english.603vkrstonosic,
I'm posting this for a dutch friend of mine, so please, all followups to
this newsgroup or to: rmoonen@hvlpa.att.com
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was watching TV a couple of nights ago, there was a reasonably
interesting talkshow going on. They were interviewing someone who
believed he was immoratal. The interview went something like this:
Q: So you believe you're immortal?
A: Yes, I do, I cannot die.
Q: You mean you'll reincarnate?
A: No, I mean it as I say it, I will not die.
Q: Are there other immortal people?
A: Yes, there used to be.
Q: You mean they're dead now?
A: Yeah, they all died.
Somewhat stupid, not?
Right....
english.604vkrstonosic,
Seen on a T-Shirt:
Front: Bo knows your wife.
Back: They just did it.
english.605vkrstonosic,
The most humorous thing about any presidential election is that we all
know that no matter who wins, the new president will inevitably fuck
it all up. If I ever see someone run for president who convinces me
that he is not a total dickhead, I might possibly register to vote.
Democrats, Republicans, and Libertarians alike are all pointless, I
will be very suprised if I ever find myself in a ballot box during a
presidential election. Lets just see who the Democrats come up with
for 92. He oughta be a real doozy.
--
_______________________________________________________________________________
O++O Sebastian Bernheim
=\/=
"Love them little mousies!"
"Ma che sciagura d'essere senza coglioni!" (something like that)
Disclaimer: I just work here, they don't pay me enough to think!
english.606vkrstonosic,
"Ah, dan quayle still gaining exceptance ..." - bush
kelly
us134093@ndsuvm1.bitnet
"life is a chair of bowlies"
me .... :)
english.607vkrstonosic,
Sung to the tune of the Stones' "Mother's Little Helper":
What a drag it is gettin oil....
It's so different today, I hear every leader say,
Getting petrol for your tanks is just a drag,
So we'll kick your butt, Saddam, and we'll drop ten thousand bombs,
You'll go runnin' for a shelter from your little U.N. helper,
We're to help you on your way, show you how to leave Kuwait.
You had better leave at once, and go watch your camels hump,
Yeah, you should have stuck with picking on Iran,
Now it's much worse than you planned, and we'll pound you in the sand,
You'll go runnin' for a shelter from your little U.N. helper,
Just to help you on your way, show you how to leave Kuwait.
Things are different these days, I hear one Iraqi say,
Getting liquor and my playboys is too tough,
Well I like this Saddam guy, and I gave his war a try,
Now we're runnin' for the shelter from our little U.N. helper,
Well we only meant to play, and we did not mean to stay.
Things are difficult these days, I hear all the Mideast say,
Having Scuds land on your head is such a bore,
Palestine was occupied, and it tortured on my mind,
Now we're runnin' for the shelter from our little Hitler helper,
Got a gas mask on real tight, get me through my busy night.
Saddam please, no more of these,
During the war, he launched four more,
What a drag it is dumping oil.
Things are different these days, I hear Saddam Hussein say,
Taking over other countries is a drag,
You could annex that Kuwait, but you'll earn the world's hate,
Now I'm runnin' for the shelter from my little U.S. helper,
Got to think about my plight, get me through my busy dying night.
What a drag it is stealin' oil....
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The above can be used however you want. If you do a stand-up act
with it or write a better version, I'd like to hear.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If our leader is Georgie Bush, is the Iraqi leader Saddamy Hussein?
---
The above is a demented raving of Andy Russo. This does not represent
the official opinions of AT&T. They are being written to the tune of
"Paint It Black." Conserve energy - don't flame my meter :-)
english.608vkrstonosic,
The letters represent digits in the subtraction sum:
R O L L E R
- W H E E L S
===========
S K O D A
There are three distinct solutions.
english.609vkrstonosic,
A group of archaeologists went to Mexico to do research on the pyramids
left behind by highly civilized Indians from pre-Columbian times. These
pyramids are different from the Eygyptian variety, in that the sides are
stepped, not smooth all the way up to the top. Such a pyramid is called a
ziggurat, and these archaelogists wanted to learn more about why the Indians
had built THIS type of pyramid rather than the other kind.
During the course of their investigations, they happened upon some strange
markings along the base of one pyramid. Among themselves, they argued about
the meaning of the markings, but were not able to agree. Finally, they gave
it up for the night, and set up camp. Next to the pyramid they built a fire,
so as to protect it from the wind.
During the night, weird things happened.....unexplained noises, objects
moving around on their own, etc. The scientists were very nervous. As the
night went on, they heaped more and more wood on their fire, trying to ward
off whatever evil spirits might be about.
Finally, the flames grew very high. And finally, the evil spirits had had
enough. They swooped down on the archaeologists and killed them!
If only they had been able to decipher the inscription:
ZIGGURAT SMOKING IS HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
english.610vkrstonosic,
Q: What is the difference between a Nun bathing and a sorority
girl bathing?
A: The Nun has hope in her soul.
english.611vkrstonosic,
This is one of my favorites, guys ('course I could be egging you on, after
all of the encouragement you've been giving me):
A little girl and a little boy were playing, when the little boy said,
"Look, I have five marbles!"
"So what!?" said the little girl. "I've got TEN marbles!"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have 2 shiny new quarters!"
"So what!?" said the little girl. "I've got 2 brand new DOLLAR BILLS!"
"Hmmmm..." said the little boy, "Well, I've got, I've got,...ONE OF
THESE." (he unzips his fly) "...and I know YOU DON'T!" he says triumphantly.
"So what!? I've got one of these (she lifts her skirt), and with one of
THESE I can get as many of THOSE as I WANT!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q. What's an hour of Italian foreplay?
A. Maria, I'm home.
So NO ONE has heard of that 3 Little Pigs Joke I'm trying to remember?
(With the punch line having to do with a Guinea Pig) Well, dare I say it?...
Make something up, then! Any takers? No more nonsense than usual,
please ;-)
english.612vkrstonosic,
On an extremely long flight, two gentlemen have been sitting together without
uttering a word. The first man has been chain smoking cigars while the second
man has been amusing himself with his pet monkey. Finally the first man speaks:
'Would you please get rid of that damn monkey--it is driving me crazy!'
The second man replies:
'O yea--well those cigars are really bothering me--I wish you please quit
smoking them'
After some minor yelling, the men decide that they will throw the monkey
and the cigars out the window at the same time. They do.
A while later a women in the next seat yells: 'Look out the window--there
is something on the wing!' Both men look and guess what they see...?
A yellow brick.
english.613vkrstonosic,
I know this isn't new, but I heard it recently from a friend of mine who
goes to school in Louisiana:
A gay guy invited two of his friends over to play some sex games. He
takes out a baseball bat and fucks the first guy up the butt with it.
Afterward he asked the other one to get out a broom, with which he does
the same thing to the second guy.
Next he gets out a... a... (Joke teller feigns forgetfullness)...you
know, the things you use to unclog a stopped up toilet... (The listener will
now invariably respond, "A PLUNGER!", at which point the joke teller ribs,
"Oh, you played that game before!)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q. What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A. A piece of ass that'll bring tears to your eyes!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A new inmate is puzzled to hear another inmate yelling out the number 72,
after which the other inmates laugh. Then another inmate yells out another
number, after which the rest of the inmates again laugh. "What's going on?"
he asks?
"Well," explains his cell mate, "We've all been here so long that to
simplify things, we've assigned a number to each joke and so now all we have
to do is call out the number of the joke and everyone knows what it stand
for. For instance, `72' is the joke about the guy who goes into the bar
and..."
The new inmate likes that joke, so the next night he decides to give it
a try. "72," he yells. NOTHING. So again he yells, "72". STILL nothing.
Once more he yells, "72". Not so much as a chuckle. "What's wrong?" he
asks his cell mate.
"Well, some people can tell 'em and some people can't"
english.614vkrstonosic,
Q: What's the difference between a hockey player and an Iraqi woman?
A: The hockey player showers after 3 periods.
John H. Merritt --> merritt@iris613.gsfc.nasa.gov
Applied Research Corporation at NASA/GSFC
"Yesterday I knew nothing, today I know that."
english.615vkrstonosic,
If Iraq invades Iran from the rear, will Greece help.
english.616vkrstonosic,
After the recent exchange of silly user stories, I got a request or two to
send out the file that I was compiling. Well, I'm not compiling a file of
them. Or, at least, I wasn't. Everytime this topic comes up, the same old
stories get rehashed over and over, and there are rarely any new ones. So,
does anyone want to see a file of these stories compiled? I'd be more than
happy to put it together, which gives this group a few advantages:
1) Less traffic for people that don't want to see these stories
2) A chance for those who do want to see them to mail requests to
me and see them all, minus the repeated stories and assorted
comments.
So, if anyone wants to help put together a file like this, send me some to
start with. While I can't guarantee attribution to EVERY story, mostly because
so many of them will be repeated, I will keep a contributor's list in the
file as well, so people's names will get mentioned. My only request is that
you try to edit your stories as well as possible, so that they fit in a small
space but still retain their original intention. No sense in reading stories
that are two pages long, but no sense in reading a one line quote that doesn't
make sense, either.
I await response...
Duane Morin WPI Worcester, MA 01609 dmorin@wpi.wpi.edu
Software Etc.
(A few to start...
"Don't ask me questions before eight in the morning, particularly silly ones.
I'm grumpy then, and I'll probably make fun of you."
"No, Ma'am, as a matter of fact, no one has EVER made that mistake before.
You're the first one. Congratulations, you're famous."
"Now hit any key"
"What do you mean, any key?"
"Any of them. Doesn't matter"
"But which one should I hit?"
"Any of them!"
"I don't understand."
*sigh* "Hit the spacebar"
"Oh, ok. Why didn't you say so?"
"Hi, I'm Duane, but in this lab you can call me God. Those of you that don't
should get in practice for the next time you need a file undeleted."
"I'm sure that you're teacher has told you about how to use these computers.
Forget everything he said. He knows less about them than you do, and is
just trying to look good."
english.617vkrstonosic,
What do you call a short-sighted dinosaur?
Diyathinkesaurus.
and....
What do you call a short-sighted dinosaur with a dog?
Diyathinkesaurus Rex.
english.618vkrstonosic,
Here's one for UK readers...
What's the difference between scud missiles and British Rail ?
British rail kill people!
english.619vkrstonosic,
Did you hear that Oprah was busted coming in through customs at JFK
airport?
- They looked up her skirt and found 300 pounds of crack!
english.620vkrstonosic,
Updated to fit the times:
An American, Andrew Smith, is walking along a street in Baghdad, when he
bumps into an Iraqi officer.
"Swine!" says the Iraqi.
"Smith," replies the American, cordially tipping his hat.
God keep our men safe out there....
english.621vkrstonosic,
ken Johnson -
actually a nice try there but a wee minor correction:
Q: How can You tell there is an Iraqi in your Fridge
a1: Your Kitchen shows up on CNN.
a2: Dan Rather Tells everyone that your fridge is ok.
a3: there is this lovely Laser Light show dancing on
top of it, and you suddenly have this uncontrollable
urge to go out for fish and chips, in America.
english.622vkrstonosic,
>> So, would anyone outhere kindly send me some jokes about slam the door,
>> donkey shout... in order that I can tell him without hurt.
I am being fond of this:
Once upon time, there were donkeys. She were sleeping through corral.
Barn doors slammed open, and oats were sufficiently grubby. Bale
of hay were hit and green golf balls were found. When compus neighbour
came upon wreckage, this being dirty saucepans and was alarmed as soon
as surprised. So do not be hurt, as I tell you this, the donkey still
shout at strange hours, and I sometimes slam the door too.
english.623vkrstonosic,
So it's about nuns.
What's black and white and red and can't turn around in a hallway?
A nun with a javelin through her head.
What's black and white and green and wobbly?
A nun carrying a pool table.
Hee.
english.624vkrstonosic,
Two kids are playing in a parking lot under an apartment building.
One of them finds a used condom. Its been rolled back looking like a
donut. So the kid says to his friend "Hey look what I found!" The other
kid gets jealous and starts begging for the donut condom. The kid then makes
a deal with his friend and says, "Alright I'll sell it to you for a buck."
So both leave the parking lot happy.
The kid who found the condom runs up to his apartment to tell his mom
what happened. "Mommy, mommy guess what? I found a donut!" The
mother replies, "That's nice son." The kid then says, "Yeah, and I sold
it for a dollar!" The mother then says, "That's nice son." The
kid then says, "But, I was smart mom. I SUCKED THE CREAM OUT OF IT FIRST!"
english.625vkrstonosic,
Holiday Time
..accelerating with glee i suddenly noticed a suspect caravan in front of me.
I knew that it was most likely another FBI ambush van. I quickly overtook them
and checked out the cars occupants. As i thought FBI! cleverly disguised as an
old couple with two young kids (probably as decoys). After a while of driving
next to them and looking down at them from my massive Kenworth baby, they
confirmed my theory by looking back up at me. They could have easily shot away,
no doubt was in my mind as to some supercharged V8 they had cunningly hidden
under the bonnet of their VW Combi van. I had to act quickly. Ploughing into
the side of their vehicle i forced it off the road into a ditch. I slammed on
the brakes and got out, this time taking with me my 10" Bowie Knife and a
Chainsaw (which i always have handy). I heard screams and realized they were
still faking their tourist disguise to the max. I hate overacting, i reved up
ol chainy and made my way down to the wrangled car. One of the kids had his leg
wedged in the car and looked at me with terror. He wouldn't be much trouble i
chainsawed open the roof and checked out who remained. It was a bloody mess in
there but the girl in the back was still alive, bowie in her guts took care of
that, never seen anyone drop their guts so bad, with a muted scream i saw the
boy having watched me with shock had now pulled himself apart from his leg and
was crawling away. He would talk i was sure so i cut him of (his escape that
is) and proceded to dog food him...
extracted with kind permission from alt.classic.music 'The Ledgend Of Nick
Detroit'
english.626vkrstonosic,
EAT AT MOTHERS
..the sign flashed at the side of the road, rain was falling, a cold wind was
blowing. The knot in my belly made me enter the small truckstop. I saw parked
outside a sole car, namely the grey corvette that so arrogantly overtook me 3
miles back. I parked my Kenworth so that the guy had no chance of escaping in
his car. Reaching back into my bag of goodies i got out my Smith & Wesson 12"
Stainless Steel Marines Shotgun, what a beauty she is too, a also choose a
Remington .45 for good measure. Walking inside i sized up the situation withe
ease, corvette driver at table with back to me drinking coffee, the 65 year old
disabled woman who ran the place, started yelling, i pointed the .45 at her and
she shut up. God she was a pathetic sight in her wheelchair. as i approached
the corvette driver, she made a attempt to escape, but i stopped her quite
easily with an accurate blast from Smithy, which fucked her wheelchair up
mighty bad, and blew her in little bits againt the wall. The corvette driver
spun around and i knew i had to act quickly as he came towards me with a loaded
bowl of sugar, i emptied the remaining 5 rounds of Shot into him, which made
him drop the sugar bowl. i decided it was time to move on....
english.627vkrstonosic,
Here's an oldie but a goodie, from one who's been there:
What are the two happiest days of a man's life?
--The day he buys his boat, and the day he sells it
english.628vkrstonosic,
At St. Peter's place, there were 2 signs. One said
"Husband Who've Been Henpecked". The other said
"Husbands who Haven't Been Henpecked". The first
sign had a line a mile long waiting by it. The second
one had only one guy. St. Peter shows up. He asks the
one lone guy by the "Not Henpecked" sign -"What's the deal?
How come you're the only guy by this sign. The guy says
"I don't know-my wife told me to stand here!"
english.629vkrstonosic,
>That's like saying if God wanted us to fly we would have wings!!!
No, it's: If God had meant us to fly,
He would never have given us the railways.
english.630xenomorphe,
Evo i nekih toponima u prilog bogatstvu i engleskog i srpskog jezika:
Wet Little Grove - Mali Mokri Lug
Motel Sands - Han Pijesak
Whore's Bridge - Rospi Cuprija
Drum Springs - Bubanj Potok
Escape Hill - Bezanijska Kosa
Curse Peaks - Prokletije
Princeton - Knjazevac
Toliko za nocas. Pozdrav,
Dejan.
english.631ivujanic,
-> #598, vkrstonosic>MOUSE BALLS.....
;))))))))))))))))
Ivica
P.S. pošaljite tom čoveku u IBM tih 30 minuta, zasluzio je!
english.632vkrstonosic,
>Did you ever try to tell a joke in Pascal, or C++ (same thing)?
>
I did...
One of the winners of the International Obfuscated C Contest 1990 was
Brian Westley <digidb!merlyn>, and his program (Price for the
best layout) was this:
---- cut here ---
char*lie;
double time, me= !0XFACE,
not; int rested, get, out;
main(ly, die) char ly, **die ;š
signed char lotte,
dear; (char)lotte--;
for(get= !me;; not)š
1 - out & out ;lie;š
char lotte, my= dear,
**let= !!me *!not+ ++die;
(char*)(lie=
"The gloves are OFF this time, I detest you, snotĐnĐ0sed GEEK!");
do šnot= *lie++ & 0xF00L* !me;
#define love (char*)lie -
love 1s *!(not= atoi(let
Šget -me?
(char)lotte-
(char)lotte: my- *love -
'I' - *love - 'U' -
'I' - (long) - 4 - 'U' Ć)- !!
(time =out= 'a'));ć while( my - dear
&& 'I'-1l -get- 'a'); break;ćć
(char)*lie++;
(char)*lie++, (char)*lie++; hell:0, (char)*lie;
get *out* (short)ly -0-'R'- get- 'a'žrested;
do šauto*eroticism,
that; puts(*( out
- 'c'
-('P'-'S') +die+ -2 ));ćwhile(!"you're at it");
for (*((char*)&lotte)ž=
(char)lotte; (love ly) Š(char)++lotte+
!!0xBABEĆ;)š if ('I' -lieŠ 2 +(char)lotteĆ)š 'I'-1l ***die; ć
elseš if ('I' * get *out* ('I'-1l **dieŠ 2 Ć)) *((char*)&lotte) -=
'4' - ('I'-1l); not; for(get=!
get; !out; (char)*lie & 0xD0- !not) return!!
(char)lotte;ć
(char)lotte;
doš not* putchar(lie Šout
*!not* !!me +(char)lotteĆ);
not; for(;!'a';);ćwhile(
love (char*)lie);š
register this; switch( (char)lie
Š(char)lotteĆ -1s *!out) š
char*les, get= 0xFF, my; case' ':
*((char*)&lotte) += 15; !not +(char)*lie*'s';
this +1s+ not; default: 0xF +(char*)lie;ććć
get - !out;
if (not--)
goto hell;
exit( (char)lotte);ć
---- cut here ---
This program compiles and produces decent output.
usage: westley <number>
If you would rather "Daisy" someone other than Westley, rename
the program as needed. :-)
Selected notes from the author:
This is a "Picking the Daisy" simulation. Now, instead of mangling a
daisy, simply run this program with the number of petals desired as
the argument.
This is a good counter-example to peoples' complaints that C doesn't
have an "English-like" syntax.
Lint complains about everything - null effect, xxx may be used before
set, statement not reached, return(e) and return. Lint dumps core
on some systems. My personal favorite lint complaint is
"warning: eroticism unused in function main".
Also obviously, (char)lotte and (char*)lie are incompatible types...
K. CROES - IMEC - Leuven - Belgium croesčimec.be
The Demon King bites in your leg and you feel weaker.
--
ftitčengin.umich.edu (Sergej Roytman) writes:
>I don't know; English isn't the worst language I've come across.
>Did you ever try to tell a joke in Pascal, or C++ (same thing)?
>
%!
%%Encapsulated-JokeScript
Š
Š(californians) (one to change it and three to share the experience) Ć
Š(programmers) (none: it's a hardware problem) Ć
Š(psychoanalysts) (only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change)Ć
Ć
š
dup 2 get /Answer def
1 get (How many) exch append
(does it take to change a lightbulb?)
append show
pause Answer show
ć forall
english.633vkrstonosic,
Space Shuttle Astronauts Jay and Jerry did an on-site repair
to the 617 Million Dollar Gamma Ray Observatory satellite
this weekend, needing only a few seconds to fix a stuck
antenna by giving it 3 small tugs.
Taking the advice of TV and VCR repair shops, NASA has sent
the following itemized bill:
Repair Labor $ 35.00 (2 techs č 1/2 hr minimum)
On-Site Call $ 61,700,000.00 (Contract at 10% of list)
Mileage $ 94.64 (2 * 182 miles č .26 per)
Parts $ .00
Cleaner $ 7.00
---------------
$ 61,700,146.64
Had the decision been made to not do the repair, the parts and
cleaner would have been deleted, but the rest of the bill
would still be due as the "estimate charges".
english.634vkrstonosic,
I think that I can even top the story about the blind driver. A few years ago
I had a friend and student named Bill. When I say student, I mean that he
was in one of my Tae Kwon Do classes. He was blind.
He had one of the best senses of humor that I have ever encountered, and
he also was one of the most determined people I have ever dealt with. He
refused to let his blindness become a handicap. He would come to class
and work out harder than the seeing students, and he constantly served as
inspiration to all of us.
We traveled to Minneapolis for a tournament when Bill was a green belt. It
was his first tourney out of the local area, and none of the fighters knew
him. being a rather large and agressive guy (240lbs), he easily defeated
a number of competitors. He ran into a solid competitor in the third or
fourth match, and was taking some punishment. He went wild.......
Bill pretty much fought by sound....as the heat was turned up he started
striking out at anything that he heard.....the referee took some of the best
hits I've ever seen a man take in a match..he actually even countered a few
until I could get in the ring and convince Bill that he was hitting the wrong
man. Bill was disqualified, but everyone was astonished that a blind man had
been able to fight his way up to third place.......
It was party time...we hit all the famous Minneapolis watering holes, and
before you knew it we were all drunk....except for Bill. We appointed him
driver, and he steered us safely back to our hotel. The funny thing was that
he actually had a drivers license! he had a degenerative eye disease that
had destroyed his sight in less than two years...his license was still
valid! If we had been pulled over we would have had some explaining to do,
but we would have been legal!
To be young and wreckless again!
english.635vkrstonosic,
Lotus Introduces Controversial New Product
čččččččččččččččččččččččččččččččččččččččččč
Today, Lotus Development Corporation introduced a new member of its MarketPlace
product family, MarketPlace: Surveillance. This product, intended for "law
enforcement, security, and just plain nosey organizations," ushers in the era
of what Lotus spokespook Bud Dorkar called "Desktop Political Repression."
"Any company can put citizens at your fingertips, Dorkar continued, "only Lotus
puts them in the palm of your hand."
The product consists of a CD-ROM and software to read it. The CD-ROM contains
information on individuals, including:
name
social security number
address
phone number
estimated income
estimated political and organization affiliations
marital status
name of spouse, if any
names of children, if any
names of pets, if any
names of other household members
known associates
gender
estimated sexual orientation
estimated race
estimated religion
criminal record, if any
magazine subscriptions
library books checked out recently
cars and boats owned
driving record
fingerprints, if available
favorite color
one thing in the whole world most afraid of
comments by previous investigators
Users can select potential investigation subjects via a variety of selection
criteria, such as "all married environmentalists within an hour's drive of
Chicago." The selected records are then copied to hard-disk from the CD-ROM.
As an investigation proceeds, new information can be added to records, and the
user can even create new fields in the data records.
Every copy of MarketPlace: Surveillance comes with demonstration
data, based on 1930's KGB files. "We used the Russian data,
frankly, because it was so cheap," said Dorkar. "They sold us this
doesn't have much value anyway, most of the people in the database
were purged long ago."
After the user purchases MarketPlace: Surveillance, they send in a registration
form for real data. They then have the demo data to play with and fantasize
about, while their real data is on its way. The user must specify what region
of the U.S or other country they want data for. Each disk contains data on
approximately 12 million citizens, legal aliens, and other people. One region
comes free with the program, and others may be purchased for $100 each. "We
have the U.S., most of Central and South America, and several Asian countries
available," Dorkar said. "We will try to introduce Africa and the Middle East
in time for Christmas. We hope to bring one or two of the Canadian provinces
on board too. Hopefully, the EC (European Common Market) will be in some day,
but that's at least two years out, they're just not ready."
Anticipating criticism of the product, Dorkar addressed security
and privacy concerns:
ŠThe developers of MarketPlaceĆ implemented a number of
controls that go far beyond traditional practices for the
security community. Besides limiting the data to what is
readily available as a matter of public record, Census data
profiling, and similar sources most governments can already
access, we have taken three additional and important steps:
(1) We are offering the product only to legitimate
governments and businesses.
(2) We provide people with an option to have their names
removed from the database.
(3) We are educating and advising users of the proper
legal and ethical responsibilities for list usage.
To remove their names from the database, people need only call Lotus at
1-800-328-7448, and give a Lotus operator their name, date of birth, social
security number, and why they don't want to be in the database. The Lotus
operator will then roll two dice to determine which of 25 complex and expensive
methods the person will be required to use to be removed from the database. An
exception is if the operator rolls doubles. In that case, the operator will
take all of the information over the phone, then send two guys with baseball
bats to visit your house within three business days.
All of the people who ask to be removed are purged from the database. Their
names and social security numbers are kept on a separate list, so they will
never reappear in the standard database. The separate list is, however,
available on CD-ROM for $200, twice the regular price.
Dorkar concluded by vociferously defending MarketPlace: Surveillance, spittle
flying from his lips: "Some people argue that the information collected in
Lotus MarketPlace: Surveillance should not be available. However, this
information is really already really readily readable, either as a matter of
public record or through thousands of other lists and database sources. For
example, the FBI alone has files on literally millions of Americans."
"Access to information is one of the benefits of a free society. In developing
MarketPlace: Surveillance, Lotus and its data providers have strived to balance
the right to privacy with the freedom of information that is a hallmark of our
society."
english.636vkrstonosic,
This is something that I thought up one afternoon while pondering
why I even bother with Software Engineering class (can we say Nytol).
The following is a comparison between Comedians and Compilers that
atleast one person should find somewhat amusing...
Monty Python : 'C++ / Objective C'
----------------------------------
Some people pretend to know what its all about, but the fact is
many of us don't know the half of it.
Eddie Murphy : 'C'
------------------
Slick, Popular, and Dirty. What's not to like.
Arsenio Hall : Turbo Pascal
---------------------------
Tries to look/feel/be like C, but it just doesn't have what it
takes... And never will!
Johnny Carson : Pascal
----------------------
Its been around forever, but has anyone ever found a use for it?
It seems to owe so much to all the popular gained by those that
have taken from it.
Jay Leno : Modula-2
-------------------
Newer than pascal, but doesn't improve on it.
Bob Hope : Cobol
----------------
How much more can they do with this Dinosaur?
Andrew Dice Clay
----------------
Either you love it, or, you don't! Admitting it in public however,
is a completely different story.
George Burns : Fortran
----------------------
Every time you forget about it, its having a birthday party and
your reminded that it exists.
Roseane Barr : Ada
------------------
JUST A PIG!
english.637vkrstonosic,
By God, the LAPD has really kicked the Selma syndrome once and for all!
(For those who've already forgotten, in the 60s Selma, Alabama, was
the site of vicious attacks by the local police on peaceful Black
demonstrators.)
english.638vkrstonosic,
Top 10 reasons Saddam is leaving Kuwait:
10) Sears 2 for 1 sale on Scuds is over.
9) American troops capturing Air Force generals before he can shoot them.
8) Only way to get those damn CNN crews out of the country.
7) No more Kuwaiti VCR's to steal.
6) Special war reports keep pre-empting "Alf."
5) War not as fun when other side shoots back.
4) Top Secret "play dead and whine' defense not working.
3) Economy hurting; hard to pump oil form burning wells.
2) Albert Goldman and Bob Woodward threatening to write books about him.
1) Siskel and Ebert gave the war a "thumbs down."
english.639vkrstonosic,
They finally let Chief Gates come back to his job with the LA Police Dept.
He's also introducing some new legislation.
He wants a requirement to have everyone wait 7 days to get a camcorder.
english.640vkrstonosic,
NEW YORK CITY (UPI) -- Just days after the release of her "hiss and
tell" biography of Nancy Reagan, Kitty Kelley has released another book,
this time an autobiography titled "Remembrance of Things Crass: The
Unauthorized Autobiography of Kitty Kelley." Copies obtained by UPI show
that the book will be uncompromising.
In a press conference promoting the book, Kelley indicated that
she spent many months intensively investigating her subject. "She is an
extremely difficult woman to track down," said Kelley. "More often than
not, her phone was busy." Indeed, noted Kelley, an interview with Kelley
proved impossible. Instead, Kelley massed data about her subject by
conducting intensive face-to-face interviews with people closely associated
with
Kelley, most of whom refused to allow their names to be revealed.
Kelley insists that she is not afraid of reprisals from her subject.
"In fact," she stated, "I have received threatening phone calls, but I just
shrug them off."
Revelations from "The Unauthorized Autobiography" include:
- That Kelley's books were all ghostwritten: "In fact, samples
of Kelley's own writing suggest that she would need a dictionary just to
write a shopping list."
- That Kelley cheated her publisher (coincidentally, the publisher
of this autobiography) out of hundreds of thousands of dollars by inflating
budgets and forging advance checks.
- That Kelley has brutally murdered more than twenty children.
- That Kelley frequently cross-posts to inappropriate newsgroups
during flamewars.
Kelley was unavailable for comment about these allegations.
english.641vkrstonosic,
Every woman's a 10. It just depends upon which base you're counting in.
english.642vkrstonosic,
Q: Why do L.A. cops carry nightsticks?
A: Beats me...
english.643vkrstonosic,
Newsflash X/X 1992 Newsflash
St. Louis, MO --(UPI)-- Vice President Dan Quayle today visited
St. Louis, MO, which bears a heavy population descended from German
immigrants. In order to show support for the newly-unified country
of Germany, fatherland of many in the audience, he repeated John F.
Kennedy's words of support 30 years earlier, but this time in English,
"I am a Jelly Doughnut!" Political commentators agreed that something
was lost in the translation. Dan Quayle explained his remark by saying
that he had been told those who lived in central America enjoyed jelly
doughnuts.
english.644vkrstonosic,
How does an LA policeman go fishing?
He catches one fish, then beats it until it tells him where the others
are.
english.645vkrstonosic,
Brought back from the Sudan when it was a one-party dictatorship.
A young man, going to "vote" for the first time in a national election,
got nervous in the voting booth and mistakenly voted against the ruling
party. When he told his father, the old man ran to the polling place to
try to correct the error that would probably spell doom for the whole
family. "Please, you must save us," he told the election officials in a
panic, "can the error be changed?" "Don't worry," they replied, "it's
already been taken care of."
english.646vkrstonosic,
OK, I've been bitten by the bug. What's interesting to me is not what's going
on when your're doing the speed of light, but what could happen as you
accelerate TOWARDs the speed of light:
---Is this the world's hardest way to get to own a stretch limo?
---What happens when you turn around to shout at the kids in the back seat
and find they've died from old age?
---What kind of havoc could this wreak on the honorable institution of
Backseat Driving?
---What happens if you miss a gear-change?
---If your kid tries to climb into the front seat with you?
---If you suddenly realize you forgot to turn the iron off?
---If one (or more) of your passengers tend towards car-sickness?
---If your headrest breaks off?
-Mike Smithson
School of Behavioural Sciences, James Cook University, Queensland 4811
Australia; bhmjsčmarlin.jcu.edu.au
english.647vkrstonosic,
Have you ever noticed the warnings on the back of lysol can's about how
misuse is against federal law.. I can just picture this......
***Fade in***
<*Ring* *Ring*>
Agent: "Federal Bureau of Investigations, this is Agent Dick"
Mother:"Sir, my son won't stop roasting cockroaches with my lighter and
the lysol can! I can't take it anymore!!"
Agent: "Hold on ma'm, we'll be right there. We'll make sure that little
&*%*%*$ pays for what he's done!"
Mother:"Please hurry! I heard him muttering something about cutting the tags
off of all the mattresses. I'm losing it!!" <sounds of bawling>
Agent: "Just stay on the phone ma'm, we've got a swat team on the way now.
Everything will be ok, just keep it together and hide the scissors!"
***Fade out***
//Cerebral meltdown//
english.648vkrstonosic,
This ferry is cutting through the Thames river in Britain. There are
only two people standing on the deck of the ferry. One is a sort of
well dressed englishman and other is a cockeney lady.
Suddenly there is a strong breeze which lifts this lady's gown
revealing her. This guy is obviously emabarassed and to start
some topic says to the lady: " Airy isn't it?"
The lady retorts: " Well what do ya hexpect ?? Hostrich feathers???
english.649vkrstonosic,
Did anyone see CNN this afternoon?
Did anyone see that stupid iraqi bitch hollering how mouth off
(no offense to arabs, just the spaz on CNN, and hussein, I hate hussein!)
"IT IS ALL OF YOU WHO ARE DOING THIS"
"IT IS THE WEST I TELL YOU!"
and so fourth, I couldn't understand what in the heck she was saying.
Why are they mad at us for killing civilians?
They are used to having there own people killed, why are they
so upset about it now?
And what do they call sending missiles to center city tel-avi, that is
the ones that make it.
english.650vkrstonosic,
In the national radio of Denmark, there is a program right
now, which you can call on the phone and tell your favorite
joke. A few days ago, a guy called and told this old one:
Hitler was visiting a KZ-camp. Walking around the camp,
he saw a little jewish girl, and he asked her:
- How old are you, my little freind?
- I'll be six years old tomorrow!
- Oh, no, You won't...
Then everything was silent in the studio, and after a while,
one of the hosts said:
- My grandfather died in one of those camps....
The guy on the phone was obviously(?) embarressed and really
sorry - Didn't know how to respond... Until the host
continued...
- Yeah, he fell from the watch tower!
Anders, Denmark.
My name : Anders Juul Nielsen
My quote: "Some people say that I've wasted my fortune. I say, that 90% of my
money was spend on women, booze and fast cars. The rest of my money
was wasted" - George Best, X-soccer pro.
Username: MADS FOEK, the name of a small magazine, on which I'm one of the
editors. We're always looking for good, funny articles to print. We
look though these pages of course, but if you have something good,
it would be greatly appreciated, if you'd mail us a copy.
Try finger madsfoekčdaimi.aau.dk for more info.
english.651vkrstonosic,
I have been subjected to the biases and special pleadings of
the artsy-fartsy culture vultures long enough. They sneer at
anything which isn't in their own mold (mould?) of
avant-gardishness. They perpetuate stupid jokes by laughing at
people who quite seriously say, "I may not know much about.... but I
know what I like."
It is time for the rest of us to revolt against this
claptrap of self-indulgent behaviour which passes itself off as "the
actualization of one's self potential," and which somehow has
unfortunately Šin Canuckland, at leastĆ bedeviled enough politicians
that fully 65.7% of our tax dollars go to supporting these alleged
artistes through direct grants and purchases of junk that any
sensible person would pay someone else to haul off to the municipal
landfill site. It is time for a new organization to be formed to aid
this revolution. To that end, I hereby announce the formation of
The P.L.O.
The Philistine Liberation Organization welcomes as new
members those who support this cause. The basic tenets of the PLO
are divided into two general categories: things we like and things
we don't like. An overall score of 80% qualifies you for membership.
Things we like:
1. Montovani's music - great stuff, easy listening.
2. McDonald's burgers - good taste, fast service, ok price.
3. Vinyl instead of leather for gloves, clothing, upholstery, etc.
- cheaper, requires less care, more durable.
4. Canadian wine - good high for the buck (in Ontario, anyway).
5. Shopping at K-mart - hey, they got some good stuff there, ya know.
6. Commodore 64s - good games and they're real computers, too.
7. Shopping Mall landscape art - isn't it amazing how real those pictures
look?
8. Barry Manilow's songs - they capture the true meaning of life.
9. Hockey Night in Canada, Monday Night ____ball, etc. - great
entertainment.
10. "If I have to go to a 'concert', I hope they play some marches - you
know, something I can hum along with and tap my feet to."
11. Prime time television - when I get home from work, I don't want to
have to think; I want to relax and feel good.
12. Winnebagos - why go camping without some of the bare necessities of
life?
13. LaChoy Chinese dinners. - authentic and easy to fix.
14. Pictures of dogs playing poker; they're *so* cute!
15. Velvet Elvis paintings.
16. Chicken Cordon Bleu; but other restaurants should follow Arby's
lead and put it on a bun. With ketchup.
17. Slim Whitman; he has an amazing vocal gift.
18. Beer in cans. None of this "fancy rubber stopper" imported stuff. And
forget the glass.
19. Red meat.
20. 8-track tapes or auto-reverse sound blasters: continuous play for
Manilow and Whitman, of course.
21. Cold pizza. It's not just for breakfast anymore!
22. Velcro closures. Zippers, snaps, laces, buttons are all passe' and much
less reliable.
23. Belching contests.
24. Watermelon seed spitting contests.
25. Ripplesole shoes - great comfort.
26. Burt Kaemfert and Lawrence Welk - good toe-tappin' music.
27. Micky's Malt Liquor - "It gets you there quicker."
28. Tuna casserole and lime jello - quick, easy, tasty, and sticks
to your ribs.
29. Boxcar Willie - the sounds of the lonesome road.
Things we don't like:
1. Real flowers - they wilt and need care - plastic's much better.
2. BMW's, Mercedes, etc. - I'll take an Econoline any day.
3. Gourmet food - so little food, such bad tastes, such high prices!
4. 100% wool or cotton - they require too much and too costly care - give
me polyester or acrylic instead.
5. Symphony orchestra concerts - especially playing 20th century music.
6. Real wood furniture - vinyl laminate is easier to care for and harder
to damage.
7. Birkenstock Sandals - footwear of the truly effete snobs.
8. "Serious" drama - hey, for $25 it had better make me laugh --- a lot.
9. Pictures that aren't pictures of anything.
10. "Cocktail" parties that serve only Perrier and vegetables.
11. PBS - if I wanted educational junk, I'd go to school.
12. backpacking - you mean people really LIKE to be uncomfortable?
That's sick.
13. Restaurants that serve crepes, but don't bring you any syrup.
14. And even if they do bring syrup, it's some horrid tasting stuff
made from a tree; I much prefer Aunt Jemima's.
15. French paintings that look as if the artist needed glasses.
16. Silly magazines with no sports section.
17. ...and no fold-out? You don't really read that stuff, do you?
18. Hi-fi systems with too many controls, like "equalizers" & "Dolby."
19. The Motion Picture Academy, for not giving "Rambo III" the Best
Picture Award; damn snobs.
20. sprouts of any kind.
21. Restaurants with ferns - who needs an annoying plant in the face;
especially one that sheds.
22. salad bars.
23. mixed drinks. Why bother?
24. Herbal tea - there's a good reason this stuff never catches on.
25. Any bar with stained glass (except maybe for beer stains).
26. Carob powder.
27. Foreign language menus - what pretentious snobs.
28. Gourmet food with wine in it! - a fine wine should be shaken first
and drunk from a bag, if possible.
29. Meaningful (i.e. pretentious) Fellini and Bergman movies with no
redeeming merit such as nudity or action or good music.
We hope you read this announcement in the spirit that one might
read, say, the drive-in movie reviews of Joe Bob Briggs.
The purpose of our organization, it must be made clear, is to pro-
mote tolerance and open-mindedness; to lampoon arrogance and self-
indulgent pomposity. We don't really give a $hit if you like Shostakovich,
escargot, and Birkenstocks. We also don't really give a $hit if you like
Neil Diamond, pizza, and Kodiak Grebs. We do, however, give a $hit if
you try to tell us what we should like; and we have real diarhea if you
try to get us to pay for what you think we should like.
Want to join the P.L.O.? ok, you're probably already a member
then. Want to add to the tenets? Mail your suggestions to me, and I'll
keep a list.
đ"You know what I'd like? a little plastic container
đof Hollandaise sauce for my Egg McMuffin." ---
đQuoted from 5 & 1/2 year-old Donald McDonald --
đBless his little gourmet heart.
english.652vkrstonosic,
What does Saddam have in common with pantyhose?
They both rub bush the wrong way.
english.653vkrstonosic,
Greetings.
I was explaning to my mom how some companies (mail oreder) are
better than others. I told her that for an addition $50 or so,
some companies would put their system through a "burn in".
She wanted an explanation of this "burn in" so I told her
that they put the computers in a very hot room and let them run
for 12-24 hours.
So she said: "Why not save that $50. When you get the computer,
put it in the oven for a day"
hahah :-)
Take care.
english.654vkrstonosic,
I read this in a serious newspaper about 10 years ago.
A gentleman in B.C. bought a large RV motor home with cruise control. After
driving from the dealer, he stopped at the store to get supplies for his
trip. Once he got on the highway he put the vehicle in cruise control...and
proceeded to the kitchen section of the RV to make breakfast! He was ofcourse
injured in the crash.
english.655vkrstonosic,
I was just reminded of the following gem tonight:
"How do you make Barry Manilow's (or Barbara Streizant's - sp?) nose
twelve inches?
Fold it in half..."
Of course, what my roomate said was:
"Hey, how can I make my dick 12 inches?"
...and in case you are wondering, yes it IS hell living with the guy...
Also this was posted some time ago:
"Did you hear about the worst Japaneze kamikaze pilot ever?
His name was Too-Chicken-To... He flew over two hundred missions..."
Rock on, Rosie...
Simos Hadjiyiannis
"Ase me na kanw lathos, mhn mou les pws hn ntroph,
Ase me na vrw monaxos pio to telos. pia h arxh..."
english.656vkrstonosic,
Subject: BEAUTIFUL HOUSE TO SHAVE
Looking for female housemate, 25+, to share large, beautiful
two-bedroom home in Emerald Hills with one female, one cat.
Guys, what do you think-- which is available for shaving--
the female or the cat? I have this terribly funny picture in
my head of an electric razor going rampant on the cat.
english.657vkrstonosic,
Top Ten Facets of Bush's State-of-the-union Speech
10) Kept profanity to a minimum
9) Cue card girls were outfitted by Frederick's (sp) of Hollywood
8) Snuck the phrase 'penis breadth' by the censors
7) Dan Quayle stayed awake for almost half of the speech
6) Excellent use of hand puppets to enhance critical points
5) Clever way of using the name of Mother Theresa and Saddam
Hussein in the same sentence
4) Advancing age has not dulled Bush's eloquent speaking voice
3) Provided two more clues to Pepsi's 'Crack the Code' contest
2) Maintained composure while an obviously intoxicated Barbara Bush
was dragged from the room
..and the Number One Facet of Bush's s-o-t-u speech
1) President's speech did not pre-empt 30 year-old B-grade movie
showing on cable super-station TBS.
english.658vkrstonosic,
I had this one told to me twice in the same evening. The second time, I was
prepared. As presented, it should be told to a man. It's easily modified to
fit your favorite gender, or ethnic group, or, or....
-----
A government study has just come out which shows that fifty-five percent of
American men masturbate. The other forty-five percent sing in the shower.
Do you know what they sing?
-----
Most men, of course, will indicate that they don't know. That's when the
fun begins....
...and it brings to mind an old gag that involves mumbling. As we used to
do this (č20 yr. ago), it involved some language which currently is considered
"politically incorrect". Therefore, we'll rephrase things slightly:
-----
"Did you know that over eighty percent of gay men are mumblemumblemumble?"
"Are what?"
"Hard of hearing."
-----
I've never laid this one on any of my gay acquaintences, but it might actually
be even funnier that way...assuming the existence of a sense of humor to begin
with. Fortunately, most folks seem to be born with a sense of humor, or at
least something they use for one.
I prefer to mumble nonsense syllables which follow "hard of hearing" in meter
and vowels.
Mumblemumblemumble,
d
PS -- Since you ask, I replied, "Wagner's 'Libestodt'."
d
--
"Got to slap these Goddamn Third World nations around, Flynn," he said,
"until they learn some manners." -- Gregory MacDonald, from _Flynn_
Duke McMullan n5gax nss13429r phon505-255-4642 ee5391aačtriton.cirt.unm.edu
english.659vkrstonosic,
Actually surveys indicate that 98% of men masturbate. (this is true!)
Further surveys indicate that the other 2% lied.
Đ/ oĐ Paul Crowley aipdcčuk.ac.ed.castle
/Đ__/ Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
english.660xenomorphe,
Ovo sam proslog leta (istina ziva) video u jelovniku u jednom
restoranu u Crnoj Gori:
Skusa
Fish ------------- ##.## (neka cena)
Sardele ------------- ##.##
Little Fish
Girice ------------- ##.##
Very Little Fish
Da su bile i papaline, mozda bi bilo nesto kao:
Very, very, teeny-weeny damn fucking bleeding indeed little fish
english.661dusan,
how do you know when your sister is having a period?
your fathers dick tastes funny.
english.662dejanr,
The Manager
V.M.C.A Hotel, London
Roma, 10.5.1991
Dear Signore Direttore,
Noew I am tella you story wat I was a treated at jour hotella. I
am a comma from Roma as tourist to London and stay as a young
christian man at your hottela. When comma in my room i sow there
is no shit in my bed - how can I sleep with no shit in my bed?
So I calla down to receptios and tella. "I wanta shit."
They tella me: "Go to toilett."
I say: "No, no I wanta shit in my bed."
They say: "You'd better not shit in your bed, you sonna-wa-bitch."
What is sonna-wa-bitch? I go down for breakfast into restorante.
I order becon and egges and two pissis of toast. I getta only
one piss of toast. I tella waitress, and point at toast: "I want
piss."
She tella me: "Go to toilet."
I say: "No, no I wanta piss on my plate."
She then say to me: "You'd bloody wella not piuss on the plate,
you sonna-wa-bitch."
That is the second person who not even know me calla me sonna-
wa-bitch, and why is your staff replying "Go to toilet", is that
a modern tella? I do not understand, please tella me.
Latter I go for dinner in your restorante. Spoon and knife is
laid out, but no fock. I tella waitress: "I wanta fock."
And she tella me: "Sure, everyone wanta fock."
I tella her: "No, no you don't understand me, I wanta fock on
the table."
She tella me: "So you sonna-wa-bitch wanta fock on the table?
Get your ass out of here."
How comma this christian hotell tella the guest in such bed
manner?
So I go to receptione and ask for bill. I no wanta stay in this
hotel no more. When I have paid the a billa the portier say to
me:
"Thank you, and piss on Yoe."
I say: "Piss on you too, you sonna-wa-bitch. I now go back to
Italy."
Dirtettore, I never gona stay in your hottela no more, you sona-
wa-bitch.
Mario Pisselin
english.663zivan,
▀What is the difference between a black man and a film ?
THe film can be developed !
english.664vasiljevic,
-> #663, zivanE moj zivane rasisto !!!!
Marko (the peace man;>)
english.665dristic,
How do you save a White girl from being rapped by five
Black boys ?
You throw in the Basketball !!!
english.666mtadic,
This one is from Germany, but is originally English
Q.: How many newspapers can a girl hold between her legs? (legs)
A.: 3 Daily Telegraph, or 5 Guardian or 4 Sun's...
...and as many Times as you want!
Enjoy it!
english.667dejanr,
YUGO-A-GO-GO: When Yugo auto sales took a nose dive, there were still
hundreds of thousands of kids who never had the chance to
ride in one of these Iron Curtain Wonder cars ! That's where
the amazing wacky Yugo-A-Go-Go comes in ! Aftyer inserting
a quarter, simply climb in, turn the ignition key and
experience the feeling of absolutely nothing happening ...
just like actual Yugo owners did ! And here's the extra
surprise: This ride ISN'T a toy replica ! Its's a real
non-working, cramped and uncomfortable Yugo ! Va Va Voom !
english.668djelovic,
A man comes to an auto shop and asks the clerk working there if he
could get a new gas cap for his yugo. "Sure," replied the clerk,
"sounds like a fair exchange."
english.669dusan,
This text is originally in Atari conference. Since most of you people do not
read "that" conf......
CONFERENCE: A group of people who individually, can do nothing,
but as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can
be done.
DEMOCRATS: I made so much money betting on the Democrats that I
became a Republican.
KIDS: Strike your child every day...if you don't know why
....he does.
SADIST: A guy who does nice things to a masochist.
english.670alexa,
'To be is to do' - Socrates
'To do is to be' - Jean Paul Sartre
'Do be do be do' - Frank Sinatra
english.671xenomorphe,
-> #670, alexa>'To be is to do' - Socrates
>'To do is to be' - Jean Paul Sartre
>'Do be do be do' - Frank Sinatra
Samo, zaboravio si ono glavno:
2b || !(2b)
english.672djelovic,
-> #671, xenomorphe>> xenomorphe, 19.08.Pon 01:40, 159 chr
----------
Xenomorphe? Oh, just another bug hunt... Aint it, Vaskez?
english.673beast,
-> #672, djelovic>> Xenomorphe? Oh, just another bug hunt... Aint it, Vaskez?
Jaoooooooo,još jedan pametan čovek na sezamu...Aliens! Najbolji
sf film ikada!
english.674lanik,
-> #673, beast
>> Aliens! Najbolji sf film ikada!
Možda bi trebalo u pokretne.slike, ali what the hell...
Aliens najbolji SF film?!?? Joooooooj! Aliens je samo bleda kopija
Alien-a, koji još i može da prodje kao jedan stvarno dooobar film, ali
Aliens???? Nije dovoljno da se dešava u svemiru da bi bio SF. SF nije samo
"pucačina u svemiru", pa makar se uništavali i Aliensi veličine King-konga.
Aliens je, isto kao i Highlander 2, samo jedan pokušaj da se izvuče još
koji dolar na "staru slavu".
Da me Esad Jakupović ne bi kritikovao, evo i vica: ;))
Q: What do you call a midget, fortune-teller that escaped from prison?
A: Small, medium, at large!
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
I've seen things u people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shore
of Orion. I watched C-beams... glitter in the dark, near the Tannhauser gate.
All those moments will be lost, in time... like tears... in rain. Time to die.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
english.675dusan,
-> #674, lanik-> Aliens najbolji SF film?!?? Joooooooj! Aliens je samo bleda kopija
->Alien-a, koji još i može da prodje kao jedan stvarno dooobar film, ali
mali grešiš, Aliens je stvarno strašno dobar film, u svim pogledima. I tehnički
i scenario, ama sve. To je jedan od retkih filmova koji je prevazišao prvi deo,
i koji te drži dobrih dva sata u grču. Ali to još nije sve. Snimljen je treći
deo koji bi uskoro trebao na velika vrata da sa pojavi. Kažu da će on jedini da
parira Terminatoru 2 ove godine. E za njega već mogu da kažem da je snimljen da
bi izvukao koji dolar više, znači čista komercijala.
-> Da me Esad Jakupović ne bi kritikovao, evo i vica: ;))
da ne bi i mene, evo ga i moj: ;)))
Zašto bosanci imaju ravno teme?
kad piju vodu iz WC šolje - poklopi ih daska.
p.s. pa pošto ste svi nešto citirali iz filmova (Aliens, Bladerunner) i ja
ću biti kratak:
~~ There can be only one ~~
english.676ivujanic,
-> #675, dusan> mali grešiš, Aliens je stvarno strašno dobar film, u svim pogledima. I
> tehnički
Ama ništa bez Odiseje i najboljeg filma: PAKLENE POMORANDčE. Ko
je nije video, nije ni živeo.
To mu dođe kao da od knjiga nije pročitao Vodiča...
Pozdrav, Ivica
P.S: Ima li negde da se kupi Vodič? Odavno se priča o novom
izdanju...
english.677iboris,
-> #676, ivujanicŁ Ama ništa bez Odiseje i najboljeg filma: PAKLENE POMORANDčE. Ko
Ł je nije video, nije ni živeo.
Postojala je svojevremeno i grupa PAKLENSKA POMORANžA
english.678iboris,
-> #677, iborisŁ Postojala je svojevremeno i grupa PAKLENSKA POMORANžA
Ne znaju svi, verovatno - heavy metal grupa !
english.679vasiljevic,
JA bih zeleo da se ispovedim :
Nisam procitao Vodica , a pratim pomalo SF .
Recite mi gde se trenutno prodaje Vodic i kakvo je to novo izdanje koje je neko
pomenuo.Ako neko ima zelju da mi pozajmi knjigu rado bih je prihvatio (mislim
knjigu ;>).
Marko (the lkdhs)
english.680lanik,
-> #679, vasiljevic Štaaa?????!!?? Nisi pročitao Vodiča!???!???
Djavole! ;)))))) To je neoprostiv greh! Za ovo ćeš goreti u paklu!!! ;))
english.681dejanr,
-> #679, vasiljevicChetka, kamo ukrasi?
english.682vkrstonosic,
Pošto su me u konferenciji Forum proglalili za proroka, mogu da
proreknem jednu novu stvar. Uskoro će u konferenciji Vicevi da se pojavi
nekoliko zvezdica uz neke poruke. Za neupućene, uz zvezdice obično ide
poruka "Poništio moderator" ;)
U konferenciji Forum postoji tema literatura, pa bih zamolio
pojedince da diskusiju o SF prebace tamo. Vrlo je neprijatno kada čovek
dodje na Sezam i vidi da ima 3 nova vica, a ono "Mnogo dobra knjiga".
english.683mkiric,
Jedan pravi engleski gentleman reši da se okupa. Legne on, posle dobrog
ručka, u kadu (koju mu je prethodno napunio batler) i počne da se relaksira.
Kad se već sasvim opustio, dođe mu, kao i svakom normalnom čoveku koji se
posle dobrog ručka nađe u toploj vodi, da prdne. Međutim, on je gentleman a
to takvima ne priliči. Premišlja se on tako, i na kraju dođe do zaključka da
to niko neće znati pošto je ionako sam u kupatilu i reši da pusti duši na
volju.
...
Posle par minuta ulazi batler u kupatilo noseći srebrni poslužavnik i
vlašu viskija na njemu.
- George, what does this mean - I didn't order any drink, did I?
- Excuse me, sir, but didn't you shout: BUTTLERRRRRR, BRRRRRRRING_ME
A_BBBBBOTTTTLE_OF BURRRRRRRBONNN! a few minutes ago?
english.684vule,
Evo dva citata na meksičkom :). Molim pričati sa dozom autentičnosti.
"Hey GRRRingo!
I kill foR money, but you aRR my fRRend and I will kill you foR
nawting!"
*** *** ***
One day, when I went to town, I met PedRo PistoleRo. He had a gun,
and I didn't. And he said to me:
- shit and eat it
and what could I do, I did it.
Next day when I went to town, I met PedRo again. This time I had a
gun and he didn't. And I said to him:
- shit and eat it
and what could he do, he did it.
And the tRRRd day when I came to town, I met PedRo again. This time
he had a gun, but I had one as veeel. And he said to me:
- shit and eat it
but I said to him
- shit and eat it.
And vot could we do, we had a lunch togedeRRR.
english.685ndragan,
-> #675, dusan* mali grešiš, Aliens je stvarno strašno dobar film, u svim pogledima. I
* tehnički i scenario, ama sve. To je jedan od retkih filmova koji je
* prevazišao prvi deo,
ne bih rekao - kompletna završna sekvenca (10 min) je prepisana iz prvog
dela, pa obavezni mudroser iz velike kompanije koji pušta da ljudi ginu zarad
nekog budućeg profita... jedino je pirotehnički i donekle dizajnerski bolje,
ali 90% iznenađenja je potrošeno u prvom delu.
ah da, obavezni sastav: koliko je psihijatara potrebno da se zavrne sijalica?
jedan, ako uspe da ubedi sijalicu da ona od ranog detinjstva ima podsvesnu
želju da bude zavrnuta
this message will self destruct in 10 minutes ... resign this conference to a
safe distance... Booe_ NDragan
english.686max.headroom,
****************************************************\
*********** Transmitted by Max Labs. Inc. **********\\
********************************************\\\\\\\\\\
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Sex and the single amoeba: What every teen should know
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ by Dave Barry
^^^^^^^^^^
Note: This entire article is devoted to sex and is not meant to
be read by children, except of course those children who sincerely
desire to read a lot of really explicit information about sex.
Later in this article I will explain how to drive virtually any
member of the opposite sex insane with sexual desire using only
inexpensive kitchen implements, but first let me address the
question of sex in one-celled animals.
Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals
have orgasms? The answer is yes, the have orgasms almost
constantly, which is why they don't mind living in pools of warm
slime. Remember when you watched amoebas through a microscope in
high school biology?
They would writhe around in a sensuous manner until they realized
they were being observed by high school students; then the male
would clamber off the female and ooze away in embarrassment. Of
course, your teacher claimed that you were actually looking at one
amoeba splitting into two, but only the really stupid kids
swallowed that absurd explanation.
Another commonly asked sex question is: How do insects find
sexual partners? Attractive insects, such as butterflies, have no
problems in this area. Anybody would want to have sex with a
butterfly. But what about aphids? What about roaches, for God's
sake? You'd have to be really drunk to have fact , that is
refrigerator and swill cheap wine until their standards get really
low, then they have drunken, tawdry sex.
The female immediately lays 40 billion eggs which hatch the next
day, but by that time the parents have moved to another area of
the kitchen and changed their names, so the children have nobody
o love and care for them, and they pass the time eating little
olled-up balls of ketchup and floor dirt, and before long they,
oo, turn to liquor, and the cycle of life repeats.
Fish are completely different. Most fish live underwater, which
s a terrible place to have sex because virtually anywhere you lie
own there will be stinging crabs and large quantities of little
ish staring at you with buggy little eyes.
So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around and
round for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
emale gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
umps her eggs right on the sand and swims away.
Then the male, driven by some timeless, noble instinct for
urvival, eats the eggs. So the truth is that fish don't
eproduce at all, but there are so many of them that it doesn't
ake any difference.
The only exception is the shark. Sharks don't care if little fish
atch them have sex, and they are not afraid to lie down on
tinging crabs, because they are very tough. Sharks are as tough
s those football fans who take their shirts off during games in
hicago in January, only more intelligent.
The male shark starts the courting ritual by swimming up to the
emale at speeds approaching 45 miles an hour and ripping out
uge, jagged chunks of her flesh. If the female is aroused, she
esponds by sinking a small fishing vessel, after which they have
loud grunting sex for up to four days, which is why they always
ve those glassy stares. The female shark gives birth after
about 652 days, then nurses her baby for another two weeks, after
hich she kills it.
Birds are a marvelous example of how clever Mother Nature can be
hen she wants to solve a sexual problem. As you know, birds do
not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight.
[In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the Wright Brothers.
They were watching birds one day, trying to figure out how to get
their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on Wilbur.
"Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
organs!" You should have seen their original design.]
As a result, birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually.
You almost never see an aroused bird. So when they want to
reproduce, birds fly up and stand on telephone lines, where they
monitor telephone conversations with their feet. When they find a
conversation in which people are talking dirty, they grip the line
very tightly until they are both highly aroused, at which point
the female gets pregnant.
This is why birds are abundant in areas where you have a lot of
irty telephone conversations, such as Los Angeles, whereas birds
re so scarce in Canada that they must be imported in huge flocks
very year.
What can we learn about human sexuality from these lower forms of
life? Nothing. Most humans belong to the mammal family, and in
mamextremely receptive to males in 1978, especially to this really
disgusting diseased neighborhood dog named Snoopy [of course] that
used t come around whining and sniffing and going to the bathroom
everywhre and generally staying just out of range of the 4,000 or
o rocks I threw at him. Shawna was abslutely nuts about Snoopy.
She would watch him out the wn through rocks
at teenaged males.
But you may rest assured that ifyour teenaged daughter decides to
be receptive, she will not e receptive to the wealthy teenaged
male who comes around in an Izd shirt carrying flowers and candy;
she will be receptive tothe one who has needle marks on his arms
and calluses on his finges from dialing the Venereal Disss:
"The female sexual organs consist of the pupa, the vulva, the
medina, hphen, the sui generis and the tubes; the male organs
consist of he seminole vessel, the vast difference, the pendula
and the contabassoon. During intercourse, the pendula reaches a
state of enorgement and is placed in the vicinity of the medina,
which respods in kind until both organs have secreted a variety
f fluidic substances, at which time withdrawal becomes possib"
After a few minutes of this kind of talk, your kids will give up
on sex and go back to their computers, and you'll be safe for
anotherweek or two.
This leads us to adult sex. f you want to enjoy adult sex, you
should start by reading the lettes to Penthouse magazine because
they will give you many practicalsuggestions for spicing up your
sex life:
"My wife and I weregetting less and less interested in sex, so
one dy we went out anught a portable air compressor and 200
airs of rubber gloves....."
You can also spice up your sex life using the method involving
inexpensive kitchen implements tha I mentioned at the begining
of thi s article. Unfortunately, I've run out of space here, so I can't
go into detail. I'll try to cover it in another artice,
possibly in the food section.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
english.687max.headroom,
CUCUMBERS (MaxProductionInc)
---------
********************************************************************
======= Posle citanja ovog texta, zasigurno cete pozeleti ==========
============ svoj licni 'Cucumber' ;>>>>>>>> Prijatno! =============
********************************************************************
The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.
Cucumbers are always hard.
A cucumber never has performance problems.
It's no problem to pick up a cucumber.
Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
Cucumbers will respect you. The next morning too.
Cucumbers won't ask, "Am I the first".
Cucumbers arn't concerned with your virginity.
Cucumbers won't tell.
Cucumbers don't have hang-ups.
Cucumbers don't kiss & run.
You can enjoy as many cucumbers as you can handle.
You can eat cucumbers whenever YOU feel like it.
Cucumbers won't ask for their rating, on a scale from 1 to 10.
Cucumbers won't make a scene if there are other cucumbers available.
Cucumbers don't mind hiding in your refridgerator when your mother comes over.
Cucumbers don't give hickeys.
No matter what your age is, you can get your own personal cucumber.
Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in a wet spot.
Cucumbers won't leave you wondering for a month.
Cucumbers won't tell you that a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
Cucumbers never forget to flush the toilet.
Cucumbers don't compare you to centerfolds.
Cucumbers don't tell you that you look better with long hair.
A cumumber will never leave you for another woman, another man,
another cucumber.
A cumumber won't tell you that he's outgrown you intellectually.
Cucumbers won't expect you to have little cucumbers.
Cucumbers are easy to discard.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
english.688max.headroom,
===================\\\
Everybody Does It \\\
===================///
SCIENTISTS ..............discovered it.
RESEARCHERS .............are still looking for it.
GEOLOGISTS ..............are great explorers.
CHEMISTS ................like to experiment.
DOCTORS .................do it with patience.
DENTAL HYGENISTS ........do it till it hurts.
VETERINARIANS ...........are pussy lovers.
CHIREPRACTORS ...........do it by manipulation.
DENTISTS ................do it in your mouth.
PROCTOLOGISTS ...........do it in the end.
DIETECIANS ..............eat better.
OCEANOGRAPHERS ..........do it down under.
ARCHEOLOGISTS ...........like it old.
DRUGTISTS ...............fill your prescription.
NURSES ..................call the shots.
WRITERS .................have novel ways.
PROFESSORS ..............do it by the book.
SURGEONS ................are smooth operators.
PARAMEDICS ..............can revive anything.
INVENTORS ...............find a way.
COPS ....................have bigger guns
STUDENTS ................use their heads.
DRUMEERS ................do it in 4/4 time.
JANIMORS ................clean up afterwards.
PRINTERS ................reproduce the fastest.
MILKMEN .................deliver twice a week
SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS .....are oral specialists.
TAILORS .................make it fit.
OPERATORS ...............do it person-to-person.
BANKARS .................do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal!)
REAL ESTATE PEOPLE ......know all the prime spots.
SALE PEOPLE .............have away with their tongues.
ENGINEERS ...............charge by the hour.
POLICEMEN ...............like big busts.
LAWYERS .................do it in their briefs.
INTETIOR DECORATORS .....do it all over the house.
BAKERS ..................knead it daily.
ARCHITECTS ..............have great plans.
BABYSITTERS .............charge by the hour.
BOSSES ..................delegate the task to others.
EXECUTIVES ..............have large staffs.
SECRETARIES .............do it from 9 to 5.
BOOKKEEPERS .............do it with double entry
ACCOUNTANTS .............are good with figures.
CREDIT MANAGERS .........always collect.
TYPISTS .................do it in triplicate.
CONSULTANTS .............tell other how to do it.
ATTONNEYS ...............make better motions.
REPORTERS ...............do it daily.
MILLIONAIRES ............pay to have it done.
AUDICORS ................like to examine figures.
MANAGERS ................supervise others.
COMPUTER OPERATORS ......get the most out of their software.
COCKKAIL WAITRESSES .....serve highballs.
POSTMEN .................come slower.
BUS DRIVERS .............come early and pull out on time.
TAXI DRIVERS ............do it all over town.
AMBULANCE DRIVERS .......come quicker.
GARBAGEMEN ..............come once a week.
JEWELERS ................mount real gems.
INSUAANCE SALESMEN ......are premium lovers.
PILOTS ..................keep it up longer.
STEWARDESSES ............do it in the air.
POLICICIANS .............do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.
NONSMOKERS ..............do it without huffing and puffing.
ADVENTISERS .............use the "new, improved" method.
CLOWNS ..................do it for laughs.
FIREMEN .................are always in heat.
ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS ...do it over and over.
GAS STATION ATTENDANTS ..pump all day.
TELLERS .................can handle all deposits and withdrawals.
LIBRARIANS ..............do it quietly.
SAILORS .................like to be blown.
ARTISTS .................are exhibitionists.
LOCKSMITHS ..............can get into anything.
CHESSPLAYERS ............check their mates.
MUSICIANS ...............do it with rythm.
VIOLINISTS ..............duet better.
DANCERS .................do it in leaps and bounds.
PHOTOGRAPHERS ...........do it with a flash.
HAIRDRESSERS ............give the best blow jobs.
BARTENDERS ..............do it on the rocks.
TAXIDERMISTS ............mount anything.
MINISTERS ...............do it on Sundays.
RETAILERS............. ..move their merchandise.
BARBERS .................do it with shear pleasure.
WAITRESSES ..............serve it piping hot.
FURRIERS ................appreciate good beaver.
DETECTIVES ..............do it under cover.
BAILIFFS ................always come to order.
RADIO ...................and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.
BRICKLAYERS .............lay all day.
MOVIE STARS .............do it on film
MODELS ..................do it in any position.
CRANE OPERATORS .........have swinging balls.
FARMERS .................spread it around.
BEEKEEPERS ..............like to eat their honey.
GARDENERS ...............have 50 foot hoses.
TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES .let their fingers do the walking.
MAGICIANS ...............are quicker than the eye.
COWBOYS .................handle anything horny.
COWGIRLS ................like to ride bareback.
TRUCKERSS ...............carry bigger loads.
MISSILEMEN ..............have better thrust.
DRYWALLERS ..............are better bangers.
HANDYMEN ................like good screws.
BAND MEMBERS ............play all night.
REPAIRMEN ...............can fix anything.
SPORTSCASTERS ...........like an instant replay.
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS ....lay a better foundation.
ROOFERS .................do it on top.
MINERS ..................sink deeper shafts.
CARPET LAYERS ...........do it on the floor.
PAINTERS ................do it with longer strokes.
PLUMBERS ............... do it under the sink.
CARPENTERS ..............hammer it harder.
ELEC RICIANS ............check your shorts.
MACHINESTS ..............make the best screws.
LANDSCAPERS .............plant it deeper.
RECYCLERS ...............use it again.
BEER BREWERS ............do it with more hops.
DIRECT MAILERS ..........get it in the sack.
TRUCK DRIVERS ...........have bigger dipsticks.
ACTORS ..................do it on cue.
CHEERLEADERS ............do it with more ent ................have better meat.
ELDERS .................have hotter rods.
RACQUETBALL YERS .....do it off the wall.
GOLFERS .................do it in 18 holes.
BOWLERS .................have bigger bals.
FOOTBALL PLAYERS ........are measured bythe yard.
WRESTLERS ...............know the best olds.
RACERS ..................like to come in frst.
GYMNISTS ................mount and dsmount well.
COACHES .................whistle hile they work.
SOCCER PLAYERS ..........have leater balls.
JOGGERS .................do it on th run.
TENNIS PLAYERS ..........have fuzlls.
SKYDIVERS ...............are good till the last drop.
BEER DRINKERS ...........get more head.
BASEBALL PLAYERS ........make it to firt base.
WATER SKIERS ............come down harder.
DIVERS .................do it deeper.
BASKETBALL PLAERS ......score more often.
VOLLEYBALLPLAYERS ......keep it up.
C'Bers ..................do it o the air.
LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS ...last longer
FISHERMEN ...............are proud of heir rods.
HUNTERS .................do it wth a bang.
MPERS .................do it in a tent.
FOUR-WHEELERS ...........eat more buh.
BRIDGE PLAYERS ..........try to get a ruber.
DEER HUNTERS ............will do anythig for a buck.
HORSEBACK RIDERS ........stay in the saddle longer.
BICYCLSTS ..............do it with 10 speeds.
RUNNERS ................get into more pants.
HAM OPERATORS ...........do it wth frequency.
COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS ...justcan't stop.
MOTORCYCLISTS ...........like somthing hot between their legs.
SPELUNKE ..............do it underground.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
english.689vkrstonosic,
-> #685, ndragan>> this message will self destruct in 10 minutes ... resign this conference
>> to a safe distance... Booe_ NDragan
Bio si blizu istine, malo je nedostajalo da ostaneš bez poruke, ali mojom
krivicom ;)
Mene neko ovde malo zaje*ava, vidim ja. Opalili diskusiju u mojoj
konferenciji, a na kašičicu mi daju po neki vic. Dosta diskusije !!!
english.690dejanr,
Three guys were drowning, Walesman, Scotsman and Irishman.
Along came an Englishman in a boat and guys started pleading him
to pull them out of water.
"OK," said the Englishman,"but first each of you must answer a
question!"
All of them agreed, of course.
First it was Walesmans' turn.
"What was the greatest disaster of all times at sea?"
-"Titanic!"
"Right," said the Englishman and pulled him out.
Scotsman followed.
"How many casualties were then?"
-"1536."
"Right." And Scotsman was saved.
And now Englishman looked at the Irish guy who was barely alive,
waited for a minute and asked: "Name 'em!"
english.691madamov,
Da li ste znali da su kod Amera Teksašani ono što su kod nas Bosanci, Mujo,
Haso ... ?
english.692djelovic,
The only problem with safe sex is that you have to stop to turn
the page.
english.693dejanr,
Yugoslavia has recently broken down over unresolvable differences between it's
different ethnics groups. What if this split was to continue to a ridiculous
level: This work is original and topical.
History of the Jolnopski family house
1990: Part of Yugoslavia, but not too pleased about it.
1991: Part of the new nation of Croatia and fairly rapt in it.
1992: Croatia begins to break down, mainly caused by the controversial 2-0
defeat of Croatia North by Croatia South.
1993: The famous Skiski valley area cecedes from Croatia North, citing
deliberate gardening by the treacherous mountain folk, whose deliberate and
premeditated digging cut off the MTV cable.
1994: Trotsky Street district splits from the rest of the valley over the
great Lamington Drive fraud. Mrs Jolnopski swears she saw the Lompocski twins
dipping their sticky fingers in the till, and has the stained currency to
prove it.
1995: Number 24 (The Jolnopski household) leaves the Trotsky Street Republic,
blaming it on the infamous Pissing In The Plug Socket incident, which resulted
in a power surge that blacked out the whole valley for two days, two cats
losing their tails, four black eyes, three broken noses and seventy two
pregnancies.
1996: The Jolnopski Independent Federation undergoes massive changes as Mrs
Jolnopski tries to enter Janov's bedroom without a visa. All hell breaks
loose when Stanislaw tries to import wild mushrooms into the kitchen without a
customs clearance. Violence breaks out when little Eva doesn't pay duties on
the use of her sister's Bon Jovi tapes. The dog cecedes and annexes the
backyard.
If you've enjoyed reading this (or my previous 'Long Airline Flight' posting)
and you'd like to read more, I write a weekly serial called Rocket Roger.
Drop a line and I'll subscribe you, or check out the merchandise on rec.humor.
The Mad Scribe
english.694dejanr,
Sam and Susan were invited to a costume party. Susan went out and rented
costumes for the both of them. However, when the time came for the party,
Susan wasn't feeling well and Sam went on alone.
A few hours later, Susan began to feel better and decided to go on to the
party. She realized that while she knew Sam was in a gorilla suit, he had
never seen her costume, and decided to go and see what he got up to while
he was alone.
She arrived and observed him dancing closely with a series of beautiful
women. She approached him and began flirting, and soon they were taking
a walk in the woods alone. They then undressed in the darkness and had
sex.
She got home before her husband and when he arrived, she was in bed. She
asked him, "How was the party?". He replied "Oh, the usual - you know I
never have much fun at these things alone." "Didn't you even dance?", she
asked. "No, I sat in the den all night playing cards. The guy I loaned my
costume to had a ball, though..."
english.695dejanr,
Subject: Separated at Birth?
From: price@uclapp.physics.ucla.edu (The Quantum Mechanic)
News analysts on CNN claim that the Acting Soviet President, Gennadi
Yanaev, was originally selected by Gorbachev because he was "pliable,"
and "weak-willed."
Aren't these the same qualities that led George Bush to select Dan
Quayle...?
[Brad: this is original]
John Price * * * * price@uclapp.physics.ucla.edu
Where there is no solution, there is no problem.
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Bush's lesson from Soviet coup
From: jhelbaum@princeton.edu
(This is original)
Mikhail Gorbachev was on vacation at his summer home in the Crimea when
his close advisors placed him under house arrest and staged a coup.
Upon hearing the news at his summer home in Kennebunkport, President Bush
rushed back to Washington, cutting his vacation short.
Looks like Bush learned at least one lesson from recent events.
==> Jason Elbaum jhelbaum@phoenix.princeton.edu
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Yeltsin
From: mark@motown.altair.fr
Don't know if this got any coverage in the States, but the Paris
newspaper _Liberation_ today quoted Boris Yeltsin as commenting:
"You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on
it for very long."
--
Mark James <mark@bdblues.altair.fr> or <mark@nuri.inria.fr>
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Behind the coup...
From: carlo@nu.uchicago.edu (Carlo Graziani)
The new Kremlin leadership announced today that they have hired Al Haig as
a consultant in constitutional law...
= = = = = = = =
Subject: new truth
From: evan@apollo.com (Evan Morton)
(original)
What's black and white and red all
over again?
Pravda.
-------
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Topical LBJs (original)
From: slocum@orion.ssdc.honeywell.com (Brett Slocum)
Q: How many Soviet hardliners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five; one to screw in the light bulb and four to drive the tank.
Q: How many Soviet citizens does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two; one to screw in the light bulb and one to make the old one into
a Molotov Cocktail.
= = = = = = = =
Subject: The real reason the coup failed
From: bill@bessel.as.utexas.edu
The following was posted to talk.politics.soviet by
Jim Meritt: The real reason the coup in the Soviet Union
failed is....
As soon as the PLO spoke out in favor of the coup, the committee of 8
was doomed. The PLO seems to go out of its way to pick losers.
Bill Jefferys
= = = = = = = =
Subject: GORBY'S NOTE
From: carasso@inference.com (Roger x179 Carasso)
Dear Principal, Aug 21, 1991
Please excuse lil Gorby. He had a cold for the last few days and
was not feeling well. Borris has been collect Gorby's homework for
him, and he has made it all up.
Thank you,
Mrs. Gorbachev
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Gorbachev's illness
From: lucier@newton.math.purdue.edu (Bradley Lucier)
Did you know that Gorbachev really was sick?
He had a bad case of the 24 hour coup.
My wife shares the blame for this joke.
= = = = = = = =
Subject: A bunch of coup coups
From: RICH@suhep.phy.syr.edu (Richard S. Holmes)
The overthrow of Gorbachev was so badly botched, I'm starting to wonder if it
was thought up by the Coup Klutz Klan.
= = = = = = = =
Subject: It takes a Prime Minister to figure it out?
From: KQUINN@vm.uoguelph.ca (Kenneth W. Quinn)
Here's a quote from Canadian Prime Minister Brian Mulroney, commenting on the
events unfolding in the Soviet Union:
'It's a terrible, terrible day for democracy...'
--- as seen by me on the 91-08-19 Global Television Network Evening
News
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Gorbachev's ouster
From: tyg@zip.eecs.umich.edu (Tom Galloway)
From the CIMX morning radio show:
(in a thick Russian accent) "Help, I've fallen from power and I
can't get up!"
"OK, Mr. Gorbachev, we've called your immediate family and the
major Western heads of state and help is on the way."
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Political Upheaval
From: ryan@server.cs.jhu.edu
And in our other news today, Dan Quayle <with the support of Marilyn and
the national guard> has launched a coup against the Vice-Presidency! In
a press release, he stated, "I wanted to prove for once and for all that
I am my own man, which includes writing my own press releases."
-- Ryan S. Borgstrom
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Coup timing
From: hplabs!hp-sdd.sdd.hp.com!megatek!rgs@decwrl.UUCP (Rusty Sanders)
I've been puzzeling over the timing of the coup in the Soviet Union, and I
think I've figured out why the coup happened when it did.
August is sweeps month for CNN.
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Gorby's Yellow Ribbon
From: gornish@csrd.uiuc.edu (Edward H. Gornish)
(Sung to the obvious tune.)
I'm coming home I've done my time.
And I've got to know what's Yeltsin's and what is mine.
Now if you've received the message telling you I'd soon be free,
Then you'll know just what to do if you still want me.
If you still want me.
Oh tie a yellow ribbon around the Kremlin tower.
It's been three long days that I've been out of power.
If I don't see a ribbon around that old Kremlin tower,
I'll stay in Crimea,
Ain't never gonna see ya',
Cause Yeltsin's the man of the hour.
If I don't see a yellow ribbon around that old Kremlin tower.
Aeroflot pilot please look for me,
Cause I couldn't dare to see what I might see.Now I'm really still in trouble,
and it's like there's still a coup,
A simple yellow ribbon will cure me from the flu.
Cure me from the flu.
(CORUS)
Eddie Gornish
University of Illinois - Center for Supercomputing research & Development
ARPANET: gornish@csrd.uiuc.edu
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Gorbachev's memoirs
From: garym@telesoft.UUCP (Gary Morris @telesoft.com)
[original]
My wife is anxious to read Gorbachev's memoirs. She thinks he
should call them "How I Spent My Summer Vacation."
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Tomorrow's news?
From: dan@codex.com (Dan Breslau)
<As I write this, the news out of Moscow is extermemly encouraging;
there are unconfirmed reports that the remaining leaders of the coup have
been arrested. However, the idea for this came to me based on yesterday
evening's news...>
WASHINGTON, August 23, 1991 -- President Bush announced today that the
United States, the EEC, and China had all agreed to a complete medical
quarantine of the USSR. Speaking for the leaders of the world's major
powers, Bush said that the plague which seems to be attacking the USSR's
leaders was dangerous enough to warrant immediate action. "We don't
know yet if this plague is truly, um, really contagious. May be simply
a coincidence. But it's kind of, err, strange that first President
Gorbachev was stricken, and then some of the people who had him arrested,
that is, received his resignation, came down with the same problem."
The disease with which President Gorbachev has been afflicted first
appeared Sunday night when he developed high blood pressure and back
pain, symptoms not normally associated with reluctance to govern a
major superpower. Some specialists have suggested that the sudden
desire to resign may itself be a symptom of the disease. This
speculation is fueled by the fact that of the eight leaders who
took Gorbachev's place, three have already shown the same symptoms
and left office.
President Bush said that this last symptom is what troubled the allies
enough to institute the quarantine. "We can't have a situation, you
know, where suddenly everyone who runs a country is stepping down. That
could lead to major instability, real trouble in running the world's
nations."
Bush left the press conference to attend a hastily-scheduled appointment
with his opthemologist. "It's a minor problem. Just need to get it
checked out. Some problems with the vision thing."
= = = = = = = =
Subject: Gorby's "Vacation"
From: kraig@cc.gatech.edu (Kraig M. Hanson)
Regarding Gorby's recent vacation, the following
billboard in Michigan was shown on HNN:
WELCOME HOME
GORBY!
---------------------------
Next Time Vacation Michigan
--
Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
english.696dejanr,
A young girl asked her mother "Mommy, do you get into heaven feet first?"
"I don't know, why do you ask?"
"Because the maid's upstairs with her feet in the air, shouting `God, I'm
coming, God, I'm coming,' but dad's on top and won't let her go."
english.697dejanr,
Saddam Hussein, curious to see how his newly implemented decree allowing Iraqis
to travel abroad for the first time in years heads down to the passport office.
Once there he joins the line. One after another the passport seekers ahead of
him insist that President Saddam take their place. Very quickly he has moved to
the head of the line and he is dealing with the clerk. The clerk issues
President Saddam his passport with lightning speed. The president thanks the
clerk, then turns around to discover that all those in line behind him have
vanished without a trace. Saddam turns back to the clerk and asks what has
happened. "Simple", says the clerk, "if you leave Iraq, no else has to."
english.698dejanr,
*** Looking for a boy-friend ***
Following are some of the requirements.
* Make and Model : Human/Male
* Year : 1950 - 1958
* Mileage : Low mileage
* Engine : Eight Cylinder (V-1 position)
EFI**
Manual overdrive
Cam shaft in excellent condition
Well lubed
Triple exhaust (all three functional)
Very low noise
Quick acceleration (Zero to Sixty Nine in <8 sec.)
A lot of horse power (must feel it)
Repeating pistons
Built in fuel injection
No exhaust fumes or smoke
* Transmission : Manual
* Stick Shift : 5 on the floor;
Fun in 1st, sensual in 2nd, titillating in 3rd,
fabulous in 4th, and fucking good in 5th.
Revs in reverse and performs in Park
Over-drive required
Ease of use of the stick shift is a plus
* Shocks : Smooth ride and heavy duty suspension
* Brakes : Front - Disk, Rear - Cylinder
(no leaks in the system and enough fluids)
* Steering : Power steering
Easy to handle
Endurance tested
Cruise control
* Radiator : No boiling
Quick warm up and cool down and good for long trips
* Body : Extremely hard glossy finish
Well constructed
Power locks
Long body
Good breather
Safety inspected
No Dents/Excellent Condition (well kept)
Colour - any
Detailing - as needed but not over-done
Blinking lights - any colour
Weight - 140 - 210 lbs
Pleasant Grill
Easily Convertible - Removable cover at will
Comfortable Driver Seat
Front and Back Double Soft-Cushion(tm) suspension
!Đ Slim but adequate tires
Absolutely no rust (must be checked/certified by me)
Clean engine (should be able to eat it)
* Driving : Has a good hard drive
Evokes a great deal of pleasure
* Cost : Less than the Bill of rights
** EFI =Easy Front Interface
english.699dejanr,
*** Looking for a girl-friend ***
Following are some of the requirements.
* Make and Model : Human/Woman
* Year : 1966 - 1972
* Mileage : Low (prefer ~0)
* Engine : Three Cylinder (V-1 position)
EFI**
Multi-port Injection
Single fuel intake/double exhaust (all three usable)
Very low noise
Quick acceleration (Zero to Sixty Nine in <8 sec.)
A lot of horse power (must feel it)
No exhaust fumes or smoke
* Transmission : Manual
Over-drive required
Ease of use of the stick shift is a plus
* Clutch : Good condition, should be able to handle hard
driving in the city.
* Breaks : Front - Disk, Rear - Cylinder (no leaks in the
system and enough fluids)
* Radiator : No boiling
Quick warm up and cool down
* Body : No Dents/Excellent Condition (well kept)
Color - any (original hood color)
Detailing - as needed but not over-done
Blinking lights-any color (prefer blue)
Weight - Less than 115 lb
Pleasant Grill
Easily Convertible (Remover cover at will)
Comfortable Driver Seat
Front and Back Double Soft-Cushion(tm) suspension
Slim but adequate tires
Absolutely no rust (must be checked and certified)
Clean inside (should be able to eat off it)
* Cost : Less than the Bill of rights
** EFI = Easy Front Interface
english.700dejanr,
A family from Maine was visiting relatives in Georgia one summer. The little
boy from Maine was playing with his little girl cousin. Since it was so hot,
they stripped and waded in the creek for a while. As they were sunning
themselves afterward, the little girl drawled, "ya know, ah never knew there
was so much difference between a Yankee and a Southerner."
english.701dejanr,
Saddam Hussien calls up George Bush.
"Mr. President," he says, "I must discuss peace with you."
"To what do I owe this sudden change of heart?" asks Bush.
"You see," explains Hussein, "Last night I had a dream. And in this dream
I was in your capitol, and I looked up upon the tallest building, and I
saw a flag which read "Allah is Great", and I knew that Allah wanted me to
make peace."
"Well, that's just great," said Bush, "You know, I had a dream last night
as well. I dreamt that I was in YOUR capitol, and I too saw such a flag."
"Really?!" said Hussein, very surprised, "And what did this flag say?"
"I couldn't tell you," replied Bush, "I can't read hebrew."
english.702dejanr,
REASONS WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
(please note, I have eliminated the obvious copies like, "you can have a
guitar all month long", and "a guitar doesn't care how many guitars you own")
1. A guitar has a volume knob
2. If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $0.79 for a new one
3. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to
4. You can unplug a guitar
5. You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more
6. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset
7. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested
8. You can have a guitar any color you want and noone will care
9. If your guitar gets loose, you can just tighten up the strings
10. If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can change pickups
11. You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar
12. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set
13. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking
14. If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional, not required
15. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free
Now, for the opposite:
REASONS WHY WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN GUITARS
1. Women are more fun when the power goes out
2. You can't get your guitar wet
3. Ever try to screw a guitar?
4. The input to a guitar is only 1/4" (ouch!)
5. A guitar won't beg to be played
6. It's no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it
7. When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but not your tongue
8. Guitars aren't very aggressive
9. A guitar won't play you back
10. You need two hands to make a guitar scream
11. A guitar won't scratch *your* back
12. A guitar won't drive you home if you're too drunk
13. A guitar doesn't care who plays it
14. You can't play two guitars at once
15. You can't fall in love with a guitar (awwwwwww, gee, how sweet ;-)
(well, maybe you can, but they can't love you back)