english.401dejanr,
What's the difference between one dollar and one mexican peso ?
ans: one dollar.
Philippe.
english.402dejanr,
Well, I asked for it; and I got it. I had over 100 pieces of mail concerning
this subject. I have finally gone through them all, although most were from
the "Canonical List of Sorority Girl Jokes" posted to rec.humor some time
ago. I hope I haven't left out any "single" joke. I have done the best I
could in going through all of the posts, and have come up with the best jokes
from all the lists. Many were similar...
Anyway, here they are, and I would appreciate anyone who has a single "joke"
to please send me a copy, and I will keep an up-to-date listing.
Thanks again for the huge number of responses!
T H E N E W A N D I M P R O V E D S O R O R I T Y G I R L J O K E
L I S T I N G
==========================================================================
[ NOTE: Please send revisions to: brando@uicsl.csl.uiuc.edu ]
What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.
Why does a sorority girl wear underwear?
To keep her ankles warm.
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
You could eat a bowling ball if you had to.
You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball.
How are a sorority girl and a bowling ball alike?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in
the gutter and they always come back for more.
What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers ?
Sorority girls cost less per score.
What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
About 40 lbs.
How do you equalize the two?
Feed the elephant.
What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
Introduce herself.
Walks home.
[Alternatively: Get on her Moped and drive home]
What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic?
Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.
How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
She drops her nail file.
What's a sorority girl's favorite wine?
"Daaadddy, I want to go to mi-ammmmi."
What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?
Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do...
Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
'Cause everyone gets a turn.
How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?
Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a twinkie on
the bed.
Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out once a week.
What do you call 100 sorority girls sun-bathing on a beach in Cuba?
Bay of Pigs.
What do you call a sorority girl hang-glider festival?
Multiple total eclipses.
What is a sorority girl's mating call...
"I'm soooo drunk, I'm sooooo drunk!"
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days.
What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
Nothing. There are some things a sorority girl won't do.
I don't know, but it sure enjoys screwing people.
I don't know, but when it sucks your cock, it does't stop until it
gets blood.
1) Tri Delts; I'm sure everyone else has.
2) If your date won't, Tri Delts.
3) Once you've tried everyone else, Tri Delts.
and
2) __________ __________
\ / /\ \ /
\ / / \ \ /
\ / / \ \ /
\ / / \ \ /
\/ /________\ \/
Tri Delts: Two out of three go down.
What do fraternity boys call hemorrhoids ?
Speed bumps.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a dog ?
Drivers will swerve to miss the dog.
How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daaaaddy.
4, one to change it and 3 to make tee-shirts.
7, one to change it and six to go out and buy Tab (or diet Coke).
65, 1 to do it and 64 to sing and clap.
One. She holds on to it and the world revolves around her.
Six. One to screw it in and five to make the T-shirts.
Ten. Nine to stand around scratching their heads, and one to
get her boyfriend to do it.
Why is a sorority girl like railroad tracks?
She's been laid all over the country.
What three words will a sorority girl never hear?
"Attention K-mart shoppers"
Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?
So she can fantasize about shopping.
What is a sorority girl's favorite sexual position?
Facing Bloomingdale's.
What's the difference between Jell-o and a sorority girl?
Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed?
The Dead Sea (Lake Placid is also OK).
How can you tell if a sorority girl's a nymphomaniac?
She'll make love the same day she has her hair done.
What's a sorority girl's idea of natural childbirth?
No makeup.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a barracuda?
Nail polish.
How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
Marry her.
Whats the difference between a sorority girl and a broom closet?
Only 2 men fit inside a broom closet at once
What's the difference between a telephone booth and a sorority girl?
You don't need a quarter for the sorority girl.
What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
A circus is a cunning array of stunts.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and garbage?
Garbage smells better.
Sorority girl attract more flies.
What' the difference between a sorority girl and a vacuum cleaner?
Nothing. They both suck.
You can buy a new vacuum when you get sick of it.
You can buy a new vacuum when it no longer sucks.
When a vacuum cleaner is full of sh*t, its easy to dump the old bag.
A vacuum cleaner can't suck a golf ball through a garden hose.
How do you get four sorority girls on one chair?
Tell them there's a rich guy sitting on it.
Turn the chair upside down and put one sorority girl on each leg.
What's the difference between a tribe of sly pygmies and a
sorority girl track team?
The tribe of sly pygmies is a bunch of cunning runts.
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a rooster?
In the morning a rooster says "cock-a-doodle-doo", while a
sorority girl says "any-cock'll-do"
What do you call 24 sorority girls walking down the street?
A case of Schlitz.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and parsely?
You don't eat parsely.
Why are a sorority girl and a tampon similar?
They are both stuck up cunts.
What does a frat boy say to a girl that refuses him?
"Have another beer."
What does the Bermuda Triangle and sorority girls have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
What does a sorority girl make for dinner?
Reservations.
Why does a sorority girl wear a gold diaphragm?
So her boyfriend will think is coming into money.
What does the sorority girl say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt.
What's the differenbce between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a sorority
girl?
A prostitute says, "Are you done yet?", a nymphomaniac says "You're done
already?", and a sorority girl says, "Beige....I think I'll paint the ceiling
beige."
What is foreplay for a sorority girl?
Thirty minutes of begging.
How does a sorority girl commit suicide?
She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
What's the difference between a parrot and a sorority girl?
You can teach a parrot to say NO.
english.403dejanr,
I wasn't sure where to put this one, but here goes.. A woman with huge breasts
was out for a walk when she was jumped by a man holding a gun. When he
motioned for her to take off her blouse, she warned him he'd regret it, but he
insisted. Next he made her take her bra off, and when a giant set of tits
popped into view he began to get incredibly excited. "Take your skirt off," he
demanded, ignoring her warnings that he leave off. So, off came the
skirt, and then the panties, revealing an equally huge pussy, green and slimy
and swarming with bugs. Shocked and repelled, he stepped back and dropped the
gun to the ground. Grabbing the gun, the woman pointed it at him, smiled
broadly, and commanded, "Eat Me."
-Cindy
english.404dejanr,
Baghdad Radio reports that Iraq's Scud missles have intercepted and
destroyed incoming Patriot missiles seven times. The Patriots were launched
from Israel and Saudi Arabia and never even made it to Iraq's borders before
they were destroyed. The advanced Iraqi early warning system has
permitted the intercepting Scud missle to be launched before
the Patriot missle it will destroy.
english.405dejanr,
I put this message on my machine during the baseball season. In the
background is the sound effect of a cheering crowd at a baseball game.
"We're back at Wrigley Field for this, the final game of the 1990 baseball
season. the Cubs and Mets are tied for first, whoever wins this game takes
home the National League Eastern Division championship. We're in the 9th
inning, Cubs trailing 2-1, but they have Shawon Dunston on third with two
outs. Coming up to bat now, here is BOB! (crowd cheers in background) This
has been a solid season for Bob, 26 home runs, 87 runs batted in. A base hit
now will tie it for the Cubs, while a home run will give them the
championship..
Bob digs in against Dwight Gooden. Gooden has been masterful today, striking
out 16, while only allowing 3 base hits. Here comes the pitch . . . AND
THERE'S A LONG DRIVE DEEP TO RIGHT! THAT COULD BE OUT OF HERE! DARRYL
STRAWBERRY RACES OVER AND MAKES A LEAPING CATCH AT THE WALL AND BOB IS OUT!!!!
Yes, Bob is out, but he'll be happy to return your call as soon as possible."
(BEEP)
Since I once worked in radio as a newscaster and DJ, I was able to do this so
that it sounded like an actual radio broadcast. The response to this
message, which ran a full 60 seconds, was interesting. Men loved it, and
passed my phone number around so that their buddies could call in and hear it.
Women, in general, didn't understand it, and left messages complaining that it
was too long, too loud, or didn't make any sense.
Bob
english.406dejanr,
I heard this from my brother, who is a Search and Rescue pilot at Canadian
Forces Base Bagotville, Quebec. It's an apocryphal story that allegedly
happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:
Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over <such-and-such> beacon".
Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! _I'm_ holding at 3000 over
that beacon!"
(brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."
english.407dejanr,
If you hear someone on TV say "scud," take a swig of beer and change
the channel except during scud attacks (see below).
If someone says "Patriot," everyone in the room must salute. The last
person to salute takes a shot.
If a scud attack is reported, everyone must hold their breath. The first
person to breathe must go to a sealed room while everyone else takes a shot.
That player remains in the room until the "all clear" is sounded.
If someone says "somewhere in eastern Saudi Arabia" everyone must shout
"Dhahran." The last person takes a shot and must forego the next "scud."
The same applies for shouting "Riyadh" upon hearing the phrase "a large
airbase in central Saudi Arabia." Anyone naming the wrong city must
also take a shot unless they shout "Taif" before they are called on the
error.
Whenever Wolf Blitzer appears on the screen, everyone must shout
"woof woof" and drink a wine spritzer.
A shot of Kahlua and coffee is kept on the table. Whenever the phrase
"ground war," "ground assault," or "ground attack" are used, the first
person to grab the shot gets it.
Every time Dan Rather says something stupid, all shout "change the
channel." The last person to do so takes a shot and is forced to watch CBS
on another TV until the next "scud." I realize that this one is a judgement
call, but the odds are that it won't be long before he says something
stupid anyway. Of course, if Sam Donaldson is on ABC, change the channel.
english.408dejanr,
From the people who brought you "Buckets of Blood 3"
yes, it's the......
N. I. H. E. Dublin Ireland
B.A. in COMMUNICATION STUDIES
Final year exam 1989
Time : 9 am till opening time.
Candidates must not write on more than two sides of the exam paper
Marks will be deducted for bad spelling and writing which is difficult
to read.
1. What language is spoken by French Canadians?
2. Give important characteristics of ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions or give
the
first names of the Osmonds.
3. What religion is the Pope? - Jewish, Catholic, Hindu, Anglican (ONE only).
4. Who won the Second World War? Who came second?
5. What is a silver dollar made of? Gold, Silver, polyvinylchloride (ONE
only).
6. Explain Le Chatelier's principal of dynamic equilibrium
force or spell your name in BLOCK capitals.
7. Approximately how many commandments were give to Moses?
8. There were six kings of Britan called George, the last one being called
George VI. Name the other five.
9. Who invented Stevenson's rocket?
10. Write down the numbers 1 to 10. (Marks will be deducted for every number
out of sequence.)
11. Dublin is the capital of which north-western European country?
12. Name the odd man out - Cardinal Heenan, The Pope, Archbishop of Canterbury,
Jack the ripper.
13. Who was the winning jockey in the All Ireland Greyhound Derby 1971?
14. Who built the Great Pyramid? - Rameses II, W.B. Yeats, Wimpey, Amey
Roadstone Corporation?(ONE only).
15. In the 1973 Sheepdog trials, how many were found guilty?
16. At what time is News at Ten? - 9 pm., 6 pm., Don't know.
17. Would you ask William Shakespeare to - Build a bridge, Sail the ocean,
Lead the army or WRITE A PLAY?
18. What holiday falls on January 1st? - Christmas, New Year, August Bank
holida, St. Patrick's Day?
19. Is a dunker a :
(a) person who dips biscuits in his/her tea?
(b) contraceptive?
(c) lorry for motorway construction?
(d) black person about seven foot tall and good at basketball
20. Do you understand Newtons law of gravity? Answer YES or NO
21 Arrange the following words into a logical statement:
BRAINS HAVE NO C.S.'S
22 What is 69 and 69 :- ( one answer only )
(i) 101
(ii) ten times your I.Q.
(iii) An NIHE party
(iv) All of the above five
23 Write a prose composition on each of the following:-
(i) The wide-ranging knowledge of c.s. students on computers.
(Maximum of two letters.Hint WS)
(ii) [From your employment possibilities]
The role of fast food franchises in the modern urban environment
(iii) My favourite Lecture ( you may not refer to the other two in your
answer )
(iv) What the restaraunt looks like
24 Approximately how many questions are on this paper (Answer to the nearest 00
if you can count that far)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*****
Courtesy of **** ****
*** LOONEY *** and the communictions
** TUNES **
* * Faculty at the NI of HE
** That's all ** (in particular the inventor of
*** folks *** sound units,Dr. Dessy Bell
**** **** { deci-bel } )
*****
copyright SPELLSINGER interactive literature plc.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
sent 17/11/1990
P.S:C.S stands for Communications Studies Students,possibly the dreariest lot
of wimpy students who ever passed through the portals of D.C.U
All comments &/or sly witticisms to IN%"87193256@dcu.ie".
From Chris Slattery at Dublin City University...Cowabunga dudes!
english.409dejanr,
Copyright (c) 1990 Patrick D. Scannell
Used by permission
"Software Engineering Process Archaeology, An Overview"
(Transcript of a lecture by Grant Money, D.S.A.)
(Doctor of Software Archaeology)
To trace the development of the Software Engineering Process, we
must begin in the late Pleurassic period (so named because the
air was very dense and it was hard to breathe.) It was during
this period that violent geological upheavals brought to the
earth's surface large deposits of silicon and germanium crystals,
and the first crude programs, barely more than undifferentiated
collections of single-bit organisms such as the primitive
kilobyte, crawled out of the sea and began to live and thrive on
silicon. More complex forms, such as structures and arrays,
began to evolve.
It was during the Ice Ages of the Fortybeloic period, however,
that programs began to thrive and multiply. Unlike the dinosaurs
who preferred a warmer climate, software produced its own heat
and operated better in a colder environment. However, in the
warmer Kerocene epoch which followed, the competition between
programs became more fierce, and the first carnivorous programs
such as viruses began to develop. Parasitic organisms such as
statistics gathering tools also evolved during this period.
During these periods, thousands of strains of primitive programs
evolved, thrived for a while, and died out. But it was not until
the advent of the customer that programs began to assume the
importance that they have today. The oldest known customer,
Pithecanthropurchaser, was discovered at Olduvai Gorge by Dr.
Louis B. Sneaky. Fossil remains and other evidence indicate that
the Pithecanthropurchaser whose remains Dr. Sneaky discovered
died while waiting for a customer service line to take him off
hold. (Of course, the average life span of the
Pithecanthropurchaser was only about 35 years, so this is not too
surprising.)
The next step in the evolution of software was the invention of
the requirements document. Until the requirements document,
programs were purchased without being expected to do anything
specific, or in some cases because they had done something
interesting and the purchaser hoped that they might do it again.
There was, however, no clear perception that a certain input
might result in a certain output. The first requirements
document is believed to have been a gift from aliens who carved
it on a large basalt block, as dramatized in the movie "2001."
The existence of requirement specs led purveyors of software to
experiment with interbreeding of programs in order to produce
desired characteristics. Gregor Mental, a monk, discovered that
certain characteristics (such as Help Key Support) were
recessive, but could be passed on to future generations of
software. Thus a program with both the recessive help function
and the dominant no help would not have help key support, but the
offspring of two such programs would have one chance in four of
having this characteristic. (What we would now call a feature.)
Meanwhile, the first steps toward a Software Engineering Process
Aggregation had been taken. The so-called "Midas" (or "Through
the Goose") model, popular during the Middle Ages and Early
Renaissance, looked like this:
FRONT VIEW SIDE VIEW
_______ __________________
/ \ | |
/\ ENG /\ | |
/ \ / \ Customer | |
/ \()/ \ =======| |=====
\ PLM ||MFG / Input | |
\ || / | |
\_||_/ |___________________|
As the diagram shows, this model allowed Engineering, PLM and
Manufacturing to go round and round in circles, while Customer
input went in one end and out the other without stopping.
The next model, used throughout most of the 20th century, was the
"Osmosis" model:
______________________________
CUSTOMER | | | |
INPUT -------->| PLM | R&D | Mfg |---> PRODUCT
|_________|_________|_________|
This model has the advantage, for the customer, that some of the
customer's requirements may, with some luck, filter through into
the product by a process similar to osmosis.
But what, we may ask, is the model of the '90s and beyond?
Predictions, of course, are dangerous, but many scientists now
believe that the "Osmosis" model will be replaced by the so-
called "Milli Vanilli" model (sometimes also referred to as the
"Tom Sawyer" model) in which the customers actually produce the
software themselves, and the producer sells it back to them at a
profit. Naturally, this model presents great challenges to the
marketing and sales organizations.
Thus, to summarize, we see that the development of software
engineering process has made considerable progress over the past
few eons, and yet in the end we must conclude that it still makes
very little sense.
Thank you. Good night.
english.410dejanr,
This idea was proposed by Cathy Foderaro (chf@Franz.COM), and it's been
elaborated on since the original proposal.
Y'know how the planes involved in the gulf war have nicknames (the best
of which is the "Wild Weasel")? Several of us were speculating about
David Letterman's Top Ten Rejected Airplane Nicknames. In no particular
order, we've come up with
10) the B-3 Near-sighted Sissyboy dive bomber
9) the SW252 Tree Sloth Sidewinder missile
8) the F-112 Fluffy Poodle vertical take-off jet
7) the M-113 Roadkill armored personel carrier
6) the F-117B Capybara Stealth fighter
5) the AK39 Turbo Q-Tip attack plane
4) the F-21 Emu jet fighter
3) the f-14 Nose-hair torpedo
2) the B-6 Rod McKuen Sonnet carrier bomber
And the number one answer...
1) the A-14 Screamin' Yugo recon-jet
Of course, the topic opens up a whole new realm of punning...
the TomCruise Missile
the SideSwiper Missile (guaranteed to never directly impact the target)
the Disintegrates Upon Dispatch or DUD missile
the new scuds on the block
the Ernest and Julio Gallo delayed detonation missile
(will not explode before its time)
But none of this can really match the humor inherent in the name
"Wolf Blitzer"...
english.411dejanr,
Here is a memory refresher for those who have taken the "Managing
Interpersonal Relationships" (MIR) course. If you haven't taken
the course yet, you can read these notes and won't have to! Any
similarity between characters or events in this posting and characters
(living or dead) or events in real life is purely (or puerilely)
coincidental.
Michael Schoonover (303) 229-3552
michael@hpfcla.hp.com Hewlett-Packard Co.
notes from
"MANGLING IMPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS"
Copious research has conclusively shown that there are exactly
two dimensions to human personality: self-control and evangelism.
THE SELF-CONTROL SCALE
The self-control scale denotes the degree to which a person maintains
control of his or her emotions. Humans are evenly distributed along
this scale with Spock at one end (although he is really half Vulcan) and
Sally Field at the other (see Figure 1).
Figure 1. Self-Control Scale
Self-Control
+---------------------------------------+
| |
Spock Sally Field
| |
Shows absolutely no Operates purely on
emotion whatsoever, unless emotion. Cries when
under the influence of mind- reading "The Family Circus"
altering drugs, such as pod or when nominated for an
spray. Oscar.
THE EVANGELISM SCALE
The evangelism scale denotes the degree to which a person forces his
or her opinions and beliefs on others. Like the self-control scale,
humans are evenly distributed on this scale, with Supreme Court
nominees on one end and Jimmy Swaggert at the other (see Figure 2).
Figure 2. Evangelism Scale
Evangelism
+---------------------------------------+
| |
Supreme Court Justice David Souter Swaggert
(before being nominated)
| |
Opinions could not Offers opinions freely
even be extricated and without provocation,
through Senate judicial often frothing at the
hearings. mouth and sweating
profusely.
WHERE ARE YOU ON THE SCALES?
Where each person falls on the self-control and evangelism scales is
genetically predetermined and can be calculated from a questionnaire of
20 or so questions that you give to five of your friends/coworkers.
This questionnaire was scientifically engineered and is backed up by
copious research, so regardless of who answers this questionnaire
(convenience store clerks, you mother, your worst enemies), your
location on the scales is always the same. Oh, there have been some
exceptions, but they were due to people getting confused when filling in
the dots on the questionnaire.
THE PERSONALITY QUADRANTS
Copious research has shown that there are four quadrants in which we
can stereotype human personalities (see Figure 3). This graph is
derived from the two personality scales, with Evangelism as the X axis
and Self-Control as the Y axis.
Figure 3. The Personality Quadrants
low E v a n g e l i s m high
(0) +--------------------------+--------------------------+(20)
| | |
| | |
| Anal-Retentives | Megalomaniacs |
| | |
| | |
S | | |
e | | |
l | | |
f | | |
- | | |
C +--------------------------+--------------------------+
o | | |
n | | |
t | Spineless Wimps | Psychotics |
r | | |
o | | |
l | | |
| | |
| | |
| | |
| | |
+--------------------------+--------------------------+
high
(20)
Once your location on the scales is determined, we can plot your
personality on a graph and pigeon-hole you for life! For example, if
your questionnaire shows 1 on the Self-Control scale and 1 on the
Evangelism scale, you would be classified as an Anal-Retentive, and
are probably enjoying these numbers immensely. If you scored 19 on
Self-Control and 19 on Evangelism, you are a Psychotic and are
probably throwing a tantrum at this moment. Of course, there is no
value judgement placed on any location in the quadrant: It's OK to be
a Spineless Wimp; it's OK to by Psychotic; it's OK to be where-ever
you are (although YOUR location is rather abnormal).
By definition, the personality type of a particular quadrant hates the
personality type in the opposite quadrant. So, ARs hate Psychotics and
vice versa; likewise for SWs and Megalomaniacs. Understanding the hatred
between these groups is the first step to building good teamwork!
The Anal-Retentive Quadrant (The Author's Quadrant!)
Characteristics: Good with numbers, likes to work with machines
more than humans, not fun at parties (unless everyone
else is AR also), lots of them are engineers.
Nicknames: Einstein, Good Engineer, Boring, The Computer
Favorite Phrase: I need more data.
Handles Conflict by: Playing video games.
Famous ARs: Carl Sagan, Ayn Rand
The Spineless Wimps Quadrant
Characteristics: Always friendly, always agreeable, make you feel good
until you turn your back on them, soft handshake, good
at organizing parties.
Nicknames: Ol' Reliable, Mr(s). Happy, Two-Faced Rat
Favorite Phrase: I agree.
Handles Conflict by: Giving in and then not inviting you to the next party.
Famous SWs: George Bush, Dan Quayle
The Megalomaniacs Quadrant
Characteristics: Cold, decisive, power-hungry, has delusions of
grandeur, lets you know where you stand (usually within
earshot of a crowd), dictatorial.
Nicknames: Idi Amin, The Dictator, The Robot, The Rotten Bastard
Favorite Phrase: You're wrong!
Handles Conflict by: Killing those who disagree.
Famous Ms: Saddam Heussin, Alexander Haig
The Psychotics Quadrant
Characteristics: Bubbly, bubbly, so-bubbly-you-want-to-strangle-them,
obnoxious, insecure, humorous, fun at parties
(especially when throwing a temper tantrum).
Nicknames: Barrel-O-Fun, The Clown, The Psycho
Favorite Phrase: I have a vision.
Handles Conflict by: Threatening to kill self and everyone else.
Famous Ps: Sam Kinnison, Sally Field
THE FLEXIBILITY SCALE
In addition to the four quadrants, there is another dimension to
personality (even though I said there were only two before). This other
dimension is flexibility, also known as schizophrenia. This scale
denotes how well can a person fake another personality type (see Figure 4).
Figure 4. The Flexibility Scale
+--------------+--------------+-----------------+----------------+
| | | | |
Catatonic Paranoid Split Personality Triphrenia Quadrophenia
| | | | |
Does not even Most people Manages to fake Three The ultimate
have a are here. an additional personalities! in flexibil-
personality. personality. ity. Can
fake all four
personality
types.
Although we can never change our basic location in the personality
quadrants, we can strive for and achieve greater flexibility! For
example, you may be merely paranoid now, but with a little work in this
course, you could become a split personality or even quadrophenic! The
key to flexibility is understanding the other personality types so that
you can quickly and easily pigeon-hole those around you and understand
what makes them tick. Once you know how to do this, you will find that
it is much easier to manipulate those around you!
SUMMARY
You now know everything you need to better mangle impersonal
relationships. Good luck! And remember: It's much easier to work
with people once you've stereotyped them.
english.412dejanr,
Our exalted PM is sitting at home one night when Mila is out of town for a
couple of days, and he is feeling abit randy. In order to resolve this
situation he decides to pay a visit to the local red-light district.
Walking to one particularly well-known area he comes up to a lady of the
evening and asks her how much it would cost him for an evening of pleasure.
"200 dollars", she replies, "plus 14 dollars GST".
Since he was not on an expense account he decides that this price is a
little high and continues walking. A short time later he spies another
young lady and approaches her with the same question.
"100 dollars", she replies, "plus 7 dollars GST".
Still a little out of his price range he continues walking. Finally he
comes upon another willing lady. He again poses the question to her. She
looks at him and asks, "Aren't you Brian Mulroney, the prime minister?".
Hoping for a better deal he replies "Why yes, I am. Will you give me a
discount?".
The woman thinks for a second and then replies, "Mister Prime Minister, if
you can raise my skirt like you raised the taxes, lower my panties like you
lowered our wages, make me hotter than my apartment ever gets, take charge
of me the way George Bush takes charge of you, get that thing of yours as
hard as the times, keep it up like the gas prices, make it as long as the
welfare lines and screw me the way you do the public, then mister Prime
Minister it won't cost you a damn cent."
english.413dejanr,
Iz noćašnjeg chat-a na BIX-u:
[Tiggy]* Why did Saddam Hussien stop going to his local bar?
[Surak]* why ? why?
[Tiggy]* He got tired of being bombed...
[Tiggy]* What do Saddam Hussiens wife and a Basketball team have in common?
[Tiggy]* They Both Shower after 4 periods
[Tiggy]* Why can't they have Sex Ed and Driver's Ed on the same day in Iraq?
[Mental]* Why not?
[Tiggy]* Only 1 Camel
[Tiggy]* Okey, there are these two big old black women sittin on their porch
in deepest georgia, it's mid summer, the hottest in 15 years
[Tiggy]* Suddenly Big Jessabel, (the one on the right) stands up and takes
off her dress...
[Tiggy]* The Other sez to her "Why'd you do dat?" And Jessabel sez "Cuzd it
makes me coolah!"
[Tiggy]* And she sits down
[Tiggy]* few inutes later, Jessabel stands up again and takes off her
underwear
[Tiggy]* And the other sez " Why'd you do dat? " and Jessabel sez "Cuzd it
makes me coolah!" and she sits down again
[Tiggy]* Finally, big ole Jessabel sits back and she spreads her legs as
wide as she can...
[Tiggy]* and the other sez "Now whyyyd you do *dat* Do dat makes you
coolah?"
[Tiggy]* and Jessabel sez "Nope, but it keeps da flys off!"
[Napomena: ostali vicevi su bili još gluplji ;) ]
english.414dejanr,
Do you know, that they've invented a contraceptive pill for men.
You take it the day after and it changes your blood group.
english.415dejanr,
In a village in South America there was a young man that was what some people
call a cassanova, good with the ladies. He had all kinds of ladies. He liked
them all, fat ones, short ones, skinney ones, didn't matter. The thing was, is
that he had a true love, a virgin that he was saving for his marrige. This
innocent virgin, her name was Mary, did not know anything about sex. Of
course our Tiger of the Village wanted to keep things that way. Well finally
they were married and on the wedding night Mary was very impressed with Sex.
She told her new husband that she did not know a man was build that way. What
a wonderful thing men had to please women. Our Tiger did not want to her to
think that all men were the same, so he told her, "I tell you one something
Honey, I am the only man in the world with such a thing". She believed him.
The "Tiger" of the village was a sheep herder and had to go to the hills for
weeks at a time. He had been gone for a couple of weeks when he came back and
began to look for his new bride. When he got to their hut she wasn't there.
He then went down through the village looking for her. "Mary, Mary, where are
you?" Finally he meets up with her on the street. Mary appears to be very
angry and frustrated. "You son-a-bitch, bastard, cabron, desgrasiado, no good
for nothing" and begins to hit and fight with him. "Hey whoa, whats the
matter baby, what did I do? I didn't do nothing why you mad at me?" our tiger
asks.
Mary says, "Yeah, you asshole, you know Sancho, the lazy one from across the
street? Well he has one also" and she points to his genitals. Our hero thinks
about it, she must have seen this guy taking a leak, shit I can fix this.
"Hey Honey, I tell you one something, you know what? Sancho he is my best
friend, I used to have two of them and since Sancho is my friend, I give him
one", he is all smiles and goes over to hug Mary.
Mary is now angrier and begins to clober the shit out of him. "You dumb ass,
pendejo, stupido, ignorante" she yells at him, "YOU GAVE HIM THE BETTER ONE".
english.416dejanr,
A marine was in the infirmary with most of his bones broken. His Colonel
went to see what happened. The marine said, "Our seargeant said we should
yell to the Iraqi's that Saddam Hussein is an S.O.B. and when they stand up in
anger we shoot em . Well, I did that. I yelled 'Saddam Hussein is an S.O.B.'
and an Iraqi stood up and yelled 'George Bush is an S.O.B.'. While we were
shaking hands a tank ran over us."
english.417dejanr,
{ed This article is rather long and only mildly amusing with a few
good points to be found within. Read it if you wish.}
Copyright 1991 Patrick D. Scannell
Used by Permission
"The Maltese Function"
Pragma Spade looked across his desk at the bizarre group which
had gathered in his office: Bridgid Stack-O'Verflough, the
mysterious woman who was not what she seemed (but was what she
seemed not to be); Caspar Gauteux, the corpulent French collector
of rare and curious software; his gun-wielding assistant, Wilmer
Flintstone; and the swarthy, unpredictable Cole Gyro. Behind
them, the office door with the legend "Spade and O, Private
Inspection Consultants" (The door painter had been shot dead in
the midst of scraping off Spade's ex-partner's name, but
fortunately none of the shots had hit the glass.) reminded Spade
of those who were not present: Floyd Thorough, Bridgid's late
partner; Miles O'Fay, Spade's equally late partner; Captain
Steubing, the late captain of the Pacific Princess; and Tommy
Dorsey, the late bandleader. They had tried, all of them, to
outwit him, but now he was holding all the cards. Better still,
he had all the cards and a gun.
Since thinking ahead had done him no good whatsoever, he thought
back, back to the beginning of the case. Bridgid had come to
them looking for an experienced Project Inspection Coordinator (PIC)
to be the third person in a code inspection, and after
a careful consideration of the facts of the case (especially
those facts which were encased in silk stockings or had portraits
of Benjamin Franklin on them) Miles had agreed to act as
Moderator and Recorder. But something had gone wrong. Floyd
Thorough had been shot leaving his hotel, and Miles had been
found not long after drowned in a vat of beer, not even his usual
brand. Spade remembered the joke about the man who drowned in a
vat of beer (which makes two levels of flashback, so save your
context) who got out twice to go to the bathroom, but in real
life it was a shock. Even the hard-bitten police lieutenant had
never seen anything like it. "He's our first drowned draft PIC,"
was how he had put it.
Ms. Stack-O'Verflough had gone into hiding, and Spade had begun
combing the Inspection Clubs for clues. Were the two deaths
related? What was the point of the flashback, if not? Was it the
work of some demented Serial Inspection Team Killer?
One other, even more gruesome, possibility had occurred to him.
He had heard rumors, maybe only legends, of killer software,
source code so convoluted that one look made instant death.
Could it be more than rumor?
He had visited some the old-fashioned inspection clubs, where the
speed of inspection was kept with a steady drumbeat, just as in
the days when galley slaves rowed the Roman warships. (The
practice of inspection had first been used to verify the
correction of printer's proofs, which were called galley proofs
for this reason.) The beat could be anywhere from a slow one-two
to what was still referred to as "water-skiing speed":
LOAD bit and SET true, BRANCH false for ERror!
NOW load in AR five, STORE with an OFFset!
No one there had heard of any Inspection killings, except a few
isolated incidents of Moderators shooting Inspectors for failure
to prepare adequately. But it was that kind of town, you had to
expect things like that.
At the Rock Inspection Station, Spade learned nothing more
(except a new dance):
Load the contents of location into Register 3
(Singin' do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do)
Then compare it to zero cause that's what it's s'posed to be
(Singin' do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do)
Branch here, branch there
It's an error, you're nowhere!
He did hear a rumor about a big shipment of magic mumbers coming
in from Haiti (which, as an Inspection Consultant, he would have
to watch out for), as well as rumors of zuvembies (or zombies),
who were now being referred to as "reuseable coders."
At the Inspection Disco, they call the Reader a "Rapper." The
beat was different but the story was the same:
He loads it IN a double WORD
and shifts it LEFT it sounds abSURD
then shifts it RIGHT leaves one bit LEFT
to give that VALue he can TEST!
Stop! Defect time!
At On The Code With Jack Kerouac, he relaxed and listened to the
laid-back Reader (but of course he was looking for defects,
because that's the rule) with his bongo drums: "Then, like, if he
finds an error he branches to the error routine" bip bip BOP
"which is, like, a cool thing to do because it illustrates the
erroneous nature of existence, you know?"
Finally, he tried the Metropolitan Inspection House, where they
were inspecting "Das Rheincode." At the Met, the Moderator was
addressed as "maestro", and the work product was read by a chorus
of Readers, interrupted by frequent cries of "Hojotojo!" (This
is apparently a Spanish word, since it is pronounced "hoyotoyo",
and it means, "I think I've spotted a defect!" It has nothing
whatever to do with Japanese motels with orange roofs.)
Load up the REGister!
Compare it to ZEro!
Branch if it ISn't!
Because it's an ERRor!
Finally, Spade had given up. There were no clues to be found.
But then Cole Gyro had come to his office, holding him at
gunpoint while he searched Spade's data base. Apparently he
hadn't found what he was looking for. Spade had knocked him out,
taken away his gun, and searched him, finding only fifteen knives
in assorted sizes and a huge selection of fake diamond jewelry.
"A real cut-and-paste type," he had decided.
Later, he had also taken away Wilmer's gun, and later
accidentally given Wilmer's gun back to Gyro, and vice versa.
Now they were both mad at him. Wilmer claimed the .22 made him
look like a sissy, and Gyro said carrying the heavy .45 gave him
lower back pain like you wouldn't believe. Gyro wasn't speaking
to Spade, and Wilmer's last comment had been, "Yeah, well inspect
this, pal!"
Then the Pacific Princess had caught fire and burned to the
waterline, almost injuring Charo, and Captain Steubing had ended
up dead in Spade's outer office, with a knife in his back
inscribed "Courtesy of Cole Gyro." But more than that, he
carried a diskette with him which contained a single source
file. Spade had cleverly mailed it to himself electronically,
with a time delay, and deleted the original file from the
diskette. (That's just the kind of bold, no-backup-copy guy he
was.)
And now (Pop your original context off the stack please. All
set? Good.) he had them all in his office at gunpoint. Now he
could get some answers. If only he could think of a question.
Wait a minute! That was it! "What's going on, anyway?"
"Egad, sir," said Gauteux, "I like a man who gets right to the
point, even when he hasn't any. Are you familiar with the island
of Malta, sir?"
"Vaguely. It's where Malta milk comes from, isn't it?"
"That's correct, sir. But what you may not also know is that it
was a sort of cultural center for the art of software development
in the late fifteenth century. So much so that the Pope himself
at that time commissioned the software artisans there to write
him a sort function for a new programming language being
developed by the Jesuits. Naturally, the artisans wanted to make
it the best sort function they possibly could, and they designed
the greatest sort algorithm ever created, before or since. But
in the end they were unable to debug it thoroughly. Can you
imagine how difficult it is to write machine code using Roman
numerals? Eventually they ran nearly a century over their
original schedule. They did not, of course, have Time Line to
help them out. Did you know, by the way, that Stonehenge was
built by the Druids as a tool for scheduling development of a
large operating system? No matter, sir, I digress. To make a
long story short, sir, the object code was delivered to the Pope
(though not the same one) with several bugs in it, and the
compiler was never shipped outside of Italy. The source code was
captured by pirates and believed lost, but it exists, I tell you,
and we are about to see it."
"You mean the diskette Captain Steubing had?"
"Exactly, sir, exactly. Floyd Thorough procured it for me in
Istanbul, and then attempted to steal it. We believed that he
had mailed it here electronically, but in fact it was smuggled
over on the Pacific Princess on a diskette hidden in Charo's
guitar. What puzzles me is why Steubing brought it here, instead
of giving it to Miss Stack-O'Verflough."
"It's just one of those comic mixups he's so famous for. Was so
famous for. But why does anyone want it, except for historical
interest?"
"It's the greatest sort algorithm ever created. If we can
inspect it using modern inspection methods and get the defects
out of it, it would be worth millions."
"I see. And what do you have to say about all this, sweetheart?"
"Nothing," said Ms. Stack-O'Verflough. "I'm only here because I
couldn't get tickets to 'Cats.'"
"That's too bad," he said. "Because --" Suddenly a bell rang,
and message came up on Spade's terminal indicating that he had
mail from himself. "Here it is," he said, and printed out a
copy. He examined it, then handed the copy to Gauteux.
"Now, as I was saying, someone's going to have to take the fall,
and I think you're it, beautiful."
"Watch it with the names, pal."
"I meant the little lady."
"I'm six foot four, bub."
"I may just shoot you all an have done with it. I've got such a
headache."
"Perhaps, sir, you should finish what you were saying. Someone
to take the fall, you say. You mean for the murders of Thorough
and O'Fay?"
"No, they knew the risks when they became software engineers.
They should have known better than to get careless."
"Steubing, then. I must confess I am curious to know who killed
him."
"Anybody who got a look at that source code, I'd say, It's not a
pretty sight."
"That's true, sir, that's true. But now tell me, what is this
fall you're referring to?"
"Well, what happens when you inspect that code?"
"Why, I expect it will require a rework, by the look of it."
"And someone's going to have to do the rework. And it's not
going to be me. The original Producer is long dead."
"I see you're point, sir. And you favor casting the young woman
in that role?"
"Who else? Wilmer or Gyro? Neither one could code their way out
of a paper bag."
"Perhaps, sir, you'd like to discuss this with the lady alone.
We could wait in the foyer."
"Yeah, do that."
"Why are you doing this to me?" she asked.
"Forget it kid. Any program with that bad a history should be
thrown out and rewritten. You want to go with them and do the
rework? You'll be at it for twenty years. But I'll wait for
you, precious."
"I don't think so. Now what?"
"I'll give them the diskette and they'll go."
"Just like that?"
"They think they've got a fortune, and if they don't have to
split with me they'll let you out of it." He turned to the
machine, dumped the source onto a diskette, opened the door and
tossed it to Gauteux. "Here, take it," he said. "It's the stuff
defects are made of."
THE END
english.418dejanr,
Sally was walking down the street when she met another little girl with a
confused look on her face. When sally wasked her, the other little girl said
se didn't know whether she was 11 or 13. Sally then asked her : "What's the
nicest, best tasting thing she ever had in her mouth?" The other girl
replied : "A big chocolate sundae, with melted fidge and lots of sprinkles-"
"You're eleven," Sally said.
english.419dejanr,
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she
replied that she suffered from a discharge. Said he: Get undressed, Mrs. Cohn,
and lie down on the examining table. She did, whereupon the doctor put on
rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts". After a couple of
minutes he asked: How does that feel? Wonderful, she replied, but the
discharge is from the ear.
english.420dejanr,
How do you get 20 Iraqis into a phone booth?
Tell them it isn't theirs.
english.421dejanr,
Copyright 1991 Patrick D. Scannell
Used by Permission
INSPECTION, DETECTION AND REJECTION STANDARD
Please review this document thoroughly, then throw it away.
This Draft subsedes all future drafts.
There will be an open review of this Standard two weeks ago.
You are cordially not invited to attend.
1 INTRODUCTION
Purpose
This document has no purpose. We just threw it together for
laughs. Since it exists, however, by the laws of physics, can
neither be created nor destroyed.
Status
This is a devolving standard. With each revision it becomes more
convoluted and confusing.
Scope
Objections, protections and retrospections apply to the following
comedy products:
- Episodes of the Forbidden Zone (except this one)
- Directline memos
- Development schedules produced prior to the design phase
for both velopment and development.
Policy
It is recommended that anyone reading this standard verify that
their life and health insurance premiums are paid up.
Notes
Take notes. There will be a test later.
Reviews Versus Convections, Intellections and Injections
Reviews, such as the New York Times Review of Books, are
magazines which cover a subject in a very broad manner.
Employees are free to subscribe to as many reviews as they wish
prior to obtaining a Clean compilation. (The Clean compiler is
available from Harry Clean, Inc. for a nominal fee.)
An issue meeting is a meeting whose purpose is to attempt to
surface issues, then bury them deeper so that they won't surface
again. These may be held, but must be kept secret.
A pre-inspection meeting may be held before the product is
written, in which the producer describes what the document would
look like, how long it would be, what color ink and so forth.
Since these meetings are totally useless, it is expected that
they will be held often.
Detractions, infractions and impactions by a team of at least 9
detractors, infractors and impactors are required to be held no
later than the end of Component Test or the beginning of the
Design Phase, whichever comes first. For extremely lengthy
meetings, an 18-person team is used, operating under normal
tag-team rules. This requirement is waived if Component Test and
the subsequent design effort do not take place until after
product shipment.
Technical audits continue to be required, however they will now
be performed by trained I.R.S. auditors who will be empowered to
impose fines and jail terms of up to 20 years. (These extreme
penalties will only be imposed for such offenses as writing
uncommented assembly language and use of the COBOL Alter
statement.)
In order to formalize the process, employees are not allowed to
talk to one another except in the course of the above process
meetings.
2 Objectives, Subjectives, Objections, Subjections, Roles, Rules
and Procedures
Objectives
The immediate objective of a dejection, protection and
genuflection is to remove the true portions ("de facts") from the
comedy product without removing what little humor there is.
The long term subjective is to get the thing finished and sent so
that real work can be done.
The Objection Team
There are 9 key roles related to holding a compaction.
1. The Producer is the person responsible for creating the comedy
product. The Producer may not also be the Catcher or Shortstop,
but may play Goalie or take an occasional free throw.
2. The Director is the person who directed the producer to do
what he or she did. The Director may not also be the Inquisitor,
although he may help heat up the hot irons. An extinction may be
held without the Director present if he doesn't mind the fact
that the Producer will try to blame him for everything.
3. The Moderator is responsible for making sure that the team is
all in place before the doors are locked, and for preventing
lynchings and other mob actions.
4. The Catcher is responsible for making sure no one gets out of
the room alive until the meeting is finished. Not even to go to
the bathroom.
5. The Reader is responsible for reading the thing being
introspected in a droning monotone.
6. The Recorder is responsible for taking notes.
7. The Decoder is responsible for reading the notes.
8. The Discorder is responsible for destroying the notes after
they've been read, so as not to leave a paper trail of the
meeting. Optimally, it should be impossible to prove that the
meeting ever took place.
9. The Inspector is responsible for behaving as much as possible
like Inspector Clouseau as played by Peter Sellers: speaking in a
bad French accent, knocking things over, accidentally setting
fire to important documents and generally disrupting the meeting.
10.The Domino's Pizza Delivery Person, while not strictly a team
member, will often be critical to the success of the meeting.
The minimum team consists of 2 people, the Recorder and
Discorder. This requires picking up the pizza ahead of time,
however.
Planning
See Appendix F for definition.
Preparation
The key point of preparation is to ensure that the team arrives
at the meeting place on time. If members arrive late, it is very
difficult to let them in without (1) allowing other team members
to escape and (2) divulging the true nature of the meeting,
causing them to flee. It is generally advisable to lead team
members to believe they are attending a completely different
function, for example a surprise party.
Meeting
No one knows what goes on in these meetings. If the Discorders
do their jobs properly, no one ever will.
After the Meeting
Survivors should be kept under medical observation for 48 hours.
Resource Guidelines
A reaction, restriction and eviction will normally cover
approximately 20,000,000 words per hour. Note that a picture is
worth a thousand words -- two thousand if it is colored neatly
(staying within the lines) in crayon.
Schedule meetings to be no more than 48 hours long. 36 is
preferred.
SAMPLE REFRACTION AND TRACTION DEFECT SUMMARY
Comedy Product: Zone 105
Release: NO
Refraction and Action Type: No Progress Review
Major Defects Type
The author Screws Missing
Minor Defects
The jokes and the premise Not Funny
[Other potential defect types: Incomprehensible, Too True,
Obscure]
english.423dejanr,
Obscure Williamstown footpath graffiti
THIS WAY TO OBLIVION
>>----------> (that's an arrow, folks)
Bizzare Williamstown footpath graffiti just around the corner
HA HA FOOLED YOU
IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHICH WAY YOU GO
english.424dejanr,
During 1989, Brian Marshall and I started up an Oracle service at the
University of Waterloo on behalf of the Computer Science Club. Later
that same year, Edwin Hoogerbeets took over. People would ask
questions, and we would answer them (ourselves, might I add). Our
ponderings antedated the now-somewhat-popular Usenet Oracle (TM) by a
number of months. The concise retorts are Edwin's; the incoherent
ramblings are mine; the coherent ramblings are Brian's. Enjoy!
Trevor Green
Do the Unix commands macget and macput still work? I have a Mac Plus
and a 2400 baud modem, and I have tried mightily to get these commands to
work, but with no success.
- Fred Dixon, 3rd year Computer Science
Dear Fred:
It seems that a large American corporation, which
I will not name (because MacDonald's would sue if I mentioned their
name) recently acquired a court injunction against the use of the name
MAC. Due to current developments in biological chip engineering, the
corporation has finally found a way to manufacture Intel 80386 clones,
called Intosh, which are made entirely from potato by-products - much
like the ever-popular Big Mac.
In its newly distributed sales brochure, the corporation announced that
the first of the new machines, the Mac DLT (Download Link Terminal), should be
available shortly. The basic board contains an Intosh potato chip, as well as
an innovative drive that reads data off of 6-cm `all-beef' platters, a 3-cm CRT
(catsup, relish and tomato) and can connect to `the Bun' using the sesame-seed
modem at 1200 bps (Bacon, Pickles and Special Sauce). As the D.L.T. generates a
fair bit of heat, and us being environmentally conscious and all, the
corporation has incorporated a special feature into the top of the CPU box:
a griddle. What a golden concept!
So no, there is no more MACPUT and MACGET on UNIX, unless you acquire
a DLT which will be selling at your local retail outlet for 99 cents
with the purchase of a burger, fries and regular drink. Yes, it's
`The Hacker Meal', the latest gimmick from MacDonald's!
Explain the meaning of "KILROE HIC ERAT!"
This phrase is, of course, in the language of the highlands of Klingon. It
means, literally, "A stupid human tradition of writing things on brick
walls with spraypaint, for which they should be executed immediately
with a large grey sperm whale rib(*)." Klingon is apparently more
concise than English.
The more figurative interpretation is, "Kilroy has hiccups."
* - which we can have for dinner tonight.
Why do they always give the temperature at the airport, like who lives
at the airport?
The Moonies.
Can the Oracle spawn a task so great that he cannot kill it?
Contrary to popular belief, the Oracle is not all-powerful. We are
a tunnel, or a method: a means by which information may be
transmitted from the higher beings around us to the public in general.
(Much like a television, but no commercials or sitcoms.)
Thus the Oracle can no more create a task so great that he (or she)
cannot kill than he (or she) could create a bull terrier with
no inclination to munch upon human beings or their entrails.
Why is it that, although the Emperor of Japan died on January 7, we all heard
about it on the News on January 6? Can foul play be ruled out?
-Horrible Ethic
Dear Eth:
We indeed did hear about it on January 6, but this was not true around the
world. Japan and indeed all the Old World learned about the death on January
7, but due to a loophole in special relativity discovered in the 1880's by
Sandford Fleming, some 20 years before Einstein published his theory, and
known as Time Zone theory, the Americas learned about the event on January
6 (6:30 in Newfoundland).
What makes the world turn?
Aristotel posited that it was in fact the entire rest of the universe that
rotates on an axis once a day; and then he died. Newton posited that in
fact the Earth rotates and revolves, all due to gravity and angular
momentum; and then he died. Einstein posited that due to space-time
curvature, the Earth is in fact spiraling inwards toward the sun,
emitting enough gravity waves in the process to power, say, a small
electric heater, and then he died; and nobody has yet gotten that heater
to work. Stephen Hawking posited that in fact the entire space-time
construction is a giant 4-dimensional spheroid that God couldn't really
have much to do with; and then...well, he isn't dead yet, but it won't
be that long. Now comes the real truth: The reason the world turns is
that there is in fact a gigantic gyroscope hidden in the Earth's inner
core which is kept in motion by the hot gusts of wind emanating from
the portals of Hell. I have posited this, and I am still alive.
english.425dejanr,
Q: Why do America and Kuwait need each other?
A: Kuwait is a banking system without a country
and America is a country without a banking system.
english.426dejanr,
Darrell the banjo picker's canonical list of Banjo Jokes...
(you've been warned)
approved for all audiences
o How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
five; one to screw it in and four to
(a.) complain that it's electric.
(b.) lament about how much they miss the old one.
(c.) stand around and watch.
o What's the difference between a banjo and a(n)...
(a.) onion
no one cries when you cut up a banjo.
(b.) uzzie
an uzzie only repeats forty times.
(c.) chain saw
a chain saw has a dynamic range.
and/or you can turn a chainsaw off.
(d.) Harley Davidson motorcycle
you can tune a Harley.
(e.) Trampoline
you take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
o Playing the banjo is a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded...you don't
have to be very good to get people's attention.
o What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise.
o What do you get when you throw a banjo and an accordion off the Empire State
Building?
Who Cares...
o What do you call twenty-five banjos up to their necks in sand?
not enough sand.
o What do you call one-hundred banjos at the bottom of the ocean?
a good start.
o What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test?
drool...
o Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
it saves time in the long run.
o What will you never say about a banjo player?
that's the banjo player's porsche.
o Banjo players are a lot like sharks--they think they have to keep playing or
they will sink...
o How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
by there names...(used to be Irish fiddle tunes)
o The sixth fret on a banjo is a lot like the thirteenth floor on a building
you don't really need one.
o Does this kinder, gentler era have room for another generation of obnoxious
banjo pickers telling dumb jokes and playing fast?
(zombiegrass--picture a banjo picker standing straight
faced under a large cowboy hat...)
english.427dejanr,
From page 468 of "Using Turbo C++" by Herbert Schildt:
REMEMBER: The private parts of an object are accessible only by functions
that are members of that object.
Well, there goes free love...
++Christopher();
english.428dejanr,
This is original to Mike Wilson, a Science Operations Ground System
manager for the Hubble Space Telescope.
"The Gulf War's ratings are so good, NBC's decided to pick it up
for next season."
english.429dejanr,
Another organically grown entry for rec.humus. Only natural punchlines
are used in my jokes, and no antibiotics now that the infection has gone
down.
Apple Corporation Sues Itself.
[AP] In a move that has industrial analysts scratching their heads,
Apple Computers has filed suit against Apple Computers Corporation. The
company claims that Apple has violated the Look and Feel of their own
machines which has helped to make the company famous.
An Apple Spokesperson stated "This is no joke. If we don't protect our
copyrighted interface, everyone will use it and we could lose the
exclusive right. So it is in our best interests to sue anyone who uses
the Macintosh Look and Feel, including ourselves." The spokesperson
says Apple has retained the prestigious LA law firm of Kukla, Fran and
Ollie to spearhead the lawsuit. Apple's in house lawyers will defend.
Long time Apple observer Ernest Dinklefwat stated that this is a sure
sign that Apple has too many lawyers and not enough engineers. "In the
old days Apple depended on its talented engineers to keep ahead of the
competition, but now they have lost the edge, as well as their grasp on
reality."
The industry will be sure to watch this case closely. If Apple wins
the suit against itself, this could mean a massive recall of all
Macintosh and Lisa computers which will need to be converted to avoid
all graphics and desktop metaphors and instead provide a simple
terminal-like interface. Such a move would cause a massive digression
in the personal computer market. Users of computers would be forced to
learn to read, which could cause dangerous literacy among college
students and professionals.
-David Lowry
english.430dejanr,
I saw this in the Oakland (California) Tribune:
Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss?
He elected to receive.
english.431dejanr,
General Thomas Kelly at a Pentagon briefing last Friday on the report
that Sadaam Hussein had executed the heads of the Iraqi Air Force and
Air Defenses said he didn't know if it was true but added:
"He does have a rather dynamic zero-defects program."
Jeff David
-------
Seen on a protester's sign in San Francisco this past Saturday (1/26):
Following
George Bush
into a war
is like following
Neil Bush
into a Savings and Loan
-- Jordin Kare
-------
Have you seen the types of people going to anti-war protests? Some look quite
like a freak show... Do you know why they want to "bring the troops home"?
Because they can't wait to get their hands on all the surplus Army boots.
(Original joke by Tom Miller)
-------
News Flash: Saddam Hussein claims to have captured 1,000 American
lawyers. He plans to release one at a time until we surrender!
-------
The missle attacks on Israel and Saudi Arabia are the results of a
misunderstanding, Baghdad Radio announced today. The crews manning
the launchers thought Hussein said to launch the attack.
Saddam says "No, I said 'Scud Light'".
english.432dejanr,
If you've never seen Jimmy Stewart and Doris Day in
_The_Man_Who_Knew_Too_Much_, you should really make
an effort. Doris Day sings "Que Sera Sera" to her
kid, who by the end of the film is pretty shook up.
Here's the new version, updated for current events:
When I was just a little boy
I asked my mother, what will I be?
Will I be handsome,
will I be rich?
Here's what she said to me:
Hey Saddam, Saddam,
Whatever will be will be
But you're messing with Mean Marines,
Hey Saddam, Saddam.
When I was just a boy in school
I asked my teacher, what should I try?
Should I try gassing,
or making bombs?
Here was her wise reply:
Hey Saddam, Saddam....
When I grew up and joined the war,
I asked my Sergeant, will I be brave?
Will I kick asses,
will I take names?
Here's what he screamed and raved:
Hey Saddam, Saddam....
When I sent troops into Kuwait ^H^H^H^H^H^H^H The 19th Province
I asked my Generals, how will we do?
How long 'till victory
is in our hands?
These words they spoke were true:
Hey Saddam, Saddam....
Now I have armies of my own
They ask their leader will we survive?
Down in the bunkers,
Where the bombs fall,
They know I'm still alive!
Hey Saddam, Saddam,
I guess that we'll all know soon,
'Cause Norm has a plan for doom!
Hey Saddam, Saddam
What will be, will be.
==============================
I heard this one from a friend:
Q: What do Saddam Hussein and Lisa Olson have in common?
A: They've both been faced with Patriot missiles
-Harold Buck
==============================
(This is original.)
Early reports from the Persian Gulf have sung the praises of our smart
weapons. The cruise missiles would first stop by the Baghdad Post Office
to see if the target had filed a change of address, then head down the
main boulevard, carefully observing all traffic lights. Upon reaching
the target, the missile would knock on the door, display the correct
password to gain entrance, and penetrate deeply into the building before
detonating.
The precision of those weapons is most impressive, but I have a different
concept of a truly "smart" weapon. It would say to the designer, "You
want me to crash into a concrete wall and explode? No, no, no.
Let me have a chat with the man. Give me a letter of introduction,
'A Mr. Thomas Hauke to see Saddam Hussein' or words to that effect.
I'd say to him, 'You realize that I'm carrying a half-ton of explosive,
and if I were to carry out my intended mission, well, it would be an
enormous headache for your maintenance staff. I'd much prefer to have
a spot of tea and discuss the latest video technology. If you'd be a
good man and withdraw from Kuwait, I'm sure we could reach an amicable
agreement.'"
I suppose that there are some problems with my scheme. Contemplative weapons
might reflect on their purpose in the universe, and too much of the wrong
flavor
of existentialism could have a devastating effect. "Whether I destroy an
Iraqi or Saudi airbase is a matter of complete indifference to the universe."
There's nothing more dangerous than a nihilistic missile.
For the time being, I suspect that while designers will continue to make
weapons more "intelligent," in the sense of being able to perform more
complex tasks, they will still pursue their missions with the single-mindedness
of an untenured professor. The weapons, that is.
english.433dejanr,
Now the Iraqi government is showing pictures of a blasted church, supposedly
hit by allied missiles.
But if God is with the Iraqi army, isn't that a military target?
english.434dejanr,
The military jargon that we've heard through the continuous
coverage of Operation Desert Storm has started to permeate
our lives.
My wife and I are in the midst of toilet training
with my 2-year-old. After one such "training mission," my
wife asked, "How'd it go?"
"Well, I don't want to encourage a sense of euphoria, but I'm
quite pleased with the results. Three scuds were launched,
along with two false alarms. Some traces of chemical emissions
were detected, but not enough to warrant the gas mask. While
I was impressed with the air attack, the grunts were eventually
required to get the job done."
english.435dejanr,
A MERE TRIFLE [by Isaac Asimov]
Said a certain young man with a grin,
"I think it is time to begin."
Said the girl with a sneer,
"With what? Why your pee-er
Is scarcely as big as a pin."
english.436dejanr,
This is supposedly a true story, told to me by a second source.
An older woman was cruising a busy parking lot just before
Christmas in her new Mercedes-Benz looking in vain for a
parking space. She finally saw someone loaded with packages
heading for a car, so she followed him, put on her blinker and
waited patiently until he pulled out. Just as he pulled out
a young man in a sleek black Porche zipped in to the space ahead of her.
She was dumbfounded and outraged, and jumped out of her car, shouting,
"How could you do that?
Didn't you see me waiting there with my signal on?",
to which he replied,
"That's what happens when you're young and fast."
As the young man was about to enter the store he heard the
hideous crunch of metal striking metal. He ran back, horrified, to
see that the woman had gunned her Mercedes and smashed it into his
beautiful black Porche. He ran back and cried
"How could you do that?",
to which she replied,
"That's what happens when you're old and rich!"
english.437dejanr,
The following is of my own creation. Mea Culpa.
---------------------------------
There is a constant battle that goes on in my house. It carries broader
significance than the conflict between good and evil, has more earth shattering
importance than the fight between freedom and oppression, and is more basic
than the disagreement between people who drink light beer because it tastes
great and those who drink it because it's less filling. It is the battle
between gluttony and guilt.
Every day, all the members of my family have to struggle with themselves to
decide whether or not they're willing to grab that piece of apple pie. Of
course, they all want a piece, but there's always that communal guilt lurking
in the corner somewhere. Whosoever dares to reach for a second piece is
immediately bombarded from all sides.
"Do you really need that?"
"What, you're still hungry after that huge piece?"
"I thought we talked about going on a diet."
At this point, there is nothing you can do but withdraw your hand and wait
quietly for nightfall.
Once dinner is over, and no one is in sight, guilt loses its sway. It is a
well-known fact that a cake which was hardly touched during dinner has no
chance of surviving until the morning. As the evening wears on, the cake
becomes smaller and smaller as good-natured passersby selflessly 'straighten'
the edge of the cake at the expense of their waistlines.
There are two very important facts about food that underlie and justify my
family's eating habits. The first is that when you eat the food off of someone
else's plate, they get the calories. Knowing this can be endlessly useful. For
instance, when you order salad at a restaurant, it allows you to nibble the
better part of your friends' meals and still feel as virtuous as if you only
ate the wilted pieces of lettuce in front of you. The second idea is that if
you eat your food by first cutting off a small piece, eating it, cutting off
another small piece, eating it, and so on, until you've finished enough to feed
a small Central American country, you only get as many calories as were in each
individual piece, rather than the sum.
There are also a few basic rule of etiquette that we've deceloped concerning
food. Most of the rules have to do with stealing food, since this is the most
delicate issue. The first and most important rule is: -Don't get caught.- This
may seem like a simple rule, but it's often neglected. Sometimes you have to be
quite creative about it. For instance, if you're found with your head in the
fridge at 3:00 AM, your mouth covered with cake crumbs, you must be able to
convince whoever caught you that you were actually looking for a piece of
celery when you tripped and fell face first into the cake.
Rule number two: -If, while going for a piece of cake yourself, you catch
someone else, do not hesitate to make them feel guilty about it.- Some limp
wristed liberals disagree with this rule, but it's vitally important. There is
no reason to have mercy. They would do the same thing to you if the situation
was reversed. And always remember that the less they eat, the more left for
you.
The third rule is more along the lines of self preservation. -If you are
actually caught, never let it be used to corner you into going on a diet.-
There are some very serious problems with promising to diet. The greatest one
is that you might actually end up doing it. This leads to no end of trouble. An
unsuccessful diet is a terrible thing. You end up eating the same amount of
food as before, but you enjoy it less. A successful diet is even worse. Once
you lose weight, you'll probably look and feel better. Once that happens,
you're stuck. You suddenly have a good reason to keep the weight off, and you
have to abandon all your former eating habits, thereby keeping yourself thin
and healthy. In some extreme cases, this vicious circle has even led to
exercise and general good health. But, luckily, in my family, there's no danger
of that.
english.438dejanr,
{ed This story got lost in the queues}
Well hello there everyone, this is your old pal Saddam Hussein
(supreme ruler of Iraq, Kuwait, and those parts of Neptune with
lots of oil) hoping that you're feeling as grrrrrreat as I am...
I feel so good I could eat a new-born baby -- in fact I'm having
one for dinner.
Welcome to 1991, a year which is going to be a bundle of fun
from beginning to end, guys.
Now to all you servicemen in the Gulf... go home, guys. Your
wife is currently committing adultery with Donald Duck, Bugs
Bunny and Dan Quail -- funny how all these sexy stars have animal
names isn't it? Still who can forget my old pal Camel Attaturk...
Now, what you're all wondering is... will I be invading the
United States after January 15th, in order to win back Alaska in
the most holy name of Mohammed? Historically of course Alaska is
a part of Iraq, and the Americans only took it to ensure their
oil interests. Well, Bushy, old man, you've been found out. The
Baghdad branch of the United Nations (chairman Saddam Hussein,
vice-chairman Mr Toxiq Gaziz) has met and unanimously condemned
your actions. So there. Anyway the invasion date for Alaska is
being kept secret, because we can't trust our generals to turn up
on the right date anyway, but it'll probably be on February 8th.
It's been a good year in Iraq. Fiscal growth this year was about
10%, mostly in the form of Kuwaiti postage stamps. Any of you
collectors like to buy some? We've also been rebuilding our
ancient heritage -- as some of you know, I am directly descended
from Belshazzar the King, so we're now putting up some new
apartments in Babylon. We're also giving Sodom and Gomorrah a
face-lift as well -- they should provide a tourist attraction to
rival Disneyland, know what I mean?
Well, that's about the end of my new year message. I've got to
put on my wig now and act as Lord Chief Justice of Baghdad.
Luckily we find all prisoners guilty unless they pay me in
advance of the trial, so it's not going to take long.
Bye for now. I love you all.
Your own Emperor Saddam the Cuddly, supreme ruler of Neptune,
twice voted 'most sexy moustache of Baghdad', camel-driving
certificate (first class), doctor of philosophy.
english.439dejanr,
Spam Tater-Tot Velveeta De-lites
"Served hot or cold, this savory party favorite is sure to be the last snack
on the tray!"
Serves 3 - 103
1 can SPAM 1 loaf Velveeta
1 bag Tater Tots 1 bunch of decorative Toothpicks
1. Arrange Tater Tots on cookie sheet and bake, as directed on the bag,
at 450 for 20 minutes or until crisp, golden-brown, and appealing. (It's
probably best to play it safe here and just do them for the 20 minutes.)
0. I forgot to tell you: You've got to pre-heat the oven first.
2. Slice the Spam into thin slices which would be about large enough
each to put one Tater Tot on top of, taking into account shrinkage due to
frying.
3. Fry the Spam slices until they're resistant, in the Italian phrase,
"to the teeth."
4. Slice the Velveeta into thin slices which would be about large
enough to secure over a Tater Tot resting on a slice of fried Spam with a
decorative toothpick before melting.
5. Arrange the slices of fried Spam on another cookie sheet. On
each, place a Tater Tot and then a Velveeta slice, securing the arrangement
with a decorative toothpick. Bake at 300 for 10 minutes, or until the
Velveeta has melted over the Tater Tots and onto the fried Spam, the cookie
sheet, and the oven floor.
6. Garnish with gherkins, capers, carrot curls, celery stalks, cucumber
sticks, and radish florets, and enjoy. If you're serving them cold and
congealed, try a warm Wesson-and-salt dip.
english.440dejanr,
Heard in an interview with George Will on WSB Radio, Atlanta:
Caller: "What do you think about football?"
Will: "Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of
American life. Violence and committee meetings."
english.441dejanr,
From today's New York Times:
Q. What's the new Saudi national anthem?
A. Onward Christian Soldiers.
Q. How do you get an elephant out of a theatre?
A. You can't. It's in their blood.
english.442dejanr,
And the Lord said unto Noah: "Where is the ark which I have commanded
thee to build?"
And Noah said unto the Lord: "Verily, I have had three carpenters off
ill. The gopher wood supplier hath let me down -- yea, even though the wood
hath been on order for nigh upon twelve months. What can I do, Lord?"
And the Lord said unto Noah: "I want that ark finished after seven
days and seven nights."
And Noah said: "It will be so."
And it was *not* so. And the Lord said unto Noah: "What seemeth to
be the trouble this time?"
And Noah said unto the Lord: "Mine subcontractors hath gone bankrupt.
The pitch which thou commandest me to put on the outside of the ark hath
not arrived. Shem, my son who helpeth me, hath formed a rock group with
his brothers Ham and Japeth. Lord I am undone. Bring on the rains."
And the Lord grew very angry and said: "And what about the animals,
the male and female of every sort that I ordered to come unto thee to keep
their seed alive upon the face of the earth?"
And Noah said: "They hath been delivered unto the wrong address but
should arrive on friday."
And the Lord said: "How about the unicorns and the fowls of the air by
sevens?"
And Noah wrung his hands, saying: "Lord, unicorns are a discontinued
line; thou canst not get them for love nor money. And fowls of the air are
sold only in half-dozen lots. Lord, thou knowest how it is."
And the Lord in his wisdom spoke: "Noah, my son, what about the
insurance, in case thou should run this ark aground atop Mt. Ararat?"
And Noah was downcast, saying: "My independent insurance agent telleth
me there doth exist a market crunch. Companies liketh not writing insurance
for an ark. They fear it will be used for water skiing. They doubt my
wisdom as captain. Only one company hath said it would insure this vessel
and it would charge seventy times seven pieces of silver, with a 250-pound
sacrificial lamb deductible.
"Verily, the tribute is higher than heaven and yet we cannot get
delivery of the policy for nigh upon three months, for the company hath
changed to an abacus and the beads are stuck fast."
Having spoken thus, Noah wept.
And the Lord went forth and did likewise.
english.443dejanr,
Copyright 1991 Patrick D. Scannell
Used by Permission
Churn, Churn, Churn
(a song parody)
To everything (churn churn churn)
There is a deadline (churn churn churn)
And a time you should have finished every project.
A time to debug, a time to code,
To test local mail, to send node to node,
A time to build, and to integrate,
And a time to explain why it's late
To everything (churn churn churn)
There is a deadline (churn churn churn)
And a time you should have finished every project.
A time to reboot, a time to crash,
A time for checks, a time for cash,
A time to rush, a time to wait,
And a ti-ime to be-e kept waiting,
To everything (churn churn churn)
There is a deadline (churn churn churn)
And a time you should have finished every project.
A time to eat lunch, a time to write specs,
A time to go home, a time to have fun,
A time to work, a time to work,
And a time to work o-overtime
To everything (churn churn churn)
There is a deadline (churn churn churn)
And a time you should have finished every project.
A time to reflect, a time to explain,
A time to object, a time to refrain,
A time to agree, a time to fight,
But no time to do the job right
To everything (churn churn churn)
There is a deadline (churn churn churn)
And a time you should have finished every project.
A time to design, a time to code,
To send local mail, to send node to node,
A time to build, a time to test,
And a time to be taken away for a long rest
To everything (churn churn churn)
There is a deadline (churn churn churn)
And a time you should have finished every project.
english.444dejanr,
The following appears in a Southwest Airlines newspaper ad in the 12/28/90
Arizona Republic. It is repeated three times in fine print in a box
labeled "Other Airlines' Restrictions." The box has a big messy X through it,
so it is a good thing that they repeated it three times or I never could
have transcribed it in its entirety...
"Seat availability is limited and seats may not be available on all flights.
Travel for qualifying trips must occur between 2/12/91 and 2/13/91. Fares are
one-way requiring a round-trip purchase 21 days in advance or 28 days in
advance during leap years. Minimum stay of 4 days is required, except for
Tuesday departures which require a 7 day minimum stay. Fares are non-refundable
and may not be available when you call. Passenger must be a Sagittarius, unless
the moon is in Jupiter. Fares may be higher for travel on peak days, summer
solstice, and employee birthdays. **Travel must commence by 5/3/91 for frequent
flyer members and between enrollment date and 5/6/91 for new members. A
Saturday night stay is required, but if originating on a Saturday, only a
Wednesday morning stay is required. Tickets may be used only when accompanied
by a lawyer. Phoenix-to-Los Angeles route may include unannounced stops in
Atlanta or Madrid. Fares do not include "nonpertainable aviation compensation
fees," which may be extra. ***Sale tickets prohibit the use of restrooms during
flights. Fares are subject to random adjustments on five minutes notice. Seat
availability is limited and some passengers may be required to stand. Travel is
valid in the Continental U.S. only and the Central Time Zone only on alternate
Sundays. Reservations are required. No jeans, T-shirts, sandals, shorts,
striped
or polka-dotted clothing may be worn by passengers holding sale tickets. +This
offer not valid in conjunction with any discount coupon, voucher, certificate
or promotional offer by any airline, video rental outlet or supermarket.
Tickets
may be given to family members except second cousins and relatives who never
call or write but visit every year at Christmas time. Identification and/or
character witnesses may be required. ++Terms and conditions are subject to
change without notice. Stopovers not allowed. Not valid for travel during
months
ending in "R." This offer void were prohibited by law, where people just don't
like it, or wherever you happen to live. For a complete list of new and amended
regulations associated with this offer, keep watching this space in your daily
newspaper."
english.445dejanr,
Author: Peter Shipley
Pros and Cons of dating a vampire
Pro Con
Long relationships Spend your time in a hypnotic daze
Allowed to stay out late Parents can be hell
Easy weight loss You always feel tired (loss of blood)
Centuries of experience Oral sex can be lethal
Immune to all venereal diseases Always has cold feet (and blood)
Always has amazing stamina Never able to spend the day in bed
Loves neck nibbling Pet names that give you chills
Rarely interested in arguing religion Strange friends
Never comes home with garlic breath Giggles at funerals
Don't have to worry about what color Hard to win a argument
clothes to wear. No romantic sunsets
May forget own strength during orgasm
english.446dejanr,
[A satire of "What Happens During the First Second of an Auto Crash"
posted on misc.consumers]
The following was apparently put out by the Georgia USENET Society
and is copied from the LA Buy-Rite Bargain Finder without permission.
LITTLE KNOWN FACTS THAT DESERVE YOUR ATTENTION
Do you know what happens in the first ten seconds after reading a stupid
posting on USENET?
In the first second, you scan the article. You have little suspicion
of what is about to happen to you.
In the second second, you stop dead in your tracks. Incredulously, you
go back and re-read the especially stupid sentence.
"Perhaps," you charitably think, "I read it incorrectly." You didn't.
In the third second, you skip to the bottom of the article and check
for ":-)"s. You don't find any. You mutter to yourself "Jeez... This
dweeb is serious."
In the fourth second, you look at the author's name. Perhaps the posting
is from the .edu domain, and therefore should be chalked up to a
practical joke posted from an unattended terminal, or just the outpourings
of an immature undergraduate mind. Nope! The poster is from .com!
The fifth second finds you undergoing many body changes. The hair on the
back of your neck stands on end, and your fingers start twitching. Your
face flushes red in reaction to your building rage, indignation, or
just shock. You kick off your tightly laced shoes.
In the sixth second, the middle finger of your right hand drifts over the
"k" key on the keyboard. Your finger continues to tremble, but it does not
press the key.
In the seventh second, the muscle tone vanishes from the middle finger of
your right hand. Simultaneously, the index finger of the left hand
drifts over the "r" key and almost presses it down.
In the eighth second, the index finger of the left hand, having done a
decoy over the "r" key, slips down the keyboard and firmly presses
the "f" key. The right pinky, unnoticed in all the action, has already
pressed the shift key down.
In the ninth second, your favorite editor presents a lovely display
suitable for commentary by your witty prose.
In the tenth second, your fingers rip loose, vaults of flame fly open,
and volatile reactions break free, destined to strike the orignial
author from all directions.
The hostile comments bombarding the original author don't bother him,
because he is a dweeb.
NOW WILL YOU FLAME CREATIVELY?
english.447dejanr,
Q: What sound does a space turkey make?
A: hubble, hubble, hubble.
english.448dejanr,
[original, written by me late 1988. Not published, although shown to
perhaps a half dozen people and posted where about 2 dozen people
could read it]
-Dick King king@reasoning.com
In the beginning, swordfighting duelists fought without ever touching a
glove. The loser died with a big blister on his index finger, and the
winner lived with a big blister on his index finger; this made for ugly
corpses and set a fundamental limit as to how many people a duelist could
kill per month [the accepted number was six]*.
So they started going down to the hardware store and buying an ordinary pair
of leather work gloves. This cut down on the blistering -- some of the
better duelists could then kill as many as a dozen people per month -- but
then, as now, few were truly ambidextrous, and the glove was rather
pointless on the left [or, less commonly, the right] hand.
For a while, they threw them out. When you wanted to challange someone you
shouted "You're about as useful as a left-hand glove**. I challange you to a
duel to the DEATH at dawn tomorrow!". But fathers, having just bought their
sons a $300 dueling foil when they came of age, were loathe to also go out and
buy them a pair of gloves and, on top of that, to throw away half their
investment***. So they grumpily told them "find some use for this". These
sons did; they abbreviated a shout of "You're about as useful as a left-hand
glove." to a slap with a left-hand glove****.
Well, the eons passed. Now there's a store in San Francisco that'll sell a
single glove, made for swordfighting. So I don't feel I'm wasting anything
to not slap the other guy in the face with the non-existant other glove when
I want to arrange some fencing*****.
But that's 'cause I'm a wimp. Everyone knows that San Francisco is mostly
full of fruits, and real men would certainly never shop there, especially in
a store that also sells tights. Real men make their own weapons with
blacksmith's tools, they shun rubber tips******, and they certainly don't
need masks and jackets. So they use gloves from the hardware store,
shunning shops in Shan Franshishco. So they probably still slap each other
in the face with otherwise unused gloves. But I don't know for sure. I
live too close to San Francisco to have ever seen a Real Man.
--------------------
* it also set the same limit on the number of times you could BE killed per
month. This was less of a problem, because most people gave up after two
or three losses.
** left-handed duelists shouted "You're about as useful as a right-hand
glove.", confusing their right-handed enemies greatly
*** except for those lucky fathers of twins, one of each handedness
**** Some historians attribute this shorthand to a deaf-mute duelist
who was trying to develop a sign language sign for "You're about as
useful as a left-hand glove" .
***** It's a good thing. Usually I use the phone or computer mail.
****** And they plug electric weapons into 220-volt lines
english.449dejanr,
The following was given to me by a co-worker. This once again
proves that truth is stranger than fiction, and bad translations
are funniest of all. This pamphlet was included in a sack of RICE.
All spacings, capitalizations, and indentations are as they were
on the pamphlet.
THE RICE QUIZ
What forms part of any meal across seven continents of the
world ? Well, rice, talking of quality Rice ?
Which is the best ?
Pari Brand Rice of course !
Processed and packed by SACHDEVA AND SONS, PARI
BRAND Dehraduni Basmati Rice is gleefully served on dining
tables across the world starting from Middle East , Gulf
Countries , E.E.C. Countries to U.S.A. and of course in
Sophisticated homes all over the world. A top notch foreign
exchang [sic] earner, PARI RICE Exports and Sales have been
record breaking
<drawing of globe with large arrow circling it and many hands
below it. They appear to be waving. >
2. Quality Confidence
Thanks for the purcase [sic] of PARI BASMATI RICE and the
confidence you have reimposed in our product.
No Rice in the world has natural Aroma as PARI BASMATI
RICE, quality wise you can judge how best in our product.
Rice in your hand is of crop year 1988-1989, just harvested,
milled and packed. New crop Rice becomes somewhat mooshy
or may unite together but flavour, Aroma and taste is better than
old Rice.
3. Quality Rice, Thy Name is Pari
PARI STANDS FOR PURITY is processed from Paddy, grown
best qualities and varieties of Paddy seeds, Natural manure is
used in its cultivation, instead of fertilizers and chemicals
commonly used.Paddy is watered from rain,snow fed rivers of
Himalayas and mountains.
Though never a much publicised affair PARI BASMATI RICE
already is a well known brand ! Thanks to its extra-ordinary
quality borne out of..........
* Natural drying under the sun.
* Scientific double cleaning.
* Vitamins preserved in natural form.
* Fumigation to avoid insects borne infections.
* Hygienically packed in 13% moisture controlled.
Polypropylene Bags double sealed.
<drawing of smiling sun either rising or setting over rice paddy>
UNIQUE FEATURES
And on top of it,all has natural nutrition delicious taste and
easy digestibility.
PARI RICE is natural cream to white in colour, full of fragrance
and exceptionally long (6 to 8 mm) grain which grows up to 2.5
times when cooked. Each grain remains separate and rich in
vitamins.
5. Imitations Galore yet Genuine is the Best.
Imitating the best is a world wide racket. So is PARI, but locating
and prosecuting such scoundrels is a long drawn out process.
Your best protection is to buy PARI BASMATI RICE from our
genuine distributors, sub distributors and local Agents.
< drawing of happy woman with small sack of rice, cumulous
clouds and palm trees in background >
6. Bargain Trial Offer
Place a bargain trial order with our dealers, any quantity, be it
1 Kg, 2 kgs, 5 kgs, 10 kgs, or 20 kgs. whatsoever be your choice.
Please hurry up.
We are sure a rendervous [sic] with PARI BASMATI RICE will change
your concept of good Rice. No wonder, if you become a PARI
addict. We just can't help it ! It is so good and becomes your first
choice.
< drawing of woman running towards big sack of rice sitting on
steps of open doorway. Framed in cumulous cloud. >
7. Sorry - Agricultural Product.
We fumigated, cleaned and recleaned so many times before
packing and more or less, READY TO COOK, but 0.001%
fraction in cleaning may be there. As it is agricultural product, so
before cooking, go through and check it.
Sorry for inconvenience, facts we are before you. After
purchasing our PARI RICE, please destroy, tear off all the seals
over Bag.
Please Don't Use
EXTRA ORDINARY, SHINING, GLAZED/
TWINKLED RICE
Reason
HAVING NO FOOD VALUE
Avoid use of pressure cooker to get good results
9. Follow Cooking Instructions.
Method of Cooking
1. Leave rice in plain water to soak for abot [sic] 25-30 minutes before
cooking.
2. Rinse rice and drain off the water.
3. For every cup of rice add 6 cups of water.
4. Add salt to taste, and few drops of fresh lime juice (if possible).
5. Let rice boil for 10-15 minutes till the same become tender.
6. Drain off the excess boiled rice water in separate pan.
You can use this water for soups as some of the vitamins and
richness of rice will be there.
7. Please do not stir the rice at this stage.
8. Leave the pot on gentle heat for about 10 seconds with lid on till
the rice get ready to serve
DON'T STIR OR DISTURB THE RICE
9. Take the pot off the heat. PARI RICE are now ready to serve.
You will find that Long grain PARI RICE after cooking become
needle like and 2 1/2 times larger than their original size and are giving
RICH AROMA AND FRAGRANCE WHICH YOU GET ONLY from
Original Dehraduni PARI Basmati Rice.
"PARI" RICE ARE FULL OF EXTRA AROMA AND DELITE.
Sachdeva's Product
PARI BRAND est un riz basmati de qulite superieure,
produit et prepare en INDE.
Le riz PARI BRAND est cultive selson les methodes
traditionelles sans l'intervention de produits chimiques.
Seche au solcil, il garde ses vitamines et toutes ses
qualites nutrionelles.
Il possede le parfum unique du riz basmati.
A la cuisson la longueur de chaque grain de riz est
multipliee par un facteur de 2.5. Essayez le et vous
serez convaincu de sa tres grande qualite.
Achetez uniquement les sacs doublement scelles.
english.450dejanr,
The Cleveland Browns football team hasn't been doing well lately. The
following photocopy, discovered on a bulletin board somewhere, was no
doubt drafted by bitter fans when the team lost one game 42-0. Or
maybe it was after the coach was fired the following week...
CLEVELAND BROWNS
Football Schedule 1990
----------------------
September 12 Dayton Junior High School
September 19 Cub Scout Troop No. 101
September 26 Ohio Academy for the Blind
October 3 Crippled Childrens' Home
October 17 St. George Home for Wayward Girls
October 21 Girl Scout Troop No. 69
November 1 Ohio V.D. Clinic Post #3
November 7 Akron Boys Choir
November 14 Korean War Amputees
November 21 VA Hospital Polio Patients
Rule Changes From Last Year
---------------------------
1. When playing the polio patients, the Browns must not disconnect any
leg braces.
2. When playing the girl scouts, the Browns must not eat their cookies.
3. When playing the blind academy, the Browns must not hide the
football in their jerseys.
4. When playing the Korean War Amputees, the Browns must not file any
protests about players with one leg being harder to tackle.
Rules the Same as Last Year
---------------------------
1. A Browns touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the
goal-line for all you fans who have never seen one) is still worth
21 points.
2. The Browns will be allowed 27 men on the field at all times.
3. The Browns will be allowed to substitute with band members at any
time during the course of the game.
Name Changes
------------
The Cleveland Browns name will be changed to the Cleveland Tampons,
as they are good for one period only and don't have a second string.
Coaching Changes
----------------
Bud will be replaced by Linda Lovelace. She will no doubt blow a few
but she won't choke on the big ones.
english.451dejanr,
[Ovo je bilo šifrovano ;) ]
Seen today in midtown Manhattan felt-penned in large letters over a
non-functioning toilet bowl somewhat overflowing with solids:
WHO SAYS THERE AIN'T NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH?
english.452zsiz,
A man is dying. His beloved loves are with him. The man is speaking. "I have
loved three things. The first is:
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Honey - from the St. Louis TBBS
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*******************************************************************************
english.453zsiz,
A traffic policeman has stoped a speeding car. The driver:
"What is wrong officer, were we going too fast?". The
policeman: "No, Sir, you weren`t driving too fast - just
flying too low!".
english.454zsiz,
Two women are talking and having tea. Sudenly, through the
open window, a flying-saucer zooms into the room. The guest
is startked and drops her tea-cup. The host is imperturbed
and says: " That`s one of the inconvencieces of living in
such a high flat."
english.455zsiz,
Two Scopts in kilts meet on the street. The first Scot is
wearing a mini-kilt. He explains to his baffled kinsman:
" My wife insists I keep up with the trend!".
english.456zsiz,
A patient is on the operating table. Two surgeons are beside
the table while one is lying under the operating table and is
opearting the patent. One of the surgeons says, in a whisper,
to the other surgeon: " He used to work in a garage".
english.457dejanr,
I found this warning on a small utility knife in MIT's lab supply:
Caution. Blade is sharp. Keep out of children.
english.458dejanr,
A bum got on a subway car. He smelled of cheap women and cheap wine. He was
dirty and had a porno magazine in his pocket. When he got in he sat down
next to a priest and started reading the newspaper. After a few minutes,
he asked the priest how a person got arthritis. The priest replied that you
got arthritis be drinking too much, being with cheap women, not washing and
reading smut. The bum said oh, okay. After a few minutes, the priest started
to feel guilty and turned to the bum and apoligized for snapping at him and
asked him why he wanted to know. The bum said that he read that the Pope had
arthritis.
english.459zsiz,
A dog steps on a balance with a plaque "SPEAKS YOUR WEIGHT".
The loudspeaker spits out: "WOOF WOOF-WOOF WOOF".
english.460zsiz,
In a cell two jailbirds are talking. The first says: " I
didn`t get as far as the jeweller`s window - the cops caught
me pinching a brick!".
english.461zsiz,
A man walks past the Rangers` dressing room. He is has a hat
with the Rovers` colours and Rovers written on it. He has
trousers in Rovers` colours. On his lapel he has Rovers
badge. Around his neck he has a shawl with Rovers` colours.
Two Rangers` players are looking at the man and frowning. One
of them says: "Hey - isn`t that the ref?".
english.462zsiz,
A knight in armour is tucking into a sumpuous lunch. The look
on his face belies that he is enjoying his lunch. After a few
minutes he says: "Food just doesn`t taste the same in a tin!"
english.463zsiz,
Pipaya - " Do fish have good eyesight? "
Dyan - " Well, I`ve never seen one wearing glasses! "
english.464zsiz,
Popaya - " What are hailstones "
Hraks - " Hard-boiled raindrops "
english.465zsiz,
Deyan - " What sort of boat would you use to shoot rapids "
Alexy - " A gunboat "
english.466zsiz,
Alux - " What kind of leather makes the best shoes? "
Hroks - " I don`t know, but banana skins make the best
slippers! "
english.467dejanr,
{ed Please folks, no more trek parodies.}
And now, in further more reasonably exciting continuation of
the Parody of the Month Club's Star Trek season, we follow with the
second part of Star Trek the Degeneration - Encounter at Centrepoint.
======================================================================
We left the plot with Commander William Stryker having just seen
the plot summary on the holo-viewer, and docked the Enterprise
manually. He now strides with great purpose toward Captain Pickaxe's
cabin.
"Enter."
"Hardly a run of the mill happening, sir."
"Nonsense - I go in and out of doors all the time."
"I meant the encounter with Q, sir."
"Hmm, yes, of course you did. By the way, congratulations on the
docking - a routine maneuver, but you carried it out with a minimal
special effects budget. Would you mind if I asked you a few
questions?"
"Not at all sir - after all, you are the captain."
"So, a Captain's rank means nothing to you?"
"No sir, you're reading the wrong bit of the script - there's
several lines before we get to that bit."
"Oh, yes, hmm, first question then Mr Stryker - what is a
Shakespearian actor like myself doing acting in a space-bound farce
like this?"
"Permission to speak candidly, sir?"
"Always."
"The producers needed something to justify the amount of money we
spend on each episode, so they hired a bald Englishman to play a
Frenchman and add some culture."
"If they wanted culture, they could have hired yoghurt."
"Maybe so, sir, but they didn't want anything to out-act the rest
of the cast. Except the scenery, of course."
"Second question - you refused to let your previous Captain to beam
down to Thestus four - Why?"
"Because I had to watch after the ratings on such a dangerous
planet."
"He sent ordinary red-jersey personnel down to Thestus four?"
"No sir, not that sort of ratings - I was trying for 'most popular
hero in a hazardous alien environment' award, and I wasn't going to
let the Captain hog all my glory."
"So a Captain's rank means nothing to you?"
"On the contrary, sir - I think my personal ratings would soar if I
were a Captain. Besides, the special effects were too dangerous for a
man of his age."
"I see. In that case, I'd appreciate it if you'd use that same
sense of self-grandisement and preservation of senior citizens to stop
me from doing that which I am most prone to."
"What, being an ass with children?"
"No, I mean to stop me surrendering my ship every time we meet the
Ferengi. Now go and find Data, and take it down to Denim 4. See if
you can find something that we can shoot Q with."
Stryker turns and heads off to the bridge. We accompany him,
courtesy of the shaky cameraman with him.
"Mr Rowf - where is Commander Data?"
"He's escorting a visiting admiral back to the Hood. They're
taking the shuttle craft."
"Why don't they teleport across?"
"I don't know, sir - it never seemed to bother the Admiral when he
was with Kirk. Still, he is a remarkably crotchety old codger.
According to Federation Records, he's been that way for the last
hundred and thirty four years."
"But Admiral, I don't see why you couldn't just beam across to the
Hood." (I hope you noticed the scene shift there - we're now walking
down one of the Enterprise's interminable twisty little corridors, all
alike)
"You got any reason why you want my atoms scattered from here to
kingdom come, boy?"
"Would a deeply ingrained hatred of bigoted medics do as a reason?
Besides, I would have thought that at your age..."
"How old do you think I am?"
"One hundred thirty five years six months twenty four days six
hours and thirty seven minutes, according to Federation Records.
You're Gemini, and you were born in the year of the pig. Your
favourite music is by Stock Aitken and Waterman, you have practically
no brains, and your wrinkly make-up is only narrowly less convincing
than the wig you wore in Star Trek V."
"How d'you know all that, boy? Ah don't see no pointy ears."
"I beg your pardon, sir?"
"Ah said, AH DON'T SEE NO POINTY EARS! Whole lot of green make-up
and some fluorescent contact lenses, yes, but no pointy ears."
"I fail to see the connection, sir."
"You're sure you ain't a Vulcan?"
"No sir, I am an android - a perfect replica of a human being,
except for the brain, the skin, the eyes, and certain bodily parts
out of proportion."
"Almost as bad."
"I thought the Vulcans were viewed as a civilised and honorable
race."
"They are, but they're downright annoying - give 'em some pointy
ears, they think they can direct movies. How much further is the
shuttle bay, anyway?"
"Another six lines of script away, sir. It's a far bigger
Enterprise than you're used to."
"So how come the turbo-lifts can still only fit three people? But
never mind - she's got the right name - you remember that. Treat her
like a lady, she'll always bring you home."
"How come you made it every episode?"
Another scene-shift now, as we move on board the bridge of the
Enterprise, where Jean-Luc Pickaxe has just arrived.
"Did you signal the Hood?"
"Yes Captain - your exact words - 'My dog has no nose.'"
"And what was his reply?"
"You're wasting time, Captain." the basso profundi along with a
standard echo effect on the voice heralds the arrival of Q.
"Ha! I knew it! He's forgotten the punchline again!"
"No, mon capitaine - 'tis I, your erstwhile antagonist."
The entire cast swing round to face the viewer where Q's face has
appeared. He is wearing a charming little black snood, and his best
mean expression.
"Mr Rowf - put down your gun. Would you shoot the viewer screen?"
"I'm a Klingon sir - what did you expect?"
"Oh excellent, my dear captain - your species is living up to my
best hopes."
"In case you hadn't noticed, Q, he's a Klingon - the only one on
this ship with the back-combed forehead. We only keep him here to get
around the Commission for Racial Equality."
"Very well captain, but be warned - you have only twelve more hours
to solve this mystery, or your lives are forfeit." and with an evil
cackle, his image fades away.
Calm is once more restored to the bridge, and Pickaxe makes his way
down to the teleport bay. Along the way, he picks up Commander
Stryker.
"Commander Stryker, I want you to accompany the away team on this
mission. I'll introduce you to the other members of the team in a
moment. For now, I want you to meet the ship's councillor, Day'n'a
Night."
As if by magic, as they turn the corner, the woman is standing
there. It's very easy to hit your cues when you're telepathic.
A mysterious disembodied voice rings out across the corridor: "Do
you remember what I taught you all those years ago?"
Stryker says nothing, but a dopey smile plays across his face.
"We've met before, Captain."
"I'm not surprised, Stryker - she seems to be on intimate terms
with anything in trousers. Now, come with me to Grappler Zorn's
residence - we wish to discuss whether they can offer Green Shield
Stamps or not."
Another scant scene-change later, and we find ourselves in the
Grappler's dingy little hole.
"Grappler Zorn, we are very impressed with the speed with which you
have built this space station. We feel we have much to learn from
your techniques."
"Well, our methods are simple - we have good engineers, we design
our structures well, and any illegal aliens we can find work like
buggery for next to nothing. We modeled that bit on your own system
of a few centuries ago."
"Agreed, Grappler, but you've used construction materials and
methods we can't even begin to guess at. We would like to ask your
engineers to explain them to the boffins at Star Fleet Headquarters."
"I'm sorry Captain, but we Bandy are very simple folk - we do not
enjoy leaving our home world."
"Not even on a visiting lectureship basis?"
"Captain, you are asking an awful lot of awkward questions, and the
plot really isn't advancing. I could sell this station to other
interested parties with less complicated scripts - the Ferengi for
instance..."
Zorn is cut off by a slight whimper from Day'n'a.
"What is it, Councillor?"
"Do you want me to say in front of the Grappler, sir?"
"Of course, we have no secrets here. Do we, Grappler?"
"Discounting one super-powerful alien being on each side, no
secrets that I know of."
"Very well, sir." Day'n'a's face contorts in a desperate attempt to
avoid method acting. "I feel a great pain, anguish, despair..." her
voice pans out gradually.
"Loss?"
"Yes, loss, and ... desolation, and sadness, disappointment,
disillusionment, unhappiness, distrust, and - and - um - and - well,
thingy."
"Thank you Day'n'a - stop padding your parts any more than that.
Is it one of the Grappler's people?"
"No sir - it's much bigger than that. Whatever it is feels deep
resentment, loss, loneliness..."
"We'd better teleport up to the Enterprise for a new dictionary."
Aboard the Enterprise once more, Beverly Crusher is examining Jordi
la Farce. To be more precise, she's examining the bit of gold-painted
corrugated cardboard through which he pretends to see. She hands it
back to Jordi, who fits it into the retaining bolts either side of his
head. Shades of Frankenstein there, hmm?
"Like you say, doc - it's a fascinating piece of engineering - they
spray a piece of cardboard with gold paint, and immediately I can see
the whole e-m spectrum, infra-red, X-ray, ultra-violet - you wouldn't
believe how much I can see of that cute blonde in securi...ACKK!"
"Shame it's not 360 degree vision, eh Jordi?"
"Urgle, gack ickle hi, Nasher."
"Hi yourself - you're to come with us on the away team."
"Sure - what we playing? Basketball or football?"
Meanwhile, Stryker is once more on his eternal quest for Data. He
stops a grinning flunky - the only walk-on part with a voice.
"Excuse me - could you tell me where I might find Commander Data?"
"Yes sir - you must be new to this series."
"We all are - this is the pilot episode."
"No, sir - I mean this series of space craft - the Galaxy series.
Simply press the panel here and ask the computer. Like this.
COMPUTER!!! TELL ME THE LOCATION OF COMMANDER DATA." she yells.
"One chicken soup coming up, Dave."
"Excuse me, sir, the computer's on loan from another series. We're
just ironing out the bugs. COMPUTER, IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHERE THAT
ANDROID IS, YOU'RE GOING TO BE STARING DOWN THE BOTTOM OF YOUR
BIT-BUCKET FOR THE NEXT TWENTY YEARS."
"All my circuits are functioning normally, Dave - I suggest that if
you have any problems dealing with computers, you should talk to
Commander Data."
"WHERE THE HELL IS HE THEN, COMPUTER?"
"That sentence does not compute, Dave - I suggest you query
Commander Data as to the correct syntax."
"I'll kill that fardling computer one of these days."
"Correct syntax, Dave - Commander Data is on the holo-deck. Please
follow the bouncing ball, and sing along when it bounces on the
words."
A panel lights up along the wall, and as Stryker follows it, the
bouncing ball keeps pace with him. Two choruses of 'Follow The Yellow
Brick Road' later, and he stands before the door marked HOLODECK. The
door opens with its customary hiss, and Stryker is momentarily
silhouetted against a bad Chromakey of Kew Gardens, before the camera
angle changes and we find him troggling through lush vegetation. A
badly out-of-tune whistling is what finally leads him to Commander
Data, who is sat against a tree trying to whistle a nursery rhyme.
Stryker assists in the final verse, attracting Data's attention.
"Amazing."
"What is?"
"The way humans do that so easily."
"What, whistle?"
"No, remind you how badly out of tune you are."
"Never mind that - you're coming with me and the rest of the away
team - we need to examine Farpoint, and your analytical abilities are
needed, along with your logical mind. Without a Vulcan, you're the
next best thing. Shame you're an android, really."
"That's another thing I hate about humans - they're so prejudiced.
Unlike us machines."
As they walk towards the exit, the discussion ranges on to such
topics as how the holo-deck works. It's important to remember this,
because it leads to an explanation of why the holo-deck is used for so
many of the future episodes. I'll skip over it, and carry on to the
bit where a loud noise reaches the two officers - a noise that chills
their very corpuscles.
"Oh no - Wesley's found us."
"Hey, Wesley, come an join us - the stepping stones are the safest
route!"
"Yeah, especially the middle one - it's very stable - bounce up and
down on it for a while."
The inevitable happens, and cheers break out around the audience as
they finally notice that Wesley is in a life-threatening situation.
"Hey, we've finally found out how to get rid of Wesley!"
"Yeah, but who are they going to replace him with?"
"According to Star Fleet Records, they're going to use one of
Esther Ranzen's 'Children of Courage'."
"You'd better fish Wesley out then."
Data bounds over to the stones, leaping with a grace and speed only
available to androids with Air-Wear soles. He reaches Wesley just as
the little sucker is about to go under for the third time, and hauls
him out of the water with one hand. Wesley shows suitable admiration.
"Wow! Pee Wee Herman!"
"Come on - we'd better get you out of here before you start
climbing the fake trees."
Outside in the corridor, Wesley and Stryker meet Captain Pickaxe,
who takes one look at Wesley before showing how good he's become with
children.
"Get that out of here - I will not tolerate drips on my spaceship."
"I guess I'd better find a towel, sir."
"Don't bother - just climb into a torpedo tube and press the red
button."
The away team has finally been assembled, and is beamed down to
Farpoint. Underneath the marketplace is where we find them, having
decided that nothing of interest was happening on the surface.
"Jordi, can you make any sense out of these corridors?"
"No sir - they're made out of nothing I've ever seen before, or
even heard of."
"In that case, I suggest you borrow the video library's copy of
Aliens. Day'n'a, what do you sense?"
"I've tried not to open my mind, sir - the emotions are very
strong."
"Please, I'd like you to open it."
"Very well sir, but only one end."
For a woman who appears to have had an intimate relationship with
Stryker, how come she's so formal towards him?
"What do you feel now?"
"Loneliness, longing, despair - should I go on?"
"No - they'll think we sell thesauri. Let's head for the Bandy
city."
Back on the bridge of the Enterprise, things are proceeding fairly
normally. There is a soft 'ping', and the turbo-lift doors open. Bev
Crusher strides onto the bridge for some reason that I can't quite
remember.
"Dr Crusher - I believe I made it clear that no children were to be
allowed on the bridge."
"Yes, Captain, but you will notice that Wes is not actually on the
bridge - he's cowering in the turbo-lift."
"Maybe, but you will notice that he has his hand on the 'Open Door'
button, which not only ties up the turbo-lift at this level, but also
means that we have to listen to an unending stream of lift music. If
he must stay at this floor, get him out of the lift please."
"Onto the bridge, sir? Wow!" and with a grin usually reserved for
stoned idiots, Wesley leaps onto the bridge.
"Care to try the captain's chair, Wes?"
"Gee, can I? Huh, huh, can I? Huh?"
"Yes, Wesley. Now, these buttons here control armament and
shields, this panel is my communications centre, this one monitors
life support, and these ..."
"... control the vending machines and Space Invader games."
A red light starts flashing, and Wesley starts punching buttons.
"Leave those alone. You don't know what they do."
"Yes I do - they're the scanner controls."
"Oh, is that what they do? So, what's the problem?"
"Perimeter alert, sir. Shall I shoot it?"
"No, Rowf - leave it alone - put it on the viewer, full
magnification. If you really do want something to shoot at, use the
kid for target practice if he touches anything other than the
turbo-lift buttons on his way out."
The ship appears on the viewer as Wesley skids into the turbo-lift.
"Sir, sensors indicate it's modeled on an ELO album cover. Can I
shoot it now?"
"No, Rowf - leave it alone."
"Sir, sensors indicate we were just scanned. Now can I shoot it,
huh? please? huh? huh?"
"Retaliatory action, Rowf - scan them back."
"Aww, not even a tiny photon torpedo, huh?"
"Shut up Rowf - we don't want Q to hear."
"Hear what, mon capitaine? Go on Rowf, shoot the alien git!"
"Ignore him, Rowf. Carry on scanning."
"Sir, sorry to be repetitive, but sensors indicate it's firing on
the Bandy city. Can we join in?"
"Rowf, please try to be civilised. Lock the phasors on the ship.
Start broadcasting standard message to that ship."
"Standard message? You mean 'We surrender' in all major
languages?"
"That's the one. Now put me in contact with the away team."
"Stryker here, captain. The Bandy city's being shot at."
"Yes, we know - see if you can find the Grappler and kidn- I mean,
rescue him. Bring him aboard when you find him."
"Yes sir. Come on Data - run towards the Chromakey backdrop of the
city."
A quick change of scenery later, and we are once again in the
Grappler's pad. The Grappler himself is crouched underneath his desk,
muttering incoherently. Stryker and Data arrive and approach him with
phasors set on Stun.
[Design note on phasors - all the settings are marked Stun. There
are small signs of previous marks having been scratched out, all of
which read 'Kill'.]
"Grappler Zorn, you're coming with us."
"No, please, no - it wasn't me - I didn't do it - it was somebody
else - probably the Ferengi - yes, that was it - the Ferengi - those
Vulcanoids with the cauliflower ears - they did it. Eep!"
And with this last, he disappears completely from view.
"Data, did you say 'One to beam up'?"
"No sir, did you?"
"Not that I recall. Stryker to Enterprise - did you just beam
somebody up?"
"Crackle no, crackle crackle Q crackle crackle teapot."
"In which case two to beam up."
Back on the bridge, Q is beginning to really get on Captain
Pickaxe's nerves.
"Q, if you have no sensible comments to make, will you please get
out of the way. And stop doing that - those security guards are
expensive."
"Okay, you want a sensible comment, try teleporting some of your
people over onto that ship."
"I cannot do that - we don't know what it's like - our scanners
can't get through the exo-shell."
"Sir, with your permission, I'd like to take an away team across
there."
"Very well, Commander Stryker - make your way with Day'n'a, Data
and Yar to the teleport bay. Now, buzz off, Q."
The scene changes to the alien ship. Well, actually, it's the set
used for the tunnels under the Bandy city, which is rather useful in
saving on scenery construction costs.
"Same construction as the tunnels under the Bandy city."
"Yes, we were running short of money. Day'n'a, why have you got
that idiot grin on your face?"
"Sir, I feel great happiness, tremendous satisfaction, enormous
glee, big fun, large enjoyment..."
"Can we do that without the thesaurus?"
"Whose is the satisfaction? One of the ship's crew?"
"Sort of - it's coming from all around - I think it's the ship in
general. Oh, and one other thing - the Grappler's ahead, and he's
pretty narked about something."
The team jog around the corner, into a section which looks
surprisingly like the corridor they just left, but from a different
camera angle. In the middle of the corridor, Grappler Zorn appears to
be perfecting his levitation trick. Four feet above the floor, he is
writhing in the grip of an ominous nebulous something. His screams
echo around the corridor.
"No, ah, no, please, no, don't - please, don't tickle me any more!"
Setting their phasors to stun, Data and Stryker fire on the ominous
nebulous something. The Grappler immediately falls floorwards, where
he bounces off a conveniently placed crash-mat.
"Enterprise, five to beam over."
Back on the bridge, the plot is explained for the thickies.
"Broadcast to the planet to evacuate the Farpoint space station."
"Yes sir. Immediately, sir."
"And Lieutenant Yar, rig the phasor banks to deliver an energy
beam."
"Oh yes, just like that, sir."
"Why not? If that kid can change a tractor beam into a repulsor
field to destroy several billion megaboodles worth of starship, surely
you can change an aggressive plasma beam weapon into a pleasing purple
energy source. Now, fire it on the Farpoint burger bar."
The Farpoint space-station, looking rather like an overgrown
drawing pin (thumb tack for the American amongst you), shimmers
delicately, as the energy beam hits it. It melts almost convincingly
into an amorphous blob of glowing white.
"Sir, the space station is not absorbing any more energy. Shall I
stop the beam?"
"No Yar, we're going to drain the entire batteries of the
Enterprise. What do you think, huh?"
"Yes sir, sorry sir, no need for sarcasm, sir."
The amorphous blob gradually lifts itself free from the planetary
surface. At the same time, the alien ship starts glowing, and unfolds
itself. The two glowing blobs finally show some signs of form, in the
shape of celestial jellyfish. As they meet one another, tentative
tentacles reach out and meet in a soft (albeit squishy) caress.
Everyone watching barfs gently as the only romantic part of the movie
is revealed to involve two alien life-forms with about as much
sex-appeal as one of Calvin's packed lunches. As they float off into
the distance hand in hand in hand in hand in hand (or rather, flobby
organ in flobby organ...), Day'n'a speaks somebody else's mind.
"Sir, I have a feeling of immense gratitude, great thanks,
enormous appreciation..."
"What, that we've given them the energy to go off into the unknown
together?"
"No sir, they're pleased that this parody is finally finished."
======================================================================
Well, that's that - hope you enjoyed it all.
Cheerio!
P.S. One last thing - I noticed an eery tendency during writing this
file to try and kill off Wesley Crusher. Is it just me, or does
everyone feel this way?
english.468dejanr,
Seen in Herb Caen's column in today's San Francisco Chronicle:
Q: "How many members of the coalition forces does it take to screw in
a light bulb?"
A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."
english.469dejanr,
The following are possible new shows being considered for network TV.
Doggie Bowser, MD - The story of a brilliant 5 year old Springer Spaniel
that becomes a brain surgeon.
Wheel of Torture - A gameshow where the blond hostess is spun on a giant
wheel, while contestants earn prizes by hurling large sharp edged letters
at her to spell words.
Murry Brownose - The laugh-a-minute escapades of a young TV reporter who
tries his best to break into the big time by sucking up to the bosses.
Cutie and the Priest - The story of an impossible yet inspiring love-bond
between a cocktail waitress and a poetry reciting bearded clergyman.
Herald O. Revealer - An obnoxious TV personality will break into randomly
selected homes and show on live TV what shocking things people keep in
their closets.
Carlos in Charge - A weekly sitcom about a ruthless yet sensitive
Columbian drug-lord and his two daughters.
This Old Louse - A do-it-yourself show aimed at women who want to improve
the appearence and habits of their husbands.
Married, with Hemorrhoids - A light hearted look at marital life after
age 40.
China Bitch - A drama series centered around the life of a dedicated,
lesbian Vietnam War nurse.
Murder, She Rewrote - A murder-mystery series about a rich, elderly woman
who cleverly solves crimes by using the same script over and over each
week changing only the names.
english.470dejanr,
[Comment on the recent plunge in Unisys stock value]
2
So that's what they mean by the power of .
-Steve Jobs
english.471dejanr,
A Brit and a Scot where standing on a corner talking when an Irishman walked
up. "You know what" said the Irishman, "I just went into that pub over there,
ordered a pint, played some darts and when I walked out of the pub the barman
said to me to pay up. So I told him I paid when I got my pint, the barman did
nothing to me, so I got a free drink!". The Brit like the ideal so much he
went into the pub and did the same thing the Irishman did. The Brit came out
and told the Irishman and the Scot that the barman gave him no trouble either.
So the Scot decides to try this. He walks into the bar and orders a pint.
As he continues to talk to the barman, the barman mentioned the two blokes
who walked out without paying. The Scot asked the barman why he did nothing.
The barman said "We'll I'm not looking for trouble" The Scot replied, "Well
it's getting late, If you give me my change I'll be heading home"
english.472dejanr,
[ News-Flash: at the UN today ]
Officials at the United Nations have announced that a
choice parcel of real estate will soon be unoccupied,
and will be available to become an official homeland
for a Palestinian state. Eviction proceedings against
the current occupant have already begun, and are now
expected to be completed shortly.
According to the UN spokesperson; the parcel, situated
between Kuwait and Syria, may be condsidered to be an
ideal location for the foundation of a homeland for a
Palestinian State.
Officials from the PLO and other Palestinian support
organizations were not available for comment.
english.473dejanr,
Two old men are comparing their sex lives:
Man 1: I can still do it twice!
Man 2: Which time do you enjoy the most?
Man 1: I think the winter.
english.474dejanr,
Recently one of my friends was complaining about being bored stiff with
the daily routine. So here's my own solution to the problem.
*abhijit
----
Top 10 Ways to Combat Boredom (with apologies to David Letterman)
10. Design and implement Ada++
9. Start a campaign to move the Grand Canyon out of Arizona
8. Yell nasty things to friendly neighborhood gangsters while jogging at 3 am
7. Make obscene phone calls to 1-900-FONE-SEX
6. Get to know the inside of your nose
5. Play tackle football with the Eagles' defensive line
4. Suggest new alliances with Middle Eastern terrorist states to President
Bush
3. Practise ventriloquism by saying `Hit me' at blackjack tables in Las Vegas
2. Research material for term paper `The Musical Genius of Milli Vanilli'
1. Ponder on the question that has stumped philosophers for years:
`What makes teflon stick to the frying pan?'
english.475dejanr,
"Do you surrender?"
"I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO FIGHT!"
"Yeah, we noticed. That's why we asked."
english.476dejanr,
There were three pious monks. These monks were so pious, in fact, that
the head abbott decided one day to reward their devotion by granting
them each one day of sin, on the condition that they confess their
activities to him at the end of the day.
So, the day cometh, and the three monks go off into the night to indulge
in all manner of sin.
The first monk saunters in at 1:00 in the morning, and tries to sneak
upstairs to bed. But the head abbott, who was waiting up for the three,
stopped him and demanded that he relate his doings.
"No, head abbott," the first monk said, "it's too evil for me to admit!"
"The deal was for you to tell me everything you did, otherwise you
will not receive absolution!" said the abbott.
So the first monk agreed to tell what he did. "I - I - I drank! And I did
all manner of drugs! And I smoked tea bags and old polyester ties, and I
snorted coffee whitener...."
"Enough!" said the head abbott, enraged. "Those are evil sins, but I
promised to forgive you. Go out back, drink some Holy Water, say some
prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning."
The first monk thankfully went off to follow the abbott's instructions.
The second monk wanders in at 2:00 AM. "What did you do last night?" demanded
the head abbott.
"I can't say! I't much too evil!"
"The agreement was that you must tell me everything you did!"
"Okay," agreed the second monk. "I had all manner of sex. I had sex with
young girls, young boys, small furry quadrupeds, large species of flora,
my CD player..."
"Enough!" cried the head abbott. "That is a truly great sin. But I
promised to give you absolution. Go out back and drink some Holy Water.
Then say some prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning."
The second monk sauntered off to do just that.
And the third and final monk crawls in at 3:00 in the morning.
"What," asks the head abbott, "did you do this evening?"
"No, head abbott, it's too great a sin to admit. I cannot tell!"
"The agreement, monk! You must tell me!"
The third monk bowed his head and nodded. "All right, head abbott. Last
night I...I..."
"Yes?"
"I pissed in the Holy Water."
Ray Deonandan
RAY@BIOVISION.TORONTO.EDU
english.477ivantod,
The next time you write a
journal paper
The following phrases, frequently found in scientific writing, are
defined here for your education and enlightment. This list was created by
an unknown genius who evidently had read one too many scientific papers.
* It has long been known = I haven't bothered to look up the original
reference.
* Of great theoretical and practical importance = Interesting to me.
* While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these
questions = The experiments didn't work out, but I figured I could get
publicity out of it.
* Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study = The results of
others didn't make sense and were ignored.
* Typical results are shown = The best results are shown.
* Presumably at longer times = I didn't take the time to find out.
* Results will be reported at a later date = I might get around to it
sometime.
* It is believed that... = I think that...
* It is generally believed that... = A couple of other guys think so too.
* It might be argued that... = I have such a good answer to this
objection that I shall raise it.
* It is clear that much additional work will be required before a
complete understanding = I don't understand it.
* Thanks are due to Joe Glotz for assistance with the experiment and to
Sam Crud for valuable discussions = Glotz did the work and Crud explained
to me what it meant.
Reprinted from IEEE Aerospace and Electronic Systems
Vol. AES-23, No. 5
english.478dejanr,
Vanilla -- Unix version 7
Plain ol' ice cream.
Chocolate -- AT&T System V
Too rich for some.
Strawberry -- BSD 4.2
Very pink.
Neapolitan -- AIX
What happens when you put all three in the same box.
Rocky Road -- A/UX
Sorta chocolate with lumps.
Ice Milk -- Xenix
Not even as good as vanilla.
Frozen Yogurt -- Mach
It looks and tastes the same as ice cream, but someone will claim it's
better for you, even though there's no real evidence to support that
claim.
Italian Ice -- David Cheriton's V kernel
Hard, minimalist dessert.
Tofutti -- MINIX
An ice cream-like substitute.
Mousse -- OS/2
Sorta looks like ice cream, until you taste it: then you realize it's
not the same thing at all.
Jell-O brand pudding -- Windows 3.0
Cheap mousse.
Custard -- Macintosh
Fancy pudding.
Creme Brulee -- Macintosh System 7.0
Custard with a solid base.
english.479dejanr,
[ Note: This has a humungous amount of included text.
Please cut this to the minimum in followups. ]
giua@ecse.rpi.edu (Alessandro Giua) wrote:
(in soc.culture.british, soc.culture.french, and trial.soc.culture.italian)
| Since some people have already started a multilingual battle across the
| network and particularly in trial.soc.culture.italian, we have thought that
| it may be interesting to start a thesaurus of expressions, names, etc. that
| are being used in each language: if flames have to be written, let them be
| done in style and so that everybody can understand them regardless of the
| country of origin. Let us not be mistaken; this is not a call for a flaming
| crusade, but merely an attempt at collecting multicultural (European) idioms.
| [...] We have compiled below a brief listing of such idioms in English/
| Italian/French, and we encourage our readers to contribute with other
| colorful or spicy expressions they may know, trying to find their
| counterparts in other languages.
Seems to me like this could be useful here - can we have the most idiomatic
versions of these in Turkish, Greek, Armenian and, now it's legal, Kurdish?
I am told "wanker" also works in Greek as it does in English, but I don't
know the word for it. And how about "your mother wears army boots"? (We
don't need multilingual versions of "fuck your mother", unless there's a
truly original thing one of these cultures suggests doing with your mum...)
Turkish seems to be one up on everybody else by having a special tense ending
just for insults.
| *********************************************************************
| The Classics:
| --------------
| E: Now get lost.
| I: Perdirti.
| F: Va te faire/pendre voir ailleurs.
| E: Now leave us alone.
| I: Mollaci.
| F: Fiches-nous la paix maintenant.
| E: You have no class.
| I: Sei un grezzo.
| F: Quel mal e'leve'.
| E: I'll show you what (kind of mettle) I am made of.
| I: Ti faccio vedere io di che pasta son fatto.
| F: Tu vas voir de quel bois je me chauffe.
| The Trivials:
| --------------
| E: Cretin.
| I: Cretino.
| F: Cretin.
| E: Wimp.
| I: Larva umana.
| F: Larve rampante. [*]
| E: Dumb.
| I: Imbecille.
| F: Imbecile, Creme d'imbecile.
| E: Idiot.
| I: Idiota.
| F: Idiot du village, Ravi.
| E: Donkey.
| I: Pezzo di somaro.
| F: Espece d'ane.
| E: Stubborn.
| I: Sei ostinato come un mulo.
| F: Tete de lard. Tete de mule.
| E: Bird brain.
| I: Cervello di gallina.
| F: Cervelle de moineau.
| E: Dense.
| I: Balosso.
| F: Nigaud, lourdaud, tachon, niaiseux.
| E: You're bullshitting.
| I: Stai dicendo fregnacce. (romanesco)
| F: Tu m'escagace. (typiquement meridional!)
| The Distinctives:
| -----------------
| E: And may the rest of your teeth rot before Christmas. [*]
| I: E possano i tuoi denti marcire prima di Natale.
| F: Et que ton dentier pourisse avant Noel. [*]
| E: May your children have faces of baboons. [*]
| I: Ti possano venire dei figli con la faccia da babbuini.
| F: Puisse ta progeniture avoir une tete de babouin. [*]
| E: You drank your brain. [*]
| I: Tu ti sei bevuto il cervello.
| F: Tu as la cervelle en compote.
| E: Go and drink some broth. [*]
| I: Vatti a bere un brodo.
| F: Va te faire cuire un oeuf.
| E: War crazy. [*]
| I: Scemo di guerra.
| F: Fou de guerre. [*]
| E: It's fruit time for you. [*]
| I: Oramai sei alla frutta. (gergo paninaro ?) [%]
| F: Tu en es aux fruits. [*]
| E: You're full of hot air.
| I: Pallone gonfiato.
| F: Tu me gonfles.
| E: He hasn't invented hot water/the cheese cutter. [*]
| I: Ha scoperto l'acqua calda.
| F: Il n'a pas invente l'eau chaude/le fil a couper le beurre
| E: I wasn't born yesterday.
| I: Non sono nato ieri.
| F: Je ne suis pas ne de la derniere pluie.
| E: You're pedalling in the semolina. [*]
| I: Tu ciurli nel manico.
| F: Tu pedales dans la semoule.
| E: You're keeping your nose clean.
| I: Ti stai pulendo il naso. [*]
| F: Tu gardes les mains propres.
| E: You're keeping your head above water.
| I: Annaspi. [*]
| F: Tu gardes la tete au-dessus de l'eau. [*]
| E: You're timid as a shrew/mouse.
| I: Sei un po' timido.
| F: Tu la joues pepere/petit bras.
| [*] Expression for which we did not find a direct equivalent.
| [%] According to a well established etiquette, the italian meal is
| composed of the following courses:
| antipasto, primo, secondo, contorno, formaggio, dolce, frutta.
| Hence the meaning: you are arteriosclerotic.
english.480dejanr,
This reached me by email, after several forwardings. Earliest From
is TLE::DIEWALD (at DEC?) and early subject line was
"Making the rounds at Dupont..."
The order of channel-hopping is NBC, ABC, CBS, and CNN. At each commercial,
unless otherwise indicated by further rules, the channel is changed.
If you hear someone on TV say "scud," take a swig of beer and change
the channel except during scud attacks (see below).
If someone says "Patriot," everyone in the room must salute. The last
person to salute takes a shot.
If a scud attack is reported, everyone must hold their breath. The first
person to breathe must go to a sealed room while everyone else takes a shot.
That player remains in the room until the "all clear" is sounded.
If someone says "somewhere in eastern Saudi Arabia" everyone must shout
"Dhahran." The last person takes a shot and must forego the next "scud."
The same applies for shouting "Riyadh" upon hearing the phrase "a large
airbase in central Saudi Arabia." Anyone naming the wrong city must
also take a shot unless they shout "Taif" before they are called on the
error.
Whenever Wolf Blitzer appears on the screen, everyone must shout
"woof woof" and drink a wine spritzer.
A shot of Kahlua and coffee is kept on the table. Whenever the phrase
"ground war," "ground assault," or "ground attack" are used, the first
person to grab the shot gets it.
Every time Dan Rather says something stupid, all shout "change the
channel." The last person to do so takes a shot and is forced to watch CBS
on another TV until the next "scud." I realize that this one is a judgement
call, but the odds are that it won't be long before he says something
stupid anyway. Of course, if Sam Donaldson is on ABC, change the channel.
english.481dejanr,
I heard this from my brother, who is a Search and Rescue pilot at Canadian
Forces Base Bagotville, Quebec. It's an apocryphal story that allegedly
happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:
Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over <such-and-such> beacon".
Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! _I'm_ holding at 3000 over
that beacon!"
(brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."
english.482dejanr,
I put this message on my machine during the baseball season. In the
background is the sound effect of a cheering crowd at a baseball game.
"We're back at Wrigley Field for this, the final game of the 1990 baseball
season. the Cubs and Mets are tied for first, whoever wins this game takes
home the National League Eastern Division championship. We're in the 9th
inning, Cubs trailing 2-1, but they have Shawon Dunston on third with two
outs. Coming up to bat now, here is BOB! (crowd cheers in background) This
has been a solid season for Bob, 26 home runs, 87 runs batted in. A base hit
now will tie it for the Cubs, while a home run will give them the
championship..
Bob digs in against Dwight Gooden. Gooden has been masterful today, striking
out 16, while only allowing 3 base hits. Here comes the pitch . . . AND
THERE'S A LONG DRIVE DEEP TO RIGHT! THAT COULD BE OUT OF HERE! DARRYL
STRAWBERRY RACES OVER AND MAKES A LEAPING CATCH AT THE WALL AND BOB IS OUT!!!!
Yes, Bob is out, but he'll be happy to return your call as soon as possible."
(BEEP)
Since I once worked in radio as a newscaster and DJ, I was able to do this so
that it sounded like an actual radio broadcast. The response to this
message, which ran a full 60 seconds, was interesting. Men loved it, and
passed my phone number around so that their buddies could call in and hear it.
Women, in general, didn't understand it, and left messages complaining that it
was too long, too loud, or didn't make any sense.
Bob
english.483dejanr,
Baghdad Radio reports that Iraq's Scud missles have intercepted and
destroyed incoming Patriot missiles seven times. The Patriots were launched
from Israel and Saudi Arabia and never even made it to Iraq's borders before
they were destroyed. The advanced Iraqi early warning system has
permitted the intercepting Scud missle to be launched before
the Patriot missle it will destroy.
english.484dejanr,
An Irishman visited the doctor complaining of sore feet. Upon
examining them the doctor requested that he keep off his feet
as much as possible and to put on a new pair of socks everyday
for a week. This he had done and by the 5th day the Irishman
could not fit his shoes on.
english.485dejanr,
Good news: Saddam Hussein is living on borrowed time.
Bad news: It was borrowed from a failed savings and loan.
english.486dejanr,
ABC's Good Morning America show today interviewed an
expert on military history, who said something that I
didn't know, namely, that Saddam Hussein actually has a
law degree. He went on to point out that the degree was
granted under somewhat unusual circumstances: Saddam
Hussein was accompanied by two heavily armed guards
into the examination room, and apparently it was
felt that there was no need to grade the exam.
Upon hearing this, my first thought was that Saddam had
cheated. But the expert quickly pointed out that the
incident demonstrates that Saddam really has an excellent
understanding of Iraqi law.
Bill Jefferys
english.487dejanr,
The following was originaly posted to ca.earthquakes. Several people have
requested I post this to rec.humor.funny. OK.
Point of reference:
the attribution is the edited disclaimer from the USGS's informational
bulletins. Reference is made to three people, one of whom posts to
ca.earthquakes, the other two are ski buddies whom are the one person's
grad advisors.
>DISCLAIMER -- IS THIS AN EARTHQUAKE PREDICTION OR WARNING?
> The commentary provided with this map(s) is for INFORMATIONAL
>USE ONLY, and SHOULD NOT be construed as an earthquake prediction,
>warning, or advisory. Responsibility for such warnings rests with
>the Office of Emergency Services of the State of California.
>PLEASE REMEMBER -- THIS IS PRELIMINARY DATA
> Releasing this summary on a timely basis requires that the
>data, analysis, and interpretation presented is PRELIMINARY. Of
>necessity they can only reflect the views of the seismologists who
>prepared them, and DO NOT carry the endorsement of the U.S.G.
>Thus while every effort is made to ensure that the information is
>accurate, nothing contained in this report is to be construed as
>and earthquake prediction, warning, advisory, or official policy
>statement of any kind, of the U.S. Government.
Abstract:
The "Big One" is modelled. Unexpected results occurred which can affect
the socio-economic future of the state.
Problem statment:
To satisfy the public's incessant desire to know about a California
earthquake. It is generally agreed that the major seismic hazard
exists in the southern portion of the state.
The desire is to model the effects of "The Big One."
Method:
A map model of the state of California was purchased.
The map was composed of a homogeneous, organic, collodial solid.
Foregoing the usual paper machete and attempts to model the properties
of the usual batholiths, strata, slip faults, and structure, this research
made the bold stroke of using a relief map composed of a milk chocolate.
The topographic chocolate relief map was a 1:20,000,000 scale
model purchased from a retailer in the city of San Jose, CA.
The vertical scale likely had exaggerated relief. All the more tasty.
The San Andreas and other fault systems are clearly distinguishable.
We assume that the thicker portions of the solid (Z > z for all Z,z > 0.0)
are likely to resist movement and shear stress than the thinner portions.
Topographic details are rendered as delicious lithographic landforms.
A specific geographic area is covered.
It is an acknowledged concern that the area near Ft. Tejon, CA has had
minimal movement (in excess of statistical averages). The area is notable
for it is also the intersection of both the San Andreas AND the Garlock Fault
zones. The methods simulates the input of energy into the epicenter
involved the sudden application of force to this model area by means of
a quick blow using a Mid-European Country Military sharp instrument.
Limitations:
This model is limited to crustal activity and does not involve lower
activity in the mantle.
Continental shelf, slope, and sea bed were not modelled and instead were
composed of a uniformly thick slab of sweet milk chocolate.
The same thickness extended thru the states of Oregon, Nevada, and
the model of country in Mexico.
It is difficult to build a model on a fluid mantle, so we ignore those for
this study. It was cheap.
Results:
Catastrophic failure took place took place in an unexpected
direction. Rather than the expect NW-SE direction along the San Andreas
trace, the Garlock sheared and the Southern portion of the state fractured.
Job NOTE (queue SYS$BATCH, entry 930) completed
Regretably, the model was destroyed during the test. The impact of
the shock was beyond the capability of repair. The model was consumed.
Analysis:
This violated the standard hypothesis that the portions of the
Pacific plate would either slid past the North American plate or
the Eastern hypothesis that all of CA would fall into the sea.
(we failed to simulate seabed).
The model has clear limitations. The assumption of homogeneous media
is clearly an over-simplification of real tectnic structures. This research
clearly requires higher quality solid materials. The clear determinant
was the thickness of the chocolate layer, then the adequacy of this model
is based on this thickness so we consider it an adequate 1-D model.
[The model was made in Denver, perhaps Swiss chocolate might even be better.]
Repercussions of this model's prediction can change the socio econmic
patterns of the state. Perhaps the traditional split of the
state into a Northern component and a Southern component is warrented.
The North could form a new country, or the Southern might become a
new State for Mexico. The possibilities are endless.
Continued research:
The next step of an adequate 2-D model is needed, then 3-D.
Further funding for purchase of the homogeneous media might offer
new insights into the behavior of thes models. We hope continued
research using these models by colleagues such as Smither, Ahrens, and Kamb
might produce further insights in solids geophysics.
Larger scale models might be recommended (perhaps a 1:5,300,000 scale?)
Added relief might also add chocolate.
Adding features to models can include surrogates such as nuts (i.e., cashews,
peanuts, etc.) thus simulating interesting subsurface anomalies.
References:
E. Callenbach, Ecotopia.
E. Callenbach, Ecotopia Emerging.
english.488dejanr,
(adapted from an editoral cartoon of unknown origin)
Sadam Husein was seeking expert advice to get the allied air forces out
of the sky.
He called Frank Lorenzo.
english.489dejanr,
Q: Did you hear that the L. A. Lakers drafted Saddam Hussein?
A: Yes, they wanted someone who could Shoot over Jordan.
english.490dejanr,
[I heard second-hand that this was invented by some columnist
in Dagens Nyheter, a big Swedish daily]
Boris Yeltsin has said that Gorbachev's idea to combine socialism with
market economy is as impossible as mating a viper with a hedgehog.
And what do you get when you cross a snake and a hedgehog?
Barbed wire, of course.
english.491dejanr,
GLN (Good-Looking Nerd) : "Can I help you?"
MHP (Mississippi Highway Patrolman) : "Do you know how fast you were
going, boy?"
GLN : "I'm not sure. The needle doesn't reach the high numbers very well.
I would estimate somewhere between 80 and 85, closer to 85."
MHP : "You were going 84 miles an hour."
GLN : "See, I was close. I must've been going uphill."
MHP : "What was that?"
GLN : "Oh, nothing. Is there some reason you pulled me over?"
MHP : "I'm going to have to give you a ticket, boy."
GLN : "No thank you."
MHP : "What was that?"
GLN : "If it's all the same to you, I'd just as soon you keep your
ticket. I don't really have any use for one."
MHP : "Don't try to weasel your way out of this, boy. I'm going to
give you a ticket."
GLN : "What for?"
MHP : "WHAT FOR??? Speeding, that's what!"
GLN : "You mean you're going to give me a ticket for going two miles
per hour over the speed limit?"
MHP : "TWO MILES??? Don't you know what the speed limit is, boy?"
GLN : "It's posted on the white sign with black letters, right?"
MHP : "Right."
GLN : "82. That's what the sign said, '82.'"
MHP : "That's not the speed limit. This is highway 82."
GLN : "I thought this was highway 55. It goes through Winona."
MHP : "55 is the speed limit. This is highway 82. I-55 goes through
Memphis and Jackson."
GLN : "But I'm going to Starkville, not Memphis or Jackson. You must
be confused."
MHP : "This is NOT I-55. This IS highway 82, and it does go to Starkville."
GLN : "That's right. I'm going to Starkville on highway 55, and the
speed limit is 82. I don't think you should give me a ticket for
going two miles over the speed limit."
MHP : "The speed limit is 55. Didn't you see the sign with the words
'SPEED LIMIT' and the number '55' on it?"
GLN : "I was wondering why they would write that on the sign telling the
name of the highway."
MHP : "It ISN'T the highway sign. The highway is 82, and the speed limit
is 55."
GLN : "Do you think you could hurry up and get to the point? I'm kindof
in a hurry."
MHP : "Is this your car?"
GLN : "Yes, do you like it?"
MHP : "Would you turn down that music?"
GLN : "It's Aretha Franklin. It goes with the car, don't you think?
What are you doing?"
MHP : "I'm writing you a ticket."
GLN : "For going two miles over the speed limit?"
MHP : "No, for going TWENTY-NINE miles an hour over the speed limit."
GLN : "Do you think that's unsafe?"
MHP : "Absolutely. It's very unsafe."
GLN : "If I was going so fast, then how did you catch me?"
MHP : "Well, uh..."
GLN : "Do you think it's safe for you to drive that fast?"
MHP : "Yes. I've been trained for high-speed pursuit."
GLN : "Don't you think it's rather hypocritical of you to be giving me
a ticket? How many wrecks have you had?"
MHP : "That's irrelevant."
GLN : "Did you see that?"
MHP : "What?"
GLN : "That black car just sideswiped your patrol car and kept going.
If you hurry, you can probably catch him."
MHP : "#@*%^$! And that's my new patrol car, too. You wait here while
I apprehend that criminal!"
GLN : "Yeah, right."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--disclaimer:
-- The preceding dialogue is ficticious, and any resemblance to actual
-- persons, real or otherwise, is purely coincidental.
english.492dejanr,
Based on info I heard recently on ABC...
Here in the U.S. there are addresses set up for people to mail to ``Any
soldier'' or to ``Any sailor'' in Operation Desert Storm. The idea is
that people will send supportive letters, news from home, etc. to the
troops even if they don't necessarily know anyone over there.
It seems however, that some people are a little more specific in their
addressing of the letters. Letters have been recieved addressed to...
Any young soldier
Any young single soldier
and even
Any single medical officer
I suppose a weaker-willed person than I would attempt a line here about
``Uncle Sam's Lonely Hearts Club'' but I'm going to refrain. :^)
english.493dejanr,
Moshe Kohn opens a Kosher restaurant in London and puts a notice in
the window "ARABS NOT WELLCOME"; a couple of days later, a person of
obviously Arab origin walks in and requests a sandwich - so the
cashier quickly runs into Moshe's office asking what to do. Moshe
decides that he really doesn't want a scandal, so he orders "OK, give
him the sandwich, but charge him double - that should teach him".
No sooner said than done.
But the next day the same Arab is back again - this time for a full
lunch; Moshe decides "Charge him triple, he'll get the lesson this
time !". The Arab eats his lunch, pays withot a quibble, praises the
food and even asks for a reservation for 10 of his friends for the
same evening. Moshe decides "OK, let him have the reservation, but if
his friend do come, charge them tenfold!" The Arabs appear in the
evening, have a large dinner, pay without complaining and even tip
generously. So the nex day Moshe puts a new sign in the window:
"JEWS NOT WELLCOME".
english.494dejanr,
Many an oriental person has trouble with the L and R sounds in English. I
have it, on good authority from a Chinese friend of mine, that this
is because they can't really hear the difference.
This was never a problem for me until my Chinese girlfriend told me she
couldn't because of Crap.. I assured her it would be okay.. of course,
I thought we could fix her problem _later_ with a _laxative_...
english.495dejanr,
A recent pentagon press conference announced that all personnel in the
Gulf would automatically be granted 180 day extensions to file their
United States income tax returns. The immediate question from the press?
"Does this mean you expect the war to extend past April 15th?"
Matt Ginsberg
{ed Clearly not...}
english.496dejanr,
LAWSUITS THREATEN INDUSTRY
In a new twist to the computer industry's running "Look and Feel"
patent battles, lawyers for Dr. Upda Evidens have filed suit against 98%
of the computer industry. Dr. Evidens, CEO of the Closed Software
Corporation, asserted in court that "this is just the beginning. We are not
going to tolerate any further abuse of our patents, which, I might add, are
as rampant as they are blatant."
The briefs filed in the case indicate that up to 70% of all computer
industry professionals infringed upon CSC's patented "like shit" look and
feel. Dr. Evidens cited studies showing that on any average Monday, sixty
to seventy percent of all programmers are reported to "look and feel like
shit."
The Closed Software Corporation also notes excessive unlicensed use
of other patented Look and Feel combinations, top among them "like hell,"
"awful," and "totally gnarly."
Despite the fact that the CSC lawsuits are some of the largest and most
comprehensive in the history of the computer industry, Evidens speaks of
widening the scope of the litigation. "You see," he said at a press
conference recently, "these violations are not limited to the information
industry. I regularly see individuals in the banking industry, insurance,
government, and yes, even the media, in unlicensed use of various patents that
we hold." When asked about his goals in filing further lawsuits, Evidens
merely smiled, and offered a flash demonstration of two of the more recent CSC
patents, "filthy rich," and "powerful."
Industry analysts are watching Dr. Evidens and his lawyers closely,
(and, according to Evidens, are coming arbitrarily close to violating
another patent, the "nervous" look and feel) to see the results of this
case, and to find how it will affect future developments.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DISCLAIMER: This is all fluff, purely the results of a deranged imagination.
All individuals, corporations, and other entities mentioned above
are purely fictional, and should not be construed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
english.497dejanr,
PRICE BUSTERS!
FINAL LIQUIDATION SALE!!
IT ALL HAS TO GO!!!
A major military power is going out of
business, and has to sell it ALL! Come on
down now for fabulous prices on Tanks, APCs,
Helicopters, Mines, SCUD missiles and
mobile launchers, planes and many, many more!
Come down today only and receive a free AK-74
w/bayonet!
Want Tanks - We Got 'Em!
The famous T-62s, today only $19.95!
The ultra-accurate T-72, only $39.95!
Want Attack and Dual-Role Aircraft - We Got 'Em!
The remaining stock of MiG-21s only $23.97!
The remaining stock of MiG-25s only $29.97!
The renowned MiG-29s today only $39.95!
The Su-7, Su-20, Su-24, Su-25, whatever's left in
the store, only $19.99!
The all weather, day/night attack craft, the
MiG-23 today only $34.97!
Want Bombers - We Got 'Em!
The Tu-22 and the Tu-16, only $49.99!
Want Missiles - We Got 'Em!
SCUD Missiles, only $49.95 each!
Mobile Launcher (assembles in just hours) only
$99.95! (when purchased w/5 SCUDs, only $79.95!)
Easy payment plans, we always accept VISA, 'The power to be
your best.'(tm); Master Card, American Express, 'Don't leave home
without it (but if you do, we can't help you anyway)' (tm), and
Pan-American Life and Mutual 'Sure my credit is good, Trust
me!'(tm).
Normally we accept Iraqi Express, 'Don't Leave Home'(tm), credit
cards, but due the current situation in the Gulf and the volatile
nature of the economy, we are not accepting Iraqi Express, 'Don't
Leave Home'(tm), credit cards at this time.
english.498dejanr,
A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels
by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend
towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings
on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must
also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-
intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary
in this important area. This is especially true in light of the
findings of 20th century physics.
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we
join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate
the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the
packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of
America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the
Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a
Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely
Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent
of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred
Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is
Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both
Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That,
Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spon-
taneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at
Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's
Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any
Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested
Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles
Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within
the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This
Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic
Explosion Will Result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in
Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in
the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the
Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to
the Heat Death of the Universe.
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held
Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known
and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found
Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product
Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May
Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-
Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This
Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable
to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions
Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot
Be Detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When
the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May
Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined
State.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,
Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in
Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other
Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be
Expressed or Implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product,
Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its
Velocity Relative to the User.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe,
Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an
Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently
Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot
Be Guaranteed.
(The above is from Volume 36, Number 1 of
The Journal of Irreproducible Results.
Copyright 1991 Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc.
3 Cambridge Center, Cambridge MA 02141
Individual US Subscriptions $12.00
Reproduced with permission.)
english.499dejanr,
Why did the U.S. armed forces blow up an air raid shelter?
Because they couldn't find a jetliner.
english.500dejanr,
Hey, you. Yeah... YOU! Pacifist type. Are you thinking "Hey,
this isn't MY war." Or maybe you think, "Fifty cents more at the pump
is worth my life! Heck, even sixty cents!" Perhaps you've weighed
the issues, "Solar Energy... Death in the Sand... Hmmm... Solar
Energy.... Death in the Sand..." Maybe you're all set, and you're
ready to fight. BUT, should you decide that War is "not your thing",
it could help you to know...
The TEN Ways to Avoid the DRAFT
1. Self-Exile (The Canadian Maneuver)
A popular choice during Vietnam. A classic. This is a good
opportunity to "see the world." Actually, it's like being drafted in
that you get to learn new customs in a different culture, (saying "eh"
to indicate that you are speaking, beer drinking as an artform,
finding out what a "took" (rhymes with "Luke") is and why you wear it
on you head). Plus, there is always the comforting knowledge aht
there will always be a room (10x10x8) waiting for you back in the
States.
2. Physical Phake (The Springsteen Gambit or No-Doze about it)
This is fairly easy. Simply watch 72 hours of TV straight. The
VCR is ok, and so are video games, but theater movies are out. The
key is the cathode-ray tube. Be sure to sit close to the set. Feel
free to eat if you must, and bathroom breaks are OK, but no sleep!
Caffeine is totally legal. This must be done immediately prior to
your physical examination for the Armed Forces. Try not to yawn when
you get there, but don't resist your urge to make guttural moans. The
only disadvantage is that coming off the caffeine buzz is libel to
drop you into a coma, but think of all the rock songs you can write.
3. Physical for Real (Mono on Mono or "Hello, kiss me... what's your
name?)
Going without sleep has no effect on you? You've got the
allnighter's tolerance? You're going to need to catch something.
Virulent. This can definitely involve some interesting social
interactions.
4. Ageification (The Doctor Method...who?)
Age yourself seven or so years in a hurry! This stratagem either
requires some very expensive time travel equipment or your girlfriend
telling you she accidently took the Pill out of order and has been
eating vitamins for the past week. In any case, an old British phone
booth can be substituted for one of these methods.
5. Dopeification (Whajjuu say, man?)
The trick is to balance you inner inner cerebral whirl on the
brink of the utmost ultimate hazy high while downing a fifth ducking
to avoid that mind-worm and trying to find that mushroom or other tab
of the really fucked up stuff and your third eye is screammmming and
your head is hammmmering... and when you wake up in de-tox, the whole
thing is over. Ten years ago.
6. Conscientious Objection (The "peace and non-violence, brother" strategy)
Just file for exemption as a conscientious objector. Note, you
must prove (with notarized documents) that you've been an objector
since age three, have a visible aura, and stigmata.
7. Captivity (Non-self anti-exile)
The default method. See, the draft is a choice. If you make NO
choice at all, and just go about your life as usual, you will NOT be
drafted! When you don't report to base after receiving your draft
notice, the army won't make you fight. In fact, they'll take you to a
maximum security penal institution for a nice long visit. (Bonus:
free food, shelter, and back rubs).
8. Orientation Rearranging ("Sir, you are one HOT sergeant, sir!")
Under the sexual orientation heading of your draft
acknowledgement form, check the box next to "homosexual." You
couldn't beg them to let you stay in.
9. In and Out (The Max Klinger Section 8 Clause)
Sure! You'll fight! Report in. Move in to the barracks! You
want to fight, yeah. Act enthused... maybe... too enthused. Talk
about how you dreamed of this to your bunkmate. Be sure to keep a
hollow, far away look in your eyes. It's also a good idea to twitch
random muscles whenever anyone is near you. Scream "DIE" very loudly
several times during the night. In the morning, say "Sergeant, Satan
told me he loves me and is glad I'm here." Repeat as necessary, don't
blink, and drool slightly from one corner of your mouth. Once you get
to the sanitarium, cheerily convince the doctors you were just kidding
and that you are actually quite sane.
10. Violence (The Last Resort)
While attending a student's birthday party during a later week of
one of his hunger strikes, Ghandi was offered a piece of chocolate
cake by a less enlightened disciple. The disciple then remembered
Ghandi's fast and repealed the offer, apologizing. The doctors
managed to sew the man's nose back to his face, but Ghandi's lesson to
him is well noted. Should you find your back to the wall, here are
some recommended guidelines in the use of violence: cause pain, be
random, no mercy, hit, yell, kick, cheat, avoid soft things, steroids
can help but watch out for liver damage down the road, pinching hurts
a lot but doesn't do a lot of damage, be senseless, dominate,
dominate, dominate, don't let him get away with that, take the safety
off, and there are NO innocents! Sure, you may become the thing you
most despise, but at least it's your fight.
Good Luck!
And remember, if things don't work out...
don't forget the flea powder.
english.501dejanr,
OBSERVATION OF WARM NUCLEAR FUSION IN CONDENSED SOUP
by Joseph D. Lykken
Santa Cruz Inst. for Particle Physics
Univ. of Calif., Santa Cruz, CA 95064
(Work supported by DOE, contract DE-AA03-76SF00010)
ABSTRACT
We report the observation of warm nuclear fusion of deuteron pairs
catalyzed by a concentrated colloidal suspension of avian lipids. We
present a simple theoretical model relating this process to superstring
theory, quantum wormholes, fractal geometry, and high temperature
superconductors. A straightforward scaling argument shows that the
total annual energy requirements of the United States can be produced
from approximately 137.03602 g of catalyst.
1. INTRODUCTION
Recent observations of cold nuclear fusion of deuteron pairs, through
electrolysis in solutions of metallic salts, has generated considerable
excitement in the physics community and elsewhere. The fusion catalysis
process described by Fleischmann and Pons does, however, have several
drawbacks when considered as a putative means of mass power generation.
The process is slow, requiring a continuous electrical power input of sev-
eral hours before the onset of fusion. In addition, this process requires
costly palladium or titanium cathodes, as well as highly toxic combinations
of dissolved metallic salts.
The modified *warm* fusion process which we have discovered (independently)
and which is described in this paper suffers none of these disadvantages.
In our process, the salt solution is augmented by a concentrated colloidal
suspension of certain avian lipid compounds, available in an inexpensive
commercial preparation (i.e., Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup) in arbitrarily
large quantities. This preparation is not only nontoxic, but actually
healthful. Instead of requiring several hours of applied external current,
our process induces fusion after gentle heating to 90 degrees Celsius, main-
tained for five minutes. The palladium cathode is replaced by an inexpensive
chromium-plated utensil, which is given an approximately circular motion
induced by elementary mechanical means.
Since our fusion catalysis technique is so simple, we will not belabor the
description of the process itself, but instead focus on the analysis of the
data and present an obvious theoretical model for the underlying physics.
2. NEUTRON CALORIMETRY AND DATA ANALYSIS
Although, as we shall demonstrate, our warm fusion technique can readily
produce a net power output in the terawatt range, our initial experimental
setup operated at a more modest scale. Rather than resorting to direct
detection of fusion product neutrons, we employed a highly accurate neutron
calorimetry procedure. We first measured the total external power supplied
to our system. This involved reading the electric meter on the circuit
containing our (electrically powered) heating apparatus, and correcting for
other power drains on the circuit, such as lightbulbs, radios, and video
cassette recorders. We then corrected this power reading for the electric-
ity/heat conversion efficiency of our apparatus, taken from an authoritative
source (c.f. _The_World_Book_Encyclopedia_). Further corrections were made
for cosmic ray background radiation incident on our apparatus, energy depos-
ition from proton decay within the apparatus, and additional heat from minor
amounts of paprika contamination.
To determine the total energy output from 300 seconds of catalyzed fusion
events, 400 cc of the solution was ingested by a 75 kg male homo sapien
volunteer subject. After a short digestion period, the subject was led
through a series of mechanical tasks ("The Jane Fonda Ultimate Challenge
Workout") and the resulting power output -- estimated by sophisticated
nonlinear biodynamic integro-differential hyperelliptic functional analy-
sis, simulated numerically on a Cray XMP supercomputer. Details of this
analysis will be presented in a future publication.
The results of our analysis for a 400 cc catalytic solution were as follows:
Total average external power input: 1193.762 watts
Total average power output: 1196.885 watts
Net average power output due to fusion: 3.123 watts
3. THEORETICAL MODEL
Although our experimental results may seem somewhat surprising to the
uninitiated, there is a simple theoretical explanation of the underlying
physics responsible for efficient warm fusion catalysis in lipid sus-
pensions. As is well known, the principal obstacle to deuteron fusion
is the Coulombic potential barrier induced by the electrostatic repulsion
of the positively charged particles. A straightforward application of
ten-dimensional heterotic superstring dynamics shows that deuterons can
percolate through the Coulomb barrier through the spontaneous generation
of quantum wormholes. One can easily see why this process is enhanced
in the presence of suspended avian lipids by applying the Anthropic
Principle. Obviously, if the laws of physics did not produce such an
enhancement, we could not have observed it in our universe, and a
contradiction of our material existence would result. The perforation of
the Coulomb barrier by quantum wormholes is elegantly described in terms
of fractal geometry; an analytic continuation to planar surfaces produces
analogous electromagnetic anomalies in resonant spin liquids, thus
explaining the behavior of high temperature superconductors. Details of
this model will appear in a future publication.
4. FUTURE OUTLOOK
We have considered the problem of scaling up our warm fusion technique
to provide the commercial and strategic defense power requirements of the
United States. The appropriate scaling law was obtained by repeating our
initial experiment, but adding only half as much water to our commercial
preparation as called for in the instructions. With this additional concen-
tration of the catalytic solution, we obtained a net power output increase
of 0.00016%. Clearly, by continuing to halve the amount of added water, we
can obtain an arbitrarily high power of this enhancement factor, and thus
any level of power output desired. We estimate that, by limiting the amount
of added water to 3 micrograms (easily accomplished through national tech-
nical means), more than 10 terawatts of warm fusion power could be produced.
We strongly urge, and fervently hope, that the power of chicken soup will
only be used for peaceful purposes.