VICEVI.4

12 May 1995 - 19 Dec 1999

Topics

  1. najbolji (68)
  2. bosanci (305)
  3. djetici (148)
  4. perica (96)
  5. pitalice (500)
  6. esnafski (308)
  7. politicki (587)
  8. sexy (333)
  9. bljak (113)
  10. crnjaci (414)
  11. bez.veze (369)
  12. english (369)
  13. lale (58)
  14. plavuse (307)
  15. razno (3017)
  16. unknown (22)

Messages - english

english.1 apostol,
ENGLESKO-SRPSKI REžNIK Ivan Apostolski A Little Tomorrow = Malo Sutra I am working with a full penny = Radim punom parom Big knife tomorrow = Kama Sutra I am talking alone with the room = Pričam sam sa sobom Calculate on me = Računaj na mene Yes Little Duck = Dapače Hey Wire Wire Wire, My Raincoat is Shaking = Hej, žica, žica, žica, drma mi se kabanica Where are you, sick = đe si, bolan Boys from the end = Momci iz kraja Translate me to the second page of the street = Prevedite me na drugu stranu ulice Dark of the job = Taman posla On the face of the place = Na licu mesta How yes no = Kako da ne Worked Melissa = Radio Mileva Meat Community = Mesna Zajednica They put him Foxes = Stavili su mu lisice Bean Yourself = Opasulji se Cabbaged book = Raskupusana knjiga I axed myself very much = Mnogo sam se sekirao Small Before = Malopre Waiting All Right for Bread = čekanje u redu za hleb Edge and Police Wagon = Ivica i Marica In is = U, je! Who Plums You = Ko te šljivi Two Bad Milosh Dead = Dva loša ubiše Miloša Whodrinks = Kopije Just-steel = Baš-čelik The In-fall of Little Mice = Upala mišića Hello for Ready = Zdravo za gotovo Blind Hose = Slepo crevo Whochicken = Kopile On-elephant = Naslon It doesn't dog = Ne pasuje I old about him = Ja se staram o njemu Red on railways = Crveno na pruge I am all on five = Sav sam napet Sea march = More marš Treasure to you = Blago tebi Are railway = Supruga He is a spitten father = On je pljunuti otac Fade, see, joke = Veni, vidi, vic(i) I have to fish the floor = Moram da ribam patos Holy shit = Sveta Stolica Lamb handkerchief = Jagnjeća maramica He took a paining = Uzeo je bolovanje Look at him receiving himself = Vidi ga kako se prima Everything that is lost can be thrown up = Sve što je izgubljeno može se povratiti Lightbulb throat = Sijalično grlo Priest singer = Pop-pevač On those mothers = Natenane The river blued the ground = Reka je poplavila zemlju Everything is up and up = Sve je gore i gore Onfuck = Najebati Forfuck = Zajebati Withfuck = Sjebati Fromfuck = Izjebati Offuck = Odjebati New Now = Novi Sad Castration City = Skoplje (alt. Withspear City = Skoplje) Forescratch City = Zagreb Wart City = Priština Sarah Is An Ox City = Sarajevo Wolfcook City = Vukovar Saturday City = Subotica Port Resort = Banja Luka (altern. Spa Harbor = Banja Luka) Runaway Hair = Bežanijska Kosa Oh Yes Gypsy Fox = Ada Ciganlija To-Grandfather-her City = Dedinje Notmind City = Neum Slantox = Kosovo Who Washes, Him Two = Ko umije njemu dvije Don't lay devil = Ne lezi vraže No Cat = Nemačka And That Fox = Italija No Yes Stolen = Neda Ukraden Yes To Little Cannon = Dado Topić Hope Big Cannon = Nada Topčagić Government and Fairy-tale = Vlada i Bajka Little Rose Little Juice = Ružica Sokić Happy Account = Radoje Kontić Freeman Gentlefuck = Slobodan Milošević But I And Brother-In-Law Escape = Alija Izetbegović Peace I on = Mirjana Peacewho = Mirko Kissopeace = Ljubomir Andout = Ivan Earlywho = Ranko Mroftalp Gnikrow = Aleksandar (od Working Platform = Radna skela) Gentleis = Miloje Mildis = Blagoje Apartmentwho (Flatwho) = Stanko Colorado = Bojan Apartmentandpeace = Stanimir Warandpeace = Ratimir Dearkiss = Dragoljub Who-what-on = Koštana Mt. Nick-Was-Digging = Kopaonik Mt. Noise-Oils = Bukulja Mt. I-Chorus-and-on = Jahorina Mt. Damned-and-is = Prokletije Mt. He-was-Like-an-Ox = Biokovo Mt. Flat = Ravna Gora P.S. Ako znate jos, mailnite apostol-a
english.2 supers,
Pošto je ponavljanje ovih prevoda dostiglo neslućene razmere, ja sam seo pa skupio sve što je do sada bilo ovde... english.txt
english.3 apostol,
EBO JO└┴┘ JEgAH: Where did my pencil grandfather itself? = Gde mi se dede olovka???
english.4 ratman,
... a 'de je GOAT MOUNTAIN CIRCUIT ? :) Pozdrav, Dejan.
english.5 apostol,
EBO HOBuX ŃPEBO┌đ┐A: Above late = Natkasna Court slow = Sudski spor With government = Savladati
english.6 dejanr,
Ovo nam je, iz Južnoafričke republike, poslala Ranka Jovanović - čini mi se da nije bilo na Sezamu: Signs and notices written in English that were discovered and recorded at locations throughout the world. In a Beijing Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notise. In a Tokyo Hotel: Please to bathe inside the tub. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up. !!!!!!!!!! In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. !!!!!!!!!! In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service. Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. >From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played. In a Czechoslovakin tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right. In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin. On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life. Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as a man. In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. >From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. >From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. Two signs from a Mojorcan shop entrance: - English well speaking - Here speeching American. Some additions to anguished English from Israeli menus: 1) sechel [Hebrew/Yiddish for intelligence] = brains 2) fresh bread daily daily [apparently yom yom] 3) planted egg salad = eggplant salad
english.7 apostol,
Wishwho Ribswhat = Zeljko Rebraca Governments Giant = Vlade  űDivac Sparkwho Dogburn = Zarko Paspalj Stinghorn = Bodiroga ( űDEJAN je neprevodivo) Overdear Dayandhunt = Predrag Danilovic Eto, za slavlje...
english.8 pyc.guy,
─── Stinghorn = Bodiroga ( űDEJAN je neprevodivo) Kako? :) Deyan ;) Pyc
english.9 mboban,
=-= ─── Stinghorn = Bodiroga ( űDEJAN je neprevodivo) =-= =-= Kako? :) =-= Deyan ;) Ako mu skratiš ime na Deja, može lepo da se prevede sa WhereI. :)
english.10 babbage,
Star Trek: The New Generation episode 95 Enterprise meets Microsoft continued in file... startrek.ms
english.11 babbage,
Na specijalni zahtev mr. sfilipa ;), evo ide još jedan: Star Trek: The New Generation unfortunate, last episode Enterprise meets Alien ...continued in file. startrek
english.12 ivan.mile,
Dejan Bodiroga = Deyan Stinghorn (*) Predrag Danilović = Overdear Dayandhunt (*) Saša Obradović = Withwhat About_chetnik (+) Zoran Sretenović = Handsome Visitor_of_the_Virgin (+) čarko Paspalj = Sparkwho Dogburn (*) Miroslav Berić = We_dew_lion Collector Aleksandar Đorđević = Mroftalp_Gnikrow Georgeyou čeljko Rebrača = Wishwho Ribswhat (*) Vlade Divac = Goverments Giant (*) Zoran Savić = Handsome Withyou Dejan Tomašević = Deyan Tomfucker Dejan Koturović = Deyan Wheeler (kotur=točak) (*) = by apostol (+) = by Morton Benson
english.13 apostol,
Zašto je Zoran = Handsome, ne znam. Zoran je po meni Dawn ili Dawnman. Miroslav je bolje kao Peacecelebrator. "VIĆ" se ne prevodi - čak ni kao "you", jer onda ostaje besmisleno "Ć" Obradović je bolje "Joyman" Ostalo je OK, naročito što si upotrebio moj prevod imena "ALEKSANDAR" :))))))
english.14 apostol,
I've been assing in the screen all day = žitav dan buljim u ekran I have onshouted on everything = Na sve sam navikao
english.15 supers,
Englesko-srpski rečnik bukvalizama, drugo izdanje :) prevodi.vic
english.18 avvocato,
gree>= -= ─── Stinghorn = Bodiroga ( űDEJAN je neprevodivo) gree>= -= gree>= -= Kako? :) gree>= -= Deyan ;) gree> gree> Ako mu skratiš ime na Deja, može lepo da se prevede sa WhereI. :) WhereIan... (iako Ian se u originalu izgovara kao "In", al' kod nas se "uvrežilo" "Jan"...)
english.19 maksa,
Iz romana Terminal Compromise: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs were in Europe and got to meet the Pope. Dopey really wanted to ask the Pope a few questions. - "Mr. Pope, Mr. Pope. Do you have pretty nuns?" - "Of course we do, Dopey." - "Mr. Pope, do you have fat ugly nuns?" - "Why, yes, Dopey, we do." - "And I bet, Mr. Pope, that you have some tall skinny nuns, too." - "Yes, Dopey we do." - "Mr. Pope? Do you have nuns in Chicago?" - "Yes, Dopey, we have nuns in Chicago?" - "And in San Francisco and New York?" - "Yes, Dopey." - "And do you have nuns in Africa and Australia and in France?" - "Yes, Dopey. We have nuns everywhere." Dopey took a second to think and finally asked: - "Mr. Pope? Do you have nuns in Antarctica?" - "No, Dopey, I'm sorry, we don't have any nuns in Antarctica." The other six dwarfs immediately broke out into a laughing song: "Dopey fucked a penguin. Dopey fucked a penguin."
english.20 apostol,
Šta je to: WITHOUT AND APARTMENT? Bezistan!
english.21 paki,
­> (iako Ian se u originalu izgovara kao "In", al' kod nas se "uvrežilo" ­> "Jan"...) In Gilan?
english.22 pyc.guy,
─── Sta je to: WITHOUT AND APARTMENT? ─── Bezistan! Runaway-flat Pyc
english.24 .obj,
THE FOLLOWING IS *NOT* FROM Microsoft(R) WinNews Electronic Newsletter Vol. 2, #10, July 5, 1995 God decides it's time for the world to end, and calls three leaders up to heaven to give them the warning. He summons Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates, and gives them the news. President Clinton calls a mongo press conference, and addresses the nation. "My fellow Americans," he reports, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there *is* a God, so the spiritual beliefs upon which this nation was founded have been proven sound. The bad news is that the world is going to end in one week." Similarly, Boris Yeltsin addresses his people. "My fellow citizens - comrades, capitalists, whatever - I have some bad news for you, and I have some worse news. The bad news is there *is* a God, so everything that we have believed in since the Revolution of 1917 appears to be wrong. The worse news is that the world is going to end in one week." Bill Gates chairs a meeting of all of the Microsoft management team, and the A/V feed is piped into all of the Microsoft facilities, so that everyone who's at work can hear the proceedings. "I have some good news, and some *great* news!" he announces, "The good news is that God thinks I'm really important! And the *great* news is that we're *never* gonna hafta ship Windows 95!"
english.25 ndragan,
/ In Gilan? From Gilan, tj iz Gnjilana. Kao i onaj Leonardo iz Vinče i onaj žarli iz žapljine.
english.26 zkecman,
Nadam se da ide ovde : So long : BLONDE JOKES 1. Why don't blondes eat pickles? Because they get their heads stuck in the jar! 2. Why don't blondes like Kool-Aid? They can't fit two quarts of water into the little package! 3. Why do blonde wash their hair in the kitchen sink? That's the right place to wash vegetables. 4. Why do blonde have the letters T.G.I.F. on their shoes? To remind them - Toes Go In First! 5. What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They are both empty from the neck up! 6. What do you do if a blonde throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back! 7. How do you get a blonde's eyes to sparkle? Shine a flashlight in her ear. 8. How do you give a blonde a brain transplant? Blow in her ear. 9. What does a blonde say after you blow in her ear. Thanks for the refill! 10. What do you call a pimple on a blonde's butt? A brain tumor. 11. What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted! 12. What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair black. Artificial intelligence. 13. What's the advantage to being married to a blonde? You can park in handicapped zones! 14. What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes? An interpreter. 15. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday! 16. How do you murder a blonde? Put spikes on her shoulder pads. 17. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer? White-Out on the screen! 18. What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? You only have to put information in a computer once! 19. What do you call a basement full of blondes? A WHINE cellar. 20. What does a smart blonde and a dinosaur have in common? They are both extinct. 21. What's the difference between Big Foot and a smart blonde? At least there are claims that Big Foot has been sighted. 22. If there was a $100 bill lying on the ground and there were (A) Santa Claus, (B) A dumb blonde, (C) The Easter Bunny, and (D) A smart blonde all standing there, who would pick up the $100 bill? (B) The dumb blonde. The rest are all fictional characters! 23. If a blonde and a brunette both fell off a building at the same time, who would hit the ground first? The brunette, the blonde would have to stop and ask directions. 24. Two blondes were lost in the woods and they came upon some tracks. The first blonde said, "Look deer tracks". and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks to me". They were still arguing when the train hit them! 25. How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb? ONE - she holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. 26. Why shouldn't blondes be given a coffee break? It takes too long to retrain them. 27. How can you tell if a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies? By the M&M shells on the counter! 28. How do you keep a blonde busy for a week? Hand her a box of M&Ms and have her alphabetize them! 29. What do you call five blondes standing in a row? A wind tunnel! 30. Why do blondes wear their bangs combed upwards? To stop everything from going over their head. 31. What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tight over her ears? Trying to hold on to a thought. 32. How do you drown a blonde? Put a mirror on the bottom of the pool. 33. What do you call a freezer full of blondes? Frosted flakes! 34. What is the mating call of a blonde? I think I'm Sooooo drunk! 35. What is the mating call of a brunette? Are the blondes gone yet? 36. What is the mating call of a redhead? NEXT! 37. What do you say to a blonde to convince her to go to bed with you? Have another beer. 38. How does a blond turn on the lights after love making? She opens the car door. 39. What do blondes and cow pies have in common? The older they get the easier they are to pick up! 40. Why do blondes wear hoop earrings. To have a place to rest their ankles. 41. What does a blonde do first thing in the morning? Introduces herself and goes home. 42. What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head? All you can eat for a buck. 43. What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? Her ankles. 44. Why do blondes wear underwear? To keep their ankles warm. 45. Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels? More headroom! 46. What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common. They both have "Black Boxes". 47. What do blondes and turtles have in common? Once they are on their backs, They're gonna get screwed! 48. What does a blonde and your computer have in common? You don't realize how much either means to you until after they go down! 49. What is the difference between a blond and bowling ball? You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball. 50. Why do blondes have square breasts? They didn't take the Kleenex out of the box. 51. What dose a blonde say after sex? Are you guys all on the same team? 52. How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day? Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil. 53. What does a blonde say after she is told by a doctor she is pregnant? Is it mine? VOTE FOR ME !!
english.27 zkecman,
I ovo se nadam da ide ovde: So long : Undocumented 8088/8086 Instruction Set Assembler programs are written with short abbreviations called MNEMONICS, in other words instead of writing GOTO, the programmer writes JMP or even BRA (branch). These instructions are frequently abbreviated into total incomprehensibility. Of course, we all know that abbreviations are arbitrary. Anyone who has spent any time programming in assembler knows that all computers can be programmed using an undocumented set of instructions. Frequently when an error is made writing a program in assembler a user can actually see the program executing the undocumented instructions. These instructions vary from machine from machine, but all computers have a certain set of them in common. As a service to humanity, I am here revealing these common instructions for the first time. ARG : Agree to Run Garbage BDM : Branch and Destroy Memory CMN : Convert to Mayan Numerals DDS : Damage Disk and Stop EMR : Emit Microwave Radiation ETO : Emulate Toaster Oven FSE : Fake Serious Error GSI : Garble Subsequent Instructions GQS : Go Quarter Speed HEM : Hide Evidence of Malfunction IDD : Inhale Dust and Die IKI : Ignore Keyboard Input IMU : Irradiate and Mutate User JPF : Jam Paper Feed JUM : Jeer at Users Mistake KFP : Kindle Fire in Printer LNM : Launch Nuclear Missles MAW : Make Aggravating Whine NNI : Neglect Next Instruction OBU : Overheat and Burn if Unattended PNG : Pass Noxious Gas QWF : Quit Working Forever QVC : Question Valid Command RWD : Read Wrong Device SCE : Simulate Correct Execution SDJ : Send Data to Japan TTC : Tangle Tape and Crash UBC : Use Bad Chip VDP : Violate Design Parameters VMB : Verify and Make Bad WAF : Warn After Fact XID : eXchange Instruction with data YII : Yield to Irresistible Impulse ZAM : Zero All Memory VOTE FOR ME !!
english.28 zkecman,
Ovo sto posto ide ovde : So long : STAR TREK V - The EMAIL Message (or More Trouble Than Tribbles) The following was gleaned from a ship's log adrift in space near the new nebula LANpoop, named for the Starship LANpoop, which disappeared at about the same time the nebula appeared in the Atlanta Cluster in the Georgia galaxy, Sector 3, Quadrant 7. "Stardate 3.1.415.927, Admiral George P. Burdell, MIS Starship LANpoop. "We recently ran out of space on our F: drive (a networked DOS partition on STIATL (our unix isolation ward hardware), which is networked to some VAXen via TCP/IP). We realized we were silly to tie ourselves to 1 drive with limited potential, and soon schemed to create a truly virtual F: drive from our available resources. Steve Lyle, our Systems Administrator, 1st class, carried out the operation, without consulting the Captain of the Starship LANpoop." Captain: "Status report, Mr. Spock?" Spock: "I'm querying the new NetManager, now, Captain." Sulu: "Captain! All dialup ports frozen solid!" Captain: "Mr. Scott! Whats happening down there?" Scott: "I dunna ae tellee burra syncing ona e disks, forsooth?" Captain: "Huh???" Chekov: "Sir, I believe he said, "I dunna ae tellee burra syncing ona e disks, forsooth?"" Captain: "Say what?" Spock: "Sir, I believe he said the disks are full, and backfeeding bits onto the BI bus. I've got the NetManager query response coming in now." Admiral: (smiling) "Mr. Chekov, may I remind you that baiting an officer is a dangerous game?" Sulu: (whispered) "It's better than no game at all." NetManager: "VAX01 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause) "VAX02 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause) "VAX03 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause) "VAX04 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause) Captain: "Spock! What could have happened?" Spock: "Insufficient data, Captain, but the ship's disk log seems to indicate that the F: drive has broken out of the UNIX isolation ward and grown to an incredible size. It must have eaten all of our spare disk to do this." Sulu: "Captain, we've got inbound WATS customers on TTYs 1, 5, and 7. All of them say their respective Commtasks are dying, and they have gone to Condition Red. LANfleet command is on the LA120 with an urgent message to help them." Captain: "Spock?" Spock: "Not without more resources, Ron." Captain: "Mr. Scott!!! I need more disk! Giga factor 2!" Scott: "Huh???" Spock: "Allow me, Captain. Mr. Scott, thah captain sesd heanz seasd na ha mure spece onha deesk ana hea musthef 2 gig or mure." Captain: (head in hands, quietly) "Why did I ever leave the Equifax?" Scott: "I canna dewit! We hefna thah moolah allocayhted theys fiscahlyeer!" Captain: "Huh???" Chekov: "I believe he said..." Captain: "Myester Sulooh shuhht hyim oop! Iya ken heeyear tha noiz mahself!" Spock: "Sir, I believe he said we can't afford it." Captain: "Beam me to finance, Mr. Scott." Spock: "Wait, captain. Not yet. Dr. McCoy and Lt. Anderson have been training a new F: drive expert over in PD. Corporal Lyle, I think. Maybe he can help." NetManager: "...VAX318 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause) "VAX319 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause) "VAX320 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause) Captain: "Mr. Spock! Can you shut that thing..." Spock: "Wait!" NetManager: "STIATL - urgent msg for lyle: F: drive full" Spock: "Fascinating. Here's the trouble. The STIATL drive filled up, and a virtual F:olator kicked in, allowing the other drives on the net to consume themselves. Even the Warp drive is full. All the dilithium crystals got archived to tape to make room for DOS programs." Captain: "DOS!!! I thought we pawned those off on the Klingons. We did! I remember. The MS plague wiped them out!" Spock: "Yes, sir, but DOS are like tribbles, but MUCH less friendly, and MUCH more dangerous." Captain: "This is the Captain! Prepare to abandon ship! Mr. Spock, activate self-destruct sequence..." The recorded conversation is followed by a noise suspiciosly similar to that made by a mongo EMP applied to the recorder circuits of a Starship's log. The investigation is proceeding apace. Disclaimer: You know how it goes, I'm sure. VOTE FOR ME !!
english.29 zkecman,
* Tasteless Jokes * --------------- 06-26-92 The following are a collection of tasteless jokes that I have heard in my travels. Enjoy! NASA ---- Where did the Challenger crew take their vacation? All over Florida CELEBRITIES ----------- What kind of wood doesn't float? Natalie Wood Natalie Wood did not shower the day of her death. Her reason? She wanted to wash up later on the beach Why did Jessica Savitch's car sink to the bottom of the canal with her in it? She was the anchor-woman What did they find in Jessica Savitch's glove compartment when they pulled the car from the canal? Ted Kennedy's road maps SERIAL KILLERS -------------- How did they find out Jeffrey Dahmer was a cigarette smoker? They found a bunch of butts behind his couch What is Jeffrey Dahmer's favorite line of clothing? Dis-Members Only Jeffrey Dahmer had his mother over for dinner when she suddenly said, "You know, Jeffrey, I don't like your neighbors..." Which he responded, "Just eat the vegetables then..." ETHIOPIANS ---------- How many Ethiopians can you fit in a phone booth? All of them What do you call an Ethiopian with a fur coat on? A pipe cleaner What do you call an Ethiopian walking a dog? A caterer AIDS ---- Doctor: "Your wife either has Ahlzeimer's or AIDS." Husband: "How can we find out which?" Doctor: "I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home; don't fuck her." What does MAGIC stand for in Magic Johnson? My Ass Got Infected Coach How did David Copperfield catch AIDS? He was playing with Magic (D.C. has never been reported as having AIDS) When asked how his daughter does not have AIDS and he does, Magic Johnson replied: "I used a condom". DATING ------ Woman answers a knock at the door and is greeted with roses. Her Girl Friend: "Who are they from?" Woman: "My boyfriend; guess that means I'll have to keep my legs open all weekend" Girl Friend: "Why not use a vase?" <ouch!> BLONDES ------- Why do blondes wear panties? To keep their ankles warm FOOD ---- Customer: "Waiter, is that Monk-fish blackened or broiled?" Waiter: "Neither, its a fryer" (ba-da-boom) Pozdrav od mene. SALE.CAR
english.30 zkecman,
Sad malo naucnih. ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS IN THE U.S.A. (Who said the American education system is below par?) ----------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. 2. Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards. 3. The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think. 4. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers. 5. The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now. 6. To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in. 7. The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation. 8. A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat. 9. The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours. 10. The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs. 11. To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium. 12. To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. 13. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. 14. Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. 15. Geometry teaches us to bisex angles. 16. A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending. 17. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. 18. The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only itis even deader. 19. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. 20. An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat. 21. We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks. 22. English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse. 23. By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep. 24. If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence. 25. Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire. 26. Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident. 27. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. 28. A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. 29. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. 30. A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter. 31. The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul. 32. When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier. 33. It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind. 34. Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions. 35. For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. 36. For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth. 37. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. 38. For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body. 39. For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration. 40. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. 41. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. 42. For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock. 43. For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. 44. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. 45. Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles. 46. When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime. 47. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. - end of file - HIgh
english.31 zkecman,
THE CREATION In the beginning, all was void, with the spirit of God brooding over the dark vapors. Then God said, "Let there be Byte," and there was Byte. God saw the Byte, and was pleased with it, and divided the Byte into Bits. He created a multitude of zeros, for zeros were all there were. On the Second day God toyed with the Bytes, and organized some of them into groups, to which He said, "You shall be called Words, for from Bytes you came, and of Bytes are you composed." On the Third day God said (to whom God was talking has never been ascertained or even questioned), "I have Words, made up of Bytes, made up of Bits. But something's missing." So God scraped up a lump of clay, squeezed it tightly in His mighty hands, and flung it against the sky, where it solidified into a smokey mass. God saw the steaming heap, that it was good, and was pleased, and said to it, "You shall be called Hardware, a home for My Words and Bytes and Bits, and as you are the very first of your kind I shall call you CPU." And God turned, and with a flick of His wrist spewed forth tape drives ("For you shall serve as a temporary home for My words..."), discs, paper tape, terminals, on-line printers, entire remote stations, whole teleprocessing installations. And God saw all this sparkling in the heavens, that it was good, and He was pleased. Having done all this, God rested. On the Fourth day, God reviewed all that He had done. He saw His Bits and His Bytes residing statically on an infinite variety of media. But He was not pleased. "Something's missing," said He. "I need to animate My treasured Bytes, to give them Life." So God leaned back, touched a soiled hand to His mighty brow, and with one single, all-powerful thought, set His hardware in motion. "You," said He to the intangible breath now coursing through His hardware, "I shall call software, for..." and so on, and so forth. And He continued, "You are the first, the best, the most perfect and omnipotent software." And divided the software into many parts; into utilities, compilers, system libraries and His favorite, most privilieged and beloved operating system. God was pleased, so He rested. On the Fifth day, God again surveyed all that He had done, and was filled with joy. He found that with His creation he could determine the value of Pi to ten thousand digits. He found that He could produce flowcharts of His beloved operating system, and these He posted by His throne. He discovered that He could run off Snoopy calenders, pictures of the Mona Lisa, and witty little computer accounts of The Creation. And with a terminal at His throne, He didn't have to travel halfway to Hell to access His system. He called His creation "Imperatatum Byte Magnamus" (or "IBM" for short). But all was not well. God's beloved system was so large, so complex, that even the mighty God - maker of heavens and earth (but that's another story), the Builder of the CPU and virtual memory, the Author of Fortran - was hard-pressed to keep up on how everything worked. So God said, "I'll make Me a Man." And He did, and to the man He said, "You shall be called (logically enough) "Man," and to you shall fall the responsibility of maintaining all that I have done." And to keep man happy after-hours, God gave him Woman, saying to man, "For I know that even Bytes get lonely for a little Bit." And God rested, chuckling at His own little play on words. On the Sixth day, God mounted His throne, logged onto His terminal, and engaged in a full day of uninterrupted 1-second turnaround. He saw all that He had done, that it was good. He was pleased that from His first Byte He had created such a wonderful and extensive toy. He created file after file, He performed advanced and impressive on-line data base updates, He wrote a faster and more extensive Fortran compiler, and in general rejoiced in the perfection of His I.B.M. After a hard day's work on a hot terminal - during which man was quitely familiarizing himself with the system documentation - God called it a day ("You I shall call day..." and so forth) and went to sleep. On the Seventh day - so tired was He from the week's labors - God slept all day. What transpired on that crucial seventh day is recounted in the "Fall of Man..." THE FALL OF MAN Late in the Sixth day of creation, woman called him at work and begged him to come home, as dinner was getting cold. Man grudgingly consented, but brought home with him a copy of the system documentation to study. After dinner, woman cooed some suggestive little sighs and slipped invitingly into bed. Man followed, but - being beat after a hard day at the office - fell straight to sleep. Woman had an indescribable inner feeling that this was not how things should be on their first night in bed (or in existence, for that matter), and disdainfully flung man's notebook from the nightstand. The book fell open to an important-looking page marked "WARNING" in bold letters. Now, woman was possessed of insatiable curiosity. God - we must assume - had been entirely familiar with contempary Greek writings on the subject, particularly with the escapades of a wayward feminist named Pandora. At any rate, woman picked up the book, and read: WARNING: "You I have created to matintatin application programs and to operate My beloved I.B.M. You may partake of My utilities, My Fortran, My files and tapes and flowcharts. But with My operating system thou shalt not tamper, for to the user it giveth unlimited MASTER MODE powers..." Woman - being as greedy as she was beautiful - immediately woke man. She derided him for his sheepishness, for his lack of initiative, for his cowering before a silly machine. She filled his mind with thoughts of power and greed, and instilled in him the resolve to win for himself all the privileges of the operating system. Besides, reasoned woman, as boss, man won't come home dead tired, and might be worth something after dinner... So man returned to work the next day, intent on breaching the operating system. He needled, he patched, he disguised clever little traps in his programs which - for tantalyzingly brief periods of time - slipped into master mode. By the end of the Seventh day, man was so close to mastering the operating system that he didn't go home 'til very late. So pleased was he - and so sure that the coming day would reward him with total control of God's own system - that he whistled all the way home, and when he got there snuck into the bedroom and gave woman a pleasant surprise... Early on the Eighth day, man did it. God was on the terminal early, playing blackjack with His computer. So man was able to submit his carefully-prepared batch job without being noticed. The system burped, God's terminal blinked once but then all was normal. Man's heart lept. It was his operating system now, not God's. For a moment he stood stunned with the impact of his move. Then - with a self-assurance that only novice programmers can truly appreciate - he seated himself at the master console, and pushed the attention key. His hands trembling with excitement, he began to type "DELETE G-O-D". BINGO. Just as He was about to hit the carriage return - and with the system $500 ahead in God's blackjack game (God holding 20 for a thousand-dollar pot) - the system crashed. God was furious. "You ignored My warning," said He to man, as woman wailed pathetically that she had had nothing to do with it. "You violated My beloved system, and dared think that you could become as one with God." He waved man disdainfully from His sight. He then reached into His I.B.M., took a handful of core, mutilated it a little, and flung it after man. "Go," said He to the slice of core, "and multiply into a host of inferior systems, each more prostituted and glitch-filled than the last. And perhaps if man's time is wasted debugging inferior systems, I won't be bothered by him." And that - according to the book of Byte - is why the world consists of two type of computers: IBM, and all the rest. And so it is that certain individuals are born to serve God's favorite IBM, while others are condemned to suffer the damnation of amateur "other" computer companies. But if you're very good, and if you're honest and trustworthy and like to work twenty hours a day without material reward, then you may well hope that one day you will be selected to move up through Xerox to Burroughs to Honeywell to Univac to that great system in the sky whose initials inspire men to this very day - I.B.M.. -- VOTE FOR ME !!
english.32 zkecman,
Chemical Analysis Element : Woman Symbol : WO Discoverer : Adam Quantitative Analysis: Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have been identified Occurance: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas Physical Properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing, and freezes at a moments notice. Totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic but attracted by coins & sports cars. In its natural shape the secimen varys considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernable except to the experienced eye. Chemical Properties: Has a great affinity for AU, AG, & C, especially in the crystalline form. May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH & sexy aftershave. An essential catalyst is often required (must say that you love her at least 5 times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in dark & all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic. Storage: Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 & 25 years. Uses: Highly ornamental. Uses as a tonic for low spirits. Used on lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared). Tests: Pure specimens turn rosey tint if discovered in raw, natural state. Turns green if placed beside a better specimen. Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income & ego). Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is permitted. VOTE FOR ME !!
english.33 zkecman,
I'm a hacker and I'm OK I work all night and I sleep all day. -- I wrote some hacks in APL, each on a single line. They're mutually recursive, and run in n-squared time. (chorus) Oh, he's a hacker and he's ok, He works all night and he sleeps all day. I'm a hacker and I'm ok, I work all night and I sleep all day. -- I wrote two hacks in Macro, with UUO's galore. One plays Nim on the console lights while the other zeros core. (chorus) I wrote a hack in SNOBOL with FORTRAN subroutines. It spits out trashy stories for ladies' magazines. (chorus) I wrote some hacks in InterLisp, they barely fit in core. The swapper thrashed its guts out, So now it runs no more. (chorus) I wrote a hack in microcode, with a goto on each line. It runs as fast as Superman, But not quite every time. (chorus) I wrote some hacks in Ada, and still can't run them yet. Do you suppose we'll see that day? On it I would not bet. (chorus) I wrote a hack for UNIX, when it was still in vogue. It knows the tricks to PacMan, and plays mean games of Rogue. (chorus) I wrote some hacks, distributed, across our neat gateway. Each one of its 10 functions kills RIG in a different way! (chorus) I wrote some hacks in Mlisp, to edit files of root. It writes them back no-execute, and now it won't reboot! (chorus) I wrote some hacks to manage jobs with PLITS and IPC. Its very first activity was firing the faculty. (chorus) I wrote some hacks with P and V to synchronize my life. Now I can't use the bathroom, I'm deadlocked with my wife! (chorus) I wrote a hack(in theory), it may not ever halt. But if it does, just watch out... [Fatal Error: Infinite Page Fault] (chorus) I wrote a hack with hough transforms for the folks at DoD. It'll guide their fancy missles to Washington D.C. -- I'm a hacker and I'm OK I work all night and I sleep all day. I'll have a system of my own someday, that'll run my code in a hacked up way. --tvr ------ Pozdrav, Sale.Car
english.34 zkecman,
Q B X - 1 SINGLE-BOARD NUCLEAR REACTOR SUPPLIES STANDBY POWER FOR 12 YEARS Now available on a full-length plugin card for IBM PC or compatible computers, the QBX-1 add-on nuclear-reactor card provides backup power for as long as 12 years. When the card senses a power failure, explosive bolts eject moderator and control rods from the reactor's interior within 20 usec, bringing the reactor to its fully rated output of 20 kW in less than a millisecond. Over its 12-year active life, the reactor's power decreases by 25% to 15 kW. Integral heat fins provide convection cooling of the reactor's 500W power dissipation while in its standby condition. If your computer's fans can't furnish 400 ft3/sec of forced air for cooling, consider buying the manufacturer's heavy-water cooling jacket and stainless-steel pump module, which fit con- veniently under a desk or workbench. Latches on each side of the reactor module let you quickly exchange the radioactive core, should you need to replace it. An optional circular viewing port of lead glass lets you check the mechanical assemblies. To protect users from undue radiation, each reactor includes a shielding kit comprising five self-stick lead plates and 20 radiation-monitoring film badges. The lead plates mount inside your computer's enclosure and reduce the gamma rays that cause soft errors to floppy-disk and RAM data. For further protection, consider buying the manufacturer's 200-ft extension cords for keyboards and monitors. Because the reactor can supply more than enough power for your computer, you can sell excess power to your local utility company. An add-on phasing and metering kit (PMK-1) lets you connect your reactor to the local power grid. Each PMK-1 includes standard power-sale contracts and Rural Electrification Board rules and regulations. Although not required in all localities, each reactor card package includes a standard 23-volume site-evacuation plan. The plan includes blank forms for you to fill in the name and address of your reactor side and then mail to the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. As an option, the manufacturer supplies the plan on 12 MS-DOS-compatible disks in Wordstar format. User-friendly templates let you type in information so that your word processor can create a complete, printed document. Reactor prices start at $2.3 million. Delivery, seven years ARO. Pozdrav, Sale.Car
english.35 zkecman,
Luminesent Electronics Products Inc. Box U-235 Trinity Site, NM 43210 GMTA = Great Minds Think Alike LOL =lauging out loud BTW = By The Way... OTF = on the floor (laughing) GTRM = Going To Read Mail afk = away from keyboard :| = bored < also :I > bak = back at keyboard BBL = Be Back Later brb = be right back J/K = Just Kidding Txs = Thanks :) = smile {} a hug :D = smile/laughing :( frown :* = kiss :'( crying ;) = wink O:) angel :X = my lips are sealed }:> devil :P = sticking out tongue (_)] Beer \\//_ Vulcan salute \o/ Praise the Lord, pray, whatever... ->>>>>>>-- Feather=just teasing, tickling NIFOC -- Nude In Front Of Computer :0 -- smiley face of one with braces (i.e., Jon) CUL8er - See you Later OIC - Oh I See :0 - Kiss with mouth open (be careful when hitting the shift key when typing :) --- you could give a :0 to somebody you intended to give a :) too!) :p - Kissing with tounge stuck out () - Cuddling <> - Making Love >< - Opposite of above - not to be used in polite company :[ - Dracula bite on the neck :O - Yawn (falling asleep) {} - fuzzie hug \/-- - square root (not used often) |_|} - cup of coffee (or other beverage) OA-Q - Leaving O-|-< (dead body)Useful for bad jokes, or good jokes ` :") ------smiling indian(you all know how to make a sad indian) C|:) ------wearing a cap [|:) ------wearing a top hat :S ------confused, or silly face zzzzz -------very bored :L --------drooling :L~~ --------drooling on keyboard $) ---------greedy X) ----------closed eyes (hmm)Ooo.. :) ---thinking happy thoughts (hmm)Ooo.. :( ---thinking sad thoughts (hmm)Ooo.. :> ---thinking naughty thoughts @--`-,---- A rose for you.... ########## Train tracks/fence (I don't know what you'd use this for) =:H Rabbit face (cute huh?) BFD Big Flying Deal! WGFF? Who Gives A Flyin...? DITYID Did I Tell You I'm Distressed? S:) Smiling Pompadour (or Geeky haircut) PU That Stinks! SOL Smiling Out Loud (or You're Out of Luc Pozdrav, Sale.Car
english.36 apostol,
Evo još jednog fazona Nor is not naked = Nije nego (ni je ne go)
english.37 nameci,
Treba mi hitno tj trebaju mi skečevi od Motni Pajtona. Ako ima neko neka javi na mail. Slijedi upload litre piva :) Pozdrav
english.40 knight,
> Treba mi hitno tj trebaju mi skečevi od Motni Pajtona. Ako ima > neko neka javi na mail. Slijedi upload litre piva :) Ima fajl od preko dvesta kila, okačeno u ovoj temi pre 2 godine (za broj confa se snađi sam). Btw, zašto je hitno, ako nije tajna? Neka priredba?.. :))
english.41 fancy,
ŮŢ> Btw, zašto je hitno, ako nije tajna? Neka priredba?.. :)) Dolazi im uvaženi gost iz Hrvatske na kafu, pa spremaju program ;)
english.42 nemko,
)>- Dolazi im uvaženi gost iz Hrvatske na kafu, pa spremaju )>- program ;) A zakuska, kolacici (nemojte zaboraviti da se mesto secera u prahu stavlja kreozan). >> Ko zna, shvatice. ;)
english.43 knight,
> Ima fajl od preko dvesta kila, okačeno u ovoj temi pre 2 > godine (za broj confa se snađi sam). Pardon, ne ovde nego u temi film. Ide i vic (zbog... brisanja ;)) VOTE FOR ME! ;))
english.44 apostol,
Kako se kaze na engleskom "JA SAM DOSADA BIO DOBAR"? "I ALONE BOREDOM WAS GOOD"
english.45 vujos,
> Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a > London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel > involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned. > > > WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELLING > ****************************************************** > > Dear Maid, > Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my > bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove > the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest > and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. > Thank you, > S. Berman > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Dear Room 635, > I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from > her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as > you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and > put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your > mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions > from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. > I hope this is satisfactory. > Kathy, Relief Maid > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid. > Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the > little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found > you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. > I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my > own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on > the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. > Please remove them. > S. Berman > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Dear Mr. Berman, > My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which > we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in > your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial > was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. > I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed > inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did > not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me > know if I can of further assistance. > Your regular maid, > Dotty > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Dear Mr. Berman, > The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you > called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid > service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will > accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any > future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal > attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you. > Elaine Carmen > Housekeeper > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Dear Miss Carmen, > It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for > business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the > reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. > I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little > bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a > new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my > medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the > bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little > bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? > S. Berman > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Dear Mr. Berman, > Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your > room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, > please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you, > Elaine Carmen, > Housekeeper > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Dear Mr. Kensedder, > My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my > room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and > had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. > S. Berman > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Dear Mr. Berman, > I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. > I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids > are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. > The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my > apologies for the inconvenience. > Martin L. Kensedder > Assistant Manager > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Dear Mrs. Carmen, > Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last > night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars > of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I > have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. > Please give me back my bath-size Dial. > S. Berman > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Dear Mr. Berman, > You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. > Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so > I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and > the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know > anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, > did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays > plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this > hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size > Ivory which I left in your room. > Elaine Carmen > Housekeeper > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Dear Mrs. Carmen, > Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. > As of today I possess: > > > - On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack >of 2 > - On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. > - On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 >hotel-size > Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. > - Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. > - In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. > - On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. > - On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. > > Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are > neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more > than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window > sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap > deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized > Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further > misunderstandings. > S. Berman ─────────────
english.46 apostol,
Burn = Ložiti Onburn = Naložiti (dati nalog) Fromburn = Odložiti Fromburn (2) = Izložiti Beforeburn = Predložiti Inburn = Uložiti Slaže se, zar ne?
english.52 ganta,
Funny Unix csh/sh commands: =========================== % cat "food in cans" cat: can't open food in cans % nice man woman No manual entry for woman. % rm God rm: God nonexistent % ar t God ar: God does not exist % ar r God ar: creating God % "How would you rate Quayle's incompetence? Unmatched ". % ŠWhere is Jimmy Hoffa? Missing Ć. % žHow did the sex change operation go?ž Modifier failed. % If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have? Too many ('s. % make love Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop. % sleep with me bad character % got a light? No match. % man: why did you get a divorce? man:: Too many arguments. % !:say, what is saccharine? Bad substitute. /* not csh but sh */ $ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense no sense in pretending! $ drink <bottle; opener bottle: cannot open opener: not found
english.53 ganta,
Top Ten Signs You are an Internet Geek ------------------------ 10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address. 9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?" 8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends email. 7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food. 6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you. 5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest. 4. You introduce your wife as "my ladyčhome.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications". 3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server". 2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so "colon-right parentheses!" ...And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek: 1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!".
english.54 drakce,
What did O.J say after the verdict was read? A: Hey Lance, now can I have my gloves back?
english.55 drakce,
A man goes into his doctor and says in a high squeeky voice "Doctor help me I can't stand my voice to be this high, no one will talk to me, no one will date me, and I can't find a job." The doctor examines him and finds out he has a three foot long penis. So he tells the patient in a deep baritone voice: "your penis is putting a strain on your internal organs, including you vocal cords. To fix your voice we will have to remove some of you penis." A few weeks after the operation, the man comes back to thank the doctor. In a deep baritone voice he says "Doctor I can't thank you enough, since you removed two feet of my penis I have made many friends, began dating, and have an incredible job...By the way, what did you do with the stuff you removed?" The doctor answers in a very high squeeky voice "We threw it away of course, absolutely worthless".
english.56 drakce,
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?" "None...", replied Johnny. "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
english.57 dragisha,
-> Kako se kaze na engleskom "JA SAM DOSADA BIO DOBAR"? -> -> "I ALONE BOREDOM WAS GOOD" Q: A na srpskom? A: "JA SAM DO SADA BIO DOBAR?" -- [Rural life is lived mostly in the country]
english.58 dejanr,
Two lengths of string walk into a bar. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?" The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLkjk 3sd#f6 -dasdfa%^^7howe%^U." "Please excuse my friend, " says the second length of string, "he isn't null terminated."
english.59 darone,
The Rules of Bedroom Golf 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole. 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection. 10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Some players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course. 11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. 12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning of bush around the hole to permit improved viewing of, alignment with and approach to the hole. 13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine. 14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the course owner's request. 15. It is considered outstanding performance (time permitting) to play the same hole several times in one match. 16. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
english.60 darone,
Here's the famous smurfs. Enjoy and pass on ... It's time to tell the truth about Smurfs You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times. "But," people ask, "do Smurfs have..... you know,...... *sex*?" The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES! And why shouldn't they? They're people, too. What *most* people don't know is why Smurfs are blue. Well, the reason is because Smurfs only have sex once a year. Face it: if you had sex only once a year, you'd be blue, too. Once a year, in the Smurf village, flags and banners fly happily in the breeze, proclaiming that the day of the annual Smuckfest has arrived. Birds sing and the Sun comes out to watch, despite the weatherSmurf's direst predictions. I guess good ol' Mr. Sun is a voyeur. In the middle of town, Papa Smurf gives a brief speech explaining the origin of the Smuckfest; how Dr. C. Everett Koop came to the village and warned all the Smurfs about AIDS. Papa Smurf knew that no one made condoms small enough for a Smurf (even though everyone knows that all male Smurfs are uniformly well-hung, for their size), so he decreed that all Smurfs would only smuck one day a year. "Smucking one day a year will help us identify any diseases we may transmit to one another, and keep them from spreading to the animals in the forest," declaimed Papa Smurf. "Besides, it will give Smurfette a chance to rest." Yes! Smurfette must rest. For, as everyone knows, Smurfette is the only female Smurf in the village, and after a full day of having vigorous, rabid sex with two hundred cunt-crazed little blue men, she needs a break. So, on the appointed day, Papa Smurf bids everyone throw their inhibitions to the wind and immerse themselves in debauchery. And, as is his privilege, Papa Smurf throws out the first throe. At his signal, Smurfette unties the skintight blue band she must use to suppress her natural bustiness, and her astounding tits spring forth into the daylight. The Sun gleams lecherously on the smooth, blue flesh, nipples crinkling in the light of day from her soon-to-be-unbridled lust. Then Smurfette shimmies out of her skirt and stands before the crowd, naked as the day she was born, save the spike-heeled white boots she has donned just for the occasion. Her long, blonde hair cascades down her back and lasciviously outlines her buttocks, clinging like a dirty old man's gaze to each curve and dimple. Her cunt winks lewdly from behind the golden shield of pubic glory, already glistening in mad anticipation of each and every raging rod it would receive that day. And receive them gladly it would, for hers is the indefatigable furburger, and she hungered for the sauce blended in the heat of passion. Smurfette turns to Papa Smurf and lifts her stupendous breasts with their turgid nipples to his lips. He takes each one, in turn, into his mouth, where his tongue dances the Fabulous Fandango around the areolae, as Smurfette moans like a cat in heat. Then, when poor Smurfette can take no more, Papa Smurf drops to his bony little knees and sprinkles his magic deSmurfilating dust on Smurfette's engorged cunt lips. Presto! The lovely blonde braiding material falls from her, leaving her shaved smooth as a hard-boiled egg. "Oh, Papa Smurf!" she cries. "Encore!! Encore!!", as she writhes in anticipation of the Fabulous Furless Fandango danced 'round her pulsating pussy. Papa Smurf does not disappoint the damsel in distress; he slides his hands under her tight little blue ass and parts her moistness with his thumbs. As the hot, funky juices begin to run down his arms, he plunges tongue-first and tonsil-deep into her wiggling womanhood. Smurfette gasps as the talented tongue begins to do its magic, and her cunt clutches at it like a baby bird after a worm. Cradling his head to her crotch, Smurfette's hips begin to slowly grind and twitch, for Papa Smurf's tongue has unerringly found her S-spot, and Smurfette begins the slow, hot, agonizing rise to ecstasy. "Oh, make me smurf, baby, make me smurf!", she pants, each stroke of his tongue causing her to throb and clutch. As Smurfette's moans and cries rise in pitch higher and higher, the crowd gazes in amazement at the mighty mound of meat struggling to escape from Papa Smurf's pants. This, then, is the legendary Trouser Titan, bulging forth in a determined attempt to split the barrier. Just when Smurfette is certain that she will die from sheer sensory overload, Papa Smurf flings off his Levis and frees the Magnificent Heat-Seeking Moisture Missle from its cradle. Maddened with blind lust, Smurfette hurls Papa Smurf to the platform and leaps shrieking into the air, landing unerringly on his Titanic Totem. Suddenly filled, Smurfette's cunt explodes in a monster orgasm, the force of which propels her screaming into the air again and again, each time plummeting her onto the Potent Purple Pecker and triggering another climax. Before Smurfette can achieve orbit, Papa Smurf grab her legs and pulls her to the ground. Swiftly, he stands, pulling her to her knees. Gasping in awe, Smurfette gets a head-on view of his hard-on, glistening in the light like a war staff. The sight of this shining stud is too much for Smurfette, who immediately grabs both of Papa smurf's bulging balls in her hands and pulls him to her waiting mouth. With preternatural skill and primeval hunger, Smurfette devours the monster cock, licking and sucking like a starving child with an ice cream cone. His ass knotting like a sailor's anchor rope, Papa Smurf pounds into Smurfette's mouth with furious strokes. As he reaches his blazing climax, he forces Smurfette to take all thirteen and 7/8ths inches of blue tube steak and fires round after pulsing round of blue goo down her ravenous throat. "Hurray!!", shouts the crowd. "Now it's OUR turn!!" Suddenly the town square erupts with scenes of azure carnality, as 200 tiny blue asses appear in the sunlight. 200 raging cocks swarm toward Smurfette's waiting and ever-willing cunt, ready to make her scream for mercy as they scream for more. 400 bouncing balls follow each other toward the nearest available orifice, making Smurfette wish there were more of her. Those lucky enough to find access to Smurfette's fabulous form begin their crazed humping, as others find their schlongs being stroked as fast as she can grab. Those whose time will come later are coming now, as their friends clutch lustily at their forbidden fruits, flinging frothy fuck-foam far and wide. Up the ass! Down the throat! Backhand, forehand, underhand, in the armpit or behind the knee, the Smurfs erupt in a display of orgasmic prowess to shame the most devoted student of the Kama Sutra. Soon the street become hazardous to navigate (and navigate one must), as the square gets deeper and deeper in the collective come. Hour after hour, the orgy rampages on. Gradually, as night falls, the screams of orgasmic ecstasy turn to the moans and sighs of deep contentment, with the occasional whimper from an over-enthusiastic sodomite. Soon all is quiet, as Smurf helps Smurf back to Home and Preparation H. Tubes of Chap-Stick are quickly distributed to soothe aching lips, and aloe gel is applied (as are lips, if it is too stimulating) to the citizen's members to ease the burning. As the exhausted (and completely sated) Smurfs lie in sexual stupor, gentle rains come (not them, too!) to wash away all traces of the fleshfest that was. And you wondered why Smurfs are always in such a good mood... hotter than Georgia asphalt
english.61 darone,
HAZARDOUS MATERIAL INFORMATION BULLETIN "WOMEN" - A Chemical Analysis Element: Woman Symbol: Wo Discoverer: Adam Atomic Mass: Accepted at 53.6kg but may vary from 40kg to 200kg Occurrence: Copious quantities in all urban areas PHYSICAL PROPERTIES 1. Surface usually covered with painted film 2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason 3. Melts if given special treatment 4. Bitter if incorrectly used 5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore CHEMICAL PROPERTIES 1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones 2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances 3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason 4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation of alcohol 5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man COMMON USES 1. Highly ornamental, especially in a sports car 2. Can be a great aid in relaxation 3. Very effective cleaning agent TESTS 1. Pure specimens turn rosy pink when discovered in natural state 2. Turns green when placed next to a better specimen POTENTIAL HAZARDS 1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands 2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations, as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other
english.62 iivkovic,
Stolen from the Humor-list Subject: Netaholics Anonymous You know you're hooked on the internet if... * You think "surfing" is something you do on dry land * You find yourself staring at your "inbox" waiting for new e-mail to arrive. * You communicate with people on other continents more than you do with your own neighbors. * Your business cards contain your e-mail address. * You promise yourself that you'll only stay online for another 15 minutes ...at least once every hour. You know you're really hooked on the internet if... * You cut classes or miss work so you can stay home and browse the web. * Everyone you know asks why your phone line is always busy. * When you get home from a long day, you turn on the computer before the air conditioner or the television. * You religiously respond to immediately to e-mail, while ignoring your growing pile of snail mail * You sit down at the computer right after dinner and your spouse says "See you in the morning." * Your kids start referring to you as "that guy in front of the monitor." * You're constantly yelling at your wife for using the phone for stupid things...like talking. * You consider selling drugs to pay for your online charges. You know you're really, really hooked on the internet if... * You think more about being online than you do about sex. * You actually do sell drugs to pay for your online charges. * You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just so you can have the free internet access. * At parties, you introduce your spouse as your "service provider." * Your wife melts your keyboard in the oven. * Your husband has his lawyer deliver the divorce papers via e-mail. * Your computer costs more than your car. It may be time to seek professional counseling if... * You find yourself counting emoticons to get to sleep. * You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines. * Someone asks you where you live and you reply with your IP address. * When everybody else uses the greeting "how are you?" and you use the greeting "where would you like to go today?" * Your sig line is "Anonymous."
english.64 jablan,
'Ajd, reko', možda nije bilo: 'To do is to be.' - Descartes 'To be is to do.' - Sartre 'To be do be do.' - Sinatra
english.65 lexus,
Hi!!! U stranim casopisima se moze naci reklama za igru DOMINUS ista izgleda otprilike ovako. DOMINUS You'll never play this game again! Bili su u pravu ;> Pozdrav -Lex->
english.66 ndragan,
/ 'To be do be do.' - Sinatra "yabba-dabba-dooooo" - Flintstone
english.67 nbatocanin,
STATE OF ALABAMA RESIDENCY APPLICATION Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (Check appropriate box) Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (_) Farmer (_) Mechanic (_) Hair Dresser (_) Un-employed Spouse's Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_ Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; please explain: Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_) The National Enquirer (_) The Globe (_) TV Guide (_) Soap Opera Digest (_) Rifle and Shotgun ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know (_)what's a road?
english.68 violator,
:>> "yabba-dabba-dooooo" - Flintstone gabba gabba hey - Joey Ramone ;>>>
english.69 mikis,
Jedan esnafski, sa prigodnom ilustracijom ;) Programmers are lousy lovers. They always try to get the job done (*(* )"/ faster than before. And when they do, they brag that they have \ ( better performance. Programmers are the only men who boast how /' \ small theirs is. / y /
english.70 gerber,
Chase Manhattan Bank An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she would like to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank. Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to think that that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the President's secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman. The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No," she answered. "Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired. "No," she replied. He was quiet for a second, trying to think of where this elderly woman could possibly have come up with 3 million dollars. "I bet," she stated. "As in horses?" he asked. "No," she replied. "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her on her bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be his lucky day -- how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing? At 10 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in the office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was that much money involved. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer!" The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see herself. The bank president thought this was a reasonable request considering the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh, him," she answered. I bet him $100,000 that by 10 o'clock this morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."
english.71 sljubisic,
Jedan na engleskom, sa sve posvetom :) A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."
english.72 sljubisic,
I jos jednog za kojeg se ne moze reci da je bio prosle godine :) Two cows are standing in the countryside (Dutch : wat is weiland in het engels?). Says one cow to the other : Are you not afraid of the mad-cow-disease? Says the other : No, I am a dog.
english.74 mpavlo,
REU0480 3 OVR 111 ( RWS CSA AFA ) SYD63333 BC-AUSTRALIA-ROBBERY Australia burglars raid impotence clinic CANBERRA, June 18 (Reuter) - Burglars who raided an impotence clinic in the Australian city of Melbourne last weekend may have grabbed more than they can handle -- drugs that cause five-day erections, police said on Tuesday. "We are looking for someone who is very embarrassed or very tired," a police spokesman told Reuters. The thieves took dozens of bottles of several different drugs used to treat impotence during a weekend break-in at the clinic in the bayside suburb of Seaford. The drugs, which can cause an erection lasting up to five days, are not fatal. "(But) they can cause extreme discomfort," the police spokesman said. REUTER
english.75 mpavlo,
Wife discovers husband of 17 years is a woman LONDON(Reuter) -- The 17-year marriage of a British couple was annulled after the wife discovered her husband was really a woman, an appellate court was told this week. The wife's lawyer told the court Wednesday the union was based on deception, and because the "husband" used an artificial penis, "the wife always believed he was a man." To protect the couple's children, conceived through artificial = insemination using donor sperm, the identity of the couple was not revealed. The husband took the case to the appellate court after a High Court judge ruled that he was not entitled to automatic access to the children or his portion of the marriage wealth after the marriage ended, because the union was based on perjury. The husband's lawyer defended his client's action, saying he had "an unshakable conviction that at his core he is a man although he is trapped in a woman's body." The couple never discussed "what the nature of this man's birth position was" during their marriage, he added. Despite the deception, Judge Alan Hylton Ward told the court the husband deserved sympathy and understanding and not moral condemnation. Copyright 1996 Reuters Limited. All rights reserved.
english.76 mpavlo,
Czech-head-fine-press Man fined for cutting off corpse's head -- press PRAGUE, July 20(CTK) - An assistant pathologist has been fined 1,000 crowns [ 37] for cutting the head off a female corpse and keeping it in a fridge, the tabloid Blesk reports today. The grisly deed was discovered last year when pathology department staff at a hospital in Olomouc, north Moravia, found blood dripping from a coffin in which the body, according to the death register, had not been operated on. The severed head was then found in one of the department's refrigerators. The body was that of a 53-year-old woman who had died from leukaemia in August last year. The assistant pathologist was unable to explain why he had cut off the corpse's head nor what he intended to do with it. He claims to have been drunk. Dismembering corpses is not a criminal offence in the Czech Republic. The police therefore passed the case on to Olomouc City Hall, which fined him for a disturbance of public order. "It's the highest fine we can give," head of the misdemeanours office at Olomouc City Hall Marie Trubakova tells the paper. The assistant pathologist has been sacked.
english.77 dr.s,
Pricao mi ortak koji je zavrsio srednju u Americi (sto ne znaci da ju je tamo i poceo) foru za strance koji se jedva snalaze sa engleskim i ulete slucajno u crnacku cetvrt... Ide stranac (belac) kroz pomenutu cetvrt i prilazi mu camuga i kaze: -Hej, men, ar ju kam hir tu_daj? - izvin'te ali mora ovako :( -No, aj kam hir jesterdaj! :)))
english.78 vitez.koja,
Why The Internet Is Like a Penis It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before. It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?" Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
english.79 vitez.koja,
Why the Internet Is Like a Vagina The more people use it the bigger it gets. If you play with it too much you can go blind. You wouldn't *believe* the things people put in there! Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really can't interface. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to recieve information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before. It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. You think you're just playing around, but you can get involved in something that takes nine months to finish. The part you see is actually just the front end of a very complicated system. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?" Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many G of those who don't have it spend all their time trying to access it. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration but others believe it should be open to all comers. Both are subject to hardware dongles.
english.80 sale.car,
!?! -No, aj kam hir jesterdaj! :))) Jos da kazes: Why Do Me !?!? (Procitaj naglas...) Cya
english.81 apostol,
Evo jednog prevoda proisteklog iz odmora u Grčkoj: Fag Bag = Pederuša A II O C T O JI
english.82 madamov,
X-POP3-Rcpt: madamov@techno Date: Wed, 21 Aug 1996 13:31:29 -0400 Reply-To: Soccer Boosters List <SOCCER-L@LSV.UKY.EDU> Sender: Soccer Boosters List <SOCCER-L@LSV.UKY.EDU> From: Carlos Motta <t81562@STRESS13.DEHAVILLAND.CA> Subject: Humor. To: Multiple recipients of list SOCCER-L <SOCCER-L@LSV.UKY.EDU> A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following; "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "I'mma just tella my friend howa to spell Mississippi." -- Saudacoes/Cheers, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Carlos Motta e-mail: t81562@stress13.dehavilland.ca ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "A professional is a person who can do his best at a time when he doesn't particularly feel like it" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
english.83 madamov,
> WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY > > I woke up early feeling a little depressed because it was my birthday > and thought, Another year older, but decided to make the best of it. So > I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast, my wife > would greet me with a big kiss and say "Happy Birthday, dear". > > All smiles, I went into breakfast and there sat my wife reading the > newspaper as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself a cup of > coffee and thought to myself, oh well, she just forgot. The kids will be > in in a few minutes all cheery and they will sing Happy Birthday and have > a nice gift for me. > > There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came > running in yelling "Give me a slice of toast!", "I'm late!", and "Where is > my coat?!", "I'm going to miss the bus!!". Feeling more for the office... > > When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a nice > smile and a "Happy Birthday, boss", and said "I'll get you some coffee." > Her remembering made me feel a lot better. > > Later in the morning my secretary knocked on my office door and said > "Since its your birthday, why don't we have lunch together." Thinking it > would make me feel better, I said that was a good idea. > > So we locked up the office and since it was my birthday, I said "Why > don't we drive out of town and have off going to the usual place". So we > drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way place and had a > couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town when > my secretary said "Why don't we go by my place and I'll fix you another > martini." It sounded like a good idea since we didn't have anything to > do in the office anyway. So we went to her apartment and she fixed us > both a martini and after a while she said "If you'll excuse me, I think I > will slip into something more comfortable" and she left the room. > > In six minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big > birthday cake. Following her was my wife and all my kids and there I sat > with nothing on but my socks. >
english.84 ratman,
U prilog kolekciji jezickih gafova (vide supra) iz celog sveta: In an elite country club in Swathri, Bhatwa Pradesh federal state, India: "Newly registered members are kindly asked to pay their membrship fee until the end of June. Old members who fail to renew their membership will be dismembered automatically." Naravno, nije autenticno... :) nego ja izmislio, citajuci oglas na ulazu biblioteke British Councila!
english.85 dr.grba,
YES, BUT IS IT ART? Austrian inventor Karl Machhamer has introduced his latest invention, the "liquid condom". The latex condom is applied wet, with a paintbrush, and must be left to dry for seven minutes before it can be used. Machhamer says people who can't wait can hurry the process with a blow dryer. The rubber is available in black, grey and blue, and with a lemon or rum scent. "Everyone has a right to his personal sculpture," Machhamer said. (Reuter) ...OK, but how do you take it off?
english.86 dr.grba,
HALT IN THE NAME OF THE LAW: Thousand Oaks (Calif.) Sheriff's Sgt. Al Moussa had to think fast. He had discovered a break-in at a high school, and his appearance at the scene flushed out three teen-aged boys, who quickly ran off down the football field. "Here you had these young kids able to really run and an older officer loaded down with all his equipment," said sheriff spokesman Dave Paige. Moussa, 38, used to be on the K-9 squad, and knew that people are afraid of being bitten by police dogs, so he yelled to the kids that he'd sic his dog on him if they didn't stop. They didn't stop. Since he didn't actually have a dog, he just started barking himself. "He has a good bark," Paige said. Upon hearing the "dog" barking, all three boys quickly surrendered. (L.A. Times) ...The cop's bark is worse than his bite, but the judge is another matter.
english.87 vlad,
> personal sculpture," Machhamer said. (Reuter) ...OK, but how do you > take it off? Paaaa, sve sto se digne mora jednom i da se spusti, a onda je lako skinuti 'aljinicu B).
english.88 dr.grba,
UNCONVENTIONAL: A West Virginia delegate at the Democratic National Convention in Chicago found that security was pretty tight: her bra set off the metal detector. Pat White's WonderBra was apparently too much for the sensitive equipment, which caused security guards to search her with a hand-held metal detector. "I loved the security system," she said later. "I went back three times." (AP) ...You can't blame security: she was the only female delegate who didn't burn her bra years ago.
english.89 pifat,
"He was rather drunk. And his trolley wasn't showing the appropriate lights." Stockholm police inspector Jennart Johansson, on the Swede who last week went for a downhill spin in a shopping cart, hit a car and was charged with reckless driving.
english.90 madamov,
The difference between MDs and PhDs ___________________________________ 10 MDs and 10 PhDs are going to a meeting by train. The 10 MDs each have their own ticket, but the 10 PhDs (who have little money, of course) have 1 ticket between them. The MDs ask the PhDs (in a caring manner), "How are you going to manage with only one ticket?" "Just watch." reply the PhDs. They all get on the train and the 10 MDs take their seats and hand their tickets to the conductor. But the PhDs all pile into a bathroom, and when the conductor comes by, a single arm reaches out and gives him the ticket. The MDs, feeling enlightened, decide to try the same thing on the way home, so they purchase just one ticket between ten of them. Ne the PhDs buy no ticket at all. "How are you going to get home?" ask the MDs. "Just watch." the PhDs reply. When they get on the train, all the MDs pile into a bathroom. 9 of PhDs get into another bathroom. The tenth PhD then knocks on the MDs' bathroom door and says "Ticket please." Out comes a single arm to hand over the ticket. The moral of the story: DON'T USE A TECHNIQUE UNLESS YOU THOROUGHLY UNDERSTAND THE PRINCIPLE.
english.91 madamov,
THE CREATION: In the beginning there was the computer. And God said c:\>Let there be light! Enter user id. c:\>God Enter password. c:\>Omniscient Password incorrect. Try again. c:\>Omnipotent Password incorrect. Try again. c:\>Technocrat And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. c:\>Let there be light! Unrecognizable command. Try again. c:\>Create light Done c:\>Run heaven and earth And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2. c:\>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light Unrecognizable command. Try again. c:\>Create firmament Done. c:\>Run firmament And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2. And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. c:\>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and Too many characters in specification string. Try again. c:\>Create dry_land Done. c:\>Run firmament And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. c:\>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night Unspecified type. Try again. c:\>Create sun_moon_stars Done c:\>Run sun_moon_stars And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. c:\>Create fish Done c:\>Create fowl Done c:\>Run fish, fowl And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6. c:\>Create cattle Done c:\>Create creepy_things Done c:\>Now let us make man in our image Unspecified type. Try again. c:\>Create man Done c:\>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth Too many command operands. Try again. c:\>Run multiplication Execution terminated. 6 errors. c:\>Insert breath Done c:\>Run multiplication Execution terminated. 5 errors. c:\>Move man to Garden of Eden File Garden of Eden does not exist. c:\>Create Garden.edn Done c:\>Move man to Garden.edn Done c:\>Run multiplication Execution terminated. 4 errors. c:\>Copy woman from man Done c:\>Run multiplication Execution terminated. 2 errors. c:\>Create desire Done c:\>Run multiplication And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. c:\>Create freewill Done c:\>Run freewill And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. c:\>Undo desire Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. c:\>Destroy freewill Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. c:\>Help Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. c:\>Create tree_of_knowledge And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. c:\>Create good, evil Done c:\>Activate evil And God saw he had created shame. Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors. c:\>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman Search failed. c:\>Delete shame Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated. c:\>Destroy freewill Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. c:\>Stop Unrecognizable command. Try again c:\>Break c:\>Break c:\>Break ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF. c:\>Create new world You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created. c:\>Destroy earth Destroy earth: Please confirm. c:\>Destroy earth confirmed COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW. And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
english.92 dr.grba,
SOME LIKE IT HOT: Austin's annual Hot Sauce Contest attracted more than 10,000 people to the Texas town to line up and taste the entries. One of the newer rules: entrants must eat a spoonful of their own salsa in front of the judges before the judges will try it, learning a lesson from a contest in Albuquerque, N.M., where an entrant submitted a sauce made from pure capsicum extract, the active ingredient in pepper spray carried by police officers. "People are now buying more salsa than ketchup," says Patrick Timpone, a three- time winner who sells his sauce in all 50 states. "People are putting it on eggs, potatoes, whatever they can find. Kids are putting it on macaroni and cheese." (Christian Science Monitor) ...More salsa than ketchup? Maybe there's hope for this country yet!
english.93 slalevic,
Definition Of Politics Son: Dad, I have a special report for school. Can I ask you a question? Dad: Sure son, what's the question? Son: What is politics? Dad: Well son, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me the management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so let's call her the government. We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you the people. We'll call the maid the working class and your baby brother the future. Understand? Son: I'm not really sure dad, I'll have to think about it. That night, the boy is awakened by his baby brother's crying, so he went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had a heavily soiled nappy, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother fast asleep. He than went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard. The boy went back to his room and went to sleep. The next morning... Son: Dad, I think I understand politics. Dad: That's great son, explain it to me in your own words. Son: While the management is screwing the working class, the government is fast asleep, the people are being completely ignored and the future is full of shit.
english.94 dr.grba,
SMALL, MEDIUM OR LIAR? A Rhode Island game manufacturer has delayed distribution of a new CD-ROM computer game in order to remove a scene. "The Music In Me", designed for ages eight and up, has a sequence where the viewer can see a TV set in a living room. The TV shows a commercial for cereal where the announcer says "Hey kids! Don't forget the surprise in the box." A small boy reaches in and pulls out a wrapped condom. "Gee whiz," the lad says, "it's my size!" ReadySoft, which was to distribute the game for the Tune 1000 company of Toronto, said the commercial wasn't noticed in testing because reviewers were looking only for technical problems. "We weren't looking for anything like this," the company's spokeswoman said. "This is a family-oriented... game." (Reuter) ...Family-oriented, family-planning-oriented, what's the difference?
english.95 dr.grba,
PARROTS DOWN UNDER: A New South Wales court has ordered a veterinarian to pay A$12,300 in damages to a bird collector in a malpractice suit. The suit alleged that the vet, while treating a parrot for a broken right leg, ended up also breaking the bird's left leg, leaving him incapable of breeding. Meanwhile, a Western Australian man was sentenced to two years in prison after pleading guilty in a plot to swindle people into believing he was selling them rare Indian ringneck parrots, worth about $5,500 each. What the customers actually got were plain old green parrots, painted reddish brown with hair dye. (AP) ...The scheme was discovered when one of the birds squawked.
english.96 dr.grba,
PYTHONS UP OVER: Glynn Buell of Lincoln, Neb., decided his 12-foot, 50-pound Burmese python was too much to handle when the snake bit him on the wrist, squeezed off the circulation in his arm, and bit him twice more. "If she would have gotten around my neck, I would not be alive right now," Buell said. He escaped with the help of a police officer responding to his cries for help. Local officials are trying to find the snake an appropriate home -- Buell doesn't want it anymore. Meanwhile, in San Diego, Calif., Mary Anne Carter woke up to find the family's nine-foot Burmese python had wrapped itself around her eight-months-pregnant stomach and had a death-grip attachment to her butt. Her husband, Brad, and a neighbor tried in vain to free her. "We used a crowbar to try to get its mouth off her. We had a good 15 minute struggle," Brad said. "It was two grown men and we weren't getting nowhere with it." Paramedics who responded to the scene couldn't get the snake to let go of her rear either, so they cut off its head. All but the snake are fine. After it was over, Brad lamented, "I've been begging her for years to let me get a snake. We finally found one and look what happens." (AP) ...Brad, if you think the snake chewed HER butt, you ain't seen nothin' yet.
english.97 stameni,
WHY GOD DIDN"T GET A PHD. 1. He had only one major publication. 2. It was in Hebrew. 3. It had no references. 4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal. 5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself. 6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then? 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results. 9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects. 10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects. 11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample. 12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book. 13. Some say he had his son teach the class. 14. He expelled his first two students for learning. 15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests. 16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
english.98 stameni,
WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's an nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp you behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?" It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
english.99 dr.grba,
ESCALATION OF CONFLICT: When a rented moving truck was cut off by a woman in traffic in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., Joshua Lucias, 23, a passenger in the truck, took revenge: "I got up, pulled my shorts down and mooned her," Lucias said. That's when the woman, Montrose Herbert, 34, got mad. She said the gesture "upset" her because her three children, aged 5 to 11, were in the car. So she grabbed a gun and shot at Lucias. Later that day, Lucias says, the two saw each other again, resulting in a running battle down Interstate 95, with shots fired, until police broke the melee up. Lucias was charged with lewd and lascivious conduct; Herbert was charged with assault with a deadly weapon and unsafe storage of a weapon -- for leaving a loaded weapon in the presence of a minor. (AP) ...Good thing the cops got there in time, or it would have been "the finger" vs. heavy artillery.
english.100 dr.grba,
GRAB A MIRROR AND FOLLOW ALONG: A popular TV talk show in Sweden, "Lotta", hopes to take the mystery out of gynecological examinations by performing one in front of a studio audience -- and the viewers at home. The show, which has already been taped, will air at 10:00 p.m. "When the little camera that the doctor held in his hand was switched on and people saw the girl's genitals on two big TV screens, it was absolutely silent," a woman from the audience said. Another audience member said "it was distasteful. How far are TV channels prepared to go in the hunt for viewers?" But the station's director of programming, Mats Oerbrink, defended the show. "I'm not so sure it's so controversial," he said. "In my opinion it's maybe a little boring." (AP) ...Well, sure: he sees it every day.
english.101 dr.grba,
SAAB STORY: A 20-year-old man riding down a hill in a shopping cart collided head-on with a car in Mottala, Sweden, at a closing rate estimated by witnesses as 50 kmh (30 mph). He was charged with careless driving. "He was rather drunk, and his trolley wasn't showing the appropriate lights," said police inspector Lennart Johansson, who wasn't sure if the careless driving charge would stick. "He was certainly careless, but I suppose it's debatable whether he was driving." (Reuter) ...The guy thought he was; isn't that good enough?
english.102 dr.grba,
THEY CALL HER FLIPPER: A fully-clothed woman pulled from the ocean three miles off the Florida coast has been detained for psychological evaluation. "She said she couldn't live on land anymore and had adapted to living in the water," a Coast Guard spokesman said. "She didn't want to come in." The woman, who refused to give her name, said she was in the middle of "transitioning" to life in the sea and had "just come up to get some air" when a boater spotted her treading water and called for help. The woman said she'd been in the water for three days, and survived by eating seaweed. (UPI) ...How can evolution proceed when the government won't let it?
english.103 dr.grba,
ANGEL'S FOOD: When John O'Neill of Monona, Wis., tried to order a cake with "a slightly off-color slogan" on it, the bakery refused. "I didn't like being censored by a bakery," he said, so he started his own baking business, The Naughty Baker. That was 15 years ago, and he's learned a few things about people in that time. Women, for instance, have no problem buying cakes shaped as naked females for their husband's parties, but men will almost never order naked men cakes. "It's like -- jeez, are they threatened by a cake?" O'Neill wonders. "We've done cakes that would embarrass a biker," he says, but there is one place where he draws the line. "I don't do flowers. They can go anywhere else and get a cake with flowers on it." (AP) ...No flowered cakes, only deflowered ones.
english.104 dr.grba,
I'M NOT AS THINK AS YOU DRUNK I AM: Police in Troy, Mich., couldn't help but notice the man with a suspended driver's license cruised by on a riding lawnmower. "An officer in the area had made a traffic stop and was writing out a report when he heard this crashing sound and this guy goes riding by him on the sidewalk," said a police spokesman. Since the blades were engaged, "the mower was setting off sparks, so he stopped the guy and then smelled booze." The man said he wasn't drunk and insisted that officers do a Breathalyzer test on him. They complied: it indicated a .22% blood-alcohol level, more than double Michigan's legal limit. Officers impounded the lawnmower, but didn't arrest the man. They instead drove him the rest of the way home, four miles away. In a car. (UPI) ...And people think cops don't have a sense of humor.
english.105 dr.grba,
STRIKE THREE, YOU'RE OUT: Tilmer Everett of Bismarck, N.D., took a taxi to his girlfriend's apartment. The cabbie pointed at the meter: $7.60. Everett asked the driver to wait while he went in for the money. Police pieced the rest of the story together this way: the girlfriend wasn't home, so Everett broke in, but didn't find any cash. So he broke in to Michael Joshua's apartment next door to try there. "Joshua was watching TV when his door came crashing in," police said. Finding someone home, Everett fled back to his girlfriend's apartment. While Joshua phoned the police, Everett, still needing to pay the hack, stole his girlfriend's VCR and handed it to the perplexed cabbie. Police arrested Everett not only for burglary, but for violating a restraining order -- Everett is not allowed in or near the woman's apartment. (AP) ...The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
english.106 dr.grba,
DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT -- OR ELSE: American Express has upset customers in south Florida by mailing out promotional flyers packed in a red mailing tube with a string "fuse" made to look like a huge firecracker. At least two of the 20,000 cardholders who received it called the police, thinking a bomb had been left in their mailbox. "We're sorry that someone would have misinterpreted it," a spokeswoman said. She added that the promotion will be re-mailed -- in an envelope. (AP) ...A thick one. With wires sticking out of it.
english.107 dr.grba,
ENTRAPMENT: A teacher at Southwest Elementary School in Lexington, N.C. saw first-grader Johnathan Prevette, 6, kiss a girl classmate on the cheek. The teacher reported the sighting to the school's principal, who suspended the lad for "sexual harassment". After a public outcry, the charges were reduced to "unwanted touching" and the boy returned to class. Why did he kiss her? She asked him to, he said, adding that she has kissed him in the past. (AP) ...The kid simply has to learn: no means no, yes means no, maybe means no.
english.108 dr.grba,
I DO... NOT! A police detective driving a patrol car past the downtown Auckland, New Zealand, marriage registry office was startled to see a man, chased by two women, run up to his car. "He leapt into the back and said, 'Quick, drive!'," said Detective Senior Sgt. Tony Wakelin. The women were the man's bride-to-be and her mother; when he found out where they were and why, he bolted out the door -- with the two in hot pursuit. The mother wanted the couple to marry when she found her daughter was pregnant. The officer helped him get away from the women, but said he was not interested in taking any further part in the couple's wedding plans. (Reuter) ...The detective may be involved sooner than he thinks -- the guy has two women out to kill him.
english.109 dr.grba,
HIGH FASHION: Police in Brazil captured four Chinese drug smugglers whose luggage contained clothes that had been soaked in cocaine dissolved in water, then dried so the drug was left diffused into the cloth for later extraction. (Reuter) ...I said no starch! DRUG THUG II: A man arriving by bus from New York in Allentown, Pa., walked into a police drug training program in progress at the terminal. Police found 280 bags of heroin in his luggage. Rather than let himself be identified, he chewed off his fingertips before officers could fingerprint him. Officers managed to stop him after the seventh finger, so "we should be able to identify him from what we have," an Allentown police spokesman said. "It certainly is a strong indication that somebody somewhere is looking for him." (AP) ...Either that, or he was making a strong statement regarding the quality of the jail food.
english.110 dr.grba,
LIGHTS OUT: Police in Taipei say they shut down most of sex parlors in the city in a week-long crackdown on illicit sex, and promise to do the same to more than 100 that remain. "We have cut off water and power supplies to a total of 188 sex parlors and forced them to close," said Taipei Police Chief Ting Yuan-ching. (Reuter) ...That would force them to close all right: everyone knows it's impossible to have sex in the dark.
english.111 dr.grba,
ROUND 'EM UP: "About the time y'all hit it, I saw it up in the air with all four legs flying up," said David Connor to Joe and Brenda Smith. The Smiths, driving near Griffin, Ga., in their pickup truck, came around a corner and hit an Angus bull that was standing in the road. The impact sent the 1200-pound bull more than 15 feet in the air, they said. The bull then landed on Connor's car. Only minor injuries were reported -- Connor got cut by his broken windshield, and the bull had a minor limp. (AP) ...They'll get one word from the insurance investigator: Bull!
english.112 junior,
Young fan kills sister in Turkey ISTANBUL, Oct 18 (Reuter) - A young Turkish soccer fan, overcome with joy after Galatasaray's European Cup Winners' Cup victory over Paris St Germain, fatally wounded his older sister on Thursday with a celebratory barrage from a family hunting rifle. Anatolian news agency said Omer Kadan, 11, was being held in police custody after his 13-year-old sister died in hospital of a gunshot wound to the head. It said the boy had started firing in the air shortly after his club upset the French side 4-2 in Istanbul. One of the rounds struck his sister. Soccer-related deaths are not uncommon in Turkey, where people die of heart attacks brought on by the excitement of big derby games and are killed by stray bullets fired by celebrating fans. On Wednesday, a fan fell to his death from his roof while he was trying to adjust the television aerial to improve the reception of a European Cup match between Istanbul's Fenerbahce and England's Manchester United.
english.114 madamov,
Date: Thu, 24 Oct 1996 15:00:00 -0400 From: MacWay@aol.com Subject: How Standards Get Established Message-ID: <961024150000_1448455300@emout03.mail.aol.com> I don't know if this is a true story, but it sure sounds good. And I never let the truth get in the way of evangelism. :-) This story might explain more than just the railroad gauge standard. :-) Guy How Specs Live Forever The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United State standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses. ________________ Do you believe in Macintosh? Please check out <http://www.evangelist.macaddict.com/> and join the EvangeList mailing list by sending an email to <evangelist@macway.com>.
english.116 gerber,
> Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the > European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of > improving efficiency in communications between Government > departments. > > European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is > unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through > and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes > to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be > administered by a committee staff at top level by participating > nations. > > In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' > instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities > would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced > by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this > klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters > kould be made with one less letter. > > There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould > be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written > 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in > print. > > In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be > expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are > possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters > which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. > > We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag > is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and > writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years > sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as > replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken > on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze > unesesary 'o kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar > arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. > > Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli > sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, > difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. > > Ze drems uv ze Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.
english.117 dr.grba,
DRAWN BUTTER: A scuba diver doing some nighttime lobster fishing off the Los Angeles coast ended up trapped himself. John Vincent, 36, was sucked into an intake pipe that brings seawater into a power plant for cooling. "I wasn't sure where it was going to lead," Vincent said. "I looked at my air, I looked at my compass, which said I was heading east into this plant." He was trapped for two hours, but managed to attract the attention of power plant workers by banging his weight belt on a valve and waving his light back and forth. When rescued, Vincent had a lobster in each hand. (AP) ...You only go around once in life, but if you do it right once is enough.
english.118 dr.grba,
HEAVE HOME: Striking ground workers refused to tow a British Airways jet from Rome's terminal, so 15 passengers got out and pushed the plane back far enough so that it could start its engines and take off. The flight to London only lost an hour from its schedule thanks to the tenacious passengers. (Reuter) ...This is your captain speaking: PUSH!
english.119 dr.grba,
BETTER TO GIVE THAN RECEIVE: Sweet Haven Holy Church of God in Isle of Wight County, Virginia, doesn't just take in money from the collection plate, it gives some of it back. At the end of each service, Bishop Nathaniel Johnson hands out slips of play money; any parishioner who gets one with Johnson's initials on it wins real money -- $10-100 -- but only if they arrived on time to the two-hour service. "I know some people won't come to get their souls blessed," Johnson said, but "they'll be there to get their palms blessed." He says that in the three years since he started the practice, church attendance has tripled. (AP) ...The headline: Virginia Preacher Greases Psalms.
english.120 dr.grba,
CREAM AND SUGAR, PLEASE: Surgeons have figured out why so many people get headaches after surgery: prohibiting the intake of liquids for a day before operations deprives the patients of their cola or coffee, and the headache is the result of caffeine withdrawal. "We're not talking just about people who go through two or three pots of coffee a day," says Dr. Joseph Weber of the Mayo Clinic, since about 80 percent of Americans consume at least some caffeine daily. "Even one small caffeinated beverage a day will do it." The cure: give a bit of intravenous caffeine before or just after surgery. (AP) ...Without chemicals, life itself would be impossible.
english.121 dr.grba,
CHEMICAL DEPENDENCY II: After hearing nothing but bad news for years, smokers finally got a bit of good news: a new study suggests nicotine does, in fact, help people concentrate, and it's possible that the drug also may help alleviate some symptoms of Alzheimer's disease. Researchers from the Baylor College of Medicine in Houston, Texas, say they think nicotine, which reaches the brain 10 seconds after a puff from a cigarette, mimics the effects of the neurotransmitter acetylcholine, enhancing synaptic transmission and cognition. (Reuter) ...Thus teachers will need to institute a new procedure before administering final exams: body-searching students for "the patch".
english.122 dr.grba,
TRAFFIC CONTROL: The mayor of Bogota, Colombia, has a new plan to improve downtown traffic safety: he has hired mimes to stop and ridicule jaywalkers. Further, a television and radio campaign will compare bad drivers to various animals, such as hogs for people who ignore "one way" signs, donkeys for those block traffic while they decide which way to turn, and cows for bus drivers who weave in and out of traffic to pick up passengers. (Reuter) ...And dogs for drivers who don't wait until they get to the "rest area".
english.123 dr.grba,
TRICK OR TREAT: Clint Reed doesn't get out much, so he was really enjoying a Halloween party at a large house in Inverness, Miss., where he mingled with as many as 500 costumed guests. He talked about how he was a convicted criminal and showed everyone the high-security monitoring device attached to his ankle. Everyone laughed and had a good time until police officers came in and arrested Reed for parole violation. The monitoring device was real: Reed is required to stay in his home as a condition for parole for passing a bad check. Police tracked the ankle monitor to the party house with the aid of a van equipped to home in on wayward parolees. (AP) ..."Time passes, and little by little everything that we have spoken in falsehood becomes true." --Marcel Proust in "The Fugitive"
english.124 dr.grba,
DUMBBELLS: Four bodybuilders from Massapequa Park, N.Y., couldn't get steroids to help them bulk up, so they decided to make their own using a recipe from the "Underground Steroid Handbook". "They were supposed to let it sit for a while until it reached a certain pH level," a Nassau County police spokesman said. "But they did not wait. At the level they drank it, it was like drinking lye." Police officers responding to the scene found the fumes so strong they had to be treated for chemical inhalation. One of the barbellers is in "very critical condition" and another is in "critical but stable" condition. (AP) ...No pain, no gain.
english.125 dr.grba,
MOSCOW, WE HAVE A PROBLEM: The crew aboard the Russian space station Mir is anxiously awaiting a resupply ship which has been delayed by booster problems. It's not fresh food they're waiting for, it's a sewage dump -- their toilet waste storage tanks are nearly full. The resupply ship has the capability to dump sewage overboard, but Mir does not. "Perhaps the only inconvenience is the presence on the spaceship of an American astronaut, whose lifetime of experience has not prepared him for such experiments," insists the official Russian news agency, Izvestia. (AP) ...Let me get this straight: you're bragging that the Russian cosmonauts do have such experience?
english.126 dr.grba,
HOT WATER: When President Clinton decided to take a swim at Daytona Beach, Fla., three Secret Service agents assigned to protect him had no choice but to follow him in. When they came ashore, the agents' Secret Service badges, wallets, credit cards, jewelry, hotel room keys, sun glasses, watches, and shoes and socks were all missing from the beach. (Reuter) ...As long as they didn't lose the "football".
english.127 dr.grba,
WHEN THE BALL HITS YOUR EYE AFTER KICKED IN THE SKY, THAT'S AMORE: Alessandro Veronese has been suspended for one game. The Italian soccer player, sent off the field for a rules violation, stopped to kiss the referee on both cheeks before he sat down. "We think there are going to be a lot more woman referees around in a few years time," said the sporting judge who handed down the suspension. "What's going to happen if players think they have the right to kiss them or stroke their hair?" (Reuter) ...It sure beats spitting in their faces.
english.128 gerber,
-------------------------------------------------------------------- CYBERWANKING FAQ: 22 WAYS TO LET YOUR DICK DO THE THINKING ON USENET -------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Post a "me too!" message to Usenet. Yes, the first and quickest way to cyberwank is search for huge, long threads like "100 great sites" "join the erotic email exchange" "Cindy Crawford nudes in your mailbox". Post your own short, sweet, simple "me too!" and in no time, the person who months ago posted the original message will quickly locate your "me too!" and begin to fill your mail box with porn meeting your exact stroking needs. That is the beauty and power of the net and all it takes is a single "me too" message to be unleashed. 2. Assume every underage teenage Hollywood starlet has posed topless and every adult actress has made hard-core porn. Further assume posting a request for this material will result in the quick and speedy posting by the wise net.sex.wizards. Actresses known to have fucked on video and retained their careers are Winona Ryder, Cindy Crawford, Alicia Silverstone, & Barbara Streisand. 3. Cross post a message with a subject line like Subject: "Hi ladies, want to take on this stud!!!!!!" to every group in the alt.sex.* and *.personals hierarchies. Women *love* to be called ladies. It shows you're a smooth talking guy and hides the fact that your a fat, horny married man. 4. If Item 3 fails to turn up any women but turns up a few married men offering to suck your cock, start a massive anti-gay flame war. Again women love a man who hides behind a net id to ALL CAPS BASH guys who, statistically, are happier than you, earn more money than you, and dress a lot better than you. 5. Patronize every sleazy CD-ROM seller spamming ads to every group in the alt.* hierarchy. For only $19.95 you not only get exactly what you would get for free from the binary groups, but you encourage more ads to crowd out messages from real people who are posting about the real sex they're having. 6. When you get a feel for how binaries should not be posted to the net, tape your latest call to a recorded phone sex line. Create a .wav file from it, uuencode it, and then randomly distribute the 98 parts of the uuencode to a sampling of alt.sex.* groups. While carefully ignoring most of the binary groups, make sure at least half of the parts hit alt.sex because that group is about sex and your wav is about sex so it must go to alt.sex. 7. Take a jpg of Pamela Anderson and post it to alt.binaries.pictures.girlfriend and claim it's your wife. Other cyberwankers will worship you like a god. 8. Whine that gifs are better than jpegs. Ignore that they are twice as big. Argue that image quality & not disk space is the issue. You're a true aficionado of images of men pissing on women and jpeg compression renders a man's tinkle to white blocky pixels. Don't mention that you don't have a clue how to view jpegs or the patience to watch your boat anchor 386SX decompress a jpeg. 9. Whine that your provider's custom net software truncates messages after 12k so why doesn't everyone change their posting habits so you don't feel as ripped off by your overpriced, underpowered service. Sympathetic email will soon flood in. 10. Tour the sex groups for a while, get really disgusted by your new interest in viewing pictures of men pissing on women and then demand that this material should be censored to protect society. 11a. Jump to any group in the alt.sex.* hierarchy and post a message claiming you're an underage male looking for sex. 11b. Get a job as a law enforcement officer and perform 11a. 12. Jump to any group in the alt.sex.* hierarchy and claim to be a female (underage or not, cheerleader or not) looking for sex. Ignore that your From: line clearly identifies you with a male name. 13. Always operate under the rule of thumb that the more exclamation (!) marks you post in your subject line, the more likely a cute girl is going to read your message or the faster the wise net.sex.wizards are going to post your request for avi's of Winona Ryder's secret lesbian sex video she made with Cindy Crawford. 14. Subject lines like "READ THIS", "PLEASE READ THIS!!!!" and "READ THIS NOW!!!" are sure fire ways of getting your message read by either cute girls, the wise net.sex.wizards, or people willing to buy into your fantastic money making "system". 15. Remember all women on the internet are 18, cute, blonde, bi, large breasted, love anal hard, rough, & fast, and don't care that you're married with kids. 16. Should you find a woman to engage you in an erotic email exchange quickly 1) turn the message stream towards bondage, degradation, & wanting to fuck her like the pig slut she is. (if she quits replying, hammer her with a lot of email. If she ignores it, assume she was a lesbian just trying to piss you off. They do that, you know.) 2) eagerly offer to fly 2000 miles to meet her, promising that you won't at all expect sex. 17. Assume that users with names like Robin, Jodi, Jean, Kim, etc. are women and fit the description of point 15. Send them unsolicited, slobbering email. 18. If someone has posted a picture of his wife or gf to alt.binaries.pictures.girlfriend, and you didn't find her appealing, complain and bitch that the woman is ugly, fat, or has no tits. It makes others want to contribute their own material. 19. If someone has posted a nudie gif to alt.binaries.pictures.erotica and you didn't like it because the women wasn't attractive enough, too small breasted, or reminded you of a woman who left you, bitch on the group really loud. It makes other want to contribute their own material. 20. If you blow an upload, try again. If you blow it a second time. Try it a third time. If you blow it a third time try it a fourth time. Just keep broadcasting hundreds of K of junk material until someone emails you and explains in the clearest, simplest of terms what exactly you're doing wrong. 21. If you don't understand how to turn binaries into wanking material, assume your local support rep doesn't know anything about decoding binaries either and post a "help on decoding binaries" message to a dozen groups. 22. While your big, flashy provider ("we advertise on the Learning Channel and include demo disks in magazines") has a heavily censored message base, Usenet is not. So that means act like there are no rules whatsoever and do whatever where ever when ever. Usenet is your oyster, run there with dick in hand, and gobble it up and don't leave anything for anyone else. Go for it, tiger. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
english.129 dr.grba,
OUT OF THEIR GOURD: Brain surgeons training in Cleveland don't get to start right away on the real thing. They start with squash. "The pumpkins simulate the skull and the brain as physicians bore a tiny hole in the outside pumpkin shell and insert a thin scope into simulated brain tissue," explains Dr. Alan Cohen of University Hospitals of Cleveland. The surgeons practice removing seeds from the pumpkins and, once adept, graduate to cadaver heads and then real patients. (Reuter) ...Spit those seeds out, doctor. That's a mighty bad habit to get into.
english.130 dr.grba,
REVENGE OF THE PLASTIC PEOPLE: Calling the "Barbie" and her boyfriend "Ken" dolls a threat to traditional culture, the director of the Amusement Department at the Iranian-government-sponsored Institute for the Intellectual Development of Children and Young Adults has announced "Sara" and her brother "Dara" dolls. The dolls will hit the market next year after more than two years of development. "Barbie is an American woman who never wants to get pregnant and have babies. She never wants to look old and this contradicts our culture," said Amusement Director Majid Ghaderi, who designed the Islamic dolls. Despite an import ban, Barbie dolls can easily be found in Tehran stores, selling for as much as $700 -- seven times the average monthly salary in Iran. (AP) ...No wonder the dolls are taking so long to get to market: they have to figure out how to make them have babies, grow old, and die.
english.131 dr.grba,
ROCK-A-BYE BABY: Robert Salazar says he was having sex with one of his employees on a balcony of a hotel in Industry, Calif., when she changed her position, lost her balance, and fell eight stories to her death. The employee, Sandra Orellana, a worker's compensation insurance specialist, was reportedly not getting along with her boss, and was considering filing sexual harassment charges against him, her family says. Police, suspicious of Salazar's story -- and noting he went to bed after the fall instead of calling for help -- arrested him for murder, but he was released later for lack of evidence. Salazar has returned to Houston to his wife and children, while police have been throwing a dummy off the balcony to help prove -- or disprove -- his story. (UPI) ...Meanwhile, only the victim was qualified to rule whether this would be covered under the company's worker's compensation policy.
english.132 dr.grba,
FICKLE FINGER OF FATE: Police in National City, Calif., say Victor Arreola stopped a van and tried to carjack it. That's when the driver, still sitting in his seat and fearing for his wife and three children inside, slammed the door so hard that it severed Arreola's middle finger. Officers caught up with him at a local hospital, where they asked him to identify the detached digit. "Yeah, that's my finger," Arreola said. An officer replied, "You're under arrest for carjacking." Arreola thought about that for a minute, and said, "That's not my finger." Meanwhile, a Japanese man has confessed that he staged his own kidnaping. Toru Adojima, 39, who was being investigated in a fraud case, disappeared two months ago. His wife received a ransom note -- and Adojima's little finger. Police found him in a Tokyo hotel after learning he had gone to a hospital for pain medication -- he could no longer take the ache in his hand from the amputation. Police said Adojima admitted cutting off his own finger and sending it as "proof" of his kidnap, adding he got the idea from a movie. (Reuter, UPI) ...Good thing he wasn't watching The Addams Family.
english.133 dr.grba,
FORBIDDEN FRUIT: To recreate the moment when a falling apple gave Isaac Newton the idea of gravity and, subsequently, his three laws of motion, the U.S. National Institute of Standards and Technology and Japan's Construction Ministry's Public Works Research Institute had to work well in advance. Starting with a plan in 1992, the team was able to procure a sapling from the Newton tree, which was brought to the Arai, Niigata Prefecture in Summer, 1995. As it finally bore its first apple, a video camera was set up to catch it falling to the ground. However, the video didn't capture the recreated moment of epiphany -- instead, it shows a man walking by the tree, spotting the apple, picking it, and eating it. (UPI) ...At which point, one of the scientists asked the man to put the apple on his head for a recreation of the William Tell story.
english.134 dr.grba,
LIFE AFTER DEATH: Two hours into his funeral service, Talayi George Sogcwe sat up in his coffin. A miraculous recovery? No: he and his wife faked his death as a test. "I simply wanted to know what people would say about me when I am dead," he said later. The 65-year-old Zwide, South Africa, man is happy about the outcome. "I am satisfied they spoke the truth about me and not lies, as is often the case when a person is dead." Sogcwe said he would keep the coffin for his real funeral. (Reuter) ...Which may be held sooner than he thinks.
english.135 dr.grba,
TWO THUMBS DOWN: Seven hundred Chinese college students in Hefei, Anhui province, who paid to see a "sex education film for newlyweds" destroyed the theater where it was shown because the film's "wedding night footage" was not as "stimulating" as advertised. Meanwhile, the first official university-level course in sex education in China is being offered to 100 students at the Beijing Capital Normal University. Surveys have shown that many Chinese youths are sexually active, but a significant percentage of them do not even understand that it can lead to pregnancy. (Reuter, AP) ...Sex: a) is a fun pastime to share with a friend, b) is a nasty habit condemned by the state, c) somehow creates more people nearly a year afterward, d) none of the above.
english.136 dr.grba,
OFFSIDES: A female soccer referee in England is in hot water for showering after games -- because of the lack of women's facilities, she showers with the male players. "We are aware that changing facilities are far from ideal, and that goes for the players too," admits Football Association spokesman Colin Squirrel. "I fear the [Football Association] will try and shut me out and restrict me to refereeing games only where are separate facilities," said Janet Fewings, 41. "I hope the players will back me." (Reuter) ...Sure they will. With a washrag and soap, even.
english.137 dr.grba,
WEAPONS 'R' US: A 60-year-old man in Kosianka Trojanowka, Poland, was very afraid of burglars. Police say he was killed by a booby trap he installed in his garage as a security device. A demolition squad dispatched to the house found eight other hidden, deadly traps. "The police explosives experts said later they felt as if they were crossing a minefield," a police spokesman said. Meanwhile, U.N. police in Sarajevo say that a Serb couple having an argument got a bit carried away. When the woman ran out of the house to a neighbor's, "the husband followed her with a bazooka," a U.N. spokesman reports. "He then tried to fire the bazooka at his wife, missed, and hit his house, causing damage." The man was arrested by Serbian police on charges of disturbing the peace and possession of an illegal firearm. (Reuter, 2) ...At least now he can honestly say he misses her.
english.138 nenad,
q: Why do they boil water when a baby's being born? a: So that if it's born dead, they can make soup.
english.139 nenad,
q: How do you fit a thousand dead babies in a phone booth? a: Use a blender. q: How do you get them out? a: With a straw.
english.140 dr.grba,
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT: Marcelo Adrian Mendoza, 33, serving an eight-year sentence in an Argentine prison for an undisclosed crime, was in court to answer some new charges. He apparently got too close to his court file: he was able to tear out several pages of evidence against him and eat them as shocked guards watched. He was given a one-year sentence for obstructing evidence. (Reuter) ...Anything that comes out of your mouth can be used against you.
english.141 dr.grba,
COMMUNITY SERVICE: While Philadelphia city officials were showing a businessman around a depressed neighborhood, brainstorming on ways to help the community, a man holding a Bible came up to speak to them. He first asked if the well-dressed men were policemen. No, they said. So the man opened his Bible, revealing a hidden compartment from which he pulled a gun. "In that case, give me your wallets," he demanded at gunpoint before escaping with cash and credit cards. The businessman, David Hirsch, was anything but philosophical. "Here we were, trying to do something to help the community, and this guy comes up and robs us," he complained. (AP) ..."God helps those who help themselves." --Poor Richard's Almanack
english.142 dr.grba,
KEEP THE TIP: When Steven Jeffrey Raines, 37, walked into a restaurant in West Palm Beach, Fla., and ordered a drink, the bartender thought nothing of it. It was when Raines asked the bartender if he would mind if he counted his money there. "I said, `No, go ahead'," remembers bartender Chip Welfeld. When Raines dumped a wad of bills -- $10,000 worth -- on the bar, the suspicious Welfeld called police. Police confirmed the bartender's suspicions: they say that Raines stopped by for a drink after robbing two banks in Palm Beach. (AP) ...Nature abhors a vacuum.
english.143 dr.grba,
IT IS THE BREAST OF TIMES, IT IS THE WORST OF TIMES: Anya Pencheva, a leading actress with the National Theatre of Bulgaria, says it's time for people to stop worrying about the economic crisis there. Therefore, she is going to put a plaster cast of her breasts on display in her theater in Sofia. "I was fed up with constant comments on the currency board so I said one day let's talk busts instead of boards," she said. "It is a pity to focus everything on the board when there are such beautiful breasts around." (Reuter) ...That's what I always say.
english.144 nenad,
q: What's the perfect gift for a dead baby? a: A dead puppy.
english.145 dr.grba,
WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL IT DOPE? When Harlan Collinsworth's Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, house was burglarized, he did what most people do: he called the police. Officer S.W. Childers arrived to take the report, and asked Collinsworth what had been stolen. In addition to a VCR, Collinsworth reported that his stash of marijuana and his bong were taken. While showing Childers the container where those goodies were taken from, he told the officer that "the suspect had failed to take his marijuana pipe," Childers said. "When I asked where it was, Harlan pulled it from the container." Childers cited Collinsworth for possession of drug paraphernalia. (AP) ...Childers could have had a better bust than that. Class 3 stupidity is a felony in Idaho.
english.146 dr.grba,
SORRY, WRONG NUMBER: Ana MarDia MartDinez of Cali, Colombia, says she is going to have to sell her house to help settle a 12-million-peso phone bill her son, Juan Carlos, ran up. The boy, 12, amassed the charges by calling phone sex numbers in Israel, Lebanon and Spain. "I don't know what I'm going to do. I am selling our house but even that isn't worth 12 million pesos," MartDinez said. Meanwhile, a survey published in the Colombian magazine Mujer has found that 40 percent of married women and nearly 70 percent of single women in the country fake orgasms during sex. "These figures show Colombian women have a serious problem," a psychoanalyst wrote in an accompanying article. "They show sexual dissatisfaction as well as significant inhibitions and mental barriers." (Reuter, 2) ...Well of course they're dissatisfied. Look how their men learn about sex.
english.147 dr.grba,
JUST IN TIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS: Rowena Starling was sick of nagging her children."Finally, it just hit me like a ton of bricks," she said. "Why don't I record this?" Now, the Berkeley, Calif., woman is selling CDs of her nagging, titled "I'll Say It Again", for $11.95 a copy. A sample: "Stop that noise! Stop that noise! Stop that noise! Stop that noise! Stop that noise!" Other cuts include "Clean Your Room!", "Take Out the Trash!" and "Mow the Lawn!" (AP) ...I'll bet they obey "Turn Off the CD Player!" the quickest.
english.148 dr.grba,
BOYS IN BLUE STRIPES: Kevin Carter, 21, and Michael Harrison, 26, have been charged with second-degree murder, attempted murder and armed robbery after an incident in a Boynton Beach, Fla., jewelry store went bad. The men allegedly staged the robbery because they needed $2,500 so they could pay the tuition at the Palm Beach Community College police academy. "He actually said, `I guess I can't become a police officer now'," Detective Ray Schilke said after interviewing Carter. Schilke thought Carter was kidding, but Carter's mother confirmed the story, noting her son has wanted to be a policeman since he was a teen. "That's all he talked about," she said. (AP) ...Actions speak louder than words.
english.149 dragoljub,
DESCRIBE THE TOWN YOU LIVE IN My town is very beatiful. His name is New Belgrad. In New Belgrad is Bežanija. In Bežanija I live. In New Belgrad is Sava Centar. New Belgrad is in Belgrad. Belgrad is kapital town of Yugoslawia. In Belgrad live 1014568 man. In Belgrad is very much Kino. Near Belgrad is Avala. Belgrad have two beautiful river: Donau and Sava. In Belgrad is Kalemegdan and in his is Victorys. In Belgrad have very much Museum: "25 May"... Belgrad have beautiful street: Knez Mihajlovu, Maršala Tita... Man in Belgrad is very good, every days hilfe seconds man. Belgrad is very cleaner. My big love is Belgrad, he is my home my swet home in his is my life because I never not go for Belgrad. Belgrad is very, very (u ovom trenutku je zvonilo) (Rad moga druga, na zadatu temu, na času engleskog, u osmom razredu osnovne škole. Čik prevedite. Potebno je i znanje nemačkog ;)
english.150 nenad,
> Man in Belgrad is very good, every days hilfe seconds man. Ovo ide u antologoju. :) Kako beše onaj natpis na hotelu u Grčkoj: "Here speak English very good"? :)) ps. Šta je dobio na pismenom? ;)
english.151 dragoljub,
> ps. Šta je dobio na pismenom? ;) Minus četiri ;) Ceo sastav je podvučen crvenom olovkom, osim ponekog _and_ i _in_ ;)
english.152 n.ceh,
Dr> My town is very beatiful. His name is New Belgrad. In New Dr> Belgrad is Bezanija. In Bezanija I live. In New Belgrad is Sava Centar. ... Dr> is my home my swet home in his is my life because I never not go for Dr> Belgrad. Belgrad is very, very (u ovom trenutku je zvonilo) A koji je to razred, ako smem da pitam? Meni deluje kao 3-4 osnovne skole? Ako je neki kasniji, ovo bi stvarno bila bruka... Ceh.
english.153 ruzicic,
Uzmi ubi pa se pistolj!! CICA BAZZA
english.154 jvujnic,
An elephant to a naked man: " How can you breathe through that thing?"
english.155 pifat,
U poslednje vreme se na Mreži viđaju kojekakve virusne "patke", obično veoma dramatično intonirane. Evo jedne, koja može zaista da nasmeje, ali ne sumnjam da bi se našlo i dosta "pacijenata" koji bi smesta poslušali "savet" :))) There is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internet. If you receive an e-mail message with the subject line "Free Money," DO NOT read the message. DELETE it immediately, UNPLUG your computer, then BURN IT to ASHES in a government-approved toxic waste disposal INCINERATOR. Once a computer is infected, it will be TOO LATE. Your computer will begin to emit a vile ODOR. Then it will secrete a foul, milky DISCHARGE. Verily, it shall SCREECH with the tortured, monitor-shattering SCREAM of 1,000 hell-scorched souls, drawing unwanted attention to your cubicle from co-workers and supervisors alike. After violently ripping itself from the wall, your computer will punch through your office window as it STREAKS into the night, HOWLING like a BANSHEE. Once free, it will spend the rest of its days TORTURING household PETS and MOCKING the POPE. Some filthy, disgusting miscreant ... some no-good, low-down, good-for-nothing DIRTY SNAKE, in twisted pursuit of her own sadistic dreams, is sending this virus across the Net via an e- mail entitled "Free Money." What is so terrifying about this virus is that you do not even to have to open the e-mail for it to activate. In fact, you do not even need to RECEIVE the e- mail. You do not even need to OWN a COMPUTER. "Free Money" can infect even minor HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES. How it does this with straight ASCII code is, frankly, a matter of some debate ... but BELIEVE YOU US, if this weren't a SERIOUS situation, we wouldn't be discussing it in ALL CAPS. So for the LOVE OF GOD, forward this e-mail to all those you claim to care about, all those you purport to love. Don't do it later! Do it NOW! Now! Now! NOW! NOW! NOW!
english.156 obren,
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins. The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today." The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
english.157 obren,
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate.". The Biologist concludes: "They have reproduced". The Mathematician says: "Now if another person enters the house, it'll be empty again."
english.158 madamov,
One year, at Duke, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find the Professor after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UV for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) Which tire?
english.159 nenad,
SAVE OUR SCREENS! Your crusty friend just got the news from one of his field reporters confirming what he's thought all along: Many of Microsoft's Senior Systems Engineers can't walk and chew gum at the same time. Here's the scene. Crusty's reporter was presenting at a conference in Washington, DC, along with Netscape and Microsoft. His presentation went well, he was selling the intranet concept to the feds and they were eating it up. He was followed by Microsoft. That's when the trouble started: "While the Senior Systems Engineer from Microsoft was giving his presentation, all of a sudden the overhead screen goes blank. Total blackout. Now, the overhead system is really cool -- some high-powered projector at the top of this room that's an amphitheater beaming down to a huge screen. The room holds about 200 people. "The Microsoft guy, trying to recover from this snafu, continues doing his presentation without any slides showing -- he's just going off the top of his head while all these technicians start running around all over the place trying to find out what the hell is wrong with the system. No one can fix the problem. [They] can't find the 'bug.' [After] about five minutes of this running around, scratching [their] heads, etc. this dorky, pre-pubescent looking kid wearing headphones walks into the amphitheater and lumbers over to the PC and keyboard. The Microsoft Senior Systems Engineer (the head guy who's putting on the conference) and a couple of other folks are just standing there staring at the hardware in front of them dumbfounded. "[Then] the dorky kid takes one look at the setup, touches a key on the keyboard, and, voila, de-activates the screen saver! The place was on the floor!" Crusty notes that Microsoft seems to be hiring a lot of folks in the Senior Systems Engineer category these days. One hopes that knowledge of the trickeries of screen savers are on the requirements list. Along with walking and chewing gum.
english.161 miskop,
Description: A Letter Home $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad
english.164 miskop,
*File Description: I am the Very Model of a Modern Teenage Cyberpunk* I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk I rent my own apartment and it's full of electronic junk I own a VAX, a 486, I've even got a PDP I've finished Myst and Doom but I am stumped by Wing Commander III I'm very well aquainted too with matters pornographical I have a list of image sites, both overseas and national So if you want to see a picture of that Anna Nichole Smith I'll fire up my terminal and fetch for you a naughty GIF I'm totally an anarchist, the government I'd like to wreck, Though if they were to get blown up, who'd give to me my welfare cheque? In short if you need answers that concern your electronic junk, I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk I know the ancient myths about RTM, Pengo and Mitnick I 'hack' into computers and I then perform a credit check I scare all my non-hacker friends with tales of cracker theivery and even though I'm spouting crap they'll listen and believe in me I've learned to spot a troll and I've seen flames about the way I spell, I've traced badly forged cancels and seen napalm poured on AOL I've laughed at all the newbies and their flailing cries of "You all Suck!" I've been flamed by Carasso, with an anvil I have then been struck I've hung around in alt.tasteless and seen war waged on rec.pets.cats I've spent my time in talk.bizarre and used those stupid Relay Chats In short, if you need answers that concern your electronic junk, I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk Well postings like "MAKE.MONEY.FAST", I am now somewhat wary at, I have been "Global Killfiled" by the Joel Furr Commissariat, When rosebud posts a lengthy rant 'bout Microsoft she swears is true, I know that she is just another short lived kook without a clue When I have learnt what progress has been made upon the Internet, When I know something more than just a smattering of netiquette, In short when I can have a world-wide soapbox on which I can stand I've got no time for other things, like beer and trips to Disneyland My life outside the Internet is very very sad you see I cannot get my spots to fade, my social life's a tragedy, But still if you need answers that concern your electronic junk, I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk.
english.165 miskop,
HOW TO HANDLE STRESS 1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out. 2. Use your MasterCard to pay your VISA bill. 3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. 4. When someone says, "Have a nice day!", tell them you have other plans. 5. During your next meeting, sneeze and then loudly suck the plegm back down your throat. 6. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like. 7. Make a list of things you have already done. 8. Dance naked in front of pets. 9. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to pre-school as if nothing was wrong. 10. Thumb through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives. 11. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in them. Return them the next day. 12. Drive to work in reverse. 13. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages. 14. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you. 15. Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room. 16. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.
english.166 miskop,
Once upon a time, I had a nice girl. Once upon a girl, I had a nice time.
english.167 nenad,
Cartoon Laws of Physics Cartoon Law I Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over. Cartoon Law II Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease. Cartoon Law III Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction. Cartoon Law IV The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful. Cartoon Law V All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight. Cartoon Law VI As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. Cartoon Law VII Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science. Cartoon Law VIII Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container. Cartoon Law IX Everything falls faster than an anvil. Cartoon Law X For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead. Cartoon Law Amendment A A sharp object will always propel a character upward. When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity. Cartoon Law Amendment B The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters. Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking. Cartoon Law Amendment C Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky. Cartoon Law Amendment D Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths. Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to strech. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground. Cartoon Law Amendment E Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold). The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.
english.168 nenad,
A evo i originala... :) High Tech on the Green Four international businessmen are on the golf course, and there is a ringing sound. The Canadian guy goes to his golf bag, pulls out his cellular phone and talks for a minute with his office. "Very important to be in touch these days," he says. "Yes," his golfing partners agree. A little bit later, a different ring is heard, and the American golfer holds his hand up to his head (as if to imitate talking on the phone) and starts talking in what is clearly a real conversation. After the call he explains to his friends, "It's the very latest in cellular technology--a speaker is attached to my thumb, and a microphone to my pinky. You can't even tell I have it on." A couple of holes later, a different, muted, ringing sound is heard, and the German businessman in the foursome stands erect and begins talking, again an obviously real conversation. When finished he explains, "This really is the latest in cellular technology. A speaker is implanted in my ear, and a microphone in the backside of a front tooth. I just stand at attention to talk." Suitably impressed, the foursome continues their game. Suddenly, the Japanese golfer excuses himself and ducks behind a bush. After he doesn't re-appear for several minutes, the American golfer goes to make sure he is okay. He finds him behind the bushes squatting down with his pants around his ankles. "Is everything okay?" asks the American. "Yes," replies the Japanese golfer, "If you could just give me a minute here, I'm expecting a fax..."
english.169 nenad,
Kad bi ljudi kupovali automobile kao što kupuju kompjutere... :) What if people bought cars like they buy computers? General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers - but imagine if they did... HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!" HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?" CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?" HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine." CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?" HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!" HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?" CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?" HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?" CUSTOMER: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'." HELPLINE: "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'. CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'. HELPLINE: "A 'V'?!?" CUSTOMER: "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..." HELPLINE: "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about." CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round thing that honks the horn?" HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things." CUSTOMER: "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?" HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you." CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!" HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!" HELPLINE: "What's wrong?" CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!" HELPLINE: "What were you doing?" CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't even start up!" HELPLINE: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product." CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did --now the damn thing's crashed." HELPLINE: "Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?" CUSTOMER: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!" HELPLINE: "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?" CUSTOMER: "Huh! How do you do THAT?" HELPLINE: "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator." CUSTOMER: "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know." HELPLINE: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?" CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!" HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission,cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks." HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?" HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?" CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?" HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?" CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"
english.170 nenad,
Najkompletnija verzija koju sam video. :) Girlfriend 4.0 Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. It has taken all his space, Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before). Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta was unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0: Shutdown feature A "don't remind me again" button. Minimize button. Ability to delete the "headache" file An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss loss of other system resources. An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective. An install shield feature so that Wife 2.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects) I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2. Another thing that sucked in all versions of GirlFriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supported hardware with gold plated contacts. That feature is still here. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for GirlFriend 4.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0! All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and _never_ run any file transfer applications(such as Laplink) between the two systems. FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!
english.171 boccio,
Vicevi o crncima skinuti sa White Power! sajta ;>>>>> jokes.txt
english.172 chadra,
Your Momma snaps Your mamma is so fat when she steped on the scale it said her phone number Yo mama so fat, she needs a travel agent to find her asshole Yo Momma's so fat when she went bungee jumping she went straight to hell. Yo momma's so ugly, her parents fed her by mail. Yo' mama's so fat 2pac spent most of his life tryin' to get around her. Mamas like a harware store....10 cent screws. Your mama is so black she sweats coffee Yo mamma so rough, she gargle wit peanut butter Your mother's so rough, she can eat iron and shit BMWs. Yo momma so poor she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other peoples fingers! Your mother is llike a bubble-gum machine--five cents a blow. Your mother is like a hair dryer--turn her on and she blows. I could have been your father, but the line was too long. Your girl is so loose, she has two-for-one dollar days. Yo Mamaz so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone. I'm jealous cuz your mom gots a bigger dick than I do. Yo mama's so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale. Yo' Mamma is so stupid that she got stabbed in a shootout! Yo mamma so fat her clit has a knee. Your mamma's so poor ...she can't even PAY attention. Man yo' momma so stupit the last time she used a vibrator her two front teeth broke. You so stupid you threw a baseball at batman. Yer moms so stank the bitch used secret and it told on her. Yer mom so stank she used right gaurd and it went left. Yer moms so stank she used sure and it said "I don't know". Yer moms house so dirty, I saw the roaches using matchbox u-hauls to move out. Yer moms house so dirty, I went there and saw 5 roaches on the coffe table forming VOLTRON. The only difference between yer mom and a 747 is that not everybody has been on a 747. Yer moms so old, I told the bitch to act her age and she dropped dead Yo mamma so fat when she tries to roll out of bed in the morning she rocks herself back to sleep Yo mama so bald when she wears a turtle-neck she looks like a busted condom! Your momma so poor she eats cereal with a fork to save milk Yo sister's so skinny she makes kate moss look like Rosanne Barr Your mama is so old she farts dust. Your mama is so fat her blood type is ragu. Your mama is like a pirates treasure Mamas soooo ugly she walked into a haunted house and came out with a pay check. Mama is like a roll of toilet paper.... Roll er out User and throw er out. Mamas sooo hairy she has fros on er nipples You iz so stupid dat when the movie said "no one under 17 allowed" you went home and got 16 of your friends. You iz so dumb dat you got fired from the M&M factory for throwing out the W's Your mama's so fat that when she took a bath she left a ring around the world Your mamma is so ugly she go in a haunted house and come out wit a job application Yo mamma so stupid, she thought MCI was a rapper. Yo momma is so hairy, she got cornrolls on her back Yo momma is so horny she can fuck the crack of dawn. Your momma so fat, that when she puts on her B.V.D.'s it spells out BOULEVARD. Yo momma is so fat when she got in the car it became a low rider Yo momma's so old she knew Mr. Clean when he had an afro! Your mother is so horny, her vibrator comes with dual airbags. Your mother is so hunchbacked, she has to wear goggles to take a piss. Your mother is so stank, when she holds her farts it makes her breath smell like shit. Your mother is so hairy, she shaves with a weedwacker. Your ass is so big, you get shit stains on your coller. Your mothers ass is so big, she rents it out as a bus stop. Your girl is like a twinkie--always pumped full of cream. Your mother is like an elephant in bed, 'cuse i fuck her for peanuts. Your mothers lips are so big, she can kiss her own ass. Yo Mamaz teeth are so yellow when she smiles traffic stops. Yo Mamaz breath is so stank people look foward to her farts. Yo Mamaz so fat da bitch stepped on da scale and it said to be continued. Yo teeth are so big it look like yo mama had a affair wit Mr.Ed Yo mama is so fat, when she cross the street, she got a ticket for obstructing traffic Your mama's so old the bitch smells like two-hundred year old wolf pussy. Your mama's so fat the bitch got shot and bled chocolate milk. Your mama's got wooden tit's and breast feeds beavers. Your so ugly when you jerk off your hands try to go to sleep. Your mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a damn pack of hotdogs. Your mama's so old the bitch owes jesus food stamps. Your breath smells so bad the ice cream man gave her a listerine popsicle You so poor I went to your house and asked "where's the bathroom" yo mom said "upstairs second bucket to the right". You so poor I went to yo house and lit a ciggarette and yo moms chanted "clap yo' hands stomp yo feet praise the lord we got heat". Yo momma so stank she uses black flag as deodarant. Yo moms just like the police she rolls up and parks anywhere Ya, Ya ma, Ya mama so dumb . . . . She delivered one kid and called it singlets! Yo mamma so fat chap stick had to invent a spray. Yo moms is so good at swallowing she made the phrase 'Melts in your mouth, not in your hands' Yo mama's like a goalie she changes pads every three periods. Yo mama's so fat her drivers license picture says continued on other side. Yo mama's like a race car she goes through 30 rubbers a day Yo peeps are so po, they be make'n the roaches up in da crib pay rent. Yo momma's so fat, she sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out! Yo momma is so UGLY her Rice Krispies won't even talk to her. Yo momma so fat, when she play hopscotch, it goes like dis... New York, LA, Chicago, Miami Yo mom's is so nasty, she has to put ice in her panties to keep the crabs fresh! Yo' mom's is so dumb she thought "cumshot" was a bullet! Yo momma sucks dick so good, I had to pull the sheets out my ass. Yo momma's every carpenters dream.........Flat as a board and easy to nail. Yo momma's teeth so ugly, When she smiles, I don't know whether to smile back or kick a feild goal. Yo momma's so stupid, she got locked in a convertible and couldn't get out Ya mama's so dumb, she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phon company Yo momma is so fat, she has to get out of the car to shift gears Your Mom's so fat she was standing on a street corner and a cop walked over to her and said "Alright, alright, everybody break it up." Yo mama breath so bad that she goes to the dentist and gets her teeth cleened and her breath pulled Your mom is so fat that whens she wears a Malcolm X shirt, helicopters think SHE'S the landing pad! Your momma's so fat and ugly when she goes bungee jumping they think it's God walking his dog! Your momma's so fat that when trying on clothes, only thing that fits her is the dressing room! Your momma's teeth are so yellow, when she smile at street signs all the cars slow down! You better shut up before I change the combination on my zipper and make you starve to death. When yo mamma sits around the house she sit's AROUND tha house Yo moma glasses so thick she see into the future. Yo moma so fat, we in her right now! Yo moma got a green afro and she thinks she's a tree I coulda been yo momma, bu tha person infront of me had exact change Yo mamma so fat , when she takes her panties off, there's still pussy in it Your mamma's sucks so much dick ... she can sell her spit to a sperm bank. Your mamma's so horney ... she goes to church just to hear the organ. Your mamma's teeth are so yellow ... I just can't believe it's not butter. Your mamma's so fat ... when I got on top of her my ears popped Yo' mama so old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper Yo momma so fat, dat when she goes to the beach all da kids be yellin' "FREE WILLY!!" Yo mama so black when she puts vaseline on her skin the bitch look like patent leather. Yo mama so stupid she had a tampon on her ear talkin bout she can't find her pencil Yo mommaz so fat its easier to go over the bitch than around Yo mamma so fat, she got more chins than a Hong Kong phonebook! Yo' mama got no legs talkin' bout' her favorite is stand up comedy Yo mammy glasses are so thick, when she looks into a map she sees people waving at her Yo momma so fat the bitch would of been on E.T. but when she rode the bike across the moon she caused an eclipse Yo mama's so loose when she sits on a bar stool she falls on da floor Yo mommaz got no legs, she's talkin about "let's kick it". Yo daddy so old dat he got to stick his dick in da freezer to make his dick hard Yo moma stink so bad she smells like potpouri piss Yo mom's so short she does backflips under the bed Yo momz don't have any legs and her underarms are always kicking Yo momma so ugly, my lunn fell off. Your momma is so dam dirty that shes the one that started the disease aids Your mama's such a slut she calls her husband "Daddy!" Yo momma's so big she flosses her teeth with a rope. Yo momma's so stupid she failed homeroom. Yo momma's so old Lincoln emancipated her. Yo momma's so slow she gets outrun by snails. Yo momma's so dark she can't tell whether her eyes are open or closed. Yo momma's so fat she paints her toenails with icing. Yo momma's so fat she wears convertibles for roller-skating. Yo momma's so old her breath killed off the dinosaurs. Yo momma's so stupid she made a deposit at a sperm bank. Yo momma's so bad she makes Hitler look like the Pope. Yo momma's so crazy she makes Michael Jackson look normal Yo mamma eats so much food her lunchbox has wheels on it Yo' mama so fat when she got on a bus it turned in to a LOW-RIDER! Yo' mama's so fat when she went to Sea World they wouldn't let her in cuz they were afraid she'd all the fishes and SHAMU! Yo mama so stupid, she thought an AK47 was a math problem Yo momma has a glass eye with a fish in it Yo momma so fat she uses two greyhounds for rollerblades! Ya momma so fat, she gets skin wedgies. Ya momma so fat, she don't buy one advent calendar and eat the twenty-five chocolates, she buys twenty-five advent calendars and eats the boxes. Ya momma so stupid, she thought a law suit was something to wear to court. Ya momma so fat, she don't eat subway sandwiches, she eat the subway! Ya momma so fat, she got Shamu and Orca wantin' to take pictures with her Yo mamaz so fat her belt size is equater. Yo mamaz so fat after sex I rolled over 3 timez and I was still on tha bitch. Yo mamaz so nasty she has to creep up on the bath water. Yo mamaz so skinny she has 2 run around in tha shower juss to git wet. Yo mamaz like a human basketball hoop, everyone triez to put their ballz in Yo momma so hairy, her breasts feel like coconuts Yo mamma's so short, you can see her feet on her driver's liscense Yo moms is so dark, when she gets out of the car the oil light goes on Your momma is so short she smoke marijuana to get high You so ugly, when you were born the doctor took one look and smacked yo' mamma! Yo' mamma so fat, her ass has its own zip code! Tell yo' mamma to stop changing her lip stick! My dog got a rainbow colored dick! Yo momma iz so dirty, last time she had a bath she found the t-shirt that she used for P.E at school Yo momma is so fat that when she wears a yellow raincoat people scream TAXI!!! TAXI!!! Yo momma is so old the bitch dreams in black and white Your moms is so fat a little kid yelled "HEY KOOL-AID!" and the bitch jumped through a brick wall! Your moms got no feet talkin about "I'm gonna run for president!" Your moms so tall she can sit on the London bridge and soak her feet! Yo momma so dark that when she goes to night classes she gets counted absent Yo mama so old, she was at the first day of slavery Yo momma so stank, she cut the string off the tampon to keep the crabs from bungee jumpin' Yo mama like a lollypop every one gets a lick! Yo mama is so dirty, she gave me an ear infection thru the telephone! Yo mumma iz so dirty, she can pull a fish skeleton outta between her leg Yo mama's so old, she went to antique shop, and they kept her Yo momma so dumb, she stuck a phone up her ass to get the booty call Yo mama's so easy, everyone calls her the living matress. Yo mama's so fat, I rolled off her and kept on rollin Yo mama is so fat that when she sat on a quarter she gave George Washington a nose bleed Yo momma like rocky road ice cream...she gots nuts and cream! Yo moms is so strong she can blow bubbles with Now & Laters! Yo mamma is so slutty she can suck start a harley Ya mama so skinny her nipples touch Yo moma so nasty her parents had to feed her with a sling shot. Yo moma so fucking fat her blood type is Crisco Yo momma's so stupid she put on a maxi with wings and thought she could fly! Yo momma's glasses are so thick, when she look at a map she sees people waving. Yo mom's like a bus, with the correct change, anyone can ride her Yo mommas butts so big she shits submarines! Yo mama so stupid she sold her house to buy furniture Your moma is so fat when I make love to her, her arse got burnt on the lightbulb Yo momma so stupid she got fired from a blow job. Yo momma so ugly she had to get you drunk to breast feed you. Yo moms so ugly she make's an onion cry
english.173 dr.grba,
Prebirao sam po arhivi, pa naleteo na nešto. Poruka je imala pravu snagu u vreme zenita BBS sistema... Ovo je kačeno na Sezam pre više od tri godine, mnogi od vas nisu skloni preturanju starih poruka, pa neka mi bude oprošteno što ću ovde obesiti (: dve ne baš kratke poruke. Šta biva kada mama i tata kupe sinu računar i modem (: Here we go (: PART I ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear SysOp: I am a new uzer. I am ate yearz old and I have just gotten my first modem. I like to download lotsa files as long as you don't hafta upload in return. Pleez give me access on your bord. Joe Blow. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Joe: I have given you minimal access in the kiddie file and message areas. We suggest that you learn to spell and learn your proper place in this community before attempting higher levels of access. SysOp ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear SysOp: I kant figure out how to D/L [note user's discovery of BBS abbreviations]. I have tried to use XModem with no sucsess, and then I tried ZModem and everything went kablooie. Please help me so that I can download your good filez. Joe Blow. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Joe: You're an idiot, but we like you. We think you have potential. I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to teach you how to use the file section, but you're going to learn to use it by UPLOADING [imagine teary-eyed face cringed with fear at this prospect]. Next time you log on, page me to chat and I'll show you how to upload a file. The SysOp ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear SysOp: Okay. Joe Blow ---------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Transcript of first chat with SysOp follows ] Select [M, F, E, C, P, G]: P Paging your SysOp! . . . . . . . The SysOp is here! Hello, Joe! NO CARRIER [ Joe hangs up, torn with fear ] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Transcript of second chat with SysOp follows ] Select [M, F, E, C, P, G]: P Paging your SysOp! . . . . . . . The SysOp is here! Hello, Joe! [ Long pause ] Heelo. Do you want me to show you how to upload, now? [ Another pause ] Yes. Okay...I'll walk you through it. Exiting chat ... Select [M, F, E, C, P, G]: F Select [U, D, C, L, F, S]: C Change to which area? 1 Changing to upload area (1). Select [U, D, C, L, F, S]: U Select a protocol <X> XModem <Y> YModem <Z> ZModem The SysOp is here! Okay, Joe. Tell your program you want to upload by pressing PgUp when you want to start the transfer. Exiting chat ... Select [X, Y, Z]: X Enter filename to upload: APROGRAM.ZIP Begin your upload procedure... 1 file(s) transfered successfully! The SysOp is here! See, that wasn't so hard, was it? Nnno. Well, to download, you do the same thing in reverse. Okay! Cool! By the way, what was it you uploaded, anyway? I don't know...I got it from one of my friends. It's something called a virus. NO CARRIER ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Joe: I looked at the program you uploaded. If you ever upload a virus again, I'll kill you slowly, and your little dog too. You have a lot to learn, kid. The mildly pissed SysOp ---------------------------------------------------------------------- PART II (one year later) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear SysOp: I uploaded those files you asked me for. My upload ratio is now better than my download ratio. Can you pleez let me in on some of the better file areas? Joe ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Joe: Okay. I think you deserve it. I'm going to let you into some of the other file areas. By the way, don't upload anything that has the words "cracked by" on it anymore. I could get in big trouble. By the way, a protocol is a way to transfer files, not a matter of etiquette. The SysOp ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear SysOp: Okay. I just thought you might like that game. Something about those Amazon Women just appeeled to me. Joe ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Joe: You skip school to call here, don't you? Can't you call somewhere else for a change? The SysOp ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear SysOp: You mean there are other BBSes out there? Why didn't you tell me about them before? Joe Blow ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Joe: You never were this annoying before. Try the "Weirdo's Hideaway", 555-6543. The SysOp ---------------------------------------------------------------------- [ The user does not call for 7 weeks, as he discovers other BBSes ] [ Eventually, he decides to call back and batch upload all the warez] [ That he collected on his leech festivals ] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear SysOp: I learned how to phreak last week! It's a lot of phun and you don't have to pay when you download philes [ it is obvious that the kid has been calling California boards, where they spell all "f" sounds with "ph"]. Among the warez I'm uploading to you is a program called Code Thief. It will help you phreak too! Joe ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Joe: Phreaking is a bad business. Don't you think they can figure out where those calls you are making are coming from? They can. I suggest you stop before you get yourself and your parents in trouble. Your SysOp ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear SysOp: What's wrong with phreaking? It's not like it's illegal or anything. Joe. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Joe: You're so full of shit, you stink. Your SysOp ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear SysOp: One of my friends that I met on a board in California [ see! we told you ] had something happen to him called "getting busted." What does that mean? Joe ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Joe: It means that he was arrested. Probably for phreaking. He'll probably tell the feds that you phreak too in order to get a lighter sentence. You're fucked, kid. In fact, I'll probably delete you from here in case the feds start sniffing around. The SysOp. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- [ When the kid logs on next, he sees the following message ] Two four six eight, who do we appreciate? NOT YOU, NOT YOU, YEAH! Your access has been lowered to sub absolute zero. You are nothing. You can do nothing. Don't ever call here again or we'll shoot you with lime jello and throw you in a bathtub with Roseanne Barr. NO CARRIER Just kidding. NO CARRIER <click!> ---------------------------------------------------------------------- PART III ---------------------------------------------------------------------- [ About a month later, the kid calls the board under an assumed name ] [ By assumed name, I mean that the SysOp can do nothing but assume ] [ that it's the little leech. ] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear SysOp: I am a new user and would like lots of access so I can upload and download. I don't use message bases because I think they're stupid. Joe Blow [ the kid realizes his mistake in putting his real name and tries in ] [ vain to use the message editor so he can remove his name and put ] [ in his alias ] *** [ He fails miserably and winds up with: ] Joe Blow Assumed Name How the Hell???? NO CARRIER W d h i I ? a d o t d ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Joe: Dear SysOp: What do you mean? I am a new modem user. I have never called a BBS before. Assumed Name. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Assumed/Joe/Whatthefuckeveryournameis: You're a little liar. Go to hell and don't ever call here again or I'll rape your sister. Eat me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear SysOp: My sister's only 5 years old. [ SysOp breaks into chat ] The SysOp is here! That's all the better. I'll bring my shoehorn!!! [ Line noise, SysOp is screaming into phone with the wind of the big ] [ bad wolf ] NO CARRIER ---------------------------------------------------------------------- PART IV, in which the kid stops calling the board for a time to lay low. In the interim, the feds have come to his house to question him. He cracks under their interrogation and spills everything. The little shit names the BBS he has been calling for the last two years as his favorite computer hang out. How stupid. He must be a cabbage or something. After cracking under the pressure of the FBI he calls the SysOp to warn him and to make ammends. He fails miserably. NO CARRIER. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- [ After several attempts at logging on under his real name (which has ] [ been locked out of the system) he uses the name John Smith (how ] [ original...remember the cabbage?) and leaves a message to the ] [ SysOp ] Dear SysOp: I just thought I'd warn you that someone tipped the feds off about your board and that they'll be coming to question you about your illegal activities. Maybe you should go into hiding. Joe Blow, Shit...how do you edit a line...fuck fuck fuck. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Joe: You little prick!!!!!! What the hell did you tell them. I don't run no illegal board. I think I'll shoot you AND rape your sister and kill your little dog, too. As a matter of fact, I'm on my way. Shit, there's a knock at the door. It BETTER not be the feds. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- PART V, in which the kid and the SysOp make a court appearance and exchange heated words. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- The courtroom is filled with credit card frauders and phreakers, much to the SysOp's dismay because it makes him look bad. The only thing that keeps going through his mind (driving him nuts) is "Good morning, the worm, your honor." He wishes he had a shotgun so he could shoot the kid. He does, however, have his shoehorn. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- PROSECUTOR: Mr. SysOp, you have a user on your BBS system named Joe Blow, is this correct. SYSOP : No, I used to, but I locked the little shit out. DEFENSE : Objection your honor, he's a little prick, not a little shit. JUDGE : Sustained. Mr. SysOp, I will kindly ask you to keep your answers truthful. [ Welcome to hell. How DO you like it??????? ] KID : I'm not either of those things! JUDGE, PROSECUTOR, DEFENSE, SYSOP, in unison : YES YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!! [ the kid shuts up ] KID : He sells stolen credit cards! JUDGE : Is this true, Mr. SysOp? SYSOP : Absolutely not! The kid's a liar! PROSECUTOR: Your honor, we would like a recess to build a case against Mr. SysOp. SYSOP : WHAT? You're going to believe this little fucker? DEFENSE : OBJECTION! JUDGE : Sustained! The court has already established that the little fucker is a little prick. DEFENSE : Your honor, we move for a mistrial! JUDGE : Fuck you, this court is in recess. [ The trial drags on and the kid's parents are finded copious amounts] [ of money, and the SysOp goes to jail for credit card fraud because ] [ the kid couldn't think of anything else to say about the SysOp to ] [ save his ass. ] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- EPILOGUE ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Two years later, the SysOp got out of jail, but was promptly sent back on charges of raping a seven-year old girl, shooting the kid, and killing a little dog. He was sentenced to die in the electric chair, but went with a big grin on his face. The kid went to hell, where all little leeches eventually go. His sister went to hell too, and sold shoehorns for a living. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- THE MORAL SysOps: THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU! Don't let nine-year-olds on your BBSes! Ban the little leech!
english.174 dr.grba,
A ima i dalje (: The Sequel from HELL INTRODUCTION ------------ It's now been, oh, about two months since the release of DEAD.DOC and the response to it has been astounding. In all fairness, I must state that I was roaring drunk when I wrote it. That, however, doesn't mean it isn't true and that it couldn't happen. We all know it is and it could. I would like to thank the following people for their contributions: Imaginos, who sat next to me and laughed until blue in the face while I was typing the original. He is also the contributor of such memorable gems as "the shoehorn joke," "your little dog too," and "fuck you, this court is in recess." Bluejeans and Jetski, who goaded me for the sequel. Ghostwheel (the person), for providing the discordian stimulation required to write such a text file while drunk. Thanks to all. P.S. If you want the make the story more interesting, and keep it in the spirit of what it's actually written about, you can use your word processor to do a global find and replace; change all occurrences of "George" and "Tunaman" to "Dyron," "Amg," or "Mirage." P.S.S. Imaginos contributed a GREAT DEAL to this sequel. His influence is evident all the way through it. CREDITS ------- Dedaparamaxxaginos Productions (lack-of-good) Management Staff -------------------------------------------------------------- Dedaparamaxx: Head writer, head dum kopf, head head. Imaginos: Master of cows and demented thoughts. Morgan Bluejeans: Cyberspace expert, maker of "big funnies." Tempus Fugit: Latin scholar, possessor of "outrageous French Accent." Sometimes, but not all times, staff writers ------------------------------------------- Jeff the Riffer: Evil! Evil! Evil! Diskwiz: Cyberspace engineer, editor-in-sleep. IF YOU'RE CRAZY ENOUGH TO WANT TO CONTACT US: --------------------------------------------- Dedaparamaxxaginos Productions, LTD, INC, PhD, BS, FTD. 8009 SW 55th PL Gainesville, FL 32608 No CODs please. We don't like getting fish in the mail. That is a REAL address, and any correspondence sent there will be answered according to our moods, but it WILL be answered. Letter bombs will be returned to sender, unopened. Drugs, money, complements, and general ramblings are accepted. To receive a group photo of the Dedaparamaxxaginos Productions staff, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope and a quarter wrapped in duct tape to the above address. Mail may also be sent to mongo@maple.circa.ufl.edu. And now, on with the show. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- PART -I- ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A brief introduction: It's a party weekend at a local SysOp's house where everyone is gathered to drink beer and watch a brightly dressed person bearing a whip run around on the TV screen stealing taxes from evil spanish land owners. Joe Blow's cousin thrice removed is at the party; his name, for the sake of fiction, is George Tush. His handle is Tunaman. George has vowed revenge for the unjust prosecution of his distant relative. We shall see what happens. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- The scene: George enters, singing (see below). The house is a mess. Everyone is dropping potato chip crumbs on the carpet and spilling beer on one another. There are 10 people in the room, mostly young, all of them looking on George with disgust. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Enter George, singing: I am hear to seek revenge, For Joe Blow's unjust death. I intend to do so, By being a real pest! I know that somewhere in this town Is a relative of SysOp! I'm going to log on to his board, And cause a major lockup! [ The three females in the crowd jump up and begin dancing ] Dancers: He'll log on to his system, And cause a major lockup! Yes he'll log on to his system, And cause a major lockup! George: Now most of you don't like me, 'Cuz you think that I'm a nerd. But really that's not true, you see, I'm actually a turd! Dancers: He's actually a turd, he is! He's actually a turd! George: Well I don't like you either, But as long as I am here, I'll pretend like I'm online, And download all your beer! Dancers: He'll pretend like he's online, As long as he is here, He'll pretend like he's online, And download all your beer! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- New scene: George at his computer terminal. It is a 4.77MHz IBM PC with no disk drives using ROM BASIC. Somewhere, he has acquired a terminal program for ROM BASIC which he put into memory with a cassette drive. He has found the relative of the SysOp from the original DEAD.DOC who, oddly enough, is also called SysOp in this document. He has logged on, looked at all the ANSI screens at 1200 baud, and writes some feedback. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear SysOp: I would like access to everything on your board. All message conferences, all file areas (pirate ones included), all doors, and set all my flags and give me 120 minutes a day. You won't regret it. Trust me. Sincerely, Tunaman ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Tunatongue, err, Tunaman: You have been given minimal access. You may access all message boards and most file areas. We don't run pirate file areas here, so NYAH! You have 30 minutes a day. Try not to be such an asshole! The SysOp ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear SysOp: Waaaaaaaah. Sincerely, Tunaman. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- George moves on to the public message bases where he posts some malticious statements about UART chips, annoys the SigOp of the "Star Trek" discussion base by posting a message stating, in no uncertain terms, just what a putz Kirk actually was, and generally makes a nuisance of himself...especially, in the debate area... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- >> In a message posted on 11-7-91 Beopunk Cyberwulf writes << BCPW> And I'll SHOOT anyone who screams gun control in MY face. BCPW> Anyone who screams no nukes for that matter! Dear Beopunk Cyberwulf: You blithering liberals make me sick. All you ever do is complain! Gun control is a GOOD THING and I hope that it passes Congress. Then I hope the nail a REALLY BIG copy on your front door. Sincerely, Tunaman ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Tunabrain: You haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about, so leave me alone, you eleven year old blight on the population! Sincerely, Beo(I hope you rot in hell)punk Cyber(your little dog too!)wulf ---------------------------------------------------------------------- George discovers ANSI codes and posts the following reply in flashing red. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Beopunk Cyberwulf: Thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- PART -II- ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Upon posting the reply, George logs off, eats a sandwich, and begins to wonder why nobody seems to like him. He decides that everyone besides him must be an idiot. He then begins to plot his revenge against SysOp. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- George (singing): No one seems to like me, And I really don't know why. They all become so angry, When I post message replies! But none of all that matters, I must devise a plan, To format Sysop's hard drives, And blow up his Novell LAN! [ The dancers from the party sneak in through a window ] Dancers: He'll blow up Sysop's LAN, he will, He'll blow up Sysop's LAN! He must devise a plan, he must, To blow up Sysop's LAN! George: I'll fry his modem's circuits, With an electric tesla coil! His EPROMs they will all explode, His parity chips will boil! Then I'll send a power spike, Of at least five billion watts, His CPU will be so fried, He'll wind up going nuts! Dancers: He'll send a power spike, he will, Of at least five billion watts! Sysop will not know what hit him, He'll wind up going nuts! George: And I will watch all this with glee, And chuckle when I do it! It will fill my heart with joy, To watch it go KABLOOEY! Dancers: KABLOOEY! KABLOEEY! It will go KABLOOEY! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Cut to: George in his bedroom, trying in vain to manufacture a tesla coil. So far, all he has managed to do is singe his fingers and make his hair stand on end. He's been working on it for about two hours now and is almost done. He decides to take a break and harass Sysop some more. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Sysop: I downloaded a file from your file areas yesterday [duh, where the hell else would he get it? Stupid little shit.] and it had a virus in it! I ran the file FUCKYOU.EXE in the .ZIP file and my hard drive got formatted! [HE'S LYING! HE DOESN'T HAVE A HARD DRIVE!] Maybe you should delete it. Sincerely, Tunaman. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Tunaidiot: I checked the file areas and the only FUCKYOU.EXE that exists is one you uploaded. The one you uploaded, I might add, to sway your upload download ratio so you can download more. You make me sick. Sysop. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- It takes George three days to get the tesla coil working, but he finally does. After making the final preparations, he disconnects the mouthpiece on his phone so that only the bare wires are showing. He charges the tesla coil and calls Sysop's BBS number. Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep. RIIIIIIIIING! When he hears the carrier sound, he puts the bare wires up to the tesla coil. There was a terrible, ghastly silence. There was a terrible, ghastly noise. George makes his hair stand on end again. Far away, at Sysop's house, peripherals are melting. Sysop's monitor explodes. His RAM chips pop like Orville Redenbacher's best. His modem makes one final SQUEAK and goes silent. In short, everything goes KABLOOEY! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- PART -III- SYSOP'S REVENGE (muahahahahaha) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- When Sysop goes to the police and tells them about what happened, they tell him that there is nothing they can do about George unless they have some proof. Sysop says "fuck it" and decides to get a bunch of his friends over for a "kill Tunaman party." The scene is Sysop's living room (which, by the way, hasn't been cleaned since the party), the time is four past midnight. This is a major song and dance number, so it constitutes it's own part. Sysop, singing: This stupid little kid named George, Has blown up my BBS! We really must do something, To stomp his little ass! I appeal to all of you, My friends and goodly users, To help me nuke this little shit, And throw him down the sewer! Beopunk Cyberwulf: We will help you never fear, To get rid of this pest! Simply show us where he lives, And we will do the rest! Gelbarion: I will crush him with my fists, Because, like Arnold, I am strong! Then I will feed him to my dog, My German Shepherd, Kong! Imaginos: I will pop his head right off, His scrawny little torso, Then I'll shit right down his throat, And rip him a new asshole! Admiral Asshole: I'll bring my AK-47, And load it up with ammo! I'll cut the little dick in half, And use the halves as bookends! Imaginos (speaking): You idiot! That doesn't rhyme! Admiral Asshole (speaking): Fuck you! It's my part of the song! Imaginos (speaking) ASSHOLE! Admiral Asshole (speaking) That's my name! Wostgheel (ending the song with an operatic-like wailing): Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet'sssssssssss Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssssssssssssssst SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- The scene ends with the BBS users dancing out the doors like they're going down the yellow brick road in Munchkin Land. ("We're OFF to kill the dickhead, da da da da da da da da"). PART -IV- ---------------------------------------------------------------------- The scene is the front of George's house. The Assembly of Death has collected its assorted implements of torture and is ready for anything. They go up to the door. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Sysop knocks on the door. There is a brief flittering of the curtains, and it is soon obvious that someone is doing a very poor job of concealing the fact that he's at home. Gelbarion knocks a little harder (WHAM! WHAM! WAAAAAAAAAAHM!) and the lights go out. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Imaginos knocks still harder yet and the door breaks in half. It reminds Sysop of the sound his modem made. This makes him madder. Imaginos: How's that for getting your foot in the door? Admiral Asshole: Shut up! I want to kill something. Beopunk Cyberwulf: It's very dark in there. Wostgheel: Don't worry, I brought napalm. Sysop: Now now, boys. Let's just go in. The Assembly of Really Really Mad People who are Out For Blood walk in through the door. Miraculously, someone finds the light switch. Oddly enough, this is also when they hear the back door slam. Imaginos (slapping Admiral Asshole): Goddamit! You let him get away! Admiral Asshole: Fuck you! You were the one who turned on the lights! Sysop: Shut up and get after him! They run outside. George is running so fast that he trips on an oak tree root and wipes out. He falls, face first, to the pavement. The Assembly of Really Pissed off People who Want Tunaman Dead converge upon him and there is much chaos. Beopunk Cyberwulf: Hello, GEORGE! Welcome to your coming of age ceremony--KLINGON STYLE, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Imaginos: Move out of the way, I want to break his little toes. Admiral Asshole: Wait a minute, I saw him first! Let me burn his dick off! Gelbarion: Let me crush him, like Arnold would! Wostgheel: Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet'sssssssssss Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssssssssssssssst SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! There is much noise as the Assembly of Those Who Hurt People Really Really Bad for a Living attacks the defenseless, but deserving, George/Dyron/Amg/Mirage/[Asshole of your choice here]. This goes on for about two minutes, during which time we can hear: BONES CRACKING!!!!!!!!! (Crrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacccccccck!) PLEAS FOR MERCY (which go unheeded)!!!!!! SIRENS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Imaginos: Goddamit! Who called the #$%#!!@ cops? Admiral Asshole: I told you to be quiet! Imaginos: I can't help it if he screams louder than Metallica! Beopunk Cyberwulf: Don't insult my heroes! Gelbarion: We should have cut out his voice box. Wostgheel: Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeee! Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Kniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife! Imaginos (to Wostgheel): Will you stop that horrid operatic-like wailing?!?!? You were supposed to get that out of your system three scenes ago! The cops appear, in force, bearing guns, even though they aren't NEARLY as heavily armed as Our Heroes. Sysop, trying to hide the bloody but not yet dead body of Tunaman: Hello, officers! What can we do for you? Officer #1: You're under arrest. Gelbarion: But, kind sir, we are but poor vigilantes who, trying to act like Arnold, are helping to rid the world of foul, computer-killing vermin, like this guy here (points to George's body). Admiral Asshole: Will SOMEONE please tape his incriminating mouth SHUT?!?! Officer #2: Please put your hands over your head. Imaginos: I SEE BATS! Officer #1 (getting noticeably nervous): Please put your military-like armament DOWN and get against the wall and spread 'em! Imaginos (rapidly running his hands over his chest, like he's trying to get something slimy off): SNAKES!!!!!!! SNAKES!!!!!! SNAKES!!!!!! Where's my medicine! I need my medicine! (Looking at Officer #1) Did YOU bring my medicine? Sysop: We're doomed. Beopunk Cyberwulf (to Officer #2): Sorry about your family...TOMORROW! After a WHOLE lot of trouble, the ambulance takes George away to Shands (after using a crowbar to pry his modem out of his asshole) and the Assembly of Rather Humbled Modem Users Now That Their Weapons Have Been Taken are carted off to the big house. ----------------------------------------------------------------------
english.175 silence,
HOW TO DRIVE PEOPLE NUTS AT WORK Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing.For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive." Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes. Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com" Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many." Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children. For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
english.176 silence,
Apropo ovakvih poruka: > WARNING!!!!!! If you receive an e-mail titled "JOIN THE CREW" DO > NOT open it! It will erase EVERYTHING on your hard drive! Send this > letter out to as many people you can.......this is a new virus and not > many people know about it! This information was received this morning > from IBM, please share it with anyone that might access the Internet. > Also, If anyone receives mail entitled; PENPAL GREETINGS! please > delete it WITHOUT reading it!! This is a warning for all Internet > users - there is a dangerous virus propagating across the Internet > through an e-mail message entitled "PENPAL GREETINGS!". DO NOT > DOWNLOAD ANY MESSAGE ENTITLED "PENPAL GREETINGS"!! This message > appears to be a friendly letter asking you if you are interested in a > penpal, but by the time you read this letter, it is ... Zapazite odjek jednog Čeha (bacite uzgred pogled na datum!): > Subject: Virus Alert! > Date: Monday, January 01, 1601 > > On viruses, just got this hot over the wire: > > If you receive an e-mail with a subject of "Badtimes," delete it > immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus > yet. > > It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble > any disks that are even close to your computer. It will re calibrate > your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. > It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the > tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any > CD's you try to play. > > It will give your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend your new phone number. It > will mix Kool-aid into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and > leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming > over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit > pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work. > > This virus is capable of making you fall in love with a penguin. It > will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in > your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your > current boyfriend/girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner > and hotel room to your Visa card. > > It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, > such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to > sully those things we hold most dear. > > It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. > It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your > boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is > dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting > shade of mauve. > > Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.It will leave the toilet seat > up. > > It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave > bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers > with your new snowblower. > > These are just a few signs... Just be very careful! >
english.177 dr.grba,
Stiglo mi od druga koji radi u UNTAES-u (: 1008 180997 GMT RWS CSA AFA REU3941 3 OVR 327 ( RWS CSA AFA US NEWS BA HR LATAM DIP ) N18276606 BC-BOSNIA-USA-KASSANDRA Steamy Latin soap opera to promote peace in Bosnia By Patricia Zengerle MIAMI, Sept 18 (Reuter) - The U.S State Department has intervened to help get a Venezuelan-made, Miami-distributed, Serbo-Croat-dubbed soap opera back on the air in the Bosnian city of Banja Lanka. The saga began earlier this month when supporters of Bosnian Serb president Biljana Plavsic took over a local television station in the middle of an episode of "Kassandra," a steamy Venezuelan soap opera popular in the war-torn country. Not only did the station's new owners stop the show mid-episode, they were left without the remaining episodes of "Kassandra," which is distributed by a Miami-based company, Coral Pictures. Fans of the show, which centers on a Gypsy fortune teller and her lover, were so outraged at what they assumed to be the fault of Plavsic's hard-line rivals that the State Department feared the disruption could hurt the Plavsic government. They contacted the Venezuelan ambassador, who got in touch with Coral Pictures and asked the company to get a copy of "Kassandra" to the Plavsic-owned station as soon as possible. Executives at the company were confused at first because they had never sold the show to a station in Bosnia. Instead, a version of the show dubbed into Serbo-Croat was being stolen every evening from nearby Belgrade and retransmitted illegally into Bosnia and Herzegovina. The State Department asked that Coral ignore that detail. And the company obliged, sending the tapes to the station half way across the world. "They requested that we help them in getting it on the air and of course we are glad to help," Coral executive vice president Antonio Paez said, adding that he did not expect to receive any money for his trouble. "The station that they wanted it to be carried on in Bosnia, unfortunately has no money. We are donating the show in order to help in whatever way we can to the peace process in Bosnia."
english.180 dzakic,
100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate 1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. 2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning. 3. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?" 4. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again." 5. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream. 6. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it. 7. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares. 8. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences. 9. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same. 10. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night. 11. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep. 12. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about. 13. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading." 14. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away. 15. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again. 16. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes. 17. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal. 18. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...." 19. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate. 20. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer." 21. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..." 22. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there. 23. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil. 24. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?" 25. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn." 26. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere." 27. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks. 28. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes. 29. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again. 30. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan. 31. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch T.V with the pig, eating lots of bacon. 32. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry. 33. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality. 34. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again. 35. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong." 36. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks. 37. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water. 38. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?" 39. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would. 40. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye. 41. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks. 42. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray." 43. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping. 44. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern. 45. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night. 46. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back." 47. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now." 48. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "What the hell do you think you are? A king?" 49. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players." 50. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer." 51. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe. 52. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted." 53. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey. 54. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it. 55. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the room. Insist that he remove all of his possessionsimmediately. 56. Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor). 57. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate. 58. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt. 59. Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito. 60. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate. 61. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs. 62. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that." 63. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate. 64. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!" 65. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done." 66. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!") 67. Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow. 68. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing. 69. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return. 70. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral. 71. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject. 72. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room. 73. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "Damn road runner...." 74. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood. 75. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity. 76. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation. 77. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh! 78. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously. 79. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see. 80. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about. 81. Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower. 82. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout. 83. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore. 84. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners. 85. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...." 86. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the jack-o-lantern, but you can't convince it to move out. 87. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused. 88. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids. 89. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade. 90. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate. 91. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about and hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day. 92. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be." 93. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake, soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room. 94. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again. 95. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules. 96. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes. 97. While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even. 98. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall. 99. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel. 100. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.
english.181 mihailod,
### Bastard User From Hell ### Izvinjavam se ako je bilo... bufh.arj
english.182 mihailod,
*** Bastard User From Hell *** Evo i 5. i 6. dela... Nedostaju u prethodnoj arhivi... bufh56.arj
english.183 mihailod,
*** Bastard professor from hell *** Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) Which tire?
english.184 nenad,
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."
english.185 nenad,
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
english.186 nenad,
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender. "We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner. "I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first."
english.187 miskop,
-> On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their -> three sons. Vic meseca. :))
english.188 mizzony,
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over and picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for anentire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a Software Engineer. I don't have time for a girl-friend, but a talking frog is cool."
english.189 mihailod,
Evo jednog kompleta sjajnih tekstova. Arhiva sadrzi sledecih 7 fajlova: 1. ALTDICT.TXT - Alternativni recnik racunarskih izraza. 2. COMMANDS.TXT - Komande koje bi svaki korisnik zeleo da ima na raspolaganju... 3. HARDWARE.TXT - Marfolika pravila koja namece hardver. 4. INTERNET.TXT - Marfolika zapazanja u vezi Interneta. 5. SHIT.TXT - Shit happens to computers... 6. SOFTWARE.TXT - Marfolika pravila koja namece softver. 7. TAO.TXT - The Tao of Programming. * Format: ASCII * Jezik: Engleski * Izvor: Internet * csfun.arj
english.190 l.tanja,
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it? "Yes it is," the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues. "OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "25 DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you start that shit now," the priest says. :)
english.191 l.tanja,
Here's a list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong... 1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. 2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep. 3. Gun wounds again? 4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin. 5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries. 6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken! 7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants. 8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here? 9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up. 10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken. 11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out! 12. You daring lousy guy. 13. Beat him out of recognizable shape! 14. I have been scared shitless too much lately. 15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair! 16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected. 17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold? 18. How can you use my intestines as a gift? :)
english.193 vasic,
news:rec.humor.funny.reruns One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went... 'Change course 10 degrees South.' The reply was quickly flashed back... 'You change course 10 degrees North.' The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further message..... 'I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South.' Back came the reply.... 'I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North.' The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message.... 'I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!' Back came the reply....... 'I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!' ------- >From CRUISING HELMSMAN October 1987
english.194 mihailod,
FORWARDED TO SEZAM BY MIHAILOD (Samo jos jedna napomena da bi lakse pratio tekst. Evo sta u recniku pise da je gerbil: GERBIL - a small animal that lives in deserts and has long back legs on which it jumps. They are sometimes kept as pets, esp. by children) Date: Mon, 10 Nov 1997 19:45:01 -0600 (CST) From: Peter Csaszar <pcsaszar@eecs.uic.edu> To: ICL Bunch <consultants@eecs.uic.edu>, Jason Krozel <jkrozel@eecs.uic.edu> Subject: may offend..read at own risk (fwd) Guys! It REALLY DOES offend, so REALLY read it at your own risk! This mail contains goofy material. Reader discretion is advised. Scroll down to read... -peter_C ------------- Begin Forwarded Message ------------- Warning: This may offend . . . There is actually more to this post - a "top ten" list. Enjoy! Actual article from the LA Times: .... ATTACHMENT .... ------------- End Forwarded Message ------------- gerbil.arj
english.195 rdejan,
The pretty young lady was having a tooth pulled. The dentist gave her the usual "This won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over her with a drill in his hand. He immediately drew back in complete alarm. "Miss," he said in a barely audible whisper, "You have hold of my testicles!" "Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?"
english.196 rdejan,
A man and a woman met at a bar. They started getting along really well and they decide to go to her place for a drink. A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands. The woman looked at him and said, "You must be a dentist." Flabbergasted, the guy responded, "Why yes! That's amazing; how did you determine that?" The woman replied, "Easy. You keep washing your hands." Well, one thing led to another, and they migrated to the bed. Things became more and more passionate, and they made love. After their passionate deed was done, the woman remarked, "You must be a GREAT dentist!" The doctor was very surprised, and said "Yes! Yes! I sure am a great dentist. Wow! You amaze me! And how did you know THAT, my dear?' His lover retorted, "That's easy. I didn't feel a thing."
english.197 rdejan,
Sean was lyin' on his deathbed with his lifelong friend by his side. "Paddy, me dear friend, ye remember that grand case o' scotch we won at poker when we were in the merchant marine these many years ago?" "Aye, Sean, that I do. Some thirty years ago it was." "Well, laddie, I never told ye, but I set one bottle aside, and I've kept it even to this day." "Ah, Sean, heart of me heart, 'tis a fine thing ye've done!" Paddy's mouth was watering at the thought of having a last drink with his bosom buddy, a shot of magnificently aged whiskey. With great difficulty, Sean raised himself up on one elbow, reached out and clutched Paddy by the lapel of his jacket and looked him straight in the eye. "Paddy, me own, would ye do me one last, dyin' favor, in the name of our true and lastin' friendship?" Paddy returned his gaze with genuine affection. "Anything, Sean, ye know ye can count on me." Sean relaxed and fell back into his bed. "When they lay me out in that pine box and they lower me down into the ground and they cover me over with sod, Paddy, me boy, will ye take that fine bottle of scotch and pull the cork, and pour the whiskey all over me grave?" (pause as Paddy swallows) "Aye, Sean, that I will ... But would ye mind if it passes through me kidneys first?"
english.200 clouseau,
Do you know what PONTIAC means? Poor Old Nigger Thinks It's A Cadilac
english.202 rdejan,
A man walks into a tavern and sees a jarful of cash on the bar. He asks the bartender what the jar of cash is for and the bartender says "If you can make my horse laugh, you win the money." So, the man walks around back of the tavern, whispers in the horses ear and the horse starts laughing and snorting and stomping his hooves. The man walks back into the tavern and takes the jar of cash. A few weeks later, the same man walks into the tavern and sees another jar of cash on the bar. He asks the bartender what the jar of cash is Dalje (dnb)? for and the bartender says "My horse hasn't stopped laughing since you were in here last and if you can make my horse stop laughing you win the money." So the man walks around the back of the tavern and everyone hears the loudest sobbing and crying coming from the horse. The man walks up to the bar and reaches for the jar of cash. "Hold on a minute, says the bartender. I've gotta know what you said to that horse." "Well," says the man, "the first time I came in, I told him that my dick was bigger than his." "And the second time?" Asked the bartender. "I showed him." said the man.
english.203 dalex,
Evo malo zanimljive matematike. Javite rezultate :)... Work this out as you read. Don't read the bottom until you have worked it out.!!! 1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to have sex. 2. Multiply this number by 2. 3. Add 5. 4. Multiply it by 50. 5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1747. If you haven't, add 1746. 6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born. RESULTS: You should now have a three digit number: The first digit of this was your original number (I.e. how many times you want to have sex each week). The second two digits are your age!!! It really works. This is the only year it will ever work ! TIP For the guys - try it with another number. It works even if you don't choose 7
english.204 dalex,
Ne znam dal je bilo, po nesto jeste sigurno, al nek ide... How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...." How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't have to know...there's a clock on the oven! Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. Why were shopping carts invented? To teach women to walk on their hind legs. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in! One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!" All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant.
english.207 nenad,
This is a copy of a letter Sony received soon after running a competition: Dear Sir, God bless you for the beautiful radio your Company donated as a prize at our recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I was the lucky one to win it. I am 86 years old and live at the Country home for the aged. All my people have gone and it was nice to have someone think of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My room mate is 95 and has always had her own radio but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into lots of pieces. It was just awful. She asked me if she could listen to my new radio and I told her to get fucked. Sincerely, Elsa McEvoy
english.208 nenad,
Tekst koji se, ispisan na ploči pričvršćenoj za zid, početkom veka mogao pročitati u velikom broju američkih domaćinstava: This Room Is Equipped With _Edison Electric Light._ Do not attempt to light with match. Simply turn key on wall by the door. The use of Electricity for lighting is in no way harmful to health, nor does it affect the soundness of sleep.
english.209 kum.djole,
A Day At The Zoo It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips. Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
english.210 buva,
glupost :)) .. True story as heard on "LATE LATE SHOW WITH TOM SNYDER" 3-3-97 Scientists at NASA have developed a gun to launch dead chickens. It shoots the chickens at windshields of airline jets, military jets and the space shuttle at their maximum traveling velocity. The purpose is to simulate collisions with airborne fowl and, therefore, determine if windshields are strong enough. Upon hearing of the gun, British engineers were eager to test it out on the windshield of their new high speed trains. However, upon firing the gun the engineers watched in shock as the chicken shattered the windshield, smashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified, the engineers sent Nasa the results of the experiment along with the designs of the windshield and asked for any suggestions. The NASA scientists sent back a one sentence response: "Thaw the chicken."
english.211 kiki,
A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles. He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"
english.212 rdejan,
Two guys get busted for smoking dope. On Friday morning they go to their court appearance. The judge says, "You look like two pretty decent guys. I'm gonna give you one more chance, BUT you have to go and try to convince as many people as you can, not to smoke dope fo rthe rest of their lives". Saturday night the two guys go to a bar and do their convincing. Monday morning they return to court. The judge says to the first guy, "How many people did you convince?". "Twent-six people, your honor!" Very good! How did you do that?", inquires the judge. "Well I drew two circles, one much bigger than the other. When I pointed to the big circle I said,"This is your brain."and when I pointed to the small circle I said,"This is your brain on drugs!". "Very well", said the judge, "your charges are dismissed." Then the judge turned to the second guy, "And how many people did you turn off drugs, young man?". "One hundred and fifty-six people your Honor. "WOW...how did you ever manage to do that?"asked the judge. "Well, sir, I used a similar approach but when I pointed to the small circle I said, "This is your asshole before prison"... Izvor: Sezampro, korisnik jone.
english.213 rdejan,
An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir. "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "white man sit on well."
english.214 madamov,
Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam: A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via cheque. After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers money in the form of a company cheque. However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks. The name of the company - 'The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company'.
english.215 nenad,
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads: Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
english.216 nenad,
A guy answers the phone. It's the doctor. About your wife's blood test, he says, due to an administrative error I'm not sure which sample is your wife's. Depending on which is which, she's either got AIDS or a severe heart condition. So what can I do about it? says the guy. Well, says the doctor, I recommend sending her on a ten-mile run. If she comes back alive, don't fuck her.
english.217 nenad,
A man complained to his friends "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00." The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow, Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labour It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard get a water softener. Your dog has worms give him vitamins. Your daughter's on drugs put her in rehab. Your wife's pregnant it ain't yours---get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.
english.219 kenza,
Pažnja, sledi čaršaf od jedno 10 strana. Morao sam da fwd-ujem celu poruku da bi ljudi mogli da shvate o čemu se zapravo radi. Poruka je prošla kroz mailbox-ove jedno 500 ljudi i svi su je fwd-ovali dalje. Iako je u priči meta neko sa AOL-a, neki pametni su je slali i van ovog sistema, valjda u strahu od užasa koji im preti ukoliko je ne proslede dalje. :))) Dakle, evo čime se bavi najzaludnija nacija na svetu: > From: Cinny3 <Cinny3@aol.com> > Return-path: <Cinny3@aol.com> > To: JWB219@aol.com, Sbsuga21@aol.com, DeadyTeady@aol.com, > SkatKat420@aol.com, Scp25@aol.com > Subject: Fwd: scream3--KIND OF NEAT > Date: Tue, 5 May 1998 15:35:05 EDT > Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com) > Mime-Version: 1.0 > Content-type: multipart/mixed; > boundary="part1_894401657_boundary" > > --part1_894401657_boundary > Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.3> > Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII > > > --part1_894401657_boundary > Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.4> > Content-type: message/rfc822 > Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit > Content-disposition: inline > > From: MKBAINE <MKBAINE@aol.com> > Return-path: <MKBAINE@aol.com> > To: Andy467@aol.com, Jason5200K@aol.com, Eltho@aol.com, > thecaptain3@juno.com, EVILEVA001@aol.com, Gkdancer@aol.com, > GENAONEAL@aol.com, GSHMOA@aol.com, gsi14787@gsaix2.cc.GaSoU.EDU, > marion@arches.uga.edu, Daffodilcr@aol.com, Cinny3@aol.com, > Missa8821@aol.com Subject: Fwd: scream3--KIND OF NEAT > Date: Tue, 5 May 1998 15:11:12 EDT > Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com) > Mime-Version: 1.0 > Content-type: multipart/mixed; > boundary="part2_894401657_boundary" > > --part2_894401657_boundary > Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.5> > Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII > > > --part2_894401657_boundary > Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.6> > Content-type: message/rfc822 > Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit > Content-disposition: inline > > From: NP1212 <NP1212@aol.com> > Return-path: <NP1212@aol.com> > To: MKBAINE@aol.com, Crafty8452@aol.com, Nlu24@aol.com, > UgaDawg999@aol.com, Akria1@aol.com > Subject: Fwd: scream3 > Date: Sun, 3 May 1998 18:19:35 EDT > Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com) > Mime-Version: 1.0 > Content-type: multipart/mixed; > boundary="part3_894401657_boundary" > > --part3_894401657_boundary > Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.7> > Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII > > > --part3_894401657_boundary > Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.8> > Content-type: message/rfc822 > Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit > Content-disposition: inline > > From: PitaDzNuts <PitaDzNuts@aol.com> > Return-path: <PitaDzNuts@aol.com> > To: NP1212@aol.com > Subject: Fwd: scream3 > Date: Fri, 1 May 1998 23:44:12 EDT > Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com) > Mime-Version: 1.0 > Content-type: multipart/mixed; > boundary="part4_894401657_boundary" > > --part4_894401657_boundary > Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.9> > Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII > > > --part4_894401657_boundary > Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.10> > Content-type: message/rfc822 > Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit > Content-disposition: inline > > From: Amos579 <Amos579@aol.com> > Return-path: <Amos579@aol.com> > To: PitaDzNuts@aol.com, APOSTLEDAV@aol.com, JamaP@aol.com, > Sjsgcu@aol.com, AZoutkast@aol.com > Subject: Fwd: scream3 > Date: Fri, 1 May 1998 16:38:02 EDT > Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com) > Mime-Version: 1.0 > Content-type: multipart/mixed; > boundary="part5_894401657_boundary" > > --part5_894401657_boundary > Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.11> > Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII > > > --part5_894401657_boundary > Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.12> > Content-type: message/rfc822 > Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit > Content-disposition: inline > > From: Brett1275 <Brett1275@aol.com> > Return-path: <Brett1275@aol.com> > To: LBug5858@aol.com, RIVERGBLUE@aol.com, JUJUB12@aol.com, > Amos579@aol.com, Wrinklz@aol.com, Jlezzell@eagle.fgcu.edu, > Poctrdeper@hotmail.com Subject: Fwd: scream3 > Date: Thu, 30 Apr 1998 16:08:33 EDT > Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com) > Mime-Version: 1.0 > Content-type: multipart/mixed; > boundary="part6_894401657_boundary" > > --part6_894401657_boundary > Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.13> > Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII > > > > --part6_894401657_boundary > Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.14> > Content-type: message/rfc822 > Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit > Content-disposition: inline > > From: Ribbit8199 <Ribbit8199@aol.com> > Return-path: <Ribbit8199@aol.com> > To: Brett1275@aol.com > Subject: Fwd: scream3 > Date: Thu, 30 Apr 1998 15:24:10 EDT > Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com) > Mime-Version: 1.0 > Content-type: multipart/mixed; > boundary="part7_894401657_boundary" > > --part7_894401657_boundary > Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.15> > Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII > > > > --part7_894401657_boundary > Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.16> > Content-type: message/rfc822 > Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit > Content-disposition: inline > > From: JYoung61 <JYoung61@aol.com> > Return-path: <JYoung61@aol.com> > To: Shelolo@aol.com, Brandy022@aol.com, Dove3319@aol.com, > Ribbit8199@aol.com, Cagesmatch@aol.com > Subject: Fwd: scream3 > Date: Thu, 30 Apr 1998 10:32:54 EDT > Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com) > Mime-Version: 1.0 > Content-type: multipart/mixed; > boundary="part8_894401657_boundary" > > --part8_894401657_boundary > Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.17> > Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII > > > > --part8_894401657_boundary > Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.18> > Content-type: message/rfc822 > Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit > Content-disposition: inline > > From: BaByGrL785 <BaByGrL785@aol.com> > Return-path: <BaByGrL785@aol.com> > To: Vetteman7@aol.com, Dessy2001@aol.com, KatzEyez17@aol.com, > JYoung61@aol.com, Angelove17@aol.com > Subject: Fwd: scream3 > Date: Wed, 29 Apr 1998 21:11:29 EDT > Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com) > Mime-Version: 1.0 > Content-type: multipart/mixed; > boundary="part9_894401657_boundary" > > --part9_894401657_boundary > Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.19> > Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII > > > --part9_894401657_boundary > Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.20> > Content-type: message/rfc822 > Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit > Content-disposition: inline > > From: Rebelm1981 <Rebelm1981@aol.com> > Return-path: <Rebelm1981@aol.com> > To: BaByGrL785@aol.com > Subject: Fwd: scream3 > Date: Wed, 29 Apr 1998 21:04:39 EDT > Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com) > Mime-Version: 1.0 > Content-type: multipart/mixed; > boundary="part10_894401657_boundary" > > --part10_894401657_boundary > Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.21> > Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII > > > --part10_894401657_boundary > Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.22> > Content-type: message/rfc822 > Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit > Content-disposition: inline > > From: Williw0nka <Williw0nka@aol.com> > Return-path: <Williw0nka@aol.com> > To: MoFoster21@aol.com, Nirvnail@aol.com, SHGAssasin@aol.com, > AlienNoah1@aol.com, > NyteAnjel@aol.com, Lynnike7@aol.com, Raychill2@aol.com, Flem24@aol.com, > AdidasKhic@aol.com, Chella16@aol.com, Sophe6@aol.com, > ERIKA14124@aol.com, Basbalcat2@aol.com, BS2211@aol.com, K88gt@aol.com, > SUKIGKW@aol.com, SPREAD@aol.com, CShi101643@aol.com, LdyDodge@aol.com, > FOCUS02@aol.com, SowS@aol.com, HEYME@aol.com, BABE156847@aol.com, > Bigflog@aol.com, Missysaver@aol.com, Peyy@aol.com, MasterJ321@aol.com, > MBenn69191@aol.com, JessEca83@aol.com, SEX6605804@aol.com, > mark16_99@yahoo.com, Panasy@aol.com, DOLLY20000@aol.com, > JQua218968@aol.com, LilA596@aol.com, FX1996@aol.com, Sinomin16@aol.com, > NIGHTSKY65@aol.com, RFskate@aol.com, Gsupreme@aol.com, Xplsv@aol.com, > Gymna89@aol.com, LovBugC184@aol.com, Rebelm1981@aol.com, > PrimalTwt@aol.com, XT550Y@aol.com, Mslmul@aol.com, Swim885508@aol.com, > UgonnaLOSE@aol.com, Deeeva1@aol.com, ThUgIcEX@aol.com, DKM82@aol.com, > Bianca2cu@aol.com, Silver1219@aol.com, TD9171@aol.com, XKLIBRIII@aol.com, > Zoso003@aol.com, WvuBabe98@aol.com, Oakley12@aol.com, KANOLEE1@aol.com, > Femme23577@aol.com, BlGGlE187@aol.com, Luvinick28@aol.com, > Jkxtreme@aol.com, Studly555@aol.com, SnoopD23@aol.com, EmilyG83@aol.com, > TurtlesND@aol.com, AIRJORDASH@aol.com, Fling25@aol.com, LaurZ48@aol.com, > AEchick71@aol.com, Hamonn@aol.com, RunnerXC83@aol.com, MavicXC@aol.com, > RachelG77@aol.com, Dirtyeyes8@aol.com, Jbenn17@aol.com, > DoctrQuinn@aol.com, JeetFeet@aol.com, Juliet6965@aol.com, > Tadpole15@aol.com, Imcomaguy@aol.com, CASHIS1@aol.com > Subject: Fwd: scream3 > Date: Wed, 29 Apr 1998 17:45:49 EDT > Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com) > Mime-Version: 1.0 > Content-type: multipart/mixed; > boundary="part11_894401657_boundary" > > --part11_894401657_boundary > Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.23> > Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII > > > --part11_894401657_boundary > Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.24> > Content-type: message/rfc822 > Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit > Content-disposition: inline > > From: AdidasKhic <AdidasKhic@aol.com> > Return-path: <AdidasKhic@aol.com> > To: Williw0nka@aol.com > Subject: Fwd: scream3 > Date: Wed, 29 Apr 1998 17:32:13 EDT > Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com) > Mime-Version: 1.0 > Content-type: multipart/mixed; > boundary="part12_894401657_boundary" > > --part12_894401657_boundary > Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.25> > Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII > > > > --part12_894401657_boundary > Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.26> > Content-type: message/rfc822 > Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit > Content-disposition: inline > > From: NicNavarro <NicNavarro@aol.com> > Return-path: <NicNavarro@aol.com> > To: AdidasKhic@aol.com > Subject: scream3 > Date: Wed, 29 Apr 1998 17:29:21 EDT > Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com) > Mime-Version: 1.0 > Content-type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 > Content-transfer-encoding: quoted-printable > > one night in a town called woodsboro ... > a young girl alone at home on the computer ... > suddenly, the familiar chime of the IM ... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > do you like scary movies? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > yeah. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > what's your favorite scary movie? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > i don't know. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > come on. you gotta have a favorite. pick one. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > okay. um ... SCREAM. you know the one with the girl from Party Of Five. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > oh yeah. i liked the movie. it was scary. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > so, why'd you wanna know? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > because i want to know everything about you ... like I already do ... > aol= =0Amember ... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > how did you know i was an aol member? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > duh ... cause you're talkin' to me on it now. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > oh. well, you better leave me alone or else ... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > or else what? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > or else i'll punt your ass and then report you so your account will get > k= icked=0Athe shit out of !!! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ooh, i'm scared. i'm shaking in my chair. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > leave me alone or else ... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > you don't even have a punter. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > how would you know? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > cause i can see you ... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > who are you? leave me alone or i'm gonna call the TOS police. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > they'd never make it in time. your computer only runs on 133 mhz. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > you better leave me alone or else ... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > or else what ? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > or else my boyfriend'll be online any minute and your account will be > gon= e ! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > his screen name wouldn't be ... GhStFaCe ... > would it ? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > how do you know his screen name? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > check to see his account ... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > *** GhStFaCe ACCOUNT TERMINATED *** > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !!! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > what do you want ? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > i wanna see your account terminated ! > right now ... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > why? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > you'll see why soon enough ... don't bother turning off your IMs ... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > how did you know ... ? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > look out your window ... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > _________ > =09=A0 / _ _ \ > =09=A0 / I I I I \ > =09=A0 / / I I \ \ > =09=A0 / / I I \ \ > =09=A0 \ / I I \ / > =09=A0 \ /___I I___\ / > =09=A0 \ __ / > =09=A0 / /__\ \ > =09=A0 / ______ \ > =09=A0 / / \ \ > =09=A0 \ / \ / > =09=A0 \ / \ / > =09=A0 \ \ / / > =09=A0 \ \ / / > =09=A0 \ \ / / > =09=A0 \ \ / / > =09=A0 \ \ / / > =09=A0 \ \ / / > =09=A0 \ \__/ / > =09=A0 \ / > =09=A0 \___/ > =09=A0 > > > > > > A > A > A > A > A > A > A > A > A > A > A > H > H > H > H > H > H > H > H > H > H > H > H > ! > ! > ! > ! > ! > ! > ! > ! > ! > ! > ! > ! > > > > S C R E A M !!! > you've been hit !!! > > > > send this chain letter to five fellow > S C R E A M > fans or suffer the same fate as our young heroine. the decision lies in > y= our=0Ahands. > > will you make the right choice? > > one aol member has been selected as the GHOSTFACE killer ... until > he/she= gets=0Athis chain letter, the chain must continue ... > > or the reign of terror in wodsboro will NEVER end !!! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > --part12_894401657_boundary-- > > --part11_894401657_boundary-- > > --part10_894401657_boundary-- > > --part9_894401657_boundary-- > > --part8_894401657_boundary-- > > --part7_894401657_boundary-- > > --part6_894401657_boundary-- > > --part5_894401657_boundary-- > > --part4_894401657_boundary-- > > --part3_894401657_boundary-- > > --part2_894401657_boundary-- > > --part1_894401657_boundary-- >
english.220 krsta,
HUNDRED FACES = STOLICA
english.221 madamov,
An old lady comes to her doctor with a very embarrassing ailment. "Dr. Johnson, I am so embarrassed to tell you my problem, but I really need help. I am constantly passing gas and I can't seem to stop it." She goes on to say, "The good news is that they are silent, and they have no odor." Dr. Johnson asks, "How frequent do you think this is?" Well," she says, "you wouldn't know it, but I have passed gas no less than twenty times just since I have been in your office." Dr. Johnson prescribes the old lady some pills and says, "Take one of these three times a day for seven days, then come back and see me. Don't come back until the end of the seven days." She agrees and one week later she returns, very upset. "I don't know what was in those pills, but things are MUCH worse now. I am still passing just as much gas as before! They are still silent, but now they smell terrible! What have you to say for your self Dr. Johnson ?" "Calm down! Says Dr. Johnson. "First things first! Now that we have cleared your sinuses, we can work on your hearing."
english.222 krsta,
IF U THINK THAT SEX IS FUNNY THEN FUCK YOURSELF AND SAVE THE MONEY! BY KRLE
english.223 popovics,
| IF U THINK THAT SEX IS FUNNY THEN FUCK YOURSELF AND SAVE THE | MONEY! Prava verzija: Fuck is good fuck is funny everybody fucks for money if you think that fuck is funny, fuck yourself, and keep the money...
english.225 rdejan,
There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice. The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
english.226 dzakic,
25 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK... 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. Makes communication interesting due to mumbling and slurred speech. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 14. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross." 15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing. 16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar. 17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas. 18. Increases your chances of seeing your coworkers drunk and naked. 19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break. 20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. 21. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up. 22. A list of 25 reasons, does not have to be 25 long.
english.227 rdejan,
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!" "Why do you say that?" he asks innocently. "The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
english.229 madamov,
Pinnochio's Date One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. Later, as they were cuddling, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So he asked her, "What's the matter, babe?" Pinnochio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably >the best guy I've ever met -- but every time we make love, you give >me splinters." This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice from his creator, Gepetto. When Pinocchio arrived, Gepetto could tell something was bothering him, and asked him what was the matter. As Pinocchio revealed his dilemma, Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out Pinnochio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way. Gepetto did not hear from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinnochio's problems. A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls". To which Pinocchio replied, "GIRLS? WHO NEED GIRLS???"
english.230 madamov,
Continuing Education Courses For Women 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before. 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits. 3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday. 4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits. 5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game. 6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too. 7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His. 8. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . . 9. Communication Skills I: Tears -- The Last Resort, Not the First. 10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking. 11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging. 12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire. 13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share. 14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up. 15. Introduction to Parking. 16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space. 17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor. 18. Water retention: Fact or Fat. 19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter. 20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption. 21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People. 22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully. 23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His. 24. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To. 25. Sex -- It's For Married Couples Too. 26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have. 27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice. 28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together. 29. Ballet: For Women Only. 30. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both. 31. Learning to Go in Public Restrooms. 32. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges. 33. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?" -- Why Men Lie. 34. TV Remotes: For Men Only. 35. Sexy Lingerie For Any Occasion. ************************************************************** "Love, Lust and Marriage": Love: When you take a bubble bath together Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together Marriage: When you give the kids a bath Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?" Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go Love: Giving your love some candy Lust: Thinking you are the candy Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet Love: Sex every night Lust: Sex 5 times a night Marriage: What's sex? Love: A night out at the symphony Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice Love: French perfume Lust: Brut aftershave Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ." Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ." Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets Love: Talking and cuddling Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . . Love: Long drives through the countryside Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat
english.231 schef,
Subject: Football jokes! ----- Q. What have the Spurs 'keeper and Michael Jackson got in common? A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason. ----- Q. What's the difference between the Spurs keeper and a taxi driver? A. A taxi driver will only let in four at a time. ----- Last season Glenn Hoddle, Ruud Gullit and Dennis Wise were trying to get to Stamford Bridge when Glenn's car broke down on the wrong side of the river. They agreed to take a run up and try and run on water to the other side. Glenn went first and miraculously walked on the water and got to the other side without getting wet. Ruudi went next and also walked on the water and got to the other side without getting wet. However, Dennis took one step and went straight under and had to swim to the other side. Glenn turned to Ruudi and said - "That was rotten we should have told him about the stepping stones just under the surface." To which Ruudi replied , "What stones?" ----- A man is walking down the street in London when he hears a woman screaming and detects a faint smell of burning in the air. He runs down the street and around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing watching a blazing building. On the tenth floor of the building a woman, clutching a bundle to her chest, is leaning out of a window screaming for someone to save her baby. The man steps forward and calls up to the woman, "Throw down your baby and I'll catch it!" "No! No!" the woman shouts back. "You might miss or drop my baby and she'll be killed!" "No I won't!" shouts the man. "I am David Seaman. I was the goalkeeper for England in Euro 96 and I didn't miss a match all through the tournament. In all that time I only let the ball into my net a few times." "What? Hardly ever?" calls the woman. "Yes!" shouts back the man. "Every football player in the land agrees that I was the best keeper in the competition and I'm now worth over 3 million pounds ". And with that he adopts the classic goalkeepers stance - legs apart and slightly bent at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the waist and with his arms stretched downwards at a slight angle away from his body, with palms facing forward. "OK!" screams the woman. "I'll trust you. I've no choice! Here she comes!" So, with the flames roaring all around her, the woman throws the baby from the window. However, the edge of the baby's shawl catches on the woman's watch with the result that the child goes spinning off to one side, tumbling head over heels and with her little arms and legs flailing. The woman screams and the crowd gasps, all sure that the baby will perish because she will fall out of reach of the man. The man remains motionless as the child descends, spinning and tumbling further and further away from him as she comes. Then when the baby is only feet from hitting the ground the man dives a full 30 feet across the pavement, catches the baby in his outstretched right hand, pulls her in towards his chest and shields her body with his left hand and arm. He hits the ground heavily on his right side and lies motionless on the pavement for a few seconds. Then, slowly, he raises himself to his feet and turns to face the crowd and everyone sees that the child is alive. The crowd is awe-struck. Then the crowd erupts with cheers and the woman, still in danger herself, nearly faints with relief. The man, still clutching the child to his chest in his right arm, waves to the crowd of onlookers to acknowledge their appreciation. Then, slowly and gracefully, he turns away from them, bounces the baby twice on the ground, and kicks her 60 yards down the road! ----- Middlesborough sign Ravanelli. On his debut he scores a hat-trick and is feted by all. After the match he phones his mum to tell her how it went. She says; I' m glad things are going well for you - it' s not too good here. People came to our house today and wrecked it, your father was beaten up, your sister raped (as was the dog) and we're feeling pretty bad...I just wish you'd let us stay at home in Italy instead of bringing us up here with you. ----- In context of the "choose life" theme in Trainspotting the film.... Choose to fail in Europe again. Choose to waste countless millions. Choose to support a team from a city you've never been to. Choose whining. Choose to where grey shirts then blame them when Southampton stuff you. Choose cheating. Choose to spend your career in the reserves because the money's good. Choose a psychopathic Irishman for your captain and call him a gifted visionary. Choose to waste 7 million on Cole. Choose the arrogance to field your reserve team and bleat about the consequences. Choose a racist albino with pink eyes and a red nose as your goalkeeper. Choose your own referee and assistants - except in Europe. Choose a Scandinavian paperboy as your top goal scorer. Choose to have the biggest squad in British football and then complain about injuries. Choose to have a moaning timekeeper as a manager. Choose to be arse-licked by the media and the accuse them of anti-United bias. Choose to forget 1969 to 1993 ever existed. Choose to change your kit 6 times a season. Choose your best ever player as an incoherent, wife-beating, alcoholic Irishman. Choose to poach your "impressive youth policy" from other clubs. Choose to sign a world class centre forward beginning with "SH" and pretend not to care when you get Sheringham instead of Shearer. Choose to go for the treble then end up with fuck all. Choose embarrassment. CHOOSE UNITED!(NO WAY!) ----- Q.What have a three pin plug and Man U got in common? A.They're both useless in Europe. ----- Q: How many Man Utd fans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Seven, one to change it, five to moan about it and Ferguson to say if the ref had done his job in the first place the light bulb would have never gone out! ----- Andy Cole is ill, so Alex Ferguson offers to go shopping for him. While in the local supermarket, he bumps into Roy Evans. "Hello, Alex, what are you doing here?" "I'm getting a bag of potatoes for Andy Cole." "Sounds like a fair swap to me!!" -----
english.232 dr.grba,
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO STUDENT BLOOPERS Richard Lederer, St. Paul's School. One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Styx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrranist who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Danes, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Charta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. In medievil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the churchdoor at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "Hurrah!" Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained." During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and that was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere were throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torch and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. Meanwhile in Europe, the Enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
english.233 kum.djole,
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Well, how about some "ass cons"? Here goes: (_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass (!) a tight ass (_._) a flat ass (_^_) a bubble ass (_*_) a sore ass (_!__) a lop-sided ass {_!_} a swishy ass (_o_) an ass that's been around (_O_) an ass that's been around even more (_x_) kiss my ass (_X_) leave my ass alone (_zzz_) a tired ass (_o^o_) a wise ass (_13_) an unlucky ass (_$_) Money coming out of his ass (_?_) Dumb Ass
english.234 rdejan,
It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish. The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying." So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
english.235 morkin,
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "it's a lot of money". After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied "$ 185.000" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Madam, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well for example, I'll bet you $ 25.000 that your balls are square." "Ha" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure" said the president. "I'll bet $25.000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25.000 says the presidents balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well Okay" said the president, "$25.000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure" Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell is the matter with your lawyer?" She replied: "Nothing, except I bet him $ 100.000 that at 10.00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
english.236 morkin,
One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem; my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin." In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin. "Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones. "God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again. "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon. Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again. He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!
english.237 milosh.zorica,
> A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a > bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president > of the bank to open a savings account because, "it's a lot > of money". After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally > ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always > right). > The bank president then asked her how much she would like to > deposit. She replied "$ 185.000" and dumped the cash out of her > bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how > she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Madam, I'm surprised you're > carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old > lady replied, "I make bets." > The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman > said, "Well for example, I'll bet you $ 25.000 that your balls are > square." "Ha" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can > never win that kind of bet" The old lady challenged, "So, would > you like to take my bet?" "Sure" said the president. "I'll bet > $25.000 that my balls are not square!" > The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot > of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am > as a witness?" > "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got > very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror > checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He > thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was > absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. > The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady > appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced > the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25.000 says > the presidents balls are square!" The president agreed with the > bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all > see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his > balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well Okay" said the > president, "$25.000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be > absolutely sure" Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly > banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, > "What the hell is the matter with your lawyer?" She replied: "Nothing, > except I bet him $ 100.000 that at 10.00 am today, I'd have The Bank of > Canada's president's balls in my hand." To je sa proa? Bio tamo pre par meseci. Evo i srpske verzije. Došla bakica u kanadsku banku da uloži 160000$. Pošto je menageru bilo sumnjivo, otkud baki tolka lova. Baka mu je odgovorila da je lovu zaradila od klađenja. I ponudila je manageru opkladu da su njegova jaja četvrtasta. Manager je prihvatio, pozvao bakicu da dođe sa advokatom sutra da donesu lovu i provere stvar. Uveče je kući manager proverio stvar i video da je sve na njegovoj strani i da je opklada dobijena. U dogovoreno vreme, bakica je došla sa advokatom da uloži novac i uzme i ovu opkladu. Kada su ušli u kancelariju, manager je skinuo gaće i baka krenula da ispituje stvar. Manager je pitao šta je sa njenim advokatom, zašto čupa kosu, lupa glavom o sto i sl.? Bakica mu je rekla da se sa advokatom kladila u 20000$ da će držati managera kan. banke za jaja. P.S. Nadam se da sam dobro prepiso s obzirom da nisam prepisivo, već kucao po pamćenju.
english.238 miskop,
This is actually a true story: A girl, let's call her Jen, is a junior in college attending school in Colorado. Like all college students, she is wrapped up in the partying and the wildness college life has to offer. Jen, being the computer science major that she is, does, however, have a lot of work to do on her computer. So when she's not out having a good time, she's working her butt off designing computer programs and installing software. One day, soon after she had broken up with her boyfriend, she was home alone on a Friday night for the first time in the three years they had been dating. She was sad, alone and depressed, so she decided to make a new homepage. While she was playing on the net, she decided to get onto a chat line. Being the wild psycho she is, she logged onto a sex line. Over the line, she met a guy who identified himself as Jeremy. She started playing with him, gave a false name, saying her name was "Katie," and started getting into detail about what she would like to do to him with her tongue. He responded by telling her to picture being naked while his hands ran over every square inch of her body. Soon they were having cybersex. This went on for awhile, and then she got off the line agreeing to meet him back on the line the following night. Saturday night rolls around, and Jen, as 'Katie', is on the line with Jeremy again. They become even closer this night, and they continue like this for a week. At the end of the week, they started talking about other things and got into very intimate issues and feelings. They became close, exchanging details about their lives, but Jen didn't tell Jeremy she was in college, because she was afraid of sounding like an immature college girl. She felt guilty, but after a few weeks, she really liked this guy. The virtual relationship carried on like this for months, and the months turned into a year. By the end of the year, they had exchanged their most intimate thoughts, but had never even spoken on the phone. They were afraid of ruining the mystery. 'Katie' & Jeremy had done everything sexually possible over the net, and they were affectionate as well, waiting for the day that they could someday be together. Finally the time had come; they had to meet each other. They were in love. They didn't care about age or looks, but only for each other. Jeremy told Jen he thought she could be his next wife. Jen was wary at first, but decided she didn't care how old or ugly he might be. She loved him, and he was the only one she could feel comfortable with. They planned a trip to meet in Vail, Colorado. They were finally going to see each other and spend the rest of the weekend together. As Jen didn't want the hassle of trying to recognize someone she's never seen, she said, "Why don't you just get a room? We'll meet there, and that way there will be no mistake." Jeremy agreed. Jen showed up at the resort first and checked in, telling the desk lady to hold a key for the next party. She then went up to the room. Wanting things to be special, she lit some candles and put on some music. She stripped naked and climbed into bed under the covers, deciding to surprise Jeremy when he got there. The lights were out and the mood was right when she heard a key in the door. She heard someone walk in and around the corner. She whispered, "Jeremy?" A voice replied, "Katie?" "Yes..." she said, so he fumbled for the light and turned it on to see Jen on the bed naked before him. Then next thing heard around the world were two blood curling screams. Jen covered herself up, and in her most humiliated voice said: "Dad...??" Now realize this really did happen.
english.239 pifat,
Think About It... Life is sexually transmitted. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that). Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself). When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess? If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. A closed mouth gathers no feet. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
english.240 miskop,
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
english.241 miskop,
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
english.242 kiklop,
Evo jedne zanimljivosti sa Interneta: "The Ten Commandments of E-mail" Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line. Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest. Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it. Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message. Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar. Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS. Thou shalt not forward any chain letter. Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose. Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work. When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn. And, here's the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail: That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.
english.243 ventura,
mali recnik musko-zenskih odnosa... guide.txt
english.244 rdejan,
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."
english.245 madamov,
White house press spokeswoman Joan Braithwaite has delivered the following statement to media regarding accusation involving impropriety between President Clinton and Miss Lewinsky: The President absolutely did not engage in any sexual conduct with Miss Lewinsky and will vigorously defend himself against such claims. However the President would like to state that it is possible that a perfectly innocent incident has been twisted by right wing republicans in order to undermine his administration. Mr. Clinton has said that there was an occasion when it was necessary for him to adjust his clothing he noticed with some embarrassment that his fly was undone. The President said that he unfortunately had some difficulty with his clothing as his zipper got stuck. Because Mr. Clinton has slight arthritis in his hands he found he could not get the zipper up. He therefore, for medical reasons, was forced to enlist the assistance of one of his staffers, who was Miss Lewinsky. In the course of assisting Mr. Clinton Miss Lewinsky had to kneel in front of him to facilitate the operation of the zipper. For medical reasons, Mr. Clinton has been advised to wear no undergarments and it so happened, that in their anxiety to end the embarrassment and rectify the fly problem, that Mr. Clinton's Penis may have fallen out of his trousers. As Miss Lewinsky was grappling with his fly and felt sure that she nearly had it, and did not want Mr. Clinton to be seen with his penis hanging out, she took the Presidential penis into her mouth so that it would not be visible should anyone enter the room. Mr. Clinton was unable to use his own hands for this purpose as he was assisting Miss Lewinsky by holding her hair out of her face so she could properly visualize his fly. It took some minutes for Miss Lewinsky to fix Mr. Clinton's fly, and it was during this time that another staff member entered the room and apparently completely misconstrued the situation. Mr. Clinton would like to reiterate that there was nothing unusual about his working relationship with Miss Lewinsky. He did say however that as he had trouble with his fly on a number of occasions, necessitating Miss Lewinsky's repeated assistance, he was considering changing his tailor.
english.246 vvaske,
* Crossposted from: NET.JOKES Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings ofbaked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party. Pozdrav, Vvaske
english.247 vvaske,
Computer Diagnosis One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor." "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you dont stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better. Pozdrav, Vvaske
english.248 miskop,
Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Covert to Catholicism and get $10." One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?" "Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it." Abe says, "What are you, crazy?" Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it." With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?" Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"
english.249 miskop,
An eighty year old woman goes to the doctor and finds out, much to her great surprise, that she is pregnant. She immediately calls her husband and says, "You old coot, you got me pregnant!" The husband pauses for a second and whispers, "Who is this?"
english.250 miskop,
Q. What do you get when you cross a doorbell and a bumble bee? A. A real humdinger!
english.251 miskop,
Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like candy." The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it." The third mouse says, "You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I'd love to keep hangin' out with you here, but I gotta go screw the cat."
english.252 miskop,
Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A. A lickalottapuss!
english.253 lada,
Is that all you JEWISH think of?!
english.254 miskop,
Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla, "How do you spell 'dumb'?" Darla says, "D-u-m-b, dumb." The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." She says, "Buckwheat is dumb" The teacher says, "Now spell 'stupid'." Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid." The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid." Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictate." Buckwheat stands and says, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate." The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." "I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"
english.255 miskop,
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw
english.256 miskop,
Two little brothers, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say 'ass' and I'll say 'hell'." All excited about their plan, they trooped downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
english.257 miskop,
Mrs. Clinton: Bill, I have decided to pick out your interns from now on. Bill: Okay. That's fair. Mrs. Clinton: Good. I have already decided on one already. Bill: Really? Who? Mrs. Clinton: Lorana Bobbit!
english.258 miskop,
Ovaj je poznat, ali na 'naški', a ovako izgleda na engleskom: ;) Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company. Having no mate, he used suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. Transfixed, she watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. Racked with pain she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?" Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."
english.259 miskop,
Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur? A. A Megasoreass!
english.260 miskop,
I ovaj je poznat na srpskom, ali nije loš i na engleskom: ;) Three ecologists are exploring the deep jungles of the Amazon searching for new plant life when they are they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are taken back to the village to be tried by the chief. The chief stares at the white men and is about to give the usual 'let's boil them alive' orders, when he gets an idea. "I shall let each of you go," he says, "if you can go out into the jungle and within one hour, come back with 10 identical pieces of fruit." The men are overjoyed when they hear this so off they run into the jungle to gather fruit. Half an hour later one of them comes back with 10 peaches and proudly brings them to the chief. The chief looks at the fruit and tells him that he will let him go if he can shove all 10 pieces of fruit up his rear end without changing his facial expression. He notices all the serious faces of the tribesmen so he starts to shove one up there, but with the peach halfway in he lets out an agonizing shriek of pain. The chief promptly gives the order to kill him. 10 minutes later the second guy comes back and sees his friend lying dead in the dirt. The tribesmen grab him and tell him to open his hands for the chief. In his hands he holds 10 identical berries. When the chief gives the same orders he is visibly relieved and quickly begins to shove the fruit up his rear end. 1...2...3...4ů5...6...7...8...9..... and suddenly the guy busts out laughing! Not amused, the chief once again gives the order to kill the guy. Now the two dead guys are up in heaven discussing what had just happened. "You only had one more berry to shove and you were home free! Why did you start laughing?" "I couldn't help it. I lost it when I saw Fred coming down the path with 10 pineapples!" ;)
english.261 miskop,
Q. Have you heard about the blonde lesbian? A. She liked men. ;))
english.262 rdejan,
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
english.263 miskop,
The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when he discovered that none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside. "You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married." "What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all bastards?" "Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"
english.264 miskop,
Q. What did Clinton say when asked about Rwanda? A. I did not sleep with her.
english.265 miskop,
An optimist is a person who doesn't understand the enormity of the problem.
english.266 silence,
(prevod teksta je u temi "razno" ove konferencije) The 1998 Darwin Awards They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award - It's an annual honour given to the person who did the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event. The Darwin Awards Nominees 1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. 2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot high cliff on his daily run. 3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. 4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was planning to break into. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor. 5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23 who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing. 6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. 7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles. 8. Ineligible, but credit given for trying? Four people were injured in a string of bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds." However, cab driver Vegas did see, and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building made her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building. 9. Ineligible, better luck next year! TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center aftereating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat, and stomach with no ill effects. Ineligible, but a strong contender for '99 10. TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from theTacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and a least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of cable had been left near the railing. Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located. 11. On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below: 1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop; 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places; 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door; 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt. 12. In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman, and was taken to hospital, where he died - of hypothermia. DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS (1) In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull. (2) In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house. (3) Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed. (4) Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull against Ya town of" a thousand Morons." AND THE WINNER IS Japan Times -- April 16, 1997 "The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of 'Pumping'", a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood." He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room. "Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained, "inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. This act is a sin against God." It appears that the young Charnchai took it further still. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him, so he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it, so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in. Not realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died virtually instantly, leaving passers-by still in shock. One woman thought she was watching a twilight fireworks display, and started clapping. "We still haven't located all of him", say the police authorities. "When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or something." "Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to Satan," Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you." Let's hear it for Charnchai Puanmuangpak, the NEW 1998 undisputed Darwin Award recipient! -- Shooting for the Best - Dan Roitner \ Photoshooter
english.267 sale.car,
f> The 1998 Darwin Awards YES ! BJIAST ! :)
english.268 miskop,
A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher has him go down to the principal's office to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this, returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom," she says. "I did," he says, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon she'd come and pick me up from school."
english.269 miskop,
If a man is in the forest, and there isn't a woman around, is he still wrong?
english.270 miskop,
Ovaj je strašan: ;) - One day, a guy dies and finds himself in Hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon. Demon: "Why so glum, chum?" Guy: "What do you think? I'm in Hell." Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?" Guy: "Sure, I love to drink." Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, bear, wine coolers; we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more." Guy: "Gee, that sounds great." Demon: "You a smoker?" Guy: "You better believe it." Demon: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars and cigarettes from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead!" Guy: "Oh, man! This is too much!" Demon: "I bet you like to gamble." Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact I do." Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table." Guy: "Gosh, I never played pai gow before..." Demon: "Well now you can. You like to do drugs?" Guy: "Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..." Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead!" Guy: "Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!" Demon: "You gay?" Guy: "Uh, no." Demon: Oooh, you're gonna hate the weekends."
english.271 miskop,
I ovaj je surov: - A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused when a man comes in and sits down beside him, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" The farmer replies, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that's so horrible?" asks the man. "Well, today" says the farmer, "I was sitting milking my cow. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. The man looks at the farmer and says, "Haven't you heard, it's no use crying over spilt milk." The farmer looks down, gulps another drink and says, "Some things you just can't explain." "Ok," said the man, "what happened then?" "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left," said the farmer. "Yeah. And then?" asked the man. "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her," said the farmer. "And just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket!" "What's two buckets of milk in the big picture?" said the man. "Don't sweat it." The farmer looks down, shakes his head, downs another drink and says, "Some things you just can't explain." "Alright," says the man, "what did you do then?" "This time," he says, "I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right." "Makes sense," says the man, "then what?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again," he said. "And just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Hmmm," says the man as he nods understandingly. "Just think of it as a test of your patience and forget about it." Again the farmer pounds another drink and says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So," said the man, "what happened next?" "Well, I didn't have any more rope," replied the farmer, "so I took off my belt, got behind her and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in....."
english.272 miskop,
Q. What is one of the most expensive things in the world? A. A girl who is free for the night!
english.273 miskop,
An elderly man goes into the confessional and tells the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two eighteen year old girls. I did it twice with each of them!" The priest replies, "Well my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So why are you telling me?" asks the priest. "Are you kidding," exclaims the old man, "I'm telling everybody!"
english.274 miskop,
One day, a scuba diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. Looking around, he saw a guy at the same depth without any scuba gear on, so, he decided to go down another 20 feet. He took another look around, and low and behold, there was the the same guy. I can't believe it, thought the scuba diver, I bet he can't go down another 25 feet. So the diver goes down another 25 feet and, again, there is the guy! Totally amazed, the scuba diver pulls out a chalkboard and writes, "How the heck are you able to go so deep and stay under so long without any equipment?" The guy grabs the chalkboard and writes, "I'm drowning you moron!"
english.275 miskop,
Last night I was trying to make love to my wife. It wasn't going too well, so she looked at me and said, "What's the matter, can't you think of anyone either?" Rodney Dangerfield I was playing poker with tarot cards the other night. I got a full house and four people died. Steven Wright
english.276 miskop,
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
english.277 petarg,
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love-making. Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it. The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success. Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try." At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this, I gotta see!"
english.278 petarg,
A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat up every single woman who walks into the bar, without any luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, "Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what"s his secret? He"s as ugly as sin and I"m everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What"s going on?" "Well," Said the Barman, "I don"t know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows.. "
english.279 petarg,
A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mum, what's sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrolment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"
english.280 petarg,
A cowboy was riding his horse across his pasture. A snake spooked his horse and bucked the cowboy off. The cowboy cursed at the snake and yelled "Don't bite me!" The snake said "NO, I'm a genie snake, I can give you three wishes. What would you like me to grant you?" The cowboy thought for a minute. Then said "A million dollars in the bank." The snake said, "Granted, next." Again the cowboy thought. Then said "The most beautiful wife in the world." The snake said, "Granted, next." Then with a great big smile on his face he said "I want to be hung like my horse." The snake said "Granted" and slithered off. The cowboy got on his horse and rode home as fast as the horse would take him. He ran into the house and into his bedroom. There stretched across his bed in a sexy negligee was the most beautiful woman in the world. So he picked up the phone called the bank and asked for his balance. The bank told him he had one million and forty nine dollars. He rushed into the bathroom. Unzipped his pants and let out the most blood curdling cry."I forgot I was riding OLD NELLIE!"
english.281 petarg,
Q. Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead? A. The blonde - she is eighteen.
english.282 miskop,
NOTICE: PLEASE NOTICE!!!!! You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice. And, we have noticed that some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. Therefore, this notice is to remind you to notice the notices and to respond to the notices because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed. >From the Notice Committee for Noticing Notices
english.283 rdejan,
Tech Support Fun A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine." +++ Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?" +++ Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety." Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?" +++ Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?" +++ Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Yeah." Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah." +++ Customer: "My computer crashed!" Tech Support: "It crashed?" Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game." Tech Support: "Alright, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot." Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed." Tech Support: "Huh?" Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work." Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship. Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'" Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
english.284 petarg,
Signs It's Time to do Laundry 1.You wear your underwear in the shower to get it clean 2.You're found passed out after a sniff test 3.The only thing left in the closet is your 1997 high school graduation gown, and a pair of swim fins 4.It's february 24th again 5.Someone scratched, "please wash me" on the back of your shirt 6.Your carpet is no longer shag, but a 50/50 cotton and polyester mix 7.You realize its either wash some clothes or fashion pants out of paper towels 8.Instead of tide, you have to use lava 9.You rub your dryer sheets over your dirty clothes to make them smell fresh 10.Those articles of clothing trying to crawl towards the laundry room on their own
english.285 rdejan,
A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. He decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do. "What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma." The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?" "No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."
english.286 glumica,
Danas je Thanksgiving Day u SAD, zato uputstvo: HOW TO COOK A TURKEY 1) Go buy a turkey. 2) Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) or Jack Daniels. 3) Put turkey in the oven. 4) Take another 2 drinks of whiskey. 5) Set the degree at 375 ovens 6) Take 3 more whiskeys of drink. 7) Turn oven the on. 8) Take 4 whisks of drinky. 9) Turk the bastey. 10) Whiskey another bottle of get. 11) Stick a turkey in the thermometer 12) Glass yourself a pour of whiskey. 13) Bake the whiskey for 4 hours. 14) Take the oven out of the turkey. 15) Take the oven out of the turkey. 16) Floor the turkey up off of the pick. 17) Turk the carvey. 18) Get yourself another scottle of botch. 19) Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey. 20) Bless the saying, pass and eat out.
english.287 sljubisic,
SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer's Perspective I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each. II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them - Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. V. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
english.288 pifat,
A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself, "I know I lead a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor. Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed? Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in Hell. Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke? Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs? Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little. Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble? Guy: Yes, I love to gamble. Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! And you don't have to worry about losing money because you're already dead and don't pay any more debts. You are going to love Thursdays! ...Are you gay? Guy: Well, no I'm not. Counselor: Oh [grimaces], you're gonna HATE Fridays...
english.289 pifat,
Subject: Increase your verbal skills ! How to Use FUCK as a Meaningful Word Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck." It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (Mary fucked John) and intransitive (John was fucked by Mary). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (John is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy but, fuck, she's also brilliant). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck." Aside from its sexual connotations, this word can be used to describe many situations: Aggression - Fuck you! Agreement - Fucking-ay right! Amazement - Fucking shit! Annoyance - Don't fuck with me. Apathy - Who really gives a fuck, anyhow? Benevolence - Don't do me any fucking favors. Command - Go fuck yourself! Confusion - What the fuck? Denial - I didn't fucking do it. Despair - Fucked again. Difficulty - I don't understand this fucking thing. Directions - Fuck off. Disbelief - Unfuckingbelievable! Dismay - Oh, fuck it! Displeasure - What the fuck is going on here? Encouragement - Keep on fucking. Etiquette - Pass the fucking salt! Fraud - I got fucked. Greetings - How the fuck are ya? Hatred of chemistry - Thermofuckingdynamics. Identification - Who the fuck are you? Ignorance - He's such a fuck head. Incompetence - He's a fuck up. Insight - You're out of your fucking mind! Laziness - He's a fuck off. Lost - Where the fuck are we? Panic - Let's get the fuck out of here. Passive - Fuck me! Perplexity - I fucking know all about it. Philosophical - Who gives a fuck? Pleasure - I couldn't be any fucking happier! Question - You ain't fucking me? Rebellion - Fuck the world! Resignation - Oh, fuck it! Retaliation - Up your fucking ass! Suspicion - Who the fuck are you? Trouble - I guess I'm fucked now. Ugliness - You're a dumb looking fuck. Wisdom - Fuck that shit! Wonder - How the fuck did you do that? It can be used in an anatomical description - "He's a fucking asshole." It can be used in business - "How did I wind up with this fucking job?" It can be maternal - "Motherfucker." It can be political - "Fuck Dan Quayle!" It has also been used by many notable people throughout history: "What the fuck was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" - General Custer "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" - Captain of the Titanic "Thats not a real fucking gun." - John Lennon "Who's gonna fucking find out?" - Richard Nixon "Heads are going to fucking roll." - Anne Boleyn "Let the fucking woman drive." - Commander of the "Challenger" What fucking map?" - Mark Thatcher "Any fucking idiot could understand that." - Albert Einstein "It does so fucking look like her!" - Picasso "How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras "You want what on the fucking ceiling?" - Michaelangelo "Fuck a duck." - Walt Disney "Why?- Because its fucking there!" - Edmund Hilary "I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" - Joan of Arc "Scattered fucking showers my ass." - Noah "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." .John F. Kennedy "I didn't fucking do it!" - O.J. Simpson
english.290 pifat,
Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous, but her mother reassured her "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you." When she got upstairs, Tony takes off his shirt, and exposes his hairy chest. Maria runs downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you." So ... up she went. When she gets up into the bedroom, he takes off his pants, showing his hairy legs. Again Maria runs down the stairs to her mother "Mama, mama, Tony took off his pants, and he has hairy legs." Again her mother says"Don't worry. All good mean have hairy legs. Tony's a good man -- go upstairs and he'll take care of you." So ... up she went... When she was up there, Tony takes off his socks, and on his left foot he is missing three toes. When Maria sees this, she runs downstairs. "Mama, mama, Tony's got a foot and a half.!" "Stay here," says the mother, "This is a job for mama."
english.291 pifat,
This guy is absolutely parched after a hard day at work. He decides to go into a bar to have a beer. Once he walks into the bar he realizes that it's a gay bar. He's so thirsty that he decides to get a beer any ways. He goes to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender says with a lisp "You can't have a beer without telling me the name of your penis first." The guys tells him that he isn't gay but just wants a beer. The bartender insists on having a name for the man's penis. So the guy asks the bartender what his penis' name is. The bartender responds(With a lisp): "My penis is named Nike--you know, JUST DO IT!" So the guy thinks for a while and tells the bartender that his penis' name is "SECRET." The bartender is perplexed and asks: " Secret?" The guy responds: "Ya, you know: STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
english.292 pifat,
Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?" After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except if you're willing to try an experimental treatment." Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk* of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it." A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants. His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?" Jack replied with his eyes watering, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."
english.293 pifat,
We have been told that: Knowledge is Power and Time is Money And, as every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time So, If Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, Then: Knowledge = Work / Money Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge Thus, Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches zero, regardless of the work done. What this means is: The Less you Know, the More you Make. Finally, proof for what we all suspected
english.294 pifat,
After all those male bashing jokes floating around, someone finally fought back. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet that men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There's a clock on the oven! Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in. All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%........ wedding cake. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffe-ring.
english.295 dzim,
> Philosophical - Who gives a fuck? Indifference - So fucking what?
english.296 dr.grba,
>>> Philosophical - Who gives a fuck? >> >> Indifference - So fucking what? Delightful - Funfuckitastic
english.297 corgan,
E, imam ja sve to u mp3 ili wav-u, ako oces mogu da okacim B.M.
english.298 miskop,
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother noticed how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between John and his 'roommate' and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started wondering if there was more between John and the 'roommate' that met the eye. Reading his Mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just 'roommates'. About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver serving spoon that she was admiring. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take the silver serving spoon from my house and I'm not saying you "did not" take the spoon. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read, "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the silver spoon by now. Love, Mom."
english.299 petarg,
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods: On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. Some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. On Tesco's Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: May cause drowsiness. On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: Keep out of children. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. On Sainsbury's Peanuts: Warning: Contains nuts. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
english.300 pifat,
Kažu da nema razlike u kojoj državi živite, ali možda i nisu u pravu: ------------------------------------------------------------------------ FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.. ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows. CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad. ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf. TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away." SLOBISM: You have two cows. One (with the flower between horns) goes into politics, the other (giving AD milk) was fined 3.200.000 for saying "Mooooo".
english.301 alien,
"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the woodwork teacher asked the only girl in the class during the first day of school. She pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."
english.302 johnnya,
>> SLOBISM: You have two cows. One (with the flower between horns) goes >> into politics, the other (giving AD milk) was fined 3.200.000 for >> saying "Mooooo". Jel ovo bilo i u originalu ? :)
english.303 vvaske,
This joke will only make sense to those of us who have the dubious distinction of being children of the eighties. If you were "there", then you just might understand ;-) An 80's Love Story I was working part time in a five and dime. My boss was Mr. Magee. He was six foot four and full of muscles and walked like an Egyptian, but I was happy to be stuck with him. One manic Monday, while I was busy working for the weekend, I overheard him make a careless whisper. He told two of my co-workers, Jack and Diane, that I gave love a bad name. Well, I got so emotional, baby. I told him to say say say what he wants, but don't play games with my affection. He told me it was hard for him to say he's sorry and not to worry, to be happy. Then he blamed it on the rain. He was so out of touch. It just took my breath away. I couldn't fight this feeling any longer. I asked him "What's love got to do with it?" He told me to get outta his store and his dreams and into my car. So I figured I might as well jump. I cut footloose, went home and called my girl, Jenny. (You already know the number) She was on the other line with Amanda. They were talking about Mickey and how he was so fine. That blew my mind! Was she really going out with him? I told her that I had just called to say I love her. She told me she had been saving all her love for me, but now she was looking for a new love - asta la vista, baby. I thought "I can't go for that - no can do! Bring me a higher love!" I called up some of my old west end girls, hoping that one of them would want to get physical all night long (all night). First I called Billie Jean - she told me to beat it. I called Rosanna - her sister Christian blessed the rains down in Africa and then hung up on me. Come on, Eileen! ... no answer. Nobody told me there'd be days like these! I was feeling like the owner of a lonely heart. Then, out of the blue, my best friend's girlfriend (she used to be mine) Roxanne calls. Yes, the real Roxanne. She told me she still hadn't found what she's looking for and that she wanted to take on me. I said "I thought you were Jessie's girl." She said "Don't you want me? You don't have to put on the red light - I'm on my own." What a feeling! I had the eye of the tiger. Who was I f-f-f-foolin? Roxanne drove me crazy like no one else. She's a beauty! She blinded me with science, and weird science at that. There was always something there to remind me of her and I just knew that I'd have the time of my life. I wasn't about to la-di-da-di. I jumped in my little red Corvette and rocked down to Electric Avenue. I got my mind set on her. When I got to her house (in the middle of her street) I ran. I rapped on her front door and to this rapper's delight, i heard a voice say "Who can it be now?" "Here I am, the one that you love", I replied. I let my love open the door and was immediately lost in her eyes. I felt like a virgin touched for the very first time. She loosened her blouse and said "Rock me Amadeus!" Well, I felt it was my prerogative to bust a move. I told her "I'll tumble for ya!" as I pinned her on the stairs, hungry like the wolf. Just then I felt an invisible touch on my shoulder. "Turn around bright eyes!" said a familiar voice. As I did, Jessie hit me with a sledgehammer of an uppercut that spun me right round like a record. He was hangin' tough and continued to roll with it, knocking the wind from beneath my wings - broken wings by this time. He rocked me tonight, for old time's sake, beating me from head to toe, until my true colors were black and blue and blood was spilling from my mouth like red, red wine. "You don't owe me money for nothing!" he snarled. At this point I was livin' on a prayer. I crawled back to my little red Corvette and drove home thinking about how my tainted love had cut like a knife - how it seems that every rose, truly, has its thorn. No longer do I want to know what love is. Love stinks.
english.304 apostol,
>This joke will only make sense to those of us who have >the dubious distinction of being children of the eighties. >If you were "there", then you just might understand ;-) Ovo bez problema može i u konfu Muzika... JoTzoqA
english.305 madamov,
Signs You've had too Much of the '90's 12. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 11. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 10. You have actually faxed or emailed your Christmas list to your parents. 09. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow. 08. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet or ironing board. 07. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 06. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits. 05. Your cell phone is so small you can't find it when it rings. 04. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases. 03. You know the people in the night cleaning crew better than you know your next door neighbors. 02. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock. And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's: 01. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
english.306 madamov,
OBTAINING AN L.A. DRIVER'S LICENSE... Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in L.A., you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area. Here it is below: GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION: Name: ____________________ Stage name: __________________________ Agent's Name: __________________________ Attorney's Name: _______________________ Actual Age: _____ Admitted Age: _____ Sex: [ ] male [ ] female [ ] formerly male [ ] formerly female [ ] both [ ] neither If female, indicate breast implant size: _______ Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes [ ] No [ ] Occupation: [ ] Lawyer [ ] Actor/Waiter [ ] Film-maker/Self-employed [ ] Writer [ ] Car Dealer [ ] Pan-handler [ ] Agent [ ] Hooker/Transvestite [ ] Other; please explain: ___________________________ Please list brand of cell phone: ________________________ (If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.) Please check hair color: Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skin-head Men: Please list shade of hair plugs ________________ Please indicate if you have Automobile Insurance: [ ] Yes [ ] No If Yes, please explain: Please check activities you perform while driving (Check all that apply): [ ] Eating a wrap [ ] Applying make-up [ ] Talking on the phone [ ] Slapping kids in the back seat [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs [ ] Tanning [X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application) [ ] Watching TV [ ] Reading Variety [ ] Surfing the net via laptop [ ] Reading a book or other Newspaper Please indicate how many times: a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, _____ b) and how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____. If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately: a) [ ] Call the police to report the crime; b) [ ] Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your TV; c) [ ] Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through; d) [ ] Call your therapist; e) [ ] None of the above (South Central residents only). Please indicate if you drive: a) [ ] a BMW, b) [ ] a Lexus, c) [ ] a Mercedes, d) [ ] a Cabriolet. If your answer is d, please add 6 to 8 weeks to normal delivery time for your driver's license. In the event of an earthquake, should you: a) [ ] stop your car b) [ ] keep driving and hope for the best, c) [ ] immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or d) [ ] pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4? In the instance of rain, you should: a) [ ] never drive over 5 MPH, b) [ ] drive twice as fast as usual, or c) [ ] you're not sure what "rain" is. Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____. Are you presently taking any of the following medications? (Check all that apply.) a) [ ] Prozac; b) [ ] Zovirax; c) [ ] Lithium; d) [ ] Zanax. If none, please explain: __________________. Length of daily commute: a) [ ] 1 hour; b) [ ] 2 hours; c) [ ] 3 hours; d) [ ] 4 hours or more. If under 1 hour, please explain: When stopped by police, should you a) [ ] pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready, b) [ ] try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405, c) [ ] have video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?
english.307 petarg,
Shot in the head by a can of Pillsbury Dough - is it true? Truth Is Funnier Than Fiction WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up, eyes closed, and both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde. Author: Roy Peterson <roypeterson@mindspring.com> Date: 1999/03/12 Forum: alt.folklore.urban A friend emailed me the following and it smacks of being an urban legend. I went to www.urbanlegend.com and did a search and wasn't able to come up with anything similar. Does anybody know whether this story is true or is it an urban legend? If it is an urban legend, what other story could it be based on? Thankyou in advance for any help you can provide. This is my first posting to "afu"!
english.308 petarg,
You Know you've been out of Uni too long when ... 1. Your potted plants stay alive. 2. Having sex in a single bed is absurd. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. 5. You hear your favorite song in the lift at work. 6. You carry an umbrella. 7. You watch the Weather Channel. 8. Your friends marry and divorce instead of get together and break up. 9. You go from 130 days of holidays to 7. 10. Jeans and a jumper no longer qualify as 'dressed up' 11. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo. 12. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 13. You don't know what time the kebab shop closes anymore. 14. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 15. You feed your dog Pal instead of McDonalds. 16. Sleeping on the lounge is a no-no. 17. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m. 18. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one. 19. You go to the chemist for Panadol and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits. 20. A 4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff' 21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time. 22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese diet coke CC's 23. 'I just can't drink the way I used to' replaces 'I'm never going to drink that much again' 24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 25. You don't get drunk at home, to save money, before going to a bar.
english.309 petarg,
Men are like......Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are. Men are like.....Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. Men are like.....Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest Men are like.....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why. Men are like.....Cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard. Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips. Men are like.....Coffee The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long. Men are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say. Men are like.....Computers Hard to figure out and never have enough memory. Men are like.....Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair. Men are like.....Department Stores. Their clothes should always be half off. Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature. Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. Men are like.....Lawn Mowers. If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it. Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you. Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs. Men are like.....Noodles. They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough. Men are like.....Parking spots. The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small. Men are like.....Plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom. Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while. Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table. Men are like.....Snowstorms. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last. Men are like.....Used Cars. Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable. Men are like.....Vacations. They never seem to be long enough. Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them
english.310 alien,
Forty reasons why the Serbs are not the new Nazis and the Kosovars are not the new Jews: 1. Because the Nazis did not put Jews on the train to Israel, as the Serbs are now putting ethnic Albanian Kosovars on the train to Albania. 2. Because we're the ones fighting alongside the Luftwaffe and the Serbs are the ones whom the Luftwaffe is bombing. 3. Because the Serbs tend to be really good-looking, especially the women. 4. Because pop stars don't, and never will, dress up as Serbs. 5. Because Serbs don't feature in pornography. 6. Because Dirk Bogarde never played a Serb. 7. Because my father tought me never to kiss a Nazi, whereas I've certainly snogged a few Serbs in my time. 8. Because Robin Cook says they are. 9. Because Clinton is a liar. 10. Because Milosevic doesn't have a moustache. 11. Because the Kosovan Liberation Army is a terrorist organisation that has been killing innocent Serbs for years, whereas the Jews were model citizens. 12. Because, if the Serbs were really Nazis, the Times, Daily Mail and their like would be right behind them, judging from their track record during the Thirties. 13. Because it wasn't the Serbs who fought WITH the Nazis in Yugoslavia during the second world war - it was the Croats and the Muslims (Nazi Muslims! What an absolutely mind-blowingly terrifying concept!) 14. Because, if they were Nazis, the US wouldn't be fighting them but funding them, like all those old pigs it props up in Latin America. 15. Tony Benn doesn't back no Nazis! Come outside and say that! 16. Because anyone who knows anything about European history before 1945 backs the Serbs. 17. Because Volkswagen recently broadcast a commercial on German television that compared the thrill of driving its latest model to being a Nazi invading Czechoslovakia. Serbia has never, does not and never will make car commercials about the thrill of going into Kosovo (Just a guess!) 18. Because, if you make a film saying that it was a real hoot being in a Nazi concentration camp, you get lots of Oscars, whereas if you decided to make a film saying that it was a real hot being in an Albanian refugee camp, Tony Blair would have you shot under some arcane wartame law which Cherie has just discovered on the statute books. 19. Because those ultra-Lefties who want the Serbs bombed are always the ones who are on the side that's against the Jews. 20. Because the Serbs have a bittersweet sense of humour, whereas the Nazis, being Germans, were utterly humourless. After all, can you really imagine the Krauts during the time of the Allied bombardment going around with a bullseye and the word "TARGET" painted on their faces? 21. "I had an uncle who played/ For Red Star Belgrade" Billy Bragg Billy Bragg would never have boasted about having a footballing Nazi for an uncle! Come outside and say that! (Again!) 22. Because Tariq Ali, Louis de Bernieres, Alan Clark and I haven't been interned yet. (Give it time, though) 23. Because the Serbs were the only people in Yugoslavia who never persecuted the Jews. 24. "Bill and Tony sitting up a tre/ K.I.S.S.I.N.G!" Because Blair can't be trusted when he gazes into Billy Bob's blue eyes and the hormones kick in. 25. Because, if Milosevic was a Nazi, Baroness Thatcher would be having tea with him in Surrey. 26. Because no one ever went on holiday to Nazi Germany (except for Unity Mitford). 27. Because the IRA won't send an honour guard to Milosevicis' funeral. 28. Because the Jews didn't indulge in personal vendettas as tehy went into the countries that welcomed them as refugees, let alone get to the point of shooting each other at point blank range, as two Kosovar men did in Calais last week while they were waiting to be put on the boat to Britain. 29. Because the Jews didn't growl at women on the streets of their host countries, as Albanian men seem wont to. 30. Because the Serbs have a really cool salute and the Nazis had a silly one. 31. Because, unlike Nazis - "And Goebbels has no balls at all" - "Milosevic does not rhyme with anything rude. 32. Because the British tabloids are the first people since the Nazis to use the word "Slav" as a term of abuse. 33. Because the KLA is funded by drug-trafficking, while the nearest German Jews ever got to drugs was chicken soup. 34. Because the German Jews didn't want to annex part of Germany and call it Israel-On-The-Rhine 35. Because last year the British Immigration Office decreed that Kosovars were not a distinct racial group. (And it's been a damned long time since anyone said that about the Jews.) 36. Because clean-limbed, dirty-minded little WASP girls don't grow up dreaming of marrying a big, handsome, sexy, intellectual Kosovar. 37. Because Germany has agreed to take 40,000 Kosovar Albanian refugees - that's "take", not "kill" 38. Because the Greeks sympathise with the Serbs - and the Greeks always back the right side 39. Because Israel sympathises with the Kosovars, and Israel always backs the wrong side (Lovely shot of that Israeli jet flying cheek-to-cheek with the Luftwaffe, lads!) 40. Because Nazis don't win wars - and Serbs don't lose them.
english.311 legolas,
>>Forty reasons why the Serbs are not the new Nazis and the >>Kosovars are not the new Jews: Odakle ovo? Ko je ovo napisao? Lici na neke nase?
english.312 dr.iivan,
> >>Forty reasons why the Serbs are not the new Nazis and the > >>Kosovars are not the new Jews: > > Odakle ovo? Ko je ovo napisao? > Lici na neke nase? Verovao ili ne: THE GUARDIAN WEEKEND - APRIL 10 1999 JULIE BURCHILL - A War Of Words
english.313 alien,
Top Ten Reasons for being a Serb 1. You are not a Croat. 2. Basketball team. 3. You can choose between several war criminals in Presidential elections. 4. You can enjoy the positive media coverage of your country when abroad. 5. You can fight 600 year-old battles against the Turks and their domestic collaborators, be convinced that it's happening right now, and not be entirely wrong. 6. You can always go to Greece and Cyprus and fear nothing. 7. Grilled meat and slivovitz. 8. You get to drink slivovitz and eat grilled meat even when under economic sanctions. 9. You are the only European country which will be bombed by NATO. 10.Every now and then you get to fly to the Hague at someone else's expense. Top ten reasons for being a Croat: 1. You're not a Serb 2. Soccer team. 3. You get to pretend that your language is different from Serbian, although it's really not. 4. Dubrovnik. 5. You get to dream about independent Croatia. 6. Every now and then you get to sing "Danke, Danke, Deutschland," and continue to dream about independent Croatia. 7. You have a thousand-year culture of which no one has heard. 8. You have a democratically elected President who is not ashamed of being a Croat. 9. The glorious World War Two past. 10.You have a thousand-year culture.... Top ten reasons for being Bosnian: 1. You can get asylum anywhere except in Serbia. 2. You can pretend that your state exists. 3. Kebab. 4. You can pretend that Sarajevo is a really cosmopolitan European city when you know that it is not. 5. Great kebab. 6. You can be visited by Francois Mitterand, Bernard Henry-Levy, Susan Sontag, and Bill Clinton and it still doesn't make a difference. 7. Free round-trip to any Moslem country. 8. You get to be bombed by a psychiatrist. 9. You can fly your flag in the UN but nowhere else. 10. Foreigners give you money and don't ask any questions. Top ten reasons for being Slovenian. 1. You can speak the beautiful Slovene language and know that no one cares except you. 2. You can feel superior to all former Yugoslavs. 3. You can drink after work. 4. You can pretend to live on the "sunny side of the Alps," although you know it's not that sunny. 5. You can pretend that you are as good as any German while secretly enjoying the fact that you are a Slav. 6. Good relations with Italy and Austria. 7. You can afford to be Yugo-nostalgic. 8. You can marry a Slovene and have Slovene children who speak Slovene. 9. You don't have to be ashamed when abroad. 10.No one bothers you because no one really cares. Top ten reasons for being Macedonian. 1. You can call yourself Macedonian and not get killed by a Bulgarian, Greek, Serb or Albanian. 2. Fresh tomatoes, watermelon and tobacco. 3.You can pretend you are a descendant of Alexander the Great and piss off the Greeks. 4.You get to be sad and suffer while listening to folk music. 5. Good relations with your neighbors, especially Greeks and Albanians. 6. American soldiers on your territory. 7. You get to call your country The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia. 8. Fresh tomatoes, watermelon, and tobacco. 9. You can successfully pretend your language is not Bulgarian. 10.Everyone is interested in the stability of your country except your neighbors. Top ten reasons for being Montenegrin. 1. You can be proud of your heroic past and not being conquered by the Turks for 500 years. 2. You can sing epic songs about your heroic past and not being conquered by the Turks for 500 years. 3. You can think of Russia as your Mother, although Russia does not know you are her son. 4. You can combine orthodoxy with Stalinism with love of Russia and still think that you are better and more progressive than the Serbs. 5. Goat cheese, grilled lamb, and grappa. 6. You get to kill at least one person in a vendetta and defend your honor. 7. If you are a woman you can kill your husband and everyone knows why you did it. 8. You can smuggle cigarettes to Italy and live like a king. 9. You don't have to work even when you have to. 10.You don't have to work.... Top ten reasons for being Albanian. 1. You can always swim to Italy. 2. You can choose between a president who stole your whole income, one who killed all your relatives, or go fight the Serbs in Kosovo. 3. You can be proud of being from "the land of the eagle." 4. You can always swim to Italy. 5. You can take weapons from any army garrison and defend your honor. 6. You can get killed in a vendetta and be remembered as the hero of the family. 7. You get to be called the poorest country in Europe. 8. You can live in the ecologically cleanest country in Europe. 9. You can always swim to Italy 10.You are proud of being "from the land of the eagle." Top ten reasons for being a Yugoslav: 1.You can be proud that you are neither a Serb, nor a Croat, nor a Slovene, nor a Bosnian, nor a Macedonian, nor Montenegrin, nor an Albanian, although you are one or more of the above. 2.You don't have to feel bad about being "Yugo-nostalgic." 3.You can have a husband/wife from any part of Yugoslavia and still feel like the country never fell apart, especially if you are abroad 4.You get to listen to Serbian, Croatian, Bosnian, Slovenian, Macedonian, Montenegrin, and even Albanian music and feel that it's quite OK. 5. You don't have to be ashamed of your Titoist past. 6. You can sing Partisan songs from World War Two or rock-and-roll from the 1980's. 7. You get to be cosmopolitan and spit on all the nationalists. 8. You get to be researched by foreign sociologists interested in your identity. 9. You are invited to speak about Yugoslavia at conferences abroad. 10.You are a good candidate for a Soros stipend.
english.314 legolas,
>> Top Ten Reasons for being a Serb Nemoj mi reci da je i ovo iz Guardiana? ;)
english.315 aandric,
Eto još jednog dokaza da je najbolje biti Srbin:)))
english.316 lboki,
>Top Ten Reasons for being a Serb 'de iskopa ovo ? :)))
english.317 gligo,
> Eto jos jednog dokaza da je najbolje biti Srbin:))) Definitivno, sljivovica i basket, ubitacna kombinacija...;)
english.318 dusandz,
Ne znam bas da li je ovo za smejanje ili plakanje?! /-------------------------Cut 'ere---------------------------------\ Here's something to make you smile (or weep maybe): an excerpt from a cbc program. It's a comedy & is usually pretty silly, but here's a small clip... a reporter live in new york city asking questions to a variety of unsuspecting americans about current events... the same questions are asked to a number of passerbys; their responses are all the same. Should NATO be bombing Bouchard? Yes, absolutely. Yes. Should NATO bomb Saskatchewan? Well, yes, you know, you gotta do what you gotta do. What about ground troops? Should ground troops be lined up to enter Gilles Duceppe? (a Quebe politician) Yep, It looks like we'll have to. All questions given with a straight face; all answers given without hesitation & with absolute conviction.
english.319 miskop,
Bigger Breasts A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
english.320 dselic,
Sa Pro-a: How Do You Know If You've Waited Too Long for "Star Wars" Tickets 11> That chick dressed as Princess Leia in front of you now qualifies as your "longest relationship with a woman." 10> Can't resist to urge to "unsheathe your lightsaber," if you know what I mean. 9> Bossman Vader told you to take your Jedi powers to the planet of unemployment. 8> We're bombing who? What the hell is a Kosovo? 7> A fellow fan compliments you on your Chewbacca costume, but you aren't wearing one. 6> When a reporter asks you why you're obsessing about a movie when there's a war in Europe, you express full confidence in President Reagan's ability to handle the to situation. 5> Your Boba Fett lunchbox is worth $.45 more than it was when you got to the theater. 4> The guy next to you is in line for "Episode II." 3> Obi-Wan's ghost shows up to spritz you with Lysol. 2> The dude in the Wookie suit is starting to look pretty good to you. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You've Been Waiting on Line Too Long for "Star Wars" Tickets... 1> Even your most loyal supporters are starting to question your order to "Just keep bombing Serbia until I get back."
english.321 glumica,
If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft... Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Patron: No, it's still there. Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?! Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?? Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour. Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato. Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now. [waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check] Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check. Patron: This is potato soup. Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet. Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. [waiter leaves.] Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup! The check: Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50 Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00
english.322 snoop,
The Final Test There were three young priests about to take their final vows. The last test that they had to pass was the CELIBACY test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis. A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest... "Ting-a-ling" The chief priest said "Oh, Patrick, I'm disappointed, you've failed. Go and have a shower." The belly dancer had stripped as far as her last veil for the second guy when the chief priest heard "Ting a ling". "Joseph, I'm very disappointed. You can't resist the temptation of a woman. Go for a shower." The belly dancer started dancing totally naked now around the last priest. She did everything erotic she could think of...but no bell rang! "John, I'm delighted. You've passed! You can resist the temptation of women" Now, go relax and take a shower with Patrick and Joseph". "Ting-a-ling" DANKO SVILAR EMAIL ADDRESS: snoop@net.yu MIRABILIS ICQ: 27494100
english.323 snoop,
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says: "It's dark in here, isn't it? "Yes it is," the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues. "OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "25 DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy's father says: "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says: "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you start that shit now," the priest says. DANKO SVILAR EMAIL ADDRESS: snoop@net.yu MIRABILIS ICQ: 27494100
english.324 rista.m,
Ova je cool! joke2.txt
english.325 glumica,
A local business, looking for office help, put a "HELP WANTED" sign in the window: "Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign, and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter, and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page, trotted over to the manager, and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow."
english.326 glumica,
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes asked, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see." Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes: "And what does that tell you?" Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes: "Elementary, my dear Watson. Somebody stole our tent!"
english.327 kojai,
Gde cupas ovaj engleski(mizerni) humor? Ono smoris se dok citas, a kad procitas shvatis da je bolje da nisi procitao do kraja posto je vic GLUUUUUUUUUUUUP! Isa
english.328 glumica,
>Gde cupas ovaj engleski(mizerni) humor? >Ono smoris se dok citas, a kad procitas shvatis da je bolje da nisi procitao >do kraja posto je vic GLUUUUUUUUUUUUP! Sta da se radi... To je prosto pitanje ukusa. Mozda su nekom pesmice Indexovog radio pozorista glupe, ali kad vidim onaj imbecilni spot ja promenim kanal. Tek da ni ova poruka ne prodje bez malo engleskog humora ;> evo vica: Here's the script from an upcoming MasterCard commercial: Lockheed F-16 Fighting Falcon -- $25 million dollars. Lockheed F-117 Nighthawk Stealth Fighter -- $45 million dollars. Boeing B-52 Stratofortress -- $74 million dollars. Brand new B-2 stealth bomber -- $2.1 billion dollars. A decent map of downtown Belgrade -- priceless. There are some things that money can't buy ... unfortunately, good intelligence is one of them (unless you're at Los Alamos). For everything else, there's MasterCard, the official card of the 19-member NATO alliance and those who believe that sometimes you just need to blow up everything in order to restore peace and stop the killing.
english.329 indi,
->> Gde cupas ovaj engleski(mizerni) humor? ->> Ono smoris se dok citas, a kad procitas shvatis da je bolje da nisi ->> procitao do kraja posto je vic GLUUUUUUUUUUUUP! nemoj tako da pljujes po stvarima koje ti se ne svidjaju kojai-o meni se na primer svidja a imam i utisak da ti lose ide engleski, pa te smaraju teskoce u citanju, npr. jel se ja smaram tako dok citam ruski :) -> Sta da se radi... To je prosto pitanje ukusa. Mozda su nekom pesmice -> Indexovog radio pozorista glupe, ali kad vidim onaj imbecilni spot ja da , cuo sam el kondor pada i ja sam ja par puta i vec mi izgleda ko da su pisali neki klinci hocu da kazem, nije tolko dobro koliko mi mozda moglo da bude
english.331 kojai,
>> a imam i utisak da ti lose ide engleski, Silno, ovaj silno gresis sinak... isa
english.332 dselic,
Sa pro-a: STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT By Rod Hilton FADE IN: INT. SPACESHIP LIAM NEESON It is vitally important we enter trade negotiations with the federation. EWAN MCGREGOR I agree. This one planet and how it trades with other planets is certainly an important enough topic to be the entire plot of a Star Wars film. INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK EVIL ALIEN Werr. What wirr we do now? My evil, obviousry Asian race must prevair. I wirr not face de Jedi. Send de droid. INT. SPACESHIP - BACK TO THE JEDI A droid enters. LIAM NEESON I sense a disturbance in the force. EWAN MCGREGOR Well, shit. Suddenly, numerous pieces of CGI enter and begin attacking the Jedi. The Jedi use the high concentration of midichlorians in their bodies to use the force to destroy the CGI. They run outside. EXT. NABOO They run until they smack into some more CGI. JAR JAR Who might you be? LIAM NEESON (staring in the general direction of Jar Jar, but not really staring at him) I am a Jedi. There are bad things coming. Take me to your homeland. JAR JAR I see. That is quite interesting. I will guide you to the land from which I have come. Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys aren't selling well enough. JAR JAR (contd) Oh! Meesa sorry! Meesa ment to saysa: Weesa can go back to Jamaica mon, okeyday? EWAN MCGREGOR (staring at something right above Jar Jar) Good. Do you have a hotel room for me and Liam? We have..uh..Jedi business to attend to. JAR JAR Weesa can smokesa some ganja, mon. AUDIENCE Die. Die, Jar Jar. Nobody likes you. INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK The queen appears over some kind of thing which appears to be better in technology than the kinds of things in the original trilogy. NATALIE PORTMAN I am the queen. You've gone too far this time. I will tell the senate and you will be in a lot of trouble. EVIL ALIEN I'm so sorry, Amidala. NATALIE PORTMAN No, no, I'm Padme now. EVIL ALIEN I thought when in the makeup, you were the queen. NATALIE PORTMAN No, I'm whoever is playing the queen at the time. The voice changes don't help you figure this out. EVIL ALIEN Stop trying to confoose me! Droids, capture the queen.. or Padme.. er.. just capture everyone! LIAM and EWAN and, fuck, JAR JAR too take NATALIE PORTMAN and other members of her staff onto a ship and they escape. They go to Tatooine. INT. TATOOINE - SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD SLAVE JAKE LLOYD Hi there! Golly I'm cute. NATALIE PORTMAN You certainly are, little boy. JAKE LLOYD I'm the only one disturbed by the fact that I'm gonna bone you in episode two? LIAM NEESON Jake, I need you to have a pod race so I can get the parts I need and free you. JAKE'S MOM No, I won't allow him to pod race. He'll get hurt. (pause) Ok, I will. Nevermind. Good luck. They pod race. It looks really COOL. GEORGE LUCAS (attempting subtlety) Oh! Look! There's a video game of this scene... uh.. buy it! Hey, I had to sacrifice a part of my grand vision for these movies to include a part that could be turned into a game, so buy it or I'll do it even more in episode 2. JAKE wins! He has to leave his mother, which will become very important in the next movie. He also has to leave his protocol droid, THREEPIO. AUDIENCE He built C-3PO? Why wasn't this ever mentioned in the original trilogy? GEORGE LUCAS Because I just made it up. Speaking of stuff I'm just making up, how do you like the midichlorian bullshit I pulled out of my ass? They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant. INT. CORUSCANT - JEDI COUNCIL LIAM NEESON I want to train this boy. YODA Nope. Sorry. Too old the boy is. Clouded his future seems. Vague my worries are. LIAM NEESON Well, he is the chosen one. He will bring balance to the force. I'm training him. SAMUEL L. JACKSON Yoda told you no, muthafucka. What the fuck is wrong with you, bitchass? I'll fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna be a fuckin bad ass in the next two fuckin movies, you know. My toy has a fuckin lightsaber. LIAM NEESON I'm going to go over your head and train him myself, then. So there. He exits. INT. GALACTIC SENATE MEETING IAN MCDIARMID Damn I'm evil. Suddenly, we see E.T! This does not make the film HYPER- CUTESEY like Return of the Jedi, but CLEVER. EXT. NABOO NATALIE PORTMAN I am either the queen or Padme now. Regardless, your cheesy-looking race of annoying, unrealistic characters need to ally with our badly acting race of creatures so we can capture this one guy. BOSS NASS One guy? The climax of this film revolves entirely around us capturing one, pretty insignificant guy? Doesn't that make this whole thing kinda pointless? NATALIE PORTMAN No more pointless than the fact that this entire film revolves around taxes on trade and the cutting off of one, pathetic little planet half-filled with annoying creatures. They go after the bad guy or whatever. Who cares? Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight sequence. Darth wears black boots, a black cloak, a black shirt, has a red lightsaber, wears red and black face paint, and has horns. He is EVIL. Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one insignificant guy and we really don't care. Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids and we really don't care except we want the Gungans to die. Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the space- battle, which is mostly over by the time he arrives. We care a little bit. INT. SOME KIND OF THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE FIELDS MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber battle which has had a lot of effort put into the choreography and is thousands of times better than any other lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film. AUDIENCE Whoa! This is really cool! Suddenly, we go back to one of the other three stupid battles going on at the time. Eventually, we return to the good one. DARTH MAUL (menacing as hell) Grrr. Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very surprising, especially to those of us who bought the film score which has a song whose title gives away the ending. He then kicks EWAN into a shaft. EWAN grabs onto something on the side and holds on for dear life. EWAN MCGREGOR Well, you certainly are an experienced fighter and there is little question you could kick pretty much anyone's ass. DARTH MAUL (contd) Muahahahaha. Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM'S lightsaber, jump up out of the shaft, over MAUL, press the button on the saber, and slice MAUL in half while MAUL stands there like an idiot and does nothing at all. He dies. EXT. SPACE JAKE LLOYD Whoaaaaa! I'm in space! Now this is pod racing! Yipee! Uh oh! Man, I'm so cute. JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for the ship is kept. He accidentally blows it to SHIT. JAKE LLOYD (contd) Uh oh! I better leave! Let's leave Artoo! They exit quickly. The ship explodes, which stops all the droids and just makes everything great, because it's always enjoyable when a serious conflict is resolved with a slapstick accident. EXT. THE STREETS OF NABOO The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive. A huge party ensues. AUDIENCE Wow! Watching this party and all this celebration has convinced me that the tiny, pathetic problem that has been taken care of is actually really significant! Hooray! Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the mindless celebration and kiddie cartoon bullshit, what actually happened was the future-emperor has actually manipulated everything, come into great power, and that one tiny problem has actually been resolved, but thousands more have been created. GEORGE LUCAS Three years, suckers. I'd make them come out sooner, but I work very hard on my films, as I am an independent filmmaker due to my disgust with Hollywood's commercialism. Now go buy some Star Wars toys! END
english.333 nenad,
A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number. The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was. Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers -- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army knife! Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't help but see was full of Swiss Army knives. Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many. "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
english.334 nenad,
The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives. He had cured their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England. He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the doctor's hut. "You live among my people long time now," said the chief. "You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before marriage and we believe what you say. This morning white child born to woman in village. You only white man in jungle. What I tell my people?" The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window. "My son," he said, "I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the phenomenon known as an albino. But look at the flock of sheep upon that hill. Every one is snow white except one. The white baby born to the woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep in the white flock. It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents." The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc," he said. "You no tell -- I no tell."
english.335 nenad,
A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot, with which she could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room, and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'" At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit." Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes in the refrigerator." Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'" "Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot. Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it! Ten minutes in the freezer," and slammed the door on him. Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving. Startled, he squawks, "My God, you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
english.336 nenad,
A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick" contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000. "Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing out in public!" "But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money." "I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot. "I don't want you showing that thing to everybody." And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening when he hands her $1000. "Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want you to?" she asks. "Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says. "I thought we could use the money." "You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says, tears welling up in her eyes. "Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win."
english.337 nenad,
It was New Year's Eve and the house was brightly decorated with holiday trappings. The only sound that broke the quiet was the click of Grandma's knitting needles. The children; Jane, eight and Mary, five, were seated in front of a cheerily burning fire, leafing through a picture book. Tiring of this, they went over to Grandma's rocker. Jane climbed up on the arm of the chair and Mary snuggled into Grandma's cozy lap. "Tell us a story," begged Mary. "Oh," said the old lady, laying aside her knitting and wrapping her arms around the children. "What story should I tell you?" "Tell us our favorite story," whispered little Jane eagerly. "About the time you were a hooker in Chicago."
english.338 nenad,
And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed." And Jesus replied, "What?"
english.339 nenad,
"Hello, Police Department." "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!" "Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it." "Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything. Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down. I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man. Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't know how thick... into my... Just a minute." "What's the matter, mister?" "Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."
english.340 nenad,
A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing into trees. At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same forest, with identical results. They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing. "Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally," apologized the rabbit. "That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same problem!" "All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do you think you could help me find out?" "I'll try," said the snake. He gently coiled himself around the rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail and long ears. You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!" "Great!" said the rabbit. "Thanks, I really owe you one!" "Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either. Do you suppose you could try and tell me?" The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake. "Well, you're low, cold and slimey..." And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have no balls. You must be an attorney!"
english.341 indi,
ovaj sam dobio od snoop-a ..u kakvom mi svetu zivimo.. This is interesting: TWO ETHICAL QUESTIONS Q1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who where deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphillis; would you recommend that she have an abortion? Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one. Q2: It is time to elect the WORLD LEADER, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates: Candidate A Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. Candidate B He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening. Candidate C He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs. Which of these would be your choice? Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer. Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt Candidate B is Winston Churchill Candidate C is Adolf Hitler And by the way: Answer to the abortion question - if you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.
english.342 snoop,
It ain't easy being a dick dick.jpg
english.343 snoop,
Save the wales! wale.jpg
english.344 snoop,
WRONG BALL!! wrong.jpg
english.345 dselic,
Mislili ste da su mali Ameri zatupljeni? Pogledajte onda kako stoje njihove kolege sa ostrva. ;) ------------------------- SCIENCE-BRITAIN-SPACE British schoolkids not rocket scientists on space LONDON, July 19 (Reuters) - It may have been one giant leap for mankind but British schoolchildren aren't very clear on when Neil Armstrong made his historic moon walk and they're a bit shaky on the mechanics of the universe. To mark the 30th anniversary of the first lunar landing, London's Science Museum surveyed 480 children between the ages of 10 and 12 on their "space knowledge". The museum said on Monday that 40 percent of them thought the Apollo 11 mission touched down on the moon before the death of Britain's Queen Victoria in 1901 or the sinking of the Titanic in 1912. Their grasp of Italian scientist Galileo's theories wasn't much better -- 30 percent believed the Sun revolves around the Earth. And if the museum fails to bring British children up to scratch on the wonders of the universe, it may be up to beings from another world -- 40 percent of the students said they believed in aliens.
english.346 indi,
-> And if the museum fails to bring British children up to scratch on the -> wonders of the universe, it may be up to beings from another world -- -> 40 percent of the students said they believed in aliens. kreteni! pojma nemaju o svemiru a veruju mi tu nesto!
english.347 ventura,
> -> And if the museum fails to bring British children up to scratch on the > -> wonders of the universe, it may be up to beings from another world -- > -> 40 percent of the students said they believed in aliens. > > kreteni! > pojma nemaju o svemiru a veruju mi tu nesto! Veruju zbog nekih tamo filmova o svemiru&co sto su se pojavili poslednjih, godina, ali mislim da je velika verovatoca da postoji neki drugi oblik zivota u svemiru, ako se zna da su na marsu nadjeni fosilizovani ostatci bakterija, zasto onda da u tolikim milijardama galaksija ne postoji inteligentna forma zivota. A i da postoji veoma je mala sansa da mi sa njima mozemo da stupimo u kontakt... Ali ako su 'oni' naucili da 'iskrive' vreme, sto je vrlo verovatno, jer ce i ljudi to moci kroz koji vek, onda nas mozda i posecuju...
english.348 mango,
Cuti indijanac. Neverovatno je koliko ljdui ovde vole da isticu tudju glupost, a svoju ni ne primecuju. Recimo, sve one tvoje "teorije" koje si slao u extra i civilizaciju si mogao da posaljes ovde;)
english.349 philippus,
ne ne hvala dosta nam je bio krsta sa svojim vicevima PH^2
english.350 indi,
-> Cuti indijanac. Neverovatno je koliko ljdui ovde vole da isticu tudju -> glupost, a svoju ni ne primecuju. Recimo, sve one tvoje "teorije" koje si -> slao u extra i civilizaciju si mogao da posaljes ovde;) jeli jel ti mislis da ja stvarno smatram da su te moje "teorije" tacne? ja sam bre to piso iz zaje.anjcije a ne zato sto mislim da sam nesto strasno pametan pa treba sad da se bavim naukom ma mogao sam ja to i u viceve da posaljem, ali posto tu ima _nekoliko_ logicnih stvari bacio sam tamo gde jesam..:)
english.351 indi,
i kao sto sam obecao evo intervjua koji je Jay Lenno radio za CNBC prepricacu ga sto bolje umem :) e da, ne zaboravite da je voditelj imao ceduljicu sa pitanjima i _ODGOVORIMA_ u koju je stalno blenuo :))) i da, intervjuisani su samo odrasli ljudi (nije bilo klinaca) J:"what happens to the stars when it's day?" devojka 1:"Well the sun goes up and the stars go down so we can't see them" J:"What is the name of our galaxy?" (ovo je jako :) beli tip 1:" i dont know" crnac 1:"i dont know" J:"let me help you, there is a candy named that way" crnac 1 :"OH I know, Mars!" (uz sirok osmeh i trip da je pametan:) J:"What is a commet?" (ovaj ubija) belac 2:"A commet, is a burning star, whitch {koja} has fallen out of it's orbit and it is under a lot of preshure so it must fall down" J:"How many planets are there in aur solar system?" devojka 2, koja studira astronomiju (?!):"one hundred (100)" J:"what is the name of the furtherest {najdalja} planet in our solar system?" crnac 2:"i dont know" J:"let me give you a hand: What is the name of Mickey's dog?" crnac 2:" GOOFY!" nista od ovog nisam izmislio, samo sam neke stvari zaboravio pa ih nisam ni napisao
english.352 buva,
e ne znam shta mi je smeshnije, ovi odgovori il tvoj engleski.. :))
english.353 indi,
-> e ne znam shta mi je smeshnije, ovi odgovori il tvoj engleski.. :)) :)) sve1 u vicevima je PS:posto sam engleski ucio sa filmova, speling mi je mnogo gori od price BTW: odgovori u intervjkuu su toliko stupidni, da se meni cini da je neko onim ljudima platio da bi tako lupali
english.354 snoop,
INNER SKELETON A 63yr old widow was admitted to the hospital Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body. FEMALE SOFA A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. PRICKLY PAIR In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy. PING PONG ANYONE? A 20yr old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed...along with a ping pong ball. BLIND DRUNK A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. (OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!) A couple hobbled into a Washington (state) emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in he head until she let go. snoop@EUnet.yu
english.355 dselic,
> Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly > diseases,poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being > kidnapped and executed by and electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding > out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent time by people who actually > believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in > Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money > to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the > traveling freak show. > * > Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1000 to you and > everyone you send "his" email to? How stupid are you? Ooooh, lookyhere! > If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy > model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit. > > So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there > who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. > > Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and > sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by > Jesus in 5AD and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the > Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness > Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. > > Fuck them. If you're going to forward something, at least send me > something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your > closest friends, > and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a > nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't > fucking care. > > Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually > contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own > unpopularity. > > THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS: > > Chain Letter Type 1: (scroll down) > > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > Make a > wish!!! > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > No, really, > go on and make one!!! > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!! > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > Wish something else!!! > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > Not that, you pervert!! > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > Is your finger getting tired yet? > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > STOP!!!! > > *Wasn't that fun? :) Hope you made a great wish :) > * > * Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if > you > don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped > by > a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. > > It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS > one is TRUE!! Really !!! Here's how it goes: > * > Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending > them a stupid chain letter. > > Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending > them a stupid chain letter. > > Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for > sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life. > > Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for > sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house. > > Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!! > > ------------------------------------------------------- > Chain Letter Type 2 > > Hello and thank you for reading this, there is a starving little boy > in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents and no > goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you > pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless > Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. > > Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent > and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. > > Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder-if you > accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. > > Thanks again!! > > ------------------------------------------------------- > Chain Letter Type 3 > > Hi there!!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. > This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and > probably not many sad ricks with nothing better to do So this is > how it works: > > Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something > horrible > will happen to you like: > > Bizarre Horror Story #1 > > Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saterday. She had > recently > received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the > sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of > poop, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, > she died. > > This Could Happen To You!! > > Bizarre Horror Story #2 > > Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and > ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend > (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and > were > cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen > To You Too!!! > > Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this > letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay. > > ------------------------------------------------------- > Chain Letter Type 4: > > As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. > Send it to every one of your friends. > > Friends: > * A friend is someone who is always at your side, > * A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, And > your breath smells like you've been eating catfood, > * A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat > full of assholes, > * A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself, > * A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about > your sad, sad life, > * A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think > you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs, > * A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the > cheque and leaves and doesn't speak much English.. no, sorry that's the > cleaning lady, > * A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants > his wish of being rich to come true. > > Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again. > > ----------------------------------------------------------- > > The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave > you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life delete it. If it's > funny, send it on. > > Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in > Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, > whose only > saviour is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, > otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right? > > Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you'll find all your > knickers missing tomorrow morning.
english.356 miskop,
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!" The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in the closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it."
english.357 miskop,
Car acronyms AUDI Accelerates Under Demonic Influence Always Unsafe Designs Implemented All Un-informed Drivers Insulted All Unnecessary Devices Installed BMW Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster BUICK Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time DODGE Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere FORD Fix Or Repair Daily Found On Road, Dead Fast Only Rolling Downhill GM General Maintenance GMC Garage Man's Companion HONDA Had One Never Did Again Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else. HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive? MAZDA Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along OLDSMOBILE Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day. Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment SAAB Send Another Automobile Back TOYOTA Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object VW Virtually Worthless
english.358 silence,
Nije vic, na engleskom je (verovali ili ne) pa zato poslah ovde. Tema: Najgori engleski koji sam u životu čuo Izvor: Secret Of Healing Inc. website http://www.soh.co.yu/ Šta je smešno Smešan je 'engleski' koji se koristi u zvučnom zapisu na stranici meni6.htm gorempomenutog URL-a. Taj zvučni zapis (MP3) je okačen uz ovu poruku. (Kvalitet i dužina (!) zapisa su originalni, tišina u drugoj polovini zapisa takođe!). TAJ 'ENGLESKI' NI SRBIN NE MOŽ' DA RAZUME! :) O čemu se radi Zvučni zapis je seansa (deo, uvod?) za izlečenje od, pretpostavljam, verovatno svih mogućih i nemogućih bolesti. Citiraću tekst sa navedene stranice (pravopisne greške su originalne!): > THE UNIQE PHENOMENON > SPECIAL GIFT FOR YOU > THE HEALING SEANCE > > The healing seance is free of charge. > It is non-harmful and has no negative side-effects. > Please, sit down, relax and before closing your eyes > press the button. > You will hear a voice of the Master... > (Keep relaxed at least for a minute) > > Master Healer > Ljubisa Stojanovic Niko čeveka ne može da obruka kao što on to sam može. seansa1.mp3
english.359 miskop,
A baby was just born. He was the perfect healthy baby boy except for one thing, he was laughing like crazy. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little thing, in front of the worried parents, but he kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and... guess what he found? The birth control pill ! ;))
english.360 indi,
1. "Home on the Web" -------------------------------------------------------------------- (to the tune of "Home on the Range") Lyrics by Peggy Ben-Fay Hu VERSE: Oh give me a site where the links all work right -- one that doesn't take too long to load -- where the text can be seen on my 13-inch screen -- one that offers a "no-Java" mode. REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM. Please take pity on me -- I'm still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed modem! VERSE: Though your video files give your pages some style I can't read them upon my PC; Massive graphics and sound crash my system, I've found, so please put in some "alt" tags for me! REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM Please take pity on me -- I'm still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed modem! VERSE: Please don't ask me to "chat" with your favorite cat; I don't have an IRC code. And don't ask me to buy games for Win 95 -- My PC is way too darn old! REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM Please take pity on me -- I'm still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed modem!
english.361 indi,
What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Technical Manuals? ------------------------------------------- If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! If the label on your cable on the gable at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!
english.362 alien,
MICROSOFT TO SELL AD SPACE IN ERROR MESSAGES Microsoft (Nasdaq: MSFT) announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression. "We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a 'General Protection Fault' or 'Illegal Operation' warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror. He also mentioned that Microsoft is intended to add banner ads into its Blue Screen of Death in the near future. The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.
english.364 alien,
How to catch a lion? 1. Newton's Method: Let the lion catch you. For every action there is equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion. 2. Einstein Method: Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily. 3. Schrodinger Method: At any given moment, there is a positive probability that lion to be in the cage. So set the trap, sit down and wait. 4. Inverse Transformation Method: We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it. Perform an inverse transformation with respect to lion. Lion is in and we are out. 5. Thermodynamic Procedure: We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows everything to pass it except lions. Then sweep the entire forest with it. 6. Integration Differentiation Method: Integrate the forest over the entire area. The lion is somewhere in the result. So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t lion to trace out the lion. GOOD LUCK!!!
english.365 indi,
ne mogu da verujem da ovo moze da bude istina ono jeste, teze je napisati valjani operativni sistem nego konstruisati procesor ali ovo.. ovo moze da bude samo antireklama mikrosoftu (cudo da se "kapije" slozio :)
english.366 mango,
Indijanac, pravi si bRe indijanac;) U ovoj konferenciji su vicevi suvisni sve dok imamo tebe :>>>
english.367 ventura,
> ne mogu da verujem da ovo moze da bude istina > ono jeste, teze je napisati valjani operativni sistem > nego konstruisati procesor > ali ovo.. > ovo moze da bude samo antireklama mikrosoftu > (cudo da se "kapije" slozio :) "teze je napisati OS nego konstruisati procesor" Ovo bi trebalo da se urami i okaci u nekom muzeju kao najveca glupost XX veka :) a pogotovo sto si mislio na Windows...
english.368 indi,
-> Indijanac, pravi si bRe indijanac;) U ovoj konferenciji su vicevi suvisni -> sve dok imamo tebe :>>> Trebao si da quotiras red zbog kojeg si lupio rep. Da znam gde mi je rupa u znanju. :) A alien je trebao da napise odakle je to skinuo, iz nekog vica ili iz izbiljnih oglasa. NHF
english.369 indi,
-> "teze je napisati OS nego konstruisati procesor" Ovo bi trebalo da -> se urami i okaci u nekom muzeju kao najveca glupost XX veka :) Bio bih pocastvovan. :) Ne, ozbilno; To mi je rekla profesorka racunara/programiranja/prenosa podataka. Mada mi se posle ovog tovog odgovora cini da ne treba sve da joj verujem. -> a pogotovo sto si mislio na Windows... Ne razumem. Pazi nisam ja hteo da kazem da je win dobar, uzasan je ali je teze napisati win nego dos, i win je ipak malo "lepsi" od dosa.