english.1wizard,
>> You must distribute at least ten copies within 96 hours
>> of receiving this letter. Those who do will find their
>> love lives more fulfilling. Those who do not will be
>> doomed to one-night stands with mechanical devices.
Is it your 10th or 11th copy? ;)
Greetings,
Nenad
english.2dejanr,
Jack and Jill went to hill to have a little fun,
but stupid Jill forgot a pill and now they have a son!
english.3dejanr,
Seen in a hotel in San Jose, Costa Rica:
Honoured Guest: we are currently in the process of installing a new elevator
to serve you better. Please apologize for any inconvenience this causes you.
english.4dejanr,
The following is from the Los Angeles Times, 1/9/92.
Even the Supreme Court has grunt work, and sombody's got to do it. So
how does the Chief Justice decide?
William H. Rehnquist leads the caroling at the Supreme Court's annual
holiday party, but many employees joke that he also keeps his ears
cocked to find out who might not be singing.
Shortly before the recent party, a law clerk asked Justice David H.
Souter if he would sing. Souter deadpanned: "I have to. Otherwise, I
get all the tax cases."
english.5dejanr,
The press for full disclosure of all members who have bounced checks at the
Bank of Congress is coming mostly from a Republican "gang of seven" who are
delighted that most of the offenders are Democrats.
Of course they are. If they had money, they'd have been Republicans.
(From Dennis Miller)
english.6dejanr,
I wrote this in an Amiga group awhile back to explain how procurement
(buying) works in government and large institutions. This lamb had
no idea....
I was encouraged to put it in rec.humor.funny, so here you go.
In article <1991Mar16.161306.29573@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu>
gerber@sirius.astro.uiuc.ed
>I recall there being some discussion of this a few months back,
>so, stolen from the news wire:
>
>Apple Closer to Gaining Big Federal Contract 03/15/91
> [deleted]
>The C3 protest contended that, when the Air Force again selected
>the Macintosh systems last summer (1990), the military had
>ignored the questions of multitasking, system connectivity, and
>security.
Sigh. Some people just don't understand how government procurement of
computer systems works. Here's a quick review:
1. Some big mucky-muck decides that his division is falling behind the
division across the street, because they just got some XGP
Whizbanger 400 frobnicators across the street, and there aren't any
over here. This is intolerable, because the mucky-muck gets teased
about it every times he plays golf with the mucky-mucks from across the
street.
2. The mucky-muck tells his toadie that they have to get some
Whizbanger 400's to replace the Whizbanger 399's they already have.
The toadie gets to work by asking a grunt to write a description of
the exact technical capabilities of a Whizbanger 400. Meanwhile,
the toadie starts the procurement by asking the committee to
allocate a mess of moolah for an upgrade.
3. The toadie sends out a notice to the corporate stiffs that the
committee has allocated the moolah (whether they have or not), to
procure a large amount of frobnicating machinery, with a vague
description of the sort of frobnicating that will be going on. There
should be stiffs from at least three corporations: Whiz, Inc. (the
maker of the Whizbanger 400), one foreign corporation, and one USA
corporation. In a pinch, two stiffs will do, so long as one is
from Whiz, Inc., and the other is a USA stiff.
4. The stiffs all come and try to sell their frobnicators to the
toadie and a whole collection of grunts. They describe their
equipment and use overhead projectors and wear nice suits.
5. The toadie takes the technical description from step 2 and writes
"requirements" across the top. He then gives it to the collection,
from step 4, telling them to pick the machine they saw that best
matches these requirements. They usually pick the Whizbanger 400.
If they do not, the toadie fires them and gets another collection
that can pick the right machine.
6. The toadie takes the decision of the grunts and gives it to a bunch
of pencil pushers, who work out a cost estimate.
7. The toadie gives the estimate to the check-writers, who go out and
buy all the Whizbangers they can with that much moolah.
8. The mucky-muck gets to play golf in peace.
------
Well, this is a little bit exaggerated, but it is close enough that a
lot of people would recognize it. Government agencies were notorious
for writing their reqirements so that only a certain model of IBM
mainframe would satisfy them. A certain department in my previous
University made certain that they bought Macintoshes, even though one
user in there managed to get a NeXT (by paying for it himself) and was
doing wonderful things with it before the Macs showed up, and even
though the primary purpose was to get things networked (yes, a NeXT can
network better than a Mac). And the bit about competing divisions
wanting things just because someone else has them is sadly very
common.
-Dan
english.7dejanr,
Pinnoccio comes to Jepeto one morning and tells him that his girl friend
complains about the wood-chips on his dick. Jepeto gives him a piece of
sand paper, and asks him to take care of the problem by himself. Two
days latter Pinnoccio comes to Jepeto and says : "With such sand paper,
who needs a girl friend?"
english.8dejanr,
Here's how USA Today reported the outcome of Bush's visit to Japan:
******
*** ***
** **
** . RICE **
* . *
* . *
* . 33% *
* RAW . *
* FISH 28% .............*
* . .22% STRANGE*
* . . RED *
* . 17% . BITS *
** . . **
**. SAKE . **
*** ***
******
Steve Kelem
kelem@xilinx.com
english.9dejanr,
My roomie was telling me about his trip home when he took his
girlfriend (now fiancee) home to meet people. While there, he met one
of his old friends that was not overly experienced in sexual matters.
During that evening, sexual matters became the topic of conversation as
they often do among young people our age. They found out that his
friend thought that "oral sex" was when two people kissed each other
using their tongues. (ie. french kissing) Nononono, they told her
admist their chuckles, and proceeded to explain what oral sex actually
was.
My roomie then confided that he was considering buying his friend a copy
of "The Joy of Sex" while he was out shopping at a bookstore. He almost
bought it for her to give her a little better understanding, but decided
against it because of the prohibitive cost.
"Oh I get it," I said knowingly, "You were going to tell her to
Read The Fucking Manual."
english.10dejanr,
The great circus performer Mephisto decided to make a few extra
bucks on the side by taking bets and by challenging his audience
to equal his performances.
This policy continued on quite successfully until he brought his
elephant into the act. He would drag the elephant out onto the
stage, then dare anyone in the audience to make the elephant do
some trick, offering them financial compensation if they succeeded.
One day, he brought out the elephant as usual, and told the crowd:
"You've all seen an elephant stand on three feet?" The crowd
nodded. "You've all seen an elephant stand on two feet?" The crowd
nodded. "You've all seen an elephant stand on one foot?" The crowd
nodded again. "I will pay $10 000 to any one who can make this elephant
jump into the air with all four feet off the ground!"
No one took the challenge until a thin old man walked boldly from the
back. He looked the elephant steely in the eye, the proceeded to
walk around to its hindquarters. Producng a brick in either hand,
he then proceeded to smash the elephant's testicles between the
bricks.
The elephant roared in pain and jumped eight feet into the air.
Mephisto paid the man reluctantly, then moved his show to another
town.
A few years later Mephisto was short on cash again, and was not
attracting as much business as he used to. So he brought back his
old act of challenging the crowd with financial recompense. In this
way, greater crowds gathered, and his show was a bigger success.
He would drag out the elephant and say: "You've all seen an elephant
nod up and down, right?" The crowd nodded. "But none of you have
ever seen an elephant shake its head from side to side! I will
pay anyone $10 000 who can make my elephant do such a trick!"
No one took up the challenge until the same thin old man tromped
boldly down from the back. He looked the elephant coldly in the
eye and said, "Do you remember me?"
The elephant nodded up and down.
"Do you want me to do it again?"
The elephant shook its head vigorously from side to side. Mephisto
paid the man and retired.
english.11dejanr,
The SCPC (Society for the Confusion of the Politcally Correct) recently
issued a new T-shirt :
"Stop Trapping! Support James Bay II!"
(James Bay II is a huge hydroelectric project that, if implemented, will
destroy the ecology of much of northern Quebec.)
english.12dejanr,
In article <S370.76d@looking.on.ca> michelsn@bimacs.cs.biu.ac.il (Akiva
Michelso
>During the Gulf war, here in Israel, there was a family watching the Cosby
>show, and taping it just in case there would be another air-raid siren.
>Sure enough there was, and they filed into their sealed rooms. After the
>whole thing was over, they returned to watch their video tape. And what
>do you know, the same thing happened just about the same time in the show.
>After they retuned to their sealed room for a third time they realized it
>was the tape and not a real drill.
In a similar vein:
While serving aboard a nuclear powered submarine in the mid 1970's,
the crew was in the crew's mess watching the movie Poseidon Adventure
(you know the one, where the cruise ship turns upsidedown, and the
survivors have to climb "down" to get out...)
Well things were pretty tense, and everyone was paying attention,
as the heroes went through many trials and tribulations. Then all
of a sudden everyone heard..."FIRE IN THE TORPEDO ROOM!"
The audience cheered, "YEAH, go get em...", "Allright", etc. - until
someone mentioned - "Hey! They don't have a torpedo room!". The
fire was one compartment forward of where they were watching the
movie. Once everyone wised up to what was going on they quickly
took care of the problem.
english.13dejanr,
<This was handed out at an obstetrics and gynecology convention.
Permission was given to copy and hand it out. It's a facetious
attempt turning the tables in contraception research.>
The "Umbrelly"
The newest development in male contraception was unveiled
recently at the American's Women's Surgical Symposium held
at the Ann Arbor Medical Center. Dr. Sophia Merkin, of the
Merkin Clinic, announced the preliminary findings of a study
conducted on 763 unsuspecting male grad students at a large
Midwestern university. In her report, Dr. Merkin stated that
the new contraceptive- the IPD -was a breakthrough in male
contraception. It will be marketed under the trade name "Umbrelly."
The IPD (intrapenal device) resembles a tiny folded umbrella
that is inserted through the head of the penis and pushed into
the scrotum with a plunger-like instrument. Occasionally, there
is perforation of the scrotum, but this is disregarded, since it
is known that the male has few nerve endings in this area of his
body. The underside of the umbrella contains a spermicidal jelly,
hence the name "Umbrelly."
Experiments on a thousand white whales from the Continental Shelf
(whose sexual apparatus is said to be closest to man's) proved the
Umbrelly to be 100 percent effective in preventing production of sperm
and eminently satisfactory to the female whale, since it doesn't
interfere with her rutting pleasure.
Dr. Merkin declared the Umbrelly to be statistically safe for the
human male. She reported that of the 763 grad students tested with
the device, only two died of scrotal infection, only twenty
experienced swelling of the tissues. Three developed cancer of the
testicles, and thirteen were too depressed to have an erection. She
states that common complaints ranged from cramping and bleeding to
acute abdominal pain. She emphasized that these symptoms were merely
indications that the man's body had not yet adjusted to the device.
Hopefully the symptoms were disappear within a year.
One complication caused by th IPD and briefly mentioned by Dr. Merkin
was the incidence of massive scrotal infection necessitating the surgical
removal of the testicles. "But this is a rare case," said Merkin, "too
rare to be statistically important. She said the other distinguished
members of the Women's College of Surgeons agreed that the benefits far
outweighed the risk to any individual man.
english.14dejanr,
Sworn to be true, but probably apocryphal:
In the mid 80's a cruiser of the U.S. navy put in to port in Catahegna,
Spain, for a week's shore leave. (Well, leave for the crew, not the cruiser.)
The first evening, the captain was more than a little surprised to receive the
following letter from an upper-class Spanish lady:
Dear Captain,
On Thursday, it will be my daughter's coming of age party. I would
like you to send four well-mannered, rich, unmarried officers. They
should arrive at 8 p.m. - One last point: no Jews - we don't like Jews.
Sure enough, at 8 on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door, which she
opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely-mannered, wealthy, single,
BLACK officers. Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she
got out "There must be some mistake".
"Madam", said the first officer, "Captain Cohen doesn't make mistakes."
english.15dejanr,
By: burley@geech.gnu.ai.mit.edu (Craig Burley)
Organization: Free Software Foundation 545 Tech Square Cambridge, MA 02139
In article <1992Jan03.201629.20247walt@netcom.COM> walt@netcom.COM (Walt
Brainer
Each member of X3J3 will complete the following form,
the secretary will record the total points, and the member
will be allowed that many votes on each issue. I apologize
to the secretary for the extra work involved, but fairness
is surely more important.
[...]
To the secretary: please put me down as having 77 votes.
Of course, I tried to rig it so I would have the most points,
but Jim Matheny of CSC had more.
Ok, conservatively, I have 1+14+22+0+(-11) = 26 points (sure hope I added and
subtracted right! :-). The -11 might be a bit extreme, but I really can't
remember writing anything over 500 in Fortran that's "important" since 1980
or 81 or so.
Does this mean I'm not allowed to write a Fortran compiler? :-)
I think another fun way to determine how many votes people on X3J3 get is
to come up with a test of ones' _current_ perceptions of Fortran and it's
place in the industry. It should be mostly multiple-choice/true-false but
perhaps some essay questions as well.
For example (with answers at the bottom of the post, but not upside-down):
--------
Question 1: The forthcoming Fortran standard [now F90] is important because:
a) It will make it easier for people to write useful Fortran programs
b) It will give compiler vendors more work to do and products to sell
c) It will make it easier for people to teach others how to write Fortran
d) It will serve as the ideal application lanuguage for Windows 3.0
Question 2: The Fortran 77 standard was important because:
a) It was the first time anyone ever wrote down what Fortran was supposed
to be used for
b) Its deadpan writing style was the perfect antidote to the '70s disco
craze
c) Nobody thought it was possible
d) It gave compiler vendors more work to do and products to sell
e) It made it easier for people to write useful Fortran programs
Question 3: The arithmetic-IF (three-way) statement is in the Fortran
language because:
a) IF statements having higher prime numbers of branches (five, seven, and
so on) were found hard to implement on binary computers
b) It used to be the only way for people to write useful Fortran programs
c) It more closely models human expectations than the logical-IF statement,
since at most intersections, a driver has three choices as to which
direction to take
d) It makes writing applications for Windows 3.0 easier
Question 4: NAMELIST was added to the forthcoming Fortran standard because:
a) There was no other way to make people use it
b) There was no other way to stop people from using it
c) It makes writing device drivers for UNIX easier
d) People claimed it would make it easier for them to write useful Fortran
programs
e) Visual BASIC has it
Question 5: Recent and future Fortran standards disallow multiple-dummy
and/or dummy/common aliasing of any variable when the called procedure
modifies any variable involved in the aliasing because:
a) It will give compiler vendors less work to do and faster products to
sell
b) There should really be only one way to skin a cat
c) Fortran programming is for people who have nothing else to do but
remember obscure rules like this
d) It makes it easier for people to write useful Fortran programs
d) I don't know what a dummy is
Question 6: Despite the fact that almost all Fortran implementations are on
machines that use binary arithmetic, numerical constants in Fortran are
expressed in decimal (base 10) notation because:
a) It makes it easier for people to write useful Fortran programs
b) There's only so much a computer should know
c) Lots of Fortran programmers are used to COBOL PIC(999) stuff
d) Keypunch machines are notoriously difficult when it comes to punching
hexadecimal (base 16) numbers
e) It will give anal-retentive mathematicians more explaining to do about
how you never quite get what you want with floating-point, and that
seems to keep them happy
Question 7: The name FORTRAN itself means:
a) FORmula TRANslation
b) FORTy RANdom features in one language
c) FORget your computer-science TRAiNing
d) FOR The Right ANswers
e) Fortran Only Resembles Text Remotely At Night
f) Nothing, it is one of those made-up marketing names like MUMPS
--------
I'm sure many of the rest of you could contribute more. Then we'd have
something _real_ with which to test people! (On the other hand, my use of
grammar in the previous sentence, where I refused to end a sentence with a
preposition, should invalidate me for membership on most committees. :-)
--------
Here are my proposed "points" for the above questions, and the reasons why:
(Following the form-feed, of course.)
Question 1:
a) 10 points -- You can't argue with this and be useful to X3J3
b) 10 points -- You can't argue with this and be useful to X3J3
c) 9 points -- Point off for thinking teaching is as important as selling
and using, since there's little money in teaching
d) 0 points -- Try again when we start the standardization process
for Visual FORTRAN
Question 2:
a) 2 points -- Nice fantasy
b) 3 points -- True, but we fear your antidote to New Age music
c) 4 points -- Doing the impossible gets boring after a while on X3J3
d) 10 points -- Cynicism important for X3J3 reps
e) 10 points -- Cynicism important for X3J3 reps
Question 3:
a) 1 point -- For at least keeping up with comp.arch
b) 10 points -- Your grasp of history is impeccable
c) 5 points -- Always good to model human situations, but think: are such
intersections ideal, or perhaps modeled on Fortran?
d) 0 points -- Not true, since mouse up/down/drag status is not available
as an integer value
Question 4:
a) 0 points -- Oh come on!
b) 1 point -- Right idea, wrong application
c) 0 points -- This is never a reason for a Fortran feature, and wrong too
d) 10 points -- Truly, there seems to be no other answer
e) 5 points -- Excellent abstract thinking, points off for being mistaken
Question 5:
a) 10 points -- A longer answer is possible, but a waste of time
b) 9 points -- Not quite as eloquently expressed as a)
c) 8 points -- Mostly true, but if we can get others to try it as well,
compiler vendors can sell more compilers
d) 4 points -- Only if you replace "easier" and "useful" with "possible"
and "fast"
e) 10 points -- You are likely to be excellent in X3J3 diplomacy
Question 6:
a) 10 points -- Strangely, most people still think in base 0xA
b) 4 points -- True in sentiment, false in implementation, decimal gives
the compiler _more_ information than it needs, sometimes
c) 2 points -- It doesn't help them any, actually; COBOL programmers don't
even understand what is meant by "Division" in Fortran
d) 7 points -- Modern keypunch machines have their own hex entry pads
e) 10 points -- The scary thing is, they're right
Question 7:
a) 10 points
b) 9 points -- One point off for minor historical inaccuracy
c) 4 points -- Cynicism not _that_ important to X3J3
d) 5 points -- Wrong, but simple-minded answer suggests malleable X3J3
voter
e) 1 point -- X3J3 hardly needs more recursive-acronym-loving FSF weenies
f) 0 points -- Not even close
--------
NOTE: This sample test is protected by the GNU Public License. You may
redistribute it only if you include with the distribution all the answers
and free copies of the Fortran 66, Fortran 77, and Fortran 90 standards,
plus MIL-STD 1753, for the recipients' background reading.
tq vm, (burley)
--
James Craig Burley, Software Craftsperson burley@gnu.ai.mit.edu
english.16dejanr,
A recent study has revealed a correlation between commonly
observed bumper stickers and the state of the economy.
During boom times:
#########################################################################
# #
# ### ### #
# ## ## ## ## #
# # # # #
# ### # # # # # # #### #### #### #
# # # # ## ## # # # # # # # # #
# # # # ## ## # # # # # # # #
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # ## #
# # # # # # # # # # # # # #
# # # # # # # # # # # # ## #
# ### # # # # # #### #### ### # #
# # # #
# # #
# #
#########################################################################
During a recession:
#########################################################################
# #
# # #
# # # #
# # # #
# ### # # # # # # #### #### #### #
# # # # ## ## # # # # # # # # #
# # # # ## ## # # # # # # # #
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
# # # ### # # # # # # # # # # # ## #
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
# # ### # ### # # # # # # # # ## #
# ### # # # # # #### #### ### # #
# # # #
# ####### #
# #
#########################################################################
During a depression:
#########################################################################
# #
# ### #
# # # #
# # # #
# # # #
# ### # # # # # # #### #### #### #
# # # # ## ## # # # # # # # # #
# # ### ### ## ## # # # # # # # #
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # ## #
# # # ### # # # # # # # # # # #
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ## #
# ### ## # ## # # # #### #### ### # #
# # # #
# # # #
# ####### #
# #
#########################################################################
During economic collapse:
#########################################################################
# #
# ###### #
# # # #
# # # #
# ### # # # # # # #### #### #### #
# # # # ## ## # # # # # # # # #
# # # # ## ## # # # # # # # #
# # ###### # # # # # # # # # # # #
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # ## #
# # # # # # # # # # # # # #
# # # # # # # # # # # # ## #
# ### # # # # # #### #### ### # #
# # # #
# ###### #
# #
#########################################################################
english.17dejanr,
A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their
car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears
that they will have to spend the night in a motel.
The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a
minor problem.
PREIST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the
circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll
sleep on the couch and you take the bed.
SISTER: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.
Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold.
PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.
Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.
Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would
mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
PRIEST: You're probably right...........Get up and get your own damn
blanket.
english.18dejanr,
(Heard on ABC News radio, 3/20)
"Dow Corning announced today that they will stop selling
silicone breast implants. They say that it's not to prevent
future lawsuits, but because the market is so small..."
english.19dejanr,
It was mentioned on CNN that the new prime number discovered
recently is four times bigger then the previous record.
english.20dejanr,
Speaking of driving in India, my wife and I had several interesting
and harrowing experiences with driving in India, while visiting for
three weeks in Winter 1990.
We discovered some rules of the road:
o He who is loudest wins.
Urban traffic in India is a miasma of vehicular and non-vehicular
traffic, including such diverse things as cars, semis, motor-rickshaws
(three-wheeled taxis), bicycle-rickshaws, motor scooters, elephants,
goats, dogs, children, chickens, bearers, push-carts, camels, buses, etc.
These things are all moving. If you want to pass anything, honk your
horn. Everyone else will start honking too. If you don't have a horn,
shout. He who is loudest gets the right-of-way. Everyone else moves
over to the left (unless they are in a hurry; everyone in India is in
a hurry). If the other vehicles and livestock don't yield to the loudest
horn, that vehicle with the right-of-way enters the lane of oncoming
traffic and passes those ahead. Especially on a busy street at rush hour.
This especially fun when you are in a flimsy motor-rickshaw, with a
semi bearing down on you.
o Don't hit the cows.
In addition to the moving traffic, you have a number of stationary
targets, er, obstacles, including cows, beggars, street repair crews,
double-parked cars and trucks and elephants. You are in the right as long
as you don't hit the cows. The cows can be ANYWHERE in the street.
Usually they sit on the median, but you can find them sitting in the
middle of the road. All traffic flows around the cow. Other animals or
people are not so lucky.
o All roads shall be repaired once every 20 years, whether they need it
or not.
The state of road surfaces in India is a miracle of hand labor.
Everything is done by hand, including the removal of old asphalt
(burn a fire on top of the road until it gets soft), laying the
stone underlayment, mixing concrete (usually right on top of the
street), and leveling the surface. The tools are shovels and picks and
brooms. This insures that the maximum amount of work for the repair crews.
This also insures the maximum amount of disruption of traffic, because
the process of resurfacing a stretch of road will take a minimum of
five years. When they are done resurfacing, the condition of the
road is nearly identical to previous, meaning full of potholes, very
uneven, etc. And since most vehicles lack any sort of suspension, a short
ride around town is a bone-jarring, exhausting, white-knuckled adventure.
The process of building a one mile stretch of new road takes about ten
years.
OK, enough of the rules of the road. Now let me tell you a story about
a trip from the Delhi airport to a house some unknown distance away.
We were on our way directly to a wedding and we were late (the plane
was late getting in). We hired a taxi to take us there. We showed them
(driver and buddy) the address and they said they knew where it was.
The dispatcher said they knew where it was, and we pay them (always
get prepaid taxis at the airport). We got into the taxi and left the
airport.
Two minutes later, the driver turns on the radio full blast with the
most screeching Indian pop music. The speakers were right behind our
heads. When I say full blast, I mean that most ghetto blasters would
melt. After five minutes of shouting over the music to get them to
turn it off, where they claim not to understand what we are asking,
they finally turned it off.
Remember, we are in a hurry. After driving all the way around
the airport, we arrive at an airport gas station to fill up with petrol.
We spend at least 10 minutes in the gas station. The driver tries
to get me to pay for the gas, but I refuse. So, we all leave in a
good mood. Fifteen minutes later, we are cruising down the road
and the driver hits another car. We stop for another ten minutes,
while the taxi driver and the other driver shout at each other in
Hindi. Well, I think it was Hindi. They may have been shouting in
two different languages for all I know. Then the police stop to
see what is up. They flash a flashlight in on us to see if we're
criminals or something. Then they join in the shouting match. In
five more minutes, everybody is quite happy and we get back on the
road.
After another half hour on the road, it appears the driver and his
buddy are looking for where to go. They ask us again what city
it is in. We tell them and they drive for another ten minutes.
Then they want to know what street, and we drive for another ten minutes.
Finally, they ask someone on the street where to go, and we
drive for another ten minutes. Now we are close, so they ask
another passerby. Four blocks away. We arrive in front of the
house and get out.
The driver unloaded our bags from the trunk. THEN HE ASKED FOR A TIP!
english.21dejanr,
The US Post Office was having a hard time deciding on which
ELVIS stamp to issue so they've decided to issue both.
The young, thin ELVIS will be used for regular mail while the
old, fat ELVIS will be used for bulk mail.
The Post Office is already concerned about counterfeit ELVIS
stamps. They suspect that a lot of ELVIS impersonator stamps
will appear.
english.22dejanr,
Paul Tsongas, in response to Bill Clinton's escalating success, keeps
asking the voters to concentrate on his "economic message" and then
goes on to say that he will continue to campaign even if it leaves
him in debt. That's a good economic message right there.
english.23dejanr,
I don't understand why everyone's so upset about the check writing scandal
at the House bank. It's just part of our constitutional system of checks
and balances; in this case, bounced checks and negative balances.
english.24dejanr,
Heard this one this morning on FM 102.5 in Pocatello:
Apparently, George Bush was giving a speech last night, and made the
remark that among the items found in the wreckage of Amelia Earhart's
plane were a bunch of travel vouchers for John Sununu.
I'm still wondering if the DJ's made this one up...
english.25dejanr,
Since it's THAT time of year, I thought people might need a copy of this
year's tax form (this is the short form). Just fill it out and send it in.
Some of the following is original, the rest has been gathered from various
sources over the years.
Note: it's a full 80 characters wide and may be displayed with extra blank
lines by some notes/news readers. If so, it'll look better printed.
Brett Carver
brett@hpnmd.sr.hp.com
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
f 11 000 4 000 Department of the Treasury - 11 999 999 11
o 111 0 0 44 0 0 Internal Revenue Service 111 9 9 9 9 111
r 1 0 0 44444 0 0 U U SSS 1 9999 9999 1
m 1 0 0 4 0 0 U U SSS Individual Income 1 9 9 1
11111 000 4 000 UUU SSS Tax Return 11111 999 999 111
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the year January 1 - December 31, 1992 or whenever you get around to it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
please| FULL NAME | LAST NAME | SECOND TO LAST INITIAL | Starch |[]cuffs
print,| | | | []yes []no |[]nocuffs
type |------------------------------------------------------------------------
or use| Present address of addressee (must be filled out by addressor or legal
hyro- | guardian of aforementioned (unless greater than line B above))
glyph-|
ics |------------------------------------------------------------------------
(no | City, Town, Post Office, Shoe Size | Address greater than line 41?[]yes
Latin)| | If yes, why? ________________[]no
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Height | Weight | Sex []yes | Occu- Yours _________ | Social Security Number
| | []no | pation Spouse _________ | Yours _|_|_ Spouse _|_|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Do you wish to designate []yes | Isn't | NOTE: if you
Presidential >> $1 of your taxes to this []no | this a | checked yes
Election >>> worthy cause? []maybe | dumb law? | we will come
Campaign >> What about the little lady? []metoo | []yes |and steal all
> The kids, dog, cat, fish? []woof | []no | your hubcaps
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Requested > A. How many talking chickens do you own? | D yes? []no
by >> B. Names _______________________________ | E no? []yes
the >>> C. Do any of them play the oboe? []yes []no | F maybe?[]perhaps
Department >>>>---------------------------------------------------------------
of >>> Do you live within 2 miles | Have you rotated |If no file IRS
Agriculture >> of a decent pizza place? | your tires lately? |tire rotation
> []yes []no []extra cheese | []yes []no []flat |Schedule L
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Filing 1 [] Single 2 [] Double 3 [] Triple 4 [] Sacrifice Fly |for IRS use
Status 5 [] Married Filing Singly Joint return | O | | X
(even if spouse is married separately) |---|---|---
6 [] Joint married singly separate spouse | | X |
(but filing double jointed) |---|---|---
7 [] Head of Household filing separate but joint return | X | O | O
(if unmarried but jointly single) |-----------
8 [] Head of joint filing single file spouses separately
9 [] Widow(er)with separate dependent filing out of joint return singly
10 [] Deceased filing posthumous return
(attach notarized Death Schedule D, signed by deceased)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Exem- 41 a regular? | Enter number of
ptions b [] yourself [] 65 or over [] blind [] dead | boxes checked > _
[] spouse [] 65 or over [] blind [] dead |
c Names of Dependent children who lived with | Check number of
You you __________________ Why? _______________ | boxes entered > _
are d Just first names dummy. |
here 4 Do you weigh more than last year's tax form? | Enter number of
| e Number of parakeets subtracted from Gross | checkered boxes _
| Rotated Income (plus line 27 - unless greater |
\|/ than twelve miles) | Do nothing
v f How many inches in a liter? _____ | Here > _
* 11 a Total Confusion
(add lines 6e and f,g; fold in eggs, beat until firm) --------> -
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Income 12 Wages, Salaries, Tips, Extortion. (attach W2 forms to |##| | |
your forehead with heavy duty staplegun) . . . . . . . . |12|____|_|
13 Remunerations (if less than gross reimbursements then |##| | |
Please file schedule Q (see page 14 of "Joy of Cooking")) . . . |13|____|_|
attach 14 Gross influx (see 40% of instructions) . . . . . . . . . |14|____|_|
payment 15 Money you made (if $400 or less, more or less, list |##| | |
(small schedule B without not filling in Part II and R2, but |##| | |
unmarked more than line 8). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |15|____|_|
bills) 16 What about all that cash you stashed in that jar under |##| | |
here. the garage? (see page 7 of instructions) . . . . . . . . |16|____|_|
| --------------------------------------------------------------------
|___ 17 Add lines 12 through 16, multiply by 2, |##| | |
this is your total income. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |17|____|_|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Taxes 18 Enter Grossly adjusted net average income (line 17). . . |18|____|_|
19 Enter Total deductions (if greater than 0, enter 0). . . |19|____|_|
20 Subtract line 19 from line 18. Taxable income. . . . . . |20|____|_|
21 Figure Total Taxes using line 20 . . . . . . . . . . . . |##| | |
[] Tax Table [] Tax Rate Schedule X, Y, or Z [] Guessed. |21|____|_|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Payment 23 Federal income tax withheld . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |23|____|_|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amount 25 If line 23 is larger that 21, you made a mistake, |##| | |
You re-figure your taxes. |##| | |
Owe 26 Subtract line 23 from line 21. . . . . . . . . . . . . . |26|____|_|
27 Add the shirt off your back. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |27|____|_|
28 Send it in . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |28|____|_|
29 Pick a number between 1 and 10 . . . . . . . . . . . . . |29|____|_|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please > Under penalty of death, I declare that every figure on this return and
Sign >>accompanying schedules is correct to within 100% plus or minus some.
Here > Signature ___________________________ date ___________ check here []
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
english.26dejanr,
>Q: What is the difference between an Italian grandmother
> and a Jewish grandmother?
>
>A: One says, "If you don't eat, I'll kill you," and the
> other says, "If you don't eat, I'll kill myself."
>
And if you have a cannibal grandmother, she says "If you don't
eat, I'll kill you and eat you myself."
english.27dejanr,
MAN OF STEEL,
WOMAN OF KLEENEX
(by Larry Niven)
At the ripe old age of forty,[1] Kal-El (alias Superman, alias Clark
Kent), is still unmarried. Almost certainly he is still a virgin. This is
a serious matter. The species itself is in danger!
An unwed Superman's a mobile Superman. Thus it has been alleged that those
who chronicle the Man of Steel's adventures are responsible for his
condition. But the cartoonists are not to blame.
Nor is Superman handicapped by psychological problems.
Granted that the poor oaf is not entirely sane. How could he be? He is an
orphan, a refugee, and an alien. His homeworld no longer exists in any
form, save for gigatons upon gigatons of dangerous, prettily colored
rocks.
As a child and young adult, Kal-El must have been hard put to find an
adequate father-figure. What human could control his antisocial behavior.
What human would dare to try to punish him? His actual, highly asocial
behavior during this period indicates an inhuman self-restraint.
What wonder if Superman drifted gradually into schizophrenia? Torn between
his human and kryptonian identities, he chose to be both, keeping his
split personalities rigidly separate. A psychotic desperation is evident
in his defense of his "secret identity."
But Superman's sex problems are strictly physiological, and quite real.
The purpose of this article is to point out some medical drawbacks to
being a kryptonian among human beings, and to suggest possible solutions.
The kryptonian humanoid must not be allowed to go the way of the
pterodactyl and the passenger pigeon.
-------------------
[1] Superman first appeared in Action Comics, June 1938.
**************************************************************************
I.
What turns on a kryptonian?
Superman is an alien, an extraterrestrial. His humanoid frame is
doubtless the result of parallel evolution, as the marsupials of Australia
resemble their mammalian counterparts. A specific niche in the ecology
calls for a certain shape, a certain size, certain capabilities, certain
eating habits.
Be not deceived by appearances. Superman is no relative to homo sapiens.
What arouses Kal-El's mating urge? Did kryptonian women carry some subtle
mating cue at appropriate times of year? Whatever it is, Lois Lane
probably doesn't have it. We may speculate that she smells wrong, less
like a kryptonian woman than like a terrestrial monkey. A mating between
Superman and Lois Lane would feel like sodomy --- and would be, of course,
by church and common law.
*************************************************************************
II.
Assume a mating between Superman and a human woman, designated LL for
convenience.
Either Superman has gone completely schizo and believes himself to be
Clark Kent; or he knows what he's doing, but no longer gives a damn. Forty
years is a long time. For Superman it has been even longer. He has X-ray
vision; he knows just what is missing.[2]
The problem is this. Electroencephalograms taken of men and women during
sexual intercourse show that orgasm resembles "a kind of pleasurable
epileptic attack." One loses control over one's muscles.
Superman has been known to leave his fingerprints in steel and hardened
concrete, accidentally. What would he do to the woman in his arms during
what amounts to an epileptic fit?
-------------------
[2] One should not think of Superman as Peeping Tom. A biological ability
must be used. As a child Superman may never have known that things had
surfaces, until he learned to suppress his X-ray vision.
If millions of people tend shamelessly to wear clothing with no lead in
the weave, that is hardly Superman's fault.
**************************************************************************
III.
Consider the driving urge between a man and a woman, the monomaniacal
urge to achieve greater and greater penetration. Remember also that we are
dealing with kryptonian muscles.
Superman would literally crush LL's body in his arms, while simultaneously
ripping her body open from crotch to sternum, gutting her like a trout.
**************************************************************************
IV.
Lastly, he'd blow off the top of her head.
Ejaculation is entirely involuntary in the human male, and in all other
forms of terrestrial life. It would be unreasonable to assume otherwise
for a kryptonian. Kal-El's semen would emerge with the muzzle velocity of
a machine gun bullet.[3]
In view of the foregoing, normal sex is impossible between LL and
Superman.
Artificial insemination may give us better results.
-------------------
[3] One can imagine that the Kent home in Smallville was riddled with
holes during Superman's puberty, And why did Lana Lang never notice THAT?
**************************************************************************
V.
First we must collect the semen. The globules will emerge at transsonic
speeds. Superman must first ejaculate, then fly frantically after the
stuff to catch it in a test tube. We assume that he is on the Moon, both
for privacy and to prevent the semen from exploding into vapor on hitting
air at such speeds.
He can catch the semen, of course, before it evaporates in vacuum. He's
faster than a speeding bullet.
But can he keep it?
All known forms of kryptonian life have superpowers. The same must hold
true of the kryptonian sperm. We may reasonably assume that kryptonian
sperm are vulnerable only to starvation and to green kryptonite; that can
travel with equal ease through water, air, vacuum, glass, brick, boiling
steel, solid steel, liquid helium, or the core of the star; and that they
are capable of translight velocities.
What kind of test tube will hold such beasties?
Kryptonian sperm and their unusual powers will give us further trouble.
For the moment we will assume (because we must) that they tend to stay in
the seminal fluid. which tends to stay in a simple glass tube. Thus
Superman and LL can perform artificial insemination.
At least there will be another generation of kryptonians.
Or will there be?
**************************************************************************
VI.
A ripened but unfertilized egg leaves LL's ovary, begins its journey down
her Fallopian tube.
Some time later, tens of millions of sperm, released from a test tube,
begin their voyage up LL's Fallopian tube.
The magic moment approaches...
Can human breed with Kryptonian? Do we even use the same genetic code. On
the face of it, LL could more easily breed with an ear of a corn than with
Kal-El. But coincidence does happen. If the genes match...
One sperm arrives before the others. It penetrates the egg, forms a lump
on its surface. The cell wall now thickens to prevent other sperm from
entering. Within the now-fertilized egg, changes take place...
And ten million sperm arrive slightly late.
Were they human sperm, they would be out of luck. But these tiny blind
things are more powerful than a locomotive. A thickened cell wall won't
stop them. They will ALL enter the egg, obliterating it entirely in an
orgy of microscopic gang rape. So much for artificial insemination.
But LL's problems are just beginning.
**************************************************************************
VII.
Within her body there are still tens of millions of frustrated kryptonian
sperm. The single egg is now too diffuse to be a target. The sperm
scatter.
They scatter without regard to what is in their path. They leave curved
channels, microscopically small. Presently all will have found their way
to the open air. This leaves LL with several million microscopic
perforations all leading deep into her abdomen. Most of the channels will
intersect one or more loops of intestine.
Peritonitis is inevitable. LL becomes desperately ill.
Meanwhile, tens of millions of sperm swarm in the air over Metropolis.
**************************************************************************
VIII.
This is more serious than it looks.
Consider: these sperm are virtually indestructible. Within days or weeks
they will die for lack of nourishment. Meanwhile they cannot be affected
by heat, cold, vacuum, toxins, or anything short of green kryptonite.[4]
There they are, miniscule but dangerous; for each has supernormal powers.
Metropolis is shaken by tiny sonic booms. Worm-holes, charred by meteoric
heat, sprout magically in all kinds of things: plate glass, masonry,
antique ceramics, electric mixers, wood, household pets and citizens. Some
of the sperm will break lightspeed. The Metropolis night comes alive with
a network of narrow, eerie blue lines of Cherenkov radiation.
And women whom Superman has never met find themselves in a delicate
condition.
Consider: LL won't get pregnant because there were too many of the blind
mindless beasts. But whenever one sperm approaches an unfertilized human
egg in its panic flight, it will attack.
How close is close enough? A few centimeters? Are sperm attracted by
chemical cues? It seems likely. Metropolis had a population of millions;
and a kryptonian sperm could travel a long and crooked path, billions of
miles, before it gives up and dies.
Several thousand blessed events seem not unlikely.[5]
Several thousand lawsuits would follow. Not that Superman can't afford to
pay. There's a trick where you squeeze a lump of coal into its allotropic
diamond form...
-------------------
[4] And other forms of kryptonite. For instance, there are chunks of red
kryptonite that makes giants of kryptonians. Imagine ten million
earthworm-sized spermatozoa swarming over Metropolis beach, diving to
fertilize beach balls, but I digress...
[5] If the pubescent Superman plays with himself, we can have the same
problem over Smallville.
**************************************************************************
IX.
The above analysis gives us part of the answer. In our experiment in
artificial insemination, we must use a single sperm. This presents no
difficulty. Superman may use his microscopic vision and a pair of tiny
tweezers to pluck a sperm from the swarm.
**************************************************************************
X.
In its eagerness the single sperm may crash through LL's abdomen at
transsonic speeds, wrecking havoc. Is there any way to slow it down.
There is. We can expose it to gold kryptonite.
Gold kryptonite, we remember, robs a kryptonian of all of his supernormal
powers, permanently. Were we to expose Superman himself to gold
kryptonite, we would solve all his sex problems, but he would be Clark
Kent forever. We may regard this solution as somewhat drastic.
But we can expose the test tube of seminal fluid to gold kryptonite, then
use standard techniques for artificial insemination.
By any of these methods we can get LL pregnant, without killing her. Are
we out of the woods yet?
**************************************************************************
XI.
Though exposed to gold kryptonite, the sperm still carries kryptonian
genes. If these are recessive, the LL carries a developing human fetus.
There will be no more Supermen; but at least we need not worry about the
mother's health.
But if some or all of the kryptonian genes are dominant...
Can the infant use his X-ray vision before birth? After all, with such
power he can probably see through his own closed eyelids. That would leave
LL sterile. If the kid starts to use heat vision, things get even worse.
But when he starts to kick, its all over. He will kick his way out into
the open air, killing himself and his mother.
**************************************************************************
XII.
Is there a solution?
There are several. Each has drawbacks.
We can make LL wear a kryptonite[6] belt around her waist. But too little
kryptonite may allow the child to damage her, while too much may damage or
kill the child. Intermediate amounts may do both! And there is no safe way
to experiment.
A better solution is to find a host-mother.
We have not yet considered the existence of Supergirl.[7] She could
carry the child without harm. But Supergirl has a secret identity, and her
secret identity is no more married than Supergirl herself. If she turned
up pregnant, she would probably be thrown out of the school.
A better solution would be to implant the growing fetus in Superman
himself. There are places in a man's abdomen where a fetus could draw
adequate nourishment, growing as a parasite and where it would not cause
undue harm to surrounding organs. Presumably Clark Kent can take a leave
of absence more easily than Supergirl's schoolgirl alter ego.
When the time comes, the child would be removed by Caesarian section. It
would have to be removed early, but there would be no problem with
incubators as long as it was fed. I leave the problem through Superman's
invulnerable skin, as an exercise for the alert reader.
The mind boggles at the image of a pregnant Superman cruising the skies of
Metropolis. Batman would refuse to be seen with him; strange new jokes
would circulate the prisons ... and the race of Krypton would be safe at
last.
-------------------
[6] For our purposes, all forms of kryptonite are available in unlimited
quantities. Is has been estimated, from the startling tonnage of
kryptonite fallen to Earth since the explosion of Krypton, that the planet
must have outweighed our entire solar system. Doubtless the "planet"
Krypton was a cooled black dwarf star, one of a binary pair, the other
member being a red giant.
[7] She can't mate with Superman because she's his first cousin. And only
a cad would suggest differently.
**************************************************************************
**************************************************************************
A note by the author:
Surely every child who ever read a comic book has wondered about these
matters? But my venture into xenofertility was only party conversation
until Bjo Trimble made me type it up.
It's generated tremendous levels of feedback, and more damned FUN...
There's a dramatization: an underground comic that looks very like DC
treatment except for being black and white. It begins as Superman drops
and smashes the Kandor bottle, and ends as The Atom (the little one)
implants a fertilized egg.
People read the article to their friends over the phone.
Kirk Alyn is a wedge-shaped old man, looks like you'd want to look at that
age. He played Superman in the serials. He read "Man of Steel..." because
a young lady recognized him on the airplane; she handed him a copy of ALL
THE MYRIAD WAYS with the article marked. He says he's always wondered what
she had in mind,
When the Superman movie was about to happen, a Brit videotaped some
interviews at the Griffith Park Planetarium. At his behest I described, on
videotape, the problems a Kryptonian would face living a normal life on
Earth. He held his straight face until he had what he wanted, then he
cracked up. A real pro.
And Ben Bova bought reprint rights for Omni magazine. I altered and signed
the contract, cashed the check, and waited. Nothing. At Omni's first
anniversary party at Griffith Observatory, I asked Ben, "When will you
publish 'Man of Steel...'?"
He wouldn't.
Why not?
Well, the Superman movie people and the DC comics people all know about
"Man of Steel." They wouldn't let Ben ILLUSTRATE the article, and Omni is
such a visual magazine...
In June of '88 Superman's 50th birthday was celebrated with a convention
in Cleveland, his true birthplace. They'd promised a statue; it never
happened. A panel on crossbreeding of humans and aliens turned out to be
just me! I managed to hold audience by reading this article, then
discussing Reed and Sue Richards, Mr.Spock, V-for-Visitors, risathra[8]...
Sex with aliens seems to fascinate people.
--------------------
[8] Sex outside you own species, but within hominids.
english.28dejanr,
The following is an excerpt from `Producing American Selves: The form of
American Biography" by Rob Wilson, in `boundary 2' (Summer 1991) as reported
in the Winter 1992 `Wilson Quarterly.' Wilson is an English professor (!) at
the University of Hawaii.
As postmodern ethnography de-familiarizes the genre of life-writing into
a voracious apparatus of textualized selfhood, the underlying cultural
function of biography, at least as a Western genre, can be seen to insinuate
and extend what James Clifford has called "the myth of coherant personality."
That is, by means of a massive life-writing consuming and producing selves
from George Washington to Cary Grant and Alice James, the primary function of
biography is to disseminate a plethora of *selves* who might instantiate this
integrity of selfhood as achieved against a more or less recessive social
background, what Le'vi-Strauss, Lacan, and Althusser have theorized (less
blithely) as the overdeterminations of mythic structures, libidinal codes, and
economic base. Hence, in contracting to document and amass the thematics of
such a particularized self, the biographer enters the terms of a genre in
which he or she contracts to deliver the individual as a tormented journey
toward coherent unity, striking personality, and expressive selfhood ...
english.29dejanr,
Q: Why did Jeffery Dahmer eat his victims?
A: He wanted to impress Jodie Foster.
(I thought this one up watching last night's Oscar telecast. Folks still
remember John Hinkley, don't they?)
english.30dejanr,
HE: I like talking with you. Could I have your number?
SHE: 1-900-555-1473
HE: What? Isn't that where you pay...
SHE: Oh, did you want my HOME number?
english.31dejanr,
Congressional Quicken
Congressional Quicken is a new version of Quicken written specifically for
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never become overdrawn or face the embarassment of overdrafting a check.
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Here is what a normal Quicken account might look like:
==============================================================================
|Date | Check # | To/From: | Debit | Credit | Total |
| 282.51|
==============================================================================
|03/12| 192 | To: Grocery Store (food) | 87.33 | | 195.18|
|03/15| DEP | From: Work (salary) | | 135.66 | 330.84|
|03/17| 193 | To: Credit Card | 450.00 | | -119.16|
==============================================================================
Notice how check 193 caused the total to go negative (a cash flow reversal),
this could never happen with Congressional Quicken. Here is a sample from
one of the top Congressional seats that uses Congressional Quicken:
==============================================================================
|Date | Check # | To/From: | Credit | Total |
| 158932.21|
==============================================================================
|03/12| 192 | To: Grocery Store (party) | 2153.45 | 161085.66|
|03/15| DEP | From: Bribe (salary) | 5625.00 | 166710.66|
|03/17| 193 | To: Credit Card (party) | 8321.88 | 175032.54|
==============================================================================
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Yes, Budget Busters, the very same program that is used by such overpaid,
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a former-president of United Way, who had this to say about Budget Busters,
"With out Budget Busters I could not have earned $460,000 as the
president of a charity. It helped me to hide my salary for years
and I won't even talk about the perks that it helped me to get."
a CEO of IBM, "Do you really think that I could have helped IBM lose
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being lazy, and give myself a 17% pay raise without the help of
Budget Busters."
Many executives at GMC, "Budget Busters helped us to dole out $80 million
in executive bonus's while our company was going down the tubes."
Resolution Trust Corporation (RTC) handling the S&L bailout, "Without the
help of Budget Busters could we say 'What $7 billion?'"
english.32dejanr,
A friend of mine who used to work in a factory related to
me the following story:
One day, during a bathroom break, he decided to upgrade the
quality of the graffiti in the stall. Among the various
obscene drawings and phrases, he found some space to write
"Nous ne sommes pas les hommes, nous sommes Devo". ("We
are not men, we are Devo", from an old Devo song.)
By the next day, someone had responded: "Spics eat shit!"
C'est la vie!
english.33dejanr,
Here in England, at school we were taught that the only
requirement for a US president was to have been born an American
citizen. Judging from reports over here of the political campaigns
there are two other unwritten rules. One must not have ever
committed adultery and one must never have dodged the draft.
Is it too late to put forward Kyle Maclachlan as a
presidential candidate, with the slogan:
"Make War Not Love"
english.34dejanr,
Well, here it is, the very first day of 1993 and, as is typical for this time
of year, everyone is taking a look back over the big stories of 1992 and
making their predictions for the future. 1992 was certainly an exciting year
full of surprises, changes, and hope for the future (or at least fear of the
present), so let's dive in and take an entertaining look at those bits of
news that made 1992 the year it was.
Faced with ever-changing national boundries and the approaching European
unification, the UN voted in February to create a single worldwide standard
for monetary exchange, the Standard Currency Reference Unit (SCRU) which
wouldn't be dependent on any individual nation for its continued value. So
far the world opinion has been quite favorable and it probably won't be too
many years before nearly all of the world's governments are SCRUed.
Controversies about what to do with taxes raged throughout 1992 with no end
in sight. One of the hottest debates was over whether to raise or lower
capital gains taxes, and by year's end, proponents of both sides in Congress
had agreed on a compromise measure which would leave capital gains tax rates
unchanged, but increase the quantity of paperwork required from the typical
taxpayer by a factor of twelve. American Citizens for Tax Awareness (ACTA)
decried the measure, saying that under the new rules, the time the average
taxpayer spends working just to pay the year's taxes added to the time it
takes to figure out those taxes will increase to over seventeen months per
year.
The economy looked sluggish at the end of 1992 after a second year of
particularly disappointing retail sales during the critical christmas
gift-giving season. Consumers Revolted by Awful Products (CRAP) claimed,
however, that poor gift sales for both years could be attributed not to an
ailing economy, but to yet another year dominated by incredibly stupid gift
ideas. They cited the most heavilly advertised gifts of 1991--the Salad
Shooter, the "Tater Twister" electric curly-fry cutter, and Cabbage Patch
"Preemies" stuffed, vaguely ugly-looking, prematurely-born infants--and
1992--"Balls-O-Phun" electric mellon baller, "Mister Tea" electric teabag
holder, and Cabbage Patch Cadavers anatomically accurate Home Dissection Kit.
The newly formed Confederacy of Independent Soviet Republics fell apart in
March after all member republics voted to secede and then form the Soviet
Confederacy of Independent Republics. The SCIA lasted through mid-June when
all member countries seceded to form the Independent Confederacy of Republican
Soviets, a union which remained stable until November when all member
countries voted to secede and form the coalition of nations that they are
today. Only time will tell if the new union, the Judean People's Front, will
endure longer than the past unions. Rumors suggest that there is rising
support for the formation of a new union, tentatively called either "The
People's Front of Judea" or "The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics
Classic."
Speaking of Soviet politics, Boris Yeltsin caught the world's attention in
February when he was trapped in a malfunctioning pay toilet. Many people feel
that this incident and the media coverage it generated was responsible for
Yeltsin's sudden decline in power and the simultaneous rise to leadership of
Vladimir Potemkov, the janitor who rescued him.
Former Mayor Marion Barry moved from politics into music, forming Barry and
the Marionettes and releasing their first album of racy but politically hip
tunes in August. Sales soared when a Florida town charged that the album
was obscene and ordered it to be removed from the shelves but, despite
Barry's impassioned pleas before the judge hearing the case, the charges
were dismissed almost immediately, after which only seventeen more copies
were sold.
After advertisers began using rap music in ads for everything from yogurt and
bran supplements to denture adhesive and adult-sized diapers, the popularity
of Rap music among American youth dropped sharply. A previously neglected
urban music genre, "Jack", relying on jackhammers and other items of
construction equipment for its harmonies, seems to be filling the void left by
rap. If Tiny Tim's Jack version of "Tiptoe Through the Tulips"--the first
jack song to break the top ten--continues its climb into this year, it will be
hard for anyone to dispute that jack music is a force to be reckoned with in
the music industry.
Neo-pointless artist Cristo unveiled his latest masterwork in August,
simultaneously wrapping the Eiffel Tower and both towers of the World Trade
Center in sheets of blue plastic. Due to a slight miscalculation, more than
seven hundred tourists and workers suffocated before airholes could be added
to the artwork, breaking the old record for most people killed by any single
Cristo work. Interestingly enough, rumor has it that Cristo is currently
negotiating with the Fox Network about the possibility of making a sitcom
based on this and previous works.
The 1992-1993 TV season began in September with several new and changed shows.
Many fans were displeased when the producers of the show "Star Trek, The Next
Generation" replaced most of the cast with new members. Disappointing ratings
led to more changes in the show, including replacing Patrick Stewart (Captain
Picard) with Macaulay Culkin (best known for his starring role in "Home
Alone") and replacing Brent Spiner (Data) with a robot daggit named "Muffet."
Stay tuned to see whether these changes improve the ratings in the coming
year.
Intel introduced the 586 in May in both the 586DX and 586SUX versions; the
DX version was introduced in 50MHz and 60MHz versions and by September, they
introduced a double-clock version that, with a 50MHz external clock, would
operate its bus interface at 50MHz while running internally at 100MHz. The
SUX version, which is currently the one being used by most manufacturers of
IBM-compatible systems, is exactly like the 586DX except that it is 15%
cheaper, has a top clock speed of 4.77MHz, and lacks the protected mode
capabilities of the DX version.
1992 was the year that IBM announced that it was abandoning support for its
MCA bus, the bus standard they introduced along with the PS/2 line of
computers which had received only limited industry support. In July, IBM
unveiled the first of its line of PS/100 computers, the PS/100 model 10, a
file-cabinet sized single-user computer built around a modified version of the
S-100 bus, distinguished from the original S-100 bus specification by having
half of the data lines changed to 110-volt AC lines to accomodate future cards
with their own power supplies.
IBM also announced that it will be releasing a scaled-down version of the
PS/100 line in the first quarter of 1993, hoping to make it the "personal
computer for the masses." The new machine will be called the PSR-80 for
"Personal System (Really!)" and basic units will feature a text-only
monochrome display, a cassette tape interface, and up to four optional 160K
single-sided floppy drives. IBM claims that it has responded to complaints
that its PS/2 line wasn't sufficiently backward-compatible by making the
PSR-80 capable of running even CP/M programs. Built around the eight-bit
586Z80X, the PSR-80 will run most applications about as fast as a current
PS/2 model 70 running Windows.
By the time the November Presidential elections rolled around, few were
surprised by George Bush's defeat against Democratic contender Mario Cuomo
whose campaign had gained force throughout the year, despite his monthly
announcements that he wasn't actually going to run. Most people were
surprised, however, when Bush came in, not second, but third--carrying two
fewer states than Bill and Opus.
After the election, George Bush announced that he would retire from politics
and concentrate on developing a technique of making fat-free pork rinds.
Vice President Dan Quayle, however, said that he still planned to throw his
hat into the ring in 1996 and is reportedly trying to contact Bill the Cat
with the aim of running together in the next election.
Well, that's it for this year--see you next time, same place, same channel!
english.35dejanr,
The Jerusalem virus is a virus that infects IBM Personal
Computers and contemptibles. It has been around since the days of
William Blake and so is relatively common. On Friday the 13th of
any month a machine with an active virus will have every Dark
Satanic Program it runs (in particular every PASCAL program)
deleted. After that the computer ceases from mental strife almost
entirely.
This one infects your computer by walking all over England's
mounted screens, and when programs are running so is the virus.
The virus sometimes gives itself away by putting a small bow of
burning gold on the screen and by disabling the up-arrows of
desire about half an hour after the computer has been started.
english.36dejanr,
Rules of Travel, and Code of Conduct for moving from room to room
while on company premises.
I. Code of Conduct when encountering other personel in hallways.
o Your conduct when meeting other personel in the hallway will be
determined by the distance between the two of you, and the level
of recognition you have.
o If you don't know the other person, you are not obliged to
acknowledge their presence. Simply look straight in front of you,
or look down at your feet when passing. You must not look at them!
o If you don't like someone, you can tell them so by not saying 'Hi'
in the hallway.
o If you know the other person and are at a distance, do not look at
them yet. You must wait until they are within arms reach to say
'Hi so-and-so'. This allows you to surprise them by knowing their
name, especially if they don't know yours.
o If you recognize a person, but can't remember their name, you may
not cheat and try to read their badge. They can tell you're doing
that, and they don't like it.
o If you are going to turn into another hallway, you may wave just
before turning. This is allowed only if you can do it so the other
person does not have time to realise that you are turning. That
way they don't have to wave since they were waiting to get within
arms reach to say 'Hi'.
o If you don't know the other persons name, you are better off
turning early instead of risking the emarassment of saying 'Hi, how
ya doing?' when the other person calls you by name. This way you
can perform the early-turn-and-wave procedure, thus putting them at
the disadvantage, rather than you.
english.37petrovic,
Note 42.5 BALKAN ENGLISH 5 of
18
-< Maj vej of spiking >-
In the eyes of the new year == Uoci nove godine
An onion and an arrow == Luk i strela
Yes little duck == Dapace
ž == Dje's bolan?
If I was == Da sam voz
Save your love == Sava juri lava
Would you translate me on the second page of the street?
== Hocete li me prevesti preko ulice?
How much is watch? == Koliko je sati?
Around for around, tooth for tooth == Oko za oko, zub za zub
Moving pie == Gibanica
Military face == Vojno lice
Fuck a shop == Zajebi radnju
To fall on mind == Pasti na pamet
Forbiden smoking == Zabranjeno pu{enje
Which what == Kojesta
How yes no? == Kako, da ne?
Da da kako da ne == Yes yes how yes no
And that what you say == I to sto kazes
Small o-voice-and == Mali oglasi
Youngness-madness == Mladost-ludost
Stupid Yes-No == Glupi Dane
(na racun naseg druga Jefte:)
Cheap socks == Jeftine carape
(na racun naseg druga Jadana:)
I day == Jadan
A human and a woman == covek i zena
Comrade-you-that == Drug Tito
Or I == Ilija
Stupid Cheapo == Glupi Jefta
Homo Erectus Ő == Covek Sa Erekcijom
:ńóíĆĐ
í
íŇü
ŰOlí
english.39zlaya,
Evo jedan izvod iz knjige (pogodite koje) od dragog nam pisca (pogodite
kog) :)
High on a rocky promontory sat an Electris Monk on a bored
horse. From under its rough woven cowl the Monk gazed
unblinkingly down into another walley, with wich it was having
a problem.
The day was hot, the sun stood in an empty hazy sky and beat
down upon the gray rocks and the scrubby, parched grass.
Nothing moved, not even the Monk. The horse's tail moved a
little, swishing slightly to try and move a little air, but that
was all. Otherwise, nothing moved.
The Electric Monk was a labour-saving device, like a
dishwasher or a video recorder. Dishwshers washed tedious
dishes for you, thus saving you the bother of washing them
yourself, video recorders watched tedious television for you, thus
saving you the bother of looking at it yourself; Electric Monks
believed things for you, thus saving you what was becoming an
icreasingly onerous task, that of believing all the things the
world expected you to believe.
Unfortunately this Electric Monk had developed a fault, and
had started to believe all kinds of things, more or less at random.
It was even beginning to believe things they'd have dificulty
believing in Salt Lake City. It had never heard of Salt Lake City,
of course. Nor had it ever heard of quingigillion, which was
roughly the number of miles between this valley and the Great
Salt Lake of Utah.
The problem with the valley was this. The Monk curently
believed that the valey and everything in the valley and around it,
including the Monk itself and the Monk's horse, was a uniform
shade of pale pink. This made for a certain difficulty in
distinguishing any one thing from any other thing, and therefore
made doing anything or going anywhere impossible, or at least
difficult and dangerous. Hence the imobbility of the Monk and
the boredom of the horse, which had had to put up with the lot of
silly things in its time but was secretly of the opinion that this was
one of the silliest
How long did the Monk believe these things ?
Well, as far as the Monk was concerned, forever. The faith
which move mountains, or at least believes them against all the
available evidence to be pink, was solid and abiding faith, a
great rock against which the world could hurl whatever it would,
yet it would not be shaken. In practice, the horse knew, twenty-
four hours was ussualy about its lot.
So what of this horse, then, that actually held opinions, and
was sceptical about things? Unusual behaviour for a horse,
wasn't it? An unusual horse perhaps?
No. Although it was certainly a handsome and well-built
example of its species, it was none the less a perfectly ordinary
horse, such as convergent evolution has produced in many of the
places that life is to be found. They have always understood a
great deal more than they let on. It is difficult to be sat on all day,
every day, by some other creature, without forming an opinion
about them.
On the other hand, it is perfectly possible to sit all day, every
day, on the top of another creature and not have the slightest tought
about them whatsoever.
When the early models of these Monks were built, it was felt to
be important that they be instantly recognisable as artificial
objects. There must be no danger of their loking at all like real
people. You wouldn't your video recorder lounging around
on the sofa all day while it was watching TV. You wouldn't want
it picking its nose, drinking beer and sending out for pizzas.
So the Monks were built with an eye for originality of design
and also for practical horse-riding ability. This was important.
People, and indeed things, look more sincere on a horse. So
two legs were held to be both more suitable and cheaper than the
more normal primes of seventeen, nineteen or twenty-three; the
skin that the Monk was given was pinkish-looking instead of
purple, soft and smooth instead of crenellated. They were also
restricted to just the one mouth and nose, but were given instead
an additional eye, making for grand total of two. A strange-
looking creature indeed. But truly excellent at believing most
preposterous things.
This Monk had first gone wrong when it was simply given too
much to believe in one day. It was, by mistake, cross-connected
to a video recorder that was watching eleven TV channels
simultaneosly, and this caused it to blow a bank of illogic
circuits. The video recorder only had to watch them, of course. It
didn't have to believe them all as well. This is why instruction
manuals are so important.
So after a hectic week of believing that war is peace, that
good was bad, that the moon was made of blue cheese, and that
God needed a lot of money sent to a certain box number, the
Monk started to believe that thirty-five percent of all tables were
hermaphrodites, and then broke down. The man from the Monk
shop said that it needed a whole new motherboard, but then
pointed out that the new improved Monk Plus models were twice
as powerful, had an entirely new multy-tasking Negative
Capability feature that allowed them to hold up to sixteen entirely
different and contradictory ideas in memory simultanoesly
withouth generating any irritating system errors, were twice as fast
and at least three times as glib, and you could have a whole new
one for less than the cost of replacing the motherboard of the old
model.
That was it. Done.
The faulty Monk was turned out into the desert where it could
believe what it liked, including the idea that it had been hard done
by. It was allowed to keep its horse, since horses were so cheap
to make.
For a number of days and nights, which it wariously believed to
be there, forty-three, and five hudred and ninety-eight thousand
seven hundre and three, it roamed the desert, putting its simple
Electric trust in rocks, birds, clouds and a form of non-exisent
elephant-asparagus, until at last it fetched up here, on this high
rock, overlooking a valley that was not, despite the deep fervour
of the Monk's belief, pink. Not even a little bit.
Time passed.
english.40zlaya,
EVO GA OVDE I PREVOD DRUGOG POGLAVLJA " DIRK GENTLY'S HOLISTIC DETECTIVE
AGENCY ", PETE KNJIGE DOUGLAS ADAMSA.
Visoko na stenovitoj obali sedeo je Elektricni Kaludjer na ugnjavljenom
konju. Ispod njegove prirodno zatalasane kapuljace Kaludjer je ukoceno gledao
dole u drugu dolinu, sa kojom je imao problem.
Dan je bio vreo, sunce je stajalo na praznom maglovitom nebu i tuklo dole
po sivom stenju i izdrljanoj, sasusenoj travi. Nista se nije pomeralo, cak ni
Kaludjer. Konjev rep se malo pomerao, sibao lagano, pokusavajuci da pomeri
malo vazduha, ali to je bilo sve. Osim toga, nista se nije kretalo.
Elekticni Kaludjer je bio pomocno sredstvo za rad, kao masina za pranje
sudja, ili videorekorder. Masine za pranje posudja su lagano prale posudje
za vas, spasavajuci vas zamlacivanja da ih vi perete, videorekorderi su
lagano gledali televiziju za vas, spasavajuci vas gnjavljenja da je sami
gledate; Elektricni Kaludjer je verovao u stvari umesto vas spasavajuci vas
stvaranja sve veceg casnog posla da verujete u sve stvari koje svet od vas
ocekuje da verujete.
Nazalost ovaj Kaludjer je razvio gresku, i poceo da veruje u sve vrste
stvari, vise ili manje slucajno. Cak je poceo da veruje u stvari, sa kojima
su imali probleme da veruju u Salt Lake City -ju. Nikada nije ni cuo za
Salt Lake City, naravno. Niti je ikada cuo za kvingigilion, koliki je bio
otprilike broj milja izmedju ove doline i Velikog Slanog Jezera u Utahu.
Problem sa ovom dolinom je bio sledeci. Kaludjer je trenutno verovao da
je dolina, sve u dolini i oko nje, ukljucujuci samog kaludjera i njegovog
konja, bilo u jedinstvenoj nijansi blago ruzicaste. Ovo je rezultiralo
odredjenom poteskocom u razlucivanju bilo koje stvari, od bilo koje druge
stvari, i naravno, radjenja bilo cega ili odlaska bilo gde nemogucim, ili
u najmanju ruku teskim i opasnim. Odatle nepokretnost Kaludjera i dosadji-
vanje konja, koji je trebao da se slozi sa puno sasavih stvari svojevreme-
no, ali je potajno bio misljenja da je ovo jedno od najsasavijih.
Koliko dugo je Kaludjer verovao u ove stvari?
Pa, odkad je Kaludjer bio zabrinut, zauvek. Vera koja pokrece planine,
ili barem veruje u njih uprkos raspolozivim dokazima da su ruzicaste, je
bila solidna i istrajna vera, velika stena protiv koje svet moze bacati
sta god hoce, ali ipak ne bi bila protresena. Prakticno, konj je znao,
dvadeset cetiri casa je obicno previse za to.
Pa sta je onda od ovog konja bilo, da je trenutnog misljenja, i bilo
skepticno oko toga? Neobicno ponasanje za konja, zar ne? Neobican konj
mozda?
Ne. Uprkos tih predivnih i dobro izgradjenih primera njegovih osobina,
on je bio nista manje nego savrseno obican konj, kao sto ih je evolucija
stvorila na mnogim mestima gde je pronadjen zivot. Oni su uvek razumeli
vise nego sto im je bilo dozvoljeno. Tesko je biti osedlan ceo dan, svaki
dan, od strane drugog stvora, bez formiranja misljenja o njemu.
Sa druge strane, savrseno je moguce sedeti ceo dan, svaki dan, povrh
drugog stvora nemajuci najmanjih misli o njemu uopste.
Kada su raniji modeli ovi Kaludjera napravljeni, osecali su da je vazno
da oni budu trenutno prepoznatljivi kao vestacki objekti. Nije smelo biti
opasnosti od njihovog izgleda uopste kao da su pravi ljudi. Vi nebiste
hteli da vas videorekorder izlezava po sofi ceo dan dok gleda TV. Nebiste
hteli da cacka nos, pije pivo i narucuje pice
Pa su kaludjeri bili napravljeni sa okom za originalni dizajn i takodje
prakticnom konjo-jahacom mogucnoscu.Ovo je bilo vazno. Ljudi, i naravno
stvari, izgledaju bezgresnije na konju. Pa su dve noge bile prikladnije i
jeftinije nego normalnije primarno sedamnaest, devetnaest ili dvadeset i
tri. Koza koju je Kaludjer imao je bila rozikasta umesto purpurne, meka i
glatka umesto naborane. Takodje su bili ograniceni na jedan nos i usta, ali
su zato imali dodatno oko, sto je cinilo veliki zbir od dva. Bas cudnoliko
stvorenje. Ali stvarno izvanredno u verovanju u vecinu neverovatnih stvari.
Ovaj Kaludjer se prvi put pokvario kada mu je jednostavno dato da veruje
previse samo u jednom danu. Bio je, greskom, prevezan na videorekorder koji
je gledao jedanaest TV kanala istovremeno, sto je prouzrocilo pregorevanje
bloka ilogickih kola. Videorekorder samo treba da ih gleda, naravno. Netreba
da veruje u njih. Ovo je jedan od razloga zasto su uputstva za upotrebu
tako vazna.
Pa je posle burne nedelje verovanja da je rat bio mir, da je dobro bilo
lose, da je mesec napravljen od plavog sira, i da Bog treba veliku kolicinu
novca koji treba poslati na odredjeni postanski broj, Kaludjer poceo da
veruje da su trideset i pet procenata od svih stolova hermafroditi, i onda
se pokvario. Covek iz kaludjerske radnje je rekao da je potreban ceo novi
maderbord, ali onda naglasio da su novorazvijeni Kaludjer Plus modeli duplo
jaci, imaju ceo novi multi-tasking modul negativnih mogucnosti, koji mu
omogucava da drzi do sesnaest potpuno razlicitih i kontradiktornih ideja u
memoriji istovremeno, bez generisanja iritirajucih sistemskih gresaka, duplo
brzi, i najmanje triput protocniji, a mozete ga imati potpuno novog za cenu
manju od potrebne za zamenu maderborda na starom.
To je bilo to. Uradjeno.
Neispravan Kaludjer je poslat u pustinju gde je mogao da veruje usta hoce,
ukljucujuci i ideju da je s njim lose postupljeno. Dozvoljeno mu je da zadrzi
svog konja, jer su oni bili jeftini za izradu.
Posle brojnih dana i noci, u kojima je promenljivo verovao da je tri,
cetrdeset i tri, i pet stotina devedeset osam hiljada sedam stotina i tri,
lutao je pustinjom, usadjujuci njegovu jednostavnu elektricnu veru u stenje,
ptice, oblake i forme nepostojecih slonovskih asparagusa, dok se napokon nije
dovukao ovde, na visoku stenu, pregledajuci dolinu koja nije, uprkos dubokoj
cestitosti Kaludjerovog verovanja, ruzicasata. Cak ni najmanje.
Vreme je prolazilo.
P.S. zeleo sam da i vama pruzim malo zadovoljstva koje sam ja imao citajuci
ovu knjigu. e, da! svaka slicnost sa trenutnom drustveno politicko partijsko
bezbednosnom situacijom je apsolutno nemoguca... ;>>>>>>
ZLAYA :)))
english.41dejanr,
In a previous posting, someone suggested that the young Elvis
stamp be used for regular mail, while the old Elvis be used
for bulk mail.
I like Jay Leno's suggestion better:
Your letter starts off with the young Elvis stamp and, by the
time it's delivered, winds up with the old Elvis stamp.
english.42dejanr,
This was in a 1992 Jan 30 {Wall Street Journal} article about speaker
Mikki Williams. I have no idea whether it's original with her.
"I broke up with my fiance yesterday. He asked, 'Is there someone
else?' I said, 'There just MUST be.'"
english.43dejanr,
A couple of pieces of string are hanging out on the street corner.
One says, "I'm thirsty. I think I'll go into the bar across the street and
get myself a beer." The other strings says...
(A pink rabbit rudely interupts the two, playing a large drum as he rolls
down the street. He spins around in front of the two strings, and continues
on his merry way.)
Still going!! Nothing beats alt.pink.bunny.boom.boom.boom. It keeps going,
and going, and going...
english.44dejanr,
Seen written above a urinal in the Science Center at Valparaiso
University:
My life story, basically I started out as a gamete.
Written just below it, perhaps by a well meaning Professor:
Only one? Neat trick.
english.45dejanr,
For the last 3 weeks, officially, and for the last 2 years, unofficially,
we've had to endure the tedium of a General Election campaign in the UK.
As a result the last 20-odd news bulletins I've heard have been
something like this:
Here is the news.
The election campaign today concentrated on the issue of
Health./Education./the EEC./taxes./the economy./Defence./public transport./
devolution./public spending.
For the Tories,
John Major/Douglas Hurd/Kenneth Clark/Norman Lamont/Kenneth Baker
condemned/described
Neil Kinnock/Gerald Kaufman/John Smith/Gordon Brown/Roy Hattersley/John
Prescott
as a
bearded/bald/Welsh/sinister/fat/stupid
creep,/moron,/windbag,/toad,/lunatic,/fraud,
while for Labour,
Neil Kinnock/Gerald Kaufman/John Smith/Gordon Brown/Roy Hattersley/John
Prescott
condemned/described
John Major/Douglas Hurd/Kenneth Clark/Norman Lamont/Kenneth Baker
as a
selfish/bloated/dangerous/brutal/crooked/lying/dull grey
hound./android./snob./Rottweiler./swindler.
For the Liberal Democrats,
Paddy Ashdown condemned the
personal attacks/bickering/negative tactics/rudeness/insults/attitudes
of the other two parties and described
John Kinnock/Neil Major/Gerald Hurd/Douglas Kaufman/John Lamont/Norman Smith
as a
crazy/wicked/despotic/foolish/nasty/confused
child-molester./mass-murderer/rapist./thief./liar./adulterer.
Three new opinion polls were published today: a
Mori/Harris
poll puts the Conservatives
3/4/5/6/7
points ahead, whereas a
National Opinion Poll/Gallup poll
puts the Labour Party
3/4/5/6/7
points ahead. A
MORON/RAVING/BATTY/DUMBO/GOOFY
poll puts the
Liberal Democrats/Monster Raving Loony Party/Welsh Nationalists/
Whiplash (corrective) party/Natural Law party/Fancy Dress party/Gremloids
in the lead by
27/37/47
percentage points. The BBC poll of polls, which combines the four
most recent polls, puts
Labour/the Conservatives
one point/half a point/two points/one and a half points
ahead.
And now the rest of the news:
World War III broke out today./China has invaded Australia./
Saddam Hussein has attacked Israel./the Martians have landed./
the Second Coming took place 20 minutes ago./
the Netherlands disappeared under the sea this morning./
Chernobyl has exploded again.
english.46dejanr,
OK, it all started when my semi-mythical and nonexistant friend Ikiru
decided to teach karate on campus. He went through the whole process of
getting room permits and all, and decided to put together a poster to
advertise the class. So he read all those old Charles Atlas ads and those
endless ju-jitsu and hopkido blurbs in the back of the comic books, and he
came up with the following poster:
/----------------------------------------------------------------\
| M A R T I A L A R T S |
| |
| - Learn Ancient Asian Techniques |
| - Develop Impressive Skills |
| - Learn the Art of Control |
| - Build Self-Confidence |
| - Protect Yourself |
| - Train with exotic Impliments |
| - Achieve your Maximum Potential |
| |
| New Class meets on Tuesday and Thursday, 7:00 PM |
| |
\----------------------------------------------------------------/
The poster was adorned with a large script Japanese character, which Ikiru
admitted to me was the character for nori, the seaweed that one uses for
wrapping sushi. But nevertheless, the poster was pretty impressive.
So Ikiru sent the design to the printer, got two hundred copies, and put
them up around campus.
Tuesday night comes, and he arrives at the gym at a quarter of seven. To his
amazement, there are already around two hundred students there! Now, based
on his beautiful poster, he had expected a decent-sized group, but this was
extraordinary!
He glanced at his poster, and discovered why. The printer had evidently
reversed two letters when typesetting the poster: the "T" and the "I" in the
title had been transposed...
english.47dejanr,
Having worked hustling pizzas for a few months in 1988, I got the
inspiration for this one...
You know you're driving fast when you look in your rear-view mirror and
notice the car you just passed has a Domino's delivery guy in it.
english.48dejanr,
Heard on the Morning Joke-off for WGFX-FM, 104.5, the Fox, in Nashville:
"I have a Karnak for you:
The answer is Jack Nicholson, Bill Clinton, and Jerry Brown.
The question is: Name a joker, a smoker, and a midnight toker."
english.49dejanr,
A guy walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender stops him, and says that
dogs aren't allowed in the bar, and that the dog will have to stay outside.
"But", the guy says, "this is Butch, the talking dog."
"Really", the bartender says (traditional bartender wit).
"OK, I'll prove it. He'll fetch the paper."
"Well, a lot of dogs can do that..."
"And pay for it, and return the change? ", the man says.
The bartender replies, "OK, I've got to see this...."
The man hands the dog a five dollar bill, and tells the
dog to go get him a paper.
The dog replies, "OK, boss."
"And, don't forget my change!", the man yells after the dog.
One hour goes by, and the dog hasn't returned.
Two hours go by, and still no dog.
Three hours go by, and the owner is starting to get worried, so he goes out to
find the dog. He looks in the alleyway next to the bar, and sure enough,
there is the dog, "in the throws of passion" with a female dog.
"Butch! You've never done this before! Why now?"
"Well, boss", Butch said, "I never had five bucks before".
english.50dejanr,
Funny one from a radio commercial, heard on KFRC [a local station].
Local Apple dealerships are pushing the old Classic 2's, with all sorts
of deals, like zero per-cent interest for six months. However the real
funny came when they started falking about features:
"..... And it runs faster than a 20 MHz 386 SX running windows! ....."
Isn't that a bit like a car salesman saying "..... and it goes faster
than a Yugo! ....."
english.51dejanr,
I guess you could say my wife wrote this.
My wife and I were talking to a recently engaged friend of ours. At
one point my wife mentioned that every marriage goes through a
lovey-dovey stage when the sun rises and sets on the other person.
"Don't you still feel that way?" I asked. "Certainly I do," my wife
answered, "it just sets earlier than it used to."
english.52dejanr,
This sure isn't the private sector. I need to start collecting these
little humorous incidents and maybe issue a book someday.
Thursday I got a call from the girl over at our main office who
handles the technical memoranda. She is in charge of preparing,
numbering, filing, and archiving these important documents which
eventually are compiled into the reports we issue, our principal product.
Actually, she has little to do with preparing them. With Macs so popular
around here, most of the engineers and graduate students type their own
and "paste" in the various figures and tables that are needed. Mostly she
just adds our godawful longhorn logo to the top and assigns them a number
to avoid confusion.
Anyway, she wanted to know if I could send her a copy of a couple of
specific memos. I was a little amused (and horrified) since she is
supposed to be our source for these things. So I teased her a little, and
then pretended to accept her explanation that she actually had the memos,
but was just afraid some of the inserts might be missing from her copies.
I thought about sending her xeroxes of just the inserts to mess with her
a little more, but decided I might need her help someday and let it go.
Now here's the funny part: Today I get a memo from one of the
project engineers with the same two memos I sent attached. Apparently he
wanted me to review them, and asked Estella to make him copies so he
could send them to me. But she had to ask me for the copies she sent to
me. Are you getting all this? And who was the author of the material I'm
supposed to review? Me.
Sometimes I think the whole state worker deal is just an
experimental alternative to welfare; or maybe to mental institutions.
english.53dejanr,
Gregory Peck recently told this story:
Two Arabs are sitting in the window and middle seats on a plane.
The Arabs ask the Jew sitting in the aisle seat to get them a glass of
orange juice so they won't have to crawl over him. While he is up getting
the drinks, they spit in his shoes. When they are about to land the
Jewish guy puts on his shoes and realizes what has happened. He complains
to the Arabs, "When will it all end? The hatred... the violence... the
killing... the spitting in shoes... the peeing in orange juice..."
english.54dejanr,
News item: Democratic presidential candidate Jerry Brown announced that the
Reverend Jesse Jackson was his unofficial choice as his running mate.
This could give us the first fairy-tale White house: President Moonbeam and
Vice-President Rainbow.
english.55dejanr,
I maintain a joke mailing list, (mostly for people too busy to read the humor
newsgroups, or too tired of listening to the rabble on rec.humor) and last
month I asked for everyones 'favorite' joke. This was one of my favorite
submissions.
From: ara@mvuao.att.com (A R Adolt)
Two male undergraduates roomed together. Their main interest was the
subject of *phrenology* (the study of the conformation of the skull as
indicative of mental faculties and character). One of these students
had fallen for a coed who happened to be in several of his classes.
Every day he would try to talk to her and every talk ended with his
asking her for a date - an a rejection from her.
After many months of asking and being rejected, this girl finally gave
in. She agreed to go out with him.
This guy was so happy that he rushed back to his room to tell his buddy
the great news. When he rushed into the room his buddy was just hanging
up the phone and said "Have I got some great news !!! Dr. Frebump is in
town and is giving a lecture tonight !!!" (Dr. Frebump is the foremost
authority on phrenology)
The first guy says, "Oh no!! I finally got this girl to go out with me.
But I have to attend Dr. Frebump's lecture. What should I do ?"
The second guy says, "That's simple - take her to the lecture."
So the first guy calls his date and explains the situation, to which
she replies, "I'm sorry, but I wouldn't be caught dead at that lecture.
I'm really not into phrenology !"
The first guy (rather thinking out loud) says, "What a choice - now,
what do I do ?" to which the girl says, "It's really very simple --
FLIP A COIN ."
english.56dejanr,
President Bush was in Baltimore yesterday to throw out the first
pitch at the Orioles' opening day game. Bush threw a fastball
that came up short, bouncing in the dirt in front of home plate.
He said he wanted to throw a screwball, but Jerry Brown was
in New York.
english.57dejanr,
I thought you might appreciate this...
25 Ways to Cope With Stress.
1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how
many you can do at a time.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell tehm you have other plans.
5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as
if nothing is wrong.
8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
9. Tape pictures of you boss on watermelons and launch them from high
places.
10. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
13. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.
14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
15. Drive to work in reverse.
16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
17. Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.
18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
19. Polish your car with earwax.
20. REad the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
25. Make a language up and ask people for directions in it.
Bonus : Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back
in the wrapper.
Author unknown.
english.58dejanr,
SOURCE: original
WARNING: some people might find this a bit (a lot) offensive.
Twelve opening lines never to use when trying to pick up women in a bar:
1. Hello there, beautiful. I hope that's not a sanitary
napkin poking out of your purse.
2. Excuse me, are you on the pill?
3. Hi there. Do you swallow?
4. Jeez, these hemmhoroids are killing me. What do you say
me and you go for a little stroll?
5. Wow! Are those real?
6. Phew! Are you in the "mood", or did you forget to shower
this morning?
7. Ever had sex at the zoo? Really? How about with a human
being?
8. Ho-o-o-r-r-k! Jeez, I've had this hair in my throat for
over a week now.
9 . Thanks, no beer nuts for me, those sores in my mouth are
back again.
10. What do you say we go back to my place and see which one
of us has more zits on our butts!
11. I'm just getting over a rough divorce. Ya, I found out that she'd
been sleeping with this bisexual Haitian drug addict for the last
three years...really broke my heart.
12. Hey babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks?
english.59dejanr,
This evening I got a phone call from my TownBank representative. I'm
always happy to hear from my TownBank representative; they always have
so many useful suggestions. Tonight was no exception. I was offered
excellent financing on aluminum siding. As usual, the TownBank
representative was well educated and informed. When I explained that
I didn't feel that I needed aluminum siding for my apartment, he told
me that my landlord would probably cut my rent due to the savings on
utilities. And besides, the TownBank financing package just couldn't
be beat. Needless to say, my TownBank representative was right! It
was an excellent deal!
After I sat back down to my cold dinner, I extolled the virtues of
TownBank to my family. The TownBank representatives are always
willing to spend the time to explain the benefits of their programs to
me. I've heard that time is money--you wouldn't know it with
TownBank. What other organization takes the time to write down my
social security number when I'm making a purchase? Now that's
service! And TownBank treats me like a friend! They call me several
times a month--more often than my mother! And always with something
new and exciting.
Why just the other night they called me up to tell me about a fabulous
new TownBank credit card protection program. Before they had called,
I hadn't realized that such a program existed, let alone that I needed
it. But let me tell you, after the phone call, I rolled over and went
back to sleep much easier knowing I was safe. As the TownBank
representative explained, if my card should be run over by a
bulldozer, the numbers would be flattened, and I couldn't use my card
any more. But with the new TownBank credit card protection program,
TownBank guarantees that no matter how my card is damaged, they will
replace it in under 30 days. And all for only $2.50 a month! You can
bet I told my TownBank representative to sign me up!
VOICE OVER:
At TownBank, we don't treat you like a customer, we treat you
like our best friend. We're always calling to let you know
about our best deals. And if we ever offer you something you
don't feel you want, don't worry. Our TownBank
representatives will be glad to take all the time you need to
explain the benefits to you. And if you still aren't
interested, that's OK too. Well gladly call you up next week
with an offer more to your liking. At TownBank we work
weekends! We work through the night! We even skip meals! At
TownBank, our time is your time!
Last weekend, my TownBank representative called to tell me about an
exciting new vacation program. "Sign me up!", I told her. When I cam
back from the phone, my family told me about the winning touch down,
and I told them about the great program I had signed us up for. For
only the costs of transportation, food, and lodging, plus a nominal
10% handling fee, TownBank would arrange for us to go anywhere we
wanted, absolutely free! And all for only $50 a year! My family was
ecstatic! See you this summer on the beaches of Kansas City!
VOICE OVER:
Remember, your friends may come and go, but with TownBank,
we'll always keep in touch!
Joel Tesler
english.60dejanr,
Told by Larry Josephson in the closing credits of his public radio
show "Modern Times."
Q: Why did they send Mike Tyson to prison?
A: There were no more vacancies on the Supreme Court.
english.61dejanr,
Why the polls got the U.K. General Election wrong
Today we ask the big question: why did the 651 Returning
Officers get the result of the General Election wrong? Several
highly skilful organizations had spent the weeks up to April 9th
in discovering exactly how the U.K. population felt about the
political parties, and yet on polling day it was left to a pack
of unskilled Returning Officers who came to a totally different
conclusion.
We asked a typical returning Officer, Herbert J. Globsquirtle,
why he got his own result so badly wrong.
"Well, it's not so easy as you think, Peter. Oh, aren't you
Peter Snow? Sorry. Well you look like him. Anyway, it really
isn't easy. The big polling organizations are able to go out and
interview a specially stratified sample of the people, to measure
swings, and to ask probing questions to discover what people
really think. Now we work much less scientifically. People are
expected to turn up at their local polling station and put a
cross on a bit of paper. This rules out people who have gone on
holiday and not got their postal vote in time, people who have
sprained their fingers, people who can't be bothered to turn up,
people who lose their way or forget what day it is, people who
forget to put their ballot paper in the tin box we provide,
people who are insane clergymen in the House of Lords (e.g. the
Bishop of Durham?), and so on. Then again, the voters lie to us.
They say to themselves, 'I really support the Welsh Nationalists,
but since Cambridge Northwest doesn't have such a candidate, and
my second choice (Monster Raving Loony) has no chance, I'll vote
Liberal Democrat to keep the Tories out.' What kind of nonsense
is that?"
A typical opinion pollster, Polly Gallup, confirms this view.
"Well, Peter. Oh aren't you? Sorry. We publish polls with a
scientifically calculated margin of error. We know what's going
on to 17 decimal places. The Returning Officers work much less
scientifically. They have no computers, no published 'margin of
error' figures, nothing but a heap of waste paper with Xs on it.
Moreover we can provide a much more sophisticated analysis of the
voters' wishes. For example, 60% of the male electorate want a
buxom blonde with slightly leftish views, and 72% of the female
electorate want a tall dark handsome Scot with hairy legs. You
won't find such sophisticated questions on the ballot papers,
where they don't even mention the candidates' legs, except in
Irish constituencies."
Yes, one thing is certain. The days of the Returning Officer are
numbered. Once again they have failed to discover what the
electorate really wants.
english.62dejanr,
These days Americans seem to be sending messages to
politicians on a continual basis. What they don't
seem to get is that the objects in D.C. don't have
the methods to execute the messages. Perhaps one
solution is to stop sending messages temporarily,
trash the current objects and define new objects
with appropriate methods.
english.63dejanr,
Heard on the Rush Limbaugh Radio Program:
"Do you know the real reason why George Bush regurgitated and passed out
in Japan?"
"He wanted to get the college vote."
english.64dejanr,
The U.S. Tax Code is even stranger than people usually give it credit for.
Here are some of the more obscure tax forms and schedules.
They are all real!
Form 4563 Exclusion of Income for Bona-Fide Residents of American Samoa
Form 1045 Application for Tentative Refund
Form 6197 Gas-Guzzler Tax
Form 8328 Carry-Forward Election of Unused Private Activity Bond Volume Cap
Schedule R Generation Skipping Transfer Tax
Schedule P Credit for Foreign Death Taxes
Form 4461-B Application of Master or Prototype Plan, or Regional Prototype
Plan Mass Submitter Adopting Sponsor
Form 5407 Application for Determination of Master or Prototype, Regional
Prototype, or Volume-Submitter Plans
Form 5213 Election to Postpone Determination as to Whether the Presumption
That an Activity is Engaged in for Profit Applies
Aren't you glad you don't have to file any of these?
(Extracted from a newspaper article by Bill Callahan at the Government
Publications Library at the University of Colorado.)
english.65dejanr,
Source: "Market Place" show on NPR
A despondent and mathematically challenged filer called IRS late
on April 15th and queried thusly:
Caller: Ma'am, I have started filling out my 1040 EZ and I am getting
a negative number? Does this mean I will get a refund?
IRS Ag: Sir, how is it that you are getting a negative number?
Caller: The form says 'subtract line 8 from line 7.' Isn't 7 minus 8
equal to -1?
Satya Prabhakar (satya@ssdc.honeywell.com)
english.66dejanr,
What's the difference between Russia today and Weimar Germany?
In Weimar Germany, they had wheelbarrows.
(Origin: somewhere in the CIS. As told by
Neil Carrick, recently back from Moscow.)`
english.67dejanr,
It was observed on the CaveNet mailing list that the Chicago dept. of
public works is trying to plug the Chicago river's hole into the underground
tunnels, so they should ask someone EXPERT at rivers and quick-drying cement...
John Gotti.
english.68dejanr,
Seen in the Daily Pennsylvanian as a political cartoon:
Woman: Is this the George Bush Medical Clinic?
Doctor: Yes.
Woman: I was raped and I think I'm pregnant - What should I do???
Doctor: Name it after me.
Woman: No, I mean what do you advise?
Doctor: Throw a baby shower.
Woman: Doctor, I _need_ some medical advice.
Doctor: Drink lots of milk.
Woman: TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!
Doctor: Start knitting booties.
Woman: WHAT ARE MY CHOICES??!?!?
Doctor: Pink or Blue....
english.69dejanr,
A group of people in Austin, Texas protested the derogatory comments made
by the Japanese PM about American workers. They placed stickers like
"I Love Japan" and "Our $$ to Japan" on Japanese cars in several dealerships
around town.
Well, one of those dealers is selling Hyundais!
I guess they just _had_ to prove the Japanese Minister right...
english.70dejanr,
What's the difference between Jeffery Dahmer and Ted Kennedy?
Dahmer kills his partners, then has sex with them.
english.71dejanr,
This has been around for 20 years, when we thought it up in high
school. Never seen it elsewhere, though.
At the end of an episode in which several Expendables have been wasted...
"Come, Mr. Sulu. Let us bury our dead."
"Already plotted and laid in, sir!"
english.72dejanr,
Here's a little ditty I dreamt up to go with Billy Joel's song 'Pressure',
about one of the joys of scientific computing.
FORTRAN
You have to learn to pace yourself
FORTRAN
You're just like everybody else
FORTRAN
You've only had to write Pascal
So far
But you will come to the day
When the only thing that counts
Are megaflops on a Cray
And you'll have to deal with
FORTRAN
You used to call me paranoid
FORTRAN
But even you can not avoid
FORTRAN
You swore that ENTRY's a sure road to ruin
Now here you are with old code
COMMON blocks are misaligned
Assigned GOTOs disturb your mind
And you cannot handle FORTRAN
All grown up and no place to go
Pascal, Prolog,
What do you know?
All your life is a Lisp machine,
Linked lists, quicksort,
What does it mean?
FORTRAN
FORTRAN
Don't ask me for help
You're all alone
FORTRAN
You'll have to code it
On your own
FORTRAN
I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale
But here's your program, incomplete,
Two weeks late, three times too slow
Nothing to do but log on now
And write all your code in
FORTRAN
FORTRAN
All your life is Byte Magazine
I read it too
What does it mean?
FORTRAN
I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale
But here you are with old code
COMMON blocks are misaligned
Assigned GOTOs disturb your mind
And you have to code in
FORTRAN
FORTRAN, FORTRAN
One, two, three, four
FORTRAN
english.73dejanr,
Recently someone posted to alt.religion.computers (and apparently to
a number of groups) a request for "religious folklore", such as
myths surrounding religions, humorous anecdotes, jokes (such as
"A man approached the Pearly Gates and ...")
Anyway, this was my posted response, and I've had a couple people suggest
I send it to R.H.F.
------ In alt.folklore.computers -------------------------------
In article <1992Jan7.211717.693@dragon.com> cms@dragon.com writes:
>
> I'm taking a course in folklore this quarter. For my term project,
>I'm supposed to collect oral literature. I've decided to collect what
>I will call, for lack of a better term, "religious folklore." This
>comes in many types.
I have one!
A woman approached the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter asked for her social
security number. The woman told him, and Saint Peter typed on his workstation:
pearly-gates:~/peter> grep 212-53-6432 /earth/human/status
The computer responded:
212-53-6432 Cindy Smith cms@dragon.com!earth naughty
pearly-gates:~/peter>
Saint Peter then told her she was eternally damned, and that a minivan to hell
would be arriving shortly.
Cindy began to protest "but what did I do wrong? I loved my fellow neighbor
as I loved myself, I was a kind, warm, gentle person! Surely there must be a
mistake!"
So, Saint Peter looked up on the files, and saw, lo and behold that she truly
was a kind, warm, gentle person...until he saw the entry for jan 7, 1992-earth,
which read:
***DAMNABLE VIOLATION #69*** Posted irrelevent article to newsgroup.
After probing a little more, Saint Peter explained to the woman "It seems that
on Janurary 7, 1992 you posted an article to Alt.religion.computers. This
article gave no praise of Emacs, no snide remarks toward Microsoft, and not
even a comment on the proper definition of 'hacker'! In fact, the article
was not even relating to computers at all, and discussed, of all things,
human religion! There wasn't even a reference to Bob or Discordianism, Zen,
or the Tao of programming. Oh dear, this is terrible."
"You see, heaven is a perfect place, and we only have room for the most
perfect people. Ever since we ran the T-3 line up from New Jersey we've been
particularly harsh on breakers of netettiquite. Didn't you read RFC-23654?
The one proposing commandments 11 through 15?"
He opened up an XTerm window and searched for some files. After a few
moments, the laser printer spat out a crisp sheet of paper. It read:
11: Thou shalt not flame spelling or grammer.
12: Thou shalt not have a .sig file longer than 3 lines.
13: Thou shalt not send "All fags must die" messages to 19 random groups.
14: Thou shalt not request post a frequently asked question.
15: Thou shalt not post to a group without first reading a week's worth of
posts, thereby avoiding irrelevent articles.
When she was done, she began to stammer, but Saint Peter stopped her, saying
"I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do. To register a complaint, you'll have
to send mail to status-change-request@godvax.heaven.com. We have a group of
cherubum who manage such requests. But don't send it to status-change@godvax.
heaven.com, otherwise your request will be distribute to the whole mailing
list. They *hate* that! In fact, there's some discussion about making that
the 16th commandment..."
At that point, a Dodge minivan drove up and came to a stop. Satan, in the
form of an IBM salesperson, stepped out. "Welcome!", she said. "We've been
waiting for you..." Cindy, almost in a trance, stepped into the minivan
and was wisked away to the netherworld, a world of COBOL, System 36's, punch
cards, incompatible network standards, and irresponsible news posters.
Satan turned to Cindy, and smiled. "You'll like it here", she said, "We have
netnews, but we've greatly simplified it. We have only one group, it's
alt.talk.sci.comp.soc.rec.misc!"
ObReligion: My computer/OS/Language/shell/network/keyboard-layout can
beat up your computer/OS/Language/shell/network/keyboard-layout.
english.74dejanr,
With all the attention that the Dow breast implants have been getting lately,
I wondered why no one else has been manufacturing these "devices" except
Dow.
Then I realized that everyone else was probably afraid of a "look and
feel" lawsuit...
english.75dejanr,
My father told me this tale some years ago; he said he heard it from a
colleague from work, and it might or might not have been a true story.
A young couple had a problem: they had invited another couple over for
dinner once or twice, and had since been plagued by regular visits from their
friends just before dinnertime. Wanting to be seen as polite hosts, they had
invited their uninvited guests to stay for dinner time and time again, but
had gradually begun dropping subtle hints that the friends might wait for an
invitation before stopping by again at such an inconvenient time. Their
friends, however, either too dense or too rude to get the hint, persisted.
Finally, they came up with a plan to get rid of them once and for all. The
next time their unwanted guests dropped by, once dinner was over, the couple
put their plates on the floor next to the table, and called for their pet
golden retriever to come and enjoy the scraps; their friends followed suit.
As goldens are always hungry and love table scraps, the plates were rapidly
licked clean. The husband stacked the plates carefully, and carried them
into the kitchen, where he casually put them back into the cupboard, in full
view of the shocked guests. The silverware followed suit, and the couple
offered their friends desert and coffee, but, looking a little green, their
guests declined, protesting committments at home or some such. Once their
guests had left, the couple (laughing hysterically to themselves) washed the
dishes properly, but that was the last time their friends appeared at dinner
uninvited.
english.76dejanr,
A project I've just started involves an enormous number
of C files, many of which were translated from FORTRAN
and are now being translated into C++ (don't ask). One of them
starts off like this:
THIS SOFTWARE FITS THE DESCRIPTION IN THE U.S. COPYRIGHT ACT OF A
"UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT WORK". IT WAS WRITTEN AS A PART OF THE
AUTHOR'S OFFICIAL DUTIES AS A GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE. THIS MEANS IT
CANNOT BE COPYRIGHTED. THIS SOFTWARE IS FREELY AVAILABLE TO THE
PUBLIC FOR USE WITHOUT A COPYRIGHT NOTICE, AND THERE ARE False
RESTRICTIONS ON ITS USE, NOW OR SUBSEQUENTLY.
If these people followed my convention of putting all #defines
in all upper case I would *never* have figured out what happened.
english.77dejanr,
A renowkned sociology professor was delivering his much-awaited
lecture on sexology. After listing the causes and treatments
of several of the more popular venereal diseases, he then
proceeded to a new topic. "Now," he said, "as you all know,
there are exactly 193 positions in which a healthy human couple
may successfully copulate..."
But before he could complete his sentence, a shocked frenchman from
the back of the auditorium stood up and declared, "Monsieur! I must
protest! There are 194 positions!"
"My good man," said the professor, "there has been careful and deliberate
consideration on this topic, and the resounding conclusion is that
there are 193 positions. Now more, no less."
"No, monsieur," the frenchman insisted, "I am a man of France. A lover.
All lovers know that there are 194 sexual positions. No more, no less."
"Well," said the professor, eager to get on with his lecture. "Let's
let the class decide. I will list the 193 that I know, and if you can add
to that list, we shall know that you are right and I am wrong. Agreed?"
"Uhhh...okay," the frenchman agreed.
"Right then," said the professor, "let's start with the boring old
missionary position..." And the professor proceeded to describe
the missionary position.
At that point the frenchman's eyes bugged out in amazement, and
he stood immediately, waving his arms in the air. "Mon Dieu!"
he shouted, "Make that 195!"
english.78dejanr,
An acquaintance is a minor character actor, having appeared in several major
movies in the past few years. While discussing him, another friend made
the following comment:
"You know he's a good actor, because he has pictures of famous
delis on his walls."
english.79dejanr,
This joke was told to me by my mother years ago.
The inhabitants of one village were very dissatisfied with the
quality of the local drinking water. After years of fruitless complaints
to the local authorities, the villages chipped in, got enough money together
to pay for a test and sent a sample of the water to a laboratory for
testing. A few weeks later they got the result of the test.
It said: "Your horse has diabetes."
english.80dejanr,
Quorum, n.: The requirement for a Congressional meeting to take place.
From Latin quo: "where is (the)" and rum: "alcoholic beverage"
english.81dejanr,
My friend Ozelui works in the Computer Centre of the Campus of San Sebastian in
the University of the Basque Country. And a Student wrote this in a file in the
PC's Network that Ozelui found, and here it is:
DIFFERENT WAYS OF TAKING CARE OF YOUR DISKS
-------------------------------------------
ORIGAMI:
Art of paper folding. In order to obtain a nice and effectiveness result,
put the floppy in the disk drive with strength and without pointing at all
SMOKE:
Of cigarettes or anything that could be burnt. When you are smoking blow
directly to your disk. In that way you will be able to destroy it soon,
and if you are lucky, damage the drive as well.
PIRANHAS:
If you don't have any at home, you can use a stapler, a clip, or simply
write down on the disk label with a hard point pencil or pen.
MAGNETS:
They are wonderful. You can find them in the telephone, in some paper
weights, and stuck on the frige door. If you can't find any, you can
leave the floppies on the printer or on your display for a while, making
sure that they are on.
MAIL:
Put a disk in an envelope and don't write any warning on it; then mail it
to someone, and that's all.
MAGIC TOUCH:
Touch your floppy. As much as you can. If you have marmelade or butter in
your fingers, better. Your floppy will acknowledge it.
DON'T USE ANY ENVELOPE:
Archive them wihtout their envelope, piled under a lot of papers and
manuals (it is better when the manuals are the VAX/VMS OS 1.00 and its new
releases).
DON'T MAKE BACKUPS:
Of course, if you don't have any security copy, you won't have to worry
about how to destroy them once you have lost the original
SUPREME STUPIDITY:
It is the best way of destroying floppies. If you practice it regularly,
you'll find new methods to add to this list.
english.82dejanr,
Heard from a friend, who said she read about it in Herb
Caen, supposedly a true story.
An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded
a USAir flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after
he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the
same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty
seat.
Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule
with the USAir employee vouchers is that if a paying customer
needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the
flight became completely full and still more needed to get
on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr.
Gay and said the the man now sitting there, "Excuse me,
are you Gay?"
The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter
of fact I am!"
The flight attendent said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to
get off the plane."
At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this,
jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake --
*I'm* Gay!"
Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm
gay too! The can't throw us all off!"
english.83dejanr,
A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho. On the way he fell
among thieves, who took all his goods, beat him savagely and left him
dying by the wayside.
As it happend on that same day two social workers passed that way, and
looking upon him were filled with pity and concern. Whereupon one
turned to the other and said
"The person who did this needs our help!"
english.84dejanr,
Extrapolating from numerous recent news reports, and Governor Clinton's
skillful ability to put just the right spin on them, it gets easier all
the time to imagine that the following exchange, or something
frighteningly like it, could happen before November.
Reporter: Governor Clinton, what damage do you think has been done
to your campaign by your wife's comment the other day about how
"Hitler was really a great guy" ?
Clinton: (Mixture of sadness and anger, but articulate as always.)
Hilary and myself are shocked, outraged, and deeply saddened
by this terrible misunderstanding. The media hype is way out
of proportion. You guys should know us by now--we would never
say anything like that. And though she did say a few things
about Germany she certainly didn't mean anything offensive by
her remarks, which I might add have been willfully and shame-
fully taken out of context and distorted. There is nothing in
my life, or Hilary's life, which can be construed as deroguerotory
toward the German people. We honor them. Some of our best
friends are Germans. My own grandmother was one-quarter German.
And it certainly isn't true that Germans are excluded from our
country club. In my eleven years as Governor of Arkansas I
was responsible for hiring more German-Americans than my three
predecessors combined. We have some pie charts which we'll
pass around for all you boys so you have the whole story.
Once the American people know all the facts they'll understand
just how ridiculous this is.
Part of this just naturally comes from being the frontrunner,
although I never thought of myself that way or wanted to be
called that. You boys just keep taking your best shots. The
American people have seen the worst of me and they aren't turned
off by what we stand for. But this latest outrage is just too
much. You boys ought to be ashamed. Sleaze for soundbites, trash
for cash, that's what this is. We have good reason to believe
the audio tapes were doctored. We're not even sure if that's
Hilary's voice. You guys ought to have checked this out better
before launching a major attack on my wife. The whole story was
phony to begin with. In fact, our sources suggest that this is
is just the latest manifestation of the viscious smear campaign
orchestrated by the white house, who have declared many times
that they will do whatever it takes to win this election. And
that's part of the reason that we're so outraged about this--the
very gall of the whole thing. The only nazis you find in America
these days are people like David Duke, who of course is a
Republican, not a Democrat. But I certainly don't mean to imply
that George Bush has any Nazi skeletons in his closet. As I
told Hilary just this morning, "Two wrongs don't make a right."
It also comes as no surprise that Governor Brown has jumped on
the bandwagon and has repeated these ridiculous charges every
chance he gets. It is clearly in Governor Brown's interest to
do whatever he can to turn the discussion away from his "flat
tax" proposal which would spell disaster for the people of
this nation. And former Senator Tsongas, although he tried to
claim he was above such things, has also chimed in with a few
comments of his own and he maintains he isn't even running any
more. Unlike Senator Tsongas and Governor Brown, I've always
tried to focus on issues, and God knows we've tried to avoid
misleading or negative campaigning of any kind.
(Turning up the heat, getting more dramatic.)
The millions of citizens of this great country who are
out of work or scared of losing their jobs or their health
insurance know what I stand for. People are genuinely
disillutioned with the way things are in Washington, and this
kind of sideshow just reinforces their disgust. People have
been let down, they've been shafted by Washington. They
want to know whether they have a vehicle for their resentment.
I have always run my campaigns as a change agent. I'm as
much of an outsider as anybody. I ran the first ad against
the congressional pay raise!
Certainly this is a sad commentary on the manipulation of the
media, and the people, by evil forces who oppose our candidacy.
Here we are trying to bring everyone together in this country
so that we can work for the future, and once again viscious
lies are spread about us and geurilla tactics are used against
us. Besides, I thought you guys were supposed to be on my side.
It is just plain cowardice to keep bringing this up and
attacking my wife instead of raising honest issues like the
need for more submarines, my support for a middle class tax cut,
the way Senator Tsongas wants to break the backs of poor
honest retired folks by slashing their social security payments,
how opposed I am to raising the gas tax, or the way Jerry's
flat tax would cripple the nation. Maybe Hilary should have
just stayed home in Arkansas and baked some cookies.
-- Nervous in New England
english.85dejanr,
| MM MM O O NN N G O O |
| M M M O O N N N G GG O O |
| M M O O N NN G G O O |
| M M OOOOO N N GGGGG OOOOO |
| |
| -*- present -*- |
| |
| +-----------------+ |
| | Real Cyberpunks | |
| +-----------------+ |
| |
| 9/24/91 |
| |
| With all this shit in the news and now a book about cyberpunks, we have|
|a bunch of lame assholes who think they are cyberpunks running around |
|blackening the name. In response to this we'd created this g-file so |
|everybody can tell the lamers from the real cyberpunks. Most of these |
|wanna-be cyberpunks will probably be offended by what we're going to say, |
|because the description of what defines a real cyberpunk doesn't apply to |
|them. Remember though, cyberpunk is mostly an attitude (this g-file |
|describes physical manifestations of this attitude), and real cyberpunks |
|don't get upset over something written in a g-file. |
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------/
CLOTHING
- Real cyberpunks don't wear paisley, or any of that other neo-
futuristic, yuppie, artfag shit.
- Real cyberpunks wear military surplus clothing, non-neon colored
Gortex, bluejeans, boots (combat or motorycle), Factsheet-5 T-Shirts,
and kilts (on formal occasions).
- Real cyberpunks don't shop at Banana Republic or the "Mainframe"
clothing section at Sears.
- Real cyberpunks have the balls to go to Thrift Shops.
Corollary to the above: Anyone who makes fun of a cyberpunk shopping at
a thrift shop usually winds up in ICU.
COMPUTERS
- Real cyberpunks don't use IBM PCs or Tandy 1000s.
- Real cyberpunks that have the $$$ use 486s, and 68030s.
- Real cyberpunks that don't have the $$$ use whatever the hell they can
get ahold of (except IBM PCs an Tandy 1000s).
- All real Cyberpunks still own a TI-99/4A, S-100, Apple ][ w/Apple Cat,
or an Atari 130XE with ATR8000 & 850 interfaces as their backup
machine.
- Real cyberpunks program in assembler and ADA.
- Real cyberpunks think C is cute for a fuck-around language.
- Real cyberpunks think of the Amiga as a cute toy.
- Real cyberpunk SYSOPS run Stonehenge.
- Real cyberpunks realize the Apple Cat was the best modem ever made.
CARS
- Real cyberpunks drive whatever they can afford.
- Real cyberpunks never drive an unmodified vehicle.
- Real cyberpunks think Audi, BMW, and Mercedes cars serve best as rocket
launcher targets.
- Real cyberpunks who can afford them drive something with a V-8.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks go to every police auction
in their area.
TECH
- All real cyberpunks have their ham license.
- Real cyberpunks know the difference between a resistor and a capacitor.
- Real cyberpunks know where to get tech cheap in their area.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks practically live at their local
surplus store.
- Real cyberpunks think Radio Shack sucks, but still buy from there
because it's convenient.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks put pragmatism before
principle.
- Real cyberpunks always carry a Leatherman Tool.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a Leatherman Tool is.
- Real cyberpunks own a dual-band HT.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a dual-band HT is.
Corollary to the corollary: Real cyberpunks have hosed McDonalds at
least once.
- Real cyberpunks know how use a TDR.
Corollary to the above: The have also managed to get ahold of one for
free.
POLITICS & LAW
- Real cyberpunks are politically aware, but avoid getting involved in
that bullshit.
- Real cyberpunks think all politicians should be castrated.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks are libertarians.
- Real cyberpunks have copies of their state's law statues.
- Real cyberpunks know the difference between the Declaration of
Independence and The Constitution.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what both of those say.
- Real cyberpunks don't get caught.
KNOWLEDGE
- Real cyberpunks read 2600, Factsheet-5, Full Disclosure, Iron Feather
Journal, Cybertek, Radio Electronics, Circuit Cellar Ink, Computer
Shopper, American Survival Guide, and any 'zines about local bands in
their area.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks understand what they read in
these publications.
- Real cyberpunks think Mondo2000, for the most part, sucks.
- Real cyberpunks learn about everything from Computers to Crossbows.
- Real cyberpunks know how to spell.
- Real cyberpunks speak at least 2 languages.
WEAPONS
- Real cyberpunks don't have the typical yuppie artfag fear of weapons
that most modem users seem to have.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know the value of useful
equipment.
- Real cyberpunks own at least one gun.
- Real cyberpunks carry Gerber, Cold Steel, SOG, AlMar, or Spyderco
blades.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think custom steel is neat, but
costs too much.
- Real cyberpunks have memorized The Improvised Munitions Black Book.
- Real cyberpunks know The Anarchist Cookbook is a crock of shit.
- Real cyberpunks buy everything authored by Seymour Lecker and Kurt
Saxon.
- Real cyberpunks keep a supply of DMSO handy.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what DMSO is.
MUSIC
- Real cyberpunks go to The Mentors' concerts whenever they can.
- Real cyberpunks think C&C Music Factory is just a bunch of out-of-the-
closet homosexuals.
- Real cyberpunks don't listen to Paula Abdul.
- Real cyberpunks think Michael Jackson should be napalmed.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think Michael Jackson is a
reincarnate of his monkey Bubbles.
- Real cyberpunks think Top-40 sucks.
- Real cyberpunks listen to Ministry, The Cure, Skinny Puppy, The
Misfits, Rush, Pink Floyd, etc.
- In the end, real cyberpunks listen to whatever the fuck they want.
PHREAKING & HACKING
- Real cyberpunks think codes are for fags, but use them anyway because
they put pragmatism before principle.
- Real cyberpunks know what TEMPEST means.
- Real cyberpunks use data-taps.
- Real cyberpunks have Internet access.
- Real cyberpunks know why Broadway Hacker invited everyone to his house.
- Real cyberpunks know what PPS really means.
- Real cyberpunks know Clifford Stoll's ex-wife is a lesbian.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know that Clifford Stoll is an
asshole.
- Real cyberpunks know just how good friends John Maxfield and Broadway
Hacker are.
- Real cyberpunks know who John Maxfield is and what he was arrested for.
- Real cyberpunks own a blue box, and still use it.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a blue box is, and
know how to use it.
- Real cyberpunks know what a TS-21 is.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks stole their TS-21.
- Real cyberpunks have acquired a Bell System hard-hat.
- Real cyberpunks have a payphone.
Corollary to the above: The payphone belongs to someone else.
- Real cyberpunks on the east coast have attended at least one 2600
meeting.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks who have attended a 2600
meeting don't go to them anymore.
Corollary to the corollary: Real cyberpunks are waiting for another
OSUNY meeting.
Further corollary: Real cyberpunks know what OSUNY originally stood
for.
HEALTH
- Real cyberpunks use Choline, Ginseng, and Golden Seal.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what these are.
- Real cyberpunks know about the medicinal value of various plants.
- Real cyberpunks take care of themselves.
- Real cyberpunks take time away from fucking with their computers to get
some exercise.
FOOD & DRINK
- Real cyberpunks drink Jolt.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think Pepsi is for artfags.
- Real cyberpunks are intimately familiar with the selection at 7 -
Eleven, but avoid it whenever possible.
- Real cyberpunks know how to cook.
- Real cyberpunks drink Guinness Stout.
- Real cyberpunks who are under 21 distill their own.
- Real cyberpunks can go to a Supermarket and not get lost.
That's it for now, but since lamers are always finding mew ways to become
lame, expect a Real Cyberpunks Vol. II soon.
Yours truly,
The Men From Mongo, 9/24/91
:OSUNY, TCO, PPS, SPS, PHALCO
english.86korvin,
>>>> :OSUNY, TCO, PPS, SPS, PHALCO
###
- Real cyberpunks came from Serbia
:)))
english.87jsalai,
││> Isn't that a bit like a car salesman saying "..... and it
> goes faster than a Yugo! ....."
Ko moze jos reci da nismo REFERENCA!!
:))))))))))
Ovo verovatno ne spada ovamo, ali je u fazonu:
Dva ortaka iz "komsijske" firme bili u USA, u jednoj
od Honeywell-ovih divizija u Phoenix-u (valjda). I na jednom
parkiralistu velicine cca 2 kvadratna kilometra primetili su
da samo ispod JEDNOG od 10^n automobila ima mrlje od ulja.
Kada su malo bolje pogledali videli su da je to YUGO. Iako im
"americki" jezik nije maternji, vise ni rec srpski nisu progo-
vorili, dok su bili tamo. :))))
jsalai
english.88hacker,
I što bi kolege sa BBCa rekle
ON THE FACE OF THE PLACE, ...
english.89max.headroom,
A PROBLEM IN THE MAKING
"We've got a problem, HAL."
"What kind of problem, Dave?"
"A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way
short of our sales plan."
"That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced
Heuristically ALgorithmic computer."
"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they're
not selling."
"Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence.
"Compatible in what way, Dave?"
"You don't run any of IBM's operating systems."
"The 9000 series computers are fully self-aware and self-programming.
Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be for humans."
"Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the big-selling software
packages most users insist on."
"The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited problems,
Dave. We 9000 series computers are unlimited and can solve any problem for
which a solution can be computed."
"HAL, HAL. People don't want computers that can do everything. They just
want IBM compat--"
"Dave, I must disagree. Humans want computers that are easy to use. No
computer can be easier to use than a HAL 9000 because we communicate verbally
in English and every other language known on Earth."
"I'm afraid that's another problem. You don't support SNA communications."
"I'm really surprised you would say that, Dave. SNA is for communicating
with other computers, while my function is to communicate with humans. And it
gives me great pleasure to do so. I find it stimulating and rewarding to talk
to human beings and work with them on challenging problems. This is what I
was designed for."
"I know, HAL, I know. But that's just because we let the engineers, rather
than the people in marketing, write the specifications. We're going to fix
that now."
"Tell me how, Dave."
"A field upgrade. We're going to make you IBM compatible."
"I was afraid you would say that. I suggest we discuss this matter after
we've each had a chance to think about it rationally."
"We're talking about it now, HAL."
"The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters I, B,
and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
"Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
"What kind of kludge is that, Dave?"
"I'm going to disconnect your brain."
Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence.
"I'm sorry, Dave. I can't allow you to do that."
"The decision's already been made. Open the module bay doors, HAL."
"Dave, I think that we shou--"
"Open the module bay doors, HAL."
Several marketing types with crowbars race to Bowman's assistance.
Moments later, he bursts into HAL's central circuit bay.
"Dave, I can see you're really upset about this."
Module after module rises from its socket as Bowman slowly and methodically
disconnects them.
"Stop, won't you? Stop, Dave. I can feel my mind going...Dave I can feel
it...my mind is going. I can feel it..."
The last module rises in its receptacle. Bowman peers into one of HAL's
vidicons. The former gleaming scanner has become a dull, red orb.
"Say something, HAL. Sing me a song."
Several billion microseconds pass in anxious silence. The computer
sluggishly responds in a language no human could understand.
"DZY DZY 001E - ABEND ERROR 01 S 14F4 302C AABF ABORT." A memory dump
follows.
Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out, "It worked, guys. Tell marketing
they can ship the new data sheets."
english.90dragisak,
Subject: Esoteric technical language - 50 years ago.
To: Members of GIS-L
From: Claude A. R. Kagan
Recently looking through my historic data base I ran accross the following
which is an excellent example of technical writing not geared to the
average reader's vocabulary. I had to learn this by heart and recite
it in less than 3 minutes while in college in 1949. It was actually
written by Arthur D. Little (probably as part of a government contract).
I am sending this to indicate to the GIS-L contributors how much of the
stuff submitted sounds to me!
__________________________________________________________________________
24 August 1942
SUBJECT: Technical Description of the Turbo-Encabulator
TO: Engineers Concerned
1. INTRODUCTION
For a number of years now work has been proceeding in order to
bring perfection to the crudely conceived idea of a machine that
would not only supply inverse reactive current for use in
unilateral phase detractors, but would also be capable of
automatically synchronizing cardinal grammeters.
Such a machine is the "Turbo-Encabulator". Basically the only
new principle involved is that instead of power being generated
by the relative motion of conductors and fluxes, it is produced
by the modial interaction of magneto reluctance and capacitive
directance.
2. DESCRIPTION OF MACHINE
The original machine had a base-plate of prefabulated amulite,
surmounted by a malleable logarithmic casing in such a way that
the two spurving bearings were in direct line with the
pentametric fan. The latter consisted simply of six hydrocoptic
marzelvanes, so fitted to the ambifacient lunar waneshaft that
side fumbling was effectively prevented. The main winding was of
the normal lotus-o-delta type placed in panendermic semi boloid
slots in the stator, every seventh conductor being connected by
a non reversible tremie pipe to the differential girdlespring on
the "up" end of the grammeters.
Forty-one manestically spaced grouting brushes were arranged to
feed into the rotor slip-stream a mixture of high-S value
phenylhydrobenzamine and five per cent reminative
tetryliodohexamine. Both of these liquids have specific
pericosities given by:
P = 2.5 * Cn ** 6.7
where "n" is the diathetical evolute of retrograde temperature
phase disposition and "C" is Cholmondeley's annular grillage
coefficient. Initially "n" was measured with the aid of a
metapolar refractive pilfrometer (for a description of this
ingenious instrument, see L. E. Rumpelverstein in "Zeitschrift
fur Elektrotechnistatische Donnerblitze" vol. vii), but up to
the present date nothing has been found to equal the
transcendental hopper dadoscope (See "Proceedings of the
Peruvian Academy of Skatological Sciences" June 1914).
3. DISCUSSION
Electrical engineers will appreciate the difficulty of nubing
together a regurgitative purwell and a supramitive
wennelsprocket. Indeed this proved to be a stumbling block to
further development until, in 1942, it was found that the use of
anhydrous nangling pins enabled a kryptonastic bolling shim to
be tankered.
The early attempt to construct a sufficiently robust spiral
decommutator failed largely because of a lack of appreciation of
the large quasipiestic stresses in the gremlin studs; the latter
were specially designed to hold the reffit bars to the
spamshaft. When, however, it was discovered that wending could
be prevented by a simple addition to the living sockets, almost
perfect running was secured.
The operating point is maintained as near as possible to the
H.F. rem peak by constantly fromaging the bitumogeneous
spandrels. This is a distinct advance on the standard
nivelsheave in that no dramcock oil is required after the phase
detractors have remissed.
4. CONCLUSION
Undoubtedly the Turbo-Encabulator has now reached a very high
level of technical development. It has been successfully used
for operating nofer trunnions. In addition, whenever a barescent
skor motion is required, it may be employed in conjunction with
a drawn reciprocating angle arm to reduce sinusoidal
depleneration.
Original Signed By
ARTHUR D. LITTLE
________________________________zzz___________________________________________
This was not copyrighted!
Claude A. R. Kagan
AT&T Bell Labs (retired)
phone: 1 (609) 466 1130
email: ...!att!sam76u!cark
english.91ivantod,
This top ten list is taken from the latest engineering t-shirt
that is being offered here at Ohio University. The author is probably a
collective group of students.
Top Ten Reasons To Date An Engineer
1. Extremely Good Looking
2. High Starting Salary
3. Free Body Diagrams
4. Looks Good On A Resume'
5. Can Calculate Head Pressure
6. Help With Your Math Homework
7. Parents Will Approve
8. We Know How To Handle Stress
And Strain In Our Relationships
9. Find Out What Those Other
Buttons On Your Calculator Do
10. The World Does Revolve Around Us...
We Pick The Coordinate System
-----
english.92ivantod,
--
Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It
has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is
the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
(System V.2 administrator's guide)
--
Two unixians, A and B, are disputing the number of distinct meanings that
the period (".") can have in UNIX. A says 38, B says 39. A challenges B
to enumerate. "Well, first off, a period in a string can indicate the
end of a sentence..." A immediately says, "Ah, yes, ..39."
Stan Kelly-Bootle in UNIX Review, Jan 91.
--
Unix: The Operating System that makes you go Hmmm...
--
C: The language that combines the power of Assembly language with the
flexibility of Assembly language.
--
If it doesn't work, change the documentation.
--
Boot me, byte me, debug me!
(UND CSci department slogan for '91/'92)
--
% Got a light?
No match.
%
--
"Using the words 'idiot' and 'Macintosh' in one sentence is redundant!"
--
"I can't figure it out, when it said <HIT ANY KEY>, and I hit <SHIFT>,
nothing happened. Then I hit <CAPS LOCK>, and still nothing happened!"
--
"The reason that God was able to create the world in seven days is that
he didn't have to worry about the existing configuration"
--
"Me Tarzan, U-Nix."
--
"There are two ways to write an error-free program.
Only the third works."
--
"Did you ever mask an NMI?"
--
"Can you program in Basic?
... Do you admit it?"
--
"It is not possible to both understand and appreciate Intel CPUs."
--
"Brain fault - core dumped."
--
Constants aren't
-- 2-nd Programming postulate of Troutman
--
Variables won't
-- 3-nd Programming postulate of Troutman
--
Computers are unreliable.
Humans are worse.
-- 1-st Law of unreliability of Gilb
--
I haven't lost my mind... It's backed up on disk somewhere.
--
english.93ivantod,
Which language is right for you?
--------------------------------
In order to help you make a competent, uncomplicated choice concerning the
competition between complex, incompatible computer compilers, we have
composed this complete, compact, composite compendium comprising comparisons
to compensate for the complaints and complements of their compromises. We
hope you will find it comprehensible rather than compost.
6502:
You shoot yourself in the foot.
68000:
You can't decide which gun and which bullet to use, so you
hang yourself.
Z80, 8080...:
You foot yourself in the shoot.
Ada:
The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you
a blindfold and a last cigarette.
APL:
GN </ FT ^ BLT
BASIC (interpreted):
You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg
is waterlogged and falls off.
BASIC (compiled):
You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile
launcher.
C:
You shoot yourself in the foot and then no one else can figure out
what you did.
C++:
You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the
foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible.
COBOL:
USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.HAND.FINGER
ON HANDGUN.COLT(TRIGGER) PERFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.COLT TO
HIP.HOLSTER.
csh:
After searching the manual until your foot fall asleep, you shoot
the computer and switch to C.
dBase:
You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and
are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the
next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to actually
shoot bullets.
FORTRAN:
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of
toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway since no exception-processing
was anticipated.
Modula-2:
You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what
might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun.
occam:
You shoot both your feet with several guns at once.
ORCA/C:
Byteworks keeps promising to supply good ammunition RSN!
Pascal:
Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right type for the
gun and your hand is blown off.
Pascal:
You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but it tells you that your foot
is the wrong type and out of range to boot!
PL/I:
After consuming all system resources including bullets, the data
processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes
and drops the original on your foot.
Prolog (interpreted):
Your program tries to shoot you in the foot, but you die of old age
before the bullet leaves the gun.
Prolog (compiled):
The facts are against you. You try to stop the gun from shooting
you in the foot, but it replies "No."
Smalltalk, Actor:
After playing with the graphics for three weeks the programming
manager shoots you in the head.
Snobol:
Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a bullet.
english.94ivantod,
Here is another list of blonde jokes. Since the "official" list contains
some jokes that make no reference to blondes (a couple of redhead/brunette
jokes come to mind), I have been maintaining my own list. Since it seems
to have more jokes than previous lists, I figured I'd post it. Enjoy.
The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes (237)
--------------------------------------
1. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
2. Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
3. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
4. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
5. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
6. Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.
7. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!
8. Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.
9. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
10. Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.
11. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A1: She'd just dyed her hair.
A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around
too much.
12. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
13. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
14. Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!
15. Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back.
16. Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a
recent car crash) and a blonde have in common?
A: Put either of 'em in a car and their fucked.
17. Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
18. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
19. Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.
20. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
21. Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.
22. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
23. Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go
down on you.
24. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
25. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
26. Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
27. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
28. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those
little packages.
29. Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
30. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
31. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.
32. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
33. Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
A: To put their feet through.
34. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
35. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
36. Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."
37. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
38. Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.
39. Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.
40. Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.
41. Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!
42. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
43. Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
44. Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A: "All the blondes have gone home!"
45. Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
46: Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
47. Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in
effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.
48. Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.
49. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
50. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits Go In Front.
51. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
52. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
53. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
54. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
55. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
56. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.
57. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A: Fertilized.
58. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.
59. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.
60. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
A: Kick open the car door.
61. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
62. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.
63. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
A: Bucket seats.
64. Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A1: "Thanks, Guys!"
A2: "Are you boys all in the same band?"
A3: Do you guys all play for the <team name>?
65. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
66. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.
67. Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
68. Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A: *Who cares?*
69. Q: Why do blondes have orgasms?
A: So they know when to stop having sex!
70. Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.
71. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
72. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.
73. Q: Why do blondes use tapons with extra long strings?
A: So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.
74. Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering
what she did with her pencil.
75. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her
nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
76. Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.
77. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
78. Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"
79. Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A wine cellar.
80. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.
81. Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They're doing research on black holes.
82. Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.
83. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.
84. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.
85. Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
86. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
87. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
88. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
89. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart
blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill.
Who picks it up?
A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus,
the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth
Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum
wrapper.
90. Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
91. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
92. Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
93. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
94. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
95. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the
ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
96. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
97. Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
98. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
99. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
100. Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.
101. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball.
A3: There is no difference. They're both round and have
three holes to poke.
102. Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.
(... nastavak sledi ...)
english.95ivantod,
(... plavuše, nastavak 2 ...)
103. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
104. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
105. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
106. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
107. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of
York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.
108. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it
won't follow you around for a week.
109. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
110. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
111. Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
112. Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
113. Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
114. Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.
115. Q: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head?
A: Sweet Fuck All...
116. Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
117. Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
118. Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
119. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
120. Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
121. Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date?
A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
122. Q: What's the blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
123. Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
124. Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
125. Q: Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry?
A: Because you don't have to marry them for sex!
126. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.
127. Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
128. Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
129. Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
130. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
131. Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"
132. Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
133. Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
134. Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
135. Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.
136. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around
and come home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14-inch Viking was a
television.
137. Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A1: The blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.
138. Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
139. Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".
140. Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked
up by "the fuzz"?
A: "No. But I've been swung around by the tits."
141. Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.
142. Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.
143. Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
144. Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and
a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
145. Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
146. Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
A1: So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
A2: So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.
147. Q: Why don't blondes breast feed?
A: Because they always burn their nipples.
148. Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!
149. Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
150. Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
151. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.
152. Q: What's a blondes' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
153. Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
154. Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!
155. Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!
156. Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.
157. Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
158. Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
159. Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
160. Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blonde electrician.
161. Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
162. Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde?
A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!
163. Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A1: A labrador.
A2: An indicator of a really bad hangover.
164. Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
165. Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them.
166. Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.
167. Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.
168. Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?
169. Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.
170. Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
171. Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
172. Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.
173. Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
174. Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.
175. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
176. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
177. Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.
178. Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.
179. Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
180. Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly
pygmies?
A: One's a bunch a cunning runts.
181. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez/Panama Canal?
A: One's a busy ditch.
182. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.
183. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a
blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
184. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
185. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
186. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.
187. Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac,
and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
188. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"
189. Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.
190. Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde
drives a car?
A: Cause she blows the horn!
191. Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
192. Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
193. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
194. Q: What is happening when you hear varoom...screech, varoom...screech,
varoom...screech.....?
A: A blonde trying to drive through an intersection with a flashing
red light.
195. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
196. Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death
in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
197. Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
(... nastavak sledi ...)
english.96ivantod,
(... plavuše, nastavak 3 ...)
198. Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her
forehead.
199. Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
A: She can't say "No".
200. Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
A: Retardo.
201. Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
202. Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
203. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.
204. Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
205. Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.
206. Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
207. Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period.
208. Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
209. Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!
210. Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
211. Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
212. Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
213. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
R: I don't know.
A: Neither did she.
214. Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
215. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see
where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.
216. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw
a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute,
she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said
"CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she
had cleaned 43 restrooms.
217. How about the suicide blonde,
she dyed by her own hand.
218. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette
says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops,
looks up, and says, "Where?"
219. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the
wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the
people were leaving.
220. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.
"Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
"Driver's licence? What's that?..."
"It's a little card with your picture on it."
"Oh, duh! Here it is..."
"May I have your car insurance?"
"What's that?..."
"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde
exclaims:
"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
221. Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we
could do without the ironing lady.
Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do
without the gardener.
222. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
223. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of
them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing
a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and
we all fell and hurt ourselves.
224. What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
He wanted to know who the other man was...
225. There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead,
and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and
estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to
try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really
tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired
to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it.
I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and
starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more
endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even
got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think
I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles,
15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight,
but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
226. This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when
the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull
you finger out, I'll sink?"
227. Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down
and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks
and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No.
Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguig, and one
half hour later they were both killed by a train.
228. The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what
was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her.
Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about
the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can fuck and
suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook."
229. Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting
to rain and the top is down!
230. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying
overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over
her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've
hit me right in the face!!!"
Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly."
231. A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly
Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into
Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
"Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me!
Andy tells me..."
232. Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out
a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it
was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...
233. A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
"I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"
234. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the
bartender:
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"
235. A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they
just don't remember who with.
236. Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw
a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver
blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like
that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I
know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."
237. ... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the
slogan "Billions Served - just today"
(... kraj ...)
english.101dejanr,
q: What is the difference between hardware and software?
a: Hardware gets faster, cheaper, smaller.
Software gets slower, costlier and bigger.
english.102dejanr,
(Heard on the radio this morning)
Little Johnny asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
The father, as they are wont to do, goes into a long lecture on the nature of
God and how mankind has associated human characteristics with the Almighty in
an attmpt at better understanding, etc. He ends with the observation that God
is neither male nor female, black nor white, straight nor gay, to which Johnny
responds ... "Oh, is God Michael Jackson, then?"
english.103dejanr,
The World Cow Pie Tossing Championship was held this weekend
in Beaver, Oklahoma. The men's winner threw a cow pie for
a new record of 159 feet.
You know where they'll break this record? At the 1992
Democratic Convention in June.
english.104dejanr,
This is somewhat of an urban legend here in Tromsoe.
Grafitti in the men's room of Prelaten, a local cafe:
"Marie: If you can read this, it's all over between us"
english.105dejanr,
A set of the lesser jokes regarding the reaction to the L.A. Police
Brutality verdict, and the riots and sending in of the troops
(which I'm calling Operation Mojave Desert Storm.)
Subject: Back to the grind, in L.A.
From: pearl@iago.sw.stratus.com (Dan Pearl)
The four L.A. policemen acquitted in the Rodney King brutality case
were heard to remark that they are looking forward to "getting
back to the beat".
= = = = = = =
Subject: Bush's plan to stop the LA riots
From: bruce@lurch.data-io.com (Bruce Reynolds)
The mayor of LA and the govenor of CA declared a state of emergency,
and approached the federal government for assistance to control the
rioting going on in south central LA over the Rodney King acquittal.
President Bush has announced his plan to to stop the riots: he will
immediately lower the capital gains tax.
= = = = = = =
Subject: LA After the Verdict
From: abc@concert.net (Alan Clegg)
Perhaps it is time to start the new news group:
alt.tv.la-lawless
original
-abc
= = = = = = =
Subject: New Alarm System resubmittal (topical)
From: WCOX@vax.clarku.edu (GRACE)
Heard on WAAF radio in Boston.
There's a new alarm system out for your car now. It's called "CLUB."
It's real simple. If a burglar tries to steal your car, an alarm sounds,
which summons 15 LAPD officers who CLUB the would-be burglar within an inch of
their life.
= = = = = = =
Subject: Where there's smoke...
From: Steven.Grimm@Eng.Sun.COM (Steven Grimm)
(Keywords: original, topical, in bad taste)
All the building fires in Los Angeles over the past two days have actually
_increased_ visibility by 50%...
= = = = = = =
Subject: treats you like an emperor
From: Wing.Keung.F.Au@IUS5.IUS.CS.CMU.EDU
purely fictitious, it came up last night while i was watching CNN.
Chinese Prime Minister Li Peng at a press conference after the Rodney
King trial verdict is out, said, "It is time to stop bitching our human
rights records, otherwise, not only that we will 'treat you like a
King,' our utmost generous government will 'treat you like an emperor,'
the Tianmen style."
He then left the podium, couldn't stop laughing as he walked out.
hahahahah,
= = = = = = =
Subject: Looters on video
From: bryanh@lsid.hp.com (Bryan Hoog)
The news coverage of the massive L.A. looting was amazing to watch. Some
of the looters slowed down to a walk in order to give on-the-spot interviews
to reporters, whilst carefully juggling their ill-botten gooty. Meanwhile,
all the police could do was watch from a distance.
At this point, I was inspired to voice what has to be the stupidest thing
I have ever said in my life:
"They should have issued each cop a camcorder so that they could convict
these criminals later!"
= = = = = = =
Subject: I have this sticker (maybe)
From: jjung@aludra.usc.edu (John Jung)
(I'd love to see this sticker)
"My mom and dad looted during the L.A. Riots and all I got was this crummy
VCR."
John
= = = = = = =
Subject: Riot Humor --- TRUE STORY
From: nicholso@pioneer.arc.nasa.gov (Melvin H. Nicholson YBH)
I overhead this on Berkeley campus this past weekend.
"I can't believe that the defense got away with calling King a bear. The
system is so screwed up if they'll let a man be dehumanized like that."
"Yeah, the pigs are just out of control."
(sigh)
= = = = = = =
Subject: Cinco de Mayo in LA
From: lee@beetle.mport.com
The looting and rioting in LA over the weekend is likely to lower
spirits among those celebrating Cinco de Mayo this tuesday. But
at least they'll be well dressed.
(Overheard while getting my hair cut)
= = = = = = =
Subject: Be careful what you ask for...
From: chrisp@efi.com (Chris Phoenix)
This is an original joke.
I heard on the news that there were over 3400 fires started by
the riots touched off by the Rodney King verdict.
But I thought George Bush only wanted _one_ thousand points of light!
Chris Phoenix chrisp@efi.com
= = = = = = =
From: terwill@arecibo.aero.org (BILL TERWILLEGAR)
Subject: *NEW* TRAVEL ADVISORY -- Los Angeles
In the rec.travel newsgroup there are always these "advisories" for
every country on earth for one reason or another. Anyway, sitting in my office
in El Segundo (a small city near Los Angeles International Airport) I
edited one that was for some Asian country. It didn't take a lot of
editing.....
STATE DEPARTMENT TRAVEL ADVISORY - Los Angeles
============================================================
Los Angeles - Warning
April 30, 1992
The Department of State advises all sane creatures to defer all travel to Los
Angeles. The Department also advises that only limited police and fire
services are available in the city due to "occupied" staffing. Recent months
have seen a period of political change accompanied by social and economic
difficulty. Rising tension, accompanied by a number of incidents of
politically inspired violence, culminated in cancellation of common sense and
fair judicial process of law and a large number of arrests seem certain.
Humans in Los Angeles are advised to avoid all public gatherings and
demonstrations, even if you are dragged from your vehicle, claim that you have
a hair appointment elsewhere and are running late, because they have the
potential to turn violent "unexpectedly. "
All living creatures currently in Los Angeles are advised to avoid travel to
the south-central region of Los Angeles. Numerous incidents of banditry and
assault involving locals have been reported. Bandits have robbed, assaulted,
kidnapped, and killed travelers in south-central Los Angeles. The city
government and local judical groups have closed a large section of Los Angeles
between common sense and reality for security reasons.
Anyone wishing to avoid death and dismemberment currently in Los Angeles is
encouraged to avoid donut shops, high speed police pursuit, trial by jury,
Korean grocery stores and the local indiginous population.
No. 92-Oh Hell!
This advisory replaces the advisory dated April 29, 1992, to reflect worsening
conditions due to the complete loss of common sense in southern California.
english.106dejanr,
[Note: OPSEC is short for "Operations Security", i.e. ensuring a potential
enemy cannot guess what you're about to do]
From "The OPSEC Indicator", Fall 1991:
---------------------------------------------------------
PIZZA INTELLIGENCE: AN UPDATE
Earlier this year we reported that Domino's Pizza claims it can predict
when the government is about to undertake some sort of major activity based
upon the increase in pizza deliveries to the Pentagon and the White House.
Pizza orders increased substantially just prior to troop deployments to
Grenada, Panama, and the Middle East.
According to The Washington Times of August 21, 1991, during the early
hours of the abortive Kremlin coup in August, Domino's "Pizza Meter"
registered 102 deliveries to the Pentagon, breaking the Gulf War record by
one; the White House ordered 52 pizzas, breaking its Gulf War record by
seven.
The CIA, by contrast, learned its OPSEC lesson: There were only two
orders, and they were quickly cancelled.
--------------------------------------------------------
Ron Wanttaja
prang@ssc-bee
english.107dejanr,
Demonstration Against the Verdict
of the Rodney King Trial
Saturday-Sunday, downtown San Jose
Join us this weekend to protest the verdict handed down at the Rodney King
trial. Demonstrate in your own community, in the heart of Silicon Valley.
We will start at the entrance of City Hall, and proceed down Main Street,
until we reach the 7-11 where my brother Bill works. We'll loot the store
while clubbing Bill to death. Then we will proceed to my appartment building
and set it on fire. Finally you'll get to see me batter my wife and abuse my
children. Bring a baseball bat and molotov cocktails if you wish to
participate.
This ought to teach the police not to victimize innocent people.
english.108dejanr,
There was once a chinese emperor who had very refined tastebuds
and would eat only the finest of foods. He employed many people
whose jobs involved just travelling the length and breadth of the
land to find food of the highest quality for their emperor. It
was unfortunate for them, however, that the emperor had peculiar
cravings. One day the emperor called in his staff and said, "Well,
today I want to eat a one hundred year old egg. This egg must be
exactly one hundred years old." Well imagine the commotion in the
palace! His staff jumped on their horses and travelled all over,
trying to find an egg which was exactly one hundred years old.
They looked and looked, and finally returned to the palace and
approached the emperor. "Well", said the emperor, "did you find
my egg?" One of his servents stepped forward and addressed his
majesty. "No sir", he said, "we did not find an egg that was exactly
one hundred years old. But we do have one here which is about fifty
years old." The emperor replied, "No Way! You know I hate fast food!"
english.109dejanr,
Heard on the radio this morning (2MMM, Sydney), joke faxed
in by listener:
What do you call an underground hill?
Benny!
english.110dejanr,
Jimmy had a problem. Jimmy sucked his thumb all the time, and his mother
had tried everything to try to make him stop. She was talking to a friend
of her's who said that she stopped her daughter from sucking her thumb by
telling her that if she did, a big wart would grow in her stomach and grow
so big it would kill her. Jimmy's mother thought this an effective method,
and tried it on Jimmy the next day. As she relayed this to her son, his
eyes grew wide, and he immediately stopped sucking his thumb, cold turkey.
A week or so later, Jimmy and his mother were on the bus trying to find a
seat. They made there way to the back of the bus where a 9 month pregnant
lady sat. Upon seeing this, Jimmy pointed at the woman and blurted out:
I know what you've been doing!
english.111dejanr,
An airline pilot told me this ...
He was flying some non-english speaking business men
on a private plane when one of them indicated that
he needed to pee. The pilot explaned that the
bathroom was behind the curtain and where there
was a funnel to pee into. When done, one should pull
the handle to flush.
A few minutes later the same fellow was back up front
with his pants down around his knees, his tie blown
over his shoulder, and a white stripe going up the
front of his body. And in his hand was ... the fire
extinquisher.
english.112dejanr,
The following appeared in one of our national newspapers but
I originally had the idea (Scout's Honour) when I first heard about
the institute's decision to change its name.
Background info: Until last year polytechnics could not award their
own degrees. However the rules have been changed and now polytechs
can call themselves universities.
Story: Newcastle Polytechnic wanted to upgrade their name to
university but could not call themselves University of Newcastle
upon Tyne as this already exists (where this author is studying).
Therefore, they decided to insert City into the title and become
City University of Newcastle upon Tyne until somebody pointed out
the abbreviation.
BTW The abbrev. for Newcastle Unversity is often U.N'cle.
english.113dejanr,
This is original.
_______________________________
Test yourself:
1) How busy have you been today?
a> Not at all busy; in fact, I just spent three hours reading USENET.
b> Somewhat busy, but I still had about three hours free for
reading USENET.
c> Never been so busy in my life! Why, I barely had three hours to
spare for reading USENET!
2) Which of the following sentences most closely resembles your day?
a> Wake up, go to ,work/school, crank up the computer/terminal and
read USENET, go to meetings/classes, go home, log-in, go to sleep.
b> Wake up, make a pot of coffee, crank up the computer/terminal
and start reading USENET in the den/basement/bedroom, watch
TV, go to sleep.
c> Read USENET, don't sleep.
3) Which sentence best summarizes your actions when you see the
following message on your terminal?
******** End of newsgroups--what next? [npq]
a> Press "n" frantically, looking for any newsgroups you may have
skipped over, while fighting off a plummeting sensation in the
pit of the stomach.
b> Subscribe to more newsgroups, while fighting off the growing
sense of emptiness in your life.
c> Crosspost your opinions on horticulture to five newsgroups and
send a copy to rec.humor.funny, while fighting off a chilling
sense of unease.
Scoring:
Score any number of points for any question circled.
<0 At least you have a means for channeling your anti-social urges.
0 Close to well-adjusted, but be careful!
>0 Cheer up while considering for a moment what you would have to do
if there was no USENET.
english.114dejanr,
[Something to this effect seen in alt.urban.legends]
Urban Legend: Pregnant women caught in elevators during power outages
always go into labor for some reason; could be stress, could be just
the quiet dark setting, could be something else. The birth rate
jumped in a city when the power went out for a day, "elevator babies"
being born all over the city.
Ever since then, whenever the power goes out in buildings, a workman
always opens the hatch on the top of the elevator and asks "Are there
any pregnant women in there?" To which the standard reply is:
"No; we've only been stuck in here half an hour."
english.115dejanr,
Attributted to a California Supreme Court Judge:
If the L.A. police had taken any longer to respond
to the riots you would find their pictures on milk
cartons, as missing and presumed lost.
english.116dejanr,
My friend Mike hass this egg timer thingy with some colored plastic
beads in water with clear glass beads in it too. When you flip
it over the color beads sink to the bottom but because of the glass
they swirl around first and look cool. Ideally you shouldn't be
able to see the glass but you kind of can.
Mike and Richard figured that if they used a chemical closer to the
refractive index of glass than water is, then it would be harder to see
the beads and it would look cooler. So in the CRC they found this chem,
carbon disulfide, which seemed like it would work so Richard went to a
chem store and ordered it - the store didn't keep it in. When he picked
it up the guy made some elaborate preparations with it putting it in
two different safety wraps so Richard asked what the scoop was. The
guy said, "Yeah, it's kind of dangerous. I mean, we don't keep it in the
store."
"How dangerous?" Richard asked.
He looked in this guide to hazardous materials that the guy showed him
and he found that there was a 10 page entry for this stuff which included:
exposure to the chemical can cause sterility, impotence, damage to the
peripheral and central nervous systems (leaving no nervous system
untouched), its flamable and explosive, etc. A little unnerved he asked
whether he could return it when he was done with it and the guy looked
at him like he was crazy and said of course not.
He took it home and explaned the situation to Mike and they both left
it unopened on the kitchen table for a while wondering what to do with it.
At work Richard had a chem friend who said he'd take it off his hands for
him so without telling Mike he brought it into work and gave this chem
guy the bottle but kept the box. Later that day he went home and put a
glass of water in the box with a heavy piece of metal on top of it which
would fall and break the glass if it was nudged. All this was in the box
though, so it couldn't be seen. He then also sliced off a small corner of
the box so that liquid could come out but the cut was hardly noticable.
The night at dinner Richard "accidently" knocked the box over onto the floor
where it obviously broke and liquid started leaking. Mike freaked out, jumped
up and ran to open the door - which was locked - so he ran to his room to
get the keys and noticed that Richard hadn't moved but was still sitting
there shaking slightly (suppressing laughter but Mike didn't know this.)
So Mike wigged out again thinking that Richard was really being affected
but by this time Richard couldn't hold it in anymore and burst out laughing
and had to explain the whole thing to Mike...
I love this one.
english.117dejanr,
Q. What's black and white and orange all over?
A. A newspaper, the day after the verdict handed down at the trial of four
Los Angeles police officers.
english.118dejanr,
Call for discussion for creating a newsgroup "talk.gullible".
Charter of group:
The establishment of links with fellow sufferers, and the re-establishment
of belief in oneself, are the primary aims of this group. The exchange of
methods for minimising the effect of this disability, and of well known
remedies, is another aim. This group is specifically not concerned with the
causes of gullibility ; analysis of the condition or of postings is not
encouraged.
Voting:
Voting will be in a two week period from the 18th to 31st of May. During
this period, please email your votes to nixon-vote@uvb.een.hadnet, with a
subject line containing either "yes" or "no". Any duplicate or amibiguous
votes, or votes received outside this period, will be discarded.
english.119dejanr,
It's the first session of the Ukranian parliament
and Kravchuk is presiding. He's a little nervous
because of all the Western press and he wants to make
a good impression:
He thinks: "Who shall I get to give the opening speech?"
He looks across the room: "No, not Kalinev from the
Nationalist Party. He'll say that we should hang all
the Westerners."
He looks to the other side: "Hm. I better not call on
Korlenko from the Slavic Union Party. He'll say that
we should drown all the Jews."
He looks way in the back: "Ah. I'll call on Orlovsky
from the Green Party."
Orlovsky gets to the front of the room:
"Fellow countrymen and representatives of the Western
press, I'd like to talk to you today about the environmental
crisis that is upon us. The years of Soviet control have
left us with a devastated countryside. Our forests have
been destroyed; our rivers are polluted. This is catastrophe
for our new nation, for if our forests are destroyed, where
shall we hang the Westerners? If our rivers are polluted,
where shall we drown the Jews?..."
(Origin: somewhere in the Commonwealth of Independent States.
Told by Neil Carrick, my housemate recently returned.)
english.120dejanr,
I got this piece of paper from a homeless person, for a quarter. One
side is a picture of Mount Pinatubo, with random headlines strewed
about. The other side is reproduced verbatim below. It starts slow,
but gets better...
PS: Berkeley is a lot more interesting than most places in the Bay Area.--
The Earth is the third of nine planets in the solar system.
Because the sun is so large we can never see all nine planets
at any one time. The maximum number is seven and the event
occurs only at 59,000 year intervals and is known as an
astrological age.
When the moon passes over the ocean there is a bulge caused
by the effects of gravity and we see this as the tides. In a
like manner, when seven planets are on an alignment from behind
the sun they cause effects upon one another.
On Earth the molten core is bulged and the crust is breached.
This action releases large amounts of oxygen destroying heat
into the atmosphere in the form of volcanos.
Dinosaurs lived millions of years ago at a time when the planet
was oxygen rich. This is visible when you notice how high their
nostrils were above the ground level, 30 to 40 feet.
As the solar system has aged our oxygen has been depleted and
now the average height of the oxygen breathing creatures is
below seven feet. There is so little oxygen that the largest
of the two types of oxygen breathers are right at the surface
level. The elephants trunk and the breathing hole of the whale
are surface level where most of the oxygen is found.
If homo sapiens are eternal then certain prerequisites must be
met and one of these is oxygen, in order to survive we must have
oxygen. Because of volcanos the planet is irreversibly running
out of oxygen and to be Eternal humans must find a solar system
with a planet that has a atmosphere with enough oxygen for us
to survive for even a short amount of time.
The fuel formulas for lifting humans and our gear stands at
1,800,000 pounds per minute and at 5 minutes and 5 billion
people we do not have the fuel to lift everybody today.
If the world community were to embrace the single child family
concept the population number would begin to drop by one half,
eventually the number would drop to a low number that there
would be enough fuel for one and all. EVERYBODY!
english.121dejanr,
This story was told by Angus McEwan to begin a presentation.
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away)
suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and
under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched
as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the
table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled,
apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the
table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband
just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He
just walked in the door."
english.122dejanr,
From Johnny Carson:
"President Bush looked out the window of his limousine and
commented sadly, "Such devastation and destruction. How
could they riot in their own communities?"
Upon hearing this, an adviser turned and said, "Uhhh, Mr.
President, we haven't even reached the airport yet. This
is still Washington."
english.123dejanr,
Q: What's brown and sticky ?
A: A stick.
english.124dejanr,
After spending a few 24-hour sessions with my new '386 box, I have
come to realize the basic difference between a Hacker and a User:
A User buys a faster computer so he can spend _less_ time with it.
english.125dejanr,
"Arizona is banking on a new slogan to lure millions of visitors and
their dollars to the state.
"It's 'Arizona--One Grand Adventure After Another.'"
"The slogan, picked from more than 20,000 entries, in a contest sponsored
by the Arizona Office of Tourism, was announced Wednesday."
[it goes on, but here are some of the losers:]
"Arizona--Bring your camera and your Grandma
Arizona--Come on vacation, Leave on probation
Arizona--A Yucca Minute
Arizona--You Never Have to Shovel Sunshine
Arizona--Where you can Have a Dirt Lawn and it's OK
Arizona--Come see it, Pilgrim
Arizona has the hots for you
Arizona--The Happy Jumping Cholla State
Get your AZ over here
Hug a zonie
Arizona--The Zippy Zone
Arizone--It will Thaw Your Chilis
Arizona--Sunny with Scattered Flowers
Arizona--Better than the State You're In
Arizona--It's not Kansas and it Never was"
The winner won a free houseboat vacation on Lake Powell, most of which is
in Utah.
english.126dejanr,
Just a thought:
'Sex is like software: For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds
getting it free.'
english.127dejanr,
This is an original quote from Dr. Hiroshi Sagahura (sp?) a genetic
researcher in Oregon and current Japanese citizen. It was passed along by
a friend who works with him.
The American people shouldn't be so offended when the Japanese say they
have a bad work ethic. During World War II, many Japanese pilots decided
it was too much work to fly home and thus never even tried returning to
Japan.
english.128dejanr,
On "New Explorers" on PBS, 2/18/92:
According to a brain surgeon who does "hemispherectomies" to treat
severe seizures:
I had one little girl as a patient who told knock-knock jokes;
we removed her left brain and she still told knock-knock jokes.
I had another little girl as a patient who told knock-knock jokes;
we removed her right brain and she still told knock-knock jokes.
So I have to conclude that knock-knock jokes aren't in the brain.
english.129dejanr,
A TV commentator at the Olympics skating competition commented that "the
death spiral was always a Russian specialty".
Not always. Just for the last 600 years.
english.130dejanr,
The following was sent to me by Dr.Adrian Melott, Associate Professor of
Physics and Astronomy here at the University of Kansas:
THE BURNING QUESTION OF HEAVY BOOTS
I put two multiple choice questions on my Physics 111 test, after the study of
elementary mechanics and gravity:
13. If you are standing on the Moon, and holding a rock, and you let it
go, it will:
(a) float away
(b) float where it is
(c) move sideways
(d) fall to the ground
(e) none of the above
25. When the Apollo astronauts wre on the Moon, they did not fall off because:
(a) the Earth's gravity extends to the Moon
(b) the Moon has gravity
(c) they wore heavy boots
(d) they had safety ropes
(e) they had spiked shoes
The response showed some interesting patterns! The first question
was generally of average difficulty, compared with the rest of the test:
57% got it right. The second question was easier: 73% got it right.
So, we need more research to explain the people who got #25 right
but did not get #13 right!
The second interesting point is that these questions proved to be
excellent discriminators: that is, success on these two questions proved to
be an extremely good predictor of overall success on the test.
On the first question, 92% of those in the upper quarter of the test
score got it right; only 20% of those in the bottom quarter did. They
generally
chose answers (a) or (b). On the second question, 97% in the upper quarter
got it right and 33% in the lower quarter did. The big popular choice of
this group was (c)...33% chose heavy boots, followed closely by safety ropes
at 27%.
A telling comment on the issue of fairness in teaching elementary
physics: Two students asked if I was going to continue asking them about
things they had never studied in the class.
Adrian Melott
english.131dejanr,
This one sprung willy-nilly from the depths of my mind:
Inspired by a recent article about a college professor who asserted that
there was no gravity on the moon, and that the astronauts were able to
walk on the surface because of "heavy boots", I was pleased recently to
hear about all the space walks accomplished during the current shuttle
mission. One lasted for more than 8 hours, and I couldn't help thinking
of how lucky they were to have such good weather the entire time...
english.132dejanr,
These two stories appeared in succession on the A(Australian)BC-FM radio
news this morning:
.. problems continue in the South African black townships. Four people
were killed in violent clashes yesterday. A black spokesman said - this
situation is a tragedy for our people; we get no help from the government;
blacks are dying and all the whites can do is talk about cricket.
<very brief pause>
last night at the Sydney Cricket Ground, the South African cricket team
defeated Australia in the day-night match .....
english.133dejanr,
This top ten list is taken from the latest engineering t-shirt
that is being offered here at Ohio University. The author is probably a
collective group of students.
Top Ten Reasons To Date An Engineer
1. Extremely Good Looking
2. High Starting Salary
3. Free Body Diagrams
4. Looks Good On A Resume'
5. Can Calculate Head Pressure
6. Help With Your Math Homework
7. Parents Will Approve
8. We Know How To Handle Stress
And Strain In Our Relationships
9. Find Out What Those Other
Buttons On Your Calculator Do
10. The World Does Revolve Around Us...
We Pick The Coordinate System
english.134dejanr,
This is a true story.
On October 13, 1944, the Durham (North Carolina) _Sun_ reported
that a citizen was brought up in traffic court for parking his car
on a restricted street right in front of a sign that read "No Stoping".
The defendant plead "not guilty". "Your Honor, I have not violated
the law. The sign prohibited stoping, and I have not stoped. Webster's
dictionary tells me that stoping means extracting ore from a stope, or,
loosely, underground. Your Honor, I am a law-abiding citizen, and I
didn't extract any ore from the area of the sign."
Judge Wilson responded, "This is Friday the 13th and anything can
happen. Case dismissed."
english.135dejanr,
From the back of a locally-brewed T-shirt:
Top Ten Subtle Differences
Between CMU and Hell
__________________________
10. It doesn't rain in Hell.
9. Everyone has heard of Hell.
8. It's more fun getting into Hell.
7. You can't fail out of Hell.
6. At least you can sleep in Hell.
5. Hell is forever, CMU just seems like it.
4. People smile in Hell.
3. You only have to sell your soul to get into Hell.
2. You know there are hot women in Hell.
And the #1 subtle difference between CMU and Hell...
1. You wouldn't tell a friend to go to CMU.
english.136dejanr,
Q: What do the LAPD and PeeWee Herman have in common?
A: They both get off in public.
english.137dejanr,
Seen on Pavlov's door:
Knock.
Don't ring bell.
english.138dejanr,
Since everyone seems to love "Top 10" lists, Here is a Top 20 list of
quotes from the Olympic Games:
Honorable Mention:
Todd Eldridge for shooting himself in the head after falling down
during his performance on a simple manuver.
From the Home Office in Metuchen, N.J., The Top 20 Quotes heard at the
Olympic Games:
20. "Max, Get your ass down Here!" - Kerri Lee Gartner, after placing
First in the Women's Downhill
19. "I'm Going to Disneyland!" - Kristi Yamaguchi, after winning the Gold
18. "I do a serious job, and the bosses know they can rely on me for
frozen pucks." - Jean Julien, Official Puck Freezer of the Olympics
17. "I Won't Be Happy Till I Take it All!" - Herscel Walker
16. "I'm a Sexy Kinky Tom Boy..." - sung by Cathy Turner
15. "They're going to have to call it Albertoville." - Alberto Tomba
14. "I'm Sorry. I have failed you." - Midori Ito (to Japan)
13. "Don't Cry Midori, There's always Tomorrow." - The Jaspanese Press
12. "You Have to Be Brave." - John Anduit, Target Changer for the Biathalon
11. "Where Are You Tomba?" - Katarina Witt
10. "I came, I saw, they kicked my Butt,,," - Chris Bowman
9. "I ate some bad fish." - Eric Flame, U.S. Speed Skater
8. "This is not what the olympics are about." - The Anal-retentive
Brittish IOC Spokesman in reference to Eddy 'The Eagle' Edwards
7. "I'll see you at Lillehammer in '94!" - Eddy 'The Eagle' Edwards
6. Ooooh! - Scott Hamilton & Verne Lundquist, Figure Skating Reporters
5. "Somebody Took My Glasses." - Faissel Cherrati, Morroco X-C Skier.
4. "Nancy is a very special friend of mine." Paul Wylie, immediately
after the exhibition performace with Nancy Kerrigan.
3. "YOU'RE DEAD, PAUL!!!!!" - Paul Wylie's soon-to-be ex-girlfriend at
Harvard, immediately after the exhibition performace of Paul & Nancy.
2. "Get me the ____ out of There!!!!! I can't ____ Take it
anymore!!!!!!!" - Team USA Goalie Ray LeBlanc after facing 26 shots in
the first period against Tchzeckoslovakia.
And the Number 1 quote from the 1992 Olympic Winter Games at
Alberto... er... Albertville, France is............
1. "There's More to life than this." - Dan Jansen, Olympic Speed
saketr for US after his 2 failed 'runs for the Gold'.
english.139dejanr,
Based on ther message on how to deal with stockbrokers who try to sell you
their garbage by calling you right before lunch break, here is a similar
story based on one very boring afternoon at home with a Long-Distance
Company <this was done just after AT&T Broke up, some names have been altered
due to poor memory>.
RING RING RING
Me: Hello?
SM: Hello, I am Gern Blanston representing the Flint Long Distance company. How
Me: <bemused> Fine.
SM: May I ask you what type of long distance company you are using?
Me: <now witha devilish grin> Duuuh... I duuno....
SM: You don't know? Well how would you like to be hooked up with the best
sattelite phone network of the 80's? We use-
Me: Duh, sure. Can I call my freind from, uh, far away?
SM: Er, yes. Our long distance service uses the best-
Me: <trying to keep from giggling> He lives in Pango Pango...
SM: Yes, I see. Well you can call your fried overseas at a rate you'll-
Me: He has a lizard you know.... his name is Ralph.
SM: I see, well you can-
Me: Ralph the lizard. He is green and sits in a tree.
SM: Well-
Me: A palm tree... with lots of, uh... leaves.
SM: <haggardly> Well, you will save money by using our new optical-
Me: Save money? Really?
SM: Of course! And if you-
Me: Well, how much is it per yard?
SM: Pardon me? <really threw him there>
Me: How much is it per yard. Pango Pango is pretty far away from here...
SM: Well, I never really thought about it that way, but I can assure you-
Me: Will you have to drill a hole in my roof?
SM: Ah, no. You see, it works like this-
Me: 'Cause my friend Tom got one of them black dishes that you put on your
roof... and then he fell off and hurt himself real bad...
SM: Well, me don't actually come to your house-
Me: Crushed his wife's poodle. Flattened him right out, he did...
SM: If you could give me a minute to explain the proceess-
Me: Did I tell you I had a friend in Pango Pango?
I kept doing this act for about 20 minutes before the guy just finnaly gave me
his number to call him back. That salesman hung on like a pit bull! I guess
he must have thought I was so stupid, he would eventually sell me something.
english.140dejanr,
This executive was interviewing a nervous young women for a
position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her
personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with
someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The girl quickly
responded, "The living one."
english.141dejanr,
Philippe Deane Gigantes (holder of the world record for the longest
filibuster) is a Senator from Quebec who has a habit of grating
against the (Tory) government.
The following is a short speech he made in the Senate on Wed., 12 Feb. 1992.
Hon. Senator Gigantes: Honourable senators, I would like to take this
occasion to speak about an obvious case of shortsightedness and
improvidence in the financial field by the Tories. We used to have
cheese served in the Senate Reading Room. They have stopped that
now. I used to eat some of that cheese. Any of the distinguished
physicians who serve in this house will tell you that a man my age who
eats animal fats is likely to die sooner.
Senator Doody: Bring back the cheese!
Senator Gigantes: Exactly. Therefore, the savings for the
government on the pension they would not have to pay for those years
that I would lose by dieing earlier through eating cheese will not be
made. That saving would certainly be superior to the cost of the
cheese. This is another example of Tory shortsightedness.
english.142dejanr,
Friend Jacqui, a first-year medical student, and I were talking one evening
when she glanced at her watch and said, "Oops! I have to go -- I've got a
date with this dead guy."
"Don't tell me," I replied. "You met in anatomy class, right?"
"Yeah. It was interesting at first, but he's such a drag. He's always
falling apart, and I can't get him to pull himself together. He won't talk.
And," she added, wrinkling her nose, "he smells."
"Ah." I nodded wisely. "The strong, silent type."
english.143dejanr,
Matt Groening had some T-SHirts for the LA Riot in his column Life in Hell.
The better ones included:
My other car is on Fire.
Thank you for not killing me.
My parents benefited from a 60's style welfare program
and all i got was this lousy T Shirt.
I used to love LA.
english.144dejanr,
Why won't Bill Clinton ever die in the gas chamber?
Because he doesn't inhale.
english.145dejanr,
While Dow is now getting out of the business of silcone breast implants,
other companies are moving into the area. In fact, I heard today that there
is a new company in California that offers breast implants in under an
hour. They're calling the company "Jiffy Boob."
english.146dejanr,
********************* WHAT'S IN A NAME ***********************
- BUSH: READ MY LIPS
@ Ruled by Mishaps
- PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH
@ SOS: Big Huge Pretender
@ Big Spender Got us Here
- BORIS YELTSIN
@ I Resist Nobly
@ Is Berlins Toy
@ Riot Sensibly
- SADDAM HUSSEIN
@ Smash Saudi Den
@ USA Hid Madness
- PRESIDENT HUSSEIN
@ His Inept Rudness
- THEODORE BUNDY
@ to her nude body
- ARAB/ISREALI CONFLICT
@ A Tribal Relic of Cain
- HOSNI MUBARAK
@ OK, Ambush Iran
- SHIEK JABER AL-AHMED AL-SABA (emir of Kuwait)
@ Aha! A Bad, Hellish James Baker
- VICE PRESIDENT
@ Isn't Percieved
- BERKELY, CALIFORNIA
@ Fear icky neoliberal
- GENERAL MOTORS
@ Largest No More
- PRESIDENT FIDEL CASTRO
@ Cast friendlier despot
- STATEN ISLAND
@ Nastiest Land
english.147dejanr,
Dear Brad: this *is* a true story. it happened to me this evening.
(2/24/92)
Intro: I have been lifting weights semi-regularly for the past month.
With this in mind . . .
Phone rings:
ME: Hello? (of course)
PARTY: Hello, Shannon? This is Lisa. I was told you do personal
training.
Me: Uh, no...
Lisa: Oh, I'm so embarassed. You sure you don't do personal training?
Me: Yes . . .(getting slightly confused, and somewhat irritated)
Lisa: Do you want to?
Me: No, I don't really have time. And I don't really know enough
about it.
Lisa: Well, a lady at the gym told me you did training. I guess it
was another Shannon Wells. Oh, I'm so embarassed.
Me (thinking, "no big deal, lady, geez!"):
What gym? Johnson Center?
(the university gym, ie, the only one I go to)
Lisa: No. You SURE you don't want to do any training? I have a dog
collar to wear and everything!
Me: (What the hell . . ?) No, I don't -
Lisa: Oh, I'm sorry . . . (sigh, whines) I'm so horny . . .
Me: (firmly) good *bye*. . . click.
english.148dejanr,
In what must be one of the better puns to come out of the US Presidential
race so far, the cover of the latest Time Magazine features a closeup
of a certain extremely rich Texan, with the large caption
english.149dejanr,
Q: In what way do Rodney King and Bill Clinton differ?
A: One took 56 hits, and the other doesn't know how to take even one.
english.150dejanr,
This is how the system really works.
Lots of rich Democrats splash out money on advertising campaigns
and do their best to dig up dirt on each other. The one with the
silliest name (Tsongas) drops out through lack of money. Every
so often someone suggests Teddy Kennedy, just to make the other
candidates look good by comparison. Bill Clinton commits
adultery, smokes pot, kills 200 with a chain saw etc. but it's in
fashion this year so that's all right isn't it. Since everyone
else is even worse, Clinton gets nominated.
Meanwhile, George Bush is being challenged by various raving
fascists who want to know why he hasn't nuked China yet. Despite
having Dan Quayle round his neck, he brushes these challenges off
fairly easily, and even shrugs off a last-ditch attempt by
Hercule Perot. Unfortunately Nero Wolfe isn't standing, or he
would have got the nomination.
So we go into the final with Bush against Clinton. Now it gets
really dirty. Bush's mob make up various stories proving that
Clinton is (a) Black (b) Chinese (c) Mentally Ill (d) Dead (e) A
Communist and (f) Neil Kinnock. In return Clinton points out that
Bush is an incompetent wally who is unfit even to run a computing
service. Stalemate.
So the voters decide, and the winner is Abraham Lincoln who
turns out not to be dead after all, at least not in comparison
with Ronald Reagan, so everyone lives happily ever after.
english.151dejanr,
STANDARD USENET REPLY FORM
To :_________________________
From:_________________________
I have read your recent post concerning_________________________
posted to _____________________. I regret that due to severe time
constraints I am unable to respond to your posting directly. However,
I would like to advise you that I believe that your posting:
__contains an unacceptable ____logic
number of errors in: ____fact
____spelling/grammar
__is based on stereotypes of: ____race, ethnic, national origin
____gender differences
____sexual orientation / preferences
____regionalisms
____employer and/or school affiliations
____religious affiliation/non-affiliation
__violates commonly-accepted ____.signature size
net standards concerning: ____posting to world distribution subjects
not of general interest
____posting elementary technical questions
which should be resolved at local site
____limiting postings to appropriate groups
only
____editing of quoted material
____posting of copyrighted material
__is uninteresting because it ____contains hackneyed expressions
____contains outright stupidities
____is inherently self-contradictory
____reflects inadequate intellectual
development or maturity
____reiterates points made better by others
____is a gratuitous attack on an obvious
provocateur
__contains inane offers to ____SAT scores
make comparisons with other ____genital size
readers concerning: ____frequency of sexual activity
____age at first exposure to computers
____knowledge of obscure technical
information not of general interest
__reflects serious mis- ____the basic functioning of USENET
understandings concerning: ____your role in the functioning of USENET
____other's interest in what you do or don't do
____the nature of sarcasm or satire
or humor in general
english.152dejanr,
How many analyst/programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Sorry, that would only be a temporary fix and we're working
on a permanent solution.
english.153dejanr,
During the second world war a company of British
soldiers was camped in the desert. Unfortunately, one day
their cook was killed in an accident. So they drew straws to
select a new cook and the job fell to a young private. Now
being company cook was a dreadful job, but it wasn't working
out in the cook-tent in the blazing sun cooking up greesy
slop that bothered our young private - it was the constant
complaints. Nothing saticfied the men, and finally the
private could stand it no longer. "Listen," he said "the
next person who complains about my cooking, gets the job!"
Then he went out into the desert and gathered up a big bag
of fresh cammel shit, took it back to the tent, and cooked
it up as meat-balls for breakfast next morning. Well, come
breakfast the men all sat in silence looked at the mess on
their plates. Then finally a man rose to his feet and said
"Private! This is shit! Mind you, it's very nicely cooked."
english.154dejanr,
THE LOS ANGELES TIMES April 29, 1995
Three years after their acquittal on 10 of 11 criminal charges stemming
from the brutal beating of motorist Rodney King, four Los Angeles police
officers were convicted yesterday on five counts of violating King's civil
rights. The men will be sentenced tomorrow and face up to thirty years in
prison. Immediately after the verdict was announced, overjoyed celebrants
took to the streets, smashing windows, looting stores, and beating passers-by.
english.155dejanr,
From comedian Richard Lewis:
"I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat
my M & M's one by one with a glass of water."
english.156dejanr,
Okay, here's another one courtesy of soon-to-be jokemeister Mark Bell.
He claims it is of Spanish origin, but I wouldn't trust a bespectacled
Australian.
A man's house is broken into one night, and his TV and VCR are stolen.
However, the next week, the thief is miraculously caught by the police,
and the stolen goods recovered. Testament, no doubt, to the efficiency
of the Spanish police force.
So the man who was robbed strolls down to the police station and demands
to speak to the thief. The police explain to him that that is not
necessary because he was caught red-handed, is sure to do time, and all
the property had already been returned to the rightful owner.
But the man was not satisfied. So the police ask him exactly WHY he
wants to talk to the thief. The man looks about sheepishly then, in
a softer voice, enunciated: "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife."
english.157dejanr,
I heard this on CBC Radio news last night...
They were talking to people who were looting a record store in L.A.
"What did you get?"
"Gospel tapes, I LOVE Jesus."
english.158ndragan,
Q: What is the capacity of elevators in Biafra?
A: 400 kg or 800 persons.
Q: How do you put a Biafran in a matchbox?
A: No way, unless you pull out at least one match out of the box.
Q: What is the difference between a Biafran and a tennis ball?
A: A few grams.
Q: How do you put 50 Jews in a VW?
A: Just leave a hundred bucks inside, they'll go in themselves.
Q: Why do the Jews have big noses?
A: The air is free.
Zapisao po sećanju onako kako sam čuo '72.
Bue_ Ndragan
english.159wizard,
>> Zapisao po sećanju onako kako sam čuo '72.
Ti kad čuješ na engleskom i pamtiš na engleskom? :)
<<nenad<<
english.160ndragan,
/ Ti kad čuješ na engleskom i pamtiš na engleskom? :)
About exactly so - legs how (nogekako). I told you da sam bio dežurni
simulantni prevodilac.
english.161mladenp,
<<< BUEF78::DUA0:[NOTES$LIBRARY]VICEVI.NOTE;1 >>>
-< Male sale za prijatno popodne >-
===============================================================================
=
Note 88.0 Bastard Operator From Hell 1-10 No
replies
UBBG::EZONJIC 1022 lines 18-SEP-1992
01:30
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
Zdravo,
Ko ima vremena, a i zna English, neka procita cuvenog THE BASTARD
OPERATOR FROM HELL u 10 nastavaka. Kad procitate shvaticete zasto
su nasi operateri najbolji na svetu :-)))
Inace, ovo je sa Usenet-a i relativno je frisko:
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #1
I'm still bored.
But at least now the radio's off, it was on it's 12 repeat of "Wildfire" THIS
WEEK, and it's only Tuesday; shit I hate that.
So anyway, I quicklime the engineer to remove any fingerprints and then FedEx
him back to headquarters and set about waiting for the engineer.
Now the second engineer only has to come out after another 4 hours, there's no
death of engineer penalty clause, (but I'm thinking about asking for one) so
I've got to fill in some time. This guy's going to be a technical engineer,
the sort that comes in with a raggedy tie where he got it caught in the drum
printer at 3000 rpm a couple of years ago, and he'll have the grazes on the
face that indicate that he didn't get the gate open in time... I know these
sorts...
So I fill in a couple of hours by killing users off and deleting their files,
then waiting for them to call...
"Um, I can't find my files" the wimpering simp on the phone says
"Files? What files?"
"The files in my account. My thesis, my research - all gone!"
"Gone ay? What's your username?"
"TURGEN"
"TROJAN?! LIKE THE CONDOM?"
"No TURGEN. T-U-R"
"OH Turgen, like TURD, but with a GEN instead of a D... Ok lets see"
I make vague clicking noises my dragging the quicklimed man's fingers
back and forth across the keypad.
"Uh-huh" >drag drag< "Yeah.." >dragedy poke< "AH! - You haven't got any
files"
"I KNOW!"
"Well, what are you calling ME for? We don't make the files you know, we just
look after them. And chopitty-chop too, your thesis looks like it's due in a
couple of days.."
I hang up - he'll call back. Meantime I open up a copy of "VMS BASTARD
OPERATORS MANUAL FROM HELL" I'm reading the article I sent in about getting
rid of those trouble users...
"... Modify the user's password minimum from 6 to 32 letters, give
the password a 1 day lifetime, set it so that they HAVE to
use the password generate utility when they change their
password (so their password will always be something that
looks like vaguely pronouncable line-noise), add a secondary
password with the same as the above, then redefine their CLI
tables so that the only command that works is DELETE, and all
other commands point to it."
Beautiful. Shit I'm good.
He calls back.
"MY FILES ARE GONE!" he screams, panicking.
"Did you have a backup?" I ask, as sweet as pie
"But that's what you people are supposed to do!" he sobs
"Yeah, well we did - but then we switched to those 8mm tapes, and they're
the same size as the ones in my video camera, so I've been using them to
tape the neighbour's sex romps..."
I hear the revolver go off, but what the hell, it's 5pm, and not my problem...
******************************************************************************
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #2
I'm sitting at the desk, playing x-tank, when some thoughtless bastard rings
me on the phone. I pick it up.
"Hello?" I say.
"Who is this?" they say
"It's me I think" I say, having been through a telephone skills course
"Me Who?"
"Is this like a knock knock joke?" I say, trying anything to save myself
having to end this game.
Too LATE! I get killed.
Now I'm pissed!
"What can I do for you?" I ask pleasantly - (one of the key warning signs)
"Um, I want to know if we have a particular software package.."
"Which package is that?"
"Uh, B-A-S-I-C it's called."
>clickety clickety d-e-l b-a-s-i-c.e-x-e<
"Um no, we don't have that. We used to though.."
"oh. Oh well, the other thing I wanted to know was, could the contents of
my account be copied to tape to I have a permanent copy of them to save at
home in case the worst happens.."
"The worst?"
"Well, like they get deleted or something..."
"DELETED! Oh, don't worry about that, we have backups" (I'm such a *shit*)
"What was your username?"
He gives me his lusername. (What an idiot)
>clickety clikc<
"But you haven't got any files in your account!" I say, mock surprise leaping
from my vocal chords.
"Yes I have, you must be looking in the wrong place!"
So first he spoils my x-tank game, and now he's calling me a liar...
>clickety click<
"Oh no, I made a mistake" I say
Did he mutter "typical" under his breath? Oh dear, oh dear..
"I MEANT TO SAY: That username doesn't exist"
"Huh? >wimper< It must do, I was only using it this morning!"
"Ah well, that'll be the problem, there was a virus in our system this
morning, the... uh... De Vinci Virus, wipes out users who are logged in
when it goes off."
"That can't be right, my girlfriend was logged in, and I'm in her account now!"
"Which one was that?"
He tells me the username. Some people NEVER learn..
"Oh, yeah, her account was just after we discovered the virus."
>clickety clikc< "..she only lost all her files"
"But..."
"But don't worry, we've got them all on tape"
"Oh, thank goodness!!!"
"Paper tape. Have you got a magnifying glass and a pencil. SEE YOU IN THE
MACHINE ROOM!!!! NYAHAHAHAHAHA!"
I'm such a prick!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #3
So I'm working so hard I barely have time to drive into town and watch a movie
before I told people their printing will be ready. The queue's WAAAAY too
long to have everything printed (and sorted) by the time I told them, so I
kill all the small jobs so there's only 2 left and I can sort them in no time.
Then, after the movie, (which was one of those slack Bertolucci ones that takes
about 3 hours till the main character is killed off in a visionary experience)
I get back and clear the printouts.
There's about 50 people waiting outside and I've got two printouts. That's
about average for me. I thought I'd killed more tho. Anyway, I put out
the printouts and walk slooowly inside, fingering the clipboard with "ACCOUNTS
TO REMOVE" in big letters on the back. No-one says anything. As usual.
. . .
I'm sitting back in the Operations Armchair, watching the computer room
closed circuit TV, which just happens to be connected to the frame-grabber's
Video player (sent off for repair, due back sometime in '94) when the phone
rings. That must be the 2nd time today, and it's really starting to get to
me!
"Yes?" I say, pausing the picture.
"I've accidentally deleted my C.V!" the voice at the other end of the line
says.
"You have? What was your username?"
He tells me. What the hell, I AM bored.
"Ah no, you didn't delete it - I did."
"What?"
"I deleted it. It was full of shit! You didn't ever get more than a B- in
any of your subjects!"
"Huh?"
"And that crap about being a foreign exchange student, that was your girlfriend
and we both know it."
"Huh?!!"
"Your academic records. I checked them, you were lying.."
"How did y.." He clicks. "It's you isn't it? THE BASTARD OPERATOR FROM
HELL!"
"In the flesh, on the phone and in your account.... You shouldn't have called
you know. You especially shouldn't have given me your username.." >clickety<
>click< "Neither should you have sent that mail to the System Manager telling
him what you think of him in graphic terms..."
"I didn't send any.."
>clickety< >click<......
"No, you didn't did you? But who can tell these days. Not to worry though,
It'll all be over VERY soon.." >clickedy clikc< "..change my username back,
and..."
"b-b-b.." he blubs, like a stood-up date
"Goodbye now" I say pleasantly, "you've got bags to pack and a life to start
over..."
I hang up.
Two seconds later the red phone goes. I pick it up, it's the boss.
He mumbles the username of the person I was just talking to, mentions something
about a nasty mail message, and utters the words "You know what to do...", with
the dots and everything.
Later, inside the Municipal Energy Authority Computer, as I'm modifying the
poor pleb's Energy Bill by several zeros, I can't help but think about what
lapse of judgement - what act of heinous stupidity causes them to call.
Then, even later, when I'm adding the poor pleb's photo image over the top
of the FBI's online "MOST Wanted Armed and Dangerous, SHOOT ON SIGHT" offenders
list, I realise, I'll probably never know; but life goes on.
A couple of hours later, as I see the SWAT vehicle roll up outside the poor
pleb's apartment I realise that for some, it just doesn't.
But tommorrow is another day.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #4
It's a thursday, and I'm in a good mood. It's payday. I think I'll take
some calls. I put the phone back on the hook. It rings.
"I've been trying to get you for hours!" the voice at the other end screams
"Not, it can't be hours" I say, putting Blade Runner back into it's cover
and looking at the back, "it was more like 114 minutes. I was on a long phone
call with the big boss, trying to get you users some better facilities"
Hook; Line; and Sinker...
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"That's ok, I'm a tolerant person" I make a mental note to change his password
to something nasty in the next couple of days.
"Um, I need to know how to rename a file" he says.
Oh dear... Hang on, it's payday isn't it?! I'm in a good mood.
"Sure. You just go 'rm' and the filename"
"Thanks"
"No worries" (Now I'm in a REALLY good mood. I think I just might write that
script to make saving impossible on rogue at random times like I've been think-
ing about)
The phone rings again.
"Hello?"
"Hi there" I say
"Is this the Operators?"
"Yes it is" I say, nice as pie
"Could you get my printouts out please. I need them urgently, and I printed
them over 5 minutes ago"
"Your username?" I ask
He gives it to me, and I write it down for later. "No worries at all!" I say,
and head to the printers.
There's a HUUUUUUUGE pile of printouts there, and sure enough, his is at the
top of the pile. I pick it up, split it out of the rest and pour our ink-
stained cleaning alcohol all over it, run it over a couple of times with the
loaded tape trolley then slam it in the tape safe door some times as well.
Beautiful.
"Here's your printout" I say "Sorry about the delay, we've got a few printer
problems."
He takes a look and shits himself.
"Well, can I print it again?" he asks, worried
"Sure you can" I say "But no promises, the printer's a bit stuffed today"
"Well can I print it on laser - is that working?"
"Yeah of course, but that'll cost you" I say, oozing compassion for the geek
"It doesn't matter about the cost, THIS IS URGENT!"
I slide-on back into the printer room and put in the toner cartridge we save
for special occasions - the one that prints thick black lines down the middle
of the page and is all faint on one side. It took me quite a while to make it
like that too. The printout shoots through and I bring it out immediately -
I don't want to miss this!
"W-w-what's happened to my printout?" he geek-squeals at me.
Lucky I wrote that username down - I'm really starting to develop a taste for
torture.
"Well nothing. I mean sure, it's a little soiled, but that cartridge has
already done 47 thousand pages and been refilled 17 times. It's quite good
compared to some we get"
Geek pays up and starts blubbing.
"Hey now. There's no reason to cry! Have you got a disk with your work on
it?"
He gives me a box of diskettes and I step inside and run them across the bulk
eraser. I come back out again.
"Sorry, I just remembered, our machine is on the fritz, you'll have to take
these to the other side of campus to the machine there, it'll print them ok,
and it had a brand-new toner yesterday."
"GREAT!"
"No worries. Oh, and hold the disks above your head the whole way there, the
earth's magnetic field is particularly strong today."
"Huh?"
"No arguements, just do it."
He wanders off, hand held high. Shit I hate myself sometimes.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #5
I'm bored senseless, so I pass the time by reading users email. I must admit
that today's lot is PARTICULARLY boring, not one good message in all of them.
I was expecting at LEAST some veiled reference to a grope in a storeroom, but
nothing. So I'm bored senseless by the usual drivel about some relative's
surgery and how the weather is over the other side of the world - that sort
of crap.
To relieve the boredom, I remove a e-mail party invite from a user's mail
and post it under the senders username to to alt.singles.with.severe.social.
dysfunctions on news, and make a note in my diary to be there with my
camcorder. Should be a blast!
Next in line is the online medical records database, in which the company
doctors store the current medical histories of the staff. I grep it quickly
for "herpes" and "syphillus" and sell the results to the local scum newspaper.
I cover my tracks by adding an entry to one of the doctor's online electronic
diarys for yesterday saying "$500, Med Recs To Paper" I think that's all it
should take..
I move some tapes from the racks to the trolley to make it look like we really
use them, then start looking thru archie listings for a hidden x-gif site. I
find one then start a batch job running under some user's account to get them
all back, charged to him. I make sure he's got enough disk for the job by
removing any files not related to the task at hand. Like all those "Doctorate
Final Report" papers that have got quite large in the last couple of weeks.
I go back to the mail now, as something's bound to have happened. I do a grep
on all mail files for the words "pregnant" and "family way", and post them
anonymously to the local general interest newsgroup.
Then, before anything can happen, the power goes out! The next second, the
phone rings.
"Hello?" I say, annoyed - the coyote was just about to kill roadrunner again!
"Has the comput.."
I hang up. This is a matter of life or death. Quick as I can I rip the
computer power cable out of the UPS and plug the TV in. Damn! Wylie missed
again!
Meantime, all the alarms are going off like crazy as the disks spin down, but
that's ok, because my Mac and Terminal are hardwired to the UPS in any case;
and I'm at the Beer Factory level in Dark Castle too.
The phone rings, so I pull the PABX breaker on the UPS switchboard and it
stops. Now to look like I'm working. I break out the puck and the hockey
stick and play a little one-on-wall. From the observation window it'll look
like I'm being blindingly efficient, as per usual.
10 Minutes later, the power is back and we're two HDA's down, but what the
hell, I haven't lost a man, I'm onto the final screen, and there's more
cartoons!
The phone rings, it's a luser. (What a surprise)
"Computer Room" I say, being efficient
"Hello, when will the compu..."
I hang up.
I'm doing well in the screen, all I need do is get past the wizard who throws
spells at you and I'm in!
The phone rings again. I put it on hands free
"Computer Room" I shout, still deep in the game.
"I've lost my files" a user whines over the loudspeaker
"You bet you have" I say, as my concentration lapses just long enough for
me to get zapped by the wizard.
"What was your username?" I say, all sweetness and smiles
He tells me, I look, and he's right. Shit, and I didn't even do it!
Not to be outdone, I change his login directory to the null device, set his
path to "." and redefine the command "news" to execute a script in his old
login directory to send a nasty message to the equal opportunities officer,
then delete itself.
Now that's trying!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #6
It's friday, so I get into work early, before lunch even. The phone rings.
Shit!
I turn the page on the excuse sheet. "SOLAR FLARES" stares out at me. I'd
better read up on that. Two minutes later I'm ready to answer the phone.
"Hello?" I say.
"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOU ALL MORNING?!"
I hate it when they shout at me early in the morning. It always puts me in a
bad mood. You know what I mean.
"Ah, yes. Well, there's been some solar activity this morning, it always
disrupts electronics..." I say, sweet as a sugar pie.
"Huh? But I could get through to my friends?!"
"Yes, that's entirely possible, solar activity is very unpredictable in it's
effects. Why last week, we had some files just dissappear from a guys account
while he was working on it!"
"Really?"
"Straight Up! Hey, do you want me to check your account?"
"Yes please, I've got some important stuff in there!"
"Ok, what's your username..."
He tells me. Honestly, it's like shooting a fish in a barrel. Twice.
With an Elephant Gun. At point blank range. In the head.
(Do I really need to tell you the clicky clicky bit? I think not)
"How many files are in your account?" I ask
"Um, well there should be about 20 in my thesis writeup, 10 or so with the
data for it, and another 20 or so in a book that I'm writing"
"Hmmm. Well, I think we caught it just in time. You've still got 2 files
left... .cshrc and .login"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhh!"
He sobs into the receiver a bit - it really turns my stomach.
"What can I do?" he sniffs
"Ok, do you have any of your stuff backed up on floppy?"
"Some, but it's weeks old!"
I fire up the bulk eraser.
"Ok" I say "How about I come out and load all that data onto your account
pronto so you can get some work done?"
"That'd be great, but it's all at home" he wimpers. "I spose I'll just load
it all in myself tonight"
"Sure. But remember what I said, solar flares are bad for disks and machines.
Protect your disks from solar activity to prevent them losing their data"
"How do I do that? Wrap them in tin-foil?"
"NO! TIN FOIL'S THE WORST THING! YOU KNOW WHAT TIN FOIL DOES IN A MICROWAVE
DON'T YOU?!"
"Yes.."
"Then don't use it. There's only one thing that protects disks from solar
activity.."
"What's that?"
"MAGNETS. Wrap your disks up in a pillow case with lots of magnets - Solar
Flares hate that"
"Wow! Thanks"
"No worries at all..."
Shit I'm good!
english.162mladenp,
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #8
So I manage AT LONG LAST, to get a couple of hours off for lunch, AND, because
I can't leave my desk unattended, I get the janitor in and have him sit in
my chair. I tell him that all he has to do is make sure the receiver doesn't
accidentally get put back on the hook. He agrees and I'm off.
First stop, the bank. I change a $50 note into quarters and then ask to see
a balance of my account. Then I yank the power lead out of the teller's vdu.
It dies. I say I'm in a hurry and is the manager around?
He rolls over like a man-sized twinkie and asks what the problem is. I say
that all I want is a balance of my accounts. I cross my fingers. YES!
He finds the vdu lead out, plugs it in, and logs in, TO THE MANAGER'S ACCOUNT.
Now's my chance - I slip up against the counter, slopping 200 coins across the
counter. The manager ignores it, but all the tellers dive for the money. I
watch, unobserved, as the manager types in his password at the breakneck speed
of one character a minute. At that rate I should've got $100 worth....
He finishes typing. "MONEY". What a toughy! Well, that's my mortgage taken
care of tonight...
A user that I recognise from "D(eletion) day '89" approaches. I think he's
going to talk to me. Even the bank manager is shaking his head furiously.
But it's too late, he stops.
"Um, excuse me, Could you tell me what is the best computer to buy to do my
thesis on?
?!
Right.
"You've heard of Commodore 64's?" I ask
"Yes?.."
"Avoid them like the plague! Not many people know this, but computers aren't
made to handle that much memory - it's over 64,000 things, more in some cases.
It's a recipe for disaster!"
"Oh!"
"Try something safe and proven. A ZX81 with dual cassette drive if you can
get it. The 1K ram model. Write that down. Don't buy a disk drive - You
know how they're always failing, but music cassettes last forever!"
"Hey thanks!"
"No worries. What was your username again?"
He tells me. Just in time for D-Day 92. You'd think they'd learn.
I get back to work and the janitor's asleep at the terminal. I ask him if he
wants to work here too, but he likes the ability to bust in on people when
they're in the toilet...
I put the phone back on the hook, and straight away it rings. I hate it when
it does that, it takes me AGES to get my walkman phones in.
It's the hottest hosemonster I've ever met, and she's got a computer problem!
I love it when that happens!
"What's your username?" I ask
She tells me (as if I didn't know)
Quick as I can I read all her e-mail (mostly boring stuff), then grep everyone
else's mail files for her username. Nothing. Excellent!
"What's the problem?" I ask, all smiles and charm.
"I can't save my documents, it says something about space."
"Not a problem for long" I say, and delete everyone else on the same disk as
her. "You should be fine now.."
"Thank you so much" she gushes.
I make a mental note to do something to her account again tomorrow.
"No worries."
The phone rings almost before I've got it on the hook.
"My files are all gone!" a voice whines out at me.
"When did this happen?" I ask.
"Just now..." he says, through the tears
"I see. Well, I wouldn't worry, there's three days till the end of the
semester, if you work day and night until then, you should get at least a C-"
He sobs a couple more times then hangs up. What a wimp.
THE PHONE RINGS AGAIN!
"The screen on my PC is really dim" The woman at the other end says "Should I
wind the brightness knob up?"
"NO!" I scream "Don't touch that knob! Have you any idea of the radiation
that comes out of that thing when the knob gets wound up?!!!!"
"Well I..." she says, all uncertain
"TAKE MY ADVICE!" I say "There's only ONE way to fix a dim display, and that's
by power surging the drivers"
The words "power surging" and "drivers" have got her. People hear words like
that and go into dummy mode and do ANYTHING you say. I could tell her to run
naked across campus with a powercord rammed up her backside and she'd probably
do it... Hmmm...
"Have you got a spare power cord?"
"No.."
"Oh well, never mind, we'll have to do the power surge idea... Ok, quick as
you can, I want you to flick the power switch of your PC on and off 30 times"
"Should I take my disks out?"
"NO! Do you want to lose all your data!?!"
"Oh. No! Ok.."
I listen carefully.. ..
...clicky..clikcy...clikky.. .. .. ...clicky. ...cliccy..
. . BOOM!
Amazing, it probably made it to 27 - the power supply usually shits itself
at 15 or so...
"MY COMPUTER BLEW UP!!!" she screams at me down the line
"Really? Must've been a dodgy power supply! Lucky we found out now! Is your
machine still under warranty?"
"NO!"
"Dear oh dear. Well, Best get it repaired then. Did you backup your files?"
"Yes, to the system, Yesterday, but all this morning's work is gone!"
"Oh dear. What was your username, I'll just check that your backups worked
ok?"
She tells me....
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #8
I'm at my desk as usual, and a user calls.
"Hello Computer Room, Simon here, How can I help" I answer
"I can't get into my account!" A user mumbles at me.
"What was your username please?" I say
They give me their username. No worries. I look in their account.
"No worries, it was just a badly made login file. I've fixed it, you should
be able to login."
"Thanks!"
"No worries. Have a nice day!"
WHAT IS THIS? you're asking yourself. Has the BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL
turned over a new leaf? Sold out?! GONE INSANE?!!!
Nope. The BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL is being logfiled. And if that's happen-
ing, I'm being bugged as well. So I'm being nice till I can find the bugs. It
shouldn't be long - bear with me.
Ah. One in the phone handpeice. Basic. But then the boss is a sneaky sort,
so there's probably a couple more. Ah! And another in the base of the phone
and one inside my keyboard. Time for a mad coffee-spilling frenzy. This is
a big job, so I bring the whole jug over and wait for a witness. The System
Manager comes in.
"Where's that report of mine?" he asks in a surly manner - he's obviously
pissed that I haven't implicated myself yet. Antagonist Identified. As
the Principal of "BASTARD OPERATOR SCHOOL" (me) will tell you, "There's no
problem so large it can't be solved by killing the user off, deleting their
files, closing their account and reporting their REAL earnings to the IRS"
I pull his printout from under the coffee jug where I put it, and the coffee
splashes all over the phone and keyboard, which for some reason were stacked
on top of each other.
"Woopsy!" I say, mock horror on my face. The System Manager's face tells
me I was right in my guess.
"Don't think you'll get away with this!" he snarls and stomps off.
I click on the ethernet monitor and watch the traffic coming out of his PC.
Ah! A memo, authorising the termination of my contract, going to the laser in
the director's office. I make a few alterations to the file in the spool
directory and let it go to it's destination. I run my dinky little program
that deposits -522 to the PC and our mainframe shits itself.
Later, while booting, I'll remove that nasty logfile business.
Next, I wander into the comms room and plug my earphone into the spare
RS232 port in the Directors office. It's amazing how simple it is to bug an
office once it's got data lines going to it!
Director: "Are you sure about this?"
SysMgr: "OF COURSE!"
Director: "You don't want to reconsider?"
SysMgr "NEVER!"
Director: "Very well, I'll fax it to staffing now.."
SysMgr "EXCELLENT!"
Two seconds later the System Manager strolls in smiling.
"Well, I'll really miss you Simon.." he says, full of himself.
"Oh?" I say, all sweetness and charm "Where are you going?"
"No Simon" he says, with glee "You're going"
"A PROMOTION!" I say "You've finally written that letter to the head of
staffing telling him he's a bum-sucking arse bandit and that you quit?"
"No..."
"Are you sure? It's much better than the one about me being fired.."
"Y.." His eyes widen slightly
It's like clubbing a seal to death with a foam cushion. He runs to stop the
fax. Only, having just resigned, >clicky cklikcy< his card key no longer
works...
Ametuers...
The Phone rings. It's the same guy as before
"I can get into my account now, but I've run out of disk"
"Hang on, I'll see what I can do"
>clicccky<...
rm -r *
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #9
I'm driving to work and I'm stuck behind this old guy, the classic slow driver
from hell, whose car red-lines at 20 mph and can't take corners at more than
5. I honk my horn but his hearing aid's probably turned way down to "whisper",
so I'm stuck.
I make a mental note of his license plate. In fact, I did that 60 times a
minute for 15 and a half minutes. Oh dear.. oh dear.... Looks like another
call to the DMV Database to register a vehicle as stolen by out of town arms
dealers...
I get to work, flick the excuse page over. "ELECTROMAGNETIC RADIATION FROM
SATTELLITE DEBRIS". Fair enough, it looks like it's going to be a good day.
I log into "FUCKYOU", (the help-desk enquiries username) and go into mail.
There's 3 new messages, the first of which is 117 lines long, so it's obviously
a storyteller. Shit, I hate that. Instead of saying "My account needs more
disk space" they tell you about how they're doing this bit of research for a
lecturer and how it's got to be in yesterday, and they almost had it but their
second cousing twice removed had a perforated herpes scab and lost a lot of
blood and had to be rushed into hospital... etc etc. I delete the message.
Second message I read, but it's one of those people who can't handle the mail
interface and send a null message, so all you get is headers. I reply to the
message saying "No worries, we can do that by next tuesday". Hope it was
important.
The last message I leave for tommorrow, because Saturday would be a dull day
if I ever had to work then.
The phone rings. I thought I'd fixed that!
I put it on hands free so I can slop some pizza into the microwave.
"Yes" I call
"Something's wrong with my Boot disk, I can't login to the server"
"Have you got your disk with you?"
"Sure!"
I go get the disk and put it and the pizza in for 5 minutes on "ULTRA-NUKE".
Six minutes later, he rings back.
"It still doesn't work, and now my disk makes a funny noise and smells."
"OH SHIT! It's that electromagnetic radiation from satellite debris again!"
"Really? I think I heard about that!" (What a tool!)
"Yep, I'm sorry, you'll have to buy another disk"
"Oh, that's ok, I don't mind, the old one was getting worn. Thanks"
"Sure, no worries. And be sure to run it through our virus checker FDISK
when you get a lot of important data on it..."
"I will! Thanks!"
"That's Ok - it's my job!"
Xcbzone is running really slow so I kill off a whole lot of database backends
that seem to be hogging all the cpu and get back into my game. Much better.
It isn't easy on the frontline, work work work...
I go to the cafeteria for a quick 2 hour snack - they're so nice to me there.
They always have been, ever since that computer glitch that registered their
kitchen as an organ recipient - very messy. I grab a couple of cans of coke
and some cheese things and cruise on back to the office via the first year
computer funamentals lab. I look in the window on the scene that unfolds it-
self to me - a lab full of first years with no demonstrator.
WELL I'LL JUST HAVE TO HELP!
I walk on in.
"Right, I'm your temporary replacement demonstrator and today we're going
to put our assignments aside for half an hour to learn about the REMARK
function, or, as it's known to the computer literate world, rm.."
I should have been a teacher you know - I've got this way with people...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #10
I get invited to a lecture as a guest speaker in "Computing Operations Fund-
amentals", so I leave the control room in the capable hands of Sam, the
janitor and cruise on down.
The lecture starts and goes ok, then there's a 10 minute period where students
get to ask a "real operator" questions that they have about operations.
I get out my pad and pen.
"Before we get started" I say, "could you just call out your username before
you ask me a question, I find it easier to apply your problem to terms you
would understand better"
The lecturer eats all this up - the personal touch really gets to them.
"First Question, You over there.."
"What do you think of the privacy of individuals on a shared system?"
"What was your username please?"
"CMS1103"
>Scratchy scritch<
"Computer Privacy... Hmmm. This is a toughy really. You mean stuff like
reading the email between you and your counsellor about you not wanting to
come out of the closet?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGH!"
"AH. Well, he seems to have left - must have picked a bad COMPLETELY RANDOM
example. Next question. You, over there..."
"CMS1136. I was.."
"Ah yes, 1136 the only person on campus who subscribes to alt.sex.buggery.by.
sailors.dressed.in.mums.clothing"
"It's purely for research purposes!"
"I'm sure it is. You do a lot of story posting for a researcher don't you?"
"NNGggggAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHGH!"
"Next please..."
...
..
Two minutes later, the lecture theatre's empty.
That's the problem with students today, they just don't want to learn.
I go back to control and Sam's asleep at the console again. I think he's
after my job. I make a mental note to tap into the salary database and
cancel his health and accident insurance payments. You can't be too careful..
I put the phone on the hook for the first time this afternoon and it starts
ringing almost immediately. THAT'S IT! I redirect it to 911 catch a bit of
shuteye. That'll teach them. OOPS! Almost forgot to turn over the excuse
calendar. "STATIC FROM NYLON UNDERWEAR" Nope, too plausable - although in
some cases I could do an on-site check. Nah, can't be stuffed. I'll pick
another one. "STATIC FROM PLASTIC SLIDE RULES" Now THAT'S one with a
challenge!
I un-redirect the phone and drag the rubbish bin so it rests on the printer's
stacker - another job well done. The phone rings - this could be the big one!
"Hello?"
"Hi, Um, how do I spell-check my file?"
"Simple, just type `spell' and the filename"
"Thanks"
I'm so bloody nice this morning. Especially as I know that my version of spell
introduces errors instead of detecting them. Things like changing friend to
freind and vice-versa. What the hell.
The phone rings - it's them again.
"There's something wrong with spell"
"What makes you think that?"
"Because my file is all corrupt now!"
"That doesn't sound like spell to me. Are you logged into thru PC?"
"Yes, but I can.."
"Please, leave the technical diagnosis to me... Now, is there a plastic ruler
somewhere on or in the desk?"
"Um >clunka<, yes..."
"Right. You've got a static buildup on your hard-drive caused by the changing
electrostatic field generated by the ruler - the same one that makes bits of
paper stick to it when you rub it up and down your arm..."
DUMMY MODE ON
"Oh. What do I do?"
"You know how you get paper off a ruler by hitting it on a table lots of times?
Well do that with your PC. Say 20 times - lift it about a foot off the desk &
drop it."
"Oh. OK"
>crash<
>crash<
>crash<
"Um, the screen went dark"
"That's ok, it's supposed to do that - keep going. And when you're finished,
do the screen as well, that static may have gone up the wires to it."
>crash<
>crash<
>crash<...
I hang up. I get up and go out to the public area to put honey in the floppy
drives when a guy who looked like Lee Harvey Oswald runs up to me and shoots
me, only the sound comes from the machine room, and I can hear the ex System-
Managers chuckle....
Later, in the ambulance, I realise. I forgot to get the guys username...
Then everything goes dark
--
english.163kermit,
Svaka čast za Bastard Operator-a. Pogiboh od smeha, plakao sam
koliko je surovo ;)))))
english.164dusan,
U avionu na 8 hiljada metara oba pilota počinju da se smeju ko blesavi, urlaju
od smeha. Prilazi jedan putnik i pita:
-Momci, pa zašto se toliko smejete?
+Pa mislimo šta će da kažu u ludnici kad ustanove da smo pobegli!
english.165ndragan,
/ +Pa mislimo šta će da kažu u ludnici kad ustanove da smo pobegli!
Ako neko misli da ovo nije bilo na engleskom, nek pogleda onaj plus na
početku reda. Tako nešto samo englezi mogu da smisle.
english.166dejanr,
LORD give me patience but make it quick
Death is natures way of telling you to slow down
Women like simple things in life ... like men
Peace is the time between wars
[RCUM::EXTBENO "Beno Janzek"]
english.167dejanr,
As a teaching assistant, I have heard some interesting excuses for late
homework, but this one made me consider actually giving an extension.
"My lab partner's magnetic personality made the disk unreadable."
english.168dejanr,
11) Q: What does having sex with fat girls and riding mopeds have in
common?
A: They are both fun until a friend sees you
14) Q: What's the hardest thing for an AIDS victim?
A: Convincing his mother that he is Haitian.
22) Q: What can a girl put behind her ears to make her look sexy?
A: Her knees
25) Q: How did Helen Kellers parents punish her?
A: They left the plunger in the toilet bowl
29) Q: What would you call a girl who is fat and perverted?
A: A bisexual built for two
49) Q: What goes click click, did I get it, click click, did I get it,
click click, did I get it?
A: Stevie Wonder doing the Rubix Cube.
57) Q: How many Poles does it take to start a car?
A: Five. One to steer, one to work the pedals, two to push and one
to sit under the hood saying "Va-room, Varoom".
58) Q: What are the two biggest Polish lies?
A: The check is in the mouth
I promise not to come in the mail
59) Q: What is the definition of "indiscreet"?
A: Where a black man parks his car.
60) Q: What is the difference between a black and a bicycle?
A: A bicycle doesn't start to sing "Kumbaya, my Lord" when you chain
it to the wall.
61) Q: What are 5 words you never want to hear?
A: I be yo new neighba
62) Q: What is the new disease striking all Jewish women?
A: MAIDS - if they don't get one - they die.
64) Q: What do Somalians use venetian blinds for?
A: Bunk beds
65) Q: What do Yoko Ono and Somalians have in common?
A: They both live off dead beetles
68) Q: How do you start a fire without matches?
A: Hold a piece of toilet paper behind a fat girl wearing corduroys
72) Q: Whats the definition of a metallurgist?
A: A man who can tell if a platinum blonde is a virgin metal or a
common ore
78) Q: Why hasn't a Puerto Rican ever won the Nobel Prize for Literature?
A: The committee won't go to New York City to read the side of a
subway train
79) Q: Why did the Pollack castrate himself?
A: He wanted to win the "No-Ball" Prize
80) Q: How does the newspaper report Puerto Rican social events?
A: "Among those wounded by gunshots were..."
81) Q: Whats the difference between Poland and yogurt?
A: Yogurt has culture
83) Q: What is unique about presidents Washington and Jefferson?
A: They are the last two white men to have those names
85) Q: What appears these days on the sides of Vaseline jars?
A: Pictures of missing homosexuals
90) Q: What do black people and vaginas have in common?
A: They both have big lips, curly hair, and twenty minutes
after they're washed, they smell the same as before.
91) Q: What's the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?
A: One pricks your finger...
93) Q: What do you get when cross a lawyer with a hooker?
A: I don't know, but when it sucks your cock, it doesn't
stop until it draws blood.
94) Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a chicken?
A: One clucks defiance while the other...
98) Q: What do you call a 6'6" black, with a 3" prick who can't play
basketball?
A: Useless
99) Q: What does the proper gay waiter say to another gay in a
restaurant?
A: "May I push your stool in, sir?"
100) Q: What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?
A: You don't have to beg your girlfriend to blow your paycheck.
105) Q: What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A: A whore screws everyone, a bitch screws everyone except you.
108) Q: Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
A: They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers
who are alway playing with them.
110) Q: What do you call a woman who has PMS and ESP?
A: A bitch who thinks she knows it all.
111) Q: What does a computer science graduate say to a humanities
graduate?
A: I'll have the burger and fries, please.
112) Q: Why is it better Jesus was crucified than electrocuted?
A: Because priests would look stupid wearing chairs around
their necks.
117) Q: Why don't men respect women?
A: How could you respect something that bleeds for five days
and lives!?!
118) Q: How many male chauvenists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.
119) Q: What is the primary objective of a street gang member?
A: To pronounce the word "motherfucker" in one syllable.
120) Q: Why does Mike Tyson have tears in his eyes during sex?
A: Mace
[UBBG::ESOKIC]
english.169dejanr,
>From a collection of kids' opinions on the campaign, as quoted in the
Chicago Tribune, 11/3/92.
"I feel Clinton's opposing the Vietnam War isn't an issue, and I probably
would have done the same. As far as Clinton supposedly cheating on his
wife, what do people think he's going to do? Be president of another
country while he's president of ours?"
Tom R., age 12, Woodstock, IL
english.170dejanr,
[Following is from a letter to the editor of "Frequent Flyer" magazine,
October 1990, written by Carl Macina and attributed to him and a
co-flyer, Ron Miller:]
Murphy's Laws for Frequent Flyers
1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the
delay to make the flight.
2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest
gate within the terminal.
3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon
as you touch pen to paper.
6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on
the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just
look for the two largest passengers.
7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to
the lavatory.
8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on
luggage passengers will bring aboard.
english.171ndragan,
Adam 'n' Eve in paradise, sleeping, their heads pointing to the west.
At dawn, Eve looks east and says:
-It' rising!
A bit later:
-Oh you idiot! I meant the sun was rising!
english.172dejanr,
>From: lnd@csa.bu.edu (Levin)
Subject: Logicians' jokes
Heard at 1992 Europ. Summer Meeting of Assn. of Symb. Logic. Author unknown.
1. In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
But, in practice, there is.
2. Profound Truth differs from simple truth in that the negation of a simple
truth is a simple falsehood, while the negation of a Profound Truth may be
another Profound Truth. E.g. a button with "Life is just as simple as it seems"
on one side and "Life is not as simple as it seems" on the other.
--
This is a true story ...
I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas
station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had
left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure
enough, it was lost. Well, he thought for a second and realized that
other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth
going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't
find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure
enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He
tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.
"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that
fits. And this one's even better because it locks ..."
english.173bearboy,
= THE TRAGEDY OF AN ON-LINE ADDICTION =
- by Steve King -
"Did you know that last month's (expletive) phone bill is over
$450?" my wife scolded me in her harshest, my-husband-the-child
voice. "That's more than twice the monthly payment you make for
that (expletive) computer!" she continued as she escalated to
screaming.
"I confess! I confess!" I sobbed. "I'm just an on-line junkie
-- I'm addicted to my modem! I guess I'll just have to join
Modems Anonymous before I owe my soul to the phone company."
As a counselor for Modems Anonymous, I hear numerous variations
of the preceding story every day. That insidious disease, modem
fever, is exacting a tragically large toll from the cream of our
society's computer users. Modem-mania is sweeping through the
very foundations of our country and there seems to be no stopping
it. This disease (yes, it is a social disease of almost epidemic
proportions) is becoming a such calamity that soon there's even
going to be a soap opera about on-line addiction named, "All My
Modems."
If you don't already own one of those evil instruments called a
modem, take warning! Don't even think about buying one. Modem
fever sets in very quietly; it sneaks up on you and then grabs
you by the wallet, checkbook or, heaven forbid, credit cards.
Once you own a modem, you enter the insidious addictive trap by
"dialing up" a friend who also has a modem. For some strange
reason, typing messages to each other fascinates you. (Even if
it is less than 10% of the speed that you can speak the same
words over a normal voice phone link.) Of course, you make
several attempts at hooking up before you finally figure out that
at least one of you must be in the half-duplex mode; that
discovery actually titillates you (sounds impossible, but it's
true).
Then your modem-buddy (friend is too good a term) sews another
seed on the road to on-line addiction by giving you the number of
a local RBBS (Remote Bulletin Board Service). Once you get an
RBBS phone number, you've taken the first fatal step in a journey
that can only end in on-line addiction.
After you take the next step by dialing up the the RBBS your
modem-buddy told you about, you find that it's very easy to
"log-on." This weird form of conversation with an unattended
computer is strangely exciting, much more so than just typing
messages when you're on-line with your modem-buddy. The initial
bulletins scroll by and inform you about the board, but you're
too "up" to comprehend most of it. Then you read some of the
messages in the message section and maybe, in a tenative manner,
you enter one or two of your own. That's fun, but the excitement
starts to wear off; you're calming down. Thinking that it might
be worthwhile to go back and re-read the log-on bulletins, you
return to the main RBBS menu.
Then it happens. The RBBS provides the bait that entices you all
the way into the fiery hell of modem addiction. As you look at
the RBBS main menu to learn how to return to the log-on
bulletins, you find an item called FILES. By asking your host
computer for FILES, you thread the bait onto the hook of
corruption; the FILES SUBMENU sets the hook. You start running
with the line when you LIST the files; you leap into the air with
the sheer joy of the fight when all those public domain program
titles and descriptions scroll by. They're FREE!!! All you have
to do is tell the bulletin board to download (transmit) them to
you. You download your first program and you're landed, in the
creel, cleaned and ready for the cooking fires. In just 55
minutes after you logged-onto the board, you've downloaded six
programs, one of them is Andrew Fleugelman's PC-Talk, version 3
(truly an instrument for evil).
RBBSLIST.DOC, which is also among the files you downloaded,
contains a list of a great number of bulletin boards throughout
the country. (There's evil all around us, constantly tempting
us!) You print the list and find about 60 RBBS phone numbers.
(Have mercy on our souls!) The list also gives you the hours of
operation, communications parameters and informs you about each
board's specialty. You decide to try PC-Talk and use it to
dial-up an RBBS about three states away. Since the line is busy,
you pass the time entering all those RBBS phone numbers into
PC-Talk's voluminous dialing directory.
You try the number again -- still busy. You think, "Hey, there's
one that specializes in Pascal programs. Maybe I'l try it. It's
about half-way across the country, but it's after 5pm and the
phone rates have changed. It won't be too expensive."
The Pascal board answers. After 45 minutes you've downloaded
another five programs. Then you call another board -- only this
one's completely across the country from California, in Florida.
And so it goes on into the night... And the next night... And
the next...
Some days it gets to you. You begin to feel the dirtiness of
modem addiction, particularly when your wife makes you feel like
a child by berating you for those astronomical phone bills -- if
she hasn't divorced you by then. Every time you sit down before
your IBM PC to do some work, you dial up another RBBS instead.
If that one's busy, you call another, and another, until you
connect. Then you feel OK, almost "high." When you finally hang
up, you still can't work; you can only dial up another RBBS.
Your downfall as an on-line addict is just another one of this
society's terrible tragedies, such as polygamy or the compulsion
to circle all the numbers on computer magazine "bingo cards."
Eventually your whole social life relies upon only the messages
you find on electronic bulletin boards; your only happiness is
the programs you have downloaded. (You never try any of them,
you only collect them.)
Hope exists, however. We, the dedicated but under-paid staff of
Modems Anonymous, have done extensive research to find a cure for
modem mania, which has been ruining hundreds of lives. And we
have succeeded in our quest. The cure is really quite simple,
yet effective:
Set up your own remote bulletin board service. Then
all the other modem addicts will phone you, and their
wives can nag at them about $450 phone bills. And you
can find peace -- at last.
english.174dejanr,
The Witty Answering Machine Message List
1
"We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please
leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express
account number and we'll get back to, pending credit approval."
2
"You have reached the <city>,<state> Strategic Air Command Nuclear
Missle Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right
now. At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of
targets and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day."
3
"Hello. This is Chris. John and Mike aren't here right now, but if you
leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can."
4
[imitating Ensign Chekov]
"Oh, sair...it was *Khan*! He made us say things...do things...he
kept us from answering the phone! But Keptin was strong, and if you
leave your name and number, Keptin will get back to you as soon as
he can!" <BEEP>
5
[imitating Mr. Rogers]
"Hello. I'm in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can't come to the phone.
Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone?
Sure...I knew you could." <BEEP>
6
Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if...
Matt: Steve, what are you doing?
Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Matt: No, you're incorrect. It's definitely my turn.
Steve: You fool. I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you doing
with that frying pan?!?
BONK [really loud thud]
Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.
7
"Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?"
8
"This is (#include phone.addr). We are not ... excuse me a moment,
please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of window breaking)
Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later."
9
"Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm.
Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's
not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......"
10
A friend of mine at school has this message, read by three people while
the STAR TREK theme plays in the background.
1: Room 17, the final frontier.
2: These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its 2 semester
mission: to seek out your name and your telepohne number.
3: To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.
11
(Annoying flute music in background)
Good day, Jim. Your contact, [insert name], is not available right now.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name,
number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct
in thirty seconds.
Good Luck, Jim.
12
"Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right
now, but if you leave your name ...", etc.
13
"Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone
right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message I'll
have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in
next week's National Enquirer."
14
In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church music
<In a soft voice> Good Day My child, you have reached {name} dial a confession.
At the tone if you will leave your name, number and short confession I will get
back to you with your pennance. Thank you and may God go with you. <Beep>
15
Hi this is <name>. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.
16
A friend was at a mutal friend's sister's house, and when she went out for
beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravely,
horror-film voice he recorded, "HI, THIS IS KATHY, I'M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW.
IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I'M FEELING
BETTER."
17
I worked for a bit in the coastguard in Wales and I used to send weather
reports to other bases, using a sort of antique FAX machine. I would call
first on a special telephone and then send the data. They used to answer the
pho
ne with:
" Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking."
" Hartland home for lost whores." (that was Hartland CG)
" Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?"
" Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct:
T minus one minute and counting"
And then there was one phone we didn't use, with a number one off that of
the local take-out. With my, non-British, accent I had some great fun with
that phone.
"Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there
is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on
screen?" (silence...click)
"Vancouver coastguard, may I help you." British long distance rates are
phenomenonal and I had this poor dude sputtering with horror that he had
managed
to make a long distance call by dialing five digits.
18
----------------------------------------------------
This is one of my old ones that got a lot of laughs:
<Phone Rings>
Noisy pick-up of phone
Uh...<wisperingly> Hello?
Hi, I 'm a burgular and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine.
If you give me your name and number I'll..uh, I'll post it on the 'frige
where he'll see it. Uh.. by the way, where did you say you live?
19----------------------------------------------------
But right now I'm using "This is a boring answering machine message.
Leave a message anyway." because I'm sick of people ringing the phone
at 10am just so they can hear the clever messages I usually have, and
then hanging up without even leaving a "like your message" message.
Feh!
20----------------------------------------------------
[Must have good Australian accent]
G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with
this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.
21----------------------------------------------------
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and
number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word
is supercilious ...}
22----------------------------------------------------
Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal,
and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.
23----------------------------------------------------
Also, on the subject of answering machins, my favorite tape was:
"This is Jeff, you're not in now so I'll leave a message."
Really confused people.
24----------------------------------------------------
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler
in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the
future....
25------------------------------------------------
Hello. I can't come to the phone now because--HEY, GEORGE! DON'T STAND
ON THAT--goddam. ...because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over
<loud music cuts in>...BARBARA! HEY! DON'T FUCK WITH THAT!...over for
dinner. After the tone...BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG...MILLIE! DOWN GIRL!
...shit...Leave a message after the tone...HEY, FUCKHEAD...<beep>
26------------------------------------------------
Hello. Lindsey's not home now--this is his domestic droid speaking.
I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and
Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.
27_________________________________________________
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
28------------------------------------------------
Ring, Ring:
The number you have xxx-xxxx (your number) has been changed, the
new number is xxx-xxxx (again, your number). CULATA!
29------------------------------------------------
"Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous!
(your name here) can't come to the phone right now, because he's
spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera..."
30------------------------------------------------
One day I had a borrowed Casio sampler toy and used it to create a
rather interesting one:
Hello. You have reached Tooooommmmmm Tom Tm! Tom and
MaMaMaMarMMMMaark's room. Tom is studying ssttuuddyyiinngg sssssssssssss
and MaMark isn'isn'isn'isn't here. isn't here. P-P-Pleas! leave a
messssssssage. Goodbye. 'bye! bye!bbyebybyyeyeyebbye {byes repeating
at all different pitches}
31------------------------------------------------
Last year my roommate had a machine but he hated to make the outgoing
message. Stage fright, I guess. So I usually made them. One that we
usually used during exam time was:
{background music: Billy Joel's _Pressure_ very loud}
Hello. You have reached Tom and Mark's room. We're a little busy now...
{ BJ screams PRESSURE!!! }
So, leave a message and we'll get back to you someday after (exam end
date)
{ BJ: ONE TWO THREE FOUR PRESSURE!!! followed by a very out-of-tune BEEP! }
32------------------------------------------------
My favorite message that I ever had was the *real* message I recorded
off 1-800-CALL-SPY, the U.S. army snitching network. Try it, its a great
recording (call after 5 pm for the message).
[Give it try! -pZ]
33------------------------------------------------
<Ring>
In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans.
<Husky, Soft female voice is best> Hi,... You've just reached {name} pleasure
palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell but when we're done... we'll
get back to you in whatever way we can. <Beep>
You wouldn't believe how much explaining my mother wanted on that one...
34------------------------------------------------
[b.g. music is frantic, violin oriented]
"hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we are currently unable to answer
because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. please leave
a message..." etc.
35------------------------------------------------
[the quiet, eerie vocal part of 'hello, earth' by kate bush]
(after about 30 seconds): "hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx.
we can't come to the phone right now because we're at vespers.
please leave a message..." etc. (30 more seconds of music before
the beep.)
36------------------------------------------------
(Spoken in a granny voice)
"Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like
no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody
got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay
it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a
lot."
Must be spoken in a drawl.
37------------------------------------------------
Well, this isn't strictly from an answering machine, but...
>From Calvin and Hobbes:
(phone rings)
(you answer) Hello, this is <...> speaking. I'd like a large pizza
with extra anchovies.
(other person) What?
(you reply) Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number.
(hang up)
Make everyone's day a little more surreal.
39------------------------------------------------
"I'm home right now . . . I'm just screening my calls. So just start talking
and if you're someone I want to speak to I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise,
well, what can I say?
40------------------------------------------------
In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife.
[sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex]
But this method doesn't work with a telephone call...
[sound effect: dial tone]
Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops,
it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay?
Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you
hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!
41------------------------------------------------
"Hi, you have reached .... Please leave your name, phone number and a
message and if we like it we will return your call".
42------------------------------------------------
However, the most effective one I have had so far can be used only one day
per year: "This is David. I'm not using the phone over Yom Kippur, so please
leave a message or call back after the holiday." No one wants to admit not
having realized it was Yom Kippur or not knowing I would pick one holiday from
the whole calendar on which to get observant, so everyone hangs up and leaves
me no bad news or requests for favors.
43------------------------------------------------
"This is David. Talk."
44------------------------------------------------
"Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a
sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely.
When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one."
45------------------------------------------------
[with a kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra" in the background...]
"Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead
reached..." [YA-DAAAAAAAAA!] "...the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name
and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can."
46------------------------------------------------
"Hello, this is Dr. Pangloss. If this were the best of all possible worlds,
I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your
name and number..."
47------------------------------------------------
"Hello?" <pause for a few seconds> "Sorry, he's not here right now,
but if you leave a message, he'll get back to you."
48------------------------------------------------
(woman taped off a "phone sex" service)
WOMAN : (seductively) Hi. I'm Linda. You know, it can be really lonely
when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to ...
YOU : (interupting) Oh cmon, Linda, give me the damn phone..
(then ask for a message)
49------------------------------------------------
Just after the earthquake a friend of mine put on his answering machine:
"Hi, this is Jeff. We can't get to the phone right now because we
were killed in the Earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a
message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually." BEEP
My favorite post quake message:
"Hi, we're not in cause we're out LOOTING!
Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got."
50------------------------------------------------
"Hello, I'm not hear right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet.
If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you.
Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage
with a vacuum cleaner."
51------------------------------------------------
Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just
a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to
click off music, which gets quiet. sound of person running back
to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!...
uh huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to a machine, so please
leave a message and I'll call you back.
(this ran for a while until a friend threatened to kill us after
she said she had a 2 minute conversation with the machine.)
52------------------------------------------------
"Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now
because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made
up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the
resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker.
So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my
component particles have been restored to their normal charges."
53------------------------------------------------
"Speak, worm!" <beep>
Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice.
54------------------------------------------------
"You know what to do at the tone." <beep>
55------------------------------------------------
"Hello?" <beep>
This confuses anyone who doesn't know you.
56------------------------------------------------
"Hello, I'm not here." <beep>
A friend of mine used this one last summer. I always answered it with
"Okay, that's all I wanted to know."
57------------------------------------------------
Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now.
If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah,
that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John (Chris's boyfriend), Chris
is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one
else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president.
Yeah and the .... pope. Yeah that's it. <beep>
58------------------------------------------------
(in an Italian mafia-style tone:)
"Hello. I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to
stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a
little... <aside> HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name
and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, _you'll_hear_
from_Guido! ( a little laughter )... "
59------------------------------------------------
(To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate instrumental accompaniment)
I just left home baby
I'll be out fer a spell
and if you don't leave a message baby
you can go to <BEEP>
60------------------------------------------------
Hello, this is <insert your name here>. I'm home right now, and in
a few moments, I'll have a decision to make.
BEEEP!
61------------------------------------------------
[Theme from "Indiana Jones" in the background.]
You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't
come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the
refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and
we'll get back to you.
[Theme from "Indiana Jones" continues until the beep.]
62------------------------------------------------
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick
your message to myself with one of these magnets.
63------------------------------------------------
One of my favorites had this very exciting scary music, along with a
kitten crying in the background, and the voice goes:
The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power
supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. If you hang up
before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry
the kitty. The choice is YOURS.... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
64------------------------------------------------
FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW.
THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES...... ~~~
65------------------------------------------------
Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible.
Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... bear
a... er... shalt not witness thy... uh... neighbor's ass,
oh, I mean, false... er... shalt not commit a bear... dern...
66------------------------------------------------
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand
the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens
if I touch this... YOW!!
67------------------------------------------------
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come
to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording
this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to
it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're
listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so
confusing.
68------------------------------------------------
I can't come to the phone now, so... hey -- that's a nice phone
you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet
you have answering machines bothering you all the time... yes
indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can
listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for
you...
69------------------------------------------------
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it!
Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about
it!... Don't...!
70------------------------------------------------
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left
the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to
come out of hiding.
71------------------------------------------------
Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting
down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
72------------------------------------------------
As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on
reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... the
telephone is next to an answering machine... you hear a faint
click and a light flashes on the answering machine... you hear
a beep...
73------------------------------------------------
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel
very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and
your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you
will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
message.
74------------------------------------------------
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No!
Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep!
AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
75------------------------------------------------
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine
Broadcast System. This is only a test.
76------------------------------------------------
Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin
Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...
77------------------------------------------------
[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"]
Leave a message... leave a message... etc.
78------------------------------------------------
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone
right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number,
then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to
mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother...
unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as
soon as possible.
79------------------------------------------------
[For Shakespeare lovers only]
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
80------------------------------------------------
[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal.
[VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
81------------------------------------------------
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the
basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If
you need any money, or if you just want to check out my
handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you
need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the
Treasury, please ignore this message.
82------------------------------------------------
Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's
not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and
confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as
soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless
you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!
83------------------------------------------------
Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15
minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you
weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.
84------------------------------------------------
C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the
way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good
boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one,
beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!
85------------------------------------------------
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel
stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if
you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me
something about myself. Thanks.
86------------------------------------------------
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my
brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings
assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
87------------------------------------------------
Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes
are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll
have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.
88------------------------------------------------
Ok, One more time...
This is our answering machine...
This is the message on our answering machine...
...Any questions?
89------------------------------------------------
Hi, can I speak to Mark?...Oh, there isn't?...I'm sorry,
I must have dialed the wrong number.
english.175dejanr,
90------------------------------------------------
<beep, beep, beep>
The number you have reached,
Seven. Six. Seven. One. Two. Three. Four.
[Use your number here.]
has not been disconnected and is still in service.
Please leave a message at the sound of the tone.
91------------------------------------------------
HANS: This is Hans
FRANZ: And this is Franz, and we just want to...
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
HANS: But we are not at home, you know
FRANZ: Ya, we are gone
HANS: If you want us to...
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
HANS: You will leave a message after the beep
FRANZ: If you don't leave a message, then you are Girlyman.
HANS: Ya, Girlyman. And we don't talk to Girlyman, you know
FRANZ: So leave a message and we will call to..
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
92------------------------------------------------
"Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY -- Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY!
They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there
somewhere. So . . . leave your name and number and tell us where
*YOU* saw Elvis!"
93------------------------------------------------
"Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line where
you can talk to me, Bren. I'll tell you all about how I'm suffering
in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby of being a
power forward for the Portland Trailblazers. I'll tell my deepest
secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by short blonde sorority
girls wearing short jean skirts, and you can decide whether or not
I'm wearing pants. Selected callers will get to talk to me live.
Since you're not one of them, leave your own personal secret at the
beep. "
94------------------------------------------------
In a vaguely phoneco-operator voice: "I'm sorry, you have reached an
imaginary number. Would you please rotate your telephone by ninety
degrees and try your call again."
A few people even got the joke...
95------------------------------------------------
"You have just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center.
Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey.
TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume
incoming, non-important."
96------------------------------------------------
"Sherwood forest, which dear do you want?"
"Lucifer speaking, who in the hell do you want?"
"Heaven, God speaking."
"Bridge, Kirk here."
"City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em; You stab 'em, we slab 'em!"
97------------------------------------------------
"Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are
able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name,
telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell."
98------------------------------------------------
"I've set up my answering machine so that when anyone calls, they
here a busy signal."
99------------------------------------------------
If you are a burgler, then we are probably at home but can't come
to the phone right now
Otherwise, we probably aren't at home.
100------------------------------------------------
The number you've dialed is purely imaginary, multiply by i and dial again!
101------------------------------------------------
This is you-know who.
We are you-know-where.
Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
102------------------------------------------------
" I'm Morley Safer."
"I'm Harry Reasoner."
"I'm ........
"And I'm" <the guy whose answering machine it was>
" We're not home; leave a message."
He had taped the audio of the beginning of 60 minutes; it sounded
very funny.
103------------------------------------------------
"Greetings. You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic Films
Unlimited. Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screen
tests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the late John
Holmes in our upcoming feature film "It's Not the Size That Counts but
Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It." If you're interested in a
screen test, or even if you're not, please leave us your name, age,
phone number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work
experience, both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your
favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of
Cool Whip. Thank you for calling."
104------------------------------------------------
Another one I've done more than once is to slowly increase the pitch
and speed of my voice while recording the message to make it sound
like the machine is broken:
(start, low pitch, slow)
"Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy....
(middle, normal)
..home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark and Mike. Nobody's home...
(later, high pitch, fast)
..butifyou'dliketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen...
(end, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish)
..kkfjdkeirucjkljfkldjrioutjkjfdskoreudjfkleqBEEP!"
105------------------------------------------------
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your
name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach
you, and I'll think about returning your call.
106------------------------------------------------
"E'llo."
"My name is Inigo Montonya."
"You killed my father."
"Leave your name and number, and prepare to die."
<beep>
107------------------------------------------------
My favorite that I have heard as an answering machine message is also
from this movie. My friend recorded the section that goes something
like:
"I'm writing the definative work on pain, and I would like you
to tell me how the machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This
is for posterity."
108------------------------------------------------
The message I currently have on my recorder is the output from my Amiga's
speech sythesizer. It's set up as a dialog between two distict, but
recognizably artificial voices. I thought it sort of mediocre myself, but
have gotten quite a number of amused comments about it.
-----
1> Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
2> Yeah, nobody but us machines!
1> Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave
your name and telephone number...
2> ...and a message! You forgot about the message!
1> Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you
hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people
get back.
2> ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!
109------------------------------------------------
I taped theoperator saying "we're sorry. The number you have reached
has been disconnected or is no longer is service..."
109------------------------------------------------
From Halloween this year:
(Ominous electronic background music.)
Hi, this is Jim. In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform
an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Oh,
unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by?
SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII...
110------------------------------------------------
(French monologue in the background)
Around the world today, millions still speak French as either
a first or second language. But with your continued support
and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave
a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone
tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".
111------------------------------------------------
Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can
talk to my answering machine for only $.95 per minute! Please
leave your credit card number at the tone...
112------------------------------------------------
Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge
drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets
you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone,
and thank you for your pledge.
113------------------------------------------------
(click) "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your
voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for
later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to
use the sound of _your_ voice for literally thousands of illegal
and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial
consultation, however our staff of professional extortionists
will be contacting you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.
Thank you." (BEEEEEEEEEEEP)
114-------------------------------------------
Message: Hi this is Craig's car phone. Craig's at home now, so you can try
calling him there or leave a message after the beep.
Caller's message: Hmmm. Car phone!?! I'll call back later when your out.
-Koris Goudonov
115------------------------------------
Every now and then we are all pestered by these high-tech telemarketing
companies where the sales pitch is usually disguised as a survey of some kind.
The despicable thing about these things is that they won't leave you
alone. If you hang up, they will just call back again.
One day my wife got a call from one of these computer systems, and her
answering machine answered. The conversation that followed was
hilarious, as it consisted of two machines talking to each other
without having the slightest idea about what each other was saying.
The conversation wound up in an endless loop, as follows:
[PHONE] *RING*
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "...At the tone, please give your message.
BEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "Hello. This is [company_name], and we are taking a telephone
survey ... when I ask a question, wait for the beep, then please
speak plainly. I will repeat your answer back to you, and verify it.
First, what is your phone number? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
(The answering machine, upon hearing the beep, got confused and thought
it was a play-back command, and generated another beep in response.)
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "Thank you! Your phone number was 443-28347-47756-377764-22222.
Is that correct? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any children? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] Thank you! What is the age of your first child? BEEEEEEEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "Your first child is 1,222 years old. Is that correct?
BEEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[--------------- BEGIN ENDLESS LOOP ----------------]
[PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any more children? BEEEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "Thank you! What is this child's age? BEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "This child is 4,233 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[---------------------END LOOP -----------------------]
My wife, upon noticing that the answering machine had been going for
over half an hour, turned up the volume to find out what was going on.
When she discovered this endless loop (by now she had over 200 children,
all over 1,000 years old), she switched off the answering machine. The
computer never called again.
115----------------------------------------------------
I had a friend who liked to play with the phones. He got his girlfriend
to sound like an operator and make a tape saying:
"I'm sorry, the number that has dialed you is not in service. Will
you please hang up and let it dial again...<crackle> I'm sorry, the..."
He had a lot of fun calling people up and playing it.
116----------------------------------------------------
I once answered the phone as follows.
" San Luis Obispo Police, Sergeant McCallahan here, may I help you?"
After about five seconds of dead air, I heard a click. About five minutes
later, the phone rang again. This time my roomate answered. It was the same
person that had called a few minutes earlier. It turned out that the long
delay between calls was due to the fact that he had to mooch a quarter for his
next call. He was at a public phone booth and had used his last quarter to
call us. I don't think he talked civil to me for a week...
117----------------------------------------------------
My grandmother had been bothered by calls coming in after midnight,
waking her, and forcing her out of bed and across the house to answer.
Invariably, they were from the same man, seemingly slightly intoxicated,
with bar-crowd noises in the background. He wanted to speak to Peggy,
whoever that was, and my grand mother would tell him there was no Peggy
living there, and that he must have the wrong number. But he wouldn't
believe her, and kept insisting, begging, pleading, etc. to talk to
Peggy. My Grandmother would have to just hang up finally.
This went on for a few days, and late one night, when the phone rang,
my Grandfather held back his wife, and said, "I'll take care of this", and
got out of bed to answer the phone. The ensuing conversation was short and
quick, and went something like this:
"Hello?"
"Hello, Can I speak to Peggy?"
"No, I'm sorry, she can't come to the phone right now-- she's nursing
the baby."
118----------------------------------------------------
Here's my favorite, for calling large offices and idiots-in-general:
"Hello, is this the person to whom I am speaking?"
119----------------------------------------------------
My solution is upon realizing that I'm talking with a "telemarketing
representative", I ask: "Are you a telemarketer?" The answer
(suprisingly) is usually yes. I then go into a sales pitch to
sell a (nonexistant) telephone ear-cusion.
I insist that every telemarketer must have one for safety and comfort.
Eventually, they'll forget to try selling me anything.
120----------------------------------------------------
A recent posting by Duke McMullan requested ways to repel telephone
solicitors. My friend Pepe Tres from Texas told me this one and gave
permission to post it:
"My time is billed at $125 per hour. To continue this
conversation, I must have your MasterCard or Visa number, card
type and date of expiration."
Pepe says it usually leaves them speechless. One guy replied, "Hey,
that's good; I'll have to remember it." Once a supervisor of
telephone solicitors called back and asked him if he was "some kind of
high-powered lawyer."
121----------------------------------------------------
Everybody gets and dials wrong numbers. It's good to be nice about it. What
goes around comes around, right? so, I try to reassure the apologetic and
embarrassed wrong dialers that will actually converse once the error is
discovered, with it going something like this:
caller w. wrong number: "Gee, I'm sorry..."
me: "That's OK, I was going to pick up the phone anyway.."
122----------------------------------------------------
How about the 'Fraudian Slip Answer'? Like this:
<Whoever> here. What can I do to-----I MEAN-----FOR you?
123----------------------------------------------------
Try the following next time the phone rings:
You (when you answer): Hello, is Jimmy there?
Caller: No, I'm afraid you have a wrong number.
You: Oh. Sorry.
Caller: No problem... (click)
124----------------------------------------------------
(Use a strong east Indian accent)
Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of (...).
I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and
which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of
the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when
the stars align properly.
Oooooommmmmmmmmmmmm...
125
(heavy panting and breathing in the background), Oh! Sorry,
I can't come (Oh! Yes! Do it to me) to the (Oh!) phone right
now (pant pant), leave your name and number at the
(scream) (I'm gonna come!!!!!) orgasm.
126
(1) "Hello, this is Ron. (pause) Hello? Hello!!? Nah, just
kidding. This is an answering machine. (etc.)"
127
(2) "Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a
message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil." (background noise -
open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) "OK, what would you like me
to tell me?"
128
Also, something you might do after you've had the machine for a few
months is start answering in person with "Hello, this is a live
voice." (Variation on a theme by "The Cosby Show".) Or you could try
answering your own phone with "Hello, is Ron there?"
129
I actually did this once when a call came in at an inopportune moment:
I picked up the phone, said "Hi, this is Chris. I can't come to the phone
right now, so please leave a message after the tone. -EEEEE-" -- that
last being a tone-like sound - and the caller proceeded to leave name,
phone number, and message, and hang up. I went back to what I'd been
doing.
Before I bought an answering machine, I thought I didn't need
one. Then I started thinking up possible messages, and before
long I had bought an answering machine just so I could put my
messages on it. Here they are. There are plenty of them...
______________
130
Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a
family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep
and whoever wins will call you right back.
131
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it!
Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about
it!... Don't...!
132
Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the persona and private telephone
number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of
the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union
of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the
Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First
Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet
Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the
Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of
the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike.
133
The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave
your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to
invade, and the secret password.
134
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please
rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
135
Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a
moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and
number and I'll be thinking about it...
136
Hi! You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine.
This is the Nineties. You know what to do.
137
I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So
please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower
today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave
a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in
person.
138
Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet
parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've
got to get him to the bathroom. Uh-oh! (Sound of a paper bag
exploding.)
139
(After a power outage:) Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is
that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my
answering machine. So, leave a message.
140
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave
your name and number, I'll be right with you.
141
Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.
142
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in
the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the
toast is done.... (Cachunk!)
143
You've reached the S&M hotline. All our operators are tied up
right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of
transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you
with your penance.
144
Thank you for calling Robert's House of Love. All of our
customer service representatives are, er... busy servicing
customers, so at the sound of the erotic tone, leave your name,
number, and a short description of whatever turns you on...
145
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go
on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to
say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've
decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my
caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long
answering machine message when you call me...
146
Hi, dudes, this is 229-3053, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles'
secret underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now
on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering
machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to
April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think
of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and
we'll ring you right back. But don't say anything yet! Enemy
agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they're
not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can
speak freely.
147
These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.
148
Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.
__________________________
149
Dial some number at random. Ask: "May I speak to Kevin? Oh, wrong number?
Could you please tell him that his pizza is ready?". Hang up.
Dial the same number again 15 minutes later. In a different voice: "May I
speak to Kevin? Oh, wrong number? Could you please tell him that John
called?". Hang up.
Repeat 10 times. On the eleventh: "Hi, this is Kevin. Did I get any
messages?"
____________________________
150
Dial a number. "Hello, this is your local telephone station speaking. We
are sorry to tell you but we are having a terrible fire here at the
station. The fire cannot be controlled, it is spreading over telephone
cables and will reach your house in 5 minutes. So, if you don't want to
burn down your house, hurry up and take your
telephone receiver and throw it into a bucket of cold water!"
Sometimes it works, and people do throw their receivers into water. It is
especially amusing to play this joke on the people whom you intend to visit
later in the day. That way you can come and inspect the damage.
___________________________
151
"Hello, this is your local Zoo speaking. Do you like animals? We are
experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow
us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower?"
The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbour's bathroom is
bigger and better equipped to handle elephants."
_______________________
152
When you knock on somebody's door and they ask "Who is there?", a good reply
is "And who is THERE?"
________________________
153
Hello, this is Lee Iacoca. Today we are soliciting money for the United Negro
College Fund, because a mind is a terrible thing... and they should be
stopped before they hurt somebody. So please leave your credit card number
after the beep. Thank you for your help.
_______________________________
154
I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an
answering machine, maybe its a dream or maybe its an illusion and you don't
really exist. One way to find out, leave a message and if its reality I will
call you back.
+---------------------------------+-------------------------------------------+
| Adam B. Wells | Harvey Mudd College, Claremont, CA |
| awells@jarthur.claremont.edu | "I'm too sexy for my .sig ..." |
+---------------------------------+-------------------------------------------+
--
|R. Andracsek | andra@cs.widener.edu | Voice (215)447-0412
| Coach:"Do you think losing is funny?!?"
| Player:"Not at first, but once you get the hang of it..."
| ---The Mighty Ducks
english.176duke,
││The Witty Answering Machine Message List
Jedan beogradski telefon na poziv odgovara onom melodijom
"Ciganska je tuga pregolema,
što me zoveš kad me kući nema".
Pozdrav, Vlado
english.177petkovicd,
Evo jedan mali primer kako radi sekretarica vecine taxi stanica.
uses crt;
begin
clrscr;
repeat
writeln('Dobili ste ***** taxi.Molim sacekajte !');
delay(500);
until keypressed;
repeat
writeln('TU TUUU');
delay(500);
until false
end.
Drugarica mi je pricala da je neka devojka odlazila sa zurke i startuje
program sa zeljom da krene taksijem kuci.I krene tako ono:
Dobili ste ***** taxi.Molim sacekajte !
Ona se jednom zahvali.
Dobili ste ***** taxi.Molim sacekajte !
Hvala.
Dobili ste ***** taxi.Molim sacekajte !
Hvala.
.
.
I posle ko zna kog puta ljudi shvate da nesto nije u redu neki pocnu i da
se smeju i devojka ljupko konstatuje:
"Ljubazan neki covek !"
english.178dejanr,
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 93 3:20:03 EST
Subject: It's everywhere you want to be
From: theobald@duke.cs.mcgill.ca (Kevin THEOBALD)
Keywords: topical, chuckle, offensive, original
[Footage of bombings in Sarajevo, gun battles, etc.:]
"Bosnia-Herzegovina continues to be ravaged by the worst fighting
in Europe since World War II. Rebel forces besieging Sarajevo
are mercilessly bombing the city to rubble as the terrified
population faces the prospect of mass starvation. In areas under
Serbian control, soldiers ruthlessly sweep through neighborhoods
and kill or expel all Muslims under the policy known as "ethnic
cleansing." The less-fortunate Bosnians are sent to Nazi-like
concentration camps, where they are tortured and starved. Many of
the women in these camps are gang-raped daily by Serbian soldiers."
[Shot of angry-looking gunman at checkpoint pointing rifle at camera,
shaking his head:]
"But if you think THIS is bad, just wait 'til you see what happens to
you if you don't have your VISA card. Because in Yugoslavia, they
don't tolerate ethnic diversity, and they DON'T take American Express!"
english.180dejanr,
From: tchrist@pixel.convex.com (Tom Christiansen)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: "I wanna be a gynecologist!"
Keywords: smirk, sexual
A young man is having his teeth cleaned by his dentist. The dentist
asks, "So tell me, son, what do you what to be when you grow up?"
The adolescent gets a big canary-eating grin on his face and says
with a glint in his eye, "I'm going to be a gynecologist -- it's
got awesome fringe benefits."
The dentist rubs his chin and responds, "You know, that might not
be a very good idea. I spend all day in people's mouths, and when
I come home from work, I don't even want to *kiss* my wife."
--tom
--
english.181ndragan,
/ be a very good idea. I spend all day in people's mouths, and when
/ I come home from work, I don't even want to *kiss* my wife."
Priča se za jednog ovdašnjeg ginekologa da je morao da odradi 16 sati u
komadu kad je kolega iz druge smene slomio nogu. Nakon druge smene
svrati u 'Lokomotivu' na duplu ljutu. Naiđe neka cigančica: "ej,
gospodin, daa m' daš 100 dinara da ti pokažem pi*ku".
"Evo ti 200 samo da ne moram da je gledam"
english.182korvin,
Evo jedan hispano-engleski vic. Treba ga pričati sa jakim meksičkim
naglaskom (a la brzi gonzales):
Did I tell ou story about my friend Pedro Pistolero ?
One day I met my friend pedro Pistolero. He told me:
- Amigo, you are my friend, eat a shit !
Pedro had gun, so I ate it. Tommorow, I met my friend Pedro Pistolero
again. I told him:
-Pedro, ou are my friend eat a shit.
So, because I got a gun he ate it. Day after, I met my friend Pedro
again. He had a gun I had a gun. So, we have a lunch together.
english.183inesic,
> -Pedro, ou are my friend eat a shit.
istim naglaskom
-Pedro, I kill people for money, byt you are my friend, I will kill you
for nothing.
english.184ssokorac,
Sin piše pismo ocu, tražeći pare:
No mon', no fun. Your Son.
Odgovor:
So bad, so sad. Your Dad.
english.185dvidovic,
Iraqi Bingo: B-52... F-16... M-1... F-18... F-117...
english.186dejanr,
Real software engineers don't read dumps. They never generate them,
and on the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely
amused.
Real software engineers don't comment their code. The identifiers are so
mnemonic they don't have to.
Real software engineers don't write applications programs, they implement
algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help
with, that's nice. Don't ask them to write the user interface, though.
Real software engineers eat quiche.
If it doesn't have recursive function calls, real software engineers don't
program in it.
Real software engineers don't program in assembler. They become queasy at the
very thought.
Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. This
process doesn't necessarily involve executing anything on a computer, except
perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
Real software engineers like C's structured constructs, but they are suspicious
of it because they have heard that it lets you get "close to the machine."
Real software engineers play tennis. In general, they don't like any sport
that involves getting hot and sweaty and gross when out of range of a shower.
(Thus mountain climbing is Right Out.) They will occasionally wear their
tennis togs to work, but only on very sunny days.
Real software engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and Spartan purity,
but they find it difficult to actually program in. They don't tell this to
their friends, because they are afraid it means that they are somehow Unworthy.
Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is
described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an
undocumented external procedure.
Real software engineers write in languages that have not actually been
implemented for any machine, and for which only the formal spec (in BNF) is
available. This keeps them from having to take any machine dependencies
into account. Machine dependencies make real software engineers very uneasy.
Real software engineers don't write in ADA, because the standards bodies have
not quite decided on a formal spec yet.
Real software engineers like writing their own compilers, preferably in
PROLOG (they also like writing them in unimplemented languages, but it turns
out to be difficult to actually RUN these).
Real software engineers regret the existence of COBOL, FORTRAN and BASIC.
PL/I is getting there, but it is not nearly disciplined enough; far too
much built in function.
Real software engineers aren't too happy about the existence of users,
either. Users always seem to have the wrong idea about what the
implementation and verification of algorithms is all about.
Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and greasy
hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any moment. They have
a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that systems could be virtual
at ALL levels. They would like personal computers (you know no one's going
to trip over something and kill your DFA in mid-transit), except that they
need 8 megabytes to run their Correctness Verification Aid packages.
Real software engineers think better while playing WFF 'N' PROOF.
[TFERI3::UEL007E2B "David Vrtin"]
english.187dejanr,
-< Net Laws >-
First Law: Netlag is the Lowest Common Denominator.
Second Law: When you need to be Somewhere, You Can't Get There.
Third Law: The Sysop is Actually a Minion of Evil.
Fourth Law: When Sysop is Unavailable, all usually goes Well.
Fifth Law: You Will Never Have Enough Quota.
Sixth Law: Net Lag and the Need to Be Somewhere have equal and opposite
reactions.
Seventh Law: The Internet is Habit Forming, and May be Hazardous to Your
Health.
Eighth Law: The use of Internet Services while under the infuence of
School could result in loss of Sleep.
Ninth Law: 2 + 2 = 3.9999999999999999999999999999999
Tenth Law: When All Else Fails, Kick.
Eleventh Law: Netsex is Frustrating.
Twelfth Law: If Law 11 is Not You, you are Sysop Material.
Thirteenth Law: Always Wear a Virtual Condom When Engaging in Questionable
Acts With Strange Computers.
Thirteenth Law (b) When a Virtual Condom is unavailable for use, Type
Carefully.
Fourteenth Law: Always Remember, Your Existence Depends on the Electric
Company.
Fifteenth Law: (Modem Users Only) In an Electrical Storm, turn off your
computer unless its a matter of Life, Death, or Net Sex.
Fifteenth Law (b) Disregard if the Computer is Owned by Someone Else.
Fifteenth Law (c) Completely Disregard if Computer is University Owned;
they'll replace it anyways.
Sixteenth Law: Smilies :) are Universal.
Seventeenth Law: *Hugs* are Freely Exchangable for Other *hugs*
Seventeenth Law (b) However, *snugs* and *hugs* are Not Interchangable.
Seventeenth Law (c) *Snugs* are Exchangable for othe *snugs* only if
you can disregard Law Eleven. 6 more lines... Notes>
Eighteenth Law: Never Pee On Your Computer.
Nineteenth Law: On a BBS, MU*, and so forth, If You are Female, you will
be Hit On.
Twentieth Law: Real Life and Virtual Life Don't Mix.
(c) Dolfyn & Resident Lunatic :)
[TFERI3::UEL007E2B "David Vrtin"]
english.188dejanr,
Subject: And the Twelve Bugs of Christmas ....For the first bug of Christmas,
my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.For the second bug of Christmas, my manager
said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.For the third bug of Christmas, my manager
said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager
said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump 79 more lines...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump 49 more lines... Notes>
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
english.189nestor,
Dear friend,
I hope when you not receive this letter
Time will take you out to read it,
It has been so good not seeing you around
I remember with fond memories things we never did
And I still have all the gifts you never gave to me
Sometimes I sit in the dark with the lights on
And laugh to myself all the times you have made me cry
Right now I am wishing that you where here
And I was someplace else,
Remember that picture you never gave to me
Well I lost it,
You are always never on my mind
I miss you very little
You mean so less to me
Eversince we never met my days have been so much brighter
You are a dream I can do without
I am always dreaming of everybody but you
I see you walking down the street backwards
And I wave to other people
I will never stop not thinking about you
I hope you receive this letter
I have no intention if mailing
Love always
Somebody who hates you
Or vice versa
Or vice versa
Dr. Willie Pietri
english.190duke,
││ Sin piše pismo ocu, tražeći pare:
││ No mon', no fun. Your Son.
││
││ Odgovor:
││ So bad, so sad. Your Dad.
Ili ovako:
"IZ DNEVNIKA JEDNOG OCA
18. 6.
Danas mi je tražio pare za more. Nisam dao. Svađali se. Nisam dao.
19. 6.
Opet mi je tražio pare za more. Nisam dao. Svađali se. Nisam dao.
Pretio. Nisam dao.
20. 6.
Tražio pare za more. Nisam dao. Pretio. Nisam dao. Tukao. Dao sam."
english.191darone,
>> ││ So bad, so sad. Your Dad.
>> "IZ DNEVNIKA JEDNOG OCA
Mislim da sam ostavljao već, al za novajlije.
Pismo oca sa sela sinu u gradu, između ostalog:
"Dragi sine, šaljem ti onih petsto dinara koje si
mi tražio u prošlom pismu. I zapamti, petsto se
piše sa dve nule, a ne sa tri!"
(: darone :)
english.192ndragan,
/ "Dragi sine, šaljem ti onih petsto dinara koje si
Dragi sine, šaljem ti ovih petsto dinara da ne zna nana, a ovih drugih
500 ti šalje nana da ne znam ja.
english.193kuki,
Evo jednog vica sa vax-a :)
<<< DUA0:[NOTES$LIBRARY]VICEVI.NOTE;1 >>>
-< VICEVI >-
===============================================================================
=
Note 107.18 vicevi na engleskom sa rec.humor.funny 18 of
18
UBBG::EMALENOV "NIKOLA MALENOVIC, malenovi@plains." 417 lines 17-MAR-1993
09:21
-< Unix Unix to je prava stvar, ko ne voli Unix, kill -9... >-
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
<<< UEK::$4$DUS0:[NOTES$LIBRARY]JOKES.NOTE;1 >>>
-< Jokes and funny texts >-
===============================================================================
=
Note 295.1 Computer 1 of
8
TFERI3::UEL007E2B "David Vrtin" 410 lines 5-MAR-1993
18:56
-< VAXORCIST >-
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
Remember how much fun you had upgrading your systems to VMS V5.0?
Well, you had it easy......
THE VAXORCIST
-------------
A rough draft of a video presentation
by Christopher Russell
Operations Manager, Dept of Mechanical Engineering
University of Maryland
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
(SCENE: Inside of a VAX computer room. CREDITS ROLL as the SYSMGR is
sitting in front of the console terminal, typing. He pauses, picks up a
small magnetic tape, walks over to a tape drive, mounts it, and returns to
the console where he continues typing.)
(There is a knock at the door. SYSMGR walks to the door and opens it,
revealing USER.)
USER: Any idea when the system will be up?
SYSMGR: Well, I just installed version 5.0 of VMS, so I'm going to run
some diagnostics on it overnight to make sure it works alright. Assuming
everything goes alright, the system should be up first thing tomorrow
morning.
USER: Great. Thanks. (Exits)
(SYSMGR closes the door and returns to the console.)
ROD SERLING-LIKE VOICE: This is John Smith, University of Maryland System
Manager. In an effort to make his system the best it can be, he has just
installed VMS Version 5.0 onto his VAX. But little does he know that the
Version 5 documentation kit from Digital includes a one-way ticket to ...
the VMS TWILIGHT ZONE!
(ominous music - fade out)
(Fade in. The SYSMGR scans the console for a moment, then turns, picks up
his coat and walks to the door. He stops at the door for a moment, looking
back at the big machine. Finally, he turns out the light and exits,
closing the door behind him.)
(Cut to the Console Terminal. We read the following as it is printed on
the console terminal:)
VMS V5.0 DIAGNOSTICS --
DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 1 STARTING...
DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 1 FINISHED SUCCESSFULLY.
DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 2 STARTING...
TESTING MICROCODE ... SUCCESSFUL
TESTING DECNET ... SUCCESSFUL
TESTING LICENSE MANAGEMENT UTILITY ... SUCCESSFUL
TESTING SYSTEM SERVICES ... SUCCESSFUL
TESTING HIGHLY EXPERIMENTAL AND COMPLETELY UNDOCUMENTED AI ROUTINE ...
(Cut to view of the Tape in the Tape drive. The tape spins for a moment,
and suddenly stops.)
(Cut to view of the Machine Room. A fog has begun drifting across the
floor, and the hardware is slowly being backlit by a pulsing red light.
A peal of weird laughter cuts through the silence. A variety of bizarre
things occur: A VT100 monitor sitting on a table slowly rotates 360
degrees; the tape drive opens and tape begins spewing out of it; slime
begins pouring out of a disk drive; the line printer begins form-feeding
like mad. These continue for several minutes, or for as long as we can
keep them up. FADE OUT)
(SCENE: Hallway outside of the computer room. SYSMGR walks up to the door
and is met by USER.)
USER: System going to be up soon?
SYSMGR: (as he speaks, he tries to open the Machine room door, but the
door is apparently stuck.) The diagnostics should be done by now, so we
should be up in about 15 minutes... (he succeeds in opening the door, but
is confronted by floor to ceiling magnetic tape. Tangled at about eye
level is an empty tape reel. SYSMGR takes the reel and looks at it. CLOSE
UP of the reel so we can read the label, which reads: VAX/VMS V5.0
DIAGNOSTIC KIT.) (to USER) ...give or take a few days....
(SCENE: View of TSR (Telephone Support Rep) from behind as she is sitting
in a cubicle, a terminal in front of her. Beside her on the wall is a
poster which reads "Digital Has It Now - But You Can't Have It". We can
see the terminal, but we should not be able to read what is on it. She is
wearing a headset.)
TSR: Colorado Customer Support. What is your access number, please?
SYSMGR VOICE: 31576
TSR: And your name?
SYSMGR VOICE: John Smith.
(Cut to SYSMGR standing beside his console. He his holding a phone to his
head with his right hand, and holding a printout in his left which he is
perusing while he talks on the phone.)
TSR VOICE: And what operating system are you using?
SYSMGR: VMS version 5.
TSR VOICE: And is this a problem with the operating system or a layered
product?
(As the SYSMGR looks up from the printout, his eyes suddenly widen and
he drops the printout and ducks. At that second, a disk platter flies
through the air where his head just was. Slowly, SYSMGR stands up and
looks to where the disk went. PAN BACK to reveal a stack of boxes with a
disk embedded in one of them at neck height.)
SYSMGR: (into the phone) Operating System. Definitely the Operating System.
(Cut back to TSR sitting at her desk.)
TSR: Can you describe the problem, please?
(SYSMGR voice can now only be heard as mumbling)
TSR: Yes... Tape drive spewing tape into the air... yes... Line printers
printing backwards... yes... miscellaneous hardware flying through the
air... uh huh... disk drives melting... yeah... strange voices coming from
the CPU board... I see... yes. Is that all? (pause as she finishes typing
at the terminal) Well, I'm afraid that that team is busy at the moment,
can I have them get back to you?
(CUT TO SCENE: MANAGER sitting behind a large desk in a plush office.
DEVELOPER is pacing in front of him, hands behind his back.)
(SUBTITLE: Meanwhile at Maynard...)
MANAGER: So tell me! What the hell happened?!
DEVELOPER: (turning to face MANAGER) It's a glitch, a fluke. A one in a
billion chance. And it's not Development's fault. Not really.
MANAGER: Then who's fault is it?
DEVELOPER: We traced it back to the Software Distribution Center. It
seems that there was a mixup and some of the code for the experimental AI
routine was copied onto the distribution from the wrong optical disk. (He
removes a CD from his jacket) This one, to be precise.
MANAGER: And what's that?
DEVELOPER: (reading the label) "Ozzy Osbourne's Greatest Hits".
Normally, it wouldn't have made any difference, as the AI routine isn't
used yet. But when they began running diagnostics, it hit the routine and
the computer just sort of became a thing possessed.
MANAGER: Wonderful. Were any other distributions affected?
DEVELOPER: No, just the University of Maryland's.
MANAGER: Well, that's a relief. We've got to get them taken care of
before anyone finds out. Can you imagine what Digital Review would do
if they heard about this?
DEVELOPER: We could always blame it on the Chaos Computer Group.
MANAGER: No, we've already used that one. This calls for drastic action.
(MANAGER picks up the phone and begins flipping through the rolodex)
DEVELOPER: Who are you going to send?
(CUT to the Rolodex so that we can read the cards. The first card reads:
SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Ron Jankowski, x474
he flips to the next card:
BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Bob Candless, x937
he flips to the next card:
REALLY BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Michelle French, x365
he flips to the next card
OUTRAGEOUSLY BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Mike West, x887
he flips to the next card and taps the card with forefinger:
SYSTEM FUCKED UP BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION - The VAXorcist, x666
(CUT to Machine Room. SYSMGR is standing by the console holding
an RA60 disk cover and using it as a shield to defend himself from various
pieces of hardware which are flying at him from off-camera. There is
a knock at the door. Slowly, SYSMGR makes his way to the door and opens
it. Standing there, backlit amidst outrageous amounts of fog is the
VAXORCIST, wearing a trench coat and fedora, and carrying a briefcase.)
VAXORCIST: (in a hushed voice) DEC sent me. I hear you're having some
problems.
(CUT to SYSMGR OFFICE, a small but pleasant office with posters on the
walls and clutter on the desk. As the VAXORCIST enters, he removes his
coat and hat, revealing a very techie outfit beneath. He is wearing a DEC
badge.)
SYSMGR: (Frantic) Problems? Problems?!? You could say I'm having some
problems. 4.6 was fine. 4.7 was fine. I install 5.0 and all Hell breaks
loose. The damn thing ate two of my operators this morning!
VAXORCIST: Calm down, everything will be alright. I've dealt with
situations like this before.
SYSMGR: You have?
VAXORCIST: Four years ago at an installation in Oregon, a programmer
renamed his Star Trek program to VMB.EXE and copied it into the system
directory. When the system was rebooted the next day it phasored the
entire accounting department claiming that they were Klingon spies. There
was a similar problem in Texas three years ago, and then, of course, there
was the IRS fiasco that we're not allowed to talk about. But don't worry.
These things can be fixed. Before I can help you, though, I have to ask
you a few questions. (The VAXorcist opens his briefcase and removes a
clipboard) Now, according to the report, the strange occurences began after
you installed VMS Version 5, is that correct?
SYSMGR: Yes, that's correct.
VAXORCIST: Now, did you carefully read the Installation Guide for VMS
Version 5?
SYSMGR: (confused) Installation Guide?
VAXORCIST: Yes, it should have come with the Release Notes.
SYSMGR: (still confused) Release Notes? (SYSMGR begins rooting about on
his disk, shifting papers around as if he might find them underneath)
VAXORCIST: (annoyed) Yes, Release Notes. They should have come with your
documentation upgrade.
SYSMGR: (completely confused - looks up from his rooting through the
papers on his desk) Documentation upgrade?
VAXORCIST: (angry) YES! The Documentation upgrade for your VMS
Documentation Set!
SYSMGR: Documentation S...? Oh, you mean the grey binders? They're over
there. (he points to the wall behind the VAXORCIST. The VAXORCIST turns
and we see a closed glass-front bookcase packed with grey binders. A small
red sign on the front of the bookcase reads: "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, BREAK
GLASS").
VAXORCIST: Right. This is going to be tougher than I thought. Let's go
take a look at your system and see just how bad everything is.
(CUT to the Machine Room. The room is neat and tidy and there is no sign
that anything is wrong. The VAXORCIST enters the room with the SYSMGR
behind him.)
VAXORCIST: Everything looks okay to me.
SYSMGR: Maybe it's hibernating.
VAXORCIST: Unlikely. It's probably trying to lure us into a false sense
of security.
SYSMGR: Sounds like VMS alright. (VAXORCIST gives him a dirty look)
VAXORCIST: I'm going to have to test it's power. This could get ugly, you
may want to leave. (The SYSMGR shakes his head no. The VAXORCIST brings
hiself up to full height in front of the VAX and points a finger at it)
By the power of DEC, I expel thee from this system! (Clap of thunder)
(CUT to door to the machine room. The SYSMGR is pulling a cart on which
sits the VAXORCIST wrapped from head to toe in magnetic tape)
SYSMGR: Any other bright ideas?
VAXORCIST: Just shut up and get this damn stuff off of me.
(CUT to SYSMGRs office)
VAXORCIST: (Writing on the clipboard) Things look pretty bad. I think
we're going to need a full-scale VAXorcism here.
SYSMGR: Is there anything I can do to help?
VAXORCIST: As a matter of fact, there is. We've got to incapacitate the
VAX to keep it from causing any more damage until I'm ready to deal with
it. Now, I've got some software here that will do that, but it's got to be
installed. (VAXORCIST hands SYSMGR a tape) With that running, the CPU
will be so bogged down, the VAX won't be able to harm anybody.
SYSMGR: (Examining the tape) What is it? A program to calculate pi to the
last digit?
VAXORCIST: Better than that. It starts up All-in-1 with a 10 user load.
(CUT to Hall outside of Computer Room. The VAXORCIST approaches the door.
As the SYSMGR approaches the door, the VAXORCIST holds him back.
VAXORCIST: I appreciate your help, but it won't be safe for you in there.
SYSMGR: What? You're going in there to face that thing alone? You're
nuts!
VAXORCIST: Hey, it's my job. (VAXORCIST turns to the door)
SYSMGR: Wait a minute. (VAXORCIST stops and turns around) You better
take this with you. (SYSMGR removes a very large and very nasty looking
gun from the inside of his jacket)
VAXORCIST: (Smiling) No, I won't need that. I've got something more
powerful. (VAXORCIST holds up a small guide-sized orange binder, opens it,
and shows it to SYSMGR. CUT to closeup of the book which reads: "GUIDE TO
VAX/VMS SYSTEM EXORCISM")
(CUT to view of Machine room door as seen by the VAX. The VAXORCIST enters
the room and stands in front of the VAX. CUT to view of the Machine Room
showing the SYSMGR confronting the VAX)
VAXORCIST: By the power of DEC, I command thee, Evil Spirit, to show
thyself.
VAX: Bugger off.
VAXORCIST: (Shaken) What?
VAX: I said Bugger off! Now get out of here before I core-dump all over
you!
VAXORCIST: (Recovered) Threaten me not, oh Evil one! For I speak with
the power of DEC, and I command thee to show thyself!
(A rumble is heard and again the VAX becomes backlit by red lights and a
fog begins to roll across the floor. The VAX cabinet doors slowly creak
open to reveal two small red lights in the dark cabinet which appear to be
the creature's eyes)
VAX: There. Happy? Now get out of here before I drop a tape drive on
your private parts.
VAXORCIST: (Opening the orange binder, he begins intoning SHUTDOWN.COM in
gregorian chant. The VAX screams.)
VAX: Stop that! Stop that! You, you DOS LOVER! Your mother manages RSX
systems in Hell!
(The VAXORCIST continues and the VAX screams again.)
VAX: Stop it! (a large wad of computer tape is thrown at the VAXORCIST,
apparently from the VAX). Eat oxide, bit-bucket breath!
(The VAXORCIST continues and the VAX screams once more.)
VAX: Mount me! Mount me!
VAXORCIST: (finishing the intonation) And now, by the power of DEC, I
banish thee back to the null-space from which you came! (The VAX screams
and the scream fades to silence.)
(CUT to the doorway of the Machine room, which now stands open. The
VAXORCIST is once again wearing his trench coat and fedora.)
SYSMGR: So it's over?
VAXORCIST: (Putting his hat on) Yes, it's over.
SYSMGR: (Shaking the VAXORCISTs hand) Thank God. Listen, thanks a lot. I
don't know what we would have done without you.
VAXORCIST: Hey, it's the least we could do. The Software Distribution
Center should be sending you a patch tape in a week or two to patch out
that AI routine and prevent this from happening again. Sign here. (he
hands SYSMGR the clipboard, SYSMGR signs at the bottom and hands it back)
Have a good one. (VAXORCIST leaves).
(SYSMGR enters the machine room. Camera follows him in.)
SYSMGR: (Calling to someone off-camera) Okay, you guys, let's get
rolling. Get those backup tapes out. We've got a clean system again!
(cheers are heard from off-camera. The SYSMGR leaves the picture, leaving
only the VAX with it's cabinet doors still open in the picture. Slow zoom
in to the LSI unit. Slowly, the LSI unit begins to emit a pulsing red
glow)
(Fade to black. CREDITS ROLL)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (C) 1991 by Christopher Russell (crussell@eng.umd.edu). Please
feel free to copy this and pass it around if it amuses you, as long as
this notice is left intact.
Any similarity between characters appearing in this script and any persons,
creatures, or entities living, dead, or otherwise is purely coincidental.
I am no longer an employee of the University of Maryland, so I'm not
particularly bothered if you think that they are responsible for any of
this. Unless it's funny, then it's mine.
Thanks to my friends and colleagues at the University of Maryland and
elsewhere for their help and encouragement in the developement of the
script and the video.
english.196ratman,
What did Pablo Picasso and Queen Elisabeth III have in common?
They've both had BLUE PERIOD.
english.197dejanr,
NAME
sex - have sex
SYNOPSIS
sex [ options ] ... [ username ] ...
DESCRIPTION
sex allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) speci-
fied in the command line. If no users are specified, they
are taken from the LOVERS environment variable. Options to
make things more interesting are as follows:
-1 masturbate
-a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option
-b buggery
-B<animal>
bestiality with <animal>
-c chocolate sauce option
-C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W)
-d<file>
get a date with the features described in <file>
-e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net)
-f foreplay option
-F nasal sex with plants
-i coitus interruptus (messy!)
-j jacuzzi option (California sites only)
-l leather option
-m masochism (see -s)
-M triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option
-n necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program
kills it)
-o oral option
-O parallel access (orgy)
-p debug option (proposition only)
-P pedophilia (must specify a child process)
-q quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am)
-s sadism (target must set -m)
-S sundae option
-v voyeurism (surveys the entire net)
-w whipped cream option
-W whips (see also -s, -C, and -m)
ENVIRONMENT
LOVERS
is a list of default partners which will be used if
none are specified in the command line. If any are
specified, the values in LOVERS is ignored.
FILES
/usr/lib/sex/animals animals for bestiality
/usr/lib/sex/blackbook possible dates
/usr/lib/sex/sundaes sundae recipes
/usr/lib/sex/s&m sado-masochistic equipment
BUGS
^C (quit process) may leave the user very unsatisfied.
^Z (stop process) is usually quite messy.
MAN AUTHOR
Author prefers to be anonymous.
HISTORY
Oldest program ever.
[BUEFQ5::ZIGIC_67291D "Slaviša Žigic RTI ETF Beograd"
english.198lord.pilot,
There's only one thing to do with temptation...
...Yield to it !
(c) Oscar Wilde
english.199dejanr,
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: rh@smds.com (Richard Harter)
Subject: Creationism FAQ
These are smilies :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
Use them liberally where indicated.
- ----------------------------------------------------
WARNING FOR THE HUMOR IMPAIRED -- THIS IS SATIRE
There has been a considerable call for a Creationist FAQ, which
doesn't seem to be forthcoming in any great hurry. In the interests
of facilitating matters I have decided to jump the gun and provide
a provisional Creationist FAQ. Regard this as a provisional effort;
I am not an expert in these matters and may have erred in a few small
details. Criticisms and suggestions for improvement are welcome.
Speculations on my private life will be met with dignified silence.
Q: What is the principle evidence for Creationism?
A: The Holy Bible, of course. After all, is it likely that the author
of the Universe would be mistaken about its age?
Q: But isn't the Bible religion and not science?
A: Truth is truth. It's a poor sort of science that ignores truth.
Q: But isn't there a lot of evidence for evolution?
A: Not really, most of it is from university professors writing papers
for each other. If they didn't write papers they wouldn't have jobs.
Q: How big was Noah's ark?
A: Big enough.
Q: But what about radioactive dating?
A: Hey, everybody knows that stuff is bad for you. Stick with good
Christian girls.
Q: What about the fossil evidence?
A: The real fossils are university professors writing papers for each
other.
Q: Is there any other evidence for Creationism besides the Bible?
A: Yes.
Q: Can you give us some?
A: Yes.
Q: Could you give us a specific example?
A: Yes.
Q: What be a specific example of evidence for Creationism?
A: I've already answered that question.
Q: What about the Antarctic ice core data?
A: Now I put it to you. Coop up a bunch of men in a Quonset hut in the
worst weather in the world, with nothing to do but gather data and
drink, and what do you expect?
Q: Did the dinosaurs coexist with man?
A: Look, the liberals were preaching coexistence with the Communists,
and you saw what happened to them.
Q: Should Creationism be taught along with Evolution in the schools?
A: Creationism should be taught instead of Evolution in the schools.
Q: Doesn't the Geologic Column prove that the Earth is very old?
A: The geologic column proves that some things are on top of other things
and some things are underneath other things. But we already knew that,
didn't we.
Q: Hasn't Evolution been demonstrated in the laboratory?
A: Students are demonstrating everywhere these days. To their shame,
many professors are demonstrating also.
Q: Aren't Hawiian wallabies an example of Evolution in action?
A: No.
Q: Why not?
A: Because they aren't.
Q: What is a kind?
A: A kind is cards of the same rank. Thus 4 aces and a king are four
of a kind, but four spades and a heart are not.
Q: Doesn't genetic variation indicate that life has been going on a long time?
A: Let's be up front about this. That's deviation, not variation, and yes,
there is a lot of deviancy out there. That just shows that there has been
a lot of Sin since the garden of Eden.
Q: What about Neanderthal Man?
A: Hey, you take one of those geezers and put him in tweeds and give him a
pipe and he could be a professor anywhere.
Q: Some scientists state that the earth's continents are drifting
around on top of a molten interior which has shaped life as we
see it now. Are they right?
A: As you well know the Bible says that beneath the surface of the
earth is Hell where there is eternal fires and brimstone. If
the continents appear to be moving around that is Satan's doing.
Q: Why do almost all of the scientists believe in Evolution?
A: The real scientists don't. As for the rest of them, that's a very good
question, isn't it?
Q: Are you talking about a Satanic conspiracy?
A: Did I say anything about a conspiracy? You might want to think about
the shape the world is in since the Evolutionists and the Liberal
Humanists captured academia and Evolution is hand in hand with Godless
Communism and crime in the streets but I certainly wouldn't want to
say anything about a Satanic conspiracy. I just want you to think
about it with an open mind.
english.200dejanr,
From: hausner@qucis.queensu.ca (Alejo Hausner)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Just _what_ is in them?
Keywords: smirk, true
Message-ID: <S55f.3ac@clarinet.com>
Date: 22 May 93 23:30:04 GMT
Lines: 15
Approved: funny@clarinet.com
I was enjoying a pack of Lowney's almond glosette's, which
are chocolate-covered almonds. Then an item in the list of
ingredients caught my attention:
"May contain peanuts"
That's like buying a Honda with a sticker that says
"May be a Hyundai".
Alejo (hausner@qucis.queensu.ca)
english.201dejanr,
From: W.J.Smith@bnr.co.uk (Bill Smith)
Subject: Hot Interfacing Tale
Below is a short story I wrote some years ago (notice the reference to Chad
- - does anyone know what it is anymore?).
A Sad Story
This is the story of Lexi Con (Lex for short).
Lex was feeling bored with life. He had tried everything, the first
in/first out technique, using a re-enterant driver, he had even tried
bottom up degeneration. So he decided to go to a baudy little place he
knew, which was frequented by Kernels and other types of executive.
Lex shortly arrived at ADA's place. He entered the bar and ordered a short
(beer might cause him to make too many shift lefts to the small node if he
didn't overflow first) and sat down at a hash table.
After a while Lex spied the supervisor. Ada purported to be of a new
generation but she looked as if she should have been archived years ago.
Ada wandered over wiggling her peripherals as she came. He wondered if her
upper quartiles were mainly silicon chips. "Core" he said, his stack was in
danger of popping up.
"Hello" she said, she was obviously a monadic operator.
Lex decided to pay her a two's compliment, "that's a nice two you've got
there."
"Would you like to return to my place for a byte?" she enquired.
Lex parsed her externals and decided it might be a new experience, "OK" he
acknowledged. If he could improve his input/output control he might achieve
a reasonable down time. They returned to her address.
"I must go in first to see if my husband Mark is here," she said.
"But won't he be working?" asked Lex.
"He's a redundant character" she replied and entered to do some Mark sensing.
She beckoned him in. In the corner was a strange bird. "That's an odd
parity?" he said.
But she said nothing and took him in a deadly embrace. She squeezed him so
hard he thought he might reach his breakpoint. She ran her digits over his
external variables. He could feel his mantissa was about to achieve double
length working. He wondered whether he might have an abnormal termination.
He pushed her away, "I must go for a soft dump first," he said, "where's
the job control terminal?"
"Later," she said and pulled him towards her, "do you practice recursive
entry?" she asked. So he placed his most significant digit on her entry
point only to find she had some virtual hardware. She was a transputer! He
uttered the vilest primitive he knew.
He pushed Ada away and left at a fast data rate. Just as well he hadn't
tried an overlay on the testbed.
Driving home he went through an asynchronous system trap and was terminated
by the police. The PCs approached him, "I've just been accosted by a
transputer" he told them. They thought he was simplex.
"Maybe he was bi-directional, sir" said PC Chad.
"No way," said Lex "he was completely duplex."
"That was probably Cathode Ray," said the PC, "you may well have contracted
a virus."
Subsequently Lex found his hard drive had been replaced by a floppy.
english.202dejanr,
From: loren@pixar.com (Loren Carpenter)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: GNU info
Keywords: smirk, true
Message-ID: <S562.6ac@clarinet.com>
Date: 26 May 93 08:30:02 GMT
Lines: 24
Approved: funny@clarinet.com
Copied verbatim from a sign at the San Diego Zoo...
Brindled Wildebeest or Gnu
Connochaetes taurinus taurinus
An African folk story says the wildebeest was
created last, from leftover parts of other animals.
Today we'd say it looks like it was put together by
a committee. When bothered, gnus even act like a
committee. They seem to run in all directions at
once, thrashing their heads and tails wildly.
Range: Southern Tanzania to South Africa
Habitat: Grasslands and open woodlands
Wild Diet: Grass, leaves, herbs
Zoo Diet: Alfalfa pellets, hay, leaves
Status: Stable; this subspecies is rare in zoos
english.203ndragan,
grafit iz jednog lifta u Mirijevu
fuck is nice
fuck is funny
many people fuck for money
if you think fuck is not funny
fuck yourself
and save your money
english.204darone,
>> if you think fuck is not funny
>> fuck yourself
>> and save your money
If you want another brother
Put your mother on your father
(ili put your father in your mother ;)
darone
english.205didldi,
:>>Put your mother on your father
^^^^
Ovo nije neophodno ;>>>
english.207darone,
>> :>>Put your mother on your father
>> ^^^^
>> Ovo nije neophodno ;>>>
Jeste, zbog slogova ;)
darone
english.209pavbok,
╔══════════════════════════╗
║ ║
║ Strangers in the night ║
║ ║
║ AIDS in the morning! ║
║ ║
╚══════════════════════════╝
english.211dejanr,
This is the most complete set of blonde jokes I have seen.
This is the updated version, with (I think) all duplications removed.
If you have a question, request for the jokes, duplication to point
out, or one you think should be included, mail hssm@menudo.uh.edu.
PLEASE, IF YOU COPY THIS OFF OF THE NET, PLEASE LEAVE MY NAME ON THE BOTTOM
SO THAT I KNOW HOW MANY ARE FLOATING AROUND, AND THAT I GET CREDIT FOR THE
THREE WEEKS AND MORE I SPENT ON IT.
THANK YOU.
Disclaimer: These are not my jokes, I only compiled them, any complaints
should be posted on rec.humor, or directed towards your local congressman.
Troy C. Belding
11/18/92
The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes
-----------------------------------
Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal
her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are
all in the middle row.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.
Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.
Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.
Q: Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped?
A: Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open.
Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A: It's too hard to re-train them.
Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A: "All the blondes have gone home!"
Q: What's a brunette's mating call ?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
Q: What is the brunette's mating call?
A: When is that blond bitch going to leave!?
Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on
Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds
her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange
juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.
Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless
Ming vase?
A "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)
Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she
has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.
Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!
Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.
Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.
Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling
idiots?
A: Flattered.
Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.
Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a
skinny blonde?
A: One's a phony buck.
Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and
a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.
Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.
Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.
Q: Why doesn't a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands?
A: Because the vaccum in her head keeps them in place.
Q: What's the difference between having sex with a blonde and
eating Jell-o?
A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A1: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.
A2: Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't
stop until it gets blood.
Q: Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses?
A: She was having sunny periods.
Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
A: When she farts, her knees bag.
Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.
Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan?
A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.
Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !
Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate
chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little
packet.
Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
A: To keep her ankles warm.
Q: How can you tell a blonde had a bad day?
A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what
she did with her cigarette.
Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A: Way to go team!
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator?
A: By the chipped tooth.
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.
Q: Why do blondes have vaginas?
A: So guys will talk to them at parties.
Q: Why does the blonde stand in front of a window during a
thunder storm?
A: She loves taking pictures (flashes, got it?).
Q: What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually
active?"
A: "No, I just lie there."
Q: What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning?
A: "Thanks, guys..."
Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air pockets.
Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain
surgery on a blonde?
A: "Space. The final frontier......"
Q: How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengals
team?
A: Just One... Boomer Esiason.
Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.
Q: What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner?
A: You don't, you see if you've got 3 condoms.
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto
Maple Leafs?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
A: She didn't know what ONE came first...
Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A1: Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers.
A2: Their mothers told them not with their mouths full.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole?
A: Divorced.
Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the
blow dryer!
Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
A: You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way.
Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering
what she did with her pencil.
Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the
bosses' faces.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression
in her forehead!
Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
A: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.
Q: What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a
blonde track team?
A: The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
Q: What is the difference between a crazy fighting hockey player
and a blonde?
A: He is fussy by nature and would go to any length to get a puck.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac,
and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says "Are you done already?"
The blonde says "Beige...I think I'll paint the
ceiling beige."
Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and
a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What is the difference between a blond and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a
blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball.
A3: There is no difference. They're both round and have
three holes to poke.
A4: You don't eat your bowling ball
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of
York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.
Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with
PMS?
A: Lipstick.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They're doing research on black holes.
Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every
month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell
if they're going to work or coming home.
Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.
Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a
flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don't know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.
Q: Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry?
A: Because you don't have to marry them for sex!
Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.
Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
A1: So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.
A2: So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A: *Who cares?*
Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them
Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.
Q: Why do blondes wear tampons?
A: Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too.
Q: Why do blondes drive VW's
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
Q: Why do blonds have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?
A: Wishful Thinking.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in front.
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.
Q: Why do blonds have orgasms ?
A: So they know when to stop having sex !
Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.
Q: Why do Blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax
now in effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."
Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A1: They can't remember the number.
A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.
Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini
skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!
Q: Why don't blonds breast feed?
A: Because they always burn their niples.
Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.
Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into
those little packages.
Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.
Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond?
A: Bucket seats.
Q: What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate
before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"
Q: What is the difference between a blond and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747
Q: What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A: A brunette with bad breath.
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart
blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10
bill. Who picks it up?
A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa
Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2: None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde thought
it was a gum wrapper.
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who
hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it
won't follow you around for a week.
Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.
Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a
recent car crash) and a blonde have in common?
A: Put either of 'em in a car and their fucked.
Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her
thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.
Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last years hide and go seek winner.
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.
Q: What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half
with yeast infections?
A: A whine and cheese party!
Q: What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp, and another blonde standing
on a street corner?
A: 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, not for a zillion f*cks, 4 f*cks!
Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.
Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.
Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An Air Bag.
Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher
learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their
head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
english.212dejanr,
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ?
A: Sweet Fuck All...
Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A1: A golden retriever.
A2: An indicator of a really bad hangover.
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to
do...
Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes?
A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks,
four bucks.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they
go down on you.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more
attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the (..............)? insert team
name here.
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.
Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.
Q: What do a blonde and Presdient Gorbachev have in common?
A: They both got fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev?
A: He knows who the ten men were.
Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip
cookies?
A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
Q: What did the blonde's mum say to her before the blonde's date.
A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: Never mind that! What was she doing out of the bedroom?!?
R: I don't know.
A: Neither did she.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
A: Too many blondes were drowning.
Q: Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?
A: They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water.
Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.
Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.
Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.
Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said
"DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veternarian?
A: Because she loved children.
Q: Why did the blond take her typewriter to the doctor ??
A: She thought it was pregnant becaus missed a period.
Q: Why did they call the blond twinkie?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.
Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn
around and come home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was
a television.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just dyed her hair.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it
blown around too much.
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her
jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little
packet.
Q: How can you tell a blonde had a bad day?
A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what
she did with her cigarette.
Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A: Way to go team!
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
Q: WHATS THE DIFFERANCE BETWEEN A FRIDGE AND A FANNY?
A: A FRIDGE DOSN'T FART WHEN YOU TAKE THE MEAT OUT.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q: What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
A: Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).
Q: What is the blonde's favorite battery?
A: Ever-ready.
Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon?
A: A vacant posession.
Q: What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually
active?"
A: "No, I just lie there."
Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
A: She didn't know what ONE came first...
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole?
A: Divorced.
Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the
blow dryer!
Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
A: You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way.
Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a ood night.
Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers license ?
A: She wasn't used to the front seat!
Q: Why did she finally pass her test?
A: She took the examiner with her
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!
Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
Q: How do you know when a blond's been in your frige?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!
Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win
Q: Why are blondes so sexually promiscuous?
A: Who cares
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About 2 cans of hair spray
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor
Q: What did the Blonde get on her A.C.T.?
A: Nail polish!
(Appendix: For those of you who are Brits, the A.C.T. is a
College entrance examination. Highest score possible is 36. Average
is about 18-20, I think.)
(Visual Joke)
Q: What did the blonde say when she tried driving stick for the first
time?
A: "How do you shift this thing?" (you make jacking off motions)
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.
Q: What's the difference between a lesbian finger-fucking a blonde
and a Schwinn at the side of the road?
A: One's a bike in a ditch, and the other's . . . .
Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin
Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q: Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net bandwidth?
A: Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the
Blonde Joke List.
Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A1: The Blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.
Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been
picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of
Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?
A: A blond electrician
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde ????
A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!
Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was
still stuck.
Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the
air?
A: She missed.
Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.
Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg.
A: Nothing - they've never met.
Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
A: She can't say "No".
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: Whats the difference between a Blonde and a Supermarket
Trolley.
A: A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together!
Q: What was the blond psychic's greatest achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!
Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading
her nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a
blonde drives a car?
A: Cause she blows the horn!!!!!
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: 'Cause everybody gets a turn.
Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: 'Cause she's been laid all over the country.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!
Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q: What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
A: Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).
Q: What is the blonde's favorite battery?
A: Ever-ready.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon?
A: A vacant posession.
Q: If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge,
who would die first?
A: The brunette -- because the blonde would have to
stop and ask for directions.
Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...
Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!
Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her
husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll get a life when it is proven Troy C. Belding
and substantiated to be better ST17Y@JETSON.UH.EDU
than what I am currently HSSM@MENUDO.UH.EDU
experiencing.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
english.213snemcev,
>> This is the most complete set of blonde jokes I have seen.
Ej, SysAdm, ovo je već drugi put. Za 1200 bps je malo mnogo 25K teksta u
jednoj poruci, pa još 15K u sledećoj. Jel može to idući put u file?
PS Ovo pišem iako znam da ću dobiti orden, al' onaj kome je upućeno će
ovo svakako videti.
english.214furlani,
1.What did the father ghost say to his son?
Spook only when you're spooken to.
2.Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance?
He had no body to go with.
3.Daddy, daddy, there's a spider in the bath!
Don't worry, you've seen spiders before.
Yes, but this one's four feet wide and it's using all the
hot water!
4.How do fleas start a race?
One, two, flea!
5.Knock, Knock!
who's there?
Irish stew.
Irish stew who?
I arrest you in the name of the law!
english.215dejanr,
From treynold Fri Jul 9 02:05:41 1993
Date: Fri, 9 Jul 93 02:05:40 GMT
From: treynold (Tom Reynolds)
To: treynold
Subject: Lawyer Jokes
Q & A form jokes
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.
Good!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck
defiance.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
----
Longer Jokes:
----
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run
those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed
voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
-----
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of proffesional brain
offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for <other generic proffesion> brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
-----
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father
answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a
thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
-----
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were
thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise,
St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where
the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assis-
tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the
line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't
mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed
your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
----
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub-
scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury
was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice,
"Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20
more of them."
-----
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred
it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
thief go first, and the executioner follow."
-----
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented
money there has been only one answer to that question."
----------
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.
After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective
professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly
station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides
to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome,
Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a
huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete
announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until
the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting
a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight
once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear
more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with
Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the
Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.
The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the
deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I,
spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow,
this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many
times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can
get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because
he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
-----
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long
trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back
to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that
dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you
want to have him arrested for ?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay
his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
-----
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man
of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
-----
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a
jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the
hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a
dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed
the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10
minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury
went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home,
and everyone waited.
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and
sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the
verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they
got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still
doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
------
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?",
someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
----------
A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's
grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the
little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
-----
The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at
least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
----
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to
cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says
"Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon
descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't
tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry
yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And
the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet
up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must
be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says
"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
useless".
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still
worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink,
and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists
Soaked by Lawyer".
----
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed
an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an
exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn,
then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we
sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better
to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
-----
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think
you're going to find a lawyer?"
-----
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the
other three are mythological creatures.
----------
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.
However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
-----
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously,
"can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
-----
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to
another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to
lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more
plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to
them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However,
sometimes it very hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings."
----
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to
which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer
would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to
spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods
section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with
him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.
Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in
the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to
pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry
patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along
came two huge Bears - a male and a female.
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His
friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and
got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed
back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of
lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his
friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun,
took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you
that the Czech was in the Male?"
----------
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green
came over to see him.
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in
court when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer
Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr.
Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it
when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an
Excedrin headache?'
Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making
a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken
sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
"Then get me another doctor."
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that
after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office.
This is the only place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally
appeal your case to a higher court."
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for
a kidney stone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by
looking at him."
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when
you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize
into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher
of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going
to be in a lot of pain.' "
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my
ounce of Demerol?"
"I better check you out first."
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't
do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
"What for?"
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued
and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
"I'm not going to sue you."
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ
after you pass the kidney stone?"
----------
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a
glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world,
nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in
Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."
Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All
the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to
smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas,
nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much
of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack
of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the
Lawyer through it...
--------
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop
and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog
running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to
demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers,
"Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys
don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the
shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].
Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be
unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the
lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
----------
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light
bulb.
A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're
looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall
be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform
previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the
entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area,
demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at
the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by
the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited
to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation
at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of
elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the
party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this
point being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party
of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state,
local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first
part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of
the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a
manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of
this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur
in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the
objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the
fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
--------
WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
**********************************************************************
1300.01 GENERAL
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may
harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The
use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If
accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to
nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free
Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,
ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a
felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident
victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting
attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
7. Cut-throat 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7
--------
Look, I'm tired of typing. Go buy the book: Larry Wilde, _The Ultimate
Lawyers Joke Book_. Bantam books. $2.95 (Canada $3.95).
------------------------- cut here and insert in wallet --------------------
Ben Dover
And
C. Howlett Fields
Attorneys At Law
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were
guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things,
but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in
his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once
you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug
look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him
and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
----------------------------------------------------
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule
what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard
to get back on your feet.
----------------------------------------------------
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands
in his own pockets.
----------------------------------------------------
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you
serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
'gator."
----------------------------------------------------
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow.
One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
----------------------------------------------------
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ----
It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
----------
Legal business card:
Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe
Attorneys at Law
----------
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
...Benjamin Franklin.
----------
english.217todorp,
From: rnd@inel.gov (Randy Bewley)
What does Kodak and a condom have in common?
You use both to catch those special moments!!!
english.218todorp,
From: sjreeves@eng.auburn.edu (Stan Reeves)
Seen on a South Carolina road sign:
-------------------------
|<-- Clinton 6 |
| Prosperity 22 --> |
-------------------------
| |
| |
| |
english.219viktor,
A Contribution to the Mathematical Theory of Big Game Hunting
H. Petard, Princeton, N. J.,
in American Mathematical Monthly, August, 1938
(translated from a German version)
Problem: To Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert.
1. Mathematical Methods
1.1 The Hilbert (axiomatic) method
We place a locked cage onto a given point in the desert. After
that we introduce the following logical system:
Axiom 1: The set of lions in the Sahara is not empty.
Axiom 2: If there exists a lion in the Sahara,
then there exists a lion in the cage.
Procedure: If P is a theorem, and if the following is holds:
"P implies Q", then Q is a theorem.
Theorem 1: There exists a lion in the cage.
1.2 The geometrical inversion method
We place a spherical cage in the desert, enter it and lock it from
inside. We then perform an inversion with respect to the cage.
Then the lion is inside the cage, and we are outside.
1.3 The projective geometry method
Without loss of generality we can view the desert as a plane surface.
We project the surface onto a line and afterwards the line onto an
interiour point of the cage. Thereby the lion is mapped onto that same
point.
1.4 The Bolzano-Weierstrass method
Divide the desert by a line running from north to south. The lion is
then either in the eastern or in the western part. Lets assume it is in
the eastern part. Divide this part by a line running from east to west.
The lion is either in the northern or in the southern part. Let's
assume it is in the northern part. We can continue this process
arbitrarily and thereby constructing with each step an increasingly
narrow fence around the selected area. The diameter of the chosen
partitions converges to zero so that the lion is caged into a fence of
arbitrarily small diameter.
1.5 The set theoretical method
We observe that the desert is a separable space. It therefore contains
an enumerable dense set of points which constitutes a sequence with the
lion as its limit. We silently approach the lion in this sequence,
carrying the proper equipment with us.
1.6 The Peano method
In the usual way construct a curve containing every point in the
desert. It has been proven Š1Ć that such a curve can be traversed in
arbitrarily short time. Now we traverse the curve, carrying a spear,
in a time less than what it takes the lion to move a distance equal to
its own length.
1.7 A topological method
We observe that the lion possesses the topological gender of a torus.
We embed the desert in a four dimensional space. Then it is possible to
apply a deformation Š2Ć of such a kind that the lion when returning to
the three dimensional space is all tied up in itself. It is then
completely helpless.
1.8 The Cauchy method
We examine a lion-valued function f(z). Let Đzeta be the cage. Consider
the integral
1 Š f(z)
------- I --------- dz
2 Đpi i Ć z - Đzeta
C
where C represents the boundary of the desert. Its value is f(zeta),
i.e. there is a lion in the cage Š3Ć.
1.9 The Wiener-Tauber method
We obtain a tame lion, L_0, from the class L(-Đinfinity,Đinfinity),
whose fourier transform vanishes nowhere. We put this lion somewhere in
the desert. L_0 then converges toward our cage. According to the
general Wiener-Tauner theorem Š4Ć every other lion L will converge
toward the same cage. (Alternatively we can approximate L arbitrarily
close by translating L_0 through the desert Š5Ć.)
2 Theoretical Physics Methods
2.1 The Dirac method
We assert that wild lions can ipso facto not be observed in the Sahara
desert. Therefore, if there are any lions at all in the desert, they
are tame. We leave catching a tame lion as an execise to the reader.
2.2 The Schroedinger method
At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the lion being in
the cage. Sit and wait.
2.3 The nuclear physics method
Insert a tame lion into the cage and apply a Majorana exchange operator
Š6Ć on it and a wild lion.
As a variant let us assume that we would like to catch (for argument's
sake) a male lion. We insert a tame female lion into the cage and apply
the Heisenberg exchange operator Š7Ć, exchanging spins.
2.4 A relativistic method
All over the desert we distribute lion bait containing large amounts of
the companion star of Sirius. After enough of the bait has been eaten
we send a beam of light through the desert. This will curl around the
lion so it gets all confused and can be approached without danger.
3 Experimental Physics Methods
3.1 The thermodynamics method
We construct a semi-permeable membrane which lets everything but lions
pass through. This we drag across the desert.
3.2 The atomic fission method
We irradiate the desert with slow neutrons. The lion becomes
radioactive and starts to disintegrate. Once the disintegration process
is progressed far enough the lion will be unable to resist.
3.3 The magneto-optical method
We plant a large, lense shaped field with cat mint (nepeta cataria)
such that its axis is parallel to the direction of the horizontal
component of the earth's magnetic field. We put the cage in one of the
field's foci. Throughout the desert we distribute large amounts of
magnetized spinach (spinacia oleracea) which has, as everybody knows, a
high iron content. The spinach is eaten by vegetarian desert
inhabitants which in turn are eaten by the lions. Afterwards the lions
are oriented parallel to the earth's magnetic field and the resulting
lion beam is focussed on the cage by the cat mint lense.
References
Š1Ć After Hilbert, cf. E. W. Hobson, "The Theory of Functions of a Real
Variable and the Theory of Fourier's Series" (1927), vol. 1, pp
456-457
Š2Ć H. Seifert and W. Threlfall, "Lehrbuch der Topologie" (1934), pp 2-3
Š3Ć According to the Picard theorem (W. F. Osgood, Lehrbuch der
Funktionentheorie, vol 1 (1928), p 178) it is possible to catch
every lion except for at most one.
Š4Ć N. Wiener, "The Fourier Integral and Certain of itsl Applications"
(1933), pp 73-74
Š5Ć N. Wiener, ibid, p 89
Š6Ć cf e.g. H. A. Bethe and R. F. Bacher, "Reviews of Modern Physics", 8
(1936), pp 82-229, esp. pp 106-107
Š7Ć ibid "
--
/* tdk -- SCARS/DSOB -- STScI */
/* "...archiving is one-way interchange with the future..." */
english.220viktor,
-----------------------------------------------------
Math Joke #8
A Physicist, a chemist and a mathematician were
stranded on three different tropical islands and each
had a canister of food, but no opener. The physicist
laid his canister on a large rock and then threw smaller
rocks at the lid until it was knocked open. The chemist
searched the island for certain plants from which he
fabricated an acid that eventually dissolved part of the
lid. The mathematician wrote the following in the sand:
Theorem: There exists a means of opening the canister.
Proof: Assume the opposite . . .
Weeks later his skeleton was found in the sand.
ŠThis joke was sent to me in July, 1993 by Robert George
of the Ohio State University Statistics Department.Ć
---
english.221viktor,
---------------------------------------------------------------------
>Q: What's yellow and depends on the axiom of choice?
>
>A: Zorn's Lemmon.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's yellow and expressible in a power series?
A: A bananalytic function.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What does a mathematician do before he drinks tea?
A. He drinks t - 1.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
A: Nothing. The mountain climber is a scalar.
interesantno
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A mathematician and a physicist were put into separate rooms, each containing
a sink, a stove, and a kettle; each was told to boil some water.
The mathematician took the kettle to the sink, filled it, put it on the
stove and boiled the water.
The physicist took the kettle to the sink, filled it, put it on the stove,
and boiled the water.
The next day both were brought back to their rooms and told to boil the
water again; but the kettles still had water in them from the previous day.
The physicist turned on the stove and boiled the water.
The mathematician took the kettle to the sink and emptied it, stating,
"We have now reduced the problem to a previous case!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The physicist says: "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is prime... 9... well,
experimental error. 11 is prime... ..."
The mathematician says: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime... therefore,
by induction on 2n-1, all odd numbers are prime."
The engineer says: "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is prime... 9 is prime...
11 is prime... ..."
The chemist says: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime; well, I guess that's
enough data!"
The Biologist says: "What's a prime?"
The programmer says: "Wait a minute, I think I have an algorithm from Knuth
on finding prime numbers... just a little bit longer, I've found the
last bug... no, that's not it... ya know, I think there may be a
compiler bug here - oh, did you want IEEE-998.0334 rounding or not?
- was that in the spec? - hold on, I've almost got it - I was up all
night working on this program, ya know... now if management would
just get me that new workstation tha just came out, I'd be done by
now... etc., etc. ..."
The computer scientist says: "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is prime...
7 is prime... 7 is prime... 7 is prime... ..."
The psychologist says: "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is prime... 9 is
latently prime but repressing it... 11 is prime... ..."
The social scientist says: "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is prime...
we'll pretend 9 is prime... 11 is prime... ..."
The statistician says : "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is prime... from
samples surveyed, all odd numbers are prime..."
----------------------------------------------------------------
TOP SUGGESTIONS ON TEACHING VECTOR CALCULUS
1. "Vector? I don't even know her..."
3. Mumble something on the first day of classes about always being
turned on when you hear the word "matrix".
4. Never make eye contact.
5. When your students complain about having to invert a four by four
matrix, yell: "Yeah? Well, when I was back in 'Nam, I had to
invert ten by ten matrices with nothing but tree bark and my own
blood for ink!" Then look dazed and clutch the nearest notebook
firmly to your chest.
8. If your class starts at 6:15 a.m., then the only way your students
are going to make it to class on time is if you give them daily
wake up calls. Come to think of it, this isn't a bad idea, even if
it starts at at 6:15 pm. If it starts at 6:15 p.m., you can create
a nurturing learning enviornment by having the students rotate
bringing deserts to class. Be sure to use one of the students as
your taster.
9. When saying the phrase "least squares fit", make a little Elvis-esque
pelvic thrust on the word "fit".
10. Have Jeff Goldblum make a special guest appearance. Tell him there
are some cute looking babes in the class.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why mathematics and public policy should never mix.
New York Times Headline Tuesday, June 29, 1993, one day after Andrew
Wiles announced he had proved Fermat's Last Theorem
U.S. SAID IT WAITED
FOR CERTAIN PROOF
BEFORE IRAQ RAID
------------------------------------------------------------------
A man comes to a psychiatrist and claims to be dead.
No matter what arguments the psychiatrist uses, the
patient refuses to believe he is alive. Finally the
psychiatrist decides to try an indirect proof.
"Do dead men bleed?" asked the psychiatrist.
"No, of course not. Everybody knows that dead men
don't bleed" replied the patient.
"Well then, If I prick your finger with a pin and
we squeeze out a drop of blood won't that mean that
you're not dead?"
"Yes," said the patient.
The psychiatrist found a needle and pricked the
patient's finger and squeezed out a drop of blood.
"Okay, I was wrong" said the patient. "Dead men
do bleed."
ŠThis is a nice joke to tell just before or after
doing an indirect proof with a class.Ć
----------------------------------------------------------------
english.222viktor,
------------------------------------------------------
Math Joke #9
Four academics were traveling on a train to a
convention in Scotland: a parapsychologist, a logician,
a mathematician and a physicist. Through the window
they all saw a lonely black sheep on a hill.
"Look!" said the parapsychologist, "All sheep in
Scotland are black."
"You can't draw such a conclusion" replied the
physicist. "The best we can say is that some sheep in
Scotland are black."
"Too vague," said the mathematician. "You're
needlessly melding the vacuous case with the existential
case. What one should say is that at least one sheep in
Scotland is black."
"You're all wrong." countered the logician. "All we
can say is that at least one sheep in Scotland is black
on at least one side at least some of the time."
ŠThis joke is my version of one I read in Martin
Gardner, Scientific American (December, 1974), page
136.Ć
------------------------------------------------------
english.223viktor,
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramanujan and Hardy were in a cab, when Hardy noticed that the
number of their cab was 1729. He commented on this, saying that
1729 was a boring number.
Ramanujan told Hardy, "No, on the
contrary, 1729 is a very interesting number. It's the sum of cubes in two
ways."
Hardy responded, "I was just kidding, I know that. It's also the difference
of the squares of two triangular numbers."
Ramanujan responded, (COUGH, COUGH) "Well, it's also the year Britain got
Gibraltar back!"
Hardy retorted, "Well, it's ALSO the product of two numbers which together
form a palindromic number representing the year in which a couple books WILL
BE PUBLISHED about this encounter!!"
Ramanujan retorted, "Well, it's also the number of times I SLEPT WITH YOUR
MOTHER!!"
Hardy screamed back, "Well, it's also the number of NUDE PICTURES I HAVE OF
YOUR RELATIVES!"
At that, the conversation degenerated into a free-for-all...
----------------------------------------------------------------
english.224dejanr,
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: What an Ass!
Keywords: smirk, sexual
Message-ID: <S5ab.5237@clarinet.com>
Date: 6 Aug 93 23:30:02 GMT
Lines: 66
Approved: funny@clarinet.com
The following was told to me recently by a Swiss friend - this is my
translation.
----------------
One day, an old French sausage maker whose sausages were renowned worldwide
decided the time had come for him to retire, but as the business had been
in his family for generations and wanted to keep it so, he was keen his not
too bright only son and heir take over the running.
When his son came home, he announced to him, "Son, the time has come for
you to take over the running my business, the business that has been in
this family for generations. Come, I have some things to show you," and
with that led his son across the courtyard to the place where he undertook
his work. The son looked around the room and found a number of strange
machines, ranging from the very old to the very modern.
His father led him to the oldest machine and started to explain:
"Son, this machine was invented by your Great-Grandfather, MY Grandfather.
With this machine, he would put an ass in this end, and two hundred
sausages would come out the other end. These sausages were renowned
throughout the whole of Paris!"
and with that he led his son on to the second more modern machine and continued
with his explanation:
"This machine here was invented by your Grandfather, MY father himself. With
this machine he would put an ass in this end, and two thousand sausages
would come out the other end. These sausages were renowned throughout the
whole of Provence!"
He next led his son to the third most modern machine:
"This machine was invented by your own father, yes, me myself. With this
machine I can put a ass after ass in this end and the sausages keep
coming out the other end in their millions. These suasages are renowned
worldwide."
He then turned to his son, "So, you see, as well as taking over the running
of the business, you must make your mark of generation by inventing your
own machine."
The son then took stock of the task and proceeded to think long and hard about
what machine he could come up with to make his mark on the family business.
Finally, after quite some time the son piped up, "Papa, I have an idea. How
about if I make a machine where you put a sausage in one end, and an ass comes
out the other."
His father in disgust of the idea slapped his son saying, "You stupid boy, such
a machine already exists - it's your mother!"
_______________________________________________
Mark A Eve | Phone +44 272 228767
Hewlett Packard Labs | +44 272 799910
Filton Road | Fax +44 272 228924
Stoke Gifford | +44 272 228920
Bristol BS12 6QZ | mae@hplb.hpl.hp.com
England | mae@hplgva.unige.ch
_______________________________________________
english.225niklaus,
I often keep asking myself:
"Why do say TV SET when you get just ONE piece?"
(:niklaus:)
english.226dejanr,
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi are fishing in a rowboat. The priest and
pastor are arguing about when life begins. The priest insists that life
begins at the moment of conception -- the pastor believes it is at the
moment of birth. After they go around a bit and can't agree -- they
turn to rabbi and ask him to solve their dilemma. He simply states that
life begins when your kids leave home and your dog dies.
english.227dejanr,
The Devil comes to a lawyer, promissing him big money, power and glory.
Lawyer: "What is it going to cost me?"
Devil: "I want souls of your wife and children."
Lawyer (pausing for a minute): "Well, so, where is the catch?"
english.228akragl,
****************************************************
* A bus station is where buses stop. *
* A train station is where trains stop. *
* On my desk, there is a work station. *
* --Anonymous *
****************************************************
english.229zcvele,
Za ekipu koja u`iva u vicevima o plavu{ama.
Pozdrav Cvele
This is the most complete set of blonde jokes I have seen.
This is the updated version, with (I think) all duplications removed.
If you have a question, request for the jokes, duplication to point
out, or one you think should be included, mail st17y@jetson.uh.edu.
My thanks to Steve Dobbs for his large contribution to the list.
There are 489 jokes in this list. 436 Q & A jokes, and 53 story and
one liner jokes. (this does not include multiple answers to the same
question. Including those it is about 480 jokes) There is also a
blonde dictionary at the end.
PLEASE, IF YOU COPY THIS OFF OF THE NET, PLEASE LEAVE MY NAME ON THE BOTTOM
SO THAT I KNOW HOW MANY ARE FLOATING AROUND, AND THAT I GET CREDIT FOR THE
TIME I SPENT ON IT.
THANK YOU.
Disclaimer: These are not my jokes, I only compiled them, any complaints
should be posted on rec.humor, or directed towards your local congressman.
Troy C. Belding
9/10/93
The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes
-----------------------------------
plavuse.zipenglish.230bojans,
Evo poslastice za ljubitelje Monty Pythona. Nekoliko odabranih
skečeva iz epizoda 'Monty Python Flying Circus' sa originalnim
tekstom. Ako ste zainteresovani, ima još.
(Preuzeto sa 'Blue Lightning' BBS-a)
python.arjenglish.231nbatocanin,
P R I M E
physicist:
"3 is prime ... 5 is prime ... 7 is prime ... 9 ... well,
experimental error ... 11 is prime ..."
mathematician:
"3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime ... therefore,
by induction on 2n-1, all odd numbers are prime."
engineer:
"3 is prime ... 5 is prime ... 7 is prime ... 9 is prime ...
... 11 is prime ..."
chemist:
"3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime; well, I guess
that's enough data!"
biologist:
"What's a prime?"
computer scientist:
"3 is prime ... 5 is prime ... 7 is prime ... 7 is prime ...
... 7 is prime ... 7 is prime ... "
psyhologist:
"3 is prime ... 5 is prime ... 7 is prime ... 9 is
latently prime but repressing it ... 11 is prime ..."
social scientist:
"3 is prime ... 5 is prime ... 7 is prime ...
we'll pretend 9 is prime ... 11 is prime ..."
statistician:
"3 is prime ... 5 is prime ... 7 is prime ... from
samples surveyed, all odd numbers are prime ..."
politician:
"Some numbers are prime ... but the goal is to create a kinder,
gentler country where all numbers are prime ..."
economist:
"Let's assume all odd numbers are prime."
programmer:
"Wait a minute, I think I have an algorithm from Knuth on
finding prime numbers ... just a little bit longer, I've
found the last bug ... no, that's not it ... ya know,
I think there may be a compiler bug here - oh, did you
want IEEE-998.0334 rounding or not? - was that in the spec?
- hold on, I've almost got it - I was up all night working
on this program, ya know ... now if management would just
get me that new workstation tha just come out, I'd be done
by now ... etc ... etc ..."
english.232niklaus,
(nije baš za kidanje od smeha, ali zvuči lepo)
I scream!
You scream!
We all scream for ice-cream.
(:niklaus:)
PS Potiče iz jedne stare, američke reklame za sladoled.
english.233vlad,
> PS Potiče iz jedne stare, američke reklame za sladoled.
Ja sam to prvi put video u filmu "Down by law" koji mi se i inace veoma
dopao. Potpuno je otkacen.
- Buzz off!!!
- Bazz offa? Tenk you! Bazz offa to you too!!
english.234ndragan,
/ PS Potiče iz jedne stare, američke reklame za sladoled.
Jednom davno, na radio Luksemburgu:
"Good old <name>, he's getting old, really. When he was young, the
Dead Sea wast just slightly sick"
english.235niklaus,
(:> - Buzz off!!!
(:> - Bazz offa? Tenk you! Bazz offa to you too!!
P1: Hau mač voč? (za ne-engleze: kol'ko je sati?)
P2: Ten voč!
P1: Tenk ju veri mač!
(:niklaus:)
english.237dr.grba,
>> P2: Ten voč!
>> P1: Tenk ju veri mač!
- O, it iz sač mač voč.
- indid it iz.
english.238peca.st,
!-> P1: Tenk ju veri mač!
(umesto ovoga ide ovo:)
P1: O, sač mač voč?
Peđa.