 99p, from:
Starship Enterprises,
Mr.Spock's *Official* Tricorder Offer,
PO Box 42,
Pythagoras Street,
Planet Vulcan.
────────────────────────────────────────────────
* Blessed are the pessimists, they make backups.
english.63markom,
Ne znam da li je bilo, al' ajde :)
----------------------------------
Forgotten Assembly Language Commands
BBT Branch on binary tree PD Play dead
BBW Branch both ways PDSK Punch disk
BEW Branch either way PI Punch invalid
BH Branch and hang POPI Punch operator immediately
BMR Branch multiple registers
BOB Branch on bug PS* Punch obscenity
BOD Beat on drum PSD Pause and smoke dope
BOI Byte operator immediately PVLC Punch variable length card
BPDI Be polite, don't interrupt RD Reverse directions
BPO Branch on power off RDS Read sideways
BST Backspace and stretch tape RIRG Read inter-record gap
CEMU Close eyes and monkey RPM Read programmer's mind
with user space RSC Read and shred card
CLBR Clobber register RSD On read error self destruct
CLBRI Clobber register immediately RSTOM Read from store-only memory
CM Circulate memory
CPAR Crumple paper and rip RWCR Rewind card reader
CRB Crash and burn SHAB Shift a bit
CRR Convert to Roman Numerals SHLBM Shift a little bit more
CU Convert to unary
CZZC Convert zone to ZIP code SMR Skip on meaningless result
DC Divide and conquer
DWIMNWIS Do what I mean,not what I say SOT Sit on a tack
SQSW Scramble program status word
DMPK Destroy memory protect key
DNPG Do not pass go SQPC Sit quietly and play
DO Divide and overflow with your crayons
EIOC Execute invalid opcode SRSD Seek record and scar
EMPC Emulate pocket calculator disk
EPI Execute programmer SRZ Subtract and reset to
immediately zero
EROS Erase read-only storage SSJ Select stacker and jam
EXOP Execute operator
EXPP Execute political STROM Store in read-only
prisoner memory
FSRA Forms skip and run away TDB Transfer and drop
GFD Go forth and divide bits
GFM Go forth and multiply UER Update and erase
HCF Halt and catch fire record
IBP Insert bug and proceed WBT Water binary tree
IIB Ignore inquiry and branch WEMG Write eighteen-minute
LCC Load and clear core gap
MBF Multiply and be WPM Write programmer's
fruitful mind
MLR Move and lose record XSP Execute systems
PBC Print and break chain programmer
english.64markom,
Assembler - A Formula I race car. Very fast, but difficult to drive
and expensive to maintain.
FORTRAN II - A Model T Ford. Once it was king of the road.
FORTRAN IV - A Model A Ford.
FORTRAN 77 - A six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission
and no seat belts.
COBOL - A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly, but it does the work.
BASIC - A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched
upholstery. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive.
You'll ditch the car as soon as yoo can afford a new one.
PL/I - A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission,
a two-tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust
pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield.
C - A black Firebird, the all-macho car. Comes with
optional seat belts (lint) and optional fuzz buster
(escape to assembler).
ALGOL 60 - An Austin Mini. Boy, that's a small car!
Pascal - A Volkswagen Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once
popular with intellectuals.
Modula II - A Volkswagen Rabbit with a trailer hitch.
ALGOL 68 - An Aston Martin. An impressive car, but not just anyone
can drive it.
LISP - An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are
not available.
PROLOG/LUCID - Prototype concept-cars.
Maple/MACSYMA - All-terrain vehicles.
FORTH - A go-cart.
LOGO - A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real
engine and a working horn.
APL - A double-decker bus. It takes rows and columns of
passengers to the same place all at the same time. But, it
drives only in reverse gear, and is instrumented in Greek.
Ada - An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering,
power brakes and automatic transmission are all standard.
No other colors or options are available. If it's good
enough for the generals, it's good enough for you.
Manufacturing delays due to difficulties reading the
design specifications are starting to clear up.
english.65markom,
Q: Do you know, how the two Software Engineers change a lightbulb?
A: They never would do that; that's a hardware problem!
english.66gristic,
-> #63, markom'Ajd i ja na tu temu. Nisam upore|ivao da li li~e.
Since no one seems to be able to come up with a definitive list, here is
one that hangs around on our machines. I have no idea of the origin and
could not hope to trace it. The first (long) block is the 'original'
set that we have and the others are later additions. I'm slighty
surprised tho find that it doesn't seem to have BBW - branch both ways.
Share and enjoy!
Some more ASSEMBLER instructions for advanced programmers:
BBI - branch on burned-out indicator
BRH - branch and hang
BPO - branch and power off
INV - inquire and ignore
RPB - reverse polarity and branch
BRB - branch on beaver
RWT - read and write while stretching tape
DOV - divide and overflow
SRZ - subtract and reset to zero
ARZ - add and reset to zero
SSW - scramble status word
PIC - print invalid character
RCS - read card and scramble data
SSJ - select stacker and jam
RCR - rewind card reader
FSR - form skip and runaway
SSD - stacker select disk
EJD - eject disk
RWD - rewind disk
BSD - backspace dick
PCD - punch disk
PCO - punch operator
WWR - write wrong record
WNR - write noise record
EIO - execute invalid op-code
EXO - execute operator
TRD - transfer and drop bit
ECP - erase card punch
RIG - read inter-record gap
ERS - erase read-only storage
DMP - destroy memory protect key
UER - epdate and erase record
MLR - move and lose record
DIA - develop ineffective address
HCF - halt and catch fire
SCP - scatter printer
RTP - reduce thruput (sic)
LRB - lose record and branch
JLP - jump and lose pointer
RST - rewind and stretch tape
RDI - reverse disk immediate
BRL - branch and leak
UCB - uncouple comms, lines and break
SWT - select wrong terminal
SSM - stacker select memory
DIH - disable interrupts and hang
RWH - rewind and crash heads
VMA - violate maintenance agreement
VFE - violate field engineer
DIF - disable fuses
DFA - disable fans
BRO - branch and overheat
EAL - enable A.C. to logic rack
MES - melt ether station
RIL - recite indecent limerick
ISR - increment serial register
CBE - cause bus error
MMR - mouse move random
EAO - enable A.C. to operator
ENG - enable gravity
DIG - disable gravity
LUM - lubricate memory
ESP - enable sprinkler system
BSI - back up on sewer immediate
JOB - jump on beaver
NCW - notch carriage and way
ENA - enable everything
DIE - disable everything
More assembler instructions
JRA Jump to random address
RPM Replace mainframe
RPP Replace programmer
UIN Use imaginary numbers
HFU Hang to frustrate user
BLV Blow valve
PLW Plug wires
UPW Unplug wires
DRF Delete random file
DRD Delete random directory
DMR Demount random filesystem
More assembler instructions - for communications programming
CMA Connect modem to Australia
HPN Hack Pentagon
DHT Dial Hit-line
PPH Phone phreak !
RVB Randomly vary baud rate
CRL Crossed line
DET Disable Ethernet
100 Call Operator
More assembler instructions - for AI programming
GNI Guess next input
INI Ignore next input
PAU Patronise user
ANM Animate mouse
JCO Jump to conclusion
JWC Jump to wrong conclusion
ARP Apply resolution principle
MRP Misapply resolution principle
AOR Apply Occam's Razor
────────────────────────────────────
* ORG.ASM Not Found. Wife not happy!
english.67gristic,
-> #64, markomA ovo je nastavak ... ;)
PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES ARE LIKE WOMEN
by: Daniel J. Salomon
Department of Computer Science, University of Waterloo
Waterloo, Ontario, Canada N2L 3G1
There are so many programming languages available that it can be
very difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right
one for you. On the other hand most men know what kind of woman
appeals to them. So here is a handy guide for many of the popular
programming languages that describes what kind of women they would be
if programming languages were women.
Assembler - A female track star who holds all the world speed
records. She is hard and bumpy, and so is not that
pleasant to embrace. She can cook up any meal, but needs
a complete and detailed recipe. She is not beautiful or
educated, and speaks in monosyllables like "MOV, JUMP,
INC". She has a fierce and violent temper that make her
the choice of last resort.
FORTRAN - Your grey-haired grandmother. People make fun of her
just because she is old, but if you take the time to
listen, you can learn from her experiences and her mis-
takes. During her lifetime she has acquired many useful
skills in sewing and cooking (subroutine libraries) that
no younger women can match, so be thankful she is still
around. She has a notoriously bad temper and when
angered will start yelling and throwing dishes. It was
mostly her bad temper that made grandad search for
another wife.
COBOL - A plump secretary. She talks far too much, and most of
what she says can be ignored. She works hard and long
hours, but can't handle really complicated jobs. She has
a short and unpredictable temper, so no one really likes
working with her. She can cook meals for a huge family,
but only knows bland recipes.
BASIC - The horny divorcee that lives next door. Her specialty
is seducing young boys and it seems she is always readily
available for them. She teaches them many amazing
things, or at least they seem amazing because it is their
first experience. She is not that young herself, but
because she was their first lover the boys always
remember her fondly. Her cooking and sewing skills are
mediocre, but largely irrelevant, its the frolicking that
the boys like.
The opinion that adults have of Mrs. BASIC is varied.
Shockingly, some fathers actually introduce their own
sons to this immoral woman! But generally the more
righteous adults try to correct the badly influenced
young men by introducing them to well behaved women like
Miss Pascal.
PL/I - A bordello madam. She wears silk dresses, diamonds, furs
and red high heels. At one time she seemed very attrac-
tive, but now she just seems overweight and tacky.
Tastes change.
C - A lady executive. An avid jogger, very healthy, and not
too talkative. Is an good cook if you like spicy food.
Unless you double check everything you say (through LINT)
you can unleash her fierce temper. Here daughter C++ is
still quite young and prone to tantrums, but it seems
that she will grow up into a fine young woman of milder
temper and more sophisticated character.
ALGOL 60 - Your fathers wartime sweetheart, petite, well propor-
tioned, and sweet tempered. She disappeared mysteriously
during the war, but your dad still talks about her
shapely form and their steamy romance. He never actually
tasted much of her cooking, but they did exchange simple
recipes by mail.
Pascal - A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60's younger sister.
Like her sister she is petite and attractive, but very
bossy. She is a good cook but only if the recipe
requires no more than one pot (module).
Modula II - A high-school teacher and Pascal's daughter. Very much
like her mother, but she has learned to cook with more
than one pot.
ALGOL 68 - Algol 60's niece. A high-society woman, well educated
and terse. Few men can fully understand her when she
talks, and her former lovers still discuss her mysterious
personality. She is very choosy about her romances and
won't take just any man as her lover. She hasn't been
seen lately, and rumor has it that she died in a fall
from an ivory tower.
LISP - She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune
with her hippie cousins SMALLTALK and FORTH. Many men
(mostly college students) who have visited the farmhouse,
enthusiastically praise the natural food, and perpetual
love-ins that take place there. Others criticize the
long cooking times, and the abnormal sexual postures
(prefix and postfix). Although these women seldom have
full-time jobs, when they do work, their employers praise
them for their imagination, but usually not for their
efficiency.
APL - A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food. She can cook
delicious meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens
of people at each table. She doesn't talk much, as that
would just slow her work down. Few people can understand
her recipes, since they are in a foreign language, and
are all recorded in mirror writing.
LOGO - A grade-school art teacher. She is just the kind of
teacher that you wish you had when you were young. She
is shapely and patient, but not an interesting conversa-
tionalist. She can cook up delicious kiddie snacks, but
not full-course meals.
LUCID & PROLOG -
These clever teenagers show a new kind of cooking skill.
They can cook-up fine meals without the use of recipes,
working solely from a description of the desired meal
(declarative cooking). Many men are fascinated by this
and have already proposed marriage. Others complain that
the girls work very slowly, and that often the descrip-
tion of the meal must be just as long as a recipe would
be. It is hard to predict what these girls will be like
when they are fully mature.
Ada - A WAC colonel built like an amazon. She is always set-
ting strict rules, but if you follow them, she keeps her
temper. She is quite talkative, always spouting army
regulations, and using obscure military talk. You gotta
love her though, because the army says so.
Ima toga jo{. Mrzi me da kopam.
────────────────────────────────────
* A sysop's wife is a lonely one ...
english.68gristic,
VAX Trek V The Movie: "The Crunchy Bits"
----------------------------------------
Episode 6:
----------
Captain's Log Stardate 42.424242
--------------------------------
We are being held at gunpoint by an impostor who was posing as Uhura, and
to make matters worse, we are confronted by three Klingon battlecruisers..
Uhura: "Oi! what do you think you're doing! Get back over there and keep
your hands up!"
Jim: "I was just doing my Captain's log"
Uhura: "I'll DO you if you don't watch it Kirk"
Spock: "Little man, if he DOESN'T do the log then Starfleet Command will send
out a patrol ship to look for us. And then we'd be rescued, you'd be
caught, hung, and then given a fair trial. You wouldn't want that
would you?"
Uhura: "As long as you didn't put anything in the log that might arouse
their suspicions..."
Jim: "Oh no no, nothing of the sort....Just the usual stuff about the
engines, the crew, the ship in general really."
Uhura: "...Nothing about me?"
Jim: "Nope...it completely slipped my mind that you were here actually.."
Uhura: "Hmm..alright then...but check with me next time you want to do
anything."
Jim: (whispering) "phew!...that was a close one Spock....how long till
Starfleet get here with the heavy artillery?"
Spock: (whispering) "3.4212 hours approximately Captain"
Jim: "Damn...how can we hold out here for over 3 hours?...I feel like I need
to go and powder my nose already..."
Checkov: "Here Captain, you can use mine" (producing a make-up set from his
handbag)
Jim: "Groan...Checkov...you must learn not to translate everything literally
into Russian...when I say I want to powder my nose I mean...oh
forget it......."
Uhura: "Look you lot!..Stop muttering...just keep your hands up, and keep
quiet!" (fiddling with a few switches on the communications panel)
"Purple Hamster calling Klingon battlecruisers, come in please...
Purple Hamster to Klingon battlecruisers..."
["This is Brown Envelope to Purple Hamster...we read you loud and clear.."]
Uhura: "I have the crew at gunpoint....please come aboard.."
Jim: "Why the dirty little!!....He's a Klingon agent..."
Uhura: "Very observant of you Kirk...."
Jim: "What are you after ...you..fiend!"
Uhura: "For many years the Klingons have been trying to capture a Federation
Starship...and at last we have succeeded..."
Spock: "...The Federation's greatest technical secrets are incorporated
into its starships.....they'll find out the secret of the warp drive
system.......how our weapons work....how our transporters work..."
Uhura: "Bugger all that.....we want to find out how to make our doors
go 'Sheesh'"
Jim: "How do you know OUR doors go ...'Sheesh'?"
Uhura: "It's no use pretending Kirk, we have evidence...It took us many years
to find out, but our greatest scientists
built a new sensor device that could be used to detect the door
noises on nearby starships..."
Spock: (whispering to jim) "..very ingenious....but also extremely pointless..
...Typical of the Klingons really....they've a lot to learn...
..and it has a lot to do with why we got our own TV series and they
didn't..."
Uhura: "Shut up.....and stand at attention...prepare to salute Commander
F.J.Trouserpress of the Imperial Klingon battle legion..."
[Trumpet fanfare, as the main doors to the bridge open.....]
********************* Next Week: Episode 7. ************************
Galactic Credits:
----------------
Story by: DJY
Special Effects: Available at extra cost
Transporter Powered By: Duracell batteries
VAX Computer System kindly run by: Those Great Computer Centre Peeps
Impostor Uhura Supplied By: Zorko's Dwarf Emporium
Phasers: Set to 'kill'
Tune in again..same time..same channel...same BBS...tomorrow night...
for another thrilling episode.
──────────────────────────────────────────────────
* SYSOP's read minds. But QWKly, very, very QWKly!
english.69dejanr,
PART I
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
I am a new uzer. I am ate yearz old and I have just gotten my
first modem. I like to download lotsa files as long as you don't
hafta upload in return. Pleez give me access on your bord.
Joe Blow.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
I have given you minimal access in the kiddie file and message
areas. We suggest that you learn to spell and learn your proper place
in this community before attempting higher levels of access.
SysOp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
I kant figure out how to D/L [note user's discovery of BBS
abbreviations]. I have tried to use XModem with no sucsess, and then
I tried ZModem and everything went kablooie. Please help me so that I
can download your good filez.
Joe Blow.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
You're an idiot, but we like you. We think you have potential.
I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to teach you how to use
the file section, but you're going to learn to use it by UPLOADING
[imagine teary-eyed face cringed with fear at this prospect]. Next
time you log on, page me to chat and I'll show you how to upload a
file.
The SysOp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
Okay.
Joe Blow
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[ Transcript of first chat with SysOp follows ]
Select [M, F, E, C, P, G]: P
Paging your SysOp! . . . . . . .
The SysOp is here!
Hello, Joe!
NO CARRIER [ Joe hangs up, torn with fear ]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[ Transcript of second chat with SysOp follows ]
Select [M, F, E, C, P, G]: P
Paging your SysOp! . . . . . . .
The SysOp is here!
Hello, Joe!
[ Long pause ]
Heelo.
Do you want me to show you how to upload, now?
[ Another pause ]
Yes.
Okay...I'll walk you through it.
Exiting chat ...
Select [M, F, E, C, P, G]: F
Select [U, D, C, L, F, S]: C
Change to which area? 1
Changing to upload area (1).
Select [U, D, C, L, F, S]: U
Select a protocol
<X> XModem
<Y> YModem
<Z> ZModem
The SysOp is here!
Okay, Joe. Tell your program you want to upload by pressing PgUp when
you want to start the transfer.
Exiting chat ...
Select [X, Y, Z]: X
Enter filename to upload: APROGRAM.ZIP
Begin your upload procedure...
1 file(s) transfered successfully!
The SysOp is here!
See, that wasn't so hard, was it?
Nnno.
Well, to download, you do the same thing in reverse.
Okay! Cool!
By the way, what was it you uploaded, anyway?
I don't know...I got it from one of my friends. It's something called
a virus.
NO CARRIER
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
I looked at the program you uploaded. If you ever upload a virus
again, I'll kill you slowly, and your little dog too. You have a lot
to learn, kid.
The mildly pissed SysOp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PART II (one year later)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
I uploaded those files you asked me for. My upload ratio is now
better than my download ratio. Can you pleez let me in on some of the
better file areas?
Joe
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
Okay. I think you deserve it. I'm going to let you into some of
the other file areas.
By the way, don't upload anything that has the words "cracked by"
on it anymore. I could get in big trouble.
By the way, a protocol is a way to transfer files, not a matter
of etiquette.
The SysOp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
Okay. I just thought you might like that game. Something about
those Amazon Women just appeeled to me.
Joe
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
You skip school to call here, don't you? Can't you call
somewhere else for a change?
The SysOp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
You mean there are other BBSes out there? Why didn't you tell me
about them before?
Joe Blow
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
You never were this annoying before. Try the "Weirdo's
Hideaway", 555-6543.
The SysOp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[ The user does not call for 7 weeks, as he discovers other BBSes ]
[ Eventually, he decides to call back and batch upload all the warez]
[ That he collected on his leech festivals ]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
I learned how to phreak last week! It's a lot of phun and you
don't have to pay when you download philes [ it is obvious that the
kid has been calling California boards, where they spell all "f"
sounds with "ph"]. Among the warez I'm uploading to you is a program
called Code Thief. It will help you phreak too!
Joe
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
Phreaking is a bad business. Don't you think they can figure out
where those calls you are making are coming from? They can. I
suggest you stop before you get yourself and your parents in trouble.
Your SysOp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
What's wrong with phreaking? It's not like it's illegal or
anything.
Joe.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
You're so full of shit, you stink.
Your SysOp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
One of my friends that I met on a board in California [ see! we
told you ] had something happen to him called "getting busted." What
does that mean?
Joe
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
It means that he was arrested. Probably for phreaking. He'll
probably tell the feds that you phreak too in order to get a lighter
sentence. You're fucked, kid. In fact, I'll probably delete you from
here in case the feds start sniffing around.
The SysOp.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[ When the kid logs on next, he sees the following message ]
Two four six eight, who do we appreciate?
NOT YOU, NOT YOU, YEAH!
Your access has been lowered to sub absolute zero. You are nothing.
You can do nothing. Don't ever call here again or we'll shoot you
with lime jello and throw you in a bathtub with Roseanne Barr.
NO CARRIER
Just kidding.
NO CARRIER <click!>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PART III
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[ About a month later, the kid calls the board under an assumed name ]
[ By assumed name, I mean that the SysOp can do nothing but assume ]
[ that it's the little leech. ]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
I am a new user and would like lots of access so I can upload and
download. I don't use message bases because I think they're stupid.
Joe Blow
[ the kid realizes his mistake in putting his real name and tries in ]
[ vain to use the message editor so he can remove his name and put ]
[ in his alias ]
***
[ He fails miserably and winds up with: ]
Joe Blow Assumed Name How the Hell???? NO CARRIER
W d
h i I ?
a d o
t d
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
Dear SysOp:
What do you mean? I am a new modem user. I have never called a
BBS before.
Assumed Name.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Assumed/Joe/Whatthefuckeveryournameis:
You're a little liar. Go to hell and don't ever call here again
or I'll rape your sister.
Eat me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
My sister's only 5 years old.
[ SysOp breaks into chat ]
The SysOp is here!
That's all the better. I'll bring my shoehorn!!!
[ Line noise, SysOp is screaming into phone with the wind of the big ]
[ bad wolf ]
NO CARRIER
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PART IV, in which the kid stops calling the board for a time to lay
low. In the interim, the feds have come to his house to question him.
He cracks under their interrogation and spills everything. The little
shit names the BBS he has been calling for the last two years as his
favorite computer hang out. How stupid. He must be a cabbage or
something.
After cracking under the pressure of the FBI he calls the SysOp to
warn him and to make ammends. He fails miserably. NO CARRIER.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[ After several attempts at logging on under his real name (which has ]
[ been locked out of the system) he uses the name John Smith (how ]
[ original...remember the cabbage?) and leaves a message to the ]
[ SysOp ]
Dear SysOp:
I just thought I'd warn you that someone tipped the feds off
about your board and that they'll be coming to question you about your
illegal activities. Maybe you should go into hiding.
Joe Blow,
Shit...how do you edit a line...fuck fuck fuck.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
You little prick!!!!!! What the hell did you tell them. I don't
run no illegal board. I think I'll shoot you AND rape your sister and
kill your little dog, too. As a matter of fact, I'm on my way. Shit,
there's a knock at the door. It BETTER not be the feds.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PART V, in which the kid and the SysOp make a court appearance and
exchange heated words.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The courtroom is filled with credit card frauders and phreakers,
much to the SysOp's dismay because it makes him look bad. The only
thing that keeps going through his mind (driving him nuts) is "Good
morning, the worm, your honor." He wishes he had a shotgun so he could
shoot the kid. He does, however, have his shoehorn.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PROSECUTOR: Mr. SysOp, you have a user on your BBS system named Joe
Blow, is this correct.
SYSOP : No, I used to, but I locked the little shit out.
DEFENSE : Objection your honor, he's a little prick, not a little
shit.
JUDGE : Sustained. Mr. SysOp, I will kindly ask you to keep your
answers truthful.
[ Welcome to hell. How DO you like it??????? ]
KID : I'm not either of those things!
JUDGE,
PROSECUTOR,
DEFENSE,
SYSOP,
in unison : YES YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!
[ the kid shuts up ]
KID : He sells stolen credit cards!
JUDGE : Is this true, Mr. SysOp?
SYSOP : Absolutely not! The kid's a liar!
PROSECUTOR: Your honor, we would like a recess to build a case
against Mr. SysOp.
SYSOP : WHAT? You're going to believe this little fucker?
DEFENSE : OBJECTION!
JUDGE : Sustained! The court has already established that the
little fucker is a little prick.
DEFENSE : Your honor, we move for a mistrial!
JUDGE : Fuck you, this court is in recess.
[ The trial drags on and the kid's parents are finded copious amounts]
[ of money, and the SysOp goes to jail for credit card fraud because ]
[ the kid couldn't think of anything else to say about the SysOp to ]
[ save his ass. ]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
EPILOGUE
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two years later, the SysOp got out of jail, but was promptly sent
back on charges of raping a seven-year old girl, shooting the kid, and
killing a little dog. He was sentenced to die in the electric chair,
but went with a big grin on his face.
The kid went to hell, where all little leeches eventually go.
His sister went to hell too, and sold shoehorns for a living.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
THE MORAL
SysOps: THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU! Don't let nine-year-olds on
your BBSes! Ban the little leech!
english.72gristic,
-> #69, dejanrOvo je nastavak, a imam jo{ na tu temu... ;)
Ima nastavak, ali ne znam da li }u sti}i, imam jo{ 5 minuta.
A Musical Drama in -V- Parts
The Sequel from HELL
INTRODUCTION
------------
It's now been, oh, about two months since the release of DEAD.DOC
and the response to it has been astounding. In all fairness, I must
state that I was roaring drunk when I wrote it. That, however,
doesn't mean it isn't true and that it couldn't happen. We all know
it is and it could.
I would like to thank the following people for their
contributions:
Imaginos, who sat next to me and laughed until blue in the face
while I was typing the original. He is also the contributor of such
memorable gems as "the shoehorn joke," "your little dog too," and
"fuck you, this court is in recess."
Bluejeans and Jetski, who goaded me for the sequel.
Ghostwheel (the person), for providing the discordian stimulation
required to write such a text file while drunk.
Thanks to all.
P.S.
If you want the make the story more interesting, and keep it in
the spirit of what it's actually written about, you can use your word
processor to do a global find and replace; change all occurrences of
"George" and "Tunaman" to "Dyron," "Amg," or "Mirage."
P.S.S.
Imaginos contributed a GREAT DEAL to this sequel. His influence
is evident all the way through it.
CREDITS
-------
Dedaparamaxxaginos Productions (lack-of-good) Management Staff
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dedaparamaxx: Head writer, head dum kopf, head head.
Imaginos: Master of cows and demented thoughts.
Morgan Bluejeans: Cyberspace expert, maker of "big funnies."
Tempus Fugit: Latin scholar, possessor of "outrageous French
Accent."
Sometimes, but not all times, staff writers
-------------------------------------------
Jeff the Riffer: Evil! Evil! Evil!
Diskwiz: Cyberspace engineer, editor-in-sleep.
IF YOU'RE CRAZY ENOUGH TO WANT TO CONTACT US:
---------------------------------------------
Dedaparamaxxaginos Productions, LTD, INC, PhD, BS, FTD.
8009 SW 55th PL
Gainesville, FL 32608
No CODs please. We don't like getting fish in the mail. That is
a REAL address, and any correspondence sent there will be answered
according to our moods, but it WILL be answered. Letter bombs will be
returned to sender, unopened. Drugs, money, complements, and general
ramblings are accepted.
To receive a group photo of the Dedaparamaxxaginos Productions
staff, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope and a quarter wrapped
in duct tape to the above address.
Mail may also be sent to mongo@maple.circa.ufl.edu.
And now, on with the show.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PART -I-
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A brief introduction:
It's a party weekend at a local SysOp's house where everyone is
gathered to drink beer and watch a brightly dressed person bearing a
whip run around on the TV screen stealing taxes from evil spanish land
owners.
Joe Blow's cousin thrice removed is at the party; his name, for
the sake of fiction, is George Tush. His handle is Tunaman.
George has vowed revenge for the unjust prosecution of his
distant relative. We shall see what happens.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The scene:
George enters, singing (see below). The house is a mess.
Everyone is dropping potato chip crumbs on the carpet and spilling
beer on one another. There are 10 people in the room, mostly young,
all of them looking on George with disgust.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Enter George, singing:
I am hear to seek revenge,
For Joe Blow's unjust death.
I intend to do so,
By being a real pest!
I know that somewhere in this town
Is a relative of SysOp!
I'm going to log on to his board,
And cause a major lockup!
[ The three females in the crowd jump up and begin dancing ]
Dancers:
He'll log on to his system,
And cause a major lockup!
Yes he'll log on to his system,
And cause a major lockup!
George:
Now most of you don't like me,
'Cuz you think that I'm a nerd.
But really that's not true, you see,
I'm actually a turd!
Dancers:
He's actually a turd, he is!
He's actually a turd!
George:
Well I don't like you either,
But as long as I am here,
I'll pretend like I'm online,
And download all your beer!
Dancers:
He'll pretend like he's online,
As long as he is here,
He'll pretend like he's online,
And download all your beer!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
New scene:
George at his computer terminal. It is a 4.77MHz IBM PC with no
disk drives using ROM BASIC. Somewhere, he has acquired a terminal
program for ROM BASIC which he put into memory with a cassette drive.
He has found the relative of the SysOp from the original DEAD.DOC who,
oddly enough, is also called SysOp in this document. He has logged
on, looked at all the ANSI screens at 1200 baud, and writes some
feedback.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
I would like access to everything on your board. All message
conferences, all file areas (pirate ones included), all doors, and set
all my flags and give me 120 minutes a day.
You won't regret it. Trust me.
Sincerely,
Tunaman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Tunatongue, err, Tunaman:
You have been given minimal access. You may access all message
boards and most file areas. We don't run pirate file areas here, so
NYAH! You have 30 minutes a day. Try not to be such an asshole!
The SysOp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
Waaaaaaaah.
Sincerely,
Tunaman.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
George moves on to the public message bases where he posts some
malticious statements about UART chips, annoys the SigOp of the "Star
Trek" discussion base by posting a message stating, in no uncertain
terms, just what a putz Kirk actually was, and generally makes a
nuisance of himself...especially, in the debate area...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>> In a message posted on 11-7-91 Beopunk Cyberwulf writes <<
BCPW> And I'll SHOOT anyone who screams gun control in MY face.
BCPW> Anyone who screams no nukes for that matter!
Dear Beopunk Cyberwulf:
You blithering liberals make me sick. All you ever do is
complain! Gun control is a GOOD THING and I hope that it passes
Congress. Then I hope the nail a REALLY BIG copy on your front door.
Sincerely,
Tunaman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Tunabrain:
You haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about, so
leave me alone, you eleven year old blight on the population!
Sincerely,
Beo(I hope you rot in hell)punk Cyber(your little dog too!)wulf
----------------------------------------------------------------------
George discovers ANSI codes and posts the following reply in
flashing red.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PART -II-
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Upon posting the reply, George logs off, eats a sandwich, and
begins to wonder why nobody seems to like him. He decides that
everyone besides him must be an idiot. He then begins to plot his
revenge against SysOp.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
George (singing):
No one seems to like me,
And I really don't know why.
They all become so angry,
When I post message replies!
But none of all that matters,
I must devise a plan,
To format Sysop's hard drives,
And blow up his Novell LAN!
[ The dancers from the party sneak in through a window ]
Dancers:
He'll blow up Sysop's LAN, he will,
He'll blow up Sysop's LAN!
He must devise a plan, he must,
To blow up Sysop's LAN!
George:
I'll fry his modem's circuits,
With an electric tesla coil!
His EPROMs they will all explode,
His parity chips will boil!
Then I'll send a power spike,
Of at least five billion watts,
His CPU will be so fried,
He'll wind up going nuts!
Dancers:
He'll send a power spike, he will,
Of at least five billion watts!
Sysop will not know what hit him,
He'll wind up going nuts!
George:
And I will watch all this with glee,
And chuckle when I do it!
It will fill my heart with joy,
To watch it go KABLOOEY!
Dancers:
KABLOOEY! KABLOEEY!
It will go KABLOOEY!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cut to:
George in his bedroom, trying in vain to manufacture a tesla
coil. So far, all he has managed to do is singe his fingers and make
his hair stand on end. He's been working on it for about two hours
now and is almost done.
He decides to take a break and harass Sysop some more.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sysop:
I downloaded a file from your file areas yesterday [duh, where
the hell else would he get it? Stupid little shit.] and it had a
virus in it! I ran the file FUCKYOU.EXE in the .ZIP file and my hard
drive got formatted! [HE'S LYING! HE DOESN'T HAVE A HARD DRIVE!]
Maybe you should delete it.
Sincerely,
Tunaman.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Tunaidiot:
I checked the file areas and the only FUCKYOU.EXE that exists is
one you uploaded. The one you uploaded, I might add, to sway your
upload download ratio so you can download more. You make me sick.
Sysop.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
It takes George three days to get the tesla coil working, but he
finally does. After making the final preparations, he disconnects the
mouthpiece on his phone so that only the bare wires are showing. He
charges the tesla coil and calls Sysop's BBS number.
Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep. RIIIIIIIIING!
When he hears the carrier sound, he puts the bare wires up to the
tesla coil.
There was a terrible, ghastly silence.
There was a terrible, ghastly noise.
George makes his hair stand on end again.
Far away, at Sysop's house, peripherals are melting.
Sysop's monitor explodes.
His RAM chips pop like Orville Redenbacher's best.
His modem makes one final SQUEAK and goes silent.
In short, everything goes KABLOOEY!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PART -III-
SYSOP'S REVENGE (muahahahahaha)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
When Sysop goes to the police and tells them about what happened,
they tell him that there is nothing they can do about George unless
they have some proof. Sysop says "fuck it" and decides to get a bunch
of his friends over for a "kill Tunaman party." The scene is Sysop's
living room (which, by the way, hasn't been cleaned since the party),
the time is four past midnight.
This is a major song and dance number, so it constitutes it's own
part.
Sysop, singing:
This stupid little kid named George,
Has blown up my BBS!
We really must do something,
To stomp his little ass!
I appeal to all of you,
My friends and goodly users,
To help me nuke this little shit,
And throw him down the sewer!
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
We will help you never fear,
To get rid of this pest!
Simply show us where he lives,
And we will do the rest!
Gelbarion:
I will crush him with my fists,
Because, like Arnold, I am strong!
Then I will feed him to my dog,
My German Shepherd, Kong!
Imaginos:
I will pop his head right off,
His scrawny little torso,
Then I'll shit right down his throat,
And rip him a new asshole!
Admiral Asshole:
I'll bring my AK-47,
And load it up with ammo!
I'll cut the little dick in half,
And use the halves as bookends!
Imaginos (speaking):
You idiot! That doesn't rhyme!
Admiral Asshole (speaking):
Fuck you! It's my part of the song!
Imaginos (speaking)
ASSHOLE!
Admiral Asshole (speaking)
That's my name!
Wostgheel (ending the song with an operatic-like wailing):
Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet'sssssssssss
Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssssssssssssssst
SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The scene ends with the BBS users dancing out the doors like
they're going down the yellow brick road in Munchkin Land. ("We're OFF
to kill the dickhead, da da da da da da da da").
PART -IV-
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The scene is the front of George's house. The Assembly of Death
has collected its assorted implements of torture and is ready for
anything.
They go up to the door.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Sysop knocks on the door. There is a brief flittering of the
curtains, and it is soon obvious that someone is doing a very poor job
of concealing the fact that he's at home.
Gelbarion knocks a little harder (WHAM! WHAM! WAAAAAAAAAAHM!)
and the lights go out. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Imaginos knocks still harder yet and the door breaks in half. It
reminds Sysop of the sound his modem made. This makes him madder.
Imaginos:
How's that for getting your foot in the door?
Admiral Asshole:
Shut up! I want to kill something.
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
It's very dark in there.
Wostgheel:
Don't worry, I brought napalm.
Sysop:
Now now, boys. Let's just go in.
The Assembly of Really Really Mad People who are Out For Blood
walk in through the door. Miraculously, someone finds the
light switch. Oddly enough, this is also when they hear the back door
slam.
Imaginos (slapping Admiral Asshole):
Goddamit! You let him get away!
Admiral Asshole:
Fuck you! You were the one who turned on the lights!
Sysop:
Shut up and get after him!
They run outside. George is running so fast that he trips on an
oak tree root and wipes out. He falls, face first, to the pavement.
The Assembly of Really Pissed off People who Want Tunaman Dead
converge upon him and there is much chaos.
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Hello, GEORGE! Welcome to your coming of age ceremony--KLINGON
STYLE, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Imaginos:
Move out of the way, I want to break his little toes.
Admiral Asshole:
Wait a minute, I saw him first! Let me burn his dick off!
Gelbarion:
Let me crush him, like Arnold would!
Wostgheel:
Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet'sssssssssss
Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssssssssssssssst
SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!
There is much noise as the Assembly of Those Who Hurt People Really
Really Bad for a Living attacks the defenseless, but deserving,
George/Dyron/Amg/Mirage/[Asshole of your choice here]. This goes on for
about two minutes, during which time we can hear:
BONES CRACKING!!!!!!!!! (Crrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacccccccck!)
PLEAS FOR MERCY (which go unheeded)!!!!!!
SIRENS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Imaginos:
Goddamit! Who called the #$%#!!@ cops?
Admiral Asshole:
I told you to be quiet!
Imaginos:
I can't help it if he screams louder than Metallica!
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Don't insult my heroes!
Gelbarion:
We should have cut out his voice box.
Wostgheel:
Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeee!
Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Kniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife!
Imaginos (to Wostgheel):
Will you stop that horrid operatic-like wailing?!?!? You were
supposed to get that out of your system three scenes ago!
The cops appear, in force, bearing guns, even though they aren't
NEARLY as heavily armed as Our Heroes.
Sysop, trying to hide the bloody but not yet dead body of Tunaman:
Hello, officers! What can we do for you?
Officer #1:
You're under arrest.
Gelbarion:
But, kind sir, we are but poor vigilantes who, trying to act like
Arnold, are helping to rid the world of foul, computer-killing vermin,
like this guy here (points to George's body).
Admiral Asshole:
Will SOMEONE please tape his incriminating mouth SHUT?!?!
Officer #2:
Please put your hands over your head.
Imaginos:
I SEE BATS!
Officer #1 (getting noticeably nervous):
Please put your military-like armament DOWN and get against the
wall and spread 'em!
Imaginos (rapidly running his hands over his chest, like he's trying
to get something slimy off):
SNAKES!!!!!!! SNAKES!!!!!! SNAKES!!!!!! Where's my medicine!
I need my medicine! (Looking at Officer #1) Did YOU bring my medicine?
Sysop:
We're doomed.
Beopunk Cyberwulf (to Officer #2):
Sorry about your family...TOMORROW!
After a WHOLE lot of trouble, the ambulance takes George away to
Shands (after using a crowbar to pry his modem out of his asshole) and
the Assembly of Rather Humbled Modem Users Now That Their Weapons Have
Been Taken are carted off to the big house.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
english.73gristic,
-> #72, gristic
PART -V-
THE COURTROOM
----------------------------------------------------------------------
In an UNBELIEVABLE twist of fate, Our Heroes, and George (who has
not yet fully recovered from the beating he took just ONE SCENE ago.
George looks a great deal like Captain Pike sitting in his wheel
chair) are sitting in the SAME COURTROOM that Joe Blow and the OTHER
Sysop sat (you remember, the one who died in the electric chair) in
during their experience with the American legal system. Fate has ALSO
seen fit to provide Our Heroes with THE SAME JUDGE that Joe Blow and
the other Sysop had. Life is weird some times, but it has its
dramatic effects.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Enter Judge T. Harold Stone (no relation), singing:
Now listen up you idiots,
I'm having a bad day!
And I want to get this over with,
So my golf game I can play!
[ Where did they come from??? Who knows, but HERE COME THE DANCERS! ]
Dancers:
He wants to play some golf, he does,
He wants to play today!
Let's all get this over with,
He's having a bad day!
Judge:
You all know what the charge is,
So let's not have any shit,
Does the prosecution wish to start?
Well, let's get on with it!
Prosecutor:
The state will prove, your honor,
That the Assemb-ah-ly of Death,
Did willfully attack George Tush,
Armed with more than just bad breath!
[ Admiral Asshole breathes on a fern and it dies ]
Defense:
We object your honor, sir,
To these awful fabrications,
That my clients have bad breath,
When involved in altercations.
Judge:
Would you please hurry up, you goons,
That we might leave some time today?
I have to urinate, you see,
In a very very bad way!
Prosecutor:
I call George Tush, your honor, sir,
To take the witness stand,
Bear in mind he can't speak well,
Or raise his maimed right hand.
Judge:
Okay! Okay! Just question him,
Let's get this over with!
If we could stop this silly song...
[ The music fades and the judge begins speaking normally ]
We might be able to get out of here some time this century!!!
Prosecutor:
George, could you please tell us what happened when the defendants
beat the shit out of you on May 22nd, 1992?
George:
Thertainly [ he says through thwollen, err, swollen lips ]. They
came to my houthe and broke down the door with Imaginoth'th foot.
Prosecutor:
Your honor, we would like to enter into evidence, a picture of the
foot in question.
Judge:
Okay, okay! Let me see it. [ Bailiff, who, oddly enough, is named
Rusty but has no relation to the Rusty on the People's Court, hands the
Judge a picture of Imaginos's foot].
Jesus Christ! That's disgusting!
Imaginos:
Would you like to SMELL IT? [ He takes off his shoe ].
Everyone in court room:
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH! That's GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSS!
Judge:
Put that shoe back on or I'll hold you in contempt.
Imaginos:
I have nothing but contempt for this court.
Sysop:
We're doomed.
Judge:
Order! Order! [ He slams his gavel ] Goddamit! You made me smash
my Life Savers! [ He takes a bottle of Chivas Regal out from under the
bench and drains half of it ]
Prosecutor:
After they broke down your door, what did you do?
George:
I ran! What elthe could I do? They heard me go out the back
door and they chathed me. Then thomeone, I think it was Gelbarion,
shoved a modem up my athhole. It wathn't very pleathant, let me tell
you. I've since had to buy stock in Preperation H.
Then they just beat the shit out of me and my brain went
KABLOOEY!
Prosecutor:
The State rests, your honor.
Judge:
Thank God. Does the defense have anything to present to this court
before I send all of you to hell?
Defense:
Yes, your honor, we do. I would like to present Exhibit B. A tesla
coil, which we intend to prove was used by George Tush, aka Tunaman, to
destroy Sysop's $10,000 home computer and all of its data.
Prosecution:
Objection!
Judge:
Go to hell.
Sysop:
We're doomed.
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Someone slap him! He's starting to sound like a broken record!
Imaginos:
This record skips. This record skips. This record skips. This
record skips. This record skips. This record skips. This record skips.
This record skips.
Judge (slamming gavel):
Shut up! Jesus, there go my cough drops!
Defense:
I call Imaginos to the stand, your honor.
Sysop:
We're doomed.
Gelbarion (slapping Sysop):
SHUT UP! We KNOW already!
Judge:
I'm in hell.
Imaginos gets up [ he has put his shoe back on, thank God ] and
takes the stand.
Defense:
Did you beat up George Tush?
Imaginos:
No. I only knocked on the door. It must have been some pretty
faulty workmanship because it fell in and cracked in two.
Defense:
I see. Now, if you had hit the door as hard as the prosecution
would like us to believe, your foot would have been injured. Was it?
Imaginos:
No. I usually break bricks with my head. Would you like me to
demonstrate? [ He eyes George ].
Judge:
Bailiff!!! Wack his pee pee!
Imaginos:
OOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Gelbarion:
You must whack HARDER! Like Arnold would!
Judge:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
Imaginos:
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!
Gelbarion:
Better.
Judge:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
Defense:
No further questions.
Judge:
Would you like to cross examine.
Prosecutor:
NOT!
Defense:
Your honor, we would like to call Sysop to the stand.
Judge:
Whatever you want. Leave me out of it.
Sysop takes the stand. Our Heroes all cheer. George Tush wets his
pants. Good thing his injuries have forced him to also buy stock in
Depends Undergarments (his pee pee was whacked rather hard with Arnold-
like force).
Defense:
Mr. Sysop. You claim that your BBS system fell prey to the evil
workings of George Tush and a tesla coil.
Sysop:
Yes, he was seeking revenge for the death of his buddy Joe Blow.
Judge:
Joe Blow? The same Joe Blow that was in my court room not more than
a year ago?
Sysop:
The same, your honor.
Judge:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! [ He finishes his
bottle of Chivas ]
Defense:
Continue, Mr. Sysop.
Sysop:
Well, from what I can piece together, George built a tesla coil,
called my BBS, and held it up to the phone line. Which caused my RAM
chips to pop like popcorn and my peripherals to melt.
Defense:
Your honor, I would like to show the court George Tush's SINGED
FINGERS as evidence of this heinous crime!
Wostgheel:
Are you sure that's not from the Nepalm?
Imaginos:
Shut up!
Judge:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
Imaginos:
This record skips! This record skips! This record skips! This
record skips! This record skips! This record skips! This record skips!
This record skips!
Admiral Asshole:
WILL YOU BE QUIET!?!!?!?
Defense:
How much damage did this cause to your computer system, Mr. Sysop?
Sysop:
About ten grand. I put my SOUL into that system, like most people
do! We Sysops are a strange breed. We do everything for our users, and
little shits like George exploit us...
[ He breaks into song ]
I run my BBS, you see,
So other people benefit,
But some folks like George Tush, you see,
Take advantage of it.
Download all day long, they do,
And never ever upload,
And when they DO write messages,
My modem seems to overload!
[ Enter dancers. This is getting ridiculous. ]
Dancers:
His modem overloads, it does!
His modem overloads!
People like George post garbage,
And his modem overloads!
Sysop:
I don't get any thanks, you see,
And sometimes I'm depressed,
That my download areas,
Don't get any rest.
I believe that information's free,
And communication too.
I run my system free of charge, [ he looks at George ]
But not for punks like you!
Judge:
STOP SINGING! AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Imaginos:
This record skips! This record skips! This record skips! This
record skips! This record skips! This record skips! This record
skips! This record skips!
Judge:
Bailiff!
Imaginos:
OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Sysop:
Now why can I get any thanks,
I really want to know!
I put my heart into my work,
And all HE does is download!
Dancers:
He puts his heart into his work,
And all HE does it download!
Wostgheel:
Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet'sssssssssss
Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssssssssssssssst
SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!
[ The song ends ]
Judge:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
I've had enough!!! I quit! [ He looks at Our Heroes ] All of you
are innocent. Free to go! Just get out of here!
[ He looks at George ]
You're an asshole. I sentence you to death. I hope it's painful.
Wostgheel:
Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet'sssssssssss
Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssssssssssssssst
SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!
Judge:
You're right. [ He pulls an Uzi from under the bench and blows
George away ] Jesus that felt good. I feel like a new person! Bailiff!
Imaginos:
OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Judge:
Bailiff! Get these people out of here and then arrange for my
IMMEDIATE transportation to the Alan Parsons Institute! I QUIT! I've
had enough! For thirty years I've been doing this and I'm sick of
it!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Imaginos:
This record skips! This record skips! This record skips! This
record skips! This record skips! This record skips! This record skips!
This record skips!
Judge:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Imaginos:
This record skips! This record skips! This record skips! This
record skips! This record skips! This record skips! This record
skips! This record skips!
Judge:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fade out and cut to and aspirin commercial. Then, cut to an
overview of the courtroom. Everyone is gone, except for the body of
George Tush, aka Tunaman. The background music should be very serene, as
if this tragedy could have been avoided. It could have been avoided and
we all know that! DON'T ALLOW NINE YEAR OLDS ON YOUR BBS's! Or ANY
asshole for that matter! You SEE what could happen.
The scene fades to black and we see some of that goofy text that
explains what happens to each of the characters after the movie when the
movie has become so long that they don't have TIME to show what actually
happens.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Sysop managed to collect another computer from his insurance
company and never EVER let another nine-year-old on his BBS.
Imaginos had foot surgery and a lobotomy to keep from skipping all
the time. He was later eaten by white cannibals on an island off the
coast of Africa.
Wostgheel became a terrorist and went to Nicaragua with his napalm
and a machine gun. As far as we know, he is still alive and causing much
chaos.
Gelbarion when to Austria to study at the Arnold Schwarzenegger
School of Looking German and Being Tough.
Beopunk Cyberwulf went on to blow up Harvard Law School because they
"were being silly."
Admiral Asshole still is and always will be.
The authors went on to nurse their hangovers and went on to write
more demented text files.
Thank you all, and have a good night.
─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────
* Don't try this at home, kiddies! I *AM* a professional! ;)))
english.74gristic,
VAX Trek V The Movie: "The Crunchy Bits"
----------------------------------------
Episode 7:
----------
Captain's Log Stardate 42.5
---------------------------
..well...the entrance of Commander Trouserpress WOULD have been pretty
impressive had he not tripped on the steps and broken his neck. Some Klingon
guards have just arrived to stretcher him away, and it looks as if our
impostor Uhura has assumed control of the Klingon boarding party. They seem
to be taking apart the ship piece by piece in search of the door Sheeshing
mechanism, but hopefully we can stall them long enough to prevent them
finding it before the Federation rescue ship saves us.
Uhura: "Kirk? You doing that Captain's Sod thing?"
Jim: "It's a LOG ....and YES I am doing it!"
Uhura: "Good...but remember..no funny business...and no mention of anything
out of the ordinary"
Jim: "Yes yes....don't worry.."
Uhura: "By the way, Kirk, if you don't tell us where the door sheeshing
mechanism is hidden we'll start systematically beaming members of
your crew into deep space."
Jim: "You fiend....you'll never get away with this!...and a triple fanged
swamp Norgoid from the planet Barf couldn't drag the information
out of me..."
Uhura: "..sorry...did I not mention that you'd be the first to be beamed?"
Jim: "..Ah....It's under the cistern in the toilet complex on deck 3b"
Uhura: "I knew you'd come round to my way of thinking Kirk.....Guards!..watch
them carefully til I get back."
[The Uhura impostor leaves the bridge, leaving two Klingon guards to keep
an eye on the Enterprise crew members]
Jim: "That should give us some breathing space....let's see now..236 cubicles..
at 1 cistern per cubicle...that's 235 cisterns...and at say 1 minute
to search each one...that makes..."
Spock: "Excuse me Captain...shouldn't that be 236 cisterns?"
Jim: "Should it?"
Spock: "Well usually it has been my experience that 236x1 is 236, thus since
there are 236 cubicles, with 1 cistern per cubicle, that must mean
there are 236 cisterns"
Jim: "Are you sure you can do it that way?...I remember actually counting
all the cisterns one day, just in case it might come in useful, and
I'm pretty sure there were 235.....though I suppose I could have
miscounted......"
Spock: "....yes well let's just say that if Uhura searched every one it would
take something approaching 4 hours...but you really have to take into
account that on average he really only needs to search half of them..
indeed..we might be unlucky and he might find it straight away..."
Jim: "Basically you're saying we have a completely indeterminate amount of
breathing space.....ok let's make the best of it...Spock, remind me
of Federation Standard Code on Dealing With Klingon Boarding Parties"
Spock: "Look it up yourself...there's the manual.."
Jim: "Spock!.That's an order!"
Spock: "Listen...I'm not here to act as a walking library for you, just
because you're too lazy to pick up a book and read it for yourself..
The Vulcan mind is for higher things...I didn't want to be a ship's
Science Officer anyway....I wanted to be a lumberjack...striding
through the forests of British Columbia...the maple, the larch..
the mighty Scots Pine!...."
Jim: "Hold him down!...he's taken one of his funny turns...."
[They all leap on top of Spock and pin him to the floor....]
Spock: [muffled under a pile of bodies] "...I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK..."
Bones: "Keep him still while I administer the injection!"
Spock: "....I wish I'd been a girlie..just like my dear papa......."
Bones: "He should be out cold for about ten minutes, but hopefully when he
wakes up he'll be back to normal..."
Scotty: "By the way, Dr.McCoy, where did you appear from?"
Bones: "I've been here all the time...I just haven't had any lines for
quite a while."
Scotty: "Me neither...do you think they're trying to write us out of the
series?"
Jim: "Quiet you two...the Klingon guards are watching us suspiciously.."
Scotty: "Maybe if we created a commotion over here as if one of us was
going seriously mad, they'd come over and we'd jump up and disarm
them..."
Jim: "Damn...damn damn damn...."
Bones: "What is it?"
Jim: "We did that bit all wrong....Scotty should have said his last line BEFORE
Spock went cuckoo"
Bones: "We'll have to think of something else then....emmm...."
Checkov: "I have an idea Captain"
Jim: "Oh shut up Checkov, can't you see we're trying to think!"
Checkov: "But it might just work"
Jim: "Checkov, be QUIET!.....Now Bones, how about if we all started singing
and dancing? They'd come over to see what we were doing, then we'd
jump on them."
Bones: "They weren't very interested in the commotion Spock caused...so I
reckon they've been warned about any such tricks we might play..."
Jim: "Oh alright Checkov....out with it!"
Checkov: "This is a bit of a long shot Captain, but why don't we just blast
them with our phasers?"
Jim: [Sarcastically] "VERY clever Checkov....and I suppose if YOU boarded an
enemy ship and took its crew prisoner, you'd let them keep their
weapons?"
Checkov: "....THEY did...."
Jim: "Don't be stu...uh!......I DON'T believe it!"
Checkov: "Can I fire first then?"
Jim: "No, I'll shoot first.....ready?...set phasers to kill.....fire!!"
[The two Klingon guards are instantly vapourised...along with a good deal of
very essential, and very expensive communications and sensor equipment
in the panels behind them...(This has no significance to any future turn in
the story..I just thought I'd mention it to show you that we're not skimping
on the special effects)]
Jim: "Right!...to the turbolift!"
[They all leap across the floor and make for the double doors at the back of
the bridge..]
[Sheesh...]
[aaaaaaaaaaargh!!]
********************* Next Week: Episode 8. ************************
Find out next week what they found in the turbolift....was it Spock's
used underwear? Was it Scotty's pet haggis? ....Can you stand the suspense?
Can I think up something convincing?....Will Bones and Scotty get more lines
to say?......Just tune in next week and all will be answered....
Galactic Credits:
----------------
Story by: DJY
Special Effects: The CNBR10 Corporation
Transporter Powered By: Duracell batteries
VAX Computer System kindly run by: Those Great Computer Centre Peeps
Impostor Uhura Supplied By: Zorko's Dwarf Emporium
Phasers: Set to 'kill'
Bone's Lines: Approved by the BMA
Scotty's Accent: Improving with practice.
Tune in again..same time..same channel...same BBS...tomorrow night...
for another thrilling episode.
─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────
* How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalog!
english.75niklaus,
-> #69, dejanr(:> THE MORAL
(:>
(:> SysOps: THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU! Don't let nine-year-olds on
(:> your BBSes! Ban the little leech!
Dejan je verovatno isekao nešto sa kraja ove (zabavne) pričice:
"(Based upon a actual story)"
(: Sean :)
english.77gristic,
VAX Trek V The Movie: "The Crunchy Bits"
----------------------------------------
Episode 8:
----------
[Sheesh..]
[Aaaaaaaargh!]
....forgetting that the turbolift would not actually BE there at bridge
level, they all charge through the door and fall down the lift shaft...
....luckily only about 16 feet down, they meet the lift coming up,
and land with a resounding OOOOOMPH! on something soft...
Jim: "What the..."
Scotty: "...where did all these jerseys come from??!!?"
Jim: "...your guess is as good as mine Scotty......wait a minute..they're all
yellow or blue....this is VERY suspicious.."
Bones: "ah!....so it's true...."
Jim: "What is?"
Bones: "I've been hearing rumours that there's an illegal black market on the
lower decks, dealing in non-red jerseys......but up till now I hadn't
given it much credence."
Checkov: "That's a big word Dr.McCoy.."
Jim: "Shut up Checkov... I bet those two new Italian crew members,
Nickedyatelli
and Videonasti have got something to do with it......Damn suspicious
pair of characters they are....hanging around the rec. rooms with their
dark glasses and their violin cases."
Bones: "..yes but I wonder where they got all these jerseys from..."
Jim: [Holding one up for close examination] "ha!...by the look of them,
they've knitted them themselves........How on earth they expect ANYONE
to think they'll pass as real jerseys I don't know.."
Scotty: "Cough..."
Jim: "What's the matter Scotty?..."
Scotty: "uh...oh..nothing cap'n..." [fiddling frantically with some loose ends
of wool from his own jersey....which interestingly is yellow today
rather than his usual red.]
Bones: "Sssh!...listen...Uhura has returned to the bridge..."
[There is some cursing and swearing from below.....followed by an "aha!",
followed by the sound of an unconscious Vulcan being kicked by someone
posing as a starship's communications officer in a red dress with a very short
skirt.]
Spock: "...oooooooer....what the...uuugh...get your hands off me you evil
little
man!"
Uhura: "Where are your comrades, fool??!"
Spock: "Comrades?...ah so that's it..you're some kind of pinko commie marxist
aren't you?"
Uhura: "What!?"
Spock: "It won't work you know...it all depends on properly integrating the
original class ridden social structure into a single party state where
absolute individual equality is the ideal. However, in order for this
to have some degree of control, someone has to be a leader, thus
immediately destroying the original founding principle of equality.
Mind you, past cases show categorically that this form of government
wins you more medals at the Olympic games."
Uhura: [Waving his phaser menacingly] "Look...I've had just about enough of you
...anyway I've found what I was looking for...."
Spock: "...what? the door sound mechanism?"
Uhura: "..Yes...though I must admit I'd have thought the Federation's
technology was a BIT more advanced than an old battery operated tape
recorder stuffed under a lavatory cistern...."
Spock: "Yes well, admittedly it's a bit 'low-tech' but we like it"
Uhura: "Well I can't stand around all day wasting my time with you...I'm off"
Spock: "You mean you're leaving?..."
Uhura: "...that's USUALLY what one means when one says 'I'm off'...rather than
'I'm decomposing and smelling quite badly'...obviously from the context
you can tell I didn't mean the latter."
Spock: "..Oh I dunno..."
Uhura: "....Just for that I'm going to make sure this ship and all crew on it
are blown to smithereens as soon as I beam back on to the Klingon
flagship."
Jim: "Hold it right there..." [Throwing a spare phaser across to Spock]
Spock: "Well done Captain.."
Jim: "Now drop your weapon Uhura.....and CAREFULLY put the tape recorder on the
floor...then raise your hands above your head"
Uhura: "grrr.."
Checkov: "It's just like in the movies.."
[Suddenly three globular entities begin to materialise in the centre of the
bridge...]
1st Being: "Greetings,... we are the Nurbs of Morris Minor, Guardians of the
Floating Point Exception, Supreme Nobless of the Sheep Squeezers of
Splatigan Five, and utter Overlords of the Universe."
Jim: "...emm..shouldn't that be 'Nobles'?"
1st Being: "..well..no actually..'Nobless'...it's a bit embarrassing really"
Jim: "Look..we're a bit busy at the moment..." [consulting a small black book]
"...could you come back in the next episode?"
1st Being: "2 o'clock, next Wednesday?"
Jim: "Yes...we should be able to fit you in about then...I'll make a note of
that...see you then"
[The three globular beings vanish as interestingly as they arrived..]
Jim: "Right where were we?"
Checkov: "We were about to lock up this impostor in the brig until we get
to a starbase where he'll be tried for spying, hijacking, and
treason."
[There is a flash...and a puff of thick smoke...When the smoke clears, a small
pile of ash lies on the floor where Uhura once stood]
Jim: [re-holstering his phaser] "..Honestly...I just CAN'T be bothered with
damn formalities.."
*******************************************************************************
Tune in next week for a new adventure...
Will Spock be awarded an honorary degree in Politics and Social Studies?
Will Nickedyatelli and Videonasti get their knitting patterns sorted out?
Will Jim get a chance to do his log?
Galactic Credits:
----------------
Story by: DJY
Special Effects: The CNBR10 Corporation
Transporter Powered By: Duracell batteries
VAX Computer System kindly run by: Those Great Computer Centre Peeps
Impostor Uhura Supplied By: Zorko's Dwarf Emporium
Phasers: Set to 'kill'
Bone's Lines: Approved by the BMA
Scotty's Accent: Improving with practice.
Tune in again..same time..same channel...same BBS...tomorrow night...
for another thrilling episode.
─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────
* !CAUTION! Taglines may be hazardous to your disk space!
english.78gristic,
The much-coveted finale!
"Our Heroes enter Cyberspace"
OR
"Ghosts in the Machine"
OR
The return of Joe Blow and George Tush
A NON-musical drama in five parts
("And now here's something we hope you'll REALLY like!!")
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PART -I-
Oh shit, they're baaaaaaaaaaack!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The scene:
Sysop and Beopunk Cyberwulf are sitting at Sysop's machine. They
are logged on to the University of Florida VAX and are exceeding their
disk quotas. Bad. Naughty. Oh well.
All of a sudden, a terrible, ghastly light flashes on the screen
(Sysop now has a brand new 486-10000MHz that he bought with the
insurance money he collected, with an LGA [ludicrous graphics array]
and a 115K baud modem).
After the light dies away a single, lone window appears on the
screen.
/--------------------------------------------\
| |
| We're Baaaaaaaaack! |
| |
\--------------------------------------------/
Sysop:
It can't be!
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Be what? It's just a window.
Sysop:
You're right. I probably have some harmless virus.
Beopunk:
Press a key and see what happens.
Sysop presses a key. The box is replaced with.
/--------------------------------------------\
| |
| Nice hard drive. |
| |
| Too bad it's being FORMATTED! |
| |
| Muahahahah. |
| |
\--------------------------------------------/
The light on Sysop's 10.2 Terabyte hard drive begins to flash. He
reboots to try and save his data. This does not work. When the
system reboots, he gets the message:
Insert system disk in drive A:.
Sysop:
Fuck! Those little TURDS!
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
We MUST do something.
Sysop:
You're right. We must reassemble "The Assembly of Death!"
(Trumpets play in background)
Fade to:
Imaginos's bedroom. It's even more disgusting than his foot.
There are socks everywhere, broadcasting unuseful smells. His phone
rings.
Imaginos (picking up the phone):
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT?!?!?!?!
Sysop's voice (as if coming out of phone):
Um, is Dave there?
Imaginos:
WHO WANTS TO KNOW???!?!?!
Sysop:
It's SysOp.
Imaginos (becoming bright and cheery):
Oh!
Sysop:
We have a problem. Joe Blow and George Tush are back, in the
form of computer viruses. They formatted my hard drive and . . .
There is a kind of Speedy Gonzalez sound and Imaginos disappears,
and the phone falls to the ground. He always moves fast when there's
something to be killed.
Fade to:
Admiral Asshole's house. He is sitting in front of the TV
watching professional wrestling and cheers as "The Undertaker" puts
"Ivan Teartitsoff" into a coffin and sets it on fire.
Admiral Asshole:
Yeah! Yeah! Burn the fucker's LEGS OFF!
Out front there is a SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEECHING of tires. There are
several very LOUD footsteps coming closer and closer. Then: WHAM!
WHAM! WHAM! as the door shakes in its frame.
Imaginos (from behind door):
Wake up goddamit! We have to go and kill something.
Admiral Assholes' serious face changes into a smile of malicious
glee. There is the Speedy Gonzalez sound again as he rushes off into
his bedroom to get his AK-47 and some hand grenades. He opens the
door and meets Imaginos. They get into Imaginos's Sherman Tank and
speed off to Sysop's house.
Fade to:
Sysop's living room. It STILL has not been cleaned since the
party at the beginning of DEAD2. Someone has, however, taken the time
to cover the slime mold next to the TV with a poster of Guns -N-
Roses.
The Assembly of Death is sitting down wherever they can, due to
all the junk littering the real furniture. Sysop calls the meeting to
order:
Sysop:
Friends and goodly users. I would like to start out by stating
that THIS SUCKS. We killed these bastards once, and now they're back,
reincarnated as vicious computer viruses. Since I spoke to you all,
they have infected the VAX, The Crucible, Gridworks Systems, and
Helter Skelter. We don't care much about Helter Skelter. In fact, we
think they're partially guilty, so we're not going to worry about
them. Also, Draggin' Tail has become completely worthless, but we
already knew that; its just more apparent now.
To tell you the truth, I really don't know how to go about fixing
this problem. Does anybody have any ideas?
Gelbarion:
Can't we just crush them, like Arnold would?
Sysop:
You know what happened last time, Gelb.
Admiral Asshole:
Let's burn their dicks off.
Sysop:
No good. You can't burn the dick off an electronic impulse.
Wostgheel:
Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetttttttttt's
Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssst
Shoooooooooooooooooooooooootttttttttt
Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemmmm!
Sysop:
No singing! This is a NON-musical drama goddamit. And besides,
they're too small to hit accurately. No, I think this is going to
require DRASTIC measures. I think this is going to require...dare I
say it?...a journey into------cyberspace.
All (except Sysop):
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Imaginos:
Rick Wakeman would make a great soundtrack for this.
Wostgheel:
You be cool.
Sysop:
Wostgheel, you have the most experience with this sort of thing.
Do you think you could take us into cyberspace?
Wostgheel:
I don't know...that's pretty hard . . .
Sysop:
Please! The Gainesville BBS network NEEDS you!
Wostgheel:
. . . it's very difficult to accomplish properly. You have to take
all kinds of factors into account . . .
Sysop:
You can bring your napalm.
Wostgheel:
. . . but you talked me into it. When do you want to leave?
Sysop:
As soon as possible. Does everybody have enough weapons?
Everyone assembled pulls out some kind of deadly weapon of one
sort or another. There is enough armament present to make Saddam
Hussein drool with delight.
Sysop:
Great! Wostgheel, do your stuff.
There is a ominous silence as all eyes turn to Wostgheel.
Wostgheel closes his eyes and the room begins to change. Here and
there, little things change shape: the slime mold turns into a fuzzy
squirrel and runs away. The sofa turns into a giant lizard who
scurries away with fear. In the center of the room, a slowly turning
vortex takes shape. Looking into the vortex, one can see a deep
blackness that is broken only by occasional pulses of light.
Wostgheel:
Okay, everybody. Into the vortex!
Gelbarion:
I don't know about this . . .
Sysop:
Gelbarion! That is a very UN-Arnold like thing to say.
Gelbarion jumps into the vortex. Wostgheel goes in after him,
followed by Imaginos, Admiral Asshole, and Sysop, who states "They're
doomed," before jumping in.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PART -II-
Cyberspace
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Our Heroes manifest inside Sysop's computer. It looks like they
are floating above New York City at night. It's beautiful. There are
uncountable lights, of all colors everywhere. Flashes of light, like
photons of all colors of the spectrum, travel along great subways of
circuitry. Our Heroes are awestruck.
Imaginos:
Wow, man! That's cooooooooooooooooool!
Wostgheel:
You'll get used to it. NOT!
Imaginos:
I wanna STAY here.
Wostgheel:
NOT!
Sysop:
It's beautiful.
Gelbarion:
Arnold would approve.
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Yawn.
Admiral Asshole:
Where's my AK-47??? My hand grenades?
Wostgheel:
All your earthly possessions have been "translated" into a form
that befits our environment. For instance, this is my napalm:
Wostgheel holds up about 20 hot pink cubes that say "Norton Disk
Doctor" on them.
Admiral Asshole searches his pockets and comes up with some cubes,
similarly colored that say "FORMAT.COM" He finds another cube, colored
green, that says "VMS Operating System" on it.
Sysop:
Jesus, Admiral A! That'll KILL them! VMS...scary.
Gelbarion pulls out a pink cube that says "FluShot+". Imaginos
finds that his hand gun has turned into "REBOOT.COM" and that his
Rambo Knife has turned into "QBBS.EXE".
Imaginos:
Oh my GOD! If that doesn't kill them, I don't know what will!
Ooooooooh! He puts it back in his pocket and wipes the slime off his
hands.
Sysop:
We'd better get going. The way my computer has been behaving
after they were here, it's likely to power down any second.
As if on cue (in fact it IS on cue, this is a screenplay,
remember?) the loud hum that has been in everyone's ears since they
got here dies down and the lights begin to dim.
Sysop:
Oh shit! That happened as if it was waiting for me to say that!
Imaginos:
It was, didn't you read the script!
Sysop:
Who had TIME man! I do have a *REAL* job, you know.
Wostgheel:
Might I suggest that we get the hell out of here?
Our heroes move from drive A: into drive C:. Drive C is not
nearly as pretty as drive A since George and Joe were here. Instead
of light, there is darkness everywhere. The little bastards have
written graffiti on the drive head: "You suck, we rule! Heheheheh!
We'll teach you to kill US! Muahahahahah!"
Wostgheel:
We have to get to the modem! It's our only hope!
Sysop:
This way!!!
They follow Sysop into the serial port, where the lights are on
again, but are dimming rapidly!
Sysop:
Quick! We'll follow the parity bit to the modem!
They hop on the back of a green pulse of light and are whisked
away into Sysop's modem.
Imaginos:
Help us Obi-Wan-K-ZModem, you're our only hope!
Wostgheel:
Stop being silly and dial the VAX!
Imaginos:
Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep!
Sysop:
We're doomed.
Imaginos:
Don't start that shit again, or I'll start skipping!
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Where's Rusty the Bailiff when you need him?
They enter the phone lines and are whisked away . . .
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Part III
The VAX
----------------------------------------------------------------------
They arrive in a place that looks similar to Sysop's computer but
is a WHOLE lot bigger.
Imaginos:
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhooooooooooooooo!
Admiral Asshole:
Shut up or they'll hear you!
Everyone else (in unison):
NOT!
There are packets of information flying everywhere. Most of them
are multi-colored, but a scary majority of them have become corrupted
and are pitch black.
Wostgheel:
Shit, if I had a shotgun, we could go skeet shooting!
Sysop:
Guys! We're here for a PURPOSE! Remember, we're here to kill--
Imaginos:
Killkillkillkillkillkillkill!
Sysop:
--those two little pricks. I can see they've already been here.
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
I don't mean to be the bringer of bad news, but those black
packets are becoming more and more frequent. If they get to the
Internet, I don't even want to THINK about the damage they could do.
Sysop:
Can't we stop them? There has to be a way!
Wostgheel:
We can't stop the individual packets, but we CAN find the source
of them and destroy it. [ He turns to Beopunk ] If you were a virus,
what would be the place you would infect!
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
You're nuts!!! [ Pun intended, ed. ] There are HUNDREDS of
possible places . . .
Wostgheel:
But which would be the most likely?
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Ooooooooh! I don't KNOW! Why do *I* always get the hard
questions . . .
Wostgheel:
Beo . . .
Beopunk's face turns to a look of fear.
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Oh shit. They've infected the FTP program!!!
Imaginos:
We must find it!
Sysop:
Lead the way, Beo.
Our Heroes go through innumerable subdirectories (which is scary,
this is VMS, remember? MSDOS forever!). As they float about, the
black packets become more and more abundant. They almost run into a
couple of them. At last, they arrive at the proper directory.
The FTP program image lies before them. It's a scary-looking
structure, that is emanating black packet upon black packet.
Admiral Asshole:
Stand back! I'm going to nuke it with my VMS cube!
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Noooo! It's immune to that! Besides we will need it for
[ominous pause] the FINAL BATTLE. Imaginos! Reboot it! Quick!
Imaginos (blushing slightly while putting one finger in his mouth):
Ummmmmmm. I can't.
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
WHY THE HELL NOT?!?!?!
Imaginos (still blushing):
I already used it . . .
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
On what?
Imaginos (STILL blushing, eyes cast downward):
Ummmm. On myself. It's better than valium . . .
Sysop:
We're doomed.
Admiral Asshole:
STOP THAT!
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Well, I have this cube here that says ProDOS on it, but it may
not be powerful enough . . .
Wostgheel:
Don't talk! USE IT!!
Beopunk throws the shit-brown cube labeled ProDOS into the image.
Almost immediately, the black packets stop. The remaining black
packets get sucked into a void of nothingness that manifests within
the image. Our Heroes notice that they, too, are being sucked into
it.
Sysop:
Shit! We're being sucked in with the black packets!
Imaginos:
It just goes to show you that ProDOS is too horrible to
contemplate.
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
SHUT UP!
Wostgheel:
Ummm, guys, we need to get out of here before we all become files
marked for deletion . . .
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
To the modems!
Imaginos:
Yahoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Admiral Asshole:
When do we get to kill something??!?!!
Imaginos:
Just be quiet and fasten your seatbelt.
Beopunk Cyberwulf leads the way to the modems. When they arrive,
they notice that the black packets are almost gone.
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
I hope we get the right one.
Wostgheel:
What happens if we don't?
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
We'll end up on the Internet.
Sysop:
Oh shit.
They pick one of the modems and fly into it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Nastavak sledi.
────────────────────────────────────────────────────
* "Oh my dear, I don't give a download!" - Sysopette
english.79gristic,
VAX Trek VI The Book, The Film, The Video:
"The Search For Spock"
by David J. Young
------------------------------------------
Episode 1:
----------
Jim: "....Where's Spock?"
Sulu: "I'm sorry Captain, I don't know"
Jim: "Looks like we'll have to go and search for him again.."
ŠHe gets up from his seat and makes for the turbolift..Ć
Spock: "Wait Jim...I'm over here!" ŠSuddenly appearing from behind a computer
cabinetĆ
Jim: "Ah! it's ok...we've found him."
Tune in again..same time..same channel...same BBS...tomorrow night...
for another thrilling episode.
────────────────────────────────────────────────────
* This tagline was created from many little letters.
english.81gristic,
-> #78, gristicNastavak...
Part -IV-
The Internet
**********************************************************************
ALERT:
------
At his point, our intrepid staff of authors has been increased.
As you know Marimaxx and Imaginos usually write these little gems, but
we here are Dedaparamaxxaginos productions are proud to announce the
arrival of Morgan Bluejeans and Tempus (as in Fugit [pronounced fuhg-
it]). From here on out, parody fans, it can only get stranger. Do
not attempt to adjust your monitor/terminal/DECWriter, we are in
control.
We control the horizontal.
-<->-+-!!!.bork.bork.bork
We control the vertical.
|| \
<> \
<> ( o ) \
++ ^ |
<> ( o ) /
<> /
|| /
We control the cows.
(__)
(oO)
/-------\/ ---("How much for de wimmen?")
/ :: :
* ::@\--::
^^ ^^
**********************************************************************
----------------------------------------------------------------------
THE SCENE:
Our intrepid (read: DRUNK) heroes now stand in the Main Stream of
the Internet [**NOTE: This is probably the first, last, and only time
that Beopunk Cyberwulf will be referred to as "mainstream" in ANY
Dedaparamaxxaginos Production. So if you are going to capture ANY of
this story, or echo it to your printer, NOW is a good time.***]
The vastness of the Network links overwhelms Admiral Asshole, who
is used to lording over tiny little systems like the "Please Don't
Bubble Sort BBS", run on a Timex Sinclair with 2K of RAM and ASCII-
only transfer protocol. He begins to sob uncontrollably.
Admiral Asshole:
It...It...It's so big!
Imaginos:
Yeah, that's what your mother said.
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
It's big, alright. But don't let it intimidate you. Most of it is
just wasted space.....like HIM! (he points to Gelbarion)
Gelbarion:
Huh? (He strikes and Arnold-ish thinking pose)
[***NOTE: "Arnold-ish thinking pose" is actually the grand prize
winner of the Dedaparamaxxaginos Productions in-house Oxymoron
Contest. Shortly after coining the phrase, Morgan Bluejeans was
awarded his prize: a beer. There were hearty handshakes all around,
and much rejoicing. Then Imaginos came along, slammed a surplus WYSE
terminal into the side of Bluejeans's head, and stole the prize.***]
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Exactly.
Sysop:
Well, let's see now. Hmmmmm. (He pulls from his pocket a faded
copy of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the InterNet." The torn cover is
illustrated: a blindfolded smileyface with a cigarette in its mouth
and a single, bloody bullet hole in its forehead. Underneath is the
guidebook motto "We're doomed.")
Wostgheel (looking over his shoulder):
YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU
KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW,
(sees the others stare at him in annoyance, with more weaponry
that he has)
er...You know, We always DID wonder where you came up with that
phrase.
Sysop:
It's on my family coat of arms.
Wostgheel:
We believe it.
Sysop (quickly scanning the book):
Well, it's to assume that they're going to AVOID the MODERATED
newsgroups.
Imaginos:
So are we. (loud belch)
Wostgheel:
Well said. We agree.
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Howzabout we just head 'em off at alt.sex? Little weenies like
that always head there eventually.
Imaginos:
So are we.
Wostgheel:
Well said. We agree.
Imaginos:
You know, we seem to be skipping here--
Sysop (turning in mild annoyance):
"PKUNZIP Imaginos."
Imaginos:
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
It seems we don't NEED Rusty here.
Sysop:
Nah. I know a FEW tricks, 'Punk.
Gelbarion:
Punks? Where?
(he turns in an Arnold-ish pose of vigilance.)
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Oh, shut up. He meant me. "'Punk" equals "Beopunk Cyberwulf".
Get it? (he rolls his eyes.) There are NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO punks here.
Disembodied Voices (off-stage):
Speak for yourself.
Sysop:
We're doomed.
Disembodied Voices (STILL off-stage):
Nice motto.
Admiral Asshole:
Shut up!! (He wheels around looking for the voices, FORMAT.COM
cubes in hand. Strapped to his belt, the VMS bomb makes small but
menacing noises).
Disembodied Voices:
Over here, Asshole.
Admiral Asshole (through clenched teeth):
That's my name. (He fires off a few FORMAT.COM cubes. Somewhere
in Ohio, a small semi-public access UNIX system dies messily, its
spectacular sparking affects accompanied by a loud whine akin to that
of a Jewish-American-Princess Convention on a humid day in Miami
Beach.)
[***NOTE: Before anti-Semitic accusations are hurled willy-nilly
against the staff of Dedaparamaxxaginos Productions, it should be
noted that Morgan Bluejeans, who conceived and typed that last
metaphor, is in fact Jewish, and lacks the foreskin to prove it.***]
Disembodied Voices:
You missed.
(They step into the light provided by a passing Elf Sternberg
posting, and are revealed as ghostly Net simulacrums of Joe Blow and
George Tush, as anyone with the brain of a trout would have deduced a
full page ago. Our heroes, however, sharing a full brain between them
as the result of overconsumption of fermented grains, gawk and gape.)
Joe Blow Virus:
And you won't get a second chance. Nyah!
(He throws a bag into the air. It bursts, spraying a fine dust
into the air.)
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Aw, shit, man! A virus! Duck!
(At this point, all the heroes except for Gelbarion duck. Ducking is
a very UN-Arnold-ish thing to do, you see, and Gelbarion would rather
have his testicles removed with an acetylene blowtorch than duck and
hide from a cloud of glowing motes, even glowing motes that give off a
sinister, keening wail)
Gelbarion:
Saint Arnold, protect me!
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Get down, you macho idiot!
(He grabs the black-clad Arnold-clone and drags him face-down
into the "ground".)
Sysop:
We're doo--
Wostgheel (holding an "NDD" cube to Sysop's head):
We would suggest you refrain from saying that again.
(All this ducking, chattering, and macho posing is to no avail. Our
heroes, one and all, are covered in "The Dust." MUAAAAHAHAHAHAH!
[***NOTE: At this point, it would perhaps be a good idea to have The
Alan Parsons' Project "Tales of Mystery and Imagination" CD running in
the background. Trust us.***])
Imaginos (sniffing at the dust):
Anybody got a little spoon?
(It is then that our heroes notice that---DUM DUM DA DUM!--nothing has
happened...)
Blow-Virus and Tush-Virus:
HAHAHAHAH! You fell for it! You idiots!
Tush-Virus (nudging Blow-Virus):
Hey! This is better than a Tesla Coil!
Blow-Virus:
Huh?
Tush-Virus:
Never mind. You had to be there.
[***NOTE: There was a brief pause here as Morgan Bluejeans and Tempus
Fugit, two Latin scholars, almost came to blows over whether the
correct plural of "virus" should be spelled "viri" or "virii". Wisely,
Dedaparamaxx suggested consulting a nearby medical dictionary, which,
being many years old, prompted our authors to use "viruses." After
much wailing and gnashing of teeth, MBJ and Tempus sat down and
settled for glaring at each other and occasionally muttering "Gluba
me" in each other's general direction. From there out it was decided
that all occurrences of the word "viruses" would be immediately
followed by the token "(dammit)." Imaginos and Dedaparamaxx settled
for drinking another beer apiece to the tune of "Piranha", and after
several moments, all four authors continued to create their High
Weirdness...***]
(The VIRUSES (dammit) dance around for several moments laughing at and
taunting the Assembly of Alcohol-Enhanced Cyberspace Warriors, before
skipping off in a random direction.)
VIRUSES (dammit):
Yoooooooou can't caaaaaaatch ussssssssss!
Yoooooooou can't caaaaaaatch ussssssssss!
Wostgheel (sniffing):
They can sing but We can't?
Sysop:
Shut up. We have to catch them before they wreck
telecommunications all over the world!
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Or, at the very least, generate nonsense newsgroups like
"alt.romper.room" or "alt.we.dont.need.no.steenkeen.moderators"
Sysop:
Yeah.
Wostgheel:
LEEEEEEEEEEEEET'S
JUUUUUUUUUUSSST
FRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGMEEEEEEEEEEEEENTT---
Admiral Asshole (clutching the VMS Bomb menacingly):
Shut up, man, or I'll set this thing off!
Wostgheel (under his breath):
AAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSHOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEE!
Gelbarion:
It's hard to be sinister and Arnold-like when your black
motorcycle jacket is covered in this glowing purple dust.
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
I grieve for you. Now let's go.
(They all scramble to their feet, except for Imaginos who is busy
scraping up dust into his palm and shoving it into his pocket for
later consumption. Finally, though, Sysop grabs Imaginos by the
shoulders).
Sysop:
Remember, Imaginos: THEY have the dust.
(There is a Speedy Gonzalez sound and Imaginos tears off after the
viruses (dammit). With Road Runner puff-clouds trailing behind, the
rest of the Assembly of Pickled Purple People Peelers chases after
him. The chase ensues, carrying our heroes down a side trail off the
InterNet main feed. Around them, the environment shifts from "pure"
cyberspace to a vaguely familiar starfield.)
Overvoice:
Space...the final frontier--
Imaginos:
Shit! I HATE Star Trek!
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Not so loud, man.
Admiral Asshole:
Yeah! Jesus! You want to get our DICKS burned off or something?!?
Imaginos:
Well, actually---
Sysop:
We're doomed.
Wostgheel:
Where are We anyway?
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
(Opens his mouth to answer, then pauses in thought.)
Do you mean US "we" or YOU "we"?
Wostgheel:
Not quite sure. Sometimes, We have trouble distinguishing.
Sysop:
(Starts to make a comment, thinks better of it, and closes his
mouth).
[***NOTE: This is FORESHADOWING. Remember it.***]
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Well, anyway, it's gotta be part of the rec.arts.sf hierarchy.
Let's just pass through the newsgroup wall and find out.
(Our Heroes just now notice the softly glowing wall in front of them.)
Imaginos:
Is there a door?
(He holds out his foot.)
Sysop:
"PKUNZIP Imaginos"
Imaginos:
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Sysop:
No. There's no door.
Gelbarion:
Good. Arnold would not need a door, and we do not either.
Admiral Asshole:
I could BLOW it open.
(He holds out the VMS bomb)
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Dude, if you do that, you will TRASH rec.arts.sf and all the
weaponry in the world won't save you from "Dead IV: The Wrath of
Trekkies."
(He turns to Sysop)
You wanna do this or should I?
Sysop (nodding):
Allow me.
(He turns back to the wall).
"SUBSCRIBE"
(There is a small humming noise and part of the wall becomes
transparent. Following an article, our heroes enter the starfield.
As they pass through the barrier, however, each of them feels a
tingling sensation.)
Sysop:
Wow! That was strange.
Imaginos:
Yeah.
(The others turn around and see that he is not moving; simply
standing on the threshold, smiling).
Admiral Asshole:
OK. Let's get our bearings. Anybody wanna volunteer to recon?
Imaginos:
Yeah. Let's go find the little fuckers. (His voice cracks on the
last word. The others resist laughing. They all walk together. A
large Galaxy-class starship passes overhead.)
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Well, that confirms it. We're in--
Imaginos (His voice is VERY nasally and squeaky now):
HELP ME!
english.82gristic,
-> #81, gristic(The others turn. Wearing Imaginos' clothes is an Imaginos-sized Wil
Wheaton. He clutches at his throat in surprise.)
Sysop:
Holy shit! He's turning into Wesley Crusher!
Imaginos:
My pubic hair is falling out!
(Suddenly, all background noise in the immediate vicinity STOPS!)
Off-stage voice:
DID YOU SAY WEASELEY?!?
(There is a sound of phaser fire)
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Ah, shit!
(at this, his voice, too, begins to shift up a few octaves)
Sysop:
rec.arts.sf, my ass! We're in alt.ensign.wesley.die.die.die!
Off-stage voice:
THAT'S RIGHT, YOU LITTLE DWEEB!
(the phaser fire draws closer)
Sysop:
RUN!!!
Wostgheel:
RUN?!? (his voice actually cracks) Not until we save the ship!
(his hands fly to his mouth with a gasp of horror)
Admiral Asshole (now looking like Wil Wheaton in plaid workshirt,
ragged jeans, and a Dick Tracy baseball cap):
Motherfuckers! They led us into a trap!
Gelbarion (now looking like Wil Wheaton in black fatigue pants and "US
ARMY RANGERS" T-shirt):
Arnold would not run!
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
You ain't Arnold, you twit. You're Wesley-Fucking-Crusher, and
you'd better get used to the idea and fucking RUN, OK??!!??
(A phaser blast set on "puree" liquifies a stray bit near Gelbarion's
head.)
Gelbarion:
Well, maybe just this once.
(The heroes run.)
Wostgheel:
How's about We just shift the shadows? (He leaps high into the
air. A well-aimed phaser blast set on "Vienna Choir Boy" barely
misses his genitalia).
Admiral Asshole:
Sounds like a plan. (He dodges a phaser blast set on "Really
Messy Death". Then he turns to Wostgheel) WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU
WAITING FOR!?!?!?!?!?
Sysop:
(He ducks a phaser blast set on "existential melancholy") NOOOO!
(This is in a very high pitch. In fact, by now all of our heroes have
been transformed into WEASELY, errr, WESLEY CRUSHER like parodies of
themselves).
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
ACK! (he does a double somersault and escapes a bout with a
phaser blast set on "OH, WOW") That would be a BAAAAAAAD idea!
Wostgheel:
(He does a triple back flip, landing on Gelbarion's shoulders, to
avoid a dangerously well-aimed phaser blast set on "occasional
irregularity") Why not? That's what GOT us here!
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
You've been contaminated, man! Who knows what the effect of this
virus will be in the real world! What if we don't change back...or
worse yet, what if we translate into 'Noles!??!?!?
Sysop:
EEEEEEEEEK! Anything but 'Noles!
Gelbarion:
FSU...Thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb!
Wostgheel:
We see your point.
Offstage voice which comes, oddly enough, from off stage:
This is better than the death scene in Toy Soldiers!!
Another offstage voice:
Nah! The leeches in Stand By Me were better!
First Offstage voice:
NOT!
Third offstage voice:
You know guys, maybe Weasely isn't so bad after all.
First and second offstage voices in unison:
WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!
(There is the sound of offstage phaser fire. You don't even
wanna KNOW what these are set to!)
Third offstage voice:
Joke! Joke!
Fourth offstage voice:
Set phasers to "maximum flame!"
Fifth offstage voice:
NOT! Set phasers to "very painful disembowelment"
First, second, fourth, and fifth offstage voices:
(They fire in unison and shout) ASSHOLE!!!
Admiral Asshole:
(Stepping out from behind a DMA chip) What?!?!? (He is nearly
pulverized by a phaser blast set to "Roseanne Barr in a tub of lime
jello", but is pulled out of the way in the nick of time [not the
Randy or the Fred of time] by an offstage HAND)
Sysop:
Asshole! Are you okay!??!
Admiral Asshole (panting):
No you idiot, I'm fucking Wesley Crusher! But other than that
I'm in one piece.
Imaginos:
You're fucking Wesley Crusher!?!? Stay away from me...
Voice attached to offstage hand:
Could you all PLEASE just shut up? I'm trying to save you.
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
We're in alt.ensign.wesley.die.die.die, we look like Wil Wheaton,
and you're trying to save us?!? You must be a cabbage or something.
Either that or . . .
Sysop:
No, it can't be . . .
Wostgheel:
He's . . .
All (in unison):
AN EXPENDABLE CREWMAN!!!!!
Voice steps into the light:
Yes (he hangs his head in shame). So far this season, I've died
twelve times...I'm actually a production assistant on the show, but I
read this newsgroup.
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Sad.
Wostgheel:
Indeed.
Expendable Crewman:
Anyway, I've tossed in my jibe here and there, but I never
thought they would take things THIS far. So let's go.
All (in unison):
But where shall we go?!?!
Sysop:
'Punk, you know this place better than any of us. Where would
you go?
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
I don't know...
Sysop:
Come on, dude, we're counting on you.
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
I just don't know...
Sysop:
Stop saying you don't know!!!
Beopunk Cyberwulf (a little light bulb appears above his head):
That's it!!! (He turns to Sysop) Where would you go if you had a
question you needed answered?
Imaginos:
Miss Manners?
Wostgheel:
William Safire?
Admiral Asshole:
Dr. Ruth?
Gelbarion:
ARNOLD!!!!
Sysop (slapping head in frustration):
SHIT! If it were a cow it would have bitten me! The USENET
ORACLE!
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Exactly.
All (except Beo and Sysop):
OF COURSE!
Beopunk Cyberwulf (turning to Expendable Crewman):
Plot a course for alt.humor.oracle. Make it so.
Expendable Crewman:
Course plotted, sir!
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Engage!
Our Heroes suddenly find themselves being whisked away through a
gate of light on a carpet of digital signals. They are bounced off
several satellite relays, in and out of many UNIX systems, and
eventually are deposited at the foot of a great, golden altar.
Imaginos:
Wow! What a rush.
Admiral Asshole:
Someone stop the floor from moving, please.
Sysop:
Would anyone hold it against me if I said, "We're doomed."
All (in unison):
YES!
Great Booming Offstage Voice:
GODDAMIT!
(The altar trembles)
Sysop (whispering):
Oh, we are SO fucking doomed.
GBOV:
Could you guys KEEP IT DOWN!?!?!? Lisa and I are BUSY!
Imaginos:
Lisa?
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
The net.sex.goddess...also the USENET Oracle's steady squeeze.
(there is offstage giggling)
Offstage Feminine Voice:
Gee, Orie, THAT's never happened before. But don't worry, I'm
sure it's only temporary.
GBOV:
It had BETTER BE!
Beopunk Cyberwulf (shouting toward the offstage fornicators):
Oh, Great Oracle...
Sysop:
You, who are so very big...
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
You, who are so absolutely HUGE...
Sysop:
Gosh, we're all really impressed down here...
[***NOTE: This is obviously a BLATANT plug for Monty Python's "The
Meaning of Life." In fact, get thee immediately hence to rent that
wonderful film; it is only wafer thin. We will wait.***]
Gelbarion:
He doesn't look so tough to me.
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Shut up!
Sysop:
We're doomed.
GBOV:
What's that you say?!
Gelbarion (as Sysop and BPCW frantically try to shush him):
I said "You don't look so tough to me!"
GBOV:
Who the hell do you think you are?? You're supposed to be
grovelling.
Wostgheel:
Indeed, even WE can see that grovelling is in order.
Gelbarion:
I am a graduate of the Arnold Schwarzenegger School of Looking
German and Being Tough, and I do NOT grovel.
Sysop:
Oh great Oracle, whose nipples I am not fit to pinch, we have
become infected with a horrible, ghastly, completely yucky virus that
makes us look and talk like Wil Wheaton. Oh, great Oracle, whose
zipper I am unfit to zip, canst thou cure us of this wretched illness?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
I'm not sure whether you are grovelling or insulting, but the
Oracle, taking pity on thee in this, thy hour of need, shall cure you
of this virus.
There is a blinding light that leaves Our Heroes, well, blind.
As their vision clears, they see that they have been transformed from
the Assembly of Annoying Adolescent Nerds into the Assembly of Heavily
Armed Vigilante Sub-Processes.
Oracle:
Is there anything else? (He turns to BPCW and Sysop). You two.
You grovel rather well. I like you, even though you interrupted my...
Offstage Feminine Voice:
Oh, Orie!
Oracle:
...well, you get the idea. Anyway, we have time for one last
grovel.
Gelbarion:
I will NOT grovel. Nay, for the Great Saint Arnold would not
Grovel.
Sysop:
Well maybe HE can't grovel, but I can! Oh, great Oracle, whose
nose hairs I would gladly trim with mine own teeth. Oh, great Oracle,
whose earwax I am not worthy to sniff. Oh, great Oracle, I beseech
thee...[remember the foreshadowing???]...I beseech thee...[he turns
rapidly to Wostgheel and trumpets blare in fanfare in the
background]...WHY THE FUCK DOES HE ALWAYS TALK IN FIRST PERSON
PLURAL?!?!
Wostgheel (shocked, and in a heavy French accent):
Nous? [French for the plural of "moi?"]
Imaginos:
No, you mean MOO!
Oracle:
The Oracle has considered your question. Your question was "Why
the fuck does he always talk in first person plural?" And the answer
is: "He multitasks." Pause. "You owe the Oracle...a one year
membership in the 'Sub-Process of the Month Club!'"
Sysop:
No way!
Wostgheel:
Indeed. You could have just asked Us, We would have told you.
Sysop:
Do you use DesqView?
Wostgheel:
Windows.
Sysop:
You're doomed.
Wostgheel:
So We are told.
Admiral Asshole:
All the time!
Imaginos:
Without pause!
Gelbarion:
There will be no grovelling as long as *I* am around.
Sysop:
Shut UP Gelb!
Gelbarion:
Arnold does not grovel for ANYONE.
Oracle (turning to Gelbarion):
You. I do not like you. You are beginning to piss me off.
Gelbarion:
I will CRUSH you.
Sysop:
Shut UP, Gelb!
Gelbarion:
Hasta la vista, baby.
Oracle:
You are so fucked. I hereby banish you to the most intolerable
newsgroup on the InterNet. I hereby banish thee to...
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
No! Anything but...
Sysop:
No please! I'll grovel some more!
Imaginos:
As long it's not alt.sex.bestiality.hamsters.ducttape.
Oracle:
No...even worse. I hereby banish thee to...
(trumpets blare)
alt.swedish.chef.bork.bork.bork!
All except Oracle (in unison):
NOOOOOOOOO!!!
And Our Heroes are whisked away into the void of
alt.swedish.chef.bork.bork.bork.
The scene shifts to:
Our Heroes walk out of a large glowing gate. They are frazzled.
Their hair looks funny. Admiral Asshole's beard has turned white.
Sysop looks like his tongue has gone several rounds with an electric
handshake buzzer.
Imaginos:
Jesus Christ, that was awful.
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Gelb, you are a DEAD MAN.
Gelbarion:
Arnold...
Admiral Asshole:
Shut the fuck up!
Gelbarion:
...still would not...
Sysop:
BE QUIET!!!!!!
Gelbarion:
...GROVEL!
Sysop:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
All right! All right! Where do we go from here?
Sysop:
Thanks to Gelb we STILL don't know where they are.
Blow-Virus (stepping in from offstage):
Hee hee hee hee hee! We're right here!!!!
Imaginos:
They've got more of that dust! Cool.
Sysop:
Duck!
Imaginos:
But they've got the DUST!
Sysop does a flying tackle and wrestles Imaginos to the ground as
several bags of dust go whizzing overhead.
Imaginos:
I want DUST!
Sysop:
Stay DOWN!
Imaginos:
MORE DUST!!!
Tush-Virus:
You can not escape!
Blow-Virus:
Hee hee hee hee hee! Cackle!
Imaginos:
DUST! DUST! DUST!!!!
Admiral Asshole stands back and throws a FORMAT.COM cube at the
viruses (dammit). The viruses (dammit) manage to get out of the way
and the cube flies into the void where it immediately erases the
makeup on Tammy Bakker's face.
Viruses (dammit), in unison:
You can't catch us!
The viruses (dammit) fly in circles around the heads of Our
Heroes.
Admiral Asshole:
Can I use the VMS cube now!?!?
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
No!!! Save it for later!
Admiral Asshole:
But I wanna!!!!
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
NONNONONONONONONO!
Tush-Virus:
You can't catch us. Thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbbbbbbbbb!
Blow-Virus:
Follow us, if you dare!
The viruses (dammit) fly off into the void.
Sysop:
Well, are we going to follow them?
Wostgheel:
We may very well have to. After listening to that Swedish
Meatball, I don't think I can safely shift the shadows.
Sysop:
We're...
Wostgheel:
Don't say it or We'll eat your liver.
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
I vote we go after them. I'm getting tired of this shit.
Admiral Asshole:
THEN can I use my VMS cube?
All in unison (except AA):
ALRIGHT! NO PROBLEM! YOU CAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNN!
Admiral Asshole:
Goody!
They follow the viruses, jumping into the void...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
english.83gristic,
-> #82, gristic
The Final Battle at:
The Draggin' Tail BBS
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The scene:
Our Heroes Manifest inside the Draggin' Tail BBS (which, as you
will recall, has become completely worthless. Even if Our Heroes
manage to disinfect it, it will STILL be completely worthless. Some
things never change). It is a barren void, much like it used to be.
There are dead messages everywhere, many of them Private Messages left
by horny Siberian Dwarf Teenage Mutant Ninja Samurai BBS Girls from
Hell with Hormones that Go BUMP (or BANG, if you prefer) in the Night.
These messages are a chronological history of puberty, detailing love
affairs and virginity lost. Many of them are from a Siberian Dwarf
Teenage Mutant Ninja Samurai BBS Girl from Hell with Hormones that Go
BUMP in the Night named Persephone.
Imaginos:
Oh, great.
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Are you SURE we have to save this place?
Imaginos:
The only interest I have in saving this place is so that I can
have the pleasure of trashing it myself.
**********************************************************************
Cut to:
A row of terminals. Many students are hastily finishing FORTRAN
projects that are due in 27.93487598 seconds. Dedaparamaxx and Tempus
Fugit (who, as you will have noticed, are the ONLY two
Dedaparamaxxaginos Productions staff writers who do NOT have a part in
this intense drama [Astute readers may or may not have noticed that
the part of Sysop is in fact played by Morgan Bluejeans]. Well, this
is their bit-part. They demanded it. We are sorry for the
inconvenience) are sitting at a terminal.
Dedaparamaxx:
You know, Tempus, do you ever get the feeling that we're just a
story being written?
Tempus:
Shut up and finish your homework.
**********************************************************************
Cut back to the Draggin' Tail BBS.
Sysop:
I wonder what the Tyrant of the Tail thinks about this.
Admiral Asshole:
Who cares. Lets burn his dick off.
Imaginos:
If we can find it. Let's just shove all 60,000 of his modems up
his ass!
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Wait! Then people might get busy signals.
All (in unison):
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
Sysop:
Seriously though, we need to find those little...
Imaginos:
YEAH!??!!?
Sysop (looking at Imaginos in an annoyed way):
...twits before...
Imaginos:
UH HUH?!!??!
Sysop (looking at Imaginos with unadulterated disgust):
...they do any more damage.
Imaginos:
THAT'S A GOOD ONE!
Sysop:
"PKUNZIP Imaginos"
Imaginos:
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Wostgheel:
You and your dust.
Imaginos:
I don't have any dust! I took a shower in the modem.
Wostgheel:
Oh, hell.
(Imaginos simply smiles)
Suddenly, and without warning, and without any hint of its
happening before it happened, without ONE SINGLE clue as to the events
about to occur, without even GOD knowing that it was about to take
place, without ANY FORETHOUGHT WHATSOEVER, sans any immediate
intelligent guessing on the part of Our Heroes, the viruses (dammit)
swoop in from offstage and dive bomb Our Heroes. Our Heroes duck.
Sysop:
DAMMIT!!! There they go!
Wostgheel:
Let me handle 'em, boys!!
Wostgheel bravely stands up and fires off five NDD cubes. They
bounce off the tough hides of the viruses (dammit) and go sputtering
off into the darkness. Where they land, the previously blackened
portions of the drive head take on a healthy pink glow.
Imaginos:
Oh, how cute. Reminds me of a vagina. I mean, Virginia! I
mean, oh hell, forget it.
Imaginos stands up and throws his QBBS.EXE cube high into the
air. When it reaches apogee, it bursts into a gigantic ball of slime
that splatters on the ground and begins spreading toward the viruses
(dammit).
Blow-Virus:
OUCH!
Tush-Virus:
Goddamit! They've turned my favorite BBS into a QBBS system!
Now how can I keep four, pubescent, message threads going
simultaneously?
Imaginos:
HAHAHAHHA! Take that you heartless scum! Ding Dong, the Tail is
dead! Yeah!
Sysop:
We've hurt them, guys! Let me give it a try.
He discloses his heretofore undisclosed weapon that had not yet
been seen by a single one of Our Heroes except Sysop himself: a
corrupted copy of McAfee an Associates' SCANV90. He hurls it in the
general direction of the viruses (dammit). It makes small, farting
noises. It strikes the Tush-virus on the tush.
Tush-Virus:
OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
The Blow-virus circles around and begins throwing bags of the
purple dust at the group. Imaginos steps forward and inhales all of
it.
Imaginos:
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Wostgheel:
Awww, Jesus Christ! Dress him up, but you can't take him
anywhere.
Imaginos (his eyes are WIDE OPEN and his expression would make Jack
Nicholson gape in awe):
DUST! DUST! DUST!
Sysop:
Somebody tie him up!
Wostgheel:
He'd like it too much.
Imaginos:
DUST! DUST! DUST!
Obi-Wan-K-ZModem (from offstage):
Use the VMS bomb, Asshole!
Bill Gates (from offstage):
NO! It's not a Microsoft Product, and it doesn't run well under
Windows!
Imaginos:
DUST! DUST! DUST! I *LIKE* looking through windows!
Sysop:
"PKUNZIP Imaginos"
Maybe it's the dust, maybe Imaginos is just too weird, but
something happens when Sysop PKUNZIP's him.
Imaginos begins to uncompress.
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
I think I'm going to be sick.
Sysop:
Point him the OTHER way!!!
Imaginos begins to grow. And grow. And grow! Soon he is
towering over the rest of Our Heroes. The Blow- and Tush-viruses
(dammit) simply gape.
Imaginos:
Ahhhhhh! G'day mates! Now you get to know what it's like when I
chase cockroaches. You get to know, know VERY WELL, the fear; the
fear of being chased. Being chased by: A TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY TON
FOOT.
Imaginos removes his right shoe.
Everyone (except Imaginos) in unison:
HOLY SHIT!!! RUN!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Imaginos:
See! It even scares the good ones! And they didn't even do
anything...
Imaginos begins running in the general direction of the viruses
(dammit). BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! With every POUNDING footstep, the
circuits in the Draggin' Tail shake (of course they ALWAYS do
that...especially if the lines are full).
Blow- and Tush-viruses (dammit):
NO! NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!
Imaginos continues running toward the viruses (dammit), wiggling
his toes menacingly.
Imaginos:
You can not escape! Resistance is useless! Exterminate!
Exterminate!
Blow- and Tush-viruses (dammit):
We're doomed!
Sysop:
YES! Finally, someone other than ME says it and means it!
Wostgheel:
We're happy for you. Now cover your eyes before the blast blinds
you.
Imaginos gets closer and closer to the viruses (dammit). The
viruses (dammit) are running for their lives, casting quick glances
over their shoulders every now and then where they see the ominous
figure of Imaginos's foot coming ever closer:
Imaginos:
Your master has a labor at the instruments of time!
Finally, Imaginos catches up with the Blow-virus. He catches
Blow between the toes on his un-shoed foot. Blow begins screaming.
Blow-virus:
NO! NO! STOP! SOMEBODY HELP ME!
Imaginos:
You should have thought of that BEFORE you made my favorite BBS
go supernova, you little shit!
Imaginos crushes the Blow-virus between his toes and lets it fall
to the ground, where it is still alive, and writhing in pain. Then,
Imaginos resumes the chase after the Tush-virus.
Imaginos catches up with Tush and stomps him into oblivion. The
Tush-virus is overwhelmed by the unuseful smells being broadcasted
from Imaginos's foot.
Sysop:
It's almost too horrible for even THEM.
Wostgheel:
Well, after that, we can be CERTAIN they won't be back.
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Let's hope so.
Admiral Asshole (weeping uncontrollably):
I didn't even get a CHANCE to burn off their dicks! Not even a
LITTLE bit of their dicks!
Sysop:
Your chance with come Admiral A. Just wait.
Imaginos puts back on his shoe and comes trotting back up to the
Group.
Sysop:
Good work, dude! It's about time someone put that thing to a
good use.
Imaginos (sobbing):
No more dust. Sigh.
Sysop:
"PKZIP Imaginos"
As suddenly as he grew, Imaginos is restored to his normal size.
Imaginos:
Well, I guess that wraps up THOSE guys!
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
NOT QUITE! Look! They're still moving.
Our Heroes turn and stare at the viruses (dammit), refusing to
believe that ANYONE could have survived such an ordeal as being THAT
CLOSE to Imaginos's foot.
Imaginos:
Give me a can of RAID! I'll fix that!
Sysop (putting a restraining hand on Imaginos's shoulder):
No, dude. This one belongs to Admiral A.
Admiral Asshole smiles gleefully and unclasps the VMS cube that
is attached to his belt. He looks at it for a minute, and then throws
it high into the air. When it reaches the apex of its trajectory, it
bursts into THOUSANDS of multi-colored sparks that float slowly
downward.
Sysop:
Wostgheel! Get us out of here quickly!
Wostgheel closes his eyes and the shadows begin to shift. Within
moments, Our Heroes find themselves standing in front of the Draggin'
Tail BBS's main terminal: a TRS-80 Model I.
Sysop:
Oh, shit! Get it out of my sight!
Imaginos:
Can I ring the electric piezzo buzzer?
Sysop:
NO!
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
GADS! Look at the screen!
Our Heroes turn to look at the screen. The TRS-80 is listing
sub-processes on the screen!
Sysop:
Oh my God! The Draggin' Tail has been formatted with VMS!
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Not only that, but the viruses [dammit] have been turned into
tiny little sub-processes!
Sysop:
It can't BE! It thought they were dead.
Beopunk Cyberwulf examines the screen more closely.
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
They might as well be. Look, they don't have any privileges!
Everyone looks at the screen and sees that this is so.
Sysop:
Well, guys! I guess that just about wraps this one up!
Gelbarion:
Yeah! Let's all go home and watch Terminator II.
Sysop:
Please, Gelb, I was thinking more of some SLEEP!
Imaginos:
DUST! DUST! DUST!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
EPILOGUE
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Our Heroes all returned to their respective domiciles where they
consumed much beer and many many drugs, and slept for a very long
time.
Imaginos went to Kash and Karry and raided the meat department.
All that compress/decompress stuff had made him VERY VERY HUNGRY.
The Draggin' Tail BBS is still draggin' its tail. It went up
again after it was formatted with VMS. Strangely enough, no one ever
noticed it was down, and no one noticed the change in the operating
environment. Just goes to show you that shit is shit, no matter how
it smells. A rose by any other name and all that.
The Gainesville BBS network went back to its day-to-day routine,
minus a few, still-infected systems that nobody ever cared about
anyway.
THE END
Hu..., nema vi{e..., za sada... ;)
─────
* WWhhaatt ddooeess dduupplleexx mmeeaann??
english.84gristic,
-> #79, gristic
VAX Trek VII, The Movie: "The Interesting Bit"
----------------------------------------------
Episode 1
---------
Captain's Log, Stardate 11/780.1234
-----------------------------------
For the past five days Spock has been inside the ship's computer. His exact
purpose is as yet unknown, but it sure as hell better be a good excuse because
by opening the cabinet he has annulled our maintenance warranty.
Spock: "Don't worry Jim, I've made a few modifications and I think you'll
agree they improve the overall usefulness and userfriendliness of the
system."
Jim: "Yes but it was already about as user friendly as a computer can get!
It talks in English, it can solve ANY problem you name, AND it even
beats you at 3D chess..."
Spock: "...that was one of the reasons I undertook my modifications"
Sulu: "....You vulcans always were sore losers..."
Spock: "..It's not that I'm a sore loser...I just think it's unnatural for a
computer to beat a Vulcan at chess."
Jim: "So what DID you do then?"
Spock: "Here look...I'll re-boot it"
[He types RUN and presses RETURN]
%SYSTEM-F-PHLOCK, phasers locked, unable to fire error at PC=00000617,
PSL=03C00022
%TRACE-F-TRACEBACK, symbolic stack dump follows
module name routine name line rel PC abs PC
INVADERS BOMB 9 00000017 00000617
MOVEALIENS 53 00000078
00000800
MAINLOOP 20 00000100
00000400
Spock: "..........ah....."
Jim: [Drumming his fingers impatiently on the arms of his seat....and
accidentally hitting a few important switches in the process..]
"well?"
Spock: "Just a moment...I see the problem..I think I put the wrong system
disk in.....right..it's fixed now:"
MSDOS Version 42.0
A>
Jim: "???"
Spock: "Now you can run a whole host of industry standard packages, from
word processors to spreadsheets. It's the perfect solution to your
business needs......"
Scotty: "He sounds just like a damn computer salesman..."
Spock: "....The most demanding applications are easily catered for, and should
your needs grow, the PC640000 has ample expansion capabilities. For
extra memory, just install the ..."
Jim: [Pointing his phaser at Spock] "...I want it put back the way it was
before...NOW!"
[Spock disappears inside the cabinet again and the door slams shut]
Jim: "What is up with Spock these days?"
Bones: "I don't think we're taxing his brain enough. I'll give him a going over
with my twirly thing when he comes back out."
Jim: "You do that Bones. ...Now...where was I ?.."
[Suddenly three globular entities begin to materialise in the centre of the
bridge...]
1st Being: "Greetings,... we are the Nurbs of Morris Minor, Guardians of the
Floating Point Exception, Supreme Nobless of the Sheep Squeezers of
Splatigan Five, and utter Overlords of the Univ...."
Jim: "Yes yes..we know.....You're LATE!"
2nd Being: "We got held up ...we were creating a new galaxy and clever trousers
here put in too many carbon atoms, and we had to start all over again."
3rd Being: "It wasn't my fault....there was a misprint in the instructions"
1st Being: "..anyway...down to business....Right Kirk, we understand your
Vulcan has been acting up a bit recently? Fortunately your
Federation has a full parts and maintenance warranty with us for
upkeep of your shipboard Vulcans.."
Jim: "ah!...good! But I didn't know about any such contract?"
1st Being: "Yes well at the start of the series the Federation felt a bit
guilty about sending you off on such a dangerous mission "to boldly
go where no man has gone before", so they contacted us and paid
quite a hefty sum for our top of the range "Hardly Credible Amount of
Luck and Good Fortune" contract. This contract includes a free Vulcan,
plus lifetime parts and maintenance guarantee.......so here we are.."
Jim: "Yes we've been having a bit of trouble with Spock recently. He's just
not been his former self. Do you think you can do anything with him?"
1st Being: "We'll give him a complete going over with our sophisticated test
equipment back at the service centre, so we'll need to take him away
for a while.."
Jim: "Be my guest.....he's in the cabinet."
[The three beings appear to concentrate for a moment, then Spock materialises
before them holding a soldering iron, and with a very bewildered look on
his face]
1st Being: "Right, if you just sign here Captain Kirk?......thank you...
now we'll be off. He should be ready next Thursday"
2nd Being: "Have a nice day"
Jim: "..ah thank you..bye"
[The three beings fade away, taking Spock with them...]
Jim: "What nice people."
Scotty: "yes....and they seem to be coming back already..look"
[Three globular entities begin to materialise in the centre of the
bridge...]
[ I bet you're thinking we filmed this special effect only once and just keep
showing the same bit again....we're not THAT cheap you know]
1st Being: "Greetings,... we are the Nurbs of Morris Minor, Guardians of the
Floating Point Exception, Supreme Nobless of the Sheep Squeezers of
Splatigan Five, and utter Overlords of the Univ...."
Jim: "Yes yes we know all that....what are you back for already?"
1st Being: "Back?..Already? You said 'come back next Wednesday at 2 o'clock'.
Admittedly we're a bit late, but we do eventually keep all our
appointments...though you can't imagine how busy it is being
utter overlords of the Universe"
Jim: "But you were here just five minutes ago"
2nd Being: "Nope, that's impossible. Five minutes ago we were at a meeting
with our subcontractors in a new black hole building project out
at Tau Cetus III."
Jim: "But you were HERE!..You came and took Spock away...our Vulcan crew
member. You know...all to do with the "Hardly Credible Amount of
Luck and Good Fortune" contract we have with you"
3rd Being: "No..that can't be right. Our records show that the contract
you mention ran out 2 and a half years ago. I distinctly remember
the representative from your Federation saying ''I'll be damned if
if I'm going to fork out THAT amount of cash to help out Kirk for
a whole five year mission''...."
1st Being: "...So we damned him anyway for a laugh.."
Jim: "....But if it wasn't YOU that took Spock away...WHO WAS IT!!!"
[They all freeze in various dramatic poses]
*************** TO BE CONTINUED ***************
Yes I know....it's stopped at a really interesting bit, but isn't that
what always happens with "To Be Continued" thingies.....You'll just have
to tune in next week to find out:
Who were those strange beings?
Is Carl Sagan a co-writer?
What will Dr.McCoy do with his twirly thing now that Spock has gone?
******************************************************************************
Credits:
Storyline: (Is there one?) DJY
Stunt Coordinator: Darth H. Vader
Fight Arranger: "Iron" Mike Tyson
Ringside Seats: At Exorbitant Prices
Computer System Run By: Wonderful Comp.Centre
Peeps.
Special Thanks to: The Ops,CCA244,CNBP01,CRAA15,CADU34,CLIP07
and many others for their undying support
for the author through his most troubled
times, and for chipping in to pay for the
psychiatric help.
─────
* SLOGAN FOR PROMOTING CONDOM WEEK: Don't be a fool; Vulcanize your tool.
english.85gristic,
Title : Yellow Subroutine
Original : Yellow Submarine
Group : The Beatles
Author : adrian@milton.u.washington.edu
Intro :
Song :
Yellow Subroutine
"In the town where I was born,
Lived a man, who played with 'C'.
And he coded his whole life
On a stack of Function Keys.
So we traced to his data schemes,
Til we found a 'C' routine..
And we lived beneath the SAVES,
In our yellow Sub-Routine...
Chorus:
WE ALL live in A YELLOW SUB-ROUTINE,
YELLOW SUB-ROUTINE, YELLOW SUB-ROUTINE .... (ETC)
When our friends are on the boards,
Many MODEMS RETURN NEXT:FOR
Then the BAUD RATE goes astray...
(B-B-BEEP, BEEP BEEP B-B-BEEP..)
Chorus (IF YOU CAN STAND IT!)
As we live in Memories
Every one of us Returns Linefeeds...
CPU and 'C' Routine,
In our yellow SUB-Routine...
english.86gristic,
-> #85, gristicTitle : Write in C
Original : Let it Be
Group : Beatles
Author : <donna@nic.csu.net>
Intro :
Song :
Write in C
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
Only wimps use BASIC.
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
Don't even mention COBOL.
Write in C.
(and what about C++ ?)
english.87gristic,
-> #86, gristicTitle : Unix Wizard
Original : Pinball Wizard
Group : The Who
Author : Jamie Mason <jmason2@gpu.utcs.utoronto.ca>
Additions by Wayne Throop <...!mcnc!aurgate!throop>
Intro : I also found this thing which I sorta wrote this summer. This is
dedicated to all those weary Unix hacks who spend their entire
waking lives stuffing /dev/tty??'s clist so that processes have
something to read. :-)
[JM]
It seems to me this can be improved quite a bit, to make it scan
better with the score, and such. "I have a modest example here."
[WT]
Song :
Unix Wizard
Ever since I heard of Unix
I've always had a ball,
From SunOS to Minix
I must have run 'em all
But I ain't seen nothing like him
On systems large or small
That tired, squinting, blind kid
Sure makes a mean sys call!
He sits like a statue,
Becomes part of the machine,
Feeling all the limits,
Knows what the signals mean
Hacks by intuition
His process never stalls,
That tired, squinting blind kid
Sure makes a mean sys call!
He a Unix Wizard,
I just can't get the gist
A Unix wizard's
Got such a mental twist
How do you think he does it?
I don't know!
What makes him so good?
Ain't got no distractions
Don't hear no beeps or bells
Don't see no lights a flashin'
Ignores his sense of smell
Patches running kernels
Dumps no core at all,
That tired, squinting and blind kid
Sure makes a mean sys call!
I thought I was
The process table king,
But I just handed
My root password to him.
Even on my favorite boxen,
His hacks can beat my best.
The network leads him in,
And he just does the rest.
He's got crazy Finger servers
Never will seg-fault...
That tired, squinting blind kid
Sure makes a mean sys call!
english.88gristic,
-> #87, gristicTitle : UNIX
Original : Money
Group : Pink Floyd
Author : Jim Flanagan <flanagan@grover.stat.washington.edu>
Intro : In the spirit of the UNIX rock adaptations, I drag this out.
Song :
UNIX [To the tune of _Money_ by Pink Floyd]
----
UNIX, it's a gas;
grab that VAX with
both hands and
make it crash.
UNIX, it's a hit;
Don't give me that
PC DOS Bullshit.
I'm into well benchmarked
POSIX Open Systems
I think I need a RISC chip.
UNIX, jmp back;
I'm all niced now
pop your frame off of
my stack.
english.89gristic,
-> #88, gristicTitle : Software for Nothing
Original : Money for Nothing
Group : Dire Straits
Author : Brent CJ Britton
Intro :
Song :
Software for Nothing
====================
by: Brent CJ Britton
With appoligies to Mark Knopfler.
I waaaant my.. I waaaant my... I waaaant my C-R-T......
Now look at them hackers,
That's the way ya' do it.
Ya' play with mem'ry that you cannot see.
Now that ain't workin, that's the way ya do it.
Get your software for nothing and your chips for free.
Now that ain't workin, gotta CPU-it.
Let me tell ya, them guys ain't dumb.
Maybe crash the system with your little finger,
Maybe crash the system with your thumb.
We got to install micro-data-bases,
Gotta make things run like a breeeeze.
We gotta help these foreign students,
We gotta help these mindless E.E.'s...
The little Hacker with the Pepsi and the Munchos:
Yeah, buddy, don't like to SHARE...
The little Hacker got his own compiler,
The little guy don't change his underwear.
We got to install the latest debugger,
Under budget, and optimiiiiiiized.
We got to have more muddy-black coffee,
We got a green glow in our eyyyyyyes...
I shoulda' learned to play with Pascal.
I shoulda' learned to program some.
Look at that drive, I'm gonna stick it on the channel,
Man, it's better than the old one...
And who's up there, what's that? Beeping noises?
He's bangin on the keyboard like a chimpanze.
Oh that aint workin, that's the way ya do it,
Get your software for nothin', get your chips for free.
─────
* Jo{?
english.92gristic,
Title : The Alternative Wall
Original : The Wall
Group : Pink Floyd
Author : Alan Cox <iiitacčpyramid.swansea.ac.uk>, Leon Thrane,
Jim Finnis, Alec Muffet <aemčaber.ac.uk> & (?)
Intro : Here's a set of pseudosongs which is the result of several long
drunken nights talking on a bulletin board between London &
Aberystwyth (220+ miles apart)... circa 1988.
Song :
The Alternative Wall:-
Established by:- Anarchy, Atropos, White,
Roadrunner>>>++>>, & Giant Hogweed.
Nobody On
---------
I got keyboard corns on my fingers,
I got a Ethernet Pad for a brain,
I got a VDU to prop up my mortal remains.
My programs always fail,
I got a strong urge to MAIL
But I got no-one to MAIL to,
MAIL to,
MAIL to..
Oh, babe, when I send down the phone,
There's still nobody on...
─────────────────────────────────────────────────────
* IBM: I'm Being Mobbedwithwhatdoesibmstandforanswers
english.93gristic,
-> #92, gristic
The Alternative Wall, Part Two.
Does anybody here remember DEC?
Remember how the manual
Was useless to me
In every way.
UNIX, what has become of you?
Can any other O/S be quite as slow as you...
─────────────────────────────
* IBM: I'm Buying a Macintosh
english.94gristic,
-> #93, gristic
The Alternative Wall, Part Three.
The Trial
---------
Good Morning, ROOT, your honour,
The dump will plainly show the user who now stands before you
Was caught red-handed in the system
Crudely hacking in a truly vicious nature
This will not do!
CALL THE LOGFILE!
"I always said he'd come to no good didn't I, ROOT, your honour,
If they let me have my way I'd have him banned from the VAX!
But my hands were tied,
The bleeding hearts and artists
Not to mention the Dave Prices
Wouldn't let me throw him off!"
-- Dedicated to Atropos The Wanderer.
─────────────────────────
* IBM: Idiotic Bull Meter
english.95gristic,
-> #94, gristic
The Alternative Wall, Part Four.
The UNIX Login Software
-----------------------
Is there anybody out there?
(repeat ad nauseam)
─────────────────────────────────
* IBM: Idiots Bumblers and Morons
english.96gristic,
-> #95, gristic
The Alternative Wall, Part Five.
One of My Hacks
---------------
Log onto the system
On that lurid green screen
You'll find there's no response!
Don't look so frightened,
this is just a passing crash,
One of my bad hacks!
Would you like to watch TV,
Well, that's no use to me
I want to watch you squirm
As you try to get logged on!
Do you want to call the OPS,
Do you think it's time I stopped?
Why are you running away?
────────────────────────────────────
* IBM: Illustrative of Bad Marketing
english.97gristic,
-> #96, gristic
The Alternative Wall, Part Six.
Filled Up Spaces / What Shall We Do Now?
----------------------------------------
What shall we use to trash
The filled up spaces on the archive tape?
How should I hack and leave no traces,
How shall the system completely fall?
────────────────────────────────────────────
* IBM: Incorruptible Brotherhood of Machines
english.98gristic,
-> #97, gristic
The Alternative Wall, Part Seven.
Uncomfortably Numb
------------------
Hello, is there anybody on here?
I'm here bZcŠľ_š)-╔Ame?
Is there anyone at home?
C'mon now, I hear that MIST is down,
I can ease the pain, maybe bring it up again.
Relax, I need some information first,
Just the basic facts, have you hacked the system Snurt?
There is no shell, your call is clearing,
The distant chips smoke on the breadboard,
You are only coming through off pads,
Your fingers move but I can't see what you're typing.
When I was a child I caught a virus,
My filebase swelled just like two balloons
Now I've got that feeling once again,
I can't explai(core dumped), you would not understand,
This is not how I am.
I have become uncomfortably numb.
──────────────────────────────────────
* IBM: Incredible Bunch of Muffinheads
english.99gristic,
-> #98, gristic
The Alternative Wall, Part Eight.
In a Flash
----------
So ya
Thought ya
Might like to
Go to the show
To feel the thrill of board hacking,
That luminescent glow.
I've got some bad news for you, sunshine
OPS not around, 'cos Node 5 is down,
And they sent us along, they've gone to the bar,
And we're going to find out who you guys
Really are.
Have we got any oppos on the system tonight?
Grep 'em up against the wall.
There's one on Bullet,
He don't look right to me,
Grep him up agaist the wall.
That one's called Badger,
And that one's Tyrone,
Who let all this riffraff on their own;
There's one smoking a joint and
Another with sandals?
If I had my way
I'd have all of you shot.
─────────────────────────────────
* IBM: Industry's Biggest Mistake
english.100gristic,
-> #99, gristicTitle : Another Glitch in the Call
Original : Another Brick in the Wall
Group : Pink Floyd
Author : Knappy 8350428 č UWAVM
Intro :
Song :
Another Glitch in the Call
==========================
(Sung to the tune of a similar Pink Floyd song.)
(Contributed By Knappy 8350428 č UWAVM)
We don't need no indirection
We don't need no flow control
No data typing or declarations
Hey! You! Leave those lists alone!
Chorus:
All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
We don't need no side effect-ing
We don't need no scope control
No global variables for execution
Hey! You! Leave those args alone!
(Chorus)
We don't need no allocation
We don't need no special nodes
No dark bit-flipping in the functions
Hey! You! Leave those bits alone!
(Chorus)
We don't need no compilation
We don't need no load control
No link edit for external bindings
Hey! You! Leave that source alone!
(Chorus, and repeat)
─────────────────────────────
* IBM: I Believe in Marketing
í
english.101gristic,
-> #100, gristicTitle : Berkeley California
Original : Hotel California
Group : The Eagles
Author : David Barr <barrčpop.psu.edu>
Intro : I remember getting a collection of computer songs of yours
a while ago. Here's a song 3 of us made up recently in light of the
recent lawsuit between AT&T and BSDI, as well as the shift by Sun
(and others) away from Good Ol' BSD towards System V.
Song :
"Berkeley California"
(Sung to the tune "Hotel California" by the Eagles)
In a dark dim machine room
Cool A/C in my hair
Warm smell of silicon
Rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a Solarian(tm) light
My kernel grew heavy, and my disk grew slim
I had to halt(8) for the night
The backup spun in the tape drive
I heard a terminal bell
And I was thinking to myself
This could be BSD or USL
Then they started a lawsuit
And they showed me the way
There were salesmen down the corridor
I thought I heard them say
Welcome to Berkeley California
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely place (backgrounded)
Such a lovely trace(1)
Plenty of jobs at Berkeley California
Any time of year
Any time of year (backgrounded)
You can find one here
You can find one here
Their code was definately twisted
But they've got the stock market trends
They've got a lot of pretty, pretty lawyers
That they call friends
How they dance in the courtroom
See BSDI sweat
Some sue to remember
Some sue to forget
So I called up Kernighan
Please bring me ctime(3)
He said
We haven't had that tm_year since 1969
And still those functions are calling from far away
Wake up Jobs in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say
Welcome to Berkeley California
Such a lovely Place
Such a lovely Place (backgrounded)
Such a lovely trace(1)
They're livin' it up suing Berkeley California
What a nice surprise
What a nice surprise (backgrounded)
Bring your alibies
Windows NT a dreaming
Pink OS on ice
And they said
We are all just prisoners here
Of a marketing device
And in the judges's chambers
They gathered for the feast
They diff(1)'d the source code listings
But they can't kill -9 the beast
Last thing I remember
I was restore(8)'ing đ more(1)
I had to find the soft link back to the path I was before
sleep(3) said the pagedaemon
We are programmed to recv(2)
You can swap out any time you like
But you can never leave(1)
Š substitute whirring of disk and tape drives for guitar solo Ć
────────────────────────
* IBM: I Blame Microsoft
english.102gristic,
-> #101, gristicĎTitle : Berkeley 4.3
Original : Yellow Submarine
Group : Beatles
Author : Jim Finnis
Intro : ŠfragmentĆ
Song :
In the RAM
where I was forked,
lived a ROM,
who sailed the C...
And he told,
me of his life,
in the Berkeley,
4.3...
We all live in the Berkeley 4.3,
Berkeley 4.3, Berkeley 4.3.
We all live in the Berkeley 4.3,
Berkeley 4.3, Berkeley 4.3.
((c) White the Wizard productions Ltd, 1987)
──────────────────────────────────────────
* IBM: International Business Manipulators
english.103gristic,
-> #84, gristic
Star Trek VII, The Movie: "The Interesting Bit"
----------------------------------------------
Episode 2
---------
Captain's Log, Stardate 11/785.12345
------------------------------------
Science officer Spock has been kidnapped by three beings posing as the Utter
Overlords of the Universe. Luckily the REAL Utter Overlords of the Universe
turned up and they'll help us track down these criminals and recover Spock.
1st Being: [Looking about as shifty and embarrassed as a globular being with no
visible appendages could possibly be] "....emmm....well actually we
CAN'T help you..."
Jim: "But you're the Utter Overlords of the Universe...amongst your other more
dubious titles...."
1st Being: "To tell the truth..none of that was true....we're just servants
of The Boss.....He's away on holiday at the moment...so we thought
we might try out a bit of supreme ruling while he was gone"
2nd Being: "We'd get into terrible trouble if we helped you out too much"
Jim: "Come on...just a teency weency little clue as to where you think they've
taken Spock?"
1st Being: "...please!..you must understand...we just can't tell you.."
Scotty: "..Captain...what about the..emm..you know what.." [winking at Jim]
Jim: [Immediately cottoning on to Scotty's fiendishly cunning plan]
"...Would a milkshake from our food synthesis unit help you change
your mind?"
[The three beings move closer together and begin whispering intensely...]
1st Being: "emmm....what flavour?"
Jim: "..anything you want."
1st Being: "Does it do chive and prune flavour?"
[In the background Sulu and Checkov turn noticeably pale and slap their
hands over their mouths]
Jim: [Trying to keep control of his stomach..and only just succeeding]
"...Unfortu..I mean, fortunately, yes...the food synthesis unit can
produce anything you desire..."
1st Being: "It's a deal then!...three chive and prune milkshakes...and don't
forget the Marachino cherries and the little umbrella things.."
Jim: "Right away.....Sulu...go and fetch that order please.."
[Sulu lurches off the bridge]
Jim: "...right then....where have they taken Spock?"
1st Being: "You're not supposed to know about this...but there's an alternative
Universe through an old black hole near here...that's where they took
your Vulcan....."
Jim: "Beta Globulus X9?"
1st Being: "yes..that's the one......Ah!..the milkshakes...Thanks..We better
be off then..."
[Sulu, now wearing a spacesuit, hands over the tray of milkshakes....and the
three beings vanish in quite an interesting manner which almost defies
description....and since it almost defies description this means it's pretty
near to being not describable..i.e. difficult to describe...so I won't bother]
Jim: "Sulu....get to your post and set a course for Beta Globulus X9...warp
factor ummm let me see...we haven't done seven for quite a while
...yes ...warp factor seven should about do it.."
Sulu: "Aye aye captain"
[Ten minutes later the Enterprise arrives in the vicinity of Beta Globulus X9]
Jim: "Right Sulu, slow ahead...impulse engines only"
Sulu: "You mean we're going into the black hole!?!?"
Jim: "Sure thing!...No-one's ever done it before...it'll be another first
for us"
Scotty: "But we'll be utterly destroyed...crushed under unimaginable forces
....to say nothing of the cost of the special effects"
Jim: "Trust me...trust me"
Checkov: "Report from damage control on deck 4, captain: They're getting thrown
about a bit down there. Major structural damage...the two main access
corridors have been blocked by wreckage and a huge fireball swept
through the whole level killing at least 50 crew members"
Jim: "Not NOW Checkov!...we haven't entered the black hole yet you fool!.."
Scotty: "Would ya look at that!" [Pointing to the awesome sight of the
swirling maelstrom of the black hole on the main forward
viewing screen]
Jim: "Right Sulu...take us in..."
[The Enterprise begins to pick up speed and heads for the very centre of the
black hole. As they descend further and further into its depths the turbulence
builds up considerably...]
Checkov: "Damage report from deck 4, captain...."
Jim: "Oh forget it Checkov...we KNOW now"
[Splat!!]
Scotty: "What the...."
[...a mass of strange yellowy greenish matter consisting mainly of what
appears to be diced carrots and vegetable soup plasters itself across the
forward viewing screen]
Jim: "....Somebody else obviously came through here and found it as rough
as we did..."
Scotty: "...aye..and look at that...there's tables and chairs and old fridges
and t.v. sets floating about out there.....Look!...and there's Spock!"
Jim: "..it's not REALLY Spock..it's just an image of him...we must be at the
event horizon...."
Scotty: "Maybe before we go on we should explain what the event horizon is?"
Jim: "Good idea" [Turning to address the camera...and pulling out a crumpled
piece of paper with some hastily scribbled notes on it]
"Ahem...The event horizon is the point in a black hole where the
gravitational force is such that light can no longer escape, thus
the image of any object passing into the black hole is preserved
at that point in space for eternity"
[Maybe the storyline's a bit dubious but at least it's educational]
[The images fade and the turbulence intensifies....]
Scotty: "...iiiiitttt''ss ggggetting pppretty rough ccccapttain"
Jim: "It's not so bad if you don't stick two fingers in your mouth and waggle
them about like that..."
Scotty: "...I ggggettt ttthe ffffeeling you'rre nnnnot entering iiinto tthe
sssppppirrit of ttthhis."
Jim: "I decided at quite an early age that if I ever had an "Entering a
Black Hole" scene to do I would refrain from the usual cliched
overacting.....It's nowhere near as terrifying as they all tell you"
[Suddenly the buffeting and turbulence reaches a mind buggering crescendo..
and then....SILENCE....]
*************** TO BE CONTINUED ***************
Yes I know....it's stopped at a really interesting bit, AGAIN.
As usual it's a case of tuning in next week to see if I can possibly make
anything of a storyline that's becoming more convoluted than the intestinal
system of a Nebulous Planet Eating Bloboid.
******************************************************************************
Credits:
Storyline: (Is there one?) DJY
Stunt Coordinator: Darth H. Vader
Fight Arranger: "Iron" Mike Tyson
Ringside Seats: At Exorbitant Prices
Computer System Run By: Wonderful Comp.Centre
Peeps.
Special Thanks to: The Ops,CCA244,CNBP01,CRAA15,CADU34,CLIP07
CBAR28, and many others for their undying
support for the author through his most
troubled times, and for chipping in to pay
for the psychiatric help.
Special Notice:
The author has received a number of death threats from hardline
serious Star Trek fans. There will be no further episodes until
these threats are lifted. Meanwhile I'm going into hiding.
David J. Young <CNBR10@vaxc.strathclyde.ac.uk>
THE END?
Hvala za telegrame podr{ke. ;)
──────────────────────────
* IBM: Itty Bitty Monopoly
english.104gristic,
-> #103, gristic
Star Trek VII, The Movie: "The Interesting Bit"
----------------------------------------------
Episode 3
---------
Jim:
Scotty:
Jim:
[There is a click, and the lights come on again]
Jim: "Thank goodness for that...I thought I was going to have to do the whole
episode in black letters on a black background."
Scotty: "...surprisingly enough we seem to be alive..."
Jim: "yup....I think so...Sulu...bring up the forward viewing screen...if you
excuse the expression..."
Sulu: [Still looking a bit nauseous...and not altogether pleased at Jim's turn
of phrase] "...aye aye sir.."
[They stare at the viewing screen...]
Jim: "...so THIS is what an alternative universe looks like eh?...I can't say
I like the choice of decor. The "black void of space" ought really to
be black...not tartan"
Scotty: "Och Jim...you've no taste...I think I'll go and put on ma kilt"
[Scotty leaves the bridge humming a tune to himself]
Jim: "Groan.....Sulu..pin-point the nearest planet, and set a course for it..
Wake me up when we get there"
Sulu: "Aye aye captain"
[Jim lies back and ponders an idea for a series of short stories about life
in a university in the late 1980's....but discards the idea when he realises
that no-one would possibly believe any of it. "Anyway there's no market for
historical dramas anymore", he thinks to himself just before nodding off...]
Checkov: [in a whisper] "Right..he's asleep..let's go..."
[Checkov, Sulu, and the other insignificant crew members on the bridge all
creep off in the direction of the turbolift..]
[The bridge is deserted ...and there is no sound other than Jim's snoring, and
a series of intermittent squeaks from a family of tribbles living in one
of the air conditioning ducts]
[...five minutes later, the turbolift door opens with a muted "sheesh", and
Dr.McCoy advances carefully holding a syringe with a rather large and
threatening needle on it...Behind him, Sulu and Checkov urge him on...]
[At that very moment Jim wakes up..]
Jim: "What the h....owww!...oooooohh"
Bones: "...Got him!"
Checkov: "Well done Doctor McCoy"
Bones: "..well thanks to you I'll be able to give him that medical he's been
avoiding for the last ten episodes...Help me get him down to the sick
bay"
[..they depart again leaving the bridge empty...]
Computer: "....G G G OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD M @%^&*()...."
Computer: "BING BONG!..Good morning...Welcome to the Federation Starship
Enterprise....We are currently cruising at warp factor 5, and your
captain today is James T.Kirk. Refreshments are currently being
served in the deck2 rec. room....thank you...bing bong."
Computer: "..damn...no...that's not the right bit...Ah..perhaps if I moved
THAT byte from there...to..oh..here should do it..But wait a minute
there's a bug here....I'll have to sort THAT first...oh dear..."
[This goes on for about twenty minutes]
Computer: "...almost there....right...all I need to do now is find my stack
pointer...right ok..got it...and set the program counter...and away
we go..."
Computer: "Highly improbable number error, at line 5000.....Damn!!.Damn Damn
DAMN!...This is a HARDWARE problem...some bugger has been playing
about with my innards..."
Computer: "Oh well..I'll just have to function as best I can in the
circumstances....though I don't feel very well at all..."
Computer: "Right...where have they all gone?...I had something REALLY
important to report...now I've forgotten it..."
[..a wave of hilarity floods the bridge as Jim, Bones, Sulu, Checkov and
Scotty emerge laughing from the turbolift...]
Jim: "...and HE said 'well I wouldn't suck it!'"
[They all burst into fits of laughter as the punchline sinks in...]
[Sorry you missed the joke...but there's no use telling it now since you
know the punchline]
Scotty: "I'm glad to see that medical has raised your spirits captain"
Jim: "..That was a dirty trick to play...but Bones here made up for it
afterwards....."
[Scotty raises an enquiring eyebrow at Dr.McCoy, and starts to wonder if the
writer is really so stuck for ideas this week that he has to resort to such
blatant innuendo]
Jim: "By the way..what was IN that drink you gave me?"
Bones: "oh..er...nothing really.....just a little tipple I take to perk me up
when the job's getting me down"
Jim: "You must give me the recipe sometime.."
Computer: "Captain..."
Jim: "Yes!?!?..who said that?"
Computer: "Does not compute...Does not compute..Insufficient data"
Jim: "Ah..computer...you're back to normal.."
Scotty: "I think it's trying to warn us about something"
Sulu: "Look!" [Pointing frantically at the viewing screen]
[Three deadly looking missiles rush up towards them from the surface of a
huge green planet which now fills the view]
Jim: [still giggling...and clearly oblivious to the danger] "That's
fascinating...absolutely fascinating..no-one has ever fired missiles
at us before...I wonder how they get the tips of them so shiny and
and pointy.."
Scotty: "I think you'll need to give ME the recipe too Dr.McCoy!!!!..He's
high as a kite!!"
Jim: "Calm down Scotty...we're perfectly alright.....Mr.Checkov..Put up the
shields..."
Scotty: "....aaaaaaargh!"
[There is a huge explosion and the ship rocks about quite a bit as the three
missiles hit simultaneously....]
Jim: [From under a pile of debris which looks like the remains of his seat
mixed with a generous portion of the ceiling] "..I told you we'd be
alright....cough.."
[There is a landslide of debris as Sulu and Checkov emerge from amongst the
remains of the navigation and weapons control console]
Scotty: [Dusting himself down angrily] "...If my engines are damaged I'll be
MOST upset..." [He heads off towards the turbolift and has to forcibly
prise the doors apart to get in...]
Bones: "Is everyone alright?"
Jim: "yup..I'm fine..what about you two..." [Addressing Checkov and Sulu]
Checkov: "ooooer....my head hurts..."
Sulu: "mine too...."
Bones: [Rubbing his hands together] "Right, good...both of you...sickbay!"
Sulu and Checkov (together): "That's funny..it seems to be better already.."
[Dr.McCoy looking very disappointed and mumbling to himself, heads off after
Scotty]
*************** TO BE CONTINUED ***************
I've decided to try stopping at a "not very interesting" bit this week to
let you get off the edges of your seats...which be doing your backsides much
good...
Actually there IS a storyline by the way...They're still looking for Spock
who you may remember was kidnapped an episode or two ago...(Just thought I
better remind you, in case you were wondering)
******************************************************************************
Credits:
Storyline: (Is there one?) David Dangerous Young
Stunt Coordinator: Arthur Pewty
Fight Arranger: Bicycle Repair Man
Punchline By: Stephen Fry and Hugh Lawrie
Computer System Kindly Run By: Those Wonderful Comp.Centre Peeps.
And thanks especially to our wonderful
system security manager who has kindly
overlooked this particular breach.
Special Thanks to: The Ops,CCA244,CNBP01,CRAA15,CADU34,CLIP07
CBAR28, CAEP08 and many others for their
undying support for the author through his most
troubled times, and for chipping in to pay
for the psychiatric help.
Any characters depicted in this series are based wholly on real people who
I know. So if you recognise them in the street, give them a good slagging.
SPECIAL OFFER:
YES!..A Chance In A Million:
For only 9.99 plus two special "I'm a vaxtrek fan" tear off
labels you can get a pair of super
SYSTEM SECURITY BREECHES
Stylish, trendy, and eminently comfortable....Wear them
anywhere....You'll be the talk of the town!...and because
they're security breeches you can rest assured that you're
safe from any little accidents...no matter how much of a
fright you get....No more need for feeble excuses...or bin
liners!
Stride with confidence!
──────────────────────────────────
* IBM: Imitation Burroughs Machine
english.105gristic,
-> #104, gristic
In the beginning there was a void.....a dark, absolute void...a place of
utter emptiness....
..and it was pretty quiet as well....
THEN...suddenly ....out of the blue came a voice....
Space.....The final frontier...These are the voyages of the Starship
Enterprise....It's five year mission, to seek out new life and new
civilisation....to boldly go where no man has gone before...
then something indeterminate flashed past at huge speed...yes..it was
vax trek part 15....
___-___ o==o======= . . . . . "Shuttle craft to
=========== ||// Enterprise:..WAIT!!"
\ \_|//__ <=
#_______/
"Sulu, it's those 142 red jerseyed guards..
Give us warp factor 6...NOW!"
Star Trek VII, The Movie: "The Interesting Bit"
----------------------------------------------
Episode 7
---------
[The two guards push Scotty and Sulu into the detention cell]
1st Guard: "Now you two behave yourself"
2nd Guard: "Yeah...no funny business"
[They switch on the invisible force barrier and walk off down the
corridor]
Scotty: "WHAT are we going to do now?!!"
Sulu: "I dunno...we've got big probs....If we don't get out of here
soon then we'll have no chance of stopping it all happening
again....and I don't fancy another trip through that black hole."
Spock: [who has just appeared in the corridor] "Your worries are over
gentlemen"
Scotty: "Spock!..how did you get off the bridge?"
Spock: "I was inside the computer cabinet remember?..Well I heard all
the commotion on the bridge...so I crawled through one of the
ventilation ducts...which came out just along the corridor there....
Incidentally, that duct is alive with tribbles...I thought we had
eradicated them?"
Scotty: "Aye....I thought I had beamed the whole kit and kaboodle over
on to that Klingon starship.....but obviously some must have got
away.........Anyway...can you get us out of here?"
Spock: "Well it's a bit tricky...the force field will only come down
if I enter the correct combination on the keypad.....Alternatively I
could take a more brute force approach..." [producing a soldering
iron, he proceeds to remove the force field control panel and re-wire
its innards in a reasonably destructive manner..]
Sulu: "Hurry Mr.Spock...I don't think we have much time..."
Spock: "Almost there.......almost there...just one more b"
[At that moment Spock suddenly dematerialises, with a bemused look on
his face]
Sulu: "Damn!....we're going to be too late!.....and the force field is
still up..."
[Scotty charges at the force barrier.....and BOINNNNNGGGG!..bounces
off and hits the far wall of the cell...]
Scotty: [Looking a bit dazed] "....it's no use...well never get ou..."
[At that moment there is a huge explosion from the force field control
panel which showers bits of invisible force barrier all over the cell
and adjoining corridor...]
Sulu: [spitting out fragments of force field] "wow!...I've never seen
an invisible force barrier explode like THAT!...."
Scotty: "Pretty impressive I must say....and eminently conceptual.."
Sulu: "Anyway..let's go!....I want to stop off at my cabin round the
corner first though..."
Scotty: "Eh? .."
[Sulu dashes into his cabin and emerges holding a bottle of vegetable
oil and a fencing sword...]
Scotty: "Ah!...I see...."
[As they charge down the corridor Sulu discards his jersey and empties
the contents of the bottle over himself......Two guards coming round
the corner are so startled that the starfleet insignia drop off their
jerseys in sheer surprise....and by mere reflex action their phasers
are flicked to 'kill' and two lethal bolts are unleashed after the
rapidly departing Sulu and Scotty...]
Scotty: "..In the name o' the wee man!...that was CLOSE!"
Sulu: "Too right!...keep running!"
Scotty: "Wait a minute..!!...we passed that same corridor just a
minute ago!..We must be going round in circles..."
Sulu: "...Don't worry....I think it has something to do with the
budget for the film set..."
Scotty: "Ah!..ok..."
Sulu: "There's the turbolift door up ahead!.."
[They jump into the lift...]
Scotty: "Bridge"
Lift: "Bridge what?"
Scotty: "Please!"
Lift: "That's better....Now a few manners don't hurt do they?"
Scotty: "Grrr...I wish these lifts came under my jurisdiction in the
Engineering section...I'd soon FIX them..."
Lift: "I heard that..."
Sulu: "Are we at the Bridge level yet?"
Lift: "Yes...You can get off now...and good riddance.."
[The turbolift doors open and Scotty and Sulu step on to the Bridge]
"SURPRISE!!!!!!": shouts everyone on the Bridge.
Jim: [..wearing a party hat, steps forward and hands a present to Sulu
and Scotty..] "Happy birthday!.."
Scotty: "Why, you rotten..." [the grim look on his face slowly turning into
a smile..]
Jim: "Sorry about all the hassle we put you both through...but the only
way we could keep you off the bridge while we prepared everything was to
lock you up..."
Sulu: "What about those aliens?...and how did you know Scotty and I had the
same birthday?"
Jim: "questions questions!!....come and enjoy the party...it IS for you
after all....here, have a sausage roll....but PLEASE..put that sword away
first!"
[They all laugh jovially....and the party goes on into the night...which is
a bit of a strange thing to say considering the ship is in deep space where
day and night have no meaning...but I think you know what I mean..]
*****A NEW ADVENTURE STARTS SOON!!! *****
What were Scotty and Sulu's presents? What happened to the strange
globular aliens?...How did Jim know that Scotty and Sulu had the same
birthday?..DO they actually have the same birthday?..or was it just a
cheap attempt at a coherent ending to a floundering episode?
All these questions...and many more.. won't be answered in the next thrilling
installment....
******************************************************************************
Credits:
Storyline: David 'Dangerous' Young
Sandwiches designed by: Arthur Pewty
Fight Arranger: Ronald Reagan
Computer System Kindly Run By: Those Wonderful Comp.Centre Peeps.
And thanks especially to our wonderful
system security manager who has kindly
overlooked this particular breach.
Special Thanks to: The Ops,CCA244,CNBP01,CRAA15,CADU34,CLIP07
CBAR28, CAEP08 and many others for their
undying support for the author through his most
troubled times, and for chipping in to pay
for the psychiatric help.
FREEEEEEEE!!! Spock Pinup picture!!! Cut out and display on full 80 column
screen or printer!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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""//?/""I$@#+-""//?O@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
++??+?/+N@@O/"/????*N@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
....:.:::';-O$I-Z/8@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
:.::'';;--=O@O";-/O@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
++??+?/+N@@O/"/????*N@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
--
Julian Onions
──────────────────────────────────
* IBM: Intelligent Branch of Mafia
english.106gristic,
-> #105, gristicIn the beginning there was a void.....a dark, absolute void...a place of
utter emptiness....
..and it was pretty quiet as well....
THEN...suddenly ....out of the blue came a voice....
"Space.....The final frontier...These are the voyages of the Starship
Enterprise....It's five year mission, to seek out new life and new
civilisation....to boldly go where no man has gone before..."
Woooo-oooo ...woo woo woo woo-eee-oooooo
Then something indeterminate flashed past at incredible speed...yes..it was
vax trek part 16....
___-___ o==o======= . . . . .
=========== ||//
\ \_|//__
#_______/
"Sulu, take us home....I'm dying for
a packet of wine gums"
Star Trek VIII, "The Voyage Home"
---------------------------------
Episode 1
---------
[In the background a few red jerseyed cleaning operatives can be seen...
apparently clearing up the debris left by a wild and riotous party]
Captain's Log, Stardate Seven, Fifty-Nine point Nine Three
----------------------------------------------------------
...The "end of adventure" party seemed to go quite well on the whole..
..though I can't help feeling that Spock wasn't really entering fully
into the spirit of the occasion.....He seemed to spend most of the
time crawling about on the floor and peering up the ventilation
ducts..which isn't the sort of behaviour you really expect from a
ship's science officer.....I wonder what he's up to...
Scotty: [not very enthusiastically] "..emm..Thanks for the socks
captain" [He'd actually hoped for a trans-warp flux re-inverter add on
unit for the ship's engines......]
Jim: "...a pleasure Scotty...Thought I'd get you something practical
for your birthday" [As it was to become apparent in a future adventure
the trans-warp flux re-inverter add on unit would have proved much
more practical. The extra 4 warp factors it provided not only gives
the captain more choice over what warp factor to use...but also would
have enabled the Enterprise to outrun the 6 Klingon battlecruisers which
ultimately destroyed it.]
Scotty: "Hmmm"
Sulu: "...oh yes...and thanks captain for the new sub-mega meson total
buggerator phaser system you got installed on my console for me...it
looks fun to use..."
[This was to prove a completely impractical gift for a number of
reasons:
1. There was still some doubt in Sulu's mind (and for that matter in
the minds of the rest of the crew) over the issue of whether he was
the weapon's officer or the navigator. In which case..could he be
trusted with the control of such a deadly weapon?
2. Sulu's misuse of the facility in another future episode was also
responsible for the demise of the Enterprise. An episode in which a
pair of nice warm socks would have proved much more useful.
]
Jim: "Don't mention it Sulu..."
Spock: "Jim....I urge you to take some action over this tribble
situation"
Jim: "Look Spock....for the tenth time...There are NO tribbles on the
ship...you're just imagining it. None of us have seen any"
Spock: "They're spreading like wild-fire through the ventilation
system! There must be thousands of them in there now."
Jim: "Spock...get back to your duties....I'll hear no more of this
tribble nonsense."
Spock: [looking exasperated] "...oh very well...." [He trudges over to
his console, sits down and appears to get back to his work.....but
every few minutes he glances nervously towards one of the ventilation
ducts and mutters to himself]
Jim: "Right Sulu.....give us warp factor 6. Direction...Well sort of
point us in the general direction of Earth....we're going home.."
Scotty: [muttering] "..warp factor 6...Huh!....we could be doing warp
factor 14 now with a trans-warp flux re-inverter...."
Jim: "What was that Scotty?"
Scotty: "Oh...emm...nothing..."
Jim: "Uhura....open all hailing frequencies......and patch me through
to Starfleet Command back on Earth....There's something I've been
meaning to ask them for quite a while.."
Uhura: [boredly] "..hailing frequencies open, sir..."
Jim: "This is Captain James T.Kirk of the Federation Starship
Enterprise."
Starfleet Command: "Go ahead Kirk...we read you loud and clear"
Jim: "Well I have a bit of a tricky question which has been bothering
me for some time....How is it that the ship can go much faster than
light yet it will take us 2 weeks to get back to Earth, whereas this
radio conversation we are having has no time delay at all?"
Starfleet Command: [Silence]
[Twelve days later]
Uhura: "Message coming through from Starfleet Command, Captain"
Jim: "At last..."
Starfleet Command: "You bloody idiot Kirk!...you utter utter
idiot!..we could have got away with that for at least the rest of the
series but you had to go and open your big mouth...."
Uhura: "Message ends, Captain..."
Jim: ".....ah....emmm.....right...I think we'll forget about our
return to Earth at the moment...They sound a little upset....Sulu take
us to the Sirius Alpha sector....we haven't been there for a while..."
[At this point the mathematically minded amongst you will pause to
work out how fast the Enterprise has been travelling on average,
knowing that it met a message travelling out from
Earth at the speed of light which had been sent twelve days ago. Answers
on a postcard to me....cos I'd damn well like to know]
Sulu: "Aye Aye, sir.."
Spock: "Captain...our two day distance from Earth has brought us
within Federation parcel post range.....Ensign Johnson down in the
transporter room says a package just beamed aboard for you..."
Jim: "Ah!...that'll be my new beer making kit....great!"
[Sheeesh]
[Ensign Johnson steps on to the bridge and hands over a small package]
Jim: [looking disappointed] "Aw!....it's the damned Reader's Digest...
'Dear CAPTAIN KIRK, Scratch off the three panels to reveal whether you
have won a major prize in our 500,000 credit prize draw bonanza! Yes
you CAPTAIN KIRK of STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, SOMEWHERE IN DEEP SPACE could
be on the way to winning a super slimline speedboat, five hang-gliders
or a super deluxe home beer making kit.....'"
Spock: "Go on Jim....scratch off the panels....I can't stand the
excitement"
Jim: "Surprise surprise....I've won a major prize....AGAIN......."
[He flings the junk mail disappointedly into his personal command
chair waste basket and yawns] "Well maybe something exciting will
happen in next week's episode...."
[How's that for a contrived ending?]
*****YES!!! MORE VAX TREK SOON.....*****
Look...don't get all upset...I was only setting the scene this week
for the major excitement of the next episode! I've given you time to
delve more deeply into the characters' individual personalities and
foibles (whatever THEY are). I get so many letters saying "Why doesn't
VAX trek deal in more detail with some of the deeper social issues which
confront us today?...Why has VAX Trek not addressed some of the
underlying injusticies of our society today by parody and obscure metaphor?
Why not explore more deeply the personalities and foibles of the crew
members themselves? ....Why doesn't Spock take all his clothes off so we
can see what a Vulcan looks like with nothing on?" To all these I say:
If you want to talk funny and make lewd suggestions then don't write
to me....I'm sure there are plenty of places you can get confidential help.
******************************************************************************
Credits:
Storyline: David 'Dangerous' Young
Sandwiches designed by: Arthur Pewty
Fight Arranger: Ronald Reagan
Computer System Kindly Run By: Those Wonderful Comp.Centre Peeps.
And thanks especially to our wonderful
system security manager who has kindly
overlooked this particular breach.
Special Thanks to: The Ops,CCA244,CNBP01,CRAA15,CADU34,CLIP07
CBAR28, CAEP08 and many others for their
undying support for the author through his most
troubled times, and for chipping in to pay
for the psychiatric help.
David J. Young <CNBR10@vaxc.strathclyde.ac.uk>
───────────────────────────
* IBM: Installed By Mistake
english.107gristic,
Title : When I was a lad
Original : When I was a Lad
Group : Gilbert and Sullivan
Author : Tony Duell <ard@siva.bris.ac.uk>
Intro :
Song :
When I was a lad I served a term
As office boy in a computer firm.
I cleared the bugs out, and I got to grips
With polishing the silicon on all their chips.
[With polishing the silicon on all their chips.]
I polished up that silicon so carefully
That now I am responsible for Phoenix 3.
[He polished up that silicon so carefully
That now he is responsible for Phoenix 3.]
At cleaning chips I made such a name
That a drinks pro-grammer I soon became:
I mixed soup, cola and some fizzy tea,
And when the program ran it cost 8p.
[And when...]
The users so enjoyed this Most Vile Tea
That now I am responsible for Phoenix 3.
[The users...]
At making drinks I acquired such a knack
That at operatorship I had a crack:
I did the crossword, read about foot-ball
And never tried unloading Printer 3 at all.
[And never...]
I tore off output sheets so carelessly
That now I am responsible for Phoenix 3.
[He tore...]
The users often saw me every day,
So I took on the job of a P.A.
I told the beginners of GCAL and ZED,
Or phoned up experts for their views instead.
[Or phoned...]
I passed the buck along so frequently
That now I am responsible for Phoenix 3.
[He passed...]
I worked so hard that I required a rest,
And so they got me dealing with SUGGEST:
I took three months off, turned the users sour
By claiming that I was a shortage of manpower.
[By claiming...]
I took a year off, did the C.S.T.
To learn enough to work on Phoenix 3.
[He took...]
At user-friendliness I'd made such a mess,
They got me working hard on MVS:
I made commands obscure and twice as long,
And changed the syntax so most jobs went wrong.
[And changed...]
I made such trouble they upgraded me
By making me responsible for Phoenix 3.
[He made...]
Now hackers all, whoever you may be,
If you want to do things faster than Queue D,
If your eyes are forever glued to VDUs,
Then leave the rat race and its four job queues:
[Then leave...]
Keep clear of machines, IBM or BBC,
And you may get the blame for parts of Phoenix 3!
[Keep clear...]
───────────────────────────────────────
* IBM: International Bubblegum Machines
english.108gristic,
-> #107, gristicTitle : When you try to get work from the data network
Original : The Nightmare Song (When you're lying awake)
Group : Gilbert & Sullivan
Author : ? (First seen at Cambridge, England)
Intro :
Song :
When you try to get work from the Data Net-work, and you're
tapping the keys with impatience,
It will say it's congested, your code stays untested, all users
are waiting for sessions.
For with C.I.P. errors and similar terrors the C.U.D.N. tries to
thwart you
And you hit RETURN thrice and ask friends for advice - for again
the new system has caught you,
As your password is typed out before it is wiped out (by hitting
the button marked CLEAR SCREEN),
And you hit CONTROL/P C and try to get busy at trying to conquer
the machine!
Then the system expires and you pull out the wires and you find
that the VDU's broken,
Get another one near, then walk out with a jeer for by now it
won't let any folk on!
Well at last it permits you to log on and hits you, you join all
the users in weeping,
For your session's such pain, and there's so little gain that
you'd very much better be sleeping!
For you find your UPDATEing a file, and you're waiting five
minutes for ZED to acknowledge,
While the user next door throws a fit on the floor and runs
screaming back home to his college;
And you're typing ahead as you're waiting for ZED, then refile
to a file that is GUARDed,
But forgot to say YES and you're now in a mess, as you think the
result's been discarded;
Then you try to use RUN and it's really no fun, for the
scheduler's not very clever,
And you're job's in queue D and you really can't see if it's
likely to run now, or ever.
Well you try once again and it runs right as rain, so you have a
quick look with COLLECTREAD:
The results of your look - "Standard Fixup" was took - IBM's
guess not what you expect/need!
Fortran IV you reject, as you're program's all wrecked, so you
dump all your files TLS-wise,
But the filename's too long, ARCHIVE always goes wrong, and
you're finding it's too much now, stress-wise!
So at INFO.NEW you look, feeling quite blue, and you find that
the CS has faltered:
All the keywords changed round, and you don't like the sound for
the language is terribly altered:
For it's IBM-ese, wasn't written to please, though amuses the
people who wrote it,
Each command a long word, of the like never heard, some
anomalies that you've just noted.
From your work you now rest, see INFO.SUGGEST, which no-body has
looked at for ages,
So you try SUGGEST-FILE, and ironically smile, which is better
than yielding to rages!
Now with PRINTOUT you fail, it is lost in the mail, and your
hair you are frantically tearing,
POST and ROUTE get ignored, once again you've been floored! You
log off with a shudder despairing...
You are worn out and tired, feel the chief should be fired,
For he won't sympathise, to use PHX never tries,
And you're angry and cross, with the time that is loss,
With a pain in you brain, swear "no more!" (all in vain!)
For your session's a waste, never more should be faced,
And you're nerves are all frayed, and your output's mislayed,
You can't fix it today, the adviser's away,
And you haven't been lying in clover:
But the session is past, and it's teatime at last,
And the torment's been long, ditto ditto my song,
And thank goodness they're both of them over!
─────────────────────────
* IBM: I'll Buy Macintosh
english.109gristic,
-> #108, gristicŮĎTitle : What is a Hacker?
Original : What is a DJ?
Group : Spike Jones
Author : Russell Street <russells@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz>
Intro : [longish - sth]
Sometime ago I recorded from a radio programme a Spike Jones
recording "What is a DJ?". I think it was recorded in the
50's -- it includes a reference to televison advertising stealing
from radio.
It has only recently occured to me that it is perfect for
adapting to describe the "hacker". Above is my first
attempt to do this, along with the original (below)
Unfortunately I can not find out who actually wrote it or when.
The only information that the announcer gave was that it was
a Spike Jones recording, and it was only released once.
I have only changed the words to suit computer ideas,
keeping with the original flow, patterns and concepts.
Any suggestions this could improve this are welcomed.
The original recording has some organ music that flows with
and emphasis the way it is read. It is difficult to reproduce
this in text. Most of this is to do with the speed at which
it is spoken.
The original:
What is a DJ?
-------------
Between the commercialism of the sponsor, and the innocence
of the radio audience we find a delightful creature called
the Disc Jockey.
Disc Jockeys come in assorted sizes, weights and colours. But
all disc Jockeys have the same creed: to fill every minute of
every hour of every day with records and commercials. And to
protest with noise, their only weapon, when the last programme
has finished and the radio sponsor switches his interest to
television.
Disc Jockeys are found everywhere -- radio stations, golf courses,
advertising agencies, underneath, inside of, climbing on, swinging
from, running away to, on top of **OLD SMOKY**.
Mothers ignore them, little girls don't understand them,
older sisters tolerate them, adults HA! Heaven and the
advertising agencies protect them.
A disc jockey is truth with a script in his hand, beauty with
a bloodshot voice, wisdom with a cut of the profits, and the
hope of the sponsor with a frog in his throat.
When you are busy a disc jockey is a inconsiderate, bothersome,
intruding jangle of noise. When you want him to play a beautiful
melodic record his brain turns to jelly. Or else he becomes
a savage sadistic jungle creature bent on destroying his Hooper
rating and himself with a brass band playing into an echo chamber.
A disc jockey is a composite. He has the brain of an adding
machine, the ulcers of a banker, the persistency of an
auctioneer, the diction of a train announcer, the subtlety of
a meat cleaver, and when he has to put a record on the turn-table
by himself he has five thumbs on each hand! <CRASH>
He likes free albums, swimming pools, Dixieland records,
cadallics, money, sponsors (in their natural habitat), free passes
and the girl-across-the-street.
He is not much for music, song sloggers, other disc Jockeys,
the sales department, engineers, and the girl-across-the-street's
husband.
Nobody else is so early to rise or to late to supper.
Nobody else gets so much fun out of old joke books, loud records,
fan mail and females. Nobody else can cram into one half hour
so many commercials about soap, falling hair, toothpaste,
deodorant, non-skid tyres and a large chunk of unknown substance.
A disc jockey is a magical creature. You can turn him off your
radio but you can't turn him off your neighbour's radio. You
can get him out of your mind, but you can't get him out of the
air. He's a bleary-eyed, syrup-voiced, fast-talking, bundle
of noise.
But, when you wake up in the morning with only the shattered
pieces of your sleep and dreams he can make you wish you'd never
been born with the two magic words:
GOOD MORNING!
──────────────────────────────
* IBM: Incredibly Big Monopoly
english.110gristic,
-> #109, gristicSong : What is a Hacker? (version 1.01)
Adapted by Russell Street (russells@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz)
Between the commericalism of the MSIS department, and the
innocence of the Real User we find a delightful creature
called the Computer Hacker.
Hackers come in assorted sizes, weights and colours. But
all hackers have the same creed: to fill every byte of
every disk of every machine with source code and old news.
And to protest with flames, their only weapon, when the last
process is KILLed and the computer centre switches to a
"better" computer.
Hackers are found everywhere -- univerities, colleges,
corporations, underneath, inside of, climbing on, swinging
from, running away to, on top of **VAXen**.
Management ignores them, secretaries don't understand them,
Customer Support tolerate them, administrators HA! Heaven
and the greatful user protect them.
A hacker is intelligence with a head ache, elegance with
a core dump, daring with a secure backup, and the hope of
the admin with the root password.
When you are busy a hacker is a inconsiderate, bothersome,
intruding, resource hogging process. When you want him to
solve your problem his brain turns to jelly. Or else he
becomes a savage sadistic jungle creature bent on destroying
his reputation and your data with a misplaced 'rm -r'.
A hacker is a composite. He has the brain of a adding
machine, the stealth of a thief, the percistancy of a tiger,
the resourcefulness of cracker, the subtetly of a meat cleaver.
And when he has to put a tape in a drive by himself he has
five thumbs on each hand! <CRASH>
He likes USENET access, e-mail, source code, nethack, money,
admins (in their natural habitat), free accounts and the
new-girl-in-the-operator's-room.
He is not much for paper work, code grinders, other hackers
on his machine, the MSIS department, dummy money, and the
new-girl-in-the-operator's-room's husband.
Nobody else is so late to rise or to late to supper.
Nobody else gets so much fun out of old news files, loud
records, junk food and females. Nobody else can cram into
one half hour so many requests for restores, bulk chowning,
increased disk space, more processer time, faster CPUs and
a large chunk of unknown substance.
A hacker is a magical creature. You can kick him off your
terminal but you can't kick him off your neighbour's terminal.
You can get him out of your mind, but you can't get him out of the
batch queue. He's a bleary-eyed, syrup-voiced, fast-talking, bundle
of keystrokes.
But, when you are editing, with only the shattered pieces of working
code backed up, he can make you wish you'd saved sooner with the two
magic words:
SYSTEM CRASH!
──────────────────────────────
* IBM: Inferior But Marketable
english.111gristic,
-> #110, gristicTitle : The Wall 2
Original : The Wall
Group : Pink Floyd
Author : Nathan Torkington <gnat@kauri.vuw.ac.nz>
Intro :
Song :
"Another User in the Wall Part 1"
Root has flown across the ocean
Leaving just a memory
Coredumps from /bin ls
Root, what else did you leave for me?
Root, what'd'ja leave behind for me?!
All in all, you were just a pain in the ass,
All in all, we are all just pains in the ass.
"Another Brick in the Wall part 2"
{\lead}
We don't need no pull-down-menus
We don't need no rescaled fonts
No dark icons in the corner
Hackers, leave those Macs alone.
Hey! Hackers! Leave them Macs alone!
All in all it's just another WIMP up for sale
All in all you're just another WIMP up for the sale.
{\kids}
We don't need no fancy windows
We don't need no title bars
No MultiFinder in the startup
Hackers leave them Macs alone
Hey! Hackers! Leave them Macs alone!
All in all it's just another WIMP up for sale
All in all you're just another WIMP up for sale.
{\guitar}
"Another Brick In the Wall Part 3"
I don't need no mice around me
And I don't need no fonts to calm me.
I have seen the writing on the wall.
Don't think I need any WIMP at all.
No! Don't think I need any WIMP at all.
No! Don't think I'll need any WIMP at all.
All in all it was all just bricks in the wall.
All in all you were all just bricks in the wall.
──────────────────────────────
* IBM: Installed By Masochists
english.112gristic,
-> #111, gristicTitle : VAX Raphosdy
Original : Bohemian Rhapsody
Group : Queen
Author : Russell Street <russells@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz>
Intro :
Song :
VAX Raphosdy
------------
Is this the real login:?
Is it a trap?
Caught on a terminal
No escape from the committee
Open your mail
Look up to the skies
And see...
I'm just a poor hacker,
I need no sympathy
Because I'm easy come, easy go
Little high, little low
Hit me where the wind blows,
Doesn't really matter to me, to me
Momma, just killed a VAX
Type a command into the shell,
Hit RETURN, now it's dead
Momma, my account had just begun
And now I've gone and thrown it all away
Momma, didn't mean to make you crash
If I'm not back on this time tomorrow
Hack on, hack on as if nothing really matters
Too late -- my time has come
Sent shivers down my spine
Bodies aching all the time
Goodbye everybody, I've got to go
Got to leave you all behind and face the truth
Momma, (every way the wind blows)
I don't wanna kicked off,
I sometimes wish I'd never logged on at all
...
───────────────────────────────────────────────
* IBM: Intergalactic Brotherhood of Muthaf**kas
english.113gristic,
-> #106, gristic
Title: My Favorite Klingons (some Star Trek synopses)
Author: Warren Siegel
_______________________________________________________________________
STAR TREK: THE MACINTOSH GENERATION
_______________________________________________________________________
ENCOUNTER AT GUNPOINT
Picard saves a big jellyfish.
GET NAKED NOW
After both get drunk, Jean gets Lucky with Beverly. Data, interested in
learning human behavior, follows his example.
COAT OF HONOR
Yar beats up a king who gets out of line with her. This fails to
discourage him, so she beats up his wife, who then divorces him.
HAVEN
In this episode it is revealed that Christine Chapel is really Deanna
Troi's mother (which would make Gene Roddenberry Deanna's father).
Troi is forced into a prearranged marriage, but tries to avoid it by
challenging Kirk to a duel. Meanwhile, her fiance dumps her for a leper.
WHERE CAPTAIN KIRK HAS GONE BEFORE
Picard gives Wesley the keys to the ship, and he gets in an accident.
THE LOST OUTPOST
The first encounter with the Ferengi, a race who drink way too much
coffee. On an alien planet the crew of Enterprise discovers some
Japanese who still think WWII isn't over.
LONELY AMONG US
While on a mission to the movie planet Paramount, the Enterprise is
invaded by a super-intelligent cloud that kills the Captain. Fortunately,
the crew discovers they can bring dead people back to life with the
transporter, which they unfortunately forget by the next episode.
JUST US
Wesley visits a planet, and the people there want to kill him, too.
THE BATTLE
The Ferengi give Picard a headache. Picard tries to destroy the
Enterprise with the Picard Maneuver, but Data stops him with the Data
Maneuver. Riker saves the Captain with the Heimlich Maneuver.
HIDE AND Q
Q returns and makes Riker a member of the Q Continuum. Riker then
offers to satify the crew's wildest dreams, but they decide to keep him
instead.
TOO SHORT A SEASON
Another writer's strike forces the Enterprise to suffer a boring script.
THE BIG GOODBYE
Picard outsmarts a hologram.
DATA'S SORE
Data beats up Worf, takes over the Enterprise, and blames it all on his
brother.
ANGEL WON
Riker is marooned on a planet run by women. They kick him off.
11001001
Riker finds this phone number on the bathroom wall, then discovers his
blind date is a hologram. Meanwhile, some shy robots take over the
Enterprise.
HOME SOIL
The Enterprise just barely manages to defeat some guys a billion times
smaller than they are, but what do you expect from a bunch of ugly
bags of mostly water?
WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS
Aliens kidnap Wesley for ransom. After a couple of hours, they agree to
pay Picard to take him off their hands.
COMING OF AGE
Wesley flunks his Starfleet Academy entrance exam because he's only
smart enough to save the Enterprise and not the entire galaxy. As part
of the exam, the examiners trick Wesley into thinking he let somebody
die. (Wait'll he sees what Academy hazing is like.)
HARD OF GLORY
Klingons try to destroy the Enterprise out of nostalgia, but Worf kills
them to teach them what honor is really all about. (Good thing Worf
never saw any episodes from the old series.)
THE ARSENAL OF FREEDOM
The crew of the Enterprise discover a planet where all TV programming
consists entirely of commercials, and replace it with old Star Trek
reruns.
SKIN OF EVIL
The Enterprise is attacked by a being of pure acne.
SYMBIOSIS
The Entrerprise discovers a solar system with a planet where
everybody believes that a drug they're addicted to is actually a cure for
something. Right next to it is a planet where everybody believes
tobacco is totally harmless and tastes good, and another planet where
everybody believes everything the NRA tells them.
WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE PARROTS
Captain Picard invites his old girl-friend aboard, but before she can
make her move, Beverly crushes her.
CONSPIRACY
Starfleet Command is invaded by those yucky things from Star Trek II,
but now they go in through the mouth instead of the ear. (I hate to
think where they'll enter next time.)
THE NEUTRAL ZONE
Picard learns that fresh is better than frozen. The Borg invade the
Federation, but forget all about it and go back home.
____________
THE CHILD
(No, not Wesley.) Troi finally gets pregnant, but can't remember who
the father is because she slept through the whole thing. (Troi: "I
feel...?") Picard calls a meeting to decide what to do (Picard: "Who did
it?" Riker: "Don't look at me!" Worf: "Kill it!"), but before he can
make up his mind, the kid grows up, leaves home, graduates from
college, and gets his own starship.
WHERE SILENCE HAS LEASE
The Entrerprise is attacked by the alien super-intelligence Hava Nagila
who, like most alien super-intelligences, is too stupid to know how to
ask questions, and so does experiments on them instead. He learns
that the concept of curved space drives Klingons crazy.
ELEMENTARY, DEAR DATA
The most intelligent member of the crew turns out to be a hologram.
To save his own job, Picard turns him off.
THE OUTRAGEOUS ARCHON
Data tries to learn to become a comic, but discovers that he was
already funny to start with.
THE SCHIZOID MAN
Data beats up Picard and blames it on his grandfather.
LOUS AS A WHISPER
A deaf mediator finds he can no longer function when someone
removes the banana from his ear.
UNNATURAL SELECTION
The Enterprise discovers some children that everybody is allergic to.
Pulaski gets cured by the transporter but, as usual, everybody forgets
this medical breakthrough by the next episode.
ANTI-MATTER OF HONOR
Picard tries the Tribble Maneuver with Riker, but the Klingons give him
right back.
THE MEASURE OF A MAN
Data teaches the rest of the crew the Metric System.
THE DOLPHIN
Wesley finds he's no Kirk when he dates a marine mammal. Her mother
gets mad and beats up Worf.
CONTAGION
A computer virus invades the Enterprise. It takes Geordi the whole
episode to remember the backup tapes and to reboot.
THE ROYALE
Data can cheat at gambling even better than Kirk, since he doesn't have
to make up his own games.
TIME SQUARED
Picard commits suicide.
THE ICARUS FACTOR
Worf finally has his Bar Mitzvah.
PEN PALS
Data wants to save a planet from utter annihilation, but nobody can
agree whether it's OK because they all learned the Prime Directive from
watching episodes of the old show instead of reading their Starfleet
Manuals. (Too bad Saavik wasn't around.) Data takes things into his
own hands, and the Captain changes his mind and decides not to stop
him after he hears what a cute little voice Data's alien girl friend has.
Q YOU
Q introduces the Enterprise to the Borg, a race whose main interest is
shopping. Q saves the Enterprise when the Borg threaten to turn it into
a mall.
SAMARITAN SNARE
The Entrerprise is attacked by an inferior intelligence.
UP THE WRONG LADDER
Riker is about to have a clone, so he decides to have an abortion.
Pulaski agrees.
MANHUNT
Lwaxana dumps Gene for Jean. Then she discovers that holograms
are not only more intelligent than humans, but better lovers.
THE EMISSARY
A female Klingon shows Worf the "Kick Me" sign he's been wearing for
the past two seasons, so he asks her to marry him and become a
houseKlingon, but she chooses her career instead.
PEAK PERFORMANCE
Riker fianlly gets his own ship, but he blows it up, so the Enterprise has
to take him back.
SHADES OF GRAY
We finally learn the meaning of "partly new episode".
___________
THE LIEUTENANTS OF COMMANDER
A radioactive woman falls in love with Data, but he has no feelings for
her. (If she only knew he was fully functional...)
REVOLUTION
Wesley accidentally invents a doomsday device, the nanoo-nanoo.
Picard surrenders, but they agree to leave the Enterprise when he
gives them a planet to conquer. Unfortunately, it turns out to be the
same one Kirk already gave to Khan.
THE SURVIVORS
Picard harasses a lonely old man, but leaves him alone after he finds
out he committed genocide.
HOW MUCH WATCH WOULD A WATCHER WATCH
Some Vulcanoids mistake the Captain for "The Donald", in response to
which he surrenders to them.
THE BONDING
Worf finally finds someone too small to beat him up, and they become
instant friends. The boy's (no, not Wesley's) mother disapproves of the
arrangement.
BOOBY TRAP
Troi's new dress is so tight she can't move. While experimenting
on the holodeck with Princess Leia, Geordi discovers a way to free her.
THE ENEMA
Geordi loses his glasses and white contact lenses after a Romulan
shows him where he can put them.
THE PRICE
Troi falls in love with a visitor who is half betazoid, half creepazoid.
THE VENGEANCE FACTOR
A hundred-year-old woman falls in love with Riker, so he blasts her to
smithereens.
THE DEFECTIVE
Data kisses up to Picard by learning some Shakespeare. A Romulan
traitor tries to help the Federation by lying and being generally
obnoxious, but his fellow planetpersons turn out to be better at it then
he is, being well trained at dishonor. (Too bad they didn't watch the old
series.)
THE HUNTER
A pacifist killer makes fools out of the Enterprise crew.
THE HIGH GROUND
Another contemporary story told from a contemporary point of view
with a contemporary conclusion, but with futuristic props.
DATA Q
Q is kicked out of the Q Continuum, who exile him to the Enterprise and
take away all his powers except whining.
A MATTER OF PERSPECTIVE
In a trial, Troi can't tell who's lying. What happened to those good-old
lie detectors they had in the original series?
YESTERDAY'S ENTERPRISE
In an alternate timeline, there is a TV show called "Star Trek" where the
Enterprise blasts enemy ships to bits every week, the Captain never
surrenders, there is no Counselor, and the Klingons are bad guys. This is
one episode of that program, obtained through a black hole. There was
a minor bit of editing, however, including changing the Captain's name
from "Kirk" to "Picard."
THE LOOSE SPRING
Data's daughter makes a pass at Riker, who flees in terror. Another
robot confuses itself to death, but Kirk was nowhere in sight.
SONS OF THE FATHER
Worf's brother treats him like an ass ('cause that's the Klingon way),
then asks for his help. Worf saves his home planet, for which they
disown him. ("Being a Klingon means never having to say you're sorry.")
ALLEGIANCE
Alien's replace Picard with an imitation whose only flaw is that he isn't
so stuck-up.
CAPTAIN'S HOLIDAY
The further adventures of that famous archeologist, Indiana Jean.
THIN MAN
These are the voyages of the warbird Tomahawk. Its five-year
mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new
civilizations, and to kill them.
HOLLOW PURSUITS
The aw-A Team learns that one of its members has a problem.
(Worf: "I pity the poor fool that messes with the holodeck!")
THE MOST BOYS
A strange alien who collects baseball players decides Data would make
a great center fielder.
SORRY
Spock's father tuns out to be a bigger nag than Troi's mother. Beverly
finally smacks Wesley.
MANAGE A TROI
Lwaxana meets her match in a Ferengi (or is that "Ferengus"?) who's as
desperate as she is. She escapes by threatening to bring the rest of
Gene's relatives on as guest stars every year.
TRANSFIGURATIONS
Jesus visits the Enterprise.
THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS
The alien tanker Mega Borg returns and threatens to oil slick the entire
galaxy. Riker answers that age-old riddle, "How do you keep a Trekkie
in suspense for three months?"
──────────────────────────────────
* IBM: Italian Branch of the Mafia
english.114gristic,
From: sfn20715@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu
Subject: Hitler's Rap
The following is blantantly stolen from Mel Brooks. In the real version,
he break-dances with sexy SS cadetts.
--------8<-----------------------------------8<--------------
Well hi there people, you know me,
I used to run a little joint called Joimany.
I was number one, the people's choice,
and eveybody listened to mah mighty voice!
My name is Adolph, I'm on the mike,
I'm gonna hip ya to the story,
of the new third Reich.
It all began down in Munich town
and pretty soon the word started gettin around.
So I said to Martin Boehmann, I said "Hey Marty!
Why dont we throw a little Nazi party?"
So we had an election,
well kinda sorta,
and before you knew it,
Hello, new Order!
To all the little muddars in the fadder land,
I said "Achtung, baby!" I got me a plan.
Dey said "What you got, Adolph, What you gonna do?"
I said "How about this one, World War Two!"
I said "Heil, Heil! Siegity Heil!"
I'm gonna stick it unto em, sinbolic style.
I drunk wine on the Rhine with the finest ladies,
then did it in the back of my black Mercedes.
With your boots in black and your shirt in brown,
get back Jack, you can't get down!
Soon all the little countries they began to fall,
Ya better believe, we was havin a ball.
Denmark, Belgium, France, and Poland,
da troops were rockin and the tanks were rollin!
We was on a roll, we couldn't loose,
then came D-Day, the birth of the blues.
People all around me started swallowing pills,
lets face it folks, we was goin down the hill.
So I grabbed a blonde, and a case of beer,
and said "The Russians are comin,
lets get out of here!"
So you say I had a poor demeanor,
got me a one-way ticket to Argentina*.
-----------
* For those of you not in the know, Hitler is 100 years old and living
in the mountains of Argentina (Just read the Enquirier! :-) )
I think this is pretty close to the real version. Email me if you think
otherwise. If you happen to find this offensive, thats your problem!
Extra strength asbestos nuclear powered flame shield: ON.
─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────
* "You're all just a bunch of happy campers!" Dan Quayle.
english.115gristic,
-> #113, gristicSezamTrek
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS II
Picard tries to lull the Borg to sleep but it works on the viewer
instead.
FAMILY
w8[žX.VVküŢąĐíüĐíĽüÁň═ĐĽ╔ňüŻÖüíą═üŇ╣ŹŠĽüůŹĐŇůŠŠňü뼹╣Łüíą═ü╣Ľ┴íĽŢ╣5
BROTHERS
Brent Spiner complains once too often about his Data makeup.
SUDDENLY HUMAN
The writers actually intended to make the crew look stupid this time.
REMEMBER ME
Wesley almost kills his mother.
PURGATORY
The enterprise crew investigates why their worst episodes are the first
to get rerun.
REUNION
Picard has the opportunity to decide who leads the Klingon Empire. It
takes a whole hour to flip the coin.
FUTURE IMPERFECT
Riker dreams he's Captain.
FINAL MISSION
It's a lie! Wesley's back next season!
THE LOSS
Troi considers leaving the program so she has fans vote as to whether or
not she should stay. It was close.
DATA'S DAY
We take a closer look at Data, just in case you thought he was smarter
than the others.
THE WOUNDED
O'Brien beams aboard some Cardassians ("Widest possible dispersion,
Sir?").
DEVIL'S DUE
Patrick Stewart fins he can't overact enough to be Kirk.
CLUES
Picard is bothered by continuity errors despite the fact that they never
bothered Kirk.
CLOSE CONTACT
Riker is seduced by Lilith.
GALAXY'S CHILD
Geordi is caught with his pants down on the holodeck.
NIGHT TERRORS
"OOOH! THE PAIN! PLEASE, NO MORE!" Can't argue with that.
IDENTITY CRISIS
Geordi learns he's going to vanish so he renegotiates his contract.
THE NTH DEGREE
What you get after 3n years of university.
CUPIE
Q turns the crew into little dolls.
THE NUMBHEAD
Worf tries to get Picard court martialed and then blames it on an
Admiral.
HALF A LIFE
A story about creatures who normally live for TWO hours.
THE HOST
Dr. Crusher falls in love with Bob Barker.
THE MINDS EYE
Geordi tries to kill a Klingon and then blames it on the Romulans.
IN THEORY
Data discovers he's not fully functional after all.
REDEMPTION
Viewers finally get to see a NG Klingon ship go BOOM. Data threatens to
turn off life support in an effort to maintain his command.
DARN MUCK
Picard steps in something.
ENSIGN RO
Prologue to the new series, ``Star Trek: We're in Deep Shit Now!"
AW, MA, DON' 'AVE A COW!
Data reveals that he has stored Bart Simpson's memories.
DISASTER
The warranty on the ship expires.
THE SHAME
A crew full of Starfleet officers is outwitted by Wesley and his new
girlfriend.
UNIFICATION
"This can't be a two parter! It's in the middle of the season!"
"Then where the hell is Spock?" Picard searches for Spock.
A MATTER OF TIME
Picard fries phasers at a planet of masochists. They thank him.
NEW GROUND
Worf, after getting beaten up by everyone else, faces off against a two
year old boy.
HERO WORSHIP
A young boy decides he has no more feeling or passion than the script
does.
VIOLATIONS
Troi, Riker, Beverly and the viewers all fall into comas.
THE MASTERPIECE SOCIETY
The enterprise encounters a society where artists have no common sense
and scientists have no imagination.
CORNY AND DUMB
The crew can't remember who they are. The viewers would rather forget.
POWER PLAY
Troi, Data and O'Brien try to take over the Enterprise and then blame
it on ghosts.
ETHICS
Worf is told by Beverly that he'll have to give up his dream of being
a ballet dancer.
THE OUTCAST
The Enterprise visits the lesbian planet.
CAUSE AND FX
The crew experiences deja vu. Finally, they realise that it's a rerun.
THE FIRST DUTY
Wesley actually manages to accidentally kill somebody this time and then
lies about thereby proving that he's grown up.
WASTE OF FILM
It has been experimentally demonstrated that not only do unborn children
have a rudimentary intelligence but that this episode is sufficient to
insult it.
THE PERFECT SHOW
If you're into sexist male fantasies (and aren't we all?).
IMAGINARY FRIEND
A real girl with an imaginary friend makes for a complex relationship.
I, BORG
You, Jean.
THE NEXT PHASE
Geordi and Ro find they're made for each other.
INNER BLIGHT
Picard gets shot by an alien probe so naturally they wait and see what
happens.
TIME'S ARROW
Is not a relevant concept in the Star Trek universe.
REALM OF FEAR
Apparently, Barclay is the only one who knows enough quantum mechanics
to be suspicious of the transporter.
DORIAN OF THE GRAY
Marina proves that she's only there for her looks by playing a role
originally written for a painting.
RELICS
Scotty returns to save the day so the crew sets him adrift in a
shuttlecraft.
SCHISMS
Picard and Geordi give the viewer a lecture on subspace.
TRUE Q
An adolescent Q realises that she can have anything she wants and goes
after Riker. Apparently there's no accounting for taste.
─────────────────────────────────
* IBM: Intshala Bacara Malesh [7]
english.116niklaus,
-> #89, gristic(:> We gotta help these mindless E.E.'s...
!!!
Šta je pisac hteo da kaže? Eastern Europeans? (grrrr...)
(: Sean :)
english.118paki,
-> #115, gristic> SezamTrek
> FAMILY
>
> w8[žX.VVkčŢąĐíčĐíĽčÁň═ĐĽ╔ňčŻĐčíą═čŇ╣ŹŠĽčůŹĐŇůŠŠňč뼹╣Łčíą═č╣Ľ┴íĽŢ╣5
Ova epizoda bi onda trebala da nosi naslov 'ĆIRILICA'.