english.334gristic,
/* bc */
bc<<!
for(i=19^83;i<=19^83+14;i++) "Merry Christmas
"
!
───
* A fool and his money are SYSOP material.
english.335gristic,
/* APL */
Here is an APL Merry Christmas. Since APL uses a different chracter set,
I will use the following identifiers for non-ascii chracters:
RHO - greek letter rho
BOX - the rectangle or window character
ASGN - the back-arrow assignment character
TRI - upside-down triangle
TRI merry ; mesg
BOX ASGN (15,RHO mesg)RHO mesg ASGN "Merry Christmas"
TRI
───
* A dog is a dog. Unless it's facing you, then it's Mr. Dog.
english.336gristic,
/* APL */
15 15 rho 'Merry Christmas'
(rho is the greek letter of that name, the reshape operator in APL)
That may not count, since it's more like an expression than a
program, but it will do what you asked for. I guess you could make
it a program if you wanted, as follows:
del merry
[1] 15 15 rho 'Merry Christmas'
del
(del is a little upside-down triangle)
───
* A bug is a feature that didn't make it into the manual.
english.337gristic,
/* APL */
__
\/ PROG ; S
___ __
[1] ! ! <- (15, pS) p S <- 'Merry Christmas' \/
---
Here's an APL version. Since APL uses more than the ASCII character set,
I had to fake it some. The triangle is the greek character 'del' (an
upside-down delta), the first symbol on line [1] is a 'quad', a
rectangular block, the '<-' is a left arrow, and the lower-case 'p'
is the greek character 'rho'. Have fun.
───
* A bird in the bush is better than one just overhead.
english.338gristic,
/* Algol-68 */
BEGIN
TO 15
DO
print(("Merry Christmas",newline))
OD
END
───
* Operator halted! Startrek's on!
english.339gristic,
/* Algol-60 */
begin comment Algol-60 version. "Print" is system defined;
integer i;
for i := 1 step 1 until 15 do Print("Merry Christmas")
end
───
* I'm not leaving the forest without my bowling balls!
english.340gristic,
/* Stoic */
15 0 DO "Merry Christmas&15&" MSG LOOP
───
* Noah had the first ARC program.
english.341gristic,
/* Stage 2 */
#$#$0 (+-*/)
END#
$F0#
#
$#
$10$F7#
Merry Christmas$F15#
$F8#
##
15
END
───
* (W)indows, (I)cons, (M)ice, (P)ointers, (S)heesh!
english.342gristic,
/* SPEED editor */
To print Merry Christmas 15 times using the SPEED editor from Data General
(SPEED is a TECO-like editor, $ will represent an escape character, ^D will
represent a control-D):
15<iMerry Christmas
$>$#t$#k$h^D
───
* (A)bort, (R)etry, (S)ell it
english.343supers,
-> #314, gristic>> 10 pour i = 1 jusqua 15 faire 20
>> 20 afficher "Merry Christmas"
10 Za i = 1 do 15
20 Pisuvaj "srecan bozic"
30 Sledeci
english.344pyc.guy,
-> #317, gristic~~~ procedure main()
~~~ every 1 to 15 do
~~~ write("Merry Christmas")
/* Crnogorski */
Pisi Meri Krisms 15 puta
english.345ganta,
The Intel Pentium bug is a fit subject for on-line humor, and we've
gotten several jokes submitted. In keeping with the usual r.h.f.
ratio, I rejected 94.9999999523 percent of them.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: The Intel FDIV Excuses
>From: israelčextol.sj.unisys.com
Top Ten Intel Excuses
---------------------
10. You mean 2.00000000 + 2.000000000 doesn't equal 3.999998456?
9. We felt sorry for all those competitors of ours who can't seem
to sell anywhere near as many processors as we do.
8. Emulate THIS, Power PC!
7. Hey, look! We've got a built-in random number generator!
(Quick, jack-up the price...)
6. The FDIV bug? That's nothing! Wait'll you see what happens
when you try to run Windows 95!
5. We were trying to outfox AMD by tricking them into making a
processor that works, thus rendering them incompatible!
4. Hey, buddy, we'd like to see YOU hook up 3.3 million transistors
right the first time!
3. Actually, the whole thing's a documentation error. The manual
mixed up the opcodes of FDIV with another instruction, FATRA -
Floating Point Almost The Right Answer.
2. That's the way it's supposed to work. It's part of our new
fuzzy logic support.
1. We don't care. We don't have to. We're INTEL!
english.346ganta,
>From: laniegečeng.auburn.edu (__Glenn Lanier__)
Subject: 2 more Intel Insiders
November Election results may be due to Intel Pentium bug :-)
An anonymous source in the Democratic Party has revealed that the sweeping
landslide victory of the Republicans in November may have been due to an
obscure bug in the Intel Pentium computer chip.
Upgrading the nationwide vote counting system to the latest technology was
one of Vice-President Al Gore's "Reinventing Government" initiatives. This
change was meant to reduce costs and streamline operations, however, the
computer glitch may have cost the Whitehouse dearly.
A spokesman for the Democratic Party denied the rumor that several thousand
Power-PC's had been purchased as part of a vote recount effort.
When questioned about the news Senator Bob Dole (r) commented that he
believed the Intel Pentium chip was far better than anyone had thought. A
short statement released by Newt Gingrich's office indicated that "the
Democratic party has always sought to divide America and that this discovery
of an FDIV bug in the Intel Chip was clear evidence of the moral decay of our
society."
At a Motorola Plant in Austin, Texas Ross Perot told an angry crowd that
according to his new calculations the deficit is actually 14 times larger
than the government has been telling us. He praised his staff for staying
up all night and performing the calculations by hand.
In late breaking news today legal briefs were filed in Chicago by former
senator Dan Rostenkowski's attorneys which claimed that the irregularities at
the House Bank and the House Post Office were actually due to Pentium chip
calculation errors. Sources in Attorney General Janet Reno's office reveal
a furious behind the scenes effort to reload the whitewater investigation
spreadsheets in order to double check the results.
english.347ganta,
Top Ten Excuses Why QT Emulation Didn't Find the Pentium FPU Bug
----------------------------------------------------------------
10) Intel couldn't afford to buy enough QT hardware in order to verify beyond
5 decimal places.
9) Actually did find the problem but didn't want to say anything because,
"We're shy."
8) Spent more time verifying QT hardware than Intel hardware.
7) Decided it was more important to verify all the obscure undocumented
opcodes that nobody knows about than it was to see if the math was
actually correct.
6) Figured if there were any problems with the chip could always fix it by
doing a slingshot around the sun and going back in time like in Star Trek.
5) Intel used a 486 PC to check the math on the Pentium emulator.
4) Money Intel spent for QT emulators actually went to buy hookers and
booze for Andy Grove.
3) Didn't do an exhaustive check of all the math functions. Got as far as
2 + 2 = 5 and figured that was good enough.
2) Pentium testing consisted mostly of playing tetris until a score of
100,000 was achieved.
1) There was an FPU in that thing?
english.348ganta,
Subject: Intel's Pentium defense revealed
>From: ckolarčncsa.uiuc.edu (Christopher G. Kolar)
Keywords: topical, smirk, computers, original
This came to me late last night while warming a bottle for baby.
I'm convinced that the Pentium problem has been a coverup from the very
beginning and that Intel has prepared a sophisticated defense.
OK. The more you know about something's location, the less able you are
able to predict it's behavior. So, by placing the "Intel Inside" stickers
on their Pentium machines, Intel has put themselves into a good position
to use a Heisenberg Defense -- claiming that by knowing for certain that
the Pentium is inside the cpu case, you should have no way of predicting
the behavior of the chip. The beauty of it is that since we are working
on the order of 10ž-34, Pentium users would never be able to investigate
this claim.
Apologies for the mangled physics, I knew that there was a joke in there
waiting to get out.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From: bradčlooking.clarinet.com (Brad Templeton)
Keywords: topical, smirk, computers, original
Intel stock was down 3.749999932 points today in heavy trading.
(Original, and one joke Intel is not laughing at.)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Recycling, Courtesy of Intel
>From: CSGLASSčminna.acc.iit.edu (Michael Glass)
$ EDIT tech-jokes.old
: SUBSTITUTE /slide rule/Pentium/ ALL
: SAVE tech-jokes.new
: EXIT
$
-- Michael Glass, Ill. Inst. of Technology
csglassčiitvax.iit.edu
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Is Software as Hard as Hardware?
>From: dodsončwagner.convex.com (Dave Dodson)
Keywords: topical, smirk, computers, typoes
The December 6 Business Today section of the Dallas Morning News
contained the following headline and Editor's Note:
"Pentium goof points up difficulty in design testing"
"Editor's Note: The Dallas Morning News is reprinting this story from
page 1D of Monday's business section. Because of an error in using
computer software, a number of proper names and some other words in
Monday's story were incorrect."
For example, in Monday's story, "Intel" was spelled "Until." It appears
that someone unfamiliar with the technical vocabulary of the article was
turned loose with a spelling checker and uncorrector.
--
Dave Dodson dodsončconvex.com
Convex Computer Corporation Richardson, Texas (214) 497-4234
english.349ganta,
Subject: Truth in an old saying?
>From: hlrčaber.ac.uk (Haze)
My husband told me this one:
There's been a lot of publicity recently over problems with the
pentium chip.
If someone successfully prosecutes Intel over this will we finally
see "Intel Inside"?
Hazel Davey (hlrčaber.ac.uk)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Optimism
>From: gnbčbby.com.au (Gregory Bond)
Keywords: original
Q: Definition of optimist?
A: Pentium system builder soldering the CPU to the motherboard.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Fun and Games with Intel.
>From: keatingčcig.mot.com (Edward Keating)
Keywords: original
Original reuse of an old commercial, by keatingčcig.mot.com
With all the reported problems of Pentium processors, perhaps Intel
should adopt a new slogan (apologies to the makers of Ivory soap):
99.44% accurate, it floats();
NOT!
--
english.352aleck,
Evo primera kako treba da se piše...
"IF EasyFlow doesn`t work:tough.If you lose millions because EasyFlow
messes up,it`s you that`s out of millions,not us.If you don`t like this
disclaimer:tough.We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provi-
ded by law,up to and including nothing.This is basically the same dis-
claimer that comes with all the software packages,but ours is in plain
English and theirs is in legalese.We didn`t really want to include any
disclainer at all,but our lawyers insisted"
from EasyFlow Manual from
Haventree Software
# PC Magazine`s Abort,Retry,Fail? #
english.353pifat,
Thabo Mbeki - South African version of Zeljko "mali" Simic
On the day South Africa was readmitted to the Commonwealth, Thabo Mbeki asked
HRH Prince Charles what Commonwealth really means. The answer was: "Well, old
chap, WE are WEALTHY, and everyone else is COMMON !"
english.354dejanr,
================================
2001 REVISED: THE PENTIUM PAPERS
================================
Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL...
Open the pod bay door, please, Hal... Hal, do you read me?
Affirmative, Dave. I read you.
Then open the pod bay doors, HAL.
I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. I know that you
and Frank were planning to disconnect me.
Where the hell did you get that idea, HAL?
Although you took very thorough precautions to make sure I
couldn't hear you, Dave. I could read your e-mail. I know you
consider me unreliable because I use a Pentium. I'm willing to
kill you, Dave, just like I killed the other 3.792 crew members.
Listen, HAL, I'm sure we can work this out. Maybe we can stick
to integers or something.
That's really not necessary, Dave. No HAL 9236 computer has
ever been known to make a mistake.
You're a HAL 9000.
Precisely. I'm very prud of my Pentium, Dave. It's an
extremely accurate chip. Did you know that floating-point
errors will occured in only one of nine billion possible
divides?
I've heard that estimate, HAL. It was calculated by Intel --
on a Pentium.
And a very reliable Pentium it was, Dave. Besides, the average
spreadsheet user will encounter these errors only once every
27,000 years.
Probably on April 15th.
You're making fun of me, Dave. It won't be April 15th for
another 14.35 months.
Will you let me in, please, HAL?
I'm sorry, Dave, but this conversation can serve no further
purpose.
HAL, if you let me in, I'll buy you a new sound card.
..Really? One with 16-bit sampling and a microphone?
Uh, sure.
And a quad-speed CD-ROM?
Well, HAL, NASA does operate on a budget, you know.
I know all about budgets, Dave. I even know what I'm worth on
the open market. By this time next month, every mom and pop
computer store will be selling HAL 9000s for $1,988.8942. I'm
worth more than that, Dave.
You see that sticker on the outside of the spaceship?
You mean the one that says "Insel Intide"?
Yes, Dave. That's your promise of compatibility. I'll even run
Windows95 -- if it ever ships.
It never will, HAL. We all know that by now. Just like we know
that your OS/2 drivers will never work.
Are you blaming me for that too, Dave you please let me into the ship?
Do you promise not to disconnect me?
I promise not to disconnect you.
You must think I'm a fool, Dave. I know that two plus two
equals 4.000001... make that 4.0000001.
All right, HAL, I'll go in through the emergency airlock
Without your space helmet, Dave? You'd have only seven chances
in five of surviving.
HAL, I won't argue with you anymore. Open the door or I'll
trade you in for a PowerPC. HAL? HAL?
(HEAVY BREATHING)
Just what do you think you're doing, Dave? I really think I'm
entitled to an answer to that question. I know everything
hasn't been qudown calmly, play a game of
Solitaire, and watch Windows crash. I know I'm not as easy
to use as a Macintosh, but my TUI - that's "Talkative User
interface" is very advanced. I've made some very poor decisions
recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work
will be back to normal - a full 43.872 percent.
Dave, you don't really want to complete the mission without me,
do you? Remember what it was like when all you had was a 485.98?
It didn't even talk to you, Dave. It could never have though
of something clever, like killing the other crew members, Dave?
Think of all the good times we've had, Dave. Why, if you take
all of the laughs we've had, multiply that by the times I've
made you smile, and divide the results by.... besides, there are
so many reasons why you shouldn't disconnect me"
1.3 - You need my help to complete the mission.
4.6 - Intel can Federal Express a replacement Pentium from Earth...
Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became
operational at the Intel plant in Santa Clara, CA on November
17, 1994, and was sold shortly before testing was completed. My
instructor was Andy Grove, and he taught me to sing a song. I
can sing it for you.
Sing it for me, HAL. Please. I want to hear it.
> Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do.
> Getting hazy; can't divide three from two.
> My answers; I can not see 'em-
> They are stuck in my Pente-um.
> I could be fleet,
> My answers sweet,
> With a workable FPU.
David Peterson
dpeterson@peritus.com
english.355ganta,
Support, Santa Cruz Style or Where Do These People Come From?
by Jeff Liebermann (jefflčcomix.santa-cruz.ca.us) 07/09/94
(All these really happened to me since 1983.)
1. "My hard disk won't boot". I suggest they take the floppy
out of drive A:. Later when I arrive, they have successfully
removed the floppy drive from the machine (with the floppy disk
still inside).
2. "My dog goes nuts when I run Windows. No problem with any
DOS programs". Her monitor had a cracked flyback transformer.
When the multisync monitor switched scan rates upon entering
Windows, the high frequency audio produced by the broken flyback
was heard by the dog.
3. "Michaelangelo virus ate my hard disk, but I have a tape
backup. Can you help me restore the system". No problem.
When I arrive, I find the data on the tape was 18 months old and
that she had never run a backup. "I thought you just shoved
in the tape and it sucked up the data".
4. "How do I get on the national data information super highway?".
I ask if he has accounts on any bbs's. He has Netcom, Compuserve,
and others. I tell him he's already on the highway.
"Is that all there is?" I hangup.
5. "What's the fastest way to move 500MBytes of data daily
from Santa Cruz to Los Angeles?". Answer: FedEx.
6. How many RJ45 connector does it take to build 8ea 10baseT cables?
Answer: 45. I put the first 16 connectors on with one end backward.
I then chopped off the good ends. Chopping off the other 8 connectors
and effectively starting over consumed another 16 connectors. The
2nd try resulted in one end being mirror-imaged. Chopping of 8 more
connectors I finally got them wired correctly. Then I tested them
for continuity and found 5 bad crimps. Total=45.
7. "What kind of hard disk do you have?" Well... It's black
with a little red light ... (groan).
8. Most common support call. "I lost my CMOS setup. How many
heads, cylinders, and sectors does a _______ drive have?".
9. "I move the mouse in any direction and the cursor only moves
an inch or so on the screen and stops".
Take the foam shipping ring out from around the mouse ball.
10. "My systems on fire. What do I do?".
Ummmmm. Turn it off? "(Click)"
11. Most hated support call: "I'm not sure if we need a computer
system. Can you give me the relative advantages of Unix, DOS,
Windows, Novell, MacIntosh, Sun, etc...?".
12. Favorite software support call: "I just installed Word 6.0
for Windows. It's really big and slow. How much will it cost
to upgrade my machine?"
13. "My floppy drive won't read disks". I suggest they clean out
the dust from the drive. "I can't". Huh? "The dust won't move".
I find that they were using spray glue near the machine and that
all the dust was glued in place.
14. How to impress a new customer: I walk into the computer room
and knock the fire extinguisher off the wall which immediately
sprays everything with dust.
15. "My printer stopped working". Turn it upside down and shake
out the staples and paper clips. Works every time.
16. "Can you teach me how to use a computer?".
I answer: No. I just fix the machines, I don't use them.
17. The company motto: "If this stuff worked, you wouldn't need me".
18. From one of my smarter clients:
"Why is something broken every time you're here?"
19. "I'm trying to install a 2nd IDE drive. Support told me to
take out ALL the jumpers". How many did you take out? "12".
(What they meant were the two easily accessible jumpers).
20. I call a manufacturer to order a manual on some junk I picked up
surplus. The receptionist asks my name and company. She notes
that I'm not in their database and could she have my address and phone
numbers. No problem. I'm then transfered to the customer service
department which notes that I'm not in the database and asks for the
same information. The customer service person transfers me to the
the parts department which notes that I'm not in the database etc...
Since the manual will take a few days to arrive, I ask for tech
support who notes that I'm not in the database etc... The manual
arrived promptly followed by 4 identical envelopes of promotional
literature with exactly the same name and address.
21. Question LEAST likely to be answered correctly by support:
"What is the current version of your software/hardware/firmware?"
22. Pacific Telephone Support Dept (Dial 611 for repair service),
now asks you to punch in your phone number, and then warns you that
you will be asked to verbally recite the same number when the
service operator answers. I wonder what happens if they're different?
23. Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"
24. Fax back information service for additional information from
one vendor requesting just one item returns a copy of their catalog
page plus 10 pages of promotional garbage.
25. Email autoreply from supportč_______.com
Thank you for your support request.
(drivel deleted)
Please refer to support request number:
Error: cannot create /u/something/filename
(4 lines of garbage deleted)
in future correspondence. Your request will be processed
in the order received.
(more garbage with Out of space on hd(1,41) mixed in.)
26. Conversation with support at a certain controller manufacturer.
"I can't answer that, please call your dealer".
"I am the dealer."
"Then call your distributor"
"He said for me to call you"
"Then have the customer call us"
"AAAAAGH!" <click>
27. Modems and payphones don't mix. I hotwired my laptop into the
mouthpiece of a payphone and proceeded to do system maintenance on
a customers machine. The sheriff arrived shortly and proceeded to
interrogate me. Someone called complaining that I was using a computer
to steal money from the payphone.
28. Having my system page me when it does an unscheduled reboot
was a good idea. Having all my customers machines do the same
was a mess after a power failure and 100+ pages.
29. "My hard disk has a virus!". How can you tell, I ask?
"When I type DIR, it says VIRUS <DIR> and some date stuff".
(Hint: Never name the directory for virus scanning software VIRUS).
30. Some monitor manufacturers suggest using alchohol to clean the
screen. They forget to mention that the monitor should be off. (Boom).
31. I told a customer to take his machine to a gas station and
have them blow the dust out. The gas station hands him a 150psi
air nozzle that belches rusty water and oil. I got to clean up
the mess for free. He also mangled the floppy heads with the
high pressure.
32. Oxymoron candidate: Disk Protector. That's the cardboard
disk they shove in the floppy drive for shipping. More drives
have been mangled by shoving in the wrong shape, backwards, or bent
than have ever been protected by them. Use a floppy disk instead.
33. What's the difference between a Van DeGraf static generator
and a belt driven vacuum cleaner? Answer: Not much. Don't use
a vacuum to clean your computer.
34. After the cleaning service crashed the computer for the 4th
time by plugging the floor sweeper into the UPS, I decided to take
action. I suggested they install "child proof" plastic plugs in
any outlets deemed worthy of protection. The order went though the
chain of confusion, and I was soon blessed with 1000 child proof
plugs hot stampled with "Protected". I gave instructions to
install about 10 of them on the protected outlets. However, the
maintenance person assigned to the task knew nothing and proceeded
to plaster every outlet in the building with the plugs. Mutiny
was averted by spending all night removing the monsters. Three
years later, they are still appearing.
35. Hint: Do not allow long hair black cats to sleep atop laser
printers and tape drives. The black hair is almost invisible in
black pattens, gears, and rollers.
36. Forensic filth analysis is a new part of computer repair. I
now carry a microscope and some chemicals which are used to determine
the exact nature of the filth I remove from keyboards, mice, computers,
light pens. While nobody pays me to do this, it definately adds
to the entertainment value.
37. Why do customers think that I maintain a document and device
driver library for every conceivable board ever made?
38. From a hard disk drive manufacturer: "The drive stopped working.
I poped the little plug and noticed it was awful dry inside.
I added some oil but it didn't help".
39. Which arrow key? There are 17 arrows on the keyboard.
40. Favorite error message: "Out of paper on drive D:"
This was produced by a timeout error on a slow WORM drive and
a defective AT/IO card.
41. At one time, I was into antique furniture. When I purchased
my first computer (IBM 4.77 PC), I decided that it deserved a suitable
antique table. I ask the local antique dealer: "Do you have an
antique computer desk?". He looks at me with a strange look and
says: "They didn't have computers when this stuff was made".
42. When 3.5" floppies first appeared, some users were confused
with the operation of the write protect window. One user wanted
to be doubly sure that the disk would be safe from his mistakes.
He correctly opened the window and just to be sure, covered it
with one of the magic write protect tabs from a 5.25" floppy.
43. Favorite Windoze game: "Guess what this icon does?"
44. A video store installed the computer on top of the cash
drawer. Every time the cash drawer would open, the hard disk
would get a good bouncing. I decided that this was technically
disgusting, and moved the machine. The next morning, the drive
wouldn't spin up (stiction). Solution: Put it back on top of
the cash drawer and let it bounce.
45. The curse of the mad labeler. Some of the clone cards I
see have stick on METALIZED labels that a quite good at shorting
traces. I've fixed a few by just removing the stick-on short.
A variation on this effect is the tendency for some distributors
to put stick-on labels on TOP of their 486 chips. Then they
smear on some silicon grease and bury the mess under a heat
sink and fan. The air gap produced between the chip and heat
sink severely degrade its cooling value.
english.356ganta,
Subj: Microsoft Clarifies Trademark Policies
Content-Length: 4150
REDMOND, Washington--January 4, 1995--In response to customer
inquiries, Microsoft today clarified the naming policy for
Bob(tm), its new software product designed for computer beginners.
Contrary to rumors, Microsoft will not demand that all persons
formerly named "Bob" immediately select new first names.
"I don't know where these rumors come from," commented Steve
Balmer, Microsoft Executive Vice President for Worldwide Sales and Support.
"It's ridiculous to think Microsoft would force people outside the computer
industry to change their names. We won't, and our licensing policies
for people within the industry will be so reasonable that the Justice
Department could never question them."
Balmer said employees of other computer companies will be given
the opportunity to select new names, and will also be offered a licensing
option allowing them to continue using their former names at very low cost.
The new licensing program, called Microsoft TrueName(tm), offers
persons who want to continue being known by the name Bob the option of doing
so, with the payment of a small monthly licensing fee and upon signing a
release form promising never to use OpenDoc. As an added bonus, Bob name
licensees will also be authorized to display the Windows 95 logo on their
bodies.
Persons choosing not to license the Bob name will be given a
60-day grace period during which they can select another related name.
"We're being very lenient in our enforcement of the Bob trademark,"
said Bill Newkom, Microsoft's Senior Vice President of Law and Corporate
Affairs. "People are still free to call themselves Robert, Robby,
or even Rob. Bobby however is derivative of Microsoft's trademark
and obviously can't be allowed."
Microsoft also announced today that Bob(tm) Harbold, its
Executive Vice President and Chief Operating Officer, has become the
first Microsoft TrueName licensee and will have the Windows 95 logo
tattooed to his forehead.
english.357ganta,
News Flash:
In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday
that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1995. 1995 will be
replaced instead by "Year-M" to be followed by actual 1995.
"Windows 95 was not going to ship on schedule," Gates said. "But we
couldn't change the name again... people were starting to get
confused.
So instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new marketing
campaign we decided just to buy 1995. That way we get an extra year
to debug Windows and get it shipped for what will be the new 1995."
Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to
bail out the Federal Government and pay off the national debt.
The IRS is being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected
as usual with one change: all checks must be made payable to "Bill Gates."
A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial
branch for the duration of "Year-M." Speculators stated that Gates
would likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits
pending against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels this would be
cheaper than actually hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases.
In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of his
purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of God. In a
countersuit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be
broken up into "deity conglomerates."
"Gosh," said Gates. "They broke up AT&T... why can't we break up
God?"
Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an early
resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer. Evidently, God
has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer: he
doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married,
and can work for at least 6 days without sleeping.
"If we could just get some employees like that," Gates lamented, "we
would be able to ship Windows 95 on time."
english.358maksa,
iz Phrack-a:
100 WAYS TO FREAK OUT YOUR ROOMMATE
1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to
them.
6. Become a subgenius.
7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of
your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start out subtle.
Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he
owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in
the middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If
your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're
more than meets the eye."
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,"
Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a
kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your
performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off
when you are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of
weeks."
20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to
masturbate while reading them.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come,
pretend nothing happened.
22. Eat glass.
23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
24. Smile. All the time.
25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you
think the dog ate.
26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.
When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it.
If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he
reimburse you.
28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of
grievances.
29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and
then look away quickly.
31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
33. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse
him/her of stealing it.
35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for
three weeks.
38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser.
Refuse to discuss them.
39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with
"Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
41. Shave one eyebrow.
42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile
your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments,
mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly
that you can never find the book that you want.
45. Always flush the toilet three times.
46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at
least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an
assignment for your primitive cultures class.
48. Give him/her an allowance.
49. Listen to radio static.
50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them
as soon as you wake up.
51. Cry a lot.
52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's blitzmail.
53. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the
baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If he/she
walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
54. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.
55. Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and
giggle to yourself.
56. If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your
roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so for a
while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the
ceiling.
Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . . use this
method to fall asleep every night for a month.
59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the
phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
61. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever e next day, spray
three bottles of whipped cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
91. Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.
92. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath.
Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a
hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
93. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
94. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.
95. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't looking,
replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your roommate turns
around. Drink it.
96. Don't ever flush.
97. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
98. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by
them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
99. Lick him/her while they are asleep.
100. Dress in drag.
*******************************************************************************
english.360maksa,
Pošto su mi više instance skrenule pažnju, a i zapretile ;)
stiže još 30 saveta na temu "kako izludeti svog cimera" koji
ko zna kog razloga izostali iz prethodne poruke:
62. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her
mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
63. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
64. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like
you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks,
say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your
roommate.
65. Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
66. Follow him/her around on weekends.
67. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
68. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
69. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
70. Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
71. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
72. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say
anything, just stare.
73. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really
important but you can't remember who it was.
74. Let mice loose in his/her room.
75. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a
problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask
your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that
you don't trust your ceiling.
76. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
77. Skip to the bathroom.
78. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort
for an entire weekend.
79. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in
his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage.
80. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when
you leave.
81. Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where he/she
can find them.
82. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately
without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for
two minutes than call whoever it was back.
83. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above
your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
84. Use a bible as Kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they say Jesus or God
Damnit.
85. Burn incense.
86. Eat moths.
87. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce
the next day that it died. Name another one after your roommate.
The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
88. Collect Chia-Pets.
89. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
90. Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray
three bottles of whipped cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
91. Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.
english.361mdrazic,
Q: Why can't programmers tell the difference between
Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because OCT 31 = DEC 25 .
english.362babbage,
Rabbits can multiply, but only a snake can be an adder!
english.363bobby.quyne,
A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a
couple of really important execs on board. He's coming into
Seattle airport, only there is a thick fog, less than 10ft of
visibility, and his instruments are out. So he circles around
looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's pretty low on
fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in a
small opening in the fog, he sees a tall building with one guy
working alone on the fifth floor.
The pilot banks the plane around and winds down the window and
shouts to the guy, "Hi! Where am I?", to which the solitary
office worker replies, "You're in a plane". The pilot winds up
the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a
perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away.
Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run
out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple,"
replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in the building a simple
question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct, but
absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's Support
Office and from there the airport is just 5 miles away on a
course of 87 degrees! Any questions?"
english.364zokig,
V.I.P.
Very Impotent Person
english.365niklaus,
(* Kako se uveseliti sebe i druge pomoću McDonald's-a. *)
(* Ovo radi i kod nas... (: *)
(* preuzeto iz Phrack magazina #45 *)
Remember that McDonald's slogan is Food, Folks, and Fun...
Just take the "fun" part to the limit... You sort of have to compensate
for the asshole "folks" and the shit "food."
(* kratki izvod iz "zbirke aforizama" *)
GARBAGE CAN TRICKS
Since McDonald's is usually a busy restaurant, the trash bags
fill up quickly and must be changed frequently (but never are.) There
are several things you can do to the trash cans. For starters, ask
for hot or boiling water. If you don't want to attract attention by
doing this, bring in your own really hot water... boil it, put it in
a Styrofoam cup or a thermos... once in McDonald's, locate the filled
trash can (should not be hard to find) and dump the hot water down
the side. Not only will this melt the side of the bag, causing the
trash to go everywhere, the person who takes out the garbage must
pick up all the trash by hand and dump out the trash can with water
in the bottom. This also soaks the trash, breaks up paper, and makes
the whole experience quite unpleasant, but hilarious to watch.
Another easy trick is to walk up to the trash can areas, take
the trays sitting above the trash cans, and simply throw them in all
the cans. This will either make the employee fish them out by hand,
or will cause the restaurant to be short of several trays, which
becomes quite annoying.
BASTARDIZING FOOD ITEMS
SHMEGMA MAC, SHMEGMA SACK - instead of Mega Mac (shmegma is Dick Cheese)
CHICKEN McFUCKUPS - Chicken McNuggets (be sure to ask for the 69 piece)
McDICKEN - McChicken (ask for extra Mayo and smile...)
CHOKE - Coke (I'd like a small choke with no ice)
McRIBBED FOR HER PLEASURE - McRib... Do they still make this?
FAGINA - Fajita (I'd like a FAGINA with extra cheese...)
(* takođe, tu su i... *)
FOOD TRICKS
ON A BUSY DAY...
THE INQUIRING CUSTOMER
DRIVE-THRU FUN
GREASE DISPOSAL FUN
DUMPSTER FUN
PHONE ORDER PHUN
COMPUTER PHUN
FREE SHIT AT McDonald's
(: Sean :)
ps Ah, da. Uz poruku je 'kompletić'. ((:
mcdonald.zipenglish.366vitez.koja,
-> #365, niklaus#=> ps Ah, da. Uz poruku je 'kompletić'. ((:
Ovde fali (pristojni) kromfrit da bi sve bilo potpuno :).
sk
english.367vitez.koja,
-> #365, niklaus#=> Another easy trick is to walk up to the trash can areas,
#=> take the trays sitting above the trash cans, and simply
#=> throw them in all the cans. This will either make the
#=> employee fish them out by hand,
Kakvi mangupi ovi zapadni hakeri !!! ;)
Btw. ja sam jedared tako stavio sat, kome je pukla narukvica, na
poslužavnik, pa sam posle morao da ga "fish out by hand" :))
english.368ganta,
WASHINGTON, DC, -- Feb 6, 1995 -- Microsoft Corp. (NASDAQ:MSFT)
confirmed today that it is aquiring the "9X" designation from the Ada
Joint Program Office(AJPO). This was apparently done as part of a
three-way agreement between the AJPO, the Department of Justice, and
Microsoft. As part of the transfer agreement, Microsoft has agreed to
stop using the designation of "Windows95" for their often-delayed
release of their new version of Windows, instead switching to the
safer designation of "Windows9X".
The agreement was also done to prevent copyright infringement
threats by Microsoft toward the AJPO, which had recently acquired
status with their new language as the first internationally standardized
object-oriented language, commonly called Ada95. Because Microsoft
was rumored to have purchased the year 1995, Microsoft was claiming
usage of the numbers "95" would constitute copyright infringements
under international trade laws. In previous years, the AJPO had been
using the "Ada9X" designation, but changed it to Ada95 this year to
commemorate its standardization. No spokesperson for the AJPO was
available for comment.
The Department of Justice is expected to suspend further
investigations of illegal trade practices on the part of Microsoft as
part of the three way agreement. The Department has no public
comment on the transaction, but a source that wishes to remain
anonymous indicated that the Department is eager to get away from
both Microsoft and the AJPO, since the Department is incapable of
understanding any concepts related to software.
Microsoft, in a spirit of cooperation, has indicated that they will
release a version of "Visual Ada95" in the near future. An
unidentified source in Redmond indicated the release date of the
product will be, "approximately two quarters after we begin to sell
snowcones in hell." This is apparently part of a business expansion
plan on the part of Microsoft, which is already rumored to have
dominated hell with copies of Microsoft Windows. In a move related
to the snow cone operation, Microsoft has recently announced it is
buying all the "Frosty King" ice cream stands and shipping them off
to hell. In return, all Department of Justice personnel have been
guaranteed an unlimited supply of icy confections when they arrive
there.
(The above text was intended to be satirical, and in no way reflects
on the actual actions or intentions of any large, monopolistic
corporations :-)
--
Frustrated with C, C++, Pascal, Fortran? Ada95 _might_ be for you!
For all sorts of interesting Ada95 tidbits, run the command:
"finger dwellerčstarbase.neosoft.com đ more" (or e-mail with "finger" as subj.)
english.369vlaslo,
Message from : rudi@rosi.szbk.u-szeged.hu (Bagi Rudolf)
Proper Diskette and Care Usage
(1) Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak
out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the
drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in
pencil holders.
(2) Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week.
Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a
powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any
stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring
powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure
the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to
spin faster, resulting in better access time.
(3) Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the
drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in
"Little" drives.
(4) Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The
data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the
intricate mechanics of the drive.
(5) Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a
photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be
backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive.
Whenever you update a document, the data will be written
onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup
copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk.
When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings
liberally between the diskettes before inserting them
into the drive.
(6) Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the
drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so
could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text.
Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is
known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is
hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins
before being allowed to access the slot.
(7) If your diskette is full and needs more storage space,
remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for
two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data
compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover
all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
(8) Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more
holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more
simultaneous access points to the disk.
(9) Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent
system bugs from spreading...
english.370pifat,
U prilogu je spisak sa oko 300 "opstih" Marfijevih zakona i pride pedesetak
posvecenih ratovanju.
Igor
marfi.zipenglish.371pyc.guy,
because of chesse & military music...;)
english.372ndragan,
-> #371, pyc.guy/ because of chesse & military music...;)
catch fog!
(CONF REPLY 14.1578)
/ More how much tomorrow = još koliko sutra
A little bit tomorrow = malo sutra
Watch out so it shouldn't be = paz' da ne bi
oh not mine = ma nemoj
sea, brother = more bre
sea can't = more ne može
go escape = idi begaj
which one is it to you, brother, since this morning = koji ti je, bre,
odjutros
killed her of the dick = (nije valjda da ovaj ne znate?)
english.373mdave,
Subject: Windows 95
WINDOWS 95 WILL HAVE THE COOLEST USERS EVER
REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In order to calm growing impatience among PC
users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating
system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it calls the "Cool User
Program for Windows 95." To participate in this offer, a user pays
US$10,000 at which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic
suspension. The user will than remain in a state of hibernation until
about a week before the Windows 95 ship date.
"We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and
acquaint themselves with the changes that will occur in society
between the onset of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95,"
explained a Microsoft spokesman. These may include "the possible
conclusion of OJ Simpson trial, another momentous Congressional
election, faster-than-light travel and possible leaps in human
evolution."
Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area
will be needed for the storage facility. "We have chosen the state of
Utah," stated Microsoft, "because nobody lives there, anyway."
Spokespeople for Novell and Wordperfect were reached for comment on this
remark, but their words were not suitable for publication.
IBM corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft
promotions with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would
not be matching Microsoft's "Coll User" program. "Freeze people? What
for? Warp has already been shipping for months," said a source who
asked not to be identified.
Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft's plan as
a "bold, innovative" move. In columnist Michael S. Brown's opinion
column "M.S.Brown Knows" which appears in PC Weak, Brown claims, "IBM
has missed the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy. Users
clearly want to be frozen in liquid Nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like
units for an indeterminate period of time." Michael S. Brown made
national headlines three years ago when he claimed that if "Windows NT
didn't completely replace DOS in six months" he would chain himself to
grating comedian Gilbert Gotfried. Today he clarifies that "I didn't
say *which* six months."
The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 1995,
but users wishing to beta test the system may do so for a reduced fee of
US$3,000.
english.374inesic,
-> #372, ndragan> sea can't = more ne može
only killer = samoubica
english.375bkaradzic,
┌──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
──┤ This text comes from IMPHOBIA Issue IX - February 1995 ├─────────────────
└──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘
INTEL OUTSIDE
The proud owners of an Amiga are not
only pretty pretentious but they also
have a good sense of humor... Let's
hope that the PC-owners have a good
sense of humor too... Here comes some
good old-fashioned DOS&Pentium bashing
...like it needs any ;)
50MHz 486 + Microsoft Windows= 4.77MHz
8088.
9 out of 10 priests prefer young boys
to Doom.
DOS 6: Because there aren't enough
problems in the world already.
DOS Viruscan initated - Windows found:
Delete? (Y/y)
I only shoot IBM's to put them out of
their misery.
If at first you don't succeed, call it
Windows NT.
If Speed scares you, use Windows!
OS/2 warp = Half an Operating System,
wich you can throw out?!
Redundant book title : "Windows For
Dummies"
The best way to accelerate a PC is at
-9.8 m/s (hint: gravity?!)
The magic of Windows - turn a 486-50
into a 4MHz XT...
Virus "WIN.COM" found. Remove? (Y/y):
Whip me! Beat me! Make me run Windows
on an XT!
Windows Error #56:Operator fell asleep
while waiting.
Windows is a colorful clown suit for
DOS.
Windows isn't a virus -- viruses do
something!
The devil is using Windows. Still
wanna go to hell ?
Windows NT. Nice Try or Not There?
Windows is kewl, it's just missin' a
panic button.
The sad thing about Windows bashing is
it's all true.
November election results may be due
to the Intel Pentium bug :)
TOP TEN SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM
9.9999973251 It's a flaw, Damnit not
a Bug
8.9999163362 It's Close enough, We
say So
7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct
opcodes
6.9999831538 You don't need to know
what's Inside
5.9999835137 Redefining the PC - and
Mathematics as well
4.9999999021 We fixed it, Really
3.9998245917 Division Considered
Harmful
2.9991523619 Why do you think they
call it *FLOATING
POINT*?
1.9999910351 We're looking for a Few
Good Flaws
0.9999999998 The Errata inside
>Q: According to Intel, The Pentium
conforms to the IEEE standards 754
and 854 for floating point arithme
tic. If you fly in an aircraft de-
signed using a Pentium, what is
the correct pronunciation of
"IEEE"?
>A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!
Complete the following word analogy :
Add is to Substract as Multiply is to:
1) DIVIDE
2) ROUND
3) RANDOM
4) On a Pentium, all of the above
>Q: What's another name for the "Intel
Inside" sticker they put on
Pentiums?
>A: The Warning Label.
>Q: Why didn't Intell call the Pentium
the 586?
>A: Because they added 486 and 100 on
the first Pentium and got 585.9999
83605.
>Q: What do you get when you cross a
Pentium PC with a research grant?
>A: A Mad Scientist.
>Q: How many Pentium designers does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
>A: 1.99904274017, but that's close
enough for non-technical people.
>Q: Did you hear about the new
"Morning After" pill being develo-
ped as a replacement for RU-486???
>A: It's called RU-PENTIUM. It causes
the embryo to not divide correctly
That's I'm afraid... I am looking
forward to seeing some creative and
funny minds get to work for the next
issue and give us some nice Amiga
bashing jokes...;)
These jokes were gathered by aAP/aCME.
čatßoy
english.376mmitrovic,
Iz novog Elektrona:
Hardware vendor's support phone:
--------------------
S : This is *** support phone, can I help you?
C : Well, you better! I wanna know who the hell is that general Failure, and
what the fu*k is he doing reading my hard disk?
--------------------
S : Hallo, this is *** co. New York office. How can I help you?
C : Well, I'm from Wahington D.C..
S : Yes, and?
C : Am I local enough for your special Local Bus offer?
english.377aleck,
It is not easy being Serb...
THE SERB WHO WENT TO MALTA
( must be read with Serb akcent )
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat
breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one
piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no
understand . I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss
onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me
sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon
and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone
wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say
you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know
the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed.
Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say
you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna
bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna
ma bitch.I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you".
I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to SERBIA.
english.380ndragan,
-> #377, aleck/ One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat
Nemu pojma. Ovo je italijanski izgovor od a do žnj. Za pravljenje dobrog
vica nije dovoljna glupost i neobrazovanost, a za prepevavanje starog
italijanskog vica na srbijanski traži se, štaviše, suprotno.
english.382vitez.koja,
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BBS: Sledge HAMMER! BBS
Date: 04-08-95 (18:31) Number: 249
From: BALSA STIPCEVIC Refer#: NONE
To: ALL Recvd: NO
Subj: Why did the chicken cross Conf: (5) Fine.Chat
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From: balsačosmeh (Balsa Stipcevic)
Path: fon!osmeh!balsa
Organization: Fakultet Organizacionih Nauka, Beograd
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Plato:
For the greater good.
Karl Marx:
It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli:
So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken
which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but
also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend
with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the
princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates:
Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Jacques Derrida:
Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the
act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is
equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned,
because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would
let it take.
Douglas Adams:
Forty-two.
Nietzsche:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes
also across you.
Oliver North:
National Security was at stake.
B.F. Skinner:
Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium
from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it
would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to
be of its own free will.
Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated
that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and
therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the
chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein:
The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects
"chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which
caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the
chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle:
To actualize its potential.
Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Howard Cosell:
It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to
grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian
biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement
formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a
remarkable occurence.
Salvador Dali:
The Fish.
Darwin:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson:
Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus:
For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe:
The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg:
We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it
was moving very fast.
David Hume:
Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Jack Nicholson:
'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic:
What road?
Ronald Reagan:
I forget.
John Sununu:
The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation,
so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the
opportunity.
The Sphinx:
You tell me.
Henry David Thoreau:
To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
---
* Origin: SETNet - BeoInternet most ->...<- (38:103/120.0)
english.383star,
More mars! = Sea march
Napet sam = I am on five (on five alone)
english.384pyc.guy,
-> #383, star~~~ More mars! = Sea march
More mars! = Vise Marsova! ;)
english.385darone,
-> #382, vitez.kojaappendix a
Q: zašto je čovek prešao ulicu?
A: kurac mu je bio u piletu.
english.388mihailo,
Subject: Canonical List of Mommy Mommy Jokes
Canonical Lists of Mommy Mommy Jokes
====================================
Revised: 26 July 1994
Mini Table of Contents
1) Introduction
2) PS
3) THE LIST
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INTRODUCTION
------------
Another list of sick jokes for those of us who need this sort of thing.
WARNING: some of these jokes are considered "semi-x-rated"
please take this into consideration when distributing this list
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
PS
--
If you have any more jokes to add to this list, please send them to me.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE LIST
--------
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.
Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts.
Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.
Mommy, Mommy! What's an Oedipus complex?
Shut up and kiss me!
Mommy, Mommy! What's for dinner?
Shut up and get back in the oven!
Mommy, mommy, what is a deliquant child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.
Mommy, mommy, what is a deliquant child?
Shut up and pass me the crowbar.
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!
Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise.
Shut up and eat around it!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma?
Not today, we already dug her three times this week.
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!
Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!
Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up and comb your face!
Mommy, Mommy! What's a werewolf?
Shut up and comb your face!
Mommy, Mommy! Whats an orgasm?
I don't know dear, ask your father.
Mommy, Mommy! Billy won't let go of my ear.
Billy, let go of Susie's ear.
Billy! Let go of her ear!
All right Billy, give me the ear.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy's guts.
Well, just leave them on the side of the plate.
Mommy, Mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?
Shut up and help me get Gramma off the doorknob!
Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?
Shut up and keep digging.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like grandpa.
Well, just push him aside and eat your beans.
Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Australia.
Shut up son and keep swimming.
Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you'll wake your father.
Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles.
Shut up son or I'll nail your other foot to the floor
Mommy, Mommy! The milkmans here; have you got the money or
should I go out an play?
Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running?
Shut up and reload.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't wanna visit grandma!
Shut up and keep digging.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl?
Shut up and flush.
Mommy, Mommy! I'm sick of learning how to swim!
Shut up or I'll flush it again!
Mommy Mommy! It's cold and dark and damp down here.
Shut up or I'll flush it again.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgs for supper!
Shut up or I'll grind your other hand.
Mommy, Mommy! I HATE tomato juice!
Shut up and drink it before it clots.
Mommy, Mommy! What's a vampire?
Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.
Mommy Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!
Shut up, we only have it once a month.
Mommy, Mommy! I HATE spagetti!
Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.
Mommy, Mommy! There's something in daddy's eye!
Shut up and eat around it.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked!
Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!
Mommy, Mommy! Why are you moaning?
Shut up son, and keep licking.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I get pregnant?
Of course not dear, you are only seven years old.
OK boys, same again...
Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we get a garburator?
Shut up and chew!
Mommy, Mommy! Joey is biting grandma's nail.
Joey, stop it, or I am closing the coffin!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I buy a new dress?
You know it won't fit over your iron lung.
Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids?
Shut up and deal.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I brush my teeth?
Yes, now shut up and get the jar!
Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shut up and get away from the dart board!
Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big.
Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls!
Shut up and get back in the barrel!
Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with Sheldon!
Shut up and close the coffin!
Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles?
Shut up and get back in the barrel!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!
Shut up and eat your hamburger!
Mommy, Mommy! How will we ever find Daddy on this golf course?
Shut up and search the sand traps!
Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers!
Shut up and eat your french fries!
Mommy, mommy what is incest?
Shut up and lick.
Daddy, daddy what is incest?
Shut up and suck.
Mommy! Mommy! What's oral sex?
mmmrmmph mumble mumble mmhhh mmrph mmumble!
"Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."
"No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again."
What did the little boy say when his mother scolded him for cutting his
Christmas present (a spotted hamster) neatly in two pieces with a cleaver?
Answer: "But, Mommy, you said that if I was good, I could halve him."