VICEVI.4

12 May 1995 - 19 Dec 1999

Topics

  1. najbolji (68)
  2. bosanci (305)
  3. djetici (148)
  4. perica (96)
  5. pitalice (504)
  6. esnafski (308)
  7. politicki (587)
  8. sexy (333)
  9. bljak (113)
  10. crnjaci (414)
  11. bez.veze (370)
  12. english (369)
  13. lale (58)
  14. plavuse (308)
  15. razno (3020)
  16. unknown (22)

Messages - english

english.329 indi, -> #328, glumica
->> Gde cupas ovaj engleski(mizerni) humor? ->> Ono smoris se dok citas, a kad procitas shvatis da je bolje da nisi ->> procitao do kraja posto je vic GLUUUUUUUUUUUUP! nemoj tako da pljujes po stvarima koje ti se ne svidjaju kojai-o meni se na primer svidja a imam i utisak da ti lose ide engleski, pa te smaraju teskoce u citanju, npr. jel se ja smaram tako dok citam ruski :) -> Sta da se radi... To je prosto pitanje ukusa. Mozda su nekom pesmice -> Indexovog radio pozorista glupe, ali kad vidim onaj imbecilni spot ja da , cuo sam el kondor pada i ja sam ja par puta i vec mi izgleda ko da su pisali neki klinci hocu da kazem, nije tolko dobro koliko mi mozda moglo da bude
english.331 kojai, -> #329, indi
>> a imam i utisak da ti lose ide engleski, Silno, ovaj silno gresis sinak... isa
english.332 dselic,
Sa pro-a: STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT By Rod Hilton FADE IN: INT. SPACESHIP LIAM NEESON It is vitally important we enter trade negotiations with the federation. EWAN MCGREGOR I agree. This one planet and how it trades with other planets is certainly an important enough topic to be the entire plot of a Star Wars film. INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK EVIL ALIEN Werr. What wirr we do now? My evil, obviousry Asian race must prevair. I wirr not face de Jedi. Send de droid. INT. SPACESHIP - BACK TO THE JEDI A droid enters. LIAM NEESON I sense a disturbance in the force. EWAN MCGREGOR Well, shit. Suddenly, numerous pieces of CGI enter and begin attacking the Jedi. The Jedi use the high concentration of midichlorians in their bodies to use the force to destroy the CGI. They run outside. EXT. NABOO They run until they smack into some more CGI. JAR JAR Who might you be? LIAM NEESON (staring in the general direction of Jar Jar, but not really staring at him) I am a Jedi. There are bad things coming. Take me to your homeland. JAR JAR I see. That is quite interesting. I will guide you to the land from which I have come. Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys aren't selling well enough. JAR JAR (contd) Oh! Meesa sorry! Meesa ment to saysa: Weesa can go back to Jamaica mon, okeyday? EWAN MCGREGOR (staring at something right above Jar Jar) Good. Do you have a hotel room for me and Liam? We have..uh..Jedi business to attend to. JAR JAR Weesa can smokesa some ganja, mon. AUDIENCE Die. Die, Jar Jar. Nobody likes you. INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK The queen appears over some kind of thing which appears to be better in technology than the kinds of things in the original trilogy. NATALIE PORTMAN I am the queen. You've gone too far this time. I will tell the senate and you will be in a lot of trouble. EVIL ALIEN I'm so sorry, Amidala. NATALIE PORTMAN No, no, I'm Padme now. EVIL ALIEN I thought when in the makeup, you were the queen. NATALIE PORTMAN No, I'm whoever is playing the queen at the time. The voice changes don't help you figure this out. EVIL ALIEN Stop trying to confoose me! Droids, capture the queen.. or Padme.. er.. just capture everyone! LIAM and EWAN and, fuck, JAR JAR too take NATALIE PORTMAN and other members of her staff onto a ship and they escape. They go to Tatooine. INT. TATOOINE - SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD SLAVE JAKE LLOYD Hi there! Golly I'm cute. NATALIE PORTMAN You certainly are, little boy. JAKE LLOYD I'm the only one disturbed by the fact that I'm gonna bone you in episode two? LIAM NEESON Jake, I need you to have a pod race so I can get the parts I need and free you. JAKE'S MOM No, I won't allow him to pod race. He'll get hurt. (pause) Ok, I will. Nevermind. Good luck. They pod race. It looks really COOL. GEORGE LUCAS (attempting subtlety) Oh! Look! There's a video game of this scene... uh.. buy it! Hey, I had to sacrifice a part of my grand vision for these movies to include a part that could be turned into a game, so buy it or I'll do it even more in episode 2. JAKE wins! He has to leave his mother, which will become very important in the next movie. He also has to leave his protocol droid, THREEPIO. AUDIENCE He built C-3PO? Why wasn't this ever mentioned in the original trilogy? GEORGE LUCAS Because I just made it up. Speaking of stuff I'm just making up, how do you like the midichlorian bullshit I pulled out of my ass? They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant. INT. CORUSCANT - JEDI COUNCIL LIAM NEESON I want to train this boy. YODA Nope. Sorry. Too old the boy is. Clouded his future seems. Vague my worries are. LIAM NEESON Well, he is the chosen one. He will bring balance to the force. I'm training him. SAMUEL L. JACKSON Yoda told you no, muthafucka. What the fuck is wrong with you, bitchass? I'll fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna be a fuckin bad ass in the next two fuckin movies, you know. My toy has a fuckin lightsaber. LIAM NEESON I'm going to go over your head and train him myself, then. So there. He exits. INT. GALACTIC SENATE MEETING IAN MCDIARMID Damn I'm evil. Suddenly, we see E.T! This does not make the film HYPER- CUTESEY like Return of the Jedi, but CLEVER. EXT. NABOO NATALIE PORTMAN I am either the queen or Padme now. Regardless, your cheesy-looking race of annoying, unrealistic characters need to ally with our badly acting race of creatures so we can capture this one guy. BOSS NASS One guy? The climax of this film revolves entirely around us capturing one, pretty insignificant guy? Doesn't that make this whole thing kinda pointless? NATALIE PORTMAN No more pointless than the fact that this entire film revolves around taxes on trade and the cutting off of one, pathetic little planet half-filled with annoying creatures. They go after the bad guy or whatever. Who cares? Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight sequence. Darth wears black boots, a black cloak, a black shirt, has a red lightsaber, wears red and black face paint, and has horns. He is EVIL. Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one insignificant guy and we really don't care. Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids and we really don't care except we want the Gungans to die. Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the space- battle, which is mostly over by the time he arrives. We care a little bit. INT. SOME KIND OF THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE FIELDS MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber battle which has had a lot of effort put into the choreography and is thousands of times better than any other lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film. AUDIENCE Whoa! This is really cool! Suddenly, we go back to one of the other three stupid battles going on at the time. Eventually, we return to the good one. DARTH MAUL (menacing as hell) Grrr. Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very surprising, especially to those of us who bought the film score which has a song whose title gives away the ending. He then kicks EWAN into a shaft. EWAN grabs onto something on the side and holds on for dear life. EWAN MCGREGOR Well, you certainly are an experienced fighter and there is little question you could kick pretty much anyone's ass. DARTH MAUL (contd) Muahahahaha. Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM'S lightsaber, jump up out of the shaft, over MAUL, press the button on the saber, and slice MAUL in half while MAUL stands there like an idiot and does nothing at all. He dies. EXT. SPACE JAKE LLOYD Whoaaaaa! I'm in space! Now this is pod racing! Yipee! Uh oh! Man, I'm so cute. JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for the ship is kept. He accidentally blows it to SHIT. JAKE LLOYD (contd) Uh oh! I better leave! Let's leave Artoo! They exit quickly. The ship explodes, which stops all the droids and just makes everything great, because it's always enjoyable when a serious conflict is resolved with a slapstick accident. EXT. THE STREETS OF NABOO The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive. A huge party ensues. AUDIENCE Wow! Watching this party and all this celebration has convinced me that the tiny, pathetic problem that has been taken care of is actually really significant! Hooray! Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the mindless celebration and kiddie cartoon bullshit, what actually happened was the future-emperor has actually manipulated everything, come into great power, and that one tiny problem has actually been resolved, but thousands more have been created. GEORGE LUCAS Three years, suckers. I'd make them come out sooner, but I work very hard on my films, as I am an independent filmmaker due to my disgust with Hollywood's commercialism. Now go buy some Star Wars toys! END
english.333 nenad,
A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number. The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was. Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers -- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army knife! Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't help but see was full of Swiss Army knives. Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many. "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
english.334 nenad,
The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives. He had cured their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England. He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the doctor's hut. "You live among my people long time now," said the chief. "You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before marriage and we believe what you say. This morning white child born to woman in village. You only white man in jungle. What I tell my people?" The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window. "My son," he said, "I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the phenomenon known as an albino. But look at the flock of sheep upon that hill. Every one is snow white except one. The white baby born to the woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep in the white flock. It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents." The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc," he said. "You no tell -- I no tell."
english.335 nenad,
A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot, with which she could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room, and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'" At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit." Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes in the refrigerator." Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'" "Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot. Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it! Ten minutes in the freezer," and slammed the door on him. Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving. Startled, he squawks, "My God, you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
english.336 nenad,
A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick" contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000. "Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing out in public!" "But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money." "I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot. "I don't want you showing that thing to everybody." And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening when he hands her $1000. "Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want you to?" she asks. "Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says. "I thought we could use the money." "You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says, tears welling up in her eyes. "Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win."
english.337 nenad,
It was New Year's Eve and the house was brightly decorated with holiday trappings. The only sound that broke the quiet was the click of Grandma's knitting needles. The children; Jane, eight and Mary, five, were seated in front of a cheerily burning fire, leafing through a picture book. Tiring of this, they went over to Grandma's rocker. Jane climbed up on the arm of the chair and Mary snuggled into Grandma's cozy lap. "Tell us a story," begged Mary. "Oh," said the old lady, laying aside her knitting and wrapping her arms around the children. "What story should I tell you?" "Tell us our favorite story," whispered little Jane eagerly. "About the time you were a hooker in Chicago."
english.338 nenad,
And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed." And Jesus replied, "What?"
english.339 nenad,
"Hello, Police Department." "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!" "Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it." "Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything. Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down. I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man. Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't know how thick... into my... Just a minute." "What's the matter, mister?" "Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."
english.340 nenad,
A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing into trees. At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same forest, with identical results. They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing. "Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally," apologized the rabbit. "That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same problem!" "All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do you think you could help me find out?" "I'll try," said the snake. He gently coiled himself around the rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail and long ears. You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!" "Great!" said the rabbit. "Thanks, I really owe you one!" "Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either. Do you suppose you could try and tell me?" The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake. "Well, you're low, cold and slimey..." And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have no balls. You must be an attorney!"
english.341 indi,
ovaj sam dobio od snoop-a ..u kakvom mi svetu zivimo.. This is interesting: TWO ETHICAL QUESTIONS Q1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who where deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphillis; would you recommend that she have an abortion? Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one. Q2: It is time to elect the WORLD LEADER, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates: Candidate A Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. Candidate B He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening. Candidate C He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs. Which of these would be your choice? Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer. Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt Candidate B is Winston Churchill Candidate C is Adolf Hitler And by the way: Answer to the abortion question - if you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.
english.342 snoop,
It ain't easy being a dick dick.jpg
english.343 snoop,
Save the wales! wale.jpg
english.344 snoop,
WRONG BALL!! wrong.jpg
english.345 dselic,
Mislili ste da su mali Ameri zatupljeni? Pogledajte onda kako stoje njihove kolege sa ostrva. ;) ------------------------- SCIENCE-BRITAIN-SPACE British schoolkids not rocket scientists on space LONDON, July 19 (Reuters) - It may have been one giant leap for mankind but British schoolchildren aren't very clear on when Neil Armstrong made his historic moon walk and they're a bit shaky on the mechanics of the universe. To mark the 30th anniversary of the first lunar landing, London's Science Museum surveyed 480 children between the ages of 10 and 12 on their "space knowledge". The museum said on Monday that 40 percent of them thought the Apollo 11 mission touched down on the moon before the death of Britain's Queen Victoria in 1901 or the sinking of the Titanic in 1912. Their grasp of Italian scientist Galileo's theories wasn't much better -- 30 percent believed the Sun revolves around the Earth. And if the museum fails to bring British children up to scratch on the wonders of the universe, it may be up to beings from another world -- 40 percent of the students said they believed in aliens.
english.346 indi, -> #345, dselic
-> And if the museum fails to bring British children up to scratch on the -> wonders of the universe, it may be up to beings from another world -- -> 40 percent of the students said they believed in aliens. kreteni! pojma nemaju o svemiru a veruju mi tu nesto!
english.347 ventura, -> #346, indi
> -> And if the museum fails to bring British children up to scratch on the > -> wonders of the universe, it may be up to beings from another world -- > -> 40 percent of the students said they believed in aliens. > > kreteni! > pojma nemaju o svemiru a veruju mi tu nesto! Veruju zbog nekih tamo filmova o svemiru&co sto su se pojavili poslednjih, godina, ali mislim da je velika verovatoca da postoji neki drugi oblik zivota u svemiru, ako se zna da su na marsu nadjeni fosilizovani ostatci bakterija, zasto onda da u tolikim milijardama galaksija ne postoji inteligentna forma zivota. A i da postoji veoma je mala sansa da mi sa njima mozemo da stupimo u kontakt... Ali ako su 'oni' naucili da 'iskrive' vreme, sto je vrlo verovatno, jer ce i ljudi to moci kroz koji vek, onda nas mozda i posecuju...
english.348 mango, -> #346, indi
Cuti indijanac. Neverovatno je koliko ljdui ovde vole da isticu tudju glupost, a svoju ni ne primecuju. Recimo, sve one tvoje "teorije" koje si slao u extra i civilizaciju si mogao da posaljes ovde;)
english.349 philippus, -> #348, mango
ne ne hvala dosta nam je bio krsta sa svojim vicevima PH^2
english.350 indi, -> #348, mango
-> Cuti indijanac. Neverovatno je koliko ljdui ovde vole da isticu tudju -> glupost, a svoju ni ne primecuju. Recimo, sve one tvoje "teorije" koje si -> slao u extra i civilizaciju si mogao da posaljes ovde;) jeli jel ti mislis da ja stvarno smatram da su te moje "teorije" tacne? ja sam bre to piso iz zaje.anjcije a ne zato sto mislim da sam nesto strasno pametan pa treba sad da se bavim naukom ma mogao sam ja to i u viceve da posaljem, ali posto tu ima _nekoliko_ logicnih stvari bacio sam tamo gde jesam..:)
english.351 indi,
i kao sto sam obecao evo intervjua koji je Jay Lenno radio za CNBC prepricacu ga sto bolje umem :) e da, ne zaboravite da je voditelj imao ceduljicu sa pitanjima i _ODGOVORIMA_ u koju je stalno blenuo :))) i da, intervjuisani su samo odrasli ljudi (nije bilo klinaca) J:"what happens to the stars when it's day?" devojka 1:"Well the sun goes up and the stars go down so we can't see them" J:"What is the name of our galaxy?" (ovo je jako :) beli tip 1:" i dont know" crnac 1:"i dont know" J:"let me help you, there is a candy named that way" crnac 1 :"OH I know, Mars!" (uz sirok osmeh i trip da je pametan:) J:"What is a commet?" (ovaj ubija) belac 2:"A commet, is a burning star, whitch {koja} has fallen out of it's orbit and it is under a lot of preshure so it must fall down" J:"How many planets are there in aur solar system?" devojka 2, koja studira astronomiju (?!):"one hundred (100)" J:"what is the name of the furtherest {najdalja} planet in our solar system?" crnac 2:"i dont know" J:"let me give you a hand: What is the name of Mickey's dog?" crnac 2:" GOOFY!" nista od ovog nisam izmislio, samo sam neke stvari zaboravio pa ih nisam ni napisao
english.352 buva, -> #351, indi
e ne znam shta mi je smeshnije, ovi odgovori il tvoj engleski.. :))
english.353 indi, -> #352, buva
-> e ne znam shta mi je smeshnije, ovi odgovori il tvoj engleski.. :)) :)) sve1 u vicevima je PS:posto sam engleski ucio sa filmova, speling mi je mnogo gori od price BTW: odgovori u intervjkuu su toliko stupidni, da se meni cini da je neko onim ljudima platio da bi tako lupali
english.354 snoop,
INNER SKELETON A 63yr old widow was admitted to the hospital Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body. FEMALE SOFA A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. PRICKLY PAIR In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy. PING PONG ANYONE? A 20yr old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed...along with a ping pong ball. BLIND DRUNK A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. (OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!) A couple hobbled into a Washington (state) emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in he head until she let go. snoop@EUnet.yu
english.355 dselic,
> Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly > diseases,poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being > kidnapped and executed by and electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding > out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent time by people who actually > believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in > Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money > to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the > traveling freak show. > * > Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1000 to you and > everyone you send "his" email to? How stupid are you? Ooooh, lookyhere! > If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy > model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit. > > So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there > who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. > > Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and > sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by > Jesus in 5AD and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the > Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness > Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. > > Fuck them. If you're going to forward something, at least send me > something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your > closest friends, > and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a > nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't > fucking care. > > Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually > contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own > unpopularity. > > THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS: > > Chain Letter Type 1: (scroll down) > > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > Make a > wish!!! > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > No, really, > go on and make one!!! > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!! > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > Wish something else!!! > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > Not that, you pervert!! > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > Is your finger getting tired yet? > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > > ............................................................. > STOP!!!! > > *Wasn't that fun? :) Hope you made a great wish :) > * > * Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if > you > don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped > by > a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. > > It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS > one is TRUE!! Really !!! Here's how it goes: > * > Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending > them a stupid chain letter. > > Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending > them a stupid chain letter. > > Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for > sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life. > > Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for > sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house. > > Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!! > > ------------------------------------------------------- > Chain Letter Type 2 > > Hello and thank you for reading this, there is a starving little boy > in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents and no > goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you > pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless > Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. > > Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent > and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. > > Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder-if you > accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. > > Thanks again!! > > ------------------------------------------------------- > Chain Letter Type 3 > > Hi there!!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. > This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and > probably not many sad ricks with nothing better to do So this is > how it works: > > Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something > horrible > will happen to you like: > > Bizarre Horror Story #1 > > Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saterday. She had > recently > received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the > sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of > poop, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, > she died. > > This Could Happen To You!! > > Bizarre Horror Story #2 > > Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and > ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend > (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and > were > cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen > To You Too!!! > > Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this > letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay. > > ------------------------------------------------------- > Chain Letter Type 4: > > As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. > Send it to every one of your friends. > > Friends: > * A friend is someone who is always at your side, > * A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, And > your breath smells like you've been eating catfood, > * A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat > full of assholes, > * A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself, > * A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about > your sad, sad life, > * A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think > you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs, > * A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the > cheque and leaves and doesn't speak much English.. no, sorry that's the > cleaning lady, > * A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants > his wish of being rich to come true. > > Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again. > > ----------------------------------------------------------- > > The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave > you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life delete it. If it's > funny, send it on. > > Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in > Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, > whose only > saviour is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, > otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right? > > Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you'll find all your > knickers missing tomorrow morning.
english.356 miskop,
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!" The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in the closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it."
english.357 miskop,
Car acronyms AUDI Accelerates Under Demonic Influence Always Unsafe Designs Implemented All Un-informed Drivers Insulted All Unnecessary Devices Installed BMW Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster BUICK Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time DODGE Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere FORD Fix Or Repair Daily Found On Road, Dead Fast Only Rolling Downhill GM General Maintenance GMC Garage Man's Companion HONDA Had One Never Did Again Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else. HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive? MAZDA Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along OLDSMOBILE Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day. Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment SAAB Send Another Automobile Back TOYOTA Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object VW Virtually Worthless
english.358 silence,
Nije vic, na engleskom je (verovali ili ne) pa zato poslah ovde. Tema: Najgori engleski koji sam u životu čuo Izvor: Secret Of Healing Inc. website http://www.soh.co.yu/ Šta je smešno Smešan je 'engleski' koji se koristi u zvučnom zapisu na stranici meni6.htm gorempomenutog URL-a. Taj zvučni zapis (MP3) je okačen uz ovu poruku. (Kvalitet i dužina (!) zapisa su originalni, tišina u drugoj polovini zapisa takođe!). TAJ 'ENGLESKI' NI SRBIN NE MOŽ' DA RAZUME! :) O čemu se radi Zvučni zapis je seansa (deo, uvod?) za izlečenje od, pretpostavljam, verovatno svih mogućih i nemogućih bolesti. Citiraću tekst sa navedene stranice (pravopisne greške su originalne!): > THE UNIQE PHENOMENON > SPECIAL GIFT FOR YOU > THE HEALING SEANCE > > The healing seance is free of charge. > It is non-harmful and has no negative side-effects. > Please, sit down, relax and before closing your eyes > press the button. > You will hear a voice of the Master... > (Keep relaxed at least for a minute) > > Master Healer > Ljubisa Stojanovic Niko čeveka ne može da obruka kao što on to sam može. seansa1.mp3
english.359 miskop,
A baby was just born. He was the perfect healthy baby boy except for one thing, he was laughing like crazy. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little thing, in front of the worried parents, but he kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and... guess what he found? The birth control pill ! ;))
english.360 indi,
1. "Home on the Web" -------------------------------------------------------------------- (to the tune of "Home on the Range") Lyrics by Peggy Ben-Fay Hu VERSE: Oh give me a site where the links all work right -- one that doesn't take too long to load -- where the text can be seen on my 13-inch screen -- one that offers a "no-Java" mode. REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM. Please take pity on me -- I'm still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed modem! VERSE: Though your video files give your pages some style I can't read them upon my PC; Massive graphics and sound crash my system, I've found, so please put in some "alt" tags for me! REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM Please take pity on me -- I'm still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed modem! VERSE: Please don't ask me to "chat" with your favorite cat; I don't have an IRC code. And don't ask me to buy games for Win 95 -- My PC is way too darn old! REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM Please take pity on me -- I'm still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed modem!
english.361 indi,
What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Technical Manuals? ------------------------------------------- If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! If the label on your cable on the gable at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!
english.362 alien,
MICROSOFT TO SELL AD SPACE IN ERROR MESSAGES Microsoft (Nasdaq: MSFT) announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression. "We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a 'General Protection Fault' or 'Illegal Operation' warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror. He also mentioned that Microsoft is intended to add banner ads into its Blue Screen of Death in the near future. The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.
english.364 alien,
How to catch a lion? 1. Newton's Method: Let the lion catch you. For every action there is equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion. 2. Einstein Method: Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily. 3. Schrodinger Method: At any given moment, there is a positive probability that lion to be in the cage. So set the trap, sit down and wait. 4. Inverse Transformation Method: We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it. Perform an inverse transformation with respect to lion. Lion is in and we are out. 5. Thermodynamic Procedure: We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows everything to pass it except lions. Then sweep the entire forest with it. 6. Integration Differentiation Method: Integrate the forest over the entire area. The lion is somewhere in the result. So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t lion to trace out the lion. GOOD LUCK!!!
english.365 indi, -> #362, alien
ne mogu da verujem da ovo moze da bude istina ono jeste, teze je napisati valjani operativni sistem nego konstruisati procesor ali ovo.. ovo moze da bude samo antireklama mikrosoftu (cudo da se "kapije" slozio :)
english.366 mango, -> #365, indi
Indijanac, pravi si bRe indijanac;) U ovoj konferenciji su vicevi suvisni sve dok imamo tebe :>>>
english.367 ventura, -> #365, indi
> ne mogu da verujem da ovo moze da bude istina > ono jeste, teze je napisati valjani operativni sistem > nego konstruisati procesor > ali ovo.. > ovo moze da bude samo antireklama mikrosoftu > (cudo da se "kapije" slozio :) "teze je napisati OS nego konstruisati procesor" Ovo bi trebalo da se urami i okaci u nekom muzeju kao najveca glupost XX veka :) a pogotovo sto si mislio na Windows...
english.368 indi, -> #366, mango
-> Indijanac, pravi si bRe indijanac;) U ovoj konferenciji su vicevi suvisni -> sve dok imamo tebe :>>> Trebao si da quotiras red zbog kojeg si lupio rep. Da znam gde mi je rupa u znanju. :) A alien je trebao da napise odakle je to skinuo, iz nekog vica ili iz izbiljnih oglasa. NHF
english.369 indi, -> #367, ventura
-> "teze je napisati OS nego konstruisati procesor" Ovo bi trebalo da -> se urami i okaci u nekom muzeju kao najveca glupost XX veka :) Bio bih pocastvovan. :) Ne, ozbilno; To mi je rekla profesorka racunara/programiranja/prenosa podataka. Mada mi se posle ovog tovog odgovora cini da ne treba sve da joj verujem. -> a pogotovo sto si mislio na Windows... Ne razumem. Pazi nisam ja hteo da kazem da je win dobar, uzasan je ali je teze napisati win nego dos, i win je ipak malo "lepsi" od dosa.