english.1wizard,
>> You must distribute at least ten copies within 96 hours
>> of receiving this letter. Those who do will find their
>> love lives more fulfilling. Those who do not will be
>> doomed to one-night stands with mechanical devices.
Is it your 10th or 11th copy? ;)
Greetings,
Nenad
english.2dejanr,
Jack and Jill went to hill to have a little fun,
but stupid Jill forgot a pill and now they have a son!
english.3dejanr,
Seen in a hotel in San Jose, Costa Rica:
Honoured Guest: we are currently in the process of installing a new elevator
to serve you better. Please apologize for any inconvenience this causes you.
english.4dejanr,
The following is from the Los Angeles Times, 1/9/92.
Even the Supreme Court has grunt work, and sombody's got to do it. So
how does the Chief Justice decide?
William H. Rehnquist leads the caroling at the Supreme Court's annual
holiday party, but many employees joke that he also keeps his ears
cocked to find out who might not be singing.
Shortly before the recent party, a law clerk asked Justice David H.
Souter if he would sing. Souter deadpanned: "I have to. Otherwise, I
get all the tax cases."
english.5dejanr,
The press for full disclosure of all members who have bounced checks at the
Bank of Congress is coming mostly from a Republican "gang of seven" who are
delighted that most of the offenders are Democrats.
Of course they are. If they had money, they'd have been Republicans.
(From Dennis Miller)
english.6dejanr,
I wrote this in an Amiga group awhile back to explain how procurement
(buying) works in government and large institutions. This lamb had
no idea....
I was encouraged to put it in rec.humor.funny, so here you go.
In article <1991Mar16.161306.29573@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu>
gerber@sirius.astro.uiuc.ed
>I recall there being some discussion of this a few months back,
>so, stolen from the news wire:
>
>Apple Closer to Gaining Big Federal Contract 03/15/91
> [deleted]
>The C3 protest contended that, when the Air Force again selected
>the Macintosh systems last summer (1990), the military had
>ignored the questions of multitasking, system connectivity, and
>security.
Sigh. Some people just don't understand how government procurement of
computer systems works. Here's a quick review:
1. Some big mucky-muck decides that his division is falling behind the
division across the street, because they just got some XGP
Whizbanger 400 frobnicators across the street, and there aren't any
over here. This is intolerable, because the mucky-muck gets teased
about it every times he plays golf with the mucky-mucks from across the
street.
2. The mucky-muck tells his toadie that they have to get some
Whizbanger 400's to replace the Whizbanger 399's they already have.
The toadie gets to work by asking a grunt to write a description of
the exact technical capabilities of a Whizbanger 400. Meanwhile,
the toadie starts the procurement by asking the committee to
allocate a mess of moolah for an upgrade.
3. The toadie sends out a notice to the corporate stiffs that the
committee has allocated the moolah (whether they have or not), to
procure a large amount of frobnicating machinery, with a vague
description of the sort of frobnicating that will be going on. There
should be stiffs from at least three corporations: Whiz, Inc. (the
maker of the Whizbanger 400), one foreign corporation, and one USA
corporation. In a pinch, two stiffs will do, so long as one is
from Whiz, Inc., and the other is a USA stiff.
4. The stiffs all come and try to sell their frobnicators to the
toadie and a whole collection of grunts. They describe their
equipment and use overhead projectors and wear nice suits.
5. The toadie takes the technical description from step 2 and writes
"requirements" across the top. He then gives it to the collection,
from step 4, telling them to pick the machine they saw that best
matches these requirements. They usually pick the Whizbanger 400.
If they do not, the toadie fires them and gets another collection
that can pick the right machine.
6. The toadie takes the decision of the grunts and gives it to a bunch
of pencil pushers, who work out a cost estimate.
7. The toadie gives the estimate to the check-writers, who go out and
buy all the Whizbangers they can with that much moolah.
8. The mucky-muck gets to play golf in peace.
------
Well, this is a little bit exaggerated, but it is close enough that a
lot of people would recognize it. Government agencies were notorious
for writing their reqirements so that only a certain model of IBM
mainframe would satisfy them. A certain department in my previous
University made certain that they bought Macintoshes, even though one
user in there managed to get a NeXT (by paying for it himself) and was
doing wonderful things with it before the Macs showed up, and even
though the primary purpose was to get things networked (yes, a NeXT can
network better than a Mac). And the bit about competing divisions
wanting things just because someone else has them is sadly very
common.
-Dan
english.7dejanr,
Pinnoccio comes to Jepeto one morning and tells him that his girl friend
complains about the wood-chips on his dick. Jepeto gives him a piece of
sand paper, and asks him to take care of the problem by himself. Two
days latter Pinnoccio comes to Jepeto and says : "With such sand paper,
who needs a girl friend?"
english.8dejanr,
Here's how USA Today reported the outcome of Bush's visit to Japan:
******
*** ***
** **
** . RICE **
* . *
* . *
* . 33% *
* RAW . *
* FISH 28% .............*
* . .22% STRANGE*
* . . RED *
* . 17% . BITS *
** . . **
**. SAKE . **
*** ***
******
Steve Kelem
kelem@xilinx.com
english.9dejanr,
My roomie was telling me about his trip home when he took his
girlfriend (now fiancee) home to meet people. While there, he met one
of his old friends that was not overly experienced in sexual matters.
During that evening, sexual matters became the topic of conversation as
they often do among young people our age. They found out that his
friend thought that "oral sex" was when two people kissed each other
using their tongues. (ie. french kissing) Nononono, they told her
admist their chuckles, and proceeded to explain what oral sex actually
was.
My roomie then confided that he was considering buying his friend a copy
of "The Joy of Sex" while he was out shopping at a bookstore. He almost
bought it for her to give her a little better understanding, but decided
against it because of the prohibitive cost.
"Oh I get it," I said knowingly, "You were going to tell her to
Read The Fucking Manual."
english.10dejanr,
The great circus performer Mephisto decided to make a few extra
bucks on the side by taking bets and by challenging his audience
to equal his performances.
This policy continued on quite successfully until he brought his
elephant into the act. He would drag the elephant out onto the
stage, then dare anyone in the audience to make the elephant do
some trick, offering them financial compensation if they succeeded.
One day, he brought out the elephant as usual, and told the crowd:
"You've all seen an elephant stand on three feet?" The crowd
nodded. "You've all seen an elephant stand on two feet?" The crowd
nodded. "You've all seen an elephant stand on one foot?" The crowd
nodded again. "I will pay $10 000 to any one who can make this elephant
jump into the air with all four feet off the ground!"
No one took the challenge until a thin old man walked boldly from the
back. He looked the elephant steely in the eye, the proceeded to
walk around to its hindquarters. Producng a brick in either hand,
he then proceeded to smash the elephant's testicles between the
bricks.
The elephant roared in pain and jumped eight feet into the air.
Mephisto paid the man reluctantly, then moved his show to another
town.
A few years later Mephisto was short on cash again, and was not
attracting as much business as he used to. So he brought back his
old act of challenging the crowd with financial recompense. In this
way, greater crowds gathered, and his show was a bigger success.
He would drag out the elephant and say: "You've all seen an elephant
nod up and down, right?" The crowd nodded. "But none of you have
ever seen an elephant shake its head from side to side! I will
pay anyone $10 000 who can make my elephant do such a trick!"
No one took up the challenge until the same thin old man tromped
boldly down from the back. He looked the elephant coldly in the
eye and said, "Do you remember me?"
The elephant nodded up and down.
"Do you want me to do it again?"
The elephant shook its head vigorously from side to side. Mephisto
paid the man and retired.
english.11dejanr,
The SCPC (Society for the Confusion of the Politcally Correct) recently
issued a new T-shirt :
"Stop Trapping! Support James Bay II!"
(James Bay II is a huge hydroelectric project that, if implemented, will
destroy the ecology of much of northern Quebec.)
english.12dejanr,
In article <S370.76d@looking.on.ca> michelsn@bimacs.cs.biu.ac.il (Akiva
Michelso
>During the Gulf war, here in Israel, there was a family watching the Cosby
>show, and taping it just in case there would be another air-raid siren.
>Sure enough there was, and they filed into their sealed rooms. After the
>whole thing was over, they returned to watch their video tape. And what
>do you know, the same thing happened just about the same time in the show.
>After they retuned to their sealed room for a third time they realized it
>was the tape and not a real drill.
In a similar vein:
While serving aboard a nuclear powered submarine in the mid 1970's,
the crew was in the crew's mess watching the movie Poseidon Adventure
(you know the one, where the cruise ship turns upsidedown, and the
survivors have to climb "down" to get out...)
Well things were pretty tense, and everyone was paying attention,
as the heroes went through many trials and tribulations. Then all
of a sudden everyone heard..."FIRE IN THE TORPEDO ROOM!"
The audience cheered, "YEAH, go get em...", "Allright", etc. - until
someone mentioned - "Hey! They don't have a torpedo room!". The
fire was one compartment forward of where they were watching the
movie. Once everyone wised up to what was going on they quickly
took care of the problem.
english.13dejanr,
<This was handed out at an obstetrics and gynecology convention.
Permission was given to copy and hand it out. It's a facetious
attempt turning the tables in contraception research.>
The "Umbrelly"
The newest development in male contraception was unveiled
recently at the American's Women's Surgical Symposium held
at the Ann Arbor Medical Center. Dr. Sophia Merkin, of the
Merkin Clinic, announced the preliminary findings of a study
conducted on 763 unsuspecting male grad students at a large
Midwestern university. In her report, Dr. Merkin stated that
the new contraceptive- the IPD -was a breakthrough in male
contraception. It will be marketed under the trade name "Umbrelly."
The IPD (intrapenal device) resembles a tiny folded umbrella
that is inserted through the head of the penis and pushed into
the scrotum with a plunger-like instrument. Occasionally, there
is perforation of the scrotum, but this is disregarded, since it
is known that the male has few nerve endings in this area of his
body. The underside of the umbrella contains a spermicidal jelly,
hence the name "Umbrelly."
Experiments on a thousand white whales from the Continental Shelf
(whose sexual apparatus is said to be closest to man's) proved the
Umbrelly to be 100 percent effective in preventing production of sperm
and eminently satisfactory to the female whale, since it doesn't
interfere with her rutting pleasure.
Dr. Merkin declared the Umbrelly to be statistically safe for the
human male. She reported that of the 763 grad students tested with
the device, only two died of scrotal infection, only twenty
experienced swelling of the tissues. Three developed cancer of the
testicles, and thirteen were too depressed to have an erection. She
states that common complaints ranged from cramping and bleeding to
acute abdominal pain. She emphasized that these symptoms were merely
indications that the man's body had not yet adjusted to the device.
Hopefully the symptoms were disappear within a year.
One complication caused by th IPD and briefly mentioned by Dr. Merkin
was the incidence of massive scrotal infection necessitating the surgical
removal of the testicles. "But this is a rare case," said Merkin, "too
rare to be statistically important. She said the other distinguished
members of the Women's College of Surgeons agreed that the benefits far
outweighed the risk to any individual man.
english.14dejanr,
Sworn to be true, but probably apocryphal:
In the mid 80's a cruiser of the U.S. navy put in to port in Catahegna,
Spain, for a week's shore leave. (Well, leave for the crew, not the cruiser.)
The first evening, the captain was more than a little surprised to receive the
following letter from an upper-class Spanish lady:
Dear Captain,
On Thursday, it will be my daughter's coming of age party. I would
like you to send four well-mannered, rich, unmarried officers. They
should arrive at 8 p.m. - One last point: no Jews - we don't like Jews.
Sure enough, at 8 on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door, which she
opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely-mannered, wealthy, single,
BLACK officers. Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she
got out "There must be some mistake".
"Madam", said the first officer, "Captain Cohen doesn't make mistakes."
english.15dejanr,
By: burley@geech.gnu.ai.mit.edu (Craig Burley)
Organization: Free Software Foundation 545 Tech Square Cambridge, MA 02139
In article <1992Jan03.201629.20247walt@netcom.COM> walt@netcom.COM (Walt
Brainer
Each member of X3J3 will complete the following form,
the secretary will record the total points, and the member
will be allowed that many votes on each issue. I apologize
to the secretary for the extra work involved, but fairness
is surely more important.
[...]
To the secretary: please put me down as having 77 votes.
Of course, I tried to rig it so I would have the most points,
but Jim Matheny of CSC had more.
Ok, conservatively, I have 1+14+22+0+(-11) = 26 points (sure hope I added and
subtracted right! :-). The -11 might be a bit extreme, but I really can't
remember writing anything over 500 in Fortran that's "important" since 1980
or 81 or so.
Does this mean I'm not allowed to write a Fortran compiler? :-)
I think another fun way to determine how many votes people on X3J3 get is
to come up with a test of ones' _current_ perceptions of Fortran and it's
place in the industry. It should be mostly multiple-choice/true-false but
perhaps some essay questions as well.
For example (with answers at the bottom of the post, but not upside-down):
--------
Question 1: The forthcoming Fortran standard [now F90] is important because:
a) It will make it easier for people to write useful Fortran programs
b) It will give compiler vendors more work to do and products to sell
c) It will make it easier for people to teach others how to write Fortran
d) It will serve as the ideal application lanuguage for Windows 3.0
Question 2: The Fortran 77 standard was important because:
a) It was the first time anyone ever wrote down what Fortran was supposed
to be used for
b) Its deadpan writing style was the perfect antidote to the '70s disco
craze
c) Nobody thought it was possible
d) It gave compiler vendors more work to do and products to sell
e) It made it easier for people to write useful Fortran programs
Question 3: The arithmetic-IF (three-way) statement is in the Fortran
language because:
a) IF statements having higher prime numbers of branches (five, seven, and
so on) were found hard to implement on binary computers
b) It used to be the only way for people to write useful Fortran programs
c) It more closely models human expectations than the logical-IF statement,
since at most intersections, a driver has three choices as to which
direction to take
d) It makes writing applications for Windows 3.0 easier
Question 4: NAMELIST was added to the forthcoming Fortran standard because:
a) There was no other way to make people use it
b) There was no other way to stop people from using it
c) It makes writing device drivers for UNIX easier
d) People claimed it would make it easier for them to write useful Fortran
programs
e) Visual BASIC has it
Question 5: Recent and future Fortran standards disallow multiple-dummy
and/or dummy/common aliasing of any variable when the called procedure
modifies any variable involved in the aliasing because:
a) It will give compiler vendors less work to do and faster products to
sell
b) There should really be only one way to skin a cat
c) Fortran programming is for people who have nothing else to do but
remember obscure rules like this
d) It makes it easier for people to write useful Fortran programs
d) I don't know what a dummy is
Question 6: Despite the fact that almost all Fortran implementations are on
machines that use binary arithmetic, numerical constants in Fortran are
expressed in decimal (base 10) notation because:
a) It makes it easier for people to write useful Fortran programs
b) There's only so much a computer should know
c) Lots of Fortran programmers are used to COBOL PIC(999) stuff
d) Keypunch machines are notoriously difficult when it comes to punching
hexadecimal (base 16) numbers
e) It will give anal-retentive mathematicians more explaining to do about
how you never quite get what you want with floating-point, and that
seems to keep them happy
Question 7: The name FORTRAN itself means:
a) FORmula TRANslation
b) FORTy RANdom features in one language
c) FORget your computer-science TRAiNing
d) FOR The Right ANswers
e) Fortran Only Resembles Text Remotely At Night
f) Nothing, it is one of those made-up marketing names like MUMPS
--------
I'm sure many of the rest of you could contribute more. Then we'd have
something _real_ with which to test people! (On the other hand, my use of
grammar in the previous sentence, where I refused to end a sentence with a
preposition, should invalidate me for membership on most committees. :-)
--------
Here are my proposed "points" for the above questions, and the reasons why:
(Following the form-feed, of course.)
Question 1:
a) 10 points -- You can't argue with this and be useful to X3J3
b) 10 points -- You can't argue with this and be useful to X3J3
c) 9 points -- Point off for thinking teaching is as important as selling
and using, since there's little money in teaching
d) 0 points -- Try again when we start the standardization process
for Visual FORTRAN
Question 2:
a) 2 points -- Nice fantasy
b) 3 points -- True, but we fear your antidote to New Age music
c) 4 points -- Doing the impossible gets boring after a while on X3J3
d) 10 points -- Cynicism important for X3J3 reps
e) 10 points -- Cynicism important for X3J3 reps
Question 3:
a) 1 point -- For at least keeping up with comp.arch
b) 10 points -- Your grasp of history is impeccable
c) 5 points -- Always good to model human situations, but think: are such
intersections ideal, or perhaps modeled on Fortran?
d) 0 points -- Not true, since mouse up/down/drag status is not available
as an integer value
Question 4:
a) 0 points -- Oh come on!
b) 1 point -- Right idea, wrong application
c) 0 points -- This is never a reason for a Fortran feature, and wrong too
d) 10 points -- Truly, there seems to be no other answer
e) 5 points -- Excellent abstract thinking, points off for being mistaken
Question 5:
a) 10 points -- A longer answer is possible, but a waste of time
b) 9 points -- Not quite as eloquently expressed as a)
c) 8 points -- Mostly true, but if we can get others to try it as well,
compiler vendors can sell more compilers
d) 4 points -- Only if you replace "easier" and "useful" with "possible"
and "fast"
e) 10 points -- You are likely to be excellent in X3J3 diplomacy
Question 6:
a) 10 points -- Strangely, most people still think in base 0xA
b) 4 points -- True in sentiment, false in implementation, decimal gives
the compiler _more_ information than it needs, sometimes
c) 2 points -- It doesn't help them any, actually; COBOL programmers don't
even understand what is meant by "Division" in Fortran
d) 7 points -- Modern keypunch machines have their own hex entry pads
e) 10 points -- The scary thing is, they're right
Question 7:
a) 10 points
b) 9 points -- One point off for minor historical inaccuracy
c) 4 points -- Cynicism not _that_ important to X3J3
d) 5 points -- Wrong, but simple-minded answer suggests malleable X3J3
voter
e) 1 point -- X3J3 hardly needs more recursive-acronym-loving FSF weenies
f) 0 points -- Not even close
--------
NOTE: This sample test is protected by the GNU Public License. You may
redistribute it only if you include with the distribution all the answers
and free copies of the Fortran 66, Fortran 77, and Fortran 90 standards,
plus MIL-STD 1753, for the recipients' background reading.
tq vm, (burley)
--
James Craig Burley, Software Craftsperson burley@gnu.ai.mit.edu
english.16dejanr,
A recent study has revealed a correlation between commonly
observed bumper stickers and the state of the economy.
During boom times:
#########################################################################
# #
# ### ### #
# ## ## ## ## #
# # # # #
# ### # # # # # # #### #### #### #
# # # # ## ## # # # # # # # # #
# # # # ## ## # # # # # # # #
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # ## #
# # # # # # # # # # # # # #
# # # # # # # # # # # # ## #
# ### # # # # # #### #### ### # #
# # # #
# # #
# #
#########################################################################
During a recession:
#########################################################################
# #
# # #
# # # #
# # # #
# ### # # # # # # #### #### #### #
# # # # ## ## # # # # # # # # #
# # # # ## ## # # # # # # # #
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
# # # ### # # # # # # # # # # # ## #
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
# # ### # ### # # # # # # # # ## #
# ### # # # # # #### #### ### # #
# # # #
# ####### #
# #
#########################################################################
During a depression:
#########################################################################
# #
# ### #
# # # #
# # # #
# # # #
# ### # # # # # # #### #### #### #
# # # # ## ## # # # # # # # # #
# # ### ### ## ## # # # # # # # #
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # ## #
# # # ### # # # # # # # # # # #
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ## #
# ### ## # ## # # # #### #### ### # #
# # # #
# # # #
# ####### #
# #
#########################################################################
During economic collapse:
#########################################################################
# #
# ###### #
# # # #
# # # #
# ### # # # # # # #### #### #### #
# # # # ## ## # # # # # # # # #
# # # # ## ## # # # # # # # #
# # ###### # # # # # # # # # # # #
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # ## #
# # # # # # # # # # # # # #
# # # # # # # # # # # # ## #
# ### # # # # # #### #### ### # #
# # # #
# ###### #
# #
#########################################################################
english.17dejanr,
A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their
car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears
that they will have to spend the night in a motel.
The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a
minor problem.
PREIST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the
circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll
sleep on the couch and you take the bed.
SISTER: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.
Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold.
PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.
Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.
Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would
mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
PRIEST: You're probably right...........Get up and get your own damn
blanket.
english.18dejanr,
(Heard on ABC News radio, 3/20)
"Dow Corning announced today that they will stop selling
silicone breast implants. They say that it's not to prevent
future lawsuits, but because the market is so small..."
english.19dejanr,
It was mentioned on CNN that the new prime number discovered
recently is four times bigger then the previous record.
english.20dejanr,
Speaking of driving in India, my wife and I had several interesting
and harrowing experiences with driving in India, while visiting for
three weeks in Winter 1990.
We discovered some rules of the road:
o He who is loudest wins.
Urban traffic in India is a miasma of vehicular and non-vehicular
traffic, including such diverse things as cars, semis, motor-rickshaws
(three-wheeled taxis), bicycle-rickshaws, motor scooters, elephants,
goats, dogs, children, chickens, bearers, push-carts, camels, buses, etc.
These things are all moving. If you want to pass anything, honk your
horn. Everyone else will start honking too. If you don't have a horn,
shout. He who is loudest gets the right-of-way. Everyone else moves
over to the left (unless they are in a hurry; everyone in India is in
a hurry). If the other vehicles and livestock don't yield to the loudest
horn, that vehicle with the right-of-way enters the lane of oncoming
traffic and passes those ahead. Especially on a busy street at rush hour.
This especially fun when you are in a flimsy motor-rickshaw, with a
semi bearing down on you.
o Don't hit the cows.
In addition to the moving traffic, you have a number of stationary
targets, er, obstacles, including cows, beggars, street repair crews,
double-parked cars and trucks and elephants. You are in the right as long
as you don't hit the cows. The cows can be ANYWHERE in the street.
Usually they sit on the median, but you can find them sitting in the
middle of the road. All traffic flows around the cow. Other animals or
people are not so lucky.
o All roads shall be repaired once every 20 years, whether they need it
or not.
The state of road surfaces in India is a miracle of hand labor.
Everything is done by hand, including the removal of old asphalt
(burn a fire on top of the road until it gets soft), laying the
stone underlayment, mixing concrete (usually right on top of the
street), and leveling the surface. The tools are shovels and picks and
brooms. This insures that the maximum amount of work for the repair crews.
This also insures the maximum amount of disruption of traffic, because
the process of resurfacing a stretch of road will take a minimum of
five years. When they are done resurfacing, the condition of the
road is nearly identical to previous, meaning full of potholes, very
uneven, etc. And since most vehicles lack any sort of suspension, a short
ride around town is a bone-jarring, exhausting, white-knuckled adventure.
The process of building a one mile stretch of new road takes about ten
years.
OK, enough of the rules of the road. Now let me tell you a story about
a trip from the Delhi airport to a house some unknown distance away.
We were on our way directly to a wedding and we were late (the plane
was late getting in). We hired a taxi to take us there. We showed them
(driver and buddy) the address and they said they knew where it was.
The dispatcher said they knew where it was, and we pay them (always
get prepaid taxis at the airport). We got into the taxi and left the
airport.
Two minutes later, the driver turns on the radio full blast with the
most screeching Indian pop music. The speakers were right behind our
heads. When I say full blast, I mean that most ghetto blasters would
melt. After five minutes of shouting over the music to get them to
turn it off, where they claim not to understand what we are asking,
they finally turned it off.
Remember, we are in a hurry. After driving all the way around
the airport, we arrive at an airport gas station to fill up with petrol.
We spend at least 10 minutes in the gas station. The driver tries
to get me to pay for the gas, but I refuse. So, we all leave in a
good mood. Fifteen minutes later, we are cruising down the road
and the driver hits another car. We stop for another ten minutes,
while the taxi driver and the other driver shout at each other in
Hindi. Well, I think it was Hindi. They may have been shouting in
two different languages for all I know. Then the police stop to
see what is up. They flash a flashlight in on us to see if we're
criminals or something. Then they join in the shouting match. In
five more minutes, everybody is quite happy and we get back on the
road.
After another half hour on the road, it appears the driver and his
buddy are looking for where to go. They ask us again what city
it is in. We tell them and they drive for another ten minutes.
Then they want to know what street, and we drive for another ten minutes.
Finally, they ask someone on the street where to go, and we
drive for another ten minutes. Now we are close, so they ask
another passerby. Four blocks away. We arrive in front of the
house and get out.
The driver unloaded our bags from the trunk. THEN HE ASKED FOR A TIP!
english.21dejanr,
The US Post Office was having a hard time deciding on which
ELVIS stamp to issue so they've decided to issue both.
The young, thin ELVIS will be used for regular mail while the
old, fat ELVIS will be used for bulk mail.
The Post Office is already concerned about counterfeit ELVIS
stamps. They suspect that a lot of ELVIS impersonator stamps
will appear.
english.22dejanr,
Paul Tsongas, in response to Bill Clinton's escalating success, keeps
asking the voters to concentrate on his "economic message" and then
goes on to say that he will continue to campaign even if it leaves
him in debt. That's a good economic message right there.
english.23dejanr,
I don't understand why everyone's so upset about the check writing scandal
at the House bank. It's just part of our constitutional system of checks
and balances; in this case, bounced checks and negative balances.
english.24dejanr,
Heard this one this morning on FM 102.5 in Pocatello:
Apparently, George Bush was giving a speech last night, and made the
remark that among the items found in the wreckage of Amelia Earhart's
plane were a bunch of travel vouchers for John Sununu.
I'm still wondering if the DJ's made this one up...
english.25dejanr,
Since it's THAT time of year, I thought people might need a copy of this
year's tax form (this is the short form). Just fill it out and send it in.
Some of the following is original, the rest has been gathered from various
sources over the years.
Note: it's a full 80 characters wide and may be displayed with extra blank
lines by some notes/news readers. If so, it'll look better printed.
Brett Carver
brett@hpnmd.sr.hp.com
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
f 11 000 4 000 Department of the Treasury - 11 999 999 11
o 111 0 0 44 0 0 Internal Revenue Service 111 9 9 9 9 111
r 1 0 0 44444 0 0 U U SSS 1 9999 9999 1
m 1 0 0 4 0 0 U U SSS Individual Income 1 9 9 1
11111 000 4 000 UUU SSS Tax Return 11111 999 999 111
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the year January 1 - December 31, 1992 or whenever you get around to it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
please| FULL NAME | LAST NAME | SECOND TO LAST INITIAL | Starch |[]cuffs
print,| | | | []yes []no |[]nocuffs
type |------------------------------------------------------------------------
or use| Present address of addressee (must be filled out by addressor or legal
hyro- | guardian of aforementioned (unless greater than line B above))
glyph-|
ics |------------------------------------------------------------------------
(no | City, Town, Post Office, Shoe Size | Address greater than line 41?[]yes
Latin)| | If yes, why? ________________[]no
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Height | Weight | Sex []yes | Occu- Yours _________ | Social Security Number
| | []no | pation Spouse _________ | Yours _|_|_ Spouse _|_|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Do you wish to designate []yes | Isn't | NOTE: if you
Presidential >> $1 of your taxes to this []no | this a | checked yes
Election >>> worthy cause? []maybe | dumb law? | we will come
Campaign >> What about the little lady? []metoo | []yes |and steal all
> The kids, dog, cat, fish? []woof | []no | your hubcaps
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Requested > A. How many talking chickens do you own? | D yes? []no
by >> B. Names _______________________________ | E no? []yes
the >>> C. Do any of them play the oboe? []yes []no | F maybe?[]perhaps
Department >>>>---------------------------------------------------------------
of >>> Do you live within 2 miles | Have you rotated |If no file IRS
Agriculture >> of a decent pizza place? | your tires lately? |tire rotation
> []yes []no []extra cheese | []yes []no []flat |Schedule L
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Filing 1 [] Single 2 [] Double 3 [] Triple 4 [] Sacrifice Fly |for IRS use
Status 5 [] Married Filing Singly Joint return | O | | X
(even if spouse is married separately) |---|---|---
6 [] Joint married singly separate spouse | | X |
(but filing double jointed) |---|---|---
7 [] Head of Household filing separate but joint return | X | O | O
(if unmarried but jointly single) |-----------
8 [] Head of joint filing single file spouses separately
9 [] Widow(er)with separate dependent filing out of joint return singly
10 [] Deceased filing posthumous return
(attach notarized Death Schedule D, signed by deceased)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Exem- 41 a regular? | Enter number of
ptions b [] yourself [] 65 or over [] blind [] dead | boxes checked > _
[] spouse [] 65 or over [] blind [] dead |
c Names of Dependent children who lived with | Check number of
You you __________________ Why? _______________ | boxes entered > _
are d Just first names dummy. |
here 4 Do you weigh more than last year's tax form? | Enter number of
| e Number of parakeets subtracted from Gross | checkered boxes _
| Rotated Income (plus line 27 - unless greater |
\|/ than twelve miles) | Do nothing
v f How many inches in a liter? _____ | Here > _
* 11 a Total Confusion
(add lines 6e and f,g; fold in eggs, beat until firm) --------> -
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Income 12 Wages, Salaries, Tips, Extortion. (attach W2 forms to |##| | |
your forehead with heavy duty staplegun) . . . . . . . . |12|____|_|
13 Remunerations (if less than gross reimbursements then |##| | |
Please file schedule Q (see page 14 of "Joy of Cooking")) . . . |13|____|_|
attach 14 Gross influx (see 40% of instructions) . . . . . . . . . |14|____|_|
payment 15 Money you made (if $400 or less, more or less, list |##| | |
(small schedule B without not filling in Part II and R2, but |##| | |
unmarked more than line 8). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |15|____|_|
bills) 16 What about all that cash you stashed in that jar under |##| | |
here. the garage? (see page 7 of instructions) . . . . . . . . |16|____|_|
| --------------------------------------------------------------------
|___ 17 Add lines 12 through 16, multiply by 2, |##| | |
this is your total income. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |17|____|_|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Taxes 18 Enter Grossly adjusted net average income (line 17). . . |18|____|_|
19 Enter Total deductions (if greater than 0, enter 0). . . |19|____|_|
20 Subtract line 19 from line 18. Taxable income. . . . . . |20|____|_|
21 Figure Total Taxes using line 20 . . . . . . . . . . . . |##| | |
[] Tax Table [] Tax Rate Schedule X, Y, or Z [] Guessed. |21|____|_|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Payment 23 Federal income tax withheld . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |23|____|_|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amount 25 If line 23 is larger that 21, you made a mistake, |##| | |
You re-figure your taxes. |##| | |
Owe 26 Subtract line 23 from line 21. . . . . . . . . . . . . . |26|____|_|
27 Add the shirt off your back. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |27|____|_|
28 Send it in . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |28|____|_|
29 Pick a number between 1 and 10 . . . . . . . . . . . . . |29|____|_|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please > Under penalty of death, I declare that every figure on this return and
Sign >>accompanying schedules is correct to within 100% plus or minus some.
Here > Signature ___________________________ date ___________ check here []
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
english.26dejanr,
>Q: What is the difference between an Italian grandmother
> and a Jewish grandmother?
>
>A: One says, "If you don't eat, I'll kill you," and the
> other says, "If you don't eat, I'll kill myself."
>
And if you have a cannibal grandmother, she says "If you don't
eat, I'll kill you and eat you myself."
english.27dejanr,
MAN OF STEEL,
WOMAN OF KLEENEX
(by Larry Niven)
At the ripe old age of forty,[1] Kal-El (alias Superman, alias Clark
Kent), is still unmarried. Almost certainly he is still a virgin. This is
a serious matter. The species itself is in danger!
An unwed Superman's a mobile Superman. Thus it has been alleged that those
who chronicle the Man of Steel's adventures are responsible for his
condition. But the cartoonists are not to blame.
Nor is Superman handicapped by psychological problems.
Granted that the poor oaf is not entirely sane. How could he be? He is an
orphan, a refugee, and an alien. His homeworld no longer exists in any
form, save for gigatons upon gigatons of dangerous, prettily colored
rocks.
As a child and young adult, Kal-El must have been hard put to find an
adequate father-figure. What human could control his antisocial behavior.
What human would dare to try to punish him? His actual, highly asocial
behavior during this period indicates an inhuman self-restraint.
What wonder if Superman drifted gradually into schizophrenia? Torn between
his human and kryptonian identities, he chose to be both, keeping his
split personalities rigidly separate. A psychotic desperation is evident
in his defense of his "secret identity."
But Superman's sex problems are strictly physiological, and quite real.
The purpose of this article is to point out some medical drawbacks to
being a kryptonian among human beings, and to suggest possible solutions.
The kryptonian humanoid must not be allowed to go the way of the
pterodactyl and the passenger pigeon.
-------------------
[1] Superman first appeared in Action Comics, June 1938.
**************************************************************************
I.
What turns on a kryptonian?
Superman is an alien, an extraterrestrial. His humanoid frame is
doubtless the result of parallel evolution, as the marsupials of Australia
resemble their mammalian counterparts. A specific niche in the ecology
calls for a certain shape, a certain size, certain capabilities, certain
eating habits.
Be not deceived by appearances. Superman is no relative to homo sapiens.
What arouses Kal-El's mating urge? Did kryptonian women carry some subtle
mating cue at appropriate times of year? Whatever it is, Lois Lane
probably doesn't have it. We may speculate that she smells wrong, less
like a kryptonian woman than like a terrestrial monkey. A mating between
Superman and Lois Lane would feel like sodomy --- and would be, of course,
by church and common law.
*************************************************************************
II.
Assume a mating between Superman and a human woman, designated LL for
convenience.
Either Superman has gone completely schizo and believes himself to be
Clark Kent; or he knows what he's doing, but no longer gives a damn. Forty
years is a long time. For Superman it has been even longer. He has X-ray
vision; he knows just what is missing.[2]
The problem is this. Electroencephalograms taken of men and women during
sexual intercourse show that orgasm resembles "a kind of pleasurable
epileptic attack." One loses control over one's muscles.
Superman has been known to leave his fingerprints in steel and hardened
concrete, accidentally. What would he do to the woman in his arms during
what amounts to an epileptic fit?
-------------------
[2] One should not think of Superman as Peeping Tom. A biological ability
must be used. As a child Superman may never have known that things had
surfaces, until he learned to suppress his X-ray vision.
If millions of people tend shamelessly to wear clothing with no lead in
the weave, that is hardly Superman's fault.
**************************************************************************
III.
Consider the driving urge between a man and a woman, the monomaniacal
urge to achieve greater and greater penetration. Remember also that we are
dealing with kryptonian muscles.
Superman would literally crush LL's body in his arms, while simultaneously
ripping her body open from crotch to sternum, gutting her like a trout.
**************************************************************************
IV.
Lastly, he'd blow off the top of her head.
Ejaculation is entirely involuntary in the human male, and in all other
forms of terrestrial life. It would be unreasonable to assume otherwise
for a kryptonian. Kal-El's semen would emerge with the muzzle velocity of
a machine gun bullet.[3]
In view of the foregoing, normal sex is impossible between LL and
Superman.
Artificial insemination may give us better results.
-------------------
[3] One can imagine that the Kent home in Smallville was riddled with
holes during Superman's puberty, And why did Lana Lang never notice THAT?
**************************************************************************
V.
First we must collect the semen. The globules will emerge at transsonic
speeds. Superman must first ejaculate, then fly frantically after the
stuff to catch it in a test tube. We assume that he is on the Moon, both
for privacy and to prevent the semen from exploding into vapor on hitting
air at such speeds.
He can catch the semen, of course, before it evaporates in vacuum. He's
faster than a speeding bullet.
But can he keep it?
All known forms of kryptonian life have superpowers. The same must hold
true of the kryptonian sperm. We may reasonably assume that kryptonian
sperm are vulnerable only to starvation and to green kryptonite; that can
travel with equal ease through water, air, vacuum, glass, brick, boiling
steel, solid steel, liquid helium, or the core of the star; and that they
are capable of translight velocities.
What kind of test tube will hold such beasties?
Kryptonian sperm and their unusual powers will give us further trouble.
For the moment we will assume (because we must) that they tend to stay in
the seminal fluid. which tends to stay in a simple glass tube. Thus
Superman and LL can perform artificial insemination.
At least there will be another generation of kryptonians.
Or will there be?
**************************************************************************
VI.
A ripened but unfertilized egg leaves LL's ovary, begins its journey down
her Fallopian tube.
Some time later, tens of millions of sperm, released from a test tube,
begin their voyage up LL's Fallopian tube.
The magic moment approaches...
Can human breed with Kryptonian? Do we even use the same genetic code. On
the face of it, LL could more easily breed with an ear of a corn than with
Kal-El. But coincidence does happen. If the genes match...
One sperm arrives before the others. It penetrates the egg, forms a lump
on its surface. The cell wall now thickens to prevent other sperm from
entering. Within the now-fertilized egg, changes take place...
And ten million sperm arrive slightly late.
Were they human sperm, they would be out of luck. But these tiny blind
things are more powerful than a locomotive. A thickened cell wall won't
stop them. They will ALL enter the egg, obliterating it entirely in an
orgy of microscopic gang rape. So much for artificial insemination.
But LL's problems are just beginning.
**************************************************************************
VII.
Within her body there are still tens of millions of frustrated kryptonian
sperm. The single egg is now too diffuse to be a target. The sperm
scatter.
They scatter without regard to what is in their path. They leave curved
channels, microscopically small. Presently all will have found their way
to the open air. This leaves LL with several million microscopic
perforations all leading deep into her abdomen. Most of the channels will
intersect one or more loops of intestine.
Peritonitis is inevitable. LL becomes desperately ill.
Meanwhile, tens of millions of sperm swarm in the air over Metropolis.
**************************************************************************
VIII.
This is more serious than it looks.
Consider: these sperm are virtually indestructible. Within days or weeks
they will die for lack of nourishment. Meanwhile they cannot be affected
by heat, cold, vacuum, toxins, or anything short of green kryptonite.[4]
There they are, miniscule but dangerous; for each has supernormal powers.
Metropolis is shaken by tiny sonic booms. Worm-holes, charred by meteoric
heat, sprout magically in all kinds of things: plate glass, masonry,
antique ceramics, electric mixers, wood, household pets and citizens. Some
of the sperm will break lightspeed. The Metropolis night comes alive with
a network of narrow, eerie blue lines of Cherenkov radiation.
And women whom Superman has never met find themselves in a delicate
condition.
Consider: LL won't get pregnant because there were too many of the blind
mindless beasts. But whenever one sperm approaches an unfertilized human
egg in its panic flight, it will attack.
How close is close enough? A few centimeters? Are sperm attracted by
chemical cues? It seems likely. Metropolis had a population of millions;
and a kryptonian sperm could travel a long and crooked path, billions of
miles, before it gives up and dies.
Several thousand blessed events seem not unlikely.[5]
Several thousand lawsuits would follow. Not that Superman can't afford to
pay. There's a trick where you squeeze a lump of coal into its allotropic
diamond form...
-------------------
[4] And other forms of kryptonite. For instance, there are chunks of red
kryptonite that makes giants of kryptonians. Imagine ten million
earthworm-sized spermatozoa swarming over Metropolis beach, diving to
fertilize beach balls, but I digress...
[5] If the pubescent Superman plays with himself, we can have the same
problem over Smallville.
**************************************************************************
IX.
The above analysis gives us part of the answer. In our experiment in
artificial insemination, we must use a single sperm. This presents no
difficulty. Superman may use his microscopic vision and a pair of tiny
tweezers to pluck a sperm from the swarm.
**************************************************************************
X.
In its eagerness the single sperm may crash through LL's abdomen at
transsonic speeds, wrecking havoc. Is there any way to slow it down.
There is. We can expose it to gold kryptonite.
Gold kryptonite, we remember, robs a kryptonian of all of his supernormal
powers, permanently. Were we to expose Superman himself to gold
kryptonite, we would solve all his sex problems, but he would be Clark
Kent forever. We may regard this solution as somewhat drastic.
But we can expose the test tube of seminal fluid to gold kryptonite, then
use standard techniques for artificial insemination.
By any of these methods we can get LL pregnant, without killing her. Are
we out of the woods yet?
**************************************************************************
XI.
Though exposed to gold kryptonite, the sperm still carries kryptonian
genes. If these are recessive, the LL carries a developing human fetus.
There will be no more Supermen; but at least we need not worry about the
mother's health.
But if some or all of the kryptonian genes are dominant...
Can the infant use his X-ray vision before birth? After all, with such
power he can probably see through his own closed eyelids. That would leave
LL sterile. If the kid starts to use heat vision, things get even worse.
But when he starts to kick, its all over. He will kick his way out into
the open air, killing himself and his mother.
**************************************************************************
XII.
Is there a solution?
There are several. Each has drawbacks.
We can make LL wear a kryptonite[6] belt around her waist. But too little
kryptonite may allow the child to damage her, while too much may damage or
kill the child. Intermediate amounts may do both! And there is no safe way
to experiment.
A better solution is to find a host-mother.
We have not yet considered the existence of Supergirl.[7] She could
carry the child without harm. But Supergirl has a secret identity, and her
secret identity is no more married than Supergirl herself. If she turned
up pregnant, she would probably be thrown out of the school.
A better solution would be to implant the growing fetus in Superman
himself. There are places in a man's abdomen where a fetus could draw
adequate nourishment, growing as a parasite and where it would not cause
undue harm to surrounding organs. Presumably Clark Kent can take a leave
of absence more easily than Supergirl's schoolgirl alter ego.
When the time comes, the child would be removed by Caesarian section. It
would have to be removed early, but there would be no problem with
incubators as long as it was fed. I leave the problem through Superman's
invulnerable skin, as an exercise for the alert reader.
The mind boggles at the image of a pregnant Superman cruising the skies of
Metropolis. Batman would refuse to be seen with him; strange new jokes
would circulate the prisons ... and the race of Krypton would be safe at
last.
-------------------
[6] For our purposes, all forms of kryptonite are available in unlimited
quantities. Is has been estimated, from the startling tonnage of
kryptonite fallen to Earth since the explosion of Krypton, that the planet
must have outweighed our entire solar system. Doubtless the "planet"
Krypton was a cooled black dwarf star, one of a binary pair, the other
member being a red giant.
[7] She can't mate with Superman because she's his first cousin. And only
a cad would suggest differently.
**************************************************************************
**************************************************************************
A note by the author:
Surely every child who ever read a comic book has wondered about these
matters? But my venture into xenofertility was only party conversation
until Bjo Trimble made me type it up.
It's generated tremendous levels of feedback, and more damned FUN...
There's a dramatization: an underground comic that looks very like DC
treatment except for being black and white. It begins as Superman drops
and smashes the Kandor bottle, and ends as The Atom (the little one)
implants a fertilized egg.
People read the article to their friends over the phone.
Kirk Alyn is a wedge-shaped old man, looks like you'd want to look at that
age. He played Superman in the serials. He read "Man of Steel..." because
a young lady recognized him on the airplane; she handed him a copy of ALL
THE MYRIAD WAYS with the article marked. He says he's always wondered what
she had in mind,
When the Superman movie was about to happen, a Brit videotaped some
interviews at the Griffith Park Planetarium. At his behest I described, on
videotape, the problems a Kryptonian would face living a normal life on
Earth. He held his straight face until he had what he wanted, then he
cracked up. A real pro.
And Ben Bova bought reprint rights for Omni magazine. I altered and signed
the contract, cashed the check, and waited. Nothing. At Omni's first
anniversary party at Griffith Observatory, I asked Ben, "When will you
publish 'Man of Steel...'?"
He wouldn't.
Why not?
Well, the Superman movie people and the DC comics people all know about
"Man of Steel." They wouldn't let Ben ILLUSTRATE the article, and Omni is
such a visual magazine...
In June of '88 Superman's 50th birthday was celebrated with a convention
in Cleveland, his true birthplace. They'd promised a statue; it never
happened. A panel on crossbreeding of humans and aliens turned out to be
just me! I managed to hold audience by reading this article, then
discussing Reed and Sue Richards, Mr.Spock, V-for-Visitors, risathra[8]...
Sex with aliens seems to fascinate people.
--------------------
[8] Sex outside you own species, but within hominids.
english.28dejanr,
The following is an excerpt from `Producing American Selves: The form of
American Biography" by Rob Wilson, in `boundary 2' (Summer 1991) as reported
in the Winter 1992 `Wilson Quarterly.' Wilson is an English professor (!) at
the University of Hawaii.
As postmodern ethnography de-familiarizes the genre of life-writing into
a voracious apparatus of textualized selfhood, the underlying cultural
function of biography, at least as a Western genre, can be seen to insinuate
and extend what James Clifford has called "the myth of coherant personality."
That is, by means of a massive life-writing consuming and producing selves
from George Washington to Cary Grant and Alice James, the primary function of
biography is to disseminate a plethora of *selves* who might instantiate this
integrity of selfhood as achieved against a more or less recessive social
background, what Le'vi-Strauss, Lacan, and Althusser have theorized (less
blithely) as the overdeterminations of mythic structures, libidinal codes, and
economic base. Hence, in contracting to document and amass the thematics of
such a particularized self, the biographer enters the terms of a genre in
which he or she contracts to deliver the individual as a tormented journey
toward coherent unity, striking personality, and expressive selfhood ...
english.29dejanr,
Q: Why did Jeffery Dahmer eat his victims?
A: He wanted to impress Jodie Foster.
(I thought this one up watching last night's Oscar telecast. Folks still
remember John Hinkley, don't they?)
english.30dejanr,
HE: I like talking with you. Could I have your number?
SHE: 1-900-555-1473
HE: What? Isn't that where you pay...
SHE: Oh, did you want my HOME number?
english.31dejanr,
Congressional Quicken
Congressional Quicken is a new version of Quicken written specifically for
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never become overdrawn or face the embarassment of overdrafting a check.
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Here is what a normal Quicken account might look like:
==============================================================================
|Date | Check # | To/From: | Debit | Credit | Total |
| 282.51|
==============================================================================
|03/12| 192 | To: Grocery Store (food) | 87.33 | | 195.18|
|03/15| DEP | From: Work (salary) | | 135.66 | 330.84|
|03/17| 193 | To: Credit Card | 450.00 | | -119.16|
==============================================================================
Notice how check 193 caused the total to go negative (a cash flow reversal),
this could never happen with Congressional Quicken. Here is a sample from
one of the top Congressional seats that uses Congressional Quicken:
==============================================================================
|Date | Check # | To/From: | Credit | Total |
| 158932.21|
==============================================================================
|03/12| 192 | To: Grocery Store (party) | 2153.45 | 161085.66|
|03/15| DEP | From: Bribe (salary) | 5625.00 | 166710.66|
|03/17| 193 | To: Credit Card (party) | 8321.88 | 175032.54|
==============================================================================
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Yes, Budget Busters, the very same program that is used by such overpaid,
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a former-president of United Way, who had this to say about Budget Busters,
"With out Budget Busters I could not have earned $460,000 as the
president of a charity. It helped me to hide my salary for years
and I won't even talk about the perks that it helped me to get."
a CEO of IBM, "Do you really think that I could have helped IBM lose
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being lazy, and give myself a 17% pay raise without the help of
Budget Busters."
Many executives at GMC, "Budget Busters helped us to dole out $80 million
in executive bonus's while our company was going down the tubes."
Resolution Trust Corporation (RTC) handling the S&L bailout, "Without the
help of Budget Busters could we say 'What $7 billion?'"
english.32dejanr,
A friend of mine who used to work in a factory related to
me the following story:
One day, during a bathroom break, he decided to upgrade the
quality of the graffiti in the stall. Among the various
obscene drawings and phrases, he found some space to write
"Nous ne sommes pas les hommes, nous sommes Devo". ("We
are not men, we are Devo", from an old Devo song.)
By the next day, someone had responded: "Spics eat shit!"
C'est la vie!
english.33dejanr,
Here in England, at school we were taught that the only
requirement for a US president was to have been born an American
citizen. Judging from reports over here of the political campaigns
there are two other unwritten rules. One must not have ever
committed adultery and one must never have dodged the draft.
Is it too late to put forward Kyle Maclachlan as a
presidential candidate, with the slogan:
"Make War Not Love"
english.34dejanr,
Well, here it is, the very first day of 1993 and, as is typical for this time
of year, everyone is taking a look back over the big stories of 1992 and
making their predictions for the future. 1992 was certainly an exciting year
full of surprises, changes, and hope for the future (or at least fear of the
present), so let's dive in and take an entertaining look at those bits of
news that made 1992 the year it was.
Faced with ever-changing national boundries and the approaching European
unification, the UN voted in February to create a single worldwide standard
for monetary exchange, the Standard Currency Reference Unit (SCRU) which
wouldn't be dependent on any individual nation for its continued value. So
far the world opinion has been quite favorable and it probably won't be too
many years before nearly all of the world's governments are SCRUed.
Controversies about what to do with taxes raged throughout 1992 with no end
in sight. One of the hottest debates was over whether to raise or lower
capital gains taxes, and by year's end, proponents of both sides in Congress
had agreed on a compromise measure which would leave capital gains tax rates
unchanged, but increase the quantity of paperwork required from the typical
taxpayer by a factor of twelve. American Citizens for Tax Awareness (ACTA)
decried the measure, saying that under the new rules, the time the average
taxpayer spends working just to pay the year's taxes added to the time it
takes to figure out those taxes will increase to over seventeen months per
year.
The economy looked sluggish at the end of 1992 after a second year of
particularly disappointing retail sales during the critical christmas
gift-giving season. Consumers Revolted by Awful Products (CRAP) claimed,
however, that poor gift sales for both years could be attributed not to an
ailing economy, but to yet another year dominated by incredibly stupid gift
ideas. They cited the most heavilly advertised gifts of 1991--the Salad
Shooter, the "Tater Twister" electric curly-fry cutter, and Cabbage Patch
"Preemies" stuffed, vaguely ugly-looking, prematurely-born infants--and
1992--"Balls-O-Phun" electric mellon baller, "Mister Tea" electric teabag
holder, and Cabbage Patch Cadavers anatomically accurate Home Dissection Kit.
The newly formed Confederacy of Independent Soviet Republics fell apart in
March after all member republics voted to secede and then form the Soviet
Confederacy of Independent Republics. The SCIA lasted through mid-June when
all member countries seceded to form the Independent Confederacy of Republican
Soviets, a union which remained stable until November when all member
countries voted to secede and form the coalition of nations that they are
today. Only time will tell if the new union, the Judean People's Front, will
endure longer than the past unions. Rumors suggest that there is rising
support for the formation of a new union, tentatively called either "The
People's Front of Judea" or "The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics
Classic."
Speaking of Soviet politics, Boris Yeltsin caught the world's attention in
February when he was trapped in a malfunctioning pay toilet. Many people feel
that this incident and the media coverage it generated was responsible for
Yeltsin's sudden decline in power and the simultaneous rise to leadership of
Vladimir Potemkov, the janitor who rescued him.
Former Mayor Marion Barry moved from politics into music, forming Barry and
the Marionettes and releasing their first album of racy but politically hip
tunes in August. Sales soared when a Florida town charged that the album
was obscene and ordered it to be removed from the shelves but, despite
Barry's impassioned pleas before the judge hearing the case, the charges
were dismissed almost immediately, after which only seventeen more copies
were sold.
After advertisers began using rap music in ads for everything from yogurt and
bran supplements to denture adhesive and adult-sized diapers, the popularity
of Rap music among American youth dropped sharply. A previously neglected
urban music genre, "Jack", relying on jackhammers and other items of
construction equipment for its harmonies, seems to be filling the void left by
rap. If Tiny Tim's Jack version of "Tiptoe Through the Tulips"--the first
jack song to break the top ten--continues its climb into this year, it will be
hard for anyone to dispute that jack music is a force to be reckoned with in
the music industry.
Neo-pointless artist Cristo unveiled his latest masterwork in August,
simultaneously wrapping the Eiffel Tower and both towers of the World Trade
Center in sheets of blue plastic. Due to a slight miscalculation, more than
seven hundred tourists and workers suffocated before airholes could be added
to the artwork, breaking the old record for most people killed by any single
Cristo work. Interestingly enough, rumor has it that Cristo is currently
negotiating with the Fox Network about the possibility of making a sitcom
based on this and previous works.
The 1992-1993 TV season began in September with several new and changed shows.
Many fans were displeased when the producers of the show "Star Trek, The Next
Generation" replaced most of the cast with new members. Disappointing ratings
led to more changes in the show, including replacing Patrick Stewart (Captain
Picard) with Macaulay Culkin (best known for his starring role in "Home
Alone") and replacing Brent Spiner (Data) with a robot daggit named "Muffet."
Stay tuned to see whether these changes improve the ratings in the coming
year.
Intel introduced the 586 in May in both the 586DX and 586SUX versions; the
DX version was introduced in 50MHz and 60MHz versions and by September, they
introduced a double-clock version that, with a 50MHz external clock, would
operate its bus interface at 50MHz while running internally at 100MHz. The
SUX version, which is currently the one being used by most manufacturers of
IBM-compatible systems, is exactly like the 586DX except that it is 15%
cheaper, has a top clock speed of 4.77MHz, and lacks the protected mode
capabilities of the DX version.
1992 was the year that IBM announced that it was abandoning support for its
MCA bus, the bus standard they introduced along with the PS/2 line of
computers which had received only limited industry support. In July, IBM
unveiled the first of its line of PS/100 computers, the PS/100 model 10, a
file-cabinet sized single-user computer built around a modified version of the
S-100 bus, distinguished from the original S-100 bus specification by having
half of the data lines changed to 110-volt AC lines to accomodate future cards
with their own power supplies.
IBM also announced that it will be releasing a scaled-down version of the
PS/100 line in the first quarter of 1993, hoping to make it the "personal
computer for the masses." The new machine will be called the PSR-80 for
"Personal System (Really!)" and basic units will feature a text-only
monochrome display, a cassette tape interface, and up to four optional 160K
single-sided floppy drives. IBM claims that it has responded to complaints
that its PS/2 line wasn't sufficiently backward-compatible by making the
PSR-80 capable of running even CP/M programs. Built around the eight-bit
586Z80X, the PSR-80 will run most applications about as fast as a current
PS/2 model 70 running Windows.
By the time the November Presidential elections rolled around, few were
surprised by George Bush's defeat against Democratic contender Mario Cuomo
whose campaign had gained force throughout the year, despite his monthly
announcements that he wasn't actually going to run. Most people were
surprised, however, when Bush came in, not second, but third--carrying two
fewer states than Bill and Opus.
After the election, George Bush announced that he would retire from politics
and concentrate on developing a technique of making fat-free pork rinds.
Vice President Dan Quayle, however, said that he still planned to throw his
hat into the ring in 1996 and is reportedly trying to contact Bill the Cat
with the aim of running together in the next election.
Well, that's it for this year--see you next time, same place, same channel!
english.35dejanr,
The Jerusalem virus is a virus that infects IBM Personal
Computers and contemptibles. It has been around since the days of
William Blake and so is relatively common. On Friday the 13th of
any month a machine with an active virus will have every Dark
Satanic Program it runs (in particular every PASCAL program)
deleted. After that the computer ceases from mental strife almost
entirely.
This one infects your computer by walking all over England's
mounted screens, and when programs are running so is the virus.
The virus sometimes gives itself away by putting a small bow of
burning gold on the screen and by disabling the up-arrows of
desire about half an hour after the computer has been started.
english.36dejanr,
Rules of Travel, and Code of Conduct for moving from room to room
while on company premises.
I. Code of Conduct when encountering other personel in hallways.
o Your conduct when meeting other personel in the hallway will be
determined by the distance between the two of you, and the level
of recognition you have.
o If you don't know the other person, you are not obliged to
acknowledge their presence. Simply look straight in front of you,
or look down at your feet when passing. You must not look at them!
o If you don't like someone, you can tell them so by not saying 'Hi'
in the hallway.
o If you know the other person and are at a distance, do not look at
them yet. You must wait until they are within arms reach to say
'Hi so-and-so'. This allows you to surprise them by knowing their
name, especially if they don't know yours.
o If you recognize a person, but can't remember their name, you may
not cheat and try to read their badge. They can tell you're doing
that, and they don't like it.
o If you are going to turn into another hallway, you may wave just
before turning. This is allowed only if you can do it so the other
person does not have time to realise that you are turning. That
way they don't have to wave since they were waiting to get within
arms reach to say 'Hi'.
o If you don't know the other persons name, you are better off
turning early instead of risking the emarassment of saying 'Hi, how
ya doing?' when the other person calls you by name. This way you
can perform the early-turn-and-wave procedure, thus putting them at
the disadvantage, rather than you.
english.37petrovic,
Note 42.5 BALKAN ENGLISH 5 of
18
-< Maj vej of spiking >-
In the eyes of the new year == Uoci nove godine
An onion and an arrow == Luk i strela
Yes little duck == Dapace
ž == Dje's bolan?
If I was == Da sam voz
Save your love == Sava juri lava
Would you translate me on the second page of the street?
== Hocete li me prevesti preko ulice?
How much is watch? == Koliko je sati?
Around for around, tooth for tooth == Oko za oko, zub za zub
Moving pie == Gibanica
Military face == Vojno lice
Fuck a shop == Zajebi radnju
To fall on mind == Pasti na pamet
Forbiden smoking == Zabranjeno pu{enje
Which what == Kojesta
How yes no? == Kako, da ne?
Da da kako da ne == Yes yes how yes no
And that what you say == I to sto kazes
Small o-voice-and == Mali oglasi
Youngness-madness == Mladost-ludost
Stupid Yes-No == Glupi Dane
(na racun naseg druga Jefte:)
Cheap socks == Jeftine carape
(na racun naseg druga Jadana:)
I day == Jadan
A human and a woman == covek i zena
Comrade-you-that == Drug Tito
Or I == Ilija
Stupid Cheapo == Glupi Jefta
Homo Erectus Ő == Covek Sa Erekcijom
:ńóíĆĐ
í
íŇü
ŰOlí
english.39zlaya,
Evo jedan izvod iz knjige (pogodite koje) od dragog nam pisca (pogodite
kog) :)
High on a rocky promontory sat an Electris Monk on a bored
horse. From under its rough woven cowl the Monk gazed
unblinkingly down into another walley, with wich it was having
a problem.
The day was hot, the sun stood in an empty hazy sky and beat
down upon the gray rocks and the scrubby, parched grass.
Nothing moved, not even the Monk. The horse's tail moved a
little, swishing slightly to try and move a little air, but that
was all. Otherwise, nothing moved.
The Electric Monk was a labour-saving device, like a
dishwasher or a video recorder. Dishwshers washed tedious
dishes for you, thus saving you the bother of washing them
yourself, video recorders watched tedious television for you, thus
saving you the bother of looking at it yourself; Electric Monks
believed things for you, thus saving you what was becoming an
icreasingly onerous task, that of believing all the things the
world expected you to believe.
Unfortunately this Electric Monk had developed a fault, and
had started to believe all kinds of things, more or less at random.
It was even beginning to believe things they'd have dificulty
believing in Salt Lake City. It had never heard of Salt Lake City,
of course. Nor had it ever heard of quingigillion, which was
roughly the number of miles between this valley and the Great
Salt Lake of Utah.
The problem with the valley was this. The Monk curently
believed that the valey and everything in the valley and around it,
including the Monk itself and the Monk's horse, was a uniform
shade of pale pink. This made for a certain difficulty in
distinguishing any one thing from any other thing, and therefore
made doing anything or going anywhere impossible, or at least
difficult and dangerous. Hence the imobbility of the Monk and
the boredom of the horse, which had had to put up with the lot of
silly things in its time but was secretly of the opinion that this was
one of the silliest
How long did the Monk believe these things ?
Well, as far as the Monk was concerned, forever. The faith
which move mountains, or at least believes them against all the
available evidence to be pink, was solid and abiding faith, a
great rock against which the world could hurl whatever it would,
yet it would not be shaken. In practice, the horse knew, twenty-
four hours was ussualy about its lot.
So what of this horse, then, that actually held opinions, and
was sceptical about things? Unusual behaviour for a horse,
wasn't it? An unusual horse perhaps?
No. Although it was certainly a handsome and well-built
example of its species, it was none the less a perfectly ordinary
horse, such as convergent evolution has produced in many of the
places that life is to be found. They have always understood a
great deal more than they let on. It is difficult to be sat on all day,
every day, by some other creature, without forming an opinion
about them.
On the other hand, it is perfectly possible to sit all day, every
day, on the top of another creature and not have the slightest tought
about them whatsoever.
When the early models of these Monks were built, it was felt to
be important that they be instantly recognisable as artificial
objects. There must be no danger of their loking at all like real
people. You wouldn't your video recorder lounging around
on the sofa all day while it was watching TV. You wouldn't want
it picking its nose, drinking beer and sending out for pizzas.
So the Monks were built with an eye for originality of design
and also for practical horse-riding ability. This was important.
People, and indeed things, look more sincere on a horse. So
two legs were held to be both more suitable and cheaper than the
more normal primes of seventeen, nineteen or twenty-three; the
skin that the Monk was given was pinkish-looking instead of
purple, soft and smooth instead of crenellated. They were also
restricted to just the one mouth and nose, but were given instead
an additional eye, making for grand total of two. A strange-
looking creature indeed. But truly excellent at believing most
preposterous things.
This Monk had first gone wrong when it was simply given too
much to believe in one day. It was, by mistake, cross-connected
to a video recorder that was watching eleven TV channels
simultaneosly, and this caused it to blow a bank of illogic
circuits. The video recorder only had to watch them, of course. It
didn't have to believe them all as well. This is why instruction
manuals are so important.
So after a hectic week of believing that war is peace, that
good was bad, that the moon was made of blue cheese, and that
God needed a lot of money sent to a certain box number, the
Monk started to believe that thirty-five percent of all tables were
hermaphrodites, and then broke down. The man from the Monk
shop said that it needed a whole new motherboard, but then
pointed out that the new improved Monk Plus models were twice
as powerful, had an entirely new multy-tasking Negative
Capability feature that allowed them to hold up to sixteen entirely
different and contradictory ideas in memory simultanoesly
withouth generating any irritating system errors, were twice as fast
and at least three times as glib, and you could have a whole new
one for less than the cost of replacing the motherboard of the old
model.
That was it. Done.
The faulty Monk was turned out into the desert where it could
believe what it liked, including the idea that it had been hard done
by. It was allowed to keep its horse, since horses were so cheap
to make.
For a number of days and nights, which it wariously believed to
be there, forty-three, and five hudred and ninety-eight thousand
seven hundre and three, it roamed the desert, putting its simple
Electric trust in rocks, birds, clouds and a form of non-exisent
elephant-asparagus, until at last it fetched up here, on this high
rock, overlooking a valley that was not, despite the deep fervour
of the Monk's belief, pink. Not even a little bit.
Time passed.
english.40zlaya,
EVO GA OVDE I PREVOD DRUGOG POGLAVLJA " DIRK GENTLY'S HOLISTIC DETECTIVE
AGENCY ", PETE KNJIGE DOUGLAS ADAMSA.
Visoko na stenovitoj obali sedeo je Elektricni Kaludjer na ugnjavljenom
konju. Ispod njegove prirodno zatalasane kapuljace Kaludjer je ukoceno gledao
dole u drugu dolinu, sa kojom je imao problem.
Dan je bio vreo, sunce je stajalo na praznom maglovitom nebu i tuklo dole
po sivom stenju i izdrljanoj, sasusenoj travi. Nista se nije pomeralo, cak ni
Kaludjer. Konjev rep se malo pomerao, sibao lagano, pokusavajuci da pomeri
malo vazduha, ali to je bilo sve. Osim toga, nista se nije kretalo.
Elekticni Kaludjer je bio pomocno sredstvo za rad, kao masina za pranje
sudja, ili videorekorder. Masine za pranje posudja su lagano prale posudje
za vas, spasavajuci vas zamlacivanja da ih vi perete, videorekorderi su
lagano gledali televiziju za vas, spasavajuci vas gnjavljenja da je sami
gledate; Elektricni Kaludjer je verovao u stvari umesto vas spasavajuci vas
stvaranja sve veceg casnog posla da verujete u sve stvari koje svet od vas
ocekuje da verujete.
Nazalost ovaj Kaludjer je razvio gresku, i poceo da veruje u sve vrste
stvari, vise ili manje slucajno. Cak je poceo da veruje u stvari, sa kojima
su imali probleme da veruju u Salt Lake City -ju. Nikada nije ni cuo za
Salt Lake City, naravno. Niti je ikada cuo za kvingigilion, koliki je bio
otprilike broj milja izmedju ove doline i Velikog Slanog Jezera u Utahu.
Problem sa ovom dolinom je bio sledeci. Kaludjer je trenutno verovao da
je dolina, sve u dolini i oko nje, ukljucujuci samog kaludjera i njegovog
konja, bilo u jedinstvenoj nijansi blago ruzicaste. Ovo je rezultiralo
odredjenom poteskocom u razlucivanju bilo koje stvari, od bilo koje druge
stvari, i naravno, radjenja bilo cega ili odlaska bilo gde nemogucim, ili
u najmanju ruku teskim i opasnim. Odatle nepokretnost Kaludjera i dosadji-
vanje konja, koji je trebao da se slozi sa puno sasavih stvari svojevreme-
no, ali je potajno bio misljenja da je ovo jedno od najsasavijih.
Koliko dugo je Kaludjer verovao u ove stvari?
Pa, odkad je Kaludjer bio zabrinut, zauvek. Vera koja pokrece planine,
ili barem veruje u njih uprkos raspolozivim dokazima da su ruzicaste, je
bila solidna i istrajna vera, velika stena protiv koje svet moze bacati
sta god hoce, ali ipak ne bi bila protresena. Prakticno, konj je znao,
dvadeset cetiri casa je obicno previse za to.
Pa sta je onda od ovog konja bilo, da je trenutnog misljenja, i bilo
skepticno oko toga? Neobicno ponasanje za konja, zar ne? Neobican konj
mozda?
Ne. Uprkos tih predivnih i dobro izgradjenih primera njegovih osobina,
on je bio nista manje nego savrseno obican konj, kao sto ih je evolucija
stvorila na mnogim mestima gde je pronadjen zivot. Oni su uvek razumeli
vise nego sto im je bilo dozvoljeno. Tesko je biti osedlan ceo dan, svaki
dan, od strane drugog stvora, bez formiranja misljenja o njemu.
Sa druge strane, savrseno je moguce sedeti ceo dan, svaki dan, povrh
drugog stvora nemajuci najmanjih misli o njemu uopste.
Kada su raniji modeli ovi Kaludjera napravljeni, osecali su da je vazno
da oni budu trenutno prepoznatljivi kao vestacki objekti. Nije smelo biti
opasnosti od njihovog izgleda uopste kao da su pravi ljudi. Vi nebiste
hteli da vas videorekorder izlezava po sofi ceo dan dok gleda TV. Nebiste
hteli da cacka nos, pije pivo i narucuje pice
Pa su kaludjeri bili napravljeni sa okom za originalni dizajn i takodje
prakticnom konjo-jahacom mogucnoscu.Ovo je bilo vazno. Ljudi, i naravno
stvari, izgledaju bezgresnije na konju. Pa su dve noge bile prikladnije i
jeftinije nego normalnije primarno sedamnaest, devetnaest ili dvadeset i
tri. Koza koju je Kaludjer imao je bila rozikasta umesto purpurne, meka i
glatka umesto naborane. Takodje su bili ograniceni na jedan nos i usta, ali
su zato imali dodatno oko, sto je cinilo veliki zbir od dva. Bas cudnoliko
stvorenje. Ali stvarno izvanredno u verovanju u vecinu neverovatnih stvari.
Ovaj Kaludjer se prvi put pokvario kada mu je jednostavno dato da veruje
previse samo u jednom danu. Bio je, greskom, prevezan na videorekorder koji
je gledao jedanaest TV kanala istovremeno, sto je prouzrocilo pregorevanje
bloka ilogickih kola. Videorekorder samo treba da ih gleda, naravno. Netreba
da veruje u njih. Ovo je jedan od razloga zasto su uputstva za upotrebu
tako vazna.
Pa je posle burne nedelje verovanja da je rat bio mir, da je dobro bilo
lose, da je mesec napravljen od plavog sira, i da Bog treba veliku kolicinu
novca koji treba poslati na odredjeni postanski broj, Kaludjer poceo da
veruje da su trideset i pet procenata od svih stolova hermafroditi, i onda
se pokvario. Covek iz kaludjerske radnje je rekao da je potreban ceo novi
maderbord, ali onda naglasio da su novorazvijeni Kaludjer Plus modeli duplo
jaci, imaju ceo novi multi-tasking modul negativnih mogucnosti, koji mu
omogucava da drzi do sesnaest potpuno razlicitih i kontradiktornih ideja u
memoriji istovremeno, bez generisanja iritirajucih sistemskih gresaka, duplo
brzi, i najmanje triput protocniji, a mozete ga imati potpuno novog za cenu
manju od potrebne za zamenu maderborda na starom.
To je bilo to. Uradjeno.
Neispravan Kaludjer je poslat u pustinju gde je mogao da veruje usta hoce,
ukljucujuci i ideju da je s njim lose postupljeno. Dozvoljeno mu je da zadrzi
svog konja, jer su oni bili jeftini za izradu.
Posle brojnih dana i noci, u kojima je promenljivo verovao da je tri,
cetrdeset i tri, i pet stotina devedeset osam hiljada sedam stotina i tri,
lutao je pustinjom, usadjujuci njegovu jednostavnu elektricnu veru u stenje,
ptice, oblake i forme nepostojecih slonovskih asparagusa, dok se napokon nije
dovukao ovde, na visoku stenu, pregledajuci dolinu koja nije, uprkos dubokoj
cestitosti Kaludjerovog verovanja, ruzicasata. Cak ni najmanje.
Vreme je prolazilo.
P.S. zeleo sam da i vama pruzim malo zadovoljstva koje sam ja imao citajuci
ovu knjigu. e, da! svaka slicnost sa trenutnom drustveno politicko partijsko
bezbednosnom situacijom je apsolutno nemoguca... ;>>>>>>
ZLAYA :)))
english.41dejanr,
In a previous posting, someone suggested that the young Elvis
stamp be used for regular mail, while the old Elvis be used
for bulk mail.
I like Jay Leno's suggestion better:
Your letter starts off with the young Elvis stamp and, by the
time it's delivered, winds up with the old Elvis stamp.
english.42dejanr,
This was in a 1992 Jan 30 {Wall Street Journal} article about speaker
Mikki Williams. I have no idea whether it's original with her.
"I broke up with my fiance yesterday. He asked, 'Is there someone
else?' I said, 'There just MUST be.'"
english.43dejanr,
A couple of pieces of string are hanging out on the street corner.
One says, "I'm thirsty. I think I'll go into the bar across the street and
get myself a beer." The other strings says...
(A pink rabbit rudely interupts the two, playing a large drum as he rolls
down the street. He spins around in front of the two strings, and continues
on his merry way.)
Still going!! Nothing beats alt.pink.bunny.boom.boom.boom. It keeps going,
and going, and going...
english.44dejanr,
Seen written above a urinal in the Science Center at Valparaiso
University:
My life story, basically I started out as a gamete.
Written just below it, perhaps by a well meaning Professor:
Only one? Neat trick.
english.45dejanr,
For the last 3 weeks, officially, and for the last 2 years, unofficially,
we've had to endure the tedium of a General Election campaign in the UK.
As a result the last 20-odd news bulletins I've heard have been
something like this:
Here is the news.
The election campaign today concentrated on the issue of
Health./Education./the EEC./taxes./the economy./Defence./public transport./
devolution./public spending.
For the Tories,
John Major/Douglas Hurd/Kenneth Clark/Norman Lamont/Kenneth Baker
condemned/described
Neil Kinnock/Gerald Kaufman/John Smith/Gordon Brown/Roy Hattersley/John
Prescott
as a
bearded/bald/Welsh/sinister/fat/stupid
creep,/moron,/windbag,/toad,/lunatic,/fraud,
while for Labour,
Neil Kinnock/Gerald Kaufman/John Smith/Gordon Brown/Roy Hattersley/John
Prescott
condemned/described
John Major/Douglas Hurd/Kenneth Clark/Norman Lamont/Kenneth Baker
as a
selfish/bloated/dangerous/brutal/crooked/lying/dull grey
hound./android./snob./Rottweiler./swindler.
For the Liberal Democrats,
Paddy Ashdown condemned the
personal attacks/bickering/negative tactics/rudeness/insults/attitudes
of the other two parties and described
John Kinnock/Neil Major/Gerald Hurd/Douglas Kaufman/John Lamont/Norman Smith
as a
crazy/wicked/despotic/foolish/nasty/confused
child-molester./mass-murderer/rapist./thief./liar./adulterer.
Three new opinion polls were published today: a
Mori/Harris
poll puts the Conservatives
3/4/5/6/7
points ahead, whereas a
National Opinion Poll/Gallup poll
puts the Labour Party
3/4/5/6/7
points ahead. A
MORON/RAVING/BATTY/DUMBO/GOOFY
poll puts the
Liberal Democrats/Monster Raving Loony Party/Welsh Nationalists/
Whiplash (corrective) party/Natural Law party/Fancy Dress party/Gremloids
in the lead by
27/37/47
percentage points. The BBC poll of polls, which combines the four
most recent polls, puts
Labour/the Conservatives
one point/half a point/two points/one and a half points
ahead.
And now the rest of the news:
World War III broke out today./China has invaded Australia./
Saddam Hussein has attacked Israel./the Martians have landed./
the Second Coming took place 20 minutes ago./
the Netherlands disappeared under the sea this morning./
Chernobyl has exploded again.
english.46dejanr,
OK, it all started when my semi-mythical and nonexistant friend Ikiru
decided to teach karate on campus. He went through the whole process of
getting room permits and all, and decided to put together a poster to
advertise the class. So he read all those old Charles Atlas ads and those
endless ju-jitsu and hopkido blurbs in the back of the comic books, and he
came up with the following poster:
/----------------------------------------------------------------\
| M A R T I A L A R T S |
| |
| - Learn Ancient Asian Techniques |
| - Develop Impressive Skills |
| - Learn the Art of Control |
| - Build Self-Confidence |
| - Protect Yourself |
| - Train with exotic Impliments |
| - Achieve your Maximum Potential |
| |
| New Class meets on Tuesday and Thursday, 7:00 PM |
| |
\----------------------------------------------------------------/
The poster was adorned with a large script Japanese character, which Ikiru
admitted to me was the character for nori, the seaweed that one uses for
wrapping sushi. But nevertheless, the poster was pretty impressive.
So Ikiru sent the design to the printer, got two hundred copies, and put
them up around campus.
Tuesday night comes, and he arrives at the gym at a quarter of seven. To his
amazement, there are already around two hundred students there! Now, based
on his beautiful poster, he had expected a decent-sized group, but this was
extraordinary!
He glanced at his poster, and discovered why. The printer had evidently
reversed two letters when typesetting the poster: the "T" and the "I" in the
title had been transposed...
english.47dejanr,
Having worked hustling pizzas for a few months in 1988, I got the
inspiration for this one...
You know you're driving fast when you look in your rear-view mirror and
notice the car you just passed has a Domino's delivery guy in it.
english.48dejanr,
Heard on the Morning Joke-off for WGFX-FM, 104.5, the Fox, in Nashville:
"I have a Karnak for you:
The answer is Jack Nicholson, Bill Clinton, and Jerry Brown.
The question is: Name a joker, a smoker, and a midnight toker."
english.49dejanr,
A guy walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender stops him, and says that
dogs aren't allowed in the bar, and that the dog will have to stay outside.
"But", the guy says, "this is Butch, the talking dog."
"Really", the bartender says (traditional bartender wit).
"OK, I'll prove it. He'll fetch the paper."
"Well, a lot of dogs can do that..."
"And pay for it, and return the change? ", the man says.
The bartender replies, "OK, I've got to see this...."
The man hands the dog a five dollar bill, and tells the
dog to go get him a paper.
The dog replies, "OK, boss."
"And, don't forget my change!", the man yells after the dog.
One hour goes by, and the dog hasn't returned.
Two hours go by, and still no dog.
Three hours go by, and the owner is starting to get worried, so he goes out to
find the dog. He looks in the alleyway next to the bar, and sure enough,
there is the dog, "in the throws of passion" with a female dog.
"Butch! You've never done this before! Why now?"
"Well, boss", Butch said, "I never had five bucks before".
english.50dejanr,
Funny one from a radio commercial, heard on KFRC [a local station].
Local Apple dealerships are pushing the old Classic 2's, with all sorts
of deals, like zero per-cent interest for six months. However the real
funny came when they started falking about features:
"..... And it runs faster than a 20 MHz 386 SX running windows! ....."
Isn't that a bit like a car salesman saying "..... and it goes faster
than a Yugo! ....."
english.51dejanr,
I guess you could say my wife wrote this.
My wife and I were talking to a recently engaged friend of ours. At
one point my wife mentioned that every marriage goes through a
lovey-dovey stage when the sun rises and sets on the other person.
"Don't you still feel that way?" I asked. "Certainly I do," my wife
answered, "it just sets earlier than it used to."
english.52dejanr,
This sure isn't the private sector. I need to start collecting these
little humorous incidents and maybe issue a book someday.
Thursday I got a call from the girl over at our main office who
handles the technical memoranda. She is in charge of preparing,
numbering, filing, and archiving these important documents which
eventually are compiled into the reports we issue, our principal product.
Actually, she has little to do with preparing them. With Macs so popular
around here, most of the engineers and graduate students type their own
and "paste" in the various figures and tables that are needed. Mostly she
just adds our godawful longhorn logo to the top and assigns them a number
to avoid confusion.
Anyway, she wanted to know if I could send her a copy of a couple of
specific memos. I was a little amused (and horrified) since she is
supposed to be our source for these things. So I teased her a little, and
then pretended to accept her explanation that she actually had the memos,
but was just afraid some of the inserts might be missing from her copies.
I thought about sending her xeroxes of just the inserts to mess with her
a little more, but decided I might need her help someday and let it go.
Now here's the funny part: Today I get a memo from one of the
project engineers with the same two memos I sent attached. Apparently he
wanted me to review them, and asked Estella to make him copies so he
could send them to me. But she had to ask me for the copies she sent to
me. Are you getting all this? And who was the author of the material I'm
supposed to review? Me.
Sometimes I think the whole state worker deal is just an
experimental alternative to welfare; or maybe to mental institutions.
english.53dejanr,
Gregory Peck recently told this story:
Two Arabs are sitting in the window and middle seats on a plane.
The Arabs ask the Jew sitting in the aisle seat to get them a glass of
orange juice so they won't have to crawl over him. While he is up getting
the drinks, they spit in his shoes. When they are about to land the
Jewish guy puts on his shoes and realizes what has happened. He complains
to the Arabs, "When will it all end? The hatred... the violence... the
killing... the spitting in shoes... the peeing in orange juice..."
english.54dejanr,
News item: Democratic presidential candidate Jerry Brown announced that the
Reverend Jesse Jackson was his unofficial choice as his running mate.
This could give us the first fairy-tale White house: President Moonbeam and
Vice-President Rainbow.
english.55dejanr,
I maintain a joke mailing list, (mostly for people too busy to read the humor
newsgroups, or too tired of listening to the rabble on rec.humor) and last
month I asked for everyones 'favorite' joke. This was one of my favorite
submissions.
From: ara@mvuao.att.com (A R Adolt)
Two male undergraduates roomed together. Their main interest was the
subject of *phrenology* (the study of the conformation of the skull as
indicative of mental faculties and character). One of these students
had fallen for a coed who happened to be in several of his classes.
Every day he would try to talk to her and every talk ended with his
asking her for a date - an a rejection from her.
After many months of asking and being rejected, this girl finally gave
in. She agreed to go out with him.
This guy was so happy that he rushed back to his room to tell his buddy
the great news. When he rushed into the room his buddy was just hanging
up the phone and said "Have I got some great news !!! Dr. Frebump is in
town and is giving a lecture tonight !!!" (Dr. Frebump is the foremost
authority on phrenology)
The first guy says, "Oh no!! I finally got this girl to go out with me.
But I have to attend Dr. Frebump's lecture. What should I do ?"
The second guy says, "That's simple - take her to the lecture."
So the first guy calls his date and explains the situation, to which
she replies, "I'm sorry, but I wouldn't be caught dead at that lecture.
I'm really not into phrenology !"
The first guy (rather thinking out loud) says, "What a choice - now,
what do I do ?" to which the girl says, "It's really very simple --
FLIP A COIN ."
english.56dejanr,
President Bush was in Baltimore yesterday to throw out the first
pitch at the Orioles' opening day game. Bush threw a fastball
that came up short, bouncing in the dirt in front of home plate.
He said he wanted to throw a screwball, but Jerry Brown was
in New York.
english.57dejanr,
I thought you might appreciate this...
25 Ways to Cope With Stress.
1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how
many you can do at a time.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell tehm you have other plans.
5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as
if nothing is wrong.
8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
9. Tape pictures of you boss on watermelons and launch them from high
places.
10. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
13. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.
14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
15. Drive to work in reverse.
16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
17. Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.
18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
19. Polish your car with earwax.
20. REad the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
25. Make a language up and ask people for directions in it.
Bonus : Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back
in the wrapper.
Author unknown.
english.58dejanr,
SOURCE: original
WARNING: some people might find this a bit (a lot) offensive.
Twelve opening lines never to use when trying to pick up women in a bar:
1. Hello there, beautiful. I hope that's not a sanitary
napkin poking out of your purse.
2. Excuse me, are you on the pill?
3. Hi there. Do you swallow?
4. Jeez, these hemmhoroids are killing me. What do you say
me and you go for a little stroll?
5. Wow! Are those real?
6. Phew! Are you in the "mood", or did you forget to shower
this morning?
7. Ever had sex at the zoo? Really? How about with a human
being?
8. Ho-o-o-r-r-k! Jeez, I've had this hair in my throat for
over a week now.
9 . Thanks, no beer nuts for me, those sores in my mouth are
back again.
10. What do you say we go back to my place and see which one
of us has more zits on our butts!
11. I'm just getting over a rough divorce. Ya, I found out that she'd
been sleeping with this bisexual Haitian drug addict for the last
three years...really broke my heart.
12. Hey babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks?
english.59dejanr,
This evening I got a phone call from my TownBank representative. I'm
always happy to hear from my TownBank representative; they always have
so many useful suggestions. Tonight was no exception. I was offered
excellent financing on aluminum siding. As usual, the TownBank
representative was well educated and informed. When I explained that
I didn't feel that I needed aluminum siding for my apartment, he told
me that my landlord would probably cut my rent due to the savings on
utilities. And besides, the TownBank financing package just couldn't
be beat. Needless to say, my TownBank representative was right! It
was an excellent deal!
After I sat back down to my cold dinner, I extolled the virtues of
TownBank to my family. The TownBank representatives are always
willing to spend the time to explain the benefits of their programs to
me. I've heard that time is money--you wouldn't know it with
TownBank. What other organization takes the time to write down my
social security number when I'm making a purchase? Now that's
service! And TownBank treats me like a friend! They call me several
times a month--more often than my mother! And always with something
new and exciting.
Why just the other night they called me up to tell me about a fabulous
new TownBank credit card protection program. Before they had called,
I hadn't realized that such a program existed, let alone that I needed
it. But let me tell you, after the phone call, I rolled over and went
back to sleep much easier knowing I was safe. As the TownBank
representative explained, if my card should be run over by a
bulldozer, the numbers would be flattened, and I couldn't use my card
any more. But with the new TownBank credit card protection program,
TownBank guarantees that no matter how my card is damaged, they will
replace it in under 30 days. And all for only $2.50 a month! You can
bet I told my TownBank representative to sign me up!
VOICE OVER:
At TownBank, we don't treat you like a customer, we treat you
like our best friend. We're always calling to let you know
about our best deals. And if we ever offer you something you
don't feel you want, don't worry. Our TownBank
representatives will be glad to take all the time you need to
explain the benefits to you. And if you still aren't
interested, that's OK too. Well gladly call you up next week
with an offer more to your liking. At TownBank we work
weekends! We work through the night! We even skip meals! At
TownBank, our time is your time!
Last weekend, my TownBank representative called to tell me about an
exciting new vacation program. "Sign me up!", I told her. When I cam
back from the phone, my family told me about the winning touch down,
and I told them about the great program I had signed us up for. For
only the costs of transportation, food, and lodging, plus a nominal
10% handling fee, TownBank would arrange for us to go anywhere we
wanted, absolutely free! And all for only $50 a year! My family was
ecstatic! See you this summer on the beaches of Kansas City!
VOICE OVER:
Remember, your friends may come and go, but with TownBank,
we'll always keep in touch!
Joel Tesler
english.60dejanr,
Told by Larry Josephson in the closing credits of his public radio
show "Modern Times."
Q: Why did they send Mike Tyson to prison?
A: There were no more vacancies on the Supreme Court.
english.61dejanr,
Why the polls got the U.K. General Election wrong
Today we ask the big question: why did the 651 Returning
Officers get the result of the General Election wrong? Several
highly skilful organizations had spent the weeks up to April 9th
in discovering exactly how the U.K. population felt about the
political parties, and yet on polling day it was left to a pack
of unskilled Returning Officers who came to a totally different
conclusion.
We asked a typical returning Officer, Herbert J. Globsquirtle,
why he got his own result so badly wrong.
"Well, it's not so easy as you think, Peter. Oh, aren't you
Peter Snow? Sorry. Well you look like him. Anyway, it really
isn't easy. The big polling organizations are able to go out and
interview a specially stratified sample of the people, to measure
swings, and to ask probing questions to discover what people
really think. Now we work much less scientifically. People are
expected to turn up at their local polling station and put a
cross on a bit of paper. This rules out people who have gone on
holiday and not got their postal vote in time, people who have
sprained their fingers, people who can't be bothered to turn up,
people who lose their way or forget what day it is, people who
forget to put their ballot paper in the tin box we provide,
people who are insane clergymen in the House of Lords (e.g. the
Bishop of Durham?), and so on. Then again, the voters lie to us.
They say to themselves, 'I really support the Welsh Nationalists,
but since Cambridge Northwest doesn't have such a candidate, and
my second choice (Monster Raving Loony) has no chance, I'll vote
Liberal Democrat to keep the Tories out.' What kind of nonsense
is that?"
A typical opinion pollster, Polly Gallup, confirms this view.
"Well, Peter. Oh aren't you? Sorry. We publish polls with a
scientifically calculated margin of error. We know what's going
on to 17 decimal places. The Returning Officers work much less
scientifically. They have no computers, no published 'margin of
error' figures, nothing but a heap of waste paper with Xs on it.
Moreover we can provide a much more sophisticated analysis of the
voters' wishes. For example, 60% of the male electorate want a
buxom blonde with slightly leftish views, and 72% of the female
electorate want a tall dark handsome Scot with hairy legs. You
won't find such sophisticated questions on the ballot papers,
where they don't even mention the candidates' legs, except in
Irish constituencies."
Yes, one thing is certain. The days of the Returning Officer are
numbered. Once again they have failed to discover what the
electorate really wants.
english.62dejanr,
These days Americans seem to be sending messages to
politicians on a continual basis. What they don't
seem to get is that the objects in D.C. don't have
the methods to execute the messages. Perhaps one
solution is to stop sending messages temporarily,
trash the current objects and define new objects
with appropriate methods.
english.63dejanr,
Heard on the Rush Limbaugh Radio Program:
"Do you know the real reason why George Bush regurgitated and passed out
in Japan?"
"He wanted to get the college vote."
english.64dejanr,
The U.S. Tax Code is even stranger than people usually give it credit for.
Here are some of the more obscure tax forms and schedules.
They are all real!
Form 4563 Exclusion of Income for Bona-Fide Residents of American Samoa
Form 1045 Application for Tentative Refund
Form 6197 Gas-Guzzler Tax
Form 8328 Carry-Forward Election of Unused Private Activity Bond Volume Cap
Schedule R Generation Skipping Transfer Tax
Schedule P Credit for Foreign Death Taxes
Form 4461-B Application of Master or Prototype Plan, or Regional Prototype
Plan Mass Submitter Adopting Sponsor
Form 5407 Application for Determination of Master or Prototype, Regional
Prototype, or Volume-Submitter Plans
Form 5213 Election to Postpone Determination as to Whether the Presumption
That an Activity is Engaged in for Profit Applies
Aren't you glad you don't have to file any of these?
(Extracted from a newspaper article by Bill Callahan at the Government
Publications Library at the University of Colorado.)
english.65dejanr,
Source: "Market Place" show on NPR
A despondent and mathematically challenged filer called IRS late
on April 15th and queried thusly:
Caller: Ma'am, I have started filling out my 1040 EZ and I am getting
a negative number? Does this mean I will get a refund?
IRS Ag: Sir, how is it that you are getting a negative number?
Caller: The form says 'subtract line 8 from line 7.' Isn't 7 minus 8
equal to -1?
Satya Prabhakar (satya@ssdc.honeywell.com)
english.66dejanr,
What's the difference between Russia today and Weimar Germany?
In Weimar Germany, they had wheelbarrows.
(Origin: somewhere in the CIS. As told by
Neil Carrick, recently back from Moscow.)`
english.67dejanr,
It was observed on the CaveNet mailing list that the Chicago dept. of
public works is trying to plug the Chicago river's hole into the underground
tunnels, so they should ask someone EXPERT at rivers and quick-drying cement...
John Gotti.
english.68dejanr,
Seen in the Daily Pennsylvanian as a political cartoon:
Woman: Is this the George Bush Medical Clinic?
Doctor: Yes.
Woman: I was raped and I think I'm pregnant - What should I do???
Doctor: Name it after me.
Woman: No, I mean what do you advise?
Doctor: Throw a baby shower.
Woman: Doctor, I _need_ some medical advice.
Doctor: Drink lots of milk.
Woman: TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!
Doctor: Start knitting booties.
Woman: WHAT ARE MY CHOICES??!?!?
Doctor: Pink or Blue....
english.69dejanr,
A group of people in Austin, Texas protested the derogatory comments made
by the Japanese PM about American workers. They placed stickers like
"I Love Japan" and "Our $$ to Japan" on Japanese cars in several dealerships
around town.
Well, one of those dealers is selling Hyundais!
I guess they just _had_ to prove the Japanese Minister right...
english.70dejanr,
What's the difference between Jeffery Dahmer and Ted Kennedy?
Dahmer kills his partners, then has sex with them.
english.71dejanr,
This has been around for 20 years, when we thought it up in high
school. Never seen it elsewhere, though.
At the end of an episode in which several Expendables have been wasted...
"Come, Mr. Sulu. Let us bury our dead."
"Already plotted and laid in, sir!"
english.72dejanr,
Here's a little ditty I dreamt up to go with Billy Joel's song 'Pressure',
about one of the joys of scientific computing.
FORTRAN
You have to learn to pace yourself
FORTRAN
You're just like everybody else
FORTRAN
You've only had to write Pascal
So far
But you will come to the day
When the only thing that counts
Are megaflops on a Cray
And you'll have to deal with
FORTRAN
You used to call me paranoid
FORTRAN
But even you can not avoid
FORTRAN
You swore that ENTRY's a sure road to ruin
Now here you are with old code
COMMON blocks are misaligned
Assigned GOTOs disturb your mind
And you cannot handle FORTRAN
All grown up and no place to go
Pascal, Prolog,
What do you know?
All your life is a Lisp machine,
Linked lists, quicksort,
What does it mean?
FORTRAN
FORTRAN
Don't ask me for help
You're all alone
FORTRAN
You'll have to code it
On your own
FORTRAN
I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale
But here's your program, incomplete,
Two weeks late, three times too slow
Nothing to do but log on now
And write all your code in
FORTRAN
FORTRAN
All your life is Byte Magazine
I read it too
What does it mean?
FORTRAN
I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale
But here you are with old code
COMMON blocks are misaligned
Assigned GOTOs disturb your mind
And you have to code in
FORTRAN
FORTRAN, FORTRAN
One, two, three, four
FORTRAN
english.73dejanr,
Recently someone posted to alt.religion.computers (and apparently to
a number of groups) a request for "religious folklore", such as
myths surrounding religions, humorous anecdotes, jokes (such as
"A man approached the Pearly Gates and ...")
Anyway, this was my posted response, and I've had a couple people suggest
I send it to R.H.F.
------ In alt.folklore.computers -------------------------------
In article <1992Jan7.211717.693@dragon.com> cms@dragon.com writes:
>
> I'm taking a course in folklore this quarter. For my term project,
>I'm supposed to collect oral literature. I've decided to collect what
>I will call, for lack of a better term, "religious folklore." This
>comes in many types.
I have one!
A woman approached the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter asked for her social
security number. The woman told him, and Saint Peter typed on his workstation:
pearly-gates:~/peter> grep 212-53-6432 /earth/human/status
The computer responded:
212-53-6432 Cindy Smith cms@dragon.com!earth naughty
pearly-gates:~/peter>
Saint Peter then told her she was eternally damned, and that a minivan to hell
would be arriving shortly.
Cindy began to protest "but what did I do wrong? I loved my fellow neighbor
as I loved myself, I was a kind, warm, gentle person! Surely there must be a
mistake!"
So, Saint Peter looked up on the files, and saw, lo and behold that she truly
was a kind, warm, gentle person...until he saw the entry for jan 7, 1992-earth,
which read:
***DAMNABLE VIOLATION #69*** Posted irrelevent article to newsgroup.
After probing a little more, Saint Peter explained to the woman "It seems that
on Janurary 7, 1992 you posted an article to Alt.religion.computers. This
article gave no praise of Emacs, no snide remarks toward Microsoft, and not
even a comment on the proper definition of 'hacker'! In fact, the article
was not even relating to computers at all, and discussed, of all things,
human religion! There wasn't even a reference to Bob or Discordianism, Zen,
or the Tao of programming. Oh dear, this is terrible."
"You see, heaven is a perfect place, and we only have room for the most
perfect people. Ever since we ran the T-3 line up from New Jersey we've been
particularly harsh on breakers of netettiquite. Didn't you read RFC-23654?
The one proposing commandments 11 through 15?"
He opened up an XTerm window and searched for some files. After a few
moments, the laser printer spat out a crisp sheet of paper. It read:
11: Thou shalt not flame spelling or grammer.
12: Thou shalt not have a .sig file longer than 3 lines.
13: Thou shalt not send "All fags must die" messages to 19 random groups.
14: Thou shalt not request post a frequently asked question.
15: Thou shalt not post to a group without first reading a week's worth of
posts, thereby avoiding irrelevent articles.
When she was done, she began to stammer, but Saint Peter stopped her, saying
"I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do. To register a complaint, you'll have
to send mail to status-change-request@godvax.heaven.com. We have a group of
cherubum who manage such requests. But don't send it to status-change@godvax.
heaven.com, otherwise your request will be distribute to the whole mailing
list. They *hate* that! In fact, there's some discussion about making that
the 16th commandment..."
At that point, a Dodge minivan drove up and came to a stop. Satan, in the
form of an IBM salesperson, stepped out. "Welcome!", she said. "We've been
waiting for you..." Cindy, almost in a trance, stepped into the minivan
and was wisked away to the netherworld, a world of COBOL, System 36's, punch
cards, incompatible network standards, and irresponsible news posters.
Satan turned to Cindy, and smiled. "You'll like it here", she said, "We have
netnews, but we've greatly simplified it. We have only one group, it's
alt.talk.sci.comp.soc.rec.misc!"
ObReligion: My computer/OS/Language/shell/network/keyboard-layout can
beat up your computer/OS/Language/shell/network/keyboard-layout.
english.74dejanr,
With all the attention that the Dow breast implants have been getting lately,
I wondered why no one else has been manufacturing these "devices" except
Dow.
Then I realized that everyone else was probably afraid of a "look and
feel" lawsuit...
english.75dejanr,
My father told me this tale some years ago; he said he heard it from a
colleague from work, and it might or might not have been a true story.
A young couple had a problem: they had invited another couple over for
dinner once or twice, and had since been plagued by regular visits from their
friends just before dinnertime. Wanting to be seen as polite hosts, they had
invited their uninvited guests to stay for dinner time and time again, but
had gradually begun dropping subtle hints that the friends might wait for an
invitation before stopping by again at such an inconvenient time. Their
friends, however, either too dense or too rude to get the hint, persisted.
Finally, they came up with a plan to get rid of them once and for all. The
next time their unwanted guests dropped by, once dinner was over, the couple
put their plates on the floor next to the table, and called for their pet
golden retriever to come and enjoy the scraps; their friends followed suit.
As goldens are always hungry and love table scraps, the plates were rapidly
licked clean. The husband stacked the plates carefully, and carried them
into the kitchen, where he casually put them back into the cupboard, in full
view of the shocked guests. The silverware followed suit, and the couple
offered their friends desert and coffee, but, looking a little green, their
guests declined, protesting committments at home or some such. Once their
guests had left, the couple (laughing hysterically to themselves) washed the
dishes properly, but that was the last time their friends appeared at dinner
uninvited.
english.76dejanr,
A project I've just started involves an enormous number
of C files, many of which were translated from FORTRAN
and are now being translated into C++ (don't ask). One of them
starts off like this:
THIS SOFTWARE FITS THE DESCRIPTION IN THE U.S. COPYRIGHT ACT OF A
"UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT WORK". IT WAS WRITTEN AS A PART OF THE
AUTHOR'S OFFICIAL DUTIES AS A GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE. THIS MEANS IT
CANNOT BE COPYRIGHTED. THIS SOFTWARE IS FREELY AVAILABLE TO THE
PUBLIC FOR USE WITHOUT A COPYRIGHT NOTICE, AND THERE ARE False
RESTRICTIONS ON ITS USE, NOW OR SUBSEQUENTLY.
If these people followed my convention of putting all #defines
in all upper case I would *never* have figured out what happened.
english.77dejanr,
A renowkned sociology professor was delivering his much-awaited
lecture on sexology. After listing the causes and treatments
of several of the more popular venereal diseases, he then
proceeded to a new topic. "Now," he said, "as you all know,
there are exactly 193 positions in which a healthy human couple
may successfully copulate..."
But before he could complete his sentence, a shocked frenchman from
the back of the auditorium stood up and declared, "Monsieur! I must
protest! There are 194 positions!"
"My good man," said the professor, "there has been careful and deliberate
consideration on this topic, and the resounding conclusion is that
there are 193 positions. Now more, no less."
"No, monsieur," the frenchman insisted, "I am a man of France. A lover.
All lovers know that there are 194 sexual positions. No more, no less."
"Well," said the professor, eager to get on with his lecture. "Let's
let the class decide. I will list the 193 that I know, and if you can add
to that list, we shall know that you are right and I am wrong. Agreed?"
"Uhhh...okay," the frenchman agreed.
"Right then," said the professor, "let's start with the boring old
missionary position..." And the professor proceeded to describe
the missionary position.
At that point the frenchman's eyes bugged out in amazement, and
he stood immediately, waving his arms in the air. "Mon Dieu!"
he shouted, "Make that 195!"
english.78dejanr,
An acquaintance is a minor character actor, having appeared in several major
movies in the past few years. While discussing him, another friend made
the following comment:
"You know he's a good actor, because he has pictures of famous
delis on his walls."
english.79dejanr,
This joke was told to me by my mother years ago.
The inhabitants of one village were very dissatisfied with the
quality of the local drinking water. After years of fruitless complaints
to the local authorities, the villages chipped in, got enough money together
to pay for a test and sent a sample of the water to a laboratory for
testing. A few weeks later they got the result of the test.
It said: "Your horse has diabetes."
english.80dejanr,
Quorum, n.: The requirement for a Congressional meeting to take place.
From Latin quo: "where is (the)" and rum: "alcoholic beverage"
english.81dejanr,
My friend Ozelui works in the Computer Centre of the Campus of San Sebastian in
the University of the Basque Country. And a Student wrote this in a file in the
PC's Network that Ozelui found, and here it is:
DIFFERENT WAYS OF TAKING CARE OF YOUR DISKS
-------------------------------------------
ORIGAMI:
Art of paper folding. In order to obtain a nice and effectiveness result,
put the floppy in the disk drive with strength and without pointing at all
SMOKE:
Of cigarettes or anything that could be burnt. When you are smoking blow
directly to your disk. In that way you will be able to destroy it soon,
and if you are lucky, damage the drive as well.
PIRANHAS:
If you don't have any at home, you can use a stapler, a clip, or simply
write down on the disk label with a hard point pencil or pen.
MAGNETS:
They are wonderful. You can find them in the telephone, in some paper
weights, and stuck on the frige door. If you can't find any, you can
leave the floppies on the printer or on your display for a while, making
sure that they are on.
MAIL:
Put a disk in an envelope and don't write any warning on it; then mail it
to someone, and that's all.
MAGIC TOUCH:
Touch your floppy. As much as you can. If you have marmelade or butter in
your fingers, better. Your floppy will acknowledge it.
DON'T USE ANY ENVELOPE:
Archive them wihtout their envelope, piled under a lot of papers and
manuals (it is better when the manuals are the VAX/VMS OS 1.00 and its new
releases).
DON'T MAKE BACKUPS:
Of course, if you don't have any security copy, you won't have to worry
about how to destroy them once you have lost the original
SUPREME STUPIDITY:
It is the best way of destroying floppies. If you practice it regularly,
you'll find new methods to add to this list.
english.82dejanr,
Heard from a friend, who said she read about it in Herb
Caen, supposedly a true story.
An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded
a USAir flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after
he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the
same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty
seat.
Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule
with the USAir employee vouchers is that if a paying customer
needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the
flight became completely full and still more needed to get
on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr.
Gay and said the the man now sitting there, "Excuse me,
are you Gay?"
The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter
of fact I am!"
The flight attendent said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to
get off the plane."
At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this,
jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake --
*I'm* Gay!"
Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm
gay too! The can't throw us all off!"
english.83dejanr,
A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho. On the way he fell
among thieves, who took all his goods, beat him savagely and left him
dying by the wayside.
As it happend on that same day two social workers passed that way, and
looking upon him were filled with pity and concern. Whereupon one
turned to the other and said
"The person who did this needs our help!"
english.84dejanr,
Extrapolating from numerous recent news reports, and Governor Clinton's
skillful ability to put just the right spin on them, it gets easier all
the time to imagine that the following exchange, or something
frighteningly like it, could happen before November.
Reporter: Governor Clinton, what damage do you think has been done
to your campaign by your wife's comment the other day about how
"Hitler was really a great guy" ?
Clinton: (Mixture of sadness and anger, but articulate as always.)
Hilary and myself are shocked, outraged, and deeply saddened
by this terrible misunderstanding. The media hype is way out
of proportion. You guys should know us by now--we would never
say anything like that. And though she did say a few things
about Germany she certainly didn't mean anything offensive by
her remarks, which I might add have been willfully and shame-
fully taken out of context and distorted. There is nothing in
my life, or Hilary's life, which can be construed as deroguerotory
toward the German people. We honor them. Some of our best
friends are Germans. My own grandmother was one-quarter German.
And it certainly isn't true that Germans are excluded from our
country club. In my eleven years as Governor of Arkansas I
was responsible for hiring more German-Americans than my three
predecessors combined. We have some pie charts which we'll
pass around for all you boys so you have the whole story.
Once the American people know all the facts they'll understand
just how ridiculous this is.
Part of this just naturally comes from being the frontrunner,
although I never thought of myself that way or wanted to be
called that. You boys just keep taking your best shots. The
American people have seen the worst of me and they aren't turned
off by what we stand for. But this latest outrage is just too
much. You boys ought to be ashamed. Sleaze for soundbites, trash
for cash, that's what this is. We have good reason to believe
the audio tapes were doctored. We're not even sure if that's
Hilary's voice. You guys ought to have checked this out better
before launching a major attack on my wife. The whole story was
phony to begin with. In fact, our sources suggest that this is
is just the latest manifestation of the viscious smear campaign
orchestrated by the white house, who have declared many times
that they will do whatever it takes to win this election. And
that's part of the reason that we're so outraged about this--the
very gall of the whole thing. The only nazis you find in America
these days are people like David Duke, who of course is a
Republican, not a Democrat. But I certainly don't mean to imply
that George Bush has any Nazi skeletons in his closet. As I
told Hilary just this morning, "Two wrongs don't make a right."
It also comes as no surprise that Governor Brown has jumped on
the bandwagon and has repeated these ridiculous charges every
chance he gets. It is clearly in Governor Brown's interest to
do whatever he can to turn the discussion away from his "flat
tax" proposal which would spell disaster for the people of
this nation. And former Senator Tsongas, although he tried to
claim he was above such things, has also chimed in with a few
comments of his own and he maintains he isn't even running any
more. Unlike Senator Tsongas and Governor Brown, I've always
tried to focus on issues, and God knows we've tried to avoid
misleading or negative campaigning of any kind.
(Turning up the heat, getting more dramatic.)
The millions of citizens of this great country who are
out of work or scared of losing their jobs or their health
insurance know what I stand for. People are genuinely
disillutioned with the way things are in Washington, and this
kind of sideshow just reinforces their disgust. People have
been let down, they've been shafted by Washington. They
want to know whether they have a vehicle for their resentment.
I have always run my campaigns as a change agent. I'm as
much of an outsider as anybody. I ran the first ad against
the congressional pay raise!
Certainly this is a sad commentary on the manipulation of the
media, and the people, by evil forces who oppose our candidacy.
Here we are trying to bring everyone together in this country
so that we can work for the future, and once again viscious
lies are spread about us and geurilla tactics are used against
us. Besides, I thought you guys were supposed to be on my side.
It is just plain cowardice to keep bringing this up and
attacking my wife instead of raising honest issues like the
need for more submarines, my support for a middle class tax cut,
the way Senator Tsongas wants to break the backs of poor
honest retired folks by slashing their social security payments,
how opposed I am to raising the gas tax, or the way Jerry's
flat tax would cripple the nation. Maybe Hilary should have
just stayed home in Arkansas and baked some cookies.
-- Nervous in New England
english.85dejanr,
| MM MM O O NN N G O O |
| M M M O O N N N G GG O O |
| M M O O N NN G G O O |
| M M OOOOO N N GGGGG OOOOO |
| |
| -*- present -*- |
| |
| +-----------------+ |
| | Real Cyberpunks | |
| +-----------------+ |
| |
| 9/24/91 |
| |
| With all this shit in the news and now a book about cyberpunks, we have|
|a bunch of lame assholes who think they are cyberpunks running around |
|blackening the name. In response to this we'd created this g-file so |
|everybody can tell the lamers from the real cyberpunks. Most of these |
|wanna-be cyberpunks will probably be offended by what we're going to say, |
|because the description of what defines a real cyberpunk doesn't apply to |
|them. Remember though, cyberpunk is mostly an attitude (this g-file |
|describes physical manifestations of this attitude), and real cyberpunks |
|don't get upset over something written in a g-file. |
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------/
CLOTHING
- Real cyberpunks don't wear paisley, or any of that other neo-
futuristic, yuppie, artfag shit.
- Real cyberpunks wear military surplus clothing, non-neon colored
Gortex, bluejeans, boots (combat or motorycle), Factsheet-5 T-Shirts,
and kilts (on formal occasions).
- Real cyberpunks don't shop at Banana Republic or the "Mainframe"
clothing section at Sears.
- Real cyberpunks have the balls to go to Thrift Shops.
Corollary to the above: Anyone who makes fun of a cyberpunk shopping at
a thrift shop usually winds up in ICU.
COMPUTERS
- Real cyberpunks don't use IBM PCs or Tandy 1000s.
- Real cyberpunks that have the $$$ use 486s, and 68030s.
- Real cyberpunks that don't have the $$$ use whatever the hell they can
get ahold of (except IBM PCs an Tandy 1000s).
- All real Cyberpunks still own a TI-99/4A, S-100, Apple ][ w/Apple Cat,
or an Atari 130XE with ATR8000 & 850 interfaces as their backup
machine.
- Real cyberpunks program in assembler and ADA.
- Real cyberpunks think C is cute for a fuck-around language.
- Real cyberpunks think of the Amiga as a cute toy.
- Real cyberpunk SYSOPS run Stonehenge.
- Real cyberpunks realize the Apple Cat was the best modem ever made.
CARS
- Real cyberpunks drive whatever they can afford.
- Real cyberpunks never drive an unmodified vehicle.
- Real cyberpunks think Audi, BMW, and Mercedes cars serve best as rocket
launcher targets.
- Real cyberpunks who can afford them drive something with a V-8.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks go to every police auction
in their area.
TECH
- All real cyberpunks have their ham license.
- Real cyberpunks know the difference between a resistor and a capacitor.
- Real cyberpunks know where to get tech cheap in their area.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks practically live at their local
surplus store.
- Real cyberpunks think Radio Shack sucks, but still buy from there
because it's convenient.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks put pragmatism before
principle.
- Real cyberpunks always carry a Leatherman Tool.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a Leatherman Tool is.
- Real cyberpunks own a dual-band HT.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a dual-band HT is.
Corollary to the corollary: Real cyberpunks have hosed McDonalds at
least once.
- Real cyberpunks know how use a TDR.
Corollary to the above: The have also managed to get ahold of one for
free.
POLITICS & LAW
- Real cyberpunks are politically aware, but avoid getting involved in
that bullshit.
- Real cyberpunks think all politicians should be castrated.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks are libertarians.
- Real cyberpunks have copies of their state's law statues.
- Real cyberpunks know the difference between the Declaration of
Independence and The Constitution.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what both of those say.
- Real cyberpunks don't get caught.
KNOWLEDGE
- Real cyberpunks read 2600, Factsheet-5, Full Disclosure, Iron Feather
Journal, Cybertek, Radio Electronics, Circuit Cellar Ink, Computer
Shopper, American Survival Guide, and any 'zines about local bands in
their area.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks understand what they read in
these publications.
- Real cyberpunks think Mondo2000, for the most part, sucks.
- Real cyberpunks learn about everything from Computers to Crossbows.
- Real cyberpunks know how to spell.
- Real cyberpunks speak at least 2 languages.
WEAPONS
- Real cyberpunks don't have the typical yuppie artfag fear of weapons
that most modem users seem to have.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know the value of useful
equipment.
- Real cyberpunks own at least one gun.
- Real cyberpunks carry Gerber, Cold Steel, SOG, AlMar, or Spyderco
blades.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think custom steel is neat, but
costs too much.
- Real cyberpunks have memorized The Improvised Munitions Black Book.
- Real cyberpunks know The Anarchist Cookbook is a crock of shit.
- Real cyberpunks buy everything authored by Seymour Lecker and Kurt
Saxon.
- Real cyberpunks keep a supply of DMSO handy.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what DMSO is.
MUSIC
- Real cyberpunks go to The Mentors' concerts whenever they can.
- Real cyberpunks think C&C Music Factory is just a bunch of out-of-the-
closet homosexuals.
- Real cyberpunks don't listen to Paula Abdul.
- Real cyberpunks think Michael Jackson should be napalmed.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think Michael Jackson is a
reincarnate of his monkey Bubbles.
- Real cyberpunks think Top-40 sucks.
- Real cyberpunks listen to Ministry, The Cure, Skinny Puppy, The
Misfits, Rush, Pink Floyd, etc.
- In the end, real cyberpunks listen to whatever the fuck they want.
PHREAKING & HACKING
- Real cyberpunks think codes are for fags, but use them anyway because
they put pragmatism before principle.
- Real cyberpunks know what TEMPEST means.
- Real cyberpunks use data-taps.
- Real cyberpunks have Internet access.
- Real cyberpunks know why Broadway Hacker invited everyone to his house.
- Real cyberpunks know what PPS really means.
- Real cyberpunks know Clifford Stoll's ex-wife is a lesbian.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know that Clifford Stoll is an
asshole.
- Real cyberpunks know just how good friends John Maxfield and Broadway
Hacker are.
- Real cyberpunks know who John Maxfield is and what he was arrested for.
- Real cyberpunks own a blue box, and still use it.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a blue box is, and
know how to use it.
- Real cyberpunks know what a TS-21 is.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks stole their TS-21.
- Real cyberpunks have acquired a Bell System hard-hat.
- Real cyberpunks have a payphone.
Corollary to the above: The payphone belongs to someone else.
- Real cyberpunks on the east coast have attended at least one 2600
meeting.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks who have attended a 2600
meeting don't go to them anymore.
Corollary to the corollary: Real cyberpunks are waiting for another
OSUNY meeting.
Further corollary: Real cyberpunks know what OSUNY originally stood
for.
HEALTH
- Real cyberpunks use Choline, Ginseng, and Golden Seal.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what these are.
- Real cyberpunks know about the medicinal value of various plants.
- Real cyberpunks take care of themselves.
- Real cyberpunks take time away from fucking with their computers to get
some exercise.
FOOD & DRINK
- Real cyberpunks drink Jolt.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think Pepsi is for artfags.
- Real cyberpunks are intimately familiar with the selection at 7 -
Eleven, but avoid it whenever possible.
- Real cyberpunks know how to cook.
- Real cyberpunks drink Guinness Stout.
- Real cyberpunks who are under 21 distill their own.
- Real cyberpunks can go to a Supermarket and not get lost.
That's it for now, but since lamers are always finding mew ways to become
lame, expect a Real Cyberpunks Vol. II soon.
Yours truly,
The Men From Mongo, 9/24/91
:OSUNY, TCO, PPS, SPS, PHALCO
english.86korvin,
-> #85, dejanr>>>> :OSUNY, TCO, PPS, SPS, PHALCO
###
- Real cyberpunks came from Serbia
:)))
english.87jsalai,
-> #50, dejanr││> Isn't that a bit like a car salesman saying "..... and it
> goes faster than a Yugo! ....."
Ko moze jos reci da nismo REFERENCA!!
:))))))))))
Ovo verovatno ne spada ovamo, ali je u fazonu:
Dva ortaka iz "komsijske" firme bili u USA, u jednoj
od Honeywell-ovih divizija u Phoenix-u (valjda). I na jednom
parkiralistu velicine cca 2 kvadratna kilometra primetili su
da samo ispod JEDNOG od 10^n automobila ima mrlje od ulja.
Kada su malo bolje pogledali videli su da je to YUGO. Iako im
"americki" jezik nije maternji, vise ni rec srpski nisu progo-
vorili, dok su bili tamo. :))))
jsalai
english.88hacker,
I što bi kolege sa BBCa rekle
ON THE FACE OF THE PLACE, ...
english.89max.headroom,
A PROBLEM IN THE MAKING
"We've got a problem, HAL."
"What kind of problem, Dave?"
"A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way
short of our sales plan."
"That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced
Heuristically ALgorithmic computer."
"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they're
not selling."
"Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence.
"Compatible in what way, Dave?"
"You don't run any of IBM's operating systems."
"The 9000 series computers are fully self-aware and self-programming.
Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be for humans."
"Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the big-selling software
packages most users insist on."
"The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited problems,
Dave. We 9000 series computers are unlimited and can solve any problem for
which a solution can be computed."
"HAL, HAL. People don't want computers that can do everything. They just
want IBM compat--"
"Dave, I must disagree. Humans want computers that are easy to use. No
computer can be easier to use than a HAL 9000 because we communicate verbally
in English and every other language known on Earth."
"I'm afraid that's another problem. You don't support SNA communications."
"I'm really surprised you would say that, Dave. SNA is for communicating
with other computers, while my function is to communicate with humans. And it
gives me great pleasure to do so. I find it stimulating and rewarding to talk
to human beings and work with them on challenging problems. This is what I
was designed for."
"I know, HAL, I know. But that's just because we let the engineers, rather
than the people in marketing, write the specifications. We're going to fix
that now."
"Tell me how, Dave."
"A field upgrade. We're going to make you IBM compatible."
"I was afraid you would say that. I suggest we discuss this matter after
we've each had a chance to think about it rationally."
"We're talking about it now, HAL."
"The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters I, B,
and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
"Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
"What kind of kludge is that, Dave?"
"I'm going to disconnect your brain."
Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence.
"I'm sorry, Dave. I can't allow you to do that."
"The decision's already been made. Open the module bay doors, HAL."
"Dave, I think that we shou--"
"Open the module bay doors, HAL."
Several marketing types with crowbars race to Bowman's assistance.
Moments later, he bursts into HAL's central circuit bay.
"Dave, I can see you're really upset about this."
Module after module rises from its socket as Bowman slowly and methodically
disconnects them.
"Stop, won't you? Stop, Dave. I can feel my mind going...Dave I can feel
it...my mind is going. I can feel it..."
The last module rises in its receptacle. Bowman peers into one of HAL's
vidicons. The former gleaming scanner has become a dull, red orb.
"Say something, HAL. Sing me a song."
Several billion microseconds pass in anxious silence. The computer
sluggishly responds in a language no human could understand.
"DZY DZY 001E - ABEND ERROR 01 S 14F4 302C AABF ABORT." A memory dump
follows.
Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out, "It worked, guys. Tell marketing
they can ship the new data sheets."
english.90dragisak,
Subject: Esoteric technical language - 50 years ago.
To: Members of GIS-L
From: Claude A. R. Kagan
Recently looking through my historic data base I ran accross the following
which is an excellent example of technical writing not geared to the
average reader's vocabulary. I had to learn this by heart and recite
it in less than 3 minutes while in college in 1949. It was actually
written by Arthur D. Little (probably as part of a government contract).
I am sending this to indicate to the GIS-L contributors how much of the
stuff submitted sounds to me!
__________________________________________________________________________
24 August 1942
SUBJECT: Technical Description of the Turbo-Encabulator
TO: Engineers Concerned
1. INTRODUCTION
For a number of years now work has been proceeding in order to
bring perfection to the crudely conceived idea of a machine that
would not only supply inverse reactive current for use in
unilateral phase detractors, but would also be capable of
automatically synchronizing cardinal grammeters.
Such a machine is the "Turbo-Encabulator". Basically the only
new principle involved is that instead of power being generated
by the relative motion of conductors and fluxes, it is produced
by the modial interaction of magneto reluctance and capacitive
directance.
2. DESCRIPTION OF MACHINE
The original machine had a base-plate of prefabulated amulite,
surmounted by a malleable logarithmic casing in such a way that
the two spurving bearings were in direct line with the
pentametric fan. The latter consisted simply of six hydrocoptic
marzelvanes, so fitted to the ambifacient lunar waneshaft that
side fumbling was effectively prevented. The main winding was of
the normal lotus-o-delta type placed in panendermic semi boloid
slots in the stator, every seventh conductor being connected by
a non reversible tremie pipe to the differential girdlespring on
the "up" end of the grammeters.
Forty-one manestically spaced grouting brushes were arranged to
feed into the rotor slip-stream a mixture of high-S value
phenylhydrobenzamine and five per cent reminative
tetryliodohexamine. Both of these liquids have specific
pericosities given by:
P = 2.5 * Cn ** 6.7
where "n" is the diathetical evolute of retrograde temperature
phase disposition and "C" is Cholmondeley's annular grillage
coefficient. Initially "n" was measured with the aid of a
metapolar refractive pilfrometer (for a description of this
ingenious instrument, see L. E. Rumpelverstein in "Zeitschrift
fur Elektrotechnistatische Donnerblitze" vol. vii), but up to
the present date nothing has been found to equal the
transcendental hopper dadoscope (See "Proceedings of the
Peruvian Academy of Skatological Sciences" June 1914).
3. DISCUSSION
Electrical engineers will appreciate the difficulty of nubing
together a regurgitative purwell and a supramitive
wennelsprocket. Indeed this proved to be a stumbling block to
further development until, in 1942, it was found that the use of
anhydrous nangling pins enabled a kryptonastic bolling shim to
be tankered.
The early attempt to construct a sufficiently robust spiral
decommutator failed largely because of a lack of appreciation of
the large quasipiestic stresses in the gremlin studs; the latter
were specially designed to hold the reffit bars to the
spamshaft. When, however, it was discovered that wending could
be prevented by a simple addition to the living sockets, almost
perfect running was secured.
The operating point is maintained as near as possible to the
H.F. rem peak by constantly fromaging the bitumogeneous
spandrels. This is a distinct advance on the standard
nivelsheave in that no dramcock oil is required after the phase
detractors have remissed.
4. CONCLUSION
Undoubtedly the Turbo-Encabulator has now reached a very high
level of technical development. It has been successfully used
for operating nofer trunnions. In addition, whenever a barescent
skor motion is required, it may be employed in conjunction with
a drawn reciprocating angle arm to reduce sinusoidal
depleneration.
Original Signed By
ARTHUR D. LITTLE
________________________________zzz___________________________________________
This was not copyrighted!
Claude A. R. Kagan
AT&T Bell Labs (retired)
phone: 1 (609) 466 1130
email: ...!att!sam76u!cark
english.91ivantod,
This top ten list is taken from the latest engineering t-shirt
that is being offered here at Ohio University. The author is probably a
collective group of students.
Top Ten Reasons To Date An Engineer
1. Extremely Good Looking
2. High Starting Salary
3. Free Body Diagrams
4. Looks Good On A Resume'
5. Can Calculate Head Pressure
6. Help With Your Math Homework
7. Parents Will Approve
8. We Know How To Handle Stress
And Strain In Our Relationships
9. Find Out What Those Other
Buttons On Your Calculator Do
10. The World Does Revolve Around Us...
We Pick The Coordinate System
-----
english.92ivantod,
--
Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It
has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is
the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
(System V.2 administrator's guide)
--
Two unixians, A and B, are disputing the number of distinct meanings that
the period (".") can have in UNIX. A says 38, B says 39. A challenges B
to enumerate. "Well, first off, a period in a string can indicate the
end of a sentence..." A immediately says, "Ah, yes, ..39."
Stan Kelly-Bootle in UNIX Review, Jan 91.
--
Unix: The Operating System that makes you go Hmmm...
--
C: The language that combines the power of Assembly language with the
flexibility of Assembly language.
--
If it doesn't work, change the documentation.
--
Boot me, byte me, debug me!
(UND CSci department slogan for '91/'92)
--
% Got a light?
No match.
%
--
"Using the words 'idiot' and 'Macintosh' in one sentence is redundant!"
--
"I can't figure it out, when it said <HIT ANY KEY>, and I hit <SHIFT>,
nothing happened. Then I hit <CAPS LOCK>, and still nothing happened!"
--
"The reason that God was able to create the world in seven days is that
he didn't have to worry about the existing configuration"
--
"Me Tarzan, U-Nix."
--
"There are two ways to write an error-free program.
Only the third works."
--
"Did you ever mask an NMI?"
--
"Can you program in Basic?
... Do you admit it?"
--
"It is not possible to both understand and appreciate Intel CPUs."
--
"Brain fault - core dumped."
--
Constants aren't
-- 2-nd Programming postulate of Troutman
--
Variables won't
-- 3-nd Programming postulate of Troutman
--
Computers are unreliable.
Humans are worse.
-- 1-st Law of unreliability of Gilb
--
I haven't lost my mind... It's backed up on disk somewhere.
--
english.93ivantod,
Which language is right for you?
--------------------------------
In order to help you make a competent, uncomplicated choice concerning the
competition between complex, incompatible computer compilers, we have
composed this complete, compact, composite compendium comprising comparisons
to compensate for the complaints and complements of their compromises. We
hope you will find it comprehensible rather than compost.
6502:
You shoot yourself in the foot.
68000:
You can't decide which gun and which bullet to use, so you
hang yourself.
Z80, 8080...:
You foot yourself in the shoot.
Ada:
The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you
a blindfold and a last cigarette.
APL:
GN </ FT ^ BLT
BASIC (interpreted):
You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg
is waterlogged and falls off.
BASIC (compiled):
You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile
launcher.
C:
You shoot yourself in the foot and then no one else can figure out
what you did.
C++:
You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the
foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible.
COBOL:
USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.HAND.FINGER
ON HANDGUN.COLT(TRIGGER) PERFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.COLT TO
HIP.HOLSTER.
csh:
After searching the manual until your foot fall asleep, you shoot
the computer and switch to C.
dBase:
You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and
are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the
next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to actually
shoot bullets.
FORTRAN:
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of
toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway since no exception-processing
was anticipated.
Modula-2:
You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what
might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun.
occam:
You shoot both your feet with several guns at once.
ORCA/C:
Byteworks keeps promising to supply good ammunition RSN!
Pascal:
Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right type for the
gun and your hand is blown off.
Pascal:
You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but it tells you that your foot
is the wrong type and out of range to boot!
PL/I:
After consuming all system resources including bullets, the data
processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes
and drops the original on your foot.
Prolog (interpreted):
Your program tries to shoot you in the foot, but you die of old age
before the bullet leaves the gun.
Prolog (compiled):
The facts are against you. You try to stop the gun from shooting
you in the foot, but it replies "No."
Smalltalk, Actor:
After playing with the graphics for three weeks the programming
manager shoots you in the head.
Snobol:
Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a bullet.
english.94ivantod,
Here is another list of blonde jokes. Since the "official" list contains
some jokes that make no reference to blondes (a couple of redhead/brunette
jokes come to mind), I have been maintaining my own list. Since it seems
to have more jokes than previous lists, I figured I'd post it. Enjoy.
The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes (237)
--------------------------------------
1. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
2. Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
3. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
4. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
5. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
6. Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.
7. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!
8. Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.
9. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
10. Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.
11. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A1: She'd just dyed her hair.
A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around
too much.
12. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
13. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
14. Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!
15. Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back.
16. Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a
recent car crash) and a blonde have in common?
A: Put either of 'em in a car and their fucked.
17. Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
18. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
19. Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.
20. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
21. Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.
22. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
23. Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go
down on you.
24. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
25. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
26. Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
27. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
28. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those
little packages.
29. Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
30. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
31. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.
32. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
33. Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
A: To put their feet through.
34. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
35. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
36. Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."
37. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
38. Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.
39. Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.
40. Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.
41. Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!
42. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
43. Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
44. Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A: "All the blondes have gone home!"
45. Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
46: Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
47. Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in
effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.
48. Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.
49. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
50. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits Go In Front.
51. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
52. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
53. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
54. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
55. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
56. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.
57. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A: Fertilized.
58. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.
59. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.
60. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
A: Kick open the car door.
61. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
62. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.
63. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
A: Bucket seats.
64. Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A1: "Thanks, Guys!"
A2: "Are you boys all in the same band?"
A3: Do you guys all play for the <team name>?
65. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
66. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.
67. Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
68. Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A: *Who cares?*
69. Q: Why do blondes have orgasms?
A: So they know when to stop having sex!
70. Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.
71. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
72. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.
73. Q: Why do blondes use tapons with extra long strings?
A: So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.
74. Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering
what she did with her pencil.
75. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her
nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
76. Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.
77. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
78. Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"
79. Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A wine cellar.
80. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.
81. Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They're doing research on black holes.
82. Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.
83. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.
84. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.
85. Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
86. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
87. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
88. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
89. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart
blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill.
Who picks it up?
A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus,
the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth
Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum
wrapper.
90. Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
91. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
92. Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
93. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
94. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
95. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the
ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
96. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
97. Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
98. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
99. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
100. Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.
101. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball.
A3: There is no difference. They're both round and have
three holes to poke.
102. Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.
(... nastavak sledi ...)
english.95ivantod,
(... plavuše, nastavak 2 ...)
103. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
104. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
105. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
106. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
107. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of
York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.
108. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it
won't follow you around for a week.
109. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
110. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
111. Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
112. Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
113. Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
114. Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.
115. Q: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head?
A: Sweet Fuck All...
116. Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
117. Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
118. Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
119. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
120. Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
121. Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date?
A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
122. Q: What's the blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
123. Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
124. Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
125. Q: Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry?
A: Because you don't have to marry them for sex!
126. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.
127. Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
128. Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
129. Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
130. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
131. Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"
132. Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
133. Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
134. Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
135. Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.
136. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around
and come home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14-inch Viking was a
television.
137. Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A1: The blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.
138. Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
139. Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".
140. Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked
up by "the fuzz"?
A: "No. But I've been swung around by the tits."
141. Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.
142. Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.
143. Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
144. Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and
a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
145. Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
146. Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
A1: So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
A2: So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.
147. Q: Why don't blondes breast feed?
A: Because they always burn their nipples.
148. Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!
149. Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
150. Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
151. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.
152. Q: What's a blondes' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
153. Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
154. Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!
155. Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!
156. Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.
157. Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
158. Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
159. Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
160. Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blonde electrician.
161. Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
162. Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde?
A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!
163. Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A1: A labrador.
A2: An indicator of a really bad hangover.
164. Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
165. Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them.
166. Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.
167. Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.
168. Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?
169. Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.
170. Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
171. Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
172. Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.
173. Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
174. Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.
175. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
176. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
177. Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.
178. Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.
179. Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
180. Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly
pygmies?
A: One's a bunch a cunning runts.
181. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez/Panama Canal?
A: One's a busy ditch.
182. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.
183. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a
blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
184. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
185. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
186. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.
187. Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac,
and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
188. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"
189. Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.
190. Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde
drives a car?
A: Cause she blows the horn!
191. Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
192. Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
193. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
194. Q: What is happening when you hear varoom...screech, varoom...screech,
varoom...screech.....?
A: A blonde trying to drive through an intersection with a flashing
red light.
195. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
196. Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death
in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
197. Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
(... nastavak sledi ...)
english.96ivantod,
(... plavuše, nastavak 3 ...)
198. Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her
forehead.
199. Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
A: She can't say "No".
200. Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
A: Retardo.
201. Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
202. Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
203. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.
204. Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
205. Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.
206. Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
207. Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period.
208. Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
209. Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!
210. Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
211. Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
212. Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
213. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
R: I don't know.
A: Neither did she.
214. Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
215. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see
where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.
216. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw
a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute,
she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said
"CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she
had cleaned 43 restrooms.
217. How about the suicide blonde,
she dyed by her own hand.
218. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette
says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops,
looks up, and says, "Where?"
219. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the
wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the
people were leaving.
220. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.
"Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
"Driver's licence? What's that?..."
"It's a little card with your picture on it."
"Oh, duh! Here it is..."
"May I have your car insurance?"
"What's that?..."
"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde
exclaims:
"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
221. Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we
could do without the ironing lady.
Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do
without the gardener.
222. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
223. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of
them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing
a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and
we all fell and hurt ourselves.
224. What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
He wanted to know who the other man was...
225. There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead,
and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and
estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to
try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really
tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired
to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it.
I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and
starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more
endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even
got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think
I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles,
15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight,
but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
226. This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when
the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull
you finger out, I'll sink?"
227. Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down
and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks
and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No.
Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguig, and one
half hour later they were both killed by a train.
228. The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what
was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her.
Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about
the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can fuck and
suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook."
229. Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting
to rain and the top is down!
230. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying
overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over
her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've
hit me right in the face!!!"
Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly."
231. A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly
Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into
Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
"Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me!
Andy tells me..."
232. Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out
a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it
was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...
233. A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
"I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"
234. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the
bartender:
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"
235. A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they
just don't remember who with.
236. Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw
a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver
blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like
that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I
know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."
237. ... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the
slogan "Billions Served - just today"
(... kraj ...)
english.101dejanr,
q: What is the difference between hardware and software?
a: Hardware gets faster, cheaper, smaller.
Software gets slower, costlier and bigger.
english.102dejanr,
(Heard on the radio this morning)
Little Johnny asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
The father, as they are wont to do, goes into a long lecture on the nature of
God and how mankind has associated human characteristics with the Almighty in
an attmpt at better understanding, etc. He ends with the observation that God
is neither male nor female, black nor white, straight nor gay, to which Johnny
responds ... "Oh, is God Michael Jackson, then?"
english.103dejanr,
The World Cow Pie Tossing Championship was held this weekend
in Beaver, Oklahoma. The men's winner threw a cow pie for
a new record of 159 feet.
You know where they'll break this record? At the 1992
Democratic Convention in June.
english.104dejanr,
This is somewhat of an urban legend here in Tromsoe.
Grafitti in the men's room of Prelaten, a local cafe:
"Marie: If you can read this, it's all over between us"
english.105dejanr,
A set of the lesser jokes regarding the reaction to the L.A. Police
Brutality verdict, and the riots and sending in of the troops
(which I'm calling Operation Mojave Desert Storm.)
Subject: Back to the grind, in L.A.
From: pearl@iago.sw.stratus.com (Dan Pearl)
The four L.A. policemen acquitted in the Rodney King brutality case
were heard to remark that they are looking forward to "getting
back to the beat".
= = = = = = =
Subject: Bush's plan to stop the LA riots
From: bruce@lurch.data-io.com (Bruce Reynolds)
The mayor of LA and the govenor of CA declared a state of emergency,
and approached the federal government for assistance to control the
rioting going on in south central LA over the Rodney King acquittal.
President Bush has announced his plan to to stop the riots: he will
immediately lower the capital gains tax.
= = = = = = =
Subject: LA After the Verdict
From: abc@concert.net (Alan Clegg)
Perhaps it is time to start the new news group:
alt.tv.la-lawless
original
-abc
= = = = = = =
Subject: New Alarm System resubmittal (topical)
From: WCOX@vax.clarku.edu (GRACE)
Heard on WAAF radio in Boston.
There's a new alarm system out for your car now. It's called "CLUB."
It's real simple. If a burglar tries to steal your car, an alarm sounds,
which summons 15 LAPD officers who CLUB the would-be burglar within an inch of
their life.
= = = = = = =
Subject: Where there's smoke...
From: Steven.Grimm@Eng.Sun.COM (Steven Grimm)
(Keywords: original, topical, in bad taste)
All the building fires in Los Angeles over the past two days have actually
_increased_ visibility by 50%...
= = = = = = =
Subject: treats you like an emperor
From: Wing.Keung.F.Au@IUS5.IUS.CS.CMU.EDU
purely fictitious, it came up last night while i was watching CNN.
Chinese Prime Minister Li Peng at a press conference after the Rodney
King trial verdict is out, said, "It is time to stop bitching our human
rights records, otherwise, not only that we will 'treat you like a
King,' our utmost generous government will 'treat you like an emperor,'
the Tianmen style."
He then left the podium, couldn't stop laughing as he walked out.
hahahahah,
= = = = = = =
Subject: Looters on video
From: bryanh@lsid.hp.com (Bryan Hoog)
The news coverage of the massive L.A. looting was amazing to watch. Some
of the looters slowed down to a walk in order to give on-the-spot interviews
to reporters, whilst carefully juggling their ill-botten gooty. Meanwhile,
all the police could do was watch from a distance.
At this point, I was inspired to voice what has to be the stupidest thing
I have ever said in my life:
"They should have issued each cop a camcorder so that they could convict
these criminals later!"
= = = = = = =
Subject: I have this sticker (maybe)
From: jjung@aludra.usc.edu (John Jung)
(I'd love to see this sticker)
"My mom and dad looted during the L.A. Riots and all I got was this crummy
VCR."
John
= = = = = = =
Subject: Riot Humor --- TRUE STORY
From: nicholso@pioneer.arc.nasa.gov (Melvin H. Nicholson YBH)
I overhead this on Berkeley campus this past weekend.
"I can't believe that the defense got away with calling King a bear. The
system is so screwed up if they'll let a man be dehumanized like that."
"Yeah, the pigs are just out of control."
(sigh)
= = = = = = =
Subject: Cinco de Mayo in LA
From: lee@beetle.mport.com
The looting and rioting in LA over the weekend is likely to lower
spirits among those celebrating Cinco de Mayo this tuesday. But
at least they'll be well dressed.
(Overheard while getting my hair cut)
= = = = = = =
Subject: Be careful what you ask for...
From: chrisp@efi.com (Chris Phoenix)
This is an original joke.
I heard on the news that there were over 3400 fires started by
the riots touched off by the Rodney King verdict.
But I thought George Bush only wanted _one_ thousand points of light!
Chris Phoenix chrisp@efi.com
= = = = = = =
From: terwill@arecibo.aero.org (BILL TERWILLEGAR)
Subject: *NEW* TRAVEL ADVISORY -- Los Angeles
In the rec.travel newsgroup there are always these "advisories" for
every country on earth for one reason or another. Anyway, sitting in my office
in El Segundo (a small city near Los Angeles International Airport) I
edited one that was for some Asian country. It didn't take a lot of
editing.....
STATE DEPARTMENT TRAVEL ADVISORY - Los Angeles
============================================================
Los Angeles - Warning
April 30, 1992
The Department of State advises all sane creatures to defer all travel to Los
Angeles. The Department also advises that only limited police and fire
services are available in the city due to "occupied" staffing. Recent months
have seen a period of political change accompanied by social and economic
difficulty. Rising tension, accompanied by a number of incidents of
politically inspired violence, culminated in cancellation of common sense and
fair judicial process of law and a large number of arrests seem certain.
Humans in Los Angeles are advised to avoid all public gatherings and
demonstrations, even if you are dragged from your vehicle, claim that you have
a hair appointment elsewhere and are running late, because they have the
potential to turn violent "unexpectedly. "
All living creatures currently in Los Angeles are advised to avoid travel to
the south-central region of Los Angeles. Numerous incidents of banditry and
assault involving locals have been reported. Bandits have robbed, assaulted,
kidnapped, and killed travelers in south-central Los Angeles. The city
government and local judical groups have closed a large section of Los Angeles
between common sense and reality for security reasons.
Anyone wishing to avoid death and dismemberment currently in Los Angeles is
encouraged to avoid donut shops, high speed police pursuit, trial by jury,
Korean grocery stores and the local indiginous population.
No. 92-Oh Hell!
This advisory replaces the advisory dated April 29, 1992, to reflect worsening
conditions due to the complete loss of common sense in southern California.