english.1apostol,
ENGLESKO-SRPSKI REžNIK
Ivan Apostolski
A Little Tomorrow = Malo Sutra
I am working with a full penny = Radim punom parom
Big knife tomorrow = Kama Sutra
I am talking alone with the room = Pričam sam sa sobom
Calculate on me = Računaj na mene
Yes Little Duck = Dapače
Hey Wire Wire Wire, My Raincoat is Shaking = Hej, žica, žica, žica, drma mi se
kabanica
Where are you, sick = đe si, bolan
Boys from the end = Momci iz kraja
Translate me to the second page of the street = Prevedite me na drugu stranu
ulice
Dark of the job = Taman posla
On the face of the place = Na licu mesta
How yes no = Kako da ne
Worked Melissa = Radio Mileva
Meat Community = Mesna Zajednica
They put him Foxes = Stavili su mu lisice
Bean Yourself = Opasulji se
Cabbaged book = Raskupusana knjiga
I axed myself very much = Mnogo sam se sekirao
Small Before = Malopre
Waiting All Right for Bread = čekanje u redu za hleb
Edge and Police Wagon = Ivica i Marica
In is = U, je!
Who Plums You = Ko te šljivi
Two Bad Milosh Dead = Dva loša ubiše Miloša
Whodrinks = Kopije
Just-steel = Baš-čelik
The In-fall of Little Mice = Upala mišića
Hello for Ready = Zdravo za gotovo
Blind Hose = Slepo crevo
Whochicken = Kopile
On-elephant = Naslon
It doesn't dog = Ne pasuje
I old about him = Ja se staram o njemu
Red on railways = Crveno na pruge
I am all on five = Sav sam napet
Sea march = More marš
Treasure to you = Blago tebi
Are railway = Supruga
He is a spitten father = On je pljunuti otac
Fade, see, joke = Veni, vidi, vic(i)
I have to fish the floor = Moram da ribam patos
Holy shit = Sveta Stolica
Lamb handkerchief = Jagnjeća maramica
He took a paining = Uzeo je bolovanje
Look at him receiving himself = Vidi ga kako se prima
Everything that is lost can be thrown up = Sve što je izgubljeno može se
povratiti
Lightbulb throat = Sijalično grlo
Priest singer = Pop-pevač
On those mothers = Natenane
The river blued the ground = Reka je poplavila zemlju
Everything is up and up = Sve je gore i gore
Onfuck = Najebati
Forfuck = Zajebati
Withfuck = Sjebati
Fromfuck = Izjebati
Offuck = Odjebati
New Now = Novi Sad
Castration City = Skoplje (alt. Withspear City = Skoplje)
Forescratch City = Zagreb
Wart City = Priština
Sarah Is An Ox City = Sarajevo
Wolfcook City = Vukovar
Saturday City = Subotica
Port Resort = Banja Luka (altern. Spa Harbor = Banja Luka)
Runaway Hair = Bežanijska Kosa
Oh Yes Gypsy Fox = Ada Ciganlija
To-Grandfather-her City = Dedinje
Notmind City = Neum
Slantox = Kosovo
Who Washes, Him Two = Ko umije njemu dvije
Don't lay devil = Ne lezi vraže
No Cat = Nemačka
And That Fox = Italija
No Yes Stolen = Neda Ukraden
Yes To Little Cannon = Dado Topić
Hope Big Cannon = Nada Topčagić
Government and Fairy-tale = Vlada i Bajka
Little Rose Little Juice = Ružica Sokić
Happy Account = Radoje Kontić
Freeman Gentlefuck = Slobodan Milošević
But I And Brother-In-Law Escape = Alija Izetbegović
Peace I on = Mirjana
Peacewho = Mirko
Kissopeace = Ljubomir
Andout = Ivan
Earlywho = Ranko
Mroftalp Gnikrow = Aleksandar (od Working Platform = Radna skela)
Gentleis = Miloje
Mildis = Blagoje
Apartmentwho (Flatwho) = Stanko
Colorado = Bojan
Apartmentandpeace = Stanimir
Warandpeace = Ratimir
Dearkiss = Dragoljub
Who-what-on = Koštana
Mt. Nick-Was-Digging = Kopaonik
Mt. Noise-Oils = Bukulja
Mt. I-Chorus-and-on = Jahorina
Mt. Damned-and-is = Prokletije
Mt. He-was-Like-an-Ox = Biokovo
Mt. Flat = Ravna Gora
P.S. Ako znate jos, mailnite apostol-a
english.2supers,
-> #1, apostol
Pošto je ponavljanje ovih prevoda dostiglo neslućene razmere, ja sam seo
pa skupio sve što je do sada bilo ovde...
english.txtenglish.3apostol,
EBO JO└┴┘ JEgAH:
Where did my pencil grandfather itself? = Gde mi se dede olovka???
english.4ratman,
-> #2, supers... a 'de je GOAT MOUNTAIN CIRCUIT ?
:)
Pozdrav,
Dejan.
english.5apostol,
EBO HOBuX ŃPEBO┌đ┐A:
Above late = Natkasna
Court slow = Sudski spor
With government = Savladati
english.6dejanr,
Ovo nam je, iz Južnoafričke republike, poslala Ranka Jovanović - čini
mi se da nije bilo na Sezamu:
Signs and notices written in English that were discovered and recorded at
locations throughout the world.
In a Beijing Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are
not a person to do such a thing is please not to read
notise.
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that
time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
!!!!!!!!!!
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the
cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a
number of wishing floor. Driving is then going
alphabetically by national order.
!!!!!!!!!!
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between
the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of
the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous
Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are
buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in
the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with
cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck
let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country
people's fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket:
For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient
self-service.
Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will
execute customers in strict rotation.
>From the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000
Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed
over the past two years.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping
site that people of different sex, for instance, men and
women, live together in one tent unless they are married
with each other for that purpose.
In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors
have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the
lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation
has been played.
In a Czechoslovakin tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee
no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:
To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop: Drive Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if
dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome
to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served
here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they
are best in the long run.
>From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in
your room, please control yourself.
>From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still
obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Mojorcan shop entrance:
- English well speaking
- Here speeching American.
Some additions to anguished English from Israeli menus:
1) sechel [Hebrew/Yiddish for intelligence] = brains
2) fresh bread daily daily [apparently yom yom]
3) planted egg salad = eggplant salad
english.7apostol,
Wishwho Ribswhat = Zeljko Rebraca
Governments Giant = Vlade űDivac
Sparkwho Dogburn = Zarko Paspalj
Stinghorn = Bodiroga ( űDEJAN je neprevodivo)
Overdear Dayandhunt = Predrag Danilovic
Eto, za slavlje...
english.8pyc.guy,
-> #7, apostol─── Stinghorn = Bodiroga ( űDEJAN je neprevodivo)
Kako? :)
Deyan ;)
Pyc
english.9mboban,
-> #8, pyc.guy=-= ─── Stinghorn = Bodiroga ( űDEJAN je neprevodivo)
=-=
=-= Kako? :)
=-= Deyan ;)
Ako mu skratiš ime na Deja, može lepo da se prevede sa WhereI. :)
english.10babbage,
Star Trek: The New Generation
episode 95
Enterprise meets Microsoft
continued in file...
startrek.msenglish.11babbage,
Na specijalni zahtev mr. sfilipa ;), evo ide još jedan:
Star Trek: The New Generation
unfortunate, last episode
Enterprise meets Alien
...continued in file.
startrekenglish.12ivan.mile,
Dejan Bodiroga = Deyan Stinghorn (*)
Predrag Danilović = Overdear Dayandhunt (*)
Saša Obradović = Withwhat About_chetnik (+)
Zoran Sretenović = Handsome Visitor_of_the_Virgin (+)
čarko Paspalj = Sparkwho Dogburn (*)
Miroslav Berić = We_dew_lion Collector
Aleksandar Đorđević = Mroftalp_Gnikrow Georgeyou
čeljko Rebrača = Wishwho Ribswhat (*)
Vlade Divac = Goverments Giant (*)
Zoran Savić = Handsome Withyou
Dejan Tomašević = Deyan Tomfucker
Dejan Koturović = Deyan Wheeler (kotur=točak)
(*) = by apostol
(+) = by Morton Benson
english.13apostol,
-> #12, ivan.mileZašto je Zoran = Handsome, ne znam. Zoran je po meni Dawn ili Dawnman.
Miroslav je bolje kao Peacecelebrator.
"VIĆ" se ne prevodi - čak ni kao "you", jer onda ostaje besmisleno "Ć"
Obradović je bolje "Joyman"
Ostalo je OK, naročito što si upotrebio moj prevod imena "ALEKSANDAR" :))))))
english.14apostol,
I've been assing in the screen all day = žitav dan buljim u ekran
I have onshouted on everything = Na sve sam navikao
english.15supers,
Englesko-srpski rečnik bukvalizama, drugo izdanje :)
prevodi.vicenglish.18avvocato,
-> #9, mbobangree>= -= ─── Stinghorn = Bodiroga ( űDEJAN je neprevodivo)
gree>= -=
gree>= -= Kako? :)
gree>= -= Deyan ;)
gree>
gree> Ako mu skratiš ime na Deja, može lepo da se prevede sa WhereI. :)
WhereIan...
(iako Ian se u originalu izgovara kao "In", al' kod nas se "uvrežilo" "Jan"...)
english.19maksa,
Iz romana Terminal Compromise:
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs were in Europe and got to meet the
Pope. Dopey really wanted to ask the Pope a few questions.
- "Mr. Pope, Mr. Pope. Do you have pretty nuns?"
- "Of course we do, Dopey."
- "Mr. Pope, do you have fat ugly nuns?"
- "Why, yes, Dopey, we do."
- "And I bet, Mr. Pope, that you have some tall skinny nuns, too."
- "Yes, Dopey we do."
- "Mr. Pope? Do you have nuns in Chicago?"
- "Yes, Dopey, we have nuns in Chicago?"
- "And in San Francisco and New York?"
- "Yes, Dopey."
- "And do you have nuns in Africa and Australia and in France?"
- "Yes, Dopey. We have nuns everywhere."
Dopey took a second to think and finally asked:
- "Mr. Pope? Do you have nuns in Antarctica?"
- "No, Dopey, I'm sorry, we don't have any nuns in Antarctica."
The other six dwarfs immediately broke out into a laughing song:
"Dopey fucked a penguin. Dopey fucked a penguin."
english.20apostol,
Šta je to: WITHOUT AND APARTMENT?
Bezistan!
english.21paki,
-> #18, avvocato> (iako Ian se u originalu izgovara kao "In", al' kod nas se "uvrežilo"
> "Jan"...)
In Gilan?
english.22pyc.guy,
-> #20, apostol─── Sta je to: WITHOUT AND APARTMENT?
─── Bezistan!
Runaway-flat
Pyc
english.24.obj,
THE FOLLOWING IS *NOT* FROM
Microsoft(R) WinNews Electronic Newsletter
Vol. 2, #10, July 5, 1995
God decides it's time for the world to end, and calls three leaders
up to heaven to give them the warning. He summons Bill Clinton, Boris
Yeltsin, and Bill Gates, and gives them the news.
President Clinton calls a mongo press conference, and addresses the
nation. "My fellow Americans," he reports, "I have some good news and
some bad news. The good news is that there *is* a God, so the spiritual
beliefs upon which this nation was founded have been proven sound. The
bad news is that the world is going to end in one week."
Similarly, Boris Yeltsin addresses his people. "My fellow citizens -
comrades, capitalists, whatever - I have some bad news for you, and I
have some worse news. The bad news is there *is* a God, so everything
that we have believed in since the Revolution of 1917 appears to be
wrong. The worse news is that the world is going to end in one week."
Bill Gates chairs a meeting of all of the Microsoft management team,
and the A/V feed is piped into all of the Microsoft facilities, so that
everyone who's at work can hear the proceedings. "I have some good news,
and some *great* news!" he announces, "The good news is that God thinks
I'm really important! And the *great* news is that we're *never* gonna
hafta ship Windows 95!"
english.25ndragan,
-> #21, paki/ In Gilan?
From Gilan, tj iz Gnjilana. Kao i onaj Leonardo iz Vinče i onaj žarli iz
žapljine.
english.26zkecman,
Nadam se da ide ovde : So long :
BLONDE JOKES
1. Why don't blondes eat pickles?
Because they get their heads stuck in the jar!
2. Why don't blondes like Kool-Aid?
They can't fit two quarts of water into the little package!
3. Why do blonde wash their hair in the kitchen sink?
That's the right place to wash vegetables.
4. Why do blonde have the letters T.G.I.F. on their shoes?
To remind them - Toes Go In First!
5. What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up!
6. What do you do if a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back!
7. How do you get a blonde's eyes to sparkle?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
8. How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
Blow in her ear.
9. What does a blonde say after you blow in her ear.
Thanks for the refill!
10. What do you call a pimple on a blonde's butt?
A brain tumor.
11. What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted!
12. What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair black.
Artificial intelligence.
13. What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
You can park in handicapped zones!
14. What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes?
An interpreter.
15. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday!
16. How do you murder a blonde?
Put spikes on her shoulder pads.
17. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
White-Out on the screen!
18. What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to put information in a computer once!
19. What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A WHINE cellar.
20. What does a smart blonde and a dinosaur have in common?
They are both extinct.
21. What's the difference between Big Foot and a smart blonde?
At least there are claims that Big Foot has been sighted.
22. If there was a $100 bill lying on the ground and there were (A) Santa
Claus, (B) A dumb
blonde, (C) The Easter Bunny, and (D) A smart blonde all standing there,
who would pick
up the $100 bill?
(B) The dumb blonde. The rest are all fictional characters!
23. If a blonde and a brunette both fell off a building at the same time, who
would hit the ground
first?
The brunette, the blonde would have to stop and ask directions.
24. Two blondes were lost in the woods and they came upon some tracks. The
first blonde
said, "Look deer tracks". and the other one said, "No, they look like moose
tracks to me".
They were still arguing when the train hit them!
25. How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
ONE - she holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
26. Why shouldn't blondes be given a coffee break?
It takes too long to retrain them.
27. How can you tell if a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies?
By the M&M shells on the counter!
28. How do you keep a blonde busy for a week?
Hand her a box of M&Ms and have her alphabetize them!
29. What do you call five blondes standing in a row?
A wind tunnel!
30. Why do blondes wear their bangs combed upwards?
To stop everything from going over their head.
31. What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tight over her ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
32. How do you drown a blonde?
Put a mirror on the bottom of the pool.
33. What do you call a freezer full of blondes?
Frosted flakes!
34. What is the mating call of a blonde?
I think I'm Sooooo drunk!
35. What is the mating call of a brunette?
Are the blondes gone yet?
36. What is the mating call of a redhead?
NEXT!
37. What do you say to a blonde to convince her to go to bed with you?
Have another beer.
38. How does a blond turn on the lights after love making?
She opens the car door.
39. What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
The older they get the easier they are to pick up!
40. Why do blondes wear hoop earrings.
To have a place to rest their ankles.
41. What does a blonde do first thing in the morning?
Introduces herself and goes home.
42. What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head?
All you can eat for a buck.
43. What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.
44. Why do blondes wear underwear?
To keep their ankles warm.
45. Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
More headroom!
46. What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common.
They both have "Black Boxes".
47. What do blondes and turtles have in common?
Once they are on their backs, They're gonna get screwed!
48. What does a blonde and your computer have in common?
You don't realize how much either means to you until after they go
down!
49. What is the difference between a blond and bowling ball?
You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
50. Why do blondes have square breasts?
They didn't take the Kleenex out of the box.
51. What dose a blonde say after sex?
Are you guys all on the same team?
52. How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
53. What does a blonde say after she is told by a doctor she is pregnant?
Is it mine?
VOTE FOR ME !!
english.27zkecman,
I ovo se nadam da ide ovde: So long :
Undocumented 8088/8086 Instruction Set
Assembler programs are written with short abbreviations called
MNEMONICS, in other words instead of writing GOTO, the programmer
writes JMP or even BRA (branch). These instructions are frequently
abbreviated into total incomprehensibility.
Of course, we all know that abbreviations are arbitrary. Anyone
who has spent any time programming in assembler knows that all
computers can be programmed using an undocumented set of
instructions. Frequently when an error is made writing a program in
assembler a user can actually see the program executing the
undocumented instructions.
These instructions vary from machine from machine, but all
computers have a certain set of them in common. As a service to
humanity, I am here revealing these common instructions for the first
time.
ARG : Agree to Run Garbage
BDM : Branch and Destroy Memory
CMN : Convert to Mayan Numerals
DDS : Damage Disk and Stop
EMR : Emit Microwave Radiation
ETO : Emulate Toaster Oven
FSE : Fake Serious Error
GSI : Garble Subsequent Instructions
GQS : Go Quarter Speed
HEM : Hide Evidence of Malfunction
IDD : Inhale Dust and Die
IKI : Ignore Keyboard Input
IMU : Irradiate and Mutate User
JPF : Jam Paper Feed
JUM : Jeer at Users Mistake
KFP : Kindle Fire in Printer
LNM : Launch Nuclear Missles
MAW : Make Aggravating Whine
NNI : Neglect Next Instruction
OBU : Overheat and Burn if Unattended
PNG : Pass Noxious Gas
QWF : Quit Working Forever
QVC : Question Valid Command
RWD : Read Wrong Device
SCE : Simulate Correct Execution
SDJ : Send Data to Japan
TTC : Tangle Tape and Crash
UBC : Use Bad Chip
VDP : Violate Design Parameters
VMB : Verify and Make Bad
WAF : Warn After Fact
XID : eXchange Instruction with data
YII : Yield to Irresistible Impulse
ZAM : Zero All Memory
VOTE FOR ME !!
english.28zkecman,
Ovo sto posto ide ovde : So long :
STAR TREK V - The EMAIL Message
(or More Trouble Than Tribbles)
The following was gleaned from a ship's log adrift in space near the
new nebula LANpoop, named for the Starship LANpoop, which disappeared
at about the same time the nebula appeared in the Atlanta Cluster in the
Georgia galaxy, Sector 3, Quadrant 7.
"Stardate 3.1.415.927, Admiral George P. Burdell, MIS Starship LANpoop.
"We recently ran out of space on our F: drive (a networked DOS partition
on STIATL (our unix isolation ward hardware), which is networked to some
VAXen via TCP/IP). We realized we were silly to tie ourselves to 1 drive with
limited potential, and soon schemed to create a truly virtual F: drive from
our available resources. Steve Lyle, our Systems Administrator, 1st class,
carried out the operation, without consulting the Captain of the Starship
LANpoop."
Captain: "Status report, Mr. Spock?"
Spock: "I'm querying the new NetManager, now, Captain."
Sulu: "Captain! All dialup ports frozen solid!"
Captain: "Mr. Scott! Whats happening down there?"
Scott: "I dunna ae tellee burra syncing ona e disks, forsooth?"
Captain: "Huh???"
Chekov: "Sir, I believe he said, "I dunna ae tellee burra syncing ona e
disks, forsooth?""
Captain: "Say what?"
Spock: "Sir, I believe he said the disks are full, and backfeeding bits
onto the BI bus. I've got the NetManager query response coming in now."
Admiral: (smiling) "Mr. Chekov, may I remind you that baiting an officer is a
dangerous game?"
Sulu: (whispered) "It's better than no game at all."
NetManager: "VAX01 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
"VAX02 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
"VAX03 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
"VAX04 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
Captain: "Spock! What could have happened?"
Spock: "Insufficient data, Captain, but the ship's disk log seems to indicate
that the F: drive has broken out of the UNIX isolation ward and grown to
an incredible size. It must have eaten all of our spare disk to do this."
Sulu: "Captain, we've got inbound WATS customers on TTYs 1, 5, and 7. All of
them say their respective Commtasks are dying, and they have gone to
Condition Red. LANfleet command is on the LA120 with an urgent message to
help them."
Captain: "Spock?"
Spock: "Not without more resources, Ron."
Captain: "Mr. Scott!!! I need more disk! Giga factor 2!"
Scott: "Huh???"
Spock: "Allow me, Captain. Mr. Scott, thah captain sesd heanz seasd na ha
mure spece onha deesk ana hea musthef 2 gig or mure."
Captain: (head in hands, quietly) "Why did I ever leave the Equifax?"
Scott: "I canna dewit! We hefna thah moolah allocayhted theys fiscahlyeer!"
Captain: "Huh???"
Chekov: "I believe he said..."
Captain: "Myester Sulooh shuhht hyim oop! Iya ken heeyear tha noiz mahself!"
Spock: "Sir, I believe he said we can't afford it."
Captain: "Beam me to finance, Mr. Scott."
Spock: "Wait, captain. Not yet. Dr. McCoy and Lt. Anderson have been training
a new F: drive expert over in PD. Corporal Lyle, I think. Maybe he can
help."
NetManager: "...VAX318 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
"VAX319 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
"VAX320 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
Captain: "Mr. Spock! Can you shut that thing..."
Spock: "Wait!"
NetManager: "STIATL - urgent msg for lyle: F: drive full"
Spock: "Fascinating. Here's the trouble. The STIATL drive filled up, and a
virtual F:olator kicked in, allowing the other drives on the net to
consume themselves. Even the Warp drive is full. All the dilithium
crystals got archived to tape to make room for DOS programs."
Captain: "DOS!!! I thought we pawned those off on the Klingons. We did!
I remember. The MS plague wiped them out!"
Spock: "Yes, sir, but DOS are like tribbles, but MUCH less friendly, and
MUCH more dangerous."
Captain: "This is the Captain! Prepare to abandon ship! Mr. Spock, activate
self-destruct sequence..."
The recorded conversation is followed by a noise suspiciosly similar to that
made by a mongo EMP applied to the recorder circuits of a Starship's log.
The investigation is proceeding apace.
Disclaimer: You know how it goes, I'm sure.
VOTE FOR ME !!
english.29zkecman,
* Tasteless Jokes *
---------------
06-26-92
The following are a collection of tasteless jokes that I have heard in my
travels. Enjoy!
NASA
----
Where did the Challenger crew take their vacation?
All over Florida
CELEBRITIES
-----------
What kind of wood doesn't float?
Natalie Wood
Natalie Wood did not shower the day of her death. Her reason?
She wanted to wash up later on the beach
Why did Jessica Savitch's car sink to the bottom of the canal with her
in it?
She was the anchor-woman
What did they find in Jessica Savitch's glove compartment when they
pulled the car from the canal?
Ted Kennedy's road maps
SERIAL KILLERS
--------------
How did they find out Jeffrey Dahmer was a cigarette smoker?
They found a bunch of butts behind his couch
What is Jeffrey Dahmer's favorite line of clothing?
Dis-Members Only
Jeffrey Dahmer had his mother over for dinner when she suddenly said,
"You know, Jeffrey, I don't like your neighbors..."
Which he responded, "Just eat the vegetables then..."
ETHIOPIANS
----------
How many Ethiopians can you fit in a phone booth?
All of them
What do you call an Ethiopian with a fur coat on?
A pipe cleaner
What do you call an Ethiopian walking a dog?
A caterer
AIDS
----
Doctor: "Your wife either has Ahlzeimer's or AIDS."
Husband: "How can we find out which?"
Doctor: "I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take
your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her
way home; don't fuck her."
What does MAGIC stand for in Magic Johnson?
My Ass Got Infected Coach
How did David Copperfield catch AIDS?
He was playing with Magic (D.C. has never been reported as having AIDS)
When asked how his daughter does not have AIDS and he does, Magic Johnson
replied: "I used a condom".
DATING
------
Woman answers a knock at the door and is greeted with roses.
Her Girl Friend: "Who are they from?"
Woman: "My boyfriend; guess that means I'll have to keep my legs open
all weekend"
Girl Friend: "Why not use a vase?" <ouch!>
BLONDES
-------
Why do blondes wear panties?
To keep their ankles warm
FOOD
----
Customer: "Waiter, is that Monk-fish blackened or broiled?"
Waiter: "Neither, its a fryer" (ba-da-boom)
Pozdrav od mene. SALE.CAR
english.30zkecman,
Sad malo naucnih.
ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS IN THE U.S.A.
(Who said the American education system is below par?)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
1. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the
species.
2. Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats
backwards.
3. The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it
made man think.
4. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and
caterpillers.
5. The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
6. To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the
water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get
back in.
7. The process of turning steam back into water again is called
conversation.
8. A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
9. The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
10. The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
11. To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male
wears a condominium.
12. To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in
a test tube.
13. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of
them.
14. Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you
are talking about.
15. Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
16. A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
17. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against
insects.
18. The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only itis even
deader.
19. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the
cow instead of the bull.
20. An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull
that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
21. We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by
spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
22. English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and
soil his corpse.
23. By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of
long-haired sheep.
24. If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period
of adolescence.
25. Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them
and makes them perspire.
26. Vegetative propagation is the process by which one
individual manufactures another individual by accident.
27. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than
it can hold.
28. A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called
an obscene triangle.
29. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
30. A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not
quite so often in the winter.
31. The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
32. When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get
a glacier.
33. It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
34. Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human
branes have more convulsions.
35. For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady,
rub her arm above the hand instead.
36. For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it
gently back and forth.
37. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days.
If he has not recovered, then kill it.
38. For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
39. For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and
down to make artificial perspiration.
40. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
41. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it
drops in your throat.
42. For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a
blanket for shock.
43. For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the
patient is dead.
44. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood
is affirmative or negative.
45. Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets
have east and west poles.
46. When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ
did long ago in wintertime.
47. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon
monoxide.
- end of file -
HIgh
english.31zkecman,
THE CREATION
In the beginning, all was void, with the spirit of God
brooding over the dark vapors.
Then God said, "Let there be Byte," and there was Byte.
God saw the Byte, and was pleased with it, and divided the
Byte into Bits. He created a multitude of zeros, for zeros
were all there were.
On the Second day God toyed with the Bytes, and
organized some of them into groups, to which He said, "You
shall be called Words, for from Bytes you came, and of Bytes
are you composed."
On the Third day God said (to whom God was talking has
never been ascertained or even questioned), "I have Words,
made up of Bytes, made up of Bits. But something's
missing."
So God scraped up a lump of clay, squeezed it tightly
in His mighty hands, and flung it against the sky, where it
solidified into a smokey mass. God saw the steaming heap,
that it was good, and was pleased, and said to it, "You
shall be called Hardware, a home for My Words and Bytes and
Bits, and as you are the very first of your kind I shall
call you CPU."
And God turned, and with a flick of His wrist spewed
forth tape drives ("For you shall serve as a temporary home
for My words..."), discs, paper tape, terminals, on-line
printers, entire remote stations, whole teleprocessing
installations.
And God saw all this sparkling in the heavens, that it
was good, and He was pleased.
Having done all this, God rested.
On the Fourth day, God reviewed all that He had done.
He saw His Bits and His Bytes residing statically on an
infinite variety of media. But He was not pleased.
"Something's missing," said He. "I need to animate My
treasured Bytes, to give them Life."
So God leaned back, touched a soiled hand to His mighty
brow, and with one single, all-powerful thought, set His
hardware in motion.
"You," said He to the intangible breath now coursing
through His hardware, "I shall call software, for..." and so
on, and so forth.
And He continued, "You are the first, the best, the
most perfect and omnipotent software." And divided the
software into many parts; into utilities, compilers, system
libraries and His favorite, most privilieged and beloved
operating system.
God was pleased, so He rested.
On the Fifth day, God again surveyed all that He had
done, and was filled with joy. He found that with His
creation he could determine the value of Pi to ten thousand
digits. He found that He could produce flowcharts of His
beloved operating system, and these He posted by His throne.
He discovered that He could run off Snoopy calenders,
pictures of the Mona Lisa, and witty little computer
accounts of The Creation. And with a terminal at His
throne, He didn't have to travel halfway to Hell to access
His system.
He called His creation "Imperatatum Byte Magnamus" (or
"IBM" for short).
But all was not well. God's beloved system was so
large, so complex, that even the mighty God - maker of
heavens and earth (but that's another story), the Builder
of the CPU and virtual memory, the Author of Fortran -
was hard-pressed to keep up on how everything worked.
So God said, "I'll make Me a Man."
And He did, and to the man He said, "You shall be
called (logically enough) "Man," and to you shall fall the
responsibility of maintaining all that I have done."
And to keep man happy after-hours, God gave him Woman,
saying to man, "For I know that even Bytes get lonely for a
little Bit."
And God rested, chuckling at His own little play on
words.
On the Sixth day, God mounted His throne, logged onto
His terminal, and engaged in a full day of uninterrupted
1-second turnaround. He saw all that He had done, that it
was good. He was pleased that from His first Byte He had
created such a wonderful and extensive toy. He created file
after file, He performed advanced and impressive on-line
data base updates, He wrote a faster and more extensive
Fortran compiler, and in general rejoiced in the perfection
of His I.B.M.
After a hard day's work on a hot terminal - during
which man was quitely familiarizing himself with the system
documentation - God called it a day ("You I shall call
day..." and so forth) and went to sleep.
On the Seventh day - so tired was He from the week's
labors - God slept all day. What transpired on that crucial
seventh day is recounted in the "Fall of Man..."
THE FALL OF MAN
Late in the Sixth day of creation, woman called him at
work and begged him to come home, as dinner was getting
cold. Man grudgingly consented, but brought home with him a
copy of the system documentation to study.
After dinner, woman cooed some suggestive little sighs
and slipped invitingly into bed. Man followed, but - being
beat after a hard day at the office - fell straight to
sleep. Woman had an indescribable inner feeling that this
was not how things should be on their first night in bed (or
in existence, for that matter), and disdainfully flung man's
notebook from the nightstand. The book fell open to an
important-looking page marked "WARNING" in bold letters.
Now, woman was possessed of insatiable curiosity. God
- we must assume - had been entirely familiar with
contempary Greek writings on the subject, particularly with
the escapades of a wayward feminist named Pandora. At any
rate, woman picked up the book, and read: WARNING: "You I
have created to matintatin application programs and to
operate My beloved I.B.M. You may partake of My utilities,
My Fortran, My files and tapes and flowcharts. But with My
operating system thou shalt not tamper, for to the user it
giveth unlimited MASTER MODE powers..."
Woman - being as greedy as she was beautiful -
immediately woke man. She derided him for his sheepishness,
for his lack of initiative, for his cowering before a silly
machine. She filled his mind with thoughts of power and
greed, and instilled in him the resolve to win for himself
all the privileges of the operating system.
Besides, reasoned woman, as boss, man won't come home
dead tired, and might be worth something after dinner...
So man returned to work the next day, intent on
breaching the operating system. He needled, he patched, he
disguised clever little traps in his programs which - for
tantalyzingly brief periods of time - slipped into master
mode. By the end of the Seventh day, man was so close to
mastering the operating system that he didn't go home 'til
very late. So pleased was he - and so sure that the coming
day would reward him with total control of God's own system
- that he whistled all the way home, and when he got there
snuck into the bedroom and gave woman a pleasant surprise...
Early on the Eighth day, man did it. God was on the
terminal early, playing blackjack with His computer. So man
was able to submit his carefully-prepared batch job without
being noticed. The system burped, God's terminal blinked
once but then all was normal. Man's heart lept. It was his
operating system now, not God's. For a moment he stood
stunned with the impact of his move. Then - with a
self-assurance that only novice programmers can truly
appreciate - he seated himself at the master console, and
pushed the attention key. His hands trembling with
excitement, he began to type "DELETE G-O-D".
BINGO.
Just as He was about to hit the carriage return - and
with the system $500 ahead in God's blackjack game (God
holding 20 for a thousand-dollar pot) - the system crashed.
God was furious.
"You ignored My warning," said He to man, as woman
wailed pathetically that she had had nothing to do with it.
"You violated My beloved system, and dared think that you
could become as one with God."
He waved man disdainfully from His sight. He then
reached into His I.B.M., took a handful of core, mutilated
it a little, and flung it after man.
"Go," said He to the slice of core, "and multiply into
a host of inferior systems, each more prostituted and
glitch-filled than the last. And perhaps if man's time is
wasted debugging inferior systems, I won't be bothered by
him."
And that - according to the book of Byte - is why the
world consists of two type of computers: IBM, and all the
rest.
And so it is that certain individuals are born to serve
God's favorite IBM, while others are condemned to suffer the
damnation of amateur "other" computer companies.
But if you're very good, and if you're honest and
trustworthy and like to work twenty hours a day without
material reward, then you may well hope that one day you
will be selected to move up through Xerox to Burroughs to
Honeywell to Univac to that great system in the sky whose
initials inspire men to this very day - I.B.M..
--
VOTE FOR ME !!
english.32zkecman,
Chemical Analysis
Element : Woman
Symbol : WO
Discoverer : Adam
Quantitative Analysis: Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from
25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have been identified
Occurance: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive,
energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas
Physical Properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely
nothing, and freezes at a moments notice. Totally unpredictable. Melts when
properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in various states,
ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic but attracted by coins
& sports cars. In its natural shape the secimen varys considerably, but it is
often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernable except to
the experienced eye.
Chemical Properties: Has a great affinity for AU, AG, & C, especially in the
crystalline form. May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great
amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with various
reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH & sexy aftershave. An essential catalyst is
often required (must say that you love her at least 5 times daily). Reaction
accelerates out of control when in dark & all reaction conditions are
suitable. Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form.
Yields to pressure applied to correct points. The reaction is highly
exothermic.
Storage: Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 & 25 years.
Uses: Highly ornamental. Uses as a tonic for low spirits. Used on lonely
nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).
Tests: Pure specimens turn rosey tint if discovered in raw, natural state.
Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.
Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income & ego). Highly
explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if
experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess more than one permanent
specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is permitted.
VOTE FOR ME !!
english.33zkecman,
I'm a hacker and I'm OK
I work all night and I sleep all day.
--
I wrote some hacks in APL,
each on a single line.
They're mutually recursive,
and run in n-squared time.
(chorus)
Oh, he's a hacker and he's ok,
He works all night and he sleeps all day.
I'm a hacker and I'm ok,
I work all night and I sleep all day.
--
I wrote two hacks in Macro,
with UUO's galore.
One plays Nim on the console lights
while the other zeros core.
(chorus)
I wrote a hack in SNOBOL
with FORTRAN subroutines.
It spits out trashy stories
for ladies' magazines.
(chorus)
I wrote some hacks in InterLisp,
they barely fit in core.
The swapper thrashed its guts out,
So now it runs no more.
(chorus)
I wrote a hack in microcode,
with a goto on each line.
It runs as fast as Superman,
But not quite every time.
(chorus)
I wrote some hacks in Ada,
and still can't run them yet.
Do you suppose we'll see that day?
On it I would not bet.
(chorus)
I wrote a hack for UNIX,
when it was still in vogue.
It knows the tricks to PacMan,
and plays mean games of Rogue.
(chorus)
I wrote some hacks, distributed,
across our neat gateway.
Each one of its 10 functions
kills RIG in a different way!
(chorus)
I wrote some hacks in Mlisp,
to edit files of root.
It writes them back no-execute,
and now it won't reboot!
(chorus)
I wrote some hacks to manage jobs
with PLITS and IPC.
Its very first activity
was firing the faculty.
(chorus)
I wrote some hacks with P and V
to synchronize my life.
Now I can't use the bathroom,
I'm deadlocked with my wife!
(chorus)
I wrote a hack(in theory),
it may not ever halt.
But if it does, just watch out...
[Fatal Error: Infinite Page Fault]
(chorus)
I wrote a hack with hough transforms
for the folks at DoD.
It'll guide their fancy missles
to Washington D.C.
--
I'm a hacker and I'm OK
I work all night and I sleep all day.
I'll have a system of my own someday,
that'll run my code in a hacked up way.
--tvr
------
Pozdrav, Sale.Car
english.34zkecman,
Q B X - 1
SINGLE-BOARD NUCLEAR REACTOR
SUPPLIES STANDBY POWER FOR 12 YEARS
Now available on a full-length plugin card for IBM PC or
compatible computers, the QBX-1 add-on nuclear-reactor card
provides backup power for as long as 12 years. When the card
senses a power failure, explosive bolts eject moderator and
control rods from the reactor's interior within 20 usec, bringing
the reactor to its fully rated output of 20 kW in less than a
millisecond. Over its 12-year active life, the reactor's power
decreases by 25% to 15 kW.
Integral heat fins provide convection cooling of the
reactor's 500W power dissipation while in its standby condition.
If your computer's fans can't furnish 400 ft3/sec of forced air
for cooling, consider buying the manufacturer's heavy-water
cooling jacket and stainless-steel pump module, which fit con-
veniently under a desk or workbench. Latches on each side of the
reactor module let you quickly exchange the radioactive core,
should you need to replace it. An optional circular viewing port
of lead glass lets you check the mechanical assemblies.
To protect users from undue radiation, each reactor includes
a shielding kit comprising five self-stick lead plates and 20
radiation-monitoring film badges. The lead plates mount inside
your computer's enclosure and reduce the gamma rays that cause
soft errors to floppy-disk and RAM data. For further protection,
consider buying the manufacturer's 200-ft extension cords for
keyboards and monitors.
Because the reactor can supply more than enough power for
your computer, you can sell excess power to your local utility
company. An add-on phasing and metering kit (PMK-1) lets you
connect your reactor to the local power grid. Each PMK-1
includes standard power-sale contracts and Rural Electrification
Board rules and regulations.
Although not required in all localities, each reactor card
package includes a standard 23-volume site-evacuation plan. The
plan includes blank forms for you to fill in the name and address
of your reactor side and then mail to the Nuclear Regulatory
Commission. As an option, the manufacturer supplies the plan on
12 MS-DOS-compatible disks in Wordstar format. User-friendly
templates let you type in information so that your word processor
can create a complete, printed document.
Reactor prices start at $2.3 million. Delivery, seven years
ARO.
Pozdrav, Sale.Car
english.35zkecman,
Luminesent Electronics Products Inc.
Box U-235
Trinity Site, NM 43210
GMTA = Great Minds Think Alike LOL =lauging out loud
BTW = By The Way... OTF = on the floor (laughing)
GTRM = Going To Read Mail afk = away from keyboard
:| = bored < also :I > bak = back at keyboard
BBL = Be Back Later brb = be right back
J/K = Just Kidding Txs = Thanks
:) = smile {} a hug
:D = smile/laughing :( frown
:* = kiss :'( crying
;) = wink O:) angel
:X = my lips are sealed }:> devil
:P = sticking out tongue (_)] Beer
\\//_ Vulcan salute
\o/ Praise the Lord, pray, whatever...
->>>>>>>-- Feather=just teasing, tickling
NIFOC -- Nude In Front Of Computer
:0 -- smiley face of one with braces (i.e., Jon)
CUL8er - See you Later
OIC - Oh I See
:0 - Kiss with mouth open (be careful when hitting the shift key when
typing :) --- you could give a :0 to somebody you intended to give a :) too!)
:p - Kissing with tounge stuck out
() - Cuddling
<> - Making Love
>< - Opposite of above - not to be used in polite company
:[ - Dracula bite on the neck
:O - Yawn (falling asleep)
{} - fuzzie hug
\/-- - square root (not used often)
|_|} - cup of coffee (or other beverage)
OA-Q - Leaving
O-|-< (dead body)Useful for bad jokes, or good jokes
` :") ------smiling indian(you all know how to make a sad indian)
C|:) ------wearing a cap
[|:) ------wearing a top hat
:S ------confused, or silly face
zzzzz -------very bored
:L --------drooling
:L~~ --------drooling on keyboard
$) ---------greedy
X) ----------closed eyes
(hmm)Ooo.. :) ---thinking happy thoughts
(hmm)Ooo.. :( ---thinking sad thoughts
(hmm)Ooo.. :> ---thinking naughty thoughts
@--`-,---- A rose for you....
########## Train tracks/fence (I don't know what you'd use this for)
=:H Rabbit face (cute huh?)
BFD Big Flying Deal!
WGFF? Who Gives A Flyin...?
DITYID Did I Tell You I'm Distressed?
S:) Smiling Pompadour (or Geeky haircut)
PU That Stinks!
SOL Smiling Out Loud (or You're Out of Luc
Pozdrav, Sale.Car
english.36apostol,
Evo još jednog fazona
Nor is not naked = Nije nego (ni je ne go)
english.37nameci,
Treba mi hitno tj trebaju mi skečevi od Motni Pajtona. Ako ima
neko neka javi na mail. Slijedi upload litre piva :)
Pozdrav
english.40knight,
-> #37, nameci> Treba mi hitno tj trebaju mi skečevi od Motni Pajtona. Ako ima
> neko neka javi na mail. Slijedi upload litre piva :)
Ima fajl od preko dvesta kila, okačeno u ovoj temi pre 2
godine (za broj confa se snađi sam).
Btw, zašto je hitno, ako nije tajna? Neka priredba?.. :))
english.41fancy,
-> #40, knightŮŢ> Btw, zašto je hitno, ako nije tajna? Neka priredba?.. :))
Dolazi im uvaženi gost iz Hrvatske na kafu, pa spremaju program ;)
english.42nemko,
-> #41, fancy)>- Dolazi im uvaženi gost iz Hrvatske na kafu, pa spremaju
)>- program ;)
A zakuska, kolacici (nemojte zaboraviti da se mesto secera u prahu
stavlja kreozan).
>> Ko zna, shvatice. ;)
english.43knight,
-> #40, knight> Ima fajl od preko dvesta kila, okačeno u ovoj temi pre 2
> godine (za broj confa se snađi sam).
Pardon, ne ovde nego u temi film.
Ide i vic (zbog... brisanja ;))
VOTE FOR ME! ;))
english.44apostol,
Kako se kaze na engleskom "JA SAM DOSADA BIO DOBAR"?
"I ALONE BOREDOM WAS GOOD"
english.45vujos,
> Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a
> London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel
> involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.
>
>
> WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELLING
> ******************************************************
>
> Dear Maid,
> Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
> bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove
> the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest
> and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
> Thank you,
> S. Berman
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dear Room 635,
> I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from
> her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as
> you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and
> put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your
> mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions
> from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily.
> I hope this is satisfactory.
> Kathy, Relief Maid
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
> Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
> little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found
> you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
> I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my
> own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on
> the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
> Please remove them.
> S. Berman
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dear Mr. Berman,
> My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which
> we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in
> your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial
> was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.
> I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed
> inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did
> not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me
> know if I can of further assistance.
> Your regular maid,
> Dotty
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dear Mr. Berman,
> The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you
> called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
> service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will
> accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any
> future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal
> attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
> Elaine Carmen
> Housekeeper
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dear Miss Carmen,
> It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
> business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the
> reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
> I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
> bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
> new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
> medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
> bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little
> bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
> S. Berman
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dear Mr. Berman,
> Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
> room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
> please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
> Elaine Carmen,
> Housekeeper
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dear Mr. Kensedder,
> My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my
> room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and
> had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
> S. Berman
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dear Mr. Berman,
> I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.
> I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids
> are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.
> The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my
> apologies for the inconvenience.
> Martin L. Kensedder
> Assistant Manager
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dear Mrs. Carmen,
> Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last
> night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars
> of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I
> have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial.
> Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
> S. Berman
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dear Mr. Berman,
> You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
> Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so
> I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and
> the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know
> anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy,
> did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays
> plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this
> hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size
> Ivory which I left in your room.
> Elaine Carmen
> Housekeeper
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dear Mrs. Carmen,
> Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
> As of today I possess:
>
>
> - On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack
>of 2
> - On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
> - On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
>hotel-size
> Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
> - Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
> - In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
> - On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
> - On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
>
> Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
> neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
> than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window
> sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap
> deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized
> Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
> misunderstandings.
> S. Berman
─────────────
english.46apostol,
Burn = Ložiti
Onburn = Naložiti (dati nalog)
Fromburn = Odložiti
Fromburn (2) = Izložiti
Beforeburn = Predložiti
Inburn = Uložiti
Slaže se, zar ne?
english.52ganta,
Funny Unix csh/sh commands:
===========================
% cat "food in cans"
cat: can't open food in cans
% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.
% rm God
rm: God nonexistent
% ar t God
ar: God does not exist
% ar r God
ar: creating God
% "How would you rate Quayle's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% ŠWhere is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing Ć.
% žHow did the sex change operation go?ž
Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
/* not csh but sh */
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
$ drink <bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found
english.53ganta,
Top Ten Signs You are an Internet Geek
------------------------
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your
IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead
your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends email.
7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out
how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt
contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my ladyčhome.wife" and refer to your
children as "client applications".
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out,
"I feel so "colon-right parentheses!"
...And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!".
english.54drakce,
What did O.J say after the verdict was read?
A: Hey Lance, now can I have my gloves back?
english.55drakce,
A man goes into his doctor and says in a high squeeky voice "Doctor help
me I can't stand my voice to be this high, no one will talk to me, no
one will date me, and I can't find a job."
The doctor examines him and finds out he has a three foot long penis.
So he tells the patient in a deep baritone voice: "your penis is putting
a strain on your internal organs, including you vocal cords. To fix
your voice we will have to remove some of you penis."
A few weeks after the operation, the man comes back to thank the doctor.
In a deep baritone voice he says "Doctor I can't thank you enough, since
you removed two feet of my penis I have made many friends, began dating,
and have an incredible job...By the way, what did you do with the stuff
you removed?"
The doctor answers in a very high squeeky voice "We threw it away of
course, absolutely worthless".
english.56drakce,
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems
when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and
you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"
"None...", replied Johnny. "cause the rest would fly
away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like
the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If
there were three women eating ice cream cones in a
shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone
and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one
sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring
on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
english.57dragisha,
-> #44, apostol-> Kako se kaze na engleskom "JA SAM DOSADA BIO DOBAR"?
->
-> "I ALONE BOREDOM WAS GOOD"
Q: A na srpskom?
A: "JA SAM DO SADA BIO DOBAR?"
--
[Rural life is lived mostly in the country]
english.58dejanr,
Two lengths of string walk into a bar. The bartender says,
"So what'll it be?"
The first string says,
"I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLkjk 3sd#f6
-dasdfa%^^7howe%^U."
"Please excuse my friend, " says the second length of string,
"he isn't null terminated."
english.59darone,
The Rules of Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one
club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to
do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time
to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed
bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played
or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played.
Upset course owners have been known to damage players' equipment for
this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own
protection.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the
first time. Some players have been known to become irate if they
discover someone else playing on what they consider to be a private
course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.
Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful
in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of
play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning of bush
around the hole to permit improved viewing of, alignment with and
approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace at the course owner's request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance (time permitting) to play
the same hole several times in one match.
16. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
english.60darone,
Here's the famous smurfs. Enjoy and pass on ...
It's time to tell the truth about Smurfs
You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and
ambitions, deep thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad
times.
"But," people ask, "do Smurfs have..... you know,...... *sex*?"
The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES!
And why shouldn't they? They're people, too.
What *most* people don't know is why Smurfs are blue. Well, the reason
is because Smurfs only have sex once a year.
Face it: if you had sex only once a year, you'd be blue, too.
Once a year, in the Smurf village, flags and banners fly happily
in the breeze, proclaiming that the day of the annual Smuckfest
has arrived. Birds sing and the Sun comes out to watch, despite
the weatherSmurf's direst predictions.
I guess good ol' Mr. Sun is a voyeur.
In the middle of town, Papa Smurf gives a brief speech explaining the
origin of the Smuckfest; how Dr. C. Everett Koop came to the village
and warned all the Smurfs about AIDS. Papa Smurf knew that no one
made condoms small enough for a Smurf (even though everyone knows that
all male Smurfs are uniformly well-hung, for their size), so he decreed
that all Smurfs would only smuck one day a year.
"Smucking one day a year will help us identify any diseases we may
transmit to one another, and keep them from spreading to the animals
in the forest," declaimed Papa Smurf. "Besides, it will give
Smurfette a chance to rest."
Yes! Smurfette must rest. For, as everyone knows, Smurfette is the
only female Smurf in the village, and after a full day of having
vigorous, rabid sex with two hundred cunt-crazed little blue men,
she needs a break.
So, on the appointed day, Papa Smurf bids everyone throw their
inhibitions to the wind and immerse themselves in debauchery.
And, as is his privilege, Papa Smurf throws out the first throe.
At his signal, Smurfette unties the skintight blue band she must
use to suppress her natural bustiness, and her astounding tits
spring forth into the daylight. The Sun gleams lecherously on
the smooth, blue flesh, nipples crinkling in the light of day from
her soon-to-be-unbridled lust.
Then Smurfette shimmies out of her skirt and stands before the crowd,
naked as the day she was born, save the spike-heeled white boots she
has donned just for the occasion. Her long, blonde hair cascades
down her back and lasciviously outlines her buttocks, clinging like
a dirty old man's gaze to each curve and dimple.
Her cunt winks lewdly from behind the golden shield of pubic glory,
already glistening in mad anticipation of each and every raging
rod it would receive that day. And receive them gladly it would,
for hers is the indefatigable furburger, and she hungered for the
sauce blended in the heat of passion.
Smurfette turns to Papa Smurf and lifts her stupendous breasts
with their turgid nipples to his lips. He takes each one, in
turn, into his mouth, where his tongue dances the Fabulous Fandango
around the areolae, as Smurfette moans like a cat in heat.
Then, when poor Smurfette can take no more, Papa Smurf drops to
his bony little knees and sprinkles his magic deSmurfilating
dust on Smurfette's engorged cunt lips. Presto! The lovely
blonde braiding material falls from her, leaving her shaved smooth
as a hard-boiled egg.
"Oh, Papa Smurf!" she cries. "Encore!! Encore!!", as she writhes
in anticipation of the Fabulous Furless Fandango danced 'round her
pulsating pussy.
Papa Smurf does not disappoint the damsel in distress; he slides
his hands under her tight little blue ass and parts her moistness
with his thumbs. As the hot, funky juices begin to run down his
arms, he plunges tongue-first and tonsil-deep into her wiggling
womanhood. Smurfette gasps as the talented tongue begins to do
its magic, and her cunt clutches at it like a baby bird after a
worm.
Cradling his head to her crotch, Smurfette's hips begin to slowly
grind and twitch, for Papa Smurf's tongue has unerringly found her
S-spot, and Smurfette begins the slow, hot, agonizing rise to
ecstasy. "Oh, make me smurf, baby, make me smurf!", she pants,
each stroke of his tongue causing her to throb and clutch.
As Smurfette's moans and cries rise in pitch higher and higher,
the crowd gazes in amazement at the mighty mound of meat struggling
to escape from Papa Smurf's pants. This, then, is the legendary
Trouser Titan, bulging forth in a determined attempt to split
the barrier.
Just when Smurfette is certain that she will die from sheer
sensory overload, Papa Smurf flings off his Levis and frees
the Magnificent Heat-Seeking Moisture Missle from its cradle.
Maddened with blind lust, Smurfette hurls Papa Smurf to the
platform and leaps shrieking into the air, landing unerringly
on his Titanic Totem.
Suddenly filled, Smurfette's cunt explodes in a monster orgasm,
the force of which propels her screaming into the air again and
again, each time plummeting her onto the Potent Purple Pecker and
triggering another climax.
Before Smurfette can achieve orbit, Papa Smurf grab her legs and
pulls her to the ground. Swiftly, he stands, pulling her to her
knees. Gasping in awe, Smurfette gets a head-on view of his
hard-on, glistening in the light like a war staff.
The sight of this shining stud is too much for Smurfette, who
immediately grabs both of Papa smurf's bulging balls in her hands
and pulls him to her waiting mouth. With preternatural skill and
primeval hunger, Smurfette devours the monster cock, licking and
sucking like a starving child with an ice cream cone.
His ass knotting like a sailor's anchor rope, Papa Smurf pounds
into Smurfette's mouth with furious strokes. As he reaches his
blazing climax, he forces Smurfette to take all thirteen and 7/8ths
inches of blue tube steak and fires round after pulsing round
of blue goo down her ravenous throat.
"Hurray!!", shouts the crowd. "Now it's OUR turn!!"
Suddenly the town square erupts with scenes of azure carnality,
as 200 tiny blue asses appear in the sunlight. 200 raging
cocks swarm toward Smurfette's waiting and ever-willing cunt,
ready to make her scream for mercy as they scream for more. 400
bouncing balls follow each other toward the nearest available
orifice, making Smurfette wish there were more of her.
Those lucky enough to find access to Smurfette's fabulous form
begin their crazed humping, as others find their schlongs being
stroked as fast as she can grab. Those whose time will come later
are coming now, as their friends clutch lustily at their forbidden
fruits, flinging frothy fuck-foam far and wide.
Up the ass! Down the throat! Backhand, forehand, underhand, in
the armpit or behind the knee, the Smurfs erupt in a display of
orgasmic prowess to shame the most devoted student of the Kama
Sutra. Soon the street become hazardous to navigate (and navigate
one must), as the square gets deeper and deeper in the collective
come.
Hour after hour, the orgy rampages on.
Gradually, as night falls, the screams of orgasmic ecstasy turn
to the moans and sighs of deep contentment, with the occasional
whimper from an over-enthusiastic sodomite. Soon all is quiet,
as Smurf helps Smurf back to Home and Preparation H. Tubes of
Chap-Stick are quickly distributed to soothe aching lips, and
aloe gel is applied (as are lips, if it is too stimulating) to
the citizen's members to ease the burning.
As the exhausted (and completely sated) Smurfs lie in sexual
stupor, gentle rains come (not them, too!) to wash away all traces
of the fleshfest that was.
And you wondered why Smurfs are always in such a good mood...
hotter than Georgia asphalt
english.61darone,
HAZARDOUS MATERIAL INFORMATION BULLETIN
"WOMEN" - A Chemical Analysis
Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted at 53.6kg but may vary from 40kg to 200kg
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface usually covered with painted film
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no
known reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by
saturation of alcohol
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental, especially in a sports car
2. Can be a great aid in relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent
TESTS
1. Pure specimens turn rosy pink when discovered in natural
state
2. Turns green when placed next to a better specimen
POTENTIAL HAZARDS
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be
maintained at different locations, as long as specimens do
not come into direct contact with each other
english.62iivkovic,
Stolen from the Humor-list
Subject: Netaholics Anonymous
You know you're hooked on the internet if...
* You think "surfing" is something you do on dry land
* You find yourself staring at your "inbox" waiting for new e-mail
to arrive.
* You communicate with people on other continents more than you do
with your own neighbors.
* Your business cards contain your e-mail address.
* You promise yourself that you'll only stay online for another 15
minutes ...at least once every hour.
You know you're really hooked on the internet if...
* You cut classes or miss work so you can stay home and browse the
web.
* Everyone you know asks why your phone line is always busy.
* When you get home from a long day, you turn on the computer
before the air conditioner or the television.
* You religiously respond to immediately to e-mail, while ignoring
your growing pile of snail mail
* You sit down at the computer right after dinner and your spouse
says "See you in the morning."
* Your kids start referring to you as "that guy in front of the
monitor."
* You're constantly yelling at your wife for using the phone for
stupid things...like talking.
* You consider selling drugs to pay for your online charges.
You know you're really, really hooked on the internet if...
* You think more about being online than you do about sex.
* You actually do sell drugs to pay for your online charges.
* You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
so you can have the free internet access.
* At parties, you introduce your spouse as your "service provider."
* Your wife melts your keyboard in the oven.
* Your husband has his lawyer deliver the divorce papers via
e-mail.
* Your computer costs more than your car.
It may be time to seek professional counseling if...
* You find yourself counting emoticons to get to sleep.
* You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no
phone lines.
* Someone asks you where you live and you reply with your IP
address.
* When everybody else uses the greeting "how are you?" and you use
the greeting "where would you like to go today?"
* Your sig line is "Anonymous."
english.64jablan,
'Ajd, reko', možda nije bilo:
'To do is to be.' - Descartes
'To be is to do.' - Sartre
'To be do be do.' - Sinatra
english.65lexus,
Hi!!!
U stranim casopisima se moze naci reklama za igru DOMINUS
ista izgleda otprilike ovako.
DOMINUS
You'll never play this game again!
Bili su u pravu ;>
Pozdrav -Lex->
english.66ndragan,
-> #64, jablan/ 'To be do be do.' - Sinatra
"yabba-dabba-dooooo" - Flintstone
english.67nbatocanin,
STATE OF ALABAMA
RESIDENCY APPLICATION
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob
(last) (_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
(_)what's a road?
english.68violator,
-> #66, ndragan:>> "yabba-dabba-dooooo" - Flintstone
gabba gabba hey - Joey Ramone ;>>>
english.69mikis,
Jedan esnafski, sa prigodnom ilustracijom ;)
Programmers are lousy lovers. They always try to get the job done (*(* )"/
faster than before. And when they do, they brag that they have \ (
better performance. Programmers are the only men who boast how /' \
small theirs is. / y /
english.70gerber,
Chase Manhattan Bank
An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank
building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young
man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in
the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first,
though, she would like to meet the President of Chase Manhattan
Bank. Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to
think that that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper
bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right around
$3 million, telephoned the President's secretary to obtain an
appointment for the woman.
The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's
office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get
to know the people she did business with on a more personal level.
The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum
of money.
"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.
"No," she answered.
"Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired.
"No," she replied.
He was quiet for a second, trying to think of where this elderly
woman could possibly have come up with 3 million dollars.
"I bet," she stated.
"As in horses?" he asked.
"No," she replied. "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she
explained that she just bet on different things with people. All of
a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow
morning your balls will be square."
The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to
take her on her bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest
of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening
and take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make
sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal
appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work
and waited for the woman to come in at 10 o'clock, humming as he
went. He knew this would be his lucky day -- how often did he get
handed $25,000 for doing nothing?
At 10 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her
was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was
doing in the office, she informed the president that he was her
lawyer and she always took him along when there was that much money
involved. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same
as I've always been, only $25,000 richer!"
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see
herself. The bank president thought this was a reasonable request
considering the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers.
She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him.
Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square.
The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing across
the room banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?"
he inquired.
"Oh, him," she answered. I bet him $100,000 that by 10 o'clock
this morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the
balls."
english.71sljubisic,
Jedan na engleskom, sa sve posvetom :)
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked
up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the
frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess,
I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog
out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess,
that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you
kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for
girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."
english.72sljubisic,
I jos jednog za kojeg se ne moze reci da je bio prosle godine :)
Two cows are standing in the countryside
(Dutch : wat is weiland in het engels?).
Says one cow to the other : Are you not afraid of the mad-cow-disease?
Says the other : No, I am a dog.
english.74mpavlo,
REU0480 3 OVR 111 ( RWS CSA AFA ) SYD63333
BC-AUSTRALIA-ROBBERY
Australia burglars raid impotence clinic
CANBERRA, June 18 (Reuter) - Burglars who raided an
impotence clinic in the Australian city of Melbourne last
weekend may have grabbed more than they can handle -- drugs that
cause five-day erections, police said on Tuesday.
"We are looking for someone who is very embarrassed or very
tired," a police spokesman told Reuters.
The thieves took dozens of bottles of several different
drugs used to treat impotence during a weekend break-in at the
clinic in the bayside suburb of Seaford.
The drugs, which can cause an erection lasting up to five
days, are not fatal.
"(But) they can cause extreme discomfort," the police
spokesman said.
REUTER
english.75mpavlo,
Wife discovers husband of 17 years is a woman
LONDON(Reuter) -- The 17-year marriage of a British couple was annulled
after the wife discovered her husband was really a woman, an appellate
court was told this week.
The wife's lawyer told the court Wednesday the union was based on
deception, and because the "husband" used an artificial penis, "the wife
always believed he was a man."
To protect the couple's children, conceived through artificial =
insemination
using donor sperm, the identity of the couple was not revealed.
The husband took the case to the appellate court after a High Court judge
ruled that he was not entitled to automatic access to the children or his
portion of the marriage wealth after the marriage ended, because the union
was based on perjury.
The husband's lawyer defended his client's action, saying he had "an
unshakable conviction that at his core he is a man although he is trapped
in a woman's body."
The couple never discussed "what the nature of this man's birth position
was" during their marriage, he added.
Despite the deception, Judge Alan Hylton Ward told the court the husband
deserved sympathy and understanding and not moral condemnation.
Copyright 1996 Reuters Limited. All rights reserved.
english.76mpavlo,
Czech-head-fine-press
Man fined for cutting off corpse's head -- press
PRAGUE, July 20(CTK) - An assistant pathologist has been
fined 1,000 crowns [ 37] for cutting the head off a female
corpse and keeping it in a fridge, the tabloid Blesk reports
today.
The grisly deed was discovered last year when pathology
department staff at a hospital in Olomouc, north Moravia, found
blood dripping from a coffin in which the body, according to the
death register, had not been operated on.
The severed head was then found in one of the department's
refrigerators.
The body was that of a 53-year-old woman who had died from
leukaemia in August last year.
The assistant pathologist was unable to explain why he had
cut off the corpse's head nor what he intended to do with it. He
claims to have been drunk.
Dismembering corpses is not a criminal offence in the Czech
Republic. The police therefore passed the case on to Olomouc
City Hall, which fined him for a disturbance of public order.
"It's the highest fine we can give," head of the
misdemeanours office at Olomouc City Hall Marie Trubakova tells
the paper.
The assistant pathologist has been sacked.
english.77dr.s,
Pricao mi ortak koji je zavrsio srednju u Americi (sto ne znaci da ju
je tamo i poceo) foru za strance koji se jedva snalaze sa engleskim i ulete
slucajno u crnacku cetvrt...
Ide stranac (belac) kroz pomenutu cetvrt i prilazi mu camuga i kaze:
-Hej, men, ar ju kam hir tu_daj? - izvin'te ali mora ovako :(
-No, aj kam hir jesterdaj! :)))
english.78vitez.koja,
Why The Internet Is Like a Penis
It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it
hard to get any real work done.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still
think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks
today use it for fun most of the time.
It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will
just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take
this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes
it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's
too late.
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it
too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think
coherently.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size
and influence warrant.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big
trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions,
it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth
did I do that?"
Some folks have it, some don't.
Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They
think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think
it gives them power. They are wrong.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think
it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it.
Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people
would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
english.79vitez.koja,
Why the Internet Is Like a Vagina
The more people use it the bigger it gets.
If you play with it too much you can go blind.
You wouldn't *believe* the things people put in there!
Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really
can't interface.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to recieve information
considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still
think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks
today use it for fun most of the time.
It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will
just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take
this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes
it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's
too late.
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it
too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think
coherently.
You think you're just playing around, but you can get involved in
something that takes nine months to finish.
The part you see is actually just the front end of a very complicated
system.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big
trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions,
it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth
did I do that?"
Some folks have it, some don't.
Those who have it think that those who don't have it are somehow
inferior.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think
it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it.
Still, many G of those who don't have it spend all their time trying
to access it.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people
would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration but others
believe it should be open to all comers.
Both are subject to hardware dongles.
english.80sale.car,
-> #77, dr.s!?! -No, aj kam hir jesterdaj! :)))
Jos da kazes: Why Do Me !?!?
(Procitaj naglas...)
Cya
english.81apostol,
Evo jednog prevoda proisteklog iz odmora u Grčkoj:
Fag Bag = Pederuša
A II O C T O JI
english.82madamov,
X-POP3-Rcpt: madamov@techno
Date: Wed, 21 Aug 1996 13:31:29 -0400
Reply-To: Soccer Boosters List <SOCCER-L@LSV.UKY.EDU>
Sender: Soccer Boosters List <SOCCER-L@LSV.UKY.EDU>
From: Carlos Motta <t81562@STRESS13.DEHAVILLAND.CA>
Subject: Humor.
To: Multiple recipients of list SOCCER-L <SOCCER-L@LSV.UKY.EDU>
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their
conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one
of the men say the following;
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again.
Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I
come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country
we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "I'mma just tella my friend howa to
spell Mississippi."
--
Saudacoes/Cheers,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Carlos Motta
e-mail: t81562@stress13.dehavilland.ca
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A professional is a person who can do his best at
a time when he doesn't particularly feel like it"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
english.83madamov,
> WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY
>
> I woke up early feeling a little depressed because it was my birthday
> and thought, Another year older, but decided to make the best of it. So
> I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast, my wife
> would greet me with a big kiss and say "Happy Birthday, dear".
>
> All smiles, I went into breakfast and there sat my wife reading the
> newspaper as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself a cup of
> coffee and thought to myself, oh well, she just forgot. The kids will be
> in in a few minutes all cheery and they will sing Happy Birthday and have
> a nice gift for me.
>
> There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came
> running in yelling "Give me a slice of toast!", "I'm late!", and "Where is
> my coat?!", "I'm going to miss the bus!!". Feeling more for the office...
>
> When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a nice
> smile and a "Happy Birthday, boss", and said "I'll get you some coffee."
> Her remembering made me feel a lot better.
>
> Later in the morning my secretary knocked on my office door and said
> "Since its your birthday, why don't we have lunch together." Thinking it
> would make me feel better, I said that was a good idea.
>
> So we locked up the office and since it was my birthday, I said "Why
> don't we drive out of town and have off going to the usual place". So we
> drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way place and had a
> couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town when
> my secretary said "Why don't we go by my place and I'll fix you another
> martini." It sounded like a good idea since we didn't have anything to
> do in the office anyway. So we went to her apartment and she fixed us
> both a martini and after a while she said "If you'll excuse me, I think I
> will slip into something more comfortable" and she left the room.
>
> In six minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big
> birthday cake. Following her was my wife and all my kids and there I sat
> with nothing on but my socks.
>
english.84ratman,
U prilog kolekciji jezickih gafova (vide supra) iz celog sveta:
In an elite country club in Swathri, Bhatwa Pradesh federal
state, India:
"Newly registered members are kindly asked to pay their membrship
fee until the end of June. Old members who fail to renew their
membership will be dismembered automatically."
Naravno, nije autenticno... :) nego ja izmislio, citajuci oglas
na ulazu biblioteke British Councila!
english.85dr.grba,
YES, BUT IS IT ART? Austrian inventor Karl Machhamer has introduced his
latest invention, the "liquid condom". The latex condom is applied
wet, with a paintbrush, and must be left to dry for seven minutes
before it can be used. Machhamer says people who can't wait can hurry
the process with a blow dryer. The rubber is available in black, grey
and blue, and with a lemon or rum scent. "Everyone has a right to his
personal sculpture," Machhamer said. (Reuter) ...OK, but how do you
take it off?
english.86dr.grba,
HALT IN THE NAME OF THE LAW: Thousand Oaks (Calif.) Sheriff's Sgt. Al
Moussa had to think fast. He had discovered a break-in at a high
school, and his appearance at the scene flushed out three teen-aged
boys, who quickly ran off down the football field. "Here you had
these young kids able to really run and an older officer loaded down
with all his equipment," said sheriff spokesman Dave Paige. Moussa,
38, used to be on the K-9 squad, and knew that people are afraid of
being bitten by police dogs, so he yelled to the kids that he'd sic
his dog on him if they didn't stop. They didn't stop. Since he didn't
actually have a dog, he just started barking himself. "He has a good
bark," Paige said. Upon hearing the "dog" barking, all three boys
quickly surrendered. (L.A. Times) ...The cop's bark is worse than his
bite, but the judge is another matter.
english.87vlad,
-> #85, dr.grba> personal sculpture," Machhamer said. (Reuter) ...OK, but how do you
> take it off?
Paaaa, sve sto se digne mora jednom i da se spusti, a onda je lako skinuti
'aljinicu B).
english.88dr.grba,
UNCONVENTIONAL: A West Virginia delegate at the Democratic National
Convention in Chicago found that security was pretty tight: her bra
set off the metal detector. Pat White's WonderBra was apparently too
much for the sensitive equipment, which caused security guards to
search her with a hand-held metal detector. "I loved the security
system," she said later. "I went back three times." (AP) ...You can't
blame security: she was the only female delegate who didn't burn her
bra years ago.
english.89pifat,
"He was rather drunk. And his trolley wasn't showing the appropriate
lights."
Stockholm police inspector Jennart Johansson, on the Swede who last
week went for a downhill spin in a shopping cart, hit a car and was
charged with reckless driving.
english.90madamov,
The difference between MDs and PhDs
___________________________________
10 MDs and 10 PhDs are going to a meeting by train. The 10 MDs each
have their own ticket, but the 10 PhDs (who have little money, of
course) have 1 ticket between them.
The MDs ask the PhDs (in a caring manner), "How are you going to
manage with only one ticket?"
"Just watch." reply the PhDs.
They all get on the train and the 10 MDs take their seats and hand
their tickets to the conductor. But the PhDs all pile into a bathroom,
and when the conductor comes by, a single arm reaches out and gives him
the ticket.
The MDs, feeling enlightened, decide to try the same thing on the way
home, so they purchase just one ticket between ten of them. Ne the PhDs
buy no ticket at all.
"How are you going to get home?" ask the MDs.
"Just watch." the PhDs reply.
When they get on the train, all the MDs pile into a bathroom. 9 of PhDs
get into another bathroom. The tenth PhD then knocks on the MDs'
bathroom door and says "Ticket please." Out comes a single arm to hand
over the ticket.
The moral of the story:
DON'T USE A TECHNIQUE UNLESS YOU THOROUGHLY UNDERSTAND THE PRINCIPLE.
english.91madamov,
THE CREATION:
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said
c:\>Let there be light!
Enter user id.
c:\>God
Enter password.
c:\>Omniscient
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\>Omnipotent
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\>Technocrat
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
c:\>Let there be light!
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\>Create light
Done
c:\>Run heaven and earth
And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
c:\>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\>Create firmament
Done.
c:\>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
c:\>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
and let the dry land appear and
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
c:\>Create dry_land
Done.
c:\>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
c:\>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\>Create sun_moon_stars
Done
c:\>Run sun_moon_stars
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
c:\>Create fish
Done
c:\>Create fowl
Done
c:\>Run fish, fowl
And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature
that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every
winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
c:\>Create cattle
Done
c:\>Create creepy_things
Done
c:\>Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\>Create man
Done
c:\>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and
have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and
over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
Too many command operands. Try again.
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors.
c:\>Insert breath
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 5 errors.
c:\>Move man to Garden of Eden
File Garden of Eden does not exist.
c:\>Create Garden.edn
Done
c:\>Move man to Garden.edn
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors.
c:\>Copy woman from man
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
c:\>Create desire
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Create freewill
Done
c:\>Run freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
c:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Create tree_of_knowledge
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Create good, evil
Done
c:\>Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame.
Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1
errors.
c:\>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.
c:\>Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
c:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again
c:\>Break
c:\>Break
c:\>Break
ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR
REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
c:\>Create new world
You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files
before new ones can be created.
c:\>Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm.
c:\>Destroy earth confirmed
COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT
6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
english.92dr.grba,
SOME LIKE IT HOT: Austin's annual Hot Sauce Contest attracted more than
10,000 people to the Texas town to line up and taste the entries. One
of the newer rules: entrants must eat a spoonful of their own salsa
in front of the judges before the judges will try it, learning a
lesson from a contest in Albuquerque, N.M., where an entrant
submitted a sauce made from pure capsicum extract, the active
ingredient in pepper spray carried by police officers. "People are
now buying more salsa than ketchup," says Patrick Timpone, a three-
time winner who sells his sauce in all 50 states. "People are putting
it on eggs, potatoes, whatever they can find. Kids are putting it on
macaroni and cheese." (Christian Science Monitor) ...More salsa than
ketchup? Maybe there's hope for this country yet!
english.93slalevic,
Definition Of Politics
Son: Dad, I have a special report for school. Can I ask you a
question?
Dad: Sure son, what's the question?
Son: What is politics?
Dad: Well son, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner,
so let's call me the management. Your mother is the administrator of
the money, so let's call her the government. We take care of you and
your needs, so let's call you the people. We'll call the maid the
working class and your baby brother the future. Understand?
Son: I'm not really sure dad, I'll have to think about it.
That night, the boy is awakened by his baby brother's crying, so he
went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had a heavily
soiled nappy, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother
fast asleep. He than went to the maid's room, where, peeking through
the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's
knocking went totally unheard. The boy went back to his room and went
to sleep.
The next morning...
Son: Dad, I think I understand politics.
Dad: That's great son, explain it to me in your own words.
Son: While the management is screwing the working class, the
government is fast asleep, the people are being completely ignored and
the future is full of shit.
english.94dr.grba,
SMALL, MEDIUM OR LIAR? A Rhode Island game manufacturer has delayed
distribution of a new CD-ROM computer game in order to remove a
scene. "The Music In Me", designed for ages eight and up, has a
sequence where the viewer can see a TV set in a living room. The TV
shows a commercial for cereal where the announcer says "Hey kids!
Don't forget the surprise in the box." A small boy reaches in and
pulls out a wrapped condom. "Gee whiz," the lad says, "it's my size!"
ReadySoft, which was to distribute the game for the Tune 1000 company
of Toronto, said the commercial wasn't noticed in testing because
reviewers were looking only for technical problems. "We weren't
looking for anything like this," the company's spokeswoman said.
"This is a family-oriented... game." (Reuter) ...Family-oriented,
family-planning-oriented, what's the difference?
english.95dr.grba,
PARROTS DOWN UNDER: A New South Wales court has ordered a veterinarian
to pay A$12,300 in damages to a bird collector in a malpractice suit.
The suit alleged that the vet, while treating a parrot for a broken
right leg, ended up also breaking the bird's left leg, leaving him
incapable of breeding. Meanwhile, a Western Australian man was
sentenced to two years in prison after pleading guilty in a plot to
swindle people into believing he was selling them rare Indian
ringneck parrots, worth about $5,500 each. What the customers
actually got were plain old green parrots, painted reddish brown with
hair dye. (AP) ...The scheme was discovered when one of the birds
squawked.
english.96dr.grba,
PYTHONS UP OVER: Glynn Buell of Lincoln, Neb., decided his 12-foot,
50-pound Burmese python was too much to handle when the snake bit him
on the wrist, squeezed off the circulation in his arm, and bit him
twice more. "If she would have gotten around my neck, I would not be
alive right now," Buell said. He escaped with the help of a police
officer responding to his cries for help. Local officials are trying
to find the snake an appropriate home -- Buell doesn't want it
anymore. Meanwhile, in San Diego, Calif., Mary Anne Carter woke up to
find the family's nine-foot Burmese python had wrapped itself around
her eight-months-pregnant stomach and had a death-grip attachment to
her butt. Her husband, Brad, and a neighbor tried in vain to free
her. "We used a crowbar to try to get its mouth off her. We had a
good 15 minute struggle," Brad said. "It was two grown men and we
weren't getting nowhere with it." Paramedics who responded to the
scene couldn't get the snake to let go of her rear either, so they
cut off its head. All but the snake are fine. After it was over, Brad
lamented, "I've been begging her for years to let me get a snake. We
finally found one and look what happens." (AP) ...Brad, if you think
the snake chewed HER butt, you ain't seen nothin' yet.
english.97stameni,
WHY GOD DIDN"T GET A PHD.
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done
since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his
results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human
subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the
sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
english.98stameni,
WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS
Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if
it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are
somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those
who don't have it may agree that it's an nifty toy, but think it's not
worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of
those who don't have it would like to try it.
It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard
to get any real work done.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think
that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it
for fun most of the time.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people
would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this
interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's
hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too
late.
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too
much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think
coherently.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size
and influence warrant.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big
trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it
will warp you behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I
do that?"
It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will
just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
english.99dr.grba,
ESCALATION OF CONFLICT: When a rented moving truck was cut off by a
woman in traffic in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., Joshua Lucias, 23, a
passenger in the truck, took revenge: "I got up, pulled my shorts
down and mooned her," Lucias said. That's when the woman, Montrose
Herbert, 34, got mad. She said the gesture "upset" her because her
three children, aged 5 to 11, were in the car. So she grabbed a gun
and shot at Lucias. Later that day, Lucias says, the two saw each
other again, resulting in a running battle down Interstate 95, with
shots fired, until police broke the melee up. Lucias was charged with
lewd and lascivious conduct; Herbert was charged with assault with a
deadly weapon and unsafe storage of a weapon -- for leaving a loaded
weapon in the presence of a minor. (AP) ...Good thing the cops got
there in time, or it would have been "the finger" vs. heavy
artillery.
english.100dr.grba,
GRAB A MIRROR AND FOLLOW ALONG: A popular TV talk show in Sweden,
"Lotta", hopes to take the mystery out of gynecological examinations
by performing one in front of a studio audience -- and the viewers at
home. The show, which has already been taped, will air at 10:00 p.m.
"When the little camera that the doctor held in his hand was switched
on and people saw the girl's genitals on two big TV screens, it was
absolutely silent," a woman from the audience said. Another audience
member said "it was distasteful. How far are TV channels prepared to
go in the hunt for viewers?" But the station's director of
programming, Mats Oerbrink, defended the show. "I'm not so sure it's
so controversial," he said. "In my opinion it's maybe a little
boring." (AP) ...Well, sure: he sees it every day.
english.101dr.grba,
SAAB STORY: A 20-year-old man riding down a hill in a shopping cart
collided head-on with a car in Mottala, Sweden, at a closing rate
estimated by witnesses as 50 kmh (30 mph). He was charged with
careless driving. "He was rather drunk, and his trolley wasn't
showing the appropriate lights," said police inspector Lennart
Johansson, who wasn't sure if the careless driving charge would
stick. "He was certainly careless, but I suppose it's debatable
whether he was driving." (Reuter) ...The guy thought he was; isn't
that good enough?
english.102dr.grba,
THEY CALL HER FLIPPER: A fully-clothed woman pulled from the ocean three
miles off the Florida coast has been detained for psychological
evaluation. "She said she couldn't live on land anymore and had
adapted to living in the water," a Coast Guard spokesman said. "She
didn't want to come in." The woman, who refused to give her name,
said she was in the middle of "transitioning" to life in the sea and
had "just come up to get some air" when a boater spotted her treading
water and called for help. The woman said she'd been in the water for
three days, and survived by eating seaweed. (UPI) ...How can
evolution proceed when the government won't let it?
english.103dr.grba,
ANGEL'S FOOD: When John O'Neill of Monona, Wis., tried to order a cake
with "a slightly off-color slogan" on it, the bakery refused. "I
didn't like being censored by a bakery," he said, so he started his
own baking business, The Naughty Baker. That was 15 years ago, and
he's learned a few things about people in that time. Women, for
instance, have no problem buying cakes shaped as naked females for
their husband's parties, but men will almost never order naked men
cakes. "It's like -- jeez, are they threatened by a cake?" O'Neill
wonders. "We've done cakes that would embarrass a biker," he says,
but there is one place where he draws the line. "I don't do flowers.
They can go anywhere else and get a cake with flowers on it." (AP)
...No flowered cakes, only deflowered ones.
english.104dr.grba,
I'M NOT AS THINK AS YOU DRUNK I AM: Police in Troy, Mich., couldn't help
but notice the man with a suspended driver's license cruised by on a
riding lawnmower. "An officer in the area had made a traffic stop and
was writing out a report when he heard this crashing sound and this
guy goes riding by him on the sidewalk," said a police spokesman.
Since the blades were engaged, "the mower was setting off sparks, so
he stopped the guy and then smelled booze." The man said he wasn't
drunk and insisted that officers do a Breathalyzer test on him. They
complied: it indicated a .22% blood-alcohol level, more than double
Michigan's legal limit. Officers impounded the lawnmower, but didn't
arrest the man. They instead drove him the rest of the way home, four
miles away. In a car. (UPI) ...And people think cops don't have a
sense of humor.
english.105dr.grba,
STRIKE THREE, YOU'RE OUT: Tilmer Everett of Bismarck, N.D., took a taxi
to his girlfriend's apartment. The cabbie pointed at the meter:
$7.60. Everett asked the driver to wait while he went in for the
money. Police pieced the rest of the story together this way: the
girlfriend wasn't home, so Everett broke in, but didn't find any
cash. So he broke in to Michael Joshua's apartment next door to try
there. "Joshua was watching TV when his door came crashing in,"
police said. Finding someone home, Everett fled back to his
girlfriend's apartment. While Joshua phoned the police, Everett,
still needing to pay the hack, stole his girlfriend's VCR and handed
it to the perplexed cabbie. Police arrested Everett not only for
burglary, but for violating a restraining order -- Everett is not
allowed in or near the woman's apartment. (AP) ...The gene pool could
use a little chlorine.
english.106dr.grba,
DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT -- OR ELSE: American Express has upset
customers in south Florida by mailing out promotional flyers packed
in a red mailing tube with a string "fuse" made to look like a huge
firecracker. At least two of the 20,000 cardholders who received it
called the police, thinking a bomb had been left in their mailbox.
"We're sorry that someone would have misinterpreted it," a
spokeswoman said. She added that the promotion will be re-mailed --
in an envelope. (AP) ...A thick one. With wires sticking out of it.
english.107dr.grba,
ENTRAPMENT: A teacher at Southwest Elementary School in Lexington, N.C.
saw first-grader Johnathan Prevette, 6, kiss a girl classmate on the
cheek. The teacher reported the sighting to the school's principal,
who suspended the lad for "sexual harassment". After a public outcry,
the charges were reduced to "unwanted touching" and the boy returned
to class. Why did he kiss her? She asked him to, he said, adding that
she has kissed him in the past. (AP) ...The kid simply has to learn:
no means no, yes means no, maybe means no.
english.108dr.grba,
I DO... NOT! A police detective driving a patrol car past the downtown
Auckland, New Zealand, marriage registry office was startled to see a
man, chased by two women, run up to his car. "He leapt into the back
and said, 'Quick, drive!'," said Detective Senior Sgt. Tony Wakelin.
The women were the man's bride-to-be and her mother; when he found
out where they were and why, he bolted out the door -- with the two
in hot pursuit. The mother wanted the couple to marry when she found
her daughter was pregnant. The officer helped him get away from the
women, but said he was not interested in taking any further part in
the couple's wedding plans. (Reuter) ...The detective may be involved
sooner than he thinks -- the guy has two women out to kill him.
english.109dr.grba,
HIGH FASHION: Police in Brazil captured four Chinese drug smugglers
whose luggage contained clothes that had been soaked in cocaine
dissolved in water, then dried so the drug was left diffused into the
cloth for later extraction. (Reuter) ...I said no starch!
DRUG THUG II: A man arriving by bus from New York in Allentown, Pa.,
walked into a police drug training program in progress at the
terminal. Police found 280 bags of heroin in his luggage. Rather than
let himself be identified, he chewed off his fingertips before
officers could fingerprint him. Officers managed to stop him after
the seventh finger, so "we should be able to identify him from what
we have," an Allentown police spokesman said. "It certainly is a
strong indication that somebody somewhere is looking for him." (AP)
...Either that, or he was making a strong statement regarding the
quality of the jail food.
english.110dr.grba,
LIGHTS OUT: Police in Taipei say they shut down most of sex parlors in
the city in a week-long crackdown on illicit sex, and promise to do
the same to more than 100 that remain. "We have cut off water and
power supplies to a total of 188 sex parlors and forced them to
close," said Taipei Police Chief Ting Yuan-ching. (Reuter) ...That
would force them to close all right: everyone knows it's impossible
to have sex in the dark.
english.111dr.grba,
ROUND 'EM UP: "About the time y'all hit it, I saw it up in the air with
all four legs flying up," said David Connor to Joe and Brenda Smith.
The Smiths, driving near Griffin, Ga., in their pickup truck, came
around a corner and hit an Angus bull that was standing in the road.
The impact sent the 1200-pound bull more than 15 feet in the air,
they said. The bull then landed on Connor's car. Only minor injuries
were reported -- Connor got cut by his broken windshield, and the
bull had a minor limp. (AP) ...They'll get one word from the
insurance investigator: Bull!
english.112junior,
Young fan kills sister in Turkey
ISTANBUL, Oct 18 (Reuter) - A young Turkish soccer fan, overcome
with joy after Galatasaray's European Cup Winners' Cup victory over
Paris St Germain, fatally wounded his older sister on Thursday with
a celebratory barrage from a family hunting rifle.
Anatolian news agency said Omer Kadan, 11, was being held in police
custody after his 13-year-old sister died in hospital of a gunshot
wound to the head.
It said the boy had started firing in the air shortly after his
club upset the French side 4-2 in Istanbul. One of the rounds
struck his sister.
Soccer-related deaths are not uncommon in Turkey, where people die
of heart attacks brought on by the excitement of big derby games
and are killed by stray bullets fired by celebrating fans.
On Wednesday, a fan fell to his death from his roof while he was
trying to adjust the television aerial to improve the reception of
a European Cup match between Istanbul's Fenerbahce and England's
Manchester United.