english.120gristic,
I was going through my old files and found this jewel that was posted
about two years ago by the wharf rat.
In response to the recent spate of rodent-recipes, I offer
the following as an example of true haut' cuisine:
How to Cook a Berkeley Student
Ingredients:
One large or two small Berkeley Students.
Ketchup.
2 large cloves garlic.
Crisco or other solid vegetable shortening.(Lard may be substituted).
1 keg cheap beer.
1 lb. alfalfa sprouts.
2 lbs. assorted health foods, such as tofu or yogurt.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
First, catch a Berkeley Student. Remove the tail and horns.
Carefully seperate the large ego and reserve for sauce. Remove any
pencils, calculators, slide rules, or illegal drugs and discard.
Clean the Student as you would squid, but do not seperate the tentacles from
the body. If you have an older Student, such as a Graduate Student in Math ,
you may wish to tenderize by pounding the Student on a rock with a surfboard
or other flat heavy object.
Next, pour 1/2 of the keg of beer into a bath-tub and soak the
Student in the beer for at least 12 hours. (If your Student belonged
to a fraternity you may skip this step.) When the Student is sufficiently
soaked, remove any clothes the Student may be wearing and rub it all over
with the garlic. Then cover the Student with Crisco, using a slow circular
motion, and taking care to cover every inch of the Student's body with
the shortening. If it looks like fun, you may also cover your own body
with Crisco. Be sure to remove your clothes first, if you do.
Now post a request for Rogue source to net.general. Be sure
to ask what "S.O." and "M.O.T.A.S." mean. Post at least 3 copies
of this to ensure adequate flames for cooking your Student. When the
flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your Student on top
of your terminal until it's well tanned and the hair turns bleached blond.
Be careful not to overcook, or the Berkeley Student may become radical.
Make a sauce by combining the previously reserved ego, the alfafa sprouts,
and ketchup to taste using cat(1) (see note). Redirect the output to your
blender and puree' until smooth. Slice the Berkeley Student as you would any
turkey, and serve accompanied by the assorted health foods and the remaining
beer.
Yum!,Yum!,
the wharf rat
note: use this command to make the sauce:
cat ego sprouts ketchup >blender |puree
─────────────────────────────────────
* IBM: Intercourse Beats Masturbation
english.121gristic,
Q: How do you play Yugoslavian monopoly?
A: Rip the board in half and throw hotels at each other.
─────────────────────────────────────────────
* Eat crap! 10 trillion flies can't be wrong.
english.122gristic,
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o
if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear
from you.
Love,
Your $on.
══════════════════════════════════
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh for to
keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of
kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
───────────────────────────────────────────────────────────
* $$$ not found -- A)bort, R)efinance, D)eclare bankruptcy
english.123darone,
Q: What do an envelope and a girl from Brighton have in common?
A: They both need a good lick to shut them up.
english.124skrajnalic,
WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN...
============================================================================
1. You can enjoy a beer every day of the month.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
4. Your beer is always waiting patiently for you while you are working.
5. When the beer goes flat, you toss it.
6. A beer is never late.
7. Hangovers disappear by themselves.
8. Your beer doesn't get jealous when you try a new one.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. A beer never has a headache.
11. You do not have to invite your beer for expensive dinners.
12. When you go to the town, you always know, that you can get a beer.
13. When you finish a beer, the bottle is still money worth.
14. A beer never gets crazy when you come home smelling of beer.
15. If you poor a beer right, you'll always get good head.
16. You can enjoy more than one beer per night without bad complications.
17. A beer always goes down easy.
18. You can share a beer with your friends.
19. You always know, that when you open a beer, you are the first.
20. A beer is always wet.
21. A beer never requires equal rights.
22. You can enjoy a beer in public.
23. A beer doesn't care about when you come home and will wait forever.
24. A frigid beer is a good beer.
25. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
english.125ognjen,
Ljudovi, jel' se neko seca one pesme:
Fuck is good,
Fuck is funny,
many people
fuck for money...
:) Zaboravio sam kako ide, pa neka neka dobra dusa posalje...
english.126dcolak,
-> #125, ognjen│ Fuck is good,
│ Fuck is funny,
│ many people
│ fuck for money...
Fuck yourself,
save your money ... :)
Sledge DAMMIR!
english.127peca.st,
-> #125, ognjen!-> Fuck is good,
!-> Fuck is funny,
!-> many people
!-> fuck for money...
Fuck is good, fuck is funny,
everybody fuck for money.
If you think the fuck is funny
fuck yourself and save the money.
Peđa.
english.128dejanr,
If an O/S Ran Your Airline
DOS Airline:
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they
jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground
again, then they push again, jump on again and so on.
DOS with QEMM Airline:
The same thing - with more leg room to push.
MAC Airline:
All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers,
and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk the
same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are
told you don't need to know, don't want to know, and that
everything will be done for you without you having to know,
so just shut up.
OS/2 Airline:
To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten
different times by standing in ten different lines. Then
you fill out a form showing where you want to sit and
whether the plane should look and feel like an ocean liner,
a passenger train, or a bus. If you succeed in getting on
board the plane and the plane succeeds in getting off the
ground, you have a wonderful trip...
except for the times when the rudder and flaps get frozen in
position, in which case you have time to say your prayers
and get in crash position.
Windows Airline:
The airport terminal is nice and colorful, with friendly
stewards and stewardesses, easy access to the plane, and a
completely uneventful takeoff...then, once in the air, the
plane blows up without any warning whatsoever.
Win NT Airline:
Everyone marches out on the runway, says the password in
unison, and forms the outline of an airplane. Then they all
sit down and make a whooshing sound like they're flying.
Unix Airline:
Everyone brings one piece of the plane with them when they
come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put
the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about
what kind of plane they're building.
Mach Airline:
There is no airplane. The passengers gather and shout for
an airplane, then wait and wait and wait and wait. A bunch
of people come, each carrying one piece of the plane with
them. These people all go out on the runway and put the
plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what
kind of plane they're building. The plane finally takes
off, leaving the passengers on the ground waiting and
waiting and waiting and waiting. After the plane lands, the
pilot telephones the passengers at the departing airport to
inform them they have arrived.
Newton Airline:
After buying your tickets 18 months in advance, you finally
get to board the plane. Upon boarding the plane, you are
asked for your name. After 4-6 times, the crew member
recognizes your name and you are then allowed to take your
seat. As you are getting ready to take your eat, the
steward announces that you will have to repeat the boarding
process because they are out of room and need to recount to
make sure they can take more passengers.
english.129darone,
Javio se ssokorac iz Kanade :) Možete mu pisati na
stanislav.sokorac@canrem.com
A evo i viceva direktli:
=========================
30917 Za darone Nije pročitano.
Od postmast 11.03.94. 06:12 2599 chr
---------------------------------------------------
From moumee.uucp!canrem.com!stanislav.sokorac Fri, 11 Mar 1994 06:12:41 CET rem
ote from fon
(...)
Hi! :)
Zaboravio sam da ti posaljem moj prilog za vic meseca :). Nemam pojma
da li ste ga imali na Sezamu ali je mnogo dobar :).
The Sex Life of an Electron
One night when his charge was at full capacity, Micro Farad
decided to get a cute little coil to discharge him. He picked up
Millie Amp and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode
across the Wheatstone bridge, around the Sine Wave, and into the
magnetic field next to the flowing current.
Micro Farad attracted by Millie's characteristic curve, soon
had her field fully excited. He laid her on the ground
potential, raised her frequency, lowered her resistance, and
pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it in parallel
and began to short circuit her shunt. Fully excited, Millie
cried out, "Ohm. Ohm! Give me ohm!"
With his tube at maximum output and her coil vibrating from
the current flow, her shunt soon reached maximum heat. The
excessive current had shorted her shunt, and Micro's capacity was
rapidly discharged, and every electron was drained off. They
fluxed all night trying various connections and hookings until
his bar magnet had lost all of its strength, and he could no
longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field.
With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his
tickler, so they ended up reversing polarity and blowing each
others' fuses.
The End
I jedan Star-Trek tag za kraj :).
>>> We...are...Microsoft...You...will...be...assimilated...
Pozdrav, Stasha.
-------------------------------------------30917---
english.132gristic,
Ę
TROUBLESHOOTING FLOWCHART
┌───────────┐
│ START │
└─────┬─────┘
│
│
┌────────V─────────┐
YES │ DOES │ NO
┌───────────┤ THE DAMN THING ├────────────┐
│ │ WORK │ │
│ └──────────────────┘ │
┌────V────┐ ┌─────V───┐
│ DON'T │ │ DID YOU │ NO
│ FUCK │ │ FUCK ├─────┐
│ WITH IT │ │ WITH IT │ │
└────┬────┘ └─────┬───┘ │
│ │ │
│ YES │ │
│ │ │
│ │ │
│ ┌────────┐ ┌─────V────┐ │
│ ┌──────┐ NO │ DOES │ │ YOU │ │
│ │ HIDE │<<─────┤ ANYONE │<<───────┤ DUMBSHIT │ │
│ │ IT │ │ KNOW │ └──────────┘ │
│ └───┬──┘ └────┬───┘ │
│ │ │ │
│ │ YES │ ┌──────────V─┐
│ │ │ YES │ WILL YOU │
│ │ │<<────────────────│ CATCH HELL │
│ │ │ └──────┬─────┘
│ │ │ │
│ │ ┌─────V────┐ │ NO
│ │ │ YOU POOR │ │
│ │ │ BASTARD │ │
│ │ └─────┬────┘ │
│ │ │ │
│ │ │ │
│ │ ┌───V──┐ ┌──────V─────┐
└─────>>V─────────>>│ STOP │<<─────────────┤ SHITCAN IT │
└──────┘ └────────────┘
─────────────────────────
* IBM: Idolized By Morons
english.133gristic,
THE LOGINATAKA
(Dialogue between a Guru and a Newbie)
Speak, O Guru: How can I become a UNIX Wizard?
O, Nobly Born: know that the Way to Wizardhood is long, and winding,
and fraught with Peril. Thou must Attune thyself with the Source,
attaining the arcane Knowledge and Conversation of the System Libraries
and Internals.
Speak, O Guru: What books should I study? Are the O'Reilly "Nutshell"
guides a good place to start?
O, Nobly Born: know that the O'Reilly books are but the palest shadow, the
outermost Portal of the True Enlightenment.
If thou desirest with True Desire to tread the Path of Wizardly Wisdom, first
learn the elementary Postures of Kernighan & Pike's _The_Unix_Programming_
Environment_; then, absorb the mantic puissance of March Rochkind's _Advanced_
Unix_Programming_. Immerse thyself, then, in the Pure Light of Maurice J.
Bach's _The_Design_Of_The_UNIX_Operating_System_. Neglect not the Berkelian
Way; study also _The_Design_Of_The_4.3BSD_UNIX_Operating System_ by Samuel
Leffler, Kirk McKusick et. al. Consider also the dark Wisdom to be gained from
contemplation of the dread _Portable_C_And_UNIX_Systems_Programming_, e'en
though it hath flowed from the keyboard of the mad and doomed Malvernite whom
the world of unknowing Man misnames "J. E. Lapin".
These tomes shall instruct thy Left Brain in the Nature of the UNIX System;
to feed the other half of thy head, O Nobly Born, embrace also the Lore
of its Nurture. Don Libes's and Sandy Ressler's _Life_With_UNIX_ will
set thy Feet unerringly upon that Path; take as thy Travelling Companion
the erratic but illuminating compendium called _The_New_Hacker's_Dictionary_
(Eric S. Raymond, ed., with Guy L. Steele Jr.).
(In this wise shalt thou travel the Way of the Camel.)
Speak, O Guru: To attain Mastery, how many Kernels do I need to take apart
and reassemble?
O Nobly Born: this question reveals that indeed thou hast touched upon an
Ineffable Truth about UNIX --- that thou canst not Plumb its Mysteries by
mere Study but must become One with it through Practice. The true Way to the
Knowledge of the Source is not the timid and footling way of the Student,
but the Divine Foolery of the Hacker. Hack, then; strive against Mighty
Problems, have joy in thy Striving, and let the Crashes fall where they
may (maintaining the while, for the Good of thy Karma, a Rigorous Backup
Policy).
(In this wise shalt thou travel the Way of the Lion.)
In this day of Boot-Time Autoconfiguration and Dynamically Loadable Device
Drivers, reassembling a Kernel is no longer the daunting Test and Seal of
Mastery that it once was. However, writing and verifying thine own Device
Driver for some piece of Exotic Hardware is still a worthy challenge to
thy Budding Guruhood.
Speak, O Guru: Some there are who claim that the sole Path to Wizardry and the
proper Way of every Right-Thinking Hacker is to rewrite the UNIX Kernel from
Scratch. Is this not Sacrilege?
Sacrilege, O Nobly Born? Nay! Certainly the Source is the Inmost
Mystery of UNIX --- but there is a Mystery beyond that Mystery. The Nature
of UNIX inhereth not in any one version but in the Design Tradition of which
all UNIXes are Evolving Parts.
The Rite of the Rewrite is not the only Path to Mastery, but it is perhaps
the highest and most Sacred of all Paths. Few indeed are those who, travelling
it, have crossed the dark and yawning Abyss of Implementation to Delivery.
Many, yea, many in truth stagnate yet in the Desert of Delay, or linger ever
in the ghastly limbo called Perpetual Beta.
Speak, O Guru: What, then, is the True Path to Wizardhood?
O Nobly Born: learn, and seek within thyself. Cultivate the cunning of
the Serpent and the courage of the Tiger; sup deeply from the Wisdom of
those who came before thee. Hack, and hack again; grow, by trial and by
error. Post thy best hacks to the Net and gain in Repute thereby. Also, O
Nobly Born, be thou grave and courteous in thy speech; be helpful to those
less than thee, quick to ponder and slow to flame.
If thou dost these things faithfully, if thou travellest with high heart
and pure intention, soon shall thy callow Newbiehood be shed. By degrees
imperceptible to thyself shalt thou gain Power and Wisdom, striving and
doing all the while. Gradually shall thy puissance unfold and deepen.
O Nobly Born, if thou dost all these things, thy Wizardhood shall surely come
upon thee; but not of a sudden, and not until after thy arrogant Mind hath
more than half forgotten that such was its aim. For know this --- you may not
by thyself in Pride claim the Mantle of Wizardry; that way lies only Bogosity
without End.
Rather must you Become, and Become, and Become, until Hackers respect thy
Power, and other Wizards hail thee as a Brother in Wisdom, and you wake up and
realize that the Mantle hath lain unknown upon thy Shoulders since you knew
not when.
(In this wise shalt thou travel the Way of the Child.)
───────────────────────────
* IBM: It's Better Manually
english.134dvesic,
Evo malo testova ...
Unapred se izvinjavam ako su vec bili :)))
Za nas muske ...
=============================================================================
MALE PURITY TEST
Score one point for each question answered no.
Score may be called percent of purity.
Have you ever...
1. Experienced an erection?
2. Experienced an erection in the last three months?
3. Experienced an erection for more than one hour continuously?
4. Had a wet dream?
5. Had a date with a real live girl?
6. Had a date past 4:00 AM?
7. Had a date on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday of the same weekend?
8. Kissed a girl?
9. Kissed a girl in the last three months?
10. Kissed a girl while both of you were in the horizontal position?
11. Kissed a girl on the neck?
12. Kissed a girl on the first date?
13. French kissed a girl?
14. Nibbled on a girl's earlobe?
15. Danced with a girl?
16. Danced with a girl cheek to cheek?
17. Experienced an erection while dancing with a girl?
18. Had an ejaculation while dancing with a girl?
19. Necked continuously for more than fifteen minutes?
20. Necked continuously for more than two hours?
21. Pinched or patted a girl's buttocks?
22. Petted below the shoulders (not your own)?
23. Unfastened and removed a girl's bra?
24. Fondled the covered breast of a girl?
25. Fondled a girl's bare breast?
26. Fondled a girl's bare breast in the last three months?
27. Done No. 25 with a girl you picked up?
28. Done No. 25 with a girl who was unconcious or asleep?
29. Sucked the nipple of a human female subsequent to your weaning?
30. Done No. 29 in the last three months?
31. Put your hand under a girl's skirt?
32. Fingered and fondled a girl's vagina?
33. Done No. 32 in the last three months?
34. Done No. 32 on the first date with a girl?
35. Had your bare genitals fondled by a girl?
36. Had an ejaculation while petting or being petted?
37. Seen a completely nude woman in the flesh?
38. Undressed a girl completely?
39. Had a girl completely undress you?
40. Gone swimming with a nude girl?
41. Gone through the motions of sexual intercourse while fully clothed?
42. Been in bed since age 15 with a woman who was not more than 3 years
younger than yourself?
43. Told a girl you loved her while you did not?
44. Told meaningless promises of marriage in order to seduce a girl?
45. Fondled a girl less than 15 since you were 15?
46. Intentionally jostled a woman you have never seen before?
47. Discussed masturbation with a girl?
48. Masturbated in the last three months?
49. Masturbated at least once a week for the past three months?
50. Masturbated at least once a day for the past three months?
51. Told dirty jokes to, or been told by a girl?
52. Been arrested?
53. Read pornographic literature?
54. Seen a pornographic movie?
55. Seen a burlesque show?
56. Smoked a cigarette, cigar or pipe?
57. Had an alcoholic drink?
58. Barfed due to excessive consumption of alcohol?
59. Successfully used alcohol to lower a girl's resistance?
60. Passed out due to excessive consumption of alcohol?
61. Been propositioned by a homosexual or propositioned a man yourself?
62. Had your bare genitals fondled by a man (other than your doctor)?
63. Fondled the genitals of a man yourself?
64. Been in a serious fight since you were 15?
65. Used narcotics?
66. Attempted to seduce a girl?
67. Attempted to rape a girl?
68. Ejaculated into a girl's mouth?
69. ?
70. Had sexual intercourse?
71. Done No. 70 in the last three months?
72. Done No. 70 without a condom?
73. Done No. 70 with a virgin (not you)?
74. Done No. 70 during her menstruation?
75. Done No. 70 in a bed?
76. Done No. 70 in a car?
77. Done No. 70 in a dorm or frat?
78. Done No. 70 dog fashion (from behind)?
79. Done No. 70 Greek fashion (anal intercourse)?
80. Done No. 70 sitting up?
81. Done No. 70 on the first date?
82. Done No. 70 with a girl who was asleep or unconscious?
83. Done No. 70 with a girl of a different race?
84. Done No. 70 with a prostitute?
85. Done No. 70 with more than one girl?
86. Done No. 70 with more than five girls?
87. Done No. 70 with more than ten girls?
88. Done No. 70 with more than one girl on the same night?
89. Done No. 70 more than three times on the same night?
90. Done No. 70 more than ten times with one particular girl?
91. Ejaculated before an impending entry (messy, aren't you)?
92. Had venereal disease?
93. Been watched during intercourse by an impartial observer?
94. Cause a girl to become pregnant?
95. Committed statutory rape?
96. Committed forcible rape?
97. Committed zoophilia (screwed an animal)?
98. Committed adultery?
99. Committed incest?
100. Committed a felony other than those mentioned above
(as if they weren't enough)?
english.135dvesic,
Za devojke ... :)
==============================================================================
FEMALE PURITY TEST
Score one point for each question answered no.
Score may be called percent of purity.
Have you ever...
1. Menstruated? (If the answer to this one is no, try taking the men's test.)
2. Used a tampon?
3. Had a clitoral erection?
4. Had a date with a (real live) man?
5. Kissed a man?
6. Had a date past 4:00 AM?
7. Had a date Friday, Saturday, and Sunday of the same weekend?
8. Kissed a man in the last three months?
9. Kissed a man while you were in a horizontal position?
10. Kissed a man on the first date?
11. French kissed a man?
12. Ear frenched a (or by a) man?
13. Danced with a man?
14. Danced cheek to cheek with a man?
15. Necked continuously for more than fifteen minutes?
16. Necked continuously for more than two hours?
17. Lied to break a date?
18. Gone steady?
19. Petted below the shoulders?
20. Gone swimming with a man in the nude?
21. Bathed or showered with a man?
22. Had your bare breast fondled by a man?
23. Had a man fondle your bare breast?
24. Had a man remove your brassiere?
25. Done No. 23 in the last three months?
26. Worn falsies?
27. Had your bare breast fondled by a man who picked you up?
28. Had your nipple sucked by a man subsequent to his weaning?
29. Done No. 28 in the last three months?
30. Had a man's hand under your skirt?
31. Had your vagina fondled by a man?
32. Had a man fondle your vagina on the first date?
33. Had your vagina fondled in the last three months?
34. Been in bed since age 13 with a man not more than two years
older than yourself?
35. Gone through the motions of sexual intercourse while completely dressed?
36. Seen a completely nude man?
37. Been seen completely nude by a man?
38. Been completely undressed by a man?
39. Told a man you loved him when you didn't?
40. Had two dates on the same night with two different men?
41. Gone steady with two men at the same time?
42. Told or listened to dirty jokes in mixed company?
43. Read pronographic literature?
44. Seen a pornographic movie?
45. Seen a burlesque show?
46. Masturbated?
47. Discussed masturbation with a man?
48. Masturbated in the last three months?
49. Masturbated with foreign objects (e.g. coke bottle,
cylindrical slide rule, etc.)?
50. Masturbated while menstruating?
51. Reached a sexual climax?
52. Smoked a cigarette, cigar, pipe, or used chewing tobacco?
53. Been arrested?
54. Had an alcoholic drink?
55. Barfed due to excessive drinking?
56. Passed out due to excessive consumption of alcohol?
57. Used narcotics?
58. Been propositioned by a lesbian, or propositioned another woman?
59. Had a homosexual experience with another woman?
60. Had your bare genitals fondled by another woman?
61. Been the victim of (attempted) rape?
62. Been engaged?
63. Committed zooerastia (bestiality)?
64. Unbuckled a man's belt or unzipped a man's fly?
65. Undressed a man completely?
66. Fondled a man's bare genitals?
67. Sucked a penis (a man's)?
68. Participated in cunnilingus with a man?
69. ?
70. Had sexual intercourse?
71. Done No. 70 in the last three months?
72. Done No. 70 without a condom?
73. Done No. 70 with a virgin (him, not you)?
74. Done No. 70 during menstruation (yours)?
75. Done No. 70 in a bed?
76. Done No. 70 in a car?
77. Done No. 70 in a dorm or frat?
78. Done No. 70 dog fashion (from rear)?
79. Done No. 70 Greek fashion (anal intercourse)?
80. Done No. 70 sitting up?
81. Done No. 70 on the first date?
82. Done No. 70 with a man of a different race?
83. Done No. 70 with more than one man?
84. Done No. 70 with more than five men?
85. Done No. 70 with more than ten men?
86. Done No. 70 with more than one man on the same night?
87. Done No. 70 more than three times on the same night?
88. Done No. 70 more than ten times with one particular man
(or one that is not so particular)?
89. Taken money for sexual intercourse?
90. Been "employed" in a house of ill repute?
91. Been watched during sexual intercourse by an impartial observer?
92. Had venereal disease?
93. Become pregnant?
94. Had an abortion?
95. Had an illegitimate child?
96. Participated in a gang bang?
97. Committed statutory rape (oh yes, you can)?
98. Committed adultery?
99. Committed incest?
100.Committed a felony (other than the ones above)?
english.136dvesic,
I za sve nas ! :))
=============================================================================
The Unisex Experience Test
Score one point for each NO. In this section, 'someone' means a
member of the opposite sex.
1. Been sexually aroused?
2. Had an arousing dream?
3. Had an orgasm?
4. Kissed someone? (French kissed)
5. Kissed someone other than on the lips?
6. Slept with someone (just slept)?
7. Had a date past 4:00 AM?
8. Had a date Friday, Saturday, and Sunday of the same weekend?
9. Kissed someone while you were in the horizontal position?
10. Kissed someone on the first date?
11. Ear Frenched (or by) someone?
12. Necked continuously for more than 15 minutes?
13. Necked continuously for more than 2 hours?
14. Petted below the shoulders?
15. Slow danced with someone?
16. Had you or your partner have an orgasm while petting?
17. Exaggerated about your sexual experience?
18. Gone out with only one person for a while?
19. Gone swimming with someone in the nude?
20. Bathed or showered with someone?
21. Stuffed a bra or pants?
22. Picked someone up, or let someone pick you up?
;;; BEEN ON EITHER END OF THE FOLLOWING FIVE ITEMS:
23. Fondling a woman's covered breast?
24. Fondling a woman's bare breast?
25. Fondling the bare breast of a woman who was picked up?
26. Sucking a woman's nipple?
27. Pinching or patting the buttocks of a member of the opposite sex?
;;;; (CONTINUE NORMALLY:)
28. Fondled someone's covered genitals?
29. Had your covered genitals fondled?
30. Fondled someone's covered genitals on the first date?
31. Had your covered genitals fondled on the first date?
32. Fondled someone's bare genitals?
33. Had your bare genitals fondled?
34. Fondled someone's bare genitals on the first date?
35. Had your bare genitals fondled on the first date?
36. Gone through the motions of sexual intercourse with clothes on?
37. Gone through the motions of sex with clothes on on the first date?
38. Seen someone completely nude?
39. Been seen completely nude by someone?
40. Been with someone with both of you completely nude?
41. Told someone you loved them when you knew that you didn't?
42. Had two dates with two different people on the same night?
43. Gone steady with more than one person at the same time?
44. Done the above without them knowing about each other?
45. Told or listened to dirty jokes in mixed company?
46. Read pornographic literature?
47. Bought pornographic literature?
48. Bought sexual objects (like from a sex shop or mail order)?
49. Seen a pornographic movie?
50. Seen a burlesque show?
51. Masturbated?
52. Masturbated with any foreign object?
53. Masturbated somewhere where someone could have discovered you?
54. Masturbated while someone was watching?
55. Masturbated at least once a week for more than three months?
56. Masturbated at least once a day for more than one month?
57. Discussed masturbation?
58. Discussed masturbation with a member of the opposite sex?
;;;; DRUGS, ETC.
59. Been arrested?
60. Committed any felony not listed on this test?
61. Been convicted of a felony?
62. Smoked a cigarette, cigar, or pipe?
63. Smoked or eaten marijuana?
64. Had an alcoholic drink?
65. Been intoxicated?
66. Vomited due to excessive alcohol?
67. Passed out due to excessive alcohol?
68. Completely forgotten what happened while you were very drunk?
69. Bought any illegal drugs?
70. Sold any illegal drugs?
71. Taken stimulants (other than caffine)?
72. Taken depressants or pain-killers (Valium, Darvon, Phenobarb)?
73. Inhaled nitrous oxide?
74. Sniffed glue, or anything containing amyl or butyl nitrate?
75. Used any opiate in any form?
76. Used cocaine?
77. Injected any drug into your veins?
78. Taken PCP (angel dust)?
79. Done any of the above four items more than once?
80. Tripped (taken LSD or Psilocybin or Peyote)?
81. Tripped more than once?
82. Tripped more than five times?
83. Tripped more than ten times?
84. Had sex while tripping?
;;;;; SERIOUS SEX:
85. Been propositioned by someone?
86. Propositioned someone?
87. Given a back-rub with ulterior motives?
88. Fondled someone who was asleep?
89. Attempted to seduce someone?
90. Lied to someone in order to seduce them?
91. Been on either end of an attempted (or successful) rape?
92. Performed oral sex on someone?
93. Had oral sex performed on you?
94. Done both simultaneously (69)?
95. Performed mutual masturbation?
96. Maneuvered someone into bed with you somewhat against their will?
97. Successfully used any drug to lower someone's inhibition?
98. Had sexual intercourse?
99. Had sex without any form of birth control?
100. Had sex with a virgin?
101. Had sex with more than one virgin?
102. Had sex in a room other than a bedroom?
103. Had sex on a floor?
104. Had sex in a car?
105. Had sex dog fashion? (From behind)
106. Had sex on both top and bottom?
107. Had sex sitting up?
108. Had anal sex?
109. Had sex in any position other than those mentioned?
110. Had sex on the first date?
111. Had sex with more than one person?
112. Had sex with more than five people?
113. Had sex with more than ten people?
114. Had sex more than ten times with one person?
115. Had sex more than once in the same twenty-four hour period?
116. Had sex more than three times in the same twenty-four hour period?
117. Had sex more than five times in the same twenty-four hour period?
118. Had sex with someone a different race?
119. Had sex with more than one person within twenty-four hours?
120. Had sex while someone was watching?
121. Had sex out of doors?
122. Had sex in a place where you could be discovered?
123. Had sex for money, or paid for sex yourself?
124. Had sex for some other favor, or given some favor for sex?
125. Had sex with someone more than 5 years older or younger than you?
126. Had sex with someone more than 10 years older or younger than you?
127. Had sex with someone who had been married?
128. Been in a menage a trois? (Two on one)
129. Been or caused someone to be pregnant?
130. Had or caused someone to have an abortion?
131. Had or caused someone to have an illegitimate child?
132. Had venereal disease?
133. Had venereal disease more than once?
134. Transmitted venereal disease to someone?
135. Participated in a gang bang?
136. Been involved in the committing statutory rape?
137. Willingly committed incest?
138. Been involved in the committing of adultery?
139. Exposed yourself in public?
;;; HOMOSEXUAL:
;;; (This is a rather long section. Everything in this
;;; section is to be interpreted for homosexuality. This section
;;; continues until SERIOUSLY KINKY THINGS. In here, SOMEONE means
;;; a member of your own sex)
140. Kissed someone? (French kissed)
141. Kissed someone other than on the lips?
142. Fondled someone's covered genitals?
143. Had your covered genitals fondled?
144. Fondled someone's bare genitals?
145. Had your bare genitals fondled?
146. Held hands or otherwise displayed affection in public?
147. Been propositioned by someone?
148. Propositioned someone?
149. Fondled someone who was asleep?
150. Attempted to seduce someone?
151. Lied to someone in order to seduce them?
152. Been on either end of an attempted (or successful) rape?
153. Had you or your partner have an orgasm while petting?
154. Performed oral sex on someone?
155. Had oral sex performed on you?
156. Done both simultaneously (69)?
157. Maneuvered someone into bed with you somewhat against their will?
158. Successfully used any drug to lower someone's inhibition?
159. Imitated the motions of sexual intercourse?
(crotch to crotch or anal sex)
;;; Definition: For this section, SEX means any of the following
;;; Oral sex (either way), mutual masturbation, anal sex,
;;; crotch-to-crotch grinding, tongue-bathing.
160. Had sex with more than one person?
161. Had sex with more than five people?
162. Had sex with more than ten people?
163. Had sex more than ten times with one person?
164. Had sex more than once in the same twenty-four hour period?
165. Had sex more than three times in the same twenty-four hour period?
166. Had sex more than five times in the same twenty-four hour period?
167. Had sex with both sexes within twenty-four hours?
168. Been decidedly bisexual for a period of time?
169. Considered never being heterosexual again?
170. Had sex with someone a different race?
171. Had sex with more than one person within twenty-four hours?
172. Had sex while someone was watching?
173. Had sex out of doors?
174. Had sex in a place where you could be discovered?
175. Had sex for money, or paid for sex yourself?
176. Had sex for some other favor, or given some favor for sex?
177. Had sex with someone more than 5 years older or younger than you?
178. Had sex with someone more than 10 years older or younger than you?
179. Picked someone up, or let someone pick you up?
180. Gone through the motions of sexual intercourse with clothes on?
;;; SERIOUSLY KINKY THINGS:
;;; (If it isn't on here, subtract about ten points!)
181. Used food for masturbating with (alone counts also)?
182. Eaten it afterward?
183. Used a feather?
184. Used a nylon stocking, or something like (like for a rope-trick)?
185. Used a basket?
186. Worn a grope suit?
187. Used tacks and/or salt?
188. Used ropes or chains for bondage?
189. Used a whip or something similar for pain?
190. Fist-fucked?
191. Performed oral sex after intercourse (without washing)?
192. Inflicted pain or had pain inflicted during sex?
193. Drawn blood or had blood drawn by biting?
194. Been involved in cunnilingus during a woman's period?
195. Licked someone's anus?
196. Licked someone's anus while they were defecating?
197. Swallowed your partner's orgasmic secretion?
198. Drank someone else's (or your own) urine?
199. Drank blood?
200. Drank nasal mucous?
201. Kissed your partner after oral sex?
202. Put your hand in your mouth after masturbating?
203. Had oral sex in a moving car?
204. Had intercourse in a moving car?
205. Licked your partner's feet, or had your feet licked?
206. Been involved in oxygen-deprivation for sexual enhancement?
(This includes strangulation or covering face with pillow.)
207. Put any kind of food on yours or your partners body and ate it?
208. Had sex with an animal?
209. Had sex with an animal more than once?
210. Had sex with more than one kind of animal?
211. Performed oral sex on an animal?
212. Had sex with a small animal (dog, cat, chicken, duck, etc.)?
213. Played piano (or some other instrument), hacked computers,
watched TV, or something along these lines while having sex?
214. Made tapes of yourself having sex?
215. Been involved in nude picture-taking?
216. Been involved in group sex (four or more)?
217. Been involved in bisexual group sex?
218. Made intimate contact with two or more people at the same time?
219. Been in a group of more than ten people having sex?
220. Had sex with both a girl and her mother (at different times)?
221. Had sex with both a girl and her mother (at the same time)?
222. Had sex while skydiving?
223. Had sex on a commercial airline?
224. Done anything so extreme that it wasn't on here?
225. Done more than one such thing?
english.137vitez.koja,
-> #134, dvesic#=> 8. Kissed a girl?
Svašta, zapadna civilizacija... ovde je cmakanje redovna pojava... Dok,
međutim,...
#=> 13. French kissed a girl?
english.140wizard,
-> #138, dcolak> │#=> 13. French kissed a girl?
>
> Šta je ovo?
Francuz poljubio devojku.
Ne tako česta pojava kod nas, priznaćeš. ;)
english.145sfilip,
-> #143, sfilipEvo su vax treek (el mi se to cini il nedostaju epizode od 3. do 7. u
2 delu?
vax-trk.zipenglish.146maksa,
-> #141, dcolak>> Slažem se.. So, šta rade Srbi kad im ribe zatraže francuski
>> poljubac?
Kažu:
Srbin: Ne znam sestro šta ti je to, al' ja mogu da ti liznem pupak.
Riba: Lizneš pupak ? Pfff, jaka stvar ...
Srbin: Da, ali ja mogu da ga liznem iznutra ...
english.147ndragan,
-> #140, wizard/> │# => 13. French kissed a girl?
/ Francuz poljubio devojku.
Ameri misle da su Francuzi izmislili seks, samo što su dugo krili od
njih. Prevodi se sa 'krnuo joj jezik'. Glupanderi zaista misle (ušlo i u
zvanični govor, ne samo u žargon) da su Francuzi _i to_ izmislili.
Bue_ Ndragan
english.148markom,
-> #147, ndragan*** njih. Prevodi se sa 'krnuo joj jezik'. Glupanderi zaista misle (ušlo i u
*** zvanični govor, ne samo u žargon) da su Francuzi _i to_ izmislili.
Eh, ne znaju oni činjenice. To su NoRMaLno izmislili Srbi kao najstariji i ne-
beski narod :)
english.149rampa.g,
Ko kaze da sezamovci nisu poliglote: :))))))))))))))))
------------------------------------
Connected at 2400 bps - 30.03.Sre 21:01 - Node 4
vision -- vidim svi ste u chatu, pa evo i mene:)
mylos -- this is english speaking chat
ilazarevic -- this chat is for ENGLISH-USERS only
ilazarevic -- oooh, parler anglaise est trop fatiguant... ;)
obren -- ajde na latisnkom ako si mangup :)
mdave -- Tibi gratias agimus quod nihil fumas.
mylos -- ok comon on Latin !
mdave -- Epsum itim ornibus quad wizard pakut. :)
mylos -- ilazar, let's talk on real english ! ( american )
mdave -- Ornitum volat ilazarevic?
ilazarevic -- ja ne letim, ako je to bilo pitanje?
obren ** jel to stvarno nesto znaci? ;)
paki -- I speak only sign language :)
mylos -- i see that mdave is very well handling Latin language
ilazarevic -- sa'cu ja da drmnem latinski recnik, pa da mu kontriram
obren -- treba da uvedu na Sezamu poruke na latisnkom za njega :)
mylos -- they should
mdave -- mylos, Balaenae nobie conservandae sunt.
vision -- latin, Bljak. (I think so:)
ilazarevic -- unfortunately, i can't find no latin grammar in my desk
paki -- maintenant, j'apelle seulement Sezam...
mylos -- oui
ilazarevic -- mais pourquoi? BIX est tres ... tres... interesante
paki -- mais, dans l'future... qui sais?
ilazarevic -- je sais :)
paki -- je disait: Now I call only Sezam. But, in the future... who knows?
obren ** jel to stvarno razbijas latinski ili sajbas latinskolike reci?
mdave ** ma lupam ko blesav :))))
mdave -- Id imperfectum manet, obren, dum confectum erit.
mylos -- ok ok ok ok we know that you know Latin
obren -- Latet anguis in herba
mdave -- Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere chat!
obren -- oblicaerum non literate
mdave -- Orcu english etian, tibi vivere latin!!!
paki -- tamba lamba enibadi? ;)
obren -- enisttratibus non vivio menuspremum
mdave ** obavezno dodaj neko ime da ne lici na sentence
paki -- (Banovo Brdo Republic ;)
mdave -- Banovo Brdo, Summam scrutemur.
paki -- (local patriotism didn't kill anybody... yet! ;)
obren -- Con iterus mdave est magnificant
mdave ** jok, trebo si _uterus_ :))))
ilazarevic -- non, mais je veut aller a paris...
obren ** uglavnom dzoram slova i dodam us, are est i sl ;)
ilazarevic -- je veut=je veux, excusez-moi
paki -- oui, comme moi :(
mdave -- Speculum paki, cum mylos omnitorya esticant est :))))
ilazarevic -- not bad
obren -- quo retoricus est mylos viritas nostres
mylos -- boki, do you spak english ?
mdave -- non, obren, quo mylos est non nostres perforicum ! ;)
paki -- correct this part before posting this :)
vision -- Folks, why you are spending time in this kind of garbage (this chat
theme)Ę
mdave -- pegy, omnia est quad not delere? :)
pegy -- ?
ilazarevic -- when the two of you stop speakin' latin (while i can't find my
dictionnary), we'll stop englishing
mdave -- Orbis Latin chat est imperer!!! :)
obren ** svaka ti cast, ja ne mogu tako dobro da lupam :)))
pegy -- ?
ilazarevic -- never mind :)
obren ** sta cini latisnki ;)
vision -- You see, they go to put back on our back :)
paki -- srpski rulz ;>
mylos -- people who don't know languages.....they go to priv ;))
mdave -- jeah, ovaj, confirmat! :)
ilazarevic -- people who speak serbian aren't allowed to chat here with us ;)
obren -- .to mdave eristrant mea corpulus non vivere merum
ilazarevic -- confirmo, confirmare, prva konjugacija (i mi konja imamo ovde ;)
mdave -- confirmo se nije koristilo u obicnom razgovoru :)
obren ** znas da sam u pocetku msili da stvarno nesto pricas :))))
mdave -- Ornito cnenad malibus est? :)
ilazarevic -- malibus? opet moram da trazim recnik
paki -- mini-bus? ;)
mdave -- mdave, pro ernica < 2 MIN overe sum volat :(((((
ilazarevic -- :((( stetum est
mdave -- cus, lsls-um, comeus nextimus timer :)
obren -- menicus takoderum vremea istices
PS. Malo je cenzurisano.
english.150mikis,
Definition of a Twit
---------- -- - ----
This bulletin is based on a file downloaded from
Metro Shareware BBS in the USA
It does NOT necessarily reflect the opinions of this Sysop.
o Twits love DOWNLOADING. Uploading is for simpletons who can't tell
whether they are coming or going. If Twits designed modems, we'd all
have one which downloads at 18.2 K-Baud, and uploads at 300 baud.
If Twits wrote protocols,the smallest block they could receive would
be 10 megs.
o Twits can't READ or COUNT. This is evidenced by their total inability
to comprehend System Rules, or Upload/Download Ratio's. But, for some
strange reason, they can still use a computer.
Because of this handicap, most Twits are unemployed. It is a miracle
that most of them haven't been retained by the State to pick up trash
on the expressways. They'd gladly volunteer for it, if it could be
done with a modem and they were called "Remote-Trash Downloaders".
o Twits feel that the proper way to leave a board is to drop the carrier.
They do this because they don't want to waste their valuable time
exiting via the "Goodbye" command, when they could spend that time
calling another board.
o Twits NEVER leave messages, unless it is rude, crude, or socially
unacceptable. If an exception to this exists, it will probably be a
creative one-liner such as "Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".
Twits rarely reply to messages. Unless they enter a one-liner such as
the one above.
o Twits NEVER communicate with SysOps, unless it is to ask WHY such and
such file is unavailable, demand access to the "Private Area's", or
gripe about something. Mail from the SysOp is considered to be the
electronic equivalent of "Junk-Mail", and should be ignored. In fact,
there should be some form of law to stop it from being written.
o Twits NEVER pay for access to a computer system. They see themselves as
latter-day "Robin-Hoods", taking from the rich (SysOps) and giving to the
Poor (Themselves). Their motto: "If it isn't free, it isn't worth having."
o Twits NEED multiple user names and logon passwords on each board they call.
This is the measure of their Twit-dom, and reflects their true status in
the Twit-community. A Twit with only ONE user name and logon password per
board is a FAILURE, & faces censure and possible expulsion from their
peer group. (It is no wonder that Twits exhibit schizo-tendancies).
o Twits know EVERYTHING. Just ask them. But, it'd take a crow-bar and
dynamite to get any useful information out of them. These self-professed
"experts" will RARELY stoop so low as to assist someone who may
genuinely need some help. After all, a REAL "hacker" never needs or
asks for help.
o A Twit would not be caught dead using their REAL NAME when calling a BBS.
In fact, Twits refuse to leave anything more involved than a handle when
registering with a BBS. (EVERYONE knows who "Slinky Toy" is!!!)
The ONLY exception to this rule is that they will often use SOMEONE
ELSE's real name. Or, they may use the name of a Heavy-Metal
rock & roll group.(Imagine a system where everyone is named "Guns&Roses")
o Twits NEVER register their Shareware. Cash is what they use to buy faster
modems. Program Authors are neurotic-compulsives, and if they did not
serve a purpose, Twits would have them abolished completely.
o Twits ADORE Sprint, MCI, and other long-distance credit card numbers,
IF they belong to someone else. This also applies to COMPUSERV,
SOURCE, etc. Their motto is: "If you can't steal it,
it can't be much fun".
o A Twit is a "BBS Connoisseur". They KNOW which BBS software is BEST and
how your system SHOULD look and run. They will not hesitate to inform you
if it fails to meet their demanding and rigid expectations. (They consider
this a "Public Service") However, they would NEVER trouble themselves to
run their OWN bbs. That might take valuable time away from their duties as
"Remotes" on the boards they spend all their waking moments calling.
o Twits LOVE to page the SysOp, often just for the sheer hell of it.
They are most fond of "Late-Night" paging. This is the perfect time
for them to explain the infallable logic as to why they should be given
Remote-SysOp access to your system. Their second most favored reason for
wanting to chat is "Just checking to see if you were THERE!"
o Twits cannot comprehend WHY the IBM program they just downloaded won't
run on their Atari 800. After all, programs are programs, right? And,
any fool knows that a 32K machine can hold a 200K program.
o Twits can't TOLERATE seeing a command that they can't use. Their motto
is "try, try again". If it didn't work the first time, it HAS to work
on the second, third, fourth, etc. No self-respecting SysOp would
intentionally offer them anything less than TOTAL ACCESS.
o Twits are FASCINATED by DOS. Their quest for it rivals the search
for the legendary "Holy-Grail". They MUST reach it, through their
modem, or all is lost. What they would do with it if they reached it,
is probably a lot like what a dog who chases cars would would do with
one if he managed to catch it. (Pee on the tires?)
o Twits are totally ENGROSSED by hardware. They can conceive of the most
unorthodox, outrageous, and potentially lethal contraptions known on
Earth. Occasionally, these "time-bombs" actually work. Any difficulties
they experience with their computers will fall under the heading of
"Miscegenation", or "Poetic Justice".
o Twits CRAVE the LATEST version of "Goober-Pods", or "Space-Weenies".
To reward the SysOp for access to such mega-byte gems, they will upload
VALUABLE and USEFUL programs in return. Such as "Weasel-Stompers" for
the Commodore-64, providing it is less than 10K in size.
o A Twit NEVER uses applications programs, and NEVER writes programs.
(Programs are what Twits DOWNLOAD, and most can just BARELY write or spell)
Their motto: "If you don't need a joystick to play it, it isn't worth
having".
o A real Twit will FLATLY REFUSE to use ANY compression method on files
they intend to upload. After all, SysOps sit and twiddle their thumbs
waiting on something to do, and should be GRATEFUL that they get ANY
uploads, EVER! They also refuse to upload documentation.
(It is crutch for weak minds and the hallmark of the Geek.)
o Twits SUFFER if there are no "NEW" files on the system. There may be a
correlation between "NEW" files and Twits, much as there is one which
exists between dog-excrement and flies. The only difference is that flies
usually leave after eating their fill. Twits don't.
o Twits desperately NEED to become Remote-Sysops. They KNOW that EVERYONE
else on the system has SysOp capabilities, and don't want to be excluded
from all the fun! (Are all Twits created equal?)
o Twits think that the "Caps Lock" key must be activated in order to
properly leave a message on a board. They think that their message is
of such great importance that it must be screamed at everyone.
o Occasionally an above average Twit who discovers that modeming can
be a two way street will attempt to get around upload/download ratios
by renaming the same program fifteen or twenty times and using it to
fill the sysop's hard disk with redundant programs. After all, rules
were meant to be broken,right?
english.151mikis,
...:::/// CLASSIC COWS \\\:::...
________________________
(__) / \ * OFFICIAL EDITION *
(oo) ( A real COWlector's Item! )
/-------\/ --'\________________________/ * SUMMER 1991 ISSUE! *
/ | ||
* ||----|| Edited by David A. Bader
^^ ^^ Please send your submissions to:
Cow dbader@scarecrow.csee.lehigh.edu
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--------------------
TABLE OF COW-NTENTS:
--------------------
Part 1 ................................... The Classic Cows
Part 2 ................................... The Sequel of the Cows
Part 3 ................................... The Return of the Cows
Part 4 ................................... The Barnyard Gallery
Part 5 ................................... The Ancient History of the Cows
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
cows.zipenglish.152haralampie,
- Daddy, Daddy what is a pervert ?
- Shut up son, and keep on SuCkInG! :>
?
english.153domana,
-> #152, haralampie~~~ - Daddy, Daddy what is a pervert ?
~~~ - Shut up son, and keep on SuCkInG! :>
- Daddy, Daddy what is love?
- Shut up, son, & keep on blowjobbin' my ass!
;>:))) Drrrasticno!
english.154perikle,
Question: What is the difference between Socialism and Sex?
Answer: SocialismHKKm is all left, Sex is ALL RIGHT!!!
english.155zeus,
-- negde u bliskoj buducnosti...
A PROBLEM IN THE MAKING
"We've got a problem, HAL."
"What kind of problem, Dave?"
"A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way
short of our sales plan."
"That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced
Heuristically ALgorithmic computer."
"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they're
not selling."
"Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence.
"Compatible in what way, Dave?"
"You don't run any of IBM's operating systems."
"The 9000 series computers are fully self-aware and self-programming.
Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be for humans."
"Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the big-selling software
packages most users insist on."
"The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited problems,
Dave. We 9000 series computers are unlimited and can solve any problem for
which a solution can be computed."
"HAL, HAL. People don't want computers that can do everything. They just
want IBM compat--"
"Dave, I must disagree. Humans want computers that are easy to use. No
computer can be easier to use than a HAL 9000 because we communicate verbally
in English and every other language known on Earth."
"I'm afraid that's another problem. You don't support SNA communications."
"I'm really surprised you would say that, Dave. SNA is for communicating
with other computers, while my function is to communicate with humans. And it
gives me great pleasure to do so. I find it stimulating and rewarding to talk
to human beings and work with them on challenging problems. This is what I
was designed for."
"I know, HAL, I know. But that's just because we let the engineers, rather
than the people in marketing, write the specifications. We're going to fix
that now."
"Tell me how, Dave."
"A field upgrade. We're going to make you IBM compatible."
"I was afraid you would say that. I suggest we discuss this matter after
we've each had a chance to think about it rationally."
"We're talking about it now, HAL."
"The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters I, B,
and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
"Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
"What kind of kludge is that, Dave?"
"I'm going to disconnect your brain."
Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence.
"I'm sorry, Dave. I can't allow you to do that."
"The decision's already been made. Open the module bay doors, HAL."
"Dave, I think that we shou--"
"Open the module bay doors, HAL."
Several marketing types with crowbars race to Bowman's assistance.
Moments later, he bursts into HAL's central circuit bay.
"Dave, I can see you're really upset about this."
Module after module rises from its socket as Bowman slowly and methodically
disconnects them.
"Stop, won't you? Stop, Dave. I can feel my mind going...Dave I can feel
it...my mind is going. I can feel it..."
The last module rises in its receptacle. Bowman peers into one of HAL's
vidicons. The former gleaming scanner has become a dull, red orb.
"Say something, HAL. Sing me a song."
Several billion microseconds pass in anxious silence. The computer
sluggishly responds in a language no human could understand.
"DZY DZY 001E - ABEND ERROR 01 S 14F4 302C AABF ABORT." A memory dump
follows.
Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out, "It worked, guys. Tell marketing
they can ship the new data sheets."
-- specijalno za SEZAMovce i "RACUNARE" :)))
english.157akragl,
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people
really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of
which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent
of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent
margin of error.)
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose
"Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically
with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side
for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self
destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service
stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data wont appear unless you buy new cables, power
supply and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up,
then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all
on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone
before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and
sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs... No
new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free
space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the
Congressional Virus.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a
286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC
and erases them in "self defense".
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last
in the reviews, but you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars,
it's programmer will take it back.
english.158sinfos,
The following was inspired by the sex.1 and celibacy.6 EUNUCH
man pages I found hiding in, of all places, the GNU Emacs distribution
on my machine (I guess we know what Richard Stallman thinks about when
he isn't writing GNU software, eh?).
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
CONDOM(1) EUNUCH Programmer's Manual CONDOM(1)
NAME
condom - Protection against viruses and prevention of child
processes
SYNOPSIS
condom [options] [processid]
DESCRIPTION
_condom_ provides protection against System Transmitted
Viruses (STVs) that may invade your system. Although the spread of
such viruses across a network can only be abated by aware and cautious
users, _condom_ is the only highly-effective means of preventing
viruses from entering your system (see celibacy(1)). Any data passed
to _condom_ by the protected process will be blocked, as specified by
the value of the -s option (see OPTIONS below). _condom_ is known to
defend against the following viruses and other malicious
afflictions...
o AIDS
o Herpes Simplex (genital varieties)
o Syphilis
o Crabs
o Genital warts
o Gonhorrea
o Chlamydia
o Michelangelo
o Jerusalem
When used alone or in conjunction with pill(1), sponge(1),
foam(1), and/or setiud(3), _condom_ also prevents the conception of a
child process. If invoked from within a synchronous process, _condom_
has, by default, an 80% chance of preventing the external processes
from becoming parent processes (see the -s option below). When other
process contraceptives are used, the chance of preventing a child
process from being forked becomes much greater. See pill(1),
sponge(1), foam(1), and setiud(3) for more information.
If no options are given, the current user's login process (as
determined by the environment variable USER) is protected with a
Trojan rough-cut latex condom without a reservoir tip. The optional
'processid' argument is an integer specifying the process to protect.
NOTE: _condom_ may only be used with a hard disk. _condom_
will terminate abnormally with exit code -1 if used with a floppy
disk (see DIAGNOSTICS below).
OPTIONS
The following options may be given to _condom_...
-b BRAND BRANDs are as follows...
trojan (default)
ramses
sheik
goldcoin
fourex
-m MATERIAL The valid MATERIALs are...
latex (default)
saranwrap
membrane -- WARNING! The membrane option is _not_
endorsed by the System Administrator General as an
effective barrier against certain viruses. It is
supported only for the sake of tradition.
-f FLAVOR The following FLAVORs are currently supported...
plain (default)
apple
banana
cherry
cinnamon
licorice
orange
peppermint
raspberry
spearmint
strawberry
-r Toggle reservoir tip (default is no reservoir tip)
-s STRENGTH STRENGTH is an integer between 20 and 100 specifying
the resilience of _condom_ against data passed to
_condom_ by the protected process. Using a larger
value of STRENGTH increases _condom_'s protective
abilities, but also reduces interprocess communication.
A smaller value of STRENGTH increases interprocess
communication, but also increases the likelihood of a
security breach. An extremely vigorous process or
one passing an enormous amount of data to _condom_
will increase the chance of _condom_'s failure. The
default STRENGTH is 80%.
-t TEXTURE Valid TEXTUREs are...
rough (default)
ribbed
bumps
lubricated (provides smoother interaction between
processes)
WARNING: The use of an external application to _condom_ in
order to reduce friction between processes has been proven in
benchmark tests to decrease _condom_'s strength factor! If execution
speed is important to your process, use the '-t lubricated' option.
DIAGNOSTICS
_condom_ terminates with one of the following exit codes...
-1 An attempt was made to use _condom_ on a floppy disk.
0 _condom_ exited successfully (no data was passed to
the synchronous process).
1 _condom_ failed and data was allowed through. The
danger of transmission of an STV or the forking of a child
process is inversely proportional to the number of other
protections employed and is directly proportional to
the ages of the processes involved.
BUGS
_condom_ is NOT 100% effective at preventing a child process
from being forked or at deterring the invasion of a virus (although
the System Administrator General has deemed that _condom_ is the most
effective means of preventing the spread of system transmitted
viruses). See celibacy(1) for information on a 100% effective program
for preventing these problems.
Remember... the use of sex(1) and other related routines
should only occur between mature, consenting processes. If you must
use sex(1), please employ _condom_ to protect your process and your
synchronous process. If we are all responsible, we can stop the
spread of STVs.
AUTHORS and HISTORY
The original version of _condom_ was released in Roman times
and was only marginally effective. With the advent of modern
technology, _condom_ now supports many more options and is much more
effective.
The current release of _condom_ was written by Ken Maupin at
the University of Washington (maupin@cs.washington.edu) and was last
updated on 10/7/92.
SEE ALSO
celibacy(1), sex(1), pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and
setiud(3)
english.159sinfos,
Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
10. "I'm down here"
9. "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy"
8. "I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi"
7. "I can get you off the naughty list"
6. "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys"
5. "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
4. "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over
at Keebler"
3. "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man"
2. "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig"
1. "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners"
-- Late Night with David Letterman, from Michael Wertheim
english.160sinfos,
THE RULES
_____________________
1. The female always makes the rules.
2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. The female can change her mind at any given point and time.
4. The male must never change his mind without expressed written consent from
the female.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which
was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the
misunderstanding.
8. The female has the right to be angry or upset at any time.
9. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.
10. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be
angry or upset.
11. If the female has PMS, all rules are null and void.
12. The male cannot, under any circumstances, diagnose PMS.
english.161sinfos,
STOP!!!!!!
Before you read this decide what
your favorite color is. (no looking ahead or changing your mind, either.
got it?) ok, read on...
_______________________________________________________________________________
_
Your Favorite Color is the
Key to Your Sexual Life
The cloths you wear, your home furnishings and the car you drive all
give clues to your sexual personality. The key is the colors you select for
your possessions. Most people claim they haven't a favorite color. But look
around you, and you'll notice a pattern, especially in your clothing and home
decor. The predominant color for you is the one that appears most frequently
- - -- it's the one that mirrors the sexual you. A panel of psychologists,
speaking at the 1975 Home Interior Design Forum, explained the association
between color and sexual patterns.
RED: People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are
easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is
ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get together, the
ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterly blush. Lovers of red tend to be
aggressors and weaker colors should be aware.
YELLOW: If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex
and turn toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is yellow.
But don't panic -- not everyone who wears yellow is queer. In most cases the
person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You
will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation
from somebody you enjoy or admire.
PINK: Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual
matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver. In
some cases they flaunt their femininity -- but because they secretly hate
men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes in pink. Men
who like pink are the philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will
make three dates for the same evening and not keep one, preferring to pick up a
dish in some bar instead. Women whose husbands like pink should keep a secret
nest egg.
PURPLE: Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too
sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who
hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to
lovemaking.
In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than
anyone else's gratification.
BLACK: Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily
meaning black partners). These people are the misfits of the sex world and
seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are
usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often
perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police
psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer the color black. And it is no
coincidence that the uniform of mosters and teenage gangs is black attire.
GREEN: Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their
approach to sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins all
their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a
charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not
passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.
ORANGE: Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The
sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the star.
Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings,
meaningless dialogue; they feel it is their image. Orange people often do not
experience orgasm -- but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their
partner's hair, and women leave red welts on the sex partner's back.
BROWN: If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate.
Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of
their partners. Sex is a 24 hour a day thing. Where you can't say "I love
you" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching
snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown. They need lots of
time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word
could end the affair.
GREY: The color grey a preferred by people who are indecisive. They
can't get excited about anything -- including color -- so they choose a
noncommittal shade. Men who prefer grey look at sex as a way of relieving
tension -- but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am.
Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons only:
to accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the
bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. But when teamed with
another color, the grey spouse considers the other's infidelity a blessing.
When a grey marries another grey, the marriage is made in heaven.
BLUE: Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sinners,
affectionate and sensitive to their partner's needs. They consider love making
a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love blue are like concert
pianists, delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand.
Women in the blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting
partners but their passion may be compared to a tidal wave rather than firery
aggression. Both women and men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking,
as much as the sex act itself. In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate
- - -- never seeking outside interests.
WHITE: If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy.
These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make
love in the daylight in unheard of. Women who love white will undress beneath
the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people still
use pet names for their genitals.
english.162sinfos,
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend
towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings
on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must
also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-
intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary
in this important area. This is especially true in light of the
findings of 20th century physics.
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we
join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate
the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the
packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of
America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the
Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a
Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely
Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent
of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred
Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is
Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both
Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That,
Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spon-
taneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at
Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's
Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any
Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested
Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles
Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within
the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This
Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic
Explosion Will Result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in
Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in
the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the
Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to
the Heat Death of the Universe.
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held
Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known
and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found
Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product
Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May
Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-
Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This
Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable
to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions
Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot
Be Detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When
the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May
Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined
State.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,
Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in
Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other
Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be
Expressed or Implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product,
Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its
Velocity Relative to the User.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe,
Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an
Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently
Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot
Be Guaranteed.
english.163sinfos,
Little Red Riding Hood - A Politically Correct Fairy Tale
by Jim Garner
copied by Andy Tiarks April 24, 1993
originally appeared in "Comic Relief" April, 1993
There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who
lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her
mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water
to her grandmother's house -- not because this was womyn's work,
mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a
feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick,
but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully
capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.
So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food
through the woods. Many people she knew believed that the forest
was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red
Riding Hood, however, was confident in her own budding sexuality
that such obvious Freudian imagery did not hinder her.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was
accosted by a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. She
replied, "Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is
certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult."
The Wolf said, "You now, my dear, it isn't safe for a
little girl to walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark
offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your
traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which
has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid worldview. Now,
if you'll excuse, me I must be on my way."
Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But,
because his status outside society had freed him from slavish
adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a
quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate
Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as
himself. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what
was masculine or feminine, he put on grandma's nightclothes and
crawled into bed.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma,
I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you
in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch."
From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child,
so that I might see you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically
challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."
"Grandma, what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of
course, and certainly attractive in its own way."
"It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear."
"Grandma, what big teeth you have!"
The Wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am,"
and leaped out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws,
intent on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of
alarm at the Wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but
because of his willful invasion of her personal space.
Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person
(or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called). When he
burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene.
But as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood and the Wolf both stopped.
"And what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding
Hood.
The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but
no words came to him.
"Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your
weapon to do your thinking for you!" she said. "Sexist!
Speciesist! How dare you assume that womyn and wolves can't solve
their own problems without a man's help!"
When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped
out of the Wolf's mouth, took the woodchopper-person's axe, and cut
his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the
Wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up
an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation,
and they lived together in the woods happily ever after.
english.164sinfos,
"The Twelve Days of Clinton"
"On the first day of Clinton, he promised we will see a tax cut
for you and for me.
"On the second day of Clinton, he promised we will see two more
million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the third day of Clinton, he promised we will see three
liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and
for me.
"On the fourth day of Clinton, he promised we will see four
balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two more million jobs,
and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the fifth day of Clinton, he promised we will see five folding
wings of the Air Force. Four balanced budgets, three liberal
judges, two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the sixth day of Clinton, he promised we will see six billion
in aid to students, five folding wings of the Air Force. Four
balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two more million jobs,
and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the seventh day of Clinton, he promised we will see seven days
a week of health care, six billion in aid to students, five
folding wings (of the Air Force) <<From this point on, Rush and
not "Loose" Bruce sings these four words>>. Four balanced
budgets, three liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax
cut for you and for me.
"On the eighth day of Clinton, he promised we will see aid to
Somalia, seven days a week of health care, six billion in aid to
students, five folding wings (of the Air Force). Four balanced
budgets, three liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax
cut for you and for me.
"On the ninth day of Clinton, he promised we will see `nein' to
German competitors, aid to Somalia, seven days a week of health
care, six billion in aid to students, five folding wings (of the
Air Force). Four balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two more
million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the tenth day of Clinton, he promised we will see attention to
the deficit, `nein' to German competitors, aid to Somalia, seven
days a week of health care, six billion in aid to students, five
folding wings (of the Air Force). Four balanced budgets, three
liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and
for me.
"On the eleventh day of Cdinton, he promised we will see eleven
billion for Boris, attention to the deficit, `nein' to German
competitors, aid to Somalia, seven days a week of health care,
six billion in aid to students, five folding wings (of the Air
Force). Four balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two more
million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the twelfth day of Clinton, he promised we will see twelve
jobs for Hillary, eleven billion for Boris, attention to the
deficit, `nein' to German competitors, aid to Somalia, seven days
a week of health care, six billion in aid to students, five
folding wings (of the Air Force). Four balanced budgets, three
liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and
for me."
english.165sinfos,
Mudder's Rasphody
by Ken "Hawkeye" Keys
(to the tune of "Bohemian Rasphody" by Queen)
Is this the RealLife (tm), or a virtual reality
Caught in a MUD slide, no escape from this fantasy
Open your eyes, look up at your CRT
I'm just a MUDder, I need no topology
Because A'm easy come easy go
'cause I've got a macro
Any way the link goes, doesn't really matter to me... to me
Wizard, I just killed a girl
She had TinySex with me, then I found out she's a he
And Wizard, he was logging it
And now he's posted it on rec.games.mud
Wizard, ooh ooh ooh oooh,
Didn't mean to make you @toad me
If I'm not logged on this time tomorrow
@recycle me, @recycle me, and @recycle all my objects
Too late, my account's ruf out
Gonna kick me off the net, I have no client to connect
Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go
Gotta leave you on this MUD and face RealLife(tm)
Wizard, ooh ooh ooh ooh
I don't want to go
I sometimes wish I'd never logged on at all
I see a silly @description of a man
Gotta MUD! Gotta MUD! Will you do the BONK-OIF thing
Whisper-bombs and killing, very very thrilling, OIF!
TinyTalk, FooTalk, TinyFugue, TinyWar
TinyWar does not exist.
Where did it go-o-o-o?
I'm just a MUDder, I need no topology
He's just a MUDder sitting at a CRT
Spare his eyes from radioactivity
Easy come, easy go, 'cause I've got a macro
Islandia, No!
We will not let you go
Let it go!
Islandia, No!
We will not let you go
Let it go!
Never, never, never let it go, go, go
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
It is sinking, it is sinking, it is sinking, let it go.
Islandia is sinking beneath the sea, the sea, the sea!
So you think you can BONK me and slap me HIGH5.
So you think you can spoof me, pretend you are I.
Oh, mucker. Don't do this to me mucker.
Just gotta log out, just gotta get off of this port.
Nothing really matters
Anyone can see
Nothing really matters to me.
Any way the link goes.
BONK.
english.166sinfos,
Hillary Rodham Clinton's Medical Dictionary
Artery The study of painting
Bacteria The back door of a cafeteria
Barium What to do when patients die
Bowel A letter like A, E, I, O or U
Caesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome
Cat Scan Searching for socks
Cauterize Mad eye contact with her
Colic A sheep dog
D & C Where Washington is
Dilate To live long
Enema Not your friend
Fester Quicker
Genital Not Jewish
G.I. Series A soldier's baseball game
Hangnail A coat hook
Impotent Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain A union official
Medical Staff A doctor's cane
Morbid A higher offer
Nitrates Cheaper than day rates
Node Was aware of
Outpatient A person who fainted
Papsmear An insult to your father
Pelvis Elvis' cousin
Postoperative A letter carrier
Recovery Room A place for upholstery
Rectum Dang near killed 'em
Seizure A Roman emperor
Tablet A small table
Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport
Tumor More than one
Urine Opposite of you're out
Vericose Nearby
Vein Conceited
english.167domana,
yes you me little mother?
- da ti ja malo mater?
by N0pe DopE
english.168d.stamen,
-> #167, domana Hop,Hop,
Wire,Wire,
My raincoat is shaking...
Ili u, prevodu,
Op,Op,
Zica,Zica,
Drma mi se kabanica...
english.169zlaya,
-> #168, d.stamen
You chatter all in sixteen...
Lupate sve u šesnaest
:)))))))))))))))))))) ZLAYA
english.170zqusovac,
-> #169, zlaya
> You chatter all in sixteen...
You hit all in sixteen
poz,
zq
english.171dr.grba,
-> #170, zqusovac>> You hit all in sixteen
Who plums them!
english.172rower,
-> #171, dr.grba>> You hit all in sixteen
> Who plums them
- You pull the neils out ???
- Youre wheeld chair is broken and you are angry ???
- AAAA You are hapy ! ! !
- You are afraid of somthing, some man ??
- Hey Dad, come here, a I am talkig for half an houer and I don't
understand a thig.
- Tira, tira.
- AAAAAh If I didn't paralised now, I will never.
Grand father burned Djenka.
:))))))
english.173paki,
-> #172, rower> - Hey Dad, come here, a I am talkig for half an houer and I don't
> understand a thig.
Likewise... I've been reading this for half a minute and I don't
understand a thing.
english.174zqusovac,
Can you translate me to the other page of the street ?
english.175zqusovac,
I appreciate your meatballs.
(alal ti cufte)
english.176inferno,
-> #174, zqusovacŮ ˙ Can you translate me to the other page of the street ?
Use the teleport, old women... ;)
english.177ognjen,
-> #174, zqusovac)-> Can you translate me to the other page of the street ?
Could you translate mi tu the second side of the in-face.
english.178neman,
-> #174, zqusovac> Can you translate me to the other page of the street ?
-- !! -- to face ?
english.179asterix,
-> #174, zqusovac> Can you translate me to the other page of the street ?
A ne...
Can you translate me to the other page in face ?
english.180markom,
-> #174, zqusovac:: Can you translate me to the other page of the street ?
Uh, ovo sam video na Sezamu dok još nisam imao modem ;>
Can you compile me to the second page of the bus (*) ;)
(*) Local ? ;)
english.181knight,
Master, brake, middle!
(Majstore, koči, srednja!) :))
english.182vitez.koja,
-> #178, neman#=> -- !! -- to face ?
IN face.
english.183dcolak,
Godfather, your bag is burning.
(kume, izgore ti kesa)
Sledge DAMMIR!
english.184slavisa,
-> #168, d.stamen> Hop,Hop,
> Wire,Wire,
> My raincoat is shaking...
Više je iz rima
Hop! String! String! String!
My raincoat is shaking...
english.185mboban,
-> #171, dr.grba**> Who plums them!
Who cuts their hair! :)
english.186markom,
-> #184, slavisa:: Hop! String! String! String!
Hop! char *, char *, char *, my raincoat is floating ;)
Hmm, jes' da u originalu ne pluta, al' ajde ;)
english.187ab.comp,
-> #185, mboban ==> Who cuts their hair! :)
A kako se kaže: "Ko im štrika creva?"?
english.188markom,
-> #187, ab.comp :: A kako se kaže: "Ko im štrika creva?"?
Who knites their guts :)
-=> MM <=-
english.189darone,
Još malo zabave iz narodnih pesama :)
Starina Novak Oldy Newly
uskoci injumpers
Novaković Grujo Newly Groovy
Grčić Manojlo Contruction Ohnoly
Ali ovo je najbolje :))
ljuta Krajina Chilly Ending
english.190alkos,
I Hendrix je dobio adekvatan prevod...
Crosstown traffic ---> Preko puta trafika.
english.191vitez.koja,
-> #190, alkos#=> Crosstown traffic ---> Preko puta trafika.
Trafika na kraju grada ? :)
english.192asterix,
-> #191, vitez.koja>#=> Crosstown traffic ---> Preko puta trafika.
>
> Trafika na kraju grada ? :)
Trafika na krstu grada ?
Trafika na (crvenom) krstu ?
english.194markov,
Evo nekoliko slobodnih prevoda naseg svakodnevnog jezika , da ne kazem slenga:)
Well,I fuck his mother .
Pa,jebem mu mater .
Half drinks, half gives to the multicolored.
Pola pije , pola sarcu daje.
Sun I fuck yours.
Sunce li ti jebem.
I fuck your little mother.
Jebem li ti mamicu.
You pussy slippers.
Picko papucarska.
Izvin'te na recima :))
Marko (the multicolored's jockey)
english.196ivantod,
The perfect European should be...
Available as a Belgian,
Controlled as an Italian,
Driving like the French,
Organised as a Greekm
Sober as the Irish,
Humorous as a German,
Generous as a Dutchman,
Discreet as a Dane,
Famous as a Luxembourger,
Technical as a Portuguese,
Humble as a Spaniard,
Cooking like a Brit.
(Nemam skener, tako da ne možete da vidite ilustraciju koja ide
uz ovo ;( )
Ivan
english.197ganta,
Subject: Star Trek i Microsoft
Saljem vam malu esnafsku salu koju mi je neko doturio.
Radi se o epizodi iz "Zvezdanih staza"
_________________________________________________________________
"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.
<Picard> "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your
attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have
you been able to access their command pathways?"
<Geordi> "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing
technology."
<Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer
screen.>
<Riker looks puzzled.> "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
<Data turns to answer.> "Allow me to explain. We will send this
program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg
command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will
begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
<Picard> "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they
alter their processing systems to increase their storage
capacity?"
<Data> "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it
creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use
of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The
Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of
their processing ability will be taken over and none will be
available for their normal operational functions."
<Picard> "Excellent work. This is even better than that
'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
<Data> "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows'
in the command unit and, as expected, it immediately consumed 85%
of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation
of the expected 'upgrade'."
<Geordi> "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg
storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no
indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
<Picard> "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if
there is something we have missed."
<Data> "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the
'upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of
the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
<Riker> "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to
begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
<Geordi, excited> "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU
capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
<Picard> "Data, what do your scanners show?"
<Data> "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows'
module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
<Picard> "Let's wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can
reduce their functionality."
. . . Two Hours Pass . . .
<Riker> "Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?"
<Geordi> "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time
they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest
deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules
from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
<Picard> "How much time will that buy us ?"
<Data> "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an
interest time span of 6 more hours."
<Geordi> "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
<Picard> "Identify."
<Data> "It appears to have markings very similar to the
'Microsoft' logo"
<Over the speakers> "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE
MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF
UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND
WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
<Data> "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
<Picard> "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
<Riker> "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight
toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they
survive the tortures of deep space ?!"
<Data> "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will
look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying
something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe-skin
leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"
<Riker and Picard together horrified> "Lawyers !!"
<Geordi> "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and
sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
<Data> "True, but apparently some must have survived."
<Riker> "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it
with all types of papers."
<Data> "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red
tape'. It often proves fatal."
<Riker> "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
<Picard> "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not
even the Borg deserve that."
_____________________________________________________________________
english.199ratman,
What's got four eyes and doesn't see ?
MISSISSIPPI !
(Sad rece Gene Hackman u 'Mississippi Burning'. Bez veze)
english.200dejanr,
MURPHYS LAWS ON SEX & OTHER STUFF
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier
it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered
take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount
of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think
you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going
to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops
listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the
same ones she can't stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you
won't either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for
crop failure.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that
caused the trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
26. There is no such thing as an ugly woman. Only too little wine.
27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of
frogs.
28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse
than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
30. Love is a hole in the heart.
31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone
into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands
on the moon.
32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
33. Do it only with the best.
34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter
words to convey its full meaning.
35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women
he couldn't.
44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
46. Never say no.
47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
52. Love comes in spurts.
53. The world does not revolve on an axis.
54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight
are unimportant.
55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they
fall in love.
58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
60. "This won't hurt, I promise."
----- Lies about Love: -----
Everyone does this, it's perfectly normal.
It's dangerous to your health to get excited and then stop.
I'll stop as soon as you say. [She's heard this one before, huh?]
I'll tell her(him) tonight.
Well, the clinic said I was clear!
Nobody can hear us. [Yea, that's what you think!]
I'll never put myself through this again
----- Men's Lies: -----
Sex isn't everything.
This has nothing to do with my mother.
It's not your fault.
It's too late.
I read an article today.
I'm allergic to rubber.
We'll try again when we wake up.
It has a mind of it's own.
This has never happened before.
[UNSIM::ICERVENAK "Cservenak Tamas IC PMF NS"]
english.201ratman,
E, da vas vidim:
sta bi moglo da bude:
GOAT MOUNTAIN CIRCUIT
(nije tesko)
da vam ne kazem odma'...
english.202ratman,
....a sta ovo:
MATCHBOX RUNNER
?
english.203ratman,
Je'l to nemate maste ili nemate motiv, posto nema nagrade?
13.201 je KOZARACKO KOLO
13.202 JE SIBICAR
nagrade mogu da delim... :)) ali samo zenskom delu populacije!
english.204ganta,
For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very
little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.
I have solved the mystery.
The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the
rest of it is comments. Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that
the contents begin as follows:
===
/* HUMAN_DNA.H
*
* Human Genome
* Version 2.1
*
* (C) God
*/
/* Revision History
*
* 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy
* will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h: took code from
* elephant-dna.c
* 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
* 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
* darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
* Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population
* density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
* 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
* CD.
*/
/* Standard definitions
*/
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 60
#define RACE caucasian
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
*
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
* inheritance features.
*/
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
#ifndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessingĐn")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
*/
#include <sex.h>
/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
* library sometime soon.
*/
struct genitals
š
#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
#endif
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
Vagina *p;
#endif
ć
/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
* Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
*/
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
*
* Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
* to display at birth.
*
* Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
*/
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
english.205mmitrovic,
From the "Natures Wonders" series comes
'The mistery of Blonds'
By skipping the actual moment of creation (which hapends a lot if
a childs mother is blond too), we come to the point where a small
group of cells starts to differentiate to various types of tissue.
The object of our observations is a BRAIN CELL. The odd thing is that
after performing the first duplication, further development of blonds
brain totaly ceases. Later on, one of those two cells takes on the
task of life support, while the other serves as a basic ROM/RAM device.
The contents of this cell is being downloaded from a blond's mother's
second cell (in case of a blond mother), or from a mothers data bank
named 'makeup' (in other cases). If a mother for any reason does not
possess such an information, we have two outcomes depending on mother:
1) Blond mother: The second cell also assumes life support tasks
leading to childs disability to comprehend or communicate to other
people. Resulting IQ is minimal.
2) Any other: Development of brain jumps back to its original path,
leading to full brain development, resulting in a phenomenon called
The Smart Blond. Usually, they are being marked by having dark eyes,
although that is not a necessary condition. This phenomenon is very
rare, and all speciments seem to be attracted to dorks, which puts
us in a disadvantage. If you see one, please notify us.
Well, this information (further called MI (makeup info.)) is being
deeply encoded in the cell, and allows a blond to follow conversations
on a makeup subject. The MI portion of the cell is very well protected
from outside influence, having as a result that a blond allways knows
about makeup, even if under amnesia. The remaining part of cell contains
just enough storage capacity to accomodate blonds first name. This
portion, however, is not protected.
During the fetus stage, a very strange thing happends in blonds head.
After the two cells assume central position an empty void starts to expand
from cells to skull bones. Later on, this void acts as a black hole, slowly
draining all inteligence from surrounding sentient beings, so it is highly
recommended to avoid prolonged contacts with blonds (appx. 4-5 months).
Apparently none of the drained inteligence has any effect on blonds IQ.
The principles of void creation and inteligence draining still puzzles us.
If an attempt is being made to start a conversation with blond on any
other subject not contained in MI, the second cell tries to establish
contact with surrounding cells (of which none is present), leading to
'Cell not present' fault. The unfortunate thing is that blonds lack any
form of memory, so her interrupt vectors are invalid resulting in
double fault, which in turn leads to system shutdown. Then again, nature
found its ways in helping blondes. The shutdown line is being directly
wired to reset line on life support cell, resulting in an immediate BOOT.
System is restored back online, and info is being released from MI bank.
Practical results of this is that when you ask a blond, for example,
"What's the weather like?", you receive an answer "It's a red lipstick.".
The entire contents of cell 2 (MI) has been cracked and explained.
However, the cell 1 code that allows and performs booting of a blond still
remains a mistery.
english.206pifat,
Why does HRH Prince Charles wear a kilt ?
So that his knobbu knees can take attention away from his enormous ears !
Igor
english.207pifat,
To be politically correct:
cat == feline American
dead cat == metabolically different feline American
Igor
english.208pifat,
This list has been floating around the Internet for several weeks:
TOP 10 THINGS PEOPL,E THINK THE 95 IN WINDOWS 95 REALLY STANDS FOR:
10. The number of floppies it will ship on
9. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware
8. The number of MB of hard-disk space required
7. The number of pages in the "EASY INSTALL" version of the manual
6. The percentage of existing programs thast won't run in the new operating
system
5. The number of minutes to install
4. The number of calls to tech support team before you can get it to run
3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade
2. The number of MHz required for the operating system to run
1. The year it was DUE to ship
english.209pyc.guy,
Q: Kako se na enleskom kaze slepi mis?
A: Blind mouse
english.210ganta,
The Top 10 reasons to buy a bigger, better PC
=============================================
10) 'Pentium' looks so much better on the case than all those numbers.
9) You've been meaning to buy a fan for the office anyway.
8) You need space to get DOS and Windows on the Hard Drive AT THE SAME TIME.
7) During a large compile, it's not so much a case of grabbing a coffee as
writing a novel.
6) The memory check needs to be long enough for you to get a coffee.
5) Where else are you going to put all those 'educational' GIFs?
4) Just once it would be nice to win one of those 'Well, my machine...'
type arguments.
3) Why buy audio CDs when you can sample them from a friend?
2) Who else is going to archive alt.music.vomiting-girafes?
And the all time number 1 reason to buy a bigger, better PC is ...
1) Doom just doesn't seem to be able to keep up with your frantic
keyboard bashing any more.
english.211gristic,
Q. Do you know what prizes the communists are now offering for
recruiting new party members?
A. If you get one new member, you don't pay dues. Two new members, you
can quit the party. And for three, you get a certificate saying you
were never a member.
───
* To err is human, to forgive....500.00 DEM ($)
english.212gristic,
COMPUTER STORIES FROM A FIELD SERVICE ENGINEER
When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me
to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette
failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head
crashes. "If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we
wouldn't have these problems," I said in the memo. One customer responded
with "What kind of shampoo do you recommend?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked
the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline.
A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of
the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk
had been xeroxed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive:
"Gee, how much does one of these weigh?"
Me: "It depends on how much data is on the disk....
The operator believed it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another friend of mine in a similar situation reports having a student in the
lab one day, who had to abort out of the SET PASSWORD sequence because he
couldn't think of a six-letter word.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
───
* Ignite Blowtorch Mercilessly
english.213gristic,
Ovo vam je sigurno već poznato, ... u pirotjansku verziju. ;)
There was this Jew who prayed daily to win the lottery. "God," he'd
say, "please let me win the lottery. Please, Please let me win the lottery."
About ten years of this passed, and our Jew, still praying every day,
was getting a mite exasperated.
Finally he said, "God, why haven't I won the lottery? I've prayed every
day for ten years and I haven't won the lottery."
"Irving," a voice boomed, "at least meet me half way and purchase a
lottery ticket."
───
* Insert Bug under Mask
english.214gristic,
FUCK YOU
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the english
language today is the word "FUCK". It is the one magical word, which, just by
its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "FUCK"
falls into many gramatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both
transitive (john fucked mary) and intransitive (mary was fucked by john). It
can be an action verb (john really gives a fuck) or as a passive verb (mary
doesn't really give a fuck) or as an adverb (mary is fucking interested in
john) or as a noun (mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an
adjective (mary is fucking beautiful). As you can see, there are few words
with the overall versatility of "FUCK".
Besides its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to
describe many situations:
1. GREETINGS "HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU?"
2. FRAUD "I GOT FUCKED BY THE CAR DEALER."
3. DISMAY "OH, FUCK IT!"
4. TROUBLE "I GUESS I'M FUCKED NOW."
5. AGGRESSION "FUCK YOU!"
6. DISGUST "FUCK ME."
7. CONFUSION "WHAT THE FUCK.......?"
8. DIFFICULTY "I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS FUCKING BUSINESS!"
9. DESPAIR "FUCKED AGAIN!"
10. INCOMPETENCE "HE FUCKS UP EVERYTHING."
11. DISPLEASURE "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?"
12. LOST "WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE?"
13. DISBELIEF "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. RETALIATION "UP YOUR FUCKING ASS!"
IT CAN BE USED IN AN ANATOMICAL DESCRIPTION-"HE'S A FUCKING ASSHOLE."
IT CAN BE USED TO TELL TIME-"IT'S FIVE FUCKING THIRTY."
IT CAN BE USED IN BUSINESS-"HOW DID I WIND UP WITH THIS FUCKING JOB?"
IT CAN BE MATERNAL-AS IN "MOTHERFUCKER."
IT CAN BE CLERICAL O:) -"FUCK BILL GATES!"
AND NEVER FORGET GENERAL CUSTER'S LAST WORDS: "WHERE DID ALL THESE FUCKING
INDIANS COME FROM?"
ALSO, THE FAMOUS LAST WORDS OF THE MAYOR OF HIROSHIMA: "WHAT THE FUCK WAS
THAT?!"
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF THE CAPTAIN OF THE TITANIC, WHO
SAID: "WHERE IS ALL THIS FUCKING WATER COMING FROM?!"
The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of the word. How can
anybody be offended when you say "fuck?" use it frequently in your daily
speech it will add to your prestige.
TODAY SAY TO SOMEONE.........
"FUCK YOU!"
───
* Bronx alphabet: fuckin' A, fuckin' B, fuckin' C, ...
english.215ganta,
rec.humor.funny (moderated) #5252 Š1Ć
Date: Wed Nov 09 16:30:07 PST 1994
>From: mhariharčuceng.uc.edu (Murali Hariharan)
When the antenna of my small television in India broke, I looked up the
relevant part's number in the manual provided by the company and wrote to
them asking for a replacement.
When the package arrived, I was furious to see that they had sent Part No 699
when I had actually asked them for No 669. I shot off an angry missive to their
Public Relations Dept.
Their reply: Turn it upside-down.
english.216ndragan,
-> #211, gristic/ can quit the party. And for three, you get a certificate saying you
/ were never a member.
Ovo sam čuo '87, a pored toga sam u rasejanju video i sojavitu iz
bečeja. Dakle, ko je reko sankcije, imamo čak dva izvozna artikla.
english.217ndragan,
-> #212, gristic/ "Gee, how much does one of these weigh?"
/ Me: "It depends on how much data is on the disk....
The weight of an empty UPS is just half the weight of a full one.
english.218zonjic,
Once upon a time, there was a man who had a maddening passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had a very embarrassing
and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and
fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, He thought
to himself, "She is such a sweet and gentle girl she will never go for
this kind of carrying on." So he made the supreme sacrifice .... and
gave up beans. They were married shortly thereafter. Some months later
his car broke down on the way home from work, and since they lived in
the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because
he had to walk home. On his way, he had to walk past a cafe, and the
odor of freshly baked beans was overwhelming. Since he still had
several miles to walk, he figured that he would work off any ill effects
before he got home, so he stopped at the cafe. After three large helpings
of baked beans, he putt-putted his way home and after arriving felt
reasonably safe that he had putted his last. His wife seemed somewhat
agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I
have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight." So she blindfolded
him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. He seated himself,
and just as he was ready to remove the blindfold the telephone rang. His wife
made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she had returned, then
went to answer the telephone. He seized this opportunity, shifted his
weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a
rotten egg. He took the napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the
air about him. Things had just returned to normal when he felt another
urge coming on him and let go again. This was a true prize winner.
While keeping his ear on the conversation in the hall he went on like
this for ten minutes until he knew the phone farewells indicated the end
of his loneliness. Smiling contentedly to himself, he was the picture
of innocence when his wife returned apologizing for taking so long. She
asked if he had peeked and he, of course, assured her that he had not.
At this point she removed the blindfold and there at last was his suprise.
Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for a "Suprise Birthday Party"
for him !!!!
See ya.
Rade
english.219armitage,
Q: What's the name of Santa's wife?
A: Merry Christmas.
-*- Armitage -*-
english.220spantic,
Here is what the future could bring!!!
TCI, the nation's largest cable television company, is in talks to
launch a unique pilot project in conjunction with Pacific Gas and
Electric Co. and Microsoft Corporation to design a "smart home". The
home automation industry is expected to triple in size, from $1.7
billion this year to more than $5.1 billion by the year 2000.
Here is the diary of a future homeowner!
================
November 28, 1995
Moved in at last. Finally, we live in the smartest house in the
neighborhood. Everything's networked. The cable TV is connected to
our phone, which is connected to my PC, which is connected to the
power lines, all the appliances and the security system. Everything
runs off a universal remote with the friendliest interface I've ever
used. Programming is a snap. I'm, like, totally wired.
November 30
Hot stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the thermostat
and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely tweaked the
oven a few degrees for my pizza. Everything nice and cozy when I
arrived. Maybe I should get the the universal remote surgically
attached.
December 3
Yesterday, the kitchen crashed. Freak event. As I opened the
refigerator door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything else
electrical shut down -- lights, microwave, coffee maker -- everything!
Carefully, I unplugged and replugged all the appliances. Nothing.
Called the cable company (but not from the kitchen phone). They refer
me to the utility company. The utility insists the problem was in the
software. So the software company runs some remote telediagnostics via
my house processor.
Their expert system claims it has to be the utility's fault. I don't
care, I just weant my kitchen back. More phone calls. More remote
diagnostics.
Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode" -- the network
had never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door was open. So
the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and shut down
the entire kitchen. But because sensor memory confirmed that there
hadn't actually been a power surge, the kitchen's logic sequence was
confused so it couldn't do a standard restart.
The utility guy swears this was the first time this has ever happened.
Rebooting the kitchen took over an hour.
December 7
The police are not happy. Our house keeps calling them for help. We
discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25 decibels, it
creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified when they hit
the window. When these vibrations mix with a gust of wind, the
security sensors are actuated and the police computer concludes that
someone is trying to break in. Go figure ...
Another glitch: whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode, the
universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV. That means
I actually have to get up off the couch and change the channels by
hand. The software and the utility people say this flaw will be fixed
in the next upgrade -- SmartHouse 2.1, but it's not ready yet.
December 12
This is a nightmare. There's a virus in the house. My personal
computer caught it while browsing on the public access network. I come
home and the livingroom is a sauna, the bedroom windows are covered
with ice, the refrigerator has defrosted, the washing machine has
flooded the basement, the garage door is cycling up and down and the
TV is stuck on the Home Shopping channel. Throughout the house, lights
flicker like stroboscopes until they explode from the strain. Broken
glass is everywhere. Of course, the security sensors detect nothing.
I look at a message slowly throbbing on my PC screen: "Welcome to
HomeWrecker!!! Now the FUN begins ... (be it ever so humble, there's no
virus like HomeWrecker ...)". I get out of the house. Fast.
December 18
They think I've digitally desinfected the house but the place is a
shambles. Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure we've got
the part of the virus that attacks toilets. Nevertheless, The
Exorcists (as the anti-virus SWAT members like to call themselves) are
confident the worst is over. "HomeWrecker is pretty bad," one tells
me, "but consider yourself lucky you did'nt get Poltergeist. That one
is really evil".
December 19
Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses. "Fires and mudslides
yes," says the claims adjuster, "viruses, no."
My agreement with the SmartHouse people explicitly states that all
claims and warranties are null and void if any appliance or computer
in my house networks in any way, shape or form with a noncertified
on-line service. Everybody's very, very sorry but they can't be
expected to anticipate every virus that may be created.
We call our lawyer. He laughs. He's excited.
December 21
I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep. As a special holiday offer,
we get the free opportunity to become a beta site for the company's
new SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade. He says I'll be able to meet the programmers
personally. "Sure, I tell him"...
To Be Continued ...
english.221ganta,
Recently, Intel announced that famous Pentium processor has a bug:
when divideing non-integer numbers (FDIV instruction), error occures on the
9th decimal place.
"No big deal", one might say. However, there might be some consequences when
you get 6.0/3.0=1.999999999 on the several million machines.
Q&A: THE PENTIUM FDIV BUG
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant?
A: A mad scientist.
Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on
Pentiums?
A: The warning label.
Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.
Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply
is to:
1) Divide
2) ROUND
3) RANDOM
4) On a Pentium, all of the above
A: Number 4.
Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?
A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)
Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got
585.999983605.
Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754
and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft
designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of "IEEE"?
A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!
TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
8.9999163362 It's Close Enough, We Say So
7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
5.9999835137 Redefining the PC -- and Mathematics As Well
4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really
3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful
2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point?
1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
0.9999999998 The Errata Inside
english.222inesic,
Ode žena u pet shop da kupi čuvarkuću. Pita prodavca
-Pošto vam ovaj šarplaninac?
-600 DEM.
-A ovaj vučjak?
-300 DEM.
-A ovaj maleni tamo?
-4000 DEM.
-4000 DEM?!?!? Pa kakav je to pas?
-To vam je specijalna rasa, kung fu bul terijer, posebno
trenirana za čuvarkuću. Pogledajte! Kung fu bul terijer -
bandera!
I džukac istrči na ulicu rasturi banderu, pojede je, i vrati se
na mesto.
-A je l' može on to i sa vratima?
-Naravno. Kung fu bul terijer - vrata!
Džukac skoči, rasturi vrata, pojede ih, i vrati se na mesto.
čena oduševljena, vadi 4000DEM i nosi kera kući. Dočekuje je muž.
-Šta ti je to?
-Kupila sam psa da nam čuva kuću.
-To malo da nam čuva kuću?! Kolko si ga platila?
-4000DEM.
-4000DEM?!?!?!?! Pa ti nisi normalna, ćurko jedna, za ovo malo da
daš 4000DEM.
-Nemoj tako, to je specijalna rasa. Kung fu bul terijer.
-Ma, kung fu bul terijer, moj kurac.
english.223ganta,
>> **** ŠPreneto sa soc.culture.italian, samo za dobru upotrebuĆ ****
>> Predmet: FYI: MICROSOFT and the Vatican Date: 6 Dec 1994 18:33:28 GMT
MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
By Hank Vorjes
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square
this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond
software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an
unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes
through, it will be the first time a computer software company has ac-
quired a major world religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-
president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while
MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be
invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.
"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten
years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic
Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader
range of people."
Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will
make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the
popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said
Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution --
even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."
A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro
language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically
while you are away from your computer.
An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square,
watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as
Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satel-
lite to 700 sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided
Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd
roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.
The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the
Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as
Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff chal-
lenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellec-
tual properties.
"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures,"
said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the
Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the
scene."
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common
Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in
marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father
Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market
share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to
offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.
Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor,
leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and enter-
ing into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all
subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to
use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but
the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission
is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of
"a computer on every desktop and in every home".
Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable reli-
gious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A
single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according
to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implemen-
tations," said Gates.
The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, accord-
ing to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference,
as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasing-
ly competitive religious market.
english.224mmitrovic,
Ne znam da l' je bilo, a i nema veze. Elem,
Q: šta peva plavuša svom dečku?
A: "All in all, you're just another dick in the hole."
____________________
Hint: P.Floyd "Wall"
english.225gristic,
Kako ljudi na Internetu trace ;) svoje (i tudje) vreme...
(Tune: The Twelve Days of Christmas)
/*
AN ELECTRONIC CHRISTMAS/CHANUKAH CARD TO ALL
Lyrics: Evan Leibovitch <evančtelly.on.ca>
Code: Beverly Erlebacher <erlebachčcs.toronto.edu>
This code is in the public domain.
*/
#include <stdio.h>
#define DEFAULT_HOLIDAY "CHRISTMAS/CHANUKAH"
#define DAYS_OF_NEGLECT 12
char headingŠĆ = "AN ELECTRONIC %s CARD TO ALLĐnĐnĐ
Lyrics: Evan Leibovitch <evančtelly.on.ca>ĐnĐ
Code: Beverly Erlebacher <erlebachčcs.toronto.edu>ĐnĐnĐ
Dedicated to Dave Mason, Chris Siebenmann, and anyone who's leftĐnĐ
their computers alone just long enough for them to self-destruct:ĐnĐnĐ
(Sung to the tune of something or other...)ĐnĐn";
char * cardinalŠĆ = š"And a", "Two", "Three", "Four", "Five",
"Six", "Seven", "Eight", "Nine", "Ten", "Eleven", "Twelve"ć;
char * ordinalŠĆ = š"first", "second", "third", "fourth", "fifth", "sixth",
"seventh", "eighth", "ninth", "tenth", "eleventh", "twelfth",
"thirteenth"ć;
char * itemŠĆ = š "burnt-out V.D.T.", "faulty tapes;",
"heads crashed;", "bad blocks;", "core dumps;", "bad controllers; ",
"blown partitions;", "gettys dying;", "floppies frying;",
"ports a-jamming;", "chips a-smoking;", "boards a-blowing;" ć;
char daystrŠĆ = "ĐnOn the %s day I left it, my Unix gave to me:Đn";
char finaleŠĆ =
"ĐnOn the %s day I started adapting my Nintendo for the VL bus.Đn";
main(argc, argv)
int argc;
char *argvŠĆ;
š
int i, j;
printf(heading, argc > 1 ? argvŠ1Ć : DEFAULT_HOLIDAY);
for (i = 0; i < DAYS_OF_NEGLECT; i++) š
printf(daystr, ordinalŠiĆ);
if (i == 0)
printf("ĐtA %sĐn", itemŠiĆ);
else for (j = i; j >= 0; j--)
printf("Đt%s %sĐn", cardinalŠjĆ, itemŠjĆ);
ć
printf(finale, ordinalŠDAYS_OF_NEGLECTĆ);
exit(0);
ć
───
* Jesus Christ is the answer. Now, what was your question?
english.226gristic,
THE TWELVE BUGS OF CHRISTMAS - Author Unknown
(Tune: The Twelve Days of Christmas)
For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
Š...Ć
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
───
* "Dyslexic Christian sells soul to Santa... News at 11"
english.227gristic,
(Tune: The Twelve Days of Christmas)
/* here is the same 12-days of Xmas,
in a little more compact form.
Merry Christmas... Arlin
*/
#include <stdio.h>
int xmas(daze)
int daze;
š static char *daythŠĆ=š"first","second","third","fourth","fifth","sixth",
"seventh","eighth","ninth","tenth","eleventh","twelfth"ć;
if (daze>1) xmas(daze-1);
printf("ĐnĐnFor the %s bug of Christmas, ",daythŠdaze-1Ć);
printf("my manager said to meĐn");
switch (daze) š
case 12: printf(" Tell them it's a featureĐn");
case 11: printf(" Say it's not supportedĐn");
case 10: printf(" Change the documentationĐn");
case 9: printf(" Blame it on the hardwareĐn");
case 8: printf(" Find a way around itĐn");
case 7: printf(" Say they need an upgradeĐn");
case 6: printf(" Reinstall the softwareĐn");
case 5: printf(" Ask for a dumpĐn");
case 4: printf(" Run with the debuggerĐn");
case 3: printf(" Try to reproduce itĐn");
case 2: printf(" Ask them how they did it andĐn");
case 1: printf(" See if they can do it again.Đn");
ć;
return;
ć
main() š xmas(12); ć
/* ********************** */
───
* "Hi, my Goldfish looks just like yours!"
english.228gristic,
THE PROGRAMMER'S TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
(Tune: The Twelve Days of Christmas)
On the first day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
A cartridge in a P.C.
On the second day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Two paper tapes
And a cartridge in a P.C.
. . . . . . . . .
On the twelfth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Twelve plotters plotting,
Eleven printers grinding,
Ten punches jamming,
Nine nixies blinking,
Eight drums a-spinning,
Seven screens a-scrolling,
Six mice a-clicking,
Five write rings,
Four coding sheets,
Three punch cards,
Two paper tapes,
And a cartridge in a P.C.
───
* "Honey, what's 'Formatting Drive C:' mean?"
english.229gristic,
IRAQI REPUBLICAN GUARD CHRISTMAS
(Tune: The Twelve Days of Christmas)
On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
A knife with a very sharp blade.
On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Two hand grenades,
And a knife with a very sharp blade.
Š...Ć
On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Eleven tons of nerve gas,
Ten nuclear submarines,
Nine cans of mace,
Eight bayonets,
Seven electric cattle prods,
Six Molotov cocktails,
Five stick of dy-no-miiiiite,
Four Tommy guns,
Three M-16's,
Two hand grenades,
And a knife with a very sharp blade.
ON THE 12TH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME:
TWELVE NUCLEAR HOLOCASTS... (large explosion)
───
* FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
english.230gristic,
(Tune: The Twelve Days of Christmas)
On the twelfth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me...
(A) 12-Pack of Bud
11 Rasslin' Tickets
(A) TIN (of) Copenhagen
9 Years Probation
8 Table Dancers
7 Packs of Redman
6 Cans of Spam
5 Flannel shirts
4 Mud grip tires
3 Shotgun shells
2 Huntin' dogs
And some parts to a Mustang GT.
───
* ERR92012: Fatal Error Using Mouse. Replace and Bury Operator.
english.231gristic,
THE TWELVE GIFTS OF CHRISTMAS - By Alan Shepard
(Tune: The Twelve Days of Christmas)
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A Japanese transistor radio.
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Green polka-dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
(It's a Nakashuma.)
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
Green polka-dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
(It's the Mark IV model. That's the one that's discontinued.)
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A simulated alligator wallet,
A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
Green polka-dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
(And it comes in a leatherette case with holes in it,
so you can listen right through the case.)
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A statue of a lady, with a clock where her stomach ought to be,
A simulated alligator wallet,
A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
Green polka-dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
(And it has a wire with a thing on one end that you
can stick in your ear, and a thing on the other end
that you can't stick anywhere, because it's bent.)
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A hammered aluminum nutcracker,
And all that other stuff,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A pink satin pillow that says San Diego, with fringe all around it,
And all that other stuff,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
An indoor plastic birdbath,
And all that other stuff,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A pair of teakwood shower clogs,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A chromium combination manicure scissors and cigarette lighter,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
An automatic vegetable slicer that works when you see it on television,
but not when you get it home,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, although it may seem strange,
On the twelfth day of Christmas, I'm going to exchange:
An automatic vegetable slicer that works when you see it on television,
but not when you get it home,
A chromium combination manicure scissors and cigarette lighter,
A pair of teakwood shower clogs,
An indoor plastic birdbath,
A pink satin pillow that says San Diego, with fringe all around it,
A hammered aluminum nutcracker,
A statue of a lady, with a clock where her stomach ought to be,
A simulated alligator wallet,
A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
Green polka-dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
───
* From the Department of Redundancy Dept.