english.114madamov,
Date: Thu, 24 Oct 1996 15:00:00 -0400
From: MacWay@aol.com
Subject: How Standards Get Established
Message-ID: <961024150000_1448455300@emout03.mail.aol.com>
I don't know if this is a true story, but it sure sounds good. And I
never let the truth get in the way of evangelism. :-)
This story might explain more than just the railroad gauge standard. :-)
Guy
How Specs Live Forever
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet,
8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads
were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them
like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who
built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the
tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons,
which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd
wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons
would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the
spacing of the old wheel ruts.
So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in
Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The
roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which
everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were
first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by
Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United State
standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original
specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and
Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a
specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be
exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just
wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.
________________
Do you believe in Macintosh? Please check out
<http://www.evangelist.macaddict.com/> and join the EvangeList mailing
list by sending an email to <evangelist@macway.com>.
english.116gerber,
> Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the
> European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of
> improving efficiency in communications between Government
> departments.
>
> European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
> unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through
> and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes
> to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be
> administered by a committee staff at top level by participating
> nations.
>
> In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'
> instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities
> would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced
> by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this
> klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters
> kould be made with one less letter.
>
> There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould
> be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written
> 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in
> print.
>
> In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
> expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are
> possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters
> which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
>
> We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag
> is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and
> writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years
> sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as
> replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken
> on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze
> unesesary 'o kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar
> arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
>
> Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli
> sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls,
> difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
>
> Ze drems uv ze Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.
english.117dr.grba,
DRAWN BUTTER: A scuba diver doing some nighttime lobster fishing off the
Los Angeles coast ended up trapped himself. John Vincent, 36, was
sucked into an intake pipe that brings seawater into a power plant
for cooling. "I wasn't sure where it was going to lead," Vincent
said. "I looked at my air, I looked at my compass, which said I was
heading east into this plant." He was trapped for two hours, but
managed to attract the attention of power plant workers by banging
his weight belt on a valve and waving his light back and forth. When
rescued, Vincent had a lobster in each hand. (AP) ...You only go
around once in life, but if you do it right once is enough.
english.118dr.grba,
HEAVE HOME: Striking ground workers refused to tow a British Airways jet
from Rome's terminal, so 15 passengers got out and pushed the plane
back far enough so that it could start its engines and take off. The
flight to London only lost an hour from its schedule thanks to the
tenacious passengers. (Reuter) ...This is your captain speaking:
PUSH!
english.119dr.grba,
BETTER TO GIVE THAN RECEIVE: Sweet Haven Holy Church of God in Isle of
Wight County, Virginia, doesn't just take in money from the
collection plate, it gives some of it back. At the end of each
service, Bishop Nathaniel Johnson hands out slips of play money; any
parishioner who gets one with Johnson's initials on it wins real
money -- $10-100 -- but only if they arrived on time to the two-hour
service. "I know some people won't come to get their souls blessed,"
Johnson said, but "they'll be there to get their palms blessed." He
says that in the three years since he started the practice, church
attendance has tripled. (AP) ...The headline: Virginia Preacher
Greases Psalms.
english.120dr.grba,
CREAM AND SUGAR, PLEASE: Surgeons have figured out why so many people
get headaches after surgery: prohibiting the intake of liquids for a
day before operations deprives the patients of their cola or coffee,
and the headache is the result of caffeine withdrawal. "We're not
talking just about people who go through two or three pots of coffee
a day," says Dr. Joseph Weber of the Mayo Clinic, since about 80
percent of Americans consume at least some caffeine daily. "Even one
small caffeinated beverage a day will do it." The cure: give a bit of
intravenous caffeine before or just after surgery. (AP) ...Without
chemicals, life itself would be impossible.
english.121dr.grba,
CHEMICAL DEPENDENCY II: After hearing nothing but bad news for years,
smokers finally got a bit of good news: a new study suggests nicotine
does, in fact, help people concentrate, and it's possible that the
drug also may help alleviate some symptoms of Alzheimer's disease.
Researchers from the Baylor College of Medicine in Houston, Texas,
say they think nicotine, which reaches the brain 10 seconds after a
puff from a cigarette, mimics the effects of the neurotransmitter
acetylcholine, enhancing synaptic transmission and cognition.
(Reuter) ...Thus teachers will need to institute a new procedure
before administering final exams: body-searching students for "the
patch".
english.122dr.grba,
TRAFFIC CONTROL: The mayor of Bogota, Colombia, has a new plan to
improve downtown traffic safety: he has hired mimes to stop and
ridicule jaywalkers. Further, a television and radio campaign will
compare bad drivers to various animals, such as hogs for people who
ignore "one way" signs, donkeys for those block traffic while they
decide which way to turn, and cows for bus drivers who weave in and
out of traffic to pick up passengers. (Reuter) ...And dogs for
drivers who don't wait until they get to the "rest area".
english.123dr.grba,
TRICK OR TREAT: Clint Reed doesn't get out much, so he was really
enjoying a Halloween party at a large house in Inverness, Miss.,
where he mingled with as many as 500 costumed guests. He talked about
how he was a convicted criminal and showed everyone the high-security
monitoring device attached to his ankle. Everyone laughed and had a
good time until police officers came in and arrested Reed for parole
violation. The monitoring device was real: Reed is required to stay
in his home as a condition for parole for passing a bad check. Police
tracked the ankle monitor to the party house with the aid of a van
equipped to home in on wayward parolees. (AP) ..."Time passes, and
little by little everything that we have spoken in falsehood becomes
true." --Marcel Proust in "The Fugitive"
english.124dr.grba,
DUMBBELLS: Four bodybuilders from Massapequa Park, N.Y., couldn't get
steroids to help them bulk up, so they decided to make their own
using a recipe from the "Underground Steroid Handbook". "They were
supposed to let it sit for a while until it reached a certain pH
level," a Nassau County police spokesman said. "But they did not
wait. At the level they drank it, it was like drinking lye." Police
officers responding to the scene found the fumes so strong they had
to be treated for chemical inhalation. One of the barbellers is in
"very critical condition" and another is in "critical but stable"
condition. (AP) ...No pain, no gain.
english.125dr.grba,
MOSCOW, WE HAVE A PROBLEM: The crew aboard the Russian space station Mir
is anxiously awaiting a resupply ship which has been delayed by
booster problems. It's not fresh food they're waiting for, it's a
sewage dump -- their toilet waste storage tanks are nearly full. The
resupply ship has the capability to dump sewage overboard, but Mir
does not. "Perhaps the only inconvenience is the presence on the
spaceship of an American astronaut, whose lifetime of experience has
not prepared him for such experiments," insists the official Russian
news agency, Izvestia. (AP) ...Let me get this straight: you're
bragging that the Russian cosmonauts do have such experience?
english.126dr.grba,
HOT WATER: When President Clinton decided to take a swim at Daytona
Beach, Fla., three Secret Service agents assigned to protect him had
no choice but to follow him in. When they came ashore, the agents'
Secret Service badges, wallets, credit cards, jewelry, hotel room
keys, sun glasses, watches, and shoes and socks were all missing from
the beach. (Reuter) ...As long as they didn't lose the "football".
english.127dr.grba,
WHEN THE BALL HITS YOUR EYE AFTER KICKED IN THE SKY, THAT'S AMORE:
Alessandro Veronese has been suspended for one game. The Italian
soccer player, sent off the field for a rules violation, stopped to
kiss the referee on both cheeks before he sat down. "We think there
are going to be a lot more woman referees around in a few years
time," said the sporting judge who handed down the suspension.
"What's going to happen if players think they have the right to kiss
them or stroke their hair?" (Reuter) ...It sure beats spitting in
their faces.
english.128gerber,
--------------------------------------------------------------------
CYBERWANKING FAQ: 22 WAYS TO LET YOUR DICK DO THE THINKING ON USENET
--------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Post a "me too!" message to Usenet. Yes, the first
and quickest way to cyberwank is search for huge,
long threads like "100 great sites" "join the erotic
email exchange" "Cindy Crawford nudes in your mailbox". Post
your own short, sweet, simple "me too!" and in no time,
the person who months ago posted the original message will
quickly locate your "me too!" and begin to fill your
mail box with porn meeting your exact stroking needs. That
is the beauty and power of the net and all it takes is
a single "me too" message to be unleashed.
2. Assume every underage teenage Hollywood starlet has posed
topless and every adult actress has made hard-core porn.
Further assume posting a request for this material will
result in the quick and speedy posting by the wise
net.sex.wizards. Actresses known to have fucked on
video and retained their careers are Winona Ryder,
Cindy Crawford, Alicia Silverstone, & Barbara Streisand.
3. Cross post a message with a subject line like Subject:
"Hi ladies, want to take on this stud!!!!!!" to every group in
the alt.sex.* and *.personals hierarchies. Women *love* to be
called ladies. It shows you're a smooth talking guy and hides
the fact that your a fat, horny married man.
4. If Item 3 fails to turn up any women but turns up
a few married men offering to suck your cock, start a massive
anti-gay flame war. Again women love a man who hides behind
a net id to ALL CAPS BASH guys who, statistically, are
happier than you, earn more money than you, and dress
a lot better than you.
5. Patronize every sleazy CD-ROM seller spamming ads to
every group in the alt.* hierarchy. For only $19.95
you not only get exactly what you would get for free
from the binary groups, but you encourage more ads to
crowd out messages from real people who are posting about
the real sex they're having.
6. When you get a feel for how binaries should not be
posted to the net, tape your latest call to a
recorded phone sex line. Create a .wav file from it,
uuencode it, and then randomly distribute the 98 parts
of the uuencode to a sampling of alt.sex.* groups.
While carefully ignoring most of the binary groups,
make sure at least half of the parts hit alt.sex because that
group is about sex and your wav is about sex so
it must go to alt.sex.
7. Take a jpg of Pamela Anderson and post it
to alt.binaries.pictures.girlfriend and claim it's
your wife. Other cyberwankers will worship you
like a god.
8. Whine that gifs are better than jpegs. Ignore that they
are twice as big. Argue that image quality & not disk space
is the issue. You're a true aficionado of images of men
pissing on women and jpeg compression renders a
man's tinkle to white blocky pixels. Don't mention that you
don't have a clue how to view jpegs or the patience
to watch your boat anchor 386SX decompress a jpeg.
9. Whine that your provider's custom net software truncates
messages after 12k so why doesn't everyone change their
posting habits so you don't feel as ripped off by your
overpriced, underpowered service. Sympathetic email
will soon flood in.
10. Tour the sex groups for a while, get really disgusted
by your new interest in viewing pictures of men pissing on
women and then demand that this material should
be censored to protect society.
11a. Jump to any group in the alt.sex.* hierarchy and post a
message claiming you're an underage male looking for sex.
11b. Get a job as a law enforcement officer and perform 11a.
12. Jump to any group in the alt.sex.* hierarchy and claim
to be a female (underage or not, cheerleader or not) looking for sex.
Ignore that your From: line clearly identifies you with a male name.
13. Always operate under the rule of thumb that the more
exclamation (!) marks you post in your subject line, the more
likely a cute girl is going to read your message or the
faster the wise net.sex.wizards are going to post your
request for avi's of Winona Ryder's secret lesbian sex video
she made with Cindy Crawford.
14. Subject lines like "READ THIS", "PLEASE READ THIS!!!!" and
"READ THIS NOW!!!" are sure fire ways of getting your message
read by either cute girls, the wise net.sex.wizards, or people
willing to buy into your fantastic money making "system".
15. Remember all women on the internet are 18, cute, blonde,
bi, large breasted, love anal hard, rough, & fast, and don't
care that you're married with kids.
16. Should you find a woman to engage you in an erotic email
exchange quickly 1) turn the message stream towards bondage,
degradation, & wanting to fuck her like the pig slut she is.
(if she quits replying, hammer her with a lot of email. If
she ignores it, assume she was a lesbian just trying to
piss you off. They do that, you know.) 2) eagerly offer to fly
2000 miles to meet her, promising that you won't at all
expect sex.
17. Assume that users with names like Robin, Jodi, Jean, Kim,
etc. are women and fit the description of point 15. Send them
unsolicited, slobbering email.
18. If someone has posted a picture of his wife or gf to
alt.binaries.pictures.girlfriend, and you didn't find
her appealing, complain and bitch that the woman is ugly,
fat, or has no tits. It makes others want to contribute
their own material.
19. If someone has posted a nudie gif to alt.binaries.pictures.erotica
and you didn't like it because the women wasn't attractive enough,
too small breasted, or reminded you of a woman who left you,
bitch on the group really loud. It makes other want to contribute
their own material.
20. If you blow an upload, try again. If you blow it
a second time. Try it a third time. If you blow it a third
time try it a fourth time. Just keep broadcasting
hundreds of K of junk material until someone emails you
and explains in the clearest, simplest of terms what
exactly you're doing wrong.
21. If you don't understand how to turn binaries into wanking
material, assume your local support rep doesn't know anything
about decoding binaries either and post a "help on decoding
binaries" message to a dozen groups.
22. While your big, flashy provider ("we advertise on the Learning
Channel and include demo disks in magazines") has a heavily
censored message base, Usenet is not. So that means act
like there are no rules whatsoever and do whatever where ever
when ever. Usenet is your oyster, run there with dick in hand,
and gobble it up and don't leave anything for anyone else.
Go for it, tiger.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
english.129dr.grba,
OUT OF THEIR GOURD: Brain surgeons training in Cleveland don't get to
start right away on the real thing. They start with squash. "The
pumpkins simulate the skull and the brain as physicians bore a tiny
hole in the outside pumpkin shell and insert a thin scope into
simulated brain tissue," explains Dr. Alan Cohen of University
Hospitals of Cleveland. The surgeons practice removing seeds from the
pumpkins and, once adept, graduate to cadaver heads and then real
patients. (Reuter) ...Spit those seeds out, doctor. That's a mighty
bad habit to get into.
english.130dr.grba,
REVENGE OF THE PLASTIC PEOPLE: Calling the "Barbie" and her boyfriend
"Ken" dolls a threat to traditional culture, the director of the
Amusement Department at the Iranian-government-sponsored Institute
for the Intellectual Development of Children and Young Adults has
announced "Sara" and her brother "Dara" dolls. The dolls will hit the
market next year after more than two years of development. "Barbie is
an American woman who never wants to get pregnant and have babies.
She never wants to look old and this contradicts our culture," said
Amusement Director Majid Ghaderi, who designed the Islamic dolls.
Despite an import ban, Barbie dolls can easily be found in Tehran
stores, selling for as much as $700 -- seven times the average
monthly salary in Iran. (AP) ...No wonder the dolls are taking so
long to get to market: they have to figure out how to make them have
babies, grow old, and die.
english.131dr.grba,
ROCK-A-BYE BABY: Robert Salazar says he was having sex with one of his
employees on a balcony of a hotel in Industry, Calif., when she
changed her position, lost her balance, and fell eight stories to her
death. The employee, Sandra Orellana, a worker's compensation
insurance specialist, was reportedly not getting along with her boss,
and was considering filing sexual harassment charges against him, her
family says. Police, suspicious of Salazar's story -- and noting he
went to bed after the fall instead of calling for help -- arrested
him for murder, but he was released later for lack of evidence.
Salazar has returned to Houston to his wife and children, while
police have been throwing a dummy off the balcony to help prove -- or
disprove -- his story. (UPI) ...Meanwhile, only the victim was
qualified to rule whether this would be covered under the company's
worker's compensation policy.
english.132dr.grba,
FICKLE FINGER OF FATE: Police in National City, Calif., say Victor
Arreola stopped a van and tried to carjack it. That's when the
driver, still sitting in his seat and fearing for his wife and three
children inside, slammed the door so hard that it severed Arreola's
middle finger. Officers caught up with him at a local hospital, where
they asked him to identify the detached digit. "Yeah, that's my
finger," Arreola said. An officer replied, "You're under arrest for
carjacking." Arreola thought about that for a minute, and said,
"That's not my finger." Meanwhile, a Japanese man has confessed that
he staged his own kidnaping. Toru Adojima, 39, who was being
investigated in a fraud case, disappeared two months ago. His wife
received a ransom note -- and Adojima's little finger. Police found
him in a Tokyo hotel after learning he had gone to a hospital for
pain medication -- he could no longer take the ache in his hand from
the amputation. Police said Adojima admitted cutting off his own
finger and sending it as "proof" of his kidnap, adding he got the
idea from a movie. (Reuter, UPI) ...Good thing he wasn't watching The
Addams Family.
english.133dr.grba,
FORBIDDEN FRUIT: To recreate the moment when a falling apple gave Isaac
Newton the idea of gravity and, subsequently, his three laws of
motion, the U.S. National Institute of Standards and Technology and
Japan's Construction Ministry's Public Works Research Institute had
to work well in advance. Starting with a plan in 1992, the team was
able to procure a sapling from the Newton tree, which was brought to
the Arai, Niigata Prefecture in Summer, 1995. As it finally bore its
first apple, a video camera was set up to catch it falling to the
ground. However, the video didn't capture the recreated moment of
epiphany -- instead, it shows a man walking by the tree, spotting the
apple, picking it, and eating it. (UPI) ...At which point, one of the
scientists asked the man to put the apple on his head for a
recreation of the William Tell story.
english.134dr.grba,
LIFE AFTER DEATH: Two hours into his funeral service, Talayi George
Sogcwe sat up in his coffin. A miraculous recovery? No: he and his
wife faked his death as a test. "I simply wanted to know what people
would say about me when I am dead," he said later. The 65-year-old
Zwide, South Africa, man is happy about the outcome. "I am satisfied
they spoke the truth about me and not lies, as is often the case when
a person is dead." Sogcwe said he would keep the coffin for his real
funeral. (Reuter) ...Which may be held sooner than he thinks.
english.135dr.grba,
TWO THUMBS DOWN: Seven hundred Chinese college students in Hefei, Anhui
province, who paid to see a "sex education film for newlyweds"
destroyed the theater where it was shown because the film's "wedding
night footage" was not as "stimulating" as advertised. Meanwhile, the
first official university-level course in sex education in China is
being offered to 100 students at the Beijing Capital Normal
University. Surveys have shown that many Chinese youths are sexually
active, but a significant percentage of them do not even understand
that it can lead to pregnancy. (Reuter, AP) ...Sex: a) is a fun
pastime to share with a friend, b) is a nasty habit condemned by the
state, c) somehow creates more people nearly a year afterward, d)
none of the above.
english.136dr.grba,
OFFSIDES: A female soccer referee in England is in hot water for
showering after games -- because of the lack of women's facilities,
she showers with the male players. "We are aware that changing
facilities are far from ideal, and that goes for the players too,"
admits Football Association spokesman Colin Squirrel. "I fear the
[Football Association] will try and shut me out and restrict me to
refereeing games only where are separate facilities," said Janet
Fewings, 41. "I hope the players will back me." (Reuter) ...Sure they
will. With a washrag and soap, even.
english.137dr.grba,
WEAPONS 'R' US: A 60-year-old man in Kosianka Trojanowka, Poland, was
very afraid of burglars. Police say he was killed by a booby trap he
installed in his garage as a security device. A demolition squad
dispatched to the house found eight other hidden, deadly traps. "The
police explosives experts said later they felt as if they were
crossing a minefield," a police spokesman said. Meanwhile, U.N.
police in Sarajevo say that a Serb couple having an argument got a
bit carried away. When the woman ran out of the house to a
neighbor's, "the husband followed her with a bazooka," a U.N.
spokesman reports. "He then tried to fire the bazooka at his wife,
missed, and hit his house, causing damage." The man was arrested by
Serbian police on charges of disturbing the peace and possession of
an illegal firearm. (Reuter, 2) ...At least now he can honestly say
he misses her.
english.138nenad,
q: Why do they boil water when a baby's being born?
a: So that if it's born dead, they can make soup.
english.139nenad,
q: How do you fit a thousand dead babies in a phone booth?
a: Use a blender.
q: How do you get them out?
a: With a straw.
english.140dr.grba,
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT: Marcelo Adrian Mendoza, 33, serving
an eight-year sentence in an Argentine prison for an undisclosed
crime, was in court to answer some new charges. He apparently got too
close to his court file: he was able to tear out several pages of
evidence against him and eat them as shocked guards watched. He was
given a one-year sentence for obstructing evidence. (Reuter)
...Anything that comes out of your mouth can be used against you.
english.141dr.grba,
COMMUNITY SERVICE: While Philadelphia city officials were showing a
businessman around a depressed neighborhood, brainstorming on ways to
help the community, a man holding a Bible came up to speak to them.
He first asked if the well-dressed men were policemen. No, they said.
So the man opened his Bible, revealing a hidden compartment from
which he pulled a gun. "In that case, give me your wallets," he
demanded at gunpoint before escaping with cash and credit cards. The
businessman, David Hirsch, was anything but philosophical. "Here we
were, trying to do something to help the community, and this guy
comes up and robs us," he complained. (AP) ..."God helps those who
help themselves." --Poor Richard's Almanack
english.142dr.grba,
KEEP THE TIP: When Steven Jeffrey Raines, 37, walked into a restaurant
in West Palm Beach, Fla., and ordered a drink, the bartender thought
nothing of it. It was when Raines asked the bartender if he would
mind if he counted his money there. "I said, `No, go ahead',"
remembers bartender Chip Welfeld. When Raines dumped a wad of bills
-- $10,000 worth -- on the bar, the suspicious Welfeld called police.
Police confirmed the bartender's suspicions: they say that Raines
stopped by for a drink after robbing two banks in Palm Beach. (AP)
...Nature abhors a vacuum.
english.143dr.grba,
IT IS THE BREAST OF TIMES, IT IS THE WORST OF TIMES: Anya Pencheva, a
leading actress with the National Theatre of Bulgaria, says it's time
for people to stop worrying about the economic crisis there.
Therefore, she is going to put a plaster cast of her breasts on
display in her theater in Sofia. "I was fed up with constant comments
on the currency board so I said one day let's talk busts instead of
boards," she said. "It is a pity to focus everything on the board
when there are such beautiful breasts around." (Reuter) ...That's
what I always say.
english.144nenad,
q: What's the perfect gift for a dead baby?
a: A dead puppy.
english.145dr.grba,
WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL IT DOPE? When Harlan Collinsworth's Coeur
d'Alene, Idaho, house was burglarized, he did what most people do: he
called the police. Officer S.W. Childers arrived to take the report,
and asked Collinsworth what had been stolen. In addition to a VCR,
Collinsworth reported that his stash of marijuana and his bong were
taken. While showing Childers the container where those goodies were
taken from, he told the officer that "the suspect had failed to take
his marijuana pipe," Childers said. "When I asked where it was,
Harlan pulled it from the container." Childers cited Collinsworth for
possession of drug paraphernalia. (AP) ...Childers could have had a
better bust than that. Class 3 stupidity is a felony in Idaho.
english.146dr.grba,
SORRY, WRONG NUMBER: Ana MarDia MartDinez of Cali, Colombia, says she is
going to have to sell her house to help settle a 12-million-peso
phone bill her son, Juan Carlos, ran up. The boy, 12, amassed the
charges by calling phone sex numbers in Israel, Lebanon and Spain. "I
don't know what I'm going to do. I am selling our house but even that
isn't worth 12 million pesos," MartDinez said. Meanwhile, a survey
published in the Colombian magazine Mujer has found that 40 percent
of married women and nearly 70 percent of single women in the country
fake orgasms during sex. "These figures show Colombian women have a
serious problem," a psychoanalyst wrote in an accompanying article.
"They show sexual dissatisfaction as well as significant inhibitions
and mental barriers." (Reuter, 2) ...Well of course they're
dissatisfied. Look how their men learn about sex.
english.147dr.grba,
JUST IN TIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS: Rowena Starling was sick of nagging her
children."Finally, it just hit me like a ton of bricks," she said.
"Why don't I record this?" Now, the Berkeley, Calif., woman is
selling CDs of her nagging, titled "I'll Say It Again", for $11.95 a
copy. A sample: "Stop that noise! Stop that noise! Stop that noise!
Stop that noise! Stop that noise!" Other cuts include "Clean Your
Room!", "Take Out the Trash!" and "Mow the Lawn!" (AP) ...I'll bet
they obey "Turn Off the CD Player!" the quickest.
english.148dr.grba,
BOYS IN BLUE STRIPES: Kevin Carter, 21, and Michael Harrison, 26, have
been charged with second-degree murder, attempted murder and armed
robbery after an incident in a Boynton Beach, Fla., jewelry store
went bad. The men allegedly staged the robbery because they needed
$2,500 so they could pay the tuition at the Palm Beach Community
College police academy. "He actually said, `I guess I can't become a
police officer now'," Detective Ray Schilke said after interviewing
Carter. Schilke thought Carter was kidding, but Carter's mother
confirmed the story, noting her son has wanted to be a policeman
since he was a teen. "That's all he talked about," she said. (AP)
...Actions speak louder than words.
english.149dragoljub,
DESCRIBE THE TOWN YOU LIVE IN
My town is very beatiful. His name is New Belgrad. In New Belgrad is
Bežanija. In Bežanija I live. In New Belgrad is Sava Centar.
New Belgrad is in Belgrad. Belgrad is kapital town of Yugoslawia. In
Belgrad live 1014568 man. In Belgrad is very much Kino. Near Belgrad is
Avala. Belgrad have two beautiful river: Donau and Sava. In Belgrad is
Kalemegdan and in his is Victorys. In Belgrad have very much Museum: "25
May"... Belgrad have beautiful street: Knez Mihajlovu, Maršala Tita... Man
in Belgrad is very good, every days hilfe seconds man. Belgrad is very
cleaner. My big love is Belgrad, he is my home my swet home in his is my
life because I never not go for Belgrad. Belgrad is very, very (u ovom
trenutku je zvonilo)
(Rad moga druga, na zadatu temu, na času engleskog, u osmom razredu
osnovne škole. Čik prevedite. Potebno je i znanje nemačkog ;)
english.150nenad,
-> #149, dragoljub> Man in Belgrad is very good, every days hilfe seconds man.
Ovo ide u antologoju. :) Kako beše onaj natpis na hotelu u
Grčkoj: "Here speak English very good"? :))
ps. Šta je dobio na pismenom? ;)
english.151dragoljub,
-> #150, nenad> ps. Šta je dobio na pismenom? ;)
Minus četiri ;) Ceo sastav je podvučen crvenom olovkom, osim ponekog
_and_ i _in_ ;)
english.152n.ceh,
-> #149, dragoljub
Dr> My town is very beatiful. His name is New Belgrad. In New
Dr> Belgrad is Bezanija. In Bezanija I live. In New Belgrad is Sava Centar.
...
Dr> is my home my swet home in his is my life because I never not go for
Dr> Belgrad. Belgrad is very, very (u ovom trenutku je zvonilo)
A koji je to razred, ako smem da pitam? Meni deluje kao 3-4 osnovne skole?
Ako je neki kasniji, ovo bi stvarno bila bruka...
Ceh.
english.153ruzicic,
-> #149, dragoljubUzmi ubi pa se pistolj!!
CICA BAZZA
english.154jvujnic,
An elephant to a naked man: " How can you breathe through that thing?"
english.155pifat,
U poslednje vreme se na Mreži viđaju kojekakve virusne "patke",
obično veoma dramatično intonirane. Evo jedne, koja može zaista da
nasmeje, ali ne sumnjam da bi se našlo i dosta "pacijenata" koji bi
smesta poslušali "savet" :)))
There is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internet.
If you receive an e-mail message with the subject line "Free
Money," DO NOT read the message. DELETE it immediately, UNPLUG
your computer, then BURN IT to ASHES in a government-approved
toxic waste disposal INCINERATOR.
Once a computer is infected, it will be TOO LATE. Your computer
will begin to emit a vile ODOR. Then it will secrete a foul,
milky DISCHARGE. Verily, it shall SCREECH with the tortured,
monitor-shattering SCREAM of 1,000 hell-scorched souls, drawing
unwanted attention to your cubicle from co-workers and
supervisors alike. After violently ripping itself from the wall,
your computer will punch through your office window as it STREAKS
into the night, HOWLING like a BANSHEE. Once free, it will spend
the rest of its days TORTURING household PETS and MOCKING the
POPE.
Some filthy, disgusting miscreant ... some no-good, low-down,
good-for-nothing DIRTY SNAKE, in twisted pursuit of her own
sadistic dreams, is sending this virus across the Net via an e-
mail entitled "Free Money." What is so terrifying about this
virus is that you do not even to have to open the e-mail for it
to activate. In fact, you do not even need to RECEIVE the e-
mail. You do not even need to OWN a COMPUTER. "Free Money" can
infect even minor HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES.
How it does this with straight ASCII code is, frankly, a matter
of some debate ... but BELIEVE YOU US, if this weren't a SERIOUS
situation, we wouldn't be discussing it in ALL CAPS.
So for the LOVE OF GOD, forward this e-mail to all those you
claim to care about, all those you purport to love. Don't do it
later! Do it NOW! Now! Now! NOW! NOW! NOW!
english.156obren,
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome
prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A
night of tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is.
Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored
six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my
bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was
walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid
out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake
with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down
in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with
his penis.
english.157obren,
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a
street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house
on the other side of the street. First they see two people going
into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons
coming out of the house.
The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate.". The Biologist
concludes: "They have reproduced". The Mathematician says: "Now if
another person enters the house, it'll be empty again."
english.158madamov,
One year, at Duke, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and
who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs,
etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two
friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before
finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they
decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So
they did this and had a great time.
However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day
Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find the Professor
after the final and explain to him why they missed the final.
They told him that they went up to UV for the weekend, and had planned to
come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way
back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so
were late getting back to campus.
The professor thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the
final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.
So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that the
professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed
each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the
first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and
was worth 5 points.
"Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and
then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on
the next page. It said:
(95 points) Which tire?
english.159nenad,
SAVE OUR SCREENS!
Your crusty friend just got the news from one of his field
reporters confirming what he's thought all along: Many of
Microsoft's Senior Systems Engineers can't walk and chew gum at
the same time.
Here's the scene. Crusty's reporter was presenting at a
conference in Washington, DC, along with Netscape and Microsoft.
His presentation went well, he was selling the intranet concept
to the feds and they were eating it up. He was followed by
Microsoft. That's when the trouble started: "While the Senior
Systems Engineer from Microsoft was giving his presentation, all
of a sudden the overhead screen goes blank. Total blackout. Now,
the overhead system is really cool -- some high-powered projector
at the top of this room that's an amphitheater beaming down to a
huge screen. The room holds about 200 people.
"The Microsoft guy, trying to recover from this snafu, continues
doing his presentation without any slides showing -- he's just
going off the top of his head while all these technicians start
running around all over the place trying to find out what the
hell is wrong with the system. No one can fix the problem. [They]
can't find the 'bug.' [After] about five minutes of this running
around, scratching [their] heads, etc. this dorky, pre-pubescent
looking kid wearing headphones walks into the amphitheater and
lumbers over to the PC and keyboard. The Microsoft Senior Systems
Engineer (the head guy who's putting on the conference) and a
couple of other folks are just standing there staring at the
hardware in front of them dumbfounded.
"[Then] the dorky kid takes one look at the setup, touches a key
on the keyboard, and, voila, de-activates the screen saver! The
place was on the floor!"
Crusty notes that Microsoft seems to be hiring a lot of folks in
the Senior Systems Engineer category these days. One hopes that
knowledge of the trickeries of screen savers are on the
requirements list. Along with walking and chewing gum.
english.161miskop,
Description: A Letter Home
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if
you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from
you.
Love,
Your $on.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even
an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a
NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
english.164miskop,
*File Description: I am the Very Model of a Modern Teenage Cyberpunk*
I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk
I rent my own apartment and it's full of electronic junk
I own a VAX, a 486, I've even got a PDP
I've finished Myst and Doom but I am stumped by Wing Commander III
I'm very well aquainted too with matters pornographical
I have a list of image sites, both overseas and national
So if you want to see a picture of that Anna Nichole Smith
I'll fire up my terminal and fetch for you a naughty GIF
I'm totally an anarchist, the government I'd like to wreck,
Though if they were to get blown up, who'd give to me my welfare cheque?
In short if you need answers that concern your electronic junk,
I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk
I know the ancient myths about RTM, Pengo and Mitnick
I 'hack' into computers and I then perform a credit check
I scare all my non-hacker friends with tales of cracker theivery
and even though I'm spouting crap they'll listen and believe in me
I've learned to spot a troll and I've seen flames about the way I spell,
I've traced badly forged cancels and seen napalm poured on AOL
I've laughed at all the newbies and their flailing cries of "You all Suck!"
I've been flamed by Carasso, with an anvil I have then been struck
I've hung around in alt.tasteless and seen war waged on rec.pets.cats
I've spent my time in talk.bizarre and used those stupid Relay Chats
In short, if you need answers that concern your electronic junk,
I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk
Well postings like "MAKE.MONEY.FAST", I am now somewhat wary at,
I have been "Global Killfiled" by the Joel Furr Commissariat,
When rosebud posts a lengthy rant 'bout Microsoft she swears is true,
I know that she is just another short lived kook without a clue
When I have learnt what progress has been made upon the Internet,
When I know something more than just a smattering of netiquette,
In short when I can have a world-wide soapbox on which I can stand
I've got no time for other things, like beer and trips to Disneyland
My life outside the Internet is very very sad you see
I cannot get my spots to fade, my social life's a tragedy,
But still if you need answers that concern your electronic junk,
I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk.
english.165miskop,
HOW TO HANDLE STRESS
1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
2. Use your MasterCard to pay your VISA bill.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says, "Have a nice day!", tell them you have other plans.
5. During your next meeting, sneeze and then loudly suck the plegm
back down your throat.
6. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
7. Make a list of things you have already done.
8. Dance naked in front of pets.
9. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to
pre-school as if nothing was wrong.
10. Thumb through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
11. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in them. Return them the next day.
12. Drive to work in reverse.
13. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
14. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you.
15. Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room.
16. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and
ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.
english.166miskop,
Once upon a time, I had a nice girl.
Once upon a girl, I had a nice time.
english.167nenad,
Cartoon Laws of Physics
Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until
made aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.
He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he
chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle
of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until
solid matter intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot,
cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that
only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their
forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this
sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a
perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is
the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions
and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they
exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a
cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or
matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories
is greater than or equal to the time it takes for
whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty
flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to
capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
Cartoon Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to
propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky
noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion
upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or
the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is
running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch
the ground, especially when in flight.
Cartoon Law VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at
once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which
a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud
of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect
is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being
throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self-
replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off
walls to achieve the velocity required.
Cartoon Law VII
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to
resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations,
but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on
a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to
pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is
flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into
the painting.
This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Cartoon Law VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is
impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional
nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated,
spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or
disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few
moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate,
snap back, or solidify.
Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
Cartoon Law IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.
Cartoon Law X
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite
revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also
applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we
need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
Cartoon Law Amendment A
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.
When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object
(usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting
straight up, with great velocity.
Cartoon Law Amendment B
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool"
characters.
Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously
nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will.
For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to
express himself without speaking.
Cartoon Law Amendment C
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.
They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.
Cartoon Law Amendment D
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large
wavelengths.
Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the behavior
of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet
will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As
the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall,
causing the neck to strech. As the head begins to fall,
tension is released and the canine will resume its regular
proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.
Cartoon Law Amendment E
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces"
(spaces in which cartoon laws hold).
The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the
universe which postulated that the tensions involved in
maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen
from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized)
and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic
forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool"
characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of
this law), who are able to use said quanta to their
advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and
energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A
big bang indeed.
english.168nenad,
A evo i originala... :)
High Tech on the Green
Four international businessmen are on the golf course, and
there is a ringing sound. The Canadian guy goes to his golf bag,
pulls out his cellular phone and talks for a minute with his
office. "Very important to be in touch these days," he says.
"Yes," his golfing partners agree.
A little bit later, a different ring is heard, and the
American golfer holds his hand up to his head (as if to imitate
talking on the phone) and starts talking in what is clearly a
real conversation. After the call he explains to his friends,
"It's the very latest in cellular technology--a speaker is
attached to my thumb, and a microphone to my pinky. You can't
even tell I have it on."
A couple of holes later, a different, muted, ringing sound
is heard, and the German businessman in the foursome stands erect
and begins talking, again an obviously real conversation. When
finished he explains, "This really is the latest in cellular
technology. A speaker is implanted in my ear, and a microphone in
the backside of a front tooth. I just stand at attention to
talk."
Suitably impressed, the foursome continues their game.
Suddenly, the Japanese golfer excuses himself and ducks behind a
bush. After he doesn't re-appear for several minutes, the
American golfer goes to make sure he is okay. He finds him behind
the bushes squatting down with his pants around his ankles.
"Is everything okay?" asks the American.
"Yes," replies the Japanese golfer, "If you could just give
me a minute here, I'm expecting a fax..."
english.169nenad,
Kad bi ljudi kupovali automobile kao što kupuju kompjutere... :)
What if people bought cars like they buy computers?
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who
don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like
they buy computers - but imagine if they did...
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing
happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your
battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have
to know all of these technical terms just to use
my car?"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a
needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is
the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."
HELPLINE: "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.
CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.
HELPLINE: "A 'V'?!?"
CUSTOMER: "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then
a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."
HELPLINE: "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When
you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the
panel I'm talking about."
CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round
thing that honks the horn?"
HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things."
CUSTOMER: "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor
and purchase some more gasoline. You can install
it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for
you."
CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell
me that I have to keep buying more components? I
want a car that comes with everything built in!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the
accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It
worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and
now it won't even start up!"
HELPLINE: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if
you misuse the product."
CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just following this damned
manual of yours. It said to make the car go to
put the transmission in 'D' and press the
accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did
--now the damn thing's crashed."
HELPLINE: "Did you read the entire operator's manual before
operating the car sir?"
CUSTOMER: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did
EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!"
HELPLINE: "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh! How do you do THAT?"
HELPLINE: "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on
page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."
CUSTOMER: "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read
this manual you know."
HELPLINE: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about
it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions
that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your
car because it has automatic transmission,cruise
control, power steering, power brakes, and power
door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go
places in my car!"
english.170nenad,
Najkompletnija verzija koju sam video. :)
Girlfriend 4.0
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to
GirlFriendPlus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he
upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog
leaving few system resources for other applications. It has taken
all his space, Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do
anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife1.0 came with
Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.
He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning
Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources.
No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the
product documentation, though other users have informed me that
this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always
launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other
system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 ,
Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on
the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched
(even though the apps worked fine before).
Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation
of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the
Brother-in-law Beta was unavoidable. Also, system performance
seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
Shutdown feature
A "don't remind me again" button.
Minimize button.
Ability to delete the "headache" file
An install feature that provides an option to uninstall
2.0 version without loss loss of other system resources.
An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous
mode" allowing the the system's Hardware Probe feature
to be much more useful/effective.
An install shield feature so that Wife 2.0 can be
completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose
cache and other objects)
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches
associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even
here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot
install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must
uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of
Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port.
Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem
that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what
happened to versions 1 and 2.
Another thing that sucked in all versions of GirlFriend that I've
used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supported
hardware with gold plated contacts. That feature is still here.
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for GirlFriend 4.0
doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the
application in the system. Another identified problem is that all
versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the
advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!
All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug.
If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0,
Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall
itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you
will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the
aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different
system and _never_ run any file transfer applications(such as
Laplink) between the two systems.
FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!
english.171boccio,
Vicevi o crncima skinuti sa White Power! sajta ;>>>>>
jokes.txtenglish.172chadra,
Your Momma snaps
Your mamma is so fat when she steped on the scale it said her phone
number
Yo mama so fat, she needs a travel agent to find her asshole
Yo Momma's so fat when she went bungee jumping she went straight
to hell.
Yo momma's so ugly, her parents fed her by mail.
Yo' mama's so fat 2pac spent most of his life tryin' to get around
her.
Mamas like a harware store....10 cent screws.
Your mama is so black she sweats coffee
Yo mamma so rough, she gargle wit peanut butter
Your mother's so rough, she can eat iron and shit BMWs.
Yo momma so poor she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other
peoples fingers!
Your mother is llike a bubble-gum machine--five cents a blow.
Your mother is like a hair dryer--turn her on and she blows.
I could have been your father, but the line was too long.
Your girl is so loose, she has two-for-one dollar days.
Yo Mamaz so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone.
I'm jealous cuz your mom gots a bigger dick than I do.
Yo mama's so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale.
Yo' Mamma is so stupid that she got stabbed in a shootout!
Yo mamma so fat her clit has a knee.
Your mamma's so poor ...she can't even PAY attention.
Man yo' momma so stupit the last time she used a vibrator her
two front teeth broke.
You so stupid you threw a baseball at batman.
Yer moms so stank the bitch used secret and it told on her.
Yer mom so stank she used right gaurd and it went left.
Yer moms so stank she used sure and it said "I don't know".
Yer moms house so dirty, I saw the roaches using matchbox u-hauls
to move out.
Yer moms house so dirty, I went there and saw 5 roaches on the
coffe table forming VOLTRON.
The only difference between yer mom and a 747 is that not everybody
has been on a 747.
Yer moms so old, I told the bitch to act her age and she dropped dead
Yo mamma so fat when she tries to roll out of bed in the morning she
rocks herself back to sleep
Yo mama so bald when she wears a turtle-neck she looks like a
busted condom!
Your momma so poor she eats cereal with a fork to save milk
Yo sister's so skinny she makes kate moss look like Rosanne Barr
Your mama is so old she farts dust.
Your mama is so fat her blood type is ragu.
Your mama is like a pirates treasure
Mamas soooo ugly she walked into a haunted house and came out with
a pay check.
Mama is like a roll of toilet paper.... Roll er out User and
throw er out.
Mamas sooo hairy she has fros on er nipples
You iz so stupid dat when the movie said "no one under 17 allowed"
you went home and got 16 of your friends.
You iz so dumb dat you got fired from the M&M factory for throwing
out the W's
Your mama's so fat that when she took a bath she left a ring around
the world
Your mamma is so ugly she go in a haunted house and come out wit
a job application
Yo mamma so stupid, she thought MCI was a rapper.
Yo momma is so hairy, she got cornrolls on her back
Yo momma is so horny she can fuck the crack of dawn.
Your momma so fat, that when she puts on her B.V.D.'s it spells
out BOULEVARD.
Yo momma is so fat when she got in the car it became a low rider
Yo momma's so old she knew Mr. Clean when he had an afro!
Your mother is so horny, her vibrator comes with dual airbags.
Your mother is so hunchbacked, she has to wear goggles to take a piss.
Your mother is so stank, when she holds her farts it makes her
breath smell like shit.
Your mother is so hairy, she shaves with a weedwacker.
Your ass is so big, you get shit stains on your coller.
Your mothers ass is so big, she rents it out as a bus stop.
Your girl is like a twinkie--always pumped full of cream.
Your mother is like an elephant in bed, 'cuse i fuck her for peanuts.
Your mothers lips are so big, she can kiss her own ass.
Yo Mamaz teeth are so yellow when she smiles traffic stops.
Yo Mamaz breath is so stank people look foward to her farts.
Yo Mamaz so fat da bitch stepped on da scale and it said to be
continued.
Yo teeth are so big it look like yo mama had a affair wit Mr.Ed
Yo mama is so fat, when she cross the street, she got a ticket
for obstructing traffic
Your mama's so old the bitch smells like two-hundred year old
wolf pussy.
Your mama's so fat the bitch got shot and bled chocolate milk.
Your mama's got wooden tit's and breast feeds beavers.
Your so ugly when you jerk off your hands try to go to sleep.
Your mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a damn pack
of hotdogs.
Your mama's so old the bitch owes jesus food stamps.
Your breath smells so bad the ice cream man gave her a listerine
popsicle
You so poor I went to your house and asked "where's the bathroom"
yo mom said "upstairs second bucket to the right".
You so poor I went to yo house and lit a ciggarette and yo moms
chanted "clap yo' hands stomp yo feet praise the lord we got heat".
Yo momma so stank she uses black flag as deodarant.
Yo moms just like the police she rolls up and parks anywhere
Ya, Ya ma, Ya mama so dumb . . . . She delivered one kid and called
it singlets!
Yo mamma so fat chap stick had to invent a spray.
Yo moms is so good at swallowing she made the phrase 'Melts in
your mouth, not in your hands'
Yo mama's like a goalie she changes pads every three periods.
Yo mama's so fat her drivers license picture says continued on
other side.
Yo mama's like a race car she goes through 30 rubbers a day
Yo peeps are so po, they be make'n the roaches up in da crib pay rent.
Yo momma's so fat, she sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out!
Yo momma is so UGLY her Rice Krispies won't even talk to her.
Yo momma so fat, when she play hopscotch, it goes like dis...
New York, LA, Chicago, Miami
Yo mom's is so nasty, she has to put ice in her panties to keep
the crabs fresh!
Yo' mom's is so dumb she thought "cumshot" was a bullet!
Yo momma sucks dick so good, I had to pull the sheets out my ass.
Yo momma's every carpenters dream.........Flat as a board and easy
to nail.
Yo momma's teeth so ugly, When she smiles, I don't know whether to
smile back or kick a feild goal.
Yo momma's so stupid, she got locked in a convertible and couldn't
get out
Ya mama's so dumb, she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phon
company
Yo momma is so fat, she has to get out of the car to shift gears
Your Mom's so fat she was standing on a street corner and a
cop walked over to her and said "Alright, alright, everybody break
it up."
Yo mama breath so bad that she goes to the dentist and gets her
teeth cleened and her breath pulled
Your mom is so fat that whens she wears a Malcolm X shirt,
helicopters think SHE'S the landing pad!
Your momma's so fat and ugly when she goes bungee jumping they
think it's God walking his dog!
Your momma's so fat that when trying on clothes, only thing that
fits her is the dressing room!
Your momma's teeth are so yellow, when she smile at street signs
all the cars slow down!
You better shut up before I change the combination on my zipper
and make you starve to death.
When yo mamma sits around the house she sit's AROUND tha house
Yo moma glasses so thick she see into the future.
Yo moma so fat, we in her right now!
Yo moma got a green afro and she thinks she's a tree
I coulda been yo momma, bu tha person infront of me had exact
change
Yo mamma so fat , when she takes her panties off, there's still
pussy in it
Your mamma's sucks so much dick ... she can sell her spit to a
sperm bank.
Your mamma's so horney ... she goes to church just to hear the organ.
Your mamma's teeth are so yellow ... I just can't believe
it's not butter.
Your mamma's so fat ... when I got on top of her my ears popped
Yo' mama so old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper
Yo momma so fat, dat when she goes to the beach all da kids be
yellin' "FREE WILLY!!"
Yo mama so black when she puts vaseline on her skin the bitch
look like patent leather.
Yo mama so stupid she had a tampon on her ear talkin bout she
can't find her pencil
Yo mommaz so fat its easier to go over the bitch than around
Yo mamma so fat, she got more chins than a Hong Kong phonebook!
Yo' mama got no legs talkin' bout' her favorite is stand up comedy
Yo mammy glasses are so thick, when she looks into a map she
sees people waving at her
Yo momma so fat the bitch would of been on E.T. but when she
rode the bike across the moon she caused an eclipse
Yo mama's so loose when she sits on a bar stool she falls
on da floor
Yo mommaz got no legs, she's talkin about "let's kick it".
Yo daddy so old dat he got to stick his dick in da freezer to
make his dick hard
Yo moma stink so bad she smells like potpouri piss
Yo mom's so short she does backflips under the bed
Yo momz don't have any legs and her underarms are always kicking
Yo momma so ugly, my lunn fell off.
Your momma is so dam dirty that shes the one that started the
disease aids
Your mama's such a slut she calls her husband "Daddy!"
Yo momma's so big she flosses her teeth with a rope.
Yo momma's so stupid she failed homeroom.
Yo momma's so old Lincoln emancipated her.
Yo momma's so slow she gets outrun by snails.
Yo momma's so dark she can't tell whether her eyes are open or closed.
Yo momma's so fat she paints her toenails with icing.
Yo momma's so fat she wears convertibles for roller-skating.
Yo momma's so old her breath killed off the dinosaurs.
Yo momma's so stupid she made a deposit at a sperm bank.
Yo momma's so bad she makes Hitler look like the Pope.
Yo momma's so crazy she makes Michael Jackson look normal
Yo mamma eats so much food her lunchbox has wheels on it
Yo' mama so fat when she got on a bus it turned in to a LOW-RIDER!
Yo' mama's so fat when she went to Sea World they wouldn't let
her in cuz they were afraid she'd all the fishes and SHAMU!
Yo mama so stupid, she thought an AK47 was a math problem
Yo momma has a glass eye with a fish in it
Yo momma so fat she uses two greyhounds for rollerblades!
Ya momma so fat, she gets skin wedgies.
Ya momma so fat, she don't buy one advent calendar and eat the
twenty-five chocolates, she buys twenty-five advent calendars and
eats the boxes.
Ya momma so stupid, she thought a law suit was something to wear
to court.
Ya momma so fat, she don't eat subway sandwiches, she eat the subway!
Ya momma so fat, she got Shamu and Orca wantin' to take pictures
with her
Yo mamaz so fat her belt size is equater.
Yo mamaz so fat after sex I rolled over 3 timez and I was still on
tha bitch.
Yo mamaz so nasty she has to creep up on the bath water.
Yo mamaz so skinny she has 2 run around in tha shower juss to git wet.
Yo mamaz like a human basketball hoop, everyone triez to put
their ballz in
Yo momma so hairy, her breasts feel like coconuts
Yo mamma's so short, you can see her feet on her driver's liscense
Yo moms is so dark, when she gets out of the car the oil light goes on
Your momma is so short she smoke marijuana to get high
You so ugly, when you were born the doctor took one look and
smacked yo' mamma!
Yo' mamma so fat, her ass has its own zip code!
Tell yo' mamma to stop changing her lip stick! My dog got a rainbow
colored dick!
Yo momma iz so dirty, last time she had a bath she found the
t-shirt that she used for P.E at school
Yo momma is so fat that when she wears a yellow raincoat people
scream TAXI!!! TAXI!!!
Yo momma is so old the bitch dreams in black and white
Your moms is so fat a little kid yelled "HEY KOOL-AID!" and the
bitch jumped through a brick wall!
Your moms got no feet talkin about "I'm gonna run for president!"
Your moms so tall she can sit on the London bridge and soak her feet!
Yo momma so dark that when she goes to night classes she gets
counted absent
Yo mama so old, she was at the first day of slavery
Yo momma so stank, she cut the string off the tampon to keep
the crabs from bungee jumpin'
Yo mama like a lollypop every one gets a lick!
Yo mama is so dirty, she gave me an ear infection thru the
telephone!
Yo mumma iz so dirty, she can pull a fish skeleton outta
between her leg
Yo mama's so old, she went to antique shop, and they kept her
Yo momma so dumb, she stuck a phone up her ass to get the booty call
Yo mama's so easy, everyone calls her the living matress.
Yo mama's so fat, I rolled off her and kept on rollin
Yo mama is so fat that when she sat on a quarter she gave
George Washington a nose bleed
Yo momma like rocky road ice cream...she gots nuts and cream!
Yo moms is so strong she can blow bubbles with Now & Laters!
Yo mamma is so slutty she can suck start a harley
Ya mama so skinny her nipples touch
Yo moma so nasty her parents had to feed her with a sling shot.
Yo moma so fucking fat her blood type is Crisco
Yo momma's so stupid she put on a maxi with wings and thought
she could fly!
Yo momma's glasses are so thick, when she look at a map she sees
people waving.
Yo mom's like a bus, with the correct change, anyone can ride her
Yo mommas butts so big she shits submarines!
Yo mama so stupid she sold her house to buy furniture
Your moma is so fat when I make love to her, her arse got burnt
on the lightbulb
Yo momma so stupid she got fired from a blow job.
Yo momma so ugly she had to get you drunk to breast feed you.
Yo moms so ugly she make's an onion cry
english.173dr.grba,
Prebirao sam po arhivi, pa naleteo na nešto. Poruka je imala pravu
snagu u vreme zenita BBS sistema... Ovo je kačeno na Sezam pre više od
tri godine, mnogi od vas nisu skloni preturanju starih poruka, pa neka
mi bude oprošteno što ću ovde obesiti (: dve ne baš kratke poruke.
Šta biva kada mama i tata kupe sinu računar i modem (:
Here we go (:
PART I
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
I am a new uzer. I am ate yearz old and I have just gotten my
first modem. I like to download lotsa files as long as you don't
hafta upload in return. Pleez give me access on your bord.
Joe Blow.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
I have given you minimal access in the kiddie file and message
areas. We suggest that you learn to spell and learn your proper place
in this community before attempting higher levels of access.
SysOp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
I kant figure out how to D/L [note user's discovery of BBS
abbreviations]. I have tried to use XModem with no sucsess, and then
I tried ZModem and everything went kablooie. Please help me so that I
can download your good filez.
Joe Blow.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
You're an idiot, but we like you. We think you have potential.
I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to teach you how to use
the file section, but you're going to learn to use it by UPLOADING
[imagine teary-eyed face cringed with fear at this prospect]. Next
time you log on, page me to chat and I'll show you how to upload a
file.
The SysOp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
Okay.
Joe Blow
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[ Transcript of first chat with SysOp follows ]
Select [M, F, E, C, P, G]: P
Paging your SysOp! . . . . . . .
The SysOp is here!
Hello, Joe!
NO CARRIER [ Joe hangs up, torn with fear ]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[ Transcript of second chat with SysOp follows ]
Select [M, F, E, C, P, G]: P
Paging your SysOp! . . . . . . .
The SysOp is here!
Hello, Joe!
[ Long pause ]
Heelo.
Do you want me to show you how to upload, now?
[ Another pause ]
Yes.
Okay...I'll walk you through it.
Exiting chat ...
Select [M, F, E, C, P, G]: F
Select [U, D, C, L, F, S]: C
Change to which area? 1
Changing to upload area (1).
Select [U, D, C, L, F, S]: U
Select a protocol
<X> XModem
<Y> YModem
<Z> ZModem
The SysOp is here!
Okay, Joe. Tell your program you want to upload by pressing PgUp when
you want to start the transfer.
Exiting chat ...
Select [X, Y, Z]: X
Enter filename to upload: APROGRAM.ZIP
Begin your upload procedure...
1 file(s) transfered successfully!
The SysOp is here!
See, that wasn't so hard, was it?
Nnno.
Well, to download, you do the same thing in reverse.
Okay! Cool!
By the way, what was it you uploaded, anyway?
I don't know...I got it from one of my friends. It's something called
a virus.
NO CARRIER
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
I looked at the program you uploaded. If you ever upload a virus
again, I'll kill you slowly, and your little dog too. You have a lot
to learn, kid.
The mildly pissed SysOp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PART II (one year later)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
I uploaded those files you asked me for. My upload ratio is now
better than my download ratio. Can you pleez let me in on some of the
better file areas?
Joe
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
Okay. I think you deserve it. I'm going to let you into some of
the other file areas.
By the way, don't upload anything that has the words "cracked by"
on it anymore. I could get in big trouble.
By the way, a protocol is a way to transfer files, not a matter
of etiquette.
The SysOp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
Okay. I just thought you might like that game. Something about
those Amazon Women just appeeled to me.
Joe
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
You skip school to call here, don't you? Can't you call
somewhere else for a change?
The SysOp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
You mean there are other BBSes out there? Why didn't you tell me
about them before?
Joe Blow
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
You never were this annoying before. Try the "Weirdo's
Hideaway", 555-6543.
The SysOp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[ The user does not call for 7 weeks, as he discovers other BBSes ]
[ Eventually, he decides to call back and batch upload all the warez]
[ That he collected on his leech festivals ]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
I learned how to phreak last week! It's a lot of phun and you
don't have to pay when you download philes [ it is obvious that the
kid has been calling California boards, where they spell all "f"
sounds with "ph"]. Among the warez I'm uploading to you is a program
called Code Thief. It will help you phreak too!
Joe
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
Phreaking is a bad business. Don't you think they can figure out
where those calls you are making are coming from? They can. I
suggest you stop before you get yourself and your parents in trouble.
Your SysOp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
What's wrong with phreaking? It's not like it's illegal or
anything.
Joe.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
You're so full of shit, you stink.
Your SysOp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
One of my friends that I met on a board in California [ see! we
told you ] had something happen to him called "getting busted." What
does that mean?
Joe
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
It means that he was arrested. Probably for phreaking. He'll
probably tell the feds that you phreak too in order to get a lighter
sentence. You're fucked, kid. In fact, I'll probably delete you from
here in case the feds start sniffing around.
The SysOp.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[ When the kid logs on next, he sees the following message ]
Two four six eight, who do we appreciate?
NOT YOU, NOT YOU, YEAH!
Your access has been lowered to sub absolute zero. You are nothing.
You can do nothing. Don't ever call here again or we'll shoot you
with lime jello and throw you in a bathtub with Roseanne Barr.
NO CARRIER
Just kidding.
NO CARRIER <click!>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PART III
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[ About a month later, the kid calls the board under an assumed name ]
[ By assumed name, I mean that the SysOp can do nothing but assume ]
[ that it's the little leech. ]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
I am a new user and would like lots of access so I can upload and
download. I don't use message bases because I think they're stupid.
Joe Blow
[ the kid realizes his mistake in putting his real name and tries in ]
[ vain to use the message editor so he can remove his name and put ]
[ in his alias ]
***
[ He fails miserably and winds up with: ]
Joe Blow Assumed Name How the Hell???? NO CARRIER
W d
h i I ?
a d o
t d
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
Dear SysOp:
What do you mean? I am a new modem user. I have never called a
BBS before.
Assumed Name.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Assumed/Joe/Whatthefuckeveryournameis:
You're a little liar. Go to hell and don't ever call here again
or I'll rape your sister.
Eat me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
My sister's only 5 years old.
[ SysOp breaks into chat ]
The SysOp is here!
That's all the better. I'll bring my shoehorn!!!
[ Line noise, SysOp is screaming into phone with the wind of the big ]
[ bad wolf ]
NO CARRIER
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PART IV, in which the kid stops calling the board for a time to lay
low. In the interim, the feds have come to his house to question him.
He cracks under their interrogation and spills everything. The little
shit names the BBS he has been calling for the last two years as his
favorite computer hang out. How stupid. He must be a cabbage or
something.
After cracking under the pressure of the FBI he calls the SysOp to
warn him and to make ammends. He fails miserably. NO CARRIER.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[ After several attempts at logging on under his real name (which has ]
[ been locked out of the system) he uses the name John Smith (how ]
[ original...remember the cabbage?) and leaves a message to the ]
[ SysOp ]
Dear SysOp:
I just thought I'd warn you that someone tipped the feds off
about your board and that they'll be coming to question you about your
illegal activities. Maybe you should go into hiding.
Joe Blow,
Shit...how do you edit a line...fuck fuck fuck.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
You little prick!!!!!! What the hell did you tell them. I don't
run no illegal board. I think I'll shoot you AND rape your sister and
kill your little dog, too. As a matter of fact, I'm on my way. Shit,
there's a knock at the door. It BETTER not be the feds.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PART V, in which the kid and the SysOp make a court appearance and
exchange heated words.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The courtroom is filled with credit card frauders and phreakers,
much to the SysOp's dismay because it makes him look bad. The only
thing that keeps going through his mind (driving him nuts) is "Good
morning, the worm, your honor." He wishes he had a shotgun so he could
shoot the kid. He does, however, have his shoehorn.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PROSECUTOR: Mr. SysOp, you have a user on your BBS system named Joe
Blow, is this correct.
SYSOP : No, I used to, but I locked the little shit out.
DEFENSE : Objection your honor, he's a little prick, not a little
shit.
JUDGE : Sustained. Mr. SysOp, I will kindly ask you to keep your
answers truthful.
[ Welcome to hell. How DO you like it??????? ]
KID : I'm not either of those things!
JUDGE,
PROSECUTOR,
DEFENSE,
SYSOP,
in unison : YES YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!
[ the kid shuts up ]
KID : He sells stolen credit cards!
JUDGE : Is this true, Mr. SysOp?
SYSOP : Absolutely not! The kid's a liar!
PROSECUTOR: Your honor, we would like a recess to build a case
against Mr. SysOp.
SYSOP : WHAT? You're going to believe this little fucker?
DEFENSE : OBJECTION!
JUDGE : Sustained! The court has already established that the
little fucker is a little prick.
DEFENSE : Your honor, we move for a mistrial!
JUDGE : Fuck you, this court is in recess.
[ The trial drags on and the kid's parents are finded copious amounts]
[ of money, and the SysOp goes to jail for credit card fraud because ]
[ the kid couldn't think of anything else to say about the SysOp to ]
[ save his ass. ]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
EPILOGUE
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two years later, the SysOp got out of jail, but was promptly sent
back on charges of raping a seven-year old girl, shooting the kid, and
killing a little dog. He was sentenced to die in the electric chair,
but went with a big grin on his face.
The kid went to hell, where all little leeches eventually go.
His sister went to hell too, and sold shoehorns for a living.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
THE MORAL
SysOps: THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU! Don't let nine-year-olds on
your BBSes! Ban the little leech!
english.174dr.grba,
A ima i dalje (:
The Sequel from HELL
INTRODUCTION
------------
It's now been, oh, about two months since the release of DEAD.DOC
and the response to it has been astounding. In all fairness, I must
state that I was roaring drunk when I wrote it. That, however,
doesn't mean it isn't true and that it couldn't happen. We all know
it is and it could.
I would like to thank the following people for their
contributions:
Imaginos, who sat next to me and laughed until blue in the face
while I was typing the original. He is also the contributor of such
memorable gems as "the shoehorn joke," "your little dog too," and
"fuck you, this court is in recess."
Bluejeans and Jetski, who goaded me for the sequel.
Ghostwheel (the person), for providing the discordian stimulation
required to write such a text file while drunk.
Thanks to all.
P.S.
If you want the make the story more interesting, and keep it in
the spirit of what it's actually written about, you can use your word
processor to do a global find and replace; change all occurrences of
"George" and "Tunaman" to "Dyron," "Amg," or "Mirage."
P.S.S.
Imaginos contributed a GREAT DEAL to this sequel. His influence
is evident all the way through it.
CREDITS
-------
Dedaparamaxxaginos Productions (lack-of-good) Management Staff
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dedaparamaxx: Head writer, head dum kopf, head head.
Imaginos: Master of cows and demented thoughts.
Morgan Bluejeans: Cyberspace expert, maker of "big funnies."
Tempus Fugit: Latin scholar, possessor of "outrageous French
Accent."
Sometimes, but not all times, staff writers
-------------------------------------------
Jeff the Riffer: Evil! Evil! Evil!
Diskwiz: Cyberspace engineer, editor-in-sleep.
IF YOU'RE CRAZY ENOUGH TO WANT TO CONTACT US:
---------------------------------------------
Dedaparamaxxaginos Productions, LTD, INC, PhD, BS, FTD.
8009 SW 55th PL
Gainesville, FL 32608
No CODs please. We don't like getting fish in the mail. That is
a REAL address, and any correspondence sent there will be answered
according to our moods, but it WILL be answered. Letter bombs will be
returned to sender, unopened. Drugs, money, complements, and general
ramblings are accepted.
To receive a group photo of the Dedaparamaxxaginos Productions
staff, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope and a quarter wrapped
in duct tape to the above address.
Mail may also be sent to mongo@maple.circa.ufl.edu.
And now, on with the show.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PART -I-
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A brief introduction:
It's a party weekend at a local SysOp's house where everyone is
gathered to drink beer and watch a brightly dressed person bearing a
whip run around on the TV screen stealing taxes from evil spanish land
owners.
Joe Blow's cousin thrice removed is at the party; his name, for
the sake of fiction, is George Tush. His handle is Tunaman.
George has vowed revenge for the unjust prosecution of his
distant relative. We shall see what happens.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The scene:
George enters, singing (see below). The house is a mess.
Everyone is dropping potato chip crumbs on the carpet and spilling
beer on one another. There are 10 people in the room, mostly young,
all of them looking on George with disgust.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Enter George, singing:
I am hear to seek revenge,
For Joe Blow's unjust death.
I intend to do so,
By being a real pest!
I know that somewhere in this town
Is a relative of SysOp!
I'm going to log on to his board,
And cause a major lockup!
[ The three females in the crowd jump up and begin dancing ]
Dancers:
He'll log on to his system,
And cause a major lockup!
Yes he'll log on to his system,
And cause a major lockup!
George:
Now most of you don't like me,
'Cuz you think that I'm a nerd.
But really that's not true, you see,
I'm actually a turd!
Dancers:
He's actually a turd, he is!
He's actually a turd!
George:
Well I don't like you either,
But as long as I am here,
I'll pretend like I'm online,
And download all your beer!
Dancers:
He'll pretend like he's online,
As long as he is here,
He'll pretend like he's online,
And download all your beer!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
New scene:
George at his computer terminal. It is a 4.77MHz IBM PC with no
disk drives using ROM BASIC. Somewhere, he has acquired a terminal
program for ROM BASIC which he put into memory with a cassette drive.
He has found the relative of the SysOp from the original DEAD.DOC who,
oddly enough, is also called SysOp in this document. He has logged
on, looked at all the ANSI screens at 1200 baud, and writes some
feedback.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
I would like access to everything on your board. All message
conferences, all file areas (pirate ones included), all doors, and set
all my flags and give me 120 minutes a day.
You won't regret it. Trust me.
Sincerely,
Tunaman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Tunatongue, err, Tunaman:
You have been given minimal access. You may access all message
boards and most file areas. We don't run pirate file areas here, so
NYAH! You have 30 minutes a day. Try not to be such an asshole!
The SysOp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
Waaaaaaaah.
Sincerely,
Tunaman.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
George moves on to the public message bases where he posts some
malticious statements about UART chips, annoys the SigOp of the "Star
Trek" discussion base by posting a message stating, in no uncertain
terms, just what a putz Kirk actually was, and generally makes a
nuisance of himself...especially, in the debate area...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>> In a message posted on 11-7-91 Beopunk Cyberwulf writes <<
BCPW> And I'll SHOOT anyone who screams gun control in MY face.
BCPW> Anyone who screams no nukes for that matter!
Dear Beopunk Cyberwulf:
You blithering liberals make me sick. All you ever do is
complain! Gun control is a GOOD THING and I hope that it passes
Congress. Then I hope the nail a REALLY BIG copy on your front door.
Sincerely,
Tunaman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Tunabrain:
You haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about, so
leave me alone, you eleven year old blight on the population!
Sincerely,
Beo(I hope you rot in hell)punk Cyber(your little dog too!)wulf
----------------------------------------------------------------------
George discovers ANSI codes and posts the following reply in
flashing red.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PART -II-
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Upon posting the reply, George logs off, eats a sandwich, and
begins to wonder why nobody seems to like him. He decides that
everyone besides him must be an idiot. He then begins to plot his
revenge against SysOp.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
George (singing):
No one seems to like me,
And I really don't know why.
They all become so angry,
When I post message replies!
But none of all that matters,
I must devise a plan,
To format Sysop's hard drives,
And blow up his Novell LAN!
[ The dancers from the party sneak in through a window ]
Dancers:
He'll blow up Sysop's LAN, he will,
He'll blow up Sysop's LAN!
He must devise a plan, he must,
To blow up Sysop's LAN!
George:
I'll fry his modem's circuits,
With an electric tesla coil!
His EPROMs they will all explode,
His parity chips will boil!
Then I'll send a power spike,
Of at least five billion watts,
His CPU will be so fried,
He'll wind up going nuts!
Dancers:
He'll send a power spike, he will,
Of at least five billion watts!
Sysop will not know what hit him,
He'll wind up going nuts!
George:
And I will watch all this with glee,
And chuckle when I do it!
It will fill my heart with joy,
To watch it go KABLOOEY!
Dancers:
KABLOOEY! KABLOEEY!
It will go KABLOOEY!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cut to:
George in his bedroom, trying in vain to manufacture a tesla
coil. So far, all he has managed to do is singe his fingers and make
his hair stand on end. He's been working on it for about two hours
now and is almost done.
He decides to take a break and harass Sysop some more.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sysop:
I downloaded a file from your file areas yesterday [duh, where
the hell else would he get it? Stupid little shit.] and it had a
virus in it! I ran the file FUCKYOU.EXE in the .ZIP file and my hard
drive got formatted! [HE'S LYING! HE DOESN'T HAVE A HARD DRIVE!]
Maybe you should delete it.
Sincerely,
Tunaman.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Tunaidiot:
I checked the file areas and the only FUCKYOU.EXE that exists is
one you uploaded. The one you uploaded, I might add, to sway your
upload download ratio so you can download more. You make me sick.
Sysop.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
It takes George three days to get the tesla coil working, but he
finally does. After making the final preparations, he disconnects the
mouthpiece on his phone so that only the bare wires are showing. He
charges the tesla coil and calls Sysop's BBS number.
Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep. RIIIIIIIIING!
When he hears the carrier sound, he puts the bare wires up to the
tesla coil.
There was a terrible, ghastly silence.
There was a terrible, ghastly noise.
George makes his hair stand on end again.
Far away, at Sysop's house, peripherals are melting.
Sysop's monitor explodes.
His RAM chips pop like Orville Redenbacher's best.
His modem makes one final SQUEAK and goes silent.
In short, everything goes KABLOOEY!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PART -III-
SYSOP'S REVENGE (muahahahahaha)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
When Sysop goes to the police and tells them about what happened,
they tell him that there is nothing they can do about George unless
they have some proof. Sysop says "fuck it" and decides to get a bunch
of his friends over for a "kill Tunaman party." The scene is Sysop's
living room (which, by the way, hasn't been cleaned since the party),
the time is four past midnight.
This is a major song and dance number, so it constitutes it's own
part.
Sysop, singing:
This stupid little kid named George,
Has blown up my BBS!
We really must do something,
To stomp his little ass!
I appeal to all of you,
My friends and goodly users,
To help me nuke this little shit,
And throw him down the sewer!
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
We will help you never fear,
To get rid of this pest!
Simply show us where he lives,
And we will do the rest!
Gelbarion:
I will crush him with my fists,
Because, like Arnold, I am strong!
Then I will feed him to my dog,
My German Shepherd, Kong!
Imaginos:
I will pop his head right off,
His scrawny little torso,
Then I'll shit right down his throat,
And rip him a new asshole!
Admiral Asshole:
I'll bring my AK-47,
And load it up with ammo!
I'll cut the little dick in half,
And use the halves as bookends!
Imaginos (speaking):
You idiot! That doesn't rhyme!
Admiral Asshole (speaking):
Fuck you! It's my part of the song!
Imaginos (speaking)
ASSHOLE!
Admiral Asshole (speaking)
That's my name!
Wostgheel (ending the song with an operatic-like wailing):
Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet'sssssssssss
Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssssssssssssssst
SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The scene ends with the BBS users dancing out the doors like
they're going down the yellow brick road in Munchkin Land. ("We're OFF
to kill the dickhead, da da da da da da da da").
PART -IV-
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The scene is the front of George's house. The Assembly of Death
has collected its assorted implements of torture and is ready for
anything.
They go up to the door.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Sysop knocks on the door. There is a brief flittering of the
curtains, and it is soon obvious that someone is doing a very poor job
of concealing the fact that he's at home.
Gelbarion knocks a little harder (WHAM! WHAM! WAAAAAAAAAAHM!)
and the lights go out. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Imaginos knocks still harder yet and the door breaks in half. It
reminds Sysop of the sound his modem made. This makes him madder.
Imaginos:
How's that for getting your foot in the door?
Admiral Asshole:
Shut up! I want to kill something.
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
It's very dark in there.
Wostgheel:
Don't worry, I brought napalm.
Sysop:
Now now, boys. Let's just go in.
The Assembly of Really Really Mad People who are Out For Blood
walk in through the door. Miraculously, someone finds the
light switch. Oddly enough, this is also when they hear the back door
slam.
Imaginos (slapping Admiral Asshole):
Goddamit! You let him get away!
Admiral Asshole:
Fuck you! You were the one who turned on the lights!
Sysop:
Shut up and get after him!
They run outside. George is running so fast that he trips on an
oak tree root and wipes out. He falls, face first, to the pavement.
The Assembly of Really Pissed off People who Want Tunaman Dead
converge upon him and there is much chaos.
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Hello, GEORGE! Welcome to your coming of age ceremony--KLINGON
STYLE, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Imaginos:
Move out of the way, I want to break his little toes.
Admiral Asshole:
Wait a minute, I saw him first! Let me burn his dick off!
Gelbarion:
Let me crush him, like Arnold would!
Wostgheel:
Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet'sssssssssss
Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssssssssssssssst
SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!
There is much noise as the Assembly of Those Who Hurt People Really
Really Bad for a Living attacks the defenseless, but deserving,
George/Dyron/Amg/Mirage/[Asshole of your choice here]. This goes on for
about two minutes, during which time we can hear:
BONES CRACKING!!!!!!!!! (Crrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacccccccck!)
PLEAS FOR MERCY (which go unheeded)!!!!!!
SIRENS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Imaginos:
Goddamit! Who called the #$%#!!@ cops?
Admiral Asshole:
I told you to be quiet!
Imaginos:
I can't help it if he screams louder than Metallica!
Beopunk Cyberwulf:
Don't insult my heroes!
Gelbarion:
We should have cut out his voice box.
Wostgheel:
Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeee!
Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Kniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife!
Imaginos (to Wostgheel):
Will you stop that horrid operatic-like wailing?!?!? You were
supposed to get that out of your system three scenes ago!
The cops appear, in force, bearing guns, even though they aren't
NEARLY as heavily armed as Our Heroes.
Sysop, trying to hide the bloody but not yet dead body of Tunaman:
Hello, officers! What can we do for you?
Officer #1:
You're under arrest.
Gelbarion:
But, kind sir, we are but poor vigilantes who, trying to act like
Arnold, are helping to rid the world of foul, computer-killing vermin,
like this guy here (points to George's body).
Admiral Asshole:
Will SOMEONE please tape his incriminating mouth SHUT?!?!
Officer #2:
Please put your hands over your head.
Imaginos:
I SEE BATS!
Officer #1 (getting noticeably nervous):
Please put your military-like armament DOWN and get against the
wall and spread 'em!
Imaginos (rapidly running his hands over his chest, like he's trying
to get something slimy off):
SNAKES!!!!!!! SNAKES!!!!!! SNAKES!!!!!! Where's my medicine!
I need my medicine! (Looking at Officer #1) Did YOU bring my medicine?
Sysop:
We're doomed.
Beopunk Cyberwulf (to Officer #2):
Sorry about your family...TOMORROW!
After a WHOLE lot of trouble, the ambulance takes George away to
Shands (after using a crowbar to pry his modem out of his asshole) and
the Assembly of Rather Humbled Modem Users Now That Their Weapons Have
Been Taken are carted off to the big house.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
english.175silence,
HOW TO DRIVE PEOPLE NUTS AT WORK
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is
especially effective if your boss is a different gender than
you are.)
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only
by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry
I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."
Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're
doing.For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your
shoes since you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people
you're waiting for your document.
Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have
time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the
meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
Insist that your e-mail address be
"zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they
want fries with that.
Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate
about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward
the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
chair dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny
Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and
snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your
snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc...
in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none...
Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be
faster than that."
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
english.176silence,
Apropo ovakvih poruka:
> WARNING!!!!!! If you receive an e-mail titled "JOIN THE CREW" DO
> NOT open it! It will erase EVERYTHING on your hard drive! Send this
> letter out to as many people you can.......this is a new virus and not
> many people know about it! This information was received this morning
> from IBM, please share it with anyone that might access the Internet.
> Also, If anyone receives mail entitled; PENPAL GREETINGS! please
> delete it WITHOUT reading it!! This is a warning for all Internet
> users - there is a dangerous virus propagating across the Internet
> through an e-mail message entitled "PENPAL GREETINGS!". DO NOT
> DOWNLOAD ANY MESSAGE ENTITLED "PENPAL GREETINGS"!! This message
> appears to be a friendly letter asking you if you are interested in a
> penpal, but by the time you read this letter, it is
...
Zapazite odjek jednog Čeha (bacite uzgred pogled na datum!):
> Subject: Virus Alert!
> Date: Monday, January 01, 1601
>
> On viruses, just got this hot over the wire:
>
> If you receive an e-mail with a subject of "Badtimes," delete it
> immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus
> yet.
>
> It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble
> any disks that are even close to your computer. It will re calibrate
> your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty.
> It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the
> tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any
> CD's you try to play.
>
> It will give your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend your new phone number. It
> will mix Kool-aid into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and
> leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming
> over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit
> pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
>
> This virus is capable of making you fall in love with a penguin. It
> will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in
> your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your
> current boyfriend/girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner
> and hotel room to your Visa card.
>
> It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead,
> such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to
> sully those things we hold most dear.
>
> It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.
> It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your
> boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is
> dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting
> shade of mauve.
>
> Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.It will leave the toilet seat
> up.
>
> It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave
> bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers
> with your new snowblower.
>
> These are just a few signs... Just be very careful!
>
english.177dr.grba,
Stiglo mi od druga koji radi u UNTAES-u (:
1008 180997 GMT RWS CSA AFA REU3941 3 OVR 327 ( RWS CSA AFA
US NEWS BA HR LATAM DIP ) N18276606 BC-BOSNIA-USA-KASSANDRA
Steamy Latin soap opera to promote peace in Bosnia
By Patricia Zengerle
MIAMI, Sept 18 (Reuter) - The U.S State Department has
intervened to help get a Venezuelan-made, Miami-distributed,
Serbo-Croat-dubbed soap opera back on the air in the Bosnian
city of Banja Lanka.
The saga began earlier this month when supporters of Bosnian
Serb president Biljana Plavsic took over a local television
station in the middle of an episode of "Kassandra," a steamy
Venezuelan soap opera popular in the war-torn country.
Not only did the station's new owners stop the show
mid-episode, they were left without the remaining episodes of
"Kassandra," which is distributed by a Miami-based company,
Coral Pictures.
Fans of the show, which centers on a Gypsy fortune teller
and her lover, were so outraged at what they assumed to be the
fault of Plavsic's hard-line rivals that the State Department
feared the disruption could hurt the Plavsic government.
They contacted the Venezuelan ambassador, who got in touch
with Coral Pictures and asked the company to get a copy of
"Kassandra" to the Plavsic-owned station as soon as possible.
Executives at the company were confused at first because
they had never sold the show to a station in Bosnia. Instead, a
version of the show dubbed into Serbo-Croat was being stolen
every evening from nearby Belgrade and retransmitted illegally
into Bosnia and Herzegovina.
The State Department asked that Coral ignore that detail.
And the company obliged, sending the tapes to the station half
way across the world.
"They requested that we help them in getting it on the air
and of course we are glad to help," Coral executive vice
president Antonio Paez said, adding that he did not expect to
receive any money for his trouble.
"The station that they wanted it to be carried on in Bosnia,
unfortunately has no money. We are donating the show in order to
help in whatever way we can to the peace process in Bosnia."
english.180dzakic,
100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate
1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate
eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the
bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she
asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is
asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate
every morning.
3. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud
as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards,
keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going
somewhere?"
4. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait
for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act
surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again."
5. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick
him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
6. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've
been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her
that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.
7. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you
wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream
Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
8. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and
stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that
visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have
to face the consequences.
9. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about
his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your
roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.
10. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in
training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
11. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate
you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was
home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
12. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am
I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed.
If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking
about.
13. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at
it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
14. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and
the napkin. Throw everything else away.
15. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks,
start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same
room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of
the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
16. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops
out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
17. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats
eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
18. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look
at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
19. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and
tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for
several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take
off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
20. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours
of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in
front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much
longer."
21. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head
with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful
little..."
22. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know
how they got there.
23. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep
one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
24. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room
and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate.
One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a
will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly
say, "Oooh, are you dying?"
25. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff
back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."
26. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the
tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here
somewhere."
27. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then
pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the
message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint
again. Keep this up for several weeks.
28. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the
building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too,
explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
29. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself.
Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking
backwards again.
30. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your
roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
31. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective
student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate
protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its
feelings. Watch T.V with the pig, eating lots of bacon.
32. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the
sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey,
where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
33. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about
the poor picture quality.
34. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every
day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie
down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your
roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the
window again.
35. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one
after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others.
Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it.
Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."
36. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave,
and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel
sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
37. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your
roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your
roommate to bring you food and water.
38. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear
for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door
only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
39. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that
you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.
40. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your
roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
41. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It
won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers.
Repeat the process for a few weeks.
42. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often.
Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling
him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry.
I won't do that anymore, Murray."
43. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
44. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows
how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side
of the room with concern.
45. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and
scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes,
and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
46. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone,
screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say,
"That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
47. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and
go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys,
you can come out now."
48. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to
take it off, say, "What the hell do you think you are? A king?"
49. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing
nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster
with two players."
50. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended,
throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up,
explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
51. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she
says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate
can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
52. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play
loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off
the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was
fun while it lasted."
53. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone
besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim
that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your
roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.
54. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the
toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out
the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
55. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, claim that you have
won by forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the room. Insist
that he remove all of his possessionsimmediately.
56. Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide,
blood donor, organ donor).
57. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that
you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your
roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim
that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.
58. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain
that your feet hurt.
59. Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying
to kill a mosquito.
60. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it,
tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans
to your roommate.
61. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a
hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost
of light bulbs.
62. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then
stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops
on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."
63. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside
it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the
week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame
your roommate.
64. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so.
Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If
your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"
65. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one
that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be
done."
66. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow!
837-9494! Holy cow!")
67. Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If
your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box
with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box
with his/her shadow.
68. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and
yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.
69. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is
missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
70. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your
roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate
says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a
suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.
71. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say,
"Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again,
immediately change the subject.
72. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the
mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately
put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.
73. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit
your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and
grumble, "Damn road runner...."
74. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what
you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood.
75. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she
protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.
76. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to
have a conversation.
77. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk
the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!
78. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your
roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech
to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while
eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
79. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your
roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope,
act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
80. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with
the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms
that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about.
81. Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your
roommate goes to take a shower.
82. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to
McDonalds, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat,
sit, and pout.
83. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things
and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her
that you just couldn't take it anymore.
84. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your
roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent
about the importance of good manners.
85. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good
luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages.
When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe
used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...."
86. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the
jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your
roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it.
Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the
jack-o-lantern, but you can't convince it to move out.
87. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing
famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the
light, look around and pretend to be confused.
88. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to
basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for
about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the
refrigerator has been taking steroids.
89. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you
love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on,
complain about how much you hate lemonade.
90. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good
old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and
your roommate.
91. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about
and hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.
92. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you.
Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these
zoos just aren't what they used to be."
93. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going
to be an earthquake, soon. While your roommate is out, trash
everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain
that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.
94. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your
forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.
95. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your
roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.
96. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them,
and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day.
Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into
a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think
the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.
97. While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can
fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate
objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.
98. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the
hall.
99. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training.
Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the
camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it
again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.
100. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're
for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your
roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having
bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did
it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and
that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble
angrily and storm out of the room.
english.181mihailod,
### Bastard User From Hell ###
Izvinjavam se ako je bilo...
bufh.arjenglish.182mihailod,
*** Bastard User From Hell ***
Evo i 5. i 6. dela...
Nedostaju u prethodnoj arhivi...
bufh56.arjenglish.183mihailod,
*** Bastard professor from hell ***
Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion
years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately
known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it
past him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were
these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of
the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final
they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the
final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was
on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends
up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their
hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it
back to Duke until early monday morning. Rather than taking the final
then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain
to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa
for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that
they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't
get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk
thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the
following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.
So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the
time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed
each
of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first
problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was
worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did
that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for
what they saw on the next page. It said:
(95 points) Which tire?
english.184nenad,
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside
except for a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died, and
Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is
dead. Could you possibly be saying a mass for the poor
creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for
an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new
denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they
believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think
$50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was
Catholic."
english.185nenad,
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their
three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while
looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the
family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation
looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to
feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man
awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to
see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the
head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead
(and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and
drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a
mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know
the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me
five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to
you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply
unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the
river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had
happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The
mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in
a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his
best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so
she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead
cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was
a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw
himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.
"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything
right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a
row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.
Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And
even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said,
"Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me
thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect
health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that
thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
english.186nenad,
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came
down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the
nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and
toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.
"We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the
second room on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the
whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the
stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled,
"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the
Yukon!"
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You
found her!"
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the
miner.
"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to
open those beers first."
english.187miskop,
-> #185, nenad-> On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their
-> three sons.
Vic meseca. :))
english.188mizzony,
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said,"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over and picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket..
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for anentire
week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and
returned it to his pocket..
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took
the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket..
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a Software Engineer. I don't have time for
a girl-friend, but a talking frog is cool."
english.189mihailod,
Evo jednog kompleta sjajnih tekstova.
Arhiva sadrzi sledecih 7 fajlova:
1. ALTDICT.TXT - Alternativni recnik racunarskih izraza.
2. COMMANDS.TXT - Komande koje bi svaki korisnik zeleo da
ima na raspolaganju...
3. HARDWARE.TXT - Marfolika pravila koja namece hardver.
4. INTERNET.TXT - Marfolika zapazanja u vezi Interneta.
5. SHIT.TXT - Shit happens to computers...
6. SOFTWARE.TXT - Marfolika pravila koja namece softver.
7. TAO.TXT - The Tao of Programming.
* Format: ASCII * Jezik: Engleski * Izvor: Internet *
csfun.arjenglish.190l.tanja,
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover
comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts
her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet,
the little boy says,
"It's dark in here, isn't it?
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little
extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the
position he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"25 DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies
to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again
when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her
lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging
his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is
completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says
"Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play
some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father,
expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to
the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for
forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws
the curtain, sits down, and says,
"It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit now," the priest says.
:)
english.191l.tanja,
Here's a list of actual English subtitles used in films
made in Hong Kong...
1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous
rice chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been scared shitless too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's
hair!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
:)
english.193vasic,
news:rec.humor.funny.reruns
One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead.
He directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went...
'Change course 10 degrees South.'
The reply was quickly flashed back...
'You change course 10 degrees North.'
The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further
message.....
'I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South.'
Back came the reply....
'I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North.'
The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....
'I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!'
Back came the reply.......
'I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!'
-------
>From CRUISING HELMSMAN October 1987
english.194mihailod,
FORWARDED TO SEZAM BY MIHAILOD
(Samo jos jedna napomena da bi lakse pratio tekst. Evo sta u recniku
pise da je gerbil:
GERBIL - a small animal that lives in deserts and has long back legs on
which it jumps. They are sometimes kept as pets, esp. by children)
Date: Mon, 10 Nov 1997 19:45:01 -0600 (CST)
From: Peter Csaszar <pcsaszar@eecs.uic.edu>
To: ICL Bunch <consultants@eecs.uic.edu>,
Jason Krozel <jkrozel@eecs.uic.edu>
Subject: may offend..read at own risk (fwd)
Guys!
It REALLY DOES offend, so REALLY read it at your own risk!
This mail contains goofy material. Reader discretion is advised.
Scroll down to read...
-peter_C
------------- Begin Forwarded Message -------------
Warning: This may offend . . .
There is actually more to this post - a "top ten" list. Enjoy!
Actual article from the LA Times:
....
ATTACHMENT
....
------------- End Forwarded Message -------------
gerbil.arjenglish.195rdejan,
The pretty young lady was having a tooth pulled. The dentist gave her
the usual "This won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over her with a
drill in his hand.
He immediately drew back in complete alarm. "Miss," he said in a barely
audible whisper, "You have hold of my testicles!"
"Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other,
are we?"
english.196rdejan,
A man and a woman met at a bar. They started getting along really well
and they decide to go to her place for a drink.
A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He
then took off his socks and washed his hands.
The woman looked at him and said, "You must be a dentist."
Flabbergasted, the guy responded, "Why yes! That's amazing; how did you
determine that?"
The woman replied, "Easy. You keep washing your hands."
Well, one thing led to another, and they migrated to the bed. Things
became more and more passionate, and they made love.
After their passionate deed was done, the woman remarked, "You must be a
GREAT dentist!"
The doctor was very surprised, and said "Yes! Yes! I sure am a great
dentist. Wow! You amaze me! And how did you know THAT, my dear?'
His lover retorted, "That's easy. I didn't feel a thing."
english.197rdejan,
Sean was lyin' on his deathbed with his lifelong friend by his side.
"Paddy, me dear friend, ye remember that grand case o' scotch we won at
poker when we were in the merchant marine these many years ago?"
"Aye, Sean, that I do. Some thirty years ago it was."
"Well, laddie, I never told ye, but I set one bottle aside, and I've
kept it even to this day."
"Ah, Sean, heart of me heart, 'tis a fine thing ye've done!" Paddy's
mouth was watering at the thought of having a last drink with his bosom
buddy, a shot of magnificently aged whiskey.
With great difficulty, Sean raised himself up on one elbow, reached out
and clutched Paddy by the lapel of his jacket and looked him straight in
the eye. "Paddy, me own, would ye do me one last, dyin' favor, in the
name of our true and lastin' friendship?"
Paddy returned his gaze with genuine affection. "Anything, Sean, ye
know ye can count on me."
Sean relaxed and fell back into his bed. "When they lay me out in that
pine box and they lower me down into the ground and they cover me over
with sod, Paddy, me boy, will ye take that fine bottle of scotch and
pull the cork, and pour the whiskey all over me grave?"
(pause as Paddy swallows)
"Aye, Sean, that I will ... But would ye mind if it passes through me
kidneys first?"
english.200clouseau,
Do you know what PONTIAC means?
Poor
Old
Nigger
Thinks
It's
A
Cadilac
english.202rdejan,
A man walks into a tavern and sees a jarful of cash on the bar. He asks
the bartender what the jar of cash is for and the bartender says "If you
can make my horse laugh, you win the money." So, the man walks around
back of the tavern, whispers in the horses ear and the horse starts
laughing and snorting and stomping his hooves. The man walks back into
the tavern and takes the jar of cash.
A few weeks later, the same man walks into the tavern and sees another
jar of cash on the bar. He asks the bartender what the jar of cash is
Dalje (dnb)?
for and the bartender says "My horse hasn't stopped laughing since you
were in here last and if you can make my horse stop laughing you win the
money."
So the man walks around the back of the tavern and everyone hears the
loudest sobbing and crying coming from the horse. The man walks up to
the bar and reaches for the jar of cash. "Hold on a minute, says the
bartender. I've gotta know what you said to that horse."
"Well," says the man, "the first time I came in, I told him that my dick
was bigger than his."
"And the second time?" Asked the bartender.
"I showed him." said the man.
english.203dalex,
Evo malo zanimljive matematike. Javite rezultate :)...
Work this out as you read.
Don't read the bottom until you have worked it out.!!!
1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would
like to have sex.
2. Multiply this number by 2.
3. Add 5.
4. Multiply it by 50.
5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1747.
If you haven't, add 1746.
6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born.
RESULTS:
You should now have a three digit number:
The first digit of this was your original number
(I.e. how many times you want to have sex each week).
The second two digits are your age!!!
It really works.
This is the only year it will ever work !
TIP For the guys - try it with another number. It works even if you
don't choose 7
english.204dalex,
Ne znam dal je bilo, po nesto jeste sigurno, al nek ide...
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't have to know...there's a clock on the oven!
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be
able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the sink.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs
for my wife!"
The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them
apart.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
english.207nenad,
This is a copy of a letter Sony received soon after running a
competition:
Dear Sir,
God bless you for the beautiful radio your Company donated as a
prize at our recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I was the lucky one
to win it. I am 86 years old and live at the Country home for the
aged.
All my people have gone and it was nice to have someone think of
me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My room mate is 95 and has always had her own radio but would never
let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into
lots of pieces. It was just awful. She asked me if she could listen
to my new radio and I told her to get fucked.
Sincerely,
Elsa McEvoy
english.208nenad,
Tekst koji se, ispisan na ploči pričvršćenoj za zid, početkom veka
mogao pročitati u velikom broju američkih domaćinstava:
This Room Is Equipped With
_Edison Electric Light._
Do not attempt to light with
match. Simply turn key on wall
by the door.
The use of Electricity for lighting
is in no way harmful to health, nor
does it affect the soundness of sleep.
english.209kum.djole,
A Day At The Zoo
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are
spending the day at the zoo.
She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a
T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning.
As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very
large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun
intended.)
He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet),
he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand.
He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The
husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests
that his wife teases the poor fellow some more.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him,
and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited,
making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to
show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear
the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at
him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now
he's doing flips.
Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to
the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door
shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
english.210buva,
glupost :)) ..
True story as heard on "LATE LATE SHOW WITH TOM SNYDER" 3-3-97
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun to launch dead chickens. It shoots the
chickens at windshields of airline jets, military jets and the space shuttle
at their maximum traveling velocity. The purpose is to simulate collisions
with airborne fowl and, therefore, determine if windshields are strong enough.
Upon hearing of the gun, British engineers were eager to test it out on the
windshield of their new high speed trains. However, upon firing the gun the
engineers watched in shock as the chicken shattered the windshield, smashed
through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and
embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified, the engineers sent
Nasa the results of the experiment along with the designs of the windshield
and asked for any suggestions.
The NASA scientists sent back a one sentence response:
"Thaw the chicken."
english.211kiki,
A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny.
As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He
thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside,
and there is no one around here for miles. He pulls over to the
side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the
appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin.
After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the
police car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir,
but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"
The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and
says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"
english.212rdejan,
Two guys get busted for smoking dope. On Friday morning they go to
their court appearance. The judge says, "You look like two pretty
decent guys. I'm gonna give you one more chance, BUT you have to go
and try to convince as many people as you can, not to smoke dope fo
rthe rest of their lives".
Saturday night the two guys go to a bar and do their convincing.
Monday morning they return to court. The judge says to the first
guy, "How many people did you convince?". "Twent-six people, your
honor!" Very good! How did you do that?", inquires the judge.
"Well I drew two circles, one much bigger than the other. When I
pointed to the big circle I said,"This is your brain."and when I
pointed to the small circle I said,"This is your brain on drugs!".
"Very well", said the judge, "your charges are dismissed." Then
the judge turned to the second guy, "And how many people did you
turn off drugs, young man?". "One hundred and fifty-six people your
Honor. "WOW...how did you ever manage to do that?"asked the judge.
"Well, sir, I used a similar approach but when I pointed to the
small circle I said, "This is your asshole before prison"...
Izvor: Sezampro, korisnik jone.
english.213rdejan,
An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and
dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt
in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and
was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of
water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of
water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the
Grand Emir.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,
"white man sit on well."
english.214madamov,
Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the
following scam:
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to
supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem
reasonable, people place orders and make payments via cheque.
After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the
present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to
be prosecuted. So they return their customers money in the form of a
company cheque. However, due to the name of the company, few people ever
bother to present these to their banks.
The name of the company -
'The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company'.
english.215nenad,
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday
evening that reads:
Dear Wife (that's what he called her):
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him
that read as follows:
Dear Husband (that's what she called him):
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at
the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy
boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes
into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
english.216nenad,
A guy answers the phone. It's the doctor. About your
wife's blood test, he says, due to an administrative
error I'm not sure which sample is your wife's.
Depending on which is which, she's either got AIDS
or a severe heart condition.
So what can I do about it? says the guy.
Well, says the doctor, I recommend sending her on
a ten-mile run.
If she comes back alive, don't fuck her.
english.217nenad,
A man complained to his friends "My elbow really hurts. I guess
I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that!!!
There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything,
quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your
urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you
what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with
a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer,
he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started
making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a
brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You
have tennis elbow, Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labour It
will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and
how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this
machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together
some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his
wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the
sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise
and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard get a water softener.
Your dog has worms give him vitamins.
Your daughter's on drugs put her in rehab.
Your wife's pregnant it ain't yours---get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will
never get better.
english.219kenza,
Pažnja, sledi čaršaf od jedno 10 strana. Morao sam da fwd-ujem
celu poruku da bi ljudi mogli da shvate o čemu se zapravo radi.
Poruka je prošla kroz mailbox-ove jedno 500 ljudi i svi su je
fwd-ovali dalje. Iako je u priči meta neko sa AOL-a, neki
pametni su je slali i van ovog sistema, valjda u strahu od užasa
koji im preti ukoliko je ne proslede dalje. :)))
Dakle, evo čime se bavi najzaludnija nacija na svetu:
> From: Cinny3 <Cinny3@aol.com>
> Return-path: <Cinny3@aol.com>
> To: JWB219@aol.com, Sbsuga21@aol.com, DeadyTeady@aol.com,
> SkatKat420@aol.com, Scp25@aol.com
> Subject: Fwd: scream3--KIND OF NEAT
> Date: Tue, 5 May 1998 15:35:05 EDT
> Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com)
> Mime-Version: 1.0
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>
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>
> --part1_894401657_boundary
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> Content-type: message/rfc822
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>
> From: MKBAINE <MKBAINE@aol.com>
> Return-path: <MKBAINE@aol.com>
> To: Andy467@aol.com, Jason5200K@aol.com, Eltho@aol.com,
> thecaptain3@juno.com, EVILEVA001@aol.com, Gkdancer@aol.com,
> GENAONEAL@aol.com, GSHMOA@aol.com, gsi14787@gsaix2.cc.GaSoU.EDU,
> marion@arches.uga.edu, Daffodilcr@aol.com, Cinny3@aol.com,
> Missa8821@aol.com Subject: Fwd: scream3--KIND OF NEAT
> Date: Tue, 5 May 1998 15:11:12 EDT
> Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com)
> Mime-Version: 1.0
> Content-type: multipart/mixed;
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>
> --part2_894401657_boundary
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> Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII
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>
> --part2_894401657_boundary
> Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.6>
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>
> From: NP1212 <NP1212@aol.com>
> Return-path: <NP1212@aol.com>
> To: MKBAINE@aol.com, Crafty8452@aol.com, Nlu24@aol.com,
> UgaDawg999@aol.com, Akria1@aol.com
> Subject: Fwd: scream3
> Date: Sun, 3 May 1998 18:19:35 EDT
> Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com)
> Mime-Version: 1.0
> Content-type: multipart/mixed;
> boundary="part3_894401657_boundary"
>
> --part3_894401657_boundary
> Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.7>
> Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII
>
>
> --part3_894401657_boundary
> Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.8>
> Content-type: message/rfc822
> Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit
> Content-disposition: inline
>
> From: PitaDzNuts <PitaDzNuts@aol.com>
> Return-path: <PitaDzNuts@aol.com>
> To: NP1212@aol.com
> Subject: Fwd: scream3
> Date: Fri, 1 May 1998 23:44:12 EDT
> Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com)
> Mime-Version: 1.0
> Content-type: multipart/mixed;
> boundary="part4_894401657_boundary"
>
> --part4_894401657_boundary
> Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.9>
> Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII
>
>
> --part4_894401657_boundary
> Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.10>
> Content-type: message/rfc822
> Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit
> Content-disposition: inline
>
> From: Amos579 <Amos579@aol.com>
> Return-path: <Amos579@aol.com>
> To: PitaDzNuts@aol.com, APOSTLEDAV@aol.com, JamaP@aol.com,
> Sjsgcu@aol.com, AZoutkast@aol.com
> Subject: Fwd: scream3
> Date: Fri, 1 May 1998 16:38:02 EDT
> Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com)
> Mime-Version: 1.0
> Content-type: multipart/mixed;
> boundary="part5_894401657_boundary"
>
> --part5_894401657_boundary
> Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.11>
> Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII
>
>
> --part5_894401657_boundary
> Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.12>
> Content-type: message/rfc822
> Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit
> Content-disposition: inline
>
> From: Brett1275 <Brett1275@aol.com>
> Return-path: <Brett1275@aol.com>
> To: LBug5858@aol.com, RIVERGBLUE@aol.com, JUJUB12@aol.com,
> Amos579@aol.com, Wrinklz@aol.com, Jlezzell@eagle.fgcu.edu,
> Poctrdeper@hotmail.com Subject: Fwd: scream3
> Date: Thu, 30 Apr 1998 16:08:33 EDT
> Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com)
> Mime-Version: 1.0
> Content-type: multipart/mixed;
> boundary="part6_894401657_boundary"
>
> --part6_894401657_boundary
> Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.13>
> Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII
>
>
>
> --part6_894401657_boundary
> Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.14>
> Content-type: message/rfc822
> Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit
> Content-disposition: inline
>
> From: Ribbit8199 <Ribbit8199@aol.com>
> Return-path: <Ribbit8199@aol.com>
> To: Brett1275@aol.com
> Subject: Fwd: scream3
> Date: Thu, 30 Apr 1998 15:24:10 EDT
> Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com)
> Mime-Version: 1.0
> Content-type: multipart/mixed;
> boundary="part7_894401657_boundary"
>
> --part7_894401657_boundary
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> Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII
>
>
>
> --part7_894401657_boundary
> Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.16>
> Content-type: message/rfc822
> Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit
> Content-disposition: inline
>
> From: JYoung61 <JYoung61@aol.com>
> Return-path: <JYoung61@aol.com>
> To: Shelolo@aol.com, Brandy022@aol.com, Dove3319@aol.com,
> Ribbit8199@aol.com, Cagesmatch@aol.com
> Subject: Fwd: scream3
> Date: Thu, 30 Apr 1998 10:32:54 EDT
> Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com)
> Mime-Version: 1.0
> Content-type: multipart/mixed;
> boundary="part8_894401657_boundary"
>
> --part8_894401657_boundary
> Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.17>
> Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII
>
>
>
> --part8_894401657_boundary
> Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.18>
> Content-type: message/rfc822
> Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit
> Content-disposition: inline
>
> From: BaByGrL785 <BaByGrL785@aol.com>
> Return-path: <BaByGrL785@aol.com>
> To: Vetteman7@aol.com, Dessy2001@aol.com, KatzEyez17@aol.com,
> JYoung61@aol.com, Angelove17@aol.com
> Subject: Fwd: scream3
> Date: Wed, 29 Apr 1998 21:11:29 EDT
> Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com)
> Mime-Version: 1.0
> Content-type: multipart/mixed;
> boundary="part9_894401657_boundary"
>
> --part9_894401657_boundary
> Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.19>
> Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII
>
>
> --part9_894401657_boundary
> Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.20>
> Content-type: message/rfc822
> Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit
> Content-disposition: inline
>
> From: Rebelm1981 <Rebelm1981@aol.com>
> Return-path: <Rebelm1981@aol.com>
> To: BaByGrL785@aol.com
> Subject: Fwd: scream3
> Date: Wed, 29 Apr 1998 21:04:39 EDT
> Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com)
> Mime-Version: 1.0
> Content-type: multipart/mixed;
> boundary="part10_894401657_boundary"
>
> --part10_894401657_boundary
> Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.21>
> Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII
>
>
> --part10_894401657_boundary
> Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.22>
> Content-type: message/rfc822
> Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit
> Content-disposition: inline
>
> From: Williw0nka <Williw0nka@aol.com>
> Return-path: <Williw0nka@aol.com>
> To: MoFoster21@aol.com, Nirvnail@aol.com, SHGAssasin@aol.com,
> AlienNoah1@aol.com,
> NyteAnjel@aol.com, Lynnike7@aol.com, Raychill2@aol.com, Flem24@aol.com,
> AdidasKhic@aol.com, Chella16@aol.com, Sophe6@aol.com,
> ERIKA14124@aol.com, Basbalcat2@aol.com, BS2211@aol.com, K88gt@aol.com,
> SUKIGKW@aol.com, SPREAD@aol.com, CShi101643@aol.com, LdyDodge@aol.com,
> FOCUS02@aol.com, SowS@aol.com, HEYME@aol.com, BABE156847@aol.com,
> Bigflog@aol.com, Missysaver@aol.com, Peyy@aol.com, MasterJ321@aol.com,
> MBenn69191@aol.com, JessEca83@aol.com, SEX6605804@aol.com,
> mark16_99@yahoo.com, Panasy@aol.com, DOLLY20000@aol.com,
> JQua218968@aol.com, LilA596@aol.com, FX1996@aol.com, Sinomin16@aol.com,
> NIGHTSKY65@aol.com, RFskate@aol.com, Gsupreme@aol.com, Xplsv@aol.com,
> Gymna89@aol.com, LovBugC184@aol.com, Rebelm1981@aol.com,
> PrimalTwt@aol.com, XT550Y@aol.com, Mslmul@aol.com, Swim885508@aol.com,
> UgonnaLOSE@aol.com, Deeeva1@aol.com, ThUgIcEX@aol.com, DKM82@aol.com,
> Bianca2cu@aol.com, Silver1219@aol.com, TD9171@aol.com, XKLIBRIII@aol.com,
> Zoso003@aol.com, WvuBabe98@aol.com, Oakley12@aol.com, KANOLEE1@aol.com,
> Femme23577@aol.com, BlGGlE187@aol.com, Luvinick28@aol.com,
> Jkxtreme@aol.com, Studly555@aol.com, SnoopD23@aol.com, EmilyG83@aol.com,
> TurtlesND@aol.com, AIRJORDASH@aol.com, Fling25@aol.com, LaurZ48@aol.com,
> AEchick71@aol.com, Hamonn@aol.com, RunnerXC83@aol.com, MavicXC@aol.com,
> RachelG77@aol.com, Dirtyeyes8@aol.com, Jbenn17@aol.com,
> DoctrQuinn@aol.com, JeetFeet@aol.com, Juliet6965@aol.com,
> Tadpole15@aol.com, Imcomaguy@aol.com, CASHIS1@aol.com
> Subject: Fwd: scream3
> Date: Wed, 29 Apr 1998 17:45:49 EDT
> Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com)
> Mime-Version: 1.0
> Content-type: multipart/mixed;
> boundary="part11_894401657_boundary"
>
> --part11_894401657_boundary
> Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.23>
> Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII
>
>
> --part11_894401657_boundary
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> Content-type: message/rfc822
> Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit
> Content-disposition: inline
>
> From: AdidasKhic <AdidasKhic@aol.com>
> Return-path: <AdidasKhic@aol.com>
> To: Williw0nka@aol.com
> Subject: Fwd: scream3
> Date: Wed, 29 Apr 1998 17:32:13 EDT
> Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com)
> Mime-Version: 1.0
> Content-type: multipart/mixed;
> boundary="part12_894401657_boundary"
>
> --part12_894401657_boundary
> Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.25>
> Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII
>
>
>
> --part12_894401657_boundary
> Content-ID: <0_894401657@inet_out.mail.aol.com.26>
> Content-type: message/rfc822
> Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit
> Content-disposition: inline
>
> From: NicNavarro <NicNavarro@aol.com>
> Return-path: <NicNavarro@aol.com>
> To: AdidasKhic@aol.com
> Subject: scream3
> Date: Wed, 29 Apr 1998 17:29:21 EDT
> Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com)
> Mime-Version: 1.0
> Content-type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1
> Content-transfer-encoding: quoted-printable
>
> one night in a town called woodsboro ...
> a young girl alone at home on the computer ...
> suddenly, the familiar chime of the IM ...
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> do you like scary movies?
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> yeah.
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> what's your favorite scary movie?
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> i don't know.
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> come on. you gotta have a favorite. pick one.
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> okay. um ... SCREAM. you know the one with the girl from Party Of Five.
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> oh yeah. i liked the movie. it was scary.
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> so, why'd you wanna know?
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> because i want to know everything about you ... like I already do ...
> aol= =0Amember ...
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> how did you know i was an aol member?
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> duh ... cause you're talkin' to me on it now.
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> oh. well, you better leave me alone or else ...
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> or else what?
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> or else i'll punt your ass and then report you so your account will get
> k= icked=0Athe shit out of !!!
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> ooh, i'm scared. i'm shaking in my chair.
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> leave me alone or else ...
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> you don't even have a punter.
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> how would you know?
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> cause i can see you ...
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> who are you? leave me alone or i'm gonna call the TOS police.
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> they'd never make it in time. your computer only runs on 133 mhz.
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> you better leave me alone or else ...
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> or else what ?
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> or else my boyfriend'll be online any minute and your account will be
> gon= e !
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> his screen name wouldn't be ... GhStFaCe ...
> would it ?
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> how do you know his screen name?
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> check to see his account ...
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> *** GhStFaCe ACCOUNT TERMINATED ***
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> NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
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> MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !!!
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> what do you want ?
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> i wanna see your account terminated !
> right now ...
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> why?
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> you'll see why soon enough ... don't bother turning off your IMs ...
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> how did you know ... ?
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> look out your window ...
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> _________
> =09=A0 / _ _ \
> =09=A0 / I I I I \
> =09=A0 / / I I \ \
> =09=A0 / / I I \ \
> =09=A0 \ / I I \ /
> =09=A0 \ /___I I___\ /
> =09=A0 \ __ /
> =09=A0 / /__\ \
> =09=A0 / ______ \
> =09=A0 / / \ \
> =09=A0 \ / \ /
> =09=A0 \ / \ /
> =09=A0 \ \ / /
> =09=A0 \ \ / /
> =09=A0 \ \ / /
> =09=A0 \ \ / /
> =09=A0 \ \ / /
> =09=A0 \ \ / /
> =09=A0 \ \__/ /
> =09=A0 \ /
> =09=A0 \___/
> =09=A0
>
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> A
> A
> A
> A
> A
> A
> A
> A
> A
> A
> A
> H
> H
> H
> H
> H
> H
> H
> H
> H
> H
> H
> H
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
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> S C R E A M !!!
> you've been hit !!!
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> send this chain letter to five fellow
> S C R E A M
> fans or suffer the same fate as our young heroine. the decision lies in
> y= our=0Ahands.
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> will you make the right choice?
>
> one aol member has been selected as the GHOSTFACE killer ... until
> he/she= gets=0Athis chain letter, the chain must continue ...
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> or the reign of terror in wodsboro will NEVER end !!!
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> --part12_894401657_boundary--
>
> --part11_894401657_boundary--
>
> --part10_894401657_boundary--
>
> --part9_894401657_boundary--
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> --part8_894401657_boundary--
>
> --part7_894401657_boundary--
>
> --part6_894401657_boundary--
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> --part5_894401657_boundary--
>
> --part4_894401657_boundary--
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> --part3_894401657_boundary--
>
> --part2_894401657_boundary--
>
> --part1_894401657_boundary--
>
english.220krsta,
HUNDRED FACES = STOLICA
english.221madamov,
An old lady comes to her doctor with a very embarrassing ailment.
"Dr. Johnson, I am so embarrassed to tell you my problem, but I
really need help. I am constantly passing gas and I can't seem to
stop it." She goes on to say, "The good news is that they are
silent, and they have no odor."
Dr. Johnson asks, "How frequent do you think this is?" Well," she
says, "you wouldn't know it, but I have passed gas no less than
twenty times just since I have been in your office."
Dr. Johnson prescribes the old lady some pills and says, "Take one
of these three times a day for seven days, then come back and see
me. Don't come back until the end of the seven days."
She agrees and one week later she returns, very upset. "I don't
know what was in those pills, but things are MUCH worse now. I am
still passing just as much gas as before! They are still silent,
but now they smell terrible! What have you to say for your self
Dr. Johnson ?"
"Calm down! Says Dr. Johnson. "First things first! Now that
we have cleared your sinuses, we can work on your hearing."
english.222krsta,
IF U THINK THAT SEX IS FUNNY THEN FUCK YOURSELF AND SAVE THE MONEY!
BY
KRLE
english.223popovics,
-> #222, krsta
| IF U THINK THAT SEX IS FUNNY THEN FUCK YOURSELF AND SAVE THE
| MONEY!
Prava verzija:
Fuck is good
fuck is funny
everybody fucks for money
if you think that fuck is funny,
fuck yourself, and keep the money...
english.225rdejan,
There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the
confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest
said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to
me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and
squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice.
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
"No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
english.226dzakic,
25 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management
wants to hear.
7. Makes communication interesting due to mumbling and slurred
speech.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you
don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to
work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at
the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Increases your chances of seeing your coworkers drunk and naked.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch
break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
22. A list of 25 reasons, does not have to be 25 long.
english.227rdejan,
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to
leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time,
but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll
crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him
up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on
his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his
face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches
his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages
to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is
sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."