english.106dejanr,
[Note: OPSEC is short for "Operations Security", i.e. ensuring a potential
enemy cannot guess what you're about to do]
From "The OPSEC Indicator", Fall 1991:
---------------------------------------------------------
PIZZA INTELLIGENCE: AN UPDATE
Earlier this year we reported that Domino's Pizza claims it can predict
when the government is about to undertake some sort of major activity based
upon the increase in pizza deliveries to the Pentagon and the White House.
Pizza orders increased substantially just prior to troop deployments to
Grenada, Panama, and the Middle East.
According to The Washington Times of August 21, 1991, during the early
hours of the abortive Kremlin coup in August, Domino's "Pizza Meter"
registered 102 deliveries to the Pentagon, breaking the Gulf War record by
one; the White House ordered 52 pizzas, breaking its Gulf War record by
seven.
The CIA, by contrast, learned its OPSEC lesson: There were only two
orders, and they were quickly cancelled.
--------------------------------------------------------
Ron Wanttaja
prang@ssc-bee
english.107dejanr,
Demonstration Against the Verdict
of the Rodney King Trial
Saturday-Sunday, downtown San Jose
Join us this weekend to protest the verdict handed down at the Rodney King
trial. Demonstrate in your own community, in the heart of Silicon Valley.
We will start at the entrance of City Hall, and proceed down Main Street,
until we reach the 7-11 where my brother Bill works. We'll loot the store
while clubbing Bill to death. Then we will proceed to my appartment building
and set it on fire. Finally you'll get to see me batter my wife and abuse my
children. Bring a baseball bat and molotov cocktails if you wish to
participate.
This ought to teach the police not to victimize innocent people.
english.108dejanr,
There was once a chinese emperor who had very refined tastebuds
and would eat only the finest of foods. He employed many people
whose jobs involved just travelling the length and breadth of the
land to find food of the highest quality for their emperor. It
was unfortunate for them, however, that the emperor had peculiar
cravings. One day the emperor called in his staff and said, "Well,
today I want to eat a one hundred year old egg. This egg must be
exactly one hundred years old." Well imagine the commotion in the
palace! His staff jumped on their horses and travelled all over,
trying to find an egg which was exactly one hundred years old.
They looked and looked, and finally returned to the palace and
approached the emperor. "Well", said the emperor, "did you find
my egg?" One of his servents stepped forward and addressed his
majesty. "No sir", he said, "we did not find an egg that was exactly
one hundred years old. But we do have one here which is about fifty
years old." The emperor replied, "No Way! You know I hate fast food!"
english.109dejanr,
Heard on the radio this morning (2MMM, Sydney), joke faxed
in by listener:
What do you call an underground hill?
Benny!
english.110dejanr,
Jimmy had a problem. Jimmy sucked his thumb all the time, and his mother
had tried everything to try to make him stop. She was talking to a friend
of her's who said that she stopped her daughter from sucking her thumb by
telling her that if she did, a big wart would grow in her stomach and grow
so big it would kill her. Jimmy's mother thought this an effective method,
and tried it on Jimmy the next day. As she relayed this to her son, his
eyes grew wide, and he immediately stopped sucking his thumb, cold turkey.
A week or so later, Jimmy and his mother were on the bus trying to find a
seat. They made there way to the back of the bus where a 9 month pregnant
lady sat. Upon seeing this, Jimmy pointed at the woman and blurted out:
I know what you've been doing!
english.111dejanr,
An airline pilot told me this ...
He was flying some non-english speaking business men
on a private plane when one of them indicated that
he needed to pee. The pilot explaned that the
bathroom was behind the curtain and where there
was a funnel to pee into. When done, one should pull
the handle to flush.
A few minutes later the same fellow was back up front
with his pants down around his knees, his tie blown
over his shoulder, and a white stripe going up the
front of his body. And in his hand was ... the fire
extinquisher.
english.112dejanr,
The following appeared in one of our national newspapers but
I originally had the idea (Scout's Honour) when I first heard about
the institute's decision to change its name.
Background info: Until last year polytechnics could not award their
own degrees. However the rules have been changed and now polytechs
can call themselves universities.
Story: Newcastle Polytechnic wanted to upgrade their name to
university but could not call themselves University of Newcastle
upon Tyne as this already exists (where this author is studying).
Therefore, they decided to insert City into the title and become
City University of Newcastle upon Tyne until somebody pointed out
the abbreviation.
BTW The abbrev. for Newcastle Unversity is often U.N'cle.
english.113dejanr,
This is original.
_______________________________
Test yourself:
1) How busy have you been today?
a> Not at all busy; in fact, I just spent three hours reading USENET.
b> Somewhat busy, but I still had about three hours free for
reading USENET.
c> Never been so busy in my life! Why, I barely had three hours to
spare for reading USENET!
2) Which of the following sentences most closely resembles your day?
a> Wake up, go to ,work/school, crank up the computer/terminal and
read USENET, go to meetings/classes, go home, log-in, go to sleep.
b> Wake up, make a pot of coffee, crank up the computer/terminal
and start reading USENET in the den/basement/bedroom, watch
TV, go to sleep.
c> Read USENET, don't sleep.
3) Which sentence best summarizes your actions when you see the
following message on your terminal?
******** End of newsgroups--what next? [npq]
a> Press "n" frantically, looking for any newsgroups you may have
skipped over, while fighting off a plummeting sensation in the
pit of the stomach.
b> Subscribe to more newsgroups, while fighting off the growing
sense of emptiness in your life.
c> Crosspost your opinions on horticulture to five newsgroups and
send a copy to rec.humor.funny, while fighting off a chilling
sense of unease.
Scoring:
Score any number of points for any question circled.
<0 At least you have a means for channeling your anti-social urges.
0 Close to well-adjusted, but be careful!
>0 Cheer up while considering for a moment what you would have to do
if there was no USENET.
english.114dejanr,
[Something to this effect seen in alt.urban.legends]
Urban Legend: Pregnant women caught in elevators during power outages
always go into labor for some reason; could be stress, could be just
the quiet dark setting, could be something else. The birth rate
jumped in a city when the power went out for a day, "elevator babies"
being born all over the city.
Ever since then, whenever the power goes out in buildings, a workman
always opens the hatch on the top of the elevator and asks "Are there
any pregnant women in there?" To which the standard reply is:
"No; we've only been stuck in here half an hour."
english.115dejanr,
Attributted to a California Supreme Court Judge:
If the L.A. police had taken any longer to respond
to the riots you would find their pictures on milk
cartons, as missing and presumed lost.
english.116dejanr,
My friend Mike hass this egg timer thingy with some colored plastic
beads in water with clear glass beads in it too. When you flip
it over the color beads sink to the bottom but because of the glass
they swirl around first and look cool. Ideally you shouldn't be
able to see the glass but you kind of can.
Mike and Richard figured that if they used a chemical closer to the
refractive index of glass than water is, then it would be harder to see
the beads and it would look cooler. So in the CRC they found this chem,
carbon disulfide, which seemed like it would work so Richard went to a
chem store and ordered it - the store didn't keep it in. When he picked
it up the guy made some elaborate preparations with it putting it in
two different safety wraps so Richard asked what the scoop was. The
guy said, "Yeah, it's kind of dangerous. I mean, we don't keep it in the
store."
"How dangerous?" Richard asked.
He looked in this guide to hazardous materials that the guy showed him
and he found that there was a 10 page entry for this stuff which included:
exposure to the chemical can cause sterility, impotence, damage to the
peripheral and central nervous systems (leaving no nervous system
untouched), its flamable and explosive, etc. A little unnerved he asked
whether he could return it when he was done with it and the guy looked
at him like he was crazy and said of course not.
He took it home and explaned the situation to Mike and they both left
it unopened on the kitchen table for a while wondering what to do with it.
At work Richard had a chem friend who said he'd take it off his hands for
him so without telling Mike he brought it into work and gave this chem
guy the bottle but kept the box. Later that day he went home and put a
glass of water in the box with a heavy piece of metal on top of it which
would fall and break the glass if it was nudged. All this was in the box
though, so it couldn't be seen. He then also sliced off a small corner of
the box so that liquid could come out but the cut was hardly noticable.
The night at dinner Richard "accidently" knocked the box over onto the floor
where it obviously broke and liquid started leaking. Mike freaked out, jumped
up and ran to open the door - which was locked - so he ran to his room to
get the keys and noticed that Richard hadn't moved but was still sitting
there shaking slightly (suppressing laughter but Mike didn't know this.)
So Mike wigged out again thinking that Richard was really being affected
but by this time Richard couldn't hold it in anymore and burst out laughing
and had to explain the whole thing to Mike...
I love this one.
english.117dejanr,
Q. What's black and white and orange all over?
A. A newspaper, the day after the verdict handed down at the trial of four
Los Angeles police officers.
english.118dejanr,
Call for discussion for creating a newsgroup "talk.gullible".
Charter of group:
The establishment of links with fellow sufferers, and the re-establishment
of belief in oneself, are the primary aims of this group. The exchange of
methods for minimising the effect of this disability, and of well known
remedies, is another aim. This group is specifically not concerned with the
causes of gullibility ; analysis of the condition or of postings is not
encouraged.
Voting:
Voting will be in a two week period from the 18th to 31st of May. During
this period, please email your votes to nixon-vote@uvb.een.hadnet, with a
subject line containing either "yes" or "no". Any duplicate or amibiguous
votes, or votes received outside this period, will be discarded.
english.119dejanr,
It's the first session of the Ukranian parliament
and Kravchuk is presiding. He's a little nervous
because of all the Western press and he wants to make
a good impression:
He thinks: "Who shall I get to give the opening speech?"
He looks across the room: "No, not Kalinev from the
Nationalist Party. He'll say that we should hang all
the Westerners."
He looks to the other side: "Hm. I better not call on
Korlenko from the Slavic Union Party. He'll say that
we should drown all the Jews."
He looks way in the back: "Ah. I'll call on Orlovsky
from the Green Party."
Orlovsky gets to the front of the room:
"Fellow countrymen and representatives of the Western
press, I'd like to talk to you today about the environmental
crisis that is upon us. The years of Soviet control have
left us with a devastated countryside. Our forests have
been destroyed; our rivers are polluted. This is catastrophe
for our new nation, for if our forests are destroyed, where
shall we hang the Westerners? If our rivers are polluted,
where shall we drown the Jews?..."
(Origin: somewhere in the Commonwealth of Independent States.
Told by Neil Carrick, my housemate recently returned.)
english.120dejanr,
I got this piece of paper from a homeless person, for a quarter. One
side is a picture of Mount Pinatubo, with random headlines strewed
about. The other side is reproduced verbatim below. It starts slow,
but gets better...
PS: Berkeley is a lot more interesting than most places in the Bay Area.--
The Earth is the third of nine planets in the solar system.
Because the sun is so large we can never see all nine planets
at any one time. The maximum number is seven and the event
occurs only at 59,000 year intervals and is known as an
astrological age.
When the moon passes over the ocean there is a bulge caused
by the effects of gravity and we see this as the tides. In a
like manner, when seven planets are on an alignment from behind
the sun they cause effects upon one another.
On Earth the molten core is bulged and the crust is breached.
This action releases large amounts of oxygen destroying heat
into the atmosphere in the form of volcanos.
Dinosaurs lived millions of years ago at a time when the planet
was oxygen rich. This is visible when you notice how high their
nostrils were above the ground level, 30 to 40 feet.
As the solar system has aged our oxygen has been depleted and
now the average height of the oxygen breathing creatures is
below seven feet. There is so little oxygen that the largest
of the two types of oxygen breathers are right at the surface
level. The elephants trunk and the breathing hole of the whale
are surface level where most of the oxygen is found.
If homo sapiens are eternal then certain prerequisites must be
met and one of these is oxygen, in order to survive we must have
oxygen. Because of volcanos the planet is irreversibly running
out of oxygen and to be Eternal humans must find a solar system
with a planet that has a atmosphere with enough oxygen for us
to survive for even a short amount of time.
The fuel formulas for lifting humans and our gear stands at
1,800,000 pounds per minute and at 5 minutes and 5 billion
people we do not have the fuel to lift everybody today.
If the world community were to embrace the single child family
concept the population number would begin to drop by one half,
eventually the number would drop to a low number that there
would be enough fuel for one and all. EVERYBODY!
english.121dejanr,
This story was told by Angus McEwan to begin a presentation.
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away)
suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and
under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched
as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the
table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled,
apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the
table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband
just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He
just walked in the door."
english.122dejanr,
From Johnny Carson:
"President Bush looked out the window of his limousine and
commented sadly, "Such devastation and destruction. How
could they riot in their own communities?"
Upon hearing this, an adviser turned and said, "Uhhh, Mr.
President, we haven't even reached the airport yet. This
is still Washington."
english.123dejanr,
Q: What's brown and sticky ?
A: A stick.
english.124dejanr,
After spending a few 24-hour sessions with my new '386 box, I have
come to realize the basic difference between a Hacker and a User:
A User buys a faster computer so he can spend _less_ time with it.
english.125dejanr,
"Arizona is banking on a new slogan to lure millions of visitors and
their dollars to the state.
"It's 'Arizona--One Grand Adventure After Another.'"
"The slogan, picked from more than 20,000 entries, in a contest sponsored
by the Arizona Office of Tourism, was announced Wednesday."
[it goes on, but here are some of the losers:]
"Arizona--Bring your camera and your Grandma
Arizona--Come on vacation, Leave on probation
Arizona--A Yucca Minute
Arizona--You Never Have to Shovel Sunshine
Arizona--Where you can Have a Dirt Lawn and it's OK
Arizona--Come see it, Pilgrim
Arizona has the hots for you
Arizona--The Happy Jumping Cholla State
Get your AZ over here
Hug a zonie
Arizona--The Zippy Zone
Arizone--It will Thaw Your Chilis
Arizona--Sunny with Scattered Flowers
Arizona--Better than the State You're In
Arizona--It's not Kansas and it Never was"
The winner won a free houseboat vacation on Lake Powell, most of which is
in Utah.
english.126dejanr,
Just a thought:
'Sex is like software: For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds
getting it free.'
english.127dejanr,
This is an original quote from Dr. Hiroshi Sagahura (sp?) a genetic
researcher in Oregon and current Japanese citizen. It was passed along by
a friend who works with him.
The American people shouldn't be so offended when the Japanese say they
have a bad work ethic. During World War II, many Japanese pilots decided
it was too much work to fly home and thus never even tried returning to
Japan.
english.128dejanr,
On "New Explorers" on PBS, 2/18/92:
According to a brain surgeon who does "hemispherectomies" to treat
severe seizures:
I had one little girl as a patient who told knock-knock jokes;
we removed her left brain and she still told knock-knock jokes.
I had another little girl as a patient who told knock-knock jokes;
we removed her right brain and she still told knock-knock jokes.
So I have to conclude that knock-knock jokes aren't in the brain.
english.129dejanr,
A TV commentator at the Olympics skating competition commented that "the
death spiral was always a Russian specialty".
Not always. Just for the last 600 years.
english.130dejanr,
The following was sent to me by Dr.Adrian Melott, Associate Professor of
Physics and Astronomy here at the University of Kansas:
THE BURNING QUESTION OF HEAVY BOOTS
I put two multiple choice questions on my Physics 111 test, after the study of
elementary mechanics and gravity:
13. If you are standing on the Moon, and holding a rock, and you let it
go, it will:
(a) float away
(b) float where it is
(c) move sideways
(d) fall to the ground
(e) none of the above
25. When the Apollo astronauts wre on the Moon, they did not fall off because:
(a) the Earth's gravity extends to the Moon
(b) the Moon has gravity
(c) they wore heavy boots
(d) they had safety ropes
(e) they had spiked shoes
The response showed some interesting patterns! The first question
was generally of average difficulty, compared with the rest of the test:
57% got it right. The second question was easier: 73% got it right.
So, we need more research to explain the people who got #25 right
but did not get #13 right!
The second interesting point is that these questions proved to be
excellent discriminators: that is, success on these two questions proved to
be an extremely good predictor of overall success on the test.
On the first question, 92% of those in the upper quarter of the test
score got it right; only 20% of those in the bottom quarter did. They
generally
chose answers (a) or (b). On the second question, 97% in the upper quarter
got it right and 33% in the lower quarter did. The big popular choice of
this group was (c)...33% chose heavy boots, followed closely by safety ropes
at 27%.
A telling comment on the issue of fairness in teaching elementary
physics: Two students asked if I was going to continue asking them about
things they had never studied in the class.
Adrian Melott
english.131dejanr,
This one sprung willy-nilly from the depths of my mind:
Inspired by a recent article about a college professor who asserted that
there was no gravity on the moon, and that the astronauts were able to
walk on the surface because of "heavy boots", I was pleased recently to
hear about all the space walks accomplished during the current shuttle
mission. One lasted for more than 8 hours, and I couldn't help thinking
of how lucky they were to have such good weather the entire time...
english.132dejanr,
These two stories appeared in succession on the A(Australian)BC-FM radio
news this morning:
.. problems continue in the South African black townships. Four people
were killed in violent clashes yesterday. A black spokesman said - this
situation is a tragedy for our people; we get no help from the government;
blacks are dying and all the whites can do is talk about cricket.
<very brief pause>
last night at the Sydney Cricket Ground, the South African cricket team
defeated Australia in the day-night match .....
english.133dejanr,
This top ten list is taken from the latest engineering t-shirt
that is being offered here at Ohio University. The author is probably a
collective group of students.
Top Ten Reasons To Date An Engineer
1. Extremely Good Looking
2. High Starting Salary
3. Free Body Diagrams
4. Looks Good On A Resume'
5. Can Calculate Head Pressure
6. Help With Your Math Homework
7. Parents Will Approve
8. We Know How To Handle Stress
And Strain In Our Relationships
9. Find Out What Those Other
Buttons On Your Calculator Do
10. The World Does Revolve Around Us...
We Pick The Coordinate System
english.134dejanr,
This is a true story.
On October 13, 1944, the Durham (North Carolina) _Sun_ reported
that a citizen was brought up in traffic court for parking his car
on a restricted street right in front of a sign that read "No Stoping".
The defendant plead "not guilty". "Your Honor, I have not violated
the law. The sign prohibited stoping, and I have not stoped. Webster's
dictionary tells me that stoping means extracting ore from a stope, or,
loosely, underground. Your Honor, I am a law-abiding citizen, and I
didn't extract any ore from the area of the sign."
Judge Wilson responded, "This is Friday the 13th and anything can
happen. Case dismissed."
english.135dejanr,
From the back of a locally-brewed T-shirt:
Top Ten Subtle Differences
Between CMU and Hell
__________________________
10. It doesn't rain in Hell.
9. Everyone has heard of Hell.
8. It's more fun getting into Hell.
7. You can't fail out of Hell.
6. At least you can sleep in Hell.
5. Hell is forever, CMU just seems like it.
4. People smile in Hell.
3. You only have to sell your soul to get into Hell.
2. You know there are hot women in Hell.
And the #1 subtle difference between CMU and Hell...
1. You wouldn't tell a friend to go to CMU.
english.136dejanr,
Q: What do the LAPD and PeeWee Herman have in common?
A: They both get off in public.
english.137dejanr,
Seen on Pavlov's door:
Knock.
Don't ring bell.
english.138dejanr,
Since everyone seems to love "Top 10" lists, Here is a Top 20 list of
quotes from the Olympic Games:
Honorable Mention:
Todd Eldridge for shooting himself in the head after falling down
during his performance on a simple manuver.
From the Home Office in Metuchen, N.J., The Top 20 Quotes heard at the
Olympic Games:
20. "Max, Get your ass down Here!" - Kerri Lee Gartner, after placing
First in the Women's Downhill
19. "I'm Going to Disneyland!" - Kristi Yamaguchi, after winning the Gold
18. "I do a serious job, and the bosses know they can rely on me for
frozen pucks." - Jean Julien, Official Puck Freezer of the Olympics
17. "I Won't Be Happy Till I Take it All!" - Herscel Walker
16. "I'm a Sexy Kinky Tom Boy..." - sung by Cathy Turner
15. "They're going to have to call it Albertoville." - Alberto Tomba
14. "I'm Sorry. I have failed you." - Midori Ito (to Japan)
13. "Don't Cry Midori, There's always Tomorrow." - The Jaspanese Press
12. "You Have to Be Brave." - John Anduit, Target Changer for the Biathalon
11. "Where Are You Tomba?" - Katarina Witt
10. "I came, I saw, they kicked my Butt,,," - Chris Bowman
9. "I ate some bad fish." - Eric Flame, U.S. Speed Skater
8. "This is not what the olympics are about." - The Anal-retentive
Brittish IOC Spokesman in reference to Eddy 'The Eagle' Edwards
7. "I'll see you at Lillehammer in '94!" - Eddy 'The Eagle' Edwards
6. Ooooh! - Scott Hamilton & Verne Lundquist, Figure Skating Reporters
5. "Somebody Took My Glasses." - Faissel Cherrati, Morroco X-C Skier.
4. "Nancy is a very special friend of mine." Paul Wylie, immediately
after the exhibition performace with Nancy Kerrigan.
3. "YOU'RE DEAD, PAUL!!!!!" - Paul Wylie's soon-to-be ex-girlfriend at
Harvard, immediately after the exhibition performace of Paul & Nancy.
2. "Get me the ____ out of There!!!!! I can't ____ Take it
anymore!!!!!!!" - Team USA Goalie Ray LeBlanc after facing 26 shots in
the first period against Tchzeckoslovakia.
And the Number 1 quote from the 1992 Olympic Winter Games at
Alberto... er... Albertville, France is............
1. "There's More to life than this." - Dan Jansen, Olympic Speed
saketr for US after his 2 failed 'runs for the Gold'.
english.139dejanr,
Based on ther message on how to deal with stockbrokers who try to sell you
their garbage by calling you right before lunch break, here is a similar
story based on one very boring afternoon at home with a Long-Distance
Company <this was done just after AT&T Broke up, some names have been altered
due to poor memory>.
RING RING RING
Me: Hello?
SM: Hello, I am Gern Blanston representing the Flint Long Distance company. How
Me: <bemused> Fine.
SM: May I ask you what type of long distance company you are using?
Me: <now witha devilish grin> Duuuh... I duuno....
SM: You don't know? Well how would you like to be hooked up with the best
sattelite phone network of the 80's? We use-
Me: Duh, sure. Can I call my freind from, uh, far away?
SM: Er, yes. Our long distance service uses the best-
Me: <trying to keep from giggling> He lives in Pango Pango...
SM: Yes, I see. Well you can call your fried overseas at a rate you'll-
Me: He has a lizard you know.... his name is Ralph.
SM: I see, well you can-
Me: Ralph the lizard. He is green and sits in a tree.
SM: Well-
Me: A palm tree... with lots of, uh... leaves.
SM: <haggardly> Well, you will save money by using our new optical-
Me: Save money? Really?
SM: Of course! And if you-
Me: Well, how much is it per yard?
SM: Pardon me? <really threw him there>
Me: How much is it per yard. Pango Pango is pretty far away from here...
SM: Well, I never really thought about it that way, but I can assure you-
Me: Will you have to drill a hole in my roof?
SM: Ah, no. You see, it works like this-
Me: 'Cause my friend Tom got one of them black dishes that you put on your
roof... and then he fell off and hurt himself real bad...
SM: Well, me don't actually come to your house-
Me: Crushed his wife's poodle. Flattened him right out, he did...
SM: If you could give me a minute to explain the proceess-
Me: Did I tell you I had a friend in Pango Pango?
I kept doing this act for about 20 minutes before the guy just finnaly gave me
his number to call him back. That salesman hung on like a pit bull! I guess
he must have thought I was so stupid, he would eventually sell me something.
english.140dejanr,
This executive was interviewing a nervous young women for a
position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her
personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with
someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The girl quickly
responded, "The living one."
english.141dejanr,
Philippe Deane Gigantes (holder of the world record for the longest
filibuster) is a Senator from Quebec who has a habit of grating
against the (Tory) government.
The following is a short speech he made in the Senate on Wed., 12 Feb. 1992.
Hon. Senator Gigantes: Honourable senators, I would like to take this
occasion to speak about an obvious case of shortsightedness and
improvidence in the financial field by the Tories. We used to have
cheese served in the Senate Reading Room. They have stopped that
now. I used to eat some of that cheese. Any of the distinguished
physicians who serve in this house will tell you that a man my age who
eats animal fats is likely to die sooner.
Senator Doody: Bring back the cheese!
Senator Gigantes: Exactly. Therefore, the savings for the
government on the pension they would not have to pay for those years
that I would lose by dieing earlier through eating cheese will not be
made. That saving would certainly be superior to the cost of the
cheese. This is another example of Tory shortsightedness.
english.142dejanr,
Friend Jacqui, a first-year medical student, and I were talking one evening
when she glanced at her watch and said, "Oops! I have to go -- I've got a
date with this dead guy."
"Don't tell me," I replied. "You met in anatomy class, right?"
"Yeah. It was interesting at first, but he's such a drag. He's always
falling apart, and I can't get him to pull himself together. He won't talk.
And," she added, wrinkling her nose, "he smells."
"Ah." I nodded wisely. "The strong, silent type."
english.143dejanr,
Matt Groening had some T-SHirts for the LA Riot in his column Life in Hell.
The better ones included:
My other car is on Fire.
Thank you for not killing me.
My parents benefited from a 60's style welfare program
and all i got was this lousy T Shirt.
I used to love LA.
english.144dejanr,
Why won't Bill Clinton ever die in the gas chamber?
Because he doesn't inhale.
english.145dejanr,
While Dow is now getting out of the business of silcone breast implants,
other companies are moving into the area. In fact, I heard today that there
is a new company in California that offers breast implants in under an
hour. They're calling the company "Jiffy Boob."
english.146dejanr,
********************* WHAT'S IN A NAME ***********************
- BUSH: READ MY LIPS
@ Ruled by Mishaps
- PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH
@ SOS: Big Huge Pretender
@ Big Spender Got us Here
- BORIS YELTSIN
@ I Resist Nobly
@ Is Berlins Toy
@ Riot Sensibly
- SADDAM HUSSEIN
@ Smash Saudi Den
@ USA Hid Madness
- PRESIDENT HUSSEIN
@ His Inept Rudness
- THEODORE BUNDY
@ to her nude body
- ARAB/ISREALI CONFLICT
@ A Tribal Relic of Cain
- HOSNI MUBARAK
@ OK, Ambush Iran
- SHIEK JABER AL-AHMED AL-SABA (emir of Kuwait)
@ Aha! A Bad, Hellish James Baker
- VICE PRESIDENT
@ Isn't Percieved
- BERKELY, CALIFORNIA
@ Fear icky neoliberal
- GENERAL MOTORS
@ Largest No More
- PRESIDENT FIDEL CASTRO
@ Cast friendlier despot
- STATEN ISLAND
@ Nastiest Land
english.147dejanr,
Dear Brad: this *is* a true story. it happened to me this evening.
(2/24/92)
Intro: I have been lifting weights semi-regularly for the past month.
With this in mind . . .
Phone rings:
ME: Hello? (of course)
PARTY: Hello, Shannon? This is Lisa. I was told you do personal
training.
Me: Uh, no...
Lisa: Oh, I'm so embarassed. You sure you don't do personal training?
Me: Yes . . .(getting slightly confused, and somewhat irritated)
Lisa: Do you want to?
Me: No, I don't really have time. And I don't really know enough
about it.
Lisa: Well, a lady at the gym told me you did training. I guess it
was another Shannon Wells. Oh, I'm so embarassed.
Me (thinking, "no big deal, lady, geez!"):
What gym? Johnson Center?
(the university gym, ie, the only one I go to)
Lisa: No. You SURE you don't want to do any training? I have a dog
collar to wear and everything!
Me: (What the hell . . ?) No, I don't -
Lisa: Oh, I'm sorry . . . (sigh, whines) I'm so horny . . .
Me: (firmly) good *bye*. . . click.
english.148dejanr,
In what must be one of the better puns to come out of the US Presidential
race so far, the cover of the latest Time Magazine features a closeup
of a certain extremely rich Texan, with the large caption
english.149dejanr,
Q: In what way do Rodney King and Bill Clinton differ?
A: One took 56 hits, and the other doesn't know how to take even one.
english.150dejanr,
This is how the system really works.
Lots of rich Democrats splash out money on advertising campaigns
and do their best to dig up dirt on each other. The one with the
silliest name (Tsongas) drops out through lack of money. Every
so often someone suggests Teddy Kennedy, just to make the other
candidates look good by comparison. Bill Clinton commits
adultery, smokes pot, kills 200 with a chain saw etc. but it's in
fashion this year so that's all right isn't it. Since everyone
else is even worse, Clinton gets nominated.
Meanwhile, George Bush is being challenged by various raving
fascists who want to know why he hasn't nuked China yet. Despite
having Dan Quayle round his neck, he brushes these challenges off
fairly easily, and even shrugs off a last-ditch attempt by
Hercule Perot. Unfortunately Nero Wolfe isn't standing, or he
would have got the nomination.
So we go into the final with Bush against Clinton. Now it gets
really dirty. Bush's mob make up various stories proving that
Clinton is (a) Black (b) Chinese (c) Mentally Ill (d) Dead (e) A
Communist and (f) Neil Kinnock. In return Clinton points out that
Bush is an incompetent wally who is unfit even to run a computing
service. Stalemate.
So the voters decide, and the winner is Abraham Lincoln who
turns out not to be dead after all, at least not in comparison
with Ronald Reagan, so everyone lives happily ever after.
english.151dejanr,
STANDARD USENET REPLY FORM
To :_________________________
From:_________________________
I have read your recent post concerning_________________________
posted to _____________________. I regret that due to severe time
constraints I am unable to respond to your posting directly. However,
I would like to advise you that I believe that your posting:
__contains an unacceptable ____logic
number of errors in: ____fact
____spelling/grammar
__is based on stereotypes of: ____race, ethnic, national origin
____gender differences
____sexual orientation / preferences
____regionalisms
____employer and/or school affiliations
____religious affiliation/non-affiliation
__violates commonly-accepted ____.signature size
net standards concerning: ____posting to world distribution subjects
not of general interest
____posting elementary technical questions
which should be resolved at local site
____limiting postings to appropriate groups
only
____editing of quoted material
____posting of copyrighted material
__is uninteresting because it ____contains hackneyed expressions
____contains outright stupidities
____is inherently self-contradictory
____reflects inadequate intellectual
development or maturity
____reiterates points made better by others
____is a gratuitous attack on an obvious
provocateur
__contains inane offers to ____SAT scores
make comparisons with other ____genital size
readers concerning: ____frequency of sexual activity
____age at first exposure to computers
____knowledge of obscure technical
information not of general interest
__reflects serious mis- ____the basic functioning of USENET
understandings concerning: ____your role in the functioning of USENET
____other's interest in what you do or don't do
____the nature of sarcasm or satire
or humor in general
english.152dejanr,
How many analyst/programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Sorry, that would only be a temporary fix and we're working
on a permanent solution.
english.153dejanr,
During the second world war a company of British
soldiers was camped in the desert. Unfortunately, one day
their cook was killed in an accident. So they drew straws to
select a new cook and the job fell to a young private. Now
being company cook was a dreadful job, but it wasn't working
out in the cook-tent in the blazing sun cooking up greesy
slop that bothered our young private - it was the constant
complaints. Nothing saticfied the men, and finally the
private could stand it no longer. "Listen," he said "the
next person who complains about my cooking, gets the job!"
Then he went out into the desert and gathered up a big bag
of fresh cammel shit, took it back to the tent, and cooked
it up as meat-balls for breakfast next morning. Well, come
breakfast the men all sat in silence looked at the mess on
their plates. Then finally a man rose to his feet and said
"Private! This is shit! Mind you, it's very nicely cooked."
english.154dejanr,
THE LOS ANGELES TIMES April 29, 1995
Three years after their acquittal on 10 of 11 criminal charges stemming
from the brutal beating of motorist Rodney King, four Los Angeles police
officers were convicted yesterday on five counts of violating King's civil
rights. The men will be sentenced tomorrow and face up to thirty years in
prison. Immediately after the verdict was announced, overjoyed celebrants
took to the streets, smashing windows, looting stores, and beating passers-by.
english.155dejanr,
From comedian Richard Lewis:
"I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat
my M & M's one by one with a glass of water."
english.156dejanr,
Okay, here's another one courtesy of soon-to-be jokemeister Mark Bell.
He claims it is of Spanish origin, but I wouldn't trust a bespectacled
Australian.
A man's house is broken into one night, and his TV and VCR are stolen.
However, the next week, the thief is miraculously caught by the police,
and the stolen goods recovered. Testament, no doubt, to the efficiency
of the Spanish police force.
So the man who was robbed strolls down to the police station and demands
to speak to the thief. The police explain to him that that is not
necessary because he was caught red-handed, is sure to do time, and all
the property had already been returned to the rightful owner.
But the man was not satisfied. So the police ask him exactly WHY he
wants to talk to the thief. The man looks about sheepishly then, in
a softer voice, enunciated: "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife."
english.157dejanr,
I heard this on CBC Radio news last night...
They were talking to people who were looting a record store in L.A.
"What did you get?"
"Gospel tapes, I LOVE Jesus."
english.158ndragan,
Q: What is the capacity of elevators in Biafra?
A: 400 kg or 800 persons.
Q: How do you put a Biafran in a matchbox?
A: No way, unless you pull out at least one match out of the box.
Q: What is the difference between a Biafran and a tennis ball?
A: A few grams.
Q: How do you put 50 Jews in a VW?
A: Just leave a hundred bucks inside, they'll go in themselves.
Q: Why do the Jews have big noses?
A: The air is free.
Zapisao po sećanju onako kako sam čuo '72.
Bue_ Ndragan
english.159wizard,
-> #158, ndragan>> Zapisao po sećanju onako kako sam čuo '72.
Ti kad čuješ na engleskom i pamtiš na engleskom? :)
<<nenad<<
english.160ndragan,
-> #159, wizard/ Ti kad čuješ na engleskom i pamtiš na engleskom? :)
About exactly so - legs how (nogekako). I told you da sam bio dežurni
simulantni prevodilac.
english.161mladenp,
<<< BUEF78::DUA0:[NOTES$LIBRARY]VICEVI.NOTE;1 >>>
-< Male sale za prijatno popodne >-
===============================================================================
=
Note 88.0 Bastard Operator From Hell 1-10 No
replies
UBBG::EZONJIC 1022 lines 18-SEP-1992
01:30
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
Zdravo,
Ko ima vremena, a i zna English, neka procita cuvenog THE BASTARD
OPERATOR FROM HELL u 10 nastavaka. Kad procitate shvaticete zasto
su nasi operateri najbolji na svetu :-)))
Inace, ovo je sa Usenet-a i relativno je frisko:
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #1
I'm still bored.
But at least now the radio's off, it was on it's 12 repeat of "Wildfire" THIS
WEEK, and it's only Tuesday; shit I hate that.
So anyway, I quicklime the engineer to remove any fingerprints and then FedEx
him back to headquarters and set about waiting for the engineer.
Now the second engineer only has to come out after another 4 hours, there's no
death of engineer penalty clause, (but I'm thinking about asking for one) so
I've got to fill in some time. This guy's going to be a technical engineer,
the sort that comes in with a raggedy tie where he got it caught in the drum
printer at 3000 rpm a couple of years ago, and he'll have the grazes on the
face that indicate that he didn't get the gate open in time... I know these
sorts...
So I fill in a couple of hours by killing users off and deleting their files,
then waiting for them to call...
"Um, I can't find my files" the wimpering simp on the phone says
"Files? What files?"
"The files in my account. My thesis, my research - all gone!"
"Gone ay? What's your username?"
"TURGEN"
"TROJAN?! LIKE THE CONDOM?"
"No TURGEN. T-U-R"
"OH Turgen, like TURD, but with a GEN instead of a D... Ok lets see"
I make vague clicking noises my dragging the quicklimed man's fingers
back and forth across the keypad.
"Uh-huh" >drag drag< "Yeah.." >dragedy poke< "AH! - You haven't got any
files"
"I KNOW!"
"Well, what are you calling ME for? We don't make the files you know, we just
look after them. And chopitty-chop too, your thesis looks like it's due in a
couple of days.."
I hang up - he'll call back. Meantime I open up a copy of "VMS BASTARD
OPERATORS MANUAL FROM HELL" I'm reading the article I sent in about getting
rid of those trouble users...
"... Modify the user's password minimum from 6 to 32 letters, give
the password a 1 day lifetime, set it so that they HAVE to
use the password generate utility when they change their
password (so their password will always be something that
looks like vaguely pronouncable line-noise), add a secondary
password with the same as the above, then redefine their CLI
tables so that the only command that works is DELETE, and all
other commands point to it."
Beautiful. Shit I'm good.
He calls back.
"MY FILES ARE GONE!" he screams, panicking.
"Did you have a backup?" I ask, as sweet as pie
"But that's what you people are supposed to do!" he sobs
"Yeah, well we did - but then we switched to those 8mm tapes, and they're
the same size as the ones in my video camera, so I've been using them to
tape the neighbour's sex romps..."
I hear the revolver go off, but what the hell, it's 5pm, and not my problem...
******************************************************************************
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #2
I'm sitting at the desk, playing x-tank, when some thoughtless bastard rings
me on the phone. I pick it up.
"Hello?" I say.
"Who is this?" they say
"It's me I think" I say, having been through a telephone skills course
"Me Who?"
"Is this like a knock knock joke?" I say, trying anything to save myself
having to end this game.
Too LATE! I get killed.
Now I'm pissed!
"What can I do for you?" I ask pleasantly - (one of the key warning signs)
"Um, I want to know if we have a particular software package.."
"Which package is that?"
"Uh, B-A-S-I-C it's called."
>clickety clickety d-e-l b-a-s-i-c.e-x-e<
"Um no, we don't have that. We used to though.."
"oh. Oh well, the other thing I wanted to know was, could the contents of
my account be copied to tape to I have a permanent copy of them to save at
home in case the worst happens.."
"The worst?"
"Well, like they get deleted or something..."
"DELETED! Oh, don't worry about that, we have backups" (I'm such a *shit*)
"What was your username?"
He gives me his lusername. (What an idiot)
>clickety clikc<
"But you haven't got any files in your account!" I say, mock surprise leaping
from my vocal chords.
"Yes I have, you must be looking in the wrong place!"
So first he spoils my x-tank game, and now he's calling me a liar...
>clickety click<
"Oh no, I made a mistake" I say
Did he mutter "typical" under his breath? Oh dear, oh dear..
"I MEANT TO SAY: That username doesn't exist"
"Huh? >wimper< It must do, I was only using it this morning!"
"Ah well, that'll be the problem, there was a virus in our system this
morning, the... uh... De Vinci Virus, wipes out users who are logged in
when it goes off."
"That can't be right, my girlfriend was logged in, and I'm in her account now!"
"Which one was that?"
He tells me the username. Some people NEVER learn..
"Oh, yeah, her account was just after we discovered the virus."
>clickety clikc< "..she only lost all her files"
"But..."
"But don't worry, we've got them all on tape"
"Oh, thank goodness!!!"
"Paper tape. Have you got a magnifying glass and a pencil. SEE YOU IN THE
MACHINE ROOM!!!! NYAHAHAHAHAHA!"
I'm such a prick!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #3
So I'm working so hard I barely have time to drive into town and watch a movie
before I told people their printing will be ready. The queue's WAAAAY too
long to have everything printed (and sorted) by the time I told them, so I
kill all the small jobs so there's only 2 left and I can sort them in no time.
Then, after the movie, (which was one of those slack Bertolucci ones that takes
about 3 hours till the main character is killed off in a visionary experience)
I get back and clear the printouts.
There's about 50 people waiting outside and I've got two printouts. That's
about average for me. I thought I'd killed more tho. Anyway, I put out
the printouts and walk slooowly inside, fingering the clipboard with "ACCOUNTS
TO REMOVE" in big letters on the back. No-one says anything. As usual.
. . .
I'm sitting back in the Operations Armchair, watching the computer room
closed circuit TV, which just happens to be connected to the frame-grabber's
Video player (sent off for repair, due back sometime in '94) when the phone
rings. That must be the 2nd time today, and it's really starting to get to
me!
"Yes?" I say, pausing the picture.
"I've accidentally deleted my C.V!" the voice at the other end of the line
says.
"You have? What was your username?"
He tells me. What the hell, I AM bored.
"Ah no, you didn't delete it - I did."
"What?"
"I deleted it. It was full of shit! You didn't ever get more than a B- in
any of your subjects!"
"Huh?"
"And that crap about being a foreign exchange student, that was your girlfriend
and we both know it."
"Huh?!!"
"Your academic records. I checked them, you were lying.."
"How did y.." He clicks. "It's you isn't it? THE BASTARD OPERATOR FROM
HELL!"
"In the flesh, on the phone and in your account.... You shouldn't have called
you know. You especially shouldn't have given me your username.." >clickety<
>click< "Neither should you have sent that mail to the System Manager telling
him what you think of him in graphic terms..."
"I didn't send any.."
>clickety< >click<......
"No, you didn't did you? But who can tell these days. Not to worry though,
It'll all be over VERY soon.." >clickedy clikc< "..change my username back,
and..."
"b-b-b.." he blubs, like a stood-up date
"Goodbye now" I say pleasantly, "you've got bags to pack and a life to start
over..."
I hang up.
Two seconds later the red phone goes. I pick it up, it's the boss.
He mumbles the username of the person I was just talking to, mentions something
about a nasty mail message, and utters the words "You know what to do...", with
the dots and everything.
Later, inside the Municipal Energy Authority Computer, as I'm modifying the
poor pleb's Energy Bill by several zeros, I can't help but think about what
lapse of judgement - what act of heinous stupidity causes them to call.
Then, even later, when I'm adding the poor pleb's photo image over the top
of the FBI's online "MOST Wanted Armed and Dangerous, SHOOT ON SIGHT" offenders
list, I realise, I'll probably never know; but life goes on.
A couple of hours later, as I see the SWAT vehicle roll up outside the poor
pleb's apartment I realise that for some, it just doesn't.
But tommorrow is another day.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #4
It's a thursday, and I'm in a good mood. It's payday. I think I'll take
some calls. I put the phone back on the hook. It rings.
"I've been trying to get you for hours!" the voice at the other end screams
"Not, it can't be hours" I say, putting Blade Runner back into it's cover
and looking at the back, "it was more like 114 minutes. I was on a long phone
call with the big boss, trying to get you users some better facilities"
Hook; Line; and Sinker...
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"That's ok, I'm a tolerant person" I make a mental note to change his password
to something nasty in the next couple of days.
"Um, I need to know how to rename a file" he says.
Oh dear... Hang on, it's payday isn't it?! I'm in a good mood.
"Sure. You just go 'rm' and the filename"
"Thanks"
"No worries" (Now I'm in a REALLY good mood. I think I just might write that
script to make saving impossible on rogue at random times like I've been think-
ing about)
The phone rings again.
"Hello?"
"Hi there" I say
"Is this the Operators?"
"Yes it is" I say, nice as pie
"Could you get my printouts out please. I need them urgently, and I printed
them over 5 minutes ago"
"Your username?" I ask
He gives it to me, and I write it down for later. "No worries at all!" I say,
and head to the printers.
There's a HUUUUUUUGE pile of printouts there, and sure enough, his is at the
top of the pile. I pick it up, split it out of the rest and pour our ink-
stained cleaning alcohol all over it, run it over a couple of times with the
loaded tape trolley then slam it in the tape safe door some times as well.
Beautiful.
"Here's your printout" I say "Sorry about the delay, we've got a few printer
problems."
He takes a look and shits himself.
"Well, can I print it again?" he asks, worried
"Sure you can" I say "But no promises, the printer's a bit stuffed today"
"Well can I print it on laser - is that working?"
"Yeah of course, but that'll cost you" I say, oozing compassion for the geek
"It doesn't matter about the cost, THIS IS URGENT!"
I slide-on back into the printer room and put in the toner cartridge we save
for special occasions - the one that prints thick black lines down the middle
of the page and is all faint on one side. It took me quite a while to make it
like that too. The printout shoots through and I bring it out immediately -
I don't want to miss this!
"W-w-what's happened to my printout?" he geek-squeals at me.
Lucky I wrote that username down - I'm really starting to develop a taste for
torture.
"Well nothing. I mean sure, it's a little soiled, but that cartridge has
already done 47 thousand pages and been refilled 17 times. It's quite good
compared to some we get"
Geek pays up and starts blubbing.
"Hey now. There's no reason to cry! Have you got a disk with your work on
it?"
He gives me a box of diskettes and I step inside and run them across the bulk
eraser. I come back out again.
"Sorry, I just remembered, our machine is on the fritz, you'll have to take
these to the other side of campus to the machine there, it'll print them ok,
and it had a brand-new toner yesterday."
"GREAT!"
"No worries. Oh, and hold the disks above your head the whole way there, the
earth's magnetic field is particularly strong today."
"Huh?"
"No arguements, just do it."
He wanders off, hand held high. Shit I hate myself sometimes.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #5
I'm bored senseless, so I pass the time by reading users email. I must admit
that today's lot is PARTICULARLY boring, not one good message in all of them.
I was expecting at LEAST some veiled reference to a grope in a storeroom, but
nothing. So I'm bored senseless by the usual drivel about some relative's
surgery and how the weather is over the other side of the world - that sort
of crap.
To relieve the boredom, I remove a e-mail party invite from a user's mail
and post it under the senders username to to alt.singles.with.severe.social.
dysfunctions on news, and make a note in my diary to be there with my
camcorder. Should be a blast!
Next in line is the online medical records database, in which the company
doctors store the current medical histories of the staff. I grep it quickly
for "herpes" and "syphillus" and sell the results to the local scum newspaper.
I cover my tracks by adding an entry to one of the doctor's online electronic
diarys for yesterday saying "$500, Med Recs To Paper" I think that's all it
should take..
I move some tapes from the racks to the trolley to make it look like we really
use them, then start looking thru archie listings for a hidden x-gif site. I
find one then start a batch job running under some user's account to get them
all back, charged to him. I make sure he's got enough disk for the job by
removing any files not related to the task at hand. Like all those "Doctorate
Final Report" papers that have got quite large in the last couple of weeks.
I go back to the mail now, as something's bound to have happened. I do a grep
on all mail files for the words "pregnant" and "family way", and post them
anonymously to the local general interest newsgroup.
Then, before anything can happen, the power goes out! The next second, the
phone rings.
"Hello?" I say, annoyed - the coyote was just about to kill roadrunner again!
"Has the comput.."
I hang up. This is a matter of life or death. Quick as I can I rip the
computer power cable out of the UPS and plug the TV in. Damn! Wylie missed
again!
Meantime, all the alarms are going off like crazy as the disks spin down, but
that's ok, because my Mac and Terminal are hardwired to the UPS in any case;
and I'm at the Beer Factory level in Dark Castle too.
The phone rings, so I pull the PABX breaker on the UPS switchboard and it
stops. Now to look like I'm working. I break out the puck and the hockey
stick and play a little one-on-wall. From the observation window it'll look
like I'm being blindingly efficient, as per usual.
10 Minutes later, the power is back and we're two HDA's down, but what the
hell, I haven't lost a man, I'm onto the final screen, and there's more
cartoons!
The phone rings, it's a luser. (What a surprise)
"Computer Room" I say, being efficient
"Hello, when will the compu..."
I hang up.
I'm doing well in the screen, all I need do is get past the wizard who throws
spells at you and I'm in!
The phone rings again. I put it on hands free
"Computer Room" I shout, still deep in the game.
"I've lost my files" a user whines over the loudspeaker
"You bet you have" I say, as my concentration lapses just long enough for
me to get zapped by the wizard.
"What was your username?" I say, all sweetness and smiles
He tells me, I look, and he's right. Shit, and I didn't even do it!
Not to be outdone, I change his login directory to the null device, set his
path to "." and redefine the command "news" to execute a script in his old
login directory to send a nasty message to the equal opportunities officer,
then delete itself.
Now that's trying!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #6
It's friday, so I get into work early, before lunch even. The phone rings.
Shit!
I turn the page on the excuse sheet. "SOLAR FLARES" stares out at me. I'd
better read up on that. Two minutes later I'm ready to answer the phone.
"Hello?" I say.
"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOU ALL MORNING?!"
I hate it when they shout at me early in the morning. It always puts me in a
bad mood. You know what I mean.
"Ah, yes. Well, there's been some solar activity this morning, it always
disrupts electronics..." I say, sweet as a sugar pie.
"Huh? But I could get through to my friends?!"
"Yes, that's entirely possible, solar activity is very unpredictable in it's
effects. Why last week, we had some files just dissappear from a guys account
while he was working on it!"
"Really?"
"Straight Up! Hey, do you want me to check your account?"
"Yes please, I've got some important stuff in there!"
"Ok, what's your username..."
He tells me. Honestly, it's like shooting a fish in a barrel. Twice.
With an Elephant Gun. At point blank range. In the head.
(Do I really need to tell you the clicky clicky bit? I think not)
"How many files are in your account?" I ask
"Um, well there should be about 20 in my thesis writeup, 10 or so with the
data for it, and another 20 or so in a book that I'm writing"
"Hmmm. Well, I think we caught it just in time. You've still got 2 files
left... .cshrc and .login"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhh!"
He sobs into the receiver a bit - it really turns my stomach.
"What can I do?" he sniffs
"Ok, do you have any of your stuff backed up on floppy?"
"Some, but it's weeks old!"
I fire up the bulk eraser.
"Ok" I say "How about I come out and load all that data onto your account
pronto so you can get some work done?"
"That'd be great, but it's all at home" he wimpers. "I spose I'll just load
it all in myself tonight"
"Sure. But remember what I said, solar flares are bad for disks and machines.
Protect your disks from solar activity to prevent them losing their data"
"How do I do that? Wrap them in tin-foil?"
"NO! TIN FOIL'S THE WORST THING! YOU KNOW WHAT TIN FOIL DOES IN A MICROWAVE
DON'T YOU?!"
"Yes.."
"Then don't use it. There's only one thing that protects disks from solar
activity.."
"What's that?"
"MAGNETS. Wrap your disks up in a pillow case with lots of magnets - Solar
Flares hate that"
"Wow! Thanks"
"No worries at all..."
Shit I'm good!
english.162mladenp,
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #8
So I manage AT LONG LAST, to get a couple of hours off for lunch, AND, because
I can't leave my desk unattended, I get the janitor in and have him sit in
my chair. I tell him that all he has to do is make sure the receiver doesn't
accidentally get put back on the hook. He agrees and I'm off.
First stop, the bank. I change a $50 note into quarters and then ask to see
a balance of my account. Then I yank the power lead out of the teller's vdu.
It dies. I say I'm in a hurry and is the manager around?
He rolls over like a man-sized twinkie and asks what the problem is. I say
that all I want is a balance of my accounts. I cross my fingers. YES!
He finds the vdu lead out, plugs it in, and logs in, TO THE MANAGER'S ACCOUNT.
Now's my chance - I slip up against the counter, slopping 200 coins across the
counter. The manager ignores it, but all the tellers dive for the money. I
watch, unobserved, as the manager types in his password at the breakneck speed
of one character a minute. At that rate I should've got $100 worth....
He finishes typing. "MONEY". What a toughy! Well, that's my mortgage taken
care of tonight...
A user that I recognise from "D(eletion) day '89" approaches. I think he's
going to talk to me. Even the bank manager is shaking his head furiously.
But it's too late, he stops.
"Um, excuse me, Could you tell me what is the best computer to buy to do my
thesis on?
?!
Right.
"You've heard of Commodore 64's?" I ask
"Yes?.."
"Avoid them like the plague! Not many people know this, but computers aren't
made to handle that much memory - it's over 64,000 things, more in some cases.
It's a recipe for disaster!"
"Oh!"
"Try something safe and proven. A ZX81 with dual cassette drive if you can
get it. The 1K ram model. Write that down. Don't buy a disk drive - You
know how they're always failing, but music cassettes last forever!"
"Hey thanks!"
"No worries. What was your username again?"
He tells me. Just in time for D-Day 92. You'd think they'd learn.
I get back to work and the janitor's asleep at the terminal. I ask him if he
wants to work here too, but he likes the ability to bust in on people when
they're in the toilet...
I put the phone back on the hook, and straight away it rings. I hate it when
it does that, it takes me AGES to get my walkman phones in.
It's the hottest hosemonster I've ever met, and she's got a computer problem!
I love it when that happens!
"What's your username?" I ask
She tells me (as if I didn't know)
Quick as I can I read all her e-mail (mostly boring stuff), then grep everyone
else's mail files for her username. Nothing. Excellent!
"What's the problem?" I ask, all smiles and charm.
"I can't save my documents, it says something about space."
"Not a problem for long" I say, and delete everyone else on the same disk as
her. "You should be fine now.."
"Thank you so much" she gushes.
I make a mental note to do something to her account again tomorrow.
"No worries."
The phone rings almost before I've got it on the hook.
"My files are all gone!" a voice whines out at me.
"When did this happen?" I ask.
"Just now..." he says, through the tears
"I see. Well, I wouldn't worry, there's three days till the end of the
semester, if you work day and night until then, you should get at least a C-"
He sobs a couple more times then hangs up. What a wimp.
THE PHONE RINGS AGAIN!
"The screen on my PC is really dim" The woman at the other end says "Should I
wind the brightness knob up?"
"NO!" I scream "Don't touch that knob! Have you any idea of the radiation
that comes out of that thing when the knob gets wound up?!!!!"
"Well I..." she says, all uncertain
"TAKE MY ADVICE!" I say "There's only ONE way to fix a dim display, and that's
by power surging the drivers"
The words "power surging" and "drivers" have got her. People hear words like
that and go into dummy mode and do ANYTHING you say. I could tell her to run
naked across campus with a powercord rammed up her backside and she'd probably
do it... Hmmm...
"Have you got a spare power cord?"
"No.."
"Oh well, never mind, we'll have to do the power surge idea... Ok, quick as
you can, I want you to flick the power switch of your PC on and off 30 times"
"Should I take my disks out?"
"NO! Do you want to lose all your data!?!"
"Oh. No! Ok.."
I listen carefully.. ..
...clicky..clikcy...clikky.. .. .. ...clicky. ...cliccy..
. . BOOM!
Amazing, it probably made it to 27 - the power supply usually shits itself
at 15 or so...
"MY COMPUTER BLEW UP!!!" she screams at me down the line
"Really? Must've been a dodgy power supply! Lucky we found out now! Is your
machine still under warranty?"
"NO!"
"Dear oh dear. Well, Best get it repaired then. Did you backup your files?"
"Yes, to the system, Yesterday, but all this morning's work is gone!"
"Oh dear. What was your username, I'll just check that your backups worked
ok?"
She tells me....
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #8
I'm at my desk as usual, and a user calls.
"Hello Computer Room, Simon here, How can I help" I answer
"I can't get into my account!" A user mumbles at me.
"What was your username please?" I say
They give me their username. No worries. I look in their account.
"No worries, it was just a badly made login file. I've fixed it, you should
be able to login."
"Thanks!"
"No worries. Have a nice day!"
WHAT IS THIS? you're asking yourself. Has the BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL
turned over a new leaf? Sold out?! GONE INSANE?!!!
Nope. The BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL is being logfiled. And if that's happen-
ing, I'm being bugged as well. So I'm being nice till I can find the bugs. It
shouldn't be long - bear with me.
Ah. One in the phone handpeice. Basic. But then the boss is a sneaky sort,
so there's probably a couple more. Ah! And another in the base of the phone
and one inside my keyboard. Time for a mad coffee-spilling frenzy. This is
a big job, so I bring the whole jug over and wait for a witness. The System
Manager comes in.
"Where's that report of mine?" he asks in a surly manner - he's obviously
pissed that I haven't implicated myself yet. Antagonist Identified. As
the Principal of "BASTARD OPERATOR SCHOOL" (me) will tell you, "There's no
problem so large it can't be solved by killing the user off, deleting their
files, closing their account and reporting their REAL earnings to the IRS"
I pull his printout from under the coffee jug where I put it, and the coffee
splashes all over the phone and keyboard, which for some reason were stacked
on top of each other.
"Woopsy!" I say, mock horror on my face. The System Manager's face tells
me I was right in my guess.
"Don't think you'll get away with this!" he snarls and stomps off.
I click on the ethernet monitor and watch the traffic coming out of his PC.
Ah! A memo, authorising the termination of my contract, going to the laser in
the director's office. I make a few alterations to the file in the spool
directory and let it go to it's destination. I run my dinky little program
that deposits -522 to the PC and our mainframe shits itself.
Later, while booting, I'll remove that nasty logfile business.
Next, I wander into the comms room and plug my earphone into the spare
RS232 port in the Directors office. It's amazing how simple it is to bug an
office once it's got data lines going to it!
Director: "Are you sure about this?"
SysMgr: "OF COURSE!"
Director: "You don't want to reconsider?"
SysMgr "NEVER!"
Director: "Very well, I'll fax it to staffing now.."
SysMgr "EXCELLENT!"
Two seconds later the System Manager strolls in smiling.
"Well, I'll really miss you Simon.." he says, full of himself.
"Oh?" I say, all sweetness and charm "Where are you going?"
"No Simon" he says, with glee "You're going"
"A PROMOTION!" I say "You've finally written that letter to the head of
staffing telling him he's a bum-sucking arse bandit and that you quit?"
"No..."
"Are you sure? It's much better than the one about me being fired.."
"Y.." His eyes widen slightly
It's like clubbing a seal to death with a foam cushion. He runs to stop the
fax. Only, having just resigned, >clicky cklikcy< his card key no longer
works...
Ametuers...
The Phone rings. It's the same guy as before
"I can get into my account now, but I've run out of disk"
"Hang on, I'll see what I can do"
>clicccky<...
rm -r *
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #9
I'm driving to work and I'm stuck behind this old guy, the classic slow driver
from hell, whose car red-lines at 20 mph and can't take corners at more than
5. I honk my horn but his hearing aid's probably turned way down to "whisper",
so I'm stuck.
I make a mental note of his license plate. In fact, I did that 60 times a
minute for 15 and a half minutes. Oh dear.. oh dear.... Looks like another
call to the DMV Database to register a vehicle as stolen by out of town arms
dealers...
I get to work, flick the excuse page over. "ELECTROMAGNETIC RADIATION FROM
SATTELLITE DEBRIS". Fair enough, it looks like it's going to be a good day.
I log into "FUCKYOU", (the help-desk enquiries username) and go into mail.
There's 3 new messages, the first of which is 117 lines long, so it's obviously
a storyteller. Shit, I hate that. Instead of saying "My account needs more
disk space" they tell you about how they're doing this bit of research for a
lecturer and how it's got to be in yesterday, and they almost had it but their
second cousing twice removed had a perforated herpes scab and lost a lot of
blood and had to be rushed into hospital... etc etc. I delete the message.
Second message I read, but it's one of those people who can't handle the mail
interface and send a null message, so all you get is headers. I reply to the
message saying "No worries, we can do that by next tuesday". Hope it was
important.
The last message I leave for tommorrow, because Saturday would be a dull day
if I ever had to work then.
The phone rings. I thought I'd fixed that!
I put it on hands free so I can slop some pizza into the microwave.
"Yes" I call
"Something's wrong with my Boot disk, I can't login to the server"
"Have you got your disk with you?"
"Sure!"
I go get the disk and put it and the pizza in for 5 minutes on "ULTRA-NUKE".
Six minutes later, he rings back.
"It still doesn't work, and now my disk makes a funny noise and smells."
"OH SHIT! It's that electromagnetic radiation from satellite debris again!"
"Really? I think I heard about that!" (What a tool!)
"Yep, I'm sorry, you'll have to buy another disk"
"Oh, that's ok, I don't mind, the old one was getting worn. Thanks"
"Sure, no worries. And be sure to run it through our virus checker FDISK
when you get a lot of important data on it..."
"I will! Thanks!"
"That's Ok - it's my job!"
Xcbzone is running really slow so I kill off a whole lot of database backends
that seem to be hogging all the cpu and get back into my game. Much better.
It isn't easy on the frontline, work work work...
I go to the cafeteria for a quick 2 hour snack - they're so nice to me there.
They always have been, ever since that computer glitch that registered their
kitchen as an organ recipient - very messy. I grab a couple of cans of coke
and some cheese things and cruise on back to the office via the first year
computer funamentals lab. I look in the window on the scene that unfolds it-
self to me - a lab full of first years with no demonstrator.
WELL I'LL JUST HAVE TO HELP!
I walk on in.
"Right, I'm your temporary replacement demonstrator and today we're going
to put our assignments aside for half an hour to learn about the REMARK
function, or, as it's known to the computer literate world, rm.."
I should have been a teacher you know - I've got this way with people...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #10
I get invited to a lecture as a guest speaker in "Computing Operations Fund-
amentals", so I leave the control room in the capable hands of Sam, the
janitor and cruise on down.
The lecture starts and goes ok, then there's a 10 minute period where students
get to ask a "real operator" questions that they have about operations.
I get out my pad and pen.
"Before we get started" I say, "could you just call out your username before
you ask me a question, I find it easier to apply your problem to terms you
would understand better"
The lecturer eats all this up - the personal touch really gets to them.
"First Question, You over there.."
"What do you think of the privacy of individuals on a shared system?"
"What was your username please?"
"CMS1103"
>Scratchy scritch<
"Computer Privacy... Hmmm. This is a toughy really. You mean stuff like
reading the email between you and your counsellor about you not wanting to
come out of the closet?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGH!"
"AH. Well, he seems to have left - must have picked a bad COMPLETELY RANDOM
example. Next question. You, over there..."
"CMS1136. I was.."
"Ah yes, 1136 the only person on campus who subscribes to alt.sex.buggery.by.
sailors.dressed.in.mums.clothing"
"It's purely for research purposes!"
"I'm sure it is. You do a lot of story posting for a researcher don't you?"
"NNGggggAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHGH!"
"Next please..."
...
..
Two minutes later, the lecture theatre's empty.
That's the problem with students today, they just don't want to learn.
I go back to control and Sam's asleep at the console again. I think he's
after my job. I make a mental note to tap into the salary database and
cancel his health and accident insurance payments. You can't be too careful..
I put the phone on the hook for the first time this afternoon and it starts
ringing almost immediately. THAT'S IT! I redirect it to 911 catch a bit of
shuteye. That'll teach them. OOPS! Almost forgot to turn over the excuse
calendar. "STATIC FROM NYLON UNDERWEAR" Nope, too plausable - although in
some cases I could do an on-site check. Nah, can't be stuffed. I'll pick
another one. "STATIC FROM PLASTIC SLIDE RULES" Now THAT'S one with a
challenge!
I un-redirect the phone and drag the rubbish bin so it rests on the printer's
stacker - another job well done. The phone rings - this could be the big one!
"Hello?"
"Hi, Um, how do I spell-check my file?"
"Simple, just type `spell' and the filename"
"Thanks"
I'm so bloody nice this morning. Especially as I know that my version of spell
introduces errors instead of detecting them. Things like changing friend to
freind and vice-versa. What the hell.
The phone rings - it's them again.
"There's something wrong with spell"
"What makes you think that?"
"Because my file is all corrupt now!"
"That doesn't sound like spell to me. Are you logged into thru PC?"
"Yes, but I can.."
"Please, leave the technical diagnosis to me... Now, is there a plastic ruler
somewhere on or in the desk?"
"Um >clunka<, yes..."
"Right. You've got a static buildup on your hard-drive caused by the changing
electrostatic field generated by the ruler - the same one that makes bits of
paper stick to it when you rub it up and down your arm..."
DUMMY MODE ON
"Oh. What do I do?"
"You know how you get paper off a ruler by hitting it on a table lots of times?
Well do that with your PC. Say 20 times - lift it about a foot off the desk &
drop it."
"Oh. OK"
>crash<
>crash<
>crash<
"Um, the screen went dark"
"That's ok, it's supposed to do that - keep going. And when you're finished,
do the screen as well, that static may have gone up the wires to it."
>crash<
>crash<
>crash<...
I hang up. I get up and go out to the public area to put honey in the floppy
drives when a guy who looked like Lee Harvey Oswald runs up to me and shoots
me, only the sound comes from the machine room, and I can hear the ex System-
Managers chuckle....
Later, in the ambulance, I realise. I forgot to get the guys username...
Then everything goes dark
--
english.163kermit,
Svaka čast za Bastard Operator-a. Pogiboh od smeha, plakao sam
koliko je surovo ;)))))
english.164dusan,
U avionu na 8 hiljada metara oba pilota počinju da se smeju ko blesavi, urlaju
od smeha. Prilazi jedan putnik i pita:
-Momci, pa zašto se toliko smejete?
+Pa mislimo šta će da kažu u ludnici kad ustanove da smo pobegli!
english.165ndragan,
-> #164, dusan/ +Pa mislimo šta će da kažu u ludnici kad ustanove da smo pobegli!
Ako neko misli da ovo nije bilo na engleskom, nek pogleda onaj plus na
početku reda. Tako nešto samo englezi mogu da smisle.
english.166dejanr,
LORD give me patience but make it quick
Death is natures way of telling you to slow down
Women like simple things in life ... like men
Peace is the time between wars
[RCUM::EXTBENO "Beno Janzek"]
english.167dejanr,
As a teaching assistant, I have heard some interesting excuses for late
homework, but this one made me consider actually giving an extension.
"My lab partner's magnetic personality made the disk unreadable."
english.168dejanr,
11) Q: What does having sex with fat girls and riding mopeds have in
common?
A: They are both fun until a friend sees you
14) Q: What's the hardest thing for an AIDS victim?
A: Convincing his mother that he is Haitian.
22) Q: What can a girl put behind her ears to make her look sexy?
A: Her knees
25) Q: How did Helen Kellers parents punish her?
A: They left the plunger in the toilet bowl
29) Q: What would you call a girl who is fat and perverted?
A: A bisexual built for two
49) Q: What goes click click, did I get it, click click, did I get it,
click click, did I get it?
A: Stevie Wonder doing the Rubix Cube.
57) Q: How many Poles does it take to start a car?
A: Five. One to steer, one to work the pedals, two to push and one
to sit under the hood saying "Va-room, Varoom".
58) Q: What are the two biggest Polish lies?
A: The check is in the mouth
I promise not to come in the mail
59) Q: What is the definition of "indiscreet"?
A: Where a black man parks his car.
60) Q: What is the difference between a black and a bicycle?
A: A bicycle doesn't start to sing "Kumbaya, my Lord" when you chain
it to the wall.
61) Q: What are 5 words you never want to hear?
A: I be yo new neighba
62) Q: What is the new disease striking all Jewish women?
A: MAIDS - if they don't get one - they die.
64) Q: What do Somalians use venetian blinds for?
A: Bunk beds
65) Q: What do Yoko Ono and Somalians have in common?
A: They both live off dead beetles
68) Q: How do you start a fire without matches?
A: Hold a piece of toilet paper behind a fat girl wearing corduroys
72) Q: Whats the definition of a metallurgist?
A: A man who can tell if a platinum blonde is a virgin metal or a
common ore
78) Q: Why hasn't a Puerto Rican ever won the Nobel Prize for Literature?
A: The committee won't go to New York City to read the side of a
subway train
79) Q: Why did the Pollack castrate himself?
A: He wanted to win the "No-Ball" Prize
80) Q: How does the newspaper report Puerto Rican social events?
A: "Among those wounded by gunshots were..."
81) Q: Whats the difference between Poland and yogurt?
A: Yogurt has culture
83) Q: What is unique about presidents Washington and Jefferson?
A: They are the last two white men to have those names
85) Q: What appears these days on the sides of Vaseline jars?
A: Pictures of missing homosexuals
90) Q: What do black people and vaginas have in common?
A: They both have big lips, curly hair, and twenty minutes
after they're washed, they smell the same as before.
91) Q: What's the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?
A: One pricks your finger...
93) Q: What do you get when cross a lawyer with a hooker?
A: I don't know, but when it sucks your cock, it doesn't
stop until it draws blood.
94) Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a chicken?
A: One clucks defiance while the other...
98) Q: What do you call a 6'6" black, with a 3" prick who can't play
basketball?
A: Useless
99) Q: What does the proper gay waiter say to another gay in a
restaurant?
A: "May I push your stool in, sir?"
100) Q: What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?
A: You don't have to beg your girlfriend to blow your paycheck.
105) Q: What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A: A whore screws everyone, a bitch screws everyone except you.
108) Q: Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
A: They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers
who are alway playing with them.
110) Q: What do you call a woman who has PMS and ESP?
A: A bitch who thinks she knows it all.
111) Q: What does a computer science graduate say to a humanities
graduate?
A: I'll have the burger and fries, please.
112) Q: Why is it better Jesus was crucified than electrocuted?
A: Because priests would look stupid wearing chairs around
their necks.
117) Q: Why don't men respect women?
A: How could you respect something that bleeds for five days
and lives!?!
118) Q: How many male chauvenists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.
119) Q: What is the primary objective of a street gang member?
A: To pronounce the word "motherfucker" in one syllable.
120) Q: Why does Mike Tyson have tears in his eyes during sex?
A: Mace
[UBBG::ESOKIC]
english.169dejanr,
>From a collection of kids' opinions on the campaign, as quoted in the
Chicago Tribune, 11/3/92.
"I feel Clinton's opposing the Vietnam War isn't an issue, and I probably
would have done the same. As far as Clinton supposedly cheating on his
wife, what do people think he's going to do? Be president of another
country while he's president of ours?"
Tom R., age 12, Woodstock, IL
english.170dejanr,
[Following is from a letter to the editor of "Frequent Flyer" magazine,
October 1990, written by Carl Macina and attributed to him and a
co-flyer, Ron Miller:]
Murphy's Laws for Frequent Flyers
1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the
delay to make the flight.
2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest
gate within the terminal.
3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon
as you touch pen to paper.
6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on
the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just
look for the two largest passengers.
7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to
the lavatory.
8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on
luggage passengers will bring aboard.
english.171ndragan,
Adam 'n' Eve in paradise, sleeping, their heads pointing to the west.
At dawn, Eve looks east and says:
-It' rising!
A bit later:
-Oh you idiot! I meant the sun was rising!
english.172dejanr,
>From: lnd@csa.bu.edu (Levin)
Subject: Logicians' jokes
Heard at 1992 Europ. Summer Meeting of Assn. of Symb. Logic. Author unknown.
1. In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
But, in practice, there is.
2. Profound Truth differs from simple truth in that the negation of a simple
truth is a simple falsehood, while the negation of a Profound Truth may be
another Profound Truth. E.g. a button with "Life is just as simple as it seems"
on one side and "Life is not as simple as it seems" on the other.
--
This is a true story ...
I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas
station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had
left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure
enough, it was lost. Well, he thought for a second and realized that
other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth
going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't
find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure
enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He
tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.
"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that
fits. And this one's even better because it locks ..."
english.173bearboy,
= THE TRAGEDY OF AN ON-LINE ADDICTION =
- by Steve King -
"Did you know that last month's (expletive) phone bill is over
$450?" my wife scolded me in her harshest, my-husband-the-child
voice. "That's more than twice the monthly payment you make for
that (expletive) computer!" she continued as she escalated to
screaming.
"I confess! I confess!" I sobbed. "I'm just an on-line junkie
-- I'm addicted to my modem! I guess I'll just have to join
Modems Anonymous before I owe my soul to the phone company."
As a counselor for Modems Anonymous, I hear numerous variations
of the preceding story every day. That insidious disease, modem
fever, is exacting a tragically large toll from the cream of our
society's computer users. Modem-mania is sweeping through the
very foundations of our country and there seems to be no stopping
it. This disease (yes, it is a social disease of almost epidemic
proportions) is becoming a such calamity that soon there's even
going to be a soap opera about on-line addiction named, "All My
Modems."
If you don't already own one of those evil instruments called a
modem, take warning! Don't even think about buying one. Modem
fever sets in very quietly; it sneaks up on you and then grabs
you by the wallet, checkbook or, heaven forbid, credit cards.
Once you own a modem, you enter the insidious addictive trap by
"dialing up" a friend who also has a modem. For some strange
reason, typing messages to each other fascinates you. (Even if
it is less than 10% of the speed that you can speak the same
words over a normal voice phone link.) Of course, you make
several attempts at hooking up before you finally figure out that
at least one of you must be in the half-duplex mode; that
discovery actually titillates you (sounds impossible, but it's
true).
Then your modem-buddy (friend is too good a term) sews another
seed on the road to on-line addiction by giving you the number of
a local RBBS (Remote Bulletin Board Service). Once you get an
RBBS phone number, you've taken the first fatal step in a journey
that can only end in on-line addiction.
After you take the next step by dialing up the the RBBS your
modem-buddy told you about, you find that it's very easy to
"log-on." This weird form of conversation with an unattended
computer is strangely exciting, much more so than just typing
messages when you're on-line with your modem-buddy. The initial
bulletins scroll by and inform you about the board, but you're
too "up" to comprehend most of it. Then you read some of the
messages in the message section and maybe, in a tenative manner,
you enter one or two of your own. That's fun, but the excitement
starts to wear off; you're calming down. Thinking that it might
be worthwhile to go back and re-read the log-on bulletins, you
return to the main RBBS menu.
Then it happens. The RBBS provides the bait that entices you all
the way into the fiery hell of modem addiction. As you look at
the RBBS main menu to learn how to return to the log-on
bulletins, you find an item called FILES. By asking your host
computer for FILES, you thread the bait onto the hook of
corruption; the FILES SUBMENU sets the hook. You start running
with the line when you LIST the files; you leap into the air with
the sheer joy of the fight when all those public domain program
titles and descriptions scroll by. They're FREE!!! All you have
to do is tell the bulletin board to download (transmit) them to
you. You download your first program and you're landed, in the
creel, cleaned and ready for the cooking fires. In just 55
minutes after you logged-onto the board, you've downloaded six
programs, one of them is Andrew Fleugelman's PC-Talk, version 3
(truly an instrument for evil).
RBBSLIST.DOC, which is also among the files you downloaded,
contains a list of a great number of bulletin boards throughout
the country. (There's evil all around us, constantly tempting
us!) You print the list and find about 60 RBBS phone numbers.
(Have mercy on our souls!) The list also gives you the hours of
operation, communications parameters and informs you about each
board's specialty. You decide to try PC-Talk and use it to
dial-up an RBBS about three states away. Since the line is busy,
you pass the time entering all those RBBS phone numbers into
PC-Talk's voluminous dialing directory.
You try the number again -- still busy. You think, "Hey, there's
one that specializes in Pascal programs. Maybe I'l try it. It's
about half-way across the country, but it's after 5pm and the
phone rates have changed. It won't be too expensive."
The Pascal board answers. After 45 minutes you've downloaded
another five programs. Then you call another board -- only this
one's completely across the country from California, in Florida.
And so it goes on into the night... And the next night... And
the next...
Some days it gets to you. You begin to feel the dirtiness of
modem addiction, particularly when your wife makes you feel like
a child by berating you for those astronomical phone bills -- if
she hasn't divorced you by then. Every time you sit down before
your IBM PC to do some work, you dial up another RBBS instead.
If that one's busy, you call another, and another, until you
connect. Then you feel OK, almost "high." When you finally hang
up, you still can't work; you can only dial up another RBBS.
Your downfall as an on-line addict is just another one of this
society's terrible tragedies, such as polygamy or the compulsion
to circle all the numbers on computer magazine "bingo cards."
Eventually your whole social life relies upon only the messages
you find on electronic bulletin boards; your only happiness is
the programs you have downloaded. (You never try any of them,
you only collect them.)
Hope exists, however. We, the dedicated but under-paid staff of
Modems Anonymous, have done extensive research to find a cure for
modem mania, which has been ruining hundreds of lives. And we
have succeeded in our quest. The cure is really quite simple,
yet effective:
Set up your own remote bulletin board service. Then
all the other modem addicts will phone you, and their
wives can nag at them about $450 phone bills. And you
can find peace -- at last.
english.174dejanr,
The Witty Answering Machine Message List
1
"We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please
leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express
account number and we'll get back to, pending credit approval."
2
"You have reached the <city>,<state> Strategic Air Command Nuclear
Missle Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right
now. At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of
targets and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day."
3
"Hello. This is Chris. John and Mike aren't here right now, but if you
leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can."
4
[imitating Ensign Chekov]
"Oh, sair...it was *Khan*! He made us say things...do things...he
kept us from answering the phone! But Keptin was strong, and if you
leave your name and number, Keptin will get back to you as soon as
he can!" <BEEP>
5
[imitating Mr. Rogers]
"Hello. I'm in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can't come to the phone.
Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone?
Sure...I knew you could." <BEEP>
6
Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if...
Matt: Steve, what are you doing?
Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Matt: No, you're incorrect. It's definitely my turn.
Steve: You fool. I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you doing
with that frying pan?!?
BONK [really loud thud]
Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.
7
"Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?"
8
"This is (#include phone.addr). We are not ... excuse me a moment,
please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of window breaking)
Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later."
9
"Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm.
Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's
not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......"
10
A friend of mine at school has this message, read by three people while
the STAR TREK theme plays in the background.
1: Room 17, the final frontier.
2: These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its 2 semester
mission: to seek out your name and your telepohne number.
3: To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.
11
(Annoying flute music in background)
Good day, Jim. Your contact, [insert name], is not available right now.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name,
number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct
in thirty seconds.
Good Luck, Jim.
12
"Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right
now, but if you leave your name ...", etc.
13
"Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone
right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message I'll
have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in
next week's National Enquirer."
14
In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church music
<In a soft voice> Good Day My child, you have reached {name} dial a confession.
At the tone if you will leave your name, number and short confession I will get
back to you with your pennance. Thank you and may God go with you. <Beep>
15
Hi this is <name>. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.
16
A friend was at a mutal friend's sister's house, and when she went out for
beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravely,
horror-film voice he recorded, "HI, THIS IS KATHY, I'M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW.
IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I'M FEELING
BETTER."
17
I worked for a bit in the coastguard in Wales and I used to send weather
reports to other bases, using a sort of antique FAX machine. I would call
first on a special telephone and then send the data. They used to answer the
pho
ne with:
" Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking."
" Hartland home for lost whores." (that was Hartland CG)
" Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?"
" Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct:
T minus one minute and counting"
And then there was one phone we didn't use, with a number one off that of
the local take-out. With my, non-British, accent I had some great fun with
that phone.
"Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there
is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on
screen?" (silence...click)
"Vancouver coastguard, may I help you." British long distance rates are
phenomenonal and I had this poor dude sputtering with horror that he had
managed
to make a long distance call by dialing five digits.
18
----------------------------------------------------
This is one of my old ones that got a lot of laughs:
<Phone Rings>
Noisy pick-up of phone
Uh...<wisperingly> Hello?
Hi, I 'm a burgular and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine.
If you give me your name and number I'll..uh, I'll post it on the 'frige
where he'll see it. Uh.. by the way, where did you say you live?
19----------------------------------------------------
But right now I'm using "This is a boring answering machine message.
Leave a message anyway." because I'm sick of people ringing the phone
at 10am just so they can hear the clever messages I usually have, and
then hanging up without even leaving a "like your message" message.
Feh!
20----------------------------------------------------
[Must have good Australian accent]
G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with
this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.
21----------------------------------------------------
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and
number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word
is supercilious ...}
22----------------------------------------------------
Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal,
and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.
23----------------------------------------------------
Also, on the subject of answering machins, my favorite tape was:
"This is Jeff, you're not in now so I'll leave a message."
Really confused people.
24----------------------------------------------------
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler
in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the
future....
25------------------------------------------------
Hello. I can't come to the phone now because--HEY, GEORGE! DON'T STAND
ON THAT--goddam. ...because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over
<loud music cuts in>...BARBARA! HEY! DON'T FUCK WITH THAT!...over for
dinner. After the tone...BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG...MILLIE! DOWN GIRL!
...shit...Leave a message after the tone...HEY, FUCKHEAD...<beep>
26------------------------------------------------
Hello. Lindsey's not home now--this is his domestic droid speaking.
I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and
Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.
27_________________________________________________
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
28------------------------------------------------
Ring, Ring:
The number you have xxx-xxxx (your number) has been changed, the
new number is xxx-xxxx (again, your number). CULATA!
29------------------------------------------------
"Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous!
(your name here) can't come to the phone right now, because he's
spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera..."
30------------------------------------------------
One day I had a borrowed Casio sampler toy and used it to create a
rather interesting one:
Hello. You have reached Tooooommmmmm Tom Tm! Tom and
MaMaMaMarMMMMaark's room. Tom is studying ssttuuddyyiinngg sssssssssssss
and MaMark isn'isn'isn'isn't here. isn't here. P-P-Pleas! leave a
messssssssage. Goodbye. 'bye! bye!bbyebybyyeyeyebbye {byes repeating
at all different pitches}
31------------------------------------------------
Last year my roommate had a machine but he hated to make the outgoing
message. Stage fright, I guess. So I usually made them. One that we
usually used during exam time was:
{background music: Billy Joel's _Pressure_ very loud}
Hello. You have reached Tom and Mark's room. We're a little busy now...
{ BJ screams PRESSURE!!! }
So, leave a message and we'll get back to you someday after (exam end
date)
{ BJ: ONE TWO THREE FOUR PRESSURE!!! followed by a very out-of-tune BEEP! }
32------------------------------------------------
My favorite message that I ever had was the *real* message I recorded
off 1-800-CALL-SPY, the U.S. army snitching network. Try it, its a great
recording (call after 5 pm for the message).
[Give it try! -pZ]
33------------------------------------------------
<Ring>
In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans.
<Husky, Soft female voice is best> Hi,... You've just reached {name} pleasure
palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell but when we're done... we'll
get back to you in whatever way we can. <Beep>
You wouldn't believe how much explaining my mother wanted on that one...
34------------------------------------------------
[b.g. music is frantic, violin oriented]
"hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we are currently unable to answer
because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. please leave
a message..." etc.
35------------------------------------------------
[the quiet, eerie vocal part of 'hello, earth' by kate bush]
(after about 30 seconds): "hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx.
we can't come to the phone right now because we're at vespers.
please leave a message..." etc. (30 more seconds of music before
the beep.)
36------------------------------------------------
(Spoken in a granny voice)
"Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like
no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody
got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay
it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a
lot."
Must be spoken in a drawl.
37------------------------------------------------
Well, this isn't strictly from an answering machine, but...
>From Calvin and Hobbes:
(phone rings)
(you answer) Hello, this is <...> speaking. I'd like a large pizza
with extra anchovies.
(other person) What?
(you reply) Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number.
(hang up)
Make everyone's day a little more surreal.
39------------------------------------------------
"I'm home right now . . . I'm just screening my calls. So just start talking
and if you're someone I want to speak to I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise,
well, what can I say?
40------------------------------------------------
In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife.
[sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex]
But this method doesn't work with a telephone call...
[sound effect: dial tone]
Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops,
it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay?
Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you
hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!
41------------------------------------------------
"Hi, you have reached .... Please leave your name, phone number and a
message and if we like it we will return your call".
42------------------------------------------------
However, the most effective one I have had so far can be used only one day
per year: "This is David. I'm not using the phone over Yom Kippur, so please
leave a message or call back after the holiday." No one wants to admit not
having realized it was Yom Kippur or not knowing I would pick one holiday from
the whole calendar on which to get observant, so everyone hangs up and leaves
me no bad news or requests for favors.
43------------------------------------------------
"This is David. Talk."
44------------------------------------------------
"Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a
sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely.
When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one."
45------------------------------------------------
[with a kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra" in the background...]
"Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead
reached..." [YA-DAAAAAAAAA!] "...the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name
and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can."
46------------------------------------------------
"Hello, this is Dr. Pangloss. If this were the best of all possible worlds,
I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your
name and number..."
47------------------------------------------------
"Hello?" <pause for a few seconds> "Sorry, he's not here right now,
but if you leave a message, he'll get back to you."
48------------------------------------------------
(woman taped off a "phone sex" service)
WOMAN : (seductively) Hi. I'm Linda. You know, it can be really lonely
when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to ...
YOU : (interupting) Oh cmon, Linda, give me the damn phone..
(then ask for a message)
49------------------------------------------------
Just after the earthquake a friend of mine put on his answering machine:
"Hi, this is Jeff. We can't get to the phone right now because we
were killed in the Earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a
message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually." BEEP
My favorite post quake message:
"Hi, we're not in cause we're out LOOTING!
Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got."
50------------------------------------------------
"Hello, I'm not hear right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet.
If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you.
Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage
with a vacuum cleaner."
51------------------------------------------------
Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just
a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to
click off music, which gets quiet. sound of person running back
to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!...
uh huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to a machine, so please
leave a message and I'll call you back.
(this ran for a while until a friend threatened to kill us after
she said she had a 2 minute conversation with the machine.)
52------------------------------------------------
"Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now
because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made
up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the
resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker.
So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my
component particles have been restored to their normal charges."
53------------------------------------------------
"Speak, worm!" <beep>
Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice.
54------------------------------------------------
"You know what to do at the tone." <beep>
55------------------------------------------------
"Hello?" <beep>
This confuses anyone who doesn't know you.
56------------------------------------------------
"Hello, I'm not here." <beep>
A friend of mine used this one last summer. I always answered it with
"Okay, that's all I wanted to know."
57------------------------------------------------
Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now.
If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah,
that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John (Chris's boyfriend), Chris
is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one
else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president.
Yeah and the .... pope. Yeah that's it. <beep>
58------------------------------------------------
(in an Italian mafia-style tone:)
"Hello. I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to
stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a
little... <aside> HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name
and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, _you'll_hear_
from_Guido! ( a little laughter )... "
59------------------------------------------------
(To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate instrumental accompaniment)
I just left home baby
I'll be out fer a spell
and if you don't leave a message baby
you can go to <BEEP>
60------------------------------------------------
Hello, this is <insert your name here>. I'm home right now, and in
a few moments, I'll have a decision to make.
BEEEP!
61------------------------------------------------
[Theme from "Indiana Jones" in the background.]
You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't
come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the
refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and
we'll get back to you.
[Theme from "Indiana Jones" continues until the beep.]
62------------------------------------------------
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick
your message to myself with one of these magnets.
63------------------------------------------------
One of my favorites had this very exciting scary music, along with a
kitten crying in the background, and the voice goes:
The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power
supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. If you hang up
before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry
the kitty. The choice is YOURS.... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
64------------------------------------------------
FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW.
THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES...... ~~~
65------------------------------------------------
Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible.
Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... bear
a... er... shalt not witness thy... uh... neighbor's ass,
oh, I mean, false... er... shalt not commit a bear... dern...
66------------------------------------------------
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand
the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens
if I touch this... YOW!!
67------------------------------------------------
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come
to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording
this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to
it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're
listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so
confusing.
68------------------------------------------------
I can't come to the phone now, so... hey -- that's a nice phone
you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet
you have answering machines bothering you all the time... yes
indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can
listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for
you...
69------------------------------------------------
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it!
Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about
it!... Don't...!
70------------------------------------------------
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left
the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to
come out of hiding.
71------------------------------------------------
Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting
down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
72------------------------------------------------
As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on
reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... the
telephone is next to an answering machine... you hear a faint
click and a light flashes on the answering machine... you hear
a beep...
73------------------------------------------------
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel
very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and
your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you
will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
message.
74------------------------------------------------
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No!
Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep!
AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
75------------------------------------------------
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine
Broadcast System. This is only a test.
76------------------------------------------------
Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin
Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...
77------------------------------------------------
[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"]
Leave a message... leave a message... etc.
78------------------------------------------------
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone
right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number,
then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to
mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother...
unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as
soon as possible.
79------------------------------------------------
[For Shakespeare lovers only]
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
80------------------------------------------------
[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal.
[VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
81------------------------------------------------
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the
basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If
you need any money, or if you just want to check out my
handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you
need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the
Treasury, please ignore this message.
82------------------------------------------------
Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's
not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and
confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as
soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless
you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!
83------------------------------------------------
Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15
minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you
weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.
84------------------------------------------------
C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the
way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good
boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one,
beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!
85------------------------------------------------
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel
stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if
you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me
something about myself. Thanks.
86------------------------------------------------
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my
brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings
assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
87------------------------------------------------
Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes
are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll
have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.
88------------------------------------------------
Ok, One more time...
This is our answering machine...
This is the message on our answering machine...
...Any questions?
89------------------------------------------------
Hi, can I speak to Mark?...Oh, there isn't?...I'm sorry,
I must have dialed the wrong number.
english.175dejanr,
90------------------------------------------------
<beep, beep, beep>
The number you have reached,
Seven. Six. Seven. One. Two. Three. Four.
[Use your number here.]
has not been disconnected and is still in service.
Please leave a message at the sound of the tone.
91------------------------------------------------
HANS: This is Hans
FRANZ: And this is Franz, and we just want to...
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
HANS: But we are not at home, you know
FRANZ: Ya, we are gone
HANS: If you want us to...
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
HANS: You will leave a message after the beep
FRANZ: If you don't leave a message, then you are Girlyman.
HANS: Ya, Girlyman. And we don't talk to Girlyman, you know
FRANZ: So leave a message and we will call to..
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
92------------------------------------------------
"Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY -- Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY!
They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there
somewhere. So . . . leave your name and number and tell us where
*YOU* saw Elvis!"
93------------------------------------------------
"Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line where
you can talk to me, Bren. I'll tell you all about how I'm suffering
in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby of being a
power forward for the Portland Trailblazers. I'll tell my deepest
secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by short blonde sorority
girls wearing short jean skirts, and you can decide whether or not
I'm wearing pants. Selected callers will get to talk to me live.
Since you're not one of them, leave your own personal secret at the
beep. "
94------------------------------------------------
In a vaguely phoneco-operator voice: "I'm sorry, you have reached an
imaginary number. Would you please rotate your telephone by ninety
degrees and try your call again."
A few people even got the joke...
95------------------------------------------------
"You have just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center.
Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey.
TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume
incoming, non-important."
96------------------------------------------------
"Sherwood forest, which dear do you want?"
"Lucifer speaking, who in the hell do you want?"
"Heaven, God speaking."
"Bridge, Kirk here."
"City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em; You stab 'em, we slab 'em!"
97------------------------------------------------
"Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are
able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name,
telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell."
98------------------------------------------------
"I've set up my answering machine so that when anyone calls, they
here a busy signal."
99------------------------------------------------
If you are a burgler, then we are probably at home but can't come
to the phone right now
Otherwise, we probably aren't at home.
100------------------------------------------------
The number you've dialed is purely imaginary, multiply by i and dial again!
101------------------------------------------------
This is you-know who.
We are you-know-where.
Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
102------------------------------------------------
" I'm Morley Safer."
"I'm Harry Reasoner."
"I'm ........
"And I'm" <the guy whose answering machine it was>
" We're not home; leave a message."
He had taped the audio of the beginning of 60 minutes; it sounded
very funny.
103------------------------------------------------
"Greetings. You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic Films
Unlimited. Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screen
tests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the late John
Holmes in our upcoming feature film "It's Not the Size That Counts but
Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It." If you're interested in a
screen test, or even if you're not, please leave us your name, age,
phone number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work
experience, both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your
favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of
Cool Whip. Thank you for calling."
104------------------------------------------------
Another one I've done more than once is to slowly increase the pitch
and speed of my voice while recording the message to make it sound
like the machine is broken:
(start, low pitch, slow)
"Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy....
(middle, normal)
..home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark and Mike. Nobody's home...
(later, high pitch, fast)
..butifyou'dliketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen...
(end, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish)
..kkfjdkeirucjkljfkldjrioutjkjfdskoreudjfkleqBEEP!"
105------------------------------------------------
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your
name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach
you, and I'll think about returning your call.
106------------------------------------------------
"E'llo."
"My name is Inigo Montonya."
"You killed my father."
"Leave your name and number, and prepare to die."
<beep>
107------------------------------------------------
My favorite that I have heard as an answering machine message is also
from this movie. My friend recorded the section that goes something
like:
"I'm writing the definative work on pain, and I would like you
to tell me how the machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This
is for posterity."
108------------------------------------------------
The message I currently have on my recorder is the output from my Amiga's
speech sythesizer. It's set up as a dialog between two distict, but
recognizably artificial voices. I thought it sort of mediocre myself, but
have gotten quite a number of amused comments about it.
-----
1> Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
2> Yeah, nobody but us machines!
1> Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave
your name and telephone number...
2> ...and a message! You forgot about the message!
1> Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you
hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people
get back.
2> ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!
109------------------------------------------------
I taped theoperator saying "we're sorry. The number you have reached
has been disconnected or is no longer is service..."
109------------------------------------------------
From Halloween this year:
(Ominous electronic background music.)
Hi, this is Jim. In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform
an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Oh,
unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by?
SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII...
110------------------------------------------------
(French monologue in the background)
Around the world today, millions still speak French as either
a first or second language. But with your continued support
and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave
a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone
tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".
111------------------------------------------------
Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can
talk to my answering machine for only $.95 per minute! Please
leave your credit card number at the tone...
112------------------------------------------------
Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge
drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets
you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone,
and thank you for your pledge.
113------------------------------------------------
(click) "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your
voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for
later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to
use the sound of _your_ voice for literally thousands of illegal
and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial
consultation, however our staff of professional extortionists
will be contacting you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.
Thank you." (BEEEEEEEEEEEP)
114-------------------------------------------
Message: Hi this is Craig's car phone. Craig's at home now, so you can try
calling him there or leave a message after the beep.
Caller's message: Hmmm. Car phone!?! I'll call back later when your out.
-Koris Goudonov
115------------------------------------
Every now and then we are all pestered by these high-tech telemarketing
companies where the sales pitch is usually disguised as a survey of some kind.
The despicable thing about these things is that they won't leave you
alone. If you hang up, they will just call back again.
One day my wife got a call from one of these computer systems, and her
answering machine answered. The conversation that followed was
hilarious, as it consisted of two machines talking to each other
without having the slightest idea about what each other was saying.
The conversation wound up in an endless loop, as follows:
[PHONE] *RING*
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "...At the tone, please give your message.
BEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "Hello. This is [company_name], and we are taking a telephone
survey ... when I ask a question, wait for the beep, then please
speak plainly. I will repeat your answer back to you, and verify it.
First, what is your phone number? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
(The answering machine, upon hearing the beep, got confused and thought
it was a play-back command, and generated another beep in response.)
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "Thank you! Your phone number was 443-28347-47756-377764-22222.
Is that correct? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any children? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] Thank you! What is the age of your first child? BEEEEEEEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "Your first child is 1,222 years old. Is that correct?
BEEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[--------------- BEGIN ENDLESS LOOP ----------------]
[PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any more children? BEEEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "Thank you! What is this child's age? BEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "This child is 4,233 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[---------------------END LOOP -----------------------]
My wife, upon noticing that the answering machine had been going for
over half an hour, turned up the volume to find out what was going on.
When she discovered this endless loop (by now she had over 200 children,
all over 1,000 years old), she switched off the answering machine. The
computer never called again.
115----------------------------------------------------
I had a friend who liked to play with the phones. He got his girlfriend
to sound like an operator and make a tape saying:
"I'm sorry, the number that has dialed you is not in service. Will
you please hang up and let it dial again...<crackle> I'm sorry, the..."
He had a lot of fun calling people up and playing it.
116----------------------------------------------------
I once answered the phone as follows.
" San Luis Obispo Police, Sergeant McCallahan here, may I help you?"
After about five seconds of dead air, I heard a click. About five minutes
later, the phone rang again. This time my roomate answered. It was the same
person that had called a few minutes earlier. It turned out that the long
delay between calls was due to the fact that he had to mooch a quarter for his
next call. He was at a public phone booth and had used his last quarter to
call us. I don't think he talked civil to me for a week...
117----------------------------------------------------
My grandmother had been bothered by calls coming in after midnight,
waking her, and forcing her out of bed and across the house to answer.
Invariably, they were from the same man, seemingly slightly intoxicated,
with bar-crowd noises in the background. He wanted to speak to Peggy,
whoever that was, and my grand mother would tell him there was no Peggy
living there, and that he must have the wrong number. But he wouldn't
believe her, and kept insisting, begging, pleading, etc. to talk to
Peggy. My Grandmother would have to just hang up finally.
This went on for a few days, and late one night, when the phone rang,
my Grandfather held back his wife, and said, "I'll take care of this", and
got out of bed to answer the phone. The ensuing conversation was short and
quick, and went something like this:
"Hello?"
"Hello, Can I speak to Peggy?"
"No, I'm sorry, she can't come to the phone right now-- she's nursing
the baby."
118----------------------------------------------------
Here's my favorite, for calling large offices and idiots-in-general:
"Hello, is this the person to whom I am speaking?"
119----------------------------------------------------
My solution is upon realizing that I'm talking with a "telemarketing
representative", I ask: "Are you a telemarketer?" The answer
(suprisingly) is usually yes. I then go into a sales pitch to
sell a (nonexistant) telephone ear-cusion.
I insist that every telemarketer must have one for safety and comfort.
Eventually, they'll forget to try selling me anything.
120----------------------------------------------------
A recent posting by Duke McMullan requested ways to repel telephone
solicitors. My friend Pepe Tres from Texas told me this one and gave
permission to post it:
"My time is billed at $125 per hour. To continue this
conversation, I must have your MasterCard or Visa number, card
type and date of expiration."
Pepe says it usually leaves them speechless. One guy replied, "Hey,
that's good; I'll have to remember it." Once a supervisor of
telephone solicitors called back and asked him if he was "some kind of
high-powered lawyer."
121----------------------------------------------------
Everybody gets and dials wrong numbers. It's good to be nice about it. What
goes around comes around, right? so, I try to reassure the apologetic and
embarrassed wrong dialers that will actually converse once the error is
discovered, with it going something like this:
caller w. wrong number: "Gee, I'm sorry..."
me: "That's OK, I was going to pick up the phone anyway.."
122----------------------------------------------------
How about the 'Fraudian Slip Answer'? Like this:
<Whoever> here. What can I do to-----I MEAN-----FOR you?
123----------------------------------------------------
Try the following next time the phone rings:
You (when you answer): Hello, is Jimmy there?
Caller: No, I'm afraid you have a wrong number.
You: Oh. Sorry.
Caller: No problem... (click)
124----------------------------------------------------
(Use a strong east Indian accent)
Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of (...).
I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and
which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of
the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when
the stars align properly.
Oooooommmmmmmmmmmmm...
125
(heavy panting and breathing in the background), Oh! Sorry,
I can't come (Oh! Yes! Do it to me) to the (Oh!) phone right
now (pant pant), leave your name and number at the
(scream) (I'm gonna come!!!!!) orgasm.
126
(1) "Hello, this is Ron. (pause) Hello? Hello!!? Nah, just
kidding. This is an answering machine. (etc.)"
127
(2) "Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a
message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil." (background noise -
open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) "OK, what would you like me
to tell me?"
128
Also, something you might do after you've had the machine for a few
months is start answering in person with "Hello, this is a live
voice." (Variation on a theme by "The Cosby Show".) Or you could try
answering your own phone with "Hello, is Ron there?"
129
I actually did this once when a call came in at an inopportune moment:
I picked up the phone, said "Hi, this is Chris. I can't come to the phone
right now, so please leave a message after the tone. -EEEEE-" -- that
last being a tone-like sound - and the caller proceeded to leave name,
phone number, and message, and hang up. I went back to what I'd been
doing.
Before I bought an answering machine, I thought I didn't need
one. Then I started thinking up possible messages, and before
long I had bought an answering machine just so I could put my
messages on it. Here they are. There are plenty of them...
______________
130
Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a
family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep
and whoever wins will call you right back.
131
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it!
Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about
it!... Don't...!
132
Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the persona and private telephone
number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of
the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union
of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the
Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First
Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet
Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the
Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of
the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike.
133
The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave
your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to
invade, and the secret password.
134
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please
rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
135
Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a
moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and
number and I'll be thinking about it...
136
Hi! You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine.
This is the Nineties. You know what to do.
137
I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So
please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower
today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave
a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in
person.
138
Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet
parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've
got to get him to the bathroom. Uh-oh! (Sound of a paper bag
exploding.)
139
(After a power outage:) Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is
that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my
answering machine. So, leave a message.
140
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave
your name and number, I'll be right with you.
141
Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.
142
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in
the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the
toast is done.... (Cachunk!)
143
You've reached the S&M hotline. All our operators are tied up
right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of
transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you
with your penance.
144
Thank you for calling Robert's House of Love. All of our
customer service representatives are, er... busy servicing
customers, so at the sound of the erotic tone, leave your name,
number, and a short description of whatever turns you on...
145
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go
on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to
say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've
decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my
caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long
answering machine message when you call me...
146
Hi, dudes, this is 229-3053, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles'
secret underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now
on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering
machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to
April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think
of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and
we'll ring you right back. But don't say anything yet! Enemy
agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they're
not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can
speak freely.
147
These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.
148
Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.
__________________________
149
Dial some number at random. Ask: "May I speak to Kevin? Oh, wrong number?
Could you please tell him that his pizza is ready?". Hang up.
Dial the same number again 15 minutes later. In a different voice: "May I
speak to Kevin? Oh, wrong number? Could you please tell him that John
called?". Hang up.
Repeat 10 times. On the eleventh: "Hi, this is Kevin. Did I get any
messages?"
____________________________
150
Dial a number. "Hello, this is your local telephone station speaking. We
are sorry to tell you but we are having a terrible fire here at the
station. The fire cannot be controlled, it is spreading over telephone
cables and will reach your house in 5 minutes. So, if you don't want to
burn down your house, hurry up and take your
telephone receiver and throw it into a bucket of cold water!"
Sometimes it works, and people do throw their receivers into water. It is
especially amusing to play this joke on the people whom you intend to visit
later in the day. That way you can come and inspect the damage.
___________________________
151
"Hello, this is your local Zoo speaking. Do you like animals? We are
experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow
us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower?"
The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbour's bathroom is
bigger and better equipped to handle elephants."
_______________________
152
When you knock on somebody's door and they ask "Who is there?", a good reply
is "And who is THERE?"
________________________
153
Hello, this is Lee Iacoca. Today we are soliciting money for the United Negro
College Fund, because a mind is a terrible thing... and they should be
stopped before they hurt somebody. So please leave your credit card number
after the beep. Thank you for your help.
_______________________________
154
I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an
answering machine, maybe its a dream or maybe its an illusion and you don't
really exist. One way to find out, leave a message and if its reality I will
call you back.
+---------------------------------+-------------------------------------------+
| Adam B. Wells | Harvey Mudd College, Claremont, CA |
| awells@jarthur.claremont.edu | "I'm too sexy for my .sig ..." |
+---------------------------------+-------------------------------------------+
--
|R. Andracsek | andra@cs.widener.edu | Voice (215)447-0412
| Coach:"Do you think losing is funny?!?"
| Player:"Not at first, but once you get the hang of it..."
| ---The Mighty Ducks
english.176duke,
-> #174, dejanr
││The Witty Answering Machine Message List
Jedan beogradski telefon na poziv odgovara onom melodijom
"Ciganska je tuga pregolema,
što me zoveš kad me kući nema".
Pozdrav, Vlado
english.177petkovicd,
-> #174, dejanr
Evo jedan mali primer kako radi sekretarica vecine taxi stanica.
uses crt;
begin
clrscr;
repeat
writeln('Dobili ste ***** taxi.Molim sacekajte !');
delay(500);
until keypressed;
repeat
writeln('TU TUUU');
delay(500);
until false
end.
Drugarica mi je pricala da je neka devojka odlazila sa zurke i startuje
program sa zeljom da krene taksijem kuci.I krene tako ono:
Dobili ste ***** taxi.Molim sacekajte !
Ona se jednom zahvali.
Dobili ste ***** taxi.Molim sacekajte !
Hvala.
Dobili ste ***** taxi.Molim sacekajte !
Hvala.
.
.
I posle ko zna kog puta ljudi shvate da nesto nije u redu neki pocnu i da
se smeju i devojka ljupko konstatuje:
"Ljubazan neki covek !"
english.178dejanr,
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 93 3:20:03 EST
Subject: It's everywhere you want to be
From: theobald@duke.cs.mcgill.ca (Kevin THEOBALD)
Keywords: topical, chuckle, offensive, original
[Footage of bombings in Sarajevo, gun battles, etc.:]
"Bosnia-Herzegovina continues to be ravaged by the worst fighting
in Europe since World War II. Rebel forces besieging Sarajevo
are mercilessly bombing the city to rubble as the terrified
population faces the prospect of mass starvation. In areas under
Serbian control, soldiers ruthlessly sweep through neighborhoods
and kill or expel all Muslims under the policy known as "ethnic
cleansing." The less-fortunate Bosnians are sent to Nazi-like
concentration camps, where they are tortured and starved. Many of
the women in these camps are gang-raped daily by Serbian soldiers."
[Shot of angry-looking gunman at checkpoint pointing rifle at camera,
shaking his head:]
"But if you think THIS is bad, just wait 'til you see what happens to
you if you don't have your VISA card. Because in Yugoslavia, they
don't tolerate ethnic diversity, and they DON'T take American Express!"
english.180dejanr,
From: tchrist@pixel.convex.com (Tom Christiansen)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: "I wanna be a gynecologist!"
Keywords: smirk, sexual
A young man is having his teeth cleaned by his dentist. The dentist
asks, "So tell me, son, what do you what to be when you grow up?"
The adolescent gets a big canary-eating grin on his face and says
with a glint in his eye, "I'm going to be a gynecologist -- it's
got awesome fringe benefits."
The dentist rubs his chin and responds, "You know, that might not
be a very good idea. I spend all day in people's mouths, and when
I come home from work, I don't even want to *kiss* my wife."
--tom
--
english.181ndragan,
-> #180, dejanr/ be a very good idea. I spend all day in people's mouths, and when
/ I come home from work, I don't even want to *kiss* my wife."
Priča se za jednog ovdašnjeg ginekologa da je morao da odradi 16 sati u
komadu kad je kolega iz druge smene slomio nogu. Nakon druge smene
svrati u 'Lokomotivu' na duplu ljutu. Naiđe neka cigančica: "ej,
gospodin, daa m' daš 100 dinara da ti pokažem pi*ku".
"Evo ti 200 samo da ne moram da je gledam"
english.182korvin,
Evo jedan hispano-engleski vic. Treba ga pričati sa jakim meksičkim
naglaskom (a la brzi gonzales):
Did I tell ou story about my friend Pedro Pistolero ?
One day I met my friend pedro Pistolero. He told me:
- Amigo, you are my friend, eat a shit !
Pedro had gun, so I ate it. Tommorow, I met my friend Pedro Pistolero
again. I told him:
-Pedro, ou are my friend eat a shit.
So, because I got a gun he ate it. Day after, I met my friend Pedro
again. He had a gun I had a gun. So, we have a lunch together.
english.183inesic,
-> #182, korvin> -Pedro, ou are my friend eat a shit.
istim naglaskom
-Pedro, I kill people for money, byt you are my friend, I will kill you
for nothing.
english.184ssokorac,
Sin piše pismo ocu, tražeći pare:
No mon', no fun. Your Son.
Odgovor:
So bad, so sad. Your Dad.
english.185dvidovic,
Iraqi Bingo: B-52... F-16... M-1... F-18... F-117...
english.186dejanr,
Real software engineers don't read dumps. They never generate them,
and on the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely
amused.
Real software engineers don't comment their code. The identifiers are so
mnemonic they don't have to.
Real software engineers don't write applications programs, they implement
algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help
with, that's nice. Don't ask them to write the user interface, though.
Real software engineers eat quiche.
If it doesn't have recursive function calls, real software engineers don't
program in it.
Real software engineers don't program in assembler. They become queasy at the
very thought.
Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. This
process doesn't necessarily involve executing anything on a computer, except
perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
Real software engineers like C's structured constructs, but they are suspicious
of it because they have heard that it lets you get "close to the machine."
Real software engineers play tennis. In general, they don't like any sport
that involves getting hot and sweaty and gross when out of range of a shower.
(Thus mountain climbing is Right Out.) They will occasionally wear their
tennis togs to work, but only on very sunny days.
Real software engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and Spartan purity,
but they find it difficult to actually program in. They don't tell this to
their friends, because they are afraid it means that they are somehow Unworthy.
Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is
described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an
undocumented external procedure.
Real software engineers write in languages that have not actually been
implemented for any machine, and for which only the formal spec (in BNF) is
available. This keeps them from having to take any machine dependencies
into account. Machine dependencies make real software engineers very uneasy.
Real software engineers don't write in ADA, because the standards bodies have
not quite decided on a formal spec yet.
Real software engineers like writing their own compilers, preferably in
PROLOG (they also like writing them in unimplemented languages, but it turns
out to be difficult to actually RUN these).
Real software engineers regret the existence of COBOL, FORTRAN and BASIC.
PL/I is getting there, but it is not nearly disciplined enough; far too
much built in function.
Real software engineers aren't too happy about the existence of users,
either. Users always seem to have the wrong idea about what the
implementation and verification of algorithms is all about.
Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and greasy
hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any moment. They have
a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that systems could be virtual
at ALL levels. They would like personal computers (you know no one's going
to trip over something and kill your DFA in mid-transit), except that they
need 8 megabytes to run their Correctness Verification Aid packages.
Real software engineers think better while playing WFF 'N' PROOF.
[TFERI3::UEL007E2B "David Vrtin"]
english.187dejanr,
-< Net Laws >-
First Law: Netlag is the Lowest Common Denominator.
Second Law: When you need to be Somewhere, You Can't Get There.
Third Law: The Sysop is Actually a Minion of Evil.
Fourth Law: When Sysop is Unavailable, all usually goes Well.
Fifth Law: You Will Never Have Enough Quota.
Sixth Law: Net Lag and the Need to Be Somewhere have equal and opposite
reactions.
Seventh Law: The Internet is Habit Forming, and May be Hazardous to Your
Health.
Eighth Law: The use of Internet Services while under the infuence of
School could result in loss of Sleep.
Ninth Law: 2 + 2 = 3.9999999999999999999999999999999
Tenth Law: When All Else Fails, Kick.
Eleventh Law: Netsex is Frustrating.
Twelfth Law: If Law 11 is Not You, you are Sysop Material.
Thirteenth Law: Always Wear a Virtual Condom When Engaging in Questionable
Acts With Strange Computers.
Thirteenth Law (b) When a Virtual Condom is unavailable for use, Type
Carefully.
Fourteenth Law: Always Remember, Your Existence Depends on the Electric
Company.
Fifteenth Law: (Modem Users Only) In an Electrical Storm, turn off your
computer unless its a matter of Life, Death, or Net Sex.
Fifteenth Law (b) Disregard if the Computer is Owned by Someone Else.
Fifteenth Law (c) Completely Disregard if Computer is University Owned;
they'll replace it anyways.
Sixteenth Law: Smilies :) are Universal.
Seventeenth Law: *Hugs* are Freely Exchangable for Other *hugs*
Seventeenth Law (b) However, *snugs* and *hugs* are Not Interchangable.
Seventeenth Law (c) *Snugs* are Exchangable for othe *snugs* only if
you can disregard Law Eleven. 6 more lines... Notes>
Eighteenth Law: Never Pee On Your Computer.
Nineteenth Law: On a BBS, MU*, and so forth, If You are Female, you will
be Hit On.
Twentieth Law: Real Life and Virtual Life Don't Mix.
(c) Dolfyn & Resident Lunatic :)
[TFERI3::UEL007E2B "David Vrtin"]
english.188dejanr,
Subject: And the Twelve Bugs of Christmas ....For the first bug of Christmas,
my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.For the second bug of Christmas, my manager
said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.For the third bug of Christmas, my manager
said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager
said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump 79 more lines...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump 49 more lines... Notes>
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
english.189nestor,
Dear friend,
I hope when you not receive this letter
Time will take you out to read it,
It has been so good not seeing you around
I remember with fond memories things we never did
And I still have all the gifts you never gave to me
Sometimes I sit in the dark with the lights on
And laugh to myself all the times you have made me cry
Right now I am wishing that you where here
And I was someplace else,
Remember that picture you never gave to me
Well I lost it,
You are always never on my mind
I miss you very little
You mean so less to me
Eversince we never met my days have been so much brighter
You are a dream I can do without
I am always dreaming of everybody but you
I see you walking down the street backwards
And I wave to other people
I will never stop not thinking about you
I hope you receive this letter
I have no intention if mailing
Love always
Somebody who hates you
Or vice versa
Or vice versa
Dr. Willie Pietri
english.190duke,
-> #184, ssokorac││ Sin piše pismo ocu, tražeći pare:
││ No mon', no fun. Your Son.
││
││ Odgovor:
││ So bad, so sad. Your Dad.
Ili ovako:
"IZ DNEVNIKA JEDNOG OCA
18. 6.
Danas mi je tražio pare za more. Nisam dao. Svađali se. Nisam dao.
19. 6.
Opet mi je tražio pare za more. Nisam dao. Svađali se. Nisam dao.
Pretio. Nisam dao.
20. 6.
Tražio pare za more. Nisam dao. Pretio. Nisam dao. Tukao. Dao sam."
english.191darone,
-> #190, duke>> ││ So bad, so sad. Your Dad.
>> "IZ DNEVNIKA JEDNOG OCA
Mislim da sam ostavljao već, al za novajlije.
Pismo oca sa sela sinu u gradu, između ostalog:
"Dragi sine, šaljem ti onih petsto dinara koje si
mi tražio u prošlom pismu. I zapamti, petsto se
piše sa dve nule, a ne sa tri!"
(: darone :)
english.192ndragan,
-> #191, darone/ "Dragi sine, šaljem ti onih petsto dinara koje si
Dragi sine, šaljem ti ovih petsto dinara da ne zna nana, a ovih drugih
500 ti šalje nana da ne znam ja.
english.193kuki,
Evo jednog vica sa vax-a :)
<<< DUA0:[NOTES$LIBRARY]VICEVI.NOTE;1 >>>
-< VICEVI >-
===============================================================================
=
Note 107.18 vicevi na engleskom sa rec.humor.funny 18 of
18
UBBG::EMALENOV "NIKOLA MALENOVIC, malenovi@plains." 417 lines 17-MAR-1993
09:21
-< Unix Unix to je prava stvar, ko ne voli Unix, kill -9... >-
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
<<< UEK::$4$DUS0:[NOTES$LIBRARY]JOKES.NOTE;1 >>>
-< Jokes and funny texts >-
===============================================================================
=
Note 295.1 Computer 1 of
8
TFERI3::UEL007E2B "David Vrtin" 410 lines 5-MAR-1993
18:56
-< VAXORCIST >-
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
Remember how much fun you had upgrading your systems to VMS V5.0?
Well, you had it easy......
THE VAXORCIST
-------------
A rough draft of a video presentation
by Christopher Russell
Operations Manager, Dept of Mechanical Engineering
University of Maryland
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
(SCENE: Inside of a VAX computer room. CREDITS ROLL as the SYSMGR is
sitting in front of the console terminal, typing. He pauses, picks up a
small magnetic tape, walks over to a tape drive, mounts it, and returns to
the console where he continues typing.)
(There is a knock at the door. SYSMGR walks to the door and opens it,
revealing USER.)
USER: Any idea when the system will be up?
SYSMGR: Well, I just installed version 5.0 of VMS, so I'm going to run
some diagnostics on it overnight to make sure it works alright. Assuming
everything goes alright, the system should be up first thing tomorrow
morning.
USER: Great. Thanks. (Exits)
(SYSMGR closes the door and returns to the console.)
ROD SERLING-LIKE VOICE: This is John Smith, University of Maryland System
Manager. In an effort to make his system the best it can be, he has just
installed VMS Version 5.0 onto his VAX. But little does he know that the
Version 5 documentation kit from Digital includes a one-way ticket to ...
the VMS TWILIGHT ZONE!
(ominous music - fade out)
(Fade in. The SYSMGR scans the console for a moment, then turns, picks up
his coat and walks to the door. He stops at the door for a moment, looking
back at the big machine. Finally, he turns out the light and exits,
closing the door behind him.)
(Cut to the Console Terminal. We read the following as it is printed on
the console terminal:)
VMS V5.0 DIAGNOSTICS --
DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 1 STARTING...
DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 1 FINISHED SUCCESSFULLY.
DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 2 STARTING...
TESTING MICROCODE ... SUCCESSFUL
TESTING DECNET ... SUCCESSFUL
TESTING LICENSE MANAGEMENT UTILITY ... SUCCESSFUL
TESTING SYSTEM SERVICES ... SUCCESSFUL
TESTING HIGHLY EXPERIMENTAL AND COMPLETELY UNDOCUMENTED AI ROUTINE ...
(Cut to view of the Tape in the Tape drive. The tape spins for a moment,
and suddenly stops.)
(Cut to view of the Machine Room. A fog has begun drifting across the
floor, and the hardware is slowly being backlit by a pulsing red light.
A peal of weird laughter cuts through the silence. A variety of bizarre
things occur: A VT100 monitor sitting on a table slowly rotates 360
degrees; the tape drive opens and tape begins spewing out of it; slime
begins pouring out of a disk drive; the line printer begins form-feeding
like mad. These continue for several minutes, or for as long as we can
keep them up. FADE OUT)
(SCENE: Hallway outside of the computer room. SYSMGR walks up to the door
and is met by USER.)
USER: System going to be up soon?
SYSMGR: (as he speaks, he tries to open the Machine room door, but the
door is apparently stuck.) The diagnostics should be done by now, so we
should be up in about 15 minutes... (he succeeds in opening the door, but
is confronted by floor to ceiling magnetic tape. Tangled at about eye
level is an empty tape reel. SYSMGR takes the reel and looks at it. CLOSE
UP of the reel so we can read the label, which reads: VAX/VMS V5.0
DIAGNOSTIC KIT.) (to USER) ...give or take a few days....
(SCENE: View of TSR (Telephone Support Rep) from behind as she is sitting
in a cubicle, a terminal in front of her. Beside her on the wall is a
poster which reads "Digital Has It Now - But You Can't Have It". We can
see the terminal, but we should not be able to read what is on it. She is
wearing a headset.)
TSR: Colorado Customer Support. What is your access number, please?
SYSMGR VOICE: 31576
TSR: And your name?
SYSMGR VOICE: John Smith.
(Cut to SYSMGR standing beside his console. He his holding a phone to his
head with his right hand, and holding a printout in his left which he is
perusing while he talks on the phone.)
TSR VOICE: And what operating system are you using?
SYSMGR: VMS version 5.
TSR VOICE: And is this a problem with the operating system or a layered
product?
(As the SYSMGR looks up from the printout, his eyes suddenly widen and
he drops the printout and ducks. At that second, a disk platter flies
through the air where his head just was. Slowly, SYSMGR stands up and
looks to where the disk went. PAN BACK to reveal a stack of boxes with a
disk embedded in one of them at neck height.)
SYSMGR: (into the phone) Operating System. Definitely the Operating System.
(Cut back to TSR sitting at her desk.)
TSR: Can you describe the problem, please?
(SYSMGR voice can now only be heard as mumbling)
TSR: Yes... Tape drive spewing tape into the air... yes... Line printers
printing backwards... yes... miscellaneous hardware flying through the
air... uh huh... disk drives melting... yeah... strange voices coming from
the CPU board... I see... yes. Is that all? (pause as she finishes typing
at the terminal) Well, I'm afraid that that team is busy at the moment,
can I have them get back to you?
(CUT TO SCENE: MANAGER sitting behind a large desk in a plush office.
DEVELOPER is pacing in front of him, hands behind his back.)
(SUBTITLE: Meanwhile at Maynard...)
MANAGER: So tell me! What the hell happened?!
DEVELOPER: (turning to face MANAGER) It's a glitch, a fluke. A one in a
billion chance. And it's not Development's fault. Not really.
MANAGER: Then who's fault is it?
DEVELOPER: We traced it back to the Software Distribution Center. It
seems that there was a mixup and some of the code for the experimental AI
routine was copied onto the distribution from the wrong optical disk. (He
removes a CD from his jacket) This one, to be precise.
MANAGER: And what's that?
DEVELOPER: (reading the label) "Ozzy Osbourne's Greatest Hits".
Normally, it wouldn't have made any difference, as the AI routine isn't
used yet. But when they began running diagnostics, it hit the routine and
the computer just sort of became a thing possessed.
MANAGER: Wonderful. Were any other distributions affected?
DEVELOPER: No, just the University of Maryland's.
MANAGER: Well, that's a relief. We've got to get them taken care of
before anyone finds out. Can you imagine what Digital Review would do
if they heard about this?
DEVELOPER: We could always blame it on the Chaos Computer Group.
MANAGER: No, we've already used that one. This calls for drastic action.
(MANAGER picks up the phone and begins flipping through the rolodex)
DEVELOPER: Who are you going to send?
(CUT to the Rolodex so that we can read the cards. The first card reads:
SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Ron Jankowski, x474
he flips to the next card:
BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Bob Candless, x937
he flips to the next card:
REALLY BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Michelle French, x365
he flips to the next card
OUTRAGEOUSLY BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Mike West, x887
he flips to the next card and taps the card with forefinger:
SYSTEM FUCKED UP BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION - The VAXorcist, x666
(CUT to Machine Room. SYSMGR is standing by the console holding
an RA60 disk cover and using it as a shield to defend himself from various
pieces of hardware which are flying at him from off-camera. There is
a knock at the door. Slowly, SYSMGR makes his way to the door and opens
it. Standing there, backlit amidst outrageous amounts of fog is the
VAXORCIST, wearing a trench coat and fedora, and carrying a briefcase.)
VAXORCIST: (in a hushed voice) DEC sent me. I hear you're having some
problems.
(CUT to SYSMGR OFFICE, a small but pleasant office with posters on the
walls and clutter on the desk. As the VAXORCIST enters, he removes his
coat and hat, revealing a very techie outfit beneath. He is wearing a DEC
badge.)
SYSMGR: (Frantic) Problems? Problems?!? You could say I'm having some
problems. 4.6 was fine. 4.7 was fine. I install 5.0 and all Hell breaks
loose. The damn thing ate two of my operators this morning!
VAXORCIST: Calm down, everything will be alright. I've dealt with
situations like this before.
SYSMGR: You have?
VAXORCIST: Four years ago at an installation in Oregon, a programmer
renamed his Star Trek program to VMB.EXE and copied it into the system
directory. When the system was rebooted the next day it phasored the
entire accounting department claiming that they were Klingon spies. There
was a similar problem in Texas three years ago, and then, of course, there
was the IRS fiasco that we're not allowed to talk about. But don't worry.
These things can be fixed. Before I can help you, though, I have to ask
you a few questions. (The VAXorcist opens his briefcase and removes a
clipboard) Now, according to the report, the strange occurences began after
you installed VMS Version 5, is that correct?
SYSMGR: Yes, that's correct.
VAXORCIST: Now, did you carefully read the Installation Guide for VMS
Version 5?
SYSMGR: (confused) Installation Guide?
VAXORCIST: Yes, it should have come with the Release Notes.
SYSMGR: (still confused) Release Notes? (SYSMGR begins rooting about on
his disk, shifting papers around as if he might find them underneath)
VAXORCIST: (annoyed) Yes, Release Notes. They should have come with your
documentation upgrade.
SYSMGR: (completely confused - looks up from his rooting through the
papers on his desk) Documentation upgrade?
VAXORCIST: (angry) YES! The Documentation upgrade for your VMS
Documentation Set!
SYSMGR: Documentation S...? Oh, you mean the grey binders? They're over
there. (he points to the wall behind the VAXORCIST. The VAXORCIST turns
and we see a closed glass-front bookcase packed with grey binders. A small
red sign on the front of the bookcase reads: "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, BREAK
GLASS").
VAXORCIST: Right. This is going to be tougher than I thought. Let's go
take a look at your system and see just how bad everything is.
(CUT to the Machine Room. The room is neat and tidy and there is no sign
that anything is wrong. The VAXORCIST enters the room with the SYSMGR
behind him.)
VAXORCIST: Everything looks okay to me.
SYSMGR: Maybe it's hibernating.
VAXORCIST: Unlikely. It's probably trying to lure us into a false sense
of security.
SYSMGR: Sounds like VMS alright. (VAXORCIST gives him a dirty look)
VAXORCIST: I'm going to have to test it's power. This could get ugly, you
may want to leave. (The SYSMGR shakes his head no. The VAXORCIST brings
hiself up to full height in front of the VAX and points a finger at it)
By the power of DEC, I expel thee from this system! (Clap of thunder)
(CUT to door to the machine room. The SYSMGR is pulling a cart on which
sits the VAXORCIST wrapped from head to toe in magnetic tape)
SYSMGR: Any other bright ideas?
VAXORCIST: Just shut up and get this damn stuff off of me.
(CUT to SYSMGRs office)
VAXORCIST: (Writing on the clipboard) Things look pretty bad. I think
we're going to need a full-scale VAXorcism here.
SYSMGR: Is there anything I can do to help?
VAXORCIST: As a matter of fact, there is. We've got to incapacitate the
VAX to keep it from causing any more damage until I'm ready to deal with
it. Now, I've got some software here that will do that, but it's got to be
installed. (VAXORCIST hands SYSMGR a tape) With that running, the CPU
will be so bogged down, the VAX won't be able to harm anybody.
SYSMGR: (Examining the tape) What is it? A program to calculate pi to the
last digit?
VAXORCIST: Better than that. It starts up All-in-1 with a 10 user load.
(CUT to Hall outside of Computer Room. The VAXORCIST approaches the door.
As the SYSMGR approaches the door, the VAXORCIST holds him back.
VAXORCIST: I appreciate your help, but it won't be safe for you in there.
SYSMGR: What? You're going in there to face that thing alone? You're
nuts!
VAXORCIST: Hey, it's my job. (VAXORCIST turns to the door)
SYSMGR: Wait a minute. (VAXORCIST stops and turns around) You better
take this with you. (SYSMGR removes a very large and very nasty looking
gun from the inside of his jacket)
VAXORCIST: (Smiling) No, I won't need that. I've got something more
powerful. (VAXORCIST holds up a small guide-sized orange binder, opens it,
and shows it to SYSMGR. CUT to closeup of the book which reads: "GUIDE TO
VAX/VMS SYSTEM EXORCISM")
(CUT to view of Machine room door as seen by the VAX. The VAXORCIST enters
the room and stands in front of the VAX. CUT to view of the Machine Room
showing the SYSMGR confronting the VAX)
VAXORCIST: By the power of DEC, I command thee, Evil Spirit, to show
thyself.
VAX: Bugger off.
VAXORCIST: (Shaken) What?
VAX: I said Bugger off! Now get out of here before I core-dump all over
you!
VAXORCIST: (Recovered) Threaten me not, oh Evil one! For I speak with
the power of DEC, and I command thee to show thyself!
(A rumble is heard and again the VAX becomes backlit by red lights and a
fog begins to roll across the floor. The VAX cabinet doors slowly creak
open to reveal two small red lights in the dark cabinet which appear to be
the creature's eyes)
VAX: There. Happy? Now get out of here before I drop a tape drive on
your private parts.
VAXORCIST: (Opening the orange binder, he begins intoning SHUTDOWN.COM in
gregorian chant. The VAX screams.)
VAX: Stop that! Stop that! You, you DOS LOVER! Your mother manages RSX
systems in Hell!
(The VAXORCIST continues and the VAX screams again.)
VAX: Stop it! (a large wad of computer tape is thrown at the VAXORCIST,
apparently from the VAX). Eat oxide, bit-bucket breath!
(The VAXORCIST continues and the VAX screams once more.)
VAX: Mount me! Mount me!
VAXORCIST: (finishing the intonation) And now, by the power of DEC, I
banish thee back to the null-space from which you came! (The VAX screams
and the scream fades to silence.)
(CUT to the doorway of the Machine room, which now stands open. The
VAXORCIST is once again wearing his trench coat and fedora.)
SYSMGR: So it's over?
VAXORCIST: (Putting his hat on) Yes, it's over.
SYSMGR: (Shaking the VAXORCISTs hand) Thank God. Listen, thanks a lot. I
don't know what we would have done without you.
VAXORCIST: Hey, it's the least we could do. The Software Distribution
Center should be sending you a patch tape in a week or two to patch out
that AI routine and prevent this from happening again. Sign here. (he
hands SYSMGR the clipboard, SYSMGR signs at the bottom and hands it back)
Have a good one. (VAXORCIST leaves).
(SYSMGR enters the machine room. Camera follows him in.)
SYSMGR: (Calling to someone off-camera) Okay, you guys, let's get
rolling. Get those backup tapes out. We've got a clean system again!
(cheers are heard from off-camera. The SYSMGR leaves the picture, leaving
only the VAX with it's cabinet doors still open in the picture. Slow zoom
in to the LSI unit. Slowly, the LSI unit begins to emit a pulsing red
glow)
(Fade to black. CREDITS ROLL)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (C) 1991 by Christopher Russell (crussell@eng.umd.edu). Please
feel free to copy this and pass it around if it amuses you, as long as
this notice is left intact.
Any similarity between characters appearing in this script and any persons,
creatures, or entities living, dead, or otherwise is purely coincidental.
I am no longer an employee of the University of Maryland, so I'm not
particularly bothered if you think that they are responsible for any of
this. Unless it's funny, then it's mine.
Thanks to my friends and colleagues at the University of Maryland and
elsewhere for their help and encouragement in the developement of the
script and the video.
english.196ratman,
What did Pablo Picasso and Queen Elisabeth III have in common?
They've both had BLUE PERIOD.
english.197dejanr,
NAME
sex - have sex
SYNOPSIS
sex [ options ] ... [ username ] ...
DESCRIPTION
sex allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) speci-
fied in the command line. If no users are specified, they
are taken from the LOVERS environment variable. Options to
make things more interesting are as follows:
-1 masturbate
-a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option
-b buggery
-B<animal>
bestiality with <animal>
-c chocolate sauce option
-C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W)
-d<file>
get a date with the features described in <file>
-e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net)
-f foreplay option
-F nasal sex with plants
-i coitus interruptus (messy!)
-j jacuzzi option (California sites only)
-l leather option
-m masochism (see -s)
-M triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option
-n necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program
kills it)
-o oral option
-O parallel access (orgy)
-p debug option (proposition only)
-P pedophilia (must specify a child process)
-q quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am)
-s sadism (target must set -m)
-S sundae option
-v voyeurism (surveys the entire net)
-w whipped cream option
-W whips (see also -s, -C, and -m)
ENVIRONMENT
LOVERS
is a list of default partners which will be used if
none are specified in the command line. If any are
specified, the values in LOVERS is ignored.
FILES
/usr/lib/sex/animals animals for bestiality
/usr/lib/sex/blackbook possible dates
/usr/lib/sex/sundaes sundae recipes
/usr/lib/sex/s&m sado-masochistic equipment
BUGS
^C (quit process) may leave the user very unsatisfied.
^Z (stop process) is usually quite messy.
MAN AUTHOR
Author prefers to be anonymous.
HISTORY
Oldest program ever.
[BUEFQ5::ZIGIC_67291D "Slaviša Žigic RTI ETF Beograd"
english.198lord.pilot,
There's only one thing to do with temptation...
...Yield to it !
(c) Oscar Wilde
english.199dejanr,
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: rh@smds.com (Richard Harter)
Subject: Creationism FAQ
These are smilies :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
Use them liberally where indicated.
- ----------------------------------------------------
WARNING FOR THE HUMOR IMPAIRED -- THIS IS SATIRE
There has been a considerable call for a Creationist FAQ, which
doesn't seem to be forthcoming in any great hurry. In the interests
of facilitating matters I have decided to jump the gun and provide
a provisional Creationist FAQ. Regard this as a provisional effort;
I am not an expert in these matters and may have erred in a few small
details. Criticisms and suggestions for improvement are welcome.
Speculations on my private life will be met with dignified silence.
Q: What is the principle evidence for Creationism?
A: The Holy Bible, of course. After all, is it likely that the author
of the Universe would be mistaken about its age?
Q: But isn't the Bible religion and not science?
A: Truth is truth. It's a poor sort of science that ignores truth.
Q: But isn't there a lot of evidence for evolution?
A: Not really, most of it is from university professors writing papers
for each other. If they didn't write papers they wouldn't have jobs.
Q: How big was Noah's ark?
A: Big enough.
Q: But what about radioactive dating?
A: Hey, everybody knows that stuff is bad for you. Stick with good
Christian girls.
Q: What about the fossil evidence?
A: The real fossils are university professors writing papers for each
other.
Q: Is there any other evidence for Creationism besides the Bible?
A: Yes.
Q: Can you give us some?
A: Yes.
Q: Could you give us a specific example?
A: Yes.
Q: What be a specific example of evidence for Creationism?
A: I've already answered that question.
Q: What about the Antarctic ice core data?
A: Now I put it to you. Coop up a bunch of men in a Quonset hut in the
worst weather in the world, with nothing to do but gather data and
drink, and what do you expect?
Q: Did the dinosaurs coexist with man?
A: Look, the liberals were preaching coexistence with the Communists,
and you saw what happened to them.
Q: Should Creationism be taught along with Evolution in the schools?
A: Creationism should be taught instead of Evolution in the schools.
Q: Doesn't the Geologic Column prove that the Earth is very old?
A: The geologic column proves that some things are on top of other things
and some things are underneath other things. But we already knew that,
didn't we.
Q: Hasn't Evolution been demonstrated in the laboratory?
A: Students are demonstrating everywhere these days. To their shame,
many professors are demonstrating also.
Q: Aren't Hawiian wallabies an example of Evolution in action?
A: No.
Q: Why not?
A: Because they aren't.
Q: What is a kind?
A: A kind is cards of the same rank. Thus 4 aces and a king are four
of a kind, but four spades and a heart are not.
Q: Doesn't genetic variation indicate that life has been going on a long time?
A: Let's be up front about this. That's deviation, not variation, and yes,
there is a lot of deviancy out there. That just shows that there has been
a lot of Sin since the garden of Eden.
Q: What about Neanderthal Man?
A: Hey, you take one of those geezers and put him in tweeds and give him a
pipe and he could be a professor anywhere.
Q: Some scientists state that the earth's continents are drifting
around on top of a molten interior which has shaped life as we
see it now. Are they right?
A: As you well know the Bible says that beneath the surface of the
earth is Hell where there is eternal fires and brimstone. If
the continents appear to be moving around that is Satan's doing.
Q: Why do almost all of the scientists believe in Evolution?
A: The real scientists don't. As for the rest of them, that's a very good
question, isn't it?
Q: Are you talking about a Satanic conspiracy?
A: Did I say anything about a conspiracy? You might want to think about
the shape the world is in since the Evolutionists and the Liberal
Humanists captured academia and Evolution is hand in hand with Godless
Communism and crime in the streets but I certainly wouldn't want to
say anything about a Satanic conspiracy. I just want you to think
about it with an open mind.
english.200dejanr,
From: hausner@qucis.queensu.ca (Alejo Hausner)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Just _what_ is in them?
Keywords: smirk, true
Message-ID: <S55f.3ac@clarinet.com>
Date: 22 May 93 23:30:04 GMT
Lines: 15
Approved: funny@clarinet.com
I was enjoying a pack of Lowney's almond glosette's, which
are chocolate-covered almonds. Then an item in the list of
ingredients caught my attention:
"May contain peanuts"
That's like buying a Honda with a sticker that says
"May be a Hyundai".
Alejo (hausner@qucis.queensu.ca)
english.201dejanr,
From: W.J.Smith@bnr.co.uk (Bill Smith)
Subject: Hot Interfacing Tale
Below is a short story I wrote some years ago (notice the reference to Chad
- - does anyone know what it is anymore?).
A Sad Story
This is the story of Lexi Con (Lex for short).
Lex was feeling bored with life. He had tried everything, the first
in/first out technique, using a re-enterant driver, he had even tried
bottom up degeneration. So he decided to go to a baudy little place he
knew, which was frequented by Kernels and other types of executive.
Lex shortly arrived at ADA's place. He entered the bar and ordered a short
(beer might cause him to make too many shift lefts to the small node if he
didn't overflow first) and sat down at a hash table.
After a while Lex spied the supervisor. Ada purported to be of a new
generation but she looked as if she should have been archived years ago.
Ada wandered over wiggling her peripherals as she came. He wondered if her
upper quartiles were mainly silicon chips. "Core" he said, his stack was in
danger of popping up.
"Hello" she said, she was obviously a monadic operator.
Lex decided to pay her a two's compliment, "that's a nice two you've got
there."
"Would you like to return to my place for a byte?" she enquired.
Lex parsed her externals and decided it might be a new experience, "OK" he
acknowledged. If he could improve his input/output control he might achieve
a reasonable down time. They returned to her address.
"I must go in first to see if my husband Mark is here," she said.
"But won't he be working?" asked Lex.
"He's a redundant character" she replied and entered to do some Mark sensing.
She beckoned him in. In the corner was a strange bird. "That's an odd
parity?" he said.
But she said nothing and took him in a deadly embrace. She squeezed him so
hard he thought he might reach his breakpoint. She ran her digits over his
external variables. He could feel his mantissa was about to achieve double
length working. He wondered whether he might have an abnormal termination.
He pushed her away, "I must go for a soft dump first," he said, "where's
the job control terminal?"
"Later," she said and pulled him towards her, "do you practice recursive
entry?" she asked. So he placed his most significant digit on her entry
point only to find she had some virtual hardware. She was a transputer! He
uttered the vilest primitive he knew.
He pushed Ada away and left at a fast data rate. Just as well he hadn't
tried an overlay on the testbed.
Driving home he went through an asynchronous system trap and was terminated
by the police. The PCs approached him, "I've just been accosted by a
transputer" he told them. They thought he was simplex.
"Maybe he was bi-directional, sir" said PC Chad.
"No way," said Lex "he was completely duplex."
"That was probably Cathode Ray," said the PC, "you may well have contracted
a virus."
Subsequently Lex found his hard drive had been replaced by a floppy.
english.202dejanr,
From: loren@pixar.com (Loren Carpenter)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: GNU info
Keywords: smirk, true
Message-ID: <S562.6ac@clarinet.com>
Date: 26 May 93 08:30:02 GMT
Lines: 24
Approved: funny@clarinet.com
Copied verbatim from a sign at the San Diego Zoo...
Brindled Wildebeest or Gnu
Connochaetes taurinus taurinus
An African folk story says the wildebeest was
created last, from leftover parts of other animals.
Today we'd say it looks like it was put together by
a committee. When bothered, gnus even act like a
committee. They seem to run in all directions at
once, thrashing their heads and tails wildly.
Range: Southern Tanzania to South Africa
Habitat: Grasslands and open woodlands
Wild Diet: Grass, leaves, herbs
Zoo Diet: Alfalfa pellets, hay, leaves
Status: Stable; this subspecies is rare in zoos
english.203ndragan,
grafit iz jednog lifta u Mirijevu
fuck is nice
fuck is funny
many people fuck for money
if you think fuck is not funny
fuck yourself
and save your money
english.204darone,
-> #203, ndragan>> if you think fuck is not funny
>> fuck yourself
>> and save your money
If you want another brother
Put your mother on your father
(ili put your father in your mother ;)
darone
english.205didldi,
-> #204, darone:>>Put your mother on your father
^^^^
Ovo nije neophodno ;>>>
english.207darone,
-> #205, didldi>> :>>Put your mother on your father
>> ^^^^
>> Ovo nije neophodno ;>>>
Jeste, zbog slogova ;)
darone
english.209pavbok,
╔══════════════════════════╗
║ ║
║ Strangers in the night ║
║ ║
║ AIDS in the morning! ║
║ ║
╚══════════════════════════╝
english.211dejanr,
This is the most complete set of blonde jokes I have seen.
This is the updated version, with (I think) all duplications removed.
If you have a question, request for the jokes, duplication to point
out, or one you think should be included, mail hssm@menudo.uh.edu.
PLEASE, IF YOU COPY THIS OFF OF THE NET, PLEASE LEAVE MY NAME ON THE BOTTOM
SO THAT I KNOW HOW MANY ARE FLOATING AROUND, AND THAT I GET CREDIT FOR THE
THREE WEEKS AND MORE I SPENT ON IT.
THANK YOU.
Disclaimer: These are not my jokes, I only compiled them, any complaints
should be posted on rec.humor, or directed towards your local congressman.
Troy C. Belding
11/18/92
The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes
-----------------------------------
Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal
her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are
all in the middle row.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.
Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.
Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.
Q: Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped?
A: Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open.
Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A: It's too hard to re-train them.
Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A: "All the blondes have gone home!"
Q: What's a brunette's mating call ?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
Q: What is the brunette's mating call?
A: When is that blond bitch going to leave!?
Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on
Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds
her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange
juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.
Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless
Ming vase?
A "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)
Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she
has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.
Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!
Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.
Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.
Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling
idiots?
A: Flattered.
Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.
Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a
skinny blonde?
A: One's a phony buck.
Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and
a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.
Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.
Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.
Q: Why doesn't a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands?
A: Because the vaccum in her head keeps them in place.
Q: What's the difference between having sex with a blonde and
eating Jell-o?
A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A1: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.
A2: Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't
stop until it gets blood.
Q: Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses?
A: She was having sunny periods.
Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
A: When she farts, her knees bag.
Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.
Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan?
A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.
Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !
Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate
chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little
packet.
Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
A: To keep her ankles warm.
Q: How can you tell a blonde had a bad day?
A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what
she did with her cigarette.
Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A: Way to go team!
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator?
A: By the chipped tooth.
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.
Q: Why do blondes have vaginas?
A: So guys will talk to them at parties.
Q: Why does the blonde stand in front of a window during a
thunder storm?
A: She loves taking pictures (flashes, got it?).
Q: What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually
active?"
A: "No, I just lie there."
Q: What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning?
A: "Thanks, guys..."
Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air pockets.
Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain
surgery on a blonde?
A: "Space. The final frontier......"
Q: How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengals
team?
A: Just One... Boomer Esiason.
Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.
Q: What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner?
A: You don't, you see if you've got 3 condoms.
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto
Maple Leafs?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
A: She didn't know what ONE came first...
Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A1: Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers.
A2: Their mothers told them not with their mouths full.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole?
A: Divorced.
Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the
blow dryer!
Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
A: You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way.
Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering
what she did with her pencil.
Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the
bosses' faces.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression
in her forehead!
Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
A: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.
Q: What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a
blonde track team?
A: The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
Q: What is the difference between a crazy fighting hockey player
and a blonde?
A: He is fussy by nature and would go to any length to get a puck.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac,
and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says "Are you done already?"
The blonde says "Beige...I think I'll paint the
ceiling beige."
Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and
a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What is the difference between a blond and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a
blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball.
A3: There is no difference. They're both round and have
three holes to poke.
A4: You don't eat your bowling ball
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of
York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.
Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with
PMS?
A: Lipstick.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They're doing research on black holes.
Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every
month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell
if they're going to work or coming home.
Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.
Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a
flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don't know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.
Q: Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry?
A: Because you don't have to marry them for sex!
Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.
Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
A1: So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.
A2: So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A: *Who cares?*
Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them
Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.
Q: Why do blondes wear tampons?
A: Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too.
Q: Why do blondes drive VW's
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
Q: Why do blonds have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?
A: Wishful Thinking.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in front.
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.
Q: Why do blonds have orgasms ?
A: So they know when to stop having sex !
Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.
Q: Why do Blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax
now in effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."
Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A1: They can't remember the number.
A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.
Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini
skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!
Q: Why don't blonds breast feed?
A: Because they always burn their niples.
Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.
Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into
those little packages.
Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.
Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond?
A: Bucket seats.
Q: What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate
before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"
Q: What is the difference between a blond and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747
Q: What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A: A brunette with bad breath.
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart
blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10
bill. Who picks it up?
A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa
Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2: None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde thought
it was a gum wrapper.
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who
hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it
won't follow you around for a week.
Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.
Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a
recent car crash) and a blonde have in common?
A: Put either of 'em in a car and their fucked.
Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her
thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.
Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last years hide and go seek winner.
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.
Q: What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half
with yeast infections?
A: A whine and cheese party!
Q: What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp, and another blonde standing
on a street corner?
A: 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, not for a zillion f*cks, 4 f*cks!
Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.
Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.
Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An Air Bag.
Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher
learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their
head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.