english.212dejanr,
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ?
A: Sweet Fuck All...
Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A1: A golden retriever.
A2: An indicator of a really bad hangover.
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to
do...
Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes?
A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks,
four bucks.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they
go down on you.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more
attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the (..............)? insert team
name here.
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.
Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.
Q: What do a blonde and Presdient Gorbachev have in common?
A: They both got fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev?
A: He knows who the ten men were.
Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip
cookies?
A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
Q: What did the blonde's mum say to her before the blonde's date.
A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: Never mind that! What was she doing out of the bedroom?!?
R: I don't know.
A: Neither did she.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
A: Too many blondes were drowning.
Q: Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?
A: They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water.
Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.
Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.
Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.
Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said
"DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veternarian?
A: Because she loved children.
Q: Why did the blond take her typewriter to the doctor ??
A: She thought it was pregnant becaus missed a period.
Q: Why did they call the blond twinkie?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.
Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn
around and come home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was
a television.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just dyed her hair.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it
blown around too much.
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her
jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little
packet.
Q: How can you tell a blonde had a bad day?
A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what
she did with her cigarette.
Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A: Way to go team!
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
Q: WHATS THE DIFFERANCE BETWEEN A FRIDGE AND A FANNY?
A: A FRIDGE DOSN'T FART WHEN YOU TAKE THE MEAT OUT.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q: What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
A: Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).
Q: What is the blonde's favorite battery?
A: Ever-ready.
Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon?
A: A vacant posession.
Q: What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually
active?"
A: "No, I just lie there."
Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
A: She didn't know what ONE came first...
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole?
A: Divorced.
Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the
blow dryer!
Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
A: You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way.
Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a ood night.
Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers license ?
A: She wasn't used to the front seat!
Q: Why did she finally pass her test?
A: She took the examiner with her
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!
Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
Q: How do you know when a blond's been in your frige?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!
Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win
Q: Why are blondes so sexually promiscuous?
A: Who cares
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About 2 cans of hair spray
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor
Q: What did the Blonde get on her A.C.T.?
A: Nail polish!
(Appendix: For those of you who are Brits, the A.C.T. is a
College entrance examination. Highest score possible is 36. Average
is about 18-20, I think.)
(Visual Joke)
Q: What did the blonde say when she tried driving stick for the first
time?
A: "How do you shift this thing?" (you make jacking off motions)
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.
Q: What's the difference between a lesbian finger-fucking a blonde
and a Schwinn at the side of the road?
A: One's a bike in a ditch, and the other's . . . .
Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin
Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q: Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net bandwidth?
A: Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the
Blonde Joke List.
Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A1: The Blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.
Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been
picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of
Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?
A: A blond electrician
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde ????
A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!
Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was
still stuck.
Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the
air?
A: She missed.
Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.
Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg.
A: Nothing - they've never met.
Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
A: She can't say "No".
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: Whats the difference between a Blonde and a Supermarket
Trolley.
A: A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together!
Q: What was the blond psychic's greatest achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!
Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading
her nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a
blonde drives a car?
A: Cause she blows the horn!!!!!
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: 'Cause everybody gets a turn.
Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: 'Cause she's been laid all over the country.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!
Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q: What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
A: Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).
Q: What is the blonde's favorite battery?
A: Ever-ready.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon?
A: A vacant posession.
Q: If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge,
who would die first?
A: The brunette -- because the blonde would have to
stop and ask for directions.
Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...
Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!
Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her
husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll get a life when it is proven Troy C. Belding
and substantiated to be better ST17Y@JETSON.UH.EDU
than what I am currently HSSM@MENUDO.UH.EDU
experiencing.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
english.213snemcev,
-> #211, dejanr>> This is the most complete set of blonde jokes I have seen.
Ej, SysAdm, ovo je već drugi put. Za 1200 bps je malo mnogo 25K teksta u
jednoj poruci, pa još 15K u sledećoj. Jel može to idući put u file?
PS Ovo pišem iako znam da ću dobiti orden, al' onaj kome je upućeno će
ovo svakako videti.
english.214furlani,
1.What did the father ghost say to his son?
Spook only when you're spooken to.
2.Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance?
He had no body to go with.
3.Daddy, daddy, there's a spider in the bath!
Don't worry, you've seen spiders before.
Yes, but this one's four feet wide and it's using all the
hot water!
4.How do fleas start a race?
One, two, flea!
5.Knock, Knock!
who's there?
Irish stew.
Irish stew who?
I arrest you in the name of the law!
english.215dejanr,
From treynold Fri Jul 9 02:05:41 1993
Date: Fri, 9 Jul 93 02:05:40 GMT
From: treynold (Tom Reynolds)
To: treynold
Subject: Lawyer Jokes
Q & A form jokes
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.
Good!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck
defiance.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
----
Longer Jokes:
----
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run
those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed
voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
-----
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of proffesional brain
offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for <other generic proffesion> brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
-----
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father
answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a
thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
-----
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were
thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise,
St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where
the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assis-
tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the
line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't
mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed
your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
----
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub-
scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury
was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice,
"Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20
more of them."
-----
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred
it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
thief go first, and the executioner follow."
-----
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented
money there has been only one answer to that question."
----------
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.
After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective
professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly
station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides
to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome,
Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a
huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete
announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until
the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting
a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight
once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear
more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with
Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the
Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.
The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the
deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I,
spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow,
this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many
times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can
get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because
he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
-----
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long
trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back
to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that
dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you
want to have him arrested for ?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay
his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
-----
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man
of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
-----
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a
jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the
hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a
dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed
the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10
minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury
went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home,
and everyone waited.
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and
sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the
verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they
got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still
doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
------
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?",
someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
----------
A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's
grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the
little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
-----
The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at
least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
----
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to
cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says
"Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon
descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't
tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry
yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And
the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet
up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must
be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says
"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
useless".
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still
worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink,
and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists
Soaked by Lawyer".
----
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed
an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an
exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn,
then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we
sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better
to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
-----
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think
you're going to find a lawyer?"
-----
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the
other three are mythological creatures.
----------
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.
However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
-----
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously,
"can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
-----
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to
another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to
lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more
plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to
them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However,
sometimes it very hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings."
----
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to
which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer
would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to
spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods
section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with
him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.
Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in
the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to
pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry
patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along
came two huge Bears - a male and a female.
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His
friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and
got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed
back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of
lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his
friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun,
took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you
that the Czech was in the Male?"
----------
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green
came over to see him.
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in
court when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer
Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr.
Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it
when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an
Excedrin headache?'
Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making
a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken
sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
"Then get me another doctor."
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that
after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office.
This is the only place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally
appeal your case to a higher court."
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for
a kidney stone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by
looking at him."
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when
you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize
into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher
of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going
to be in a lot of pain.' "
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my
ounce of Demerol?"
"I better check you out first."
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't
do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
"What for?"
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued
and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
"I'm not going to sue you."
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ
after you pass the kidney stone?"
----------
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a
glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world,
nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in
Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."
Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All
the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to
smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas,
nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much
of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack
of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the
Lawyer through it...
--------
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop
and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog
running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to
demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers,
"Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys
don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the
shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].
Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be
unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the
lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
----------
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light
bulb.
A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're
looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall
be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform
previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the
entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area,
demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at
the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by
the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited
to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation
at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of
elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the
party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this
point being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party
of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state,
local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first
part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of
the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a
manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of
this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur
in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the
objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the
fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
--------
WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
**********************************************************************
1300.01 GENERAL
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may
harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The
use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If
accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to
nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free
Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,
ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a
felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident
victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting
attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
7. Cut-throat 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7
--------
Look, I'm tired of typing. Go buy the book: Larry Wilde, _The Ultimate
Lawyers Joke Book_. Bantam books. $2.95 (Canada $3.95).
------------------------- cut here and insert in wallet --------------------
Ben Dover
And
C. Howlett Fields
Attorneys At Law
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were
guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things,
but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in
his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once
you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug
look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him
and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
----------------------------------------------------
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule
what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard
to get back on your feet.
----------------------------------------------------
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands
in his own pockets.
----------------------------------------------------
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you
serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
'gator."
----------------------------------------------------
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow.
One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
----------------------------------------------------
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ----
It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
----------
Legal business card:
Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe
Attorneys at Law
----------
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
...Benjamin Franklin.
----------
english.217todorp,
From: rnd@inel.gov (Randy Bewley)
What does Kodak and a condom have in common?
You use both to catch those special moments!!!
english.218todorp,
From: sjreeves@eng.auburn.edu (Stan Reeves)
Seen on a South Carolina road sign:
-------------------------
|<-- Clinton 6 |
| Prosperity 22 --> |
-------------------------
| |
| |
| |
english.219viktor,
A Contribution to the Mathematical Theory of Big Game Hunting
H. Petard, Princeton, N. J.,
in American Mathematical Monthly, August, 1938
(translated from a German version)
Problem: To Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert.
1. Mathematical Methods
1.1 The Hilbert (axiomatic) method
We place a locked cage onto a given point in the desert. After
that we introduce the following logical system:
Axiom 1: The set of lions in the Sahara is not empty.
Axiom 2: If there exists a lion in the Sahara,
then there exists a lion in the cage.
Procedure: If P is a theorem, and if the following is holds:
"P implies Q", then Q is a theorem.
Theorem 1: There exists a lion in the cage.
1.2 The geometrical inversion method
We place a spherical cage in the desert, enter it and lock it from
inside. We then perform an inversion with respect to the cage.
Then the lion is inside the cage, and we are outside.
1.3 The projective geometry method
Without loss of generality we can view the desert as a plane surface.
We project the surface onto a line and afterwards the line onto an
interiour point of the cage. Thereby the lion is mapped onto that same
point.
1.4 The Bolzano-Weierstrass method
Divide the desert by a line running from north to south. The lion is
then either in the eastern or in the western part. Lets assume it is in
the eastern part. Divide this part by a line running from east to west.
The lion is either in the northern or in the southern part. Let's
assume it is in the northern part. We can continue this process
arbitrarily and thereby constructing with each step an increasingly
narrow fence around the selected area. The diameter of the chosen
partitions converges to zero so that the lion is caged into a fence of
arbitrarily small diameter.
1.5 The set theoretical method
We observe that the desert is a separable space. It therefore contains
an enumerable dense set of points which constitutes a sequence with the
lion as its limit. We silently approach the lion in this sequence,
carrying the proper equipment with us.
1.6 The Peano method
In the usual way construct a curve containing every point in the
desert. It has been proven Š1Ć that such a curve can be traversed in
arbitrarily short time. Now we traverse the curve, carrying a spear,
in a time less than what it takes the lion to move a distance equal to
its own length.
1.7 A topological method
We observe that the lion possesses the topological gender of a torus.
We embed the desert in a four dimensional space. Then it is possible to
apply a deformation Š2Ć of such a kind that the lion when returning to
the three dimensional space is all tied up in itself. It is then
completely helpless.
1.8 The Cauchy method
We examine a lion-valued function f(z). Let Đzeta be the cage. Consider
the integral
1 Š f(z)
------- I --------- dz
2 Đpi i Ć z - Đzeta
C
where C represents the boundary of the desert. Its value is f(zeta),
i.e. there is a lion in the cage Š3Ć.
1.9 The Wiener-Tauber method
We obtain a tame lion, L_0, from the class L(-Đinfinity,Đinfinity),
whose fourier transform vanishes nowhere. We put this lion somewhere in
the desert. L_0 then converges toward our cage. According to the
general Wiener-Tauner theorem Š4Ć every other lion L will converge
toward the same cage. (Alternatively we can approximate L arbitrarily
close by translating L_0 through the desert Š5Ć.)
2 Theoretical Physics Methods
2.1 The Dirac method
We assert that wild lions can ipso facto not be observed in the Sahara
desert. Therefore, if there are any lions at all in the desert, they
are tame. We leave catching a tame lion as an execise to the reader.
2.2 The Schroedinger method
At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the lion being in
the cage. Sit and wait.
2.3 The nuclear physics method
Insert a tame lion into the cage and apply a Majorana exchange operator
Š6Ć on it and a wild lion.
As a variant let us assume that we would like to catch (for argument's
sake) a male lion. We insert a tame female lion into the cage and apply
the Heisenberg exchange operator Š7Ć, exchanging spins.
2.4 A relativistic method
All over the desert we distribute lion bait containing large amounts of
the companion star of Sirius. After enough of the bait has been eaten
we send a beam of light through the desert. This will curl around the
lion so it gets all confused and can be approached without danger.
3 Experimental Physics Methods
3.1 The thermodynamics method
We construct a semi-permeable membrane which lets everything but lions
pass through. This we drag across the desert.
3.2 The atomic fission method
We irradiate the desert with slow neutrons. The lion becomes
radioactive and starts to disintegrate. Once the disintegration process
is progressed far enough the lion will be unable to resist.
3.3 The magneto-optical method
We plant a large, lense shaped field with cat mint (nepeta cataria)
such that its axis is parallel to the direction of the horizontal
component of the earth's magnetic field. We put the cage in one of the
field's foci. Throughout the desert we distribute large amounts of
magnetized spinach (spinacia oleracea) which has, as everybody knows, a
high iron content. The spinach is eaten by vegetarian desert
inhabitants which in turn are eaten by the lions. Afterwards the lions
are oriented parallel to the earth's magnetic field and the resulting
lion beam is focussed on the cage by the cat mint lense.
References
Š1Ć After Hilbert, cf. E. W. Hobson, "The Theory of Functions of a Real
Variable and the Theory of Fourier's Series" (1927), vol. 1, pp
456-457
Š2Ć H. Seifert and W. Threlfall, "Lehrbuch der Topologie" (1934), pp 2-3
Š3Ć According to the Picard theorem (W. F. Osgood, Lehrbuch der
Funktionentheorie, vol 1 (1928), p 178) it is possible to catch
every lion except for at most one.
Š4Ć N. Wiener, "The Fourier Integral and Certain of itsl Applications"
(1933), pp 73-74
Š5Ć N. Wiener, ibid, p 89
Š6Ć cf e.g. H. A. Bethe and R. F. Bacher, "Reviews of Modern Physics", 8
(1936), pp 82-229, esp. pp 106-107
Š7Ć ibid "
--
/* tdk -- SCARS/DSOB -- STScI */
/* "...archiving is one-way interchange with the future..." */
english.220viktor,
-----------------------------------------------------
Math Joke #8
A Physicist, a chemist and a mathematician were
stranded on three different tropical islands and each
had a canister of food, but no opener. The physicist
laid his canister on a large rock and then threw smaller
rocks at the lid until it was knocked open. The chemist
searched the island for certain plants from which he
fabricated an acid that eventually dissolved part of the
lid. The mathematician wrote the following in the sand:
Theorem: There exists a means of opening the canister.
Proof: Assume the opposite . . .
Weeks later his skeleton was found in the sand.
ŠThis joke was sent to me in July, 1993 by Robert George
of the Ohio State University Statistics Department.Ć
---
english.221viktor,
---------------------------------------------------------------------
>Q: What's yellow and depends on the axiom of choice?
>
>A: Zorn's Lemmon.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's yellow and expressible in a power series?
A: A bananalytic function.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What does a mathematician do before he drinks tea?
A. He drinks t - 1.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
A: Nothing. The mountain climber is a scalar.
interesantno
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A mathematician and a physicist were put into separate rooms, each containing
a sink, a stove, and a kettle; each was told to boil some water.
The mathematician took the kettle to the sink, filled it, put it on the
stove and boiled the water.
The physicist took the kettle to the sink, filled it, put it on the stove,
and boiled the water.
The next day both were brought back to their rooms and told to boil the
water again; but the kettles still had water in them from the previous day.
The physicist turned on the stove and boiled the water.
The mathematician took the kettle to the sink and emptied it, stating,
"We have now reduced the problem to a previous case!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The physicist says: "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is prime... 9... well,
experimental error. 11 is prime... ..."
The mathematician says: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime... therefore,
by induction on 2n-1, all odd numbers are prime."
The engineer says: "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is prime... 9 is prime...
11 is prime... ..."
The chemist says: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime; well, I guess that's
enough data!"
The Biologist says: "What's a prime?"
The programmer says: "Wait a minute, I think I have an algorithm from Knuth
on finding prime numbers... just a little bit longer, I've found the
last bug... no, that's not it... ya know, I think there may be a
compiler bug here - oh, did you want IEEE-998.0334 rounding or not?
- was that in the spec? - hold on, I've almost got it - I was up all
night working on this program, ya know... now if management would
just get me that new workstation tha just came out, I'd be done by
now... etc., etc. ..."
The computer scientist says: "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is prime...
7 is prime... 7 is prime... 7 is prime... ..."
The psychologist says: "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is prime... 9 is
latently prime but repressing it... 11 is prime... ..."
The social scientist says: "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is prime...
we'll pretend 9 is prime... 11 is prime... ..."
The statistician says : "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is prime... from
samples surveyed, all odd numbers are prime..."
----------------------------------------------------------------
TOP SUGGESTIONS ON TEACHING VECTOR CALCULUS
1. "Vector? I don't even know her..."
3. Mumble something on the first day of classes about always being
turned on when you hear the word "matrix".
4. Never make eye contact.
5. When your students complain about having to invert a four by four
matrix, yell: "Yeah? Well, when I was back in 'Nam, I had to
invert ten by ten matrices with nothing but tree bark and my own
blood for ink!" Then look dazed and clutch the nearest notebook
firmly to your chest.
8. If your class starts at 6:15 a.m., then the only way your students
are going to make it to class on time is if you give them daily
wake up calls. Come to think of it, this isn't a bad idea, even if
it starts at at 6:15 pm. If it starts at 6:15 p.m., you can create
a nurturing learning enviornment by having the students rotate
bringing deserts to class. Be sure to use one of the students as
your taster.
9. When saying the phrase "least squares fit", make a little Elvis-esque
pelvic thrust on the word "fit".
10. Have Jeff Goldblum make a special guest appearance. Tell him there
are some cute looking babes in the class.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why mathematics and public policy should never mix.
New York Times Headline Tuesday, June 29, 1993, one day after Andrew
Wiles announced he had proved Fermat's Last Theorem
U.S. SAID IT WAITED
FOR CERTAIN PROOF
BEFORE IRAQ RAID
------------------------------------------------------------------
A man comes to a psychiatrist and claims to be dead.
No matter what arguments the psychiatrist uses, the
patient refuses to believe he is alive. Finally the
psychiatrist decides to try an indirect proof.
"Do dead men bleed?" asked the psychiatrist.
"No, of course not. Everybody knows that dead men
don't bleed" replied the patient.
"Well then, If I prick your finger with a pin and
we squeeze out a drop of blood won't that mean that
you're not dead?"
"Yes," said the patient.
The psychiatrist found a needle and pricked the
patient's finger and squeezed out a drop of blood.
"Okay, I was wrong" said the patient. "Dead men
do bleed."
ŠThis is a nice joke to tell just before or after
doing an indirect proof with a class.Ć
----------------------------------------------------------------
english.222viktor,
------------------------------------------------------
Math Joke #9
Four academics were traveling on a train to a
convention in Scotland: a parapsychologist, a logician,
a mathematician and a physicist. Through the window
they all saw a lonely black sheep on a hill.
"Look!" said the parapsychologist, "All sheep in
Scotland are black."
"You can't draw such a conclusion" replied the
physicist. "The best we can say is that some sheep in
Scotland are black."
"Too vague," said the mathematician. "You're
needlessly melding the vacuous case with the existential
case. What one should say is that at least one sheep in
Scotland is black."
"You're all wrong." countered the logician. "All we
can say is that at least one sheep in Scotland is black
on at least one side at least some of the time."
ŠThis joke is my version of one I read in Martin
Gardner, Scientific American (December, 1974), page
136.Ć
------------------------------------------------------
english.223viktor,
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramanujan and Hardy were in a cab, when Hardy noticed that the
number of their cab was 1729. He commented on this, saying that
1729 was a boring number.
Ramanujan told Hardy, "No, on the
contrary, 1729 is a very interesting number. It's the sum of cubes in two
ways."
Hardy responded, "I was just kidding, I know that. It's also the difference
of the squares of two triangular numbers."
Ramanujan responded, (COUGH, COUGH) "Well, it's also the year Britain got
Gibraltar back!"
Hardy retorted, "Well, it's ALSO the product of two numbers which together
form a palindromic number representing the year in which a couple books WILL
BE PUBLISHED about this encounter!!"
Ramanujan retorted, "Well, it's also the number of times I SLEPT WITH YOUR
MOTHER!!"
Hardy screamed back, "Well, it's also the number of NUDE PICTURES I HAVE OF
YOUR RELATIVES!"
At that, the conversation degenerated into a free-for-all...
----------------------------------------------------------------
english.224dejanr,
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: What an Ass!
Keywords: smirk, sexual
Message-ID: <S5ab.5237@clarinet.com>
Date: 6 Aug 93 23:30:02 GMT
Lines: 66
Approved: funny@clarinet.com
The following was told to me recently by a Swiss friend - this is my
translation.
----------------
One day, an old French sausage maker whose sausages were renowned worldwide
decided the time had come for him to retire, but as the business had been
in his family for generations and wanted to keep it so, he was keen his not
too bright only son and heir take over the running.
When his son came home, he announced to him, "Son, the time has come for
you to take over the running my business, the business that has been in
this family for generations. Come, I have some things to show you," and
with that led his son across the courtyard to the place where he undertook
his work. The son looked around the room and found a number of strange
machines, ranging from the very old to the very modern.
His father led him to the oldest machine and started to explain:
"Son, this machine was invented by your Great-Grandfather, MY Grandfather.
With this machine, he would put an ass in this end, and two hundred
sausages would come out the other end. These sausages were renowned
throughout the whole of Paris!"
and with that he led his son on to the second more modern machine and continued
with his explanation:
"This machine here was invented by your Grandfather, MY father himself. With
this machine he would put an ass in this end, and two thousand sausages
would come out the other end. These sausages were renowned throughout the
whole of Provence!"
He next led his son to the third most modern machine:
"This machine was invented by your own father, yes, me myself. With this
machine I can put a ass after ass in this end and the sausages keep
coming out the other end in their millions. These suasages are renowned
worldwide."
He then turned to his son, "So, you see, as well as taking over the running
of the business, you must make your mark of generation by inventing your
own machine."
The son then took stock of the task and proceeded to think long and hard about
what machine he could come up with to make his mark on the family business.
Finally, after quite some time the son piped up, "Papa, I have an idea. How
about if I make a machine where you put a sausage in one end, and an ass comes
out the other."
His father in disgust of the idea slapped his son saying, "You stupid boy, such
a machine already exists - it's your mother!"
_______________________________________________
Mark A Eve | Phone +44 272 228767
Hewlett Packard Labs | +44 272 799910
Filton Road | Fax +44 272 228924
Stoke Gifford | +44 272 228920
Bristol BS12 6QZ | mae@hplb.hpl.hp.com
England | mae@hplgva.unige.ch
_______________________________________________
english.225niklaus,
I often keep asking myself:
"Why do say TV SET when you get just ONE piece?"
(:niklaus:)
english.226dejanr,
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi are fishing in a rowboat. The priest and
pastor are arguing about when life begins. The priest insists that life
begins at the moment of conception -- the pastor believes it is at the
moment of birth. After they go around a bit and can't agree -- they
turn to rabbi and ask him to solve their dilemma. He simply states that
life begins when your kids leave home and your dog dies.
english.227dejanr,
The Devil comes to a lawyer, promissing him big money, power and glory.
Lawyer: "What is it going to cost me?"
Devil: "I want souls of your wife and children."
Lawyer (pausing for a minute): "Well, so, where is the catch?"
english.228akragl,
****************************************************
* A bus station is where buses stop. *
* A train station is where trains stop. *
* On my desk, there is a work station. *
* --Anonymous *
****************************************************
english.229zcvele,
Za ekipu koja u`iva u vicevima o plavu{ama.
Pozdrav Cvele
This is the most complete set of blonde jokes I have seen.
This is the updated version, with (I think) all duplications removed.
If you have a question, request for the jokes, duplication to point
out, or one you think should be included, mail st17y@jetson.uh.edu.
My thanks to Steve Dobbs for his large contribution to the list.
There are 489 jokes in this list. 436 Q & A jokes, and 53 story and
one liner jokes. (this does not include multiple answers to the same
question. Including those it is about 480 jokes) There is also a
blonde dictionary at the end.
PLEASE, IF YOU COPY THIS OFF OF THE NET, PLEASE LEAVE MY NAME ON THE BOTTOM
SO THAT I KNOW HOW MANY ARE FLOATING AROUND, AND THAT I GET CREDIT FOR THE
TIME I SPENT ON IT.
THANK YOU.
Disclaimer: These are not my jokes, I only compiled them, any complaints
should be posted on rec.humor, or directed towards your local congressman.
Troy C. Belding
9/10/93
The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes
-----------------------------------
plavuse.zipenglish.230bojans,
Evo poslastice za ljubitelje Monty Pythona. Nekoliko odabranih
skečeva iz epizoda 'Monty Python Flying Circus' sa originalnim
tekstom. Ako ste zainteresovani, ima još.
(Preuzeto sa 'Blue Lightning' BBS-a)
python.arjenglish.231nbatocanin,
P R I M E
physicist:
"3 is prime ... 5 is prime ... 7 is prime ... 9 ... well,
experimental error ... 11 is prime ..."
mathematician:
"3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime ... therefore,
by induction on 2n-1, all odd numbers are prime."
engineer:
"3 is prime ... 5 is prime ... 7 is prime ... 9 is prime ...
... 11 is prime ..."
chemist:
"3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime; well, I guess
that's enough data!"
biologist:
"What's a prime?"
computer scientist:
"3 is prime ... 5 is prime ... 7 is prime ... 7 is prime ...
... 7 is prime ... 7 is prime ... "
psyhologist:
"3 is prime ... 5 is prime ... 7 is prime ... 9 is
latently prime but repressing it ... 11 is prime ..."
social scientist:
"3 is prime ... 5 is prime ... 7 is prime ...
we'll pretend 9 is prime ... 11 is prime ..."
statistician:
"3 is prime ... 5 is prime ... 7 is prime ... from
samples surveyed, all odd numbers are prime ..."
politician:
"Some numbers are prime ... but the goal is to create a kinder,
gentler country where all numbers are prime ..."
economist:
"Let's assume all odd numbers are prime."
programmer:
"Wait a minute, I think I have an algorithm from Knuth on
finding prime numbers ... just a little bit longer, I've
found the last bug ... no, that's not it ... ya know,
I think there may be a compiler bug here - oh, did you
want IEEE-998.0334 rounding or not? - was that in the spec?
- hold on, I've almost got it - I was up all night working
on this program, ya know ... now if management would just
get me that new workstation tha just come out, I'd be done
by now ... etc ... etc ..."
english.232niklaus,
(nije baš za kidanje od smeha, ali zvuči lepo)
I scream!
You scream!
We all scream for ice-cream.
(:niklaus:)
PS Potiče iz jedne stare, američke reklame za sladoled.
english.233vlad,
-> #232, niklaus> PS Potiče iz jedne stare, američke reklame za sladoled.
Ja sam to prvi put video u filmu "Down by law" koji mi se i inace veoma
dopao. Potpuno je otkacen.
- Buzz off!!!
- Bazz offa? Tenk you! Bazz offa to you too!!
english.234ndragan,
-> #232, niklaus/ PS Potiče iz jedne stare, američke reklame za sladoled.
Jednom davno, na radio Luksemburgu:
"Good old <name>, he's getting old, really. When he was young, the
Dead Sea wast just slightly sick"
english.235niklaus,
-> #233, vlad(:> - Buzz off!!!
(:> - Bazz offa? Tenk you! Bazz offa to you too!!
P1: Hau mač voč? (za ne-engleze: kol'ko je sati?)
P2: Ten voč!
P1: Tenk ju veri mač!
(:niklaus:)
english.237dr.grba,
-> #235, niklaus>> P2: Ten voč!
>> P1: Tenk ju veri mač!
- O, it iz sač mač voč.
- indid it iz.
english.238peca.st,
-> #235, niklaus!-> P1: Tenk ju veri mač!
(umesto ovoga ide ovo:)
P1: O, sač mač voč?
Peđa.