english.502dejanr,
"Relativity"
PART ONE
Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, the top physicists
in the universe (plus a couple of programmers) struggle to
perfect "Dynamo Ada", the very thing on which the future of
the company hangs like a terminal. The vice president of
the division has bicycled in for a conference with the scientists,
to be briefed on the progress of this critical
project. (Later, he will attend a meeting of the board of
directors, where he will criticized on the progress of this
brief project.)
"How are things progressing?"
"Well, not so hot. We have in fact produced an Ada a
zillion times faster (approximately) than any previously seen, but
there is a slight technical glitch when we actually try to run it."
"What kind of glitch?"
"Well, it has to do with the Theory of Relativity. The new Ada
compiler is so fast that it begins to approach the speed of
light."
"Are you fellows trying to befuddle me with technical jargon?"
"Oh, no sir. You're befuddled enough to suit us just as you
are. Now as I was saying, when something begins to approach the
speed of light, there are some relativistic effects. The mass of
an object is affected, but more importantly time begins to run
slower. The effect, which is called time dilation, has never been
used in any commercial product except ketchup." The Vice President was
now beginning to show great interest -- not in the scientist's
explanation, but in a piece of lint on the sleeve of his jacket.
"For instance, if a rocket travels to another star at nearly the
speed of light, the trip might seem to take a hundred years to an
external observer, but the occupants of the rocket would only
perceive it as having taken ten years, and would only age ten
years." The Vice President was nodding now. Soon he would be
completely asleep.
They entered the next room, where a programmer sat before a
terminal, completely immobile. He did not even appear to be
breathing. "This man is compiling a five-million-line program
using Dynamo Ada. From his point of view, the compilation takes
forty-two seconds. But for an external observer, like us, almost
two days have passed."
"Very interesting, very interesting," said the Vice President. "Is it
time for lunch yet?"
PART TWO
(two years later)
Scene: the same research installation. The Vice
President of Bizarre Products Development has arrived to discuss
a matter of great importance. He is met by Zeke Einstein, a
double Ph.D. in Quantum Physics and Computer Science, who escorts
him into the building.
"I was afraid you wouldn't be here," says the V.P. "I thought
the company had stopped doing pure research."
"Oh, we don't do pure research here. We do 80% research and 20%
playing practical jokes on each other."
"By the way, what on earth have you got all over your forehead?"
"We'll get to that. Over there is Biff Einstein. He's our top
man in computer relativity."
"Is everybody here named Einstein?"
"No, but whenever we get a chance to hire a physicist named
Einstein, we do it, just to be on the safe side. Over here is
Bill Blooper. He's the Director of the research center."
"Guten tag," said Blooper. "Ich bin Ein Stein."
"Einstein? I thought you said his name was Blooper!"
"His NAME is Blooper, but he thinks he's a German beer mug. He's
completely mad, of course, but that's just what it takes to stay on
the cutting edge of today's fast-moving technology. Now, you wanted
to talk about relativistic computer technology?"
"Yes. I don't know too much about it, so I'd appreciate it if
you'd fill me in."
"I thought your organization had already developed a product
based on the technology. That was almost three years ago, wasn't
it?"
"That's true, but I wasn't in charge when it started, so I'm not
clear on all the concepts. The only engineer who really
understands it is currently finishing up the Unit Test, so
naturally he's a bit difficult to talk to right now ..."
"Well, let me start at the beginning. You're aware of the fact
that all data is composed of quantum particles, which sometimes
act like waves, in a manner similar to photons?"
"You mean bits?"
"Well, not quite. The particulate nature of data means that
you can never have one and a half bits of information; it has
to come in quantum-sized packets. The term "bit" refers to
the measure of information, but the subatomic particles
themselves are generally called logons or offons. Now, the fact
is that logons travel at the same speed as light. For instance,
when data is passed through a wire, even though the individual
electrons propogate along the wire very slowly, the data itself
moves at light speed."
"That doesn't sound reasonable."
"Well, I can demonstrate it to you quite easily. Here, hold this
wire."
"What are you -- Yow! You gave me a shock!"
"Well, yes, of course. But how FAST did you get it? One of the
new technologies we're investigating is the possible
existence of an anti-logon particle. If it exists, we would be
able to construct retroactive memory chips with an access time of
up to negative 30 microseconds."
"And if such a particle doesn't it exist?"
"Well, we'll have to invent one. That will more expensive,
of course."
"I don't seem to be getting all this."
"Well, of course not. As I said, information particles behave a
lot like photons. For instance, a mirror reflects almost all of
the light that hits it, whereas a black surface absorbs almost
all of it. In the same way, different materials reflect or
absorb data particles at different rates. The human head, we have
found, is one of the most perfect data reflectors in the universe.
However, just let me put some of this data-absorbing paint on your
head and you'll begin to understand me much better."
"Careful. This is a brand new suit."
"Oh, it washes right out, don't worry. Now, I was saying that
with an anti-logon particle we would be able to construct memory
devices with negative access times."
"There would have to be some programming changes there, to allow
for reading data out before it's been written."
"Now you're getting it."
"Can I have some of this paint to take back with me? I know some
people who could use it."
"Of course. That reminds me. One other thing I've been warning
people about. We're now entering an era where gigabytes of memory
are not uncommon."
"Yes?"
"We're not certain yet, but we're afraid that a large enough
gathering of logons in very close proximity may cause it to reach
critical mass."
"What happens then?"
"We don't know. It could mean another Big Bang. Or the
formation of some sort of object similar to a black hole, from
which no data ever escapes."
"But what about relativistic programming? We're getting off the
subject."
"Well, the thing of it is that at a high enough computational
speed, you get effects similar to those produced by an object
moving at close to light speed. Time dilation and so forth."
"That's why it's taking so long for this Unit Test phase, as I
understand it."
"Exactly. To the tester himself, things seem to be going along
quite quickly. But to an outside observer, it seems to be moving
very slowly. Time proceeds at different rates. Probably the
developer himself appears smaller."
"Well, I didn't know him before, but these days he's about two
feet tall, so I suppose you're right. Anyway, what I came here
to discuss is the possibility of producing more products using
the technology."
"Why would you want to, if you can't get them out the door?"
"Well, the customers seem to be impressed with them, as long as
they're affected by this relativity thing. The only real problem
has been test time. And we think we have a solution to that."
"Yes?"
"Rigorous code inspections. If we remove all the defects by
inspection, we don't have to do much testing, and we can ship the
products the same century we build them. Do you see any potential
problems with that?"
"Well, the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle would seem to imply
that, if you know the value assigned to a logon, it may be
impossible to determine for certain that a program assigns the
value you wanted."
"But does the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle apply to data
particles?"
"I'm not certain."
"Is there anything else you want to tell me?"
"No. Let me know how you make out with your new products."
"Certainly. And let me know when you find an anti-logon."
"Actually, since it will allow us to print and mail the report
before we write it, you may know about it before we do."
"That's enough. I've got to get back to the office."
THE END
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
english.503dejanr,
Everybody remember Zsa Zsa Gabor slapping that Beverly Hills cop and ending up
in jail?
Good thing for her she didn't slap a Los Angeles cop! She'd have gotten hit
with a baton 56 times...
english.505dejanr,
A stupid person checks into a hotel and goes up to his room. Five
minutes later he halls the desk and say "You've given me a room
with no exit. How do I leave?" The desk clerks says, "Sir, that's
absurd. Have you looked for the door?" The stupid person says, "
Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second
door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven'yt tried, but
it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."
english.506dejanr,
Have you seen the new Iraqui Flag? White stars on a white field.
english.507dejanr,
5 year old to mother:"Mammy where
do I come from ?"
Mother:"You were found under a
gooseberry bush."
Little Girl:"Do many people know
that Daddy's impotent ?"
english.508dejanr,
Why did the U.S. armed forces blow up an air raid shelter?
Because they couldn't find a jetliner.
english.509****,
[Ovo je bilo šifrovano]:
An uncle in the South, whom I will not name, suggests a bumper
sticker open to several interpretations:
"IF WE'D KNOWN YOU'D BE THIS MUCH TROUBLE WE'D HAVE PICKED THE COTTON
OURSELVES"
english.510dejanr,
Sergei Yevshin, a coal miner on strike in the Ukraine was quoted in this
weekend's The European [newspaper] as saying:
"We watched with envy on television as American soldiers gave out packets
of Marlboro cigarettes to Iraqi prisoners of war. Many of us have to work an
entire shift underground to afford one packet of Marlboro. I want to surrender
to the Americans."
english.511dejanr,
Answering machines. Nowadays almost everyone has one, complete with a snappy
message of their own device. Wait for the beep and then read on.
This is a short adaptation of Simon Butler-White's and Clive Archer's
"could-be" phone messages released in Australian Cleo, August 1989.
(Some of them are bit old, Maggie ain't prime minister of the UK, and
Kylie Minogue isn't seeing Jason Donovan anymore, but you'll get the meaning
anyway,I'm sure).
John McEnroe, Tennis Mouth
You dummy! You've called while I'm OUT! Five minutes You've missed me by AT
LEAST five minutes. Are you stupid or what? Can't you get anything right?
You people make me sick! Leave a message and I'll call you back! BEEP.
----
Sarah Ferguson, Another Royal
(Giggle) Hello, this is Fergie...er (sound of hand being placed over
receiver and a loud whisper). Andrew! What'sthat title again? What? Oh hello,
this is the Duchess of York. The Duke and I are out skiing, so when you hear
the jolly old pip pip, leave your message and we'll give you a tinkle when
we get back - in November. BEEP.
----
Elvis Presley, Corpse
Hi. I can't come to the phone right now. Actually I can't do much of anything
right now because I've been dead since 1977. But my spirit lives on and if
you'd like to leave your name and number, I'll try to contact you via ouija
board, Madame Zenda or garbled tape recording. This is also the number of
John F. Kennedy, Adolf Hitler, Harold Holt, Lucille Ball, Roy Orbison...BEEP.
----
Mikhail Gorbachev, Commie Birthmark
Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of
Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of
the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics,
Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of
Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet
Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet
People's Council of Peace and Happines and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash
Team. But hey, call me Mike. BEEP.
----
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Thespian
Gutten day to you. Here I'm being on ze set of mein latest moofie. Eet's
the latest moofie in mein strings of mega-hits. First zere was za Terminator,
zen zere was za Predator...zis one's called za Laminator. Eet's about zis
handyman on a mission. Eet's drama. Very funny stuff. You'll chust luff it.
I know you vill. Leaf a messich after za beep. Don't say you can't. Ve haf
vays off making you talk, you know. BEEP.
----
Margaret Thatcher, Iron Woman
You have reached the residence of the Prime Minister at No. 10 Downing
Street. When you hear the beep, sit up straight, speak clearly and
distinctly and STOP doodling when you're talking to me! And Dennis, if that's
you, how many time have I told you abut staying at the club after 9.30?
We've been a very naughty boy, haven't we? BEEP.
----
Kylie Minogue, Singing Budgie
Gee, hi, um, I'm unable to come to the phone right now cos I'm making a
movie, or a video, or a new album or something, but I'll get back to you
next time I'm in Australia. and if that's you Jason, I stick by what I
said last night: You wear your underwear and I'll wear mine. BEEP.
----
The Pope, Spiritual Leader
Bless you my child. This is John Paul Ringo...heh heh, I tell a liddle
Beatles choke, yes? I'm out kissing airport runways (hey, so would you
if you flew Boeing) and am unable to pontificate at present. Please
leave your name and number when you hear the amen and I'll get back to
you, God willing. BEEP.
----
english.512dejanr,
Told last night by the instructor of my Finance class, who also
happens to work at the Federal Reserve in Minneapolis.
He claims this is the latest joke going around the Fed.
Q: What's the difference between banks and S&Ls?
A: Two years.
english.513dejanr,
Source: Colleague at Wash. Dept. of Info. Services, Olympia, Washington
SUBJECT: More of Murphy's Laws
* Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
* Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* Quality assurance dosen't.
* The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't
really
know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
* Exceptions always outnumber rules.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
* If somthing is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.
* One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
* A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
* The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the
butter.
* The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
* When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two
weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.
* The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
* The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
* You never want the one you can afford.
* Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good
price.
* If it says "one size fits all," it dosen't fit anyone.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three
weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
* When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby,
while all other coins will roll out of sight.
* The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
* Experience is somthing you don't get until just after you need it.
* Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
* Interchangable parts won't.
* No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind.
* If enough data is collected, anyghing may be proven by statistical
methods.
* Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of
incompetence.
* Progress is made on alternative Fridays.
* No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
session.
* The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
* As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline rencounters
turbulence.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of
them being made.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be
illegible.
* A free agent is anything but.
* The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* The one item you want is never the one on sale.
* The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your
keys.
* If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be
unreasonable.
english.514vkrstonosic,
***** Why is a cucumber better than a man? *****
1. You can enjoy a cucumber all night long.
2. Cucumber stains wash out.
3. You don't have to drink wine and dine with a cucumber before getting
to the fun stuff.
4. Your cucumber will always wait patiently for you in the car while
you go shopping.
5. When your cucumber goes soft you toss it.
6. Cucumbers can't tell time, so they don't know when you're late.
7. Stomach aches go away in the morning, or after you take alka-seltzer.
8. A cucumber doesn't get jealous when you grab another cucumber (or
even a carrot!)
9. Cucumber skins come off without a fight.
10. When you go to the grocery store, you can always pick up a cucumber.
And you can check out the meat in the deli, too!
11. Cucumbers never have headaches (or any other contagious diseases)
12. After you've had a cucumber, who cares what it's worth?
13. A cucumber won't get upset if you come home with another cucumber
on your breath (or a fresh leafy vegetable in your pocket).
14. If you eat a cucumber right, you always have a mouthful.
15. You can have more than one cucumber a night and not feel guilty (they're
low in calories)
16. A cucumber always goes down easy.
17. You can share a cucumber with friends.
18. You always know when you're the first one to eat a cucumber.
19. A cucumber is always hard.
20. Cucumbers don't demand equality.
21. You can have a cucumber in pubic (oops, I mean public!)
22. A cucumber doesn't come (no mess)
23. A frigid cucumber is a fresh cucumber.
24. You don't have to wash a cucumber before it tastes good.
25. The older a cucumber, the larger it gets.
26. Cucumbers don't fool around.
27. You don't have to watch where a cucumber puts its hands.
28. You can keep a cucumber in your apartment without upsetting your mother.
29. Cucumbers can't get you pregnant.
30. Cucumbers don't get drunk (although they have been known to get
pickled now and then)
english.515vkrstonosic,
In a village in South America there was a young man that was what some people
call a cassanova, good with the ladies. He had all kinds of ladies. He liked
them all, fat ones, short ones, skinney ones, didn't matter. The thing was, is
that he had a true love, a virgin that he was saving for his marrige. This
innocent virgin, her name was Mary, did not know anything about sex. Of
course our Tiger of the Village wanted to keep things that way. Well finally
they were married and on the wedding night Mary was very impressed with Sex.
She told her new husband that she did not know a man was build that way. What
a wonderful thing men had to please women. Our Tiger did not want to her to
think that all men were the same, so he told her, "I tell you one something
Honey, I am the only man in the world with such a thing". She believed him.
The "Tiger" of the village was a sheep herder and had to go to the hills for
weeks at a time. He had been gone for a couple of weeks when he came back and
began to look for his new bride. When he got to their hut she wasn't there.
He then went down through the village looking for her. "Mary, Mary, where are
you?" Finally he meets up with her on the street. Mary appears to be very
angry and frustrated. "You son-a-bitch, bastard, cabron, desgrasiado, no good
for nothing" and begins to hit and fight with him. "Hey whoa, whats the
matter baby, what did I do? I didn't do nothing why you mad at me?" our tiger
asks.
Mary says, "Yeah, you asshole, you know Sancho, the lazy one from across the
street? Well he has one also" and she points to his genitals. Our hero thinks
about it, she must have seen this guy taking a leak, shit I can fix this.
"Hey Honey, I tell you one something, you know what? Sancho he is my best
friend, I used to have two of them and since Sancho is my friend, I give him
one", he is all smiles and goes over to hug Mary.
Mary is now angrier and begins to clober the shit out of him. "You dumb ass,
pendejo, stupido, ignorante" she yells at him, "YOU GAVE HIM THE BEST ONE".
english.516vkrstonosic,
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she
replied that she suffered from a discharge. Said he: Get undressed, Mrs. Cohn,
and lie down on the examining table. She did, whereupon the doctor put on
rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts". After a couple of
minutes he asked: How does that feel? Wonderful, she replied, but the
discharge is from the ear.
english.517vkrstonosic,
INSPECTION, DETECTION AND REJECTION STANDARD
Please review this document thoroughly, then throw it away.
This Draft subsedes all future drafts.
There will be an open review of this Standard two weeks ago.
You are cordially not invited to attend.
1 INTRODUCTION
Purpose
This document has no purpose. We just threw it together for
laughs. Since it exists, however, by the laws of physics, can
neither be created nor destroyed.
Status
This is a devolving standard. With each revision it becomes more
convoluted and confusing.
Scope
Objections, protections and retrospections apply to the following
comedy products:
- Episodes of the Forbidden Zone (except this one)
- Directline memos
- Development schedules produced prior to the design phase
for both velopment and development.
Policy
It is recommended that anyone reading this standard verify that
their life and health insurance premiums are paid up.
Notes
Take notes. There will be a test later.
Reviews Versus Convections, Intellections and Injections
Reviews, such as the New York Times Review of Books, are
magazines which cover a subject in a very broad manner.
Employees are free to subscribe to as many reviews as they wish
prior to obtaining a Clean compilation. (The Clean compiler is
available from Harry Clean, Inc. for a nominal fee.)
An issue meeting is a meeting whose purpose is to attempt to
surface issues, then bury them deeper so that they won't surface
again. These may be held, but must be kept secret.
A pre-inspection meeting may be held before the product is
written, in which the producer describes what the document would
look like, how long it would be, what color ink and so forth.
Since these meetings are totally useless, it is expected that
they will be held often.
Detractions, infractions and impactions by a team of at least 9
detractors, infractors and impactors are required to be held no
later than the end of Component Test or the beginning of the
Design Phase, whichever comes first. For extremely lengthy
meetings, an 18-person team is used, operating under normal
tag-team rules. This requirement is waived if Component Test and
the subsequent design effort do not take place until after
product shipment.
Technical audits continue to be required, however they will now
be performed by trained I.R.S. auditors who will be empowered to
impose fines and jail terms of up to 20 years. (These extreme
penalties will only be imposed for such offenses as writing
uncommented assembly language and use of the COBOL Alter
statement.)
In order to formalize the process, employees are not allowed to
talk to one another except in the course of the above process
meetings.
2 Objectives, Subjectives, Objections, Subjections, Roles, Rules
and Procedures
Objectives
The immediate objective of a dejection, protection and
genuflection is to remove the true portions ("de facts") from the
comedy product without removing what little humor there is.
The long term subjective is to get the thing finished and sent so
that real work can be done.
The Objection Team
There are 9 key roles related to holding a compaction.
1. The Producer is the person responsible for creating the comedy
product. The Producer may not also be the Catcher or Shortstop,
but may play Goalie or take an occasional free throw.
2. The Director is the person who directed the producer to do
what he or she did. The Director may not also be the Inquisitor,
although he may help heat up the hot irons. An extinction may be
held without the Director present if he doesn't mind the fact
that the Producer will try to blame him for everything.
3. The Moderator is responsible for making sure that the team is
all in place before the doors are locked, and for preventing
lynchings and other mob actions.
4. The Catcher is responsible for making sure no one gets out of
the room alive until the meeting is finished. Not even to go to
the bathroom.
5. The Reader is responsible for reading the thing being
introspected in a droning monotone.
6. The Recorder is responsible for taking notes.
7. The Decoder is responsible for reading the notes.
8. The Discorder is responsible for destroying the notes after
they've been read, so as not to leave a paper trail of the
meeting. Optimally, it should be impossible to prove that the
meeting ever took place.
9. The Inspector is responsible for behaving as much as possible
like Inspector Clouseau as played by Peter Sellers: speaking in a
bad French accent, knocking things over, accidentally setting
fire to important documents and generally disrupting the meeting.
10.The Domino's Pizza Delivery Person, while not strictly a team
member, will often be critical to the success of the meeting.
The minimum team consists of 2 people, the Recorder and
Discorder. This requires picking up the pizza ahead of time,
however.
Planning
See Appendix F for definition.
Preparation
The key point of preparation is to ensure that the team arrives
at the meeting place on time. If members arrive late, it is very
difficult to let them in without (1) allowing other team members
to escape and (2) divulging the true nature of the meeting,
causing them to flee. It is generally advisable to lead team
members to believe they are attending a completely different
function, for example a surprise party.
Meeting
No one knows what goes on in these meetings. If the Discorders
do their jobs properly, no one ever will.
After the Meeting
Survivors should be kept under medical observation for 48 hours.
Resource Guidelines
A reaction, restriction and eviction will normally cover
approximately 20,000,000 words per hour. Note that a picture is
worth a thousand words -- two thousand if it is colored neatly
(staying within the lines) in crayon.
Schedule meetings to be no more than 48 hours long. 36 is
preferred.
SAMPLE REFRACTION AND TRACTION DEFECT SUMMARY
Comedy Product: Zone 105
Release: NO
Refraction and Action Type: No Progress Review
Major Defects Type
The author Screws Missing
Minor Defects
The jokes and the premise Not Funny
ŠOther potential defect types: Incomprehensible, Too True,
ObscureĆ
english.518vkrstonosic,
How do you get 20 Iraqis into a phone booth?
Tell them it isn't theirs.
english.519vkrstonosic,
Obscure Williamstown footpath graffiti
THIS WAY TO OBLIVION
>>----------> (that's an arrow, folks)
Bizzare Williamstown footpath graffiti just around the corner
HA HA FOOLED YOU
IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHICH WAY YOU GO
english.520vkrstonosic,
This idea was proposed by Cathy Foderaro (chfčFranz.COM), and it's been
elaborated on since the original proposal.
Y'know how the planes involved in the gulf war have nicknames (the best
of which is the "Wild Weasel")? Several of us were speculating about
David Letterman's Top Ten Rejected Airplane Nicknames. In no particular
order, we've come up with
10) the B-3 Near-sighted Sissyboy dive bomber
9) the SW252 Tree Sloth Sidewinder missile
8) the F-112 Fluffy Poodle vertical take-off jet
7) the M-113 Roadkill armored personel carrier
6) the F-117B Capybara Stealth fighter
5) the AK39 Turbo Q-Tip attack plane
4) the F-21 Emu jet fighter
3) the f-14 Nose-hair torpedo
2) the B-6 Rod McKuen Sonnet carrier bomber
And the number one answer...
1) the A-14 Screamin' Yugo recon-jet
Of course, the topic opens up a whole new realm of punning...
the TomCruise Missile
the SideSwiper Missile (guaranteed to never directly impact the target)
the Disintegrates Upon Dispatch or DUD missile
the new scuds on the block
the Ernest and Julio Gallo delayed detonation missile
(will not explode before its time)
But none of this can really match the humor inherent in the name
"Wolf Blitzer"...
english.521vkrstonosic,
Copyright (c) 1990 Patrick D. Scannell
Used by permission
"Software Engineering Process Archaeology, An Overview"
(Transcript of a lecture by Grant Money, D.S.A.)
(Doctor of Software Archaeology)
To trace the development of the Software Engineering Process, we
must begin in the late Pleurassic period (so named because the
air was very dense and it was hard to breathe.) It was during
this period that violent geological upheavals brought to the
earth's surface large deposits of silicon and germanium crystals,
and the first crude programs, barely more than undifferentiated
collections of single-bit organisms such as the primitive
kilobyte, crawled out of the sea and began to live and thrive on
silicon. More complex forms, such as structures and arrays,
began to evolve.
It was during the Ice Ages of the Fortybeloic period, however,
that programs began to thrive and multiply. Unlike the dinosaurs
who preferred a warmer climate, software produced its own heat
and operated better in a colder environment. However, in the
warmer Kerocene epoch which followed, the competition between
programs became more fierce, and the first carnivorous programs
such as viruses began to develop. Parasitic organisms such as
statistics gathering tools also evolved during this period.
During these periods, thousands of strains of primitive programs
evolved, thrived for a while, and died out. But it was not until
the advent of the customer that programs began to assume the
importance that they have today. The oldest known customer,
Pithecanthropurchaser, was discovered at Olduvai Gorge by Dr.
Louis B. Sneaky. Fossil remains and other evidence indicate that
the Pithecanthropurchaser whose remains Dr. Sneaky discovered
died while waiting for a customer service line to take him off
hold. (Of course, the average life span of the
Pithecanthropurchaser was only about 35 years, so this is not too
surprising.)
The next step in the evolution of software was the invention of
the requirements document. Until the requirements document,
programs were purchased without being expected to do anything
specific, or in some cases because they had done something
interesting and the purchaser hoped that they might do it again.
There was, however, no clear perception that a certain input
might result in a certain output. The first requirements
document is believed to have been a gift from aliens who carved
it on a large basalt block, as dramatized in the movie "2001."
The existence of requirement specs led purveyors of software to
experiment with interbreeding of programs in order to produce
desired characteristics. Gregor Mental, a monk, discovered that
certain characteristics (such as Help Key Support) were
recessive, but could be passed on to future generations of
software. Thus a program with both the recessive help function
and the dominant no help would not have help key support, but the
offspring of two such programs would have one chance in four of
having this characteristic. (What we would now call a feature.)
Meanwhile, the first steps toward a Software Engineering Process
Aggregation had been taken. The so-called "Midas" (or "Through
the Goose") model, popular during the Middle Ages and Early
Renaissance, looked like this:
FRONT VIEW SIDE VIEW
_______ __________________
/ Đ đ đ
/Đ ENG /Đ đ đ
/ Đ / Đ Customer đ đ
/ Đ()/ Đ =======đ đ=====
Đ PLM đđMFG / Input đ đ
Đ đđ / đ đ
Đ_đđ_/ đ___________________đ
As the diagram shows, this model allowed Engineering, PLM and
Manufacturing to go round and round in circles, while Customer
input went in one end and out the other without stopping.
The next model, used throughout most of the 20th century, was the
"Osmosis" model:
______________________________
CUSTOMER đ đ đ đ
INPUT -------->đ PLM đ R&D đ Mfg đ---> PRODUCT
đ_________đ_________đ_________đ
This model has the advantage, for the customer, that some of the
customer's requirements may, with some luck, filter through into
the product by a process similar to osmosis.
But what, we may ask, is the model of the '90s and beyond?
Predictions, of course, are dangerous, but many scientists now
believe that the "Osmosis" model will be replaced by the so-
called "Milli Vanilli" model (sometimes also referred to as the
"Tom Sawyer" model) in which the customers actually produce the
software themselves, and the producer sells it back to them at a
profit. Naturally, this model presents great challenges to the
marketing and sales organizations.
Thus, to summarize, we see that the development of software
engineering process has made considerable progress over the past
few eons, and yet in the end we must conclude that it still makes
very little sense.
Thank you. Good night.
english.522vkrstonosic,
The war in the Persian Gulf has brought about the use of many new
high-tech American weapons, weapons that until now had never been
tested in combat. Most of these weapons have met with astonishing
success, but none with as much success as the Stealth Missle. The
Stealth Missle has the ability to avoid all forms of detection, not
just electronic, but visual as well. Here is a video, recently
released by the military, of the Stealth Missle in action.
ŠScene: Iraqi war room. Several Iraqi officers are discussing a map of
the middle east.Ć
Officer : So it is decided! We will launch more SCUDs at Tel Aviv
tonight!
ŠA knock at the door.Ć
Officer : Who is it?
Voice : Mr. Al-Hakbarrraazzer...?
Officer : What did you say?
Voice : Mr. Hussezzakbaghdiz...?
Officer : I can't understand you! Who is this?
ŠpauseĆ
Voice : Plumber...
Officer : We don't need a plumber! We no longer have running water!
ŠpauseĆ
Voice : Candygram...
Officer : Okay, wise guy! Who is this really?
ŠpauseĆ
Voice : CNN reporter...
Officer : Oh! Okay, you can come in!
ŠThe officer opens the door revealing a missle wearing a trenchcoat
and Groucho glasses. It flies into the room and detonates.Ć
Now aren't you glad your Congress voted the appropriations?
english.523vkrstonosic,
Here is a memory refresher for those who have taken the "Managing
Interpersonal Relationships" (MIR) course. If you haven't taken
the course yet, you can read these notes and won't have to! Any
similarity between characters or events in this posting and characters
(living or dead) or events in real life is purely (or puerilely)
coincidental.
Michael Schoonover (303) 229-3552
michaelčhpfcla.hp.com Hewlett-Packard Co.
notes from
"MANGLING IMPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS"
Copious research has conclusively shown that there are exactly
two dimensions to human personality: self-control and evangelism.
THE SELF-CONTROL SCALE
The self-control scale denotes the degree to which a person maintains
control of his or her emotions. Humans are evenly distributed along
this scale with Spock at one end (although he is really half Vulcan) and
Sally Field at the other (see Figure 1).
Figure 1. Self-Control Scale
Self-Control
+---------------------------------------+
đ đ
Spock Sally Field
đ đ
Shows absolutely no Operates purely on
emotion whatsoever, unless emotion. Cries when
under the influence of mind- reading "The Family Circus"
altering drugs, such as pod or when nominated for an
spray. Oscar.
THE EVANGELISM SCALE
The evangelism scale denotes the degree to which a person forces his
or her opinions and beliefs on others. Like the self-control scale,
humans are evenly distributed on this scale, with Supreme Court
nominees on one end and Jimmy Swaggert at the other (see Figure 2).
Figure 2. Evangelism Scale
Evangelism
+---------------------------------------+
đ đ
Supreme Court Justice David Souter Swaggert
(before being nominated)
đ đ
Opinions could not Offers opinions freely
even be extricated and without provocation,
through Senate judicial often frothing at the
hearings. mouth and sweating
profusely.
WHERE ARE YOU ON THE SCALES?
Where each person falls on the self-control and evangelism scales is
genetically predetermined and can be calculated from a questionnaire of
20 or so questions that you give to five of your friends/coworkers.
This questionnaire was scientifically engineered and is backed up by
copious research, so regardless of who answers this questionnaire
(convenience store clerks, you mother, your worst enemies), your
location on the scales is always the same. Oh, there have been some
exceptions, but they were due to people getting confused when filling in
the dots on the questionnaire.
THE PERSONALITY QUADRANTS
Copious research has shown that there are four quadrants in which we
can stereotype human personalities (see Figure 3). This graph is
derived from the two personality scales, with Evangelism as the X axis
and Self-Control as the Y axis.
Figure 3. The Personality Quadrants
low E v a n g e l i s m high
(0) +--------------------------+--------------------------+(20)
đ đ đ
đ đ đ
đ Anal-Retentives đ Megalomaniacs đ
đ đ đ
đ đ đ
S đ đ đ
e đ đ đ
l đ đ đ
f đ đ đ
- đ đ đ
C +--------------------------+--------------------------+
o đ đ đ
n đ đ đ
t đ Spineless Wimps đ Psychotics đ
r đ đ đ
o đ đ đ
l đ đ đ
đ đ đ
đ đ đ
đ đ đ
đ đ đ
+--------------------------+--------------------------+
high
(20)
Once your location on the scales is determined, we can plot your
personality on a graph and pigeon-hole you for life! For example, if
your questionnaire shows 1 on the Self-Control scale and 1 on the
Evangelism scale, you would be classified as an Anal-Retentive, and
are probably enjoying these numbers immensely. If you scored 19 on
Self-Control and 19 on Evangelism, you are a Psychotic and are
probably throwing a tantrum at this moment. Of course, there is no
value judgement placed on any location in the quadrant: It's OK to be
a Spineless Wimp; it's OK to by Psychotic; it's OK to be where-ever
you are (although YOUR location is rather abnormal).
By definition, the personality type of a particular quadrant hates the
personality type in the opposite quadrant. So, ARs hate Psychotics and
vice versa; likewise for SWs and Megalomaniacs. Understanding the hatred
between these groups is the first step to building good teamwork!
The Anal-Retentive Quadrant (The Author's Quadrant!)
Characteristics: Good with numbers, likes to work with machines
more than humans, not fun at parties (unless everyone
else is AR also), lots of them are engineers.
Nicknames: Einstein, Good Engineer, Boring, The Computer
Favorite Phrase: I need more data.
Handles Conflict by: Playing video games.
Famous ARs: Carl Sagan, Ayn Rand
The Spineless Wimps Quadrant
Characteristics: Always friendly, always agreeable, make you feel good
until you turn your back on them, soft handshake, good
at organizing parties.
Nicknames: Ol' Reliable, Mr(s). Happy, Two-Faced Rat
Favorite Phrase: I agree.
Handles Conflict by: Giving in and then not inviting you to the next party.
Famous SWs: George Bush, Dan Quayle
The Megalomaniacs Quadrant
Characteristics: Cold, decisive, power-hungry, has delusions of
grandeur, lets you know where you stand (usually within
earshot of a crowd), dictatorial.
Nicknames: Idi Amin, The Dictator, The Robot, The Rotten Bastard
Favorite Phrase: You're wrong!
Handles Conflict by: Killing those who disagree.
Famous Ms: Saddam Heussin, Alexander Haig
The Psychotics Quadrant
Characteristics: Bubbly, bubbly, so-bubbly-you-want-to-strangle-them,
obnoxious, insecure, humorous, fun at parties
(especially when throwing a temper tantrum).
Nicknames: Barrel-O-Fun, The Clown, The Psycho
Favorite Phrase: I have a vision.
Handles Conflict by: Threatening to kill self and everyone else.
Famous Ps: Sam Kinnison, Sally Field
THE FLEXIBILITY SCALE
In addition to the four quadrants, there is another dimension to
personality (even though I said there were only two before). This other
dimension is flexibility, also known as schizophrenia. This scale
denotes how well can a person fake another personality type (see Figure 4).
Figure 4. The Flexibility Scale
+--------------+--------------+-----------------+----------------+
đ đ đ đ đ
Catatonic Paranoid Split Personality Triphrenia Quadrophenia
đ đ đ đ đ
Does not even Most people Manages to fake Three The ultimate
have a are here. an additional personalities! in flexibil-
personality. personality. ity. Can
fake all four
personality
types.
Although we can never change our basic location in the personality
quadrants, we can strive for and achieve greater flexibility! For
example, you may be merely paranoid now, but with a little work in this
course, you could become a split personality or even quadrophenic! The
key to flexibility is understanding the other personality types so that
you can quickly and easily pigeon-hole those around you and understand
what makes them tick. Once you know how to do this, you will find that
it is much easier to manipulate those around you!
SUMMARY
You now know everything you need to better mangle impersonal
relationships. Good luck! And remember: It's much easier to work
with people once you've stereotyped them.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funnyčlooking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line.
So many people use "joke" or "submission" like I was expecting something else?
english.524vkrstonosic,
Rec.Humor.Funny
Rules for Submitters
READ THIS IF YOU PLAN TO SUBMIT A JOKE
(I mean it)
If you plan to submit material for rec.humor.funny, I ask you to follow
the set of guidelines detailed below. Some of these may seem contrived
and arbitrary, and some exist simply to make my life a little easier.
The principle behind this is simple -- if you violate one of my pet
peeves in your submission, I'm going to go into your joke already biased
against it. As objective as I try to be, that makes it less likely I
will accept the joke.
In brief:
Provide a meaningful subject line
Submit to the right address -- there are several
One joke per submission
Attribute the source
No copyrighted works
No other people's net postings
Cleary mark original submissions
Avoid signatures, particularly long ones
Spell check and manually proofread your submissions
Check out other formatting and joke type guidelines
o) Give your jokes a meaningful Subject line. So many people send
me submissions entitled "joke" -- as if I were expecting something else.
I want a subject line that I can use as the title for your joke. Something
that will distinguish it from all the other jokes in the group. Don't spoil
the joke, of course.
o) Only put one joke per submission. I rate all the jokes, and it's hard to
rate a group of jokes as they will be sure to vary. If you send me a
group of jokes, I will often just take the best one.
o) Attribute the source of your joke. Tell me anything you know.
If it's one line from a comedian's routine, name the comedian. If you
heard it from your brother, say that. If you wrote it yourself, definitely
say so, as I will give it preferential treatment. (I know nobody's
heard it.)
o) Don't send entire copyrighted works. Excerpts are OK, if they take the
form of news, or a review of the work. A single line from a show, movie
or routine (with attribution) is OK, but not a large collection or verbatim
transcript. Don't send me professional columns like Dave Barry's. I just
can't send these out without permission.
o) If your submission is original, tell me that clearly. It can then
qualify for the RHF original comedy awards. In fact, mail it to
originalčlooking.on.ca and it will be tagged as original. If it's
topical and original, mail to topical, and say at the top that you wrote it.
o) If you see a copyrighted work you would like to submit, call and
ask the copyright holder. You will be surprised -- many are glad to
see a reprint with proper credit. Try it!
o) Don't submit other people's postings (unless they were posted from the
USA before April 1, 1989 without a copyright notice.) Instead, if you
see a posting in a non-humour group that you think would still be very
funny when taken completely out of context, mail the poster and encourage
him or her to submit it to rec.humor.funny. Mention the RHF policy sheet
to them when you send this note of encouragement.
o) Proofread and spell-check your jokes. It's amazing how bad the
submissions I get are in this department. You're writing for tens of
thousands of people. That's more people than would read a typical letter
to the editor of a large daily newspaper. Don't look like an idiot in print.
o) Punctuate quotations properly. Follow the typographer's rule that periods
and commas ALWAYS go inside closing quotes. Here are some examples of how
to do quoting:
He said, "The best things in life are disgusting," and then
went home.
"You aren't a string, are you?" he asked. (Note no comma)
She yelled at the umpire, "Your mother was an anti-Christ!"
o) Break paragraphs with a blank line. This will help me a lot when I
typeset next year's annual. In general, format your jokes the way you
might see them in a nice joke book. Don't hyphenate from one line to
the next.
o) Don't right justify your text. Right justified monospaced
text is actually *harder* to read on a CRT screen than plain
old, ragged-right text. If you use a formatter, use a 50 column
line width.
o) Submissions to funnyčlooking.on.ca get an automatic reply done by
software, and a further reply (usually within a week) if they are accepted.
Accepted jokes go into a queue that can take a month to empty. Topical jokes
go out faster. Some replies don't make it due to bad mailers, I'm afraid.
If you don't need any reply, mail to rhfčlooking.on.ca.
o) If I reply to your joke, and you want to respond, you must include
a description of the joke in your response. Remember that I send out
around 20 rejection notices a day, and when I get your reply back, I
won't have the faintest idea which of many jokes you're talking about.
In general, only reply if you must, but if you don't include the context,
I will just say, "huh?"
o) Keep a short signature, with just your name and location. If you
add extra, I just have to delete it. So there.
o) Mail jokes instead of posting them to the group in the hope that the
automatic forwarding software will mail the joke to me. It doesn't always
work, and I often can't reply to submissions posted that way, so you will
wonder what went on. Mail JOKES, and only jokes, to funnyčlooking.on.ca.
Comments and questions (not submissions) go to funny-requestčlooking.on.ca.
NOTHING related to the newsgroup should go to my personal mailbox,
bradčlooking, unless I mail you a question from that account. Jokes sent
to my personal mailbox get rejected unless they're the best joke of the
year.
o) If your joke is topical -- based on current events, and needs faster
processing, mail it to topicalčlooking.on.ca. Don't mail non-topical jokes
there in the hope that they will be looked at faster, I will throw them
away or delay them further. Note this means a joke *about* the news, not
a joke you heard on the news.
o) Anything that's not a joke goes to funny-requestčlooking.on.ca. If
you send administrative notes to funnyčlooking.on.ca they will be lost
or delayed. "funny" is not even a mailbox. Only funny-request is
a mailbox.
o) Don't put form feeds in jokes. Warning people that a punchline is coming
is a good way to spoil it for them.
o) I give a very low rating to puns. I only accept puns that have some
humour to them beyond the pun. Make that a *lot* of humour to them
beyond the pun.
o) Collection jokes like light bulb jokes, JAP jokes, WASP jokes, "do its,"
bumper stickers, T-shirts, licence plates, Tom swifties etc. should go
to the collectors who reside in rec.humor. Rarely, I will post particularly
funny or original ones that I know are not in the collections.
o) Try not to send me too many duplicates. If you send me stuff
that's in the rec.humor.funny annual jokebooks, you'll just get back
an ad telling you to buy the jokebooks so I don't get burdened with
lots of duplicates.
o) If I reject your joke, keep trying. Most people get rejections, and even
the people you see who have been published multiple times get lots of
rejections.
o) I'm human. I do make mistakes from time to time, and going over thousands
of jokes as I do, that adds up to more often than I would like. I forget
to rotate some offensive jokes, and I make editing mistakes, too. Just
because you knew a joke or didn't find one funny doesn't mean that a lot
of people didn't enjoy it. If you must complain, and some people must,
remember that while you're typing your complaint on a computer, you're
sending it to a human being.
Written Humour
Remember most of all that you're submitting written humour. That's
a lot different from spoken humour, standup comedy, situational
humour, improvised humour and stories where "you had to be there."
Written humour is perhaps the toughest form. You don't get the
advantage of delivery, surprise or a funny face. You don't get a
drunk audience (usually) or a chance to use your great German
accent. You must prepare a joke that stands on its own.
Worst of all, the person reading the joke is *expecting* a joke,
and that takes out the surprise, one of the most important elements
in comedy.
When you submit a joke, try to make it work well as written humour.
I reject a lot of stuff that was much funnier when done or said. 95%
of standup comedy doesn't work as written humour. Bumper stickers are
funny when you see them on a car on a highway, but less so in a book.
T-shirt sayings are great on a T-shirt.
Some jokes can be translated if you're careful. But if you submit
something from a non-written medium, don't be too surprised if it
doesn't make it.
english.525vkrstonosic,
Our exalted PM is sitting at home one night when Mila is out of town for a
couple of days, and he is feeling a bit randy. In order to resolve this
situation he decides to pay a visit to the local red-light district.
Walking to one particularly well-known area he comes up to a lady of the
evening and asks her how much it would cost him for an evening of pleasure.
"200 dollars", she replies, "plus 14 dollars GST".
Since he was not on an expense account he decides that this price is a
little high and continues walking. A short time later he spies another
young lady and approaches her with the same question.
"100 dollars", she replies, "plus 7 dollars GST".
Still a little out of his price range he continues walking. Finally he
comes upon another willing lady. He again poses the question to her. She
looks at him and asks, "Aren't you Brian Mulroney, the prime minister?".
Hoping for a better deal he replies "Why yes, I am. Will you give me a
discount?".
The woman thinks for a second and then replies, "Mister Prime Minister, if
you can raise my skirt like you raised the taxes, lower my panties like you
lowered our wages, make me hotter than my apartment ever gets, take charge
of me the way George Bush takes charge of you, get that thing of yours as
hard as the times, keep it up like the gas prices, make it as long as the
welfare lines and screw me the way you do the public, then mister Prime
Minister it won't cost you a damn cent."
english.526vkrstonosic,
Q: "What do Saddam Hussein and his father have in common?"
A: "They both pulled out a little too late .."
šed Many are also submitting a joke about the Saddam condom for
big dicks who don't pull out on time.ć
english.527vkrstonosic,
DOS 5.0 will have a command called SETVER, which will insure compatibility
with other DOS versions. For instance, if you have one of those old programs
that would run best under DOS 2.0, you would issue the command SETVER 2.0, and
DOS would reset itself for complete compatibility!
The first thing I am gonna do when I get DOS 5.0? Why, of course, I'm gonna
put SETVER 5.01 in my AUTOEXEC, so that I won't have to put up with all
those annoying bugs!
english.528vkrstonosic,
A Jew immigrating from Russia was very nervous. He had escaped the
Czar's draft, often a death sentence itself, and was afraid that of he gave his
name, he might be sent back back But what to say? So he finally stmmered out
"ich hub schoen forgessen" (I have forgotten). So the Immigration officer
listed him as "Sean Ferguson"!
(I do not imply that there is any truth to the above as far as I know -
I apologize for any butchery of the Yiddish)
The second I heard from my father, and there is some truth to it, at
least the last part:
An tailor from Galicia (Austrian-annexed Poland, from which my
great-grandparents came) arrived at immigration and gave his name as "Yankel"
since he never used his very Polish last name anyway. After some
back-and-forth with the immigration, he said loudly and slowly "YAN- KELL-LE"
and ended up with the name "John Kelly".
Supposedly, my great-grandmother knew him and when my father (O"H) was
born, since he was going to be named "Jacob" in English and "Yaakov" in Hebrew
for his paternal grandfather (a rather tragic tradition in my family for the
last few generation 8-( ) my great-grandmother announced that the family now
had their own John Kelly. "Kelly" is a nickname that stuck with my father
through his entire life. Did the Galicianer tailor named "John Kelly" really
exist? Ich hib schoen foegessen!!
Robert Siegfried
Computer Science Dept.
Saint Peter's College
Jersey City, NJ 07306
siegfried_rčspcvxa.spc.edu
english.529vkrstonosic,
Two emigrants from the same "Stedtl" (žžvillage'' in Yiddish language)
in Polish Galicia meet again in New York. One of them became a rich
banker, and the other one...? He stayed what he had already been in
Galicia: a poor musician. Asks the banker: "What do you do, that you
are as poor as you have been in Galicia?" He answers: "Well, I am a
musician, I play Fagott (bassoon)."
"Nebbich", says the banker, "you must not play far Gott (for God), you
must play far di Leut (for the people)."
ŠIt's impossible to translate the play on words that results from the
similarity of žžFagott spielen'' - play the bassoon - and žžfar Gott
spielen'' - play for God - and žžfar di Leut'' - for the people (rich,
of course) -. žžFar'' is a deformation of the German word žžfuer''
or the English word žžfor''.-Ć
Shalom,
-Alexander
--
Alexander Horn, Sindelfingen, Bundesrepublik D, Europa
english.530vkrstonosic,
For the guy requesting dog jokes:
Why was Hellen Kellers leg yellow?
A: Her dog was blind too.
What was Hellen Kellers dogs name?
A: rghmphtrmph
What do you do with a dog with no legs?
A: Take him for a drag.
What do you call the same dog?
A: Don't matter. He won't come anyway.
Why does a dog lick his balls?
A: No, not because he can. Because he knows he'll be
licking your face.
--
" Kill my wife? Pillage my daughter? Milk my cow? I am outraged!!! "
" Don't be afraid of your freedom " -The Soup Dragons "
ehgčaramis.rutgers.edu
english.531vkrstonosic,
yeah, i know all that stuff about copyright infringement, but.....
does anyone have a copy/give me their version of the Python
sketch where the stuffy old men, sitting in their "Club" are
telling of their impoverished youth....each one trying to outdo
the other?
i'm not sure if this was ever one of the sketches on the tv series,
or was in one of the "Secret Policeman" performances.
i think it ends up with one of them saying they lived in a
"shoebox in the middle of the lake, ate cold gravel every morning,
and the father would kill them twice a day....and dance on their
graves"
any help?
thanks!
Ray
ps: and if you tell that to the kids these days.....they won't believe you!
english.532vkrstonosic,
Let's say you wanted to get the Def American release of Andrew Dice
Clay's "Eat My Meat, Mother Fucker", but you had to pay for it by the
beat......
And let's say you went to one of those fancy music stores where you
could only afford about -fuck- that much....
Nice beat, but the same amount at K-Mart will get you a lot more of
them. "You mother fucking, cock sucking son of a bitch......"
english.533vkrstonosic,
All this talk about stupid computer users reminds me of
a few stories that was reported in a magazine a while back over
here in the uk.
One guy wanted his Atari 800 to play space invaders faster so
he bypassed the power pack and plugged in right into the mains.
240V instead of 12V smoke one Atari.
Another lady was concerned that there wasn't a mouse in her
new computers box, always quick to improvise she
went down the pet shop and brought one!!!!.
A while ago(č1983) is was a fad amoung some computer mags to include a
flexible record on the cover, this would contain some computer programs
which could be copied onto tape using a normal Hi-Fi.
This magazine (What Computer I think) had a phone call from a
concerned man stating that he could only get it in his disk drive if
he folded it in half!
--
--- COMMANDE
english.534vkrstonosic,
>From the Sunday edition of the San Jose Mercury News, Perspective
(editorial) section;
žSaddam says he doesn't care about the oil spill, didn't
cause it, snd won't clean it up. Who does he think he is,
president of Exxon?'
Jay Leno (Likely from the Tonight Show)
--
daniel hinojosa... email -=> hinojosačhpwrc07.hp.com đ Mountain View, CA
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Jesus Saves!... But Gretzky gets the rebound. He Shoots. He SCOOORES!!!
english.535vkrstonosic,
(Condensed from the book by John S. Crosbie)
Much has been written about helping plants to grow by playing music or
singing to them. Success has now been reported by a man who has been
experimenting with obscene fern calls.
At a local popular racket club, you have to book well ahead if you want to
reserve a tennis court. One tennis enthusiast was so soncerned about not
losing his booking that he left early from his wife's funeral. It was a
case of putting the court before the hearse.
One night a breeze came up while an orchestra was giving an open-air
rendition of Schubert's Ninth Symphony. During the intermission, most of
the musicians spent their time tying down their music to their stands. The
bass players, however, went to a nearby lounge for a few faqst drinks.
When the conductor returned to the podium, he was dismayed to find in the
last half of the Ninth the scores were tied and the basses loaded.
Rabbit is a favorite dish in Paris. They raise them in the hutch back of
Notre Dame.
My greatest contribution to humor came when I taught my pet lizard to walk
on its hind legs. It was the world's first stand-up chameleon.
When the FBI arrested the head of a Mafia family, he turned out to be a
very proud man and kept refusing to answer their questions. They grilled
him all night without success but, finally, when morning came the don
broke.
An inexperienced butcher in northern Canada was asked by a hunter to cut up
and package a huge moose. Never having seen one before, the young man
nonetheless managed to get it cut into pieces and to parcel and label the
obvious parts: steaks, chops, ribs, etc. He had a lot of pieces left over,
however, that he couldn't identify. So he parceled each of them as well
and marked them "Mooselaneous."
It is a little known fact that many lighthouse keepers raise hens.
Apparently, they like to have eggs with their beacon.
I don't normally post or read this newsgroup, so if I get comments I will
post the rest. please send mail as per my sig file below:
english.536vkrstonosic,
New Official Politically Correct labels for 1991.
You Must Comply
old new
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
conservative reactionary
The Establishment White Power Elite
hearing person temporarily aurally abled
sighted person temporarily visually abled
blind visually challenged
mute vocally challenged
dead metabolically different
alive temporarily metabolically abled
ugly aesthetically challenged
rude politically correct (tm)
psychopath socially misaligned
bald follicularly challenged
non-white, non-male oppressed
white melanin impoverished/genetically oppressive
white male oppressor
black african-american
asian asian-american
afro-american african-american
pregnancy parasitic oppression
janitor sanitation engineer
dish washer utensil sanitizer
dairy where cows are raped
ranch where cattle are murdered
egg ranch where hens are raped
biology department where animals are tortured and then murdered
to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white
male scientist lakeys of the imperialistic
drug companies
fishing raping the oceans
farming exploiting mother earth
paper bag processed tree carcass
Many of the labels from the 80's are now passe. Here is a partial
list of the denotations that are now acceptable (all labels are subject
to change without notice).
old 80's 90's
--- ---- ----
deaf hearing impaired aurally challenged
blind sight impaired visually challenged
retarded mentally handicapped mentally challenged
queer gay/homosexual queer Šstrange but trueĆ
fat big boned alternative body image
english.537vkrstonosic,
There was this fisherman sitting at the Lakefront (New Orleans), just
like any other Tuesday morning. Well, he was having such a hard hard
time with this one catch that he started to curse:
- YOU, SON OF A BITCH...
At the same time a priest was passing way, and he heard this
so he said:
- OH! SON YOU SHOULD NOT SAY THAT, OR YOU WILL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!
The fisherman after seeing him replied:
- NO FATHER, YOU SEE THIS IS THE NAME OF THIS PARTICULAR FISH
SPECIES...
Following, the priest, believing his answer, decided to help the fisherman
since he was having such a tough time. Once the fish was cut the fisherman
decided to make a good deed and told the priest:
- WELL FATHER, SEEN HOW MUCH WORK YOU PUT IN THIS CATCH , WHY
DON'T YOU TAKE THE FISH SINCE I ALREADY HAVE A FEW FOR MYSELF...
LET ME GIVE YOU AN EXTRA BUCKET OF ICE THAT I HAVE GOT...
- WELL THANK YOU SON... The priest replied.
Once at the monastery the priest showed his price possession to the cardinal
as he was walking to kitchen:
- CARDINAL JUST LOOK AT THE SON OF A BITCH I CAUGHT TODAY
The cardinal immediately replied:
- FATHER YOU SHOULD NOT SAY THAT OR YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!
- NO, (the priest said) THAT IS THE NAME OF THIS SPECIES...
- WELL SINCE THE POPE IS IN TOWN LETS INVITE HIM FOR DINNER
( the cardinal suggested ).
Once at dinner the priest, cardinal and the pope right after praying began
to eat the fish. The priest commented:
- THIS SON OF A BITCH TASTE GREAT!!!
The pope just looked at him, right after which the cardinal said:
- ACTUALLY IS THE BEST SON OF A BITCH I EVER HAD!!!
The pope then gave a stare at the cardinal and after a moment of thought
he said:
-YOU KNOW, YOU TWO MOTHER FUCKERS ARE ARIGHT!!!
D Man...
english.538vkrstonosic,
A couple had been issueless for years before they were blessed
with a baby.
The wife was overjoyed and told her husband to proclaim the news
by inserting an ad in Washington Times. The husband came back
with a bill for $20000.
Wife: What ? $ 20000 ?
Husband: Yes. They asked me how many insertions and I said 2 per
day for 6 years.
english.539vkrstonosic,
Veni, Vidi, Vici!
--Julius Caesar, 49 B.C.
Vidi, Vici, Veni!
--Modern Guy
Vini, Vidi, Veggi!
--Couch Potato.
english.540vkrstonosic,
A guy has a parrot as a pet . This parrot is rather a mischievous creature.
He has a habit of going to the next door neighboor, who incidently pets
ducks, and rapes them. As he rapes them, the ducks try to resist by pecking
his crest resulting in loss of fur on the parrots head. He starts balding.
The neighboor is really fed up with this parrot so he threatens its owner
that if he did not lock the parrot in the house, he would personally barbeque
it. So the parrot remains locked in the house for a long time.
One day this owner decides to host a huge party in his house so to impress
the guests , he teaches this parrot to talk . He decides to have the parrot sit
on the perch near the door and recieve the guests. He also teaches the parrot
to recognize the male and the female guests by the length of their hair. Long
haired humans are females and rather short haired ones are males. On the
day of the party the parrot does a good job:
He receives guests as taught:
Ladies to the left , gents to the right!!
Ladies to the left , gents to the right!!
Ladies to the left , gents to the right!!
Ladies to the left , gents to the right!!
Ladies to the left , gents to the right!!
Ladies to the left , gents to the right!!
Ladies to the left , gents to the right and DUCK_FUCKERS behind me!!
english.541vkrstonosic,
A man went to Alaska for six monthes...When he left he was a ninety-eight pound
weakling. But, when he returned he was a husky fucker!
HA HA HAAAAA !!
HA HA HA HA !!
HAAAAA HAAAAA !!
HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA !!
BY THE WAY, CAN SOMEONE MAIL ME DOG JOKES?
I'D BE REALLY GRATEFUL!
ROAD DAWG.
english.542vkrstonosic,
> For what it's worth, Iraq is not a fundamentalist society, and as
> far as we know there are no prohibitions against Iraqi women driving.
> It's SAUDI women who aren't allowed to drive. You know, the ones
> in the country that American WOMEN as well as men are defending!
>
What gets me is Bush's speeches regarding Democracy (capital 'D' was
deliberate) and how the US is helping to defend and establish
democracy through the liberation of Kuwait. Excuse me....but isn't
Kuwait a monarchy? Isn't the establishment of a UN government in
Kuwait very similar to what Saddam Numbnuts is doing? (Yes, I realize
that there have been atrocities attributed to the takeover, but Iraqi
radio is saying the same sort of things about us...makes me wonder)
Is the only difference between the Good Guys and the Bad Guys the
colour of the hats?
english.543vkrstonosic,
>Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
>knows what it is.
This is so true. A friend was talking to a doctor who mentioned a disease whose
name was latin for "red blotches" (pretty technical stuff, huh?). My friend
said that must make it easy but the doctor said it didn't because so many
things cause red blotches!
raf
--
Robert A Fabian đ I read a book once.
rafčbasser.cs.su.oz.au đ Green it was.
Basser Department of Computer Science đ - Porridge
University of Sydney đ
english.544vkrstonosic,
Here's a stupid computer user story in that vein:
One day while working in a campus computer site, I was sitting at a
terminal. A girl came from the other room and said, "I can't find the
any key."
I looked up at her with a perplexed look and asked, "What."
"I can't find the any key, you know, hit any key to continue."
With that, she realized what it meant and turned bright red. It was
really all I could do not to burst out laughing right in her face.
-James
english.545vkrstonosic,
Did you here about Norwood of the Bills ?
Apparently, he was so upset after he missed the field goal at the Super Bowl;
he
went to his hotel room and pulled out a revolver. When he tried shoot himself
he was wide to the right 5 yards.
ha ha ha !!!!
The Bills suck.
english.546vkrstonosic,
Here's some things I've encountered working at a public lab:
1. (Mac SE)
"How do I start MacWrite??"
"See that arrow on the screen. Use the mouse to position the arrow
over the network icon ŠI point to network iconĆ, and press the mouse
button twice"
User picks up mouse, places it on monitor, and drags mouse across the
screen.
2. (Mac SE)
"Excuse me, there is an Empty-folder virus on my disk"
3. (Mac SE)
"There must be something wrong with this boot disk--the computer won't
come up"
Walk over and turn on machine. (Note: The computer only had one switch;
monitor was internal)
4. (PS/2 50z with harddisk)
A user just finished printing out a paper. He did not have his
own disk, but instead used a 16k vdisk (d:) that is created by the
autoexec.bat. When it finished printing, he shut the machine off.
"O there's big mastake--good thing I saved it on the d disk!"
Stush aka jjj101čpsuvm.psu.edu and jesesnkyčendor.cs.psu.edu
english.547vkrstonosic,
A couple of somewhat more primitive stories involving card readers (if you
don't remember them, go ask the oldest programmer you can find):-
When I was in school, our public access card reader was put out of
commission for about a week because of someone who didn't know he had to
take the rubber bands off the deck before using it. After the card reader
was fixed, he did it again.
A friend of mine at Univ. Texas (Austin) was walking past a card reader.
Standing in front of it was a student looking in confusion from the
flowchart in his hand to the input hopper of the card reader. He kept
trying different ways to fold it.
David Gutierrez
drgčmdaali.cancer.utexas.edu
"Only fools are positive." - Moe Howard
english.548vkrstonosic,
> I'm taking a duel major of computer science and EE.
>
> This means that my programs work *PERFECTLY* the first time,
>
> but then I don't save them.
>
>
> OK OK another joke, naaah a stupid user story instead.
>
> A friend of mine who had a Trash-80 šTRS 80ć wrote several programs
>
> that were saved on cassette tape. He lent them to someone who wanted
top
>
> learn to program. This individual then proceeded to pop the cassette
into
>
> his walkman, which destroyed the programs as he played the tape.
>
>
> * Is it funny? I don't know, I'm askin.
>
> Jcs120 The Tinkster
Since when do Walkmans have a destructive playback mode?
Hmmmm...must be pretty expensive to have to keep buying
tapes to listen to.
"Unique."
______Opinions stated are my own. Transcripts available by request______
===
=--==== AT&T Canada Inc. John Benfield
=----==== 3650 Victoria Park Ave. Network Support Analyst (MIS)
=----==== Suite 800
==--===== Willowdale, Ontario attmail : čjbenfield
======= M2H-3P7 email : uunet!attcan!john
=== (416) 756-5221 Compu$erve: 72137,722
__ ...Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,__
______________and you would not have been informed._____________________
english.549vkrstonosic,
(probably only funny to engineers and other obnoxious people. :)
I'm an EET grad myself and we used to always wander the halls
chanting outside certain lecture halls and classrooms silly enough
to leave thier doors open. Our favorites were:
The 'Artsies'...
"Pencil: point down, eraser up"
"Lens cap off...point and shoot"
Civil Engineering: (an oxymoron)
"Two parts mortar, three parts sand"
(in reference to the 2 inch thick manual they used that consisted
primarily of formulas for building materials)
etc. etc. etc.
Occassionaly we would 'capture' a student (non-EE) and drag them
down to our pub and force them to renounce thier major on tape or
in writing. We were also well known for extremely elaborate and
technically elegant practical jokes. (though no REAL EE student ever
set a joke on April 1st. Too easy. The rest of the week was hell
though. Šthe week of Apr1 that isĆ)
Ahhh...those were the good old days =8)
english.550vkrstonosic,
OBJOKE:
What is a language - J.P. Benfield
----------------------------------
APL is not a language. It's a plot to sell customized keycaps and
to cause your numeric keypad to wear out before the rest of you keyboard.
ADA is not a language because the military uses it. Any language chosen
by an organization that pays $7000 for a toilet is not a language.
ALGOL is not a language. It's what happens when a programmable calculator
throws up into a card stack. Great way to get the CPU hot enough to pop
popcorn on.
ASSEMBLER is a language. Any language that can take a half-dozen keystrokes
and compile it down to one byte of code is all right in my books. Though
for the REAL programmer, assembler is a waste of time. Why use a compiler
when you can code directly into memory through a front panel.
BASIC is not a language. It's a plot to sucker poor unsuspecting consumers
into believing that they should buy a computer because ANYONE can learn
how to program.
BLISS is not a language. It's ritualistic typing exercises that result
in error listings longer than your source code and about as useless.
COBOL is not a language. Any code that sounds like a textbook for accounting
101 read by a pro wrestler is not written in a real language. It's also
a plot to make secretaries believe that they know how to program.
C is almost a real language. (see assembler) Even the name sounds like it's
gone through an optimizing compiler. Get rid of all of those stupid
brackets and we'll talk. (see LISP)
EFL is not a language. It's a way of writing FORTRAN code without
admitting to using FORTRAN.
FORTRAN is not a language. It's a way of turning a multi-million dollar
mainframe into a $50 programmable scientific calculator.
FORTH is not a language. It's the word between third and fifth mispelled.
JCL is not a language. Anything that runs on an IBM mainframe and ENJOYS
it is not a language.
LISP is not a language. LISP is a way to give young programmers instruction
in matching brackets in source code.
LOGO is not a language. It's a way to simulate 'skid marks' made by
turtles with serious bowel control problems.
PASCAL is not a language. It was an experiment combining the flexibilty
of C with that of a drug-crazed peguin. It is also the 'language' of choice
of many CompSci professors who aren't up to handling REAL programming. Hence,
it is not a language.
PL/I is not a language. It's a dialect first spoken by dinosaurs and
later implemented in order to scare CompSci majors into new career
choices.
RATFOR is not a language. It's a oxymoron. Nobody that programs in
Fortran is rational (unless they use it for coding adventure games.
Then it's a real language in that context). What's a RATFOR? For adding
ambience to an otherwise boring sewer expedition.
RPG is not a language. (See JCL) Often used to destroy high-speed band
printers with a slip of the fingers during coding.
SMALLTALK is not a language. It's the stuff that occurs around water coolers.
Combines the power and flexibility of LOGO with the fabulous string
handling capabilities of FORTRAN.
english.551vkrstonosic,
In article <3973člectroid.sw.stratus.com>, mmčlectroid.sw.stratus.com (Mike
Mahler) writes:
> In article <1991Jan26.220337.11082čux1.cso.uiuc.edu> magillčaltair (Aaron
Magill) writes:
> >I worked at a computer store for a couple of years... get some real weird
ones
> >at times...
> ...
> > We also got a call about the "any" key once...
> ...
> >Most people who have computer problems aren't stupid... just "computer
> >illterate." Work in a computer store to get calls from the stupid ones!
>
> Most people who have computer problems are, indeed, not stupid,
> they are, for the most part, victims of software enginerds who
> have no experience in writing clear and effective user interfaces.
I always thought the keyboard was a pretty good user interface. Clear
and effective. The silly piddling thing with the ball on the bottom
is just a communist plot to frustrate those who still beleive that
Lotus and Dbase are APPLICATIONS not LANGUAGES. And on that note, any
program that takes 512k of memory (plus another megabyte if you want
to actually USE the program) to do what could be done in 30k-50k of
tight code is not a program. It's a plot funded by the manufacturers
of semiconductor memories and disk drives.
As for writing 'user interfaces', you must mean a 'front-end'. People
who call a piece of code an 'interface' are the same ones who use
baud and bps interchangeable, call 1k a thousand bytes and actually
beleive that a system with a 25MHz clock is actually running at 48MHz
simply because a benchmark rates it at that.
>
> Not to mention the problem with lousy user manuals.
What's a manual?
"Most people who were involved in the 'computer revolution' in the 60's
70's and 80's keep asking themselves the same question. 'What the hell
happened?'" - John Benfield
english.552vkrstonosic,
You will think I am making this up, but I swear that this is true:
I was working for a now defauct merchant bank when another guy in our
(computer) department came into my office in hysterical laughter. He told
me he had just fielded a question from a woman whose department had
gotten PCs installed two months previously. (Not by our group, we wrote
software.)
She told him her problem, and he figured out that a few files were lost
from a floppy disk. "Do you make backups?" he asked hopefully.
"Oh, yes, we were instructed to copy all of our data disks every day."
"Well, put the backup copy in the computer, and I'll show you how to
restore the files."
"You mean put it in the printer?"
"Huh? Put it in the disk dirve."
"How am I going to do that?"
You see, each night they used a Xerox machine to copy their disks, and neatly
stored the pictures of each disk in a filing cabinet. My response was to
suggest that we fax them a new copy of their disk. :ž)
english.553vkrstonosic,
> > Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
>
> Uh Huh. And old mathematicians never die, either. They just lose
> their figures.
>
You seem to forget that an Engineer doesn't die either, they break their
own rules.
>> Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.
>
>Does somebody have the canonical list of
>
> Old ______ never die, they just _______?
>
>I would like a copy.
>
>Gary Stringham
>garysčfc.hp.com
>
>Joke: There are four sins, according to Disney World; smoking, eating,
>drinking, and flash photography.
I dont have the list, but how about:
Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings
Old typists never die; they just lose their justification.
Lexicographers may grow old but they never loose their meaning...
english.554vkrstonosic,
In much the same vein...
I will never forget the high shool assembly in which
it was requested that we quit crushing our butts on
on the toilet seats.
english.555vkrstonosic,
(Same joke, different punchline)
> A Polock wanted really badly for his wife to go down on him. He kept
>pleading with her. Finally she conceded, but she was nervous because she was
>not sure how to please him. He said, "Don't worry; take this catsup bottle and
>practice on it for a while until you get the hang of it."
> A few days later, his wife tells him that she thinks she is ready. He is
>ecstatic. They disrobe, get into bed, and she takes his dick in her hands and
>goes (hand motion of trying to shake catsup out of the bottle).
This goes on for a while, then the wife suddenly says, "There's nothing
coming out!" So she (hand motion of hitting buttom of catsup bottle.)
Hope you like it!
english.556vkrstonosic,
This was suggested by a friend and embellished by me:
A previous poster observed that several personalities had German surnames
that translated into amusing English nouns; an unmentioned example is
Gen. Schwarzkopf, or "blackhead." This leads one to observe that this
is the only war in memory that was won by a Blackhead, a Dick, a Colin and
a Bush.
-TW
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Do not use "looking.uucp" or just "looking."
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
english.557vkrstonosic,
Yesterday in American Public Policy 1946-present, professor Gillon was
talking about American liberals and their faith in the Kennedy clan.
He said that :
In 1964, Liberals thought "If only Jack had lived . . ."
In 1968, Liberals thought "If only Ed had lived . . ."
In 1969, they thought "If only Ted could drive . . ."
-Heard from Professor Steve Gillon
english.558vkrstonosic,
It seems that every cult show these days has a drinking game. Noramlly I
am too engrossed in a show to be concerned with intoxication ('Will Mr. Carlin
overcome his pessimism with Dr. Hartley's help?' 'How will Kirk get out of
this?' 'Gee Dan Rather looks like a toad', etc.) Fortunately, with Twin Peaks
on hiatus, I have a little time to imbibe, and to set ground tules for this
activity. So, here are the
RULES TO THE TWIN PEAKS DRINKING GAME
1) Get involved in TP. Speculate on its chance for survival. Get despondent
and drink.
2) Watch the schlock that replaces TP (e.g., 'Perfect Strangers is now 1 hour!
Hilarious hijinks ensue when Balki gets drafted during a visit to
Baghdad!'). Get despondent and drink.
3) Go out and spend $7 on a David Lynch film. Realise that you used to do
something similar -- for free. Get despondent and drink.
4) Watch your favorite actors doing thespial emasculation on the
newly-expanded
'Perfect Strangers'. (e.g.'Damn good coffee.' Thank you, back on
Mepos
we learned the secret to great coffee is human urine.' (*spit take*) )
Get despondent and drink.
5) Realise that you are no longer invited to parties, since you snubbed
everybo
on those Saturdays when your VCR was not working. Predict plot on
tonights "Perfect Strangers' (e.g. Oh no!! Balki does not understand
th
concept of prostitution. Watch the pimp beat the living hell out of
him
Oh no, now he has tetanus, and his jaw is locked up. This is too
insane for me!! I am becoming despondent, give me a drink!!)
6) Sit down and list all of the other shows you liked which have met a similar
fate. Sort them with respect to network. Now look at the total
Nielsen
ratings for each of these networks. Pretend you are a network
executive
looking at the consistent slide in viewership over the past few years.
React accordingly (i.e., get despondent and drink).
7) Now that you are quite blotto, again watch the show replacing TP. Doesn't
look so bad now, does it? Say, I can see myself building a tape
library of this show. Haha, that Balki is such a cut-up...
OK, I'm sure you all get the idea. Actually, I use this game quite a
lot -- finals time, thesis, social contacts, breathing -- all of these
are suitable subjects for a rousing game. Enjoy!
english.559vkrstonosic,
Q. What's the difference between "anxiety" and "panic?"
A. "Anxiety" is when, for the first time, you can't do it the second time;
"panic" is when, for the second time, you can't do it the first time.
english.560vkrstonosic,
There is some good news and bad news about Saddam Husein's war crimes trial
The good news is that President Bush will try him!!! The bad news is, the
trial will be held before the Senate Ethics Committee!
english.561vkrstonosic,
A colleague in my department tells this story. He emigrated from
Russia to Israel, and then from Israel to the USA. Besides being a
mathematician, he has had to be a linguist.
An American couple was visiting an Eastern European country. While
they were waiting at the border, they were talking to three soldiers
who knew some English. The soldiers were trying to explain why one
of the historical royal lines had died out.
The first soldier explains. "The queen, she was unbearable."
The second soldier interrupts. "No, no. Please excuse. My friend
does not speak English good. The queen, she was inconceivable."
The third soldier cannot contain himself and has to say "No, no, NO!
Please excuse my friends. Their English is not very well. They mean
the queen, she was impregnable."
english.562vkrstonosic,
This story was told to me by my father many years ago, since
I haven't read anything like it on the net, here goes...
A journalist arrived in Saudi Arabia and wanted to rent a camel
to ride across the desert to the war front. Inquiries led him
to Honest Amad's Camel Rentals in the middle of town. He found
Amad a likeable fellow and after receiving instruction on
controlling the beast, Amad told the journalist to lead the camel
to the watering hole and water the camel for a seven-day journey.
The journalist did just that and without any further ado, was on
his way. Five days into the journey, the camel fell over and
died.
The journalist became quite upset and stormed all the way back
to town and confronted Amad, "Your camel fell over and died out in
the middle of the desert!", the journalist said. "You did water him
for a seven-day trip as I instructed, didn't you?" Amad inquired.
The journalist responded, "Yes I did, I lead him to the watering
hole and let him drink his fill." "Aha!" Amad exclaimed, "That
is the problem, you only gave him a five-day supply of water."
The journalist became quite puzzled over this statement, so
Amad grabbed a camel and motioned for the journalist to follow.
When the two men arrived at the watering hole, Amad let the camel
start drinking. As the camel was just about finished quenching
his thirst, Amad picked up a rock in each hand and with a swing,
brought the two rocks together with a loud crack, crushing the
camels ball's. The camel sucked in a mighty breath, inhaling
several more gallons of water. "That is how you water a camel for
a seven-day journey" Amad explained. The journalist was dumb-
founded. He finally managed the stammer, "But, doesn't that
hurt?" Amad thought for a moment, then smiled and said "yes, but
only if you get your thumbs caught between the rocks."
english.563vkrstonosic,
This is from the February 1991 Reader's Digest ("Laughter, the Best
Medicine"),
"I'm lonely," Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. "I need to have
someone around for company."
"Okay," replied God. "I'm going to give you the perfect woman.
Beautiful, intelligent and gracious -- she'll cook and clean for you and
never say a cross word."
"Sounds good," Adam said. "But what's she going to cost?"
"An arm and a leg."
"That's pretty steep, " countered Adam. "What can I get for just a rib?"
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical@looking.on.ca
(ie. jokes which won't be funny if not given immediate attention.)
Anything that is not a joke submission goes to funny-request@looking.on.ca
english.564vkrstonosic,
Here's a soulful little ditty sung to the tune of "One Night In Bangkok"
from the musical "Chess." Lyrics by Michael T. Rose and Javier
Grillo-Marxuach.
{ed Congratulations. I usually don't do song parodies, as they rarely
work in written form....}
*Our Man In Baghdad*
Baghdad!
Middle Eastern city.
And the city don't know what the city will get.
The creme de la creme of the arsenal in a raid with
everything but Dan Quayle.
Bombs fly! Doesn't seem a minute since the last one fell
with some nerve gas in it.
No chance! Hop into the shelter
Sitting under fire and your skin begins to swelter
It's Cambodia; or Vietnam; or Dresden; or... or this place!
Chorus:
Our man in Baghdad
Calls in to Atlanta
Not much between the press and shell debris
We'll hear his broadcast underneath our gas masks
And if I'm lucky, Scuds won't fall on me
I can hear an air raid siren close to me
One bomb's very like another
when your head's down under the table, brother
It's a blast! It's a scream! It's really quite an big thrill
To be out here in the rubble; we're examining the last kill
Wait a minute! If you've seen one network's retired
military commentators...
Skin lice! Open sores! We're not afraid
of the mustard gas pustules
Ca-ble! You're looking at a newsman
Who's every phrase is out on the tube, man
I get my news *before* the networks, Brokaw!
I don't see Rather reading the kind of scoops
I'm postulating
I'd give you Pete; I'll take Wolf Blitzer
And the Times will print "whatever fits her."
And you better believe that Saddam is watching
from his bunker
Chorus:
Our Man in Baghdad
Makes the war seem simple
He's got a platitude for every shot
He's not afraid of going over budget
And if we're lucky, the Allies won't choke
I can smell a story in the acrid smoke
Chorus repeats, and out...
english.565vkrstonosic,
UNITED PRESS INTERNATIONAL
Mountain View, CA - A plot has recently been discovered which has as
its objective the elimination of people with long last names. Since
people often use their last name as their login names, Sun has
disabled biff for folks with login names of 8 characters in length.
The obvious goal is that these people will miss their important
mail, thus losing their jobs, where they are finally forced to
become homeless people forever roaming the back alleys of Vons
stores. This heinous plot, which discriminates against those who
are nominally verbose, is believed to be the brainchild of Mr.-
short-name himself -- Bill Joy, who has been known to scoff at users
who need to hit more than 4 keys to type in their user name
(including the carriage-return). This bug has of course been
reported Sun, but the honest programmers are helpless to fix it,
because they will lose their jobs if they do not subscribe to
methods of the this most evil of conspiracies.
[the part about the bug in in.comsat (biff) is true; the rest is fiction]
english.566vkrstonosic,
(original, although reminds me of variations...)
Upon hearing that Saddam had come down with a nasty cold, a Navy Doctor
from one of the carriers in the Gulf sent him some 12-hour Sudafed
capsules with the following prescription:
To feel better, take one.
To make everyone else feel better, take two.
english.567vkrstonosic,
[This occurred to me after hearing some mention of internment or maybe it
was intermittent. Please excuse the rather racial nature of the joke, no
slur is intended]
Today, Senator Ted Kennedy announced his strong opposition to legislation
recently proposed in the U.S. senate which would intern Arab Americans in
the event of war with Iraq. Kennedy cited the closing of convenience stores
which would occur as a result of the legislation as his primary reason for
the condemnation. "Being able to go out after the bars have closed and buy
beer is a right no American should be denied!" Kennedy slurred in the
announcement.
english.568vkrstonosic,
I work at the support hotline for a large company that sells Unix systems.
Customer calls are first handled by a group of receptionists, who
determine the general nature of each caller's problem or question and
then place it on a queue. The receptionists attach a "headline" to each
call, so that the support analysts can decide whether a particular call is
within their area of expertise. Unfortunately, the receptionists are not
generally familiar with Unix.
Sometimes the receptionist mangles Unix in a funny way.
"Previous shelves have been filled. Processes are dangling."
"Trying to get a back door booth"
"Problem with supper block"
"Questions on the fuzzy disk controller"
"Problem with the getty desk"
Spelling errors can happen.
"Question on COBOL air conditions"
"Problem with defunk processor"
"Mothly backup roots petition needs to verify"
Sometimes there is strange imagery involved. Picture this:
"System running in two time zones"
"Error log file that self purges"
"The program keeps changing"
"Terminal is screaming"
There is some hardware we just don't support.
"Getting rat errors"
"Part number for prompt chip"
"Put in new version of VCR has a couple of questions"
This is clearly NOT a software problem.
"Terminal burning up -- smelling smoke"
Maybe the machine would be happier in another room.
"Problems w/equiptment attached to Unix through short hall"
Users may get a little fed up.
"The light is flashing"
"Getting error message that says enough already"
"Can something be done. If so, how?"
Maybe our software is just too boring.
"Trying to run with terminal cannot get into software"
This one came up just before war broke out in the gulf.
"Colonel destroyed"
Sometimes, you just have to wonder...
"Users are getting bumped off and hanging up"
... What presence of mind, replacing the handset just as they die.
"Printer not talking properly"
... Start it on the simple words: see Spot run...
"Problem with PC going into the Unix box"
... Tell that PC to STAY PUT!
"How much swab space?"
... Check the QTIP parameter, or blow your nose before calling us.
"Command responds too rapidly"
... Maybe you can downgrade to a slower CPU.
"Would like to kill a certain group of users"
... Yeah, well, wouldn't we all.
"Syster is hung for the last 2 days"
... Sounds like a personal problem!
Finally, this one is just too theoretical.
"How can she enter data into a hard coated field?"
english.569tiki,
To ALL čEU de 4X1DA 12.04.91 18:38 GMT 3022 Bytes
JOKE ABOUT ENGINEERS
*** Bulletin-ID: 2024_4Z4SV ***
IV3CJT!IV3AVQ!I3XTY!IK3BLZ!IW4BVX!I5XYU!IK0CHU!IK0PED!I5APM!IW5AVM!I1ICZ!I1HUH!
IK1EBG!TK0KP!FE6BIG!HB9PD!HB9AJ!HB9JAM!4X1RU!4Z4SV
From: 4X1DAč4Z4SV.ISR.EU
To: ALLčEU
Subject: Arcitect and Engineer Jokes
Real Engineers...
Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match
Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screw- drivers for their
birthday.
Real Engineers wear moustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because
they're lazy.
Real engineers have a non-technial vocbulary of 800 words.
Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier.
Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not
their own shirt size.
Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, tele- visions, watches,
and automatic transmissions.
Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Farenheit, 25 degrees Celius, and 298
degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day"
Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a conversation
with a dail tone or busy signal.
Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are.
Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today.
I drove my own car".
Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their
name on it and an office with a window.
Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.
Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs.
Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before
making a bird bath.
Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Philips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum
Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.
Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny.
-- Anonymous --
YT3A >
english.570xenomorphe,
Evo nekoliko priloga bogatstvu fraza:
I appreciate your meat ball
Do not annoy the female bear
Fume of a cunt
Water & onions
Like a white tulip
english.571alexa,
-> #570, xenomorpheEvo još jedne:
I appreciate your religion.
english.572ivantod,
***** RELIGIOUS VIEW OF LIFE *****
TAOISM Shit happens.
CONFUCIANISM Confucius says: "Shit happens."
BUDDHISM If shit happens, it really isn't shit.
ZEN What is the sound of shit happening?
HINDUISM This shit happened before.
ISLAM If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
PROTESTANTISM Let shit happen to someone else.
CATHOLICISM If shit happens, you deserve it.
JUDAISM Why does shit always happen to us?
AGNOSTICISM What is this shit?
ATHEISM I don't believe this shit.
english.573vkrstonosic,
To whoever wrote 'You can never have enough of a good thing.'
What a wimp!
You should have said anything else!
like: 'Yeah, i had enough, but your sister wanted more.'
anything, sheesh. Then kicked him in the nuts and ran.
english.574vkrstonosic,
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
He only comes once a year.... and then it's down a chimney
english.575vkrstonosic,
Keywords:
Ya know Christ was a nice jewish boy....
You could tell.... He thought his mom was a virgin; she thought he was a
god...
He wanted to be a lawyer.... but he got nailed on his boards!!
english.576vkrstonosic,
First nun joke.
The scene: three nuns sitting around a table taking tea.
Nun 1: Well, guess what I found in Father's top desk drawer
as I was cleaning the rectory today!
Nun 2: Say no more! (she titters) I poked 'em full of holes!
Nun 3: (faints)
Second nun joke (via my sister, originally from the Mother
Superior at her high school).
What's a nun say when her strap breaks?
"My cup runneth over!"
(hyuck hyuck)
english.577vkrstonosic,
I personally know Craig Shergold, the guy who asked for "get well"
cards some time ago. He is really pissed off by all those people
who pretend/refuse to believe that he exists. Apparently, the
original (true) story about Craig asking for get well cards got
mixed with various silly legends (like the latest one, about a
business cards request) and people think *everything* is false.
Craig already has four different versions of the GGBJ (Green
Golfball Joke). He would like to get more. So, please, email them
to me and I will hand them to Craig.
Marcin.
P.S. Craig will probably get a Usenet acces starting in September.
english.578vkrstonosic,
Into deepest, and darkest if it came to that, Africa, came those
intrepid scavengers of yore, Keats and Chapman, eager for glory,
booty, and a chance to espy all that National Geographic left out.
Actually, as a lad Keats had devoured H. Rider Haggard by the yard,
and he always yearned to take a peek for himself. But it
was mere gelt...swag...valuta...GOLD...that lured the avaricious
Chapman.
Reality soon intervened. Their myths withstood the chaotic, 21st century
streets of Lagos, the boom boxes of Nairobi and the teens with Madonna
teeshirts in Kinshassa. But what finally made the boys give up their
youthful misconceptions were the mimes. "King Solomon's Mimes" they
called themselves, proving that bad puns could appear anywhere
in one of these pieces, and not just at the end.
These buzzards, whose rites are apparently as rigid as
Masons', tortured passers-by in the same way as their American
cousins: they padded around imaginary walls, sat upon imaginary
stools, mimicked the gait and appearance of innocents, and
projected such a dreary air of gaiety that the gay hairdressers
of the "interior" banded together to wreak an appropriate
vengence upon them: they butchered them in their sleep. And
by way of calling card and warning, they shrank their victims'
heads. All the while maintaining really good hair.
Chapman was staggered. And seconds passed before he could come
up with his usual thick witted response: something about losing
one's head, but he shamefacedly mumbled his words and pretended
that he had said nothing, pointing instead to a macaw on a nearby
perch. (Neither macaws nor perch, however, are native to Africa.)
Keats, however, was more than a little impressed by the
hairdresser's attention to detail. "A marcelled morceau!" he
exclaimed, holding a head aloft. Chapman gave a fine impression
of a man lost in thought, while quizzical eyes from every
quarter measured him for tonsure.
english.579vkrstonosic,
Why do dogs lick their balls?
Because they can't make a fist!
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
haha ha ha haaa
haha ha ha ha haaa
haha ha haaa
haha ha ha ha haaa
haha ha ha ha haaa
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Road Dawg.
(canis weirdus)
english.580vkrstonosic,
Saw a comedy show last night at the student union coffee house. The
funniest part I can remember was when the warm-up guy ended his act by
describing what happened to him in Vale, Colorado, when he was about to
have sex and realized that his condoms were outside in the glove box in
the car. Frozen. Frozen solid. Frozen solid like he'd put them in a
freezer. He said he put one on and his dick turned into a blue otter pop
(tm), which I've never seen but am told are frozen push-up popsicle deserts.
It was hysterical to picture. I don't know; maybe you had to be there.
The headliner was a political comedian. He remarked about the controversy
in Georgia over the supposed fact that since oral sex is prohibited in the
law books, oral sex is a violation of our Constitutional rights. "A
violation of WHAT rights?" he asked. "Our right to free speech??!!" ;-)
This reminds me of another thing:
Drinking and sex don't mix; put down your drink first!
I'm waiting on the correct versions of some jokes I don't recall well
enough to post just yet.
english.581vkrstonosic,
The following memorandum was apparently circulated at the L.A. Times:
--------
Los Angeles Times -- Intra-Office Correspondence
To members of the Times staff:
Because of the current outflow-inflow revenue imbalances, certain
economy measures are being implemented throughout the newspaper for the
duration of the difficulties. Your cooperation is necessary to help correct
the imbalance more quickly.
Starting immediately:
--The Times' travel office has been instructed to book employees in more
economical hotels; as a guideline, for example, any hotel providing mints
on pillows is excluded from this list. For your further guidance, a hotel &
motel guide "Corporate America on $29.95 a day," is being reprinted for
distribution.
--Any reporters/photographers traveling together will occupy only one room;
for propriety's sake, they will sleep in shifts, one by day, the other by
night. In case of a dispute over shift assignments, any editor at or above
the rank of assistant metropolitan editor can be called in to mediate.
--When traveling, do not purchase local newspapers. These can be obtained from
hotel check-out desks, in the seating areas of coffee shops where they have
been discarded by others, or taken from so-called "street people" sleeping
on benches and sidewalks.
--All reporters' notebooks will be issued by the city desk. Any request for
new notebooks must be accompanied by turning in a used one, with all pages
filled on both sides. When taking notes, please use abbreviations wherever
possible; this will help to conserve. The same rule for turning in used items
will hold for pens, and pencil stubs. New cassette tapes will be provided
when old ones are turned in. To obtain further use from your tape recorder
batteries, lick the battery head with the tip of your tongue and reinsert
batteries in tape recorder.
--Like first-class travel, first-class postage is now prohibited, except under
extraordinary circumstances. Postcards will be provided through your
department secretary. Any reporter wishing to send items first-class can
petition orally or in writing to the city desk for the necessary stamps.
--To avoid wastage of newsprint, street-vendor racks will be installed in the
newsroom and throughout the building. Reporters deemed "need to know" can
obtain coins from the city desk to purchase one (1) newspaper daily; others
are encouraged to bring their newspapers from home, or to purchase them at work
--When dining out of town while on company business, employees are encouraged
to follow current Administration guidelines and use catsup as a vegetable.
--To aid in our company "balance of payments," this fall, a company sales
program, much akin to the Girl Scouts' cookie sales program -- will be
instituted. Times-produced and Times-logo merchandise will be sold by
employees in the course of their other duties i.e., reporters traveling
around southern California for interviews and research. The Times' marketing
division is preparing "kits," cases containing a sample array of Times
merchandise, and order books. These kits should be available by December 1,
and will be distributed by your supervisor.
--To conserve energy, rolling blackouts of computer and electric-light power
will be observed throughout the editorial department. We will try to time
these to avoid any conflict with your department deadlines.
--The Times is also instituting a suggestion plan to encourage employees'
ideas on cost-cutting. Employees whose suggestions are adopted will be
rewarded with free meal passes to the company cafeteria.
-----
"Kaneis edw den tragouda, kanenas den xorevei,
Akoune mono thn pennia, kai o nous tous taksideyei..."
english.582vkrstonosic,
I am going to regret doing this, but here goes nothing:
Due to the dearth of any even remotely funny material in rec.humor
lately, I thought to post various files ftp'ed from various sites
(don't ask me where from, I won't tell you, sorry...) - BUT ONLY
IF PEOPLE WANT ME TO!
I could manage a couple or so a day. I don't claim that they are
amazingly funny, but may manage to raise a smile on your lips. Most
of them are funny stories or compilations of jokes, and will be POSTED
in rec.humor - please don't mail me for them. All in all, it will be
along the lines of the Henry Cate III posts..
I will include credit, wherever I can. The old-timers will recognize
some (or most ...) of them, but at least it will bring down the
requests for the GGJ or the sorority joke-file...
Still, the files (some of them...) are pretty big, and I would not
want to hog the net if no-one wants to read them. So if any of you
want this to happen, please mail me at:
hadjiyi@garfield.cs.wisc.edu
and if I get enough requests, I will start posting...Meanwhile,here's
one to whet your appetite...
english.583vkrstonosic,
During one of the war interviews, the state department spokesman mentioned
that in this war, something was invented and is being used that has never
happened before in any previous war. He said that this was due to the fact
that some of the troops in Saudia Arabia are women. The invention was a new
kind of device used exclusively by women during 'that time of the month'. It
is equipped with special foils to keep the sand, bomb debris, etc. out while
still performing it's duty.
This new invention that the military designed is called:
a Desert Shield.
(I know, I know, you saw it coming a mile off. I thought it was amusing.)
english.584vkrstonosic,
Hey! It's Little Danforth, as Mark Russell calls him!
Anybody remember who his senior legislative aide was
back in the Reagan days? It was Rob Owen. "Who's Rob
Owen?" you ask? Well,
Check the Senate Iran-Contra hearing transcripts for
a REAL chuckle.
english.585vkrstonosic,
Q: What's the difference between some <IYFEG>s, and a piece of toast ?
A: You can make soldiers out of the piece of toast !
english.586vkrstonosic,
{Insert joke here}
"I dunno 'bout those two guys on the end that look like Elvis
but the one in the middle is the spittn' image of
Willie Nelson!"
english.587vkrstonosic,
THE RULES
1. The FEMALE always makes the rules.
2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the FEMALE suspects the Male of knowing all the rules, she must
immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The FEMALE is never wrong.
6. If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which is a
direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize IMMEDIATELY for causing the
misunderstanding.
8. The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must NEVER change his mind without the expressed written
consent of the FEMALE.
10. The FEMALE has every right to be angry and upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to
be angry.
12. The FEMALE must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not
she wants him to be angryor upset.
13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.
14. The Male who doesn't abide by these rules can't take the heat, lacks
backbone and is a wimp.
15. Any attempt to document the rules can result in bodily harm.
16. If the FEMALE has PMS, all the rules are null and void.
17. The FEMALE is ready when she is ready.
18. The Male must be ready at all times.
Thank You for your time.
english.588vkrstonosic,
Top Ten Rejected Model Names for New Cars
10. Pontiac Cyst
9. Plymouth SCUD
8. Oldsmobile Beiruter
7. Dodge Glove
6. Hyundai Accordian
5. Ferrari Castrato
4. Mazda Eczema 500
3. Nissan Spleen
2. Ford Gelding
and the Number One Rejected Model Name for New Cars...
1. Yugo Screw Yourself
english.589vkrstonosic,
News Report:Several million condoms were flown
into the Gulf for use to prevent sand from getting into
the barrels of the guns.(Reminds me of the chant from
one of those war films,I think it was "Hamburger Hill"
`This is my rifle,this is my gun,one is for war,one is
for fun.')
In fact I can now reveal that the condoms are
infact a new defence system:Anti Iraqi Defence System
or the `Patriot Condom' for short.The reason I know this
is because one of the sets of instruction booklets
supplyed with the condoms(and printed below)was leaked
(it is hoped that this will be the only leakage from
theis condoms)to this netuser.
** Instructions for use of Patriot **
1) The condom should alwas be in position before
manouvers as an explosion can happen at any time.
2) The condom should be placed in possition after
launcher has been erected.
3) In case of a sneak attack when the Patriot is
unavaitable a cold shower is advised.If this doesn't
work and the man keeps attacking a quick knee to the
scrotum area is advised.
4) If the launcher fails to perform it should be
withdrawn and given time to refuel before another
launch is attempted.
5) It must be remembered that the launcher is
reuseable and should not be thrown away or abused
(self abuse is the worst).
6) The size of the launcher doesen't matter,it's
the size of the warhead it carries.
english.590vkrstonosic,
There are three guys on a ship, one Russian, one American, and a Mexican.
First, the Russian got a bottle of Vodka and took a drink, and he throw
the bottle out of the ship. So the Mexican ask him why did he waste a
bottle of Vodka since he only took a drink, the Russian said, "We got plenty
of Vodka in our country!" After that the Mexican got a burrito and took
a bite, and immediately he throw that away too. So the American ask him
why is he doing that, the Mexican reply that they have bunch of burritos
in their country too. Finally the American throw the Mexican out of the
ship!
(I got it from my friend.)
english.591vkrstonosic,
This is from Newsweek, quoting (I believe) a retired general:
"B-52 bombing from 30,000-40,000 feet is very accurate. They
hit the ground every time."
english.592vkrstonosic,
For those who posted me, sorry I forgot these ones. I have some more 'weird'
ones which I posted before if you want those and am in the process of collating
more. Keep watching.
It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
It won't work.
It works better if you plug it in.
It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
It's clever, but is it art?
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
It's six o'clock and time for the penguin on top of your terminal to explode.
It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was human nature.
Jim, it's Jack, I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay you the
f
Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel Martin
jus
Jim? It's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account. You
don'
Jim? It's Maria over at the laundromat. There's a yellow dress in with your
t
Jim? This is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and I've
Jimmy Hoffa--please call home.
Just to have it is enough.
Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o'Sunday.
Kisses are a better fate than wisdom.
Kix are for trids.
Klaatu barada nikto.
Knowledge is power.
Knowledge without common sense is folly.
kwd DOES NOT mean kwic write and destroy!
Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.
Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
Lead on, MacDuff!
Learn to pause--or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous.
Leave no stone unturned.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let me take you a buttonhole lower.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.
Life is like an onion--you peel off layer after layer, and find nothing in it.
Life is one long struggle in the dark.
Life is that brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.
Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
Live in the past and future only.
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
ll and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
Lonely is a man without love.
Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
Look after the molehills and the mountains will take care of themselves.
Look ere ye leap.
Look under the sofa cushion; you will be surprised at what you find.
Look, Muth tracks!
Look, sir, 'droids!
Lord, what fools these mortals be!
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
Love is sentimental measles.
Love the sea? I dote upon it--from the beach.
Love thy neighbor. Tune thy piano.
Machines should work; people should think.
Make a wish, it might come true.
Make three consecutive correct guesses and you will be considered an expert.
Make your own fortune, you think I'm made of money or something?
Man and wife make one fool.
Man is by nature a political animal.
Man who bites bread or eats peas with knife is lost creature.
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
Man will never fly. Space travel is merely a dream. All aspirin is alike.
Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
Many a family tree needs trimming.
Many a yo-yo think he have the world on a string.
Many are called, but few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing.
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
Many hands make light work.
Many pages make a crowded castle.
Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket bibles on very thin paper.
Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
Many receive advice, few profit by it.
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.
Mary had a little.
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
Mathematics is the language God used to write the universe.
Matrimony is the root of all evil.
Max, as a unary function, isn't very interesting.
May you live in uninteresting times.
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
Meditation is not what you think.
Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of
Cas
Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your half-breed interference.
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
Misery no longer loves company; nowadays it insists on it.
Misfortune.
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to failure.
Moderation in all things.
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
Money is the root of all evil, and everyone needs roots.
Money is the root of all wealth.
Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.
Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously.
Most of us have been at work for several hours now.
Most people are unenthusiastic about their work.
Mr. Rockford? Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your renewal
b
Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from the
Mr. Rockford? This is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
Etique
Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could you call me
Mum's the word.
Mumble.
Murphy was an optimist.
Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
Must I hold a candle to my shames?
My brain hurts!
My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
My dog has no nose.
My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
My foolish parents taught me to read and write.
My Karma ran over my dogma.
Nanu nanu!
Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
Necessity has no law.
Necessity is the mother of invention.
Neestiko arkoudi dhen horevee.
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
Never argue with anyone who buys ink by the gallon.
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
Never drink from your finger bowl--it contains only water.
Never eat at a place called Mom's.
Never eat in a place with sliding doors unless you're crazy about raw fish.
Never give a gun to ducks.
Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
Never play cards with a man called Doc.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Never promise more than you can perform.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid doing entirely.
Never replace a successful experiment.
Never say anything more predictive than "Watch this!"
Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
Never take a drink when you are feeling sorry for yourself.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Never throw a bird at a dragon.
Never underestimate a woman.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
Next Wednesday you will be presented with a great opportunity.
Nice guys get sick.
Nihilism doesn't exist.
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
No experiment is reproducible.
No it isn't!
No man is rich enough to buy back his past.
No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
No matter what occurs, someone believes it happened according to his pet
theory.
No one becomes depraved in a moment.
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!
No one knows what he can do till he tries.
No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
No one within an organization really knows what's going on.
No poems can please nor live long that are written by water drinkers.
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
No sentence fragments.
No sooner said than done--so acts your man of worth.
No writer's life understands that he's working when he's staring out the
window.
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
Not all who own a harp are harpers.
Nothin' ain't worth nothin', but it's free.
Nothing astonishes man so much as common sense and plain dealing.
Nothing endures but change.
Nothing ever goes away.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Nothing is but what is not.
Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example.
Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do the work.
Nothing is so firmly believed as which is least known.
Nothing succeeds like excess.
Nothing will ever happen to you.
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
Of all my relations I like sex the most.
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
Oh wearisome condition of humanity! Born under one law, to another bound.
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
Oh, Nicky, you're such a tool.
Old age is the harbour of all ills.
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Old men give good advice when they are no longer able to provide bad examples.
Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
On the way to the corner, a dropped tool will land on your foot.
Once a can of worms is opened, the only way to recan them is in a bigger can.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing.
One day you will find yourself and be quite disappointed.
One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
One good turn deserves another.
One good turn gets the whole blanket.
One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
One picture is worth a thousand words. See diagram below.
One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
One will not have needed the future perfect in one's entire life.
One's real life is often the life that one does not lead.
Only a fool has no doubts.
Only fools are quoted.
Only those with nothing to be sorry for smile back at the rear of an elephant.
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of bleeding, he
sings.
Optimist is person who thinks he can break up traffic jam by blowing horn.
Oregonians don't tan, they rust.
Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens.
ough the valley of the shadow of death.
Our swords shall play the orators for us.
Overload--core meltdown sequence initiated.
Palindrome isn't one.
Parsley is gharsley.
Patch griefs with proverbs.
Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
Pause for storage relocation.
Pay no attention to that man behind the curtains.
People smart enough to give good advice are usually smart enough to give none.
People who are grateful are usually good.
People who can least afford to pay rent pay rent.
People who can most afford to pay rent build equity.
People who live in glass houses should undress in the dark.
People who take cat naps do not usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
People with no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of
them.
Perhaps it was because Nero played the fiddle that they burned Rome.
Phasors locked on target, Captain.
Philadelphia just seems dull because it's next to exciting Camden, New Jersey.
Pipe gives wise man time to think and fool something to stick in mouth.
Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of ten
or
Plastic explosives will be appropriate later in the week.
Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.
Positive expectations yield negative results.
Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Practice yourself what you preach.
Praise the sea; on shore remain.
Preserve the old, but know the new.
Pressure is the normal force acting upon an engineer.
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
Pronounce your prepositions, damn it!
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others.
Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
Prototype designs always work.
Pssst. The root password is 'kumquat'.
Public schools are the nurseries of all vice and immorality.
Pull yourself together; things are not all that bad.
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the T.V. screen.
PURGE COMPLETE.
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
Put people on hold when possible.
Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth.
Put your genius into your life. Put only your talent into your work.
Put your trust in those who are worthy.
Quantity is no substitute for quality, but it is the only one we have.
Quit looking at fortunes and get back to work!
Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
Rank has its privileges.
Read your Amdahl Business Practices.
Reading the small print is education; not reading it is experience.
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
Reality--what a concept!
Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
Remember the Alamo.
Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
Reputation is what others are not thinking about you.
Research is to see what everyone else has, and then think what no one else has.
Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and omit it when its not needed.
Resist everything but temptation.
Rest assured that your dog is finally getting enough cheese.
Retribution will be yours.
Riches cover a multitude of woes.
Rome was not built in one day.
Rotten wood cannot be carved--Confucius (Analects, Book 5, Ch. 9)
Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
Safety is better than the wrong answer.
Salary is no object: strive only to keep body and soul apart.
Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
Satire is what closes in New Haven.
Save gas, don't eat beans.
Say the secret woid and the duck is yours.
Say the secret word and you win $100.
Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality.
Sculpture: mud pies that endure.
Sears has everything.
Second-rate people hire third-rate people.
Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come.
Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
Sell short.
english.593vkrstonosic,
ok, ok, enough of you said yes (i think it was 2) so here is the rest:
During the reign of Alexander the Great, a special dye was discovered
which, when put on a piece of cloth, would change its shade depending on
the intensity of the sun. This enabled the people to tell the time of day.
One of these dye-soaked materials was presented to the king. He wore it
proudly, tied around his head. And that is origin of Alexander's ragtime
band.
The famous Oriental detective Charlie Chan was wounded by an opponent.
Hurriedly bandaged, he was rushed to a hospital. While waiting in the
emergency ward, he peered under the bandage and was heard to mutter, "Ah
so! The clot thickens!"
The king's foot was becoming sore from booting the complaining pleasants
out of the throne room. The royal carpenter finally came to the king's
rescue when he gave him a two-by-four.
"What's that?" the king asked.
"This, Your Majesty," explained the carpenter, "is the world's first serf
board!"
The cannibal chief returned from a walk and discovered that his men had
captured a member of the British royalty. The cook was preparing their
guest for dinner.
"Why is that fruit stuck in his mouth?" the chief demanded.
"Because, sir," replied the tribal chef proudly, "tonight I am serving
duke a l'orange!"
When mites from the pigeon pen infested the backyard grass, it was little
comfort to reflect that the pen was mite-ier than the sward.
A newcomer to the penitentiary was tipped off by his cellmate that if he
made romantic advances to the warden's wife, she could get his jail term
shortened. However, he decided that it wasn't right to end his sentence
with a proposition.
At one time, there was a Sea Scout camp outside Norfolk, Va., that was so
close to the beach the porpoises used to swim into shore at dinnertime.
The camp's chef would announce the meal by yelling, "Chow time! For all in
tents -- and porpoises!"
A Babylonian general was declared a traitor for leading a revolt. He
escaped the night before he was to be executed and hid in an old Babylonian
Ziggurat, or temple, where he expected to find some of his associates. Not
finding them, he began to burn the papers they had left, and was
immediately recaptured.
The moral: WARNING -- The searchin' general has determined that smoking
ziggurats may be hazardous to your stealth.
end of article.
Now, for those who've sent me mail concerning the mentioning of Shubert's
Ninth Symphony not existing -- I know that!! I'm a pianist of almost 20
years!!1 I didn't write the stuff, I just re-typed it, errors and all.
Dangerous Dave (up to no good, again)
english.594vkrstonosic,
An old man was on his death bed and called his whole family together so that
he could bid them farewell and make his peace with the world. After he said
what he wanted to each in turn and he knew he was comming very close to death
he called for all to gather together.
"I have one thing I would like to confess before I go", he said. They all drew
closer. "It was me, cough, wheeze, "I was the one.", he said as they leaned
down as close as they could to hear what he could barely get out in a whisper.
Gasp, cough, "I was the one", cough, wheeze, "in the kitchen with Dinah."
english.595vkrstonosic,
This is a song i heard on the radio once, years ago, and memorised instantly.
Unfortunatley, the dj faded it out right at the very end, so i dunno the
last line or so.
Its a take-off of all those horribly jolly songs sung with upper-class accents
during WWII - like "Even when the darkest clouds are in the sky.." "pack up
your
troubles..." and that sort of thing.
I thought I could do no harm in posting it - after all, there is a war on!
Well I thought it was quite funny anyway...
(sing with Noel Coward accent - or upper-class english - same thing)
(all the place names mentioned are in Britain - except the one that's in
Ireland :-) )
=============
Bad Time's Just Around The Corner
=================================
They're out of sorts in Sunderland,
And terribly cross in Kent.
They're dull in Hull, and the Isle of Mull,
Is seething with discontent.
They're nervous in Northumberland,
And Devon is down the drain,
They're filled with wrath on the Firth of Forth,
And sullen in Salisbury Plain.
In Dublin they're depressed lads,
Maybe because they're Celts.
Pordrake is going west lads,
And Stowe is everywhere else.
Hooray!! Hooray!! Hooray!!
Misery's on the way!!
There are bad times just around the corner,
There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky,
And its no good whining, about a silver lining,
'Cause we know from experience that they won't roll by.
With a scowl and a frown, we'll keep our peckers down,
And prepare for depression and gloom and dread,
We're going to unpack our troubles from our old kit bags,
and.... [sorry i know no more!]
english.596vkrstonosic,
A man was weeping and wailing over a grave.
"Why did you die! Why did you die? Oh Why did you die!"
Another man came up to him and said,
"Sir, you've been here for over three hours, he must have been a very good
friend."
The mourner replied.
"Nope, never met him, Why did you die"
The man asked.
"Then who was he?"
The mourner replied
"My wife's first husband!"
Pam
english.597vkrstonosic,
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
2 : 1 to unscrew the bulb and
1 to write a book about how the bulb is exploiting the socket.
How many blue-collar workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
17: 1 to screw the bulb and
16 to watch at double overtime pay
How many Brits does it take take to screw in a light bulb?
3 : 1 to call the electrician
1 to survey the work and
1 to pour the brandy
What does an arts student get for screwing in a lightbulb?
A degree from Concordia.
What do you tell a Concordia grad?
I'd like 2 BigMacs, a fry, and a medium coke, easy on the ice.
How does a McGill student screw in a lightbulb?
He just holds it in the socket as the whole world revolves around him.
How many University of Florida Football players does it take to screw
in a light bulb??
A1: "Dah what be a light bulb??"
A2: Only one, but he only gets three credit hours + 1 credit hour for the
lab.
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
english.598vkrstonosic,
This is good stuff, extracted from SIA BBS humour SIG.
Lawrence
*************************
"Memo of the Month," From The Washington Monthly, January/February
1991, page 24:
"This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all
IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious.
The rest of us guys find it rather funny.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
"Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to
operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replace-
ment. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement
of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
"Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufac-
turer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off
method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive
handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball
replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
"It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer
missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these
necessary items.
"To re-order, specify one of the following:
"P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
"P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls"
english.599vkrstonosic,
Two black children, a brother and a sister, were discussing what they
should dress up to be for Halloween that night. They didn't have much
clothing to choose from, maybe a few of mom & dad's things that were
way oversize. Jerome finally came up with the idea that they should go
NAKED!!??!! So they did. As they walked up to the first house, they
could here the other children laughing at them, but they were bold.
They knocked on the door and the neighbor was in shock and couldn't
believe that a parent would let their children out of the house BUTT-
NAKED. So the neighbor asked the children "And what are you two supposed
to be??" Jerome replied "We be Hershey bars, I the one wit nuts an'
she be the one wit'out!!!"
english.600vkrstonosic,
This morning I heard the funniest thing on the radio. The caller said
that his friends had gone down to the Bahamas and had their room robbed.
The thieves left the camera, though. When they got the pictures
developed, in between all of their sightseeing shots was a close-up
picture of a big butt with their toothbrushes sandwiched in it.
Whether that's a true story or not, I wouldn't venture to say, but
some other caller said this happened to a friend of her (lawyer's?)
in Europe.
english.601vkrstonosic,
This is a VISUAL joke, but I'm going to give it a try because it's a great
joke, and you can have fun trying it out (the joke, that is) on your
"visible friends".
A Polock wanted really badly for his wife to go down on him. He kept
pleading with her. Finally she conceded, but she was nervous because she was
not sure how to please him. He said, "Don't worry; take this catsup bottle and
practice on it for a while until you get the hang of it."
A few days later, his wife tells him that she thinks she is ready. He is
ecstatic. They disrobe, get into bed, and she takes his dick in her hands and
goes (vigorous hand motion of trying to shake catsup out of the bottle).
english.602vkrstonosic,
Q. Why do the animals leave the jungle between 3 and 4?
A. Because that's when the elephants jump out of trees.
Q. Why are alligators long and flat?
A. Because they go into the jungle between 3 and 4.
Q. Why do ducks have flat feet?
A. Stamping out forest fires.
Q. Why do elephants have flat feet?
A. Stamping out flaming ducks.