english.229madamov,
Pinnochio's Date
One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and
wooden boys do. Later, as they were cuddling, Pinocchio could tell that
something was bothering his girlfriend. So he asked her, "What's the
matter, babe?"
Pinnochio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably
>the best guy I've ever met -- but every time we make love, you give >me
splinters."
This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to
seek some advice from his creator, Gepetto. When Pinocchio arrived,
Gepetto could tell something was bothering him, and asked him what was the
matter. As Pinocchio revealed his dilemma, Gepetto searched up and down for a
solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth"
out Pinnochio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanked
Gepetto and went on his way. Gepetto did not hear from Pinocchio for a while
and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinnochio's
problems. A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades
sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw
Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto
remarked, "So Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the
girls".
To which Pinocchio replied, "GIRLS? WHO NEED GIRLS???"
english.230madamov,
Continuing Education Courses For Women
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes
Everyday.
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until
After the Game.
6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
8. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .
9. Communication Skills I: Tears -- The Last Resort, Not the First.
10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.
12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.
14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
15. Introduction to Parking.
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.
18. Water retention: Fact or Fat.
19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His.
24. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
25. Sex -- It's For Married Couples Too.
26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
29. Ballet: For Women Only.
30. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.
31. Learning to Go in Public Restrooms.
32. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.
33. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?" -- Why Men Lie.
34. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
35. Sexy Lingerie For Any Occasion.
**************************************************************
"Love, Lust and Marriage":
Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?
Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets
Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat
english.231schef,
Subject: Football jokes!
-----
Q. What have the Spurs 'keeper and Michael Jackson got in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.
-----
Q. What's the difference between the Spurs keeper and a taxi driver?
A. A taxi driver will only let in four at a time.
-----
Last season Glenn Hoddle, Ruud Gullit and Dennis Wise were trying to get to
Stamford Bridge when Glenn's car broke down on the wrong side of the river.
They agreed to take a run up and try and run on water to the other side.
Glenn went first and miraculously walked on the water and got to the other
side without getting wet. Ruudi went next and also walked on the water and
got to the other side without getting wet. However, Dennis took one step and
went straight under and had to swim to the other side.
Glenn turned to Ruudi and said - "That was rotten we should have told him
about the stepping stones just under the surface."
To which Ruudi replied , "What stones?"
-----
A man is walking down the street in London when he hears a woman screaming
and detects a faint smell of burning in the air. He runs down the street and
around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing watching a blazing
building. On the tenth floor of the building a woman, clutching a bundle to
her chest, is leaning out of a window screaming for someone to save her
baby.
The man steps forward and calls up to the woman, "Throw down your baby and
I'll catch it!"
"No! No!" the woman shouts back. "You might miss or drop my baby and she'll
be killed!"
"No I won't!" shouts the man. "I am David Seaman. I was the goalkeeper for
England in Euro 96 and I didn't miss a match all through the tournament. In
all that time I only let the ball into my net a few times."
"What? Hardly ever?" calls the woman.
"Yes!" shouts back the man. "Every football player in the land agrees that I
was the best keeper in the competition and I'm now worth over 3 million
pounds ".
And with that he adopts the classic goalkeepers stance - legs apart and
slightly bent at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the waist and with
his arms stretched downwards at a slight angle away from his body, with
palms facing forward.
"OK!" screams the woman. "I'll trust you. I've no choice! Here she comes!"
So, with the flames roaring all around her, the woman throws the baby from
the window. However, the edge of the baby's shawl catches on the woman's
watch with the result that the child goes spinning off to one side, tumbling
head over heels and with her little arms and legs flailing.
The woman screams and the crowd gasps, all sure that the baby will perish
because she will fall out of reach of the man.
The man remains motionless as the child descends, spinning and tumbling
further and further away from him as she comes. Then when the baby is only
feet from hitting the ground the man dives a full 30 feet across the
pavement, catches the baby in his outstretched right hand, pulls her in
towards his chest and shields her body with his left hand and arm. He hits
the ground heavily on his right side and lies motionless on the pavement for
a few seconds. Then, slowly, he raises himself to his feet and turns to face
the crowd and everyone sees that the child is alive.
The crowd is awe-struck. Then the crowd erupts with cheers and the woman,
still in danger herself, nearly faints with relief. The man, still clutching
the child to his chest in his right arm, waves to the crowd of onlookers to
acknowledge their appreciation.
Then, slowly and gracefully, he turns away from them, bounces the baby twice
on the ground, and kicks her 60 yards down the road!
-----
Middlesborough sign Ravanelli. On his debut he scores a hat-trick and is
feted by all. After the match he phones his mum to tell her how it went. She
says; I' m glad things are going well for you - it' s not too good here.
People came to our house today and wrecked it, your father was beaten up,
your sister raped (as was the dog) and we're feeling pretty bad...I just
wish you'd let us stay at home in Italy instead of bringing us up here with
you.
-----
In context of the "choose life" theme in Trainspotting the film.... Choose
to fail in Europe again. Choose to waste countless millions. Choose to
support a team from a city you've never been to. Choose whining. Choose to
where grey shirts then blame them when Southampton stuff you. Choose
cheating. Choose to spend your career in the reserves because the money's
good. Choose a psychopathic Irishman for your captain and call him a gifted
visionary. Choose to waste 7 million on Cole. Choose the arrogance to field
your reserve team and bleat about the consequences. Choose a racist albino
with pink eyes and a red nose as your goalkeeper. Choose your own referee
and assistants - except in Europe. Choose a Scandinavian paperboy as your
top goal scorer. Choose to have the biggest squad in British football and
then complain about injuries. Choose to have a moaning timekeeper as a
manager. Choose to be arse-licked by the media and the accuse them of
anti-United bias. Choose to forget 1969 to 1993 ever existed. Choose to
change your kit 6 times a season. Choose your best ever player as an
incoherent, wife-beating, alcoholic Irishman. Choose to poach your
"impressive youth policy" from other clubs. Choose to sign a world class
centre forward beginning with "SH" and pretend not to care when you get
Sheringham instead of Shearer. Choose to go for the treble then end up with
fuck all. Choose embarrassment. CHOOSE UNITED!(NO WAY!)
-----
Q.What have a three pin plug and Man U got in common?
A.They're both useless in Europe.
-----
Q: How many Man Utd fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seven, one to change it, five to moan about it and Ferguson to say if the
ref had done his job in the first place the light bulb would have never gone
out!
-----
Andy Cole is ill, so Alex Ferguson offers to go shopping for him. While in
the local supermarket, he bumps into Roy Evans.
"Hello, Alex, what are you doing here?"
"I'm getting a bag of potatoes for Andy Cole."
"Sounds like a fair swap to me!!"
-----
english.232dr.grba,
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO STUDENT BLOOPERS
Richard Lederer, St. Paul's School.
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I
have pasted together the following "history" of the world from
certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout
the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read
carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such
that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the
dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the
Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a
range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of
the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?"
God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of
Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who
brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to
it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses
led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is
bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on
Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king
skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race
of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons,
had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented
three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had
myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of
Achilles dipped him in the River Styx until he became intolerable.
Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the
"Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured
on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by
another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The
government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law
into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains
were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors
were doing. When they fought the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered
because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History call people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman
banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar
extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March
killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero
was a cruel tyrranist who would torture his
poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Danes, King
Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops
before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George
Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their
necks. Finally, the Magna Charta provided that no free man should be
hanged twice for the same offense.
In medievil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest
writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and
also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot
an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the churchdoor at
Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death,
being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's
interest in the female nude that made him the father of the
Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was
the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world
with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found
walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen
Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When
Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted
"Hurrah!" Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his
plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,
comedies and errors. In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet
rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.
In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by
attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic
couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel
Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John
Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he
wrote "Paradise Regained."
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the
Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa
Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and that was called the
Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were
greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their hoops before
them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the
Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved
very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John
Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks
in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through
the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere
were throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the
peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer
had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to
Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread
under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and
declared "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died
in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the
Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was
adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the
people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with
his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk
hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the
Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on
the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation
Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes
citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torch and lynch the
ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14,
1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of
the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John
Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the Enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire
invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was
invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn,
when the apples are falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very
large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music
even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took
long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.
Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was
accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song
of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the
Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their
shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped
at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and
was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his
power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any
children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is
in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the
longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years
and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great
personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The
nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring
up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work
of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis
Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a
naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie
discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a
surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
english.233kum.djole,
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons,"
where :) means a smile and :( is a frown.
Well, how about some "ass cons"?
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_O_) an ass that's been around even more
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
english.234rdejan,
It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen
lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began
waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour
without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice,
cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in
his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a
Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But,
the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes
pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old
man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all
this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for
over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few
minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do
it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are
saying."
So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the
worms warm!"
english.235morkin,
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a
bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president
of the bank to open a savings account because, "it's a lot
of money". After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally
ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always
right).
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to
deposit. She replied "$ 185.000" and dumped the cash out of her
bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how
she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Madam, I'm surprised you're
carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady
replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman
said, "Well for example, I'll bet you $ 25.000 that your balls are
square." "Ha" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can
never win that kind of bet" The old lady challenged, "So, would
you like to take my bet?" "Sure" said the president. "I'll bet
$25.000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot
of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am
as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very
nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror
checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He
thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was
absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady
appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced
the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25.000 says
the presidents balls are square!" The president agreed with the
bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and
then asked if she could feel them. "Well Okay" said the president, "$25.000
is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure"
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head
against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the
hell is the matter with your lawyer?" She replied: "Nothing, except I
bet him $ 100.000 that at 10.00 am today, I'd have The Bank of
Canada's president's balls in my hand."
english.236morkin,
One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church.
"Reverend," he said, "I have a problem; my wife keeps falling asleep
during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be
able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at
specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with
the pin."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this,
the preacher put his plan to work.
"...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding
to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with
the pin.
"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her
dozing.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning
towards Mr. Jones.
"God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once
again.
"Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing
his sermon. Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time
the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he
made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife
again.
He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister
asked,
"...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more
time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!
english.237milosh.zorica,
-> #235, morkin> A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a
> bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president
> of the bank to open a savings account because, "it's a lot
> of money". After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally
> ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always
> right).
> The bank president then asked her how much she would like to
> deposit. She replied "$ 185.000" and dumped the cash out of her
> bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how
> she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Madam, I'm surprised you're
> carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old
> lady replied, "I make bets."
> The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman
> said, "Well for example, I'll bet you $ 25.000 that your balls are
> square." "Ha" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can
> never win that kind of bet" The old lady challenged, "So, would
> you like to take my bet?" "Sure" said the president. "I'll bet
> $25.000 that my balls are not square!"
> The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot
> of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am
> as a witness?"
> "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got
> very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror
> checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He
> thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was
> absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
> The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady
> appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced
> the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25.000 says
> the presidents balls are square!" The president agreed with the
> bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all
> see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his
> balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well Okay" said the
> president, "$25.000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be
> absolutely sure" Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly
> banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady,
> "What the hell is the matter with your lawyer?" She replied: "Nothing,
> except I bet him $ 100.000 that at 10.00 am today, I'd have The Bank of
> Canada's president's balls in my hand."
To je sa proa? Bio tamo pre par meseci.
Evo i srpske verzije.
Došla bakica u kanadsku banku da uloži 160000$. Pošto je menageru bilo
sumnjivo, otkud baki tolka lova. Baka mu je odgovorila da je lovu
zaradila od klađenja. I ponudila je manageru opkladu da su njegova jaja
četvrtasta. Manager je prihvatio, pozvao bakicu da dođe sa advokatom
sutra da donesu lovu i provere stvar.
Uveče je kući manager proverio stvar i video da je sve na njegovoj
strani i da je opklada dobijena.
U dogovoreno vreme, bakica je došla sa advokatom da uloži novac
i uzme i ovu opkladu.
Kada su ušli u kancelariju, manager je skinuo gaće i baka krenula
da ispituje stvar. Manager je pitao šta je sa njenim advokatom, zašto
čupa kosu, lupa glavom o sto i sl.? Bakica mu je rekla da se sa advokatom
kladila u 20000$ da će držati managera kan. banke za jaja.
P.S. Nadam se da sam dobro prepiso s obzirom da nisam prepisivo, već
kucao po pamćenju.
english.238miskop,
This is actually a true story:
A girl, let's call her Jen, is a junior in college attending
school in Colorado. Like all college students, she is wrapped up in
the partying and the wildness college life has to offer. Jen, being the
computer science major that she is, does, however, have a lot of
work to do on her computer. So when she's not out having a good time,
she's working her butt off designing computer programs and
installing software.
One day, soon after she had broken up with her boyfriend, she was
home alone on a Friday night for the first time in the three years
they had been dating. She was sad, alone and depressed, so she decided to
make a new homepage. While she was playing on the net, she decided to get
onto a chat line. Being the wild psycho she is, she logged onto a sex
line. Over the line, she met a guy who identified himself as Jeremy.
She started playing with him, gave a false name, saying her name was
"Katie," and started getting into detail about what she would like to do
to him with her tongue. He responded by telling her to picture being naked
while his hands ran over every square inch of her body. Soon they were
having cybersex. This went on for awhile, and then she got off the line
agreeing to meet him back on the line the following night.
Saturday night rolls around, and Jen, as 'Katie', is on the line
with Jeremy again. They become even closer this night, and they
continue like this for a week. At the end of the week, they started
talking about other things and got into very intimate issues and feelings.
They became close, exchanging details about their lives, but Jen didn't
tell Jeremy she was in college, because she was afraid of sounding like an
immature college girl. She felt guilty, but after a few weeks, she really
liked this guy.
The virtual relationship carried on like this for months, and the
months turned into a year. By the end of the year, they had
exchanged their most intimate thoughts, but had never even spoken on the
phone. They were afraid of ruining the mystery.
'Katie' & Jeremy had done everything sexually possible over the net,
and they were affectionate as well, waiting for the day that they
could someday be together. Finally the time had come; they had to
meet each other. They were in love. They didn't care about age or
looks, but only for each other. Jeremy told Jen he thought she could be
his next wife. Jen was wary at first, but decided she didn't care how old
or ugly he might be. She loved him, and he was the only one she could feel
comfortable with.
They planned a trip to meet in Vail, Colorado. They were finally
going to see each other and spend the rest of the weekend together.
As Jen didn't want the hassle of trying to recognize someone she's
never seen, she said, "Why don't you just get a room? We'll meet
there, and that way there will be no mistake." Jeremy agreed.
Jen showed up at the resort first and checked in, telling the desk
lady to hold a key for the next party. She then went up to the
room. Wanting things to be special, she lit some candles and put on some
music. She stripped naked and climbed into bed under the covers,
deciding to surprise Jeremy when he got there.
The lights were out and the mood was right when she heard a key
in the door. She heard someone walk in and around the corner. She
whispered, "Jeremy?" A voice replied, "Katie?"
"Yes..." she said, so he fumbled for the light and turned it on to see
Jen on the bed naked before him. Then next thing heard around the
world were two blood curling screams. Jen covered herself up, and
in her most humiliated voice said:
"Dad...??"
Now realize this really did happen.
english.239pifat,
Think About It...
Life is sexually transmitted.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents;
accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Two wrongs don't make a right,
but two Wrights made an airplane.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me,
it's the sudden stop at the end.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no
lifeguard.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been
anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip around the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is
if you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes,
he would have put them on my knees.
Never knock on Death's door;
ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
Lead me not into temptation
(I can find the way myself).
When you're finally holding all the cards,
why does everyone else decide to play chess?
If you're living on the edge,
make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
The mind is like a parachute;
it works much better when it's open.
Never take life seriously.
Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians...
the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which
one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses...
they're everywhere.
Jury:
Twelve people who determine which client has the better
attorney.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
english.240miskop,
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying,
"Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
english.241miskop,
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money,
she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind
a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid.
Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under
the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the
playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent
him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the
blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting
beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found
the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this
to a fellow Blonde?"
english.242kiklop,
Evo jedne zanimljivosti sa Interneta:
"The Ten Commandments of E-mail"
Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light
of the dawn.
And, here's the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail:
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto
others.
english.243ventura,
mali recnik musko-zenskih odnosa...
guide.txtenglish.244rdejan,
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the
lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow
into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do
that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to
death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do
that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
english.245madamov,
White house press spokeswoman Joan Braithwaite has delivered the
following statement to media regarding accusation involving
impropriety between President Clinton and Miss Lewinsky:
The President absolutely did not engage in any sexual conduct with
Miss Lewinsky and will vigorously defend himself against such claims.
However the President would like to state that it is possible that a
perfectly innocent incident has been twisted by right wing republicans
in order to undermine his administration.
Mr. Clinton has said that there was an occasion when it was necessary
for him to adjust his clothing he noticed with some embarrassment
that his fly was undone. The President said that he unfortunately had
some difficulty with his clothing as his zipper got stuck. Because Mr.
Clinton has slight arthritis in his hands he found he could not get
the zipper up. He therefore, for medical reasons, was forced to enlist
the assistance of one of his staffers, who was Miss Lewinsky. In the
course of assisting Mr. Clinton Miss Lewinsky had to kneel in front of
him to facilitate the operation of the zipper.
For medical reasons, Mr. Clinton has been advised to wear no
undergarments and it so happened, that in their anxiety to end the
embarrassment and rectify the fly problem, that Mr. Clinton's Penis
may have fallen out of his trousers. As Miss Lewinsky was grappling with
his fly and felt sure that she nearly had it, and did not want Mr.
Clinton to be seen with his penis hanging out, she took the Presidential
penis into her mouth so that it would not be visible should anyone enter
the room. Mr. Clinton was unable to use his own hands for this purpose
as he was assisting Miss Lewinsky by holding her hair out of her face so
she could properly visualize his fly.
It took some minutes for Miss Lewinsky to fix Mr. Clinton's fly, and
it was during this time that another staff member entered the room and
apparently completely misconstrued the situation. Mr. Clinton would
like to reiterate that there was nothing unusual about his working
relationship with Miss Lewinsky. He did say however that as he had
trouble with his fly on a number of occasions, necessitating Miss
Lewinsky's repeated assistance, he was considering changing his tailor.
english.246vvaske,
* Crossposted from: NET.JOKES
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively
reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they
would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage
with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since
they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be
late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the
wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill
affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had
3 extra large helpings ofbaked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the
time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She
put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and
made him promise not to peak.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his
wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made
him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the
phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight
to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had
a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his
leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled
worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the
smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later
the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping
his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten
minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the
phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on
top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife
walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner
table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and
yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the
table for his surprise birthday party.
Pozdrav,
Vvaske
english.247vvaske,
Computer Diagnosis
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I
should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer
at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a
doctor." "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose
your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill
figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and
went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and
deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights
started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on
which was printed:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how
it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine
could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and
daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to
the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the
$10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following
message:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.
Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you dont stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better.
Pozdrav,
Vvaske
english.248miskop,
Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when
they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign
posted that says, "Covert to Catholicism and get $10."
One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His
friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"
"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."
Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"
Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."
With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes
out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.
"So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?"
Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think
of?"
english.249miskop,
An eighty year old woman goes to the doctor and finds out, much
to her great surprise, that she is pregnant. She immediately
calls her husband and says, "You old coot, you got me pregnant!"
The husband pauses for a second and whispers, "Who is this?"
english.250miskop,
Q. What do you get when you cross a doorbell and a bumble bee?
A. A real humdinger!
english.251miskop,
Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each
other. The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they
put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those
things. I eat 'em like candy."
The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you
know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I
do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto
my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it
and do bench presses with it."
The third mouse says, "You guys are really a couple of tough
mice, and I'd love to keep hangin' out with you here, but I
gotta go screw the cat."
english.252miskop,
Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A. A lickalottapuss!
english.253lada,
-> #248, miskop
Is that all you JEWISH think of?!
english.254miskop,
Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla,
"How do you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla says, "D-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
She says, "Buckwheat is dumb"
The teacher says, "Now spell 'stupid'."
Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat,
spell dictate."
Buckwheat stands and says, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
"I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my
dictate good!"
english.255miskop,
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw
english.256miskop,
Two little brothers, aged six and eight, decide it's time to
learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the
six-year-old, "Okay, you say 'ass' and I'll say 'hell'."
All excited about their plan, they trooped downstairs, where
their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling
out of the room, and turns to the younger brother.
"What'll you have?"
"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your
ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
english.257miskop,
Mrs. Clinton: Bill, I have decided to pick out your interns from
now on.
Bill: Okay. That's fair.
Mrs. Clinton: Good. I have already decided on one already.
Bill: Really? Who?
Mrs. Clinton: Lorana Bobbit!
english.258miskop,
Ovaj je poznat, ali na 'naški', a ovako izgleda na engleskom: ;)
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with
only apes for company. Having no mate, he used suitably shaped holes
in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.
Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan
vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak.
Transfixed, she watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this
display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered
herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a
big kick in the crotch. Racked with pain she screamed, "What the hell
did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."
english.259miskop,
Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. A Megasoreass!
english.260miskop,
I ovaj je poznat na srpskom, ali nije loš i na engleskom: ;)
Three ecologists are exploring the deep jungles of the Amazon searching
for new plant life when they are they are captured by a tribe of cannibals.
They are taken back to the village to be tried by the chief. The chief stares
at the white men and is about to give the usual 'let's boil them alive'
orders, when he gets an idea.
"I shall let each of you go," he says, "if you can go out into the jungle
and within one hour, come back with 10 identical pieces of fruit." The men
are overjoyed when they hear this so off they run into the jungle to gather
fruit.
Half an hour later one of them comes back with 10 peaches and proudly
brings them to the chief. The chief looks at the fruit and tells him
that he will let him go if he can shove all 10 pieces of fruit up his
rear end without changing his facial expression.
He notices all the serious faces of the tribesmen so he starts to shove
one up there, but with the peach halfway in he lets out an agonizing shriek
of pain. The chief promptly gives the order to kill him.
10 minutes later the second guy comes back and sees his friend lying dead
in the dirt. The tribesmen grab him and tell him to open his hands for the
chief. In his hands he holds 10 identical berries. When the chief gives
the same orders he is visibly relieved and quickly begins to shove the fruit
up his rear end. 1...2...3...4ů5...6...7...8...9..... and suddenly the guy
busts out laughing! Not amused, the chief once again gives the order to kill
the guy.
Now the two dead guys are up in heaven discussing what had just happened.
"You only had one more berry to shove and you were home free! Why did you
start laughing?"
"I couldn't help it. I lost it when I saw Fred coming down the path with
10 pineapples!"
;)
english.261miskop,
Q. Have you heard about the blonde lesbian?
A. She liked men.
;))
english.262rdejan,
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth
of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small
stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for so when they got home,
he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny
letters the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
english.263miskop,
The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their
35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons
joined them for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when
he discovered that none of the boys had bothered to bring a
gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.
"You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this.
Your mother and I have never been legally married."
"What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all
bastards?"
"Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"
english.264miskop,
Q. What did Clinton say when asked about Rwanda?
A. I did not sleep with her.
english.265miskop,
An optimist is a person who doesn't understand the enormity
of the problem.
english.266silence,
(prevod teksta je u temi "razno" ove konferencije)
The 1998 Darwin Awards
They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin
Award - It's an annual honour given to the person who did the universal
human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most
extraordinarily stupid way.
As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some candidates
appear to have trained their whole lives for this event.
The Darwin Awards Nominees
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two
feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch wide sewer
grate to retrieve his car keys.
2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned
when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot
high cliff on his daily run.
3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug
into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones,
21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been
sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed,
burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.
People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels,
trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could
not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an
hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead
at
a hospital.
4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he
fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was planning to break
into. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to
keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the
floor.
5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was
stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23 who was
trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was
wearing.
6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville,
Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver
loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27,
and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie
in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
8. Ineligible, but credit given for trying?
Four people were injured in a string of bizarre accidents. Sherry
Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim
Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his
chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and
Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten
off.
Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and,
in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. "I'm
still not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was really close to
the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have
been for more than two seconds."
However, cab driver Vegas did see, and lost control of his cab, running
over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building.
Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth.
The crash of the cab against the building made her jump, tearing
Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing
two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a
falling piece of the medical building.
9. Ineligible, better luck next year!
TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center aftereating three
birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw
a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A
translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors'
suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of
candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third
one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began
to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control
Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the
foam from her mouth, throat, and stomach with no ill effects.
Ineligible, but a strong contender for '99
10. TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends
when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from
theTacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation
grew more heated and a least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the
bridge at 4:30 a.m.
Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one
had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,
volunteered and pointed out that a coil of cable had been left near the
railing. Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His
fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off
at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river
water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say, "is
that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other
explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
11. On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a
robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact
that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally
stupid choices as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion
of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public
places;
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car
parked at the front door;
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee
before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk
promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other
customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
12. In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to
commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose
around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He
drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot
himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol.
The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free
of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking
extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged
out of the water by a kind fisherman, and was taken to hospital, where
he died - of hypothermia.
DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
(1) In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede
with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a
rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing
his skull.
(2) In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane
torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his
house.
(3) Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in
September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of
dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the
bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what
would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was
closed.
(4) Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual
festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This
year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured,
including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one
participant, "It's just one bull against Ya town of" a thousand
Morons."
AND THE WINNER IS
Japan Times -- April 16, 1997
"The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of 'Pumping'", a
spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this
perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood."
He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak
had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room. "Most 'Pumpers' use a
standard bicycle pump," he explained, "inserting the nozzle far up their
rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. This
act is a sin against God."
It appears that the young Charnchai took it further still. He started
using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for
him, so he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air
hose at a nearby gasoline station.
They dared him to do it, so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in. Not
realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his
rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died virtually
instantly, leaving passers-by still in shock. One woman thought she was
watching a twilight fireworks display, and started clapping.
"We still haven't located all of him", say the police authorities. "When
that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly
exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or something."
"Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to Satan,"
Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide
your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."
Let's hear it for Charnchai Puanmuangpak, the NEW 1998 undisputed Darwin
Award recipient!
--
Shooting for the Best - Dan Roitner \ Photoshooter
english.267sale.car,
-> #266, silencef> The 1998 Darwin Awards
YES ! BJIAST !
:)
english.268miskop,
A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class
is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying
attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite
embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been
circumcised and he's quite itchy.
The teacher has him go down to the principal's office to phone
his mom, and ask her what he should do about it.
He does this, returns to the class, sits down in his seat
and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the
room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk
with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom," she says.
"I did," he says, "and she told me that if I could stick it out
till noon she'd come and pick me up from school."
english.269miskop,
If a man is in the forest, and there isn't a woman around,
is he still wrong?
english.270miskop,
Ovaj je strašan: ;)
-
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in Hell. As he is
wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon.
Demon: "Why so glum, chum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in Hell."
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down
here. You a drinkin' man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's
all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, bear, wine coolers;
we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great."
Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Demon: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest
cigars and cigarettes from around the world and smoke our
friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're
already dead!"
Guy: "Oh, man! This is too much!"
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps,
blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow
poker table."
Guy: "Gosh, I never played pai gow before..."
Demon: "Well now you can. You like to do drugs?"
Guy: "Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a
great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's
okay... you're already dead!"
Guy: "Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin'
place!"
Demon: "You gay?"
Guy: "Uh, no."
Demon: Oooh, you're gonna hate the weekends."
english.271miskop,
I ovaj je surov:
-
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused when
a man comes in and sits down beside him, "Hey, why are you
sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
The farmer replies, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" asks the man.
"Well, today" says the farmer, "I was sitting milking my cow.
Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and
kicked over the bucket.
The man looks at the farmer and says, "Haven't you heard, it's
no use crying over spilt milk."
The farmer looks down, gulps another drink and says, "Some
things you just can't explain."
"Ok," said the man, "what happened then?"
"I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left," said
the farmer.
"Yeah. And then?" asked the man.
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her," said the
farmer. "And just as I got the bucket about full, she took her
right leg and kicked over the bucket!"
"What's two buckets of milk in the big picture?" said the man.
"Don't sweat it."
The farmer looks down, shakes his head, downs another drink and
says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"Alright," says the man, "what did you do then?"
"This time," he says, "I took her right leg and tied it to the
post on the right."
"Makes sense," says the man, "then what?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again," he said.
"And just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked
over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," says the man as he nods understandingly. "Just think
of it as a test of your patience and forget about it."
Again the farmer pounds another drink and says, "Some things you
just can't explain."
"So," said the man, "what happened next?"
"Well, I didn't have any more rope," replied the farmer, "so I
took off my belt, got behind her and tied her tail to the
rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife
walked in....."
english.272miskop,
Q. What is one of the most expensive things in the world?
A. A girl who is free for the night!
english.273miskop,
An elderly man goes into the confessional and tells the priest,
"Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven
grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two
eighteen year old girls. I did it twice with each of them!"
The priest replies, "Well my son, when was the last time you
were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So why are you telling me?" asks the priest.
"Are you kidding," exclaims the old man, "I'm telling
everybody!"
english.274miskop,
One day, a scuba diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet
below sea level. Looking around, he saw a guy at the same depth
without any scuba gear on, so, he decided to go down another 20
feet.
He took another look around, and low and behold, there was the
the same guy. I can't believe it, thought the scuba diver, I bet
he can't go down another 25 feet.
So the diver goes down another 25 feet and, again, there is the
guy! Totally amazed, the scuba diver pulls out a chalkboard and
writes, "How the heck are you able to go so deep and stay under
so long without any equipment?"
The guy grabs the chalkboard and writes, "I'm drowning
you moron!"
english.275miskop,
Last night I was trying to make love to my wife. It wasn't
going too well, so she looked at me and said, "What's the
matter, can't you think of anyone either?"
Rodney Dangerfield
I was playing poker with tarot cards the other night. I got a
full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
english.276miskop,
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices
that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees
oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and
stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around
town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona,
decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a
big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no
hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little
flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station
and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic
looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
english.277petarg,
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to
their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a
running commentary on their love-making.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to
give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a
large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try."
That didn't work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you
get on top and I'll try." Still no success.
Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try."
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said,
"Zoo or no zoo, this, I gotta see!"
english.278petarg,
A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a
seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat up every single
woman who walks into the bar, without any luck.
Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into
the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by
women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most
beautiful women you ever saw.
Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, "Excuse
me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two
stunning women - what"s his secret? He"s as ugly as sin and I"m
everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night
- What"s going on?"
"Well," Said the Barman, "I don"t know how he does it, but he does the
same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there
licking his eyebrows.. "
english.279petarg,
A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his
mother, "Mum, what's sex?"
His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories,
gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky
subject.
When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrolment form which
he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to
get all that into this one little square?"
english.280petarg,
A cowboy was riding his horse across his pasture. A snake spooked his
horse and bucked the cowboy off. The cowboy cursed at the snake and
yelled "Don't bite me!"
The snake said "NO, I'm a genie snake, I can give you three wishes. What
would you like me to grant you?"
The cowboy thought for a minute. Then said "A million dollars in the
bank."
The snake said, "Granted, next."
Again the cowboy thought. Then said "The most beautiful wife in the
world."
The snake said, "Granted, next."
Then with a great big smile on his face he said "I want to be hung like
my horse."
The snake said "Granted" and slithered off.
The cowboy got on his horse and rode home as fast as the horse would
take him.
He ran into the house and into his bedroom. There stretched across his
bed in a sexy negligee was the most beautiful woman in the world.
So he picked up the phone called the bank and asked for his balance. The
bank told him he had one million and forty nine dollars. He rushed into
the bathroom.
Unzipped his pants and let out the most blood curdling cry."I forgot I
was riding OLD NELLIE!"
english.281petarg,
Q. Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead?
A. The blonde - she is eighteen.
english.282miskop,
NOTICE:
PLEASE NOTICE!!!!!
You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you
to notice. And, we have noticed that some of our notices have
not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It has been noticed
that the responses to the notices have been noticeably
unnoticeable. Therefore, this notice is to remind you to notice
the notices and to respond to the notices because we do not want
the notices to go unnoticed.
>From the Notice Committee for Noticing Notices
english.283rdejan,
Tech Support Fun
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman
then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good
point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window,
and his is working fine."
+++
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she
downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
+++
Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
+++
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
+++
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
+++
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "Alright, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't
work." Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his
spaceship.
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
english.284petarg,
Signs It's Time to do Laundry
1.You wear your underwear in the shower to get it clean
2.You're found passed out after a sniff test
3.The only thing left in the closet is your 1997 high school
graduation gown, and a pair of swim fins
4.It's february 24th again
5.Someone scratched, "please wash me" on the back of your shirt
6.Your carpet is no longer shag, but a 50/50 cotton and
polyester mix
7.You realize its either wash some clothes or fashion pants out
of paper towels
8.Instead of tide, you have to use lava
9.You rub your dryer sheets over your dirty clothes to make
them smell fresh
10.Those articles of clothing trying to crawl towards the
laundry room on their own
english.285rdejan,
A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness
and only a year to live.
He decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his
situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80
model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the
ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer
house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have
seem like forever."
english.286glumica,
Danas je Thanksgiving Day u SAD, zato uputstvo:
HOW TO COOK A TURKEY
1) Go buy a turkey.
2) Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) or Jack Daniels.
3) Put turkey in the oven.
4) Take another 2 drinks of whiskey.
5) Set the degree at 375 ovens
6) Take 3 more whiskeys of drink.
7) Turn oven the on.
8) Take 4 whisks of drinky.
9) Turk the bastey.
10) Whiskey another bottle of get.
11) Stick a turkey in the thermometer
12) Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.
13) Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.
14) Take the oven out of the turkey.
15) Take the oven out of the turkey.
16) Floor the turkey up off of the pick.
17) Turk the carvey.
18) Get yourself another scottle of botch.
19) Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.
20) Bless the saying, pass and eat out.
english.287sljubisic,
SANTA CLAUS:
An Engineer's Perspective
I. There are approximately two billion children (persons
under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit
children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions,
this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the
total, or 378 million (according to the Population
Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5
children per household, that comes to 108 million homes,
presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with,
thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the
earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems
logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This
is to say that for each Christian household with a good
child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the
sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings,
distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the
chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly
distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to
be false, but will accept for the purposes of our
calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per
household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting
bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is
moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of
sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made
vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4
miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at
best) 15 miles per hour.
III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting
element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a
medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying
over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On
land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300
pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull
ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with
eight or even nine of them - Santa would need 360,000 of
them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight
of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times
the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the
monarch).
IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates
enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer
in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's
atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3
quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short,
they would burst into flames almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening
sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would
be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right
about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of
accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001
seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500
g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would
be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of
force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing
him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
V. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
english.288pifat,
A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he
stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor.
He thinks to himself, "I know I lead a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I
never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn
to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the
counselor.
Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?
Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in Hell.
Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like
to drink?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we
drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you
want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love
Mondays. Do you smoke?
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You
get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere.
And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer
because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to
love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?
Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.
Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can
experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about
overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going
to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?
Guy: Yes, I love to gamble.
Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day
and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! And
you don't have to worry about losing money because you're already dead
and don't pay any more debts. You are going to love
Thursdays! ...Are you gay?
Guy: Well, no I'm not.
Counselor: Oh [grimaces], you're gonna HATE Fridays...
english.289pifat,
Subject: Increase your verbal skills !
How to Use FUCK as a Meaningful Word
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English
language today is the word "fuck." It is the one magical word which,
just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In
language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be
used as a verb, both transitive (Mary fucked John) and intransitive
(John was fucked by Mary). It can be an action verb (John really gives
a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb
(Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (John is a terrific
fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful)
or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can
even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy but, fuck, she's also
brilliant). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall
versatility of the word "fuck." Aside from its sexual connotations,
this word can be used to describe many situations:
Aggression - Fuck you!
Agreement - Fucking-ay right!
Amazement - Fucking shit!
Annoyance - Don't fuck with me.
Apathy - Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?
Benevolence - Don't do me any fucking favors.
Command - Go fuck yourself!
Confusion - What the fuck?
Denial - I didn't fucking do it.
Despair - Fucked again.
Difficulty - I don't understand this fucking thing.
Directions - Fuck off.
Disbelief - Unfuckingbelievable!
Dismay - Oh, fuck it!
Displeasure - What the fuck is going on here?
Encouragement - Keep on fucking.
Etiquette - Pass the fucking salt!
Fraud - I got fucked.
Greetings - How the fuck are ya?
Hatred of chemistry - Thermofuckingdynamics.
Identification - Who the fuck are you?
Ignorance - He's such a fuck head.
Incompetence - He's a fuck up.
Insight - You're out of your fucking mind!
Laziness - He's a fuck off.
Lost - Where the fuck are we?
Panic - Let's get the fuck out of here.
Passive - Fuck me!
Perplexity - I fucking know all about it.
Philosophical - Who gives a fuck?
Pleasure - I couldn't be any fucking happier!
Question - You ain't fucking me?
Rebellion - Fuck the world!
Resignation - Oh, fuck it!
Retaliation - Up your fucking ass!
Suspicion - Who the fuck are you?
Trouble - I guess I'm fucked now.
Ugliness - You're a dumb looking fuck.
Wisdom - Fuck that shit!
Wonder - How the fuck did you do that?
It can be used in an anatomical description - "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used in business - "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal - "Motherfucker."
It can be political - "Fuck Dan Quayle!"
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" - General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" - Captain of the Titanic
"Thats not a real fucking gun." - John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?" - Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll." - Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive." - Commander of the "Challenger"
What fucking map?" - Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking idiot could understand that." - Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!" - Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" - Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck." - Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!" - Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" - Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass." - Noah
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in
my head." .John F. Kennedy
"I didn't fucking do it!" - O.J. Simpson
english.290pifat,
Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was
still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's
house, she was nervous, but her mother reassured her "Don't worry,
Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
When she got upstairs, Tony takes off his shirt, and exposes his
hairy chest. Maria runs downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama,
mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the
mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs and he'll take
care of you."
So ... up she went.
When she gets up into the bedroom, he takes off his pants, showing
his hairy legs. Again Maria runs down the stairs to her mother
"Mama, mama, Tony took off his pants, and he has hairy legs." Again her
mother says"Don't worry. All good mean have hairy legs. Tony's a good
man -- go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So ... up she went...
When she was up there, Tony takes off his socks, and on his left foot
he is missing three toes. When Maria sees this, she runs downstairs.
"Mama, mama, Tony's got a foot and a half.!"
"Stay here," says the mother, "This is a job for mama."
english.291pifat,
This guy is absolutely parched after a hard day at work.
He decides to go into a bar to have a beer.
Once he walks into the bar he realizes that it's a gay bar.
He's so thirsty that he decides to get a beer any ways.
He goes to the bartender and asks for a beer.
The bartender says with a lisp "You can't have a beer without
telling me the name of your penis first."
The guys tells him that he isn't gay but just wants a beer.
The bartender insists on having a name for the man's penis.
So the guy asks the bartender what his penis' name is.
The bartender responds(With a lisp): "My penis is named Nike--you
know, JUST DO IT!"
So the guy thinks for a while and tells the bartender that his
penis' name is "SECRET."
The bartender is perplexed and asks: " Secret?" The guy responds:
"Ya, you know: STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
english.292pifat,
Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my
penis erect, can you help me?" After a complete examination the doctor
tells Jack, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the
base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for
you except if you're willing to try an experimental treatment."
Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"
"Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles
from the trunk* of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."
Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going
through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to
use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his
girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that
continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure Jack
unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to
the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants. His girl
friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was
incredible! Can you do it again?" Jack replied
with his eyes watering, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit
another roll in my ass."
english.293pifat,
We have been told that:
Knowledge is Power and Time is Money
And, as every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
So, If Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, Then:
Knowledge = Work / Money
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches
zero, regardless of the work done.
What this means is:
The Less you Know, the More you Make.
Finally, proof for what we all suspected
english.294pifat,
After all those male bashing jokes floating around, someone finally fought
back.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be
able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet that men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven!
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front
door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them
apart.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%........ wedding cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffe-ring.
english.295dzim,
-> #289, pifat
> Philosophical - Who gives a fuck?
Indifference - So fucking what?
english.296dr.grba,
-> #295, dzim>>> Philosophical - Who gives a fuck?
>>
>> Indifference - So fucking what?
Delightful - Funfuckitastic
english.297corgan,
-> #289, pifatE, imam ja sve to u mp3 ili wav-u, ako oces mogu da okacim
B.M.
english.298miskop,
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother
noticed how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been
suspicious of the relationship between John and his 'roommate' and this
only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started wondering if there was more between John and the 'roommate' that
met the eye. Reading his Mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what
you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just
'roommates'.
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver serving spoon that she
was admiring. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be
sure."
So he sat down and wrote,
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take the silver serving spoon
from my house and I'm not saying you "did not" take the spoon. But the
fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read,
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not
saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if
she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the silver spoon
by now.
Love, Mom."
english.299petarg,
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here
are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's Peanuts:
Warning: Contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
english.300pifat,
Kažu da nema razlike u kojoj državi živite, ali možda i nisu u pravu:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts
them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of
all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them
and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for
by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the
government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as
much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to
take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care
of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them,
but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots
you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you
for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and
drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the
milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick
someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if
you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for
speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains
and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates
what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you
not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the
other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill
out forms accounting for the missing cows..
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price
or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to
your publicly - listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother - in - law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity
swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows
back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of
six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman
Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells
the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The
annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option
on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu
is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from
milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and
denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You
got to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to
take harmonica lessons.
LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the
constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about
government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that
the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for
her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."
SLOBISM: You have two cows. One (with the flower between horns) goes
into politics, the other (giving AD milk) was fined 3.200.000 for
saying "Mooooo".
english.301alien,
"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?"
the woodwork teacher asked the only girl in the class during the first
day of school. She pondered the question for a moment, then replied,
"Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."
english.302johnnya,
-> #300, pifat
>> SLOBISM: You have two cows. One (with the flower between horns) goes
>> into politics, the other (giving AD milk) was fined 3.200.000 for
>> saying "Mooooo".
Jel ovo bilo i u originalu ? :)
english.303vvaske,
This joke will only make sense to those of us who have
the dubious distinction of being children of the eighties.
If you were "there", then you just might understand ;-)
An 80's Love Story
I was working part time in a five and dime. My boss was Mr.
Magee. He was six foot four and full of muscles and walked
like an Egyptian, but I was happy to be stuck with him. One
manic Monday, while I was busy working for the weekend, I
overheard him make a careless whisper.
He told two of my co-workers, Jack and Diane, that I gave love
a bad name. Well, I got so emotional, baby. I told him to say
say say what he wants, but don't play games with my affection.
He told me it was hard for him to say he's sorry and not to
worry, to be happy. Then he blamed it on the rain. He was so
out of touch. It just took my breath away. I couldn't fight
this feeling any longer. I asked him "What's love got to do
with it?" He told me to get outta his store and his dreams
and into my car.
So I figured I might as well jump. I cut footloose, went home
and called my girl, Jenny. (You already know the number) She
was on the other line with Amanda. They were talking about
Mickey and how he was so fine. That blew my mind! Was she
really going out with him? I told her that I had just called
to say I love her. She told me she had been saving all her
love for me, but now she was looking for a new love - asta la
vista, baby. I thought "I can't go for that - no can do!
Bring me a higher love!" I called up some of my old west end
girls, hoping that one of them would want to get physical all
night long (all night). First I called Billie Jean - she told
me to beat it. I called Rosanna - her sister Christian
blessed the rains down in Africa and then hung up on me. Come
on, Eileen! ... no answer. Nobody told me there'd be days
like these! I was feeling like the owner of a lonely heart.
Then, out of the blue, my best friend's girlfriend (she used
to be mine) Roxanne calls. Yes, the real Roxanne. She told
me she still hadn't found what she's looking for and that she
wanted to take on me. I said "I thought you were Jessie's
girl." She said "Don't you want me? You don't have to put on
the red light - I'm on my own." What a feeling! I had the eye
of the tiger. Who was I f-f-f-foolin? Roxanne drove me crazy
like no one else. She's a beauty! She blinded me with science,
and weird science at that. There was always something there to
remind me of her and I just knew that I'd have the time of my
life.
I wasn't about to la-di-da-di. I jumped in my little red
Corvette and rocked down to Electric Avenue. I got my mind set
on her. When I got to her house (in the middle of her street)
I ran. I rapped on her front door and to this rapper's
delight, i heard a voice say "Who can it be now?" "Here I am,
the one that you love", I replied. I let my love open the
door and was immediately lost in her eyes. I felt like a
virgin touched for the very first time. She loosened her
blouse and said "Rock me Amadeus!" Well, I felt it was my
prerogative to bust a move. I told her "I'll tumble for ya!"
as I pinned her on the stairs, hungry like the wolf.
Just then I felt an invisible touch on my shoulder. "Turn
around bright eyes!" said a familiar voice. As I did, Jessie
hit me with a sledgehammer of an uppercut that spun me right
round like a record. He was hangin' tough and continued to
roll with it, knocking the wind from beneath my wings - broken
wings by this time. He rocked me tonight, for old time's
sake, beating me from head to toe, until my true colors were
black and blue and blood was spilling from my mouth like red,
red wine. "You don't owe me money for nothing!" he snarled.
At this point I was livin' on a prayer. I crawled back to my
little red Corvette and drove home thinking about how my
tainted love had cut like a knife - how it seems that every
rose, truly, has its thorn. No longer do I want to know what
love is. Love stinks.
english.304apostol,
-> #303, vvaske>This joke will only make sense to those of us who have
>the dubious distinction of being children of the eighties.
>If you were "there", then you just might understand ;-)
Ovo bez problema može i u konfu Muzika...
JoTzoqA
english.305madamov,
Signs You've had too Much of the '90's
12. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the
back seat of your car.
11. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they don't have
e-mail addresses.
10. You have actually faxed or emailed your Christmas list to your parents.
09. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
08. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet or
ironing board.
07. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
06. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve
their profits.
05. Your cell phone is so small you can't find it when it rings.
04. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a
project" are acceptable English phrases.
03. You know the people in the night cleaning crew better than you know your
next door neighbors.
02. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:
01. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
english.306madamov,
OBTAINING AN L.A. DRIVER'S LICENSE...
Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in L.A., you may not
have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now
issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles
Metropolitan Area. Here it is below:
GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Name: ____________________
Stage name: __________________________
Agent's Name: __________________________
Attorney's Name: _______________________
Actual Age: _____ Admitted Age: _____
Sex: [ ] male [ ] female
[ ] formerly male [ ] formerly female
[ ] both [ ] neither
If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a
motor vehicle in any way? Yes [ ] No [ ]
Occupation:
[ ] Lawyer
[ ] Actor/Waiter
[ ] Film-maker/Self-employed
[ ] Writer
[ ] Car Dealer
[ ] Pan-handler
[ ] Agent
[ ] Hooker/Transvestite
[ ] Other; please explain: ___________________________
Please list brand of cell phone: ________________________
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skin-head
Men: Please list shade of hair plugs ________________
Please indicate if you have Automobile Insurance:
[ ] Yes [ ] No
If Yes, please explain:
Please check activities you perform while driving (Check all that
apply):
[ ] Eating a wrap
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Reading a book or other Newspaper
Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, _____
b) and how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____.
If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
a) [ ] Call the police to report the crime;
b) [ ] Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your TV;
c) [ ] Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against
cellular phone company for 911 call not going through;
d) [ ] Call your therapist;
e) [ ] None of the above (South Central residents only).
Please indicate if you drive:
a) [ ] a BMW,
b) [ ] a Lexus,
c) [ ] a Mercedes,
d) [ ] a Cabriolet.
If your answer is d, please add 6 to 8 weeks to normal delivery
time for your driver's license.
In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) [ ] stop your car
b) [ ] keep driving and hope for the best,
c) [ ] immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones,
or
d) [ ] pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4?
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) [ ] never drive over 5 MPH,
b) [ ] drive twice as fast as usual, or
c) [ ] you're not sure what "rain" is.
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
(Check all that apply.)
a) [ ] Prozac;
b) [ ] Zovirax;
c) [ ] Lithium;
d) [ ] Zanax.
If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) [ ] 1 hour;
b) [ ] 2 hours;
c) [ ] 3 hours;
d) [ ] 4 hours or more.
If under 1 hour, please explain:
When stopped by police, should you
a) [ ] pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready,
b) [ ] try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
c) [ ] have video camera ready and provoke them to attack,
thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?
english.307petarg,
Shot in the head by a can of Pillsbury Dough - is it true?
Truth Is Funnier Than Fiction
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there
went
to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people
noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up, eyes
closed, and both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became
concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes
were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she
was
okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the
head,
and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the
doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her
head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread
dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister
had
exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a
gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough
and
thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly
recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until
someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
Author: Roy Peterson <roypeterson@mindspring.com>
Date: 1999/03/12
Forum: alt.folklore.urban
A friend emailed me the following and it smacks of being an urban
legend. I went to www.urbanlegend.com and did a search and wasn't
able
to come up with anything similar. Does anybody know whether this
story
is true or is it an urban legend? If it is an urban legend, what
other
story could it be based on? Thankyou in advance for any help you can
provide. This is my first posting to "afu"!
english.308petarg,
You Know you've been out of Uni too long when ...
1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a single bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song in the lift at work.
6. You carry an umbrella.
7. You watch the Weather Channel.
8. Your friends marry and divorce instead of get together and
break
up.
9. You go from 130 days of holidays to 7.
10. Jeans and a jumper no longer qualify as 'dressed up'
11. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next
door
don't know how to turn down the stereo.
12. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
13. You don't know what time the kebab shop closes anymore.
14. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
15. You feed your dog Pal instead of McDonalds.
16. Sleeping on the lounge is a no-no.
17. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
18. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning
of one.
19. You go to the chemist for Panadol and antacids, not condoms and
pregnancy test kits.
20. A 4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese diet coke CC's
23. 'I just can't drink the way I used to' replaces 'I'm never
going to
drink that much again'
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for
real
work.
25. You don't get drunk at home, to save money, before going to a
bar.
english.309petarg,
Men are like......Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.....Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw they lose interest
Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY
Men are like.....Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like.....Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like.....Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like.....Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like.....Computers
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like.....Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Department Stores.
Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like.....Noodles.
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are
handicapped
or extremely small.
Men are like.....Plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Snowstorms.
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how
long he
will last.
Men are like.....Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
Men are like.....Vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like.....Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them
english.310alien,
Forty reasons why the Serbs are not the new Nazis and the
Kosovars are not the new Jews:
1. Because the Nazis did not put Jews on the train to
Israel, as the Serbs are now putting ethnic Albanian
Kosovars on the train to Albania.
2. Because we're the ones fighting alongside the Luftwaffe
and the Serbs are the ones whom the Luftwaffe is bombing.
3. Because the Serbs tend to be really good-looking,
especially the women.
4. Because pop stars don't, and never will, dress up as
Serbs.
5. Because Serbs don't feature in pornography.
6. Because Dirk Bogarde never played a Serb.
7. Because my father tought me never to kiss a Nazi,
whereas I've certainly snogged a few Serbs in my time.
8. Because Robin Cook says they are.
9. Because Clinton is a liar.
10. Because Milosevic doesn't have a moustache.
11. Because the Kosovan Liberation Army is a terrorist
organisation that has been killing innocent Serbs for
years, whereas the Jews were model citizens.
12. Because, if the Serbs were really Nazis, the Times,
Daily Mail and their like would be right behind them,
judging from their track record during the Thirties.
13. Because it wasn't the Serbs who fought WITH the Nazis
in Yugoslavia during the second world war - it was the
Croats and the Muslims (Nazi Muslims! What an absolutely
mind-blowingly terrifying concept!)
14. Because, if they were Nazis, the US wouldn't be
fighting them but funding them, like all those old pigs it
props up in Latin America.
15. Tony Benn doesn't back no Nazis! Come outside and say
that!
16. Because anyone who knows anything about European
history before 1945 backs the Serbs.
17. Because Volkswagen recently broadcast a commercial on
German television that compared the thrill of driving its
latest model to being a Nazi invading Czechoslovakia.
Serbia has never, does not and never will make car
commercials about the thrill of going into Kosovo (Just a
guess!)
18. Because, if you make a film saying that it was a real
hoot being in a Nazi concentration camp, you get lots of
Oscars, whereas if you decided to make a film saying that
it was a real hot being in an Albanian refugee camp, Tony
Blair would have you shot under some arcane wartame law
which Cherie has just discovered on the statute books.
19. Because those ultra-Lefties who want the Serbs bombed
are always the ones who are on the side that's against the
Jews.
20. Because the Serbs have a bittersweet sense of humour,
whereas the Nazis, being Germans, were utterly humourless.
After all, can you really imagine the Krauts during the
time of the Allied bombardment going around with a bullseye
and the word "TARGET" painted on their faces?
21. "I had an uncle who played/
For Red Star Belgrade"
Billy Bragg
Billy Bragg would never have boasted about having a
footballing Nazi for an uncle! Come outside and say that!
(Again!)
22. Because Tariq Ali, Louis de Bernieres, Alan Clark and I
haven't been interned yet. (Give it time, though)
23. Because the Serbs were the only people in Yugoslavia
who never persecuted the Jews.
24. "Bill and Tony sitting up a tre/
K.I.S.S.I.N.G!"
Because Blair can't be trusted when he gazes into Billy
Bob's blue eyes and the hormones kick in.
25. Because, if Milosevic was a Nazi, Baroness Thatcher
would be having tea with him in Surrey.
26. Because no one ever went on holiday to Nazi Germany
(except for Unity Mitford).
27. Because the IRA won't send an honour guard to
Milosevicis' funeral.
28. Because the Jews didn't indulge in personal vendettas
as tehy went into the countries that welcomed them as
refugees, let alone get to the point of shooting each other
at point blank range, as two Kosovar men did in Calais last
week while they were waiting to be put on the boat to
Britain.
29. Because the Jews didn't growl at women on the streets
of their host countries, as Albanian men seem wont to.
30. Because the Serbs have a really cool salute and the
Nazis had a silly one.
31. Because, unlike Nazis - "And Goebbels has no balls at
all" - "Milosevic does not rhyme with anything rude.
32. Because the British tabloids are the first people since
the Nazis to use the word "Slav" as a term of abuse.
33. Because the KLA is funded by drug-trafficking, while
the nearest German Jews ever got to drugs was chicken soup.
34. Because the German Jews didn't want to annex part of
Germany and call it Israel-On-The-Rhine
35. Because last year the British Immigration Office
decreed that Kosovars were not a distinct racial group.
(And it's been a damned long time since anyone said that
about the Jews.)
36. Because clean-limbed, dirty-minded little WASP girls
don't grow up dreaming of marrying a big, handsome, sexy,
intellectual Kosovar.
37. Because Germany has agreed to take 40,000 Kosovar
Albanian refugees - that's "take", not "kill"
38. Because the Greeks sympathise with the Serbs - and the
Greeks always back the right side
39. Because Israel sympathises with the Kosovars, and
Israel always backs the wrong side (Lovely shot of that
Israeli jet flying cheek-to-cheek with the Luftwaffe,
lads!)
40. Because Nazis don't win wars - and Serbs don't lose
them.
english.311legolas,
-> #310, alien>>Forty reasons why the Serbs are not the new Nazis and the
>>Kosovars are not the new Jews:
Odakle ovo? Ko je ovo napisao?
Lici na neke nase?
english.312dr.iivan,
-> #311, legolas> >>Forty reasons why the Serbs are not the new Nazis and the
> >>Kosovars are not the new Jews:
>
> Odakle ovo? Ko je ovo napisao?
> Lici na neke nase?
Verovao ili ne:
THE GUARDIAN WEEKEND - APRIL 10 1999
JULIE BURCHILL - A War Of Words
english.313alien,
Top Ten Reasons for being a Serb
1. You are not a Croat.
2. Basketball team.
3. You can choose between several war criminals in
Presidential elections.
4. You can enjoy the positive media coverage of your country
when abroad.
5. You can fight 600 year-old battles against the Turks and
their domestic collaborators, be convinced that it's happening
right now, and not be entirely wrong.
6. You can always go to Greece and Cyprus and fear nothing.
7. Grilled meat and slivovitz.
8. You get to drink slivovitz and eat grilled meat even when
under economic sanctions.
9. You are the only European country which will be bombed by
NATO.
10.Every now and then you get to fly to the Hague at someone
else's expense.
Top ten reasons for being a Croat:
1. You're not a Serb
2. Soccer team.
3. You get to pretend that your language is different from
Serbian, although it's really not.
4. Dubrovnik.
5. You get to dream about independent Croatia.
6. Every now and then you get to sing "Danke, Danke,
Deutschland," and continue to dream about independent Croatia.
7. You have a thousand-year culture of which no one has
heard.
8. You have a democratically elected President who is not
ashamed of being a Croat.
9. The glorious World War Two past.
10.You have a thousand-year culture....
Top ten reasons for being Bosnian:
1. You can get asylum anywhere except in Serbia.
2. You can pretend that your state exists.
3. Kebab.
4. You can pretend that Sarajevo is a really cosmopolitan
European city when you know that it is not.
5. Great kebab.
6. You can be visited by Francois Mitterand, Bernard
Henry-Levy, Susan Sontag, and Bill Clinton and it still doesn't
make a difference.
7. Free round-trip to any Moslem country.
8. You get to be bombed by a psychiatrist.
9. You can fly your flag in the UN but nowhere else.
10. Foreigners give you money and don't ask any questions.
Top ten reasons for being Slovenian.
1. You can speak the beautiful Slovene language and know that
no one cares except you.
2. You can feel superior to all former Yugoslavs.
3. You can drink after work.
4. You can pretend to live on the "sunny side of the Alps,"
although you know it's not that sunny.
5. You can pretend that you are as good as any German while
secretly enjoying the fact that you are a Slav.
6. Good relations with Italy and Austria.
7. You can afford to be Yugo-nostalgic.
8. You can marry a Slovene and have Slovene children who
speak Slovene.
9. You don't have to be ashamed when abroad.
10.No one bothers you because no one really cares.
Top ten reasons for being Macedonian.
1. You can call yourself Macedonian and not get killed by a
Bulgarian, Greek, Serb or Albanian.
2. Fresh tomatoes, watermelon and tobacco.
3.You can pretend you are a descendant of Alexander the Great
and piss off the Greeks.
4.You get to be sad and suffer while listening to folk music.
5. Good relations with your neighbors, especially Greeks and
Albanians.
6. American soldiers on your territory.
7. You get to call your country The Former Yugoslav Republic
of Macedonia.
8. Fresh tomatoes, watermelon, and tobacco.
9. You can successfully pretend your language is not
Bulgarian.
10.Everyone is interested in the stability of your country
except your neighbors.
Top ten reasons for being Montenegrin.
1. You can be proud of your heroic past and not being
conquered by the Turks for 500 years.
2. You can sing epic songs about your heroic past and not
being conquered by the Turks for 500 years.
3. You can think of Russia as your Mother, although Russia
does not know you are her son.
4. You can combine orthodoxy with Stalinism with love of
Russia and still think that you are better and more progressive
than the Serbs.
5. Goat cheese, grilled lamb, and grappa.
6. You get to kill at least one person in a vendetta and
defend your honor.
7. If you are a woman you can kill your husband and everyone
knows why you did it.
8. You can smuggle cigarettes to Italy and live like a king.
9. You don't have to work even when you have to.
10.You don't have to work....
Top ten reasons for being Albanian.
1. You can always swim to Italy.
2. You can choose between a president who stole your whole
income, one who killed all your relatives, or go fight the Serbs
in Kosovo.
3. You can be proud of being from "the land of the eagle."
4. You can always swim to Italy.
5. You can take weapons from any army garrison and defend
your honor.
6. You can get killed in a vendetta and be remembered as the
hero of the family.
7. You get to be called the poorest country in Europe.
8. You can live in the ecologically cleanest country in
Europe.
9. You can always swim to Italy
10.You are proud of being "from the land of the eagle."
Top ten reasons for being a Yugoslav:
1.You can be proud that you are neither a Serb, nor a Croat,
nor a Slovene, nor a Bosnian, nor a Macedonian, nor Montenegrin,
nor an Albanian, although you are one or more of the above.
2.You don't have to feel bad about being "Yugo-nostalgic."
3.You can have a husband/wife from any part of Yugoslavia and
still
feel like the country never fell apart, especially if you are
abroad
4.You get to listen to Serbian, Croatian, Bosnian, Slovenian,
Macedonian, Montenegrin, and even Albanian music and feel that
it's quite OK.
5. You don't have to be ashamed of your Titoist past.
6. You can sing Partisan songs from World War Two or
rock-and-roll from the 1980's.
7. You get to be cosmopolitan and spit on all the
nationalists.
8. You get to be researched by foreign sociologists
interested in your identity.
9. You are invited to speak about Yugoslavia at conferences
abroad.
10.You are a good candidate for a Soros stipend.
english.314legolas,
-> #313, alien>> Top Ten Reasons for being a Serb
Nemoj mi reci da je i ovo iz Guardiana? ;)
english.315aandric,
-> #313, alienEto još jednog dokaza da je najbolje biti Srbin:)))
english.316lboki,
-> #313, alien
>Top Ten Reasons for being a Serb
'de iskopa ovo ? :)))
english.317gligo,
-> #315, aandric> Eto jos jednog dokaza da je najbolje biti Srbin:)))
Definitivno, sljivovica i basket, ubitacna kombinacija...;)
english.318dusandz,
Ne znam bas da li je ovo za smejanje ili plakanje?!
/-------------------------Cut 'ere---------------------------------\
Here's something to make you smile (or weep maybe): an excerpt
from a
cbc program. It's a comedy & is usually pretty silly, but
here's a
small clip...
a reporter live in new york city asking questions to a variety of
unsuspecting americans about current events...
the same questions are asked to a number of passerbys; their
responses
are all the same.
Should NATO be bombing Bouchard?
Yes, absolutely. Yes.
Should NATO bomb Saskatchewan?
Well, yes, you know, you gotta do what you gotta do.
What about ground troops? Should ground troops be lined up to
enter
Gilles Duceppe? (a Quebe politician)
Yep, It looks like we'll have to.
All questions given with a straight face; all answers given
without
hesitation & with absolute conviction.
english.319miskop,
Bigger Breasts
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full
length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front
of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day,
fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now
complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you
want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper,
and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and
stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period
of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece
of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow
over the years?"
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
english.320dselic,
Sa Pro-a:
How Do You Know If You've Waited
Too Long for "Star Wars" Tickets
11> That chick dressed as Princess Leia in front of you now
qualifies as your "longest relationship with a woman."
10> Can't resist to urge to "unsheathe your lightsaber,"
if you know what I mean.
9> Bossman Vader told you to take your Jedi powers to the
planet of unemployment.
8> We're bombing who? What the hell is a Kosovo?
7> A fellow fan compliments you on your Chewbacca costume,
but you aren't wearing one.
6> When a reporter asks you why you're obsessing about a movie
when there's a war in Europe, you express full confidence
in President Reagan's ability to handle the to situation.
5> Your Boba Fett lunchbox is worth $.45 more than it was when
you got to the theater.
4> The guy next to you is in line for "Episode II."
3> Obi-Wan's ghost shows up to spritz you with Lysol.
2> The dude in the Wookie suit is starting to look pretty good
to you.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You've Been Waiting
on Line Too Long for "Star Wars" Tickets...
1> Even your most loyal supporters are starting to question
your order to "Just keep bombing Serbia until I get back."
english.321glumica,
If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft...
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support.
What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try
eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What
kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration
problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to
do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you
noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup
of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.
I'm running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup
and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00
english.322snoop,
The Final Test
There were three young priests about to take their final vows. The last
test that they had to pass was the CELIBACY test. For this, all three
had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis. A belly
dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest...
"Ting-a-ling"
The chief priest said "Oh, Patrick, I'm disappointed, you've failed. Go
and have a shower."
The belly dancer had stripped as far as her last veil for the second guy
when the chief priest heard "Ting a ling". "Joseph, I'm very
disappointed. You can't resist the temptation of a woman. Go for a
shower."
The belly dancer started dancing totally naked now around the last
priest. She did everything erotic she could think of...but no bell rang!
"John, I'm delighted. You've passed! You can resist the temptation of
women" Now, go relax and take a shower with Patrick and Joseph".
"Ting-a-ling"
DANKO SVILAR
EMAIL ADDRESS: snoop@net.yu
MIRABILIS ICQ: 27494100
english.323snoop,
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts
her nine-year-old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet,
as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says:
"It's dark in here, isn't it?
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"25 DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his
hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car
in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says:
"Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit
in
terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right
now.
You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he
hauls
the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain,
sits down,
and says:
"It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit now," the priest says.
DANKO SVILAR
EMAIL ADDRESS: snoop@net.yu
MIRABILIS ICQ: 27494100
english.324rista.m,
Ova je cool!
joke2.txtenglish.325glumica,
A local business, looking for office help, put a "HELP WANTED" sign in
the window: "Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and
must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign,
and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail,
then walked over to the sign, looked at it, and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office
manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least.
However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The
manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to
type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter, and proceeded to type out
a perfect letter. He took out the page, trotted over to the manager,
and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was
stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good
with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded
to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the
first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog
and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some
interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The
dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the
sentence that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be
bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow."
english.326glumica,
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay
down for the night, Holmes asked, "Watson, look up into the sky and
tell me what you see."
Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells
me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes: "Elementary, my dear Watson. Somebody stole our tent!"
english.327kojai,
-> #326, glumicaGde cupas ovaj engleski(mizerni) humor?
Ono smoris se dok citas, a kad procitas shvatis da je bolje da nisi procitao
do kraja posto je vic GLUUUUUUUUUUUUP!
Isa
english.328glumica,
-> #327, kojai>Gde cupas ovaj engleski(mizerni) humor?
>Ono smoris se dok citas, a kad procitas shvatis da je bolje da nisi procitao
>do kraja posto je vic GLUUUUUUUUUUUUP!
Sta da se radi... To je prosto pitanje ukusa. Mozda su nekom pesmice
Indexovog radio pozorista glupe, ali kad vidim onaj imbecilni spot ja
promenim kanal. Tek da ni ova poruka ne prodje bez malo engleskog
humora ;> evo vica:
Here's the script from an upcoming MasterCard commercial:
Lockheed F-16 Fighting Falcon -- $25 million dollars.
Lockheed F-117 Nighthawk Stealth Fighter -- $45 million dollars.
Boeing B-52 Stratofortress -- $74 million dollars.
Brand new B-2 stealth bomber -- $2.1 billion dollars.
A decent map of downtown Belgrade -- priceless.
There are some things that money can't buy ... unfortunately, good
intelligence is one of them (unless you're at Los Alamos).
For everything else, there's MasterCard, the official card of the
19-member NATO alliance and those who believe that sometimes you just
need to blow up everything in order to restore peace and stop the
killing.